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The Casanova Complex and the Women Who Love Them Peter Trachtenburg Book summarized by Lynne Namka

Writer Peter Trachtenburg surveyed many men who admitted to having affairs and came up with patterns of emptiness in men who could not be faithful. The Casanova Complex of having affairs is more than a way of acting sexually--it is sexual addiction where a major portion of time the man's time is spent thinking about and pursuing sexual activities. Trachtenburg, who says he has this disorder says, "Any behavior that is used to anesthized pain is likely to become addictive." The need to womanize is a disorder of the feelings characterized by a man's compulsive and addictive--pursuit and abandonment of women or by symbolic flight through infidelity and multiple relationships." The man who has sexual addiction cannot allow feeling the deep pain within and his primary drug of choice becomes women. In this sexual addiction, the man sees women as good and bad--Madonna's and whores. In the chase of the new partner, he longs for the good mother. As the relationship cools, she becomes the castrating mother. After the chase and catch, he must discard her when the threat to himself becomes too great as he cannot deal with intimacy. Ongoing affairs are a pattern of conquering and manipulating women. According to Trachtenburg, there is an underlying personality disorder of narcissism in these men. In the early years there may have been a devouring, nonnuturing, rejecting mother and an ineffectual, emotionally distant father. The child's ego splits into two parts: (1) A false self which meets the parent's approval because the child is complaint and becomes a little adult meeting the demands of the dysfunctional system. (2) The true self of the child gives up and is withdrawn inward. As the boy grows up he seeks girls and women with haste and an intense courtship. Men with sexual addictions can be very charming, highly romantic and are masters of instant intimacy. This instant intimacy makes the woman feel special, singled out and valued giving them a rush... The hurry gives the man a relationship rush. The man needs to cement the liaison quickly as he knows that the "bloom" will fade soon. There is emotional fusion due to sharing the erotic excitement and the pseudo-opening of the self. The man sets up a dependence on the woman for nurturance, acceptance and excitement. His relationship with the primary woman (usually his wife) in his life becomes symbiotic. He fears fusion or being sucked

into the woman. Affairs are seen as the means of escaping commitment and the sense of being smothered and consumed by the wife. There may be fear of his becoming femininized so he must act out sexually to prove his masculinity. The man flees intimacy and he is frightened of vulnerability. He is afraid of being truly himself with another human being. He is incapable of being himself and has a damaged capacity for connecting on a deep level in a long term relationship. Intimacy feels like being devoured by the woman. He feels invaded, possessed. Normal requests by the woman are seen as demands. The man must withdraw quickly to protect his fragile ego so that he does not get burned, leaving behind a string of broken hearts. Mutual Complicity in the Marriage --Let's Agree This Isn't Happening When the affairs start in a marriage, the man will often deny any wrong doing. The system is a closed one of complicity. After the wife initially confronts the man, she turns to not seeing the continual infidelity as a way of coping with the truth. She compromises herself and increases the rift of communication between them. Silence and feelings of deep shame build and both agree to keep the family secrets of dysfunction. Both man and wife avoid conflict around the issue and the husband is protected by nondisclosure. There is mutual complicity--both agree not to talk about it or turn it over for problem solving. There may be a policing stage on the wife's part where she tries to monitor and check up. There may be anger at the other woman instead of looking at the relationship realistically and see the irresponsibility of the man. The wife may try to appease and win back the man's flagging interest in her, but no matter what she does, she cannot change his sexual addiction. She may revert back to childhood roles of helplessness and powerlessness to leave the relationship. She needs to be needed. She denies the pain of her own childhood. She confuses her own desire for dependence and the need to be needed. Her rescuing behaviors are merely attempts to control the situation. Some of the children in the family pick up this pattern and then act them out in their adult lives. Others marry partners with the sexual acting out pattern. Sexual addiction is thus passed as a pattern to the younger generations. Trachtenburg spends the rest of the book describing how a man can get out of sexual addiction through admitting his problem and making the decision to address it by attending a 12 step program and confronting the addiction.

<:::>><<:::>><<:::>><<:::>><<:::>><<:::>><<:: Dr. Patrick Carnes' Resources for Sex Addiction & Recovery... Patrick Carnes is an international authority of sexual addiction at The Meadows, a recovery treatment center here in Arizona. The following are a series of statements which describe traumatic bonding in which a person bonds with an unfaithful or abusive partner on the basis of betrayal. This unhealthy pattern is what Patrick Carnes calls a "Betrayal Bond". The "Betrayal Bond" Index (Here are the first 15 of the 30 Question Quiz) Yes No Do you obsess about people who have hurt you even through they are long gone? Yes No Do you continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain? Yes No Do you go "overboard" to help people who have been destructive to you? Yes No Do you continue to be a "team" member when obviously things are becoming destructive? Yes No Do you continue attempts to get people to like you who are clearly using you? Yes No Do you trust people again and again who are proven to be unreliable? Yes No Are you unable to retreat from unhealthy relationships? Yes No Do you try to be understood by those who clearly do not care? Yes No Do you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away? Yes No Do you persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen? Yes No Are you loyal to people who have betrayed you? Yes No Do you attract untrustworthy people? Yes No Have you kept damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse? Yes No Do you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility? Yes No Do you find yourself covering up, defending, or explaining a relationship? Go the SexHelp.com to take this complete quiz on line and access Patrick Carnes' books on The Betrayal Bond, Don't Call It Love, Out of the Shadows--on Internet Sexual Addiction and other informative books

on sexual addiction.

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