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Meet-Cute AUDREY Ten-Minute play Characters: AUDREY: A very attractive girl in her twenties. Dressed stylishly for winter.

WILLIAM: Aged late-twenties/early-thirties. Wearing trousers, a striped shirt, a bow-tie and a blazer/coat Setting: The Arrivals lounge of a UK airport (The lounge is mostly empty. WILLIAM is sitting nervously on a chair. WILLIAM enters casually, perhaps humming a tune, and suddenly stops as if he realises he is in the wrong place. He takes a look around and spots AUDREY. The song L-O-V-E by Nat King Cole is played during the changeover and fades out as the characters start speaking.) ANNOUNCEMENT: Virgin Atlantic Flight VS 004 from New York has just landed at terminal 4. Passengers please collect your baggage from Carousel 6A. WILLIAM jumps up, started. AUDREY: Excuse me, which flight did they just announce? WILLIAM: The Virgin Atlantic one from New York. AUDREY [sits down again, relieved]: Phew. Thank God. WILLIAM: That's an odd response for somebody who's waiting for someone they're presumably fond of. AUDREY [eyes hiim speculatively]: Well that's really nobody's business but my own, is it? WILLIAM: Which is precisely what makes it so overwhelmingly attractive to everybody else. AUDREY turns away from him. WILLIAM looks amused. WILLIAM: I'm sorry, but haven't we met before? AUDREY: Oh boy. WILLIAM: Well, have we? AUDREY: I'm sorry, I assumed that was a rhetorical question.

WILLIAM: I never ask rhetorical questions; verbal diarrhoea has become such a raging epidemic that they rarely go unanswered. AUDREY [laughing]: Seriously? Do you always talk like this? WILLIAM: Most of the time. AUDREY: I suppose you think it's clever. WILLIAM: I suppose you don't. AUDREY: I suppose...never mind. WILLIAM [sitting down next to her]: Well, now that the ice has been broken... AUDREY: It hasn't. WILLIAM: But it's going so well! AUDREY: You probably thought the same thing about that stripes-and-bow-tie debacle you have going there. WILLIAM [looks hurt]: This happens to be my Sunday best. AUDREY: Just remember to send it back to Willy Wonka when the week begins. WILLIAM: Are you always this unfriendly? AUDREY: ARe you always this persistent? WILLIAM: Only when I'm wearing my lucky bow-tie. AUDREY: Oh God. Look, I'm not interested. You're wasting your time. WILLIAM: How can you be so sure you're not interested? You don't even know me. Or are you one of those "jaded" women, the kind who made terrible romantic decisions and went through a "fat phase" with Ben, Jerry, and Friends re-runs for company, wrote at least thirty-seven melodramatic versions of your story - one of which was even published by Seventeen magazine - and then one day decided to reenter civilised society armed with cynicism and a size-zero bottom, vowing to never trust a man again? AUDREY: Calm down, Carrie Bradshaw, I'm here to pick up my boyfriend.

WILLIAM: And I'm here to pick up my girlfriend. What of it? AUDREY: SO you come to the airport to pick up your girlfriend, and pass the time by hitting on a random girl in the arrivals lounge? WILLIAM: Not frequently; only when she happens to be as charmingly hostile as yourself. AUDREY [wonderingly]: You have issues. WILLIAM: At least I didn't jump like a startled hare on a hunting trail when I thought my boyfriend's plane may have arrived and let out a sigh of relief that could be heard all the way in the remoter parts of Kazakhstan when I realised it was a false alarm. AUDREY: That...is my business. WILLIAM: But that, my delightful little Oompa-Loompa, is exactly why I find myself compelled to be so persistent! AUDREY: Oompa-Loompa?! WILLIAM: How can you not like the stripes? They look so...debonair! AUDREY: Are you gay? WILLIAM: A common misconception, given my devilish good looks and dapper sense of style, but no. I remain devoted to the female sex. AUDREY: I feel sorry for your girlfriend. WILLIAM: She has everything a woman could possibly want. AUDREY [muttering]: Except for a tranquilizer gun. WILLIAM: Did you say something? AUDREY [sweetly]: Not a thing. WILLIAM: Be carefull, Trunchbull, or I may suspect you of having a sense of humour. AUDREY [standing up]: Okay, that's it! I'm not going to stand for this any longer. My name is Audrey, and I'll thank you to use it - and nothing else - to address me!

WILLIAM [also standing up]: Audrey? As in, the incomparable Ms. Hepburn? AUDREY: Yes! The one and only. WILLIAM: But this is fate! This is miraculous! AUDREY: This can't be good. WILLIAM: But it's wonderful! You were named after Audrey Hepburn, and I was named after one of her most prolific co-stars - William Holden! AUDREY: Really? OUt of all the Williams in history, William Holden is the one you were named after? WILLIAM: Yes! AUDREY sits down, gazing cynically at him. WILLIAM: Well him, and my grandfather. AUDREY: Oof. Look, I'm not having the best night, won't you please just leave me alone for a while? WILLIAM [heavily sarcastic]: Yes, it must be a difficult night indeed, what with your boyfriend returning from Timbuktu or wherever, how are you coping? AUDREY: For the last time, that is none of your business! WILLIAM: All right, all right. I will leave you to brood in silence. WILLIAM walks away. AUDREY lets out a long sigh and takes out her cell phone, intently checking something on it. Upstage, WILLIAM can be seen paying for two cups of coffee and something in a brown paper bag. He picks it all up and walks back to AUDREY. AUDREY [faintly amused]: You're back. WILLIAM [handing her a cup]: I thought you could use a coffee. AUDREY [taking it from him]: I really could, actually. Thank you. WILLIAM: You're welcome. I also got you some...doughnuts. AUDREY: I hate doughnuts.

WILLIAM [throwing the brown bag into the dustbin nonchalantly]: Me too. I never did get the appeal where's the fun in eating something that just disappears into nothingness halfway through? AUDREY [indignantly]: I know! And they're so deceptively oversized! WILLIAM: They are a gross violation of consumer rights. But hey, it looks like we have something in common! AUDREY [laughing]: Well, statistically speaking, it was bound to happen. So tell me, William, what do you do? WILLIAM: Apart from dashing hopes and breaking hearts, I spend my days crunching numbers behind a mahagony desk. AUDREY: I suppose a straight answer would be too much to expect. WILLIAM: You're a quick learner! But for the record, I work at a bank. AUDREY [curiously]: You really don't look like a nine-to-five corporate drone. WILLIAM: I think that may actually be the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me. AUDREY [laughing]: Actually, I'm not surprised! WILLIAM [pretending to be offended]: That was needlessly vicious! AUDREY: Oh come on, when was the last time you said something sweet to anybody? WILLIAM: Five seconds from now. AUDREY: Excuse me? WILLIAM: When you smile, you make the very air around you sparkle. AUDREY [turning away to hide a smile]: I think that may be the cheesiest thing anybody's ever said to me. WILLIAM: Then the boyfriend has been terribly remiss. Speaking of which, when do you expect him to arrive and break up our little soiree?

AUDREY [looking conscious]: I just checked; his flight was delayed. It should be landing within the next half-hour. WILLIAM: Then we haven't a moment to lose. AUDREY: Hey! What about your girlfriend? When does her flight land? WILLIAM: Er...forty-five minutes from now. AUDREY [looks suspicious]: Where is she coming from? What airline is she flying? WILLIAM: She is a very private person. I hardly think she would appreciate me divulging such delicate details to a complete stranger. AUDREY: That's ridiculous! Why would she mind? WILLIAM: Well she's very concerned about airplane security...she has a fear of flying, so it's really hard to convince her to even get on a plane. AUDREY: Your story is full of holes, I hope you realise. WILLIAM: I beg your pardon, this is not a story! My girlfriend is flying in on the Lufthansa flight from Frankfurt, due to land in [checks his watch]...forty-three minutes from now. AUDREY: What's her name? WILLIAM: Kate. AUDREY: William and Kate? Really? WILLIAM: Alas, we never did crave notoriety... AUDREY [shakes head]: You are incorrigible. WILLIAM: And you are entirely too subdued. I feel like a song. Do you feel like a song? AUDREY: What? Umm, I don't... WILLIAM takes out his cell phone and selects something from his playlist. La Vie En Rose by Louis Armstrong starts playing. WILLIAM [standing up]: Shall we dance?

AUDREY: Here? Right now? WILLIAM: Yes, come on! [pulls her up towards him] AUDREY [as they dance]: This is crazy. WILLIAM: This is marvellous. AUDREY: People are looking at us. They're going to chuck us out! WILLIAM: Then we'll wait outside. AUDREY [laughing]: You have an answer for everything, don't you? WILLIAM: Not quite everything. Won't you tell me what the problem is? AUDREY [sighing in mock frustration]: You're not going to give it up, are you? WILLIAM: THe chances are slim. AUDREY: Well, if you must know, Richard - my boyfriend - got offered this fantastic job with a law firm in Chicago, it's really a great opportunity, and he asked me to move there with him. As his wife. WILLIAM: Oh? AUDREY: I told him I'd give him my answer when he returned from this trip. WILLIAM: What is your answer? AUDREY: I don't know. I don't think I'm ready to give up on...I don't know what. But if I say no, that's pretty much the death-knell for our relationship. WILLIAM: Do you love him? AUDREY: I...thought I did. But I don't want to make his life my life. WILLIAM: And what do you want, Audrey? AUDREY: I want...madness! I want rapture. I want to travel the world - have breakfast in Zurich, lunch in Paris...

WILLIAM: And dinner in Rome. AUDREY: Exactly. AUDREY and WILLIAM stop dancing and stand facing each other. WILLIAM: You can have all of that, Audrey. AUDREY: It's not possible, William. WILLIAM: Anything is possible! In the words of PG Wodehouse, never confuse the unusual with the impossible! AUDREY: No, but this is not a joke, this is... WILLIAM: Madness? AUDREY [slowly starting to smile]: It's madness. WILLIAM [also smiling]: Then it's settled. AUDREY: But...but wait! What about Richard? And Kate? WILLIAM: Richard will have his answer when he doesn't see you, and as for Kate, she's fictional so I don't think she'll mind. AUDREY: She's fictional! William, you're a...a scoundrel! WILLIAM: And a rogue and many other things, but most importantly, my dear, I am in grave danger of falling quite outrageously in love with you. AUDREY [eyeing him in a fascinated way]: I think the danger is mutual. WILLIAM [taking her hand]: Then we'd better hurry if we want to catch the next flight to Zurich. AUDREY: The next...oh, what the hell! Let's run. AUDREY and WILLIAM start hurrying off the stage together. AUDREY: William, what were you doing at the airport if you weren't here to pick up somebody?

WILLIAM: Well, it's a rather long story. You see there's this duty-free store here with the most wonderful collection of bow-ties.

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