An Incomplete Marriage Manifesto

(Compiled and adapted from various sources)

Major Goals: 1. To provide a time of joy and laughter as we experience and reexperience and re-experience wonder and worship Father, Son and Holy Spirit together. 2. To provide a safe place to express frustrations, disappointments and lament in a non-judgmental, Spirit-led group setting. (Non-judgmental means we will remain open to what God is going to do in us and others and through circumstances and past or present mistakes or successes. We and our marriages are still incomplete.) 3. To encourage a rigorous honesty and a confessional walk before God and others. The Fine Print:
To that end, one thing will have to be put aside, blaming others in any way for our current situation. Whenever we place blame, we are looking for a scapegoat for a real dislocation in which we ourselves are implicated. Blame is a defensive substitute for an honest examination of life that seeks personal growth in failure and self-knowledge in mistakes. Thomas Moore stated, Fundamentally, [blame] is a way of averting consciousness of error. (Brennan Manning, Abbas Child, 85)

That is why Jesus said, Do not judge so that you will not be judged. For by the standard you judge you will be judged, and the measure you use will be the measure you receive (Matt 7:1-2). At the core or foundational level in this group will be dealing with heart matters of our sin. The more we own the Gospel and fuller measures of His grace, we allow God and the Holy Spirit to uncover our sin, confess it, bring it to the light. Then in essence we are freer, with less and less shame to own what a wretched person I am, who can save me from this body of sin? Thanks be to God in Christ. And in this posture we, as parents, friends, neighbors to whomever we encounter, we point not to

ourselves having it together, but to the one who has it together and who got it together for us to have a free life in Christ. And so while we must make practical decisions today about how to deal with the damage sin has brought to our lives, what is more important is dealing openly and honestly about our hearts before the Lord. More and more we are inclined to not have it right in front of our kids and spouse but rather to live more confessionally before God and them and keep pointing, in weakness, to the one who got it right and invites us into His rightness before the father. We choose to renounce the shameful things that we have done and hidden. We choose to replace our patterns of hiding with vulnerability. We acknowledge that vulnerability is not weakness, but strength. It is the birthplace of courage, creativity and connection in relationships. So we refuse to practice cunning or falsehood of kind; but by the open statement of the truth we commend ourselves to the awareness that all of us stand naked before God (2 Cor 4:2) When we have a family history of abuse, we acknowledge the ease with which we fall into a pattern of abuse ourselves. That is why Scripture says, Do not repay evil for evil or abuse for abuse; but, on the contrary, repay with a blessing. It is for this that you were calledthat you might inherit a blessing (1Pet. 3:9). The most common and destructive form of abuse among Christians is emotional abuse. Any behavior that is aimed to control and subjugate another person through the use of fear, humiliation, verbal and/or physical assaults is abuse. Constant criticism, making snide remarks, verbal threats and manipulating another persons decisions in the disguise of offering advice all are emotional abuse. Such behavior systematically erodes the victims self concept, self esteem, self confidence and self worth thus emotional abuse is regarded as the most destructive of all types of abuse. It comes in many forms, but thee biggies are: Aggression: Aggression is both direct and indirect. Calling names (you are selfish, conniving, very smart etc.), making accusations (you did X on purpose, you want my parents to die, you want me to break off from my parents etc.), threats (do X or else Ill , stay in your limits or Ill teach you a lesson etc.) and ordering around is direct aggression. When someones criticizing, questioning, analyzing, probing, advising and offering solutions that feels over bearing it is indirect aggression even if they mean well. It feels they are belittling or controlling the other or are insisting, I know best. In such situations the abuser demands undivided time and attention. It may appear helpful: let me do that or youll just ruin it, Oh! you cant even do this, I know what is in your heart, I want you to do this now or else etc. Often Denying the separate person of the other created in the image of God:

Refusal to acknowledge how you feel such as, when you confront the abuser they may say I do not know what you are talking about, I never said that, I was just joking, etc. Refusal to listen to your view point (You mean I should not meet my parents/friends etc. Saying you said this or that, even when you did not say it or ignoring your concerns and feelings (you are just exaggerating; there is enough money in for that etc.), and treating you like an extension of themselves (making decisions without consulting you e.g. I told them youll do it, You have to do it because I said you would etc.) is denying you are a separate person (We are a couple so we should think and feel alike). Refusal to talk or listen to you, withholding affection as punishment is also part of denying. Giving silent treatment to the abused on her/his refusal to abide by abusers wishes or commands. Minimizing: Minimizing is a form of denial. The abuser accepts that the event occurred but denies how the abused feels. For example, you are being too sensitive, you are too touchy about particular topic, you misunderstood me etc. implying recipients emotions and perceptions are faulty or inconsequential. Another way of minimizing is to play the fairness game, (Now you know how I feel.) We acknowledge that because of sin we have suffered, others have abused us (and sometimes we have allowed it), and we have abused others and all this has damaged our souls and we desire for God to Search us, O God, and know our hearts; test us and know our thoughts. See if there is any wicked way in us, and lead us in the way everlasting. Psalm 139: 24 (I, Yancy, confess I have been guilty more times than I like to admit of nearly everything written above.) This is endlessly complicated because we are married and marriage tends to bring out the best or the worst in us. But change, with help, is possible in Christ. A Marriage Vision: Losing to Win In marriage, losing is letting go of the need to fix everything for your partner, listening to their darkest parts with heartache rather than a solution. Its being even more present in the painful moments than in the good times. Its finding ways to be humble and open, even when everything in you says that youre right and they are wrong. Its doing what is right and good for your spouse, even when big things need to be sacrificed, like a job, or a relationship, or an ego. It is forgiveness, quickly and voluntarily. It is eliminating anything from your lifeeven the things you loveif they are keeping you from attending, caring, and serving. It is seeking peace by accepting the healthy but crazy making things about your partner because, you remember, those were the things you fell in love with in the first place.

It is knowing that your spouse will never fully understand you, will never truly love you unconditionallybecause they are a broken creature, tooand loving them to the end anyway. Caveat emptor: But what about the people who are in abusive marriages? For them marriage is still a redemptive event. Even though an abusive marriage must come to an end (by changing or otherwise), the redemption is not about learning how to maintain a relationship or care for your partner. You are a professional at that. In this case, marriage is about you beginning to believe in your own worthiness as a person created in Gods image and for whom Christ died . Here is the Good News: He endured abuse so that you might be set free. Redemption will look like you deciding that, finally, it is time for someone to sacrifice for you. It will begin with facing your fear of loneliness; embracing the truth that loneliness is a part of life and not your fault. The person married to an abuser can learn the art of being alone and you will discover she/he is worthy, even if no one is around. Believing you are worthy, you will find places in the world to which you belongpeople who value you and are willing to sacrifice for you. They will accept your imperfections and shower you with grace in your mess. And as you enter into all of this, you will begin to learn the fine art of balancing love and sacrifice with good boundaries and self-respect.