Introduction: Lately I have been talking with my friends about their emotional problems.

Out of these talks I have developed this work which outlines a kind of psychology that addresses their emotions and underlying narratives and beliefs they have about themselves, which in turn affects their emotions. It is kind of an emotional narrative Psychology so for a lack of a better word and out of convenience I just call it Emotional arrative Psychology, or just E P for short. It is not an original theory or method per se. It is more of a mi!ture of different psychological theories and ideas that I have adopted, adapted and pieced together to form a fairly coherent model that is easy to understand and implement. "he main benefit of E P is that it can be used to help change a person#s narrative of reality and therefore change their emotions. It consists of si! main emphases of which a person must be familiar with to practice. "hree parts of E P are theoretical and three parts are practical and are used in therapy. Practical Use: E P can be used to help identify emotional problems that a person is having and treat a person so that they no longer are being affected by negative emotions. $t the same time, this theory is only really designed for emotions and to some e!tent the philosophies and narratives of a person with a problem, which means that this type of psychology is %uite limited in scope in that it is not used to treat any kind of major psychological disorder. It can however be used to supplement and aid many other psychological treatments and methods. The Theory Part 1: "he first part of the theory I would like to discuss deals with different levels of dependence, but before doing that it is important to mention how dependence can vary in a person#s life and how no one person is perfect in all aspects of their life. &hile writing in his book about Integral Psychology, A Brief History of Everything, 'en &ilbur has demonstrated how a person in one area of their life might be %uite advanced but in another area underdeveloped. $ good e!ample of this and in the spirit of this essay could be how a person might be very dependent on another person financially, and in relationships with their family be %uite independent, but yet in relationships with teammates in their favorite sport be very much interdependent. One possible way to diagram a person and their different areas of life would be to use the following diagram. Diagram 1: Areas of Life

In the diagram above, each protruding section is representative an area of concern in a person#s life. (ome areas might be bigger and more important, and some are less. $s we shall discuss shortly these different areas can be even further diagrammed to show the levels of dependence that intertwine a person#s life when they form relationships with other people. (o not only does a person have different areas of life, but they are also either more developed or less developed in each area. One way to think about this would be in relationship to levels of dependency. I first became familiar with this concept when studying psychology as an undergraduate at Oklahoma (tate )niversity, but later gave more thought to it while earning a graduate certificate in peace and conflict studies at the )niversity of 'ansas. "his theory deals with different levels of dependency including co-dependence, independence, and interdependence. "hese different stages of development can apply to multiple facets of life. (o what are these terms and what do they mean* "he following definitions are taken from +elanie "onieavans website for convenience, but are generally thought to be this by many different authors on the subject. http,--www.melanietoniaevans.com-articles-codependence. independence.htm Co-dependence can e ter!ed as: relying on others to provide what we are not providing for ourselves. Obviously as new born babies we are e!tremely co.dependent. &e have no ability to provide safety, survival needs and emotional sustenance for ourselves. In our co.dependent stages of life we are totally vulnerable and all of our trust is placed on the actions and resources of others. &e, on our own, are powerless. Independence can e ter!ed as: being self.reliant, self.empowered and capable of providing our own needs, emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. $s we grow older we begin making progress towards independence. In our independent stages of life we build purpose, direction and trust for ourselves. &e are powerful within our own energy and know that we can rely on and provide for ourselves.

Interdependence can e ter!ed as: being a whole and balanced person who is able to share with and join in the healthy resources of life and others. "his facilitates an even greater e!pansion in life than the independent stage, as we now have unlimited access to even more love, success and happiness than we could have provided for ourselves. If I can summari/e in my own words, the key is that in co.dependence we need another to some e!tent. 'ey signs of co.dependence are if a person has to ask somebody else for permission to do something, if a person worries another might say no, or a person is afraid to do something because he or she is worried what somebody might say. If this is the case, then it can be argued that the person is co. dependent on another in some aspect of their life. People with whom we are co. dependent with can e!ert power over us and control us. Part of this has to do with weaknesses with who we are. "o use boundary language that I will discuss later, a person that is co.dependent is 0thin skinned1 and is easily sensitive to many issues. $nother person can easily 0push their buttons1 and manipulate them. $nother way of putting it would be to say that a person has 0holes in their boundary.1 "hese holes are areas of their self that are not complete and are vulnerable to others. "his will be diagramed later as an opening in the boundary. In independency we gain freedom to do what we want and how we want in an aspect of our life. "his for many people, especially those that are co.dependent, is the goal in life, but it too has its drawbacks. People that are purely independent often lack the deep connections with others that make us human. "o use boundary language that I will discuss later, the independent person has 0built up thick walls1 around themselves to protect themselves from getting hurt, and while these walls allow a person to 0blow off1 anything and 0not let it get to them1, at the same time it also prevents them from having meaningful deeply connected relationships. 2y closing a hole in one#s boundary in a specific area of life, a person moves from codependency to independency. &hile this lessens their vulnerability, it at the same time reduces their chances to have the connections and closeness that that vulnerability brought. "his can be diagrammed later by a thick boundary. In interdependency a person has become independent in an area of life, but now seeks out the connection that they once knew in co.dependency, but without the pain and suffering caused by personal boundaries being crossed in an offending manner. (o, an interdependent person is essentially approaching another person with an offer saying, 0I am an independent person. I can take care of myself, so I really don#t need anybody else in this area of my life, but regardless I am seeking to share myself with you. I believe that by opening myself up to you, I will show you my vulnerabilities and weaknesses, but that I am also trusting of you to not use these against me, but instead to know my weaknesses and accept them and try to care for me. I will do the same for you by also respecting you and your vulnerabilities. If we can do this, then I believe both of us will be stronger and better than we were before when we were independent.1 "he interdependent person then gains the help and support of others that the independent person doesn#t have. In opening oneself up to connection and mutual benefit of another, the person also

opens themselves up to being vulnerable. "his kind of vulnerability is different than the type of vulnerability e!perienced in co.dependence though. In this type of vulnerability a person can share their weaknesses, and the other instead of manipulating them or making them worse can act to help the person grow. (haring this type of vulnerability in a trusting and caring environment also fosters a deep and meaningful connection between the people involved. "his type of vulnerability will be diagrammed below as an opening in a boundary with a thick door guarding it. "he person has control over the door to open up their vulnerability and share it or close it. "his differs to that of the codependent person who has no control over their boundary making them able to be hurt by others who are not acting to foster growth. "he following is a diagram of how codependency, independency, and interdependency can be mapped out. (ome of these mapping concepts were first introduced by 3r. Paul in his book "ind #$, but I have adapted them here to meet the theories discussed above. In addition the concept of a fle!ible boundary has been mapped out showing a person that 0can meet others halfway.1 Diagram 2: Dependency

It is therefore one of my goals when practicing E P to discover areas of a person#s life in which they are either co.dependent or independent and help enable them to work towards interdependence in their relationships. $n unhealthy person#s life relationships if diagramed might then look something similar to the ne!t diagram. In the following diagram a person in most of the areas of their life is co.dependent and has holes in their boundary. "hese holes are symbolic for things that they don#t have control over and allow others to control even if it is against their best interest. In only a couple of the areas of life the person#s boundary is being represented by a thick wall showing their independence or in one case a doorway showing their interdependence. Diagram 3: Unhealthy Boundary

&here as an ideal healthy person#s relationships, a person who is very interdependent and most aspects of life, might look like ne!t diagram. In the following diagram a person#s boundaries for each aspect of life is represented by a gateway demonstrating healthy interdependence with those around the person. Diagram 4: Healthy Boundary

&hen a person is in a codependent relationship, they don#t have control over how reality affects their inner world. "heir ability to control what comes in or out of them from the outside world is compromised. Other#s words and actions can affect them, and often times this is in a negative way. egative and offending moments from reality can cause a person to have their feelings hurt, their values changed, their narratives manipulated, and their beliefs in self deflated. (uch a person has lots of

holes in their boundary of inner self. "hese openings make them vulnerable. "his can be diagrammed in the following way. Diagram 5: Loss in odependency

In the ne!t e!ample we can see that a purely independent person theoretically has built the boundary of self so strong and impenetrable, that they are not affected by actions in reality whether for the good or the bad. &hen negative and offending moments happen the person#s strong boundary deflects them resulting in them not being affected. Diagram !: "rotection in #ndependency

4inally, the interdependent person can selectively allow feedback to enter into their inner self. 2y entering into positive relationships with others, relationships that foster growth, they become better than who they were. 2y opening themselves up they are making a deep connection with another. $t the same time they are making themselves vulnerable in a similar manner to the codependent person, but in this situation by e!pressing and showing their vulnerabilities to another, a person is able to become better in different areas of their life including their feelings, values, narratives, and beliefs in self. In this case the vulnerability is actually embraced in a way that allows a person to be stronger. "his of course can only happen if the vulnerability is respected and cared for by another instead of being abused. "his can be diagrammed as seen below. Diagram $: %ain in #nterdependency

One of the many goals then of E P is to help and aid a person in becoming less and less codependent and more and more interdependent with independency sometimes being a midpoint goal. "his can be done first by helping to strengthen a person in each area of life. "his includes helping a person to define, discover, and develop each area of life in a way that not only allows them to become in tune with their core values, but also empowers them to fully live in tune with these values. $t times this means taking a stance that is against what their family, friends or society might have them do, or what it is e!pected of them that they should do. "hese situations may be difficult and stressful but in the end it is a step that they need to do in the path of living in tune with their true values. In the end in a healthy individual, I think the person will have the power and skill set to say no to people that would manipulate and-or abuse them. "heir independency will instead enable them to act in ways that works towards their self.preservation, gain, and prosperity while being in line with their true values. $nd then ultimately in interdependency they will be able to open up and share among others giving and receiving empathy making connections. (uch relationships might very well incorporate love, caring, and growth. The Theory Part %: "his part of the theory is based roughly off of a concept I was

first introduced to by 3r. Paul 3obransky. I had discovered his concepts of boundaries while reading his e.book called "ind #$. 3r. Paul 3obransky speciali/es in relationship advice and counseling. 3r. Paul, as he likes to be called, introduced ideas of personal boundaries visually mapped out, some of these are similar to the diagrams seen previously, but others are different. "his concept is %uite complicated, but 3r. Paul has gone to great lengths to simplify it. I had long been aware that many of my own psychological problems and drug addiction had been caused by underlying unconscious psychological-emotional troubles and that I had to a large e!tent eventually come to terms and peace with these issues within myself, but hadn#t ever been able to %uite so clearly put all the pieces together until reading 3r. Paul#s e!planations of his views of psychology. I was also additionally impressed with his ability to draw images on paper using circles to make simple but effective and powerful two.dimensional diagrams of comple! psychological phenomena. 2ut while 3r. Paul mainly dealt in diagrams dealing with a single main boundary, I find it much more accurate, if not also unfortunately more complicated to e!pand upon his ideas. I prefer to use boundaries to describe different areas of life as shown previously, but also to use three boundaries to describe any one area of a person#s life at any given time. "his would be like taking any one are of a person#s life which is just one part of the diagrams dealing with the multi.facets of life and /ooming in to one of the parts closely to only then e!amine its parts, which I then diagram into three sections. "hese three sections or boundaries are the 0ideal self boundary line1 or who a person thinks they are in their mind, the 0reality feedback boundary line1 or what feedback reality is giving to them about who they really are, and their 0action line1 or how they are actually acting at a given moment. $n important factor that distinguishes 3r. Paul#s diagrams between my diagrams is my incorporation of the ideal self line and how it is positioned in relationship to the reality feedback line. I firmly believe many if not most emotional problems initially arise because these two lines are in conflict. &hile the action line is how a person acts, and the reality feedback line is literally the feedback being given to a person by reality, the ideal self line is much more complicated. 4or starters the ideal self line mainly pertains to deeply held narratives, some of which may even be subconscious. "his is not necessarily what a person thinks about him or herself. "his difference is often over looked, but I believe is powerful and a key to understanding human nature. "he difference could be highlighted as the difference between what a person thinks logically and what a person really believes. It is actually a person#s deeply held beliefs, which are more of a narrative of a situation that determines how a person will act most of the time rather than their thoughts which reside on a more surface level. $n e!ample of this could be of a person that is about to go bungee jumping or some other very safe but yet nonetheless threatening endeavor. $ person that is ready to jump e!periences intense emotions. "his is because their deeply held beliefs hold that if they fall, they will get hurt. "his has been proven to them time and time again throughout their life. Logically and intellectually they can deduce that if they jump,

they will be fine, but deep down inside a belief or narrative still e!ists that if they fall, they will get hurt. "his belief e!ists and perseveres despite the person logically knowing it is not true. 2efore a person jumps, they will have a conflict of narratives in their mind, one will be an old e!isting deeply held narrative that falling e%uals hurt. "his will be challenged by a new reality feedback that jumping in this situation has been safe for others. "his feedback results in a thought that it must therefore be safe for them too. "he new reality feedback and resulting thoughts will be in direct conflict with the old beliefs causing intense an!iety. 4or those that jump, the new reality feedback and subse%uent thoughts have formed a new narrative that has been strong enough to challenge the old narrative, and if they are indeed safe, then part of that old narrative in almost all cases is changed resulting in the lead up to successive jumps becoming easier and easier. 4or a person that at the last moment changes their mind and doesn#t jump, the old ideal self narrative stating that falling e%uals pain and therefore should not be attempted has won out in the end. "his is just one e!ample, but many e!amples can be given to describe almost any phobia, even the irrational ones. Irrational phobias happen whenever a person for whatever reason gains a narrative that something bad will happen even though reality can give them many instances in which things will be okay. On an intellectual level a person can easily process why they should not be afraid, yet their phobia and its narrative negative narrative still e!ists. "he common e!ample of somebody who is afraid to fly in an airplane is another good e!ample. (uch a person can logically and rationally tell other#s that flying is statistically safe, even safer than other forms of travel they do on a regular basis, yet they still cannot bring themselves to board a plane. "his is because of a deep residing belief held in their ideal self narrative that says if they fly they will be hurt. "herefore whenever they think about flying in an airplane, they e!perience intense an!iety. "hese are classic e!amples of how a person#s thoughts can be of one thing, but yet more deeply held narratives hold onto an opposing idea causing an emotional reaction. I would like to chart a few simple e!amples of how the different boundaries can align and how different emotions might then result as an outcome. I would like to start very simply at first with just a couple of basic two line diagrams. "hese first two simple diagrams represent a loss and a gain. Diagram &: Basic Loss and %ain Boundaries

In the basic gain diagram a person#s ideal self line is small. "here reality feedback line is large. "his represents something in reality happening to a person that is better than what they think they deserve, which in turn causes a feeling of gain. "he opposite diagram is the diagram of loss. In the basic loss diagram a person has a reality feedback that sends a message to them that they are actually less than they believed they were. "his results in a feeling of loss. I believe that all positive emotions have a feeling of gain associated with them, and all negative emotions have as feeling of loss associated with them. 2ut as we all know emotions are actually much more complicated than just a simple feeling of loss or gain. "he following e!amples diagram a way a person can become angry, depressive, or shy. Diagram ': #deal self( Action( and )eality *eed+ac, Boundaries

In the $ngry Person diagram the blue line of reality feedback is much lower than the green line of action and the red line of ideal self. In this diagram the green line of

how they are acting is on the inside of the red line, but for the e!ample of anger this is not an e!act re%uirement, but I did put it there for convenience. 5It often seems in many cases that the ideal self line and the action line are similarly aligned. "his makes sense as people often act how they believe.6 "he key to this diagram is that the reality feedback line is far inside the other lines causing a basic loss. "he person in this situation in an area of life will have a vision 5or narrative6 of who they think they are and what they believe they can do, but reality will be giving them feedback in a forceful way opposing their narrative. "he difference between the feedback from reality and the internal narrative of a person, the ideal self image, causes stress. "he stress a person feels is a literal stress of the two differing lines pushing and pulling on each other. In the case of this diagram, the stress will be manifested as anger. If angry people are e!amined, it can be found that what is happening is not congruent with what they believe should be happening. "his simple diagram starts to demonstrate that. +any other factors are in play but on a deep internal level, they believe that reality should be bigger and better than what it really is. In the (hy Low (elf.Esteem Person diagram almost the e!act opposite is happening. 7eality is actually sending signals that a person can have more freedom than what they are acting like, but because of a belief that they are not good enough, they don#t act. In this case, the small red circle of ideal self is causing stress on them to not act as much as they could. "he red circle of ideal self is pulling on the green circle of action keeping it down through stress. In part, the person knows they could have more freedom, but are limited in a painful manner by a limiting narrative of ideal self. "he (hy - $n!iety diagram shows a more rare type of person that has a small green line of action, while the blue line of reality is larger. In theory it might seem that they could act more freely, but in reality his or her acting shy, or basically limiting his or her actions, is a self.defense mechanism used to avoid getting hurt. In this case a person#s narrative of ideal self is larger than the feedback given by reality. If the person actually acted the way they believed, they would be in conflict with the reality around them. In actuality this scenario would have played out many times in their past causing them to get hurt. (o instead knowing that when they act the way they believe they will get hurt, the shy-an!iety person acts very shy as a self.defense mechanism of not having ideal self#s boundary conflict with reality#s feedback. It is to some e!tent a successful coping mechanism for in the short term not having reality give feedback that restricts their actions 5as they have already restricted it themselves voluntarily6. )nfortunately in the long term it still leads to problems as their ideal self image and reality feedback are not congruent. +ost 0coping1 mechanisms can be diagramed illustrating gaps between boundary lines that the coping mechanism helps them patch or attempt to fuse. )nfortunately, coping mechanisms do not actually adjust poorly placed ideal self boundaries which are the core cause of the problem. In fact they might sometimes lead to the boundaries getting more out of balanced as it temporarily removes the checking system causing the stress or tension in the boundaries that forcefully holds them together to be temporarily displaced8 thus in the long run e!asperating the situation. In an individual that is healthy and 0well.balanced1 what is well balanced are the concepts of boundaries8 who a person thinks they are, how a person acts, and the

feedback given to the person by reality is congruent. "his type of person does not have stress from different boundaries conflicting with each other. 0(tress1 as it is referred to on collo%uial language is actually on a psychological level two different boundary lines pulling and pushing on each other causing tension. $s these psychological boundaries are forced to move and resist, this is felt with in one#s consciousness as stress. $dditionally, often times it is said about a person 0that they accept1 themselves. &hat is really meant by this in reference to the diagrams is that a person is accepting how their actions, reality feedback, and ideal self interact and overlap. The Theory Part &: 9aving given thought about emotion, I have come to believe there are : broad spectrums of emotions. "his idea stems from e!periences I have had from many years of teaching foreign languages at the university level and in different countries, as well as studying different foreign languages. It seems a little bit like common sense, but I have observed that most languages have grammar tenses that are grouped into present tenses, past tenses, and future tenses. "his is a fairly common feature across most language families. I firmly believe this is because languages have evolved to reflect certain ultimate concerns of humans, but it is these same concerns that also effect emotions. It is logical then to theori/e that like unto a similar fashion that languages are represented in tenses, emotions too if driven by the same concerns can also be broadly grouped into a tense like structure. I have therefore made a chart of the : broad spectrums of emotions. One a!is of this chart takes into consideration concepts of past, present, and future that are fundamental in a human#s mind in creating narratives of how they construct and understand reality. "he other a!is of this chart deals with the concepts of basic loss and gain mentioned above, but loss and gain are not that only possibilities. It is also possible for a person to be in a static state of being in which they are not e!periencing significant losses or gains, so that has been also included in the chart. "his last category of static emotions are the ones that I think are the least likely for people to focus on and thus they have the smallest set of vocabulary to draw from because as languages developed and concerns were being e!pressed the concerns of losses or gains came to the center of attention. Oftentimes people are focused not on maintaining a static state of being, although there are some cultures and religions, some aspects of 2uddhism being one that teach this, but instead people are often motivated to either act in a way so that they avoid loss, or act in a way that they will work towards gains. It is therefore the reason that most emotions being e!pressed in languages deal with loss or gains. I find this interesting because while static emotions are the least e!pressed, I feel like they are also the most commonly e!perienced. 'ocus(concern
Past

)oss

hart 1: ' -ey .motions $tatic

acceptance of past satisfaction, fulfill!ent

*ain
re+oice, re!inisce

depression

Present 'uture

disco!fort an,iety

acceptance of present cal!, content acceptance of future co!placent -I.! o/ay 0ith that12

happy, +oyful hope, e,cite!ent

(ince emotions are generally understood by people in society, but also very subjective and hard to define, I have found very little research into defining the emotions and then charting the relationships between them. In fact it wasn#t easy to come up with the chart above, nor do I believe that everyone#s definitions of the emotions listed above will makes sense to them as placed in the chart. evertheless I think considering how subjective emotions are, the above chart#s : core emotions have been placed fairly accurately. I also believe that these : emotions are to a large e!tent at the core of all emotional e!periences, much in the same way that loss, gain, and being static are at the root of the emotions in this chart. Each one of these root-master emotions takes many forms depending on the circumstances. +any other factors in turn influence these different emotions branching them out and making them into a myriad of emotions that we has humans feel. "hese influential factors are all influenced by our narratives about the situation. "hese narratives include, but may not be limited to internal-e!ternal motivation, internal-e!ternal fault narratives, global-personal narratives, controlling-being controlled narratives, and acceptance-judgment narratives. Each narrative and how a person perceives what is happening will then in turn take the root core emotion and change it to some e!tent8 this acts as a filter in a way. ;ombining different narratives or filters then gives a person a wide variety of emotions. 4or the purpose of this essay the three static and gain emotions are not discussed in depth as they for the most part don#t cause problems in a person#s life, where as the loss emotions of depression, discomfort, and an!iety do. In addition while the loss emotions are very identifiable and real to people as they are often strong and clear, the gain emotions are less so, and the static emotions are even more vague and difficult to define, yet of course we all know it when we feel it. If somebody is in a static state with regards to boundaries in all three of the past, present, and future, they are likely to say something similar to 0I#m okay with that.1 "here are many words in the English language to indicate that like the following, acceptance, fulfillment, contentment, and satisfaction. "here are even more collo%uial phrases and e!pressions to communicate ones static emotional state. (till most words or e!pressions that e!press static states of the past, present, or future are vague. "his is because such static emotions do not cause the intensity that the loss or even the gain emotions do. "herefore the English language hasn#t evolved enough to warrant a clear delineation. (ince the loss emotions are ones that often cause focused on with the intent of changing them, I have made diagrams about these emotions, which not only describe the emotion, but possible constructive and destructive outcomes. "he

diagrams attempt to show a process and cycle in a way that a person can better understand what is happening in their life. If they can see the greater process, it is my hope that they will then be able to act differently and more constructively in the future. &hen talking to a person with a problem, a main goal is to attempt to help a person understand more deeply and in a new way and more complete way what is happening. "he an!iety and discomfort diagrams have been in part influenced by 3r. Paul#s diagrams in "ind #$, but have been significantly adapted. In the chart above with nine emotions, all of the nine emotions are emotions that are being e!perienced in the moment, but some of the emotions being e!perienced in the moment are because the mind is concerned about the past, future or even the present. "his is to say a 0past1 emotion is not a reflection about a past bad mood but rather a reflection about a past e!perience that causes a person to e!perience a bad emotion in the moment. Likewise a person might be thinking about a future event and as a result in the moment e!perience an emotion. Emotions can only be e!perienced in the now, but the narratives that precipitate the emotions often have a concern with the past, present, or future. 2ecause of this, I think such emotions share certain commonalities and can be grouped together and thus thinking about emotions as a grid of nine root emotions is helpful. A3 4epression "he first diagram deals with a loss in the past. 2y depression, I chose to use the most broad and all encompassing term. "o be clear, this is not e!actly what is meant by depression in a clinical setting, but does overlap with it. Diagram 1/: Depression

In the diagram the first thing that is represented is that a negative reality feedback has happened to a person in the past, a feedback that often times cannot be changed. "his is represented by the red arrow inside the depression circle. 2ut inside a person, the ideal self strives to hold onto a narrative that e!isted prior to the negative feedback, a narrative that was enriching to the person enlarging their sense of self. If the person resists accepting a new narrative, one that incorporates the negative reality feedback circumstance, they can develop an!iety about their depression. $t the same time, if a person chooses to repress the event, not to think about it at all and just pretend and act as they did before the feedback, then they most likely 5assuming that there isn#t a change in the negative reality feedback6 e!perience even more depression later. "he main way to deal with such depressions is to accept the negative reality feedback, in effect, redefining one#s image of ideal self to be smaller and not as free. If this is done a person will have a smaller self image, but the person will have a higher ratio of positive self regard in him or herself, and the lines of ideal self and reality feedback will become congruent causing the person to have less stress. "his results in peace, even if it is a more limited view of ideal self. One other option does e!ist, but I have not labeled it on the diagram as it is more complicated and often times unsuccessful. In this option instead of trying to accept a negative reality feedback, a person seeks to find the cause of the negative feedback

and change it in a proactive manner to one in which will be more enriching to the person. In reality, people often try this. "hey either run away from the negative feedback or try to manipulate it into meeting their needs. If it is possible to find a solution that not only enriches oneself, but also the source of the negative feedback, then by all means I suggest doing it. )nfortunately, my e!perience has been that many people often go about this with an unhealthy strategy. It also seems like most reality feedbacks that are negative e!ists for some reason and to some e!tent are founded in some kind of truth or as a product of a working system, in either case, they will be difficult to permanently change in a constructive manner. I instead advocate accepting the hard truths and cold ways of reality and learning to live within. B3 4isco!fort "he ne!t negative emotion is that of discomfort. "his happens in the present moment when a person is dealing with an issue that is causing a perceived loss to them in some way. Diagram 11: Discomfort0#rritation

In the above diagram a person perceives a negative stimulus in their environment. "his stimulus is undesirable to them and causes some sort of discomfort or irritation. $ person can then take different courses of action. One would be to ignore and repress the issue. If they don#t act at all and the stimulus does indeed lead to a long term loss, then a person will often become depressed over the issue. $nd while it is not shown in the diagram if the loss continues even more after that, than a person can additionally have an!iety about it. Often times instead of not acting a person will choose to act. If they act impulsively in an irrational manner that hasn#t been well thought out, the likely outcome will be one of additional loss and hurt. "his hurt can either be to the person that originally perceived the loss or to another. 7egardless, an undesirable outcome unfolds. (ometimes a person chooses to act constructively. "hey might be aware of this certain kind of perceived loss, the threats it brings, and how it can be successfully resolved to avoid those threats. If a person can act accordingly, then they will negate the original threat to their reality. "his type of successfully navigating of a problematic situation will often times increase a person#s confidence and well.being. &hile discomfort-irritation is one of the major root emotions, it comes in many different flavors depending on what circumstances additionally surround the discomfort. One type of irritation is impatient. In the case of impatience a person believes their desired outcome hasn#t happened %uickly enough for their liking. 4or e!ample, frustration can happen when things don#t happen according to a person#s e!pectations. On top of that is when things don#t happen according to a person#s e!pectations and they are being treated unjustly. "his type of situation often leads to anger. "he difference in environmental factors shows that a frustrated person can reali/e that what is happening is not what they wanted, but that they aren#t being unnecessarily mistreated, where as an angry person will believe that. $s mentioned anger is one of the many different types of discomfort a person can e!perience, but since it is such a common and serious issue in today#s society, I have chosen with the following diagram to depict how anger arises out of discomfort and what can be done with it. Diagram 12: Anger

In the above diagram the first thing that happens is that an outside stimulus threatens the ideal self boundary. "his is represented by the red arrow going down. "his is e!perienced in the moment and is e!perienced initially at its root form as a type of discomfort. "he process that is taking place is that the reality feedback of the situation is less than what a person#s ideal self narrative would prefer. In simple terms, reality is found lacking. $ few possible scenarios can take place when this happens. "he first and best possibility is that a person accepts that reality is not actually lacking, but instead that their e!pectations of reality are unrealistic. $fter accepting the situation on its own terms, they can then calmly and rationally make a plan to change the situation in a way that might be more desirable. If the person has a lot of education and e!perience in dealing with situations similar to the one causing the discomfort, basically if they are wise, they might easily be able to act constructively. If they don#t they might try to repress the irritation and go on with their life. If they repress the irritation, it might on its own terms go away, but those terms will be out of the control of the person e!periencing the discomfort, and it is unpredictable. "his method of handling discomfort is very common when dealing with the small irritations of daily life. If a person set out to try and fi! every little thing that irritated them, they might not actually ever get anything done. "he problem with this method of basically ignoring and outlasting discomforts is that sometimes they don#t go away and instead get stronger. If the source of the discomfort does not go away and one does nothing to handle it, a person may e!perience depression about the issue. $nother and very common reaction would be for a person to think that the discomfort

was an unjust discomfort. "his is %uite sensible in a certain sense. $ person has had past e!periences, these past e!periences have shaped their narratives of the world, and these narratives of the world have helped shape their subse%uent actions. (o a person is regularly acting in a way that they think will bring a certain outcome, one that likely avoids past discomforts. If that outcome does not happen in the way they e!pected, and they feel like it is unjust, then they might likely e!perience anger. Once a person is angry, they will be faced with different situations. One of these is to act destructively, which I will discuss more below. Often times though a person has reali/ed that acting in anger more times than not in many certain types of situations leads to negative conse%uences. "hese people then choose to not act and repress their anger. In doing this, they sometimes can then make a constructive decision, but if they don#t make a constructive decision and just completely repress their anger two things can happen. In one case, the problem can alleviate itself from outside pressures, or it can persist. If the problem persists and doesn#t go away, a person will suffer depression. If the problem goes away, then a person will feel as if repressing their anger was the right thing to do. In reality, while repressing anger can end up in certain situations bringing success, it is not the ideal way to act. "he ideal way to act as mentioned above would be to either in the first place not get angry and act constructively, or once angry to try to calm oneself and then act assertively and constructively. In other cases sometimes acting destructively in anger can have a desired result, but this is often times as a result of another#s actions. In addition when acting destructively in anger achieves its goal, it often does so in a situation that is not win. win. 2elow is a diagram highlighting the role of the other when reacting to anger. Diagram 13: 1ther2s )eaction to Anger

$s shown in the diagram, it can be seen why anger is often productive, at least in the short run. &hen a person gets angry, the other person might either give in or act in a constructive way seeking out and finding a win.win solution that the angry person could not find. In both of these scenarios, the person that got angry won and got what they wanted. )nfortunately, when the person gives in, this is a win.lose relationship with the other person losing. +ost people in an 0other1 role will not allow this type of relationship to continue and it will often lead to resentment and further destructive behavior. "he benefit in anger in these two scenarios is that the angry person has effectively challenged the constricting and deflating reality check and won. 2y forcefully fighting the reality check and defending it off, the ideal self line has defended its boundary and maintained its narrative of the world. )nfortunately, if the other person was giving in and not finding a constructive solution, defense of the reality check is short lived and to some e!tent illusionary. In another scenario, a person can flee a relationship. "hey can end the relationship in effect 0burning the bridge1 that connects them. "his is an unhealthy outcome and is a lose.lose result as both parties are now e!isting in a world that does not offer the lost resources of the other. In the last scenario, the other acts destructively. "his too is of course a lose.lose relationship.

"herefore the ideal thing to do is to refer back to the first diagram dealing with discomfort and anger. It emphasi/es to reali/e that when a negative reality feedback happens to a person that conflicts and attempts to restrict their vision of ideal self, the first thing a person should try to do is not view this reality feedback as unjust, but instead try to understand it and accept it on its own terms. e!t a person should try to figure out a constructive win.win solution through the situation that benefits all parties involved. 53 An,iety In the diagram below, the course of an!iety is drawn. Diagram 14: An3iety

&hen first threatened by a negative feedback if a person is confident that they have both the knowledge and e!perience to handle a situation when confronted then they will be able to act calmly in a positive manner. "his ideally will be in a manner that seeks to achieve a win.win outcome for all the parties involve. If a person is repressing their an!iety and the e!ternal causes of the an!iety stay the same or grow 5often causes grow worse if left unattended6, then it is likely that the

an!iety in a person will also grow. If the person represses the an!iety enough, it will resurface as depression and the person will regret in the future not having acted in the past in a positive way in the first place. On the other hand the pressure of the stress can grow. "his happens because the narrative of a perceived loss attempts to adjust the pre.e!isting narrative that was more free and larger. "he two narratives have tension against one another. "his causes stress and pressure. "his pressure if not repressed can result in a person acting impulsively. "his often times will mean a person acting in a fight or flight manner, which is usually destructive and harmful. On occasion the impulsive action turns out to be positive. "his is often due to the fact that the other recogni/es a person acting wildly and impulsive and attempts to take control of the situation in a win.win scenario. In such a situation in which a person acted impulsively, but another was able to guide them to a win.win solution, the person e!periencing an!iety can gain a positive e!perience and wisdom, thus allowing them to increase their confidence the ne!t time they are confronted with a similar situation. Ideally though, a person does not have to suffer through many mishaps and misadventures trying to stumble upon a correct way to deal with a stress of opposing future narratives or have somebody else figure their problem and the solution out for them. Ideally a person can learn to act proactively, consciously, and constructively. If a person has lots of education, knowledge, or wisdom about a situation and has e!perience with that situation, they will be able to act in a constructive manner. Even if a person has not been in a certain situation before, but they have knowledge and e!perience that they are able to pull from other areas of their life, it is possible for them to act in new and novel ways that are constructive and win.win. $ key then to dealing with an!iety is to change one#s ideal self boundary narrative beliefs and actions. &ith an!iety there is a tension between multiple different narratives a future self. If outside factors don#t change, and if a person does not change internally, then the an!iety persists. $ person therefore can wait for e!ternal factors to change, hopefully in their favor, but often times not, or they can make a change inside of him or herself. 9opefully this change is to act consciously and constructively and not in an impulsive, destructive, or in a fleeing manner. The Practice Part 1: In the previous sections different boundaries and dependencies have been discussed. ow I will attempt to give a few suggestions among many how out of balance boundaries and unhealthy dependencies can be addressed to help a person achieve fulfillment. Ideal $elf Boundary: In E P a main boundary I try to address is the boundary of ideal self. "his is because it is the boundary that is mainly constructed in a person#s mind. "he boundary of ideal self can be changed in many ways that might enrich a person#s life. $dditionally, often times when an ideal self boundary is changed, then the person#s actions in the future will also change, in effect adjusting the action boundary line. It is possible to just change the action line and only the action line to

achieve a positive goal, but a person might not feel congruent in doing so, but if the ideal self boundary line is changed, in affect changing how a person views a situation and what they ultimately believe about it, then their behavior often changes naturally on its own to congruently meet their new worldview. 4or instance, an ideal self boundary that is not well defined or has many holes in it will lead to a person being co.dependent. $ person in this situation does not know what they want and is easily directed by other people. "his direction on the other party#s part may or may not even be intentional and-or constructive. If it is constructive then the co.dependent person ends up more fulfilled, but sadly if isn#t, whether it is intentional or unintentional, the person ends up hurt. "o strengthen the boundary of ideal self a person can more clearly define who they are in the world, what they prefer, and what they want to do. I once regularly did this by asking myself the following %uestions. <. &ho am I now* =. 9ow did I get here* >. &hat do I want to be* ?. 9ow can I do that* @. &hat is my plan* I found this method very useful for allowing me to e!amine my situation very clearly and make plans to achieve goals that I wanted. "his system of %uestions sets to define clear objectives and make action plans to achieve them. In a way, I think this methodology of thinking for many people is %uite normal and often successful if followed through. )nfortunately, I do also believe it is flawed and often simply doesn#t work. Later in life I learnt through books like *etting To 6es by 7oger 4isher and &illiam )ry, two 9arvard professors, that making set goals and trying to achieve them will not always make us happy. I believe part of the reason this is true is because what we think we want and what will really make us happy are often very different things. In this book, I learnt that getting beyond the language of objectives and instead talking about core interests 5or 0needs1 as in A; language, which will be discussed later6 a person can really come to terms with what they really want, not just what they think they want. ;onsidering this, I have adapted the original set of %uestions above and now use a much more complicated method of defining ideal self boundaries and clarifying it. &hile being lengthier, it also proves to work much better. <. &ho am I and where did I come from* 5"his is basically similar to what happens in the previous set of %uestions above in steps < and =6 =. I ask myself concerning a certain narrative or situation in life what goals I want to achieve, or what outcome I want. 5"his is basically what happens in a similar way as the previous set of %uestions above. "his is a combination of the above steps and a summary of them, especially steps >, ?, and @.6 >. I discover core values, interests, and needs through a process of communication

with others, writing and journaling, and soul searching. 5In this step, I often ask myself 0&hy*1 over and over again concerning a goal-issue-objective to find out the core reason-value-need behind the goal.6 ?. I then consider other possible scenarios, not just the original goals that I started out with. I try to imagine other scenarios and outcomes that might meet these core needs, or match my core values. 5"his differs from step ? above as now instead of trying to figure out different ways to achieve one set goal, I now try to figure out many different ways that would meet my core values and needs.6 @. I then consider making a plan that will not just meet some objective that I originally wanted, but instead one that will fulfill my inner most needs and conform to my highest held values. "he final plan might end up being considerably different than the original plan, but might also be easier and more in tune with my needs and values. I find that working through these steps with my friends also yields valuable insights to them about their real nature of their ideal self and allows them to act more in accordance with ideal self. Action Boundary: In addition to addressing the ideal self boundary, I can also help my friends by discussing their actions and their action boundary line. Often times when a person#s action boundary and reality feedback boundary are in conflict with each other, they get hurt. $fter discovering a person#s core values and needs using the method above, we can then discuss a constructive plan. "his new plan will hopefully allow them to act in a new way, one that will hopefully have better reality feedbacks. Especially when the person has been in win.lose or lose.lose situations, it has been hard for the person to find a well thought out constructive plan that is win. win without knowing one#s core needs and values, but after going through the process of e!amining and discovering the core needs and values of my friends, I oftentimes need not even discuss making a plan with them. Once they reali/e who they are deep inside, a new plan on how to act and what to do in a situation then suddenly becomes clear to them. If a person has discovered and meditated on their true core values and needs, and then tried to think of a new way to act but has failed and entered into additional interactions with others that cause further loss, then e!tra suggestions can be given on how to act that will be in tune with everyone#s needs and values. In such situations where a person now knows who they are but keeps on trying different action plans to meet their needs and the needs of others but still fails, I try to brainstorm new and radically different sets of action plans that still meet everyone#s needs. 7eality 'eed ac/ Boundary: "he third way of addressing boundaries would be to re.interpret the narrative of a reality feedback. Oftentimes what a person thinks is happening to them is not actually what is happening to them. &ays to go about rethinking and reframing a narrative will be discussed later in this work, but to make a %uick e!ample if a person has become paranoid and feels like their ideal self is being threatened, I might ask for e!amples of how this is happening and look to e!amine if they are really being threatened or not. If it turns out that they were not really being threatened but only imagined it, and then reali/e this, then they can adjust the interpretation of their reality feedback line and as a result change how they view and feel about a situation.

The Practice Part %: &hen talking to my friends, I use two methods to help them discuss and uncover their emotional problems. "he first of these is on.Aiolent ;ommunication or as it is better known as A;. A; is a method of conversing with people developed by 3r. +arshal 7osenberg. 9e has developed a useful and efficient system of talking to people in a way so that when talking to a person you can help them identify their feelings and needs. I have found that oftentimes a person doesn#t know what their feelings and needs really are, but that once they have been identified, they can understand more about themselves and possibly others that they are in conflict with. 3r. 7osenberg has regularly found that when people that are in conflict become truly aware of each other#s needs and accept those needs, then conflict resolutions, even in long standing serious conflicts, are often resolved %uickly. http,--en.wikipedia.org-wiki- onviolentB;ommunication I think that it is generally accepted and not controversial that humans are intellectual, emotional, physical, religious, and se!ual beings. I have found A; especially useful because in life I had little guidance on how to handle and process emotions. I went to school to get an education increasing my intellect. I went to church to learn about Cod increasing my spirituality. I went to counselors and $$ to help get me clean from abusing substances thus increasing my mental health. I go to the hospital for my physical health, and for se!uality, I was able to take a class in university and read many books written by e!perts. In all these aspects of life and many others, there are important institutions to help us cope with life and prepare us, but not so much with emotions. It is widely acknowledged and known that we are all very emotional beings, yet so little time is put into actually fostering emotional wisdom and understanding. &ith the wisdom found in A; and other books like 3r. Coleman#s book E!otional Intelligence I have found that my life has been greatly enriched. "he second method I use to talk to people is clean language. ;lean language allows me to ask %uestions to my friend in a way that lets them deeper e!plore the problems they are having. +y intention when using clean language is to give moments back of reflective listening, so that the person might then elaborate on them more. "he following &ikipedia article gives a good introduction on clean language. &hen a person is able to talk about and issue with another using reflective language, they are often times able to discuss the matter more in depth and with better understanding. "his can lead them to have new insights processing the situation in newer and better ways that they weren#t able to do prior to discussing the problem. http,--en.wikipedia.org-wiki-;leanBlanguage The Practice Part &: Once I have talked with my friend about their emotions and have tried to figure out what is happening from a perspective of dependency and boundaries, I try to discuss with them their situation in life in a manner that helps them to gain a new narrative on the events they are e!periencing. It is my hope that by gaining a new narrative that my friend will have an adjustment of boundaries and therefore different emotional reactions to different situations. "his can happen in different ways. Often, most importantly, a person can adjust their

image of ideal self, so that it is more congruent with their actions and reality feedback. $lso, a person can make a plan to act more constructively in future situations. "his will help them bring their actions 5action boundary6 into congruence with ideal self and reality feedback. Lastly, a person might reinterpret a set of reality feedback circumstances seeing and understanding the situation in a newer more positive manner. I firmly believe that a person#s worldview-schema-narrative-interpretation of a situation defines e!pectations. "hen in turn a person#s underlying e!pectations of what will happen dramatically influences how they will act and feel when an event happens. "wo people can easily e!perience the same event, but depending on the perceptions of that event, walk away from it in completely different moods. E P looks to e!amine common narratives a person holds and how these narratives repeatedly lead to a person having negative emotions in similar reoccurring situations. 2y identifying a person#s boundaries and the boundaries of others they interact with, and e!amining how narratives help to form these boundaries, a person can understand why they are feeling the way they are. "his might sound simple, and to some e!tent people do understand part of the e%uation of why they feel the way they do, but often lack to understand the role they play in their own feelings. Oftentimes if a person fully understood an undesirable situation or had the capacity to understand what was really happening on their own, they would have already solved the issue instead of letting it reoccur time after time. $djusting the interpretation of reality feedback boundaries can be done via different techni%ues. One way is through hypnosis. If during a hypnosis session a person is hypnoti/ed to interpret their reality differently, than upon waking from a successful session they should think about an issue differently. "his leads them to not only have different emotions but also act differently. 4or e!ample, let#s say a person is a smoker, has weight issues, or is afraid to fly. &ith each of these issues, a hypnotist will attempt to change a person#s interpretation of a certain event to either believe something will be good for them and is okay, or vice versa that something is not okay. If the hypnosis is successful then the person will awake and will view the selected situation differently, have a different emotional feeling towards it and then thus change their behavior. &hile hypnosis re%uires a hypnotherapist, which often times can be time consuming, difficult, and e!pensive, there are other options. One of these is by applying principles taught in the book )oving 8hat Is: 'our 9uestions That 5an 5hange 6our )ife by 2yron 'atie. 2y using these principals I am able to somewhat reframe my friend#s beliefs of world narratives through a natural progression and conscious process. 2yron 'atie teaches a person to %uestion their beliefs. (he e!plains that if a person is e!periencing bad emotions that they believe in something that is not true. (he teaches that a person is often what they believe about themselves. (he uses a well. thought out system to challenge narratives that are causing people to interpret situations poorly. (he has offered a simple system of four %uestions to help turn around a narrative. "hese are the following,

<. Is it true* =. ;an I absolutely know that it is true* >. 9ow do you act when you believe this thought* ?. &ho would you be without this thought* Lastly, she invites people to take a step to turn that thought around. (he states that when a person believes a bad thought about themselves or their reality, they limit themselves and holds themselves down. "his would be diagramed above by having a smaller ideal self boundary line in comparison to the action boundary line and the reality feedback boundary line. (ometimes though a person over e!tends their boundary as e!pressed in the diagrams above so that their boundaries are intertwined with others. "his could be the angry person diagram shown earlier. 'atie mentions that there are only three kinds of business. "hese are !y usiness, your usiness, and *od.s usiness. (he insists that people should tend only to their own business as that is what they have power over. If a person is able to untangle their boundaries from others that they have been intertwined with in co.dependent relationships, then they are setting themselves free. &hile many theories only go about addressing what is happening, 'atie#s 0work1 is impressive in that it offers a person a method of how to go about freeing the mind. "he following is a video of 'atie being interviewed by Oprah and using her work to help address issues with Oprah#s self image. http,--flv.vm.oprah.com-podcast-!m-ss-bk=-ss.vidPodBbk=.m?v The $u!!ary: 'ulfill!ent $ simple chart can be made summari/ing and containing the different theoretical ideas mentioned in this essay. 4ulfillment is achieved by having good decision making, knowing and understanding oneself, having good emotions and happiness, and being in positive social relationships. Diagram 1!: *ulfillment

"he diagram can be summari/ed by the following. 9aving good emotions and happiness comes from accepting losses in the past, and learning how to act constructively in the present and future to deal with discomfort and an!iety. 'nowing oneself comes from finding out one#s core values and needs and then making a plan to act on them in addition to clearly defining one#s preferences and identity. +any people don#t know who they truly are or what they truly want in life. 2y understanding one#s core values and needs a person can then make a clear plan of action to act in a manner that brings fulfillment. "his also helps them move from codependency to independency to interdependency. 2eing able to make a good decision comes from having both ample e!perience and

education to deal with a situation. +any people might often fail because they either do not have either first the education to know how to handle a situation, or if they do they don#t have the e!perience. &ith enough education and e!perience a person can take a situation in which they previously failed in and turn it into a success. Once a person has balanced their emotions, knows who they are, and has learnt how to make good decisions, they can seek out positive interdependent social relationships with others that also know who they are 5and sometimes even other parties that haven#t been able to achieve all this6. "ogether they can act constructively in a win.win relationship achieving growth and fulfillment for all parties. 5onclusion: 2y using E P a person can talk with another and identify their feelings, needs, circumstances, and relationships to others around them. Once this has happened narratives that are conflicting in a person#s life in certain situations in certain aspects of life can be challenged and addressed. Once a person has a new world view, they are likely to encounter similar situations, but with a new understanding, thus leading them to have different feelings. Bi liography: Paul 3obransky, "ind #$, e.book, <::: 7obert 4isher, and &illiam )ry, *etting To 6es, <::< 3aniel Coleman, E!otional Intelligence: 8hy It 5an "atter "ore Than I9 , <::@ 2yron 'atie, )oving 8hat Is: 'our 9uestions That 5an 5hange 6our )ife, =DD> +arshal 7osenberg, :on-;iolent 5o!!unication: A )anguage of )ife, =DD> 'en &ilbur, A Brief History of Everything, =DD< +ake nice pdf with links, page numbers, and inde! $dditional 2ibliography, 3r. Paul, 4eep Inner *a!e, 3A3s with 3avid 3e$ngelo <@,>@E

7e!ove the -fatherly2 and find another ter! li/e -guider2 or -parent2 or -care giver2

To 4o: 7edo first asic three e,a!ple e!otion diagra!s a out loss and gain, try to e,plain the! etter1 *et etter e,a!ples1 "a/e ppt or pre<i presentations a out the process of e!otions 0hen e,plaining in detail the & asic loss e!otions1 then convert to youtu e and e! ed lin/s1

Edit the 'ulfill!ent diagra! section so that it doesn.t use the 0ords -!other2 or -father21 I would like to talk about empathy in relationship to anger and how it is almost impossible for two people to be angry at each other when they empathi/e with each other. I would like to define and chart the relationships of emotions and map how the different boundary lines are at play. I would like to discuss the nature of discomfort more. I would like to e!tend the bibliography to additional things discussed in the essay. if a person#s ideal self boundary has become too thick 5overly independent6, then I can discuss ways with them that they might allow themselves to become more open in certain relationships in certain areas of their life to sharing their life with others. "he ne!t way I help my friend#s change their narratives is through using LP reframing techni%ues. LP was founded by 7ichard 2andlar and 3r. Fohn Crinder in the <:GDs. It first started out by 2andlar and Crinder analy/ing successful psychologists for language patterns. "his original insight was remarkable at the time, as it is true that successful people often do use certain language patterns that not only affect their belief systems, but then in turn can even affect the belief systems of others around them. (ince its founding and since the split of 2andlar and Crinder, LP has gone on to become %uite splintered and diffuse in its approach. +any different practitioners claim different methods and approaches bring success. +uch of it involves hypnosis, eye movements, and methods for manipulating others. I want to be clear, while some of this may or may not work and be helpful to people, this is not mainly what I am referring too when I mention LP. &hen I talk to my friends, I am working from the assumption that underlying beliefs cause them to interpret situations in different ways thus causing different emotional responses. "herefore, I as mentioned above I am interested in 0reframing1 their narratives of what is happening in certain situations. $ few aspects of LP are helpful in doing this. LP and other areas of psychology have done work with reframing. In fact, 2yron 'atie#s method above is just another way of reframing a narrative. "he methods used to reframe a thought can vary, but might work through %uestions asked in a way such as 'atie#s system above, other methods of e!amining the situation like the one I e!plained in which I ask %uestions to myself about finding my core values, or through certain guided visuali/ations, some of which e!ist in LP. One thing I have learnt through LP is that imagining oneself in a positive situation helps to make one believe it is possible, but also that imagining oneself in a certain specific ways can speak even more powerfully to the subconscious, the area where I think deeply held narrative e!ist.

"wo basic tricks to remember are as follows. "he closer, and brighter, and bigger and object8 the more it is written in the subconscious as a good narrative. $t the same time, the smaller, more black and white, and farther away something is in visuali/ation8 the more likely it will be interpreted by the subconscious as a negative narrative. ;reating two images in one#s mind and 0swishing1 them back and forth as it is called in LP language, one of a desired result and one of the undesirable situation, can help to rewrite the ideal self narrative, and interpretation of the reality. feedback boundary. 4or a powerful e!ample of a person using advanced LP techni%ues, watch 3arren 2rown in this segment called 5oulor lind. http,--www.youtube.com-watch*vH)dlItEIjEbg

I wonder if 0ideal self1 isn#t the correct term. +aybe it should be called something else. "his is because 0ideal1 means perfect or can mean idea. "he ideal self I am talking about can encompass that, but might not also encompass that concept. I have used the term to describe what a person believes they are, so I could call it 0perceived self1. $lso, there are two different kinds of ideal self. "here is a type of ideal self that a person thinks they are logically, but then deeper down at the root of that there is the vision that a person actually believes. (ome people might rationali/e to themselves that they are one thing or another, but might deep down actually believe a different thing. I really wonder if there is a fourth line, which is a needs met line, which is well. being-self.esteem, or is needs met line really just an aspect of ideal self line. eeds met line could be diagrammed by a line and how shaded it is. I wonder if needs met line is ideal self line, but that needs met would be the coloring in of the boundary. "he more shaded in the circle, the more the of the needs that were met. $ boundary for ideal self should be well defined, but also fle!ible and not too rigid so that it is easily adaptable to new situations. &ell defined boundaries is by knowing who we are and having preferences. 4le!ibillity comes by being able to adapt. &hen a boundary is too rigid, if to much force is put upon it, it can break. 9ave a boundary break hurts. 9ave a permanent whole leads to unhealthy relationships. 9oles maybe have to be maintained, either forcefully re.opened, or coerced through manipulation to stay open. +ake diagrams of Eckman#s core emotions

'atie says there are three kinds of business, mine, yours, and Cods. $ person should stay in there own business.

<. 3r. Paul insitesI.. 2oundaries and identities =. 3ependency, ;o.dependency, independency, interdependency 5mentioned by Paul too, but adapted by me6 >. 5+ethod of rewriting narrative6 $, the gift 2, LP ?. A; and ;lean Language to help identify needs and problems that need to be reframed. 2eing 0crossed1 means having a boundary broken. 4eeling 0broken1 is having a boundary broken. Emotional narrative psychology. Looks to e!amine emotions and the predicaments around them. Over writing the pre. e!isting narrative with another that will lead to a more acceptable result.

$rticle about teaching praise affecting narrative which affects results. Emotional arrative Psychology looks to address identity narratives and reframe them in a way that so a person reinterprets their narrative, thus changing their emotions. In the world when a person has identity problems then they have emotions. $ddressing the concept of boundaries and self interaction with world helps define a narrative. "ed talk about different narratives and risk of suicide 3onJt say that later will be better, now your stuck in a moment and you canJt get out of it. 5especially if the problem is not from a outside influence with an e!piration date6 3r. Paul and $ sign that a hole e!ist in a boundary is that we have trouble hearing or saying no. 2oundariesKmakes us durable and strong. <6 Emotional energy a. change anger with assertiveness to mother self and get well being b. ;ourage to father self and get confidence <. "his is how to get happiness-positive self regard which is half well being and half confidence c. $nger not dealt with becomes depression or becomes impulsive d. $nger dealt with is destructive or constructive <. ;onstructively it can help make decisions and decisions give you e!perience

=. destructively causes a cycle of violence e. the opposite of anger is an!iety f. use assertiveness with anger to get well being g. use courage with an!iety to get confidence h. "he middle of the spectrum of happiness i. &ell.being-mothering-being nurtured is related to anger. &hen we have anger, we can convert it to well.being through be assertiveness instead of destructive or depressive. j. 4athering-confidence is related to an!iety. &hen have an!iety use courage and gain confidence.

=6 Ideas-intellect 5not sure if this is the right notes6 a. 2eing efficient with ideas is broken down by, also being a good time manager. =. having education >. having e!perience b. "he middle of the spectrum of education and e!perience is genius. c.

>64ree will-decision a. ;onscienceKtells us whether we are being constructive or destructive from the inside. &hether we are being win-win or win-lose in deals that one is offering the world. b. IntuitionKtells us whether the world is being win-win or win-lose back at me. <. (ociety will reward wisdom which is the balance between conscience and intuition c. "he middle of the spectrum of conscience and intuition is wisdom. +L E3I"( "O "9I( "9EO7L $n!iety is two versions of identity pulling and pushing on each other. 3epression is caused by having not acted in the past and wishing one had. $nger is when ones vision of ideal self is reconstructed by outside forces making it smaller. $nger is acting impulsively and destructively. &hen a person feels there vision of identity being challenged by outside forces then the should try to act constructively and positively in a way that seeks to benefit all parties involved. "his leads to failure and the one should contemplate the true self and maybe redefine ones self or leads to success and brings wisdom. "he key is a planned out constructive idea. If both parties walk away happy when once colliding, the person will gain confidence and well being.

$n!iety should be dealt with by facing the an!iety and choosing a life path. It may or may not be the right one. If a person success they win, if they fail, they gain e!perience for ne!t time. 3epression is dealt with by coming to terms with the past and accepting who our past selves were and aligning them with who we are now.

I wonder if an!iety comes from indecison as my cousin says. I wonder about the fact that a person that is torn between two decisions that can#t make of their mind is caused an!iety. "his makes sense to me. $ person that does not have a clear self image could definitely have an!iety as they are torn apart by two decisions. I wonder if an!iety can also come because a person has a vision of themselves, a thing that they think they are or want to be but are not on a path that is in line with or achieving that path, that too, I think might cause an!iety. "hese are internal conflicts with oneself. Identity issues to some e!tent where either a person has no set identity but only possibilities or has an identity that isn#t being fulfilled. $nger I wonder then maybe cause by a person having an image of self but the world is forcing the person to act against that image and so they get mad. I also wonder what then is fear and how it should be processed. $n!iety is often processed by making the right decision. $nger is often processed by acting constructively. I wonder why people have fear and what they must do to process it. October :, =DDG "here are actually three boundary linesM <. &ho we want to be - think we are in our minds. 5our ideal self6 =. 9ow we actually act. 5might not be in line with ideal self due to societal of self constraints and aversions to pain or forced redefining of ideal self.6 >. 4eedback given back to us by society telling us who we really are. 5everybody elseJs definition of our boundary6 2oundaries are in part represented by preferences. Or ways we define ourself. 2y knowing ourselves, traits, and preferences, it helps to increase boundary. Aague language about a problem represents a lack of boundary definition. 2oundaries protect a persons self esteem. $nd maybe freedom via manipulation. intellect and wisdom too by somebody manipulating ones philosophy. Observing ego allows a person to be cool and calm as they are one step removed. 2eing caught in ego makes a person act irrationally and impulsively.

(tress only comes in too flavors. It is a hurt or a loss. $ll stress is a negative emotion. +aybe it is a the core negative emotion. (omebody who says, Nyou make me mad.N is demonstrating a hole in boundary. $lso can be represented by when somebody says in their narrative that another person NshouldN do this or that. $ll problems have > parts Psychological problem . caused by a world view. (tress . caused by worldview being challenged. 2iological imbalance . the bodyJs physical response in brain to stress. $ccording to dr. Paul all psychology has ? parts <. Personal boundary =. 3ecision making >. Ideas-intellect 5I say world view6 ?. Emotional energy "he way each is e!pressed is <. Personal boundary. strength =. 3ecision making. freedom >. world view . time ***** "o make a worldview or investment in that worldview ?. Emotional energy. self esteem ****** 5 not sure about this6 $ll relationships are win.win or win.lose. 3onJt ever be in a win.lose or lose.win. Passive aggressive people have holes in boundaries that others cross, but instead of letting the other people know constructively, they do it passively. Passive people donJt communicate well. Paul says that when you are really intamate or Nin a grooveN with some one that there is no boundary, but I wonder if it is just not alignment of narratives. ;odependent people are people that were sharing a giant boundary. One has to ask permission of the other to do something or they feel bad. &hen they break up, one will feel bad. "he only cure for a stress is to a person to change. $ person can change world view and accept stress. 7un away from it. - ignore 4ight it and win, reaffirming original narrative that was challenged. 5if losing, then go back to the first to options6 E!tended stress makes a person regress.

"hin skinned person has boundary weaknesses. "hick skinned is over protected. "oo thick skin nothing gets in or out. 'ind of like north korea.

2yron 'atie asks that if you went to heaven today, where everything is perfect and everybody was perfect, but if you took to heaven with you your limiting thoughts about yourself and your self devaluing narratives of how you aren#t good enough, what would heaven be like* 9er answer is that it would be a lot like Earth. http,--flv.vm.oprah.com-podcast-!m-ss-bk=-ss.vidPodBbk=.m?v

3r. Paul made this diagram. 9e said that anger acted on leads to destruction, which leads to more anger, but my e!planation is that a person is trying to defend their ideal self line. 9e said that anger acted in assertiveness helps well.being, and I agree, but only becomes it has successfully defended the ideal self line. If it is not successful in this attempt, it at least gains some wisdom of what is possible and hopefully internali/es it, thus redefining the ideal self line. If the failure is not internali/ed, but instead is rationali/ed off as e!ternal factors, then the person will probably have the same problem. Paul says that some people who do not deal with anger, will become depressed. I agree this can happen. 9e discusses about a person that has a bad job and is depressed about it, but then gets angry and tries to fi! the job. I don#t agree with this e!ample. 4irst of all, I agree that depression can happen, but the depression is about always being angry and not acting on it. $ person wishes they would have acted and couldn#t have, so thus by getting angry and decided to act, the depression is ended. In this sense his diagram is true, buuuuut it is only true for people that are prone to anger issues. "here are many more types of depression, and not acting on anger is just one of a myriad of types of not acting that can cause depression. 2asically then, I think 3r. Paul#s diagram does kind of work, and his understanding of what is happening is basically true, but that his underlying theory is wrong. I think he correctly noticed patterns and was able to diagram the patterns and events, but that when he made a theory, the theory was a bit off. 3r. Paul says that an!iety can drive a person to eat. 2ut I have always considered over.eating and obesity to be a low.self esteem issue where people were trying to fill themselves up. (o, but a lot of people did say that an!iety can make them eat, so I wonder the an!iety is a secondary an!iety, an an!iety about having low self esteem that can make people eat. "his would be similar to the depression caused by not dealing with anger, but in this case it would be an an!iety over chronically having low

self esteem. (o, the real cause of over eating is not the an!iety, but it is the low self esteem. Fust like the depressed person coming out of an anger profile, the real problem is not the depression, but the anger issues.

Praise of students can change a narrative, change beliefs, and change behaviors. http,--www.ma!imisepotential.co.uk-ma!imising.the.potential.of.your.child.matthew. syed"his article is a good e!ample how changing a person#s narrative can later affect a person#s emotions and behaviors. "he article discusses two types of praise a teacher gives to a student. One set of praise states that they student is 0good1 and the other type of praise states that the student 0works hard1. (tudents that receive the two different types of feedback and internali/e gain two newly defined narratives of themselves. One narrative is that they are 0good1 and the other narrative is that they are 0hard working1. "he article goes on to say that the students that believe themselves as 0good1 end up being less likely to want to attempt newer and harder mistakes. "his is because they are afraid that their status as being good will be damaged if they make a mistake or don#t live up to the e!pectations of others. "his narrative of being good then ultimately led to pressure and fear of new circumstances. &hereas the students that were praised for being hardworking accepted that narrative and when given a new challenging were not afraid and were more willing to take it on. ;ourage is interesting because often times before a moment of courage, a person is acting in a way that their action line e!tends their reality feedback line and their ideal self line. 3oing that feels empty inside and makes it hard to act. 4or instance, the reality feedback line says that if a person falls, they often get hurt8 this narrative is ingrained in us from a young age. (o, when a person steps up to bungee jump for the first time, part of them can intellectuali/e they will be fine, but still the deep held narrative that is internali/ed is one that falling e%uals getting hurt. $ person by jumping for the first time is trying to e!pand their ideal self line and trying to e!pand their action line, but in the moments up before the jump and in the first moments of the fall, those lines haven#t been solidified and the attempt to stretch them out is filled with an!iety, emptiness, and loneliness.

4or fulfillment a person must, <. 2alance emotions.

"his is done through acceptance of depression. ;onstructive assertiveness in discomfort 5anger the most common form6 ;ourage to act well in matters of an!iety =. Aagueness of problem, feeling of being manipulated, abused, or used in relationship to other. ;larity &ork on boundary to help clarify identity, know who oneself is, and then re. assess the situation. >. 7eframe the concept of failure. $ goal wasn#t achieved because a person didn#t have enough education or e!perience. It hasn#t been achieved 5yet6, but it can be in the future. "he key word being 0yet1. Proper time management, plan, and re.investment in e!perience and education can help a person achieve goal. 'ey attributes to the fulfilled person are, education, e!perience, constructive assertiveness and courage to act in win.win narratives, good conscience and intuition, self.reflection and knowledge of true self. Oddly enough these attributes might as well be summed up as acceptance, courage, and wisdom. "hree key words found in a popular prayer.

I am e!tremely suspicious that 0anger1 is not one of the key emotions. I am more inclined to think that anger is actually a form of 0irritation-discomfort1 which is the key negative emotion of the present moment. I think irritation-discomfort takes many forms, but for practical purposes anger is by far the most common and strong form of this emotion that is being e!pressed by people. I think that there are three key negative emotions, which are depression which has to do with loss of the past, discomfort which has to do with boundaries being stressed to feel loss in the moment, and an!iety which as to do with fear of loss in the future.

"he boundary lines of reality feedback, action, and ideal self are often similar, but when they aren#t that is when stressed is caused. 4or many people ideal self and action are similar as they act like they believe they are, but in some unhealthy individuals, like those that are acting out for attention, or those that are using being shy as a coping mechanism to not get hurt, they are different. "he boundary lines of ideal self and action can be defined in any area of life as having a hole, being too thick, being too rigid, or having a doorway. 9aving a hole is a person in a codependent relationship 2eing too thick is a person that is overly independent 2eing too rigid is a person that is infle!ible and has to have things their way. 9aving a doorway represents a healthy interdependent relationship. Instead of trying to make people like you, which is putting one#s own goal inside the

business of others, a person can figure out why they want people the like oneself. (o for instance if I want people to like me because they are happy around me, then I can work on the skill of making jokes. &hen I go to meet people, I can work on making jokes. If I want people to like more for my knowledge, then I can work on the skill of listening to people and then helping them with my information. +aybe they will like me or not, but the goal in this case will be to work on a skill like being funny or knowledgeable. I might not make my goal tonight, and people might not like me, but that is okay because I haven#t set my goal inside their business, my goal is now inside my business. If I continue to practice my goal of improving a certain skill, then sooner or later somebody will appreciate this skill and like me for it. If I gain e!perience and education at how to go about this skill, sooner or later I will be good at it, and then a person will like me who values that skill I have. I think a psychologist should make a clear distinguishment between an!iety caused from being depressed, and regular an!iety. Likewise depression caused from a bad event, or depression caused by not dealing with an!iety and anger right. "he different kinds of depression and an!iety need to be treated differently. It is especially important to consider some an!iety, anger, and depression is primary, and some is secondary that comes from other emotions not being processed correctly. If the problem that is manifest is secondary, it is of more importance to deal with the primary problem and the secondary problem will dissolve itself. &hat does assertiveness as a response to anger brings well.being in a mother type of way mean* It means that as people if we are angry we are not having the needs of our ideal self being met. $nd if the other person is angry, their needs are not being met either. Probably if two people are angry, they are not even aware of the other#s deepest needs in the situation. If two people can step back in the moment using observing ego and take a minute to really empathi/e with the other, trying to understand their situation and understand them, they can understand the other#s needs. Once a person can understand the other#s needs and empathi/e with them, it is very difficult to stay angry, and instead a person will often act in a mothering way instead, helping to nurture the other person. "his can be done by finding a win.win situation that suits both parties.

+ental state in terms to 5si/s<ent!ihalyi.

of

challenge

level

and

skill

level,

according

0(omewhere along the line you made up who you think you are and started believing in it. I challenge you to ree!amine your beliefs and find out who you really are.1 3eep Inner Came

4our stages of anger according to 4eep Inner *a!e guest speaker are the following, <. Initial thing that happens 5he says, 0offending event16 =. 9e then says the ne!t event is the 0wave of emotions and how jacked up a person is thinking about it1. =.@. *** "his lasts a certain amount of time as a person thinks about it more. >. "hen there is the reinforcement that e!ternal events have control over emotions. ?.*** $nd then the self.esteem loss with a person not being able to control themselves. 9e says that with him there is an initial pause, and initial moment of right after the initial event happens that he can now intellectually chose to get angry or not get angry about an event. 9e can ask himself, 0Is this worth it*1 and then act accordingly and constructively, if it is not worth getting angry over at the time and all the drama that will inevitably ensue, then he makes a decision to not get angry and act constructively. $s for me, it is a little different, but I believe for him he has done a great job of modeling the process, and I think this is %uite normal for people like him. $s for me, I kind of e!pect things to be fucked up, or e!pect things to go wrong, so when there is an 0initial offending event1 it is not offensive to me, it just is what it is and I should go to action to try to fi! it. "his is because my underlying ideal self

narrative gives little room for 0offending events1 to actually be offending to me. People like the speaking on the other hand can rationally know they shouldn#t get angry, and can even govern themselves to not act angry in a situation that they don#t see will help them. 3eep down they don#t accept the situation, but can force themselves to at least on an intellectual level accept it even if they don#t own it in a world view narrative. "his is why changing a deep underlying world narrative in many ways will free a person, where as gaining intellectual power will only allow them to cope with a constructive situation. I watched a program the other day where fat people were made to climb a pole and jump off of it as a way to help build their esteem so that they can change their lives. Intellectually each person knew that they were very capable of climbing the pole and jumping, that there was a harness and that there was no way that they could realistically be harmed. Let some of the contestants had emotional breakdowns and literally couldn#t climb the pole and jump no matter the incentive. "his is because there world narrative didn#t not allow for a place for them to do such a thing, even though they intellectually knew it was okay. "his is the difference is street slang between 0knowing1 something and 0owning1 it. It is knowing and believing in something so much, that it is easy to act on. 9e goes on to talk about the injustice-victim role or narrative a person takes, verses life student and observing ego planning how to act. 3r. Paul says that an!iety makes a person over eat. "his might be true, but to be more specific, it is an!iety that is secondary to a person having low self.esteem. "he people that are over eating always have very low self esteem, and yes by over eating the can suppress their emotions, but I think it is more complicated than just an!iety.

I wonder if the difference between knowing something and believing it. $ person might know that they can jump off a pole, but deep down inside the believe that if they do, they will be hurt or can#t do it. People don#t really act on their thoughts, they really act on their beliefs. "he two are often intertwined, but also oppose each other. $lso, it is our beliefs of deep seated world narratives that cause our emotions, not really our thoughts. I really think it is our beliefs which are hard wired deeply seated narratives that lead to us e!perience emotions. &hen these narratives or changed, met, or not met, then we e!perience the emotion. "hese narratives must then also represent needs. +aybe I don#t often have any emotions because I don#t have a lot of needs. &hen I was on drugs, I had only one real need, that was for more drugs. "he drugs kept me so sedated that I didn#t need or feel anything elseM

3r. Paul mentioned that if you have an ideal image of a person, they will always not live up to your ideal, and you will be disappointed. 2ut I also think that everyone has an 0ideal1 image of a person, it is just that some of us have more realistic 0ideal1 images of another. "he language difference between a deep seated world narrative that affects a person#s beliefs and therefore emotions might be 0I just know so and so will happen.1 If somebody says 0just know1 that means they won#t be affected emotionally. 2ut if somebody says, 0I think so and so will happen,1 if it does happen, they can also be affected emotionally.

"hinking about something that happened doesn#t cause an emotional reaction, but believing something should or shouldn#t have happened definitely does. 2eliefs are deeply held narratives constructed about the world8 when these narratives are upheld a person feels good, and when they aren#t a person feels bad. Ironically enough, a person can deeply believe one thing in a firmly held narrative, but logically think and reason the opposite. "his causes a person to not be able to act on their thoughts and causes stress, a literal mental stress as the belief and the thought try to find common ground. (omebody whose action line is greater than their reality feedback line can feel embarrassed or foolish, especially if the reality feedback line is smaller than the other two lines. If there is a feeling of judgment from others, the feeling can be compounded. Even if there is no judgment and the reality feedback line is larger than the other two lines, a person will still feel silly, although they will be more encouraged to do it again. "here are at least two kinds of narratives. (elf.limiting beliefs, for instance a person that doesn#t think they are attractive and so therefore they don#t try to do things in life, and over inflated ego beliefs, in which a person deep down believes they are greater than they really are. 2ruce Lipton talked about cells just being proteins that reacted to environmental factors. It reminds me of computers. ;omputers have a program, and then once given an input or environmental stimulus, then they process the information and make a result. Let, unlike a cell with a nucleus and 3 $, computers lack the ability, or even will to reproduce. or is there the kind of genetic diversity and evolution in computer software. 2ruce says that a cell with no stimulus is dead. "he other talk said that a molecule with no stimulus is freedom for the molecule to e!ist in two places at one time. (ooooo, is no stimulus death or e!isting in multiple dimensions* $nd what does this

mean for sleep* $nd-or meditation*