The Iron Warrior: Volume 21, Issue 4

WAI(RIOR
Friday, June 25, 1993 The Forum of the University of Waterloo Engineering Society Volume XXI, Issue #4
A ign of the Times
Or. Pepper
Special to the IW
A local convenience store closed their
mall-front operation this week after allega-
tions of collusion with mafia and math
interests. Officer T. Ease, head of the Black
Orchid Task Force, would not comment on
any on-going police investigations, but said
any and all possibilities were being looked
into. "It's not just selling tobacco to minors
any more," was the only comment this
reporter got
Reacting to the insinuation that a
botched police sting operation the week
before had prompted the move, former
owner and proprietor Booris Bekker had
this to say, 'Who told you that? Nobody
mentioned Belgium. A few hours in the
back room was all he said. Broke the law? I
don't think so. I mean, all the cash was just
donations. There was no cash-for-services-
type thing." When asked about the plane
ticket to Brazil, Bekker remarked it was just
an indefinite vacation.
Speculation is now running rampant as
to the location's successor. Rumours that
retail giant K-Mart will locate here were
categorically denied by K-Mart middle-
management. One upper-middle echelon
manager had this to say, "No we're not
considering it. Why, did Zeller' s send
you?" Similar rumours of South-Western
Ontario's first casino were quashed when
Government officials first confirmed, and
then denied, the rumour.
One thing is for sure, some Laurier grad
will find good employment in the next ser-
vice industry to grace our fair mall
The Special "Get your Semi-formal tickets" Issue
Page 2 The Iron Warrior
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Piyush Bhatnagar
3A Systems
H
ello everyone! It's spew time
again. Even though we're in the
iddle of mid-term season,
things are still happening at a feverish
pace.
First a few reminders. There are about
ten tickets left for the Canada's Wonder-
land day trip. July 19th is the date, and the
main attraction is Kingswood Music The-
atre's presentation of the Spin Doctors. It
just cost $37 which includes your concert
ticket, all-day pass, and bus there and back.
So if you haven't already, come and get
your tickets because they won't last long.
The second reminder is about the
upcoming semi-formal. The Midnight
Magic Semi-Fonnal is being held at Ruby's
on July 9th. Tickets are $23 (the lowest
price ever) and includes a full<our5e din-
ner, one free round of batch at midnight,
Dathan was unavailable for comment
this week. But, if he were, he would proba-
bly tell you to get your tickets for the Mid-
night Magic Semi-Formal, and all about the
dancing 'til you drop, and a new addition.
The BNAD will be playing a couple of sets
of rock&blues for us that night. This band
is HOT! So come on out and buy your tick-
ets in the Orifice. TIckets will be on sale
only illltilJillle30. Do notrniss out!!!
I have tentatively scheduled a skydiving
day for Saturday, July 24th. The cost will
depend on the number of people we get
out. Right now, I've only got 5 or 6 people
besides myself. If we can get at least 10
people, the price will drop considerably
(Le. $170 -> $150). If you're interested
please come and leave your name and
number in the Orifice for me. Remember,
it's just before exams, so if you don't want
to write them, just jump without a chute!
Tal-Eng is scheduled for July 10th at the
Bomber. Sign-ups are happening right
now in the Orifice. We will
be holding auditions this
upcoming week. So if you're
a singer, dancer, musician,
comedian, do fWlny people
tricks or whatever. Come
out and show everyone
what you're made of. There
will be some great prizes to
be won.
One of my more serious
endeavours for this summer
is to hold a forum on Sexism,
Racism, and Homophobism.
This forum will consist of
various speakers who will
Friday, June 25, 1993
up-coming Tal-eng. But since he wasn't
available, he didn't really say these things.
-ed.
give information as well as relay their
experiences with prejudice of this kind.
After the speakers are finished, there will
be a question period in which you as the
audience can get involved. We are trying
to increase the awareness of these prob-
lems within engineering as well as in soci-
ety as a whole. The Dean, various mem-
bers of professional organisations which
deal with these issues, and your peers will
be present to open up a dialogue on these
topics. The seminar will be held midday
on July 15th. This is something from which
we feel everyone can benefit. Please plan
on attending and keep reading and talking
to your class rep.' s for more information.
Until next, time!
P.B.
Friday, June 25, 1993 The Iron Warrior Page 3
S'
, ... _-
Steve Kingsley-Jones
28 Electrical
T:
ere is a certain local drinking estab-
lishment which was market orient-
ed enough to advertise in the Iron
Warrior last Fall term. I don't know the
impact the ad had, but it was of significant
size. Since then we've invoiced them three
times! Twice previously which they had
not paid, but I was willing to give them the
benefit of the doubt, since it was not
myself who had invoiced them.
Now I can say this: Phil's Grandson's
Place is a welch. They contracted for
advertising, they had their ads published
in big bold print, and they have chosen not
to pay. While I would like to encourage
you not to attend such an establishment,
that would be illegal So: I wouldn't go to
some slimy dive, where they won't even
pay a student newspaper for advertising,
who knows what they put in their drinks!
On other fronts, a summary of acrounts
was presented at the last Engsoc meeting,
if you wonder where we stand financially,
come by and see me, or ask your class
reps. I'd reveal the intimate details here,
but that sort of information is not for pub-
lic dissemination. The only people
allowed to see the books are Revenue
Canada and Engineering Society members
(Le., those of you who didn't get your
$10.50 back). As a note, we had 11 refunds
this term, so the other 1300 of you are still
members! If you are not one of the eleven,
come by and check out how much money
Engsoc actually has, I might be able to tell
you.
lowing week, but an exact
date has not been set. The
WEEF is looking forward to
spending some money, but
unfortunately, all proposals
will not be able to be funded.
Ron Butler
3A Systems
T:
1e swnmer tenn can be a test of will.
From an early age, I was condi-
tioned to believe that summer is
synonymous with vacation. I'm sure many
of you can sympathize. After all, how
many of us had parents who admonished
us to "Go outside. It's a beautiful day!".
Wise words; they knew what was coming.
Now I look outside and watch the squir-
rels playing on the grass, and I remember
that last sununer I was playing with them.
The more I think about it the more sense
it makes to have a WA1STAR lab outside!
But enough lamenting my lack of tanning
time. Onward ....
CANADA DAY. OH CANADA DAY.
What a day!
Shucks, there'sjust no end to the fun,
this day can be,
for you and me,
and an the little kids in /hedly!
[see article in this IW]
YOU can GO! Yes, YOU can be one of
the proud delegates to represent Wat rloo
at one of the many engineering cOl1fer
ences scheduled for this swnrner, full and
winter. But you have to act fast and fill oul
an application in the Orifice. If you have
any questions about anything, talk to
myself or to Nancy Faesson. Look for us in
the Orifice. If you can't fmd us, just leave a
message, and we'll get back to you. Also,
cl1eck out the article that summarizes each
conference and its function in this issue of
the Iron Wanior.
YOU can ... USE! Yes, YOU can use the
new on-line UNW ANT ADS. Now don't
get exdted! Read that sentence again s I 0
wi y. It says UNwant ads. UNWANT
ADS are different from WANT ADS
(which don't even exist any more, except
in our minds). The UNWANT AI15 are a

work terms. You can either enter your
opinions about a work term, or see what
other >nl.l tlll ught about ,1 particuln.r
pb.111 VNW ANT ADS ,\1\: , 1)l'Mce pro-
vided by your Engit (' 'ring xi ?t.y and arc
fund 'd by tlw Watl'r1oo El1gil\l' ring
Endowment Fund (WEEF).
Until next bsuc ...
VP-Xhausted Wak ' me in two weeks.
On a more personal note, I .. _____________________________
have a few other words I
Morgan Day
4AComputer
Just another WEEF Day ...
F
rst, I would like to
draw your attention to
the WEEF article in
this issue that gives a list-
ing and brief description
of all the proposals that are
being considered for the Sum-
mer 93 funding decision. The
proposal presentation meeting is
being held in IX 1302 on Monday, June
28 at 7:00 pm and everyone is invited to
attend and ask questions of the presenters.
The funding decision will be made the fol-
would like to say. I would
like to make my sentiments
about last issues' Dear IW
submission. The article as
you may know, was basical-
ly an insult to Steve Kings-
ley-Jones and complained
about his articles in the Iron
Wanior. My feelings are that
Steve does an extreme
, amount of work to benefit
students here at Waterloo. His articles may
not interest everyone, but his work is con-
structive. I think that if people have the
time and energy to write malidous,
unnecessary articles they
should spend some more
time evaluating them-
selves. Also, criticizing
someone for what they
wear and how they look
is almost a direct indication
of you own insecurity. Steve is
a competitive person, but that is
his nature. Overall, he exhibits an I'm
OK you're O.K attitude. The person
who wrote the Dear IW letter should
devote some energy to improving his atti-
tude.
-
-
OPEN' LATE 7 DAYS A
Watch For Our Coupon.
In E very Iss ue of
The rron Warrior
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(j:[-::- \l3\ U.1 Jl .00 lJruvcdHY ..-\ve. I)ffcr valid ;u .60 'CruverslCY Ave. I
',v,<cdoo I W,,,,rloo

160 University Plaza: 884-7821
Friday, June 25,1993
A Dry Engineer Speaks Out
"Hmmm." 'That about sums up my first reaction to Don Bowman's Alcohol and Engi-
neering article in the last Iron Warrior. "Hmmmmm." As you <an tell from the really
desaiptive onomatopoeia, it got me thinking. However, I've decided to stop thinking
and say something.
I believe that the article's point is valid. As one who does not partake of alcohol, I
validate it Even though I have spent just over five months at this wondrous institution
we call university, there have been numerous occasions where I have not attended a
function due to the fact that this function existed solely for the purpose of consuming
large amounts of alcohol
As an abstainer, I sometimes do go to an event that does have alcohol More times
than not, however, these are events that have more substance than the pursuit of the
deleterious effect of a small, funky organic compound. Fed Hall at least has dancing or
pool going on Ditto for the Bombshelter.
There are surprisingly few social happenings that don't include alcohol in
a non-medicinal fashion Nautica1s, although they seem like they'd be a lot ...".."......,...""'"'\.\
of fun, just don't jive with me. Give me two regulation 8-ounce glasses of
A&W Cream Soda and I'll be right in the fray guzzling with the best of
them. But until then, I'll be elsewhere. For a while I was considering
going to the "Midnight Magic Engineering Semi-Formal", but if the cli-
max of the evening will be a free glass of "batch", I believe I shall decline. But
thanks anyway.
Some would say to me, 'Well, if you don't want to drink, just don't go!" Oh,
of course. How silly of me. Heaven forbid I should actually want to go purely for the
socialization aspect, to get out of the house, go out and do something, and have some fun
with my friends. I do not wish to be a social hermit, but one <an only have so much fun if
the entire point of an event conflicts with one's personal values.
I applaud the recent move of making all Scunts alcoholic free events. Sctmts were
introduced to me frosh week as an excuse to rampage around the
campus/ city /province, (fine by me), and then to drink until chaos theory could be
applied to the pile of passed-Out drunks at Sctmt HQ. Yipee. Hold me back. Now that
Scunts are open to everyone, I actually plan to attend the next one, without worries of
having to deal with plastered classmates doling out generous amounts of spirit-enhanced
peer pressure at four in the morning.
It boils down to this; I don't need the hassle. Peer pressure is subtle, but still some-
thing I don't want to have to deal with. Instead, deal with the fact that I don't drink. All
really I ask is that you have a case or two of Coke, or even just apple juice sitting around
for any abstainers that happen to want a good time with some friends. It doesn't take a
hell of a lot of effort to try to please us, and it makes a world of difference when you do
try.
. .. and if any other abstainers feeling the way I do would like to help me start the
A&W Cream Soda Nautical ..
Andrew Netherton
1 B Mechanical
So, What's This World Coming
To, Anyway?
Alun Fryer
3A Systems
l
ust when you thought you could
depend on something, they go and
change it on you. You just can't
epend on anything anymore.
Case in point #1: There's been a lot of
talk about locking the doors in the Engi-
neering buildings. Well, it seems there's a
lot more than talk. I had the idea t:Mt, just
for fun, I would like to spend 30 hours
in a Watstar lab one weekend, fin-
ishing my Software Engineering
project. It turns out that all of
the doors (induding the
ones in the O'H foyer,
which have been left __ ..
unlocked in the past),
had been locked by
about 10pm on Friday evening.
Fortunately, everyone else in my class
were also doing the project as well,
(there's something to be said for the last
minute), so I had little trouble getting in.
The point is that I shouldn't have to look
for a way to get in! I want ~ I want to
spend my life in a Watstar room on week-
ends! By Saturday, the doors had been
unlocked (probably by a Grad student).
This brings up another point Why should
Grad students have keys to the doors, an
thus ~ to the buildings, and I do not?
What good is a door-locking policy if
everyone can find ways, (and there is
almost always a way, if you feel like walk-
ing around to every door in the Engineer-
ing complex), to get in anyway. It just
serves to annoy us, the undergraduate,
keyless, grunts who pay lots of money for
the privilege of being locked out!
Case in point #2.: Where's the Iced
Tea (in a can, and none of that diet
stuff either - rve heard
t rots your brain!) in
the C&D. I mean, if I
-.. -
can't depend on an iced
tea and an apple fritter in
the morning, what can I
depend on? Obviously not the
C&D!
Case in point #3: How come those
o-so-yummy apple fritters come in such a
variety of sizes. I have to carefully choose
to get a nice big one. I mean, in the morn-
ing, I am less than awake at the best of
times, and making me think about which
donut fm going to take is often beyond me
this early.
Geez, what's this world coming to?
A Wet Engineer Speaks Out
Dear IW Editor.
While reading the last issue of the Iron Warrior I found myself taking exception to the
article "Alcohol And Engineering". It is true that as university students we do tend to
drink at most social gatherings but I emphasize the fact that this is a function of our being
university students, not engineers. While we may be alone in running events that are
purely alcohol related such as certain boating events, these events are few and far
between. A significant portion of my social activity while at university in the past has
been with a mixed group of students from all faculties and a hope I don't shock you all)
we are not the only ones who have alcohol at all our social gatherings. Most university
students drink. This is a fact of life and does not make it the central theme of most social
gatherings. Perhaps if this is a problem we should be questioning society as a whole and
not a small group of students.
As far as pressure to drink goes, I freely admit that it is inexcusable, how-
ever Don himself admitted that he has never felt any pressure to drink and
while reading this article a friend of mine who goes to most of the social
functions but does not drink said he had never felt any pressure either.
For that matter, although I could be considered the "stereotypical beer
guzzler" I do not always want to drink at the social gatherings and when I
make that decision I have never felt pressure from friends to do so. Although
it would be naive of me to say that no pressure to drink exists at engineering
parties as I have never bothered to ask a large group of abstainers, I submit that as
engineers we are, if anything, more responsible than the average student group when
it comes to events involving alcohol
Don also discusses our image as "stereotypical beer guzzlers" while also admitting this
is not true as a rule. Perhaps I am not living in the real worlO when I make this statement
but I say "Fuck Them". I think we should concern ourselves with what we are, not what
others think of us. Image concerns have arisen many times in the past few years includ-
ing our Frosh Week practices and the image of our mascot the TOOL (notice the short-
ened name if you have any doubts) and more often than not the problem is not what we
do but what the uninfonned think we do. Since I do not hold any office in the exec I sup-
pose I have more freedom to say these things than others do but perhaps we should con-
sider that reality is more important than image.
As one of the POETS directors for the upcoming fall tenn I will certainly look into pro-
viding non-alcoholic beverages at the fall pubs, as I mentioned earlier, I would often pre-
fer Sprite to a beer. Whether bar services is willing to wheel the pop in as well as the beer
would be the question. As far as serving pop during our Thursday and Friday after-
noons, the long trek over to the C&D will do you some good. I won't go into the morals
of drinking vs. abstention, I don't think that is the question here. The question is whether
or not a choice is available and I think that in a vast majority of cases in engineering the
answer is yes.
Man O' Leisure
2B Systems
In the last issue of the Iron Warrior, there appeared a let-
ter to the editor which was a personal attack. I wish to
apologise for allowing such a vitriolic and juvenile diatribe
to be printed. I won't allow it to happen again.
The Iron Warrior provides a forum for people to air
their views. However, these views should be expressed in
a mature and reasoned manner, rather than simply an
unfounded, unrelated attack. Failing to do so, in my opin-
ion, completely invalidates your position. It may have suf-
ficed in kindergarten to make arguments with insults. It no
longer does.
Don&Alun
The Iron Warrior PageS
Reader Feedback
Dear IW Editor(s}:
I would like to respond to two articles
printed in the last edition of the Iron War-
rior.
1) "Alcohol and Engineering" (Don
Bowman, 3A Systems)
What about POETS?
As POETS director, I can tell you about
the non - alcoholic beverage situation in
our wonderful pub. When Bar Services
comes to POETS during the day <Fonnerly
on Thursday & Friday afternoons, now
only on Fridays because of extremely poor
sales this tenn), they do not serve non -
alcoholic beverages because the C&D
offers a much greater selection of these
drinks at a very reasonable price. At night
pubs, however, (e.g. End-of-midterrn pub
this Friday, June 25, 7:30 - 1) Bar Services
offers pop at $1 a can for those patrons
who choose not to drink beer.
2) IN DEFENSE OF SIEPHEN KINGS-
LEY-JONES
(Dear IW, Kurt l.enfesty, 3A Systems)
I have just as much a problem with the
author of this letter as I do with the editors
who allowed it to be printed. When did
the IW become a SLAM paper? If
Mr.Lenfesty doesn't like the content of the
newspaper, specifically the writings of one
particular author (SK-J), that's fine. He can
state his opinion. A cowardly, backstab-
bing attack on the physical appearance
and self-esteem of the aforementioned
author, however, has no place in any stu-
dent newspaper. The least you could have
done, Mr.Editor, was to allow Mr. King&-
ley - Jones the dignity of a rebuttal to be
printed alongside Mr. l.enfesty's hate mail.
One final note. How is one student slam-
ming another in the IW going to impress
an advertiser any more than Chainsaw
Ralph? Admittedly, the Chainsaw Ralph
cartoons were violent, but at least they
weren't a bilious vomiting of ridicule &
hatred. aimed at an individual.
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Don't Ruin It For
The Rest of Us
Cathy Richardson
1B Systems
I
you are still unemployed after this
week' s job match, you're probably
ooking for someone to take out your
frustrations on. WelL don't blame the pe0-
ple with better marks than you who got
more interviews, don't blame the inter-
viewer who had a bias against guys with
earrings or girls with hairy legs, don't even
blame our beloved administrators at Nee-
dles Hall. You may be able to lay the brunt
of your anger on previous co-op students.
A real-life example will illustrate:
A professional engineer hires engineer-
ing students from various schools. Curious
as to what my fellow co-op students were
doing, I inquired about the latest group of
students. This employer had decided
never to hire UW students again because
of the behaviour of one Waterloo student
who worked there.
On his first day on the job, this student
announced, "Waterloo students don't
work for [employers like this one] unless
there's nothing better around." Way to
make a good first impression there, bud.
Over the course of the work term the
student proceeded to attempt to break into
just about every computer in the building.
He started by downloading software from
BESs, importing viruses onto the network
at the same time. His machine had to be
Don Bowman
3A Systems
U
e a bridge with rotten members
that have been painted to look per-
, we hide our flaws through cop-
ing mecl1anisms. We pool knowledge and
cheat to maintain the perfect image. Not
for us to look stupid: we'll copy someone
who has done the work. The professor will
think the class is doing fine since there is
no hint of the vast ignorance that exists.
The few people who do not tend to hang
around with the class will fail; they do not
receive the help they need.. The rest will
pool knowledge and resources and togeth-
er find the strength to pass, to put on a
show of knowledge.
Thooe who truly do know what is going
on are penalised by this since academic
dishonesty since they do not appear as far
removed from the networl<.
So our friendly neighbourhood co-op
student started asking other employees Or
their passwords to gain access to the
tern. When the clever employees refused,
he tried physically to break into some of
the machines. Eventually he was success-
ful in accessing software that controlled
sensitive equipment. Helpfully, he decided
to recalibrate a million dollar piece of
equipment.
The outcome was not disastrous, since
backup software did exist, but the conse-
quences are worth examining. Because of
one student's conduct, dozens of UW stu-
dents will never have the chance to work
for this employer. The direct effect is fewer
job postings.
Now, we're not talking about playing
Tetris or e-mailing your friend on compa-
ny time here. This student was deliberately
breaking into areas he knew he was not
supposed to be in, for no apparent pur-
pose. It could not possibly benefit him in
any way to change values in a data base,
or to destroy certain essential records. It
will certainly be on his co-op record that he
is an undesirable employee. So what was
the point of it all?
If you're the fool who did it, you've
taken away jobs from your friends and
classmates. IT you're someone who doesn't
have a job yet, you know who to blame.
aheed as theyzaUy am thoatwao
truly do not have any knowledge will
eventually be released into the world as
Ih ' flawed bridgl> member: good m.\rks
n the ut:ide v iling Ul' intcm.1l rot.
n1C probl'm rise; that nl' day th
will b no on to copy from, to derive
strength from On day w will aU be faced
with a probl m 0101 must be solved that
we cannot. II we don't admit that we can-
not solve the problem, who know what
could happen? Our incorrect solution,
founded on pride rather than knowledge,
could be worse than no soluti n at all
Are we doing ourselves a favour by
putting on the perfect show? Worse, do we
hide our flaws even from ourselves?
The problem is that a change to academ-
ic honesty cannot come unilaterally. IT I am
the only one to approach to professor as
helpless, and show my true knowledge for
what it is, I will fail. The professor will
assume I am the outlier, the only person
who doesn't have a clue.
However, there is strength in numbers.
lf you and I and seven others all speak out,
our knowledge can be repaired. If we
don't, we are building on a rotten base.
Like the bridge, we may collapse under
pressure. Worse, when we collapse we
may take others with us.
WEEF Shopping List
Morgan Day
4A Computer! WEEF D,lrec1or
TI
fOllowing list provides details of
. the proposals that have been sub-
mitted to the WEEF for the summer
93 funding decision. The descriptions are
not romplete and do not show which areas
of engineering they would affect, but
hopefully the descriptions provided will
give you an idea of the types of proposals
the WEEF is considering. The complete
proposals may be viewed in their entirety,
by contacting one of your class reps, or at
the WEEP offire CPH 1323C.
CIVIL ENGINEERING
PROPOSALS
TITLE: Civil Engineering Undergraduate
WA1SfARFacility
DESCRIPI10N: Additional workstations
for the Civil Undergraduate WA1SfAR
Lab to upgrade/augment older, obso-
lete equipment; Upgrade old W AT-
SI'AR server machine for the Under-
graduate WATSrAR network (Civil);
Additional storage for Undergraduate
WAlSfAR network (Civil) to alleviate
shortCOmings caused by more space
requirements of students, and applica-
tion packages.
TOTAL COST: $12,628.00
11TLE: How Meter for Hydraulics Lab
DFSCRIP'TION: 2100 srox Swoffer Cur-
rent Meter and Storage Box
TotAL COST: $5,342.00
TITLE: Digital Indicator for Hydraulics
Lab
DFSCRIPTlON: AE213 Model GM Digi-
tal Jndimtor
TOTAL COST: $650.00
TITLE: Hydrolab System
DESCRIPIION: Hydrolab System
1TI1.E: X-Y Recorder (Structures Lab)
DESCRIPTION: Yokogawa X-Y
Recorder, Single Pen (11 x 17 size) Metric
scale, Model #3023-13
TITLE: Transit Instrument for Measure-
ments and Survey Course
DFSCRlPTION: Transit, Sokkia Model
KTS cw tripod
11TLE: Cation Self-Regenerating Suppres--
sor for Water Lab
DESCRIPTION: Cations Suppressor
(Dionex Canada, Ltd)
11TLE: Chemootat for Water Lab
DFSCRIPI10N: Chemootat (Fisher Scien-
tific/ Cole-Parmer)
TInE: Analytical Balance for Water Lab
DESCRIPTION: Analytical Balance (01-
909414 Mettler Model AE2OO- S FJSher
Scientific)
TOTAL COST: $2.650.00
'ITI1.E: Hach Field Test I<it
DESCRIPTION: Spectrophotometer,
HACH Drel/2000 W /Conductivity
HAZ (#45250.15)
TITLE: Wave Geomedia Interaction Lab
Equipment
DESCRIPTION: Dielectric Probe,
(Hewlett Packard); Infrared Viewer,
Infrared Source, Stano; Manual Camera,
(Nikon FM2 with 50 mm Lens), Trix
Combo Tripod, Viviter 2600 Flash
ELECTRICAL AND
COMPUTER
ENGINEERING PROPOSALS
1TI1.E: Upgrades to E&CE Dept Drives
DFSCRIP'TION: 1, WREN SCSI 1900 mB,
125 ms hard drive for electrical server; 1,
SUN X559A 644Mb('CoROM Unit for
SUNEEserver
TITLE: Semiconductor Parameter Analyzer
DESCRIPTION: A semiconductor para-
meter analyzer (HP 41458) to be used by
undergrads to measure diode, transistor
and Ie parameters.
TITLE: WA TSr AR Network Cards for
IEEE Student Branch
DESCRIPTION: Two WATSTAR net-
work <aIds to connect the computers in
the IEEE office to the Watstar Network.
TOTAL COST: $738.30
WATSTAR PROPOSALS
1TI1.E: WATSfAR Expansion
DESCRIPTION: This proposal is to
expand the number of up-to-date WAT-
STAR machines in the W ATST AR
rooms, run by Engineering Computing.
Eleven 486 computers would be added
in the following rooms: (2) in E2. 1302B,
(3) in EL 100, (6) in The GAFF
1TI1.E: MacIntosh Upgrade in the GAF.F.
DESCRIPTION: Replacement of 5 old
MacIntosh plus computers with new
MacIntosh LCllI computers and Centris
610 fileserver.
GEOLOGICAL
ENGINEERING
PROPOSALS
TITLE: Geological Engineering Request
for WA1Sf AR Computer Terminals
DFSCRlPTION: Two 486-66 WATSfAR
computer terminals for the Geological
Engineering Students. Computers to be
placed in the Geological Engineering
Study Room
MECHANICAL
ENGINEERING
PROPOSALS
TITLE: "WA1SfAR" Replacement Com-
puters
DFSCRlPTION: Yr.l - Set of four 486-50
computers with 16" high resolution,
ACAD 386-23 version, ACAD 386-12
version upgrade; Yr2 - One set of four
486-50 computers with 16" high resolu-
tion monitors
1ST YEAR ENGINEERING
PROPOSALS
TITLE: Power System Circuit Analyzer
and Multimeters
DFSCRIPTION: Hand held power multi-
meters ( 3 units), HEME H2000P from
RCC Electronics; Energy Analyzers ( 4
units), HEME Model EBI288-K3 from
RCC Electronics
TInE: Engineering Counselling libraI}'
DESCRIPTION: A small collection of
books that <an be stored in engineering
counselling and borrowed by clients
would greatly facilitate the progress of
engineering students in need of personal
counselling.
TOTAL COST: $167.00
STUDENT SHOPS
PROPOSAL
1TI1.E: Manager Engineering M/C Shops
DFSCRIPI10N: Small Lathe 6" or 8" for
student shop vise for bridgeport milling
machine student shop chucks for exist-
ing lathes student shop
TOTAL COST: $2,750.00+
STUDENT PROJECT
PROPOSALS
TITLE: ABUOV '94 Concrete Toboggan
Team
DESCRIPTION: ABUCIV's concrete
toboggan team will be designing, and
construction a 5-person concrete tobog-
gan which will be competing in the
'Great Northern Concrete Toboggan
Race. The funding requested will cover
the entry fee, materials and transporta-
tioncosts.
TOTAL COST: $23,1m.00
TITLE: SAE Aero Design Team 1994
DFSCRIPTION: Request for funds to pur-
chase testing materials, final model con-
struction materials and to cover the costs
assodated with entering the 1994 event
TITLE: Midnight Sun n Project
DESCRIPTION: Equipment purchases
for the project team include a trailer,
motor, materials for mould, batteries
and spare solar cells. The net request is
for funding to be used for these purchas-
es.
TOTAL COST: $10,cro.00
MANAGEMENT SCIENCES
PROPOSAL
TITLE: Teaching Large Classes
DESCRIPTION: The use of video media
to aid in the teaching of large classes.

setup the new teaching method, hard-
ware costs (video tapes) and theatre
rental for laIge class lectures.
SYSTEMS DESIGN
ENGINEERING
PROPOSALS
TITLE: Workshop Projects Support Funds
DESCRIPTION: A request for student
workshop project funding, that will pro-
vide hands-on learning opportunities for
undergrads.
TOTAL COST: $2cro.OO
TITLE: Control Systems Experiment Sta-
tion
DESCRIYTION: Model 205 Torsion/Disk
which includes a torsional spring, inertia
disk and associated data acquisition
equipment used to demonstrate various
control modes and design different con-
trollers.
TOTAL COST: $9CXXJ.00
CHEMICAL ENGINEERING
PROPOSALS
TITLE: Equipment Updates for Chemical
Engineering Unit Operations Labs
DESCRIPTION: Replacement of gas
chromatograph with computer based
data acquisition (Q-IE 040), replacement
of refractometer (CHE 101 & 040),
replacement of manometers with differ-
ential pressure transducers (Q-IE 025).
TOTAL COST: $19224.00
.
The Iron Warrior Page 7
Phil Nguyen, ESSCO President
Nancy Faessen, ESSCO Rep.
E
gineering Students who like travel-
ling, partying and meeting other
ngineering students from across
Canada.Qualifications: Enthusiastic stu-
dents willing to travel with good commu-
nication skills and a high interest in eng i -
neering student life. If you feel that you are
a good candidate for this position, maybe
you should consider attending an Engi-
neering Student Conference.
Conferences are an opportunity for engi-
neering students to develop, discuss and
share ideas relevant to engineering.
Although the agenda for each conference
varies they usually include workshops,
keynote speakers, industrial tmn'S, sporting
events, and social events often extending
into the wee hours of the morning.
The following conferences are held
annually and hosted by any of ESSCO's
member engineering societies: Carleton,
Guelph. Lakehead, Laurentian, McMaster,
Ottawa, Queen's, Royal Military College of
Canada, Ryerson, Toronto, Waterloo,
Western, and Windsor. All conferences
are open for engineering undergraduate
students to attend, unless stated otherwise.
SSCO AGM (July 23 - 25,1993): The
Annual General Meeting of the Engineer-
ing Student Societies Council of Ontario is
the general assembly of the thirteen mem-
ber engineering societies in Ontario. The
University of Toronto is presently putting
its final touches on the preparation of this
conference. It is guaranteed to be a good
time! The agenda includes $CO Execu-
tive final report presentations, workshops
on issues of common interest to engineer-
ing societies, new executive elections, a ple-
nary session, and plenty social activities.
OESP (September) (Presidents only):
The Ontario Engineering Student Presi-
dents' Conference is the general assembly
of the thirteen engineering society presi-
dents in Ontario. The agenda includes
workshops, brainstorming sessions, engi-
neering society and ES9CO presentations.
PEO UES (October): The Professional
Engineers of Ontario Undergraduate Engi-
neering Students Conference is aimed at
forging links between the engineering stu-
dents and professional engineers in
Ontario. The agenda includes keynote
speakers, round table discussions, industri-
al toW'S, $CO meetingc;, and social and
formal activities. 1his conference is always
a good time.
RESSA-ARSEG (November): The
Regional Engineering Student Societies
Association -1' Association Regionale des
societes d' etudiant(e)s en genie Conference
is aimed at foIging stronger links between
engineering students in Ontario and Que-
bec. 1his event is coordinated by ESSCO
and CoFIQ (Coalition des facultes d'inge-
~ u .. ",.
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ROYAl
MIUTARY
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CANADA
~
nierie du Quebec). The agenda includes
engineering society presentations, round
table discussions. regional meeting, and
social and sporting events.
CCES (January, University of Calgary).
The Congress of Canadian Engineering
Students is the general assembly of all the
engineering societies in Canada. The agen-
da includes Keynote speakets, round table
discussions, workshops, engineering soci-
ety presentations, regional meetings (ie.,
ESSCO/Ontario), industrial tows, ation-
al Executive elections, plenary session, and
social and formal activities. 1his is a week
long conference held annually and host xl
by and of the member ngincering soci-
eties in Canada. It is the largest engin ' r-
Debate. Over $ 25,(XX) worth of cash and
prizes are awarded to the top tree
teams/individuals. Of these, the top two
teams/individuals are also eligible to c0m-
pete at the national level (CEC/CO). This
is not sponsored by the engineering soci-
ety.
_----------------------___ = = = = = ~ ingstudent conerence in th country.
ESSCOLYMPICS (February) TIle ESS-
CEC-eO (March) The Canadian Engi-
neering Competition _ Competition Cana-
dienne d'ingenierie is an extension of 00-
OEe "The categories and rules are similar
and the lop two winning tauns/individu-
als in each category of regional engineering
competition (Ontario, Quebec, Western,
Atl< ntie) compet' with each other. Over
$10,000 worth of <\ 1; h and prizes are
awarded to lh ' lop lhre ' t 'ill'I1S in eadl cat-
egory. TI1is ev nl is not 1;pOnson.>d by th '
engineering soOl'ty.
CAMPUS
SHOP
In the Campus Cen tre ?vIall
T-shirts
Rugby Shirts
Sweat Shirts
Nylon Jackets
Leather Jackets
Gym Shorts
Sweat Pants
Tank Tops
Warm-Up Jackets with Custom Lettering
All crested and non-crested items
available in a variety of
colours and sizes.
Best Prices on Fruit of the Loom in Town!!!
Open Every Weekday
10 - 4:30
Campus Shop - Another Federation of Students service
COlympics is a sporting and social event
for engineering students in Ontario and
Quebec. The agenda includes various
sporting and social activities such as snow
volleyball and football, hockey, toboggan
building and racing, and a nautical
CIO-OEC (February, University of
Guelph) The Competition d'ingeni rie de
l'Ontario - Ontario Engineering Competi-
tion comprised the following categories in
which students enroled in an accredited
engineering program in Ontario may com-
pete with their peers and test the skills
before professionals from industry: Entre-
preneurial Design, Corporate Design,
Explanatory Communications, Editorial
Communications, and Extemporaneous
, /'/.
Requirements: To r 'present th ideals of
Wal rloo to other engineering societies. To
inform Waterloo Engineering Students of
the events and ideas portrayed at the Con-
ference, by means of lh Engineering Soci-
ety and the Iron Warrior. To represent
Engineering Spirit at Waterloo.
Cost Generally doesn't cost you a cent
Application forms for anyone interested
are available in the orifice. So pick yours
up now! All applications are due Jtme 30,
1993 for ESSCO and July 23, 1992 for all
others. For more information about any of
the above conferences please contact Ron
Butler, VP External or Nancy Faessen,
ESSCOrep.
Westmount Place Pharmacy
50 Wcstmounl Rd . N. ,Waterloo . O"'T
OPEN DAILY
Sundays & Holidays
gam 10pm
11am- 9pm
WE ACCEPT U of W STUDENT HEALTH PLAN
/
The Sandford Fleming Foundation
Waterloo Campus Activity
4306 Carl Pollock Hall, University of Waterloo, Waterloo, Ontruio, N2L 3G 1
(519) 888-4008
The first Spring Technical Speaker Competition was held on June 3 with five departments sending a competitor. The Winner was:
Jo-5'Lnne 'Brenne" Systems 1Jesign
Other participants were:
1(uss PaguUzyan, (jeofogica{ 'Engineering
Cfiades St. Ongel Civi{'Engineering
J. Po'wers, Meehanica{ 'Engineering
Len Vall :!Jerk!-' Chemica ['Ellgineen'l1!l
Funding for this award comes from your student contributions and depends on it for continuation.
An organization devoted to the advancement of engineering education.
Grok
William Alcott
1 B Mechanical
Q
Ok the caveman awoke. He was
:ungry. He shook his head to clear
the cobwebs, yet they stubbornly
refused. to dissipate. It was as if a great
weight was resting on his brain, impairing
his ability to think. Soon it occurred to him
that there was not only a great weight rest-
ing on his mind, there seemed to be a great
weight resting on his entire being. Come to
think of it, there seemed to be a dead mam-
moth resting on his lower body.
Grok screamed at the top of his
He didn't know why, but it seemed like
the proper thing to do at the time. Not that
he really knew the proper thing to do
when a bloody great woolly mammoth is
pinning you to the ground, but in times
like this the brain goes back to its default
setting5. And thus Grok reverted to his pri-
mal instincts and did the first thing that
popped into his mind. He screamed.
He screamed again And again. By this
time, the futility of his actions was appar-
ent, and abruptly he stopped screaming.
Somehow the screaming had helped, for
now he was able to think dearly, or at least
so he thought. The next concept to make its
tortuous way into his mind was to run
away, but his brain quickly nixed that idea,
as there appeared to be several thousand
pounds of mammoth severely impairing
his running ability.
His second thought was that he was
hungry. Oh what he wouldn't give for a
juicy mammoth steak. He licked his dry
lips. Yes, a mammoth steak would go
down real nice right about now, done
medium rare, with some big fat grubs on
the side.
He looked up at the mammoth hungri-
ly. His eyes swept from side to side, sizing
the creature up. It would probably make
some real thick steaks, he thought, if he
could only ...
His third thought, and his most
observant to date, was that there
was a mammoth on top of
him, and his chances of
making a meal of it were
riding the razor thin
edge between nil and
none at all.
His fourth thought was that
it was quite cold. He duly
noted it was pitch black out. It
occurred to him that he hadn't the
slightest idea of how he had ended up
here, wherever here was, or for that matter
how the mammoth found its way on top
of him He lay in the dark, pondering these
and other questions.
Day was coming. In the east the sky was
already touched with the dawn. As Grok
lay sprawled on the ground, he watched
the sun rise. It appeared first, tentative and
reluctant, peeking from behind a distant
mountain. Slowly it rose, its warm rays
taking the edge off the chill that permeated
Flower-Despising Wilbur
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Grok's body. Yet within minutes it was
lest in the overcast sky, piercing the douds
only with rare, ethereal shafts, like the very
fingers of the gods.
Many hours later, the sun set. Grok lay
still, shivering as the cold night air chased.
away the last blood red traces of the day.
The passage of the day made Grok aware
of his own mortality, giving him pause to
reflect on his own life.
Grok was a true Renaissance man. He
was a hunter and a collector, and he could
smear vegetable pigments on the cave
walls with the best of them. His col-
lection of interesting rocks
ere the talk of the cave, and
his mate, Urq, was just
about the best looking
. g he'd ever clubbed
over the head and
agged home to meet the
olks.
Grok wondered what Urq was
doing now. Grok wondered what
everyone else was doing now, and why
it was so bloody important that the
couldn't come and pull this blasted mam-
moth off of him They had probably for-
saken him for dead, he concluded. He
could almest see them now, grunting qui-
etly among themselves, comforting Urq,
dividing up his collection of interesting
rocks ... dividing up his collection of inter-
esting rocks! That was too much to bear.
Grok seethed with rage. He imagined the
others, squabbling over who would get the
big pointy one, or the one that in the right
light resembled future Vice-President
Spiro Agnew. To think, his most prized
possessions, divided up like so many
baubles. It wasn't fair. ''Why, if I wasn't
pinned underneath a dead mammoth
I'd ... I'd ... " Grok's train of thought trailed
off.
On the second day it rained.
On the third day Grok awoke in an ice-
cold pool of rainwater just as the sun rose.
The sky was clear, and the sun soon dried
up the water and warmed Grok's body.
He had just become aware of the mam-
moth's new-found stench when God
showed up.
Grok was unsure if it was the God, or
just any god, for he was quite delirious
with pain. and anyone who picked up the
dead mammoth and tossed it aside was in
possession of at least a modicum of god-
like qualities. All doubts aside, Grok
thanked the God, and politely invited him
over for lunch sometime soon, to which
God replied that he was busy right
through to the middle of next week, but he
would call if anything opened up. Then
the heavens themselves opened up, and
God was gone.
Grok stood up, like lazarus risen three
days dead. Then he fell over. He stood up
again, fell over twice more, then crawled
around a bit, stumbled haphazardly for a
while, staggered drunkenly and fell over.
He oied tears of joy. He cried tears of
pain, for both his legs were shattered. He
was trampled to deatl1 by a stampeding
herd of mammoths.
by Terry "Arg! He's Drawing Too!"Woo - 3A Systems
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY CANADA! WE LOVE YOU!
Ron Butler
3A Systems
au
CANADA! Our home and natire
and! True patriot LOVE! Yes
LOVE! Patriot LOVE Love for our
peers. Love for our profession And
dally love for our countIy.
And I know that many of you have been
asking me, ''Ron, how can I show my pro-
found and prolific love for my schooL and
for my country." Well, my answer is
always the same. Join up with the teeming
MILliONS of Waterloo Engineers who
are volunteering their time and enthusi-
asm to unite with the community to make
every CANADA DAY better than the last.
At this time, the troubled souls who
approach me usually ask, "But what can I
do if I volunteer? Won't it hurt?" Let me
set the record straight for everyone else out
there who wanted to ask me this question
but was too afraid to ask. Volunteering
doesn't hurt And if you do volunteer, you
can expect to do fun things like play "1he
. Pirate Game" or ''The Dizzy Race" with all
the children in the K-W area (well, all the
ones who come anyway). Because it has
been a long-standing tradition for Water-
loo Engineers to organize the CANADA
DAY MINI-OLYMPICS.
After all, what oould be more rewarding
than to spend your Canada Day making
little children happy? What oould be more
fun than watching teams of kids emptying
containers of water with a teaspoon (The
Water Cany game)? What could be more
fun than supervising little tots blowing
toothpicks acroos cookie sheets filled with
water (The Toothpick Race game)? What
could be better than demonstrating how to
pass a ping-pong ball using only your
The Ascent Of Man
The following films will be showing in the Engineering
lecture Hall Tuesdays from 11:30 to 12:30.
Lower Than The Angels
The Harvest Of The Seasons
The Gzain Of Stone
Hidden Structure

The Starry Messenger
The Oockwork
Drive For Power
Ladder Of Creation
World Within World
Knowledge Or Certainty
Generation Upon Generation
The Long OUldhood

25 May
1 June
8 June
15 June
22 June
29 June
6 July
13 July
20 July
27July
TBA
TBA
Sponsored by CSIV, the Arts Students Society, SciSoc, and EngSoc.
'""
elbows (The Ping-Pong Pass), or how to
run while holding a clothes pin between
your knees (The Oothes Pin Drop game)?
This is the stuff childhoods are made of,
and you can relive it all on CANADA
DAY.
''What if kids really aren't my thing? Is
there anything I can do?" The answer is ...
of course! You can be in the parade! After
all, hasn't everyone always wanted to be in
a parade? The parade starts at Wi1&id Lau-
rier University at 3 PM and finishes at
Columbia Lake, the centre of the CANA-
DA DAY festivities. No experience neces-
sary!!
By this time, I often get asked the ques-
tion ''Well, what do I get out of this?" I
usually shake my head sadly and say
"You mean, what else besides the emo-
tional satisfaction of helping your commu-
nity? What else besides the cherished.
memories of putting smiles on the faces of
children?" Well, in fact, there are some
rewards to be reaped for your invaluable
service. Every volunteer gets a free T -.shirt,
and at the end of the day we tluow a huge
party with free stuff to eat and drink.
Needless to say, Pws points will be award-
ed to the classes that send out volunteers.
Hopefully by now the only question on
everybody's mind is, "How do I sign up?"
Well, it's easy. All your class reps have lists
that you can sign, and you can often find
Nic and Angeline (CANADA DAY reps)
diligently staffing a desk in the CPH foyer.
Also, you can drop into the Orifice and
leave your name with ChexyL or you can
put it in the CANADA DAY Box.
But don't delay! We need to know how
many people we can count on to be there,
and we need to know soon
The Day The Universe Changed
The following.fJ1ms will be showing in the Engineering
Lecture Hall Thursdays from 11:30 to 12:30.
_c-.
--
It Started With The Greeks 20 May
Medieval Conflict Faith And Reason Z7May
Scientific Imagination In The Renaissan 31ull )
Printing Transforms Knowledge 10 June
Science Revises The Heavens 17Jw1c
Factory And Marketplace Revoluti n 24JW1
Social Impacts Of New Medical Knowledge 8 July
Darwin's Revolution 15 July
New Physics: Newton Revised 22 July
Change Knowledge, Sharing Reality '29 July
Sponsored by CSIV, the Arts Students Society, SciSoc, and EngSoc.
Flower-Despising Wilbur Continues ...
l-NS-IANT
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Vision, Communication, Action!
Phil Nyugen, ESSCO President
Nancy Faessen, ESSCO Rep
TI
t is the motto of the Engineering
Student Societies Council of
Ontario (ESSCO), established in
1987. ESSCO is the umbrella organiza-
tion for the thirteen member engineering
societies in Ontario: Carleton, Guelph,
Lakehead, Laurentian, McMaster,
Ottawa, Queen's, RMC, Ryerson, Toron-
to, Waterloo, Western, and Windsor. It
is the Ontario Chapter of the Canadian
Federation of Engineering Students
(CFES), to which all engineering univer-
sities in Canada are member.
The vision of ESSCO is for engineering
students in the province of Ontario to
unite and work together to achieve wor-
thy goals of conunon interest.
Through communication in publica-
tions suck as ESSCO's Engineering Spirit
Newsletter, Engineering Dimensions,
and Project Magazine, electronic mail
(CCES-L, ESSCO-L), its Provincial Secre-
tariat at the PEO headquarters in Toron-
to, and various engineering student
events (CCES, RFSSA, OESP, PEO VES,
ESSCO AGM, ESSCOlympics, OES,
etc.), students may share and exchange
information and ideas.
As a result of the above vision and
communication, action may be taken in
various areas such as issues relevant to
engineering students (education, women
in engineering, development of profes-
sionalism), promotion of engineering
profession to elementary and high
school students (summer engineering
camps, National Engineering Student
Week exhibits, high school programs),
contributions to society (charity events),
Environmental Engineering
Event to Honour UW Prof
UW News Bureau
M
intemational conference on
"stochastic and statistics meth-
in hydrology and environ-
mental engineering" will be held in
honour of the late Prof. T. E. Unny at
the University of Waterloo June 21-23.
The event will feature the latest
research in a field of mathematics con-
sidered key to understanding the cur-
rent global environmental crisis.
Developing flexible mathematical
models leads to a better awareness of
environmental problems and effective
remedial action, experts say.
Unny, a veteran UW systems design
engineering professor who died in
December 1991, was an expert in sto-
chastic problems in hydrology (water
in all its forms; vapour, clouds, rain,
snow, rivers, groundwater) and
hydraulics (flow of water on and
below surface, as well as the use of
water to nm machinery and generate
electricity).
EY
July 10th.
$60.00 / team.
3 games guaranteed.
Food tickets Included.
Prizes will be awarded.
Limit of 12 Entries.
Entry forms available in the C.C. at the Turnkey Desk.
Entry deadline: Wednesday, July 6th.
For further info, call Michael Stachon at 888-9669.
and the forging of stronger links
between engineering students and pro-
fessional engineers (PEO UES Confer-
ence, Ontario Engineering Competition,
representatives in each other's commit-
tees).
The Vision, Communication, Action!
allows us to achieve our mandate:
''ESSCO's primary function is to repre-
sent all Ontario undergraduate engineer-
ing students. ESSCO also endeavours to
facilitate centralized communication and
information exchange between engineer-
ing societies, and to actively participate
in, and interact with. government, busi-
ness, academia, and professional and
student organizations. ESSCO continues
to promote the engineering profession as
an exciting and equitable one to elemen-
tary and high school students."
Through your student society fees
Waterloo is able to be a member of
ESSCO. ESSCO's only other source of
funds is from the "ENGINEERING
SPIRIT' t-shirts, which can be purchased
in the orifice. Our past involvement with
ESSCO is as a model Engineering Soci-
ety providing smaller schools than us
with information and ideas on how to
run a more successful engineering soci-
ety.
The Esse:o AGM will be held at the
University of Toronto, July 23-25, 1993. If
you are interested in becoming a dele-
gate applications are available in the ori-
fice. Application due date is June 30,
1993. For more information please con-
tact Nancy Faessen, ESSCO rep.
Don't Forget!
Midnight Magic Semi-Formal
July 9th
Tal-Eng
July 10th
WE (UN)WANT THEM!!!
Ron Butler
3ASystems
l1
ey're finally here .. the new on-line
UNWANT ADS. Don't confuse
them with the late WANT ADS;
these ADS have nothing to do with the
COOP process. But they could help you
find your perfect job.
The UNW ANT ADS are a database
containing student evaluations of past
work term experiences. Students can either
enter or view information in this database.
This service is provided by the Engineer-
ing Society and is funded by the Waterloo
Engineering Endowment Fund (WEEF).
For the months of July and August, the
Engineering Society is employing a pro-
grammer to put the finishing touches on
L
the AD3. Before that can happen we need
everyone to give the ADS a try. At the
moment there is very little information in
the database, so there will not be much to
look at. You are strongly encouraged to
make additions to the database. The pro-
grammer needs data to work with when
he starts in July!
The UNW ANT AD3 are only available
on WA1STAR To access the AD3log on
to WA1STAR and type VNWANTAD3'
at the I:Ja) prompt Everything after that
should be self explanatory. Give every-
thing a try and LET US KNOW WHAT
YOU WANT OiANGED!!
If you have any problems or comments,
leave a message for me in the Orifice, or e-
mail me at rabutlex@systems.
SATURDAY, JULY 10 AT THE
!!
P* * 5 FOR CLASS ACTS
- BANDS, DUETS, SOLOS
- SERIOUS/COMICAL ACTS
- ANYTHING ELSE YOU CAN COME UP WITH
SIC'N IJP IN
What The Hell - I'll Be Your
Clown!
lie TI)'
1 B Mechanical
G
eez. that Terry Woo guy sure does
lot of articles. Wow. I'm
impressed. But the fact that the
IW is not ex.1remely fwmy (save for good
old Bob, of course) still exists, despite
Terry's wild literary rampage. And
frankly, Terry, you need. a bit of work on
your "Top 10 Reasons" list. No offence
bud. Try cartooning.
Anyhow, instead of relying on the
Iron Warrior to entertain you every two
weeks (3A Systems people are only
human, after aiL. I think ... [yes, but lre dOll'f
- eti.]), I find it easier simply to amuse one's
self when all else fails. Of course there's
always going to see a movie, or hiring
someone to nm naked through your living
room, or lighting something semi-explo-
sive in an empty parking garage. Unfor-
tunately, this requires money, something
we have very little of to spare for such triv-
ialities. So what to do to amuse thyself
cheaply? Here's some suggestions;
10 Ways To Amuse Yourself
With Little or No Capital
Outlay
10. Find a large collection of inert veg-
etable matter, and make fun of it.
9. Try creating a wiener dog out of ground
beef, and find a suitable name for it.
(Burger dog? Hot cow? McLongSkin-
nyDog?)
8. Pretend you are Chainsaw Ralph, but
use a butter knife, and only on common
fungi. Oean, safe fun.
7. Find an arts student, and mt\ke fun of
them. (See #10.)
6. Reo-read the old Enginewsletter with the
article about the GI exam. and then try
3A Systems ... run
naked through your
living room ...
to picture what happens when air is
blown into your butt.
5. Have a staring contest with 153 mL of
semi-congealed fruit-flavoured yogurt,
until it starts winning.
4. lick toads. If you cannot find a toad, try
a4AFrog.
3. Pretend that you're in 3A Systems and
SUBlvtIT DAMMIT!!
2 Make up really bizarre sayings, and
keep saying them to yourself over and
over until you find them hilariously
funny. A good example is, '1 the shoe
fits, eat it."
1. Stick old cereal boxes, cookie boxes, and
other random food containers to your
ceiling, just in front of a prominent win-
dow. (People's reactions to such are
quite amusing. Trust me.)
The Hard, Cold Realities of Engineering
Terry "parglashrdlu?" Woo
3A Systems
5:
1 was having this very interesting
nversation with this fellow, see? A
nice fellow. Anyway, we were dis-
cussing how little the current engineering
auriculum prepared you for real life. He
mentioned that the skills needed to ade-
quately function as a proouctive member
of western society don't exist within the
CllITeIlt auriculum.
Well, I can't argue with that I mean,
there's absolutely no way I'll be doing any
math, science or computer stuff in real life -
at least, that's my goal There are a dozen
other skills and talents we all should. learn
to more adequately prepare us for real life
as most practising engineers know it.
Godammit; the university owes us that
much.
Bachelor of Applied Science: Suggested
Addendums
Get rid of Physics and replace itwith. ..
GEN E 186 F 3C, H, 3L 0.5
Replication Technology
An introduction to the latest advances in
replbition scieooes and technology. How
to open the door, how to close it; good ton-
ers, bad paper, not long hair stuck in
those roller things. Windex; chemical prop-
erties and recreational uses. Queueing
theory, "Flying Pig" crowd control tactics.
"The recreational uses of blank paper. Note
that this is a pre-requisite for most coop
jobs at IBM.
Get rid of Computers, and replace it
with ..
GENE197S3C, HO.S
Engineering Economics U
A TM's: uses, functions and operations.
Principles for budgeting for a term without
saaificing beer money. Grocery optimiza-
tion, haggling technologies, getting the
most out of OSAP. Tools for fishing in pub-
lic fountains, phone booths, coat pockets,
etc. "Cheap Drunk" theory. Interpersonal
communications: "Hey, loan me two bucks
for a bite?". Conservation of cash and
applications.
Trash Differential Equations (who'll ever
integrate a curve on the job, anyway?) and
replace it with. ..
GEN E 222 W 3C, H, 3L 0.5
Human Function in the Environment
Biotechnology: preservation and prepara-
tion of foods that will not kill you. Sanitation
engineering, analysis of bathtub mildew.
Design of minimal-maintenance systems
Lose S1atistics and replace it with...
GEN E 249 F 3C, H, 1 D 0.5
Chemical Reaction Engineering: The0-
ry and Practice
dlemicaJ systems: home-
brewing. Fluid mechanics and principles.
Head, friction, opening and dosing chan-
nels. Nautical engineering. Detrimental
effects of certain chemicals on the human
body: Ex, "mixing", Loeb cola, etc.
Research topics in aspirin: uses for various
improperly functioning systems. A brief
introduction to aphrodisiacs.
Toss Circuits and sub in ..
GEN E 354 S 3C 0.5
Engineering Realities I: Academe
Techniques in overcoming academic hur-
dles without really having to work. Cram-
ming, doctoring midterms, flattering your
prof and your T A's. Developing simulations
of accurate labs with only a fifth of accurate
content. Skeet shooting. Probabilistic and
statistical analysis of passing certain cours-
es without sacrificing time.
Wake up drugs.
for washrooms, kitchens, res rooms, etc.
Nutrition and the engineer: ''Will that be 3B
fries with that, sir?" Survival on less than
half a sub a day. Room-mate aversion the-
ory: how to socially navigate four months
without committing murder.
GEN E 355 W 3C 0.5
Effective Communications
How not to speak like an engineer. Main-
taining interest, switching topics, processing
useless information and dumping it immedi-
ately afterwards. Use of insults and irrele-
vant facts to hide the fact that you are losing
an argument Rnger jabbing, arm waving
and strategic spitting when doing group
work. Writing sugary, fawning reports with
little or no technical value. Techniques for
avoiding CONF.
GEN E 498 F 3C, H, 1 L 0.5
Engineering Fashion
Analysis of the engineering wardrobe.
Polyester, cotton, sackcloth and ashes.
The tie: properties, principles, logic in
choosing the right one. Plotting optimum T-
Shirt rotations, colour incoordination,
sett.ing booby traps for your room-mates
when they "borrow" things. Flood pants
and you. The term will be supplemented
with labs invoMng getting stains off of vari-
ous strategic pieces of interview clothing.
GEN E 499 F 3C, H 0.5
Engineering Realities II: "The Real
Wor1d"
A brief introduction to engineering in the
working world. Decision making for various
applications: office politics, "sucking up" to
your boss, when is the right time to goof
off? Schizophrenia on the job: how to use
it to your advantage. Techniques in avoid-
ing taking the last rup of coffee and having
to refill it. Boss mood analysis, back-stab-
bing technologies, stealing office supplies.
The finer points of begging. Unemploy-
ment Insurance and you.
Yes! You too can enjoy
ENVRO-TIPS
an exciting life
of ..
.0
1
S'\,O
1.
10
1\
c:!. "" \j H<m: II!
P DiskeUe: (Mac or PC 3.5"). Deliver
to the rw box in the Orifice or hand to
one of our friendly staff at the IW office
(across from POETS). We can read most types of files,
but we prefer non-formatted ASCII text.
E-mail: Mail submissions to
iwarrior@1302.watstar.uwaterloo.ca. Mailed submis-
sions must be in ASCII text only.
Photos, Illustrations, etc.: Place in the IW box in the
Orifice or give it to one of our friendly staff at the IW
office.
Submissions are due on the Friday prior to the IW release date.
Dave Knight
Frog
TI
issue we'll deal with automo-
biles. The average car produces
about 2 tons in carbon every year
and bums about 3 tons of gasoline in it's
lifetime. All this contributes to the green
house effect and deletion of the ozone
layer. Approximately 75% of ozone form-
ing pollutants come from exhaust
Try to go to school/work a few times
this summer without taking the car. The
Try to go to
school/work a few
times this summer ...
bicycle is a great alternative and you get
some exercise as well. Also when you
don't have to go very far (ie a few blocks)
try walking it, or park farther away than
necessary and walk the rest of the way.
Next time you get an oil change make
sure you choa;e a service station that recy-
cles the oil Also if you change it yourself
then save the used oil and take it to the
recycling depot on Christine Street and
recycle it yourself. When you are adding
oil to you car try using recycled motor oil
or request recycled oil if you get it changed
at a service station.
If you are going to buy a car try to
choa;e a smaller fuel efficient car. Also if
there are a few cars in you family, try to
vehicles according to distance dri-
ven and fuel consumption. If you are
going further, drive the more fuel efficient
car.
Check your tire pressure at least twice a
month, especially in changing weather.
(ever ride a bike with a flat, imagine under
inflated car tires).
Have your tires properly balanced and
aligned. This will cut down on fuel con-
sumption and be better for your car and
tires. Having your tires misaligned by 1/2
a degree, will be the equivalent of drag-
ging you tires sideways 8.7 miles for every
1<XXJ miles you drive.
Add two minutes to your trip by slow-
ing down This will decrease the amount
of carbon monoxide and hydrocarbons
you proouce as well as save fueL If you
drive at 70 miles an hour for 1 hour, it will
only take an hour an 10 minutes at 60
miles per hour. Fuel consumption will
increase by 20% by driving at 70 miles per
hour instead of 55 miles per hour.
Start the car when everyone is ready to
go. Don't start the car and wait for some--
one.
Try to reduce the use of the car air condi-
tioner in the car. Use it for a while, turn it
off and then when it starts warming up
then tum it on again.
Enviroman
Banana Error Extensionism in
Fuschia
Notrehten Werdna
18 Acid Hit
Y
abba, bnbba do," wiggle from cool-
. er sunscreen, frito paper snuff.
Corn horn gumbo at thorny
chesterfield, ad nauseum record change
sunny chlorophyll &isbee, (glue to slippers
mucus). Additive motor open bananas
but beans pencil whiskers design month
aluminum compact street water blanket
fireworks bridge tires sleep, laundry con-
dom fluid? Doctor robe hazard aceta-
minophen, all puppy pads.
Excretions flatulation beef nose howl
cream strudel sequential goblin postcard
of winterize smell retch. Staple knife disk
volume appended totalitarianism, fishy
paste flag fog fridge flip-flop. Toilet tele-
phone magnet hair, (wheelchair apple
hereto glasses pizza), wooden pogo
whence turnip, litter apartheid. Razor
burger, binder pulp bicycle, highlighted
their ringworm turgid dyspnea, floss cit-
rus alligator frumpy battery motion beer.
"Protractor cereal running spray nega-
tive, direction monstrosity," poem
humourous lacerate muffin. "Book wheel
hearth weeds syrup from drive garnishes.
Quarter logaritlun acetate COWlterbalance
digital freedom squirrel growth." Phono-
graph vinyl quaff listen wreck bubble
snorkel graph numeral alphabet. Cocktail
I Didn't Expect tI,e Spanish Inquistion
by the Man with Two Chrome Sticks Ui/4)
hrn;;:::;;;;:;:;; chicken donkey buns? Grunge Teny Woo
As the tenn draws to a close, we
sltould all get ready to welcome those
frosh to campus in September!
(0 ' OP THE.
HE:R{)IC, AWE'; - (NS t'lRl NG
hat ratios? Tilley, electrostatic cheese sedi-
mentary.
Ribbon hugs libido rummage potato,
exorcist comet superficial at urine printers.
Halogen drapes floral hologram
corkscrew trees, elevation police invented,
hound concrete thermoplastic
Cow stubble, alcohol keys bankers
argyle stock gums in irradiated. Cohesion,
style jelly detergent conditioner. Button,
buttock, bunion. Willow, pole hardened
sledgehammer Engineer!
The IRON
WARRIOR has
been brought to
you this week by
the letters B, L, T,
'V, and the
number 42.
,
It<JUMt-' t\. -THE. -
o V DS; 5, TOR '( 0 F- 1\ t\\
ORO \tv " R Y P Vc...t. ...
. -. WHO o\lE.t<cAME-
\CE. \6f\D'AANCE:.,
AND {\ CRIFPLlNG
A Politcal History of Artificial
Cheese
William Alcott
18 Mechanical
H
m time immemoriaL mankind has
sought a spreadable cheese product
of a such a consistency as to melt
evenly, yet flow at room tenlperature. Per-
ha?> it was Pliny the Elder who first put it
into words, when, in 79 AD, he remarked
"what I wouldn't give for an evenly-melt-
ing spreadable cheese product- whoa-
watch out for that volcano!"
Throughout the dark ages, alchemists of
all sorts sought the elusive philosopher's
cheese, with little success. Many of the
greatest minds of the Renaissance pon-
dered the scientific principles involved,
and it is thought that Bernoulli had artifi-
cial cheese in mind when he put forth his
now famous equation for fluid flow.
Yet it was not until the advent of the
twentieth century that tecimology made
the dream of artificial cheese a reality. In
1913, American researchers working at
DuPont discovered one of the key ele-
ments used in artificial cheese production-
a naturally occurring orange dye, secreted
from membranes of infertile lamelli-
brancllS.
The treaty of Versailles in 1914 placed a
moratorium on German development of
artificial cheese of all kinds, while the
Washington Naval Treaty established
strict limits on the development of cheese
products worldwide. Such was the mood
of post-war Europe.
With the raise to power of the National
Socialists in German in the thirties, Hitler
bro a d t rmin ' 0 i hi
nation back to the forefront of artiiidal
cheese. Located. in secret facilities in the
Urals (until 1941) and then th forests of
Peenemunde, the Germans were carrying
out the most advanced artificial cheese
work to date. Hitler dreamed of a victori-
ous Wehrmacht, fed. on artificial cheese,
sweeping across the steppes of Russia to
claim the rightful place as the rightful roa&-
ters of the artificial cheese world. His gen-
. of
AT THE.
erals proposed a vengeance cheese, and
the so called Amerika cheese, yet daring
Allied daytime bombing raids during the
fall of 1944 brought artificial clleese work
to a virtual halt, as research. and material
was devoted. to more pressing needs, such
as inflatable women and the type XXIII
Untersee Boot.
After the defeat of the axis, and the
defection of the key German artificial
cheese scientists to the States, it seemed the
dream of artificial cheese was closer to
reality than ever. Yet defeat was snatched
from the jaws of victory as Joseph Stalin
displayed Soviet artificial cheese at the
1949 May day parade.
North America became dejected. The
heady days of VE and VJ day were gone-
the cold war was here to stay. And then.
two years after the Soviets displayed
theil's, DuPont cllemists announced the
arrival of the west's first artificial cheese
product, tentatively named Agent Orange.
And so it was that it December of 1951
the American public caught its first taste of
the sensation that was to be artificial
cheese. It was promoted as a veritable
wonder product, a solution to all the ques-
tions posed by modem existence. At the
same time, American troops on the south
shore of the Yalu River celebrated Ouist-
mas in Korea with turkey, cranbeny sauce,
and artificial cheese.
And so it was that the common house-
hold product so many of us enjoy today
came to be. Not through the efforts of any
one man, nor through militarily financed
research and development. Rather, artifi-
i I es the culmin tion of a
sequence of events with paralleled the
development of our modem world as we
know it. But who knows whnt w ndcr
product may gra the slwlv of the stores
of lomorrow: Sprl.:adable bal.: n? Tinned
C 'lacanlh? Qlippc llk'ef?
Ul\tilth 1\- ket.>p watching the kies.
V Nt\l E. Rs ny of
HIS wE:,Rf:.. NO\lE:.L.
tsoL p. p..PS
AND "TtNE:.) ONE.
1"U N G BE cPt M t c. \.-tA f2 ..
.,...",.,,,-----
M \ .
.. , He WAS: A \J AIT
l t{ProVE: ME NT C\,J t {<.
(NAe IL ny TO
Tl-ff:-
SUJ0/
IN I\N'J. L IIcNGUAGE:. I To
e,tCor-tE; . ,
The Namby-Pamby, Wishy-Washy Flaky Insubstantial Corner
Terry "Only two this week? Whafs wrong?" Woo
3ASystems
Hmmm.
This is interesting.
):
ou know, I was warned that news-
paper writers received flak for their
articles. No surprise there. Writers
are in a publicly accessible pooition; I guess
you have to expect shots of some sort to
appear from somewhere.
But what I find puzzling is what a per-
"Hey, I'm being
honest and brave"
son can 00 about it
It's not as simple as a telephone call
where you pick up a receiver and there's a
flow of continuous invective and, well,
you can just hang up.
With letters containing personal attacks,
it's a little different You have people who
write and say "you write garbage, I don't
like that, you're stupid, etc., etc." People
perhaps being honest, but in a non-politi-
cally correct way.
Well, I'm sort of wondering what you
can SAY to these whimsical individuals, to
get a response across without compromis-
ingclass.
I guess there's always the option of just
dropping it That does work, in the sense
that it'll pass. It always does.
Then again, you could always respond
to it
I think there's an important difference
between being NON-POLITICALLY
CORRECT and being DOGMATIC. If a
reader's letter is honest and non-politically
correct, but filled with ranting, raving, sar-
casm and straight invective, well, that's
dogmatic, and it's unpleasant It's unrea-
sonable and fruitless. It doesn't really mat-
t's Not Too Late to su
ron Warrior ...
ter if you use impressive vocabulary or
facts or quotes; it amounts to dogma, plain
and simple.
You can certainly be honest without
dogma; in fact, it's probably more con-
ducive to understanding, which is (hope-
I love ... hacking in the
DASL lab
fully) your goal in mind. The problem is, I
think some people confuse non-political-
correctness with integrity: "Hey, I'm being
honest and brave", and thus misguidedly
hurls a ton of insults as a badge of honour.
That's also wrong.
I seriously wonder where this attitude
comes from. Non-political-correctness in
the form of venomous attacks, I mean.
Bad past experiences? A need to prove
something? A personal grudge? Just plain
mean-spiritedness? I'm not sure; all I
know is that it's nasty, it's hateful, and
rarely educational It's sad. It hurts peer
pIe. We shouldn't be a party to that
Let's just say that there are a lot of people
who love writing on the IW. I like it I love
writing, in general. I feel compelled to do
it sometimes. When I'm frustrated, I write
a certainly had a lot to be frustrated about
after spending a long, hellish week hack-
ing in the DASL lab). And, when I feel that
people might be interested in what I have
to say, I'll hand it to the IW for publication.
It's as easy as that
If you don't like it, well, write a reason-
able letter to the editor. Or talk to the
author about it But do just that; TALK Be
constructive, not dogmatic. Maybe we'll
learn something from the conversation,
and become better writers from the input
I think that's a good situation. Speaking
personally, I rarely learn anything from
insults, or having to jam a fist into some-
one's face.
The deadline for
submissions is July 5th. All
judging will be done by our highly trained staff
You've seen all your friends doing it. Everybody you know has submit-
ted a short story. But wait: not all hope is lost. You still have time. If
you start now, you could have a short story written by July 5th. I mean,
that's like two weeks away. It's not like you have anything better to do.
Besides, the prestige of winning is lure enough.
My Roommate Has Gills
WHAT AN INCREDIBL E
TRiH.J'SFORMATJoN! ONCt::,
OUR HE.RO Fun.. WAS A
STICK FRoM TilE
SMALL HAt-IlLE T of
fORPO/sE I
BUT I HAVING GAINfl>
TiIReE I>trvtENS/0NAl..lr'(,
FIEL MAS LEI=T THE
PI\GES of TilE IVY,
AN\) 1111'S G.ON TO ENIJIlN(.
THE ENGINEERING Vr.PT.
SUPRCol4l>ucrIVE YOLKS
IN SELECTIVE /RP,N";,PORT
E.l.eMENTAL.lY MObE.LLfP
.s'RVCTURES
THAT I S WHAT FIEL.
FOR
, .
by Bob Hum - IB Mechanical
BY POLLOWU.JE? /liS CALLING., HE Lf=ARNED Dr-
MANY Vl/ilcil WOULD HELP HIM HEL.P
HUMANITY
. I/u..--- I 1 Vf:;' JJ ___ __ ___ ___ ______ . ______
Kevin "Man 0' leisure" Wright
26 Systems
walls must have been sheer nerve. Leather
clad men and women lounged at the
tables and at the bar enjoying their first or
E
response to the Terry Woo challenge second beer of the mOming. A leaning sign
here is my completion of your opening out i n the front proudly proclaimed the
tence: bar to be Satan's little Helpers. I clutched
"I woke up one morning in a cheap the bag tightly to my chest and glanced
motel room in Des Moines with half a taco over my shoulder.
hanging out of my mouth. My left arm "KeepthecarrunningJames."
had been sawed off and been replaced by I moseyed surreptitiously across the
an orange pez dispenser." floor to the bar. I might note at this point
I hate it when that happens. I looked that there are very few who could get
around the small room in confusion.... away with in a barcalled Satan's
where was James Earl Jones? It was his little Helpers and I could count the num-
damned idea to get the pez dispensers in ber of people who could do it surrepti-
the first place. I dropped the half eaten taco tiouslyon the thumbs of one hand. I don't
back into its wax wrapper for later and know exactly why I chose to mosey at this
popped an orange pez. The fuzzy taste moment, perhaps Iowa was having more
that could only come from a night of effect on me than I realized but mosey I
drinking or housing a large rodent in your did ..... but I digress.
mouth persisted even after the orange I pulled up the only stool that
explO5ion of taste. I decided the taco could seemed like it could hold my
not wait until later and dug it out weight and reached into my
The night slowly drifted back into con- pack. DNvIN! I tluust my
scious memory as I chomped into the taco. bleeding finger into my
It had seemed so reasonable at the time.... mouth and dumped
what use was my left hand compared to the gerbil out of my pack
the raw functionality of a permanent pez onto the floor. He flashed me
dispenser. I flexed a muscle in my forearm a snide little gerbil grin and
experimentally and another orange pez scampered out the door. With
shot out into my mouth ...... hmm that a little more caution I reached once
fuzzy taste was even stronger ... .! reached more into my pack and pulled out its con-
cautiously into my moutl1 and fished out a tents ..... A pair of shiny gold elevator shoes.
medium sized gerbil ... much better. As casually as I could manage I slipped on
I hopped out of bed into a large pool of the golden shoes and leaned over to the
vomit that covered almost the entire floor, jukebox. I scanned the list quickly and
this was the absolute last time I would go found my objective .... B14. With a leap and
out drinking with James Earl Jones, you a bound I was on top of the bar as the juke-
can't take him anywhere. I waded over to box blared to life ...... .
the bathroom to wash some of the more "TEQUllA"
revolting bodily fluids off myself. My feet were a golden blur as I danced
I was in the shower working on the third along the bar. Startled patrons fell back on
bodily fluid when a dark shadow rose up either side as I progressed along the-bar-
on tl1e other side of the curtain. _ top. Completely oblivious to my lower
"Come over to the dark side LUke" a body my arms gyrated to a beat.... not the
deep voice bellowed "It is your destiny!" song's beat necessarily but a beat none the
My heart shocked into sudden less.
silence ......... oh there it goes. I tore open tl1e "TEQUllA!"
shower curtain to reveal a laughing James If it was possible my legs sped up as I
Earl Jones. went, gyrating arms threatened to put out
"Dammit Jan1es I told you not to do that! the eyes of innocent patrons.
You know how much I hate tl1at" James Earl Jones sat calmly in the car
"Sorry LeisureMan" he bellowed to me with the engine softly idling "Come over
as he flexed his arm to pop a cherry pez. "I to the dark side Luke" he mumbled with a
found a biker bar just down the grin "!hat still kills me." he looked up as a
road ... "" Always a good way to start the loud crash came from inside the bar.
day I suppose. Do you have my bag?" I tore out of the bar as fast as my golden
James tossed me a bulging backpack and clad feet could carry me. Hot on my heels
we were ready to go. was the entire biking community of Des
TI1e bar in question was little more than Moines Iowa. Up al1ead James Earl Jones
just that. TI1e only thing holding up the began to slowly roll the car forward as he
Flower-Planting Bob
threw open the passenger door. I dove
through the open doorv ... ay a step ahead of
a knife wielding angel and James dropped
the hammer as we squealed out of tl1e
parking lot'1 still don' t know why y u do
that" James rumbled
"Hey," I replied "you saw Pee Wee's Big
Adventure same as me, I just have to find
the right bar. Who will be laughing when I
have a bar full of jovial biker friends to
help me on my adventures?"
"I stand corrected." James conceded
'That was a brilliant tactical move."
I looked down to find my left arm
empty.
''You got any pez left man? I'm hun-
gry."
"No Leisure. Just had my last one."
James boomed "fry one of these." James
passed me a plastic bag full of big
mushrooms and I pulled one
.nut to munch on before pass-
ing it back to James.
"When did you get
time to grocery shop
''Well ... no" I conceded 'They ... I ..... I
think I have a headache."
''So because you have a headacl1e you
expected to be able to communicate with
gerbils?,' TIle platypus slowly backed into
the far comer of our teacup. "I11at sounds
reasonable." Yup, I definitely had a
headache now.
''I'm sorry," the platypus suddenly said
"I suppose I haven't introduced myself
properly. My name is Lazlo B.
Wordswortl1." He genially stuck out his
webbed paw in greeting. Somel10w this
seemed to clear everything up for me. I
reached out and shook his paw vigorous-
ly.
''Kevin Wright." I replied "LeisureMan
for short 111at is the gerbil tl1at bit me." I
added with a whisper, "I know it" Lazlo
see med to consider tll5 for several long
moments all the while nodding knOwingly
to himself. "But you're in on it too!" I sud-
denly realized, ''You and all your green
platypus friends. All of you! And the bad-
ger driving our teacup! All of you. ... out to
BITE ME!!" I had to get away! It was the
"Mrrph" James replied only way I could save myself now. The
. witl1 115 mouth still full of badger looked over at me feigning badger-
mushroom '1 just found these ly concern. He couldn't fool me .... nobody
out back the motel" . could fool me now! I was wise to tl1em all
I looked down at the half eaten bag Grabbing the handle I opened the teacup
and nodded slowly "Probably not the door and dove to safety. Everything
brightest thing you've ever done James" I went... .. dark
noted analytically. ''Kevin ...... Wake up Kevin. You were
"What could possibly happen Leisure- having a bad dream" I awoke to find sev-
Man?" eral concerned faces peering down at me .
"Well for starters you seem to have I was lying at the foot of the steps to
turned into a badger, and when did we POETS with an empty beer bottle in my
trade in our car for this floating teacup?" hand.
"Good question Leisure. Maybe we "No!" I protested '1t wasn't a dream! I
should ask our passengers." was in Des Moines ... .And you were there
I looked into the back of the teacup to James Earl Jones, and you Mr. Gerbil, and
find a-rather lar erbil si . . a w r u ! Y u were all el
green platypus. And my left arm was replaced with an
"Hey!" I protested "you're that little bas- orange pez dispenser!"
tard tl1at bit me." The gerbil just stared at James looked down at 11'1 ' cmd L'lughed.
me grinning his gerbil grin. "Don't be silly LcisureMan. Who in th it
''Don't just stand there grinning U1at gcr- right mind would g t anything but a cl\er-
bil grin!" Said I "What have you got to say ry pez dispenser."
for yourself?" The platypus tapped me "And besides," Lazl added "What on
lightly on the shoulder and leaned over to earth would a gr 'en platypus such a
whisper in my ear. myself be doing in Iowa" W all laughed
"Did you know you are talking to a ger- at th.,t. I suppose it wac; all a dream after
bil?" he asked. I turned to tl1e platypus all ..... Behind my back James Earl Jones and
and nodded dumbly. ''Well ... '' he cono.n- Lazlo B. Wordsworth exchanged a COll-
ued ''Were you spirital wink.
expecting a response?" I looked back
and forth between the grinning gerbil and
the platypus in confusion "What I mean to
ask is ... " the platypus continued ''Do ger-
bils often talk to you?"
THE END?
by Andrew Netherton - IB Mechanical
\ If'
.
.. , .\
, "
j.;
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