Queer eye for the ollivander

– By Conor
School Gym – Morning
An emergency meeting has been called – The whole school has
been piled into the Gym. There is much buzzing as everyone
discusses what could possibly be responsible for this weird
turn of events.
Shady Robbie: “Oh God, they know I’ve been dealing!”
Fran: “But...the stuff you sell isn’t illegal!”
The look on his face suggests that maybe that isn’t the whole
truth. Before anyone can press the matter further, however,
the lights dim, and everyone’s attention is drawn to the
stage. Cormack comes dancing out from behind the curtain, and
launches into an elaborate and obviously well rehearsed
interpretative dance sequence. After about 20 minutes, he
finally finishes, and bows, sweating profusely. Without so
much as a word of introduction he approaches the mic.
Cormack: “I’d like to thank you all for being here on such
short notice. As some of you may be aware, the culmination of
all the hard work of the Garron Tower Fabulous Orginisation,
or the GTFO, is close at hand. That’s right... The
photographer is going to be here! Next Tuesday! I recommend
the self-fabulising begins asap people...for you all...not for
me...I’m fabulous.”
Olly: “Woooooooo!”
Cormack: “Yes...indeed...But there’s more! Whichever
photograph can best embody the fabulous reputation of the GTFO
will be the cover of the special editon of this year’s
Yearbook!”
Every Girl in the School, and Conor and Mullan: “OMG!”
Cormack: “That’s right, so you don’t need me to tell you that
this is a BIG...DEAL!”
Lance: “This is ridiculous, he actually thinks any of us are
going to take this photo thing seriously?”
Everyone else murmurs their shared disapproval. Except...
Olly: on a mobile phone “...Yeah that’s O-L-L-Y...yeah...yeah.
Great! ... Alright see you then!” He turns to address everyone
else. “I’m gettin’ a makeover like!”
Monday: 24 hours till the Photograph
Everyone meets in the morning after the weekend, with no
visible signs of “fabulising”. They, at least, have stayed
strong.
Shady Robbie: “So you think that idiot is actually getting a
makeover?”
Mullan: “Nah, you know Olly, he probably rang a chippy or
something.”
Everyone has a good chuckle at this, until suddenly everyone
in the vicinity is blinded by a dazzling light. Shielding
their eyes, they see Olly approaching. But it is not the Olly
they know: He has a tan that would make Dr Lynch jealous, his
braces are gone, his teeth have been whitened and he is
sporting a trendy train driver’s hat. In the area, several
girls die on the spot from the pleasure this causes.
Olly: “Soooo, what do you think like?!”
Graham: “You look ridiculous...like if MTV was an actual
person, he’d look like you look right now.”
Olly beams as if this is the greatest compliment in the world.
Graham: “In fact, I’d go so far as to say that you...”
He is cut off in his sentence by a veritable stampede of
screaming girls. Those wildebeest in the Lion King don’t hold
a candle to the avalanche of scantily glad beauties that are
rushing at Olly.
Girl 1: “OMG Look at that hat!”
Girl 2: “And that hair! It’s to die for!”
Mullan wades into the crowd of girls.
Mullan: “Alright, alright, break it up, there’s nothing to see
here...hold the phone...do I smell Pink Lacoste!?!
He joins in the clamouring crowd of girls. Suddenly the air is
filled with the sound of a blaring airhorn, and the crowd
scatters. Graham is revealed as the source of the sound.
Graham: to Mullan “Get out of here” Then to Olly “You really
think a chance to get in Cormack’s yearbook was worth all
this?”
Olly: “It’s funny you should mention teeth Graham, I’ve just
had mine fixed like, see?”
He gets right up in Graham’s face, grinning madly.
Graham: “I...I didn’t...ok forget it...Can’t you see how
stupid you look? ... Fran, tell him!”
Fran: Staring dreamily at Olly “I...what?”
Graham takes this in for a few seconds. Then, a little
lightbulb appears above his head with a “ding!”, and he gets a
crafty look on his face.
Tuesday: The day of the photograph
Everyone is in Form Class, preparing for the imminent arrival
of the photographer. Olly is standing in the corner,
completely alone. The reason for this appears to be quite
obvious – His tan has become a blotchy mess, his teeth have
all yellowed, and his trendy hat has been replaced by a paper
boat hat. Graham is nowhere to be seen.
Conor: “Do you think Graham’s really gonna miss the big
photo?”
Mullan: “Unlikely. If there’s one thing I know about Eamon
Graham, it’s that that dude loves having his photo taken.”
Conor: “That...that couldn’t be less true.”
Before this conversation can continue any further, the class
is disturbed by a loud “NEIGH!” from outside
Projector: projecting onto the board “Was that a smurfing
horse!?”
Completely ignoring Lynch, who is oblivious to the apparent
neighing, the class bail outside. The sound of thundering
hooves fills the air, and suddenly Graham appears on the
horizon, riding a huge steed, and carrying Lance. He has
dressed in the most photogenic outfit imaginable – a finely
cut italian suit, complete with top hat.
He casually dismounts, and lets the crowd ooh and aah (only at
the horse, naturally). He facetiously takes out an old
fashioned time piece and pretends to check the time.
Fran: “Wow, you’re going to look great for the photo.”
Graham: “Oh, the photo, is that today? Why, I completely
forgot about that. Yes, yes I suppose I will look fantastic
for it, thank you.”
Projector, who has somehow made it outside, projects a message
onto the side of the horse.
Projector: “Smurf me, it IS a horse! :O”
Graham: “Oh, this old thing? I won it in a duel... Everyone
goes “ooooh!” “... with Voldemort.” “Everyone goes OOOOOOOH!”
Conor: “That...that couldn’t be less true.”
Mullan looks hard at Conor as he says this, but lets it go.
At this moment, Olly appears outside. Graham laughs long and
hard at his appearance.
Graham: “Hahahaha, my my, how the mighty have fallen. Tell me
Olly, how does it feel to be ugly? As a stunning figure of a
man, I have no idea.”
Olly: “It’s alright, like.”
The horse neighs loudly
Graham: “Be calm, Michaelangelo! Before long you and I shall
be feasting on the banquet of victory!”
Suddenly a flashy Italian sportscar pulls up – it is the
photographer. Everyone races away from Graham to gawp at the
car.
Mullan: quietly, to Graham “Is that Pink Lacoste?”
Graham: “Yeah, what about it?”
The crowd returns, with Mr. Photographer in tow. He is the
classic attractive Mediterranean hunk. All the girls (except
Debbie of course) have become completely enraptured.
Cormack: “Your fabulousness, can I be the first to say what an
HONOUR it is to welcome you here, on behalf of the Garron
Tower fabulous orginisation.”
Photographer: “No no no, the honour, she is-a mine. You should
have told me that all your ladies were, how you say,
bellissimas.”
All the girls in the area practically melt.
Photographer: “We shall go with the Yearbook picture first,
yes? Let me see now...”
He takes a good long look over the crowd assembled in front of
him. Graham stands, puffing his chest out and making himself
as visible as possible, while Olly has become engrossed with
trying to pick something out of his teeth.
Photographer: “Yes, you.” He gestures to Olly.
Graham: “I’m sorry, what? Clearly there’s been some mistake –
I’m over here.”
The photographer continues to beckon Olly, who follows him
happily. As they walk off together, Graham overhears:
Photographer: “I tell you, I’ve-a been in the photograph
business for 20 years – It just-a makes me sick when you see
how hard people try for this!”
Graham rips off his top hat and hurls it to the ground,
stamping on it in his rage. Cut to black.
Mate, what country are you even from like?
Tag: Graham is still standing where we left him. Suddenly,
Voldemort bails out of the hedge beside him, and hammers him
with a spell, knocking him out. He leaps onto the horse and
rides off, cackling maniacally.