What is it good for?

– By Cottontop
The midst of a huge battle in Baghdad
In what is surely the most budget-stretching opening in Olly
and Graham history, this episode opens in Baghdad, in the
middle of a big Advance operation. American troops are pushing
their way through the city, but there is heavy resistance from
the native Iraqis. For a while it is just generic “Pew Pew Pew
BOOM!” action, but then we cut in for some closeups.
General Graham: On walkie-talkie “God damn it, we need some
backup here!”
Major Mullan: taking aim over a barricade, and firing wildly
“It’s no use Sarge, we’re all that’s left!”
Private Projector: Projecting onto nearby rubble “We’re
friggin’ DOOMED!”
Captain Conor: “That’s enough of that attitude soldier! We’re
gonna get through this!”
Lance Corporal Lance: Shaking Projector “Snap out of it man!”
General Graham: “This is it men! We’re gonna have to move!”
The five soldiers charge over the barricade towards the next
cover. On the way, they fire desperately at the surrounding
buildings, full of Iraqi snipers. General Graham, Captain
Conor, Private Projector and Lance Corporal Lance arrive
safely under cover, but Major Mullan collapses behind them
holding his side.
Major Mullan: “Oh frig me like a frig! I’m hit!”
Captain Conor: Rushing back “Noooooo! Hang in there dude,
we’re gonna get you out of here!”
Major Mullan: “Not this time bro. This is...this is the end of
the line...”
General Graham: “Let him go, for God’s sake! We need to move
on or we’re toast!”
Lance Corporal Lance: “We can’t just leave him here!”
Major Mullan: “No, he’s right...I’ll only slow you down...You
guys need to get to the chopper before it’s too late.”
Captain Conor: tearfully “You were too good for this world
buddy.”
Major Mullan gets painfully to his feet, and turns to face the
sniper buildings that took him down.
Major Mullan: “I’ll cover you, now go!”
With a nod, the four remaining guys, strafe silently out from
cover, heading for the open ground. The chopper is faintly
visible in the distance. As they rush triumphantly towards it,
a horde of Iraqi militants emerge from the nearby roads,
cutting off their route. (Mullan in the distance: “Oh DOUBLE
FRIG!”)
Private Projector: Projecting onto a nearby burnt out tank “Oh
crap, NOW we’re friggin’ DOOMED for real!”
General Graham: “Cut that the hell out, you damn Arcadian!”
They dive for cover, but they’re heavily outnumbered. Things
are looking pretty grim for our remaining heroes. Suddenly
there is the sound of heavy machinery and a troop of tanks
rolls into the scene.
Everyone: “FRAN!”
Field Marshall Fran: Jumping out of the tank “I’m not too late
to the party am I?”
General Graham: “Just in time!”
Field Marshall Fran and her reinforcements start to go to town
on the Iraqis.
Fran Marshall Fran: “Go on, get out of here while you can!”
The four guys make a break for the chopper.
General Graham: “I can’t believe it, we’re friggin free,
we’re...!
He is cut off by a stray Iraqi bullet, killing him instantly.
The Real World: Mullan’s Living Room:
Graham throws his controller to the ground in rage.
Graham: “For the love of God! I was in the FRIGGIN’ Chopper
that time!”
Mullan: “At least you don’t die half way through, like I
always do!”
Olly enters
Fran: “Olly! What kept you so long?”
Olly: “Oh, Brad was in town like, I had to give him some more
acting lessons like.”
Conor: “Brad...Brad PITT?!...No, just forget it; here, come
and have a go.”
Olly: “Sweet, what are we playing like?”
Conor: “Iraqi Massacre III – we finally got enough money to
buy it!”
Olly: “Oh that army game? I suppose I can give it a try like.”
Fade out
Fade in
Olly: “SHOOT HIM LIKE! SHOOT HIM RIGHT IN THE FRIGGIN’ HEAD!”
Graham: “Olly...OLLY! You just killed Mullan...again!”
Mullan: tossing the pad aside “There’s a shocker.”
Olly: “Whatever like...U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!”
There is a fanfare of trumpets from the game
Graham: “I don’t believe it...we actually won!”
Olly: “This has opened my eyes...I’m joining the army like!
The Next Day: Bell’s Room
Three guesses what is going on in Bell’s Room? You give up? Ok
I’ll tell you, but really you should know this by now.
Everyone is seated anxiously awaiting the arrival of Olly.
Shady Robbie: “You guys don’t think that unbelievable reject
is actually going to join the army?”
Granite Man: “Granite Man doubts it! The army wouldn’t even
accept me, they’re not going to let Olly fill their ranks.
Fran: “For the last time Gran, the army wouldn’t take you
because you’re composed entirely of rock...you’re a
liability!”
Granite Man: grumbling “I don’t see how...”
Suddenly the door to the room bursts open. Noone is to be
seen, the entrance way is open. Then, Olly bails in, fingers
extended like he’s holding a gun. He strafes to the side of
the doorway, pushing his back up to it for cover and peering
back out of the way he just came in. Seemingly for the first
time, he notices the class. BELL OF COURSE HASN’T NOTICED THIS
NONSENSE, HE TEACHES AS ALWAYS.
Olly: “Oh, hey guys. Good thing you’re here like, they were
beginning to give me some trouble like!”
Everyone listens closely for noise; of course there is none.
Olly: “It’s a good thing I had this elite army battle armour,
or I’d have been toast.”
Without breaking eye contact with Olly, Graham slooooowly
leans over to whisper to Conor.
Graham: “Isn’t that...?”
Conor: “Yep.”
It’s a boy scouts uniform.
Fran: “You...you really got into the army Olly?”
Olly: “Yeah it’s easy like...You just have to tell them the
secret army oath like.”
Lance: “Oh, is that right?”
Olly: “Yep! And look at this, I’m already the Sergeant!”
He points at the sash he is wearing, proudly displaying all
his scouting merit badges – Reading, Knot Tying etc.
Graham: again in an aside to Conor “He can’t have gotten that
many badges in one night...did he STEAL that uniform??”
Conor: “Naaaaah, I’m sure he’s got a good excuse...let him
have his fun – at least he didn’t try to join the actual
army.”
Fran: Standing and saluting “OK Sergeant Olly, Fran reporting
for duty SIR!”
Olly: Immediately assuming the airs of a drill Sergeant “At
Ease like, Privates!”
Bell finally notices what’s going on just in time to hear this
from Olly. He drops the book he is holding and adopts the
classic At Ease position. Graham facepalms.
Bell: “What tasks are we to be undertaking today Sergeant?”
Olly: “Good question private! The same thing we’ve been doing
for the last 6 years...” Conor and Mullan exchange exasperated
glances “...Hunting for terrorists!”
Quinn The Barbarian’s House
Conor and Lance are creeping around Quinn’s caveman style
dwelling, in the dark, with torches.
Conor: “For frig’s sake, this is ridiculous! I don’t know why
we’re even doing this...We’re not going to find terrorists in
Quinn’s house! And we’re dead if he finds us here!”
Lance: “Boy are you going to be sorry if we find any...”
Conor: “Yeah yeah yeah, c’mon, we’re going.”
Lance: “You can go, I’m staying. I’m going to find these
stinking terrorists and repay my debt to Uncle Sam.”
Conor: “...You...yeah, cool, see ya later.”
Exeunt Conor.
Lance continues to poke around Quinn’s shabby cave. His
valiant quest to root out the heart of global terrorism on the
grounds of his European school is admirable, but an exercise
in futility. Suddenly light floods the room as the door opens,
bar the large man shaped shadow it creates. Lance keeps his
back turned, rooting under the bed.
Lance: “I knew you’d come back, come on, I think I’ve
found...”
He turns around for the first time, and stops in his tracks.
It is Quinn the Barbarian. Lance does a large, cartoon “GULP!”

Outside
Conor is making his way back to Bell’s room. He encounters
Graham and Granite Man coming the other way.
Conor: “So uh...find any terrorists?”
Granite Man: “Yes, we found and killed Osama Bin Laden...what
do you think!?”
Graham: “Let’s just get back to class..I’ve got a bad feeling
about leaving Olly alone there.”
They begin to walk to Bell’s room. As they get nearer Lance
comes limping from the direction of Quinn’s cave. He is a
state, completely battered.
Conor: “Uh oh, did he...?”
Lance: “Leave it.”
They get back to the history room.
Voice from the distance: “1, 2, 1, 2 GET RIGHT DOWN THERE
LIKE!”
Graham: “Was that coming from back outside?”
They rush back outside, to the little area that the History
Room window overlooks. Olly is standing with a megaphone (God
knows how he acquired THAT) and is shouting military sounding
instructions through it. At his feet, Mullan and Bell are
rapidly doing push-ups in the mud.
Olly: “You’ll never be fit enough to catch the terrorists at
this rate like! FASTER!”
He hammers his foot onto Mullan’s back. It is too much for the
poor guy, who collapses. Bell, on the other hand, seems to be
rather enjoying the little exercise.
Mullan: “Are we done ‘letting him have his fun’ yet?”
Conor: “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...yeah.”
Bell’s Room:
In some semblence of returning to normality, everyone is back
in Bell’s room for some good old fashioned actual learning
(God forbid). Bell, seemingly revitalised by the day’s
activities, teaches with even more gusto than usual.
Bell: “...and THAT, my friends, is why they call it the
Marathon! Hmmmm, I bet I could run 26 miles in much less
time... I shall put this theory to the test!”
Without another word he bails out the door, presumably to run
however many laps of the school would equal 26 miles.
Mullan: To Graham “Now’s our chance, go!”
Fran: “What’s the plan?”
Graham: “We’ll get the closest thing to a soldier anyone knows
to teach Olly the true horrors of war. It’s harsh, but fair.”
To Shady Robbie “Shades, now!”
Roberto de la Shade sidles up to Olly’s table, while the rest
of the gang go to wait outside, unable to witness the horror.
Shady Robbie: “So, you’re a soldier huh? How many men have you
iced?”
Olly: “What, like?”
Shady Robbie: “Have you seen your comrades give their lives to
rescue a wounded Sergeant? Have you felt the shockwave of a
grenade inches from your tent on a dusky Iraqi morn? HAVE
YOU?”
Olly: “Yeah, like.”
Shady Robbie: “Have you heard the...what? Well that’s just
ridiculous.”
Olly: “Just last night, after I got my badges like, I rode the
Unicorn of Valour into Victory Gorge.”
Shady Robbie: “What are you...What do you even think War IS?!”
Olly: “My dad bought me an M46 Riflemaster yesterday like!”
Shady Robbie: “There is no gun with that name.”
Olly: “Look like, I brought it in!”
Shady Robbie: “You’re not holding anything in your hands.”
Olly: “Oh really? BANG!”
Shady Robbie: “See? You just shouted bang at me. And, if you
actually were holding a gun, you would have just murdered me.”
Olly holds eye-contact silently for several moments, his
expression unchanging.
The Corridor outside Bell’s Room
Shady Robbie comes bursting through the door.
Shady Robbie: “I QUIT! If I see that durpstorm one more time
today I’m going to rip his face off and feed it to his
armpits!”
He storms off down the corridor, mumbling fiercely to himself.
Bell comes flying by on one of his circuits. No one
acknowledges this.
Graham: “Crap. I guess we’re moving on to Plan B.”
Back in the Classroom
Everyone returns to the classroom. Olly hasn’t noticed
anything strange going on. His badge sash is draped over the
back of his chair. Mullan stealthily flanks around the room
until he is behind Olly. He nods to Graham.
Graham: Pointing out the window “Oh my God, Olly, is that
a...huge thing out there!?”
Olly: Leaping to his feet and rushing to the window “No way
like, where!?”
Like a ninja, Mullan nabs all the badges off of Olly’s sash
and pockets them. Flashing Graham an A-OK sign he returns the
sash to the back of the chair, and hastily retreats from the
scene of the crime.
Graham: returning to the desks with Olly “Well that’s a shame,
you just missed it.”
Olly: “Well I’m sure it wasAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH MY
BADGES?!?!?!?!?!?!?”
Mullan: Feigning surprise “What’s wrong Olly?”
Olly: “All my badges are missing like!! OH NO, I’M GOING TO BE
A LOWLY PRIVATE AGAIN!!!”
Conor: “Oh, that’s...that’s terrible...I guess...”
Behind Olly, Mullan and Graham high five.
The Annual Olly & Graham Land Boy Scouts Camping Trip; the
edge of Olly & Graham Forest
Despite this terrible turn of events, Olly has still turned up
for the Boy Scout’s annual camping trip to the edge of Olly
and Graham Forest. He is keeping to himself, equal parts
jealous and intimidated by the other scouts with their
numerous “rank” badges.” His little campfire is situated right
on the physical edge of the forest.
Scout #1: “Come on and join us Olly!”
Olly: “Nah you’re alright like.”
Scout #2: “Olly, come and look at all the new badges I’ve
got!”
This infuriates Olly. He hammers back to his campfire alone,
and clumsily hammers around with his firemaking utensils.
Voice in the distance: “Oh my God, your badges are the best!”
Voice in the distance: “I know, right!?”
This tips Olly over the edge. He kicks his smouldering
campfire, spreading embers everywhere. With a great WHOOSH!,
the surrounding foliage suddenly goes up in flames.
Olly: “...Uh oh.”
Bell’s Room
Olly has finally returned to normal clothes, with the
exception of his little Scout scarf, burnt along its edges.
Olly: “...and he said he had no choice but to dishonorably
discharge me from the army. This is the worst day of my life
like.”
Fran: “Well it’s good to have you back Olly.”
At Fran’s stern look, everyone agrees halfheartedly. Everyone
except...Graham. He is sitting very still, although his entire
body seems to be trembling. He stares very hard at Olly,
trying to compose his thoughts.
Graham: “You killed...YOU KILLED TREES?!?!?!”
Cut to black
“It’s a good thing I’m not going to jail for this, like!”
TAG: The burnt out area of what used to be the west edge of
Olly and Graham Forest. Graham comes running up to the edge of
the ashes.
Graham: Falling to his knees “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
What DEVILRY is this?!”
Conor, Mullan and Fran stand around awkwardly, without a clue
of how to react to Graham’s inexplicable anguish.