October 15, 1993 ~

Waterloo, Ontario ~
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Wicked-Awesome
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Guest Editorial By

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Imprint Editor

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Ken Bryson!
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Photo by Scott Chandler
The planting of the Jeff Lyut memorial maple tree in the CPH courtyard outside POETS
A Thing of Stuff!!!
(or, If I let Dave go, do you
think he could find his fly?)
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEATHEAD! NICE PARKING JOB!
I am a hard workin&, clean, well kept,
trained, ed ucated, socIable, personabfe
.... etc graduating engineer. Want to give
me a job?
Please note: if it's illegal, immoral or
humiliating please let me know in
confidence (people might talk - you know
PR and all tfiat stufO.
Well happy Mid-October depression
everybodyf Don't fret, if those exams are
getting you down, take five minutes, kick
oack and let me spew all over you!
Sounds enlighterung, ,huh!?
THE EXEC QUITSI
That's right, we've had enough; we're
out of here1 Ok, maybe 'quit' is a harsh
word, how about: our term is up come
December and we need qualified people
to fill our shoes. Truth be known, I am
going to miss this job.
Rob McGeachy has been recently
appointed to Chief Returning Officer (the
Elections Big Kahuna). This year Rob has
great plans for a record turnout at the
polls. Also in store are five political races
that will rival the federal elections (Prez,
VP Finance, VP External, VP Internal,
WEEF Director).
If you are interested in any positions
you could: 1) read about the positions in
the n ~ Soc Policy Manual (see Betty of
the Orifice). 2) Talk to the present Exec.
3) Talk to Rob. 4) Ignore tne best chance
you ever had to enter the world of
student politics, probably realize what a
mistake you made in the near future,
become 10credibly de:(>ressed, put on
weight, start walking 10 the park alone
mumbling to yourself, cry a 10t, take a job
in the US1>ostal office ......... NEED I SAY
MORE PEOPLE - ITS NOT TOO LATE -
APPLY - RUN - GET ELECTED - DO IT -
I HATE TO SEE YOUR MISERABLE LIFE
GO DEEPER INTO THE SHIlTER!!!! Of
course, there's always the directorships
and class representatives; they're good
too!
I would like to take this opportunity to
talk about what I do as Presldent of our
great Society. (NB. any variation to the
resume version of this job description is
purely accidental. BesIdes, can you
refute with absolute certainty that the
President of the University, Jim Downey
doesn't report to me?)
As President, I am the liaison to the
Waterloo Administration. This involves
many different activities on many
different levels. It could mean getting
called across the Dean's Carpet. For
example, when evil Artsies do bad thing
and b1ame them on Engineers I have to
explain: "we couldn't nave done that,
we're too busy with schoolwork." This
also means attendance at University
Functions (ie. awards dinners, Board of
Governors diners, etc.) This is a great
opportunity to meet and greet the big
Cheese of both Eng-ineering and the
larger school ad rnmistration.
One of my most serious duties is to
serve as a student representative for the
examinations and promotions committee.
This committee accepts and reviews
petitions against academic decisions.
There are several additional
committees both Kim and I are asked to
serve upon. It is our duty to either serve
or find suitable student representation to
do so. Which brings me to my most
important function: getting people
involved!
If the exec tried to take on Eng Soc
business solo we would falter. There are
more directorships and projects requiring
good dedicated people than we could
ever hope to satisfy, ie its and endless
personhunt.
I am also the liaison to the self
sufficient TOOL committee. These large
people are also known as bearers.
Despite their aggressive temperment they
are the best bunCh of neanderthals a Prez
could dream of working for (I mean
with). Despite the popular non-existent,
non-opinion not stating otherwise, I am
not a liaison to any other non-existent
society. How could I be?
There are several projects I take on
personally. For example, funding for the
POETS renovations. Nick Foisy nas
taken over this project, but originally it
was Christine Voirler and myself who co-
proposed for the funding. Personal
Presidential Projects of Fresidents gone
by are: WEEF's creation, the policy
manual, the Pop fridge and the infamous
Eng Soc Logo dispute.
This description is only what has come
to mind as I'm spewing away, so please
come down to tfie orifice and READ THE
POLICY MANUAL FOR MORE
DETAllS.
ABLE MINDED PEOPLE NEEDED
Earn twice the President's salary as
leader of one of the following great Eng
Soc Projects:
Get the policy manual on-line. Colin of
computer seTVlces would like to see our
input to UWINFO. This is an on line
bulletin board. If you would like to
observe our absence from this board,
simply type 'uwinfo' from the dos
prompt: We'll call that a Gen E 126 lab
and gxve all lA's bonus marks if they can
do it.
The next project... well ... I can't describe
it in the paper. But, if you have three
hours available between now and the end
of October and you would like to help
out your fellow students, thereby
becoming an Eng Soc Folk Hero for
generation to come please see me. The
successful candidate shall possess
computer skills including the on button,
screen dimmer and a score above 10,000
on tetris.
PLEASE TALK TO ME
For the first two weeks of school, I live
in the orifice. For the remainder of the
term, I try to catch up with school, I'm
never up to speed. This means that I am
in the Orifice less and at scattered times
through the day. I can be contacted best
through EMAIL (SBCODRINOCIVIL). I
promIse to write back unless you want:
money, a binding opinion or your
question requires genuine thought.
HAPPY OCTOBERFEST
Something else to wake you from
depression; drunk people 10 leather
shorts - Zigga Zagga Zigga Zagga Hoi!
Hoi! Hoi!
INSTITUTIONAL BATCH
Well I've seen it all now: algae batch,
screamin batch, batch in a nose cone,
batch from a nose, batch in a truck, thirty
seven minute batch, green eggs and
batch, but a batch party in McGinnis!
What a crazy ideaf Wnat execution to
pull it off! What a great time we had!
Thanks to Liz, Poopy Pants, McGinnis,
Sparky, Kevin, Barry, the inventor of iced
tea and of course the LCBO.
Just to repeat two sentiments from my
1st spew:
KEEP THE ORIFICE CLEAN
ENGINEERING HOCKEY TOURNAMENTS
If you have any JR A, JR B and all star
experience and you are interested in
representing Waterloo at any of the Inter
University Engineering Hockey
Tournaments. I can be reached at 888-
4762 (Orifice) or email address:
sbcodrin@civil.
Was Ro i Hood a
Communist?
Marc Ouellette
Foreign Correspondent
E
veryone knows who Bob Rae is.
He's the Prerruer of Ontario, of
course. He's a nice guy, actuaUy,
with a lovely family. His wife, rrund you,
is not so lovely as she could be. See she's
taken feminism to the extreme and
decidedthateverydaytlringslike
brushing (and washing?) her hair are
simply attempts by the male dominated
hierarchy to control women. At least she
means well.
Where do we begin? How about Bob's
upbringing. he comes from a wealthy family
with very strong ties to the Liberal Party of
Canada (Aren't all NO!" ers just disgruntled
UberaIs?) In fact for many years his older
brother John was Jean Chretien's campaign
manager. Young Bob, being the idealist (ie.
dreamer) that he still is, saw the horrible
disparity between the upper class, with
whom his family associated, and the lower
dass, from whom they got their money. This
was especially obvious in postwar England
where Bob spent many of his formative
years, while his father was there on an
appointment from the government.
As we all know, jolly old England is home
to many things. One of them, sadly, is
socialism. Socialism is such a big thing there
that for years, the British Labour Party and
Communist Party enjoyed tremendous
support. The Soviets, for the duration of the
Cold War, were very generous supporters of
both. You see, to young intellectual
dreamers like Bob, socialism/ communism
makes a great deal of sense. Rather than
individuals scurrying to provide for
themselves, the state would provide for
"
them, thereby making their lives easier.
Ideally, and Bob's an idealist, everyone
would earn only what they need, ie. no
more rich and no more poor. So Bob
formulated all these ideas and set out to
renounce his family s practice of fleecing the
poor and longed to be one of them. Further,
he decided to take his ideas to Canada to
make it a better place.
I don't know about you, but Bob, at this
point reminds me of a character in Mordecai
RichleI's Jamua, Then and ow. Like Bob,
the character was a wealthy Canadian being
edu<ated in England. He, too, saw the
wrongs being comrrutted by <apitalists and
rushed out to become a communist, I mean
socialist. What a guy! He even renounced
his inheritance in an attempt to become
poor. later he says to Joshua, a working
class kid from Montreal who had to scrape,
scratch and steal to get anything, that he
wished he had grown up poor like Joshua
had. Of course Jamua was indignant at this
very pretentious remark. Like most of us, he
would have preferred to have had the
opportunities money would have provided,
and unlike young Bob Rae, I mean the rich
guy in the book, knew what it was like to
work (at all) and how good it feels to work
hard to get ahead, once you have.
But young Bob failed to see that lesson.
He wanted to make everyone's life easier by
taking the work out of it Later Bob got
himself elected to the legislature and
manied into a prominent NOP family (I
guess he didn't forget the importance of
using good connections to get ahead but
really is that "share the wealth" sodalism or
simply CAPITALIZING on the situation? I
digress). Eventually Bob be<ame PrenUer.
\tVhat a I.i.fe for II man woo, true to hi5 ideal,
never worked a da ' in it.
Bob decided that one way to better our
lives \,;as to pro\;de mon.' social housing.
Everyone after iIII. should have a place to
Ih -e. Who pays for it? 'The rich, and, main! ,
the middle class, be<ause they earn too
mum. we'll tale awn. y from them
through new taxes - on <ars, funerals, on
insurance, on everything - and give it to tht'
poor. But then, he realized that there were
people still making too much money so he
decided to introduce th "Sodal Contraet."
This would bring everyone's 'wages doser to
being the same. Forget that the money he
Vilas asking for Qlffie from charities like the
Red Cross and United Way who get no
money from the government. Forget too that
still more money Gln1e from school boards
which are funded by municipal, rather than
provU1ciai taxes. This is Ontario, by God,
and all the money should belong to the state.
\tVhat's going to happen with this money.
Well Social Services Minister Tony Silly poo
Silipo is going to use it to ensure that all
Ontarians earn, rather receive, a minimum
income, regardless of how much they work.
Sounds great. .
Another great thing Bob did was decide
to set up advOQlCY groups fonthose who are
less fortunate, who are downtrodden,
singled out and discriminated against For
example they decided that blind people are
being picked on be<ause they are blind.
Blind people <annot stand up for thernselves
so they need an advOQlte to stand up for
them and tell the world how blind people
feel. Of course, the advocate is appointed by
the government - why should blind people
have to find their own when the state is
ildi g"
Strategies outlined by Ernie Regefir
("Bridging the Gap" Engineering Series)
Andrew Pape
4A Syslems Design Engineering
E
rnie Regehr from the Peace and
Conflict Studies Department ot
Conrad Grebel College spoke two
weeks ago to a group of Engineering
students on the future of Canadian
defense policy in a post-Cold War era as a
part of the "Bridging the Gap" weekly
lecture series.
His background is one of a peace
researcher and activist He has published
several materials, induding a book entitled
"Arms Canada - The Deadly Business of
Military Exports" (1987), which looks at the
Canadian defence and export policies, and
how they contribute to the global military-
industrial complex, and how those policies
influence the social, economic, and politiQl]
spheres of Canada, and other countries
around the world.
In the post-Cold War era that we are
experiencing right now, the majority of
violent conflicts in the war centre around the,
"inability of nation-states to meet the needs
of their people". With some notable
exceptions, there are few ronflicts today that
affect nation-states other than where the
conflict is occurring. Foreign intervention is
rarely effective in these situations, unless an
agreement has been already made between
conflicting parties, and an international UN.
Peace Keeping Operation (PKo.) is brought
into place. There are few situations where
this is possible. The PKa. in Cambodia was
considered successful be<ause the operation
followed a peace accord and facilitated an
effective election process, but the situation in
Somalia has been anything but successful in
helping to develop long-term peace,
a1thQugh many lives have been saved
be<aose the presence of the UN. personnel.
As intennational military intervention in
conflicts world-wide is generally ineffective
within the present structure of defence
policies of many countries, consideration of
alternatives should be addressed.
UN. Secretary General Boutros Boutros-
Ghali has frequently spoken about the
concept of ''Peace Building", which involves
creating the conditions for peace, in a pr0-
active manner, to avoid potential areas of
conflict. An example of this in Canada would
be to promote the negotiations of native land
daims for Canada's Indigenous Peoples to
avoid any future conflicts similar to the one
in aka, Quebec several years ago.
Ernie Regehr spoke briefly on "!'eaCl.'
Building", and how we should Cl.)nsidC'r
adopting it into our foreign and defl'l1u.'
policies at this opportune momt'nt in history
where many multi-national conflict.'iare
coming to an end. As society is changing so
rapidly in this decade, it is difficult to make
condusions on how "Peace Building" can be
adueved, although there are some policy
aspects that are directly related 10 this issue.
In Canada, our defence policy is related to
''Peace Building", as we are the most acti ve
country in U.N. Peace Keeping Operations
worldwide, and a large percentage of our
resources goes towards that participation. In
Canada, about 2% of our GNP ($12335
billion) goes towards defence, yet deficit
elimination is a national priority, and many
government budgets are being cut
signifiGlntly.
. Up to this point, defence has largely been
sheltered from signifiGlnt spending cuts,
while many other foreign affairs
departments are affected. A notable example
of this is our Official Development
Assistance (aDA) program. aDA is the
mechanism by which Canadians try to
contribute to global development,
particularly in Third World countries, where
politiQl], econorruc, social or environmental
conditions stifle development from taking
place. Canadian aDA provides resources to
ODA (Canadian Intennational Development
Agency), to institutions, to international
development oriented crown corporations,
to the business community, and most
importantly to Non-Governmental
Organizations (NGOs) with intennational
development mandates, many of which are
based on a strong volunteer foundation. The
aDA budget has decreased from 0.44% of
our GNP to approximately 0.39% of GNP in
the last year, and there are strong indirntions
that there will be further ruts.
Maybe it is time to look at the benefits of
the work of many Canadians here and
abroad through aDA programs, and how
the work of them and their foreign
development partners promotes global
development and "Peace Building". For
example, the work of many Canadian and
foreign volunteers in parts of West Afri<a has
helped to avoid famine conditions near the
Sahara desert, whC'['(' rC'snur<'('S ;11,,(, "GIIn'
and is in'f\.\llI\g. By pl,lnt1t\g
tn.'L'S, small irrig,ltll 'II
wt'll watL-r), ,lIId pmll1(lling sust.linabll'
energy and awkulturc Il 'CllIlolnHit'S dnd
ml'thods, thl'rc b h0!X' formlilllaining
prescllt food suppliL"i into tlll' fultl!\'. In
northern Mali in mntrast, thert' is ,) violent
conflict lx,twa'!l thl'Taurt'g pt.'!)pic ,md Ule
Govemment, largely owr eUmic diffl.'nm(\.'S,
but not ulln-Iatl'cl to tht' t'nvirollmenkll
degradation of traditional Taun.'g lands in
theSahara desert, forcing thE:'m to mow
south into the more populated areas of Mali
as refugees.
Meanwhile, it <an be argued UlatCanada
is wasting a lot of moncy in Peace Keeping
Operations in Bosnia and Somalia.
Addressing the "Peace Building" issue Gln
have signifi<ant econorruc benefits for
Canada.
In condusion, Canada must consider the
concept of ''Peace Building" in our foreign
policies, in times of economic restraint, and.
be<ause the Cold War deadlock of the last
three decades has finally broken, and there is
less justification for maintaining defence and
military budgets in their present form.
Traditional international military
intervention is being proven ineffective in
conflict situations that are largely internal
within nation-states such as Somalia and
Bosnia. Official Development Assistance,
and in particular, the work of voluntary
organizations is an effective medium for
executing "Peace Building" strategies.
doing eveI)1hing for them. Now really isn't
it demeaning to blind people and singling
them out as helpless to say that they need an
advocate. I'd be upset if someone told me I
was too helpless to speak for myself. But [
haVE:' II bad attitude. [n Bob Rae's Ontario, no
one should have to spmk for him/herself.
The government 'Ivill provide us with
som nc to do it for us. Naturally, if we do
not have to speak anymore, we no longer
need to think, either.
All of this is well and fme. We now have
everyone ret."eiving an income, and really no
work. needed for free housing, free
mediml care, nearly everyone who works
earning the same wage and even someone
to and think for us. Should work well.
Thc Soviet Uruon managed it for roughly 70
years. That was communism you say, and
this is socialism? But what is communism if
not socialism in a pure, ideal form? And isn't
Bob an idealist.
How did Bob manage all of this? Hrst,
ronvince 37% of the people to vote for your
party. Second take from the rich and give to
the poor. What Bob forgot was that in every
society, be it Ontario, the US., the fonner
Soviet Union, the aboriginal tribes in South
Ameri<a wha;e rulture has remained
virtually unchanged in hundreds of years,
wolf packs, schools of fish, ants, bees,
amoebae, dandelions - whatever - you have
two kinds of people / animals/ plants: have
and havenots. One amoeba will always end
up with more food than another; One fish
will always get more plankton; and one
fisherman always catches more fish. It's not
<apitalism, Bob, it's nature. Keep that ideal in
mind next time.
ThelW
Apologizes
Society) would like
to apologi e to Phil's
Grandson's Place
for comments made
last term (Summer
1993) in the VP
Finance Spews
column. We feel
that such comments
and concerns do not
belong anywhere in
this publication and
we are sorry. We
like Phil's. We like
the bands that play
there. Heck we
even go there a lot!
-
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and/ or women to fill their shoes. (No,
you don't actually have to wear
Meathead's shoes, it's just a saying).
AnY'-vays, now is the time to start
thinking about who you would like to
nominate, or if you are interested in the
job, finding some people to nominate
you.
There are four positions open for
nomination. The first is Vice-President
finance (VP Fmance). The nomination is
open to any member of the Engineering
Society (ie. you paid your $1050) who is in
2A or a later term. The role of VP Fmance is
basically that of monitoring the money
coming in and. out of EngSoc, and making
sure we don't go broke. Make sure you
speak to Colin if you need more detailed
infonnation about what is involved. I hear it
is not a requirement that the VP Fmance fail
2B, so go for it
The next position open for nomination is
the Vice-President Internal (VP Int). The
nomination is open to any member of the
Engineering Society in 2A or a later term .
The role of VP Int is basically being
responsible for the acti vities of the directors
that provide the services and events of
EngSoc Make sure you speak to Hightower
if you need more detailed information
about what is involved.
The next position open is the Vice-
President External (VP X). The nomination
is open to any member of the Engineering
Society in 3A or a later term. The VP X is
responsib.le for the the
what is invol ed.
The next position open is th
Endowment Director (Well Endowed). The
nomination is open to any member of the
Engineering Society in 2A or a later tenn.
Th Endowment Director is an elected
position, since they dml with big money,
but they are not directly an erutive
member of EngSoc The Endowment
Director is basically responsible for
overseeing the day today management of
the Endowment Make sure you speak. to
Dave if you need more detailed infonnation
about what is involved.
The fmal position open is of course the
President (Prez). The nomination is open to
any member of the Engineering Society in
3A or a later term. The Prez is basically the
official representative of the Engineering
Society, and oversees the operation of the
Engineering Society and. its mascot. Make
sure you speak to Stephen if you need more
detailed illfonnation about what is
involved.
For all the above positions, it is not
important about how much or little EngSoc
experience you have. All that is important is
that you feel you have the ability and. the
enthusiasm for the job (and that you can get
some people to vote for you). Nominations
open Monday November 1,1993 and will
run until Friday November 12 at 3:30 pm.
Campaigning will start immediately
following, and will run for 2 weeks until
Wednesday November 24 at 3:30 pm. The
day of the election will be Thursday
November 25 from 8:30 to 4:00 pm.
Nomination forms will be available from
the Orifice Monday November 1. It will be
necessary to collect the signatures of 20
people who are eligible members of the
Engineering Society (paid their $10.50).
If you have regarding the
me a nore in the c.RC rna:m;o;c in
Orifice. If you are inlErested in helping out
during the campaign or in the polling
(pll'.\! " pll.N., pll\\ " ) mnw nd 1*
mI.'.
W
elcome to Waterloo for an y u frush oul
there and welcome back for 'vcryOJl dSl'.
IEEE
Well, it's the beginning of the 1l'l11'l.lnd
for of you who are inlt?I'l'SIl.'Ci, tht> IEEE
Student Branch i. .. organi:ting a lot of intcre:>tiJlg
tours and seminars for the term:
Tour of Air Canada's Flight Simulator enter.
(Planned for late November.)
Panel discussion with engineers from 1arge and
small companies, as well as nsulti.ng firms about what
they're looking for from porential employees.
Election on Nov. 9 for a new IEEE executive. Any IEEE member is eligible to become
a candidate for any of four positions; chair, vice-chair, secretary or treasurer. For any of you
who are interested, remember, it looks good on a resume!
Any member or non-member can obtain a password for the Walstar Dial-In Line.
The phone number is 715-'1i3W. IEEE members are charged $2 for a term and non-
members $5. Come to the office for registration and to get your pa.5/>word.
The IEEE office hours are Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 1:304:3Opm, room
E2-3359. Keep your eyes peeled for any additional information about the tours and
seminars.
Westrnount Place Pharmacy
50 Weslmoulll Rd. N.,Walerloo. ONT
OPEN DAILY
Sundays & Holidays
9am -1 0pm
11am- 9pm
WE ACCEPT U of W STUDENT HEALTH PLAN
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Guest
Ed-torial
by Ken Bryson
Everybody from politicians to computer bulletin
board users seem to be on the media's collective butt
these days. Politicians don't like the election
coverage they get and usenet users openly condemn the
media'S misinformed opines regarding that electronic
mode of communication. Stories regarding media fuck-
ups are as routine as tales of welfare fraud. Even the
IW has proclaimed "the media is your enemy."
What's behind all this animosity and mistrust?
Why? Well, Noam Chomsky would have you believe that
the growing corporatization of the media (many
outlets, few owners) has destroyed the link people
traditionally felt with their local media; readers and
viewers have been marginalized by advertisers and
corporate considerations. And this may be true. There
is , however, more to the story.
In common usage, the term media is used to
describe those bodies of publication such as
television, newspapers, and radio (the big three) .
Complementing the big three media, then, are various
local types of publication, including computer
bulletin boards, street postering, add community
newsletters. While one would have difficulty condemning
those local media for being in bed with corporate and
state interests , they do represent a more realistic
definition of the term media.
In proper usage, then, the term media signifies a
vehicle, mode, or medium, for messages to reach
people. To blame the media for bungling a story, for
invading someone's privacy, or for supporting state
ideologies , is akin to blaming the kettle for the
water boiling over; it doesn't reflect the reality of
the situation.
Although delving into the semantics of one word
may be a bit severe, the "media" misinterpretation is
at the heart of popular discontent. By conceiving of
the media as an autonomous, amorphous being ("the
media") which manipUlates and distorts public opinion,
people are doing themselves a disservice. As discussed
above , the media is simply a vehicle for people to
send messages to other people. There is nothing
inherently evil about the media because the media is
only what people construct it to be.
The media cannot be your enemy: people can. If
you are unimpressed by what you read in papers or see
on TV, remember that there are people behind those
images, people who are capable of changing. And while
letters and phone calls will likely do little to
change a major corporate media outlet, there are other
forms of media which are extremely open to change.
Take the IW for example.
The IW fulfils the function of presenting news
and information to engineering (and other) students
from EngSoc and individual engineering students.
Imprint, too, attempts to inform and stimulate
students on a variety of campus issues. These papers,
and the many other media on campus, are open to
participation from all students and members of the
They exist for the students to empower
themselves through information exchange: they are the
campus media.
And, despite the difference in size and power,
they are essentially the same as every other media
outlet in the country. Information exchange is
essential to a democratic society; without it the
masses would remain ignorant and uneducated.
While Noam Chomsky would have us believe that
true information exchange is impossible in a world of
huge corporate media conglomerates, there are other
media available to do the job.
The medium is not the message. The media is not
your enemy. The media is your friend - if you want it
to be.
OIRIIVIIN C'IIFef,
Middle Eastern Cuisine
Falafel - Shawerma Specialty Coffees
Hommus Homemade Cakes
... and lots more. Large Variety of Desserts
Come in and try one of our take out specials
Uscensed under L.L.B.O. - Catering Available
170 University Ave. W. (University Plaza), Unit 20
888-7718
THE.Y Dlr.,Nl- STOCI'- GAP oN ENqINE.EJZ.ll'iq
PICI<- uP YouiZ'S NoW ... IN 'THE ORIFICE.
.. -- . "' - _. --------------------
LON', I:>E A NAKE.D PER."SoN!
Next After-Hours Fornication
Night (IW Layout):
2 November
Bet 11 ere 0 r bee lot Iz e d !
Imagine, using
your imagination
T:
t simple four word phrase kept
me busy for about an hour. Yeah,
you got it, my creative abilities have
been in stasis so long it took over a dass
to get them jump started. How about
yourself? When was the last time you
conceived (dean, happy thoughts now)
something original? Okay, so who has the
time? But for a lucky few their ability to
envisage, dream and re-enact almost
anything is their lifestyle. In a little known
area to most engineers, within the
Modem Languages dwells a most
righteous group of scholars. We'd like to
remind you cl their commanding
presence in case you'd forgotten, since it's
their 25th Anniversary. Who else? The
true artsies themselves, the Drama
Department.
[Story Warm-up] Compare two faculties,
Drama and Engineering. Whoa, no I'm not
off my rocker; they're not incredibly
different, in structure. Both breed a dose knit
group of individuals looked upon as
strange, snobby, separate, or just plain weird
by the rest of the student body (some?).
Within the faculties, teamwork is both
emphasized and necessary to the survival
and success of projects. Free time is dreamed
of by both engineers and dramatists due to
the lengthy overtime nature of the work,
dictated by their courses and activites.
Sure, okay, but why all the acting fuss?
It's their 25th Anniversary, quite a big deal
in a university as young as we are. And in a
day and age paying so little attention to the
fine and performing arts, to survive this
long, and with such an accredited history,
hey, that's quite an accomplishment U you
didn't know, (and a lot don't) the faculty of
Theatre & Drama is within the Modem
Languages building, and do indeed have
their own intimate theatre seating 502
people. And quite fittingly since
communication is quite an integral part, if
not the focus. To communicate and convey
aJmost anything is essential in working with
people, understanding scripts, directors (&
many more but importantly in
giving dreams or nighbnares life in the
temporal world for the audience's pleasure,
horror or simply experience.
To partake of this faculty is to have true
grit (Oh what then might be said of
engineering). FinanciaJ stability is, well,
definitely not assured in the realm of
Theatre, so the rewards are much less
material than they are satisfaction or
spiritual. You've really got to want it! U
you're not into opening up, you'll have a
problem. You have to be real; one can't be
standoffish. Are you ready, to be any
character at all in front of hundreds of
people, while showing no nervousness?
Quite a dlallenge, for those not faint at heart!
But as well as acting, one can be part of
the tedmical side of things. I was quite
impressed by the tedmidans, ranging from
stage manage-, production manage-,
lighting crew, set crew, master carpenter,
electricians, lightboani opemtor, property
manager, dressers, oostwne manage-, and
more. These roles are filled by the behind
the scenes people, and like engineers have
very little room for error. My words can't do
their skills justice, but I have a new found
respect for their abilities and knowledge.
There are no dopes here.
Actors are people whose talent and desire
of which I'm personally jealous. Their time
is divided between scriptwork, character
study, refining skills, rehersals, constantly
working with and depending upon others,
the list goes on and on. Talent is quite a
helpful attribute but it's hard work that
allows one to survive in this business. Some
of the survivors are: Heather Kitchen,
Administrator at the Citadel Theatre,
Eclmonton; Cathy May, Manager of the
Maggie Bassett Studio; Karen Woolridge,
actor; Rebecca Jenkins, singer & actor;
Debroah Drakeford, actor; Hany Frehner,
lighting designer ... we'U have to stop, there's
way to many.
But you too can be part of the action! This
year features many productions, these five
specifically for the public:
The poignant British comedy by Pam
Gems, ''Dusa, Fish, Stas & Vi" starts next
week. It deals with four young women who,
for various reasons, are living apart from
Dusa, Fish, Stas & Vi
Twelfth Night
The Qass Managerie
Agnes of God
The Country Wife
October 20-23
Nov. 24-27
February 9-12
March 2-5
March 16-19
their husbands and lovers while trying to
reassemble the shattered strands of their
lives and relationships. In this sometimes
hilarious, sometimes deeply moving play,
the four endeavour to help each other in
puUing their lives togethe!" and in finding
the sense of purpose and individuality
which can be so elusive in contemporary
society. It's well worth the$8 for students.
For more info or tickets call 8854280.
While were talking about loosening our
money belts and enpying what life has to
offer, let's think about timelessness, eternity,
having your memory live on for ever. How
would you like to be incarnate, preserved
for all time, or at least your name? For a
pledge of $100, one of the 500 seats in the
theatre will be permanently dedicated,
using an engraved brass plaque, to you or
anyone you wish to honour! This is in order
to help update the Theatre of the Arts. It
could be a cool idea for a dass to try, maybe
for p""5 points or just thiit wann feeling
inside. H you're interested contact Mikel
Glussich at 88.>1211 ext.5262
I've only barely scratched the swfa<E of a
world so foreign to many engineers, but it
doesn't have to be. Why not find out what
they're really about? Atterrl a performance
and experience imagining again for the first
time. Support them in their 25th
Anniversary. And that's all the skinny red
guy wrote. [trl note; Red What? I
The Sandford Fleming Foundation Waterloo Campus Activity
4306 Can Pollock Hall, University of Waterloo, Waterloo, Ontario, N2L 3G1 (519) 888-4008
TECHNICAL SPEAKER COMPETITION
Congratulations!
To Fiona Zuzarte as the recipient of the Karen Marks Scholarship.
DOS is for
Wim s!!
I Like NIX!
Colin Young
IW Staff
I
recentl
Y
had,the dubious pleasure of
sharing a Watstar room with a frosh
tutorial the other day, and I began to
wonder just what the people in charge of
computing have been thinking.
We have spent piles of cash on upgrading
the Watstar system.. yet when I try to use a
computer during normal waking hours,
none are available. Most of the terminals are
either reserved for frosh tutorials or are being
used to type up a report in WordPerfect for
JX)S (part of this stems from the fact that the
frosh are still being taught WordPerfect and
VP Planner, in spite of the availability of
much nicer programs, but that is the subject
of another article). Now, I'm not belittling the
usefulness of these tutorials or the right of
someone to use Watstar computers to write
their reports. This is, after all, the purpase of
Watstar. What I am however que>tioning is
the planning used in the purchase of new
equipment When I look around a typical
Watstar room, most people are using
WordPerfect or another low-powered JX)S
application. There are very few People using
Windows, Maple or other such computing
intensive applications. I am not saying that
everyone should switch over to Windows
and start running Maple - if you are happy
the way you are rurrently working, by all
means continue to work that way. What I do
wonder is 'Yhether it was really wise to have
spent so much money on '386 and '486
computers with super high resolution
monitors when most people are going to run
applications that would work perfuctly well
on a more inexpensive computer.
Perhaps in the future, instead of removing
older "outdated" computers when new
equipment is purchased, they should be
moved to another room so when I want to
check my mail and type up a quick letter of
application, I don't prevent somebody from
completing their assignment in Maple,
because all the computers are tied up with
WordPerfect.
AGE OF
INNOCENCE
I am in love with Michele Pfieffer. Trevor is in love with Wynona. So, we
headed on down to Kitchener to see if, perchance, the two of them would be at
some gala premiere opening of Age of Innocence (on half price Tuesday) where
we would, of course, get dates. As that didn't pan out, we decided to stay and
watch the film we'd been looking forward to for quite some time. The ads built
up a tremendous desire to see what looked to be a well-filmed romantic period-
piece along the same vein as Dangerous Liaisons, and rumoured to be Scorcese's
greatest since Raging Bull.
The film opened rather slowly; during the first twenty minutes, I found myself
wondering when the plot would pick up, if there would be any romance at all,
and why it seemed I was watching a documentary. It got worse.
The film on a whole is based on a story of romance in the late 1800s, set in
upper-crust New York among the elite, who seem to have nothing better to do
than socialize; or rather, talk about each other behind their backs. As such, and as
a period piece, I find no fault with Age of Innocence. The story, in fact, is its
greatest asset. The plot is simple; Daniel Day-Lewis finds himself marrying a
wonderful girl (Wynona) whom he does not love, giving up the more careless
(socially), modem, untouchable Pfieffer. Pfieffer plays a Countess separated from
her husba d in Europe, who ha moved back to N w Yorl< a little poorer, and
tries to return to her old life among the elite only to be cast out (in a civilized
manner) by the pompous locals too polite to speak to a woman who has
dishonoured her family by ":;cand,ll". WhLII is D,mil'll ,Iy l.l'Wls to d()? It i".1
story of impossible love and love which newr dips. 'llwaYI> intngue
me, especially in period pieces, .1S they are "innO ' l'nt" and tn nil' Imln.' pun' than
the twisled entanglements many modem thrillcrb find t1wmsl>lvcs Wl',WlIlg, such
as Basic Instinct. The story had great promise; I find mysl'lf ildu<llly wanting to
read the novel above the film (whi h is not in my nature). No, Ihe f'lUlts in tlw
movie lie not in the well-wri tten, well reated story.
The film was produced with such techniques as lingering, incesb<lnt
between scenes, often producing extended sequ nces of dissolves (or various
purposes such as elapsed time and narrative view. There was a great deal of
monotonous, irrelevant voiceover narration, used primarily to convey that thi is
chiefly a novel; sort of like making the movie look more like a book. Some may
argue this is for the better. I thought it simply didn't work, and moreover it
estranged the audience from the film rather than pulling it in. It alienated the
events from us more than the 1800 setting. The editing of scenes was awful.
Some of the acting (especially by Wynona - sorry Trev) was not up to par with
the potential of these three incredible actors ... The camera movements were
inappropriate, with many long takes that slowed the pace to a crawl. In short, 1
didn't like the production qualities of the film at all. However, it was simply the
product that fell short of an otherwise very good idea.
This was my feeling until the end of the movie; [No, I would never TELL you
the end before you saw it.] There is a certain sequence of events to the film that
were "meant to be", and were particularly well developed at the end, in relation
to the love story itself. In fact, I would go so far as to say the end was excellent, in
simplicity, in story, in acting, and even in production. Finally, a film that
the common Hollywood trend; rather than a good film with a lowsy, boring,
obvious, or otherwise cheesy ending, this film was exactly the opposite. It doesn't
save the movie; that I can blame wholly on Scorcese. It simply made me say
"Finally. Something that aught to be done was; the ending that was 'supposed' to
be there, was." Quite refreshing.
AGE OF INNOCENCE: I 5 Directed by Martin Scorcese Starring Daniel
Day-Lewis, Michele Pfieffer, and Wynona Ryder.
By Mike Bessueille
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Worthless or foolish -deas,
talk or writing: a lot of stuff
and nonsense.
To fill the preserved skin
(of a dead animal) with
material, retaining its
natural form and
appearance for display
Below: Tamata inhales a condom in a test of a new,
safe oral sex proceedure. Dental Dam
anyone? Sorry Tamata, we still love you though.
Sports Slang - The
assortment of pitches a
pitcher uses in the game
together with the ability to
deliver them in the proper
manner at the right speed
to the desired spot. He
saved his best stuff for the
tougher hitters in the line
up.
IF'---------------
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_________ ... iIIii_
THE CAMPUS SHOPE:]
LEATHER
JACKET DAY
$315.00 includes:
front crest
back lettering - "University of Waterloo or "Your Faculty"
all sleeve cresting - Grad year & faculty
choice of men's or ladies' fit
choice of collar - mandarin or self collar
choice of letter style - single felt or double felt
choice of colours - black, gold, navy, maroon, forest green
other options available
Oct. 26 & 27 10am to 4pm
LEATHER $315.00 I't1ELTON & LEATHER $199.00
$100 DEPOSIT REQIlAED
JACKETS BY EXPORT LEATHER GARMENTS LTD.
..... you need to lubricate your mind ... "
Prof. Ariaratnam
ClvE 222 Lecture
"Whether we lubricate or not, we're all gonna be
screwed in the end." Back Row Lurch
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DearrN,
I have to sa!'f that I really appreciate the
selfi'lCiJlgentlselfri{trteous attitude
prevalent in the last issue of the Iron
Wamx. h is really nice to see thai some
people have a forum like 1tlis in wtich to
cisplayatlitudes and interests whch are of
siglificance only to themselves <rid their
circle of friends. Hate to sa!'f it, but a few
short months we ali recw:j our gorious
rN editors slamming the Imprint for having
done much the same thing. ~ you can't
beat 'em, join 'em, I guess. How soon we
forget. Is the Iron Warra a forum for
Engneering S1uderrts arx:l their COf'()8ITlS,
or simply a self-proclaimed altemaIive to
the Imprint? No offense intended, just a
few things to make you go hmmmm.
I would, tnvever, like to sa!'f that I took
offense with the editorial about people who
ask for their WEEF money bad<. Rrst, the
gand total on an undet'gad fee statement
is $1696.59. These fees include, among
other things, money for someone to maIk
our work term reports, regardless of
v.tleIher we wrote one or not. This is a
noo-refuroable sum of money and is on
the statement because mar1<ing reports is
not in the job desaiption of the people
rnar1<ing them and so it becomes extra
work or the university to hire people
from somepIa:e to maIk them because
they do not have a qualified staff capable
of doing it Not my words, I assure you.
Go to NeecIes and get that same old
same old from Jim Wilson about French
and Ergish and you'll hear it. But, I
digress. There are also several other non-
re4urdable iees which make IitIIe 10 no
sense, aJong with several others (wpIRG,
IfIlJint eIc) whch ma<.e no sense CIld are
~ or can be scratched at. The
WEEF is i<e the Health Pm and is
rnardaby l4lOf1 ~ of the fee
S1atemefIt <rid can orty be returded ilthe
first three weeks of dasses.
The pdnt on v.tlich I wish to issue
with the editor is the very title of the fee as it
appears on the fee statement. It reajs,
"Voluntary Student Contrb.rtion."
Voluntary, meaning paid by the students,
of their own freewiH. Wrrj, then, is a
"voluntary" oorrtrb.rtion man::latory?
Further, how dare you ricicule others for
not wishing to make the 'Voluntary"
contri:lution. T1is is quite inawropriate.
wrose money is it a.rtyWCrf? Your tactics
are no better than those of the fascists in
Italy and Germany who thought nothing of
put)icIy humiliating people and coercing
them into \IOIing for the "appropriate"
candi1ate. I am not saying that asking for
a refurd is right or wrong (especially the
part where people who do not pay $75.00
get to use the equpnent paid for by !hose
of us who did make the contribution), just
that if people so choose, they are simply
exercising their freedom of choice, as
guaranteed under the Charter of Rights
and Freedoms. That is what voluntary is
all about. Besides, we all took MSd 261
arx:l we all know thai the WEEF can hold
on to the money in its accounts for a few
weeks before refunding the $75.00. In this
time, the WEEF can probably make
interest on the money they would not have
gotten were the contribution truly voluntary.
Does WEEF refund interest? Ith.ink not.
We all have our reasons for making or
not making donations to dlarities.
Technically a contribution to the WEEF is a
donation. After ieading thai self-righteous
editorial, I would rather see my $75.00 go
to a more worttMIhile cause sucI1 as the
Cystic Fbrosis Foundation than to an
erOOwment fund set up to further the
education of engineers who want to force
their elitist attitude on the rest of sodety in
the neo-fascist manner previously
exhibited. Too bad it's too late to do so.
Sincerely,
Murray Bagley
Brother of Troy, Son of Ricka

Crazy Steves Used Car Sales
Poets Patio
This weeks Special
5.0 Litre 'Muscle Blue Thunder Bunny
Just $10.00 will get you a lick,
Only $7987,00 more, and you can drive this baby
off the lot (ramp not included).

The Media is Your
Enemy
(but the IW is your friend)
(the Imprint too)
Bagley
Brothers
Return
Troy Bagely
DAWGS
H
ow's it goin', eh@ For all of you
folks out there that ain't heard of
us yet, lemme just tell ya. I'm
Troy Bagely and I'm from Carp (pron.
Kairp). I know its been a while since I
benn in this paper here, but I'm back for a
real good reason, eh. I'm gonna be in the
election, eh, so like, I figgured It'd be good
to tell ya why ya should vote for me eh. I
mean, you know, kinda like an election
platfrm.
Oh, I guess yer all wondring why I ain't
running in Carp. Well, I would 'cause like, I
know everone and like, wff re all family, but,
there was a problem during the last electoral
situation. It wasn't no big deal or nuthin but,
my family kinda got into a scrap with the
entire town of Stittsville. Sort of a difference
of opinion on who should get to go into the
city and run things a while. I mean, hey, we
won the fight and all but me and my brother
kinda got a two election misconduct for
shirting the entire west side of town along
wiht sucker punching most of Munster
Hamlet. Usually thos guys in Munster are
pretty neutral, eh, kinda like those Swiss
guys, eh, but man .. aW,let's just say that they
ain't crossed the Bagely boys since. It don't
matter though, 'cause I just Knew that
Waterloo would just jump at the chance to
elect us, eh. Oh ya, I almost forgot, eh, me
and my brother are running together, eh. I
know there's just one seat and all, but we
don't do nuhtin' apart. Anyway, we can
share it 'cause I'm sure that it'll get pretty
boring sometimes.
Well anyways, enough of all that, here's
some of our ideas to make Canada a greater
place to raise ... well, whatever you want, eh'
Fll'St of all, get rid of the Queen, eh. I mean
she'd be good and all if she looked like she
rould get up before dawn and milk the rows
but she's about as useless as tits on a bull. I
meal\ if people still want this monarchy
thing, we rould prob1y get Don Cheny to fill
in, for a while anyways. Hffd be good too
eh, 'cause he knows how hockey should be
played ... rough 'n tough and without any
pads at all. Who needs 'em eh, they just get
in the way of letting the pain piss ya off even
more. Oh ya, if we needed some kinda
prince, we rould like, bring back Peter Puck,
eh. I know he's not real or nuthin' but hffd
look real good in all those regal like portJaits.
Oh wait, don't tell my brother that Peter
Puck ain't real ell, 'cause like he don't know
that yet and hff d prob'ly just deck ya
anyways.
Just ta show ya that we arre about other
provinces, we got an idea ell, fer
Newfoundland. They got it real rough with
all them depletin' 6sh stocks, eh. You know,
'cause of all of them seals eatin' em up.
There's just not enough fish left ta get caught
by all the fishermen. We got a solution to
this, eh. Bring back the seal hunts, eh, but not
like before. Make it like, a vacation resort
type thing. Tourists could rome to 'Oub
Oub' to bag themselves a baby seal, ell, and
they could leave with a real nice coat too eh.
I mean, them baby seals are cute and all, but
they're pests, just as bad a gophers in a field.
The Oub'll get tourism money in and it'll
help out those fish populations. That'll make
sure that there'll be lotsa fish, so we can
scoup 'em out in droves, just like the good '01
days. .
Now to like, get to a topic a little doser to
my heart eh. I gotta tell ya that we would
really support changing the maniage laws,
eh. I mean, I'm just sick 'a sneaking around
with the girl\sister of my dreams. It just
wasn't meant to be like this eh, I mean love
should like, always be out in the open. Well,
that's what my half-sister\mom always used
to say, 'till all tha;e naggin' little genetic
defects 'ventually caught up with her.
Ya knew this had to rome up, ell, so like,
here it is. BEER. Two things. FIrst of all,
there's a tax on beer and wffre against it. eh.
Wffd like, totally drop it, 'cause beer is a God
given right, not a privilege of wealth; here's
ta beer. Second of all, we'd prpose to bring
back the stubby beer bottle, eh. I mean, it
was the most distinct thing about canada and
it should be part of our everyday lives again,
don't ya agree@ Well, that and the fact that
it's easier to hide in yer pocket when the cops
drive by.
I know that sep'ratism'sa screwed up
topic ell, but we know that we gotta deal
with it. We propooe to kick the town of
Stittsville out of Canada. It ain't just 'cause
we don't like 'em, 'cause we don't, but
there's losta other good reasons, like ... they
don't like us either. Anyways, they're just
diffrent and they don't belong with all of us
civilized folk.
After we kick 'em out, we'll put up a really
big wall. Ya! The 'Stittsville Wall'! It'll be
great, wffll put up some 1edric cattle fence
on top so they definitely can't get out. I
mean, we'll still play hockey against 'em and
all, but if any try to defect back to Canada,
we'll just throw 'em back. It'll be great eh!
The only economy they'll have left 11 be the
flea market, eh, and it'll just turn into the
black market hole that we always knew that
it was.
Everybody knows that there's like, a
beaver on the nickel, eh, but like, why@
Someone said something 'bout it bein' our
national animal, but that's dumb eh. Who
cares about a beaver, so like, we think that
we should put a Black Angus (that's a type of
cow, eh) on all the new nickels, eh, 'cause
Black Angus are smarter than beavers
anyways. I mean, we once had an Angus
that rould count higher than my brother
Murray, eh. Boy was he ever mad, but don't
tell him that I told ya though, eh' 'cause he'll
just deck ya.
011, here's another good idea, eh. We'd set
up economic sanctions against all non-
hockey playing countries, 'cause that's like,
barbaric Denying their people the God
given right to get into fights on ice. It's gotta
stop, eh, and we're the people to stop it.
Canada must do it's part.
To break up the day a bit more, we figgure
that it should be split into three periods eh,
you know, like a hockey game, eh. Oh ya,
and overtime could only last for five minutes
'till they just call it all off. Wffre not real sure
how we would do this in government, but it
sure sound like a good idea, eh.
Well, that's 'bout it 'cept for a couple of
things. I mean, we know that there's some of
you out there that just think that me an' my
brother Murray are only good for sellin'
overpriced, low quality rom to dumb city
folk out of the back of a trailer that used to be
the box of a pick up truck, but wffre good for
this job, eh. I mean, we'll even wear our
goin' to court suits to the swearing in if we
win and we won't even wear our John Deere
caps inside the parlirnent buildings
everyday. Wffll just wear them when we
need to,eh.
Wffre smart too, eh. Hell, me and my
brother don't even need the rom in the
outfield to know to know where to hit the
ball anymore. So like, vote for us, eh.
Oh ya, I almost forgot to tell ya, if ya look
at the ballot and ya can't find our names on
it, don't wony, you can just right them in, eh.
See, we tried to get on the ballot, but none of
the political type parties would let us use
their names. I mean we could've,like, nm as
independants, but we failed the skill testing
question. I still think that's only for like free
Snicker's bars, but it don't matter 'cause we
got that election guy pretty good. I hit him so
hard with my hockey stick that now even
Murray can count higher than him.
So, that's it eh. Just write our names on
that ballot and hand it in. Oh ya, don't tell
Murray that we ain't on the ballot, 'cause he
don't know on acrount that he can't read
much yet. He prob'ly won't believe you
anyways, but he will deck ya.
Wh
Naibsel Vag
, 'TO Yura, his old friend Tonya,
until then a part of his life
which had always been taken
for granted and had never needed
explaining. had suddenly become the
most inaccessible and complicated being
he could imagine. She had become a
woman. By a stretch of imagination he
could picture himself as an emperor, a
hero, a prophet, a conqueror, but not as a
woman."
-Boris Pasternak
Aren't work terms great! With regards to
the manner in which the real world
functions, they are an invaluable source of
information. They contain a veritable
plethora of details often omitted in the class
room Things like money and time
constraints take on lives of their own and
sometimes appear to overtake the actual
work at hand in scope as well as in
importance. Complicating most of these
situations is the inevitable task of mastering
interpersonal skills and communication.
Here's where I narrow my purview and dive
headlong into the true nature of this spiel
last tenn, I worked at Adams Brands in
Scarborough. My mandate was to redesign
and hopefully improve their low pressure
steam and condensate systems. This position
afforded me a modicum of autonomy and
power to which I had not yet been exposed.
It was great! It was especially interesting to
take note of the way sales people would
practically bend over backwards to make a
sale. I was amazed at what they would do
once I dangled a little bit of capital before
their noses. There seemed to be no limit to
their generosity and unfortunately no level to
which they would not sink.
One distributor who was courting me as a
potential customer went through all the
trouble of organizing a tour through the
General Motors assembly plant in Oshawa to
view an installation similar to the one we
were considering purchasing. Adams
Brands' senior stationary engineer and I were
treated 10 a quick walk through the plant and
a thorough demonstration and explanation
of the system in question. It was a fun tour
and both the engineer and I were very
impressed with the product. Sounds pretty
good so far doesn' t it. but wait, it gets better!
They offered to take us to lunch, presumably
to further discuss the merits of their
revolutionary product, on top of all the other
really nice things they had done for us. Oh
boy! I'm not one to tum down a free lunch
but what transpired wasn't exactly what I
had expected.
We were taken to a hotel not far from the
plant and led inside, down to the basement.
We opened the door and walked into a strip
dub! I couldn't believe my eyes! (I feel I must
preface this by saying that I'm not offended
by strip dubs nor do I find them particularly
titillating. It's just that r was genuinely
expecting to go to lunch and talk about what
we had just seen at the plant.) Had these
sales men so little faith in their ability as
representatives of their company and as
conversationalists in general that they felt it
necessary to throw breasts at us in order 10
ensure our interest in their product? What I
thought would be an enjoyable afternoon of
technical dialogue had somehow
degenerated into a table full of adolescent
boys salivating and debating the various
qualities of female anatomy.
Since I had absolutely no experience at all
in this type of situation, I looked to the senior
stationary engineer for some evidence of just
what the hell was going on. His expression
seemed to indicate that this type of treatment
wasrather ordinary. I must admit that I was
in fact very ruriOllS to see how business was
conducted in just such an establishment
especially considering that the sales men
.,
I Grow

assured us that this wasn' t something they
did for pst anyone. Gee, what made us so
speOal?
I sat there quietly <hewing my Western
omelette sandwich and sipping my
Canadian. (The SClDdwich was the only buly
~ t b l e item on the menu and when I
asked for Sleeman's the waitress just stared
at me bIankly.) My anger just kind of kept
welling up inside of me. I just couldn't
imagine what they might have done with me
if I was a female engineer. What kind of dub
footed attempt at entel1airunentwouJd they
have made in that situation? Would 1 have
been taken to a salad bar or, worse yet, a
male strip dub?
Of COW"Se, this isn't the only example of
such outmoded thinking that J've come
across over the years I've spent in the co-op
system Have you ever been to a trade show?
About a year and a half ago, when r was
working in London, I was part of a
delegation of mechanics and stationary
engineers invited 10 a gala trade show down
at the fair grounds. Once again, distnbutors
and manufacturers alike rolled out the red
carpet and provided everyone in attendan.ce
with a free meal and refreshments (ie. beer).
Once again, I was annoyed at the display of
female flesh intended to attract attention to
various products and senrices. You know the
type: the bimbo in the bathing suit and heels
signing calenders emblazoned with her
portrait. I felt so naive when I expected that
everyone should be just as interested as I was
in the actual product's worth. Nevertheless,
there was an endless line-up of men just
waiting their turns to collect their personally
autographed copy of the calendar. Despite
the fact that there were virtually no women
present, r still couldn't help but wonder what
kind of entertainment they would have
provided if I was a female engineer. Perhaps
a knitting seminar was in order?
When thinking of these situations in
retrospect, the word that comes to mind
almost immediately is anachronism. It was
kind of like finding an aging Sun girl pin-up
silently decaying in some dark recess of a
boiler room It was an idea whoseUme-had
passed and was slowly falling to pieces. Was
r so high minded that I ignored the fact that
things like this still occurred? It all seems so
juvenile and downright insulting to have to
so blatantly pander to male sexuality in order
to make a sale. I understand that sex is a
powerful marketing tool but it, like many
other things, has its place. I'm no prude but
there's just something that turns my stomach
at what I've seen. Maybe it's because the
circumstances seem so unfair. Ideally, men
and women would be represented equally in
sexual contexts but now I'm starting to slide
off topic.
What I'm trying to say is that I didn't
realize the extent to which engineering is still
very much an old boys dub. I thought that
maybe we had gotten past that stage but
now I'm forced to recognize somewhat
disappointedly that I was grossly mistaken.
All I can do is stand here and shake my head
and hope that things improve once we
finally decide to grow up as professionals.
How can we expect to attract more women
to the field if we continue to insist on having
idiotic calendar girls and dosing deals in
strip dubs? To say nothing of how empty
these men's lives must be toactua1ly enjoy
this basest form of entel1airunent, I'm just
totally disgusted with the entire concept.
Even I was uncomfortable in these situations.
I can only imagine what it would be like for a
woman. This kind of crap has got to stop and
I for one will no longer be a party to it.
Principles of
Exclusion
Marc Risdale
SE
omeWhere in this issue of the Iron
Warrior (or should I say the iron
anifesto) is a letter to the editor,
namely me. In this letter I got flamed
rather fiercely, and rightfully so, as that is
the writer's prerogative (I myself did it to
Ken Bryson in the Imprint a few weeks
ago). I'm not here to respond to the letter
(because I think that's a really whiny
thing to do) but rather to expand on a few
of the writer's things so thoughtfully
provided to make me go hmmmm.
To say that the Iron Warnor is operated
by a dose circle of friends is entirely true.
How is this avoidable? We have a very
limited number of writers from whom we
can extract opinions. Naturally, these
wri.ters will "display attitudes and interest
which are of significance only to themselves
and their circle of friends". Why wouldn' t
they? Are we expected to represent
opinions which we do not uphold? It all
boils down to the tired old statement that
we can only print the opinions which we
receive. In essence, the Iron Warnor is a
forum for the submissions that make the
deadline and nothing more.
However, the letter did lead 10 some
soul-searching on my part. Exactly why
doesn't the Iron Warnor contain the
prerequisite diversity of opinion to effect a
true "forum for Engineering Students and
their concerns?" I very much doubt that it's
due to widespread apathy. That argument
is dull and overused. (Besides, it didn't seem
to do the above mentioned Ken Bryson any
good either.) The problem seems to be
much bigger and deeper than that.
As a fresh, I never did quite fit in with
what seemed to be "in" crowd. It was most
probably due 10 my innate shyness and
feeling of alienation and not to any overt
exdusionary tactics. Nevertheless, I felt like
a real outsider. The feeling persisted 10 the
Kim Farwell
a
SUnday, October 3 a large
rtion of the Chemical
Engineering Department packed
itself up and trickled off to Ottawa for th
Canadian Society for Chemical
Engineering National Conference. It was
an incredibly exciting conference full of
interesting presentations (see next issue),
inspiring events (see next issue), crazy
student socials, stunts and batch parties
(see next issue). You see, the story all
began that fateful Sunday evening when
the undergrads decided to leave the
official opening reception (read: the
alcohol was too expensive) and go to a
bar. When we left the hotel we
discovered it was pouring rain, but no
one wanted to go back for an umbrella
and risk getting left behind, so we
proceeded to get soaked. I recall
someone mentioning that we'd probably
all get pneumonia ... I laughed at the
time.
I didn't buly feel sick until Wednesday
night (though I'm not entirely sure whether
point that I didn' t even participate in my
class' Scunll was intimidated by the
doseness of my class and the entire EnF
structure. I was genuinely repuIsIrl by the
entire Engineering scene and figured I could
have a bette time on myown
On a whim. I walked into the Iron
Warnor office in January, 19!B. (That's right;
it took me until3A to come to grips with the
intimidation.) 1 walked out of the office an
editor. Weird.
Suddenly, doors opened wide to reveal
all the great things that EnF had 10 offer.
I made all kinds of new friends and
discovered that my opinion really does
count. My whole life has really changed in
the short time between then and now.
Despite all these great benefits, I can still
taste some of the bitter cliquishness within
EngSoc that used to annoy me so much. I
seem 10 find signs of it everywhere. I don't
like it and I honestly try to avoid doing it
myself.
This leads me to the reason why the Iron
Warnor receives so few submissions that I
find myself writing fifteen to fill an issue:
EngSoc can be a scary place. I have first-
hand knowledge of this. Please don't think
''Why would they want 10 hear my
opinion? They're all friends and I'm
nobody. This sucks." EngSoc and The Iron
Warnor are for everyone and not just a
privileged few. If you have an idea or an
opinion let someone know. Write about it.
Do something. Consider this a personal
invitation to talk to me any time about
anything. I'm very friendly; I'm willing to
listen to anyone and I'm easily recognisable.
If that's still too intimidating. I'm begging
you to write me some e-mail at
MRRISDAL@MECHANICAL. If you feel
you need a way into EngSoc, I can help. I
know exactly how you feel. Come to think
of it, I still feel that way myself sometimes.
Hmrnmm.
1 should have been driving for five hours).
When the Party Van pull ~ into
MtCuinness Landing in time for th tail
end of the Batch Party {another milCllllonc
event!). I was running a temperature of 103.
My mother always wamed m about
getting too run down, doing too much and
aU that My mother always Iold me not to
go out in th rain without my umbrella.
My mother always told me nol to sit
around in my wet dothes. My mother also
told me that gOing drinking on a Sunday
night was really not a re,'}JCdable thing to
do. I'd done alI this before and no harm
had befell me. I'd done all this before in
similar doses and life just went on.
Obviously someone up there had it in for
me this time. Whatever I did, I'm sorry!
Just let me get better in time for midterms,
please.
H
ave you ever wanted to manipulate people's minds? Win friends and
influence people? See your name in print? Then the Iron Warrior is the
place to be!
Remember -the media is your enemy, and the best way 10 prevent yourself
from being whipped into an orgiastic frenzy of consumerism by the military-
industrial complex is to join us.
Submit articles on disk 10 the office or our box in the orifice. If you prefer to avoid
human contact, our email address is iwaniOt@l302. Submissions are due the
Friday before publication. The remaining dates are 29 October, 12 November and
26 November.
Dandy Andy is looking for somebody to join him for after hours fornication,
sinoe Colin refuses to (Andy isn't his type) and he's tired of doing it himself. He
could also use a hand with the layoul
So come hang out in the most superific room in engineering - we're less crowded
than the orifice, our sponge painting is way cooler, and we're all house trained (we
also don't bite, in spite of what you may have been tokl) (Unless you want us 10).
Besides, neverurderestimate the thrill and excitement <:i seeing your name in
print. Its bette than sex (well, you won't get any communicable diseases from it) .
-
It seemed that for the longest time you seems to be much more a bar than a
couldn't swing a bat in a bookstore without restawant. 1bat is, until you open up the
-Come On Honey Let Me
Know Da Va Think I'm Sexy?
-Revolting Cocks
hitting a couple stacks of cajun cookbooks. menu.
Although cajun cooking has lost some of its There's a wide selection of imaginative
popularity, entrees and sandwiches with a distinctive
-Devotion
CD
there's no
...
'- denying that it's a
tn
~
colourfully
:::J
unique
..,
alternative to the
... current flood of
Ir'\
c:::
bland pub fare.
--
"'
When you first

.
w
walk into the
0)
c:
Circus Room, just
~
a little bit past
downtown
Kitchener, the first
thing that rushes
to mind is the
sense of
atmosphere and welcome. The walls are
cajun lair. Although it took a little bit of
helpful roaxing from the waitress, we finally
decided on dill pasta and catfish. Both dishes
were exrellent and showed a level of attention
to detail that was unexpected in this prire
range (about $10 for the main course). Both
meals included generous helpings of grilled
vegetables and were washed down with
piping hot coffee. While the desert of
bluebeny-chocolate cake was delicious, it
seemed an ordinary way to top off a superb
meal Its presentation was appealing but not
unusual to anyone used to eating out.
Overall, the Circus Room offers an amazing
value and a guaranteed good time. The staff
couldn't have been any friendlier or more
inviting and the patrons were a blast to be
Ah, who could forget Rod Stewart's immortal classic Do
You Think I'm Sexy? Well, the Revolting Cocks sure
haven't .
For those of you unfortunate souls who spend the time
between Ministry albums pulling toe nails, wait no longer!
I'm going to let you in on a little secret: the Revolting
Cocks are actually a very close facsimilie of Ministry .
Think of it as Ministry plus one or two .
Why haven't you heard of them before? Well, one reason
could be that they were on a relatively obscure label: Wax
Trax! Their last album, Beers, Steers and Queers is jU&t a
blast to listen to and can often be heard raging on the IW
stereo.
One might surmise that the Revolting Cocks gives Al
Jourgensen (Mr Ministry himself) an opportunity to do cover
versions as their last album contained a biting rendition
decorated with relics of popular culture gone with. It's especially nire if you're looking for a
awry, including my personal favourites: the
heavily deco clock and television. Be
forewarned, this restawant is loud. In fact, it
by That Guy (who keeps writing al/ those damn articles)
night away from the typical university crowd
as we were the youngest customers there. Try
it; you'll love it.
of Olivia Newton John's Let's Get Physical. This new single
might serve to support this hypothesis by giving us Rod
Stewart to munch on for a while. This is the quintessential
cover tune and it comes off as almost funky. There's even a
horn section! It's so catchy that it practically drags you
onto the dance floor.
The single also includes two more really great tracks but
they're kind of like eating the cake after the icing. To
top it all off, the CD comes in a sexy limited edition K-Y
Fed Hall - lues October 5, 1993
Jelly pack. Snap 'em up before they're all gone.
Duts Uhuh
DAWGS
There were no entries. This is not altogether
bad news since none of the staff have been
assaulted in the halls (yet).
Sheri Newstead did solve the scramble (She was not amused).
However, as she was specifically excluded, she did not win.
As a result of the oontest, the Orifice still has a case of unwanted
CHYM-FM mugs, our resident Lay-Guy, Dandy Andy, is still
available. Colin ~ g has been threatened. with bodily hann, but in
the meantime is still available. Kim Farwell has been sharpening her
teeth and updating her rabies shots, for those of you who wish to
rome down and be bitten. The llamas are doing fine.
"Man O' leisure" Wright
t \JB Systems
I woke up one morning in a cheap motel room in Des Moines with half a taro hanging
of my mouth. My left ann had been sawed off and been replaced by an orange pez
1 hate it when that happens. I looked around the small room in
nfusiorL.where was James Earl Jones? It was his damned idea to get the pez dispensers
. the first place. {dropped the half eaten taro back into its wax 'wrapper for later and
E.
an orange pez. The fuzzy taste that could only come from a night of drinking or
. g a large rodent in your mouth persisted even after the orange explosion of taste. I
r . ed the taco could not wait until later and dug it out
The night slowly drifted back into memory as I chomped into the taco. It had
so reasonable at the time. ... what use was my left hand compared to the raw
ctionality of a permanent pez dispenser. 1 flexed a muscle in my forearm
:::':CxJ:lEri! ' nentally and another orange pez shot out into my mouth. .. .. . hnun that fuzzy taste
even stronger ... .! reached cautiously into my mouth and fished out a medium sized
il ... much better.
I hopped out of bed into a large pool of vomit that covered almost the entire floor, this
the absolute last time I would go out drinking with JamS Earl Jones, you can't take
c;.........:r._. anywhere. I waded over to the bathroom to wash some of the more revolting bodily
uids off myself.
I was in the shower working on the third bodily fluid when a dark shadow rose up on
other side of the curtain
"Come over to the dark side Luke" a deep voice bellowed "It is your destiny!"
My heart shocked into sudden silence. ........ oh there it goes. I tore open the shower curtain
reveal a laughing James Earl Jones.
"Danunit James I told you not to do that! You know how much I hate that"
"Sorry LeisureMan" he bellowed to me as he flexed his arm to pop a cherry pez. '1
a biker bar just down the road .. . "
"Always a good way to start the day I suppose. Do you have my bag?" James tossed me
a bulging backpack and we were ready to go.
e bar in question was little more than just that. The only thing holding up the walls
t have been sheer nerve. Leather clad men and women lounged at the tables and at the
bar enjoying their first or second beer of the morning. A leaning sign out in the front
roudly proclaimed the bar to be Satan' s Little Helpers. I clutched the bag tightly to my
est and glanced over my shoulder.
"Keep the car running James."
I moseyed surruptidously across the floor to the bar. I might note at this point that there
very few who could get away with moseying in a bar called Satan' s Little Helpers and I
uld rount the number of people who could do it surruptidously on the thumbs of one
"hand. I don't know exactly why I chooe to mooey at this moment, perhaps Iowa was
ving more effect on me than I realized but mosey I did .. ... but I digress.
I pulled up the only stool that seemed like it could hold my weight and reached into my
ck. DAMN! I thrust my bleeding finger into my mouth and dumped the gerbil out of
y pack onto the floor. He flashed me a snide little gerbil grin and scampered out the door.
- ith a little more caution, I reached once more into my pack and pulled out its contents ..... A
- of shiny gold elevator shoes. As casually as I rould manage, I slipped on the golden
oes and leaned over to the jukebox. I scanned the list quickly and found my
_uve .... B14. With a leap and a bound I was on top of the bar as the jukebox blared to
e ........
''fEQUlLA''
My feet were a golden blur as I danced along the bar. Startled patrons fell back on either
de as I progressed along the bartop. Completely oblivious to my lower body my arms
ted to a beat .... not the song's beat necessarily but a beat none the less.
''fEQUlLA!''
If it was possible my legs sped up as 1 went, gyrating arms threatened to put out the eyes
innocent patrons.
James Earl Jones sat cahnly in the car with the engine softly idling "Come over to the
dark sid Luke" he mumbled with a grin , t still kills me." I up I ud
Came from inside the bar.
1 tore out of the bar as fast as my golden dad feet could carry me. Hot on my heels was
the entire biking rommunity of Des Moines Iowa. Up ahead James Earl Jones began to
slowly roll the car forward as he threw open the passenger door. I dove through the open
doorway a step ahead of a knife wielding angel and James dropped the hammer as we
squealed out of the parking lot.
"I still don't know why you do that" James rumbled
''Hey,'' I replied '1 just have to find the right bar. Who will be laughing when I have a
bar full of jovial biker friends to help me on my adventures?"
'1 stand corrected." James ronceded "That was a brilliant tactical move."
I looked down to find my left arm empty.
"Yougotanypezleftman? I'm hungry."
"No Leisure. Just had my last one." James boomed "Try one of these." James passed me
a plastic bag full of big mushrooms and I pulled one out to munch on before passing it back
to James.
'When did you get time to grocery shop man?"
"Mnph," James replied with his mouth still full of mushroom '1 just found these out
back the motel."
I looked down at the half eaten bag and nodded slowly "Probably not the brightest thing
you've ever done James," I noted analytically.
'Whatrould possibly happen LeisureMan?"
"Well for starters you seem to have turned into a badger, and when did we trade in our
car for this floating tearup?"
"Good question Leisure. Maybe we should ask our passengers."
I looked into the back of the tearup to find a rather large gerbil sitting beside a green
platypus.
''Hey!'' I protested. "You're that little bastard that bit me." The gerbil just stared at me
grinning his gerbil grin.
"Don't just stand there grinning that gerbil grinl" Said I 'What have you got to say for
yourself?" The platypus tapped me lightly on the shoulder and leaned over to whisper in
my ear.
"Did you know you are talking to a gerbil?" he asked. I turned to the platypus and
nodded dumbly. 'Well. .. " he rontinued "Were you expecting a response?" llooked back
and forth between the grinning gerbil and the platypus in ronfusion
'What I mean to ask is ... " the platypus rontinued "Do gerbils often talk to you?"
'Well ... no," I ronceded, 'They ... !... . .! think I have a headache."
"So because you have a headache you expected to be able to rommunicate with gerbils?"
The platypus slowly backed into the far comer of our tearup. "That sounds reasonable."
Yup, I definitely had a headache now.
'Tm sorry," the platypus suddenly said. '1 suppooe I haven't introduced myself
properly. My name is L.azlo B. Wordsworth" He genially stuck out his webbed paw in
greeting. Somehow this seemed to clear everything up for me. I reached out and shook his
paw vigorously.
"Kevin Wright." I replied "LeisureMan for short. That is the gerbil that bit me." I added
with a whisper, '1 know it" L.azlo seemed to ronsider this for several long moments all the
while nodding knowingly to himself. "But you're in on it too!" I suddenly realized, "You
and all your green platypus friends. All of you! And the badger driving our tearup! All of
you. ... out to steal my rufflinks!!" I had to get away! It was the only way I could save myself
now. The badger looked over at me feigning badgerly concern. He couldn't fool
me .... nobody could fool me now! I was wise to them all. Grabbing the handle I opened the
tearup door and dove to safety. Everything went ... .dark
"Kevin .... .wakeup Kevin You were having a bad dream" I awoke to find several
concerned faces peering down at me. I was lying at the foot of the steps to POEfS with an
empty beer bottle in my hand.
"No!" I protested. '1t wasn't a dream! I was in Des Moines. ... And you were there James
Earl Jones, and you Mr. Gerbil, and so were you L.azlo! You were all there! And my left
Photo Contest!!!
To win this issue's contest, simply identify
the person in this photo. Our photographer,
the esteemed Sc ott Chandler , will be
eternally grateful to you , as he can ' t
remember who it is.
Prizes are the same as last
issue (CHYM-FM mug, the
frying pan from the Orifice
or Andy Chan, the IIW
Adonis.
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Sweat Gasp Bounce
Climb Push Spin
Fast Crash Burn
Bleed
Laugh Happy Shower Home
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Adam buried. his head in his hands. We was shit liz was locked up somewhere,
his roommate was about to get him expelled and to top it off, he was now a Cow-
Bearer. As a matter of fact, he needed to get over to Dearborn Hall immed.iately. Mike
walked in.
"Gee Adam, don't worry. Steve and I will have a little chat with Trev. We'll make
sure he doesn't get you thrown out"
"Thanks Mike, but I'm <E'ta.in that I have more important thin&5 to worry about
right now. I've got to go."
Adam got up and walked. briskly out of his room Mike shouted out after him,
"What do you mean? Hey, where are you going? J forgot to tell you. Liz was tried and
executed this morning. Sorry ... "
Adam was long out of earshot He heard something about Liz. He should have
gone back to hear, he thought, but this was more important
'1'11 go see her tomorrow," he muttered under his breath.
Arriving at the Hall, Adam ran up to Sir's room Sir wasn't there, but a scantily clad
onde with cropped hair was.
"Hi, Sir's not here, he said you would be though. My name is Heather and he asked
e to take care of you for him"
"Well, that's really niCE of you."
'Why don't you come over here and sit next to me?"
Adam, a little hesitantly obeyed. As he sat down, Heather threw off her loose knit,
rut-off top and wiggled two rather small breasts up against Adam's faCE.
'Whoa," Adam shouted as he jumped up and bolted toward the door.
Heather easily beat Adam out in the raCE and even managed to include a tumbling
e with two inversions. Standing with her back against the door and chest hardly
heaving. "Not so fast there. Sir would be very upset if I wasn't able to maintain the
. ty of the Cow-Bearers."
But Adam wasn't interested in what she was saying as he stood in front of Heather,
. wagape. Memories of Lisa flooded back to him and he imagined sitting in the bus
her. '1 haven't seen anyone move like that sinCE I came here in September.
u're not a danrer are you?"
'Well, I like to think so, but I'm in Kinesiology. They don't have a danCE program
ere you know."
"Yeah, I've been told." Sigh.
"How could you tell?" Heather asked, suddenly swprised.
'We'll I used to know a dancer and she sort of moves the same way as you do.
r ftsides, lots of danCErs used to be gymnasts."
..., .I '1 guess I show off every now and again. But, as my ex-boyfriend always said,
ou've got to use it or lose it"
Adam and Heather moved. back over to the bed as they continued their conversation
ut danCE, the universe and everything. Adam was no longer fazed. by Heather's
, and ever stiffening nipples.
"Oh, look what 1've done," Adam said looking at Heather's breasts.
Heather turned slightly red and looked away. "All this talk made me forget you
eren't wearing anything but those lace ?'U'ties. You must be as cold as a witch ... well
retty dam cold. Here' s my sweater; that will warm you up u i ~ than that little cut-
off you were wearing. I don't know how you don't catch your death in that thing; it's
practically see through."
"Actually, it is. But oh, you're so sweet. 'Thank you Adam."
"So, teU me more"
And with that, Adilm ,1nd lleatht'r talk.>d and laughl>d the next two hours away.
Sir mtt'rlod the room with.1 swoop of his arm. Adam hadn't heard the door bemg
unlockro.
'1t ('(.rtlinly sounds like you two hit it off well."
"Oh yes," I Jeatht'l' replied, "Adam is just so wonderful. Why didn't you introdUt"e
me to him before now?"
'1 wasn't aware of his special qualities until all that long ago either Heather. Don't
get jealous on me."
Turning to AdaJl\ Sir added, "You should count yourself as special. It's a rare
occasion to get such a glowing review from Heather. Sean should have been so lucky.
Well we must be off. Say good-bye to Heather."
"Come by to visit me whenever you want Adam."
'1 will. Don' t worry."
Adam followed Sir out of the room and down into a small annex on the sulr
basement ofDearbom Hall. Hanging in the comer was a brown suede coverall, black
patent riding boots, and a black leather skintight hood. 'WelJ, get your gear on and
rome out when you're ready."
Adam started dressing after Sir left the room and found the entire outfit to fit quite
well and be mighty comfortable to boot. Strutting out of the room, Adam was faced
with five other, much bigger, figures dressed. in the exact same garb as he. The voice of
Sir came from an indistinguishable figure.
'Welcome to this Brotherhood, Adam From this day on, your name to this select
group is Jersey. You have replaced Jersey as Jersey will replace you. From left to right,
we have, Steer, Heifer, Ho1stein, Calf and I am Bovine. Together we are the Cow-
Bearers. Bear your name proudly. As Jersey, you will carry the front right leg of the
Mr. Moo, as honourable a position as any. Treatit as such. You will never be sure of
whom your other bearers are and it is to remain such. Do not fail your Brotherhood."
They left the room in a procession with Adam third from the front, into another
small room. They funnelled down through a trap door into a dark corridor, none of
them making a sound. Adam could see ahead, but barely, as there were smoky torches
burning on the walls. For ten minutes, Bovine (aka Sir) led them through an intricate
maze, to emerge in a room guarded by ten others (even larger) in identical garb save for
a golden transit emblazoned on their chests. Adam made a keen note of the cattleprods
held securely in their hands.
"This is the Cow-Guard, Jersey. They have a force of ten, from their number of one
hundred, standing at guard constantly. No one may pass their line unless
aa:ompanied by me, Bovine, or you, Jersey."
''Mer'
"You can ask questions later."
Bovine walked to the line of guards and they parted at the last second to let him pass
through. The procession foUowed. Bovine climbed upon Mr. Moo and the rest of the
Cow-Bearers took their stations; with Adam at the front right leg.
"Arise Cow-Bearers!" Bovine shouted out
Struggling. Adam lifted his leg but quickly realized how Mr. Moo's shank had been
designed. to rest comfortably on his shoulder. The expanded procession left the room
with Calf walking in front of Mr. Moo and the Cow-Guard spreading out around the
bearers.
In a couple of minutes, they came to a freight elevator which took them to the bottom
of a nameless arts building which they promptly left. Walking towards the
Engineering complex, a crowd began to gather behind them. Adam noticed they were
all wearing mottled leather skuII caps. A chant arose.
''Moo says the Cow God. The Cow God is the bringer of life, the deliverer of our
elixir. The Cow God lives!
Bovine masters the Cow God. He has subdued it He rides the untamable beast
Bovine is the master of the Cow God and is the master of all. Bow down to the ruler of
Trafalgar!"
This chant repeated over and over, gaining in intensity as more gathered round.
Adam also noticed that as more joined the parade, there were non-Engineers in the
group. They did not wear the Engineering skuII cap but were decked out in leather
and suede chanting along with the rest, perhaps even a little more fervently than the
rest. Just when Adam thought that just about everyone who possibly could join in the
parade had done so, it came to a halt in the middle of the Engineering Courtyard .
"Cow-Bearers kneel," Bovine hissed.
They brought Mr. Moo down' to its feet and Bovine addressed the crowd.
'We all know why we are present Trafalgarians. There is a great evil present on our
fair campus. Murders take place with no just cause. Justice is not served. as the guilty
are released. A friend to many has been struck by this plague. I know who the guilty
parties are and they will not be allowed to escape unpunished, I promise you that!
I am <E'ta.in you, too know in your hearts, the perpetrators of these misdeeds. I have
faith in your actions and the actions of your brothers. I call you forth to bring a
cleansing fire to this campus and free it of all its wrong doin&5' Let not the death of
Sean be allowed to pass freely. Arise Cow-Bearers and arise Trafalgarians. Oaim. back
the night, claim back the campus, claim back your freedom."
And with that short speech the crowd erupted, running this way and back. Adam
and the rest of the bearers stood up, with Bovine still standing on top of Mr. Moo, his
smile beaming through his hood. At the back of the crowd, Adam briefly saw Alex,
smiling just as brightly.
'Well Adam;' Steve proclaimed, "the count is up to twenty-three now. Sevent
them have confessed to being un-Trafalgarian and have been summarily expeUed. This
is a glorious sight."
"Right Steve." Adam replied.
"Gee Adam, you don't sound too happy. In all this we were able to rev
to drop his case against you," Mike added.
"Great, seventeen people sent to iru;titute; because somebody didn't like them."
"You'd better watch it Adam; don't get too cocky. It wasn't just one person who got
those undesirables expelled. They had to piss off at least five to be brougllt before the
council. And cocky people am piss others off."
"b tha t a threat Steve?"
"No Adam, just a friendly warning. You've told all of us how hard you worked just
to get here. I'd hate to see you throw it all away."
Steve walked away with Mike in tow. As they closed the door the phone rang.
Adam waited.
Ring.
Waiting one more ring so as not to sound anxious, Adam picked up the receiver.
"Hello."
"Hello Adam," a digitally modified voice spoke in return. "Don't bother asking who
this is, because I won't tell you. But it's not as if you don't already know. That was a
rousing little speech Sir gave two days ago wasn't it? I'm sure you were more than
impressed. with the results it got, at least the magnitude that is. I'm not so sure you will
care for some of its deeper ramifications though. You had better be at the centre tree in
five minutes, Adam, or Usa will pay."
"Lisa? How do you know about Lisa? Is she with you?"
Oick.
As Adam slowed. to a trot nearing the large maple at the centre of campus, he took
two large breaths to recover from his run. He looked around and saw nothing. It
started. to rairL Waiting. Adam wa1kedaround beneath the tree. It was a warm rain
and evidently, as Adam looked at his hands, a red one. Adam looked up with a dawn
of realization. Suspended from thE; boughs of the tree nearly thirty feet up was Mr.
Moo surrounded. by ten decapitated heads, covered with leather hoods and a cattle
prod stuck in their mouths. Slung beneath Mr. Moo was a multi-parted Mr. Beasly.
Two squirrels raced around the tree as Adam sunk down to the ground wiping his
bands on his face.
By Scott Chandler UK
EORl!KA !
TttE AKSWER

7000
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Oh yetl.'n? 1 've, never
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stuff they've..
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