A Heart That Breaks the Soil

By Monica Lee Cover Design By Marie Ban

Dedicated to my beloved father-in-law John Kenneth Lee

Table of Contents

Acknowledgements Introduction Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22

Chapter 23 Chapter 24 Chapter 25 Chapter 26 Chapter 27 Chapter 28 About The Author

Acknowledgements

I would like to thank the following for their support and invaluable advice and help with this book. Firstly my wonderful husband Matthew John Lee without whose help this book would never have been completed. Others include Marilee Rhody, Inga Asplund, John Harten, Diana Purdie and my lovely family. Finally I would like to pay tribute to the people of Zambia who are a constant source of inspiration to me.

Prologue

Deafening drumbeats coupled by women clapping to the beat heightens the euphoria in the room, as the matron and bride made their entrance. Covered with a large piece of cloth she is guided by the matron to a reed mat. The young girl is about to embark on a journey she has little or no knowledge about. Its a unique journey where she is expected to give and receive that which cannot be priced because it comes naturally between a man and a woman. The matron raises the young bride to her feet; still covered, the bride is oblivious of the scene around her, and what lies ahead. As the brides mother kneels in front of the two elders in charge of the ceremony, she bows down in respect. Ululating from the women sitting on the floor fills the room again. The cloth draped over the bride is removed followed by her upper garment adding to the mystery and anxiety the young bride is already feeling. Shivering from the cold her body is covered in goose bumps, her cold hands hold onto the matrons hand as she is led to one end of the room. Arms raised above her head the young bride stands against the wall half naked, as the women ululate even louder affirming her beauty and innocence. Pinned against the wall the eye contact between mother and daughter bring both to tears. Singing while slapping the brides breast in rhythm to the drums, the matron is merely fulfilling her duty to a two hundred year old tradition performed under closed doors. Aunts and cousins to the bride throw money to the elderly woman prompting her to stop the act briefly. She tucks the cash around the colourful beads round her waist on the sarong line she is wearing, knowing she is a few dollars richer than she was that morning. Confident, she proceeds to the next step in the ceremony. Flexing a fresh mulberry stick she pretends to whip the women in the room. They respond by dramatising the feeling of pain as she abruptly turns to the bride and sings, tumone noka ngalikutemwa (lets see how much your mother loves you) The muscles in her buttocks tight, she puts all her strength into the first whip that lands across the bare chest of the young bride. More tears of confusion roll down her face. The strike is unexpected sparking more

fear and dread. This is only the beginning: she has to endure each step in the ceremony until the early hours of the morning, before she is taken to her marital home before sunrise.

Traditional pre-marriage ceremony Lusaka Zambia.

Chapter 1

Lusaka October 1991

Mandy shook her head back and forth. Please help me get out of this marriage, she cried. cant go on living like this. I

The sadness that engulfed her seemed almost too much to bear for cousin Maya, who could only hold her hand, unable to offer any solution. Still holding onto Mayas hand, Mandy clumsily wiped away tears with the back of her hand. You should try to calm down, Maya said, but from afar, a buzzing sound that seemed to be getting louder and louder increased her relatives anxiety. The vibrating phone alarm by the bedside brought Mandy back to reality. She turned to look at her husband Winston, soundly asleep beside her, oblivious of her internal predicament. Her cheeks were wet and the pillow was damp from another fitful nights sleep. With her eyes still closed, she fumbled to reach for her phone, and, turned the alarm off. Monday mornings had never been anything to look forward to. She lay there, staring at the dark, wondering what the school day would be like. Ive got to get up, she thought. It was already 5:45 and she was expected to be in class by 6:50. Pulling the bed sheets back quietly so she didnt disturb her husband, she walked sluggishly to the bathroom, opened the hot and cold water to fill a bath, and automatically reached for the pink toothbrush that lay on the glass ledge next to Winstons blue one. When he had bought them last month, she had remarked that it was not necessary to colour code them according to sex, but that was a joke he didnt appreciate. Mandy stood in front of the bathroom mirror as she squeezed the last bit of toothpaste and thought that would be something else to put him in a bad mood. Toothbrushes and toothpaste: she had never imagined in her younger years they could cause such tension within a marriage. She began to talk to her reflection, but not very loudly, as the sound of snoring reached the bathroom and she didnt want it to stop. Youve got to stand up

for yourself if you dont like the way your husband treats you. Bending over to close the running taps, she dipped her fingers into the water to feel the temperature which was warm enough for her to remove her nightdress despite the cold June morning draught coming through the partially-open, frosted glass window. Splashing water on her face first and then fully submerging it, she felt relaxed and, for the first time that morning, she felt fully awake. She began to think about her marriage and how best to handle her non-communicative husband. If she began to stand up to him, would Winston really decide to divorce her? The best kind of wife knew how to make her husband happy, so where had she gone wrong? The idea of being alone produced a peculiar mixture of happiness and dread. To become single again would come at the cost of letting her family and children down, but it was nice to imagine it occasionally. At thirty-seven, Mandy was a primary school teacher at a local school, where shed taught for the past fifteen years. Each school day consisted of delivering lessons to the children and learning new lessons from them, but there was only one lesson she learnt each day in her new marriage, though its intensity increased over time, and that was she had made one terrible mistake for which she paid dearly. She had been introduced to her husband Winston in the fall of 1990, a director of companies, whose wife had died in a fatal car accident, leaving him with three boys. Despite the lack of a wife, Winston, like many African men, took on family responsibilities with pride and was also looking after his sisters five girls, Mbais, Lubi, Muso, Bibi and Lydia. When Mandy moved in, it was a full house: the boys shared a room and the five girls squeezed into another like sardines in a small pot. Such a crowd was a drain on finances and privacy, but it was shameful behaviour for any African to complain about such inconveniences when relatives are in need. Mandy happily accepted the situation and made sure there were at least two loaves of sliced white bread on the breakfast table every morning so the children did not go to school hungry, it was only later that she realised she was only adding to the bad eating habits that already existed in that household. Having a good standing in society, her husband Winston enjoyed all the respect given to him and employees and associates would always address him as, boss, bwana or sir. Growing up with his mothers brother from a poor background, Winston had a well-paying job; luxurious four-wheel drive provided by the company

and a large enough house in a residential area that had once been the preserve of white people. He had done very well by African standards. Yes, he was happy with what he had achieved so far, but Mandy knew that did not change the deeply set unhappiness that Winston had been carrying from his childhood. His overcoming of odds stacked so heavily against him had produced a single-minded way of thinking not prone to change. His belief system was unique, yet consistent, and woven together by the threads of bitter experience and influence of specially selected family members. Winston thought the world of his Uncle Temba and looked up to him as the perfect role model. Often he spoke about Uncle Temba to Mandy but declined to go into detail. His uncle was the only educated son in his family, due to family constraint he was expected to help educate his less privileged nephews and nieces, even though he had a big family of his own. Temba had three children from his first marriage and five with his second wife. As if that were not enough, he took in Winston and his sister, Mimi. When Tembas first marriage came to an end, he took his first wife back to her village as was required by tradition and later married a modern woman from the city. Even though that marriage was over, that did not hinder Temba from having children with his former wife, whom he visited frequently. Children born from her were brought back to the city to live with him and they got the necessary education. The number of dependents was not an issue that overly concerned Temba. Space in Africa has never been a problem; nevertheless, accommodation can be a challenge. Large families are forced to lodge together in small houses and sleeping space can be anywhere in the house, except for the toilet and bathroom. A three-bedroom house with one shower and a toilet was actually a push for a family of that size, even for African standards. The living room was no bigger than the kitchen, and had space enough for four or six people at the most. Pots and pans were piled up underneath the leaking kitchen sink. Rattling in the corner was an old off white paraffin fridge that had lost its colour over the years. Three small-boxed windows lined the kitchen wall, overlooking the family vegetable patch that yielded enough for their daily consumption of vegetables. The garden space contrasted sharply with cramped conditions inside and it was an amazing feat for a family of twelve to survive in such conditions,

especially considering the lack of proper garbage collection facilities and unreliability of other amenities. Every evening the children all met up to play soccer in the middle of the street. And it was these enjoyable times that were firmly imprinted in Winstons mind that he spoke about each time he shared his childhood memories. It was as if he could visualise himself playing football, patiently withstanding occasional interruptions to their game each time a car honked. The view of all the children dotted around in small groups, some dancing, others playing chicken in the den, made you wonder where they went to at nightfall. Uncle Temba had laid down rules on the use of the toilet and shower; otherwise it would have been practically impossible for all the children to have a shower before going to school. You all have to understand there are others in the house; I dont expect you to spend more than five minutes in the shower. He roared at the children, If you want to spend an hour in the shower, get your own place. He often banged on the bathroom door just to let the person inside understand they were in big trouble. His stammer was more pronounced when he was angry, and at such times his speech was barely understandable. When Winston and his young sisters came to live with them, after their first visit from the village, it was paradise for them. Electricity, running water, tea and bread for breakfast! What more could a child from the village crave? It was also the very first time they had ever seen a television, a true change to their way of life and a dream come true. Tembas wife, Miriam, was very kind and soft-spoken. Having no choice, her duty was to look after the children, dependents, and other adults that turned up at her doorstep, as long as they were related to her husband. Without hesitating, she took Winston and his sister in and brought them up like her own. The family cooking was done on a charcoal brazier, on the houses front veranda, as it was much too expensive to use electricity. Coming from an environment that had an outdoor kitchen and a pit latrine, hygiene could not be assumed. Miriam took time to teach the children simple hygiene and other kitchen chores that made them feel more at home. Winston remembered that it was a challenging time for Miriam, as she endeavored to make Winston understand

that he couldnt always get what he wanted; taking into account the limited resources the family had to share and live on. Her own children also felt they deserved more than what was normally given to them. Consequently, she found herself, in the midst of a dilemma. Time and again, they would confront their mother, asking why they had to look after so many children. Your father is trying hard to help as many relatives as possible. Was Miriams explanation sufficient? The biggest thing she feared was her children growing up feeling neglected. Even though her husband worked hard to provide for the family the best he could, Winston often confirmed this and explained how the family struggled to put food on the table.

Chapter 2

Their life together The bathroom was covered in steam as Mandy wiped herself down. Deliberately leaving the bathroom door open, she quietly walked back into the bedroom. She had found ways of getting round certain problems just to avoid arguments. Quickly she slipped into her clothes that were laid out the night before, making sure she did not wear her blouse inside out. The bedroom was dark, and the bathroom light didnt help her much as she knelt down to find her shoes. Often enough she had had to return to the bedroom upon finding she was wearing two different shoes. Accustomed to dressing in the dark, she had given up on trying to get her husband to understand that she didnt have the vision of a vampire bat. All dressed up, she took her school basket and headed for the door as she glanced at her watch, even though she could not see anything. She could hear the springs on the bed squeaking behind her as Winston turned over. Mandy! Her called out to her, just as she was about to open the door. She stopped in her way, on hearing his voice. Good morning, I didnt expect you to be awake so early. Winston did not respond to her remarks and instead persisted, Turn the light on; Id like to see what you are wearing. She reached for the switch. Reluctantly she flicked it on. Mandy knew what her husband was going to say to her. She must have been quite noisy that morning to wake him up, or was he just sneaking up on her? The sudden brightness in the room made him squint as he looked her over. I dont think that is appropriate for work, take it off and find something more decent. His disapproval of her wardrobe came with intense scrutiny. And that talk with her reflection that morning didnt help much because these were times she needed to stand up to him. Surely, she was old enough to know what clothes not to wear to work.

A knee length green skirt with a short slit in front revealing a small part of her thigh, a white lacey top with short sleeves was not appropriate? Just take it off! You are not going to stand up to him, said the little voice inside of her. She changed into a knee-length plain dress, making her feel and look much older than she was. That was the best she could do; time was not on her side. She dare not look in a hurry, as that would be another reason for Winston to delay her even longer. Why had her wardrobe become a major concern in their relationship? His expectation of a more modest way of dressing that was expected of married women was just a front. She strongly felt she was being compared to another woman in his past. She felt a wave of sadness as she slowly walked towards him, being careful not to openly display her disgust. Standing awkwardly by her husbands bedside, not knowing what to do with her arm, she waited for his final approval. He looked at her with eyes partially closed. That looks more decent; dont forget to turn the light off. Mandy rolled her eyes and, as she walked towards the door, she could hear him grunt. The manner in which he turned over to face the other way seemed as though he was mocking her. Pulling the cover over his head, he continued his much-loved morning lie in. It made her angry because she knew the clothes she wore were decent enough. It was not so much that, but merely the idea of him wanting to be in control that seemed to give him the satisfaction. How long was she going to keep up with that? She was being controlled like a puppet in a show; the only difference was she had brains but no mettle. Her husbands opinion did not matter much to her because she disagreed with his way of thinking. But, being a coward, she would not dare tell him. She picked up her school basket for the second time that morning and headed for the door, without a sound. Closing that door felt good; she took a deep breath knowing she had a few hours of sanity ahead of her before she returned to that drama again. The long passage that led from their bedroom was just light enough for her to see the three doors on either side. As she approached the end, she tapped her feet on the floor in front of her to make sure she did not miss the steps at the end of that passage. Mandy was going out to earn a living for the dependents and children who were comfortably snoring in their beds. She

was stumbling in the dark, trying to get her footing and bumping into open doors, for people who didnt even appreciate her as a person. The dependents and children hardly spoke to her, and when they did, their focus was normally on food. Aunty Mandy could you bring some doughnuts and cookies when you come home Muso said as she walked into the kitchen one morning. Normally all the children would be asleep at that time, why was Muso up so early? She wondered. Well I dont think I have enough time to get to the bakery today as I need to come home and do the cooking. Beside, you guys have been eating cookies, doughnuts and cakes every other day. Mandy said. So? All my friends eat cake when they want to, in fact you only brought one small cake this week. Mandy was fed up of explaining to them why she did not provide all the delicacies that they requested. Her job was in a school and not a delicatessen. Each evening she was greeted with the same question Did you buy some cookies or cake for us? Mandy frowned at the thought.

The dark wooden mahogany floor in the living room and hallway made the room look even darker in the morning. Mandy put her basket down as she walked towards the kitchen that lay at one end of the hallway. She stood by the kitchen table, trying to get her bearings before she took her packed lunch and bottle of water from the fridge. It was a well-designed kitchen that matched the crockery. Underneath a large window, facing the back yard, a set of cupboards lined the wall. Next to the cupboard, a wooden spice rack with garlic plaits, hung on the side of the cooker, giving it a homely scent. In the corner, a large gray double-door metallic fridge with brass handles made a gentle humming sound that would not normally be heard when there was activity in the house. A few glass bowls and some kitchen machines were placed neatly on a shelf next to the cooker. The small kitchen table, big enough for four people, stood in the middle of the kitchen. Normally she would have her afternoon tea there, unlike in the morning when it was much too early for her to have breakfast at that time. She put her lunch into the basket, then began the tedious task of unlocking the front door. The door was bolted with two metal bars and a grill door with a big lock. That was a

common sight in most homes in that country. The barricade was not to stop a thief from breaking in, but it was merely to slow them down. Outside, the rain was pounding down, and a strong gust of wind blew in as she opened the front door. The morning was darker than usual, with thick clouds spread across the skies like grey cotton wool. She looked around the flooded yard as she opened her umbrella, and then dashed out to the waiting car, where Winstons driver sat patiently waiting for her. Punctual and dedicated, the little man hastily leaned back to open the car door with utmost politeness. Cosmos, the driver, had worked for the family for many years; when Mandy got married to his boss recently, the change in madams did not compromise his performance. She sat in the back seat of the car, staring through the window as Cosmos reversed the car out of the yard. The driveway was paved with flat stones and a concrete edge. A large black metal gate with sharp spiky ends separated the property from the street. Middle Street was a high cost residential area that was well maintained by the council. Organized garbage collection trucks drove by twice a week and a strong neighbourhood watch was present. It was among the safest areas in town at the time. Everything in her life was picture perfect and she was just one unimportant aspect in the picture. Intense admiration by many left her gaping and sometimes induced an artificial cough just in the hope of changing the subject. Yes I am lucky, she would utter under her breath. Mandy was lucky in many ways, but not necessarily in the way people thought of her. They based their assessment on material things and she based hers on her upbringing. The drive to school each morning was enjoyable: Cosmos, having only the task of getting her there, did not utter a word the whole way, thereby giving her time to think things through. Dark and misty, the streetlights began to go off in sets as they joined the main road. At the corner, a group of children were running to school with their books tucked under the breasts of their tunic uniforms. The children had to get to school with dry books under every circumstance. Their navy blue smock tunic uniforms and light blue shirts were wet to their knickers. Mandy looked at the steam being emitted from the hot wet tarmac road. Life was not easy for those

children, but without an education, life would be even harder. Great East Road is among the busiest roads in the town of Lusaka. With two such roads in the country, Great East Road took you to the eastern part of the country and the Great North Road took you to the northern part of the country. Both roads had recently been turned into dual carriageways in the hope of curbing traffic. But that had done little to ease the frequent traffic jams along that road during peak hours. Along the way, street vendors were busy setting up their stalls in readiness for another busy day on the streets. Local buses, parked in a long queue near the University of Zambia bus stop, awaited their first passengers. That had become Mandys weekly scenery on her way to school and back. She looked at all the familiar sights as the car picked up speed. At a pedestrian crossing that was hardly visible, Cosmos slowed down to allow a few schoolboys on bikes to cross over. Glancing at her watch, she realized they had left home slightly earlier than normal and, without thinking, she began to count the hours before her husband was due to leave home for the office. Mandy thought about his lack of warmth towards her and wondered when she was going to break through to him. Suddenly, she realized she had forgotten to tell him she was coming home late, as she had an appointment to meet Maya after school. The car drove past Manda Hill shopping mall and, at the overhead bridge, turned to the left, driving along the showground walls that were covered in various adverts and AIDS awareness signs. As they approached the first speed hump, Cosmos slowed down as the stream of cars ahead of them indicated they were turning right into the school grounds. The school walls were painted white with inviting pictures portraying a students life. Cosmos turned in and stopped the car in the elementary school car park that was congested as parents dropped off their children, while parents with young children parked their cars to walk little ones to their respective classrooms. It was a good school that was well situated in the heart of a good residential area. Mandys classroom was at one end of the school grounds with a fence to keep the toddlers in. At one corner of the small play area was a rabbit hutch and guinea pigs. Each morning she stood by the entrance of

the small wooden gate that was kept locked during the day, to greet and receive the children. It was the best time of day as the toddlers arrived with a lettuce leaf or a small piece of carrot from their dinner to feed the pets. Ms. Mandy! I brought some peas for the rabbit, little Suzie said as she ran up. In the palm of her hand were six mashed peas. The innocence and truthfulness was what had kept her working in that area of the school for so long; that and the mix of local and expatriate teachers who worked harmoniously together. Leaning through the window, she thanked Cosmos for the ride to school and told him she would find her own way home. Then she stopped by the primary office to call Winston to inform him she had a few things to do after school. She left a message with the maid, urging her to make sure he got it. Replacing the receiver back in the cradle, she sat there without letting go; wondering if that would be another problem for her if he didnt get the message. Making sure all the knots were tied was necessary for her peace of mind. But she still walked out of the primary office with a feeling of uncertainty. Across from her classroom was a large sports hall, a swimming pool and basketball court. She stood in the playground that overlooked the football fields, took a deep breath as she gave one of the toddlers a gentle push on the swing, and felt a wave of freedom. It was an eight-hour day with two lunch breaks and Mandy enjoyed every minute of each day.

Chapter 3 September 1992

Meeting cousin Maya Mandy stood by a sweets stall at the main bus station, waiting for Mayas arrival. Buses drove in and out of the station en route to various destinations in the city. The street was hot and crowded; the vendors raised their voices in anticipation of selling their merchandise. Babies, strapped to their mothers backs, cried from the discomfort of the heat, while their mothers went on with their business as normal. A country that had gone downhill after independence was beginning to find its feet again. Growing at a remarkable pace, it continued to fight for a place in a stable global marketplace. Zambia, a landlocked country that was mostly plateau, has a population of fewer than fifteen million people. Times had really changed, Mandy thought; it seemed like only yesterday when she walked down Freedom Way Road with her father, looking to buy school shoes, with just a handful of shops that sold shoes at that time. The city centre side roads now displayed shoes along shop corridors. Of course, the rampant explosion of business had come at a price; walking through these crowded streets meant guarding your wallet and valuables from pickpockets who dallied along, deliberately bumping into unsuspecting victims. In every corner, people were selling commodities, shops were bursting with all kinds of merchandise, and city pavements were practically impassable. Mandy looked around her and saw a group of women selling fresh fruit and vegetables. She walked over, and asked how much the Chinese cabbage was. As she reached for her purse, she wondered why Maya had asked to meet her and stressed the importance of their meeting. She paid the woman and slowly walked back to the sweets stall. What was her life going to be like now that she was married? she wondered. Mandy looked at the people around her, thinking, If every single person has a purpose in life, what is mine? Before she had been married, she knew

what her purpose was to get married, have children and become a famous Artist. But now she didn't know.

Having recently married Winston two years ago in a civil marriage that was witnessed by only a few close family friends, everything was still fresh in her mind. She could still remember how excited she had been about the prospect of getting married. Shed watched with pride as her sisters ran around making last minute preparations for her wedding lunch. It was an experience any woman would definitely like to go through but the unpredictable behavior of her husband-to-be left many doubts in her mind. Her sisters, Jolly, Rita and Gloria worked tirelessly to make their sisters day a success, regardless of the grooms lack of involvement. A day before the ceremony, Rita had called Mandy to remind her not to forget the wedding rings and, jokingly, she commented, It happens all the time, Mandy! That evening, Mandy asked Winston about the rings. We are not going to wear rings, he barked at her. She ground her teeth in distaste. Why does he like spoiling things for everyone? Slumping down, she pulled the cover over her face. She was not going to lose sleep over this. But as she turned the light off, she couldnt help thinking that a romantic evening in a quiet restaurant would have gone down well. Winston had a deliberate way of dealing with issues that led Mandy to think he treated things close to her heart with insignificance. That was the night before their big day and Winston had come over to spend a night because of the number of visitors lodging at his house. In recent months, he had started to enjoy quiet time, and when interrupted, was easily agitated. Waking up early the next morning, Mandys hope of getting to the hair salon before the ceremony was shattered. The eerie silence in the room told her that whatever she said last night about the wedding rings had upset Winston. Frantically, she went into the kitchen to prepare breakfast in the hope that that would cheer him up. But to her utmost surprise, Winston drove off, leaving his breakfast untouched on the living room table. Leaving her in suspense was Winstons specialty; it was like setting a trap for her to fall into and then be able to prove her wrong. For a second, she was tempted

to call her sister, but refrained from doing so, as that would only make matters worse. So she sat back in her small living room and turned on the television, wondering what to do next. Mandy had no clue as to how she was going to get to the registration office; she dared not go to the salon in case he did decide to come back for her. She wasnt even sure if he would come back for her, as he had left without a word. Picking up a fork from the tray, she dug into Winstons breakfast. An hour before the registration, Cosmos drove in with Winston in the back seat. The fretful wait was nerve-wracking, but she thought she had made enough mistakes for one day; she was not going to take any chances. The anxiety she felt at the time was annoying: all dressed up, staring at the television but not understanding a thing of what was being televised, all because she was determined to see this day through. In silence, they drove to the civic centre to tie the knot. He did not speak to her nor look at her. Fidgeting timidly with her nails, Mandy sat in the back seat of the car. In normal circumstances, relatives and friends surround the bride. Unfortunately, that was not the case. Mandy was not a young bride and was not going to wear a wedding dress. There was less attention given to brides that merely went to the council to register their marriage. So she thought, but her relatives had no clue what was happening and she was also too afraid to ask Winston. After theyd started seeing each other, she had slowly lost touch with her friends and, by the time she was to be married, there was no one Winston seemed to approve of she could invite to the marriage. The registration hall was packed as they walked through the crowd to join a small group of relatives that had assembled earlier. Brides dressed in different designs of wedding dresses paraded in the foyer, waiting their turn. Mandy closed her eyes and took a deep breath, just to make sure she wasnt dreaming, awfully glad all that would soon be over. Rita walked up to her and gave her a hug, then asked, Do you have the rings? No, we are not going to wear rings, Mandy whispered back, in a tone that clearly told her sister she was fed up. What are you going to do when they ask you to exchange rings? Rita was now visibly annoyed as she walked over

to where her other sisters stood to tell them of her disappointing discovery even before she could get an answer from Mandy. If only she could understand Winston more herself, maybe she would be in a position to explain things properly to her sisters. All she could do was hope for the best once this was over. Her heart was racing as they walked into the council chambers. Meanwhile, her sisters hearts were racing in despair, not knowing if Mandy had made the right decision. The room was small, cold and dark, with a trace of dampness in the air. It could only accommodate ten people at the most. Shuffling in, the couple was made to stand in front of a small wooden office desk, facing the notary. Apart from Winston and Mandy, the only other people in the room were Mandys mum and her three sisters and Winstons uncle and sister. They were both taken aback when Rita produced two rings. She had gone off to buy the rings from a nearby hotel, not understanding how the ceremony could be performed without the rings. Mandy knew that was not what her partner wanted, and the ceremony came to a standstill. Winston refused to take the ring. The notary waited patiently, observing all the drama unfold in front of him. He turned to Winston and asked, Do you want to get married? His tone made Winston jump. Grabbing the ring, he didnt even look at which finger he slipped it on. Slowly, Mandy bent her fingers to conceal the ring that had been placed on her middle finger. Times like these created an inner feeling of compassion for her sisters, who were trying hard to make her happy, even though they did not feel supported by their new brother-in-law. Their hope, however, was that one day he would come to understand their intentions were well meant. The crowd cheered and congratulated the newly-wed couple as they left the building. Everyone was now ready for the big celebration. Mandy could hear Winston in the background saying goodbye to his relatives. He then turned to Mandy. Are you coming or would you like to stay behind? he asked in a very pleasant voice. The relatives around him burst into laughter at hearing him joke so lightly. Mandy hastily fell into step and together they walked back to the car, and she was the only one who knew he wasnt joking.

Mandys sisters said she looked stunning that afternoon at the registration office. She wore a lilac skirt with a well-fitting silk band, which enhanced her slender waist; the skirt fell elegantly to the floor. A snow-white bodice to accent the lilac skirt showed off her full bust. Her hat was a deeper purple with white and lilac ribbons that gave her an enchanting look. Driving back in silence after tying the knot was something you dont see in movies because movies are a fairy tale fantasy; this was real. Mandy could tell by his breathing that he was still very tense. When they got home, he jumped out of the car before it ground to a halt and rushed into the house. Just as he was throwing the wedding ring into the kitchen bin, Mandy walked in. Was that where their symbol of marriage would lie? Looking at the ring lying on top of the rubbish, she reached to pick it up but a second thought overrode her instinct to retrieve it. She stood by the bin for a second. As she left the kitchen, her hope was to find an empty bin in the morning. Winston had not placed any sentimental value on the vows they exchanged that afternoon. Pausing by the bedroom door, she walked in as though nothing had happened. Something had suddenly changed; he was in a good mood. He turned round to face her with a smile on his face. Call your sisters and tell them we have made other arrangements to celebrate our registration, he said, smiling broadly. An action like throwing the ring in the bin was enough to cheer him up, because as far as he was concerned, he had achieved something. Are my sisters coming to join us? Mandy asked, pretending to be cheerful. I dont think so, he shouted from behind the bathroom door. Where are we going? she asked, with a blank stare in her eyes. It was difficult for her to encompass all the different responsibilities and challenges that lay ahead of her. Right now, she felt mortified and couldnt bring herself to tell her sisters there was a change of plan. They had prepared so much in terms of food and drinks. It was beyond her to think someone could just overlook all the work put into the preparations. Pulling her hat off, she plunked herself on the bed. She dialed her sisters number with desolation in her

heart. Rita had taken Mandy to her friends boutique to buy the outfit especially for this day. Now she was being denied a chance to share her joy with her family. When would she make her sisters proud? She closed her eyes, her hand on her chest, waiting for Rita to answer the phone; she couldnt help this sick feeling of letting her sisters down after all the work they put in. Hello. Mandy fell silent for a second or two. Stammering, she said, I feel ashamed of myself for letting you guys down. Taking the blame. He has not said a word to me, and I dont know where we are going. Oh! Dont worry about us! Just enjoy your day; we can arrange a family lunch some other time. Rita didnt mean a word of what she was saying, and Mandy knew that her sister was disappointed beyond words. She put the phone down, still wondering what lay ahead. Unaware of what other arrangements had been made, she still hoped her sisters would be there. Maybe it was a surprise party. Keeping her fingers crossed, she tried to cheer herself up, but it was not long before it dawned on her that it was not a celebration party. Mandy felt overdressed. Her mother had always been worried about Mandys future and whether she would meet a good man, she prayed for her daughters happiness but rarely shared her concerns. Mandy swallowed hard holding back tears as she thought about how happy her mother seemed that afternoon. Still not sure why she had entered into this marriage, Mandys hope was to reassure her family she had learnt from her past mistakes.

Chapter 4

Mayas voice suddenly interrupted her thoughts: My goodness, Mandy, you look lost! You need to come here more often, she said, holding her hand, as they crossed the road to find a quiet spot. Lets sit over there, suggested Maya, pointing at a bench near a shady tree. That is too close to that public toilet, Mandy said. Oh, right! Let us walk back to Long Acres, along Independence Avenue, and if we get tired, we could jump onto a minibus. Good exercise! Maya was a pleasant woman and with an aura of good energy around her. Mandy had known her for many years and their relationship was more than just cousins; they had become close friends. They crossed the busy Addis Ababa Road, then, turned left to join the avenue. The sky was clear with just a few white clouds. Although it was a hot day, the heat was neutralised by the cool shade from the mango trees along their pathway. Rows of well-built houses lined the avenue with a display of landscaped gardens with beautiful green grass and swimming pools a road designed and built during colonial times. Part of the road had a row of mango trees and the other part had jacaranda trees, making their walk pleasant, cool and enjoyable. Consular houses with their native flags flapping in the wind brightened up the gardens. A red and white Danish flag that was easy enough to recognise, and it caught Mandys eye; she remembered seeing many of those in Sweden. Most yards had high walls and gates obstructing the view of the whole garden, but the few gates left wide open gave a tantalising view that was envigorating. Mayas husband, Rick, had retired after an airplane accident. He now spent his time writing weekly articles for the African aerodrome magazine. The little money he earned they struggled to survive on. Mandy admired the relationship Maya shared with her husband. They were a couple who spent quality time together, harvesting green maize cobs for their supper and cooking meals together. It was a dependable relationship because the two were inseparable. Their lack of finances did not hamper them

in any way; their love for each other was worth much more than the material things they possessed. As Maya and Mandy walked along, Maya told her that Winston had been to see her and that he was not happy. Mandys heart skipped a beat it was six months into their marriage, and what had she done? Maya paused for a moment; she looked up as she said, He thinks you are very different in your upbringing and that you do strange things. Was it necessary for him to come to you instead of discussing it with me? Mandy asked, almost in tears. She could not hide her disappointment. Maya put her hand on her shoulder, Look at me, Mandy, she said. You are looking after the family very well and there is no need for you to worry. Maya did not go through the long list of things Winston had tabulated and did not say any more. Youve got to understand it traditionally. I introduced him to you; that makes me the middle person. I know you dont like it and I sympathise with you. Mandy felt angry and could not bring herself to look at Maya. If indeed they were having problems, wasnt that reason enough for him to communicate with her? The past six months had been the most difficult. She was trying to run the household with very little or no help at all. He was not interested in any of the suggestions Mandy put forward. One such suggestion was to ask everyone in the family to help out more around the house. The girls would be given the task of cleaning their own bedroom and helping with the dishes. The boys had to complete their homework before watching television and help out in the garden. Mandy could not stand the fact that she had to run around after everyone; maybe that would have been possible if she were dealing with a small family. But she had inherited a family of fifteen. What am I expected to do? she asked Maya after a long spell of silence. Nothing. You cant discuss this with him; youll just have to just do what he wants, Maya replied, shrugging her shoulders. Mandy took a deep breath and tried to think back whether anything out of the ordinary had happened between Winston and her, but she drew a blank. What exactly was her husband talking about? They walked on in silence, each one not knowing what to say.

Mandy could see it was upsetting for Maya to see her look so disturbed because she had talked Mandy into marrying Winston. She knew just how hard Mandy was trying to make that marriage work. Maya was now confronted with the challenge of defining the couples relationship and where she stood as a middle person. She frowned at the thought as she turned briefly to look at Mandy. Occasionally Mandy went out of her way to get Winston his favorite food and drinks. At home, she ran his bath and brought him breakfast in bed. He boasted to his relatives about the good treatment he got, all because he thought how badly Mandy wanted to stay married. That was an unfortunate interpretation. What Mandy did not realize was that it was normal for him to think like that, as he did not understand that affection and caring can be expressed in different ways. This was one topic he did not venture into and that made Mandy think that Winston did not acknowledge his own feelings and those of others around him; if he did, he masked it well. Winstons grievances about Mandy left Maya with many doubts; she thought they were similar to the ones she had heard before when he was married to his first wife. Just why the hell did I introduce him to Mandy? Maya rubbed her chin lightly. Winston, Winston! Maya said to herself. He doesnt seem to know what he wants in life. He is difficult to please, but very easy to annoy. Not a shred of confidence exists in him; if he can find a reason to complain, he certainly will. She sighed. Maya seemed to appreciate her husband even more now, because she realised just how different he was. Her husband, Rick, had survived an airplane crash could that have had an effect on him? As long as it was positive, she was happy. Winston would continue to visit Maya with his problems and dissatisfaction, each time trying to bring out the worst of Mandy. He was not satisfied with her dressing and he strongly felt they were not compatible. Maya had to find a way to stop this without Mandy knowing. Maya thought back to the time when she encouraged Mandy to meet Winston; Mandy had just settled into her new job and found a small place to stay. Her new housemate Joy had a wonderful personality and a good sense of humor. She too thought it would be nice if Mandy met a good man.

Mandy glanced at her watch. I think I need to go home. Yes, I think you do, Maya said. Mandy and Maya parted company that afternoon, both regretting their meeting had brought about bad feelings. It hadnt been Mayas intention and maybe that is why it left her feeling drained. Mandy said goodbye as she got into a taxi. When Mandy arrived home, she looked across to where her husband sat watching television in their bedroom. Hesitating a little, she walked in. Maybe for the sake of peace, she should keep her mouth shut. She knew Winston had to work hard to partition his life so that his wife was excluded from knowing about his past. She also had to be prevented from interfering with the different images of himself he wished to portray to the world. His actions were always carefully thought out and deliberately intended and that was made clear to her each time Mandy questioned his motive behind certain actions. He answered her with precision taking into account her nave view of marriage he knew she possessed. She now had to be better equipped to interpret his actions, because he saw himself as the victim of a bad marriage. She had to find a way to make him examine his conscience. Winston did not want to accept any responsibility, let alone apologise for mistakes that he made. When he came home late, Mandy had no right to ask him where hed been. If he received a phone call, no questions were asked. Messages left on his phone were never topics of discussion. With his anger, he managed to build a shield around himself that was impossible to penetrate. Winston had closed her out of his life completely. But she was answerable to him; she had to account for every action and movement she made. This meant going against tradition and crossing that line. It was hard enough being a stepmother; what else was she expected to do just to get a nod of approval from him? Mandy was shaking with anger, but tried hard to calm herself down. Her anger was more of what his reaction to that meeting would be than of anything else. Winston suddenly got up from his seat as she walked in. So! Where have you been? he demanded. Mandy couldnt look at him; the best she could do was pretend to take her shoes off. That way, he would not be able to see she was not being truthful.

Just went into town to buy some vegetables. She was lying through her teeth. What have you been doing? she asked bravely. Winston suddenly stopped in his tracks; he looked at her, shaking his head. What kind of a question is that? Muttering to himself, he walked out of the room. Clearly, the maid had not passed on the message she had left for him. Life has to go on; slowly she walked to the kitchen, stood by the window and watched as Winston fed their ducks, oblivious of the battle going on inside her. Many times she had had to accept things without a reason. And all that was building up. Taking another quick glance through the window, she made sure he didnt see her; otherwise he would accuse her of spying on him. Mandy put her apron on and then began to prepare the family's evening meal. The clanging sounds could be heard across the house as she nervously dropped kitchen utensils in the process. When the maid came into the kitchen to say she was leaving, Mandy asked her why she had not told Winston she would be late. She said, When I came out he had already left. Never mind, Mandy said. There was no need for her to blame Dorothy. She did what she was asked to do and Mandy appreciated having her around the house. But maybe there was no need for him to know she had met Maya that afternoon. Winston was particular about certain things and not others. Time keeping was very important to him, as were appointments. When he took to something, he expected Mandy to take to that particular thing as well. Mandy could not eat most of the food he liked and that upset him. At times he would suggest they watch television together which she looked forward to, but she couldnt sit through the war films he liked. They didnt seem to find anything in common. Before they got married, Mandys sister Rita had invited her to a Christmas party organized by the bank where Rita worked. And, of course, without thinking, Mandy declined a lift to the party that her sister kindly offered, because she now had a new man in her life. Winston had taken it upon himself to see she got there on time and promised to pick them up after the party. Some African men derive pleasure in providing for their women, mainly because they want to be seen as powerful men by

the material things they provide, but they dont always get it right. The Christmas party was the best she had attended in a long time. It was well organized with plenty to eat, drink, and, of course, good music. Good times dont always come round often. The queue to the toilet was a mile long, which left little room for a last minute dash. She was seated with a couple of cool guys who were trying their luck with Mandy, and she laughed at their silly jokes. Dancing, awards, and a few competitions took up most of that afternoon, and by 18:00 they had had their share of fun for the day. Mandy reminded her sister it was time to get going, because Winston had promised to pick them up at six. Ritas workmates, who seemed to be enjoying their company, protested. Come on, you guys, we can give you a ride home. Just stay and enjoy yourselves, dont be so boring. The party had reached its climax as the blaring and thundering of Rumba music began. The heavy beat was pounding in their shoes, leaving little room not to tap their feet. Rita looked at Mandy, What do you think should we stay? No, Rita! You know Im in a new relationship. I just cant go out and tell him Im staying on! And, besides, said Mandy, its raining and the rain seems to be getting heavier. Reluctantly, Rita said goodbye to her companions. Mandy loved Rumba music; for her to walk out of that room meant very serious business. Outside in the drizzle, Mandy complimented her sister about how cheerful her workmates were and together they dashed through the rain to where Winston was parked, waiting for them. Rita nudged Mandy with her elbow, then whispered, Hes very punctual, making a face. Mandy just gave her a wink as she reached out, intending to open the car door, with Rita right behind her. For the first time since she had met Winston, she felt proud to have a partner who turned up on time. Winston turned to look at them, making instant eye contact with Mandy, and then quickly switched the engine on and drove off, leaving the two women on the pavement. Shocked, wet and in disbelief, Rita turned to Mandy. What was that all about? I dont know maybe he didnt see us.

Rubbish! her sister yelled. He turned to look at us before he drove off. Hes really got cheek, leaving us in this pouring rain! Mandy felt so sheepish that her sister had to spare her for that moment. Going back to the party in that state was not an option. Sopping, they walked down to the main road in the hope of catching a taxi. But, as fate would have it, just as they turned onto the main road, a car screeched to a halt right in front of them, as if the driver was trying to avoid a ditch. At the wheel was Eric, one of the guys from the party. Sticking his head out of the window, he called out to them, What happened to your ride? he teased. This would have been Winstons first meeting with Rita, a good chance for them to get acquainted now look what he just did! She was furious at being let down like that. The ride back home was not pleasant; all the humour from the party had evaporated with the rain. Mandy and her sister sat quietly in the back seat of the car, looking like two drenched chickens, and knowing very well that was good gossip for her workmate. By the time she got home after Eric dropped her sister off, it was pitch black. She fumbled to reach the gate handle and pushed the latch up. Mandy was holding her shoes in one hand; with the other she held on to her drenched skirt, dripping buckets. Wading through their very muddy driveway, she made her way to the little house she shared with Joy, right in the far corner of the huge yard. Comforting, though, to see the house lights on Mandy knew that Joy was home. The cottage they lived in was built as a transit house which the landlord used when he came to the city. It had a huge yard with space to build a bigger house in the future. The cottage had two bedrooms, two toilets and a bath, very ideal for Mandy and Joy. The telephone lay in a small hall in front of the kitchen. Her bedroom, with a window that looked at a very high fence, gave not much of a view. What she needed was a warm bath and a good night's sleep. The mud and grass on her feet was now feeling itchy and uncomfortable. But she was not going to do that until she had given Winston a piece of her mind. Dumping her wet shoes and jacket by the front entrance, she hurriedly dialed Winstons number. Feeling edgy, she looked down at her wet feet; anxiously she waited for someone to pick up the phone. Hello, a deep voice on the other end of the line replied.

How could you do such a stupid thing, driving off and leaving us in the rain? Do you realise just how embarrassing the whole thing was? I dont care, Winston replied in calm voice. Let that be a lesson: whenever you ask me to pick you up, I expect you to be waiting. No one keeps me waiting. And, by the way, never, ever talk to me like that again. And with that, he hung up. This man is going to be my husband in a couple of months and he just hung up on me? She turned around to find Joy looking at her, not at all surprised. Mandy, this man is so full of himself; you need to think this through. It is not going to be easy when you finally tie the knot. Joy was determined to put this across to Mandy as honestly as possible but at the same time being careful not to hurt her feelings in the process. Hes going to change, Joy, dont worry. I will not allow him to treat me like this, Mandy retorted, squeezing water from her shirt onto the floor. Sorry. I will mop that up later. Just feel a little confused at the moment, Mandy apologised, looking at the puddle she had just made. Look, I want you to be happy, but at the same time, youve got to understand that honesty is true friendship and that is why Im telling you. Joy stood looking her straight in the eyes. You are not married to him and he is already treating you like dirt how will he change? Joy was a gentle and slow speaker; patience is all you needed to hear her out. Well this time, it didnt matter how long it took her to say what she had to say, because Mandy was deep in thought. How pathetic and irrational she had become when dealing with issues related to her relationship with Winston. She found everything wrong with that kind of behavior, but she was trying hard to justify his action, by thinking maybe something happened that day, thats why he did what he did, even after talking to him on the phone. There had been absolutely no remorse in his voice and, given the chance, she knew he would repeat what he did. Meanwhile, at the back of her mind, she knew very well that was not the way a man treats a woman, but she was determined to get married; she didnt want to listen to that inner voice. Eagerly, she counted the days before she moved in with Winston.

The sound of the kitchen door closing behind her was startling, bringing Mandy back to the present reality of her married life with Winston. She scuttled around the kitchen to make sure everything was ready. She dished the food out, put it on the table, then walked back to the bedroom. Her legs felt wobbly, as though she had not eaten for days, bound by a strong sense of being watched all the time. She despised walking along the long passage that led to and from their bedroom. Mornings and evenings, she could feel the eyes of imaginary spectators, curiously waiting to see what lay behind her bedroom door. It was like opening a new menace each time she touched that door handle.

Chapter 5

The round table 1992 In Africa there is a time when people feel most relaxed. It is after the heat of the day when the power of the African sun starts to lose some of its ferocity and turns from a yellowy-white to orangey-red. It is after people have finished work but require a diversion before returning home. This time is the early evening when friends can meet and share stories. As the equator runs through Africa, this time unfortunately does not last long. Darkness soon follows and minds begin to turn towards their owners domestic situation. Tracks are made, minibuses hailed down, lifts sought and cars driven. Although it is brief, it is good while it lasts. It was at this time when Mandy and her workmates walked to a nearby club for a drink. They had to traverse a field opposite the large Community School where they all worked. In the wet season their heads would have barely been seen above the grass but now it was just dry, dusty and brown. Bubbly and happy they cracked jokes as they walked along a well-worn footpath through the clubs field. Mandy, Joyce, Rachel, Marjory had been working at the school for many year. Rick and Madu joined the school about a year ago. Still they awaited letters confirming their employment and what exactly their role was but at least had the good humour to openly joke about the schools lack of efficiency.

As they approached the club buildings, a bungalowlike structure that looked run down due to lack of proper maintenance, came into view. During the 1970s the club had made a name for itself, frequented by Air Force officers and other prominent people living in the capital. Then it would have been impossible for them to even attempt to cross the field without being stopped, let alone enter the buildings. At that time membership was difficult to attain thereby leaving only exclusive members to enjoy the facilities that the club offered but times had changed.

Outside the main club building were concrete stools and tables; and next to these were rows of old braii stands that were available for patrons to use. Behind from where they sat was an outdoor kitchen that now served local meals. The main club house had a bar with a large dance floor situated in the middle, whilst to the side of it were two other rooms one of which was a small sit down bar. The other had been sealed off. They always sat outside and today was no exception as they arranged themselves around a circular table and looked back at the field they had just walked across. The sun was just going down as they ordered their first drink. Staring out at the large warm orange ball as it slowly made its way down the horizon was relaxing after a long day at school. If they had arrived an hour earlier it would have been much too hot to sit out there without shelter. Rachel, Joyce and Rick were engaged in an unusual conversation that was beginning to grasp the attention of others around the table. Rachel laughed yet again as she gave Rick another pat on his back.

Welcome to the club Rachel said to him. Dont you think my wife is overreacting a little? Rick responded. Mind you I would kick your butt, really I would. How can you explain the fact that another woman had just shaven off your pubic hair? Come on! Its not like getting a haircut. She mocked. The conversation was not difficult to follow but rather delicate, taking into account the time and place. She has every right to be upset. Madu joined in. It seemed so normal a discussion to have and no one seemed ruffled, one by one they all joined in. They took turns to order drinks and food except for the birthday girl who seemed to be enjoying her birthday treat.

Mandy sat there actually admiring their openness and how they tried to solve an issue that shouldnt be solved in that way. It was a group built on genuine friendship and not the jobs they did or the tribe they belonged to. As for the alleged victim, he laughed lightly at his stupidity but at the same time tried to find a real

solution to the problem he now faced. The fact that everyone at the table was married saw no reason for any under wraps about certain traditional facts regardless of gender. The more they all got into that topic, the more the beer flowed, and the more they drank the more humorous it became. Everyone was now laughing so much it was practically impossible not to. Tears of laughter rolled down their cheeks as they unmindfully released their own tension.

Okay, listen here. Madu said between laughter. Tell us how it happened. Maybe that will tell us if indeed your wife is being unfair to you. Hey its not a big deal. Remember Charity my exgirlfriend from the downtown shop? We had a few drinks together and before I knew it, one thing led to another. I shouldnt have spent a night at her place but believe me, we had one too many and there was no way I could have made it home in that state, without being mugged.he said with a serious expression on his face. What I dont seem to remember is what time she shaved me. Rick said shrugging his shoulders. Why are you leaving the juicy part out? Madu said, obviously enjoying this. When I woke up in the early hours of the morning I quickly got dressed and left, cursing to myself. Guys, it was so early I was the only man on the mini bus, apart from the women with buckets, metal basins and sacks going out to order vegetables and fish for the market. Wifey was fast asleep, so I got into bed thinking maybe Im early enough to get away with this. Rachel laughed before she said, You really think she was asleep? How can you do such a stupid thing? The stench from the fish on the bus would have been enough to wake her up. Think of the shock of seeing her husbands clean shaven assets. I was busy thinking about what to say to her but couldnt come up with an excuse good enough to fit the crime. Mandy was dying with curiosity at this time and couldnt wait.

But how did your wife find out? Mandy asked. The silence that suddenly followed was obvious and then everyone busted into laughter. Mandy are you serious? Joyce asked her, That is bound to happen. Well she stammered realizing that this may be a stupid question but was not in fact for her. The group had invited her out on previous occasions but she declined the invitation knowing her husband expected her to go home on time. Today she was happy she had joined that jovial group as it turned out to be an interesting evening. The debate raged on as they devoured the topic with aggression scrutinizing all the details before calling it a night. Make sure you go straight home. Madu joked with Marjory and Mandy as they walked back to the school car park. Marjory couldnt help asking Mandy if really she didnt know these things happened in modern marriages. Marjory, I dont know, just look how stupid I appeared asking all the wrong questions. Mandy said later. Do things like that really happen? Why would a woman shave a man without his consent? Mandy asked, looking puzzled. Shes trying to send a silent message to his wife, with that evidence, how can he deny it? I even know that Rachels husband insists on buying her underwear and keeps a record of which pair she is wearing on a certain day. Marjory explained to her. She seemed a little shy as she explained all this to Mandy on their way home. After dropping Marjory off, Mandy drove home still thinking about the discussion. So if my husband came home like that it meant?

Living in a society where male and female waxing parlours are non-existent, waxing is an intimate tradition practiced normally by couples. Rick left the round table that evening knowing exactly what he needed to do in order to save his young marriage.

Mandys husband was in the sitting room watching TV when she got home, still miles away trying to figure out what her workmates were on about.

Make sure you lock the car, he called out to her as she locked the front door. Mandy did as she was told, then went off had a shower and went straight to bed. Just as she was about to doze off Mandys husband Winston walked into the bedroom. Where have you been? he asked. I went to the round table with a few friends. Mandy answered in a sleepy voice. Which friends? He went on. Just the usual crowd, I didnt think it would go on for this long; sorry, I should have called. This time, Mandy responded with her eyes closed. Why did you rush into the bathroom to have a shower, are you trying to efface something? In future please do not display suspicious behaviour when you come home late. he warned. The ferocity in his voice was alarming. Im not in the mood for an argument, she thought. Mandy chose not to respond thereby ending the argument even before it begun. That night she went to bed thinking. What suspicious behaviour?

Chapter 6 December 1960

Winston in the city

At the age of seven, Winston had left his home village to live with uncle Temba, leaving his mother alone with no one to fend for her. It was a difficult time for the family; Winston couldnt help how he felt about his father. The disheartening cry from his mother lamenting each night made him want to grow up quickly and take revenge. But now that he was in his uncles care, he might never get the chance to live with his mother again. The city was a big place for a small boy his age, unlike the village, where he could wander off when he wished and still find his way home. Winston was, however, enjoying his new life in the city. He had learned a few words of English, availing him the chance to communicate with his peers. As much as he enjoyed watching television, he struggled to understand the English language. But slowly he began to follow the action and the drama in front of him; day in and day out he recited adverts. He used these adverts to communicate, to the amusement of his peers. What astonished Winston the most was that his friends all had small bicycles of their own. Back in the village, bicycles were treasured and not used as toys. Each day he sat by the road bridge, eyes filled with envy as the children rode their bikes around. If only uncle Temba would buy him a small bicycle! But that wish was too far-fetched; uncle Temba struggled to raise money to buy school uniforms, shoes and books for eleven children. Probably even the thought of buying one of the children a bicycle never crossed his mind. Tembas monthly earnings were equivalent to a hundred dollars. Accommodation was provided by the oil company, as well as a subsistence allowance paid to him when he travelled to chair meetings in the different cooperative societies. He was struggling to put food on the table, but his pride went before an admission to his relatives that things were really tough.

Winston continued to desperately want a bicycle more than anything else in the world and couldnt think of any logical explanation why he couldnt have one. If given a choice over education, it would surely have been a bicycle. But, being an enigmatic kind of person, Winston never shared his hearts desire with anyone, not even with his mother when she visited him. He made sure his mother did not ascertain how much he missed village life and how he longed to be back with his friends, swimming in the river. His favorite place in uncle Tembas house, was on the floor by the living room door. From there he watched The Lone Ranger and Skippy, the Bush Kangaroo, oblivious to the sunset rays shining through the living room window, making the black and white TV screen glow an orange-yellowish colour. The atmosphere created by all those little bodies squashed in a small room was stuffy and unavoidable; because that was the only time they were accorded the chance to watch their favorite TV programmes. Shortly after, theyd all be ushered out, as soon as the television show was finished. His aunt Miriam rarely went into the living room at these times. When she did, she would urge Winston to sit on a chair with the other children, but he never responded or even looked up at her. Eventually she gave up because she realised he preferred sitting by the door. She did wonder at times about what went through Winstons mind; he lacked any form of emotional expression, except the adverse expression of anger. And in an attempt to cool himself down during these bouts, he threw things around and shouted abuse at the culprit. Miriam was quick to think about her own husbands upbringing and wondered if in some ways Winstons temper was hereditary, as she could see this little trait in Winston that made her think of Temba. It was another night of fighting and unhappiness. Alone in a corner, Winston covered his ears in the hope of blocking out the cry for help coming from the bedroom, as Miriam pleaded to Temba to let her go. Please, Temba, she begged, desperately. The children watched helplessly as uncle Temba dragged his wife by her hair into the bedroom, knowing exactly what was in store for her. Tension in the house could be felt even before their uncle arrived, the children sitting, waiting anxiously, each one praying for their mums quick return. These were confusing times for

Winston. He did not enjoy staying in the city, because in his mind he couldnt understand what the dispute was all about. Of course, that evening Aunt Miriam had not returned on time from the market, and Temba had warned his wife about coming home late. Miriam normally made sure to be home before he came back from work, but at times it just couldnt be helped. Violence in homes is normally not reported. Quietly, she tended to her wounds in the secrecy of her home, hoping she would not incur more bruises before those healed. During these fights, no one ever dared to come to her aid; that was not what was done. It was treated as a marital right for the husband to beat his wife if he felt dissatisfied with her behavior. Indeed, the neighbours could hear the cries for help, as the houses were close to each other, divided only by a wall. Yes, poverty played a role in Miriams suffering and her tolerance to domestic violence. A lack of skills and education left little room for her to stand up for her rights. Unfortunately, she was brought up traditionally to believe that if she disobeyed her husband, the consequences were inevitable. She cherished what her grandmother had taught her and followed all the rules of marriage religiously. If your husband did not beat you, it meant he did not love you enough. So to her that was a good sign of love. Miriam was very obedient to her upbringing and understood that treating her husband with respect was the essence of a good marriage. She could not devour a meal in the absence of her husband. When her husband came home late, she would wake up, and both would share a meal together. Meanwhile, an extra secret meal was set aside for him and given to him later in the confines of their bedroom. To remember all these things came with an acquired interest, so the more she practiced, the better she became. This habit became so ingrained that not kneeling down when serving her husband with food felt awkward to her. Apart from that, all the house meals were planned according to what her husbands taste buds demanded. Miriam went to every length in order to preserve that institution, as marital failure would mean she was a failure in life and could not hold her head up when she walked the streets of Lusaka. She spent her mornings cooking vegetables in a groundnut sauce and roasting fresh tilapia fish on an open fire, just to delight her husband. When the cooking was done, she would take out the washing, sit in the garden near the water tap and sing her way through the familys washing, leaving her

hands all blistered, and with an aching back. At times, she felt the effort she put into her marriage was not appreciated, but to hold the title of Mrs. Temba was more important to her. Being a typical African man, Temba was traditional to the core and expected the best treatment to be showered down on him. To reciprocate the good treatment he got from his wife was demeaning to his status. He was a man with a temper and a bad heart; he literally lived on pills and not once in his life had he ever touched alcohol. His rules were ruthless and without reason or consideration of consequence, but his wife took to them because she had no other choice. In many ways, Miriam had to endure her husbands wrath, praying that one day he would wake up a changed man and they would put all their fights behind them. Unfortunately, that was not going to transpire in that lifetime; she could see he was getting worse as he grew older. Relieved that the burden of educating her children had been taken over by her brother, Winstons mother stayed in the village, growing vegetables that she took to the market to sell. Every evening she sat by the door of her hut and watched the sun go down, praying for her childrens well-being. Anxiously, she waited to raise enough money to travel to the city. When Winstons mother travelled, she and her brother would sit down and Temba would proudly tell her how well Winston was doing at school. He assured his sister it was his responsibility to look after the children. Temba loved his sister and did everything possible to make her happy; after all, she was the only sister he had. Meanwhile, secretly Temba continued to look for his brother-in-law, and, if they ever crossed paths, vowed to teach him a lesson. His sister, Mary, was the first to get married; being the only girl in the family, they went out of their way to make her traditional wedding a success. Sixteen years old at the time, Temba could still recall Mary beaming with joy. That thought brought about fury now. They had invested all they had into that wedding: goats and chickens were slaughtered, drums of finger millet brew were served and the celebrations went on for days, making it a much-talked-about occasion to the villagers. After Winstons younger sister Mimi was born, Winstons father fell out with his wifes family. He disliked working in his father-inlaws field and felt he was being over-worked. Dissatisfied with living in the village, he deserted his wife and children and headed

back to the city without a word to anyone. He took with him Winstons elder brother, Egan, who was only four years old at the time. Both vanished like the sun at dusk.

Tembas wife Miriam stood by the kitchen window watching as Winston pulled weeds out of the vegetable beds. He was fascinated at the gush of water that came through the garden hose, so unlike water he collected from the village stream. He looked at the hose wondering how the water got there. Winston spent a good part of his time in the family vegetable patch. Without a hint to anyone, Winston missed his mother dearly and often felt that maybe if he had stayed with his mother back in the village, his desires would have been fulfilled. Little did Winston know then that he was lucky to be able to acquire an education that most children from his village could not have. Understandably, life in the village was different and worth missing; he thought about the times when he and his friend had gone into the forest to kill birds and trap moles. Other times they went swimming in the river, and on their way back, stopped to dig up potatoes from abandoned fields for their evening snack. Later they sat around a fire listening to folk tales as they prepared roasted mole with sweet potatoes. A life he was born into and a life that was so natural for him. Across from them, elderly men and women sat around another fire in an open insaka (a thatched-grass open shelter) drinking traditional beer and sniffing snuff and often after a few gulps the drumming would begin. Women mostly did singing and dancing, while men clapped and cheered. That of course, did not mean the village men could not dance. Men were far better dancers than some of the village women and were secretly admired by the women folk. For the village women, to possess a flexible waist was desirable for the art of lovemaking. Winston and the boys imitated and developed their own dancing skills in the hope of one day taking over from the elders when they finally graduated to the insaka after puberty. Before Winston left the village, his mother had stopped attending the evening sundown where all would partake in drinking and merrymaking. She now preferred to stay at home. The unfortunate disappearance of Winstons father brought about shame and disappointment to the family name. People speculated because no one was willing to openly discuss the matter, thereby opening it up to all

kinds of unwanted rumours. It was a daunting time for her, to suddenly lose a husband but knowing very well he was still alive and being a father to other children. Sitting by the door of her hut, Winstons mother watched the night go by, wondering what would become of her children. Her quiet withdrawal from village activities and her diminishing interaction with members of her clan left unresolved queries in the minds of many. Inwardly, she fought a deep-set unconscious feeling of not being woman enough to retain a husband. It was also the interpretation of others, who looked down on her misfortune with scorn. They swung their bottoms gracefully as they walked by her, sending a silent message of I still have my man, but at the same time, pretending to acknowledge her presence by saying, Good morning, Mama Winston. The days grew darker and darker for Winstons mother. What had she done to deserve this? She was weak and tired due to lack of sleep and proper food. Each night, she crawled out of her hut into the dark cold night, wary that her sleeping children might hear her sobbing. There, she lay down on the cold dump ground and cried to her hearts content: Dear God, she whispered. How can I even begin to understand you? She got onto her knees and looked up at the stars. All I see is darkness and all I feel is sadness and fear. She clutched her breasts as she hung her head down. Where is the light? Oh God! Where is my strength? She cried. My heart feels cold and distant; my days have become long and lifeless. Help me endure these difficult times that I may cherish each passing day. Winstons mother lay down on the cold ground, her hands clutched in prayer. I have nothing to look forward to but your love. I long for your healing hand and the strength to carry on. Yes, I long for the day when I can smile again. Silently she lay there for a while, breathing lightly. But, I will always thank you for allowing me to hurt, as that is the only way I can heal myself. I will embrace each and every passing day and thank you for my sadness for I know you are a God of love. Who will help me grow food for my children? That was her final thought that night as she drifted off to sleep. His mother felt more and more isolated and alone. She cried and prayed for an answer because she believed that was not her destiny. That night she had a dream: She was in her maize field weeding her crop when she suddenly looked up and realised how well her crop was doing. Amazed at the size

of her field, she climbed up a tree just to see how far the field went. The field was enormous and had the best crop she had ever seen. With satisfaction in her heart, she descended. Picking up her hoe, she began to pack up for the day. Suddenly, from behind her, a herd of wild dogs barking loudly were heading in her direction. Grabbing her tools, she took to her heels. The wild dogs pursued her until she lost all hope of getting away, when suddenly she took off like a plane. Gliding over the ground, she marveled at that never-ending field. Just as she was beginning her descent, she woke up. Winstons mother was filled with fresh hope, and each night she sat outside her hut and she visualised that endless field in her dream. Winstons mother Mary lived in a culture that believed that ancestral spirits had an influence on their daily lives. That dream was a sign of better things to come. People in the village were sympathetic and tried to help Winstons family, since they all went to the same small village congregation. But after a while, their help dwindled and as the days went by. Each night Winston heard his mother crying and vowed to take vengeance if he ever met his father again.

At his new school in the city Winston continued to excel but at the same time grew very distant and unhappy; the older he became, the angrier he felt and he declared he would never speak to his father again. How could a father abandon his own flesh and blood? he thought over and over again. Winston was not old enough to understand then that if he did not let go of these feelings, that question would haunt him for the rest of his life.

Chapter 7

November 1970

Winston finishes school

When Winston completed school, he went to a local university. Temperamental, he continued to seek love and attention. His quest showed up through imaginary illnesses as he forcibly threw up any undesired food. The university medical officer knew there was nothing wrong with him, but nevertheless he was put on a special diet. That was attention enough for him. Other students admired his good fortune as he proudly walked around the dining room with a plate of rice custard. Winstons character remained the same; he did not socialise, and rarely spoke to his friends. When it was study time, he found a quiet spot where he sat alone. As a law student, he studied diligently, handing in all his assignments on time and making himself known as a serious student without a social life. Winston had set high standards for himself; nothing was going to stand in his way. Often his roommate would persuade him to attend a campus disco organized by the student council, which he found a waste of his valuable time. Winston spent his time in the library instead, wearing an oversized jacket and pants given to him by his uncle. He walked up and down the university grounds, carrying heavily-bound law textbooks to his favorite lakeside reading spot and, finally, back to his room at nightfall. The strain on his arms and upper body worked in his favor; the more he continued with this trend, the more muscles he built. At night, he listened to short stories broadcast to a small Philips radio that had a wire tied between his windows burglar bars and the radios aerial for better reception, a tip he had learned from Uncle Temba. When he was not reading, he carried his little radio around with him, placed at his ear. This earned him the nickname, Scarecrow, because of his oversized secondhand clothes and his roommate they called Little Chichi. Winston was only two months into college when the devastating news of the death of Uncle Temba came to him.

Temba had met with a tragic accident and had died on the spot. Winston sat on his small campus bed, staring at the metal locker in front of him. How he longed to show his uncle how much he appreciated what he had done for him! Damn! Why didnt he wait till I finished college? he thought. All those years spent with Temba, but he never had had the chance to build a close relationship with him and now he was gone. At the end of each school term Winston would present his uncle with his end-of-term report. He read it with a smile on his face and then looked down at him. One day you will be like me; you will make your mother proud. Temba knew that his family looked up to him because he had a good job and an education. He had managed to break the family cycle of being village dwellers that lacked an education. He was truly proud of what Winston had achieved so far, coming from a village that had only one educated man. A couple of times, Temba had visited Winston at the university. He had talked to him about the importance of keeping family ties and ways to help educate the less privileged relatives so that, gradually, they would have more educated people in the family. It was during one of these visits that Temba happened to confess to Winston that he had finally caught up with Winstons father. Winstons father had been on the run for many years, all in the hope of trying to avoid relatives. His father was too old to run anymore. Temba did not go into details of their meeting, leaving behind a very curious Winston. As Temba left, he had said, When you are on holiday, Id like you to visit your father and maybe you and he can talk things over. His uncle had confronted his father about deserting his sister. Temba was not going to confer with Winston about the shocking revelation that that meeting produced. It was important for Winston to meet with his father. Winston took his jacket out from the metal locker, and then locked it with a small silver padlock. He didnt need to pack for the funeral as he had left a few of his clothes at home. It was as though Temba had brought closure to his life. Winston walked down a flight of stairs leading from the university sleeping quarters, continued along the dusty pathway leading to the university bus stop along Great East Road, and boarded a mini bus to the city centre. He had left a

note for little Chichi on the table, telling him he would be away for a few days. Winstons roommate, Chichi, was confident and funny. But he was not at all a serious learner, so he relied heavily on Winston for his assignments and that was mostly what their relationship was about. Winston liked him because he listened to him; when he went home, he brought back good food for them to share, and so their friendship became stronger and stronger. On that fateful day, Temba was on his way to the airport to meet some dignitaries. He had asked his wife to prepare an early breakfast so that he was in time for the early morning British Airways flight from London. Grumpy and unhappy after her offer to accompany him was turned down, she fried some bread dipped in egg. Temba was going to be having lunch with the visitors, preceded by a business meeting. She cursed him for not availing her a chance to spend time with him, but promptly he drove off that morning, thinking maybe it would be a good idea to take Miriam out for a meal later that evening. Temba appreciated his wife even though he couldnt bring himself to tell her so, and for sure he knew that when he came home a good meal would be waiting for him. Temba did not make it to the airport that morning. Having underestimated the distance of an approaching car, he accelerated to overtake a truck ahead of him. Rolling at full speed was a four-wheeled Land Cruiser. The driver in the cruiser looked in his rear view mirror at all the cars behind him. On the left hand side was a group of school children and row of women selling vegetables. He closed his eyes as he heard the sound of the airbag open violently and the crashing of metal. At that moment, Temba knew, he had reached a point of no return, and his entire life manifested before him. In desperation he tried hard to brake, but, the collision was unavoidable and immediately the car started to roll over. In a distance he could hear women screaming and someone trying to kick his door open.

Miriam and the children gave Temba a good funeral, reading passages of praise for a man who had made an impact in their lives, both positive and negative. Winstons dream of taking his uncle to Mauritius for a holiday was sadly buried, but not forgotten. Miriam felt lost and alone. She missed Tembas firm hand and the fights they had. She suffered from harsh

words and name-calling from Tembas relatives, and that brought about a division between her children and her nieces, and nephews. His relatives thought Miriam had caused his death due to witchcraft, while her relatives thought it was an accident. Fighting between the two factions continued even after the burial. Winston was of two minds: he wanted to support Miriam, but felt it would be letting his uncle down, so he stood with his relatives. In parts of Africa, death comes with suspicion of black magic. The remaining spouse suffers condemnation as all their faults and weaknesses are brought to light. Old grudges and wounds are opened up deliberately in the hope of showing the world how bad a person they were. Family members of the deceased struggle to benefit from the little earnings left by the dead person. Children born outside the matrimonial home begin to appear from nowhere. There are more problems when someone dies than when they are born. Its an unfortunate time, when a widow or widower kicks themself over and over again, asking the same question: Was my marriage worth all this trouble? as all the bills and monies owed to people are brought to the attention of the mourning spouse. Temba did not share the family finances with his wife; she had no idea how much he earned or how much he owed and thus, Miriams house was stripped bare. Relatives helped themselves to furniture and household goods, leaving her with nothing but a broken heart and seven mouths to feed. From her kitchen veranda she watched as they picked the last vegetables from her little patch that had now withered due to lack of water during the funeral. It was not as if she had the most expensive chairs and household goods. That did not matter at all--they took whatever they could lay their hands on. In the middle of her small living room she stood looking at the dirty floor, dusty from days of not cleaning due to a constant flow of mourners walking in and out. Miriam walked towards a pile of blankets she had earlier left piled up in a corner of the room. Legs crossed, she sat down, leaning on a pillow that lay on top of the pile of blankets. That had become her sleeping space for the past month since her husband had died. She closed her eyes as tears rolled down her face. She loved her husband and there was nothing anyone could do to her that would change that. After the funeral, Miriam was depressed. She struggled to make ends meet and, in the process, found herself in short-term relationships that only added to her misery. Desperate to feed her children, she accepted

favours from strange men, putting herself deeper and deeper into their debt, and further and further away from her late husbands relatives. She was vulnerable and easy to take advantage of; her spare time was spent in bars and local drinking places. Often she was found in shops asking for money, pretending to raise money for the poor. She was involved in conning unsuspecting people and was in and out of the police station. Slowly, without her knowing it, her status diminished. Soon she was no longer the respected Mrs. Temba everyone had looked up to. The children despised their mothers behavior, hoping she would get help from social welfare, but that did not happen. Finally, she was taken to the village and there she remained with no money and no means to fend for herself. Where had she gone wrong? Miriam had lived her life for her husband and children. Temba did not protect her nor safeguard her future. He did not confide in her about their home finances, so she had no idea how to earn a living. Winston went back to university, this time an even more somber and detached student. Having no home to go back to, he stayed on campus during holidays. A couple of times he went to Chichis parents home. They knew Winston and were thankful he shared a room with their son. Winston felt this loss more than he had felt when he was separated from his mother. He had had confidence in Temba and he knew his uncle would protect him as he counted the days till he graduated. Winstons first job was in a small town on the Copper Belt, where his older brother and wife lived. Moving in with them meant contributing to the household expenses. Winstons brother, Egan, was a humble and religious man. Although he had a large family to support, he could not turn down his homeless brothers plea for shelter while he searched for a job. He also forewarned his wife about getting into arguments with his young brother. Egans wife, Mary, was not as tolerant as her husband and Mary refused to be treated like a wife by Winston. Egan hardly knew Winston; he had left the village with his father years before and did not communicate with any of his siblings. That was his chance to get to know Winston, but Mary did not help the situation at all. She yelled abuse at Winston, telling him, If you want someone to order around, get yourself a wife! Marys life became a nightmare as Winston continued to demand special meals and privileges. Some meals, like

weekend breakfasts, were served in his bedroom. It was like living in a shanty suburb resort with a communal toilet. All the while, Mary blamed her husband for being too soft; if she had her way, she would have thrown Winston out onto the street just to teach him a lesson. Fortunately enough for the couple, Winston got a job and moved back to the city. He now had a company car and a house. This was the moment he had been waiting for, and he could finally invite his mother to come and live with him. Excited, he sat down to write a letter to his mother: Dear mother, it is now seventeen years since I left the village with uncle Temba. I appreciate everything Uncle did for me. Shortly before he died, he managed to meet with my father, and the two seemed to have ironed things out. Details of that visit were not disclosed to anyone. Although I had promised him that I would make an effort to bring that chapter of my life to a close, it will be a very difficult thing to fulfill. Over the years you have been begging my father for forgiveness over something that was not your fault. You did not bring unhappiness to your children; you tried to provide whatever little you had. Each night you prayed and lamented for our fathers sins. Mother, you did nothing wrong. Many times the thought of dropping out of school crossed my mind, as being away from you was challenging. But a voice inside of me urged me on for your sake. I still visualise you outside the hut, crying under the stars. I vowed to myself that one day I would bring a smile to your face. Mother, I am now prepared to answer to all your desires. I have graduated from university and now have a good job that pays well. Please come to the city. But you must promise me one thing: you will not in any way try to get in contact with my father during your stay with me. I will make all the necessary arrangements for your travel. Your son, Winston It was a dream come true for Winstons mother. All the memories came flooding back to her as she finished reading the letter. Her prayers had finally been answered. She looked up at her run-down thatched kitchen hut. A handful of free-range chickens scratched in the dry earth for food. At the end of the path that led to

the forest was the last row of sweet potatoes ready to be dug up. There was nothing left for her in this village. She had waited for years in the hope of one day seeing her husband walk up the forest path. But months had turned to years and still there was no sign of him. This would be her chance to see her long lost love; not even her son could stand in her way. Pulling out her dusty metal case, she began to pack the few belongings that she had. Wiping the dust off an old black and white photograph she had taken with her husband, she smiled with tears in her eyes. How could her son say she couldnt see him again? she thought, staring intently at the photograph. Carefully, she placed the picture in her small Victorian handbag given to her by Temba as a present when he came back from England. In it were other photographs of Temba at Oxford where he had studied. Mary sat down on the edge of the bed, wondering how things would be in the city without her brother.

Chapter 8

November 1993

Night out

The cool morning breeze blew water from the garden sprinkler towards the patio. It was a clear, warm morning with blue skies and a sweet smell of fruits and flowers lingering in the air. The clear November morning was opening up its skies for the long rainy season ahead of it. By the patio, a mango tree heavily laden with fruit was swarming with small chirping birds. Underneath that tree the grass was covered with evenly distributed droplets of water. Mandy woke up that morning feeling she had had a good sleep. After a quick shower, she went to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. She cooked some eggs and made some toast. Then she boiled the kettle and put the breakfast on the table before she went in to invite Winston to join her. Mandy was miles away, still thinking about the discussion she had had with Maya. She had to let it go in the hope that one day Winston would reflect and learn from his mistakes. The question was, when? Why did Maya listen to him anyway? Mandy guessed it was hard to say no to a cousin. Having breakfast on the patio together did not happen often. Hopefully, that could lead to better communication, and Mandy would persevere. She leaned back in her chair as she watched him read the Sunday paper, wondering if it was the right time to talk to him. Winston seemed in a good mood that morning, but temperamental as he was, it was difficult to read him. Most mornings she did not know what to expect. He lay awake for hours without saying a word; meanwhile, she waited for him tell her what he wanted for breakfast and lunch. Being given the days menu was an indication of a good day. Mandy continued to weigh her odds as she sipped on her tea. Putting her cup down, she said, What are your plans for the afternoon?

Casually looking up from the newspaper, he said, No! And his eyes went back to what he was reading. Mandy was so transparent; he could read her like a book. I really miss my friends and relatives; Ive not seen them in a long time. She was pushing her luck. Winston threw the newspaper down on the table and took his glasses off. Mandy, if you want this marriage to work, youve got to listen to me and do exactly what I tell you to. I do not want you to visit your friends. I do not want you to attend kitchen parties. When women get together, they get up to all kinds of things. Winston stood up and thrust his hands into his pockets, clearly upset. I do not want you to be brainwashed by these women talking about how badly they treat their husbands. Of late, she seemed to have broken her ties with all her relatives and friends; they were not welcome to come to visit, and therefore she could not accept any invitations as well. What was the reason behind her not being allowed to associate with her friends? Mandy was not interested in how other women treated their husbands. What was his fear? Was it the fear of losing control over her? Mandy frowned at the thought. The kitchen parties Ive been to, they talk about how to look after husbands properly, she explained. Winston sat down and picked up the paper. Now, you wanted to know my opinion well, thats what I think: moral decay in our society is spreading like wild fire. Your friends have no place in this house. One other valuable lesson: I come first. The explanation she had been looking for didnt seem convincing enough. Winston had never attended a kitchen party; all that information was just hearsay. It was disappointing enough to learn what he thought about friendship. What kind of a life was that going to be for her, without friends and social circles? Although Mandy enjoyed her own company, she also enjoyed going out once in a while. Occasionally, she was allowed to spend an afternoon with her mother, but details of the visit had to be reported back to him. Men had all the power in traditional marriages, but what was to be done about it? Mandy sat there staring out into the garden. Clearly, he was not going to allow her to visit that afternoon, which in turn spoilt her morning. Irate, she got up, and angrily pulled the newspaper from Winstons grip. You are pathetic in your selfish quest to get

what you want. You treat me like I have no feelings! Everyone has to dance to your tune. Not even your sisters can stand up to you! Pushing the breakfast table aside, she threw the paper on top of the breakfast remains and stormed into the house. Behind her she could hear a teacup break, which might have rolled off the table from weight of the newspaper. Their deteriorating relationship did not bother Winston at all; in fact, the less they spoke, the happier he was. He believed a woman should be seen and not heard in the literal sense. Under normal circumstances, Winston left for work each morning, told Mandy that he would see her at 17:30, and that he did. His rule was not to go to the bar like other men did before coming home to check if all was well. Winston made reference to uncle Temba all the time. He eulogized him as a man with authority, who was feared by all, and said it with humility. His inner passion was to become like his uncle and nothing was going to stand in his way. The only grudge held against his uncle was his failure to buy him a bicycle and, as such, he had never learnt to ride a bicycle. But, how important could that be? Mandy paid heavily for her utterances, and each passing day she chewed every word with grief. She slept on their bedroom floor at the foot of the bed and had her shower in the shared bathroom with the rest of the family. She was not welcome at the dinner table with Winston, so she had her meals on the patio, which she actually enjoyed. But what got to her was the length of time she had to endure that kind of treatment. It went on for weeks, until a time when Maya had to reprimand Winston when she happened to come to visit. His withdrawal of affection and sexual deprivation was a way of punishing her. But that only made the already fragile relationship even weaker. She kept busy by watching television and reading. Her favourite books were romance novelsmaybe it was comforting for her to live in the moment. Good sex and humour, stories of bad relationships that had a happy ending. Over and over, she kept reading and continued to live a lie, forgetting who and where she was. Mandys fear of making mistakes and being told off grew by the day. She became acquainted to a daily routine of looking after the family and cooking for her husband without feeling at home in her own house. Winston did not show respect or affection for her, thus showing the children that he did not care. Her stepchildren and dependents found a niche and they too

told her to leave the house, calling her a homeless bitch. Winston spent the day watching television in the bedroom, as did all the children and dependents. They spread out on the living room floor and on some chairs, waiting for their next meal. Her place was outside on the small patio; there she sat reading and preparing her lessons for the next day, immensely enjoying the breeze. Under normal circumstances, Winston and Mandys meals prepared by the maid were served in the family dining room, adjacent to the sitting room; the large room had double glass doors leading out to the small patio, and a large window overlooking the garden. The meals served in that room were consumed in total silence; they sat there as though they were strangers to each other. The atmosphere in the room spoiled the beauty and the very essence of what that room was designed for. At the table she felt as though every move was scrutinised; she could literally hear the sound of her own food going down her gullet. Occasional attempts to lean over to get the salt cellar always led to a disaster, either knocking a glass over or dropping the serving spoon. The tension in the room was tense enough to float a spoon mid-air. How she wished she could change that tradition, but as much as she wanted to, Winston was too set in his ways. She stood by the kitchen door admiring their back yard that was covered in fruit trees, the gardener having raked the leaves in a heap to be burnt later. Boarding mistress was her childhood nickname, given to her by her father. Mandy smiled as all her childhood memories came flooding back. Mandy had been an active young girl in their household. She had learnt how to bake and cook at a very young age and that earned her that nickname, but now, when she cooked for Winston, he mashed it up and fed it to the dogs. The first time it happened she was left dumbfounded. Mandy couldnt believe it! She beckoned to her cousin Mwape, who had come to live with them due to Mandys persistence. Mwape joined her by the window. They had both stood there, gaping in total disbelief. It was the evening after the row on the patio. Without thinking, she ran outside and tried to grab the plate from him. How can you be so unreasonable? There are starving children at the servants quarters! Winston did not utter a word; he just walked past her, almost knocking her over. Mandy followed him into the living room and

stood over him, trying to get justification for his behavior, when from the corner of her eye, she could see his nieces and nephews, standing by their bedroom doors, listening in. That happened all the time when they got into an argument; details were quickly relayed back to Winstons relatives, so nothing in that household was a secret. She had to back down, because the last thing she wanted was to give her little dependents something to talk about. As the months went by, Mandy was finding it more and more difficult to eat; she thought the food had a funny taste to it and the smell of fried foods put her off meals completely, a perfect excuse not to join Winston at the dinner table. Confirming her suspicion, the doctor told her she was twelve weeks pregnant. Consumed by dread, she drove home from the clinic, thinking how best to break the news to Winston. What would his reaction be? Regardless of her fear, she had to tell Winston immediately, as later would only bring misery into their already limping marriage. Sex is something all couples have, and that does not necessarily have a bearing on a good or bad relationship, Mandys traditional marriage counsellor had once said to her. The act is like sitting at a table and stuffing yourself with food, and life goes on; even if it happens once in a while, just get used to it. Winston and Mandy did not enjoy each others company even though they had to be seen living like husband and wife. Falling pregnant might put to rest all the assumptions his relatives kept making about her not falling pregnant soon enough. It might also escalate the tension. Unfortunately, everyone got involved in everything, respecting the fact that it is sometimes helpful to have people around in times of sorrow. But marital affairs should be left for the couple to solve. All her thoughts were insignificant at that moment; the issue at hand was how was she going to tell Winston she was pregnant? Mandy parked the car in the carport and opened the sliding glass door that led into the house. Her eyes went quickly to Winstons usual spot; a big sigh of relief filled her lungs. Thank goodness the chair was empty. Why was she worried? After all, they were a couple. Mandy threw her handbag down and sat on the edge of the bed. The more she thought about it, the more difficult it became. Her fear of being rejected outweighed her odds. It was hard to forget those moments of rejection she had suffered as a young girl. She

trembled as she got on her knees, looking yet for more answers to her predicament. If only God could talk back now and quickly give me answers, she thought. What if He did? Would He say what she wanted to hear? The emptiness and suspense of not knowing was tearing her to pieces. Hope I emit good energy to my unborn child. What good energy did she have? That thought brought about more fear, but she continued with her prayer, with the hope of a God who listens and maybe would help her marriage survive. Mandy was not a Christian, nor did she feel she belonged to any religious group, but she believed in God. A strong feeling of calmness came over her each time she communicated her feelings to God. Often, she found herself saying thank you for the things she already had. Mandy was certain God knew all her needs even before she asked. To believe in God youve got to be able to feel a connection and have faith in that feeling, she told herself many times. No one in particular taught her to listen to her feelings. Her disappointment in the way in which the sermons at church were conducted made her lose the connection with the energy she called God. One thing she had learned from her childhoods religious lessons was sin and hell. The sermons she had heard castigated and condemned people and did not resonate with her. What can the church do to enlighten people without using fear? she thought. Many times she found herself embroiled in these kinds of thoughts, asking herself questions that had no right answers. Just after 17:30 Winston walked into the bedroom. Mandy put her book down, looked up and greeted him warmly. What time did you get back? he asked her in a wily voice. Mandy had to give the exact time, because the tone in his voice told her he had pre-knowledge of the time of her arrival. In a timid voice, she said, I am not sure because I passed through the clinic. There was pin drop silence. Taking a deep breath, she said, Im twelve weeks pregnant. Twelve weeks? Why wasnt I told earlier?

Ive also just found out, Mandy said. Rubbish, this just shows how little respect you have for me, unless, of course, Im not the father? Winston let out a childish laugh and walked towards the bedroom window. At least he is trying to joke about it, Mandy thought and so she joined in the laughing.

Winston turned around to look at her, his face showing aversion as he said, You think this is a joke? Fine! Lets see who has the last laugh. Winston walked out of the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. Feeling perplexed and sick, Mandy sat up, wondering whether to run after him. What have I done this time? Ive got to be positive, whatever happens, Ive got to be positive, she murmured to herself. Tears poured down her face as she turned on the television, but the blur made by her tears made it difficult to see. Mr. Bean was on TV, trying to jump off a diving board. She forced out a laugh, and then all her emotions burst forth. Mandy cried her lungs out and eventually fell asleep. When she woke up, it was 19:30; this time she felt much better. Mandys fear of rejection had haunted her for a long time and was going to continue to do so. What was the cure for her malady? She put her shoes on, grabbed her jersey and went outside. The weather was cool, as the sun had just gone down; she stopped briefly to admire the petunias she had planted a few days ago, and then walked towards the gate. With her hands firmly in her pockets, she walked toward Brandys Gardens. The gardens were mesmerisinga variety of potted plants and brightly coloured flowers growing wild by the poolside, which matched the thick elephant grass that carpeted the surroundings. The sound of an ostrich from a nearby enclosure added to the beauty of the place. Everything looked so peaceful and undisturbed. Hot after the short walk, she ordered a cold soda. Staring at the fountain water by the pool was refreshing and made her forget her melancholy. There was something healing about being in nature, Mandy thought, as the waiter brought her drink. She forgot her loneliness for the time being; it was so inwardly rewarding just sitting there. Winston did not come home that night and Mandy was determined not to ask him where he had been when he showed up. Her fear was that he might go out again and not return. She slid to the floor and sat down on the carpet. Very slowly, she took a deep breath in the hope of calming her nerves. It was a long and difficult night. Mandy could not relax enough to fall asleep and each time she heard the sound of an approaching car, instantly jumped out of bed with anticipation. Without knowing she might have drifted off, the short sleeps made her think she had been sleeping for a while. Ten to thirty minutes was the longest she slept each time. She

walked to the window to see if his car was parked outside; she went into their spare room to check in case he chose to sleep there, but he wasnt there. Mandy paced up and down, hoping he was safe and would come home. It was only then she realised how true it was when her friends told her they had had a sleepless night. Was this what married life was about? She couldnt share this experience with anyone, so she allowed it to consume her. No wonder a bad marriage was likened to a perseverance club for women. Mandy thought hers was an agony club that had just one member. Problems experienced in her marriage had to be kept a secret; she must be seen to behave as though everything were fine. If, in a certain case, she couldnt cope, she was advised to talk to their family marriage counsellors. But, like in most cases, nothing is a secret. No matter how long she pretended, people out there knew what she was going through. The night guard from Winstons company gossiped about Winstons late nights with his subordinates and it was now common knowledge there, but her relatives and friends were obviously the last to know. Winston visited Mandys mother Kobe and her sisters often enough with gifts and food, making them think everything was all right. Meanwhile, her relatives wondered what had got into Mandy and why she did not visit them. Tired from a fretful sleep, Mandy left for work, not knowing where her husband was. But her prayer that morning was full of hope as her quest for his safety consumed her.

Marjory asked Mandy if she was going to the round table after work, she just shook her head. Ive got to get home early today. Mandy said. That of course did not stop her from thinking back at the last time they were at the flying club. You seem to be very busy these days. Marjory said with a knowing smile. Mandy put her books and water bottle into her school basket without a word, of course she missed sitting at the round table watching the sun go down, sipping an ice cold beer. See you tomorrow, Ms Mandy Marjory said putting a set of keys into her bag. Mandy stood by her table for a moment, then, she picked up her basket and headed for the door. Often she contemplated about the topics that had

been debated at the round table. Yes, life was full of surprises. Rick and Madu left the school shortly after Marjorys birthday treat. After waiting to be confirmed in their jobs they finally gave up. Often they would meet up for a drink with Rachel, Marjory and other friends from the school. The round table tradition had now become a popular spot, it was close to the school and drinks were reasonably priced. Thinking back at what Winston said to her, it was not worth the arguments she had to endure when she came home late. You call yourself a decent married woman? Drinking with those young boys? Winston had yelled at her. She could see his point but its the way he went about it. Mandy never went to the round table again. She thought about Rick and Madu, young nave with no experience just like her. Married at a young age, they did not seem to understand that commitment is part of a good relationship. Unfortunately, that is not emphasized to young grooms to be. While on the other hand, young brides have to undergo rigorous drilling in the art of a good marriage. Hopefully over time things would change and lessons would be learnt. As for now, traditionally, something was missing. What still baffled Mandy was the answer to one other question that was tabled at the round table that night. Was it a common practice for a husband to demand a physical inspection of his wife? Mandy had no idea some women were subjected to such humiliation just to prove they were faithful to their partners. Mandy could still recall her response to that discussion. In this day and age? I cant imagine any man in his right senses would demand a physical inspection of his wife to confirm she has not had sex with another man? Mandy had asked with anger. But, the silence that was followed by laughter yet again made Mandy wonder how little she knew about the life around her. Wait a minute? Is that why Winston reprimanded her for having a shower? How dare he! She thought.

When Winston returned home after a night out, he walked into the bedroom, expecting Mandy to ask him where he had spent the night. He had a grin on his face, as if to say, I can do what I want. Majestically, he took his clothes off. Walking as if on a catwalk, he went into the bathroom. They had had arguments in the past

over his late nights and he had made it clear; he had every right to come back at whatever time, without being interrogated. Mandy took exception to his use of this word because she merely asked him where he had been. She was worried about his safety more than anything else. During school recess that day, she dashed to the office to make a quick phone call to Maya; it was only then that she discovered Winston had been at Hannas place, drinking and dancing to local music.

Chapter 9

Shebeen Queen

Hanna and Robert owned a shebeen that Winston patronized, Mandy adopting his use of words. This young couple knew how to entertain their guests. Their business was selling beer. They were making money from satisfied customers. The atmosphere at the shebeen was like that of a local bar: people standing around with beer bottles in their hands, listening to loud music. A continuous stream of customers coming and leaving told you the place was very popular. The shebeen had no fixed operating hours, which availed the proprietors to open when a customer appeared, and close when the last customer left, and had just a grass-thatched roof to shelter them from the rain. The floor was dusty and littered with bottle tops. An old rusty greasy braai stand that stood by the entrance had chicken gizzards and liver pieces sizzling on the fire. No one even thought about how often it was cleaned. Patrons went to the shebeen straight after work and would normally leave in the early hours of the morning, regardless of what day of the week it was. It was a perfect hideout for married women and men who were having extramarital affairs. The mushrooming of shebeens had been on the increase, as it brought in extra income for low earning households. The average earnings of a civil servant were far below the high cost of living prevailing in the country. Hanna and her husband had found a way to provide for their four children, although risking the fact that council police patrolled residential areas often after a tip off. Often enough, the council police would turn up unannounced and confiscate all the drinks, slapping the owner with a penalty fee. That, of course, did not affect the business in any way, because as soon as the council police left, more drinks were brought in and life at the shebeen continued on as normal. They were illicit bars operating without liquor licenses, so immoral council workers took advantage of this trend by accepting bribes from shebeen owners, making it difficult to eradicate them completely.

Mandy was curious to know what had caught Winstons fascination; he was at the shebeen every single day. When she asked if she could visit his cousins shebeen, it came as a surprise when he did not object to the idea. Rarely did she venture out with him, as such outings usually ended up in an argument. Winston often cited incidences that took place at the shebeen and how well the women danced. When Winston and Mandy arrived at the shebeen that Sunday afternoon, it was only then that Mandy realised it was the same place Winston had brought her to celebrate the registration of their marriage. There were people scattered around the yard. Some were standing and others sitting on empty crates. There were cars parked with young couples nuzzling away, beer bottles on the bonnets of their cars. It was so noisy you could hardly hear what the person sitting next to you was saying. Is this the place that kept Winston out the whole night? Mandy wondered as they walked in. Hanna and her husband came out to meet them and greeted them warmly. She asked them to sit inside the house, as it was less crowed inside. In the living room, her four young children were trying to watch television, but the reception was proving difficult on their black and white television. The room was equally crowded and stuffy, which really didnt make much of a difference where they sat. What was the attraction? She thought to herself again but everyone there seemed to be enjoying him or herself. Mandy was offered a light beer while Winston went and sat outside with a of group men. From where she sat, she could see another group of men and women singing and laughing. She watched as Winston settled down. It was a place designed to vent frustration, have a good drink, and a good laugh and, if you were lucky, a partner for the night. Nothing seemed to change in the time they were there, only the music got louder as groups of people sang to their own tunes. In the shelter, Winston sat with his mates eating pig trotters, beaming with satisfaction. He stamped his feet on the dusty floor of the shelter, as he threw his head back in laughter. He was enjoying every bit of his time there. Unfortunately, when he looked up, he found Mandy looking at him. He quickly called out to Hanna, Hope you are looking after my wife. What was so interesting about that place that kept drawing Winston back? She kept

asking herself this over and over again. Was it the freedom of being able to be himself with no one to pretend to? The shebeen had become his second home and when Winston arrived, his mates emphatically announced his arrival. Guys, the boss is here get a chair for him. All the underprivileged people that surrounded him made him feel important because they knew that was the only way they could get what they wanted from him. Seated comfortably on a stool in the middle of that dusty shelter, he ordered a beer for everyone as the group cheered for him. He got the attention he wanted and they got free beer, not a bad deal at all. By the time the dancing started, only a handful of men and women were left. The men were clapping as one of the women knelt down and started churning her waist as if making butter, to the delight of her onlookers. She pulled her skirt up, exposing her thighs as the group cheered loudly. What a show, Mandy thought. The womans loose-fitting skirt left the top part of her gluteus completely exposed; people standing behind her could see her thong and buttocks. Fortunately enough, according to Hanna, none of these womens husbands were there to witness the drama. Hanna stood near Mandy and told her how these women had been battered by their husbands upon finding them dancing in such a provocative way. But that hadnt stopped them from coming back! Pointing at one of them, Hanna said, Her husband doesnt drink; he stays at home cooking for the children, and sometimes has to come here to take her home when she gets too drunk. Customarily, women are taught about sex at the time of puberty or just before their wedding night, depending on which tribe they come from. They practice and perfect different styles of erotic movements to enhance sexual satisfaction during love-making and it is normally done to a special drumbeat. The elders assigned this task have to be convinced the young bride can perform her duties well before they marry her off. Bills were flying around as the men watching dipped into their pockets and threw money to her. A young man took a large bill and slipped it between her breasts and briefly danced around her. It was a hunting ground, lurking in the shadow of a shebeen. How many of these women had Winston slept with? It was clear they had made fun of Mandy on their wedding day, all dressed up and looking completely out of place. They had danced around

Winston, holding his waist and bottom. and not appropriate.

It was seductive

Mandy looked at her watch--it was 23:00. That explained why she was feeling tired and not at all with the drinking crowd, but Winston was having a time of his life. He refused to leave. With his permission, Mandy took a taxi home. As soon as she got home, she had a shower, set the alarm for her usual wakeup call and got into bed. She was jolted out of her sleep by loud noises; looking over, she noticed Winston wasnt back. Mandy stood in the middle of the dark living room, where she thought the noise was coming from. She wasnt quite sure what to do. What if thieves were trying to break in? Bravely, she pulled the curtains apart just to give her a view of the front garden. In the driveway, Winstons son, Greg, was fighting with the two night guards. Greg was thirteen, but had already got himself mixed up with the wrong crowd; binge drinking had now become the order of the day. Unlocking the unbolted front door was easy enough. She ran outside in her flimsy nightdress. Let him go! she shouted to the guards. Greg was being pulled in all directions. It was clear the guards were ready to lose their jobs after they had finished with him. Mandys breasts and underwear were visible and both men hung their heads in politeness. It was only then she realised she had forgotten to wear a gown over her nightie. Sorry, madam, for waking you up. As she quickly walked back into the house, she could hear the guards giving Greg a stern warning. If he dared insult them again, they would give him a good thrashing, before they resigned their jobs. Adults in these parts of Africa dont take too kindly to the use of abusive language, especially coming from a boy his age. Mandys stepchildren were going through a very difficult time and did not seem to trust anyone with their feelings. Danny had problems at school and Greg had got into the wrong company. Jabu was the only one who seemed to express his needs and feelings. He enjoyed watching the National Geographic channel and asked Mandy questions relating to relationships and hardship. Meanwhile, Winston just dished out money whenever they asked for it. Mandy did not agree with that, as it did not yield any answers to the childrens emotional needs.

What do you know about bringing up children? Winston had rebuked her. Maybe he was right because her mother took care of Mandys first child; she was too young to cope with that responsibility, having no knowledge of childcare at the time. Winston couldnt handle his youngest son Danny and thus gave in to all his whims. He spent five years in school, where he had never uttered a word, not even to his friends. When Mandy visited his school for a parent conference, she requested a transfer. Mandy had to make this decision for the childs best, as it might be educationally rewarding for him in the future, regardless of what Winston said. The school went ahead and gave Mandy a transfer without consulting with Winston. It was horrific enough for her to hear Winston had not done anything about his sons situation. The school was a private school that did not have an educational diagnostician and the longer he stayed in that school, the more the damage he could experience. The weekend before Danny started his new school, Mandy sat him down. Danny, this is going to be a whole new experience for you and its a good to begin to speak again. Do you know why? she asked him. No one in this new school has any knowledge of you not being able to speak, so when you do speak, it will not come as a surprise to anyone. Danny was an extremely talkative boy at home and that was one of the reasons Mandy could not understand why he never spoke at his old school. Danny later told Mandy how his teacher had caned him in front of the whole school in the hope of making him speak. When did this problem start? Speaking to Danny that day made her think back to a time just before she and Winston got married. Winston had asked Mandy if she could look after Danny for the afternoon. She didnt think that it would be a problem at all. When Winston left, Danny politely asked if he could watch television. Eagerly she helped him sort through some videotapes in case the programmes on television became boring. Danny seemed settled enough, so Mandy told him she was going to lie down for a short time. In case there is a problem, just wake me up, she had explained to her maid. The cottage was small and compact; you could almost hear a conversation in the next room. Danny was served with hot chocolate and invited to the table, upon which he demanded that the maid bring the drink to where he was sitting. Knowing too well that

even Mandys nieces who came to visit were not allowed to eat in the living room, the maid was reluctant to break that rule. Not getting his way, Danny ran out into the garden and began to water the plants. Well, thought the maid, Mandy should be up soon. Shell know what to do. Without much thought, she went about her house chores, confident that everything was under control. It was 16:30 when Mandy opened her eyes. Good Lord! She thought. Id better go and see how Danny is getting on. When she slid got off her bed, her feet splashed into a paddle of water. The carpet was completely immersed in water; holding it down was the weight of her bed. What is going on? she called out to her maid. When she turned towards the window, where she thought the sound of more water was coming from, she got a shock. A hosepipe had been put through her bedroom window and, standing on what looked like a stool, was Danny with a big grin on his face. He had to found a way of getting what he wanted. It did not take her long to come to some kind of conclusion; the boy was either in urgent need of help, or he was spoilt rotten. Mandy was jolted out of her thought with the sound of the telephone and she hurried on inside, leaving her stepson outside, still cursing at the guards; it was Hanna asking if Winston had called her because something terrible had happened. What happened? Mandys hand was shaking slightly. After a long silence, Hanna said, Mr. Jere found Winston in bed with his wife and has thrown her out of the house, suggesting she move in with Winston. Mandy, it all happened so quickly, Hanna went on. What do you mean it happened quickly? the morning. Its four in

But! Hanna went on, Winston doesnt know what to do with her. So where is he? Mandy asked. I dont know. Hanna seemed to raise her voice. Mandy hung up and slowly walked back to the bedroom. How stupid can a person be? She thought. Mandy did not feel sorry for him; she felt sorry for herself. Has Hanna got any sense at all? She is more concerned about Winston losing sleep? How does she think I feel? All these questions went through her mind as reality sunk in.

Mandys feelings were not important, as long as Winston was fine. What a family! Getting involved in Winston's promiscuous activities, and then taking this woman in. I just hope her husband doesnt take her back, she thought in disgust. Winston and Mrs. Jere were now at Hannas place, hoping for a solution to their newfound problem. He was consoling another woman while she was at home worried about his safety? Nothing made sense any more. Frustrated and unsatisfied with her sex life and living with a husband who didnt care about her was not a difficult equation. Why had she not found the answer? Winstons relatives treated him like an African chief; no one could stand up to him. The more miserable she became, the more satisfied he was. That still wasnt the answer to her problem. Each time Mandy was confronted with a problem, she looked for answers in the wrong place, and tried to find answers that were comforting for her instead. She didnt want to look at the big picture. Mandy walked along the dark long passage back to her bedroom, her heart bleeding with pain. She switched on the television, and propped up her pillow. Stupid bastard! she said out loud. Who does he think he is? So many men made passes at Mandy, but she was too faithful to even look at them. What does Winston want in life? An honest, hard-working woman? Maybe a woman who stayed at home to look after the children and made sure all his laundry was done? Is it a woman who could cook good dishes and never uttered a word when he picked up prostitutes? Mandy didnt think so. The pain was like a stab in an old wound. It was like knocking an injured toe against the pavement, making you want to sit down and put your toe in your mouth. That pain could not be rushed to heal, as it had to naturally take its course. Mandy was not going to fight it. Before she had moved in with Winston, her mother had prepared Mandys traditional ceremony. There was excitement in the house, as Kobes close friends gathered to cook and to warm the drums in readiness for a night of drumming and dancing. Mandy was put in a room with elderly women who told her the facts of life and all the ups and downs of a marriage. Youve got to be obedient to your husband, the women echoed. A woman wearing only a sarong and a rich

collection of coloured beads round her waist stood up. Covering her breast was a piece of material tied in a knot loosely at the back. She moved rhythmically to the loud drumbeat, showing off her beautiful curves and wellshaped bottom. As she sang, the other women clapped in rhythm to her singing. She was pointing at Mandy with a broad smile. Gracefully, she moved around the room, pulling the sarong seductively up and down. Ti ti tee ndikoni, Ti tee ndikoni, Ti tee munjikatebwino, she sang (Im a little robin; dont hold me tight, as you might just squeeze the life out of me. Nevertheless, holding me too lightly might not also be a good thing as I might just escape. Take heed, hold me carefully and gently.) Besides Mandy were two women who explained the meaning of all the songs that were sung in allegory that night and dramatized in a dance. The ceremony, marked by cultural and traditional norms, is performed diligently before the wedding night. As the night progressed, the brides matron unveiled writings and drawings that covered the walls and floor of the entire room. In the center of the drawing was a brightly coloured bulls eye, a sign that the groom-to-be had arrived, escorted by a group of married men flashing small bows and arrows. Upon entering the brides room, they put money on the floor, symbolizing respect for the women who had sacrificed their time to impart knowledge to the new bride. Carefully aiming his bow and arrow, the groom would then take his shot. Time went into preparation for a ceremony this size; it took as least two days to complete the drawings and cooking. In this case, it was wasted time on the part of Mandys mum, Kobe, and her good friends, because Winston refused to turn up for the ceremony. His fear of failure surpassed the grim chance of accepting his mother-inlaws invitation to be initiated into the family. He felt intimidated to be the center of attraction and was not the type who stood up to a challenge. But today, who falls short of all those promises, vows and commitments? Winstons aunt, obviously making it clear that if Mandy did not look after him properly, he would leave her, sang that opening song. And now that song came back to her. She had gone through the challenge alone while he amused himself at the shebeen. Winston never ceased to talk about how important tradition played a big part in his life, while Mandy said tradition was subjective.

She thought of every possible reason why he did what he did, and still could not come up with any credible answer. Mandy got up and freely turned the light on that morning; there was no need to stumble around in the dark. She left for work, not knowing where Winston was. As much as she wanted all those thoughts to stop, she couldnt help thinking what would become of her if she were to leave Winston. Meanwhile, the events from the previous night kept playing through her mind. Would she be able to start over again? Appearing tired and unhappy at school only elevated the gossip about her; as usual, Mandy continued to deny she was having problems. But her appearance said more than she anticipated. Hastily, she dismissed her class at the end of the school day, obviously rushing home to get some sleep. Just a couple of hours of sleep would ease her throbbing headache, she thought, as she got into the car. The lunch hour traffic towards the airport was not as bad as driving into town, and, in no time at all, she drove into their driveway. What awaited her was a kitchen full of smoke and burning rubber. She opened the outer kitchen door and called out to the servant, Tambo. What did you burn in here? It smells terrible! Its Danny, he explained, the gardener did not allow him to take the hosepipe, so he took the gardeners clean change of clothes and shoes and put them in the oven. No! Mandy exclaimed, with shock in her voice, This is not happening. Mandy had had enough of the days events; her hope was to have a nap after last nights ordeal, and not to come home to a smoking kitchen. Heart heavy, she went to her bedroom and threw herself on the bed. Mandy instantly fell asleep, with tears in the corners of her eyes.

Chapter 10

May 1994

On the brink

Winston had come home briefly for lunch while Mandy was still at work that day; he left word he was going to the office and would be back later. Mental torture is exasperation because she didnt know when it would end. When Winston walked into the bedroom, Mandy picked up a shoe that was lying in front of her and threw it at him. How could you? She stood in front of him, shaking with rage. Hope you will live to regret this. From the day I walked through that door, my life has been a misery and as if that is not enough, you decide to humiliate me. Maybe I didnt have the perfect life when you met me, but I was happy, Mandy yelled. Winston stood in the middle of the room as though the shoe wasnt meant for him. Slowly, he walked to the edge of the bed and sat down; then he proceeded to take his own shoes off. As he threw both his shoes onto the floor, he turned to look at her and said, Its a waste of breath to talk to you. He got up, walked to the bathroom, and slammed the door shut. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldnt get herself to be opaque with her feeling towards him. She marveled at the thought of being married, even though she felt constricted. It was like lighting a candle outside on a windy day. You watch the flame being blown in one or another direction each time the wind blows. The sight of it gives you a warm feeling, even though you know its just a matter of time before its blown out. She was living in a dark tunnel, crawling around, unable to stand up because it was too low. But, that day a small light

appeared that made her realise what she had tried to avoid all those years. Their traditional marriage had started off well. So where did she go wrong? It all started with a representative from Winstons side of the family who was sent to meet Mandys parents. His uncle had entered the room with two small plates; concealed inside was money to ask for her hand in marriage. Legs folded in a traditional fashion, he sat on the floor and introduced himself. Mandy was called into the room and asked if she had any knowledge of the proposal. The expected answer should be either Yes or No. The next question was, Should the family accept the proposal? Again, she was expected to give a brief answer. At that point, his uncle left and later returned to ask for the bride price, a matter that did not involve her. Looking back now, the only thing that was missing at the time was a contract. The more educated the woman, the higher the price. If a woman had a child, like Mandy did, that also was taken into consideration and would normally affect the bride price. When Mandy moved in, it was a matter of proving herself and being able to satisfy her husband the best way possible. Over and over, they told her about the importance of being faithful to her husband. But clearly, there was room for a man to commit adultery without consequences, because he pays the bride price. What else would be the reason? That thought made her furious. He knew more about who patronised the shebeen than he knew about what was happening in his own house. Outside their matrimonial home, he had mistresses and girlfriends. He paid rent and provided groceries and food. He bought expensive perfume and clothes for these women when he travelled abroad. At times Mandy would unpack the clothes with excitement, only to be told they werent for her, that they had been sent by a friend. Meanwhile, Mandy had to fight to get a penny out of him to buy underwear. Grinding his teeth, eyes wide open, he sneered at her. Ive told you many times before, I am not Bill Gates. Not that she thought he was, as she wiped the sprays of spit from her face. Mandy prayed that other parents could begin to realise how enslaving it was for their daughters, especially when they demanded lots of money in exchange

for their daughters hand in marriage. Mandys father, Joel, was right, when he said, My daughters are not for sale. The family had vowed to honour his words even after he was long gone. Mandy thought about her own situation, still young at the time when her family stood by her after her teenage pregnancy; would they still stand by her if she decided to walk out of this marriage?

Mandy arrived at work feeling fresh and well rested. It was one of those weekends when Winston was out of town. Under normal circumstances, her weekends would be long and stressful. Putting her books down on the table, she flicked through her lesson plan, just as her class assistant walked in. Good morning, Marjory, Mandy greeted her, Good morning, Ms. Mandy. After exchanging a few notes, Mandy went off to meet her friend for a quick chat. Aisha was Mandys best friend at work; they shared many experiences, having worked together for years. Aisha had just finished putting up her childrens classwork on her notice board when Mandy walked in. I had such a lovely weekend, its unbelievable, Mandy told her. You mean he was away? Aisha asked, eyes wide open. Yes, he was. But guess what he didnt get me anything for my birthday. But he asked me to buy his cousin some flowers because it was her birthday! Youre joking, said Aisha. Wait, listen to this: he also said I should deliver them to her office. Get out! Aisha said, as they both laughed at the same time. I spent the whole weekend reading and letting out the steam. What did you tell him when he came home? didnt get into trouble, girl! Hope you

Mandy smiled with satisfaction; before, she would not have even dreamt of this. In the past, she went flat out to make sure everything she was told to do was done, without asking him why. She might have even bought

flowers and delivered them to his girlfriends how would she know? He had so many relatives. Things were different now; she didnt even need an explanation. Often Mandy popped into Aishas class to pour her heart out and occasionally Aisha did the same. I almost gave mine a boot last month; he forgot our anniversary imagine that! Aisha said, as they walked down the corridor towards Mandys classroom. We dont even have an anniversary, Mandy joked. Parting company, they walked back to their respective classrooms as the bell rang. Aishas husband was a good man. He supported her and was always good to her; it was only human to forget. Touching base with her friend each morning was a good way to start the day. On her way back to her classroom, Mandy put her head round the office door to say good morning to Joyce, the secretary, and thanked her for the invitation. Joyce had sent out invitations for her daughters initiation ceremony that weekend. She wasnt sure if Winston would allow her to go; she didnt give Joyce any indication as to whether she would attend or not. The last time Mandy had gone out was to attend her best friend Mildreds daughters kitchen party. Winston did not object to her going because he knew just how close the two were before Mandy got married. It was for that reason alone that Mandy had to attend her daughters kitchen party to make up for lost time. Their friendship continued even though they did not see much of each other and, when they met, they made sure they gave each other moral support. Mandy reached her classroom and rang the small handheld bell. All the children ran up to her. Class time! she called out to others who were still in the sandbox. Holding one of the childrens hands, she walked the children to the toilet. Dont forget to wash your hands, she reminded the children. When all the students were gathered on the carpet, they sang the good morning song. She introduced the topic for the day, and then read them a story. Friday was a good day it seemed to go by very quickly. The students had music class, then art class and by that time the day over. Her cellphone rang as she was clearing her desk; Mildred called to confirm she would give her a lift to the initiation ceremony, which is popular in the eastern and central parts of Zambia.

When a girl comes of age, she is confined for a few days with her grandmother, aunts and other female relatives to help her understand the changes taking place in her body. The women stress the importance of hygiene and of being aware of men who would want to take advantage of her through their charms. All this is taught through songs and dances. In the olden days, girls were married off after puberty and this ceremony was used to announce she was ready for marriage. The initiation ceremony was well rehearsed. Joyces daughter, who had just reached puberty, danced impressively with her grandmother as the onlookers cheered, while others threw paper money to them. Not at all relaxed, Mandy was worried about getting home on time. Having been allowed to go for a few hours just to show her face had taken her four days of pleading with Winston. Joyce had been so helpful to the family in the past and it was only polite to turn up. All through the ceremony, Mandy shuffled around restlessly, refusing any offers of drinks and food. She did not enjoy this outing any more than the people who had invited her, as they could all see how tense she was. When the ceremony finally came to an end, Mildred gave her a lift back and by 20:30, Mandy was at the gate, waving goodbye to her friend, who was reluctant to see her in. In a way, Mandy preferred it that way, just to avoid the humiliation Mildred was accorded each time she drove her home. Mandy reached the front door at exactly 20:35. The door was locked. She tapped on the glass pane to the girls bedroom window that was right next to the front door. But no one came to open the door for her. Again she knocked on the window, this time a little louder than before. Mandy had a sick feeling in her stomach; something was not right. She pushed the girls bedroom window, and then pulled the curtain to one side. It was quiet but not empty. The figures on the beds were visible enough to see. Muso! she called. Aunty, we cant open the door; Uncle Winston has taken all the keys to his bedroom, she whispered back to Mandy. The children had been sent to bed earlier than normal. This is stupid, Mandy remarked out loud, as she stumbled over a broken flowerpot. She quickly walked over to their bedroom window, convinced there was an explanation. Mandy could see Winston through a gap in

the curtain moving around the room preparing to get into bed. Dont you think this is silly? she shouted through the window, hoping he would hear her. How can you lock me out when you said I could go out today? Winston knew she was outside; he had made up his mind he was not going to let her in because she had missed the 20:00 deadline. Unexpectedly, Winston appeared at the window, making Mandy jump with fright. Yes, it is stupidthats why you are outside. Gosh, you scared me, Mandy exclaimed, as she jumped back. Winston was the kind of person who never went back on his word; no amount of persuasion would get him to change his mind. If only he would hear her out! But on second thought, it was just going to be another night of fighting, Mandy thought as she stepped out of the flowerbed. Slowly, she made her way back down to the garage as their little puppy started to pull on her long chitenge skirt trying to get Mandys attention. She stopped on the lawn to pull out her shoe that was stuck in muddy grass with the persistent puppy tagging behind her. As she pulled up her wrapper she could feel the weight of the little dog. It had sunk its sharp little teeth into the hem of her skirt and was now hanging by its teeth behind her. Get off! she shouted, trying to shake the fluffy ball behind her. She stood inside the garage, looking at the stack of maize bags piled up; there was no other place to sleep. With difficulty, she climbed to the top as the little puppy barked with disappointment. Sorry, mate, got to get as far away from you as possible, Mandy said to herself. Naughty little thing, did he expect me to start playing with him? Silly little creature, she thought as she spread her wrapper out on top of the mountain of bags. The puppy jumped up and down, running around the bags, barking fretfully. Mandy could hear the sound of its little claws gripping onto the cotton bags, then sliding down. The maize had been harvested from their farm and stacked up in the garage waiting to be sold. Tonight they would come in handy because they were going to provide her with a place to sleep. As she finished spreading the cloth across the bags, she tried to ignore the lump in her throat. It was a cold night. Across the

driveway, in the guardroom, she could hear the crackling fire and saw smoke escaping from the small window. Resting her head on her arm, she settled down as warm tears rolled down her face onto to her cold arm. Tightening the grip on the piece of material, she tried to cover as much of herself as possible, but the two metres of material could not be stretched enough to cover her big bottom. It was so cold she contemplated getting inside the maize bag. Underneath her, little grain insects could be felt moving around. Bravely she closed her eyes. Dressing up that afternoon, little did she know that the piece of cloth she was wrapping around herself would be her blanket for the night. She stayed awake, listening to all the noises around her and reflecting on her life. What had led to all this? She had had a small place of her own before she met Winston and seemed happy with what she had achieved in life. Its funny how she fantasized about her life. She actually had thought her life would be better with Winston. Her experience tonight brought home the incontrovertible truth of their relationship that she had to accept. Winston had no respect for her and their marriage. Too cold to even think of her unresolved equation, that night would have been the night she might have deciphered it. Her idea of not buying his cousin a birthday card was one of the reasons he was angry with her, although he did not admit to it openly. Hinting, however, on how disobedient she had become lately made her think otherwise. A warm wet rough tongue was licking her face. How did Fluffy manage to get up here? In a sleepy state, she looked at her watch; it was six in the morning. Mandy had never enjoyed being around dogs till that day. Her body felt stiff and was aching all over; sheepish, she climbed down and begun to dust herself off. The night guard was by the garden tap washing his face; he looked up as Mandy headed toward the house, wondering what she was doing there so early in the morning. If the guard did his job properly, surely he should know there was someone sleeping on the maize stack. Winston was awake and had left the front door ajar; the noise from television could be heard as she approached the door. When Mandy walked in, he did not shift his eyes from the television or utter a word. Likewise, she walked straight past him into the bedroom. The bed looked so inviting as she started to dress for

school; an hour of sleep would do her a lot of good. But, no, her job was more important. She walked out to look for a taxi, skipping breakfast, because she knew he was not going to take her to work. When Mandy came home that day it was as though nothing had happened. He came into the bedroom and asked, How was the ceremony? That was beyond her understanding one of them was definitely insane and hopefully it wasnt her.

Winston had been married to his first wife for many years and that counted for a lot. Her sudden passing left him unable to pick up the pieces. His fathers disappearance was like the cornerstone to his problem; her death was a consolidation of how little he believed in himself. But his behavior was no excuse for unexplained things that happened in his life. He echoed the fact that he was a principled person, making Mandy begin to wonder about the true meaning of the word. It seemed to mean something else to him. It made Mandy think back to Winstons reaction to things that had happened since they were married. As much as she tried to block out some of these things, she continued to think about them. That was the second time she had been allowed to go out and he locked her out of the house. But why did he react differently the first time she attended Mildreds daughters party? Puzzled, she couldnt figure out which was the worst thing she did. This happened two years into their marriage. She had been invited to her friends daughters kitchen party. As time was an issue in their relationship, Mandys friend took that into consideration; the kitchen party ended promptly at 18:30. A large room near the carport was filled with presents, leaving no room to walk in or out. Mildred and Mandy put the last few pots and plates on the floor by the door, and then locked the room. Kitchen parties, common in that part of the continent, take place before the wedding at the brides mothers house. They have been likened to a bridal shower, with a traditional twist to them. Women drummers and special dancers are invited to demonstrate to the young bride how to look after her kitchen and the use of different kitchen utensils. The bride is made to sit on a mat or chair in the middle of all the invited guests, mainly women, as they open her presents. Each guest has the onus of explaining the purpose of the gift and its

use. All this is concluded with a dance performed by the person presenting the gift. A matron is appointed specially for this occasion to perform the duty of assisting the bride with her gifts. It is a costly ceremony, but most parents would rather spend money on a kitchen party than a wedding, because the bride is assured of getting plenty of gifts in return. Mildred came over to where the committee sat and gave Mandy a hug of appreciation for all the hard work. It felt good to be appreciated; something she had almost forgotten existed. They all sat down to a hearty traditional meal, food and drinks after a long but successful kitchen party. Mandy was ready to go home after a few glasses of wine and some food. Come on, its only 19:30, we all have husbands and homes to look after, dont be a wimp, the other members said to her. You need to put your foot down, thats the only way these men learn to respect women. Mandy was actually enjoying herself; she couldnt remember the last time she felt so at ease and wasnt looking forward to going home. That invitation to stay could not have come at a better time. Nevertheless, she was not going to be a part of that discussion in case anything she said was repeated. Home was like going back to confinement, with no one to talk to. Laughing and joking was a thing of the past, she thought as she stared at the glass of wine in front of her. Bottoms up! the group shouted. The women spoke freely about their problems and turned bad situations into jokes. If only she had the courage to do the same, maybe she would look at her marriage differently. Another sip from her glass would send her running to the toilet to throw upshe was never a wine drinker. Mandy had to go home. The morning sunlight pierced through the slightly partitioned curtain and directly into her eyes. The night seemed so short; it was as though she had just come home. Her head felt heavy and delirious. Her legs felt as though they were tied together with rope. Struggling, she sat up to see what was causing her so much discomfort. The bedcover lay on the floor and just the under sheet remained on the bed, completely covered in mud and dirt. Mandy could not believe her eyes. Shit, I am so dead! she exclaimed, taking off her muddy shoes. She pulled her skirt off and threw it on the floor, as though it was cursed. What was I thinking? She had come home the night before and gone straight to bed with

her clothes, shoes, and all the mud from the kitchen party. Im done, done, done, she said, holding her head. She stood next to the bed in her underwear, looking at the black gravel mud all over the bed and floor. Winston was wide awake, looking at her with a big smile on his face. Nice try, and, by the way, very convincing, he said. Winston got out of bed, put his morning gown on and left the room, laughing. Winston actually thought Mandy was putting on an act, just to get back at him. It was unbelievable but true. Nevertheless, Mandy was so embarrassed by what lay around her. She stood there thinking whether to have a shower or to just dash into the kitchen to prepare breakfast. Where was Winston when she came in? She wasnt going to ask any questions because she knew that was the last kitchen party she would ever be allowed to attend. Mandy came home singing Im Looking Through You by the Beatles. No, no, no, thats not possible! Mandy shook her head, as cousin Mwape narrated the details to her. You were pointing to him and dancing the twist! Mwape, please stop it! We were all very surprised, as well; you had so much courage last night. It was painful to hear her cousin narrate to her what actually had happened when she got home that night. That was her fathers favourite song and he sang it all the time over and over again. Why tell me why did you not treat me right? Love has a nasty habit of disappearing love in sight. Youre thinking of me the same old way, the only difference is youre down there. Mandy walked out of the kitchen with tears in her eyes. It was the first time it dawned on her. Her father was trying to say something but no one listened. That realisation brought tears to her eyes.

Chapter 11

England June 1969

Mandys father, Joel, was appointed to work at the foreign office as Under Secretary to the United Kingdom. His appointment came abruptly and was a surprise to the family. Without much notice, Joel was on a plane to England, leaving his family behind to join him later. The task of packing and putting household goods into a storage container was not an easy one to undertake alone. Mandys mother, Kobe, had never travelled nor moved house before. Her husband paid the bills and sorted out other household fees, thereby rendering her completely incapable to deal with such issues when she was alone. Ultimately, she managed to complete the packing with the help of a family friend, Lungu. After putting a few of the familys sentimental items into storage, she got rid of the rest by giving it to the needy. The news of moving to England was well received by the Mandy and her sisters. Excited about the prospect of getting onto a plane for the first time, anything else that came with that was a bonus. Anxiously, they counted how many more sleeps remained before they left for England. On the day of departure, Mandy and her sisters were dressed up as though they were going to meet the queen in velvet dresses, glossy plastic shoes and small handbags. When the parcel with their clothes had arrived from England, Kobe looked the dresses over with disapproval, not what she would buy for her children. The style, colours and sizes of the dresses were not a concern for the excited children; what was not exciting was the time they had to wait before they were allowed to wear their new clothes. When they arrived at the airport, the driver pushed the trolley with their suitcases to the check-in counter, then waited for the family to assemble. Mandy grabbed onto her mothers skirt, tripping a few times in her new shoes as they walked toward the lift. She had never been

in a lift before and that experience was terrifying for her. I dont want to go in there, she screamed. Embarrassed at her behavior, Kobe dragged her into the lift and held her down until the lift door opened. By the time they reached the third floor of the airport building, Mandy was left wearing only one shoe and throwing a tantrum. Kobe walked away as Mandy threw herself on the floor for the second time that morning. Dreading the long journey ahead her, Kobe bade farewell to her friends and relatives, meanwhile contemplating how she was going to cope with five-yearold Mandy alone. Mandy cried, vomited, slept, vomited, and cried most of the journey. It was something Kobe would never have anticipated. By the time they arrived, Mandy was in a state of exhaustion, confusion, and fear. Kobe put her on her back as they walked towards the exit gate. London Heathrow was spectacular compared to the small international airport in their nations capital. The buildings and surroundings were very different, with bigger shops and wider streets. Joel waved to them from the arrival hall. As they walked through customs, one look at Mandy told him what Kobe had been through. Mandy had given her mother a hard time getting in and out of lifts at Athens airport. The airport staff had to eventually assist Kobe with the other children as Mandy continued to roll on the floor, screaming her lungs out. Suitcases parked in the trunk of the car, Joel drove slowly through the morning traffic on the northwest of Croydon Road towards Calshot Road. He then took the first exit and drove towards central London. Amazed at seeing double deck buses, the children clung to the car window in awe. The drive through central London was slow due to traffic. As they drove through Richmond, Joel pointed to a park and promised to take them there once they had settled down. Finally, they joined Kingston Road heading towards Coombe Lane West before the car came to a stop outside a large double-story house. Excitement is an understatement Mandy and her sisters ran up and down the stairs, amazed at the sheer size of the house; then

they ran outside to explore the back yard that was covered in long grass with small yellow flowers. At the far end of the garden lay a wooden garden shed with garden tools that included a small manual lawn mower. In the other corner of the yard was a big apple tree surrounded by a thick growth of bushes that made it tricky for Mandy and her sisters to reach the trunk. Climbing trees was a part of their daily play back home, but that was probably not going to be the case here. By this time, Mandy had perked up a bit. When the girls left the garden, they went through the living room cabinets and fished out a large bottle of cider, fighting over it as they took turns sipping the sweet drink. Later that evening, the children sat around the dinner table, eyes partially closed, eating bangers and mash. Mandys hair was covered in mash after she had been rescued a few times from smashing her head into the dinner plate. Kobe walked around the dinner table, serving the children their supper; one by one they fell asleep, heads hung back in their chairs. Mandys head was now resting in her plate of mash. Kobe lifted her up and walked her to bed; then, one at a time, she walked the others up the stairs, having no idea what they had been drinking. The girls bedroom was large and airy, with a wallto-wall carpet and two large windows that overlooked the front gate. Next to their bedroom was a little closet with a padded geyser. Mandy was wary, but curious about what really lay behind the padding and therefore made sure the cloakroom door was closed at all times. Geysers in Africa were normally on the outside of the house and not padded. On the other side of the landing, overlooking the back garden and part of the side street, were three other bedrooms, one of which was occupied by their parents. When the day finally arrived for them to go into town, they all got into their white Peugeot station wagon and headed into Kingston Main to buy school uniforms. Joel drove through the stream of traffic along rows of shops and people walking along the pavement. It was a sight they were not used to; everyone seemed busy and were going somewhere and with a purpose and not just hanging around. Joel drove down the busy road into a car park. The family walked across to a shop that lay on the east end of St. Peters Road. As they walked in, the doorbell alerted the shop owner, who appeared from the

back room as all the children filed in. Dear me! You do have a large family, the shopkeeper said, with one her hand on her chest in amazement. Bessie, the shopkeeper, was pleasantly friendly; she took their measurements, then selected the sizes from the storeroom for the girls to try on: pleated grey skirt, white shirt, striped grey and white necktie, grey blazer, and a grey hat. Mandy stood in front of a mirror, beaming with delight. Mandy was not going to take her uniform ofthat was another good reason to throw a tantrum. Her father politely thanked the lady for her patience as Kobe grabbed Mandys left arm and practically dragged her out of the shop. Kobe was firm but loving with the children and Mandy could see that her mother was a little embarrassed over her behavior in the shop that afternoon. Nevertheless, as soon as they got home, she was dancing up and down the stairs in her new uniform. I look like Janet at the garden gate, she called out to Rita.

St Pauls School was a Presbyterian co-education school with a church adjacent to it. The school building was concrete with a tarred playground. Mandy and her friends played Hop, hop to the bakers store all lined up against a brick wall. Having made new friends, she enjoyed the company of Nicola, the girl she sat next to in class. Although Mandy was the only black student in her class, her teacher, Mrs. May, was very kind to her and helped her settle down in a school that had only four African students: Jolly, Gloria, Rita and Mandy. As for Mandy, she looked forward to going to school each day. Kobe had enrolled herself into a cooking class that she went to after shed walked the children to school. She not only learnt how to cook new recipes, it helped her adjust to a whole new culture. Kobe had never travelled abroad, so this experience was a start to a whole new life for her. Being in a school like St Pauls was challenging for the children. Having no knowledge of racial differences, Mandy just thought others made fun of her because she looked different. They touched her and stared at her curiously. Physical Education class was done in the school hall in their navy blue knickers. What she didnt know was if all the parents were asked to buy the same color of knickers. That was one day she never looked forward to,

because she was very conscious of her body and found it difficult to change in front of her peers. It was their first Christmas vacation since coming to England. Rita stood by the window early one morning, shouting to the others to come over to the window. Still sleepy, Mandy walked over to Ritas side, their backyard was covered in snow. Snow! Snow! Mandy shouted, jumping up and down. They had read stories at school and watched programs on television, and now they had the chance of actually playing in the snow. Without dressing properly, the children ran outside before Kobe could get to them. The experience was profound, from touching the almost invisible flakes to gathering heaps of snow. Building a snowman was even more challenging than they thought; their hands and feet became numb and sore. Rubbing their sore noses and cheeks, the children finally gave up. Mandy jumped back into bed with her now wet clothes while the others took turns underneath a hot shower. Mandy was normally the one who got everyone in trouble because she always did what was not expected of her, and Kobe knew that. The children spent more time outside that Christmas than they had ever spent in the past few months. During summer, the children were happy to go out and pushed the little manual lawn mower across the grass in the hope of mowing the lawn. They barely managed to mow a path leading up to the large apple tree at the end of the garden. Hanging onto a branch, Mandy reached up, picked a large apple, and immediately bit into it. Ugh, its sour, she called out to her sisters. What she didnt know was those large, oversized apples were cooking apples. She let go of the branch and landed in a thick growth of nettle bush. Her sister stood here, staring at her screaming her head, off wondering why she was rubbing her arms and bottom. Jeanette was a middle-aged woman who lived alone just a few houses away from them. On their way home from school, they would stop by her place to say hello. Jeanette had kindly volunteered to help Mandys mum with her weekly family shopping whenever possible and showed her how to get round London using public transport. It was a wonder for most people then to see a family of five Africans, and they often stopped to stare. Joel had a large office with many bookshelves downstairs where he did his work on weekends. He took pride in his new job and shared his experiences with

Kobe. At the end of his day, he walked through the front door with a smile that was always followed by a laugh. Mandy could still remember the day he announced they had been invited to Buckingham Palace. Kobes excitement was evident, mixed with uncertainty over her new role as wife to the Undersecretary. Joel wore a tuxedo and a top hat, Kobe walking nervously behind him in a whitish-grey gown with silver shoes carrying a small matching evening purse. After having spent several years in England, Mandys father was called back to Africa, pending a new posting to West Germany. But upon his return from England, he found things had changed and his boss had been moved to another ministry; someone more junior to him who had taken over from his former boss occupied his old office: Tembo, an old schoolmate who had now risen through the ranks. Intimidated by Joels return, he was determined to stay in his position. If Joel took up his former position, it would jeopardize his chances of being confirmed in that position. Nepotism was raging; covering relatives backs, or appointing people who aligned themselves with the person in charge had overshadowed the ministry. Infighting and false accusations had become the order of the day. Innocent people had been banished, due to old age and allegations of witchcraft. It sounded more like a ministry of selfinterest. Totally confused, Joel went into a panic. While Mandys mother stood by him, Joel was fighting his own inner battle. Unhappiness and fear filled the hearts of his once happy family. The years spent in England had had a positive impact on the family in different ways, because it helped lay the basic foundation for all the childrens later learning, and it also taught them the importance of being a family. The family pulled together during that difficult period in their lives. And, against his will, Joel asked to go on sick leave upon his return to Africa. He was depressed. The sudden transformation of life was swift. It was like waking up in the middle of a desert and not knowing exactly how you got there. Kobes first job was to put the children into school while mayhem stirred. Moving back into their home, she tried to bring back stability into the family, while a never-ending stream of relatives came knocking at the door for assistance. For them, coming back from England meant having lots of money.

Consultations with different doctors brought out the notion that all Joel needed was plenty of rest. Medically, there was nothing wrong with him. After the sick leave, Joel came to an unfortunate decision: he was going to resign. Little did he know then what awaited him. That Christmas, Joel reported back to work after being encouraged by his wife not to throw in the towel. On his desk was a letter of transfer, dated the day he had gone on leave. He read the letter and immediately began to clear his desk. Joel felt let down; he had not been treated fairly, and his presence back was a threat to the very existence of others above him. They were all aware of his stubbornness and lack of tolerance of the illegitimate practices of employing relatives to positions regardless of their credentials. But this time, he was not going to put up a fight. As predicted, things would get even harder for the family. It was normally the end of ones career if you were transferred to a rural town, because not only did the childrens education suffer, but your entire standard of living was compromised. Little attention is given to the development of rural areas. Schools are under-staffed and resources are scarce. When funds are allocated, they are not utilized properly and only a few lucky people benefit from such funds. As time went by, it was clear that Joels smoking habits were having a devastating effect on his health. But he continued to smoke; the only thing he did was stop smoking cigarettes and, instead, he started smoking a pipe. His doctor issued him with warnings to stop smoking, as it exacerbated his bronchitis, but that advice fell on deaf ears. Joel had always been a social smoker more than anything else, so the change in habit was so evident; it was as though he was smoking his life away. He looked after his daughters with pride, and relatives who came to visit without notice he sent packing with no regrets, because he stood by what he believed. He was proud of his daughters and every evening he would line them up and count them all to see if anyone was missing. The children never understood why he did that. Kobe persevered to give Joel all the support she could, but what tormented her the most was the amount of alcohol he consumed. One night, she lay awake pondering what could have triggered that change in him. Their life in England was worth each day they had spent there. She

thought about how happy her husband had been at the time. Yearning, she realised just how tired she was; it was now the season when they sold party cards to different constituencies, which meant working long hours. Kobe enjoyed her part time job in politics, gladly working alongside other dedicated party officials. Maybe a good nights sleep would ease the stress she was feeling that night. As she turned over, she decided it was time she got to the bottom of her husbands drinking problem; she was determined to know what lay behind her husbands sudden change in lifestyle. Kobe came from a small family of two, and she now had a large family to look after. How could she ensure they all completed their education and went to college? She knew just how difficult it was to bring up children and provide for them adequately. Thats why she regarded herself lucky, to be married to a civil servant. In all fairness, they had done well; so far, she felt proud of their achievements. Kobe had to continue to fight for her so called netball team, as her friends referred to the girls. Early the next morning, she sat up in bed, looking at Joel smoking. In the past he would not smoke in the bedroom, but that had now all changed. She felt angry at how carelessly he was throwing his life away; visibly distressed, she got out of bed and stood at the foot of the bed. Without a cue, she began to yell at her husband. Do you realise what you are doing to the family? Sniveling, she tried to calm herself down. Remember when I told you my friends made fun of me because we have so many girls? she asked him in a shaky voice. They told me girls are good for nothing and will all end up as prostitutes. Is that what you want? she yelled. Agitated by the yelling and the anger raging inside, she was panting. Her body temperature rose, leaving her completely out of breath. But that did not stop her persistence to get answers from her husband. The beads of sweat that ran down her forehead equaled the sweat flowing under her breasts. Her nightdress felt wet and sticky. Joel had always been a gentle man who couldnt harm a fly; he looked up at his yelling wife, blowing smoke in the air, and slowly looked away. Joel had to tell Kobe what was happening to him. Taking the pipe out of his mouth, he swallowed hard as he said, The doctor said I have only two months to live.

What? Kobe exclaimed. Unconscious of what she was doing, she sat down on the edge of the bed, not believing a word of what she had just heard. When did the doctor tell you this? Kobes eyes were now wide open in disbelief. How could she have missed this? Without deliberation, Joel went on to tell his wife about his last visit to the doctor. He simply said I did not have long to live and that I need to prepare for my exit. Kobe looked at him, still astounded. And? Is this the way youve decide to prepare for your exit? Kobe asked him, her face inches from his nose. The fear in his eyes was visible when he said, I went to the bank and withdrew all the money. You did what? His wifes voice choked as she said that. Is that what all this is about? she stammered. Why didnt you tell me when the doctor told you? He just shrugged his shoulders and continued blowing at his pipe. Suddenly, Kobe reached for his pipe, snatched it from his lips, stomped to the kitchen and tossed it into the kitchen bin. In recent times Joel had spent money lavishly, whereas in the past, he would not spend a penny without a good reason. He now came home drunk every evening and danced to the Beatles records, rocking back and forth and twisting around in a dance to his favorite song, Im Looking Through You. He often called out to his daughters to join him on the dance floor as he sung to his favorite lines: Why tell me why did you not treat me right? Love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight! Youre thinking of me, the same old way, you were above me, but not today. The only difference is youre down there Mandy enjoyed dancing and never hesitated to join her father twist down to the floor as she, too, sang along; little did she know her fathers life was falling apart. Kobes anger turned into sadness and utter disappointment.

That would not be the end of the road, Kobe thought; that would be the start of a battle for her children. She walked to the bathroom, telling herself it was all a bad dream. Kobe could not understand how her husband could be so reckless as to party through the familys

earnings. The drastic change in his behavior was evident and the truth had just dawned on her. All she wanted was to hear that devastating news from the horses mouth. Kobe called the clinic and made an urgent appointment to meet with their family doctor.

Chapter 12

Africa May 1977

Arriving for her doctors appointment early, the nurse informed Kobe that the appointment had been moved, as the doctor was out of the country. This happened all the time in this country: appointments were changed and clients were not informed. If she insisted on an explanation, it would leave her with no appointment for at least a month. It was extremely frustrating, considering how much she wanted answers from Dr. Suklar. Kobe started her descent down the dusty stairs of the old pension house building in which their family doctor occupied the second floor. Deep in thought, she wondered what to do next. The stairway was busy with office workers walking up and down the flights of steps. The lift in that building had not been working for years. A cold shiver went down Kobes spine at the thought of all those people who had suffocated in that lift. It was a dreadful incident, all because of a lack of skill to maintain the lifts properly and now they have a defunct lift, in a building that had eight floors. She stopped to catch her breath. But as she was about to leave the building, her eyes saw a familiar figure frantically trying to avoid her. Surprise! Dr. Suklar was in the country. It was not difficult for her to figure that one out, a coincidence she would not allow to slip through her fingers. Kobe followed him back to his office without an invitation. Her anger began to build as she walked up the stairs, but she kept telling herself, give him a chance to explain what exactly transpired before you say anything you will regret later. Being a government worker, naturally he attended to many patients from different government ministries. Without doing much research into how qualified they were to do the job, The Health Ministry had employed many Asian doctors and teachers. At that moment, that was not the issue.

Dr Suklar feigned that he was expecting her. But when they sat down, it was clear he had no words to explain how sorry he was. Admitting to his mistake, he thought that a little trick would stop Joel from smoking. Are you out of your mind? What medical school taught you such a stupid thing? Kobe asked, pointing to her head. It was an insensitive approach to the real problem. Do you realize what you have done? I just wanted him to stop smoking Suklar said with remorse. Having no idea how his trick had cost the family a fortune, he continued to plead with Kobe in a strong Asian accent. Madam, you know, sometimes it can work. It was unethical and it undermined the whole profession. She had to report him to a higher authority before he would destabilise more families. What was the best way of handling a situation like this? The government system and procedures involved in such cases were slow to take off and, by the time the initial report would be done, Suklar would have long left the country. Not only would the people in the system give the doctor ample time to leave, evidently he would be willing to pay anything to get away. Kobe stood no chance at all. She stood by the door for a moment, thinking to herself. What the hell! There is no case anyway! She turned around, swung her bag over her head and whacked Suklar on his head, then walked out. Exhausted from all the drama that morning, Kobe took out all the boxes she had in the house and began to pack their belongings. The choice to move would at least see her younger children through school. Maybe it would give Joel a chance to reflect on recent events and realise his mistake. Kobe took a deep breath and, when she exhaled, she said a prayer. Darkness whispers, dear God its time to reflect. What had got into her that morning? Was it necessary to hit the doctor? Kobe closed her eyes and continued her prayer. As I lie down in the warmth and comfort of my home, let me think of others that lack this comfort. As I lie down in the warmth of my bed, let me reflect on the good and the bad things that have happened today. Please pave the way for a new beginning. That evening she felt as though she had been on a long journey to a place where tribulation grew on trees, a place where streams of tears flowed freely enough for all those who wanted to draw from them. Those without

woes in their hearts cannot relate to this burden, because all who venture into that land of desolation carry with them their own unique burden. That emotional journey was locked up inside her, waiting to be tapped into. As tears rolled down her cheeks, the trap door to her fears creaked open. The tears that rolled down her cheeks as she prayed were neither tears of sadness nor of yearning to understand. She now knew it was time to move on and to thank God for what she already had. Joel was demoted and offered a new post as registrar at a college in a remote part of the country. Kobe knew it was important her husband got the support needed in order to move on. His new post would at least sustain the family for the time being.

Chapter 13

Mpika 1979

The journey took eight hours on a road that was straight and tedious. It wouldnt take much for an inexperienced driver to fall asleep at the wheel. Stretches of virgin woodland slid by the car window, as though the family were watching a slide show of the different vegetation found in that region. All through the journey they all sat in silence, each one in their own little world. Mandy was thinking about the friends she had left behind and a fear of maybe not being able to make new ones. Meanwhile, Kobe was thinking of how the change would affect her children, though happy that Jolly, Gloria and Rita had settled into their new jobs and she was moving with just Mandy, Mumba, and now little Brian. If only Kobe had the power to see what the future held for Mandy, she would have insisted that she stay behind with her sisters. As they approached a small town, the Muchinga escarpment stretched alongside the road for miles. The trees grew thicker as they neared a stream and then a waterfall; suddenly the land was flat and dusty with little vegetation except the escarpment meandering alongside them. Villagers sat by the roadside, selling fish and sweet potatoes. Herds of goats ran across the road as the driver slowed down to avoid hitting them. It was a different kind of life from what the family was used to. Children walked to school bare-footed, carrying their schoolbooks in small plastic bags. Women carried big bundles of firewood on their heads, with babies strapped onto their backs. There were trucks laden with goods, with people perched on top, unaware of their own safety. As each sign along the road indicated they were approaching another town, the driver of the bus slowed down. Then, with a big smile on his face, he announced they had reached their destination. It had been a long eight-hour drive with a few stops for food and to refuel.

Everything around them looked strange. The shops were small and tacky; the streets had fewer people and cars. The roads were dusty and without pavements. As they turned off the main road onto a gravel road that led to the college, the bus picked up momentum as the smooth road was well maintained. It was as though they were still driving on a tarmac road. Ahead was a red and white stop barrier with a guard hut next to it, from where a friendly old man appeared. He waved to the family as he closed the barrier behind them. There was dust blowing everywhere they could hardly see the road behind them as the bus raced towards the college residential area. The drive from the barricade to the house took less than five minutes before the bus finally came to a halt at a corner house surrounded by tall grass. By the state of the garden, it was clear the place had been vacant for a while. It was a large house with big spacious rooms and large living room windows that had not been cleaned. The kitchen had a four-plate stove and white cupboards that lined the walls. The dining room and the sitting room were partitioned by a wooden shelf meant for ornaments. A short corridor led into another, making a T shape where the toilet and bathroom faced the front door. The two bedroom doors were positioned at each end of the long corridor, the third room directly situated opposite the short corridor. Kobe stood and looked around at what new home and sighed; time to unpack and God, open our hearts to love, that we may whatever we endeavour. Help us make this home, she said out loud. was to be her clean up: Dear flourish in new place our

Kobe had always been a strong Christian and joined the sisterhood now known as KBBK. As hard as she had tried to be positive about the move, the sting in her heart was discernible and her sadness easily dispensed, as her tear-filled eyes scanned the place. The way forward was to surrender and allow her new life to unfold. She knew she was doing it for her children. Kobe had no choice. Mpika town is situated in the north of the country. A small town called Serenji lies near one of the highest waterfalls in Zambia, the Kundalila Falls. It is the gateway to Northern Province as it takes you to Kasama, Chinsali, and the Mpulungu River that borders Burundi, Tanzania, and the Congo.

They had been made to move to this sparsely populated town, with about forty thousand people, ordinary and under-developed. The children had gone to a good school, but now they were going to be enrolled in a school where children sat on the floor, as they did not have desks. Each morning they were asked to bring grass brooms to sweep the teachers house and classroom before school started. It was a change in lifestyle and a psychological trauma to the children. Situated a few kilometres from the college was a place they called Danger Hills. Truck drivers who frequently drove through these hills had witnessed seeing lions crossing the road as well as other wild animals. Leading to these hills was a road that was steep and dangerous in places; it had no signs or metal road railings to alert oncoming drivers how steep the climb was, thereby earning its name. On the other side of the hills were abandoned patches of burnt millet fields that were now left with only stumps of trees sticking out from the ground; these looked like statues from afar. The forest around Danger Hills was thick, with no sign of human life along that stretch. An area that once had villages around was now deserted, making the area not habitable due to insufficient water and fierce wild animals. The view from the hills was like looking down at a green carpet woven together. It stretched out further than your eye could see, with patches of brown stripes that looked more like a pattern than branches. When Mandys family arrived, they were received well by their neighbours and people from nearby villages, who brought them food as part of the African tradition. They brought pumpkins, groundnuts, free-range chickens, watermelons, and bunches of bananas and cassava flour. With each gift was an introduction. Customarily, they told the family where they lived and what they did. Kobe had always been a social woman and it did not take her long to get to know the village folk. She understood their customs and treated them with respect. After earning their trust, she started a womens club to teach them sewing and knitting skills. No longer able to go to her political meetings, she learned other ways of keeping herself busy. The respect given to elders in that community was different from what Mandy was used to. People were humbled in their presence and knelt down when they were being talked to. It was regarded as impolite to stand over an adult if they were seated.

Mandy was lonely. She paced up and down their small bedroom, thinking of what to do. Taking the board games out, they played the games over and over until they were fed up. Their next-door neighbor had two young girls and two boys who were much too young to socialise with. The oldest boy had severe Downs syndrome that affected his mental age. He walked into their house and ate anything he could get his hands on. It took him eight years before he could stand unsupported. At age ten, he was able to walk and, indeed, he walked everywhere. Sekele was known to all the residents in the college, who would often lead him home when he wandered far away. He dribbled saliva all the time and chewed on his T-Shirts. All his shirts had holes in the front. Mandy spent hours watching Sekele through her bedroom window. He had a stick and was chasing the poor dog around the yard. When he was tired, he went after the chickens. Sekele played with the garden hose, getting himself wet and dirty. His mother would come out of the house occasionally to see what he was up to, and then disappeared into the kitchen. He was out in the garden, eating insects and small grasshoppers that he caught. At times, he would bite into raw bananas on the tree. Mandy wondered how his mother could leave him alone, unsupervised, for so many hours. As time went by, she got to know Sekele much better and she could stand at the window and say, Sekele put that down, its dirty. He would look up and laugh, then he would get up and wiggle his bottom at her, then run off. Sekele had Downs syndrome but his mother believed it was the kind of food she had consumed during pregnancy that had caused it. As time went by, Mandy began to see what great joy her mother derived from working with these village women, and occasionally tagged along. Slowly, she learnt their way of living, as she settled down in that society that had no recreational facilities or any entertainment for teenagers. Joel on the other hand was operating on auto pilot: he knew what was expected of him and that is what he did. Office meetings were painful and unproductive as everyone seemed set in their ways. Senior management spent their time serving chiefs and headmen in that area in order to acquire land, thereby neglecting office duties. 17:00 on the dot Joel strolled across the dusty road with his new office mate Dickson, briskly they walked into a garage-like structure where they perched themselves on stools and ordered a lager. The college was initiated by a Swedish organisation called Sida, built to train young students to become

agricultural assistants. It was built 15 km from the main boma (administrative centre). The college had its much-needed land for massive paddocks that were scattered all around the college, with large fields for farming. Trained personnel maintained livestock and good machinery to harvest their crops. The college produced enough food to feed the college students and villagers around them. The surplus eggs, milk, and vegetables were sold at the college agriculture shop. Kobes new neighbors were a friendly Swedish couple, Ulf and Lena, with their two young boys called Axel and Agnes. Coming to Zambia to share their knowledge, Ulf and Lena became part of that African society. They invited Kobes family over for meals and went on long walks around the college campus to show them just how large the collage was. Ulf was a tall slim young Swedish man who had a charming twitch in his right eye. His wife, Lena, was shorter and of a medium build. Coming to Africa was a dream come true, although they often wondered how their children would cope. They went to the Swedish school that was set up specially to cater to Swedish families living at the college. It was a small school with only eight students and one teacher who taught a mixed-age curriculum. After school the children played with the village boys and learnt to make wire cars. Sunset in that small college community was the highlight of the day, with the beautiful surroundings of forest flowers and tall green trees. It was breathtaking. Ulf and Lena drove to Danger Hills occasionally to watch the sun go down as they all sat around a small fire roasting pita bread and marshmallows. The risk of being eaten by lions at Danger Hill was something no African would chance and therefore never understood the European ways of thinking. In Africa, people have things they value and would take time to pursue, but to spend time out in the middle of nowhere, watching the sun go down, would be one of the last things on their list of priorities. They marveled at how much time these Europeans had to lie around in the sun, trying to get a suntan. There was nothing in that small town for a young girl like Mandy, and that was one of Kobes worries. She had made a few new friends with girls her age and sometimes went out to the main boma. One of her friends was Ann, who was married to a young lecturer at the college. She worked in the college kitchen as a nutritionist and therefore had a lot of time on her hands to socialise with Mandy. They went shopping together and

cooked homemade jam from the abundant fruit in the college orchard. Being older than Mandy, she was able to explain to her all she wanted to know about sex and relationships. Mandy also had the chance to ask Ann all the intimate questions that she could not ask her mother. Mandy was nave and had no experience whatsoever in relationships. On Saturday, the girls would go to a movie that was shown in the college dining hall. It was packed and noisy, as the audience whistled and cursed at the onscreen actors. In a community that had little or no entertainment, college events were treated with interest and enthusiasm. The community was waiting for something to happen, anything that would bring a spark of excitement into their mind-numbing lives. They turned up in numbers at every event. Anns husband went out to the college club everyday with his mates for a drink after work. They were a vibrant young couple, walking hand-in-hand around the college field, openly displaying their affection for each other. They both enjoyed their new working life at the college. Mandy watched with interest at the life around her and followed college events with curiosity. The college consisted of older married couples who had worked in the government for years. People shared everything and the culture of gossip was the order of the day. Being a small community, everyone knew everything about everyone. So when Mandy started to spend time with Ann, that became the talk of the village. It was not regarded as sensible for a married woman to have single female friends. But Ann and Mandy were from a similar background; they had both just moved from the city and shared many experiences. They listened to the same kind of music and watched the same kind of programmes. All these things were foreign to the other girls in the compound. The community did not approve of their friendship. Next door to Ann were a couple of young men who had also joined the college fresh from school. The excitement in their lives was so obvious. It was a new beginning, a house, and money to spend. They went to the college club that was a stones throw away and spent lavishly on entertainment, having no other responsibilities. The young lecturers who agreed to work in rural areas were given incentives to encourage others to take up similar postings. What they lacked, however, was cooking skills. The sweet smell of Anns cooking next door was irresistible; they lingered around, pretending

to play with Anns toddler in the hope to getting a free meal. Edward talked Ann into cooking big meals once in a while. They would invite Mandy and the guys next door around for a meal and it was during one of these occasional meals that Mandy met Gilbert. When Gilbert was not working, he would take Mandy on long bike rides on the bumpy forest paths. They went swimming and played games at the IRDP clubhouse that was situated at the main Boma. A game of volleyball and table tennis at the club required very little money, so they paid up for a month. Gilbert was funny and interesting to talk to. As for Mandy, life in that small town was now becoming more interesting because shed found someone to spend her spare time with other than Ann. She looked forward to their bike ride in the forest each day. Although it was not clear what kind of relationship they were having, they enjoyed each others company. In a country composed of many different tribes and cultures, it was a stumbling block for many relationships. Differences between two families could arise during a nuptial agreement due to the fact that they belonged to different tribes. Conflicts in workplaces were inevitable if there was a predominance of a certain tribe. Tribal differences were visible in politics and religion. A silent hostility prowled every inch of that Dark Continent. Mandy and Gilbert were having so much fun that the clan concern did not seem an issue at all. They rarely discussed each others backgrounds, so Mandy knew nothing about Gilbert. Often he said he was the oldest son in his family and the burden was upon him to look after his parents, brothers, and sister. And each semester, he journeyed home and only returned a few days before college reopened again. Having no cell phones at the time, there were no other ways to keep in touch, except to wait. That relationship continued sightlessly, neither knowing what they were looking for. A year into their relationship, Mandy became pregnant. Too afraid to share the news with anyone, she tried to conceal the pregnancy for as long as she could. She ate whatever was set before her and did not suffer from morning sickness. She walked long distances without feeling stressed in any way, and played chicken-in-theden with her young sisters. Kobe had asked her niece to come and stay with the family so that she could take a culinary course at a

local community centre in Mpika. Her brother George was struggling to bring up eight children after his wife had deserted him. Chanda was the youngest in that family and had dropped out of school at a young age. Shortly after the family moved to Mpika, Chanda joined the family.

It has always been the culture for an uncle or an aunt to look after nieces and nephews as Temba had looked after Winston and Mimi. Joel did not believe in extended families so, it took a lot of persuasion on the part of Kobe to convince him to accept Chanda into the family. It was hard enough as it was for Joel to live and work in that small town. The last thing he wanted was to add unwanted problems to the already difficult family lifestyle and his unstable job. Luckily, Kobe and Joel had now come to some agreement; they were going to make the best of their present situation for the sake of their young children and not dwell in the past. A devoted Christian, Chanda went to church every Sunday and joined the choir as soon as she was baptized into Kobes church. The few times Mandy went along with Kobe and Joel, Chanda would usher them to their seats, proudly wearing the church sash. She joined the Holy Communion procession and collected offering at the end of the service. During a short space of time, many other small churches began to mushroom in the area, all competing to get as many followers as possible. Some served coffee and biscuits after services, other served a simple meal, whilst others went even further and offered secondhand clothes and shoes. The rivalry among all these new churches brought confusion to the local villagers when they began to witness spiritual healing and testimony from demonic cleansing. Undecided, Chanda jumped from one church to another, meanwhile proffering her good voice to the church choir. Most Fridays she would stay for overnight prayers and only came home in the morning, completely exhausted but in good spirits. Chanda narrated all the strange goings-on that happened during demonic cleansing and how she witnessed people transform. Most times Mandy was only half listening because she had never taken an interest in things like that.

Mandy was going to a fish market with Ann one day at that time. She woke up early and left the house before her young sisters got out of bed. The drive to the market was bumpy, which made Mandy feel sick. Having not eaten anything that morning, it was about the only time she was affected in that way since she fell pregnant. Mandy had no experience buying fish but with Ann by her side she bought plenty of good fish without a clue of how to cook it. When they came back, she went straight into the shower after putting the fish in the freezer. Mandy was not going to cook that fish; the smell had put her off it completely. If only her mother had been around, the family could have enjoyed a tasty meal of fresh fish.

Kobe had travelled to the city to prepare for Jollys wedding while Joel stayed back with the children. Before she left she had asked Mandy to help Chanda get to her school and back and also to make sure she did not spend her transport money on biscuits. Jolly is the first born child in Mandys family she now lived and worked in the city as a secretary for an insurance company. Before the family left the city she had just started dating Alfa, a miller at a local milling company. Jolly had grown into a fine responsible young lady making Joel and Kobe proud. Coming from a family of policemen, Alfa was sensible and well-mannered and often complimented Jolly for offering him a more relaxed environment that was not regimented in anyway. Jolly, Rita and Gloria shared an apartment in the outskirt of the city; to survive without Jolly would be a challenge. Mandy decided to cook sausages for lunch and mashed potatoes for supper. She called Chanda a few times to come to the kitchen to help her, but she kept pacing up and down and didnt seem to concentrate on anything. She walked in and out of the kitchen; she opened the back door then closed it again without leaving the house. When Mandy went into the living room all the curtains were drawn, as were the curtains in all the other rooms in the house. Chanda refused to come into the kitchen. She covered her eyes as though trying to avoid the light and all the people in the house and kept her head down in a strange posture. Fed up, Mandy suggested Chanda could help with the dishes after supper but nevertheless was still wondering why she was acting that way. Are you feeling okay Chanda? Mandy asked her as she walked past her. Without a clear response she walked by,

making strange deep grunts. Mandy felt a little uncomfortable but brushed it aside and went on to do the dishes. Mandys young sister Mumba ran into the kitchen before she even finished cleaning up. Mandy, come and see how Chanda is behaving, she said, I dont want to sleep in the same room as her, Im scared, she said. Mandy stood there for a minute not knowing how to react; she wiped her hands still not knowing what to say to Mumba. Without a hint to the others, Mandy had felt more and more uncomfortable at Chandas strange behavior that afternoon. How could she mask that for the sake of her young sisters? Mandy had to confirm her suspicion before she jumped to any conclusion. Chanda was lying on the floor grunting loudly. Mandy crouched down beside her. Chanda, whats the matter? Eyes wide open, hands and finger spread out she rolled around gently on the floor. Im not Chanda, she said in a deep, male voice. Mandy jumped back, landing on her bottom; slowly she slid backwards, aided by the polished floor. As she backed away, a male voice began to laugh at her. What are you afraid of, Mandy? Are you afraid your little secret will be revealed? the voice said. Mandy looked behind and quickly asked her sisters to lock themselves up in Mandys bedroom. Im not going to hurt them I just want to talk to you, it continued. Mandy stopped moving, without standing up, she bravely began to slide forward. If Mandy could keep Chanda talking she could quickly stand up and lock the door then leave the house to call for help. What do you want to talk to me about? Mandy asked in a shaky voice. How could she be sure if Chanda was conscious of what was happening or was she just putting on an act having sat through all those demonic healings? No sooner had those thought gone through Mandys mind an instant response came. You dont believe she is possessed by a demon. You are planning to lock the door and run out for help, the voice said in a kind of whisper. I had another body that

I lived in but I was chased out of it last night. Thats why I came home with her. The voice was now deeper and angrier. Mandy was now shaking all over. You are pregnant, arent you, Mandy? Do you want me to tell you more? Your father lost his expensive wristwatch given to him as a gift from England. I know where the watch is. How could Chanda have knowledge of all those details? She had not lived in the family that long. Surely no one knew Mandy was pregnant, not even Gilbert. Where is the watch? Mandy asked in an angry voice, baffled at how Chanda could suddenly read her mind and reveal intimate details. Its in Joels best friends office drawer. He stole it in the hope of selling it next time he travelled to the city. Do you want him to suffer? Mandy knew it was time to lock the door. Slowly, she got up and closed the door. Chanda did not seem bothered at all. She simply continued to speak to Mandy even when the door was locked. You dare feed me with pork, cassava leaves and bottle fish. If you do, I will take Chanda deep into the forest and never return. Today you brought that stinky fish into the house and tomorrow you are going to buy pork. The college vegetable and animal farm had stopped the slaughter of pigs until Christmas to allow them to breed. Mandy was planning to go the shop this week to buy eggs, milk, and fruit. There is no way she was going to listen to this. She removed the key and ran out of the house. Mandy reached Kobes friends place out of breath. Without wasting any time, they both ran back to see if their worst fears had come true. I just hope she hasnt come home with a demon that could harm you, Mama Brenda said as they walked into Mandys yard. On the path leading to the house, a strange figure was moving toward them, flipping at a good speed on her hands and feet in a cartwheel motion. Both hands over her head like a monkey and her leg in a curved posture. It was like watching the numeral eight doing a cartwheel. Mandy ran into Brendas arms, screaming with fear.

Sekeles father and older brother ran out to see what was happening after hearing all the commotion outside. They joined to chase Chanda and shouted to the other neighbours to come and help. Chanda was now heading towards the paddock. She flipped over the barbed wire as if she were a rag doll. The door to the bedroom had not been tampered with and was still locked. The curtain was partially drawn and grill bars on one window were exposed. Chanda had opened the window and managed to squeeze through the bars. There is no way anyone can get through those bars, Mama Brenda said, inspecting the window closely. When they finally caught up with Chanda and carried her back, Mandy unlocked the door to allow four strong men who had borne her to hold her down. Meanwhile, they waited for the college doctor to arrive. Mama Brenda seemed worried and she volunteered to stay the night with Mandy in case her relative tried to escape again. Chanda suddenly started to bang her head on the floor while rolling around like a young child throwing a tantrum. Then her body went limp. Mama Brenda and Mandy got up to see if she was still breathing. Slowly, her stiff body begun to relax as if nothing had happened and she fell asleep. The college doctor arrived and felt it was not necessary to give her a sedative; he would return in the morning to check on her condition. If she does wake up, please move the children out of the house and get as far away from her as possible, medical assistant Jake said. He had worked in the area for many years and it was not the first time he had been confronted by a case like that. When Chanda woke up the next morning it was as though nothing happened. Why are you all looking at me like that? she asked at the breakfast table. Mandy, mama Brenda and Mumba were having breakfast when she appeared. As usual she made herself a cup of tea and sat at the table. How did you sleep, Chanda? Mandy asked. Very well, thank you, Chanda answered in an unsuspecting voice. How is your head feeling? Mandy continued staring at her closely. Chanda laughed. Whats the matter with you today? If my head is hurting or if Im not feeling well I will

tell you. You dont normally ask me if my head is hurting, she said, biting into her crispy toast. Mandy didnt know what to say and exchanged a look across the table with Mama Brenda. Chanda had no recollection of anything she had said or done the night before. When Mama Brenda told her what they saw her do, she was shocked and filled with fear. Downhearted, Mandy watched the young girls confused expression. Chanda put the cup of tea down and slowly got up, and without looking back she left the room. That afternoon she went back to the church to ask the pastor to arrange an exorcism. What astonished Mandy was how accurate all the information Chanda said that night turned out to be. Joel did not take what he was told seriously, and jokingly said to his friend, Rueben, I hear you have my lost wrist watch in your desk drawer. Yes I found it a few days ago, I meant to give it back to you, Rueben responded, not happy at how lightly Joel spoke about it. Wait a minute, are you saying you have my watch, and have not said anything? We have looked for that watch everywhere. Only the other day you told me to forget about it. Now you say its been sitting in your desk drawer? Joel could not believe his eyes when his wristwatch was handed back to him. What he did believe though was that friendship would never be the same again. Chanda did not suffer any bruises from that eventful night nor were her hands at all calloused from walking on them over the rough ground. Her only complaint was that she felt rather tired and was never really convinced if Mandy and Mama Brenda were just trying to pull her leg. Mandy walked into the room where Chanda was now sitting on the floor. Three church elders and two pastors stood around her. Mandy was not used to spending her evening in an old building waiting for someone to be exorcised! She would rather be at home looking after her sisters. Unfortunately, she had to be there for Chanda. What would she say to Kobe if something happened to her niece? Legs folded, she sat down and leaned against a dirty wall near the main entrance. If things become uncomfortable for her, she would just slip out of the room without anyone noticing.

When Mandy was growing up, her grandmother had told her many stories of people that she knew were possessed. The demons seemed to manifest in the face of darkness and disappeared in the light of day. They had total control over the host body. In that state people who were possessed by demons could do strange things that they would not normally do, like climbing up and down a tree at full speed, walking on their hands or speaking in an unknown or different language. This evening we have to work together in order to achieve positive results. If anyone in this room has any doubts, please leave the room. The young pastor announced. Not sure what to do, Mandy did not move. She was there for a different reason. Doubts or no doubts, she had to stay there to make sure no harm came to Chanda. Three pastors started to chant verses from the Bible at the top of their voices and shouted, Leave this child! Starting at a lower tone, the church elder joined in by echoing what the pastors were saying. In a short time the room was filled with chanting noises. Chanda begun to roll around on the floor. As the chanting got louder, the rolling became more rapid. She flew into the air and landed with a thump several times. The demon was angry and refused to leave. You will not get rid of me. This is now my home, the male voice said. Mandy began to shift back slowly in fear it might attack her. The three elders were also moving backwards slowly, their voices shaking. The sound of the demons voice was above all the voices in the room and with it came a strange fear. I will destroy you and destroy Chanda if you do not leave me alone, he said. You cannot frighten a man of God! In the name of Jesus, I command you to leave! Pastor Chimuzimu yelled back, now completely covered in sweat. The room had small windows and that was one of the reasons it had been chosen, in case Chanda tried to escape. According to the pastor, in her state any small opening was sufficient for her to escape. Sweating from the warmth in the room, the men continued to command the demon to leave her body. Mandy was now beginning to think they had to give up as Chanda was knocking herself on the walls around the room, jumping over Mandy in the process.

The sounds the demon made and the argument that went on for a good four hours was unpleasant for Mandy and Mama Brenda to sit through. Suddenly, Chanda started to calm down. Im leaving for now, but I will be back Chanda said in a male voice. Then there was silence in the room, except the hard breathing from all the men in the room who were involved in the ordeal. Mandy and Mama Brenda were asked to wait for another hour for Chanda to come round fully. When she did she quickly sat up, looked around her and asked why she was laying down. The pastor said a prayer and the three left. Chanda was back to her normal self, completely oblivious of what had happened in the room. Mandy asked Mama Brenda if she could stay the night. She wasnt sure if all was well with Chanda. After dinner, Chanda washed the dishes and sat down to watch television with Mumba and Brian. By the time it was bedtime, things were back to normal. Lying on her bed, Mandy took her favourite magazine and started to flick through. Quiet and peace returned to the house, Mandy fell asleep and the magazine she was reading fell to the floor. When Mandy opened her eyes, Mama Brenda was standing over her. Chandas gone! she said in a panic. Mandy jumped out of bed slipped on the magazine and hit her lower lip on the edge of the bed. As much as she was against floor polish, Kobe preferred to use it on all the floors in the house. She felt shiny floors were easier to clean. Mama Brenda helped Mandy up. They ran out of the house calling Chandas name. It was difficult to know exactly where to begin looking for her. The college was surrounded by dense forest inhabited by all kinds of creatures. Dark and cold, they combed the college grounds with the help of neighbours and friends, but there was no sign of Chanda anywhere. In the morning Mandy called Kobe to tell her the sad news. Kobe urged them not to lose heart but to continue the search. About midnight the same day, Kobe arrived. It had been a difficult three days for Mandy. She was tired due to lack of sleep, and her chin and lower cheek were swollen from the fall. Kobe, Mandy and Mama Brenda sat in Chandas bedroom thinking of what to do next. Mandy was amazed at how calm her mother was. She sat on Chandas bed contemplating on who to consult.

Kobe had managed to make a name for herself. The village folk respected her for all the help and skills she offered. She taught them how to bake, sew and knit; three good skills to have in any household at the time. Weve got to find a way of calling the demon back. What was its name? Kobe asked. Mandy and Mama Brenda exchanged puzzled looks. They all have names. Just think back of when you spoke to it, Kobe said. Mama Brenda looked at Kobe and then said, She did say at one time something about Kilimanjaro or manjaro. That was all Kobe was looking for. She went out and called a spiritual healer. Goodness me, thought Mandy, was it going to be another six hours of chanting? The woman was dressed in white and held a short whip. In a large metal bucket she had roots from the big umbrella thorn tree, Acacia torlilis, soaked in water. The strong smell from the roots was enough to knock you out; Mandy couldnt mask this in her pregnant state. As the woman passed the bucket around for everyone in the room to serve themselves, Mandy took the smallest cup in the house. Bravely she took a sip then walked slowly through the door without attracting attention. Mandy couldnt stomach that smelly straw-coloured fluid. She started to throw up in a flowerbed by the houses front door. They chanted the demons name and asked it to pardon the confusion. Mandy could hardly keep her eyes open. Tired and hungry, she couldnt wait to get into bed. Kobe looked at her and insisted she go to bed without knowing just how terrified Mandy was to be alone in another room. What if the demon returned? She would be the perfect target. Mandy shook her head at the thought. In no time at all, Chanda walked in. She was dirty and seemed confused, clearly not the Chanda the family knew. She couldnt have been very far from the house. As soon as she entered the room she threw herself on the floor and began to roll around, grunting loudly but without uttering a word. The spiritual healer stood at her feet. You are going to sit up and listen to us. She was talking as though she had hypnotized her. Chanda slowly sat up and looked at the woman as though begging for her life eyes wide open and grunting very loudly.

Leave now and never return the woman said in a calm voice. You are not a peaceful demon, causing harm to a young girl like this. Chanda slowly went back down to the floor in a manner that was calm and not terrifying. She was not throwing herself around the room like before. She seemed tired and drowsy. The woman walked up to her and started to shake her gently, Chanda wake up, wake up you are going to be fine. Chanda opened her eyes. She looked around the room and saw everyone, including Kobe, who was supposed to be in the city. What happened, she said, crawling toward Kobe in fear. Kobe held her, and shaking and afraid, Chanda started to cry. Here, drink this quickly. The woman held a cup to her mouth. With Kobe holding her, Chanda took a few gulps. It was easy to watch but difficult to understand and forget. The spiritual healer seemed to have experience in dealing with demons and that was evident by the way she spoke and took control of the situation. Youve all got to continue to take this smelly medicine. Its the only way to keep that demon away, the woman said. How long are we supposed to take it for, and why all of us? asked Mandy, knowing how difficult it was for her to stomach it. The reason she asked them to drink this liquid was because of its strong smell. You could smell it miles away. She believed the smell kept the demon away. After three or four days, the demon would give up waiting. Mandy threw herself on the bed she was too tired to do anything. All she wanted was a good nights sleep. Happy that Kobe was back, she didnt have to worry if anything happened that night; her mother would take care of it. Chanda slept like a log that night and when she woke up the next morning she said she felt as though a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She was left with bruises and scratches inflicted through running among thorn bushes, but the demon never returned.

Mandy enjoyed working in her mothers kitchen and doing most of the housework. When her mother travelled to the city, she took over the running of the house. She was a responsible young girl and Kobe knew that about her. In the past, she had suffered from menstrual cramps for years, but now she was enjoying the break from all the pain she endured each month. Nevertheless, her concealed secret was lingering at the back of her mind, no matter how hard she tried to put it off. The discussion she had had with the so-called demon was true but shocking. What Mandy did not also realize was that Kobe knew she was pregnant and was just buying time to see how long she would hold out. One morning, Mandy dashed to the kitchen and found her mum preparing breakfast. She stood over the kitchen sink, trying to reach the cupboard for a cereal bowl. Her morning hunger pangs were something she could not put off. Hands shaking, she poured the cereal onto her plate and rushed to the fridge to get the milk. Mandy could feel her mothers eyes on her as she put a spoonful of cornflakes into her mouth. Kobe smiled, then started to tell her a story: A young girl was out in the field with her grandmother, planting sweet potatoes. The girl asked her granny, How will we know when the sweet potatoes are ready to be harvested? Her granny answered, with a little smile, My dear child, when sweet potatoes are ready, they will break the soil and reveal themselves. Mandy always enjoyed her mothers stories. She was fond of telling her daughters stories about life and others told to her by her grandmother. And normally, after a story, she would ask the girls what the moral behind the story was. The tale she told Mandy that morning was a message to let her know that she knew her daughter was hiding something from her. Her change in complexion and the sudden disappearance of menstrual cramps would not go unnoticed. And how would she stop the baby from popping out? Mandy had to confess to Kobe that evening; a big weight she had been carrying around with her was suddenly lifted from her shoulders. When her friends discovered that she was pregnant, they advised her not to look at Sekele. Their fear was she might give birth to a similar child. That, of course, scared her. How could she avoid Sekele? He was in their kitchen all the time. When she opened the bedroom window each morning, he was out playing in the garden. Such beliefs were difficult to dismiss, especially for a young girl.

Kobe laughed when Mandy told her one morning not to draw the curtain. People will say all kinds of things; you have to try to ignore these things, she said to her, opening the curtains and the windows. I have seven children and Ive seen different forms of physically and mentally handicapped children. Looking at them does not affect you in any way. But they said I should spit on my belly each time I see Sekele! Kobe couldnt help laughing. Dont be silly. You dont want to get into the habit of spitting, do you? I cant stand pregnant women who spit. The two families had to get together to discuss how best they could help Mandy and Gilbert. So Kobe organized to meet Gilberts relatives. Close relatives and neighbors were invited to witness the meeting. It was done to avoid any unfairness and unreasonable requests for large sums of money. Mandys family was not interested in getting money from Gilbert for damages, but rather, sought a way forward. And, as expected, he did not deny the case put before him, but his mother looked at him with disappointment in her eyes. How can you get involved with a woman from another tribe? she said to him in Tokaleya, a language spoken in the western part of the country. We will bear the costs, Gilberts mother said as she looked up at Kobe with no remorse in her voice. She downplayed Kobes tribe and thought they were too close to the Congolese tribe that had a low moral standing in society. The experience was novel to Mandy and her parents. Kobe was not going to negotiate for her daughters happiness and she made that clear. She was happy to look after Mandy. It was as though they were haggling over bags of potatoes for the best deal possible. They openly criticized her family in the hope of escaping responsibility. If the tribe was more important than the unborn child, it was not worth that relationship. After the meeting, Gilbert thought his relationship with Mandy could still continue, but that was not the case. The earlier she broke off ties with him, the better. She felt disappointed at his lack of concern. It was an immature relationship that had now brought about unhappiness. The pain that that experience left was now in her heart and would be there for a long time.

Mandy stayed at home and played cards with Mumba. In the evening, she would take out the sewing machine and alter her dresses. Its not necessary, Mandy, you will wear those clothes again, Kobe told her. All she wanted was to keep herself busy and not think about Gilbert. When Joel was asked for his opinion on the matter, he said, My daughters are not for sale. He did not even see the need to meet with Gilberts relatives. A few months later, Mandy learnt that Gilbert was leaving the college for further studies sponsored by the government. It was a relief. Edward had been the first to leave, leaving Ann pregnant with their second child. He went to Leeds to complete his masters programme. Gilbert was going to Tanzania. Her worry was not whether she was going to see him again, but that he could get as far away from her as possible. Meeting him at the farm shop and around the college was proving difficult. He tried on several occasions to meet her, as he said he had something important he wanted to discuss with her. She was not going to fall for his charm again. If he wanted to talk to her, it had to be at her parents house. A day before he left the college, he gathered courage and came to see Mandy. Gilbert had now become a stranger to her. He fiddled with his pen, trying to find the best way to say goodbye to Mandy. She stood looking at him without taking her eyes off him, hoping he didnt have any more tricks under his sleeve. Not having anything good to say, he finally confessed there was another woman in his life who was also expecting a child. Mandy had heard whispers about that other woman. She was from a tribe that bordered Mandys tribe and was nowhere near the Tokaleyas. And why are you telling this after denying it from the beginning? she asked him. I have been thinking about this for a long time. Whoever is going to give birth to a baby boy would be the woman I would marry. Mandy was not interested in that kind of antagonism. That relationship was over. He had taken advantage of the situation and did not think about the two women who were carrying his children. Her anger turned to tears as she thought, I kneel down in prayer, I pray for many different things and dont seem

to get them. Why are my prayers not being answered? have to pray in a certain way? This is so unfair.

Do I

Chapter 14

1981 Mpika

Mandy was twenty-one when she fell pregnant. Nave and inexperienced, her entire life fell apart. In cases like this, it was a womans fault and never the mans fault. Society treated harshly girls who fell pregnant. Mandy would not have been given contraceptives at a local clinic even if she wanted them, because she was not married and, of course, abortion was illegal, not that she ever thought about it. Her girlfriends talked about ways of having an abortion using traditional medicines that had seen young girls in early graves. If it meant being thrown out of her parents house, Mandy was prepared to take the consequences for her actions. Having witnessed how certain friends had suffered left her apprehensive. They cried at the heartbreaking news of being told their womb had to be removed due to the irreversible damage from an abortion, and those stories lingered in her mind. Some teenagers and girls her age had died trying abortions using traditional medicines. Mandy was not going to take that path even if society chastised her, turning her into a human signpost of a girl gone bad.

It was not long before all this was put in the past and the family was preparing for the newly-wed couple, Jolly and Alfa, to visit Mpika town. When Kobe had gone to their wedding a couple of months before, she was excited to show them off to her neighbours and friends. Joel had also sent out a hunting party to prepare for a family barbeque. Living in the rural town, hunting was permitted with a permit; it was also a way of curbing the rampant surge of poaching in the area. When the couple arrived, they were accorded a grand welcome. Kobe and Joel were now settled into the new community and enjoyed cordial relations with neighbours and friends. It was seen as an achievement for Kobe and Joel to marry off their eldest daughter. Mandy asked her mother if she could go to the city to attend the wedding, but Kobe was very reluctant. She

did, however, promise her and her young sisters that the couple would travel to see them as soon as possible. If Jolly and Alfa were coming to visit, this could be her chance to travel back to the city with them; Mandy had other plans in mind. She and Ann would travel back with the couple in the hope of doing their baby shopping.

It was Saturday when they boarded a bus to the capital, oblivious of what lay ahead of them. Mandy and her friend, Ann, sat together, while Alfa and Jolly sat a few seats behind them. Having spent a week with the family, they were ready to go back to the city. Kobe had given them a piece of unpolished ivory as a token. It was hot and humid inside the bus. The whole aisle was packed with bags and boxes, making it difficult to walk in and out of the bus. Travelling in those days was difficult enough without overloading a bus. The only buses available at the time were government-owned, under the United Bus Company. Passengers were allowed to take anything except their houses. The carriers above were loaded to capacity, making the bus look like a double-decker bus without windows on the top. Passengers did not pay for comfort or safety; they paid to get from one point to another. After a two-hour journey, the bus came to a stop at the first police roadblock. Everyone lined up along the side of the bus and unpacked all their belongings. The items were spread out on the ground for inspection. Meanwhile, passengers held up their national registration cards before entering the bus. It was a job for idle men who had all the time in the world to go through peoples belongings. Couldnt the government put into place a better system than that? Mandy grumbled as she struggled back to her seat. The exercise took a good two hours to complete and soon they were on their way again. That was only two hours into the eight-hour journey ahead of them;they had hardly started off, and two hours were wasted already. Mandy was trying to settle down but finding it difficult. Her big bump was almost touching the seat in front of her. Sitting with Ann was not at all a good idea; they squirmed round, making each other even more uncomfortable. Hardly had they gone a few miles before the bus stopped for refueling, and passengers were asked to disembark yet again. The bus reappeared a couple of

hours later. The amazing thing, though, was the unbelievable patience the travellers had. They didnt have a choice, did they? Upon getting back to her seat for the second time, Mandy feel asleep instantly. Ann woke her up at the last roadblock that was situated four hundred kilometres from the capital city, but it seemed as if she had just nodded off. The second roadblock was specially set up by game guards; they prowled the bus, searching every inch of the bus, unconcerned where they stepped or who they stepped on, leaving a big mess behind them, as passengers swore under their breaths. Having gone through the other roadblock without a problem, the couple did not hesitate to open their bag and the game guards found the piece of ivory in Jolly and Alfas bag, which was not concealed in any way. They immediately demanded the license. In her sleepy state, Mandy could not make sense of what was happening. Ann had got out of her seat and was now arguing with the wardens outside the bus, trying to explain to them that it was a licensed kill. Mandy walked over a few bags as she too got off the bus. Mandy had been sitting on the bus for a couple of hours and now felt she needed to go the toilet. The night was cool and fresh; above her the moon shone through the trees, casting dancing shadows on the tar road. The wind rustled the leaves, bringing with it a cool breeze. The pleasure of being outside that bus was unforgettable. Mandy was now beginning to make sense of the situation. She could hear the chief warden saying they would detain the couple until a valid license was produced. Mandy rushed out of the bushes, pulling her dress down. Good Lord, she thought, now fully aware, this might be the end of their journey to the city. Glancing at Jolly, she immediately knew that would not sit well with her, and therefore tried to avoid eye contact with her sister, even with the limited light from the bus. Mandy suggested Alfa should continue the journey to the city and from there he could contact Kobe. Slowly, the three took their luggage off the bus, not knowing how long it would take before Kobe arranged for the license. Mandy had always been a calm person by nature; even in situations that would normally get others worked up; she remained calm. Sometimes she was uncomfortably calm, and it annoyed people around her. Right now, she was feeling tired and was ready to lie down, irrespective of where they were. Reluctant to leave his wife behind, Alfa

had no choice. He was supposed to report back to work that Monday after taking days off for his wedding. By now, Jolly was in tears, as Ann frantically tried to calm her down. Their hearts sank as the bus drove off without them. A campsite with three enormous tents, all well-lit, came into view as they walked down a slope. Nearby was a tree with three big cotton water bottle sacks hanging from a branch. Not far from the tree was a whole skinned duiker hanging upside down under a small but shady tree. Underneath that same tree, a middle-aged man was lying on a blanket, reading a small religious book with the aid of the light from one of the big tents. Timidly, they walked behind the warden who led them to one of the tents that had an electric bulb hanging in the middle. The tent seemed quite comfortable and high enough for an average adult to stand upright. Made from green canvas, the design looked like a green house. It had plastic windows and good ventilation. That particular tent was used mainly to store foodstuff and other items in boxes that had probably been confiscated at the roadblock before they were taken to head office. Mushili, the man in charge, was not happy to see two pregnant women in a file behind the warden. It did not involve them at all and therefore, there was no reason for Mandy and Ann to have stayed behind, he explained to the junior wardens. My sister and the brother-in-law were given the ivory as a gift by my parents. We are traveling to the city to stay with her, so how, then, could we go without her? Mandy quickly responded, rubbing her back. Even though the old man was not talking to her, he turned round to look at Ann and said, What about you? Where do you come into all this? Friend to the family--what if I go back without them? tent, grumbling to himself, with women? They just want will I say to their parents Chief Warden Mushili left the Women! Aha! What do you do to get me into trouble.

Mushili had a fatherly look about him and could have been at least sixty. Years of experience had obviously landed him that job, and he took care not to ruin his reputation. Kindly, he invited them to join the group round the campfire. Please come and warm yourselves by the fire; its a cold night. Jolly refused to go anywhere near them, but Mandy and Ann were ready to sit down after all the drama. Politely, they were offered

comfortable camp chairs and tea in silver metal cups that burnt their lips on contact. The warmth from the fire was relaxing and the pregnant women stretched out in ease. Oh, this is nice, remarked Mandy, to the dismay of her sister. The night went by quickly as they spent most of it outside, listening to all kinds of funny stories, narrated by the wardens while they ate roasted sweet potatoes. Finally, they retired and joined Jolly back in the tent, still wide awake. Sulking, she settled down for the night. It was a comfortable night with no disturbances, just occasional noises from buses stopping at the roadblock, and the sound of them driving off from a distance. All three slept soundly that night. The campsite was situated in a famous farming block called Mkushi that had many white farmers settled in the area. It had grown considerably in size and scale. Located about five kilometres from the campsite, was the administrative town of Mkushi, which was the gateway to the north and a good point to curtail the poaching industry. But looking at what they had in terms of resources, one wondered how viable the exercise was. The next morning, Mandy, Jolly and Ann were shown where the showers were. Looking around, they could see villages very close by and a municipal council building that looked like a motel. As the others walked back to the tent, Mandy stopped to greet the old man they had seen reading under the small tree last night. He was roasting duiker meat for his breakfast. Why didnt you join everyone round the camp fire last night? Mandy asked him curiously. Yeah, these stupid guys detained me yesterday; we were a group of six in a safari truck coming from a hunting spree with our boss, a white farmer, and we couldnt account for all the animals we had killed. What do you mean account for? Mandy asked. Well, we were supposed to kill six, as indicated on the license, but we killed seven so they wanted us to leave one at the road block. I stayed back to make sure I ate my labours worth of meat. Its rough out there, you know.

Oh, Iyes, Im sure it is, Mandy said, trying to make sense of what he meant. He seemed not at all in a hurry to get back and was prepared to spend a week, if it took him that much time to get through the duiker. After gathering all that information, Mandy quickly went back to the tent to share the chitchat with the others. Mandys observation, however, was that the junior wardens at the campsite played hide-and-seek with the old man. They kept a close eye on him and each time he went to the toilet they pinched some of his meat because all they had to eat was canned beans and peas. They could not resist licking their lips when the old man started to roast tender pieces of fresh game meat. Lucky for him, hanging the meat upside down in the open, the cold June temperature kept the meat fresh as he cured it using fresh banana leaves. The afternoon was hot and dry. Lazing about on the cold canvas, chatting, Mandy, Jolly, and Ann decided to stay in the tent. Before long, Ann and Jolly dozed off. Mandy rarely slept during the daytime, so she sat there, hoping Kobe would come to their rescue. Accustomed now to the sound of buses approaching the roadblock, she waited in the hope of hearing her mothers voice outside the tent. Mandy was more worried about Jolly; the longer they stayed there, the more likely she would get dehydrated, as she refused to eat or drink anything. She also repeatedly discouraged them from talking and even joking with the wardens who had detained her. But Mandys thinking was just the opposite of that--it didnt help matters even if they zipped their mouths; the officers were not going to let them go until proof of the license arrived. If Mandy and Ann wanted to leave, no one would stop them, but how could they leave their sister there? Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a sound coming from the other end of the tent. She quickly got up to see if someone had entered the tent from behind. Moving around at the other end of the tent was Joe, Mushilis son, filling his pockets with capsules of medicine. What do you think you are doing? Mandy asked. Startled, he realized the girls were in the tent. Please, dont tell my father, Im still on probation, I beg of you, he said, with his hands still in his pocket. His combat trouser pockets were full. Joe was taking medicines that had been confiscated at the roadblock and selling them to villagers, who

thought capsules cured every illness. Before Mandy could say another word, Joe ran out of the tent the same way he came in. The trend of selling illegal drugs on the black market was on the increase. Antibiotics were sold to customers who did not have prescriptions. As for these poor villagers, they treated any illness with the same drug, regardless of the consequences. Later that afternoon, Mandy told Ann about that incident and suggested maybe she should talk to Chief Warden Mushili when the time was right. Joe came back to the campsite a couple of hours later and began to hover around Mandy, trying to find a chance to talk to her and Ann. When the others went off for their roadblock duty, he knelt down in front of Mandy. Look, I can talk my father into letting you go-just please dont tell him what happened this afternoon. It was too much to take, especially knowing peoples lives were involved. What do you need the money for when you get a salary? Mandy asked him. I dont need money; all I do is exchange the medicine for locally brewed beer and food. Ann looked at him and said. So, what are you waiting for? Go ahead, tell Mushili to let us go. Mandy did not want to get involved in their family affairs, but the thought of all those innocent lives that Joe was putting into danger made it difficult for her to ignore the situation. She still had to find a way to tell his father. Mandys heart was cold and bitter; tears collected in her eyes as she stared out to the road in anger. How dare he trade their release with such dishonesty? Dashing off to the roadside, Mandy and Ann stood by the campsite as Joe approached his father in the distance. After a lengthy chat that left the ladies wondering if indeed he had kept his word, he got up, waved to them, and then disappeared behind some long grass, obviously along a foot path, that led to a small village. As Mushili walked towards them, they quickly sat down, pretending they were unaware of what was happening. It was clear something had changed; he had a big smile on his gentle face as he said,

Im so sorry, my dear children. He put his hand on Mandys shoulder. Why didnt you tell me you were in the same class as my daughter, Angela, at Lusaka Nursing Home College? Tomorrow morning you may leave with the first bus--we are family now and we should learn to help each other. We will take the ivory off you, Im afraid, but the next time you decide to take anything like that on the bus, you have to have the documentation. Jolly could not believe the good news; immediately she started to put her belongings together and for the first time in three nights, she had her first meal. Her suggestion was that they leave immediately, before he changed his mind. It was a happy last evening at the camp and Mandy actually enjoyed it very much. The old man, who kept to himself, joined the group and all enjoyed the remainder of the meat, roasting it on sticks over the campfire. The cool evening breeze, with a full moon and the crackling, burning logs from the campfire only added to the cheery atmosphere. The girls were planning on an early night for an early start. Suddenly, shouting interrupted the calm as someone was calling from the main road. The three wardens at the campsite and the old man got up and immediately ran to the roadside as fast as they could. Mandy, Jolly and Ann remained by the fire, wondering what had happened; had someone been run over? Hardly a few minutes passed when they saw one of the wardens running back. Mandy, come quickly, Mushili wants you now. Its Joe. He is lying on the ground unconscious. Mushili has sent me to call the nurse. Mandy almost fainted at the word nurse. She slowly got up and, for a minute she thought she was going into labour. Quickly, they walked to the roadside. Mushili was kneeling down, asking the crowd to move back as he saw Mandy approach. God is great; it had to happen while you are here. Mandy almost turned back, but something in her said no. What, in the name of God, am I going to do? Look what you got me into, she swore under her breath. Mandy looked at Joes limp body lying on a cushion of dry grass; she took his hand and felt his pulse. She had learnt this when she went for antenatal clinic and, one thing for sure, he was still alive.

Joe had passed out completely and was reeking of alcohol. But what if he had also taken an overdose of drugs? She decided they should take him back to the campsite. As Joe was carried back, he came to and began moaning faintly, as though he were in pain. Probably he had just fallen asleep. Mandy quickly went into the tent and reappeared with a bottle of activated charcoal powder given to her by her Swedish friend Ingrid. Mandy had always had a sensitive stomach and that had come in handy for her a few times before. After mixing it in water, she put the cup to his mouth. With the help of the warden, Joe drank the black liquid, leaving him with a black powder moustache. Joe was conscious enough to swallow, but too weak to say anything. As they put his head down, Joe rolled over and began to vomit. If they had milk at the campsite, she would have suggested that, because she suspected he had taken some pills. The more he threw up, the less strength he had. Mandy said, Please take him to the clinic. Mandy, Ann and Jolly watched as the men carried Joe to the roadside to wait for transport. How could he say Im a nurse? she wondered. For the first time that week, Mandy felt mentally stressed, and that night she didnt want to sit by the campfire. Mushili and the boys came back the next morning, all very happy and full of praise, saying the doctor had said that if Joe had not vomited some of those pills he had taken, he could have died. The activated charcoal saved his life. Mandy did not save Joes life--someone else did; someone who had a purpose for him to live. Lying down, she thought just how dangerous an overdose could be. Joe was put on a drip and remained at the clinic. Mandy lay on a mat in the tent, listening to the warden narrate the whole ordeal to the others who had stayed behind. Dear God, thank you for saving that young boys life, thank you for giving me the strength. Ann came into the tent later that evening; she tried to make Mandy understand it wasnt her fault. What happened, happened. It cant be helped, she said. The important thing is he is now fine. They got up early the next morning and said goodbye to the group. Politely, they all knelt down to say goodbye to Mushili, who was warming himself by the damp, smoking fire.

He held Mandys hand and said, May God bless you all your days, and I dont know how to thank you. Please, take all those medicines to head office before you lose a life, Mandy told him. We will definitely do that today. The incident had sent a quiet message to him; there was nothing more she could say. In silence, they sat on the bus and headed for the city. They had been given a good send-off and many blessings. As the bus drove off, she said a short prayer. But each time she looked at Jolly, she found her laughing at her. So, maybe Jolly had the last laugh, after all. Her sister could not avoid making fun of her.

It was a memorable journey. Mandy and Ann did their baby shopping and, a few days later, they journeyed back to Mpika again. As the bus drove by the campsite, they could see it from afar and were both filled with astounding memories of their experiences there. Kobe arrived at the campsite with the license and was told the girls had left with the first bus that morning and everyone there had only good things to say about her daughter. As Joel and Kobe drove back to the college, Kobe could not help thinking to herself, Mandy -- a nurse?

Chapter 15

1984 Mpika

Ingrid arrived at the college just before the birth of Sasha. She had never travelled to Africa before, and the experience was challenging for her and her young children, Tally, Barn and Collins. Being a teacher herself, she had left her job in Sweden to accompany her husband on this mission to educate young men and women in agriculture. It was at one of the farm vegetable sales that she met Mandy. After buying eggs, milk and bananas, they walked back to the residential area of the college chatting. Her daughter, Tally, was crying and hitting her mother, asking her not to speak to Mandy. Completely ignoring Tallys whimpering, Ingrid rolled her bike with her on the childs seat, as she explained the difference in weather patterns in Mpika and back home. When they got to Mandys house, which was on the way to hers, they parted company, promising to meet up again. Ingrids husband, Rolf, taught agriculture and mechanical engineering. He had travelled extensively to different parts of the world, but Africa was foreign to him. Without hesitating, Ingrid inquired about smallscale projects in the area that were aimed at helping less privileged women. Kobe was happy for her to accompany her on her weekly ventures to surrounding villages and compounds. The first few weeks were challenging for her as the women giggled and laughed to see her there. This was not done in an unfriendly manner or to undermine Ingrids presence. It was a common trait displayed by nervous and curious women who found the English language a barrier and thereby felt timid. Ingrid took risks and did not dispute peoples belief systems, so the women were open to share with her and let her into their lives. She learned how to win their trust in a non-threatening way and in turn they allowed her to witness closed-door initiation ceremonies and marriages. On Sundays, she joined in the local congregation and invited the choir to sing at her home. Ingrid was interested to explore the Zambian culture now that she had the chance and, having a friend like Mandy only made it easier for her to accomplish this.

Later that year, Mandy and Ingrid started a day care for children who couldnt afford to go to school and in the process got to spend quality time talking about different issues. Ingrid gave Mandy positive and honest answers to her problems and slowly she began to heal, although something in her did not heal completely. The month Sasha was born, Gilbert had travelled back to see the baby, hoping to find a baby boy. Upon discovering it was a girl, Gilbert never returned to the college again. Kobe took good care of Sasha as promised and she hardly spent time with Mandy. Meanwhile, Ingrid and Mandy continued to expand the day care centre. It was during the Easter school holidays that Mandy had planned to visit her mothers village. She had not seen her uncle and cousins in a long time. Her hope, of course, was to get her mind off Gilbert; it was a slow healing process. When Ingrid heard of Mandys plans, she thought that would be the perfect opportunity for her to experience village life. Rolf of course was reluctant to allow his wife to travel to a village where communication was non-existent. Ingrid had recently suffered from amoeba and he had every reason to be concerned. But Ingrid was not going to take no for an answer. Travelling to that part of the country was a time consuming and difficult process. Without a fixed timetable, you just didnt know when the next bus showed up. But, determined to make that trip to the village, Mandy and Ingrid began to pack their bags the night before their journey, in readiness for an early start. Carrying with them all the needed medicines, they started a course of malaria prevention treatment in good time. Early the following morning, they caught a bus to the nearest town, Serenje, and, later, caught a bus to Tuta Road Junction. Laden with heavy bags, including a large video camera the weight of a baby, they staggered to find a place to sit down. They were carrying way too much luggage for a journey like the one they were about to undertake. With or without luggage, Mandy had no idea what lay ahead of them. Tuta Road had recently been commissioned, and traffic along the road had started to build up. Running across Luapula Plains and many swamps, the road was long and smooth. Built to avoid using the pedicle road (connecting road) through Congo to get to Mansa, it became a quicker route. In previous times, passengers reported being harassed along the pedicle road by Congolese officials, which prompted the government to

take serious measures to ensure the safety of its citizens. Mandy could still remember the last time she was on that road. Travelling to the village with her sisters, her uncle and Kobe, the bus broke down along the pedicle road. Mandys dress was too short and she was not allowed across the border. Kobe had to purchase a piece of cloth for her to wrap around herself before she was allowed through. It was a long and tiring task to go through customs. Meanwhile, passengers sat around, eating mangos and bananas waiting for the driver to appear. Just when the passengers were on board, a customs officer walked to the road and asked the guard not to open the barrier. The driver of the bus got off the bus for the fifth time to find out what the problem was. Upon his return, he asked everyone on the bus to disembark and start sweeping the road. If someone else had told that story to Mandy, she would have found it difficult to believe, but she had been there. The passengers broke branches from trees and bushes. With those, they swept all the banana, mango and masuku peels and seeds they had been throwing around while waiting for the bus at the border. Ingrid laughed when she heard the story. The road junction was swarming with passengers; there were no shelters, shops or toilets. A few stones that had been used by previous travelers were the only seats there. Along one side of the road, some women sat in the scorching heat, selling sugarcane and bananas. A distance away, some young boys had fish strung to sticks and piles of sweet potatoes for sale. It was hot, dry and dusty. Looking around, some stones placed around a small tree told you just how handy they had been for other travelers. Mandy and Ingrid found a place to put their luggage, and then settled down for a wait they were not sure how long would take. Judging by the way the other passengers appeared, it was as though they had spent a few days there. Small cooking pots and pans lay by a makeshift fireplace. Mandy looked around her in amazement. Relaxed, chatting while their babies played happily in the dirt, another small group of women sat under a tree, feeding their little ones with bananas. They whispered in vernacular, wondering what the European woman was doing there. Mandy smiled at them, giving them the courage to confront her with that baffling question. In a friendly manner, she told them that they were going to the village to visit her uncle. The women were not

satisfied with her answer because they continued to stare at Ingrid. Im telling the truth. Shes a friend and she would like to share the experience. Amazed at the information, the women giggled as though to say, Crazy woman. If you are happy and have all you need, what would be the fun in sharing a difficult experience with a friend? This was a concept that was unimaginable to an ordinary person who was trying to make ends meet. As far as the women were concerned, no one in their right mind would subject themselves to deplorable conditions just for the fun of it. Ingrid and Mandy never seemed to run out of topics for discussion; they didnt even notice how quickly time went by. Slowly, it was getting dark. Mandy was more worried than Ingrid, who seemed to be enjoying the suspense and found the whole experience exciting. Mandy was already missing her bed, a hot bath and a cup of tea. A small Tate bus stopped just a few metres from them and, surprisingly enough, it was empty. The conductor was shouting for passengers going to Mansa. Quickly, they got into line and bought two tickets. The relief of sitting on a bus and looking out of the window at all those people sleeping by the roadside, waiting for transport, was overwhelming. Mandy, Ingrid and another passenger sat cramped on a chair meant for two. Bobbing up and down, the bus took off. The stench of fish remains emanating from the buss work of transporting fish could be smelt as the bus picked up momentum. It was dusty and dirty inside the bus. It had no windowpanes and half the door was missing. The wind blew right though, making it risky to open your mouth. It was crowded with luggage and standing passengers. As much as Mandy would have liked to offer her seat to an elderly passenger as a sign of respect, sitting down felt good. The seats were hard, with a thin lining of foam inside. They had similar backrests that had large parts of the foam torn off, revealing an underlying wooden board. The slight change in comfort, from sitting on a stone to that, made her think twice about giving up her seat. She just didnt know how long the journey would take. In front of them stood two men, staring at them in a hostile and strange manner. For some Africans the mere sight of a white person could trigger resentment of all the years of white colonial rule. During this time in history, natives of Northern Rhodesia were forced to work in the mines, and it was no better in the South. To keep this resentment in the forefront of peoples minds, a

large number of locals had the name Salisbury, (this was the Prime Minister at the time and the person whom the Capital was named after). Even the sight of a white person could easily trigger unwanted verbal abuse as all white people were considered one and the same. Therefore, Mandy told Ingrid not to look back, as this could trigger their fury. By the time they reached Tuta Bridge, it was well into the night. Instantly, the bus ground to a halt. The cool night wind blew through the bus as more and more people disembarked, leaving just Mandy and Ingrid in their seats. The driver and the conductor stood by the door of the bus and shouted across to them, Youve all got to sleep outside the bus, company regulations. What are you talking about? I thought you said this bus was going to Mansa! Mandy shouted back at him. Yes, maybe tomorrow, if we have enough people going in that direction. As for now, our plan is to take people back to the junction after we have enough customers going that way. No, this can't be true, Mandy thought to herself; she turned around to look at Ingrid, only to find her laughing. That explains why they got transport so quickly. All the other passengers that remained at the road junction were going further than that fishing camp. Mandy and Ingrid had thought they were clever. With a little persuasion they were allowed to sleep on the bus, although the driver warned them it would be uncomfortable. Mandy stretched out on one seat and Ingrid on another. Swatting mosquitoes, Mandy sat up, scratching her legs. Ten minutes later, Mandy could hear Ingrid laughing yet again. Yes, Mandy said, he was right. We are better off outside the bus. The bus was swarming with mosquitoes, hundreds and thousands; they flew in and out of the buss bare windows freely. It was practically impossible to get any sleep. Scrambling out of their seats, they gathered their belongings and disembarked. They found a comfortable spot just behind the bus, taking advantage of the warmth coming from the cooling engine. As the night wore on and the air changed, they covered themselves with sleeping bags and tried to settle down for the night. Her prayer that night, was for daybreak. If she had any control of

time, that was the only time she would have turned the hand of the clock forward. Looking out to the road in front of them, they could see approaching headlights metres away before they zoomed past them, heading in the opposite direction. It was a long and tiring night, a night of headlamp watching and the swatting of mosquitoes. How could anyone enjoy travelling under such conditions? Its no wonder people did not travel for pleasure. Travelling was done only in times of need, for a funeral or family illness. Public transport in present days has improved. The roads have become bigger and better, and travelling is more comfortable and enjoyable, unlike the olden days. Late into the night, a truck stopped at the bridge to drop off some fishmongers. As the truck slowly made its way past them, the driver stopped and asked them where they were going. We are going to Mansa, Mandy answered, in a sleepy voice. At that moment, the driver turned to speak to the man who sat beside him and seemed to be his boss. Then he turned back to them and said, Hop in. The truck was huge and difficult to climb into. But with the help of other hitchhikers already on board, they were pulled onto the trailer. It was the first time Mandy had ever ridden on the back of a truck; she was terrified but tried to put on a brave face. The gush of wind was furious and without control; she buried her head inside the sleeping bag to create a barrier, but with very little success. Her throat felt dry; she was badly in need of water to drink. As the truck slowed down every now and then to negotiate bad patches on the gravel road, it gave her time to catch some air. Passengers in the trailer were bobbing up and down as the truck took another turn to the left. Mandy was beginning to taste the dust in her mouth; with her eyes closed, she wiped her mouth with the corner of her sleeping bag. All of the other passengers on the truck were well covered, their heads and faces wrapped in mutton cloth and sweaters. The truck is dropping off fertilizer to different farms; that is why we are using the gravel road instead of the Tuta Road, one of the passengers shouted to Mandy. Puzzled, she was wondering why they were going in the opposite direction.

On a hill in the horizon, the sun was rising. They had made five stops and were now on smooth, tarmac road, just as the sun came up. As the road became smoother, the passengers begun to unwrap the protective garments wrapped around them. Mandy looked like a potato that had just been dug up from a dry vegetable patch. It was then she realized why they had all been wrapped up so well. She had dust in her ear, hair and eyes. Wrapping herself in a sleeping bag and leaving her face out was not enough to keep the dust out. The other passengers didnt look any better than she, as they had been on the truck much longer. The truck stopped at a roadblock and all were asked to get down and show their identity cards. The driver came to Mandy and said, We have not finished the delivery of the fertilizer. Its best if you try to get another lift from here. No problem, thanks for the ride, she replied. That exercise could take another day, so the chances of that truck getting to Mansa were slim. Buses, trucks, and private vehicles were forced to stop at that roadblock, making it an ideal place to hitch a ride. As they were about to sit down, they saw the Tata bus. Seeing them waving frantically, the driver slammed the brakes. Some passengers with whom they had travelled the night before were surprised to see them again, including the two unfriendly men who were now complaining and castigating the driver for wasting their time. Upon realizing that they had been dropped off not very far from where the bus was parked, they wondered why the truck driver had given them a lift. The driver showed a willingness to help them get to Mansa, but he also had a task at hand. His estimation of time had been completely wrong: he was not going to finish the distribution that day and head back to Mansa because he still had half a truck full of fertilizer. Mandy didnt know what Ingrid thought about that unrewarding, dust-eating ride. The journey on the bus to Mansa was less exciting. Mandy and Ingrid sat quietly, watching large herds of impala and kudu grazing in the swampy areas along the road. The land was flat and waterlogged and stretched out for miles. Impressed with the amount of wildlife, Mandy was travelling on this road for the first time since it had been commissioned. She could remember going to Livingstone as a family after they had come back

from England. As much as most people would love to visit these game parks, it was an expense many local families would not even begin to contemplate. The plains had impala, kudu, lechewe, waterbucks and duikers. Undisturbed, the animals grazed in the green, swampy grass. Finally they arrived at Mansa station. Dusty and dirty, they walked to the nearest motel. After giving their hands and faces a good wash in the motels washroom, they sat down to have a lunch of bread and bananas. The bus terminal was completely crowded. With no way of getting anywhere near the little ticket counter, they sat by the main road, hoping to hitch a ride to their destination, Zakeyos village, north of Mansa. Proper provision was not made to accommodate the large numbers of travellers who went through this bus station. Having only one ticket counter and a lack of a proper bus schedule left frustrated travellers languishing in the heat with no proper drinking water. The infrastructure built before independence had not seen a coat of paint or an inch of a nail to maintain the shelter. The walls had large cracks and the surroundings were littered with garbage. Watching all the activity around them gave them a feeling of being somewhere, not in the middle of nowhere. Small vans stopped every now and again to ask them in which direction they were heading. The wait in Mansa was not as long as they expected because, by late afternoon, they were on their way to Kawambwa. Kawambwa was about 200 km from Mansa town, but that journey took them over seven hours. They moved only at a speed of 30km an hour downhill, and 20km or less the rest of the way. The van boy jumped on and off the van to fetch water from a stream. He jogged back and jumped onto the van without the driver having to stop. It was that slow. Crammed, with no space to stretch out, their legs felt numb and stiff. Passengers sitting on the edge of the van were able to dangle their legs over the edge, a more dangerous but more comfortable position. It was the most uncomfortable sitting position Mandy had ever experienced. After midnight, they arrived at Zakeyos village. Slowly, they stumbled through the dark to reach her aunts place. Aunt Malita had been expecting them. Quickly, she fixed them a place to sleep; both were asleep even before their heads hit the pillow.

The sun shone brightly through the bark rope hinges and the sound of bleating goats could be heard. Slowly and carefully, they unlatched the door to reveal the centre of the village that was heaving with activity. The smell of plastered clay walls and dry grass used for thatching was met with the fresh smell of boiled maize that was cooking in a large pot outside. Mud brick houses and grass roofs were built in a half circle and others behind the center ones. Around the houses were trees that had been deliberately left to provide shade. In the corner near a small cassava bush was a large chicken pen that housed a few ducks. My grandfather, Zakeyo, was an African maverick, Mandy said to Ingrid. He came to Zambia in the early 1930s from Malawi with a group of white settlers. His aim was to earn money and then return to his family in Malawi. After a few years, he finally lived up to his promise and journeyed back with his savings, and after that he never went back. What did he work as? They were making roads, I think. He had a wife with nine children back in Malawi. The family waited anxiously, hoping and praying for his safe return. After many years of speculating, his wife sent her eldest son to trace his fathers whereabouts. But how could he leave such a large family behind and not return? Ingrid asked, looking puzzled. Zakeyos son, George, named after his father, arrived at the village after weeks of travelling. His eldest son from Malawi stood face-to-face with his father, George, and another young boy, also named George. What do you mean another boy with the same name? Ingrid stood up dusting her trouser with both hands. She was curious to know what had happened to his son. Well, there was not much he could do. Its regarded taboo to discuss your fathers infidelity. I guess he had to go back. But rumor has it he did not return to Malawi. Working under the colonial governor and commissioner of Zakeyo, he earned himself a name. He was nicknamed Patagonia. His job involved travelling to different parts of that province. He spent months away from home that took him to remote areas of Luapula Province. On one such trip, he found himself in the

Lwena area, where he met Mulenga, the only daughter of Nkandu Mushinge Chita Banta. Taken by her beauty, Zakeyo vowed he would not leave that village without her. He immediately asked for her hand in marriage. Married, they journeyed back to Zakeyos village, leaving Mulengas mother heartbroken. Mulenga later bore him two children, a boy he named George, and Kobe. Ingrid was amazed at how polygamy was treated in such a casual way and how women accepted it. I think it was a way of living then, but that has since changed. You see, only men who were chiefs and wealthy men married more than one wife. My grandfather Zakeyo had five wives. Mandy and Ingrid later had their bath in a little grass shelter without a roof that was next to the house. Afterwards, they sat in the insaka shelter that was used as an outside kitchen and enjoyed a cup of tea with roast cassava and peanuts for breakfast. Mandy suggested they take a walk to the other end of the village where Kobes brother, George, lived. On their way there, they walked past Grandmother Mulengas old house, which had new occupants. The little house had a small veranda where Mandy and her great grandmother, Nkandu, used to sit, and Mulenga would serve them with their evening dinner before it got too dark to see their food. From there, they watched buses and cars drive by, leaving a mist of dust behind them. Mandy felt happy she had had the chance to meet her great-grandmother. She said, My greatgrandmother could not bear facing life without her beloved daughter, after she was whisked away by Zakeyo. It must have been difficult for her, having only one child, Ingrid said. Yes, it was, and each planting season, she told me she stood by the roadside, hoping to see her daughter again. But, it was all in vain, Mandy said. Years went by and, eventually, she went on a hunger strike. She could no longer contain herself, living without her only daughter. She told her tribespeople she would relinquish her throne in order to search for her lost daughter, Mandy said as they crossed a small ditch along the path. Ingrid seemed curious and was interested to know what happened next. Well, she was escorted by two of her subjects to Zakeyos village. But her unexpected arrival was met with mixed feelings. People were not sure who she was

and why she was there. And for those reasons, she refrained to disclose her true identity. Surrounded by all the myths, she feared being accused of entering the village without performing the needed rituals to allow a person of her status to enter that village. What they did not know then was that Nkandu was determined not to leave without her daughter. When Mulenga refused to adhere to her mothers plea, her mother was prepared to stay as long as it would take. Mandy stopped to show Ingrid the local fruit, masuku, as they walked past a big tree that had tons of fruit. The psychological effect of entering another village without performing the required ritual was something they all believed. Stressed and unhappy, she slowly began to wilt away, Mandy said. Ingrid looked at her. It was all in her mind, wasnt it? Of course it was. I think belief systems are what make us what we are, Mandy replied. Mandy could still picture her great-grandmother sitting on the small verandah, narrating her family history. She marveled at the respect given to her by her people back home in Lwena, where she came from. Lifting her blouse, she had showed Mandy her belly button protruding out, the size of an orange. How did you get it to be so big? Mandy had asked as a child. Nkandu laughed and said, Its royalty, thats what it is. And maybe that was what she believed, Mandy thought.

Kobes brother was not at home when they arrived at his house. His wife said he had temporarily moved into a hut near their finger millet fields. He did that to make sure all the harvesting was done properly. His wife promised to send word. They walked further to an opening that had old rundown houses surrounded by mango trees and granadilla bushes. Along the edge of the road were wild bananas and sugarcane bushes that had grown wild over the years. Walking further on, they reached a thick growth of bamboo trees. The bamboo cast heavy shade. Cool and serene, they walked through it. Mandy showed Ingrid what used to be her grandfather Zakeyos, house. She could still remember Zakeyo calling

her to come and get bananas. The picture of her grandfather was so clear she could still visualise him sitting on that verandah, with swollen feet and a walking stick beside him. The women continued their walk until they came to the end of the village. Originally, that had been the main village area, built near a tsetse fly control barrier that had since been removed. It brought back floods of childhood memories of when Joel drove to the village in their new Peugeot, just after they had come back from England. Mandy appreciated her culture and was always proud of whatever little knowledge she had learned of it. When she visited, her grandmother was normally very reluctant to take her into the forest to look for firewood, in fear of her getting bitten by snakes. But Mandy always got her way and tagged along with the group, even though she was unable to carry firewood. That experience gave her an insight into the lives of her ancestors. As they walked back Ingrid asked her, How often did you come to the village? Many times. We came here when dad was on leave, and during school holidays. They crossed a path that led into the village forest where the village folk got their firewood. I remember going along this path with my grandmother. Once we met a strange-looking man, Mandy said to Ingrid. I was quite young at the time. I must have been five, a year or so before we went to England. I couldnt make out what kind of a man he was, so I called out to my granny, pointing at the man. Mama what is that? My granny did not respond; she walked up to me, grabbed my hand and pulled me along. That evening I was reprimanded for pointing at a wizard. Mandy continued with her story. You should never point at him again; that man could harm our family, Gran Mulenga had yelled at her. The man they had seen that day had been driven out of the village because everyone believed he was a wizard; he was only seen occasionally, walking the woods. He was so crippled it was difficult to make out where his legs were, as he dragged himself through the forest. Do you think people still think crippled people practice witchcraft? Ingrid asked.

I dont think so; nowadays, you see many people with different conditions, Mandy replied, as she and Ingrid walked back to Aunt Malitas house, where they were served a plate of mangoes. Dont eat too many! Mandy told Ingrid. You might end up with a running stomach. It was group harvesting the next day. Malita told Mandy and Ingrid that they were more than welcome to come along. Malitas daughter would be at home to keep them company should they decide to stay back. It would be a nice experience for me, Ingrid said. The next morning they were up early and went out with the group. The women walked in a single file, carrying baskets and sacks containing little harvesting knives. Out of every five women, three of them were carrying babies on their backs. Walking as if they were not carrying anything, they talked and laughed amongst themselves. The millet fields were on burnt patches of land. Every summer, they cut down trees and systematically laid down the branches and leaves. Before the rains started, they would torch the pile. This system was called chitemene. It created a surplus of ash in these patches of land after the burning was done, thereby raising the soils pH, to enable the cultivation of millet, sorghum and maize that would not otherwise grow in that region. The heat generated by the burning of the biomass fumigated the soil, killing any existing weed seeds and reducing labour requirements. It turned out to be a long day, as the clans aim was to fill all ten fifty-kilogram bags they had carried with them. Out in the scorching sun, thirsty and hungry, they worked to accomplish their goal for the day. Mandy and Ingrid sat down a few times as the rest of the group just kept going. The sun was going down when they started to pack up for the day. Walking back to the village carrying bags of finger millet and babies on their backs was something only these women could do. By the time they got back to the village, it was dark. Amazed at how hard these women worked, Ingrid and Mandy peeled some potatoes and cabbage for their dinner. Then they opened a large bottle of Simba lager that they shared for their dinner. They could hardly keep their

eyes open. Across from where they sat, some women were just returning from gathering firewood. Their young children sat around the fire, patiently awaiting a meal of porridge and vegetables. How do they manage this? Mandy thought as she closed her eyes that night. That evening they both went to bed without a word, exhausted from the days work and heat. In the middle of the night Ingrid got up, shaking her nightdress. Ants are crawling all over me, she told Mandy. Mandy lit the candle and raised it up for a better view. The room was swarming with red ants. Malita didnt seem worried at all; she walked in calmly and put maize meal all around their sleeping area and convinced them that red ants do not cross white powder. Ingrid and Mandy could believe anything, for all they wanted was to get some sleep. The pots and pans surrounding them were an attraction for the ants, especially as it was the rainy season. The night was undisturbed after that not a single ant came anywhere near them. The following day they woke up late but excited about the surprise Malita had in store for them. She had arranged for a local band to come and play local music for them. Mandy and Ingrid sat outside and watched as the others swept and cleaned the surroundings. It was a daily routine that was done by all households. They poured water inside the small pit latrines in their back yards and cleaned around the well. By noon, a small band of five young boys arrived at the village, carrying on their heads locally made instruments. Larger than the boy carrying it was a locally made Barberton. It was made from a large used oil drum, with strings of wire tied to a plank. It made a remarkable sound when the strings were pulled. They had olivine oil tin guitars, wooden drums and different sizes of sticks that they used to make different sounds. In their hands were rattles made from plastic bottles. All these boys had never seen the inside of a classroom, but the music they played was as though it had been taught to them. They took turns singing as they played their instruments with skill. Mandy could not believe how they could produce all the different melodies and tunes. One of the many remarkable things about Africa is the music and dance. It always seems so inborn more than

anything else. They played their instruments with enjoyment, oblivious of their poor livelihood. The life they led in that village was the only life they knew. Maybe standards are set due to exposure, because youve got to know what you are missing in life before you can even begin to compare what you have. They are content with what they have, Mandy thought as she watched their beaming faces. When the band left, the youngsters in the village tried to imitate the singing, using empty containers as instruments. These boys would probably take over the village band in the years to come.

It had been an interesting week in the village and, towards the end of that week, both Mandy and Ingrid were ready to go home. The chance of being able to experience that kind of life came once in a lifetime for Ingrid. Meeting Mandys relatives and joining in various village activities was overwhelming for her. That evening they prepared for their journey back to the college, having experienced another side of life in the remote area of Luapula Province. Uncle George came to see them off, happy to learn George still had just one wife, unlike his father, Mandy joked with him lightly on that subject. They were by the roadside early the next morning after enjoying a breakfast of cassava and peanuts. By midday, they were still sitting there, with not a single car or bus in sight. As they waited, all the excitement started to evaporate and soon it was dark and the chance of them catching a ride to Mansa was no longer possible. That night, Ingrid was rather quiet, and Mandy could see she was missing her children, so she spoke very little. Back by the roadside nice and early the next day, they were filled with fresh hope. But the morning turned to afternoon. Mandy could feel her stomach rumbling and experienced a terrible feeling of nausea. It was not long before she started to dash back and forth to the little grass thatched toilet, throwing up a few times. After a few trips there it left her dehydrated and weak. Relieved it was not Ingrid, she drank boiled water that Mailta brought to her by the roadside mixed with activated charcoal Ingrid brought with her. If Mandy no telephones communication boma to reach got worse, what would they do? There were in the village. The only form of would be to travel ten miles to the main a phone line. Weve got to get out of

here, Mandy thought. Good lord, we came to enjoy the culture we so craved, and now we sit here with no means to get home. There has to be a way out of here; we are not going to spend another night in this village. Mandy prayed silently. Zakeyos village was situated on an old road that buses and other forms of transport had now stopped using. A new road had been built that took travelers directly to Kawambwa Boma. And from there, most passengers going to Zakeyo and other nearby villages would walk the remaining ten miles to reach their destination. When Mandy had last come to the village with her mum, that road had had much more activity on it than they were experiencing now. The only other option was to walk to the main boma and board a bus from there. That journey on foot to the boma should be undertaken with less luggage than they were carrying, and definitely before the sun came up. Mandy could not see herself walking ten miles in her sick state. Suddenly, in the distance they heard a sound. As it came closer, they realised it was a bus. A bus, on that road! They jumped up and frantically waved for the vehicle to stop. In seconds, it zoomed past them leaving, behind a cloud of dust. Mandy didnt even want to turn to look at Ingrid. She was tired of waiting by the roadside and wanted to go home. Minutes after the roaring sound of the engine, dust and confusion was what was left. Mandy looked up at the dusty mist left by the bus and all she could see were the red taillights. When the dust began to settle, the buss taillights were still visible in the distance. Ingrid! Mandy shouted, the bus has stopped for us. They started to run towards the bus, only to be met by the bus conductor, also running towards them to help them with their luggage. They sat on the bus, not bothering about what people thought or said. They were so thankful to the driver, who cleared a seat behind him meant for his co-driver. Thank you very much for stopping for us; we have been waiting for transport for the past two days, Mandy said to him. Well, I drove past you yesterday, heading to Kawambwa with a small pick-up van. I was asked to drive this bus back to Mansa, because it has a problem. Ingrid

then remembered the little van going past during the time Mandy had been running up and down to the toilet.

The journey back seemed quicker on the bus. By a small flooded area, the bus stopped to let people out so that it could drive slowly through, avoiding getting stuck in the mud. Everyone filed out and ran in different directions, responding to the call of nature. Ingrid and Mandy went to a nearby bush. Feeling much better now, after drinking plenty of water, Mandy walked back to the bus, which had now crossed the waterlogged area, and sat down. After a while, she began to wonder why Ingrid was taking so long. Just as she was about to disembark, she saw her coming. Are you okay? she asked. No, I think something got into my trousers. Before Mandy could ask her what had gotten into her trousers, Ingrid started to undress, much to the amusement of the passengers. Ingrid had stepped on a colony of red ants. Everyone on the bus had a good laugh not often do you see a show like that. With that incident, the people became much friendlier than before, and assured her it happened all the time during the rains. Africans normally show sympathy if a person is injured or experiences a much more serious incident. Red ants getting into your pants would be something they would laugh about. Falling into a paddle of rainwater, for instance, would not call for sympathy. They reached Mansa just as it was getting dark; slowly they walked to the very same spot they had sat at on their way to Kawambwa. This time it did not take long before a truck came along and gave them a lift to Serenje. They drove past the road junction, looking at travellers warming themselves around small fires. They wondered if some of the travellers from the week before were still there. The truck stopped at a filling station a mile or two from the Serenje Boma, and there they got off. Spending the night outside on a shop verandah in the cold is unimaginable, but not impossible. That was the peak of their journey; they looked at each other and knew it was time to call for help. They were dirty and tired. Their skin was tanned due to long hours spent in the sun. With mosquitoes and insect bites on their legs and arms, it was a journey they would remember for a long time. Three hours later, Rolf arrived in his blue Volvo car. They

sat in silence the whole way. The smell of fish on their clothes from the truck ride and greasy spots from oil spills was a sad sight. As much as they had wanted to accomplish that journey on their own, it had been a relief to hear Rolfs voice on the telephone. The next morning, all bathed and looking fresh, they were able to laugh about the red ants. Ingrid had experienced a profound and interesting part of the African way of life, something she would never forget. Ingrids relationship with Mandys mother, Kobe, was that of a mother and daughter. They conferred for hours over different belief systems and how they affected a person. The question they did not tackle at the time was How do belief systems affect a relationship? When Ingrid and Rolfs contract came to an end, they decided to take Mandy, her brother and her daughter, back to Sweden. Mandy had been given a second chance to pursue her studies. Aboard a British airliner, her fear of jeopardising the life ahead of her was worrying. With only the vivid memories of her childhood in England, she visualised Trafalgar Square and Piccadilly Market. Was her life in Sweden going to be the same as those early years she had spent in England?

Chapter 16

Sweden 1989

Sweden was clean and organised. As Rolf, Ingrid, Mandy, Tom, Mark, Brian, Sasha and Tally drove from the airport, large warehouses and factories could be seen from the roadside. It was warm and sunny, a perfect time of the year to arrive, with fruit trees blossoming all around. They drove past farms with wheat fields and rows and rows of pine trees. Unlike the arid land in Africa, it was fresh and green. As the family approached Tystberga, the wet tarmac told you it had just stopped raining. Tystberga is a small town in Nykoping a few miles north of Stockholm and sparsely populated, mainly occupied by commercial farmers and a few subsistence farmers. They drove up a hill where three houses appeared in a distance. The buildings around the houses seemed like barns and storage houses and were all painted a bright red colour. The house was large and spacious and could accommodate a family of eight comfortably. Mandy and her daughter shared a bedroom that overlooked the green farm fields in the summer and snow white covered fields during the winter. Each morning she sat there to enjoy the view before she settled down to study. She watched as the various farmers went about their daily business with skill, with large tractors and combine harvesters. About mid-morning each day the postman came round with mail and Mandy was always anxiously waiting to hear from home, but no one seemed to find time to write to her. Late afternoon when Ingrid came home from work they would take a walk by the woods among flowers, wild mushrooms and small deer. At weekends they all went out to the hills to pick blueberries and occasionally stop over at a strawberry field of pick your own and pay by the kilo.

What she did not seem to see were other Africans. People stared at her and old folk were fascinated to see her ride a bicycle. Mandy and her brother and daughter were the only Africans at the time living in the small town of Tystsberga. Their day-to-day life was organised and very different from Africa. People were friendly but kept to themselves. Wintertime was not easy to cope with coming from a warm climate. There was snow all around and the days were dark and miserable. The field overlooking her bedroom was covered completely in snow with bare trees, and all the farming activity had come to a halt. On sunny winter days the children would go out and try to ski in the front yard while Mandy watched from the front door. What surprised her was those seemed to be the coldest days and sun meant nothing. The year Mandy arrived in Sweden it snowed heavily. The snow was just under the houses windowsill. Mandy had never seen so much snow in her life, not even during their stay in England. The streets were lined with snow trucks and each morning salt had to be put on the driveway to avoid accidents. Mandy looked forward to a change in season, so she could walk out into the garden to pick red berries and apples that filled most backyards in Sweden. At times it was a relief for her to think they did not have snow back in Africa. It would be difficult for some poor people to keep warm right through the night with extreme drops in temperature.

Mandys daughter was able to speak the language in no time at all. Sasha was a very talkative girl and could not keep quiet for a second. On the bus she chatted to the driver and explained that if there was anything they wanted to tell Mandy, he should tell her because Mandy did not understand Swedish. It was actually a relief for Mandy to be able to communicate through her young daughter. Ingrids youngest daughter Tally was now also more independent and took time away from her mother to play with Sasha. Saturdays they would drive to the main centre, Nykping, where all the big shops and restaurants were found. The shops were large and well stocked. The supermarkets had fresh fruit and vegetables laid out neatly, a sight she appreciated so much.

Rolf had become a different person upon returning. He was either very happy or just not happy at all. It was clear he was having problems of his own and most times kept to himself. Something happened to him since his return from Africa. In Africa they had lived in different homes but living under the same roof revealed a different side of both of them and it was evident they were having problems. At night Mandy could hear them arguing and the next morning they would not be speaking to each other. Ingrid worked hard. She washed, cleaned and cooked and by the time it was bedtime she was exhausted. Having spent a few years in Africa, she was spoilt by the domestic help available. It was not an easy concept to get used to; employing a maid and a housekeeper as a way of helping their families. The money they earned was spent on their childrens education.

Later that year, Mandy enrolled into Swedish language classes and it was only then she was able to understand what was happening around her. Rolf was trying hard to keep himself busy. Being a practical person, he was good with his hands. He made ornaments and wall hangings from birch and spent hours in the cellar cutting things out. He also renovated the parts of the house like the bathroom and the indoor sauna.

During the summer the family travelled with their caravan up north. It was a fascinating experience for Mandy, because the further they travelled the more interesting it got for her. When they visited Ingrid and Rolfs parents, it availed her the chance to see many parts of that amazing country with its undisturbed natural environment. In the north they went to Kalix, Lulea, and Umea. She travelled to the south to see another Swedish friend that lived at the college in Mpika and had now returned. Ingrid had brothers and sisters spread out across Sweden, which gave Mandy still more chances to travel.

Settled, Mandy started to work at a Montessori school in Nykoping while she pursued her studies. The school was different from the day care that Ingrid and she had run for the underprivileged children. An old large threestory house with a huge garden had been turned into an infant school. It had wooden outdoor play equipment and wooden borders for the boxed sandpits.

Mandy worked on the third floor of the school with a boy called Magnus. He lived with his grandparents and always sat in a corner all by himself. A good part of his school day was spent in that same area of learning. Over and over, Magnus assembled and dismantled the colour construction set. Sometimes he would show Mandy a book with pictures of animals and tell her what they were called. Magnus spoke to Mandy as though she could understand Swedish. He sat by the table looking towards the door, and his face lit up as soon as he saw Mandy walk through the door. Having taken a few lessons in Swedish, she could now understand and communicate a little. Each morning Magnus would say in Swedish, Do you know what? He would then go on telling her what had happened at home since the last time he had seen her. Mandy and Magnus built a relationship that was difficult to explain. He touched her face and said. You are black and Im white, staring at Mandy closely. Satisfied, he would go back to whatever he was doing before. That afternoon, as she walked home with her daughter from the playgroup, she thought about Magnus and how difficult it had been for the other teachers to break through to him but yet he was so transparent and natural.

Those years Mandy spent learning at the school, she saw Magnus grow up into an independent young boy and finally he moved to the bottom floor where he started first grade. The relationship continued; Mandy went to the second floor each morning to say hello to Magnus before going to the third floor.

When Mandy successfully completed her course, she was excited about the prospect of going to England to write her final exams. Going back to England brought back memories of her childhood and her best friend Nicola. Two weeks in London would give her the chance to go sightseeing and shopping. When she arrived everything seemed real but different. She could still see the same shop names that her mother used to go to. On Balderton Street was a small educational bookshop that she visited on her way home from college. Taking the train to Victoria station she walked back to the flat she was staying at. Finding her way around London was

challenging, as she went everywhere with her parents when they lived there as children. Mandy had never imagined she would ever have the opportunity to visit England again. But here she was, right in the middle of Trafalgar Square where her father used to bring them when they were sightseeing. Being there was like listening to a piece of music that takes you to another time in your life, back to places like Richmond Park and Brighton.

Her stay in Sweden and her visit to England seemed to have transformed her. She managed to do things she thought she would not do alone. With that came an improved confidence. Mandy was ready to go back to Africa. She was going to confront her new life with a different mindset.

Chapter 17

1990

Joel retires

When Mandy left the college, Kobe and Joel retired the following year. They moved back to the city into a house they had built while working in Mpika. Kobe could still recall how difficult it had been for her to accept moving to that rural town and now she was finding it even more difficult to move back to the city. When Mandy left for Sweden, Kobe and Joel were ready to retire. Seeing their only son, Brian, and Mandy board a plane to Sweden was challenging, leaving them with no reason to stay in Mpika. All through their stay in that small town, nothing had changed, instead things only got worse for the family. Joel worked, went to the pub and back home in the evening, a routine that he could do with his eyes closed. Meanwhile, Kobe continued to help the village women acquire new domestic skills while still remaining dedicated to her political party, the United Independence Party. If they ever returned to the city that would be the one thing she would look forward to. Kobe kept in touch with Mandy and Brian. She talked to them once in a while and was happy to know Brian was happy and enjoyed going to school. Although she couldnt help wondering whether Brian understood why he had gone to Sweden in the first place; her wish being to avail him the opportunity to get a good education. As much as Joel had regrets about decisions he had made in the past, education was a priority for him, it hurt him to think that was one thing he was unable to provide for his only son now that his bank savings were nonexistent.

Upon Mandys return from England the family prepared for her travel back to Africa. She went shopping and bought gifts for her sister. Before her departure she and Ingrid sat at the kitchen table to discuss her plans when she

got back. Mandy would need to get a job and then find somewhere to stay. Make sure you open a bank account. Deposit this cheque in the account as soon as you do that. This money is for food and rent before you get a job, Ingrid said to her, writing it all down. Mandy was turning twenty-seven that year, and even though she was a responsible young woman, Ingrid was worried about how she would cope with Sasha. Ingrid and Rolf thought it would be a good idea if Sasha stayed in Sweden with them until she settled. Sasha was happy at her new school and was doing very well. If she travelled back to Africa she would not be enrolled in a good school until Mandy found a job. Mandy was worried about leaving Sasha behind. Would she cope without her? As much as she knew she was in good hands, she would miss her very much. Sasha jumped around the room singing with Tally, oblivious of what was going on. Even when Mandy told her she would stay back with Ingrid, Sasha was happy and just nodded her head and ran off and continued messing around with Tally. Mandy wondered if she fully understood her mother was leaving her with Ingrid. Sasha had adjusted well to the Swedish lifestyle and was now speaking the language fluently. She had started to go to kindergarten and seemed very happy with her new friends. Therefore Mandy made the difficult decision that Sasha would remain in Sweden until she found a job. Mandys stay abroad had been enjoyable. Not only had she managed to complete her course, she also learned many things about the rich Swedish culture and saw many parts of that country. The respect for nature that the Swedish people had was worth emulating. Historical castles, museums and large libraries were found in many parts of the country. Traditional myths and maypoles signified a tradition that was hundreds of years old and very respected. There was silence in the car as Rolf drove to the airport to see Mandy off. Staring through the car window at all the lovely gardens, she tried to think ahead. Kobe and her sister would be at the airport to meet her. Tally moved places and came and sat on her lap and soon the two children were fighting about who should sit on Mandys lap. She had got used to both Sasha and Tally behaving this way it was like sibling rivalry. She played, talked and cooked for them. When she was cleaning the house, the girls would also be cleaning and fighting

for the broom and dustpan. Mandy gave them their evening bath, at bedtime they both jumped out of bed each time they were tucked in. She would surely miss them.

Rolf stopped the car just outside the terminal and put Mandys suitcases on a trolley. After saying goodbye to everyone, she pushed the trolley towards the departure lounge with tears in her eyes. Behind her she could hear Tally and Sasha crying. She looked back and saw Ingrid was carrying Tally and Rolf held on to Sasha. The lady at the check in counter asked her to proceed to the gate after she had checked in. By the gate she sat in a corner alone waiting to board with tears still running down her cheeks. Mandy had become a part of that family and leaving was the hardest thing for her to do, but it was inevitable at that point. She sat there thinking about Ingrid.

Ingrid came from a family of four and was the only girl in the family. She was now happy to have a sister like Mandy. Ingrid had been sincere in asking Kobe for permission to adopt Mandy as a sister. Kobe was quick to mention that Mandy was a complex person and difficult to understand. Having gone through so much, Mandy was looking for someone she could trust and believe in. Living in that kind of society was difficult enough to be different, but to be a single mother in those days was not widely accepted. Kobe was concerned about her taking on such a responsibility, but knowing well how much Mandy suffered, Kobe granted Ingrids wish. She said, I bless you whole heartedly and from this day onward Mandy is your sister, and put incense powder on both their faces. Kobe turned around to face Mandy and said, Im not disowning you as a daughter Im merely adding another daughter to my family.

On the plane, Mandy did not feel like eating. All she wanted was to sit back and think about the life ahead of her. As Mandy got off the plane she could feel the excitement start to build up. Her sisters waved frantically from the airport balcony. The whole family was there to meet her. The family drove back from the airport and in no time Mandy began to see all the familiar places and landmarks.

Mushrooms! Mandy said. A man was carrying two huge umbrella mushrooms. Kobe asked the driver to stop. She got out of the car and returned with the two large mushrooms. Happy, the family headed back into the city. God had surely answered her prayers, and Kobe sighed in relief.

When her parents retired they had gone back to the city after living in the rural town for almost six years. Joels expectations of how a ministry should be run was met with scorn. After spending a couple of years aloft he finally came to his senses and began to impose accountability. Unsuccessful in that he organised a petition that saw the removal of the existing college principal bringing a fresh change to the college management. As much as people were against this they eventually in turn seemed to realise it was well intended. The smooth running of the college and the efficient utilisation of resources created better wages for low-income college workers. Income generated from farm produce was put into a revolving fund and profits were used to invest in bigger projects thereby creating more profit making ventures. Joel continued to experience chest problems before and after he retired and was soon bedridden. Although he was very ill he spoke with a good clear voice. Kobe told Mandy that he hadnt been very well of late, so from the airport they drove to Kobes new house to see Joel. Home is always home. Kobes cooking was one of the reasons Mandy was happy to be back home. The sweet aroma of her cooking filled the house as the family filed in. After a meal of vegetables in groundnut sauce, they all sat in the living room drinking tea. The atmosphere was neither demanding nor oppressing. That evening they sung old school songs and laughed about the differences in hymns then and now. It was a pity Joel was not well enough to join them. Later, Mandy and her mother sat by his bedside chatting as he chipped in every now and again. It turned out to be a late night, and by the time Mandy and Gloria left Kobes house it was well into the early hours. Mandy was going to stay with her sister Gloria until she found her own place. When Mandy arrived the next morning, Joel complained of how much pain he had endured the night before. Mandy offered him a glass of milk, but he wanted a cup of hot chocolate instead. Mandy and Kobe watched Joel take a few sips. Then he put his head back and closed his eyes, a

sign he was enjoying his drink. Hopefully he would now get some sleep, they thought. Unfortunately, they were both wrong, because he opened his eyes and looked at them with a smile, as if noticing them for the first time. Kobe looked at Mandy then turned to Joel. How are you feeling? she asked. Joel said, Fine, very fine and laughed. I am having a very strange experience right now, he said. What are you talking about? Kobe said, putting her hand on his. Joel continued to laugh then he said, I can see my body on the bed but I am up here, look. Mandy felt uncomfortable and for a minute she thought maybe that was the end. Its very cold up here but the pain is gone completely, I cant feel anything. Joel was the kind of person who would not joke about a thing like that. Maybe it was the painkiller from the night before. Look Im up here, can you see me? His eyes were closed and his body very relaxed but his voice was as alert as always. In all his years, he never believed in superstition or magic. If anyone could prove something scientifically, only then would he believe them. Often he sneered at his brother and rolled his eyes when he spoke about witchcraft as he said, illiterate blinking fool under his breath. What was happening to him now? The experience left Mandy baffled. She had read about out-of-body experiences. For her, that experience was just too near to her heart to even think it was possible. Joel had been a good father and had been sick for a few years now, but was this the end? Slowly, Joel opened his eyes. He turned to Kobe and Mandy and said he could see his whole life being played back. There was excitement and awe as he spoke. I can see myself as a little boy being carried around by my mother. Look thats our family home and the shop across the road that was owned by that white lady Margaret with the big nose, Joel laughed. Kobe thought sleep might do him some good she tapped him on his shoulder. Why dont you try to rest and we can chat when you wake up. Just as Mandy was leaving

his room, a group of women from the church came in to see him. Kobe told them it would be best if they came back later as he was very tired. Mandy didnt know what to think of that experience. That night she decided to keep Kobe company and help her in case Joel needed anything. Joel continued to share what he was experiencing, detailed scenes of his past life. Stage by stage, he talked about his childhood, school life, college life and his life before he had met Mandys mother. For Kobe, the whole episode seemed like he was watching a slide show of his entire life. It was in the early hours of the day when he finally came to the end. With a scene describing his burial, which was difficult to sit through, Mandy held her mothers hand, and she could feel her hands shaking.

It was not long after this that Joel passed away. The day of the burial was cold, and there were several burials going on at the same time. It was total confusion. One group was saying prayers loudly, while the next group was trying to sing a hymn. Behind Joels burial site was a military funeral with gun salutes and trumpets. The family could not hear a thing of what the reverend was trying to say. Mandy was not listening to the commotion around her; she was thinking of her father. He had foretold his own funeral, crowds of people, some dressed in uniforms playing loud trumpets and the loud sounds of gunfire. Joel had actually seen that day before it even happened. It was as if he had been granted a sneak preview of the end of his life and the gala premiere was terrifying. She stood there shaking as the entire event continued to unfold just as Joel had narrated it to them. That evening she said a prayer to thank God for a great father.

Chapter 18

Summer 1995

The butchery Mandy got up early to go the council office. On the way, she passed through her sisters work place, but her workmates said she had gone to the clinic. Mandys sister Mumba had moved in with her to help with the baby. Apart from having someone to talk to, she felt comfortable leaving the baby with Mumba. Her sister was full of life and fun to be with. She was vibrant, young and wore a smile at all times. Her sense of humour brought back life into Mandys lifeless marriage, as she had the ability to find humour even in bad situations. In recent years Mandys sense of humour had diminished, and she took care when to joke and what to joke about. It was a breath of fresh air having her sister around. Mumba had finished school and got a job in another town where she learned the importance of sharing and the joy of making strangers her friends. At a young age, she became popular in that small eastern community. Working there for a few years, she was transferred back to the capital city where accommodation was a nightmare. Mandy did not want any of her sisters to know what was going on in her marriage and was reluctant from the beginning to let Mumba stay with her, her fear being they would ask her that very question she dreaded most: What are you still doing in such a marriage? But her fears were unfounded. As much as she thought they didnt know, everyone knew, and had known for some time, including Winstons relatives. Mandy arrived at the council hall with her application receipt in her hand. She joined the long queue for retail and liqueur licenses. When she reached the counter, she handed the lady her receipt. The woman went through a pile of papers and pulled out one which was attached to a license. Delighted to learn that the council had approved her license, Mandy stopped by Kobes place for a cup of tea. Its one of those things that shouldnt take long to procure if all the documents were

in order, but everything takes time and patience in third world countries. When Mandy arrived at her mothers house, Kobe noticed how edgy she was. She knew her too well not to be able to notice that. Putting her cup down, Kobe looked at Mandy and said, I know what you are going through. Mandy could see that her mother was trying very hard to conceal her negative thoughts about her marriage. Would you like me to have a word with Winston? she asked. Oh no, you cant do that, Mum it will only make things worse. Mandy, he is like a son to me. If you two are having problems, who would be a better person to help you than I? Kobe could see how uneasy Mandy was, so she quickly changed the topic. Anyway, Kobe said, Tell me about the butchery. Just how did you raise the money to start? Mandy actually managed a smile. I used my maternity leave pay. Maybe it sounds like a silly thing to do, but I think its worth a try. Of course it is, Kobe smiled. How Kobe wished she could tell her daughter to her face: You silly girl, why didnt you save that money and use it for the baby? Kobe watched as her daughter glanced at her watch. Let me walk you to the road. I know youve got to get back to see the baby. Although Mandy had a good maid, she was worried because she knew how difficult it was to pacify Cristobel. As her mother walked her down the road to catch a taxi, Mandy longed to be back home with her parents. She gave her mum a hug as she got into a taxi, not knowing when her next visit would be. She dare not tell Winston she had been to see her mother without his permission. Mumba was in her room sleeping when Mandy got home. Hi there! I came by your office today and they said you had gone to the clinic. Is everything all right? Im not feeling too well, but Ill be fine, Mandy replied. Tell me about your day. Did you get the license?

Yes I did, Mandy replied, waving it in the air. Mumba could see that her sister was very happy and so was she. Mandy said, By the way, mum sends her greetings. Shhh Winston doesnt know I stopped by. Although her sister had her doubts about venturing into a business like the one Mandy had decided to undertake, Mandy was not telling her everything. Why is she being so secretive about it? Mumba thought. Excited, Mandy couldnt wait to tell Winston. But when she did, he didnt seem at all interested. It is an intimidating process and not everyone who applied got his or her license. As for Mandy, it was an accomplishment, regardless of what her husband thought. Winstons hope had been that she would not succeed. Mandy began to plan where she would make her first purchase of good beef and sausages. Everything else had been transported to the little shop after the painting was done; what remained was to find a saleslady. I would rather a lady at the money counter. I seem to think women are more open to this kind of job than men are, she commented to Winston. Winston was by the bedroom fridge, pouring himself a drink. I think thats not your decision to make, Mandy, he replied, sipping a soda. What do you mean? I choose who works for me. No, I choose who works for me. Mandy made a face, thinking: What is he talking about? We must be talking about two totally different things. She put her toothbrush back into the cup, wiped her mouth on a towel hanging behind the door, and turned the light off in the bathroom. I was talking about the butchery, I dont seem to understand what you are on about, she said, as she kicked her slippers off. Yes, I know that, and I said I will choose who works in the butchery, Winston replied. He had decided to run the butchery without even consulting her? She had worked hard because she wanted this so badly, braving the rain with the baby on her back, and spending hours at the council. Many things went through Mandys mind all the swear words she

wanted to use, but at the same time, trying to think twice before she opened her mouth. Calmly she asked, What did you do to help? Winston opened a bottle of soda and poured himself another drink. Closing the fridge, he turned to look at Mandy, now sitting on the bed, utter disbelief on her face. I want you to listen to me and listen very carefully, he said, You are not going to run that butchery as long as you live in this house. However, he continued, You now have a choice between our marriage and the butchery. Mandy knew him too well to know that wasnt a joke. You selfish man, you sit around watching television the whole day, and now you claim its your butchery? She said, under her breath yet again.

Winston took over the running of the butchery and Mandy was asked not to come anywhere near the premises. Disappointed and angry at the drastic turn of events, Mandy went to Kobe to complain bitterly, in the hope that her mother would bring it to the attention of their traditional marriage counselor. But Kobe listened without interrupting her, and then she said, Let it go, Mandy. Kobe knew that her daughter had made a choice and that was to remain in that marriage. If Mandy had known that would happen, she would not have invested her maternity pay in that venture. What did you expect? that inner voice asked her. Sometimes she needed to listen to that inner voice. Winston was still that small, terrified little boy, sitting by the door, living in the shadow of his uncle. He wanted to be accepted and admired for things he did not accomplish. This could be one of them. Handa and her friend Mrs. Jere and the dancing women graced the official opening of the butchery. Mandy had created a new meeting place for the shebeen queens and upgraded them from roasting chicken gizzards to roasting juicy slices of T-bone steak. Not being invited to the official opening of the butchery did not bother Mandy in the least; what did get to her however, was the principle behind it. The weeks that followed the opening of the butchery left her with no transport. Winston used the car to

purchase supplies for the butchery and left her to fend for herself. He had been spending long hours at the butchery and did not want to get away to drive her to work. Fed up, she started to save up for a small car. Meanwhile, she hitched rides from her friends at school and at times took a taxi home. Initially, when Winston suggested that Mandy learn to drive, she didnt see the need for it. But he insisted and took her for driving lessons on Sundays. It started off very well until she made her first mistake, and that was the end of her lessons. Not only did he stop talking to her, he told her to get out of the car and he drove off without her, leaving her in the middle of the road without her shoes. An elderly man who gave her lift home that day told her, A husband is the wrong person to teach you how to drive young lady; find an instructor. He drove her into the yard and introduced himself to Winston as Sakala. There was something about him which left her thinking. He refused to let her off outside the gate because he felt it was a dishonest way of giving a lift to someones wife. He had wanted Winston to see who brought his wife home. Not many men she knew would do that. Religion was another stumbling block in their marriage. They had heated debates and arguments that left them no option but not to discuss religion altogether. No matter how much Winston thought hell existed, for Mandy that did not fit into her concept and understanding of God. Hell just did not exist for Mandy, except, of course, when you make a hell for yourself. She understood how important it was for him to maintain his control over her, because to open up would be a weakness on his part. Meanwhile, he longed for his own recognition and an identity because he felt he was living in his uncles shadow, even though he had not had the chance to get to know him well. Winston had his own preconceived vision of what kind of marriage he wanted. Mandy had her own fantasy of a marriage, but they never sat down to discuss their expectations. She finally switched off her fantasy and allowed him to take control of everything, from the menu to going to the bank. Her life was on autopilot; she was physically in that marriage, but emotionally out. She struggled to find a measuring stick for her own happiness and, day after day, she convinced herself she was happy. Happiness cannot be measured by what you have, but by what you dont have. Why did she keep repeating these

words that didnt make sense to her and what did she know about happiness, anyway? Mandy went to work, cooked, looked after the children, went shopping, ate, and slept. Meanwhile, Winston beamed at the new Mandy, thinking finally she had succumbed to becoming a good wife. Mumbas health had deteriorated and she was soon admitted to a Trust hospital. Hoping that life at home would not get worse than it was already, Mandy continued with her new role, wearing a brave face each morning. She spent most afternoons at school preparing for the next day. When she got home, she knelt down to him and asked what he wanted to eat. To forget everything that happened in the past was not an easy thing to do, especially as Winston thought he did nothing wrong.

Mandy went to visit Mumba at the hospital daily until she was discharged. Only this time she moved in with their sister Jolly, who lived very close to the main hospital. It was better if Mumba was with her, as Jolly was motherly to all her sisters. Mumbas illness had slowly but surely taken over her life, leaving her too weak to eat or walk. Mandy looked at her weak sister and prayed for her to get better. Touching her cheek lightly, she told her she would be back to see her the next day. Dull anguish had taken over the sparkle in Mumbas eyes; Mandy couldnt wait for it to disappear. Mandy had to go home before her maid left. I will see you tomorrow, Mumba, she said, rubbing her arm gently. Dont worry, Ill make sure shes asleep before I leave, Jolly said. Mandy had now gotten into the early herself, because she knew it hours before baby Cristobel was up After giving the baby a good bath, both went to bed. habit of sleeping was only for a few crying her lungs out. she fed her and they

The phone rang just a few hours into her sleep. Mandy had a strange feeling as she picked up the receiver. In a sleepy voice, she said, Hello. It was Jolly, crying at the other end of the line. Mumba had died a few minutes ago. Gripping the receiver tightly, Mandy could feel her hand shaking. Winston took the receiver from her and continued the conversation with Jolly, then hung up.

Mandy was confused; she didnt know whether to go there then or to wait till the next morning. Pacing up and down, she looked at the time: it was 02:00 in the morning. In and out of the bathroom, round the babys cot, Mandy was devastated with the news of her sisters passing. She looked at Winston and said, Maybe she just fainted like she did last time; she was fine when I saw her yesterday, choking on her own voice. Winston held her arm, sat her down on the bed and said, Lets wait till morning, then. I will take you to see her. The gentleness in his voice made Mandy realise that he knew how she was feeling because he had been there and that was the only feeling he could identify with. Pain. She curled up on the bed; her heart was bursting with grief. Her eyes were swollen, and her head was pounding in pain due to lack of sleep. Mandy cried at the thought of her sister not being there for her any longer. Mumba was a friend and a sister; the closeness they had shared could not be understood by anyone but herself.

Chapter 19

June 1994

The week that followed that dreadful night when Mandy spent the night outside in the cold, after Winston locked her out, baby Christie fell ill. Winston had gone out to visit his cousin who had just returned from abroad. Mandy was baking for the school bake sale the next day and cooking dinner at the same time. The smell of the baking brought Jabu and Danny to the kitchen. Laughing, she offered to let them taste some cookies. Jabu stayed in the kitchen to help clean up as Mandy went back to the bedroom to check on Christie. There was no sound on the baby monitor that lay on the kitchen table; nevertheless, she went into the bedroom. Earlier, as her temperature seemed to have gone down, Mandy thought it was just one of those twenty four hour bugs. Mandy could feel the dampness of her own clothes due to the heat in the kitchen. When she reached down to lift Christie from her cot, she wasnt sure whether her body temperature was normal or not. She went back to the living room where Jabu was anxiously waiting to take Christie out in her stroller. Mandy finished packing the cookies and set the table for dinner. She looked out the window and saw Jabu pushing the stroller up and down the driveway. Maybe its time for them to come in, she thought. Christie was asleep again, which she found strange, as normally she would be awake and active at this time. Christie refused to sit in her highchair during dinnertime and became very restless; her fever had returned. Without hesitating, Mandy called Winston and asked him to come home.

Motherhood was a traumatising experience. Inexperienced, she didnt know how high the babys temperature would go. When the baby cried that day, Mandy ended up crying herself. She tried stroking her on the back as she lay across her lap, but to no avail. Running out of options, she strapped Christie onto her back and went out into the garden. Rhythmically, she

rocked the baby avocado tree at crying began to head on Mandys

while she walked around a small shady the end of the garden. Gradually, the ease off; gently, Christie knocked her back as sleep began to consume her.

Walking slowly back to the house across the lawn, Mandy stood on the patio for a few minutes just to make sure her baby was asleep. She then proceeded to the bedroom, where she lowered the baby into her little white wooden cot, then pulled the side of the cot up to fasten it securely. Mandy touched the babys chest lightly to see if she was still breathing. Realising she was fine, Mandy quietly walked out of the bedroom. She cared for her children and wanted the best for them. Having no support from her husband, she taught herself how to survive each day for the sake of her children. From the time she had announced she was pregnant, his attitude toward her had changed. He came home after work, changed into casual clothes and left the house without a word. Each morning he woke up early to take her to school, then went back home to have breakfast before going to work. Cosmos, the driver, had been declared redundant and had left the company as they were downsizing. Mandy missed him very much; he had spoken gently to her and had encouraged her to learn how to drive. When Mandy craved for food, she sent her sister, or cousin Mwape, to her mums; then she sat at the kitchen table, gulping the food down before Winston came home. It was a disgrace to ask for food, especially when you were pregnant, as this meant the unborn child would follow the same trend, he reminded her often. An hour went by and still no sign of Winston. She called his cousins house again and this time, his cousin answered the phone and assured her that he would make sure Winston left immediately. Mandys motherly instinct was now playing out what mattered the most was to get the baby to the doctor. The surprised tone in Winstons cousins voice made her realise that Winston had not said anything about the babys illness. It was annoying enough to be ignored, but to show a lack of concern for your child was inexcusable. The sound of screeching tires echoed through the house as Winston drove into the driveway. Gently, she lifted the baby from the bed, wrapped a shawl around her and walked to the waiting car. Christie vomited all over herself as Mandy jerked her up. Quickly, Mandy removed the soiled shawl and changed her clothes. If she didnt get out of the house soon, Winston would drive off without her.

When she opened the car door, there was a dull smell of alcohol lingering in the car. Instantly it triggered off her usual fear. Why wasnt I told that the baby was not feeling well before I left home this morning? Christie was fine this morning, Mandy answered. Christie was fine this morning, he jeered back at her. He reversed the car out of the stone driveway and headed for the main road. The traffic was heavy and Winston was swearing under his breath as though it was her fault. Fed up of waiting, he joined the main road just as a minibus was approaching. The minibus driver braked, missing them by an inch. The vicious swaying of the car made him lose control. Mandy closed her eyes as the car missed a lamppost, skidding back into the left lane. Frantically, he held on to the steering tightly as the car went onto the concrete block that demarcates the two lanes, then back onto the road with a thump. The other cars around them stopped; the honking was ominous. The bus driver pointed his finger at Winston, as passengers on the bus hurled insults at him. Totally confused but still holding onto the baby and the piece of paper with the directions given to her by the doctor, Mandy turned to look at Winston. He did not seem at all shaken. If he was, he had a tremendous way of concealing it. Winston started the car again and drove off as if nothing had happened. Mandy was shaken to the core but too terrified to say so. The doctor said we turn off Great East Road onto Katimamulilo Road, and then left at the Catholic Church. The voice that came out of her didnt sound anything like her own; her mouth felt dry as she tried hard to swallow. Maybe we should just go home, she stammered, holding back her tears. At the time, Mandy felt stupid when she came up with the suggestion, because, even before she said this, she knew what his answer would be. Do I look like a driver to you? Just because Im driving you around does not give you the right to order me around!

Winston was upset with her for talking to his cousin about the babys illness. He wanted to show people on the outside that he was a responsible father. Why didnt you wait until I came home? he roared, You cant do that because you enjoy making me look stupid in front of my relatives! Looking at her with distaste through the sides of his spectacles, he continued, You and I are incompatible, cant you see that? I am someone in society and you are nothing! Arguments were triggered off like that. He wanted to build a good self-image of himself outside his home. It was important that his wife safeguarded his image. Going against his belief system was tantamount to grave misconduct. Mandy was supposed to be the guardian of his deceit. Winston turned the car around to Mandys relief as he muttered to himself. As long as they were heading back home, he can mutter all he wants, she thought. She held on to the baby still sleeping in her arms. Mandy knew he was just going to drop them off and be off again. As she opened the front door, Mandy watched the taillights to his car disappear into the darkness. After putting the baby back into her cot, she wandered off to the kitchen. Danny was at the table, digging into his food impatiently. Upon seeing her, he put his spoon down and, with his left hand, he handed her a letter. It was a letter of expulsion from school. The letter had been given to him on Friday and he had not said a thing. It meant he was not going to be allowed into school the following day. These were times that made her think ill of Winston; he didnt seem to have time for the children and here she was, pulling her hair out, wondering what would be the best thing to do right now. There was no other way around this: she had to go to Dannys school tomorrow after Christie had seen the doctor. As she turned the light on in her bedroom, Christie woke up. Gently, Mandy lifted her out of the cot and began to feed her. The warmth of being held for a long period of time was maybe what she needed, because she fell asleep yet again. Mandy put the baby to sleep, brushed her teeth and got into bed. The principal had left word that he did not want to see any of Dannys parents; a cheque had been made out to Winston for a refund of the fees paid. What a hopeless

way of handling things, Mandy thought, looking at the cheque. Nowadays, the headmaster had so much power he can say and do what he wants. It was unheard of during the reign of the former government. No one had run a school as though it was their own business. Unfortunately, that is what it was these days, Mandy thought a business. Private schools had become popular amongst parents, as they believed they got their moneys worth. Teachers in government schools were poorly paid, so they were out doing private jobs during school hours. School inspectors were now a thing of the past, so private schools were a parents best bet. An elderly secretary sat behind a metal desk and rose briefly to offer Mandy a seat, knowing there was little or nothing she could do. He is a stubborn young man, she explained. She had sent word through Danny to ask us to come in, but by the look of things, he did not convey the message. Why didnt you phone his father? Mandy asked. You couldnt expect Danny to convey such a distressing message. Whatever Mandy said did not alter the situation. Danny had been kicked out of school and she would have to find him another school. According to the secretary, Danny was so rude that the teacher did not want him in her classroom any longer. He had been involved in a few fights and had broken some windows. No one had said anything to them, but that bill had been deducted from the school fees refunded. Mandy had always made it a point to ask Danny what they did at school each day. Happy to narrate the details, he seemed to be enjoying his new school. Without persuasion, he completed his homework in good time, and then went out to play. Danny did not display any signs of trouble or unhappiness. He had made friends, maybe too many, and contributed to class discussion and games. Mandy didnt see a need to be suspicious in any way. She thought this could have been an oversight. But, having no choice, she took the cheque and left. Winston was going to blame her for this; it had been her decision to take him to another school. Quickly, she went back to his old school and pleaded with the headmaster to take him back. As she left the building after paying the fees, she knew that Danny would never speak again and that hurt her. Mandy had no choice

Danny had to be in some kind of school. If she had had a say in the matter, she would have taken a different stance. When Winston heard about Dannys expulsion, his reaction was contrary to what Mandy dreaded. I know why I put him in that school in the first place, and you thought you were clever. Was Winston aware of the progress his son had made in that short space of time? Danny was eager to read and to show off his achievements. He looked forward to going to school and all the morning messing around had ceased. Mandy looked across to where Winston sat, contemplating whether to suggest they take Danny to an educational diagnostician. But she bit her tongue in time. It was three days after Christmas that year that Mandy gave birth to her second child. Kasoma was named after Winstons grandmother. She brought temporary joy to the family. As always, the responsibility of looking after the baby was left to her. Tired and lethargic due to lack of sleep, the baby cried right through the night. Mandy tried colic drops at bedtime, but that did not work; she sat up, walked around, and lay down, all in the hope of soothing Kasoma. As the weeks went by her fears grew: how long could Winston put up with this crying? The fear of falling asleep while still holding the baby in her arms was not worth thinking about. She sat up to feed the baby and immediately put her back in her cot when she was finished. It was during this time Mandy wondered how Kobe had coped; two children was more than enough for her. Having a history of crying herself, it did not surprise her that both her children had followed that pattern. Mandy was five years old when she finally had grown out of it. She would cry for hours until she fell asleep on the floor. Her mother was so used to it she didnt bother to put her to bed; she just enjoyed those couple of hours of peace and quiet. Recently, her mother had asked her if she remembered how much she cried as a child. Not really, Mandy had said to her. Christie continued to cry and every evening the routine was the same, and the months that followed didnt get any better. Mandy tried to pretend to her mother and sisters that everything was fine, but the stress on her face was evident. Just as she expected, Winston broke. He asked Mandy to move to the spare bedroom. He said he was not getting enough sleep and couldnt take it any longer. She had been expecting this, only it came much

quicker than anticipated. Mandy was well prepared for this and stood her ground. Their relationship was down the gutter again. He came home at odd times and removed all the blankets from the bed in the hope that would get Mandy to leave the room. When she came to bed, he would occupy the entire bed, spreading his arms and legs like a child making a butterfly in the snow. Deliberately, he switched the light on just to wake the baby up. At times, he would start to sing, just when Mandy thought the baby was asleep. Only this time he was up against a brick wall she was not the Mandy he was used to pushing around. The stress of not getting enough sleep herself made her tough and uncompromising. Mandy had learned many things about her husband. One thing he was not keen about was his past. He spoke only of how much he missed village life and when he was taken away from his mother prematurely. He also had a belief that people were after him and he had to make sure he was a few steps ahead of everyone. He stressed his love for his family, no doubt about that; his relatives were never a subject of discussion. He had a low opinion of women who indulged in mixed marriages and believed it was a betrayal of ones culture. He was a complex man. Mandy was conscious not to cross the line into his unexplored world. Many things had happened in their marriage that had led to a total transformation in Mandys behaviour. Her sister said it was shocking at just how much she had changed in the last few years. It was a negative change that was now slowly nibbling at the core of her very existence. Mandy wanted to work hard on their marriage: who wouldnt? But the more she did this, the more difficult it became for her to focus on other important aspects in her life. Winston seemed to know more about what was going on out there than his wife did. He believed Mandys friends shared their thoughts on marriage with her. To think other women would be willing to share their private lives with her was too much for her to assume. Mandy could not understand how their marriage had reached that level of mistrust and disrespect for one another. The maid was very good and that was about the only time Mandy could go out of the house. Initially, she was against the idea of putting the baby on her back, as she was still very small. But Kasoma slept more then than she did in her cot. Mandy decided to go shopping before it was time for Kasomas next feed time.

Mandy crossed the busy road, pausing in the middle before crossing over. At the corner of Middle Street, a row of women sat by the roadside, roasting sweet corn. When she put her shopping bag down to buy some corn to take home, she was still thinking where their relationship had gone wrong. She thought about when she had moved in. Winston and Mandy sat and watched television together. They sat on the patio, chatting while having a drink. Then they would go for a long walk along Middle Street. The first thing she noticed was a change in his behaviour each time his relatives came to visit; his tone of voice changed and he snapped at Mandy for any little thing, just to show his relatives he was the man in the house. After his relatives left, it was difficult for him to change back to being himself again. What affected their relationship had everything to do with his first marriage.

Winstons first wife was educated and worked for a prestigious international insurance company as an accountant. Cathy was certainly not short of money. She had been dating Winston for a year when she fell pregnant. Excited, they moved in together. It was not her expectation to live with a man who lived with his mother. But, being in love, she didnt think it would be a problem. Unfortunately, as fate would have it, not long into their stay together, Catherine suffered a miscarriage, to the dismay of her mother-in-law. Helpful and supportive, she cooked and helped with the housework while Catherine recovered from the emotional trauma. Winston had not been excited about the pregnancy originally, but over time, it grew on him. And before he knew it, he was telling everyone he was going to be a father. He seemed more affected over the miscarriage than Catherine was. Like most men, he put on a brave face and life went on as usual. But something died yet again inside of him. Each morning when they left for work, Winston would tell his mother what he wanted to eat for his evening meal. Without much thought, Catherine wondered why that responsibility was given to his mother and not to her. Being the woman in the house, it was her duty to look after Winston, his mother and all the dependents. Tradition had to be followed; she could not confront her mother-in-law over the cooking that would be taboo in the eyes of many. So each morning, she knelt outside her

mother-in-laws bedroom door and in a loud voice said, Good morning, Ma. A mother-in-law is highly respected; it was a daughter-in-laws duty to treat her well. That was one reason mothers-in-law had a big part in who their sons married. Shaking hands with your mother-in-law was not permitted, especially for a newlywed, nor should they eat meals in the same room. And whatever happened, you should never dare touch your mother-in-law. That was considered an insult. It did not take Catherine long before she began to feel out of place, which in turn created friction between her and her mother-in-law. Winston spent more time with his mother than he did with her. When they came home from work, he went straight to his mothers room. How was your day? Is there anywhere you would like to go? he would ask. And if his mother had any suggestion, that was Winstons evening taken up. The friction between the two women took a turn for the worse. They were competing to please Winston. He spoke highly of his mothers cooking and failed to compliment his wife. She just couldnt understand why his mother was living with them and all the dependents. Winston did not think it was important to tell Cathy how he had arrived at that decision. When Cathy prepared a meal, it was as though she was catering for a school boarding house. The two spare rooms were full. There were not enough beds for everyone, so some dependents slept on the bedroom floor. The line to the bathroom was worse than queuing up at a busy counter. Winston had three nephews in college. His three nieces were still at school and the other two had started work. Accommodating them all was in good faith, but surely his nieces could, if they wanted, find a room to share on campus. As for the others, it was still a long time before they were off his hands. That thought bothered Catherine and she was not going to condone living like this. Catherine woke up one morning and said, Enough is enough! I want everyone out of the house. If you dont have the courage to tell them, then I will.

Winston threatened her with being evicted herself if she said a word to any of his relatives. We are not an orphanage! These children have parents, for Gods sake, Winston. When Winston left the house that day, she sat everyone down and, in a calm voice, she said, One day I plan to have children and I would like to give them all the attention possible. And, as you can see, there is no space left in the house. If I could, Id let you all stay, but Im sorry; you all have to go back to your parents. We cant afford to have you all here. Her mother-in-law was listening in from her bedroom door as Catherine said, I will provide all of you with transport money. Just let me know where you are going. She walked out of the living room feeling relief that she had finally let it out. As she reached the door leading into the long passage, she saw her mother-in-law. A cold chill went through her spine as the two womens eyes met. The disappointment in her mother-in-laws eyes was visible. Turning her back on Catherine, she retreated into her room, closing the door behind her. Who was Catherine to suggest her grandchildren leave the house? she said to herself. She did not leave her room until Winston came home later that afternoon. Furious as a bull that had just been let out, he stormed into their bedroom and took out all Catherines belongings and threw them outside. Breathing hard, he locked the main doors to the house to make sure his wife would not enter the house upon her return. Then he drove some dependents to Mayas house and some to Hannas. Meanwhile, Cathy was at work. Winston was trying to buy time so he could think of what to do next. His anger kept building up each time he thought about what Catherine had done. Winstons anger could have easily reached boiling point. He drove at high speed, parked his car outside Hannas front door, walked round to the passengers seat and opened the door to let his mother out. Catherine was always hard-working and self-reliant, with a strong character. She had grown up in a family with a good background. Her father was a prominent businessman and her mother a doctor. When Winstons friends and relatives came home to visit, she made time for them. She entertained them and made sure they had enough to eat and drink. She was generous by nature and

his family and friends knew that about her. She spoke her mind and confronted problems like an independent woman would, something Mandy could not do. When Catherine arrived from work, she found all her belongings scattered around the yard. Slowly, she got out of the car, not believing her eyes. At the side of a flowerbed lay her knickers and bras. Her dresses, jackets, and skirts were wet and thrown in a pile near the garden tap. What the heck happened? Cathy immediately connected the dots. Could that meeting have led to this? she thought, shuddering with anger. Taking her heels off, she started to pick her clothes up one by one. What a stupid man. Only a mad person could do something like this! Never in her upbringing did she think this was possible, but here it was, right in front of her. I have every right in this house, and I will make that very clear to him, she said to herself. Hes got no idea what hes up against; she reached for the handle of the locked front door and let out a laugh. Cathy knew that some men treated women in a just manner whilst others preferred the opposite. Just because women chose not to fight back didnt necessarily mean they accepted the ghastly treatment. Catherine thought if the man she lived with had no respect for her, she would take it upon herself to educate him in a callous way. After Winston had thrown her belongings out of the house, he took his mother out for a drink. That outing did cheer her up and together they sang old village songs on the way home from the shebeen. Winston was puzzled at not finding Catherine outside, looking a sorry sight, like most women would do. Maybe she had got the message and packed her bags without a fight; that was easy, he thought. But Winston was so wrong. Catherine had forced her way in. After breaking the locks with the help of a blacksmith, promptly she replaced them with new ones. She seemed well prepared for the consequences of her actions. And, being a more civilised person than Winston, she left the front door unlocked and a meal for two on the dinner table. As calm as a chameleon, she went to bed. Winston rushed into the bedroom panting. I want you out of my house now, you bitch! Catherine got out of bed and asked, What did you just say? Before Winston could repeat himself, she

slapped him across the face, sending him flying into the wardrobe door. Having had a few drinks, there was no way he could withstand a slap of that magnitude. Catherine charged at him like a bull, lifting him by the collar and throwing him across the room before he got back on his feet. You pleaded that I move in with you, and now you want to start treating me like dirt? Winston tried to put up a fight, but he was thrown around like a rag doll. Stand up like a man if you want a divorce, she screamed at him. They had registered their marriage only a few months before after living together for a year. If only she had known who he really was then. His mission of throwing her out of the house failed miserably. Catherine was did not take things lying down. She fought back with determination until eventually Winston surrendered. Get out! Catherine shouted. He walked out and completely backed down as she slammed the door behind him. It was a bitter pill to swallow. Exhausted, he threw himself on the carpet in the living room without a stitch on him. All his clothes had been ripped off during the fight a very normal practice in traditional marriages, a tactic used to intimidate your opponent. It was tormenting for his mother to hear them fighting and not being able to come out of her room. Catherine was also half naked. How else could you curse your mother-in-law in Africa but to show her your nakedness? Winstons mother, Mary, packed her belongings. It was time for her to move yet again. Catherine took control of the kitchen and warned Winston if he ever messed with her again she would call the Human Rights Division at the police station. Winston was not worried about the police coming round; he was more worried about his job and the publicity this would cause. Catherine had earned respect that he had to succumb to. It was an interesting marriage, because neither was willing to back down. Catherine was not interested in how he felt at the time because he didnt seem bothered about how she felt. But Winston was happy, as he made clear to everyone. This was difficult to understand, but true.

Mandy walked along Middle Street, slowly carrying a few loaves of bread, some vegetables, milk and some sweet corn. At times Winston drove past her, pretending not to see her, not that it mattered much to her. She thought it was no fun being in the car with him anyway because they hardly spoke to each other. Winston had lost two very important people in his life: Cathy and Uncle Temba. Catherines character had given Winston strength. He admired her strength because she did not accept defeat. She had a masculine role in that household and Winston took the feminine role. When she died, Winston did not ask his mother to come back, as he was looking for a way to meet his long-lost father.

Chapter 20

1997

Hitting rock bottom

Mandy was in her classroom, setting up for the day. Having missed a whole week due to her sisters funeral, her classroom was in a mess. She was grateful someone was called in to cover her lessons, so she thought she should forget the mess. The difference in how teachers looked after their classroom was visible, even with little things like leaving dirty paintbrushes lying around. She shuffled around the classroom, trying hard not to think about Mumba, but everything was so fresh in her mind it was impossible not to. Mandy looked up as she heard voices coming toward her classroom. Appearing in the doorway was Maya. For a moment her heart missed a beat. Had something happened at home? Maya smiled as she walked in. Yes, I know, an unexpected visitor at work will make you assume the worst. Mandy was always worried about her children and her family. It was evident in her restlessness right through her school day, which hadnt been the case before she got married. Maya pulled a chair and sat down beside her table. I have not had the chance to talk to you alone. I thought you might be more comfortable if we talked here. At least someone thought about her and maybe understood her situation. I just dont seem to find time to visit, because Im so busy. Mandy had now got used to making up excuses and it all seemed so natural. Maya had come all that way to see her and, if Mandy didnt want to tell her the truth, how was it going to benefit her? she thought. Well, things have not been good; Im sure you heard what happened recently between him and Mrs. Jere? Mandy turned her face away, hiding her teary eyes.

It happens all the time the only difference is, you got to find out. Other women never get to find out. Mandy turned to look at her with disgust in her eyes. How can you say that? I dont mean it in a bad way, but maybe its good if you dont know, because then it doesnt hurt. Mandy had given up and she was going to make that very clear. I have nothing to say about what happened, and I prefer to leave it that way. Maya was understanding of her situation and, at the same time, she was looking for a way to help Mandy. She gave Mandy enough time to digest what she had just said to her before she went on. I have come to ask you for a favour. it in your heart to help Winston. Please find

Mandys face lit up as she said, Maya, I have nothing against Winston and Im more than willing to help, if I can. Its just that Ive not been able to move on after what happened. Her relationship with Winstons relatives was fine. She didnt want them to think she blamed them for what was happening in her marriage. Of course, a few of them were not her favourites, but nevertheless, she was not going to sink that low. Maya looked at her. Winston was cursed as a young boy by his godmother. His godmother had been widowed for a few years, but to her good fortune, she had found another man in her old age. While still in the village, Winston spent most of his time at her house and often had his meals there. Mama Stella was Winstons fathers sister and the closest relative on his fathers side. She tried to compensate for her brothers absence, even though her relationship with Winstons mother was unpleasant. Winstons fathers disappearance gave the two women something to fight about. Mama Brenda was adamant about keeping in touch with her brothers children, knowing she had every right to do so, and maintained her brother had done nothing wrong. It was considered taboo not to participate in a village celebration, even when they were being performed for someone you have disagreements with. Im sure you know that, Maya said. The village pulled resources

together for a feast, and waited for the groom to arrive, including her irate, abandoned sister-in-law. The new groom entered the village as the drums were beaten, ululating women clapped and cheered. Short, with beady eyes and a hump on his back leaning to one side, the groom walked into the village. Silence befell the waiting crowd. On the ground next to his mother sat Winston and his sister, Mimi. Amused at the sight of the strangelooking man, Winston burst into laughter and exclaimed, Look at the groom! It was something you would naturally expect from a child his age, but, unfortunately, it triggered a roller coaster of laughter. Winstons mother ran towards Winston as his godmother charged toward him. His mother pushed him behind her just in time to miss a strike that was aimed at him. You told him to do that, because you have been abandoned by your husband! Mama Brenda waved her arms in anger. As for you Winston, you will never find happiness in your life! Let my curse follow you for the rest of your life. His mother retorted, saying, He is only a young boy, how can you curse him for laughing? You should have known that before you set him up against me! With both hands on her head, she let out a cry. Unless your father and I had not shared the same womb, let this curse fail, and if we did, let this curse stand. She justified the curse. Her words brought about fear in the midst of all the onlookers. Mandy sat there, staring at Maya in astonishment. Do you now understand why he behaves the way he does? Its the curse. Youve got to help us undo that curse! We have been to many witch doctors, and they all say the same thing. What do they all say? Mandy asked curiously. You can help undo it because you hold the key to his heart. Maya was now almost talking in a whisper. Its a curse, dont you see that? Come on, Maya, you dont believe in all that rubbish, do you? The seriousness in her eyes immediately told Mandy that Maya was now looking to her to help Winston.

First and foremost, how ridiculous for her to think she held the key to his heart that was not true. Secondly, he didnt look like a guy under any kind of curse. It was very difficult for Mandy to say no, but at the same time, she had to understand what that was all about and think things through before she committed herself to such an incredible task. Take your time. When you are ready, call me, Maya said, as she rose from her chair. Mandy walked her out, and then came quickly back into her classroom to get her basket and books because Cosmos was in the car park waiting for her. As the car drove into the yard, she couldnt stop thinking about the conversation she had had that afternoon with Maya. Why should I be the one to bring sanity back into his life, when all he does is bring unhappiness into mine? But what if that curse is real? The next day, she called Maya and unexpectedly told her that she would do it as long as that was the last thing she would be asked to do. It was pleasing news for Maya. She had tried to do what she could for the couple, but things were just not working for Mandy and Winston. Mandy was not sure what was involved; nevertheless, she arranged for transport. Without a word to anyone, they set off with the driver in Winstons car. Maya gave Cosmos the directions as they turned onto a bumpy road. In the middle of a very large compound on the edge of town, the car ground to a halt. A woman, who looked bleached due to excessive use of facial creams, came out to meet them. Clearly, Maya had told them they were coming. As the woman led them to the house, Mandy elbowed Maya gently on her arm and said, I dont think its a good idea to keep Cosmos waiting outside. Maya agreed, so Mandy walked back to the car and asked Cosmos to come back after an hour or two. They were taken to a small house with a wooden doorframe made from old pieces of planks. The windows were covered with chipboard and cloth. It was dark and cramped, with many objects hanging from the roof. The dusty furniture was put in a small space in the middle of the room that had a few pictures on the wall. A petite man sat with his legs folded, holding a rattle in his hand. The sight of him sent a cold chill down her spine.

Not having gone through an experience like this in her life, Mandy was reluctant to proceed. Holding onto her arm, Maya seemed to be pulling Mandy along, as she gently dragged her feet. What are you afraid of? the witchdoctor said, motioning them to sit down on the floor. Just as they were about to set themselves down, he held up his hand up and said, Stop. Do not sit in my healing circle; sit outside that white line. Right in the middle of the small room was a white circle made of maize flour. Mandys heart missed a beat. Its fine, Maya whispered to her. The rattling was deafening, as the room was small and compact. By now, their eyes had become accustomed to the darkness. They could see the witchdoctors face. He was wearing a lot of colored beads and white feathers in his hair and smoking a very long pipe that he held in one hand, with a rattle in the other. His face was painted in different colors; he almost looked like one of those African masks you buy off the street corner. You have come to undo your husbands curse, is that right? he said, as he blew smoke into the rattle. And you, madam, are a relative to her husband, is that right? Mandy and Maya were both nodding to his questions. Acknowledge loudly, so your ancestors can hear you. Yes, they both stammered out loud, simultaneously, feeling a bit stupid. I will undo the curse and he will be free of a curse he has lived with for many years. Im the great Chanda, whose balls are used to make the greatest soup in Lambaland. Mandy quivered at hearing him talk about his testicles. Undress and enter the circle of freedom.

Cosmos had returned to the office. When Winston asked him where Mandy and Maya were, he told him, I left them in John Langs compound. What are you talking about? Winston got into the car and asked him to take him to the place he said he had

left them. All along the way, he wondered what on earth they were doing in the middle of a compound without his knowledge. When he arrived at the witchdoctors house, he was met by the bleached woman who marveled at the good flow of customers. Outside that traditional medicine mans house were scores of people waiting to have an audience with him. Others were residents who stayed there until they felt they had been cured. It was a lucrative business, but it was difficult to tell the genuineness of the trade. The witch doctors wifes job was to receive visitors and convince them they were doing the right thing. She was hasty to welcome visitors who came in cars, because she knew that was where they made their money. Swinging her hips graciously from side to side, she led Winston to the door and asked him to sit down. Astonished at how vulnerable Mandy and Maya were, Winston could not believe his eyes. Mandy and Maya were sitting in the middle of the freedom ring with no clothes on. To believe in someone is one thing, but to act on beliefs without question is another thing. Winston pulled out his belt and charged toward them. The strike of the belt on their bare backs immediately brought them back to their senses. How can you be so stupid? This man cant even fend for himself, and you sit there all naked, to his amusement? Grabbing their clothes, they began to dress while Winston proceeded to thrash the witchdoctor. The shock of seeing Winston in the room was enough to cause panic. They both walked to the car, not able to look at each other. It was a good three weeks before Mandy could bring herself to talk to Maya again. How could we not see that guy was just trying to make a fool out of us? Desperate, they did not once think what he was after. But deep down, Maya believed the curse could have been broken if only Winston had not walked in on them.

Chapter 21

February 1998

Winston meets his father

Winstons brother Egan had left the village with his father when he was only four years old. They lived with relatives while his father searched for a job. He finally got a job, but was unable to support Egan. There were no schools in the farm block where he worked. So Egan was sent to live with his fathers brother on the Copper Belt. He never saw much of his father during his upbringing, but of the three children, he seemed to be the one closest to him. On Sundays he was taken to the farm where his fathers wife would cook sweet potatoes in a roast groundnut sauce. His father was always happy to see him and would send him back with a small bag of cassava and groundnuts. Unfortunately, his father did not have any children with this woman. When he retired, he and his wife went to live in a small village in the outskirts of Ndola town. His wife contracted cholera and died; he was then left to fend for himself. Many times Winston thought about what his uncle had said before he died. Was he ready to take that bold step? Pondering it over, he decided he didnt need a father anymore. Previously, Winston had made trips to his brothers house, taking with him food and groceries, but without the courage to meet his father. His trips there were short and busy, leaving him with the perfect excuse. Winston was planning another trip to the Copper Belt, but this time he had made up his mind he was going to confront his worst fears. Arriving there in early evening, he asked his brother if he could see their father. Egan was taken aback, because his younger brother had been there many times and not once did he even look in the direction of his fathers bedroom. Suddenly, Winston wished to speak with him. Egan feared the worst for his father; he felt it was his duty to protect him. Winstons persistence made him edgy. Reluctantly, they walked into the room

together. His father had come to live there shortly after Winston had left for the city. Thank goodness for that, Egan thought. The room was dark and the poor ventilation left the atmosphere stuffy and dusty. His father was lying on a small bed reading a Jehovahs Witness pamphlet, oblivious of what was happening around him. He had just turned seventy-five a few days before. If it had not been for his short stature, he would probably have been using the support of a walking stick. His hearing was not so good, but upon seeing people enter his room, he quickly raised his head. With the help of his thick-lensed glasses, he tried to identify the two men who stood at the foot of his bed. Egan cleared his throat before he said, Winston is here to see you. Turning to his brother, he offered Winston a chair, which the latter refused to take. He stood there, staring at his father with scorn. His sad and aging father stretched out his shaking hand, which Winston ignored. He just stood there, breathing heavily, as though he were about to explode. Without a hint, he charged towards his father. Egan, who seemed prepared for the worst, quickly intercepted him. Come on, Winston, look at him. There is nothing left of him; do you want to live with the blame of finishing him off? He has been hurting as well. For years he has tried to ask you for forgiveness. Please calm down. You both need this moment for you to move on. By the time his brother had finished talking, Winston was in tears, shouting at his father for abandoning him. You thought we would all die and not grow up to see how miserable you are? You left mother alone in a village that did not have any other abandoned woman except her. And you expect me to call you father? You dont deserve anything in this world; count yourself lucky, because if it had not been for Egan, you would have been out on the streets. Whats your story after all these years? Pulling up the chair he had previously refused to sit on and looking into his fathers face, he shouted, Tell me, Im all ears: why did you abandon your family?

Winstons father sat up, his voice shaking. You were much too young to understand at the time, Winston. Your mother and I did not quarrel or fight; I loved her very much. I love all of you, even if I just took off with Egan. It was wrong for me to leave the way I left, and there is nothing I can do about it now. But what I would like is to see my grandchildren before I die. Well, for your information, count my children out; they dont deserve a grandfather like you. Winston stormed out of the room. What do you know about love? he shouted, slamming the car door. How could anyone do a thing like that? It was beyond his understanding. Winston often did things on the spur of the moment and ended up hurting the people he loved. He thought about throwing his wifes clothes outside, for no reason, and locking Mandy out in the cold. At that point, he wept like a baby. How can I love when I wasnt taught to love? he wondered. Winston walked out of the house still breathing heavily. He took his glasses off hands shaking and wiped them lightly with his handkerchief. As he put his glasses back on, something caught the corner of his eye. Turning slightly to the left, his eyes firmly fixed on a figure sitting under a mango tree that no longer bore fruit on the side of the house. Winston lifted his foot to walk down a short step leading from the house front door. He narrowly missed the step but managed to hold his balance. On a reed mat, shelling groundnuts, was Winstons mother. Mouth wide open, he walked toward the large tree. The tree stood majestically between short hedges with thick branches and leaves that cast a comfortable shade around it on hot day like that one. Judging by the things that lay on the mat it was undoubtedly the fact that his mother had spent most of her day sitting under that tree. Beside her was a small silver teapot with a Chinese metal cup that had a lid. Next to a small bag of groundnuts were a couple of small gospel books and a pair of old spectacles that had been repaired with a plaster. Winston stood inches away from the reed mat, completely taken aback upon seeing his mother. What are you doing here? I thought we agreed? Winston stammered staring at his mother. Why was I not told you were here? I kept my promise as long as I lived in your house and all that time my heart was here, she said, gently

cracking the small pods. Winstons mother now looked old and frail and was using a walking stick to get around. How could you forgive him, mother, after what he did to you? Winstons mother did not look at her son. She continued to shell the handful of groundnuts she had just gathered from the bag. A heart that forgives moves on. You have come all this way and still choose to leave without letting go of your past. Open your heart Winston, just this once. Winston turned around and started to walk towards to his car that was parked outside the yard. His mothers voice still echoing in his head, Winston started the car. It hurt him to leave the one woman he loved so much and not to be able to assure her he was ready to open his heart to his father. Winston now had a valid reason to return. Winston would never find out what went wrong between his mother and father or why he had left. That information was locked up in his fathers small world. Winstons father had been castigated for most of his life by his friends and relatives, but that did not deter him. He continued to protect the familys honour like the large barren tree that stood in his sons back garden. For once in his life, Winston felt a release of all the anger that had piled up all those years. Driving back at full speed, with Lucky Dubes song playing on a CD, he headed back to the city. How he wished that meeting had turned out differently! Winston fought the urge to turn back. If only he could establish a relationship with his father now. Winston never went back on his word and he would not go back; he would rather continue to hurt than lose what he thought of as strength, when, in actual fact, it was his weakness. When Winston arrived back from his trip, he was in such high spirits that Mandy dared not ask him why. Having said what he had wanted to say all those years, he felt a weight off his shoulders. If he is in a good mood, dont ask why, just enjoy the moment, Mandy thought. Not a hint from Winston about his trip to the Copper Belt; however, he had mentioned it to Maya, as he seemed to trust her more than he did his wife.

The months that followed were better than normal. Winston sent food and clothes to Egan more often than before. Without giving up on who he believed he was, he wanted to provide for his father even after that dreadful meeting. When he travelled to the Copper Belt thereafter, he made an effort to put his head around his fathers bedroom door just to say hello. The rest of his time there was spent under that large tree with his mother in the cool shade, well protected from the harsh rays of the sun. Winstons father regarded himself lucky to have two boys and a girl. Between them, they now had twelve children. He had children and grandchildren whom he had thought he would never have, because deep down he knew he was never capable of fathering children. If Winston had strangled him that day, he would have killed his mothers love, and not his father in the real sense. A couple of years later, Mandy received news that Winstons father had passed on. Conveying the message to Winston, she added, I must have got it wrong, maybe its an uncle. She showed him the piece of paper where she had written the message and the name of the deceased. Winston didnt even read the message. Yes, it is my father and there is nothing wrong with that message. But, I thought-- Mandy began to say. He lived with Egan, thats all you need to know. Pack my bags, he ordered. Dumbfounded to learn that his father had still been alive, Mandy wondered why he had not talked about him. She had been married to Winston for seven years and didnt even know his father was alive. Without her knowing, Winston had been back many times to visit his father and taken him out to visit other relatives who lived on the Copper Belt. Maybe that was the reason his children spent one school holiday with their uncle Egan. As much as he couldnt bring himself to accept this part of his life, he had, in many ways, embraced it. After Winston left that morning, Mandy decided to take the evening flight to the Copper Belt to attend the funeral. Although he was not happy to see her there, Winston controlled himself. Showing politeness in front

of his relatives, he went round introducing her to other relatives shed not met. A few days later Winston and she drove back to the city without a word or a mention of the funeral or his father. The chapter was closed.

Chapter 22

May 1999

The separation

What time should I pick you up tomorrow morning, mum? Cosmos asked politely when they arrived at the house. Dont worry about me, Cosmos. Take the day off and I will see you Monday morning. Mandy was going to the school carnival the next day and it was not until 11:30 that she had to report to the tombola stall. She got out of the car and took her school basket out of the boot and waved goodbye to Cosmos. Mandy had been driven back and forth by Cosmos for years and most times she got out of the car, smiled and said Thank you, see you tomorrow. It was different this time. She waved to him sincerely, knowing that might be the last ride back home. Winston was watching television when she walked in. They hardly spoke to each other now. As she put her basket by the kitchen door she took her lunchbox and water bottle out of her basket, emptied her bottle then rinsed it with hot water. Coming home was no longer a happy experience, but she had to come home for the children. She gave Kasoma and Christie a cuddle. Laughing and completely out of breath, Kasoma seemed to be having fun. The maid was pushing Kasoma on her small swinging chair that was attached to a small wooden frame. Christie was playing with some toys that were scattered on the floor. She walked out of the room thinking that at least the children were unaware of their surroundings and the fragility of the whole situation in the household. But what about the other children in the house, and the dependents? The girls went to school each morning, which was a good thing. In the afternoon they sat around plaiting their hair waiting for the next meal. Hardly did they speak to Mandy except when they were in need of school

requisites. Her job was to cook for them and thats exactly what she did. Their allegiance was with their uncle and no one else. It was understandable: Winston was giving them an education and shelter, even though living with their parents would have been more psychologically beneficial for them. Mandy changed into comfortable clothing and then went into the kitchen to prepare dinner. She cut the vegetables, and then put the lamb chops in the oven.

It seemed as though it had only been yesterday when Mandy moved in with Winston, and now it was six years and nothing had changed. Winston was constantly in a bad mood and had managed to close her out completely, making her feel she had not worked hard enough on her marriage. Im fed up, she thought. If she could find a small apartment to move into for the time being, that would be the best thing for her. Why dont I go out, look at a few places after the carnival? she thought, setting the table. That thought cheered her up a little. After the carnival, Mandy got a lift from Joyce into town and got out at City Bank. From there she went in and out estate agents offices. Most of the offices on Cairo road had closed down. There were estate agents on every street. Most were asking for money to view apartments, while others were asking for transport back and forth. When did this trend start? she wondered as she descended a flight of stairs. It was a hot afternoon, obviously the wrong time of day to undertake a task like that one. After viewing a few houses, she settled for an apartment that she thought seemed safe. The landlord had got a job and was leaving the country. He was in need of a tenant as soon as possible. It worked to Mandys advantage. Being in a hurry did not aid the landlord in any way, and he had to settle for less than he expected. He drove into the small single carport where Mandy and the estate agent were waiting, bringing the contract and keys to the house minutes after chatting on the phone. Relieved, Mandy walked to the bus stop that was at the end of Alick Nkata Road and took a taxi home.

The front door stood open when she arrived at the house. Winston was watching a football match. Mandy paused at the doorway. She took her dusty shoes off and then bravely walked towards an empty chair next to

Winston and sat down. She had not done this in a long time, unsure of what to say or what his reaction might be. Ive got to get to the point before I lose the ability to do so, she thought, fidgeting with the strap of her handbag. Without dragging it out, she gathered the courage. Ive found a small flat and Im moving out this evening, Mandy said in a calm manner. Winston did not take his eyes off the television. Suit yourself, he said. Mandys heart sunk. She didnt actually expect anything better than that. Why then did she seem surprised? Mandy got up and quickly walked to the bedroom, her face feeling hot and sweaty. Disappointed and surprised, she packed the childrens clothes and hers and then went out to look for a cab. Putting Christie in the back seat with Mwape, she got into the front passengers seat with Kasoma on her lap. There was luggage stuffed in every corner of the small taxi. Mandy couldnt bear making another trip back but would rather settle for a short trip of discomfort. As they drove off, a wave of relief came over her. She had nothing to fear at the moment, but pondered how long this freedom would last.

When Mandy turned up to work that Monday, people were talking about her break up. It was as though she had committed a crime. It was a diverse and complex school community and their perspective of the situation was narrowed due to a lack of information. She went about her work confidently and made sure she turned up to every meeting and event.

The double-story apartment had two small bedrooms and one large one on the top floor. Mandy occupied the large bedroom that lay at the south end of the apartment that had a large balcony overlooking several back yards in the neighbourhood. The area was noisy, being close to a main road, and at night the headlights from passing cars shone directly through Mandys bare windows. She lay on the bed staring at the full moon that seemed close through the glass panes. Her heart felt cold and empty as

the cold draft coming through the large living room windows blew right through the house.

After living apart for a couple of months, Winston begun to think about their relationship and, hard as it was for him, he started to visit the children. When Mandy was at work he took them to the park. On several occasions the topic arose: what was the way forward? She was not ready to discuss that yet. Christie had just started school that year and would need parental support.

It was not until the following year that they both felt their relationship had normalized. Winston seemed much more relaxed and at peace with himself. So by the end of the following year they both agreed to give their marriage a second chance. Mandy felt recharged and thought she could cope much better. Their plan was to move to a new house, hoping a change of environment would help their relationship. The new house was built on a hill. It had a large sloping garden that led to some marshy land at the end of the garden. Standing on the back veranda gave you a view of the township and the railway line. That area was an upcoming residential area that consisted of many new houses. The road was gravel with potholes along the way. There was still a lot to be done to improve the drainage system in the area. Heavy rains left large puddles of water in the middle of the road. Other houses with high wall fences that were lined with broken glass surrounded their house, and a vast majority had electric wire fences. That told you there were security issues in that area.

Life at the new house was much better: they spent time on the veranda chatting in the evening looking at the lit up city. When they disagreed over something, Mandy simply backed down. If he woke up in a bad mood, she still prepared his breakfast, put it on the table and then went and sat in the garden. At times she was asked to visit his relatives to deliver a letter or money. Mandy did not ask any questions. She just drove off and did exactly what she was told. Mandy waited for him to read the morning paper before she could read it. If he said he was going to pick up her up after school, she

would be waiting outside her classroom for an hour or more just to avoid an argument. Mandy continued where she had left off, living a lie believing things were better, when in actual fact, they remained the same.

The older children were still giving them problems, and now they were drinking and smoking. Fights broke out often. Mandy encouraged Winston to talk with the children so that he could understand their thinking, but that did not happen. All he said was that it wasnt not due to bad behavior: it went far beyond that. Its a curse. Winston said with confidence. Mandy fluttered her eyelashes like an owl when she heard this. If anything, that was one word she did not want to ever hear again. Educating children was her passion. If only Winston had more faith in her, things would be different. A curse? Mandy was not curious at all to know what the curse was all about. Winstons upbringing had been tough. As a young boy he walked for hours to get to the nearest school with no shoes on his feet. When his uncle brought him to the city, his cousins used to bully him. Sometimes he went to school without having a shower because he was too afraid to confront them or knock on the door when it was his turn to shower in the morning. Often he would point at his own childrens expensive toys and bicycles that he had purchased for them over the years. I wish my children could learn to appreciate the good life they have. I provide everything they want because I do not want them to live like I did, he said to Mandy that afternoon. Even though his motive was good, he went about it in the wrong way; they needed to be taught how to save money and how to look after their toys and belongings. But, Winston argued, he had had no one to teach him these things and had managed to cope in life. Winston was right in some ways, but what did coping really mean for him? Time spent apart had made both realise they had to work hard on their marriage. For Mandy, coming home was a much better experience than it had been before. The only difference was that she had become accustomed to coming home to stories of what Danny had done. He was getting worse by the day.

It was Winstons birthday, so Mandy decided to go home early. On arrival she asked Winston if he wanted a cup of coffee. She made herself a cup of coffee then sat down to watch the Oprah Winfrey show, one advantage of coming home early. Winston was rather quiet and withdrawn, which made her wonder what the story of the day was. Before Mandy could open her mouth, he looked at her and said Danny had given Kasoma some tablets and then tried to get Christie to smoke. It could have been anything, Winston said with a heavy heart. What did you say? Mandy turned to face Winston. She couldnt believe what she had just heard and began to shake all over. I am so angry with myself because I was at home, I should have protected the children, Winston went on. Mandy lost her appetite and all the plans she had for that day were crushed. I dont want him in this house if he's a danger to my children, Im sorry. She put her cup of coffee on the table and left the room. She had never imagined anything of that magnitude would happen right under her nose. How was this going to impact their marriage? It was not Winstons fault, but it was a problem that had been left unresolved for a long time. A fight had broken out that morning between Danny and their young gardener David. When Winston heard the noise, he came out to find out what was happening. David said he was trying to stop Danny from giving Christie cigarettes. Mandy had employed a new gardener who did seem to understand Dannys nature but stood his ground to protect an innocent child. In the past it had never been a problem as there were people at home to look after the baby. Being a Friday, the maid had knocked off early. Danny knew exactly sucked on anything that kids do. The more Mandy infuriated she got, but anything. what he was doing. Christie was put in her mouth like all thought about it, the more hoped Christie had not ingested

After hearing what happened, Winstons brother Egan arranged that Danny move to boarding school on the Copper Belt. But even then, Mandy feared the worst if he ever came back when they were both not at home. When Winstons other relatives heard of the unfortunate incident, they were quick to judge Mandy. Danny was hanging out with the wrong crowd, smoking pot and drinking. After Mandy had taken him back to his old school, he went backwards. Like

she had predicted, Danny did not utter a word. The friends he talked to were boys in the neighbourhood who had dropped out of school. He had the ability to make friends with strangers and tried to avoid familiar people his age. Dannys issue left her with a feeling of helplessness. She had run out of advice or suggestions. Danny went to live with Egan for a couple of weeks, enough for Egans wife Mary to grow grey hair. She chased him around the yard like a chicken they were about to cook, calling him all kinds of names. By the end of two weeks, Egan called Winston to say they couldnt cope. Danny went to school when he wanted to regardless of what the teacher said. He got into fights and was arrested a few times.

The educational system in the country does not have special programs to cater for juvenile delinquency. When minor crime is committed by children, they are caned and later sent home. Mandy took it upon herself to find out the root cause of Dannys problem. When Danny came home on holiday she still called it that, even though she knew he had not been going to school she took him to see a specialist. After several tests the diagnosis was Danny was autistic, but as there were many kinds it was difficult for them to state exactly which type of autism he had.

Chapter 23

The accident

Warmly tucked in bed, the thunder roared and the lightning flashed. It rained heavily that night, making her wonder how Winston could still be out in that dreadful weather. A few hours later she woke up and Winston had still not returned. She went to the kitchen got herself a glass of water and briefly stopped by the dining room window that overlooked the driveway. The storm was just abating as she returned to bed again. Could he have decided to go back to the shebeen again? With that thought in mind, she pulled the duvet over her shoulders and closed her eyes as another flash of lightning lit up the dark room. When she woke up for the second time, Winston was by her bedside nudging her elbow. Mandy, wake up. Look what happened to me. The bright light in the room made it difficult for Mandy to focus; she looked at him with one eye closed, and slowly she pulled herself up into a sitting position leaning against the headboard. Rubbing her eyes, she took a closer look. His face was covered in blood coming from a deep cut on the forehead. In her sleepy state she couldnt make sense of what he was trying to tell her. Who did this to you? She got out of bed and quickly got a wet towel from the bathroom. He held it to his head while Mandy dressed up. Winston was losing a lot of blood. The first thing that came to her mind was that maybe she did not hear him honk and he had been attacked at their gate. Houses that had wall fences and gates were at times not safe. Honking in the middle of the night told everyone you were home. Winston had been attacked by unknown people and sustained serious injuries to his head, arm and legs. That afternoon he had gone to meet a friend for a drink and ended up staying out late at night.

As they got into the car she noticed the gate had been left wide open. Mandy turned to Winston. Who opened the gate for you? she asked, putting her seat belt on. I dont know, must have been one of the children, I cant see anything, he responded. Mandy looked at him only to discover both eyes were swollen. He couldnt open them. On the way to the clinic she called her sister Rita who lived close to the clinic to meet them there. Shocked to receive a phone call from her sister at that time, Rita quickly got out of bed. Its Winston. Hes been attacked by unknown people at a bar, Mandy explained. Rita had many questions to ask, and after giving her brief answers Mandy drove to the clinic. What did they want from him? Rita asked, unlocking her car door. Rita was a light sleeper and even when they were young she woke up to any little noise in the room all her sisters shared. Even before Mandy finished speaking, she was dressed and heading for the door. Rita had been a victim of an attack in the past so she knew thugs normally demanded something from you. They had wanted her car keys and cell phone. Upon relinquishing both, they took off with her car and phone. In Winstons case they did not take anything from him, so what was the reason behind his attack? Mandy and Rita sat in the waiting room waiting for the specialist doctors to attend to Winston. It brought back memories of Mumbas illness and her eventual death in that same hospital. Cold shivers run through Mandy as she wrapped her scarf tightly around herself. How then did Winston manage to drive home, negotiating all the corners? There must have been someone else in the car and certainly someone who knew where they lived. Thank goodness hes safe, she thought. The doctor came out of the examining room an hour later and said he had suffered a fractured arm and was to undergo surgery to remove a blood clot and bone fragments. At first glance it didnt seem as though he was badly injured, except for the large amount of blood oozing out. The seriousness of his accident was unexpected. Winston would be in hospital for a couple of weeks.

As she drove home the next morning she was determined to find out what exactly happened that night before Winstons relatives arrived. His brother and sister had said they would travel down to the city to see him after they heard the unfortunate news. Her best bet was to go to the accident scene. So, along with Winstons cousin, they drove to Camp Dickson bar. The owner of the bar was helpful and walked them to where Winston said he was that night. Nothing visible could be seen, not even a drop of blood. Later they went to the police station to find out if they had made any arrests. That also was a dead end. The police had spoken to a few people who were at the bar and all denied seeing any fight or anyone being attacked. Unusual incidents would attract attention and would not go unnoticed. What they saw that afternoon was the place Winston claimed to have been attacked. I dont think he can remember exactly where he was sat, cousin Bwalya said as they walked out. Mandy stood there looking that had no grass or any large space was a wide road that was a 180-degree view of the area. and shops. It would have to be without being spotted. around the empty space stones. Next to that empty well lit at night. It had There were people, houses a ghost to pull it off

In Africa people are curious, especially if a fight breaks out. They collaborate and try to stop the fight before it escalates in the fear of it spreading. And like the police rightly said, if Winston had been attacked where he said he had been attacked, someone was bound to have seen something. But maybe the bar owners were trying to avoid trouble with the police, Mandy thought as she drove off.

Winstons uncle, brother and sister arrived the following weekend. Mandy briefed them on what had happened and what the police had found out so far. They were not convinced. His relatives decided they would make their own assessment of the accident. Mandy drove them to the police station. The constable in charge of his case walked up to them and asked what they were doing at the station again. Cousin Bwalya explained that maybe Mandy could help with the investigation. Was she with Winston on the night of the accident? the policeman asked.

No. Thats why we would like to know where she was. his brother chipped in. Their hope was to trigger suspicion that would lead the police to believe Mandy was involved. Mandy was asked to wait in a side room while the policeman continued asking his relatives for more information. From where she sat, she could see Winstons relatives walk out of the station. They crossed the road and walked into the market across the road, convinced Mandy was behind Winstons accident. Mandy sat on the wooden bench waiting for the next shift of officers to come in. From where she sat she could see people coming and going. People stared at her, wondering what she was doing there. Unsuspecting, she sat there anxious to get to the hospital for the next visiting hour. Mandy walked up to the desk and asked what time she could leave. The policeman at the desk rudely told her to sit down and wait. As she walked back to the bench she heard a voice behind her greet her warmly. Mandy turned around. Standing in front of her was Joe Mushili, the boy she had saved from poisoning at the campsite years before. Joe had just walked in seconds after she left the front desk. He seemed relaxed and at ease, as though he lived there. He sat down on the bench even before Mandy did. Hesitating, she sat down too. Her back was now hurting from sitting on that backless wooden bench. Mandy explained her situation to him. Joe asked to see her cell phone. Winston had called her twice that evening to tell her where he was and that was about 21:00 and said he would be home soon. The second time he called was to tell her he had bought fresh maize and her favourite vegetables. The maize and the vegetables were not in the car when Mandy drove him to the hospital. Joe looked at the time the call was made on Mandys phone and then turned to her and said. I dont understand why they suspect you are behind this. Your husband is the key person in this investigation, and he still hasnt said where he was. Joe went into an office at the far end of the corridor that faced the north, carrying with him Mandys phone. He reappeared with the officer in charge. Joe introduced him as Simon. Shortly after that Mandy was asked to leave. As she walked out she could hear Joe asking the policeman, Who is the complainant? The officer had removed Mandys sim card from her phone, he said, in case she was asked to come back again.

Silently, Mandy drove Winstons relatives home, thinking how insensitive they were. Chatting and joking amongst themselves, they asked her to stop at a bottle store. As they filed out of the car, Mandys disappointment was visible. All along she thought she had gained the respect of his family thinking they appreciated what she was doing for the family. But that was her perception of things and not theirs. Why would she want to harm Winston? Mandy acknowledged the insurmountable problems in their marriage. But there had never been an exchange of words on that prickly issue. However badly he treated her, Mandy knew he would not harm her. The anger she was feeling was enough to tell them to get out of her car, but she waited patiently for them to return. When they got home, Winstons meal was ready, a perfect excuse to leave. Mandy had a quick shower, packed the lunch boxes in a paper bag, and bade them goodbye. Her cousin Mwape helped her with the children and the cooking. When Winston was finally discharged, to the relief of everyone, his relatives would at last travel back home and things would get back to normal, Mandy thought. She had made enough trips back and forth to the hospital. Hopefully she would now also return to work. She couldnt stop wondering what Winstons reaction would be when Mandy told him she was the chief suspect in Winstons case.

Mandy went back to work to the delight of her workmates. Her assistant Marjory immediately asked her what had actually happened. There are many different stories going round, she said. Marjory was curious to know the truth. Mandy was taken back but went ahead to explain what she thought actually happened. Listening to herself narrate the story to Marjory made her realise there was no substance in what she was saying. That was the second thing that did not make sense to her. She thought about how she had brought it up with Winston the previous night. She told Winston about the accusation and how the police wanted to question her further. People just dont make accusations like that unless there is something you are not telling me, Winston had said. Not believing what she had just heard, Mandy rephrased the sentence. You know that I was at home that

night. How can you even begin to think it was me? she said with tears in her eyes. Let the police do their job and if you are innocent, well and good, he said, and then asked for a cup of tea. How can you even consider such baseless accusations? she said, shaking her head as she left the room. There was no more anger left in Mandy; she had depleted her resources. And now, that whole conversation went through her mind as she stood at her table staring through her classroom window. Marjory could see how difficult this was for her and now she wished she had not opened her big mouth. Mandy and Marjory had worked together for many years, and she knew Mandy would hate to hear this from someone else. Winston was actually in teacher Rachels neighbourhood, Marjory said, finding it extremely difficult to continue. The teachers at school all knew Mandys car and there was no way they could mistake it for another car. The side mirror had been knocked off during the struggle and she had not yet got it fixed. When the teachers arrived that morning, intimate details narrated by Rachel matched what they saw when they walked past Mandys car. A partially cracked side window and the broken side view mirror.

Winston was attacked at a house a distance away from Camp Dickson bar. Like the police had told Mandy, there was just one other case of assault reported by a housewife. The woman went to the police station for help. When the police went to the scene they found blood and broken pieces of furniture but nothing else. Mandy stared across the room in a daze; the police arrested the womans husband for assault and they were waiting for the person who had been injured to come forward. That man was Winston. A couple days later the accused man was released, as there was no record of assault reported. The reason the police came to the hospital was to get a statement from Winston hoping he would fill in the missing pieces. If his relatives had a suspect, then he didnt have to explain where he was that night.

On that fateful night Winston was at Camp Dickson for a few drinks with an unknown person. He then drove off and parked the car not far from Camp Dickson. He

walked to Mrs. Jeres house as arranged. But unforeseen by both of them was Mr. Jeres early return. Winston tried to escape but was caught in full view of his neighbours. Winston was beaten to a pulp with a baton stick, and it was sheer luck that he managed to crawl into a dark corner where he waited for the right moment to escape. Impatient and worried, Mrs. Jere waited for Winston by his car, and when he finally appeared she bundled him into the car and drove him home. Seeking refuge with a friend that night, Mrs. Jere was spooked by Winstons injuries, injuries inflicted by her husband.

Mandy came home from school with a long face. Winston took one look at her and immediately knew something was not right. Mandy felt nauseated at the realisation of what had happened. How could she have missed the connection? Of course Winston couldnt go to the police to tell them who had attacked him because it would only open up a can of worms. The bond between him and Mrs. Jere was still strong. Foolishly, she had gone to the accident scene to try to find out what happened, insisting to the police to get to the bottom of it. How many times do you have to hit the wall before it dawns on you Mandy? she asked herself. Her marriage had done her more harm than good and now finally the curtain of pretense had fallen down. She had believed in Winston even after what she had gone through and he still let her down. A wedding is an occasion everyone looks forward to. People turn up in large numbers to celebrate. Its a happy time, because you want everyone to share the joy with you. You want the whole world to know you are in love. Divorce was not a celebration, because you dont need invitations or help with preparations. Its a journey you take alone. Friends and relatives do not want to be part of it and prefer you dont discuss it with them. But they are quick to say, Let us know if you need anything. They know you will not need anything except yourself. Mandy stood at the edge of the bed looking at her husband. Winston, I want a divorce, she said with absolutely no evidence of anger in her voice. At that moment, she felt like a deflating balloon, only it wasnt air but her life that was escaping uncontrollably. Breathing deeply, her chest felt tight.

Mandy was grasping for air. Shaking, she took a few steps back. She turned around, opened the bedroom door and walked out. With each step she took more air got into her lungs. Winston was not able to vouch for her innocence even after lying to her. Tears rolled down her face as anguish and sadness took over. It was time to let him go.

Chapter 24

2000

Winstons Departure

Marilyn was a new Canadian teacher who had joined the school that academic year as a relief teacher. Open and cheerful, she brought a spark with her. Often they chatted about education when Mandy went to her class to pick up Christie, who was now in grade one, but it was never anything to do with her marriage. Marilyn was sincere in dealing with sensitive issues within the department and came up with mature solutions, thereby gaining the respect of her new workmates. It was a difficult time at the school as the staff were divided. The school board was working hard to alleviate the problem but that only seemed to make it worse.

The dispute over settling in allowances between the overseas and local staff was creating a hostile atmosphere in the school and any means to justify the discrepancies in conditions only revealed more double standards in the administration. It wouldnt have been an issue if they had not published all the figures, but stupid as they were, the settling in allowance proposals were circulated around school in a survey on conditions. Initially intended for the eyes of the expatriate community alone, it had been given to the local teachers by mistake. The local teachers understood they were supposed to give their opinions on proposals via a vote. The administration was then baffled by the sheer number wishing for a substantial settling in allowance from those it had originally intended to exclude from the vote.

The teachers gathered in the staffroom waiting to be addressed by the chair of the board. They sat chatting within their respective factions. Divided even in where

they stood, the locals and expatriates were located at opposite sides of the staffroom. When Mr. Bonhof walked into face told them he did not relish deliberated on this issue and it Anyway, we need to work together allow issues like these to stand the room the look on his this task. We all have has not been easy. as a team and lets not in our way.

Mr. Bonhof hesitated and was clearly thinking how he was going to break the news to local teachers. Settling in allowance will be paid as stipulated but it will only be paid to overseas hired teachers. Like I said, it has not been an easy decision. Any questions, please? Marilyn, who was raised her hand. You but could you tell us local teachers, as we standing not far from Mr. Bonhof, have explained that very well, sir, what allowance will be given to the are all doing the same job?

It was a tense meeting that ended with no definite answer to this from the board chair, who was angered by Marilyns honest question.

Mandy walked back to her class with a group of teachers as they discussed the outcome of the meeting. Marilyn convinced the small group to have hope in the board and give them time to come up with something positive. Mandy was thinking about Winstons departure: money was crucial at the moment. How would she survive on her present salary? Im having a family day at my house tomorrow. Please bring the kids along, Marilyn said to Mandy when they arrived at her classroom door. I would really like that, but I dont have transport at the moment, Mandy replied, while thinking it would be a good way to keep her mind off things. Luckily, Marilyn offered to pick her up. Winston had asked his relatives to return to mediate while he prepared for his departure. They occupied one end of the house while Mandy, Mwape and the children occupied the other. They were all living in the same house but trying by all means to avoid one another. Meals were cooked separately and eaten at different times.

The day Winston came home and announced he had heard from Mandys lawyer he seemed quite relieved: it was as

though he had been looking forward to it. After the announcement, his relatives started to pack their belongings and were ready to leave the next morning. Winston would leave for Mweru that weekend.

It was the morning of July the 16th when Winston left. He packed all his belongings, turned around to give Mandy a handshake and left without looking back. Mandy felt a lump in her throat as she stood in the now-empty large four-bedroomed house with bare windows. The curtains had been taken down and the furniture distributed to Winstons relatives. Confronting this bitter and unperturbed reality, Mandy had to begin to believe her heart could break this soil for significant parts of her life to begin to grow again. Leaning against the headboard of her bed, she sat up waiting for the sun to come up, completely oblivious of where she was. Mandy had never imagined she would feel the way she did. She was completely torn apart. She made it a point not to confide in anyone about her situation at home. Not even her sisters had any knowledge that Winston was leaving that day. As soon as the sun came up she went to the kitchen to make breakfast for the kids who normally woke up early, but not on this particular day. Mandy sat cross-legged on the floor as if meditating with a cup of coffee in front of her, staring at the steam rising from her cup with a confused expression on her face.

Marilyn was coming to pick her up that morning. Mandy had to pull herself together. She got the children ready, happy to be going out for the day. Christie and Kasoma had no idea their lives had changed. As promised, Marilyn came at the planned time. Happy to be in a different environment, Mandy tried very hard to be herself. Cloudy and cold, the weather didnt seem too favourable for the occasion, but the warmth of the people there made up for it. Mandy was still in a world of her own: she could not take recent events out of her mind. Marilyn sat next to her with her arm around her. It was only then Mandy realised everyone could see she wasnt herself that day. Divorce is like mourning: there are stages you go through. If you need to talk to someone Im here to listen, Marilyn said gently.

Why does it hurt so much when my life with Winston lacked any affection? Mandy wondered. She closed her eyes, trying hard to look within for answers to all the despairing questions looming inside. When two people are married, they become one, Marilyn said. It was comforting to be able to freely talk to someone about how she was feeling and not feel ashamed. Before Marilyn left she said a prayer, a beautiful prayer that Mandy wished she could remember.

Marilyn became her guide and pillar to recovery, because she taught her how to look within herself. Looking for someone to assure her she had made the right decision was not going to happen. Mandy had to find her own healing, but even after realising this she was still miserable. She went to work in the morning and spent the afternoon sitting on her bed, wrapped in blankets, staring into space. Her sleep pattern changed and she suffered from headaches and stomach upsets. Marilyn suggested they go out for lunch at Lilayi Lodge just to cheer her up. Mandy didnt feel like going out at all, but if there was company she didnt mind being with, it was Marilyn. It had been one of the coldest July months they had experienced in years and the sky was overcast as they drove towards the southern end of the city. The lodge had a variety of wild animals and the tour guide seemed to know where to find them all. A group of impalas ran in front of them as they drove along the forest tracks. In an opening they found some Thorneycroft giraffes, their velvety skin with dark patterns looking like cloth. Mandy had never been that close to wild animals even though she had lived in Africa most of her life. They drove across an opening to a thorny bush patch where zebras were hiding in the vegetation. Hundreds of duikers scampered around, curiously looking at the jeep. Mandy enjoyed the game drive more than she had expected. A couple who sat in front of them had come out for their honeymoon. She couldnt help looking at the couple holding hands as they kissed each other. The game drive was remarkable even though they hadnt seen a wide variety of animals. Being out in nature produced a good feeling of ease. It was calming, something she had not felt in a long time. Mandy was chattier over lunch and seemed brighter, but unfortunately Marilyn ate very little because she had a

stomach upset. The dining area at the lodge was large, open and airy. From where they sat they could see ducks on a nearby pond. The surroundings were fresh and green and being a little out of the city, it was an ideal place to enjoy nature. The day out was Mandys birthday treat from Marilyn. Thats why it felt so special: when was the last time anyone had thought about her? Mandy slept so soundly that night, maybe because she was exhausted or maybe because she had had the chance to experience something profoundly different. Early Monday morning Mandy dashed to Marilyns classroom to thank her again but discovered that her friend had fainted on the bathroom floor on Sunday and had been taken to the clinic. But she took me out for lunch on Saturday, Mandy told the principal, Mr. Richards. I know; she told me she would, he said. She has not been feeling well for a few days. Realising just how much Marilyn had sacrificed to make her happy on that special day made Mandy understand what it meant to be gifted with the power to share. Mandy walked back to her classroom saying a prayer: Dear God please protect her. I send all the happiness she shared with me to aid her healing.

Growing up in a Christian home, Mandy was taught not to question things beyond natural understanding. To pursue such subjects would only lead to madness. Religion seemed to be diverse these days, unlike during the time when her parents grew up, and there seemed little point in following a certain way of worshipping unless you believed it. On Sundays her sisters all went to the same church, their children spent time together and planned weekends around each others schedules. Occasionally, whilst still with Winston, she would join them for Sunday lunch, a long-standing family tradition. Mandy could not however join them in their worship and follow their practice without question as she could see good in many different religions and did not want to close her mind to receiving any form of spiritual guidance or knowledge.

Guilt was the hardest thing to deal with, especially with all the negative comments people made about her divorce. Her presence at gatherings brought about mixed feelings, especially in the presence of other married

couples. The unwelcome aura that met her each time she tried to visit old friends was expected. What did it matter to Mandy now? One thing was for sure: she had learned something from that marriage and her life in general. Her marriage had been a journey filled with new experiences and old feelings.

Marilyn was leaving the school and returning to Canada. Mandy thought about Marilyn: a free soul who said a prayer whenever she felt like it and saw the good in people without questioning them. Mandy had met her for a reason, but before she could figure that out she had to acknowledge one thing: Marilyn had a big heart filled with love.

Chapter 25

2001

Finding a lawyer

Mandy crossed her legs nervously. Cautiously, she looked around at the other women sitting along the bench with her. The legal clinic had an outside lobby at the main entrance of the building and another where Mandy sat. The atmosphere in that room was difficult to describe but easier to sense. Confident, well-dressed secretaries and office clerks walked up and down the hall with files in their hands. All the women in the foyer waited with anticipation, shifting their bottoms from side to side due to the discomfort of the hard wooden benches. Mandy was there to sign her petition and according to her lawyer she would be in and out of that office in no time. Hope filled Mandys heart. She straightened her skirt out before crossing her legs yet again without realising how ill-informed she was. The bench was hard and uncomfortable. On the table were educational magazines on HIV and AIDS. Nervously, she took one, flicking through it without reading the details. Mandy couldnt help looking around her. Every now and again she scanned the room quickly before burying her face behind the magazine. Across from where she sat a woman sat chewing gum carelessly as though looking for a reaction from the people who sat next to her. The woman turned to one of the other women. Is this your first time here? she asked in a loud voice. With just a nod of the head, the woman also reached for a magazine, clearly trying to avoid further interrogations from other would-be clients. Curiosity gets the better of women, especially in a group situation. They are eager to know if anyone of the women sitting there had similar experiences or problems. Coming to the legal centre meant your marriage was over

whether you liked it or not, so just share your experience was their forceful stance. A short clerk with a beer belly and discoloured fingers from years of smoking handed out pieces of paper and asked them to write their names down. Beatrice! The loud woman who had been curiously asking questions shouted out her name. In a croaky voice, the clerk said, We all know who you are. Mandy briefly lifted her face from the magazine and unfortunately her eyes met with Beatrices. Is it your first time here as well? She stared at Mandy. Yes it is. Mandy replied with no enthusiasm just to put Beatrice off. How long were you married? she asked. Well, just over six years, Mandy answered. Beatrices attitude sent a cold chill down her spine; it would take courage to ignore her. She had bloodshot eyes, thick lips and scars all over her face. She smiled childishly, showing a set of discoloured teeth with the lower set missing a tooth or two. When Beatrice spoke, everyone in the room turned their heads. She was loud and provoked fear in the women sitting there, but maybe Mandy was the only one who felt like that. I was married for twenty years before my husband took on a second wife, she said in a loud voice. It didnt bother me at all when he asked me to leave the house. He had plenty of money to waste, most of it on prostitutes and never imagined that all that money would disappear one day. It would take a very brave man to kick a woman like Beatrice out of the house, Mandy thought. The sight of her would make you think twice. Mandy was amazed at how easily she spoke about her marriage to an audience of strangers. Whether they were attentive or not she still continued with her story. My husband was like a farmer who throws his tools and machinery away after a bumper harvest, foolishly assuming he didnt need them anymore. Beatrice spoke with confidence. The years she had spent in her marriage had taught her to be bold and

relentless. Her husband became rich overnight through wheeling and dealing and all he ever did was spend that money. Beatrice laughed aloud as she clapped her hands. Money can vanish just like that, she clicked her fingers in the air. Im fighting for my childrens welfare, but do you know what? Its been five years since I petitioned for a divorce. Mandy suddenly looked up when she heard Beatrice had been coming there for five years. You seem surprised, smart-dressed lady, she teased. You just wait and see: by the time your case has been dealt with, you will know everyones name in this room, including Beer Belly over there. Beatrice knew what she was talking about and was not moved by the miserable faces that were now looking at her. She was strong and not afraid of sharing. From the way she spoke it was clear her marriage had left her with deep scars that had reshaped her whole being. Beatrice unbuttoned the buttons on her blouse to reveal scar marks across her chest and breasts inflicted by years of abuse. Her husband used to tie her up to the end of the bed and then he would start kicking her in her private parts after a physical inspection. The details were horrific; Mandy stood up and walked to the metal gate at the entrance of the foyer. She didnt know what to think. Mandy didnt want any sympathy or her decision to be swayed because she had a choice to leave if she wanted. She began to pace up and down, unable to relax. Maybe her marriage wasnt so bad after all. She had never suffered any physical abuse nor was she subjected to physical inspection. How demeaning can that be? Sometimes she thought other peoples misery was a comfort to her, when in actual fact it was not. She was supposed to value herself as a person and would continue to do so regardless of what other people thought. She sat down and took a deep breath to calm herself down. The centre was funded by an international organisation to help women who did not have representation. Working women were asked to pay a small fee which was spread out over a period of time. When Mandy started to seek the help of a lawyer, many doors were closed in her face. Determined to find someone who could help her, she went from law firm to law firm. Most lawyers she met were asking too much in legal fees, while

others were just not interested in taking up divorce cases. It became her off working hours schedule going up and down stairs, in elevators and alleys looking for a suitable lawyer to represent her. During this time, she not only endured the hardship of finding representation, she also suffered the silent treatment from her friends and relatives. They distanced themselves from her and tried to avoid her, as it was not common for women to walk that path. Mandy had created a barrier between now and the life she had led before. She asked her friends for transport and to babysit the children, but as time went by she noticed she got more excuses than help. Vivian, her neighbour, was the only one who stuck by her side. She visited her every evening and asked her how she was getting on. She brought vegetables and fruit and took her to the market. At the weekend she took her shopping and had lunch with Mandy and her children. Vivian was not affected by what people said. She repeatedly encouraged Mandy to be strong and work hard for the sake of the children. One afternoon after knocking on several doors, Mandy gave up for the day. Her intention at that moment was to get a taxi and go home. But what was she going to do at home so early? Each time she came home, Winston asked her the same question. Did you find a lawyer to represent you? She decided to walk home; that way she would kill time. North Mead shopping complex had many shops and a large vegetable market with small florist stalls. She crossed the road and headed towards Lagos Road. Her aim was to buy fruit for the children, but she found herself walking in the opposite direction. Mandy crossed Rhodes Park and joined Addis Abba Road. That was probably the quickest route back. As she turned onto Lagos Road from the Great East Road, on the left hand side was a sign that said Advocates. Like she had done in the past few weeks, she walked into the yard. Hopefully by the time she finished it would be time to go home. The law firms she had visited had unfriendly and rude receptionists, Mandy thought as she walked up to the house. Frustrated, she was now considering a five-year option separation. After all, she was not in a hurry. Behind a small desk in the lobby a young male receptionist offered her a seat. Mandy sank into a

comfortable chair and was ready to go to sleep. The experience of being turned down was enough to put her in a bad mood. I assume you want to speak to a lawyer? the gentleman at the reception asked her. He wrote down Mandys name on a piece of paper then rose from his seat. This way maam. He led the way to an office right at the end of a short corridor. Lagos Road in North Mead had a good number of trees giving the houses enough shade from the scorching heat. Apart from the cool atmosphere in the house, it was quiet and clean. The sound from their heels along the passage was the only sound that echoed in the house. The receptionist left Mandy in a spacious office that was lined with tons of books, all neatly displayed on long shelves. Behind a large, well-polished wooden desk, a man introduced himself as Mr. Johnson. He sat in a leather high-backed chair that seemed too big for a man his size. Mr. Johnson did not appear to be Zambian, although clearly he was an African. He got up to shake Mandys hand warmly and motioned her to a chair. He had a big friendly smile on his face, a smile she had not seen in a long time. Mandy was reluctant to go over her story again, having done it so many times that day. Well, Im looking for a lawyer to help me with my divorce, she finally said. Mr. Johnson looked at her and asked her if she had any knowledge of how lawyers operated. Well, I guess, maybe just enough, Mandy replied in a wary voice. Johnson had seen many such cases before and could read Mandys mind even before she opened her mouth to speak. Very gently, he threw his pen on his desk and took off his glasses. He explained that lawyers are a little like doctors and have a field of specialisation, so not all lawyers can deal with divorce cases. For example, he was not specialised in that area and would be reluctant to take her case. When he had made all that very clear for Mandy, he reached into his desk drawer and took out a card that he gave to her. They will help you. It might take a long time, but the chances are it will be done.

Mandy left the room feeling satisfied with the reception and the help she had gotten from Mr. Johnson. He was the most helpful man she had dealt with in the past few weeks. It doesnt cost anything to be polite, she thought as she walked out into the scorching heat.

Deep in thought, Mandy did not realise she had been sitting in the lobby of the clinic for an hour and a half. She leaned back after putting down that not so informative booklet. Mrs. Mandy! a loud voice called. Mandy quickly got up and looked at Beatrice as if to say. It didnt take that long, for a first appointment. Mandy walked toward room 202 to meet her lawyer. The office was small and without much furniture. A few files lay on the table with paper clips to hold file names down. She squeezed herself into a chair, making it difficult for anyone else to enter the room as the chair was now blocking the doorway. Your marriage has broken down irretrievably? the lawyer asked, flicking through her file. She requested dates and supporting documents and advised her to think through items she had intentionally taken out of her petition, like maintenance and bills. It shouldnt take long as it is a consented divorce. Abruptly, she closed her file and asked Mandy to come back the following week at the same time. Mandy had so many unanswered questions, but the cue she was given told her the lawyer had other clients waiting to be attended to and she should leave. Zindiwe, her lawyer, was in her twenties, young but pleasant enough. She had just graduated from law school and was as nervous as Mandy was. Anxious that a young lady like her was taking her case, Mandy walked out of her office with her fingers crossed. It was not about having faith in her ability, but the worry of how Zindiwe would confront that male dominated profession and all the problems that went with that. But at the moment she had to go with what had been offered to her and prayed everything went well. Leaving the small office, she walked by the lobby as Beatrice shouted, I'll see you next week! Forcing a smile, Mandy raised her hand and walked out through the gate. How was she going to fit these long

hours on the bench into her daily schedule? Mandy couldnt take time off school; she had had to sacrifice her Friday afternoon to go to the legal clinic. Having not had any experience in dealing with legal matters, she found the process intimidating. The intricate legal system made inexperienced women. Could it be the did not want to take that avenue? Or making it deliberately difficult for it arduous for reason her friends was the system women?

Mandy continued to go to her lawyer, and each time met up with Beatrice. Together they sat on the small wooden bench waiting for their turn. Going to the legal clinic was like going to see a doctor, only this time, each visit yielded very little in terms of results. When she was not able to go due to pressure at work, that was a setback; it was like missing a whole month. The week she eventually turned up was the week she was supposed to appear before the judge. There was no system of notifying clients, and the process was slow, humiliating and frustrating. Trying to reason with Beer Belly, the office manager, was like knocking your head on a wall. We are not here to phone people, he said, blowing smoke in the air. Thats why you find women sitting around, because you just dont know when your lawyer secures a date for you, he said with no sympathy. Beatrice became her inspiration: if she could endure for so many years, what was six months? Mandy thought as she sat down next to Beatrice. I am a very patient person, Beatrice said to Mandy with a smile. When my husband asked me to leave the house, I said fine. Because I knew I was going to make him and his girlfriends lives miserable just to get what I want for my children. Beatrice was just warming up for another story. Beatrice had left her matrimonial house without a fight, but each day she returned to cause havoc. She deflated the car tires and broke the windscreen. As she had keys to the house, she came and went as she pleased. When she felt like it, she took her clothes off and walked around the house naked, to the disgust of her husbands new partner. Mandy could clearly see it had been difficult for her to accept the change and she kept fighting back in unrealistic ways. For Beatrice, that

gave her satisfaction and a feeling of not being defeated. Apart from discussing her troubles, Beatrice had a soft side to her. She was a member of a charity organisation that helped children in orphanages. Mandy could not imagine her singing and dancing. But all her rough edges seemed to fall off as she adorned herself with the spiritual aura. Beatrice had made a name for herself in that organisation, proudly showing Mandy pictures of herself dressed in a church uniform dancing with a group of children. Mandy wondered why men turned some women into animals. She would never have imagined herself sitting on that wooden bench with Beatrice a few years ago. Nor did she ever think she would one day divorce her husband. There were lessons that she learnt even from a person like Beatrice. Sometimes life gives you signs and you just dont see it because you choose to see differently, Beatrice said to her once. I knew something was not right but chose not to listen, she said, wiping tears from her eyes. It was difficult for Mandy to see that side of Beatrice; she had to remind herself Beatrice was human. My husband changed overnight, I couldnt connect to him and all the signs were there but I kept telling myself it was just a phase in his life. Beatrice wiped more tears from her eyes. At home, Mandy lay awake thinking about Beatrice and how she could help her. She had to find a way for her to find peace in order to move on.

Chapter 26

2002

Mandy meets Steve

It was the beginning of the school year. Mandy stood by her classroom door to meet her new students. It was one of the most demanding days in her teaching year. Crying and holding on to their parents, the students were dropped off one by one. Having worked in that area of the school for many years, Mandy knew exactly how to turn those tears into laughter. With the help of her class assistant she showed the children the large colourful books on the bookshelf and toys that were invitingly displayed. From the corner of her eye she could see a parent standing by her table trying to get her attention. He couldnt have been standing there for a long time because she had just moved away from her table a few minutes ago. Mandy approached him and politely he introduced himself. Steve was a new teacher at the school. He had a distinct British accent and spoke well. Tall, fit and with a clean shave, he was eager to get away. His eyes seemed distant as he scanned the classroom. The soft colour of his hair matched his appearance. Wearing a light blue long sleeved shirt with dark blue Dockers trousers, Mandy felt like a dwarf standing next to him. Steves daughter Susan had curly brown hair with a dark skin. Although she was four years old, she looked tall for her age. Glancing at his watch, he bent over to kiss Susan. He quickly explained he would not be able to pick Susan up after school, as he was teaching at that time. He had made other arrangements for her to be picked up by his housemaid. Steve grabbed a small piece of paper from Mandys desk without asking and, reaching for his glasses, he wrote the maids number on it. Placing the pen back in the pencil holder on Mandys desk, he went out through the door in a hurry.

Susan was timid and afraid, rolling her curly brown uncombed hair with one finger while her other little hand held firmly onto Mandys hand. Strange how some people seemed so transparent, she thought as she walked Susan to a table with puzzles. Mandy found it challenging when she had teachers children in her class, but it couldnt be avoided at times. Each morning the teachers were expected to go for a briefing before classes commenced. Being the first day of school, Mandy sent her apologies as she couldnt leave all the new toddlers with Marjory; that would only increase their anxiety. At the briefing that morning they introduced all the new teachers and each one was given a chance to say something about themselves, according to Mandys friend Aisha, who had attended. She popped in that morning to see how Mandy was getting on. The day did not go as bad as she expected; the children seemed to adjust quickly to the environment and in no time were out playing on the swings and in the sandpit.

The weeks that followed were both enjoyable and settling for Mandy. She was now feeling more and more as though she was steadily picking up the pieces. When she knocked off, she went straight home to see the children, and together they watched television in her bedroom. Mandys calm was beginning to return and her anxiety was slowly disappearing. Trying very hard not to dwell on her misery, she went shopping and made short visits to some old friends that were still single. A new academic year was marked with many social events organised by management, done to welcome new and returning teachers. In the past Mandy did not participate in all these functions, but this time, she accepted an invitation to a house party that was organised by a few new teachers. Going to a party would not be a bad idea she thought; she had always wanted to socialise with her workmates but just never got the opportunity. When Steve dropped Susan off that morning, he briefly made a mention of the party and encouraged Mandy to attend. He had obviously noticed she didnt attend the welcome party for the new teachers and a barbeque that was hosted for the new parents. Well, I might, if I find a baby sitter, Mandy said. She had her doubts about going out. Worried and

conscious about her ongoing divorce, she did want to be misunderstood. Mandy arrived at the party and was greeted by Helen, the school music teacher. She looked around and noticed most of her friends had not gone to the party as planned, leaving her with just a few familiar faces. Helens partner Sam joined Mandy and Helen in the front garden near the barbeque stand that had long sausages sizzling away. In the corner of the small yard was a shisha pipe and a table with finger snacks. There were four houses in the compound and each had a garden space big enough for a small family. At the back of the houses was a metal gate that gave them access to the school swimming pool, tennis and basketball courts. It wasnt a bad arrangement for couples with young children, as it was a stones throw away from school. Shivering, Mandy and Helen pulled their chairs closer to the barbeque stand to get warm. It turned out to be a very cold evening. Not knowing most of the new teachers, Helen told her their names and the classes they taught. Sam walked over to the hookah and called to Mandy and Helen to join him. Do you want to try the hubbly bubbly? Helen asked Mandy. Thats what I call it because of the bubbly water in the bottle, Helen said. It had many names, Sam explained: hookah, narghile, and sheesha, even hubbly bubbly. Originating in India, it had gained popularity in the Middle East, mainly Turkey and Iran, Sam went on. Standing close to the pipe was Steve chatting to Carol the French teacher. He smiled as Mandy and Helen approached the small table. Hello Ms. Mandy, didnt realise you were here. Have you had a drink? Steve put his glass down. What would you like to drink? He smiled. Steve appeared with two drinks, lemonade for Mandy and ginger ale for Helen. Have you tried smoking the pipe? she asked Steve. I saw many in the Middle East but never got the chance to try it, Steve said, kneeling down next to Sam. Curious, Mandy asked what was in the water. Pointing to a green bottle, Steve explained how the water heated the tobacco.

Mandy put her lips to the lip of the pipe and drew the aromatic smoke. As they walked back to their chairs to warm up by the fire, Mandy didnt think it was anything special, although her front chakra felt heavy. When Mandy got home after the party, Steve called her just to see if she had got home safely. I enjoyed the party very much, she said. Funny enough, me too, he said. As she brushed her teeth, she thought of how easy it was to talk to him. They talked about school, culture differences and a television program they had watched recently. Although not talkative by nature, Steve had tried to make her feel relaxed at the party. When the guests had started to leave, Mandy, Sam and Steve offered to help clear up the bottles and paper plates. The other organizers piled the plastic chairs and table to one side of the wall fence and put the remaining food away. Steve was married with two children. He had moved to Africa as a young man after completing his teaching course. His first experience outside the United Kingdom was Zimbabwe. With an economy that surpassed many other African countries at the time, it was lucrative for some local and expatriate people working in that country. His first job was in a government school that did not pay that well but the currencys strength was enough to lead a comfortable life. Steve could not have imagined himself married and living in Africa at the time; his aim was to gain some teaching experience then go back to England. Steve fell in love with Africa and eventually moved to Tanzania for a better paying job. He became acclimatised to the people and the culture, and he married and started a family. His time in Zimbabwe brought him closer to the native people who became his friends and workmates. Steve learned the social norms and the undaunted sense of humour. He became a part of the culture. Steve was everything but rich. He drove an old battered four-wheel drive that blew smoke along the way. He worked hard and travelled to many parts of Africa. He enjoyed bird watching and water rafting along the Zambezi. Coming to Zambia brought him closer to Zimbabwe, a country that held many good memories.

When Steve joined the school, his wife had stayed back to sort out family matters and would soon be joining him. Mandy watched every expression on his face as he narrated all that to her and it made her think about her own situation. Living with two young children was not an easy task. Mandy could see Steve was eager for his wife to join him. Mandy had been busy at work and had not been to meet with her lawyer for a month. But nevertheless that thought lingered at the back of her mind like a dark cloud. Ive got to find time to see Zindiwe this week. Maybe I could call the legal clinic and make an appointment. She reached into her handbag and managed to fish out the small business card. Nervously, she called the number. Hello this is Mandy; could I please speak to Zindiwe? The sound coming from the other end of the line was as though the woman who had answered was chewing something. Sorry, lawyers do not take calls from the reception, the lady said in between munches. Mandy looked at her watch. It was lunchtime; shouldnt these women be given time off to eat? Eating and attending to incoming calls was unprofessional. If you dont have her personal number, you just have to come to the clinic to see her. The line went dead. The rude and impersonal tone in the womans voice made Mandy wonder if that woman was also going through a divorce. It happened all the time. Rarely did she find women who were pleasant over the phone, especially in government offices. Mandy guessed she had been unfortunate in that area. Walking slowly back to her class, she carefully put the card back into her handbag. We need a woman president, Mandy said out loud, throwing her hands in the air.

Like Beatrice had predicted, they eventually became friends. They met every week and got accustomed to sitting on the bench where time did not exist for them. The more they looked at the clock on the wall, the more time it took. Mandy saw women come and women go. Others could not keep up with the challenge and just didnt return at all. Others came when they were desperately in need of a lawyer but could not afford the cost of transport so they gave up and went back to their

miserable lives because the hope of getting out of their marriage was crushed by the extra cost. After each visit, Mandy left the bench with a sore bottom from the sharp edges digging into her flesh. And each time it was the same old story: come back next week. There were days when the lawyers were not in the office but they were asked to wait nevertheless. Other times the lawyer would leave through the back door just to avoid them. Something was terribly wrong with the system, Mandy thought to herself as she got into her car after another wasted afternoon.

Mandy was getting ready to go to the end of term Christmas party at the Ridgway hotel. Looking through her wardrobe, she pulled out one of her old dresses. She had not worn it in a long time; it was surprising she could fit into it. Mandy had lost weight without realising it; the loss of appetite and the stress she endured was now evident. Im going to look after myself. My health comes first, she assured herself. Mandy joined Steve, Helen and Sam at a table when she arrived at the party. The ballroom was decorated with red and green helium balloons attached to tinsel. Chatting, they opened their presents from their secret Santas. After an enjoyable meal, Mandy and Steve joined the other teachers on the dance floor. Christmas parties were about the only event she had been allowed to attend while she was still married, and she did not understand why Winston had permitted it. Mandy leaned over to Steve and asked if was going anywhere over the Christmas break. Steve moved to an empty chair next to Mandy as the music got louder. Moving here was expensive. We might just stay at home this Christmas. It might be a good idea for the children as they are still settling down. Steve raised his voice to speak over the loud noise. Are you planning on going anywhere? No, I still have a lot to sort out, Mandy said. Im going to take the children to the crocodile farm. I could take Mwisho and Susan if you like. They would love that. you are ready. Let me know the details when

After the party, Helen, Steve, Sam and Mandy shared a taxi home, singing songs from the sixties. Mandy enjoyed their company. It felt good and relaxing.

Steve, Mandy and the four children went to the crocodile farm later that week, and on the way back they stopped for ice cream at a kiosk by a petrol station. Steve offered to take the four children to a school fair that Saturday while Mandy stayed at home cleaning. When he dropped them off, Mandy invited him in for a cup of coffee. Having managed to borrow a few chairs from her boss, the living room seemed more homey and comfortable. She had covered the large living room windows with simple curtains and a few cushions were scattered on the floor for the children. As soon as the children came back home they ran out into the back yard. Mandy made two cups of coffee and she and Steve sat in the sitting room. Steve suggested they go out for a meal in the evening. Sounds good, Mandy said, knowing it would not be a problem leaving the children with her cousin Mwape. They arranged to meet at the local Arabian restaurant.

The restaurant had small lounges with an inside bar in each. Small tables and chairs were arranged in a semi-circle outside a small arena with a dance floor. Loud music coming from the outside bar could be heard clearly inside, making you wonder why they even bothered having a lounge. The cost of sitting in that small room came at a price: it cost twice as much for a drink inside than it did outside. The ambiance inside was better, although Steve kept knocking his knees underneath the small table; his legs were too long for a table that size. Would you like to eat Mandy? he asked. Mandy had just finished scanning through the menu and settled for a chicken salad. There was so much distraction around them she had to concentrate and listen carefully each time Steve spoke. Behind the bar the barman was listening to the news on television and kept putting the noise up. A group

nearby was arguing at the top of their voices as they cheered friends along on the dance floor outside. I hate it when there is a television in a bar. If you want to watch television, stay at home, Steve grumbled. Well I think it might be a cultural thing, Mandy said. She suggested they move to the dining area, inside the main building; clearly they were in the wrong place. They called a waiter and asked for a table. Carefully, they made their way up the narrow staircase to the upper floor. It was nice and quiet with two other couples seated at one end of the room. The fact that Steve was married made it easier for Mandy; she was happy to have a workmate she could talk to. Having children that were about the same age gave them something to talk about. They met often and did many things together, but Mandy did not discuss her private life with him and he kept his to himself. There were things he did not want to talk about and detail in his life that he omitted. Nevertheless, the comfort they enjoyed in each others company was all they needed at the moment. I think you are doing a good job with the children, Mandy said in a cheery voice, just to encourage him. I hope so. I know they miss their mother very much, Steve said, pouring a drink for Mandy. There was something Steve was not telling her; this man must be missing his wife, Mandy thought with a smile. She understood the challenges and knew exactly what he was going through. Steve walked Mandy home, as she lived just round the corner from the restaurant. The light from the moon was so bright they could see the trees and grass. Steve held her hand and slowly pulled her toward him. Gently, he kissed her on the forehead. I hope I can spend some more time with you, I enjoyed your company very much. The warm feeling of being so close to him was mesmerising. Mandy could hardly speak, so she just nodded her head.

Mandy was cautious about developing a relationship with Steve. All kinds of thoughts went through her mind

that evening. From the time she had started seeing Steve she seemed in high spirits. Christie and Kasoma were always happy to see Mwisho and Susan when they came round to the house. The closer they got, the more difficult it would be for all of them later. What was she looking for in a relationship like that one? That was a friendly kiss on the forehead. She smiled to herself. No big deal. That weekend they had planned to take the children to a water park. As usual, Mandy had forgotten to buy the cheese and bread for their picnic. Mandy, life has to go on. Just like you have been holding up at school, you need to do the same for the children. Im not blaming you for everything thats happening, but just think about it, Steve told her. Steve was always very calm and preferred to deal with problems there and then. Im sorry, it just slipped my mind. Well buy something when we get there. She had let him down and he had the right to feel that way. Cultural difference played a big role in their relationship. He was brought up to express himself when he was not happy. Mandy was still in her old ways of thinking and didnt take things as seriously as Steve did. Her new challenge was to meet Steve halfway. Mandy had just introduced Steve to her family and that summer she was going to England to meet his parents.

Just as they sat down for the picnic, Mandys cell phone rang. She was reluctant to answer the phone as she had promised Steve she would not take any calls. He said, Look, just answer it, otherwise you will not relax. Switch it off after this call. Feeling guilty, she answered her phone. Mandy they are asking for you, it must be important, Beatrice was panting on the other side of the phone. Judging from her voice, she must have run a mile to get to a phone. Mandy thanked her and said, Ive got to go Steve. If I miss this chance, Ill never get my divorce. Mandy grabbed her car keys and handbag and dashed off. Before she got to the car, she ran back to tell Steve to drop the kids off in case she was late. In the car park, people stared at her in amazement as she put her skirt on and then quickly pulled a T Shirt

from the boot and put that over her swimming costume. Mandy threw the sarong she was wearing over her swimsuit on the back seat. Hastily, she started the car and drove off. Mandy had not been in high spirits lately; the divorce was now weighing her down. She was using every emotion left in her in her body to push herself forward. At home she allowed herself to feel disappointed and stayed with that feeling until it slowly disappeared. This might just turn things around.

Mandy reached the foyer out of breath as though she had run the whole way and not sure how the others would look at her dressed as she was. Beatrice was on the bench. I told you I was smart, she said, proud that she had used her initiative to call Mandy. Two hours later, Mandy was still waiting for her name to be called. Tapping her foot, she crossed her legs on and off.

Clients whose court dates had been set were placed in a certain order. Slowly, they went through the list. If the person was not available, the file was placed at the bottom of the pile. When everyone had been called, they would call the names at the bottom of the pile before they called it a day. It had better be a fruitful trip, Mandy said to Beatrice. She had left the picnic is such a hurry. The suspense was killing her. She looked at the pile of old torn magazines that lay on a small table next to her with a heading that, read Say NO to unprotected sex. It made think about her friend Rachel, briefly she closed her eye and turned to look the other way. There were so many magazines, billboards, wall writings that are dotted around the city about this grave subject. And still questions remain unanswered.

Rachel occasionally joined the group at the round table for a quick early evening drink. Having been diagnosed with diabetes her intake was supposed to be limited but, when cajoled by the other three ladies, she could usually be persuaded to stay a bit longer and drink more than she should. The following day Rachel would call Mandy, Joyce and Marjory to her class for a meeting and

berate them for this behaviour as she had spent a day suffering from the after effects. Nobody could insult in the vernacular language like Rachel and she would hurl abuse until all three of them had tears of laughter rolling down their cheeks. Rachel was full of life and joked all the time and thus none of her friends took her illness seriously. Mandy went to the round table when she felt like and Steve would pick her up later. Rachel, Joyce and Mandy now met up once a month for a drink. It was at one of these meetings that Rachel opened up to the group.

Rachel and her husband ran a series of wholesale shops in Lusaka and at the main one was a strong room where all the cash and receipts were kept. It was kept locked by a heavy wooden door and three large locks. The only people allowed access to it were just her husband and her. Business was good: sometimes money had to be taken from the strong room and deposited in the bank four times at the weekend. Rachel told them. Apart from working full time at the school Rachel spent her Saturdays at the shop. Mandy questioned this many times. Why are you doing this to yourself? You need to spend time with the children and just to give yourself a break. Mandy said. I know, but right now, I live for my children, if anything happened to me I would like them to have enough money to see them through college. My earnings go into the childrens trust fund. Rachel smiled. She then went on to narrate how after one of these trips to the bank Rachel returned to the strong room to find an unauthorised employee in the back room. She was a trusted saleslady who had worked for them for a number of years and was now lying on the table whilst Rachels husband had his trousers round his ankles. The saleslady tried to get up as Rachel walked in on them but was roughly pushed back down on the table. Her husband of twelve years, with whom she had had three children, simply turned and said, Get out and close the door. There was no way he was going to stop until he was done. Rachel could not however leave the small room: she just slowly backed into a corner and felt compelled to observe the scene unfolding in front of her even though it filled her with horror and disgust. Her legs simply did not have the strength to take her out of that windowless room.

Mandy, Joyce and Marjory sat there as Rachel narrated the details not knowing what to say. She wiped a tear then laughed. This round table has heard more than my own mother has heard from me, she joked. The annoying thing was her husband refused a divorce: it would lead to too many questions being asked by his relatives and lower his standing in the business community. Despite everything that had happened he still insisted on having sex with his wife. She tried moving to a separate room in their house but he simply broke the lock. She left to stay with her mother but he pursued her and caused so much trouble she felt compelled to return. She certainly didnt want to cause problems for her parent or other relatives. There was nowhere she could go and she finally turned up at the police station and reported her husband had used his strength to get his way with her. The officers had a good laugh and told her to go away and not repeat such nonsense. How can your own husband be guilty of mistreating you? they teased

Rachel paused for a moment and there was a moment of silence from the others. She then looked at them all in turn and asked the question. Do you know what it is like to be raped every other night, knowing there is nothing you can do about it?

AIDS is a strange illness as it affects different people in different ways. Mandy knew a couple of women who had numerous sexual partners over many years but still kept going while the men they knew dropped around them. Moreover it is not only the poorer women who fall into this unfortunate category.

And indeed, Rachel did not belong in this group. Once it became clear she had the virus her demise was rapid and within months Mandy, Joyce, Rick, Madu and Marjory were attending her funeral. Holding flowers they sang the hymn Nearer my God to Thee. As the coffin was being taken out she felt sick at the sight of her husband crying crocodile tears. Cause of death was officially heart failure brought on by her known condition of diabetes. His position intact he would

no doubt would go on to cause the deaths of other innocent women. Mandy just wished that she could hear Rachels curses once more.

Mandy and her friends rarely wanted to talk about Rachel when they went to the round table. They all felt it was time for them to change the venue; that concrete table held too many memories and unspoken secrets. Mandy looked at the women and said No, we are not going to change the venue because this table stands for what Rachel stood for, strong and unshaken even in her illness. This concrete table is a symbol of strength for other innocent women with untold stories. Mandy got up, holding back tears; she walked towards Steve who was parked in the car park waiting for her with tears in her eyes.

A year later, Steve and Mandy received an invitation to Rachels husbands wedding. Mandy threw the invitation on the dining room table without a word. Steve seemed oblivious of the whole situation and gently assured Mandy it was difficult but life has to go on. He reversed the car into the driveway then drove out to join the short street they now lived on. Look I might sound a bit racist here but in Africa people dont seem to accept natural causes, Rachel had diabetes, and she suffered for many years without a proper diet and proper medication. In my opinion her family didnt seem to accept it as well and that is why they took her to visit traditional doctors. He explained. Steve gave Mandy that look. Mandy instantly rolled her eyes in anger. Yes Steve I know that look, shit happens. She turned to look at the houses and trees whizzing by along Independence Avenue as they drove toward the city centre. Without turning to look at Steve, Mandy said, What you do not seem to know is Rachel died of Aids. Can you still look at me and say shit happens? His wife died of Aids Mandy repeated, choking and consumed with grief she was determine to make him understand the truth of the matter. And do you know what? She was an innocent woman born into a society where women are brought up to serve men. Yes shit happens.

AIDS lingers uneasily at the back of many womens minds whenever they are in any kind of relationship. The fortunate ones have the luxury of worrying since they know their behavior can affect the chances of contracting the deadly disease. Others dont worry because there is simply no point. Whether or not they contract it is a matter out of their hands and they simply have to rely on fate. The only action might be an extra prayer for them and their children when they go to church on Sunday.

Beer bellys husky voice filled the small room again; dragging his feet he walked to a nearby window where he stood waiting to announce the next name on his list.

Beatrice was called in first and came out with a date and a time. Mandy was so nervous it was like waiting for a sentence to be handed down. Ms. Mandy. Beer Bellys croaky voice called her name across the hall. Her hands were shaking and she didnt pay attention to what he was saying. You are supposed to be here checking all the time. I thought I told you this the last time you were here, he shouted after her. Mandy ignored him, she reached for the torn Aids magazine and flipped it over concealing the heading; she stood up and walked away. What is the use of having these magazines when no one seem to want to look at the truth of the matter? A change in tradition might be a starting point. She thought angrily. Mandy finally got her court date. She could not believe such a simple process had taken her five long years. But it had taken Beatrice much longer. Mandy got to the car only to find her sarong and the clothes had been stolen. Anyway, she had lost something but gained another. It was not until seven that evening when she finally got home. Steve had taken the four children to a small caf for hot dogs, and then they stopped over at his place for some ice cream to give Mandy enough time to get home. Unfortunately, when Steve brought the children home, Mandy had still not arrived. She had promised to meet up with them as soon as she finished at the clinic, but that of course did not happen. Mandy felt guilty about leaving him with the four

children. Hopefully Steve would understand her situation later. Kasoma and Cristobel stretched their arms out to be lifted. She lifted both with difficulty then threw them on her bed. Jumping up and down on the bed, Mandy tore open the envelope Steve had left on her dressing table. Oh I should have called him to tell him the good news, Mandy thought, smiling.

Dear Mandy, I came to see you this morning before school but you were not there. These days I have been hurting very much inside and thinking a lot about our relationship. I know you are not happy with your lawyer and busy with work but does that justify you hurting and upsetting me? I dont think any condition justifies that. It seems that these days I am the one asking to see you. I can hardly remember the last time you said to me lets go somewhere. If I suggest we meet at 10 a.m., you say 11.00 a.m. Then I discovered this weekend that you only intended to spend two weeks with me in the summer and I am not the first to know about that. I am always the one making suggestions that we meet. Sometimes you agree sometimes you dont. Are you trying to tell me something? I am not counting, but if one person in a relationship is making all the suggestions and the other isnt, it becomes quite disheartening. I do not even want to go into what happened this afternoon. Im sorry Mandy. I have to break off this relationship. Love Steve Mandy threw the letter on the bed after reading it several times. She sat there wondering what to do next. Every day she drove by Steves place before going home. He brought her flowers and chocolates on special occasions and went shopping when she was tired. Mandy wiped her tears from her eyes as all these things came back to her. Steve and Mandys relationship had grown over time and both had agreed on the prospect of introducing Mandy to his family. They made arrangements to visit England when school closed. The plan was for Steve to leave as soon as they broke off and Mandy would join him later. Both were looking forward to this visit and had spent evenings chatting about the kinds of things they would do in Newcastle. He wanted to show her the Abbey where he had sung as a choirboy and where his brother and two sisters had been married. The prospect of

long evenings when they would drive out into the Northumbrian countryside and sit in the gardens of country pubs was something Mandy was particularly looking forward to. Mandy should have been more open with Steve. After discovering that his wife was not going to join him, Steve had confessed to Mandy about all the problems they had been having. Steve and his wife had lived apart for six years and this time it was clear their marriage was over. He did not want to tell Mandy this right from the beginning because he didnt want to hurt her in case things turned out differently. Steve and his wife had started the divorce proceeding before Steve left Tanzania, that being one of the reasons he left Malawi to work in Zambia. They sat outside on the patio of his house a few weeks after the parents evening while he narrated all that to her. Mandy had become very close to Steve; he was the only friend she could talk to. She could still recall that evening when they both agreed to take their relationship to the next level. Although they were both busy at work, they made time for each other. They played tennis and went swimming. They cooked and had house parties. On Saturdays he brought her breakfast in bed. Mandy spent valuable time with Steve. The divorce process was putting a strain on their relationship. Mandy had no idea when she was required to be at the legal clinic. She missed appointments and did not turn up when she was supposed to meet Steve. As for Steve, he came home several times to see how the children were getting on when Mandy went to the legal clinic. There was no way she could go all the way to England without going to Sweden to see her daughter. Mandy should have discussed this with Steve before discussing it with her sister. Steve had every reason to be upset, because he had no idea what Mandy was planning to do or what she was going through. She kept everything to herself. As much as she had feelings for Steve, Mandy was not looking for sympathy or financial help. If Steve wanted the relationship to end, Mandy would respect that.

Earlier she had spoken to her daughter about their plan to go to England for the summer. Mandy told Sasha that she would only spend two weeks in England, as she wanted to spend a few weeks in Sweden as well. She had not discussed her plans with Steve before he overheard her on the phone. What could she say? Mandy had not

involved Steve in her life fully. He didnt understand why Mandy was neglecting their relationship. Mandy could not sleep. She kept thinking about Steve and how good he had been to her and the children. Dear God, what have I done? she thought. Mandy always felt guilty about leaving Winston and the children, even though she did not express her thoughts to anyone. These feeling were now coupled up with losing Steve.

Mandy could hear the house phone ringing as she struggled to open her front door. The padlock and chain entwined between the grill bars was proving too difficult to sidestep. Getting in and out of the house had now become a chore, all in the name of security. Longacres residential housing was strategically situated. It was close enough to her work place and not far from the city centre. Apprehensive about living alone with two young children, Mandy secured the doors before going to bed and each time she left the house. As cousin Mwape had left to visit her ill father, Mandy would not have the tedious job of locking up the house when she returned. She couldnt wait for her to come back. Mandy threw the receiver back into its cradle realising she had missed the call. She pressed the received call button and saw a Swedish phone number. Ingrid, she thought, putting the large bunch of keys down on the table next to the phone. She changed into comfortable clothes then picked up a few of her clothes that were lying around on the bedroom floor. Mandy had always been a tidy person. She had too much on her mind and that had in turn left her in disarray. Mandy sat down at the dining table and called her sister using her mobile phone. It was kind of Gloria to look after her children. At the end of each school day, Mandy drove the kids to Glorias house then went back to school for extracurricular activities and faculty meetings. Gloria lived a street away from Mandy and was happy to bathe the children then walk them home in time for dinner. Although she had three children of her own, she was fortunate to have a good maid who took good care of all the children.

Sasha was coming to visit Mandy for the third time since she had left Sweden. In the past, her visits back to Africa had not been successful. She longed to be back with her friends and saw Mandy as a stranger. This time it was different; she was coming back to meet her father. Last time they spoke on the phone, Mandy was jolted to hear her mission. She had never once mentioned her father nor asked about him. Obviously, Sasha was at an age where looking for answers was inevitable in order to understand herself better, one thing Mandy had not been able to do at that age. Sasha was now fourteen years old.

Mandy had no knowledge of Gilberts whereabouts and for the past few weeks she had tried to locate him, having only the name of the town in which he lived. Mandy decided to talk to her neighbour, knowing she had children in boarding school near to that town. Mandys neighbour Maureen had grown up in that area and her parents and brother had established businesses in the town of Siavonga. Its not a big town, and if anything, people know each other, Maureen said. I left after I finished school but still know most of the prominent people. That name doesnt sound familiar Gilbert Mwiya. At least that is a start, Mandy thought. She promised Mandy that she would get as much information as she could next time she travelled to Siavonga. Mandy stood by the mulberry trees that divided the two yards as Maureen worked in her vegetable patch. The cabbages, carrots, leeks, lettuce and green peas looked like a painting on the dark loamy soil background. Her neighbour had started an organic garden after attending a course in the agriculture show grounds that was organised by the cooperative society. Her passion for gardening was evident. A pity she didnt have time herself. It would be good to grow her own vegetables instead of buying them from the market. As promised, Maureen came to see Mandy a week later with a small piece of paper that had two phone numbers written on it. Surprised at how quickly she had managed to find Gilbert, Mandy was curious to know all the details.

Like I said earlier, its a small town. Gilbert is still working for the government and there are only two agriculture offices, she said, smiling. How did you get the phone number? Mandy asked. I just drove to their offices and asked for the phone numbers. The numbers they had in the directory had all changed or were not working, Maureen said. The first number is for the horticulture department and the other is for animal husbandry. She pointed the numbers out for Mandy.

Government offices were at times the most challenging places to call. It was either the number was not working or no one answered the phone. When Maureen left, Mandy picked up the phone and dialed the second number. Hello, Ministry of Agriculture, Siavonga, how can I help you? Was it that easy to find Gilbert? She waited anxiously. Flashbacks of her time in Mpika produced a tight knot in her stomach, her heart racing as she gripped tightly to the receiver. Gilbert came on the line and the ill feeling disappeared without her knowing. Mandy was not the same girl Gilbert knew many years ago; she was a grown woman who now had a family of her own, that inner voice reminded her clearly. Good to hear from you after so many years, he said. His voice was husky but full of life. Mandy was not going to waste time chit-chatting: she went straight to the point. Sasha is coming to visit and shes looking forward to meeting you, she said. Mandy did know why her daughter was eager to meet her father. He had not taken any time to get in contact with her, but nevertheless she felt she had to do it for her daughter. Mandy was going to be honest about her past, just as Sasha was keen to know who her father was. Gilbert seemed excited about the prospect of meeting his daughter and said he would arrange to pick her up when she arrived. Surprised at his reaction, Mandy was not keen about it at all. Mandys sister worked in that part of the country often. She was setting up a new Barclays branch in the area and so Mandys suggestion was that Sasha travel to Siavonga with her sister instead.

Mandys new house had neither grass nor flowers. In the middle of the yard was an old unused swimming pool that had stagnant water and rubbish thrown inside. The sliding door that led to that hazard was kept locked at all times and her kids were not allowed to play in the garden. She had recently contracted people to fill it in before any of her kids fell into it.

Mandy was looking forward to her daughters visit. Sasha was young when she last came to see her, and her hope was they could now sit and talk. Mandy had many things she wanted to share with her daughter and hopefully convince her to come back to Africa. Mandy put her cup of tea on the table next to the phone; she dialed Ingrids number, wondering what her reaction would be that she had found Gilbert. Hey, tried to call you earlier but I not at home, Ingrid said cheerfully. Let back, she said. Ingrid knew how expensive calls were in Africa and would rather bear think you were me call you international the cost.

Mandy stood by the phone waiting for it to ring, still wondering how things would turn out between Sasha and her father. When she spoke to Ingrid that day she told her that she had spoken to Gilbert and they had made arrangements for Sasha to travel down to Siavonga to meet him. Ingrid did not seem surprised at the news and felt that was the way it should be. Mandy hung up and went outside. She opened the gate then walked back into the house. Gloria promised to drop the children off soon it would save her a trip to the gate later. Mandy and Jolly drove to the airport early that morning. Sasha had taken the late flight from London. They arrived at the airport at 06:00 just as the passengers filed out of the arrival gate. Lusaka airport is small and had just one entry to the check in counters and one exit. You had to be daydreaming to miss anyone coming through if you were in time. On busy days the airport had about four fights arriving. Sasha walked through the arrival gate smiling; she could see Mandy and Jolly waving to her in the middle of a large group of people. It was difficult to find a space to stand as everyone was pushing forward to get a glimpse of their friends and relatives arriving. Sasha pushed through the crowd with her luggage and gave Mandy and Jolly a hug. Im so tired. Didnt get any sleep on the plane, she said in a strong Swedish accent.

Sasha had grown into a tall pretty girl and looked so much more like Mandy than she did before. It didnt surprise Mandy when she told her the relationship between Magnus, the young boy at the Montessori school, and Sasha

had continued. Sasha was hoping that next time she travelled she would bring him along. Mandy thought back at to the time his grandfather brought him home to play with Sasha and Ingrids daughter Tally. Jolly took one bag off her and Mandy took the suitcase. What always surprised Mandy was the good relationship Sasha shared with her sister Jolly. Even after spending years away from home, the bond was there. As a young child, Sasha had travelled to the city with Kobe and spent weeks with Jolly. When they returned to Mpika, Sasha would say, Want Aunt Jolly. That bond had not been severed. Aunt Jolly was the first person Sasha asked about when she called. As for Jolly, she couldnt wait to see Sasha again.

Mandy would have to tell her daughter about the divorce and her relationship with Steve. She didnt think she was doing anything wrong, although at times it felt strange. She was slowly getting used to her new life. Your aunt is a busy woman, Sasha, but she wouldnt miss the prospect of picking you up, Mandy said as she put her luggage in the car. It was a short holiday and Sashas aim was to do as much as possible, but things do not work like that in Africa. She spent three days trying to get her visa stamped in her passport even though her mother was Zambian. The shortage of fuel couldnt have come at a worse time; Rita spent a full day queuing up for petrol. Would she make it to Siavonga and back on a full tank? Mandy went out to buy a jerry can of petrol, but when she got to the petrol station after spending another day in the queue she was told they were not selling petrol in containers, so she left the filling station with the half a tank that was permitted. It was not until the following week that they set off for Siavonga. After a few hours drive, luckily they reached their destination without a hitch. Arriving about mid-day, they stood anxiously by the bank entrance for Gilbert as arranged. Gilbert was now much older and looked tired. He stretched out his hand and greeted his daughter very warmly. A short while later, Rita was left on the pavement waving to Sasha as they drove off. I should have stopped on the way for some food, she thought, feeling a little worried now.

Gilbert had a large family and a cheerful wife. When they got home, her stepbrothers and sister were out, so Gilbert sat with her in the sitting room until they all arrived. It was a long line of siblings; Sasha smiled as she was introduced. After that, Gilbert left for the pub. During that short stay with her father, Sasha hardly spent time with him. When he finished work he went off with his mates. Nevertheless, she was happy she could spend time with the other children. What kind of society was this? Sasha was used to seeing both parents at home. When it was mealtime, the family has a meal together. Gilbert came home when the family went to bed and in the morning he was off to work by the time everyone got up.

Mandy sat in the sitting room waiting for Sasha. She had called to say they were on their way back to the city. An hour later, Sasha walked in followed by Gilbert and his wife. Mandy offered them a drink after he introduced them. She would never have imagined this day would come. Mandy, in the same room with the woman who was dying to have a baby boy fourteen years ago, but who seemed to have won the deal due her tribe. Young and nave then, Mandy thought her life had come to an end. Happy to be back, Sasha gave Mandy a hug and went straight into the kitchen to make herself a sandwich. So how was it? Mandy asked curiously. Fine, Sasha said without going into details. Mandy was itching to know the full story but her daughter didnt say a thing. Careful not to overstep her limit, Mandy did push her for more information.

Sasha left a week after with little or no answers. She was not broken by that, but merely believed that time would reveal all the answers she had come looking for. Meeting her father was one question answered. Understanding him was still a mystery.

Chapter 27

2006

High court

This journey had started five years ago, and the only person still there was the one person she had been talking to all those years. The days leading up to her hearing did not get any better. She lost her appetite and concentration. Mandy turned up at the courthouse smartly dressed, with no familiar face around except her young lawyer. Looking around her was more of a reflex than anything; everyone seemed to go about their business as normal while her world was about to collapse. She said a prayer as they walked into the court building. Many times she had driven past the high court but never dreamed she would see the inside of the building. Her lawyer went up to the security guard, holding her paper in one hand. Judging from the way he was pointing to the door and making a sign of turning left, she knew they were in the wrong building. Its the other new building behind, Mandys lawyer said. They walked down the long terrace-like steps into the hot morning sun, and each step took her closer and closer to her fears. The building adjacent to the high court stopped abruptly and in front of them was a brick wall. As soon as they turned the corner, a wide door appeared leading into the next building. Zindiwe looked up the judges name and then led Mandy to a narrow passage that continued to an opening where the court marshall sat in a small office with a pile of files. Along the way there was a small landing with sofas and a water dispenser in the corner. Two men dressed in suits were having a friendly conversation judging by their body language. As they walked past them, one of the men turned around. His face looked very

familiar. Too familiar. She stopped to look again. The gentleman was now walking towards her, his stride quick, and meanwhile his hand was stretched out, ready for a handshake. She would never forget that face. Fifteen years ago Mandy, had stood over Joe Mushilis limp body and five years ago they had met at the police station for the first time after that incident. As she held out her hand, Joe smiled broadly, gripping her hand with both hands. Promptly, he turned to his friend, who had by now moved towards Mandy and her lawyer. This woman saved my life, he said to his friend. When Joe had appeared from nowhere at the police station, Mandy simply broke down. How in the world could that be a coincidence? The shock was too much for her to bear coupled by the fact that she had been falsely accused. Mandy and Joe had sat on the bench and he told her how he had turned his life around. Joe was working in the prosecutors office. He had been rebellious and irresponsible as a young man and dropped out of school. Running out of options, his father got him a job at the campsite. Mushili thought he had found a solution until that incident at the campsite. When Mushili retired a couple of years later, Joe went back to university, only this time he took a serious shot at his education. Joe had vouched for Mandys innocence that afternoon and signed her out of the police station. Would Mandy have done that for a person she had only met once? Zindiwe smiled at Mandys surprised expression when she said, Joe is one of the best prosecutors they have. He gave the opening address when my batch graduated. The two men walked away and, picking up Mandys file, the two ladies proceeded to the chambers along another corridor and sat outside Judge Sakalas office. A few people ahead of them were also waiting to go in. Zindiwe looked at Mandy and said, It wont take long, just relax. That is helpful, thought Mandy. Its not possible to relax. Mandy wondered if Winston would be there. That thought just added to her anxiety. The large office had expensive wood furniture. In the middle of the office was a large conference table with leather chairs around it. They stood in front of the table as the marshall gave the file to the judge. Happy

to see the room they walked into was nothing like a courtroom, Mandy was relieved. The judge looked at them from under his glasses and then said, You can proceed. Zindiwe was expected to address the judge, but Mandy could see she was lost. She didnt know the protocol or where to begin, and instantly Judge Sakala reprimanded her. These are procedures youve got to know as a lawyer. Who are you representing? And from nowhere, the answer that came from her just threw Mandy off: Winston, your honour According to my papers, that is the respondent, the judge said. I will ask you again, counselor. This time she blurted out Mandys name. Zindiwe was more nervous than Mandy. After giving the judge the wrong name, she could hardly concentrate at all. All Mandy had to do was answer the questions he asked her with a yes or no. Judge Sakala signed the paper granting a divorce and then turned to Zindiwe. Is this your first case? Yes, your honour, she replied. The whole scene was like watching a movie. The only two people in that room who seemed calm and focused were the Judge and the court marshall. The judges face seemed so familiar, and Mandy wondered where she had seen him before. Suddenly, Mandys face lit up with a smile. Still fresh in her mind was the thought of her walking on the hot tarmac road with bare feet. Afraid to jump into the front seat of the car when a man stopped to offer her a lift, his advice still lingered in her mind. Find someone else to teach you how to drive. He was the man who had given her a lift that day. But she couldnt bring herself to tell him that. In the seriousness of the situation it didnt seem the right thing to do. Within a few minutes, they were walking down that passage again back through the small hall and the table behind the water dispenser. I would like to go back and ask him if he remembered me, Mandy said. Her lawyer didnt think it was a good idea. What use is it anyway? Zindiwe said to her. Ignoring the advice, Mandy turned back quickly

before Zindiwe could utter another word. Gently she knocked on the door and went in. Judge Sakala looked up. Did you leave something behind? No, sir, I just wanted to thank you again for giving me a lift that day. Sakala took his glasses off and placed them on the desk in front of him. Yes, I remember you. Leopards Hill Road. Did you finally learn how to drive? he asked with a smile. Yes I did, but with the help of our elderly driver. I can see you have driven right through your marriage as well, Sakala joked lightly. The last time they had met, she was starting that journey, and the second time she was coming to the end of it. Please look after the children. Thats one of my biggest concerns when I sign divorce papers, he said to Mandy.

She walked out into the hot afternoon heat to the car park where Zindiwe was waiting for her. Mandy was touched by Sakalas parting words and in a way felt good that she had gone back to his office. Being in his position, Sakala knew what he was talking about; he didnt have to say what he said. Yes, it was the children that suffered. Come to the clinic tomorrow, then we can finalize everything, Zindiwe said to her as they walked over to where her small Toyota was parked. As she put the key into the gear lock, Mandy thought about Winston and when they had first met.

Winston was alone when he came to her house to meet her for the first time. He drove into the yard, stopped the car by the front door and waited in the car to be met. He had a serious look about him, with eyes that never seemed to look you straight at you. His surreptitious way of not displaying any kind of warmth was evident right from the beginning. He came through the door and stood right in the middle of Mandys small

living room, waiting to be offered a seat. Winston made sure his first visit was very formal. Please take a seat, she said and motioned him to a chair right opposite to where she sat. For a while they both sat there staring at each other, not knowing what to say. Winston kept giving her side looks as if waiting for the next step in an installation programme. Not knowing what to say herself, she offered him a drink, which he accepted politely. Then, without a cue, he made a mention that he was off alcohol for some time. Not that it made any difference, Mandy thought as she went to the kitchen. She wasnt planning on offering him beer anyway. She put the drinks in front of him then sat down again. How was your day? she asked. He just waved his hand up and down. Tell me about yourself, he said. Meanwhile he stared at her beneath his glasses waiting for a response. At that point, Mandy began to talk about her family, where she worked and what she enjoyed doing after work. She managed to say as much as possible in a short space of time without really thinking much about what she was saying, pausing a few times just to catch her breath. A spell of silence followed after her monologue. Why dont you also tell me about yourself, she said. He looked at her and let out a laugh showing a good set of teeth, then turned away and said, Its not important. He sipped his drink. Mandy was out of topics to discuss. Meanwhile, Winston sat there staring at her waiting for her to say something. Suddenly there was a gentle knock on the door and Joy, her housemate, came in from work. Joy seemed to know much more about Winstons job and they also seemed to know the same people. Mandy walked to the kitchen just to compose herself while Joy chatted away. Was she relieved when he finally left because she could hear herself saying all the wrong things? Winston was different. That evening Mandy lay awake, thinking about Winston. He did not show any reaction to the topics they had discussed that evening and tried hard to conceal his emotions. The topic of street kids came up after Joy shared her experience. She said these kids tried to grab handbags of pedestrians.

They need to be sent back to their home villages, Winston responded. It might have been Mandys imagination, but she didnt feel they connected in any way. Was he still dealing with his wifes death? Was he ready for such a commitment? Several such thoughts went through her mind. Winston thought about that meeting as well. The more he thought about starting a new relationship, the more he felt as though his space was being invaded. What was he getting himself into? Instantly he began to think about his father and that thought brought about a feeling of being abandoned. He wondered if that void would ever be filled. There were many things Mandy should have confronted right from the beginning but chose to deliberately ignore. If she had listened to her intuition, she would have probably avoided the pain they both suffered all those years. Mandy looked at her divorce papers for the first time and slowly put them back in the large white envelope. If only she had listened to her heart she would not be holding these papers in her hand today.
Mandy felt let down in many ways but was determined to move on for the sake of her children.

The next morning she stood outside her classroom door greeting her students as they arrived. Mandy had not yet come to terms with her divorce. Good morning Ms. Mandy, Chintos mother greeted her warmly. Good Morning Lily. Lily worked for an NGO that helped female street kids. She had long flowing blonde hair and rode to school with Chinto, an adopted African girl, every morning on a bicycle with a child seat. She intense and extrovert, because of her characters she did not fit in easily. The locals were more tolerant of peculiarities. Steve used to called her Mad Lily but Mandy liked her as she seemed to have a good heart and was concerned for peoples well being. The organization she worked for had established a centre where these teenagers could go for food and a change of clothes.

Could I ask you for a favour? Lily said touching Mandys arm. Of course, although Im not sure I can help, but go ahead. I was wondering if you could teach out at the centre where I work? We are putting together a programme that will run for two days each week, she explained. What would you like me to do? Mandy asked. Well, this is just to teach the girls simple English and how to write their names, Lily replied. If you tell me when you are free we could work round your schedule, she continued, smiling broadly. Mandy did not hesitate to give Lily an answer, she wanted to help and was attracted to the idea of doing something positive outside work. Yes I can do Tuesdays and Thursdays, she said.

That afternoon Mandy arrived at the rented Guide hall. The girls watched her curiously as she got out of the car. Mandy had asked Steve for a lift, as her car was not working. On the line were clothes and pieces of garments. Sitting around were several teenagers wrapped in blankets waiting for their clothes to dry. Nervously Mandy walked up to the group. Hello! she said. Hello teacher they answered. How did they know I was coming? It was only later that she discovered they addressed any welldressed person in that way when they came to the centre. Mandy had agreed to join them for lunch, which would be a good time to interact with the girls. Madam if you dont like your food you can give it to me, one of them said. Mandy smiled at her to show her the food was very good and that there was nothing wrong with it. She was just a slow eater. When Mandy looked up, there were about ten girls waiting to eat any leftovers. They stared at her as though they had not eaten in days. It was difficult enough for her to eat with total strangers but to eat knowing these girls needed this food more than she did was difficult. However she knew this was the only way she could get their trust. Eating with them would show that she believed there was nothing special about her. When she offered the left overs to the girl closest to where she sat, a fight broke out. In no time the girls were trading blows and scratching each other.

Stop this right now, Lilys voice came from behind. Is this the way you want your new teacher to remember you? Teachers have left due to this kind of behaviour.

The teenagers were not duty bound in anyway to stay there and could walk away at any time. What they received at the centre was a meal, bath and the opportunity to learn a few things. The NGO worked with them to help them acquire new skills in order to get them off the streets. They had reallocated many by finding a close relative who was willing to look after them. This commitment went with a small allowance to help the teenagers go back to school although many were older than the grade in which they were placed.

After collecting her children from school, Mandy got home feeling tired from that extraordinary experience. None of the girls could write their names but were much better at addition and subtraction. They could tell Mandy the change to different denominations presented to them without blinking an eye. They were curious about Mandys background and expressed how difficult they would find it be in a relationship with a white person. What is it like sleeping next to somebody who looks like a ghost? they asked.

The girls were drowsy when she first met them. Apparently they were still suffering from the after effects of inhaling jet fuel. This was smuggled from Lusaka International Airport and sold on the less salubrious streets of the capital. It was the cheapest way of getting high and forgetting for a moment the hopelessness of the life they led. After they had a meal and the day progressed they began to sober up and became more alert.

Two of the girls were pregnant and had barely enough clothes to cover the large bump on their stomach. After their bath Mandy noticed that some were not wearing any underwear. Before teaching the class she asked one of the girls to put a pair on. This girl looked rather confused while the others burst into laughter. Miss she doesnt have any. What use does she have for a pair of timewasters? Timewasters? asked Mandy. Yes all those things do is waste our time. Well in this class you will all wear underwear and I really dont care if they waste your time. Next time Mandy visited the centre she was carrying a number of pairs of underwear she had purchased inexpensively at the

local market and made sure after their bath they all put them on.

Lily was well meaning but had virtually no authority amongst those girls. She was guided so much by noble principles of helping the unfortunate African and making the world a better place that the girls played her like a piano. They knew exactly what to say to elicit sympathy or what excuse to give for poor behavior. When she turned around to the black board they would be making faces behind her back. With Mandy however, she understood their culture and was firm when needed. As time progressed she built up a relationship with them and they seemed to respect her. She noticed that one of the pregnant girls was beginning now to reflect on her life and what kind of world she would bring her child into.

The experience was not entirely without humour however. Mandy had taught them all how to write their names so the next time they were rounded up by the police from the streets of Lusaka, instead of giving the usual thumbprint at the station they had been fighting to get to the front of the queue to demonstrate to the officers, their newly acquired skills of using a pen. They told the story proudly to Mandy the next time they met, who found it difficult to repress a smile as they related it.

In Africa there is no government safety net and if any exists at all it is through the assistance of the extended family. One day you can have a job and be fairly happy, but, if that disappears, things can go downhill very quickly. When Mandy looked at the girls she realized how fortunate she was to have been born to a good family, to have received an education and have a job.

Chapter 28

2003 Getting a grip

Mandy was preparing her classroom for the parents evening. She put out the childrens work on the table neatly. Her assistant Marjory was at the other end of the room putting up some paintings. Mr. Richards came into the classroom to hand out the programme for that evening and stopped to admire the work they had put on display. Mandy was happy at how creative her students were; their work looked different but unique. That evening she shared with parents what the children were learning that term and how they could reinforce the learning at home without doing too much. At the end of the evening Mandy suggested, It would be nice if you could all draw a picture for your child and just stick it up next to your childs picture or leave it on the table where they can find it. Mistakes are for people to learn from, she thought. How many erasers would she need to erase the mistakes she had made in the past to create a perfect picture? The parents spent more time erasing their drawings than they spent talking to her. Over and over again they tried to draw a perfect picture before they hesitantly relinquished their drawings. Her students would be happy with whatever drawing they got from their parents. Even a smiley face would be fine. Mistakes did not exist in their innocent minds until they were taught that. All they saw was a special gift left for them by the person they loved. As Mandy locked up her classroom door, she thought about the conference and how the parents took the task seriously, working to achieve perfection. Maybe that was one reason she enjoyed the age group she was teaching. Creative and confident, her four year olds were not afraid to make mistakes. Mandy put the classroom keys into her bag then tried to fish out her car keys. If only she could keep them in the same pocket, it would not be so difficult to find

them. Cant find your keys? A familiar voice behind her said. Mandy looked up to find Steve standing behind her. How did the parents evening go? he asked. She was surprised to see him in that part of the school. It went well, I suppose. She tried to avoid looking at him. What do you mean? he asked. Mandy then went on to tell him about the drawing. It was good to see him, although they did meet in staff meetings occasionally, lately they hardly spoke at all. I thought you would still be here because I saw the light in the classroom as I left my room. I still worry about you driving home alone, Mandy.

It seemed like only yesterday when Mandy had Susan in her class. Now she was in third grade. After Mandy had received the letter from Steve, she thought it was best to respect his decision. It had been a difficult time for her to come to terms with the break up. Nevertheless, she felt confident about herself because of the time she had taken to sort out her previously unresolved feelings towards Winston. Mandy thought about Steve all the time and her feelings didnt seem to change. She didnt know whether these feelings were genuine or whether she was just lonely. The more she thought about it, the more difficult it became. They spoke over the phone occasionally and once after that he brought the children over to her house at the weekend. A casual greeting once in a while when they met in the corridor was the most common form of communication between them now. It was now three years since Steve had moved to the school and this time had also given him the opportunity to make a clean break with his first wife from Tanzania. Mandy thought about him all the time and a few times they would lock eyes at a staff meeting. Maybe it had been too early for both of them to rush into a relationship. Nevertheless, they did cherish the wonderful times they spent together. They had day trips to Kariba Lake and, when school closed, travelled to Victoria Falls. All that had taught her that a broken heart could heal. Steve walked Mandy to her car and stopped briefly in the car park. It was as though they were continuing where

they had left off. Why dont we pop into the polo grill for a quick drink before you go home, he suggested to Mandy. And why not? she replied, looking at her watch. As they crossed the road, Steve took hold of her hand because he knew how bad she was at crossing roads. His warm palms felt comforting and reassuring. As they walked through the deserted car park, Steve stopped and held Mandy in his arms. I miss you very much, he said, looking down at her. Being in his arms was the only thing Mandy longed for. How could she maintain and retain that relationship? Steve placed his lips on hers and gave her a passionate kiss that sent a thrill right through her body. If Steve had not held her, that kiss would have knocked her over, her legs seemed to be shaking so much. That weekend Steve and the children stayed over at Mandys house, as she was busy with her end-of-year reports and his proof reading skills were always so useful. Looking at the computer screen, Mandy knew she had hit her limit. Ive got to take a break, Mandy said out loud. Ill just read through a few then stop for the day. Steve walked into the bedroom carrying two cups of tea. How are you getting on? he asked, handing her the drink. Then he threw himself on the bed close to her. Ive done most of them, just a few remaining, Mandy said without turning her head. She scrolled through the reports to make note of how many she had typed. Mandy, what advice would you give a man on sex? Steve I am working on my reports. question is that? she replied. What kind of a

If you were asked to give your advice on that topic, what would say? he continued undeterred. I dont know what Id say. Maybe I would think of something. Has this got something to do with the book you are writing? Something like what? Steve said, sitting up. Mandy swung round on her chair to face him.

Okay, I would advise them on three things. Steves eyes opened wide in anticipation. You mean you would advise a man on three things? Why three things? he asked. Will you listen? Mandy said, running out of patience. Sex is an emotional journey in itself and should be approached with respect. Thats number one. Openness about the subject opens many avenues for a better relationship. Mandy paused before she went on to the third point. Sex should not be used as a reward or punishment. Steve looked at her and smiled. Have you been reading books about this subject? You seem to have it all figured out. His head was now resting in the palm of his hand as he lay on the bed. So where does being romantic come into all this, men want to be romantic at times, you know. Being romantic is like spicing up your relationship every now and then. Anyway thats what I think. Mandy swirled in her chair to face the computer screen again. You are an interesting woman, Mandy, do you know that? Yes I do, she replied without looking back, not sure if Steve meant what he said. In the evening when Steve put Mwisho and Susie to bed he decided to use that quiet time to write a book about his life. It was times like these that he felt lonely and needed company. Mandy could relate to that well enough to understand how he felt. During her quiet time Mandy sat in her small living room reading books that explored the philosophy behind metaphysics.

It was early evening and the sun was just going down. The hot afternoon temperature began to drop as the cool evening breeze drifted through the air. Steve and Mandy sat on the veranda overlooking the now-buried swimming pool in Mandys back yard. Its amazing how quickly it gets dark in Africa. As soon as the sun goes down within a short time, its dark, Steve said, staring at the orange rays of the sun in the distance. Saturday evening was not one of Mandys good days. The maid was off and she was in no mood to cook. After a long chat with Steve, he suggested they walk down to

Johnnys Restaurant, which was just up the road from where Mandy lived, to buy a take away. I think we should take the car, Steve, Mandy said. Come on, its less than a kilometre, we dont need to drive the car, Steve laughed at Mandys suggestion. Recently there had been several incidents in that area, one of the reasons Mandy was reluctant to walk in the dark. Look, I will protect you, so dont you worry, Steve said as he put his shoes on. Mandy thought about their planned trip to England to visit Steves parents, and a cold chill ran down her spine. Steve, you dont want to visit your parents with no ears do you, Mandy said, laughing. What are you talking about? Ill have my ears unless if you are planning on cutting them off, he said, tying his shoelaces. Well thats whats going to happen if we dont take the car. The bandits will have a field day with your big ears, Mandy joked. Recently, the police spokesman had issued statement warning people about that particular gang armed with sharp objects was going around ears off unsuspecting peoples for no reason in of Longacres and surrounding areas. a crime. A cutting the dusk

What do they do with the ears? Steve asked. I guess they just get rid of them. Did you think they cook them? Mandy teased. Thats sick, Steve said, making a face. They are probably just trying to get back at the police or something, she said to a surprised Steve. When Mandy had first read about it in the papers she found it funny, but on second thought, what a mean thing to do. A month later the crime had spread to other surrounding compounds and everyone was talking about it. It was only after the chief spokesman from the police department issued a statement that the crime had died down. Let me forewarn you: if you we catch the culprits, we will chop off other more important parts from them, he had announced.

Without a squabble, Steve and Mandy got into the car.

At the end of that academic year Steve made a decision to stay at the school only for another year. It was a difficult time for both of them as the economy was not doing well at all and salaries had been devalued. He had to make a final decision sooner or later as to where his next job would be. But at the moment Mandy was happy that Steve had made many sacrifices just to be with her and that meant a lot. Christmas was always a difficult time for her, trying hard to get the right presents for the children. Steve suggested they let the children pick from a list they had made. That way it was affordable. Roast turkey, pumpkin leaves, rice, roast potatoes and of course maize meal porridge (nshima) were all prepared. Mandy had invited her family for Christmas dinner. She wrapped a few small gifts for her nieces and nephews and bought more expensive presents that were set aside for her brothers-in-law. There was lot of patching up to do with her sisters after all those years when she had been isolated from them and living with Winston. Mandy had promised Steve she would be finished by 20:00 and so would be in time for their evening out. Right through the day she had tried to avoid eating anything and so by the time he picked her up, Mandy was starving. The Ridgeway Hotel had been decorated with bright lights in the driveway and the large Christmas tree at the entrance added to the festive atmosphere. They were led to a table at the far end of the room. It was evident as they walked through it that most of the tables had been reserved. Mandy was wearing a pale green skirt with a dark green tie-back top. Having not worn heels for some time, she was taking care to place her feet carefully. At the starter bay they helped themselves to cold meats and salads. It was good food only eaten at this time of year: caviar, lobster and liver pate. A bottle of champagne was delivered to their table. It was good to be out there celebrating Christmas together. Gently, Steve took her hand and kissed it lightly. He looked into her eyes and smiled. Mandy will you

marry me? The shock almost made Mandy choke on her saliva as tears started to well up in her eyes. What do you mean? she mumbled. It was a silly question that just slipped out due to a more appropriate choice of words being temporarily unavailable. Mandy wanted this more than anything in the world. Yes! she said, covering her mouth. Steve reached over and kissed her again on the lips as he wiped away her tears. Mandy was floating through the air. What happened after that was something she was never able to remember. The only thing that stuck with her was that feeling of being in a dream world where everything around her began to fall into place. And by the time they had the main course she began to realise that everything between them had instantly changed that evening. Mandy had no reason to despise Winston in any way. Looking back now, she saw Winston was just a small part of the big picture. If anything, she had every reason to thank him. Getting married to him was necessary to accomplish other things, and what she thought at the time were bad experiences had turned out to be lessons to help her better understand herself. Winston had taught her how to let go even when it hurt and to confront issues that had caused her anguish all her life as she looked for ways to heal. She no longer saw the necessity to live up to other peoples expectations. When Mandy accepted the fact that she had to let go, she found herself more open to and understanding of others. She realised there was a time for everything. The intensity of her yearning for something better and the frequency was what drew a particular thing into her life or the other way round. Mandy had found her own understanding of prayer.

Winston had left his home village at a tender age without anyone knowing that his young life had come to a standstill. Each day he longed to be back there with his mother and friends because that place was the center of his universe. Having a job and children to look after did not change that in any way; it only prevented him from returning as he was now forced to stay in the city for the children to receive a good education. Winstons first wife taught Winston to offer help only when you could afford it, freeing him of many dependents and putting a stop to the habit of them coming and going to his house as they pleased. He had carried

that yoke on his shoulders for a while as he always remembered the debt owed to his uncle. Now that Mandy had custody of the children, he was free of the burden and was ready to go back to that life he so much longed for, by the fire with his mother roasting sweet potatoes and fishing in the river. He could find out why his father had left and later returned. If he could live just a part of the life robbed of him as a young boy, perhaps he could find some of the answers to who he really was. His biggest barrier had been meeting his father, and having crossed that bridge, Winston was ready to live.

Looking back at her life was overwhelming for Mandy in many ways. It was like a puzzle and all the pieces had to fall into place one way or another. If Mandy had not met Gilbert, she would not have met her Swedish sister Ingrid, who had become her mentor, nor would she have travelled to Sweden. If Mandy had not met Ingrid, she would not have become a teacher and met Steve. If her parents had not been recalled back early from England, her father would never have travelled to the Swedish Agricultural College in the first place. A life would have been lost that day at the campsite if they had not been forced off the bus for carrying ivory. This had also changed how medicines had to be bought under prescription, as the law had been tightened. Mandy would probably also not have walked out of the police station if she had not saved Joe that day. Angry relatives can be most intimidating to the police, especially when they see the family breadwinner in danger. It was serendipity: everything had happened to benefit Mandy in the future. When Winston communicated with Mandy, he seemed happy with his new life and was open and talkative. After so many difficult years, they were now able to share a tolerable relationship.

She could now look back at how she had tried to search for answers from people she believed were much closer to God than she was and still these people did not have the answers she was looking for. Instead, many of them demanded from her what God would not demand. Mandy was generous and had willingly given to the poor whatever little she had. Compared to her own generosity, the priorities of some churches did not feel right.

Fed up, she had teamed up with women in similar situations, and secretly they found themselves talking to strange medicine men about their problems. These medicine men could barely put food on the table let alone afford a pair of shoes. Fortune telling and healing was a livelihood; if they could tell a customer what he wanted to hear, they earned their money. Were they capable of solving their own problems? Most likely not. At times she had drowned her troubles in glasses of wine just to live through them. Nursing a headache the following day only added to her already existing problems. All of this finally led to her revisiting her own beliefs. With a different mindset, she learned to deal with her problems. First things first: she was going to be herself. People had to accept her for who she was and not the other way round. She had spent time running around after people, but this time, if she didnt want to do something, she would now simply say, No, Im sorry, Im unable do that. Mandy stood in front of the mirror and practiced her new skills with a sincere expression. She smiled at herself and felt good about it. But the question still remained: who is God and where is he? Often she went to church but felt unsure if hell truly existed and how the wrath of God was distorted. Mandy thought about Gods qualities again. God is great, he is powerful, he is all knowing, he is the creator of the universe, omnipotent, and he is everything he wants to be at any time, she thought, drying her hands on a small blue towel that was hanging by the small basin. Except he does not have needs. That energy she called God was not in a church building, or up in the sky somewhere. He was close to her heart, and it was but a short journey to reach him. People preached about Gods love, so how could he also be the being who sends you to perdition? Many times when she longed for something, she would dream about it and kept thinking about it. The funny thing was that Mandy never got round to praying for her longings, and still, amazingly enough, she got her hearts desire in due course. Somehow God could hear her every thought and she had no doubt about that. She talked to her imaginary friend and told him how she felt not only when she was happy but even when she was sad. There must be a special link and we just dont realise it, Mandy thought, washing her hands.

Looking for assurance, she had worked tirelessly to be accepted by her husband in the hope that maybe that would heal her inner wounds. She wanted to prove to everyone that she had learned from her mistakes and was now a respectable married woman, but that came at a price: her happiness. Mandy had walked out of that dark tunnel into her own tunnel of understanding, believing in a God that did not punish people. Believing in a God who embraced and accepted you for who you were.

Mandy was watching television when Steve walked in from work. She had a free afternoon and had come home with the children: Christie, Mwisho, Susan and Kasoma. Mandy didnt feel like having her usual afternoon nap. She made herself a cup of coffee and pulled out the book she was reading. Would you like a cup of coffee or tea? she asked, as Steve kissed her on the forehead. Ive had two cups of coffee already. Ill have a cup of tea, please. Mandy got up to go to the kitchen as Steve sat down. I saw Beatrice cleaning in the secondary lab late afternoon. Have you had a chat with her about her new job, Steve asked, sitting down in his usual chair. Yes, shes very happy working at the school. Mandy had convinced Beatrice to apply for a cleaning job that had been advertised in the school. After Mandy got her divorce, she had kept in touch with Beatrice and helped her find a small house to rent not far from where Mandy lived. Beatrice was wearing her white lab coat when she met Mandy briefly in the corridor. Worried from the beginning, Mandy was happy to learn how popular she had become amongst her fellow workmates. Nothing much had changed about Beatrice since they met at the clinic, except she had toned down on crude jokes. Beatrice was given the chance to earn money for the first time in her life. Now, are you ready for this? Steve asked, taking the hot cup from Mandys grip. Ready for what? Mandy did not like unexpected surprises but smiled bravely. Go on, what is it? she urged. There had been evidence of doubt in Steves voice that made her a little uneasy.

We are moving to India, he said, handing her the letter containing the offer of a job. Mandy thought about all the events of her life and how everything had started to fall into place. The jigsaw, however, was to be expanded and the pieces thrown into the air again. How did India come into all this? Mandy trusted God, Steve, herself and the process of her life and knew that this was right.

The End.

About The Author

Monica lee grew up in Africa but has lived abroad for many years. She is married and presently lives in Malaysia with her family.