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MODERN FAMILY

What Would Brian Boitano Do?


By Ville Huoponen

Contact: ville.huoponen(at)gmail.com
iwishicouldlikethat.blogspot.com/

2.

ACT ONE
INT. THE DUNPHY HOUSE - DAY
PHIL on the phone.
PHIL
Okay, Jay, Ill be there in
fifteen.
Phil hangs up and gets back to reading a newspaper. Then
HALEY shows up.
HALEY
Reading something important?
PHIL
Mostly girl stuff.
HALEY
Like what?
PHIL
Your mom has been talking about
remodeling the house for some time.
HALEY
Cool.
PHIL
Not cool. She wants to get the
bathroom done first.
HALEY
And?
PHIL
If its not broken, dont fix it.
Thats my motto.
HALEY
Unless its a new tv.
PHIL
Thats a different thing. Its
about the relief that it provides
you. (THEN) Im talking about the
tv of course.
HALEY
Yeah, I get it.

3.

Doorbell rings. (THEN) LUKE goes to open it. Its MITCHELL


with LILY.
LUKE
Morning, Mitchell.
MITCHELL
Good morning to you too Luke.
LUKE
Havent seen you in some time.
MITCHELL
Well, its a special day today.
LUKE
For you too?
MITCHELL
Yes. Im supposed to spend some
quality time with your mom.
LUKE
Say no more.
MITCHELL
Were going to do something that we
havent done in lets see..
CLAIRE shows up.
CLAIRE
In too many years.
MITCHELL
Make that twenty-five years to be
precise.
Luke going up the stairs. (THEN)
LUKE
Youre getting old.
Mitchell touching his belly. Claire touching her jeans.
INTERVIEW - MITCHELL AND CLAIRE - DAY
MITCHELL
Yeah. Well we got the idea that
since we hadnt been..
CLAIRE
Skating.

4.

MITCHELL
In a long time.. and since Sun
Valley is not that far away from
here, we decided to go there today.
CLAIRE
To have a great time.
Then LILY shows up.
LILY
I dont want to go. (THEN)
MITCHELL
Its going to be fun.
Mitchell smiles.
INT. LUKES BEDROOM - DAY
Luke doing something with his laptop on the bed. Then Alex
knocks on the open door.
LUKE
Yeah what is it?
ALEX
Uncle Mitchell told me you have a
special day.
LUKE
Did he?
ALEX
Yes but he didnt tell me what it
was.
LUKE
I wouldnt say its a special day.
ALEX
But you told him that.
LUKE
I didnt tell.. or - I told him
but..
ALEX
Would you like to tell me?
LUKE
What makes you think Id like to
tell you?
ALEX
I dont know. Because Im your
sister?

5.

LUKE
Thats a good reason not to tell
you.
ALEX
Ah.
INT. CAMERON & MITCHELLS BEDROOM - DAY
Cameron talking on the phone.
CAMERON
Yes, mrs. Chong. With right
guidance she could get so much
better.. Its your call of course..
thank you for being so
understanding. .okay..you too, bye
bye.
Cameron hangs up the phone.
CAMERON (CONTD)
(talking to himself) She can thank
me if she becomes the next Yo Yo
Ma.
Cameron goes to the bathroom to read a magazine. He sits on
the toilet seat.
Then he hears a certain sound of something cracking.
CAMERON (CONTD)
What was that?
He stands up and sees how the toilet bowl has cracked and how
a chunk falls off it. Cameron cant believe what hes seeing.
Water starts pouring.
CAMERON (CONTD)
(something with a high pitch
repeated)
MAIN TITLES
INT. JAYS PLACE - DAY
JAY, GLORIA and MANNY having a breakfast. THEN Jays Cell
phone rings.
JAY
Yello. Oh hi Cam. (THEN) Okay. You
did what?

6.

INT. CAMERON & MITCHELLS BATHROOM - DAY


CAMERON
The toilet cracked. You heard it
right. I dont know if there was a
minor earthquake here or whether
the opera singer down the street
opened his voice with too much
panache or something.
JAY
Are you sure you didnt kick it
accidentally? You were quite the
kicker back in the day.
CAMERON
(heard from phone) Theres water
all over the place. What am Im
going to do?
JAY
Call Joe the Plumber.
CAMERON
Thats not funny. What Im saying
is that theres an emergency here
and I need someone to help.
JAY
Yeah.. but..
CAMERON
This is a family emergency.
A long pause.
JAY
Okay, right. Family emergency
(THEN) Well okay then. I guess Ill
call Phil and well come.
Ends the phone call.
JAY (CONTD)
Its the simplest thing and he
cant do it. Cant fix the toilet.
MANNY
Well, youre closest to being the
construction guy Jay.
JAY
But still, its the easiest thing.
MANNY
Maybe its easy for you.

7.

Then Jay grabs something to eat. He drinks from a cup but


splashes on his shirt.
JAY
Oh crap. Gloria, can you wash this
shirt?
GLORIA
You can wash it yourself. (THEN)
JAY
You know I dont know how to use
that damn machine.
Manny reacts.
JAY (CONTD)
What?
EXT. NEAR SUN VALLEY SKATING RINK - DAY
Mitchell & Claire and Lily somewhere outside the rink.
MITCHELL
Such a great day for skating.
CLAIRE
What do you think Lily? Excited to
skate too?
Lily doesnt say anything.
MITCHELL
Im sure shes going to like it.
Although she was supposed to play
with Connor.
CLAIRE
Im sure shell love it.
MITCHELL
Lily, skating is a really wonderful
sport.
CLAIRE
Lets not forget that as a skater
you get to dress as a princess.
LILY
I dont care.
MITCHELL
You get to dance to music. You get
to do jumps and other moves.

8.

CLAIRE
(almost silently to Mitchell) It
lets you keep off weight like no
other thing.
MITCHELL
I hear you there.
LILY
If its so much fun, why did you
quit skating?
MITCHELL
Well technically we never did quit.
We were just on a break. On a long
break.
CLAIRE
Once you learn it, youll never
forget it.
MITCHELL
Well see about that..
CLAIRE
And Lily, its a really good way to
impress the guys.
LILY
You know what I want to be? I want
to be an ice-hockey player.
CLAIRE
Yeah..
MITCHELL
Thatll sure impress the guys.
(THEN)
CLAIRE
Lets go Lily.
LILY
I want to become an ice-hockey
player.
MITCHELL
Well talk about that later.
END OF ACT ONE

9.

ACT TWO
INT. DUNPHY HOUSE HALEYS ROOM - DAY
Alex goes to Haleys room. Shes doing something..
ALEX
Hey.
HALEY
What is it?
ALEX
Nothing.
HALEY
Now why dont I believe you?
ALEX
Well, I heard Luke has something
going on today.
HALEY
Yeah, why would you care?
ALEX
I dont.
HALEY
You dont?
ALEX
I asked and he didnt tell me.
HALEY
Maybe its because its important
to him.
ALEX
I thought that maybe hes like
going out on a date. It has to be
it.
HALEY
He didnt tell you?
ALEX
No.
HALEY
FYI - hes going out with Mallory
Tweeden, the coolest girl in his
class.

10.

ALEX
He told you that?
HALEY
He told me.
ALEX
Why?
HALEY
I dont know.
ALEX
Weird. He didnt tell me.
HALEY
How about that.
Alex puzzled.
EXT. SUN VALLEY SKATING RINK - DAY
MITCHELL, CLAIRE and LILY skating. Well, Lily trying to
skate.
MITCHELL
Wow, these skates are really tight.
CLAIRE
The pain is pretty bad. But it
takes some time get used to these.
MITCHELL
I think mine are half a size too
small.
CLAIRE
You can try another pair if you
need.
MITCHELL
Lily come on. You can do it.
LILY
This is difficult.
MITCHELL
It is at first. But it gets better.
Lily falls.
MITCHELL (CONTD)
Aww.
CLAIRE
I can hold her.

11.

Claire holds Lily.


MITCHELL
You look so sweet together.
LILY
I can do it myself.
MITCHELL
Wow you got confident fast.
LILY
I can do it.
Claire lets Lily do it. Lily manages to take a couple of
steps but eventually falls again.
CLAIRE
Aww. Nice try.
MITCHELL
Already getting better.
LILY
I want to take a break.
MITCHELL
Thats okay honey.
LILY goes to the stairs to sit. Then Mitchell and Claire look
at a professional skater do a triple jump.
CLAIRE
They make it look so easy.
MITCHELL
We never were that good.
Mitchell and Claire skate around.
CLAIRE
I could barely do a double toe.
MITCHELL
Cant even do a single one now. The
only thing Im able to do is...
probably a lift. Thats it.
CLAIRE
Yeah. (THEN) Want to try?
MITCHELL
I dont know.
CLAIRE
Well we could try and pretend that
were one of them.

12.

MITCHELL
I guess, but we have to be careful.
Close by is a skater who performs a backflip. BRIAN BOITANO
is there too doing stuff.
Mitchell lifts Claire.
CLAIRE
Guess whos here?
MITCHELL
Who?
CLAIRE
Brian Boitano.
MITCHELL
I cant see. Im holding you up.
(THEN) Let me see.
CLAIRE
Take me down.
It doesnt go well. They both fall, sort of. Boitano takes a
good look at them both.
MITCHELL
Perfect.
EXT - SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE HOME DEPOT - DAY
PHIL and JAY walking.
PHIL
You know, Claire has talked about
remodeling the bathroom for a long
time.
JAY
Well good luck with that. It wont
be just about replacing the toilet.
PHIL
She said it has to happen this
year.
JAY
I can give you a hint. When me and
DeeDee were together, I just kept
listening to her and listening to
her.
PHIL
And you didnt do a thing.

13.

JAY
The bathroom was fine. But you know
women. When they get an idea,
theyre going to get their way. One
way or another. Its just how it
goes.
PHIL
So what am I going to do?
JAY
You have to fix it.
PHIL
Right. But its not broken. The
bathroom is fine.
JAY
You still have to fix it.
PHIL
How?
JAY
You have to fix it.
PHIL
I dont get it.
JAY
You dont have to get it. You just
have to do it.
They enter the store.
EXT. SUN VALLEY SKATING RINK - DAY
Claire, Mitchell and Lily taking a break.
A professional skater somewhere does a combo jump.
MITCHELL
Oh thats nice.
LILY
Did you do jumps like that?
CLAIRE
Almost.
MITCHELL
Still want to become an ice-hockey
player?
LILY
I dont know.

14.

Then Brian Boitano does a beautiful spread-eagle.


CLAIRE
Thats awesome.
Claire gives applause. Boitano looks at them again.
MITCHELL
Maybe we shouldnt bother him.
Then Boitano approaches them.
CLAIRE
Hi. Youre doing really great.
BOITANO
Thank you. (THEN) You know, I was
watching you for some time.
MITCHELL
Yeah, we sucked.
BOITANO
No, I mean, I was wondering... and
you know, I might be wrong but you
remind me of someone.
CLAIRE
I bet youre confusing us with
someone else.
BOITANO
Maybe. But I kind thought for a
minute that I remembered you from
like back in the early eighties.
LILY
Thats thirty years ago.
BOITANO
Is there any chance that youd be
Fire & Nice?
MITCHELL
Oh my god, yes. Yes, we are.
CLAIRE
Yes. Im the nice one.
MITCHELL
How were you able to remember?
BOITANO
I mean, how could I not. You were
so full of passion..
MITCHELL
Thank you.

15.

BOITANO
And you werent that nice, if I
may.
CLAIRE
I guess you got me. But Im really
nice nowadays.
Mitchell looks at Claire.
CLAIRE (CONTD)
I think Im relatively nice.
Mitchell again.
CLAIRE (CONTD)
Okay, Im not the worst person in
the world.
Mitchell agrees.
LILY
Im hungry.
MITCHELL
Me too honey, well grab something
to eat soon.
BOITANO
You know, I was thinking, Im a bit
hungry too, so if you dont have
anything better to do..
MITCHELL
I dont see how we could have.
BOITANO
Maybe we could have lunch or
something.
CLAIRE
Of course.
BOITANO
You know, otherwise I would just do
something stupid and eat like gummybears for lunch.
LILY
I like gummy-bears.
BOITANO
Would you like to have mine?
LILY
Can I daddy?

16.

MITCHELL
Yes, but only after you eat your
lunch.
BOITANO
Okay, see you in a minute.
Boitano leaves.
CLAIRE
Oh my god.
MITCHELL
I did not expect that.
INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Luke taking something from the fridge. Alex shows up.
ALEX
I heard youre going out with
Mallory Tweeden.
LUKE
Oh yeah.
ALEX
You thought it was something that
you didnt want to share with me.
LUKE
Its not something thats
especially cool.
ALEX
Not cool? Shes the most popular
girl in school. And you didnt tell
me.
LUKE
Because it was a secret.
ALEX
A secret?
LUKE
Okay. Not a secret. But I wasnt
running around telling everyone.
ALEX
Haley knows it. I bet Mitchell
knows it. What about Phil or
Claire?
LUKE
I dont know. I havent told them.
I mean, Im not that crazy.

17.

ALEX
Right.
Then Haley comes down.
HALEY
He didnt tell you because youre
not the cool girl.
ALEX
Come on.
LUKE
Well..
ALEX
What? I know how to be cool too.
HALEY
What would you know about being
around Mallory?
ALEX
Shes a girl like me.
HALEY
Shes a girl but thats where the
similarities end.
ALEX
Thats not fair.
HALEY
I gave Luke all the advice that he
needed. You do remember what I told
you?
LUKE
Yeah but I cant that say that you
really helped me. It just got me
more confused.
ALEX
See.
HALEY
You cant go wrong if you
compliment her looks or if you take
her to the place where she likes to
go. And you definitely should wear
the shirt and the trousers I picked
up for you.
LUKE
I dont like how they fit. I dont
feel comfortable wearing those.

18.

ALEX
Should have asked me.
HALEY
But he didnt because youre not
cool.
LUKE
Its not that simple.
HALEY
It is to me.
LUKE
Just leave me alone. Youre not
helping. (re: Haley) I dont need
your advice and (re: Alex) I dont
need you snooping around.
Luke leaves.
LUKE (O.S) (CONTD)
Youre making me feel like I dont
know who I am anymore.
HALEY
Now look what you just did?
ALEX
Me?
HALEY
Yeah, you.
Alex self-conscious.
END OF ACT TWO

19.

ACT THREE
INT. HOME DEPOT - DAY
PHIL
Wow, this is the first time Ive
been here.
JAY
And very likely not the last.
PHIL
Wheres the bathroom stuff?
JAY
Section seven.
Then Jay gets a call. Phil goes. Its Mitchell in a
restaurant.
JAY (CONTD)
Hi Mitch. Youll never guess what
happened today.
MITCHELL
Yeah, well I bet that youll never
guess what happened to me and
Claire.
Anyway, I was wondering
if youd want to go with Manny and
Gloria to an ice show tomorrow.
Weve got some free tickets.
JAY
I dont really know.
MITCHELL
Theres Brian Boitano..
JAY
Yeah.
MITCHELL
Michael Weiss.
JAY
Dont know him.
MITCHELL
Joe Sabovcik.

20.

JAY
Must have heard his name but cant
really remember..
MITCHELL
And Sasha Cohen.
JAY
Oh, of course. Yes. Were in. I
loved Borat.
MITCHELL
The other Sasha Cohen dad.
JAY
Oh. I guess well talk about that
later. I have a thing to do with
Phil right now. If you know what I
mean.
MITCHELL
I dont and Im not that sure I
need to.
They end the call. THEN a bit elsewhere we get a look of Phil
looking at the toilets.
PHIL
(to himself) Have to say these look
pretty awesome. Maybe Claire wasnt
wrong after all.
INT. RESTAURANT SOMEWHERE IN SUN VALLEY - DAY
Mitchell, Claire, Lily and Brian Boitano having lunch.
MITCHELL
Dad thought Sasha Cohen meant
Borat.
BOITANO
You wouldnt know how often that
happens.
MITCHELL
Im sure our fathers going to
appreciate Sasha too. Hes got an
eye for beauty.
CLAIRE
Married to a Columbian beauty
queen.
MITCHELL
Its a happy marriage.

21.

CLAIRE
Weve been really fortunate as a
family.
MITCHELL
But not as fortunate as you.
BOITANO
I guess Ive been doing quite well.
MITCHELL
Quite well? Youre the olympic gold
medalist from Calgary.
BOITANO
I still remember every moment of
that performance.
CLAIRE
And youre an Emmy winner too. I
cant forget your performance in
Carmen.
MITCHELL
I cant imagine myself ever winning
one.
CLAIRE
Well, you never know.
BOITANO
Yeah, but still. It just a statue..
and its not made of gold. Neither
is that gold medal by the way.
MITCHELL
And lets not forget that theres a
song named after you. How did the
lyrics go again..
CLAIRE
And you had your cooking show on
tv.
BOITANO
Yeah.
CLAIRE
And that cook book. Oh, we love
food.
MITCHELL
We really do.
BOITANO
Yea. I guess. But you know,
sometimes I just feel like I should
have done something more.

22.

They eat something.


Mitchell being emphatic.
BOITANO (CONTD)
I dont know. I know how it
sounds..
MITCHELL
We understand. You know, sometimes
I feel like Im inadequate too.
CLAIRE
Lets not even start talking about
me.
BOITANO
Sometimes I feel that something is
kinda missing from my life to be
honest.
Boitano looks at Lily as a tell. Then someone comes to ask
for an autograph.
BOITANO (CONTD)
I dont know about that. (THEN) Why
dont we take a group photo
instead?
That someone more than happily agrees. Lily happily poses.
MITCHELL
It wont be Lily whos missing from
the picture.
INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - LUKES ROOM - DAY
Luke is trying on some clothes. Alex comes in.
ALEX
Hey.
LUKE
What do you want?
ALEX
I just want to say that..
LUKE
Yes.
ALEX
It wasnt really my business what
you were doing today. Im sorry.

23.

LUKE
Thats okay. I just got frustrated
because Im nervous.
ALEX
You know, sometimes I just feel
left out and it doesnt make me
feel good to be honest.
LUKE
Yeah.
ALEX
I mean youre supposed to have a
good day today. Its just that
everybody except me knew what was
going on. (THEN)
LUKE
You want to know the truth about me
going out with Mallory?
ALEX
If you want to tell.
LUKE
Okay. So how it went is, pretty
much, that I didnt ask her to go
out with me.
ALEX
What? What do you mean? She asked
you?
LUKE
Yeah, and I didnt know how to say
no.
ALEX
You didnt want to go out with her?
Why?
LUKE
I dont know. Maybe I do, maybe I
dont. But shes like this cool
girl and I dont really know about
that stuff. I didnt know what to
really expect and I still dont.
ALEX
So why did you tell Haley and not
me?
LUKE
Its because its easier to talk to
Haley.. also because youre not
superficial or something..
(MORE)

24.
LUKE (CONT'D)
..and I kinda felt like that if I
told you..

ALEX
You thought that would like..
LUKE
I thought it would make me
superficial or something. I know it
doesnt make sense.
ALEX
I dont know. I guess it doesnt
and yet I guess it does. (THEN)
LUKE
So were okay?
ALEX
If you can forgive me?
LUKE
Yeah. But I still dont know what
Im supposed to do.
Haley outside, back to the wall, listening.

END OF ACT THREE

25.

ACT FOUR
EXT. OUTSIDE THE RESTAURANT - DAY
All four outside.
MITCHELL
You know, it was an honor to be
able to spend time with you.
BOITANO
Im so happy I was able to talk
with you too.
CLAIRE
I hope you enjoyed it as much as we
did.
MITCHELL
We really did.
Boitano a bit sad. (THEN)
CLAIRE
Is something wrong?
BOITANO
No. Its that Ive felt a bit
lonely lately.
MITCHELL
Yeah, sometimes I feel lonely too.
BOITANO
It just came to my mind that I
dont have anything to do tonight
and stuff.
Theres pretty much an
empty house waiting for me. (THEN)
CLAIRE
You know you could spend time with
our family if you want.
BOITANO
I dont know, I dont want to
bother you.
CLAIRE
It wouldnt bother us at all.

26.

MITCHELL
You can be most certain of that.
Boitano still sad.
CLAIRE
Maybe you could show me how to
like.. cook. You could show your
recipes.
Boitano nods. Then Mitchells cell phone rings.
MITCHELL
Its Cam. My husband.
INT. CAMERON & MITCHELLS HOUSE - DAY
CAMERON
You dont know what happened today.
MITCHELL
You dont know what happened to us.
Were having lunch with Brian
Boitano.
CAMERON
Oh my god.
MITCHELL
Yeah.
CAMERON
Youre not joking are you?
MITCHELL
What happened there?
CAMERON
Its not important. We have it
under control. (THEN) Hey did you
sing the song.
MITCHELL
No. I dont think its the best
moment for that now.
CAMERON
How did it go again. Lets see.
What would Brian Boitano do, if
hed be here right now, Im sure
hed kick..
Cameron keeps singing the song. Mitchell just ends the call.
MITCHELL
Okay, lets save that for another
time.

27.

CLAIRE
(RE: Boitano) So how about it?
BOITANO
Well -- do you have something in
mind that youd want to eat?
MITCHELL
Alright.
CLAIRE
Anythings good for us.
LILY
I want pasta!
BOITANO
Pasta it is then.
They start walking away together.
BOITANO (CONTD)
You know, I really need to learn
those lyrics one day.
INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - DAY
Luke is about to leave the house. Then Alex shows up.
ALEX
Hey.
Luke doesnt say anything.
ALEX (CONTD)
Before you go Id like to give you
something.
LUKE
What is it?
ALEX
A note. To help you.
LUKE
Whats on it?
ALEX
Dont read it now. Theres
everything you need to know on it.
LUKE
I think I already got all the help
I needed.
Alex gives it to Luke nevertheless.

28.

ALEX
Good luck with the date.
LUKE
Thanks.
Luke goes out.
INT. CAMERON & MITCHELLS HOUSE - DAY
Phil and Jay show up at the door with the toilet, Phil
carrying it.
PHIL
Here we go.
CAMERON
Thank god you came.
JAY
Not a problem. Hey, did you turn
off the water from the main switch?
CAMERON
I did.
JAY
Good.
CAMERON
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
JAY
No need to thank us.
CAMERON
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
JAY
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
CAMERON
You saved our day.
PHIL
(to Jay) Is it easy to replace?
JAY
Its very easy. Its like turning
on the tv. You just have to know
which buttons to press.
PHIL
You know, claire once broke a
remote because she didnt know
which buttons to press.

29.

They keep heading towards the bathroom.


CAMERON
Did you hear about Brian Boitano?
JAY
We did.
CAMERON
What do you think he would do?
PHIL (O.S)
Fix the toilet and beat up Kublai
Khan.
JAY (O.S.)
Yeah.
CAMERON (O.S)
Are you sure this is easy?
JAY (O.S)
Its is easy. Trust me.
CAMERON (O.S)
Good.
A MONTAGE:
Music!
INT. CAMERON & MITCHELLS BATHROOM - DAY
We get to see Jay replacing the old toilet with a new one.
JAY (V.O.)
You, know sometimes we tend to
forget that when someone asks our
help, theres usually a good reason
for that.
EXT. SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE - DAY
Luke reads what Alex wrote to him.
JAY (V.O.)
Sometimes its a smaller problem,
sometimes the problem is a bit
bigger.
EXT. OUTSIDE LUKES DATES HOUSE - DAY
Luke rings the doorbell.

30.

(THEN) A mom of Lukes date comes to open the door.


LUKES DATES MOM.
(smiling) And you must be..
LUKE
Im Luke Dunphy.
Luke smiles.
INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
We see Boitano preparing food with Mitchell, Claire, Cam,
Phil and Jay.
JAY (V.O.)
But if ever you get a chance to
help..
They all have a good time.
JAY (V.O.)
Especially when that someone is an
olympic gold medal winner, you
should consider yourself lucky.
We see them eating together.
INTERVIEW - JAY
JAY
Especially because..
Jay grabs a plate full of pasta.
JAY (CONTD)
This pasta that he cooked us, is
the best that Ive ever had.
Jay keeps eating.
JAY (CONTD)
Gloria! You have to learn how to
make this.

END OF ACT FOUR

31.

TAG
INT. BOITANOS PLACE - DAY
Phil, Claire and Cameron with Boitano whos holding his Emmy.
Mitchell and Jay in the other group.
Cameron looking at the Emmy.
CAMERON
(mischievously) Well, you never
know.
Phil and Claire same reaction.
Jay and Mitchell on the other hand, grumpy.

END OF SHOW