Sex

By
Dysaniak

Dialogue logged in #xkcd channels.

Copyright the Author, 2009 dysaniak @ any protocol

 Cast of Characters
Elliot: A man.
Nat: A 25 year old man, "not very
physically manly."
Daniel: A young man.
Will: A man.
Aurelle: A woman.
Tim: A man.
Sam: A man.
 ACT I
Scene 1
Dan, Aurelle, Tim, Sam and Will are all sitting
around a table in a library. There are stacks of
books around them, and they all have laptops
out. They also have name-stickers on their
shirts, and so do all the other folk milling about
in the library, giving the impression that this is
some kind of large group of strangers loosely
connected through an schedule-free
organization. Elliot and Nat come in together,
talking, and stop to dialogue near the table with
the others. The characters at times speak
passionately, but no one gets offended, no one
backs down as if, for some reason, social backlash
and fear of social backlash have somehow been
quelled. Dan is not reading anything - he is
watching the room, and listening. Aurelle is
typing away on her computer, Will is reading, and
Tim is writing in a notebook. Sometimes, more
than one person might speak at once, overlapping.
ELLIOT
(Reading from a slip of paper.) "Sex is definitely an
important part of most healthy relationships - and the
defining part of a lot of unhealthy ones! However,
physical beauty and sexiness are not always
intertwined. I’ll take a sexy average girl over an
un-sexy pretty girl any day." How does this comment
even begin to make sense? I mean what the fuck is the
difference between "pretty" and "sexy?"
NAT
I think it has to do with body language and such -
looking sexy.
DAN
It starts making sense at the beginning... The idea
that a person can be sexually attractive without the
appropriate "pretty" facial dimensions?
ELLIOT
(Not responding)...and what does "sexy average"
mean. Also, wow, this is not the room I thought it
was.
DANIEL
Your Charisma score is very different from your
Attractiveness. And Charisma scores sex.
 2.

NAT
(Not responding) One can do certain poses and stuff to
look sexy. I don’t know how, but then I don’t speak
body language.
ELLIOT
That kind of shit isn’t sexy at all, though.
NAT
Some people think so, despite your personal opinion!
ELLIOT
Yes, Nat, but my opinion is correct.
NAT
I didn’t say everyone was correct though.
DANIEL
Wait, it’s not possible to be more attracted to an
average-looking girl than to an above-average, pretty
one?
ELLIOT
(Finally turning to Danial) If we are strictly talking
physical attractiveness, what aspects contribute to
physical attractiveness other than "prettiness?"
NAT
I guess if you define "pretty" as societal standards,
and you have your own standards.
ELLIOT
(To Dan) How can someone be "average-looking" and
"sexy?"
NAT
I don’t care for hot girls, personally.
ELLIOT
(to Nat) You mean like airbrushed chicks with fake
boobs, orange skin, died blond hair and a "come and get
it" face?
NAT
Yeah, and make up. Often heaps of it.
DANIEL
I am sexually attracted to subtle things in a girl’s
body language; her use of eye contact, her clothing...
Within reason of course. I am not attracted to ugly
people. But a smiling, "intelligent-looking,"
precocious girl will win over the airbrushed chicks
with fake boobs, orange skin, died blond hair and "come
and get it" faces.
 3.

ELLIOT
(to Nat) Do you find women attractive at all?
NAT
Yes, though not particularly much. Compared to other
males, who seem to have a boob radar which always
detects any nearby tits and automatically adjusts head
direction to gaze upon them. (Time passes.) Sure got
quiet in here. I think I see tumbleweeds.
WILL
(Looking up from a book.) There are so many attractive
people.
NAT
There are. So why make a big deal out of it. OMG
SHE’s HOT!! Uh, so what?
DANIEL
I dunno. Why take it for granted, either?
WILL
(To Nat) Who is doing it, this?
NAT
In my experience, anyone with a penis except me. And,
well, the gay ones.
WILL
As far as taking it for granted, there should be the
same wonder each time.
ELLIOT
So? I want to put my penis in her vagina! (laughs)
NAT
Common exchange: "Oh man, did you see that girl?"
"No. What girl?" "The one who just walked by." "No,
I wasn’t looking." "Well, she was HOT!" "Uh,
okay." Just let me get my notepad out so I can write
down, a hot girl walked by.
WILL
I knew some people like that. Well, let’s see...
DANIEL
For me it’s more like, "Did you-" "Yeah." "Neat."
"Yup!" Its nice to share a little good moment with a
friend!
NAT
I never got the point. It’s a girl, wow. I’m not going
to whip it out then and there.
 4.

AURELLE
(Pausing in her computer use.) Does it get less
important for guys as they get older? I mean, my
husband is 33 and couldn’t care less at this point
about that sort of thing.
NAT
It’s always been the same for me, but I suspect I’m not
representative.
ELLIOT
Nat is definitely representative of the average person.
AURELLE
(Chuckling.) He’s not as unusual as you might think. I
knew several guys in high school who had that attitude.
NAT
Maybe when you’re married or have a girlfriend you look
less. There’s some logic to that. But then trying to
ascribe logic to people’s actions is often illogical in
itself.
DANIEL
Nat, not true! People all operate on some kind of
logic. Even if its animal instinct.... And if you
don’t believe that, you can ascribe behavior to the set
up of their neural ’map!
NAT
I’m just asexual, something people seem to have a hard
time dealing with.
DANIEL
You don’t produce the normal levels of testosterone?
ELLIOT
I don’t think you are. Asexual means you don’t
experience attraction at all.
AURELLE
No, i think you can choose to be asexual
NAT
Semantics, semantics. I don’t care about sex.
ELLIOT
(To Aurelle) Not having sex is not equivalent to being
asexual.
TIM
(Putting down a pen, and closing a notebook.) You can’t
choose to be asexual. You can’t control what you’re
(MORE)
 5.

TIM (cont’d)
attracted to. You can choose not to act on it, but you
can’t choose not to feel it at all.
ELLIOT
Sure you can, through self-conditioning.
TIM
That’s like choosing not to feel cold. You might be
able to convince yourself you’re not cold, but that
doesn’t mean your body isn’t registering the low
temperature. You’re just distracting yourself from it.
NAT
I suspect I do have low testosterone levels. I’m not
very physically manly either so makes sense.
AURELLE
It’s not a matter of controlling what or who you’re
attracted to, it’s a question of what you do with that
attraction.
TIM
No it isn’t, Aurelle. Celibacy is not asexuality.
DANIEL
Tim is right. Asexuality would have to exist as a
physiological condition.
NAT
Celibacy is choosing not to have sex because of some
principle.
ELLIOT
(Grabbing a dictionary, and flipping through it.)
Asexual... Asexual...
NAT
Which isn’t the same as being "meh, whatever" about the
whole thing.
TIM
Not necessarily because of some principle, Nat. You can
be just too lazy and unmotivated to bother.
AURELLE
(Elliot finds "asexual," and hands the dictionary to
Aurelle, pointing out the word’s location on the page.
Reading from the dictionary) Asexual. Adjective. 1.
Having no evident sex or sex organs; sexless. 2.
Relating to, produced by, or involving reproduction
that occurs without the union of male and female
gametes, as in binary fission or budding. 3. Lacking
interest in or desire for sex.
 6.

NAT
If we’re having a quoting match, (reading from his
phone) "Asexuality... (a few seconds pass as it loads.)
is a sexual orientation describing individuals who do
not experience sexual attraction or do not have
interest in or desire for sex." I would belong to the
latter, as it were. But this is all semantics, call it
what you like.
TIM
But for those of us who do find people sexually
attractive, I don’t see what your problem is with us
enjoying it. I like looking at attractive people. Why
does this bother you?
NAT
Sex is just an activity one might choose to do, I don’t
bother, just like I don’t go skydiving or whatever else
one might do. It doesn’t bother me, I just don’t get
the big deal about it.
TIM
Not being particularly motivated to have sex doesn’t
mean you don’t experience sexual attraction. Maybe you
don’t. But it’s quite possible to be attracted to
people and still not be sufficiently motivated to do
anything about it.
AURELLE
Nat, is there anything that you’re passionate about?
NAT
Eh, that might be politics, I have my convictions.
TIM
The big deal is that desire for sex is quite often a
strong motivator.
NAT
I’m not a very emotional person on the whole.
TIM
Out of interest, how old are you Nat?
NAT
25, if you must know, though I don’t see the
relevance. I never had sex on the mind all the time.
SAM
(Piping up from a book.) It might be relevant in terms
of perceived sexual age.
 7.

WILL
Since by that time, the sex on the mind all the time
might be expected to die down. Are the people you are
with who do it the same age?
NAT
You mean my friends? Yes, they are about the same age.
TIM
Oh, I just mean that if you were a teenager I’d assume
you were deliberately acting aloof and disinterested,
as many teens do.
WILL
Oh my, not those teenagers again!
NAT
Sometimes they tell me to hit on women and
shit. Because clearly one cannot be content as a
virgin!
ELLIOT
Hey, are you talking about me?
TIM
No, Elliot. It might apply to you, but I wouldn’t’t
know. ;p. (To Nat) It’s not so much that one cannot be
content as a virgin, more that if you haven’t tried it,
how do you know you don’t like it?
DANIEL
Uh, can I just call a, "I’ve never tried heroin" on
your last statement?
ELLIOT
(To Nat) I thought you lived in an anarchist squat with
other asexual communists!
WILL
(To Tim) That’s the whole idea of asexuality.
AURELLE
(To nat) Well, but if you’re not interested in it
enough to even be curious about it, you’re probably
going to think it’s more trouble than it’s worth. It’s
not like trying some unusual food.
SAM
(To Dan) No, because most people wouldn’t say they
wouldn’t like heroin, but they would say they’d never
try it.
 8.

NAT
It’s not worth the effort, considering how much
bullshit is involved. I hate social games and I hate
being ingratiating.
ELLIOT
I think Nat overestimates the amount of bullshit
involved.
DANIEL
(To Elliot) I think you might be on to something there.
(To Sam) I think what I mean is, you don’t have to try
heroin to know you don’t want any part of it.
TIM
(To Dan) No. Any activity has potential good and bad
effects. The bad effects of sex can generally be
avoided quite easily, whereas the bad effects of heroin
are notoriously hard to avoid. Before trying something
you should assess the potential risk to benefit ratio.
DANIEL
That ties in neatly to what Elliot is saying, that Nat
perceives the bad effects of sex to be, uh, rather,
perhaps "Nat overestimates the amount of bullshit
involved."
NAT
And I suck at social games anyway, my social skills are
crap. It’s like playing a shitty Guitar Hero song on
Expert with broken fingers.
DANIEL
Social games are crap.
AURELLE
So let me ask you this then, Nat. if you were ever
curious about it, would you get a prostitute if it were
legal before you’d pursue a relationship?
NAT
Sex is like music, if you expect me to pay for it I
don’t want it.
AURELLE
Ok. Fair enough.
ELLIOT
(To Nat) Do you agree with Marx’s assertion that
marriage is a bourgeois institution then?
 9.

NAT
Marriage is a bourgeois institution, as is the nuclear
family.
TIM
I would totally recommend a prostitute to anyone who
wants to have sex but can’t be bothered with the
socializing that has to be done first (and afterwords).
Prostitutes are awesome. You want sex, you go to a
prostitute, no effort, no issues, you get what you
wanted for a reasonable price. I am, however,
referring to legal ones. The risks of illegal
prostitutes are somewhat greater.
NAT
Then you have to spend money instead of effort, and
money is effort. Besides, I don’t want to have sex
with someone who’s just getting paid to be a hole.
TIM
Nat, that’s not what she’s being paid for.
ELLIOT
I wouldn’t want to have sex without an emotional
aspect.
DANIEL
I’d argue you can’t. Heh. But don’t follow up on that.
AURELLE
So what if some girl offered it to you for free, just
because she wanted to have the experience?
NAT
Still effort involved in actually having sex. Also you
need a place to have sex and transportation there.
ELLIOT
Oh come on! That- That is about the amount of effort it
takes to get a sandwich
TIM
Consider a restaurant. Theoretically, you’re paying
money for food. But actually there’s more to it than
that. There’s the atmosphere, the service, the fact
that you don’t have to cook or clean for yourself.
Sure, your bill will only list a cost for the food, but
if you just wanted the food, you could get take-away.
You go to a restaurant because it offers more.
WILL
Say you are already both in a bedroom. The same
bedroom, at the same time, when they ask.
 10.

ELLIOT
And your clothes are already off so that’s taken care
of!
NAT
Also would need a condom, you know.
WILL
There’s a hilarious story behind that part too,
establishing report with her.
TIM
(To Elliot) Getting undressed is something you have to
do anyway, it’s probably acceptable.
NAT
And you have to please another person, I don’t really
compromise much.
TIM
You don’t if you go to a prostitute.
ELLIOT
What if someone loved you?
DANIEL
(To Nat, blocking out Elliot) "You have to please
another person!" "I don’t really compromise much!" What
a terrible sentiment!
NAT
I’m not having sex with someone if I don’t intend to
please them, so might as well not have sex and avoid
the issue.
WILL
Why do you have that idea about sex in your mind
already? That that is the way it should be, to be
desirable. Like, what caused you to come to it, for not
thinking of sex anyway?
TIM
What’s the point of being here? You have to leave the
house, hop on a bus, sign in, write your name on a
little sticker, and all so that you can interact with
other people. What a waste of effort.
NAT
A lot of things take effort, just have to consider if
they’re worth it.
 11.

WILL
Or is it on the spot justification?
TIM
How can you tell if an entirely subjective experience
will be worth the effort if you’ve never actually
experienced it yourself?
NAT
It’s more that I don’t really care, and I’m lazy.
DANIEL
The chance for the close connection that a gratifying
sexual encounter can allow is, most of humanity would
agree (by their behavior), worth the effort.
NAT
I use deduction given the information available, like
always.
ELLIOT
You didn’t answer my question about love, by the way.
NAT
Love, meh, let’s not get into that.
TIM
I can understand being lazy and not bothering with sex.
I myself feel that way. But in the scenario described
to you, all but the most basic effort is removed.
There’s no reason not to do it then.
ELLIOT
Nat, what they view as love.
NAT
Still have to please the other person, unless you’re
talking about just fucking the way you want to until
you’re satisfied and then leaving.
AURELLE
Heh, what’s so unusual about that?
NAT
Seems rather selfish and cynical?
TIM
I can’t be bothered going out and meeting people most
of the time. I prefer to be in my own house and have
people I already know come here. Or go to one of their
houses. But if someone were in my house who wanted to
have sex with me, and they weren’t someone who annoyed
me (or a total uggo or something), then why wouldn’t I
agree? What reason could I have?
 12.

ELLIOT
Don’t you have emotional connection to other people?
NAT
I have friends, if that’s what you mean.
TIM
Depends, Nat. What do you mean by friends? Are they
people you actually care about or just people you
associate with because they don’t annoy you?
ELLIOT
I mean, why wouldn’t you have sex /for/ someone if they
loved you?
AURELLE
All right, I’m really stretching the hypothetical
situation here, but let’s say that there’s someone that
you’ve been friends with for a long time, who’s dying
of like, cancer or something, and it’s her dying wish
that have sex with her, because she wants you to
experience it. What happens then?
NAT
You mean like I’m doing someone a favor? Eh, sure. I
can do things I don’t particularly care about as a
favor.
TIM
Man, that’s hot. (Elliot bursts out laughing.)
NAT
I’m not a huge fan of moving furniture, but hey if a
friend wants help then sure.
ELLIOT
So you have no problem dying without having sex?
NAT
I’m sure I’ll die not having done a whole lot of
things. Sex would just be one on the list.
TIM
I’m going to demand that the next person I have sex
with act like they’re doing me a favor at great
inconvenience to themselves. And compare it to moving
furniture!
WILL
Tim, I approve of this course of action. Do you have
any interest in switching roles? Doing it both ways, I
mean.
 13.

TIM
I guess. It better not take too long though, Will. I
have things to do. Also, I would rather be moving
furniture.
WILL
I know it’s a hassle, I’m so glad you’re helping out. I
don’t tell you how good a friend you are often enough.
But I really do appreciate it. You.
TIM
You better buy me a sixpack or something for this.
NAT
What was that? Sounded like a complete derailment!
WILL
Or something. It’s not like I don’t do anything for
you.
TIM
Right. Let’s just get this over with. I have places to
be. Important things to do. My life doesn’t revolve
around you, you know. (Aurelle covers her eyes.)
NAT
I think you’re beating a quite dead horse at this
point.
WILL
Maybe I was using the wrong word before. I thought
that’s what friends did, they did things *for* each
other. Am I really asking too much?
TIM
Hey, I agreed to do it didn’t I? Maybe I shouldn’t have
if you’re going to be so needy.
WILL
I think we can... finish soon. Come on, hurry, then.
TIM
Fine, is this good enough?
WILL
Yes, thank you, thank you... thank you, thank you,
thank you...
NAT
You people are insane in the membrane.
 14.

TIM
Well anyway, now I actually do have things to do, so
bye! (He exits.)
WILL
Bye! But Nat, what-cha mean?
NAT
I don’t get how you can keep that up this long. It’s
nuts!
WILL
I like the idea of role play, even if I don’t have a
particular interest in sex. Then again, it was only a
few lines, and it’s not much different from the
conversational games people play a lot of around here.
ELLIOT
(Returning) So this guy at another table is explaining
how Gandhi hated Jews and supported the Nazis.
WILL
Didn’t help the Nazis, did it?
NAT
"I do not want to see the allies defeated. But I do not
consider Hitler to be as bad as he is depicted. He is
showing an ability that is amazing and seems to be
gaining his victories without much bloodshed." Did he
quote that one yet?
ELLIOT
No, just said that he was an anti-Semite and hoped the
Nazis would rape the shit out of England.
Scene.