S2 Composition 1 Third person narrative (feedback) A.

. Correct the following spelling mistakes: upsad beginned deinately waked monday Up-side-down

B. Improve the following sentences. Common mistakes 1. 2. There are many questions marks in Janes brain now. She just wanted to find out why she will change places with her mum. I never told you to born me! Remarks brain head Would change (a sentence/ question inside another sentence) reported speech No specific time have never told Born (always passive) give birth to

3.

4.

Suddenly, a light appear and they have been back to normal. Light is uncountable a beam of light Appear appeared Have been were (simple past) Mum answered helpless. Theyve known each other better so much than before. Her principle complained to her mother about this. Janes mum regretted scolding Jane. I shouldnt scold Jane before. I will better go to school as you, said Janes mum. Wf helplessly Table So much better Principle <> principal Past tense after should scold have scolded Had better is a set phrase = should becoming shorter and lighter happens before she thought. past perfect. Hardly only just Hard is both an adj and adv Standing in front (no need while when we use participle)

5. 6. 7. 8. 9.

10. Janes mother realized something had changed. She thought she became shorter and lighter. 11. Mum, you work hardly every day, but I ignored your effort. 12. While standing in front of her mothers office, Jane felt really nervous.

13. Her mother finally knew how many works Jane needed to do at school. 14. (description of what Mum did at school) On the other hand, (description of what Jane did at home/ work)

Work uncountable. On the other hand (used to compare two opposite sides of a situation) At the same time/ Meanwhile

B. Replace the highlighted words with the following: Bellow, groan, mumble, mutter, roar, shout, sigh, murmur, bark, wail, scream So I guess theres no one here? Jane said to herself softly. Where am I? Jane said loudly with her eyes being covered by a piece of black cloth. Hey, old woman, I want anything thats valuable from you NOW! said the robber. C. Good example Remarks Switch Its absolutely ridiculous! Jane screamed. Jane and her mother discovered that they had exchanged their bodies within a night time. In fact, Janes mother was not happy about having a young body. She was so scared that she was shaking like a leaf. At the same time, Jane was like an ant on the hot pan, walking in and out of the room. Falling to her knees, she started crying. We should calm down. If we cannot find the way to go back to normalwe need to pretend to be each other. Mums voice was shaking.

Use of vocabulary phrases Idiomatic expression Participle phrase Participle phrase Vivid description of her voice

Although both of them still could not accept this ridiculous thing, life must go on. The next day, Mum went to school as Jane and Jane stayed at home being like a sloth all day. It was the hardest Simile conjunction day for Mum at school as she had to attend different lessons and activities. When the sun set, Mum was ready to go home for dinner. She thought that Jane wouldnt prepare any diner for her. To her surprise, Jane had prepared a fantastic and delicious dinner for her family. Im home! Mum said. Did you have a great day at school, Mum? Jane said cunningly. No!! Jane, I hope you can do me a favour. Can you go to England for me and send this important package to grandma? Mum asked. Why dont you just send it to her? Jane answered. Because this package is very important So Jane promised Mum and went to pack her luggage. Jane was in the airport. She passed the immigration department

Good use of adj Use of dialogues

easily and set off. After twelve hours of travelling, Jane finally arrived at the London Heathrow airport. Then she went to find grandma. Ding Dong Jane kept pressing the door bell. However, no one answered. Grandma! Im Jane! I have something for you! Jane yelled, but still, nobody responded. So I guess theres no one here? Jane mumbled to herself. Suddenly, Janes eyes were covered by a piece of black cloth. Who are you? Jane screamed. Hey, old woman, I want anything thats valuable from you NOW! bawled the robber. The most valuable thing from me is my family! She continued, I love my family. They are nice to me! The robber nodded. Then the robber bellowed, Where is you family then? Tell me immediately! Theyre in Hong Kong! Far far away! Jane was very scared that she would never see her parents again. Next, the robber brought Jane to somewhere else. It was the airport. Okay, Jane, you may go back to Hong Kong and find your family now. The robber said. Somehow, Jane knew that the robber was her grandma and she burst into tears. Bye grandma! Ill miss you! Later on, Mum went to the airport and fetched Jane. Jane rushed to her mum and everybody in the airport cheered, because they saw a young girl rushing to her mum and give her a hug. Jane! Weve switched back to normal! At last, Jane told Mum all her experience in the UK and Mum laughed insanely. Now that they have been back to normal, Jane has learnt to be a good girl to mum and treasure the family.

Use of phrasal verb

Onomatopoeia Use a variation of verb Suspense Use capital letter to show a loud voice Different use of verbs Climax

Resolution

Comment: Good use of vocabulary learnt, idiomatic phrases, adjectives and verbs. It is a good plot with a climax. However, the part about grandma pretending to be a robber is a bit illogical.