I had neon genesis spoiled for me, and Im not sure if that made any difference in how I saw

it. I knew that shinji killed kaworu, and kaworu had been the only person to tell shinji that he loved him. Whether that changed the way I experienced the show, I dont know. Whether the way I experience the show effects my analysis, Im not sure of either. I wasnt sad about the series directly after I watched the show. I watched rebirth of evangelion and the three subsequent movies. It was only after 3.33, that I felt depressed. Im not sure what bothered me, but I heard that great stories do that. Theyre supposed to upset you, or disturb you in some way, supposedly to break down preconceived notions without you even realizing it? I cant/couldnt stop thinking about evangelion for weeks. Im not sure what it is that bothers me. Whenever I think about episode 24, I get a tight knot in my chest. I had thought that I could relate to Shinjis character almost perfectly. Everything that he did made perfect sense to me; everything that he was feeling I felt. I didnt understand Asukas character either, and had no idea that she felt any love for him. I retreated from her character like he did. I also think that she could have been more of a complicated character, and am confused by people who can relate with her (and not with shinji). Episode 24: I think I understand why shinji killed kaworu, and its whole significance. Kaworu was the only person who loved shinji. Shinji reciprocated that love. Shinji in previous episode had said that piloting the robot had made people accept him (and to an extent, killing angels). The three human emotional needs: need to love and be loved, need to belong, need to make a difference. Shinji made a difference, and did so by piloting the robot. However, he felt little need to make a difference, and believed little in his self worth. When he realized Kaworu was an angel, Shinji felt that he had no choice but to kill him. Kaworu wanted to die. Nerv wanted Kaworu to die. By following Nervs orders, shinji had acceptance, a role in the world. Perhaps it was this acceptance that he valued over love? Shinji had always obeyed orders thinking that it made him happy. In the end, he obeyed Nervs orders, and Kaworus orders, and destroyed his own happiness. In any case Shinji killed the only person who loved him, and the only person who might have brought him out of his depression. I thought the human instrumentality thing was a really good idea, but really poorly done. Like, at the end, everyone was still getting mad at shinji inside his mind, as though that should be motivation for him liking himself. Asukas character, I couldnt relate to at all. I suppose, that she had abandonment problems because of her mother, so she became totally independent. But otherwise, her reasoning for taking out her anger on others, or being mad at others for feelings she cant express is unexplained. I dont understand why she would be mean to others for their lack of self-expression, or in general, why the audience seems to like

her way of handling pain better than Shinjis, when shes actively trying to cause pain to cope with her own.