Bust

A play by Sonny Sidhu

16 February 2009

Stage setting
A McMansion-style kitchen, with shiny, oversized appliances,
glass-front cabinets lit from within, and an endless, granite-
top center island lined with stools. At the far left end of
the stage is a faux-antique breakfast nook built around a
massive pedestal table, which is set with four places for
dinner.

Cast of characters (in order of appearance)

Traci - woman of the house
Zoe - daughter, age 15
Todd - son, age 20
Brian - man of the house
Lee - Brian’s colleague
Police Officer #1 - young male
Police Officer #2 - older male
Firemen - five, all male
Paramedics - three, male and female

Traci busies herself, vaguely, at the

center island, which is covered with
various utensils and opened bags, jars,
and bottles of food. A whole roasted
chicken rests upon the countertop. Zoe
texts on one of the stools.

ZOE
What did you need me for, exactly?

TRACI
(Knocking over jars, upending
bottles)
Help me with the--your father should be home in--have you
seen that piece of--here it is. Are you listening to me? Any
minute now. What time is it?

ZOE
I dunno.

TRACI
Help me get all this crap in the oven. Probably hasn’t eaten
a good meal all week... Where is your brother? What--
(Picking up a bag of salad and
throwing it into the sink)
This is garbage now. How long does it take to heat up the--
what did I get, chicken? Will you help me, here?

ZOE
Jesus, Mom. Why did you even--I can’t, like, cook.
 2.

TRACI
Your father is gonna be here any minute. Read those to me,
off the thing, the instructions. What does it say to do?

ZOE
Conventional oven or toaster oven or microwave?

TRACI
Oven, oven.

ZOE
One, preheat oven to four hundred and fifty degrees. Two--

TRACI
OK, good. We’ll skip that. What’s two?

ZOE
I was going to say. Two. Broil in oven-safe dish until... I
can’t see what it says because you ripped it up. Until done.

TRACI
Oven-safe, oven-safe...
(Rummaging through cabinets,
throwing pots and pans onto
the floor)
Is this oven-safe? No. This?
(Wielding Pyrex)
I’m going to put all the vegetables and crap I got in this
and just throw the chicken on top of it, let it all cook.
(Pouring containers into the
dish while cradling the
chicken under one arm like a
football, then throwing the
chicken in with a magnificent
splash)
Go get your brother, tell him dinner is almost ready.

ZOE
Why can’t you.

TRACI
He hasn’t seen you in a week, you’d think you would be the
least bit-- Does it matter where you stick the thermometer?
Todd he hasn’t seen since we dropped him off... open the oven
for me.

ZOE
God, alright, hold on a minute.
(She pockets the phone and
stomps over to Traci and the
oven, flinging open the door.)
TODD! He’s just outside, smoking one of his cigarettes,
probably. He smokes. I bet you didn’t know that.
 3.

TRACI
Don’t tell on your brother. Can you please go get him and
tell him he needs to--

ZOE
(Dialing)
I’ll call him.

Pause.

TRACI
He said he had big news when I talked to him this morning.
That’s why I’m cooking this big--

ZOE
Shut up, it’s ringing.

Pause.

ZOE
Hey, retard, Mom says you gotta come for dinner. You better
come when you get this. I know you’re ignoring me. Bye.
(To Traci)
He wasn’t there.

TRACI
Where could he-- It was supposed to be a surprise, when your
father got here... Todd coming all the way up... Call him
again.

ZOE
You call him.

Pause.

TRACI
You know I hate it when your father goes off to these things
and leaves me with all the work. And you. “Retreat.” When do
I get a retreat? Should I have set a timer?

ZOE
You had one, for Valentine’s. Last month, Mom, God. You
wouldn’t stop talking about the spa.

TRACI
Well it was terrible, the worst one I’ve ever been to. I gave
him an earful after that. Sending me to some cheap place. And
he tried to tell me it was the economy. Oh, I’m sorry, I
didn’t know it was the--

Enter Todd.
 4.

ZOE
God, you smell like farts. What is that?

TODD
It’s Tag. The body spray.

ZOE
Tag?
(Gagging, spitting on the
countertop)
Why can’t you use Axe like a normal person.

TRACI
Todd, your father is almost here. I want you washed up. He
doesn’t know you’re going to be here.

TODD
My car is in the driveway.

Sounds of a car approaching, stopping.

Doors slamming.

TRACI
Jesus Christ. Well, too late now. This damn chicken, how can
you even tell if it already looks cooked when you buy it?
It’s so stupid. What time is it? It’s early.

Enter Brian and Lee.

LEE
Well eventually we’re all gonna be taking dumps in a bucket.
But who woulda thought Iceland would be the first to go?

BRIAN
Somebody’s gotta be the first. Krona’s been in the basement a
long time.
(To Traci:)
Hey, hon. Listen, is it alright if Lee here eats with us
tonight? I told him he could eat dinner here.

LEE
‘Lo there Trace.

TRACI
Um, hi. Baby, look who’s here!
(Indicating Todd.)
Aren’t you excited!

BRIAN
Well, hey, kiddo! What do you say, Todd-O. Zoe, baby. Traci,
can I talk with you for a second over there?
 5.

Traci and Brian walk to the far end of

the center island.

ZOE
What are you, one of Dad’s work friends?

LEE
Could say that. You must be the girl.

BRIAN
Babe, Lee got let go. Just like that they dropped him.
Layoffs everywhere. He just needs to have a place to sit and
plan for a bit. I told him he could come over here tonight
and eat.

TODD
How’s it going. I’m Todd.

TRACI
Well, that’s terrible. But... when did this even happen,
didn’t you both just get back from the airport?

LEE
Pleased to meet you. Weren’t you going to college?

TODD
I’m visiting.

BRIAN
It’s a long story. Listen, we got enough food, right baby?
(To Lee.)
Lee, have a seat, man.
(He kisses Traci.)
I love you, baby. We got a lot to talk about. That all smells
delicious. What, did you cook? Mmm.
(To Lee.)
Hey bud you wanna beer? I got Stellas.

LEE
Oh yeah.

BRIAN
Todd?

TODD
Huh? Yeah!

ZOE
What?!

BRIAN
(Going to the fridge.)
Three crispy Stellas...
 6.

TRACI
Are you giving him alcohol?

BRIAN
Aw, lighten up, babe. Boy’s in college.

TODD
Yeah, come on, Mom. Jesus Christ.

BRIAN
Crispy Stellas, crispy Stellas... All this calls for crispy
Stellas. Comin’ up!

Todd, Brian, and Lee converge upon the

kitchen table.

TODD
Thanks, Pop!

Todd starts chugging his beer.

TRACI
What is going on, here? Let me get the chicken. Zoe, will you
put another place down on the table?

ZOE
Why do I have to do it?

BRIAN
Zo’, listen to your mother.
(To Lee.)
But going back to our conversation from before, you know
somebody up there had to feel it when the bottom started
falling out. Put all their money in, what is it they got up
there?

TODD
(Dribbling foam.)
Where?

LEE
Iceland.

TODD
(Having finished his beer.)
Bands.

ZOE
(Rummaging through cabinets,
throwing pots and pans onto
the floor)
Where do you keep the plates? Oh.
 7.

TODD
What happened in Iceland?

LEE
Total collapse.

BRIAN
Complete meltdown.

LEE
Just wait and see, too. There is no local anymore. This thing
will not be contained.

TRACI
Chicken’s ready! So was the hotel any good, tell us, how was
it? What was the retreat about?

BRIAN
We’re talking, one minute. What I think is, they should’ve
been onto it the second the government started flailing.

LEE
Well, look at us, we’re flailing.

BRIAN
Well.

TRACI
(Arriving with the chicken)
Come on, Zoe! Dinner’s on the table. Get the Coke. What are
you looking for?

ZOE
Where do you keep the stupid... Honestly. The forks. And
spoons. The knives are in here. Why aren’t they right in
here?

TRACI
To the left. You’re making our guest wait.

LEE
That’s OK.
(To Zoe.)
You’re OK, babe.

ZOE
(Slamming his plate and
silverware down on the table.)
I don’t know you. Dad, did you know for the field trip to New
York we all gotta have our five hundred dollars in by Friday
or else you can’t go?
 8.

BRIAN
Now, hold on with all that. I, we got some big news to share.

TRACI
Yeah, you were saying. I’ve been dying all day.

TODD
Can I have another beer Dad?

TRACI
No. Brian--

BRIAN
If you can get it from the fridge you can.

TRACI
I don’t like this!

LEE
I remember my first beer...

TRACI
Well, what’s the news? Jesus Christ already!

BRIAN
First let’s dish out this bird, what say? Where’s the
cutters? Zo’, baby, can you get me the cutters from over
there? I don’t know where your mom keeps them.

ZOE
No, Todd is already up. Todd, get the cutters.

TODD
I don’t know where any of that crap is!

TRACI
By the sink.

TODD
(Rummaging through the drawer,
tossing utensils onto the
ground.)
Oh. These ones?

BRIAN
Yeah, bring them here. Let’s get this bird cut up. Say,
Trace, this chicken local?

Todd returns with the cutters and a new

beer, which he promptly begins
chugging.
 9.

Brian tears distractedly into the

chicken, picking up sections of it and
dropping them onto the various plates.

TRACI
I don’t know. You know I do all the shopping at Whole Foods.
All that stuff is organic, you know, whatever it is they say.
They have the stickers.

BRIAN
Not organic, local.

TRACI
Whatever. How should I know?

LEE
Lotta difference between organic and local. You know how much
it takes to ship a chicken? Keep it frozen?

TRACI
No, I don’t-- why does it matter?

LEE
Everything matters.

TRACI
What’s this news? I swear if somebody doesn’t tell me--

ZOE
This is cold.

BRIAN
We’re moving!

Long pause.

TRACI
What?

ZOE
Since when?

BRIAN
We gotta ditch this relic!

TRACI
Have you gone crazy? We just finished--

LEE
Cheers to that!

TODD
Cheers, man! Where are you guys going?
 10.

TRACI
What, did you get transferred? Promoted? What, tell us, what
happened at the retreat?

BRIAN
The what? Oh. Right. The retreat, yeah, I dunno. But listen--

TRACI
What do you mean, “I dunno.” What about Lee? Did you get...
Oh my God.

BRIAN
Laid off? No.

TRACI
Thank God. I’m sorry, Lee.

BRIAN
Hell, no, I got out of there before they could even try to
let me go. The whole thing’s ending, baby. Show’s over. No
reason to stick around, for me.

LEE
Good riddance!

ZOE
So Dad quit his job? Great.

TRACI
Quiet, Zoe. Brian, you better start talking. Who’s moving.
How could you do that? You idiot!

LEE
Now, hold on...

BRIAN
I’ll take it from here, man. It’s not complicated, Trace. You
see, it’s curtains. For all these guys. Their party’s over.
Lee’s been showing me what’s what.

TODD
(Getting up.)
This chicken’s cold. Anybody want another beer?

LEE
Yeah I’ll have one. One for your old man, too.

BRIAN
Everybody’s talking about the economy. Economy this, economy
that, what’s gonna happen, is it up, is it down, should we
bail it out, how long’s it gonna take to save, how much do we
put into it, you know, the whole deal. Nobody’s stepping back
and taking a look at the big picture.
 11.

Big picture is, this is it. Whole thing’s gonna grind to a

halt. This is just the endgame. This is just moving pieces
around.

Todd returns with three beers.

LEE
(Lifting his bottle.)
Check, no checkmate!

TODD
Get wasted!

Todd and Lee chug their beers.

TRACI
You’re bullshitting, Brian. What happened to your JOB.

BRIAN
My job? I mean, look what happened to Lee. That could’ve been
me just as easy. Management, we’re not safe anymore. We’re
the first to go. “Efficiency.”

LEE
Ha.

BRIAN
They don’t get it. They’ll never be efficient, that’s not
their game. The game is, they skim off the inefficiencies in
everything, that’s what they eat. It’s all paper. Little
strips of make-believe. If everything added up it’d be the
end of their world! But now the cat’s out of the bag, so the
sky is falling on them, now they wake up. Guy like Lee here
means nothing to them.

ZOE
Mom, is Dad going nuts or something?

TRACI
No, honey. Quitting your job because you might get fired is
what healthy people do. Brian, you’ve got about two more
seconds to start telling me what’s going on.

BRIAN
Nuts, ha. That girl’s a sharp one. I’ll tell you what’s nuts,
is that not six months ago, me and Lee here woulda been the
only ones in the room knew what you were talking about if you
brought up the idea of a credit default swap. Now everybody
throws “credit default swap” around like they know the score,
like that’s all that did it. And you know what? Not one
person actually knows the concept behind it, but whatever.
That’s neither here nor there. But honestly, I don’t think a
one of them knows what the hell they’re talking about, and
even if they do, great.
 12.

Mr. Monday Morning Quarterback, good for you. You found the
culprit, you got us. Credit default swaps, yeah, you got the
gist of it. It’s all thin air, thank you very much. Like we
weren’t the first to know, back when nobody was asking the
right questions? But either way, I concede. What I did or did
not do is so beside the point there’s no use in feeling
guilty.

TRACI
So that’s it? You feel guilt for having all this, the cars,
the whole thing? You don’t like living where it’s safe?

LEE
I wouldn’t be so sure...

BRIAN
And everybody thinks they’ve got the inside line now, too.
Big pronouncements. They don’t see the half of it. Like I
said, default swaps, that’s old news. Us guys, we have a
front row seat to armageddon. A guy like me, like Lee here,
we can read the writing on the wall. Total collapse is the
best time to be a step ahead of the other guys. It’s where
the real fortunes get made. That’s why I sold the house.

ZOE
Huh?

TODD
A toast!
(He gets more beer from the
fridge.)

TRACI
Say that again?

BRIAN
It’s done, I got it all under control. Everything’s signed.

TRACI
Without talking to me?

LEE
Don’t worry, he got a fair price for this market.

BRIAN
We’re supposed to be out the end of next week but a couple of
days this way or that isn’t gonna make a difference. There’s
no buyers yet, of course. Who’s buying? I did it through the
bank, got it all in cash.

LEE
Unfortunately.
 13.

BRIAN
Yeah but it’s a bank. What are you gonna expect. Cash pigs.

TODD
(Chugging his beer.)
Piggy bank!
(He smashes the empty bottle on
the table.)

TRACI
Todd! Brian, do something.

ZOE
Jerk! There’s glass in my eye!

LEE
No there isn’t, none of the glass went your way. I was
watching. Me, I might’ve had some glass in my eye. I’m fine.

ZOE
Screw you, dude!

BRIAN
What kind of language is that to use on your father’s guest?
I’m sorry, Lee, I don’t know what’s gotten into the girl. All
this change, it can’t be easy.

TRACI
Well, where are we supposed to go? Have you thought about
that?

BRIAN
It’s all figured out. I have the vessel.

TRACI
The vessel.

BRIAN
I’m moving us onto a boat.

TODD
That’s kind of awesome.

TRACI
A boat. What’s gotten into you? When did all this happen?

Zoe begins tearing her chicken into

tiny pieces with her fingernails and
flicking the shreds across the room in
all directions.
 14.

BRIAN
Wait’ll you see it. 55-foot sailing yacht, beautiful piece of
nautical engineering. The works, too. Full kitchen, sleeping
for six, two bath, lounge area, deck seating, wood paneling
everywhere, I mean God damn, Trace, you really gotta see her.
First thing tomorrow. Of course, we’re gonna have to gut it.
Get all that extra weight out of there so we can store more
down below. All that extra crap sucks energy. We’ll see what
we can lose. Heated water, definitely. We’ll boil what we
need.

TRACI
What happened at the retreat? You’re going too fast. I want
to know exactly what happened.

LEE
Wasn’t no retreat.

BRIAN
Yeah, no. See, they let Lee go the day of! And of course we
got to talking, and well, by the time it was time for me to
get on the airport shuttle, me and Lee had it all pretty much
figured out, that if there’s a time to do it now’s the time.
So I told them, eff you, I know when I’m on a sinking ship. I
can feel the earth moving under me. This thing’s slowing down
for good, I said. And of course they tried to tell me, oh,
you know, it’s gonna be a different story this quarter. It’s
a whole new ballgame, they tried to tell me, with this
bailout cash we’re getting. And the TARP funds, they said
that’s gonna wipe out most of the cancer in our books. “A
fresh start, Morgan!” That’s what they were saying to me, a
clean slate. Begging me to stay, Traci, as my word is my
honor. Sad, really.

LEE
But he said no, sir.

BRIAN
No, sir. And walked right outta there.

TRACI
You’re telling me there was no retreat? Where have you been,
this past week?

BRIAN
Why bother with their nonsense emergency retreat? Why spend a
minute longer than I have to? What could they possibly have
that I want?

TRACI
Oh, I don’t know, a paycheck?
 15.

BRIAN
Trace, Trace, Trace.

LEE
You’re missing sight of the big picture, I think, here. Hey!
(Wiping his neck.)
What was that, a piece of chicken? Hey! This girl’s chucking
chicken at everybody!

TODD
God, Zoe, can’t you stop being a little stain for one hour of
your life? Can’t you see the adults are talking?

TRACI
That’s no way to behave. Apologize.

ZOE
You all can rot. I hate this family. I’m not going anywhere.
You can’t make me leave this house. I have friends in school.

BRIAN
Zoe, your friends are going to have to adjust sooner or later
too.

LEE
Adjust, that’s all.

ZOE
I HATE YOU!

Exit Zoe.

TRACI
Look, I don’t-- How much money are we talking about, here.

BRIAN
That’s not really the issue. I mean, since you asked, of
course, you know, this isn’t exactly a seller’s market in
terms of home values, real estate. But the price we got is
decent, just in terms of conserving your assets. Only about a
half-million or so off what we paid, which is a miracle in a
way. But at the same time what’s happening with houses right
now is happening double with boats.

LEE
Especially with luxury boats, which is all you find around
here in terms of sail-powered craft.

BRIAN
Exactly, sail-powered. That’s the main point. But who wants
to buy a luxury yacht these days, huh? Buyer in this market
stands to come away with a lot of boat for the dollar.
 16.

LEE
Boat for dollar, hollow for hollow. Both float till they
don’t. Hey, boy, get us men another round of that stuff.

Todd gets more beer from the fridge.

When he returns, all three men chug
their beers and slam them carelessly
down on the table. The bottles all fall
onto their sides and roll off the
table, shattering on the floor one
after another.

BRIAN
What you have to understand, babe, before you go thinking
about money is this: What is money? What is it, anymore? I
mean really.

LEE
Big picture.

BRIAN
Tell her, man. She’s not gonna listen to it from me.

LEE
Sure she will. Obvious is obvious.

BRIAN
Come on. Listen to Lee, Trace.

TRACI
You listen to me, you motherfucker.

ZOE
(Offstage)
YOU SAID MOTHERFUCKER!

TRACI
GO TO YOUR ROOM!

ZOE
(Offstage)
APOLOGIZE TO OUR GUEST!

TRACI
The girl is a witch. A WITCH! YOU HEAR ME NOW?

Traci begins clearing the table and

loading the dishwasher, violently.
Todd, laughing hysterically, goes to
the fridge and grabs another beer,
which he chugs standing in front of the
open refrigerator.
 17.

He places the empty bottle back inside,

retrieves another full bottle, and
wobbles back to the table.

LEE
Aren’t you forgetting your role, son?

Todd returns to the fridge for two more

beers and brings them to the table. The
men drink.

LEE
You got one kid’s alright, here. This one’ll come in useful
when it comes down to it, which it will. But what was I about
to say?

BRIAN
About peak oil. I wanted you to explain the idea of peaking
to the woman.

LEE
Peaking, right. Well, it’s simple, actually.

BRIAN
Are you listening, Trace?

LEE
Imagine one day OPEC sends a guy out and says, alright,
here’s the deal, we’re not out of oil yet, but we’re getting
there, and as of right now there’s officially no more coming
out of the ground. Ever. Use what you got, buy more while you
can. What’s gonna happen? For you and me, oil disappears
overnight. Too expensive. If you can even find some. But
there’s still some left, you say? Not anymore. The idea of
none left is as good as none left, because we’re talking
about commodities markets here, remember. Nobody’s hammering
out a deal over a barrel of oil, this is happening on
computers in Hong Kong, the prices are being set. So no more
oil, what does that mean? Gasoline, kerosene, propane,
everything, gone. Non-oil fuels, what happens to them? Well,
natural gas is still there, you still got natural gas, except
all the demand carrying over from, well, anybody who uses oil
now means suddenly natural gas is too expensive... You get
the idea. Panic. We’ve had price shocks before but think of
this as the big one. The never-ending shock. The shock is our
new baseline, but it doesn’t matter, because nobody can even
play ball at that level. So no more fuel. Oil goes, it all
goes.

BRIAN
So what happens is, essentially, total meltdown. The cars...
Fucked. Tear ‘em up, sell them for scrap. Well, how do you
live in the suburbs with no cars? Trains?
 18.

LEE
We have a rail system that would be the shame of Bulgaria.

BRIAN
Exactly. So you’re probably saying, fine, you move to the
city. Population centers, you rely on farmers’ markets.
Everything local, figure out how to get the gasoline out of
your diet. Everything settles back to a new normal. No.

LEE
Fat chance.

TODD
Yeah!

Traci starts the dishwasher, gets a

handle of Absolut from under the center
island, and sits down on one of the
stools, her back facing Todd, Brian,
and Lee. At intervals, she swigs from
the bottle of vodka.

BRIAN
Because once the energy starts to fade away, the cities are
gonna get pretty grim real fast. Think about it, even before
the grid blinks off for good, let’s say we’re only talking
about a rolling blackout-type situation. California, 2005.
Well, what are all those people going to do, living in
skyscrapers with no elevators? With barely any real food, you
think people’s legs are gonna take them up and down fifty
flights all day?

LEE
Abandon ship!

BRIAN
Right, of course not. And then remember what Lee was saying
just now about the natural gas. What do you think’s gonna
happen when the natural gas reserves in these cities start
getting low? Simple. You’re gonna see the pressure drop.
Across the board. Pipes are gonna freeze and burst all at the
same time, and you’re gonna see it all washed into the
street, people’s lives and garbage. Hallways flooded, a
waterfall behind every window. Buildings getting waterlogged,
sagging, listing, crumpling where they stand. Exodus. And
then what? Nothing, really, I mean. Do what humans always do.
Regroup, reconcentrate along the waterways. Figure out how to
use them for energy, to get around. Rebuild.

LEE
But not us.
 19.

BRIAN
No way, not us Morgans, and not you all either.

LEE
Hell, no.

TRACI
I don’t see what any of this has to do with us moving onto a
boat. You cocksucker.

BRIAN
Well, all of it has to do with all of it! What do you mean?
This thing is about to happen, now! This financial thing,
it’s huge but it’s just the start. This isn’t just a
financial collapse, this is it. Collapse, period. Culture,
society, currency... hit reset. We’re headed back to the
steam era. It’s happening now. On a boat, you got everything
you need. We’ll sail with six months of propane, maybe a
little bit of stockpiled gasoline if we have an outboard in
case of faint wind or pirate emergencies... And then down
below, six months of rice, six months of beans. Whatever we
can keep. Dried nuts, figs, raisins, fruits, whatever we can
dry out. Done right what we’re talking about is essentially a
floating survival capsule for a family of four.

TODD
What about me?

BRIAN
What about you? You’ll be my first mate.

TODD
No, I mean, school. I’m only in my second year.

BRIAN
School?

LEE
Ha! These kids are all studying to become hedge fund
managers... They’re gonna end up picking rutabaga!

TODD
You can’t be serious. What about my education?

BRIAN
The school was very understanding when I called. They said I
wasn’t the first... Apparently a lot of people are up and
deciding now that they just can’t keep paying for all that,
important as it is. Unfortunately they’re not going to refund
what they got from us already for the year but it’s so much
water down the drain.
 20.

TRACI
(Chugging vodka.)
Down the drain, down the drain! So much vodka down the drain!

TODD
You already--? I can’t even go back? What the fuck? This is
bullshit! You can’t just not ask me! I’m-- you know what,
enjoy yourselves. Look at you. Nihilist idiots. I’m going to
bed. When I wake up I’m driving to Rebecca’s and you’re not
going to see me after that.

ZOE
(Offstage)
HOW DOES IT FEEL, BROTHER? CROTCH WIPE!

TRACI
(Chugging vodka.)
(To Todd.)
Tell your sister she’s a whore, and you know how I know it
is, she’s a disappointment. That foul-mouthed little shit.

ZOE
(Offstage)
DRINKING AGAIN? ARE YOU SURE IT WON’T EAT THROUGH YOUR
PLASTIC FACE?

Exit Todd.

TRACI
So we’re broke now, great.

BRIAN
No, we’re yacht-owners, baby.

LEE
Join the club. Sure feels good, don’t it?

BRIAN
Yacht-owners. We will be kings soon. And you, a queen.

TRACI
We’re yacht-poor, then. How will I explain this to the girls
at the gym? Are we going to have an address down at the
marina? Oh God, am I going to have to give out a slip number?

BRIAN
For a while, I figure. But it’s about mobility, baby. Anchors
aweigh! Give me that bottle.

He drinks.

TRACI
A yacht and no job. That’s just great.
 21.

LEE
No job? Now, wait a minute, these boats are the ticket.
That’s what I was telling your husband after I got mine.
These vessels are our future. Everybody’s future, in fact.
Because when peak comes--

BRIAN
And it will.

LEE
When peak comes, the price of diesel is going to shoot up
like nobody’s business overnight. And then we’ll be able to
undercut the truckers on price, you know, set up coastal
trading routes, maybe go up for apples from Vermont and meat
from Canada, bring them down here and sell them at farmers’
markets or just out of the boats. I mean, I figure eventually
these boats are going to be like beacons out there. People
are gonna pin a lot of hope on us in these boats. If we take
them past Martha’s Vineyard we’ll hear the old millionaires
in their coastal mansions crying out in joy and desperation.
And we’ll see them paddling out to us in their little unsure
canoes so they can try and barter with us. Their finest
jewelry for a can of Spam. Their family’s heirloom china for
a set of double A’s. It’s sad, really. Because what are we
going to do with heirloom china? They’ll be quite poor,
really. We’ll have to send them back.

BRIAN
Well, not if it’s gold jewelry. Or plates.

LEE
Well, no. Of course not. Gold will always be gold.

BRIAN
Exactly. That’s the other thing, Traci. Don’t be alarmed when
the bank statement comes and there’s nothing in any of the
accounts anymore. We’re trying out something different.

TRACI
(Chugging vodka.)
Different, same, it’s all the same.

BRIAN
I’ve opened a little cash-for-gold business just for our
area. Took out an ad in the daily and everything, just gonna
run it out of a P.O. box I got.

LEE
Now, listen to this. Your husband is a brilliant man.

BRIAN
Because really, you hear “cash for gold,” I hear “gold for
cash.”
 22.

LEE
A man of great foresight.

TRACI
(Chugging vodka, spilling it
all over her face, neck, and
blouse.)
Yachts and gold, I’m already sold! We’ve got it made in the
shade! My husband’s buying up all the gold in town, I must be
the luckiest woman alive!

BRIAN
It started off slow the first two days but pretty soon word
got out! I’ve been in business all of six days and already
I’ve got twenty eight thousand dollars’ worth of gold, baby!

LEE
This guy learns too quick!

TRACI
GOLD!

LEE
All you gotta do really is offer a fair price on the ounce
and they’ll be lining up! Tough times for everybody, even the
lady down the street with the ten thousand dollar brooch
sitting in her jewelry box. Why not parlay the insecurity of
others into security for your own?

BRIAN
And so what if I’m offering more for it than those internet
assholes, or the pawn shop, or anyone else? They don’t get
it, they don’t see the big picture.

ZOE
(Offstage.)
THE BIG PICTURE IS YOU COULD’VE BOUGHT ME A JETTA WITH THAT
LIKE YOU PROMISED! JESUS CHRISTRAPING FUCK, DAD!

TODD
(Offstage.)
YOU PULLED ME OUT OF COLLEGE SO YOU COULD BUY ALL THE
NEIGHBORS’ JEWELRY? YOU FUCKING JOKE!

BRIAN
(Yelling at the ceiling.)
GOD DAMN IT WHAT PART OF THE WORDS ECONOMIC COLLAPSE DO YOU
NOT UNDERSTAND? YOU FUCKING INGRATES. STOP. THINKING. ABOUT
WEALTH. IN TERMS OF MONEY.

LEE
Here’s a wise man.
 23.

TRACI
(Yelling at the ceiling.)
LISTEN TO YOUR FATHER!

LEE
Oh eight and oh nine are nothing new!

BRIAN
I swear to God we should just leave the kids.

LEE
What about ninety-eight? Eighty-seven? Seventy-four? Hell,
twenty-nine? They always forget.

TRACI
No, how could you say that? These are our children.

BRIAN
You’re right, they may be worth something eventually. For
bartering. The boy, especially.

LEE
Nineteen aught seven... Eighteen seventy-three... Eighteen
thirty-seven. Damn it, if you had invested heavily in gold in
eighteen thirty-six, eighteen thirty-seven would have been a
good year for you. Thirty-seven! But most lacked the
foresight then, as now.

TRACI
(Sighing heavily.)
I am going to miss this place, though. Oh baby, do we really
have to leave right away?

LEE
This is nothing. All of this is nothing, there is nothing
here. Except, soon, want. Great want.

BRIAN
He’s right, hon. I’ve always hated this place.

LEE
This place and all others like it, in equal measure. The
roughly thirty-six thousand other identical cul-de-sacs in
upper-upper-middle-class America, all ringed with these...
(Lightly tapping the wall with
his shoe.)
...Hollow... Masonite temples. Signifying what? Debt.

BRIAN
It’s these God damned cardboard mansions we all consign
ourselves to, and why? To prove our wealth? Does this look
like wealth to you?
 24.

(He punches a hole through the

nearest wall, then another,
then another.)
Is this opulence? Is opulence a four-thousand dollar coat of
Laura Ashley paint on top of a four-dollar slab of stonewall?
No, this, here, this...
(He kicks out a sizable portion
of wall with his shoe.)
...is what a lie looks like! This is what you see when you
look too closely!

LEE
(Joining Brian in punctuating
every sentence with a wall-
crushing punch.)
I was thrilled to be rid of mine. It was like yours, of
course, give or take a few bay windows and amenities
packages. But much the same spirit. Hallway here, stairway
there, doorway over there. The general spirit of
ridiculousness. But I wonder, how did this become inscribed,
repeated, reified? This aesthetic of envious pastiche? Look
at this incredible monument to bullshit. These ridiculous
twenty-foot ceilings. Who put these here, all these columns
and banisters and pilasters and finials and porticos and
mezzanines, hm? Whose sad, half-formed notion of grandeur is
this? Whose ridiculous cartoon idea of dignity and importance
is this? These houses look like the whores you find during
business hours in the financial district. Like somebody’s
idea of desire, told secondhand. And inside? Nothing. Empty
boxes. American Potemkin villages. This is how the better
half lives.

TRACI
But I liked it. As long as it was ours. Because it was ours.
Just for that.

BRIAN
Look, babe, now’s no time for sentimentality. But if it makes
you feel any better there’ll be time for us to come back,
eventually. Scavenge the house, see if anything’s left. See
what we can scrap and trade. Although, honestly, there’s not
much worth a flying shit in here now, to begin with.

Brian attacks the wall with a running

kick, knocking out a hole three feet in
diameter.

LEE
No doubt about it, this is the worst place in the world you
could sit tight. No way to ride things out here. No way. The
social contract breaks down, sweetie. There may not even be
anything left to scavenge if you do come back. Think about
it.
 25.

Eventually when you’re talking about ad-hoc societies

forming, you know, groups of a dozen or two dozen unruly
guys, out-of-work plumber-types, sitting around campfires,
drinking rancid raisin wine they got in exchange for all the
food they had, maybe a handful of snared rock doves... You
don’t think eventually they’ll be on the march? You don’t
think they’ll eventually decide to head over to Greenwich
with rocks and knives and kitchen matches and see how the
rich folks are holding out? This place is a wasteland, but
this whole country’s a wasteland, and for some reason this is
the wasteland to beat, and that makes it a target. So say
goodbye while you can.

BRIAN
He’s right, you know.

TRACI
I know. Damn.

Traci crosses over to the cabinets,

grabs a stack of dishes, and hurls them
at the floor.

TRACI
Well, no use in leaving anything for the bastards.

LEE
Now you’re talking!

BRIAN
All right!

TRACI
Come on, help me.

They all start going through the

cabinets, finding anything breakable,
and breaking it.

Enter Zoe and Todd.

ZOE
What the hell is going on down here?

TODD
You’re all fucking nuts.

TRACI
Come on, kids! They’re not gonna get shit when they show up
here!

BRIAN
We’ll all be laughing on the high seas!
 26.

LEE
Here, young lady. This is your fight now too.

Lee hands Zoe a stack of bowls and Todd

a stack of saucers. He looks into their
eyes and nods solemnly. They join in
the destruction. The kitchen is an orgy
of violence. Soon, the sound of sirens
fades in, and with it, the sound of a
car pulling into the driveway. There is
a knock at the door.

TRACI
Oh, it’s the cops.
(With raised voice.)
Come in!

POLICE OFFICER #1
Police!

POLICE OFFICER #2
What in the-- Do you all live here?

BRIAN
(Indicating Lee.)
He doesn’t. Otherwise yes. Or, no. Formerly. Soon.

POLICE OFFICER #2
And these are all your things?

TRACI
Yes officer, we don’t need them anymore.

POLICE OFFICER #1
We had reports of a domestic dispute and breaking and
entering.

ZOE
Well, obviously it’s neither, so. Can you just leave us
alone?

POLICE OFFICER #2
Well, what exactly is going on, here?

LEE
It’s just the times, officer. These are uncertain times, as
I’m sure you’ve heard.

POLICE OFFICER #2
I have.
 27.

With Lee occupying the officers, Traci,

Brian, Zoe, and Todd slowly resume
smashing everything in sight.

LEE
The times are full of uncertainty.

POLICE OFFICER #2
Try telling that to the pension board, damn sons of bitches.
I know that, you ain’t gotta tell me.

LEE
So, that’s just it. What you see here is a family adjusting
to that uncertainty.

POLICE OFFICER #1
Is that what they’re doing?

LEE
It’s easy. You can do it, too. In your own homes.

POLICE OFFICER #1
I doubt my wife would like that very much. We’re saving for a
new flat screen. Prices are going way, way down.

Todd takes a break from smashing and

begins searching frantically for
something in the various drawers around
the kitchen.

LEE
They are, they are. They’re heading for rock bottom. What an
excellent time to invest in a new television set. Getting a
good deal is all about being there at rock bottom. Still, you
could join in here, if not at home. There’s much work to be
done.

POLICE OFFICER #1
It does look like fun.

LEE
Here, let me get you some empty things.

Lee crosses over to one of the

cabinets, and returns with a large
stack of dishes, which he splits into
two, handing one half to each police
officer. The officers look at each
other, shrug, and join in the ongoing
cacophony of destruction. Todd finds
what he has been looking for: a box of
kitchen matches.
 28.

He grabs the bottle of liquor from the

center island and smashes it to the
floor, spilling vodka everywhere. He
strikes a match and tosses it to the
floor, igniting a fire. Then he returns
to the work of smashing, taking a heavy
skillet to the glass-front cabinets
lining the kitchen. Shortly, more
sirens are heard approaching.

Enter five firemen.

The firemen survey the room, and, after

a moment’s hesitation, decide to ignore
the fire and join in the smashing. They
take to the fridge, passing any
destructible items within it from
fireman to fireman, bucket brigade-
style. The last fireman takes each
item, winds up, and hurls it across the
room, leaving colorful streaks and
splatters along the walls. Soon, more
sirens are heard approaching.

Enter three paramedics.

The paramedics survey the room and,

finding everyone on the scene
conscious, decide to join in the
smashing. The fire spreads. Soon there
is little else left to smash, and so
the group closes in on the towering,
empty stainless-steel refrigerator.
Surrounding it and clutching at it,
they strain and chant:

ALL
Heave! Ho! Heave! Ho! Heave!

The refrigerator tips forward, then

topples onto the monolithic center
island, which also topples forward with
a thunderous crash.

ALL
Ho!

Lights dim.

FIN.