Contents

vi viii 1 ' 1( 2* (1 *( /* '1 11 166 122 1*1 145 154 21* 222 225

Preface Acknowledgments

1.
2. (. *. /. '. 1. 4. 5. 16. 11. 12. 1(. 1*.

Must You Feel Angry? How You Create Your wn Anger! "#e A$Cs of %&$" "#e )nsanity of Anger +ooking for ,elf-Angering P#iloso.#ies 0nderstanding Your ,elf-Angering P#iloso.#ies 2is.uting Your ,elf-Angering P#iloso.#ies ,ome Met#ods of "#inking Your 3ay out of Anger ,ome Met#ods of Feeling Your 3ay out of Anger ,ome Met#ods of Acting Your 3ay out of Anger More %et#inking A7out Your Anger %i..ing 0. Your %ationali8ations for %emaining Angry More 3ays of vercoming Anger Acce.ting Yourself 3it# Your Anger Postscri.t! How to 2eal 3it# )nternational "errorism %eferences )nde9 A7out t#e Aut#or

Must You Feel Angry?

You:d 7etter face t#e #ard reality t#at situations t#at frustrate or .revent you from attaining your goals and from en;oying w#at you want really do e9ist. $ut #ave you no c#oice 7ut to feel angry at t#ese everyday <#orrors<? Most mental #ealt# e9.erts agree t#at you must feel anger. "#ey see t#e new7orn infant as e9.ressing emotions com.ara7le to anger and rage in t#e first #ours of life. And t#roug#out all ages of develo.ment #umans confront almost daily t#eir own feelings of anger and t#ose of ot#er .eo.le w#om t#ey encounter. Most aut#orities say you need your anger to .rotect yourself from t#e onslaug#ts of a #ostile and aggressive world. )f you do not always remain on your guard= you will stay vulnera7le to ot#ers w#o will dominate and e9.loit you= ;eo.ardi8e your freedom and .ro.erty= and take advantage of your .assivity 7y a7using you for t#eir own .ersonal gain wit# no regard to your welfare. 3#at= e9actly= is anger? )t is a s.ecial combination of your t#oug#ts= feelings= and 7e#aviors= w#en you are >or t#ink you are? severely frustrated 7y unfortunate conditions and 7y .eo.le:s <unfair< 7e#avior. As Howard @assinove and #is colla7orators .oint out and as Mark "er;esen and %a.#ael %ose agree= w#en you feel angry= you

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#ave a negative internal feeling state accom.anied 7y t#inking and .erce.tual distortions and deficiencies >es.ecially misa..raisals and attri7utions of ot#er .eo.le:s in;ustice?. Your angry t#oug#ts and feelings lead you to .#ysiological arousal and tendencies to act against your <aggressors.< Many aut#orities on anger= including %aymond 2iBiuse..e= 7elieve t#at angry >and de.ressed? individuals <are unsta7le in t#e way t#ey assign 7lame and #ave an unsta7le sense of self.< %aymond C#i. "afrate and #is researc# associates found t#at su7;ects #ig# on trait anger were more .rone to dysfunctional t#inking and also e9.erienced a greater num7er of .#ysical sensations t#an .eo.le w#o were low on trait anger. Aron ,iegman and ,elena ,now discovered t#at t#e full-7lown e9.ression of anger is a form of emotional distur7ance w#ile t#e mere inner e9.erience of anger is not. At t#e same time= as ) s#all s#ow t#roug#out t#is 7ook= anger is often self-.rotective= is a very normal #uman res.onse= and #as #el.ed .reserve t#e #uman race. Your failing to fig#t for w#at you want leaves you t#e alternative of remaining .assive w#en ot#ers take advantage of and .revent you from ac#ieving your goals. "#us= most aut#orities today generally leave you wit# one of two alternatives for dealing wit# anger! Feel t#e anger 7ut sit on it= sCuelc# it= deny and re.ress it. Feel t#e anger and freely e9.ress it. ,Cuelc#ing your anger doesn:t get you muc# of anyw#ere= and une9.ressed rage will do you more #arm t#an candidly and freely e9.ressed feelings. ,igmund Freud:s hydraulic theory states t#at anger and ot#er emotions #ave a tendency to increase in intensityD to e9.and under .ressure like steam in a kettleDso t#at if you sCuelc# your emotions= if you don:t give free vent to t#em= you run t#e risk of doing some real #arm to yourself. P#ysical #arm suc# as stomac# ulcers= #ig# 7lood .ressure= or ot#er sometimes more severe .syc#osomatic reactions result. )n addition= refraining from giving #onest e9.ression to your feelingsDkee.ing t#ese feelings .ent u. inside youDdoesn:t #el. you lose your anger. Euite t#e contrary. You will= in all .ro7a7ility= feel muc# worse. For your anger #asn:t gone away= 7ut stays rig#t t#ere in your <gut.< And now

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3 you can easily turn overly critical of yourself for not standing u. for your rig#ts wit# t#ose w#o #ave caused t#e in;ustice. Conversely= if you let yourself feel aut#entically angry and let ot#ers know a7out your feelings= you may encounter .ro7lems of Cuite anot#er nature. For .eo.le will receive your free e9.ression of anger in most instances as an outwardly aggressive or #ostile action= and will .ro7a7ly close t#emselves off from you and defensively res.ond to you with further #ostility. ,ome t#era.ists in t#e field #ave attem.ted to solve t#e .ro7lem wit# still anot#er alternative= w#at t#ey call creative aggression >or constructive anger). "#is differs from t#e above free-expression met#od in t#at you e9.ress yourself more controlla7ly and #o.e >often against #o.eF? t#at ot#ers will willingly listen to your .oint of view. )n t#e following e9am.le ) will attem.t to illustrate t#e dynamics of t#e ot#er t#eories and t#en= using t#e same e9am.le t#roug#out t#e 7ook= will investigate t#e alternatives and solutions t#at %ational &motive $e#avior "#era.y offers. ) am confident t#at if you .ay close attention to t#ese .rinci.les= you will see t#at you can deal wit# .ro7lems relating to anger and ot#er emotions effectively and efficiently 7y use of t#e %&$" guidelines. +et us say t#at ) #ave .romised to s#are an a.artment wit# you as a roommate and to s#are t#e rent= .rovided you fi9 u. and furnis# t#e .lace. "#is seems agreea7le to you. You go to a good deal of trou7le and .ersonal e9.ense to kee. your .art of t#e 7argain. At t#e last minute ) inform you t#at ) #ave made ot#er .lans and cannot= will not kee. my .art of t#e agreement. You feel e9tremely angry wit# meG not only #ave you gone to considera7le e9.ense to kee. your agreement= 7ut you are distinctly inconvenienced in t#at you must at t#e last minute look for anot#er roommate. You may at first kee. your feelings of anger to yourself. $ut 7ecause you #ave t#ose feelings= une9.ressed= your underlying resentment greatly interferes wit# our friends#i.. ,o you see t#at not#ing gets resolved= t#at your seet#ing interferes wit# your ot#er activities as well= and t#at t#is solution won:t work. You decide to confront me wit# your feelings= to express t#em. <+ook #ere=< you say= <) won:t #ave you treating me like t#isF After

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all= you said you:d s#are t#e a.artment wit# me after ) #ad furnis#ed it. ) would never #ave fi9ed it u. #ad you not agreed to s#are it wit# me in t#e first .lace. You:ve clearly done me in= and acted really rottenly. How could you #ave done a t#ing like t#at to a friend? ):ve never done anyt#ing so nasty to you= and ) really don:t see #ow you can e9.ect anyone:s friends#i. if you treat .eo.le so terri7ly.< r instead= given t#e convenience of my #aving t#e ca.acity and willingness to .lay it wit# you= you use creative aggression, e9.ress your anger controlla7ly= and <.re.are< me for w#at will come. %eceiving my .ermission to o.en u. a7out your feelings= you go a#ead to e9.ress your anger. Alt#oug# your .erce.tion of my unfairness to you may 7e correct= your .resentation of it >eit#er t#roug# t#e free-e9.ression met#od or t#roug# creative aggression? can do more #arm t#an good. $ot# a..roac#es focus on my wrong= even if creative aggression allows for a softening of t#e 7low. "#roug# t#at focus= you can easily set t#e stage for additional .ro7lems wit# me. $y o.enly critici8ing me for my <outrageous< 7e#avior= you can .us# me to defend it. "#en any ste.s ) mig#t take to treat you more fairly would 7e #alted. %emem7er also t#at )= like most .eo.le= may #ave strong selfdowning tendencies. 3#en you .oint out to me my <error< or my una..ealing c#aracteristics= ) may carry your im.lications fart#er t#an you even intended. Hence= from your critical remarks= no matter #ow well= #ow creatively .ut= ) may feel guilt or self-downing= and will freCuently try to make you eCually self-7laming. 3e:d 7etter acknowledge t#ese very real .ro7lems as in#erent in eit#er of t#e two a..roac#es t#at recommend e9.ressing your anger. Aonet#eless= acknowledging t#is still does not solve your .ro7lem! 3#at do you do wit# your anger? ,o far we #ave seen #olding in your anger 7rings du7ious results. Yet freely e9.ressing it creates many ot#er .ro7lems. Creative aggression seems a more worka7le solution 7ut still s#ares some of t#e same difficulties. Anot#er alternativeDt#at of Christian forgivenessDinvolves t#e turning of t#e ot#er c#eek. $ut in t#is often #ostile world in w#ic#

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we live= t#is is somew#at im.ractical. Peo.le may feel far less intimidated 7y you and t#us all t#e more tem.ted to take advantage of your <good nature.< You may 7e#ave 7eautifully= 7ut unfortunately= t#at does not mean t#at ot#ers will res.ect you and treat you eCually well. After e9amining t#e a7ove alternatives in dealing wit# your anger= you may see t#at eac# a..roac# may work in a given situation= 7ut not in all situations. Furt#er= eac# one of t#ese a..roac#es #as serious and destructive draw7acks. ,o let us look for a formula t#at will allow you to deal wit# difficult situations and get w#at you want wit#out damaging your own integrity or inciting anger in ot#ers. "#e following c#a.ters will introduce met#ods t#at are free of t#e draw7acks of t#e ot#er a..roac#es already discussed. )f you read carefully and give your full attention to t#e tec#niCues .resented in t#is 7ook= if you take t#e time and trou7le to t#ink seriously a7out= e9.eriment wit#= and test out t#ese conce.ts in your own life= and if you energetically and conscientiously .ractice t#em over a .eriod of time= ) 7elieve t#at you= too= will see and en;oy t#e c#anges t#at %&$" #as #el.ed 7ring a7out in t#e anger .ro7lems of my clients and readers.

How You Create Your wn Anger! "#e A$Cs of %&$"

"#e A$Cs of %&$" >%ational &motive $e#avior "#era.y? can give you w#at ) call an elegant a..roac# to t#e .ro7lem of dealing wit# your anger. Aot a magical formulaDCuite t#e contrary= since %&$" concerns itself wit# seeking solutions and dealing wit# your .ro7lems in a realistic manner. )t .refers to stick wit# #ard#eaded facts of realityDnot wit# airy t#eories. How e9actly did t#e t#eory of %&$" evolve? 3#at does it #ave t#at makes it different from and often more effective t#an ot#er forms of .syc#ot#era.y? "#e 7asic .rinci.les of %&$" #ave evolved from my own e9tensive clinical researc# and e9.erience= furt#er su..orted 7y numerous e9.eriments done in t#is area. 2uring my career as a .syc#ot#era.ist ) #ave #ad occasion to use many different tec#niCues in treating my many clients. "#ese years #ave s#own me and my trainees t#at most of t#e .syc#oanalytic a..roac#es are ineffective= inefficient= and fail to meet t#e .ro7lems of most .eo.le w#o seek t#era.y. ) say t#is from my own .ersonal e9.erience. Alt#oug# t#e field of .syc#ot#era.y includes many tec#niCues and a..roac#es to #el.ing .eo.le= most of its met#ods are too e9.ensive and time consuming

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for 7ot# clients and t#era.ists. Aaturally= emotional .ro7lems t#emselves #ave enormous costs= and if long drawn-out ty.es of t#era.y s#ow .ositive and lasting results= t#e investment seems well wort# it. $ut alas= suc# t#era.ies= according to my own o7servations= do not a..ear to work out. ) #ave drawn many of t#e im.ortant .rinci.les of %&$" from t#e wisdom of .#iloso.#y as well as from t#e most modern .syc#ological advances. ,ince my yout# ) #ave made t#e in-de.t# study of .#iloso.#y a #o77yG and 7y incor.orating some of its .rinci.les into my t#era.eutic a..roac#= ) discovered t#at my clients could ac#ieve more effective results in far less time t#an w#en ) used ot#er a..roac#es. ) found t#at 7y my .resenting a .#iloso.#ical as well as a .syc#ological analysis= t#e client could en;oy t#e fruits of two sciences and 7enefit considera7ly from our efforts. Alt#oug# ):d naturally advise you to consult a com.etent rational t#era.ist w#en you #ave a serious .ro7lem= you can use %&$" to efficiently <t#era.i8e< yourself wit# little outside #el.. )n t#is 7ook ) will e9.lain #ow you create your own anger philosophicallyD7y consciously or unconsciously su7scri7ing to a7solutistic= demandoriented t#inking. )f you understand e9actly #ow to control and o.erate your t#inking= you will ena7le yourself= wit# t#e guidance of t#is 7ook= to undercut and c#ange t#e counter.roductive and destructive as.ects of your anger. %&$" #as designed met#ods in w#ic# you can dissolve your rage no matter w#at un;ust events #a..en to you. Per#a.s t#e most distressing fault t#at ) reali8ed w#ile using t#e usual tec#niCues of .syc#ot#era.y was t#is! 0.on termination of many years of t#era.y= clients still could not confront life:s difficult situations on t#eir own wit#out t#e continued #el. of t#eir t#era.ist. ) felt t#at after s.ending all t#at time and money my clients certainly deserved 7etter results. %at#er t#an continue wit# t#ese met#ods= ) 7egan to e9.eriment wit# some ideas of my own. $y com7ining .#iloso.#y wit# various a..roac#es used in t#era.y= ) devised t#e fundamental .rinci.les of %&$". "#e results were rewarding! )nstead of de.ending on me to give t#em useless inter.re-

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tations= my clients now #ad a realistic .ers.ective wit# w#ic# to t#ink and 7e#ave. )n a relatively s#ort time t#ey 7egan to s#ow more ra.id and lasting .rogress t#an from .revious met#ods. 3it# most of my clients= ) use realistic e9am.les to #el. t#em work t#roug# t#eir .ro7lems. Here= for t#e sake of clarity= ) s#all mainly stick to one consistent e9am.le t#roug#out t#e 7ookG so we s#all continue wit# t#e illustration already introduced in c#a.ter 1 . ) #ave .romised to s#are an a.artment wit# you if you go a#ead and fi9 it u. and furnis# it. 3e #ave agreed t#at from t#en on we will s#are t#e e9.enses. You #ave so far lived u. to your #alf of t#e agreement= 7ut at t#e last minute= wit#out am.le notice or e9.lanation= ) wit#draw from my .ortion of t#e agreement. You 7ecome enraged wit# me. How= 7y using %&$" met#ods= can you overcome your #ostility? 3e 7egin 7y locating C D t#e Emotional >or ehavioral) Conse!uence" your anger. Ae9t we look for A D your #dversity or #ctivating Event. $ failed to u.#old my .ortion of an im.ortant agreement 7etween us. As we look at A and C= it may a..ear t#at A causes C. %&$" t#eory assumes= #owever= t#at alt#oug# your Adversity or Activating &vent directly contributes to your &motional ConseCuence= it does not really cause it. 3e do not always easily see t#e dynamics of cause and effect. Yet if we look closely at t#is relations#i. 7etween A and C D as we will t#roug#out t#is 7ook D we will find ot#er factors involved and find t#at alt#oug# my wit#drawing from our agreement may #ave inconvenienced and disa..ointed you greatly= my <un;ust< action alone does not necessarily make you feel angry wit# me. )f we conclude t#at C directly results from A= t#en we would #ave to assume t#at w#enever we encountered any one .articular A= we would always e9.ect a .articular C. For instance= we know t#at water 7oils at one tem.erature and free8es at anot#er= and we find t#is true for all situations involving water and tem.erature. Yet w#en .eo.le and various situations interact toget#er= suc# laws of causality do not #old true. Most of us know occurrences in w#ic# we were sur.rised 7y a .erson:s reaction to a given situation. For instance= we #ave often #eard of victims of 7rutal crimes w#o= instead

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of coo.erating wit# t#e .olice and courts to 7ring t#eir assailant to ;ustice= #ave done ;ust t#e o..osite. "#ey #ave gone so far as to actually #el. t#eir assailant avoid .rosecution. )f we e9amine one #undred .eo.le= all victims of t#e same crime= we would surely find a large variation of res.onses among t#ese .eo.le. ,ome would act in t#e a7ove manner= ot#ers would o7sess t#emselves wit# t#e arrest and .rosecution of t#e .er.etrator= and yet ot#ers would res.ond at various .oints 7etween t#ese two e9tremes. An &motional and $e#avioral ConseCuence= alt#oug# affected 7y an Activating &vent or Adversity= does not directly and e9clusively result from it. Anot#er im.ortant .oint to kee. in mind! 3e do= in fact= #ave c#oices and control over our res.onses to every situation= and our feelings and res.onses often remain muc# more wit#in our control t#an we reali8e. "#e more aware we are of our e9isting alternatives= t#e more likely our a7ility to consider t#e situation in its .ro.er .ers.ective 7efore we take action. "#e intermediate t#oug#t .rocess t#at we carry on between A and C is an evaluation in w#ic# we make a decision t#at will determine our res.onse. "#e more aware we make ourselves of t#is intermediate .#ase= t#e 7etter c#ance we #ave of making a c#oice t#at makes us likely to ac#ieve our goals. "#roug# suc# c#oices we minimi8e t#e .ossi7ility of interfering wit# our .rogress 7y im.ulsive 7e#avior. "#e sciences of linguistics= .#iloso.#y= and .syc#ology #ave eac# attem.ted some e9.lanation of t#e dynamics of t#oug#t and cognition as t#ey affect our &motional ConseCuences. 3e rarely give muc# consideration to cognition= or #ow we t#ink= and t#erefore we seldom are aware of t#e influence it #as u.on our actions and reactions. You= like every ot#er .erson= #ave develo.ed a elief &ystem t#at you rely u.on to assist you in making ;udgments and evaluating situations= ideas= .eo.le= and events. Alt#oug# you #ave your own .ersonal 7elief or value system= you also #ave many 7eliefs consistent wit# ot#ers in your given society or culture. Yet in some im.ortant ways t#e $elief ,ystems of different cultures significantly differ. 3e continually discover t#at customs and 7e#avioral .atterns t#at we ;udge 7ar7aric and crude e9ist in civili8ed cultures. 3e also know

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t#at an individual may #old a num7er of different $elief ,ystems at once= t#at cultural norms c#ange during an individual:s lifetime= and t#at individuals can c#ange= sometimes radically= t#eir feelings and o.inions a7out many t#ings in order to remain #a..y and .roductive in an ever-c#anging world. As eac# society esta7lis#es sets of 7eliefs= values= and norms t#at 7ind its in#a7itants toget#er coo.eratively= its religious= .olitical= and .arental teac#ers .ass on guidelines t#at serve as foundations for t#e develo.ment of our own .ersonal $elief ,ystems. "#erefore= our individual $elief ,ystems include ideas not entirely our own. Muc# of w#at we t#ink good or 7ad= rig#t or wrong= we #ave im7i7ed from ot#ers. &ven t#oug# 7eliefs are influenced 7y environment= no universal norm e9ists. Ao action or .erson rates as eit#er good or 7ad in and of itself= 7ut instead is rated 7y somew#at ar7itrary and c#angea7le standards. +et us turn our attention to $= your $elief ,ystem. $efore advancing a detailed e9.lanation of $= let us clarify one main .oint. Alt#oug# $ e9erts an e9tremely strong influence u.on your reactions at C= we:d 7etter not see $ as t#e only factor in determining C 7ut always remem7er t#at A also influences your reactions. Your 7e#avior at C= t#en= follows a com7ination of A and $. As we s#all see later= you often cannot influence A alt#oug# you can determinedly tryF Your conce.tion of reality is not merely your res.onses to current e9ternal stimuli. "#is conce.tion instead stems from a vast store#ouse of your .revious e9.eriences and your .ersonal 7eliefs and associations related to t#ese e9.eriences. &very action you take follows a series of t#oug#ts= no matter #ow inde.endent t#ese actions a..ear. You tend to avoid t#ose situations t#at you consider re.ulsive= #armful= or distasteful= w#ile you seek t#ose t#at seem to you desira7le. Actually= t#e A$Cs of your feelings and actions are more com.licated t#an ) #ave ;ust indicated. As ) .ointed out in 15/' in my first .a.er on %&$" at t#e American Psyc#ological Association:s annual convention= your ConseCuences >C:s? include t#oug#ts= feelings=

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and 7e#aviorsDall of w#ic# integrally influence eac# ot#er. 3#en you t#ink= you also feel and 7e#aveG w#en you feel= you also t#ink and 7e#aveG and w#en you 7e#ave= you also t#ink and feel. Activating &vents >As? also include and interact wit# $eliefs >$:s?= and wit# ConseCuences >C:s?. 3e s#all discuss t#is in detail later. 0sing t#e %&$" model and once knowing w#at is #a..ening at $ and w#at are your ConseCuences at C= ) #ave found it easy to locate Cuickly and accurately im.ortant details a7out w#at you are most likely telling yourself at $= your $elief ,ystem. "#en ) can s#ow you >and ot#er .eo.le? #ow to deal wit# life:s difficult situations and teac# you to use t#e %&$" model yourself. f course= literally t#ousands of Activating &9.eriences and &motional ConseCuences e9ist. Yet %&$" #as discovered t#at in almost any situation you may .lace $ in one of a few categories. nce aware of 7ot# A and C= you can find $ wit# little difficultyDas ) s#all s#ow you fart#er on in t#is 7ook. )f your C >ConseCuence? is anger= %&$" s#ows you t#at your feelings of anger >or any ot#er self-defeating feeling? largely result from your .erceiving a <negative< e9.erience at A. )t also s#ows you t#at your $elief ,ystem #as strongly influenced your feelings at C. At t#is .oint %&$" seeks to #el. you discover e9actly w#at 7eliefs contri7ute to t#is anger and s#ow you #ow you can alter t#em 7y e9amining t#eir unreality and irrationality. You t#en can c#ange your un#ealt#y and un.roductive feelings of rage to #ealt#y and .roductive feelings of sorrow= disa..ointment= and frustration. 3#o actually originated t#e A$Cs of anger and of ot#er #uman distur7ances? Pro7a7ly t#e ancient Asian= Breek= and %oman .#iloso.#ers= from w#om ) first derived t#em. +ao-t8u and Bautama $udd#a= 7ot# of w#om lived in t#e si9t# century $.C.= saw t#at .eo.le .artly create and can c#oose to uncreate t#eir angry feelingsG and ,eneca and &.ictetus= in t#e first century A.2.= and following t#e Breek ,toic .#iloso.#ers from t#e fourt# century $.C.= were Cuite clear a7out .eo.le:s a7ility to construct and deconstruct t#eir angry feelings and actions. ,eneca wrote a 7ook= )n #nger, in w#ic# #e gave scores of e9am.les of #ow we make ourselves feel angry and #ow we can c#ange our t#inking and action to c#ange our feelings.

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After ) develo.ed %ational &motive $e#avior "#era.y >%&$"? 7etween 15/( and 15// and .resented my first .a.er on it in 15/'= a good many t#era.ists started working wit# and researc#ing t#e cognitive-7e#avioral a..roac# to anger and .roduced many studies and case #istories su..orting it. "#ese included Aaron $eck= Herry 2effen7ac#er= %aymond 2iBiuse..e= C#ris &ck#ardt= Howard @assinove= %aymond Aovaco= and C#i. "afrate. As a result of t#eir studies and many ot#ers= t#e A$Cs of inducing and reducing rage #ave 7een well esta7lis#ed in t#e .syc#ological literature. %eady for you to useF

"#e )nsanity of Anger

)n t#is c#a.ter ) will attem.t to s#ow #ow your rational and irrational $eliefs fall into only a few ma;or categories= and #ow you can learn to recogni8e and amend t#ese 7eliefs. 3e #ave learned t#at in %&$" we start at C. "#us= to give as clear an e9.lanation as .ossi7le of your $elief ,ystem= let us first consider an im.ortant .oint a7out C t#at we #ave so far neglected. )n %&$" we can divide all negative feelings into two ma;or categories. At .oint C >ConseCuence?= we #ave w#at we call!
+ealthy negative feelings and ,nhealthy negative feelings

Alt#oug# no strict or infle9i7le definition e9ists for eit#er category= we can sim.ly say t#at w#en any Adversity >A? occurs in your life= #ealt#y negative feeling consists of attitudes or a..roac#es t#at will #el. you get w#at you want and #el. you deal wit# w#at you don:t want. "#ey will encourage feelings and 7e#aviors t#at will #el. you remain alive and live in a reasona7ly #a..y and .roductive manner. )t follows= t#en= t#at un#ealt#y negative feelings tend to sa7otage or in#i7it you from ac#ieving w#at you desire.

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3e can also divide your $elief ,ystem into two 7asic categories!
-ational eliefs ./ s) and $rrational eliefs >)$s?

+et us 7egin wit# your %ational $eliefs >%$s?. 3e may safely assume t#at all #uman 7eings #ave some rational= self-#el.ing and social-aiding 7eliefs. ur coo.erative interaction wit# ot#er .eo.le strongly testifies to t#e fact t#at almost all of us #ave strong sets of rational 7eliefs t#at we use to control and direct our .ersonal and social 7e#avior. )f we did not= t#e #uman race would #ave .rogressed very little during its #istory. As noted in c#a.ter 2= we often learn our %ational $eliefs from our elders= and t#ey vary greatly in many res.ects from culture to culture. "#e ma;or guidelines for civili8ed norms and $elief ,ystems #ave undergone a .rocess of evolution ;ust as our 7odies and cultures #ave c#anged t#roug#out #istory. Human develo.ment and t#e develo.ment of our $elief ,ystems constitute .rocesses in w#ic# many factors interact. Almost every time somet#ing #a..ens to you at A >Activating &vent?= you res.ond in one of two ways! rationally or irrationally. Alt#oug# your res.onse often includes a com7ination of 7ot# modes= you can sometimes affect your actions more 7y one mode t#an t#e ot#er. For instance= you may ignore your %ational $eliefs and res.ond to a situation on a largely irrational level. Your )rrational $eliefs a7out an event may #ave= t#us= #ad an e9tremely strong= <winning< influence. +et us return now to our illustration and see if we can locate your %ational $eliefs. 3e know t#at you feel angry wit# me at C due to your .erce.tion of my 7e#avior at A= in t#at ) <unfairly< wit#drew from an im.ortant agreement wit# you. $ecause of t#is situation= you may say to yourself somet#ing like! <3#at a 7ad t#ing #e #as done to me. How terri7le of #im to treat me in suc# a s#oddy and inconsiderate mannerF< "#is may seem a rational or reasona7le statement. Aonet#eless= we can see= on reflection= t#at alt#oug# you a..ear to e9.ress only one idea #ere= you in fact #ave two ideas= eac# of w#ic# you:d 7etter consider se.arately.

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<3#at a 7ad t#ing #e #as done to me< >meaning= <He #as seriously frustrated my .lans= and #is actions #ave greatly inconvenienced me<?. "#e o7servation t#at ) #ave done a <7ad t#ing< to you seems accurate. ,econd= you tell yourself= <How terri7le of #im to treat me in suc# a s#oddy and inconsiderate manner.< Here you see w#at ) #ave done as <terri7le=< and you wind u. wit# an )rrational $elief. As we s#all see later= t#is idea of t#inking of an action or event as <terri7le< or <#orri7le< is un#ealt#y and irrational 7ecause it may lead you to do a good deal of damage to your goals and #a..iness. $y allowing your )$s to take .recedence over your %$s= you do not give sufficient attention to t#e full reality 7e#ind your Activating &9.erience. Your neglecting to contem.late= in advance= t#e .ossi7le outgrowt#s of your res.onse at C >ConseCuence?= may make you react self-destructively and can lead to t#e same kind of .ro7lems t#at we saw wit# 7ot# t#e free-e9.ression met#od and t#e <siton-your-anger< a..roac#. %ational &motive $e#avior "#era.y firmly #olds t#at unless you are aware of your a7ility to c#ange your )rrational $eliefs= you will #ave difficult .ro7lems in dealing wit# your anger. %&$" also maintains t#e im.ortance of c#anging your feelings at C w#en t#ey are destructive. $t states that if you want to change your feelings and your actions in the !uic1est, most efficient- and ef fective way, you2d better pay particular attention to changing your elief &ystem. At A you are sure t#at ) #ave treated you unfairly 7y wit#drawing from our agreement. IAt %$= your %ational $elief ,ystem= you 7elieve= <) don:t like t#at. ) wis# #e #adn:t treated me so s#a77ily.< IAt HC= your Healt#y ConseCuence= you e9.erience feelings of disa..ointment= dis.leasure= and discomfort.
I-ational eliefs .don2t li1e) and +ealthy Conse!uences .disappoint

ment)

Yet we find t#at at 0C= your 0n#ealt#y ConseCuence or distur7ed feeling= you are angry at me as well as disa..ointed wit# my 7e#avior. You find your anger unmanagea7le and self-defeating= and

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t#erefore un#ealt#y. 0sing t#e %&$" met#od= ) #el. you seek t#e )rrational $eliefs >)$s? t#at led to your 0n#ealt#y ConseCuence >raging at me?.

I $rrational elief and , nhealthy C onse!uence .anger)

"o locate your )$s we use t#e met#od of logical= em.irical c#ecking= designed to discover any illogical or unem.irical ideas you mig#t #old at $. $y .utting t#e case into t#e %&$" framework= a clinician can discover your %$s and )$s sim.ly t#roug# a knowledge of your feelings and 7e#avior at 7ot# .oints A and C. +ogically= for e9am.le= your )rrational $elief isn:t somet#ing like= <How o7no9ious of 2r. &llis to lead me on like t#at and t#en wit#draw in t#at manner.< "#is idea does make sense= as ;ust a7out everyone would agree. Also= your viewing my 7e#avior as merely o7no9ious will likely lead you to feel not anger 7ut rat#er disa..ointment. ,o= in continuing to look at your ideas a7out suc# 7e#avior= we may discover t#at you #ave said or t#oug#t= <) t#ink it:s awful t#at &llis acted in suc# an irres.onsi7le manner. He absolutely shouldn2t treat me t#at unfairlyF< Alt#oug# t#is may not at first glance a..ear very irrational or illogical= you #ave= in fact= made one of t#e four irrational statements t#at angry .eo.le often make! You #ave told yourself t#at you find it awful, horrible, or terrible t#at ) #ave treated you in t#is manner. You #ave eCuated unfairness or in;ustice wit# horror and failed to distinguis# 7etween t#e two. As ) #ave ;ust indicated= J&$" states t#at you can discover t#e nature of your $elief ,ystems 7y knowing t#e facts at .oints A and CKPeo.le e9.erience a relatively limited num7er of emotions= w#ic# fall wit#in a few ma;or #eadings= and certain t#oug#ts connect wit# certain emotions. Peo.le teac# t#emselves to use t#ese t#oug#ts to evoke emotions. As we #ave stressed 7efore= your $elief ,ystem makes it .ossi7le to a..ly value ;udgments suc# as good or 7ad= rig#t or wrong= to any e9.erience. Here again you can see a strong relations#i. or interaction 7etween t#inking and feeling. )n fact= one of t#e main %&$" #y.ot#eses states t#at you seem to feel w#at you t#ink or e9.ect to feelDand not w#at you actually do e9.erience. You .re;udice your feelings a7out somet#ing wit# your

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views of w#at you 7elieve you s#ould feel. 0sually you can more Cuickly= easily= and im.ortantly c#ange your feelings as you c#ange your t#inking t#an you can c#ange your t#inking 7y modifying your feelings. $ut t#e reverse is also often true. Hust #ow muc# do your feelings a7out somet#ing cause you to c#ange your t#inking? You freCuently know t#at you desire to act in a manner t#at you 7elieve is #ig#ly undesira7le. 3#en suc# feelings 7ecome e9tremely strong or urgent= you may act in a manner contrary to your own 7eliefs. 3#en you act t#is way= you often rationali8e so as to alter= at least tem.orarily= certain 7eliefs. $ut once you gratify your feelings t#roug# actions= you freCuently revert to your former 7eliefs= and feel guilty 7ecause you did not really c#ange t#ose 7eliefs 7ut merely laid t#em aside tem.orarily to allow yourself to act in a certain way. Hence= we see t#at your t#oug#ts may alter your feelings= yet we can also see t#at you often only tem.orarily alter t#em in s.ecific situations. "#e following four irrational statements re.resent some main 7eliefs t#at angry .eo.le generally #old! 1.<How awful for you to #ave treated me so unfairly.< 2.<) can2t stand your treating me in suc# an irres.onsi7le and un ;ust manner.< (.<You a7solutely should not, must not 7e#ave t#at way toward me.< *.<$ecause you #ave acted in t#at manner toward me= ) see you as a terrible person w#o deserves not#ing good in life= and w#o s#ould 7e .unis#ed for treating me so 7adly.< A relations#i. e9ists 7etween t#ese four statements. Aote t#at 7esides t#e negative views in eac# of t#e statements= t#ey include anot#er common factorDa tendency to merge t#e action wit# t#e .erson or to evaluate #is negative action wit# t#e w#ole .erson. "#is failure to se.arate a .erson from #is action im.lies t#at only an >9? .erson can act >9? and t#at all >9? acts must 7e .erformed 7y >9? .eo.le. Furt#er= and more s.ecifically= any .erson w#o does anyt#ing t#at any ot#er .erson deems 7ad or un;ust must be a 7ad .erson. )f a good .erson .erforms good acts= t#en #e can never do

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anyt#ing 7ad= for #e is a good .erson and ca.a7le of only good acts. )f a 7ad .erson .erforms 7ad acts= #e can never do anyt#ing good= for #e is a 7ad .erson and can .erform only 7ad acts. "#is overgenerali8ing seems logical= yet wisely we:d 7etter remem7er t#at logical <trut#s< often do not accord wit# facts. 3e can see t#e logic of t#e a7ove statements= yet we may ;ust as easily see t#eir irrationality. 3e know realistically t#at .eo.le w#o are seen as <good and res.ecta7le< often do gross in;ustices to ot#ers. Also= we #ave often seen .eo.le w#o #ave acted un;ustly and unfairly a num7er of times la7eled as <7ad .eo.le.< "#us= we know t#at <logical< t#inking often is false to life= alt#oug# it may #old true to t#e rules of logic. )n t#e case of your angering yourself at me and viewing me as rotten w#en ) do a rotten act >unfairly 7reak our a.artment-s#aring agreement?= you #ad 7etter try to find t#e .rimary or underlying irrationality t#at makes you feel anger at .oint C. 0sing w#at you #ave learned a7out t#e relations#i.s e9isting 7etween .eo.le and t#eir actions= you can see your underlying irrationality consists of making a false association 7etween your evaluation of me and your evaluation of my action. ,o alt#oug# %&$" #olds t#at t#ere seem no a7solute laws or rules t#at will a..ly to all .eo.le in every situation= you may still use its sim.le rule of t#um7 for discerning t#e difference 7etween %$ and )$ in your $elief ,ystem! Your 7eliefs are rational so long as t#ey do not make an evaluation of t#e action into an evaluation of the person. And furt#er! You remain rational so long as you view t#e action in a limited way! 7y t#e effect t#at it #as u.on you w#o e9.erience it. "#e evaluation of a .erson can only legitimately arise from evaluating all #is acts over an entire lifetime= and even t#en #e would #ave to 7e dead. For if still living= you cannot evaluate w#at #e will do in t#e future. 3e cannot ;udge an individual:s $elief ,ystem as totally irrational unless t#is .erson #as eit#er a most severe .syc#otic disorder or severe mental retardation. &ven t#en every .erson alive #olds an )r-

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rational $elief a7out somet#ing from time to time= and .syc#otic and retarded .eo.le #ave some sensi7le ideas. Peo.le:s $elief ,ystems largely determine t#eir feelings and reactions. $ut remem7er t#at t#at $elief ,ystem can include %$s and )$s simultaneously. )f= at .oint A= you feel inconvenienced or disa..ointed 7y a situation= t#en you may #ave a #ealt#y negative feeling. $ut your emotion of anger at t#e .erson causing your inconvenience s#ows >at C? distur7ance 7ecause you #ad 7etter se.arate t#e evaluation of t#e action and t#e evaluation of t#e .erson even t#oug# most .eo.le do not make t#is se.aration. $y confusing a damna7le act wit# a damna7le .erson= you make yourself needlessly angry. You mig#t e9.ect to feel disa..ointed= inconvenienced= or discouraged at C 7y unfair actions. $ut w#en you feel angry and #ostile= and assume t#at t#e .er.etrator of t#ese actions is a terri7le .erson= you overgenerali8e= as Alfred @or8y7ski #as s#owed= and distur7 yourself. For t#e sake of clarity= we:d 7etter look at t#e causal relations#i. 7etween your )$s and your anger. Alt#oug# we #ave no incontroverti7le .roof t#at t#ese )$s are t#e most direct or only cause of anger= 7y looking at t#e intrinsic relations#i. 7etween t#oug#t and feeling we find a very close connection 7etween t#e two. 3e #ave seen t#at using t#e %&$" model= we #ave 7een a7le to .oint out to .eo.le t#eir own )$s and= furt#er= to teac# t#em #ow to reduce t#em. )n t#e .rocess= we discovered t#at t#eir anger diminis#ed or eva.orated. 3#ile ) would find it of great interest to investigate t#e transactional relations#i. 7etween t#inking and feeling= t#e #uge amount of data t#at ) would #ave to consider in order to make t#is clear and com.lete would go 7eyond t#e sco.e of t#is 7ook. ,uffice it to say t#at alt#oug# ) only .resent %&$" as a t#eory= ) know from clinical e9.erience and from many outcome studiesDsummari8ed in my 7ooks +ow to Control 6our #nger efore $t Controls 6ou >cowritten wit# C#i. "afrate? and)vercoming 7estructive eliefs, 8eelings, and ehaviorDt#at %&$" and Cognitive $e#avior "#era.y >C$"? are effective. Having esta7lis#ed two as.ects to your individual $elief ,ystemD

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rational and irrationalDyou confront anot#er .ro7lem. )f we indeed assume t#at #umans are 7asically rational and constructive= w#y= t#en= s#ould suc# rational animals #ave )rrational $eliefs and act in accordance wit# )$s t#at sa7otage t#eir goals? "#e answer is t#at w#en .eo.le are merely frustrated= t#ey usually feel annoyed at t#e frustration. $ut w#en t#ey t#ink someone unfairly frustrates t#em= t#ey often make t#emselves angry at t#e frustrating person. 3#en ) wit#drew from our s#aring arrangement= you e9.erienced frustration. You did not get w#at you wanted. Aow= if we #ad never reac#ed an agreement and ) #ad not unfairly 7roken t#is agreement in t#e first .lace= you would #ave felt frustrated wit# t#e situation and .er#a.s disa..ointed= 7ut you would not #ave felt angry wit# me. You would #ave sim.ly ;udged your situation as undesira7le or 7ad. $ut now t#at ) #ave <unfairly< wit#drawn from our agreement, alt#oug# you remain in t#e same .osition as you would #ave 7een #ad we never entered into an agreement and ) c#anged my mind a7out living wit# you= you feel incensed wit# me= 7ecause of my unfairness. 3#at makes you disa..ointed in one instance and angry in anot#er even t#oug# your situation in regard to s#aring an a.artment wit# me stays t#e same in 7ot#Dwe don:t s#are an a.artment? Your )rrational $eliefs t#at ) shouldn2t treat you unfairly and t#at ) am a bad person for doing so. $y feeling angry wit# me= you can 7lame me for your situation= and you can also give yourself a false assurance t#at you are doing somet#ing to relieve yourself. $y fig#ting me for treating you in a manner you consider un;ust= you do not #ave to confront t#e original dissatisfactionG #ence= you #ave an illusion t#at you actively do somet#ing a7out your situation. You may get several secondary gains t#roug# anger= suc# as t#e one a7ove. An understanding of secondary gains .rovides some e9.lanation of w#y rational #umans #old )rrational $eliefs= w#y all #umans at times allow t#eir )$s to influence t#em and #ence act dysfunctionally. )f you derive some secondary gain from your anger= w#y s#ould

"H& )A,AA)"Y

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you make any attem.t to rid yourself of it? "#roug# our understanding of secondary gains= we can see t#at every action #as its intention. &ac# action you carry t#roug# #as a s.ecific aim or goal. For instance= anger may lead to some secondary gain in t#at it relieves you from dealing wit# a difficult situation. &ven t#oug# your anger may #ave a .ositive goal= you:d 7etter critically evaluate its .ossi7le destructive Cualities. ,o we:d 7etter look closely at some of t#e realistic conseCuences of anger. 1.Anger stems from your 7elief t#at a .erson:s action is the same thing as t#e .erson #imself. Hust as you evaluate #is act as neg ative= you res.ond to #is w#ole 7eing as <7ad.< Your )rrational $elief t#us results in your damning a w#ole .erson w#o will most .ro7a7ly in turn res.ond in a defensive manner in order to .rotect #er own self-image. ,o long as you are angry= your o.enness vanis#es= and your anger will in#i7it a s.eedy and ef fective resolution of your .ro7lem. 2.Anger= a rat#er strong emotion= tends to overla. or e9tend into ot#er areas of your life. Many .eo.le= w#en angry= feel #ostile to ot#ers w#o #ave done slig#tly <wrong< t#ings. "#is often creates unnecessary social tension and a counter.roductive atmos.#ere. (.Your de.ression and an9iety t#at may result from increased tensions stemming from anger reduce your effective .erfor mance in t#e various as.ects of your life. *.Points 2 and ( may lead to t#e creation of negative res.onses from ot#er .eo.le t#at may in turn cause you to feel #ig#ly critical of yourself. )n many instances= t#is encourages selfdowning and intensifies your an9iety. /.Anger com.ounded wit# a com7ination of its a7ovementioned side effects can create difficult tensions 7ot# wit#in yourself and in your relations#i.s wit# ot#ers. "#ese may re sult in suc# com.lications t#at you #ave difficulty reali8ing t#at your original anger leads to ot#er 7ad situations. Hence= any resolution of t#e original .ro7lem will still fail to resolve t#e new difficulties t#at t#at anger encourages.

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As we view t#ese .oints= we can easily see t#at t#e side effects of anger far outweig# t#e secondary gains t#at you may ac#ieve. For t#e secondary <gains=< in the case of anger, remain dysfunctional and #ave no real effect e9ce.t .er#a.s camouflage u.on t#e original situation. %&$" t#eory concludes t#at anger #as few real 7enefits. )n concluding t#is c#a.ter= let us return to our %&$" model and t#e illustration we #ave .resented and use %&$" met#ods to work t#roug# your .ro7lem of 7eing angry at me. You entered into an agreement wit# me w#ere7y we would s#are an a.artment. Your .art consisted of your getting t#e .lace ready and furnis#ing it and mine wit# moving in wit# you. From t#at .oint we would s#are all e9.enses eCually. At t#e last minute= and wit#out sufficient notice or reason= ) wit#drew from my .ortion of t#e agreementDafter you #ad fulfilled your .art of t#e agreement. Your anger at me #as t#ese com.onents! A >Activating &vent or Adversity?! my wit#drawal from our agreement= w#ic# you consider an <unfair act.< %$ >%ational $elief?! <3#at a 7ad actionF ) don:t like itF< )$ >)rrational $elief?! <How awful, ) ;ust can2t stand Al7ert &llis treating me in t#at mannerF He should not, must not 7e#ave t#at way toward me= and ) t#ink t#at #e is a horrible person for doing so and t#at #e should be punished9: HC >Healt#y ConseCuence?! disa..ointment= feelings of re;ection= sense of loss of a good o..ortunity. 0C >0n#ealt#y ConseCuence?! anger= feelings of #ostility= a strong urge for revenge or .unis#ment. $ecause you #ave ;udged my conduct as o7no9ious and 7ecause my wit#drawal from our agreement #as greatly disa..ointed and inconvenienced you= you would act wisely if you decided not to enter into any furt#er agreement wit# me. )f 7y my wit#drawal ) #ad .ut you to an e9treme financial e9.ense= you mig#t .ossi7ly seek legal counsel if you could not get .ro.er satisfaction from me directly. $y minimally associating wit# me= you can avoid t#e #assle of my unfairly treating you again.

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Yet 7y not making yourself feel angry= you leave o.en t#e .ossi7ility of reesta7lis#ing good relations wit# me= for you still acknowledge my good Cualities. ) discover t#at ) cannot take advantage of you= for you guard against t#at. $ecause you do not totally re;ect me for acting unfairly= you res.ect me as a .erson in s.ite of my 7e#avior= and you tend to res.ect yourself as a .erson in s.ite of your ineffective anger. Alt#oug# you #ave ot#er alternatives wit# t#e %&$" solution= you can see from t#is e9am.le t#at it not only deals wit# t#e disadvantages of anger 7ut also .rovides t#e groundwork for reesta7lis#ing relations#i.s on t#e 7asis of mutual res.ect. 3e #ave t#us far e9.lained t#e 7asic .rinci.les of t#e %&$" t#eory. "#e ne9t c#a.ter will e9amine various met#ods you can use to #el. you detect t#e )rrational $eliefs t#at create your anger.

+ooking for ,elf-Angering P#iloso.#ies

) #o.e ) #ave succeeded in e9.laining t#e general dynamic of t#e %&$" t#eory as it a..lies to anger and ot#er #ealt#y and un#ealt#y emotions. However= as ) remarked earlier= muc# more t#an a mere understanding of a .ro7lem or a knowledge of its underlying cause is reCuired to solve t#at .ro7lem. %&$" gives you im.ortant insig#ts into your .resent situation rat#er t#an mainly into your .ast .ro7lems. Psyc#oanalytic met#ods t#at attem.t to reveal insig#ts a7out your c#ild#ood are of little use in facilitating adeCuate <working t#roug#< of your .resent .ro7lems. ,till= we #ad 7etter make a distinction 7etween %&$" insig#ts and classical .syc#oanalytic insig#ts. Branted t#at t#e influences of your .arents= teac#ers= religious leaders= and environment may greatly contri7ute to your <.ersonality=< 7ut your .ersonality is 7y no means fi9ed and unc#angea7le. "ake= for e9am.le= t#e condition of animal .#o7ia= a common .ro7lem for many mature adults. Classical .syc#ot#era.y would attem.t to trace your life 7ack to early c#ild#ood in an attem.t to discover w#at associations you #ave to t#e .articular animal t#at you fear. )t would t#en attem.t to enlig#ten you wit# an inter.retation of your fear.

@)AB F % ,&+F-AAB&%)AB PH)+ , PH)&,

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My e9.erience #as s#own me t#at suc# insig#ts 7ring little #el. to you today. )n fact= t#ey may often dwell so muc# on suc# e9.lanations of your .ro7lem t#at t#ey reinforce your .#o7ia 7y <#el.ing< you see t#at you do #ave somet#ing to fear today. Your fears may t#us increaseF "#e %&$" a..roac# would locate any )$s t#at you may #old at .resent and s#ow you e9actly #ow you can c#ange t#ese 7eliefs in order to overcome your .ro7lems. "rue= your insig#ts a7out t#e .ast may #ave im.ortanceG 7ut an insig#t t#at you can use to #el. solve a real .resent-day .ro7lem will .rove more immediately useful. 3#at #a..ened ten or twenty years ago #as little or no value now. )t #a..ened. "#e .ast remains fi9ed and unc#angea7le= w#ile you may affect t#e .resent and future 7y your .resent t#oug#ts and actions. "#ose res.onsi7le for t#e u.7ringing of c#ildren #ave t#em more or less at t#eir mercy. Youngsters #ave little or no c#oice in t#eir somew#at #el.less situationG and 7ecause t#eir minds are in a formative stage= t#ey #ave little a7ility to c#oose 7etter alternatives. C#ildren also lack t#e knowledge and critical evaluations so im.ortant in making t#e 7est decisions. "#eir ina7ility inde.endently to meet t#eir own needs= suc# as o7taining food= clot#ing= and s#elter= .laces t#em in a state of genuine de.endency. Parents work #ard to influence t#eir c#ildren:s 7e#avior and 7eliefs. nce we reac# adult#ood we #ave aCuired t#e knowledge= e9.osure= and inde.endence to ena7le us to c#oose more wisely and rationally for ourselves. ) don:t know of any adults w#o #aven:t su7stantially c#anged t#eir views of w#at t#eir .arents #ave told t#em= and t#e vast ma;ority #as managed to accom.lis# t#is wit#out t#e aid of classical .syc#oanalysis. %&$" stresses t#e im.ortant idea t#at as adult #uman 7eings we consciously #ave c#oicesG we make c#oices every day= and weDnot our .arents or ot#ersDdirect t#ese c#oices. As a mature adult you #ad 7etter recogni8e t#at you control your ideas= attitudes= and actionsG t#at you largely arrange your life according to your own dictates. C#anging your life involves your willingness to se.arate yourself from t#e c#ildis# conce.t t#at your .arents still can make

wnen ;or some reason, ei2tner conscious or unconscious, you something will happen that will prevent you from getting whaty want or will really harm you. #nxiety often stems from sets of $t rational eliefs that you hold about yourself, while anger stems

+ooking for ,elf-Angering P#iloso.#ies

) #o.e ) #ave succeeded in e9.laining t#e general dynamic of t#e %&$" t#eory as it a..lies to anger and ot#er #ealt#y and un#ealt#y emotions. However= as ) remarked earlier= muc# more t#an a mere understanding of a .ro7lem or a knowledge of its underlying cause is reCuired to solve t#at .ro7lem. %&$" gives you im.ortant insig#ts into your .resent situation rat#er t#an mainly into your .ast .ro7lems. Psyc#oanalytic met#ods t#at attem.t to reveal insig#ts a7out your c#ild#ood are of little use in facilitating adeCuate <working t#roug#< of your .resent .ro7lems. ,till= we #ad 7etter make a distinction 7etween %&$" insig#ts and classical .syc#oanalytic insig#ts. Branted t#at t#e influences of your .arents= teac#ers= religious leaders= and environment may greatly contri7ute to your <.ersonality=< 7ut your .ersonality is 7y no means fi9ed and unc#angea7le. "ake= for e9am.le= t#e condition of animal .#o7ia= a common .ro7lem for many mature adults. Classical .syc#ot#era.y would attem.t to trace your life 7ack to early c#ild#ood in an attem.t to discover w#at associations you #ave to t#e .articular animal t#at you fear. )t would t#en attem.t to enlig#ten you wit# an inter.retation of your fear. *4

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*0

My e9.erience #as s#own me t#at suc# insig#ts 7ring little #el. to you today. )n fact= t#ey may often dwell so muc# on suc# e9.lanations of your .ro7lem t#at t#ey reinforce your .#o7ia 7y <#el.ing< you see t#at you do #ave somet#ing to fear today. Your fears may t#us increaseF "#e %&$" a..roac# would locate any )$s t#at you may #old at .resent and s#ow you e9actly #ow you can c#ange t#ese 7eliefs in order to overcome your .ro7lems. "rue= your insig#ts a7out t#e .ast may #ave im.ortanceG 7ut an insig#t t#at you can use to #el. solve a real .resent-day .ro7lem will .rove more immediately useful. 3#at #a..ened ten or twenty years ago #as little or no value now. )t #a..ened. "#e .ast remains fi9ed and unc#angea7le= w#ile you may affect t#e .resent and future 7y your .resent t#oug#ts and actions. "#ose res.onsi7le for t#e u.7ringing of c#ildren #ave t#em more or less at t#eir mercy. Youngsters #ave little or no c#oice in t#eir somew#at #el.less situationG and 7ecause t#eir minds are in a formative stage= t#ey #ave little a7ility to c#oose 7etter alternatives. C#ildren also lack t#e knowledge and critical evaluations so im.ortant in making t#e 7est decisions. "#eir ina7ility inde.endently to meet t#eir own needs= suc# as o7taining food= clot#ing= and s#elter= .laces t#em in a state of genuine de.endency. Parents work #ard to influence t#eir c#ildren:s 7e#avior and 7eliefs. nce we reac# adult#ood we #ave aCuired t#e knowledge= e9.osure= and inde.endence to ena7le us to c#oose more wisely and rationally for ourselves. ) don:t know of any adults w#o #aven:t su7stantially c#anged t#eir views of w#at t#eir .arents #ave told t#em= and t#e vast ma;ority #as managed to accom.lis# t#is wit#out t#e aid of classical .syc#oanalysis. %&$" stresses t#e im.ortant idea t#at as adult #uman 7eings we consciously #ave c#oicesG we make c#oices every day= and weDnot our .arents or ot#ersDdirect t#ese c#oices. As a mature adult you #ad 7etter recogni8e t#at you control your ideas= attitudes= and actionsG t#at you largely arrange your life according to your own dictates. C#anging your life involves your willingness to se.arate yourself from t#e c#ildis# conce.t t#at your .arents still can make

*3

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you act and t#ink today. )t also involves your attending to your .resent and future situations= not to your infantile ones. Many of my clients= w#en t#ey 7ecome aware of t#eir irrational ideas= tell me t#ey got t#ese ideas from t#eir .arents or elders as c#ildren. Yes= 7ut t#ey stem from c#ildren:s and adults: own creative talent for inventing crooked ways of t#inkingF +et us now return to our %&$" model and s#ow you #ow to use t#e insig#ts we #ave t#us far acCuired to locate and rid yourself of destructive= goal-in#i7iting )$s and dysfunctional 7e#aviors. )n t#e last c#a.ter we discussed w#at re.resents a clear understanding of #ow our $elief ,ystem interacts wit# our e9.erience at .oint A and our reactions at .oint C. At t#is .oint we ask= <3#at does $ consist of?< 3e seek to know 7ot# w#at %$s and also= more im.ortant= w#at )$s you #old. You can use two more or less overla..ing a..roac#es to locate and differentiate your %$s and your )$s. First you ask= <3#at do ) actually a..ear to 7elieve at $ ;ust 7efore ) e9.erience my ConseCuences at C?" )f you cannot immediately answer t#at= you can see t#at you know 7ot# A and C. )f C seems un#ealt#yDsuc# as severe anger= an9iety= or de.ressionDyou may well assume t#at some ty.e of )$ influenced your feeling. 3e #ave already listed t#e four )rrational $eliefs t#at most .eo.le #old wit# regard to anger. $ut once again! 1.<How awful or terrible t#at you treat me like t#isF< 2.<) can2t stand your irres.onsi7le 7e#aviorF< (.<You absolutely should not act in t#at 7ad manner toward meF< *.<$ecause you 7e#ave as you s#ould not and must not= you are a rotten person w#o deserves to 7e .unis#edF< Alt#oug# t#ese statements #old for anger= t#ey often seem not to a..ly w#en you e9.erience severe an9iety or de.ression at C. ,evere an9iety is more or less an internal danger signal activated w#en for some reason= eit#er conscious or unconscious= you feel somet#ing will #a..en t#at will .revent you from getting w#at you want or will really #arm you. An9iety often stems from sets of )rrational $eliefs t#at you #old a7out yourself= w#ile anger stems

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from )rrational $eliefs t#at you #old a7out ot#ers. 0sing our illustration= let us say t#at for some reason or ot#er you sus.ected t#at you received a signal or message from me t#at ) would wit#draw from our agreement 7efore ) directly e9.ressed my .lans to do so. +et us su..ose t#at you #eard me s.eaking to a friend a7out some future .lan of mine t#at would not work out if our agreement still #eld. You do not yet know for certain w#at e9act .lans ) #ave. You feel it ina..ro.riate to #onestly confront me on t#e issue. You feel you #ave no c#oice 7ut to kee. t#is information to yourself. "#ese circumstances may re.resent A= w#ile your feeling of an9iety may re.resent C. $ecause an9iety= like anger= constitutes an 0n#ealt#y ConseCuence >0C?= let us 7egin to use %&$" to Cuestion t#ose 7eliefs t#at you mig#t #old at .oint A. 0sing w#at you #ave learned a7out t#e ideas we consider irrational in relation to anger and understanding t#at an9iety differs from anger in t#at you direct it inward rat#er t#an toward a .erson or o7;ect= you may look for a set of irrational ideas t#at overla. wit# anger in many res.ects. 3#en you e9.erience an9iety as in t#e a7ove-mentioned situation w#ere ) reneged on our a.artment-s#aring agreement= you may say or t#ink to yourself t#e following! 1.<How ffwful if ) can:t manage t#ings if you act irres.onsi7ly to ward me wit# regard to our agreement.< 2.<) couldn:t= under suc# conditions= bear t#e inconvenience you would foist u.on me. ) couldn2t stand my own .oor met#ods of co.ing wit# you or t#e situation.< (.<)f ) don:t co.e as well as ) must co.e= ) am inferior and ) de serve w#at ) get for not #andling t#e situation.< As you can easily see= t#e a7ove )$s t#at a..ly to an9iety are almost identical to t#ose t#at relate to anger. "#e only difference! You #old t#ese ideas or 7eliefs in relation to yourself rat#er to anot#er .erson. Anot#er illustration demonstrates #ow you may create un#ealt#y feelings of de.ression. +et us say t#at instead of wit#drawing from our agreement= ) got transferred to anot#er location and #ad to move out of town. You reali8e t#at ) #ad relatively little c#oice in

*5

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t#e matter 7ecause t#e transfer included a .romotion ) really wanted= and you understand and su..ort my decision. Yet alt#oug# not angry wit# me= you discover t#at you feel e9tremely de.ressed at .oint C. You may .er#a.s t#ink somet#ing like! 1.<How awful t#at t#ings #ave turned out so 7adly for meF< 2.<) can2t stand t#ings turning out t#is wayF< (.<"#ings absolutely shouldn2t #a..en t#is way= and terri7ly in convenience meF< *.<Aot#ing ever works out t#e way ) want it to. +ife is always unfair to meDas it shouldn2t 7eF< 7viously t#e a7ove 7eliefs are irrational= yet ;ust a7out all of us #ave t#oug#ts like t#ese w#en we de.ress ourselves. "#e general c#aracter of t#e )$s t#at relate to anger= an9iety= and de.ression are= as we can see= almost identical. "#e difference is w#ere you direct )$s. "oget#er t#ese t#ree constitute t#e t#ree 7asic ways in w#ic# .eo.le u.set t#emselves! .utting ot#ers down= .utting t#emselves down= and .utting down t#e conditions of t#e world in w#ic# t#ey live. "#roug#out t#e years my associates and ) #ave encountered numerous )rrational $eliefs t#at .eo.le #old to make t#emselves angry= an9ious= and de.ressed. Yet u.on close e9amination ) #ave found t#at ) can .lace ;ust a7out every )$ .eo.le kee. using under one of four ma;or #eadings. $ecause of t#is= ) formulated t#e following sim.le= yet descri.tive names t#at cover t#ese ideas! Awfuli8ing Can:t-,tand-)t-itis ,#oulding and Musting 0ndeservingness or 2amnation )n later c#a.ters we will e9amine eac# se.arately and in greater detail. For t#e .resent t#ese descri.tive #eadings can serve as a general idea of t#e overall tone of )rrational $eliefs. "#roug#out my long and rewarding career as a clinician= ) #ave #ad t#e o..ortunity to work wit# and assist numerous .eo.le w#ose

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.ro7lems e9tended 7eyond t#e emotional difficulties t#at we #ave considered t#us far. ) .articularly refer to .ersons w#o unfortunately #ave to co.e wit# .#ysiological as well as emotional .ro7lemsDt#ose= for instance= afflicted wit# certain #andica.s suc# as e.ile.sy= dysle9ia= ence.#alitis= attention deficit disorder= mental retardation= and severe .ersonality disorders. +ife .resents t#em wit# e9traordinary o7stacles t#at make it almost im.ossi7le for many of t#em to live consistently #a..y and .roductive lives. "#ese #andica..ed individuals need not damn t#emselves or t#e world. Aaturally w#en t#ey reali8e t#e difference 7etween t#emselves and ot#ers around t#emDas many of t#em doDt#ey often develo. severe feelings of inferiority and lack of self-wort#. C#ildren= in .articular= w#o suffer #andica.s and w#o associate wit# c#ildren w#o #ave less severe #andica.s often #ate t#emselves. %&$" .ractitioners #ave some wonderfully #el.ful aids to teac# many sorely .ut-u.on .eo.le #ow to live as #a..ily and .roductively as t#eir .articular condition will .ermit. "#ey often #ave a .ro7lem= suc# as endogenous de.ression= t#at may #ave 7iological or neurological origins. 3e sometimes cannot correct t#e #andica. itself= 7ut we can #el. .eo.le w#o make t#emselves distur7ed a7out t#eir #andica.s. %&$" contends t#at )rrational $eliefs serve as .er#a.s t#e main contri7utors to distur7ance a7out distur7ance= and t#at t#ese )$s can 7e corrected so t#at .eo.le do not #ave secondary distur7ances a7out t#eir .rimary .ro7lems. ) find it almost im.ossi7le to overstress t#e disastrous results of w#at ) call &houlding. ,#ould 7e? 3#at should a .erson be< 3#o can ;udge and 7y w#at criteria? "#is irrational idea of should com.rises .er#a.s t#e most destructive and counter.roductive of all t#e irrational ideas ) know. An a7solutistic should can make .eo.le devalue t#emselves in t#eir own eyes and lead to great des.ondency. ,imilarly= t#e idea of should can lead many to devalue ot#er .eo.le and not merely o7;ect to t#eir 7e#avior. %ational &motive $e#avior "#era.y #olds t#at you absolutely should do not#ing. You #ave only to e9ist as you do and to live your life as 7est you can. )f you can learn to acce.t yourself uncondition-

3(

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ally= wit# your #andica.s and ot#er .ro7lems= and if you can learn #ow to live wit# t#ese difficulties w#en you cannot im.rove t#em= you may consider yourself well ad;usted in s.ite of t#ese #andica.s. %&$" recogni8es t#ree ma;or forms of irrational t#inking. All come under t#e general #eading of musturbation and may arise individually or in com7ination wit# eac# ot#er. Years ago ) referred in my writings= talks= and in my work wit# clients to t#e demandingness or commandingness of #umans w#o feel distur7ed. ) indicated t#at if you desire= wis#= or .refer to do well in life or to #ave ot#ers a..rove of you= suc# desiring alone rarely gets you into any kind of emotional difficulty. You may feel distinctly sorry and frustrated w#en you do not get w#at you want= 7ut you do not feel angry= an9ious= or de.ressed. =o create t#ese distur7ances= you almost always escalate your desires into assumed needs= your .references into demands and insistences= your normal wis#es into a7solute dictates. 3#enever you feel truly distur7ed emotionally= it seems almost inconceiva7le t#at you #ave not resorted to one= two= or all t#ree of t#e forms of mustur7ation. Many #uman .ro7lems e9ist t#at #ave little or not#ing to do wit# mustur7ation= 7ut emotional .ro7lems virtually always relate to t#ese forms of t#inking and 7e#aving. After talking wit# t#ousands of .eo.le wit# varying degrees of emotional u.sets= ) still #aven:t found any w#o do not t#emselves= wit# t#eir own self-ver7ali8ing #atc#ets= create t#eir unnecessary emotional tur7ulence. Men and women .ro7a7ly #ave literally #undreds of im.ortant )rrational $eliefs >)$s?= any one of w#ic# can contri7ute to u.setting t#em. As ) mentioned earlier= all t#ese )$s seem to fit into only a score of ma;or #eadings. 3e s#all now outline t#e main )$s t#at contri7ute to or <cause< emotional distur7ances.
IRRATIONAL IDEA 1

<) must do well and win t#e a..roval of ot#ers for my .erformances or else ) am arotten, unlovable person9: nce you 7elieve t#is idea= as almost all .eo.le in all .arts of t#e

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world often seem to= you may t#en somew#at <logically< conclude! <)f ) am a rotten or inferior .erson= my life is awful and ) am too incom.etent to c#ange it.< "#is= of course= leads to strong feelings of de.ression= an9iety= and overall wort#lessness. )rrational )dea 1 .rimarily .roduces intense emotions of self#atred andKor self-downing. ,ome of t#e main corollaries of t#is )rrational $elief include! la. <) must #ave sincere love and a..roval almost all t#e time from virtually all t#e .eo.le w#om ) find significant or im.ortant in my life.< )7. <) must 7e a t#oroug#ly com.etent ac#iever or at least #ave an outstanding skill or talent in somet#ing im.ortant to me.< )c. <) must succeed in avoiding no9ious or un.leasant situations. My emotional misery comes almost com.letely from e9ternal .ressures t#at ) #ave little a7ility to c#ange or control. 0nless t#ese .ressures c#ange= ) cannot #el. making myself feel anyt#ing 7ut an9ious= de.ressed= self-downing= or #ostile.< )d. <) must never encounter events t#at .ut me in real danger or t#at t#reaten my life= as ) would #ave to make myself totally .reoccu.ied wit# and u.set a7out t#em.< le. <) must continue to t#ink= feel= and 7e#ave as ) #ave in t#e .ast. My .ast life influenced me immensely and remains im.ortant today 7ecause if somet#ing once strongly affected me= it continues to determine and affect my .resent feelings and 7e#avior. My earlyc#ild#ood gulli7ility and conditioning still remain= and ) cannot conCuer my suggesti7ility and t#ink for myself.< )f. <) must find a #ig# degree of order= certainty= or .redicta7ility in t#e universe in order to feel comforta7le and to .erform adeCuately.< )g. <) must continue to rely and de.end on ot#er .eo.le. $ecause ) remain weak in t#is res.ect= ) s#all also continue to need and rely on certain sets of su.erstitious and magical ideas in order to survive times of real stress.< )#. <) must fully understand t#e nature and secrets of t#e universe to live #a..ily in it.< li. <) can and s#ould give myself a glo7al rating as a #uman= and

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) can rate myself as good and wort#y only if ) .erform well= do wort#w#ile t#ings= and #ave .eo.le generally a..rove of me.< );. <) must never make myself de.ressed= an9ious= as#amed= or angry= for if ) give in to t#ese feelings of distur7ance= ) am a t#oroug#ly weak and rotten .erson.< )k. <) must never Cuestion t#e 7eliefs= attitudes= or o.inions #eld 7y res.ected aut#orities or 7y my society= family= or .eer grou. 7ecause t#ey mig#t 7e correct. )f ) do Cuestion t#em= .eo.le s#ould rig#tly condemn and .unis# me.<
IRRATIONAL IDEA 2

< t#er .eo.le must treat me considerately and kindly and in .recisely t#e way ) want t#em to treat me. )f t#ey don:t= society and t#e universe s#ould severely 7lame= damn= and .unis# t#em for t#eir inconsiderationF< 2 a. < t#er .eo.le must treat everyone= 7ut es.ecially me= in a fair and considerate manner. )f t#ey act unfairly and inconsiderately= t#ey are rotten people w#o deserve .unis#ment and damnation= w#ic# society s#ould see t#at t#ey get.< 27. < t#er .eo.le must not 7e#ave incom.etently or stu.idly. )f t#ey do= ) ;ustifia7ly can see and la7el t#em as t#oroug# idiots w#o oug#t to feel as#amed of t#emselves and s#ould e9.ect none of t#e good t#ings in life.< 2c. <Peo.le w#o #ave t#e a7ility to .erform well must not c#oose to s#irk or avoid t#eir res.onsi7ilities. "#ey absolutely ought to acce.t and carry out t#eir duties. "#ey are rotten .eo.le and s#ould feel utterly as#amed of t#emselves if t#ey don:t. Peo.le must ac#ieve t#eir .otential for a #a..y and wort#w#ile life= or else t#ey #ave little or no value as #umans.< 2d. < t#er .eo.le must not un;ustly critici8e me. )f t#ey do= t#ey are rotten .eo.le w#o deserve .ractically not#ing good in lifeF<

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IRRATIONAL IDEA 3

<"#e world >and t#e .eo.le in it? must include conditions t#at ena7le me to get everyt#ing t#at ) want w#en ) want it. Conditions must 7e arranged so t#at ) don:t ever get w#at ) don:t want. Moreover= ) usually must get w#at ) want Cuickly and easily.< ( a. <"#ings must go t#e way ) would like t#em to go 7ecause ) need w#at ) want and life is awful, horrible, and terrible w#en ) do not get itF< (7. <) must continually .reoccu.y myself wit# dangers and u.set myself a7out t#em. )n t#at way ) increase my .ower to control or c#ange t#em. And ) must control or c#ange t#em.< (c. <) must avoid= rat#er t#an face and deal wit#= many of life:s difficulties and res.onsi7ilities since ) need or must #ave immediate comfort and can:t disci.line myself or go t#roug# .resent .ain to ac#ieve future gains.< (d. <Peo.le absolutely should act 7etter t#an t#ey do= and if t#ey act 7adly or create needless #assles for me= t#ey are totally 7adF ) can2t stand t#e difficulties t#ey create 7y t#eir #orri7le conductF< (e. <) must continue to suffer endlessly if #andica.s .lague me= no matter #ow ) acCuired t#ese #andica.s. ) can do .ractically not#ing to c#ange t#em= and ) find t#at so #orri7le t#at life is #ardly wort# living.< (f. <) must not find it difficult to c#ange o7no9ious or #andica..ing elements in my life. ,uc# difficulties absolutely ought not e9istF ) find it too hard to do anyt#ing a7out t#em= and ) mig#t as well make no effort to c#ange t#em since t#e situation is more or less #o.eless.< (g. <"#ings like ;ustice= fairness= eCuality= and democracy must .revail= and w#en t#ey don:t= ) can2t stand it and life seems too unbearable to continue.< (#. <) must find t#e correct and .erfect solutions to my .ro7lems and to t#ose of ot#er .eo.le w#om ) care for. )f ) don:t= catastro.#e and #orror will surely result.< (i. <) must remain a #el.less victim of an9iety= de.ression= feelings of inadeCuacy= and #ostility unless t#e conditions t#at cause my un#a..iness c#ange and allow me to sto. feeling distur7ed.<

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(;. <,ince ) managed to come into t#is world and still remain alive= my life must continue forever or ;ust as long as ) want it to continue. ) find it com.letely unfair and #orri7le to t#ink a7out t#e .ossi7ility of dying and of no longer #aving any e9istence. ) also find it #orri7le to t#ink a7out t#e deat# of t#ose w#om ) love. 2eat#= e9ce.t for my enemies= must not e9ist.< (k. <As long as ) remain alive= my life must #ave some unusual or s.ecial meaning or .ur.ose= and if ) cannot create t#is meaning or .ur.ose for myself= ) am #o.elessly lostF< (1. <) can2t stand t#e discomfort of feeling an9ious= de.ressed= guilty= as#amed= or ot#erwise emotionally u.set= and if ) really went cra8y and found myself in an institution= ) could never stand t#at #orror or make t#e ad;ustment 7ack to normal life.< (m. <3#en t#ings really #ave gone 7adly for me for a reasona7ly long .eriod of time and t#ere e9ist no guarantees t#at t#ey will c#ange or t#at anyone will take t#e res.onsi7ility to make t#ings 7etter for me= ) sim.ly can:t 7ear t#e t#oug#t of living any longer and may seriously contem.late suicide.< "#ese corollariesDoutgrowt#s of t#e t#ree ma;or )rrational $eliefsDre.resent a sam.ling of t#e dysfunctional ideas many .eo.le #old and t#at .lay a .art in t#eir everyday t#oug#ts. Holding t#em= .eo.le condemn t#emselves= ot#ers= and t#e world around t#em. 3e can easily see t#at all t#ese ideas contain elements of what should or must be, of #ow terri7le a situation or .erson is if t#is demand isn:t fulfilled. &ac# of t#em also contains t#e elements of your feeling #o.eless and #el.less. "#is idea of your making yourself .owerless or at t#e mercy of <#orri7le< life conditions is one of your greatest irrationalities. +et us now review eac# irrational idea se.arately so t#at we may gain a clearer understanding of t#e content= origin= and effect of eac# idea. )%%A") AA+ )2&A 1 deals mainly wit# your e9.ectations of .ersonal ac#ievement. )n addition= it involves t#e im.ortance you .lace on ot#er .eo.le:s o.inions of you. You set e9.ectations for yourself and= if you do not live u. to t#em= see yourself as inferior in your own eyes and in t#e eyes of ot#ers. Hence you feel t#at t#e only

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measure of your self-wort# is t#e degree to w#ic# you can .erform in a near-.erfect manner. You feel t#at ot#er .eo.le will condemn and re;ect you if you do not do as you should, as you must. Aaturally= as #umans we sometimes #ave a tendency eit#er to overevaluate our own .otential or to set goals for ourselves t#at .eo.le w#om we res.ect or admire #ave eit#er ac#ieved t#emselves or would like to see us ac#ieve. )n many instances t#ese s.ecific goals go 7eyond t#e realm of our ca.acity. )t seems #ealt#y t#at you may feel disa..ointed if you do not reac# certain ac#ievements. Yet ) can see no real reason for you to make yourself de.ressed= an9ious= or angry at t#e reali8ation t#at suc# goals at t#e moment remain 7eyond your reac#. Liewing )%%A") AA+ )2&A 2= we see t#e same negativeness and dogmatism as e9ist in )rrational )dea 1. Here= #owever= you direct t#ese evaluations toward ot#er .eo.le instead of yourself= and you .lace unrealistic e9.ectations on ot#ers. ften #umans like to feel or t#ink t#at we are t#e center of t#e universe and t#at all ot#er .eo.le should, must cater to our needs and w#ims. Aaturally= w#en two or more .ersons interact= a distinct .ossi7ility e9ists t#at eac# of t#em will #ave t#is attitude. )f so= conflicts can easily arise since eac# .erson #as #er own interest as a .rimary concern. You can #ealt#ily consider ot#er .eo.le as well as yourself. However= youDand t#eyFDmay not do t#e same. You #ad 7etter t#erefore .re.are to co.e wit# .eo.le w#o may treat you #ars#ly and unfairly and to make yourself acce.t= t#oug# not like= t#at fact. )%%A") AA+ )2&A ( #as t#e same 7asic com.onents of t#e two .revious dysfunctional ideas= and you may find it .er#a.s t#e most trou7lesome of t#e t#ree. 3e mostly recogni8e t#e irrationality of demanding t#at t#e conditions of our environment .ersonally suit us. Yet many .eo.le actually do u.set t#emselves freCuently and unnecessarily w#en t#ese forces refuse to <com.ly.< How many times #ave you met .eo.le w#o view it as <un7eara7le< w#en t#e weat#er does not suit t#eir taste? Most .eo.le at one time or anot#er #old t#is and ot#er )rrational $eliefs. "#is is #ardly criminal. 3e all #ave )$s. $ut we:d 7etter

33

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kee. in mind t#at we would act wiser and feel a lot #a..ier if we looked for and found t#ese )$s and c#anged t#em. Ao magic cure #ere= nor any formula for eternal #a..iness= 7ut an effective ste. t#at you can take to assist you in stu77ornly refusing to u.set yourself w#en your strong desires are t#warted. "#is #as now 7een s#own 7y many %&$" and cognitive-7e#avior t#era.ists= suc# as Ho#n $lack7urn= &li8a7et# $rondolo= Herry 2effen7ac#er= %aymond 2iBiuse..e= C#risto.#er &ck#ardt= %aymond Aovaco= Mark "er;esen and %a.#ael %ose= %aymond C#i. "afrate= and Hanet 3olfe.

0nderstanding Your ,elfAngering P#iloso.#ies

Having e9amined some of t#e irrational ideas t#at accom.any anger and ot#er 0n#ealt#y ConseCuences= we will now attem.t to gain some insig#ts into #ow you #old and can c#ange 7eliefs. For no matter #ow fait#fully you may #ave followed %&$" t#eory= t#e system won:t work for you unless you learn #ow to dis.ute and reduce your )$s once you find t#em. ,o turn your attention to t#ree ma;or insig#ts t#at will #el. you 2is.ute )rrational $eliefs. )nsig#ts we try to #el. %&$" clients acCuire are #ardly t#e same as t#ose t#at ot#er t#era.ies em.#asi8e. Psyc#oanalysis= as we #ave already noted= stresses insig#t into w#at #a..ened to you in t#e .ast and #ow t#is led to your .resent difficulties. "ransactional Analysis= somew#at similarly= stresses insig#t into your c#ild#ood and your .ast and= like .syc#oanalytic insig#ts= insists t#at you understand t#ese .ast e9.eriences 7efore you can effectively c#ange t#em and let yourself 7ecome a #ealt#y adult. %eic#ian= .rimal= and ot#er a7reactive or cat#artic ty.es of t#era.ies contend t#at you #ave to #ave insig#t into t#e enormous .ain inflicted on you during your early c#ild#ood and= furt#er= t#at you must relive t#ese early traumas 7efore you can rid yourself of t#e effects t#at t#ey continue to #ave u.on your .resent life. Bestalt t#er-

35

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a.y demands t#at you must attain insig#t into every nuance of your .resent feelings and t#at t#is com.lete awareness of t#e #ere-andnow will c#ange your attitudes and actions. %ational &motive $e#avior "#era.y #olds t#at your .resent distur7ance is not directly caused 7y your .ast life. )A,)BH" 1 stresses t#e e9tremely strong influence t#at your $elief ,ystem >$? #as u.on your reaction >C? to your .ast and .resent Adversities >A:s?. A does not really cause >t#oug# it significantly contri7utes to? CG $ constitutes a more direct <cause< of C. )t follows t#at if your $elief ,ystem constitutes a ma;or influence on your &motional ConseCuence= your .revious Adversities may #ave even less influence on C t#an .resent Adversities. %&$" does not say t#at your .ast e9.eriences #ave a7solutely no effect on your .resent 7e#avior. For instance= researc#ers #ave found t#at c#ildren w#o are severely .unis#ed 7y t#eir .arents may develo. a tendency to feel more anger and act more violently toward ot#ers t#roug#out t#eir lives t#an will c#ildren w#o are less severely treated. 3#ile t#is tends to indicate t#at t#ere e9ists a relations#i. 7etween .eo.le:s early training and t#eir conduct= t#ere are also ot#er factors to consider. Benetic factors may also encourage anger= as we s#all discuss in detail later in t#is 7ook. "#e violent c#aracteristic of t#ose raised in #ostile and aggressive atmos.#eres may stem 7ot# from an in#erited and from an acCuired dis.osition. For if eit#er one or 7ot# of a c#ild:s .arents #as innate #ostile tendencies= t#ey may well .ass t#em on to t#eir c#ild. )n addition= .arents may react to t#eir c#ild:s in#erited aggressive tendencies wit# violent and aggressive disci.linary measures. "#is may t#en reinforce t#eir c#ildren:s violent dis.ositions= w#ic# may t#en 7e .assed on 7iologically and environmentally to t#eir own c#ildren. Here we see a somew#at vicious circle of violence= including innate and learned factors. )A,)BH" 1 stresses t#e fundamental .oint of t#e im.ortance of t#e 7eliefs you #old today. "#e teac#ings you received from your .arents and social grou. during your c#ild#ood may= in fact= #ave a great deal of influence u.on t#ese 7eliefs. Yet= as stated= you can

0A2&%,"AA2)AB Y 0% ,&+F-AAB&%)AB PH)+ , PH)&,

3%

c#ange t#ese 7eliefs= des.ite t#e way in w#ic# you may #ave acCuired t#em. Here you #ave t#e difference 7etween an %&$" insig#t and t#e insig#ts of various sc#ools of .syc#oanalysis. )nsig#t into t#e origins of your $elief ,ystem may #el. you very little. )t may merely serve to sidetrack you from t#e muc# more im.ortant insig#t! <) clearly see t#at rig#t now ) make myself angry 7y my )rrational $eliefs at $. Aow let me see w#at ) can do to 8ero in on t#ese 7eliefs= understand t#eir s.ecifics= and change t#em.< Many kinds of t#era.ies= es.ecially .syc#oanalytic met#ods= cater to .eo.le:s searc# for meaning and satisfy t#em wit# 7rilliant inter.retations of w#y t#ey got t#e way t#ey now are. "#ese inter.retations= even if correct= often do not #el. t#em to c#ange. &ven w#en %&$" s#ows t#em t#eir )$s t#at lead to t#eir distur7ed reactions= t#is meaningful e9.lanation may not get t#em to c#ange. More is reCuiredF Aow let us e9amine %&$" )A,)BH" 2! +owever you may have originally ac!uired your elief &ystem, particularly your $rrational eliefs .$ s) with which you create your emotional disturbances, you 1eep these beliefs alive by repeating them to yourself, reinforcing them in various ways, acting on them, and refusing to challenge them. t#ers may #ave #el.ed you acCuire your )rrational $eliefs= 7ut t#e .rimary reason you still su7scri7e to t#em is 7ecause you continually indoctrinate yourself wit# t#em today. You actively kee. reindoctrinating yourself wit# )rrational $eliefs. Your 0n#ealt#y &motional and $e#avioral ConseCuences e9ist because you continue to maintain irrational .#iloso.#ies or 7eliefs from w#ic# t#ey stem. Alt#oug# it <seems< or <feels< as if your anger <naturally< .ersists once you make yourself #ate someone= you actually and actively 1eep it alive 7y constantly telling yourself t#at t#is .erson should not #ave acted 7adly and is damna7le for acting t#at way. As a c#ild= ) contend= you su7scri7ed to t#e rational and irrational teac#ings of your .arents 7ecause you #ad a limited a7ility to recogni8e t#e difference 7etween t#em. 3#en your elders told you t#at a .erson was totally damnable if #e 7roke a .romise or agreement= you

4(

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naturally 7elieved t#em. )f= as you grew older= you #ad given some critical t#oug#t to t#ese views= you mig#t #ave noticed t#at many .eo.le w#o go 7ack on t#eir agreements actually are not com.letely bad people. )n fact= if you #ad given t#e idea of <terri7le .eo.le< consideration= you mig#t #ave discovered t#at your own .arents= from time to time= went 7ack on t#eir word to you. 2id t#at make t#em totally rotten and wort#less? HardlyF You .ro7a7ly t#en would #ave reali8ed t#at your anger stemmed from your 7elief t#at .eo.le w#o treat you un;ustly are wort#less. %&$" s#ows you #ow you can use t#e .rinci.les of reinforcement and .enali8ation to work for you rat#er t#an against you. )t s#ows you #ow you can change your ideas a7out your elders: teac#ings regarding #ow .eo.le should act toward you. %&$" met#ods= used .ro.erly and conscientiously= #el. you minimi8e your )rrational $eliefs= un#ealt#y feelings= and dysfunctional actions. )n #is social-reinforcement t#eory Al7ert $andura makes a similar .oint. $andura= a devotee of social-learning t#eories of #uman 7e#avior= also acknowledges t#e #ig#ly cognitive element in #uman reactions and 7e#aviors. Alt#oug# #is social-reinforcement t#eory is similar to our %&$" t#eory= t#ere remain some im.ortant differences. $andura im.lies t#at if ) s#ould act in an asocial manner toward you= you still #ave a num7er of alternativesDany one of w#ic# may fit into t#e framework of t#e sentiments of t#e social grou.. You would t#erefore #ave a c#oice of any one of a num7er of res.onses. You could #ate me or take me to court. "#e social rules of your community inform you t#at ) #ad 7etter not act unfairly toward you and t#at ) may risk a .enalty if ) do so. As a #uman you tend to acce.t t#is communication and t#ese rules. "#us= to some e9tent you learn to feel dis.leased a7out my act. You #ave a tendency to t#ink a7out w#et#er t#e rule ) 7roke #ad little or no im.ortance= w#et#er ) inconvenienced you mildly or greatly= and w#et#er you can or cannot get away wit# your anger against me. )n ot#er words= you mig#t use social standards to determine #ow muc# active aggression your society would sanction= and you may c#oose to act according to t#ose guidelines. All #uman emotions= $andura concludes= #ave a .ronounced element of cogni-

0A2&%,"AA2)AB Y 0% ,&+F -AAB&%)AB PH)+ , PH)&,

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tion and social learning. %&$" takes t#is same com7ined cognitiveconditioning outlook= 7ut it es.ecially stresses self-conditioning= as well as conditioning resulting from e9ternal social influences. A second as.ect of )A,)BH" 2 deals wit# sustained emotions a7out anyt#ing t#at #a..ens to you at .oint A. "#is a..lies .articularly to feelings of anger. %&$" #y.ot#esi8es t#at the frustration or in>ustice you originally experience doesn2t in itself ma1e you hold on to your hostile feelings for me for prolonged periods of time. 6our ongoing, - or sus tained, view of that original frustration Drather than the frustrating conditions themselves Dma1es and 1eeps you angry with me. )f ) treated you inconsiderately= you could easily make yourself u.set wit# me for a day or twoDor for many weeks. &very time someone mentioned my name= for instance= your original feelings of animosity could reassert t#emselves. 3#at of t#e times w#en you mig#t continue to #ar7or feelings of raging at me for weeks= mont#s= or even years? Here= every time you refer to me and my unfairness to you= you re.eat t#e )rrational $eliefs t#at originally created and .rovoked your angry feelings. For unless you continually re.eat to yourself t#ese )$s and vigorously t#row yourself into #olding on to them, your ongoing, or sustained, view of your original view of how unfairly $ treated you, rather than the in>ustice itself, 1eeps you angry. )A,)BH" ( states t#at in order to change your disturbed feelings and behaviors and the $rrational eliefs that lead you to have them, you almost always have to resort to a great deal of wor1 and practice. For no matter #ow aware you 7ecome of t#e self-defeating nature of your dysfunctional attitudes and actions= your awareness does not #el. you unless you effectively 2is.ute your ideas. "#at normally reCuires muc# .ractice and work. All our 7eliefs= w#et#er rational or irrational= vary in intensity and effect. For instance= many .eo.le #old certain su.erstitious 7eliefs= 7ut t#eir intensity may from time to time increase or lessen. Alt#oug# most .eo.le t#oug#tfully agree t#at suc# t#ings as 7lack cats and 7roken mirrors are meaningless= t#ese same .eo.le may avoid certain situations 7ecause t#eir unconscious su.erstitions #ave gained an over.owering influence over t#eir actions. "#e .rimary

4*

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.oint to understand in relation to )A,)BH" (! A considera7le difference e9ists 7etween telling yourself somet#ing and really convincing yourself a7out t#e rationality or irrationality of a 7elief. $ecause )rrational $eliefs are often #eld intensely= you:d 7etter strongly 2is.ute t#em at .oint 2 >2is.uting?. Ao matter #ow aware you are of t#e irrationality of a 7elief= t#at insig#t will #el. you little unless you develo. skill at Cuestioning and 2is.uting it. 0nless you 2is.ute your )$s .owerfully= t#ey may still control you. As we #ave stressed in t#is c#a.ter= insig#t and knowledge alone are not enoug#. &motional insig#t= as well as action= are reCuired. "#e more .owerfully and emotionally you 2is.ute >at .oint 2? your an9iety-creating or anger-.roducing )$s= t#e 7etter you will dis.el t#em. "#e ne9t c#a.ter will outline ways of 2etecting your )rrational $eliefs= 2iscriminating 7etween t#em and your more %ational $eliefs= and t#en 2e7ating your )$s.

2is.uting Your ,elf-Angering P#iloso.#ies

)n %&$" t#eory 2 re.resents 2is.uting. )t means t#at after you #ave found t#e Activating &vent or Adversity >A? t#at .recedes your distur7ed &motional or $e#avioral ConseCuences >C?= after you #ave ferreted out your %ational $eliefs >%$s? and )rrational $eliefs >)$s? a7out A= and after you #ave clearly acknowledged t#at your )$s directly #el. create your 0n#ealt#y ConseCuences >0Cs?= you vigorously and .ersistently 2is.ute your )$s. @is#or P#adke= a 7rilliant associate of mine in $um7ai= )ndia= gave some s.ecial t#oug#t to .oint 2= or 2is.uting= and decided to 7reak it down into t#ree main com.onents! 2etection 2iscriminating 2e7ating ) find #is distinctions useful= since 2is.uting largely consists of detecting your main )rrational $eliefs= discriminating t#em clearly from your %ational $eliefs= and t#en de7ating t#ese )rrational $eliefs actively and vigorously. ,o far= ) #ave outlined t#e A$Cs of anger and #ave tried to s#ow #ow you can detect your )$s wit# t#e

43

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#el. of t#ree ma;or %&$" insig#ts. Aow ) will s#ow you in detail #ow you can .ersistently and strongly debate your )$s. "o 7egin your de7ating= we s#all re.eat t#e four ma;or kinds of )rrational $eliefs you tend to #old w#en you make yourself angry and s#ow w#at you can do actively to de7ate or 2is.ute t#em until you minimi8e t#em. 0sing our a.artment-s#aring illustration= your first )rrational $elief may 7e! <How awful t#at you made me go to so muc# trou7le and t#en wit#drew from our agreement.< Assuming t#at you devoutly 7elieve t#is )$ and t#at you want to c#allenge it= you first ask yourself= <3#at makes &llis:s wit#drawal aw full: Aow= if you answer t#e Cuestion a7out t#e awfulness of t#e situation 7y descri7ing t#e inconvenience and e9.ense my 7e#avior caused= you will find yourself in some difficulty. For as stated earlier= my in;ustice to you may only lead to disa..ointmentDnot anger. Anger stems from carrying t#ings fart#er and viewing my 7etrayal as awful= terri7le= and #orri7le. You may #ave a tendency to eCuate unfair= inconvenient= or disadvantageous wit# awful 7e#avior. $ut are t#ey really awful< ne dictionary definition of awful 7egins as follows! <1. ins.iring awe. 2. terrifyingG a..alling. (. wort#y of reverence and solemn res.ect.< )t goes on to t#e colloCuial meaning of t#e term! <very 7ad= ugly= disagreea7le= un.leasant= etc.! as= an awful ;oke.< "#e .ro7lem wit# 7ot# t#ese definitions is t#at you tend to attac# an emotional feeling to t#e word awful t#at goes 7eyond its .ractical meaning. Per#a.s it would 7e easier to clarify t#e difference 7etween t#e .ractical and t#e emotional as.ects of t#e word awful 7y e9amining your view= <How awful t#at &llis made me go to so muc# trou7le and t#en wit#drew from our agreement.< At first= you .ro7a7ly feel disa..ointment and t#en feel anger. "#us= you #old two different ideas a7out my 7e#avior= one rational and t#e ot#er irrational. %ationally you t#ink t#at ) #ave treated you rat#er unfairly and t#at you find t#at treatment= as t#e dictionary states= <very 7ad= ugly= dis-

2),P0")AB Y 0% ,&+F-AAB&%)AB PH)+ , PH)&,

40

agreea7le= un.leasant= etc.< 3e may term your feelings rational or #ealt#y 7ecause t#ey aid your 7asic goals. 3#en you and ) made our agreement= you t#oug#t it would #ave advantages for you. My wit#drawal #as now frustrated t#at goal= so you rationally evaluate my actions as disagreea7le and un.leasant. -ational merely means t#at your a..raisal of my 7reaking our agreement leads to healthy negative feelings at .oint C. Considering t#e circumstances= you mig#t feel e9ce.tionally sorry= dis.leased= and disa..ointed 7ecause my unfairness #as inconvenienced you enormously. You would t#en #ave strong #ealt#y feelings at C. $ut your %ational $elief would not lead you to feeling 8m#ealt#ily angry. You create your anger 7y your )$= <&llis must not treat me unfairlyF< "#is .owerful must adds an un#ealt#y emotional Cuality to your awfuli8ing. Awfuli8ing is one of t#e main creators of irrationality and distur7ed emotions and 7e#aviors. )t goes 7eyond t#e feeling of un.leasantness and includes additional 7adness to e9isting 7adness. $y calling my in;ustice to you awful, you state or im.ly t#at it is 7adder t#an it must 7eDis .ractically more t#an 7ad. $y awfuli8ing a7out my 7e#avior= you im.ly several du7ious t#ings! 1.<2r. &llis treats me totally or 166 .ercent 7adly.< 2.<He seems to treat me worse t#an #e ever treats anyone.< (.<He should not, must not treat me t#at 7adlyF< *.<He must not treat me 7adly at all 7ut should only treat me well.< Assuming t#at you irrationally 7elieve my unfairness to you is awful= let us take t#e ne9t ste. in dis.uting your )rrational $eliefs. You can ask= <3#at makes &llis:s 7reaking t#e agreement awful<: You can t#en .ro7a7ly see t#at! 1.)t wasn:t 166 .ercent 7adDand certainly not more t#an 7ad. 2.) could #ave acted -worse in several ways. For instance= ) could #ave moved into t#e a.artment wit# you and refused to .ay my .art of t#e rent. (.) should #ave treated you 7adly= if t#at is w#at ) actually did. )

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have to #ave done w#at ) didDt#oug# ) don:t #ave to do it in t#e future. *. "#ere is no reason w#y ) must always treat you well. Alt#oug# you can ;ustifia7ly see t#e treatment you received as very 7ad= inconvenient= and disa..ointing= you cannot find it more t#an t#is= and yet you do irrationally t#ink it so w#en you define it as awful. 2r. 2onald Meic#en7aum= an outstanding cognitive-7e#avior t#era.ist w#o #as done many im.ortant researc# studies of Cognitive $e#avior "#era.y= refers to %&$" as a semantic t#era.y= and ) agree wit# #im. )t #el.s .eo.le discriminate 7etween t#eir generali8ations and t#eir overgenerali8ations and 7etween t#eir realityoriented t#inking and t#eir unrealistic t#inking. )n t#e case of t#e term awful, .eo.le often t#ink t#at t#ey mean bad or very bad, w#ile t#eir actual emotional meaning seems to include totally bad or worse than it must be. %&$" #el.s .eo.le see w#at t#ey really mean w#en t#ey use t#e term. %&$" does not say t#at you only emote t#roug# t#e use of words and language in overgenerali8ed ways. 7viously animals and very young c#ildren #ave emotions= and neit#er #as t#e use of language. $ut animals and c#ildren #ave limited emotional re.ertoires and= even more significantly= t#ey tend to emote in an unsustained= Cuickly dissi.ated manner. 3#en c#ildren get old enoug# to use language effectively= t#ey t#en acCuire t#e a7ility to sustain t#eir feelings and= unfortunately= also to make and kee. t#emselves emotionally u.set. Moreover= as #umans we invaria7ly seem to talk to ourselves a7out our emotional reactions. 3#en we feel #ig#ly emotional a7out somet#ing= we o7serve t#at state and evaluate #ow good or 7ad it is. 3e do t#is .artly 7ecause we #ave learned from ot#ers t#at some emotions are <good< and some are <7ad=< t#at some #ave advantages and some #ave disadvantages. $ut we also do it 7ecause #umans seem to o7serve t#eir emotional reactions. 3e can view our emotional state and t#ink a7out t#e .ossi7ilities of living wit# or

2),P0")AB Y 0% ,&+F-AAB&%)AB PH)+ , PH)&,

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c#anging it= or we can <awfuli8e< and say many negative t#ings a7out it to ourselves. 3e #ave t#is c#oice. 3#en you see me treating you in a certain manner and you t#ink my 7e#avior unfair= you tell yourself somet#ing a7out my unfairness. $y doing t#is= you create a .ronounced emotional feeling in your gut= eit#er #ealt#y sorrow or irritation or un#ealt#y rage. You t#en o7serve your emotional reactions >w#ic# you may not reali8e you .artly #ave c#osen for yourself?= and you evaluate t#em. You feel emotional a7out your emotions. You use certain words to create emotional reactions. "#e words you use affect you according to t#e meanings you give t#em. 3ords suc# as awful and terrible usually create distur7ed emotions. t#er words= suc# as bad and obnoxious, tend to create #ealt#y or undistur7ed reactions. Aot always= of course. You can say to yourself= <How o7no9iousF ) find 2r. &llis:s treatment unfairF< and mean t#at you find it more than o7no9ious. r you can say to yourself= <How awful ) find t#at treatment=< and mean t#at you merely find it o7no9ious and t#at you strongly wis# ) would treat you more fairly. 2o not t#ink t#at every time you see somet#ing as bad or unfortunate you stay wit#in social reality and t#at every time you see somet#ing as awful or horrible you de.art from social reality. Again= you control t#e meaning t#at you im.ose on words and= t#us= t#e .ower t#at you give to t#em. )n general= %&$" #as found t#at w#en you use words like awful, terrible, and horrible, you give t#em e9aggerated meaning. )f you see and can c#ange t#is tendency= you will significantly decrease your distur7ed feelings. Many .eo.le #ave a difficult time understanding t#at w#en t#ey say somet#ing like= <How awful t#at so-and-so treated me unfairly=< t#ey go 7eyond t#e facts of t#e <awful< situation and im.ly t#at! 1.,omeone #as treated t#em totally unfairly. 2."#ey #ave 7een treated as unfairly as anyone could .ossi7ly treat anyone. (."#ey can no longer en;oy life 7ecause t#is unfair treatment #as taken .lace.

45

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*."#e .erson w#o #as treated t#em unfairly is completely 7ad and #ardly deserves to live. /."#e unfair treatment was so 7ad t#at it absolutely should not #ave 7een t#at 7ad. Many .eo.le do not understand t#at t#e use of t#e term awful unrealistically im.lies t#ese t#ings. $y continuing to use t#e term= t#ey continue to u.set t#emselves a7out it. :+ow awful that $ have been treated in that way: often means:when they should have, must have treated me fairly. < For you to say t#at somet#ing s#ould or must not e9ist demands t#at .eo.le at all times treat you in t#e way in w#ic# you wis# t#ey would. You demand somet#ing of ot#er .eo.le t#at t#ey can never fulfill. How o7viously irrationalFDfor you e9.ect ot#ers to treat you in accordance wit# your .ersonal wis#es at all times. )f you say to yourself t#at someone absolutely should not act unfairly toward you= you im.ly t#at you do not merely see #is action as wrong 7ut also view t#e >entire? .erson w#o committed t#e action as 7ad. You feel t#at t#is .erson is ca.a7le of acting ;ustly= and you feel it is essential to you t#at #e do so. He must always act fairly= and must never act ot#erwise. "#is unrealistic demand t#at ot#ers must always act fairly in every situation makes you feel enraged w#en t#ey >of courseF? don:t. You can more rationally reali8e t#at many decent .eo.leDincluding yourselfDsometimes do unfair or un;ust deeds. You can more sanely feel keen disa..ointment and annoyance at t#e unfairness you encounter and not at t#e people w#o 7e#ave <unfairly.< $y looking closely at your own awfiils, shoulds, and musts, you can e9amine and rid yourself of many of t#e irrational ideas t#at lead to un#ealt#y emotional feelings at C. nce you learn to master t#e %&$" tec#niCue of finding= dis.uting= and de7ating your )rrational $eliefs= you can use it for t#e rest of your life. 3indy 2ryden and Hane 3alker devised an %&$" ,elf-Hel. Form t#at you can use to understand t#e A$C2&s of Anger and to kee. actively 2is.uting your )rrational $eliefs. ) revised t#eir form=

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and we routinely use it at t#e .syc#ological clinic at t#e Al7ert &llis )nstitute in Aew York to give to our clients. ,ee .ages /6-/(. t#er met#ods t#at you can use to 2is.ute your )rrational $eliefs t#at #el. create your feelings of rage are .resented in t#e later c#a.ters of t#is 7ook and in t#e writings of many ot#er .ractitioners of %ational &motive $e#avior "#era.y and Cognitive $e#avior "#era.y. "#ese include articles and 7ooks t#at you can find in t#e references at t#e end of t#is 7ook= es.ecially t#ose of Aaron $eck= Herry 2effen7ac#er= %aymond 2iBiuse..e= 3indy 2ryden= Paul Hauck= and %aymond Aovaco. Particularly #el.ful ways of 2is.uting your )rrational $eliefs t#at create several kinds of distur7ances in addition to severe anger can 7e found in my 7ooksG in Mic#ael $ernard and Hanet 3olfe= =he -E = &ource oo1 for ?ractitioners@ and in ,usan 3alen= %ay 2iBiuse..e= and 3indy 2ryden= # ?ractitioner2s Auide to -ational Emotive =herapy. +et me stress again t#at w#en you 2is.ute your )rrational $eliefs leading to distur7ances= you do t#is 2is.uting Cuite forcefully and emotionally, and t#at you do it behaviorallyDt#at is= see t#at it includes actions t#at contradict and #el. minimi8e your dysfunctional 7eliefs.

0(

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REBT SelfA (ACTIVATING EVENT)

Briefly summarize the situation you are distur ed a out (!hat !ould a "amera see#)

An A "an e internal or external, real or imagined. An A "an e an e$ent in the past, present, or future.

IB's (I%%ATI&NA' BE'IE())

* (*I)+,TING IB-))

To Identify IB's, look for:

To dispute ask yourself:

*&G.ATIC *E.AN*) (musts/ a solutes/ shoulds) A0(,'I1ING (It-s a!ful/ terri le/ horri le) '&0 (%,)T%ATI&N T&'E%ANCE (I "an-t stand it)
)E'(2&T3E% %ATING

(I-m 2 he 2 she is ad/ !orthless)

8 Windy Dryden

0 here is h oldin4 th is e lief 4e ttin 4 m e# Is it h elpful or se lf-d efea ting ? 0 he re is th e e $iden "e to su 55 o rt th e e 6isten "e o f m y irrationa l e lief# Is consiste it nt w ith rea llt/? Is m y elie lo f gica l? * o es it follo ! from m y 5 re fe ren "es# Is it really awful(as ad as it "ould7#)e C a n I re ally n sta ot ndit#

!ane Wal"er #992. $e%ised &y Al&ert 'llis (nstitute, #99).

2),P0")AB Y 0% ,&+F-AAB&%)AB PH)+ , PH)&,

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Help Form
C (CONSEQUENCES)
.a9or unhealthy ne4ati$e emotions: .a9or self:defeatin4 beha iors:

,nhealthy ne4ati$e emotions in"lude; An6iety *e5ression %a4e )hame2Em arassment 3urt RB's (%ATI&NA' BE'IE())

'o! (rustration Toleran"e <ealousy Guilt E (NE0 E((ECT) Ne! healthy ne!ati e emotions:

Ne! "onstru"ti$e beha iors:

To think more rationally, stri e for: N&N:*&G.ATIC +%E(E%ENCE) (!ishes/ !ants/ desires) EVA',ATING BA*NE)) (it-s ad/ unfortunate) 3IG3 (%,)T%ATI&N T&'E%ANCE (I don-t li=e it/ ut I "an stand it) N&T G'&BA''> %ATING )E'( &% &T3E%) (I?and others?are falli le human ein4s)

Healthy ne!ati e emotions In"lude:

*isa55ointment Con"ern Annoyan"e )adness %e4ret (rustration

2),P0")AB Y 0% ,&+F-AAB&%)AB PH)+ , PH)&,

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Help Form
C (CONSEQUENCES)
.a9or unhealthy ne4ati$e emotions: .a9or self:defeatin4 beha iors:

,nhealthy ne4ati$e emotions in"lude; An6iety *e5ression %a4e 'o! (rustration Toleran"e )hame2Em arassment 3urt <ealousy Guilt RB's (%ATI&NA' BE'IE())

E (NE0 E((ECT)
Ne! healthy ne!ati e emotions:

Ne! "onstru"ti$e beha iors:

To think more rationally, stri e for: N&N:*&G.ATIC +%E(E%ENCE) (!ishes/ !ants/ desires) EVA',ATING BA*NE)) (it-s ad/ unfortunate) 3IG3 (%,)T%ATI&N T&'E%ANCE (I don-t li=e it/ ut I "an stand it) N&T G'&BA''> %ATING )E'( &% &T3E%) (I?and others?are falli le human ein4s)

Healthy ne!ati e emotions In"lude:

*isa55ointment Con"ern Annoyan"e )adness %e4ret (rustration

0*

AAB&%

REBT SelfA (ACTIVATING EVENT)

flu boss critic feed me in +B d-idn2-1 ;:Le tnB ?L f o r m d d e s e r v e .

An A "an e internal or external, real or imagined. An A "an e an e$ent in the past, present, or future.

th e rs.

Briefly summarize the situation you are distur ed a out (!hat !ould a "amera see#)

IB-s (I%%ATI&NA' BE'IE())

* (*I)+,TING IB-))

H fi C usi hoi" c m e, Bsp fieC ,u m Dfrtrt1 o f o ft B r + s . e. ho.E been EBy uEDfour:bo me )& A6 M.'so>nfNKy F Dshouldn o t b e .
+e is A. -bote,ly +h-fnir ot;ni lousy person. K

must fie not be so

ho-&to, far<

+ e o c 1d

i4Ged- dotsn21 ma1e. 1im a, rotten p Brs )+.,

To Identify IB's, look for: *&G.ATIC *E.AN*) (musts/ a solutes/ shoulds) A0(,'I1ING (It-s a!ful/ terri le/ horri le) '&0 (%,)T%ATI&N T&'E%ANCE (I "an-t stand it) )E'(2&T3E% %ATING

To dispute ask yourself: 0here is holdin4 this elief 4ettin4 me# Is it helpful or self-defeating? 0here is the e$iden"e to su55ort the e6isten"e of my irrational elief# Is it consistent with reality? Is my elief logical? *oes it follo! from my 5referen"es# Is it really awful (as ad as it "ould e#/) Can I really not stand it#

(I-m 2 he 2 she is ad/ !orthless)

8 Windy Dryden

!ane Wal"er #992. $e%ised &y Al&ert 'llis (nstitute, #99).

2),P0")AB Y 0% ,&+F -AAB&%)AB PH)+ , PH)&,

03

Help Form
C (CONSEQUENCES)
.a9or unhealthy ne4ati$e emotions; Reiae, Depression.

.a9or self:defeatin4 eha$iors; Dairy foot- *rfffr" +to spite @ABrC ,e!-ng o-ers wlna".. louse /.y &oss is.
,nhealthy ne4ati$e emotions in"lude; An6iety *e5ression %a4e 3urt 'o! (rustration Toleran"e )hame2Em arassment <ealousy Guilt

E (NE0

E((ECT)

RB'S (%ATI&NA' BE'IE())

H iv;:sAhe. w euKO Knoi b e&o critical, but Afi has

Ne! healthy ne!ati e emotions:

)bviously, it if ffnty to3fteA in Ey head. Ce ecuE, easily be. unfair.

AKo trGaIBr how uirfetirly he. aId otter pBofJlB act"; he also does Many toad tfanos )/)E Adhnot be frta#y ,+fair oKd ro<tBG as # , person,. LLLLLLLLLLLLL
To think more rationally, stri e for:

eyeiytiy1t" to be..

Ne! "onstru"ti$e beha iors:

#$SSln % r

Ma kino e-ffort to do 7etfer oM. uforlc,

Healthy ne!ati e emotions In"lude:

N&N:*&G.ATIC +%E(E%ENCE) (!ishes/ !ants/ desires) EVA',ATING BA*NE)) (It-s ad/ unfortunate) 3IG3 (%,)T%ATI&N T&'E%ANCE (I don-t li=e it/ ut I "an stand it) N&T G'&BA''> %ATING )E'( &% &T3E%) (I?and others?are falli le human ein4s)

*isa55ointment Con"ern

A n n o y a n c e S a d n e s s
R e g r e t
(rustration

,ome Met#ods of "#inking Your 3ay out of Anger

Antiawfuli8ing and antimustur7ation form a core of rational t#inking to u.root your feelings of anger= rage= resentment= and fury. You awfuli8e and resort to mustur7ation in four ma;or ways= and once you tell yourself t#at you find somet#ing awful, t#at it must not e9ist t#e way it does= you also freCuently convince yourself of ot#er related )rrational $eliefs. +et us now look at t#ese common irrationalities and at #ow you can work on t#em. %&," refers to one of your 7eliefs as $-Can 2t-&tand-$t-itis. 3e freCuently find t#is ty.e of awfuli8ing or mustur7ation in statements like! <) can2t stand 7eing treated so unfairly and 7eing .ut to suc# great inconveniences 7y your unfair treatmentF< 3#at we call 2e7ating= as .art of 2is.uting= in %&$"= merely means asking yourself Cuestions t#at will c#allenge your )rrational $eliefs. "#e o7vious c#allenges consist of <3#y?< <How?< <)n w#at manner?< <3#at evidence e9ists for t#is?< <3#ere can ) find t#e .roof?< "#us= you ask yourself= <3#y or in w#at manner can:t ) stand suc# unfair treatment?< )f your answer to t#is turns out to 7e somet#ing like <) can stand it 7ecause it doesn:t really seem t#at terri7le=< you would seem on t#e rig#t track= 7ut in fact= your answer doesn:t Cuite suffice. First of 04

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all= 7y using t#e word terrible, you will #ave= as we #ave noted earlier= a difficult time defining t#e term itself. &ven if you yourself don:t find t#e situation so terri7le= a friend or some outsider mig#t ;udge it as terri7le. t#ers could t#en sway you into irrational modes of t#inking= even if you #ad already successfully de7ated t#e idea of terri7leness yourself. Agreeing wit# someone else:s conce.t of terri7leness most likely will encourage you into 7elieving t#at you can2t stand it and t#at &llis shouldn2t act in t#at terri7le way. For= as ) #ave stressed 7efore= t#e four 7asic kinds of )$s .eo.le tell t#emselves to create t#eir emotional u.sets tend to interact so t#at one leads to t#e ot#er! 1.<)t is terrible for &llis to treat me t#at way< seems also to meanD 2.<) can2t stand #is 7e#aving in t#at terri7le mannerF< (.<"#erefore= #e absolutely shouldn2t act in t#at terri7le way.< *.<He is a terri7le .erson to treat anyone= es.ecially me= t#at way.< )n one way t#ese seem like four different )rrational $eliefs. $ut terri7leness= )-Can:t-,tand-)t-itis= mustur7ation= and damning oneself or ot#ers all re.resent different forms of t#e same 7asic .ro.osition. )f we start wit# one of t#ese forms= we often im.ly or overtly end u. wit# t#e ot#er forms as well. %&$" #y.ot#esi8es t#at if you can sto. 7elievingDreally and t#oroug#ly sto. 7elievingDin one of t#ese forms of irrationality= you will t#en tend to sto. 7elieving in t#e ot#ers. Ao certainty a7out t#is= 7ut you #ave t#e tendency to do so. 3e return now to de7ating )-Can:t-,tand-)t-itis. )f we forget= t#en= a7out terri7leness= my unfair treatment of you leads to an evaluation suc# as= <$ecause &llis #as treated me e9ce.tionally unfairly and #as caused me great amounts of unnecessary #arm= ) can2t stand #is doing t#at to meF< You can now ask yourself t#e Cuestion! :Nhy can:t ) stand it?< 3it# t#e idea of terri7leness omitted= it a..ears t#at you see t#e situation as intolera7le 7ecause you t#ink you #ave e9.erienced too much .ainG too much suffering #as resulted from my unfair action. You #ave some#ow escalated muc# .ain and trou-

03

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7le into too much .ain and trou7le. "#e term too, as used #ere= #as a #ig#ly e9aggerated= sur.lus im.lication. You use it to demand t#at ) >and ot#ers? must create only so muc# inconvenience and no more for you. After t#at .oint you consider t#e .ain too much. "#us= w#enever you #ave t#e idea t#at you can:t stand t#e degree of un.leasantness t#at you e9.erience wit# my unfair treatment= you suffer not only frustration 7ut low frustration tolerance >+F"? as well. 3e can loosely descri7e +F" as t#e tendency to rant and rave at= rat#er t#an merely dislike= frustration. "#e ranting and raving makes you feel muc# more frustrated t#an you would ot#erwise feel. )f you 2e7ate= and kee. 2e7ating= your )-Can:t-,tand-)t-itis= you will arrive at a more .ractical attitude for dealing wit# frustration and a new .#iloso.#y or cognitive &ffect >&?= w#ic# we can call ):ll-Aever-+ike-)t-$ut-)Can-,tand-)t-itis. "#e Cuestion of w#et#er you will make t#is 7asic c#ange in attitude still remains. Anyt#ing you 7elieve you can also definitely refuse to 7elieve. You cannot control to any great degree w#at actually e9ists= 7ut you do controlDalmost com.letelyDw#at you thin1 about w#at e9ists. 3#ile you #ave very little control over #ow ) treat you >fairly or unfairly= well or 7adly?= you do #ave many c#oices over t#e manner in w#ic# you view my unfair 7e#avior. "#us= even if you ;udge my actions toward you as unfair and ot#ers agree t#at you #ave really 7een treated unfairly= you still can c#oose to! 1.$elieve t#at you can2t stand t#is unfairness or t#at you can. 2.2efine t#e unfairness as awful or to define it as merely 7ad. (."#ink ) must not treat you in an unfair manner or to t#ink it preferable t#at ) not treat you t#is wayG *.Hudge me as a t#oroug#ly #orri7le .erson or to ;udge me as a .erson w#o #as acted unfairly toward you in t#is .articular re s.ect. $f you will challenge and debate your hypotheses t#at you #ave little or no c#oice 7ut to feel t#at you can2t stand my treating you 7adly and t#at you can2t stand it 7ecause you find it too 7ad and t#at it shouldn2t 7e so 7adDif you will c#allenge t#is= t#en you will do somet#ing effective a7out surrendering t#ese )rrational $eliefs.

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+et us now go on to de7ate your ne9t )$! <2r. &llis should not, must not treat me unfairlyF< You can 2is.ute t#is )$ as follows! <Branted t#at &llis #as dealt wit# me unfairly and t#at most .eo.le in our society would agree t#at #e #as= w#y must #e not a7use me in t#is unfair manner?< )f we a..roac# t#is Cuestion from t#e .oint of social morality= one mig#t say t#at if t#e .eo.le in general ignored t#e oughts and shoulds of its social= moral= and et#ical standards= t#eir society could not survive as a civili8ed unit. Yet morality doesn:t actually determine w#at ought or should e9istG it merely esta7lis#es guidelines wit# regard to eit#er rig#t or wrong. )n ot#er words= civili8ed morality states t#at one had better act <.ro.erly< rat#er t#an <im.ro.erly< and goes on to say t#at ot#erwise 7ad results will accrue. )f 7ad results occur 7y someone:s actions= t#e mem7ers of a society may feel im.elledD7ecause of civili8ed moralityDto .enali8e t#e transgressor in order to encourage #im to act ot#erwise in t#e future. "o avoid Cui77ling= let us clearly define t#e difference 7etween <#ad 7etter< act as o..osed to <oug#t to< act in a certain manner. "#e statement <You had better act in a certain manner in order to 7ring a7out good social results< #as as its follow-u. statement= <)f you do not act in suc# a manner= your community= mem7ers of your society= will decide t#at .oor results #ave occurred and t#at you and t#eir society will suffer.< "#is statement seems realistic since we can o7serve rig#t and wrong acts and discover w#et#er t#ey really do lead to good or 7ad results for you and your community. 3e can c#eck t#is 7y consulting im.artial o7servers. However= t#e statement= <You ought to act rig#tly to get good results=< im.lies t#e following #y.ot#eses! <)f you do not do w#at you ought to do ... 1 . < . . . .oor results must occur for you and for everyone in your society.< 2 . < . . . some universal law commands t#at you deserve to get 7ad results and necessitates t#at dire t#ings will #a..en.< ( . < . . . you are a totally 7ad .erson.< * . < . . . you cannot .ossi7ly acce.t yourself and strive for real #a..iness in life.<

05

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"#e first of t#ese .ro.ositions ><)f you do not do w#at you oug#t to do= .oor results must occur for you and for everyone in your society<? seems #ig#ly e9aggerated= for if you act -wrongly= it would seem most unlikely t#at you and everyone in your society would suffer. "#e second and t#ird .ro.ositions are overgenerali8ations and unfalsifia7le and unverifia7le. And t#e fourt# .ro.osition again is false= since some .eo.le manage to acce.t t#emselves and to strive for >and gain? a good deal of #a..iness in s.ite of t#e fact t#ey 7e#ave wrongly or immorally. "#us= we see t#at two somew#at similar= yet contradictory= ideas e9ist #ere. For w#en you #old t#e idea t#at <Peo.le ought to treat me= must treat me 7etter=< you really im.ly! 1. <) would find it #ig#ly .refera7le if t#ey did treat me 7etter< and *. <$ecause ) would find it .refera7le= t#ey #ave to treat me 7et ter.< Alt#oug# t#e first 7elief is rational= t#e second one seems #ig#ly irrational. 3e #old= in %&$"= t#at if you stick wit# t#e %ational $elief ><) would find it #ig#ly .refera7le if t#ey did treat me 7etter<?= you would merely feel sorry and dis.leased wit# t#e .oor treatment you actually received. Yet if you .ersist= as many .eo.le #ave a tendency to do= in t#e )rrational $elief ><$ecause ) would find it .refera7le= t#ey #ave to treat me 7etter<?= you would in all .ro7a7ility end u. feeling very angry. "#erefore= to minimi8e your anger= you:d 7etter ask! <3#y must $ >or anyone? 7e treated fairly at all times?< "#e rational answer! <Alt#oug# it would 7e desira7le to 7e treated fairly at all times and alt#oug# social rules declare it advisa7le for .eo.le to act fairly to me= no universal law e9ists t#at ) must get treated fairly.< )f you agree wit# t#e a7ove= you will find t#at you will feel sorry and disa..ointed w#en ot#ers treat you unfairly= 7ut you won:t feel dysfunctional anger and rage. +et us once again review t#e main %&$" formula t#at we #ave discussed u. to t#is .oint.

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Activating &9.erience or Adversity >A?! ) #ave treated you unfairly 7y wit#drawing from an agreement we #ave made. %ational $elief >%$?! <) find 2r. &llis:s action de.lora7le and unfortunate.< Healt#y ConseCuence >HC?! feelings of frustration and dis.leasure. )rrational $elief >)$?! <How awfulF He s#ould not= must not treat me in t#at manner.< 0n#ealt#y ConseCuence >0C?! anger and rage. 2is.uting and 2e7ating >2?! You detect your )$s and 2is.ute and 2e7ate t#em 7y asking yourself Cuestions t#at c#allenge your inter.retations or 7eliefs regarding my treatment of you. &ffective Aew P#iloso.#y >&?! <) can see no reason w#y &llis must treat me fairly even t#oug# ) would definitely .refer it. He can treat me any way #e wants= #owever wrong #e may 7e.< $e#avioral &ffect >$&?! loss of anger= relief= and return to t#e Healt#y ConseCuence >HC?! feelings of sorrow and disa..ointment. 0ntil you go t#roug# t#ese A$Cs and 2&s many= many times= until you do t#em vigorously= strongly= and .owerfully= and until you act on t#em over and over again= you will tend to sink 7ack into your )rrational $eliefs and into your 0n#ealt#y ConseCuences. nly wit# continual .ractice will you minimi8e your )$s and= even t#en= never for all time to come. You will often tend to regress into your former #a7itsDas all #umans do. You will #ardly attain .erfection at all times= yet 7y using t#e %&$" met#ods you can often use your a7ility to recogni8e your )$s and 0Cs 7y using t#e .rocess of 2e7ating and 2is.uting t#em as t#ey recur. )n most situations w#ere you feel enraged= you #ave a #uman tendency to eCuate t#e .articular anger-.roducing action wit# t#e .erson res.onsi7le for it. ><He is a terri7le .erson to treat me t#at wayF<? You give glo7al ratings to individuals 7ecause of t#eir actions. 3e #ave already discussed t#is ty.e of reasoning in c#a.ter (.

3(

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Yet 7ecause of its im.ortance and 7ecause it constitutes one of t#e most difficult of your )rrational $eliefs to de7ate= we will now 7riefly review it again. Your glo7ally rating .eo.le and t#eir actions im.lies t#at only a rotten person can act in a rotten manner and t#at all rotten acts are done 7y rotten .eo.le. Furt#er= and more s.ecifically= it im.lies t#at any .erson w#o does anyt#ing you deem 7ad or un;ust must 7e a bad person. )f a good .erson .erforms good acts= t#en #e can never do anyt#ing 7ad= for #e is a good .erson and ca.a7le of only good acts. )f a 7ad .erson .erforms 7ad acts= #e can never do anyt#ing good= for #e is a 7ad .erson and can .erform only 7ad acts. "#is was clearly .ointed out in 15(( 7y Alfred @or8y7ski in &cience and &anity. He called your tendency to make t#is illogical ;um. <t#e is of identity< and said t#at virtually all #umans follow it. As noted in c#a.ter (= %ational $eliefs start wit# c#osen desires or .referencesD for instance= <) want to remain alive and ac#ieve #a..iness<Dand t#ey evaluate acts or traits as <good< or <7ad< according to #ow .eo.le:s 7e#aviors aid or 7lock t#eir c#osen desires or goals. "#ey evaluate 7e#aviors as #el.ful or un#el.ful to people@ 7ut t#ey do not evaluate or ;udge .eo.le themselves, in t#eir <essence< or t#eir <totality.< For 7y making suc# a glo7al evaluation of humans, you overgenerali8e and tend to sa7otage your survival and #a..iness. )s t#ere= t#en= no suc# t#ing as a 7ad .erson? %&$" #olds t#at no= t#ere are no 7ad .eo.le and= similarly= t#ere are no good .eo.le. Alt#oug# some do more <good< and ot#ers do more <7ad< deeds= all .eo.le do some of 7ot#. A #uman is a process, not a thing or an activity. Your e9.ectation t#at .eo.le act in a certain manner at all times is irrational= for as #umans we can never 7e all good or all 7ad at all times and in every situation. @ee. in mind t#e multidimensionality of .eo.le. "#eir many acts may make considera7le contri7utions to #umanity= and at t#e same time t#ey may also #ave many deficiencies. For instance= a man mig#t 7e a great scientist and #is work may 7e of great 7enefit= yet in #is .ersonal life #e may consistently treat ot#ers unfairly and un;ustly. $y avoiding rating .eo.le glo7ally= you allow yourself to see t#eir many as.ects even t#oug# t#ey may on occasion treat you unfairly.

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$ack to our a.artment-s#aring illustration. My wit#drawal from our agreement may #ave unfairly #armed you= 7ut if you rate me glo7ally for t#is= if you make yourself angry wit# me for t#is action= you no longer allow yourself to en;oy my Cualities t#at induced you to want to s#are an a.artment wit# me in t#e first .lace. "#us= wit# your anger= you may cut yourself off from rewarding .ersonal e9.eriences wit# me >and ot#ers? in t#e future. Biving glo7al ratings to ot#er .eo.le also encourages your #uman tendency to rate yourself glo7ally= to .lace t#e same unrealistic e9.ectations on yourself as you .lace on ot#ers. )n t#is way you seek to gain self-esteem or self-confidenceDfreCuently called ego strengt#D7y living u. to t#ese e9.ectations. $ut even t#oug# you may act fairly or ;ustly in many situations= you may also fail to do so from time to time. 3#en t#is occurs= you tend to feel de.ressed and self-downing 7ecause you #ave failed to live u. to your e9.ectations of yourself. ,elf-confidence includes and always leaves you on t#e 7rink of self-de.recation. ,elf-esteem leads to self-downing. &go strengt# involves inci.ient loss of ego. You don:t normally #ave self-esteem wit#out self-disesteem. Hust as you 7egin to like yourself 7ecause you do t#e rig#t= good= or fine t#ing= you also 7egin to #ate or de.recate yourself 7ecause you do t#e wrong= 7ad= or even ordinary t#ing. ,elf-esteem= if you feel it= reCuires continual 7ooster s#ots= and t#e only real and effective 7ooster seems to consist of more good deeds= more #ig# ratings for your traits. )f you give glo7al ratings to yourself or ot#ers= you will feel forced to c#ange your estimations of you and t#em continually. However= if you stick to rating only your 7e#aviors= you will remain far less confused and more consistent in your rating t#e effectiveness of w#at you t#ink= feel= and do. )n %&$" we consider virtually all anger at a person un#ealt#y. )f you feel angry a7out my act of unfairness= you at worst consider it very 7ad and t#ink t#at $2d better c#ange it for t#e trait of fairness. "#at seems rational 7ecause as long as ) act unfairly= ) will needlessly #urt you and ot#ers= and you= t#ey= and even ) would find it .refera7le to avoid t#at. You could= of course= consider my unfairness awful, meaning totallyDor 166 .ercentD7ad= 7ut t#at would

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7e irrational since you would t#en e9aggerate. As long as you stick to t#inking of my unfairness as #ig#ly undesira7le and as long as you stick to #ating it, we can call you #ealt#fully or rationally angry. 3e can define rational anger as e9treme annoyance= irritation= frustration= .iCue= or dis.leasure at my unfair acts. Your rational anger leads to determination to stay away from me 7ecause of my misdeeds= and .ossi7ly your attempt to get me to c#ange= to act more fairly. All t#ese reactions seem Cuite sensi7le. $ut if you view my unfairness as awful or totally 7ad= and you also view me as 7ad for acting unfairly= you e9aggerate or create unrealistic t#inkingDand may feel anger= resentment= rage= fury= and wrat# a7out me and my 7e#avior. "#eoretically= you could acknowledge your anger and feel #ealt#ily angry wit# me for my unfairness. $ut t#e vast ma;ority of t#e time t#at you feel angry= you t#ink t#at 7ecause you don:t like my 7e#avior= it a7solutely must not e9ist= t#at ) w#o created it should not #ave acted t#e way ) did= t#at you find it awful t#at ) acted unfairly= and t#at ) am a bad person. You can feel e9tremely annoyed and dis.leased and may call t#ose feelings rational anger. "#e trou7le wit# doing so arises from your tendency to refuse to face your feelings of <real< or dysfunctional anger and to insist t#at you merely feel annoyed w#en you truly feel very angry. ,o ) .ersonally .refer to t#ink of .ractically all emotions of anger as un#ealt#y and self-defeating= even t#oug# ) acknowledge t#at you may .refer to la7el some of t#em as <#ealt#y.< ) fully acknowledge t#at w#enever ) #onestly feel <angry< ) not only want .eo.le to act well 7ut also demand or command t#at t#ey do so. )f you can feel <angry< wit#out suc# a demand or command= fineDyou can t#en say t#at you feel <rational anger.< $ut for t#e sake of clarity and finer discrimination= ) would .refer to la7el your <rational anger< as <strong annoyance< or <.rofound irritation< at ot#er .eo.le:s behaviors. ) #ave said t#at if you rate my deeds= suc# as my fairness to you and ot#ers= as good= t#is may 7e accurate and rational= 7ut t#at if you rate me as good for acting well= you are 7eing inaccurate and irrational. You tend to #el. me raise my self-esteem 7y rating me as

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#uman. 3#at we call self-esteem= t#en= often amounts to grandiosity= w#en we t#ink of ourselves as 7etter or more wort#y t#an ot#er .eo.le. ne of our .rimary .ur.oses in self-rating is t#at we try to s#ow not only t#at we are #uman >w#ic# is true= no matter w#at we do? 7ut also t#at we are su.er#uman= or su.erior to all ot#er #umans. 3#en we say= <) #ave self-esteem=< we really say t#at we are nearly .erfect= godlike= and no7le. 3e don:t merely mean t#at our traits are su.erior to t#ose of ot#ersG we actually mean t#at our essence is 7etter t#an t#at of ot#ers. 3e may also mean t#at if we don:t e9cel over ot#er #umans and 7ecome universally acknowledged as su.erior= we #ave little or no value. ) #ave always found it interesting t#at w#en .eo.le do somet#ing .oorly= t#ey not only see t#emselves as .retty wort#less individuals= 7ut also tend to acce.t and forgive ot#ers= very often= for e9actly t#e same deficiency. For e9am.le= if someone writes a .oor essay= #e may often= u.on reali8ing t#e .oor Cuality of t#e work= view #imself as a total failure w#o can never write well. Yet if someone else were to write somet#ing eCually .oor= #e would tend to forgive t#e ot#er .erson:s deficiency. Peo.le tend to feel far more self-critical t#an critical of ot#ers 7ecause t#ey demand almost .erfect 7e#avior of t#emselves. )f you encounter an e9cellent writerDfar more skilled t#an yourselfDyou may feel so resentful and intimidated 7y t#e ot#er:s success t#at you can neit#er a..reciate nor learn from #is skills. For t#is would involve admitting t#at .erson:s su.eriority insofar as writing. Having acce.ted your own inferior writing a7ility= you would most likely automatically surrender your total self-wort#. For t#ese and many ot#er reasons= you:d 7etter wisely avoid attem.ting to rate eit#er yourself or ot#ers 7y any one of t#eir good or 7ad traits. )t can lead mainly to self-defeat. ) do not Cuestion #ere t#e idea of evaluating and ;udging s.ecific traits and c#aracteristics in yourself and ot#ers. You may .assionately like or dislike anyt#ing you c#oose. ) stress t#e idea of carrying your ;udgment of a trait into ot#er areas of a .erson:s total makeu.. ) would suggest t#at your wisest a..roac# is evaluating eac# trait

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individually and com.aring all t#ese traitsD7ot# t#ose t#at you find a..ealing and t#ose t#at you find distasteful. 3it# t#is overview= you can t#en decide w#et#er you #ad 7etter avoid or seek out a .articular .erson. $ut not to damn or wors#i. #im or #erF )f you see t#at .erson:s 7ad as well as good traits= you can accept #er wit# distasteful c#aracteristics. )n every individual you will find disagreea7le acts and traits. You may= of course= attem.t to #el. someone alter #er <7ad< traits= 7ut you:d 7etter not make t#at c#ange necessary to continuing t#e relations#i.! for often you will find a .erson:s deficiencies unc#angea7le. 0ntil you readily acce.t t#at .eo.le #ave a com7ination of good and 7ad c#aracteristics you will find it difficult and frustrating to enter into any kind of #onest close relations#i. wit# anot#er. )f we can acce.t falli7ility in ourselves and in ot#ers= we will no longer demand t#at a .erson should or must act in a s.ecific manner at all times. 3e will no longer insist on .erfection and will no longer find im.erfection intolera7le. 3e will 7e more a..reciative of our own Cualities and t#ose of ot#ers. "#is more realistic attitude will also 7etter ena7le us to live #a..y and .roductive lives. 3#ile you may often find it difficult to tolerate negative as.ects of your intimates= you also do not want to live wit#out t#ose same .eo.le and t#eir traits t#at you en;oy. "#e illustration of t#e a.artment-s#aring agreement serves as a good e9am.le of t#is situation= too= for you discover t#at you #ave to live wit#out somet#ing t#at you wanted very muc# 7ut t#at you could not #ave. )f you would face your loss rationallyDand not demand t#at )= w#o 7roke t#e agreement wit# you= feel guilty or inferiorDyou could .er#a.s at some time in t#e future again agree to carry out our agreement. Branted= a w#ile may #ave to .ass 7efore t#is would occur= 7ut if you act rationally during t#e difficult .eriod of our relations#i.= we could #ave an e9cellent c#ance to resolve our difficulties. )n using t#e %&$" a..roac# to t#e .ro7lem of rage= you uniCuely concentrate on c#anging yourself= rat#er t#an c#anging me. "#is frees you from t#e self-distur7ing t#at accom.anies anger= an9iety= and de.ression. )nstead of e9.ending time= t#oug#t= and energy on me and my <rottenness=< you use your strengt# to get w#at

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you want from me as Cuickly and as easily as .ossi7le. %age will only 7ring you furt#er un.leasantness= suc# as feuding wit# me. "#e %&$" met#od encourages your inde.endence and #el.s you reali8e your .otential as a #uman w#ile teac#ing you to acce.t your s#ortcomings wit#out creating feelings of wort#lessness. $y reducing un#ealt#y attitudes a7out yourself and ot#ers= you can come to realistic views. You live in a roug# worldG and if you e9.ect to get t#e im.ortant t#ings t#at you want= you #ad 7etter .re.are to deal wit# its situations and .eo.le in a #ard#eaded manner. 3it# %&$" tools= you will find yourself well eCui..ed to live #a..ily and sanelyDto unu.settedly confront t#e daily frustrations t#at often .lague your life. You can also co.e 7etter wit# situations and .eo.le or conditions t#at 7lock your goals. "o ac#ieve suc# an outlook seems well wort# t#e effort t#at t#e %&$" met#od reCuires.

,ome Met#ods of Feeling Your 3ay out of Anger

)n t#is c#a.ter we s#all discuss some of t#e emotive met#ods used in %&$" to overcome your anger. $y <emotive< ) mean a forceful= #ard-#itting= sometimes dramatic way of interru.ting and c#anging your anger and a met#od t#at focuses on your <feelings< or <desires<Dw#ic# invaria7ly include <t#oug#ts< and <actions< 7ut w#ic# we can somew#at ar7itrarily descri7e in t#eir own rig#t. <$e#avioral< met#ods= w#ic# we consider in t#e ne9t c#a.ter= may overla. wit# <emotive< met#ods 7ut tend to stress <actions< rat#er t#an <feelings.< "#e first and .er#a.s most im.ortant of t#e emotive met#ods of overcoming anger is unconditional self-acce.tance or self-res.ect. "#is includes t#e strong resolve to acce.t yourself fully= no matter w#at you may do= including making yourself angry. )f you were to come to me= an %&$" t#era.ist= and tell me t#at you kee. angering yourself= ) would try to s#ow youD7y my attitudes and 7e#avior toward youDa model of w#at %&$" calls unconditional ot#er-acce.tance >0 A?. ) would agree wit# you a7out t#e disadvantages of your anger= 7ut ) would acce.t you as a #uman with your wrong 7e#avior and would not in any way .ut you down for #aving it. My unconditionally acce.ting you= as Carl %ogers

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.ointed out= wit# 7ad 7e#avior may well ena7le you to acce.t yourself and to #ave more time and energy availa7le to c#ange t#at 7e#avior. f course= ot#ers don:t always acce.t you. $ut even if almost everyone tends to severely critici8e you for your feelings and 7e#avior= you can still acce.t yourself fully. For if you take t#e criticisms of ot#ers to #eart= if you agree wit# t#em t#at you are a wort#less .erson 7ecause of your .oor actions= you choose to agree wit# t#eir notions. You could= instead= listen to t#ese .eo.le= fully acknowledge t#eir negative o.inions a7out you and your actions= and t#en only see your behavior as ina..ro.riate= 7ut not t#at you are a bad person for #aving suc# 7e#avior. You t#en would decide to disagree wit# t#em. >)f you can decide to agree wit# ot#ers: glo7ally downing you for your anger= you can also decide to disagree wit# t#em.? )f you already tend to down yourself wit#out muc# influence from ot#ers for your un#ealt#y feelings and actions= you can decide not to agree wit# your own self-downing attitudes. You can decide to acce.t yourself wit# your anger w#ile acknowledging it as a fault t#at you would like to amend. "#is strong decision amounts to an emotive met#od of self-c#oosing. "#e more decisively= t#e more strongly and firmly you determine to acce.t yourself and to refuse to down yourself at all, no matter w#at you do in life= t#e more you will feel self-acce.ting. You acce.t yourself= as Beorge Her7ert Mead and Harry ,tack ,ullivan .ointed out= 7y #earing ot#er .eo.le:s .ositive a..raisals of you and ado.ting t#em as your own. You can also 7e self-acce.ting 7y figuring out for yourself t#at you can #ave t#at feeling= no matter w#at= and 7y firmly deciding= choosing to acce.t yourself even t#oug# you may #old some emotions >suc# as anger? t#at you wis# to alter. "#e ne9t ste. involves your working continually at maintaining your feeling of self-acce.tance. 3e 7elieve an idea strongly not merely 7ecause certain .eo.le kee. re.eating it to us 7ut also 7ecause we consciously or unconsciously re.eat it to ourselves over and over. &ven if you #ave a .#ysiologically 7iased ideaDsuc# as t#e notion t#at cake tastes good and meat tastes 7adDyou kee. re.eating t#is idea to yourself many times. &s.ecially w#en you eat cake= you tell yourself #ow good it is and #ow muc# 7etter it is t#an steak.

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0naware or semiconsciously= we .ut a good deal of effort into endorsing one idea ><Cake tastes greatF<? and <verifying< an o..osing idea ><,teak tastes rottenF<?. ut of t#is kind of .er.etual work and .ractice comes your strongDand #ig#ly emotiveD conviction a7out t#e relative merits of cake and steak. ,imilarly= you can .ractice fully acce.ting yourself wit# your anger= and t#e more often and more strongly you work toward t#is acce.tance= t#e 7etter you will feel a7out yourself. )n %&$" we assume t#at anger does you more #arm t#an good and t#at knowing t#is= you would .refer to minimi8e it. 3e view surrendering your )$s as an im.ortant .art of minimi8ing anger and en;oying a #a..ier life. At t#e same time we stress t#e im.ortance of fully acce.ting yourself and of re.eating to yourself unconditional acce.tance. Anot#er emotive tec#niCue consists of %ational &motive )magery >%&)?= formulated in 1511 7y 2r. Ma9ie C. Maults7y Hr.= a rational-7e#avior .syc#iatrist. ) #ave ada.ted it as follows! First= you imagine a negative event t#at normally leads to your feeling angry. Lividly and intensely imagine= for e9am.le= t#at ) not only refuse to s#are t#e a.artment wit# you and un;ustly wit#draw from our agreement= 7ut t#at ) also deny ) ever made suc# an agreement wit# you. ) strongly assert t#at you fa7ricated t#e w#ole story in an attem.t to make me into a 7ad guy. Aow imagine t#is negative e9.erience and let it evoke intense feelings of anger and rage. +et yourself feel enraged at me= 7ot# for going 7ack on my word and for denying we #ad ever made suc# an a.artment-s#aring agreement. %at#er t#an avoid t#ese angry feelings= let t#em eru.t wit# t#eir fullest intensityG let yourself fully e9.erience t#em for a few minutes. After you #ave really and truly e9.erienced your rage for a w#ile= .us# yourselfDreally try to .us# yourselfDto c#ange t#ese feelings. 0se w#at you #ave learned from %&$" and work t#roug# t#e A$Cs ste. 7y ste.. )f you feel anger= don:t t#ink t#at you can:t c#ange t#is feeling 7y talking to yourself. You can. You can c#ange it at almost any time 7y working at doing so! 7y getting in touc# wit# your gut-level feeling of anger and 7y .us#ing yourself to c#ange so t#at you e9.erience different and more #ealt#y feelings= suc# as keen dis-

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a..ointment and irritation at my 7e#avior. You definitely #ave t#e a7ility to make t#is emotional c#ange. ,o give it a sincere tryG concentrate and do it. After you #ave .us#ed yourself to feel t#e Healt#y ConseCuences of keen disa..ointment and irritation rat#er t#an your dysfunctional feelings of anger= take a careful look at w#at you #ave done to make t#ese c#anges and try to retrace or reca.ture t#e e9act ste.s of your mental .rocess. You will note t#at you #ave in some manner c#anged your $elief ,ystem at .oint $= and t#ere7y c#anged your &motional ConseCuences at C. You may .roduce t#is c#ange 7y telling yourself= < #= well= ):ll never like &llis:s denying we ever #ad our agreement= 7ut #e definitely #as t#e rig#t= as a falli7le #uman 7eing= to act in t#at o7no9ious manner.< r= <He really #as inconvenienced me greatly 7y #is unfair 7e#avior= 7ut my world won:t come to an end 7ecause of t#at inconvenience. How annoyingF $ut ) don:t #ave to view it as all t#at 7ad.< +et yourself clearly see w#at you #ave done 7y carefully and closely e9amining w#at im.ortant c#anges in your $elief ,ystem you #ave made. Make yourself fully aware of t#e new %ational $eliefs >%$s? t#at create your new Healt#y ConseCuences >HCs? regarding t#e un.leasant ADmy acting unfairly to you and t#en denying my unfairness. )f your angry feelings do not c#ange as you attem.t to c#ange t#em= don:t give u.. @ee. fantasi8ing t#e same un.leasant e9.eriences or events and kee. working at your emotions until you do c#ange t#em from un#ealt#y to #ealt#y negative feelings. You create and control your feelings= and you can c#ange t#em. nce you succeed in feeling disa..ointed or irritated rat#er t#an angry and once you see e9actly w#at 7eliefs you #ave c#anged in your #ead to make yourself feel disa..ointed 7ut not emotionally distur7ed= kee. re.eating t#e .rocess. Make yourself feel angryG t#en make yourself feel disa..ointed and annoyed 7ut not angryG t#en look again at e9actly w#at you did to 7ring a7out t#ese c#anges. @ee. .racticing 7y doing t#is over and over again until t#e .rocess 7ecomes familiar and increasingly less difficult to carry out. )f you kee. .racticing %ational &motive )magery >%&)? for a few

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minutes every day for several weeks= you will reac# a .oint w#ere w#enever you t#ink of an event a7out w#ic# you would normally make yourself angry= you will tend automatically to feel disa..ointed and annoyed rat#er t#an enraged. )f you #ave trou7le .racticing %&) every day= you can reinforce or motivate yourself 7y rewarding yourself after you use it wit# some .ersonal indulgence t#at you .articularly en;oy. n days w#en you fail to do your %&) e9ercise= you can deny yourself somet#ing you like or .enali8e yourself 7y doing some task you find distasteful. ) #ave rarely met an individual w#o could not kee. .racticing %&) to reduce anger. ver t#e .ast years ) #ave taug#t #undreds of .eo.le t#is met#od= and t#ose w#o actually and sincerely worked at it #ave in most cases 7een a7le significantly to reduce t#eir tendencies to anger t#emselves at many situations. You can also em.loy %&) met#ods to create .leasura7le feelings a7out someone= w#ic# will distract you and overcome your #ostile feelings. %. 3. %amsay= a cognitive-7e#avior t#era.ist at t#e 0niversity of Amsterdam= #as done some e9.eriments and #as worked wit# a tec#niCue #e calls emotional training. As a..lied to anger= you can ada.t #is emotional training as follows! "#ink of an intensely .leasant e9.erience you #ave #ad wit# t#e .erson wit# w#om you now feel angry. 3#en you #ave fantasi8ed suc# a .leasant e9.erience and #ave actually given yourself unusually intensely warm feelings toward t#at .erson= continue t#e .rocess. %ecall .leasant e9.eriences and good feelings= and use t#em to overcome your angry feelings. %ational &motive )magery and .leasura7le self-training use t#e same .rinci.le of anger indoctrination t#at originally contri7uted to t#e formation of your )$s. +eft to your own devices= you not only create anger toward ot#ers 7ut also kee. .racticing and .racticing t#ese feelings until t#ey <naturally< arise again. You may not 7e consciously aware of it= 7ut you do t#is kind of .racticing wit# regard to your un#ealt#y negative emotions. $y t#e same token= t#en= you can deli7erately .ractice ac#ieving #ealt#y negative emotions= as you do in %&)= or you can deli7erately .ractice .ositive or .lea-

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sura7le emotions= as in %amsay:s emotional training tec#niCue. )f you actively use t#ese met#ods= t#ey can #el. you ac#ieve feelings ot#er t#an anger. %&$" uses my famous shame-attac1ing and ris1-ta1ing exercises to #el. you overcome feelings of self-downing= 7ut you can em.loy t#em to reduce anger as well. 3#en ) invented t#ese e9ercises= ) reali8ed t#at most .eo.le u.set t#emselves 7y making t#emselves feel as#amed! as#amed of doing somet#ing wrong and as#amed of ot#ers: witnessing t#eir wrongdoing and t#inking 7adly of t#em. )n t#e s#ame-attacking e9ercise ) try to get my clients to do t#ings t#at t#ey consider <risky=< <s#ameful=< <em7arrassing=< or <#umiliating=< suc# as telling strangers t#at t#ey #ave ;ust 7een released from a mental institution= yelling out t#e time of day in .u7lic= or wearing outlandis# clot#ing. "#ey t#en can see t#at t#ese <s#ameful< acts really don:t make t#em feel em7arrassed or lead to selfdowning unless t#ey t#emselves decide to feel t#at way. "#ey can also see t#at t#e s#ameful acts do not cause as muc# concern in t#e minds of ot#ers as t#e .otentially <s#amed< t#ink t#ey willG t#at ot#ers Cuickly forget a7out t#ese acts= rarely concern t#emselves muc# wit# t#em. )f you feel terri7ly as#amed or em7arrassed 7y various #armless actsDlike singing in .u7licDyou= too= can try a few of t#em until you see t#at not only can you 7ear to do t#em= 7ut you can also learn muc# 7y .erforming t#em and can even come to en;oy t#em. At times we cover u. feelings of s#ame or em7arrassment wit# t#ose of anger. You can use t#e same met#od descri7ed a7ove to .ractice feeling neit#er s#ame nor anger. For e9am.le= su..ose a waiter in a high-class restaurant gives you poor service and you feel asnasnec;fo dnng;rfo;us2attention or to comp;sin a#out;tDfor fear #e will treat you wit# disdain or= .er#a.s= make some dis.araging remarks a7out you. Force yourself= under suc# conditions= to s.eak to t#e waiter a7out t#e .oor service and even ask #im to do somet#ing you normally wouldn:t! re.lace your sou.= for instance= w#ic# you find too cold= wit# warmer sou.. $y doing t#is= you will see t#at your <s#ameful< act really #as no intrinsic <s#amefulness.< As you do it= also try to get yourself to feel t#at t#e waiter #as #is own #uman fal-

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li7ility and t#at once you e9.ress your dis.leasure wit# #is 7e#avior= you do not #ave to condemn #im for 7e#aving 7adly. ,imilarly= if you tend to feel #ostile toward .eo.le w#o act unfriendly to you= go out of your way <s#amefully< to encounter some of t#em! Horn in on a conversation t#ey are #aving wit# someone else= or insist t#at you #ave met t#em 7efore w#en you really #aven:t. $y working against your s#ame in t#is connection= you will .ro7a7ly see t#at you may invent some of .eo.le:s unfriendliness as a .rotection against your <s#amefully< encountering t#em and t#at= in reality= t#ey don:t feel very #ostile or unfriendly toward you. %isk-taking and s#ame-attacking e9ercises are assertive 7e#aviors. "#is 7rings us to regular assertion training= w#ic# %&$" #as used since its ince.tion and w#ic# is an e9cellent way to tone down feelings of anger. For ;ust as anger freCuently covers u. feelings of s#ame= it also stems from dee.-seated feelings of unassertiveness. You would like= for e9am.le= to say no to a friend:s reCuest t#at you #ave no desire to fulfill= yet you don:t feel comforta7le a7out asserting yourself. Per#a.s you fear 7eing re;ected if you say no= so you wit##old your feelings and go along wit# your friend:s wis#es. $ecause you act unassertively= you can easily 7egin to #ate yourself for acting so weakly and to #ate your friend for mani.ulating you into doing somet#ing you don:t want to do. )f unassertiveness leads to #ostility= you may often resolve your anger 7y training yourself to act more assertively. "#us= if you firmly kee. refusing to <go along< wit# individuals w#o try to get you to do so= you will not act weakly= you will #ave no reason to condemn your 7e#avior or yourself for it= and you will not condemn ot#ers for <forcing< you to do w#at you do not want to do. Assertion training= t#oug# it falls under 7e#avioral met#ods of com7ating anger >w#ic# we will consider in t#e ne9t c#a.ter?= also can 7e done emotively w#en you strongly desire to act assertively and fail to do so. )f you sincerely want to say no to someone 7ut #esitate 7ecause you fear re;ection= you mig#t try forcing yourself to say it until you <naturally< feel good saying it and can easily say it again and again. Your .racticing suc# assertiveness training is an evocative-emotive .rocedure.

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Forcing yourself to 7e#ave differently from t#e way you usually do com.rises t#e main emotive element #ere. As ) kee. noting= <emotional< t#inking and <emotional< activity are strong= forceful 7e#aviors. 3#en emotional= you very muc# want >or <need<? t#ings to go or not go in a certain way= and you feel #ig#ly motivated to get w#at you want. &motionally= you move powerfully toward or away from various .eo.le and conditions. Forcing yourself to c#ange your 7e#avior >es.ecially w#en you #ave trou7le doing so? is an emotive= dramatic way of self-modification. Assertion training freCuently is t#is kind of forcing. )n %&$" we #ave always em.loyed some of t#e role-.laying and 7e#avioral-re#earsal tec#niCues originally created 7y H. +. Moreno and t#en ada.ted 7y Frit8 Perls and ot#er Bestalt t#era.ists. 3#ereas Moreno= Perls= and ot#ers tend to use t#ese tec#niCues largely for a7reactive .ur.osesDt#at is= for t#e reliving of early emotional e9.eriences and for cat#artic releaseDwe tend to use t#em in more 7e#avioral ways= as es.oused 7y 7e#avior t#era.ists. ,u..ose= for e9am.le= t#at you want to tell someone off a7out somet#ing you dislike wit#out raging= and you #ave trou7le doing so. As your t#era.ist= ) mig#t get you to try to e9.ress t#e feelings you #ave a7out t#is situation. You mig#t t#en role .lay yourself= and anot#er .erson >or myself? mig#t role .lay t#e .art of t#e individual w#om you wis# to confront. You would first tell e9actly #ow you feel a7out t#e circumstances= .er#a.s trying to e9.ress yourself as #onestly as .ossi7le. "#en ) and ot#er onlookers >suc# as t#e mem7ers of your t#era.y grou.? would give a critiCue of your .resentation= commenting on w#et#er you s.oke >1? too #esitantlyG >2? too angrily instead of assertivelyG >(? Cuite a..ro.riately. )f you did well= we mig#t ask you to re.eat t#e .erformance several times= merely to re#earse it and get you used to it. )f you did .oorly= we mig#t ask you to try doing it again in different ways= until you seemed to e9.ress yourself not only t#e way you felt 7ut also in t#e way t#at would most likely 7ring you t#e results you wanted. 3#en alone= you can do t#is kind of role .laying or emotive acting out in your #ead= in front of a mirror= or wit# t#e use of a ta.e recorder. r you can do it wit# t#e #el. of a friend or a grou. of

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friends. )t does not reCuire a t#era.ist or a t#era.y grou.= t#oug# often you will find suc# a setting useful. You can em.loy %&$"-ty.e role .laying= eit#er wit# yourself or wit# ot#ers= not merely to e9.ress yourself and your feelings or to let off steam= 7ut also to s#ow yourself t#at you really create your own angry feelings and t#at you #ave muc# 7etter c#oices. Many kinds of .syc#ot#era.ies 7elieve t#at if you feel angry at someone= you #ave to let out t#is anger 7efore you can deal wit# t#e situation sensi7ly. "#ey encourage you to scream or yell loudly at someone= .ound .illows >w#ic# may re.resent t#e .erson you wis# to strike?= or ot#erwise <let yourself feel< your anger. Considera7le clinical evidence indicates= #owever= t#at t#e more you take out your anger t#is way= t#e angrier you tend to 7ecome. %&$" offers a good e9.lanation for t#is occurrence. )f you= for e9am.le= deli7erately insult someone w#o #as done somet#ing <wrong< to you or if you .ound on a .illow t#at re.resents t#at .erson= you in all .ro7a7ility tell yourself somet#ing like= <He really did treat me unfairly and ) #ate #im. He absolutely should not #ave acted t#at way toward me= and ) really #o.e t#at #e gets .unis#ed for treating me so 7adlyF< As you release your feelings in t#is way= you will <confirm< your )rrational $eliefs a7out t#e .erson you t#ink #as a7used you. He #as acted 166 .ercent wronglyG #e #ad no rig#t w#atsoever to make suc# mistakesG #e is a rotten person for acting in t#at wayG #e deserves to 7e .unis#ed. Per#a.s after you release your #ostility in t#is active manner= you will go 7ack and review w#at actually #a..ened and somew#at forgive t#e ot#er .erson for #is <awful< acts. More t#an likely= #owever= your e9.ressed #ostility will serve only to #el. you e9acer7ate t#e <terri7leness< of t#ese acts and make you feel= for t#e .resent and t#e future= even angrier. ,ome .eo.le= after .#ysically or ver7ally e9.ressing t#eir #ostility to ot#ers >or to t#e world?= see #ow muc# t#ey kee. making a mountain out of a mole#ill= and t#en calm down and feel only disa..ointed and sorry a7out t#e way ot#ers treat t#em. $ut t#e ma;ority of .eo.le seem to <confirm< t#eir irrational view t#at ot#ers shouldn2t act 7adly toward t#em and t#at 7ad acts mean t#e entire

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.erson is 7ad. )ronically= t#e more t#ese .eo.le <release=< <ventilate=< or <a7react< t#eir anger= t#e angrier t#ey feel= and t#e more likely t#ey will tend to make t#emselves angry again at ot#er unfairness. ,o alt#oug# occasionally in %&$" we #el. some .eo.le e9.ress t#eir .ent-u. feelings of anger >for e9am.le= 7y encouraging t#em to tell someone off in one of our grou. t#era.y sessions?= and alt#oug# we #el. t#em s#ow t#eir feelings of annoyance or dis.leasure at t#e 7e#avior of ot#er .eo.le= we almost always try to #el. t#em see t#at t#ey really create t#eir own feelings of anger and t#at t#ey #ave muc# 7etter c#oices. %&$" em.#asi8es t#at w#en you feel ot#ers treat you unfairly= you #ad 7etter acknowledge your feelings of anger= if you #ave t#em= admit t#at you largely create t#ese feelings= and surrender t#e s#oulds and musts wit# w#ic# you create t#ese un#ealt#y feelings. )n t#is way you can end u. feeling very disa..ointed and sorry rat#er t#an angry= and you can .er#a.s c#oose to e9.ress t#ese #ealt#y feelings instead of c#oosing to e9.ress your un#ealt#y #ostile feelings. Many researc# and clinical studies #ave 7een done reviewing t#e .syc#oanalytic #y.ot#esis t#at letting your anger directly out= eit#er ver7ally or actively= will reduce your rage. Almost all t#ese studies s#ow t#at t#is idea is largely a myt#. Among sc#olars w#o #ave reviewed t#e results of t#ese studies are $. H. $us#man and %. F. $aumeister= +arvard Cental +ealth Oewsletter, Howard @assinove= and Carol "avris. %&$" 7y no means o7;ects to your #aving intense feelings= including negative ones= 7ut it encourages you fully to acknowledge= get in touc# wit#= and sto. denying suc# feelings. )t s#ows you #ow to discriminate #ealt#y feelings of annoyance and dis.leasure from un#ealt#y feelings of rage. %&$" teac#es you #ow to kee. t#e former and #ow to c#ange t#e latter. )t gives you a c#oice a7out w#et#erDand #owDyou e9.ress your feelings to ot#ers. Ao matter #ow you feel= you:d 7etter #onestly recogni8e your feelings. $ut recogni8e doesn:t necessarily mean endorse. Aor does it mean e9.ress. ,ome of your aut#entic feelings you can fully endorse and #ad 7etter e9.ress. $ut not all of t#emF

,ome Met#ods of Acting Your 3ay out of Anger

+ike en;oyment or .leasure= emotional distur7anceDas noted long 7efore modern .syc#ot#era.y came into e9istenceD#as a strong #a7ituating com.onent. "#is #a7ituating tendency works more or less automatically and unconsciously and .lays a large and im.ortant .art in distur7ed t#inking= emoting= and 7e#aving. 3e can e9.lain t#is com.ulsion to re.eat your anger as follows! Peo.le .ro7a7ly first 7egan to treat you unfairly during your early c#ild#ood w#en you almost com.letely de.ended on ot#ers for t#e gratification of your urges. You .ro7a7ly t#oug#t somet#ing like! <"#ey must not treat me t#at unfairlyF< Having made t#is statement to yourself= you mig#t #ave made yourself feel angry and las#ed 7ack at un;ust .eo.le. $ut over a .eriod of time= as you <.racticed< t#is irrational 7elief= you swiftly= easily= and automatically 7egan to make t#is ideaDt#at you must receive only <fair< treatment and t#at ot#ers must not treat you in any ot#er mannerD.art of your 7asic .#iloso.#y. ,o now= as t#is t#oug#t #a7itually and automatically occurs= you <.ractice< feeling very angry and las# 7ack at .eo.le w#om you t#ink angered you. Your t#inking= your feeling= and your activityDt#e w#ole com.le9 of your angerDt#erefore are immediate= refle9ive= #a7ituated
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res.onses. After a w#ile you 7egan merely to .erceive t#at as soon as anyone treated you unfairly= you instantaneously felt angry and you t#en las#ed 7ack at an unfair .erson. "#en you .ro7a7ly concludedDmistakenlyD<"#e act of t#is individual:s treating me un;ustly automatically makes me angry.< Actually= you #a7itually made yourself angry. Alt#oug# we allow our unconscious #a7ituation tendencies to take over many of our originally conscious activities= we never entirely eliminate t#e cognitive elements directing our t#inking and 7e#avior. 3#en we do well at somet#ing= we normally #ave an underlying .#iloso.#y= <) want to do well at t#is activity and will try to do it as well as ) can.< 3#en we #ave .oor res.onses to somet#ing= suc# as Cuickly and instantly making ourselves enraged at anot#er:s unfair 7e#avior= we also seem to #ave an underlying .#iloso.#y= t#is time an a7solutistic should or must attitude t#at sa7otages our desire to do well and creates our selfdefeating 7e#avior. Per#a.s uniCuely among ma;or .syc#ot#era.ies and self-#el. .rocedures= %&$" fully recogni8es t#at we can and do #ave conscious and unconscious ideas 7e#ind our <automatic< or #a7ituated feelings and actions. )t s#ows you #ow to look for and identify and t#en dis.ute and significantly c#ange your .#iloso.#ies t#at do not seem to work 7est for youDnota7ly= your irrational .#iloso.#ies. $ut it also acknowledges t#e enormous influence and .ower t#at #a7ituated= <.racticed< 7e#avior #as on t#oug#ts and feelings. %&$":s 7e#avioral #omework assignments try to #arness and use t#at .ower constructively. For instance= if you kee. #aving a difficult time learning to .lay tennis 7ecause you feel inferior and .ut yourself down for not making any .rogress at mastering t#e game= you canDin s.ite of your negative attitudesDforce yourself to .lay daily. Alt#oug# your self-defeating views and self-downing feelings will interfere wit# your learning to .lay well Cuickly= t#ey may not interfere wit# your learning to t#e .oint w#ere you won:t 7e a7le to .lay t#e game at all. 2es.ite your feelings and your in#i7iting tendencies= you can .ersist at .racticing .laying. As you do so= you ultimately .lay ten-

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nis 7etter= and finally you 7egin to .lay well. At t#at .oint in your .rogression you reali8e! <) t#oug#t ) could never .lay tennis even adeCuately= 7ut ) now see t#at ) can .lay fairly well. ) still will not always .lay .erfectly= 7ut ) see t#at ) can .lay well enoug#.< $y forcing yourselfDin s.ite of your self-downing attitudes and your in#i7itory 7e#aviorDto kee. .racticing tennis= you can actually affect your negative attitudes and t#ere7y give u. your selfdowning a7out .laying tennis. You can .ro7a7ly do t#is more swiftly and t#oroug#ly if you also look at and dis.ute your )rrational $eliefs. $ut ;ust as your 7eliefs influence your 7e#avior= your 7e#avior also influences your 7eliefs. You t#erefore #ave a c#oice of working on c#anging 7ot# your 7eliefs and your 7e#avior or of c#anging eit#er one to #el. you c#ange t#e ot#er. %&$" encourages you to make 7ot# t#ese c#oices. )t not only uses #ig#ly cognitive and emotive met#ods >t#at largely involve c#anging attitudes and feelings?= 7ut also tries to get you to em.loy a num7er of activedirective= 7e#avioral met#ods >t#at mainly involve c#anging overt actions?. An im.ortant form of treatment= one in w#ic# %&$" #as .ioneered e9tensively= consists of active= in vivo >in your own life? #omework assignments. "#is means t#at we give almost all our regular clientsDand we can teac# .eo.le like you to give yourselfD steady #omework assignments to assist t#em in overcoming various emotional .ro7lems. 0sing our illustration= let us assume t#at you feel angry wit# me for wit#drawing from our agreement and t#at you seek #el. from an %&$" t#era.ist. Your first #omework assignment mig#t consist of your maintaining contact wit# me w#ile you kee. working t#roug# your .ro7lems of anger. For if you immediately 7reak off t#is contact 7ecause you are angry toward me= your wit#drawal is somet#ing of a co.-out. Your goal need not merely include your efficiently sto..ing me from treating you unfairly againDw#ic# you could nicely do if you discontinued your relations#i. wit# meD7ut also can include getting yourself to feel only #ealt#ily disa..ointed or annoyed wit# my unfairness. )f you sto. contacting me= you may decrease your anger at me for t#e wrong reasonsD7ecause you are not around me. You

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will #ave done little to im.rove your own 7e#avior and feelings. "#us= if you cease to feel angry at me 7ecause you forget a7out me and w#at ) #ave done= w#at kind of c#ange #ave you made? You will still= .resuma7ly= maintain t#e same .#iloso.#y as 7efore. You merely won:t activate t#at .#iloso.#y 7ecause you don:t .resently #ave any Activating &vent in w#ic# you will em.loy it. "#is amounts to somet#ing like your angering yourself immensely 7ecause a man steals from you and your t#en feeling little anger toward #im 7ecause #e does not #ave t#e o..ortunity to steal from you again. Avoidance of .ersons and situations does little to alter your angercreating .#iloso.#y. You still #ave it= and you will continue to use it to enrage yourself w#enever unfair e9.erience occurs again. )f= #owever= you take t#e #omework assignment of continuing to stay in some kind of relations#i. wit# a man w#o #as treated you un;ustly and even .er#a.s give #im an o..ortunity to re.eat #is .oor treatment= and if you maintain t#is ongoing contact and still don:t anger yourself a7out w#at #e #as done to you= t#en it would a..ear t#at you:ve really worked on= and to a considera7le degree c#anged= some of your irrational= anger-creating 7eliefs. Your #omework assignment or 7e#avioral .ro;ect can consist ol two .arts! first= your 7e#avioral activity itself .maintaining the contact with an un>ust person)@ second= your cognitive activity .wor1ing on your ideas about people and their treatment of you while you continue to- partic ipate with them). ) favor #omework assignments wit# 7ot# 7e#avioral and cognitive com.onents= 7ecause 7y using t#is dual a..roac# my clients can .ersonally work t#roug# t#eir emotional and 7e#avioral .ro7lems simultaneously and use t#eir own t#oug#ts and actions to gain a clearer understanding of t#e connections among t#e factors we #ave 7een discussing. )n many situations an9iety accom.anies anger. You may make yourself angry 7ecause you feel an9ious a7out confronting ot#ers a7out t#eir .oor and unfair 7e#avior= and 7y angering yourself you cover u. t#e feeling of #el.lessness t#at accom.anies an9iety. "#us= you use anger to create t#e false sense t#at you are working at doing somet#ing a7out your an9iety. $n vivo #omework assignments can #el. you work out your com-

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.ound difficulties of anger= an9iety= and de.ression in several ways. As mentioned= one way involves staying in an un.leasant or o7no9ious situation and working t#roug# your distur7ed feelings a7out it. For e9am.le= if you felt an9ious a7out confronting me a7out my unfair treatment= you could force yourself to confront me a7out a num7er of my lesser faults. You mig#t mention suc# t#ings as my failure to meet or call you w#en ) #ad said t#at ) would or my s.eaking nastily to you. You can try anot#er a..roac# to dealing wit# your feelings of an9iety or self-downing a7out #aving your anger. You can force yourself to reali8e t#at you #ave a rig#t= as a #uman= to #ave feelings of anger. $y acknowledging t#is s#ortcoming and de.loring your anger 7ut not damning yourself for #aving it= you would gain selfacce.tance. )n acce.ting yourself= you would also feel less intimidated a7out your ot#er feelings= suc# as an9iety in anger-.roducing situations. You would t#en find it far easier to dis.ute your )rrational $eliefs= for you would allow yourself awareness of t#em. $e#avioral #omework assignments can #el. you #a7ituate yourself to face <distur7ing< e9.eriences and deal wit# t#em rationally. You see t#at you can survive #a..ily in s.ite of your frustrations. )n acCuiring t#e disci.line t#ese assignments demand= you tend to increase your frustration tolerance. "#is greatly #el.s= since emotional distur7ancesDanger= an9iety= de.ressionDin .art result from low frustration tolerance >+F"?. 3e often remain an9ious a7out confronting .eo.le 7ecause we refuse to 7ear t#e discomfort t#at we would tem.orarily feel if we confronted t#em. 3e sometimes make ourselves angry 7ecause we refuse to acknowledge t#e reality of frustrating situations and .assively acce.t t#em w#en we cannot easily and Cuickly remove t#em. $y refusing to tolerate t#e difficult situations= we may sustain our anger= for t#roug# our ina7ility to work t#roug# disa..ointing .ro7lems we do not give ourselves t#e o..ortunity to c#ange t#e )rrational $eliefs t#at t#ey s#ould not e9ist. Bood activity #omework assignments t#erefore #el. you stay wit# and tolerate un.leasant situations until you can effectively c#ange t#em. "#e more you do t#is kind of #omework= t#e more

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you tend to increase your tolerance for frustration and t#ere7y minimi8e your tendencies to make yourself angry and de.ressed. Hose.# 3ol.e= a famous 7e#avior t#era.ist= .ioneered an effective systematic desensitiPation e9ercise t#at you a..ly t#roug# t#inking and rela9ing rat#er t#an t#roug# live .in vivo) action! +et yourself t#ink of some situation in w#ic# you normally would feel very angry. As you .icture it= let yourself rela9 7y using any one of a num7er of tec#niCues= suc# as yoga= or t#inking of .leasant rela9ing scenes. As you rela9= your rage tends to dissi.ate. After you #ave .racticed interru.ting your anger wit# rela9ing e9ercises over a .eriod of time= you may well get to a .oint w#ere you no longer feel anger in t#ese situations. r you can use a #ierarc#y of <anger-creating< scenes= as 3ol.e would again suggest. 3rite down a series of suc# scenes= ranging from mildly angering to greatly angering. $egin 7y .icturing t#e milder ty.e of situation and immediately interru.t your feelings of anger 7y letting yourself rela9. After you no longer feel angry at t#is situation= go on to .icture a more .rovoking situation and interru.t t#at one= again 7y rela9ing. $y continuing t#is .rocess of training yourself to interru.t your anger= you esta7lis# a gradual seCuence of desensiti8ation to t#ese situations. After you #ave gone t#roug# your own #ierarc#y of mildly= moderately= and intensely angering scenes and #ave succeeded in rela9ing instead of feeling enraged= you will tend to feel desensiti8ed to many kinds of frustrating situations. Furt#er details of using systematic desensiti8ation com7ined wit# rela9ation tec#niCues are given in my 7ook +ow to Control 6our #nger efore $t Controls 6ou, w#ic# ) aut#ored wit# C#i. "afrate. You will find systematic desensiti8ation >,2? somew#at similar to %ational &motive )magery >%&)?= alt#oug# it #as an im.ortant difference. ,2 advocates t#at you 7egin wit# t#e least .rovoking situation and gradually work your way u. to a more dramatic e9.erience. You #ave to rela9 every time you go t#roug# t#e #ierarc#y of an9iety-creating or anger-inciting scenes t#at you imagine. %&)= on t#e ot#er #and= asks t#at you begin with t#e worst .ossi7le situation and let it flood your senses. "#us= you actively force yourself to c#ange

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your feeling from an un#ealt#y one= suc# as anger= to a #ealt#y one= suc# as disa..ointment. You may find 7ot# t#ese met#ods effective. %&$" also makes use of $. F. ,kinner:s tec#niCue of operant conditioning. "#is self-management tec#niCue uses t#e .rinci.les of reward and .enali8ation. You reward yourself wit# a .ri8e >suc# as food= a..roval= or a muc#-soug#t-after .rivilege? w#en you .erform a desired 7e#aviorG and use a .enalty w#en you do not .er-J form it. 0sing .enalties= as well as reinforcements or rewards= does not amount to t#e same t#ing as damning and .utting yourself down for your .oor 7e#avior. +et us make a clear distinction 7etween a penalty and a punishment. )f you kee. #aving tem.er tantrums and you wis# to sto. #aving t#em= for instance= you can legitimately de.rive or fine yourself wit# some kind of .enalty. )n t#is case t#e term penaliPe sim.ly means to de.rive yourself of somet#ing you consider 7eneficial or en;oya7le in order to #el. you c#ange your undesira7le 7e#avior. "o .unis# yourself= on t#e ot#er #and= means >1? to .enali8e yourself in t#e sense ;ust noted and >2? to denigrate yourself as a .erson for meriting t#e .enalty. ,kinner:s work #as led to considera7le criticism 7ecause wit# o.erant conditioning you can su7tly mani.ulate .eo.le 7y using reinforcing .rinci.les to get t#em to do many t#ings t#ey don:t really want to do. "#e tec#niCue can 7e a7used= es.ecially in controlled environments= suc# as sc#ools= #os.itals= and .risons. As used in %&$" and most ot#er forms of 7e#avior t#era.y= #owever= o.erant conditioning mainly takes t#e form of contingency management or self-control a..lications. Clients w#o wis# to c#ange t#eir selfdefeating 7e#aviors and= .articularly= to disci.line t#emselves w#en t#ey normally #ave great trou7le doing so= agree to carry out assignments and to acce.t .leasant reinforcements only if t#ey com.lete t#eir assignments satisfactorily. "#ey also may agree to acce.t certain .enalties if t#ey do not carry out t#eir assignments. ,elf-management can also 7e used 7y individuals w#o make contracts wit# t#emselves. 3riters and artists #ave for many centuries #el.ed t#emselves work at t#eir crafts for a minimum .eriod of time eac# day 7y allowing t#emselves to eat= read= or talk to t#eir

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since you force yourself to .ut u. wit# it twice! on your way to work and on your way #ome. A .enalty can also add a 7urden to your daily routine= suc# as mowing your lawn. )f you wis#= you can institute a s.ecial reward and .enalty system. )f you do your #omework every day of t#e week= for instance= you can give yourself a su.er reward on t#e weekendDsuc# as going to dinner at a s.ecial .lace. )f you #aven:t ke.t your agreement= you can im.ose a s.ecial .enalty like getting u. early on a weekend morning to do some 7ot#ersome c#ore. +et me reiterate t#e difference 7etween .enalty and .unis#ment. As ) tell my clients= you may decide to .enali8e la7oratory animals for going down t#e wrong .at#ways in a ma8e in order to #el. t#em discover t#e rig#t .at#ways. $ut you certainly wouldn:t scream at or 7rutali8e t#em if t#ey #adn:t res.onded correctly. You do t#is essentially= #owever= w#en you .unis# >rat#er t#an merely .enali8e? yourself for inefficient 7e#aviorDyou .ut yourself down as a #uman. ,o long as you stay wit# t#e idea <) want to give up my anger,< you can logically follow it wit#! <and since ) find it so #ard to give it u. and so difficult to train myself to work against it= ) want to find a .enalty t#at will #el. me work at giving u. t#is anger.< )f you use t#is kind of formula= your desire to acce.t t#e .enalty outweig#s your desire to avoid t#e difficult task of disci.lining yourself against your anger. You willingly im.ose a .enalty on yourself in order to overcome your unwillingness to acce.t t#e .ain of c#anging your 7e#avior. 3#en you .unis# yourself= rat#er t#an .enali8e yourself= #owever= you really tell yourself= <) must give u. my anger and make myself more disci.linedG if ) don:t do w#at ) must do= ) not only will .enali8e myself= 7ut will also .ut myself down for not kee.ing my agreement wit# myself.< "#e .unis#ing eCuation includes an a7solutistic must and a self-downing conseCuence of t#at must. Many .eo.le find it difficult to make t#e necessary distinction 7etween t#ese two ideas= for t#ey feel t#at some force in t#e universe degrades t#em w#en t#ey #ave .romised t#emselves to do somet#ing sensi7le and t#en #ave failed to follow t#roug# wit# t#at .romise. %&$" tries to #el. .eo.le sto. t#is ty.e of self-flagellation. %&$" also em.loys a good deal of assertion training >A"?= strongly

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geared to #el. .eo.le act assertively rat#er t#an aggressively. 3l you assert yourself= you merely seek w#at you want and avoid w#at P don:t want. However= w#en you act aggressively= you also add a #os com.onent to your feelings and 7e#avior! Your 7elief t#at ot#ers # no rig#t to 7lock you from getting w#at you want leads you to feel contem.tuous toward t#em for refusing to give it to you. %& teac#es you #ow to distinguis# assertion and #ow firmly and .er tendy to strive for t#e t#ings you want wit#out #ating ot#ers= unnec sarily antagoni8ing t#em= refusing to com.romise= and demanding commanding t#at t#ey must give you everyt#ing you desire. %&$" sets t#e stage .#iloso.#ically for your trying to act sertively rat#er t#an aggressively and in t#is res.ect differs sign cantly from less discriminating t#era.ies. nce you understand key %&$" .rinci.le and fully acce.t t#e fact t#at ot#ers do not m you angry 7ut t#at you #ave t#e res.onsi7ility for creating your o rage= you can muc# more effectively .erform many assertion tra ing e9ercises t#at will #el. you overcome a good deal of your fi ,elf-assertion involves considera7le risk taking! doing w#at i really want to doG refraining from doing w#at you really don:t w to do. Aaturally= ot#er .eo.le may feel annoyed 7y or t#ink N .aragingly of you for your assertiveness. Assertiveness t#erefore tails .ossi7le .enalties= and you #ad 7etter consider t#ese 7ef you assert yourself= .articularly in some instances w#ere you as! yourself wit# a su.ervisor or 7oss. You may deem t#e risks you t too #ig#= and t#us you may decide not to assert yourself. 2e! erately #olding 7ack on asserting yourself may at times constit very rational 7e#avior. Many of t#e times w#en you 7e#ave .assively= #owever= you v normal risk taking as 7eing too risky 7ecause you are overconcen a7out gaining t#e a..roval of ot#er .eo.le. %ational &motive #avior "#era.y s#ows you #ow to risk t#e disa..roval of ot#erG order to allow yourself t#e freedom of asking for w#at you wanl #el.s you first 7reak down your avoidance of risk and t#en m more overt and assertive moves. ,ome common assertive #omework assignments t#at we wo encourage you to try if you are using %&$" include t#e followi

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Take specific risks

"#ink of a few t#ings you would like to do 7ut #ave felt e9tremely afraid to do and #ave t#erefore avoided. +ike sending 7ack a .oorly cooked dis# in a restaurant. r wearing an article of clot#ing t#at looks garis#. r eating a sandwic# w#en riding a 7us or su7way train. r raising your #and in a large audience to ask w#at t#e ot#er .eo.le in t#e audience t#ink is a foolis# Cuestion. r telling someone im.ortant to you t#at you dislike #is 7e#avior= w#ile trying not to .ut #im down for .erforming 7adly. Risk rejection by asking for something "#ink of somet#ing you really wantDsuc# as se9= a s.ecial food= a 7ack ru7= or going to a movieDsomet#ing you t#ink will result in refusal if you ask for it. %isk t#is refusal 7y s.ecifically asking one of your associates= friends= or relatives for t#is favor. 3#en refusal #as occurred= try to talk t#e ot#er .erson into rescinding t#is refusal. )f you don:t succeed= try on some ot#er occasion to get w#at you want. Risk saying no or refusing something yourself Pick somet#ing t#at you don:t usually want to do 7ut t#at you often do in order to .lease ot#ersDsuc# as going out to eat= #aving se9 in a certain way= or carrying on a conversation for a long .eriod of timeDand deli7erately take t#e risk of refusing to do t#is. You can at times forcefully refuse= ;ust to make t#e risk of saying no greater. r you can nicely 7ut firmly refuse= and .ersist at refusing= even t#oug# t#e ot#er .erson kee.s trying to get you to do it. Do something ridiculous or "shameful" As noted in t#e .revious c#a.ter= you can do some s#ame-attacking e9ercises. "#ink of somet#ing you and most ot#er .eo.le would t#ink foolis# for you to do in .u7lic and deli7erately do t#is <s#ameful< or <em7arrassing< t#ing. +ike singing at t#e to. of your lungs in t#e street. r walking a 7anana= as if walking a dog or a cat

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on a leas#. r wearing a #ead7and wit# a large yellow feat#er stuck in it. r sto..ing a little old lady and asking if s#e would #el. you cross t#e street. Deliberately fail at an important task or act as if you had Make yourself fail at a task t#at you normally would not want to let .eo.le see you fail at= and make sure t#ey know a7out your failure. 3#ile .laying in a 7ase7all game= for e9am.le= deli7erately dro. a fly 7all t#at .ractically falls into your #ands. 2uring a .u7lic s.eec# make yourself stutter for a w#ile. "ell .eo.le t#at you #ave failed an e9amination w#en you #ave really .assed it. Assert yourself coolly Many of t#e .ro.onents of assertion training w#o swear 7y t#e fig#t-:em-and-assert-yourself sc#ool forget t#at .laying it cool often is a 7etter way of getting w#at you want. Coolly assert t#at you live for your own en;oyment= and not for #el.ing ot#ers. You feel determined to #ave your way .revail. As +ois $ird correctly .oints out in regard to a mate w#o would get along 7etter wit# a .artner= <) don:t care w#at you feel on a gut levelG you don:t #ave to s.read it all over t#e ver7al landsca.e. You can turn it off and talk to >your mate? wit# your cool intact.< ,#e doesn:t Cuite note t#at t#is cool 7e#avior makes you more assertive= in many instances= t#an overtly telling your .artner off. Rehearse resistance to giving in Beorge $ac# and Her7 Bold7erg advocate a form of re#earsing resistance t#at consists of your getting toget#er wit# a .artner w#o makes a reCuest of you and t#en giving #im a reason w#y you don:t want to fulfill t#is reCuest. Your .artner kee.s coming u. wit# reasons w#y you s#ould fill t#e reCuest= and you kee. saying no D giving good reasons for your refusal. "#is re#earsal continues until you say= <You:ve convinced me=< or your .artner says= <) see t#at ) won:t succeed in convincing you= so ) t#ink we:d 7etter sto..<

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Courageotis confrontation As noted a7ove= #ostility and violence often stem from lack of courage. You refuse to go after w#at you want and t#en= #ating yourself for your own weakness= you feel angry and com7ative toward t#ose wit# w#om you #ave acted weakly. &s.ecially in males= as ,#erwyn 3oods notes= <violence is a restorative act= attem.ting to restore masculine self-esteem via aggressive demonstrations of .ower and strengt#.< 3#en you are violent= you often deny feelings of .assivity and de.endency t#at in our society are deemed feminine. ne antidote to t#is kind of unassertiveness is courageously confronting t#ose wit# w#om you disagree. Certainly= overt conflict may t#en result= 7ut at least you will get t#ings out in t#e o.en= and may resolve t#em. )f= t#erefore= you will courageously confront t#ose wit# w#om you seriously disagree= your confrontation may well s#ow ot#ers t#at you #ave relatively little fear= will try to #ave your side .revail= and deserve consideration and .er#a.s com.romise. How do you .erform t#is kind of direct confrontation? $y s#owing yourself t#at you can stand o..osition and rudeness and t#at if ot#ers dislike you= you need not dislike yourself. 3#ile so doing= you often #ad 7etter force yourselfDyes= force yourselfFDto ver7ally confront your o..onents. Ao matter w#at t#e initial .ain of so doing= remem7er t#at t#e .ain of nonconfrontation generally is muc# worseDand more .rolongedF
Feedback

%o7ert &. Al7erti and Mic#ael &. &mmons= in 6our ?erfect -ight, e9.lain in detail #ow t#era.ists can #el. t#eir clients= es.ecially t#eir marital counseling clients= 7y re#earsing wit# and modeling for t#em assertive rat#er t#an aggressive 7e#avior. You can do t#is kind of re#earsal 7y #aving one of your friends witness and <referee< a mock fig#t 7etween you and= say= your mate or your 7oss. ,et u. a s.ecific scene of conflictG decide wit# your onlooker e9actly w#at you and your antagonist will doG #ave your witness critiCue .our role .layingG t#en re.lay t#e <drama=< getting more feed7ack

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and coac#ing 7y your onlooker. 2o t#e same role .lay several times until you .erfect it. 3it#out an onlooker= you can use a ta.e recorder or video re corder to <o7serve< you and your .artner during your role .layin; and can get feed7ack from t#e recorded scene to see #ow you #av done and #ow you can im.rove. ,ometimes you can use t#e re corder= and sometimes you can use a live witness. At still ot#er time you can #ave live ver7al differences wit# your .artner and t#en as. one or more onlookers to re.ort 7ack to you w#at t#ey #eard am #ow t#ey felt a7out your own and your .artner:s assertiveness.

Prior preparation
Assertion often consists of .re.aring yourself in advance to des wit# .assive aggressors or .rocrastinators. ne of your friends ma not ask you to do t#ings you don:t want to do 7ut may .romise t meet you for a..ointments and never s#ow u. or consistently tur! u. late. )f so= you t#en set very .recise and active rules= suc# as <1 you don:t s#ow u. 7y ten-t#irty and ) #aven:t #eard from you 7 .#one= ) s#all go to t#e movies 7y myself.< )n making t#ese rule! make sure t#at you don:t make t#em idly and t#at you stick to t#en Clearly distinguish assertion from aggression Al7erti and &mmons make a fine .oint of clearly distinguis#in assertive from aggressive 7e#avior= following some .rior leads 7 Arnold +a8arus and my own writings. As +a8arus and Allen Fay notN <Assertion involves taking a stand= resisting unreasona7le demandG or asking for w#at you want. Aggression involves .utting anot#e .erson down. Assertion is .ositive= aggression negative.< "#e mai differences among unassertive= assertive= and aggressive 7e#avior ir elude t#e following! I ,nassertive behavior" You want somet#ing and do not #onestF e9.ress your want or make any effort to o7tain it. You resort to ir direct= .assive= somew#at dis#onest actions. You freCuently do nc

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admit to yourself w#at you really want and don:t want. You needlessly in#i7it yourself and even deny some of your 7asic desires. You tend to feel an9ious= #urt= and angry. I#ssertive behavior" You want somet#ing= #onestly acknowledge to yourself t#at you want it= and for t#e most .art try to get it. You ict o.enly wit# ot#ers= 7ut strongly and .ersistently try to get w#at you want for yourself. You feel self-interested and selfen#ancing. 6ou value ot#er .eo.le:s values and goals 7ut often .refer your own somew#at to t#eirs. You are active and e9.ressive. I#ggressive behavior" You feel angry toward ot#ers for 7locking your goals and often try to do t#em in rat#er t#an to get w#at you want. You strongly 7elieve t#at t#ey s#ould not= must not t#wart you. You are emotionally #onest= 7ut act in an all-for-me and mefor-all way. You e9.ress yourself fullyDand freCuently overdo it. 6ou often feel rig#teous and su.erior to ot#ers and tend to damn t#em. You may later feelDor not feelDguilty a7out your #ostility. )f you will see t#e differences among t#ese t#ree kinds of 7e#avior= and not only t#ink you #ave a c#oice 7etween unassertiveness md aggression= you can train yourself= along t#e lines outlined in t#is 7ook= to act truly assertively= wit# res.onsi7ility toward yourself and ot#ersDas Art#ur +ange and Patricia Haku7owski and ot#er %&$"-oriented t#era.ists advocate. Acting assertively ,ome of t#e elements of acting assertively= as outlined 7y +ange and Haku7owski and 7y Hanet +. 3olfe= include t#ese 7e#aviors! I3#en e9.ressing disa..roval of= or your desire not to do= some t#ing= use a decided no. 2on:t #edge or leave t#e decision u. to t#e ot#er .erson. 2on:t make yourself defensive or a.ologetic. I,.eak in an audi7le= firm voice. Avoid w#ining and making #ars# and accusatory statements. IBive as .rom.t and 7rief a re.ly as .ossi7le= wit#out using long .auses or interru.tions.

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I"ry to #ave ot#ers treat you wit# fairness and ;ustice and .oi out w#en t#ey don:t. $ut don:t insist or commandF I3#en asked to do somet#ing you consider unreasona7le= ask i an e9.lanation and listen to it carefully. 3#ere a..ro.riate= su gest an alternative act or solution you would .refer. IHonestly e9.ress your feelings wit#out using evasion= attacki! t#e ot#er .erson= or trying to ;ustify yourself in a defensive ma ner. I3#en e9.ressing dis.leasure or annoyance= try to tell t#e otli .erson t#e as.ects of t#e 7e#avior t#at you don:t like. 2on:t! tack= name-call= or im.ly t#at t#e .erson deserves damnationF I%ecogni8e t#e usefulness of )-messages instead of you-messag 7ut also note t#at t#e former .rovide no .anacea. Hose.# 3ol; one of t#e .ioneers in assertion training= tends to advocate messages and t#e use of anger in t#e learning of assertiveness. & t#era.ists like Arnold +a8arus and 2avid 2. Hewes .oint c t#at )-messages= too= can include a great deal of self-defeati rage w#ile a..ro.riate you-messages may not. "#us= if you c ;ect to t#e way a salesman deals wit# you= you can angrily s wit# an )-message= <) get miffed in t#is kind of setu.= w#en 11 to 7uy a s#irt from you and you 7e#ave t#e way you do to nn r you can nonangrily= wit# a you-message= say= <You really seN to feel u.tig#t today. Ao wonder you act t#is way.< +a8arus= t# wit# #is you-message= includes an understanding of t#e otl .erson and even a .ositive reinforcement. ,o use 7ut don:t ovN value )-messages. 7egrees of assertiveness. Marlowe H. ,ma7y and Armas 3. "ai minen note t#at t#ere are various degrees of assertiveness and tl some are a..ro.riate for different kinds of situations or wit# diffi ent .artners. 0sing minimal assertiveness= you merely #old yc ground and refuse to let anot#er control you= as w#en someone tr to #orn in on a line a#ead of you and you merely .oint to t#e 7a of t#e line and indicate t#at #e #ad 7etter #ead for it. 0sing t#e ne9t level of 7eing assertive= you recogni8e anot#c side of t#e issue and feelings a7out itG 7ut wit#out vindictivene

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you solidly #old your ground. "#us= if a friend wants you to lie for #im= you say= <) can see #ow you feel a7out t#is and w#y you want me to do it and #ow disa..ointed you will feel if ) don:t. $ut ) also #ave strong feelings t#at ) don:t want to do t#is and will .ossi7ly get into some kind of trou7le. ,o ) wis# you wouldn:t ask me to do it. )n fact= ) feel somew#at uneasy a7out it now t#at you #ave asked.< 0sing a #ig#er-level= 7argaining assertiveness= you still firmly #old your ground 7ut also go out of your way to see t#e ot#er:s .oint of view and find some sort of com.romise solution. "#us= you may say to t#e friend w#o wants you to lie= <) can see #ow you feel a7out t#is and w#y you want me to do w#at you want and #ow disa..ointed you will feel if ) don:t. $ut ) also #ave strong feelings t#at ) don:t want to do t#is and will .ossi7ly get into some kind of trou7le= so you can see #ow ) feel a7out it and w#y ) won:t do it. ,till= ) t#ink ) can see anot#er way to #el. you. ) will stick .retty muc# to t#e trut# 7ut will really go out of my way to get t#at .erson to give you a ;o7 so t#at #e can see #ow ca.a7le you are. ) will recommend t#at #e give it to you even t#oug# you may lack t#e e9.erience #e desires.< )f you .ractice t#ese different levels of assertion and use t#em discriminatingly= you can act t#e way you want to act and still remain on good termsDeven very friendly termsDwit# ot#ers. )f you take t#ese assertive risks wit#in t#e conte9t of %ational &motive $e#avior "#era.y= you won:t feel terri7ly as#amed 7y t#em and you won:t down yourself for acting in a way t#at seems at times foolis#. Your goal in %&$" doesn:t consist of taking social risks or of 7ucking conventions sim.ly for t#e sake of doing so. %&$" stresses t#e gains you can make 7y t#e mere act of taking t#ese risks. )n taking t#em wit#out worrying too muc# w#at ot#er .eo.le mig#t t#ink of you= you assert yourself w#ile= at t#e same time= convincing yourself t#at not#ing horrible will #a..en. Also= you kee. learning t#at you can tolerate t#e disa..roval of ot#ers alt#oug# you may not .articularly like it. "#is ena7les you to feel t#at no .erson= including yourself= can legitimately .ut you down glo7ally or evaluate you as a rotten .erson w#en you .erform an un.o.ular act. ) don:t claim t#at you will automatically surrender all your angry

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feelings and actions and turn into an individual w#o feels #ealt#il dis.leased 7ut never un#ealt#ily enraged w#en un.leasant t#ing occur. For even if you act a..ro.riately assertive on .ractically a occasions= you may still remain an in;ustice collector w#o not onl finds t#ings wrong wit# ot#ers and wit# t#e world= 7ut also w#ine and screams w#en suc# unfair t#ings #a..en. ) do #old t#at one c t#e main instigators of your anger lies in your acting .assively an unassertively. $ut ) contend t#at if you .ractice acting more as sertivelyDw#ile reali8ing t#at you do not need t#e a..roval c ot#er .eo.le w#o may see you as too assertiveDyou will tend to feO less anger wit# less freCuency t#an you do .resently. %&$" stresses education and= conseCuently= em.loys all ty.es c .syc#oeducational met#ods= including reading materials= audio visual aids= c#arts and diagrams= slogans= and modeling. )f you saG me as a t#era.ist and .resented to me your .ro7lem of often angei ing yourself at .eo.le w#o treat you unfairly or inconsiderately= would try to act as a model of %&$":s antianger .#iloso.#y for yoi "#us= if you came late to t#era.y sessions= failed to listenDfo w#atever reasonsDto w#at ) ke.t saying to you= refused to do you #omework assignments= or ot#erwise s#owed resistance to c#ang ing= ) would attem.t to show you that $ definitely disli1ed your behavic but that $ did not angrily condemn you for displaying that behavior. Aot t#at ) would necessarily s#ow com.lete calm or indifferenc to suc# actions. ) most .ro7a7ly wouldn:tF ) take my work as a t#ei a.ist very seriously= and if you failed to listen= for instance= ) woul still em.#atically try to get you to see your selfdefeating .#iloso .#ies >your )$s? and would try to teac# you #ow to u.root t#em= would not angrily condemn you for your inattentiveness. ) would not want you to develo. an emotional de.endence on m and to c#ange yourself 7ecause K wanted you to do so. "#is 7ring to mind somet#ing ) discussed earlier in t#is 7ook. ) .ointed ov t#at w#en you o.enly critici8e ot#ers for t#eir <outrageous< 7e#av ior= you risk t#eir urge to defend t#at same 7e#avior. "#ey woul .ro7a7ly not feel t#e need to #old on to t#eir <outrageous< 7e#av ior if you allowed t#em to reac# critical conclusions a7out it o t#eir own. ,o wit# my getting you to c#ange aut#entically= ) woul

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attem.t to get you to do so for your own 7enefit and only incidentally for mine. "o do t#is= ) would act as a good model for you to follow! as someone w#o could s#ow you more a7out your irrational 7e#avior >anger? t#roug# modeling dis.leasure at your behavior 7ut not anger ntyou. Assuming= t#en= t#at it would 7e #el.ful to you for someone to serve as a rational model= t#e Cuestion remains! How could you get t#is kind of 7enefit for yourself wit#out actually seeing an %&$" t#era.ist? "#e answer! Find good models in your own life. 0nfortunately= most .eo.le w#om we encounter #ardly fall into t#is category. )n fact= t#ey tend to anger t#emselves ;ust as often a7out trivial unfairnesses or in;ustices as t#ey do im.ortant ones. &9ce.tions= #owever= do e9istDan unusual friend or teac#er= an occasional relative= an associateD.eo.le w#o feel determined to overcome life:s unniceties and w#o actively kee. working at doing so. "alk to t#ese .eo.le. "ry to learn from t#em #ow t#ey manage to kee. reasona7ly cool in t#e face of life:s annoyances. 7serve t#em in action. ,ee if you can model some of your own feelings and 7e#aviors after t#eirs. Find t#em in 7ooks and ot#er 7iogra.#ical materials= for literature is full of figures w#o often suffered great frustrations wit#out making t#emselves unduly angry or u.set. ,eek out t#ese rational models and learn a7out t#eir lives. t#er 7e#avioral met#ods of working against anger t#at %&$" finds effective follow! !posure to hostility )f you #ave t#e #el. of a t#era.ist or t#era.y grou. or if you know %&$" and attem.t to use it wit# yourself= e9.osure to #ostility= in t#e course of grou. t#era.y or in t#e course of your regular life= may #el. you. "#is does not mean t#at t#e #ostility itself c#anges you= for it freCuently serves as a 7ad model. $ut your .racticing coping wit# t#is #ostility= es.ecially under t#era.eutic su.ervi-

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sion= may #el. you #andle yourself more effectively as you 7egin to look closer at and understand t#e nature of your #ostility. As mentioned earlier= taking yourself out of a situation merely leaves t#e .ro7lem in a latent state= unsolved. Constructive activities As Andrew ,. 3ac#tel and Mart#a Penn 2avis and ot#er researc#ers #ave indicated= individuals tend to feel alienated= anonymous= and im.ersonal. )f suc# individuals can e9.erience devotion to some #ig#ly constructive grou. or cause= t#ey may divert t#emselves from= first= t#eir sense of alienation and anonymity= and t#en some of t#eir anger. arly conditioning Lictor H. 2enen7erg and M. H. Qarrow did a series of fascinating e9.eriments involving new7orn mice= raised in one grou. 7y rats= in anot#erDcontrolDgrou. 7y mice. "#ey found <t#e mice reared 7y rats were #eavier t#an t#e mouse-raised control miceG t#ey also were less active in t#e o.en field and .referred to s.end time near a rat instead of near a mouse. ur most dramatic finding was t#at t#e rat-reared mice would not fig#t w#en .laced in a standard fig#ting-7o9 situation ...< "#is contrasted wit# t#e occurrence of a great many fig#ts among control mice reared 7y mouse mot#ers= t#us s#owing t#at t#e <natural< tendency of mice to fig#t can 7e significantly altered w#en t#ey are <unnaturally< reared. t#er e9.erimenters #ave found t#at mice raised in close .ro9imity to dogs or cats will not later 7e attacked 7y t#ese natural <enemies=< w#ile mice raised wit#out t#is contact will suffer attack. 2enen7erg and Qarrow note t#at <we must t#erefore re;ect any #y.ot#esis t#at states t#at aggression is a genetically determined= instinctive res.onse t#at cannot 7e modified 7y e9.erience.... "#is is not to suggest t#at genetic factors are not im.ortant. )t is o7vious t#at t#ey are. 3#at we are saying is t#at both the genetic bac1ground

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and the environment in which those genes grow and develop must -be con sidered ;ointly if we are to advance our understanding of behavior - pat terns.< )f we a..ly t#is information to t#e #uman condition= .eo.le su7;ected to early conditioning designed to lessen t#eir anger may decrease some of t#eir 7iological tendencies to act angry and violent. Aaturally= you can now do little a7out your own c#ild#ood= 7ut you can give some t#oug#t= if you #ave c#ildren= to #el.ing condition t#em to act less #ostile. Diversionary measures As noted a7ove= constructive action may serve as a good diversion to #ostility= and so may less constructive 7e#aviors. Aorman Qin7erg= following t#e ideas of 3illiam Hames and ,igmund Freud= wonders w#et#er some kinds of com.etitive and semidestructive activities= suc# as organi8ed s.orts and .olitics= can successfully #el. to su7limate anger more t#an ot#er kinds of activities= suc# as .rivate enter.rise. Ao one as yet truly knows= 7ut t#e -E = position assumes that highly aggressive pursuits, such as dog-eat-dog industrial competition and priPefighting, help ma1e humans more rather than less hostile. %o7ert $arton and Paul $ell found t#at mild degrees of se9ual arousal served to in#i7it su7seCuent .#ysical aggression in e9.erimental su7;ects. "#e use of reci.rocal in#i7ition as a diversionary measure also tends to reduce feelings of anger. From t#e evidence availa7le=it would appear that all 1inds of en>oyable, constructive, and even neutral diversions can serve to interfere with and at least temporar ily to ease hostility. ConseCuently= if you want to control your own angry feelings= you can consider using suc# distractions to #el. train yourself so t#at ultimately you will .ermanently tend to feel less enraged w#en confronted wit# o7no9ious stimuli. As diversions= you can use t#oug#ts= fantasies= games= activities= emotional involvements= .leasures= or any num7er of ot#er activities. 2iscover w#at .articularly works for you in t#is regard.

%5 Coping procedures

AAB&%

ne of t#e main factors t#at seems to #el. almost all distur7ed emotional reactions consists of your engaging= and knowing full well t#at you engage= in effective co.ing .rocedures. %ic#ard Pisano and ,tuart P. "aylor= for e9am.le= found t#at forty individuals w#o #ad records as #ig# aggressors against ot#ers reduced t#eir aggressiveness not w#en t#ey received .unis#ment for aggressing or w#en given money for not aggressing= 7ut w#en allowed to give eCual .unis#ment to t#ose w#o attacked t#em. 3#en t#e aggressors reali8ed t#ey could co.e effectively and ca.a7ly wit# t#eir o..onents= t#ey felt more secure and less #ostile and .unitive. And a good many ot#er e9.eriments similarly s#ow t#at when people feel that they definitely can cope effectively with some uation, they handle it better and upset themselves less about ) would it. t#erefore recommend t#at you try to develo. a good set of co.ing measures t#at you can em.loy w#en faced wit# o7no9ious events and 7adly 7e#aving .eo.le. )f you know t#at you can deal adeCuately wit# someone w#o treats you unfairly= you will #ave less of a likeli#ood of angering yourself at t#e .erson. "#is does not constitute an ideal solutionDsince you may see t#at you do not co.e effectively wit# an aggressor. $ut it will #el. in many instances. Cognitive a"areness and desensiti#ation %ay Aovaco conducted an e9.eriment t#at involved s#owing .eo.le #ow to manage t#eir anger t#roug# rela9ation met#ods alone= t#roug# %&$" alone= and t#roug# rela9ation com7ined wit# %&$". He found t#at %&$" worked 7etter t#an rela9ation and t#at 7ot# met#ods com7ined worked 7etter still. 3e find t#e same t#ing in regular sessions of %ational &motive $e#avior "#era.y! )f we first s#ow clients #ow t#ey .#iloso.#ically create t#eir feelings of angerD 7y w#ining a7out in;ustices and frustrations and demanding t#at t#ese a7solutely must not e9istDwe t#en can 7est s#ow t#em #ow to rela9= #ow to instruct t#emselves in anger-co.ing met#ods= and #ow ot#erwise to live wit# and finally to remove t#eir rage.

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$y using %&$"= you can do t#e same t#ing for yourself. Acknowledge fully t#at you create your own feelings of ire and see #ow you do soD7y insisting and commanding t#at somet#ing e9ist w#en it doesn:t or t#at somet#ing must not e9ist w#en it indu7ita7ly does. As you understand t#is and work to modify your commands on ot#ers and on t#e universe= you will find yourself more a7le to em.loy t#e various 7e#avioral met#ods t#at ) #ave outlined in t#is c#a.ter. +et me em.#asi8e once again t#at alt#oug# %&$" #as a distinct t#eory of #uman nature= of emotional trauma= and of effective .syc#ot#era.y and alt#oug# it uses many eclectic tec#niCues= it is not an eclectic t#eory. )t covers= in some res.ects= .er#a.s t#irty or forty different met#ods= many of w#ic# vary greatly= 7ut it em.loys t#em in t#e framework of t#e general %&$" t#eory. )ts 7e#avioral met#ods= for e9am.le= do not consist merely of sym.tom removal. )f %&$" t#era.ists .ersuade you to .ractice several 7e#avioral tec#niCuesDsuc# as activity #omework assignments= o.erant conditioning= and assertion trainingDto #el. decrease your feelings of anger= t#ey will not do so merely to get you to sto. feeling angry rig#t now= w#ile you remain in t#era.y. "#ey will try to see t#at you leave t#era.y wit# a good understanding of #ow you incite yourself to anger and #ow you can sto. t#is in t#e future as well as in t#e .resentDto sto. it under very difficult conditions t#at mig#t later arise in your life. $y giving you t#eoretical understanding and .ractical tec#niCues t#at you can em.loy yourself= %&$" attem.ts to .rovide you wit# a treatment met#odology t#at will ena7le you not only to feel 7etter= 7ut to get 7etterDfor t#e rest of your life.

10

More %et#inking A7out Your Anger

%&$"= t#oug# strongly cognitive in its a..roac#= includes .owerful and integral emotive and 7e#avioral com.onents. ) #ave only t#us far .resented one 7asic cognitive .rocedure for reducing angry t#oug#ts and feelings. "#at is 2= or 2is.uting= in t#e A$C2& met#od of understanding and minimi8ing anger= and alt#oug# 2is.uting #as many com.le9ities and includes suc# t#ings as 2e7ating and 2iscriminating= it nevert#eless re.resents only one .#iloso.#ic or cognitive a..roac# to t#e .ro7lem. )f you really work at 2is.uting your )rrational $eliefs strongly= intensively= and .ersistently= you can also use several different met#ods to #el. e9amine and re;ect irrational t#inking. +et me outline some im.ortant and #el.ful variations. First of all= you can use t#e tec#niCue we call 2)$,D2is.uting )rrational $eliefsDw#ic# gives you a more systematic way of taking your a7solutistic ideas and <ri..ing t#em u.< many times until you no longer tend to su7scri7e to t#em. +ike several ot#er %&$" met#ods= you do 2)$, for a minimum of= say= ten minutes a day for a7out twenty or t#irty days in a row. ) #ave outlined t#e general 2)$, tec#niCue in t#e last c#a.ter of t#e revised edition of +ow to Qive Nith a :Oeurotic,: in # Auide to -ational Qiving, and in a se.a-

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rate .am.#let .u7lis#ed 7y t#e Al7ert &llis )nstitute. +et me .resent it #ere as well= to a..ly it s.ecifically to .ro7lems wit# your anger. +et us su..ose= once more= t#at ) #ave .romised to s#are an a.artment wit# you= #ave .ersuaded you to go to considera7le e9.ense to fi9 it u.= and t#en #ave unfairly and irres.onsi7ly 7acked out on our deal and refused eit#er to move in wit# you or to reim7urse you for your trou7le and e9.ense. You feel e9tremely angry at me= es.ecially w#en we meet or w#en someone mentions my name= and you soon seeDin t#e A$C model of %&$"Dt#at t#e .rimary )rrational $elief >)$? t#at makes you feel angry is <He should not #ave treated me t#at unfair wayF< You can now use 2)$,D2is.uting )rrational $eliefsDto Cuestion and c#allenge t#at t#oug#t. )n using 2)$,= you ask yourself t#e following Cuestions= and .refera7ly= write down eac# one and also write down your answers= so t#at you can review= add to= c#ange= and consolidate t#em. Euestion 1!Nhat $rrational elief do $ want to 7ispute and surrender< $llustrative answer" <He s#ould not #ave treated me t#at unfair wayF< Euestion*" Can $ rationally support this belief< $llustrative answer" <Ao= ) don:t t#ink t#at ) can.< Euestion (! Nhat is the evidence for the falseness of this belief< $llustrative answers" a. <Per#a.s #e didn:t even act t#at unfairly to me. "rue= ) see #is action as com.letely wrong and irres.onsi7le. $ut #e may #ave= and ot#ers may #ave= a different view of t#is matter. And t#eir view may #ave some validity. ,o ) don:t even know t#at ) #ave 166 .ercent certainty of #is wrongness and irres.onsi7ility.< 7. <Assuming t#at ) can .rove t#at #e did 7e#ave wrongly and unfairly to me= w#at law of t#e universe says t#at #e should not or must not 7e#ave t#at wayDt#at #e has to act fairly? AoneF Alt#oug# ) and ot#er .eo.le would find it rig#t and .ro.er for #im to act fairly to me= #e definitely doesn:t have to do so.<

'(*

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c. <)f #e should have or must have treated me fairly instead of i fairly= #e would #ave done so= for #ow could #e avoid doing w#at must do? "#e fact t#at #e didn 2t treat me fairly seems to s#ow tl no reason e9ists w#y #e must have done so.< d. <3#en ) tell myself= :He s#ould not #ave treated me ti wayF: ) really seem to mean t#at >a? t#e conditions t#at e9isted at i time #e treated me t#at way s#ould not #ave e9isted and >7? s#ould not #ave followed t#em if t#ey did e9ist. $ut of course= ) conditions of #is life= #is #istory= #is .ersonality= #is 7iologi makeu.= and so fort#= did e9ist at t#e time #e treated me unfaii And if t#ese conditions did e9ist= #ow could #e not #ave gone ale wit# t#em= as ) seem to demand? ,u..ose= let us say= #is mot? strongly o7;ected to t#e very t#ing t#at ) wanted #im to do and si .ose t#at #e= 7ecause of #is undue attac#ment to #er= went ale wit# #er o7;ections and decided to co. out of our arrangement. my statement :He s#ould not #ave treated me t#at unfair wayF: ) tually insist t#at #is mot#er must not #ave #er o7;ections and= t#at #e s#ould not go along wit# t#em. $ut #ow can ) ma1e #er g u. #er o7;ections or ma1e #im ignore t#em? Aaturally= ) can:tF< e. <$y demanding t#at #e not treat me unfairly= ) actually se to 7elieve t#e statement= :$ecause #e t#eoretically could #ave i acted in t#at unfair manner= #e t#erefore should not #ave acted t wayF: $ut t#is statement clearly re.resents a non seCuitur! )ts a elusion doesn:t logically follow from its .remise. Ao matter # true it may 7e t#at #e t#eoretically could #ave c#osen not to #G treated me unfairly= t#at never means t#at #e t#erefore must c#oi to act fairly.< f. <)n demanding t#at #e treat me fairly= ) really devoutly 7elii t#e .ro.osition= :$ecause ) strongly want #im to act t#at way= #e 1 to give me w#at ) wantF: $ut #ow accurate is t#at .ro.ositk Clearly inaccurateF< g. <) also seem to 7elieve t#e idea t#at :$ecause ) #ave trea #im Cuite fairly t#roug#out our dealings= #e should and must tr me wit# eCual fairnessF: Anot#er nutty ideaF< #. <) see #im as a com.lete louse for treating me lousily. $ut eJ

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R can .rove to virtually everyone:s satisfaction t#at #e did treat me Rfairly and s#a77ily= ) carelessly overgenerali8e w#en ) la7el him, s entire person, as a louse for treating me in t#is vile manner. He nost certainly #as some good traits and .erformances= too. How= erefore= can ) legitimately define him as a worm?< i. <3#en ) say= :He s#ould not #ave treated me t#at unfair wayF: Ieally mean= 7y using t#is should, an a7solutistic must. ) don:t say= Re preferably s#ould treat me fairly=: or :He most probably would get tter results for #imself and society if #e treated me and ot#ers rly.: ) dogmati8e and a7soluti8e t#at :He must treat me fairlyF: $ut far as ) know= ) can .rove no a7solutes= and .ositing t#em and ding com.letely convinced of t#eir trut# is futile.< ;. <3#ile ) cannot .rove t#e trut# of my 7elief :He should not ve treated me unfairly=: ) can s#ow t#at if ) continue to su7scri7e t#is 7elief= ) will in all .ro7a7ility feel very angry at #im and uld continue to feel angry for mont#s or years to come= t#us in-rfering wit# my c#ances of dealing wit# #im effectively. Alt#oug# y angercreating statements seem un.rova7le= t#e .oor results of 6 devoutly 7elieving t#em a..ear eminently .rova7leF "#erefore= lad 7etter give t#em u.F< k. <$y demanding t#at #e must treat me fairly= ) im.ly t#at ) can2t 2.nd #is unfair treatment of me and t#at ) can only survive and lead la..y e9istence if some force in t#e universe makes #im rectify #is roneous ways and 7egin to treat me fairly. 7viously= my ideas in is res.ect are #okum. For alt#oug# ):ll never li1e t#e unfair treatsnt= ) can certainly stand it and= if ) sto. foolis#ly making myself raged at #im= ) can also arrange to #ave a long and reasona7ly ..y life in s.ite of #is unfairness.< Euestion *! $s my belief about him accurateDthat he should not have Dated me unfairly and that he is a louse for doing what he should not ve done< $llustrative answer" <Ao= it is not accurate. ) can .ro7a7ly o7tain i.irical data s#owing #e treated me unfairly= and most .ro7a7ly t a consensus from many ot#er .eo.le t#at #e did. ) could t#ere-

'(4

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fore accurately contend t#at #is behavior seems lousy. $ut ) don:t seem to #ave any evidence w#atever t#at he is a louse for acting t#at way. At most= my 7elief a7out #im is only .artially accurate= and significant as.ects of it a..ear #ig#ly e9aggerated and Cuite false.<
Euestion /! Nhat worst things could actually happen to me if he continued to treat me unfairly< $llustrative answers" a. <) would not get reim7ursed for t#e time= trou7le= and money ) #ave s.ent in fi9ing u. t#e a.artment #e agreed to s#are wit# me and would t#erefore continue to suffer real inconvenience as a re sult of #is wit#drawing from t#e agreement.< 7. <He mig#t .ossi7ly give .eo.le a false im.ression of our dif ferences= t#us convincing t#em t#at #e acted correctly and t#at ) acted wrongly. "#is would 7lacken my name and re.utation.< c. <As a result of #is disliking me and .er#a.s inducing ot#ers to dislike me= too= ) would suffer more inconveniences.< d. <+iving in my new a.artment 7y myself or #aving to s#are it wit# someone else= as a result of #is reneging on #is agreement to s#are it wit# me= mig#t well .rove #ig#ly annoying.< e. <) mig#t continue to #ave #assles wit# #im= .articularly if we remain in contact. &ven if we some#ow resolve our differences= we 7ot# will tend to #ave a 7ad taste in our mout#s and will lose out on our .revious feeling of trust and friends#i..< Euestion '! Nhat good things could happen or could $ ma1e happen if he continues to treat me unfairly or refuses to change his ways< $llustrative answers" a. <) could gain in assertiveness 7y confronting #im wit# #is un fairness and 7y trying to get #im= even t#oug# unsuccessfully= to c#ange #is attitude and 7e#avior toward me.< 7. <) mig#t well en;oy living 7y myself or finding anot#er .erson to s#are my new a.artment.< c. <"#e time and energy t#at ) now e9.end in maintaining a friends#i. wit# #im ) mig#t well .ut toward doing friendly t#ings wit# ot#ers or to en;oying myself in ot#er ways.<

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d. <) could .ractice my discussing and arguing skills t#roug# my attem.t to get #im to see t#ings differently and to redress #is unfair actions toward me.< e. <) could use t#is unfair situation wit# #im as a c#allenge to work on my own attitudes= to acknowledge fully t#at ) create my own feelings of anger w#en ot#ers mistreat me= to c#ange my own anger-creating .#iloso.#y of life= and to .re.are myself for more constructive action and less destructive rage and tem.er tantrums in t#e future w#en ot#er .eo.le treat me unfairly.< "#e 2)$, tec#niCue sim.ly formali8es some of t#e more im.ortant as.ects of dis.uting )rrational $eliefs w#en o7no9ious and unwanted conditions occur. )t consists of a systematic a..roac# to 2= 2is.uting= t#roug# a .articular set of Cuestions t#at you kee. using w#enever you feel emotionally u.set at C. You can a..ly 2)$,= of course= to feelings of an9iety= de.ression= des.air= self-.ity= and low frustration tolerance. As you may #ave already noted= t#is tec#niCue encourages a concerted= met#odical a..roac#= aims at your using it regularly= and asks t#at you do it in writing or wit# t#e use of a ta.e recorder= so t#at you can kee. reviewing your .revious 2is.uting and solidify it. Anot#er cognitive met#od of u.rooting )rrational $eliefs >)$s? consists of a tec#niCue invented 7y Hose.# 2anys# >and outlined in #is 7ook &top Nithout Suitting). )t uses t#e .rinci.les of general semanticsDt#e science of language discriminationDoriginated 7y Alfred @or8y7ski. @or8y7ski noted t#at virtually all #umans naturally and easily overgenerali8e and make continual use of meaningless #ig#er-order a7stractions in t#eir words and meanings. He .ointed out t#at .eo.le conseCuently tend to defeat t#emselves and 7e#ave self-defeatingly and render t#emselves <unsane.< ,everal of @or8y7ski:s followers= suc# as 3endell Ho#nson= #ave a..lied #is tec#niCues to t#e field of emotional distur7ance= and muc# of t#eir t#inking #as 7een incor.orated into %ational &motive $e#avior "#era.yDw#ic# some aut#orities descri7e as one of t#e leading semantic t#era.ies. As stated= Hose.# 2anys#:s t#eory em7odies t#ese .rinci.les of

'(3

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semantic overgenerali8ation= and .art of #is tec#niCue .rovideG wit# a .ractical= cognitive tool for 7ringing to our attention somi our most foolis# ideas and gives us a #ard#eaded met#od of c#a ing t#em. As a..lied to t#e .ro7lem of anger= you can use #is -eferent Cost- enefit #nalysis tec#niCue as follows! ,u..ose you feel e9ce.ti ally angry w#enever you see or #ear reference made to someone S #as <made you< angry in t#e .ast= and su..ose you now want to duce your irate feelings toward t#at .erson. "elling yourself= <2N feel angry. 2on:t feel angry=< won:t really work. )f anyt#ing= you r only succeed in su..ressing your anger. You will not undo it. Your emotional .ro7lem #ere .ro7a7ly consists of your refen ingDt#at is= confusing your ideas a7out t#e .erson:s behavior v your ideas a7out t#e person himselfTin a slo..y= 7igoted= and oS generali8ed manner. "#us= if someone asks you to give t#e assoN tions t#at immediately .o. into your #ead w#en you t#ink of .erson:s 7e#avior= or of t#e .erson s.ecifically= you would .ro7a say somet#ing like= <His 7e#avior is no good= rotten= unfair= G #orri7le. He is a no-good individual= a rotten .erson w#o is a#v unfair. ) .articularly cannot tolerate #imF< "#is ty.e of e9clusive= one-sided= and overgenerali8ed confus of a .erson:s 7e#avior wit# t#e .erson #imself will often make G feel e9ce.tionally #ostile. As long as you insist on making t#is o nection= you will find it almost im.ossi7le to forgo your feeling! anger and view #is 7e#avior in a more accurate lig#t. 2anys#:s tec#niCue of referenting forces you to go 7eyond y .re;udiced one-sidedness regarding .eo.le:s 7e#avior and to 7r to your mind many more accurate terms to descri7e t#em and tl actions. %eferenting consists of taking a relatively vague word= si as behavior, and forcing yourself to list t#e muc# more s.ecific i erents= or concrete descri.tions= t#at com.rise it. 2anys#:s metl .articularly encourages you to 7ring to your own attention mani t#e diverse meanings of a term= instead of a few limited >and .re diced? meanings. For e9am.le= w#ile t#inking s.ecifically of someone:sDsaT

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woman:sD7e#avior= write down a list of negative and .e;orative terms to descri7e t#at 7e#aviorDsuc# as <rotten= no good= unfair= #orri7le= awful= evil= and lousy.< "#en= on t#e same s#eet of .a.er= go out of your way to t#ink of and write down any terms you mig#t t#ink of to descri7e t#e .ositive or good as.ects of #er 7e#aviorDsuc# as <fair most of t#e time if not t#is time= .ro7a7ly fair from #er own .oint of view if not mine= acts in #er own self-interest as ) do= fort#rig#t= determined= assertive= sometimes very nice and considerate of ot#er .eo.le= and concerned wit# ot#er .eo.le in general.< Finally= write down some of t#e as.ects of #er 7e#avior t#at are neutralD many of t#e t#ings s#e does or says t#at mig#t not 7e construed as <good< or <7ad< 7ut ;ust as descri.tions of #er .erformancesDsuc# as <interested in many as.ects of life= #ig#ly a7sor7ed in music= not devoted to s.orts= and makes many .u7lic .resentations.< $y referenting= as accurately and com.letely as you can= all t#ese different as.ects of your conce.t of t#is woman:s 7e#avior= for instance= you force yourself to kee. in mind a more #olistic= more accurate= and less one-sided view of #er. "#us= your #ig#ly .re;udiced views a7out #er 7e#aviorD<rotten= no good= unfair= #orri7le<Dwill tend to diminis#. You will 7egin to see #er 7e#avior more accurately and not as you mig#t tend to fictionali8e and distort it in your own mind 7ecause of a particular instance. )n doing t#is you also do a cost-7enefit analysisDsee t#e advantages and t#e disadvantages of your dealing wit# t#is woman. ,imilarly= you could take #er nameDw#ic# you at first only referented negativelyDand force yourself to referent it on a .iece of .a.er or ta.e recording in more favora7le terms= suc# as <a .erson w#o acts 7ot# rotten and goodG an individual w#o #as 7ad .oints and good .ointsG a woman w#o sometimes acts unfairly 7ut muc# of t#e time 7e#aves Cuite fairly.< You could also force yourself to referent t#at .erson in a more o7;ective= neutral= merely descri.tive way= suc# as <a woman w#o stands five feet five inc#es tall= w#o does a wide variety of t#ings= w#o associates wit# a good many .eo.le= w#o #as dia7etes= w#o #as written a good many 7ooks.< )f you force yourself to use t#is referenting tec#niCue= es.ecially

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w#en you feel very angry toward someone= you will almost inva a7ly find t#at you can <deem.#asi8e< t#e 7ad traits and t#us start acCuire a more enlig#tened= accurate= and realistic view of t#at .i son. %eferenting won:t make you automatically forgiving and um gry wit# all .eo.le w#om you encounter and all t#e nasty actic t#ey .erform against you. $ut it freCuently will #el.. 3#en you ; into t#e #a7it of doing it= you will tend to find after a w#ile t#at y sto. making yourself as often or as intensely angry at .eo.le. Anot#er good met#od t#at you can use 7ot# cognitively and 1 #aviorally consists of w#at Liktor FrankF calls .arado9ical intentiN Larious ot#er t#era.ists use it in different ways and often call it c ferent names. )n %&$" we sometimes refer to it as reducing ir tional 7eliefs to a7surdity. 0sing .arado9ical intention= you can te any idea and reduce it to a7surdityD7y e9aggerating in your mi t#e wildest im.lications of t#e original idea. For instance= if y want a man to do somet#ing for you and you make yourself an; 7ecause #e refuses to coo.erate wit# you= e9aggerate your wis# .ower and control over #im! < f course #e #as to do w#at ) want #im to doF ) #ave a7soli control over #is 7e#avior. )f #e tells me t#at #e will ;um. t#rou #oo.s to .lease me and t#en refuses to go t#roug# wit# t#is ;un ing= ) can easily .ut #im in c#ains and w#i. #im until #e ;um.s a ;um.s and ;um.sF )n fact= if ) want #im to give me a million doll or to grovel in t#e dust 7efore me ten times a day= #e #as no c#o 7ut to do my 7iddingF $ecause ) desire #im to do anyt#ing w# ever= #e com.letely #as to do itF And if #e refuses= ) can immediat send down t#under7olts and anni#ilate #im.< )f you take t#e idea of #aving control over a .erson to a ridic lous e9treme suc# as t#is= you will soon see t#at you really #ave v tually little control over #im and t#at #e #as a rig#t to do w#ateJ #e wis#es even w#en #e unfairly inconveniences you 7y e9ercisi t#is rig#t. You will see t#at #uman nature does not e9ist in t#e mi ner t#at you command it to e9istG t#us= you will start interru.ti your own foolis# demandingness. Hust as you can use .arado9ical intention cognitivly >in your mil

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as descri7ed a7ove= you can also .ractice it 7e#aviorally t#roug# o..ositional 7e#avior. )f .eo.le treat you unfairly and you feel e9ce.tionally angry 7ecause of t#is treatment= instead of starting to .lan to .unis# t#em in various ways for t#eir iniCuity= you can deli7erately force yourself to take t#e o..osite track and to act very nicely and Mw#ostilely to t#em. You can= for e9am.le= kee. 7efriending t#em in various ways! )nvite t#em to interesting functions t#at you t#ink t#ey will en;oyG do t#em s.ecial favorsG s#ow unusual consideration and kindness toward t#em. $y suc# .arado9ical 7e#avior= you will first of all .ractice feeling unangry instead of angry at t#emD and you may actually make yourself feel nice or at least neutral a7out t#eir <a7omina7le< 7e#avior. ,econd= you will= 7y turning t#e ot#er c#eek in t#is manner= set t#em a good e9am.le and s#ow t#em t#at t#eir unfair treatment doesn:t necessarily #ave to .roduce rage in you. "#ird= you may encourage t#em to look again at t#eir 7e#avior and to see #ow 7adly t#ey treated you. Finally= you may #el. t#em act very nicely toward you and even make re.arations for t#e wrongs t#ey #ave already done you. ) do not contend= in t#is res.ect= t#at t#is kind of turning-t#eot#er-c#eek .#iloso.#y will always work or t#at it is wise for you to kee. using it. $ut ) do say t#at if you use it ;udiciously and reali8e t#at you do it for .arado9ical reasons >and not routinely= in every instance w#ere someone treats you unfairly?= you may gain considera7ly and #el. reduce your feelings of rage. Parado9ical intention also works against #uman stu77ornness. )f .eo.le treat you unfairly and you recogni8e t#at t#ey #ave a .ro7lem doing so= you may perversely continue to feel and act angrily toward t#em in order to maintain your false integrityDto make yourself feel <stronger< w#en= in actuality= you kee. acting weakly. "#is .#enomenon occurs commonly 7etween you and your .arents= for instance= during your c#ild#ood. "#ey advise you= mainly for your own good= to get u. .rom.tly w#en t#e alarm clock rings in t#e morning and to get yourself off in time for sc#ool. You don:t like to get u. t#at early= and you la8ily >wit# your low frustration toleranceF? resist. $ut you also see t#at 7y resisting= you kee. get-

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ting into trou7le wit# t#e sc#ool aut#orities and sa7otaging sorr your own goalsDfor e9am.le= to get good marks in #ig# sc#ool t#erefore to 7e admitted to a good college of your own c#oice. Perversely= you tell yourself somet#ing like! <) won:t get u. e to .lease my .arentsF 2amned if ) willF "#at would .rove me a n w#o only goes along for t#eir ride. ):ll s#ow t#emF ):ll deli7en stay in 7ed late= indicate my strengt#= and follow my own integr )f you act t#at way as a c#ildDor= for t#at matter= as an adultD merely fool yourself. $ecause your .arents advise you to ge early= you foolis#lyDand .erverselyDconvince yourself t#at if do so= you will follow t#eir rules and do it for them. You cons t#at a kind of weakness= w#en actually it would 7e a strengt#= <strongly< resist t#em and actually act weakly w#en you do. ,imilarly= often= wit# anger. ften you feel furious and see G fury as self-defeating and .er#a.s as encouraging ot#ers to i you even more unfairly. Yet instead of trying to c#ange your r tur7atory .#iloso.#y a7out .eo.le:s 7e#avior= you cling to t#at loso.#y and convince yourself t#at you rationally feel enraged t#at you:d better s#ow offenders t#eir faults. $y convincing you t#at to do ot#erwise would make you weak and cause you to your own integrity= you c#oose to .ersist wit# your rage. Acti to give u. your anger w#ile kee.ing a strong dislike a7out ui acts would make you stronger and .ro7a7ly get 7etter results. $ you see it differently= and .er#a.s deli7erately make yourself i more enraged and go after t#e .erson w#o #as wronged you= will continue to feel angry. 3#en you interru.t your .erversity wit# .arado9ical inter and deli7erately make yourself t#ink nicely a7out and act kindlG ward ot#ers in s.ite of t#eir unfairness= you .arado9ically fig#t own irrationality. )n terms of w#at you really want for yourseli for your relations#i.s wit# ot#ers= you can get 7etter results 7y ing good instead of 7ad to t#em. %ac#el ". Hare outlines anot#er form of .arado9ical inter t#at ) #ave used to #el. my clients cut down t#eir angry feelings actions. Bive yourself limiting conditions under w#ic# you a

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)f to #ave tem.er tantrums. ne of my clients felt e9ce.tion-ite and com7ative every time #e imagined t#at someone on Ieet s.it in #is direction and <saw< some s.it on #is s#oes. ) ded #im to contract wit# #imself t#at #e would only let #im-el angry w#en #e could .rove= wit# clear-cut evidence= t#at ne #ad actually s.it on #im. ,ince #e could rarely .rove t#is= i of anger su7sided greatly. use t#e same .arado9ical or limiting tec#niCue on yourself= set of conditions w#ere you feel you #ave 7een treated unmd w#ere you freCuently feel rage. 2eli7erately limit or #em G set of conditions. Contract to allow yourself to feel and act 2f, for e9am.le= only w#en >1? everyone agrees t#at .eo.le ruly treated you unfairly= >2? everyone also agrees t#at t#e un-Gs #as caused you a considera7le amount of #arm= and >(? you ove t#at you #ave 7een severely #urt 7y unfair treatment= ou allow yourself= in t#is .arado9ical manner= <freely< to feel age w#ile deli7erately restricting yourself= you may soon see (u can live wit# your own restrictions= t#at you do create:your yourself= and t#at you #ave t#e .ower to limit and control it. sarado9ical tec#niCues work 7ecause t#ey get you away from ng= des.erately= <) must feel angry< or <) must not feel angry.< give you a wider range of .ossi7le reactions and #el. you con-yrourself t#at you can function wit# t#is wider range= icr kinds of #umor also dramatically interru.t your overly se-manner of looking at un.leasant events= t#ere7y needlessly .g yourself angry. ConseCuently= %&$" t#era.ists freCuently imor to #el. t#eir clients .oke fun at t#eir own solemnity and to acce.t Adversities 7etter. ) gave a famous .a.er= <Fun as ot#era.y=< at an annual convention of t#e American Psyc#o-1 Association in 3as#ington= 2.C.= and made a great #it in G it= since ) sang Dyes= sangDtwo of my rational #umorous in t#e course of my .resentation. ointed out in t#is .a.er t#at <if #uman distur7ance largely its of overseriousness and if= as in %ational &motive $e#avior i.y= t#era.ists #ad 7etter make a #ard#eaded attack on some

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yourself to #ave tem.er tantrums. ne of my clients felt e9ce.tionally irate and com7ative every time #e imagined t#at someone on t#e street s.it in #is direction and <saw< some s.it on #is s#oes. ) .ersuaded #im to contract wit# #imself t#at #e would only let #imself feel angry w#en #e could .rove= wit# clear-cut evidence= t#at someone #ad actually s.it on #im. ,ince #e could rarely .rove t#is= #is fits of anger su7sided greatly. "o use t#e same .arado9ical or limiting tec#niCue on yourself= .ick a set of conditions w#ere you feel you #ave 7een treated unfairly and w#ere you freCuently feel rage. 2eli7erately limit or #em in t#is set of conditions. Contract to allow yourself to feel and act angrily= for e9am.le= only w#en >1? everyone agrees t#at .eo.le #ave truly treated you unfairly= >2? everyone also agrees t#at t#e unfairness #as caused you a considera7le amount of #arm= and >(? you can .rove t#at you #ave 7een severely #urt 7y unfair treatment. )f you allow yourself= in t#is .arado9ical manner= <freely< to feel your rage w#ile deli7erately restricting yourself= you may soon see t#at you can live wit# your own restrictions= t#at you do createfyour anger yourself= and t#at you #ave t#e .ower to limit and control it. ,uc# .arado9ical tec#niCues work 7ecause t#ey get you away from t#inking= des.erately= <) must feel angry< or <) must not feel angry.< "#ey give you a wider range of .ossi7le reactions and #el. you convince yourself t#at you can function wit# t#is wider range. t#er kinds of #umor also dramatically interru.t your overly serious manner of looking at un.leasant events= t#ere7y needlessly making yourself angry. ConseCuently= %&$" t#era.ists freCuently use #umor to #el. t#eir clients .oke fun at t#eir own solemnity and learn to acce.t Adversities 7etter. ) gave a famous .a.er= <Fun as Psyc#ot#era.y=< at an annual convention of t#e American Psyc#ological Association in 3as#ington= 2.C.= and made a great #it in giving it= since ) sangDyes= sangDtwo of my rational #umorous songs in t#e course of my .resentation. ) .ointed out in t#is .a.er t#at <if #uman distur7ance largely consists of overseriousness and if= as in %ational &motive $e#avior "#era.y= t#era.ists #ad 7etter make a #ard#eaded attack on some

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of t#eir clients: fatuous t#inking= w#at 7etter ve#icle for doing t#is u.rooting t#an #umor and fun? .. . +et me 7riefly mention #ere t#at my t#era.eutic 7rand of #umor consists of .ractically every kind of drollery ever inventedDsuc# as taking t#ings to e9treme= reducing ideas to a7surdity= .arado9ical intention= .uns= witticisms= irony= w#imsy= evocative language= slang= deli7erate use of s.rig#tly o7scenity= and various ot#er kinds of ;ocularity.< Following t#is %&$" lead= you can freCuently laug# at yourself w#en you see yourself getting angry= look for your grossly e9aggerating w#at ot#ers must do to satisfy you and #ow t#ings should go rig#t to make your life easier= and t#ere7y cognitively and emotively attack suc# silly notions. 3#en you demand good 7e#avior in ot#ers= you can remind yourself= < #= yes= ) always act .erfectly well myself. ) never treat ot#ers unfairly or go 7ack on my .romises to t#em. 3ell= #ardly everF< 3#en you t#ink t#at you a7solutely need ot#ers: a..roval and t#at t#ey amount to com.lete rats for not giving it to you= remind yourself w#at a love slo7= a Mr. or Ms. He#ova#= you #ave made yourself into. 3#en you inwardly or outwardly w#ine and scream 7ecause .oor economic= artistic= or social conditions e9ist for you= tell yourself somet#ing like! < #= yes= ) run t#e universe= and w#atever ) want #as to= in fact immediately #as to= come a7out. &veryone #as to live wit# frustration and annoyance= 7ut not me9: Call to your mind= also= w#at ) often tell my %&$" clients! <+ife= w#et#er ) like it or not= generally gets s.elled H-A-,-,-+-&. "oug# taffyF< 3#en you command t#at you must #ave certainty and t#at you can:t stand it w#en you don:t #ave guarantees of success= love= fairness= and ease= s#ow yourself! <) t#ink ):ll engrave a 7eautiful certificate t#at a7solutely= wit# no s#adow of a dou7t= guarantees t#at ) will always get e9actly w#at ) want at t#e very second t#at ) want it. "#en ):ll get along wonderfully well and won:t #ave to feel angry a7out anyt#ingF< @ee. using #umor= directed against your nutty ideas 7ut not= of course= against yourself as a .erson. )f you want to sing to yourself >or ot#ers? some of my #umorous songs= you can use t#ese from t#e song7ookK* Aarland of -ational &ongs and from ot#er %&$" sources.

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3H)A&= 3H)A&= 3H)A&F .=o the tune of the 6ale :Nhiffenpoof &ong,< Composed by a +arvard Can in '5%39 ? ) cannot #ave all of my wis#es filledD 3#ine; w#ine= w#ineF ) cannot #ave every frustration stilledD 3#ine= w#ine= w#ineF +ife really owes me t#e t#ings t#at ) miss= Fate #as to grant me eternal 7lissF And since ) must settle for less t#an t#isD 3#ine= w#ine= w#ineF P&%F&C" %A") AA+)"Y .=o the tune ofQuigi 7enPa2s :8uniculi, 8unicula:) ,ome t#ink t#e world must #ave a rig#t directionD And so do )= and so do )F ,ome t#ink t#at= wit# t#e slig#test im.erfection= "#ey can:t get 7yDand so do )F For )= ) #ave to .rove ):m su.er#uman= And 7etter far t#an .eo.le areFD "o s#ow ) #ave miraculous acumenD And always rate among t#e BreatFD Perfect= .erfect rationality )s= of course= t#e only t#ing for meF How can ) ever t#ink of 7eing )f ) must live falli7ly? %ationality must 7e a .erfect t#ing for meF ) 3),H ) 3&%& A " C%AQY .=o the tune of 7an Emmet2s :7ixie:) #= ) wis# ) were really .ut toget#erD ,moot# and fine as .atent leat#erF
%ational #umorous song lyrics written 7y Al7ert &llis and co.yrig#t U Al7ert &llis )nstitute.

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#= #ow great to 7e mated "o t#is lovely stateF $ut ):m afraid t#at ) was fated "o 7e rat#er a7erratedD #= #ow sad to 7e mad As my Mom and my 2adF #= ) wis# ) were not cra8yF Hooray= #oorayF ) wis# my mind were less inclined "o 7e t#e kind t#at:s #a8yF ) could= you see= decide to 7e less cra8yG $ut )= alas= am ;ust too 7lasted la8yF + L& M&= + L& M&= A+Y M&F .=o the tune of :6an1ee 7oodle:) Hust love me= love me= only me= r ) will die wit#out youF #= make your love a guarantee= ,o ) can never dou7t youF +ove me= love me totally %eally= really try= dearG $ut if you demand love= too= ):ll #ate you till ) die= dearF +ove me= love me all t#e time= "#oroug#ly and w#ollyG +iving turns to slus# and slime= 0nless you love me solely. +ove me wit# great tenderness= 3it# no ifs and 7uts= dearG )f you love me somew#at less= ):ll #ate your goddamned guts= dearF

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Anot#er of my rational #umorous songs t#at you can use to interru.t and c#ange your angry feelings is t#e ne9t one!

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P O U N D ,P O U N D ,P O U N D !
>"o the tune of H. Pier.ont:s <Hingle $ells<? You will get release and let your anger out )f you 7last t#e .eace= scream and yell and s#out. Bo to any lengt#= s#ow you can:t 7e stilled= And you will #ave enormous strengt#D until t#e time you:re killedF Pound= .ound= .oundF Pound= .ound= .oundF Pound your enemiesF #= w#at fun it is to stun Anyone w#o does not .leaseF ,ock= sock= sockF @nock= knock= knockF Howl and w#ine and cryF &veryone from you will run And will #ate you till you dieF Pout= .out= .outF ,#out= s#out= s#outF Make t#e 7iggest messF %i.= ri.= ri.F ,li.= sli.= sli. )nto ra7id cra8inessF "#ink= t#ink= t#inkF 2rink= drink= drink nly of cruel fateF $eat your 7reast and 7e o7sessed 3it# ;ust everyone you #ateF ,ince ) #ave done marriage and family counseling for more t#an t#irty years= .eo.le freCuently ask me #ow t#ey can c#eck or control t#eir anger at t#eir s.ouses or at ot#ers wit# w#om t#ey #ave a close relations#i.. 3ell t#ey mig#tF As anot#er well-known marriage counselor= 2r. 2avid Mace= .ointed out in an article in t#e Uournal of Carriage and 8amily Counseling, overt or covert feelings of anger .ro7a7ly interfere wit# love and disru.t more intimate relations#i.s t#an do any ot#er causes. 2r. Mace rig#tly takes to task t#e <marital fig#ting< conce.ts of Beorge $ac# and #is followers and .oints out t#at if you tend to argue and fig#t wit# your mate= you can use t#e %&$" a..roac# of dissolving your anger= rat#er t#an .alliatively e9.ressing it or diverting it.

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More concretely= #e outlines t#ree main met#ods of doing t#is! 1.Acknowledge your anger. "ell your .artner= <) feel angry at you=< ;ust as you would say= <) feel tired=< or <) feel frig#t ened.< 2.%enounce your anger as un#ealt#y. &ven t#oug# your mate #as treated you 7adly or unfairly= face t#e fact t#at you create your own anger= t#at you need not do so= and t#at you usually #arm your relations#i. 7y feeling it and 7y e9.ressing it against your .artner. (.Ask your .artner for #el.. ,#ow #er t#at you #ave a .ro7lem in dealing wit# your anger= and see if s#e can suggest some .lans to #el. rid you of it and to make your relations#i. 7etter. 2avid Mace #as some wise suggestions= and ) #ig#ly endorse t#em. )n a follow-u. article= also .u7lis#ed in t#e Uournal of Carriage and 8amily Counseling, ) add t#ese additional %&$" met#ods to #el. you deal wit# your anger at anyone wit# w#om you #ave a close relations#i.! *.Acknowledge your anger to yourself. 2on:t merely inform your mate a7out your angry feelings= 7ut frankly tell yourself= <+ook! +et me face it. ) really feel angry at my .artner. Aot merely dis .leasedG not merely annoyed at #is behavior. ) feel angry at my mate as a .erson. ) am condemning him.: 0nless you do somet#ing like t#is= you will not tend to feel in touc# wit# your anger and will merely give it li. service. nce you acknowledge your rage to your self and work at defusing it= you may t#en c#oose >or not c#oose? to e9.ress it to your mateDde.ending on #is vulnera7ility. /.Assume full res.onsi7ility for your anger. 2o not #esitate to admit t#at you created it= t#at you angered yourself. ,ay to yourself somet#ing like! <Yes= my mate may #ave acted 7ad and treated me unfairly= 7ut s#e only frustrated me= gave me w#at ) didn:t want. ) made myself feel #ealt#ily annoyed and irritated a7out #er 7ad 7e #avior= 7ecause ) #onestly want #er to act differently and feel sorry w#en s#e doesn:t. $ut ) also un#ealt#ily made myself angry 7y com

manding t#at s#e must not act t#at wayG has to do w#at ) wantG makes my w#ole life terri7le and awful w#en #e or s#e doesn:tG and conse-

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Cuently is a t#oroug#ly rotten person. $ c#ose to t#ink t#is way and t#ere7y anger myself against my .artner. And ) can= if ) want to do so= always c#oose to t#ink differently and c#ange my feelings of anger into #ealt#ier feelings of disa..ointment= sorrow= and annoyance.< )f you fully= in t#is manner= acknowledge your own res.onsi7ility for making yourself angry= you will 7y t#at very admission tend to reduce muc# of your angry feeling. '. Acce.t yourself wit# your anger. As soon as you damn yourself for #aving neurotic sym.tomsDanger= .anic= de.ression= or feel ings of wort#lessnessDyou tend to add to t#ese sym.toms. For if you see yourself as a worm for feeling= let us say= enraged at your mate= #ow can you .icture a total worm like you acting unwormily in t#e future? 3#ile you are 7erating yourself for stu.idly making yourself angry= #ow can you understand e9actly w#at you told your self to create your anger and to work at c#anging it? Acce.t yourself= t#en= with your anger. "#is does not mean= as some .syc#ological writings im.ly= t#at you #ad 7etter view angry feelings as <good=< <#ealt#y=< or <constructive.< You can see t#em as <normal< in t#e sense of 7eing .art of t#e #uman conditionDas an as.ect of your #uman falli7ilityDand also= as 2avid Mace .oints out= as a .art t#at tends to #arm your intimate relations#i.s. 1.,to. making yourself an9ious= de.ressed= and self-downing. As you learn to acce.t yourself= no matter #ow angry you feel or #ow foolis#ly you can act w#en angry= you can also learn to acce.t yourself wit# any of your ot#er <wrong< or <7ad< 7e#avior= and if you do t#is= you will give u. most of your vulnera7ilityDt#e feel ings of #urt and self-.ity t#at often #el. you feel very angry. 4.+ook for t#e .#iloso.#ic source of your anger. After fully ac knowledging your feelings of anger= refusing to down yourself for #aving t#ese feelings= and eliminating some of t#e self-de.recating elements in your creating t#ese feelings= you can look for t#e .#ilo so.#ic sources of your anger. Assume >as s#own t#roug#out t#is 7ook? t#at ;ust a7out every time you feel enraged in your gut= you #ave a .rofound .#iloso.#ic assum.tion 7e#ind t#is feeling and t#at t#is assum.tion includes some should, ought, or must. ConseCuently= chercheP le s#ould= chercheP le mustF +ook for t#e should, look for t#e

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must9 )n anger at your mate= you freCuently #old t#e must of resentmentD<You must treat me kindly= considerately= lovingly= and a..rovinglyF<Dand t#e must of low frustration tolerance D<"#e conditions under w#ic# ) live must turn out nicely and nonfrustrat-ingly so t#at ) easily get .ractically everyt#ing ) want wit#out too muc# effort.< More s.ecifically= w#en angry at your mate= you usually tell yourself! >a? <My .artner must treat me considerately and lovingly. He actually 7e#aves unfairly and disa..rovingly. ) can2t stand this 7e#aviorF ) find it awfall 3#at a total louse t#at makes #imF< And >7? <) got toget#er wit# t#is mate in order to feel great ;oy and #a..iness. 7no9ious economic= social= se9ual= or c#ild-rearing conditions e9ist in our relations#i.. "#ey must not continue to e9ist t#is #orri7le wayF How terrible t#at t#ey doF ) can2t bear itF Mating t#erefore is an a7solutely frig#tful state= and ) #ate t#e very t#oug#t of going on wit# itF< ,o lookDand kee. looking until you findDyour own shoulds, oughts, and musts a7out >a? your mateG >7? your c#ildrenG >c? t#e conditions under w#ic# you liveG >d? your in-lawsG and >e? your se9 relations wit# your mate. As soon as you really clearly understand t#ese musts, you locate t#e most im.ortant sources of your #atred and rageDas 2r. %o7ert A. Har.er and ) .oint out in +ow to &top 7estroying 6our -elationships and as C#i. "afrate and ) s#ow in +ow to Control 6our #nger efore $t Controls 6ou. %. 2iscriminate your wis#es from your demands and commands. "ry clearly to distinguis# your wis#es a7out your mate and your re lations#i. from your mustur7atory commands. You can very legiti mately tell yourself= <) would muc# rat#er #ave my mate #ave se9 wit# me twice a week t#an #ave it once every two weeks.< $ut you can t#en un#ealt#ily add= <And t#erefore= my .artner must do soF< Hust a7out every one of your a7solutistic commands to your .artner #as a somew#at realistic and reasona7le wis# or .reference 7e#ind it. ,earc# in your #ead and your #eart for both t#e wis# and t#e es calating command t#at insists you have to fulfill or satisfy t#is wis#. ,e.arate t#e two very= very clearlyF 16. 2is.ute and de7ate your a7solutistic musts. Merely under-

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standing your demands on your mate >and on t#e universe? will not solve your .ro7lem. For you can easily say to yourself= < #= yes= ) see now t#at ) feel terri7ly angry toward my .artner 7ecause ) kee. commanding t#at s#e do e9actly w#at ) .refer. 3ell= may7e ):d 7etter give u. my demands and translate t#em 7ack into wis#es.< FineD7ut not enoug#F 0nless you very actively= .ersistently= and strongly dis.ute= Cuestion= and c#allenge your demands= you .ro7a7ly will never give t#em u.. nly 7y arranging a t#oroug#going c#ange in your .#iloso.#ic assum.tions= your a7solutistic shoulds, will you reduce your angry feelings. And 7y reduce= ) do not mean su..ress= re.ress= avoid= or swee. under t#e rug. ) mean actually diminish t#emF Also= make it muc# less likely t#at you will re-create t#em in t#e future. 11. &m.loy 7e#avioral and emotive means of undermining your feelings of anger. As noted t#roug#out t#is 7ook= you not only manufacture your own angry feelings 7ut t#en reinforce t#em 7y various emotive and 7e#avioral acts. You t#erefore #ad 7etter use evocative-emotive-dramatic and active-directive-7e#avioral met#ods to c#ange your anger. "#us= emotively= you can deli7erately act lovingly rat#er t#an angrily toward your mate. You can train yourself to em.at#i8e more effectively wit# your .artner:s .oint of view and feelings. You can .ractice w#at Carl %ogers calls unconditional .ositive regard or w#at in %&$" we call unconditional acce.tance. You can use non7laming )-statements instead of condemning youstatements a7out your mate:s 7e#avior. You can e9.ress your #ostile feelings a7out your .artner to ot#er .eo.le >suc# as friends? rat#er t#an directly. You can role .lay some of your angry reactions to your mate. You can use %ational &motive )magery to let yourself imagine your mate:s acting very 7ad= allow yourself to feel very angry= and t#en .ractice c#anging your feelings to disa..ointment rat#er t#an anger. As for 7e#avioral met#ods= you can use several to #el. reinforce your attacking your feelings of anger. You can deli7erately stay in anger-inciting situations to give yourself .ractice in co.ing wit# suc# conditions and in c#anging your #ostility-creating .#iloso-

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.#ies as you deal wit# t#em. You can .ractice assertiveness instead of .assivity= to ward off your 7uilding u. unnecessary feelings of rage w#en you do not legitimately assert yourself wit# your mate. You can use o.erant conditioning or self-management met#ods and reward yourself w#en you react unangrily to your .artner w#ile .enali8ing >7ut not damning? yourself w#en you react angrily. You can em.loy 7e#avior-re#earsal met#ods and train yourself >7y working wit# a model or role-.laying .artner? to react #ealt#ily w#en your mate does some <u.setting< act. You can make written or oral contracts wit# your mate to do some t#ings t#at #e wis#es to do= .rovided t#at #e will also do ot#er t#ings t#at you would .refer. You can use rela9ation= meditation= t#oug#t sto..ing= or ot#er desensiti8ing and diverting met#ods to take yourself= at least tem.orarily= out of anger-arousing situations and to give yourself e9tra time to work against your mustur7atory .#iloso.#ies. )n many different ways= t#en= you can a..ly virtually all t#e anger-reducing met#ods outlined in t#is 7ook to t#e .ro7lem of acknowledging your making yourself incensed at your love .artner >or ot#er .erson? and to giving u. your angry feelings and en;oying more of t#e good feelings t#at t#is relations#i. may include. %&$" writings= suc# as my 7ooks 8eeling etter, Aetting etter, and &taying etter and +ow to &tubbornly -efuse to Ca1e 6ourself Ciserable #bout #nythingD6es, #nything9, contain muc# antianger material= and tens of t#ousands of .eo.le #ave #el.ed t#emselves 7ecome less irate 7y reading t#is material. )n addition= t#e Al7ert &llis )nstitute in Aew York City distri7utes a good deal of ot#er materials= suc# as .osters= 7uttons= ta.e recordings= wallet cards= videota.es= and films to #el. you work against angering yourself. ) #ave freCuently #eard from many w#o #ave #ad little or no actual rational t#era.y 7ut w#o #ave used t#ese kinds of materials to good effect and #ave modified t#eir angry 7e#avior tremendously 7y .ersistently working wit# t#em. At t#e )nstitute we also offer a great many talks= seminars= works#o.s= marat#ons= and ot#er .u7lic .resentations t#at #el. large num7ers of .eo.le wit# t#eir anger. At t#e Friday-nig#t works#o.s= <Pro7lems of 2aily +iving=< t#at ) #ave conducted almost every

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week for almost forty years= .eo.le eit#er 7ring u. t#eir .ersonal .ro7lems and receive direct #el. from me and mem7ers of t#e audience or else .artici.ate less actively and learn #ow to #andle t#eir .ro7lems mainly 7y o7serving #ow t#e audience and ) work wit# ot#er .eo.le. %&$" em.loys all ty.es of .syc#oeducational met#ods to #el. .eo.le work against t#eir self-defeating emotions like anger. And you can e9.lore various met#ods yourself and use any or all of t#em to #el. see w#at you tell yourself to make yourself angry= understand #ow to dis.ute and c#allenge your own anger-creating irrationalities= and act and emote in anti#ostile ways.

11
%i..ing 0. Your %ationali8ations for %emaining Angry
,ince t#ere e9ist many rational reasons for giving u. our feelings of anger and suc# sensi7le ways of dealing wit# t#ese feelings= w#y do we find it so easy= t#en= to ignore t#em? 3#y do we favorDeven= at times= revel inDstaying angry? Pro7a7ly= first of all= 7ecause anger #as definite 7iological roots= w#ic# we will now consider. As many et#ologists= .#ysiologists= sociologists= and ot#er scientists #ave s#own= a great deal of evidence indicates t#at you make yourself angry .artly for 7iological reasons. 2onald ". +unde and 2avid A. Ham7urg= for e9am.le= #ave s#own t#at in animalsDas well as #uman c#ildren and adultsDfig#ting 7e#avior .revails in males muc# more t#an in females 7ecause of t#e influence of testosterone= t#e male #ormone. Additionally= Yoram Haffe and #is associates #ave discovered t#at se9ually aroused males and females are more aggressive t#an nonaroused su7;ectsG and &dward 2onnerstein and #is researc# grou. #ave found t#at #ig#ly erotic stimuli tend to facilitate and maintain aggression in males. %. C. $oelkins and H. F. Heiser= after e9amining researc# data from animal and #uman studies= conclude t#at we can view aggression <as an ada.tive 7e#avior #aving its origins in genetically coded neural 122

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mec#anisms .. . acted u.on 7y 7ot# #ormonal and .syc#osocial factors.< "#e famous .syc#ologist Harry F. Harlow #eld t#at <aggression most likely remains in man as a solid com.onent of #is 7iological #eritage as a .rimate.< ,igmund Freud= considering a great amount of clinical and ant#ro.ological evidence= gave us t#is summary statement! "#e 7it of trut# 7e#ind all t#isDone so eagerly deniedDis t#at men are not gentle= friendly creatures wis#ing for love= w#o sim.ly defend t#emselves if t#ey are attacked= 7ut t#at a .owerful measure of desire for aggression #as to 7e reckoned on t#e .art of t#eir instinctual endowment. .. . Civili8ed society is .er.etually menaced wit# disintegration t#roug# t#is .rimary #ostility of men towards one anot#er. . .. "#e tendency to aggression is an innate= inde.endent= instinctual dis.osition in man . . . it constitutes t#e most .owerful o7stacle to culture. Many outstanding social and .#ysiological scientists #ave #eld t#at 7iological= #ereditary= and c#emical factors .lay a .ronounced .art in #uman aggressionDalong wit# .syc#ological and sociological learning. t#er social t#inkers= suc# as As#ley Montagu= #otly dis.ute t#is view. Montagu states t#at #uman <aggressiveness is a learned form of 7e#avior. "#ere is a7solutely no evidence w#ateverG indeed= t#e evidence is entirely in t#e o..osite direction= t#at man is in any way :.rogrammed: to 7e#ave aggressively.< Montagu seems .artly rig#t= for no conclusive evidence e9ists for t#e .rogramming of aggression= anger= and violence in #umans. $ut most aut#orities agree t#at we #ave innate tendencies to 7e easily self-.rogrammed in suc# ways. For many reasons= our 7iological tendencies .redis.ose us to react angrily. )n =he ?sychology of #ggression, @. &. Moyer notes t#at certain allergens can= in some .eo.le= lead to many ty.es of irrita7ility= including acute and c#ronic .#ysical violence. Ant#ro.ologist %al.# $olton= studying e9ce.tionally #ostile tri7es like t#e Eolla of Peru= found t#at a #ig#er .rotein intake tended to create o..osite 7e#av-

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ior. ,ociologist Pierre +. van den $erg#e summari8es #is views on #uman aggression and availa7le resource com.etition 7y saying t#at <... Homo sa.iens rates #ig# on territoriality= #ierarc#y and aggression= and t#at t#ese forms of 7e#avior are 7iologically .redis.osed . . . an understanding of #uman 7e#avior must necessarily 7e 7ot# 7iological and socio-cultural.< Many ot#er scientistsDes.ecially et#ologists suc# as @onrad +oren8= %o7ert Ardrey= 2esmond Morris= A. "in7ergen= and +ionel "igerD#ave likewise 7eaten t#e drum in recent years to a..rise us of t#e fact t#at #ostility #as fairly evident 7iological roots. And even t#ose w#o #ave critici8ed t#eir <findings=< suc# as &dward C. %yter7and= #ave admitted t#at at least .art of t#eir argument a..ears valid. %yter7and= for instance= #as noted! <Ao intelligent arguments can or s#ould deny t#at environment #as significant effects on all of man:s 7e#avior. )ncreasingly= evidence #as accumulated not t#at t#ere are instincts w#ic# control us= 7ut t#at muc# of our 7e#avior s.rings from 7ot# genetic and environmental sources.< &ric# Fromm= in #is #natomy of +uman 7estructiveness, largely concerns #imself wit# s#owing t#at we don:t #ave s.ecific or insurmounta7le instincts to destroy ourselves or to wage ceaseless feuds and wars. He stoutly o..oses t#e instinctivist-#ydraulic model of aggression t#at writers like Freud and +oren8 es.ouseDt#e model t#at says t#at we as #umans #ave innate destructive or aggressive energies and t#at if we do not e9.ress and utili8e t#em directly= t#ey will force us into e9treme forms of violence= suc# as war= genocide= and suicide. At t#e same time= Fromm admits t#at t#e data of t#e neurosciences t#at #e reviews <#ave #el.ed to esta7lis# t#e conce.t of one kind of aggressionDlife .reserving= 7iologically ada.tive= defensive aggression. "#ey s#ow t#at man is endowed wit# a .otential aggression w#ic# is mo7ili8ed 7y t#reats to #is vital interests.< ,o even &ric# Fromm= o7viously= does not com.letely o..ose a 7iological 7asis to anger and aggression. He merely s#ows t#at t#is 7asis does not doom us to t#e worst forms of aggression= .articularly mass murder= w#ic# some ot#er t#eorists= including Freud= seem to t#ink it does. Also= as Morton 2eutsc# .oints out in reviewing Fromm:s 7ook= #is 7asic t#esis #olds t#at destructiveness

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>and= .resuma7ly= all ot#er c#aracter traits? results from t#e interaction of various social conditions wit# #uman e9istential drivesD suc# as our awareness of our .owerlessness= our ignorance= and our deat#. $ut t#ese e9istential drives t#emselves #ave a clear-cut 7iological 7asis= as ) t#ink Fromm admits. ,o #is seeming antagonism to 7iological forces in our nature remains very .artial. )n recent years muc# evidence #as s#own t#at #uman aggression #as 7ot# strong 7iological and environmental >social-learning? elements. Branted t#at almost all contem.orary t#eorists acknowledge anger:s strong 7iological as well as sociological roots= don:t mistakenly <use< t#e 7iological 7asis as a reason for not c#anging your own irate 7e#avior. Branted t#at you #ave innate tendencies to enrage yourself at t#e real and imagined in;ustices of t#e world. Admitted t#at you #ave strong .redis.ositions to condemn ot#ers as a w#ole for some of t#eir 7e#aviors and to wis# t#em dead for doing <wrong< and <immoral< acts= ) still ask! 3#y must you go along wit# t#ose .#ysiologically 7ased tendencies? And w#at ;ustifies your using its <#istorical< 7asis as an excuse for your rage? 2on:t forget= in t#is connection= t#at you #ave numerous ot#er 7iologically 7ased urges t#at you nearly always controlDand wit# good reason. You naturally and 7iologically s.it= c#ew= defecate= and .ass flatus. $ut do you do so unrestrainedly= wit#out any controls on yourself? Ao matter #ow strong are your in#erited .redis.ositions to scream at ot#ers= tell t#em #ow com.letely stu.id t#ey act= and .ummel t#em into t#e ground w#en t#ey seriously treat you unfairly= t#e fact still remains t#at you don:t have to do any of t#ese 7e#aviors and you can usually >if not always? a..recia7ly cut t#em down if you willingly work #ard to do so. Ao evidence e9ists t#at you will necessarily end u. wit# an ulcer or #ig# 7lood .ressure if you 7lock or control your rage any more t#an it e9ists for your winding u. diseased if you control several of your ot#er 7iological functions. As a mem7er of society ) .ersonally sCuelc# many of my 7iological= .leasure-oriented urges and ) do so every day in t#e week= .er#a.s even every #our of t#e day. ) eat less t#an ) want= co.ulate on only limited occasions= freCuently kee. silent w#en ) would t#or-

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oug#ly en;oy continuing to talk= go fully clot#ed in even t#e #ottest of weat#er= and restrict my 7iological urges in countless ot#er ways. Aot only do ) manage to get 7y wit# minimum or moderate discomfort as ) limit myself in t#ese ways= 7ut ) actually often feel .leased to do so. As a dia7etic= for e9am.le= ) en>oy cur7ing my diet and forcing myself away from sugary foods t#at ) would relis# 7ut are also almost let#al for me. Cur7ing my anger does not un7eara7ly frustrate me. )n fact= in some ways= ) manage to en;oy my self-cur7ing= tooF Peo.le also #old on to t#eir anger 7ecause t#ey do not reali8e t#eir alternatives. &ven downtrodden individuals= suc# as minority grou.s or women= w#om our culture #as sorely tried and a7used= need not give vent to t#eir anger= nor must t#ey cravenly su7mit to e9.loitation and su7;ugation. "#ey #ave more t#an t#e grim c#oice of! >1? .assively su7mitting to t#eir controllers= letting t#emselves get <walked over=< or >2? angrily ranting= raving= or actually resorting to violence. f t#ese two c#oices= t#e first seems definitely t#e worse and includes unassertive su7servience. ,o ) definitely do not recommend t#at. )n %&$" we seek a t#ird .at#= one t#at e9ists between cravenly giving u. w#at you want and nastily telling ot#ers offDfig#ting t#em to t#e deat#. 3e advocate= instead= determined opposition. )f )= for e9am.le= lived as a woman in our still antifeminist society= ) would reali8e #ow many in;ustices and #andica.s ) #ad to 7ear 7ecause of my femaleness= and ) would fervently dislike= o..ose= and even #ate t#ese needless 7arriers. $ut ) would not >in muc# t#e same way t#at my male o..ressors 7igotedly scream and w#ine against female rig#ts and .rivileges? idiotically convince myself t#at <$ecause social rules treat me unfairly= t#ey must not e9istF How aw fill t#at t#ey doF ) can2t stand society:s discriminationsF "#e .eo.le w#o .romulgate and sustain t#ese rules are totally rotten tyrants, w#om we #ave to anni#ilate entirely if we want t#ese #orri7le customs c#angedF< )n ot#er words= no matter #ow disa..ointed= frustrated= and determined ) felt a7out antifeminist traditions= ) would not waste my time and energy screaming and wailing a7out suc# .re;udices. )n-

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stead= ) would determinedly organi8e myself and my sym.at#etic co#orts to fig#t and c#ange t#em. Claudeen Cline-Aaff8iger .artly sees t#is t#ird= nonangry= determined .at# toward social c#ange w#en s#e notes! <Florynce @ennedy:s analysis of action-oriented anger is educative for 7ot# women and t#eir t#era.ists. ,#e suggests t#at instead of women .utting down ot#er women= #us7ands= family= or custodians as is wont to occur= women must 7e encouraged to .ut t#eir anger energy on t#e sources of .ower. Anger energy is more .otent w#en focused on t#ose a7ove rat#er t#an t#ose around or 7elow.< Previously= Ms. Cline-Aaffsiger noted t#at <most women #ave suc# a reservoir of anger and so muc# energy stored u. in tending it t#at t#ey need screaming= kicking= yelling sessions to release t#e e9cess and get t#e 7urden down to a managea7le si8e.< ,#e failed to see t#at t#is kind of screaming and kicking 7e#avior carries wit# it a distinct philosophy of angerDnamely= t#at t#ings must not remain indu7ita7ly un.leasant even w#en t#ey almost certainly will, at least for a w#ile= remain t#at way. And s#e doesn:t see t#at suc# tactics will mainly si.#on off energies t#at women could .ut to constructively fig#ting to c#ange t#e social system. Moreover= as t#ousands of years of #uman #istory #ave .roved= once a downtrodden grou. angrily and violently .its itself against a grou. of ruling o..ressors= its c#ildis# demandingness freCuently leads to eCual irrationality and lack of rational ;udgment against its o..onent. ,o eit#er t#e original rulers get 7ack into .ower and savagely anni#ilate t#e re7els or >as in t#e somew#at ty.ical cases of t#e Frenc# and %ussian %evolutions? an even more e9treme grou. of re7els takes over from t#e original grou.Dand a frig#tful and almost com.letely senseless 7lood7at# and su..ression of #uman li7erty ensues. As a longtime revolutionary myself= .articularly in t#e fields of se9ual .ermissiveness and .syc#ot#era.y reform= ) #ave freCuently made angry out7ursts against my <reactionary< o..onents= and sometimes ) still do. $ut ) #ave almost always found t#at my anger does more #arm t#an good for my own cause and t#at ) work more effectively for w#at ) want and against t#e stu.idities ) don:t want w#en

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) vigorously= forcefully= determinedlyDand raowangrilyDkee. fig#ting for w#at ) consider ;ust= good= and efficient. ,cores of .syc#ologists suc# as Beorge $ac# and Her7ert Bold7erg .oint out t#e great #arm t#at we do to ourselves 7y refusing to acknowledge and e9.ress our feelings of ire. )n agreement wit# Freud= t#ey insist t#at <w#en o.en aggressive e9.ression or inter.ersonal encounters are su..ressed= eit#er for conscious reasons= suc# as t#e desire to 7e .olite or :nice=: or for dee.er motivations= suc# as t#e fear of angry interc#anges= t#ese feelings are not lost. %at#er t#ey are driven underground= so to s.eak= and re-emerge transformed 7e#ind socially acce.ta7le masks.< ,uc# remarks reCuire careful consideration. $ac# and Bold7erg seem to mean t#at you may sometimes #ave disturbed reasons for su..ressing or re.ressing feelings of anger. "#us= if ) treat you unfairly= you may first feel you #ave to act .olitely to me in order to s#ow everyone= including me= #ow you rate as a <nice .erson.< 3e can call t#is <distur7ed< 7ecause you t#en tend to run your life mainly for ot#ers and not enoug# for yourself. You make yourself so concerned a7out my and ot#ers: o.inions t#at you refuse to ask yourself w#at you really wantDand you feel frustrated and un#a..y for surrendering too easily to any o..osition. Your second distur7ed reason for su..ressing anger! your fear of .ossi7le re;ection and anger if you risk telling me your feelings of dis.leasure. You would really like to s#ow me my unfairness and try to get me to act 7etter toward you= 7ut you feel terri7ly afraid of suc# a confrontation 7ecause it mig#t turn into an angry interc#ange. You again start worrying too muc# a7out w#at K mig#t t#ink of you and too little a7out w#at you really want. nce again= t#is means t#at you feel you #ave to make yourself into a totally <nice .erson< w#o rarely Cuarrels wit# anyone= seldom risks disa..roval. 0nassertion= or t#e giving u. of w#at you really want in order to des.erately win anot#er:s acce.tance= means t#at you fail to live= t#at you give u. muc# of your #ealt#y desiring= and t#at you fail to ever let your own individuality emerge. )f wanting to 7e a <nice .erson< and fear of re;ection are your motives for sCuelc#ing your feelings of anger= you will drive under-

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ground some of your other feelingsDes.ecially your feeling t#at you #ave a rig#t to e9ist in t#is world and to #ave ot#ers treat you fairly. $ac# and Bold7erg Cuite rig#tly .oint t#is out. $ut t#ey also seem to forget t#at you could #ave Cuite different= healthy reasons for not feeling or e9.ressing angerDnamely= your wis# to #ave more loving= coo.erative= and friendly relations wit# me and ot#ers and your desire to #ave more of t#e t#ings you want and less of t#e t#ings t#at you do not want in life. )n ot#er words= $ac# and Bold7erg fail to see t#at w#ile you can 1?un#ealt#ily need and insist on ot#ers liking you= you can also 2?#ealt#ily desire and want to get along 7etter wit# t#em. )f you #ave t#e first need= you t#en= .eculiarly enoug#= tend to su..ress t#e second set of feelings= and= .er#a.s more im.ortant= you also su..ress your desires to get along wit# yourself and to try to ac#ieve w#at ;Kow want to do in life. ,ince= #owever= you do want ot# ers to like you and you also want to get w#at you desire out of life= t#e over.olite demeanor t#at $ac# and Bold7erg de.lore denies t#isDand es.ecially denies your own wants and .references. $ut $ac# and Bold7erg= unfortunately= forget t#at w#en you #ealt#fully surrender your dire need for ot#ers: a..roval= you can still #ealt# fully retain your desire for t#eir affection. You can t#erefore con sciously su..ress >instead of consciously re.ress? some of your angry feelingsDand t#ere7y get along 7etter wit# t#em and wit# yourself. ver.oliteness may unduly restrict you= 7ut normal .oliteness may distinctly aid 7ot# your inter.ersonal and intra.ersonal relations. "#e various arguments in favor of anger often #ave a fairHy sensi7le core= 7ut t#is easily gets escalated out of .ro.ortion to t#e underlying #alf-trut#s it contains. f course= anger #as its good .ointsF ,o do murder= tyranny= revolution= 7a7y seal #unting= and canni7alism. All t#ese e9.ressions of t#e #uman s.irit can 7e selffulfilling and sometimesDt#oug# not too oftenFDdo somew#at more good t#an #arm. Moreover= if we com.letely removed t#em from t#e #uman condition= we would suffer a distinct loss. ,o wit# anger. Many aut#orities #ave rig#tly .ointed out its #umanitarian elements. )srael C#arny #olds t#at <aggression is an omni.resent= instinctive force in all of life w#ic# we mig#t 7est define

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as t#e .ur.oseful= .ulsating energy or strengt# for 7eing t#at is one:s life force.< Al7ert ,olnit indicates t#at <in c#ildren t#e aggressive 7e#avior serves to make contact wit# t#e love o7;ect and gain li7idinal satisfaction.< Martin %ot# .oints out t#at .olitical= religious= and revolutionary wars #ave a .ronounced altruistic element 7ecause t#ey would not #ave occurred wit#out t#e .eculiarly #uman c#aracteristic of self-sacrifice. &dward ,agarin s#ows #ow su..ressed .eo.le can acCuire res.ect for t#emselves t#roug# #atred for ot#ers. 3. 3. Meissner contends t#at <#uman aggression #as a .ositive and constructive role to .lay in t#e develo.ment of man:s religious s.irit.< &dward 2.Hose.# sees aggression as including 7e#avior and activities= mental and ot#erwise= t#at emerge as forceful and t#at involve a direct a..roac# to t#e o7;ect. Aevitt ,anford indicates t#at we want c#ildren <to 7e angry a7out t#e rig#t t#ings >#uman e9.loitation for e9am.le? and to e9.ress t#eir anger in ways t#at #el. to counter destructiveness.< C#ris Meadows designates anger as <t#e emotion w#ic# .rimes aggressive 7e#avior in defense of life and integrity.< %olland ,. Parker .oints out t#at e9.ression of anger and aggression may #el. .eo.le confront and master difficult situations. All t#ese .oints make some sense. $ut t#ey also may 7e considera7ly misleading. For t#ey mainly confuse <anger< or <aggression< wit# assertiveness= t#e strong motivation to c#ange o7no9ious stimuli= and t#e determined effort to effect t#at kind of c#ange. "rue= #ostility contains suc# constructive elements. $ut even more true! You can kee. t#ese elements and still minimi8e w#at we normally call #atred and rage. "#e a.ologists for anger and aggression a..arently do not see t#is. "#ey do not define t#eir terms clearly enoug#= or t#ey #o.elessly t#ink t#at you can only assert yourselfDes.ecially in t#e face of difficult or o7no9ious conditionsDt#roug# a c#ildis# demandingness or w#ining t#at t#ings s#ould not= must not e9ist t#e way t#ey do= and t#roug# conseCuent feelings of anger. 3rongF You can kee. your determination and your assertiveness wit#out grandiose rage if you t#ink clearly and act forcefully along t#e lines outlined in t#is 7ookF

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Ant#ony ,torr w#itewas#es anger in t#is way! < nly w#en intense aggressiveness e9ists 7etween two individuals . .. love can arise.< "rueDif you train yourself to feel and act entirely unemotionally= wit# no .assion w#atever= you will knock out <7ad< emotions like #ostilityDand <good< ones like love. $ut rational= as ) kee. em.#asi8ing to my clients and to audiences all over t#e world= does not mean unemotional. )t means healthily emotional. ,torr= for e9am.le= seems to 7elieve t#at you need aggressiveness in order to love= and ) 7elieve t#at you don:t. $ut alt#oug# 7ot# of us may 7e overgenerali8ing= neit#er of us may 7e irrationalDunless we also 7elieve t#at our view has to, a7solutely must .revail. ur .assion doesn:t make us irrationalD7ut our dogma doesF <Constructive< aggression advocates 7elieve t#at if .eo.le <do you in< and you let yourself #ave a 7rief or mild .eriod of anger against t#em= you #andle yourself well= w#ile if t#ey treat you ;ust as 7adly and you let yourself intensely and .rolongedly #ate t#em= you #andle yourself 7adly. "#is idea #as some sense to it since long and e9treme #atred usually makes for worse results t#an s#ort and moderate #atred. $ut few= if any= of t#e a7reaction-encouraging writers or t#era.ists seem to reali8e t#at all anger= even one .ercent anger= tends to include should, ought, or must, and t#at even your one .ercent anger differs significantly from t#e 55 .ercent irritation t#at you would feel if you a..lied your irritation only to my actions rat#er t#an to me as a w#ole .erson. )f you limited your reaction in t#at #ealt#y manner w#en ) treated you unfairly= you could= for instance= strongly say to yourself= <) loat#e &llis:s 7e#aviorF ) t#oroug#ly wis# t#at #e would not act t#at wayF ) feel very determined to get #im to treat me 7etter.< )n t#at way= you would tend to feel e9ce.tionally irritated at my actions and would 7e unusually determined to get me to sto. t#em rat#er t#an weakly and 7riefly telling yourselfDor meD<) really #ate #im for treating me t#at wayF He absolutely should not #ave done t#atF< %emem7er= in t#is connection= t#e old ;oke a7out t#e woman w#o tells #er #ig#ly conservative .arents t#at s#e <is a little 7it .regnant.< &it#er #er .regnancy e9istsDor it doesn:t. Her statement t#at s#e is a <little 7it< .regnant doesn:t face t#e real issue! t#at s#e

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really is. )f you make yourself act only a <little 7it< angry for <a little w#ile=< you o7scure t#e fact t#at you still take a mistaken .osition a7out .eo.le:s un.leasant 7e#avior and still command t#at t#ey not act t#at way. )n my view= murdering a #undred .eo.le definitely is worse t#an murdering one. $ut t#at #ardly makes t#e single murder rig#t or .ro.erF 2r. %o7ert ). 2aug#erty #as stated t#at <sometimes= anger can 7e fun.< Yes= once in a w#ile= arguing gets your adrenaline e9citedly going. )t can 7e t#e #ig#lig#t of your day. Yet we #ad 7etter not forget= in t#is connection= t#at Hitler en>oyed sending millions of Hews and By.sies to t#e gas c#am7ers. ,talin and ot#er tyrants felt great a7out im.risoning= torturing= and finally managing to kill many of t#eir .olitical o..onents. Many #armful #uman acts can seem fun= suc# as overeating= overdrinking= drug taking= and .laying #ooky from sc#ool. Most of t#ese <fun< conditions= #owever= consist of s#ort-range #edonism and in t#e long run lead youDand es.ecially t#e .eo.le you feel angry atD into all sorts of difficulties. Alt#oug# your basic goals in life #ad 7etter 7e .leasure= #a..iness= and en;oyment= your going for certain immediate gains= suc# as t#ose 7estowed 7y rage and violence= #ardly #el.s you ac#ieve your main .ur.oses. Patti Hague e9.resses t#is idea! <May7e 7y nurturing myself and #aving more fait# in my lova7leness and my relations#i.s ):ll not 7e so fearful of angry res.onses from ot#ers and ):ll let my newfound freedom to e9.ress anger 7ecome .owerful instead of dwarfing it wit# tears.< As .eo.le freCuently do= Ms. Hague seems to assume t#at dis.leasure results in anger or tears wit# no alternative availa7le. And s#e also im.lies t#at if s#e #as lova7leness and can act well in relations#i.s= s#e #as t#e leeway to e9.ress #er anger wit#out disadvantage and t#ere7y to gain #onesty and selfres.ect. Anot#er #alf-trut#F For if Ms. Hague looked at t#e situation more rationally= s#e could fully acce.t #erself with #er failingsDincluding #er unlova7leness and #er .oor relations#i.s. Making selfacce.tance contingent on good acts is a risky .rocedureF Assuming t#at Ms. Hague could manage unconditionally to acce.t #erself= s#e could t#en 7etter afford to e9.ress #er dis.leasure to ot#ers= to say

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to t#em= for e9am.le= <) really don:t like t#e way you kee. treating me and wis# you would sto. itF< #nger, #owever= would go far 7eyond t#is kind of dis.leasure and would stem from t#e idea= <$ecause ) don:t like t#e way you kee. treating me= you must not continue to do so= and if you do= ) see you as a rotten .ersonF< Ao matter #ow muc# Ms. Hague mig#t fully and unconditionally acce.t #erself= making #erself angry in t#is grandiose way still is damning ot#ers= and s#e would mainly re.lace self-condemnation wit# denigrating ot#ers. ,till a mistakeF Larious ty.es of t#era.y= suc# as %eic#ian= .rimal= and 7ioenergetic t#era.y= claim t#at if .eo.le react violently and angrily in a t#era.y session or grou.= t#ey actually lose t#eir #ostility and act less angrily in real-life situations. However= as far as ) can see= many .eo.le w#o undertake t#ese kinds of t#era.ies end u. 7y feeling more angry as t#e t#era.y <.rogresses.< ) #ave talked wit# #undreds of individuals w#o t#ink t#ey #ave <successfully< undergone Bestalt= .syc#oanalytic= and various kinds of <rage< and <fig#t< t#era.ies= and t#e ma;ority of t#em #ave felt and acted more #ostilely t#an t#ey did 7efore t#eir <cure.< "#is su7stantiates t#e e9.erimental work of 2r. +eonard $erkowit8 and several ot#er .syc#ologists w#o consistently find in researc# studies t#at individuals w#o .unis#= curse at= and ot#erwise aggress against wrongdoers usually 7egin to feel more angry instead of sim.ly 7lowing off steam and feeling less irate. Peo.le w#o act out t#eir anger and retaliate against t#ose w#o act unfairly may= of course= sometimes wind u. 7y feeling less angry. For a variety of reasons. >1? "#ey tem.orarily run out of energy and get too e9#austed to continue t#eir rage. >2? "#ey acknowledge and face t#eir feelings of anger and t#ere7y #el. desensiti8e t#emselves to suc# feelings. >(? $y e9.ressing t#eir fury= t#ey note t#eir own asinine reactions and s#ow t#emselves #ow foolis#ly t#ey 7e#aveD and need not 7e#ave in t#e future. >*? "#ey irrationally 7elieve t#at now t#at t#ey #ave told someone off for acting 7adly= t#at .erson <deserves< forgiveness. >/? "#ey like t#e fact t#at t#ey #ave asserted t#emselves= instead of fearfully 7ottling u. t#eir dis.leasure at t#e <wrongdoers.< +iking t#emselves for t#is assertiveness= t#ey feel

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more a7le to acce.t ot#ers wit# t#eir <wrongdoing.< >'? "#ey once in a w#ile= 7y e9.ressing t#eir anger >instead of more sensi7ly e9.ressing t#eir dis.leasure?= induce <wrongdoers< to c#ange t#eir waysG t#ey feel very good a7out t#is c#ange and t#erefore surrender t#eir anger. >1? "#ey often get a lot of a..roval from anger-inciting t#era.ists or t#era.y grou.s= feel good a7out t#is a..roval= and tem.orarily forget t#eir anger. For many reasons suc# as t#ese= anger-inciting t#era.y may sometimes work. $ut even w#en it does= it tends to augment t#e philosophy of anger. 3#ile you kee. screaming and cursing at .eo.le for acting 7adly= you kee. reinforcing your notion t#at t#ey must not do w#at t#ey did and t#at t#ey are lousy individuals for acting t#is horrible way. ConseCuently= even w#en your current anger at t#em su7sides= you make yourself furious at t#em and ot#er wrongdoers in t#e future. ,o w#ile anger-inciting t#era.ies <work=< at least to some e9tent= t#ey often end u. 7y creating more #arm t#an good. +eslie Breen7erg and ,andra Paivio advocate an <emotionally focused treatment of anger.< $ut t#ey note t#at t#eir e9.ressive a..roac# <distinguis#es 7etween overcontrolled anger and unregulated anger.< )t assesses different anger .rocesses and states <for t#e .ur.oses of a..ro.riate intervention.< )t is t#erefore emotive and cognitive. $ac# and Bold7erg insist t#at <constructive aggression increases as #urtful #ostility is reduced and informative im.act is increased.< "#ey t#erefore advocate some <aggressive rituals=< suc# as 7ataca fig#ts= in t#e course of w#ic# angry .eo.le fig#t eac# ot#er in limited ways and make sure t#at ot#ers do not get too 7adly mauled. "#e .artici.ants in t#ese ritualistic fig#ts know t#at t#ey set definite limits= give t#emselves only a s#ort time s.an in w#ic# to fig#t= set u. various restrictive rules= use a good deal of .layacting= and sometimes fig#t in a deli7erately outlandis# and e9treme way. "#us= t#ey add an element of a7surdity and #umor to w#at t#ey do. 0nder suc# conditions= t#ey not only allow t#emselves to let off steam= 7ut also acknowledge and s#ow t#emselves t#at a real fig#t= wit# no #olds 7arred= #as 7ad results and t#at t#ey:d 7etter not engage in that kind of a struggle.

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n t#e ot#er #and= fig#ting in a limited or .layacting form also #as its distinct limitations. 3#ile t#e fig#ters scream at eac# ot#er or #it eac# ot#er wit# #armless 7ataca 7ats= t#ey usually tend to ret#ink t#at t#eir enemy does act 166 .ercent wrongly and must sto. doing so or will 7e a louse. ,uc# controlled fig#ting may tem.orarily #el. t#e .artici.antsD7ut largely 7ecause t#ey still t#ink t#at t#ey indu7ita7ly 7e#ave correctly and t#at t#e #ated .erson 7e#aves 7adly. "#ey demand= as end result= t#at t#e ot#er must unCuestiona7ly act 7etter in t#e future. Ao real forgiveness or acce.tance of #uman falli7ility is .resent in suc# ritualistic fig#ting. ,o even w#en suc# tec#niCues tem.orarily work= t#ey #ave t#eir serious limitations. Yet anot#er limited and du7ious view of w#y we #old on to anger was e9.ressed 7y 3illiam Hames! t#at since as #umans we #ave innate tendencies toward violence= we:d 7etter let ourselves #ave ot#er intense emotional outlets and t#ere7y .rovide ourselves wit# a moral eCuivalent of war. &ric# Fromm cites t#e allegation t#at if Hitler:s concentration cam. guards #ad released t#eir re.ressed urges toward se9ual sadism in t#eir se9ual relations= t#ey would #ave s#own more kindness to t#e .risoners. Fromm takes a very ske.tical view toward t#is t#eory. ) agree. ,everal studies #ave s#own t#at .eo.le w#o get se9ually aroused can act more sadistically and violently toward t#eir victims t#an t#ose w#o lack suc# arousal. "rue= some individuals= if t#ey .artici.ate actively in situation ADsuc# as .icketing for a .olitical cause or engaging in a se9 orgyDwill t#erefore feel diverted from .artici.ating in situation $Dsuc# as violently assaulting some of t#eir .eers or t#ose over w#om t#ey #ave control. $ut ot#er individuals will do e9actly t#e o..osite. "#ey will .erversely learn= from t#e first set of e9.eriences= #ow to act more assertively and aggressively in t#e second set of e9.eriences and will t#erefore 7e#ave more instead of less angrily. Peo.le take different messages from t#e same e9.eriences. ne woman grows u. wit# an alco#olic= 7adly 7e#aving mot#er and t#erefore decides never to take a drink for t#e rest of #er life. Her sister grows u. wit# t#e same mot#er= decides t#at drinking seems a

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good way to get t#roug# life= and makes #erself into a severe alco#olic. As we kee. em.#asi8ing in %&$"= Activating &9.eriences= at .oint A= do not make you feel &motional ConseCuences= at C. Your 7eliefs or inter.retations about t#ose e9.eriences do. ConseCuently= out of one #undred .eo.le w#o #ave frustrating e9.eriences at A= twenty may make t#emselves less #ostile at t#e .eo.le w#o <anger< t#emDand eig#ty may make t#emselves more #ostile. "#e 7ody t#era.ies= suc# as %eic#ian and 7ioenergetic t#era.y= a7reactively encourage .eo.le to give vent to t#eir anger or to release t#e 7odily armorings t#at 7lock t#e e9.ression of .ent-u. feelings of rage= and t#ey do on occasion t#ere7y lead to a cat#arsis of anger. $y using t#ese t#era.ies for assertion rat#er t#an for anger= some .eo.le actually wind u. less angry. $ut suc# t#era.ies lead many .eo.le to do ;ust t#e o..osite. Mostly= t#ese t#era.ies tend to augment anger. "#e ma;ority of 7ody t#era.y clients seem to make t#emselves considera7ly more #ostile as t#eir t#era.y .rogresses. $ody t#era.ists= of course= vary enormously= ;ust as ot#er t#era.ists do. Ale9ander +owen and #is followers freCuently incor.orate considera7le rational= anger-interru.ting .#iloso.#ies. Many years ago= 7efore #e 7ecame well known= +owen told me t#at as #e mani.ulated .eo.le:s 7odies= #e also em.loyed several modes of cognitive t#era.yDincluding Freudian= Hungian= and Adlerian tec#niCues. )f you read #is works carefully= you will see t#at #e still does= even t#oug# #e .rimarily stresses .syc#omotor met#ods. t#er 7ody-oriented t#era.ists seem to do likewise. ne of +owen:s followers= 2r. Alice @a#n +adas= writes in t#is res.ect! $ioenergetic analysis is not .rimarily a ventilative t#era.y. "#e 7asic conce.t is not t#e ventilation of anger ... 7ut t#e ca.acity to stand on one:s own two feet literally and .syc#ologically. For many .eo.le= t#is involves 7ecoming aware of anger= rage= or even #atred t#at #as 7een re.ressed in t#e .ast or in t#e .resent. Anger t#at #as 7een re.ressed in t#e .ast inevita7ly .roduces certain ty.es of c#ronic muscular tension. ne may .ull one:s .unc#es until one #as a widow:s #um.= or

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lead wit# one:s c#in until one #as a stiff ;aw. )t is t#e ;o7 of a 7ioenergetic t#era.ist to loosen suc# c#ronic .ostures and= w#en t#is is done= feelings of anger or rage may 7e e9.erienced. At suc# a time= t#e .erson in t#era.y is encouraged to disc#arge t#em in the therapy session. A com.etent 7ioenergetic t#era.ist definitely discourages t#e acting out of c#aracter .ro7lems outside of t#e t#era.eutic encounter. "#e analytic as.ect of t#era.y involves t#e use of intellect to understand and integrate feelings t#at come u. during t#e session. "#is is done t#roug# discussion. As you can easily see= 2r. +adas uses 7ody material largely to reveal angerDand t#en uses rational discussion to disc#arge it. )n %&$" we similarly encourage .eo.le to ac1nowledge t#eir feelings of #ostility= to understand #ow t#ey create t#em= and to wor1 at giving t#em u.. 3e do t#is more efficiently and wit# less danger of illegitimate conclusions on t#e client:s .art= t#an occurs in various 7ody t#era.ies. A large amount of clinical and e9.eriential data s#ows t#at e9.ressing your anger may #el. to reduce your rage and to feel relieved. ,ome of t#is <evidence< seems .artly correct= and some of it seems e9aggerated. Aaturally= you can tem.orarily feel 7etter= and even less irate= if you directly or indirectly e9.ress your anger toward ot#ers. $ut you almost always tem.orarily release yourself= and in t#e long run you re.eat your #ostility-creating .#iloso.#iesDt#at t#e .eo.le w#o #urt you should not, must not act t#e way t#ey indu7ita7ly doDand also 7uild u. future angry reactions. ccasionally you let off steamDand t#en reali8e t#at you don:t #ave to totally condemn your o..onents. $ut usually= you see t#em as more contem.ti7le t#an ever= and you tend to #ate t#em more. Many e9.eriments #ave s#own t#at w#en su7;ects let out t#eir anger on ot#ers= t#ey usually feel angrier. +eonard $erkowit8= Hames A. Breen= and HacCueline %. Macaulay allowed one grou. of frustrated su7;ects to strike t#e frustrator and anot#er grou. not to do so. "#ose w#o did t#e striking .roved ;ust as a.t to anger t#emselves a7out t#e same individual in t#e future. $erkowit8= Arnold

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$uss= and ,eymour Fes#7ac# did se.arate e9.eriments in w#ic# t#ey in#i7ited t#eir su7;ects: aggression= and all of t#em found t#at direct or indirect in#i7ition tended to reduce rat#er t#an to augment #ostile 7e#avior. ,ummari8ing many suc# studies= Fes#7ac# notes t#at <our own o7servations indicate t#at ac1nowledging and labeling the affect RangerV provides a sufficient degree of expression in mo instances of anger arousal Ritalics mineV: and t#atovert e9.ression of it t#erefore does not seem necessary. Fes#7ac# also significantly o7serves! <Most .syc#ot#era.ists agree t#at t#e reduction in anger t#at occurs in .atients for w#om anger #as 7een a ma;or .ro7lem is .rimarily a result of insig#t and more refined discrimination rat#er t#an t#e cat#artic e9.ression of t#e affect. Cognitive reorgani8ation may 7e a far more effective means of reducing violence t#an .romoting its su7limated or free e9.ression.< Helene Pa.anek= a noted Adlerian t#era.ist= also notes t#at for t#e e9.ression of #ostility to 7ring a7out t#era.eutic c#ange= suc# e9.ression #ad 7etter result in a learning e9.erience and #el. strengt#en .eo.le:s social feelingDfor e9am.le= give t#em a 7etter focus on learning to e9.ress and to e9.erience t#emselves in new .ositive ways. "#e view t#at if .eo.le= es.ecially c#ildren= see angry and violent actions in 7ooks= on t#e movie screen= or on =W, t#ey will e9.erience a vicarious cat#artic effect and will tend to release t#eir own inner anger #armlessly #as little sustaining evidence. Lery littleF ,ome c#ildren and adults= under some conditions= may view or read a7out violence and may t#ere7y release t#eir own anger= instead of giving vent to it. $ut as 2r. +eonard M. +ie7ert and #is associates #ave s#own= t#e reverse seems to #old in many more instances. )n one of t#eir re.orts= for instance= t#ey conclude! <At least under some circumstances= re.eated e9.osure to televised aggression can lead c#ildren to acknowledge w#at t#ey #ave seen as a .artial guide for t#eir own actions. As a result= t#e .resent entertainment offerings of t#e television medium may 7e contri7uting= in some measure= to t#e aggressive 7e#avior of many normal c#ildren. ,uc# an effect #as now 7een s#own in a wide variety of situations.< "#e same t#ing #a..ens in t#is res.ect as may #a..en wit# ot#er

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kinds of distur7ance. Most c#ildren or adults= w#en s#own models of ot#er .eo.le w#o 7e#ave in a distur7ed manner se9ually= socially= morally= or ot#erwise= decide t#at suc# 7e#avior doesn:t seem rig#t for t#em and may strongly determine not to engage in it. $ut a certain minority of individuals= w#en witnessing self-defeating or antisocial acts= use t#em as <good< models. ,uc# vulnera7le individuals may take on some of t#e worst as.ects of t#e models and may t#ere7y #arm t#emselves. "#e notion= t#erefore= t#at #umans normally release t#eir aggression #armlessly w#en t#ey witness anger or violence does not fit t#e facts. ,tudies of .eo.le:s indirectly e9.ressing t#emselves angrily 7y viewing films= reading violent stories= #aving #ostile fantasies= or ot#erwise using indirect means of anger cat#arsis #ave s#own even less evidence for t#e value of a7reaction t#an #ave studies of overt #ostility. +eonard $erkowit8= in a .a.er on <"#e &ffects of 7serving Liolence=< found t#at watc#ing violence generates more violent reactions in many .eo.le. "#e Aational Commission on t#e Causes and Prevention of Liolence su7mitted a re.ort indicating= according to ,.&. Oews and Norld -eport, t#at <television #as 7een loaded wit# violence. )t is teac#ing American c#ildren moral and social values :inconsistent wit# a civili8ed society.:< "#e ,urgeon Beneral:s ,cientific Advisory Committee on "elevision and ,ocial $e#avior also did a s.ecial study of c#ildren:s viewing television violence and concluded t#at t#ere e9ists <fairly su7stantial e9.erimental evidence for s#ort-run causation of aggression among some c#ildren 7y viewing violence on t#e screen. ... &9tensive violence viewing .recedes some long-run manifestations of aggressive 7e#avior.< Many aut#ors= including Lictor $. Cline= Arnold Arnold= and HacCues-P#ili..e +eyens and #is coworkers #ave s#own t#at t#e witnessing of violent films 7y c#ildren and adults will #el. increase feelings and acts of aggression. Al7ert $andura and Clarissa 3itten7erg #ave summed u. some of t#e data as follows! "#is 7ody of researc# .oints u. t#e fallacies in several .o.ular ideas. ne is t#at violence only affects t#ose w#o are already

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violent or deviant and involved in aggression. "#is #as not 7een 7orne out. All viewers tend to 7e affected. Aormal c#ildren also learn and are encouraged to .erform aggressive acts 7y viewing t#em under certain circumstances. Anot#er idea is t#at if .arents instill in t#eir c#ildren adeCuate standards of w#at is rig#t or wrong= t#e violence t#ey see will <was# over t#em.< )t was clearly demonstrated t#at even w#ere c#ildren can la7el 7e#avior as 7ad or wrong= t#ey may imitate it if it was successful= and t#e conflicts would 7e resolved more often 7y a reevaluation downward of t#e wort# or t#e role of t#e victim. 3#et#er or not t#e o7served aggressive acts are successful 7ecomes more im.ortant t#an t#e moral value of t#ese aggressive acts. Per#a.s t#e most .rominent idea w#ic# #as 7een Cuestioned is t#at of cat#arsis. "#ere is no evidence t#at viewing violence= at least in most forms= dissi.ates aggressive drives and makes a .erson more #ealt#y. )n fact= it #as 7een demonstrated t#at a frustrated viewer watc#ing violence would 7ecome less in#i7ited and more likely to act on violent im.ulses. Many ot#er studies= suc# as t#at 7y Mary $. Harris and Beorge ,amerott= also .resent evidence against t#e #ydraulic view of anger! t#e view t#at you #ave to vent your anger in some overt or fantasi8ed form or else it flows out of you in violent or self-#arming ways. Hack &. Hokanson summari8es many of t#e studies in t#is field 7y noting t#at <t#e results s#ow clearly t#at overt aggression does not inevita7ly lead to eit#er .#ysiological tension reduction or a reduction in su7seCuent aggression.< )f anyt#ing= t#ese studies indicate t#at in our culture <aggression will #ave at least a tem.orary arousal-reducing effect= and t#at t#e likeli#ood of future violence will 7e en#anced.< )n anot#er view of anger-inciting studies= %ic#ard 3alters concludes t#at <t#e series of studies re.orted a7ove lend considera7le su..ort to t#e 7elief t#at t#e o7servation of violence in real life or on film or television can #ave #armful social conseCuences.< 3#ic# means? "#at t#e view t#at you:d 7etter let out your anger and cat#artically let ot#ers know #ow you feel= or at t#e very least

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let it out sym7olically 7y viewing violent films or ot#er re.resentations= re.resents a nice t#eoryD7ut one #ardly 7orne out 7y t#e factsF %ollo May t#eori8es t#at violence stems largely from naivete or innocence and t#at if we #ave greater knowledge= acce.t t#e evils of t#e world= and work at ac#ieving our own individuality w#ile at t#e same time acknowledging our social res.onsi7ility= we will feel less #ostile. He makes some good .oints. @nowledge itself .ro7a7ly won:t make us unangry at ot#ers. $ut if we acce.t ourselves and ot#ers with our and t#eir evils= we will sto. commanding t#at t#ese evils not e9ist and will make ourselves less #ostile. Acknowledging social res.onsi7ility in itself also does not eliminate #ostilityDand may actually increase it. )f ) acknowledge t#at ):d 7etter treat you fairly and let you live and do your own t#ing= as long as it does not interfere too seriously wit# mine= ) will tend to acce.t t#e reality of my living as a social .erson and will not #ate you w#en you want me to treat you nicely or ;ustly. ,o res.onsi7ility= in t#at sense= lets me #ave a #ig#er frustration tolerance and t#erefore feel less angry at you and at t#e world. At t#e same time= #owever= ) can easily say= <$ecause K act res.onsi7ly= you s#ould do so= tooF And 7ecause you don:t do w#at you should, you are a rotten .erson w#o #ardly deserves a good e9istenceF< 3it# t#is kind of <res.onsi7le< t#inking= ) can easily make myself angry at you. ,imilarly= 7y striving for more individuality= ) can eit#er 7elieve= <) want w#at ) want= 7ut if ) don:t get it= and you don:t give it to me= toug#F< r! <) need w#at ) want= and if ) don:t get it= and you 7lock me from ac#ieving it= #ow awfulF< )n t#e latter case= ) may make myself #ostile. )nnocence= in ot#er words= does not merely include my seeing t#e world as a nonevil= marvelous .lace. More im.ortant= it may include my demandingnessDmy 7elieving t#at t#e world must not #ave evil in it and t#at it has to work t#e way ) want it to work. 3it# t#is kind of a7solutistic innocence= ) will .ro7a7ly make myself angry. Psyc#oanalytic and .rimal t#era.ies #old t#at .eo.le #ave to get in touc# wit# t#eir .ast #ostility toward t#eir .arents and t#e in-

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tense rage t#ey felt w#en young in order to work t#roug# t#eir #ostility today. "#is is often a mistaken view! Ao good evidence e9ists for it and considera7le facts are directly contradictory. First= many c#ildren don:t rage t#at 7adly w#en t#ey feel frustrated. "#ey certainly don:t like it= 7ut t#ey fairly calmly .ersevere and do not act like little gods w#o must not get frustrated. ,econd= w#en c#ildren do w#ine and scream= inwardly or outwardly= a7out t#eir .arents: frustrating 7e#avior= t#eir own tendencies to enrage t#emselves are t#e real issue= not merely t#e acts of t#eir .arents. "o say t#at t#ese acts made t#em angry is often false. =hey caused t#eir own screaming about t#eir frustrations. ,imilarly= if t#ey #ave an allergy to= say= gra.efruit and t#eir .arents kee. feeding t#em gra.efruit= we cannot conclude t#at t#eir .arents made t#em >e9ce.t genetically? allergic or caused t#em to 7reak out in a ras#. "#eir .arents contributed to t#eir allergic reactions 7ut didn:t truly cause t#em. "#ird= even some #ig#ly vulnera7le c#ildren= once t#ey get frustrated early in life and inwardly or outwardly scream a7out frustrations= manage to come to terms wit#= sto. screaming a7out= and ultimately acce.t t#em. nly some c#ildren grow into adults w#o seem to remem7er t#e original frustration and screaming forever= .laguing t#emselves a7out it many years after it first occurred. Finally= even w#en self-.laguing adults yell and scream today a7out w#at #a..ened many years ago= t#ey freCuently make t#emselves more rat#er t#an less angry at t#eir .arents for frustrating t#emDand more angry a7out t#e <insults< and <#orrors< t#at t#e world foists on t#em. "#eir <unre.ressing< t#eir anger usually #el.s t#em to escalate it rat#er t#an to give it u.. nly if t#ey sto. 7elieving= today= t#at t#eir .arents should have treated t#em 7etter= and are total worms for not doing so= will t#ey likely surrender t#eir feelings of anger. ,uc# a c#ange in t#eir $elief ,ystem is unlikely in various kinds of .rimal t#era.ies. Most .eo.le w#o feel very angry know Cuite well #ow t#ey feel and only occasionally do not know it. Most of t#em seem too much in touc# wit# t#eir feelingsDand conseCuently kee. making t#emselves angry all t#e time.

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'43

Almost any t#era.ist can= of course= 7ring out <#idden< anger 7y inducing clients to scream= to go t#roug# .ainful .#ysical e9ercises= to 7eat .illows= or to remem7er <#orri7le< c#ild#ood incidents. How muc# of t#is anger re.resents unconscious or re.ressed #ostility= #owever= and #ow muc# does t#e t#era.ist presently incite? Answer! Muc# of it may fall in t#e latter rat#er t#an t#e former category. %emem7er= in t#is connection= t#at according to %&$" t#eory= we naturally and easily ma1e ourselves angryG #ave an underlying 7iosocial tendency to do so. ConseCuently= if ) as your t#era.ist get you to .layact anger toward me or a mem7er of your grou.= forci7ly restrain you so you cannot move= .oke you in t#e gut= or im.ly t#at your mot#er really was a 7itc# for unduly restricting you= ) will #ave no trou7le in #el.ing you make yourself angry right now. Having a talent for foolis#ly inciting yourself= you will usually follow my instigative lead and will make yourself ;ust a7out as angry as ) want you to feel. $ut t#is #ardly .roves t#at= all along= you really did violently #ate me= or your mot#er= and t#at ) now #ave merely made you conscious of t#is feeling. Pro7a7ly= for t#e most .art= you really like me= and your mot#er= 7ut you occasionally feel #ostility toward us. "#is #ardly constitutes serious <unconscious< rage on your .art. "#era.y-instigated anger= t#erefore= rarely re.resents your true or 7asic feeling= only occasionally reveals your general resentment= freCuently e9aggerates #ow angry you feelDand may encourage you to make yourself angrier t#an you usually would. )t 7oosts t#e t#era.ist:s egoDand= often= #inders you. )f you #ave a t#era.ist w#o seems o7sessed wit# your getting in touc# wit# your angry feelings= rat#er t#an #el.ing you acknowledge and give them up, you:d 7etter sus.ect #is own motivationsDand run to anot#er t#era.ist as soon as .ossi7leF "#eodore )saac %u7in #olds t#at real anger leads to warmt# and #ealt# and seems as necessary as eating or loving. He im.lies t#at if your anger takes t#e form of s.ontaneous= direct e9.ression of feelings of dis.leasure= we can t#en call it <real< and look forward to cultivating rat#er t#an su..ressing it. "#is view #as its dangers. "o use a term like real anger amounts to using a term like real love. All love= as ) #ave said in =he #merican

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&exual =ragedy and ot#er writings= is <real< loveDw#et#er s#ort or enduring= mild or .assionate= con;ugal or romantic. -eal mainly means e9istentDand not ideal. ,o wit# anger. Lirtually all anger falls under t#e #eading of <real=< and it seems to consist of two fairly clear-cut factors! >1? sincere and sometimes .rofound disa..ointment w#en someone treats you unfairly or 7adly and >2? t#e )rrational $elief t#at t#is unfair or 7ad treatment s#ould not= must not e9ist= and t#at its .er.etrator is a totally rotten individual. "#e more sincerely= directly= aut#entically= and s.ontaneously you e9.erience anger= t#e more it seems to include 7ot# t#ese factors. %u7in means t#at w#en .eo.le treat you unfairly= you can feel intense disa..ointment= sorrow= regret= and frustration= and t#at this element of anger often #as a #ealt#y Cuality 7ecause it #el.s you go after w#at you want and fig#t against t#e in;ustices of t#e world. %u7in fails to define anger very accurately and also 7elieves it aids love. ) 7elieve it often does ;ust t#e o..osite. "#e more you e9.ress your sincere disa..ointment wit# .eo.le:s 7ad 7e#avior= t#e more t#ey tend to feel turned off= less loving. ,ometimes= of course= t#ey agree t#at t#ey #ave disa..ointed you in some ways= and t#ey c#ange t#ose ways= t#us #el.ing create a warm and #ealt#y relations#i. 7etween t#e two of you. $ut often not#ing of t#e sort #a..ensF Moreover= w#en you e9.ress downrig#t angerDno matter #ow directly and s.ontaneously you give vent to itDyou im.ly t#at ot#ers do not #ave t#e rig#t to disa..oint you and t#at t#ey t#us are no good. "#is almost always turns t#em off and leads t#em to return #atred rat#er t#an love. ccasionally= if you e9.ress great #ostility toward someone for w#om you truly care= you will make yourself so contrite t#at you will act muc# 7etter after a.ologi8ing t#at your love for t#em and t#eirs for you may increase. Also= if t#ey #ave sufficiently strong .ositive attitudes toward you to 7egin wit#= your anger may ins.ire t#em to go out of t#eir way to make amends to you and to cement your relations#i.. ccasionallyF $ut don:t count on it. )n most cases love 7egets love= and #ate 7egets #ate. Hay @uten= along wit# "#eodore %u7in and Beorge $ac#= also develo.s t#e t#esis t#at rewarding se9ual love reCuires a ;oint recognition of individual integrity= w#ic# you and a .artner can en#ance

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'40

7y ada.tive e9c#anges of anger. "#e first .art of @uten:s t#esis makes good sense since you will not likely love anyone else too muc# if you do not first acce.t yourself and strive for a goodly degree of individual integrity. $ut normally you would attain suc# integrity 7y assertiveness= not 7y #ostility. )f you s#ow your .artner t#at you want some degree of individuality and t#at you will= if necessary= 7reak u. t#e relations#i. if you don:t get it= you will #ave a greater likeli#ood of ultimately forming a warm and lasting relations#i. t#an if you angrily insist t#at your mate not frustrate you. Assertiveness and good love relations#i.s correlate fairly #ig#lyG #ostility and love do notF You may wonder a7out rage-reduction tec#niCues= suc# as t#at of 2r. %o7ert Qaslow= w#ere a t#era.ist and a mem7er of a t#era.eutic grou. deli7erately tickle a .erson= #old #im down= and t#row taunts and invectives designed to enrage t#at .ersonDuntil #e feels rela9ed and assertive rat#er t#an enraged. Almost any t#era.eutic tec#niCue will workDsometimes. Fig#t t#era.ists= suc# as Beorge $ac#= sometimes endorse it= and are sure t#at Qaslow:s claims are valid. ,ays Qaslow! <):m doing for rage w#at Freud did for se9. "oday= rage is socially unacce.ta7le= ;ust as se9 used to 7e. $ut rage is really est#etic. 3#en t#e tiger goes for #is food in t#e ;ungle= it:s an est#etic e9.ression. "#at:s t#e only way #e can survive= and #e:s 7eautiful at it. As 2ante said= #ell is a .lace waiting for #eaven to s#ine t#roug#. %age is #ell= and rage reduction .ro.els you into #eaven.< $rave wordsF $ut t#e actual results don:t always seem to 7ear t#em out. ,everal clients of t#era.ists using rage-reduction met#ods #ave re.orted feeling #armed. Alt#oug# some individuals #ave .ro7a7ly received #el. 7y t#ese rigorous met#ods= ) would dou7t w#et#er t#ey more t#an tem.orarily overcame t#eir feelings of dee.-seated #ostility and would guess t#at most of t#em ended u. more #ostile. t#er unfortunate results of t#is kind of treatment seem common and sometimes fairly severe. 2r. Hyman ,.otnit8 #as commented= <"#e new develo.ment of encouraging .#ysical contact wit# .atients= ) am sorry to say= leads to violent out7ursts= as my own e9.erience of many years ago s#owed. "#erefore= ) do not

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encourage suc# actions. A study of t#e literature and case re.orts: will s#ow t#at w#ere t#era.ists unnecessarily touc# t#eir .atients or I struggle wit# t#em .#ysically= t#e t#era.y is unsuccessful.< Frit8 Perls claimed t#at we #ave to give in to our aggression and e9.ress it directly toward ot#ers or toward t#e world 7ecause ) ot#erwise we will reflect it and take it out on ourselves. ) disagree 3 e can= of course= refuse to dis.lay our anger toward ot#ers an t#en condemn ourselves for failing to do so. )n t#is case t#is ange may 7e reflected 7ack onto ourselves. $ut we can also= and .ro7a7l more likely= directly take out our anger on ot#ersD and t#en also condemn ourselves for doing t#is. "#e main .oint t#at many fail t reali8e in t#eir anger t#era.ies is t#at no #ydraulic force e9ists t#a makes us angry #ere >t#at is= against ot#ers?. ur attitude toward our none9.ression may well make us feel de.ressed and self-downing. $ut t#e strain of not e9.ressing our feelings remains like t#e strain o ot#er kinds of none9.ression! a moderate strain t#at we can ily eas master. As a dia7etic ) strain myself to forgo eating sugar= w#ic# ) really like to eat= 7ut ) merely tell myself= <"oug#F ,ugar does m muc# more #arm t#an goodG so ) will force myself to give it u..< feel only moderate strain= and no anger against t#e world= from m decision to for7ear. As a #uman= ) may strain myself to forgo e9.ressing my feelings of anger toward my 7oss or my .artner w#en ):d feel goodD - tem .orarilyFD a7out letting t#em out. ) t#en may foolis#ly tell myself= <) shouldn Y #ave to control my anger. )n fact= ) wouldn:t feel angry at all if t#at louse didn:t act t#e way #e does. 3#y can:t #e c#ange= and not make me angry or= at least= let me e9.ress my anger? And w#y can:t ) :strongly: e9.ress it and take t#e conseCuences= t#ere7y .roving #ow no7le ) am?< $ecause of t#ese irrational ideas= ) may make a federal case out of not e9.ressing my angerDand therefore ) c#oose to turn it inward and take it out on myself. $ut ) stop can t#is cra8y kind of t#inking and acting if ) c#oose.

More 3ays of vercoming Anger

"#e rational a..roac# to anger involves a #ard#eaded= .ersistent= relentless effort to admit t#at you feel enraged rat#er t#an merely annoyedG t#at you largely 7roug#t on t#ese feelings yourselfG t#at you are res.onsi7le for continuing to feel t#em and can distinctly control and reduce t#em= alt#oug# .ro7a7ly never to a7solute 8eroG t#at t#ey mainly 7ring you considera7ly more #arm t#an goodG and t#at it would seem advisa7le= t#oug# #ardly necessary= for you to ameliorate and often eliminate your angry feelings. You may accom.lis# t#is t#roug#! Revie" of pragmatic results Al7ert $andura:s investigations of #ostility and t#e o.erant conditioning t#eories of $. F. ,kinner call to our attention t#ree ma;or facts. >1? Anger and violence rarely arise from <good< social interactions 7ut generally follow from e9.eriences t#at includeDor t#at appear to includeDserious frustrations and unfairnesses. >2? nce we react in certain #ostile ways to frustrations and annoyances= we are reinforced and .enali8ed 7y our actions. Hostility eit#er reinforces us 7y #el.ing us to remove t#e stimuli t#at we find o7no9ious '44

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or it 7rings us ot#er satisfactions >suc# as t#e .leasure of feeling su.erior to t#e .eo.le we fig#t?. r else #ostility .enali8es us >#el.s us 7ring on counterattacks from t#ose we #ate and attack= for instance?. >(? After getting reinforced or .enali8ed for our aggressive feelings and moves= we finally can weig# t#e s#ort-term and longterm advantages and disadvantages of t#e results we ac#ieve and can= on a .ragmatic 7asis= reduce frustrating conditions in t#e future and at least semirationally decide #ow we will react to remaining frustrations. For e9am.le= ) #ave .romised to s#are an a.artment wit# you and= after .ersuading you to go to great e9.ense to fi9 it u.= #ave refused to move in wit# you. ) #ave t#us set u. a set of frustrating conditions for you to deal wit#. )f you t#en c#oose to feel and act angrily toward me= you will get reinforcements and .enalties. n t#e reinforcing side= you may remove yourself from my frustrating .resence= influence me to make some restitution= and feel vastly su.erior to me since you act <good< and ) act <7ad.< n t#e .enali8ing side= you may encourage me to treat you still worse in t#e future= 7e disa..roved of 7y some of our mutual friends= and consume valua7le time and energy futilely trying to get restitution from me. "#ese reinforcements and .enalties will tend= consciously or unconsciously= to make you feel more or less #ostile w#en similar unfairness occurs in your life. Finally= after feeling angry at me for Cuite a w#ile and .er#a.s instituting vindictive feuding wit# me= you >as a #uman? can constructively review t#e entire situation wit# me and .ut it in t#e conte9t of your general life. You can decide= for e9am.le= t#at your anger #as some advantagesD7ut t#at it also #el.s you get an ulcer or #ig# 7lood .ressure and t#erefore 7rings you more #arm t#an good. You can decide t#at your #ostility makes you feel su.erior to meD 7ut t#at t#is kind of an ego game really isn:t very rewarding. You can decide t#at you can live successfully wit# your .leasure at your anger D 7ut t#at you could live more #a..ily if you arranged to stay away from .eo.le like me in t#e future and t#us could sto. t#e frustrations t#at we would .ro7a7ly foist u.on you. )f= in ot#er words= you make yourself fully aware= in $andura:s

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terms= of #ow frustrations contri7ute to your anger= of w#at kinds of reinforcements and .enalties immediately tend to accom.any your angry feelings= and of w#at long-term conseCuences may result even from your <rewarding< angry <victories=< you make a full-scale analysis of t#e com.le9 roots of your #ostility. A wide range of solutions t#en 7ecome availa7le including c#anging t#e frustrating stimuli or Activating &vents t#at contri7ute to your angry feelings= arranging for different kinds of reinforcers and .enalties t#at will tend to make you feel less angry w#en still faced wit# o7no9ious stimuli= taking a long-range instead of a s#ort-range #edonistic view of t#e advantages and disadvantages of #ostility= and c#anging your .#iloso.#ic outlook toward frustrating .eo.le and events= so t#at again you make t#em seem less rage .rovoking. $andura= ,kinner= and ot#er advocates of social-reinforcement t#eories of anger seem to re.eat t#e ancient Breek adage! @nowledge eCuals .ower. "#e more you understand t#e 7iological= social= cognitive= and ot#er sources of your angry feelings and actions= t#e greater your c#ance of c#anging and controlling influences on you and of looking for more .ractical solutions to frustrations. Frustration reduction Alt#oug# frustration does not seem to directly or invaria7ly cause anger= it certainly significantly contri7utesF Most #umans w#o suffer severe de.rivation for considera7le .eriods of time #ave a strong tendency to u.set t#emselves a7out t#isDand to las# out angrily at frustrating .eo.le or conditions. Alt#oug#= t#erefore= you #ad 7etter work to raise your frustration tolerance and to reduce your w#ining a7out t#e unniceties of t#e universe= you can also wisely work to reduce t#ese frustrations t#emselves. You don2t #ave to work at a 7oring ;o7= stay wit# annoying friends= or let your mate or c#ildren kee. taking advantage of you. "em.orarily you may do yourself a lot of good 7y deli7erately remaining in t#ese un.leasant kinds of circumstances to work on your own low frustration tolerance and s#ow yourself t#at you can stand w#at you don:t like. "em.orarilyF $ut in t#e long run you almost always #ave

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IYour 7asic tendency to demand t#at frustration must not e9ist. IYour full acknowledgment t#at you have suc# a demand or com mand. And t#en= it is #o.ed! IYour reali8ation t#at you will almost inevita7ly defeat yourself unless you ameliorate or surrender your demandingness. IYour firm decision to give t#at u. and re.lace it wit# a desire 7ut not an a7solutistic insistence t#at you receive little frustration. IYour determinedly workingDcognitively= emotively= and 7e#aviorallyDto live u. to t#at decision. Your .#iloso.#y about frustration= t#en= seems t#e real issue= and even w#en you #ave little control over 7eing frustrated= you #ave several ways of modifying t#at .#iloso.#y. Counterattacking narcissism and grandiosity As Bregory %oc#lin .oints out= narcissism or c#ildis# grandiosity #as .rofound roots in #uman nature and tends to underlie muc# of our 7e#avior. 3e don:t merely want ot#ers to love and care for usG we utterly insist t#at t#ey do= and we freCuently feel com.letely s#attered w#en t#ey don:t. ,uc# s#attering is self-induced since we, rat#er t#an t#ey= down ourselves 7y our dire need for ot#ers: acce.tance. 3e often foolis#ly claim t#at they destroy us 7y re;ecting our <needs.< "#is freCuently leads to our feeling e9ce.tionally angry and acting violently against t#ose w#o .resuma7ly #ave <failed< us. %oc#lin em.#asi8es #ow often #ostility s.rings from wounded selfesteem and neglects its ot#er im.ortant sources. $ut #e does make a good .oint! Muc# of our fury against ot#ers originally arises from t#e <#urt< t#ey give usDt#e <#urt< to our narcissistic demands for a..roval. Coral" You can give u. your infantile narcissism if t#is is one of t#e main sources of your anger. You don:t have to run t#e universe. You don:t need to feel good a7out yourself mainly 7ecause ot#ers ac-

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knowledge your outstandingness. Ao reason e9ists w#y you must take t#e center of t#e stage or w#y you should even receive minimum res.ect from ot#ers. Ao= t#e world doesn 2t care too muc# for you and most likely never will. "#e more famous you get= moreover= t#e more enemies you may tend to make. "#e 7etter you 7e#ave toward many .eo.le= t#e more t#ey will take advantage of you. "#at:s t#e way it often is. "#e universe most .ro7a7ly #as no special interest in you. Aor ever will. Aow= #ow can you fully face and acce.t t#at <cruel=< <cold< fact and live #a..ily in s.ite of it? )f you can= one of t#e main sources of your #ostility to ot#ers will end. As 7ot# Freud and Adler noted many years ago and as ) #ave stated in my early writings on %ational &motive $e#avior "#era.y= muc# anger stems from c#ildis# grandiosity. As #umans we 7elieve t#at 7ecause t#e .ossi7ility e9ists t#at ot#ers can treat us very wellD in fact= s.eciallyDand 7ecause we:d greatly 7enefit from t#is wors#i.ful kind of treatment= t#ey should 7estow it on us. As H. Peters #as noted! "#ere #ave 7een .#iloso.#ers= suc# as $ertrand %ussell= w#o #ave #eld t#at ;ealousy is always ina..ro.riate as an emotion= 7asically 7ecause it .resu..oses un;ustifia7le claims to a s.ecial relations#i. wit# anot#er .erson. )f .syc#ologists could s#ow t#at #uman 7eings were una7le to avoid a..raising situations in t#is way= t#at would 7e an im.ortant assertion to make. For t#ere is a sense in w#ic# <oug#t< im.lies <can.< Peters somew#at overstates t#e case #ere. Humans tend to a..raise situations in t#is way= 7ut t#ey can avoid= at least to some e9tent= doing so. 3#enever you feel e9tremely angry at someone= you can fully face t#e fact t#at you inwardly state or im.ly a godlike command t#at t#is .erson ought to give you s.ecial treatment. You can t#en firmly ri. u. t#at ought many times and re.lace it wit# <) would find it very preferable if t#is .erson treated me s.ecially= 7ut t#e c#ances remain t#at #e or s#e often won:t=< and t#ere7y minimi8e your anger. C#ildis# grandiosity and ego aggrandi8ement create anger= in-

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eluding e9treme violence= on two sides of t#e intellectual-dullness continuum. n t#e dullness side= Hans "oc# found t#at a great many of t#e criminals w#om #e investigated= w#o in education and 7rig#tness clearly were on t#e dull #alf of t#e scale= could 7e classified as <self-image .romoters< or <re.utation defenders.< "#ey committed violent crimes largely 7ecause t#eir social .osition= .#ysical si8e= or grou. status seemed low and <o7ligated< t#em to com.ensate in a .#ysically violent wayD<a matter of:no7lesse o7lige=: so to s.eak=< as "oc# notes. At t#e ot#er end of t#e continuum= #ig#ly educated and intellectual .eo.le also overreact to <o..ression< and <ego insult< 7y 7e#aving very angrily and violently. "#eodore Bold= a twentyt#ree-year-old 3eat#erman w#o was killed in a dynamited town #ouse in Aew York w#ile assem7ling a 7om7 to fig#t for <li7erty=< told an old college friend 7efore #is deat#= <):ve 7een doing a lot of e9citing underground t#ings= and ) know ):m not afraid to die.< ne of #is 3eat#erman friends defended #is actions 7y stating= <3e don:t t#ink in terms of 7eing #a..y. 3e t#ink in terms of 7eing strong .eo.le.< 3atc# your own grandiosity and overre7elliousness. Certainly= t#e side you o..ose may 7e wrong and un;ust in some ways. ,urely= your own cause may seem muc# more #umane t#an <t#eirs.< $ut you never know indis.uta7ly t#at your way will lead to muc# more good t#an #arm and t#eirs to all kinds of #olocausts. $y all means= defend your own viewsDand fig#t= ver7ally and even actively= to see if you can get t#em to .revail. $ut watc# your grandiosityF 3atc# your dogmatismF "#e stronger you feel a7out a cause= t#e more you will likely ignore its limitations and disadvantages. "ry to 7ring t#ese incisively to mind= too. And see if you can determinedly go after w#at you wantDwit#out enraging yourself and insisting t#at 7ecause you find it rig#t and .ro.er= it must .revail. $iberali#ation of attitudes Attitudes toward ot#ers and #ow you <s#ould< react to t#em w#en t#ey treat you unfairly correlate significantly wit# your gen-

'04

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eral attitudes toward #umans and t#e rules t#ey <oug#t< to follow. ,tuart "aylor and Han ,mit# found t#at males wit# traditional 7eliefs reacted more #ostilely to t#eir o..onents t#an did males wit# more li7eral 7eliefs. )f= t#erefore= you want to cur7 your tendencies toward making yourself angry at ot#ers= you mig#t consider taking a distinctly more li7eral general view of t#e world t#an t#e conservative= traditional= or reactionary view t#at you now may #ave. %no"ledge of history History= as 2aniel H. $oorstin .oints out= .rovides us wit# many striking illustrations of t#e conseCuences of #ostility= ranging from t#e .rolonged wars in ancient )srael and Breece= to Hitler:s and ,talin:s #olocausts= and rig#t u. to t#e terrorism t#at still very muc# e9ists. Moreover= $oorstin reminds us= #istory also #el.s us scotc# our uto.ianism and res.ect our .ossi7ilities for .rogress! <"#e voice of t#e intellect=< o7served ,igmund Freud >w#o did not underestimate t#e role of t#e irrational? in 1524= <is a soft one= 7ut it does not rest until it #as gained a #earing. 0ltimately= after endlessly re.eated re7uffs= it succeeds. "#is is one of t#e view.oints in w#ic# one may 7e o.timistic a7out t#e future of mankind.< $eneat# t#e strident voice of t#e .resent we must try to #ear t#e insistent w#is.er of reason. )t does not sound strongly. )t s.eaks only to t#e attentive listener. )t s.eaks a language always unfamiliar and often arc#aic. )t s.eaks t#e language of all .ast times and .laces= w#ic# is t#e language of #istory. A"areness of the harm of anger and violence You mig#t t#ink t#at anger and violence #ave o7viously wreaked so muc# #arm on individuals and communities t#at virtually everyone= including yourself= #as full awareness of t#e #arm caused and uses t#is awareness to kee. from reacting irately to ot#ers. 3#at a wrong conclusionF You may indeed #ave a general awareness of

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some of t#e enormous disadvantages of rage= 7ut #ow often do you 7ring t#is general awareness into s.ecific focus and make yourself see e9actly w#at #arm you will most likely do yourself and ot#ers 7y making yourself enraged? ,eldom= ) would wagerF +et me 7riefly review some of t#e distinct disadvantages of resentment and anger t#at aut#orities on t#e su7;ect #ave .ointed out for many centuries! Focusing on reprisal Alt#oug# you ostensi7ly make yourself angry at ot#ers in order to .rotect yourself from t#eir wrong t#inking and 7e#aving= once you enrage yourself at t#ese <wrongdoers< you tend to lose sig#t of t#e real issues involved and to o7sess yourself wit# futile and #arminciting revenge. Milton ,c#we7el indicates t#at even fire7rands wit# legitimate grievances and good motivation to remove t#ese grievances often will <use any e9cuse to stimulate confrontations= not in order to rig#t wrongs or correct in;ustice 7ut to .rovoke re.risal and re.ression in order to tra. t#e great= uncommitted center to t#e side of revolution and anarc#y.< Abuse of "eaker individuals As ) .oint out elsew#ere in t#is 7ook= anger and even rig#teous indignation s.ur you to a7use some of your su7ordinates w#o act 7adly= including .owerless c#ildren over w#om you may= unfortunately= #ave control. )n recent years an enormous amount of evidence #as accumulated in regard to c#ild a7useDu. to and including maiming and killing of c#ildren 7y t#ousands of irate .arents. Most of our statistics in t#is regard come from #ig#ly <civili8ed< countries like t#e 0nited ,tatesDas s#own 7y suc# aut#orities as Lincent Fontana and #is associates= %ay &. Heifer and C. Henry @em.e= Aaomi F. C#ase= and 2avid B. Bil and 7y a large 7i7liogra.#y of <,elected %eferences on t#e A7used and $attered C#ild< .u7lis#ed 7y t#e Aational )nstitute of Mental Healt# Communication Center. $ut ot#er countries do ;ust as .oorly in t#is re-

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s.ect= as indicated 7y t#e statement of a $ritis# .syc#iatrist= 2r. Ho#n Howells= w#o told a %oyal ,ociety of Healt# conference t#at more c#ildren get 7eaten to deat# at #ome 7y .arents t#an ever died in t#e work#ouses of Lictorian &ngland. ,aid 2r. Howells! <"wo c#ildren die eac# day in t#e 0nited @ingdom killed 7y t#eir .arents . .. Many more are maimed in mind and 7ody.< Political violence Alt#oug# t#e nations of t#e 0nited Aations #ave so far managed to ward off anot#er ma;or #olocaust like 3orld 3ar ) and 3orld 3ar ))= almost innumera7le international and intranational conflicts continue to e9ist. Buerrilla warfare= #i;ackings= .olitical murders= kidna..ings= o.en warfare 7etween .olitical factions= and all kinds of terrorism remain rife in virtually every .art of t#e civili8ed and less civili8ed world today.

Religious "arfare
Hust as .olitical warfare stems from #atred of and 7igotry against ot#er grou.s= so does religious warfare. %eligious warfare reigns all over t#e world today= including various overt and covert wars 7etween Cat#olics and Protestants= Hews and C#ristians= Hews and Muslims= Muslims and C#ristians= Hindus and Muslims... eac# grou.= as usual= tends to 7elieve t#at its views are sacred and t#at its o..onent:s views are utterly wrongDand t#at t#erefore= t#e o..osing grou. #as to 7e denounced= downed= and .refera7ly eradicated. &ven mem7ers of .eace-loving grou.s= suc# as Hews and C#ristians= turn to 7loods#ed and murder w#en t#ey make t#emselves grandiosely angry against mem7ers of ot#er religious grou.s. &elief in the po"er ofaversive harm Anger freCuently includes t#e unwarranted 7elief t#at if you deal wit# ot#ers aversively and .ainfully w#en t#ey disagree wit# you= t#ey will learn 7y t#is aversive e9.erience and will c#ange t#eir

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ways. How seldom t#ey willF 0sually= as Ada# Maurer and #er associates .oint out= .eo.le w#o suffer aversive res.onses to t#eir aversive 7e#avior learn t#at #urting ot#ers serves as an acce.ta7le met#od of gaining .ower. "#ey t#erefore often retaliate in kind rat#er t#an sto. t#eir vindictive 7e#avior. +ove 7egets love= and #ate freCuently 7egets #ate. Punis#ing ot#ers encourages t#em to .unis# 7ack in return. A vicious circle of violence leading to more violence ensues. Prejudice against self and others Hatred of ot#ers often leads you to view t#em as devils incarnate= and to magnify t#eir .ossession of <evil< traits. Curiously enoug#= 7y attri7uting to t#em t#ese traits and using t#em as an e9cuse for your own #atred= you freCuently act 7ad yourself= and may end u. wit# a dou7ly negative view of #umans. "#en= #ating yourself for your angry feelings= you may drive yourself to #ating ot#ers even more. As Marie Ha#oda notes= <2es.ising ot#ers 7ecomes a way of trying to 7olster one:s own s#aky self-esteem 7y making ot#ers seem more inferior or contem.ti7le. )n fact= t#e only way some .eo.le can salvage t#eir own self-res.ect is to feel :lucky: t#ey are not a Aegro= Cat#olic= an )talianDor w#oever is set u. as t#e sca.egoat for t#eir own secret misery.< Taking on characteristics of those you hate )ronically= you tend to #ate ot#ers for t#eir .oor c#aracteristics D 7ullying= .re;udice= violence= arroganceDand t#roug# #ating t#em and ;ustifying almost any action you can .er.etrate to sto. t#em= you freCuently take on t#e very features t#at you may loat#e. As ) #ave .ointed out for many years= if you t#oroug#ly #ate Hitler= you tend to turn into a HitlerDone w#o condemns ot#ers in t#eir entirety 7ecause #e dislikes some of t#eir traits. 3illiam )rwin "#om.son .oints out t#at <we 7ecome w#at we #ate< and notes t#at <in watc#ing t#e conflict of t#e )ris# "rou7les= t#e 2u7lin yogi= Beorge 3illiam %ussell= develo.ed t#e ma9im into a .rinci.le of .olitical science! :$y intensity of #atred nations create in t#emselves t#e

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c#aracteristics t#ey imagine in t#eir enemies. Hence it is t#at .assionate conflicts result in t#e interc#ange of c#aracteristics.: < Anger as a "pain in the gut" $ecause we often feel #ig#ly .leased and self-rig#teous w#en we e9.erience anger= we forget t#at we also e9.erience it as a <.ain in t#e gut<Dand as a distracting= o7sessive feeling t#at .revents us from doing many ;oyful t#ings and t#at freCuently leads to selfdestruction. Paul Hauck= in )vercoming 8rustration and #nger, rig#tly notes t#at letting yourself get angry w#en someone tries to <get your goat< only does you dou7le in;ury. He states! "#ere are two statements ) usually make to myself w#ic# #el. me kee. my cool. "#e first is t#at ) am not Bod and am neurotic to insist ) #ave to #ave my way. "#is usually cools me off nicely. However= if t#at doesn:t do t#e trick= ) always t#row in t#is ne9t t#oug#t. <Hauck= 7e smart= someone is trying to s#aft you. "#at:s 7ad enoug#= old 7oy. ,urely you:re not going to 7e dum7 now and do to yourself w#at t#at fellow is trying to do. Ao= sirF May7e #e doesn:t give a #oot a7out my feelings= 7ut ) sure do. "#erefore= ):m going to forci7ly talk myself out of t#e angry mood w#ic# is 7eginning to come over me.< Having trou7le is one t#ing= and it:s often unavoida7le. $ut making double trouble for myself is anot#er matter entirely. 'nterference "ith individuality "ithin groups Alfred McClung +ee .oints out t#at grou. solidarity or grou. egotism may #ave certain advantages 7ut #as distinct disadvantages as wellG t#at grou.s do not consist of individuals w#o act e9actly like eac# ot#er= w#o #ave t#e same tastes and .references. ne disadvantage of grou. solidarity is t#e enormous intragrou. .re;udice and #ostility t#at it 7reeds. ,ays +ee! <A.ologists for grou.-egotism

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.raise its contri7ution to t#e .artici.ant individual:s sense of identity wit# one s.ecific .art of a .luralistic society. $ut w#at of its cost in intergrou. #ostility= e9.loration= and 7loods#ed. "#ink of t#e untold millions . .. w#o #ave died or lived in de.rivation 7ecause of t#eir grou. identityF< 2r. +ee could well #ave added se9 warfare to #is list of grou. ego centeredness. Certainly women #ave for many centuries 7een ke.t at a certain level in our society and males #ave acted c#auvinistically to kee. t#em t#ereD7ecause of grou. egotism and neglect of societal individuality. Aow some feminist women tend to go to t#e same e9treme and are overw#elmingly #ostile to males= glo7ally rating almost all men as 7astards and carrying on w#at amounts to se9 warfare. "#is .revents t#ese women from seeing males as #umans and in t#e long run .ro7a7ly makes for greater se9 antagonism. Males= of course= w#o violently fig#t against feminism are in t#e same defensive= #ating 7oat. $ot# sets of e9tremists nicely <identify< wit# ideal masculinity and feminityDnone of w#om ever seem to e9istDand gain <strengt#=< or w#at ) call false integrity= 7y feeling and acting #ostilely toward t#e ot#er #alf of t#e #uman race. 'nterference "ith activism %evolutionists usually insist t#at only t#roug# making ourselves e9ce.tionally incensed at in;ustices and ineCuities can we work to c#ange .oor social conditions. Partly trueDand largely wrongF As Hanna# Arendt #as indicated= violent riots and re7ellions give t#eir .artici.ants a false sense of action= freCuently include wrong moves on t#e .art of t#e re7els= and tend to im.ede t#e careful .lanning= constructive action= and long-term follow-u. .rocedures t#at would result in effective social c#ange. 2ramatic out7ursts may serve as a .relude to constructive reorgani8ation= 7ut t#ey freCuently do not. ut7ursts of ver7al anger= moreover= can continue for years or decades and= if anyt#ing= .revent .eo.le from doing somet#ing a7out t#e e9ecra7le conditions against w#ic# t#ey kee. violently .rotesting. 7etermined >rat#er t#an #ysterical? rebellion against society or its

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'3'

lected mem7ers of t#at grou.= #aving a .roductive and en;oya7le vocational life= and engaging in c#osen and satisfying recreational .ursuits. $ut intense feelings of anger #el. us to seek un#ealt#y as well as #ealt#y goals. )f we unangrily looked at t#ese un#ealt#y goals= we would tend to see t#em as #aving du7ious value. (vergenerali#ed and unfair discrimination 3#en we anger ourselves against a grou. of individuals= we tend to overgenerali8e and discriminate against even t#ose w#o act muc# differently from t#e ot#ers w#ose 7e#avior we mig#t ot#erwise tend to favor. 'gnoring long)range values Anger #el.s you look only at s#ort-range rat#er t#an at longrange values and gains. As Mars#all Bilula and 2avid A. 2aniels #ave s#own= one of t#e ma;or o7stacles to our minimi8ing violence is our slowness to recogni8e t#at a violent style of co.ing wit# .ro7lems will often soot#e current feelings and lead to immediate satisfactionsD7ut t#at in t#e long run it will #el. destroy us and ultimately= .er#a.sDin some final nuclear #olocaustDt#e entire #uman race. The perpetuation of disturbance Anger often involves some kind of tem.oraryDor .ermanentD emotional distur7ance. $ut w#en you indulge yourself in anger= you deny t#at you feel distur7ed and t#us 7lock your a7ility to deal wit# and .ossi7ly eliminate your distur7ance. )n e9treme cases you rage Cuite neurotically. You and your raging o..onents may distract yourselves from acknowledging your severe distur7ances and from doing anyt#ing to ameliorate t#em. )n fact= your anger serves as a ;ustification for your u.setness and .rovides you wit# a neurotic gain= and tends to kee. you 7ot# angry and violent.

'3*
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"#e angrier you make yourself at ot#ers w#o #old o..osing views and t#e more you e9.ress t#at anger= t#e less you tend to #el. t#em c#ange t#eir views and come around to yours. n t#e contrary= t#ey usually feel more ;ustified in o..osing you and claiming t#at your rage proves you wrong. ncouraging feelings of depression Anger may sometimes #el. you cover u. or avoid feelings of de.ression= and= if so= it seems an advantageous reaction. $ut it can also lead to de.ressed feelings. For if you merely feel frustrated a7out somet#ing= you rarely make yourself de.ressed. $ut if you feel frustrated and dogmatically insist= to yourself and ot#ers= t#at t#is frustration should not= must not e9ist and t#at you find it awful t#at it does= you will not only anger yourself 7ut often de.ress yourself as well. For if 7ad t#ings must not e9ist= and t#ey indu7ita7ly do= you can easily conclude t#at you #ave no .ower w#atever over suc# t#ings= t#at t#ey will always e9ist= and t#at you can:t stand t#em. )f= instead of ranting and raving a7out frustrations= you focus on doing somet#ing to co.e wit# t#em and t#ink a7out #ow your angry 7e#avior may augment t#em= you may #el. yourself feel neit#er angry nor de.ressed.
Psychosomatic reactions

Anger= 7ot# su..ressed and overt= can easily result in .syc#osomatic reactions= including #ig# 7lood .ressure= #eart .ro7lems= ulcers= and various ot#er .#ysical conditions. Alt#oug# we often dramati8e t#e effect of une9.ressed anger= evidence s#ows t#at e9.ressed rage also encourages .#ysical .ain and dysfunction.
*enocide

As noted a7ove= anger-ins.ired wars #ave e9isted since time immemorial and still doF A most vicious as.ect of war includes

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genocide= t#e deli7erate conCuering of an enemy grou. and t#e com.lete e9tir.ation= if .ossi7le= of t#at grou.. Aaturally= we t#ink of Hitler in t#is res.ect and of #is .lans to e9terminate t#e entire Hewis# and By.sy .o.ulation of BermanyDand= eventually= of t#e world. &9am.les of attem.ted e9tir.ation of an entire grou. of .eo.le e9ist in ancient and modern times. And almost invaria7ly t#ese genocidal attem.ts stem from intense anger against a w#ole grou. w#en= at worst= only some of its mem7ers #ave acted 7adly in t#e eyes of t#e e9terminators. "#is is real overgenerali8ation and conseCuent 7igotryF "#ese= t#en= re.resent some of t#e distinct disadvantages of resentment and anger t#at our awareness will #el. to eliminate. Here are some more ways of working against your angry feelings and actions. +nderstanding attribution theory 3#en someone treats us in a certain way= .articularly a frustrating or unfair way= we tend to attri7ute various motives to t#is .erson= and we make ourselves more or less angry de.ending on t#e motives t#at we c#oose to attri7ute to #im. )n recent years a num7er of social .syc#ologists #ave .ointed out t#e im.ortance of attri7ution t#eory in understanding #uman feelings and actions. %ussell Been and 2avid ,tonner= for e9am.le= set u. an e9.eriment w#ere7y male college studentsDafter #aving seen a violent movieDcould .resuma7ly .unis# someone w#o #ad ver7ally attacked t#em. 0nder one set of e9.erimental conditions t#e ot#er su7;ects learned t#at t#e fig#ting stemmed from .rofessional or altruistic motives and under anot#er set of conditions t#at it stemmed from revenge motives. "#e results s#owed t#at t#ose led 7y t#e e9.erimenters to attri7ute t#e fig#ting to revenge motives acted significantly more angrily and .unitively toward t#e .eo.le w#om t#ey su7seCuently .unis#ed t#an did t#ose w#o 7elieved t#at t#e fig#ting stemmed from altruistic motives. )f you #ave a tendencyDas you .ro7a7ly doDto attri7ute #ig#ly negative= vindictive motives to .eo.le w#o frustrate or attack you=

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force yourself to stop and !uestion your attributions and try to seeother .ossi7le reasons for t#e frustration or t#e attack. )n our usual illustration= ) renege on my .romise to s#are an a.artment wit# you= and you assume t#at! 1.) truly want to do you in. 2.) knew all along t#at ) would never s#are t#e a.artment wit# you and deli7erately misled you. (.) now #ave no good reasons for .ulling out of our deal= 7ut ) still viciously insist on .ulling out of it. *.) #ave no intention of com.ensating you in any way for t#e trou7le ) #ave caused you. ,to. and review t#e .ro7a7ility t#at ) really do #ave suc# vindictive motives. Consider my .ossi7le ot#er reasons for 7acking out on our deal= suc# as! 1.) #ad an #onest c#ange of #eart after first t#inking a7out t#e advantages of my living wit# you. 2.) cannot afford to go t#roug# wit# our deal= t#oug# ) would really like to do so. (.) t#ink t#at you #ave some#ow treated me unfairly= and t#ere fore= ) don:t want to s#are an a.artment wit# you. *."#e conditions of my life #ave radically c#anged= so t#at ) re ally would find it Cuite #andica..ing if ) went t#roug# wit# my original .lans for you. +ook for and c#eck your attri7utionsF t#ers freCuently frustrate= annoy= and treat you unfairly. $ut only rarely do t#ey do so 7ecause t#ey t#oroug#ly and .ersonally #ate youG only rarely do t#ey intend to act vindictively toward youG only rarely do t#ey #ave no good reasons for treating you t#e way t#ey do= or do t#ey fully admit t#e iniCuity of t#eir ways and still .ersist in .ursuing t#em. )n many instances t#ey #ave suc# severe distur7ances t#at t#ey cannot easily #el. treating you 7adlyG or t#ey #ave very little awareness of t#eir in;ustices to youG or t#ey 7elieve t#at t#ey cannot .ossi7ly solve some of t#eir own 7asic .ro7lems unless t#ey deal wit# you unfairly.

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,eek= if you .ossi7ly can= t#eir true motives and attitudes. And watc# your e9aggerated or invented attri7utionsF Combating romanticism and unrealism %omanticism and 0to.ian fantasi8ing #ave t#eir assets! "#ey give you somet#ing to look forward to in life= and w#ile you feel romantically o7sessed wit# a .erson or t#ing= you #ave some wonderfully e9#ilarating e9.eriences. Your .ro7lem= as usual= consists of escalating romantic wis#es and .references into rigorous demands and commands. )f you want Ms. Hones or Mr. ,mit# to love you devotedly and to #ave a continuing romantic involvement wit# you= fineF $ut if you a7solutely= dogmatically 7elieve t#at s#e or #e must #ave t#at kind of attac#ment= and #ave it .ractically forever= 7ewareF )ngrid $engis= aut#or of Combat in the Erogenous Xone and a selfconfessed man-#ater= sagely notes! <3#en ) was si9teen ) commented to an adult t#at in my o.inion all cynics were disa..ointed idealists. 3#at ) would add today is t#at most man-#aters are .ro7a7ly disa..ointed romantics. r at t#e very least= ) would say= t#at is w#at ) am.< ,o foster your own romanticism if you will. +ook for #ig#-level= imaginative= long-lasting involvements. $ut don:t command= don:t insistF You do not need t#e romantic attac#ments t#at you want. And if you 7elieve t#is= really 7elieve t#is= you will sto. #ating t#ose w#o don:t want to get into a ri.-roaring romantic relations#i. wit# you. (vercoming feelings of inade,uacy Many aut#orities correctly .oint out t#at feelings of #ostility can com.ensate for feelings of inferiority= since #ating ot#ers seems #ugely 7etter t#an downing oneself. 3riters on crime and violence= suc# as Marvin 3olfgang and Franco Ferracuti and Hans "oc#= s#ow #ow certain su7cultures in our society encourage t#eir mem7ers to t#ink t#at #ostility and t#e use of force #as fine= <manly< Cualities= and conseCuently certain immature .ersonalities in t#is

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su7culture tend to em.loy violence as a com.ensatory tool= to cover u. t#eir 7asic feelings of inadeCuacy. )f t#is t#esis #as a good deal to itDand it would seem t#at it .ro7a7ly #asDt#en one solution to t#e .ro7lem of anger and violence would consist of #el.ing 7asically immature individuals to act more maturely. "#is= of course= 7rings us rig#t 7ack to %&$" and to some of t#e .oints on anger we made in t#e first few c#a.ters. )f you want to minimi8e anger t#at stems from feelings of insecurity and inadeCuacy= read over t#is early material and learn to sto. downing yourself. Your traits= deeds= and .erformances may indeed fall far 7elow your desired level. For .ersonal reasons or 7ecause you come from a certain <lower< socioeconomic class= you may #ave many cards stacked against you and may do decidedly worse t#an many ot#er .eo.le. "oo 7adF Most unfortunateF A7ysmally unfairF $ut if you really do #ave inferior c#aracteristics or are looked down u.on for w#at your social grou. wrongly defines as <inferiorities=< you still do not #ave to see yourself as a 7ad .erson and deem yourself unwort#y of ;oy. "#e more you acce.t yourself unconditionallyD7ecause you choose to remain alive and to strive for #a..iness= and for no ot#er reasonsDt#e less you will #ave to cover u. your <inadeCuacy< wit# com.ensatory anger. "#is does not mean t#at you cannot rig#tly fig#t against social in;ustice or act as a re7el with a cause. You canF $ut try to do so 7ecause you want to rig#t wrongs and 7etter your own lifeDand not to .rove your <strengt#< or <manliness< or <no7ility.< 3#o needs t#at kind of self-;ustification? Answer! .eo.le w#o first foolis#ly .ut t#emselves down. Familiarity and ritualistic behavior Peter Marler= in studying t#e 7e#avior of animals and #umans= o7served t#at <.er#a.s t#e most su7tle and difficult to understand= and yet .er#a.s ultimately t#e most im.ortant= factor in reducing t#e .ro7a7ility of aggression is familiarity.< He notes t#at strangeness seems to stimulate conflict and fig#ting= w#ile living toget#er leads to more .eaceful coe9istence. He feels t#at some animals #ave

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t#e involved ritual of .rancing and .reening 7efore one anot#er in order to gain familiarity. @onrad +oren8 notes t#at t#e .romotion of .ersonal friends#i.s 7etween mem7ers of different grou.s and nations often goes a long way toward reducing #ostility. Ye#uda Amir= in reviewing t#e literature on contact in et#nic relations= o7serves t#at <t#ere is increasing evidence . . . to su..ort t#e view t#at contact 7etween mem7ers of et#nic grou.s tends to .roduce c#ange in attitude 7etween t#ese two grou.s< and t#at .re;udice is minimi8ed as t#is kind of social contact and mutual acce.tance increases. Morton 2eutsc# indicates t#at coo.erative and friendly contact will likely lead to conflict resolution 7ecause it encourages t#e recognition of t#e legitimacy of eac# .erson:s interests and of t#e desira7ility of searc#ing for a solution res.onsive to t#e wis#es of 7ot# sides. )t also leads to a trusting attitude t#at increases sensitivity to common interests= w#ile minimi8ing t#e im.ortance of differences t#at may lead to #ostility. You can sometimes reduce anger 7etween yourself and ot#ers 7y making yourself more t#oroug#ly familiar wit# t#em= and t#ey wit# you. "#e more acCuainted you 7ecome wit# strangers= t#e less danger you will tend to feel from t#emDand t#e less t#ey will tend to feel from you. "#is does not necessarily relate to close ties= since w#en you #ave a close friend= mate= or relative= you sometimes make yourself more angry and violent at #im t#an you would feel toward ot#ers= 7ecause you irrationally demand considerate treatment from t#is .erson w#ile you merely prefer it from ot#ers. #s Marvin 3olfgang and several ot#er students of crime #ave re.orted= #omicides and serious assaults generally occur among .eo.le w#o #ave a fairly close relations#i. wit# eac# ot#er. $ut if you will teac# yourself to e9.ect your close associates to act #umanly and falli7ly= your intimacy wit# t#em may decrease your angry de-mandingness. Fair fighting )n Creative #ggression $ac# and Bold7erg .resent a nine-ste. .rogram 7y w#ic# you may engage in a <fair fig#t< wit# one of your

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intimates. As t#ey note= <Fair fig#ting is not a ver7al free-for-all 7ut a controlled tec#niCue for assertive communication.< )t largely consists of formally reCuesting your o..onent for a fig#tG arranging an o.en #uddle and re#earsalG stating your 7eef and e9.laining #ow it affects youG getting your o..onent to state your 7eefs 7ack to #im and making sure t#at you accurately re.ort 7ack #is gri.esG asking your .artner to c#angeG #earing #is view after you carefully re.eat itG agreeing on c#ange or on no c#angesG and discussing= at a future meeting= t#e success or failure of your and your .artner:s agreement. "#e distinguis#ing features of fair fig#ting include! agreeing on a limited kind of fig#t= listening carefully to your o..onent= restating t#is o..onent:s views 7efore trying to answer t#em= agreeing on w#et#er or not you 7ot# desire a c#ange= and restating t#is agreement. &ssentially= t#en= in fair fig#ting you agree not to fig#t in t#e usual 7ellyac#ing= disru.tive manner= 7ut to do so in a civili8ed way= largely using t#e listening and restating met#ods develo.ed 7y "#omas Bordon and 7y me and "ed Crawford in our 7ook Ca1ing $ntimate Connections. "#is does not mean t#at fair fig#ting will solve everyt#ing. 3it# some .eo.le= it will merely 7ring out into t#e o.en t#eir differences= and t#ey will agree t#at t#ey will continue or agree to .art. $ut it does= at least im.licitly= eliminate t#e musts t#at lead to anger. For w#en you agree on fair fig#ts= you agree t#at you do not have to get your way= t#at you can listen carefully to your .artner= t#at you may legitimately com.romise= and t#at you do feel a7le to sto. your demandingness and to give your .artner t#e rig#t to control #is own 7eliefs and feelings. )n analy8ing a fair fig#t= according to t#e $ac# and Bold7erg met#od= you also look at your and your .artner:s style of 7laming and damning= get some understanding of #ow eac# of you resorts to self-defeating rage= and manage to get some insig#t into your anger-creating .#iloso.#ies. ,o even t#oug# t#e tec#niCue seems mainly 7e#avioral= it includes antimustur7ational elements= and may #el. you and your .artner #alt your anger. As $ac# and Bold7erg note= <Fair fig#ting is designed to avoid a win-lose a..roac# and .rovide

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a .rocedure t#at results in a mutually comforta7le resolution and learning e9.erience.< Avoidance of drugs and alcohol A7users of drugs and alco#ol freCuently turn u. as very angry .eo.le= even after t#ey #ave sto..ed t#eir use for a num7er of years. )n all .ro7a7ility= .art of t#eir drinking and drug a7use stems from t#eir u.setta7ility. Alco#olics= for e9am.le= may eit#er drink #eavily to control and mask t#eir anger= or only feel a7le to e9.ress t#eir anger w#en under t#e influence of liCuor. ,o t#eir #ostility tends to drive t#em to drink. At t#e same time= 7ot# drugs and alco#ol also increase anger in many instances. ,edative drugs= suc# as mari;uana or .#eno7ar7ital= may tend to make some .eo.le less enraged t#an t#ey would normally feel. Am.#etamines tend to increase irrita7ility and nastiness= and some .eo.le act angrily w#enever t#ey get #ig# on t#ese kinds of su7stances. Alco#ol also often #el.s increase low frustration tolerance. &ven t#e belief that you #ave consumed alco#ol may result in more aggressive 7e#avior= regardless of t#e actual alco#olic content of t#e drinks you may #ave #adDas an e9.eriment 7y Alan %. +ang= 2aniel H. Boeckness= Lincent H. Adesso= and B. Alan Marlatt s#owed. )f you #ave any serious .ro7lems wit# #ostility= watc# w#at drugs and drinks you take. "#is doesn:t mean t#at you necessarily #ave to remain a teetotaler= 7ut monitor your own drug-taking and alco#olim7i7ing 7e#avior. $ack of reinforcement Aleksandr ). ,ol8#enitsyn #as .ointed out t#at if we kee. reinforcing out7ursts of violence= letting t#eir .er.etrators get away wit# assaultive 7e#avior= we encourage t#eir .er.etuation. "#is also tends to #old true for self-angering. )f you let yourself get away wit# out7ursts of assaultive 7e#avior= es.ecially if you reinforce yourself 7y falsely letting yourself <know< #ow strong and no7le you are for letting yourself act violently= you will tend to in-

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seemed to s#ow t#at a fifteen-year-old 7oy= a neig#7or of t#e ,tureks= #ad committed t#e murder= ,turek said= <3e must forgive t#e 7oy. He is very sick. Hennifer would #ave wanted us to forgive #im.... "#e fifteen-year-old:s fat#er s#ould #ave known t#at t#ere was somet#ing wrong= and s#ould #ave done somet#ing a7out it= .er#a.s t#roug# .syc#iatry.< ,turek added= <) feel so sorry for t#e 7oy:s .arents= 7ecause w#et#er t#ey are good or 7ad= t#ey:re going t#roug# t#eir own #ell now.< ,turek:s #inting t#at t#e 7oy:s .arents mig#t be good or 7adD ratea7le as w#ole .ersons for some of t#eir traitsDis not t#e %&$" view. Peo.le may well #ave good and 7ad traitsDmeaning c#aracteristics t#at #el. and t#at #arm t#emselves and ot#ersD7ut we:d 7etter not designate t#em= #olistically= as good or 7ad .eo.le. 7viously= #owever= ,turek acce.ted t#e .ossi7ility of forgiving t#e murderer of #is daug#ter= even t#oug# #e did not condone #is wrong acts. Can you do anyt#ing to aid t#is kind of com.assion in yourself and ot#ers? YesDif you acknowledge your .#iloso.#y of revenge and su7stitute for it t#at of acce.ting #uman falli7ility. Also= if you see w#at #arm revenge freCuently does to you and ot#ers and reali8e t#at it mainly confirms your tendencies to carry on rat#er t#an to dro. unfortunate altercations. 2r. Harry Harlow .ointed out t#at alt#oug# #umans and .rimates #ave t#e innate tendency 7ot# to love and to #ate= t#ey will tend to feel and 7e#ave less angrily in t#eir later life if t#ey #ave #ad early e9.eriences t#at 7ring out t#eir love and friendliness. &ven t#oug# #uman aggressive tendencies #ave a strong 7iological under.inning= t#at does not mean t#at t#ey have to flower. ,o try to see t#at your c#ildren or .u.ils interact more socially wit# t#eir .eers= and you can give t#em a #ead start on t#eir unangry 7e#avior. 2on:t e9.ect miracles in t#ese res.ects= since strong innate .redis.ositions toward com7ativeness don:t easily disa..ear. $ut if we can train <naturally< antagonistic animals= suc# as dogs and cats= to live toget#er .eacefullyDw#ic# we definitely canDwe can also encourage <naturally< antagonistic #umans to 7e#ave muc# less assaultively. 3#y not try?

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Mic#ael &fran and H. Allan C#eyne= in commenting on an e9.er iment= note t#at <t#e mundane encounters w#ic# we all e9.erience eac# day constitute un.leasant= even stressful= events. "#e u7iCuity of t#ese events may make t#em more .otent contri7utors to t#e :stress of modern life: t#an #as .reviously 7een assumed.< You could try to reduce t#e num7er of ordinary social encounters of a <stress ful< nature t#at you e9.erience on a day-to-day 7asis. "#is solution= #owever= #as its distinct limitations since it involves social wit# drawal. You reduce stress 7ut .ossi7ly also reduce many socially sat isfying e9.eriences. A 7etter solution involves c#anging your attitude toward social stress. )f you work on yourself so t#at you do nothave to do well in social encounters and do not find social frustrations too hard, you can make yourself more acce.ting >t#oug# not necessarily a..rov ing? of t#e un.leasantness of everyday living. You may t#ere7y react less angrily w#en common social stresses occur. Countering abuse of children and subordinates 3e #ave given increasing attention in recent years to t#e a7use of c#ildren= to .arents and ot#er caretakers w#o strictly disci.line t#eir offs.ring and .#ysically a7use t#em and even 7eat t#em to deat#. ,tudies made of suc# .arents= including one of t#e cases t#at Ho#n M. Bullo and ) .resented in Curder and #ssassination, s#ow t#at t#ey freCuently #ave great frustrations and feelings of inade Cuacy in t#eir own lives and t#at t#ey sometimes take t#ese out on t#eir young victims. As +inda C#arlton #as noted= <A7ove all= t#ere is t#e a7use t#at is t#e .roduct of stress= of .arents striking at c#il dren 7ecause of un7eara7le .ressure.< 3#ile we rig#tfully dramati8e incidents of c#ild a7use= we fail to o7serve t#e freCuent ill treatment of adults. Professors= for e9am.le= can unfairly treat college and graduate students. $osses= union offi cials= su.ervisors= and .olice and military officers can a7use t#eir su7ordinates. Pu7lic ins.ectors and ot#er officials can tyranni8e t#ose over w#om t#ey #ave some .ower. Mates w#o know t#at t#eir .art ners neurotically need t#em can act as little Hitlers over suc# .art-

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ners. P#ysically or intellectually strong adolescents often savagely a7use t#ose t#ey find weaker or less ca.a7le. "#e main causes of t#is almost u7iCuitous .#enomenon of t#e <strong< victimi8ing t#eir less .owerful su7ordinates? Again= feelings of great inferiority on t#e .art of t#e former= w#ic# t#ey avoid facing or com.ensate for 7y #o..ing on t#e 7acks of t#ose t#ey can command. Again= continual stresses and frustrations e9.erienced 7y t#e victimi8ers may make t#em more t#an willing to seek out en;oya7le com7ative or a7usive .ursuits. Dealing "ith counteraggression 3#en someone deals wit# you angrily or seems angrily to make unreasona7le demands of you= counteraggression commonly arises. "#e #istory of #umanity s#ows t#at it leads to innumera7le arguments= feuds= and even national and international wars. Qet us list some rules that you can use to put a stop to your own counteraggression" Assume t#at t#e aggressors #ave somet#ing to t#eir .oint of view. Yours may #ave more <rig#tness< t#an t#eirsG 7ut it seems unlikely t#at t#ey #ave no good .oints w#atever. "ry to look for and give some value to t#eir .oint of view. &ven if you concludeDrig#tly or wronglyDt#at your o..onents #ave no good arguments= assume t#at t#ey definitely thin1 t#ey do. "#ey rarely fig#t for w#at t#ey call <rig#t< w#en t#ey don:t 7elieve in it. However deluded= t#ey ;ust a7out always 7elieve in t#eir .oint of view. Acknowledge to yourself t#at t#ey do 7elieve in it. ften use a creative listening attitude= suc# as "ed Crawford:s tec#niCue= %esolving 2iscussion ,eCuence >%2,?. You may thin1 you really know t#e ot#er:s outlook= 7ut to make sure t#at you do and to s#ow #er t#at you really want to see t#e ot#er side of t#e argument= re.eat 7ack to an aggressor your own inter.retation of t#at .erson:s .resentation= and t#en c#eck wit# #im w#et#er you #ave #eard it correctly. @ee. c#ecking and re.eating t#e ot#er:s view until it seems almost certain t#at you #ave understood it. You can use t#is .rocedure wit# your friends= wit# your coworkers= wit# your family mem7ers= and even wit# your .ronounced enemies. At least 1now

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w#at t#eir o..osing views consist of= s#ow t#em t#at you do know= and don:t try to argue t#em out of a conviction t#at t#ey really don:t #old. More details of "ed Crawford:s tec#niCue of com7ating anger can 7e found in #is and my 7ook= Ca1ing $ntimate Connections" &even Auidelines for Areat -elationships and etter Communication. ,ometimes use %&$" met#ods wit# your o..onents. )f a male friend= for e9am.le= severely castigates you for your lateness w#en you are sure you came to an a..ointment on time= you can say somet#ing like! <3ell= naturally= ) don:t see it ;ust t#e way t#at you do. $ut let:s assume you acted rig#tly and ) 7e#aved wrongly. ) knew= let us say= t#at we made t#e a..ointment for nine= and ) deli7erately or carelessly came at ten= really inconveniencing you. kay. )n t#at case= ) 7e#aved 7adly. $ut even so= w#y do you #ave to u.set yourself a7out my .oor 7e#avior and make yourself incensed at me? )f ) do wrong= ) do wrong= and ) certainly #ave a .ro7lem. $ut don:t kee. telling yourself= :He shouldn2t come lateF He #as no right to make a mistakeF He is a total worm for acting t#at wormy wayF: )f so= don:t you also #ave a .ro7lem? 3ouldn:t it 7e good for you to t#ink a7out your .ro7lem of anger and to do a little work on t#at?< 3atc# it= for wit# many angry .eo.le t#is kind of %&$" argument may well 7ackfireF $ut at times it may 7e useful. %emem7er t#at w#en someone is angry at you= even most unfairly in your eyes= you don:t have to s#ow t#is .erson t#e error of #is ways and you don:t have to make a <strong< re7uttal. 0sually= you will want to .resent your own view and .resent your argument. $ut don:t t#ink you #ave to. %eal strengt# often consists of your letting your o..onent <win< t#e argument= in s.ite of t#e unfairness of t#is outcome= and t#en going on to more constructive t#ings. Your goal #ad 7etter not 7e s#owing your o..onent= and t#e world at large= your correctness. +et it= instead= 7e your trying to get more of w#at you want and less of w#at you don:t want out of life. +etting ot#ers= at least tem.orarily= <win< arguments wit# you may lead to t#e fulfillment of this kind of goal. $eware of vindictivenessF 3#en you #ave lost an argument or

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7een assaulted= don:t focus on getting even wit# your o..onents at all costs. %evenge kee.s you emotionally involved wit# your o..onents .ractically forever= consumes enormous amounts of time and energy= distracts you from more constructive goals= gives you a needless .ain in your own gut= encourages counterrevenge and .rolonged feuds= rarely convinces your o..onents t#at t#ey are wrong= makes t#em feel t#at you are weak= and #arms innocent 7ystanders. %evenge and vindictiveness may #el. you #ave a less 7oring life. $ut at w#at a costF You do not #ave to incense yourself w#en your o..onents seem to #ave overweening demands. )f you loo1 carefully at t#ese demands= you will usually see t#eir more reasona7le as.ects. For one t#ing= your o..onents may #ave deli7erately overstated t#eir demands= knowing t#at you would not accede= 7ut #o.ing for a more reasona7le com.romise. For anot#er= t#ey may #ave little knowledge of your attitudes and your wis#es. r t#ey may not see t#e im.racticality of w#at t#ey kee. asking. Hust 7ecause t#ey #ave an emotional stake in t#eir reCuests and freCuently feel t#at t#ey sim.ly have to ac#ieve t#em= t#ey may not easily see t#e conseCuences of w#at t#ey demand and may even defeat t#emselves 7y some of t#e t#ings t#ey .ut in t#eir ultimatums. )n dealing wit# t#e <demands< and t#e <unnegotia7le< reCuests of some of t#e student .rotest grou.s at t#e 0niversity of )llinois= 2avid 2. Henry= .resident of t#e university= discovered t#at t#eir terms often did not carry t#e #ars#ness of t#eir surface meaning. <3#ile t#e word :demand: normally offends me=< Henry said to re.orters= <) translate it to mean :.ro.osal.:< He t#en felt muc# 7etter a7le to co.e wit# t#ese <demands< and to negotiate <unnegotia7le< reCuests of t#e students. )f= similarly= you really try to see your o..onent:s .oint of view= t#e negotia7ility of #is <demands< on you= and t#e .ossi7ility of your reac#ing out to #im wit#out #ostility= you will tend to act muc# less angrily toward t#e demanderDand .ro7a7ly encourage #im to 7e less aggressive toward you. %emem7er t#at ;ust as almost all of us seem to #ave .ro7a7ly innate tendencies to fig#t ve#emently against .eo.le:s <demands=< so do we #ave natural tendencies

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to fig#t less and to com.romise more w#en we see t#at ot#er .eo.le give our <demands< due consideration. 3#ile= on t#e one #and= we natively tend to fig#t= we also natively tend to com.romise. ,o give your o..onents: com.romising .roclivities a more-t#an-even c#ance to assert t#emselvesF -onviolence as a philosophy Liolence as a .#iloso.#y #as tended to rule t#e #uman race. nly in a few nota7le cases #as nonviolence risen as a .lanned= .ractical met#od of getting your way wit#out o.en warfare 7etween you and your o..onents. Band#i:s .rolonged fig#t to get t#e $ritis# to a7dicate as t#e .olitical ruler of )ndia re.resents one suc# caseG and alt#oug# t#e nonviolent a..roac# mig#t well not work wit# certain ot#er kinds of o..onents t#an Band#i #adDwit#= for e9am.le= t#e Aa8isDrecogni8e t#at it #as great advantages. As C#risto.#er +asc# .oints out= t#e )ndian doctrine of nonviolence= or &atyagraha, assumes decency is latent in all .eo.le! <"o decide in advance t#at certain adversaries are inca.a7le of decency is t#erefore to accuse t#em of in#umanity and to fall into .recisely t#at arrogant morali8ing from w#ic# ,atyagra#a .ro.oses to deliver us in t#e first .lace.< &rik &rikson #as nicely .ortrayed Band#i:s nonviolent a..roac#. He .oints out t#at Band#i:s trut# consists of t#e acce.tance of t#e idea t#at violence against your adversary really amounts to t#e same t#ing as violence against yourself. Martin +ut#er @ing su7scri7ed to t#is same trut#! <For .ractical as well as moral reasons= nonviolence offers t#e only road to freedom for my .eo.le. )n violent warfare= one must 7e .re.ared to face rut#lessly t#e fact t#at t#ere will 7e casualties 7y t#e t#ousands.< $ar7ara 2eming also indicates t#e .ractical= #ard#eaded results of t#e difficult .at# of nonviolence! R3#en noncoo.erationP is nonviolent= ) 7elieve it is immensely more .owerful in t#e long run= 7ecause one #as= as it

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were= two #ands on t#e adversaryG wit# one #and= one s#akes u. #is life drasticallyDmakes it im.ossi7le for #im sim.ly to continue as #e has been@ wit# t#e ot#er #and we calm #im= we control #is res.onse to us= 7ecause we res.ect #is rig#ts as well as ours= #is real= #is #uman rig#ts= 7ecause we assure #im t#at it is not #is destruction we want= merely ;ustice. )n your own life= you do not #ave to .ractice .assive resistance or com.lete nonviolence against any o..onents. $ut you can= if you wis#= s#ow your su7ordinates= your .eers= and your su.ervisors t#at you firmly 7elieve in nonviolence and t#at alt#oug# you may sometimes or often resist doing w#at t#ey want you to do= you will do so in a .#ysically unassaultive manner. Personally= ) don:t advocate taking t#is view to e9tremes. )f a t#ug attacks me and ) feel convinced t#at #e would most .ro7a7ly #arm me .#ysically= ) t#ink t#at ) would c#oose eit#er >1? to run like #ell or >2? to unangrily return #is assault to .rotect myself. Hoan $ae8 notes in #er nonviolent way! <)f all recourse to violence is taken away= you:re forced to really use your mind to searc# for alternatives. And you:re forced to acknowledgeDand t#is is w#at K mean 7y revolutionDt#at no man #as t#e rig#t to do in;ury to anot#er .erson or to 7e an accom.lice in t#e doing of in;ury. "#is means you #ave to recogni8e t#at every7ody is eCual and t#ere:s no suc# t#ing as an enemy.< 3#en Cuestioned 7y Aat Hentoff= <3ouldn:t you #ave considered Adolf Hitler an enemy?< s#e re.lied! Ao= #e was a #uman 7eing= too. $ut recogni8ing #is #umanity didn:t mean t#at you #ad to like #im and it certainly didn:t mean you #ad to carry out #is orders. )n a civili8ed society= .eo.le wouldn:t #ave followed #im. "#ey would #ave seen t#at #e was a wreck= a very sick manG and seeing t#at= t#ey would #ave gotten #im some #el.. "#e term enemy ;ust gets in t#e way of understanding t#at we are all #uman 7eings. Admittedly= it takes an awful lot of un7rainwas#ing to come to t#at .oint. "o 7e t#is kind of revolutionary reCuires t#e rig#t-

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winger to t#row away #is flag and t#e left-winger to forget all t#ose .osters a7out .ower coming out of t#e 7arrel of a gun. ) agree wit# Hoan $ae8. "o live wit#out designating t#ose w#o seriously disagree wit# you as <enemies< means to take an unusually revolutionary .oint of view. $ut if you can work on yourself to ado.t t#is view= you will make yourself muc# less #ostileDyet= as s#e indicates= 7y no means a nonactivist. ,ome em.irical confirmation of t#is .oint of view comes from t#e e9.eriments of Harry @aufmann and ,eymour Fes#7ac#. "#ey found t#at disru.tive 7e#aviors were su7stantially reduced 7y .rior e9.osure to constructive 7ut not to .unitive communication. "#is would tend to s#ow t#at if you deal wit# t#e Hitlers of t#e world in a nondamning= constructive manner= you may actually #el. t#em modify t#eir 7e#avior more t#an if you view t#em in a castigating= #ostile way. You can= if you wis#= ado.t a .#iloso.#y of nonviolence. You can sanely do so not only to decrease your own feelings of #ostility= 7ut also to set a fine #uman e9am.le for ot#ers to follow. Recogni#ing the irony of hatred Hatred can consume you more t#an almost any ot#er feeling and= like ;ealousy and a few ot#er .assions= can literally o7sess you and run your life. )t usually goes far 7eyond your feelings of frustration and 7rings wit# it an illusion of self-interest. n t#e surface= you seem a7sor7ed in getting w#at you want and removing w#at you don:t want. $ut w#at an illusionF Your feelings of an9ietyDs.urred 7y t#e )rrational $elief t#at <) must do well and win ot#ers: a..roval and would find it horrible if ) didn:tF<Dmake you ot#er-directed rat#er t#an self-directed. $ut your feelings of #atred .roduce a similar result. You can make yourself so #orrified a7out .eo.le w#o treat you unfairly t#at you t#ere7y make them t#e center of your attention and normally lose yourself in t#e .rocess. You seem to want greater satisfaction for

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your own life= 7ut you really o7sess a7out c#anging them, doing them in= gloating over in;uring them. )f you will make yourself reali8e #ow ot#er-directed t#is kind of 7e#avior is= you can see #ow you defeat yourself 7y #ating= w#ile deluding yourself t#at your #atred #el.s. You can t#en go 7ack to your main interest! <3#at= in view of t#e disadvantages of t#eir treatment of me= can K do to make my life #a..ier?< As @en lsen notes= <Hate is a means 7y w#ic# we .unis# and destroy ourselves for t#e actions of ot#ers.< How ironicF ,ee t#at you sink t#is irony into your 7rain many timesDuntil you re.lace most of your #ostility wit# self-interest and wit# unconditional ot#er-acce.tance >0 A?. +et us go 7ack to still more ways of overcoming your feeling and acting angrily. .umanistic values )f you see yourself as an integral .art of t#e #uman race= if you see t#at all #umans #ave a rig#t to live and ac#ieve #a..iness merely 7ecause t#ey e9ist= and if you see t#at your own rig#t to live and en;oy will most likely 7e en#anced if you act #umanely to ot#ers= you will tend to feel muc# less angry against ot#ers even w#en t#ey treat you s#a77ily. "#at does not mean t#at you #ave to go far out of your way to #el. or to sacrifice yourself for ot#ers. $ut it does mean t#at t#e more #umanistic you are= t#e less cruelly you will tend to treat ot#ers. "o acCuire a more #umanistic .#iloso.#y= try to remem7er t#at you and ot#ers a7#or mistreatmentG t#at concern for ot#ers tends to foster conditions you would likeG and t#at ;ust as you can= alas= en;oy #urting ot#ers= you can also en;oy #el.ing t#em. 3it#out 7eing a Florence Aig#tingale or ,t. Francis= you can find real satisfaction in trying to make t#e world a 7etter .lace in w#ic# to live. $ernard H. ,iegel .oints out t#at some tri7al grou.s >suc# as t#e "aos American )ndians? and international grou.s >suc# as t#e Hews? form <defensive grou.s=< w#ic# make a conscious attem.t to instill

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.eaceful values <7y reCuiring constant e9ercise of control over 7e#avior .otentially destructive to t#e grou. in relation to e9ternal t#reats.< ,uc# grou.s maintain inner .eace in order to mo7ili8e t#emselves more effectively to survive in a #ostile world. Focusing on the pain of the victim 3#en angry= we tend to en;oy our own emotional out7urst and to assume t#at some#ow t#e victim of our anger will ultimately 7enefit from our fury. Aot#ing of t#e sort may occurF ,ome individuals may take our rage 7adly= may feel acute emotional .ain= and may internali8e our criticism and feel affected 7y it forever. 2on:t delude yourself into t#inking t#at your victims only 7enefit from your #ostility. Lividly imagine t#e negative results of your anger= and use t#ese to in#i7it your furt#er e9.ressions. 2on:t= of course= go to t#e ot#er irrational e9treme and down yourself for dis.laying anger. However mistaken and <rotten< your deed= you don:t 7ecome a rotten person for .erforming it. $ut your anger does #ave conseCuencesDand= often= very in#umane conseCuences to ot#ers w#o are really vulnera7le. @ee. t#eir vulnera7ility in mindG try to see t#at even if t#eir angry acts #arm you= t#ey do not really <deserve< to kee. suffering 7ecause of your rage. "ry to reali8e t#at t#eir suffering will not necessarily eliminate t#eir assaultive 7e#avior. Focusing on relating to others An o7vious advantage of your making yourself unangry at ot#ers includes your getting along 7etter wit# t#em w#en t#ey are not 7ot#ersome. Ama8ingly= #owever= you easily tend to forget t#isD and you concentrate on ot#er goals= many of t#em mistaken. As a .arent= for e9am.le= you focus on teac#ing your c#ildren to do t#e rig#t t#ing and insist t#at t#ey have to do t#is. ConseCuently= w#en t#ey do t#e wrong t#ing= you incense yourself at t#emDand scream t#at t#ey:d 7etter c#ange. %esult! You #ave .oor relations wit# t#em even w#en t#ey are 7e#aving <.ro.erly.<

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Haim Binott notes t#e case of a 7oy of seven w#o 7roke a toy gun and= frig#tened 7y #is own ine.tness= #id t#e gun. )n finding .arts of t#e gun= t#e fat#er tried to get #im to say w#ere #e #ad .ut t#e rest of it= and t#e 7oy re.lied t#at #e didn:t know. "#e fat#er said= <You 7roke t#e gunF )f t#ere:s one t#ing ) #ate= it:s a liarF< And #e gave t#e 7oy a good s.anking. $ut as 2r. Binott notes! )nstead of .laying detective and .rosecutor= t#e fat#er would #ave 7een more #el.ful to #is son 7y saying! <) see your new gun is 7roken. <)t didn:t last long. <)t:s a .ity. )t was e9.ensive.< "#e c#ild mig#t #ave learned some valua7le lesson! <Fat#er understands. ) can tell #im my trou7les. ) must take 7etter care of my gifts.< ,o remind yourself! <)f ) make myself angry and e9.ress my anger to ot#ers= ) will usually antagoni8e t#em and encourage t#em to kee. acting 7adly. )f ) acce.t t#em wit# t#eir .oor 7e#avior and do not demand t#at t#ey sto. 7e#aving t#at way= ) will get along 7etter wit# t#em and also freCuently 7e a more effective teac#er of good conduct. "#e less angry ) feel and act= t#e more effective a teac#er of t#e :rig#t way: ) s#all .ro7a7ly 7e.< Discriminate the constructive aspects of anger Anger= as many aut#orities #ave .ointed out= #as its constructive as.ects. 3it#out feeling some degree of irritation= frustration= and annoyance= we would #ardly reduce ot#ers: o7no9ious 7e#avior and #uman .rogress mig#t sto.. H. H. 3olff #as .ointed out t#at we can act against ot#ers <constructively in many fields= including self.reservation= and defense of 7asic .#ysical needs= se9ual conCuest and e9.erience= as well as for ot#er .redominantly .syc#ological .ur.oses suc# as com.etition= t#e defense of one:s rig#ts as an individual or t#ose of one:s family or t#e grou. one 7elongs to= t#e struggle for t#e develo.ment of one:s identity= t#e maintenance of value systems and ideals and es.ecially for creative .ur.oses of all kinds.<

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Paula Heimann and Art#ur Lalenstein also note t#at <normally every c#ild #as a t#rust toward activity= toward asserting #imself and toward masteryG it need not necessarily 7ecome an overweening urge toward destructiveness= w#ic# in itself suggests a .ossi7le neurotic Cuality.< Al7ert %ot#en7erg se.arates anger from #ostility and notes t#at anger #as strong communication as.ects for #umans and= t#erefore= great constructive .otential des.ite its dangers and its freCuent tie to feelings of an9iety. )f we can rid ourselves of t#e an9iety= %ot#en7erg #y.ot#esi8es= we can constructively use our feelings of anger. Al7ert &. "riesc#man s#ows t#at c#ildren often use tem.er tantrums as a .ro7lem-solving device since t#ey cannot easily devise 7etter means of co.ing wit# a crisis. "#e wild t#reats and insults of t#ese c#ildren <re.resent a .rimitive effort to feel some sense of com.etence.< 0sually= w#en you feel angry= you very muc# want to get your own way= to remove un.leasant stimuli= to control ot#ers= and to .reserve your own .#ysical and emotional #ealt#. BoodF 3#y s#ouldn:t you want w#at you want and try to decrease w#at you don:t like? At t#e same time= you would do well to recogni8e fully t#at most other #umans want e9actly w#at you doDt#eir own way. "#ey #ave ;ust as muc# a rig#t to t#eir .references as you #ave to yours. 7viously 7ot# you and t#ey freCuently cannot get w#at you wantDes.ecially w#en your and t#eir desires are incom.ati7le. )f you give yourself t#e full rig#t to want and give ot#ers a similar rig#t and if you don:t demand t#at t#ey have to acknowledge your rig#t= you can 7etter acce.t t#e constructive w#ile minimi8ing t#e self-defeating as.ects of your ardent wis#es. Cooperative outlook %&$" does not #old t#at com.etition is always evil and t#at you s#ould at all costs avoid it. n t#e contrary= it assumes t#at as a #uman you will often try to get w#at you want= to acCuire more t#an ot#ers acCuire= and to o7tain t#ings at ot#ers: e9.ense. Alt#oug# we usually t#ink of com.etition in .rofessional and 7usi-

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ness affairs= it also a..lies to gaining someone else:s a..roval for love. You want to esta7lis# an intimate relations#i. wit# someone and anot#er .erson wants to #ave an intimate relations#i. wit# #im as well. "#e .erson you c#oose only is monogamously inclined= so eit#er you or your com.etitor will lose out. ,#all you wit#draw from com.etition? Angrily fig#t for t#e single <.ri8e<? 7sessively .lot and sc#eme to win t#e com.etition? 3#at? "#e usual %&$" answer! "ry= as strongly as you can= to win t#e com.etition= 7ut don:t insist t#at you must win it or you will 7e a total loser. And don:t see your com.etition as a com.lete villain. Feel fairly determinedD7ut not a7solutely insistentDon gaining w#at you want. At t#e same time= consider t#e advantage of a more coo.erative outlook. ,ometimes 7ot# you and your o..onent can <win<D t#oug# neit#er of you com.letely. You may even find it en;oya7le to #el. t#at o..onent ac#ieve .artial satisfaction. "#e goal you seekDw#et#er anot#er:s love= money= .rofessional success= or w#at you willDneed not constitute your only .reference. ,#aring wit# anot#erG coo.eratively .lanning so t#at 7ot# of you may .artially gain w#at you wantG feeling friendly toward your o..onentsD you may also c#oose t#ese goals. Com.etition= remem7er= may include 7ot# s#ort-range and longrange disadvantages and losses. )t takes time and effort. )t encourages enmity from ot#ers. )t overem.#asi8es winning. )t #as distinct social conseCuences for t#ird .arties. )n a wider social conte9t= e9treme com.etition can lead to international conflict and war. "#e more you train yourself to want 7ut not to need monogamous 7onding and t#e more you acce.t t#e virtues of coo.erating wit# many individuals in your community rat#er t#an a small selected grou. of family mem7ers= t#e less com.etitive and #ostile you may 7ecome. You may not= of course= crave t#e satisfactions of coo.erativeness over com.etitiveness and may t#erefore not work for t#em. $ut you do #ave at least two via7le o.tions #ere= and t#e mere fact t#at you naturally and as a result of your u.7ringing #ave tended to favor one of t#emDcom.etitionDdoesn:t mean t#at you #ave to favor it e9clusively.

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%&$" views #ostility as mainly stemming from your t#oug#ts= ideas= 7eliefs= and .#iloso.#ies= and it t#erefore tries to #el. you change t#em. However= it also reali8es t#at you can tem.orarily s#unt aside or divert yourself from your own u.setting 7eliefs 7y a variety of met#ods= suc# as rela9ation= meditation= games= attac#ments= .#ysical e9ercises= and a #ost of ot#er .leasure-seeking distractions. &ven anger itself= as several writers #ave s#own= can divert you from certain ot#er forms of #ostility= as w#en t#e .eo.le of one community incense t#emselves at t#e .eo.le of anot#er grou. and t#ere7y are less #ostile toward mem7ers of t#eir own grou.. ,ome diversionary .astimes can also #el. you remove= and not merely sidetrack or .alliate= your anger. )f you feel unassertive= and #ate yourself for your unassertiveness= you can .lay games like c#ess or foot7all or sell ot#ers on your .olitical ideas to overcome your unassertiveness. You t#ere7y rid yourself of muc# of your <reason< for self-downing. "#is isn:t an elegant cure since you can also c#oose to remain unassertive= continue to down yourself= and finally wind u. feeling angry at ot#ers w#o <su..ress< you. Aot so goodF Hans "oc#= w#o #as .articularly studied violent individuals w#o cover u. t#eir self-de.recation wit# angering t#emselves against ot#ers= notes t#at diversionary activity may sometimes #el. in cases like t#ese! )t mig#t 7e .ossi7le to offer suc# an individual t#e alternative of ;oining e9tracurricularly an activity or clu7 involving contem.oraries w#o #ave s#own t#emselves similarly trou7lesome. )n t#is setting= grou. discussions of violence could occur= violence-related games could 7e .layed= skits or .lays could 7e .roduced= and 7e#avior .atterns could 7e generated t#at could meet t#e 7oy:s reCuirements for self-affirmation= wit#out its destructive conseCuences. )f you feel .rone to #ostility and violence= you may consider t#e .ossi7ilities of diverting your angry urges in t#ese more constructive ways. You can sometimes arrange for limited or .layacting

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forms of com.etition t#at will give you some satisfaction and selfe9.ression and t#ere7y more easily refrain from more glo7al forms of violence t#at will <satisfy< you at t#e e9.ense of ot#er values and lead to certain dangers. Again= diversions of t#is kind will .ro7a7ly not com.letely solve your .ro7lems of #ostility. $ut in some res.ects t#ey may #el.. Antidepressive methods "#e .syc#ological literature may e9aggerate t#e e9tent to w#ic# anger may cover u. de.ression and de.ression may cover u. anger. "#ese kinds of cover-u.s do at times occur= 7ut not all anger consists of de.ression turned outward= nor does all de.ression consist of anger turned inward. Aonet#eless= at times you may anger yourself for taking on a self-.itying >de.ressed? attitude= and you may t#en go on to las# out at ot#ers w#o .resuma7ly #ave <caused< t#e <#orri7le< events t#at you t#ink you can:t stand. You can deal wit# t#e de.ressed feelings t#at underlie your feelings of anger 7y using %ational &motive $e#avior "#era.y. First determine t#e Activating &vent or Adversity t#at .recedes your de.ressed mood. Benerally= you will #ave failed at somet#ing or 7een re;ected 7y someone w#ose a..roval you want to ac#ieve. $ut feelings of failure and re;ection do not in t#emselves lead to de.ression. )n addition= you .ro7a7ly would 7e downing yourself for failing. "#en you mig#t angrily .ut ot#ers down for re;ecting you. )n t#e %&$" formulation you would #ave= at $= told yourself a set of sensi7le or %ational $eliefs >%$s?= suc# as <) don:t like failing. ) wis# t#at ) #ad succeeded and 7een acce.ted 7y t#is .erson. How unfortunate for me to fail and get re;ectedF< "#ese %ational $eliefs would lead you to feeling sorry= sad= and frustrated a7out w#at #a..ened to you at .oint A. At .oint )$= #owever= your set of )rrational $eliefs would tend to take over! <How awful for me to fail and get re;ected. ):ll never really get w#at ) wantF "#is s#ows t#at ) am a rotten .ersonF How #o.elessF ):ll go on forever= never really getting w#at ) most desireF< At t#is .oint= you will 7egin to feel t#e undesira7le &motional

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ConseCuence >C?Dyour de.ression. 3#ic# you would t#en 2is .ute >2? wit# t#e usual %ational &motive $e#avioral Cuestioning! <3#y is it awful for me to fail and 7e re;ected? 3#at evidence e9ists t#at ):ll never get w#at ) want? &ven if ) continue failing and 7eing re;ected= #ow does t#at make me arotten person w#o will #o.elessly go on forever= never getting w#at ) most desire?< "#e cognitive &ffect >&? of your 2is.uting would 7e along t#ese lines! <Aot#ing makes it awful for me to fail and 7e re;ected. nly inconvenience and annoyance result. Hust 7ecause ) failnow #ardly means t#at ) #ave to kee. doing soin the future. )n fact= t#e more ) try= t#e more ):ll most .ro7a7ly succeed. $ut even if ) never get e9 actly w#at ) want and kee. getting many re;ections= it will .rove= at t#e worst= t#at my 7e#avior is 7ad= not at all t#at ) am a totally rot ten #uman.< )f you kee. doing your A$C2&s in t#is manner= you will most likely wind u. feeling sorry= concerned= frustrated= and dis.leased= 7ut not de.ressedG you will #ave no .articular incentive to rational i8e away or ot#erwise cover u. your de.ression wit# raging at ot# ers. ,ince you won:t= in your own eyes= feel like a no-goodnik for failing and getting re;ected= you may not anger yourself at .eo.le w#o re;ect you. )n order for you to decrease your distur7a7ility= ) cannot too strongly em.#asi8e overcoming your feelings of self-downing= vul nera7ility= and inadeCuacy= since t#ese arise so freCuently and in tensely. And t#ey #ave .ronounced relations#i.s wit# anger. )f you use your tem.er flare-u.s as indicating t#at you .ro7a7ly #ave a general negative attitude toward yourself and ot#ers and if you ac knowledge t#at you #ave chosen t#is way of life= you will increase your a7ility to reevaluate your c#oices and to c#ange t#em. )n t#e %&$" framework= feelings of inadeCuacy largely stem from convincing yourself= at .oint $= t#at you #ave some weak ness= inferiority= or inadeCuacy at .oint A= and t#at t#is isawful and you #ave to down yourself as a .erson for #aving it. "o reduce your self-downing you:d 7etter convince yourself t#at you may well #ave some failing 7ut t#at you cannot legitimately rate your-

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self as a rotten .erson for #aving it. Failing is unfortunate= 7ut you #ave t#e a7ility to live reasona7ly #a..ily in s.ite of t#is misfortune. 0sing %&$" in t#is fas#ion= you can surmount your feelings of self-de.recation and undermine t#e angry emotions to w#ic# t#ey may easily lead. Training courses and "orkshops
You can learn #ow to deal wit# ot#ers= including your intimates= more effectively 7y taking suita7le training courses and works#o.s. Many individuals and organi8ations now give fig#t training courses. "#ese #ave t#eir value= w#en .resented 7y effective leaders= 7ut t#ey also #ave t#eir limitations. "#ey may #el. you feel and act more angrily= under t#e guise of #aving you assert yourself. Assertiveness training along rational and 7e#avioral lines is more #el.ful= usually= t#an any course or works#o. t#at includes t#e word fight in its title. Human relations courses= suc# as t#ose .ioneered 7y Aorman @agan= can also #el. you considera7ly wit# your social skills and t#ere7y decrease your tendency to interact com7atively wit# ot#ers. C#ild management .rocedures= suc# as t#ose outlined 7y 3. $ecker= 2on 2inkmeyer= and "#omas Bordon= also s#ow you #ow to relate more effectively to your c#ildren. "#ey #ave= as well= a7use .revention .otential. ,ome organi8ations= suc# as t#e Al7ert &llis )nstitute in Aew York and ot#er American and foreign cities= teac# .eo.le #ow to relate more ot#er-acce.tingly and less angrily. +ook for t#ese kinds of seminars and works#o.s. $ut again! 3atc# out for <growt# centers< t#at s.eciali8e in .syc#omotor= 7ioenergetic= .rimal= and %eic#ian met#ods of <creative e9.ression<Dt#ey will sometimes teac# you #ave to augment your <assertiveness< in a #ig#ly angry way. )f you find t#at courses and works#o.s= as well as t#e ot#er tec#niCues suggested in t#is 7ook= don:t #el. you .revent your selfdefeating rages= you mig#t well consider intensive individual or grou. t#era.y. %ational &motive $e#avior "#era.y= Cognitive $e#avior "#era.y= Adlerian t#era.yDt#era.ies suc# as t#ese t#at

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include a #ig#ly cognitive element and t#at #el. you understand and significantly c#ange your 7asic .#iloso.#ic assum.tions t#at create anger >and ot#er distur7ed feelings? may #el. considera7ly. As you can see 7y t#e large num7er of cognitive= emotive= and 7e#avioral met#ods t#at can 7e used to interru.t and reduce angry feelings and actionsDas indicated in t#is c#a.ter and ot#er c#a.ters of t#is 7ookDyou #ave a wide c#oice of tec#niCues to reduce your own. Choice is t#e word for %&$" and ot#er cognitive-7e#avioral t#era.ies= as s#own in my 7ook= )vercoming 7estructive eliefs, 8eel ings, and ehaviors. A multimodal a..roac# to your dealing wit# dysfunctional rage is es.oused 7y .ractically all clinicians and researc#ers w#o #ave tackled anger .ro7lems in recent years. You can find details of t#eir recommendations in t#e references at t#e end of t#is 7ook= including .u7lications 7y Herry 2effen7ac#er= %aymond 2iBiuse..e= C#risto.#er &ck#ardt= Howard @assinove= His Holiness t#e 2alai +ama= %aymond C#i. "afrate= and +eonore 3alker.

Acce.ting Yourself 3it# Your Anger

Ho.efully t#is 7ook #as so far clearly s#own you #ow to reduce your anger and ot#er un#ealt#y feelings. $ecause you remain a falli7le #uman= #owever= you will in all .ro7a7ility find yourself sli..ing 7ack= from time to time= into self-defeating attitudes. ,o we:d 7etter look at #ow you can 7est deal wit# yourself and ot#ers w#en t#at #a..ens. +et us say t#at wit# some skill and success you #ave .racticed t#e various tec#niCues introduced in t#is 7ook. Yet ;ust t#e ot#er day your 7oss acted so nasty and stu.id toward you t#at you felt like really letting #im #ave it. Fortunately #e #ad to leave t#e office 7efore you #ad a c#ance to 7low u. in #is .resence= 7ut even after #e #ad gone= you took more t#an an #our to cool down. Aow let:s see #ow you could #ave dealt wit# your anger 7etter under t#ose conditions. FirstDim.ortantlyDyou can acknowledge fully to yourself t#at you #ad enraged feelings against your 7oss rat#er t#an denying t#em or rationali8ing t#em awayG and you can fully acknowledge that you 7roug#t t#em on. You made yourself angryDyour 7oss didn:t. And you mistakenly did so. You rig#tly felt annoyed and irritated at your 7oss:s .resuma7ly nasty 7e#avior. 3#y s#ould you like it w#en it went against your own desires and interests? $ut you t#en an'5%

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gered yourself a7out #is nastiness. You could #ave c#osen not to do so and only made yourself sorry and disa..ointed wit# your 7e#avior. ,econd= and .er#a.s even more im.ortant= you can acce.t yourself with your raging feelings. You can acknowledge t#e wrongness of your feelings= 7ut not t#e 7adness of you. Humans not only act 7ad= 7ut see t#at t#ey do= and t#ey freCuently take t#eir 7ad 7e#avior and make it into a new Activating &9.erience and t#en 7ela7or t#emselves mig#tily for acting t#at way. As a falli7le #uman .erson you #ave a rig#t to 7e wrong= to make yourself un#ealt#ily angry. You aren:t a louse or a worm for doing so. You only are a .erson w#o #as acted stu.idlyDnot a stu.id person. ,ay to yourself somet#ing like= <) really 7e#aved selfdefeatingly in incensing myself at my 7oss= 7ut ) can easily do so and #ave a rig#t= as a #uman= to act t#at way. My 7e#avior is wrong= 7ut ) can:t legitimately see myself as a really rotten .erson.< )n ot#er words= acce.t yourself w#ile not acce.ting your 7e#avior. Fully acknowledge its mistakenness! t#at it most likely 7rings you more #arm t#an good. %eview your anger and see w#y it does you #arm. )t gives you a <.ain in t#e gut<G it doesn:t #el. you solve your .ro7lem wit# your 7ossG it easily may communicate itself to #im and make your relations#i. muc# worseG it may lead to .oor .#ysical reactions on your .art >#ig# 7lood .ressure and more?G it makes you .reoccu.ied wit# your 7oss and #is a..arent irrationality= instead of focusing on #ow to do your ;o7 7etter and .lease #im moreG and it sa7otages your efficiency in many ways. )f you feel determined to acce.t you= your #umanity= in s.ite of your anger= you can fully acknowledge it as self-sa7otaging= w#ereas if you insist on downing you= your totality= for your anger= t#en you will tend to deny= re.ress= and e9cuse your anger. And you will find yourself dealing unsatisfactorily wit# it. +ook at it as 7ad 7ut correcta7leF %eview w#at you mistakenly told yourself to make yourself angry. %esolve to tell yourself somet#ing different in t#e futureD and .ractice doing so in your #ead. Per#a.s you:ll see t#at you demanded t#at your 7oss act nicely and t#at w#en #e didn:t fulfill t#is demand= you told yourself= <How awful9 He #as no rig#t to act t#at wayF ) can2t stand his stu.idityF ) #o.e #e dro.s deadF<

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Aow you ask yourselfDat 2 for 2is.utingDw#y is it awful for your 7oss to act nasty? 3#y #as #e no rig#t to act t#at way? 3#ere is it written t#at you really can2t stand #is stu.idity? )s #e really a total villain w#o s#ould dro. dead to .lease you? You mig#t answer t#us! <Aot#ing makes it awful for my 7oss to act nastily. )t:s only annoying and inconvenientF He does #ave t#e rig#t to act any way t#at #e acts. &ven t#oug# #e acts wrong and ) don:t like t#is 7e#avior= ) can definitely stand #is stu.idity. ) certainly am not a villain w#en ) dis.lease #im. ,o #e isn:t eit#erF< Aote t#at 7y a..roac#ing t#e situation wit# t#e A$C2&s of %&$"= you #ave not c#osen to feel irres.onsi7le a7out your fury at your 7oss= t#ere7y encouraging future fury. You #ave #onestly acknowledged your angerD7ut reali8ed its wrongness. You #ave made an attem.t to understand w#at you did to make yourself angry and w#at you can do in t#e future to reduce making yourself enraged again. "#at is t#e main .oint. You can live most successfully wit# your anger 7y understanding itG 7y realistically seeing t#at #umans easily and naturally make t#emselves angry= ;ust as t#ey easily and naturally overeat and avoid going to t#e dentistG by accepting yourself for creating itG and by showing yourself how to 7ispute it. )srael C#arny states= <"#e key to t#e .syc#ot#era.ist:s contri7utions= ) 7elieve= is t#at #e teac#es an awareness and acce.tance of t#e universality of angry feelings and inner wis#es to destroy anot#er #uman 7eing= 7ut t#at overt acts of suc# violence at anot#er:s .erson are never to 7e condoned e9ce.t in clear self-defense against .#ysical attacks.< ) agree. "#en C#arny goes on! <However= to feel like #itting is not wrong. &ven to feel like killing is #uman.< ) agree t#at to feel like #itting your 7oss or killing #im w#en #e acts 7ad is a #uman= natural emotion. $ut ) still t#ink it is wrong since your feeling goes wit# t#e overgenerali8ation t#at #e #as no rig#t to act t#at way and deserves to 7e assaulted for acting t#at way. He does #ave t#e rig#t. Ao matter #ow #uman your anger= you:d 7etter acknowledge it as mistaken w#ile still fully acce.ting you= yourself= wit# t#is destructive 7e#aviorF You can follow certain .ractical .rocedures t#at will #el. let off steam relatively #armlessly and also= .er#a.s= #el. t#ose at w#om

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you feel angry to reconsider t#eir own 7e#avior and .er#a.s modify it. For e9am.le! "ry to assert yourself to t#e .eo.le at w#om you feel angry in )statements rat#er t#an in you-statements. )f you #ate your 7oss for making you work overtime and not com.ensating you= don:t say to #im= <You are unfair for making me work overtimeF ) don:t understand #ow you can do t#atF< ,uc# a statement distinctly accuses t#e ot#er of rotten 7e#avior and assumes t#at 7ecause #e is res.onsi7le for t#at 7e#avior #e t#erefore absolutely must not .erform it. )nstead= you can give t#e same message in t#is kind of )-statement! <) feel t#at you are asking me to work overtime wit#out additional com.ensation= and ) don:t like t#at. ) wonder w#et#er t#is is fair. $ut assuming t#at from my .oint of view it is unfair= ) wonder #ow you see it from your .oint of view.< "#is kind of )statement s#ows your feelings and s#ows t#at you t#ink #is action wrong= 7ut it does so o.en-mindedly and di.lomatically. )t reveals your dis.leasure= 7ut not your immense angerDeven if you #a..en to feel angry w#ile stating it. 3#en you are enraged at .eo.le w#om you t#ink #ave acted 7ad and don:t admit it= try to s.eak aut#oritatively rat#er t#an aut#oritarianly. )f= for e9am.le= you #ave an em.loyee w#o kee.s coming in late= you don:t #ave to say= <How can you do t#at all t#e time? You know goddamned well t#at we don:t tolerate any lateness #ereF< You can say= instead= <) don:t know w#et#er anyone .ointed it out to you clearly w#en you ;oined t#is firm= 7ut we #ave a very strict .olicy a7out lateness. Anyone w#o comes in even a few minutes late several times gets talked to 7y #is su.ervisor and strictly .enali8ed if #e does not t#ereafter start coming in on time. "#e com.any #as #ad t#is rule for a long time and finds it advisa7le to stick to itG ) t#erefore #ave called you in to talk a7out t#e .ro7lem of your lateness.< r if you notice t#at someone in your class kee.s asking to 7orrow your #omework in order to co.y it and you feel angry a7out t#is= you can say somet#ing like! <May7e you don:t agree wit# t#is #omework rule and t#ink it silly. $ut ) #ave .ersonally found t#at ) really don:t understand w#at goes on in class unless ) regularly do my #omework. )t seems to 7e t#at t#e only real way to learn t#is

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su7;ect is to .ractice it on your own. ,o ) feel t#at lending you my #omework to co.y won:t really do you muc# good and t#at you:d do yourself a disservice 7y co.ying it. "#erefore= ) don:t t#ink ) will lend it to you.< "#is kind of res.onse seems muc# 7etter t#an your aut#oritarianly telling t#e attem.ted 7orrower= <+ook= dearF ne ;ust does not 7orrow #omework to co.y in t#is class. "#at won:t do at allF< 0sually you will get along muc# 7etter in life if= w#en someone .uts you down and you feel angry a7out it= you refrain from following suit and .utting #er down. A revengeful retort will often make you feel 7etterD7ut not get 7etter. )t will tend to make you feel more angry= and you will win t#e ot#er:s enmity. ,o your 7est retort freCuently consists of seeming to agree wit# t#e .ut-downG ignoring itG agreeing wit# it in .artG or s#owing t#e ot#er .erson t#at you do not take it too seriously= do not agree wit# it. )f an acCuaintance of yours= for e9am.le= laug#s at you for dressing in a certain manner= you can make t#ese kinds of retorts! >1? <Yes= my ;acket does seem on t#e loud side<G >2? <) see t#at you really don:t like t#e way ) dress<G >(? <) guess my ;acket does seem on t#e loud side= 7ut ) find it e9citing and attractive<G >*? <) can see w#at you mean and t#at ot#ers mig#t agree wit# you= 7ut ) don:t consider t#ings like t#is t#at im.ortant<G >/? <A..arently we ;ust don:t agree on w#at constitutes loudness<G >'? <You may t#ink it loud= 7ut almost everyone seems to wear t#is kind of color t#ese days= and you t#erefore may 7e in a minority.< 3it# t#ese kinds of retorts= you #old your ground 7ut do not dis.lay #ostility toward and .ut down ot#ers. &ven w#en you feel angry as you res.ond in t#is way= your res.onses tend to calm down and make you feel less irate. You never lose integrity 7y acting t#is way= for even if your <.ut-downer< t#inks t#at you act weakly= t#at remains #is .ro7lem= and you need never feel .ut down. As Her7ert Fenster#eim and Hean $aer rig#tly .oint out= t#is does not mean t#at you #ad 7etter give an a.ologetic or self-downing retort w#en someone .uts you down and you feel angry. )f someone critici8es your taste in a ;acket= you do not= in order to avoid a confrontation= #ave to re.ly= <Yes= ) guess .eo.le do t#ink less of me w#en ) wear loud colors like t#is=< or= < #= ) t#oug#t everyone was

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wearing t#is color t#is year= and t#at led me to 7uy t#is ;acket.< Acting weakly freCuently encourages t#e ot#er .erson to kee. trying to .ut you down furt#er and sets a 7ad e9am.le for still ot#ers= w#o may similarly try to take advantage of you. As ) #ave stated in +ow to Qive Nith a :Oeurotic,< ) normally advocate an attitude of firm kindness. Aot unfirm kindnessG not firm unkindness. ,im.ly firm kindnessDand t#e maintaining of your own integrity no matter w#at ot#ers may t#ink of you. ccasionally you will find it 7est to retort to .ut-downs in a sarcastic= mean= or very critical manner= ;ust as you will sometimes= t#oug# seldom= find it t#e 7etter .art of valor to fig#t .#ysically wit# an o..onent rat#er t#an to run away. For in certain grou.sD suc# as toug# street-corner grou.sDif you don:t com7atively stand u. for yourself and return unkindness in kind= t#e grou. mem7ers may view you as weak and may .lague you .ractically forever. Fenster#eim and $aer give some good e9am.les of #ow to res.ond in suc# circumstances= including >1? forcing yourself to answer instead of running away from t#e situationG >2? taking time to t#ink of a good retortG >(? using )-statements instead of you-statementsG >*? not asking t#e ot#er to ela7orate on w#at #e finds wrong wit# youG >/? using some stock .#rases= suc# as <3#at do you find so damned wrong wit# my 7e#avior?< or <How come you seem so critical today?< However= ) still would say! Make t#is t#e e9ce.tion rat#er t#an t#e rule= even w#en ot#ers #ave clearly tried to down you and you feel angry a7out t#is. 2on:t t#ink .erfectionistically a7out your dealing wit# your own anger and re.lying to .eo.le w#en you are angry at t#em. )nevita7ly= you will at times retort 7adly and weakly= or you will make yourself so incensed t#at you will re.ly to t#em in an e9tremely 7ottled-u. or c#okingly furious manner. ,o you willF )t would 7e lovely if you always #andled yourself 7eautifully w#en angry and did not act like a #orse:s ass. $ut you surely will act t#at way at times. )f so= learn to acce.t yourself wit# your weaknessDas well as wit# your anger. Your stu.idity merely s#ows your #umanity. >+eonardo da Linci= )saac Aewton= and Al7ert &instein sometimes acted idiotically. And so will you.?

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Acknowledge your a7ility to c#ange and to act less angrily. You will never ac#ieve .erfect lack of #ostility= 7ut you can make yourself less freCuently furious. "ry= and don:t give u. too easily. Bive yourself .ractice at talking yourself out of your rage= and try= at t#e same time= to talk some of your close friends and associates out of t#eir rage. )f you can s#ow some of t#em #ow to feel muc# less #ostile= you will t#en .ractice #ow to calm yourself down. 3#en you do feel angry= try to acknowledge t#is to 7ot# yourself and ot#ers. Aot always= of courseF )f you feel very angry at your sc#ool .rinci.al or at one of your students= .er#a.s you:d 7etter .retend t#at you don:t. $ut wit# your friends and associatesDwit# w#om you can 7e fairly #onestD7y all means 7e #onest. Admit to t#em #ow angry you feelDand also to yourself t#at you made yourself angry. $y admitting t#is= you will avoid sCuelc#ing your anger and kee.ing it under strong wra.s. )f you want to live successfully wit# your anger= you:d 7etter do some of t#e same t#ings t#at you would do if you wanted to lessen it. %ational-emotive-7e#avioral tec#niCues work in muc# t#e same way w#et#er you want to minimi8e your emotional distur7ance or live more #a..ily w#ile you still e9.erience it. You can see t#is= for e9am.le= in Paul A. Hauck:s 7ook= )vercoming 8rustration and #nger, one of t#e few treatises written on low frustration tolerance and rage. 2r. Hauck gives several good rules for avoiding #ostile feelings and actions= 7ut you can successfully use some of t#em if you want to survive #a..ily w#ile you are still anger-.rone. He .oints out= for e9am.le= t#at rig#teous indignation gives you no good e9cuse to remain angry= for all anger tends to include rig#teousness! <)n fact= anger wouldn:t arise in t#e first .lace if you didn:t t#ink you were com.letely rig#t in your o.inion and t#at t#e ot#er .erson was com.letely wrong. "#at even a..lies to t#ings and nature. 3#en you give your flat tire an angry kick you really are trying to tell t#e world t#at t#at tire #ad no rig#t to go flat on you= t#at it #as done a mean and dirty trick= and t#at it deserves a kick for 7eing suc# a lousy tire.< %ecogni8ing your <rig#teous indignation< and fully facing its foolis#ness will #el. you sto. kicking t#e tireDand also #el. you

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angrily kick it w#ile #umorously acknowledging your own anger and acce.ting it as .art of your falli7le all-too-#uman condition. 2r. Hauck s#ows t#at w#en you feel angry= you freCuently note real failings of a .erson and can legitimately make yourself .ro7lemoriented >to remove t#ose failings?= instead of 7lame-oriented >condemning t#e .erson or o7;ect for #aving deficiencies?. Here #e 7rings out t#e %&$" view t#at you:d 7etter make yourself .ro7lemcentered rat#er t#an self-centered a7out un.leasant #a..enings= w#et#er caused 7y you or anyone else. $ut #e goes a little 7eyond t#is to .oint out t#at w#en you feel angry= you can make yourself fault-oriented. <)f you don:t know w#at:s at fault= you can:t very well c#ange t#e trou7le. ,o 7eing fault-oriented is good and not at all t#e same as 7lame-oriented.< Your anger can #el. you see t#at somet#ing #as serious faults and t#at you can try to remove or minimi8e t#ese faults. )n t#is sense you can constructively use and live wit# your angerDif you em.loy it to #el. you detect your own= and ot#ers: deficiencies= and to tackle t#e .ro7lem of doing somet#ing to correct t#ese deficiencies. Along t#e same lines= 2r. Hauck notes t#at <t#e trick is to forgive everything, and forget nothing.: Aicely statedF $y forgiving me for .romising to s#are an a.artment wit# you and t#en reneging on my .romise= 7y acce.ting me as a #uman with my crummy 7e#avior= you can deal wit# ot#er incidents of t#is sort if and w#en t#ey occur. Again= if you do t#is= you can live successfully wit# your feelings of anger 7y using t#em to assess my failings= to figure out w#at to do a7out t#em= and to feel less angry and more .ro7lemsolving. Paul Hauck also recommends t#e diversion tec#niCue of counting to ten to #el. you deal wit# your anger! <As corny as t#is may sound= t#e met#od nevert#eless #as merit. )t will not of course .revent you from t#inking angrily >only c#allenging t#e idea t#at you must #ave your way can do t#at?. $ut it will aid you in controlling your anger long enoug# to .revent you from .utting your foot into your mout# and will give you time to collect your t#oug#ts.< Euite so. And similarly= you can use many of t#e ot#er diversion tec#niCues mentioned in t#e c#a.ter on 7e#avioral met#ods to give

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yourself time to 7ecome less angry and also to live more successfully wit# your feelings of rage. As long as you see t#at t#ese met#ods tem.orarily interru.t 7ut do not really cure your anger= as long as you acknowledge t#at you still wrongly enrage yourself= and as long as you use diversions to calm yourself so t#at you can continue to reduce your anger= you can almost #a..ily live wit# feelings of rage. ,o count to ten= take a walk= turn on t#e "L set= or ot#erwise give yourself a 7reat#ing .eriod t#at interru.ts your #ostility and gives you time to work against it. +et me say t#at ;ust a7out all t#e anger-reducing met#ods outlined in t#is 7ook can also #el. you live muc# 7etter and suffer muc# less w#ile you still feel enraged. )n t#e course of your wrat#ful e9.eriences you can recogni8e t#at you 7asically create your own feelingsG t#at you can t#ink and act your way into unangry c#annelsG t#at you can divert yourself tem.orarily into less intense .at#waysG t#at you can focus on solving your .ro7lems wit# .eo.le and t#ings rat#er t#an on u.setting yourself a7out t#emG and t#at alt#oug# rage seems to control you= you #ave remarka7le .owers to control and c#ange it. "#ese recognitions will #el. you live muc# 7etter= wit# far less .enali8ing results= wit# and wit#out your severe #ostile feelings. You may find 7e#aving in t#is manner sufficiently satisfying to sto. rig#t t#ere. You don:t have to make yourself unangry almost every time you create your anger. You can acce.t yourself wit# your resentful feelings and do yourself a lot of good 7y t#is very acce.tance. ) t#ink you will often find= #owever= t#at w#en you consistently start to reac# t#is stage= w#en you stu77ornly refuse to down yourself w#en you feel angry= and w#en you look more at t#e .ro7lem-solving as.ects of o7no9ious situations and less at t#eir <#orri7le< unfairness= you will .ro7a7ly want to go on to t#e ne9t and more elegant ste.! reducing your anger for a more forgiving= less damning attitude toward t#e world and t#e .eo.le in it. Aot t#at you #ave to. $ut w#y not try it and see?

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Postscri.t! How to 2eal 3it# )nternational "errorism

"#e first edition of t#is 7ook was written in 151' and .u7lis#ed in 1511= w#en international terrorism was ram.ant 7ut not as serious as today. "#e events of ,e.tem7er 11= 2661= and continuing incidents of world strife #ave multi.lied international raging and t#e t#reats to .eace. How can you deal wit# terrorism? Aot very easilyF ) gave an invited address= <Fanaticism "#at May +ead to a Holocaust! "#e Contri7utions of ,cientific Counseling and Psyc#ot#era.y=< to t#e American Counseling Association:s annual convention in Aew York in 154/ >.u7lis#ed in 154' in t#e influential ;ournal of t#e ACA?. Alt#oug# in 154/ our world was not in imminent danger from fanatical terrorists= my .a.er #ig#lig#ted several im.ortant ways t#at it mig#t well soon 7e at risk! >1? Political governments of t#e world are unlikely to start nuclear warfare 7ecause t#ey are led 7y res.onsi7le leaders w#o fear re.risals in kind. >2? ,mall grou.s of dedicated fanatics may= if t#ey can= start a nuclear conflagration 7ecause t#ey are out to .rove t#at t#ey are 166 .ercent rig#t and t#at t#eir o..onentsDt#e rest of usDare 166 .ercent wrong. >(? ,uc# grou.s of fanatics include kamika8e fig#ters w#o are certain t#at t#ey will 7e rewarded in an afterlife if t#ey

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kill t#emselves and ot#ers in terrorist attacks. >*? Modern tec#nology= w#ic# kee.s im.roving= makes it .ossi7le for a few 7igots to decimate muc# greater num7ers of t#e rest of us t#an was .reviously .ossi7le. >/? &ventually t#e day will come w#en a .altry few individuals can use nuclear >and ot#er? wea.ons to wi.e out 7illions of .eo.le and ot#er living creatures. $illions? Yes= 7illions. <)s t#ere=< ) asked in 154/= <any feasi7le answer to t#is grave= im.ending .ro7lem?< Yes= ) o.timistically answered! t#e worldwide use of scientific counseling and .syc#ot#era.y to minimi8e 7igotry= .re;udice= grandiosity= and ot#er elements of a7solutistic t#inking. $ut ) faced t#e #ard fact t#at effective .syc#ot#era.y takes too long and is too e9.ensive to 7e used wit# 7illions of .eo.le. ) said t#at <we #ad 7etter ada.t it to educational a..lications so t#at virtually all #umans from kindergarten onward can 7e s#own w#at t#ey are doing to endlessly u.set and infuriate t#emselves and are .resented wit# cognitive= emotive= and 7e#avioral tec#niCues t#ey can use to calm t#emselves to t#ink and act more rationally. +arge-scale educationDin t#e sc#ools= in community grou.s= in religious institutions= and in every mass media formatD#ad 7etter incor.orate t#era.eutic tec#nologies and 7ring t#em to t#e masses. Yes= all t#e masses.< $rave words for 154/F ) #ad forgotten t#ese s.ecific antiterrorist words w#en ) wrote on ,e.tem7er 12= 2661= my mont#ly res.onse to t#e Ask Al7ert &llis Cuestion for our institute:s 3e7 site. "#e terrorist attacks on t#e 3orld "rade Center and t#e Pentagon #ad ;ust occurred. ) 7riefly .resented t#e %&$" view on terrorism wit#out consulting my 154/ .a.er. Here is my 3e7 site res.onse to a current Cuestion! Ask Albert Ellis, Se te!ber 2001 How would one go a7out using %&$" in order to co.e and to #el. ot#ers co.e wit# t#e tragic events t#at took .lace on ,e.tem7er 11 ? ) am looking for a .roactive way to deal wit# t#e 7rutality of t#is act= 7ut find t#at my )rrational $eliefs and shoulds are getting in my way.

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7r. Ellis answers" Your )rrational $eliefs and shoulds t#at get in your way .ro7a7ly include! 1.<) a7solutely must 7e a7le to figure out a way to sto. terror ists from acting so 7rutally and killing and maiming so many .eo.le= and t#ere is somet#ing very weak and inadeCuate a7out me 7ecause ) can:t find a way to sto. t#is kind of terror ism.< 2.<"#e terrorists and t#eir 7ackers #ave .er.etrated some of t#e worst deeds imagina7leG t#is makes t#em completely rotten peoplew#o should absolutely be exterminated DCuicklyDsince only killing all of t#em will sto. t#is deed from #a..ening again.< (.<$ecause t#e world is so full of cruel violence and terror ism= it is a totally des.ica7le .lace and ) cannot continue to live in it and 7e at all #a..y.<

"#ese ideas are irrational 7ecause= as Alfred @or8y7ski noted in &cience and &anity in 15((= t#ey are unrealistic and illogical overgenerali8ations t#at render .eo.le <unsane.< My 15'2 7ook= -eason and Emotion in ?sychotherapy, s#owed t#at all t#ree of t#ese 7eliefsDand many similar a7solutistic shoulds and mustsD lead you >and innumera7le ot#er .eo.le? to make yourself not only very sad and dis.leased wit# t#e terrorists: a7omina7le 7e#avior= 7ut also to dysfunctionally overw#elm yourself wit# .anic= rage= and de.ression. "#us= t#e first of t#ese )rrational $eliefs will cause you to loat#e your entire self= or .erson#ood= not to only de.lore your weakness and inadeCuacy to #alt terrorism. "#e second of t#ese )rrational $eliefs will make you t#oroug#ly des.ise t#e terrorists >and all ot#er .eo.le w#o do cruel deeds? and consume yourself wit# rage. "#e t#ird of t#ese )rrational $eliefs will make you #o.elessly de.ressed a7out t#e .resent and future state of t#e world and encourage you to o7sessively contem.lateDand .er#a.s actually commitDsuicide. )ronically= t#ese t#ree self-defeating shoulds and musts are .ro7a7ly very similar to t#ose #eld 7y t#e terrorists= w#o un-

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sanely killed t#emselves and t#ousands of innocent .eo.le for w#at t#ey considered a #oly crusade. "#ey first considered t#emselves .owerless 7ecause t#ey could not sto. America from <cruelly< siding wit# t#eir enemiesG and t#ey t#erefore felt t#at t#ey absolutely had to .unis# America to .rove t#at t#ey t#emselves were .owerful and wort#w#ile individuals. ,econd= t#ey devoutly 7elieved t#at Americans absolutely must not o..ose t#eir .osition and t#at all #mericans are complete devils w#o deserve to 7e wi.ed out. "#ird= t#ey dogmatically convinced t#emselves t#ere is no use living in and trying to lead a #a..y life in suc# a totally evil worldG and t#erefore= 7y killing t#e infidels= t#ey would attain eternal= 7lissful life. ,o= wit# t#ese unsane 7eliefs= t#ey ent#usiastically killed t#emselves along wit# countless innocent .eo.le. )f you and t#e rest of America and world citi8ens kee. reinforcing your )rrational $eliefs= you will enrage yourself against t#e terrorists and t#eir 7ackers and in t#e .rocess will likely encourage t#em to increase t#eir fury against Americans and ot#er .eo.le w#o o..ose t#em= and will encourage more retaliation 7y t#em= 7y us again= until t#e cycle of retaliation .reci.itates a worldwide war and Cuite .ossi7ly t#e end of our .lanet. As ancient lore and modern #istory #ave am.ly s#own= love 7egets love and #atred and violence 7eget increased #atred and violenceDwit# no end in sig#tF You ask #ow %&$" would #el. you co.e wit# and #el. ot#ers co.e wit# t#e tragic events of ,e.tem7er 11. "#at reCuires a long answer= w#ic# ) can only 7riefly summari8e #ere. First= you can use %&$" to teac# yourselfDand all ot#ersD unconditional self-acceptance. "#at is= you fully acce.t yourself wit# all of your warts and flaws= w#ile #eartily disliking and doing your 7est to c#ange some of your self-defeating 7e#aviors and 7ad 7e#avior toward ot#ers. ,econd= you can use %&$" to unconditionally accept all other people as .ersons= no matter #ow 7ad t#ey act. 6ou can= of course= firmly try to induce t#em= in a variety of ways= to c#ange t#eir self-sa7otaging and immoral t#oug#ts= feelings= and actions.

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)n C#ristian terms= you unconditionally acce.t all sinners 7ut not t#eir sins. 0ltimately some 7e#aviors may reCuire sanctions or im.risonment for individuals. "#ird= you unconditionally accept life, wit# its immense .ro7lems and difficulties= and teac# yourself to #ave #ig# frustration tolerance. As %ein#old Aie7u#r said= you strive to c#ange t#e unfortunate t#ings t#at you can c#ange= to acce.t >7ut not to like? t#ose t#at you cannot c#ange= and to #ave t#e wisdom to know t#e difference. )f you ac#ieve a good measure of t#ese t#ree %&$" .#iloso.#iesDt#at is= unconditional self-acce.tance= unconditional ot#er-acce.tance= and unconditional life-acce.tanceDwill you t#erefore 7e a7le to convince terrorists to c#ange t#eir a7so-lutistic 7igoted ways? Aot e9actly. $ut you will co.e muc# 7etter wit# terrorism= #el. ot#ers to co.e wit# it= and model 7e#avior t#at can= if you strongly encourage it to 7e followed around t#e world= eventually reduce it to a minimum. "#is will take many years to effect= and will reCuire immense and .ersistent educational efforts 7y you and ot#ers to .romote .eaceful and coo.erative solutions instead of #ateful and destructive <solutions< to serious national and international difficulties. )f we fail to work on our own 7elief systems to .roduce t#is long-term .ur.ose= we will only ensure renewed terrorism for decades= and .er#a.s centuries= to come. Are you willing to kee. relentlessly working for %&$":s recommendations for self-.eace= .eace to ot#er #umans= and .eace to t#e world? )f so= you may #el. .eo.le of goodwill to t#ink= .lan= and e9ecute eventual answers to terrorism and many ot#er serious world .ro7lems. As you can see and as you mig#t e9.ect= my %&$" .#iloso.#y of #ow we can react to terrorism= and #ow you can use it to .ossi7ly save t#e world from its assaults= is still t#e same. ) .romise no .erfect or s#ort-range solutions to t#is .ro7lem. Aone. 0sing t#e %&$" t#inking= feeling= and 7e#aving met#ods descri7ed in t#is 7ook= you can do w#at ) #ave recently s#own many of

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my individual and grou. t#era.y clients as well as my works#o. .artici.antsDt#at is= #ow to react to terrorism. CinimiPe your anxiety about terrorism. "erroristic incidents will reoccur. For t#e time 7eing= t#ere:s no sto..ing t#em. ,o 7e very concerned a7out dealing wit# terrorism and #el.ing ot#ers= es.ecially your c#ildren= to co.e wit# it. And do as muc# as you can to .romote a .syc#ological educational attitude in yourself and ot#ers t#at will #el. to minimi8e terrorism. e concerned Dbut not overconcerned and panic1ed. )ncidents will occur= 7ut not often to you and your loved ones. Fortunately= only a few fanatics will find it feasi7le at .resent to .lot= sc#eme= .lan= and carry out terroristic attacks. "#ese few may disru.t and kill t#ousands= 7ut not millions. You and your loved ones will most .ro7a7ly 7e affected 7ut still s.ared. You and t#ey will survive. $ut if you don:t= you will merely die 7efore your time. ,o live and try to en;oy your life w#ile you mayF CinimiPe your depression about terrorism. "errorism is e9.ectantly 7adDone of t#e worst t#ings t#at can #a..en to you and to ot#ers. $ut it is not totally 7ad= as 7ad as it could .ossi7ly 7e. )t always could 7e worseDlike a s#ooting star t#at destroys t#e entire eart#. )t is never awful, meaning 7adder t#an it absolutely should 7e. You can stand itDfind some #a..iness in a terroristic= war-filled world. )t is >ust very= very 7ad. Period. )f you acce.t t#e %&$" antiawfuli8ing .#iloso.#y= you will 7e Cuite sad a7out .resent and future terrorismD7ut not make yourself feel de.ressed and #o.eless. CinimiPe your rage about terrorism. "erroristic violence is= 7y normal social standards= e9tremely unfairDto its murdered and maimed victims= to you and your loved ones= and to #umanity as a w#ole. )t may .ossi7ly #ave some advantagesDsuc# as t#e removal of .resent and future un.leasantnessD7ut it wreaks so muc# #arm and encourages so muc# continuing #atred and re.risals t#at its gains are most Cuestiona7le. )ts cost-7enefit ratio is= in 7ot# t#e s#ort and long run= distinctly minus. ,o also wit# your rage a7out terrorism. Your strong distaste and dislike a7out it= if unaccom.anied 7y rage and vindictiveness= may well #el. you to survive= to .re.are= and in some .ractical ways to reduce or .revent it. $ut your raging a7out

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it= and your damning its .ractitioners as evil people, will most likely encourage more terrorism. Your raging against terrorism= moreover= #as many .ersonal disadvantages. )t encourages you to 7e o7sessed wit# .eo.le you #ate. )t consumes muc# time and energy. )t 7rings you more frustration t#an t#e actual .ro7lem it creates. )t may easily lead to several .syc#osomatic ailments= suc# as cardiac and intestinal .ro7lems. )t augments your overgenerali8ing and your mustur7atory t#inking. )t makes you as 7igoted and damning as t#e terrorists t#emselves. )t #el.s make you act im.ulsively and foolis#ly. And so fort# and so onF )nstead of raging against terrorism= you can ac#ieve most of t#e advantages of making yourself incensed 7y .owerfully disliking it= steadily denouncing it= intensely t#inking a7out it= and determinedly doing everyt#ing you can do to .lan and sc#eme to teac# ot#ers to act against it strongly= 7ut not franticallyF "#is 7rings me to consider in more detail s.iritual and religious tec#niCues of dealing wit# your terror of terrorism= w#ic# ) #ave only 7riefly mentioned so far. ,.iritual met#ods largely go toget#er wit# a #umanistic-e9istentialist a..roac#= w#ic# %&$" #eavily su..orts. You could= of course= 7elieve in s.irits= suc# as angels and toot# fairies= w#om you could endow wit# .eace-loving Cualities and t#ere7y #el. calm your fears and ena7le you to co.e wit# and .redict t#e end of terrorism. Few of you .ro7a7ly do t#ese days= and certainly ) .ersonally don:t. )f it serves you well= use it. <,.iritual Boals and ,.irited Lalues in Psyc#ot#era.y< one of my .a.ers >recently .u7lis#ed in t#e main Adlerlian ;ournal? s#ows #ow t#era.ists #ave increasingly used s.irituality. $ut t#ey largely give it an e9istential-#umanistic meaning= and #ave encouraged t#eir clients to create a vital= a7sor7ing meaning and .ur.ose to t#eir lives and to devote t#emselves to #el.ing ot#ers= t#eir community= and t#e world instead of only to individual <selfis#< interests.< "#is kind of s.iritual a..roac# is one of t#e main teac#ings of %&$". As s#own t#roug#out t#is 7ook= it es.ouses unconditional ot#er-acce.tance >0 A? toget#er wit# unconditional self-acce.tance >0,A? and unconditional life-acce.tance >0+A?. As ) indicate in

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)vercoming 7estructive eliefs, 8eelings, and ehaviors, it also favors t#e develo.mental t#era.y of Allen )vey and ,andra %iga8io2iBilio= w#ic# encourages t#era.ists to use cognitive= emotive= and 7e#avioral met#ods to co.e wit# t#eir clients: stressful social conditions 7ut also to try to 7etter t#ese conditions. "#is= t#en= is a kind of s.irituality you can em7race w#en faced wit# terrorism. "ry as 7est you may to develo. a long-lasting and meaningful .ur.ose for your own lifeG aid as muc# as you can t#e 7enevolent .ur.oses of ot#ersG and .ersistently strive to #el. t#e .resent terroristic world c#ange for t#e 7etter. "ry= aid= and striveF Allen )vey and #is associates= along wit# many ot#er .syc#ologists suc# as 2erald 3ing ,ue= #ave .ioneered in .romoting multicultural as.ects of t#era.y. As ) indicate in my newly revised edition of )vercoming -esistance, anger= rage= terrorism= and ot#er serious distur7ances are accom.anied 7y rigid= a7solutistic t#inkingDw#ic# to some e9tent afflicts all #umans= including #uman t#era.ists. ConseCuently= t#era.ists from one culture tend to 7e .re;udiced against and in im.ortant ways o..ress clients of anot#er culture. As 2rs. )vey= ,ue= and ot#er multicultural t#era.ists em.#asi8e= we #ad 7etter make enormous efforts to counterattack t#is 7igotry. You= too= may tend to 7e strongly 7iased against multiversity= and to view .eo.le of a different se9= et#nic grou.= .olitical and economic status= or religious .ersuasion wit# .re;udiced attitudes. Almost inevita7lyF Your narrow-minded= one-sided views may create and maintain t#e many as.ects of anger and rage we #ave 7een discussing in t#is 7ook. ,trong multiverse t#oug#ts= feelings= and actions are reCuired to counteract all-too-#uman 7igotry and #el. alleviate rage and terrorism. Are you ready to t#ink= feel= and act to do so? "errorism #as many severe .syc#ological and .#ysical disadvantages. +ike emotional distur7ance itself= it #as im.ortant secondary sym.toms t#at often e9acer7ate its .rimary sym.toms. As e9.lained earlier= w#en you make yourself enraged at .eo.le w#o treat you 7adly= you suffer t#e .rimary feeling of anger. $ut t#en you may enrage yourself at your raging= and t#ere7y suffer t#e secondary sym.toms of guilt= self-downing= and de.ression. "#ese secondary

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sym.toms are sometimes worse t#an t#e .rimary rage 7ecause t#ey may lead to all kinds of emotional .ain as well as serious e9ternal disadvantages. "#us= if you damn and de.ress yourself a7out your raging= you may turn off ot#er .eo.le= work inefficiently= en;oy .ractically not#ing= and even commit suicide. You feel #o.eless and you act #o.elessly. ,econdary sym.toms are acknowledged and can 7e treated wit# %&$" and many ot#er forms of t#era.y. "#ey are so devastating t#at t#ey can #ardly 7e ignored. $ut are t#e secondary and also t#e tertiary sym.toms of terrorism eCually clear? Pro7a7ly notDlet us look at some of t#em. ,ome .rimary results of ur7an terrorism are fairly o7vious. Citi8ens are killed or maimed. $uildings and ot#er structures are destroyed. "rans.ortation is disru.ted for mont#s. Ho7s are lost= some never to 7e re.laced. Peo.le are #os.itali8ed and may reCuire longterm medical treatment. %esidents may 7ecome tem.orarily #omeless and some may never find good living Cuarters again. $illions of dollars can 7e lost 7y individual 7usinesses= governmental agencies= c#arita7le and ot#er institutions. Peo.le w#o found t#emselves in t#e center of t#e terrorism and ot#ers w#o were far from t#ere 7ut w#o witnessed it on television or w#o read a7out it can 7e emotionally terrori8ed wit# intense an9iety= rage= and de.ression during or after t#eir e9.eriences. n and onF "oo many grim results to count. $ut w#at a7out t#e secondary results? Again= too many to count. +et us first consider t#e normal concern= vigilance= and caution t#at .eo.le follow w#en terroristic incidents occur. "#ese feelings were and still are 7eing e9.erienced 7y t#ousands of American and ot#er .eo.le and will lead to im.roved cautions at air.orts and ot#er dangerous .laces now and in t#e future. "#is will result in all kinds of difficulties= time e9.ended= and e9.ense for tens of t#ousands of .eo.le. ) .ersonally travel a great dealDa7out forty flig#ts a yearDto American and foreign cities to give works#o.s and lectures. "#oug# ) #aven:t cut down on t#ese tri.s= 7ecause ) rationally t#ink t#at t#e c#ance of my getting #urt or killed is still very slig#t >less t#an one c#ance in a million for t#e year 2662?= ) still am Cuite inconvenienced on my tri.s. ) #ave to leave earlier for t#e air-

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.orts= take e9tra time to c#eck in and clear my 7aggage= cut to a 7are minimum t#e items ) take wit# me >no little .air of scissors?= make sure t#at ) .ack everyt#ing myself= and so on. $ut ) can:t avoid t#ese e9tra trou7les= so ) unu.settedly .ut u. wit# t#em. However= ) and many ot#er .eo.le are inconvenienced 7y t#em= and t#at is our .enalty for t#e aut#orities: e9erting normal caution. Yes= even #ealt#y cautionDlike .aying for fire insuranceDe9acts .enalties. ,erious an9iety or .anic a7out terrorism >or anyt#ing else? also 7rings on many difficulties and .enalties. "#us= if ) were .anicked a7out t#e slig#t .ossi7ility t#at terrorism would kill or #arm me= es.ecially if ) take .lane flig#ts= ) would .ro7a7ly cancel all my tri.s and t#ere7y limit myself and lose money for t#e Al7ert &llis )nstitute= w#ic# gets all t#e income from t#ese tri.s. $ut since ) am only concerned and not .anicked= ) .ut u. wit# t#e inconvenience t#at follows from t#e aut#orities: natural caution and take my tri.s as usual. Concern and an9iety >overconcern? lead to many difficult inconveniences! Concern= #owever= usually does not create secondary sym.tomsD concern a7out concern. "#is is 7ecause concern is #el.ful and ) >and t#e aut#orities? favor it. $ut an9iety >overconcern? is often very uncomforta7le and leads to an9iety a7out an9iety. Peo.le tell t#emselves= <,ince an9iety is uncomforta7le and 7rings a7out suc# 7ad results= ) must not feel an9ious= must not feel an9iousF< "#en t#ey feel an9ious about t#eir feelings of an9ietyDt#ey .roduce a secondary sym.tom. "#ey also t#en get worse resultsF An9iety itself and an9iety a7out an9iety often lead to irrational and self-defeating .#o7ias. "#e view t#at <&levators must always 7e .erfectly safeF< creates .#o7ias a7out riding in elevatorsDw#ic# are fantastically safe and result in .er#a.s a few accidents every year out of 7illions of elevator rides. <) must not 7e an9ious a7out riding in elevatorsF< creates an9iety a7out elevator an9ietyDand .roduces worse .#o7ias. Peo.le unnecessarily walk u. and down stairs= refuse to work in skyscra.ers or live in a.artments in tall 7uildings= and .anic a7out living on #ig#er floors w#en t#ey do reside in t#em. Aone of t#ese .#o7ics #ave 7een #urt or #ave even #eard of .eo.le w#o were seriously #urt in elevator cras#es. ,till t#ey .anic and still

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t#ey .anic a7out t#eir .anic. "#is is w#at is #a..ening= and will continue to #a..en= as t#e result of ,e.tem7er 11 terrorism. Millions of Americans and ot#er .eo.le w#o were now#ere near t#e 3orld "rade Center and t#eir friends and relatives did not directly suffer from t#e attacks are now terrified a7out tall 7uildings= loud noises= taking air.lane flig#ts= walking in t#e streets= using 7ridges= tunnels= and su7ways= living in Aew York= visiting Aew York= and scores of ot#er t#ings t#at 7efore t#e terrorist attacks t#ey unt#inkingly= unfearfully en;oyed. Yes= millionsF "#e dismal results of t#is kind of .anic #ave multi.le levels. 8irst" panic. <) should be .erfectly safe and o7viously ):m not and t#at:s terrible9 My friends and relatives and ot#er .eo.le absolutely should not 7e in danger and o7viously t#ey are= and t#at:s awfulF< <) a7solutely s#ould 7e a7le to do somet#ing to sto. t#is kind of terrorism and ) can:t do anyt#ing to sto. it. ):m an inadeCuate weaklingF< <,to..ing terrorism is #o.eless= so ) can:t 7e #a..y in any way w#ile it continues.< &econd" panic about panic. <) must not .anicF ):m a weakling for .anickingF Aot every7ody .anics as 7adly as ) do and ) s#ould #ave muc# more control over myself t#an ) #aveF< <My .anic makes me feel very uncomforta7le and ) can:t stand suc# discomfortF ) can:t 7e #a..y at all wit# itF< =hird" panic about restrictions and personal and other losses caused terrorism. <) can2t stand t#e restrictions and losses caused 7y t#e terrorism and t#e .recautions we must now takeF< <"#e discomforts and sorrows stemming from t#e terrorism a7solutely should not e9ist. "#ey:re too #ard to 7ear= too de.riving and awfull: 8ourth" panic about responding so badly to the results of the terroris <) absolutely shouldn 2t take t#e restrictions and t#e losses caused 7y t#e terrorism so 7adlyF ) must not 7e suc# a ninny and make myself com.letely desolate w#en ) am merely de.rived 7y t#ose losses and restrictionsF< n several levels= t#en= you can .anic yourself a7out t#e e9istence of terroristic dangers. You can .anic a7out your .anic= a7out your .anic a7out your restrictions and losses connected wit# terrorism= and a7out your weakness and low frustration tolerance in not

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7earing u. under t#ese restrictions as well as you su..osedly should tolerate t#em. "#e ways in w#ic# you can u.set yourself and u.set yourself a7out u.setness are almost endlessF n a .ersonal level= distur7ing yourself a7out terrorism >.rimary distur7ance? and distur7ing yourself a7out distur7ing yourself >secondary distur7ance? #ave many emotional and .ractical conseCuences. $ut= fortunately= you are a constructionist w#o #as 7een 7orn and raised wit# t#e a7ility to reduce your distur7ances. Yes= even your distur7a7lity. "#at:s w#at ) kee. s#owing #ow to do in t#is 7ook. However= you #ave little a7ility to Cuickly #el. reduce ot#er .eo.le:s .rimary and secondary distur7ances or to reduce t#e economic= .olitical= and social results of t#eir u.seta7lilty. 3#at a7out that< Can you alleviate t#ese grim results of w#at we can call tertiary conseCuences of distur7ance? ) t#ink you can. "#e terrorism of ,e.tem7er 11= 2661= toget#er wit# .eo.le:s .anic >and .anic a7out t#eir .anic?= #as led to many socioeconomic .ro7lems= suc# as ;o7 losses= 7oycotts of tall 7uildings= reduced air travel= tourism losses= and more. Can you .ersonally do anyt#ing to curtail t#ese considera7le .ro7lems? Yes. Alt#oug# you cannot create miracles in t#is res.ect= #ere are some of t#e s.ecific t#ings you can do if you a..ly t#e t#eory and .ractice of %&$" as descri7ed in t#is 7ook to your and ot#er .eo.le:s .anic a7out terroristic attacks. 1. e realistically concerned. For many reasons t#at ) #ave given in t#is c#a.ter= terrorism like t#at of ,e.tem7er 11= 2661= #ad 7etter 7e one of your .rime concerns. &s.ecially given t#e develo.ments of deadlier and more easily a..lied tec#nology= it couldDand al ready #asDwreaked great #avoc and could one of t#ese days .ossi 7ly wi.e out t#e #uman race. Auclear and medical <advances< marc# on. 2o everyt#ing you can= .olitically and socially= to let your legislators know of your concern and your determination to act on it. 2.Natch your unrealistic and illogical panic1ing. "errorism .ro7a 7ly won:t kill you and your loved ones= nor t#e entire #uman race= at least not today or tomorrow. Most likely= it can 7e cut down and .er#a.s ultimately a7olis#ed. $ut .anic= raging= and damning of all terrorists may augment rat#er t#an reduce it. "errorists commit evil

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t#ey .anic a7out t#eir .anic. "#is is w#at is #a..ening= and will continue to #a..en= as t#e result of ,e.tem7er 11 terrorism. Millions of Americans and ot#er .eo.le w#o were now#ere near t#e 3orld "rade Center and t#eir friends and relatives did not directly suffer from t#e attacks are now terrified a7out tall 7uildings= loud noises= taking air.lane flig#ts= walking in t#e streets= using 7ridges= tunnels= and su7ways= living in Aew York= visiting Aew York= and scores of ot#er t#ings t#at 7efore t#e terrorist attacks t#ey unt#inkingly= unfearfully en;oyed. Yes= millionsF "#e dismal results of t#is kind of .anic #ave multi.le levels. 8irst" panic. <) should be .erfecdy safe and o7viously ):m not and t#at:s terrible9 My friends and relatives and ot#er .eo.le absolutely should not 7e in danger and o7viously t#ey are= and t#at:s awfulF< <) a7solutely s#ould 7e a7le to do somet#ing to sto. t#is kind of terrorism and ) can:t do anyt#ing to sto. it. ):m an inadeCuate weaklingF< <,to..ing terrorism is #o.eless= so ) can:t 7e #a..y in any way w#ile it continues.< &econd" panic about panic. <) must not .anicF ):m a weakling for .anickingF Aot every7ody .anics as 7adly as ) do and ) s#ould #ave muc# more control over myself t#an ) #aveF< <My .anic makes me feel very uncomforta7le and ) can:t stand suc# discomfortF ) can:t 7e #a..y at all wit# itF< =hird" panic about restrictions and personal and other losses caused terrorism. <) can2t stand t#e restrictions and losses caused 7y t#e terrorism and t#e .recautions we must now takeF< <"#e discomforts and sorrows stemming from t#e terrorism a7solutely should not e9ist. "#ey:re too #ard to 7ear= too de.riving and awfull: 8ourth" panic about responding so badly to the results of the terroris <) absolutely shouldn2t take t#e restrictions and t#e losses caused 7y t#e terrorism so 7adlyF ) must not 7e suc# a ninny and make myself com.letely desolate w#en ) am merely de.rived 7y t#ose losses and restrictionsF< n several levels= t#en= you can .anic yourself a7out t#e e9istence of terroristic dangers. You can .anic a7out your .anic= a7out your .anic a7out your restrictions and losses connected wit# terrorism= and a7out your weakness and low frustration tolerance in not

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7earing u. under t#ese restrictions as well as you su..osedly should tolerate t#em. "#e ways in w#ic# you can u.set yourself and u.set yourself a7out u.setness are almost endlessF n a .ersonal level= distur7ing yourself a7out terrorism >.rimary distur7ance? and distur7ing yourself a7out distur7ing yourself >secondary distur7ance? #ave many emotional and .ractical conseCuences. $ut= fortunately= you are a constructionist w#o #as 7een 7orn and raised wit# t#e a7ility to reduce your distur7ances. Yes= even your distur7a7lity. "#at:s w#at ) kee. s#owing #ow to do in t#is 7ook. However= you #ave little a7ility to Cuickly #el. reduce ot#er .eo.le:s .rimary and secondary distur7ances or to reduce t#e economic= .olitical= and social results of t#eir u.seta7lilty. 3#at a7out that< Can you alleviate t#ese grim results of w#at we can call tertiary conseCuences of distur7ance? ) t#ink you can. "#e terrorism of ,e.tem7er 11= 2661= toget#er wit# .eo.le:s .anic >and .anic a7out t#eir .anic?= #as led to many socioeconomic .ro7lems= suc# as ;o7 losses= 7oycotts of tall 7uildings= reduced air travel= tourism losses= and more. Can you .ersonally do anyt#ing to curtail t#ese considera7le .ro7lems? Yes. Alt#oug# you cannot create miracles in t#is res.ect= #ere are some of t#e s.ecific t#ings you can do if you a..ly t#e t#eory and .ractice of %&$" as descri7ed in t#is 7ook to your and ot#er .eo.le:s .anic a7out terroristic attacks. 1. e realistically concerned. For many reasons t#at ) #ave given in t#is c#a.ter= terrorism like t#at of ,e.tem7er 11= 2661= #ad 7etter 7e one of your .rime concerns. &s.ecially given t#e develo.ments of deadlier and more easily a..lied tec#nology= it couldDand al ready #asDwreaked great #avoc and could one of t#ese days .ossi 7ly wi.e out t#e #uman race. Auclear and medical <advances< marc# on. 2o everyt#ing you can= .olitically and socially= to let your legislators know of your concern and your determination to act on it. 2.Natch your unrealistic and illogical panic1ing. "errorism .ro7a 7ly won:t kill you and your loved ones= nor t#e entire #uman race= at least not today or tomorrow. Most likely= it can 7e cut down and .er#a.s ultimately a7olis#ed. $ut .anic= raging= and damning of all terrorists may augment rat#er t#an reduce it. "errorists commit evil

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deeds 7ut are not evil .eo.le. Acce.t t#e sinner 7ut not t#e sin. 2is.ute your overgenerali8ing a7out terrorism= terrorists= and everyt#ing else. As Alfred @or8y7ski said in 15( (= you are not and can:t be w#at you do. For you do tens of t#ousands of t#ings in your lifetimeDand will kee. doing t#em until you die. You and t#e terrorists cannot 7e totally and finally evaluated. You and t#ey are an ongoing process. (.Natch your panic1ing about your panic1ing. )t is 7ad= 7ut you are never a bad person for e9.eriencing it. )ntensely telling yourself= <) must not .anicF ) must not .anicF< will usually increase your .anick ing= and its dismal results. Hate your .anic= 7ut never #ate yourself for .anicking. *.7on2t horrify yourself about the restrictions and personal and social losses caused by terrorism. "#ey are 7ad enoug# wit#out your demand ing t#at t#ey absolutely must not e9ist and t#at you can2t stand t#em and 7e #a..y at all if t#ey do. As %ein#old Aie7u#r noted at t#e 7e ginning of t#e twentiet# century= stoically acceptDnot li1eD w#at rig#t now you cannot c#ange. /.7on2t panic about ta1ing the losses and the restrictions of terrorism so seriously. And don:t .anic a7out .anicking a7out t#em= eit#er. )t would 7e lovely if you were stronger and less u.setta7le in t#is re s.ectD7ut you don:t have to 7e. Acce.t t#e grim results of terror ism w#en you cannot= for t#e .resent= c#ange t#emG and acce.t your .anicking reactions to t#ese facts w#ile you work at making your reactions #ealt#y negative feelings= like strong sorrow and re gret= instead of un#ealt#y negative feelings like .anic and rage. '.Nor1 at achieving less upsettability. You will inevita7ly die any way= so focus on living as #a..ily as you can w#ile you:re alive and on finding some degree of #a..iness in s.ite of some of t#e worst t#ingsDsuc# as terrorismDt#at may #a..en to you. 3#en e9ce. tionally 7ad t#ings like terrorism occur= c#oose to feel strong

7ut nondestructive emotions like constructively savoring your .ossi7le last moments. Practice t#is in advance= and 7e .re.ared for t#e worst t#at could #a..en. 1.=ry to teach others how to follow some of the foregoing principles and practices. "ry to teac# your c#ildren= relatives= friends and acCuain-

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tances #ow to make t#emselves less distur7ed a7out terrorism and less distur7ed a7out t#eir distur7ances. "#is kind of teac#ing %&$" to ot#ers may well #el. you use it more t#oroug#ly on yourselfF 4. 7o your best to aid community and social interests. "ry to see t#at antidamning= acce.t-t#e-sinner-7ut-not-t#e-sin .#iloso.#ies are routinely taug#t to all c#ildren in t#e .u7lic= .rivate= and .aroc#ial sc#ool system so t#at terroristic urges 7ecome minimi8ed. )f you c#oose= acCuire a vital a7sor7ing .#iloso.#y of social interest t#at will add to your #ealt#y self-interest and t#ere7y 7enefit you and ot#er .eo.le. nce again= ) realistically em.#asi8e t#at terrorism will not immediately go away= and t#at only in t#e long run will we minimi8e it. &ducation= not 7ickering and arguing= can .resuma7ly work. Meanw#ile= #ere are some .ractical ste.s t#at you .ersonally can take= even w#ile terrorism and its e9ce.tually #armful results continue. "ake t#e a7ove self-c#anging ste.s and consider acting constructively against some of t#e destructive conseCuences of terroristic activities. I,tay wit# most of your usual .ersonal and inter.ersonal .ursuits even t#oug# t#ere is some greater danger of your 7eing #armed. I"ake t#e normal risks of traveling= and es.ecially of flying= t#at you took 7efore ,e.tem7er 11= 2661= and don:t contri7ute to air line disru.tion and economic losses. I"ake vacations and tours t#at you would normally take in <good< times. IHave normal fears of living or working in e9tremely tall 7uild ingsDsuc# as t#e &m.ire ,tate $uildingD7ut not of all #ig#rises. I,.end your income as you regularly would. 2on:t contri7ute to economic .ro7lems in your community 7y unders.ending on <dangerous< tri.s and vacations t#at are statistically only slig#tly riskier t#an t#ey were 7efore t#e terroristic events of ,e.tem7er 11= 2661. 2on:t convince yourself t#at t#ey are <terri7le< risks for you ;ust 7ecause t#e terroristic attack of ,e.tem7er 11= 2661= made t#em fatal to ot#ers.

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As you consider doingDor not doingDt#ese <risky< t#ings= don:t go to ridiculous e9tremes. n t#e one #and= don:t escalate your .ossi7le dangers and radically avoid t#em. 2on:t= for e9am.le= avoid all flying= all tri.s= or freCuenting all tall 7uildings on t#e false assum.tion t#at t#ese activities are exceptionally <dangerous< and t#at your .#o7ias a7out t#em will absolutely save you and your loved ones from #arm. "#ese are du7ious assum.tions= will 7e overly restrictive= and will= if you and many ot#ers follow t#em= lead to severe economic and social conseCuences. "#ey willD.er#a.sFD.rotect you= 7ut create muc# communal= including ultimate personal, #arm. n t#e ot#er #and= don:t t#row all caution to t#e winds and insist on flying carelessly c#ecked .lanes= in very 7ad weat#er= wit# a grou. of strangely acting .eo.le= and wit#out any flig#t insurance. &ven under t#ese conditions= your .lane will most .ro7a7ly not 7e #i;acked and you will 7e safe. $ut ) wouldn:t risk it= if ) were you. "o review! )n t#e s#ort run= terrorism #as 7een wit# us for many centuries and is= 7ecause of tec#nological advances= getting worse. ,to..ing it will .ro7a7ly take many years of individual and grou. education. 3#ile doing your 7est to aid its demise= you can use %&$" and ot#er as.ects of Cognitive $e#avior "#era.y to surrender your .rimary an9iety stemming from your insistences t#at terrorism absolutely must not e9ist. You can c#ange t#em to strong .references and t#us minimi8e your ego an9iety ><) and my loved ones must #ave a guarantee t#at we will succeed in sto..ing it and must not 7e #armedF<? and your discomfort an9iety ><"#e great inconvenience and dangers caused 7y terrorism absolutely must not .lague me and my loved onesF<?. You can also minimi8e your secondary an9iety ><) absolutely must not 7e self-destructively .anicked or de.ressed a7out my distur7ing myself a7out terrorismF<?. You could also sto. yourself from agoni8ing a7out t#e dismal conseCuences of terrorism and from agoni8ing a7out your agoni8ing. You can t#en take several ste.s to live wit# real concern a7out terrorism and its .revention w#ile taking .ractical ste.s to sto. yourself and encourage ot#ers from unconsciously contri7uting to

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t#e social= .olitical= and economic conseCuences t#at tend to follow terroristic acts and to distinctively e9acer7ate t#ese conseCuences. $y sto..ing to t#ink 7efore you act out of .anic= you may contri7ute to cutting down t#e tertiary costs of terrorism= w#ic# often accom.any t#e costs of .rimary .anic and secondary .anic about .anic.