Try to have duplicates of attractive toys on hand, if possible. This will help t oddlers feel less possessive.

Inevitably, though, a toddler will sometimes want the same toy that another toddler has. The issue is not really the red truck. Th e real issue is, who will control the situation? Toddlers experiment to see whom they can dominate and who will dominate them. Your role as the teacher is to he lp each child feel that she is a respected member of the group. Use language to explain, "John has the red ball right now. You can have it when he is finished." Allowing John to feel ownership of the ball actually makes it easier for him to give it to his friend. he feels in control. he is the one choosing to let go of the desired toy. And he can feel good about making his friend happy when he doe s give her a turn. all of us enjoy feeling in control and pleasing others, at le ast some of the time, and, for a toddler, these are especially important feeling s. Learning to share is a very gradual process. First the toddler must have positiv e feelings of ownership and consistent relationships with loving adults. Then sh e must understand that objects are permanent-that they continue to exist even wh en they're out of sight, and that they return unchanged. Finally, feelings of em pathy develop as the 2-year-old becomes more aware of other people's feelings. O nly then can she experience the pleasure that sharing with friends can bring. What You Can Do Respect early feelings of ownership. Allow toddlers to bring special objects, su ch as a blankie or stuffed animal, from home. Refrain from forcing toddlers to share. Talk them through struggles, and follow up with the child who has to wait for a turn. She might have moved on to somethi ng else, but be respectful and check in. Follow the child's lead when she attempts to engage you in games of give-and-tak e. 3 to 4: "GIVE ME THAT PURSE!" by Susan A. Miller, Ed.D. WHILE PLAYING IN THE HOUSE- keeping center, 4-year-old Anna tells 3-year-old Bri ttany, "I want the blue purse, now!" Ignoring her, Brittany keeps playing. Anna then tugs on the purse. Brittany pulls the purse back, clutches it, and walks aw ay. Now Anna yells, "I'm bigger. You should give me the big blue purse." Brittan y shouts back, "No!" Finally, Anna negotiates, "If I give you my purse with the sparkles, will you give me the blue one?" Brittany thinks about the proposal, th en slowly hands over the blue purse, while reminding Anna, "You only get it for today!" Identifying Common Conflicts Conflicts over possessions, such as toys and play materials, are the most common type of dispute for preschoolers. Usually, these struggles are over in less tha n a minute, and the threes and fours are able to resolve the situations by thems elves, with some children giving in or giving up. Resolving Conflicts When preschool children are in competition for toys, space, or attention from ot hers, and feeling very possessive, they may become physical and hit each other o r have a tug-of-war with the materials. If conflicts escalate, teachers may need to step in so no one is injured and items are not broken while the preschoolers work through the situation. However, for most of their struggles, such as those over taking turns and sharing possessions, preschoolers try out a variety of ta ctics. For those attempting to obtain something, strategies may include those us

ed by Anna: trying to take the item, giving a verbal command or threat, or negot iating. Methods used by a child who possesses the desired item, as was the case with Brittany, may be to ignore the request, give up the object, verbally refuse to comply, resist in physical ways, or make counterproposals. Living in an Egocentric World What causes young children to feel so possessive of their playthings? Still egoc entric, a 3-year-old does not yet have a well-developed ability to put herself i n another's place. A child may carefully guard her toys, as Brittany did, becaus e she believes that allowing someone else to use something is actually giving it away. Most young threes feel vulnerable about losing their possessions. Because they think everything revolves around themselves, when they see all of the toys at school, they think they are "mine." As a result, if they wish to play with a toy being used by another child, they may try to take it. Likewise, if a 3-year -old is playing with a toy, they are likely to try to protect it. Experiencing Ownership Before preschoolers like Anna and Brittany are able to share or take turns, usua lly beginning around age 3 1A, they need to feel secure with their own things. T hey need to know that no matter who might use them, the objects belong to them. And they need to have many opportunities to experience ownership before they can understand another person's right to own something. This can be difficult for p reschoolers to comprehend, especially when a child considers objects from home t o be "mine," but playthings at school are "ours," belonging to everyone. For sch ool playthings, children must discover that others may want to play with things that they want and that they have the same claim to the items. Learning How to Take Turns By 3 to 4 years of age, most children have had enough experience playing with ot her children that they can begin to take turns with an item or share it with oth ers. They may begin to adjust their actions to meet the needs of others, as in t he girls' negotiations with the purses. Children may also decide to play coopera tively with the same playthings, such as when three boys decide to combine their blocks to build a parking garage. What You Can Do Help children learn to ask permission. To help avoid conflicts when one child ha s selected an item to play with, no one else should be allowed to use it unless they ask for and receive permission from that child. Encourage working together. When several children want to use the same object, s uch as a wagon, show them how to take turns (two children ride in the back, whil e the third one pulls). Introduce new playthings. When there is a new toy in the classroom, discuss it a t group time, and make suggestions about ways that everyone can have a turn play ing with it (by signing up, having two children play together, etc.). Implement some turn-taking strategies. When there is only one of something speci al, such as a computer, children often feel possessive of it and don't readily l et others have a turn with it. Try using a time limit, or indicate a specific nu mber of times something can be used before the next person has a turn. 5 to 6: "I HAD THEM FIRST!" by Ellen Booth Church Sometimes it's harder for a kindergartner to share a friend than to share a toy.

REBECCA IS HAPPILY PLAYING WITH PARQUETRY blocks when a friend calls her over to the art table to show her his project. Rebecca gets so excited by the art activ ity that she stays for a while. But when she returns to the blocks, she is upset to find Raul playing with them. "I had them first. They're mine! Give them back now!" Feelings of possessiveness, and even entitlement, can run strong in the kinderga rten year. But at the same time, children are developmentally mature enough to l earn how to deal with these feelings. It just takes practice and the patience an d guidance of their teachers. I See What Happened Kindergartners are at a transitional stage. They have some of the egocentric beh aviors familiar in preschool, but also the empathy awareness of fairness for all . In difficult situations, 5- and 6-year-olds are beginning to think beyond them selves, although not always right away! When asked to, they can observe and cons ider the actions of others and think about the other child's perspective, as wel l as their own. Rebecca's teacher helped her see that Raul thought she wasn't in terested in the parquetry blocks, because she went to another learning center. S he asked Rebecca what she would think if she came to the table and found that th e blocks were out, but no one was there. While it was difficult to admit, Rebecc a could see what happened. Her ability to understand is due, in part, to her dev eloping sense of the passage of time. It allowed her to consider things that hap pened "before" and "later." After talking together about the problem, Raul and R ebecca decided that he could continue playing with the blocks and Rebecca would go back to the art table for a while. The teacher suggested that they set a time r to indicate when Rebecca could come back to play with the parquetry blocks. I'm in Control The issue of control is often at the core of possessive behavior. Young children frequently feel that they do not have much control in their lives. They are tol d when to eat, go to bed, get up, go to school, etc. Understandably, 5- and 6-ye ar-olds like to feel that they have some power, even if it is just over their po ssessions. You can help by inviting them to cooperatively problem solve when dis putes over possessions arise. Instead of telling children who had it first or wh ose turn it is, invite them to help you figure out what is fair for everyone con cerned. Some children who have not had a great deal of school experience before kindergarten have difficulty sharing classroom materials. They may even hoard th em without playing with them. Learning how to share possessions is a key part of the kindergarten experience. That is one reason why it's important for children to have a well-defined space or cubby to keep their personal belongings. This h elps them differentiate between classroom objects and their own things. It also helps them decide if and when they want to share a possession from home. You're Mine! Possessiveness is not always about things. As they are becoming more socially aw are, 5- and 6-year-olds can also be possessive about friends. In fact, it is not unusual to hear children arguing about best friends. Friendships and collaborat ions are important to children at this point in the kindergarten year. Children have been together long enough to see the value of their friends and the ways to make close connections. Unfortunately, sometimes it is harder for kindergartner s to share a friend than a toy. It is important for teachers to create opportuni ties each day for children to work and play with different classmates. Mix thing s up at large- or small-group time, and during outdoor games and transitions. Th is will allow children to experience and appreciate the unique diversity of thei

r class, while avoiding the unpleasantness and possessiveness of cliques. The goal at this stage of development is for children to develop a generosity of spirit that allows them to have relaxed interactions with other children. By ve rbally reinforcing generosity, and demonstrating it yourself, you will be creati ng a classroom atmosphere that is caring, open, and fair. What You Can Do Reinforce children's behavior when they generously share classroom and personal m aterials. Clearly define your policy on bringing toys from home, and provide space for chil dren's personal storage. Use a timer to help children fairly divide time with a toy. Create opportunities each day for children to work and play with different classm ates