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SEPTEMBER 7, 2007 www.AmericaWeakly.com

WHAT A PARTY!
Dems In,
Taxes Up,
Patriot
Act Out
Cover Story
GETTY IMAGES

Page 2

SPECIAL SECTION: Vote for your favorite Democrat Leader

Page 5

Plus: Hooray for Hollywood! Page 8

New Dem Plan to Protect America Page 9
FOLIO/BRACK

America Weakly is a satirical publication containing fictional news stories of a fictitious future.
Unless otherwise specified, the content of this publication should not be viewed as a depiction of actual events.
2 www.AmericaWeakly.com September 7, 2007

DEAN

Democrats: RESURGENT
Wizard of 2006
Victory Aims for
Bigger Things

In Charge and
Ames, Iowa—DNC Chairman Howard
Dean addressed a roaring crowd of stu-
dents and locals here today just as new
polls show him to be a legitimate threat
to Senator Hillary Clinton for the 2008
Democrat nomination.
“They wrote us off after 2000!”

Charged Up
Dean shouted to the cheering crowd.
“They wrote us off after 2002! They
wrote us off after 2004! And some
people—like a certain party commit-
tee chairman from Illinois—tried to
write us off in 2006! But in the end,
we showed them who was right all
along!”
Dean, who ran for President in
2004 without winning a single pri-

Back From Break, Dem Majority Ready to Roll mary, was not considered a serious
2008 candidate a year ago. But after
getting credit for the shocking
Washington—It has been eight months since Nancy Pelosi was sworn in as offices in Washington empty, and Democrats admit that it’s not an ideal situa- Democrat House and Senate victories
Speaker of the House and Harry Reid took the gavel as Senate Majority Leader. tion. But, they say, it’s better than the alternative. in November, his stock among
Now, as Congress returns from its annual August recess, politicians and talking “Behind closed doors, maybe a few members of the caucus admit that Democrats skyrocketed.
heads alike are looking back in amazement at how life in Washington has changed they’re uncomfortable with such major vacancies at the Supreme Court and the “This is the man who put Nancy
since the Democrats took over. UN,” one leadership aide, who agreed to speak only on background, said. “But Pelosi and Harry Reid in power,”
But it is not just Washington that has changed. The reverberations from last as a whole, the caucus understands that this is about showing the President political analyst Charlize Bake said.
November’s stunning Democrat victory are being felt across the country, and exactly who’s in charge now. The President needs to understand that if we don’t “Every single House and Senate
around the world. have a role in choosing appointees, or if we don’t like them, they won’t be con- Democrat enjoying their time in the
For this special Cover Story, America Weakly traveled thousands of miles, firmed. There’s a new sheriff in town.” majority are there due to Howard
conducted dozens of interviews, and sought out professional politicians and On other issues, however, the new Congress has run into the limitations that Dean. What’s more, he did it by being
regular Americans alike, all to answer a misleadingly simple-sounding ques- come with only controlling one branch of government. the anti-Hillary. She tries to look
tion: how have the Democrats done? “We know that this is just the first step,” Pelosi said. “There are things we moderate. Dean doesn’t bother.”
Six years ago, President Bush entered office promising to be a uniter, not a have the power to do, like refusing to reauthorize the PATRIOT Act or defund- Indeed, Dean, who is famous for
divider. The Democrats claimed he was lying, and to their credit, they made no ing the NSA unless it stops its domestic spying. But to make this revolution speaking his mind, has done so even
such promises themselves. Reducing the partisan rancor in Washington was complete, we need to win back the White House in 2008.” more frequently as his popularity and
simply never part of their agenda. She listed examples of bills passed under the new Democrat majorities but presidential prospects have risen.
“We’re not here to make friends,” Speaker Pelosi said shortly after the 2006 vetoed or under veto threats by the President, including repeals of the 2001 and “When I said ‘I hate Republicans
election. “We’re here to put the brakes on the President, and we’ll use every 2003 tax cuts (see related story on page 3) and of class action and bankruptcy and everything they stand for,’ I was
means necessary to do it.” legislation passed in 2005. raked over the coals,” Dean said at
That was certainly a promise kept. Since taking control, Democrats have “We’re learning the limitations of just holding Congress,” she explained. the rally in Iowa. “Now, there’s noth-
deep-sixed virtually every proposal that ever came near the White House. “For example, we stopped the energy proposals, but we couldn’t get a veto- ing they can do, because they’re
“It’s been amazing,” political analyst Phillip Kass said. “If it even had a proof majority to pass a BTU tax or a gas tax that would only cost families $900 where they belong—powerless in the
whiff of White House approval, it didn’t come to the floor.” a year. So on energy, we’re just going to end up doing nothing. Of course, that’s minority!”
Indeed, some of the President’s long-term pet projects are now dying quiet far better than letting the President’s disastrous plans come to a vote.” Not everyone is pleased with
deaths thanks to Democratic control of the government’s purse strings. (Continued on page 7) Dean’s performance.
A year ago, after North Korea successfully tested a missile with the ability “He got lucky,” one prominent
GETTY IMAGES

to reach the continental United States, the President ordered the activation of Democrat party member said confi-
the nation’s first-ever missile defense system. Today, that system sits deactivat- dentially from his home in Chappaqua.
ed and being dismantled, one of the first programs to fall to the Democratic axe. “The Republicans were divided, and
“Madeleine Albright showed you can deal with the North Koreans,” Senate when their base didn’t show up, a
Foreign Relations Committee Chairman Joe Biden said. “Remember her visit Democrat victory was inevitable.”
with Kim Jong Il in 2000, when she gave him a basketball signed by Michael The New York Times, in an editorial
Jordan? That shows the kind of open dialogue between responsible leaders we entitled “Does He Have What It
need, not expensive technology to stop their missiles.” Takes,” suggested that “Dean is pas-
Some of the programs closest to Bush’s heart are the ones the Democrats sionate, yes, but is he in it for
went after with the most energy. Democrats or for himself? John
“We needed to show who’s in charge now,” explained House Ways and Murtha is working to get us out of
Means Committee Chairman Charlie Rangel. “That’s why I put an end to fund- Iraq. Pat Leahy is keeping the
ing for the faith-based program. I sent a message to the President: there’s a new President from appointing another
Congress in town.” right-wing extremist to the Supreme
It’s not just about legislation. Confirmations for Presidential appointments Court. What has Dean done for us
have ground to a halt. Everyone knows about the 4–4 Supreme Court (see related lately, other than give speeches in pri-
story on page 3), but Democrats have put the kibosh on lower court nominees mary states?”
as well, not to mention administration appointees. The UN ambassadorship The Ames crowd, however,
as well remains vacant after former Ambassador John Bolton’s recess appoint- responded enthusiastically to Dean’s
ment expired in January 2007. fiery speech.
Some government analysts have expressed concern about leaving so many Reid and Pelosi: In charge on Capitol Hill “He showed us he’s the one who

America Weakly is a satirical publication containing fictional news stories of a fictitious future.
Unless otherwise specified, the content of this publication should not be viewed as a depiction of actual events.
 www.AmericaWeakly.com 3

GES
GETTY IMA
Just Say
HISTORY!
Gleelful paricipants at the Dean rally

can do it,” an Iowa State student

who attended the rally said. “He’s
been on the front lines. He fought the
Republicans and won. And two years
from now, when he’s President and
we’re out of Iraq, the American people
will wonder why they didn’t vote for
him back in 2004.”
Dean seemed to bask in the glow,
but in the grand tradition of non-
announced candidates, he was coy
when asked about his presidential
No!
Dems Celebrate End of Bush Security Measures
Washington—Beginning what is expected to be a weeklong public rela-
tions blitz, House Majority Leader John Murtha yesterday released a
comprehensive document detailing Democrat successes in the foreign
policy arena since taking over the majority in January.
Impeachment
Hearings Begin
Washington—Two years ago, Rep. John Conyers (D-MI) held a mock impeach-
ment hearing. It was in the basement of the Capitol. Only Democrats were
present. The news media, aside from a few progressive bloggers and the Capitol
Hill newspapers, barely noticed.
What a difference an election makes.
Yesterday, the cameras were whirring, the lights were glaring, and the eyes
of the nation were on Chairman Conyers as—at precisely 9:00 a.m.—he
gaveled into session the first formal House Judiciary Committee hearing into
impeachment proceedings for President George W. Bush.
ambitions. “The only reason I ran for Majority Leader was to end our destructive Chairman Conyers started the proceedings by calling them “long overdue”
“Our job as Democrats is to undo interference in the and pledging to hold President Bush accountable for “wrongdoing unlike any
GETTY IMAGES

all of the bad that George W. Bush
has done,” he said. “Whether I’m the
best person for that job or not is up to
the Democratic primary voters. But
one thing I know for sure: Democrats
are on their way back, and soon the
Bush tax cuts, the Bush war on terror,
the Bush Supreme Court—soon we’ll
be working hard to make sure all of
those are no more than a passing
memory.”
Vote for your favorite Democrat at
www.AmericaWeakly.com/Vote
world, and our mis- we have seen in the history of our nation.”
guided actions in the Rep. James Sensenbrenner (R-WI), the ranking member on the Judiciary
War on Terror,” Murtha Committee, called the hearings “nothing more than a show.”
said. “And I am proud Democrats, however, disagreed, as did legal experts.
to say that, after only Former Attorney General Ramsey Clark, who is scheduled to testify before
eight months, we have the committee later this week, praised Conyers and the Democrat leadership for
accomplished more having the bravery to move forward with hearings.
than I could ever “The actions of this Administration are abominable,” Clark said. “This
have hoped for.” President has made a mockery of democracy.”
Because they are Attorney John Bonifaz, author of Warrior-King: The Case for Impeaching
Rep. John Murtha still subject to Presi- George W. Bush and co-founder of AfterDowningStreet.org, accused President
dent Bush’s veto pen, the Democrat majorities have made their biggest Bush of purposely deceiving the American public to start a war in Iraq.
mark in foreign policy with funding decisions. “Among his many offenses, this President lied to the American people to go
For example, the Democrats zeroed out any money for the Presi- to war. If this is not an impeachable offense I don’t know what is,” Bonifaz said.
dent’s missile defense program. (Continued on page 8)
“The ability to shoot down missiles launched from South Korea is
clearly provocative,” House International Relations Committee

PROMISE Chairman Tom Lantos said. “If developing a system to shoot down
those missiles is provoking them, then we shouldn’t do so. Diplomacy
is the answer.”
The once-feared NSA Surveillance Program has been disbanded
All Tied Up: Supremes Still Stuck at 4-4
Washington—After the Supreme Court announced that it had deadlocked

KEPT!
Tax Cut Repeal Passes House
Washington—Fresh back from their
August recess, Democrat majorities on
Capitol Hill yesterday followed
as well, after its funding was cut to zero.
“This program was a clear violation of due process,” House
Judiciary Committee Chairman John Conyers said. “I don’t care how
many attacks it might have stopped. Even if there really are sleeper
cells in this country, we have a careful and deliberate process to stop
them. Yes, it might take a bit longer, and we might not get every sin-
gle bit of information, but that’s a small price to pay.”
The President’s veto is also ineffective against matters in which the
Congress has the prerogative, like reauthorizing the PATRIOT Act.
“It’ll never even come up,” one House leadership source said. “The
Patriot Act is dead.”
There are other symbolic victories that Murtha pointed to.
For example, Harry Reid followed up on his 2006 comments that
on yet another major case on Monday, Washington insiders were won-
dering this week just how long it would be before President Bush acced-
ed to Senate demands for a cooperative process to replace retired Justice
John Paul Stevens.
“We have made it clear to the President what we expect,” Senate
Judiciary Committee Chairman Pat Leahy said. “We will not simply sit
in the background and vote yes or no on his nominee. We expect to be
part of the entire process. In the spirit of bipartisanship, I have for-
warded to the White House a half dozen names that would be accept-
able to the Democrat majority. But the President stubbornly insists on
going his own way.” (Continued on page 7)
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through on one of their major election
year promises: passing legislation to
roll back President Bush’s tax cuts.
The final tax hike, which the
White House says amounts to $2.4
trillion and will raise taxes on every
American taxpayer, was passed on
party line votes in both chambers.
“We need this money to pay for all
sorts of vital national interests,” said
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid at
a press conference immediately after
the Senate passed the bill. “We in
Washington have a responsibility to
take care of the American people, and
after six years, we are finally making
sure that we have the resources to live
up to that responsibility.”
(Continued on page 8)
force was not an option in Iran by introducing a Sense of the Senate
measure that the United States would not take any offensive military
action against the Iranian government.
“That kind of thing makes a difference,” foreign policy expert Matt
McKay said. “It doesn’t have the force of law, but it sends a message
around the world about our intentions, and what we will and won’t do.”
In addition, House leaders have promised hearings on a wide array
of issues, including scaling back interrogation techniques used against
accused terrorists.
“These harsh methods to force them to talk is not what we should
be about,” one Democrat staff source said. “Whatever happened to
good old-fashioned interrogation methods that we’ve used for years
against common criminals, like good cop/bad cop?”
Republicans have protested that the Democrat policies are endan-
gering American security, but Murtha dismissed the complaints.
“Elections have consequences,” the Majority Leader said.
The Supreme Court is still a Supreme short

America Weakly is a satirical publication containing fictional news stories of a fictitious future.
Unless otherwise specified, the content of this publication should not be viewed as a depiction of actual events.
September 7, 2007
ECIAL SECTIO www. AmericaWeakly.com
SP

N
S
✭ ✭ ✭

It’s been eight months since Vote for your favorite

Democrats took control of
Dem leader at
Congress. Now it’s your chance
to tell us what you think of their www.AmericaWeakly.com
tenure. Who’s done the most to FOR YOUR Vote by September 24, 2007
make sure Americans are paying and the winning Democrat
their fair share in taxes? Who’s
working the hardest to pull out
of Iraq? Who’s doing everything
FAVORITE Leader will be presented with
a Special Commemorative
he or she can to block the
President’s agenda? DEM LEADER! Plaque to proudly display in
their office.

FOLIO/HARRITY

FOLIO/BRACK
The Man Who Restore

GETTY IMAGES
Should Be the Roar
President DNC Chairman
Howard Dean
Senate Small Business
Committee Chairman “I hate the Republicans and every-
thing they stand for …”
John Kerry — January 29, 2005
“I actually did vote for the $87 “[I]t’s time to have somebody in
billion before I voted against it.” the White House who can chew
—March 16, 2004 gum and think at the same
time.”— October 23, 2005

Kerry Clinton Dean

GETTY IMAGES

AP/WIDEWORLD
Leader in From the Reid Reigns
Withdrawal White House Senate Majority Leader
Harry Reid
House Majority Leader
John Murtha
to the “We killed the PATRIOT Act.”

"Our troops have become the White House — December 17, 2005
“President Bush will get
enemy.”— November 18, 2005 Senator
nothing done that he wants…
“We can go to Okinawa…When I say Hillary Rodham Clinton I think this guy is a loser.”
a timely response, you know, our “We’re going to take things away — May 7, 2005
fighters can fly from Okinawa very from you on behalf of the common
quickly.”—June 18, 2006 good.”— June 28, 2004
“[The House Of Representatives]
has been run like a plantation, and
you know what I’m talking about.”
Murtha — January 16, 2006 Reid
AP/WIDEWORLD

GETTY IMAGES

AP/WIDEWORLD
Investigation Impeachment
Central Czar
House Government Reform House Judiciary
Committee Chairman Committee Chairman
Henry Waxman John Conyers
In 2006, called for investigations of Introduced Resolution calling for
the Bush Administration relating to impeachment of President Bush
15 issues, from terrorist detainees in 2005.
and Hurricane Katrina to federal Filed Amicus Briefs in two federal
tobacco policy and then-retired courts in May 2006 to stop
Attorney General John Ashcroft. the NSA’s Terrorist Surveillance
Program.

Waxman Levin Conyers

Liberal Lion
FOLIO/BRACK

FOLIO/BRACK

San Francisco Levin’ Iraq

Speaker Senate Armed Services
Committee Chairman
Senate Health, Education, Labor
and Pensions (HELP) Committee
Speaker of the House Carl Levin Chairman
Nancy Pelosi “[T]here is no chance of them Ted Kennedy
“And I pride myself in being called solving the insurgency problem. Ranked by the nonpartisan
a ‘liberal,’ so I’m not dodging That’s our military people telling National Journal as the most liber-
that word.”— November 17, 2002 us that.”— December 26, 2006 al Senator in 2005.
“I don’t really consider ourselves “[T]he Administration needs to “America’s goal [in Iraq] should
at war.”— May 6, 2002 adopt as its goal the phased be to complete our military with-
withdrawal in 2006.” drawal as early as possible in
— November 15, 2005 2006.”— January 27, 2005
AP/WIDEWORLD

Pelosi Kennedy

Leahy
Standing Pat
Judiciary Chairman
Pat Leahy
Voted to filibuster Justice Sam Alito.
Blocked 10 appellate court judicial
nominees in between 2003 and
2005 with a total of 22 filibusters.

America Weakly is a satirical publication containing fictional news stories of a fictitious future. However, the dated quotes and votes cited on this page are true and accurate.
Paid for by the Republican National Committee, 310 First St S.E. Washington, D.C. 20003 Not authorized by any candidate or candidate committee.
6 www.AmericaWeakly.com September 7, 2007

OPINION AND COMMENTARY

Yesterday’s Gone
The early 1960s standard “What a Difference a Day Makes” comes to mind when taking stock of what the
Democrats have accomplished during the first eight months of 2007. A lover’s confession, the song speaks of
stormy skies and blue moods but then goes on to proclaim, “What a difference a day makes, twenty four little
hours…and the difference is you.” Here in Washington, as lawmakers come back from their Summer recess, we
salute the Democrat-led Congress for the work they’ve done and the difference they’re making every day on
behalf of real Americans.
Last summer, no one was sure that the Democrats had what it takes to overcome the Republicans and take
control of Congress. Yet, here we are observing their handiwork: Stopping the President from installing another
right-wing conservative to replace John Paul Stevens on the Supreme Court; debunking the notion that tax cuts
are good and spreading the idea that less in your pocket can mean more in your heart; getting government over-
sight back into the doctor-patient relationship; mending fences with the United Nations; expanding firearms
restrictions; getting closer to pulling the plug on Iraq; and finally seeing impeachment proceedings against
President Bush begin in the House Judiciary Committee.
It goes without saying that there are still significant legislative and political obstacles ahead, given the Democrats’
slim majorities in the House and Senate and the fact that a Republican still occupies the White House. We cannot
yet overcome a Bush veto, and that has slowed some of our progress. But there’s a real sense that things are
changing for everyday American families. There’s a tangible optimism out there that’s been largely lacking for
the better part of 12 years. If you go out beyond the Beltway and talk to typical people in places like Berkeley,
Santa Fe, Burlington and Northampton, there’s a feeling that America is coming back. There’s a feeling that
America is starting to heal and this in itself is as important as the progress we’ve seen in Washington over the
past eight months.
Guest Opinion
We’re Back! A Trial Lawyer Speaks Out
by Samuel L. Billings III, esq.
Aside from an aggressively conservative Supreme Court and a stampede of
Bush-appointed right-wing judges in our federal judiciary, things are looking up
for the American judicial system. The legislative assaults on Lady Justice have
temporarily subsided and our beloved tort system can rest a little easier. Yes, my
friends, Democrats have taken back the Congress and your friendly neighbor-
hood trial lawyers are back in business.
The Republican rule in Congress was defined by their unremitting attacks on
victims of wrongdoing. When a thoughtless restaurant packs their food full of
delicious, fatty, unhealthy additives and then has the audacity to fry it—
Republicans told the consumer of the food that it was their own gluttonous fault
for gaining weight. When a women sues a railroad after getting hit by a train
while walking on the tracks, or a student sues to end summer homework, the
Republicans tried to blame the victims. The Republicans liked to call it ‘personal
responsibility,’ but we knew better. Is it your own fault that manufacturers are
adding trans-fats to chocolate sandwich cookies? Is it fair that your boy didn’t
make the varsity football team? Is it right that, after years in the same job, you
get passed over for promotion time and time again? Republicans might say that
these problems don’t belong in the courts. But now that the Democrats are back
in power, America’s trial lawyers will once again be able to seek justice for all of
these victims.
“[Y]our friendly Is it greed to want to help these people?
I’ve won settlements for huge groups. I’ve

Of course there are some on the left who feel that Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi aren’t fighting hard enough for
neighborhood trial won malpractice suits so big that whole
medical clinics have been put out of busi-
real Democrat principles, and at times we’ve shared this frustration. Eric Smith, the Executive Director of the lawyers are ness. I’ve won car accident torts that led to
Campaign for Renewed and United Democrats, captured this sentiment recently right here in the Weakly when he whole towns having to put up new traffic
remarked, “We’ve made progress, but are we really being truly progressive? There needs to be a progressive par- back in business.” lights and widen their streets. I’ve won
adigm shift where real questions are asked. How much should taxes be increased? How can we best spend those workplace injury decisions that forced
taxpayer dollars? Why do the insurgents and freedom fighters of the Middle East dislike America so much, and is entire factories to redesign their floors. The Republicans say that this raises taxes
our presence in the Middle East an impediment to peace and global progress?” Our counsel to Eric and others and puts people out of work. But each one of those wins was like realizing you
who share his sentiment is not to fret. We’ll get there. For the moment, just sit back and take heart that the USS had the winning multi-million dollar lottery ticket—and doesn’t that make it
America is back on course. worth it?

In one important way, progressive grassroots activists and Democrat leaders are on the same page: they know that
this ship won’t truly arrive in port until a Democrat once again resides at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Which
leads us to ponder a different song as we peer ahead to a cold January night a little less than a year and a half in
the future. In the first second that you hear the opening guitar and piano chords, you’ll recognize this one. It’s a
song about redemption and the future. In a nutshell, don’t stop thinking about tomorrow. Yesterday’s gone, yes-
terday’s gone.
The Democrat majorities know that attorney fees and frequent case dismissals
are red herring arguments when the real issue is the huge settlements that we
know how to secure. Today’s Democrat leaders are champions for our cause and
they are putting big business, doctors and other negligent parties on notice: the
free ride is over, and it’s time to pay up!
Speaking of which, if you have ever experienced a workplace injury or suspect
you have been the victim of medical malpractice, call me at 555-863-8000.

To the editor:
I would like to publicly congratulate
Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and all of
the other Democrat leaders for the
great job they have done in the eight
months since taking over the House
and Senate.
Thanks to a great and patriotic
American named Jim Jeffords, I
served as Senate Majority leader for a
year and a half, and I learned during
that time how important it is for
Democrats to be in the majority if we
want to really have the power to turn
back the President’s agenda.
Now we have that power, and I
am glad to see that we are using it,
in issues as far ranging as making
more Americans pay their share
of taxes to turning the lights out
on the President’s illegal war in
Iraq.
In fact, it looks like so much fun that
I might try to get back into politics!
Congratulations again to the
Democrat majority, and here’s to the
next year and a half of acting as a
brake on the Republican Party.
Sincerely,
Tom Daschle
Former United States Senator
To the editor:
America Weakly is leading the charge!
So much of the write-wing press
has tried to poison the well for our
new Democrat Majority. Fox News,
Rush Limbaugh, The Washington
Post—all they can talk about taxes
going up on the rich, and lossing
Letters
momentum in the so-called ‘War
on Terror.’
But some of us no better. People
like Alec Baldwin, Michael Moore,
the Dixie Chicks—these are people
who had the braveness to speak up, to
tell the truth about this corrupt
Republican Party and the wrst
President in history. It’s like when the
brave men and women of the left
stood up during the Charlie
McCarthy scare back in the 1930s.
We have a great alley in America
Weakly, and with your help, we will
march forward. Last November’s
Democrat victoriousness was only
the first step. Next year: the White
House!
Sincerely,
Barbra Streisand
To the editor:
Though we are happy to see the
Democrats’ ascension, we—like so
many who voted for the new majority
last November—are disappointed
with their apparent timidity on so
many issues.
For example, yes, impeachment
proceedings for the President are
moving forward. But what about
Cheney and Rumsfeld, and the rest of
the cabinet? No member of this crim-
inal enterprise should go unpunished.
And yes, defunding the NSA was
an important first step, but what about
disbanding the Department of
Homeland Security and the CIA once
and for all? The injustices visited
upon so many demand it.
We didn’t vote for Democrats
because of their weak-willed policy
agenda. We voted for them because
we were angry at the Republicans,
and the Democrats were the only
ones who could stop them. And the
Democrats had better remember—it’s
because of people like us that they’re
in power. If they don’t keep us happy,
they may very well find themselves
back on the losing side.
Sincerely,
The Hampshire College Faculty
Association
Submit letters to the editor and op-eds
to America Weakly, 310 First St. SE,
Washington, DC 20003, or via our
web site at www.AmericaWeakly.com,
or call us at 800-714-6788

America Weakly is a satirical publication containing fictional news stories of a fictitious future.
Unless otherwise specified, the content of this publication should not be viewed as a depiction of actual events.
September 7, 2007 www.AmericaWeakly.com 7

DIVERSIONS
Weakly Jumble!
1 DNC doc and author of the 50 state strategy
The Jumble Answer: Horoscope
What are we celebrating in this issue of Aries Your wallet will get lighter and lighter, as more and more
America Weakly? Republican tax cuts expire.
2 “Bye” to John Kerry
Leo Your conversations with terrorists will be free and clear of
any government wiretapping.
3 First order of business to get back at W Sagittarius Summer cold season is approaching, but don’t worry!
The government will soon be taking charge of your health care.
4 Multinational force set to command our troops Taurus Your summers will get warmer and warmer as your once
landlocked lot will become oceanfront property. Just ask Al Gore.
Virgo Beware of experiencing too much prosperity and wealth;
5 We’d rather depend on other nations for it than drill for it at home it may result in more burden and commitment to Uncle Sam.
Answers Capricorn The road ahead of you is clear; unless you’re driving,
6 Harry Reid’s preferred boxing match seat location in which case you’ll face higher gas prices and taxes.
Jumble Answer: Dems in Charge Gemini A new job or promotion is in your future. If you’re a judge
12 War On Terror appointed by President Bush, however, it might take a while.
7 Speaker from San Fran
11 Big Government Libra Your favorite television show will be routinely interrupted
10 Iraq this month by updates on the Democrats' impeachment hearings
8 They’re being made to pay their fair share in taxes of President Bush.
9 Patriot Act
8 The Rich Aquarius Feeling Ill? No worries, the government bureaucrats
9 Reid gloated we “killed” it will make all of your difficult medical decisions for you!
7 Nancy Pelosi
Cancer Luck is in the air: you will find yourself slightly richer.
6 Ringside On the down side, it will be because you were part of a
10 Location of unnecessary war 5 Oil major class-action that put your employer out of business.
4 United Nations Better make that $38.42 last!
11 The best solution for society’s problems 3 Impeachment Scorpio Significant life ceremonies are in store, but you will
not have to worry about any prayers being a part of them.
2 Adieu
Pisces Are you feeling hot and cold, happy and sad, angry and
12 It’s best fought here at home, or Okinawa 1 Howard Dean
content? The Democratic Party joins you in your indecision.

Supremes Still Stuck
(Continued from page 3)
The then-86-year-old Stevens announced
his retirement shortly after the 2006
elections, in which Democrats won
both the House and the Senate. He offi-
cially left the Court on January 1,
2007. The President’s first nominee to
replace him never was granted a com-
mittee hearing, and withdrew her name
from consideration. A month later,
his second nominee was given a hear-
ing, and voted down in committee by
a unanimous Democrat majority.
Since then, there has been a dead-
lock. The President will not budge.
He continues to insist that nominat-
ing a justice is his prerogative, and
the role of the Senate is in the confir-
mation process. In addition, the
President often repeats that he will
insist on judges who, as he puts it,
‘interpret the law, not legislate from
the bench.’
Republicans have attacked the
Democrat members of the Senate
Judiciary Committee, who have nick-
named themselves “The Caravan of
Courage.”
But Democrats don’t believe that
they deserve any share of the blame
for the situation.
“It’s not our job to come to him,”
Leahy said. “We’re the majority now.
He needs to recognize that the rules
have changed. We’re holding a few Committee aide. “He should just judges have recognized over the “It’s about time,” Judy Smith-
cards of our own now.” count himself lucky we weren’t in the years,” Neas said. “If we have to Walker, a New York graphic designer
Former Solicitor General Ted position we’re in now two years ago, leave that seat empty until we elect a said. “Go into any coffee shop here
Olson warned of the importance not or some of those conservatives might Democrat President, that’s exactly and you’ll hear people saying the
only of filling the ninth seat on the not be there, either.” what we’ll do.” same thing: we finally feel like the
high court, but of restarting the con- Ralph Neas, President of People Until then, or until the President government is one we can under-
firmation process for lower courts, for the American Way, doesn’t see the and the Senate can come to an agree- stand.”
which has also stalled. urgency. ment, the Supreme Court will continue Stefan, a 28-year-old full time stu-
Democrats, however, question “The American people spoke last to operate shorthanded. dent in San Francisco, agrees, adding
Olson’s motives. November, and they said they don’t To read more, go to that he feels that the Democrats’ pri-
“He just wants another hard right want justices whose radical interpre- www.AmericaWeakly.com. orities more closely match most
winger up there to vote with the rest tation of the Constitution doesn’t Americans. “Ask around,” he said.
of the conservatives,” a top Judiciary include so many of the new rights that “No one here is talking about a so-
called War on Terror or how many
Dems in Charge dividends corporate America can
(Continued from page 2) show. We want Washington dealing
SUPREME DEADLOCK The Democrats have been stymied as with real issues, like stopping animal
Since the retirement of Justice John Paul Stevens, the Supreme well on their attempts to close the testing, or ending the Cuba embargo,
Court has deadlocked on many important cases. Here is a sampling Guantanamo Bay terrorist prison or finally passing a good, Canadian-
of 4-4 decisions (in which the lower court decision automatically facility, and to revisit the Kyoto Treaty style health care system.”
stands). provisions. Single-payer health care hasn’t
Holmes vs. Consolidated School District of Rochester: Lower Some Democrats, however, are not come up yet (though Health
court ruled that any kind of prayer—even nondenominational— concerned with legislative setbacks. Subcommittee Chairman Pete Stark
at a school graduation ceremony infringed upon the first amend- “Sure, it might be nice if we is rumored to be working on a bill),
ment rights of any atheists participating, viewing, or in hearing passed some of our own bills,” one but it is clear that many Americans
distance of the ceremony. Democrat leadership aide said. “But now believe that anything is possible.
John Smith vs. United States: Lower court ruled that the Pledge legislative achievement isn’t what The mood in the country has changed.
of Allegiance “unfairly asks those living in America to state their we’re after. Stopping the President is “The last six years have been so
loyalty to America, a clear violation of the First Amendment.” what we’re after—and we’re doing it.” horrible,” aspiring Hollywood
Jones et al vs. Vermont: Lower court affirmed states’ rights to The reality is that despite some screenwriter Rex Star told us. “All
take private lands in order to protect species (even those not cur- setbacks, the entire political land- Washington could talk about was ter-
rently listed as endangered)—in this case, a newly-discovered scape has changed. America is radi- rorism and homeland security. Now
breed of insect, the Northern Biting Fly. cally different than it was just eight we don’t talk about those things any
months ago. And even outside of more, and so the country is happier.
Washington, regular Americans are Any writer will tell you: depressing
sitting up and taking notice. doesn’t sell.”

America Weakly is a satirical publication containing fictional news stories of a fictitious future.
Unless otherwise specified, the content of this publication should not be viewed as a depiction of actual events.
8 www.AmericaWeakly.com September 7, 2007

GETTY IMAGES
o o r ay Washington Daybook: September 7, 2007
H for Major Events Committee hearing entitled, “Un- in 2003; Why the U.S. Should Have
House Speaker Pelosi, Senate Majority doing Tax Cuts.” Listened to the World.”

! Leader Reid, House Majority Leader

Murtha headline a press conference to
discuss the Democrat Majority’s
accomplishments blocking President
Bush’s security agenda. Senate Tri-
It’s the end of the summer, and all eyes are turned to Washington as our angle, 10:00 a.m.
favorite celebs arrive to support the returning Dem majorities…
We hear that Rob Reiner was seen visiting members of the California Today’s Investigations:
delegation in the U.S. House, maybe laying the groundwork for that long- 9:00 a.m. Day two of House
awaited run for public office? Reiner, last heard in June 2006 saying “We Judiciary Committee Hearings on
are going to fight for progressive causes,” is a favorite of California Dems Presidential Impeachment. Testi-
after having helped bankroll the unfortunately unsuccessful 2006 ballot mony on President Bush’s Saudi con-
initiative to spend $2.4 billion on pre-schools… nections is expected.
Sighted! Michael Moore at a series of soirees held throughout the 2:00 p.m. House Government
week celebrating the accomplishments of the Dem majority. America Reform Committee Chairman Henry
Weakly’s favorite documentarian went from party to party, reputedly Waxman continues his “12 Investi-
enjoying some of the best seafood, steak and desserts to be had in DC… gations in 12 Months” tour with the
Moby is mobilizing once again on behalf of PETA. The vegan rocker 9th hearing, “Secrecy And Decep-
and longtime supporter of the animal rights group was on Capitol Hill tion: Did Karl Rove Secretly Hide al-
last week, presumably to push for more and stronger laws to protect all Zarqawi and Saddam Hussein for
of the critters on the planet. PETA’s influence in DC has increased Political Gain?”
tremendously since the Dem takeover—they’ve come a long way since
having to apologize in 2003 for comparing animal suffering to the Committee Hearings:
Holocaust… 9:00 a.m. The Senate Health,
Baldwin Watch! As our regular readers know, activist and thespian Education, Labor and Pensions
Alec Baldwin was the original inspiration for America Weakly’s Hooray Committee markup of Chairman Ted
for Hollywood column. Well, we caught up with our favorite celeb and Kennedy’s legislation entitled, “Leave
asked him how he was celebrating the first eight months of Democrat Education For Teachers” or LEFT
control of Congress. He said “I’m just working hard—we still have to get ACT of 2007. The legislation calls for
the White House back, and I’m going to make sure Hollywood plays a role “The complete repeal of unfair and
in that campaign.” We know you will, Alec, and that’s why we love you. unreachable standards for student
achievement in No Child Left Behind.”
10:30 a.m. House Ways and Means
2:00 p.m. House Government
Reform Committee hearing entitled,
“Keeping the Country as Safe as the
Capital: Expanding the DC Gun Ban
to the States.”
4:00 p.m. Democrat moneyman
George Soros testifies before the
Senate Commerce Committee on the
art of international investment.
5:00 p.m. Small Business
Committee Chairman John Kerry
explores how more government
investment and oversight—and less
wasteful tax cuts—will help small
businesses thrive.
Member Events:
1:00 p.m. Senator Barbara Boxer (D-
CA) and Congressman Dennis
Kucinich (D-OH) appear with for-
mer University of Colorado professor
Ward Churchill for a roundtable dis-
cussion with students entitled,
“Who’s the Terrorist?”
1:30 p.m. Senator Hillary Clinton
speaks to the American Medical
Association on “The Healthcare that
America Deserves: Rethinking Our
Aversion to Single-Payer Systems.”
4:00 p.m. The French Ambassador
and Senate Foreign Relations
Chairman Joe Biden hold a joint
press conference on “Mistakes Made
Off-the-Hill Events
10:00 a.m. The Brookings Institute
holds a seminar entitled, “Whose
Congress is It After All: Competing
Agendas in the Democrat Majority.”
10:00 a.m. The Progressive
Institute holds a seminar entitled,
“It’s Our Congress: How to Continue
Shaping a Progressive Agenda for the
Democrat Majority.”
10:00 a.m. The Blue-Dog
Coalition holds a seminar entitled,
“It’s Our Congress, Too: How to
Work for a Moderate Agenda for the
Democrat Majority.”
2:00 p.m. MoveOn.org holds a
press conference to release its report
“Two Impeachments, One New
America: How Nancy Pelosi Can Be
in the White House in 90 Days.”
4:00 p.m. ACLU holds a sympo-
sium: “A Government Without God:
How Democrats Are Taking Action to
Enforce the First Amendment.”
Political Events:
7:00 p.m. Democrat National Com-
mittee Chairman Howard Dean holds a
seminar at Yale entitled, “Dragging
Democrats to Victory: How the 50-
State Strategy Delivered Congress.”

IMPEACHMENT
(Continued from page 3)
He added, “I hope they go after
[Vice President Dick] Cheney and
[Secretary of Defense Donald]
Rumsfeld next. If we do this right, we
can remove the whole cabal and be
swearing Nancy Pelosi in to serve
out the remainder of Bush’s term.”
To many members of Congress,
the hearings represent promises kept.
In 2005, Judiciary committee
member Jerry Nadler (D-NY) said,
“If we had an honest Congress, we’d
be considering impeachment.” Today,
he told America Weakly, “I am thrilled
to say we finally have an honest
Congress. The American people
knew exactly what they were voting
for last November. We told them that
if we won, we would move forward
and make this President accountable.
Today, we’re keeping that promise.”
Democrat National Committee
Chairman Howard Dean, now men-
tioned prominently as a presidential
candidate after successfully leading
Democrats back to the majority in
Congress, has been enthusiastically
promoting the hearings at appear-
ances across the country, from Iowa
to New Hampshire.
“For years we have watched the
Republican majorities allow the
President to get away with whatever
he wants. It is about time he was held
responsible,” Dean said
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-
CA) and Senate Majority Leader
Harry Reid (D-NV) continue to be
unavailable for comment.
Some Republicans have ques-
tioned the timing of the hearings and
wondered if they were payback to
party activists for helping the Demo-
crats regain the majority. Before the
November elections, more than 10
Democrat state parties had passed
resolutions calling for President Bush
to be impeached and many groups
aligned with the Democrat Party—
like MoveOn.org—have long sup-
ported impeaching the President.
For some, this is just the first step.
“Justice won’t truly be served until
George W. Bush is tried by the
International Criminal Court at the
Hague for war crimes,” a MoveOn
spokesman said.
Minority Leader Dennis Hastert
(R-IL) called the hearings the “most
ridiculous” thing he has seen in
Congress and vowed to fight the
Democrats.
Rep. Sensenbrenner accused the
Democrats of being tied to special
interests. “Once again the Democrats
have bowed to the pressure of
Hollywood liberal interest groups,”
he said.
Democrats, however, are unbowed.
“Elections have consequences,”
Conyers said. “The Democrat Party was
elected for a reason. If Republicans
had won, impeachment would remain
nothing more than a daydream. But
this is no dream—it’s a nightmare for
the Bush Administration and the
Republicans, because they didn’t
win, and my committee will move
forward to impeach this President.”
PROMISE KEPT
(Continued from page 3)
In a statement, DNC Chairman
Howard Dean said, “I am proud the
House and Senate have passed the
tax plan I proposed while running
for President. The Republican tax
cuts were absurd then and they are
absurd now.”
Dean, widely considered a presi-
dential candidate, had some sugges-
tions for the use of the new federal
funds. “There are some areas in which
we can and should be doing more. For
example, I proposed free rabies shots
for Vermont cats while I was governor.
That was a vital public health issue,
and I think we should look to expand
that program on a national level.”
The legislation would roll back
marriage penalty relief, the increase
in the child tax credit, and the divi-
dend and capital gains tax cuts.
Each of the income tax brackets
would increase, including a 50 percent
increase in the current 10 percent bracket.
House Ways and Means Committee
Chairman Charlie Rangel (D-NY),
who as far back as 1986 maintained
that tax bills that do not raise revenues
do nothing for the economy, dismissed
criticisms of the Democrat tax bill.
At a town hall meeting with fellow
New York legislators, Rangel said,
“It’s only going to be about $100
from each paycheck, give or take.
Pretty soon, no one will even notice.”
“We don’t want to raise taxes on
everybody,” one Democrat aide said.
“But some adjustments are more than
overdue. For example, married couples
making more than $80,000 a year
with three or more kids, at least two
pets, a part-time gardener and a com-
mute of not less than 5 miles but not
more than 7.5—those people need to
pay their fair share.”
President Bush has promised to
veto any tax increases, which
Democrats say points to the need for
a Democrat victory in 2008.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi
(D-CA) said, “Election ’08 is shaping
up to be one of the most important in
our lifetimes. I will do everything in
my power to elect more Democrats
next year. The American people
spoke last November, but President
Bush is ignoring them by threatening
to veto vital economic legislation. It
is unacceptable.”
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America Weakly is a satirical publication containing fictional news stories of a fictitious future.
Unless otherwise specified, the content of this publication should not be viewed as a depiction of actual events.