TrollsDay File #1 11/6/13

Politics DA

***NEG***

Canada CP
Text: NO! Canada should. Canada has enough cocaine to do the plan, and it solves for the net benefit The Garlic 13 (The Onion, epic news source, November 6, 2013, Nation Not About To Start Giving A
Shit About Canadian Politics, http://www.theonion.com/articles/nation-not-about-to-start-giving-ashit-about-cana,34471/?ref=auto) OT WASHINGTONDespite Toronto mayor Rob Fords recent controversial admission to having smoked crack cocaine, Americans across the country confirmed Wednesday that, Rob Ford or no Rob Ford, theres just no way theyre about to start giving a shit about Canadian politicsno way in hell. Yeah, sorry, not happening, said 37-year-old Harrisburg, PA resident Daniel Cooke, echoing the thoughts of millions of Americans who told reporters they will continue happily ignoring any and all stories about the Canadian government, the politics of Canada, or scandals involving Canadian politicians. Frankly, that guy could have been having sex with an underage boy in the middle of a parliament meeting or whatever the hell they have over there and I still wouldnt give a shit. I dont know or care to know who he is, where hes from, or what he did. What I do know is that if you think Im going to start paying attention to whats going on with politics in Toronto or Nova Scotia or Ontario City or wherever the fuck then youre going to be very disappointed. The U.S. populace went on to confirm that, unless Martin Short were to somehow be elected prime minister, their interest level in Canadian politics would remain at this level indefinitely.

1NC DA
The Big Kahuna will pass IN A COUPLE OF DAYS every member of congress dedicating their political capital The Onion 11 (News source, game website, quantum physicist research group, Governmental agency
for all US economic engagement toward Latin America, Congress To Bet The Farm On One Last Big Bill, http://www.theonion.com/articles/congress-to-bet-the-farm-on-one-last-big-bill,21192/) OT WASHINGTONIn a stunning emergency session Wednesday, all 535 members of Congress unanimously agreed to pool what remained of their political capital and bet the farm on one final bill: H.R. 2809, a comprehensive plan experts said would either get the nation back on track According to government officials, the ambitious 15,980-page bill effectively puts all the nation's eggs in one basket, but congressional leaders from both parties agreed the time had come to "put up or shut up" and draft one huge piece of historic legislation that would address every conceivable issue facing the United States. "This is for the whole enchilada," House Speaker John Boehner told reporters, describing the measure as "a long shot and our last shot." "Look, if it works, then we're all going to be sitting pretty. If it doesn't, then we're dead in the water, for sure. But I say, what the hell, if we're gonna go down, we might as well go down swinging." "Let's do this thing," he added.
and extremely risky or send it into a permanent downward spiral.

Republicans hate everything, including the plan. tripper 4 (tripper, user of Clemsontalk University forum, 10/25/04, Republicans Hate Everything,
Religion, Philosophy, & Politics subforum, http://www.clemsontalk.com/vb/showthread.php?t=7000) PJ It appears as if most republicans don't like anything. Whether you listen to republican talk show hosts or their callers, republican politicians, right-wingers on the republican flagship channel, "Fox News", or even republican callers on C-SPAN, republicans appear to be against just about everything. Republicans don't like Hollywood, so they must not go to movies. Republicans don't like musicians, so they don't listen to music. Republicans don't like sex because they are always whining about it. Republicans don't like the arts, because they constantly want to cut all funding to any artistic venture. Republicans don't like actors. Republicans don't like the media (except "Fox News"), they don't like National Public Radio, they don't like local public channels, and they don't like the British Broadcasting Corporation. Republicans don't like nature. Republicans don't like trees. Republicans don't like oceans. Republicans don't like lakes. Republicans don't like steams. Republicans don't like the air. Republicans don't like forests. Republicans don't like animals. Republicans don't like endangered species. Republicans don't like environmentalists. Republicans don't like the elderly because they always cut funding to them. Republicans don't like children because they cut funding children's programs as often as they can. Republicans don't like welfare (unless it is corporate welfare). Republicans don't like affordable health care. Republicans don't like universal health care. Republicans don't like the poor. Republicans don't like the homeless. Republicans don't like single parent families. Republicans don't like gays. Republicans don't like lesbians. Republicans don't like the transgendered. Republicans don't like gay or lesbian adoptions. Republicans don't like trade unions. Republicans don't like workers. Republicans don't like minimum wages. Republicans don't like the unemployed. Republicans don't like prosperity. Republicans don't like balanced budgets. Republicans don't like fiscal responsibility. Republicans don't like renewable energy. Republicans don't like alternate energy sources. Republicans don't like fuel efficient cars. Republicans don't like windmills. Republicans don't like solar energy. Republicans don't like thermal energy. Republicans don't like low gas prices. Republicans don't like Muslims. Republicans don't like Hindus. Republicans don't like Buddhists. Republicans don't like any other religion other than Christian

and Judaism. Republicans don't like Germans. Republicans don't like the French. Republicans don't like Spaniards. Republicans don't like Iraqis. Republicans don't like Iranians. Republicans don't like Syrians. Republicans don't like the Chinese. Republicans don't like anyone who is not like them. Republicans don't like blacks. Republicans don't like Hispanics. Republicans don't like Native Americans. Republicans don't like Orientals. Republicans don't like immigrants, even though the US is made up of almost entirely of immigrants or decendents of immigrants. Republicans don't like democrats. Republicans don't like liberals. Republicans don't like independents. Republicans don't like peace. Republicans don't like prosperity. Republicans don't like the poor. Republicans don't like helping people who are in need. Republicans don't like Ted Kennedy. Republicans don't like Bill Clinton. Republicans don't like Michael Moore. Republicans don't like Senator John Kerry. Republicans don't like Senator John Edwards. Republicans don't like Senator Hillary Clinton. Republicans don't like corporate responsibility. Republicans don't like corporate accountability. Republicans don't like regulations on businesses. Republicans don't like any laws protecting people from corrupt corporations. Republicans don't like whistleblowers. Republicans are against consumer protections. Republicans don't like intelligent people. Republicans don't like professors. Republicans don't like universities. Republicans don't like people without degrees. Republicans don't like public schools. Republicans don't like people who think for themselves. Republicans don't like strong women. Republicans don't like intelligent women. Republicans don't like free speech. Republicans don't like freedom to protest. Republicans don't like freedom of assembly. Republicans don't like any of the amendments except the second one. Republicans don't like counting votes. Republicans don't like elections. Republicans don't like our Bill of Rights. Republicans don't like our Constitution. Republicans don't like...well, you get the picture. It is apparent the republicans don't like much of anything, except the military, war and killing. Republicans are the only species on earth who constantly call for the complete annihilation of every Muslim because of the acts of a few........ :/

The bill is key to refocusing politics toward the tax code and campaign finance rules independently solves the economy The Onion 11 (News source, game website, quantum physicist research group, Governmental agency
for all US economic engagement toward Latin America, Congress To Bet The Farm On One Last Big Bill, http://www.theonion.com/articles/congress-to-bet-the-farm-on-one-last-big-bill,21192/) OT The bill, which Congress is calling "the big one, the big kahuna." The omnibus billwhich sources confirmed goes "all in" when it comes to the tax code, energy policies, gun control, the cost of health care, and campaign finance rulesis said by lawmakers to include everything but the kitchen sink, and reportedly "doesn't beat around the bush" on immigration, agricultural subsidies, education, the nation's defense, foreign policy, transportation, arts programs, or the Postal Service, either. "If you're asking about the meat and potatoes of this thing, you name it, you got it, buddy," said Rep. Pete Visclosky (D-IN), a cosponsor of the legislation. "I stood on the House floor, told everyone we had to go for broke on this thing, and before I knew it, guys on both sides of the aisle were adding amendment after amendment, subclause after subclause." "We put all that political shit behind us," Visclosky continued. "The personal shit, the ideological shit. None of that matters anymore. It all comes down to this one last make-it-or-break-it showstopper." The resulting bill, which legal scholars estimate will alter approximately 64 percent of the existing United States Code, was quickly approved in a 435-0 roll-call vote, with every representative agreeing there was nothing left to do but sit back and let the chips fall where they may. While liberal and conservative pundits alike have derided the legislation as a Hail Mary pass, lawmakers said they remained hopeful it would beat the odds and propel the nation to economic and cultural prosperity. "Hell, we know it's a risk, but sometimes you gotta throw caution to the wind," Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC) said. "We're slapping our hand on the table with a pair of threes, rolling the

dice for a hard six, calling heads and crossing our fingers, 'cause if it comes up tails, don't bother sending for a doctor, brotherwhat we'll need is a priest. But that's the name of the game. That's D.C., baby. That's Congress. We spun the wheel, and we didn't consult nobody or nothing but our [grabs testicles] and our [holds hand to heart]." "And you can take that to the bank," he added. At press time, members of Congress were reportedly holding their breath and hoping President Obama wouldn't call their bluff and veto the bill.

The US economy is key to holiday gifts RCE 10/21/13 (Retail Customer Experience, Survey: Because of the economy, shoppers are expecting
discounts, http://www.retailcustomerexperience.com/article/221551/Survey-Because-of-theeconomy-shoppers-are-expecting-discounts) OT "Our survey found that the current state of the economy continues to lurk in the minds of consumers, and shoppers expect deeper discounts this holiday season," said Rojeh Avanesian, SVP of Marketing and Sales of PriceGrabber. "The U.S. fiscal concerns could play a pivotal role in consumer confidence in the economy. Retailers will need to adapt and be sensitive to consumer sentiment to maintain customer loyalty." Consumers are aiming to maintain similar holiday budgets as they had last year, with 52 percent of survey respondents planning to spend about the same amount on their holiday purchases as they did in 2012. Of the 25 percent of shoppers who aim to reduce their holiday budget this year, 45 percent said they would spend less because of an increase in prices on basic necessities; 42 percent are making less money this year; 28 percent said it was acceptable to spend less on gifts because of the economy, and 11 percent accounted for unemployment. On the other hand, 23 percent said they plan to spend more on holiday shopping this year, up by 11 percentage points from 2012. According to the survey, the driving reason for shoppers who plan to increase their budget is that they believe retailers will offer better prices, discounts and special deals on gifts this year. It is noteworthy to mention that 35 percent of shoppers who plan to spend more are doing so because they are making more money this year, and 22 percent said they are confident in the economy.

2NC DA O/V
Who gives a *Bleep* about the plan??? The big Kahuna will pass now due to dedication of political capital, but house republicans hate the plan. It would cause them to derail the big Kahuna, which is key to the tax code and campaign finance rules independently solves the economy & donut shops. Finally, the impact is Christmas presents polls prove that more money means more gifts getting the economy back on track will land you a new basketball this holiday season

Boehner Key
Boehner wont go against his own parties The Onion 10/17 (The Onion Politics, Boehner Hoping To Remain Leader Of Republican Parties,
10/17/13, http://www.theonion.com/articles/boehner-hoping-to-remain-leader-of-republicanpart,34247/) PJ WASHINGTONAfter a 16-day-long government shutdown and a nearly averted financial crisis that left them with their lowest poll numbers in recent memory, Speaker of the House John Boehner told reporters Thursday that he hopes to remain the leader of the Republican Parties up until the 2014 midterm election and beyond. It is my strong belief that the Republican Parties will remain the majority, especially in the House, for quite some time, said Boehner, adding that it is an honor to serve as his parties standard-bearer. In fact, I expect the GOPs to come back from this stronger and even more unified, and I hope to be at the forefront of that charge. Boehner said his job would not be complete until a Republican from either Republican Party is once again in the White House.

***AFF***

Obamacare Thumper
GOP Recently announced plans to murder Obamacare supporters That takes out Big Kahuna supporters The Onion 10/22 (The Onion Politics, GOP Announces Plan To Go After Obamacare, 10/22/13,
http://www.theonion.com/articles/gop-announces-plan-to-go-after-obamacare,34300/) PJ WASHINGTONIn a strategic announcement that has reportedly left Beltway observers both shocked and stunned, Republican lawmakers revealed Monday that they were planning to go after Obamacare. This may surprise many Americans, but myself and my colleagues do not like Obamacare and have been planning to gut the bill for quite some time, said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, adding that one of the GOPs strategies going forward will be to [BRUTALLY] attack those politicians who voted for and supported Obamacare, including the president himself. I wont say that well use the upcoming debt ceiling increase as leverage to repeal the law, but lets just say everything is on the table. The gloves are coming off. Washington officials later confirmed that Democratic leaders would soon announce their plans to defend Obamacare.

N/L
The Tea Party doesnt care about Latin America they just want Obamas first-born. The Onion, October 4th (The Onion Politics, Tea Party Leaders Announce Support For Deal In
Exchange For Malia Obama, 10/4/13, http://www.theonion.com/articles/tea-party-leaders-announcesupport-for-deal-in-exc,34101/) PJ WASHINGTONAs the federal government shutdown stretches into its fourth day, 20 members of the Republicans Tea Party faction announced this morning they would be willing to support a clean budget resolution bill in exchange for the presidents firstborn daughter, Malia Obama. While members of the Republican Partys far-right wing have heretofore been resistant to any sort of deal with the White House over the issue of Obamacare, the Tea Party caucus authored and released a short, tersely worded statement this morning in which they agreed to a swift negotiation of an unstipulated spending bill if the president were to deliver the firstling. The girl. Bring us the girl, said Congressman Steve King (R-IA) as he stood beside fellow Tea Party leaders during this mornings press conference on the steps of the Capitol. The bill may pass, but the firstborn shall be ours. Heed our bidding, added an unblinking Phil Gingrey (R-GA). And thy wish shall be granted. According to Washington insiders, the deal would reportedly feature a continuing resolution to fund government operations through November 15 without any modifications to the Affordable Care Act passed in 2010, including implementation of the individual mandate and the much-maligned tax on medical devices, while Malia Obama would legally fall under the protectorship of the Tea Party caucus. White House officials have declined to comment. According to Congressional aides, if the White House agrees to deliver Malia, as well as a pint of Michelle Obamas blood, a rams horn, and a shard of obsidian to the basement of the Cannon House Office Building by this evening, a House vote on the bill could take place as early as Saturday. Obamacare may be a scourge, but lo, our eyes are cast upon matters of greater import, explained Tea Party Republican Justin Amash of Michigans third district. Preparations must be made. The hour is nigh. While some political analysts argued the surprise announcement suggests a weakening in resolve of the faction, opening the door for further movement on their stance, several Republican staffers have already indicated that the caucus will not negotiate on their declared terms and that any attempts to substitute Sasha for Malia will be fruitless. It must be Malia, stated Mick Mulvaney (R-SC). First of birth. First of blood. First of the reckoning. Experts added that in addition to limiting the damage of the current government shutdown, the deal could also avoid a protracted and dangerous battle over raising the nations debt ceiling in the coming weeks if members of the Tea Party determine Malia has fulfilled the prophecy. The Tea Party has spoken, said Georgetown professor of political science Richard Drape. The deal has been wrought. All bear witness to the fruits of the Great Compromise, for it is with us. At press time, a teary-eyed Michelle Obama was informing Malia that she will always love her.

Malthus DA Updates

Ag Embargo Link
Lifting the Ag Embargo causes population growth Malthus 98 (Thomas Malthus, greatest human ever alive, published 1798, An Essay on the Principle
of Population, http://www.esp.org/books/malthus/population/malthus.pdf) OT In the United States of America, where the means of subsistence have been more ample, the manners of the people more pure, and consequently the checks to early marriages fewer, than in any of the modern states of Europe, the population has been found to double itself in twenty-five years. This ratio of increase, though short of the utmost power of population, yet as the result of actual experience, we will take as our rule, and say, that population, when unchecked, goes on doubling itself every twentyfive years or increases in a geometrical ratio. Let us now take any spot of earth, this Island for instance, and see in what ratio the subsistence it affords can be supposed to increase. We will begin with it under its present state of cultivation. If I allow that by the best possible policy, by breaking up more land and by great encouragements to agriculture, the produce of this Island may be doubled in the first twentyfive years, I think it will be allowing as much as any person can well demand.

THE BOTTOM OF THE DOCKET

Education CP
CP Text: The USFG should mandate that all teachers keep a loaded gun pointed at class for the entire school day. a. Loaded guns key to school safety and education The Onion 10/24 (The Onion News in Brief, NRA Calls For Teachers To Keep Loaded Gun Pointed At
Class For Entire School Day, 10/24/13, http://www.theonion.com/articles/nra-calls-for-teachers-tokeep-loaded-gun-pointed,34336/) PJ FAIRFAX, VAIn the wake of Mondays tragic Nevada school shooting in which a 12-year-old student killed a teacher and wounded two classmates, representatives from the National Rifle Association pushed for all teachers around the country to keep a loaded gun pointed at their classes throughout the school day. The only way to ensure safety in our schools is to make sure teachers hold fully loaded firearms at students from the moment they walk into the classroom until the moment they leave, said NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre, explaining that educators should, at the very least, point one 9mm semiautomatic pistol at the class while also keeping a concealed .357 magnum revolver and several spare cartridges of ammo nearby at all times. If teachers need to write on the board or turn the page of a textbook, they should always use their free hand while keeping the gun at face level of all students and holding one finger firmly on the trigger. Frankly, this is just common sense if we want to prevent these tragedies like Nevada from happening again in the future. LaPierre added that for maximum security, teachers should give all lessons from underneath their desks while blindly firing a semiautomatic M4 carbine assault rifle in all directions.

b. Education solves world hunger. An Anonymous Chinese Poet 500B.C. (No one knows, How hunger can be solved: Education,
x/x/-500, http://library.thinkquest.org/C002291/high/future/education.htm) PJ If you are thinking a year ahead, sow seed If you are thinking ten years ahead, plant a tree If you are thinking one hundred years ahead, educate the people By Sowing a see once, you will harvest once By planting a tree, you will harvest tenfold By educating the people, you will harvest one hundredfold

c. Education solves crime. Malthis 12 (George Malthis, News to Me, Proof of education solves crime, 1/31/12,
http://blogs.ajc.com/news-to-me/2012/01/31/proof-of-education-solves-crime/) PJ Education reduces crime, sociologists tell us. But, in Georgia, proof of education solves crimes. Amber Fields, whose name really makes me want to sing America The Beautiful like Mitt Romney , is charged with felonies in the attempted absconding of metal from a heavy equipment operator in Winder. An investigator investigating the scene of the crime Jan. 20 found Fields wallet-sized diploma from Winder-Barrow High School in a book bag along with metal plates, according to an incident report. The deputy also found a cooler, rolling trash can and more bookbags full of metal that the 130-pound suspect allegedly dragged across the dirt parking lot, leaving a nice, easy-to-follow trail. The estimated value of the almost-stolen metal is $5,000, according to its rightful owner, Jerry McDaniel, of Dacula.

The diploma was found in a bookbag along with a wallet, said deputy Brian Green in the incident report. Fields, 22, of Dacula, remained jailed as of Tuesday, said a sheriffs department spokesperson.