ETHNNOGRAPHY PAPER

Diary submissions of young girl in a polyandrous society

NOVEMBER 12, 2013

ABIGAIL ROGNE abrogne@ualr.edu

September 4th, 1979

Dear diary, Hello new friend! Today is my fifteenth birthday. My mother gave you to me as a gift. I am so happy to have someone to share secrets with, after my sister got married and moved out Ive had no one to talk to. It sure will be nice to fill you with my thoughts while I have you. Maybe Ill pass you down to my first daughter when she is fifteen. Speaking of having children, I am fifteen now. My father and uncles are anxious for me to be wed. I should be thinking more about which family I want to marry into. There are several candidates whom I could consider, who seem like ideal choices, but Im afraid. You see, I know I am of marrying age, and I should be ready for all that comes with being married, but I still feel very young. I dont have younger siblings, I never had to take care of another living thing by myself, and Im afraid to have children at my young state of mind. But I know that when I marry I will soon be with child. Also depending on which family decides to marry with me, I will take on younger brothers whom I will have to raise until they are mature. I am afraid, dear friend, that I will

not be able to handle everything that I will be going into along with marriage. I dont know how to keep one husband happy. Let alone three or more. Especially if I am expected to raise some as children then have them grow up to be a husband to me. I have always thought of this concept to be a strange one. Especially being so young. Sometimes I wonder what else could be out there, what other opportunities I could have waiting for me if I only had the courage to stand up and say no to getting married. But I couldnt. Mother is calling for my assistance in the kitchen, until tomorrow new friend! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------September 5th, 1979

Dear diary, Hello again! Yesterday was a good birthday. We had a small get together and mother cooked my favorite food,------------. It was delicious! Everything was going well until my UNCLE brought up marriage. Deena, when are you going to marry was about all he could say. I

pretended didnt hear him most of the time but he grew more and more persistent as time passed. Eventually I addressed him. Im not sure Im ready uncle. I said to him, very quietly as I was terrified of the response id soon surely receive. He yelled, NONSENSE, any daughter of mine has surely been brought to be ready for anything. Dont think you cant do something just because youve never tried it before! My mother looked worried with all the yelling, while Uncle Jitendra continued ranting. Father spoke suddenly. I have a suitor in mind for you, child. My father chose my husband for me already. This is how things usually go here. It really takes a lot of the pressure off of me, but at the same time I know Im hard to get along with for some people and I want to marry a person who will understand me and not just boss me around all day. Someone who will stand up for me if his brothers are too rough or demanding. Spend some time with Bhavin, get to know him. You will make a beautiful family.

I could not believe my ears. You see, secretly, Bhavin is my oldest friend. As young children, we would often meet by the river and play games together. As we grew older those habits died, along with our friendship. I was very nervous about what would come of this new relationship I would soon form with this person who I used to hold so dear to my heart. I spoke with mother after dinner. I asked her why I had to be married, why I couldnt just stay and take care of the home with her. Sometimes we have to do things that we do not understand. One day, youll appreciate your home and husbands and you will wish that you were more accepting of it earlier. Father has arranged a date with Bhavin tomorrow. Im worried about it. I didnt think this would all happen so soon, I hope mother is right. Ive got to rest for tomorrow, goodnight! _____________________________________________________________________________ September 6th, 1979 Today is the day I spend time with my soon-to-be husband. I wonder if he is as nervous as I am. We will soon see!

A part of me hopes that he is as scared of marriage as I am. Maybe he can convince our parents to let us wait a bit longer. They might even listen to him, he is a boy after all, and older than me. Im off to re-meet ---, wish me luck! Oh diary, today went better than I could have dreamed. Bhavin and I picked right back up where we left off years ago! I couldnt ask for a better partner to marry. We went to the river and we talked like we used to when we were just kids. He told me how he dreams of sailing around the world, and that he still thought of me often. I told him how I felt I was too young to marry and he agreed. He feels the same! In all my life, I have never met someone who wanted the same things as I do, except for Bhavin. He is still as fun and imaginative and adventurous as ever. But friend, I am still concerned. What does my future hold for me? Tomorrow I am expected at dinner with Bhavins family. There I will get to know the whole family, including his two brothers. They are younger, but much taller than Bhavin as they were born of different fathers, typical of most families here. Mostly when I see them they are silent. Their father is known to be a quiet man as well, until he raises his

temper. Mother once saw him hit his wife in front of many people. I dont want to be treated that way by his sons. I want a marriage full of joy. If I must be married, I would rather it be just to one man. Just to Bhavin. But that is not the way of the people. My mothers brother left our community several years ago to become a part of the rest of the world. I only remember one visit he paid. He told me of marvelous buildings and extravagant people. He spoke of the world in such a magical way. My grandparents asked him never to return as he was poisoning the minds of the children. Diary, I want a magical life like my uncle. I want to see tall buildings and people wearing rich colors. I want to sail the oceans with only Bhavin and not worry about any other husbands or rituals. The next time I am alone with him, I will consider bringing this up. I am almost sure he will agree with me. Until tomorrow, friend.

September 7th, 1979 Things went very interestingly tonight.

Firstly, I was right about the brothers. The way they smugly speak with authority that they do not possess sickens me deeply. They are offensive and overpower any conversation that is taking place. Maybe I am biased or maybe they can sense that I do not want to be married to them, but either way, getting to know them better further confirmed that I do not want to be a part of a plural marriage, no matter how secure my future family would have been. Sure it works for the families to split up labor between several men, but for me it is not worth the emotional sacrifice. I would be giving up the chance to live the life Ive dreamed of and I am not willing to let that happen. Bhavin offered to walk me home, and along the way, I told him everything I had been thinking. I told him how I felt about his brothers to begin with, and he agreed that they had never been close to him. They spent much of their time hunting while he was more of the artisan. He enjoyed helping his mother inside while the others did the hunting and gathering of food. They didnt have any sisters, so his mother welcomed the help.

When I brought up all the things my uncle told me about as a child, his eyes grew wide with excitement. Before he even said anything, I knew he wanted to leave the village. I have never wanted this life, you know that. And I would do anything I could to live the life I want without hurting my family As he said this to me, I could feel my heart sink. I love my family, diary. How can I be so selfish as to leave them behind, just because I want to live somewhere else? Is it really worth it? I asked Bhavin how he felt about that. If it makes us happy, then it is worth it. Diary, Bhavin and I are planning to leave this place, our beautiful Niyma, and join a new world. We are going to find my uncle, who will surely take us in, and we are going to live the lives of our dreams. I, at this moment, could not be happier. Tomorrow, we tell our families. Im sure the reaction we receive will be a negative one, I must prepare for anything. Wish me luck.

September 18th, 1979

Dear friend, I am sorry it has taken me such a long time to write. The past eleven days have been quite eventful. Let me start however by saying that Bhavin and I are now on a train to Kanpur, where my uncle lives. The train is a scary place, in that it is new and I have never been on anything like it. Uncle Jinpa will pick us up at the station and take us to his home. In the last few years he has become a doctor, gotten married, and now has a young daughter. I am anxious to meet her. When I told my family that I would be leaving, my father was silent. My mother wept gently, she did not sob or grow hysterical; she simply wept. My uncle yelled. He yelled and yelled about how he would never let me disgrace his family this way. He yelled for an entire day, all of us sitting in the same spot at the table for an entire day listening to him yell grew bothersome to my father and mother. Father finally spoke to end uncles rant.

Deena, if you must go, then go. You must know that you are welcome back, but no longer as family. We care for you, and hope you the best in life, but know what you are sacrificing if you go. I looked at my father and said to him, I know what Ill be losing if I go, but I also know what would be lost if I stayed. With tears in everyones eyes, we all knew what I had decided to do. I spent the rest of my time with my family preparing to leave, and making the best of my last few days I would have with them. At times I worried I would regret my decision, but only because I would miss my parents. Bhavin did not tell me in full detail what happened when he told his family. The night that he told them though, was the night that he came to my familys house. He showed up late, with bruises on his face. He told me that he told his family he would be leaving to fulfill his dreams, and then that he needed a place to stay until we left. My family took him in secretly, as this is not customary in our community. He helped my mother and I with household work and those two got along quite well.

It is a shame you are leaving. My mother would often say to us. Im sure that secretly she wanted us to get married and stay, but she never said anything more about it. We left this morning, my family dropped us off at the station. As we were about to board the train, my uncle took my hand. You may be doing something that I will not condone, but know that I love you. Keep safe and smile, for that is what you are leaving us for is it not? he smiled and hugged me. I said my goodbyes to my family and climbed onto the train. Words cannot express my feelings. I will forever miss my family, but if I had stayed, I would forever miss out on life. And experiencing life is the reason for living, I believe. I am excited to start my new life, dear diary.

Works cited and Conclusion page Websites used:

http://www.kadampa-center.org/some-common-tibetan-names-and-their-meanings

http://www.case.edu/affil/tibet/tibetanSociety/marriage.htm
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/17/world/asia/17polyandry.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

I used the above websites to get exact ages and names and specific examples of people in a polyandrous society. I read multiple stories and chose to create new characters who were rebellious of this lifestyle, mostly because the interviews I read were all in favor of the plural marriage. I did collect information in order to know what would happen to these characters had they been real and actually left their community. I chose a polyandrous society because I found it more interesting than polygyny and I wanted to do a plural marriage situation. I chose to relay information through a young females eyes because it was easier for me to take on her situation and be in the shoes of someone who did not want to live the life she was given. I could kind of relate to her because I was born into a Mormon family, and while Mormons are not polygamous in the slightest bit, I didnt want to be a part of the church, but was afraid for a long time of what leaving would have meant.