1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 Very true Cast: Shakespeare Storyteller Pig one Pig two Pig Three Wolf

Shakespeare's Three Little Pigs

SET: A comfortable chair is sitting SR and there are three cardboard cutouts of the houses laying down CS to SL STORYTELLER (Comes out and sits in chair) Ive been trying to read through the classics, trying to get a little more culture into my life and heres what Ive discovered: I am an idiot. Reading the classics is hard! Its all in English, which is my native language, but I am struggling through the classics and I dont know what happened! But I'm sticking to the fairy tales, like three little pigs... not so many big words. (Takes out a cell phone) I dont know how we got from therethat was the daily language, you know, that they used in the 1800s, 1700s. I'm looking it up, Shakespeare had a working vocabulary of... 54,000 words Fifty four THOUSAND words in just working vocabulary. SHAKESPEARE (Coming on stage) You today, in the United States, have a working vocabulary of THREEthousand words. Thats why when any of you read my works such asWhat light through yonder window. Your first thought is*scratches head* does this come on a DVD? STORYTELLER (Gets up out of the chair and paces) Ok that kind of puts me under the pile a little bit. Gosh, Im not as sharp as I thought I was. If I had been born in the 1700s, presumably children had a bigger vocabulary than I have which means I wouldnt have been able to recite fairy tales to kids because Im not smart enough. You know? SHAKESPEARE (Sits in Chair)

37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 Pray thee little pig, grant me entrance. So how would you tell it?

STORYTELLER SHAKESPEARE (STORYTELLER sits SR of the Chair) Well Take a seat. Lets see... In times passed, though not long ago, there lived pigs in stature little, in number three, who being of an age both entitled and inspired to seek their fortune did set about to do thusly. (Three Pigs enter) When they had traveled a distance, pig numbered first spake saying, PIG ONE Harken Brethren, heed this impetuous realm! Tarry we far from hearth and home I fear we shall fair *snort* not well! SHAKESPEARE And so being collectively agreed, but individually compelled, the diminutive swine set about each to erect for himself an abode. (Pig stands up his house as it is mentioned) Pig numbered one did construct his house of straw. Pig numbered two did likewise, though rather not from straw but instead from sticks. Meanwhile, unique in his imaginings, pig numbered three did erectus his domicile stalwart and garish, a structure made from brick entirely. Soon there happened along, as is frequently the scenario in classic tale of protagonist pig or red hooded child a wolf. (Wolf enters) Carnivorous nature in full season, he called out to the straw ensconced swine saying, WOLF SHAKESPEARE But pig one recalled with sage foreboding that he is mad who trusts in the tameness of a belly-pinched wolf and responded immediately, PIG ONE Nay, it shall NOT be! Indeed! Not by wit or whiskered jowl! SHAKESPEARE Prepared for this most expected response, the wolf replied immediately, WOLF Then steel thyself, little pig! Forthwith shall I endeavor by employing means both huffing and puffing to dismantle yon flaxen fortress! SHAKESPEARE Where upon there issued forth from the wolf an exhale of gale proportions that quickly rendered straw hovel to dregs and dross and carried aloft piglet and shattered quaters both.

74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 one Squealed two

(Pig one's house falls down.) Exposed now to claw and fang, piglet one made haste, wolf in pursuit, to the stick festooned sanctum of peccary secondary. Causing pig two to cry out in dismay, PIG TWO Well, this knocks my knickers! The marshaling of feral wolf to my doorstep is nowhere among those endeavors amenable or congenial! PIG ONE A thousand pardons! SHAKESPEARE (Everyone looks at him funny) PIG ONE Twould seem the beast made from breath has purged me of home and sound judgment alike! SHAKESPEARE The mighty maelstrom of the wolfs exhalesplattered second swines shack and shortened his sanctimonious scolding simultaneously. PIG TWO Low and behold! Squealed two, stand we now amid wooded wreckage, tremulous and vulnerable with nary a strategy for ensuing the canine devourer looming in deadly proximity! PIG ONE Strategy? While 'tis noble to contemplate tactical particularities, pressed as we are with the time restraint forbidding detailed strategical conversations, I would URGE WE RUN! BOTH ONE & TWO WE WEEE WEE WEE WEE (ONE & TWO run about the stage in circles) SHAKESPEARE Whether by their own fleet footed competence or the wolfs winless attitude, the diminutive swine arrived at their ultimate kindred neighbors inexpugnable brick ingress unscathed. Upon the third pigs door with urgent hooves they pounded calling out, PIG ONE & TWO Unbar this entrance and with haste, we beseech thee! SHAKESPEARE The third pig hailed from the American colonies. And possessing a vocabulary substantially less robust than his impromptu visitors replied, PIG THREE

110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144

Say what? PIG ONE Seek we sanctuary! SHAKESPEARE They implore on the verge of hysteria, PIG TWO Lest we fall forthwith to the ravenous appetency of yonder approaching carnivore! SHAKESPEARE Still confounded by their importunate words, Pig three did render ajar his portal whereupon one and two spilled through and collapse beyond the threshold, enervated. PIG THREE Yall just wanted to come in? (Pause) You coulda said that. SHAKESPEARE The sinister hiss of the wolf could once again be heard outside, WOLF Pray thee pigs, grant me entrance! PIG ONE & TWO The wolf! PIG THREE Wolf? Whatchya suppose he wants? (ONE & TWO look at THREE as if to say Seriously?) PIG TWO He seeks to gain purchase within, indeed he would occupy this very alcove where he but afforded the most meager of opportunities! PIG THREE RightIm just gonna go ask him what he wants. PIG ONE Under no circumstances! SHAKESPEARE Squealed one flinging self bodily against the portal, PIG ONE there is none to be gained accost the external opponent save our immediate demise! PIG THREE What did you say about my momma?

145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 Its American made. Good news for you, pig fans.

SHAKESPEARE House and occupants were again engulfed by a malevolent blast of wolfish wind. The foundation shook, the frame rattled, and low, to the astonished eyes of piglet and encroaching scoundrel alike, stood the third pigs lodging undaunted. STORYTELLER SHAKESPEARE Aghast and dismayed, pig two quarried of pig three, PIG TWO How does against such relentless and torrential onslaught, this domicile endure? SHAKESPEARE Pig three, puffed out chest, tapped a hoof to the hearth and responded PIG THREE

THE END