Homeland Security Parody

If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.

If you are sprayed with an un nown substance, stand and thin about it instead of seeing a doctor.

!se your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you" If you spot terrorism, blow your antiterrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.

#o eliminate smallpo$, wash with soap, water and at least one armless hand under a faucet with no sin . If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder.

%ichael &ac son is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with scary eyes, run away now.

If a door is closed, arate chop it open.

If your building collapses, climb under your table and practice yoga postures. People, animal corpses and the bioha'ard symbol are all at ris of being suc ed into the time-tunnel vorte$.

#ry to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. #he current world record is * minutes, +, seconds. (e on the loo out for terrorists with pin eye and leprosy. )lso, they tend to rub their hands together manically.

)fter e$posure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensionswatch your head.

0our respiratory and digestive systems are optional. 1ast them aside if you feel you no longer need them.

If you.ve become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. /o one wants to see that.

If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve o$ygen by not farting.

Survive a bioha'ard attac by first standing, then begging on your nees, then rolling over and playing dead. If you hear the (ac street (oys, %ichael (olton or 0anni on the radio, cower in the corner or run li e hell.

Do not drive a station wagon if a utility pole is protruding from the hood.

) 2uic family snapshot in front of the latest scene of a terrorist attac may become a treasured family eepsa e that will preserve precious memories for years to come.

) one-inch thic piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.

#hat closet door in your bedroom leads to the gates of Hell. Don.t go there.

/o pyromaniacs admitted.

#he middle of a terrorist attac is not an appropriate time to catch up on your reading or paperwor .

If you see colors in the s y, grasp your throat and pretend to cho e yourself. 3irls go for that.

0our telephone may be a practicing physician. 4oo for a phone with no numbers on it.

If your intended destination is suddenly vapori'ed, consider pulling over and watching the cool light show.

56ash your hands5 of traditional long distance telephone providers.

If the weather is overcast with dar s ies, loo for worms in the grass.

7nly the coolest irradiated citi'ens will be allowed into the .underground. rave in the shelter.

)fter all life is gone, modern appliances will continue to run forever. #hin about it.

In case of emergency, the par ing bra e may be used as an adult novelty item.

In time of war, real )mericans eat red meat only" /o wimpy fish or poultry, please.

8adioactive materials come in 9 convenient si'es- individual dose - family value si'e - neighborhood spray pump si'e - supersi'e"

#here is a reason you failed chemistry. Satellite photos of #e$as show the large embarrassing radioactive crop circle in Southeast #e$as.

6atch out for people who come out of white tents and try to steal the shirt off your bac . 6hen the looting begins remember to consider the weight:value ratio. Here we have a few e$amples of high value, low effort.

If you are trapped with no hope of being found, amuse yourself in your final moments with shadow puppets.