Assembly – By Conor

Dr Lynch’s room – Morning

It’s a change of pace in the Olly and Graham world – This
episode opens in the midst of Form Class, in the morning.
There is a happy air over the room, as Dr Lynch is
uncharacteristically late, thus everyone is chatting amongst
themselves.
Mullan: “...and then, I kid you not, she looks right at me and
says: “Come on Chris, take that shirt off and get in the car,
we’re going.”

Graham and Lance: in unison, enrapt: “And then what

happened?!”
Mullan: “Well, what could I say? I tore that bad boy off me
and leapt in!”
There is a roar of approval at this, and much high fiving
amongst the guys. Close up on Mullan’s slightly faltering
grin:

FLASHBACK – Earlier that morning

Mullan: “Oh come on Ma, this is my best Crue shirt! I don’t
care if the school ‘doesn’t approve’, I want to wear it!”
Mullan and his mother are standing outside their front door.
Mullan is wearing his Motley Crue 1987 tour shirt, clearly not
suitable for school wear. What’s more, it’s clearly a matter
of principle, as the black school shoes and trousers he is
wearing with it are just fashion suicide.
Mrs. Mullan: “I don’t care Mullan! Stop messing around. Take
that shirt off and get in!”
With much grumbling (and the hint of some tears?), Mullan
pulls off his shirt to reveal his regular school uniform
underneath, and he clambers into the car.
Back at Form Class
The testosterone fuelled high fiving continues, when suddenly
the door crashes open with a biblical “BOOM!” Dr Lynch comes
bailing through it, and there are LITERALLY baskets flying
everywhere. It is clear that she is in somewhat of a tizzy.
Lynch: “Friends, Romans, Students and Countrymen, lend me your
ears! I come bearing dire tidings of ill portent! It has come
to my attention that it has fallen to us, loyal subjects, to
prepare the weekly presentation of stories and songs to the
populous! BUT LO! The cruel fates have conspired thusly that
we have but 48 hours to commence and finalize our efforts! She
stands with the back of her hand to her forehead, and her
other arm outstretched as if to hold back the imaginary fates
that have tricked her so cruelly. “But have heart little ones!
Did not brave Macduff vanquish the cursèd Macbeth with nought
but the strength in his heart?!
Graham: under his breath “And destiny...”
Lynch: unfazed “...let us band together, and produce the best
damn assembly this establishment has ever seen!”

She stands majestically in the middle of the room, awaiting

the roaring ovation that must surely follow these words. After
it becomes evident that this isn’t going to happen, she
resumes her normal position behind the desk.

Lynch: slightly cowed “Auditions begin tomorrow”

The Next Day
The same scene, but the room has been cleared to allow the
audition process to proceed. There is a buzz as people discuss
their big plans for the assembly.
Lance: “I don’t know about you guys, but I reallllllly hope I
get that Speaker #4 spot!
Shady Robbie: “Keep dreaming reject, that’s my job.”
Olly: “I heard that’s how Brad Pitt got started like!”
Everyone has a good laugh at this.
Olly: quietly “But he told me...”
Graham busts in at this point
Graham: “Don’t you worry about that Olly, if you have any
sense you’ll be aiming for the mystical CD operating job.”
Olly: eyes lighting up “Really?!”
Graham: “Oh yeeeeeah, but you’ll need to be extra careful; I
bet a loooot of people will be trying to stop you getting it.
Olly wanders off to talk to Dr Lynch, a look of wonder still
upon his face. Graham turns to the camera, hunched over and
rubbing his fingertips together. The light fades out until
it’s just a spotlight on him.
Graham: “Hahaha, with all the pieces of the puzzle finally in
place, nothing will stop me capturing the coveted Speaker #4
slot all for myself! AHAHAHAHAHA!”
Light fades back in on Graham standing in the middle of the
circle of desks, cackling maniacally to himself. A ring of
people has formed to watch during this time.
Graham: “Oh don’t pretend like you don’t do it too.”
The Auditions
Projector is up first. He projects a moving bible passage onto
the wall. Utter silence as he scrolls sickeningly slowly down
it, the epitome of boringness. As he finally reaches an end,
there is no movement in the room. Only Lynch, who leaps to her
feet, dabbing a handkerchief to her eyes and applauding
wildly, acknowledges it. Everyone else is either in open
mouthed shock or fast asleep.
Lynch: “Oh, Keats! Wordsworth! Bell! This day you have known
humility, and at the hands of such a simple yet elegant beast!
Young man, I would like very much to take you home with me.
Projector blushes.
Lynch: “Alas, but it is for your peers to decide your fate.
Know that if it were in my hands, you would be on the stage!”
Graham: whispering aside “I thought she called her bed The
Stage...?”
Lynch: “SILENCE IN THE COURT! You, you fabulous young man,
deliver the verdict that everyone knows is but a certainty!
She gestures dramatically at Cormack. All attention turns to
him.
Cormack: “Uhhh, yeah, ummmmm...FABULOUS, by the way...but I’m
afraid you’re just not what we’re looking for at the minute”
Projector is still and silent for a moment, before he begins
to tear up. He rushes out of the room. Cormack leaps to his
feet, upset.
Cormack: “But we’re still cool for later, right!?”

CUT TO:

The same scene, minutes later. Everything is as tense as it

could possibly be. Olly stands at the front, while the half
circle of students stands around him, all holding their breath
as one. The camera cuts to individual faces looking nervous
and tense with the traditional “Doom doom...doom doom”
heartbeat sounds. Finally it rests on Lynch.
Lynch: “Do it!”
Sweating from the pressure, Olly turns to the CD player
sitting on the desk next to him. Slowly he extends his finger
towards the play button. Extreme close up on his finger as it
makes contact. He pushes it down. The soothing sound of hymn
music fills the room, and the scene bursts into slo-mo as the
students roar their applause and leap to their feet. The music
from Chariots of Fire starts up (do do do do doooooooooo
do...) Olly joins in, rushing towards the camera and leaping
into the air and pumping his fist. Freeze frame as he hangs in
the air, the very picture of victory.

CUT TO:

The mac, where crudely drawn stripes separate the ground into
lanes. In the distance, a dust cloud slowly turns into
individual shapes of running people. It is Graham, Lance,
Mullan etc. Inexplicably, Lynch and Bell are running in the
race. There is all the typical rough and tumble as students
hustle each other in an effort to be first over the line.
Lance has attached spikes to his running shoes (like the
baddie chariots always do) and quickly dispatches of the
opposition. Fireworks burst into scene as he passes the finish
line". Fran picks up a megaphone.
Fran: “Congratulations Lance, You have won the right to be
Speaker #4!
Everyone else: “Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!”
Exhausted and panting, Graham and Conor join Mullan on the
sidelines.
Conor: “That was the last audition! We’re screwed!”
Graham: “That damn cheater doesn’t deserve the honour!”
Mullan: “Don’t worry dudes, I’ve got a plan. A
very...very...devilish...devil of a plan. Here’s what we’ll
do...”
As he whispers the rest of the plan, Graham and Conor’s eyes
light up and they begin to grin evilly along with Mullan.
The Next Morning – Assembly in the Chapel
The bland music underlies the boring speeches being read out
by various students. Graham, Conor and Mullan sit roleless in
the audience, but they are looking very pleased with
themselves. They are almost giddy with glee when it comes time
for Olly to perform his duty as operator of the CD player. He
strides across the altar with a confidence unparalleled in
Olly and Graham history, and as he presses the button to
create the soothing gospel hymns, he turns to face the
congregation, arms outstretched royally. For a moment he
stands there, lost in the moment, until the lack of music
begins to confuse him. Just before he physically turns to see
what has happened, we hear...

DO DO, DO DO DO, DO DO DO DO
DO DO DO DO DO!
That’s right folks, none other than Richard Astley’s seminal
80’s classic “Never Gonna Give You Up” blares into the
unsuspecting Chapel. Everyone stares at Olly in unadulterated
shock as the musical masterpiece fills the room. Graham and co
are just about fit to burst with joy. Olly, visibly trembling,
can think of nothing to do but to start ferociously
bellydancing right there on the altar. Like Vera of the Seven
Veils, Olly cuts out a thundering rhythm on that altar to put
any bollywooder to shame. In the audience, Mullan actually
explodes from the hilarity this causes. As the song grinds to
a close, a sweating (and now shirtless) Olly stands
exhaustedly on the altar, awaiting whatever reaction could
possibly follow such an outburst.
Amazingly, Bell, at the front, stands up and slowly begins to
clap. He is soon joined by more and more people, until a
rousing ovation fills the room. People begin going batshit
crazy for Olly. From out of nowhere, Graham Norton arrives,
surrounded by hot, bikini clad models. Graham, Conor and
Mullan can only watch on in open-mouthed shock as Graham
presents Olly with his “Best Assembly of All Time: Even Better
Than Jesus’” Trophy. Cut to black.
“Don’t you have better stuff to do than this like?”
TAG: Graham, Conor and Mullan, still sitting in shock in their
seats.
Graham: “I don’t believe it, I really thought the Rick Astley
thing was gonna work this time!”
Mullan: “But the Rick Astley thing wasn’t my plan! I was just
gonna kick his ass later!”
As this information sinks in, all three slowly turn to stare
at Olly.