Clouds

Dramatis Personae
STREPSIADES: a middle-aged Athenian PHEIDIPPIDES: a young Athenian, son of Strepsiades XANTHIAS: a slave serving Strepsiades STUDENT: one of Socrates pupils in the Thinkery SOCRATES: chief teacher in the Thinkery CHORUS OF CLOUDS THE BETTER ARGU ENT: an older man THE !ORSE ARGU ENT: a young man PASIAS: one of Strepsiades creditors !ITNESS: a friend of Pasias A "NIAS: one of Strepsiades creditors STUDENTS OF SOCRATES [Scene: In the centre of the stage area is a house with a door to Socrates educational establishment, the Thinkery.* On one side of the stage is Stre siades! house, in front of which are two beds. Outside the Thinkery there is a small clay statue of a round goblet, and outside Stre siades house there is a small clay statue of "ermes. It is #ust before dawn. Stre siades and $heidi ides are lying aslee in the two beds. Stre siades tosses and turns restlessly. $heidi ides lets a %ery loud fart in his slee . Stre siades sits u wide awake& STREPS A!ES: !amn" #ord $eus, ho% this night drags on and on" ts endless& 'ont daylight ever come( heard a cock cro%ing a %hile ago, )ut my slaves kept snoring& n the old days, they %ouldnt have dared& *h, damn and )last this %ar+ so many pro)lems& ,o% m not allo%ed to punish my o%n slaves&- And then theres him+ this fine young man, %ho never once %akes up, )ut farts the night a%ay, all snug in )ed, %rapped up in five %ool coverlets& Ah %ell, guess should snuggle do%n and snore a%ay& [Stre siades lies down again and tries to slee . $heidi finally gi%es u trying to slee &

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ides farts again. Stre siades

STREPS A!ES: cant sleep& m 2ust too misera)le, %hat %ith )eing eaten up )y all this de)t+ thanks to this son of mine, his e3penses,

his racing sta)les& 4e keeps his hair long and rides his horses+hes o)sessed %ith it+ his chariot and pair& 4e dreams of horses&And m dead %hen see the month go )y+ %ith the moons cycle no% at t%enty days, as interest payments keep on piling up&['alling to a sla%e& 4ey, )oy" #ight the lamp& 6ring me my accounts& [(nter the sla%e )anthias with light and tablets& #et me take these and check my creditors& 4o% many are there( And then the interest+ ll have to %ork that out& #et me see no% & & & 'hat do o%e( 7T%elve minai to Pasias(8 T%elve minai to Pasias" 'hats that for( *h yes, kno%+thats %hen )ought that horse, the pedigree nag& 'hat a fool am" d sooner have a stone knock out my eye&P4E ! PP !ES: [talking in his slee & Philon, thats unfair" !rive your chariot straight& STREPS A!ES: That theres my pro)lem+thats %hats killing me& Even fast asleep he dreams of horses" P4E ! PP !ES: [in his slee & n this %ar-chariot race ho% many times do %e drive round the track( STREPS A!ES: :oure driving me, your father, too far round the )end& #ets see, after Pasias, %hats the ne3t de)t o%e( 7Three minai to Amynias&8 ;or %hat( A small chariot )oard and pair of %heels(

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P4E ! PP !ES: [in his slee & #et the horse have a roll& Then take him home& STREPS A!ES: :ou, my lad, have )een rolling in my cash& ,o% ve lost in court, and other creditors are going to take out liens on all my stuff to get their interest&
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P4E ! PP !ES: [waking u & 'hats the matter, dad( :ouve )een grum)ling and tossing around there all night long& STREPS A!ES: keep getting )itten+ some )um )ailiff in the )edding& P4E ! PP !ES: #et me get some sleep& Ease off, dad&

STREPS A!ES: All right, keep sleeping& =ust )ear in mind that one fine day these de)ts %ill all )e your concern& [$heidi ides rolls o%er and goes back to slee &

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!amn it, any%ay& %ish that matchmaker had died in pain+ the one %ho hooked me and your mother up& d had a lovely time up to that point, a crude, uncomplicated, country life, lying around 2ust as pleased, %ith honey )ees, and sheep and olives, too& Then married+ the niece of ?egacles+%ho %as the son of ?egacles& %as a country man, and she came from the to%n+a real sno), e3travagant, 2ust like @oesyra&'hen married her and %e )oth %ent to )ed, stunk of fresh %ine, drying figs, sheeps %ool+ an a)undance of good things& As for her, she smelled of perfume, saffron, long kisses, greed, e3travagance, lots and lots of se3&,o%, m not saying she %as a laBy )ones& She used to %eave, )ut used up too much %ool& To make a point d sho% this cloak to her and say, 7'oman, your %eavings far too thick&8[The lam goes out& CA,T4 AS: 'eve got no oil left in the lamp& STREPS A!ES: !amn it" 'hyd you light such a thirsty lamp( @ome here& need to thump you&

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CA,T4 AS:

'hy should you hit me(

STREPS A!ES: 6ecause you stuck too thick a %ick inside& [The sla%e ignores Stre siades and walks off into the house& After that, %hen this son %as )orn to us+ m talking a)out me and my good %ife+ %e argued over %hat his name should )e& She %as keen to add *hi os to his name, like Canthippos, @allipedes, or @haerippos&?e, %anted the name Pheidonides, his grandpaEs name& 'ell, %e fought a)out it, and then, after a %hile, at last agreed& And so %e called the )oy Pheidippides& She used to cradle the young lad and say, 8'hen youre gro%n up, youll drive your chariot to the Acropolis, like ?egacles, in a full-length ro)e & & &8 d say, 7,o+ youll drive your goat herd )ack from Phelleus, like your father, dressed in leather hides & & &8 4e never listened to a thing said& And no% hes making my finances sick+ a racing fever& 6ut ve spent all night thinking of a %ay to deal %ith this %hole mess, and ve found one route, something really good+ it could %ork %onders& f could succeed, if could convince him, d )e all right& 'ell, first d )etter %ake him up& 6ut ho%( 'hat %ould )e the gentlest %ay to do it( [Stre siades leans o%er and gently nudges $heidi ides&
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Pheidippides & & & my little Pheidippides & & & P4E ! PP !ES: [%ery slee ily& 'hat is it, father( STREPS A!ES: then give me your right hand& [$heidi Hive me a kiss+
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ides sits u , leans o%er, and does what his father has asked& All right& There&

P4E ! PP !ES: 'hats going on(

STREPS A!ES:

Tell me this+do you love me(

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P4E ! PP !ES: :es, do, )y Poseidon, lord of horses& STREPS A!ES: !ont give me that lord of horses stuff+ hes the god %hos causing all my trou)les& 6ut no%, my son, if you really love me, %ith your %hole heart, then follo% %hat say& P4E ! PP !ES: 'hat do you %ant to tell me should do( STREPS A!ES: @hange your life style as Iuickly as you can, then go and learn the stuff recommend& P4E ! PP !ES: So tell me+%hat are you asking me( STREPS A!ES: :oull do 2ust %hat say( P4E ! PP !ES: s%ear )y !ionysus& :es, ll do it+
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STREPS A!ES: All right then& #ook over there+you see that little door, there on that little house( P4E ! PP !ES: :es, see it& 'hat are you really on a)out, father( STREPS A!ES: Thats the Thinkery+for clever minds& n there live men %ho argue and persuade& They say that heavens an oven damper+ its all around us+%ere the charcoal& f someone gives them cash, theyll teach him ho% to %in an argument on any cause, 2ust or un2ust& P4E ! PP !ES: 'ho are these men(
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STREPS A!ES: m not sure 2ust %hat they call themselves, )ut theyre good men, fine, deep-thinking intellectual types& P4E ! PP !ES: ,onsense" Theyre a %orthless )unch& kno% them+ youre talking a)out pale-faced charlatans,

%ho havent any shoes, like those rascals Socrates and @haerephon&STREPS A!ES: Shush, )e Iuiet& !ont prattle on such childish ru))ish& f you care a)out your fathers daily food, give up racing horses and, for my sake, 2oin their company& P4E ! PP !ES: 6y !ionysus, no" ,ot even if you give me as a gift pheasants raised )y #eogoras&STREPS A!ES: @ome on, son+ youre the dearest person in the %orld to me& m )egging you& Ho there and learn something& P4E ! PP !ES: 'hat is it you %ant me to learn( STREPS A!ES: They say that those men have t%o kinds of arguments+ the 6etter, %hatever that may mean, and the 'orse& ,o%, of these t%o arguments, the 'orse can make an un2ust case and %in& So if, for me, youll learn to speak like this, to make an un2ust argument, %ell then, all those de)ts no% o%e )ecause of you %ouldnt have to pay+no need to give an o)ols %orth to anyone&P4E ! PP !ES: ,o %ay& cant do that& 'ith no colour in my cheeks %ouldnt dare to face those rich young Jnights&STREPS A!ES: Then, )y !emeter, you %ont )e eating any of my food+not you, not your yoke horse, nor your )randed thorough)red& To hell %ith you+ ll toss you right out of this house&P4E ! PP !ES: All right+ )ut Kncle ?egacles %ont let me live %ithout my horses& m going in the house& dont really care %hat youEre going to do&
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[$heidi

ides stands u and goes inside the house. Stre siades gets out of bed&

STREPS A!ES: 'ell, ll not take this set )ack lying do%n& ll pray to the gods and then go there myself+ ll get myself taught in that Thinkery& Still, m old and slo%+my memorys shot& 4o%m going to learn hair-splitting arguments, all that fancy stuff( 6ut have to go& 'hy do keep hanging )ack like this( should )e knocking on the door& [Stre siades marches u to the door of the Thinkery and knocks& 4ey, )oy & & & little )oy& STK!E,T [from inside& Ho to 4ell" [The door o ens and the student a ears&

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'hos )een knocking on the door( STREPS A!ES: m Strepsiades, the son of Pheidon, from @icynna& STK!E,T: 6y god, %hat a stupid man, to kick the door so hard& :ou 2ust dont think& :ou made a ne%ly found idea miscarry" STREPS A!ES: m sorry& 6ut live in the country, far a%ay from here& Tell me %hats happened& 'hats miscarried( STK!E,T: ts not right to mention it, e3cept to students& STREPS A!ES: :ou neednt )e concerned+ you can tell me& ve come here as a student, to study at the Thinkery& STK!E,T: ll tell you, then& 6ut you have to think of these as secrets, our holy mysteries& A %hile ago, a flea )it @haerephon right on the eye )ro%, and then 2umped onto Socrates head&
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So Socrates then Iuestioned @haerephon a)out ho% many lengths of its o%n feet a flea could 2ump& STREPS A!ES: 4o%d he measure that(
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STK!E,T: ?ost ingeniously& 4e melted do%n some %a3, then took the flea and dipped t%o feet in it& *nce that cooled, the flea had Persian slippers& 4e took those off and measured out the space& STREPS A!ES: 6y #ord $eus, %hat intellectual )rilliance" STK!E,T: 'ould you like to hear more of Socrates, another one of his ideas( 'hat do you say( STREPS A!ES: 'hich one( Tell me & & & [The student retends to be reluctant m )egging you& STK!E,T: All right& @haerephon of Sphettus once asked Socrates %hether, in his opinion, a gnat )uBBed through its mouth or through its anal sphincter& STREPS A!ES: 'hat did Socrates say a)out the gnat( STK!E,T: 4e said that the gnats intestinal tract
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%as narro%+therefore air passing through it, )ecause of the constriction, %as pushed %ith force to%ards the rear& So then that orifice, )eing a hollo% space )eside a narro% tu)e, transmits the noise caused )y the force of air& STREPS A!ES: So a gnats arse hole is a giant trumpet" * triply )lessed man %ho could do this, anatomiBe the anus of a gnat" A man %ho kno%s a gnats guts inside out %ould have no trou)le %inning la% suits&

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STK!E,T: =ust recently he lost a great idea+ a liBard stole it" STREPS A!ES: 4o%d that happen( Tell me&
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STK!E,T: 4e %as studying movements of the moon+ its tra2ectory and revolutions& *ne night, as he %as gaBing up, open mouthed, staring sky%ard, a liBard on the roof relieved itself on him& STREPS A!ES: Thats good" STK!E,T: A liBard crapped on Socrates" Then, last night %e had no dinner&
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STREPS A!ES: 'ell, %ell& 'hat did Socrates come up %ith, to get you all some food to eat( STK!E,T: 4e spread some ashes thinly on the ta)le, then seiBed a spit, %ent to the %restling school, picked up a Iueer, and ro))ed him of his cloak, then sold the cloak to purchase dinner&STREPS A!ES: And %e still admire Thales after that(@ome on, no%, open up the Thinkery+ let me see Socrates %ithout delay& m dying to learn& So open up the door&
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[The doors of the Thinkery slide o en to re%eal Socrates students studying on a orch +not inside a room,. They are in %ariously absurd ositions and are all %ery thin and ale& 6y 4ercules, %ho are all these creatures" 'hat country are they from( STK!E,T: :ou look surprised& 'hat do they look like to you( STREPS A!ES: #ike prisoners+ those Spartan ones from Pylos&- 6ut tell me+ 'hy do these ones keep staring at the earth( STK!E,T: Theyre searching out %hat lies )eneath the ground&

STREPS A!ES: Ah, theyre looking for some )ul)s& 'ell no%, you dont need to %orry any longer, not a)out that& kno% %here )ul)s are found, lovely )ig ones, too& 'hat a)out them( 'hat are they doing like that, all dou)led up( STK!E,T: Theyre sounding out the depths of Tartarus& STREPS A!ES: 'hy are their arse holes gaBing up to heaven( STK!E,T: !irected studies in astronomy& [The Student addresses the other students in the room& Ho inside& 'e dont %ant Socrates to find you all in here& STREPS A!ES: ,ot yet, not yet& #et them stay like this, so can tell them %hat my little pro)lem is& STK!E,T: ts not allo%ed& They cant spend too much time outside, not in the open air&

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[The students get u from their studying ositions and disa ear into the interior of the Thinkery. Stre siades starts ins ecting the e-ui ment on the walls and on the tables& STREPS A!ES: ?y goodness, %hat is this thing( E3plain it to me& STK!E,T: That theres astronomy& STREPS A!ES: STK!E,T: Thats geometry& STREPS A!ES: 'hat use is that( And %hats this(

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STK!E,T: ts used to measure land& STREPS A!ES: handed out )y lottery&:ou mean those lands

STK!E,T: its for land in general&

,ot 2ust that+

STREPS A!ES: A fine idea+ useful & & & democratic, too& STK!E,T: #ook over here+ heres a map of the entire %orld& See( Right there, thats Athens& STREPS A!ES: 'hat do you mean( dont )elieve you& There are no 2ury men+ dont see them sitting on their )enches& STK!E,T: ,o, no+this space is really Attica&STREPS A!ES: 'here are the citiBens of @icynna, the people in my deme(STK!E,T: Theyre right here& This is Eu)oea, as you can see, )eside us, really stretched a long %ay out& STREPS A!ES: kno%+%e pulled it apart, %ith Pericles&'here a)outs is Sparta( STK!E,T: 'here is it( 4ere&
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STREPS A!ES: ts close to us& :ou must rethink the place+ shift it+put it far a%ay from us& STK!E,T: @ant do that&

STREPS A!ES: [threatening& !o it, )y god, or ll make you cry" [Stre siades notices Socrates descending from abo%e in a basket sus ended from a ro e& 4ey, %hos the man in the )asket+up there( STK!E,T: The man himself& STREPS A!ES: STK!E,T: 'hos that( Socrates&

STREPS A!ES: Socrates" 4ey, call out to him for me+ make it loud& STK!E,T: :oull have to call to him yourself& m too )usy no%& [The Student e.its into the interior of the house& STREPS A!ES: *h, Socrates & & & my dear little Socrates & & & hello & & & S*@RATES: 'hy call on me, you creature of a day( STREPS A!ES: 'ell, first of all, tell me %hat youre doing& S*@RATES: tread the air, as contemplate the sun& STREPS A!ES: :oure looking do%n upon the gods up there, in that )asket( 'hy not do it from the ground, if thats %hat youre doing( S*@RATES: mpossi)le" d never come up %ith a single thing a)out celestial phenomena, if did not suspend my mind up high, to mi3 my su)tle thoughts %ith %hats like them+ the air& f turned my mind to lofty things, )ut stayed there on the ground, d never make the least discovery& ;or the earth, you see, dra%s moist thoughts do%n )y force into itself+ the same process takes place %ith %ater cress& STREPS A!ES: 'hat are you talking a)out( !oes the mind dra% moisture into %ater cress( @ome do%n, my dear little Socrates, do%n here to me, so you can teach me %hat ve come to learn& [Socrates basket slowly descends& S*@RATES: 'hy have you come( STREPS A!ES: %ant to learn to argue& m )eing pillaged+ruined )y interest
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and )y creditors cant pay off+ theyre slapping liens on all my property& S*@RATES: 4o% come you got in such a pile of de)t %ithout your kno%ledge( STREPS A!ES: ve )een ravaged )y disease+ m horse sick& ts draining me in the most dreadful %ay& 6ut please teach me one of your t%o styles of arguing, the one %hich never has to discharge any de)t& 'hatever payment you %ant me to make, promise you ll pay+)y all the gods& S*@RATES: 'hat gods do you intend to s%ear )y( To start %ith, the gods hold no currency %ith us& STREPS A!ES: Then, %hat currency do you use to s%ear( s it iron coin, like in 6yBantium( S*@RATES: !o you %ant to kno% the truth of things divine, the %ay they really are( STREPS A!ES: if thats possi)le& :es, )y god, do,

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S*@RATES: And to commune and talk %ith our o%n deities the @louds( STREPS A!ES: :es, do&

S*@RATES: Then sit do%n on the sacred couch& STREPS A!ES: m sitting do%n& S*@RATES: Take this %reath& All right&

STREPS A!ES: 'hy a %reath( *h dear, Socrates, dont offer me up in sacrifice, like Athamas&-

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S*@RATES: ,o, no& 'e go through all this for everyone+ its their initiation& STREPS A!ES: 'hat do get(
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S*@RATES: :oull learn to )e a clever talker, to rattle off a speech, to strain your %ords like flour& =ust keep still& [Socrates s rinkles flour all o%er Stre siades& STREPS A!ES: 6y god, thats no lie" ll turn into flour if you keep sprinkling me& S*@RATES: *ld man, )e Iuiet& #isten to the prayer& [Socrates shuts his eyes to recite his rayer& * Sovereign #ord, * 6oundless Air, %ho keeps the earth suspended here in space, * 6right Sky, * Sacred Hoddesses+ the Thunder-)earing @louds+arise, you holy ladies, issue forth on high, )efore the man %ho holds you in his mind& STREPS A!ES: [lifting his cloak to co%er his head& ,ot yet, not yet& ,ot Ltil %rap this cloak like this so dont get soaked& 'hat )ad luck, to leave my home %ithout a cap on& S*@RATES: [ignoring Stre siades& @ome no%, you highly honoured @louds, come+ manifest yourselves to this man here+ %hether you no% sit atop *lympus, on those sacred sno%-)ound mountain peaks, or form the holy choruses %ith nymphs in gardens of their father *cean, or gather up the %aters of the ,ile in golden flagons at the rivers mouths, or d%ell )eside the marsh of ?aeotis or sno%y rocks of ?imas+hear my call, accept my sacrifice, and then re2oice in this holy offering make&

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@4*RKS [heard offstage& Everlasting @louds+ let us arise, let us reveal our moist and natural radiance+ moving from the roaring deep of father *cean to the tops of tree-lined mountain peaks, %here %e see from far a%ay the lofty heights, the sacred earth, %hose fruits %e feed %ith %ater, the murmuring of sacred rivers, the roaring of the deep-resounding sea& ;or the un%earied eye of heaven )laBes forth its glittering )eams& Shake off this misty shapelessness from our immortal form and gaBe upon the earth %ith our far-reaching eyes& S*@RATES: *h you magnificent and holy @louds, youve clearly heard my call& [To Stre siades& !id you hear that voice intermingled %ith the a%esome gro%l of thunder( STREPS A!ES: *h you most honoured sacred goddesses, in ans%er to your thunder call d like to fart+ its made me so afraid+if thats all right & & &

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[Stre siades ull down his ants and farts loudly in the direction of the offstage 'horus& *h, oh, %hether right nor not, need to shit& S*@RATES: Stop )eing so idiotic, acting like a stupid damn comedian& Jeep Iuiet& A great host of deities is coming here+ theyre going to sing& @4*RKS: [still offstage& *h you maidens )ringing rain+ lets move on to that )rilliant place, to gaBe upon the land of Pallas, %here such no)le men inha)it

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@ecrops lovely native home,%here they hold those sacred rites no one may speak a)out, %here the temple of the mysteries is opened up in holy festivals,%ith gifts for deities in heaven, %hat lofty temples, holy statues, most sacred supplication to the gods, %ith garlands for each holy sacrifice, and festivals of every kind in every season of the year, including, %hen the spring arrives, that 2oyful !ionysian time, %ith rousing choruses of song, resounding music of the pipes& STREPS A!ES: 6y god, Socrates, tell me, )eg you, %ho these %omen are %ho sing so solemnly& Are they some special kind of heroines( S*@RATES: ,o+theyre heavenly @louds, great goddesses for laBy men+from them %e get our thoughts, our po%ers of speech, our comprehension, our gift for fantasy and endless talk, our po%er to strike responsive chords in speech and then re)ut opponents arguments& STREPS A!ES: Ah, that must )e %hy, as heard their voice, my soul took %ing, and no% m really keen to )a))le on of trivialities, to argue smoke and mirrors, to deflate opinions %ith a small opinion of my o%n, to ans%er someones reasoned argument %ith my o%n counter-argument& So no%, d love to see them here in front of me, if thats possi)le& S*@RATES: =ust look over there+ to%ards ?ount Parnes& see them coming, slo%ly moving over here&STREPS A!ES: 'here( Point them out&

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S*@RATES: Theyre coming do%n here through the valleys+ a %hole cro%d of them+there in the thickets, right )eside you& STREPS A!ES: This is %eird& dont see them&

S*@RATES: [ ointing into the wings of the theatre& There+in the entrance %ay& STREPS A!ES: Ah, no% see+ )ut can )arely make them out& [The 'louds enter from the wings& S*@RATES: There+ surely you can see them no%, unless your eyes are s%ollen up like pumpkins& STREPS A!ES: see them& ?y god, %hat %orthy no)le presences" Theyre taking over the entire space& S*@RATES: :ou %erent a%are that they are goddesses( :ou had no faith in them( STREPS A!ES: d no idea& thought clouds %ere mist and de% and vapour& S*@RATES: :ou didnt realiBe these goddesses support a multitude of charlatans+ prophetic seers from Thurium, Iuacks %ho specialiBe in )ooks on medicine, laBy long-haired types %ith ony3 signet rings, poets %ho produce the t%isted choral music for dithyram)ic songs, those %ith airy minds+ all such men so active doing nothing the @louds support, since in their poetry these people cele)rate the @louds& STREPS A!ES: Ah ha, so thats %hy they poeticiBe 8the %hirling radiance of %atery clouds as they advance so ominously,8 8%aving hairs of hundred-headed Typho,8%ith 7roaring tempests,8 and then 7liIuid )reeBe,8
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or 8crook-taloned, sky-floating )irds of prey,8 8sho%ers of rain from de%y clouds8+and then, as a re%ard for this, they stuff themselves on slices carved from some huge tasty fish or from a thrush&S*@RATES: :es, thanks to these @louds& s that not truly 2ust( STREPS A!ES: All right, tell me this+ if theyre really clouds, %hats happened to them( They look 2ust like mortal human %omen& The clouds up there are not the least like that& S*@RATES: 'hat are they like( STREPS A!ES: dont kno% e3actly& They look like %ool once its )een pulled apart+ not like %omen, )y god, not in the least& These ones here have noses& S*@RATES: 'ill you ans%er me( STREPS A!ES: ;ire a%ay& #et me ask you something&
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Ask me %hat you %ant&

S*@RATES: 4ave you ever gaBed up there and seen a cloud shaped like a centaur, or a leopard, %olf, or )ull( STREPS A!ES: So %hat( :es, have&

S*@RATES: They )ecome anything they %ant& So if they see some hairy savage type, one of those really %ild and %ooly men, like Cenophantes son, they mock his moods, transforming their appearance into centaurs&STREPS A!ES: 'hat if they glimpse a thief of pu)lic funds, like Simon( 'hat do they do then(-

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S*@RATES: They e3pose 2ust %hat hes truly like+they change at once, transform themselves to %olves& STREPS A!ES: Ah ha, see& So thats %hy yesterday they changed to deer& They must have caught sight of @leonymos+ the man %ho thre% a%ay his )attle shield+ they kne% he %as fearful co%ard&S*@RATES: And no% its clear theyve seen @leisthenes+ thats %hy, as you can see, theyve changed to %omen&STREPS A!ES: [to the 'horus of 'louds& All hail to you, lady goddesses& And no%, if you have ever spoken out to other men, let me hear your voice, you Iueenly po%ers& @4*RKS #EA!ER: Hreetings to you, old man )orn long ago, hunter in love %ith arts of argument+ you, too, high priest of su)tlest nonsense, tell us %hat you %ant& *f all the e3perts in celestial matters at the present time, %e take note of no one else )ut you+ and Prodicus-+)ecause hes sharp and %ise, %hile you go s%aggering along the street, in )are feet, shifting )oth eyes )ack and forth& :ou keep moving on through many trou)les, looking proud of your relationship %ith us& STREPS A!ES: 6y the Earth, %hat voices these @louds have+ so holy, reverent, and marvelous" S*@RATES: 'ell, theyre the only deities %e have+ the rest are 2ust so much hocus pocus& STREPS A!ES: 4ang on+)y the Earth, isnt $eus a god, the one up there on ?ount *lympus( S*@RATES: 'hat sort of god is $eus( 'hy spout such ru))ish( Theres no such )eing as $eus&

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STREPS A!ES: 'hat do you mean( Then %ho )rings on the rain( ;irst ans%er that& S*@RATES: 'hy, these %omen do& ll prove that to you %ith persuasive evidence& =ust tell me+ %here have you ever seen the rain come do%n %ithout the @louds )eing there( f $eus )rings rain, then he should do so %hen the sky is clear, %hen there are no @louds in vie%& STREPS A!ES: 6y Apollo, youve made a good point there+ it helps your argument& used to think rain %as really $eus pissing through a sieve& Tell me %ho causes thunder( That scares me& S*@RATES: These @louds do, as they roll around& STREPS A!ES: 6ut ho%( E3plain that, you %ho dares to kno% it all& S*@RATES: 'hen they are filled %ith %ater to the )rim and then, suspended there %ith all that rain, are forced to move, they )ump into each other& Theyre so )ig, they )urst %ith a great )oom& STREPS A!ES: 6ut %hats forcing them to move at all( !oesnt $eus do that( S*@RATES: ,o+thats the aerial Morte3&09F/1

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STREPS A!ES: Morte3( 'ell, thats something didnt kno%& So $eus is no% no more, and Morte3 rules instead of him& 6ut you still have not e3plained a thing a)out those claps of thunder& S*@RATES: 'erent you listening to me( tell you, %hen the @louds are full of %ater and collide, theyre so thickly packed they make a noise& STREPS A!ES: @ome on no%+%hod ever )elieve that stuff( S*@RATES: ll e3plain, using you as a test case& 4ave you ever gorged yourself on ste% at the Panathenaea and later

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had an upset stomach+then suddenly some violent movement made it rum)le(STREPS A!ES: :es, )y Apollo" t does %eird things+ feel unsettled& That small )it of ste% rum)les around and makes strange noises, 2ust like thunder& At first its Iuite Iuiet+ 8pappa3 pappa38+then it starts getting louder+ 8papapappa38+and %hen take a shit, it really thunders 7papapappa38+ 2ust like these @louds& S*@RATES: So think a)out it+ if your small gut can make a fart like that, %hy cant the air, %hich goes on for ever, produce tremendous thunder& Then theres this+ consider ho% alike these phrases sound, 8thunder clap8 and 7fart and crap&8 STREPS A!ES: All right, )ut then e3plain this to me+ 'here does lightning come from, that fiery )laBe, %hich, %hen it hits, sometimes )urns us up, sometimes 2ust singes us and lets us live( @learly $eus is hurling that at per2urers& S*@RATES: :ou stupid driveling idiot, you stink of olden times, the age of @ronos"- f $eus is really striking at the per2urers, ho% come hes not )urned Simon do%n to ash, or else @leonymos or Theorus( They per2ure themselves more than anyone& ,o& nstead he strikes at his o%n temple at Sunium, our Athenian headland, and at his massive oak trees there& 'hy( 'hats his plan( *ak trees cant )e per2ured& STREPS A!ES: dont kno%& 6ut that argument of yours seems good& All right, then, %hats a lightning )olt( S*@RATES: 'hen a dry %ind )lo%s up into the @louds and gets caught in there, it makes them inflate, like the inside of a )ladder& And then it has to )urst them all apart and vent,
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rushing out %ith violence )rought on )y dense compression+its force and friction cause it to consume itself in fire& STREPS A!ES: 6y god, %ent through that very thing myself+ at the feast for $eus& %as cooking food, a pigs )elly, for my family& forgot to slit it open& t )egan to s%ell+ then suddenly )le% up, splattering )lood in )oth my eyes and )urning my %hole face& @4*RKS #EA!ER: *h you %ho seeks from us great %isdom, ho% happy you %ill )e among Athenians, among the Hreeks, if you have memory, if you can think, if in that soul of yours youve got the po%er to persevere, and donEt get tired standing still or %alking, nor suffer too much from the freeBing cold, %ith no desire for )reakfast, if you a)stain from %ine, from e3ercise, and other foolishness, if you )elieve, as all clever people should, the highest good is victory in action, in deli)eration and in ver)al %ars& STREPS A!ES: 'ell, as for a stu))orn soul and a mind thinking in a restless )ed, %hile my stomach, lean and mean, feeds on )itter her)s, dont %orry& m confident a)out all that+ m ready to )e hammered on your anvil into shape& S*@RATES: So no% you %ont ackno%ledge any gods e3cept the ones %e do+@haos, the @louds, the Tongue+2ust these three( STREPS A!ES: A)solutely+ d refuse to talk to any other gods, if ran into them+and decline to sacrifice or pour li)ations to them& ll not provide them any incense& @4*RKS #EA!ER: Tell us then %hat %e can do for you& 6e )rave+for if you treat us %ith respect,
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if you admire us, and if youre keen to )e a clever man, you %ont go %rong& STREPS A!ES: *h you sovereign Iueens, from you ask one really tiny favour+ to )e the finest speaker in all Hreece, %ithin a hundred miles& @4*RKS #EA!ER: :oull get that from us& ;rom no% on, in time to come, no one %ill %in more votes among the populace than you& STREPS A!ES: ,o speaking on important votes for me" Thats not %hat m after& ,o, no& %ant to t%ist all legal verdicts in my favour, to evade my creditors& @4*RKS #EA!ER: :oull get that, 2ust %hat you desire& ;or %hat you %ant is nothing special& So )e confident+ give yourself over to our agents here& STREPS A!ES: ll do that+ ll place my trust in you& ,ecessity is %eighing me do%n+the horses, those thorough)reds, my marriage+all that has %orn me out& So no%, this )ody of mine ll give to them, %ith no strings attached, to do %ith as they like+to suffer )lo%s, go %ithout food and drink, live like a pig, to freeBe or have my skin flayed for a pouch+ if can 2ust get out of all my de)t and make men think of me as )old and gli), as fearless, impudent, detesta)le, one %ho co))les lies together, makes up %ords, a practised legal rogue, a statute )ook, a chattering fo3, sly and needle sharp, a slippery fraud, a sticky rascal, foul %hipping )oy or t%isted villain, trou)lemaker, or idly prattling fool& f they can make those %ho run into me call me these names, they can do %hat they %ant+ no Iuestions asked& f, )y !emeter, theyre keen,

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they can convert me into sausages and serve me up to men %ho think deep thoughts& @4*RKS: 4eres a man %hose minds no% smart, no holding )ack+prepared to start 'hen you have learned all this from me you kno% your glory %ill arise among all men to heavens skies& STREPS A!ES: 'hat must undergo( @4*RKS: ;or all time, youll live %ith me a life most people truly envy& STREPS A!ES: :ou mean ll really see that one day( @4*RKS: 4ordes %ill sit outside your door %anting your advice and more+ to talk, to place their trust in you for their affairs and la%suits, too, things %hich merit your great mind& Theyll leave you lots of cash )ehind& @4*RKS #EA!ER: [to Socrates& So get started %ith this old mans lessons, %hat you intend to teach him first of all+ rouse his mind, test his intellectual po%ers& S*@RATES: @ome on then, tell me the sort of man you are+ once kno% that, can )ring to )ear on you my latest )atteries %ith full effect& STREPS A!ES: 'hats that( 6y god, are you assaulting me( S*@RATES: ,o+ %ant to learn some things from you& 'hat a)out your memory( STREPS A!ES: To tell the truth it %orks t%o %ays& f someone o%es me something, remem)er really %ell& 6ut if its poor me that o%es the money, forget a lot& S*@RATES: !o you have any natural gift for speech(

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STREPS A!ES: ,ot for speaking+only for evading de)t& S*@RATES: So ho% %ill you )e capa)le of learning( STREPS A!ES: Easily+that shouldnt )e your %orry& S*@RATES: All right& 'hen thro% out something %ise a)out celestial matters, you make sure you snatch it right a%ay& STREPS A!ES: 'hats that a)out( Am to eat up %isdom like a dog( S*@RATES: [aside& This mans an ignorant )ar)arian" *ld man, fear you may need a )eating& [to Stre siades& ,o%, %hat do you do if someone hits you( STREPS A!ES: f get hit, %ait around a %hile, then find %itnesses, hang around some more, then go to court& S*@RATES: All right, take off your cloak&

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STREPS A!ES: 4ave done something %rong( S*@RATES: to go inside %ithout a cloak& ,o& ts our custom

STREPS A!ES: 6ut dont %ant to search your house for stolen stuff&S*@RATES: 'hat are you going on a)out( Take it off& STREPS A!ES: [remo%ing his cloak and his shoes& So tell me this+if pay attention and put some effort into learning, %hich of your students %ill look like( S*@RATES: n appearance therell )e no difference )et%een yourself and @haerephon& STREPS A!ES: *h, thats )ad& :ou mean ll )e only half alive(
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S*@RATES: !ont talk such ru))ish" Het a move on and follo% me inside& 4urry up" STREPS A!ES: ;irst, put a honey cake here in my hands& m scared of going do%n in there& ts like going in Trophonios cave&S*@RATES: Ho inside& 'hy keep hanging round this door%ay( [Socrates icks u Stre siades cloak and shoes. Then Stre siades and Socrates e.it into the interior of the Thinkery& @4*RKS #EA!ER: Ho& And may you en2oy good fortune, a fit re%ard for all your )ravery& @4*RKS: 'e hope this man thrives in his plan& ;or at his stage of great old age hell take a dip in ne% affairs to act the sage&
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@4*RKS #EA!ER [ste ing forward to address the audience directly& :ou spectators, ll talk frankly to you no%, and speak the truth, in the name of !ionysus, %ho has cared for me ever since %as a child& So may %in and )e considered a %ise man&;or thought you %ere a discerning audience and this comedy the most intelligent of all my plays& Thus, )elieved it %orth my %hile to produce it first for you, a %ork %hich cost me a great deal of effort& 6ut left defeated, )eaten out )y vulgar men+%hich did not deserve& place the )lame for this on you intellectuals, on %hose )ehalf %ent to all that trou)le& 6ut still %ont ever %illingly a)andon the discriminating ones among you all, not since that time %hen my play a)out t%o men+ one %as virtuous, the other one depraved+ %as really %ell received )y certain people here, %hom it pleases me to mention no%& As for me,

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%as still unmarried, not yet fully Iualified to produce that child& 6ut e3posed my offspring, and another %oman carried it a%ay& n your generosity you raised and trained it&Since then ve had s%orn testimony from you that you have faith in me& So no%, like old Electra, this comedy has come, hoping she can find, some%here in here, spectators as intelligent& f she sees her )rothers hair, shell recogniBe it&@onsider ho% my play sho%s natural restraint& ;irst, she doesnEt have stitched leather dangling do%n, %ith a thick red kno), to make the children giggle&She hasnt mocked )ald men or danced some drunken reel& Theres no old man %ho talks and )eats those present %ith a stick to hide )ad 2okes& She doesnt rush on stage %ith torches or raise the cry 7Alas"8 or 7'oe is me"8 ,o+shes come trusting in herself and in the script& And m a poet like that& dont preen myself& dont seek to cheat you )y re-presenting here the same material t%o or three times over& nstead )ase my art on framing ne% ideas, all different from the rest, and each one very deft& 'hen @leon %as all-po%erful, %ent for him& hit him in the gut& 6ut once he %as destroyed, didnt have the heart to kick at him again& :et once 4yper)olos let others seiBe on him, theyve not ceased stomping on the misera)le man+ and on his mother, too&- The first %as Eupolis+ he dredged up his /aricas, a %retched rehash of my play The 0nights+hes such a %orthless poet+ adding an aging female drunk in that stupid dance, a %oman Phrynichos invented years ago, the one that ocean monster tried to go))le up&Then 4ermippos %rote again a)out 4yper)olos, ,o% all the rest are savaging the man once more, copying my images of eels& f anyone laughs at those plays, hope mine dont amuse him& 6ut if you en2oy me and my inventiveness, then future ages %ill commend your %orthy taste& @4*RKS: ;or my dance first here call on $eus, high-ruling king of all among the gods+and on Poseidon,

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so great and po%erful+the one %ho %ith his trident %ildly heaves the earth and all the )rine-filled seas, and on our famous father Sky, the most revered, %ho can supply all things %ith life& And invite the @harioteer %hose daBBling light fills this %ide %orld so mightily for every man and deity& @4*RKS #EA!ER: The %isest in this audience should here take note+ youve done us %rong, and %e confront you %ith the )lame& 'e confer more )enefits than any other god upon your city, yet %ere the only ones to %hom you do not sacrifice or pour li)ations, though %ere the gods %ho keep protecting you& f theres some senseless army e3pedition, then %e respond )y thundering or )ringing rain& And %hen you %ere selecting as your general that Paphlagonian tanner hated )y the gods,%e fro%ned and then complained aloud+our thunder pealed among the lightning )ursts, the moon moved off her course, the sun at once pulled his %ick )ack inside himself, and said if @leon %as to )e your general then hed give you no light& ,onetheless, you chose him& They say this city likes to make disastrous choices, )ut that the gods, no matter %hat mistakes you make, convert them into something )etter& f you %ant your recent choice to turn into a )enefit, can tell you ho%+its easy& @ondemn the man+ that seagull @leon+for )ri)ery and theft&Set him in the stocks, a %ooden yoke around his neck& Then, even if youve made a really )ig mistake, for you things %ill )e as they %ere )efore your vote, and for the city this affair %ill turn out %ell& @4*RKS: Phoe)us Apollo, stay close )y, lord of !elos, %ho sits on high, )y lofty @ynthos mountain sidesN and holy lady, %ho resides in Ephesus, in your gold shrine, %here #ydian girls pray all the timeN Athena, too, %ho guards our home,

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her aegis raised a)ove her o%n, and he %ho holds Parnassus peaks and shakes his torches as he leaps, lord !ionysus, %hose shouts call amid the !elphic )acchanal&@4*RKS #EA!ER: 'hen %e %ere getting ready to move over here, ?oon met us and told us, first of all, to greet, on her )ehalf, the Athenians and their allies& Then she said she %as upset+the %ay you treat her is disgraceful, though she )rings you all )enefits+ not 2ust in %ords )ut in her deeds& To start %ith, she saves you at least one drachma every month for torchlight+ in the evening, %hen you go outside, you all can say, 7,o need to )uy a torch, my )oy, ?oons light %ill do 2ust fine&8 She claims she helps you all in other %ays, as %ell, )ut you dont calculate your calendar the %ay you should+no, instead you make it all confused, and thats %hy, she says, the gods are al%ays making threats against her, %hen they are cheated of a meal and go )ack home )ecause their cele)ration has not taken place according to a proper count of all the days&And then, %hen you should )e making sacrifice, youre torturing someone or have a man on trial& And many times, %hen %e gods undertake a fast, )ecause %ere mourning ?emnon or Sarpedon,youre pouring out li)ations, having a good laugh& Thats the reason, after his choice )y lot this year to sit on the religious council, 4yper)olos had his %reath of office snatched off )y the gods& That should make him )etter understand the need to count the days of life according to the moon&[(nter Socrates from the interior of the Thinkery& S*@RATES: 6y Respiration, @haos, and the Air, ve never seen a man so crude, stupid, clumsy, and forgetful& 4e tries to learn the tiny trifles, )ut then he forgets )efore hes even learned them& ,onetheless, ll call him outside here into the light&
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[Socrates calls back into the interior of the Thinkery& Strepsiades, %here are you( @ome on out+ and )ring your )ed& STREPS A!ES: [from inside& the )ugs %ont let me& S*@RATES: cant carry it out+ Het a move on& ,o%"

[Stre siades enters carrying his bedding& S*@RATES: Put it there& And pay attention& STREPS A!ES: [ utting the bed down& There"

S*@RATES: @ome no%, of all the things you never learned %hat to you %ant to study first( Tell me& [Stre siades is %ery u11led by the -uestion& S*@RATES: Poetic measures( !iction( Rhythmic verse( STREPS A!ES: ll take measures& =ust the other day the man %ho deals in )arley cheated me+ a)out t%o Iuarts& S*@RATES: Thats not %hat mean& 'hich music measure is most )eautiful+ the triple measure or Iuadruple measure( STREPS A!ES: As a measure nothing )eats a gallon& S*@RATES: ?y dear man, youre 2ust talking nonsense& STREPS A!ES: Then make me a )et+ say a gallon is made up of Iuadruple measures& S*@RATES: *h damn you+youre such a country )umpkin+ so slo%" ?ay)e you can learn more Iuickly if %e deal %ith rhythm& STREPS A!ES: help to get me food( 'ill these rhythms
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S*@RATES: 'ell, to )egin %ith, theyll make you elegant in company+ and youll recogniBe the different rhythms, the enoplian and the dactylic, %hich is like a digit&STREPS A!ES: #ike a digit" 6y god, thats something do kno%" S*@RATES: Then tell me&

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STREPS A!ES: 'hen %as a lad a digit meant this" [Stre siades sticks his middle finger straight u under Socrates nose& S*@RATES: :oure 2ust a crude )uffoon" STREPS A!ES: ,o, youre a fool+ dont %ant to learn any of that stuff& S*@RATES: 'ell then, %hat( STREPS A!ES: :ou kno%, that other thing+ ho% to argue the most un2ust cause& S*@RATES: 6ut you need to learn these other matters )efore all that& ,o%, of the Iuadrupeds %hich one can %e correctly la)el male( STREPS A!ES: 'ell, kno% the males, if m not %itless+ the ram, )illy goat, )ull, dog, and fo%l& S*@RATES: And the females( STREPS A!ES: co%, )itch and fo%l&The e%e, nanny goat,
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S*@RATES: :ou see %hat youre doing( :oure using that %ord 7fo%l8 for )oth of them, @alling males %hat people use for females& STREPS A!ES: 'hats that( dont get it&

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S*@RATES: 8;o%l8 and 7;o%l8 & & &

'hats not to get(

STREPS A!ES: 6y Poseidon, see your point& All right, %hat should call them( S*@RATES: @all the male a 7fo%l8+ and call the other one 7fo%lette&8 STREPS A!ES: 7;o%lette(8 6y the Air, thats good" =ust for teaching that ll fill your kneading )asin up %ith flour, right to the )rim&S*@RATES: *nce again, another error" :ou called it )asin+a masculine %ord+ %hen its feminine& STREPS A!ES: 4o% so( !o call the )asin masculine( S*@RATES: ts 2ust like @leonymos&STREPS A!ES: Tell me& ndeed you do& 4o%s that(
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S*@RATES: :ou treated the %ord )asin 2ust as you %ould treat @leonymos& STREPS A!ES: [totally bewildered by the con%ersation& 6ut my dear man, he didnt have a )asin+ not @leonymos+not for kneading flour& 4is round mortar %as his prick+the %anker+ he kneaded that to mastur)ate&6ut %hat should call a )asin from no% on( S*@RATES: @all it a )asinette, 2ust as youd say the %ord Sostratette& STREPS A!ES: S*@RATES: t is indeed& 6asinette+its feminine(
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STREPS A!ES: All right, then, should say @leonymette and )asinette&S*@RATES: :ouve still got to learn a)out peoples names+ %hich ones are male and %hich are female& STREPS A!ES: kno% %hich ones are feminine& S*@RATES: STREPS A!ES: #ysilla, Philinna, @leitagora, !emetria & & & S*@RATES: 'hich names are masculine( Ho on&

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STREPS A!ES: There are thousands of them+Philo3enos, ?elesias, Amynias & & & S*@RATES: :ou fool, those names are not all masculine&STREPS A!ES: :ou dont think of them as men( 'hat(
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S*@RATES: ndeed dont& f you met Amynias, ho% %ould you greet him( STREPS A!ES: 4o%( #ike this, 74ere, Amynia, come here&8S*@RATES: :ou see( :ou said OAmynia,O a %omans name& STREPS A!ES: And thats fair enough, since shes un%illing to do army service& 6ut %hats the point( 'hy do need to learn %hat %e all kno%( S*@RATES: Thats irrelevant, )y god& ,o% lie do%n+ [indicating the bed& right here& STREPS A!ES: And do %hat(
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S*@RATES: :ou should contemplate+ think one of your o%n pro)lems through&

STREPS A!ES: ,ot here, )eg you+no& f have to do it, let me do my contemplating on the ground& S*@RATES: ,o+youve got no choice& STREPS A!ES: [crawling %ery reluctantly into the bedding& ,o% m done for+ these )ugs are going to punish me today& [Socrates e.its back into the Thinkery& @4*RKS: ,o% ponder and think, focus this %ay and that& :our mind turn and toss& And if youre at a loss, then Iuickly go find a ne% thought in your mind& ;rom your eyes you must keep all soul-soothing sleep&
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STREPS A!ES: *h, god & & & ahhhhh & & & @4*RKS: 'hats %rong %ith you( 'hy so distressed( STREPS A!ES: m dying a misera)le death in here" These @orinthian cra%lers keep )iting me&gna%ing on my ri)s, slurping up my )lood, yanking off my )alls, tunneling up my arse hole+ theyre killing me" @4*RKS: !ont complain so much& STREPS A!ES: 'hy not( 'hen ve lost my goods, lost the colour in my cheeks, lost my )lood, lost my shoes, and, on top of all these trou)les, m here like some night %atchman singing out+ it %ont )e long )efore m done for& 2(nter Socrates from inside the Thinkery& S*@RATES: 'hat are you doing( Arent you thinking something(

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STREPS A!ES: ?e( :es am, )y Poseidon& S*@RATES: 'hat a)out(

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STREPS A!ES: 'hether theres going to )e any of me left once these )ugs have finished& S*@RATES: %hy dont you drop dead" [Socrates e.its back into the Thinkery& STREPS A!ES: m dying right no%& 6ut my dear man, :ou im)ecile,

@4*RKS #EA!ER: !ont get soft& @over up+ get your %hole )ody underneath the )lanket& :ou need to find a good idea for fraud, a se3y %ay to cheat& STREPS A!ES: !amn it all+ instead of these lam)skins here, %hy %ont someone thro% over me a lovely larcenous scheme(

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[Stre siades co%ers his head with the wool blankets. (nter Socrates from the Thinkery and looks around thinking what to do& S*@RATES: ;irst, d )etter check on %hat hes doing& :ou in there, are you asleep( STREPS A!ES: [unco%ering his head& S*@RATES: 4ave you grasped anything( STREPS A!ES: S*@RATES: ,othing at all( STREPS A!ES: havent grasped a thing+ e3cept my right hands %rapped around my cock& S*@RATES: Then cover your head and think up something+ get a move on" ,o, )y god, havent& ,o, m not&
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STREPS A!ES: 'hat should think a)out( Tell me that, Socrates& S*@RATES: ;irst you must formulate %hat it is you %ant& Then tell me& STREPS A!ES: :ouve heard %hat %ant a thousand times+ %ant to kno% a)out interest, so ll not have to pay a single creditor& S*@RATES: cover up& @ome along no%,

GA/

[Stre siades co%ers his head again, and Socrates s eaks to him through the blanket&
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,o%, carve your slender thinking into tiny )its, and think the matter through, %ith proper pro)ing and analysis&

STREPS A!ES: Ahhh & & & )loody hell" S*@RATES: !ont shift around& f one of your ideas is going no%here, let it go, leave it alone& #ater on, start it again and %eigh it one more time& STREPS A!ES: ?y dear little Socrates & & & S*@RATES: %hat is it( :es, old man,

STREPS A!ES: ve got a lovely scheme to avoid paying interest& S*@RATES: #ay it out&

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STREPS A!ES: All right& Tell me no% & & & S*@RATES: 'hat is it(

STREPS A!ES: 'hat if purchased a Thessalian %itch and in the night had her haul do%n the moon+

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then shut it up in a circular )o3, 2ust like a mirror, and kept %atch on it& S*@RATES: 4o% %ould that provide you any help( STREPS A!ES: 'ell, if no moon ever rose up any%here, d pay no interest& S*@RATES: And %hy is that(
GF/

STREPS A!ES: 6ecause they lend out money )y the month& S*@RATES: Thats good& ll give you another pro)lem+ its tricky& f in court someone sued you to pay five talents, %hat %ould you do to get the case discharged& STREPS A!ES: ll have to think& 4o%( dont kno%&

0DA/1

S*@RATES: These ideas of yours+ dont keep them %ound up all the time inside you& #et your thinking loose+out into the air+ %ith thread around its foot, 2ust like a )ug&STREPS A!ES: 4ey, ve devised a really clever %ay to make that la%suit disappear+its so good, youll agree %ith me& S*@RATES: 'hats your %ay(

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STREPS A!ES: At the drug sellers shop have you seen that )eautiful stone you can see right through, the one they use to start a fire( S*@RATES: STREPS A!ES: :es& S*@RATES: So %hat( :ou mean glass(

STREPS A!ES: 'hat if took that glass, and %hen the scri)e %as %riting out the charge, stood )et%een him and the sun+like this+

0DD/1

some distance off, and made his %riting melt, 2ust the part a)out my case(S*@RATES: thats a smart idea" 6y the Hraces,

STREPS A!ES: 4ey, m happy+ ve erased my la% suit for five talents& S*@RATES: So hurry up and tackle this ne3t pro)lem& STREPS A!ES: 'hat is it( S*@RATES: 4o% %ould you evade a charge and launch a counter-suit in a hearing youre a)out to lose %ithout a %itness( STREPS A!ES: ,o pro)lem there+its easy& S*@RATES: So tell me&

.///

STREPS A!ES: %ill& f there %as a case still pending, another one )efore my case %as called, d run off and hang myself&
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S*@RATES:

Thats nonsense&
././

STREPS A!ES: ,o, )y the gods, its not& f %ere dead, no one could )ring a suit against me& S*@RATES: Thats ru))ish& =ust get a%ay from here& ll not instruct you any more& STREPS A!ES: 'hy not( @ome on, Socrates, in gods name& S*@RATES: Theres no point+ as soon as you learn anything, its gone, you forget it right a%ay& #ook, 2ust no%, %hat %as the very first thing you %ere taught(

STREPS A!ES: 'ell, lets see & & & The first thing+%hat %as it( 'hat %as that thing %e knead the flour in( !amn it all, %hat %as it( S*@RATES: To hell %ith you" :oure the most forgetful, stupidest old man & & & Het lost" STREPS A!ES: *h dear" ,o% m in for it& 'hat going to happen to me( m done for, if dont learn to t%ist my %ords around& @ome on, @louds, give me some good advice& @4*RKS #EA!ER: *ld man, heres our advice: if youve a son and hes full gro%n, send him in there to learn+ hell take your place& STREPS A!ES: 'ell, do have a son+ a really good and fine one, too+trou)le is he doesnt %ant to learn& 'hat should do( @4*RKS #EA!ER: :ou 2ust let him do that( STREPS A!ES: 4es a )ig lad+ and strong and proud+his mothers family are all high-flying %omen like @oesyra& 6ut ll take him in hand& f he says no, then ll evict him from my house for sure& [to Socrates& Ho inside and %ait for me a %hile& [Stre siades mo%es back across the stage to his own house& @4*RKS: [to Socrates& !ont you see youll Iuickly get from us all sorts of lovely things since %ere your only god( This man here is no% all set to follo% you in anything, you simply have to prod& :ou kno% the man is in a daBe& 4es clearly keen his son should learn& So lap it up+make haste+ get everything that you can raise&
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Such chances tend to change and turn into a different case& [Socrates e.its into the Thinkery. Stre siades and $heidi Stre siades is ushing his son in front of him& ides come out of their house.

STREPS A!ES: 6y the foggy air, you cant stay here+ not one moment longer" *ff %ith you+ go eat ?egacles out of house and home" P4E ! PP !ES: 4ey, father+you poor man, %hats %rong %ith you( 6y *lympian $eus, youre not thinking straight& STREPS A!ES: See that+7*lympian $eus8" Ridiculous+ to )elieve in $eus+and at your age" P4E ! PP !ES: 'hy laugh at that( STREPS A!ES: To think youre such a child+ and your vie%s so out of date& Still, come here, so you can learn a )it& ll tell you things& 'hen you understand all this, youll )e a man& 6ut you mustnt mention this to anyone& P4E ! PP !ES: All right, %hat is it( STREPS A!ES: :ou 2ust s%ore )y $eus&

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P4E ! PP !ES: Thats right& did& STREPS A!ES: :ou see ho% useful learning is( Pheidippides, theres no such thing as $eus& P4E ! PP !ES: Then %hat is there( STREPS A!ES: hes pushed out $eus& P4E ! PP !ES: Morte3 no% is king+

6ah, thats nonsense"

STREPS A!ES: :ou should kno% thats ho% things are right no%& P4E ! PP !ES: 'ho says that(

STREPS A!ES: Socrates of ?elosand @haerephon+they kno% a)out fleas footprints& P4E ! PP !ES: 4ave you )ecome so craBy you )elieve these fello%s( Theyre disgusting" STREPS A!ES: 'atch your tongue& !ont say nasty things a)out such clever men+ men %ith )rains, %ho like to save their money& Thats %hy not one of them has ever shaved, or oiled his skin, or visited the )aths to %ash himself& :ou, on the other hand, keep on )athing in my livelihood, as if d died&- So no% get over there, as Iuickly as you can& Take my place and learn& P4E ! PP !ES: 6ut %hat could anyone learn from those men thats any use at all(
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STREPS A!ES: :ou have to ask( 'hy, %ise things+the full e3tent of human thought& :oull see ho% thick you are, ho% stupid& =ust %ait a moment here for me& [Stre siades goes into his house& P4E ! PP !ES: *h dear, 'hat %ill do( ?y fathers lost his %its& !o haul him off to get committed, on the ground that hes a lunatic, or tell the coffin-makers hes gone nuts& [Stre siades returns with two birds, one in each hand. "e holds out one of them& STREPS A!ES: @ome on no%, %hat do you call this( Tell me& P4E ! PP !ES: ts a fo%l& STREPS A!ES: P4E ! PP !ES: Thats good& 'hats this( Thats a fo%l&

./F/

STREPS A!ES: Theyre )oth the same( :oure )eing ridiculous& ;rom no% on, dont do that& @all this one 7fo%l,8 and this one here 7fo%lette&8 P4E ! PP !ES: 7;o%lette8( Thats it( Thats the sort of clever stuff you learned in there, )y going in %ith these Sons of Earth(STREPS A!ES: :es, it is+ and lots more, too& 6ut everything learned, right a%ay forgot, )ecause m old& P4E ! PP !ES: That %hy you lost your cloak( STREPS A!ES: didnt lose it+ gave it to kno%ledge+a donation& P4E ! PP !ES: And your sandals+%hat you do %ith them, you deluded man( STREPS A!ES: =ust like Pericles, lost them as a 7necessary e3pense&86ut come on, lets go& ?ove it& f your dad asks you to do %rong, you must o)ey him& kno% did 2ust %hat you %anted long ago, %hen you %ere si3 years old and had a lisp+ %ith the first o)ol got for 2ury %ork, at the feast of $eus got you a toy cart& P4E ! PP !ES: :oure going to regret this one fine day& STREPS A!ES: Hood+youre doing %hat ask& [Stre siades calls inside the Thinkery& come out here & & & [(nter Socrates from inside the Thinkery& 4ere+ ve )rought my son to you& 4e %asnt keen, )ut persuaded him& S*@RATES: 4es still a child+he doesnt kno% the ropes& Socrates,

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P4E ! PP !ES: Ho hang yourself up on some rope, and get )eaten like a %orn-out cloak& STREPS A!ES: !amn you" 'hy insult your teacher( S*@RATES: #ook ho% he says 7hang yourself8+it sounds like )a)y talk& ,o crispness in his speech&'ith such a fee)le tone ho% %ill he learn to ans%er to a charge or summons or speak persuasively( And yet its true 4yper)olos could learn to master that+ it cost him one talent&STREPS A!ES: !ont )e concerned& Teach him& 4es naturally intelligent& 'hen he %as a little )oy+2ust that tall+ even then at home he )uilt small houses, carved out ships, made chariots from leather, and fashioned frogs from pomegranate peel& :ou cant imagine" Het him to learn those t%o forms of argument+the 6etter, %hatever that may )e, and the 'orse& f not )oth, then at least the un2ust one+ every trick youve got& S*@RATES: 4ell learn on his o%n from the t%o styles of reasoning& ll )e gone& STREPS A!ES: 6ut remem)er this+he must )e a)le to speak against all 2ust arguments&

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[(nter the 3etter 4rgument from inside the Thinkery, talking to the 5orse 4rgument who is still inside& 6ETTER ARHK?E,T: @ome on& Sho% yourself to the people here+ guess youre )old enough for that& [The 5orse 4rgument emerges from the Thinkery& '*RSE ARHK?E,T: Ho %here you please& The odds are greater can %ipe you out %ith lots of people there to %atch us argue& 6ETTER ARHK?E,T: :oull %ipe me out( 'hod you think you are(
..</

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'*RSE ARHK?E,T: An argument& 6ETTER ARHK?E,T: :es, )ut second rate&

'*RSE ARHK?E,T: :ou claim that youre more po%erful than me, )ut ll still conIuer you& 6ETTER ARHK?E,T: do you intend to use( '*RSE ARHK?E,T: ne% principles& 'hat clever tricks ll formulate :es, thats in fashion no%,

6ETTER ARHK?E,T: [indicating the audience& thanks to these idiots& '*RSE ARHK?E,T:

,o, no& Theyre smart&

6ETTER ARHK?E,T: ll destroy you utterly& '*RSE ARHK?E,T: Tell me that& 6ETTER ARHK?E,T: And ho%( 6y arguing %hats 2ust&

0G//1

'*RSE ARHK?E,T: That can overturn in my response, )y arguing theres no such thing as =ustice& 6ETTER ARHK?E,T: t doesnt e3ist( Thats %hat you maintain( '*RSE ARHK?E,T: 'ell, if it does, %here is it( 6ETTER ARHK?E,T: 'ith the gods&

..>/

'*RSE ARHK?E,T: 'ell, if =ustice does e3ist, ho% come $eus hasnt )een destroyed for chaining up his dad&6ETTER ARHK?E,T: This is going from )ad to %orse& feel sick& ;etch me a )asin& '*RSE ARHK?E,T: youre so ridiculous& :ou silly old man+

6ETTER ARHK?E,T: you )um fucker& '*RSE ARHK?E,T:

And youre Iuite shameless, Those %ords you speak+like roses"

0G./1

6ETTER ARHK?E,T: 6uffoon" '*RSE ARHK?E,T: :ou adorn my head %ith lilies&

6ETTER ARHK?E,T: :ou destroyed your father" '*RSE ARHK?E,T: :ou dont mean to, )ut youre sho%ering me %ith gold& 6ETTER ARHK?E,T: ,o, not gold+ )efore this age, those names %ere lead& '*RSE ARHK?E,T: your insults are a credit to me& 6ut no%,
..A/

6ETTER ARHK?E,T: :oure too o)streperous& '*RSE ARHK?E,T: :oure archaic&

6ETTER ARHK?E,T: ts thanks to you that none of our young men is keen to go to school& The day %ill come %hen the Athenians %ill all realiBe ho% you teach these silly fools& '*RSE ARHK?E,T: its disgusting& :oure dirty+

6ETTER ARHK?E,T: 6ut youre doing very %ell+ although in earlier days you %ere a )eggar, claiming to )e Telephos from ?ysia, eating off some vie%s of Pandeletos, %hich you kept in your %allet&'*RSE ARHK?E,T: you 2ust reminded me & & & That %as )rilliant+

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6ETTER ARHK?E,T: t %as lunacy" :our o%n craBiness+the citys, too& t fosters you %hile you corrupt the young&

'*RSE ARHK?E,T: :ou cant teach this )oy+youre old as @ronos& 6ETTER ARHK?E,T: :es, must+if hes going to )e redeemed and not 2ust prattle empty ver)iage& '*RSE ARHK?E,T: [to $heidi ides& @ome over here+leave him to his foolishness& 6ETTER ARHK?E,T: :oull regret it, if you lay a hand on him& @4*RKS #EA!ER: Stop this fighting, all these a)usive %ords& [addressing first the 3etter 4rgument and then the 5orse 4rgument& nstead, e3plain the things you used to teach to young men long ago+then you lay out %hats ne% in training no%& 4e can listen as you present opposing arguments and then decide %hich school he should attend& 6ETTER ARHK?E,T: m %illing to do that& '*RSE ARHK?E,T: All right %ith me&
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@4*RKS #EA!ER: @ome on then, %hich one of you goes first( '*RSE ARHK?E,T: ll grant him that right& *nce hes said his piece, ll shoot it do%n %ith )rand-ne% e3pressions and some fresh ideas& 6y the time m done, if he so much as mutters, hell get stung )y my opinions on his face and eyes+ like so many hornets+hell )e destroyed& @4*RKS: Trusting their skill in argument, their phrase-making propensity, these t%o men here are no% intent to sho% %hich one %ill prove to )e the )etter man in oratory& ;or %isdom no% is )eing hard pressed+ my friends, this is the crucial test& @4*RKS #EA!ER: [addressing the 3etter 4rgument& ;irst, you %ho cro%ned our men in days gone )y %ith so much virtue in their characters,
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lets hear that voice %hich )rings you such delight+ e3plain to us %hat makes you %hat you are& 6ETTER ARHK?E,T: All right, ll set out ho% %e organiBed our education in the olden days, %hen talked a)out %hats 2ust and prospered, %hen people %ished to practise self-restraint& ;irst, there %as a rule+children made no noise, no muttering& Then, %hen they %ent outside, %alking the streets to the music masters house, groups of youngsters from the same part of to%n %ent in straight lines and never %ore a cloak, not even %hen the sno% fell thick as flour& There he taught them to sing %ith thighs apart&They had memoriBe their songs+such as, 8!readful Pallas 'ho !estroys 'hole @ities,8 and 7A @ry ;rom ;ar A%ay&8 These they sang in the same style their fathers had passed do%n& f any young lad fooled around or tried to innovate %ith some ne% flourishes, like the contorted sounds %e have today from those %ho carry on the Phrynis style,0GD/1

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he %as )eaten, soundly thrashed, his punishment for tarnishing the ?use& At the trainers house, %hen the )oys sat do%n, they had to keep their thighs stretched out, so they %ould not e3pose a thing %hich might e3cite erotic torments in those looking on& And %hen they stood up, they smoothed the sand, )eing careful not to leave imprints of their manhood there for lovers& Ksing oil, no young lad ru))ed his )ody underneath his navel+thus on his se3ual parts there %as a de%y fuBB, like on a peach& 4e didnt make his voice all soft and s%eet to talk to lovers as he %alked along, or %ith his glances coyly act the pimp& 'hen he %as eating, he %ould not 2ust gra) a radish head, or take from older men some dill or parsley, or eat dainty food& 4e %asnt allo%ed to giggle, or sit there %ith his legs crossed&

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'*RSE ARHK?E,T: AntiIuated ru))ish" ;illed %ith festivals for $eus Polieus, cicadas, slaughtered )ulls, and @edeides&6ETTER ARHK?E,T: 6ut the point is this+these very features in my education )rought up those men %ho fought at ?arathon& 6ut look at you+ you teach these young men no% right from the start to %rap themselves in cloaks& t enrages me %hen the time comes for them to do their dance at the Panathenaea festival and one of them holds his shield lo% do%n, over his )alls, insulting Tritogeneia&And so, young man, thats %hy you should choose me, the 6etter Argument& 6e resolute& :oull find out ho% to hate the market place, to shun the pu)lic )aths, to feel ashamed of shameful things, to fire up your heart %hen someone mocks you, to give up your chair %hen older men come near, not to insult your parents, nor act in any other %ay %hich )rings disgrace or %hich could mutilate your image as an honoura)le man& :oull learn not to run off to dancing girls, in case, %hile gaping at them, you get hit %ith an apple thro%n )y some little slut, and your fine reputations done for, and not to contradict your father, or remind him of his age )y calling him apetus+not %hen he spent his years in raising you from infancy&'*RSE ARHK?E,T: ?y )oy, if youre persuaded )y this man,
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then )y !ionysus, youll finish up 2ust like 4ippocrates sons+and then theyll all call you a sucker of the tit&6ETTER ARHK?E,T: :oull spend your time in the gymnasium+ your )ody %ill )e sleek, in fine condition& :ou %ont )e hanging round the market place, chattering filth, as )oys do no%adays& :ou %ont keep on )eing hauled a%ay to court over some damned sticky fierce dispute

.5F/

0./5/1

a)out some triviality& ,o, no& nstead youll go to the Academy,to race under the sacred olive trees, %ith a decent friend the same age as you, %earing a %hite reed garland, %ith no cares& :oull smell ye% trees, Iuivering poplar leaves, as plane trees %hisper softly to the elms, re2oicing in the spring& tell you this+ if you carry out these things mention, if you concentrate your mind on them, youll al%ays have a gleaming chest, )right skin, )road shoulders, tiny tongue, strong )uttocks, and a little prick& 6ut if you take up %hats in fashion no%adays, youll have, for starters, fee)le shoulders, a pale skin, a narro% chest, huge tongue, a tiny )um, and a large skill in framing long decrees&And that man there %ill have you )elieving %hats )ad is good and %hats good is )ad& Then hell give you Antimachos disease+ youll )e infected %ith his )uggery&-

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.9//

@4*RKS: * you %hose %isdom stands so tall, the most illustrious of all& The odour of your %ords is s%eet, the flo%ering )loom of modest %ays+ happy %ho lived in olden days" [to the 5orse 4rgument& :our rivals made his case e3tremely %ell, so you %ho have such nice artistic skill& must in reply give some ne% frill&
.9./

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@4*RKS #EA!ER: f you %ant to overcome this man it looks as if youll need to )ring at him some clever stratagems +unless you %ant to look ridiculous& '*RSE ARHK?E,T: ts a)out time" ?y guts have long )een churning %ith desire to rip in fragments all those things he said,

%ith counter-arguments& Thats %hy m called 'orse Argument among all thinking men, )ecause %as the very first of them to think of coming up %ith reasoning against our normal %ays and 2ust decrees& And its %orth lots of money+more, in fact, than drachmas in si3 figures-+to select the %eaker argument and yet still %in& ,o% 2ust see ho% ll pull his system do%n, that style of education %hich he trusts& ;irst, he says he %ont let you have hot %ater %hen you take a )ath& 'hats the idea here( 'hy o)2ect to having a %arm )ath( 6ETTER ARHK?E,T: The effect they have is very harmful+ they turn men into co%ards& '*RSE ARHK?E,T: 'ait a minute" The first thing you say ve caught you out& ve got you round the %aist& :ou cant escape& Tell me this+of all of $eus children %hich man, in your vie%, had the greatest heart and carried out the hardest tasks( Tell me& 6ETTER ARHK?E,T: n my vie%, no one %as a )etter man
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than 4ercules& '*RSE ARHK?E,T: And %hered you ever see cold %ater in a )ath of 4ercules( 6ut %ho %as a more manly man than him(6ETTER ARHK?E,T: Thats it, the very things %hich our young men are al%ays )a))ling on a)out these days+ cro%ding in the )ath house, leaving empty all the %restling schools& '*RSE ARHK?E,T: ,e3t, youre not happy %hen they hang around the market place+ )ut think thats good& f it %ere shameful, 4omer %ould not have la)elled ,estor+ and all his clever men+great pu)lic speakers&,o%, ll move on to their tongues, %hich this man says the young lads should not train& say they should&
.9</

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4e also claims they should )e self-restrained& These t%o things in2ure them in ma2or %ays& 'here have you ever %itnessed self-restraint )ring any )enefit to anyone( Tell me& Speak up& Refute my reasoning&

6ETTER ARHK?E,T: There are lots of people& ;or e3ample, Peleus %on a s%ord for his restraint&'*RSE ARHK?E,T: A s%ord" 'hat a magnificent re%ard the poor %retch received" 'hile 4yper)olos, %ho sells lamps in the market, is corrupt and )rings in lots of money, )ut, god kno%s, hes never %on a s%ord& 6ETTER ARHK?E,T: 6ut his virtue ena)led Peleus to marry Thetis&'*RSE ARHK?E,T: Then she ran off, a)andoning the man, )ecause he didnt %ant to spend all night having hard s%eet se3 )et%een the sheets+ that rough-and-tum)le love that %omen like& :oure 2ust a crude old-fashioned @ronos& ,o%, my )oy, 2ust think off all those things that self-restraint reIuires+youll go %ithout all sorts of pleasures+)oys and %omen, drunken games and tasty delicacies, drink and riotous laughter& 'hats life %orth if youre deprived of these( So much for that& ll no% move on to physical desires& :ouve strayed and fallen in love+had an affair %ith someone elses %ife& And then youre caught& :oure dead, )ecause you dont kno% ho% to speak& 6ut if you hang around %ith those like me, you can follo% %hat your nature urges& :ou can leap and laugh and never think of anything as shameful& f, )y chance, youre discovered scre%ing a mans %ife, 2ust tell the hus)and youve done nothing %rong& 6lame $eus+alleging even hes someone %ho cant resist his urge for se3 and %omen& And ho% can you )e stronger than a god( :oure 2ust a mortal man&
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6ETTER ARHK?E,T: All right+)ut suppose he trusts in your advice and gets a radish rammed right up his arse, and his pu)ic hairs are )urned %ith red-hot cinders& 'ill he have some reasoned argument to demonstrate hes not a loose-arsed )ugger('*RSE ARHK?E,T: So his assholeEs large+ %hy should that in any %ay upset him( 6ETTER ARHK?E,T: @an one suffer any greater harm than having a loose asshole( '*RSE ARHK?E,T: 'hat %ill you say if defeat you on this point( 6ETTER ARHK?E,T: 'hat more could a man say( ll shut up&

.9G/

'*RSE ARHK?E,T: @ome on, then+ Tell me a)out our legal advocates& 'here are they from( 6ETTER ARHK?E,T:
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.<//

They come from loose-arsed )uggers&

'*RSE ARHK?E,T: grant you that& 'hats ne3t( *ur tragic poets, %here they from( 6ETTER ARHK?E,T: They come from ma2or assholes&

'*RSE ARHK?E,T: Thats right& 'hat a)out our politicians+ %here do they come from( 6ETTER ARHK?E,T: ;rom gigantic assholes"

'*RSE ARHK?E,T: All right then+surely you can recogniBe ho% youve )een spouting ru))ish( #ook out there+ at this audience+%hat sort of people are most of them( 6ETTER ARHK?E,T: All right, m looking at them&
.<./

'*RSE ARHK?E,T: 'ell, %hat do you see(

6ETTER ARHK?E,T: 6y all the gods, almost all of them are men %ho spread their cheeks& ts true of that one there, kno% for sure & & & and that one & & & and the one there %ith long hair&
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'*RSE ARHK?E,T: So %hat do you say no%( 6ETTER ARHK?E,T: 'eve )een defeated& *h you fuckers, for gods sake take my cloak+ m defecting to your ranks& [The 3etter 4rgument takes off his cloak and e.its into the Thinkery& '*RSE ARHK?E,T: [to Stre siades& !o you %ant to take your son a%ay( *r, to help you out, am to teach him ho% to argue( 'hat no%(

STREPS A!ES: Teach him+%hip him into shape& !ont forget to sharpen him for me, one side ready to tackle legal Iui))les& *n the other side, give his 2a% an edge for more important matters&
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'*RSE ARHK?E,T: !ont %orry& :oull get )ack a person skilled in sophistry& P4E ! PP !ES: Someone misera)ly pale, figure& @4*RKS #EA!ER: think you may regret this later on& [5orse 4rgument and $heidi his own house& All right& Ho in&

ides go into the Thinkery, while Stre siades returns into

@4*RKS #EA!ER: 'ed like to tell the 2udges here the )enefits theyll get, if they help this chorus, as )y right they should& ;irst, if you %ant to plough your lands in season, %ell rain first on you and on the others later& Then %ell protect your fruit, your gro%ing vines, so neither drought nor too much rain %ill damage them&
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.<9/

0..9/1

6ut any mortal %ho dishonours us as gods should )ear in mind the evils %e %ill )ring him& ;rom his land hell get no %ine or other harvest& 'hen his olive trees and fresh young vines are )udding, %ell let fire %ith our sling shots, to smash and )reak them& f %e see him making )ricks, %ell send do%n rain, %ell shatter roofing tiles %ith our round hailstones& f ever theres a %edding for his relatives, or friends, or for himself, %ell rain all through the night, so hed rather live in Egypt than 2udge this %rong&

.<</

[Stre siades comes out of his house, with a small sack in his hand& STREPS A!ES: ;ive more days, then four, three, t%o+and then the day comes dread more than all the rest& t makes me shake %ith fear+the day that stands )et%een the *ld ?oon and the ,e%+the day %hen any man happen to o%e money to s%ears on oath hell put do%n his deposit, take me to court&- 4e says hell finish me, do me in& 'hen make a modest plea for something fair, 7?y dear man, dont demand this payment no%, postpone this one for me, discharge that one,8 they say the %ay things are theyll never )e repaid+then they go at me,
0..</1

.<>/

a)use me as unfair and say theyll sue& 'ell, let them go to court& 2ust dont care, not if Pheidippides has learned to argue& ll find out soon enough& #etEs knock here, at the thinking school& [Stre siades knocks on the door of the Thinkery& 6oy & & & 4ey, )oy & & & )oy" [Socrates comes to the door& S*@RATES: 4ello there, Strepsiades& STREPS A!ES: 4ello to you& ;irst of all, you must accept this present&
.<A/

[Stre siades hands Socrates the small sack& ts proper for a man sho% respect to his sons teacher in some %ay& Tell me+ has the )oy learned that style of argument you )rought out here 2ust no%( S*@RATES: :es, he has&

STREPS A!ES: n the name of ;raud, Iueen of everything, thats splendid ne%s" S*@RATES: :ou can defend yourself in any suit you like+and %in& STREPS A!ES: Even if there %ere %itnesses around %hen took out the loan( S*@RATES: The more the )etter+ even if they num)er in the thousands& STREPS A!ES: [in a arody of tragic style& Then %ill roar aloud a mighty shout+ Ah ha, %eep no% you petty money men, %ail for yourselves, %ail for your principal, %ail for your compound interest& ,o more %ill you afflict me %ith your evil %ays& *n my )ehalf theres gro%ing in these halls a son %hos got a gleaming t%o-edged tongue+
0..A/1

can(
.<D/

hes my protector, saviour of my home, a menace to my foes& 4e %ill remove the mighty tri)ulations of his sire& Run off inside and summon him to me& [Socrates goes back into the Thinkery& ?y son, my )oy, no% issue from the house+ and hearken to your fathers %ords&

.<F/

[Socrates and $heidi ides come out of the Thinkery. $heidi ides has been transformed in a earance, so that he now looks, mo%es, and talks like the other students in the Thinkery&

S*@RATES: 4eres your young man& STREPS A!ES: S*@RATES: Take him and go a%ay& [Socrates e.its back into the Thinkery& STREPS A!ES: Ah ha, my lad+ %hat 2oy& 'hat sheer delight for me to gaBe,
0..D/1

Ah, my dear, dear )oy&

first, upon your colourless comple3ion, to see ho% right a%ay youre %ell prepared to deny and contradict+%ith that look %hich indicates our national character so clearly planted on your countenance+ the look %hich says, 7'hat do you mean(8+the look %hich makes you seem a victim, even though youre the one at fault, the criminal& kno% that Attic stare stamped on your face& ,o% you must rescue me+since youre the one %hos done me in& P4E ! PP !ES: 'hat are you scared a)out(

.<G/

STREPS A!ES: The day of the *ld ?oon and the ,e%& P4E ! PP !ES: :ou mean theres a day thats old and ne%( STREPS A!ES: The day they say theyll make deposits to charge me in the courts"
0..F/1

.>//

P4E ! PP !ES: Then those %ho do that %ill lose their cash& Theres simply no %ay one day can )e t%o days& STREPS A!ES: t cant( 4o%(

P4E ! PP !ES: Knless its possi)le a single %oman can at the same time )e )oth old and young&

STREPS A!ES: :et that seems to )e %hat our la%s dictate&

P4E ! PP !ES: n my vie% they 2ust dont kno% the la%+ not %hat it really means& STREPS A!ES: 'hat does it mean(
.>./

P4E ! PP !ES: *ld Solon )y his nature loved the people&STREPS A!ES: 6ut thats got no )earing on the *ld !ay+ or the ,e%& P4E ! PP !ES:
0..G/1

'ell, Solon set up t%o days

for summonses+the *ld !ay and the ,e%, so deposits could )e made %ith the ,e% ?oon&STREPS A!ES: Then %hy did he include *ld !ay as %ell( P4E ! PP !ES: So the defendants, my dear fello%, could sho% up one day early, to settle )y mutual agreement, and, if not, they should )e very %orried the ne3t day %as the start of a ,e% ?oon& STREPS A!ES: n that case, %hy do 2udges not accept deposits once the ,e% ?oon comes )ut only on the day )et%een the *ld and ,e%( P4E ! PP !ES: t seems to me they have to act like those %ho check the food+ they %ant to gra) as fast as possi)le at those deposits, so they can ni))le them a day ahead of time& STREPS A!ES: Thats %onderful" [to the audience& :ou helpless fools" 'hy do you sit there+ so idiotically, for us %ise types to take advantage of( Are you 2ust stones, ciphers, merely sheep or stacked-up pots( This calls for a song to me and my son here, to cele)rate good luck and victory& ["e sings&

.>5/

0.5//1

.>9/

* Strepsiades is truly )lessed for cleverness the very )est, %hat a )rainy son hes raised& So friends and to%nsfolk sing his praise& Each time you %in theyll envy me+ youll plead my case to victory& So lets go in+ %ant to treat, and first give you something to eat&

.></ 0.5./1

[Stre siades and $heidi ides go together into their house. (nter one of Stre siades creditors, $asias, with a friend as his witness& PAS AS: Should a man thro% a%ay his money( ,ever" 6ut it %ould have )een much )etter, )ack then at the start, to forget the loan and the em)arrassment than go through this+ to drag you as a %itness here today in this matter of my money& ll make this man from my o%n deme my enemy&6ut ll not let my country do%n+never+
0.55/1

.>>/

not as long as m alive& And so & & & [raising his %oice& m summoning Strepsiades & & & STREPS A!ES: PAS AS: & & & on this *ld !ay and the ,e%& STREPS A!ES: ask you here to %itness that hes called me for t%o days& 'hats the matter( PAS AS: The loan you got, t%elve minai, %hen you )ought that horse+the dapple grey& STREPS A!ES: A horse( !ont listen to him& :ou all kno% ho% hate horses& PAS AS: 'hats more, )y $eus, you s%ore on all the gods youd pay me )ack& STREPS A!ES: :es, )y god, )ut Pheidippides )ack then did not yet kno% the iron-clad argument on my )ehalf& 'ho is it(

.>A/

PAS AS: So no%, )ecause of that, youre intending to deny the de)t(
0.59/1

STREPS A!ES: f dont, %hat advantage do gain from everything hes learned( PAS AS: Are you prepared to s%ear you o%e me nothing+)y the gods+ in any place tell you( STREPS A!ES: 'hich gods(

PAS AS: 6y $eus, )y 4ermes, )y Poseidon& STREPS A!ES: :es, indeed, )y $eus+and to take that oath d even pay three e3tra o)ols&PAS AS: :oure shameless+may that ruin you some day" STREPS A!ES: [ atting $asias on the belly& This %ine skin here %ould much )etter off if you ru))ed it do%n %ith salt&PAS AS: youre ridiculing me" !amn you+ A)out four gallons,
.>D/

STREPS A!ES: [still atting $asias aunch& thats %hat it should hold&

PAS AS: 6y mighty $eus, )y all the gods, youll not make fun of me and get a%ay %ith it" STREPS A!ES:
0.5</1

Ah, you and your gods+

.>F/

thats so incredi)ly funny& And $eus+ to s%ear on him is Iuite ridiculous to those %ho understand&

PAS AS: Some day, s%ear, youre going to have to pay for all of this& 'ill you or %ill you not pay me my money( Hive me an ans%er, and ll leave&

STREPS A!ES: @alm do%n+ ll give you a clear ans%er right a%ay& [Stre siades goes into his house, lea%ing $asias and the 5itness by themsel%es& PAS AS: 'ell, %hat do you think hes going to do( !oes it strike you hes going to pay( [(nter Stre siades carrying a kneading basin& STREPS A!ES: 'heres the man %hos asking me for money( Tell me+%hats this( PAS AS: 'hats that( A kneading )asin&
.>G/

STREPS A!ES: :oure demanding money %hen youre such a fool( %ouldnt pay an o)ol )ack to anyone
0.5>/1

%ho called a )asinette a )asin& PAS AS: So you %ont repay me( STREPS A!ES: As far as kno%, %ont& So %hy dont you 2ust hurry up and Iuickly scuttle from my door& PAS AS: m off& #et me tell you+ ll )e making my deposit& f not, may not live another day" [$asias e.its with the 5itness& STREPS A!ES: [calling after them& Thatll )e more money thro%n a%ay+ on top of the t%elve minai& dont %ant you going thorough that 2ust )ecause youre foolish and talk a)out a kneading basin&

.A//

[(nter 4mynias, another creditor, lim ing "e has ob%iously been hurt in some way& A?:, AS: *h, its )ad& Poor me" STREPS A!ES: 4old on& 'hos this %hos chanting a lament( s that the cry

0.5A/1

of some god perhaps+one from @arcinus(A?:, AS: 'hats that( :ou %ish to kno% %ho am( m a man %ith a misera)le fate" STREPS A!ES: Then go off on your o%n& A?:, AS: [in a grand tragic manner& 7* cruel god, * fortune fracturing my chariot %heels, * Pallas, ho% youve annihilated me"8STREPS A!ES: 4o%s Tlepolemos done nasty things to you(A?:, AS: !ont laugh at me, my man+)ut tell your son to pay me )ack the money he received, especially %hen m going through all this pain& STREPS A!ES: 'hat money are you talking a)out( A?:, AS: The loan he got from me&
0.5D/1 .A./

STREPS A!ES: youre having a )ad time&

t seems to me

A?:, AS: 6y god, thats true+ %as driving in my chariot and fell out& STREPS A!ES: 'hy then )a))le on such utter nonsense, as if youd 2ust fallen off a donkey( A?:, AS: f %ant him to pay )ack my money am talking nonsense( STREPS A!ES: think its clear your minds not thinking straight& A?:, AS: 'hys that(
.A5/

STREPS A!ES: ;rom your )ehaviour here, it looks to me as if your )rains )een shaken up&

A?:, AS: 'ell, as for you, )y 4ermes, ll )e suing you in court, if you dont pay the money& STREPS A!ES: Tell me this+ do you think $eus al%ays sends fresh %ater each time the rain comes do%n, or does the sun suck the same %ater up from do%n )elo% for %hen it rains again( A?:, AS: and dont care& dont kno% %hich+
.A9/

0.5F/1

STREPS A!ES: Then ho% can it )e 2ust for you to get your money reim)ursed, %hen you kno% nothing of celestial things( A?:, AS: #ook, if you havent got the money no%, at least repay the interest& STREPS A!ES: This 7interest8+ 'hat sort of creature is it( A?:, AS: !ont you kno%( ts nothing )ut the %ay that money gro%s, al%ays getting larger day )y day month )y month, as time goes )y& STREPS A!ES: Thats right& 'hat a)out the sea( n your opinion, is it more full of %ater than )efore( A?:, AS: ,o, )y $eus+ its still the same& f it gre%, that %ould violate all natural order& STREPS A!ES: n that case then, you misera)le rascal, if the sea sho%s no increase in volume %ith so many rivers flo%ing into it, %hy are you so keen to have your money gro%( ,o%, %hy not chase yourself a%ay from here( [calling inside the house& 6ring me the cattle prod" A?:, AS: have %itnesses"

.A</ 0.5G/1

[The sla%e comes out of the house and gi%es Stre siades a cattle rod. Stre siades starts oking 4mynias with it& STREPS A!ES: @ome on" 'hat you %aiting for( ?ove it, you pedigree nag" A?:, AS: This is outrageous"
.A>/

STREPS A!ES: [continuing to oke 4mynias away& Het a move on+or ll shove this prod
0.9//1

all the %ay up your horse-racing rectum" [4mynias runs off stage& :ou running off( Thats %hat meant to do, get the %heels on that chariot of yours really moving fast& [Stre siades goes back into his house& @4*RKS: *h, its so nice to %orship vice& This old man here adores it so he %ill not clear the de)ts he o%es& 6ut theres no %ay he %ill not fall some time today, done in )y all his trickeries, hell Iuickly fear depravities hes started here& t seems to me hell soon %ill see his clever son put on the sho% he %anted done so long ago+ present a case against %hats true

.AA/

.AD/

0.95/1

and )eat all those he runs into %ith sophistry& 4ell %ant his son Pit may %ell )eQ to )e struck dum)&

.AF/

[(nter Stre siades running out of his house with $heidi him o%er the head&

ides close behind him hitting

STREPS A!ES: 4elp" 4elp" :ou neigh)ours, relatives, fello% citiBens, help me+ m )egging you" m )eing )eaten up" *%%%, m in such pain+ my head & & & my 2a%& 0To $heidi ides& :ou good for nothing, are you hitting your o%n father( P4E ! PP !ES: :es, dad, am&
.AG/

STREPS A!ES: See that" 4e admits hes )eating me& P4E ! PP !ES: do indeed& STREPS A!ES: :ou scoundrel, criminal+ a man %ho a)uses his o%n father" P4E ! PP !ES: Ho on+keep calling me those very names+ the same ones many times& !ont you realiBe 2ust love hearing streams of such a)use( STREPS A!ES: :ou perverted asshole" P4E ! PP !ES:
0.99/1

Ah, some roses"

Jeep pelting me %ith roses"" :oud hit your father(

STREPS A!ES:

P4E ! PP !ES: :es, and )y the gods ll no% demonstrate ho% %as right to hit you& STREPS A!ES: :ou total %retch, ho% can it )e right to strike ones father( P4E ! PP !ES: Ell prove that to you+and %in the argument&

.D//

STREPS A!ES: :oull )eat me on this point( P4E ! PP !ES: ndeed, %ill& ts easy& So of the t%o arguments choose %hich one you %ant& STREPS A!ES: 'hat t%o arguments(

P4E ! PP !ES: The 6etter or the 'orse& STREPS A!ES: 6y god, my lad, really did have you taught to argue against %hats 2ust, if you succeed in this+ and make the case its fine and 2ustified for a father to )e )eaten )y his son& P4E ! PP !ES: 'ell, think ll manage to convince you, so that once youve heard my arguments, you %ont say a %ord& STREPS A!ES: 'ell, to tell the truth, do %ant to hear %hat you have to say& @4*RKS: :ouve some %ork to do, old man& Think ho% to get the upper hand& 4es got something he thinks %ill %ork, or hed not act like such a 2erk& Theres something makes him confident+ his arrogance is evident&
0.9>/1 .D./

@4*RKS #EA!ER: [addressing Stre siades& 6ut first you need to tell the @horus here ho% your fight originally started& Thats something you should do in any case& STREPS A!ES: :es, ll tell you ho% our Iuarrel first )egan& As you kno%, %e %ere having a fine meal& first asked him to take up his lyre and sing a lyric )y Simonides-+ the one a)out the ram )eing shorn& 6ut he immediately refused+saying that playing the lyre %hile %e %ere drinking

.D5/

%as out of date, like some %oman singing %hile grinding )arley& P4E ! PP !ES: 'ell, at that point, you should have )een ground up and trampled on+ asking for a song, as if you %ere feasting
0.9A/1

.D9/

%ith cicadas& STREPS A!ES: The %ay heEs talking no%+ thats 2ust ho% he %as talking there )efore& 4e said Simonides %as a )ad poet& could hardly stand it, )ut at first did& Then asked him to pick up a myrtle )ranch and at least recite some Aeschylus for me&4e replied at once, 7 n my opinion, Aeschylus is first among the poets for lots of noise, unevenness, and )om)ast+ he piles up %ords like mountains&8 !o you kno% ho% hard my heart %as pounding after that( 6ut clenched my teeth and kept my rage inside, and said, 7Then recite me something recent, from the ne%er poets, some %itty verse&8
0.9D/1

.D</

So he then right off started to declaim some passage from Euripides in %hich, spare me this, a )rother %as en2oying se3 %ith his o%n sister+ from a common mother& couldnt keep my temper any more+ so on the spot ver)ally attacked %ith all sorts of nasty, shameful language& Then, as one might predict, %e %ent at it+ hurling insults at each other )ack and forth& 6ut then he 2umped up, pushed me, thumped me, choked me, and started killing me& P4E ! PP !ES: Surely %as entitled to do that to a man %ho %ill not praise Euripides, the cleverest of all& STREPS A!ES: 4im( The cleverest( 4a" 'hat do call you( ,o, %ont say+ d 2ust get )eaten one more time&

.D>/

.DA/

P4E ! PP !ES: :es, )y $eus, you %ould+and %ith 2ustice, too& STREPS A!ES: 4o% %ould that )e 2ust( :ou shameless man, )rought you up& 'hen you lisped your %ords, listened Ltil recogniBed each one& f you said 7%aa,8 understood the %ord and )rought a drinkN if you asked for 7foo foo,8 d )ring you )read& And if you said 7poo poo8 d pick you up and carry you outside, and hold you up& 6ut %hen you strangled me 2ust no%, screamed and yelled had to shit+ )ut you didnt dare to carry me outside, you nasty )rute, you kept on throttling me, until crapped myself right %here %as&
0.9G/1

.DD/

@4*RKS: think the hearts of younger spry are pounding no% for his reply+ for if he acts in 2ust this %ay and yet his logic %ins the day ll not value at a pin any older persons skin& @4*RKS #EA!ER: ,o% do%n to %ork, you spinner of %ords, you e3plorer of )rand ne% e3pressions& Seek some %ay to persuade us, so it %ill appear that %hat youve )een saying is right& P4E ! PP !ES: 4o% s%eet it is to )e conversant %ith things %hich are ne% and clever, capa)le
0.<//1

.DF/

of treating %ith contempt esta)lished %ays& 'hen %as only focused on my horses, couldnt say three %ords %ithout going %rong& 6ut no% this man has made me stop all that, m %ell acIuainted %ith the su)tlest vie%s, and arguments and frames of mind& And so, do )elieve ll sho% ho% 2ust it is to punish ones o%n father& STREPS A!ES: 6y the gods, keep on %ith your horses then+for me

.DG/

caring for a four-horse team is )etter than )eing )eaten to a pulp& P4E ! PP !ES: ll go )ack to %here %as in my argument, %hen you interrupted me& ;irst, tell me this+ !id you hit me %hen %as a child( STREPS A!ES: :es& 6ut %as doing it out of care for you& P4E ! PP !ES: Then tell me this: s it not right for me to care for you in the same %ay+to )eat you+ since thats %hat caring means+a )eating( 'hy must your )ody )e e3cept from )lo%s, %hile mine is not( %as )orn a free man, too& 8The children ho%l+you think the father should not ho%l as %ell(8 :oure going to claim the la%s permit this practice on our children& To that %ould reply that older men are in their second childhood& ?ore than that+ it makes sense that older men should ho%l )efore the young, )ecause theres far less chance their natures lead them into errors& STREPS A!ES: Theres no la% that fathers have to suffer this&
0.<5/1

.F//

.F./

P4E ! PP !ES: 6ut surely some man first )rought in the la%, someone like you and me( And %ay )ack then people found his arguments convincing& 'hy should have less right to make ne% la%s for future sons, so they can take their turn and )eat their fathers( All the )lo%s %e got )efore the la% %as )rought in %ell erase, and %ell demand no pay)ack for our )eatings& @onsider cocks and other animals+ they avenge themselves against their fathers& And yet ho% are %e different from them, e3cept they dont propose decrees( STREPS A!ES:
0.<9/1

.F5/

'ell then,

since you %ant to )e like cocks in all you do, %hy not sleep on a perch and feed on shit( P4E ! PP !ES: ?y dear man, thats not the same at all+ not according to %hat Socrates %ould think& STREPS A!ES: Even so, dont )eat me& ;or if you do, youll have yourself to )lame& P4E ! PP !ES: 'hys that(

.F9/

STREPS A!ES: 6ecause have the right to chastise you, if you have a son, youll have that right %ith him& P4E ! PP !ES: f dont have one, ll have cried for nothing, and youll )e laughing in your grave& STREPS A!ES: [addressing the audience& All you men out there my age, it seems to me hes arguing %hats right& And in my vie%, %e should concede to these young sons %hats fair& ts only right that %e should cry in pain %hen %e do something %rong& P4E ! PP !ES: @onsider no% another point& STREPS A!ES: tll finish me"
0.<</1

.F</

,o, no&

P4E ! PP !ES: 6ut then again perhaps you %ont feel so misera)le at going through %hat youve suffered& STREPS A!ES: 'hats that( E3plain to me ho% )enefit from this& P4E ! PP !ES: ll thump my mother, 2ust as hit you& STREPS A!ES: 'hats did you 2ust say( 'hat are you claiming( This second point is even more disgraceful&
.F>/

P4E ! PP !ES: 6ut %hat if, using the 'orse Argument, )eat you arguing this proposition+ that its only right to hit ones mother( STREPS A!ES: 'hat else )ut this+if you do a thing like that, then %hy stop there( 'hy not thro% yourself and Socrates and the 'orse Argument
0.<>/1

into the e3ecution pit( [Stre siades turns towards the 'horus& ts your fault, you @louds, that have to endure all this& entrusted my affairs to you& @4*RKS #EA!ER: ,o& :oure the one responsi)le for this& :ou turned yourself to%ard these felonies& STREPS A!ES: 'hy didnt you inform me at the time, instead of luring on an old country man( @4*RKS: Thats %hat %e do each time %e see someone %ho falls in love %ith evil strategies, until %e hurl him into misery,
0.<A/1

.FA/

so he may learn to fear the gods& STREPS A!ES: *h dear& Thats harsh, you @louds, )ut fair enough& shouldnt have kept trying not to pay that cash )orro%ed& ,o%, my dearest lad, come %ith me+lets e3terminate those men, the scoundrel @haerephon and Socrates, the ones %ho played their tricks on you and me& P4E ! PP !ES: 6ut couldnEt harm the ones %ho taught me& STREPS A!ES: :es, you must& Revere Paternal $eus&P4E ! PP !ES: =ust listen to that+Paternal $eus& 4o% out of date you are" !oes $eus e3ist( STREPS A!ES: 4e does&
.FD/

P4E ! PP !ES:
0.<D/1

,o, no, he doesnt+thereEs no %ay,

.FF/

for Morte3 has no% done a%ay %ith $eus and rules in everything& STREPS A!ES: 4e hasnt killed him&

["e oints to a small statue of a round goblet which stands outside Thinkery& thought he had )ecause that statue there, the cup, is called a vorte3&- 'hat a fool to think this piece of clay could )e a god" P4E ! PP !ES: Stay here and )a))le nonsense to yourself& [$heidi ides e.its&-

STREPS A!ES: ?y god, %hat lunacy& %as insane to cast aside the gods for Socrates& [Stre siades goes u and talks to the small statue of "ermes outside his house& 6ut, dear 4ermes, dont vent your rage on me, dont grind me do%n& 6e merciful to me& Their empty )a))ling made me lose my mind&
0.<F/1

.FG/

Hive me your advice& Shall lay a charge, go after them in court& 'hat seems right to you(

["e looks for a moment at the statue& :ou counsel %ell& %ont launch a la% suit& ll )urn their house as Iuickly as can, these )a))ling fools& [Stre siades calls into his house& Canthias, come here& @ome outside+)ring a ladder+a mattock, too& then clim) up on top of that Thinkery and, if you love your master, smash the roof, until the house collapses in on them&

.G//

[)anthias comes out with ladder and mattock, climbs u onto the Thinkery and starts demolishing the roof&

0.<G/1

Someone fetch me a flaming torch out here& They may )rag all they like, )ut here today ll make some)ody pay the penalty for %hat they did to me&

[4nother sla%e comes out and hands Stre siades a torch. "e #oins )anthias on the roof and tries to burn down the inside of the Thinkery& STK!E,T: [from inside the Thinkery& 4elp" 4elp"

STREPS A!ES: @ome on, Torch, put your flames to %ork& [Stre siades sets fire to the roof of the Thinkery. 4 student rushes outside and looks at Stre siades and )anthias on the roof& STK!E,T: :ou there, %hat are you doing( STREPS A!ES: 'hat am doing( 'hat else )ut picking a good argument %ith the roof )eams of your house( [4 second student a ears at a window as smoke starts coming out of the house&

STK!E,T: 4elp" 'hos setting fire to the house( STREPS A!ES: %hose cloak you stole& STK!E,T: ts the man

'ell die& :oull kill us all"

.G./

STREPS A!ES: Thats %hat %ant+unless this mattock disappoints my hopes or fall through someho%
0.>//1

and )reak my neck&

[Socrates comes out of the house in a cloud of smoke. "e is coughing badly& S*@RATES: 'hat are you doing up on the roof(

STREPS A!ES: %alk on air and contemplate the sun& S*@RATES: [coughing& This is )ad+ m going to suffocate& STK!E,T: [still at the window& 'hat a)out poor me( ll )e )urned up&

[Stre siades and )anthias come down from the roof& STREPS A!ES: [to Socrates& 'hy %ere you so insolent %ith gods in %hat you studied and %hen you e3plored the moons a)ode( @hase them off, hit them, thro% things at them+for all sorts of reasons, )ut most of all for their impiety&

.G5/

[Stre siades and )anthias chase Socrates and the students off the stage and e.it after them& @4*RKS #EA!ER: #ead us on out of here& A%ay" 'eve had enough of song and dance today& [The 'horus e.its&