~ R O N

The Special "Jumbo 32-page colour end-a-term extravaganza" Issue .'.

The traditions are . ..
not the essence of
Engineering . ..
they are peripheral to
the meaningful
contributions that
engineers make to
society.
Cathy Richardson
IW Staff
l1
ere have been complaints floating about lately
that there is too much "Tool-bashing" happen-
ing in the IW and elsewhere. Those who com-
plain seem to perceive this alleged bashing as an
attack on everything that Engineering stands for,
rather than seeing the attempt to make Engineering
students consider the reasons for the things that they
do and profess to believe in. The IW does not have as
its intent the eradication of all of the amusing tradi-
tions that Engineering students are known for. Our
purpose is rather to make people realize that the
things that we brag about are not necessarily the
things that we should be proud 01
There is a great deal to be proud of in being an engi-
neer. As stated elsewhere in this issue, '1t is the tradi-
tion of raising standards of excellence to new levels
that makes us proud." But if this is the case, (as it
should be) then why is it necessary to have a mascot
to inspire our pride? The only other organizations
that make use of mascots to encourage pride in their
accomplislunents are professional sports teams. Any
group that expects to be taken seriously by outsiders
cannot have an pipe-wrench as its source of pride. We
are also all too ready to tell people that Engineering
students posses the ability to consume copious quanti-
ties of alcohol, and are completely ignorant of any-
thing that might be termed "artsy", be it language or
culture-related. For the most part, these stereotypes
are not true, yet we seem to be determined to reinforce
them, through such traditions as Frosh Week and the
IRS.
Many of our Engineering traditions are not inher-
ently hannful or BAD. (In fact, several IW staff mem-
bers were to be seen enjoying themselves at a recent
aquatic event.) Tradition is dangerous only when it
reinforces negative stereotypes, and this is what has
happened to some of the traditions in Engineering.
Somewhere along the way, our emphasis has been
misplaced, and we are only too willing to be per-
ceived as a gang of "beer-guzzling lemmings."
The reputation that Engineering students have is
largely based on the things about ourselves that we
choose to reveal to the public. Students in other facul-
ties, and members of society at large see only the ~
cot, the hardhats, the chanting, and the drunken revel-
ry. Their entire perception of the profession is based
on these things, and they do not see the years of study,
the technological progress, or the safety of their cities.
If these are the things that we are proud of, why do
we draw so much attention to the things that perhaps
would be better left unmentioned?
It might be argued that engineers are not, in fact,
perceived in this negative light, but are looked up to
by others outside our ranks. I have been renlinded
repeatedly, however, that this is not the case, and that
our arrogance has unfortunately left the desired
impression. A few examples will illustrate:
'The Iron Warrior is pretty good this term,
which is surprising considering it's an Engi-
neering paper!"
"Sexism? Well, you have to consider who
you're dealing with," (Le. engineers)
"Beer-drinking neanderthals .. . "
" . .. illiterate techies, made necessary by
modern teclmology, but incapable of appre-
ciating the social consequences of their
work"
Examples such as these should make it obvious that
the general public does not look upon US with rever-
ence and respect. The solution to this is to infonn
them of the things that we do which will legitimately
earn their respect. We ought to let people know that
we think about things other than beer and camshafts
(or JD and compilers, if you prefer.) This has been a
large part of the purpose of the IW this term - to show
people, ourselves included, that we do, in fact, have a
wide range of interests and talents.
The traditions are fun for many, but they are not the
essence of Engineering. No one is calling for their
removal, but we must remember that they are periph-
eral to the meaningful contributions that engineers
make to society. Let us reconsider what it is that we
are most proud of.
Lay(mt Editor
Alun Fryer
Spedal Guest
Chainsaw Ralph
Photo Editor
Mike Svarc
Contributors
M&rio Bellabarba
William Alcott
Scott DUmviUe
Colin Young
Stephen Kingsley-Jones
Chris DeBrusk
Morgan Day
Dude in Black Hood
Dave M{)rton
Michael Ross
Darren Dickson
David Lander
Mark Alexander
Tbe Iron 'S:qa"nr h a forum for thought proVOking Wld lnfom\alive ..
&c.,oo by ,he ""ad"",,,, commun"y of U ... UnivCl'i,y er W.,erio<>. V,"'", up< <cd
in the Imll Wgrrior 8fe tllU"te or Iht ilUtOOn; 000 (hl not 1'let:e"lqOly tnt Opl04
I"". ef 'he "8""""ln8 Sc.;,c,),.
The lton W.,rier encoutage. and olher
rnombc.. ofd1<O unive.. ily com",. ",!),. Submistiions """"Id reOtel the conccrno and
in.. Uec' UlII of the un,,,,,,,i,y in genera!. and .lIould bc IYl"'wrill<n
Moeintosh or MSDOS 3 1/2" disk. The au,hor', name, tins, (If applkab)el and
p/I(lI'" number ""cu Id bc me,uded.
All .. unl"", oIherwi>< .'.(ed, become the prop.:rty urThe I roo Wqc:
$. which reserves the ri@hl 10 rt(u'!e publication or m"terial which il decm.
unsuituble. Vle I ron \YqcrjQr Il\e to edit t!rommar. und
or tt)Ot thut do not OMrel uni\'c11.it)' Authors will be OOtified of
any " .. ,Of chMges ,b,,, rna> tIC required.
All subonihSiOll< and advenj,jns 'hould be forwarded '0:
The [oon Wamor
Socicty
CPH 1327
Univmity of Walerloo
Wattrloo. Ontario
N2UGI
Phone: (519) 888-4762
(S I9) 8886197
Emall: iwarrlor@1302.wa1s1ar.uwalerloo.ca
Mike Ross gives us a
glimpse into another
way of life - Page 6
In This Issue
The Iron Warrior Magazine
Volume 1 Issue 1
March 28, 1994
Andy was a Corporatist 4
Corporate loyalty versus professional ethics - which
comes first?
Engineers Abroad 6, 22
Living in Indonesia - a different world - Page 6.
A visit to the homeland - rediscovering India - Page 22.
Recession Fighting Tip #3 12
Avoid the global recession - leave the planet!
The Adventures of Moo the Cow XIV
All of your favourite characters are back in this sus-
pense-filled adventure.
Scunt 24
Invincivil is invincible.
Spews 27
All of your favourite Eng Soc personalities.
Andy Was a Corporatist
(lifted from the poem by Attilo the
Stockbroker)
Stuart Carmichael
4BSystems
throughout the developed world.
Perhaps the largest single factor contributing to these
changes is the steady commoditization of goods that
have traditionally been high margin items. Personal
computers are a prime example of where the evolution
of a generic product-the PC-has shrunk margins
M
ary Kotler painted an arresting picture of the through a cycle of price competition between produc-
post-industrial economy in her presentation ers. This has left manufacturers scrambling for means
o Waterloo students last Tuesday night. to retain customer loyalty, and construct a durable
Her predictions of tremendous flux in the job market, client base, in a world where stiff competition is erod-
exponential technological change, and leam- ing previously secure market shares.
ing are quickly becoming anthems for the nineties. "Zero-d.efects" and "100% on time delivery," buzz-
Although not unique premonitions, her synthesis of words in the eighties, are now baseline requirements of
their implications was delivered with the savvy of operation in many industries. Growing customers' ser-
someone who has built a meteoritic corporate career. vice expectations, and an increasing emphasis on over-
However, her vision leaves the modem employee all value, are creating a marketplace where companies
clearly disadvantaged in a world increasingly shaped are having to invent radically new ways of distinguish-
by corporate power. ing their products. An emphasis on se:rvice is proving
Currently Ms. Kotler works for Siemmens, a large to be a successful means of extricating products from
high-technology manu- commodity competition.
facture:r that employs in Businesses are restructuring
excess of 200,000 peapl It is unclear . .. how in order to create products in
worldwide, making it the the new seIVice oriented mar-
third larg t corporation professional, or even keto Big business is quickly
on the planet. Before personal loyalties are to be becoming small business; to
coming to Siernmens, she prove her case Ms. Kotler cites
distinguished herself as a reconciled with potentially IDM, GM, and AT&T as a few
production troubleshoot- examples of large corporations
erand established a repu- antagonistic corporate downsizing their operations.
tation for being able to interests. Professional the last ten
resurrect stalled manufac- J I have Witnessed more busmess
turing operations. She ethics have rarely coincided startups that any other period
joked that, like most h . in history. Between 65% and
Canadian success stories, wtt corporate requtrements. 70% of North American
she is now living south of employees currently work for
the border. firms with less than 100 people on the:ir payroll. This
Her work as a management consultant has led her to statistic is misleading, however, considering the com-
develop an analysis of change informed by several plex webs of ownership that span the globe. Large cor-
important trends. First, the recession is over; the Unit- porations still dominate the scene, particularly in indus-
ed States is in its eighth consecutive month of economic tries where development costs are prohibitively high.
growth. This, coupled with easing unemployment, By flattening the management hierarchies of the:ir
and freer trade will continue the momentum of dereg- organizations, identifying and pursuing a reduced set
ulation and the privatization of industry. These of core activities, and by establishing inter-firm
changes are set against a background of ongoing price alliances, corporations are attempting to restructure
wars that are helping to maintain low rates of inflation themselves in a '1eaner, and meaner" market, as Ms.
Kotler describes it. All this change pivots on tlle reorga-
nization and reconceptualization of the workers who
staff these organizations.
Mary Kotler, like many other business thinkers, envi-
sions multiple career changes, increased contract
labour, and the re-creation of the piece-rate as an
important wage unit. In the flux of the post-industrial
labour market, the "knowledge worker" has already
She joked that, like most
Canadian success stories, she
is now living south of the
border.
started its ascent towards becoming the prototypical
employee of the 21st century. This gregarious and life-
long learner will enjoy closer ties to their profession
than the life-time employed company men and
women from the middle part of this century. Further-
more, the "knowledge worker" will receive skill-based
compensation, and scorn the anachronism of the nine
to five working day in favour of extended flextime.
There are five key "watchwords", as Ms. Kotler calls
them, that should guide employees trying to make
sense of the coming changes. These words describe the
desirable and advantageous attributes found in model
employees. Successful workers must align themselves
with company interests, continually educate them-
selves, communicate effectively, simplify otherwise
complicated tasks, integrate procedures, and improve
the processes they are immersed in. At first sight, this
list is largely a useful set of innocuous suggestions for
getting ahead in large corporations. Ms. Kotler's vision
is marred, however, when her model employee's self-
defined loyalties are in conflict with company interests,
and must realign with corporate values.
It is unclear in her argument how professional, or
even personal loyalties are to be reconciled with poten-
tially antagonistic corporate interests. Professional
ethics have rarely coincided with corporate require-
ments. Professionalism has had a turbulent history; in
The Sandford Fleming Foundation Waterloo Campus Activities
4306 Carl Pollock Hall, University of Waterloo
Waterfoo, Ontario, N2L 3G 1 (519) 888-4008
Engineering Debates: Finals will be held on March 25 in POETS at 12:00. Faculty Co-ordinator is Prof. Roydon
Fraser, Mech. Eng., x4764. Quarter- & Semi-Finals will be held on March 21, 22, 24 starting at
11:30 in E1 2536.
Student Travel Grants Available to students participating in technical conferences. Contact Prof. Herb Ratz, x5175
for further information.
Emergency Loan Funds SFF has made available funds for short-term emergency loans, interest free for 90 days.
These loans are available to engineering undergraduates, on either an academic or work term.
Contact the Student Awards office for further information.
The John Fisher Award for Leadership
The John Fisher Award for Leadership is made from time to
time to a graduating student whose activities throughout
his/her academic career have made significant contributions to
Co-operative Engineering Education. Nominations for the
Award can originate from student groups, faculty members
and the Foundation. Nominations should document the
nominee's contributions and other support for the nomination.
Contributions are to have a profeSSional orientation and can
involve student activities, the Sandford Fleming Foundation
work or other appropriate functions. Letters from colleagues,
faculty members, and others knowledgeable of the nominee's
efforts will be given consideration.
The Award at Convocation, consists of a Citation and an
Honorarium of $1,000. For more information, contact the
Sandford Fleming Foundation. The Deadline for nominations
is April 1, 1994.
Funding for these awards comes from your student contributions and depends on it for continuation.
America a pitched war raged within engineering orga-
nizations in the early part of this century over whether
business or engineers would control profe>monalloyaI-
ties. Business won, and. this has had important implica-
tions for both the status, and the power of engineers.
(Taylor, 1986) In Mary Kotler's model of modern
labour relations, it appears business will still command
the upper hand in loyalties, especially in the current job
market In fact, she recommends that if you can't align
yourself with corporate interests then you had best get
out of the business to save yourself, and your employ-
er, a measure of grief.
This begs the question of who is going to share the
helm as the Western economies pitch their way into the
21st century. Despite all the changes facing the worker
described in Kotler's model of the new economy, the
corporation remains the untouched Grail of business
organization. Even though large companies are
becoming small, and fast, business ownership in the
West is showing no signs of diffusing. True, Siemmens
is a publicly traded corporation, but it is unrealistic to
conceive of it as publicly controlled. Closer to home
another corporation that issues public stock, Rogers
Communications, has just returned from a spate of
empire building in anticipation of the post-industrial
information superhighway.
While the organizational models of the owners of
business are intact, the prospects for workers are less
promising. 1he erosion of labour unions is being cat-
alyzed by the freer levels of trade corporations are
enjoying, particularly along the North and. South axis.
In many ways, unions are complicit with the whole
model of corporate business organization, and are sim-
ply working towards larger slices of the ever-diminish-
ing pie. However, their disappearance leaves a power
vaclltun to be filled, and. with them go important wage
control mechanisms provided through collective bar-
gaining. Modem workers are being scattered to the
winds of economic recovery like a bewildering array of
disorganized contractual motes, leaving them in a
dearly disadvantaged position when negotiating e t t ~
An organizatIon devoted to the advancement of engineering education.
ments with corporations.
Mary Kotler carried on to argue that customer ser-
vice is superceeding the automated assembly line as
the new metaphor of the marketplace. Market rela-
tions, and hence the whole economy, is now best
thought of as a network of finns serving customers
along lines of vastly improved communication She
asked us as students to consider the implications this
metaphor has for our edu-
cation, and apply the
who were intent on cutting them out of the picture.
(Strasser, 1989)
If customer service contains an important subtext of
corporate power, and if the new, model employee is
aligned with business but left without tangible authori-
ty, where does Maxy Kotler's analysis lead us? In brag-
ging about her six figure income, Ms. Kotler left little
room for misunderstanding her allegiance. When
pressed about employee
involvement in corporate
notion of customer service
in our relationship with the
university. Our professors,
she suggested, are our
clients, and as such, their
customer satisfaction is 'job
one: H is remarkable how
this client-service model
fits conveniently into many
models of human intera0-
tion and claims to explain
them in a new, however
perverse manner.
Modern workers are being
scattered to the winds of
economic recovery like a
bewildering array of
disorganized contractual
motes, leaving them in a
clearly disadvantaged
decision making, she sug-
gested that one day, if we
make as much as her, we
might have a say in how
things are run. Her comment
w. s glib, but it till <in; (n
eri ring; bitt T-SW(, 't
d macr. cy i alwJYS pre (('r-
abl to lh lop-down hicrar-
chi found in m.1ny b i-
nesses. orporations, in
assuming their partial latus
as citizens in our SOel ly,
have established themselves
a a particularly pow rful
and noxi influ nee in our
state decision making.
Customer satisfaction is
now becoming a crucial
tool as business tries to
reestablish some form of
branding on products that
are increasingly slipping
position when negotiating
settlements with
corporations.
into generic categories, however this trend is not new.
Proctor and Gamble pioneered the use of branded
goods to distinguished themselves from other products
employing a system of advertising and distribution, as
early the 1880s. Kodak Easbnan, while creating a
brand-new category of consumer, the amateur photog-
rapher, realized the importance of creating intimate
channels of customer support. But the customer did
not simply become ''king,'' or acquire important new
measures of control in the marketplace. In actuality,
branding became the site of an intense power struggle
between existing retail networks, and corporations
The corporate mod 1 of
production is an effective tool for maximizing through-
put in an organizatiol'\ but it is hardly d mocralic. In
light of this, how should we respond to corporations
that demand aligrunent between our goals and theirs?
Perhaps a corporate world, interrelated through freer
trade can deliver on its promise to provide higher stan-
dards of living for all However, neither this vision of
post-industrial business nor the ideal corporate
employee suggest patterns of production and labour
that chart a route towards more equitable distributions
of power in the marketplace.
Desa
Maruwei
~
August 1992, through March 1993, I participated in a Canada World Youth
exchange between Indonesia and Canada. The exchange group consisted of seven
Canadian students and their seven Indonesian "counterparts". The group spent their
first three-and-a-half months in St. Marys, Ontario, and their second three-and-a-half
months in Maruwei Satu, a remote village roughly in the center of Borneo, Indonesia. While
in these communities each counterpart pair lived with a family and 'WOrked in the communi-
ty, trying to form an understanding of community development. The following stories are
from my stay in Maruwei Satu.
Michael Ross
48 Systems
}3E
pak (Father), Ibu (Mother), my counterpart
pte, and my mischievous little sister Doli are
going to visit my sister Emi today. Erni lives
with her husband at the Barito Pacific Lumber Com-
pany just down the river. He works at the lumber
company, cutting trees and operating machinery. She
is pregnant with th ir first child, and Ibu and Bapak
want to visit her.
Ibu paid for a v ry small klotok to take us to the
lumber camp. This klotok is little more than an over-
sized wood canoe with a noisy diesel engine. Sapto
sits high in the prow, the klotok owner sits at the back,
and Ibu sits just in front of him with Doli in her lap
and a black parasol shielding the two of them from the
sun. I am sitting behind Sapto, looking backwards in
the klotok, and I face Bapak.
On our way to the camp we pass the point in the
river where one finds the path through the rain forest
to one of our ladangs, or dry fields. I have been to the
ladang with Bapak several times; it is great fun. We
walk along the path, scaring monkeys high in the for-
est canopy, sloshing through swampy areas and occa-
sionally, at the top of a hill, catching a glimpse out of
the rain forest into the sea of treetops below. He stops
frequently along the way. He points down to the path
I 'WOuld like to thank the financial assistance of the Sandford Fleming Foundation, Engi-
neering Society "B", the Department of Systems Design Engineering, the Systems Design
Class of 1994 (WHAT), Carissa Wells, and David Carr.
Cerita-cerita ini untuk semua orang di Desa Maruwei Satu, dan untuk Keluarga Lisen.
Saya belum pernah lupa anda sekalian dan kapan-kapan saya akan kembali.
and some frayed leaves and says "babi"- a wild pig
has been by. He points out pineapple plants that have
had their fruit eaten. "Babi" he says again. At another
point we stop so that he can climb a small tree to pick
tiny red berries that grow from plants that perch in
crooks in the tree trunk. While he does this I collect
cassava leaves. He also wants to dig up some roots
from a particular plant- for virility, he indicates. On
the way back I point out some pineapple plants that
have ~ eaten and say ''babi''. '13ukan", he contra-
dicts me, "orang" - human.
TI1e klotok reaches the lumber camp: a vast scar of
red mud blighting the rain forest. Stacks of logs,
trunks almost as wide as I am tall, dot the barren plain
Enormous earthmovers and trucks are sparsely scat-
tered about the area. Mostly there is just mud. There is
no place for us to moor our kIotok; we just run it into
the mud and clamber up the embankment. Then we
cross the rutted wasteland towards a row of low
wood houses.
Emi and her husband live in one of the houses.
Shortly after they got married they left the village so
that he could work here. The house is dark and
aamped- it is the barracks for the company employ-
ee&- but it is very clean. Emi is sick and I do not meet
her but I talk for some time to her husband. We sit on
the shady front porch, and other people come to talk
with us. Some men play table tennis on a table that is
adrift in the mud about twenty metres from the house.
We are served coffee and we eat lunch. It is the height
of the afternoon, and we sit on the porch for several
hoUl'S, waiting for the shadows to grow longer on the
cracked clay.
We return across the field the same way we came.
We find the klotok owner and we head back up river
towards the village. While we are sitting in the klotok
Bapak asks to see my hands. He inspects these, and
then looks at my feet, pointing to the red spots where
the mosquitoes have bitten me. Then he offers his
hands for me to look at. They are thick with calluses,
and strong: he is forty-nine years old and all sinewy
muscle and calluses.
Bapak smokes three of his green cigarettes on the
way home. They are about two inches long, thin at
one end and absurdly thick at the lit end. He has a lit-
tle tobacco case with all the fixings for these cigarettes;
I watch him roll every one. He carefully folds a crin-
kled leaf and then he spreads down the fold some
tobacco-like plant that he has collected in the forest.
He rolls this once or twice, then produces his lighter.
The lighter is a veritable intrigue: it opens in three
pieces, like a broken lipstick tube. The top part con-
tains a flint and the bottom part is filled with cottony
tinder. He takes some of the tinder from the tube, puts
it in the cap of the lighter, then ignites the tinder with
sparks from the flint, which he flicks with his thumb.
The tinder bums furiously, he
inhales quickly to light the ciga-
rette, and invariably the tinder,
still burning, falls onto his hand
or leg.
Bapak almost loses his third
cigarette. When we are almost at
the village he asks the klotok
owner to pull the klotok over to
the edge of the river so that he
can check the fishing line that he
had set that moming. A red cord,
tied to a tree, leads into the
brown waters of the river; Bapak,
still sitting in the klotok, pulls on
it several times but it is finnly
snagged. He smiles at us apolo-
getically, takes off his shirt, and
slips into the river. Hand-over-
hand he follows his fishing line
down into the river: first his
hands disappear tfider the sur-
face, then his arms and shoul-
ders, and then only his head
remains. He cocks his head back
and to one side tmtil all that is left
visible above the water are his
Aunt
standing
on drying
nee.
lips and the glowing embers of his cigarette. Quite
suddenly he emerges triumphantly, a hook the size of
an eagle's talon in his hand.
Bapak gets back in the klotok and we go home.
A girl in our village had been born disfigured. Her
name was Marisa, and she was about ten years old.
Her mouth was stretched into a painful grimace and
she could not speak: sometimes, in anger or in frustra-
tion, she groaned in a hollow way. I think that she
might have been deaf also, but it was hard for me to
tell. She distrusted me, as she distrusted all men and
boys, and she was careful to avoid us. She would not
even let me smile at her.
The other children taunted her mercilessly. I sup-
pose that is the nature of children, to explore both cru-
elty and playfulness at the same time. I think that
when I was their age I was equally heartless to thooe
of my classmates who had the misfortune to be born
overweight, or perhaps with a lisp. It is an innocent
cruelty, one that doesn't understand unkindness any
better than Marisa can imagine life without it.
I sit at the edge of the volleyball court, waiting for
my tum to play. Marilou, from Hull, sits beside me,
and beside her, clutching her hand, sits Marisa. Two
or three girls amuse themselves tonnenting Marisa.
Twirling their index fingers about their foreheads,
Little
Rianti, the
daugther of
my host-sister
Lena.
they taunt in her face "Bodoh! Bodoh!", meaning "Stu-
pid! Stupid!". Marisa tries to ignore them, but can not.
To their glee, she swings a ptmch at one of them but
misses, and the girl dashes away giggling. The girl
returns to screw up her face in imitation of Marisa.
The taunting continues.
Finally Marisa can no longer repel her attackers'
barrage of imitations and insults, and she slwnps, no
longer defiant. She is sobbing as best she can, but her
sobs are choked inside her, unable to escape from her
imperfect voice-box and contorted mouth. Hunched
over, she buries her sobs in the folds of her dusty fl0-
ral-print dress. Her back heaves, and though I can not
see her face I can see the dark trace of her tears among
the flowers of her dress.
The children, satisfied that they had broken Marisa,
left happily. A point was scored in the volleyball
game. We continued to sit there. Everything was just
as it had been before, as it had been all Marisa's life.
Tod.1Y our vilt At' Oood( 1. Wlll'O T gol \IP n\\ riwr
was severa) t'ntim ,t 'J"S d 'P in tl1(' w.\lk in fnmt of
our hou ' '; by J1(xm children wcrt' c,\nocing b ollr
doorstep. The house wh J ' Mmilou .md Mien' Ii ' l', ,)1
th' far end of Ihe illaA" <)Ire.ldy I\,)d .) turrellt
through it, but .)11 the oth 'I' houSt'S, whi ' h ,11'1,' fX'rdwd
on wcxxkn stilts <l ml'l.l.'r high, Wt'l\' fine.
r mel Marlin and we walked to M,)riJOll.1l1d Micn":-;
house. The area around Pak Jal11,lt's houst, aln'ildy
had a good fool of waler in tht' walk. We w. Jed
through it ex itcdly: ) had n v('r b ' fore (Ivd in a
flooded iUe.el.
r came home to cat breakfast, then wat hed the
water from our porch. The waler was ft) ing all tJw
animals out of their holes. Th ' whitewash xi ft'IlCl'S
were alive with columns of ants of aU descriptions.
Occasionally a lizard would run along the (<.'net', skirt-
ing approaching people nervou Iy, leaping into thc
water to avoid them, if necessary. Later in th' day
Siska held up a larg water snake on th tip of a pad-
dle so that I could see it. Jt was two metres long and
was as thick as my calf. "Eats fish", h told me. "You
won't die if it bites you", she added, but there wasn't
much chance of that- the snake was dead. 1t had
been ensnared in a fishing net and drowned. It had a
beautiful black and brown skin that was lwnpy with
all the fish it had swallowed. We ate fish a1so-lots of
them. The nets, which had been empty for weeks,
were heavy with river fish. I guess they were confused
by all the new terrain When the afternoon turned into
evening, and long into the night, the village cats vocal-
ized their growing alarm.
The fields were flooded so the day was a holiday
for everyone. At midmorning I went over and joined
the children playing in the water. They had brought
the prahus (canoes) and dugouts up into the walk,
and rode up and down the village in them. A boy
would stand in the prow, leaning back on the painter
as if the prahu was a wild horse out of control. Three
One big,
happy
family -
my hosts.
Doli, Erni, and
Bapak onthe
river, returning
from Ladang
or four young children would sit in the canoe, and
then one of the older children would run along, push-
ing the canoe from behind. Back and forth went this
procession for most of the day. Other children per-
formed flips, somersaults and cartwheels in the water,
landing on their backs with an enormous splash and
peals of laughter. And everywhere I looked there
were a water fights.
In the afternoon the water was still rising. By watch-
ing its flow in the street one could see that this was
true. It did not rise monotonically, but rather cyclically,
inching upwards for several minutes, retreating a less-
er amount, then continuing its advance. The river
flowed strongly beneath our house. I sat on the floor
of our house with Ibu and helped her cut cassava
roots, onions, and other vegetables for dinner. We
chatted about the flood; she seemed curiously
resigned to whatever might happen. It floods like this
every March. Some years it is bad and some years it is
not
ow, at five o'clock, it begins to shower again, but we
don't know whether the rain is just local If it is local it
won't affect us much. If it rains north of us, where the
river winds through the mountains, we may be in
trouble. Ibu seems more concerned, and she is prepar-
ing to move all our belongings into the sleeping loft of
our house.
It is hard to believe that just six weeks ago we were
in a drought. Our garden- spinach and two new
varieties of beans--- withered and died. The river was
barely a stream then, and its level fifteen metres lower.
Klotoks couldn't navigate down it, it was so shallow.
There were a few days when there was no way to
leave or enter the village, except on foot along the river
bank. All the Canadians became sick; the water, a
trickle in the riverbed, had stagnated. We boiled all the
water we drank, but we still had to wash in it. My
family, accustomed to the water, all stayed healthy,
but the skin on my legs and hands developed sores,
full of pus, that festered and spread.
He was the smallest man I had ever seen. At least he
had been the smallest man: a wet spot in his back left
your finger sticky with blood, and life had left him.
They brought him to me, to show me this curiosity.
His arms were raised. as if to shield his face from a
blow, or the blinding beam of a light; his legs were
skilmyand long, and, in the last moment of his life, he
had stretched them out as straight as they could be
made. The little man lay in the undignified nakedness
of death.
For the size of his body he had enonnous eyes: two
protruding marbles in a head the size of one' s fist. Big,
brown marbles, full of surprise, a black dot at the cen-
ter of each. The pupils were different. One was normal
and looked ahead glassily. The other was twice as
large and stared off to the side in a distracted gaze in
which pain and terror still lingered. His fingers and
toes looked like a tree frog's, with an enlarged pad on
the tip of each. His longest appendage was his tail,
longer than his long legs even, and turning into a tuft
of soft hair at its conclusion. I held him in my hand, a
doll; I had never seen anything like him before
He was as fast as lightning they said: in the blink of
an eye he would leap ten feet across the forest floor.
He only came out at night- that's why his eyes were
so large- and he could bite. "But does he bite ?" I
asked. "He can bite", they replied. ''Shot with a pis-
toY', they said proudly. Can't be eaten- not enough
meat on him. So I froze him, froze him in the evil day-
light of my camera's flash.
I awoke at five-thirty, and went down to the river.
my last morning in the village. It was still dawn's frag-
ile twilight, and mist from the sluggish water was the
ether of the moment. I washed, and the river's cool
water splashing over me added to my melancholy.
Sitendi, my brother, came down to the river to wash
also. By the time we were done, the sun's rays were
forming an orange smudge on the clouds. Bapak
emerged from the mist, padclling up the river from
the ladang. He goes thee early every morning.
I packed my bag hurriedly; the day before I had
given my family most of my clothes and the pack was
nearly empty. My family came to help me pack, but
we were all pretty quiet. I forced some breakfast
down, and Sitendi took my pack to the kIotoks that
were waiting for us. People began to walk past our
house on their way to the kIotoks. Soon Martin, Mah-
mud, Ati, Janice, Jonathan and Brata Yuda had
walked by, and Sapto and I were the only partidpants
left at home. The farewell became inevitable.
Small talk evaporated, and Sapto and I said good-
bye to each person in our family, one by one: Sitendi,
Magen, Lena, Emi, Meni, little Rianti, Doli, Bapak and
!bu. Only Sapto and I did not cry though I don't know
why. I think I put the thought of leaving the village
out of my mind. Bapak buried his face in my shoulder
and looked away, tears in his eyes. Then I had to say
good-bye to !bu, this incredible woman who had
become a second mother to me. I felt I could not
breathe, that I would not survive. Somehow I left the
house.
The village had congregated near the kIotoks. There
was a blur of good-byes confused in overwhelming
emotion, but faces and thoughts remain: Budeman
hugging me for the millionth time, his face looking up
at me with his enormous grin; seeing Mimi crying,
then losing her in the crowd and never saying good-
A waterfront shop on the river.
Siska
and
Batry
bye to her; Siska, with baby Batry sitting on her hip;
my white-haired grandfather striding purposefully
down the village walk towards the group. Over and
over again I said good-bye to my family.
Then I was following the steps cl10pped in the log
that ran down the river's embankment to the where
the kIotoks waited. Behind me was the village, and I
was scared to turn around, scared to see these faces for
the last time. But I did, I looked back up the embank-
ment to the walk, cmd there they stood, all seven hun-
dred people from our village, waving and crying.
Then I cried, and felt nothing but sadness. When, if
ever, would I walk up this embankment again, I won-
dered.
J boarded one of the kIotoks. In addition to the par-
tidpants several people from the village were going
with us to Muara laung. The Kepala Desa, th head
of our village, sat with us, and the kIotok left. It wa
headed the wrong way, down river, and it had to tum
around. It did so in big sweeping tum that brought us
by the village one final time. Time stopped, and we
faced. the village, no longer a part of it.
Then there was a violent splash, and we looked
around to see what had happened. Our Kepala Desa,
who was not going to Muara Laung after all, had
leaped from the klotok, and, still wearing his green
and black polo shirt and a baseball cap, he was swim-
ming a strong front crawl against the current and back
towards the village.
The village didn't have electricity, it didn't have
running water; they were subsistence farmers, and
most had never been far from the village.
DearlW,
We, the non-members of N.E.A.C., have felt a need to say something about all the
TOOL bashing that has come from members of the Engineering Society. Unrelenting
criticism has been unleashed on anyone who mentions the words ''TOOL'', "Engineer-
ing" and ''Tradition'' in the same sentence. We would like to ask the people who
have been making these criticisms to stop and think for a moment.
Tradition in Engineering does not always conjure up the old notion of
the male-dominated, beer-drinking fools that engineers have been
portrayed as in the past. For some of us, tradition represents high
standards of excellence in all fields of Engineering. It stands for
pride in what we do, and in what we have aax>mplished. Without
engineers, society would be back in the Dark Ages. It is the tradition
of raising standards of excellence to new levels that makes us proud.
The TOOL is a symbol of all of this. It is the proud mascot of the
Water100 Engineering Society, and is recognized as such nation wide. The
TOOL is still an excellent symbol of Engineering in today's increasingly
complex technological world. A wrench is a tool that is used to apply a
mechanical torque to an object, much like in Engineering, where we apply our
mechanical knowledge to what we are doing. (Plus, it's harder to chant "FLOPPY
DISK, FLOPPY DISK!') We are proud to honour the TOOL and show it respect,
however we do not worship it like a god in any sense of the word. Irs just a mascot -
GET OVER IT!! We honour it by choice, and we make a conscious decision of our
own free will to do so. A person who weighs all the factors, considers the a1tematives,
and then decides to go "through the same door as all the others" is not necessarily
making the wrong decision. One does not need to choose differently from the majority
to have made a well thought-out judgment. We do not go blindly into a room because
someone told us to; we choose to do so of our own accord.
Remember to be proud of who you are as an engineer, and how important each of
us is to society!
LONG LIVE THE TooL!!
Definrtely not N.E.A.C
Why do the editors of what was once a fine publication refuse to print an article by
NEAC? Is it because they do not believe in people voicing their opinion but not
revealing themselves? We think not. The editors have printed several letters not
The articles about Q.Eng and other homosexuality issues were very enlightening. I
am a Canadian and am East Indian by origin. Unlike many of my fellow Indians on
campus, I have had the opportunity to spend a large part of my life in India and I have
a fair amount of knowledge about gay-bashing and related issues in India. From one
point of vifNv, the people of India may be a little cruel towards the gay community,
as in Canada. Most gays in India have never come out of the doset.
Unlike in Canada, however, gays in India are not looked upon with
hatred, they are merely mocked, like coloured people are in Canada.
When I carne to Canada, I experienced culture shock, but Canada,
which is my country rKJ./II, has a lot to offer and is one of the friend-
countries around the globe. I have never regretted coming
In India, the words "girlfriend" or 'boyfriend" are some sort of
taboo, although a few people do have so-called ''premarital relation-
ships." The common Canadian saying, 'Why buy the cow when you
can have the milk for free?" cannot be used in India, because there rt would
be, "It you want the milk then bloody well buy the cow, because you ain't
getting any milk for free." This does not mean that all guys and gins are virgins
until they marry; there are always exceptions.
Very few people have the privilege to enjoy premarital sex because sex is defined in
India as an "urge to procreate." Gee, I wonder what was behind the population
explosion in India? But, like every other human being, Indians too have the urge for
more than just procreation. As Boy George puts it, ''When people around you think of
sex as a means of procreation, rt is very to explain homosexuality to them. I
have even joked about it, that I have been trying for a long time but nothing happens."
(Quote from Boy George's MuchMusic interview where he talks about the Indian
culture and its uncommon traditions. Boy George happens to be a Hare Krishna
devotee.)
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay, and gays should be free to
express themselves. Young straight people are so homophobic that two people of the
same gender cannot be seen together without experiencing rude comments about
being gay. I feel that homosexuality is not the problem in our society, but homophobia
is the problem. If we can get rid of homophobia within ourselves, we can get rid of the
hatred against homosexuals. People should mind their own damn business and let
everyone be the way they like.
Any of my remarks are not to offend anyone, and if they do, I apologize for that.
bearing any names, so the reasons must be something else. The reason as we see If the author requests it, the submission can be printed anonymously, but only for
it, is that the editors are a bunch of whiny, anal retentive assholes that print only articles very specific reasons. These are usually limited to letters or articles which might
that serve their politically correct agenda. You do not represent all sides of the cause personal repercussions against the author, such as "Message From the Ooset"
arguments fairly. Is this because your arguments will rr=====================;J'm the last issue, and the supportive response we
not stand up to debate? Probably. !received this issue. We do even this very reluctantly,
.. . the editors are a bunch of understand that homophobia in this case is very
Non Existent Action Committee
We don't exist. Therefore we have no names.
Get the hint pinheads!
whiny, anal retentive assholes real, and that the authors have a legitimate fear that
their articles would cause them grief if their names

Now, when a submission comes in from some unknown individual (the NEAC
Fairness, Anonymity and
other such noise
Martin Zagorsek
Editor-tn-Chief
Q
Pit the higher profile the IW has enjoyed this term, we still receive all too
w responses to articles that we print (we shouldn't complain, in some past
terms the IW didn't receive any.) So when a letter in support of the tool
arrived, responding to various indirect criticisms that have been levelled at it, I was
overjoyed to actually have something from the other side of the debate that was intel-
ligent and well-written.
Unfortunately, the author somehow forgot to sign his or her name. Whether this
was an oversight, or whether they felt that their arguments were so weak or poor
that they didn't want their name associated with them, is something I'll never know.
Maybe they're just shy. The point is, we received an unsigned, anonymous submis--
sion, which presented a problem.
The Imprint, along with just about any other newspaper I know of, requires all let-
ters to be signed by their authors, even if they are to be printed anonymously. There
are various reasons for this, both legal and ethical, but that's not the point of this arti-
cle. Put plainly, no responsible publication will accept and print a completely anony-
mous submission. They must, at the very least, know who wrote it
letter was hand-delivered by a kind gentleman in a fine-looking black hood .. .hey, I
was even tempted to ask him for his phone number) and is credited to some
unknown (non-existent, to use their words) organization, the above criteria for
anonymity hardly apply. Not only is there no reason for the submission to be anony-
mous, but I can't even be sure it comes from the organization that it says it does.
Hell, someone else could just as easily come along, submit a letter saying the tool
sucks, and say that it was from NEAC.
Having said this, I did decide to go ahead and print the NEAC submissions. TIle
pro-tool letter went in despite its anonymity, simply because it makes a valid and
well-argued point, and especially because it's an argument that appears quite rarely
in these pages. The reason, contrary to the accusations, is much simpler than any
scheming, secret agenda the IW staff might have: no-one ever writes it. It is very easy
to get any opinion printed in the IW: simply sit your ass down and write it, and
SIGN YOUR FUCKING NAME to it I'm quite confident that my own arguments
will stand up to debate, and that's why my name appears on the byline of this piece.
If you believe in what you say, do the same. Anything less is cowardice.
We have worked long and hard this term to make the IW a serious, professional,
and entertaining publication. The IW is, to our knowledge, the only engineering
paper of its kind in the country, and is widely read by many outside of our faculty.
The feedback we have had so far has been overwhelmingly positive (with a couple
of notable exceptions,) from students, faculty and anyone else who has read it I take
this to mean that we are on the right track, and I really hope that the IW never slides
back to the depths it has seen in the past (hey, I LIKED Chainsaw Ralph, this just isn't
the place for him.) I know I'll keep reading it even after I have gonef
'Twas fun.
Writing Skills
Darren Dickson
2A Civil
R
r those who were not aware, the Department of
Civil Engineering invited all Civil students to a
meeting on Friday, March 11. The purpose of
this meeting was to discuss the change in require-
ments for work term reports, and to give some "help-
ful" (?) hints on writing skills. I would like to take this
chance to express my views on what I observed for
the short time I was there. IT SUCKED!! I spedfically
said short time, because I left in disgust after 15 min-
utes. While I probably should have stayed, I did not
see how it would assist me in the future.
The meeting was run by a representative of the Fac-
ulty who initially told us that, due to the requirement
changes, we would be forced to shorten our reports
and make them more clear. Her first example of this
was to show us on an overhead a one line sentence
filled with acronyms. Telling us that this was totally
unclear to whomever within the faculty was marking
it, she then expanded it into about five lines using no
acronyms. After repeating that this was still useless to
anyone not familiar with the place of employment,
she once again expanded it to approximately ten lines.
This, she said, was the level of clarity required from
now on. The requirement appears to be shortening the
length of reports while increasing their clarity by
increasing their length? I must admit that the final
sentence did convey a much higher level of clarity for
anyone not familiar with the company's acronyms,
but this brings up the first point of this article: Who
are we really writing these damn things for anyway?
When pressed on this point by several students in
senior levels, (we never received a straight answer, at
least as long as I was there) several valid points were
raised. When we, as employees, prepare a report for
an employer, they do not expect locally used
acronyms or tenns to be spelled out in that report -
they are familiar with what they represent! As was
specifically pointed out to us at the beginning of the
session, our employers are very busy people whose
time means a great deal. Just as we are supposed to
cut out the meaningless words that served us well as
packing material in our OAC English course,
shouldn't we be cutting back on other useless words
and sentences explaining terms to people already
familiar with them? According to the Department of
Civil Engineering, we shouldn't cut out the extra
words, since they have to be able to read and under-
stand our reports in order to be able to provide us
with an adequate mark for our work
As I see it, there are few solutions to this problem of
trying to please both parties, and it's not likely that
both staff and students will be able to agree on one.
Solution #1: Write two reports, one for your
employers if they require it, and another for the Facul-
ty, that includes all the clarity required for the layman.
(But remember we now only have a total
of 15 pages to get our ideas across.)
Solution #2: Let our employers mark our reports for
technical merit and the Faculty mark for writing style.
Solution #3: Don't change a thing. Piss off your
employers by wasting their time with a Mickey
Mouse report that they can pull someone off the street
to read and understand, or jeopardize your chances of
getting another ph because the Faculty decided your
writing skills were unacceptable and they gave you a
"D" under the new marking system.
The second major problem unearthed by this ses-
sion is that we need help with our English. As Engi-
neering students at Waterloo, we have been continual-
ly told that we are the "cream of the crop" of students
entering university. ow it appears that we cann t
write a simple sentence. I agree! There are people in
my own class who cannot communicate coherently in
writing. Is a one-hour session supposed to deal with
this? I think that if that were the ca , n ne of u
would have needed the help ion - would
have picked these skills up by now.
I originally thought the purpose of th ELPE was to
separate those who were in need of assistance from
those who could already write with som degree of
ability. Oh how naive I was. I know of only on per-
son who has repeatedly failed the ELPE, compared to
a lot of people who passed on the first try but can't
write to save their lives. My friend, who failed twice,
is currently enrolled in a remedial English course
which has already shown vast benefits to his WIiting
skills, and he would be the first to admit it.
Aside from recommendations from professors, and
nailing those students who flunk the ELPE, I don't
know how the problem of catching those in need can
be solved. I do know that people who fail the ELPE,
or who demonstrate in their courses a lack of ability to
communicate in the written medium, should be
REQUIRED to take this course or some other course
that will assist them. Maybe we should all be required
to take a pass/fail English course in first or second
year. Hell, I could use some reminders of basic gram-
mar. Whenever I read essays written by myself or by
my classmates, improper uses of "it's" or "effect" and
"affect" as well as other basic rules are spread all over!
In dosing, r would like to state that r agree that there
is a problem, but are we really doing anything to solve
it? One student at the session expressed his disbelief
that he was in fact a poor writer, and if he was, that it
was the fault of the high school system from which he
graduated. I think everyone will agree that there is a
problem with our secondary education, but to place
the blame slowly on it will not get us very far. If
someone in Engineering has had a substandard edu-
cation in basic Calculus at the secondary education
level, they are not excused for doing poorly in their
Calculus courses, but are expected to w rk harder in
order to make up the differen in their education. 1
think that the same reasoning applies to English skills.
It is up to us, as prospective professionals, to increase
our aware!1ess of any deficiency and to act to correct
it.
?e oUe Worl(1<!-port
C&D:
HINDSIGHT
Stephen Kingsley-Jones
3A Electrical
Ai
er the last issue of the lW, th Dean called
Ron & m to his office and infom1ed us that
e was of the opinion that the only person
who could shut down the C&D was him and him
alone. Having attended several Food Services "stIate-
gy" meetings and having looked at the 1/ Agreement"
between the C&Ds and Food Services, J was definite-
ly under the impression that Food Services had
authority over us. I stand corrected, and gladly. I am
relieved that the Dean is willing to stand up for us
over this issue. As Dean, his role is often portrayed as
one who always says no, but in this case, Dr. Burns
protected our own interests.
Many questions and concerns arose after the last
article regarding the proposed stIategy for the C&D
was printed. One of these concerns was that a public
newspaper was an inappropriate place to discuss a
person's job future. There is merit to this point of
view.
I would like to assure everyone that the people
most directly involved in this restructuring were
informed of it the day it was brought to council, and
also informed that the proposal would be discussed in
the Iron Warrior. It was felt that complete openness
was the best policy in dealing with this issue, both to
ensure fair consideration of all pros and cons, and to
ensure that all interested parties were given the
opportunity to make contributions and criticisms.
To respond to some of the inquiries, I would like to
begin by clarifying one of the points that was ambigu-
ous in the last issue. Of primary importance is th
sugg( tion 1Th1d ' ~ 1 S t l"oSUC th..-ll tlw entin.' :.trllliure of
th > &D should be rt,vicw('(\ two ',lfS frum now. It
was sugg xi by some that thL., soundl'l.i like !>Cit
tive restntcturing. It i import<lt1t that this is..-,uc be
dcart>d up here in print. 111 reason behind thu sug-
g tion is to nsure th.1.l th &1 dOl'S nut follow i
historic path of random growth. SfX.'Cifk'ally, inmnsi
with this plan is th con pl that the &D's opera-
tions should not be left to th msclves, and that th 'y
sh uld be periodically review . It wru by no m ans
intended that we should "try" h ~ new tructurc and,
if things don't work ut, return to th CUJT('J1t tru -
ture.
Council has be n mandated to pursue tIt > impk.'-
mentation of this structure. If sigrUfica.nt chang arc
to be cont mplated in the future, it will have to be by
the same means: Debate, presumably at th roundl &
public level, revi w with the Dean & personn 1, a
motion brought to council, and so on.
I would like to thank all those who contributed
ideas, comments and criticisms of the proposal- uch
review is vital to providing the best service for Engi-
neering students.
~ ~ ~ ~ - ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Recession
Fighting Tip #3
Scott Dumville
2A Civil
P
r those of you who have not read the first two
Recession Fighting Tips, they deal with methods of
job creation. The first depicts how to destroy bridges
and other large structures, providing employment in their
reconstruction. The second tip describes how to hook
your class 011 drugs, in effect eliminating the competition
for existing jobs.
Both methods are tm.fortunately 110t perfect. Neither is
guaranteed to work, and both ha.ve mild legal repercus-
sions. The best way to find employment is to go to an area
which has a higher employment rate. Since we are in a
global recession, this is a little trickier than it might sound.
Leaving the planet might seem a bit extreme right now
to find a CO{)p job, but it'll seem much more reasonable
shortly after final exams finish, and you don't even know
anybody who got an interview. (For those of you who
read the last recession fighting tip, sorry to disappoint
you. This is not about assassination. Hey, I gotta keep
some of my secrets!)
The truth is that the job situation is much worse than
you think. I've found conclusive evidence that the co-
ordinators at Needles are really vampires! That's why
you never see them anywhere, they can't go into the sun!
rve been under Needles. It's a maze of catacombs which
goes on for miles and miles. I travelled through these tun-
nels, swam giant underwater rivers, and fought off giant
underground creatures whose very description would
give you nightmares for a week. Fmally you arrive at a
giant cavern where the co-ordinators dwell. Silently I
snuck in, keeping to the shadows, and I saw them. They
were gathered around a giant altar performing an
unspeakable ritual that involved Jack Nicholson impres-
sions and running at full speed into the walls, when a
mistimed anal chinook on my part drew their attention. I
barely escaped with my life. If they hadn't all been wear-
ing high heels I don't know what would have happened
tome.
Since I got back (from Needles, that is), I've been doing
some research. Sometimes after interviews, students
change. They leave for their interviews as relatively nor-
mal people, but by the time they come back they have
metamorphosed. The CO{)rdinators feast on the students
and the students return as blasphemous beings. Where
once they did all sorts of cool things (like boatracing), they
now say they have more important things to do than boa-
trace. As if there is anything more important than boatrac-
ing. These keeners are then the CO{)rdinators' agents in
the University. They are all hunting me. They follow me.
Nothing will get rid of them. Everywhere I go they are
there, but I'm safe, they can't get me. I've barricaded
myself in the Iron Warrior office. They've tried to get me
out saying that I've had four interviews, but I've seen
through their scheme. I just finished making myself a
batch of TNT (see Recession Tip #1), and tomorrow I'm
going to put an end to their evil before anyone else falls
victim.
Uh, yeah. Sorry. I get carried away a bit sometimes. So
now that Needles has been "remodelled", you definitely
need to get to a new job market. So how do you leave the
planet? I approached one of the world's foremost experts
on this, and this is the advice he gave me:
HOW TO LEAVE 1HE
PLANEr
1. Phone NASA. Their tele-
phone number is (713)
483-3111. Explain it's
very important that you
get away as soon as possi-
ble.
2. If they do not cooperate,
phone any friend that you
may have in the White
House at (202) 456-1414
to have a word on your
behalf with the guys at
NASA. If you don't have
any friends at the White
House ask for Bill or
Hillary.
3. If nobody at the White
House will listen to you,
phone the Kremlin (ask
the overseas operator for
0107-095-295-9051). They
seem to have a little influence with Bill, and may be
able to influence him
4. If that also fails, phone the Pope for guidance. His
telephone number is 011-39-6-6982.
5. If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying
saucer and explain that it's vitally important that you
get away before your phone bill arrives.
These methods are not infallible. If for some reason
NASA doesn't have a shuttle available, and the guys in
the space ships decide that you are just too uncool to ride
with them, don't despair. There are still several sources of
transportation which are available to you if you approad1
the problem properly. To leave the planet you pretty
much need a spaceship. I checked for other modes of
transportation but there are none that seem to be available
at this time. I talked to Paramount Studios, but it seems
that the Star Trek transporters don't actually work Life is
justfulJ of disappointments isn't it?
Now how do you get on a spaceship if NASA won't
just give it to you? Spaceships are available from several
sources; the American government, the Russian govern-
ment, and from Outer Space. To get a ride on a spaceship
is quite difficult but can be done if you are properly pre-
pared.
It is really difficult to get a job as astronaut without both
large bribes and lots and lots and lots and lots of training
Ouck). Besides, I think being an astronaut counts for c0-
op, so if you get that pb, there is no point in applying to
any further jobs. This leaves you with the unofficial meth-
ods.
There are several ways to get on board a spaceship
without actualJy being an astronaut. Astronauts are pretty
stylin' guys. You can sometimes hitch rides with them
just by going out on the runway and sticking your thumb
out. The problem with this is that the stiffs in suits who
are in charge of the launch usually get uptight, and then
you have the police and the news channels involved It's
just a big mess. Now if you assume that the astronauts
would have given you a ride if you had gone out on the
runway and stuck out your thumb, you no longer would
have to. You can take the initiative and get yourself on
board saving everyone a great deal of trouble.
There are several ways to get on board a spaceship but
most of them involve impersonation. You can pretend to
be a technician (maybe even an engineer), a worker load-
ing on supplies, or even an interior designer. Once you
get on board you can just hide somewhere until after take-
off. Then you can have fun with the astronauts by jump-
ing out at them with a knife and a hockey mask. They
love stuH like that.
Once you get out into outer space you have to ask them
to drop you off somewhere (preferably on a planet). Now
the really tricky part comes in: getting the job.
The Universe job situation is much improved from
Earth, but you still have to have certain qualifications to
get a job. Knowing how to repair a space drive is useful,
as is being conversant in more than 300 languages. How-
ever, since you are likely to have a limited background in
these matters, you may wish to display the skills which
you do possess. Believe it or not, Waterloo really does
prepare you for the work environment. Just not the Earth
work environment. There is a huge demand in outer
space for people who can program in Fortran, know
whether figure titles go on the top or bottom in technical
reports, and who can draft by hand. Good luck at your
new job!
Epilogue:
This is the last issue before the end of term and the
beginning of the work term. Many of you out there have
attempted one or more of my suggestions and still have
had no luck. What final advice do I have to give you?
1HERE ARE NO JOBS, DROP OUT! (More jobs for me.)
Labour of Love
Frente!
4.8974563
If you are a CFNY listener (or probably some of the
campus stations, but I can't receive them here) and haven't
been hiding W1der a rock for the last couple of months, you
probably have heard aU the hype ulTounding this band.
So, in the pirit of responsible journalism, I'm going to add
to it: 'Wow! Amazing! Drop whatever you're doing and
rush out and buy it!"
Fortunately, this band is deserving of the hype. This is
probably because more attention is coming from listeners
than from the music press, who are more interested in the
latest British Wunderband. (Suede? Blur? who cares?)
Frente! is a three-piece from Australia, although it's easy to
forget about two of them behind Angie Hart's voca1s. This
i n't to say they are superfluous, but
they do tend to blend in so well that their presence is only
forcefully felt in "Oh Brilliance," the final song on the 7-
ong EP. Also included is a W1ique version of "Bizarre
Love Triangle" and the current ingle "Labour of Love."
The only thing I have to complain about is the length of
the EP: it's less than 15 minutes long! I need more!
Colin
THE
COUNTRY WIFE
Scott DumviJIe
IW Staff
I1
.iS was my first opportunity to vi wa play at
the University of \ atcrloo. in the lc1st two
perfomlances I had had the opportunity to sec
w re Miss Saigon and the Phantom of the Opera,
both pcrfonllcd in Toronto, to tell you the truth I was
not expecting a very sophisticated play. From the first
few minutes on, I wa enthralled. The UW Drama
Departm nt's production of William Wycherly's The
ountry Wif wa very fa t-paced with nthusiastic
actors and a good audiencerelc1ti nship.
ll1e Olmtry Wife revolves around Mr. Homer, a
notorious, omanizer, who sets in motion a rumour
that h is a eWluch - a rumourthat will allow him
access to variou husbands' wi es. On wife, Mrs.
Marg ry Pinchwif , is naive and wlSChooled in Lon-
don's odal world of deceit a.nd hypocrisy and is,
therefore, a prime target for Ilorner's insatiable
appetite.
Homer, played by Roger Lem}(, , is the classic male
slut. Lemke perfectly portrayed a man driven by an
insatiable appetite y t who pretends to spurn all
women, causing their husbands to tru t him. At
times he established a rapport with th audience
whid\ thoroughly impressed me with his profession-
alism I sincerely believe that he thoroughly enjoyed
himself on stage, so strongly djd he convey that feel-
ing.
Mr. and Mrs. Pinchwife were the center of attrac-
tion. Mr. Pinchwife is an older man who was once as
Homer is now. He has cuckolded many a man in his
youth but is now married. As a result of his youthful
pastimes, he is now a jealous husband who resorts to
locking up his wife whenever he leaves the room.
Dylan Roberts stole the scene whenever he ventured
on smgE'. His fiery Scottish explosions, coupled with a
stag(' Pn'S( n< lh.lt ri ak I lh,)t of <1n llltlt I l1ild ewr
Slx'n, lent to il c,\pli ilting [X'rfon1),lI1 ' Mrs
Pin hwifl', play<.'ti by 1.(.',lI1na N,ls)), W,lS Ow pt.'1i t
Inal h for her husbtll\d. 11 'r p"rfonl1anrt' , s a COli
fu&''li untry girl "b.mdol1l 1 in c1 big tity was impl'C-
cabl '. Wh 'n slK' lookl'ti up .It Iwr bust:mu Wlth ht'r
doe Iii<! ' guild !s.'; h x' l'yt,,; and aSkl'lJ him to take h 'r
to anolh 'r play so that she mukJ look dt the pl\tty
playerrncn 50m' more, I though I would die Idugh
ing.
Th play covers a myriad of p 'orl ' who flow
through it in a grand confusion f d1<H t lCr.H tlCh con-
tributing to th ' . arne gm ral glc1mouroll ' ft.ding of i1
farce spinning wildly out of control just man.lging to
retain enough cohc iveness to maintain a 011 tant
stream of laughter from the a udj '!lce.
The COW1try Wif' was ex clIent, with a sion-
al performance by a finc group of actors and actresses.
1 now strongly regret that I had waited so long to
vi w ne of the Drama Dcpartrn nt's plays, and will
be sure to be present for the n xt.
The
Adventures
of
Moo the Cow
Scott Dumville
2A Civil
a
ce upon a time there was a cow named Moo.
00 was a rather large spotted mammal with
an inclination to produce loud ponderous
sounds which were so characteristic that she was
named after them. Moo was happy and lived con-
tentedly in a large barn. She had a friend called
Farmer Ted who came to see her every day, and a
large field of grass where she ate and wandered to her
heart's content.
One day she wandered too far into the field and got
lost. For several days she wandered searching for her
homestead. Finally after several exciting adventures
(that's another story) she found her farm. Or rather
what would have been her farm had anything still
been standing. The entire structure had been demol-
ished and the fields razed. Where once only she had
trod, dozens of construction workers toiled in large
machines.
Scared of all these people, Moo ran away and hid.
For months she avoided contact with the increasing
number of humans who appeared everywhere. Final-
ly it began to get very cold out. Moo sat in her hideout
feeling cold and miserable. She thought '1 can't take
this anymore! That is my horne, J will return
and claim it!"
Determinedly she plodded back. The sights
which she saw on her return voyage astonished her.
Acre after acre of com field and grassland had been
transformed into groups of large buildings, seas of
pavement, and other wondrous marvels.
Finally she arrived at the place where the ann had
been. There was now a huge building, bigger even
than the bam had been. The sign on it which read
'Vniversity of Waterloo."
She stood there with her mouth gaping, staring at
this monolith. She then heard a polite little cough
behind her. Turning around she saw a young human
with a curious plastic object in his pocket and a yellow
hard-hat on his head.
"Sorry to bother you,
door.
The student told her "Sorry about the long walk.
This is my laboratory here."
Moo was nervously looking around for gollywog-
gles and gave forth a short nervous sounding moo.
"Oh, worried about the gollywoggles eh?" said the
student, "Don't worry, they don't come into this part
of the tunnels."
He pulled a large metal key out of his pocket and
jiggled it inside the lock for a minute, swearing softly.
Finally there was a loud click and the door slowly
creaked open. Silently he lead
the way inside. The room was
but you're blocking the
entrance," he said.
Moo, being a cow of
above-average intelli-
gence, mooed back a polite
reply and shuffled out of
the way.
Say hello
a mess witll beakers and large
banks of electri cal devices
everywhere. Moo stared in
rapture. She had never seen
anything which even vaguely
resembled this.
to ...
Suddenly the student was
"Say, " the student said,
"You are a pretty cow
aren't you? How would
you like to help me out?"
Chainsaw Ralph
back in front of her holding a
beaker. The beaker contained
a bubbling bluish liquid which
Moo, naturally disgusted at this suggestion put
forth a very negatively phrased moo.
"No, no, not that kind of favour!" The student
explained, "I am developing a serum which will
increase an animal's intelligence for my 400 course.
Unfortunately, it is as yet untested. I don't think that
ther would be any harmful effects to animals. Are
you interested?"
Moo carefully considered this suggestion. There
seemed to be nothing to lose. She had no home,
nowhere to go. With a high intelligence she stood a
much better chance of overcoming the language barri-
er and discovering where exactly her friend Farmer
Ted had gone. She decided that she would go for it
and gave forth. a mighty affirmative moo.
The student became excited and led her into the
building. They walked through passage after passage
and Moo became aware that they appeared to be spi-
raling downwards. The lighting grew dimmer and
dimmer, and the air warmer and more moist. She
began to get nervous, for she had heard tales of cows
who were cownapped and taken to the middle of the
earth where the gollywoggles dwelled. [Gollywog-
gles are small earth dwelling creatures which are
renowned for their ferocity. They dwell deep within
the Earth and thrive in the darkness there. They are
carnivorous and have big fangs.] Finally, at the end of
a long barren passageway, they arrived at a large iron
was spewing forth white gas.
"Drink this," he commanded.
Looking at this discusting looking concoction, Moo
was beginning to have second thoughts, and nervous-
ly backed away. "Oh no, you don't," said the student.
With that he grabbed Moo's mouth, forced it open,
and poured the vile liquid in.
Moo was suddenly filled with the feeling of all her
molecules expanding at the same time. She panicked
and exploded in a flurry of movement. The student
was caught unawares and thrown back into a cabinet
of chemicals where he crumpled in a heap.
Moo felt her mind clearing, as if it had been cloudy
before. The sensation was unnerving as she felt new
realms of imagination being spawned within her
mind. Suddenly she heard a noise. Looking over at
where the student had fallen, she saw him lying in a
fetal position. His skin appeared to be blistering and
peeling off. He let forth a mighty bellow and rose to
his feet.
Where once an innocent university student had
stood, now there was a stick figure which emanated
evil. Death emanated from every pore of his body.
With a deep resounding chuckle he said, "Hamburg-
er, you have the unfortunate opportunity of being the
first to meet the newest student at the University of
Waterloo. Say hello to ..... G-IA.INSA W RALPH"
Moo let forth. an alarmed moo and backed out of
the room. Breaking into a run, she bolted down the
hallway. Behind her she heard the whine of a chain-
saw ooming to life and felt a deep primeval fear.
A crazed laughter joined the chai.nsaw and Moo
broke into a run. She turned around a comer and
bowled over half a dozen small creatures \vith giant
fangs. They tried to grab her, but they were too late.
She was through the gollywoggies in an instant and
gone before they oould oolled themselves.
She heard behind her a deep sarcastic
voice resonate through the hallway:
"What is this? Cabbage Patch
Vampires? It doesn't matter!
othing can stop Chainsaw
Ralph!"
This was followed by the sick-
ening sound of a chainsaw rip-
ping through flesh mixed in with
desperate screams. at waiting
around for the conclusion, Moo
finally burst out of the tunnels into
a brightly lit hallway. Wi th her
heightened intelligence, she realized
that Ralph wouldn't be oontent with a
few gollywoggles - he would wreak
havoc upon the entire university. She
couldn't allow that to happen. It was her
fault that he had been created.
She couldn't allow him to hurt
tiger bellowing forth a mighty roar.
Giving ili tiger a wide berth. she finally arrived at
ilie dais in ilie center of the room. On it was a pile of
wonderfully oolured pillo". itting cross legged on
them was a man who radiated a sense of pea and
oontenlment. She knew iliat this man could be none
other ilian James Earl Jones.
James opened his eyes and gazed at Moo. "What
can I do for you, my child?" h inquired.
Moo tried to utter a warning, but all that
can1e out ,vas a moo. M let out a moo of
fru tration at the language barrier.
Jam said "Peace, Moo. low down
and tell me acHy what i amiss. It is
OK I understand."
So Moo told him ilie \i hole story from
the begiIU1ing. She included the anger
she felt at losing her home, her be\ vildcr-
ment at seeing ilie university, and finally
her fears concerning Chainsaw Ralph. She
had just finished when udd nly a chain-
saw sprung to life behind her.
She hlrned around and sure enough,
iliere was 01ainsaw Ralph. Hi chainsaw
was now a dull red colour and his face bore a
sickening grin.
"Hiya Matilda, you're just in
time for supper/' Ralph
others. She had to tell some-
one, but who? It takes more than
sneered, "but first, Dean Jones, I
would like to take this chance to
The Dean! He would know commend you on the fine job
what to do. In her passage
through the hallways, she had
heard other students dis-
cussing him in hushed tones.
He was a brilliant administra-
tor, they had sai d, and he
knew many things. One per-
decapitation to stop
iliat you have done as Dean of
the University. It will be a plea-
sure to follow in your place.
The will be mine."
James Earl Jones
With iliat, he rushed forward,
his chainsaw giving for th a
mighty roar. There was a sick-
ening sound of saw cutting son had even said that he
knew everything. His name was .. . now she remem-
bered! JamesEarIJones!
Now all she had to do was to find him' She deter-
minedly set off down the hall. On the wall was an
arrow with a legend undemeaHl which read: Dean
Jones -TIUs Way. Resolutely she followed the sign.
111e halls began becoming larger and more extrava-
gant. Wall tapestries were hanging up depicting
scenes of serenity and peace. The rugs became
brighter and thicker, and fewer people were in the
halls. Moo marched down the hall and can1e to a sec-
retary seated at the side of two huge brass doors.
"May I help you?" asked the secretary, to which
Moo mooed an affim1ative response.
The secretary looked up from the sheaf of papers
which she was a look of concem etched on
her face. "What? There are no cows allowed here!
Shoo cow, go 'way."
Moo gave forth an impatient moo and sauntered
past the secretary to the doors.
"No, you can't go in there without an appointment!
111at does it! You leave me no choice, I'm calling secu-
rity!" bellowed ilie secretary.
Moo knew that iliere was no time to reason with
the secretary, so she pushed the doors open wiili her
head. She slowly trotted in and looked around. The
room was ilie largest iliat she had ever seen. The ceil-
ing was so high that you could see douds drifting
inside. The opposite wall so so far away, iliat it was
only a blur. Giant pillars oovered in omarnental carv-
ings disappeared towards the roof. Moo slowly
began walking towards a giant stage located in the
middle of the room. Everywhere she looked were
more wonders. Here iliere was a river of water lazily
babbling through the room, over there was a giant
through flesh and ilien a chilling whirl as the saw bit
into bone. A huge splatter of blood poured forth, col-
lecting in a pool on ilie ground. The chainsaw mixed
with the even more horrific sound of Chainsaw
Ralph's laughter. Finally it was over and Chainsaw
Ralph slowly turned towards Moo holding James Earl
Jones' head.
"Time to do your MacDonald's impression, cow./I,
Ralph said.
He began to saunter slowly over and Moo finally
broke out of her panic (lnd fI xi. be mshed through a
curtain at the far exit. Behind her she hean.] lhe rha in-
saw becoming m re distant. h tUl11ed around clnd
almost had () heart attack. James Ea rl Jones's h ad
was floating in the air behind her.
"Don't worry." said James, "I'm OK. Ju. t missing
my body iliat's all. It takes more than decapitation to
stop James Earl Jones. Now I need your hlp. W
11ave to stop fue saw-wielding maniac."
Moo stared at James and uttered a oft moo of
agreement. James ilien told her his plan.
'There is a chamber on your left where we tesl ou r
frosh week equipment. If you go into the control
room beyond iliat you can use the equipment against
Chainsaw Ralph and brainwash him. All we hav to
do is lure him in the testing room."
Moo caught onto the plan right away. She inhaled
and let out a thunderous cha1lenging moo dl1d poised
herself outside the door to the chamber. Suddenly
Chainsaw Ralph appeared from around the hallway
comer.
"It's all over cow. 111ere's nowhere to go. No more
running. Say goodbye" With these words, Ralph
began advancing.
Moo dashed into the room. At the far end was the
door iliat James had told her about. All she had to do
'Nas make it through there dl1d ffip the switch and she
was set. Sh broke into a run for ilie door and sud-
denly lost her balance. The exhaustion from the day's
activities finally took over and she skidded to a stop
onh ride.
he looked up and there was Ralph right
above her. he felt an overwhelming Volf";\n_
11 - oome over her. She had been so close, yet
till I. t.
uddenl , James burst into ilie room. Hi head was
on a robot's body. He looked at Q1ainsaw Ralph and
aid 'There can be only one!"
the two drew togeilier, Moo got on h r feet and
ran the last tvvo feet into the control room. There on
ilie wall was the witch. he bumlXxI it with her head
and felt ilie lights grow dim. loud . lam resonated
from the other room a the protectiv iron doors
slammed shut coverU1g all entranCt'S. Moo looked at
the control board. Even with her ad an eel knowl-
edge, h had no idea how to set it up. Finally she
found ilie behavioural patten1S board and arbitrarily
pu hed some random switches and pressed start.
An eeIie hum cam from the oilier room for several
onds, th n the iron doors slid back open. Moo
peered u1Side.
EPlLC:X;UE:
Chainsaw Ralph suffered permanent psychological
damage and never regained his raging bloodthirsty
maniac position. Henceforth he was known as Flower
Planting Bob.
James Earl Jones retired from being Dean of the
University, saying iliat now iliat he had no body he
felt that he should get in touch with his roots. He
never regained the use of his body, but the damage
from 01ainsaw Ralph to his robot body was repaired.
He later joined ilie Iron Warrior in his current position
of icon, cover boy, fearless leader, and censor.
Moo the cow later becan1e Dean, a position where
she remained for many n1any years. Finally one day
he just disappeared. Some say that late at night if you
listen very closely you can still hear a distant moo res-
onating through ilie hallway.
ng
-- - ---------------
Sasha Papayan;s
2A Systems
a
y, so I was a little stressed for awhile, but
hen all was said and done, everything went
okay.
The source of all this tress was TaJEng, which took
place at the Bombshclter on Saturday, March 12. TaJ-
Eng featured a wide variety of acts, ranging from
acoustic to magic to good old fashioned rock In' roll.
John Campbell and Andy Blan were the emcees for
the evening. Andy entertained us with some impres-
sive magic and John, well, Jolm kept us pretty enter-
tained by being himself.
The evening opened with an a capella set from
some 4B Elee students. (So maybe it was just one 4B
EIee student and a blU1ch of his buddies, but it was a
great set just the same.) Bad Ohmen was followed by
House of Pork. No, this isn't a typo, they were caJJed
House of Pork. HOP combined flute, guitar, vocals,
and drums, perfonned by Terry Wu, Mabel Lai, and
Andre Carrington. Ruth Uy and Jolm Faber followed
with a beautiful rendition of the "Rubber Chicken
Song". Hopefully we'll be hearing about more rubber
animals from them in the future. Ruth and John were
followed by the Frank and Friends portion of the
evening, which featured Frank Babic and his buddies
jamming away. a particularly liked his 'Women are
Smarter", but maybe that was just me .... ) The next act
fell into the acoustic category, featuring Andrew Mur-
phyand Dilan Singaraja strumming away on guitar.
Cowboys from J Tell decided against starting a line
dancc, and instead featun..>d th evening's only mosh
pit. Malibu Stacey follow xl with a great set of origi-
nal songs. I'm sure you'll be seeing more of these
guys in the future. (I'm sure there's another article on
them in this issue somewhere. You'd almost think the
band had friends at th JW or somcthing ... ) O.A and
the Boys had some tough acts to follow, but they did a
fantastic job all the samc. Weird Systems was a collee--
tion of Systems students perfonning favourites sud1
as Don McLean's "American Pie". The final act
before the evening was turned over to the BNAD con-
sisted of Steve Firth and Trevor Earner. They were
pretty, urn, entertaining. (enough said .... ) The
evening then closed with a solo set by Ben Coulson
followed by the BNAD, who rocked the Shelter with
their R&B tlU1es.
Overall, the evening went well and everyone
seemed to have a great time, even though I found it
somewhat disturbing - seeing all those iron rings on
stage was really starting to annoy me. I only hope
that I'll have the opportunity to be as obnoxious
when I graduate. See you atTalEng '97 ....
Dating, your Love Life, and C++
Mark "G" Alexander
1B Comp Eng

are mysterious. Some are bright and interactive; others, like

sleepwalking through a minefield. Some make you green with envy, others
. make you tum green. How is it that this problem has never been solved?
It has occurred to me that people living more than five years ago simply did not
have the tool which would I ad them to the solution: C++.
Many of us have heard about the power of Object Oriented Programming. It is a
very convenient way to model the world by defining "objects" which have charac-
teristics and behave like their real COW1tCrparts. Whil ideal for computer programs,
C++ has missed its true calling: the solution to the perfect relationship.
With the birth of C++, we can now use the powerful "class" structure to represent
these complex natural phenomena. No longer must we wait incessantly beside the
phone, search for the perfect word, or fwnble around in th dark! Using a program
based on the object Love, we can calculate every aspect of the relationship before it
happens!
To begin, we must firsl define the Love class. (Others may argue that we should
start with the Lust class or the class but let's try to simplify things for
now.) The initial variabl definitions are as follows:
class Love
public :
protected:
private :
public: :
private:
I ;
//due to the nature of the object ,
//declare as an abstract class
double attraction;
signed messages ;
long near *conversation;
long far *telephone;
long sex;
union soulmates { long relationship;
int soull , soul2; j couple ;
void love_stares (int hours , int minutes , float mind) ;
friend long time(char isma, int egrity) ;
Love() ; //Construc or
-Love () ; / /Destructor
int imacy() ;
virtual void loss_of _words (float far *away) ;
Unfortunately, tllerc is a difference in men's and women's opinions of the "ideal"
relationship. Problem? Not a chance. We'll simply define two more classes, class
Boyfriend, and class Girlfriend, which inherit the base class. (Follow? If not, it
means that Boyfriend and Girlfriend will have all the cl1aracteristics of class Love,
plus some specific characteri tics.) So here's a general declaration for both
Boyfriend and Girlfriend:
class Gir1friend : pllb] ic Lov //Girlfriends under 16 may
//have 0 be declared as
public :
) ;
/ /"pro ected"
double tdke;
int er sting, elligent ;
long legs , hair; //short legs, hair
//depending on preference
inline char acter _figure () (
return(sizeof(X));) //specify X to liking
class Boyfriend: public Love
public:
} ;
struct urally_firm (double pecs ;
int ense strength; ) body ;
register int erest_and sensitivity;
enum ber(char email_addresss(lO]) ;
111ese must, of course, be customized to suit individ ual need . Depending on the
programming style, output can be quite good (mak sure to make extensive use of
comments!)
I'm sure at this point you must be thinking that tlUs whole setup is too
ideal - and you're right. All too often viruses will sneak into your program
and modify it. These insipid viruses will add variables SUUl as volatile short
temper , static long relationship, const antnag, long far separation,
interrupt long sex (double embarrassrrent) and float cash. Make sure you
continually debug.
Please note that relationships don't just happen; something creates them and
something destroys them. Hence the use of the constructor fw1ction LoveQ; and the
destructor function -LoveQ;. Getting to know someone and dumping them has
never been easier!
Fmally, to make your program complete, simply declare the names of your girl-
friend or boyfriend and voila! You have them. As an example:
Girlfriend Sally_Jane;
Boyfriend Bobby_Joe;
Some additional tips:
(/And you can even declare multiple
//girlfriends and/or boyfriends!
Watcll for errors such as "Too many warnings", ''Expression is too complicat-
ed" or "Function must be declared with no arguments". Warnings should also
be heeded, such as "Code has no effect", '1nitialization with inappropriate
type", or "Unreachable code". These can sometimes lead to fatal errors and
cause the program to completely lock up.
If you have a problem, see one of tlle many Object Oriented Problem Solving
Interpreter Experts (OOPSIFs) wandering about campus.
If you want a more active and interesting relationship, try multiple inheriting
Boyfriend or Girlfriend with Love as well as one of the following: Atllletics,
Arts, Drama, Lust, Workplace, Guns, French_cuisine, Rock_bands, etc.
If things are running error-free, you may wish to develop the Husband and
Wife class; however, beware: these dasses have complicated subroutines, SUcl1
as
long monogamy(double commitment)
and
do (
u_take- > (this-> manlwoman)
=4* (sickness&health(though , .. . )
}while (! death) ,
which are difficult to implement.
Of course, I'm just a simple programmer (not a psydl010gist), not terribly both-
ered by society's nit-picky little ramblings, so if you disagree with me, you most
likely live in the real world. 111at's about all the guidance I can give you, so happy
programming. (And, incidentally, if you put as mudl effort into understanding this
as I did, give me a call and we'll car pool to the relationship support group together.)
\ Arl- Up l
',+\oy
:;(ow to be
Chris DeBrusk
4B Systems

is a new magazine testing the waters that flow w1der the infor-
. mation super-highway, and while the may be ambiguous and
obscure, the magazine is fresh and inspired. If you look carefully in
bookstores around Waterloo, you might find the neon-laced cover of the lat-
est issue of Wired.
It is published in a third-floor loft in the dty of San Francisco by a couple of
newcomers to the magazine market and was pawned from Electric Word,
a publication devoted to language systems and voice recognition, and a
Dutch men's fashion magazine.
While its beginnings might bring on questions as to the content, a quick
flip though an issue will quickly dispel them. Wired hit newsstands in Janu-
ary of 1993 with a major feature on "virtual waf' and the way in which the
U.S. military uses simulation to prepare for combat. The latest (March) issue
contains articles that range from an examination of the history and culture
surrounding M.UD.s, to an informative and well-researched examination of
intellectual property law.
The articles in this magazine exan1ine the effect that the creation, sale and
reproduction of information can have on individuals and society. The inter-
net plays a large part in both the culture and the identity of Wired, to the
extent that the authors of each article typically provide their e-mail addresses
in addition to a traditional byline. The magazine is type heavy, but this is to
be expected by a publication that concentrates on the concept of information
as a mediwn to social change.
Wired is almost a cross between a computer magazine, Harper's, and a
graphic design jownal. The layout is non-standard and changes from feature
to feature and issue to issue. This isn't to say that it is tacky, but rather that
the Wired staff keep the visual content of the magazine as varied and as
interesting as the literary content.
In a refreshing cl1aJ.1ge from most mainstream magazines that adjust their
content's intellectual level to the majority, Wired seems to have no problem
mixing in the technical aspects in enough detail to satisfy even those who work in
the information industry. This decision is probably due to their target audience:
Surveys of the standard Wired reader show that their average age is 35, with many
in the 18 to 24 range. Average income is $85,(XX) a year whicl1leads to some interest-
ing speculation as to the career potential of one who chooses to subscribe to the
magazine! In addition, over 40% of its readers have graduate degrees and 75% are
For those readers who missed the March issue of Wired, there is an
exrel1ent opportunity in the magazine fur those interested in the Internet
in general, or specifically in the legal issues that S1.l.I1'(JI.Ind virtual mility
and infonnation Bruce Sterling has placed the complete text of his ta'ellt
book 1HE HACKER CRACKIX>WN: Law and Disorder on the Electron-
ic Frontier, on the Intemet as literary freeware.
Mr. Srerling would like it to propagate and disbibute itself as far as par
SIble and invites anyone who wishes to get it off the net to do so. The book
.is a well written acoount of the aackd.own by the legal forces in the United
States on Phone Phreaks and Internet Hackers in 1990.
The Secret Servia? raided the homes of a number of IEenagers and com-
puter professionaJs who were operating in computerized switching sys-
tems of the Baby Bells, and AT&T mainframes, that didn't belong to
The book should be of interest to anyone who regularly or occasionally
trades information over the Internet or a parallel national and international
computer network. The hacking stories are rather entertaining as well.
The.file is available by anonymous FIP at:
ftp.eff.publPublicationslBruaLStedingIhacker.aackdown
in management or own their own businesses.
Demographics aside, the magazine is entertaining and well thought out. The fea-
tures are informative and well written and won't leave those with extensive com-
puter experience shaking their heads in disgust. It is, however, rather difficult to
find. Locally you could check w.H. Smith in Westmount Mall, or barong that you
will definitely find it at the K-W Book Exchange in downtown Kitchener.
Activities
Books &
Maps
WIN A TRIP FOR TWO TO HONG KONG
The Follow the Guides
Contest is now on and
we've added a little
extra ... $500 extra!
Sponsored by:
Cathay Pacific
Some Other Biggies
And Us!
March Specials
Whatever I feel like that morning!
lonely planet Frommer 's
Let's Go Foder's
Audubon Peterson
Can" Find Us?
- Find Waterloo Town Square
- Look at the big "K" in the K Mart sign
- Tum around!
1 0
0/ Sli ldl!nt
/0 Discount
'ExcllJdes fO(XJ mops and chorts
104 King St. S. , Waterloo, Ont. N2J 1P5 (519) 7462369
-Official Canadian Government map agent
Co-op Staff; Dedicated Job Finders
Or Incompetent Fools?
David Lander
3A Electrical
W:
e the actual answer depends on who
you're talking about, there are many things
which we as students can do to improve
our co-op system Most importantly, we must pro-
vide feedback. We must let the department know
what works and what doesn't. 'This is what SAC (Stu-
dents Advising Co-op) is all about. SAC is a student
organization whose purpose is to bring students' con-
cerns to the attention of co-op staff. We want to make
a difference.
One of the best ways for students to affect the opera-
tion of the co-op department is by attending SAC
open forums. The March 16th forum was an excellent
opportunity for US to air our concerns and learn more
about the system.
For example, one of the more recent issues is the fil-
tering of resumes which we place in the drop boxes.
Math program administrator Randy Klawitter (NH
1028) is involved with this issue. He has stated that
resumes will be filtered only when necessary to pro-
tect a job. For example, some employers receive more
resumes than they can possibly read and have
requested that co-op prescreen the resumes. SAC feels
that if an employer requests resume filtering, it should
be indicated directly on the job posting. Co-op has
agreed to this policy.
Another big issue is the online access system which
is currently being developed. We have been promised
computerized access to job postings and interview
schedules. Dave Thomas (NH 1007) is responsible for
this project. He has stated that the system will be
implemented in three stages. The first stage should be
UIC
For anyone who may be unemployed this coming
work tenn, here is some useful infonnation about
unemployment insurance that may affect whether or
not you qualify.
Under the current legislation, returning to school is
not considered "Just Cause" for quitting your job. I
don't know why, and neither do the people at Cana-
da Employment Centres.
To ensure that you have a chance of qualifying (in
the Toronto region I believe 16 weeks of employment
are required), make sure that your last employer indi-
cates that you were working for them on a four
month contract, and that you would be out of work
regardless of wheilier or not you returned to school
If your previous employer has already marked your
Record of Employment with "Return to School," you
will probably be disqualified from receiving benefits.
If you were in fact hired on a contract, an appeal of
this decision will probably rectify fuis, but make sure
that you indicate to the officer that you were on a con-
tract, and that the ROE is incorrect. If you can get the
employer to correct the ROE before applying, this will
be even better. Apply as soon as you are out of school
and available for work. There is a two week waiting
period during which you will not receive any bene-
fits, starting from the date on which you apply.
ready next month. It will pennit online viewing of
interview schedules. Stage two and three will
become available over the upcoming semester. They
will allow online viewing of jobs postings and other
information. Useful features will include th ability to
execute queries. For example, we will be able to gen-
erate a list of all Senior Electrical jobs in Toronto.
Major co ts for implementing tl1e syst m include
the salaries of five full-time programmers and about
$30,001 in hardware costs. Interestingly enough, Co-
op does not actually have a budget for the program
They did not do cost estimates or set pending targets
at the start of the project. They simply pay fue salaries
of people involved until the work is done.
As you may know, the implementation of the
online system is many months behind schedule. 1 feel
that much of the delay has been caused a lack of
upfront planning by co-op. They have changed tl1eir
requirements quite often and fuis has frustrated the
programmers. For example, in coming up with the
'new' placement system which we now have, co-op
flip-flopped on continuous placement and other
issues. The programmers received different informa-
tion each time.
Other topics for discussion included co-ordinators,
office staff, contract hiring and the honesty of the
placement statistics. Co-op has some excellent co-
ordinators (Cathy Jenkins and Scott Davis) and some
great office staff (Sandra Steinman). Unfortunately,
there are others who are downrigl1t pathetic. 0' d love
to name names but I do want this thing published.)
SAC is going to be disbibuting a survey to determine,
among other tl1ings, what students think of their indi-
vidual co-ordinators. Currently, each faculty has a
program administrator to whom the faculty's co-ordi-
nators report. Program Administrators conduct annu-
al perfonnan revi ws and work out job de elop-
ment objectiv for each co-ordinator. I feel that this is
insufficient. I would like to see an award for top c0-
ordinators a w 11 a som sort of a pay-for-perfor-
mance ystem to motivate the rest. Find more jobs
and you make more money. eglect job de elop-
ment, piss off students and employers and you get
twfed.
Over the ne t f w y ars, we may see significant
hanges in th operation of th co-op department.
Three high level p taff members including the
director and two program administrat rs are leaving
and will be replaced. According to the interim di.rcc-
tor, Bruce LWl1bsdon (NH 1013), a reorganization of
ilie current faculty based departmental tructure may
be in tlle cards. If you want to get involved tl,en SAC
wants you. Is ues which have been addressed by
SAC over the pa t semester include peer resume
counselling, online access and ilie preparation of a stu-
dent survey. Your engineering SAC reps are David
Lander (djlander@electrical) and Barbara Smith
(b3smith@Systerns) If you have any questions or com-
ments, feel free to contact us directly or through tll
SAC boxes located in the Orifice and in Needles Hall.
Remember co-op is here for you if you feel iliat
someone isn't doing a good job, contact SAC or set up
a meeting with someone like John Westlake (NH
1011). He's the Program Administrator to whom all
Engineering co-ordinators report. emember: th
squeaky wheel gets the grease. You can't steal second
with one foot on first, so take action, get something
done.
Graduating Class of 1994!
Dave Morton
1994 Plummer's Pledge Campaign Chairman
s=
unds pretty good doesn't it? In just a few
weeks we'll be graduating, going out into the
L world. The past five years have been filled
willi plenty of work., projects and exams and now it's
time to put all fuis knowledge we've been acquiring to
use. We can also depart assured that we've made the
university a better place for having been here. I'm
referring to our Voluntary Student Contributions and
the important difference iliey have made. Education
funding continues to deteriorate and the University of
Waterloo will require our help to enable it to continue
to excel
In the Plummer's Pledge Campaign, fourth-year
students are asked to pledge a set amount of money
for the next three years. However, you don't have to
donate until a year after graduation. Funds from the
Campaign are invested in the Waterloo Engineering
Endowment Foundation, where they will continue to
help Engineering and Waterloo. Many of the equip-
ment you use every day was purchased by alumni.
The Campaign is named after a student, Paul Plum-
mer, who died while in fourth year.
111 ampaign goal for lhi" y 'M Iw. lx,'n S( l.ll $60
(XX). La t yC<lr the umpiJign llliS('(} $,.1)6145, whill'slu-
dents gradual in the middle of c1!,( III J'm SlIJ'l.'
we m do even iter. Individual p,uticipation
total will b al uiated and the winner will bt'
announ ed. Wat h for a parli ipation In 'I<'r Ilmr
POETS. Th> Dean of Enginl'Cri ng, I . [ avid Bums,
has agreed to host a free lun h on Morch 29
from 11.30 to 1. at Fed 11al1 for all th who make a
pledge. You may tum in your completed pledge
cards to the secretary, Betty, in the Engineering Society
Orifice or at lh WEEF office. The Campaign nds
Friday, March 25.
The Plummer' . an opportunity
to cantin e hat,-We WEEF.
Wffve 'lilts - . nhibu-
tions so upport is
just anot r u 0 Water-
100 grads.
As I walked off the plane
into the immigration and
customs line, I could smell
the hot, dry air of a place
where I'd not been in a
very long time. Yet, I felt
like I'd finally come home.
A Voyage Home
Piyush Bhatnagar
3BSystems
E
dia is a country which, despite its many prob-
lems, has a vast collection of riches to offer. History
nd culture dating back thousands of years can
teach you of a time and world which has been all but
forgotten. From the beautiful beaches of Goa, to the
base of the mighty Himalayas, India's diversity is
truly its greatest treasure.
I went back to visit last fall. It was the first
time that I went back alone. It was the first time
that I went back all grown up. I didn't know
what to expect, but was ready to take the good
with the bad . My family comes from the
province of Rajasthan, known as the desert
province. When I went to visit Udaipur, the
home of my grandmother when she was grow-
ing up, I expected to see sand and feel dry
winds everywhere. That was not the case. For a
desert, this place sure had a lot of water. There
are several lakes which are scattered throughout
the city and its surroundings, making it seem
more like a tropical resort than a desert.
Udaipur was named after its founder, Udai
Singh, who kept the Moghul Empire at bay dur-
ing his life. Udaipur is the only city in India
never to have fallen to the Moghuls. Along with
its history of fierce battles, it is also known for
its distinctive architecture. Painstaking care for
detail was taken in the carving of every stone
and in the planting of every garden. The main
City Palace has a fourth floor arbour eden which
has trees that are over a hundred years old, yet
the location of their root systems remains neatly
hidden. Looking at the structure from the out-
side, you could never guess that there could be
such a feast for the eyes within. It was tradition-
al for each member of the royal family to have a
distinctive room which catered to their particu-
lar interest. My favorite room was the Mahara-
ja's Room of Glass. Every portion of the room
was made with various coloured, opaque and
transparent glass and mirrors. It was an incredi-
ble sight from floor to ceiling.
A recent addition to the areas where tourists
are allowed is 'Sahelion ki Bari' - 'the garden of
the girlfriends.' This is a gorgeous area where,
until recently, only women were allowed. It
was a place where noblewomen could go and
were free to play and sing and dance without
having to worry about acting 'proper'. It was
only a few years ago when the Indian govern-
ment decided to make this place a tourist attrac-
tion and open it up to the general public, which
of course included men. Still, there are a few
days a year when the garden reverts back to its
original form and allows no members of the
male population within its gates.
Now I know that India is over 10,000 miles
away, but most of you have probably seen a lot
of Udaipur. If you've seen 007's Octopussy,
then you've seen this city. Most of that film was
shot in the surrounding foothills and in the Lake
Palace. This floating paradise is hundreds of
years old and has now been converted to a high-
class hotel with access only by boat. The only
people allowed in the palace are either royalty
or paying guests, no loiterers or general tourists
are allowed.
I had many destinations on my itinerary, but
Udaipur and the Rajasthan region were definite-
ly my favourite. I do have to mention my sec-
ond favourite sight, though - the Taj Mahal.
Located in Agra, the Taj dates back to the 16th
century. It is the tomb of the Moghul Emperor
Shah Jahan and his beloved wife Mumtaz
Mahal. Shah Jahan loved his wife more than
anything in the world. When she passed away,
he was devastated. He became a recluse in
Agra's Red Fort from where he directed the con-
struction of a monument to Mumtaz Mahal. It
took a total of 22 years to complete the Taj.
Over 20,000 Rajasthani men and women worked
to build this regal structure. At completion, the
Muslim emperor had the hands of all people
who were involved with the Taj cut off. He did
this to ensure that another Taj could never be
built. The Taj Mahal is made of white marble,
24K gold, and many precious gems. Its true
beauty can be witnes ed every month when
there is a full moon. The location of the tomb
can be pinpointed for mile by the glow that
is produced by the moonlight hitting the
white marble. It is truly a ight like no other.
In 1971, during the India and Pakistan war,
the Taj Mahal was completely covered by
tarps to en ure that it would not be bombed
during night raids. Sitting in its gardens and
on its steps, I was overwhelmed by the Taj's
beauty. Walking inside and seeing that the
entire dome is hollow made me realize just
how difficult constructing something of this
magnitude actually was all those years ago. It
was certainly a humbling experience.
I chose to go to India in the fall for two rea-
sons. The first was the weather. The mon-
soon season is over by the time October rolls
around and the temperatures feel like hot,
Canadian summer days (whatever that
means!). The second reason was to be in
India for Diwali: The Festival Of Lights. This is
the biggest day of the year for people of the
Hindu faith. This day can be likened to an
Indian New Year. Diwali's significance is that
it was the day that Lord Ram Chandra
(Prince, and later King, of Ayodhya) returned
from a 14 year exile from his home. This day
is filled with prayers, food, festivities, and
firecrackers. After the dinner, everyone goes
into the streets or onto the roofs of their hous-
es and lights up the night sky with rockets,
and bombs, etc. Houses are filled with diyas
(clay lamps with cotton wicks and clarified
butter for fuel) lighting up every room and
corner. These are then used to light the fire-
works which will fill the night with light and
sound, usually until about 3 or 4 a.m. For me,
this was only my second opportunity to cele-
brate this day with my relatives in India. I
thoroughly enjoyed myself, and it was a night
I will never forget. Everyone in the entire
neighbourhood, and your family of course,
visits everyone else one by one, bearing gifts
of sweets and warm feelings. You sit and talk
and eat until the latter makes the first two
impossible to continue.
Everyone seems to be in the spirit of the
season. The biggest difference that I found
between India and North America was that
the spirit didn't last just through the festive
season. It was the same all the time. No mat-
ter how much or how little people had, they
were always willing to share. No matter how
little a piece you get, the love that comes with
it i enough to feed the hungrie t p ron.
They understand _omething that ,,'e a Torth
Americans have either forgotten, or ha\' e
never had, and that i that life i too short not
to have fun and feel good. The averag Indi-
an citizen may not have a much materiall, as
the average Canadian, but the ' do have what,
in my opinion, has a greater value - happi-
ness. What I did not like wh n I was there
was seeing the influence that the We t has in
the big cities. When I go to another country
to travel, I expect to ee and exp rienc the
culture of the land. What I found in Delhi, for
example, was far too many B n tton shop,
Ray Ban dealers, pizza joints, sa tellite TV
dishes, etc. Now looking at it from the point
of view of progress, it is great to have all of
these things entering the country and making
it a place whose standard is now reaching the
same level of developed countries. The down
side is that the more influence that the west-
ern media and materialism have on countries
such as India, the more the characteristics
which people like myself fall in love with ar
systematically eliminated. People outside the
country are now realizing that India is cur-
rently the largest untapped market in the
world. Pizza Hut and KFC are each opening
80-100 restaurants across the country.
Visiting a third-world country after having
lived in a first-world country all your life, you
have to make sure you are in the correct
frame of mind. Yes, you will see people beg-
ging. Yes, you will see dirty sidewalks. Yes,
you will see rituals which are completely
alien to you. Then you have to ask yourself,
'Why am I here?' If you're the type of person
who sees a half-empty glass, then you'll see
the bad. If you're the type of person who sees
a glass that is half full, you'll see the good.
The latter is the attitude you should have.
You travel to experience and learn about oth-
ers as well as yourself. If all you're going to
do is whine about what you don't like,
DON'T GO!! Then again, maybe that's some-
thing in itself.
I hope to visit the country of my ancestors
again sometime soon. I love learning about
how different people are in other parts of ur
world. The only thing is, the marc) Jearn
about the differences, the more I r alize that
we're not really that different at all.
They understand
something that we
as North Americans
have either
forgotten, or have
never had, and that
is that life is too
short not to have fun
and feel good.
THRILLS, CHILLS, & KILLS
The Story of Invincivil's Rise to the Top
Usha Elyatamby
2A Civil
W:
mter 94 Scunt had a
great turn out -
NOT!! Out of thirty
classes only three teams had what
it took to show. But for the people which
did make it, a lot of fun was had by every-
one. There's a simple reason for writing this
article and that is that we won the Scunt.
Scun t include:
For those of you that don't know who
we are, then let me remind you. WE
ARE INVINOVIL!!!!
Some of the highlights of the
SLURPEE BOAT RAONG
Close your eyes and imagine yourself sitting at a
boatrace: an eight oz. glass of warm 50 sitting tantaliz-
ingly in front of you. There is no fear. You know
what to do. Now you open your eyes, and instead of
the beer there is a 12 oz. glass of the world's coldest
beverage, 7-11 slurpee. And you have one second to
drink it. Needless to say, no one can out boatrace
INVINOVIL, no matter what the beverage. Give us
beer or motor oil, it's all the same to us.
VOLLEYBALL
What is there to say about volleyball. We had our
Oakleys. Unfortunately it was night, so we lost.
HOT OllCKEN WING EATING CONTEST
Our favorite mathie Reg carne close to kicking some
tail feathers.
FOUSEBALL
Two nets, plastic bats, a volleyball, and lots of snow.
Not a game for artsies.
BOSTON CREAM DONUT EATING CONTEST
The Boston Cream donut eating competition
involved only two people while the rest of us watched
from a safe distance. These delectable delights were
washed down with our favorite Waterloo tap water.
Those who partidpated know that it was not a pretty
feeling afterwards - Sasha? Skinner?
ASSASSINA nON
There were bodyguards, targets, and assassins but
to my knowledge, no one got killed ..... Where's lCE-
T when you need him? This event had no relation
with the assassin game that took place from MarchI3-
18 in the Engineering buildings.
BEST PICKUP LINE AT FED HALL
The title pretty much says it all. Our competitor,
Rob Bambino, decided that the best way to a
woman's heart was the "direct method", which
involved a mixture of Fed Hall dance beat and
CAL YIN KLEIN. Can you believe that we lost? Oh,
and Rob would like everybody to know that his nick-
name, Bomber, has nothing to do with his pickup abil-
ity.
lRICYCLE RAONG
The wind whipping by your hair, adrenaline
pumping in your veins, eyes bulging out You want a
rush? Drive a Harley. You want a real adventure,try
a tricycle.
TAPING CONTEST
Ever been stuck on something? How about a wall?
AIR BAND
Yo motheri"'@&%er! Its time to bust a rhyme!
When it comes to rock and roll, nobody thrashes like
Invindvil. Pouring out the hardcore rap, we gave an
in-your-face cover of Public Enemy. You know what
I'm talkin' bout. A big YeeHaw goes to the Stompin
Tom impersonator.
KARAOKE (KURT COBAIN SlYLE)
It was a beautiful night. The m.oon was out and
there was song in the air. Too bad the singers had
crackers in their mouthes. Actually there were a lot of
crackers in the air too.
LATE NIGHT
As the night wore on the contests continued. From
skill testing questions such as ''Who Has the Biggest
Feet?" and "Who Has the Biggest Nose" to the
improvs, everybody was kept moving. I woke up
from a little nap in time for the improvs (at 5:30 in the
morning), to catch everybody making a total fool out
of themselves. Naturally I thoroughly enjoyed this
event. Some of the highlights included a song about a
dog and a lawnmower by our team (congratulations
Cory) and a lB gal who tried to impress the judges
with a rendition of the Little Mermaid song. She
moved quite a few .... out of ELlDl.
ROADTRJPS
Quick highlights of the Toronto road trip: Invindvil
was the only team to make it to the judges in Toronto.
Out of the many high points of this trip, some of the
main highlights included the Tim Hortons drive-fum
where \';e bought Timbits - one for each time through
the drive-fum. The climax carne when we captured
Keanu Reaves on film. Keanu Reaves plays Ted in
Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure (the guy with the
dark hair). Anyway he's Canadian and making a
new movie in Toronto. We snuck on the set and
helped out.
For those of you (all of you hopefully) who want to
partidpate in our Scunt next fall we will gradously
provide you with tl1e secret to our success: Margaret's
Pot and Chris's gut.
Chris, Mike K, Nathan (*#1?), Mark T (lB Civ), Rob,
Skinner, Darren, Margaret, Tracy, Berto, Chuck, Rick,
Mark P., Cory, Amy, Reg (Math), Lisa (1B Mech),
Mark S., Frank, Jim, and Mike S. - Thanks for show-
ingup.
Last but not least, thanks to FYSH for the great
Scunt.
Waterloo Engineering
En do wrnen t Foundanon
Reinvestment Strategy
(excerpted from ScotiaMcLeod proposal- prepared by Justina Klein)
Asset Base: $ 1,500,(XX)
Invesbnent Objectives:
Primary - Income and Preservation of Capital
Secondary -Capital Growth
see Asset Allocation and Portfolio Charts
Rationale for Invesbnent Otoice:
Cash - Current cash yields are not high enough to warrant a cash position, partiru-
larly in a tax sheltered account.
Fixed Income - A position in fixed income vehicles can provide safety, balance,
and liquidity.
Equities - Conservative Canadian equities can provide capital gains as well as safe-
ty and diversification. Aggressive equities, both Canadian and International,
may provide above average growth.
Economic Assumptions:
Europe is about one year into what occurred in Canada over the last three years.
As still-high European interest rates drop, stock and bond markets should shine
in the next couple of years.
South East Asia will continue to emerge and grow economically. No one is pre-
dicting the explosive growth of this region to end any time soon, but with many
markets overbought, investors will need to be more selective.
Latin America has all the elements in place for a pan-regional economic boom -
low cost labour, a young population and an abundance of natural resources.
Portfolio Recommendation
Rate 0' Return
4.23 6.54 14.62 15.2 11.16
new fund
8.87 11.81 42.17 23.88 16.37
10.58 21.32 31 .12 7.41
new fund
THE. ADVENTUR.ES OF nnDrv7
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And order WQS reS+Ot"ed.
"Mommy! LooJc whaf was
aftoc.hed to my brain!"
John Campbell
3A Civil
President Elect
a bit
E
conceiVable! I was acclaimed prez! Who'd a thunk it? I'd like to a give a big
thanks to everyone who applied for directorships. Check out your name in lights
. O'H foyer. Here's wishing everybody good luck on your finals, and I hope
you enjoy the next 16 months as much as I do. But let's not forget that we're here to
learn how to think like engineers. And if all else fails, read the instructions.
know as the term moves on.
Will Teron
VPF Elect
3A Civil - XSCIV
W
ell, I guess it's official now, I'm your
new VP-Finance for the next 16
months. It's not really clear who I
should feel sony for: EngSoc or myself. I'll let you
Fll'St of all, I'd like to thank everyl:xxiy who came out and acclaimed me but let's
make sure that it never has to happen again. Secondly, r d like to thank everybody
who submitted applications for directorships and congratulate all of you on the posi-
--------------------------=-----1 tions that you received. Next term's directors look like a really slrong group and
ryHeaves
Sw
kinner was unavailable for com-
ent this week. However, if he
were, he would probably have
mentioned something about improv-
ing the spirit within Engineering - Ed.
therefore we should have a great term. A number of the positions look different
from how they have in the past; this is the beginning of the new and better EngSoc
0Ne hope!!!) that can better deliver the services and events that everybody is looking
for.
Since we, the new executive, only get sworn in at the last EngSoc meeting this
term, Wednesday March 23, no formal duties have been perfonned yet Not that we
are not working, we need to pass 3A Ovi1 first (the term from hell) so that we will be
here in the Fall. All of the new executive have been busy trying to get a firm grip on
our new-found responsibilities and allow the current executive to get back a real life.
So far it seems that the four of us can get along and shouldn't rip eadl others heads
off until at least mid April.
In terms of th plans that [ha I.' for lh ' 11' t 16 months my two prim,uy gtl.lls.\1
to see that th restructuring of th &D g . clhead SO (IS t ) pn...><;CIW th \ b(. t SCrv1(
possible for everyone and to computerize illllh (inane:-s. ' 111l' t
program is creating a lot of heat - J want to hear lhm hl ,It so wl1m c1 tl('W program is
ultimately implemented it i.! the best program pos1 ibl' clnd th.11 it h. S cOJ\.sJd 'J""(Xi ,,11
options. The current proposal is just a proposaJ; no fin.l1 d 'isiOlts have be 'n impl
mented. Please com and talk to m and voice your opinions. TIl' Orifice has pur-
chased a software packag that can manage all the Finan but due to tim n-
straints, the package is not in usc yet. It i my plan to Mve th's p" k.1ge in full ltSC by
the time we get back in the Fa ll.
Good luck to everybody on finals (God knows we'll need it) and sc > you in Sep-
tember. If anybody has any comments, please get in touch with me. My e-mail
address is wgteron@civiJ or contact me over the work tcnn, I'll be working at Con-
estoga-Rovers here in Waterloo.
Later
Will
VPF
P S. Remember this Friday (March 25th) is the EaT at rom. Bar Services will
start at Bpm and Malibu Stacey will be playing a couple of sets later on. Hope to see
you there!!!
..
W
ell, it's finally here. The last spew. I
cannot believe how fast the last sixteen
months have gone. But, I'll get nostal-
gic later.
First of all I have to mention a few people's
names who deserve a pat on the back for the great
jobs they did. First of all I would like to thank our
Arts Directors for pulling off the most successful
TaJEng I've have ever attended. I think I speak for
veryone when J say it was worth the price of
admission a10n ! Oh yeah, it wa free. You know
what J mean. TI1ere is a lot of work tl1at goes on
behind the scenes that most people never see, for
this I thank roth Kscnia and Sasha.
The next congratulations is for our Bus Push
Committee. Saturday, Marcl119th was the dat of
our annual Bus Push for K-W Big Sisters. We had
over about a hW1dred people out, including Big
and Little si ters, pulling that big yellow school
bus from outside P.O.E.T.S. aU ilie way to Market
Square in Kitcl1ener. The trek took us about tw
hours and was incredibly productive. We will
have raised $5(XX}-$6(XX) for this wortl1while cl1ari-
ty. That will urpass last year's total of about
$4(XX). Of course, $3014 of it was due to the exem-
plary efforts of on Jason van Dyk in FYSH. Just
like most of our events, the work done to put
something togetl1er of this magnitud is incredi-
ble. If you were out on the 19th tell the committee
members (i.e. Scott, Chris, Jamie, & Charlie of
Shock Therapy, and Ann of FYSH) members how
much fun you Md. Oh, and by the way ... anyone
involved in the making the time I spent taped to
the wall a reality, I WILL GET YOU!!!!!!
Anyways, I guess this is it A lot has happened

the time of this writing I am just recovering from the paranoia I developed
because of the assassination game. I actually found myself looking over my
houlder a few times! To my swprise, I actually survived the entire week!
Apparently I was at death's door when someone assassinated my would-be assassin.
Hopefully next time I will have more time to actually collect some kills myself. Well,
enough smalltalk. On with the big news!
The decision has been made! Ancillary Fees have been set at $24.% per student per
term and will go into effect for the Fall '94 term. The FEDs were successful in obtain-
ing a student majority on the committee that will decide how ancillary funds will be
spent. To help that committee spend this money wisely, the FEDs have created a sur-
vey which is available to any Waterloo student. You can pick up surveys in the Ori-
fice. Completed surveys can be returned to Betty in the Orifice. Please return any
completed surveys as soon as possible.
Every term the President gives awards to Directors or other individuals who have
made exceptional contributions to the society. This year the President Award goes to
Sarah Anderson, Mario Bellabarba, Caroline Brabrook, Jason Van-Dyk, and Martin
Zagorsek. Sarah and Caroline had an especially arduous tenn as C&D directors, and
their patience and perseverance certainJy merit an award. Although Mario was offi-
cially the Off-Stream Rep, he took on many other responsibilities, such as CRO and
the organization of the Assassination Game. Even though the Iron Warrior was
severely short-staffed this tenn, Martin dedicated the time to put together an Editori-
al Policy to serve the paper in the years to come. Jason was not a director or a class
rep, but he single-handedly raised over $3(XX) for the Bus Push, an effort certainJy
deserving of a President Award. Thanks to all of you, and congratulations!
I'd like to thank everyone who got involved with the society during my term of
office. The last sixteen months have, at times, been a real trial, but they were always a
lot of fun. Being so close to the end fills me with many mixed feelings - relief that the
hard work is over, regret that it is over so quickly, and sadness to be leaving the heart
of a society that means a lot to me. .
Good luck to the new executive. And to all the people who have yet to get
involved, well, it's never too late. Sign up now!
Ron
since we became executive men1bers of the Engi-
neering Society. It was sixteen months ago when
we took over. 111e last little while seemed like it
would never end, but now, at the end, it seems
like no time has passed at all. I know I'm respon-
sible for making some fun and some not so fun
things happen. I hope that the latter are fewer in
numbers, of course. Most people say that if they
had it to do over again, they wouldn't change a
thing. Not me. I would change a few things. I've
made some mistakes, and I wish I could change
them, but I guess that's one of the hazards of the
job. I would like to thank Steve and Ron for doing
th jobs that they did. It's been fun guys. I would
like to give Mark a special tl'lanks for coming in at
the last moment and taking off some of the pres-
sure that would inevitably have come our way
11ad there been only three of us. All in all, this was
a great experience for me. I've made friendships
that I know I'll have for a long time to come. I've
also lost a few along the way. Like I said, I guess
it's part of the job. All I know is that next tenn is
going to be great. I think I'm going to like being
Speaker. I get to spend money without the
headaches. I wish Skinner the best
'outta here!!!!!!!!!
Piyush
m
ellO! This is, I expect, the last time I will have the opportunity to ,,,,rite a VP-
External column for the IW, and I really wanted to make it a beautiful essay.
\veIl, it's 1:35 am, so I think. that I will just hope for coherence!
I stepped into the job of VP-ExtemaI without much pri':>r experience in EngSoc.
My involvement included class rep, eRO and recycling rep positions. ot even a
directorship. However, was no other person \NiI.ling to do the job, so I _ t pped
up and was gjven the opportunity by the rest of the "old" e"\:ec to fill the position. It
has been a rewarding experience. I became much more active in. EngSoc activities
then I ever have been in the past, and I would have gotten even more involved had it
not been for having 6 courses this term. It did take a lot of tim during the week to do
my job - in the neighbourhood of 15-20 hours a week, and some of the
activities that would have usually been run by the VPX had been taken over by the
other exec members before I carne on board. The reason that I am saying this in my
spew is that I would like other people to realize how accessible EngSoc is and to give
people some idea about how it works.
More involvement from students in Engineering is vital, and I belie e that if pe0-
ple have info about how EngSoc works, they will be more interested in getting
involved. Greater involvement is an important part of what the new exec hopes to
accomplish in the next 16 months. I hope to help by being a director in a new direc-
torship called "Electronic Services". This service should be in place next semester
and will allow us all to check on what is happening during the semester, and also
provide other details about EngSoc by having infonnation regarding the EngSoc
mandate, directorships, exec positions, the constitution, EngSoc meeting minutes,
and the EngSoc services. I believe that this is an important step for EngSoc because it
easily gives every person the opportunity to see any kind of infom1ation that they
might be interested in, which isn't really possible right now. I mean, everyone in
EngSoc will help describe EngSoc activities, but if you don't really know someone
else in EngSoc, or someone isn't available, it can be difficult even to know what is
going on. Also, other information like the constitution and directorships can be diffi-
cult to get your hands on. I will be working towards making all of this accessible.
Watch for it!
My thanks go to Graeme Skinner and Trevor Baine for the well-run Shadow Pr0-
gram, and also to Maevan Chin for a successful Explorations event. About 1000 kids
and parents trooped through Engineering on March 12, and everyone really enjoyed
themselves. Well done!
And lastly, I would like to thank all of the directors I had the opportunity to work
with.
Well, I hope that I haven't forgotten anything. Its been fun all, and see you in the
Fall. Have a great work term.
Markus
P.S. On the work term, you can reach me through e-mail at markus@io.org
Darrell O'Donnell
VPX Elect
XSCIV - 3A Civil
E
6:31 a.m. and I just woke up from a 15 hour
coma that was caused by my damn 300 project. I
ve messages sticking to the bathroom mirror,
people need to get a hold of me, and now I have to
spew.
I've been running around like a chicken (yeah, a
rubber chicken) with its head cut off. The 3A Civil
workload is insane, and we've had to figure out who
gets what directorship. We've filled almost all of the
directorships and we tried our best to give people the
ones they wanted but obviously that didn't work, it
was impossible.
Will phoned me last night and told me that I had to
spew since it's my dvic duty as your VPX. Well, I
immediately looked up the word "spew" in my dic-
tionary since I figured I could fill a few lines with
some pointless drivel, so here's the definition:
Spew: 1. To vomit uncontrollably due to rapid con-
sumption of liquids. [been there, done that] 2. To
ramble on aimlessly, trying to fill 500 words in the
Iron Warrior. 3. To stupidly agree that perhaps being
taped to a bus is a good idea.
News from the frontier: I don't have a clue. I've
talked to Nancy Faessen and she threw some society
acronyms at me and then I cleaned my brain off of the
floor. There are some conferences coming up, but I
haven't been able to get any firm dates yet, since
everyone else is bogged down with work
I subscribed to some of tlle Canadian Engineering
Society list servers and so far I can't figure ut what
the hell these knobs are gossiping about. I guess wh n
I meet these folks, I had better not call them knobs,
people just don't like that for some reason. I guess
when I do meet them, I should probably try to be nice
and make sure I don't bite anyone again [it seems like
a good idea at the time).
What else is new? Well, I missed the EngSoc joint
council [why are tl1ey allowed to have joints at EngSoc
meetings?] due to a prior engagement. I'm off shortly
[it's 6:47 a.m. now1 to the Bus Push, thanks to
the incredible efforts of Jason Van Dyck [get that man
a beer] I am apparently obligated to be taped to the
bus for the duration of the trip. TalEng was a good
time, even though I missed a few acts that apparently
the best of all, but I had some GI problems that
stemmed from the use of too much hot sauce on tacos.
Well, I've got to get going to get this article in by
8:00 or the IW folks will want my head. I guess it'll be
a while until I next spew, but for now, I know you all
have that wann fuzzy feeling knowing that I'm the
guy who will represent you at various functions over
the summer.
Cheers,
Bull
H
there everyone! From now on I suppose
you won't have the privilege of seeing my
arling photo beside my articles. I'd hereby
like to announce that I am resigning my post as Gen-
eral Manager of the Universe in order to pursue other
opportunities. From now on the Engineering Society
will have to carry on its merry way without my guid-
ance. 0' m sure they'll do fine.)
It all started in Fall 1990, lA, when I became class
rep, and it hasn't stopped since. Summer '91 was Spe-
cial Events Director and Fed Rep. Winter & Fall 1992
were VP-Internal, then at long last Summer '93 &
Winter '94 were VP-Finance. I suppose I should also
mention Finance Ch.:1ir of on ntation '94 - but enough
is enough, don't you agree?
1l1ere ar things to learn in Engsoc that you can't
learn anywhere else, that is, without getting fired. For
me there was something to learn from everyone, so
heregocs:
Fidel, Clare & Bill: Way back in Winter 1992 we
started our new xec. mandat . They were great, I'll
tell you that. Fidel showed me that you can lead v.rith-
out giving orders and have fun while simultaneously
being on top of what's going on. l'm still working on
it. Clare always reminded me that you can't tell what
a person is hiding inside until they decide to let you
know, and when Clare decidcs, you can't miss it. You
always know where you stand with her. Bill, well Bill
is one hell of a character and it's a shame he couldn't
finish the term with us.
Hence I should of course mention Dave Jones who
proved to me once again that having just skill, knowl-
edge and expertise isn't enough. You've got to have
FLASH too! He had them all.
Then later, after another arduous election, a new
exec.
Piyush has always been great. He's calm when I'm
"passionate", he cares about people when I couldn't
care less. When you look up '13aIanced" in the dictio-
nary you see his picture. I feel honoured to call him
my friend.
Ron, now Ron is like Clare, full of surprises. He's
got a resilience 1'd not thought possible. a know - I
tested it.) No matter how much he is pushed or
pulled, he has always maintained his own mind. Not
a man of stubbornness, but a confidence in himself
that allows him to admit that, no matter how aggra-
vating I was, I was right anyway.
Mark W. came along to save us all from a lot of
I feel stupid
and
contagious
work,
and I com-
mend him for
filling our need when no one
else would. A rationalist till the end, Mark has that
annoying but necessary habit of intelligently question-
ing what everyone else has just assumed. Every com-
pany should have at least one Mark on staff.
I'm going to forego this opportunity to cut-up B-
Soc, I shall merely say that I have learned a great deal
both from their actions and inactions.
While I can't mention everyone, I do want to men-
tion some people who have stood out and helped me
over the past 32 months:
Tatiana & Marsha - for our late night discussions of
life and the hassles of trying to get an education while
going to school
Beverly, Lynn & Cathy - who've been there for as
long as I can remember and always seem to do a good
job. It won't be the same when you're gone.
Shelley, Kathy & Vicki - stonny as hell but the job
got done. They keep coming out!
C:trOline & Sarah - whenever a crisis arises do they
ever come through!
Nancy Faessen - for both election races & not to be
discouraged: she's still going at it in ESSCO and
CFES.
Brian Verspagen - A better athletics director I've
never seen, never bothered me about it - great job.
As I wrote this I started thinking about everyone
with whom I've ever worked here at the Engineering
Society. Gemma Duley, my big sister in Frosh Week,
Drew Conway, the first Engsoc Prez I ever knew,
Chantel & her Chubby Burmy contest for Engweek, all
those who graduated in the past who made the Soci-
ety great to join and all those Frosh who will take up
the torch in the future. It's been the best!
As a final note I'd like to mention that I've met some
of the greatest people in my life through the Engineer-
ing Society. If that is all I take from this it will have
been well worth the price.
W
en, I guess this is my last spew. I'm not feeling very nostalgic though. In
some ways I wish I had more time here, but in other ways I'm damn glad
to be going.
1lUs spew really only serves the purpose of announcing the acclamation of the new
"A" Soc Waterloo Engineering Endowment Foundation Director. Oms Nekkers is a
second year Chemical Engineering student and he will be taking over the foundation
with some of his Chern friends (including ''The Frosh"). I know that Chris is very
capable and will do an excellent job in his new position.
Later on in this paper I have included a proposed reinvestment strategy for your
money, prepared for us by Scotia McLeod. I hope you will read this
and give me some feedback on what you think. This strategy will
,.. ..... __ ... be presented. to our board of directors, and if accepted
WATERLOO ENGINEERING ENDOWMENT FOUNDATION
it will be possible for students to have a more active
role in the investment of their money. Hopefully, this
will work out. If you have any questions or concerns
e-mail me at medayelecbical, or drop by the
. office.
r would like to thank all those who have
helped me out in the past 16 months and r
would also like to thank everyone who
';;j}'m
J
P14rter '1tinues to support the W.E.E.F.
Last Ramble
Mario 8el/abarba
Soon to rejoin the ranks of the STRESSED
N
ot much to talk about this week, the tenn's
winding down, and the primary reason pe0-
ple are numing scared now is the sighting of
FINALS approaching over the horizon, but just to
remind you that there is more to worry about...
- Dairy Queen has raised its prices, but rumour has
it the price of those yummy DQ burgers is still
only 99 cents.
- It's now possible to buy a 'Best of Little House on
the Prairie' videocassette series, presumably to go
along with the 'Best of the Waltons'o But seriously,
what did they put on these tc:>.pes, the theme song
and the dosing credits?
- Woody kept his office hours once.
- The Sun turned the colour of sack doth and the
Moon turned red as blood. a think I read that in
the Bible somewhere)
- They make tuxedoes in Roger Ebert's size.
- 4/5 of the new executive are in Ovil. This must
were convinced she knew nothing about the
whole affair. I personally thought that the whole
thing was an elaborate set-up by vegetarian,
black, Italian, Hebrew, militant transsexual ani-
mal rights activists, but then I sometimes have a
tendency to stretch things a little.
- In 5 weeks, I start my 3A tenn. AAAAAAAAR-
RRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
- In a recent issue of the Math ews, an artide was
written about the large number of 'available
European men' in Math. One of their selling
points was to point out that it was an Eastern
European who was ' .. .founder of the UW Film
Oub, the best Snow (the singer/?}) impersonator
and the Wesley Crusher fan dub president /my
emphasisl, and many more'. Also mentioned was
the fact that the Eastern European male is a great
drinker as he has ' ... been raised on VocI.ka since he
was breast fed' . Better get moving girls and
snatch up these guys before they're all taken.
(Disclaimer: I actually know several Eastern Euro-
peans, so I know they're not all as pathetic as this
guy.)
be dealt with! We can't allow a bunch of rowdy,
obnoxious, egotistical Ovvies to control the most
powerful student society on campus. Get them
out! Grculate petitions! Throw firebombs!
Terrifying as all these things may seem, just
remember:
- Tonya Harding pleaded guilty to 'interference
with a criminal investigation'. I know this must
come as a blow to those, such as myself, who
Pi '5 pI cia , !A w..u.!'.
Of>e.<'o:\- ; 0-.. ... 1- ;. ao.5:\
10,)" t"'-
c.Pf. c.'c;AC.Y,,
March 30 - Eric Clapton is born, 1945
March 31 - An easy listening station in Annandale,
VA, is blown up, 1978
Yo"
'10 CA",I\- Sht
vJ.r,...\- y00
'\e\
-_-v-......

April 2 - Velcro is introduced, 1978
April 4 - Tater Day (celebrating the potato), Benton,
Kentucky
April 6 - Bob Marley is bom, 1945
April 7 -The last episode of Star Trek airs, 1969
April 8 - Hank Aaron beats Babe Ruth' record b '
hitting his 71.5thhome run, 1974
April 11 - The Equal Opportunity Commission reg-
ulates that sexuaI harassment of \,,'omen is illegal
in the workplace, 1980
April 12 - David Letterman is born, 1947
April 13 - World Cm" Chip Thrmving Champi-
onship, Beaver, Oklahoma
April 15 - The bottle opener is invented, 1738
April 17 - The Ford Mustang makes it's debut, 1964
April 19 - Reading is FW1 week begins
April 20 - National Lingerie week begins
April 21 - Iggy Pop is born, 1947
April 21 - Exams end, time to make good use of that
which was invented 6 days and 256 years ago
April 23 - Summer begins in Ireland
April 25 - Elvis hits the top of the charts with Heart-
break Hotel, 1956
April 29 - Michelle Pfeiffer is born, 1962
April 30 - National Honesty Day
And, a special bonus to think about on your work
terms:
June 22 - The day Disco officially died (oh yeah?),
1979
June 23 - The day Disco should have died, 1974
Thank you, and good night
OV(.v1. M\% CO. for V\ov..) .. . .
\Aj'\\ f(.+v('Y}!
ovt "\-t-! J 5 .I \"1 belrdvJ./
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