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Briefing for a Descent into Heck

Trivial Tales of Everyday Madness

Robert K. Hogg
Today is the first day of the rest of your life as dystopian fiction in the upcoming brave new world, or, strategies for surviving a covert genocidal future conspiracy in the here and now

Its obvious you have some interesting things to say

Colin Wilson

Briefing For a Descent into Heck

Trivial Tales of Everyday Madness

Robert K. Hogg

January 2014

For Lynne

The Comedy Borg Cometh

'Back off man, I'm a scientist.' Bill Murray ~ Ghostbusters People can be interesting when they think youre really really stupid Disturbing Behaviour. !!"

Prologue: 2 ! Profane Exegesis: Reality and Simulacrum. I managed to get along to t e !ameo t e ot er day to see " Scanner #ar$ly% an animation film% &ased on t e no'el &y P ili( ) #ic$. "l*ays satisfying to see #ic$ coming into is o*n o'er t e years% I found it mind+&lo*ing in itself to &e sitting t ere *atc ing it at t is (articular (oint in time and s(ace, my mind $e(t *andering% ma$ing t e usual free+associati'e connections. -ut t e gist of t e story is t at t e main c aracter -o& "rc er is under sur'eillance &y a co( * o also a((ens to &e imself. #ic$ is (laying around *it simultaneously .nostic and dee(ly (syc ological t emes. I t in$ most of t e audience and is readers see is ideas as little more t an t e fantasies of an imaginati'ely gifted *riter. -ut for some% myself included% #ic$ as come closer to &lo*ing a(art or unra'elling some of t e trut &e ind a((earances. / at t e *orld is not at all * at it (retends to &e% /rue% e seemed to a'e altered is 'ie*(oint e'ery ot er day% &ut t e (ro&ing *as done. I felt t is long &efore t e mo'ie% / e

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0atrix e'er made its a((earance% &ut it *as a year or t*o &efore it did t at I *as sitting in an u(mar$et &ar &y -risto Street for a last drin$ *it an esoterically inclined friend and 123 &uff &efore e *ent off to 4ancou'er% t at I5d &roug t t e con'ersation around to t e su&6ect of o* our notions of reality% our most &asic assum(tions are% if you li$e% under an onslaug t from t e entertainment industry as *ell as in t e arts and literature, t at films suc as 12.01% re+made later as .round og #ay 7 *it great comic actor -ill 0urray% are touc ing on as(ects of t e dee(est meta( ysics% our most c eris ed (resu((ositions of t e &asis of time% s(ace and causality% and I ex(ected to see an increase in suc t emes. 8E'en if 0urray does use t e situation% t e time anomaly% to c eat is *ay into t e eart and mind of t e *oman e lo'es9. :uestions of identity% t e nature of t e self% t e a((arent solidity of t e *orld and oursel'es as *e ex(erience and &elie'e t em to &e% t e * ole ( enomenal uni'erse. It *as all coming under t e microsco(e% often in 'ery &rilliantly in'enti'e and entertaining fas ion% &ut far remo'ed from a meaningless di'ersion. In its *ay% / e 0atrix came to (ersonify t is for me. I found t e film% 12.01 as (rofound in its o*n *ay% *it its t eme of a time loo( re(eating itself% a sta(le in many dramas since. I5d come to see istory% indi'idually and collecti'ely% as &eing only a se;uence of e'ents and li'es &eing re(eated o'er and o'er again in different forms. / e 0atrix% a((earing s ortly after our con'ersation% ad its moments of e(i( any for me% nota&ly in one lo*er+$ey scene% * en our eroes% <eo% 0or&ius and t e rest are &eing (ursued &y agents% and a cat *al$s (ast )eanu Rea'es as <eo% 6ust as e5s a&out to follo* t e t em u( t e flig t of stairs% t en anot er cat crosses is (at in exactly t e same manner% * ic catc es is attention. / is alerts t e ot ers * o descri&e t is as a =glitc in t e 0atrix5% a fa&ricated reality. / e &asis of t e film. I ad long $no*n t is to &e true. It ad &een ta$ing form o'er t e years t roug a se;uence of unli$ely associations and startling sync ronicities. Some of t em I5d a'e to &e &lind not to (ic$ u( on. "(ro(os of t is% it5s *ort recounting if &riefly% o* I came to meet 4% and o* t ese associations came to s a(e t emsel'es. I state it in t e (resent tense% as it5s still an ongoing se;uence% a semi+mystifying

( enomenon% t oug to all intents and (ur(oses 4 fell s*iftly out of my life for a * ile% &ut t is *as 6ust is reser'ed style. / e (erson * o ad introduced me to im *as no more or less im(ortant. / is *as at t e /ra'erse / eatre * ere 1ri .eller *as doing is t ing. I *ould descri&e myself as &eing less of a sce(tic t an 4. "s for R * o introduced us% er * ole orientation seemed to re'ol'e around (eo(le rat er t an ideas. .ifted *it t e a&ility to com(artmentalise dis(arate and conflicting ideas in a *or$a&le form of dissociation (ar excellence% c allenging or unusual ideas *ere s ifted to t e &ac$ of er a*areness in a $ind of a?e of irrele'ance com(ared to t e @real *orld@ of (eo(le. I t in$ s e felt s e *as doing us &ot a good turn% and could congratulate erself on any (syc ological% c emical reaction t at mig t ta$e (lace% any ne* (ers(ecti'es *e mig t stimulate in eac anot er. 1ndou&tedly esoterically inclined% *it a dee( interest in t e teac ings of Rudol( Steiner% is o'ert interest *as in 123s. / is *as t e &asis of our common interest after all% t e reason s e ad felt *e s ould &e introduced to one anot er. ...I5'e 6ust realised I5m *riting t roug !olin -lunstone% e of / e Aom&ies% on Stuart 0aconie5s 2rea$ Aone on --! B. Co* my &ro and I lo'ed is Say Dou #on5t 0ind% and I #on5t -elie'e In 0iracles. I5d (ic$ed t em u( c ea( in my early teens. I t in$ it *as anot er mem&er of t e &and% as e mentioned E!olin%F unless it *as anot er !olin. " num&er of &ands a'e cited t eir im(ortance% 'erifying my o*n discernment% t oug I5'e little interest no* in t ose &ands t at did, / e Jam and Primal Scream. 3 and t e Stones% * o are of course% excellent% t oug I5'e ne'er ex(lored t eir oeu're in any consistent *ay. I did read a &iog of Jagger t oug % man+years ago. 2ascinating stuff t is e G I once (ara( rased t e &iogra( er5s ;uote on im to H% t at I 8 e9 li$e to &e @in'ol'ed@ in t e same *ay e% Jagger% li$es to a'e someone around% and s e too$ me at my *ord. " =fatal@ t ing to say to a (at ological narcissist * o a& ors any admission of de(endency% for t ey ate any sign of it in t emsel'es t en (ro6ect t at onto you. "ll t at intelligence and suc negligi&le insig t. "nd t e @(erfect@ demonstration t at e'en t oug *ords can &e 6ust *ords% as P)# &elie'ed% you see o* some (eo(le latc onto

t em to ne'er let t em go &ecause t ey *ant to $ee( you on t e oo$ fore'er more% in t e &elief it gets or $ee(s t em off it. <e'er s(eculate aloud *it some (eo(le. / ey@ll try and &ox you in at t e first o((ortunity. " andy meta( or for e'eryday life no*% as t e *orld &ecomes one &ig control frea$. P ili( ) #ic$ *as a*are of t is I t in$% as e indicated in an inter'ie* many years ago% / e ego+mind fore'er searc ing for *ea$ness and any scra( of sin it can c eris and $ee( in mind until t e end of your days * ile it li'es fore'er% or so it *ould a'e us &elie'e. .iles Iem&ley Cogg .oes 3ff. 0arcus -rigstoc$. If I die no* *ould I really &e a((yG 3r a'e I 6ust allo*ed t e t oug t of deat to come into my mind in t e guise of t e same casual ;uestionG S it time. It ne'er ends. /a$e a .irl Hi$e 0e. / at !al'in, * at a guy. I tried reading some )ingsley "mis many years ago &ut e didn5t old my interest. It *ould &e @interesting@ to read one of is no'els no*. I mention im &ecause !I discusses im at lengt in is &oo$ on t e "ngries 7 / e "ngry Dears 7 along *it many ot ers% suc as Jo n -raine and Jo n Iain * o &lur into one for me, I a'e a cou(le of t e former5s no'els% and one day may e'en read t em. Room "t / e /o( mig t &e good fun. !I descri&es o* -raine5s fortunes tric$led out as is no'els &ecame less (o(ular and e mo'ed from larger to smaller ouses until e mo'ed to a small flat or room in Cam(stead. Iilson mentions Joy as a'ing no trou&le recalling t e large $itc en in is more (ros(erous days% and goes on to ;uote a 6ournalist * o inter'ie*ed -raine in Cam(stead% descri&ing it as Egloom at t e to(.F Hater e *as a'ing is Jmas dinner at a community centre *it Eindigents. FI can (icture t e su&text * ere% after mentioning is *ife5s a((arent en'y of t e -raine5s scullery amenities% e ends u( in a room and di'orced. -ut e% Iilson is still *it is *ife of course% as *ell as a'ing t eir o*n ouse in a slig tly out of t e *ay location in !orn*all% (ic$ed u( for a =steal5 s ortly after (u&lication of / e 3utsider *it its no dou&t more t an ade;uate $itc en. / e * ole &oo$ is a&out o* e% !I% is a su(erior uman &eing in (retty muc e'ery sense% com(ared to is contem(oraries% t oug e lea'es s(ecial (raise for #oris Hessing% * o% as e says% s ares similar e'olutionary (reoccu(ations to is o*n. It5s also 'astly

entertaining and interesting. -ut t is is t e &lo$e * o dismissed t e !ourse as ni ilistic as e does in a statement on Cenry 0iller in t e &oo$% (er a(s 6ustified in is case. -ut 0iller *as also a*are t at t e *orld is only a reflection of t e mind. "nd !I uses it in t at context so as to a((ly it to -raine, 8or *as it IainG9 rat er t an for instance loo$ at o* a'ing a millenarian outloo$ and e'en &elief% needn5t &e synonymous *it (assi'ity% or as e (uts it% negati'ity. Predicta&ly e sees t e !ourse as Enegati'e.F Ce as it u(side do*n. It@s t e ego+ mind t at@s negati'e and destructi'e. / ese t emes are also discussed in muc ne* agey and c annelled *ritings% not least )en !arey5s / ird 0illennium% t oug t e !ourse is% as Ia(nic$ (ut it% *ell a&o'e anyt ing t e <e* "ge as to offer. Ce doesn@t discuss )en !arey@s &oo$s. 0y 'ie*% for * at it@s *ort % is t at t e !arey material is t e &est of t e <e* "ge so far% and almost if not ;uite% on (ar *it "!I0 itself. It certainly as its ama?ing and air+raising moments, &ut in a good *ay. Iilson5s 'ie* is fragmented and (iecemeal in t at e discussed "!I0 in t e (ostscri(tLlast c a(ter to "fterlife% along *it S irley 0aclaine and ot ers% &ut e5s ne'er made any mention of t e !arey material t at I5m a*are of% and I see t is as a (retty standard tac$ no*% and ty(ical of t e met odically selecti'e a((roac % * ere% &ecause it isn5t (resented more as a * ole% you *ould a'e no in$ling of 6ust o* selecti'e t is a((roac is 7 and t e connections t at are t ere to &e seen 7 if you ta$e im and t e (eo(le e does c am(ion at is *ord% &ased on is @ex austi'e @ researc as co'ered in is *riting. 2or instance% e as a (iece on !arlos !astaneda in is &oo$% Scandal% *it #onald Seaman 7 * o also colla&orated *it im on / e Serial )illers 7 * ere e uses inconsistencies in !astaneda5s &oo$s to dismiss t e * ole of t em as (eddling fantasies. In ot er *ords% e5s (ic$ing u( on * at mig t &e relati'ely tri'ial inconsistencies to dismiss gi'ing t e ideas t e consideration t ey mig t ot er*ise deser'e as *ell as influencing ot ers to do t e same of course. In s ort% e5s using t e one to ex(lain a*ay t e ot er, t e strategy of e'ery fundamentally inclined mediocrity under t e sun. I ic isn5t to say he is% &ut t is tends to &e t e le'el of t e mediocrities t at t in$ of t emsel'es as is admirers and su((orters% and it isn5t good enoug . I mention t is &ecause some of t e t emes !astaneda uses in

is &oo$s% suc as referring to t e @naugal%@ come u( in t e first 'olume in !arey5s series% namely / e Starseed /ransmissions% * ere = e5 tal$s a&out t e tonal and t e naugal% and t e im(erati'e to &e @*illing to lea( into a ne* reality.@ / e t eme% as *it t e later 4ision% and of course% / e / ird 0illennium% is unmista$a&ly and s(ecifically e'olutionary% *it many similarities to% and e'en antici(ates t emes *it !I5s o*n *or$% t oug is o*n (rescience s ouldn5t &e underestimated. Cis t eme% t at consciousness lea$s energy% discussed at lengt in " !riminal Cistory of 0an$ind in 1NM>% t oug (er a(s also in is "ccess /o Inner Iorlds in 5M3% comes u( in / e Starseed /ransmissions from 5KN. Ce discusses is friend and contem(orary Stuart Colroyd in / e "ngryDears% &ut I5'e yet to come across an account of Colroyd5s "lien Intelligence any* ere at all in !I@s *ritings, itself a ;uite remar$a&le (recursor to many of t e t emes in !arey5s &oo$s% (u&lis ed later. / ere5s al*ays t e (ossi&ility !I as discussed it in is "lien #a*n &ac$ in 5NM. It5s in t e c aos of my &oo$s some* ere. 8Ce discusses only Colroyd@s Prelude to t e Handing on Plant Eart 7 a study of @/ e <ine.@ Ce discussed #oris Hessing5s Sirius &oo$s in / e "ngry Dears% as I say. -ut Ro&ert"nton Iilson% e of / e !osmic /rigger 81NKK9 and IHH10I<"/1SO trilogies and ot ers% (arallels Hessing5s / e Sirius Ex(eriments in is !osmic /rigger I *it P)#5s 4alis% and a long inter'ie* #ic$ ga'e to .regg Ric$man called / e Hast /estament% and also remar$s on t e similarities *it is friend /imot y Heary5s o*n @starseed transmissions@ in a later (reface in @MB% as *ell as is o*n ex(eriences. <or as !I e'er &roug t /erence 0c)enna into t e e;uation% t oug e *ould seem to me to a'e a central (art in it. R"I finis ed is &oo$ *it a section on /erence and &rot er James5 / e In'isi&le Handsca(e. 1) ( ysicist Peter Russell discussed t e &oo$ &ac$ in t e early N0s in / e I ite Cole In /ime% u(dated and ex(anded as Ia$ing 1( In /ime% a'aila&le in its entirety on t e Internet% as is / e .rand Illusion. / is centres around 2012% as does / e In'isi&le Handsca(e, t en t ere5s also t e no'els of t e early S2 *riter 3laf Sta(ledon% es(ecially Star 0a$er% &ut also 2irst and Hast 0en in Hondon * ic deal *it e'olutionary t emes. It as to &e admitted t oug % t at P)# *as already (reoccu(ied *it t emes% descri&ed in 4alis% suc as t e #ogon and dog+ eaded extraterrestrials e called t e <ommo% * o e s(eculated *ere

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(er a(s communicating *it im from an off+(lanet s(aces i(, an idea e ex(lored at lengt in t e (ost umously (u&lis ed Radio 2ree "l&emut % and as muc t e t eme of Ro&ert /em(le@s / e Sirius 0ystery% a &oo$ * ic seems to a'e influenced a * ole num&er of (eo(le in ta$ing t e (ossi&ility seriously% and as ex(osited at lengt in P yllis Sc lemmer5s / e 3nly Planet of ! oice% a c annelled *or$ !I does discusses in "lien #a*n 7 t at umanity is causing a $ind of e'olutionary &ottlenec$ 7 along *it t e ultra+*eird ex(eriences of 1ri .eller and Iilson5s friend "ndri6a Pu aric % descri&ed in is &iogra( y% 1ri. -ut not forgetting Colroyd5s "lien Intelligence% t ere5s also -rad Steiger5s .ods of ";uarius, along *it a ost of ot ers in Hynn Pic$nett and !li'e Prince5s / e Stargate !ons(iracy% * ere it all gets 'ery sinister. I don@t mean t ey discuss Colroyd@s "lien Intelligence or Steiger@s .ods of... / ey (osit a dar$ "leister !ro*leyian ins(ired religion &ased around /em(le5s descri(tion of t e <ommo encircling t e Eart in sealed ca(sules% *aiting to *a$e at some (rearranged signal t at *ill us er in a ne* age of dominant leaders i( &y @/ e <ine5% as in Planet of ! oice% as *ell as Pu aric 5s @1ri%@ * ere t ey claim to &e t e source of is (o*ers. -ut Pic$nett and Prince5s t esis is t at all t e indications are t at t is ne* religion% stemming as muc from early c annelled communications *it !ro*ley &ac$ in t e early (art of t e last century from t ese Egy(tian @gods@% is fascistic as *ell as 6ust anot er form of fundamentalism. "nd% &ased on t e fear and denial around reactions to "!I0 and e'en )en !arey% I can *ell &elie'e it. -ut it as to &e ac$no*ledged t ere seems to &e an o'erla( *it !arey5s Starseed /ransmissions and t e scenarios and e'ents as descri&ed in -rad Steiger5s .ods of ";uarius. / ere@s also an inter'ie* *it Jean Couston 7 * o *rote t e (reface to!arey5s Starseed /ransmissions. / e Egy(tian t eme is e'ident in Steiger5s &oo$. / e main difference% to my mind% and t is may &e t e crux of t e matter% is t at t e !arey c annellings% unli$e / e 3nly Planet of ! oice% come in a @! ristian@ context% and t is seems to &e anat ema to !I. Cis &iogra( y on Rudol( Steiner (retty muc dismisses t e im(ortance of Jesus in is meta( ysics and cosmology. It5s also% as you mig t ex(ect% anat ema to aficionados of !ro*ley% &ut it5s as *ell to (oint out t at R"I asL ad 0 to say on !arey5s S/% t oug t ere is

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a (reoccu(ation *it !ro*ley all t roug !osmic /rigger 1 and in later &oo$s. / is seems almost 6u'enile to me on all t eir (arts% not least !I and R"I% as t e !ourse and !arey s ifts t e JesusL! rist t eme on to a * ole ot er le'el 7 turns it around com(letely. R"I did *rite on P)# and / e -lac$ Iron Prison of t e .nostics and #ic$@s &elief t at @t e Em(ire ne'er ended%@ t at t ese are t e end times% and Jesus as c osen to ma$e is ma$e is come&ac$ in our lifetime% and surrounds t e &ios( ere of t is (lanet. " notion I@m inclined to dismiss as dualistic. -ut it isn@t necessarily% if one can acce(t t e conce(t of t e fusion of s(irit and matter rat er t an feeling one as to acce(t it as a literal 6oining. -efore &eginning studying "!I0 t*enty years ago% I too$ it for granted t at anyone * o concerned t emsel'es *it Jesus in any form *as as good as &eing an idiot. "n a&solute *et. "ny tal$ of Jesus or t e Coly S(irit *as synonymous *it t e ! urc and c urc goers and t at *as for t e (syc ologically deluded. 3r is% as !I5s (rotagonist .erard Sorme (ut it in Ritual In / e #ar$% is first no'el% for Et e intellectually uncom(licated%F t oug I see e'en t at as &eing inaccurate% strictly s(ea$ing% as t ese (eo(le are anyt ing &ut% in t e s eer com(lexity of t eir &i?arre (ro6ections and o&fuscation of t eir denial, not a * ole *orld a*ay from t e inconsistencies I5m descri&ing ere. -rad Steiger does a'e a ! ristian a((roac it seems% as is e'ident in is u(dated &oo$ / e Re'elation 7 a &it too traditionally religious and ne* agey for me in some *ays+ I@m not really into t is Pentecostal stuff, (u&lis ed in 1NK3% originally. I *as still at sc ool at t e time+ * en I &ot ered to go% t at is. I ordered it in 200K after reading a&out it in a re'ie* in <exus 0aga?ine. "ometime in 2 # 3ut and a&out in to*n% $ee(ing my eyes and ears (eeled 8 aO9... 3ne of t e community (olicers of t e uni'erse (assed &y. " memory of c ild ood came to mind. 2or some reason I ad t is image of =t e (ur(le man5% * o aunted =/ e Ha*5 Cill. It usually came to me * en it *as dar$. I t in$ I ad frea$ed myself out one e'ening &y staying u( t ere too long% mistiming it for *al$ing &ac$ ome. "ll

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t ose monsters of t e unconscious t at come floating to mind% only t is time I fixated on a (ur(le man% as I say. Ransac$ing my memory% a $ind of "laddin5s !a'e of (o(ular culture since c ild ood I came u( *it a 'ague memory of an e(isode from t e original S2 series% / e 3uter Himits. Suffice to to say it scared t e cra( out of me% t oug at fi'e or six years old% it *as a re'elation. / ese community &o?os ere in to*n% go around in (ur(le dress, 6ac$et and trousers. It@s li$e a semi+comic sym(tom of a (syc edelic totalitarian ta$eo'er. -ro*n s irts *ould 6ust &e too dull I su((ose, t ey *ouldn@t stand out. / ey *ould% of course% &ut t at *ould &e far too o'ert% and t is is a com(letely different situation% a((arently. / is time it@s genuinely necessary. Just li$e e'ery ot er time. Just to carry on my analogy from earlier% one as to *onder 7 or I do 7 o* t e cra?yma$ers% t e gaslig ters% t e narcissistic tric$sters% t e no+ cons(iracy t eorists rationalise t eir lies to t emsel'es. / e claims of (aranoia% exaggeration% (ro&a&le mental illness, as muc usually im(lied, *e don@t *ant t at too co'ert as t e idea is to (ut and $ee( it in t e (u&lic5s mind. "nd / ey@re t e (u&lic of course% so t ey *ould $no* if t eir *as anyt ing Ieird going on. <o(e% all is *ell% e'eryt ing is under control. -ut as uge factions are ta$ing (art in t is co'ert discrimination and *arfare% it comes &ac$ to disassem&ling. / ese are t e same (eo(le * o laug at t e notion N11 may a'e &een orc estrated &y factions inside and &e ind t e 1S go'ernment. "nyone * o could e'en contem(late suc a notion is o&'iously one of t e !ra?ies. It@s all silly nonsense &y loony cons(iracy t eorists of course. / ere are no cons(iracies. In t e meantime% t ey@ll carry on *it t eir narcissistic% (syc o(at ic cra?yma$ing orses it% feeling su(erior% im(ortant% and cle'er% an integral cog in t e mac ine% *it out * ic t e * ole t ing mig t &rea$ do*n% 6ust &ecause / eir go'ernment says so. 2actions of t e go'ernment% t at is. !o'ert factions% not e'en $no*n to t emsel'es% exce(t t ey are ex(ected to (lay t eir (art in t e &igger (icture. " (icture t ey neit er $no* nor see exce(t on t eir o*n le'el of o(erations. It@s all sanctioned from Ea&o'e.F It@s li$e some cra?y (yramid sc eme% a all of mirrors% *it no real foundation, a ouse of cards t at *ill come cras ing do*n or

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fade into t e not ingness it stemmed from * en enoug (eo(le reali?e it@s a confidence tric$% a megalomaniac fantasy. <o *onder / ey@re all so insecure% and * ere ea'y+ andedness is norm. / ey@re li$e t e $id t at $ee(s is finger in t e dam so it doesn@t &rea$ t roug % o'er* elming t e 'illage. / ey 6ust ne'er gras( t at e'eryt ing is of t e mind% t at lo'e is all. <ot c ea( tric$s and games. / ere are so many istorical antecedents for t is idiotic situation. Citler@sLt e <a?is &urning of t e Reic stag% 3(eration <ort *ood% * ere factions of t e 1S go'ernment cons(ired to assassinate / eir o*n citi?ens along *it !u&an emigrates as a (retext to go to *ar. Joe Pu&ic isn@t too concerned a&out (olitical e'ents Efar a*ayF or * at a((ens to (eo(le t ey don@t $no*. =.S@s5 are more concerned *it fitting in * ere t ey are rig t no*% and e'eryt ing t at entails, carrying on t eir c ildis % doomed relations i(s and a'ing a roof o'er t eir eads and food on t e ta&le. E'eryone and e'eryt ing else is 6ust secondary% irrele'ant. "nd if t at calls for an automatic dou&let in$ and dissociation% so &e it. / en *e@ll &e one &ig dou&le+t in$ing dissociated a((y family. 3nce M0 (Lc of t e (o(ulation as necessarily &een reduced of course% eradicated% murdered. / e good citi?ens% t e =no+cons(iracy5 t eorists% *ill go rig t on along *it it% (laying t eir (art% all t e * ile denying anyt ing unto*ard is going on% * ile in t e midst of murder% as is a((ening no*. 3nly% it as to more co'ert at t e moment. -ut t e targets% directly ex(eriencing * at is going on% are t e ones a'ing a taste of t e future in t e (resent. P ili( ) #ic$ *as uncannily (rescient all along, e $ne* * ere it *as all eading. / e ne* fascist *orld order *ouldn@t 6ust emerge full+&lo*n% &ut *ould cree( into existence &y degrees% t e totalitarian ti(toe as Ic$e as called it. / e (at ological narcissists% t e (syc o(at s a'e al*ays &een snea$y% *eig ing you u(% $no*ing * en to flatter and ta$e ad'antage% and * en to dra* &ac$% &iding t eir time% all t e &etter to consolidate / eir (ercei'ed ad'antage. If (eo(le $ne* * at t e goal *as% t e *orld / ey a'e in mind for t em% and 6ust o* unrelia&le% o* destructi'e and treac erous+ minded it is% t ey *ould &e far less com(lacent a&out * at it is t ey t in$ t ey@re 6oining and contri&uting to for t e Egeneral good.F / e (lutocracyL(at ocracy *ill al*ays a'e t e mediocrities to do t eir

14

&idding. -ut if t ey truly &elie'ed in it% and t at e'eryone else &elie'ed in it too% t ey *ouldn@t &e so snea$y a&out it. !learly% t ey $no* it isn@t (laying &y t e rules% t at% as in t e case of =gangstal$ing5% it@s illegal. 3stensi&ly% on a surface le'el% it seems to &e a&out resentment and atred o'er (eo(le t ey see as (arasites% useless% or dangerous, a situation t e same mindset as as often set u( itself, o* con'enient for t em. " E(arallel 6ustice system%F for t e criminals or (otential criminals * o a'e fallen t roug t e crac$s, or so t ey &elie'e. -ut it@s as muc a&out silencing anyone * o doesn@t s are t is (at ologically s$e*ed 'ie* of t e *orld% seeing t em as trou&lema$ers% re&els% ma'eric$s, * en it@s a&out &eing normal% or as normal as (ossi&le and trying to ma$e t e &est of t ings. If you a'e done somet ing *rong in your life t en you can ma$e t e &est of it &y forgi'ing yourself for * at ne'er a((ened in reality. "nyt ing else only fosters and reinforces t e unconscious attraction to guilt. / ey *ould Eforgi'eF * at really a((ened% inter(reting e'ery mista$e as an irredeema&le sin. -ut sins can ne'er &e forgi'en% only mista$es can. / e (ur(ose of seeing mista$es as sins is so t ey can ne'er &e forgi'en. "nd t at is ma$ing your (eace *it .od. <o one can forgi'e you for your sa$e% only t eir o*n. / e idea t at a (riestly caste% morally su(erior to you can set t emsel'es u( to gi'e out or *it old forgi'eness on your &e alf is a croc$% an act of stu(endous arrogance as far from lo'e as it@s (ossi&le to &e. "nd no one else can *it old lo'e or forgi'eness from you eit er% only yourself. Dour a((y community% t e self+a((ointed (olicers of t e uni'erse are t e Ene*F fundamentalism on t e &loc$. Dour local friendly neig &our ood In;uisition% t ey follo* t e same mindset and (lay &y t e same rules. / e In;uisition% for some (ercei'ed crime or eresy *ould ma$e (eo(le carry out t e same a&surd (unis ments for t e rest of t eir li'es. Dour local friendly neig &our ood co'ert community rednec$s and arassers are t e same. It@s as muc a sentence on t emsel'es% if only t ey $ne* it. Some .ood Samaritan as (ronounced a deat sentence on you, you@re (ercei'ed as eit er dangerous% useless% or &ot . " (erce(tion t at con'eniently negates * ate'er good *or$s you mig t &e ca(a&le of, t e arassment in itself *ill im(act your a&ility to function creati'ely% a situation t at ma$es it all t e easier for

1>

t e minions% t e mediocrities to dissem&le% rationalising and dismissing t eir o*n &e a'iour% a (retext for t eir o*n failures% as t e (erson can &e con'eniently dismissed. !ircular reasoning as al*ays. /ed -undy t oug t muc t e same *ay: EI at@s one (erson less on t e face of t e *orld any*ayGF 3nly% / ey a'e you (egged as /ed -undy. -ut murder% t e most einous crime of all% seems li$e not ing to t em% t e smir$ing% smiling $illers% &ecause it@s s(read out among t e many. / ey forget t at eac dreams se(arately and *ill a'e to face t em se(arately * en t ey come &ac$ in t e form of nig tmares. <o one can deal *it t e guilt of ta$ing (art in murder% &ased on (re6udice% insinuation% distortion% or suggestion. 3r esca(e it e'en if t ey did feel it 6ustified% as (ro6ecting guilt% e'en if a co'ert go'ernment sanctions and sanctifies it% is o* to $ee( it, no one is a&o'e .od% go'ernments included% and% as "!I0 says% lo'e doesn@t murder to sa'e. / e moralists a'e al*ays committed t e *orst crimes in t e name of morality or t e (ursuit of it. / e tyrannically inclined% * et er <a?is% t e !at olic ! urc or ot ers% and t eir minions a'e committed e'ery atrocity you care to mention on t ose / ey set u( and claim to (rotect. / ere@s a 'i'id descri(tion in !olin Iilson@s " !riminal Cistory of 0an$ind of a c ild &eing &urned ali'e &y some fundamentalist religious nut% con'inced t e &oy is t e de'il% * ile t e $id is saying no% e@s Eof t e Coly S(irit.F :uite incredi&le. -ut if / ey don@t li$e you% or see you as dangerous% e'en (otentially% / ey@ll &urn you and your $ids too. Iaco is t e (roof of t at. I li$ed t e *ar(ed reasoning for t at% clearly 6ust a (retext: EIe t oug t * en t e &uilding caug t fire 8/ ey set it alig t9% t ey *ould exit itLcome out.F /ranslation: "nd if you don@t% you can all &urn% you fuc$ers. / ey already $ne* t e #a'idians sa* t emsel'es as martyrs. / ey *ere ;uite a((y to (lay along *it )ores 5s delusions% &ac$ing t em into a corner% literally. Hi$e any good murderous (syc o(at % t ey extracted t e information t ey needed in order to destroy t em% &ut =accidentally5% co'ertly. / e massacre could &e idden &e ind circumstances% seen as a =tragic5 mista$e% or a miscalculation. "s if / ey ga'e a rat@s ass. "rse. / ey $e(t t em a*a$e all nig t *it t e sounds of ra&&its &eing slaug tered t roug louds(ea$ers. <ot a 'ery nice t ing to do to $ids. -ut t at could &e &lamed on t e adults for not coming out. If someone did t at to t eir

1B

$ids t ey@d *ant to $ill t em. / ey mig t *ant to $ill )ores for &eing an o((ortunist (ederast% and t e ot er $oo$s and cultists for going along *it it% &ut t at needn@t negate &urning ali'e t eir ells(a*n of t e damned eit er. / ey@d only gro* u( to ate t em and t e go'ernment any*ay% not to mention (rocreate% t en our good &rot ers and sisters in atred and genocide mig t a'e t e same &ulls it to deal *it all o'er again. Sim(ler to get rid of t e * ole goddamn lot of t em. " &unc of cults. "ren@t / ey all. -is o(s in t e !at olic ! urc *ere o'er6oyed to side *it t e <a?is against t e Je*s during t e second *orld *ar% and el( ig er ran$ing <a?is esca(e * en t e *ar *as o'er. "nyone can ma$e a mista$e% &ut * en t*o (riests are 'ying *it eac ot er to see * o can &e t e first to sodomise a $id one undred times eac % as I read recently% you really a'e to face t e fact t ese (eo(le a'e little intention of learning &y t eir mista$es, and% as t ey seem to genuinely &elie'e in t e reality and irre'ersi&ility of sin% it@s clear t ey@re a case of dissociation (ar excellence% rationalising t at t eir &e a'iour is &ased on =lo'e5% * en ;uite o&'iously it@s t e reflection of moral &an$ru(tcy. "nd not only% t at% as clearly as in t e a&o'e instance t ey couldn@t e'en claim it *as consensual% o*e'er illegal% &ut it@s as muc a reflection of t e attraction to sin and guilt% a tric$ of t e ego+mind t roug * ic t ey@ll ne'er &e a&le to extricate t emsel'es. <ot &y t eir o*n &ootstra(s. -ut t e (riestly caste *ere mimics and im(ostors from t e outset% engineered &y =t e de'il5 to &ore and confuse e'eryone as t e !arey material states. / ose scre*&alls don@t $no* t e first t ing a&out .od% forgi'eness% or redem(tion. 3r most of your smug% com(lacent% neig &ours% fre;uenting t eir c urc es and smir$ing in t*isted atred * en t e fundamentalists t at &e% let t em $no* it@s (erfectly acce(ta&le, t at / eir .od loo$s do*n on t em and a((ro'es% * en in fact% / eir goal as &een to a&olis .od all along. Some t in$ t ey &elie'e in .od and ot ers are more Eo'ertF in t eir &elief in and *ors i( of =Satan5% &ut li$e t e un*itting% grinning morons t at ser'e t em% t ey $ee( t at among t emsel'es too. "ll 2riends Cere. "ll you can do is stri'e to stay a&o'e it. If it amuses you% laug and ma$e faces &ac$ at t e self+rig teous (o+faced t*on$s. Des% t ey sco*l too% * en t ey@re not smir$ing% and smir$ing &ac$ to eac ot er in facile self+

1K

satisfaction. It@s all atred of course% to*ards t emsel'es and eac ot er. / ey 6ust ne'er Eget it.F / e (enny ne'er dro(s. / e a*areness ne'er comes. / ey ne'er gro* u(. / ey t in$ *or$ and !ouncils and committees are gro*n u(% ergo / ey are too. / ey really are t at o&tuse. !or(oreal% *orldly (o*er is all. / e ego@s su&stitute for .od% for real (o*er. #um& fuc$s% one and all. / ey need t eir eads@ examined. Co* did I get on to t isG 3 yea % t e (lon$ers in (ur(le (atrolling t e streets. I *as t in$ing t at (er a(s my early (reoccu(ation *it t e Pur(le 0an *as a c ild@s glim(se of a frig tening future. Pro&a&ly not% &ut it@s an intriguing t oug t. -ut one s ould &e a*are of t e im(lications of t ese seemingly innocuous de'elo(ments. What is going on with this new series of V? I must make an effort to follow it more closely. The Visitors- the aliens... we learn that they are the originators of the military-industrial-comple ! the cause of all the wars and misery of the world! and the economic meltdown. I thought that was supposed to "e due to the #eptilians. $h! "ut they are #eptilians of course! as is no secret to anyone who%s seen the original series! "roadcast "ack in &'(! in the )*! "ut shown on the +ci-,i -hannel . now +yfy . many times since. The /uestion is! am I to assume it%s the V%s that are the pro"lem! and the government as a whole are as much a victim of them as the rest of the population are to "e? 0r to put it another way! I suppose it could "e interpreted as a clever way of criticising the government in the guise of "laming it on malevolent e traterrestrials. 0r... is it an even slyer way of letting the government off the hook! so to speak! through turning 1conspiracy theories2 on their head! to deflect attention from where the real source of the pro"lem lies! presenting possi"le events as fantasy? 3Well! as +tan +mith might say... hmm...4 5ow that really would "e sinister. 5ot forgetting that the real source of everything is the ego-mind. 6ut if there%s any truth at all in the #eptilian scenario! it would follow that factions of the government and others would "e involved7 the richest and most materialistically oriented! the glo"al 1elite!2 who look down in contempt and disgust over the minions7 though they%re happy to have Them do their "idding! I%m sure. I wouldn%t dou"t it for a moment. Then! a few episodes into the series! the resistance discover

1M

the vaccines the aliens have prepared for the decimation of the population. These are to replace the 1legitimate2 vaccines! prepared "y the government. The aliens are mimics through and through. )nlike the legitimate government! who are of course! upstanding! conscientious guys and gals! one and all. I%m stretching it a "it. 6ut again! we have the same conundrum. It%s as if it%s playing to "oth "elievers and sceptics. $nd skeptics. That it%s /uite "rilliantly am"iguous! in that it can "e interpreted either way. 0r I8m completely "affled9o"tuse. $t worst! it will "e seen simply as a criticism of the :T6 . powers that "e . for overreacting and scaremongering. 5o government and other "odies would ever conspire to methodically murder vast swathes of Their own populations. 5o! They%d get the cretins to do it! and other followers! who never /uestion the good will of the system. The &scaremongers8 are of course! the whistle-"lowers7 the conspiracy theorists! and other 1paranoids.2 Then there%s the scene where the matriarch alien leader "asks her followers in a pseudoheavenly light! where all guilt over the past and fear of the future is forgotten . I%m paraphrasing7 it ;ust melts away... <ust 1one ongoing moment of time.2 Whatever the hell that means. It%s the "elief in linear time that%s the pro"lem. It could mean living continuously in the present. 6ut as it%s :sycho $liens we%re talking a"out! it must "e a counterfeit! the continuation of the &unholy instant8 one might say. 5ow to me! this does seem /uite sinister. =es! I know it%s supposed to "e7 "ut again! not /uite for the reasons one might assume. I%m not /uite sure yet what the intention is. 0f any of it. What I do know is! that the pseudo mystical e perience or &enlightenment8 episode immediately "rought to mind the holy instant of $ -ourse In Miracles! and the &/uantum instant8 of *en -arey%s Third Millennium! and other "ooks! not to mention the &holy moment8 of :hilip * >ick! as descri"ed in the penultimate scene of the semi animated film Waking ?ife7 all a metaphor for the +econd -oming7 itself a metaphor for the transformation of consciousness7 of the mind. 0stensi"ly not so different from the scene as portrayed in V! though that could also "e descri"ed as a holy instant! a miraculous moment in time! a partial healing of the mind and reflection of eternity e perienced within linear time su";ectively. 0nly! it%s su"verted into its opposite. The

1N

/uantum instant! as I understand it! is a moment of non-time! which e pands into 3or unto4 eternity! and that everyone will e perience at the same time. It%s when the self meets the +elf! already on its way to meet us! the end of the egos rule! the +econd -oming of -hrist. +ynonymous with the $-IM%s definition of living in the real world7 the same world! "ut a reflection of a mind transformed in the light of forgiveness. Whether forgiven or unforgiven! "oth worlds are still illusory! a pro;ection of the mind. 5or is the second coming to "e confused with the end of the world in any sense or "ecoming one with @od . which is the end of the world7 a world that never truly e isted from the outset. $ thought which likely has the fundamentalists /uaking in Their oversiAed "oots. Me too sometimes. This! ;ust in case it isn%t glaringly o"vious already! is the BCDB event! the &moment of /uantum awakening8. $gain! formal or organised religion will have no truck with this stuff. Theirs is a world very much of "odies! the literal. The metaphorical! the sym"olic! has little place in it insofar as it reinforces the former. <esus! will of course "e &coming "ack8 in the clouds! in might and glory! with his army of warrior angels . a virtual o ymoron in itself . to pretty much wipe the floor and ceiling with +atan and the $nti-hrist and all his dark minions in the 6attle of $rmageddon... well! you know how it goes. Euestioning their own thought-system and the premises on which it%s "ased has no place in their world. The seeming reality of the world! made "y the ego part of our own minds has them well hoodwinked. $nd most of the rest of us. +o I%m thinking . and I%m not sure yet! I hasten to add . that the premise9s "ehind the script of V might "e secular in more ways than one7 in that it seems to "e the standard skeptics and fear-"ased view! whether atheist! &religious8! or anywhere in "etween! of pro"a"le upcoming transformative events long predicted! even if! for me! that means discovering it ;ust over twenty years "efore. 6ut that%s still a long time to contemplate it and keep an eye on it. Most of the 5ew $gers are as literal in their outlook as are the &scientific8 and &religious8 deniers of the genuinely numinous. 0n the other hand! the series could well "e a welcome warning of the dangers of the alien impostors! and more earth"ound impostors! whether in the guise of the :T6! along with your more average garden variety

20

narcissist and psychopath as neigh"our! "est friend! lover! or relative. $nd now there%s the revelations of sorts! of the /uite "iAarre affiliations of assorted mediocre cele"s and musos . and not so mediocre . as is revealed through ,ace"ook! if the ,riend icons are anything to go "y! to the #aelien ),0 cult as well as assorted and myriad connections! thousands! apparently! to various infamous factions of the 5ew World 0rder. 30r! if you don%t "elieve in that sort of thing! the 5ew World 0rder4. I notice the $rcturians get lam"asted too for "eing &involved8. +ome of the criticisms I%ve seen seem to more than imply that taking the notion of &ascension8 into a higher dimension seriously! is clearly suspect or plain nuts! and all higher dimensional entities must "e a Very 6ad Thing. Why not ;ust throw in the $shtar -ommand and the @alactic ,ederation of :lanets too? 0r the @alactic ,eds as I like to call them. 3:laying their own tricks on the Illuminati! apparently! such as aligning themselves with stars in the sky! to "e mistaken for them4. The source of the ET DCD material. True! I have trou"le with their version of <esus as +ananda... travelling along with them... on their part "iological spaceships... I%d prefer to think they mean it metaphorically. 6ut ET DCD is so sane! informative! and sophisticatedly hilarious! I%m willing to gloss over it for the time "eing. $nd anyway! this doesn%t come up in ET DCD itself! "ut in other material online. ET DCD emphasises the &inner -hrist8! that we are -hrist7 if we only knew it. It would "e a pity if those $rturians turned out to "e a crock! as it always puts me in mind of Voyage To $rcturus! the classic novel "y >avid ?indsey . much championed "y -olin Wilson and others. 5ot that it should "e taken for granted e traterrestrials are spiritually developed ;ust "ecause they seem to have the power to travel interdimensionally at will. ,rom what I understand of it they seem to suffer from the same misapprehension as the megalomaniacs that follow and "elieve in them . confusing cleverness with wisdom... intelligence. $nd that%s ;ust stupid. -leverness! comple ity! is une/uivocally of the ego. +o there are naff e traterrestrials with "ad intentions. What else is new? There%s crap channelling too. ?ots of it. 6ut we don%t hear as much as we might! in a positive light! a"out the more authentic and life-changing material! such as the aforementioned $-IM! and *en -arey. 5ot in

21

&secular8 and conventionally religious circles. $nd even less so will you hear them mentioned in the same "reath. $nd! there%s the erudite and supremely funny! ET DCD! as I say! which makes reference also to other less developed deniAens of the universe! in evolutionary terms! not to mention yours truly of course7 homo sapiens7 themselves only an epiphenomenon of the separation! as we are! along with the rest of everything else manifest in duality. This doesn%t come up in ET DCD. I8m paraphrasing *en Wapnick. If they%re kept separate! hidden! then comparisons can%t "e made. They can "e attacked separately! through o"fuscation and distortion. The ego can%t really deal with the -ourse! as that%s what it%s here for7 to dispel our most cherished illusions. +o we have otherwise apparently perfectly rational people stating all manner of nonsense a"out $-IM! twisting supposed evidence! making ar"itrary connections to suit their argument. $ common one is that the -ourse is &a -I$ mind-control device...8 engineered "y! and originating with the -I$. This is supposedly due to William Thetford%s . a colleague of the &scri"e8 of the -ourse! Felen +chucman . involvement with the -I$%s notorious 3or dia"olical! as the religionists would say4 M*)ltra pro;ect. $le -onstantine! and $lan Watt come to mind. 0therwise! I%m happy to read them avidly. Impostors such as &The Master Teacher8! only add to the confusion. 0r distortion. 6ut as the late <oe <esseph has pointed out and very articulately and informatively 3look it up4! many people worked under the aegis of the M*)ltra program! "ut! in a genuinely altruistic or constructive capacity! including the illustrious psychologist -arl #ogers. +o it%s a case of conflation and o"fuscation! looking to tar the -ourse with the same "rush. The -arey material is attacked through other forms of the same tactic. Which amounts to form of virtual conspiracy! from seemingly disparate! "ut related sources! even if it%s only in their own minds. In short! it isn%t good enough. The premise of V may well "e "ased on the same misconceptions or mistake7 throwing out the "a"y with the "athwater. $nd that can "e as much a reflection of our unconscious fear of the truly numinous! and of @od. The pseudo-awakening event near the end of the third episode of V! is of course! mind control. 6ut one could say that the ultimate in mind control or "rainwashing! certainly disinformation! is to present what could free us as that which is out to

22

imprison us. I can picture a scenario where the &/uantum instant8! the moment of awakening! is intentionally distorted! o"scured! through unconscious fear! and conflated with the false awakening or #apture! whether the literalistic one of the -hurch or supposedly of the aliens7 if there is an actual e traterrestrial &rapture8! however false. The -atholic #apture was an invention of the late DGth century. +ome are saying this is false! as the -atholic -hurch and some others are of &+atan8. :sychologically! may"e. :erhaps they%re ;ust looking to "lame the aliens for them too. The -hurch! the Vatican! 5aAis! the -I$! the military-occult-comple ... Fistorically! They all "lur into each other anyway. The mindset and actions in tandem are very similar. They%re all death cults. Then there%s the &false rapture8 or similar events through the 5W0! the :T6! the military-industrialcomple ! through pro;ecting events into the sky on to ionised cloud formations7 clouds. :ro;ect 6lue"eam. $ possi"le e planation for chemtrails! as someone speculated7 not forgetting that it can also "e part of the electromagnetic soup as a whole! and a chemical "lock specifically and literally intended to halt or hinder the upcoming transformation. If that%s the reason9s! then that%s even craAier than anything anyone can say a"out even considering any aspect of BCDB seriously. 6ut of course They%ll try and tell you it%s all craAy. =ou too. Then there%s the creation . the making of! would "e more accurate . &artificial "iological entities8! that will man the ships! &),0s8! that are so advanced technologically they could "e easily mistaken for the &real8 thing 3wtf?4. +o is this false &rapture8! this false awakening! the &creation8 of the &aliens8 or of the 5ew World 0rder? It%s simple enough to speculate that the glo"al &elite8 is the willing 3witting?4 or unwitting pawns of those e traterrestrials that are out to enslave us! supposedly of the #eptoid race! along with other races such as the 0rions! and of course! those supercreepy little fellows9runts! the @reys- though the @reys are under the #eptilians control. +upposedly. That the 5ew World 0rder is working in tandem with the #eptilians etc.7 playing the same tricks and games now! and in the future! "uilding up to the Main Event! a fake rapture show and fake invasion... #ight! so the &real8 aliens are out to enslave and invade us!

23

however indirectly! "y presenting it as a fake invasion along with a false rapture? +o are we to "e fooled into welcoming them or fearing them? I assume we%re not supposed to fear then through the false rapture? +o what%s the point of a false &invasion?8 Even as a cover for a real invasion. I can understand it if the :T6 wanted to mimic the more "enevolently inclined e traterrestrials! say! so we see them as threatening. 6ut that would "e "ased on the supposition they would choose to make themselves known une/uivocallyH en masse. I would seriously dou"t their intentions should "e interpreted so literally. That%s attempting to second-guess a level of mind we don%t understand! whether positively or negatively. 6ut that would "e typical of our unseen leaders! I think $nalogous to +eti dictating how e traterrestrials might communicate with us when! clearly! they have their own ideas7 and ;ust as it says in V! they%re already here7 and have "een for years. 6ut so has the -arey material! so has ET DCD. +o have millions of ),0 reports. They choose not to see the wood for the trees. 6ut it would "e typically ironic that a more accurate assessment of the situation is that the e traterrestrial presence is interpreted literally! for all the official dismissal and ridicule of sightings! and the &paranormal8 in general. The predicta"le secular e/uivalent of the conventionally religious fundamentalists who "elieve the +econd -oming is the actual coming of <esus. +o! is the fake invasion to mimic and deflect from what they "elieve is a real invasion of "enevolent e traterrestrials who intend to take their . the power of the elite . away 3and naturally! they%re not a"out to take that lying down4 as well as to fool and convince us that their intentions are malevolent? $ case of &aliens8 made in our own image . or Theirs. We9They are the aliens. $nd that there%s no actual alien invasion! at least not of the "enevolent entities! and anyway! most of the footsoldiers! the minions putting any of these scenarios into action won%t even "elieve in e traterrestrials7 most of them. $s far as They%re concerned it%s all a"out fooling a gulli"le pu"lic in order to further the goals of the "rave &5ew8 World 0rder! along with their own grand place in it of course! "lissfully unaware or unconcerned as to ;ust how dispensa"le they are7 whereas it%s more than ;ust pro"a"le the :T6 very much do "elieve in e traterrestrials! ;ust not the more "enevolently orientated ones! or! rather! they do! "ut

24

"eing incredi"ly o"tuse 3and insane . incapa"le of recognising the real enemy . as much themselves4 too! They refuse to heed their messages and warnings! defending themselves against an invasion that will never happen in the "elief They can stave off a hostile one! a takeover! "y ;oining with Them . the #eptoids and the rest7 keeping on Their good side! in the misguided "elief they have one! and will genuinely share n the spoils! as always. If they genuinely e ist. 0r They "elieve They do. 0r the whole thing is an ela"orate hoa to further Their own ends. To further the #eptoids ends! more like. If They e ist. It looks like they do. 6ut if all of this a"surd! ela"orate scenario... a pathetic attempt to delay and prevent the inevita"leI If BCDB! the &/uantum awakening8 turns out to "e a crock too! well that%s fine. It will never alter the fact the $tonement is real and the +econd -oming is inevita"le. 5ot "ecause I%m so emotionally attached to it or that I can%t look &reality8 in the face7 "ut "ecause these are the only things that are real. 6ut for me it%s long past the stage where the notion of it "eing a crock! a hoa and not coming a"out is a"out as incredi"le as the thought that it will7 that it%s &inevita"le8. " good (oint to end on for t e time &eing% &ut contrarily% I@ll carry on as I don@t feel ;uite finis ed yet... It@s t e = oly instant5 as(ect% t e moment of nontime... t at stays in mind. / e u(coming% (ur(orted ;uantum a*a$ening of us all% &y 2012. "nd t at all of t ese con'oluted scenarios% * et er =real5 or =imaginary5 7 es(ecially t e (resentation of it as a fa$e or false a*a$ening% and t at t is in itself+ t e &elief in it 7 could &e as muc a defence against t e real t ing. -ecause again% * at do extraterrestrials need *it an in'asion% o*e'er &ene'olentG 8Sudden de6a 'oodoo moment, a'e I said t is &eforeG9% * en t e transformation of consciousness% of (syc ological orientation% t e galactic e'ent 7 =galactic sync ronisation5 7 isn@t of t emG "nd is t e end of all t e dum& artificial sync ronisation 8intended also as (art of t e onslaug t to &loc$ t e connection to our ig er self9 of t e im(ostors and self+decei'ers. / eir role% as I understand it% is only to inform and assist in t e transformation% * et er &lending =(syc ically5 or influencing us in more su&tle *ays% indi'idually and collecti'ely. I at *ould &e t e (oint of a full scale =in'asion5 if *e@re a&out to ex(erience a radical s ift in consciousness

2>

in any caseG "fter * ic % umanity as a * ole *ould &e a&le to countenance suc an e'ent. It@s o&'ious enoug *e can &arely co(e *it t e notion of 2012% let alone get along toget er. / e media as a * ole or in general% still fosters t is &ac$*ard notion t at to ta$e 2012 and t e 0ayan !alendar seriously is synonymous *it t e &elief in t e end of t e *orld% (ortraying (eo(le as sim(le+minded fantasists or a &it crac$ed. Same t ingG 3r fanatics. They're t e ones * o &elie'e in it. / ey@re t e literalists% t e sim(listic+minded ones. / ey@re t e ones * o fear t e real meaning of it% * o foster a &elief in a fa$e Ra(ture and a ostile alien ta$eo'er. / at@s t e (ro&a&le meaning &e ind statements t at *e s ould rally toget er in t e face of =an alien t reat5. / ey@re t e =aliens5. Ie@re not Eall in t is toget erF at all. / ey@re out for / emsel'es% as al*ays% as as% a((arently% &een in o(eration o'er t ousands of years% and no* *e@re at t e =End .ame5% t e &iggest con of all. It@s t ose * o cons(ire * o say t ere are no cons(iracies% only cons(iracy t eories% I@'e found% certainly on an indi'idual le'el% &ur also collecti'ely% as *it =gangstal$ing5. Peo(le / ey see as lone 'oices to &e ;uietly and snea$ily silenced% &y t e mimics on t e street% your e'eryday cra?yma$ers, 6ust a&out e'eryone you $no*. 2e* a'e esca(ed t e gro*ing contagion% of atred% t e mindset of% and (lague of murder. -ut t e !arey material said t e *orld *ould (olarise into t*o cam(s% and t at *as &ac$ in 1NM2. 8"lso t e year P ili( ) #ic$ died9. <o one said it *ould al*ays &e o'ert. In fact P)# ad long (redicted it *ould &e somet ing far su&tler. I t in$ t e P/- ta$e 'ery seriously indeed * at t ey (ur(ort to &e ridiculous delusions% t roug / eir &oug t off% unconsciously fear+stric$en recognised c annels 7 t e media and ot er (rofessional s$e(tics. I t in$ (art of t e (ro&lem% and t e reason some find t is so unli$ely% is &ecause *e don@t understand t e extent of / eir dissociation. It doesn@t ma$e any sense to us t at many (eo(le can old t*o contradictory ideas at t e same time, t at &ecause it isn@t understanda&le and ma$es no sense% it doesn@t exist t erefore. -ut t at@s to underestimate t e insanity of t is *orld@s mindset% t at many (eo(le are literally s(lit (ersonalities. If t is sound5s far fetc ed% consider t at some (eo(le * o are une;ui'ocally against t e <e* Iorld 3rder are 6ust as une;ui'ocally against " !ourse In 0iracles%

2B

and% most li$ely% &oo$s suc as t e Starseed /ransmissions and / e / ird 0illennium% seeing t em as a force for =e'il5. / ey a'e t at in common at least *it e'ery ot er fundamentalist% * et er con'entionally religious or secular 7 t e (seudo+scientists claiming to &e real scientists 7 t e Susan -lac$more@s and Ric ard #a*$ins%@ * o refuse to consider t e findings of =t eir5 o*n science t at tells us t at on t e ;uantum le'el% =reality5 can &e &ot (article and *a'e% and t at t e o&ser'er and consciousness is integral to t e (rocess 7 as *ell as t e <e* "gers * o can@t deal *it "!I0% * ic as )en Ia(nic$ once (ut it% is a&o'e anyt ing t e <e* "ge as to offer. / e !arey material can &e seen as =<e* "ge5 and is classed as suc % &ut it@s of suc a (rofound and su&tle nature% it ta$es me a&out as far as I@m ca(a&le of going% in terms of com(re ension, of &ot . I at unites many of &ot t e (ros and cons on t e <I3 and certainly t eir detestation of t e !ourse% is a ca(acity for distortion% o&fuscation% omission, often do*nrig t disinformation I at does t at say a&out us * en t ey see and (resent t emsel'es as some of t e most discerning (eo(le on t e (lanetG I@m sure t e "!I0 doesn@t need my defence, t at it can ta$e care of itself% t oug let@s not forget students of "!I0 often succum& to t e same elitism. "s Ia(nic$ mig t say% t ey5re t e *orst for it. "nd t at it@s all a&out s(ecialness 7 t e &elief% t e em( asis on differences% (reser'ing our indi'iduality t at is fearful in t e face of t e numinous% t e transcendent% and t e a&stract. "nd% ine'ita&ly% *ill see t e coming of t e Hig t as somet ing alien and ostile% a t reat to self. It@s all a&out denial and (ro6ection% t e em( asis on form o'er content. -ut I@'e gotten a ead of myself... PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP Somet ing came drifting &ac$ into mind recently, * ic is to say it@s al*ays &een t ere% only I@d forgotten. "nd it *as t at as I *as t in$ing a&out t e similarity to t e tactics of t e =gs5 minions to <arcissists I Ca'e )no*n 7 t at &ot are c ronic and met odical snea$y aggressors &ecomes 'ery a((arent 7 and as o&'ious t at t e gs and ot er offs oots suc as *or$(lace mo&&ing is t e collecti'e

2K

form of * at some ex(erience on an indi'idual le'el. =Professionals5% t e media% random and not so random trolls and disinfo agents *ill tell you t at t e (eo(le * o re(ort t is acti'ity are clearly delusional% in need of (syc iatric el(. / ey mig t consider t at according to t em% t ere are (retty muc no cons(iracies 7 or literally none% * en istory as demonstrated t e reality of many (olitical cons(iracies, t e *orld is a*as *it murder% often t e end result of murderous cons(iracies. / e istory of t e *orld is a istory of murder% as !olin Iilson said in is massi'e !riminal Cistory of 0an$ind% t oug ironically% e seems to a'e as muc trou&le acce(ting t e existence of cons(iracies as anyone else. ESnea$y%F or indirect aggression also a form of murder, it stems from a murderous im(ulse% or as "!I0 says% * at is not lo'e is murder. 8"nd also t at t e mere int of irritation is only a co'er for t e murderous anger t at underlies it9. /ry getting any of t ese snea$y aggressors% t e o&fuscators% t e (rofessional sce(tics to admit t at indirect% snea$y aggression e'en exists% certainly *it in t eir o*n milieu. "nd * y *ouldn@t it exist in grou( formG Det t ey *rote t e text&oo$s on it% suc as t e #iagnostic and Statistical 0anual of 0ental #isorders% t e so+called (syc iatrists5 &i&le. !on'ersely% one could say aggression and ostility% indirect or ot er*ise% is a gi'en% yet% according to some% t ere@s ne'er any 6ustifia&le reason to assume anyone at all as aggressi'e or ostile intentG / ere is a((arently% no e;ui'alent *ord for 6ustified =(aranoia5. Presuma&ly many of t e citi?ens under 0c!art yism and !ointel(ro *eren@t &elie'ed until t e (re6udice &ecame official (olicy% t en t ere *as no need to o&scure it in denial and o&fuscation any more. It seems clear enoug to me it@s a matter of credi&ility, and a 'ery selecti'e credi&ility. "nd as muc unconscious fear on t e (art of t e sce(tics as al*ays, t at it@s as muc a case of * o@s saying it as muc as * at@s &eing said. / e =gs5 strategies are &ased on t e same (rinci(le% if one can descri&e it as suc . / ey $no* t ey can get a*ay *it it &ecause it *on@t &e &elie'ed. Citler said muc t e same t ing. / ey c oose t eir targets carefully% and ty(ically% t at@s often t e (eo(le * ose ego and (lace in society is more ne&ulous and mallea&le t an your a'erage merc ant &an$er% say, no r yming slang intended. ="rc angelic extraterrestrial entities5 focused on t em for

2M

t e same reason% from t e mid+Sixties on*ards% as stated in )en !arey@s Starseed /ransmissions. "nd no* many of t em are focused on again% only *it less &ene'olent intentG -ut again% t is increasing (olarisation *as long (redicted. -ot t e stal$ers% instigated t roug t e glo&al =elite5% and t e s$e(tics miss t e (oint. / ey@re focusing on * at / ey see as a (ro&lem% an enemy * ere it doesn@t exist% in t e &elief t at &y *i(ing out &odies 7 destroying (eo(le 7 t at *ill remo'e t e =t reat5. -ut t e t reat isn@t of ot er uman &eings. I at is going to a((en *ill a((en in any case. Cumanity is only t e recei'ers of t is u(coming transformation of consciousness% not t e originators of it. / e error% a fundamental misunderstanding% is similar to t e (eo(le * o &elie'e t at it *ill ta$e a finite and s(ecific num&er of (eo(le to ti( t e scales for t is transformation of consciousness to a((en 7 =t e undredt mon$ey ( enomenon5% * ere a finite num&er of (eo(le@s minds come into r yt mic entrainment. -ut t is is to t in$ in terms of num&ers% of &odies, t e same mista$e t e minions ma$e% and e'ery co'ert fascistic tyranny t ere e'er *as% from t e =Coly5 In;uisition to t e !I"@s desta&ilisation and usur(ation of foreign go'ernments t roug esta&lis ing dictators in (lace of murdered democratically elected leaders. / e <e* "gers are as (rone to elitism in t eir o*n *ay. -ut s(ecialness and num&ers and entitlement and (ri'ilege a'e not ing to do *it it. If t ere@s not ing outside us% as "!I0 states% t en t ere@s no one and not ing to c ange. -ecause if you &elie'e t ere is% t en you &ecome 6ust anot er e'angelist% a fundamentalist% * ere some (eo(le are *ort y t roug flying t e flag for !on'ersion and ot ers are not. -ut c ange is of t e mind% ex(erienced in consciousness% t oug not of consciousness itself. / e mind is one. I et er umanity as indi'iduals c oose to acce(t t is or not is u( to t em 7 us. If it@s going to a((en 7 and I t in$ it is 7 it@s going to a((en. <or *ill any amount of attem(ting to destroy factions of t e (o(ulation as if t ey@re / e J+0en ma$e any difference to t is% o'erall. It@s only an attem(t to delay t e ine'ita&le. Scanners. / ey@ll stay ere &ecause it@s * at t ey *ant and t e rest *ill mo'e on% * et er in em&odiment or no. / e destruction of t e &ody ma$es no difference in terms of reality. !onsciousness =mo'es on5 or stays

2N

* ere it &elie'es it is &ecause it *ants to &e t ere 7 ere. "nd exactly t e same goes for t e gs minions and t e rest% deluded in t e &elief in safety in num&ers% &odies% as t ey are in t eir one+dimensional *orld and mindset. -ut t is (lain of existence is only a t in 'eil o'er reality% an illusory one in t e end and it can &e dissol'ed% * ile t ose * o@'e at least made t e effort to familiarise t emsel'es *it t eir true self can mo'e on during t e great transition. / e rest *ill inter(ret it as an attac$% an incursion alien to t emsel'es and * at t ey understand t emsel'es and ot ers to &e 7 or &elie'e t emsel'es to &e. "nd t at mig t 6ust &e =toug titty5. !arey@s / ird 0illennium tal$s a&out .ermany and Ja(an suffering from a s(ecific national disorder during t e 1N205s% and II11could a'e &een a'oided if certain ad6ustments ad &een made. It@s increasingly% unmista$a&ly clear to anyone * o isn@t in serious denial and (ro6ection t at *e@re in t e midst of a s(ecific international disorder no*% &ut centring on and t roug t e 1S". / e =*orld5% umanity% is losing its mind% and it@s glo&al no*. / e minions% t e (etty+minded enc men% from your local <a?i =neig &our ood *atc 5 and e;ui'alent in !ouncil and ot er local go'ernment &odies as *ell your friendly /esco and smaller stores and &usinesses to t e c ronic narcissists and (syc o(at s of t e <3I% are s(read *orld*ide. <o *onder t ey indulge / emsel'es in t ose ludicrous facile smir$s. / ey &elie'e t ey@re as good as omni(otent, certainly t e next &est t ing to it. -ut in / eir *orld% it all ends in deat and al*ays *ill as t at@s * at t ey *ant and t ey t in$ you s ould &elie'e in not ing &ut t at too, all in t e guise of lo'e and friends i( and &eing good &uddies of course, t e self+a((ointed (olicers of t e uni'erse. I ere *ould *e &e *it out t emQG / ey don@t $no* it yet% &ut R/ ey@re already dead. It *as o'er for t em &efore t ey e'en &egan to formulate t eir / eir silly little (lans and (syc o(at ic strategies. It goes no* ere and no* en% and t at@s * ere it *ill stay. It does seem *e need el( from outside of t e ego@s t oug t+system. / at ot er*ise% t e *orld is doomed to entro(ic colla(se under its o*n dead *eig t, t at% as is stated in / e 3nly Planet of ! oice% Eart causing an =e'olutionary &ottlenec$5 in t e uni'erse, so t e *ider uni'ersal community is o&liged to inter'ene. Ie@re inca(a&le of lifting oursel'es out of it &y our o*n &ootstra(s.

30

-ut I seriously dou&t t at means some Inde(endence #ay+style in'asion eit er. Jee? * at a gung o croc$ of cra( t at mo'ie *as. E'eryt ing t e aliens do is * at *e do 7 and *ould to ot er *orlds if *e got t e c ance, anot er good reason for it all to &e ni((ed in t e &ud. / e aliens are li$e t e gs and t e rest. / ey exist% &ut are iding in (lain sig t. -ut not all t e =aliens5 moti'es are t e same. 1nli$e t e *itless *ors i((ers of deat . -ut e'en / ey can c ange t eir mind. / ey Hi'e. Ca. / eir days% if only t ey $ne* it% *ere al*ays... num&ered. PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP I missed t e im(lications of my o*n argument. If t e =gs5 or% more accurately% t e P/-% do ta$e 2012 seriously+ t e u(coming transformation in consciousness% t en it follo*s% as I said% t at t ey5d misinter(ret it in t e *ay most (eo(le misinter(ret it. / at is% t ey@ll see it in terms of num&ers. / e elitist% na?i+minded generally do. "nd% more s(ecifically% t ey@ll see it in terms of &odies, as many do% so * y *ould or s ould / ey &e t e exce(tionG / e only ot er inter(retation is t ey don@t ta$e it seriously at all and t e fascistically inclined a'e al*ays done * at t ey@'e done and t in$ as t ey t in$ in any case. / at t ere@s no need to (osit any execution or e'en need on / eir (art for a met odical% (rotracted (lan to &loc$ any connection to t e ig er P/-. / ey (ro&a&ly don@t e'en &elie'e in any notion of anot er or ig er Self. In reality it can@t &e &loc$ed or lost in any sense% as t e Self is our reality, t oug you (ro&a&ly already $ne* t at. So% it@s a delusion on / eir (art. -ut% ot er*ise% I don@t &elie'e t ey@re t at ignorant. 2rom * at I@'e read% and Ic$e is yer man on t is su&6ect% t e * ole t ing is a calculated onslaug t t roug e'ery as(ect of our daily li'es, (syc ologically% emotionally% (olitically% economically% c emically. Electromagnetically. <ot necessarily in t at order. <ot t at it matters, it@s u&i;uitous. / e goal to get and $ee( us tra((ed in left+&rain% (rison *arder consciousness, / e -lac$ Iron Prison of t e .nostics t at P ili( ) #ic$ *as so (reoccu(ied *it . P armaceuticals% drugs% fluoride% additi'es% e'er+increasing (etty rules and regulations% t e electromagnetic sou( set at t e same fre;uency as t e &rain% c emtrails to literally create t at &lac$ iron (rison% t e list is endless% it seems. "nd t e more one learns% t e increasingly unli$ely it seems

31

/ ey don@t a'e a s(ecific strategy in mind. / ey5re literalists after all. / ey mig t &elie'e in &lac$ magic and =Satan5% &ut t at@s only for * at t ey t in$ t ey can get indi'idually. / e same goes for t eir minions and t e rest% t e =gs5 on t e streets. / ey seem to &e *or$ing in tandem% &ut t at@s as muc an illusion of 6oining as is e'ery ot er as(ect of / eir li'es. So if% on t e ig er (olitical le'els t ey do &elie'e in t e more meta( ysical as(ects of t e situation 7 it@s (ro&a&le t at many of t em do &elie'e in interdimensional entities for exam(le 7 t ey@ll still inter(ret it literally% seeing it all in terms of &odies, a matter of num&ers% ec oing t e misinter(retations of t e <e* "gers on 2012. "nd organised religion on t e <e* "ge, and so it goes. / ey@re all only different sides of t e same coin any*ay. / e Euc arist is a ritual of canni&alism. / ey literally &elie'e t ey@re drin$ing t e &lood and eating t e &ody of =! rist5. ! rist is t e * ole% in any case% our real Self% not ing to do *it t e &ody. / ey t in$ Jesus a&sor&ed all our sins into is &ody 7 * ic is only a reflection of t e &elief in t e reality of sin% guilt% and deat . 0ista$es a'e no (lace in t e ego@s t oug t+system% as mista$es can &e rectified% forgi'en% unli$e sin. / e resurrection is seen as t e literal raising of t e dead% * ereas resurrection is of t e mind, a transformed consciousness in t e lig t of forgi'eness% li'ing in t e real *orld% itself still only a (ro6ection of t e mind% &ut% as far as one is concerned% a clear% fres % &rig t% and ne* *orld all t e same. / ese (eo(le a'e no interest in t at. / ey *ors i( deat . / ey inter(ret and turn e'eryt ing in life into a (ro&lem% a c ore% a duty% a ritual% a tradition% and anot er means of attac$% a sym&ol of fear. E'eryt ing in t is *ord is a sym&ol of fear, t at t ey reinforce and magnify it * ere'er / ey can is only a reflection and (ro6ection of t eir o*n fear% of losing control o'er t e little t ey &elie'e t ey a'e 7 certainly a lot in *orldly terms% and t ey *ant to $ee( it. / e =gs5 and t e rest are as fearful of losing t e little t ey &elie'e t ey a'e too. It@s as muc &ased on fear due to t e economic meltdo*n caused &y t e 'ery (eo(le t ey &elie'e in. It5s an ena&ler5s dream. -ut s it+for+&rains a'e al*ays loo$ed for sim(listic ex(lanations and easy sca(egoats. / at@s a (art of * at &eing stuc$ in left+&rain consciousness does. / e *orld is a circular+minded mad ouse t at *ill only get *orse as *e dro*n in a sea of 'enal%

32

(etty+mindedness in t e guise of ig ideals necessary for t e greater good of t e * ole. "s it as. Someone said it *ould only get *orse &efore it gets &etter. I t in$ *e can agree it@s (retty &ad no*. "nd 6ust as li$ely to get *orse still. Per a(s a com(lete colla(se% &efore it really does get &etter. It@s useful to $no*% &ecause many lose sig t of t e &igger% *ider (icture% and * at can t e gs &e for% and e'ery related sic$+fuc$ t*isted go'ernment =t in$ tan$5% &ut to distort (erce(tion of t e situation% as a * ole, to induce a form of tunnel+ 'ision 7 a conce(t !olin Iilson as al*ays &een so fond of% only% no* t e goal is to magnify and exacer&ate a (redilection *e@re all (rey to in t e o(e% and t e goal t at some% if not many of us% succum& to it com(letely% seeing no o(e% no lig t at t e end of t e tunnel. It as to &e remem&ered t at / ey are in des(air too% if only t ey $ne* it. <ot economically% necessarily% &ut in a more (rofound sense. <o one *ould t in$ and &e a'e as t ey do if t at *eren@t t e case. Heft+&rain consciousness is a state of des(air, certainly it5s a reci(e for one. / ey loo$ to create t ese little (oc$ets of isolationism for indi'iduals% t emsel'es as (rone of course% to seeing relations i(s and 6oining in terms of ot er (eo(le% &odies% * ereas 6oining is of t e mind. / e set+u(s are &ased on a =secular5% literalistic inter(retation of reality and t e *orld. "nd science &ac$s it to t e ilt for t e most (art% as its al*ays done. It@s t e t oug t+system *e@'e gro*n u( *it and &een indoctrinated *it from day one% t roug sc ool and college and *or$. It@s al*ays &een t e same old mantra, t at t is *orld is all t ere is% and loo$ out for num&er one% and get * at you can * ile you can% &ecause no one else is going to do it for you% and ey% *e only a'e one life% after all% so... a circular logic. 8EI@ll do t ee first% see if I do not.F <igel 0oles*ort 9. "nd fe* (eo(le really ;uestion t ese assum(tions. 3ne could say Social #ar*inists stuc$ in left+&rain consciousness rule t e *orld. !olin Iilson *rote a&out t e latter as(ect for decades. -ut #a'id Ic$e as ta$en it furt er% certainly (olitically% t an anyone else% as far as I $no*. Interesting t at t ey &ot come from Heicesters ire. "nd t at &ot are in (retty strong denial as to t e reality of and im(ortance of Jesus and oursel'es as (art and * ole of ! rist, and in Ic$e@s case% t e =fact5 of Jesus in istory at all. -ut t at@s u( to t em. "ny*ay% *e@re ruled &y mass+

33

murderers% serial $illers (syc ologically. Saying serial $illers rule us mig t &e ;uite a good analogy, (er a(s a &etter one t an I realise. It@s no exaggeration at all to say t e goal of gangstal$ing is murder t roug forcing t eir targets to suicide 8 ey% Ea refres ingly onest &est manF in a s$etc on / at 0itc ell and Ie&& Hoo$ 6ust mentioned suicide as I t oug t t is9. "s t ere@s more t an one of t em 7 &y a long s ot 7 as *ell as t at it5s met odically (lanned and organised% t ey can also &e descri&ed as organised $illers. In t e 2-I (rofiling sense. / e fact t at it@s done in a mainly indirect *ay and is di'ided amongst t emsel'es 8and ot er targets in t e 'icinity% (ro&a&ly9 to reduce cul(a&ility% as *ell as directed and sanctioned from else* ere% doesn@t alter t e fact t e end result is murder and t e goal from t e outset. If none of t em too$ (art in it% it *ouldn@t a((en. / at t ey do% *ill ne'er disguise t e fact t ey ad and a'e a central (art in it% o*e'er muc t ey mig t loo$ to decei'e t emsel'es or 6ustify it. 0urder is murder% and t e realisation of it *ill come &ac$ to t em in t eir dreams% not to mention e'eryday discomforts. / ey *on@t esca(e t e effects of t eir o*n (ro6ections, t e ego gets e'eryone% after all... / at% and it@s a reflection of a certain *ay of &eing in t e *orld% as I say, a 'ery s(ecific *ay of inter(reting reality. .od as no (lace in suc a *orld% * ate'er t ey mig t say or &elie'e to t e contrary. / ey also allo* t emsel'es to &e set u( to &e inca(a&le of forgi'ing mista$es of t eir o*n and ot ers t ey $no*. It@s a rut less% merciless system t at destroys t em t roug t e 'ery act of ta$ing (art in it. Psyc ological% emotional corru(tion is ine'ita&le. Peo(le do need to &e sto((ed and (unis ed% &ut it@s t e attitude &e ind it t at ma$es all t e difference, a crucial difference. If it@s &ased on 'engeance% t en t at only reinforces t e (ro&lem as it@s reinforcing t e illusions% t e (ro6ections of ot ers. /o fig t &ac$ directly against t e gs% along *it any ot er as(ect of t e <3I% only reinforces t eir illusions 7 as *ell as one5s o*n 7 and t e &elief in t eir o*n reality and (o*er. "nd as as &een (ointed out% t ey@ll only react more in $ind for t e same reason% using it as a (retext to $ee( furt er (us ing / eir draconian rules and regulations% enforced t roug e'ery as(ect of t is (syc o(at ically orientated system, as muc t roug stealt . -ut t e indirect% snea$ily aggressi'e as(ect is only necessary u( until t ey@'e

34

ac ie'ed t eir o&6ecti'es and consolidated t eir (lans and (o*er% o*e'er illusory% o*e'er delusional. -eyond t at% t ere *ill &e no need to (retend or disguise it t roug t e guise of social acce(ta&ility and (rotecting t e community and s(reading freedom any longer% t oug I@m sure t e self+a((ointed and rigged goal of (olicing t e uni'erse * et er t e uni'erse *ants or needs it or not% *ill carry on. I *ait to see * at a((ens *it &aited &reat . In t e meantime 8Celmet9% I@m (retty sure t at t e (ur(ose of all t is arassment% all t is artificial sync roni?ing% is a&out cancelling out% not only t e a&ility to function normally 7 * ate'er t at means exactly% in t is dysfunctional% fuc$ed+u( *orld 7 &ut also t e a&ility in anyone to function on more =su(ranormal5 le'els or e'en in 6ust any *ay t at mig t a*a$en ot ers in t is slee(ing society and o(en t eir eyes to t e scam t at@s going on around t em and is ingrained in e'ery as(ect of t eir li'es and t oug t. <ot only are / ey t eir o*n *orst enemy% t ey are t eir o*n enemy% seeing enemies e'ery* ere, and t at =enemy5 is t emsel'es. "nd you% if you &uy into it. / ey can scre* u( t e *orld all &y t emsel'es if t ey get t eir o*n *ay% t an$ t em 'ery muc . "nd if t ey did% eit er *ay% t ere@s a certain satisfaction o'er t e t oug t of t at. 3f course% you *on@t find many (eo(le admitting t at. 8-ut *e all li'e our li'es in unforgi'eness% and t ey (ro'ide t e (erfect excuse% as do criminals for t e rest of us. 3nly% t ey@re t e criminals and often t e cause of it9. -ut t e most o&'ious illustration of t is is * en% if understanda&ly% you get some (oor soul on t e ne*s% t e 'ictim of some einous crime% * o says t at t eir sole moti'ation is t at no one else suffers t e same *ay at t e ands of t e (er(etrator. 3t er*ise% one assumes% t ey@re a((y to forgi'e t em. Ca. -ut some crimes are so orri&le forgi'eness can only &e of t e Coly S(irit. Ie@re not ca(a&le of it yet% and if *e *ere% t ey@d li$ely a((en less often. It@s all a learning (rocess. / e *orld% t e <I3% t e glo&al elite% t e gs in t e streets% a'e no real conce(tion of forgi'eness. In t at% t ey@re no different from most of t e (o(ulation. / e mediocrities a'e al*ays &een en'ious% mistrustful% irrationally resentful% full of atred for ot ers * o t ey &elie'e t at a'e * at t ey don@t% * et er talent% or loo$s% or a *oman% or * ate'er it may &e, t ey@ll find it, any (retext *ill do. It *as t ere at sc ool in my

3>

teens and *it e'ery ot er dor$ I *as o&liged to *or$ &eside almost as soon as I left. / ey naturally gra'itated toget er in atred and resentment. -ut as often as not it *as disguised at first% * ile t ey tested t e *aters% (us ed to see o* far t ey could go% see if you could &e &aited% find out * at your &rea$ing (oint is. "nd t ey recognise and $no* t eir o*n. It *as * oe'er agreed *it t em and s ared t eir mindset. / ey ad an irrational% murderous atred to*ards anyone * o didn@t. .anging u( came naturally to t em% for it@s * at t ose * o &elie'e in &odies and t e illusion of trium( t roug murder do. /o say t is doesn@t exist and t at gs and organised stal$ing and a let al strategy of interference and arassment doesn@t exist% is t e (ro'er&ial croc$ of s it. It@s * at / ey@'e al*ays done% only no* it@s organised, it goes furt er t an e'er &efore% and t en solme, it@s de'elo(ed strategies to interfere *it % disru(t% and destroy t e daily functioning% and ultimately t e li'es of t ose it targets. "nd t at *as t e goal all along. / e (le&eian and not so (le&eian exam(les I ad in mind earlier ne'er ad t e &rains or t e resol'e. / ey needed some of t e dominant >S 8same ta& on t e $ey&oard9% (syc o(at s in t is case% naturally% to organise t em. -ut it@s al*ays &een (syc o(at ic% and narcissistic, in e'ery area of life% from &lue+ collar to middle+class, t e *or$ing rednec$ to uni'ersity (rofessor. / e rednec$s only ad to &e s o*n t e *ay. 2or muc of t em it must a'e &een e;ui'alent to seeing t e lig t, t e 'alidation of e'eryt ing t ey ad e'er felt and t oug t a&out t e *orld in t eir unconscious atred of it. / e P/- must seem li$e genius@ to t em, 'irtual eart ly gods *it / eir (syc *arfare and <HP orses it. 8-ut <HP is geared to affecting t e &rain% an as(ect of t e (ersonality, t e mind isn@t t e same t ing9. "nd /Is crum&ling under t e onslaug t *ould only seem to (ro'e =t eir5 su(eriority and t e su(eriority of / eir tec ni;ues, &ut t at@s facile cle'erness for you. =/ ey $no* t e (rice of e'eryt ing and t e 'alue of not ing5. 3n an indi'idual le'el% t ey@re t e (eo(le * o constantly interru(t, a re(eated indication of t e internal 'iolence it &elies. / e =gs5 is only a *ider as(ect of t e same mindset. / e constant arassment% t e interference ser'es as an interru(tion to $ee( one5s attention focused out*ards% as t eirs is% rat er t an internally% * ere

3B

dee(er connection are% *it one@s real self% intuition% t e "&solute% call it * at you li$e. Psyc o(at s don@t need to $no* t e source of t eir moti'ation in order to &elie'e in and carry it out. <ot a'ing conscious a*areness of it is * y t ey5re (syc o(at ic. =Psyc o(at 5 is a loaded term any*ay. 3ne could say t at t at c oice of descri(tion for anyone% t e la&elling% o*e'er understanda&le% is as muc &ased on condemnation. It also o&scures t e commonality of t e &e a'iour, t at it@s more accurate to descri&e it as narcissistic, and t at co'ers most of t e (o(ulation% or a good deal of it. <arcissists are al*ays y(er'igilant% oddly enoug . So it@s ironic one mig t say t at t e end result% or an as(ect of t e =gs5 (syc ological *arfareL(sy(o(s% is t at one &ecomes y(er'igilant as a res(onse, if I can $ee( it in mind for long enoug . / eir goal is to exacer&ate it to an extreme% so it di(s into a (ercei'ed or actual mental illness% so one can@t distinguis &et*een reality and fantasy. "s if / ey can. / ey *ant t e target to see (otential danger e'ery* ere, dangers t at t ey may *ell &ring a&out. Co* many (eo(le do you need to murder t roug traffic accidents and organised% enforced des(air &efore t e rest get t e messageG "s for t e rest of t e (o(ulation% *ell% t ey@ll a'oid t e * ole t ing% y@$no*G " &it li$e t e last days of t at guy * o died on a cross% in case t e Romans (ic$ u( t e contagion and come for t em too. -ut * ate'er your 'ie*% you mig t &ear in mind t e end result of all t is is a form of li'ing deat for e'eryone. / eir goal may &e to confuse and confound t e (erce(tion of =reality5 of t eir intended targets% &ut t eir o*n (erce(tions are already seriously distorted. "nd denial and (ro6ection is a serious (erce(tual distortion on anyone@s account. Serious in t e illusion t at is 7 t e dream, t e matrix. 3t er*ise% it@s all 6ust one &ig 6o$e. / ese are t e (eo(le you gre* u( *it * o *ould ne'er dream of crossing any aut ority% of stealing from t e su(ermar$et% say% as t at re(resents outside aut ority% an as(ect of t e system t ey so muc &elie'e in% &ut * o *ould a((ily steal from you% t eir friend% &uddy% ac;uaintance% &ecause you@d least sus(ect it% a'e less c ance of guessing it *as t em% and any*ay% it@s your *ord against t eirs. / ey@re t e =co*&oy &uilders5% t e =salt of t e eart 5 7 EI *or$ for a li'ingF 7 * o@d ro&

3K

t eir o*n grandmot er &lind% &ut foster a seet ing atred for e'eryone and e'eryt ing t ey t in$ is ruining =t eir5 country. / ey@re t e (eo(le * o ta$e sides *it * ome'er t ey see is in (o*er and *ould sta& you in t e &ac$ along *it t e rest of t e gang &ecause t ey *ere ne'er true indi'iduals to &egin *it % 6ust flotsam and 6etsam to &e mani(ulated &y t e *ill of (syc o(at s. "s ade(t in self+ dece(tion% t ey &elie'e t ey@re (artly in c arge% im(ortant, essential e'en. It@s as muc &ased on a t*isted notion of a uto(ian ideal% * ere t e terminally facile finally rule t e (lanet% and .od is $e(t from mind% a(art and se(arate fore'er. It@s a madman@s cra?y (i(e dream% as rational and lo'ing as t e <a?is% or Stalin@s Russia. It comes around in cycles% more dee(+rooted% cle'erer and *ide+ranging t an &efore% determined in getting its *ay. E'ery ad'ance% in (syc ology% in science% tec nology% is turned on its ead to &e t e o((osite of * at it *as for or could &e. " car% intended for s(eed and con'enience &ecomes a deadly *ea(on, a tele( one% intended to furt er communication% a means of di'isi'eness and se(aration. I at is made for t e (ur(ose of defence is utilised for attac$. <arcissists and (syc o(at s don@t learn, t ey ad6ust. / e &attlefield t ey li'e in and are com(elled to defend against is t e one t ey ma$e t emsel'es. / ey li'e in a dream *orld of t eir o*n ma$ing. "ll t e more reason not to reinforce it &y &uying into it. / ey@ll come and go 6ust li$e e'ery ot er egotist% megalomaniac dream, one *ay or anot er. PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

3M

Early 2 #2$ -riefing for a descent into ec$. Ca. 2unny. <o disres(ect to 0s Hessing intended. -ut enoug is enoug . / is is &eyond a 6o$e. / is is frea$ing me out. -ut already% I@m getting a ead of myself. -ut o* to tell suc a strange% &i?arre storyQ Dou@ll ne'er &elie'e me. Per a(s it@s 6ust as *ell. Dou can come to t e ex(erience in your o*n *ay in your o*n time. / at sound@s a mite cry(tic% &ut t at@s t e realisation% or a (art of it. !all it a transition% a (syc ological (rocess or an as(ect of t e (syc ogeogra( ical terrain *e all a'e to confront or e'en tra'el t roug at some (oint in our li'es. -ut I@m getting a ead of myself again% gi'ing t e game a*ay% so to s(ea$% and t e .ame is t e name of t e game. I@m listening to <ielson@s / ird. Co* 'ery cultured of me. I feel relaxed. Ie s ould ne'er underestimate t e (o*er of music% it@s a&ility to ta$e us toQ ot er times and (laces Q li$e dreams. / at sound@s a &itQ t*eeQ &ut it@s t*oo I tell you. I could descri&e t is as t e diary of a madman% if a contem(orary one. / e Journal of a 0adman is more accurate. I@d lo'e to attri&ute it to someone else% say I found it under t e floor&oards% or in a secret cac e some* ere% or gi'e you some (it y descri(tion of t e state of my @romantic@ life 6ust as I@m mo'ing into a ne* (lace% all set to ma$e a fres start% ca(ture an atmos( ere of (ast urts and sadness in t e s(ace of a fe* emoti'e sentences. -ut I@m t in$ing% and not for t e first time% o far from it% t at life truly is stranger and *eirder t an fiction, and you can ;uote me on t at, you can e'en *rite it do*n if you li$e% use it for yourself. I@m glad I@m feeling so u(&eat. " good nig t@s slee( does t at% a nice if slig tly (ungent su((er of (re+(ac$aged mixed seafood% finis ed off *it some (re+(ac$aged fruit from t e local multinational conglomerate. "ll at a reduced (rice% for it *as near its ex(iry date% an intentional c oice on my (art% as% * at *it my a((arently semi+deranged &oo$+ a&it% sacrifices a'e to &e made% t oug t e former is ardly a 'ery taxing one. -ut e'ery little el(s% o*e'er muc I en6oy stuffing my face.

3N

/ e follo*ing morning% rarely too early in my case% I@d &arely done a fe* (us u(s and s;uats and made my c ea( ca((uccino coffee from a largis 'alue (ac$% * en t e need to get to t e &at room &ecame more urgent t an I ad antici(ated. I didn@t ;uite ma$e it% feeling a solid section of turd slide out and onto my 6eans, not ing to (anic a&out% t oug I *as in a state of semi+ denial o'er it. EI aaaaatttttGF I com(lained% * i((ing my ?i( o(en and astily (lunging my &utt onto t e o'erly small and cram(ed seat% c ec$ing t e inside of my 6eans in t e (rocess. "nd t ere it *as% sitting t ere li$eQ a small turd, and more (ungent t an any seafood t at comes to mind. I ;uietly s*ore% * ile tearing off a &it of loo+roll as ;uic$ly as I could to *ra( around t e smelly extruder and transfer into t e &o*l from &e ind as I s ifted for*ard. Jo&&y done. Duc$. I sat t ere reading for a &it% as usual% #oris Hessing@s /CE 0E03IRS 32 " S1R4I43R% t en% after finis ing u(% sa* t ere *as some s it on t e &ac$ of t e seat too * ere I@d s;uas ed it in my aste% not a'ing (ositioned myself (ro(erly. / e toilet and &at room is too small and cram(ed% t at@s (artly t e trou&le. 3&'iously% I ad to *as t e seat and my arse. Pa$istani styli. "nd so it goes. <ot an e'eryday occurrence &y any means. In fact% I5m ;uite (leased I a'e suc a regular &o*el mo'ement. It ma$es a c ange from t e occasional (eriods of consti(ation in t e (ast% a (ainful &ore. It all comes do*n to diet% or t e lac$ of it% and (i??as and meat and ot er starc y foods (laying a'oc *it my digestion% gi'ing me t e most c ronic indigestion 7 @ eart&urn@ 7 often. Somet ing ad to &e done. I a'en@t exactly ta$en on salads and t e rest full+time &ut I do li$e to ma$e an effort. It does seem to *or$ *onders. "fter a recent (i??a effort or (ac$aged Indian meal or * ate'er it *as% I ad to ta$e se'en indigestion ta&lets t roug t e nig t% 6ust to get t roug it and slee(. I only realised it *as se'en &y counting t e em(ty (erforations on t e &ag of t e sil'er s eet t e follo*ing morning% afternoon% day. 3ften+times% * en I@d run out of t e ta&lets or forgotten to get more% I@d a'e to resort to drin$ing slugs of cold mil$, t is as al*ays ad t e effect of ma$ing me (u$e it rig t &ac$ u(% along *it * ate'er else is in my stomac % or at least in

40

(art. I can re(eat t e (rocess until satisfied. 1sually I@d &ring u( great *elts of li;uid too% mostly t e c ea( coffee I@d consumed t roug out t e e'ening% not realising o* muc I@d dran$. I at *it t e 6un$ food mix% my stomac couldn@t ta$e it. It *as acid reflux city. "ri?ona. I@d made 'arious efforts to get myself onto a ealt ier eating lifestyle of sorts% meaning I cut out meat% stic$ to c ic$en and fis , t en% a'ing read a &lood+ curdling article mont s &ac$% (ro&a&ly in / e .uardian% on o* cattle are treated and $illed% resol'ed I@d ne'er eat meat again. "t least until t e orror of it and t e attendant guilty conscience *ore off and I ga'e into t at delicious c e*y tem(tation again. "s one does. / is one did any*ay. " follo*+u( article ad &een on c ic$en also, tales of cysts and ot er orrors cut out of t e c ic$en (ieces to ma$e t em fit for consum(tion. ! ic$ens@ flas +scalded * ile still ali'e% t at $ind of t ing. !o*s *ould a'e (art of t eir lim&s cut of *it a c ainsa* * ile still ali'e if t e $illing (rocess adn@t done its grim *or$ in t e se;uence &efore t at. <o one *as going to ta$e res(onsi&ility in alting (roduction for t e sa$e of t e agony suffered &y a dum& animal. !ommodities don@t a'e feelings. I t oug t: I y let t em go t roug all t e terror and agony of t is 6ust &ecause I li$e t e tasteG / ere are ot er t ings I can eat. I can (retend fis don@t a'e any feelings 6ust &ecause scientists say so% and as )urt !o&ain sang *it <ir'ana. 3nly% I didn@t stic$ to my resol'e% as I say. / e only t ing t at sto(s us in t e end% and t at@s &y no means guaranteed eit er% is t e a*areness of t e (otential or actual arm it could do to oursel'es. I recall reading !olin Iilson a'ing gi'en u( eating meat% t is after a @mild stro$e@ or t ree 8Ce@s ad a recent se'ere stro$e again9. I also recall% years &efore t at% im saying in one of is no'els t at e couldn@t see imself gi'ing u( t e Sunday roast as e en6oyed it so muc . Possi&ly / e P iloso( ers Stone. So e'en geniuses get it *rong. I@m (artially getting t ere t roug (ic$ing u( an old <exus 0aga?ine from 200M t at *as sitting on to( of a (ile of assorted maga?ines. / ere@s a s ort section inside a&out a re(ort stating t at 'arious meats% suc as 7 *ell% t e usual% including sand*ic

41

meat 7 I@d &oug t am sand*ic slices s(ecifically made for sand*ic es 6ust t e ot er day, it said so on t e (ac$et% *ra((ed% &utc er+style% not (ac$aged% reduced (rice as (er sometimes usual in my case. I can@t say I e'en li$ed t e loo$ of t em * en I o(ened t em u( later% &ut I *as reluctant to *aste t em. I ere *as IG Des% saying 7 in t e s ort article 7 t at t ey *ere unfit for uman consum(tion. Iell I t in$ t at a&out co'ers it for me. / at decided me. 4egetarians (o$ing at a lum( of c ic$en or meat% em( asising its deadness * ile t ro*ing it do*n t e toilet on a /4 (rogramme ne'er *or$ed for me eit er. I *as too used to eating meats of 'arying $inds all my life. I eat mussels and all manner of s ellfis . "s a $id I *as a((y to eat * el$s% or @*il$s@ as t ey *ere called some reason% in #undee. " lum( of ra* c ic$en isn@t going to (ut me off% or% if you@re feeling (articularly =flus 5% no (un intended% a aunc of 'enison% say, try coo$ing t em% t ey@re delis . I *onder if t at@s * at @deli@ stands forG I dou&t it. -ut I digress. It mig t &e *ort raising t e ;uestion t oug as to 6ust o* muc one5s @diet@ mig t affect one5s 6udgement% or (erce(tions. In s ort% one5s mind. !ertainly t e aut orities% t e system% t e (o*ers t at &e 7 t e P/- 7 seem to &e a((y for us to eat or li'e or die on a diet of all manner of cra(, (erfectly a((y for us to eat s it it seems% &ot meta( orically 7 or figurati'ely 7 and literally. Eat s it and die% mot erfuc$ers. "nd *e ladle it into oursel'es% 6ust as t ey *ant% it seems. Scotland as t e *orst eart rate in Euro(e% or% so I read% some years &ac$. <ot t at I dou&t it really. 3ur national diet of c i(s 7 and fis co'ered in salty% tasty &atter. I lo'e itO "nd yummy aggis% com(rising of offal and encased in a s ee(5s stomac . It@s ;uite delicious too. / ere@s 'eggy aggis of course% * ic seems a &it (ointless to me. I c ec$ed out a 'egetation store years &ac$% * en I *as toying *it t e idea as usual. I found it a &it odd to find foods I *as *ell used to suc as &acon and sausages% made u( out of 'eggy ingredients. I t in$ it offended my sense of Q aut enticity. I *anted 'egetarian goods% foods% to &e a class% a genus of t eir o*n, * ic t ey are% only% I didn@t *ant t em dressed u( as somet ing else% s a(ed into meaty+loo$ing comesti&les I *as already a'ing trou&le gi'ing

42

u(. / e du(licates% t e simulacrums% only reminded me of * at my taste &uds (referred. It seemed to &e defeating its o*n (ur(ose, or% *as designed for confirmed% = ardened 'eggies5% t e old lags of t e 'eggy *orld% set in t eir *ays% * o couldn@t &e s*ayed. / at% and it *as all so o&'iously o'er(riced. It ga'e me t e im(ression of &eing 6ust anot er &and*agon for t e @ olier t an t ou5s@% anot er ri(+off. I (ictured t em a'ing access to &uying it in &ul$ for t emsel'es% t e ones in t e $no*. I ate'er. 4arious $inds of c ocolate and ealt y fruity cereal &ars dou&le t e (rice for alf t e si?e. I could lose *eig t too &y eating t e same e;ui'alent 'ia an un ealt y food+store. It *ould cost me an arm and a leg to &e @ ealt y@. "nd I@d a'e to &uy fe*er &oo$s% or sto( outrig t. 1ntil I realised t e su(ermar$ets ad already got on t e &and*agon. "s t ey do. " matter of (reference and selecti'e (erce(tion% I adn@t ;uite noticed. <o% I sim(ly adn@t (aid attention% adn@t &een interested. .imme a (ac$et of )it)ats and a slug on a tin of !arnation 0il$ any day. I@ll &e luc$y if I reac t e age of K0. I mig t if I li'e on noodles and yeast extract. Dummy. / at t e P/- are out to destroy (le&s li$e me 7 a *riterly% contem(lati'e (le&% &ut a (le& all t e same% and all t e more reason in t e current climate to $ill us all% met in$s 7 is (art of t e decision too% if somet ing of a less immediate% if% no less let al as(ect. I didn@t al*ays used to t in$ t is. It cre(t u( on me% sometimes in almost indiscerni&le stages. Some mig t descri&e it as a slo* &ut ine'ita&le drift into insanity and cra?y cons(iracy t eories 7 you and your cra?y @no cons(iracy5 t eories 7 &ut to t ose *it eyes t at =see5% or are coming to see% it@s t e o((osite t at@s t e case, a (rocess of &ecoming gradually saner% of letting t e (ast and (ast inter(retations go. -ut as -o*ie once sang% and Ray #a'ies &efore im% it ain@t easy.

43

Ca'ing stalled myself *it t is amusing and slig tly sordid little di'ersion initially% I may as *ell get on *it it% and% *it out resorting% as I say% to miraculously disco'ered mysterious% strange diaries% idden under t e floor&oards% or found in an old musty% magical cu(&oard% or some a&andoned modern com(uter% say% a discarded ard+dri'e. 3ne 6ust doesn@t find t ese t ings, it doesn@t a((en, t e *riter *ould &e too (roud of t eir *or$ to fully a&andon it, t ey@d &e loo$ing to get it (u&lis ed as some (oint% tell t eir o*n story. Ie all *ant credit for our o*n efforts% not a'e t em &e attri&uted to someone else. It@s an amusing conceit% or *ould &eQ t at t e *riter% t e aut or% stum&les on a story *ritten% com(lete% * et er (erfectly or im(erfectly &y @someone else@% and can t ere&y ta$e t e credit for it% or t e (ositi'e as(ects% * ile creating t e im(ression of modesty and Q normality. 8EI ate'er you t in$ of t is% you can &elie'e also% t roug sus(ension of dis&elief t at it *asn@t *ritten &y me% t oug *e &ot $no* it *as.F9. / at@s fine, it@s a useful literary de'ice. It lets you $no* * ere you@re at and * ere t e *riter is. Dou a'e a (retty good idea of * at you@re going to get. / at it@s a fantasy or a time+tra'el story or * ate'er. -ut as I said% @life@ can &e a * ole lot stranger, e'en * en you@re (aying attention, or es(ecially if you@re (aying attention. / at@s t e nature of t e (aradox% o* t ey get you% o* you@re ood*in$ed. I en you truly can@t tell t e difference &et*een @reality@ and @fantasy@ or illusion any more%

44

t en you@re done, t ey@'e got you, rig t * ere t ey *ant you. Dou@re a dead man% 6ust li$e t em. 3n second t oug ts% (eo(le lose stuff all t e time. In s ort% I s(o$e too soon. 2ate as a *ay of tri((ing one u(. I *ent to t e loo again, turd time, any excuse for a reading &rea$. "lmost as soon after I sit do*n% an alarm goes off across t e street. I en I@m done soon after% get u( to *i(e my arse% it goes off again. Iee+a*+*ee+a*+*ee+a*Q &lee( &lee( &lee(. Iorld of &lee(. -ut * at t e &lee( do t ey $no*G / ey see me going a&out my &usiness% literally in t is case% my figure 'isi&le still% t roug t e distorting glass of t e &at room *indo*. 0ay&e 7 Eand &y may&e I mean (er a(sF 8Ellen9 7 t ere@s an in'isi&le sensor &eam, t at I cut t roug and it gi'es t e im(ression I@m &eing continuously o&ser'ed. / ey 7 and it@s 'ery muc / ey 7 li$e to create t e im(ression% t e illusion t at t ey@re all seeing% all $no*ing% 'irtually omniscient. It@s all -S of course. / ey@re t e cle'er idiots% t e un oly fools. "scertaining% ex(eriencing true intelligence is &eyond t em. 3r (icture it if t ey do for a moment... / ey must see me as a foreign% in'ading% t reatening t ing% to &e (us ed out of mind% &loc$ed% as soon as it manifests... li$e some alien entity% aQ t ing of orror and atred% un$no*n to t emsel'es. Pity t em for t ey $no* not * at or * o t ey are. 3r * at t ey do. / ey5re t*ats. Hife is too s ort for t is orses it% &ut t is is all t ey $no*. It@s * at t ey @li'e@ for. Ie are t e dead. <o% t ey are. / ey 6ust don@t $no* it. <or do t ey $no* it *ill soon &e o'er for t em% t at t ey li'e in a self+sustained delusory grou(t in$. / ey@re li'ing on &orro*ed time. / eir days are num&ered. / ey@re in for a rude a*a$ening. It@s t e *orld inside out and u(side do*n, a mad ouse. / e lunatics genuinely &elie'e t ey@re running t e asylum% * en t e asylum is running t em. "in@t it al*ays t e *ayG / oug it@s all too easily forgotten. I $no* some targets a'e dro((ed li$e flies. I@m more fortunate% a'ing de'elo(ed t e a&ility to flit from consciousness to consciousness% mind to mind% &ut I a'e to &e in an @odd@ or unusual state of mind to do it. / is current mind isn@t my o*n. I let im 'oice is o*n t oug ts% let you get a feel for it. Some of

4>

* at I said% * at I t oug t *as me% *as% certainly initially. -ut only I can truly tell t e difference. "t least I o(e I can. I do% I a'e to admit% sometimes a'e my dou&ts. I &ot &lend *it t e (erson I@m @(ossessing@ as *ell as $no* my o*n t oug ts. I can tell t e difference, &ut often t e mind% t e @(ossessed@% if you li$e% &egins to sound sus(iciously li$e me, or I sound sus(iciously li$e t em, I a'en@t ;uite figured it out yet. 0ay&e it@s far too dangerous a game% &ut it@s surely no more dangerous t an... I can see you@re a ead of me. I dou&t t ey@'e figured it out yet, t e P/-% t at is. 0ine osts% as far as I $no*% are @&lissfully@ una*are of me. <or can I influence t eir t oug ts% t eir actions% muc as I $no* t e P/*ould influence t eirs if t ey could% or mine. "nd (er a(s t ey already a'e% t at@s t e (ro&lem. /o a degree% I@m a&o'e t e field of (lay% so to s(ea$% @a&o'e t e &attleground@. / is a&ility gi'es me a certain detac ment, or I@'e de'elo(ed t e a&ility t roug culti'ating a sense of detac ment% ta$e your (ic$. "nd as if t is *eren@t com(licated enoug 7 and I can see you@re a ead of me again 7 I can@t rule out t e (ossi&ility I could &e influenced indirectly &y t e ost if e or s e can &e influenced &y t e P/t emsel'es% * et er directly or indirectly% t oug it can &e argued it@s all indirect% if any of it is (ossi&le at all% * et er t roug dreams or ot er remote+controlled or more @ ands on@ means% suc as micro*a'es. "dd to t is t at it may *ell &e inaccurate to tal$ a&out t e P/- in terms of @t emsel'es@ so muc as @Itself@% t at t ey seem to &e as muc of a i'e mind. I et er t is is an as(ect of grou(t in$ or somet ing far more sinister% I don@t $no*. I do% &ut I don@t *ant to s(eculate on it too muc . I@m all for denial myself in some instances% and t at@s one of t em. I came face to face *it t e @de'il@ &efore% t e murderer% * et er inside or really @out t ere@% and I@m in no urry to re(eat it. Similarly% t ere@s certainly a frisson in t e t oug t of entering a *oman@s mind% &ut on $no*ing of t e ones * o@'e &een targeted &y / em% t oug it more accurately refers to t eir minions 7 only to &e dri'en to suicide% *ell t at@s a mind+tri( I can do *it out if I5m inca(a&le of influencing t em in any *ay% t oug no* of course% t ere@s t e net% email etc.% or e'en a more direct association if one is so

4B

inclined% or mo'ed to ma$e suc an effort% t oug t at demands e'en more of a direct commitment t an e'en an electronic connection *ould. Eit er *ay% one com(romises oneself * en t ese (eo(le are under tremendous emotional stress and may e'en &e unsta&le to &egin *it . 3r% to (ut it anot er *ay% 6ust &ecause you@re &eing targeted doesn@t mean you@re not cra?y. 3ften t is is t e 'ery t ing t eir co'ert% snea$y attac$ers are (laying on. / ey a'e credi&ility in t e eyes of a myo(ic% acculturated society. Psyc ological *arfare is a&out iding in (lain sig t, t e attac$s are indirect and consistent% designed to *ear out t e target t roug time% in time. / e target (lays into t is also% as muc un*ittingly &y ta$ing on &oard% if understanda&ly% t e (erce(tion of t emsel'es as t e (ro'er&ial 'ictim. <o one as e'er suffered as I a'e% etc. / e (ro&lem ere is in treating illusions as real% eac com(ounding t e ot er% &elie'ing t emsel'es to &e tormented &eyond endurance% * en it@s all a matter of inter(retation. -ut again% it@s understanda&le. Ie all feel constantly s at u(on% crucified for most of our li'es% and no* it seems as if t at male'olence as come out into t e o(en to cra( all o'er us &ig+ time% (laying on% and com(ounding all t at unconscious guilt *e feel. Ie@re our o*n *orst enemies and t e egotists (lay on t at, t e mind@s tendency to sin$ do*n into a $ind of emotional entro(ic colla(se. It@s &asically a (syc o(at ic system. @Sensiti'e@ indi'iduals can &e im(acted in more idden% @su&tler@ le'els t an can your a'erage (lum&er% say% * o functions on a le'el more concerned *it form% and for t at reason% is more li$ely to succum& to suc a system. / e cra?yma$ers% t e @nice@ (eo(le% t e @(er(s@ mani(ulate form to confuse and distort t e (erce(tions of t eir targets% so t at e'eryt ing &ecomes a t reat or is seen as one (otentially. /o &e a'e in suc a *ay is an ex(ression of a fear+ &ased consciousness in any case% * ere e'eryt ing &ecomes a sym&ol of t at% &ut t roug (ro6ection. / e (er(etrators aren@t a*are of t is% or t ose t at do eit er don@t care or t ey a'e no c oice% t ey@re coerced into it, t oug it may *ell &e a com&ination of 'arious factors for some or e'en many. "nd it *ould &e as accurate to descri&e t em as t e @(ro6ectors@ as it is to

4K

call t em @(er(etrators@. / is is a term t at suits t e @'ictims@ (erce(tion also% for it con'eniently reduces t e situation to &e seen in terms of &lac$ and * ite% t oug t is *ill also suit t e (erce(tion of many of t e Pro6ectors too% for t at@s t e (at of least resistance for most of t em, or so t ey t in$. Ie@re all (ro6ectors t oug . Eac only t e ot er side of t e same coin% eac &elie'ing .od is on our side% and if not .od% t en extraterrestrials% or% as t e P/- *ould a'e us a'e it &e% @aliens@% 8* ic % according to t em% don@t exist in any case% e'en t oug t ey a'e t ousands of classified documents to (ro'e it9. Ieirdly% t is 6ust mig t turn out to &e true% &ut again% it all (olarises. #ifferent factions as$ t e extraterrestrials to ta$e out t e ot er faction t ey &elie'e is ma$ing t eir life suc a misery. If t e @aliens@ *ere anyt ing li$e t e 3ld /estament .od or its *riters% t ey@d destroy &ot in a (uff of smo$e or somet ing far more dramatic. -ut I *anted to gi'e an exam(le of t e minions5 strategy of intentional (erce(tualL(ers(ecti'e distortion% &on$ers as t is mig t sound% t oug it@s clear enoug to me t ey get t eir training from @a&o'e@ 7 t e P/-% t e @Elite@% call it * at you li$e, and I *ill. In t is instance I *asn@t in a&iting anyone@s mind, e told me of it 'oluntarily, an artistL occasional musician ac;uaintanceL friend / is *as a fe* years &ac$% * en e@d &een ex(eriencing a (eriodic increase in arassment, t e summer mont s seems to &ring t em out, (resuma&ly as it@s easier for t em% as *ell as to reduce t e @;uality of life@ of t e indi'idual concerned. It must a'e &een fun for t em t is last Iinter t en% sitting in t eir cars in 'irtual &li??ard conditions% *aiting to ma$e t eir myo(ic dum&s it @sync ronistic@ mo'es as @t eir@ *orld acts u(% tries it on% acting t e goat and generally not (laying t e game% * at *it all t e ot er @natural@ disasters and *orld+*ide catastro( es n@ all. Ironic. Paradoxical. Da gotta laug . / oug I su((ose all t at deat % destruction% c aos and .eneral 0ay em also suits t e P/in t eir @(o(ulation control@ goals. It@s a lot less mout s to *orry a&out% o*e'er @tragic@. / ey must &e laug ing in t eir reinforced &un$ers. -ut I digress again.

4M

Cere@s a recent ex(erience of my o*n. .oing to t e &at room one day% a*are of t e increase in arassment% I *as alert or% @ y(ersensiti'e@% call it * at you li$e% * en a red 'an mo'ed into 'ie* t roug t e frosted *indo*s% only% it *as on t e ot er side of t e street. 2eeling enter(rising or% as muc curious% I o(ened t e *indo*% $neeling on t e toilet &o*l% and loo$ed across. #uring t is% a matter of a fe* seconds% t e dri'er came &ac$ out of t e *or$s o((osite% and 7 and t is is t e &i?arre% @inex(lica&le@ (art 7 turned on is engine and dro'e ;uic$ly to my side of t e street in a s ar( ?ig?ag. It *as a distur&ing ex(erience, it cree(ed me out. It *as a ne* and distur&ing de'elo(ment% t oug % if I@d t oug t a&out it% I@d a'e seen it *as only a 'ariation on (re'ious strategies. -ut it ga'e me a fres insig t into o* # must &e ex(eriencing it * en it@s all relati'ely ne* to im. I can go into is circumstances at some (oint later% t e e'ents e@s &een ex(eriencing% $no* * at e@s &een feeling. !all it false em(at y to identify *it it% &ut t e essence of t e ex(erience and t is system is t at it@s designed to a'e you feel alone% isolated, more isolated t an anyone in t e *orld. / is is a confidence tric$ of t e ego of course% an illusion% if a con'incing one% and it can and does a'e conse;uences% If I could ex(erienced * at # felt% it mig t lesson t at sense of isolation% I t oug t% as *ell as t at I mig t gain some insig t into im too% and t roug t at% &e of more el( to im. It@s &een o&'ious e@s &een finding it 'ery difficult to co(e *it % or do*nrig t im(ossi&le. I at I can do% in a retros(ecti'e% semi+dreaming *ay is enter into is mind and ex(eriences is t oug ts and feelings. Ce doesn@t $no* * at I can do, I a'en@t told im. !all it a &reac of trust% or confidence% &ut I *anted to c ec$ it for myself. 3r rat er% I *anted to ex(erience it% &ecause I did &elie'e im. "nd more accurately% I *anted to $no* * at e felt. !all it false em(at y if you li$e% &ut as I say% I can $ee( a certain detac ment, it *or$s for me% so far% touc *ood% as me old #ad li$es to say. It *as 6ust as e@d descri&ed% &ut * at *as as distur&ing *as t e almost o'er* elming sense of Q s ameG <o% e as a de(t of self+ assurance a&out im, e ad too muc (ractice *it t is, I $ne* some of t is story. / e (erce(tion% as *ell as a'ing a degree of

4N

anger% one *as of Q guilt. "nd as immediately% I recognised if not t e actual source% t en certainly t e ostensi&le reasons for it% o*e'er outlandis or insane% t oug I5'e already touc ed on it. / e (eo(le% t e minions% t e (ro6ectors% sa* t emsel'es% li$e all self+a((ointed @do+gooders@ and fanatics% as doing * at t ey did in t e name of .od% o*e'er unconsciously. / ey *ere t e community@s fundamentalists% seeing sin and guilt in e'eryt ing and e'eryone &ut t emsel'es. It *as a met odical% structured guilt+tri(% organised from @on ig @. / e most alarming as(ect *as o* *ides(read it *as. "dded to t is *as t e a*areness% is and mine &ot % of o* endemic it *as also, t e fact t at most (eo(le t oug t li$e t is% t at it *as dee( in t eir @&ones@, it (ermeated all t eir t in$ing% o* t ey t oug t of t emsel'es and ot ers% li$e a 'irus% a contagion of atred s(reading across t e *orld. Iorse% its insidious nature meant it could *orm its *ay into t e (erce(tions of its @'ictims@% targets% in a $ind of osmosis% for t ere *as al*ays t e ego as(ect% t e unconscious or idden guilt t at t is 'ery (rocess% t is system *as designed to (lay u(on, a form of &rain*as ing% &ut of an @all+encom(assing@ nature t at *ould re(lace its (erci(ients feelings and e'en memories *it its o*n as isL er memories *ere gradually% inexora&ly su(erseded &y t e re(etition of t e negati'e ex(eriences and scenarios engineered s(ecifically for t at (ur(ose. / is is to &e a *orld of guilt% of deat as life% * ere to ste( out of line% or e'en t in$ out of line is a t oug tcrime% &ringing on a deluge of (assi'e aggressi'e% cra?yma$ing arassment and set+u(s &y t e (erennially ood*in$ed% t e terminally deranged. <ice *or$ if you can get it. @Hegitimate@ (retexts are t e co'er for t is. Cig lig t t e @sin@ of ot ers% e'en one mista$e% and you can ide a multitude of sins of your o*n as *ell as carry t em on% &ig+time. "s .oe&ells $ne*% (eo(le *ill s*allo* a far &igger lie t an t ey *ill a small one. / oug t+ex(eriment o'er.

>0

#es 'anis ed% as some (eo(le in my life do, no* e5s out of it. / e last time I sa* im% *e5d agreed again% to meet% as *as our arrangement% at Iaterstones5 u(stairs cafT in Princes Street% Iest End. /ell a lie% *e5d met again &y accident u(stairs on t e &us sometime after e adn5t turned u( for t at meeting. 3ddly% e insisted e *as t ere. "&surd. / at5s all targets need, ot er targets gaslig ting t em% t e cra?y &ald galoot. Dou start t in$ing &ac$, did I get t e time mixed u(G <o% and it couldn5t a'e &een t e location. I en someone is as a((arently certain as you are% you don5t *ant to ma$e an issue of it. Dou sim(ly assume t ey don5t *ant to admit t ey didn5t ma$e it for some reason. 0ay&e e *as t ere earlier% got t e time mixed u(, or% sim(ly forgot and didn5t *ant to admit it. "not er ex(lanation is e *as getting so muc *eird s it% it (ut im off coming% or *orse% t oug t I mig t &e in on it% setting im u( in some *ay. / is mufti+stal$ing situation is so *eird it can do t ings to your ead% as intended. / ey recruit friends and ac;uaintances as a matter of course if t ey can. So I *ouldn5t &lame im for &eing sus(icious of a'ing a &out of =(aranoia5. / at5s * at it5s set u( to do, fuc$ *it your ead. / e fe* times I did see im again since t e *eird s it started u(% e ad all manner of increasingly &i?arre incidents and set+ u(s to descri&e. It *as ;uite a long story o'er a (eriod of time% &ut I didn5t $ee( any account of it at t e time% and neit er did e as far as I $no*. I can only go on * at I can recall% t oug t e =end5 result *as t at e felt dri'en to c ec$ into t e local loony &in% sorry% mental os(ital% t e Royal Ed% as a 'oluntary (arent. I

>1

t in$ e did it as a *ay of getting out of is flat and off t e streets 6ust to get a &rea$ from t e aggra'ation% * ic % again% is exactly * at t ey *ant% (art of it. I dou&t I5d e'er &e so trusting as far as t e P/- are concerned. I en e *ent along% to c ec$ imself in% t ey% t e doctors% ot ers% didn5t &elie'e im of course, a&out t e multi+stal$ing% t e arassment% t e ill *ill and intent% t e *eird stuffLfear tactics and set+u(s% t e constant ostility% (laying it &y t e &oo$ li$e t e good (lay actors t ey are. I5m not sure * at e told t em exactly% or o* muc % &ut t eir attitude *as it couldn5t &e anyt ing else &ut delusionLs. / ey must &e getting t ousands of t ese re(orts no*, as ex(ected. / ese =false flag5 o(erations are set u( in e'ery *or$(lace% &usiness% and to*n all o'er t e country% as (art of = ealt and safety measures5 in t e full $no*ledge t ey5ll &e im(lemented% yet * en t eir tactics are (ut into o(eration% no one $no*s anyt ing a&out it Q / e =last stra*5 for im *as * en e too$ a tri( to see is mot er u( nort . 3n t e last (art of t e 6ourney e ad ta$e a s ort &oat tri( to get t ere. Ce said t ere *as t e usual *eird e'ents ta$ing (lace from t e outset% suc as cars coming in and mo'ing off% lots of 1+turns in is 'icinity or directly ad6acent% antici(ating is ste(s% t e same (eo(le seen in different locations too often. -ut on t e &oat% in relati'e seclusion and a*ay from t e direct ga?e of t e (u&ic% t e ostility *as more o'ert. Ce descri&ed t em as ma$ing moc$ sta&&ing gestures, clearly intimating t is *as t eir intention. Ce5s not an aggressi'e c aracter% or =toug guy5 in any sense, it frea$ed im out. I t in$ for most (eo(le it *ould &e ;uite unner'ing. I at it does ma$e clear is t e ostile% murderous attitude in'ol'ed in t e (assi'e+ aggressi'e mindset and seemingly innocuous e'ents t ey engineer. / e goal is murder% one *ay or anot er. # tends to &e ;uite sc olarly, e5d recently read a large &iogra( y on Jung% li$es music% (lays classical guitar. Ce does a'e an unmista$a&le (assi'eLsnea$y+aggressi'e strea$ of is o*n t oug , e li$es to gaslig t too, =*ind+u(s5. Ce can manifest it in t e most unex(ected moments% 6ust * en you t in$ you5'e esta&lis ed a close ra((ort. " fe* years &ac$% * en *e *ere s$int 7 &et*een 6o&s in is case 7 and going to a local c arity for free meals% e

>2

once told me t at someone ad &een ta$en to os(ital *it food (oisoning% ad ad to get (art of t eir stomac remo'ed. It sounded li$e orses it to me at t e time and it does still, t at it5s an odd% mor&id t ing to say. I t in$ it stems from some $ind of idden resentment% designed to colourLsour t e ex(erience of going for meals &y (utting a niggling dou&t in my mind as long as I did t at. It5s narcissistic% an as(ect of t e ego5s deat +fixation, call it necro( ilia if you li$e. It sure ain5t ealt yQ minded. So e5s mixed u(% or *as. "ren5t *e all. Ce *as seeing some ne*+agey flo*er c ild ty(e *it a $id% a &oy. Ce5d remar$ on t e unsettling inconsistencies in er (ersonality. S e *as into crystals% 'arious =ne* age5 disci(lines suc as massage% Rei$i+ one of t ose, e'en sa* erself as somet ing of a fortune+teller or (syc ic. -ut cou(led *it t is% s e *as of an oddly ostile% 'iolent frame of mind sometimes% alluding cry(tically to (eo(le s e $ne* in .lasgo* * o *ould sort out someone s e5d ta$en a disli$e to. <ot # as far as I $no*% t oug (er a(s t at *as inted too in t at it could &e t e case in t e future if e didn5t (lay is cards rig t. Some of t e time e ad to calm er do*n * en s e got *or$ed u( o'er some issue or ot er o'er someone. I a'e only is account of t is% &ut it *as t e discre(ancy% t e contrast &et*een er a'o*ed (eaceful% =altruistic5 ent usiasm% and c ildis % 'indicti'e+minded out&ursts e *as remar$ing on t at ad t e sense of aut enticity to me. S e *as seeing some ot er &lo$e% li$ed to (lay games *it #% inting at times t e friends i(Lrelations i( mig t &ecome sexual% &ut at ot er times% &e a'ing as if e5d dis(leased er some o*% t at s e mig t or *as no* s ifting er fa'ours to t e ot er &lo$e. 0ay&e e *as t e one s e came to &e t reatening *it t e .lasgo* ea'ies as I say% * o t e ell $no*sG It5s all a &it of a &lur no*. #5s relations i( *it er% suc as it *as% al*ays sounded 'ery tentati'e. It seemed o&'ious s e *as leading im on% en6oying (laying t e co;uette to is &oo$is Hot ario (ersona. / e funny t ing a&out # is e loo$s li$e an office *or$er *it is (rematurely &ald(ate% t oug is tem(erament is not ing of t e $ind. It *as o&'ious ot ers &oug t into t at a((earance too% &efore &eing disillusioned of it in time.

>3

Ce once told me an amusing anecdote of &eing called into is &oss5s office and gi'en a t oroug dressing do*n, t is included is &oss telling im o* intensely e disli$ed im. Ce told me anot er interesting little tit&it, t at e used to *or$ for t e Scottis Executi'e% and t at sometime after e left% e5d get mysteries calls, t ere *as no one on t e ot er end of t e line% or rat er% no one letting on t ey *ere t ereL ad called im. E'entually% e ad to say into t e ( one t at t ey ad not ing to *orry a&outLconcern t emsel'es o'er% and t at * ate'er e learned t ere% e ad no intention of telling anyone else. Ce ad access to files of some $ind% &ut I can5t recall im going into any details. 0ay&e t at *as intentional. "nd is 6ust as *ell. / e friends i( *it t e eart mot er ty(e tailed off. Per a(s s e got tired of (laying games% may&e e did% I can5t recall. I5d ne'er met er. Sometime after t is% odd% *eird e'ents started a((ening% o&'ious gaslig ting% stal$ing &y 'arious (ersons. I could tell im rig t a*ay * at it *as. I already ad &een telling im. -ut I5'e got a ead of myself. #uring t is time% or (artly% e5d &een *or$ing for some $ind of social *or$ organisation% loo$ing after disa&led adults. 2rom is account% it *as t e usual ot(otc of tri'ial conflicts% nit(ic$ing% faultfinding and (etty one+u(mans i( among staff and &oss lac$eys. I5'e long since forgotten any details. 2rom t ere% t e situation ad deteriorated t roug a =com(any (olicy5 of =micro+managing5 7 an excuse for increased faultfinding% tri'iality and control+frea$ery t roug narcissistic management and *illing lac$eys. It 6ust so a((ened t at t e gaslig ting ad &egun too, increasingly inex(lica&le little incidents at *or$. It *as as li$ely con'eyed t roug all manner of su&liminal gestures and signals e (ic$ed u( on% &ut a s(ecific incidence e told me a&out *as * en% s ortly after e5d &oug t a guitar stool for (laying in is flat% some dor$ at *or$ said to someone% *it in earing% somet ing a&out a'ing got a guitar stool. / ere *ere lots of ot er incidents% t oug I5'e forgotten% &ut t ey centred around information% e'ents in is e'eryday life t ey *ouldn5t &e ex(ected to $no* a&out, it all ser'ed to (ut im increasingly on edge% encouraging a sense of (aranoia and mistrust% dou&t.

>4

3r actual (aranoia. /o call it an o'erreaction is more accurate. / e in'ol'ement *it t e ne* agey Eart 0ot er+cum+ cra?yma$ing &o''er girl (ro&a&ly didn5t el( eit er. / e situation as a * ole *as getting on is ner'es% (laying on is mind% literally. It came to a ead one day at *or$ * en e couldn5t find is mo&ile ( one, e5d loo$ed in is 6ac$et and it *asn5t t ere. <o* e *as sure t is *as a concrete ex(ression of t e ostility t at ad &een s o*n to*ards im for some time no*. Ce *as also out of a mo&ile ( one, e *anted it &ac$, e *asn5t a'ing itLacce(ting t is $ind of &e a'iour% understanda&ly. 2or some reason% e t oug t a &lac$ mem&er of staff ad ta$en it 7 a &ad c oice% if you5re going to accuse anyone Q t oug as e said% e5d laid t e accusation in general% t en came to focus on er, sus(icion o'er somet ing (re'ious ad set it off. I forget if e mentioned it or I as$ed * at. S e *as li'id% (ro&a&ly u(set. "t some (oint% e found t e ( one, it ad gotten tangled in t e lining of is 6ac$et (ic$et some o*. Ce a(ologised. S e com(lained to management% or ot ers did on er &e alf. It5s (ossi&le s e *as *illing to let it go% &ut I dou&t it. / e outcome *as a 'irtual tri&unal% a $angaroo court of sorts. Ce s o*ed me a &unc of se(arate accounts of t e incident from mem&ers of staff% as *ell as management5s assessment of t e situation and * at t eir decision s ould &e% currently on old, e *as on (ro(agation, * ate'er t e management+s(ea$ is for t at. "side from one or t*o% t e accounts *ere o&'iously &iased% full of su&tle% cle'er distortions% rife *it indirect aggression% most nota&ly &y management. Ce got t e sac$. Cis se'erance (ay seemed to &e ;uite su&stantial t oug t ere *as a ;uestion t at e didn5t get all t at e5d ex(ected to get. -ut e ad enoug to li'e on for a * ile% until e got anot er 6o&% t en ad to sign on as unem(loyed * en e *as getting s ort% t oug e did (ic$ u( anot er 6o& later. In t e interim% t e gaslig ting% t e *eirdness% continued% got *orse. Peo(le *ould &e outside on t e street% late% s outing u( at is *indo*. Cis =ex+ girlfriend5% t e Peace and Ho'e ad'ocate for a &etter *orld% (assed is *indo* one day *it er ne* &oyfriend% &ot tal$ing a&out im in a loud 'oice. Small grou(s of (eo(le *ould &e

>>

standing in t e street in close 'icinity * en e *ent out% t en *ould stare at im% or mo'e off. / e 'e icular arassment &egan% t e stal$ing on foot, e5d get ( one calls. / ere *as a $noc$ on is door one day and a young girl *as t ere. I forget * at = er5 (retext *as. / is is clearly guilt &y association, t e $ind of t ing t at loo$s 'ery sus(ect to anyoneLt e neig &ours, t e 'ery fact it too$ (lace at all or a'ing to mention it in any context. Presuma&ly t ey t in$ e5s mentally illLde'iant or some $ind of su&'ersi'e. -ut clearly someone ad decided t ey don5t li$e im. It5s difficult to say at * at (oint t is came a&out exactly% and * y. If it a((ened due to not fitting in *it *or$ in some *ay% exacer&ated &y t e gaslig ting mind games% o* did t e =ex+galfriend5 get ro(ed into itG If s e *as some o* t e instigator% did it s(read to is 6o&G / ere *ere one or t*o (eo(le at *or$ t at e got on *it % as you5d ex(ect% male and female. Ce5d meet one *oman for coffee sometimes. / ey ne'er ga'e any indication t ere *as anyt ing unto*ard going on in any definite *ay. I t in$ e *as left as (u??led as e'er. I t in$ it *as as li$ely t e initial conflicts at *or$ t at set it off, t at t e narcissists% *it t e collusion of management% ganged u( on im% $no*ing it *ould only get *orse for im. / ey set t e =gangstal$ing5 arassment and stal$ing into o(eration% as *ell as carrying it on t emsel'es. / e =.S5 minions *ould find out is immediate circumstances% * om e $no*s% sees% and inter(ret it as t ey c oose% as narcissists do, t ey ma$e t e assum(tion e'eryone as ulterior moti'es as t ey do. In a dog eat dog% Social #ar*inist *orld% t ere5s no (ossi&ility of true altruism% or e'en conflicted emotions due to t e cra?yma$ing narcissism and mixed messages of ot ers li$e t em. !all it uns(o$en collusion% rig t across t e &oard% as it is *it t e system as a * ole. I ate'er t e case% it culminated in t e im(lied deat t reats on t e &oat on t e *ay to see is mot er u( nort % t en committing imself 'oluntarily due to stress o'er t e stal$ing% arassment and general &ut organised cra?yma$ingLgaslig ting. I also t in$ t e =guided con'ersation5 at *or$ and outside is flat *as engineered t roug t e .S minions accessing is flat to snoo( around * en e *as out% as *ell as t roug tailingLstal$ing im.

>B

/ ere5s not ing =(syc ic5 or (aranormal a&out it. Ce5s got on t e *rong side of t e narcissists. / ey $no* e5s not one of / em. It5s a (ity e didn5t seem to &e inclined to *rite% or not muc . Ce *as al*ays more *or$ oriented in t e con'entional sense during t e time I $ne* im% and it *as o'er a fe* years. I5d met im at St !at 5s% t e c arity * ere t ey ser'e meals. It5s al*ays (ossi&le t ey started *atc ing and stal$ing im t roug me. I *as staying in a ;uite residential area &efore I mo'ed ere to matrix central. / e last (lace &ecame as muc of a matrix due to t e nosy neig &ours directly o((osite% a middle+aged cou(le *it clearly not ing &etter to do &ut *atc you li$e a a*$, a sign of t e times. / ere *ere a younger (rofessional cou(le o((osite too% *it t*o $ids% girls% &ut on t e * ole t ey *ere rarely any &ot er% (atronisingly stuc$+u( as t ey *ere, it *as t eir immediate neig &ours * o seemed to &e filled *it a self+ rig teous% seet ing atred of all t ings unort odox 7 or single men not tra((ed in t e ell of &argains and com(romise t at (asses for oly union as t ey *ere. / ey5d go off to some* ere &rainless on oliday e'ery year and come &ac$ *it exactly t e same myo(ic% small+minded% (etty% tri'ial% ate+filled attitude. I o said tra'el &roadens t e mindG -ut it5s a long and tedious story. So long and tedious% t ere *ere far more interesting t ings to *rite a&out along *it it% so I did% t en it &ecame so long I ne'er got around to editing it all. I *rote a more com(act% co esi'e account later% in long and% 6ust a fe* years ago after I5d mo'ed into t is flat. 0y com(uter (ac$ed u( after I5d clic$ed on a &ogus Iindo*s &ox t at a((eared on t e screen. I5d &een in t e middle of *riting somet ing else% and% still in full flo*% decided to carry on in long and% &ut &egan somet ing else. / e account of t e increasing% t en un&elie'a&le arassment of &efore% came to mind. I filled a large format 200+ (age (ad% &ot sides% ready to carry on *it anot er one% &ut after mentioning it to my dad on t e ( one% it *ent missing. I already $ne* t is mig t a((en% &ut didn5t $ee( my mout s ut. It5s carried on since t en in any case% *it fluctuating fre;uency% t en% I see in retros(ect% and almost ine'ita&ly% exacer&ating as circumstances and t is system5s agendas dictate. / at5s t e

>K

reason for t is account% so far. / e situation is ongoing% as is it for undreds of t ousands of targeted indi'iduals. "s (eo(le a'e said% in ot er% if related contexts% it *ill get *orse &efore it gets &etter. / is is exactly * at a((ens and a((ened. / is system of co'ert genocide *ill eit er come to an end% if gradually% or (eo(le *ill continue to die% t roug suicide or staged =accidents5% or &e committed or incarcerated t roug t eir set+u(s. Dour good community neig &our ood *atc and t e rest% in tandem *it some (olice along *it t e t ousands of friendly neig &our ood garden 'ariety socio(at s recruited to relentlessly stal$% arass and set u(Lcollude in staged accidents t roug co'ert and often indirect means% a'e set t emsel'es u( as 6udge% 6ury and executioner. -ut in a (assi'e+aggressi'e society t at sees its sins and inade;uacies in con'enient ot ers% it *as ine'ita&le t at =cons(icuous sur'eillance5 *ould mor( into unrelenting co'ert arassment and stal$ing. Is t at really so sur(risingG / e <ormals *ere ne'er normal. <ot &y a long s ot.

I read !arissa !onti on =gangstal$ing5 again. It5s &een a * ile. I could do *it reading it again. Cer u(dated article: .angstal$ing and Cy(erdimensional 0atrix "ttac$s% on er In /*o Iorlds site. I t in$ it@s 'ery good, s e@s (retty su&tle. I t in$ !! its t e nail on t e ead * en s e tal$s a&out narcissists and (ersonality disorders, t at t ere are (eo(le * o seem

>M

determined to see t emsel'es as 'ictims. Some are self+a((ointed aut orities on t e su&6ect, mani(ulati'e narcissists% o(eless egotists and s ameless self+aggrandisers. S e also mentions (eo(le * o 7 I@ll a'e to gi'e it an once+o'er again, I read it last nig t &efore I *ent to &ed. It@s &est to do it first t ing% 6ust &efore *riting. -ut I t in$ * at s e said% s(ecifically% is t at some targets seem almost too credulous, t ey@re too $een to read interference into e'eryt ing% suc as * en one I read states 'irtually as fact t at t ey mani(ulate is dreams. I@m not saying t ey can@t &ut I *as immediately% naturally sce(tical of t is. Co* can e &e so sureG / e content of dreams is ne&ulous and confusing enoug as it is. Det% e states matter+of+factly t at t ey influence or e'en direct is dreams. Is e some $ind of dream ex(ert t at e can $no* t is for sureG Is e e'en a*are t at muc of * at e *rites% interesting and t oug t+(ro'o$ing as it is% often reads li$e science fiction or some $ind of fantasyG It@s almost as if e@s (reac ing to t e mainly con'erted% 6ust li$e aforementioned targets. / ey5re 'ery muc of t e mindset t at to &e a @/I@ is 'ery muc of an exclusi'e clu& * ere only 'ery s(ecial targets can e'en &e considered as suc and ta$en seriously. / ey are% as !! $no*s% 'ery attac ed to t eir suffering. "nd% as s e $no*s also% t ey@re not 'ery o(en to t e (ossi&ility t at t ey (artly &ring it on t emsel'es and $ee( it t at *ay &y t eir o*n attitudes. / at% as s e says% t ey% t e =<egs5 7 negati'e entities% feed on lo* 'i&rations% of fear. It@s all fear 7 anger% guilt 7 it@s all guilt 7 frustration% etc. S e doesn@t s(eculate as to * y. In fact% considering er gras( of t e situation in most of its seemingly se(arate as(ects% t ere@s eit er muc s e@s not saying% or it@s 6ust ama?ing s e asn@t (ut t is toget er more. 0ay&e s e lea'es t at to er &oyfriend /omL@0ontau$@. / is is t e y(erdimensional matrix as(ect s e tal$s a&out. I ere (eo(le a'e descri&ed t e su((osedly almost su(ernatural a&ility of t e (er(s 7 as loaded a term as gangstal$ers% as s e $no*s 7 to second+guess t eir targets% suc as 7 and t is is a s(ecific exam(le s e cites 7 a((earing at a (articular (lace a ead of t e target * en only t e target $ne* t ey intended to &e t ere. -ut as I read on anot er *e&site a * ile &ac$% * at t ey do 7 or all

>N

t ey need do% is a'e a (erson follo*ing from &e ind% * et er on foot or &y car% * o contacts anot er one a ead of t em% * o of course% needs only to &e a ead of t em in t e direction t ey@re going in. It@s not as if t ey@re literally dri'ing into t e store or * ere'er. It ta$es a little time to get t ere. / at% and if t ey@'e already &een *atc ing t em% t ey@ll a'e a good idea of t eir li$ely destinationLs in ad'ance. "s for t e a((arently uncanny sync ronisation at ot er times and (laces% suc as 'arious t ings t at a((en * en t e target enters or lea'es t eir @a(artment@% say% suc as someone coug s% or an alarm goes off% an engineLcar starts u(% I 6ust t in$ t ey@re &oringly% tediously (atient. / ey@'e &een *aiting. "nd * en t ey @get@ t eir target% it ma$es it all t e more satisfying and =*ort * ile5. "nd t at@s surely * at it@s all a&outG / e delusion of @*inning@, it5s a&out one+u(mans i(, trium( , t e su(eriority and sur'i'al of t e cle'erest. !! as a little anecdote a&out er 1K year old &rot er * o% * en e *as finis ed *it @6u'i all@ disco'ered e *as &eing tailed &y 'arious 'e icles. It sto((ed as s e says * en e started laying into one% $ic$ing t e car and screaming% EI at t e fuc$ do you wantFOOO 0ay&e so. -ut t is is also t e e;ui'alent of (unc ing someone 7 assault 7 8or damage of (ro(erty9% and anyone * o (unc es someone as lost if not t at (lot% t en at least t e argument% as assault can only e'er &e 6ustified in self+ defense, 8t oug admittedly it could &e argued it@s self+defense as t e arassment is a su&tle and met odical form of attac$ and in essence is (ro'ocation9 also (lays rig t into t eir ands in so many *ays t at s e con'eniently or carelessly ignores. If a co( ad seen it 7 and it@s clear t ey@re in'ol'ed in .S too% anot er as(ect s e seems o&li'ious too% t en t ey could a'e got er &rot er (ut rig t &ac$ in 6u'enile all. 3r% in t e case of an adult% a'e im arrested or committed as mentally unsta&le. "s I say% s e@s *ell a*are of t e connections% suc as * en s e says t ey mimic t e $no*n sym(toms of mental illness% s(ecifically sc i?o( renia, &ut s e doesn@t (ut it toget er, t at t is is t e o&'ious intention% t at it@s all a set u(. Dou@d t in$ s e@d see t at% in t e case of er younger &rot er 7 or at least t e (ossi&ility of it.

B0

In s ort% is res(onse (ro&a&ly isn@t to &e recommended% o*e'er tem(orarily satisfying. / oug for erself% s e does say one can dance around or * ate'er, 6ust don@t ta$e it seriously, don@t &e a source of negati'e 'i&es for t em% t at t ey feed on, s e@s correct. / ey@re laug ing at ot ers in t eir facile *ay, t e last t ug t ey li$e or *ant is for it not to &e ta$en seriously% for clearly t ere5s a serious intent &e ind it% o*e'er deluded. / ey mig t laug % &ut it@s no 6o$e to t em * en t ey see it@s little more t an a 6o$e to you, t en * o@s 6o$ing exactlyG If t ey can elicit a res(onse of rage% of frustration% anger 7 if t ey $no* t ey get under your s$in% * ile t ey ide &e ind actions 'irtually or almost literally indistinguis a&le from e'eryday e'ents 7 t eir modus o(erandi 7 t en it@s @*or$ing@ isn@t itG / ey @got@ you. / ey@'e @(ro'ed@% to t emsel'es% you% and t eir @su(eriors@ t at t e strategy of snea$y% @(assi'e5, indirect aggression is su(erior% t e sur'i'al of t e cle'erest% t e slyest% t e most cunning. !le'erness is une;ui'ocally of t e ego. / ey@'e ne'er learned t e difference &et*een cle'erness and *isdom. It@s a (syc o(at ic strategy and system% decided on &y cle'er% (syc o(at ic minds furt er u( t e c ain. 2or * ic reason it@s doomed to failure% e'en if only as a matter of e'olution. I dou&t t e means to a((iness, t e a((arent (u??le of t e existence of t e uni'erse 7 and lo'e 7 is &ased on tric$ery. -ut 'ision *as ne'er t eir t ing. It@s also as e'ident t at t ey &elie'e it is lo'e or a form of lo'e% ot er*ise% t ey *ouldn@t% li$e e'ery fundamentalist% &e so ateful and self+rig teous a&out it. !! sees it as a form of (ossession, t at t ey@re demonic% 'irtually demons% in% t at negati'e entities are *or$ing t roug t em. I@'e little dou&t s e@s rig t% t oug it@s all a matter of inter(retation. I don@t t in$ t ere are actual demons as suc , it@s (syc ological% alt oug admittedly% it mig t not seem li$e it sometimes. !onsidering o* self+rig teously mean t ey can &e it@s easy to confuse t e ego *it some $ind of demonic (ossession. -ut 6ust o* far does t is connection goG "s far as you li$e% it seems. "s I said% it@s as if s e as an accurate andle on almost e'ery instance &ut doesn@t 6oin t e dots% so s e doesn@t see o* connected% calculated it all is.

B1

It mig t &e &ecause s e@s as muc concerned a&out distancing erself as o&6ecti'ely as (ossi&le from t e ( enomenon as *ell as t e (eo(le% often un&alanced as s e (oints out% * o acce(t it literally 7 and doesn@t *ant to come across as credulous erself% or as in any *ay (aranoid% and so &e accused of (aranoia. -ut s e seems to &e a*are of t is as * en s e remar$s on 'irtual it+ (ieces on =.S5% suc as &y / e <e* Dor$ /imes% and also <e*s*ee$ on #a'id Ic$e and is @cons(iracy t eories@. "s s e says% usually * en (eo(le are self+e'idently @cra?y@% one doesn@t *aste time on it or t em% so% someone must &e feeling t reatened. I ic is also anot er *ay of saying s e doesn5t see it all as cra?y of course% as s e@s ex(erienced it erself, &ut s e@s o&6ecti'e and smart enoug not to define erself as a target, in s ort% a @'ictim@% for t at@s a * ole ot er state of mind% and a mindset s e criticises. "nd s e@s correct% for it@s all circular. I t in$ t e (ro&lem mig t &e t e difference in outloo$ or inter(retation &et*een erself and some of t e more @ ardcore@ targets% * o see t emsel'es as in'ol'ed in a *ar 7 literally, it is a form (syc ological *arfare 7 and are not *illing to gi'e u( t eir ard *on &attles and sense of trium( o'er a'ing endured it and still sur'i'ed, &ut% 6ust as s e says% t ey see t emsel'es as innocent 'ictims% *it literally no in(ut into t eir (redicament% and on t e face of it t ey may *ell &e correct% or some of t em 7 only% seeing yourself as &eing treated unfairly for no reason at all is a reci(e for a self+rig teous fury as muc on t e same le'el as t e @(er(s@. 2or * ate'er reason t ey do it% * ate'er t ey feel t reatened &y% t ey@re no less furious and = olier t an t ou5 a&out it5. @/Is5 need to see some @middle ground@ in t e situation% o*e'er 6ustified t ey mig t feel in seeing not ing of t e $ind. -ut t e fact is t at e'en t oug *e may not &e res(onsi&le for t e actions and t oug ts of ot ers 7 t at@s t eir c oice% and it@s al*ays &ased on (ro6ection% o*e'er 6ustified t ey mig t see it 7 *e@re res(onsi&le for o* *e c oose to react to it, and t at@s a matter of inter(retation% as is e'eryt ing in t is *orld. It@s nig on or literally im(ossi&le to intentionally not notice or forget somet ing, and oftentimes it can seem t at t ese idiots are u( in your face all of t e time% in t at t e (syc ological%

B2

emotional as(ects are t at t ey infiltrate one5s t oug ts also% es(ecially in antici(ated arassment 7 t e t oug t of it reoccurring as soon as you go outside. -ut t at@s as muc &ased on uncertainly% dou&ting your a&ility to andle t e situation in t at one isn@t sure * at t e correct res(onse to cle'er insanity s ould &e, or li$e a comedian * o asn@t t oug t of or learned some come&ac$sLri(ostes to deal *it ec$lers. If you@re not (re(ared% t at *ill &e * at you dread t e most, and @(aranoia@ 7 t e ego 7 *ill do t e rest% in'enting all manner of e'en more dreadful scenarios, * ere *ill it all endG I en you do forget somet ing% your mind (reoccu(ied *it ot er t ings% you don@t e'en notice. 3r *ouldn@t. / ey $ee( reminding you. Dou forget ot er t ings% t roug constant distraction. -ut if t ey *ere in'isi&le% you *ouldn@t notice, t oug you@d ear t em. If you *ere deaf too% you *ouldn@t% t oug t at *ould &e e'en more dangerous in com&ination of course 8/ ere5s al*ays y(noses9. If t ey didn@t exist% or you $ne* t ey didn@t% e'en t oug you could see and ear t em% * ic *ould &e &etter. /o 6ust see t em as (art of your dream% and t oug you may &e in t e dream% or seem to &e and can seem to &e armed ( ysically% you $no* t at in reality you can@t &e as you@re not a &ody in reality% only in t e dream. It@s all a&out im(lied t reat% and t e sense of 'ulnera&ility is t e &asis of t e t reat of course, &ut if you $ne* you *ere t e dreamer and not t e dream% t en you@d $no* t ere@s no need to ta$e dreams ;uite so seriously. / ey% t e dream figures% to (ara( rase " !ourse In 0iracles% could &e as 'icious and s(iteful as t ey li$ed% &ut no one need react to a dream if s e *as sure it@s only a dream. / oug in t e dream% you could second+guess t em too% (ic$ on t e connections% t eir tric$s and games% as *ell as react as you c oose% &ut careful ne'er to confuse t e dream *it reality% $no*ing it ne'er can &e% * en you forget. -ut as t e !ourse also says% fearful (eo(le can &e 'icious. "nd t ere5s no denying you can &e urt in e'eryday 3# =reality5 7 t e ologram. / e @danger@ is in t at in reacting% res(onding% o*e'er umorously% it *ill al*ays a'e an element of anger% of t e *is to get ones o*n &ac$% to =trium( 5 o'er t em or someone% getting your o*n &ac$% =e;ualising5 t e

B3

situation and getting suc$ed in again as a conse;uence% * ereas *it no res(onse to s(ea$ of% exce(t =a'oidance5 7 sideste((ing it% and carrying on *it your &usiness% t is is more conduci'e to an attitude of detac ment, at least on t e face of it, (assi'ity can &e as muc &ased on a reaction% of fear% or anger% or condemnation if t e attitude remains t e same, * ereas singing% or dancing% or t um&ing a lift 8 aO9 or free?ing in (lace for a second or t*o to antici(ate t e smartarse s enanigans% or *al$ing in slo* motion for t e same% or a&out+ turning t en &ac$ again or s(itting or dro((ing somet ing or tri((ing 7 and tri((ing again or staggering around li$e a drun$% or imitating an a(e and *al$ing around in circles * ile you scratc your scal( *it one and 6ust as t ey come (arallel or after t ey@'e (assed andLor sto((ed... can &e as muc &ased on a relati'ely lig t+ earted detac ment, unli$e t eir falseLfacile @lig t+ eartedness@ and (seudo+detac ment. / e lo*er 'i&ration or fre;uency t at !! tal$s a&out is t eirs. / e (ur(ose is to get and $ee( you on t at le'el too% t roug constant sensitisation% anc oring% and sync ronisation. So t ey can feed off negati'e emotions% 6ust as s e says. -ut * yG "not er *ay of (utting it is t at t ey *ant to stimulate t e "mygdala% t e re(tilian (art of t e &rain, t e (art concerned *it (rimal emotion% of =fig t or flig t5, sur'i'al. It also $ee( our attention 7 6ust li$e t eirs 7 directed out*ards% loc$ed in a lo*er 'i&rational fre;uency% rat er t an in*ards% and% as *e all $no*% it@s t roug directing our attention in*ards t at *e come to t e source of our &eing% our true self. / e ego counsels us t at to loo$ in*ards is a &ad t ing% and 'ery dangerous. / ese (eo(le are in fear of t emsel'es. / ey loo$ outside of t emsel'es% to ot ers% outside aut orities for direction% (ur(ose% guidance, t e cle'erest. It@s all &ased on fear, you could call it a form of co*ardice if it *eren@t for t at &ot co*ardice and courage are as(ects of t e same illusion, ego. t t t t If our reality is our real Self as ! rist in .od% t en it can@t &e reatened, courage is of t e ego, not ing of .od can &e truly reatened or destroyed. / ere@s not ing to defend% &ecause ere@s not ing to lose. / ere are no trium( s, trium( is only of e ego% only @real@ in t e illusion% t e dream.

B4

Ca'ing s(outed t e r etoric% it5s extremely difficult to $ee( t is in mind% let alone (ut it into any $ind of (ractice. / e c oice is% I $no*% al*ays &et*een t e ego and t e Coly S(irit 8or Cig er Self9% t e un oly and oly instant% &ut t ere5s al*ays t at (art of us% =t e im( of t e (er'erse5% t at *is es to t ro* self+restraint to t e *ind and let ri(% not unli$e t e resolution of er younger &rot er as s e descri&es. In fact 6ust as you t in$ you5re getting some* ere% t at5s * en itLt e egoL5you5 are li$ely to act u(. / e (ro&lem is% a((arently% resistance+ in t e 2reudian sense% and t e attac ment to our indi'iduality% and unconscious guilt. Ie &elie'e t at to let go of our grie'ances is to lose our 'ery sense of self% as t e ego is * at and * o *e &elie'e *e are. / e =gangstal$ing5 strategies% &ased on t e (ro6ected guilt of t e ego% are designed to $ee( t e target5s attention 8and t eir o*n9 ri'eted to t e (ast and (ast un(leasantness5% antici(ating t e same in t e (resent and future% *it no let u(. It5s a &lue(rint for demoralisation &ased on tried and tested (syc ological *arfare o(erationsLtactics. So% regardless of * at !! says in do*n(laying t e met odical% organised as(ect of all t is% it5s clear it is a glo&al if =unofficial5 (olicy. 3ne could ta$e t e 'ie* t at t e =negs5 are &e ind it all if you li$e% * et er as male'olent s(irits or t e interdimensional fles +eating Re(toids *or$ing t roug t e IlluminateLP/-L5Elite5 on &e alf of t e <I3% and as s e &elie'es% /Is are mixing u( t*o different as(ects, &ut it doesn5t alter t e fact it5s co+ordinated% and (er a(s all t e more so for * ate'er as(ect of t e a&o'e turns out to &e a((lica&le. Sometimes I t in$ s e5s &ending o'er &ac$*ard not to seem too credulous, or (er a(s t ere5s an underlying anxiety t at if s e identifies erself as a'ing &een targeted% t at mig t gi'e t em t e go+a ead to start it all u( again. It5s all Efigurati'eF and Esu((osedF * en it comes to gangstal$ing in relation to erself. I do understand t at s e doesn5t see erself as a 'ictim and is at (ains to a'oid t at mindset% &ut it5s as if s e *ants to (resent erself as a'ing &een =gangstal$ed5 and says as muc % so s e as some aut ority &ased on ex(erience 8t e =/Is5 s e remar$s on are 'ery (reoccu(ied *it t is as(ect% * ereas ex(erience is only t e

B>

false em(at y of t e ego intent on ma$ing illusions of sin% guilt and fear real9% "not er reason could &e t at as *ell as t e stigma of mental illness 8often intentionally9 attac ed to targets% s e almost ta$es t e side of (syc iatrists% (laying t e de'il5s ad'ocate again% citing t e classic set u( 7 (syc iatry diagnosing targets of gangstal$ing as sc i?o( renic 7 so t at t e P/- can diagnose =mental illness5 as terrorism as it suits t em. It is all a&out t e so+called *ar on terror% after all% and on some le'el% s e must &e a*are of o* it5s all interconnected% o*e'er distortedly &y t e (at ocracy. / is mig t ex(lain * y s e sees t e more (aranormal as(ectLs% suc as alien a&duction too% as more acce(ta&le% intriguing as it is. / e irony of course is in t at many mig t see t at as cra?ier or more unli$ely t an t e idea t at a s ado* go'ernment ires agents from e'ery community on a glo&al scale to stal$ and ultimately destroy designated =enemies of t e state5. 2rom er 'ie*(oint% s e sees many /Is as too literalistic% and I agree. Ie5re all 'ery attac ed to our ='ictim ood5 and suffering for t e reasons touc ed on &efore. Some (eo(le% /Is included% ta$e t e 'ie* t at a&ductions are carried out solely &y elements of t e military+industrial+ com(lex. 3r is it some $ind of allucination% a glo&al delusion% e'en t oug t ey5re all telling 'ery similar storiesG It5s almost as if !! seems to &e una*are of t e istory of (eo(le a((ro(riated &y fascist states for t e (ur(ose of undermining and destroying internal enemies% as e'en a cursory &ro*se of / e Cidden E'il &y 0ar$ Ric ma$es clear. "nd most (eo(le a'e eard of t e Stasi. -ut s e5s *ell a*are of it: But one thing led to another and soon I was Googling gang stalkers and targeted individuals and checking out sites like Gang Stalking World and becoming informed about this apparently growing sub culture of our society! born out of "#I$%&'()# and *c"arthyism+ Government sanctioned gang stalking activity supposedly gets people to spy on their neighbors in the style of "old ,ar eastern bloc countries! using -tasi &ast German influenced hand signals! incorporating modern program tactics such as %I(-! and the spot the terrorist. post /011 (atriot 2ct

BB

mentality+ %hey recruit people who either get off on the power trip of it all! or who might believe they3re doing a patriotic good thing by spying for their country and following an innocent person around who! often times! they3ve been lied to about+ Su((osedlyG S e refuses to ma$e any lin$ *it t e =<egs5% as s e calls t em 7 negati'e entities and demonic (ossession 7 and t e scenario and agenda #a'id Ic$e descri&es% o*e'er =exotic5 er outloo$. -ut I5d a'e to read er &oo$ to &e sure. It5s o&'ious to 6ust a&out anyone *it eyes in t eir ead t at *e5'e &een *ell on t e *ay to a (olice state for years% and t at t e =*ar on terror5 is a load of &alls for t e most (art% * ic % as *it t e Patriot "ct and no* t e <#""% is &asically a green lig t for murder t oug secret (urges% decided on &y * ate'er as(ect of local go'ernment ta$es it u(on t emsel'es to =clean u(5 t eir communities, t ere *ill ne'er &e any s ortage of ta$ers. / e 'enal% t e narcissistic% t e mediocre *ere t ere in t e *ings all along% as al*ays, or *aiting to cra*l out of t e *ood*or$. S e also seems to &e una*are t at t e intent is murder% as snea$y aggression as al*ays &een% e'en t oug s e5s ex(erienced it on a (ersonal le'el as a $id% $no*s t e intent is to destroy, as if s e5ll only ac$no*ledge it in less (otentially com(romising contexts. =I at is not lo'e is murder.5 "!I0. S e5s &lissfully una*are of t e staged accidents% t e set u(s E/a$e a ( otogra( .F 3f t e stal$ers stal$ing you in t eir cars etc. 8Dou5ll &e arrested and c arged for &e a'ing in a =sinister5 fas ion and for causing fear and alarm5Lterrorising innocent (eo(le. / ey a'e it all figured out9. Similarly% if you =lose t e (lot5 and get laid into one of t eir cars as s e remar$s on er younger &rot er doing% t ere is t e (ossi&ility it *ill get rid of some misguided locals recruited for 6ust t at (ur(ose. -ut it5s 6ust as li$ely to &e exacer&ated no* t at t ey $no* * at (us es your &uttons% not to mention t e aforementioned set u(s. "re you going to lay into e'ery 'e icle t at intentionally comes your *ayG / ey (ractice e'ery 'ariation under t e sun. Ie5ll &e coming to t at. 3ne could say it all de(ends on 6ust * om you5'e (issed off and t e le'el of t e ta$edo*n (rogram you5'e &een designated for. If t ey5re out to

BK

destroy you% e'eryt ing *ill &e monitored and re(orted &ac$ to see$ any means of using it furt er against you. It5s not a democracy. It5s t e facilitation of &ringing in a *orld dictators i( &y co'ert means. It isn5t =*oo *oo5 stuff as s e also terms it.F Dou don5t scare t em all a*ay. / ey5re out to terrorise you. It5s not reci(rocal. / ey5re not out to =(lay fair5. It5s li$e t e destroyer (lanet t ingummy in / e 2ift Element. I ate'er t e arrogant President orders t ro*n at it% it $ee(s gro*ing and gro*ing until it destroys t em% only in t is case% t e arrogance stems from u(side+do*n (erce(tion of y(ocritical =do+gooders5. It5s all a co'er for ig er ec elon crimes in any case. "nd t e 'er&al a&use and ot er% no dou&t countless forms of a&use% as *ell as t e enforced isolation of social ostracism inflicted on t e Je*s &y t e <a?is *as only t e (relude to far more grandiose o&6ecti'es% and for t e *orld as a * ole. I can5t say t e e'idence for 2ema !am(s and coffins% designated = olding areas5 etc.% 7 ostensi&ly for =natural disasters5 7 and =su((osed5 gas (i(esLc am&ers (u??les or sur(rises me any more. I en t e dictators i( is in (lace% *e5ll &e finding out 6ust o* =delusional5 t e =gangstal$ing5 *as and * at it5s for. / e ti( of t e nice&erg. / e P/- a'e a long+term plan for t is (lanet. It5s a nasty &usiness. 3ne mig t ex(ect t ere to &e an element of o&fuscation or disingenuous in er account and inter(retations &ased on denial and unconscious fear alone. I think it%s pro"a"ly accurate! ;ust as -- descri"es! that these entities! the 5egs as she calls them! have some kind of overall picture7 that they stand "oth within and without the matri ! or can at will. This is in line with their a"ility to travel and manifest interdimensionally I think. $ccording to >avid Icke! they know! as does the Illuminati! the power "ehind the :T6! that our and their e istence is fundamentally similar to a computer . a pretty super computer . that the world! and the universe! life as we know it! is hologrammatic7 it%s ;ust one "ig hologram! and the reason "ehind the constant interference! and on so many different levels through diet and endless and increasingly draconian laws and restrictions and electromagnetic interference is to reprogramme the internal computer! to keep it locked into their

BM

low vi"rational fre/uency. The consolidation of this! along with a cashless society to have us "e totally dependant on the regulations and whims of the system or anything of it! is the goal for everyone to "e microchipped. Then they%ll have the a"ility to influence our moods9emotions and thoughts directly7 even assassinate people at will. Who8s going to know? Their pharmaceuticals are as good as "ought off at it is. What doctor is going to "low the whistle when they8re su";ect as much to the same treatment if they step out of line? $nything else will "e dismissed as paranoia. If anything! we%ll "e in such a conditioned state of fear we%ll stop ourselves from even thinking the thought7 or any thought that could "e interpreted as su"versive or %craAy%. $nd that really will "e craAy. This system would have it that there%s no internal life! or %home% to go to. The corporeal world will "e the only reality7 it will "e the ultimate deflationary triumph of the fundamentalist materialists! the "anishing of @od from memory altogether. 3$ccording to Icke! the decision for this specifically! took place at Edin"urgh )niversity in DGDJ4. 0f course one has to "e aware of something on some level to want to disassociate from it! "ut that%s dissociation for you7 and denial and pro;ection. I%ve known for well over BC years that the universe is hologrammatic! a pro;ection of the mind. It%s there in -arey%s The Third Millennium! from DGGD9'K! and "efore that! in +tarseed Transmissions! from DG'B9K'.

BN

I could *rite 6ust for myself. / at@s * at I@d told myself I@d do o'er a year ago. I ad it all figured out% imagining o* muc I *ould *rite a day. / at *it no ones o(inion to concern myself o'er% I could *rite li$e a madman% ta$e t e 'ie* t at circumstances are &asically irrele'ant as long as I can continue *riting. / at e'en if I *as ric % I could *rite and read only so muc in any case. "nd e'en if I *as ric % I@d read t e same t ings in any case% do t e same t ings% if not ;uite. I tend to see tra'el as a &it of a *aste of time% still. 3 I@d lo'e to see lots of (laces% 6ust for t e sa$e of it% t e no'elty. Cell% I@d e'en li$e to li'e in <e* Dor$% at least for a little * ile% if I could% still% let alone *al$ t e streets% c ec$ out t e famous landmar$s% and stand at t e to( of t e Em(ire State -uilding. "nd see /imes S;uare at nig t 8t oug <e* Dor$% as *it !alifornia% is &ad for =gangstal$ing59. 3r go to Ja(an% as in Host in /ranslation% t e film *it -ill 0urray and Scarlet Jo ansson. I@d 'isit all manner of stu(id (laces. I@d go and see films day in% day out. 3r% li$e ! arlie S een I could s(end it on = oo$ers5, sa'e all t at @com(lication@% as e said. <ot t at I really &elie'e t at. I don@t t in$ t at@s * at sex is a&out. I@m reminded of !olin Iilson@s c aracter .erard Sorme in / e 0an Iit out a S ado*% * ere e says% li'ing in !amden /o*n% Hondon% t at if e (ic$ed u( a (rostitute e (ro&a&ly *ouldn@t &e a&le to (erform, a remar$ t at tends to &ring Ioody "llen in Slee(er to mind. "lso% in Ritual in t e #ar$% some years earlier% !I as Sorme s(eculate t at it@s 6ust as *ell e@s in t e (osition e@s in% t at of an @3utsider@ *it a small (ri'ate income% for if e *ere ric e *ould only *aste it going to see !allas in 0ilan% instead of getting t e *riting done t at e *anted to do% of course% and did. !olin Iilson *as s(ea$ing as muc for imself. It raises t e ;uestion as to * et er t e &est *or$ is done under limited circumstances, or any *or$ at all% if t ey@re t e *orst circumstances. 3r% to (ut it anot er *ay% o* does a *riter reconcile t e need for ex(erience to =inform5 is *or$ *it out it &ecoming a distraction and a indrance. In fact% !I as Sorme contem(late t e ;uestion in is first no'el Ritual in t e #ar$ &ac$

K0

in 1N>N. 0y situation% could &e see as one of t e *orst% tec nically% considering I@m under almost constant (syc ological o((ression, t e @no+touc 5 torture eugenics in my o*n neig &our ood, all o'er to*n in fact. It@s no* t is city against me. " situation Sorme ne'er en'isaged. <or did !olin Iilson * en e *rote a&out t e &enefits of =neig &our ood *atc 5 in t e (reface to Iritten in -lood% a istory of forensic detection. Ce *as al*ays oddly naU'e t at *ay% or it@s &ecome a((arent to me o'er t e years. " case of denial I t in$. Ce ad a family to t in$ of. I y get on t e *rong side of t e terminal @do+gooders@ and t e P/-G Ce denied t e existence of any sinister scenario as (ortrayed &y Pic$nett and Prince in / e Stargate !ons(iracy. <o *onder e descri&ed "!I0 as og*as , is cle'er% snidy little (un. I@d (issed im off. Ce does ma$e a (assing reference to neig &our ood 'igilantes in / e Encyclo(aedia of 0odern 0urder% &ac$ in t e early M0s. I *as reading t e &oo$ t en, it *asn5t somet ing I (ic$ed u( on at t e time. -ut in reading im on terrorism and t e -aader+0ein of .ang and ot ers% it seemed a((arent t at terrorism *as t e 5(erfect5 unreasona&le% co*ardly crime, t at t ere *as no *ay to counter it t at I could see. / is as =(ro'ed5 to &e t e case. It ad t e force of an e(i( any * ile I *as (icnic$ing one sunny afternoon on "rt ur5s Seat% ere in Edin&urg . I $id t ee not. Hoo$ * at5s it5s mor( ed into, a glo&al (syc osis. <a?i Eart . 2unny% I (iss e'eryone off at some (oint or ot er, t e (assi'e+ aggressi'e umorists. It@s a *eird t oug t t at I (iss off famous (eo(le, comedians too. / eir fame is more mainstream% larger. / ey li$e me too. 3r at least t e o(en+minded fe* do. -ut yes% little old me as t e cause of t at reaction in t em, feeling t reatened, (syc ologically I mean% emotionally% not (ersonally. It@s a small *orld. "nd curiously small minds sometimes% &ut t at@s t e Internet. "ma?ing. It@s almost more fascinating t an actual ex(eriences% in'ol'ements% and relations i(s. "lmost e'eryt ing I a'e is indirect. / ere@s an irony. 2unny% * at I said a&out *riting for myself again. It also reminds me of Sorme saying% after e@d &oug t imself a &ig trun$ *it a loc$ to $ee( is nosy landlady@s ands off is 6ournal% t at e felt e *riting

K1

li$e a madman. / is% in / e 0an Iit out " S ado*. 3r *riting li$e mad% as I *ould say. / oug in Ritual% e tal$s a&out admiring madmen too. Ce *as ;uite t e radical% or could &e% &efore e turned out not to &e ;uite as radical as *e *ere led to &elie'e. /ime and t e dream of istory *ill tell. Ce@s also &een ;uite cle'er in ne'er differentiating &et*een (ri'ate and (u&lic t oug ts% e'en t oug e@s $e(t a 6ournal of t*enty 'olumes or so% &y no*. "s if *e don@t a'e (ri'ate t oug ts% and &elie'e in t em% illusory or no. / oug ts% attitudes *e mig t feel uncertain a&out or e'en (artly as amed of% su&6ect to (otential or actual internal re'ision% sometimes literally. I@m (artly *atc ing 3li'er /*ist, again. It@s t e 1N4M 'ersion *it "lec .uinness as 2agin. / ere@s t e com(uter of course% *riting. "nd t e net. / ere@s some (orn% &ut I $ee( it to a minimum, it *ill fuc$ u( my com(uter. / at% and it@s similar to tra'el, (otentially time+consuming and goes no* ere. / at% and I@d get (enis el&o*. "nd it@s so undignified of course. <ot t at it &ot ers me a * ole lot% &ut it isn@t * at I en'isaged for myself at o'er t e age of fifty. 3n t e ot er and% it@s incredi&le. Co* t e ell did !olin Iilson resist t e tem(tationG -ecause e ad a *ife. -ut t at could *or$ &ot *ays. " *oman@s &ody mig t ser'e only to remind one of all *omen5s &odies... t at you@'e ne'er ad. I en I *as *it a *oman it *as &ody &ody &ody all t e time, until t eir (at ology dulled it for me. -ut I *as ne'er turned off entirely. -y t en it deteriorates into mutual mastur&ation. I at elseG Reading of course. It@s all of course. "nd *riting, I t in$ I said *riting. "nd loo$ing out t e *indo*, t e only means I a'e of relati'e (eace to c ec$ out t e street, exce(t later% * en I@m in li&raries or * ate'er. -ecause t ere@s t e @gang stal$ing@% t e =no+touc torture5% t e (syc *arfareL(syo(s% t e indirect aggression in macrocosm. It@s still microcosmic% as it@s only one city and my ex(erience of it% a large grou( of (eo(le, t e go'ernment minions% t e local city councils and t eir useful idiots. It@s macrocosmic too for t at reason% and &ecause it@s a reflection of a glo&al situation. / e *orld is a 'irtual

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!oncentration cam( already. It@s ironic some o*% for t e su&6ect al*ays fascinated me. <o* I@m t e @ne*@ Je* on t e &loc$, ne* face in ell. " mar$ed man, mar$ed for a slo* &ut (ersistent $ill. It@s all o'er for me% or t at@s t e idea. -ut I sus(ect I@ll (ull t roug % find a *ay out of it. <ot t at it@s guaranteed. -ut t ere are surely o(tions% a'enues I a'en5t ex(lored yet. / ey@'e &een tic$ing at t e &ac$ of my mind. I ere t ere@s a *ill Q I need to mo'e on. I feel a song coming on. / is city is finis ed for me. It@s all (ersonal for t em no*. <ot t at I a'e to ta$e it (ersonally. I em&arrassed t em. / at@s a sentence of deat rig t t ere. I@m reminded of t is &lo$e I met last year% em(loyed &y t e city council. Ce@d got into a fig t during a *ee$end% arrested% c arged. Cis (unis ment *as to &e &anis ed from to*n. I s ould a'e as$ed * at t at entailed exactly. Ias e already staying ereG E-anis ed from t e S ire%F as e (ut it. / e (erfect analogy. 3nly% Edin&urg is no S ire. It@s got more a$in to 0ordor. 0urder, I get it no*. / ere@s &een a mordor. /aggart% t e detecti'e series. Irite a &unc of (assingly engaging detecti'e no'els and I could a'e &een one of Edin&urg 5s fa'ourite sons% so to s(ea$. I5m from #undee. I o gi'es a tossG -ut t at@s (artly * y t e idea of *riting is so satisfying, or doing anyt ing (roducti'e in any sense at all% suc as (ainting. Per a(s t ey t in$ I@'e gi'en t at u(. / ey@'e as good as tried to s ut it do*n &y ta$ing one camera and stealing t e ot er, unless t e ne*er one is mislaid in t e flat some* ere. / ey don@t gi'e a toss of course, t ey@re all rednec$s in t eir *ay, it@s all &ased on resentment. Dou@d t in$ t ey@d *ant me to &e (roducti'e% @creati'e@% *ouldn@t youG 2or myself% for t em% t e city% t e culture% t e *orld% consciousness% mind% t e artistic community in general. "s if t ey gi'e a toss. -ored *it t eir li'es% des(airing of t eir doomed relations i(s% t eir fear of life% of lo'e% of .od. I *ould &e fuc$ing nuts too% ating t e s it out of e'ery&ody. Iell of course t ey do. It@s all egos toget er. Dou@d t in$ t ey@d see t e co*ardice in'ol'ed% t e small+mindedness. / ey5re as merciless on t emsel'es. I ere *as I going *it t isG 3 yea % t is &usiness of li'ing in my ead. <o different from anyone else% really. / e difference%

K3

unli$e t e minions for sure% is t at I $no* it. It@s almost as im(ortant not to ma$e t e illusion real% or at least do t e &est I can. I $ee( ma$ing t ings *orse for myself 7 and t em% &y ta$ing a laisse?+faire attitude% suc as &y staying in too muc % not going for *al$s or going to t e s o(s etc. / is is mainly due to my (reoccu(ation *it 'irtual media. "l*ays caug t u( in somet ing% or feeling li$e I a'en@t got enoug done% I *ant to sit it out 'irtually non+sto(. "s it a((ens% t e @.S@% t e &am(ots% t e minions% inter(ret t is as t at t eir arassment is a'ing t e desired effect, t at I come out only * en I@m forced or o&liged to. "nd t is isn@t ;uite true% as I@'e said. I@'e ad t e same a&its since I mo'ed in ere. Predicta&ly% t e morons ste( it u( * en I ma$e an a((earance. "nd any*ay% to intentionally a'oid un(leasantness% ole myself u(% is only to ma$e illusions real. Dou *ouldn@t a'oid somet ing unless you &elie'ed it to &e real. !on'ersely% some of t e Je*s fled .ermany and li'ed to tell t e tale% and 0ia 2arro* did tell Ioody "llen to lie lo* for a * ile in one of is films. -road*ay #anny Rose. <o* t ere@s an irony. -ut t ere@s no (oint in getting too em&roiled *it t ese idiots 8a &it late no*9, t at@s * at t ey *ant, so t ey can set me u( t roug some form of =gaslig ting5% street+t eatre, it@s * at t ey do, it@s * at t ey@'e done already, o* naU'e of me not to see t at *ould a((en, I did% &ut I *al$ed rig t into it any*ay, t at ex(lains * y t e &int *as sitting grinning in t e car li$e t e (ro'er&ial ! es ire cat% after s e@d seen to er &i$e. It may *ell a'e &een er follo*ing t e &us I *as on% a((earing from t e side. / e car came u( to meet er later% * en I *as cutting along to ere &y t e &ac$. It *as all timed so I@d see it% as *ell as reinforce t e anc oring at t e corners Q so I *ent u( in t eir direction% did a &it of s*ee(ing camera mo'es% round and a&out. It (issed t em off of course% t oug as I say% s e sat t ere loo$ing ig ly amused &y it. -ecause t*o *itnesses is all t ey need. "nd I only a'e to &e t ere. -ut I@ll come &ac$ to t is. I *as letting it get me do*n a &it% &ut no* I feel more u(&eat% o(timistic. I@m talented% intelligent% umorous% and e'en studious. I@m not (rone to delusions. If I say somet ing odd is ta$ing (lace t en it (ro&a&ly

K4

is. 3dd% distur&ing and sinister, as &een for years. / ousands are ex(eriencing it. It@s glo&al. It is of course &ullcra( to try and tell me I li$ely need to consult 'arious *ell+meaning ;uac$s and do+ gooders. / at@s their set+u(. It *asn@t my intention to @alarm@ anyone of course, t at@s their intention. / e goal isn@t 6ust to a'e you fear for your life% it@s to ruin your life. / is incident is t e ti( of t e ice&erg% and all t ese (eo(le are ta$ing (art in it, t ey $no* * at t ey@re doing, (assi'e aggressors usually do, t e moti'ation is murder. I at is not lo'e is murder% as " !ourse In 0iracles says. Ie@re all guilty of t at% in t e !ourse@s terms. -ut t is is more met odical, t is is consistent% relentless. / is is indirect% snea$y aggression *it let al intent from street to street no*. In a sense% t ey@'e al*ays &een ma$ing a mista$e. / e success of t is massi'e% &ut deluded exercise in socio(at y is (redicated on t e idea% t e &elief% t e $no*ledge t at t eir targets a'e no credi&ility. 0ore to t e (oint 7 or as muc to t e (oint% e;ually% t ey a'e no means of e'er fat oming t e strategies% let lone t e agenda% and o* t ey mig t deal *it it. / at@s t e (resum(tion. "s far as / ey@re concerned 7 @/ ey@ could &e t e 2-I% originating 'ia t e 2ederal Reser'e% and ada(ted &y t e 1) 0asonic net*or$s 7 it@s a *al$o'er. It5s t e ="gency5 7 t e !I". Ic$e reminded us &ac$ in t e late @N0s t at it only ta$es t e *ord of t*o (eo(le to a'e someone committed. !learly% t e Psyc iatric Re(risal% t e set+u(% is ali'e and *ell, if anyt ing it@s &een reinstated *it a 'engeance. !o(s in t e 1S are &eating and tasering @no&odies@ 7 t e omeless and t e mentally ill 7 to deat in t e streets * en t ey@re not andcuffing t em and arresting t em% as *ell as $ids% * ile t e P/- and t eir minions ere are setting u( no&odies li$e me, @ma'eric$s@% i((ies@% t e @disenfranc ised@. / e latter is (art of t e strategy, it all ser'es t eir (ur(ose so t ey can la&el you% target you all t e more. / is is no delusional fantasy, t is is * at@s going on. / e ti( of t e ice&erg as I say. It@s a *orld of tric$s and games, .aslig ting Planet. -ut * at one does one ex(ect from a *orld run &y (syc o(at s em(loying

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o(eless narcissists to do t eir &iddingG / e aforementioned useful idiots. / ere@s a lot of t em a&out Q Proud to feel @smart@ and needed. If only t ey $ne* t e arm it does to t emsel'es and t eir @lo'ed@ ones+ and t e future t ey@re &ringing on t emsel'es. -ut narcissists *ere al*ays insane% dri'en &y unconscious guilt% 6ust li$e (syc o(at s. / e only difference is t at *it t e ardcore (syc o(at s t e guilt is more unconscious% dee(er. Desiree&o&. It isn@t 6ust a&out slo*+$illing no&odies. / ere@s @some&odies@ too. -ut =no&odies5 *it ideas% *it 'ision% e'en (otential 'ision% definitely a'e to go. / e main c aracteristic of t e minions% t e useful idiots% is t at t ey@re t e same as most narcissists, fundamentally @secular@ in outloo$, arrogant% al*ays angry, furious. "nger al*ays underlies it all% and t e (ro6ection it5s &ased on. / e uman disease. "nd fear underlies t at 7 t e glo&al (at ology and (syc osis. I@'e said it &efore and I@ll say it again: if .ermany and Ja(an *ere @suffering from s(ecific national disorders during t e 1N20s 8/ e / ird 0illennium% )en !arey9% t en t e *orld is suffering from an international disorder no*. I@m sure ot ers a'e (ointed t is out% remar$ed on it. -riefing for a descent into s ite. It@s doing my ead in% t is. -ut it as to &e done. I $no* * at t e constant (resence of t e &i$es is for. Co* could I esca(e itG If I didn@t @$no*@% it *ouldn@t *or$. / e &i$es are t e sym&ol% and to t em t e actuality% of my guilt of course. "ll t ey needed *as a negati'e suggestion% a &ogus accusation, made u( &y t em. Some &lo$e seen on a &i$eQ / ey t oug t I *as getting out. !orru(t or &ogus co(s turning u( at t e door * en I *as 'acuuming last year. I don@t do it 'ery often% lol% so t e connection *as o&'ious% considering it *as 11(m. / e flat is &ugged% or t e stair is. Somet ing is. I@'e ad fun *it it alf t e day again% t oug I don@t $noc$ myself out, I let t em do t at. I coincide 8or @sync ronise@9 it *it going to t e &at room% coo$ing etc. Just as t ey@'e done% &efore I cottoned on. I don@t interru(t my o*n routine to do it% or not &y muc . " 6ogger a((eared out of no* ere t e second time. I sat at t e *indo*% *aited till e *ent &y, e *as on t e o((osite side of t e street &y t e *or$s% t en I (ee(ed t e (lastic red clo*n nose I

KB

a'e sitting on t e *indo*+ledge. 0an on a Cedge. It@s ;uite loud in t e street * en t ere are no cars etc. I@'e sto((ed *earing it. It *as useful for (re+em(ting t em, ta$e t e *ind out of t eir (etty one+u(mans i( sales. Eit er &y (o((ing it on my nose at strategic moments% or s;uee?ing it as it *as idden under my s irt or 6ersey. I &oug t a cycle orn. 3r clo*n orn% de(ending on * ic s o( I go to. It *as al*ays a &it du&ious, it only adds to t eir ammunition in trying to (aint me as nuts. 2unny no one mentioned it t oug , lately I mean. 3ne or t*o (eo(le com(lained to t e &lo$es in t e fis and c i( s o( on t e corner% a((arently. I y com(lain to t em of all (eo(leG -ecause t ey see me in t ere. / e idea is to s(read t e *ord% ostraci?e you from t e @community@% from outlets% contacts% res(ite of any $ind, a friendly face. =E'eryone5 is to &e against you% loo$ on you *it fear and sus(icion% if not atred, t at@s t e goal, a mere as(ect of it% &ut central too. / e funny (art% 6ust recently% is I *as at t e c i( s o( again, it ad &een a * ile 7 a good * ile, I@d intended only to get a fis su((er% get &ac$, ;uite unusual for me% &ut it *as getting dar$ or *ould &e soon. I (refer t e daytime% to a'oid t e 'am(ires% t e cra?y ?om&ies% t e mind (arasites% and decided to go along to t e su(ermar$et any*ay% and cas (oint% get some more money and groceries, I ad t e * ole nig t to get t roug % and resent (aying o'er t e odds for essentials suc as rolls and mil$ locally. / ere *as -S from start to finis of course, it all &lends into eac ot er. I en I *al$ed out of t e c i(s o(% a &i$e *ent &y me% rig t at t e entrance, rig t &y me I mean, on t e (a'ement, al*ays *it t e anc oring% as *ell as setting you on edge of course. / at@s t e intention, to ma$e you 6um(% flinc internally. / ere@s al*ays someone *atc ing% directing. It 6ust ta$es a &lo$e sitting in a car% t oug t ey@re co+ordinated all o'er% @centrally@. It may *ell &e timed to it me% &ut t at seems unli$ely, may&e t ey@d see t at as too =crude5% o&'ious. I could a'e as easily antici(ated it, I often do, e'en ran into t em intentionally. I did t at &efore% * en I $ne* one of t em *as *aiting on me round t e corner of t e Iest End otel% t e !aledonian% ran rig t around t e corner and into im. It *as (retty funny too. I gra&&ed im &y t e s oulders

KK

to @sto(@ myself% (us ed im. Ce@d (layed innocent% sur(rised. / e (us *as to s o* I *asn@t &uying it as *ell as to ex(ress contem(t. / ey (ro&a&ly ste((ed it u( again after t at. "t ot er times% * en I@'e ste((ed out in front of a cyclist 7 I recall a s(ecific instance of t is on .eorge I4 -ridge, a car *as *aiting for me later% in t e street as I came do*n t e &ac$ lane to get ere t at same day, e timed it to surge in as I reac ed t e &ottom% sto((ed dead in front of me. "&surdly% e carried on *it t e (layacting routine% gesturing ;ui??ically in fa$e consideration as to * et er I *anted to go a ead or not. I ignored im% stood * ere I *as% loo$ed do*n t e street. Ce dro'e off% &ut only around t e corner% *aiting on me, e@d turned to face me. It *as getting dus$. / ere are large semis o((osite% so it isn@t isolated. -loc$s of flats on t e ot er side too. / is is t e same street% t e same area * ere t e recent set+u( too$ (lace. I@m not su((osed to &e ca(a&le of (utting t is toget er% a((arently. In t is instance% it@s intimidation of course. In &ra'ado% and no dou&t (issed off at t is utter loser -S 7 .S -S + I stayed on t e road% *al$ed to*ards im as e came to*ards me% t en *al$ed to t e (a'ement% at normal s(eed. I (refer to ma$e it a (oint t at t ey ne'er get me o((ing% s$i((ing or 6um(ing if I can. Ha*s Q all t ese la*s. / e *orld is a control grid% an entra((ing 0atrix no*. <o *onder narcissists see e'eryt ing in terms of (o*er. It@s o* t is *orld is. It5s no *onder t ey &uy into it loc$% stoc$ and &arrel. It@s all t ey see% all t ey &elie'e in. / ey don5t gi'e a toss a&out (ast tragedies% li$e t e Colocaust% or muc lauded and ;uoted notions li$e @It must ne'er a((en again@% as neit er do t eir leaders. / ey ne'er see t e irony% t e tragedy &ecause t ey a'e no sense of irony% no a*areness of t eir o*n y(ocrisy and mediocrity% or care a&out t e crimes t ey@re co'ering u( for, some of t em t eir o*n. It@s all circular% as al*ays. / ey ne'er see t at eit er% &ecause it@s all &ased on (ro6ection, and denial. In a *ay% you can ardly &lame t em if t e system lea'es t em no o(tion, if t ey@re (art of t e set+u( too. / ey all are of course. It@s t e ones * o ta$e (art 'oluntarily% t e ones * o en6oy it% t e =moral5 crusaders * o are t e most

KM

dangerous% as al*ays. It@s a clear+cut case of @us@ and @t em@ no*, at least in t eir o*n eyes. 0ost (eo(le *ant to &e a (art of t e @official@ clu&. -efore t ey $no* it% t ey@re (art of a larger% idden e'il in t e name of good. Ie all fear (ain% deat % &eing alone% loneliness. So * at do t ey do to esca(e it &ut inflict (ain% fear% deat % and (er(etuate t e 'ery loneliness t ey &elie'e t ey@re esca(ing from. 0ost (eo(le are o&li'ious to t ese conce(ts, t ey@re still c ildren% emotionally. -ut t at@s an insult to many $ids. 0y mot er *as li$e a $id to me e'en * en I *as a $id. 3nly% and confusingly% s e com&ined t e ;ualities% if t at@s t e rig t *ord% of a 'ery &ratty% cle'er $ind% and t e coc$sure adult narcissist. / e *orld% e'eryone else *as ne'er *rong, at least * en it suited er. S e *ould cite t e *orld as t e reason to &ro*&eat me into t e ground as *ell as (ummel me. It *as almost constant (syc ological a&use to &oot 7 so naturally I *ent out a lot% to (lay% ex(lore% ex(erience t ings and (eo(le. 3r stay in @my@ room and read. -ut my (oint is% t e *orld *as al*ays er *itness to &uoy u( er arguments. It *as t e (retext on * ic s e fed er self+rig teousness. / e *orld% e'en t oug s e &itterly ated it for o* it ad disa((ointed er% *as er sym&ol of @sanity@ as *ell as 6ustification for resentment% re'enge% t e measure of all t ings, or at least me. In terms of t e *orld 7 in *orldly terms 7 I ad @no common sense@, t is *as er mantra. Ergo% s e% &elie'ing in t e *orld% *as t e @e(itome@ of sense and sanity, furt ermore% s e could act on t e *orld@s &e alf% for as a good% fully (aid u( mem&er% it *as all for my o*n good too. Sound@s familiar. / e *orld is my mot er. Iit cars% &i$es% 'ans% truc$s% 'arious am&ulance ty(es% fire engines. "nd lots more &esides. / ey a'e t e andica((ed at t is orses it too, or more accurately% t eir minders. Pensioners% $ids. E'ery&ody. It@s a gaslig ting *orld. #id I say t atG Des I did. I@m distracted &y mo'ies% as al*ays. / rillers% stand+u(% * ate'er. / e one on at t e moment again is !ellular. -efore t at it *as t e /4 series 4. "lmost e'ery (erson @Ryan@ tries to get to el(% or at least not inder im% is a moron. / ey don@t ta$e anyt ing seriously exce(t t emsel'es. I t in$ t at a&out co'ers it.

KN

/ e narcissists% t e @gs@% t e good minions% t ey@re t e same. It@s all 'ery amusing to t em% &ut it@s &ecause t e intent &e ind it is serious. / ey $no* it is% &ut% as a @ ig er aut ority@ as told t em t ey@re doing t e rig t t ing% t ey needn@t a'e any conscience a&out it, t ey e'en feel a sense of res(onsi&ility% of (ride, of doing it for ot ers% t eir @community@ 7 t at@s &ecome a &it of a dirty *ord to me no* 7 t eir country. @/ ere@s a communityG@ + Seinfeld. / ey are =do+gooders5 after all. / ey all (lay t eir little &ut @integral@ (art% in *earing t e (ercei'ed enemy do*n% t e demonised @ot ers@. / ey@ll ne'er &e cul(a&le. -ut t ey@re all cul(a&le. Hi'ing a lie% a silly dream% of su(eriority. It inges on &elie'ing t emsel'es% t e terminally un inged% to &e in t e rig t. #on@t t ey al*ays. I@m *riting for me, must $ee( t at in mind. It el(s me focus. E'eryt ing else is cosmetic% grammar included. I@ll *orry a&out t at later% if at all, li$e e'ery ot er scri&&ler. 3r not. 2ocus focus% ocus (ocus. I can see I@m still a*a$e. I *o$e u( at a alf+decent time for a c ange% a &it s ort of slee(. It didn@t last long. I (ut my ead do*n a* ile% listened to an Ic$e 'ideo and sli((ed in and out of consciousness (retty ;uic$ly% t en *as out. I *o$e u( to &la?ing suns ine. <ot a sentence you@ll read e'ery day. "ll *riters and artists are models of self+disci(line of course. / ey all get u( 'ery early and li'e on umus and tofu. "nd are (roducti'e% at eists, suc as -rian Eno. I@'e lost trac$ of t e @.S@ cra( again. I@d need to collect my t oug ts% arrange t e tri'ialities as &est I can. !an I &e &ot eredG Some targeted indi'iduals li'e for t is stuff. Ie@re all 'ery attac ed to our suffering. I can ardly &lame t em. I feel li$e t at myself often enoug . I@m starting to get slee(y. I start off *it t e &est intentions% telling myself last nig tLt is morning% t at I@ll &egin first t ing% as soon as I can, t at I s ould really &egin rig t a*ay in fact% * en I@m at my fres est. / en I admit to myself t at I@ll li$ely read an article or t*o% get my mind and emotions in gear% (syc ed u(% ent usiastic% raring to go as t ey say. "nd it is li$e t at% only Q t ere al*ays seems to &e one more t ing, including ma$ing &rea$fast of some $ind and a'ing my daily

M0

&o*el mo'ement. Huc$y me. / en t ere@s / e -ig -ang / eory% * ic is &rilliant% so I@ll &ro*se t roug /*itter for a &it * ile t at@s on% or (artly% &ecause I don@t *ant to miss all t e gags. I@ll e'en try and read an article or t*o or t ree as I say, or one. -ut I *as a &it s ort of slee(% its all catc u( *it me, t e story of my life. I muddle t roug some o*% ma$ing sense of t e madness% &ut not getting 'ery muc results, yet% *rite li$e a madman o'er t e tears. Dears% I mean. I o(e t at *as a ty(o% and not a sli( of t e 2reudian. It@s only lately it@s slo*ed do*n again% t oug I do a'e (eriods of letting it slide for a * ile. I en I didn@t a'e t e distraction of ca&le% and t e net too% I *as *riting li$e t e (ro'er&ial madman again% as I say, *rote a good &it of t is% got ca&le and t@ net &ac$ on% and ere I am at a snail@s (ace once again. Det% I lo'e t e info% e'en t oug I can@t $ee( u(. <o% t e go'ernment% ine'ita&ly% is loo$ing to monitor it all% s ut it do*n if t ey can. / is 6ust mig t seem almost ine'ita&le. It ree$s of totalitarianism of course% along *it all t e ot er de'elo(ments I don@t need to remind you of% and am too la?y and im(atient to. I@m not a ne*s outlet. I@m not a to(ical comedian, or e'en a comedian. I@'e forgotten all my t oug ts. It5s t e t oug t of getting out. 2ar a*ay and o'er t e ills a'e eyes. "s I say% t e @gs@ -S gets too tedious to descri&e% yet can &e oddly entertaining too% sometimes. / at@s t e (aradoxical as(ect. / e t oug t of it% as I say% can *eig on me% as intended. -ut I@m (retty @'ital@% u(&eat most of t e time% &y tem(erament, resilient. I still feel a sense of freedom% of o(e. I ex(erience it at t e 'ery t oug t of *riting, t at I still can% t at I can still go out * en I feel li$e it% * ate'er t e arassment. It can feel 'ery muc li$e a game sometimes% a c allenge. Het@s out*it t e fuc$*its. I don@t al*ays do of course% &ut * o caresG It doesn@t matter in any case, t ere are more of t em t an me% more incidents% set+u(s. / eir tri'ial little dreams of trium( . It all (lays on your emotions, t e intention% as I said. !olin Iilson $ne* t is *ell% t oug for different reasons. / e (eriod * en e *as under t e (ressure of deadlines% *riting t e (refaces for all t e !rimes and Punis ment maga?ines% a (art *or$ &ac$ in t e early =K0s. Ce *rote a&out is (anic attac$s%

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e'entually (utting t em do*n to * at e termed is emotional &ody trying it on% as e (ut it, a $ind of confidence tric$ of negati'e emotions. Ce@s said t e same t ing a&out t e sexual im(ulse% or at least t e confidence tric$ (art% so I@m seeing a connection ere. Ce could 6ust as easily a'e termed it t e ego. Ce c ose to dismiss it t roug calling on a ig er (art of imself% as e said% terming it @t e sc oolmistress effect@ in is (reface to 0ysteries% &ac$ in 1NKM. It entails t e effect * en a teac er comes in and cla(s er ands to get a &unc of clamouring $ids to s ut u(. Ce can &e ;uite good at t ese ;uaint little a( orisms% &ut t is one as to &e one of is naffest% title+*ise. 3ne could call it t e ig er mind or s(irit% t oug more accurately% it@s t e decision ma$er% t e (art of t e mind t at c ooses &et*een s(iritLSelf and ego, t ere@s no in+&et*een. Ce@s else* ere descri&ed it as Cusserl@s @transcendental ego@ 82ran$enstein@s !astle9. I ate'er t e case% it *or$ed for im, t e sense of o((ression finally 'anis ed or dissi(ated enoug at least so e could $ee( *or$ing. Ce got t e *riting done in t e allotted time% &ecause e@s a man of disci(line% a man of steel, or a *ill of steel any*ay. 3r at least t at@s o* e sees imself and t e image e li$es to efficiently (ortray. / e mac ine+li$e male. .oddamn (es$y emotions. <e'er did no one no good no o*. So I5m exaggerating. -ut I see is (oint. / ey can come on you li$e an alien entity. Ce added t at it too$ mont s for t e t reat of t e terror of is (anic attac$s to dissi(ate. I $no* t e feeling. I@'e ex(erienced it% if only once. / at *as enoug . 0ore recently% e@s stuc$ to t e same meta( or% descri&ing imself as a *riting mac ine% *it out a int of irony, not forgetting e descri&ed " !ourse in 0iracles as t at it could5'e &een *ritten &y a com(uter% t ere&y demonstrating e can &e as o&tuse or defensi'e and arrogant as any intellectual. 0y state of mind as &een (retty muc o$ay of late. I su((ose if I *anted% I could try and ta$e t e @mac o@ 'ie*% (retend t at none of t is really is &ot ersome% t at it@s a confidence tric$ (retty muc on e'ery side% if it@s a case it@s all 6ust a (ro6ection of my mind any*ay 7 and of t eirs. -ut t at *ouldn@t el( me muc I don@t t in$. It@s (erfectly a((arent t e

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@real@ (ro&lem is t e &elief in guilt% as *ell as t at it can &e (ro6ected, and internalised. "ll t ese &i$es% t e arassment% t e s*arming 7 t e @gs@ s*arm any*ay% t at alien @ i'e mind@ t ey all conform to 7 is t eir sym&ol of guilt to remind me of my o*n. / ey &elie'e t ey can dum( all t eir unconscious guilt on me% and &y t at t ey@ll &e free of t eirs. -ut @"n idea ne'er lea'es its source@ and @Pro6ection ma$es (erce(tion.@ "!I0. / is is a little too ad'anced for t em. Ie5re li'ing in t e dar$ ages still% (syc ologically. !le'er idiots surround me. 3r as S eldon said in / e &ig -ang% E#ear lord% it@s li$e trying to tal$ to a dol( in.F -ut t ey don@t tal$% or not muc % t oug you can get a res(onse if you rile t em% and% t at@s not too difficult% for t e narcissistic and socio(at ic are 'ery angry (eo(le. "ny*ay% I *asn@t sure * ere I *as going *it t is &ut I can feel I@m getting off trac$. 3n second t oug ts% I5m not. Dea % if all t is out*ard (ressure% unrelenting &adgering and 'eiled t reat is su((osed to induce a sense of (anic% it@s not *or$ing. " 2ema cam(, t at *ould *orry me. I@d miss my &oo$s and t e rest. I mig t die of &oredom. 3f course% it@s all electronic *it t ose (syc os no*% * en t ey@re not *ater+&oarding (eo(le or &eating and $ic$ing t e cra( out of t em. Imagine ours of intermina&le * ite noise t roug ear( ones. / e aural e;ui'alent of t e &lac$ room, clearly torture% intended to dri'e (eo(le insane. "nd all (ro6ection. !ommitting t e crime of t e century% t en getting t e useful idiots to do your dirty *or$% self+rig teously torturing and tormenting ot ers% must &e (retty satisfying. / ey must &e feeling really (leased *it t emsel'es. "nd no* t eir insane system is self+im(loding li$e t e (syc o(at ic% megalomaniac fantasy it al*ays *as. I o@d a'e t oug t itG I o $ne* t at t e *is to dominate% t e *is for *orldly (o*er *as synonymous *it insanityG Jo n Hennon did for one. I@m losing focus% getting slee(ier. Cere@s !riminal 0inds% t e /4 series. / e 2-I is 'ery muc t e good guy. -ut *e all $no* * at Iaco *as a&out, and t e re(ression of 3ccu(y (rotesters no*% and t e endless set+u(s, t oug (art of t at mig t &e agent (ro'ocateurs and im(ostors

M3

suc as *it "nonymous. / e intention of t is =no+touc 5 eugenics (rogram% instigated t roug t e !I"% 'ia corru(t (syc ologists of t e "P"% (ossi&ly t e 2ederal Reser'e &efore t at% is to induce a ( o&ia or cluster of ( o&ias, so t at t e target comes to see e'eryt ing as a t reat or (otential t reat, a *orld of fear t at *ill ne'er touc t e (er(etrators% for t ey@re t e 6ustified innocents ... of 0u 0u. <ot. / ey@re loo$ing to induce P/S#. / at@s not 'ery nice. !an t at e'er &e 6ustifiedG Peo(le are fools. / e e'eryday dor$ on t e street is 6ust t at. Ca'en@t t ey al*ays &eenG / is is a *orld of murder% 6ust as "!I0 says. "nd &y t e !ourse% I mean Jesus of course. / e situation could also (ro'o$e a (anic attac$% or a series of (anic attac$s. I ate'er@s effecti'e for t eir murderous (ur(oses. #on@t forget t at, a *orld of murder. / at@s * at it *ill &e &ased on, t at@s * at t ey *ant. / in$ a&out it. It@s all circular as I say, all gaslig ting% all tric$s and games% set+u(s and (ratfalls. It *ill ne'er end. / ey@ll see enemies e'ery* ere% tric$ing eac ot er until t e gra'e. It@s not as if% * en% for t e sa$e of argument% t ey get rid of all t e targets% t e @undesira&les@% t e a((arent t reats to t eir existence% t at t ey@ll magically ac ie'e some $ind of omeostasis 7 e;uili&rium. / e (at ology *ill still &e t ere% as it al*ays as, t e s(ecialness% in (syc ological terms, t e underlying content of festering atred% resentment% and fear of .od% of t emsel'es% of e'eryone. It *ould &e a ell on eart . / e ell t ey@re trying to ma$e no* for many (eo(le% and are. I only need to t in$ of t e Palestinians or t e Syrians to not feel sorry for myself. I a'e it easy com(ared to t em. S it% I5'e forgotten to *atc 4. -ut t at doesn@t mean I s ould underestimate t e insidious nastiness of it eit er, t e let al intent. It@s designed to *or$. Some years ago I used to feel myself sin$ing into myself in my slee(% as if I *ere del'ing into (re'iously idden de(t s+ of fear as it turned out. I *ould come to a $ind of semi+*a$efulness, it *as 'ery difficult to tell. I@d scare t e cra( out of myself trying to face t e fear% *ill it a*ay in sense. -ut I already $ne* t e ans*er% $ne* it didn@t and *ouldn@t *or$. Det I *ould forget% still alf+ aslee(. I t oug t I could enter into it% dis(el it... &ecause I *anted to, &ecause I &elie'ed I s ould &e t e master of my o*n mind and

M4

emotions, my internal domain% my o*n dreams if need &e. / at *as al*ays a mista$e. If fear is unreal% an illusion% t en t ere@s no need to ex(lore it. "ll I did *as ma$e it real to myself. It used to &affle me * y I could ne'er seem to dis(el it, t at it *as li$e a *all I 6ust could ne'er seem to get t roug . In fact 8fiction9% all it did *as increase t e fear. I didn@t realise t e fear *as feeding on itself, t at I *as lending strengt to t e ego. In t e daylig t% I could see my mista$e Q * en I ga'e myself a &reat ing s(ace to t in$ a&out it. / e distraction% t e &adgering *as all designed to ma$e t at difficult for me. E'en * en I@m on my o*n, t at@s * en I@m not ma$ing friends% contacts eit er. It@s all designed so t at you@ll &e t e @loser@. -ut t ere@s an u(side too. I don@t need (eo(le li$e t ey do. 0ost ot er (eo(le *ouldn@t &e ca(a&le of fat oming t is in any case% or at least t e ones I mig t meet% local ac;uaintances etc. !olin Iilson descri&ed trying to su&due is sense of rising (anic t roug *ill (o*er alone, e as a lot of t at, loo$ at o* (roducti'e% (rolific e is. Ce@s a one+man industry. It didn@t *or$. In fact is sense of (anic s*elled li$e t e 0onster of t e Id in 2or&idden Planet. Ce *as ne'er &ig on 2reud% e'en t oug e@s *ritten ;uite a lot a&out im. Ce@s mentioned t e film 2or&idden Planet of course% (raising it for its (erce(ti'eness. I t in$ e sa* 2reud@s notion of t e deat im(ulse% / anatos% as mor&id and unnecessary. / at@s dee(ly ironic and (aradoxical in itself% for t e @real@ (ro&lem is guilt and t e &elief in it, and t e attraction of deat is an im(ortant as(ect of t at too. /o deny one as(ect could &e to deny t e ot er. 3ne can tal$ of t e emotional &ody 8* ic sounds 'ery li$e t e (syc ological &ody )en Ia(nic$ refers to9 till t e co*s come ome% &ut t e real (ro&lem *ill al*ays &e t e underlying guilt *e all s are and &elie'e in. I can assume I5m relati'ely sta&le under t e circumstances &ecause I5'e @stifled@ or side+ste((ed my @emotional &ody@% or I can ta$e t e 'ie* t at t e real reason it doesn@t a'e t e effect on me t at t ey intend is &ecause I try not to ta$e it too seriously% or seriously at all if I can. I@ll ne'er &e con'inced of my o*n guilt. / ey certainly seem to &elie'e it% or someone does% and t e rest follo*s 7 and follo*. It@s a&surd. / e guilt t ey &elie'e in so fanatically is t eir o*n. EI

M>

a'e no idea * at e@s tal$ing a&out% &ut I feel terri&le.F 2amily .uy. Per a(s I@'e 6ust sto((ed del'ing so dee(ly into myself% @(syc ically@% during slee(% 'arious states of slee(% of consciousness. -ut not really. I@m as @intros(ecti'e@ as e'er% as =studious5. / e ans*er *as to sideste( t e fear% t e sense of (anic% &y @not ma$ing t e error real@. / ere *as no need to try and enter into * at is illusory. 3r ma$e t ings any more difficult. / e .S =no+ touc 5 eugenics (rogram may *ell &e illusory too% &ut t at *on@t sto( a car from s(lattering me across t e street if I don@t $ee( my *its a&out me. /o reiterate% fearful (eo(le can &e dangerous% as t e !ourse said. "not er *ay of loo$ing at it is t ey may *ell &e 6ust dreams% &ut as I5m =in5 t is one and t ere@s no immediate *a$ing u( and out of it as yet% I need to *atc my ass+ arse. Ia$ing% resurrection is of t e mind. It@s t e &ody t at@s (art of t e dream. <ot &ad% I@ll sto( t ere% carry on tomo may&e. I@ll a'e to clean u( t e flat a &it. I@'e done &uggerall o'er t e (ast cou(le of days. !olin Iilson did ex(erience (anic attac$s again% descri&ing t em in "ccess /o inner Iorlds% a s ort &oo$% (u&lis ed in t e early =M0s. -orn in 1N31% t is made im age >2 or so t e second time round. I@m >3. I still feel li$e a &ig $id. In 1NKM% at t e time e (u&lis ed 0ysteries% a uge &oo$% I *as 1N 8Ce *as also at t e Edin&urg 2esti'al t at year% t oug I didn@t $no* anyt ing a&out t at% and resident in #undee still9. Ce@d &e all of 4K. Ce did add an interesting t ing a&out is (anic attac$s, t at e'en t oug e li'ed in a $ind of dread of t em immediately after 7 as e said imself% t ey stemmed from a fear of fear 7 e also found e@d de'elo(ed more control o'er is emotions, t at if is *ife dro((ed a dis for instance% e *ouldn@t &e startled in t e same *ay e used to &e, it didn@t a'e t e same 6arring emotional re'er&eration. -ut I can@t el( not &eing sur(rised t at t at e sa* it all in terms of emotional control+ t at t e @real@ cul(rit is t e emotions. 3n t e face of it% it@s difficult to argue *it t is. Ce@s t e one * o too$ on t e *riting (ro6ects% ad t e (ressure of demanding deadlines% and ad a *ife and family to loo$ after. In

MB

fact I@'e found e@s ;uite ade(t at &ringing t em into t e (icture to &olster is arguments. Cis solution seems to a'e *or$ed% once e realised e couldn@t stifle t e fear &y s eer force of *ill alone. -ut in all is o&ser'ations on it 7 e e'en ad a (anic attac$ on a train 6ourney and t oug t e mig t a'e a eart attac$% or cardiac arrest as e (ut it% it ne'er once seems to a'e occurred to im t at &y fig ting against it e *as ma$ing illusions real to imself. / at% in effect% e *as fig ting against imself% mista$enly assuming it to &e somet ing else. In essence e *as correct% for t e ego isn@t us% &ut t e (art *e identify *it . -ut &y fig ting against it e *as ma$ing it real to imself% 6ust as I still *as% all t ese years later% for * o *ould fig t against somet ing if t ey didn@t &elie'e it to &e realG " 'ery su&tle% (syc ologically discerning fello*% it ne'er seemed to occur to im% in t is context at least% t at t ere could &e far dee(er im(lications as to is (anic attac$s, t at% in t ese instances% e came face to face *it t e murderer inside imself, t e same murderer t at is (ro6ected out into t e *orld in its millions of forms and t at e@s s(ent most of is life studying. Det% e intuited t is as(ect some years later% or during t e same (eriod% * en e *rote t e 'ery last section of " !riminal Cistory of 0an$ind% (u&lis ed in 1NM> and as uge as it sounds% * en e *rote of t e criminal as &eing little more t an @t e s(ectre of t e &ro$en@% a dream from * ic man$ind as still to a*a$en% &ut * en it does its days of criminality and murder *ill &e o'er. It@s 'ery li$ely e too$ t is ;uote from "rnold /oyn&ee, t at istory is a nig tmare from * ic man$ind is still trying to a*a$en. Somet ing li$e t at. Ce *rote a&out im in Religion and t e Re&el &ac$ in 1N>K% as *ell as "!C30. -ut it@s more t an 6ust intuiti'ely accurate. It@s a (ity !olin Iilson ne'er too$ to " !ourse in 0iracles% (retty muc dismissing it in t e Postscri(t on ! annelling in "fterlife% (u&lis ed in t e late @M0s. Ce@d a'e come to learn t at t e *orld is a (ro6ection of t e mind and a * ole lot else &esides% suc as t at so is murder and e'eryt ing else t at seems to a((en in it. Det% e@d already intuited it. Somet ing t e .nostics $ne* in 'arious forms from t e 2irst !entury on*ards.

MK

-ut I can still *rite. / e days can still &e (roducti'e. I et er I can do anyt ing *it it or no. So it@s im(ortant to carry on% not let t is see( a*ay at me% insidiously. / at@s * at t ey *ant. "not er t ing: 2rom anot er (oint of 'ie* it@s irrele'ant * et er I@m successful or not. / e im(ortant t ing is to... &e @(roducti'e@, to contri&ute * at I@d a'e contri&uted in any case. It *on@t &e exactly t e same as if t is dastardly de'elo(ment ad ne'er come a&out, &ut it *ill all a'e t e mar$ of me% my distincti'e (ersonality. I ic % as an aside% raises an interesting ;uestion. Is t is situation influencing me to get to closer to t e =essence5 of myself% to dig dee(er into * at it means to &e @me@G Iould t is a'e come a&out &y ot er means if none of t is ad e'er ta$en (laceG S ould I see it as a (ositi'e e'ent% or series of e'entsG 3r at least a (ositi'e de'elo(ment on t e * ole% in general I meanG / at seems o'er+o(timistic e'en for me. I at am I *riting for any*ayG / e futureG I at is it I feel I a'e to ideG It gets more )af$aes;ue &y t e day. !urses% I need a cra( again. / is * ole nig t is turning to cra(. 0y com(uter free?es and I ta$e ages to do t e sim(lest t ings. "nd no* I5m ungry, t e sausages are on. "ll 'ery omely. Co* most of us lo'e t e smell of fres &acon and toast and eggs and t e rest for &rea$fast. "ll@s *ell in our selecti'ely one+sided *orld. Ie don@t li$e to t in$ on o* t e (ig died. 3r don@t care. I care% &ut I li$e &acon. So I don@t a'e it 'ery often. I@ll get it if I see it at a reduced (rice for its ex(iry date, same *it sausages. <ot t at I5m saying it ma$es me a &etter (erson or somet ing. It@s 6ust o* I deal *it it. I could try going for 'eggy% &ut t e last time I did t at I *as *ell out of (oc$et for 'ery little groceries. It costs a small fortune% an arm and a leg if you li$e. I@m t in$ing cele&s don@t a'e to concern t emsel'es *it t at as(ect. /oo (oor to eat ealt ily. Co* (at etic is t atG It@s ne'er literally true of course. It@s al*ays a c oice. I could as easily searc for c ea( 'egeta&les etc.% and do. -ut I tend to li$e a &it of meat too. / e sausages are &ig fat ones%

MM

less t an alf+(rice. / ey a'e a((le in t em too. "nd nice fatty lum(s I ad to s(it out. I &oug t t*o (ac$ets. I *as &ro*sing Eric 2romm@s t e "natomy of Cuman #estructi'eness again * ile on t e $a?i. I al*ays felt e *as onto somet ing * en e tal$s a&out t e tec nocracy. <ecro( iles and t eir (redilection for tec nology. Hi$e autistic $ids. / e tec norati. / e necro( ilocracy. I made t at last one u(. / e (at ocracy. <ecro( ile <ation. <o* I@m *atc ing Iron 0an again. " man in a tin suit. It@s electrifying of course. / at *ould &e Electro% one of S(ider+man@s arc enemies. Ce didn@t ma$e it to t e &ig screen. <eit er did I. I@d lo'e to see / e "'engers film on t e &ig screen. I t in$ I s ould. I *atc ed a modernised 'ersion of S*iss family Ro&inson earlier. <ot Host in S(ace. Someone s ould ma$e a film of t at title t oug . "ny*ay% it *as 'ery mo'ing in (art. -etter t an ex(ected. Hots of &irdsong and sounds to fill my afternoon% as t ey@re stuc$ on a tro(icalis island. I lo'ed t e tree ouse. It *as (ro&a&ly t e &est I@'e e'er seen. I at a contra(tion. It@s 6ust as *ell I $no* ea'en to &e real. / e t oug t t at I missed out on suc a t ing as a $id% not least suc a s(ectacular 'ersion% fictional or no% *ould &e a terminal cause for regret in itself% ne'er mind t oug ts of losing t e lo'e of one5s life. / at reminds me. I forgot. I dreamed of Hynne again. <ot literally. It *as a continuation of a fantasy of sorts. / e time I s(eculated on trac$ing er do*n, considered it as a serious (ossi&ility. "t least I t in$ I did. Sometimes t oug ts% ideas% memories merge so seamlessly into dreams I find I@'e forgotten * ic *as * ic % li$e t is one. It could &e a com&ination of &ot . It *as so 'i'id I really must a'e considered t e (ossi&ility. In t e dream% I *as &ac$ to t at t oug t. 3nly% it *as successful. It *as all con'iction% emotion. / ere *as no H in t e dream as suc , 6ust t e con'iction t at it all *or$ed out. "s *it t e &est of dreams% of ex(eriences% it@s im(ossi&le to (ut into *ords. /y(ically% I really s ould a'e *ritten a&out it rig t a*ay or as soon as% not t*o days later% as no*. / in$ing on it reminds me of t e (ossi&ility again. Iould it actually &e feasi&leG I y t e ell *as t e t oug t of it so 'i'id

MN

&eforeG "s 'i'id as t is recent dream. Ias it only t e dream t at &roug t t at memory to life againG Ias it only 'i'id in t e dreamG I@'e forgotten. / e memory *as integrated into t e dream% (art and (arcel of it% as if it *ere &eing ans*ered. I t in$ t e dream *as sym&olic. I mean I don@t t in$ I s ould ta$e it as some sort of signal t at I s ould try and (ut it into action. I li$ed t e idea of t at &efore, t at t e t oug t of er *ould gi'e me a focus if I could ma$e er t e centre of all my acti'ities% my 0use% and not sym&olically only% &ut acti'ely *or$ *it t e goal of getting toget er *it er in mind. Realistic if I *as t irty+fi'e may&e% &ut not no*. 3n t e ot er and you ear of (eo(le getting toget er at any old age. It@s al*ays (ossi&le. -ut I5d ex(ect er &e married of course, *it $ids% gro*n u(. <ot only t at% I5d *ant er to &e. I at if er us&and died 6ust &efore I met erG I don@t mean I find er and murder im or somet ing. I 6ust mean * at if s e *as a *ido*G It could a((en. I at if s e didn@t mind I *rote to er any*ayG Ce *ould. I y t e ell *as t e t oug t of doing t is% attem(ting it% so 'i'id &eforeG It could a'e &een longer ago t an I realise. I en it *as an actual (ossi&ility. 3r% it *as yet a (re'ious dream% &efore t e most recent one% * ic integrated t e earlier dream. It@s all sym&olic of course. / e *orld is a dream. Ie@'e ne'er &een se(arated in reality. It@s toug in t e dream t oug . "ll t e toug er no*adays. I ere@s t e (racticality in any of t is in an e'er+encroac ing (olice stateG It@s all fantasy. It@s al*ays &een fantasy. I ne'er did anyt ing a&out it at t e time. I ne'er really did anyt ing a&out anyt ing% * ate'er dream I ad. 0y * ole life as &een a fantasy. / is is ardly true. / e irony% and a cruel one% is t at it@s elements of t e P/- * o are intent it remains a fantasy% and not 6ust t at% &ut my life deteriorates to no life in any real form at all. It@s * at t ey do. "s if t eir deat as life could &e any &etter% t e @real@ t ing. -ut t at@s necro( ilia for you. <ig t of t e 2uc$ing Idiots. Ca. .od% I@m $nac$ered. "lmost too tired to &e *itty in any *ay. Ie@ll see * at a((ens% t oug t at often as muc de(ends on t e su&6ect, and t e grammar. / e music is /angerine #ream, for t e

N0

moment any*ay. I *as u( alf t e &loody nig t% cleaning and tidying u(. <ot ;uite in t at order. I ad to do it for t e landlords5 (eriodic ins(ection. / at@s rig t. I li'e in t e *orld still% t at@s 'ery little different from * en I *as nineteen, t e 'ery first time I ad a flat to myself. -oy% did I t ro* t at a*ay. #um&s it mo'es one ma$es in life *it t e &est of intentions t at can affect your dream of a life for t e rest of your days. -ut t at@s t e narcissistic maelstrom for you: S it Edgar "llan Poe says. <ot really. I li$ed it t at t ere@s some &irdsong on t e /. trac$. I could@'e done *it going out for a *al$ earlier, it@s still 'ery sunny e'en no*% 6ust after B.30 in t e e'ening. / ere@s a lot of green around ere. I@d a'e en6oyed t e &irdsong. -ut I@m a &it crotc ety * en I@m tired. I mig t not &e my usual% su(rarational self% =lol5% and t at could &e ... (ro&lematic% e'en dangerous. I@d &e 'ery (issed off% as is t e intention% if I find a &i$e cree(ing u( &e ind me% meaning loo$ing to go &y me% a((earing @out of @no* ere@. / e goal *ould &e to u(set my e;uili&rium% s(oil my little nature ram&le. / is came &ac$ to me again earlier% * en I ga'e in to tem(tation and *atc ed most of t e e(isode of !riminal 0inds. I@d seen it &efore, t e one a&out a serial $iller reacting to t e same scene% of dro*ning a *oman as it@s a *ay to sym&olically murder is mot er on is (assi'e+aggressi'e fat er@s &e alf, e@d *anted er dead% and is son (ic$ed u( on t at. "ny*ay% t eir young *under$ind doctor mentioned @stressors@ 7 $ey e'ents in t e =1nsu&@s5 life t at *ill set im off% * en e@ll li$ely ex(lode into 'iolence. / e (arallels are (retty o&'ious. / is is * at t is co'ert (rogram of go'ernment &ac$ed and instigated relentless arassment is designed to do% only% t ey *ant it so t at t ey@re t e cause of rage% frustration *it out an o&6ect% so t at you% at &est% turn t e anger in*ards% to*ards yourself. "t *orst% or (er a(s t e &est case scenario from t eir (oint of 'ie*% * o $no*s 7 I@'e found t ey loo$ on ot ers as collateral in t at t ey couldn@t care less 7 mig t &e if you lose it com(letely and go (ostal on some&ody@s =ass...G5 / at *ay% all t e circumstances *ould seem to indicate t e scenario t ey@'e *or$ed relentlessly to*ards for mont s% years% to &ring a&out. 8I y *ould t ey do it for yearsG It@s also a&out

N1

(erfecting t eir @craft@% as *ell as sadistic fun, t e more @refined@ t e &etter9. -ac$ground c ec$s% current circumstances% neig &ours and t eir misinformed t*o+cents *ort *ould seem only to &ac$ it u(. " &it of% or 'ery muc of a =loner5 8re, *eirdo9% $e(t imself to imself% didn@t seem to a'e many friends% if anyLdidn@t go out 'ery often% &e a'ed @strangely@ sometimes% e *as o&'iously slo*ly going mad% @sc i?o( renic@% * ate'er% if only *e@d $no*n. "ll 'ery @tragic@. / e lone nut t eory stri$es again. 8#elusions a&out &eing @targeted@% stal$ed% arassed% &y do?ens of (eo(le in rotation% in all *al$s of life9. Psyc iatrists5 &ac$ t is cra( u( of course% 6ust li$e t e =(olice (syc iatrist5 did recently% and t en as t e @im(artial@ one did later% * en t ey &roug t im in. Ce e'en insisted on trying to get me to tal$ a&out it. -ut I@d already cottoned on some o* t at t is *ould &e (art of t e set+u( to categorise me as delusional. Just o* many re(orts are t ey going to dismiss as delusional * en t e same ones $ee( coming in or t ey $ee( finding t emsel'es in contact *it G / ese (eo(le are un&elie'a&ly (at etic. / ey@re t e ones in denial of course% t e delusional ones% &ut t e system is set u( for you to &e categorised in isolation% con'eniently (igeon oled. It doesn@t matter t at t e Internet is c oc$+a+&loc$ *it accounts and info on t is su&6ect% from some 'ery credi&le (eo(le. "nd any*ay% * at *ould I *ant to ma$e it u( forG /o ma$e myself more *inds*e(t and interestingG / is is an organised% met odical nig tmare. / ey $no* t at. I@m sure t ey must s are ideas% com(are notes. / ey $no* t e score. / is is &igger t an t em. If t e go'ernment says it@s * at as to &e done% it@s t e *ay *e@re doing it% t en t at@s t e *ay it as to &e. It@s all &ased on fear. I y s ould t ey ris$ going t roug t e same cra( or sanctions% (assi'e+aggressi'e &e a'iour for t e sa$e of loser no&odies * o a'e some o* &roug t it on t emsel'esG 2ortunately I *as 'aguely a*are of t is as(ect too. I loo$ed on t em as neutral% too$ t e route of (seudo+denial myself% saying it ad &een misinter(reted% not &y me% &ut &y t e (olice 'ia t e (ersons * o ad re(orted me as (ointing a camera at t em. <ot t at I *as denying t e existence of go'ernment snitc es and arassment as suc % &ut t at t e (aranoia *as on their (art due to

N2

t ose (rograms% not mine. Ca. Ironic% * en t e cou(le of co(s *ere really trying to (us t at as(ect on me% and * at I@d said &efore. In effect t ey *ere arguing against me for t e case for =gang stal$ing5 7 t e go'ernments@ co'ert no =touc eugenics5Lslo* $ill (rogram as mentioned. -ut t at@s me all o'er. <o (un intended. Co' aness, t at *as it. I couldn5t recall is name earlier, t e com(oser of !antus "rticus. " sort of &irdsong concerto. " sym( ony of sorts% or long tone (oem. / ere@s also "nd / ere !ame .reat I ales. <ot many (seudo+cyclists running around interfering *it t at lot, 6ust great ar(oons. Co* incredi&ly orri&le. I could go to Sea Iorld% try and s*im *it t e dol( ins% see o* long I last% &efore I@m arrested. / ose &lo$es come to mind * o stole a (enguin * en t ey *ere drun$ on 'od$a% tried to feed it later% t en dum(ed it on a &eac . I t in$ t ey *ere fined V200. 2or causing fear and alarm to t e (enguin. -ut no% more li$ely for t e in'asion of (ri'ate (ro(erty. / at@s ;uite an irony t at I *as c arged *it a =&reac of t e (eace5 for causing fear and alarm. / e detec e'en descri&ed it as @sinister@. / at@s ;uite a ner'e% considering t at after t ey *ent a*ay t e first time t en came &ac$ 7 I@d t oug t I@d seen t e last of t em 7 I ad 6ust o(ened and closed t e front door% and *ent to t e &at room *indo* as is my *ay% and t ere t ey *ere% s*oo(ing in &y car again% ex(ecting to catc me at t e &ottom as I came out. "l*ays *it t e gaslig ting. E!ould you o(en t e door% Ed*ardGF e says. It 6ust so a((ened t at I adn@t gone do*nstairs t at time to o(en t e main stair door and% let it close itself. I sometimes do t at too, it@s more con'incing. I@'e &een doing it again recently% a num&er of times in a ro*. I often *rong+ foot t em% *atc ing t e taxis of &ot com(anies come in. / ey li$e to sync ronise t eir (assing *it ot er cars% 'ans% * ate'er. It@s o&'iously c oreogra( ed, a little game for t em% and for you to sound utterly nuts if you descri&e it. -ut it@s (erfectly o&'ious it a((ens *ay too often to &e c ance. / e &i$ers do it as *ell. / e only t ing t ey lea'e out is t e tag. 3r = ig +fi'ing5 eac ot er. Joggers and &i$es too% &ut running in t e same direction too

N3

for 'ariation% as yesterday. I = ig +fi'e5 some of t e =cyclists5 on corners no*. Je?us ! erist% * ere does t e time goG "nd I@'e come do*n *it ay fe'er% an a*ful cold% * ate'er. EI t in$ *e@re dying.F <ot really. It@s &een itc y% runny% Partly -loc$ed <ose !ity all day. "nd Streaming Eye. Just t e one for t e most (art. Just call me runny !yclo(s. I@'e forgotten most of t e e'ents of t e (ast fe* days or so. I ne'er descri&e it all, it fades into t e o&li'ion of tri'iality it came from. 3f course% &ecause it@s constant% ongoing% it@s relati'ely sim(le to &ac$+engineer it% so to say. Dou could say it@s all &ac$+engineered% for *e all li'e in t e (ast, some more t an ot ers. I@m sur(risingly a*a$e still% I see% e'en t oug it@s after 1am. I sle(t till late% and t en ad anot er semi do?e after reading four sections of 2acim@s excer(ts series% / e Rules of #ecision. I@d left it for a * ile. It@s so easy to get sidetrac$ed% and t en forget * ere I *as, t at lets me (rocrastinate all t e more% and t ere *e a'e it. I@'e $inda gi'en u( trying to $ee( u( *it t e 2012 Scenario site% &ut I@ll try and read some again. I tend not to ta$e t em 'ery seriously due to t e * ole <e* "gey 'i&e% t e laxness in terminology and discernment% t e almost "r&itrary !a(italisation% it seems to me. It all gets (retty self+contradictory. / e messages tal$ of duality% t en ot ers are &latantly dualistic, messages from .od% Jesus etc. Some of t em are o$ay. / ey@re mostly for t e more *oolly+minded% relati'ely easily satisfied. I a'e to agree *it Ia(nic$, t at not ing is going to a((en in 2012. It@s a &it of s oc$ in a *ay% a &it of a drag to ear t at% &ut I@m realistic enoug to face u( to it. It@s (retty inconcei'a&le e could &e *rong% mista$en. "s I said% or I t in$ I said% if anyone *ill $no*% e *ill. Eit er t at% or t e Coly S(irit% =.od5% Jesus% is telling e'eryone else (or$ies. <o *ait% t at@s t e same t ing in a sense. I can@t t in$ for snee?ing and snot, it@s ridiculous. .iya )anc eli% t e .eorgian com(oser% from /&lisi, e@s &een around for so long no*. I@m listening to is 2irst Sym( ony. It@s ard to &elie'e it *as *ritten * en I *as eig t% in 1NBK. / e year of @flo*er (o*er@. 1ri .eller foug t in / e Six #ay Iar. It5s

N4

concei'a&le it too$ )anc eli years to *rite t at sym( ony. I first eard im &ac$ in 1NN1. It *as is sixt sym( ony. It seems li$e yesterday% as al*ays. It *o$e me u(% or t e loud sectionLs did. It *as incredi&le% sounding li$e music from anot er *orld. / e earlier% ;uieter sections 7 and later% *ere e'en more ot er*orldly% t oug I ad to *ait a * ile until I eard it again. I *as listening to Jo n Peel at t e time still% of course. / e Jesus Hi?ard *as al*ays a fa'ourite% and is still. So any oo% I@ll a'e to get my finger out% as t ey say. -ut reading t e Ia(nic$L2acim is (ro'ing in'alua&le. "ll t e more reason to a'e stuc$ to it. I get caug t u( in ot er t ings% almost no'elties. I can loo$ on t em t at *ay no*% suc as t e 2012 site. / ere@s also t e (let ora of galactics5 'ids. I@d almost forgotten a&out t em again. I@m glad t ey@re $ee(ing it u(% $ee(ing t e o(e and o(timism going for many% not least me &efore t e 2012 &om&s ell dro(s and &ites t e dust. / ere@s little to &e done a&out t at. / ey (romise it *ill a((en% t at 0 *ill sto( it% and Ia(nic$% unrelated% says 0 *ill a((en. So t ere@s a &it of a contradiction t ere% met in$s. "nd t e *riters% editors% contri&utors and c annells of and for t e 2012 Scenario site li$ely a'e t e usual sim(le solution on t e face of t is% as *it most (eo(le for ot er reasons, t ey sim(ly ignore Ia(nic$ and " !ourse In 0iracles. So it@s t e true Jesus% t e true message. So * at% * o caresG <ot t e only trut % &ut t e most direct one, and a non+dualistic one. 3t ers aren@t o'erly concerned *it suc matters. / e =gs5% t e minions% as *it e'ery useful idiot of eac generation aren@t t e least concerned *it it, t ey@re not e'en a*are of it. / ey@re t e =*orlders5% after all. It struc$ me again t at &y t eir 'ery tri'iality% t eir 'irtual religion of snea$y% indirect aggression% t e ones at t e to(% t eir lords and masters% really must &e clueless as to t e nature of reality% and of course% lo'e. Ie all suffer from t e same (at ology I su((ose% as *e all s are t e same defences. It@s only a matter of degree. -ut it@s also agreed t at t e general consensus of t e (o(ulation * o are &eing su&6ected to t ese co'ert (rograms of deat dealing% descri&e t em as socio(at s, t is &ecomes self+e'ident to anyone * o ex(eriences it.

N>

Det% t e fact remains% t ese are yer ordinary man and *oman in t e street as al*ays% * o are ta$ing (art in t ese (rograms. It ma$es it clear, t e (assi'eLsnea$y aggressors% t e narcissists a'e al*ays &een *it us. / ey see t e (ro&lem as &eing in e'eryone else% &ut as Jo n Hydon so succinctly and directly (ut it% E/ e (ro&lem is you.F !on'ersely% "!I0 says @you do it &ut to yourself@. -ut it@s no sur(rise to me no*% t at t eir orientation% t eir raison detre is to try and &ring a&out t e 'ery state of mind and &e a'iour in t eir targets t ey claim and &elie'e t emsel'es to &e (rotecting ot ers from. -ut if t ey truly &elie'ed in it% t at it *as legitimate% t ey *ouldn5t need to &e so snea$y a&out it. It@s idden &ecause it@s aggression of course, emotional% (syc ological 'iolence. It@s al*ays &een idden. / at@s mainly t e nature of it. Just not from eac ot er. !ollusion inter(rets it any *ay it c ooses. / roug dissociation t ey can inter(ret it as constructi'e% e'en lo'ing. Det% t ey $ee( t eir tactics idden% &lending into t e foreground of e'eryday e'ents% as all narcissists% (syc o(at s do% exce(t * en t e 'iolence can &e o'ert. / at@s t e day t ey@re *aiting for too. It@s (ointless to see it as (ersonal% t oug they do% (ro6ecting all t eir inade;uacies% atred and guilt o'er t eir o*n (asts onto @deser'ing@ ot ers. Indirect aggression can ardly not &e destructi'ely intended. / ey clearly &elie'e it can in no *ay urt or e'en affect t emsel'es. I@d really @lo'e@ t e t oug t of li'ing in a *orld * ere t ere@s not ing &ut t at $ind of mediocrity and self+dece(tion. / e dulled deadness of it. / e ar&itrariness of it. E'ery (erson you $no*% inca(a&le of lo'e, s(outing t eir sentimental (latitudes on e'ery significant occasion &ut a'ing no idea * at it means. / ey (ractice t e same tric$s on eac ot er on t ese occasions 7 &irt days% Jmas% etc.% and do. / e same anc oring% sensitisation t e minions a'e &een taug t% mor( ed into ludicrous gestures of mediocrity on an indi'idual le'el% indi'idual relations i(s. It@s ;uite frig tening o* ot er+directed most (eo(le are% o* easily led and influenced. Co* little sense of real self t ey a'e. It@s all ego. / at@s * at t ey in'est in. / e flimsy roc$ t ey in'est t eir future in. Iell% go'ernment is t e &oss% so * o can &lame t emG

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"nd loo$ at * at a((ens to t ose * o don@t toe t e (arty line. / e *orld is in'erting% turning &ac$ in on itself again% &ecoming more (at ological &y t e day% * ile ot ers are coming more to t eir senses daily% &eginning to recognise it for * at it is. I a'e cree(s telling me I@m @sinister@% or% more accurately% t at my &e a'iour is, (ointing my camera out in t e street and at * oe'er a((ens to &e t ere. / ere@s al*ays some t*er( sitting in a car% some strategic 6ogger or t ree, or eig t. It@s all staged% for t e most (art. I remar$ on it% t ey laug % t e facile t*er(s. / ey t in$ it@s funny. / ey@re so full of cra(. If I@m es(ecially funny in res(onse% t ey don@t t in$ it is. I get t is snea$y cra( from day to day% street to street. / is is o* t ey@re *or$ing it. !ars% 'e icles of all si?es% some uge% time it to come ?i((ing in from all angles as soon as I5m out t e door, &ecause it@s a longis % relati'ely deserted street at times% es(ecially after >(m * en office *or$s is closed. / at@s less (otential *itnesses. It@s all intended to cause relentless anxiety% alarm% to *ear me do*n% induce a &rea$do*n% a (anic attac$% de(ression% t oug ts of suicide% actual suicide% self+ arm% erratic &e a'iour% or * at mig t &e seen as t at under t e circumstances% suc as me (ointing a camera at t e street to record t em in t e 'ery act of it. " &it of a dam(ener for t em. / ey ad to (ut a sto( to t at. If I $e(t it u( for long enoug I mig t a'e enoug info to demonstrate a (attern, or t eir ( ysogs for later if t e (olitical situation c anged and t is entire -S comes out. -ecause come out it *ill of course% as it al*ays does. / ey ne'er learn. / e documentation for t ese (rograms *ill come to &e (u&lic $no*ledge. / ey already are no*. / e P/-% t e little council cli;ues in e'ery to*n% in tandem *it t e =gs5 co(s and t e minions% sim(ly ignore it of course% and t e local (syc iatric institutions (lay t e same game. / ey@re (art of t e same legal system o'erall% and a'e t e same (o*ers% &ut t ey@re corru(t% ide in (lain sig t% &lend into t e foreground as a matter of course, all a (art of t e o'erall strategy. E'ery city as &een co+ o(ted &y t ese im(ostors no*. / ese are t e same (eo(le t at are fleecing residents &y &ogusly claiming t ey need re(airs done to t eir ouses% t e roofs% t e *alls, t at it@s mandatory &ecause t ey

NK

come under listed &uildings or ealt and safety rules, t ey@re liars% con+artists% t ie'es and ro&&ers% out for * at t ey can get and scre* e'ery&ody else. / ey ta$e ad'antage of t eir (osition% sanctioned &y go'ernment and gi'e t e most 'enal% mediocre% and t uggis % carte &lanc e to carry out t eir &idding% terrorising anyone * o sees t roug t e -S in t e name of (rotecting t e community. Da gotta remem&er% most (eo(le are &asically dis onest% &orn liars% not to mention nut?. Ie got ere due to &elie'ing in t e lies of t e ego after all. <ot t at *e@re ere in reality, *e only t in$ *e are. / e screen $ee(s &ecoming unreada&le due to t e glare of suns ine. "nd no* *e@re &ac$. "utocorrect or * ate'er t e ell it is% $ee(s on loo$ing to finis off *ords for me% many t at ma$e no sense of course and are already done. It reminds me of t e gs guided &y t eir resident $a(o. / ey ad6ust to e'ery last t ing you do% or t erea&outs% focusing on * at t ey &elie'es niggles you% *ea$ens you% al*ays loo$ing to add insult to (ercei'ed in6ury to $ee( t at 'icious cycle going% till it &ecomes intolera&le% yet relentless% merciless. / at@s * y it can &e defined as torture and t e intention is torture% emotionally% (syc ologically, and if you a((en to get into a fig t and are assaulted say% or ste( in front of a truc$% *ell% t at@s all (art and (arcel of t e fun. / e only solution at t e moment% as I say% is to reinter(ret it. 3n t e face of it% it@s difficult to see it as almost limitless o((ortunities for forgi'eness * en you@re dealing *it suc arrogance% u&ris. / e immediate sense is t at it@s *asted on t em, and to all intents and (ur(oses it is% or at least seems to &e. / e im(ortant t ing to remem&er to $ee( in mind if you can is t at forgi'eness isn@t de(endent on ot ers 7 t oug t ey@re an integral (art of it% needless to say. -ut it need only ta$e (lace in t e mind of one (erson, in t is instance% me. 2orgi'eness% t e "tonement% is timeless. It as 0 to do *it time, it@s outside of time, ell 8 ec$9% t ere is no time, and no s(ace and no *orld eit er. <ot t at I truly &elie'e t at% &ut I try Q to $ee( it in mind. "n interloc$ing c ain of forgi'eness as already ta$en (lace, time is an illusion. It@s 6ust a matter of time. Ca. / is means t ey@ll come to acce(t it

NM

e'entually% as *ill I. So if you don@t ma$e it in t is dream of a life% t is incarnation% neit er mig t t ey. "nd deat as life is really no life at all% so * at@s to en'yG If only miracles count and "tonement is real% it follo*s t at@s t e only t ing t at *ill &e left% * et er you@re ere or not% * et er you @ma$e it@ or not. In a sense it@s li$e in'esting for your future% no*. -ut a real in'estment% in miracles, all t e t oug ts of forgi'eness% our creations% t at are stored and accumulate and gro* on t e 6ourney to ea'en% a @6ourney *it out distance@% &ut t ere *ill &e an ending. 3 % and a continual in'estment lessens t e c ances of a'ing to come &ac$ into t e dream% one *ould t in$. 3r a'ing lessons to learn t roug suc erroneous% trying and tiresome circumstances. I do t in$ I learn. I do feel I@m on to( of t is. Sometimes I don@t, t at@s ine'ita&le. It@s all (art of one great confidence tric$ 7 of t e ego. / ey% re(resenting t e ego% *ant you to &ecome mired n e'eryday circumstances% o'er* elmed, to feel utterly (o*erless. "nd t at may *ell &e t e case in t e ego5s terms. -ut t e mind is so'ereign% untouc a&le. / e &rain and (ersonality isn5t t e real mind% t e real me eit er. <o* I@m reading of internment cam(s% * ere (eo(le *ill &e indoctrinated in seeing t e error of t eir *ays in t e lig t of t e grand moralistic mission of t e P/-. I y doesn@t t at sur(rise meG / e * ole *orld is turning into a cult in any case. " &unc of cults. If I *ere indoctrinated% anyone * o is% it *ould &e only on a surface le'el. Dou *ould &e li$e t em, clones% t e great &rain*as ed. "nd some* at slig tly da?ed, or cra?ed. -ut s(irit *ill out. It@s against Q true e'olution. .od @*on.@ .od is. Ie made it to t e end of time% along *it Jesus% ! rist% oursel'es% * o@s already t ere% at t e end of t e finis line. I en I remem&er t is% I remem&er I@m a((y% 6oyous e'en, t at% as I said% it@s 6ust a matter of time. / ey% in terminal conceit and u&ris don@t $no* t is% don@t care% and *ouldn5t &elie'e it in any case. /o t em% it@s only dri((y+ i((y ne* age notions% amounting to 0 8/ ey@re acti'ely against it% if only t ey $ne*% t oug I@m sure t e ig er ec elons of delusion are more @a*are@ and met odical a&out it9. 3nly t e *orld is real% and *orldly (o*er, only t e ego is real, not t at

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t ey@d t in$ in t ose terms. Ro&otic+minded &o?os li$e t e /S". Snic$ering t ugs and fools% (assing nude ( otos around% iring criminals to feel u( t e $ids and t e *omenfol$. I at a rac$et. "ll &lending into t e foreground% into eac ot er% &lurring t e lines &eyond recognition% t e line &et*een fantasy and reality% at least in t eir terms of definition. / is * at t e gs minions do on t e street% t e cra( one gets e'eryday. Hoo$ing to disorientate one5s (erce(tions of e'eryday e'ents% @reality@% so I see t reats e'ery* ere% see / em e'ery* ere% e'en * en it isn@t t em. / is is * y t ey a'e cars% &i$es 7 &ot cyclists and motor&i$es 7 (eo(le doing sync ronistic little manoeu'res% &e a'iours% 6ust as you@re coming% going% (assing. !ars and (eo(le going &y 6ust as I go out% or t at@s t e intention. / is is a long road% and a side road at t at, it@s not too &usy% foot*ise, it ta$es a &it of timing on t eir (art% often 'ery (recise. I ad a &it of a field day *it it yesterday% o(ening and closing t e front door% going do*nstairs to do it again *it t e main door% &ut not going out% coming &ac$ u( ere to *atc out t e *indo*. Sometimes I@ll *atc from t e slat in t e curtains of t e &edroom *indo*, I don@t *ant to &e t e same e'ery time% let t em $no* e'ery time, t at I $no*. They $no*, t ey must $no* &y no*. -ut it ser'es t e (seudo+(u((et masters locally% or t e (eo(le t at set if off e'ery time I o(en t at door% and not tell t e minions t at I do $no*. I at are t ey gong to do% sto(G / ey don@t need to, t ere@s tens% undreds of t em. Really. I@'e &een targeted for total demoralisation. In t e meantime I can snic$er at t e *indo* myself% *atc t em ?i((ing out of t e side of one of t e *or$s o((osite% mo&ile in and% 6ust as t ey ex(ect me to &e *al$ing out of t e close% t en loo$ u(% and see me *atc ing &latantly from t e &edroom *indo* t is time% in t is case% ands resting on t e sill% curtain *ide o(en% as e glances u( from t e close * ere e ex(ected me to &e% t en loo$s ;uic$ly a*ay &ecause e doesn@t *ant me to see e *as loo$ing and t at e@s seen me% only not * ere I *as ex(ected to &e. "s if is glancing a*ay ma$es any difference. Ias it as sym(tomatic of not *anting to ma$e eye contactG / ese (etty little trium( s mean 0 of course% s ifting

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from day to day% 6ust flotsam and 6etsam% as idle and insignificant as a feat er in t e &ree?e. "s I said% it@s all (ersonal for t em% e'en t oug t ey don@t $no* me (ersonally. / at@s t e insanity of it. / ey t in$ t ey $no* eac ot er in reality, t at@s t e furt er insanity of it. -ut * at@s to $no* exactly% if t ey@re all clones% or as near asG / at@s o* t ey see me. Eac attri&utes t e same (erce(tion to t e ot er. I got u( to cra(% ma$e some ot c ocolate 7 I@'e gi'en u( on instant coffee% I can ne'er drin$ it all% it@s so cra( 7 and o(en and close t e front door in (assing% loo$ out t e *indo*% t e $itc en *indo*% and see a cou(le of &i$es going &y% a*ay from me% a'ing 6ust (assed t e &uilding. I *ent to t e &edroom% a &lo$e is getting into a car o((osite, all e does is dri'e around into t e *or$s% a matter of a fe* yards. I at *as t e (ointG /o &e t ere * en I *as ex(ected to &e coming out of t e closeLflats. / is constant =artificial sync ronisation5. @Sync ronising@ t e *orld5 o'er *it t eir satanic+minded orses it. / e * ole *orld is li$e t is no*, e'ery industrialised nation. It@s t at cree(y% t at endemic. / e *orld is no*% if unofficially% science fiction. Jo n !ar(enter5s / ey Hi'e is t e most a((osite% (rescient mo'ie e'er made in t is context. / ere@s also / e /ruman S o*% / e 0atrix% and 4, &ot t e /4 series@% *it aliens as re(tiles% and t e "lan 0oore gra( ic no'el on * ic t e film *as &ased, all 'ariations on t e same t eme. It@s a&out time someone com&ined t em all. / at@s * at t is is in a *ay% as t is is t e reality of t e situation 7 a ma$es ift reality to &e sure% &ut an accurate reification and sna(s ot of e'eryday e'ents. !om&ine t em and see o* it forms into a monstrous cons(iracy. 3 % and t e car t at came in and did a 1+turn% if a slo*% lingering one Q "l*ays *it t e 1+turns. / ey@'e &een at it for mont s. It &egan again *it t e taxis% after one of t em got (issed off at me for t um&ing im in time to is intentional engine start+u(% t is as I (assed t e car*as near&y. Ce *as (ar$ed inside. / e ot er day% coming &ac$ into t e street% I sto((ed dead% *aited &eside a car and *atc ed a &unc of cars come in% one after t e ot er. I *as ex(ected to &e furt er do*n t e street. Instead% t ey did 1+turns, sometimes sto((ed% or

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carried on out t e street into t e main road. / e 1+turns are a common 6unction e'ent% sync ronising *it crossroads% any road at all t at ser'es t e (ur(ose of anc oring and sensitisation. It@s a *ay of dri'ing at you% t en off% &ut legitimately, suggesting t reat% com&ined *it t eir -ig -rot erLIe@re Iatc ing Dou% -S. "gain% one as to *onder * y no one *ould guess t e next stage of so+called neig &our ood *atc *ould &e to ex(and it% t en a'e it mor( from su((osed *atc ingLsur'eillance% to indirectLco'ert aggression% attac$s% relentless arassment. I o didn@t see t is coming% and * o denies it exists no*G / e same (eo(le t at deny indirect% snea$y aggression exists, t e snea$y aggressors, t e @nice@ (eo(le. / e t oug t t at t ey conduct t emsel'es t is *ay in all t eir dealings *it (eo(le% t eir relations i(s% &usiness 'entures% c eers me u( immensely. Hi$e any good (syc o(at % t ey@ll get &urned% &ot emotionally and financially% coming ne'er to trust anyone% and so t e cycle continues. " life of gradual @disillusionment@% &ecause t ey ne'er ad t e sense to see t ey *ere &ac$ing t e *rong orse% t at it ga'e t em 0 and t ey learned 0. / e @ uman all too uman@% small+minded (art of me re'els in t e t oug t of t eir future and (resent un a((iness t at lies &e ind t e com(lacent% self+satisfied% narcissistic smir$s% t e delusion of 6oining% of omni(otence. / is% anot er *ay to descri&e it, t at it@s an orgy of =(assi'e@ aggression, t e snea$y% indirect aggressors are a'ing a field day, t ey@re in t eir element. / e *orld is no* t eir oyster% or so t ey &elie'e% / eir go'ernments% t roug local aut orities are gi'ing t em all t e delusional sense of (etty (o*er t ey e'er *anted. 2ig t clu& is t ey% 6ust as near t e end of t e mo'ie, t ey a'e t eir and in e'eryt ing. / ey@re t e ones * o ne'er ad t e (otential or (ossi&ility of &eing t e roc$ stars% or artists% or *riters% or true scientists% arc aeologists% cosmologists% arc eo+astronomers% * ate'er. -ut mainly roc$ stars and actors. I al*ays ad t e (otential of any of t em% unli$e most of t em. <o* t ey can ta$e out t eir frustrations on * omsoe'er t ey (ercei'e as @*ea$er@% el(less under t e circumstances% *it t e full *eig t of t e @la*@ to &ac$

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t em. 0an% I@ll &e glad * en t is s it crum&les% as it surely *ill, it al*ays does% sooner or later% and all t e s it comes out and its t e fan% as t eir *ar(ed% t*isted sense of morality is ex(osed for t e derangement it is. / ese morons% t e cle'er idiots% trying to get me committed, t at@s t e goal or (art of it. / ey@re loo$ing to set me on a do*n*ard s(iral t at *ill (ro'e im(ossi&le to extricate myself from% as no*% and *ill al*ays &e t ere to see t at t e 6o& is done rig t. / is is t e lo'ing attention t at -us (romised% * en e said% E/ ose * o are not for us are against us.F "nd t e useful idiots a'e al*ays &een t ere to carry out #addy@s &idding% seeing t eir sins and guilt in e'eryone else. "ll t ey needed *as t e (retext.

2ri. "l*ays lea'ing it too late. It@s 1.30 am. 3ne of t e &est t ings a&out *riting for myself t oug is t at e'ery entry is an o((ortunity to condense t ings as &est I can. Restricted time forces me to focus on * at@s t e most im(ortant to me. 3r% alternati'ely% I t in$ I a'e time to fit it all in% t en slee(iness comes on me and t at@s t at till t e next day% t en it@s t e same story. / is is * y I@m going day to day% telling myself I@ll catc u( t e follo*ing day. It@s a ne'er+ending cycle of not $ee(ing u(. I s ould s a(e t is into some $ind of e(ita( for * en I@m dead. Infamous last *ords. Hoo$% t ere@s anot er (aragra( I@'e 6ust *ritten. It@s no* @eternal@% immortal. <ot ing of t is *orld is eternal% &ut you get

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my drift. .enerally s(ea$ing it can@t &e undone. It@s done. I@m @fore'er@ fascinated *it t is idea. I@m ama?ed% astounded &y e'ery sentence I get do*n% $no*ing t at it@s a direct record of my t oug ts% o*e'er one c ooses to inter(ret t at. "n actual t oug t as 6ust come to me. It@s my current situation t at@s reinforced my a*areness of t is, t at and 'ery recent e'ents, getting follo*ed &y a car 7 cars 7 &ecause I *as (ointing a camera in t eir direction in (assing. I su((ose I could descri&e it as a less intense 'ersion of #ostoie's$y@s ex(erience of &eing set u( for a fa$e execution. / ey too$ im out% lined im u(% did t e * ole eye&and &it I *ould t in$% com(lete *it soldier &oys *aiting *it t eir rifles% and t en let im go% t e fuc$*its. 4ery amusing for t em I@m sure. It scared t e cra( out of him t oug , it ad an intensely (rofound effect on im. / e no'elist and (essimist% .ra am .reene *ould (ractice is o*n 'ersion of t e same t ing% (utting a gun to is ead and (laying Russian roulette. <o dou&t e felt ali'e *it (ossi&ilities * en e adn@t as yet &lo*n a ole in is ead. Sartre said e felt most ali'e during t e II11. I got t ese from !olin Iilson, e@s *ritten a&out it for years. It@s &een so long% my memory@s a &it ro(ey on is exam(les no*% no (un intended. -ut yes% I su((ose t ere is an element of t at. I@'e ne'er really li$ed t e idea of doing a &log, t is is my &log. I (refer to try and 6oin t e dots% not 6ust a'e a series of loosely related (ostings% if e'en t at. Some mig t say t at t is is little different% &ut (ut it t is *ay: It@s a matter of sur'i'al 6ust to succeed in ma$ing any sense of e'ents at all. 3r% to (ut it anot er *ay% continuity is almost forced on me &y t e 'ery act of a'ing to ma$e sense of e'ents, and t at many (eo(le are li$ely less ca(a&le of t is, inca(a&le in some cases% (ossi&ly many, t at e'ents% t e relentless arassment and &adgering% t e organised interference *it e'ery as(ect of t eir li'es (ro'ed to &e too muc for t em. It@s (ro&a&ly 'ery nai'e of me% &ut I find it 'ery difficult to imagine myself in t e state of mind * ere I *ould find it 6ustified and necessary to torment and stal$ *omen to deat in tandem *it multi(le ot ers and not feel t e slig test ;ualm of conscience a&out it. Co* does anyone *or$ imself or erself u( into suc a mercilessly self+rig teous state of mindG

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3ne as(ect% clearly% is t at eac as t e rest to &ac$ t em u(, and t e (ermission% e'en instigation of a ig er aut ority. .o'ernment do a'e t e (o*er of life and deat % after all% often la*fully. If t ey say it@s o$ay% t en it must &e, e'en if t ey c oose to do it co'ertly. -ut t en% it@s 6ust factions. Per a(s t ey &elie'e t ey@re 6ustifia&ly getting around loo( oles in t e la*% ser'ing as a (arallel 6ustice system as I@'e read. / ey certainly &e a'e as if t at@s t e case. / ey@re as self+rig teously im(enetra&le as any ra&idly myo(ic+minded fanatic or fundamentalist. It amounts to a glo&al cult. It@s all circular. .o'ernment is rife *it dirty (olitics. / is is all dirty. "nd deceitful. / e end *ill ne'er 6ustify t e means for t at reason. "ll it does is &reed more deceit and greater crimes and 6ustifications. I ate'er t ey c oose to &elie'e% t*o *rongs% or deat &y one undred t ousand cuts *ill ne'er ma$e a rig t. -ut it can certainly seem to dilute any sense of cul(a&ility for it, eac (lays t eir (art as a cog in t e eugenics @no touc @ torture mac ine% o*e'er seemingly insignificant. E'eryone t ey send and (rocure into t eir little scenarios% from young girls and &oys to older 7 all sym&ols of t eir o*n (ro6ected guilt% &ecome caug t u( in t eir 'ast *e& of guilt and cul(a&ility% &ut t e less t ey $no* a&out it% t e let al (ur(ose &e ind suc seemingly innocuous and e'en amusing little =s$its5 and = arassments5% t e less guilty t ey feel a&out it% or are e'en a*are of it in any sense * en it@s instigated t roug sym&ols of aut ority% * et er older si&lings% friends% a (arent% a co( or ot er official% and all t at re(resents: .o'ernment. .o'ernment is "ll to some (eo(le, to t e ma6ority of t e (o(ulation% as as &ecome increasingly clear. 0ay&e it@s true t at only t e 20 (ercent ta$e (art% so% it@s really only a section of t e (o(ulation. I t in$ it could &e more% e'en a lot more% &ut it@s also &ecome clear to me t at many of t em feel o&liged to do it. I@'e seen t e guilt on some of t eir faces% or relati'ely su(erficial concern in ot ers% * en t ey $no* you@re onto t em and t e agenda. -ut most of t em seem to re'el in it. E'eryone feels (ut u(on in life% seeing imself or erself as t e eternal 'ictim% t e suffering martyr. I at &etter recom(ense t an to ta$e out t e failures of t eir li'es on ot ersG / eir doomed relations i(s% t eir ina&ility to lo'e, t eir resentment

10>

o'er t e unfairness of life% t e ine;uality of re*ards and com(ensations% com(ared to cele&rities and t e li'es t ey lead. 2ig t clu& a((lied as muc to t em% as I say. / e roc$ stars and mo'ie stars t ey@ll ne'er &e. / e &ig -e'erly Cills omes t ey@ll ne'er see t e inside of% let alone a'e% t e starlets and grou(ies t ey@ll ne'er (ossess% t e cele&rity (er$s and famous (eo(le and (oliticians t ey5ll ne'er ru& s oulders as =e;uals5 *it . / e &ig flas y car or ro* of cars t ey could ne'er afford. / e (ri'ate 6ets and elico(ters 8e'en if e'ery extra fancy and ex(ensi'e gadget increases your c ances of &eing in'ol'ed in a fatal accident in a *ay t at doesn@t a((ly to t e (oor or t ose of more modest means, or lac$ of t em. Irony9. / e adulation and en'y of millions. Just taxes and mortgages and greedy &an$s and ar(y *i'es or socio(at u&&ies and una((reciati'e &ratty $ids% a c i( off t e old &loc$% a'ing learned it from t em% male and female ali$e% t e terminally emotionally immature% t e o(elessly narcissistic% raising t eir em&ryonic &rood of future socio(at s% as fanatically self+rig teous and @ olier t an t ou@ as t emsel'es and more so% in a ne'er ending cycle of increasing u&ris and 'iciousness. @<ice@ (eo(le% t e c ronically% incorrigi&ly (assi'e+ aggressi'e% t e indirect aggressors% don@t gro*. / at@s * y t ey $ee( re(eating t e same (atterns in t eir li'es and relations i(s% carrying on in t is endlessly dreary% re(etitious loo( of t e same tactics and arassment, t ey@'e literally succeeded in @t inging@ t emsel'es% not 6ust ot ers, t oug t at *as al*ays t e case on an indi'idual le'el% as @an idea ne'er lea'es its source@% and @(ro6ection ma$es (erce(tion.@ Co* *e see anot er is o* *e see oursel'es. / ey don@t get t at. I didn@t get it eit er in my late teens still, or% if I did% t e im(ulse to ta$e li&erties% t e sense of &eing a 'ictim% t e anger o'er t e @(oor me@ syndrome *as still t ere. It *as still t ere in my mid+t*enties too. Ie all ta$e li&erties certain (eo(le% or *it animals in one form or anot er. Ie treat t em li$e animals. Ie@re off and and condescending. Dou can see o* cruel su((osedly normal (eo(le are in t eir &e a'iour to*ards animals% and 6ust o* common it is. Ie@re fore'er a'ing it drummed into us t roug t e media% crime &oo$s% o*

10B

relati'ely rare t e &e a'iour is% suc as in t e c aracteristics t at com&ine to ma$e a serial $iller. I@m sure t e com&ination may &e relati'ely rare% as in t e case of a so+called (ure (syc o(at % &ut in terms of e'eryday e'ents no*% and your a'erage Joe on t e street% literally% socio(at y is (retty ram(ant, t ey@re all @(syc o(at s@ *it out conscience, as soon as some aut ority figure tells t em it@s 6ustified and t ere *ill &e no rec$oning o'er it. I@'e al*ays $no*n it@s *rong% tried to restrain t at im(ulse in myself% if not al*ays * olly successfully. / ey a'e no suc ;ualms of conscience. / ey@re almost com(letely ot er+directed. / e only reason for @conscience@ *it t em% for =decent5 conduct of any $ind% is * et er or not it mig t &ring on any $ind of a((ro&ation or not. If not% t en t ere@s little reason for it. In fact it &ecomes its o((osite. / ey &ecome li$e t e religious fanatics of old% certain in t eir 6ustified causes &ased on secular @moral@ aut orities% * ile many of t ose same aut orities indulge in e'ery $ind of 'ice and torture you can imagine. "s for t e rest% t e 'iolence is of t e mind% safely idden% or so t ey assume. / eir u&ris% arrogance assures t em it *ill ne'er &e re'ealed% as u&ris and iding is all t ey $no*, it@s * o and * at t ey &elie'e t ey are. It &ecomes clearer t an e'er to me t at it@s all &ased on fear. E'en t e maliciousness is non+existent in t at it@s &ased on fear, fear isn@t real. <one of t ose emotions or e'ents is real% &ecause t ey@re illusions% causeless, t ey a'e no effects in terms of reality. / ey t emsel'es *ould tell you t is is reality% &ut t at@s &ecause t ey@re deluded and insane. / ey@re cra?y (eo(le. It@s surely dou&ly insane% a com(ounding of insanity to &e una*are t is *orld isn@t reality yet attem(t to distort t e (erce(tions of ot ers in terms of e'eryday e'ents and its seeming reality. "s if t eir (oisoning of @reality@ is some o* su(erior to t e e'eryday (erce(tion of t e targets t ey@re trying to disorientate. I at concerns me is t e t oug t of &eing suc$ed into going round and round in circles *it t is cra(. If I don@t *rite I feel li$e my &rain is turning to mus . 0ore accurately% I s ould say: my mind. -ut t at only raises t e ;uestion as to * at as(ect. It

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*ould a'e to &e t e ego% *ouldn@t itG !om(lexity isn@t of Q t e s(irit. Iell% t at@s got me started any*ay. /o 6ust ty(e and see * at comes, ty(e anyt ing at all% really% as long as it doesn@t come out li$e Jac$ <ic olson5s efforts in / e S ining. "s long as it 6ust ma$es some sense Q I *as all set yesterday% t e ot er day% e'ery day% *it t ings in mind. "l*ays t ings on my mind, you $no* * at a c atter&ox t e egomind is. I do myself an in6ustice sometimes, and * at *it t e tendency of ot ers to ta$e one at face 'alue Q t in$ t*ice a&out * at you say. 3ne day I@ll ta$e my o*n ad'ice% if mine it is. I ad some interesting t ings in mind% t emes% trains of t oug t 8I5'e 6ust s*allo*ed a t esaurus9 I *anted to ex(lore% or e'en 6ust touc on. I didn@t e'en ma$e notes. I used to ma$e lots of notes% on 'arious (ads, sometimes I@ll 6ust scri&&le t ings do*n on anyt ing li$e some mad artist or com(oser. 3r an o&sessed one. 0artinu comes to mind. Ce@d scri&&le do*n ideas on ta&leclot s on restaurants. 8I can rarely afford to &e in restaurants &ut I am (artial to t e occasional all you can eat ! inese9. I lose t ese notes as often as not% or% (aradoxically% im(ractically, I a'e note&oo$s almost full of notes% t emes and s(eculations I didn@t follo* u( on. / ey@re ;uite interesting little collections in t emsel'es no*% as t ey a'e a certain intensity% a denseness of sorts due to t e fact t ey@re mainly filled *it ideas I *anted to get do*n out of necessity% not *anting to forget t em. / at@s t e (ur(ose of a note&oo$ after all% or is% for an eternal *ould+&e *riter. It 6ust means I lose% or mis(lace% or forget my &est ideas. I may *ell feel t ere@s al*ays more * ere t ey came from% &ut time% our li'es ere% is finite. I mig t sus(ect t at *e@re all only re(eating oursel'es for t e most (art in any case% &ut t at isn@t al*ays t e case. / e (oint of a note&oo$ is &ecause one is trying to or &elie'es t at t is time% again and e'en again% it@s a some* at original o&ser'ation, t at one is saying somet ing in not ;uite t e same *ay one did &efore% or anyone else as% as far as one $no*s, or is trying to. It@s also a *ay of distancing oneself from e'eryday e'ents% trying to gain some (ers(ecti'e. / ese a'e &een des(erate times

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and still are. 2e* (eo(le really $no* * at t e ell t ey@re doing. It@s all mainly a&out trying to $ee( &ody and soul toget er and find a *ay to ma$e a &uc$% or $ee( t at going. Peo(le are letting t emsel'es &e ri((ed off rig t left and centre, t e &an$s foreclosing on mortgages% ram(ant in t e States% (eo(le losing t eir 6o&s% a 'icious cycle caused &y t e &an$s in t e first (lace% as Ic$e (oints out. Just one &ig ra(acious rac$et. Peo(le can@t deal *it t e stress any more% t e anxiety, or many can@t. I at else is t ere to do &ut try and lose yourself in entertainment% in sex% in dreamsG "ll I a'e is t e dreams and entertainment (art% as sex in'ol'es an actual (erson and t is system% t e 0atrix% is set u( to sa&otage any *ould+&e connections *it ot ers% * et er (latonic or ot er*ise% t en &lame you for &eing t e @*eirdo@ *it @no friends@ or connections. / ey $no* t at@s t e 'ery t ings most (eo(le need to sur'i'e on% t e 'ery stuff of life for many. / at a life *it out (eo(le% friends% connections% e'en sex 7 or% for some% es(ecially sex 7 is no life at all. !ertainly li'ing a life in fear isn@t really li'ing, nor is it life. -ut neit er is / eirs% &ecause life is one. "ll t ey a'e% or &elie'e t ey a'e% is s(ecialness. / e 'ery fa&ric of t eir sense of satisfaction is (redicated on t e a*areness% t e t oug t% t at t ey a'e * at t ey &elie'e you don@t, somet ing% anyt ing% t ey don@t care * at, (refera&ly e'eryt ing. 1ltimately% t at@s going to mean your life% or * at t ey in t eir insanity &elie'e is life, t at e'eryt ing is so muc s*eeter% more satisfying% if it@s at t e ex(ense% t e canni&alising of someone else. / ese (eo(le are emotionally and (syc ologically retarded. I@'e said it &efore and I@ll say it again. It@s also (redicated on t e &elief t at it@s 'irtually failsafe% im(regna&le% due to t e fact t at t is is a cons(iracy and organisation so 'ast% t at &y t e 'ery contrast of t e no&odies li$e me it focuses on 7 t oug not only =no&odies5 7 t is ma$es it all t e more un&elie'a&le% and more effecti'e for t at reason. I at@s one nonentity@s o(inion in t e face of a glo&al agenda of genocide t roug stealt G / is is t e &iggest% most @(aranoid@ delusion of all. / in$ing you mig t &e <a(oleon or Jesus *it ers &y com(arison. <ot really% as t at@s ;uite easily dis(ro'a&le. / is isn@t, t oug (syc iatrists *ill tell you @emotionally un&alanced@

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(eo(le are only (ic$ing u( t ese ideas from t e net no*, t at t ese o&'iously &ogus and cra?y re(orts% accounts% &logs etc.% are feeding into (aranoia% a mental (ro&lem t at@s already t ere. Co* con'enient. If t ere is a mental (ro&lem% and I don@t mean in my o*n case 7 t oug ! rist $no*s% fe* (eo(le are sane 7 t en t ere@s a met odical% organised% and concerted effort to exacer&ate it 7 t e (ro&lem, if t ere is a (ro&lem. / e (ro&lem% again% is them. Just as Jo nny Rotten sang in Pro&lem, I5m (ara( rasing im. "s any fule $no. 8<ot forgetting t e (ro&lem is in t e &elief t ere5s a (ro&lem% as Ia(nic$ said9. / ese (eo(le are insane. / e (syc iatrists% t e social scientists t at designed t is t*isted system are insane. / e e'eryday citi?ens t at carry it out% t e useful idiots% t e cle'er morons% are insane. Het@s &e clear a&out t at. Het@s not &eat a&out t e -oy -us . Het@s tell it li$e it is. / is is organised% met odical genocide% carried out *it t e full &lessing of t e state, or a faction of it. / ey@re not omniscient% omni(resent at all. / ey stri'e to create t at im(ression% t roug @s*arming@% confusing% disorientating targets (erce(tions of e'eryday Q (erce(tion. E'ents. I at ne'er seems to occur to t em is t at I don@t need to figure t em all out. / at% if I c ose% I can say: I o t e ell caresG I at does it matter if t ey carry on *it t eir red to(s and tee s irts cra(% red cars% utilising P3 'ans and ot ers for t e same (ur(ose% con'enientlyG a((ear in red s oes 7 as a((ened ;uite recently, s e stood t ere to ma$e sure I didn@t miss it 7 or are *earing somet ing red% carrying red% * ate'er Q Just an exam(le. Sync ronise cars% 'ans% &i$es% (eo(le% to &e t ere% 6ust a((ening to &e t ere * en you go out% standing% 6utting% ?i((ing out of door*ays% closes% and 6um(ing into cars t en *aiting till you come ad6acent% *it groceries in my case% t en start u( t e engine suddenly% and Q not mo'e t is time% as t ey *ere too close to t e traffic lig ts and ad to *ait. @<ormally@ t ey@ll 6ust ta$e off at t e same time, a 'ariation is to dri'e in at t e same time% coming to a sto( 6ust ad6acent. "s if I@m not going to ma$e t e connection% (un intended. / is as &een going on for mont s no*, years. /ry and guess t e @logical@ extension of t is% or one extension: It@s to 'ary and *iden t e sco(e of it. !ars% 'ans% taxis%

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to 6ust a((en to &e mo'ing off 7 or to*ards you from a stationary (osition% 6ust as I come out of t e flat% turn into a street% come to a 6unction% traffic lig ts. / en t ere are t e endless 1+ turns, &ot a 'ariation on t e same t ing and a 'eiled t reat t roug suggestion. It5s t e same t ing *it cars sitting at t e edge of (a'ementsLroads 8or (artly on t e (a'ement as is common on ones route% too often to not &e (artly staged9 or t e street. -i$es% t e same cars 8(ri'ate ca&s% different com(anies9% people too 7 6oggers% (ar$ing *ardens% and% in my case% dog+*al$ers 7 6ust a((ening to sync ronise it so t ey@re t ere on t e corners% 6unctions% t is * en I@m a((roac ing, again% it@s to suggest t reat as *ell as sur'eillance, it isn@t left at t e latter no*, it@s (syc ological *arfare, it@s to *ear you do*n, it@s multi+ (ur(ose. / ey @co'er@ e'eryt ing, t ey@re t ere at e'ery as(ect of ones daily life% constantly &adgering% arassing% o((ressing and demoralising% or t at5s t e intention in t e name of (rotecting% democracy% and community. If I don@t *al$ I@m de(endent on &uses of course. I@m not affluent. 2ar from it. I@d &e a different $ind of target or not a target at all. / at@s anot er as(ect of t e stu(idity of it% t e confidence tric$ of it, it@s a system de'ised &y t e affluent% t e ric % and t e *ealt y t at use t e lo*er class against t e lo*er class. -ut t e middle+class% lo*er middle+class% all t at s it% are in'ol'ed too% * en t e (syc iatric (rofession and doctors collude *it it, admittedly some *ill &e coerced, &ut t is is a (olice state no*, (eo(le collude% from all *al$s of life, it@s 6ust t e *ay it is% t e *ay it@s @al*ays@ &een. #o you t in$ t ey@re going to admit itG #o you t in$ t ey@re not going to deny itG / at t at@s not t e first t ing t ey@ll doG / ey a'e a su(eriority com(lex. / ey@re (atronising narcissists. It@s all ierarc y% (osition% (restige and (o*er *it t em% all ego. / ey@ll laug at you% li$e t e <a?is *ould laug at you% secure in t eir 'irtual omniscience and omni(resence% t e &elief t at t e situation *ould ne'er c ange. Dour o(inion is irrele'ant. Dou@re eit er *it us or against us. Just as .eorge -us said. Ce (romised t is system% t ese acti'ities *ould &e (ut in (lace. It can start off small% some disli$e &y someone, it@s all @little@ t ings%

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to *ear you do*n o'er a (eriod of time% t e accumulation of it% ine'ita&ly% if you a'e any @s(irit@ 7 or ego 7 at all% you@re going to retaliate% t ey ta$e it all (ersonally% see it as a c allenge to t eir aut ority 7 and @smarts@% a slur on &ot % and &efore you $no* it% you@re an @enemy of t e state@ 7 or t e locale% * o@'e decided to ta$e t e states &idding and tacit (ermission t roug omission% inference and @indifference@% &y inter(reting it as t ey see fit, or someone as% t e string+(uller * o directs t e e'eryday (u((ets, una*are t ey@re all &eing (layed. I can really only see it as (ro'incial% in t at it@s directed locally% o*e'er glo&al t is is. "nd it is. "ll t ose (syc iatrists and t e rest *ill &e ex(osed as t e liars and fools t at t ey are% colluding in murder% &ecause someone some* ere% al*ays $ee(s t e (a(er*or$. I o are they to &e deciding * o li'es and * o diesG / ey may @only@ &e colluding in it% as *it e'eryone else% &ut t ey@re t e ones * o decide * o@ll &e committed% drugged too% or incarcerated% along *it t e co(s. It5s social (syc iatrists t at designed t is (syc o(at ic system of genocide. 3 and t e &i$eLs t at are al*ays t ere * en t e &us comes% * et er in front or &e ind% or (assing. 3ne day% in /ollcross% I ad some time to $ill and needed a s(ot to t in$ too% so I com&ined it *it *aiting at a &us sto(. It amused me to &e still standing t ere * ile some &usy&ody &int on a &i$e *as t ere directly &e ind aLt e &us% or a &lo$e% a'ing gone in front. I can come out *it some ;uic$% 6ocular remar$% suc as: I t in$ you missed your connection% and not get on t at &us. I say t at ;uite often% &ecause t ey do lo'e t eir crisscrossing orsecra( intersecting, timing it% @sync ronising@ it so t at t ey cross eac ot er5s (at directly (arallel to * ere I am 7 usually on t e (a'ement of course% &ut it can a((en anytime. / ey do it ere% * en I@m lea'ing t e flat% *al$ing out t e close. I@'e ad a field day *it t em o'er t e (ast fe* days% o(ening and closing my front door and 'ariations t ereon. @3f course@% t e ot er day 7 &efore I forget 7 and sometime after standing at t e &us sto( moc$ing t em incident% I *as coming around &y t at *ay again 7 t is goes on from street to street I reiterate 7 6ust to see a traffic

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*arden coming do*n to*ard me from t e side street% tem(orarily distracting me from noticing t e &i$e coming to*ard me on t e (a'ement% t en% t ere e *as. I5d come (re(ared t oug , I ad my red nose% no* stuc$ on my middle+finger% for 6ust t is e'entuality% so I ga'e im t e finger% &ut *it a red (lastic clo*n nose on t e end of it% (rominently% * ile I grinned. Ce didn@t ac$no*ledge it. / ey5re 'ery good at t eir su(erior% = olier t an t ou5 (seudo+detac ment, t ey@re =detac ed5 in t e sense t e <a?is *ere detac ed. / ey@re not -udd ists. 2unny story: -udd ists caug t smo$ing% gam&ling and drin$ing in a otel recently. / e orror. "ny*ay% t ey5re ne'er amused. / e 6o$e al*ays as to &e on you. / ey s ould all &e *earing -ruce 2orsyt mas$s. 0ay&e I5ll do t at. I *as c ec$ing out t e mas$s ;uite recently * en I &oug t anot er 6o$e &i$e orn. I t in$ I mentioned it. /y(ically a &i$e in t e form of anot er &int came do*n 4ictoria Street% a stee( slo(e% soon after I came out of t e s o(. I *as (re(ared. Dou@d t in$ t ey@dLs e@d guess% *ouldn@t youG 3 and t e (ar$ing *ardens% t ere too% * en t e &us arri'es, t ey time it so t ey@re (arallel *it you 7 me in t is instance 7 * en I@m getting on it. If I a'e come ca(s left 7 mini+ ex(losi'es from t e no'eltyLtric$ s o(% I can toss one or t*o onto t e road 6ust &efore I get on t e &us, same *it &i$es. / e traffic *arden *as t ere as muc to *atc my reaction at t e stal$er on t e &i$e on t e (a'ement, t e co(s do t e same. / ere a'e &een t e smaller 'an+ty(e am&ulances@ too. "nd co( 'ans% cars etc. I@ll distinguis legitimate (olice from @co(s@ for t e sa$e of con'enience. / ey do t e &i$e s it as *ell. -ut mostly t ey@re t ere to *atc , and not 6ust *atc , it@s all an intentional (ro'ocation% and t ey@re t ere as @im(artial@ o&ser'ers% clearly in on it% to @(rotect@% inter'ene and arrest if I react. / ey $no* it@s arassment% stal$ing% (ro'ocation% relentless &adgering, t at@s * y t ey@re t ere, to add to it% and consolidate it * en I ma$e a mista$e% suc as @'er&ally a&use@ an innocent mem&er of t e (u&lic. 3r ta$e ( otos. / ey a'e it all figured out. I say somet ing any*ay% &ut it@s cra( if I a'en@t antici(ated it% am not (re(ared, t en I5m 6ust annoyed at myself later. 0y ego+self

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*ants to $ill t em of course. / at@s t e idea. / ey *ant to dri'e you to distraction. / ey5re out to $ill you. E'en $ee(ing u( *it it is im(ossi&le. It needn5t &e% &ut * o *ants to s(end all t eir time on itG Ie&sites% ot er targeted indi'iduals say you must *rite e'eryt ing do*n% ma$e detailed notes% of time and (lace, it@s all e'idence. I@m sure t ey@re rig t. -ut as distraction and se(arating you from your intuiti'e self is t e name of t e game% a'ing you focus all your attention outside yourself% do I really *ant to s(end t e rest of my time logging t is stuff as soon as I get a*ay from itG I@d ne'er get a &rea$. I could (ro&a&ly &e more conscientious a&out it% t at@s for sure% &ut as I say% I don5t *ant to &e too close u( to it, t at@s (art of t e (ro&lem% t eir 'ery strategy. / ey *ant it to &ecome your * ole *orld% and an increasingly truncating and truncated *orld. / ey *ant your mental and emotional ori?ons to diminis to not ing. 3ne could say t is is t e effect of any form of o((ression% of &ullying. I@m saying it@s met odical% t at t ey $no* exactly * at t ey@re doing. It@s also insane of course. I5m sure I5ll re(eat t is ;uite often. It isn5t li$e it@s all fit% ealt y% ro&ust cyclists, it@s e'ery&ody. It@s old (eo(le% cou(les% t e andica((ed, t e sync ronistic timing orses it, or orse(o*er in t eir case% timed *it my routine% $no*n locations% (remises I@m o&liged to fre;uent. -ut t e t oug t of t e young girl comes to mind% reminding me of some 6oggers too 7 * o timed it to &e t ere in one of t e o(enings of t e cordoned off road re(air sections on Princes Street. If t e idea is to (ro'o$e you &eyond endurance% try and get targets to lose it% setting t em u( for arrest and commitment as o&'iously @delusional@% * at are t ey doing (utting $ids in (otential% e'en (ro&a&le arms *ayG <ot in my case% &ut Q do t ey $no* me t at *ellG If t ey do% t en t at *ould im(ly t ere@s a nefarious agenda on t eir (art, t at all isn@t as it seems. If t ey don@t% t en it@s as o&'ious t ey don@t $no* * at t e ell t ey@re doing, t ey only t in$ t ey do. / e (eo(le t ey@re recruiting to do t is are e'en more stu(id due to a sort of in'erse nai'etT, t ey suffer as muc from a terminal sense of su(eriority% t at t ey@re all+(o*erful% for t ey@re all (rotected, t ey a'e all t ose &odies loo$ing after t em after all.

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"nd t at@s t e (ro&lem. / at5s t e insanity of it. It@s &ased% (redicated% on t e (erce(tion of ot ers% of myself as a &ody% alone% 'ulnera&le% @(o*erless@. I at t ey don@t ta$e into account 7 or more li$ely dismiss for t eir o*n (ur(oses% is t at I can ta$e exactly t e same 'ie*. If t e idea is t at e'er+accumulating% unrelenting (ro'ocation is intended to dri'e me to an intense rage out of frustration and a sense of el(lessness &ased on an a((arent &elief in my su((osed insta&ility and *ea$ness 7 arassment t at anyone *ould find difficult to co(e *it % t en it follo*s t at t e intention &e t at my &e a'iour &ecome increasingly un(redicta&le o'er time, so t at I scre* u(% as I say% @o'erreact@% to * at any o&ser'er * o sees it in isolation mig t see as an un&alanced% e'en =(syc otic5 reaction. / e 2laming .roo'ies. #uring * ic time% t ey recruit and utilise (eo(le of e'ery age * o% under t ese circumstances *ould% or could% &e dealing *it (syc ological and emotional factors t ey a'e no conce(tion of. In s ort% t ey@re (utting t em in (otential arm5s *ay *it little com(unction as to t eir safety. It isn@t irres(onsi&le, it@s insane, a reflection of t e callousness and indifference in'ol'ed to*ards t e 'ery (eo(le t ey claim to &e (rotecting% as most (eo(le come to learn% * o a'e any rationality or (syc ological discernment at all. / ese (eo(le are dangerous to*ards% and% to e'eryone. If you come to fat om t is situation% learn to co(e% (ic$ u( on its *ar(ed agenda% t en t ey@'e underestimated you. If you don@t $no* * at t e ell is going on% &ecome as confused and disorientated 7 and des(airing 7 as t ey intend% t ey@'e underestimated you% &ecause if t eir targets aren@t t in$ing rationality 7 or are as furious% as 'engeful+minded as t e instigators are, a 'irtual e(idemic of it 7 t en t ere are too many 'aria&les to ta$e into account, t ey can@t $no* for sure t at a target *ill turn t at frustration and anger on t emsel'es every time. /o re(eat% most of t em are suffering from a delusion of omni(otence% and% as I say% if you s ared t e same mindset as t em% t eir sense of su(eriority% of =untouc a&ility5% &ased on seeing you as a merely a &ody% a lone indi'idual% one could ta$e exactly t e same 'ie* and say you5re under t e delusion of a

11>

false (remise. EI don@t a'e to @get@ all of you% &y retaliating. I only need get one of you. "nd none of you *ill $no* * o t at@s going to &e.F Hi$e an unluc$y lottery. "gain% t e insanity is t ere in including relati'ely naU'e if (ro&a&ly 6ust as conceited% &rain*as ed younger 'ersions of t emsel'es. / e idea is t at it *or$s as a (ro6ection of t eir o*n guilt com(lex too% as *ell as a co'er for t e t*isted% u(side+do*n t oug t+system it mas$s% a sym&ol of @innocence@ utilised for t eir o*n (ur(oses% and t ey don@t care * o or * at ris$s t ey su&6ect t em too. / ey don@t 6ust &lend into t e foreground% t ey utilise ot ers to &lend into t e foreground for t em and do t eir dirty *or$ too. It@s all circular. #id I say t atG Ca. / is &rings to mind t e accounts I@'e read on t e $ids and older $ids% * o@'e committed t e mass murders% t e massacres% s ooting (eo(le u(. It@s documented t at some a'e claimed to a'e &een 'irtual targets% sa* t emsel'es as 'ictimised% &ullied% often &y multi(le (eo(le &efore t ey finally ex(loded. / ey5re in'aria&ly (ortrayed as (syc otic of course% *eird% un&alanced% and t is may *ell &e t e case in some instances% &ut I@'e got a (retty good idea o* t ese (eo(le are treated. #a'id Ic$e as long remar$ed on t is% t e callousness and insanity of (eo(le * o too$ t e 'ie* e *as mentally ill after t e early /4 and ne*s(a(er distortions. "s e as$ed is audiences at uni'ersities: If you do &elie'e I5m mentally ill% * at does your attitude and &e a'iour to*ards me say a&out youG / is is t e .S situation% t e =(rogram5 mindset in a nuts ell. It@s al*ays (resented 'ery sim(listically% dismissed as 6ust anot er as(ect of t e (erson@s (aranoia% and generally un&alanced state% if not long+term *eirdness% and cra?y. "nd doesn@t t e outcome (ro'e 6ust t atG "nd not ing else. It@s a (assi'e+ aggressi'e society% as many a'e (ointed out% a discriminating% (aranoid society. "nd no* it@s disa((earing u( its o*n arse and rig t out t e ot er side it@s so mixed u(. -ut consistent. It@s 'ery ade(t at (resenting t e face of innocence in t e (rocess of disguising its o*n let al aggression, a trut most (eo(le mig t not *ant to ear% &ut it@s t e (at ology of t e age. It is society t at@s suffering from t e mass (syc osis% t e glo&al% international (syc ological disorder. If t e goal is to torment% (unis % (ro'o$e

11B

a reaction% demoralise and destroy% t en t ey &ring it on t emsel'es. / ey@re t eir o*n *orst enemy. "nd all t e ignoramuses 6oin in% of e'ery age% (ersuasion and nationality% and * en or if t e s it its t e fan% as it ine'ita&ly *ill and does sometimes% and *ill in t e *ider sense% t e a((ointed s(o$es(eo(le *ill &e rig t t ere to dismiss it as an inex(lica&le =a&erration5% anot er tragic flas in t e (an% saying t ere *ere no *arning signals t at could a'e alerted anyone% no @danger signs@ t at *ere (ic$ed u( on to indicate suc a future catastro( e *as in t e offing. In t e meantime% t e P/- clam( do*n e'er arder on $ids too * ile increasing t eir draconian rules and interference in general% all t e * ile recruiting t e useful idiots in (seudo+scientifically designed (rograms of ex(ert indirect% snea$y aggression% intended to traumatise% demoralise and @nullify@% t e re(orts of * ic % t e =danger signs5% are of course% ignored% orLand ridiculed as =(aranoid delusions5% sc i?o( renia etc.% &y anyone in t e $no* and in a (osition to do anyt ing a&out it% or mig t &e. Instigated &y go'ernment% local aut orities% corru(t co(s% it &ecomes (ossi&le any 'ictims of t ese tragedies 7 and (er a(s e'en some useful idiots among t em no* 7 are seen as unfortunate =collateral damage5 in a larger% secret *ar. / at t ey died for a =good cause5, t e sa$e of t e country% t e community% and its =future5. I@m not saying t is is al*ays t e case% or e'en t e case in any instance. -ut e'ery targeted indi'idual% and e'ery multi+stal$er in general $no* o* *ides(read t is is% o* large it is% and o* organised it is 7 to &e idden, to &lend into t e foreground% of * at seem li$e daily e'ents 7 t at also 6ust so a((en to &e a (let ora of (otential almost collisions along *it t e constant% unrelenting interference in e'ery as(ect of t e (erson@s life. / at includes all t eir contacts% (otential contacts% and (ossi&ilities of friends i(s% relations i(s or ongoing ones. / ese (eo(le are unscru(ulous% 'icious% 'iolent+minded. / e tiresome as(ect is 6ust o* many (eo(le are *illing to gi'e u( t eir self+*ill and autonomy &ecause a sym&ol of aut ority as$s t em to. "nd don@t t ey $no* (assi'e% indirect% snea$y aggression as al*ays &een t e (ro'ince of t e terminally mediocreG It@s nosy landladies and

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t*itc ing curtains% (etty &ureaucracy, no* t e monster t at it is. "nd if t ese (syo(s 7 (syc ological *arfare tactics a'e &een used in sc ools% uni'ersities% to isolate% arass and &ully targeted indi'iduals% *it t e intention of confusing t em% disorientating t em (erce(tually% emotionally% *it t e goal of inducing ( o&ias% P/S#% so t at t e (erson isn5t ;uite sure * o@s in on it 7 along *it t e ones e or s e as no dou&t as to * o are (er(etrating t ese acts% it s ouldn@t &e too sur(rising t at * en t ey finally sna( as some a'e% a lot of innocent (eo(le a'e &een caug t in t e aftermat . 3ne ears all t e time of teac ers turning a &lind eye to * at goes on% e'en ta$ing (art in t e arassment. I ex(erienced it myself. Ia$e u( and smell t e coffee. 2or all my s yness I *as rarely t e most (redicta&le of targets of &ullying t oug . I et er as a @'ictim@% or t e 'ery rare (er(etrator% somet ing in me $ne* it *as *rong% existentially% ontologically. I rarely trusted (eo(le@s stories eit er% as to * y I s ould side *it t em against someone else. I really ad to $no* t em% trust t em% and not 6ust ta$e t eir *ord for it. -ut t ere *ere 'ery fe* instances of t is. I didn@t li$e or $no* many (eo(le li$e t is. I *as usually too &usy defending myself% or eating s it in one form or anot er. / e difficulty of t e (ro&lem also lies in (eo(le one trusts and as &een ood*in$ed &y, t at it *ould ne'er occur to you t at * en t ey say t is or t at (erson is sus(ect% it mig t ne'er occur to you it mig t &e a do*nrig t lie t ey in'ented. -ut t at5s a narcissist for you. It5s li$e a (ersonal &lind s(ot until one learns t e true nature of t ese (eo(le. "nd t e (syc o(at s of course. / e (ersons in a (osition of aut ority is a gi'en of course. / e narcissists lo'e t at. / in$ing a&out Ia(nic$% e *rites *it out it all a'ing to &e s(ecific at all% or e'en anecdotal% t oug e@s &ot % &ut in context. Ce@s t e master of a&straction% &ut more affecting% @(ersonal@ t an any anot er *riter in existence. 4ery muc li$e Jesus and "!I0 itself. I@'e little or no dou&t it5s t e Coly S(irit t at% as e said in re(ly to a ;uestion% is 'oice and t e CS5 is indistinguis a&le no* really ins(ires im. I &elie'e it. "nd it@s good to $no*, t at t ere@s

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someone li$e im @out t ere@, Heft to t e *orld and t ese and tric$sters% t in$ing t eirs is t e only (erce(tion t ere is% it really *ould &e a de(ressing state of affairs, to say t e least. / at@s t e intention on t eir (art of course, to induce des(air% as sense of o(elessness. I@d feel (retty o(eless too if I ad to s(end my days li$e t ey do, farting around% doomed relations i(s% inca(a&le of lo'e and $no*ing it. / e *orld &eing * at (eo(le &elie'e it is% it@s no *onder t ey all 6um( at t e c ance of re'enge on it. / at reminds me% I really must read a fe* more of 2acim@s ne*sletters. I ad a &rea$% if an unintentional one. / ere@s some lin$ to t e &at room% * ere someone listening can ear my mo'ements. It doesn5t matter o* long t e street *as ;uiet for% * en I go to t e loo% a car goes &y% or a (erson does. @/Is5 cotton on to t is of course. / e =(er(s5 aren@t too &ot ered, t ey $no* no one *ill &elie'e it any*ay. / ey forget t ere@s ne'er really &een any serious ;uestioning of my mental status% no (un intended, t oug t ey do *ant to &ring it a&out. It@s all in t eir ead. 0y sanity and sense and good umour is t ere for all to see. / ey &e a'e as if t e Internet didn@t exist of course, as if *e@re still li'ing in t e 1N>0s% 30s% 20s, as if 0ao and Stalin *ere still ongoing. /rust t e good community to mor( into t e (assi'e+aggressors% t e gaslig ters% t e cra?yma$ers I $ne* t ey al*ays *ere, t e terminally dissociated. / ey@'e al*ays &een suc im(ostors, t ey a'e no idea * o t ey are. Is t at so sur(risingG Hoo$ at t ese self+rig teous 6er$s in e'ery street no*. / e eartless% relentless common garden+'ariety socio(at s. I@'e $no*n t em, treac erous% self+centred% c ildis cra?yma$ers. / ey a'e no conce(tion of s(ecialness% t e ego. / ey don@t read, t ey ta$e t eir cues from eac ot er. I en t ey do read t ey in'ert its meaning to suit t emsel'es in tandem *it t e egomind. It@s all a *orld of (eo(le% of &odies. Ideas are irrele'ant% exce(t insofar as t ey are utilised for t eir acts. I@'e got &ored *it t e small+ mindedness of it all. Ine'ita&ly. It@s as re(etitious as t e =gs5 itself in a *ay. / ey reflects t at * ole *orldly mindset, t eir (erce(tual distortions or trying to create t em, sinful ad6ustments. / ey all do. / ey deser'e eac ot er of course. It@s due to t eir

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u&ris% t eir &lind conceit and t e co*ardice &e ind it% t e lac$ of com(assion t at I a'e little sym(at y for t em. !all it a lac$ of com(assion. Dea I a'e a lac$ of com(assion for t e lac$ I see in ot ers. " funny t ing% t at. / ey5'e ne'er learned t e .olden Rule. / ey5d ne'er a'e countenanced it erself. / ey need t eir &uddies, ot er &odies% to demonstrate o* @normal@ t ey are. It in'aria&ly turns into t is c ildis loo$ at us, loo$ at * at *e@'e got and you don@t. It@s ne'er com(lete in itself. It5s * at t ey t in$ ot ers are for and * at lo'e is. 0ay&e s(ecialness is an o&session *it me. -ut no% I5m correct+ to &e tired of t e c ildis ness. -odies are e'eryt ing to t ese (eo(le, ideas are irrele'ant. " (erson is a (erson is a (erson% and t at@s not to &e alone. -irds of a feat er. / ey@re on t e same le'el% (ractice t e same unconscious atred. I s ould feel sorry for t em. It5s a&out &aiting% a&out getting suc$ed into t eir sadistic little orse(lay% not genuine &anter% interaction, al*ays loo$ing for% (lotting re'enge. "s I said% I5m to see t e 6o$e * en t ey do it% &ut * en I do it Q t is $ind of arrogance is (retty insuffera&le. / ey (retend t eir res(onse is a 6o$e% &ut it@s t e nastiest of t e nasty. It@s al*ays &een t ere. I o needs itG -ut I su((ose I a'e to face u( to t e fact t ey5re fearful (eo(le. "ll almost o(elessly in t rall to t e ego% enmes ed *it in its confines, too muc of it on any le'el and I feel myself coming to detest t em. Peo(le (oisoning as !I *ould call it. 3ne could as easily call it a lac$ of tolerance. Ce *as al*ays good at coming u( at t ese cle'er little 6ustifications% t e (erfect a( orism. It@s ;uite 6udgemental t ing to say if you t in$ a&out it. Ce@s saying t at (eo(le are (oisonous% or can &e. I tend to agree. -ut t is is also * at t ey &elie'e a&out t emsel'es, *e all do. So is o&ser'ation is a mite su(erficial. -ut * o can &lame imG /ri'iality is t e 3utsider5s *orst enemy e said. / is situation no*% o'erall% t e * ole =gs5 stal$ing+ t is is as c ildis % as tri'ial+ minded as it gets. It *as al*ays a&out murder of course, it al*ays as &een. I $ne* t at &y t e time I *as t*enty+se'en% * en I cottoned on t at t e ex% ot ers% *ere literally insane. 3nce I $ne* it% it *as (erfectly o&'ious. I could almost *onder * y I ne'er sa* it &efore. I did% &ut it *as ne'er clearer as * en I $ne* s e

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too$ out er frustrations% er unconscious atred% er s(ecialness on er o*n offs(ring. / at s e *as slyly% silently% snea$ily destroying t em% emotionally% indirectly% (assi'e+aggressi'ely. It@s * at t e cra?yma$ers do. / e =gs5% t e minions% t e good community stal$ers% arassers% emotional torturers are t e same. / ey feel t ey can do it *it im(unity &ecause t ey a'e t e full (o*er of t eir self+rig teousness &e ind it% not to mention t e community% t e (olice% t e city council and go'ernment. / ey t in$ t ey a'e me on so many le'els. / e economic situation alone *ould &e enoug for t ese *ar(ed% ignorant fuc$ers to see it as 6ustifying a sentence of deat &y slo* $ill torture. Hoo$ing for (eo(le to &lame for t eir concern o'er t eir li'eli ood% t eir families% t eir $ids% and e'eryt ing t at encom(asses. / at5s * y t ey@re so merciless% a((y to go along *it t e unrelenting arassment. It@s t e (erfect foil for t e (ro6ection of t eir unconscious guilt. / e same dissociation t ey (ractice on t eir $ids% causing t em to dissociate in turn. / ey (ractice t e same on t eir less sussed &eaus and galfriends. Ie all $no* t e co(s are t e *ife &eaters, t e go'ernments are t e &ig time a&users% drug+dealers% deat +dealers. / at t eir (at ology% t eir y(ocrisy is ;uite &reat ta$ing. I sa* it in t e @ex@ + t e talent for &lending into t e foreground% (laying t e res(onsi&le mot er * ile in t e (rocess of destroying t em emotionally. S e $ne* * at s e *as doing, s e laug ed a&out it. It@s difficult to fat om, dissem&ling al*ays is. Ie all ma$e mista$es. -ut to laug in t e face of it% in t e face of t e (eo(le you &elie'e can@t do anyt ing a&out it% t e only ones t at see it% and find it immensely amusing for t at reason Q It doesn@t exactly indicate a crisis of conscience, more an indication of an actLor% a s(lit (ersonality of sorts% dissociation, socio(at y. Someone * o not only as no intention of correcting t e &e a'iour% &ut *allo*s in t e mindset% t e sense of su(eriority% t e u&ris t at it stems from. "nd (utting one o'er on t e *orld. / is is * o t ey &elie'e t ey are. -ut it@s t e dissociati'e as(ect t at5s so difficult to fat om. It@s clearly some $ind of com(ulsion. / e acti'ity during * ic t ey most feel li$e =t emsel'es5, murder. It5s re'enge on t e (ast% on t e *orld% on .od. / at as(ect is unconscious. Some

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e'en claim to &e or &elie'e t ey@re doing @.od@s@ *or$. / e cra?iness% t e insanity is in t e dissociation, t e mixed u( emotions% * ere t ey a((arently ex(erience lo'e * en ex(ressing atred and atred * en t ey &elie'e t ey@re ex(ressing lo'e, t eir emotions t e o((osite of * at t ey &elie'e and ex(erience t em to &e. Same t ing, I t in$ t at@s t e general idea. So% as al*ays% t ey do it *it t e clearest conscience. So * y do t ey $ee( it idden if t ey &elie'e it@s rig tG In t eir eart of earts if t ey a'e one% t ey $no* it isn@t. -ut t ey *ant re'enge. / ey $no* most (eo(le *on5t agree *it it. 3r t ey5re not interested in a second o(inion t at mig t reflect &adly on t em% * ere t ey mig t a'e to curtail t e &e a'iour. / ey $no* t at on some le'el% * ate'er t ey &elie'e+ or are told a&out someone% t ey $no* t ey@re y(ocrites. It@s as muc a&out grou(t in$% mo&t in$. If t e leader is seen as legitimate% in an aut oritati'e (osition% t en t ere must &e somet ing to it% @no smo$e *it out fire.@ / at doesn@t excuse t eir o*n &e a'iour% t e crimes t ey@re co'ering u( for% ena&ling. " (art of t em $no*s it@s an act% along *it t e rest. / e *ord is =collusion5. Co* does anyone collude in somet ing t ey@re su((osedly dissociated fromL a'e no conscious a*areness ofG I at a&out t e doctors foisting t e (illsLdrugs% t e 'accines% on $ids due to t e $ic$&ac$s t ey get from t e ( armaceuticalsG 3 it5s not for t at% it@s 6ust &usinessG @<ot ing (ersonal@% li$e sex traffic$ing. "ll of t ese (eo(le% t e @do+gooders@% t e moralists% are t e *orst of all, t at@s * at ma$es t em so dangerous, t roug denial and (ro6ection of t e &elief in t eir o*n sin t ey see in e'eryone else. Pretext is all t e excuse t ey need for collusion% and to indulge in collusion. It5s dangerous% *ar(ed% &ecause t ey re'el in t eir (at ology% t eir cle'erness% t eir u&ris% laug ing at t eir ingenuity% t e t oug t t ey@ll ne'er &e detected. / at@s * at ma$es t em so detesta&le. "nd t is is t e (ro&lem of society rig t no*, t at e'ery industrialised nation indulges in t is, t at t e country is in t e ands of t e insane% t e dissociated% t e cra?yma$ers% t e terminally self+rig teous. Emotionally immature doesn@t &egin to descri&e it. / ese (eo(le are =monsters5. -ut it5s t e (rogram% t e system. It@s t e mundanity of e'il. ="ll t e orror is in t at t ere

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is no orror%5 as a (syc iatrist said 8:uoted in t e c a(ter Psyc o(at s in Jan )ennedy5s Sex% Pleasure% and Po*er. I read most of t e &oo$ &ac$ in 1NN0 or so9. Hennon *as correct all along. It@s a (aradox% an intensely frustrating% (otentially demoralising situation% &ut t ere are *ays% I@m sure. "nd if t ere@s not% so &e it. -ut I *on@t fall into t e tra( of (assi'ity% inaction, t at@s * at t ey *ant. Iriting itself is t e means to ne'er succum& to t at confidence tric$. I did% ideally% *ant it as a form of action in itself, t e ultimate creati'e focus and outlet. -ut t ere@s t e in erent (aradox in t e situation. / e only *ay to see it clearly is to see t e innocence in ot ers as muc as in myself of course. 2orgi'eness is al*ays t e ans*er. 1nforgi'eness is al*ays t e (ro&lem, and t e &elief t ere@s a (ro&lem. / is ex(lains * y sometimes * en I go out% I5m in a lig ter state of mind. / at I@'e finally realised t is is t e ans*er, t at it@s finally @sun$ in@, only to forget it as ;uic$ly% getting caug t u( in externals% t e aggra'ation% as t ey intend. / ey see forgi'eness as o(tional. / ey a'e no idea * at it means in any case% e'en if t ey tried. Iit out me% us% t e targets% t ey@d &e doomed. -ut so *ould *e &e% as *e5d ne'er recognise our o*n (ro6ections, t ey5re t e means to see t em% e'en if *e5re not * olly res(onsi&le for t eir &e a'iour. / at@s t e irony% t e =real5 (aradox. So re'enge in (ersonal terms is (ointless. / e only *ort * ile goal is success. E'en t en% Ia(nic$ *ould say t at doesn@t matter. / at t e im(ortant t ing is to a'e done t e &est you can. Ce also (oints out t at *anting success in *orldly terms can &e 6ust anot er form of unforgi'eness. Iell of course it can &e. It@s to ma$e t e *orld and its errors real. -ut (o'erty% no&odyism% *on@t do anyone any good at all. "ll that does or *ould do is confirm t e (re6udices% (reconce(tions of t e narcissists% and e'en ot ers% * o don@t $no* any &etter. -etter to &e seen as an undenia&le% incontro'erti&ly gifted indi'idual t an a =no&ody5 * om ot ers are left &eing none t e *iser a&out% as *ell as easier to (ro6ect t eir o*n s ortcomings on to. Some&odyism it is. / ere@s no ot er ade;uate ans*er. I ad a flas of insig t% of ins(iration * ile *riting. / at t is situation% t e =gs5% t e cons(iracy% t e genocide% is @* ere it@s at@%

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* at it@s all a&out. / at it@s im(ortant to get t is out. / ere5s only one *ay to do t is, calmly% *it forgi'eness. Ia(nic$ $no*s t e score% o* it *or$s. It@s as im(ortant to &e artistic% =(roducti'e5. It@s t e ideal strategy. So what if I get t is endless -S. / ese (eo(le% as &odies% se(arate% seeing t emsel'es as t at *ay% create 0% contri&ute to 0% exce(t c aos% dis armony. -ut more s(ecifically% t ey (roduce 0 t at isn@t of t e ego. It5s ingenuity at &est. #ronesG / ey@re malfunctioning% 6ust as / ey *ill. I needn@t *aste my time or t e ris$ of my freedom on t em% suc as it is% &ut im(ortant. "ll my efforts *ill &e focused on * at t e *orld sees. "s is t ere5s% &ut it5s a croc$% a front% a scam. / eirs is focused on iding. It may &e in (lain sig t% &ut it@s iding all t e same. / at@s a furt er (aradox, creati'ity% e'en in t e *orld5s terms *ants to &e as uni'ersal as (ossi&le% * ere t eirs is Q in isolation% o*e'er muc it is in tandem *it ot ers% and o*e'er many. / ey@'e 0 to s o* for it% and a'e to $ee( re(eating it in t e same isolation for it to a'e any im(act. <or is it truly glo&al. It@s localised% as (ro'incial as t eir outloo$. "nd all focused on one (erson, me 7 lots of @me@s@% &ut one (erson all t e same. It@s insane. It goes no* ere. / ey@ll a'e 0 to s o* for it &ut deat . / ey see t at as a (lus. 3r someone does and t ey go along *it it% seeing t at as t e &iggest% most im(ortant ac ie'ement of all. I at could &e more im(ortant% more ex ilarating t an unting uman gameG "nd =neutralising@ it% destroying it. I al*ays $ne* t e a'erage 6er$ *as little &etter t an a serial $iller in outloo$% in emotions. I find myself detesting t em as muc as t ey seem to detest me. / at@s (ro&a&ly * y I co(e &etter no*. #emoralisation stems from going along *it t e ego@s confidence tric$s% seeing yourself in t e same *ay% in t e same terms. / e ego gets e'ery&ody% as Ia(nic$ said. <ot me, not if I can el( it. I a'e an ad'antage in t at @staying in@ is exactly * at I (refer% * at I need% at least in terms of creati'ity% in t at I5m not de(endent on% reliant on going to a 6o& e'eryday% and o* it *ould &e *it a 6o&. / ey@d *ant to interfere *it e'ery as(ect. -ut I@ll find a *ay to circum'ent t at. I5ll also get myself into different li'ing circumstances. I@m done *it t is s it ere. I5ll get no* ere. / ey laug at a'ing me entra((ed in t is matrix% &elie'ing t ey

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a'e me rig t * ere t ey *ant me. -ut t at@s also * y it@s so effecti'e to catc t em out% record it. It *or$s in my fa'our too% if I@ll ta$e ad'antage of it. I need to get out and a&out% meet (eo(le% do a com(uter courseLs again% learn o* to u(load% ot er t ings% as *ell as $no* more (eo(le, it can &e useful. / ey 7 t e =gs5% t e matrix% is all a&out isolating targets% inducing a sense of o(elessness% of a(at y% t en demoralisation, lac$ of t e *ill to li'e. / at@s * y I detest t em and anyone * o 6oins in *it t is. I see it for * at it is. I (aint 7 and dra* 7 li$e no&ody5s &usiness. I@m going to &e =creati'ity5 (ersonified, get u( earlier and do it% as intended. I@m going to &e li$e !I and -rian Eno com&ined. I@ll get t e (ainting done &efore I go out% do some (ractice in t e daytime% from noon. Ior$ing on t e com(uter% emailing% u(loading 6(gs. "nd com&ine it *it going (laces% to see a film% *riters grou(s% meet some useful (eo(le% nutter?% get laid too. 2uc$ t e (etty interferers% t e clones% t e minions. / ey@re inconse;uential, conceited t*ats on &i$es, fools. "s im(ortant as t ey see t e need to get rid of me% I5ll demonstrate I@m one of t e most essential indi'iduals around. "ll t e more reason to $ill me. I could go on. 0ust go out. Cunger calls. "nd t e s o(s *ill &e s ut soon. /en (ages. .ood god.

12>

%ri&"at 'une I@m li'ing on t e s$in of my teet % as usual. !utting it too close, e'ery * ic *ay. / ere@s a 'ery real (ossi&ility t is could all end% finally. #rones in t e s$y 7 (olice elico(ters in t is case% endless arassmentLstal$ing% sur'eillance, and literally stealing my stuff, (aintings% *riting, an account I did in long and * en my com(uter (ac$ed u(. / ey (lease t emsel'es. "nd cameras of course. I $inda $ne* all t is *as coming. It *as already ere% *ay &ac$ in t e early 2000s. =.ang stal$ing5 as al*ays &een around it seems% in one form or anot er. "s !I *ould say it@s tri'ial, essentially tri'ial% as narcissists are. / e !ourse ma$es clear t e murderous intention &e ind it all% and as it@s al*ays &een. 0urder as al*ays come naturally to t e good community fol$ it seems. I find myself getting suc$ed in% 6udging t em, it seems ine'ita&le. / ey $ee( doing s itty% myo(ic% 'icious+ minded stuff. I detest t eir com(lacency% t eir conceit. / ey truly are fools% t eir o*n *orst enemy. I@m not really t e losing t e (lot =lone+s ooter5% mass murder ty(e. I a'e a literary (resent and future. I a'e (lans for myself, goals and am&itions still. I al*ays ad. !riminals don@t seriously contem(late suc t ings. It@s an alarming as(ect in t at some of t ese (eo(le mig t not a'e muc else going for t em in t eir li'es, t at t is is t eir li'es. Cunting umans. / eir raison detre. I (icture myself (ointing a fa$e if con'incing gun in t e face of * ate'er smartarse is lying in *ait around eac corner to startle me, t e 6oggers and &i$esters. Co* could t ey ;uestion itG / ey@d $no* t e reason. / ey5d gaslig t to t e end. .aslig ting is t e name of t e game. It5s a glo&al collusion. /ry ;uestioning t e official accounts% 6oining t e dots. I@d &een t in$ing of (utting t e *ind u( t em. Someone said some* ere 7 on t e net 7 t at a targetL5/I5% a &lo$e% in t e States% sto((ed t e =gang stal$ing5 murderous arassment &y &uying a gun. S e (ut it &etter. Ce *ent out and &oug t a gun, t at (ut an end to it. / at@s t e t ing a&out t e 1S. !iti?ens can &uy guns. 3r could. Dou a'e to *onder * y t ere@s any .S -S at all. "ll t ey need is a licence of course. -ut if your target% your intended 'ictimL(atsy% as a gun% *ell t ere@s al*ays t e c ance% e'en t e

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t oug t% t at e mig t finally lose t e (lot% considering t at5s t e intention. Dou see t e contradictionG Sim(le% * en you ac$no*ledge t ere5s a (ro&lem. )ee(ing it idden is t e decision to *ar in secret% as *ell as to $ee( it. .uns aren@t so easily a'aila&le ere 7 t oug t ey@re around. / in$ing a&out it t oug % t ese (eo(le seem to a'e no scru(les. / ey don@t a'e to tell e'eryone * at t e situation is. / ey a'e $ids in'ol'ed in t is cra(. So e'en if you did li'e in t e States% are you going to &lo* a*ay a $id or a &unc of $ids in retaliationG / e assum(tion is t ey *ouldn@t use t em of course. I@'e found t roug my ex(erience in general% es(ecially t e &ugged flatLstair or door situation t at t ey carry on in any case. 0eaning t ey let ot ers carry on% * ate'er a *aste of time it mig t &e for many of t em. I catc t em out all t e time. I e'en ruin t eir = arassment (rotocol5. / e ea'esdro((er can only alert t em so many times &efore feeling foolis andLor t e rest get (issed off at im, or er. -ut t at5s sol'ed &y not letting on a&out it, t at I $no*, t ey $ee( t e ne*&ies out of t e loo( so to say. "nd ot ers 6ust get more determined. / e usual 'icious circle. / ey 6ust (ile on more &odies of course+ t ro* &odies at you. / ey &elie'e t ey can grind you do*n% stom( you into t e dust &y s eer num&ers. It@s all a&out condemnation% atred% murder. / at@s t e goal. It@s al*ays insane. <ot e'eryone is going to react t e same *ay. <ot e'eryone is going to ta$e it lying do*n% as t ey say% &e a *al$o'er. <ot e'eryone can &e (redicta&le. They are% in t eir illogicality. / ey mig t ta$e t e 'ie* t at it@s all idden% t at no one *ill figure it out, &ut only one of us needs to Q $no* * at@s going on, * at it@s a&out. I could ta$e it from t ere if I *anted to. / eir 'ie* is t at it@s ex(ert gaslig ting, t e goal is to disorientate% confuse% demoralise. -ut * at if t e target is (erfectly lucid% clear as to * at@s going on% and $no*s t at it *ill ne'er sto(G -ecause They see no reason to. "s I said% it *or$s on t e &asis of a 'irtual cons(iracy, t at one is inextrica&ly enmes ed in guilt. -ut I also feel t at it@s all =grist for t e mill5. I may as *ell use it to my ad'antage, use it as art or a 'ocation of sorts e'en. It does seem to &e t eirs. I see o* = a((y5 it ma$es t em% o* t ey relis it. / ey@re almost

12K

c ortling *it glee. "nd if it doesn@t *or$ out% so * atG / e *riting *ill (ro&a&ly sur'i'e. It s ould if I get it online. Some (eo(le *ill a'e co(ies e'en if it5s remo'ed% sa&otaged. It@s good to ma$e a decision. I li$ed t e idea of $ee(ing it se(arate% li$e t is% &ut t eir com(lacency% t eir meanness as al*ays (issed me off. It@s difficult to (ut into *ords. / ese (eo(le and t eir actions% t eir attitudes% are re(ellent. It@s t e co*ardice in'ol'ed in it, not 6ust t e deceit% &ut also t e self+deceit. It@s anti+life. / ese (eo(le% t eir attitudes are a cancer. I@'e al*ays a& orred self+rig teous =do+gooders5, al*ays sensed t e y(ocrisy in'ol'ed. / ey5'e &een 'ictims of t e same cra(% t e same (rocess% of dissociation t emsel'es. / eir minds are s(lit% often * en t ey *ere still young% &y t e 'ery same *ar(ed% stunted minds t ey t emsel'es a'e gro*n u( to &e and mimic. / e rest are 6ust su(erficial% s ee(. / ey@ll follo* * oe'er is in c arge. / ey@re all s(lit+ minded% so * at@s t e differenceG / ey5re all ri'eted to t e seeming reality of t e *orld. Just reflections of t eir en'ironment% as !I *ould say. I detest syco( ants% toadies% snea$s% cads% oi$s% snitc es. / e former teac ers (ets% t e tattle+ tales on t eir &rot ers and sisters. "ny*ay% yea ... 2or% as t ey *atc my e'ery mo'e% t ey can see me c ec$ing out gun s o(s% &uying .uns and "mmo mags. Ca% I forgot all a&out t at. Just an idea. I don5t of course. / is *ould 6ust get me em&roiled in t e =to &e seen as more of a (otential terrorist5 mind+set. <ot &y t em really% &ut it@s all (art of t e set+u(% t e aim, o* t e corru(t aut orities *ould (ortray it. 3r t e misinformed. -ut * at t e ell. It mig t do some good to a'e t em &e ner'ous. / ey@re arrogant &ra?en fuc$*its as it is no*. I can@t 'ery *ell &uy a toy gun can I% a fa$e gun% o*e'er realisticG / ey@d see * ere I got it. I5d need to go for aut enticity% as if I *ere genuinely going t roug t e motions. -ut not enoug to get myself into any $ind of trou&le% needless to say. / en I can get gunned do*n *it toy &ullets. I@'e c anged my mind. I need to focus on art% on craftsmans i(% (roduction, do * at / ey can@t do, and t ey. I al*ays $ne* I *as on a ig er le'el% lol.

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tt(:LL***.sott.netLarticlesLs o*L24B>1M+! aracteristics+of+ Psyc o(at s+Iatc +3ut+2or+/ ese+Red+2lags -edtime. I lost some *riting 6ust earlierO 4ery frustrating and too &oring to descri&e% &ut I need to &e less im(ulsi'e.

Monday -ut yes% t ere@s a lot to &e said for telling it as one sees it. " matter of seeing t e o'erall (icture as &est one can. / e Internet is c anging (eo(le@s li'es and consciousness5. Cell% I could *rite a comedy routine% ta$e it on t e road. / at *ouldn5t &e too muc *or$. I@d lo'e it 7 if I didn@t a'e so muc contem(t for (eo(le and t eir tri'ial (reoccu(ations, if it *eren@t for t at I couldn@t tal$ a&out * at I *ant. I couldn@t (icture &eing funny all t e time t oug . 3r getting laid into (eo(le ec$ling me, I could (icture t at. It *ould suit t e as(ect of my more aggressi'e side. -ut it *ould still &e a =lo*er self5 me. Iriting is more suita&le &ecause I can say * at I li$e% co'er as muc ground as I li$e I mean. -ut t ere are also (eo(le li$e Ro&ert "nton Iilson * o did a form of stand+u(. Ce *asn@t a comedian% &ut e could &e (retty funny. / is meant e didn@t need (unc lines all t e time. Ce could ma$e is usual ;uir$y% often (retty su(er+intelligent o&ser'ations. I s ould listen to im again. I@'e s(ent more time reading im. -ut I could &e t e same. Just &e my amusing% o&ser'ational self. It *as good enoug for im, it can &e good enoug for lesser mortals. Co* I@d a'e lo'ed it. / ere are so many &ores out t ere. Some great stuff too. In a *ay t oug % it ne'er seemed real to me. "nd all too real. Ric$ 0ayall in front of a &ig cro*d at t e "ssem&ly Rooms &ac$ in =M2 or =M3. It *as incredi&le. Cis act *as essentially inconse;uential, &ut 'ery funny. So yea % I@d rat er *rite a&out serious stuff. -ut &e funny too. I feel I@m more !olin Iilson t an )en #odd. "nd comedians don@t a'e mystical ex(eriences t at I $no* of. / ey tend not &elie'e in .od. / ey@re s ortsig ted &oors% s$e(tics, most of t em. I@d get tired of t at. I

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(refer a larger can'as and more o(en minds. I *as going to try stories &efore, so t at e'eryt ing doesn@t a'e to feel li$e a ma6or underta$ing. I tend to drift into (ure auto&iogra( y from long a&it. I s ould gi'e myself t e freedom of in'ention. Hots of story ideas a'e come to me &efore% interesting scenarios. I s ould read some more P)#. I could gi'e t em my o*n more @mature@ (syc ological s(in. -ased on my reading of t e !ourse. / ere@s s ort stories &y Ray -rad&ury 7 * o died 'ery recently 7 and P)# of course, I@m is age no*, t e age e died I mean. / ere@s R!I 7 Ro&ert ! arles Iilson, I@'e &een tal$ing a&out im for years. Cis stories are (retty su&lime. / ere are (eo(le I start to read and forget a&out% suc as .reg Egan, t e first story in a collection *as a&out a murderer, it *as all 'ery meta( ysical% cle'er stuff% &ut I@'e long forgotten it. / ere@s "lan Iatson5s / e 4ery Slo* /ime 0ac ine etc. Ce@s *ay cle'er. / ere@s Ro&ert S ec$ley. I didn@t get around to reading any at all. 2ran$ -ro*n% * o *as great, earlier S2. I@'e rarely read any of P)#@s stories. I did read 0inority Re(ort. Ce *rote it * en e *as t*enty+eig t. It@s cle'er as ell. I did some 'ignettes &efore% come to t in$ on it% (osted t em on Scri&d. I *asn@t too (leased *it t em% as t ey felt so muc &ased on factual e'ents 7 in t e dream% &ut at least it *asn@t al*ays a&out me. 3ne focused on t e .erman serial $iller Peter )urten from earlier last century% and anot er on Cenry 0iller. / e latter *as &ased on t e s ort film of im s o*n on S$y "rts. So I (ut it to some use, I didn@t do muc *it it t oug , &ut some interesting ideas% as I recall. / e )urten *as a s ort (syc ological ex(loration. I s ould continue it% ex(and on it, I@d intended to. I@d also (ut toget er some auto&iogra( ical ideas in a fictional% s(eculati'e *ay. It *as (retty (o*erful% (retty good. I e'en de'elo(ed a $nac$ of recalling c ild ood incidents t e same *ay. I t in$ storytelling a&ilities *ere coming to t e fore. I@d forgotten a&out t is. I usually ad an idea * ere I *as going *it it% im(ro'ising along t e *ay. -ut I do li$e t e idea of tac$ling s orter% imaginati'e t emes. "s imaginati'ely as I can. 0ay&e )urten ta$es a tri( to outer s(ace. Peter /a$es a /ri(. I *as really en6oying some of t e

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*riting on c ild ood. I didn@t (ost it all on Scri&d eit er% come to t in$ on it, sent some to friends% lost some of it as usual. If I sent it to t em I s ould still a'e it, I couldn@t find it &efore. "ny*ay% t ey don@t a'e to &e s ort eit er% * ate'er I come u( *it . I forgot a&out Ste( en )ing. Cis are usually excellent. 1sually. I read ;uite a num&er. I didn@t li$e t em all% &ut some of t em *ere fa&ulous% mo'ing, (retty &rilliant. "s *ere R!I@s% as I say, t oug I@'e often felt t ere5s somet ing missing. It@s difficult to say * at it mig t &e. I mig t find t at out in t e *riting of my o*n. / e (ositi'e as(ect of *riting s orter (ieces again could &e t at it *ould &e easier to s(end time (olis ing t em% *it out getting &ogged do*n in some undreds of (ages of *riting. / e t oug t of going t roug it all% all t ose re*rites of sections * en I &arely $no* * at I@m doing in t e first (lace. Iriting% =creati'ity5 of any $ind is incredi&le, a'ing finis ed *riting% a story% no'el% or a (ainting% a dra*ing% from a &lan$ s eet of (a(er. Same *it singing% or telling 6o$es% orQ *riting and (laying music. It comes do*n to self+disci(line, and ma$ing a decision. I@m ;uite excited &y t is already. I li$e to (aint% =e'en5 (lay music. -ut not ing seems to &eat *riting for me. It@s t e =ultimate5 in self+ex(ression. It@s t e most s(ecific. 0usic mig t &e more satisfying in its a&stractness. I t oug t e same a&out (ainting% &ut it *asn@t to &e. I@'e done some good a&stracts &ut I get resti'e after a * ile. It &egins to feel a &it meaningless% t oug t at may &e * en I s(end too muc time on t em. It@s all @me@, I s ould &e reasona&ly a((y *it t at. / en I *ant to get &ac$ to landsca(es again, anyt ing t at feels li$e a real su&6ect% a @real@ (ainting. I used to $ill myself in my t*enties% as in *ear myself out. I@d *or$ all nig t% (ainting etc. I *anted t e cas . / e t oug t of it ga'e me a feeling of freedom, t at if I ad money% I@d &e =free5. -ut money isn5t e'eryt ing% and it ne'er *as. 2reedom from guilt is &etter. / e *orld cons(ires to s*am( us in it% &loc$ing us off at e'ery turn. -ut it needn@t ;uite &e li$e t at at all. I@m not reliant on getting a standard sla'e 6o&% * ere I can &e regularly arassed% my mo'ements and routine% (redicta&le. I@'e ad an income &efore t roug all t is cra(% t oug it@s ne'er ;uite &een li$e t is.

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-ut it5s as muc due to my o*n (ro'ocations. / at@s anot er goal as I say, to get t e ell out. It *on@t &e so sim(le. -ut staying ere is no good at all. I@m relocating. 2uc$ t e concrete. / is means I need money. Ie al*ays need money. -ut it5s &etter to get on *it somet ing consistently% t an turn it into an ordeal. I feel li$e t at already. Painting% es(ecially organising (rints% cutting mounts etc% going out and selling% feels li$e *or$% a c ore. <ot ;uite * at I *ant to do% e'en t oug it@s all a&out =me5. It@s a matter of * at interests me t e most. I ene'er I as$ * at it is I s ould do% t at@s t e ans*er. I li$e to =sol'e5 t ings, t e a((arent (ro&lems of t e *orld. E'en * en I felt I ad to do music I could ne'er get a*ay from reading. "s muc as I lo'ed it% a &igger can'as felt more li$e me. -o*ie and is music felt more li$e me% &ut it *as all tied u( *it is lifestyle% t e t oug t of fame% ric es% tra'el% lo'eLsex% esca(e. -ut not enoug for me to do it. I felt I ad to sol'e t e (ro&lems rig t in front of me. / ey *ere irresol'a&le. / ey@re irresol'a&le no*. / ey@re only a continuation of t e (re'ious situation. I@'e no interest in t at. It@s all a guilt tra(. It goes no* ere. Det Q It@s (ossi&le to *rite a&out it. It@s certainly (ossi&le to (ic$ u( on t e (atterns of madness% t e insanity. / e t ings I couldn5t understand &efore. I can@t do anyt ing a&out itG I can inter(ret it. I can *rite a&out it. I can &e =(roducti'e5% (rolific e'en. It@s all a matter of inter(retation. "nd I@'e no intention of tal$ing to t e guilt mongers a&out it% * o *ill distort it% use it for t eir o*n (ur(oses. I y *ould I trust t emG 2uc$ t em. It@s 6ust more sur'eillance% more entra(ment, t ey@ll use t e info for set+u(s. 2uc$ t at. I do a'e a (oint in loo$ing for ot er angles *it *riting% of seeing e'eryt ing else as an irrele'ance% &ut no one said I a'e to do art full+time. Just a fe* ours a day. I@ll en6oy t at any*ay. I@ll en6oy it a lot more t an t e t oug t of a'ing to (ut *riting on t e &ac$ &urner as usual * en I do it. I *ould really li$e to *rite now+ tomorro*, &egin a story% for instance. -ut I a'e o&ligations I can@t get around% if I a'en@t scre*ed t em u( as it is. It mig t &e

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(ossi&le to sal'age it. I@'e got t ree days. It could &e fine if I *or$ for t ree days.

Wednesday I a'en@t got lots of money for materials t oug . I 6ust go t roug it. 2ood% mags% a fe* &oo$s% mainly c ea(% it *ouldn@t a'e made any difference any*ay. I@m t ro*n &ac$ on t e notion of *riting. It *as al*ays t e &est o(tion% a(art from sending art to galleries etc. / e t ing a&out (ainting at a moderate (ace is I@ll go

133

t roug fe*er materials. I forgot a&out t at% o&'ious as it mig t sound. In s ort% I (ro&a&ly couldn@t afford to (aint a (icture e'ery day in any case. / at means I can 6ust =coast5 along% *or$ing a*ay consistently, once I get going. If I don@t end u( in a 2E0" cam( or 6ail or t e loony &in. I feel I mig t &e set u( for t e $ill. I@ll $ee( t at in mind. I@m glad I@'e ad t at t oug t% alarming as it is. -etter safe t an stu(id. / e same old cra( still goes on of course. / e notion of (laying t e game *it t ese (eo(le% all 6ust factions of t e same -S% t e same gaslig ting% is ludicrous. Ie li'e in a gaslig ting% narcissistic *ord, your *orld isn@t *or$ing, it@s fuc$ed. !an@t you see t atG Dour minions are morons. Dou@re a moron too% if a cle'er one. Dou5re out of touc *it Reality and your Self. I don@t gi'e a toss a&out your o(inion% or o* you t in$ *e s ould =a((roac 5 t e (ro&lem. / e (ro&lem is you% as it al*ays as &een. Pretty good. "lmost &etter t an anyt ing I can care to t in$ u(. / at@s t e (ro&lem *it fiction. I al*ays feel I@m &eating around t e &us . E'en if t e *orld is a fiction. / e -S needs to &e &roug t to t e surface% to &e seen clearly% for * at it is. <ot in t e sense t at t ey *ould, to (ro6ect it and $ee( it &y seeing it in ot ers. 2uc$ t eir mind games% t eir cle'er clogs cra?yma$ing -S% / eir *ar(ed set+u(s. "nd going along *it t is orses it% t is time *asting cra(. I@'e too muc to &e getting on *it . /urning u( t ere to $ee( t ose useless time+*asting fuc$ers in a 6o&. Hi$e t ey $no* * at@s going on. "ll t ey $no* is t eir o*n side, t at@s all t ey5re interested in. anyt ing t ey mig t *ant to $no* can &e t*isted to suit t eir o*n (ur(oses. 2uc$ t at. E'eryt ing is set+u( to loc$ you into t e (ast and guilt. / ey don5t a'e any guilt of course. / ey@re t e good% nice (eo(le, (ristine% s(otless% (rotecting e'eryone else% 0ay&e t ey really don@t $no* * at@s going on. It@s orses it. / e (eo(le t ey re(ort to% @do@. If t ey@re not in on it% t en t eir su(eriors are. / ey@ll t*ist * ate'er you say to t eir o*n (ur(oses. "nyt ing you say mig t &e distorted and misinter(reted as *e c oose. "nd 'ery li$ely *ill &e. SeeG Ie@re not on t e same (lanet. Det% oddly enoug % *e do loo$ at t ings in t e same *ay% o*e'er at odds *e are *it eac ot er. 0eaning% I $no* t e agenda, t e idden

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agenda. Just &ecause it@s co'ert% 6ust &ecause you *on@t let on a&out it% moc$ it% feign ignorance% incom(re ension% dis&elief% doesn@t mean I don@t $no* a&out it, t at I don@t $no* t e score. "s I say% *e all $no* o* fuc$ed t e *orld is% you are, o* du(licitous% sli((ery% * at ingrained liars you are% o* attac ed you are to t e old *orld% t e dying *orld and its denial of .od% of lo'e% of your &rot er and yourself. Ie all $no* o* mixed+u( you are% o* (assi'e+aggressi'e% o* internally 'iolent you are, t e same 'iolence you see t roug (ro6ection in e'eryone else. Ie $no* o* dangerous you are% o* untrust*ort y% o* confused you are% o*e'er @*ell+intentioned@. Dou@re insane% a &arnacle on t e &ac$ of t ose * o *ould try and unra'el t e s enanigans% &ring it to t e lig t% &ring some sense and sanity into t e *orld. Dou *ould $ee( it idden% o&scure% t oug denial% derailing% @misunderstanding@% feigned ignorance% o&fuscation. / ere@s no tal$ing to you. I at5s t e (ointG Dou &elie'e you $no* it all. Dou@re a $no* it all, a y(ocrite% a o(eless self+ decei'er. "s I said% *e li'e in different *orlds. I en *orlds collide. Dours collude. E'eryone you $no*% are connected *it % your inter(retations% your @re(orts@% it@s all collusion% distortion% to $ee( t e insanity going% t e snea$y% indirect aggression% t e madness. Dou5re clueless% drun$ on your o*n cle'erness% your facile sense of omni(otence% and omniscience% iding &e ind &ullies% (artici(ating in it yourself. I don@t necessarily &elie'e in =t em and us5, you do. / at@s * y t ere@s no ta$ing to you. Dou@re too de'ious% too ingrained in your one+sidedness% unforgi'eness. E'eryone else does *rong &ut you and your s(ecial &uddies. Dou don@t see t e in erent% intrinsic c ildis ness of it% t e terminal self+rig teousness of it. Ie@re all so sic$ of it. Dou a'e to go, t e * ole lot of you, you and your idiot minions% t e mired stooges. Ie@re not interested in your tests or your =assessments5. / e danger% t e (ro&lem is you% and your tric$s and games and set+ u(s, your ne'er+ending idden agendas% your genocidal goals. 3 you don@t &elie'e t atG I@m cra?y for e'en t in$ing t at% contem(lating itG Co* con'enient. S ut me u(. Ru& me out. "s if I@m going to &e dum& enoug to assume self+decei'ing% narcissistic t*er(s li$e you could (ossi&le a'e my &est interests

13>

at eart+ or anyone else you $no*. Dou@re (syc ologically &ac$*ard, you still li'e in t e dar$ ages% and assume *e do. Dou@re emotionally immature% stunted. Ie $no* you don@t gro*% emotionally, t at you don@t learn anyt ing. "ll you do is garner more info *it * ic to reinforce your goals of se(aration% tig ten t e c ains of guilt around yoursel'es. "ll you learn is o* to &e @smarter@. It@s all tit for tat *it you% all (etty one+ u(mans i(. Dou a'e no conce(t of t e extent of your s(iritual malaise% *it your stu(id *ors i( of tec nology, of o* you @t ing@ (eo(le% and yoursel'es% of o* you@re only reflections of eac ot er% mindless clones. 0indless in t e sense t at you gi'e a*ay your (o*er to outside aut ority and e'ery false sym&ol of t e (aucity of t e ego% * ic as no real (o*er. Dou5re a(less% o(eless egotists. / at5s * y *e say you don5t a'e a clue. Dou a'e no true conce(tion of &eauty% of lo'e, you@re mor( ing into soulless mac ines as are your minions% and you@re a((y to ta$e t e rest of t e *orld *it you into a tec nological% tec nocratic o&li'ion. -ut it@s really a&out murder. "nd mind+control to t at end. It@s a&out (ersuasion% and coercion, &ro*+&eating% emotional &lac$mail and (syc ological tric$s and &inds% of entra((ing ot ers% to &ecome so enmes ed in guilt t ey@ll do anyt ing to ease it% e'en &ecome a mindless% cle'er clone li$e you. "nd so t e cycle *ill continue% until *e@re all in denial of our common umanity exce(t for our atred against an imagined ot er% * en t e real atred *ill &e to*ard oursel'es% for failing oursel'es and ot ers so &adly, for &eing so asinine% so mediocre, t e ego, for &eing so easily ood*in$ed% and letting you &e. / e ego gets e'ery&ody% 6ust as Ia(nic$ said. Dou can s o'e it u( your u&ristic% stuc$ u( arse. 3 I see * at@s going on% I see t e tric$. / e (seudo+(syc iatrists are in collusion *it t e ( armaceutical industries &y in'enting more disorders to suit t em% gi'e t em all t e (retext t ey need for foisting more (ills% more medication on e'eryone% to s ut t em u(% dull t eir minds% t eir t in$ing (rocesses% t eir critical faculties. In t e meantime% t ere@s t e constant% e'er+ex(anding (rison matrix% t e 'irtual concentration cam(% &ot 'isi&le and in'isi&le% already out on t e streets%

13B

citi?ens and 'e icles utilised as *ea(ons of *ar% &ut co'ertly% slyly% indirectly% to relentlessly arass% to demoralise so t ey feel tra((ed% o(eless% *it no* ere to go and no* ere to turn to, certainly not to you% or any of your clones and minions in collusion. 1ns(o$en collusion is no different or &etter. Dou made your c oice in * at to consider% * at to deny. "nyone * o com(lains a&out t e situation% or tries to% or &etter% tries to defend t emsel'es% t roug countering strategies+ t e only *ay to offset t e minute &y minute arassment and interference% t e relentless attac$ on t eir emotions and 'ery t oug t (rocess% *ill &e seen as (otentially dangerous% =to t emsel'es and ot ers5% cra?y% and ri(e for mind modification% medication. / ere *ill &e a con'enient or ne* diagnoses *aiting t ere rig t for t em to fit t e &ill% t e circumstance% t e @delusion@. "nd if you@re seen as cra?y% ergo% you@re seen as a terrorist% or (otentially so% as I said% a (ossi&le danger to ot ers. If one is not os(italised% in t e mental = ealt 5 sense% t e system% t en one can &e incarcerated% or at least fined% it * ere it urts. Ie all need money to li'e on% to organise oursel'es% &ut you $ee( finding *ays to suc$ it all &ac$% suc$ing t e (eo(le dry. / e minions are too o&tuse or &rain*as ed to see t is. / ey &elie'e t ey@re contri&uting to a &etter *orld% &ut li$e you% t ey@re o(eless (assi'e+aggressors% and a'e no idea * y. It5s all for t e =general good5% all grist for t e mill. I en t ey@re not &eing ro&&ed &lind t emsel'es% sla'e *or$ers% t ey@ll el( set+ u( t e 'ery (eo(le * o mig t ex(ose t e scam for * at it is% t e culture t e cancer t at *ill &ring t e *orld to its $nees% t en o&li'ion. / ey a'e no conce(tion t at t ey furt er t e goals of t e terminally destructi'e% t e ingrained (at ology% of t e (syc o(at s t at rule t e roost. / ey@re so deluded t ey@ll el( get rid of t e 'ery (eo(le t at are ex(osing t e madness% t e insanity. It@s one &ig confidence tric$. Dou@re all going to &e found out. Dou already are. / e (ro&lem is you don@t care. Dou carry on *it your lies% your agendas% li$e an o&stinate c ild * o *on@t admit t ey@'e &een found out. -ut unli$e t e $id% you &elie'e you can destroy t e (arent. Dou@re liars and im(ostors. Dou fuc$ (eo(le u(% destroy t em emotionally% and s(lit t eir minds% as your o*n minds are% dissociated. Dou@re (syc o(at s. Smiling $illers. Dour

13K

emotions are t e o((osite of * at you manifest. Dou@re insane. !an I (ut it any more (lainlyG Dou5'e made an insane *orld and you *ant to force it on t e rest of us. It@s against e'olution% t e uni'erse% .od. I en you@re not materialists% you@re stu(id+ass at eists% *it your (seudo+scientific cretins for @t e (u&lic good@% * eeling t em out at e'ery o((ortunity to &rain*as t e (assi'e+ aggressi'e masses furt er. Dou (ortray yourself as res(onsi&le% =adult5% * en you@re self+decei'ing% y(ocritical fools. =-ad guys5 only ser'e to (ro6ect on all t e more con'eniently% set yoursel'es u( as t e =moral5 and (olitical ar&iters of e'eryone else% of =reality5% * en your (oliticos and (syc o minions are slaug tering c ildren *orld*ide. Ie all $no* t e ! urc is full of con artists% 6ust li$e you are in your to( ec elons% im(ostors one and all. <o* t e s it is itting t e fan. Dou5re on your last legs. It@s all o'er for you. Soon. "ll you a'e left is t e 'iolence% t e murder it *as al*ays a&out. "ll you a'e is force and t e la*s you made in one+sidedness. Dou@ll colla(se under your o*n dead *eig t% insane enoug to *ant to ta$e e'eryone else *it you if t is is t e case% and it is. Dou5re doomed. Dou *ere al*ays doomed. It *as o'er &efore you e'en formulated your (lans. Dou li'e in a dream *orld, a delusionary *orld of your o*n ma$ing. 0ay&e you &elie'e you can tric$ your *ay to a((iness and ea'enG -ut of course% you *ere ne'er interested in ea'en or .od% * ate'er you mig t say to t e contrary. It *as al*ays a&out t is *orld% your dying *orld% and getting .od out of t e (icture. It5s all only e'er &een a&out you and your s(ecial (als in ignominy. It@s all only e'er &een a&out your =(o*er5% your u&ris% t e ego. Dou a'e no real conce(tion of Self. Dou li'e in a fool5s (aradise all t e more une;ui'ocal in its clarity no*% for t e ell you@'e made of it and t at it al*ays *as. 2undamentalists% e G "in5t it al*ays t e *ay.

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Cir(a #) * "aturday /*o t ings. 3ne: I can *rite most days any*ay% * ate'er a((ens% so I may as *ell *rite consistently. /*o: If t is is a fundamentally (syc o(at ically oriented society% 6ust as "&ra am 0aslo* said &ac$ in 1N>4% in 0oti'ation and Personality% and increasingly% &latantly so no*% if in a co'ert% c aracteristic+of+ (syc o(at s+*atc +out+for+t ese+red+flags sort of *ay% t en c ances are t at% 6ust li$e t e (syc o(at s and ram(ant narcissism t at ma$e it u(% it@s going to &e constantly focused on finding *ays to loc$ you into your most c eris ed 'ulnera&ilities and su&conscious guilt. In s ort% it@s going to find *ays to (us your &uttons as &est it can and magnify and com(ound t at guilt. "ll &ased on (ro6ection, t e &elief it can do t at *it out increasing its o*n. Ie@re tal$ing a&out (eo(le ere * o see t emsel'es and you 7 me% as &odies. 3t er &odies 7 society and t e grou(s t at ma$e it u(% friends% @community@% are t e means to accom(lis t is as *ell as ide &e ind% not to mention dilute any sense of guilt t ey mig t feel o'er t eir actions ad infinitum, t e fe* t at mig t &e inclined to feel any residual guilt if t e unrelenting% snea$y%

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indirect aggression as t e desired effect. Ie all $no* o* easy it can &e to carry out an action if e'en one ot er (erson agrees *it us t at it@s a good laug % ne'er mind for a good cause too. .etting rid of t e scum of t e uni'erse. It doesn5t include any of t eir o*n% * ate'er t eir actions, in fact% it5s a co'er for it. Self+ dece(tion is (art of t e (rocess. "lso% @(assi'e@% snea$y aggression is so @innocuous@ any*ay% suc a (art of t e (syc e of t e common+garden+'ariety socio(at % your good do+gooding neig &our * o sees is o*n sins in e'eryone else% it@s 'irtually 6ust an extension of a (art of life% a *ay of @&eing@ 7 t e ego@s false autonomy t ey already &elie'e in and &elie'e t emsel'es to &e to &egin *it . Dea % it5s c ildis % it@s emotionally stunted% terminally s ortsig ted and co*ardly% &ut I can almost understand it% o*e'er &oundless my contem(t is for t e &latant y(ocrisy% t e c ildis self+dece(tion it stems from. Peo(le descri&e t em as e'il socio(at s% *it t eir c aracteristic @e'il smir$s@% and I can see t at% literally. -ut I5m as (rone to smir$ing% or% smiling at least% if intentionally sarcastically% e'en manically% (artly mimic$ing t eirs * en I second+guess t em% * ic is often enoug . I mean I can see * ere t ey@re coming from% or &elie'e t ey5re coming from. / ey@'e &een told t ey@re on t e side of * at@s rig t% 6ust and good. / e @do+gooders@ a'e al*ays &een t e most dangerous, t e good c urc goers% t e *ell+intentioned eugenicists. "not er *ay of loo$ing at it is it@s not t e action% t e &e a'iour t at@s im(ortant% &ut * ere it@s coming from. Ego or s(irit. I seriously dou&t t eirs is coming from t e S(irit% * ate'er / ey mig t &elie'e% o*e'er 6ustified t ey see t eir actions as in some cases. /o me t ey@re no &etter t an assassins% mercenaries. / ey@ll $ill for t e ig est (rice. 3r any (rice if it@s for a @good cause@. / e sadists 7 and t at seems to &e most of yer c aracteristically narcissistic (o(ulationLsocietyLgood community% *ill do it for free. It ma$es t em feel im(ortant% gi'es a more (rofound 5(ur(ose@ to t eir tri'ial% des(airing% fundamentally directionless li'es. <o* t ey a'e a cause. It must &e an exciting de'elo(ment in t eir ot er*ise dull% mundane existence. I see t e *ay t ey scurry to get in (osition% * et er it@s to get t eir &i$e on t e road * ere you can see it% &efore getting on it% riding &y you%

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or 6um(ing into cars% 'ans% truc$s% slamming t e door% a &oot% at t e same time as you (ass, it all as to &e (arallel% =sync ronistic5% for maximum effect% (refera&ly. Dou can almost al*ays tell. Instead of *al$ing calmly% nonc alantly% *it t e all t e casual @Tlan@ and @coolness@ you mig t ex(ect to see in t e a'erage *or$er% truc$er% ca&dri'er% t ey@re scuttling into (lace as if t ey@'e 6ust diarr oea5d t eir (ants *it no idea o* ridiculous t ey loo$% o* (at etic it is. -ut I su((ose many of t em a'e no c oice. / is is t e system% and it@s all uns(o$en coercion too. If you@re not for us you@re against us, you@re one of t em, t e great un(lugged. 3r in / eir case% t e =great5 (lugged. 1n(lugged and some* at slig tly da?ed. #o*n &ut not ;uite do*n and out yet, or not at all. -ut t e main as(ect% aside from t e fact of genocide% t e unmista$a&le (erce(tion t at t ese (eo(le are out to $ill you% t at it5s all a&out murder% is t e 'irtual cons(iracy. If t ey don@t $ill you% *ear you do*n to t e deat &y a million (assi'e+aggressi'e incidents% t ey@ll $ill you &y guilt &y association. It@s all (art and (arcel of t e same strategy and goal% after all. It@s all a&out guilt. "s " !ourse in 0iracles says% t is is a *orld dri'en mad &y guilt. I5m (ara( rasing. / e guilt is seen in e'eryone else &ut t emsel'es. -etter still if t e (erson as actually committed some einous crime or act. / at ma$es it all t e more 6ustified% all t e more con'enient to see our sins in ot ers. -ut ot ers5 are 6ust (ro6ections of oursel'es. / e most insidious as(ect of it all is t at it@s t e narcissists% t e (syc o(at s t at are t e cause of t e (ro&lem. / ey5re t e (erfect snea$ily indirect emotional a&users. / ey5'e al*ays cloa$ed it *it a limitless sense of &eing in t e rig t and self+rig teous anger and y(ocrisy. / ey@re &orn liars% tric$sters. / ey@re not * at t ey seem. / ey@re t e exacer&ation of t e (ro&lem% t e (retext for it, t e a(ologists for &igger crimes. In s ort% t ey@re t e (er(etuators of a 'icious circle. / e dissociated% s(lit+minded $ids t at gro* u( to &e dissociated% a&usi'e adults are t e (roducts of (eo(le li$e t emsel'es% t e (arents li$e t emsel'es% t e self+rig teous do+gooders% t e @nice@ (eo(le% t e o(eless snea$y aggressors. It@s no *onder communities are so full of mediocrities% tri'ial+minded (assi'e+

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aggressors. It@s * at t ey (roduce, t ey@re a 'irtual cons(iracy. I en it@s not o'ert 'iolence% a&use% ra(e% murder. Hoo$ at t e (eo(le at t e to(% t e ones * o couldn5t care less a&out t e little &ro*n &odies t ey &urn and main *it t eir cluster &om&s and radiation% * en% in t eir im(erialism% t ey *eren@t fuc$ing t em o'er in one form or anot er. #a'id Ic$e once said or reiterated t at t e goal of t e @Elite@% t e Illuminati% is to get us so enmes ed in guilt% *e *on@t $no* * et er *e@re coming or going. !learly% t e most =dangerous5 (eo(le in t e *orld for t ose *it suc a goal *ould &e t ose * o mig t ex(ose t e agenda% t e (at ology of suc a mindset for * at it is. "nd t e to(sters% t e (syc o(at s t at o*n t e *orld in t eir o*n minds% are ne'er s ort of ta$ers% of defenders for t eir dirty *or$. <e'er mind t at it@s all gaslig ting in one form ot er anot er% tric$s and games, as if *e are going to &e ca(a&le of tric$ing our *ay to a((iness% and ea'en% and .od Cimself. "s if .od can &e fooled. It5s all a&out $ee(ing t e ego5s (ro6ected% murderous .od at &ay. / e go'ernment &elie'es it can@t &e fooled if -rad&ury@s 2a ren eit 4>1 is anyt ing to go &y. -ut *e all $no* t at t e go'ernment is a&out fooling t e (eo(le. 3r some of us do. / e ma6ority% t e good s ee(le a'e al*ays &een t ere to do its &idding *it out muc of a ;ualm or com(laint. "ny ;ualms% any unsettling t oug ts can &e (ro6ected on to ot ers in any case. Pro&lem sol'ed. / ere are al*ays con'enient sca(egoats% for t e state of t e economy% t e *orld and its =e'il5. / ere are al*ays easier targets t an go'ernment. In fact% go'ernment itself% local aut orities *ill tell you * at and * o t e (ro&lem is% * o to target% and o* t*o *rongs *ill al*ays ma$e a rig t% if need &e. "nd t at *ill al*ays &e t e case% * en it &egins from a false (remise, t at t e (ro&lem is in ot ers. E'eryone &ut their lords and masters. <e'er mind t at t eir taxes are *asted on fatcat &an$sters and t e ludicrous @&onuses@ t ey a*ard t emsel'es or t e gratuitous ex(enses of (oliticians% t e doctors on t e ta$e from t e ( armaceuticals% all ex(enses (aid tri(s for t eir essential @conferences@. / e ti( of t e ti( of t e ice&erg. It@s all ne(otism of course. Jo&s for t e &oys. / ey get t e lo*er classes to do t eir dirty *or$ for t em% directed &y t e

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@elite@. / e *or$ing classes a'e al*ays &een a &unc of ignorant (le&s li'ing in t e (syc ological dar$ ages. / ey@'e al*ays &een cle'er fools% 6ust li$e t eir lords and masters t ey so muc &elie'e in. <ot all of t em% &ut most of t em. I@m *or$ing class too. If I actually *or$ed% t at is, if I *ere a((y to *aste my life el(ing =t e 0an5% * et er t e landlord or t e em(loyer or t e fatcats get ric or ric er. -ut if a (erson is a((y to dri'e around a taxi for fairs or sit at a c ec$out or stac$ s el'es% if t ey don@t see t at as a *aste of t eir time or minds% or &elie'e t ey@re inca(a&le of anyt ing else% t at@s u( to t em. Someone as to do it. I@m not dissing t e s elf+fillers in any case% or t e c ec$out assistants% as an exam(le. 0ost of t em are o$ay. It@s t e rest *it t e (etty am&ition% t e =as(irers5% management% t e minor self+em(loyed * o see t emsel'es as im(ortant to t e system as a * ole% t e good cogs in t e mac ine% t e =salt of t e eart 5 *or$ing class -org% * o see t emsel'es as cle'er and a'e said so% t e self+ deluded fools% t e terminally facile% * o see &oo$s as (retentious% needless intellectualism% t e terminal ignoramuses * o refuse to t in$% to loo$ into anyt ing more dee(ly% acce(ting t e status ;uo as t ey &elie'e it to &e &ut s out t eir 'ie*s at you * ate'er c ance t ey get. "nd * at else is @gangstal$ing@% t e co'ert =no+ touc 5 torture and genocide (rogram% &ut someone forcing t eir one+sided 'ie* of t e *orld on (eo(leG / e &orn snea$s and snitc es% al*ays loo$ing u( to #addy% * oe'er t ey see outside t emsel'es as &eing more (o*erful t an t ey are% t e 0an% t e (eo(le in t e $no*% to do is &idding and fit in at all costs% rise in your (rofession% rise in t e *orld% and crus t e no&odies% t e *eirdoes% t e (arasites% t e =3utsiders5% if t at@s * at it ta$es and * at you@re told t ey are. It *as al*ays going to come to t is. / eir system *as ne'er going to *or$. It ne'er really as. "s J... -allard said% you only a'e to loo$ at t e *orld t ey@'e made. Ce said more t an t at. Ce (refaced it &y remar$ing on t eir easily outraged sensiti'ity o'er t eir conceit a&out t e correctness of t eir 'ie*s% t eir fait in t e *orld and t eir @common sense@. / ey *ere al*ays insane of course. If only I@d $no*n t at as a $id. It *ould@'e sa'ed me a lot of mental and emotional anguis . It *ould of course a'e

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made me utterly intolera&le to t em% my guardians and =teac ers5. 0ost of t em% my teac ers% *ere im(ostors of course. / ey li$ely meant *ell too% &y trying to destroy any real indi'iduality t ey sa* in ot ers% in me. -y indi'iduality% I mean any strengt of c aracter t at mig t come from a source &eyond or a&o'e indi'iduality, e'eryt ing and anyt ing t ey mig t see as a t reat to t eir o*n. In a sense% little as c anged. I@m still surrounded &y t ese fear+stric$en clots. I@'e 6ust ne'er &een ;uite a&le to esca(e t e e'eryday narcissists% t e (lague of socio(at y. / e difference no* is t at a lot more (eo(le are feeling t e same *ay. Exce(t for t e good do+gooding socio(at s t emsel'es. If t e @gangstal$ing *orld5 is full of criminals% terminal liars and self+decei'ers% on t e ta$e or &lac$mailed into it% * at does t at say a&out t emG Dou@d t in$ t ey mig t see t e in erent contradiction. Intros(ection isn@t t eir forte, (ro6ection is. It5s a &it of a contradiction * en t e insanity &ecomes so o&'ious% it5s t e o((osite of * at it &elie'es itself to &e and &ecomes a danger to itself and e'eryone else in t e (rocess of disa((earing u( its o*n arse. #o you get meG "s !olin Iilson (ointed out in / e 0an Iit out " S ado*% men ta$e to ra(e and murder as if t ey *ere &orn to it. Ce *as tal$ing a&out *ar of course. I@d add t at t e common man% yer a'erage non+intros(ecti'e% unt in$ing (le& =(atriot5 ta$es to ra(e and murder at t e first o((ortunity. "s soon as go'ernment tells t em it@s not 6ust o$ay &ut *ell and good to murder damn foreigners% t ey ta$e to it as if t ey *ere &orn to it% 6ust as Iilson said. / e extent of colla&oration *it t e <a?is *as far more *ides(read t an assumed. / e ego lo'es an enemy% and excuses its o*n s ortcomings in t e satisfaction of ta$ing out t e sense of its o*n failings and inade;uacies on ot ers. It lo'es to feel su(erior% in control, trium( ant. 0ost (eo(le are ;uite deranged. Dou s ould $no* t at. It@s a&out fitting in to t e insanity% of not roc$ing t e &oat% for% &efore you $no* it% you@ll &e ostracised% se;uestrated% assassinated. / at@s * at@s a((ening no*% &ut slyly% co'ertly% indirectly+ and not so indirectly. / eir *ar goes on% t eir goal of narcissistic% (syc o(at ic domination of t e *orld% as it al*ays as. <o* it5s on t e streets% co'ertly% against its o*n citi?ens% em(loying% utilising t e rest of t e

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s ee(le against targeted ot ers. It5s a narcissistic% socio(at ic free+for+all. / e narcissists a'e al*ays &een (rone to (utting ot ers do*n% s(reading lies% discord% &ad feeling% sus(icion. @0ost@ (eo(le% t e @normal@ (eo(le can ne'er countenance * y anyone *ould *ant to do t at. I at rarely occurs to t em is t at it@s as muc a co'er for t eir o*n (at ology. See it in ot ers and ey (resto% t ey@re transformed in t eir o*n minds as t e conscientious% res(onsi&le adults% rat er t an t e self+deluding% emotionally stunted c ildren t ey are. It5s not 6ust immaturity. / e $ids I $ne* *ere more emotionally mature t an my mot er and &oyfriendcum*ould&e u&&y. / ey *ere &ratty $ids * o gre* u( to &e terminally immature &ratty adults, if one could call t em adults. 0ost of t e (eo(le you see around you% and t e actions t ey5re (artici(ating in t at you don@t see or discern% are (retend gro*nu(s too. / eir friends i(s% t eir associations% t eir relations i(s% suc as t ey are% doomed. / ey@re no* ere and no* en. )no* t em &y t eir c aracteristic% facile smir$ as mentioned% t eir sterile emotions% t e flatness of affect% t e s allo*ness of t eir 'ie*s and @con'ictions@% o*e'er ;uic$ to anger. / ese are t e ollo* men% t e sad (eo(le t at Eliot *rote a&out. / ey destroy t eir c ildren emotionally% s(litting t eir minds t roug t e same continuous% unrelenting &ut co'ert aggression% (utting t em into im(ossi&le dou&le &inds. / e dissociated (eo(le t at (roduce dissociated $ids * o gro* u( to &e 6ust li$e t em% more of t emsel'es% narcissistic c i(s off t e old &loc$ eads. / ey@re t e tragic -org. 3ne s ould feel only com(assion for t em. Pity is to (ut oneself a&o'e t em% or anyone% or so I@'e eard. Pity t em if it ma$es you feel &etter. It@s (ro&a&ly a ste( in t e rig t direction from t e contem(t and atred t ey arouse t roug t eir im(enetra&le u&ris. Psyc iatrists tal$ a&out t e emotional im(enetra&ility of =-orderline5 (ersonalities. In t at case% t ey@re all &orderlines, t e same (syc iatrists% * o deny t at any of t is exists. / ey only com(ound and reinforce t e (ro&lem. It is again% a&out not roc$ing t e &oat% ste((ing out of line. / at5s t e nail t at@s li$ely to &e it. Passi'e+aggressi'e (syc iatrists in denial% follo*ing t e (arty line are ne'er going to el( anyone% let alone @cure@ t em,

14>

t e (ro'er&ial case of doing more arm t an good. / is situation is set u( to destroy targets% (syc ologically% emotionally, to a'e t em committed or incarcerated if t ey don@t commit suicide first% as is also t e intention &e ind t ese (rograms of co'ert aggression% =slo* $ill5 murder. / ese (eo(le *ill &e ex(osed for t e decei'ers and self+decei'ers t at t ey are% com(ounding t is co'ert% glo&al agenda of no* mass murder% committed &y t e usual ci'ic+minded e'eryday socio(at s * o *ill al*ays &e t ere to do t e &idding of t e (syc o(at s in (o*er. Socio(at s% (syc o(at s% it all &lends into eac ot er, * at5s t e difference% * en t e end goal is genocideG / ese (eo(le a'e al*ays &een a cancer on society% =t e deat of creati'ity5. / ey mig t &e t e most dangerous for t e 'ery reasons t ey seem to &e t e most innocuous% t e most c arita&le% and altruistic. "nd t e most im(enetra&le in t eir o&tuseness and u&ris% t eir constant mallea&ility and *illingness to furt er t e goals of t e P/-% o*e'er un*ittingly for t at 'ery reason. 2urt er what goals% * at outcomeG #issociation% insanity% t e &elief in =t em and us5. / e @elite@% t e lluminati *ant a feudal system of masters and serfs, sla'es. 0ost (eo(le are sla'es any*ay% *or$ing for a relati'e (ittance t en a'ing a (ercentage of it ta$en from t em in taxes to $ee( o'er t eir eads t e 'ery (eo(le * o ensla'e t em. Hoo$ at most of t e 6o&s / eir minions do. It@s all a&out trying to $ee( afloat a fuc$ed+u(% &ro$en *orld. I en t ey5re not doing t at% t ey@re ena&ling% com(ounding t e insanity. / ey@re enmes ed in it li$e t e doctors% t e (syc iatrists * o say none of t is exists. <o* t ey a'e t eir =(re+trial di'ersion (rograms5% t roug t e courts% t e !PS% t e corru(t co(s * o@re in on t e co'ert murder (rograms too. It@s a set+u(% all a *aste of time to enmes you in furt er guilt * et er @real@ or =imagined5. I seriously dou&t t ey@re t ere to el( anyone &ut t e agenda% o*e'er *ell intentioned. / e system comes first. / ey@re (art of t e In;uisition% increasingly so no*% to try and tra( t eir targets *it t eir o*n *ords in t e guise of a friendly% el(ful social *or$ format% &ut it@s a re(ort% ma$e no mista$e a&out it. It goes &ac$ to t e (eo(le a&o'e t em% * o li$e t emsel'es% are (art of t e same co'ert glo&al agenda. If you a'en@t &een emotionally

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destroyed% t ey@ll loo$ to tric$ you% entra( you% and enmes you furt er into t eir insane *e&% of mental os(itals and im(risonment. Ie@re @&ac$@ to communist Russia. !ommunism% fascism% * at5s t e differenceG It5s all t e same goals and agendas% all a&out t e &elief in &odies% t e fear of .od% =t e *orld is all t ere is5 (eo(le. / ey@re scre*&alls% al*ays a'e &een. / ey@re t e cle'er idiots. / ey@ll fec$ you u(% find a *ay to get rid of you% ru& you out% and turn you into a ci( er. I *as al*ays a ci( er to my mot er for t e most (art. It ne'er occurred to er t at I could &e t e * ole *orld% t e uni'erse% as is e'eryone. It ne'er once occurred to er s e could ne'er find a((iness *it out me. S e ad er @man@% t e &eau, 6ust anot er self+ decei'ing fool li$e erself% needless to say. I used to li$e it t at !I *ould descri&e most (eo(le as suc . I really identified *it it e'en if I couldn5t ;uite (ut my finger on it% meaning I couldn5t articulate it% as I@d a'e li$ed. -ut I $ne* intuiti'ely and from (ersonal ex(erience t at e *as correct% t at it *as undenia&le. Cis no'el% / e P iloso( ers Stone &rings it to mind. / e (ro&lem *it t at no'el and muc of is *or$% t oug I didn@t $no* it t en% *as is (reoccu(ation *it t e =unta((ed (o*ers of t e mind5% s(ecifically% as in t e P iloso( ers Stone% t e (o*er of mind o'er matter. / e real (ro&lem of t e mind is t e (ro&lem of unconscious guilt. It5s guilt t at ma$es t e *orld go around% and% as Jesus states in is !ourse% t is is a *orld made mad &y guilt. It all $ee(s coming &ac$ to guilt and t e &elief in t e (ro6ection of guilt, t at it can &e (ro6ected. In effect% one could say t at it isn5t all a&out guilt% for guilt and sin aren5t real o&6ecti'ely% &ut t at it@s a&out denial and (ro6ection of t e &elief in guilt. 3ne can also say it@s a&out re(ression+ resistance, t e refusal of insig t% and t e constant re(ression of guilt and (ro6ection of it. It@s an insidiously destructi'e% (er'erse dynamic. / ere5s no real o(e for t e *orld * ile t is goes on. Hoo$ at o* im(ortant it is to (eo(le% to t e *orld. 3ne can5t e'en tal$ a&out it *it out &eing considered insane. /rue% t is glo&al co'ertly aggressi'e @gangstal$ing@ strategy *ould seem to &e (retty outlandis on t e face of it% &ut t at@s 6ust anot er as(ect of re(ression, t e refusal to face t e dar$ side of t e *orld and

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oursel'es. / e *orld is only t e (ro6ection% t e s ado* of t at in*ard state in any case. 0ost (syc iatrists *ill (ro&a&ly tell you suc a 'ie* is also insane% or anot er sym(tom of it% yet t ere@s a ric istory of .nosticism% as *ell as minds of unusual integrity and onesty suc as t e S2 *riter P ili( ). #ic$% * o said different. It@s ty(ical t at modern (syc iatry% as *it science% sees itself as t e last *ord in =ci'ilisation@ and enlig tenment% *it t eir egocentric% &raincentric% &odycentric% =t is *orld is all t ere is all t ere is5% fundamentalist materialist outloo$. / eologians are mostly t e same of course. "ll &ody &ody &ody, t e @miracle@ of &irt % and of t e ( ysical resurrection% t e @mystery@ of t e canni&alistic ritual of t e Euc arist. / ey@re all nuts. 0ost <e* "gers too% and t eir o(elessly dualistic em( asis and &elief in =0ot er Eart 5L.aia% =sacred5 s(ots% artefacts% (laces% t eir c annelled messages from @.od@. It@s ;uite ridiculous% and I@m glad I can see it for * at it is &efore I *as e'er truly ood*in$ed &y any of it. Hate nig t @ministers@L(riests *ere al*ays a &ore on /4 * en I *as a $id and in my teens. I@d listen to t em t oug % some of t e time% find out * at t ey ad to say. I@d *atc t e science (rogram Cori?on too% try and get &e ind t e *ords. I ne'er truly could. I al*ays felt t ere *as somet ing missing% as if t ey *ere missing t e mar$ some o*. I got far more s(irituality% sense% and sanity from t e ! ildren5s !lassics series I read% and not least% 0ar'el comics% as *ell as t e (o( ditties of t e day I lo'ed so muc . / ey really did it for me. / en reading a c a(ter or t*o of In tune Iit t e Infinite &y Ral( Ialdo /rine stunned me. I5d (ro&a&ly stum&led in it in one of t e old em(ty flats near&y. 0ay&e 7 and &y may&e I mean (er a(s 7 it *as t e mood I *as in% feeling a((y a&out t e sc ool oliday for six *ee$s% and t e sense of freedom I felt o*e'er relati'ely% li'ing *it t e cra?y narcissist t at *as my mot er. "nd may&e it *as as muc t e contrast of t at% of t e (ercei'ed dangers of t e *orld and its seeming dar$ forces t at made t e *ords of t e &oo$ all t e more u(lifting for me. I felt a sense of real disco'ery% almost as if I *ere ta$ing off% or somet ing in me *as, it really s(o$e to me, t at somet ing as su&lime as t is could &e in t e *orld% its 'ery

14M

existence made it a different (lace for me. It *as 'ery similar% analogous to t e ex(erience of feeling oneself to &e in lo'e. / at5s * at I felt * ile reading it, t at t e *orld could so easily &e a (lace of lo'e% and s ould &e. 0ost (eo(le a'e no real conce(tion of t is. / ey a'e no real conce(tion of lo'e &ecause t ey don5t a'e any a*areness of t e unconscious atred in'ol'ed in s(ecialness, s(ecial ate and s(ecial lo'e. <eit er did I. It *as somet ing intuiti'e. /o act li$e a s(oilt 6er$% a &ully% *as somet ing one intuiti'ely $ne* to &e small+minded% a &etrayal of oneself. Ie@'e all ad our la(ses% and felt guilty a&out it% &ut t at5s no reason to try and ma$e it a *ay of life &y (ro6ecting it onto ot ers to assuage our o*n sense of s ame and unconscious atred to*ards oursel'es. I@m intentionally ea'y on t e analogy ere. Ie all do it.

/ e t oug t of all t ose "merican soldiers% troo(s committing suicide floats into mind Q / ere@s t e (aradox, of t in$ing you5re t e &ees $nees% t e great (olicer and (rotector of t e uni'erse and all you find is t at t e situation is t e e(itome of insanity, t at you@re doing no good exce(t furt er t e aims of t e (lutocrats% t e oligarc y, t at t ere are fe* real aggressors% 6ust (atsies% sca(egoats% one after t e next% and * en t ey@re destroyed% a ne* one *ill &e in'ented. It must &e toug 7 toug er%

14N

* en your &rain*as ed &uddies refuse to see t is% s(outing t eir (rogramming a&out (rotecting freedom and "merica 8and t e *orld% &ecause "merica is t e *orld to t em of course% 6ust as to good c urc goers t e c urc is .od9 from t e terrorists. / ey come to see t e y(ocrisy% t e self+dece(tion% t e s(lit+ mindedness and dissociation in'ol'ed% t e dissem&ling and e'asion * en t ey5re c allenged if anyone is foolis enoug to try and c allenge it. / e rest in t eir reflexi'e grou(t in$ are li$ely to gang u( on t em% see it as sedition% treac ery% and (unis t em accordingly% as li$ely co'ertly. -ut I@m sure finding yourself in an im(ossi&le situation along *it t e &lood on your ands t at com(ounds t e guilt and insanity of it all is enoug . / e *orld seems to &e out to (unis and dri'e anyone cra?y * o doesn@t go along *it t e insanity. Is it (ossi&le to dri'e someone cra?y *it out &eing cra?y yourselfG / ere5s t e 0)1ltra doctors lording it o'er t eir @(atients@ "nd t e <a?i doctors and t eir insane ex(eriments. "nyone * o (artici(ates in any form of gaslig ting% cra?y+ma$ing at all% is o&'iously cra?y if t e intention is to im(act someone in a negati'e *ay% emotionally. It is of course% &ased on t e &elief in se(aration, t at one can affect anot er *it out it affecting oneself. Ie all a'e t at &elief in one form or ot er. 2or most of us it@s a *ay of life. It@s t e &elief in se(arate goals% &odies% outcomes, a some* at (at etic state of affairs, t at most (eo(le still a'e no conce(tion t at t e uni'erse is one% in t e sense t at t e mind is one. It@s no *onder t ey@re descri&ed as =gangstal$ers5% o*e'er misleading t e term, it5s * y I5'e (ut it in ;uotes. / e mentality of t e gang is still t ere, t e tri&al% territorial mentality, in s ort% t e mo& mentality. / e (olice are muc t e same% as is more o&'ious no*. / ese (eo(le are all a&out =us and t em5. It@s a *ar for t em. It@s t ere in o* t ey@re $itted u( for 'iolence, of o* t ey5re not interested in (rotests, t e goal is domination, a&out im(osing t eir inter(retation of t e *orld% t eir ideas% and t eir *ill on ot ers% t roug (o*er of course. 0ig t is rig t. " com&ination of (o*er and cunning 7 cle'erness is t eir .od% using agent (ro'ocateurs% dressed as (rotestors to 6ustify t eir 'iolence% im(osition and reinforcement of t e (rison matrix t roug furt er draconian

1>0

=la*s5 of t eir leaders. / eir leaders are (syc o(at s utilising (syc o(at ic t ugs in uniform to carry out t eir &idding in an @official@ ca(acity. / ey ma$e it all u( as t ey go along. / ey@re im(ostors% (lay actors. It5s 6ust more <a?ism, tasering% &eating u( t e mentally andica((ed% t e old% t e (regnant, anyone t ey (ercei'e as antagonistic% an enemy% or useless. / ey &roo$ no contradiction% no ad'erse o(inion. / e (enalty is deat . If t ey don@t get you t ere and t en t ey *ill e'entually% &y $ee(ing ta&s on you% stal$ing you% (re+em(ting you. / ey5ll unt you do*n and *ear you out. / is system offers no mercy for (ercei'ed ma'eric$s% su&'ersi'es% o*e'er ludicrous suc a notion may &e to t e @ma'eric$s@ t emsel'es. 2or some% it isn@t a ;uestion of &eing a ma'eric$ or su&'ersi'e or su((osed re'olutionary. It@s a&out sanity, a&out &eing yourself% or trying to &e. / at can &e (retty difficult in t e midst of t e ne'er+ending onslaug t of narcissism in all its tric$s and set+u(s. !all it &ac$sta&&ing. / ese (eo(le are so insane% so unconsciously guilt+o&sessed t ey@ll try and destroy you for assisting t em out of t eir (at ological im(asse, or trying to. 2or t at% you@re a su&'ersi'e% a (otential danger to all% including yourself. Dou@ll need your ead examined. In s ort% you@re a terrorist% or *orse. <e'er fear% t ey@ll ma$e it u( and exaggerate * en it@s called for. I ate'er suits t eir (ur(ose. It@s an odd state of affairs% t at &y insisting on seeing (eo(le a certain *ay% one can contri&ute to &ringing t at 'ery situation or (at ology a&out. Dou@d t in$ t ey@d see t is 8/ ey do% t en dissociateL(ro6ect it out9. "&ra am 0aslo* (ointed t is out in 0oti'ation and Personality &ac$ in 1N>4. It@s (ossi&le it *as in /o*ards a Psyc ology of -eing. It *as &ac$ in 1NM3 and @M4 t at I read im. I *as t*enty+t ree% t*enty+four at t e time. -ut t is is t e 'ery situation t ey *ant to &ring a&out% t e 'ery &e a'iour t ey *ant from t eir targets. I at *ould &e t e @ultimate@ ad'erse reaction to t eir unrelenting co'ert arassmentG It *ould &e for t e (erson to =lose it5 of course% and start &lo*ing (eo(le a*ay% if t ey could find t e means. "nd in t e 1S% t ey do. <o one in aut ority *ill admit t is goes on. Ie@re gi'en all manner of ex(lanations as to t e contri&utory factors% suc as drug ta$ing% medication. I ate'er suits t e agenda% t e (arty

1>1

line. / e closer to t e trut it is% t e &etter, t at ma$es it more difficult to se(arate t e true e'ents from t e smo$escreen. Peo(le as$ * y no one s(otted t e *arning signs. <o* t at *ill &e used as (art of t e (retext to monitor% control e'eryone. -ut it@s $no*n t at many of t ese guys and t e occasional gal com(lained a&out &eing targeted% &ullied. / is as &een con'eniently dismissed as (art of t eir (at ology% t eir mental (ro&lem. "gain% t e outcome ma$es t at a 'ery con'enient rationalisation. -ut * at if it@s an intentionally &ac$+to+front one% a distortion intended to misleadG @/Is5 a'e &een claiming for years t ey@re &eing co'ertly arassed% &ullied% targeted, t at t e intention is to dri'e t em to omelessness% incarceration% * et er as =mentally ill5 or dangerous% orLand to suicide. I@'e long noticed t at t e strategy of t e co'ert aggressor% in life% in discussion grou(s on t e net as &een to disguise t eir intention% derail any t read of logic% of anyt ing t at mig t ex(ose t eir agenda% *it accusations of (aranoia% * en it@s &een o&'ious to anyone *it a modicum of discernment t at t e gate$ee(ers a'e ta$en exce(tion. 0ost of t e rest are 6ust too intimidated to (oint it out% t oug not al*ays. <ot anyone * o mig t a'e to ta$e into account t at t ey@ll (ro&a&ly recei'e t e same treatment as t e ma'eric$% t e target. / is as &ecome a *ay of life no*% an organised glo&al strategy. "nyone * o mig t (oint out * at@s going on is furt er targeted% arassed% to &ot s ut t em u( and destroy t em. / e (ossi&ly of recruiting ot ers for t is (ur(ose is 'irtually limitless% if actually finite. -ut t ey try and create t e im(ression it5s t e * ole *orld against you. !ertainly t e * ole to*n% * en it is in fact% only a (ercentage. It@s all a confidence tric$, it@s a&out trying to distort t e targets (erce(tions, of @reality@% e'eryday e'ents. -ut stic$ing *it t e immediate t eme% * at *ill t ey say * en someone% &y * ic I mean a targeted indi'idual% * o@s com(lained only to a'e no one listen to t em% and dismisses * at t ey say as imagining t ings% finally does lose it% as is &ound to a((en e'entually% statistically s(ea$ingG I@'e already ans*ered it I su((ose% for t ey already a'e. / e more rational /Is don@t tal$ a&out murdering anyone on t eir &logs% or of acting out in retaliation in any ot er *ay. / ey@re far

1>2

too @rational@ on t e * ole. <ot all of t em. -ut t ey@re sensi&le enoug % com(os mentis% emotionally% (syc ologically% to $no* not to t reaten anyt ing ras 7 or &e seen as irrational. 8I@m (ossi&ly more imaginati'e. I@m sure I could come u( *it a * ole num&er of interesting scenarios in fictional terms9. -ut if t ey did act out in some form% in t e same *ay as t e @(er(s@ act out% t ey@d find t emsel'es in trou&le% set u(% &ecause t e difference is% t at t e (er(s% t e &ody+oriented% t e @*orlders@% are all in collusion. Dou@d t in$ t ey@d $no* t is is t e (ro'ince of t e mediocrities% of &itter old landladies and t*itc ing curtains% of criminality% of liars and narcissists% &ut t ey don@t% in t at t ey don@t care. -ut for a &logger to do it% *ell t e situation *ould &e unmista$a&le% *ouldn@t itG ! ances are it *ould &e (ic$ed u( on s ortly &efore% or remo'ed and under *ra(s after retaliation% 'engeance *as carried out. / is mig t ex(lain * y t e 2-I say t ings li$e t ey *on@t release certain 'ideota(ed e'idence in case of co(ycat $illings. 0ay&e so. -ut (er a(s t ere are sometimes ot er reasons. / ere are enoug @/I@ &logs on t e net no* for (eo(le to a'e more t an enoug information as to * at@s going on. / ere5s a reasona&ly sim(le ex(lanation as to * y not ing is done a&out t eir situation. It isn@t affecting non+targets. / ey don@t see it as a'ing any rele'ance to t eir li'es% necessarily. / ey don@t realise t is is yet anot er sym(tom% an as(ect of a system t at@s in t e (rocess of &inding t em and and foot% (syc ologically% emotionally. Ie5re all to &ecome t e -org% t roug t eir intended I# cards% t en microc i((ing us t roug a centralised com(uter% *it out * ic % no one *ill &e a&le to function. / e microc i(% t roug t e com(uter% t e o(erator% can influence your moods% your 'ery t oug ts. In a cas less society% if you don@t t in$ * at t ey *ant you to t in$ or do * at t ey say% suc as sto( *riting &logs a&out &eing co'ertly targeted say% t ey@ll cut you off from essential recourses 7 or your net connection. If you don@t a'e t e code% t e means for food% to (ay for rent and e'eryt ing else you need in your life% you@re scre*ed. "s if t ey don5t $no* t is. I@m sure t e goal is to end anyt ing t ey inter(ret as su&'ersi'e on t e net long &efore t is. It@s &ecome increasingly o&'ious to me t at

1>3

/Is are t e =frontline5 as to * at@s going on no*% &y trying to *arn (eo(le of t e danger t at@s around t em% on t eir streets% t e all+(er'ading t reat to t eir (resent and future li&erty in t e guise of targeting su((osed criminals% *eirdoes% (arasites. /rue% t at may &e t e case sometimes% &ut it@s as muc of a (retext% all t e excuse t ey need, a co'er for t e real agenda, &ecause t ere@s all t e (eo(le t at go rig t along *it it for suc reasons and less. It can &e ;uite discouraging% demoralising in t at t ey don@t see t e o&'ious criminality t at surrounds it. It can &ring on a 'ery dim and grim 'ie* of uman nature as a * ole. -ut t is as al*ays &een t e case, * ere@s t e &ig sur(riseG / e notion t at criminality is somet ing rare% extreme and al*ays outside oneself to &e seen in anot er% is a 6o$e. / ey ta$e to (etty criminality li$e a duc$ to *ater% gi'en a @good@ reason. / e ego *or$s as one, it ne'er forgets. It li'es in t e (ast. It@s ca(acity for re'enge% for insanity is almost limitless. It *ill go to any means to distort% to destroy% to trium( . Peo(le are &ecoming more and more a*are t at t ere@s somet ing far *rong *it its @reasoning@. It and its *orld aren5t *or$ing. It@s s o*ing itself to &e t e o((osite of * at it claims so 'e emently to &e. It5s increasingly re'ealed for t e im(ostor it al*ays *as. "nyone t at messed u( as 6ust &een t e con'enient co'er for t is. In fact% it &rings intentionally a&out t e 'ery situations% t e (at ology it claims to &e *or$ing% e'en fig ting against% &y its o*n dissociation and co'ert% =(assi'e5% snea$y aggression, a (oint *ort re(eating. Ie a'e seen t e enemy% and it is oursel'es% &ut seen in ot ers. It@s a mad ouse% 6ust as /aylor said% in / e Planet of / e "(es. I t oug t I *as going to &e a&le to read. <o* I mig t &e too tired% &ut I@ll try and read some more of 2a ren eit 4>1.

1>4

"unday I *rite and oftentimes it doesn@t feel real. I feel uninformed% almost *eig tless. !olin Iilson remar$ed on t is in / e 0an *it out a S ado*. Cis c aracter% .erard Sorme% our main (rotagonist if you li$e 8 e5s !I in anot er guise9% &ut of t e mind% s(eculates t roug is 6ournal 7 t e no'el is is 6ournal 7 t at t is state of mind t at e ex(eriences is due to too muc freedom. Some mig t say too muc time on is ands, or mine. Ce com(ares it% as I 'aguely recall% to t e *eig tlessness of an astronaut a'ing not ing to (us against. / ere5s a certain irony t ere 7 or ere% in t at no* *e@re in t e (rocess of a'ing our freedoms curtailed% decimated% in t e name of a &ogus =*ar on terror5% and more s(ecifically% or (ersonally% ere I am% getting caug t u( and &oxed+in &y an e'er+encroac ing matrix% met odically% intentionally so% and I sometimes feel (aradoxically @free@% almost lig t+ earted. 3ne could (ut t at do*n to some form of denial% a =narcissistic5 refusal to face t e reality% t e gra'ity of t e situation% and * o $no*sG 0ay&e t ere are elements of t at. It5s not as if *e $no* oursel'es so *ell *e can &e a&solutely sure of any as(ect. "s .urd6ieff said% *e5re a collection of t ousands of sel'es. 0ostly false% I mig t add% t oug e *as *ell a*are of t at. -ut I t in$ t at sometimes t ere are moments of a&solute clarity 7 as *ell as only (artial clarity, s(otting somet ing tangi&le t roug t e fog% and it isn@t a mirage. I do feel ignorant

1>>

muc of t e time t oug % if not most of t e time% no matter o* muc I read% researc . It@s 6ust t e *ay it is. / e more you find out% t e more you realise you don@t $no*. ="s any fule s ould $no5% to ;uote <igel 0oles*ort . 0ore c arita&ly% I could ( rase it as t at I5ll al*ays feel only (artially informed. Presuma&ly if I $ee( reading% researc ing% t in$ing% synt esising% t e end result *ill not &e a $ind of enlig tenment% &ut ultimate ignorance. I@ll $no* I $no* a&solutely not ing and ne'er *ill 7 if t at ma$es any sense. / en enlig tenment *ill finally da*n on me, * ate'er t at means. I can &e t e most ignorant% enlig tened man in t e *orld or one of t em. "ll@s e;ual in lo'e and t e madness of *ar. I ate'er t e ell t at means. -ut yes% I feel &ot uninformedLignorant and el(less in t e face of far @greater@ ego forces as many do. / ere@s 6ust too muc information too, anot er (aradox of t e information age and its accessi&ility 7 t oug t at may &e truncated too. It is as some (eo(le say, a matter of $no*ing * at to read. I a'e to $ee( reading to find out. It &ecomes a matter of discernment% intuition and luc$% or% if you (refer% sync ronicity. / e minions mig t &e a&le to t *art t e a*areness of natural sync ronicities in one5s life out on t e street% *it t eir strategy of intentional% met odical interference t roug t eir @artificial sync ronicities@% t eir (remeditated set+u(s and little =street+t eatre5 s$its t roug antici(ating your daily routine if you a'e one% &ut in ere *it my &oo$s and maga?ines% music% I@m t e master of my domain. 3r t at@s t e idea. / ey *ould a'e it so t at t ey (ermeate e'ery as(ect of your life% t oug ts% and existence% so your t oug ts% your life% your 'ery existence &ecomes as ro&otic and dreamli$e% ultimately unreal as t eirs. "nd t ey can do t at of course% &y &ugging your ( one line as *e all $no* no*% or t roug your mo&ile% * ic can trac$ your location and listen in on you% e'en * en you@re not using it% unless you s*itc it off 8and e'en t en% * o can &e sureG9. Just to carry on t is analogy% it seems o&'ious to me t is *ould a((en *it t e gro*t of tec nology. It@s t e control+frea$s * o@'e al*ays &een &ig on tec nology% so it@s ardly sur(rising it as gone and in and *it furt er sur'eillance measures% as *ell as a means of social control and

1>B

destroying (eo(le. I@m reminded of autistic $ids% adults *it ="s(ergers syndrome5 and t eir (reoccu(ation *it tec nology. / at@s * at t e *orld is no*, one &ig autistic terminally insecure control+frea$ $id. Its real terror is of .od% of t e reality of Ho'e t at mig t &rea$ in at any moment. 0ore accurately it5s t e egominds@ fear% t e (art *e identify *it % of c oosing t e decision+ma$er (art of t e mind outside of time and s(ace. I 6ust t oug t I@d t ro* t at in so *e@re clear. "s to * at it@s all a&out. I5m not claiming to &e any $ind of ex(ert% any $ind of aut ority on t is eit er. .od sa'e us from t e Ex(erts and s(ecialisation. / at@s ;uite a good meta( or. / e *orld as gi'en itself a*ay to s(ecialisation, its *ors i( of tec nology. "gain% I feel I5m stating t e =5&leedin5 o&'ious5 ere. I at isn@t o&'ious is some of its strategies% t e tric$s and games it as utilised tec nology for% glo&ally. I@m a*are only of t e ti( of t e ice&erg. I ex(erience only so muc . / e rest as to &e * at I@'e read and t e fe* (eo(le I@'e tal$ed to * o@'e ex(erienced t is co'ert (rogram% of% as one &lo$e on t e net (ut it% and a ( rase t at (erfectly descri&es it% as =unrelenting arassment5. /rue% its ;uite merciless for t e most (art. I do t in$ some (eo(le a'e a conscience a&out it as I say, t e ones * o a'e more or less &een coerced into it. -ut many ot ers% more so for t e most (art% relis it% as I@'e said. #on@t get me started. !an t ere &e anyt ing more exciting t an to &e gi'en t e green lig t to unt umansG / is used to &e t e (ro'ince of your a'erage scre*ed+u( serial $iller or mercenary. <o* t ey5re recruiting t e a'erage scre*ed+u( item in to do t e 6o&% utilising t eir 'e icles as *ea(ons of attac$% occasionally &y o'ertly staging @accidents@% &ut more often as a means of conditioning t roug im(lied t reat% suggestion. Ie@ll &e coming to t at as I rattle off a &unc of t e 'arious scenarios I5'e ex(erienced% as *ell as ot ers% and o* I@'e come to get a *ider (ers(ecti'e on t e su&6ect t roug t at. Iider t an it *as &efore any*ay% and e'er ex(anding% 6ust li$e t em and t eir oligarc em(ire. -ut I didn@t *ant to forget my initial analogy% suc as it *as. / e (aradoxical sense of freedom I@'e occasionally felt t roug t is. It could &e ;uite difficult to descri&e. It de(ends as muc on

1>K

o* far I *ant to go *it it. I often feel a sense of im(atience in trying to get too muc do*n% say too muc . It reminds of * en I first got &ac$ to art% dra*ing in my early t*enties and% &ecause I didn@t $no* * at to lea'e out% or% ;uite sim(ly *ouldn@t% I@d co(y a scene exactly. / at *as &ased as muc on fear t oug % if unconsciously. I *as (ro&a&ly so concerned a&out criticism 7 I did t em s(ecifically for selling 7 t at I $ne* on some le'el t at if t ey *ere @(erfect@+ and t ey *ere (retty (erfect as far as exactingly accurate *ent% t en t at *ould forestall any criticism. / e more @realistic@ it *as% t e &etter, certainly t e more @im(ressi'e@. 3r t at *as t e idea. / ey did loo$ good% &ut aside from t e minor success t ey *ere financially% it *as an exercise in (ointlessness. / e @(aradox@% t e irony% *as t ey *ere essentially lifeless% static. I@d suc$ed all t e fun out of t e ex(erience% &y su&ordinating% nay% dis(ensing *it s(ontaneity for tec nical accuracy. / e logical de'elo(ment *as to try and dra* as freely as (ossi&le% t en ta$e t at into (ainting 7 * ere I found myself in almost t e same tra( until I tried t e same a((roac % learning to com&ine &ot detail *it a definite looseness of tec ni;ue% as muc &ased on confidence de'elo(ed t roug (ractice% and some natural a&ility. Some (eo(le 6ust can@t seem to do @*et+in+*et@ *atercolour to sa'e t emsel'es% so to say. I@m not sure * y not, one (ic$s it u(% mostly unconsciously% @instincti'ely@% or your fingers =do5. It5s more accurate to say ones &rain does% &ut * at t e ell. / e &rain isn@t t e mind in any case. / is is * ere t e *orld% t e P/- a'e *ent *rong% in t at t ey@'e ne'er got it rig t. It@s not e'en t at t ey@'e yet to disco'er it% t ey acti'ely ignore it% su((ress it. / ey@re all 'ery &raincentric% as I said. 0ore s(ecifically% t ey@re left+&raincentric as some% suc as Ic$e a'e ex(anded on in all its im(lications. !olin Iilson as &een saying t is for decades% &ut no one as ;uite (ut it toget er% a((lying it to t e agenda of t e <I3LIlluminati ;uite li$e #a'id Ic$e. Ce@s correct of course. / ey *ant to loc$ e'eryone into left+&rain consciousness or a*areness, t e =myo(ic5% s(ecialising as(ect of t e &rain. "s *e all $no*% t e rig t &rain is t e =artist5% t e intuiti'e% t e (atternma$er.. 2urt er to t at% t e &rain as 0 to do *it t e mind

1>M

at all% and neit er as consciousness% * ic is t e domain of t e ego% t e le'el of (erce(tion% &ut ne'er mind. / e P/- a'e ne'er learned to loosen u(+ and lig ten u(. / ey *ant e'eryt ing exact% controlled. It@s all &ased on fear. 3ne could go furt er and say its all 6ust fear% not maliciousness% &ut I5'e ne'er ;uite understood t at. Dou could say maliciousness comes from t e ego% &ut as t e ego isn@t o&6ecti'ely real% t en any form of fear% of aggression% o*e'er maliciously% sadistically intended% isn@t real eit er. / at *ould &e in terms of a non+dualistic inter(retation. It@s (retty clear t at in t e dualistic *orld% many (eo(le get a great &ig $ic$ out of &eing cruel for its o*n sa$e. / ey (ositi'ely *allo* in it. 2or * ic reason% one can console oneself o'er t e t oug t t at t ey@re t e (ro'er&ial =losers5% t at e'eryt ing t ey touc % t eir relations i(s and t e rest% *ill come to noug t. / ey don@t understand t e first t ing a&out friends i( or lo'e% t oug as .urd6ieff said a&out t e latter% t is includes society as a * ole. <ot a * ole lot seems to a'e im(ro'ed since t en. / ey may seem to &e toget er in t eir large grou(s and connections% &ut t ey@re in it only for * at t ey can get indi'idually. / ere@s no real 6oining. / at@s t e (at etic (art. / eir t in$ing is t e same. It seems to &e co erent% 6oined% organised 7 a reflection of t eir (yramidal structure and 8com(artmentalised9 ierarc y% &ut on closer examination% you see t at eac contradicts t e ot er% t at t e * ole set+u( is insane and goes no* ere% and ne'er *ill, / at t ey@re 6ust one &ig &unc of time *asting% interfering tric$sters and &usy&odies li'ing in a dream *orld of t eir o*n ma$ing. Co* could it &e anyt ing else * en t e instigators% t e (er(etrators of NL11 *ere t emsel'esG / ey set t ese situations u( t en react to t eir o*n inter(retations% to suit t emsel'es% identifying *it t e ego of course% t e false self% t e im(ostor% 6ust as t e 2-I is doing no*% (re+em(ting mem&ers of t e 3ccu(y mo'ement &y setting t em u(% along *it ot ers. / ey@re out to confuse and tric$ t e * ole *orld &ecause t ey@re out to dominate t e * ole *orld% &y oo$ or &y croo$. / ey &elie'e t ey are t e *orld and t e *orld is t eirs, for t e ta$ing. / e glo&al @gang stal$ing@ system is 6ust anot er% if central as(ect of t eir goal of glo&al domination. / is is * at t ey@ll do *it

1>N

e'eryone once t ey attain t at goal. Peo(le are more su(erfluous under t is system t an t ey reali?e. I@m reminded of t e =Sondercommando5 in "usc *it? * o ad to go t roug t e &odies of t e gassed (risoners &efore t ey *ere cremated% remo'ing gold teet . / ey $ne* t at t ey t emsel'es *ere ex(enda&le% t at t ey *ould &e gassed and cremated too% in due time. / ere *as no real loyalty *it t e <a?is% exce(t to t eir o*n @elite@. "nd t at isn@t real et er. / ey@ll all &e fleeing into t e meta( orical forests and mountains in due time% one *ay or anot er. / at@s anot er (aradox of t is increasingly to(sy+tur'y *orld% t oug t e *orld as al*ays &een u(side+do*n, t at@s * at it *as made for, to confuse% to in'ert reality% as *ell as su&stitute for it. / e multi+stal$ing% co'ert =no+touc 5 torture% genocide (rogram is glo&al. / ere@s no* ere for anyone% targeted indi'iduals% to go. / e <I3 as turned t e * ole *orld into a (rison matrix for t em and is doing t e same for t e rest of t e (o(ulation% t roug t eir set+u(s and setting u( endless road c ec$(oints t oug t e /S" and random (olice sto(s etc.% as *ell as @c ec$s@ at &uses% malls% and * ere'er and * ate'er else / ey decide on% ma$ing it u( as t ey go% &ut as (art of a (remeditated agenda o'erall. <ot t at t e c ec$(oint as(ect e'er affects me at t is (oint, I don5t dri'e% or go any* ere. / ey a'e me rig t * ere I *ant t em% stuc$ in t is concrete matrix constructed around me and in t e (rocess of construction. E'ery street is a (etty little c ec$(oint no*% if a co'ert one% as *ell as a means to stal$% arass% t reaten% in6ure or $ill. / is is o* it *ill &e for e'eryone e'entually% * o doesn5t &ecome a (art of t e comedy -org mind. "ny oo% no* t at t ey &elie'e t ey o*n t e *orld% and t eir c osen targets are im(ostors% unli$e t emsel'es in e'ery *ay and t at @t eir@ *orld *ould &e far &etter off *it out t em% *e a'e t e (aradox of t e im(ostors% t e (roto+<a?i &elie'ing t eir targets% t e @/Is@ a'e no* ere to go as I said% * ile / ey rule t e *orld% unting t em do*n. /o ma$e matters *orse for t emsel'es% many @/Is@ &uy into t is confidence tric$% t is glo&al (syc ological sleig t+of+ and% if not actually &elie'ing

1B0

t emsel'es to &e outsiders% criminals% t en allo*ing t emsel'es to &e made to feel t ey are. I y else *ould t ey &e unted do*n% terrori?ed soG "nd it is terrorism% ma$e no mista$e a&out it. Protesters% @dissidents@% are seen as enemy com&atants% insurgents% and t e 3utsiders% in t e Iilsonian sense% t ose * o refuse to or a'en@t found a means to utilise t eir o*n talents in t e *orld% and &y inference% t e system% ta$ing t emsel'es at t eir o*n 'aluation% are seen as t e great undesira&les% contri&uting not ing, t e useless eaters% suc$ing u( and *asting t e efforts of t e good *or$ing tax(ayer% and treated as suc % ne'er mind it@s t e 'ery (eo(le t ey defend and do t eir dirty *or$ t at a'e al*ays &een t e (ro&lem. / at% and t ey@re not suc easy targets or sca(egoats. Ie a'e t e system *e5'e &een &roug t u( *it % and t at@s t e *ay it5s al*ays &een. I at *ould a different system do for t em in any caseG I at *ould it c angeG 3ne sunny afternoon at sc ool% #an !am(&ell t e *ood*or$ teac er ad t e class for t e afternoon instead of our usual Englis teac er. "s e (ro&a&ly $ne* little a&out Englis as a su&6ect e too$ it u(on imself to offer u( a little 'ignette of is ( iloso( y of life% * ic % admittedly% I found ;uite interesting% o*e'er condescendingly% also (atronisingly e meant it. Ce told &oys% girls and us ali$e% t at e'eryone finds t eir =nic e5 in life. I felt% intrinsically% t at it *as true for me% only my (ersonality% t e small self% $e(t getting in t e *ay. So I felt t e future *as far from certain for me &y any means% e'en t oug I $ne* @exactly@ * at I *anted to &e: &ot a roc$ star and a *riter, t e *riting mig t a'e to come a &it later. / ere *as also t e artistic talent as(ect% 6ust to com(licate t ings% considering my inclination to dra* *as (retty s(oradic as it *as% t oug * en I did% my dra*ings% suc as t ey *ere 7 suc as a co(y of t e ( otogra( of -o*ie inside t e cassette co'er of / e 0an I o Sold t e Iorld% *ere as detailed as a Rem&randt% almost as con'incingly realistic as t e ( otogra( itself 80y mot er *as a&out to t ro* it out one day &ut my younger &ro sto((ed er% telling er it *as a dra*ing% t oug for me t at only &egs t e ;uestion as to * y s e *as t ro*ing it out in any case, t is mig t ex(lain t e (artial

1B1

(u??le as to * y so many t ings *ent @missing@% ma$ing t e assum(tion friends *ere stealing from me9. -ut I digress. I at I5m saying is% t at * ate'er t e (olitical system% (eo(le aren@t going to magically mor( from taxi+dri'ers to s elf+ stac$ers. Just $idding. / ey@re not going to a'e a sudden career c ange to a great actor or *riter or * ate'er. <ot ing *ill c ange 'ery muc for t e not (articularly talented. / eir nic e (er a(s al*ays *as to trans(ort (eo(le from " to - and &ac$ again% t oug * o $no*s% may&e it@s as muc a matter of tem(erament. P ili( .lass used to dri'e a taxi to ma$e ends meet. I t in$ e did ouse re(airs too% or odd 6o&s. -o*ie did some ouse cleaning in is early days. Carrison -lade Runner 2ord did 6oinery *or$. <ot t at I t in$ e@s in t e same league% artistically% &ut it@s an interesting notion. #a'id Ic$e ;uite recently (ointed out t at it@s t e essential *or$er% t e a'erage *or$er t at@s treated as t e least im(ortant in society, t at t is is an intentional strategy of t e Elite% * ic sees t e e'eryday Joe as *ort less. Ce@s (ro&a&ly rig t. -ut * at t ey@re &eing im&ued *it no* is a false% fa$e sense of *ort t roug *or$ing for t e system 7 not 6ust to el( ma$e t e ric ric er as al*ays% &ut increase t e co'ert arassment% stal$ing Stasi system. <o* t ey5re *or$ing for @t e 0an@ in more *ays t an one. <o* t eir *ort is &eing truly 'alidated. <o* t ey@re &eing gi'en a reason% a (ur(ose% for t eir existence &y feeling t ey@re getting to do somet ing a&out it. <o% t ey@re an im(ortant cog in t e mac ine t at as demonstrated it genuinely cares a&out t em and t eir *elfareG 0y mista$e. 2ig t !lu& *asn@t a&out t e *ould+&e roc$ stars% *riters% artists% (oets, it *as a&out t e idden 0asonic structure% and t e @ornery Joe@s@% li$e -rad Pitt and is arum+scarum &uddies% t e not (articularly gifted and outstanding% t e taxi+ dri'ers and t e rest% of t e *orld. / ey@re t e ones * o mig t dream of and *ant to &e t e roc$ stars% t e famous actors li'ing in (lus mansions% a'ing some &eautiful model for a *ife% &eing escorted &y limos from one (restigious e'ent to t e next. / e *ould+&e actors% roc$ stars al*ays dreamed of t at &efore t ey got t ere. / e undistinguis ed or mediocre% t e e'eryday *or$erLs su((osedly acce(t t eir lot% t eir @nic e@ in life% * en t e

1B2

fact is t ey don@t. / ey5re some of t e most disgruntled% en'ious% resentful (eo(le around. I mention taxi+dri'ers &ecause I $no* t em to &e ent usiastic (artici(ants in @gangstal$ing@ for t e most (art. / ey fuc$ing ate me. <ot all of t em &y any means% &ut t ey a'e enoug to go round. / at@s t e (aradox 7 again 7 of t e situation. / ey ta$e it all so (ersonally% e'en t oug t ey don@t $no* me. I at t ey see is my (aintings u( against t e *indo*% to &loc$ out any (rying eyes from t e *or$s o((osite% if (artially, t eir *indo*s are ig er t an mine. I a'e t em u( instead curtains, my *indo* reac es too ig and it5s all too muc @ assle@ 8man9. / ey resent my talent% t oug t ey@re not t e only ones. I@'e ad 'arious di(stic$s ome+in'ading me% for t at@s * at t ey do. I at t ey@re not su((osed to do is nic$ your stuff if t ey@re so muc a&o'e you% as *ell as t e fact it goes against t eir self+decei'ing orses it a&out not acting li$e criminals. I@'e ad numerous (aintings mysteriously 'anis o'er t e years% and it *asn@t my mot er. 3r let@s o(e not+ s e@s &een dead since t e mid =N0s. / ey can easily rationalise t is% &y telling t emsel'es anyt ing t ey li$e% suc as t at I mig t &e or s ould or a'e made a small fortune from t em. It 6ust ne'er *ent t at smoot ly. / e art *orld is a (retty finic$y% y(ersensiti'e% elitist *orld in its o*n *ay. "dd to add t at I@'e suffered from fluctuating moti'ation artistically 7 s(ecifically (ainting% and% t at as far as *riting goes% my c osen form of self+ex(ression o'erall 7 I (refer it for its logical ex(licitness, I5m (ara( rasing !I on <iet?sc e. <ot to mention% t at t is system is acti'ely against its targets ma$ing any (rogress at all in t e *orld in any sense you care to mention. / is is / eir *orld% $ee( in mind, you@'e &een designated an undesira&le. 2or you to &e a success in any sense *ould &e a contradiction of t at inter(retation. !riminals don@t c ange t eir s(ots. / ey@re t ere to ma$e sure you don5t &ring a&out some ma6or cogniti'e dissonance to t eir ossified (reconce(tions. / at5s t e outcome t ey least desire. / at t is *ould &e of &enefit to t em also% as t e mind is one% let alone to resent anyone for * at t ey insist on &ringing a&out t emsel'es is ty(ical of t eir self+contradictory% self+defeating and literally insane orientation. It isn@t o(en for discussion. / ey@re not

1B3

interested in communication, t ey@re interested in entra(ment and murder. If you@re not *it t em in t eir insane goals and t oug t+ (rocesses% you@re against t em. Jerry Seinfeld% in one of is routines% once said 7 or reiterated% t at success is t e &est form of re'enge. <o* I &egin to understand it, no* I see * y. Ce did go on to ;uestion t at definition of success. !olin Iilson did t e same in% again% / e 0an Iit out a S ado*% or rat er% is semi+auto&iogra( ical c aracter% Sorme does * en *riting a&out !aradoc !unning am in is 6ournal% a c aracter &ased on "leister !ro*ley. !I *as al*ays more interested in t e 3ccult t an true ! ristianity as exem(lified in t e .nostics. Sorme% a *riter of course% *rites t at !unning am *ants a loud% unmista$a&le success% all trum(ets and (rocessions. Somet ing li$e !I5s. Ce *as *riting &ac$ in 1NB3% t oug e could a'e as easily ( rased it as t e $ind of success as ex(erienced &y a film star or roc$ star. !I imself ex(erienced a (retty uge% trum(eting success t roug t e (u&lication of t e 3utsider * en e *as 24 t roug t e Englis literary esta&lis ment at least% t oug t ey too$ it &ac$ later, &ut as e said% t ey couldn@t ta$e &ac$ * at t ey@d already gi'en. Ce also remar$ed on is o'ernig t success in relation to is contem(orary on t e ot er side of t e "tlantic% El'is. Sorme imself% ostensi&ly !I% said e *ants a far more lo*+$ey success, t at e measures success in terms of consciousness% t e mind% and is a&ility to master consciousness% or one mig t say% discern t e secrets of consciousness. So I5m *ildly (ara( rasing. It@s &een many years since I read it and I don@t a'e t e &oo$ to and% t oug it s ould &e around some* ere% under a great (ile in t e &edroom I o(e. -ut t at@s t e gist of it% and t e central o&session of is life. /o arness t e (o*er of consciousness% man@s idden de(t s% so e can &ecome a $ind of god% or redisco'er e is really a god in exile. "ll t at stuff. I ic is fine% until one comes o t e realisation t at t e self *e made is a su&stitute for our true Self. If *e already are a real Self% as 3ne% t en *e don@t need to &ecome se(arate @gods@% &ut only realise t at *e@'e ne'er &een se(arate from .od% nor are *e no*, *e only seem to &e, t e *orld is an illusion% a mass allucination% a

1B4

(ro6ection of t e mind. Remar$a&ly% incredi&ly% e touc es on as muc in is earlier% second no'el% "drift in So o% t e one t at mig t &e a film soon. I o(e so. "ny*ay% to *ra( u( t is little di'ersion% if a related one% t oug a furt er analogy occurred to me% one could (ut it t at !I is sim(ly reiterating t e difference &et*een t e out*ard tra((ings of success 7 t e out*ard definition% and an in*ard one. I ic is t e only t ing t at ma$es any real sense% &ecause as *e all feel cut off from our source% our true ome 8yes% in .od% reality% call it * at you li$e9% no *orldly success *ill e'er ameliorate t e sense of loss *e feel o'er t at. Ie all $no* t at an ade;uate income is more desira&le t an li'ing in (o'erty and t e difficulties t at stem from it. Sorme isn@t exactly (oor in t e no'el &ut e isn@t affluent eit er. Ce contem(lates is frayed cuffs &efore e goes in to see t e Sergei #iag ile' ex i&ition in !I5s first no'el% Ritual in / e #ar$. / ere5s also a moment * ere Sorme reflects on seeing a ric older man *it an ex(ensi'e car and younger girlfriend% saying e feels no en'y. Sorme is only t*enty+six at t e time. 2unnily enoug % e does get a younger girlfriend% !aroline% aged se'enteen. Pro&lem sol'ed. Sorme as a (ri'ate income% ne'er ;uite ex(lained as I only 'aguely recall, (er a(s from a ric &enefactor or deceased relati'e. / is sol'es t e (ro&lem of * at is main c aracter@s source of income s ould &e. I su((ose coasting along on t e dole *ould &e far too ignominious a state of affairs for a *riter of suc =future5 stature% t oug Scottis *riters don@t seem to a'e too muc trou&le *it it. !arl 0c#ougall comes to mind% t oug I didn5t finis is no'el. 8/ ere *as al*ays somet ing a&out !I t at gra&&ed my interest from t e outset. / e first &oo$ of is I read *as / e 3utsider% * en I *as se'enteen% t en Ritual in t e #ar$% t e first no'el% in (retty ;uic$ succession. /ell a lie% I read / e )iller * en I *as t irteen% stum&ling across it for c ea( in a &in in Iool*ort @s in #undee Cig Street9. Sorme% t e (ro'er&ial 3utsider of course% goes t roug life (retty efficiently% ma$ing all manner of (it y% insig tful o&ser'ations on all and sundry% *it out a'ing to concern imself o'er money inordinately% as *ell as meeting 'arious interesting c aracters% &ot semi+

1B>

deranged (ossi&ly% as *ell as 'ery talented as you@d ex(ect. "nd any*ay% !I *as already a literary success imself% li'ing on *riting alone. / ere *as no need to (ut is c aracter in a situation * ere t ere *ould &e more needless (ro&lems t an necessary. !I is $no*n for is a&ility to &lot out t e tri'ial. / e notion of *riting do*n almost e'ery detail *ould &e anat ema to im I@m sure. I did en'y im for is inde(endence% as I do anyone * ose artistic out(ut I admired. Ce@s still around% as far as I $no* t oug e suffered a se'ere stro$e recently. I en I tried coming u( *it a c aracter for a no'el% I *as ne'er ;uite sure * at t eir 'ocation s ould &e% namely t eir source of income% as I *as al*ays suc a &undle of seeming contradictory sel'es and @creati'e@ im(ulses. 0ainly it *ould centre on * et er it s ould &e a *riter * o (ainted or an artist * o *rote. !I used similar as(ects of is (syc e 8and t e *riters and artists discussed in / e 3utsider9 for t e c aracters t at made u( Ritual in t e #ar$% turning t em into a *riter% res(ecti'ely 7 = imself% as "ustin <unne t e murderer% t oug t is stemmed from !I@s interest in t e &allet dancer <i6ins$y and *anting to &e a dancer * en e *as in is teens 7 <unne *as is ( ysical side% and 3li'er .las( t e (ainter 7 t e emotional% and Sorme imself% t e intellectual% t oug !I said e imself doesn@t a'e any talent for dra*ing or (ainting. Ce stuc$ to muc t e same categories many years later * en analysing is o*n (anic attac$s% &ut I don@t t in$ t ey *ere ade;uate any more% suc as tal$ing a&out t e emotional &ody% t e =c ildis 5 as(ect of imself% t at% * en faced *it difficulties% *ants to lie in t e middle of t e road in a fit of (etulance% refusing to get u(. Ce5d said muc t e same t ing in / e P iloso( ers Stone &ac$ in t e late B0s. / at@s a&out o* I@m feeling no*adays. -ut I t in$ an ego (syc ology is far more a((lica&le. It did *or$ for im t oug % as e descri&ed in 0ysteries in 1NKM% and later in "ccess to Inner *orlds% in 1NM3. Ce said e also ex(erienced a far stronger sense of emotional control after t e struggles *it (anic attac$s. Jung said muc t e same t ing years &efore. / e .ree$ magus% #as$alos *ent on to say muc t e same t ing years later. I read is &oo$s in t e early

1BB

N0s, &ecause of !I I mig t add. Ce *rote a&out im in -eyond / e 3ccult. -ut getting &ac$ to t is &usiness of * at one mig t call t e t*o *orlds 8also discussed &y !I in is no'el / e Personality SurgeonO9, t e ego@s *orld and t e Real Iorld of t e mind% t e *orld t e non+-org 8 a9 are aiming for in t eir eart of earts and t at t e <I3 is so dead set against% targeting * at t ey see as mutants in t e (rocess% * ile t ey o(e to turn us all into mutants t emsel'es in t e interim t roug t e @interface@% t e merging of umans *it tec nology, @trans umanism@. / e irony is t at% as t e -i&le says% it5s t e mee$ * o *ill in erit t e eart , * ile t ese im(ostors (resume t ey *ill a'e dominion o'er t e eart fore'ermore * ile t e true in eritors ex(erience t emsel'es to &e omeless% disenfranc ised% outla*s% a'e @no* ere@ to go. "nd t at@s t e ludicrousness of t e situation. / ey s ouldn@t feel t ey a'e to go anywhere. / e *orlders a'e it &ac$ to front. / e (roto+<a?is *ill ne'er truly a'e dominion of t e eart . It5s a fantasy% a (ro6ection% a ologram. I t in$ most (eo(le% t ose in t eir rig t minds $no* t is. / ey $no* t ese (eo(le% t e *armongers% t e mani(ulators are deluded% and more s(ecifically% it@s against e'olution% or e'en .od as one mig t (ut it% t oug not ing can &e literally against .od as Ce@s not ing to do *it t e *orld of dualism. -ut / ey 7 and *e% can &elie'e *e can set oursel'es u( to &e against .od. It@s a&out t e ego@s *ar on .od% only t ere@s no *ar% and no *orld eit er, it@s all in our minds. / at means t ere@s no sin% guilt and fear eit er. 3ne learns more &y staying in t e same (lace% &y stic$ing around% you could say. I ate'er t e circumstances% (eo(le get used to you% t ey a'e to deal *it you, t ey get to $no* you des(ite t emsel'es. I *as t e &lo$e *it t e red nose. <ot my o*n nose &ut a (lastic one. I@'e since lost it% tossing it out on t e road% antici(ating t e &i$e t at *as a&out to come li$e cloc$*or$% only it *asn5t t e &i$e I t oug t% &ut anot er one. -ut a'ing dro((ed off some ru&&is % I *as &ac$ in t e flat to see it, Just a single instance. /ens% (ossi&ly undreds of t ese instances e'ery day from street to street. Dou can% if you so c oose% get &ogged do*n in it% trying to descri&e eac and e'ery instance% e'ery

1BK

'ariation and com&ination of cra?yma$ing t ey t ro* your *ay. Eac is designed s(ecifically for different targeted indi'iduals% a((arently. "side from t e fact t ere isn@t enoug time in t e day to descri&e it all% and t at neit er *ould I *ant to s(end my time on 6ust t at 7 t ere are far more (leasant t ings to t in$ a&out and do% suc as read% or *atc a mo'ie or * ate'er% t e P/- a'e t eir *ays and means to a'e it all so*n u( in any case% &y designating 'arious acti'ities t at mig t el( aid memory &y $ee(ing trac$ of t eir acti'ities 7 arassment% o&'iously t roug note+ta$ing for one 7 as (otentially terrorist acti'ities. / e same for 6ust a&out any counter+strategy you mig t care to mention% suc as sim(ly filming t e o&'ious -S% as *ell as ta$ing ( otogra( s% t oug film is far &etter, I can see t e (rogression% as *ell as (redict muc of it in ad'ance due to t e fact t eir arassment is &ased on $no*ing your route in ad'ance. It can in effect *or$ &ot *ays% and against t em for t at reason. -ut t eir (seudo anti+terrorist @la*s@ intentionally stymie t at &y trying to outla* suc counter+measures% not to mention t at anyone * o says t ey@re &eing arassed% stal$ed &y multi(le (artici(ants *ill &e accused of some $ind of mental derangement% ergo% t is means t ey@re a (otential danger to t emsel'es% ergo t ey can &e treated as a (otential terrorist too. / ey a'e it all so*n u(% again setting u( t e situations and inter(reting it as t ey see fit to suit t eir o*n ends. It@s ;uite o&'ious% once you $no* * at@s going on and * at t e agenda is. It@s to silence (eo(le. -ut ta$ing sna(s in t e street% or filming% isn@t against t e la*% nor is filming (olice for t at matter% t oug many of t em get &allistic a&out it% as is clear from t e accounts on t e Internet. "s for anyone trying to counter &eing targeted% all / ey a'e to do is set u( a situation * ere @concerned@ citi?ens o&6ect to you and your camera. / ese are (art of t e standard set+u(s% t oug 6ust one of many% if a central one. <e'er mind t at it@s 6ust an extension% and exacer&ation of t e o'erall strategy of terror on t eir o*n (art% a means of suc$ing you into t eir *e& of guilt and attem(ted demoralisation% of *asting your time and resources on t is orses it% t in$ing of t e means to mo'e% to @esca(e@% * en t e same set+u(s are ta$ing (lace in e'ery to*n in e'ery modern%

1BM

industrialised county. =Pre+trial di'ersion5 (rograms may &e 6ust a form of coercion% of &rain*as ing% as *ell as to find out * at you $no* or t in$ you $no* and stitc you u( furt er *it it if need &e% t oug I a'e t e 1S model in mind. "nd t ey clearly see a need. / ey5'e &een 'ery consistent% 'ery conscientious of late. / is is 6ust t e latest de'elo(ment, t eir strategy to a'e you committed% (refera&ly. <o* t ey can gi'e it anot er go% see if you can &e (ersuaded to oist yourself &y your o*n (etard% incriminate yourself *it your o*n *ords. / ese are my *ords% or some of t em. I@'e 0 to say to suc (eo(le. It@s all 6ust one &ig glo&al collusion. "nd if t at sounds cra?y to t em% *ell let@s remem&er *e@re not ;uite li'ing in t e dar$ ages no*% (syc ologically and information+*ise% muc as t ey *ould (refer us still to &e in t e dar$. / at@s t e almost funny (art% certainly t e (at etic (art among many. / ere is fundamentally an old *orld *ay of t in$ing, t ey so re(resent t e old *orld+ com&ined *it t e most state+of+t e+art% so( isticated tec nology of course. !le'erness% ego% as *ent and+in+ and *it tec nological de'elo(ments. <o* *e a'e an insane tec nocracy% ruled &y (syc o(at s. "nyone * o doesn@t $no* t is or refuses to see it is li'ing *it t eir ead stuc$ in t e sand. "nyone * o mig t try and tell me t is *orld is in good and ca(a&le ands% t at t e system as our &est interests at eart is eit er a liar or deluding t emsel'es. / is *orld is moti'ated &y deat and t e &elief in t e reality of guilt. "ll t is -S% all t ese s enanigans% $ee(ing t e status ;uo going% t e ne'er ending cycle of guilt% seen in ot ers% to di'ert attention and (rotect t e @&ig &oys@ at t e to(% t e real funsters. / ey see t eir targets as losers &ut t ey@'e no conce(tion of * at @a loser@ means. " loser is someone * o &elie'es t ey can gain at t e ex(ense of someone else. It@s a (osition of total arrogance and t e ex(ression of t e &elief in se(aration% a confidence tric$ of t e ego% as is t e * ole ( enomenal uni'erse, a cosmic confidence tric$. It@s all a 6o$e. / ese (eo(le are self+ deluding fools. / e a((arent (ro&lem (ro&a&ly *on@t or can@t &e sol'ed &y trying to ta$e it some* ere else t oug . "s "!I0 says% t is is trying to sol'e a (ro&lem t roug fantasy. It says a * ole lot else

1BN

&esides% in Setting / e .oal% &ut you can c ec$ it out for yourself if you@re e'er so inclined. Suffice it to say I don@t &elie'e in running. / ey@'e ne'er *anted me to in any case% as far as I can see. / e goal is to enmes me in t is localised matrix% t is microcosmic as(ect of t e co'ert =no+touc 5 torture (rogram. I a'e t en rig t * ere t ey *ant me. It mig t &e &etter if I@d actually ta$en ( otogra( s. / ey got *ay too confident t emsel'es% &y a long s ot and still are. / ey don@t a'e muc c oice if t e goal is to *ear me out% demoralise me t roug t e constant s*arming% t e multi+stal$ing% t e suggestion% anc oring% sensitisation, all as(ects of t eir arassment =(rotocol5. I@m a mar$ed man. I@'e &een designated for extinction% deat % suicide% incarceration% and generally running out of t e little cas I get. " scre* u(% a moments miscalculation could *ell fuc$ u( t is accommodation% losing all my stuff% mainly &oo$s% 'ideota(es, and t e com(uter of course% my *riting% suc as it is. I lost t e last lot &y lea'ing t e data stic$ in a com(uter some* ere. /y(ical. "ll I ad to do *as do*nload it to t e com(uter as a (recaution of course, a matter of common sense% &ut I didn@t% e'en t oug I ad a loud 'oice% my o*n% t e 'ery nig t &efore% telling me to do 6ust t at and sto( &eing so rec$less. I@d left it too late in t e e'ening% often morning in my case% t en &y t e time I *as u( t e next day and got ready% ad to &e out% ta$ing t e flas dri'e *it me after my camera *ent missing. 0ost of t e time I@'e left it in t e com(uter and it@s &een o$ay% $no*ing t at to ta$e it out *it me is al*ays a ris$% a gam&le. "nd u( to t en I ad succeeded in $ee(ing trac$ of it. / e (ro&lem no* as &een and is t e u(surge in arassment. #istraction *or$s% as it did t is time. If my mind adn@t &een so muc on it% oo$ed &y it I@d (ro&a&ly a'e remem&ered to go &ac$ sooner for t e memory stic$. /y(ically% it *as some days &efore I got &ac$ to t e (lace. <o sign if it% of course. I@m tal$ing a&out an organisation I don5t fully trust in any case% it5s as li$ely it *as (oc$eted. I o(e t ey@re en6oying t e fruits of my la&our% or s ould I say ram&lingsG It *as a * ole no'el5s *ort % as *ell as some undred (ages of earlier *ritings% t oug I still a'e muc of t at. I lost a lot of se(arate% s orter (ieces too. It really is a drag. I a'en@t &een &ac$

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for *ee$s. I o $no*s% may&e &y some miracle my &i? ad'isor *ill a'e reco'ered it% and it@s &een t ere since% *aiting for me all along. 2at c ance. "nd it *ould certainly fuc$ u( some of t is lot% for I@'e touc ed on some of t e same t emes again. <o* I5m *riting li$e a madman to co'er as muc as I can% (laying catc + u(. I@ll add to it as I go along% and t en u(load it as a @finis ed@ *or$ for sale too% * en it (asses for com(lete. I at am I% a ne'er+ending c arityG I5'e ad free *riting u( for years. I@'e ad a * ole 'olume% no'el lengt , *ritten in long and% it 'anis ed from t e flat. E'eryt ing I (roduce is nic$ed% lost% or gi'en a*ay for free. <ot al*ays% as in t e case of art% &ut *riting. / en cameras. "rt@s t e only t ing I e'er made any money from. I@m (retty good no*. 4ery good% I su((ose. / e (ro&lem is I don5t *ant to t in$ a&out it any more once I@'e done it. I s ould@'e found myself an agent years ago. -ut after earing * at Ral( Steadman said a&out a'ing an agent dictating *or$ targets to im% t at (ut me off. Ce asn@t used one since. In is case t oug % e@s consistently (rolific 7 (resuma&ly ne'er in t*o minds o'er is c osen 'ocation% as *ell as distinctly original% or originalis . 0y (aintings a'e a (assing resem&lance to t e "ustrian artist -ern ard 4ogel% * o I *ors i( li$e a god. <ot really% &ut I do lo'e is style% if not al*ays is su&6ects. Incredi&ly 7 and I $no* t is is t e standard denial of many artists% only% t is a((ens to &e true 7 I came to a ;uite similar style inde(endently. I t in$ it (artly stems from loo$ing at t e *or$ of gra( ic artists, comics% *it t eir * ite ig lig ts. I came to really li$e t at effect. I et er I too$ it from t em or stum&led on it &y a((y serendi(ity is anyone5s guess% &ut I@d often used * ite to co'er a multitude of sins% &y * ic I mean mista$es% t en found * en it didn@t ;uite co'er t em sometimes% realised it could also &e used to (leasing effect% o*e'er fro*ned u(on t is mig t &e &y t e (urists. Hac$ing in confidence as al*ays% it *as a re'elation of sorts to stum&le across 4ogel@s *or$. 3r t at *as t e idea. I *as ne'er ;uite enamoured &y some of is su&6ects% suc as t e Couses of Parliament% t e Ri'er / ames etc. / ese *ere 6ust (art of t e !ity% t e financial district% and% if you li$e Illuminati !entral% t oug I su((ose t at *ould a'e to &e -uc$ing am

1K1

Palace too. "dmittedly I@'e ne'er seen im do any 'ie*s of t at. Det% I@'e done 'ie*s of Colyrood Palace% ere in Edin&urg . I at a y(ocrite e G I li$ed t e design of t e &uilding% its anti;uity. / e same reason 4ogel@s renditions of t e Couses of P are so outstanding. Ce $no*s * at to lea'e out% and &rings it all to 'i&rant life *it is c oices of colour and incredi&le mixes and lig ting effects. Ce succeeds in creating a truly mystical ;uality% a$in to music. I@ll tal$ myself &ac$ into it if I $ee( t is u(. I@m certainly su((osed to &e (ainting again. " (art of me as al*ays seen it as (ointless% t at it couldn@t &e any more innocuous a 'ocation. !an t ere &e anyt ing more (ointless t an to &e a reflection of one5s en'ironmentG / at@s o* I feel * en I t in$ a&out rendering a &uilding scene. / e reality isn@t ;uite t e same% t oug it *as * en I made a c ore of it as I said. -ut *it t e rig t a((roac % a (ainting% a landsca(e% can seem to come ali'e. It de(ends on * at you *ant to do *it your time% and * at you t in$ it5s for. It@s ironic% again% t at *riting can feel far too su&'ersi'e an acti'ity 7 t oug t at5s somet ing I feel I@'e (artly &een t ro*n into. I@m not saying I a'en@t &een gi'en muc c oice: I tend to &e (ro'ocati'e% ma$ing t ings *orse for myself in a sense% t oug t at5s as muc an as(ect of turning t e ta&les% or it is if I@d follo* t roug % catc t em out as intended. <ice t ey get o'erconfident% in s ort% try and destroy me. I don5t a'e to (ro'e it5s ta$ing (lace in e'ery instance. 3r% to (ut it anot er *ay% I don5t a'e to (ro'e it all t e time. I a'e only to (ro'e it once% &ut in multi(le terms. If it can ta$e (lace one day% it can ta$e (lace e'ery day. "nd t ere@'e &een countless instances * ere I@'e ad t e o((ortunity. I a'e only to o(en t e front door. "rmed *it a 'ideo camera. -ut I digress% em em. 3r *as I digressing and *e@re getting &ac$ to t e su&6ect in andG "ny*ay ... (ainting ad felt far too innocuous for t e most (art% or I feel a &it silly (ainting outrT su&6ects% suc as =aliens5 or @religious@% or daring (syc ological t emes% if (artly &ecame I5m not ;uite sure o* to go a&out it. Handsca(es% (ortraits etc.% are 6ust t ere% to &e inter(reted at *ill% u(setting% offending no one% unli$e some of my *riting. 2or * ic reason% *riting tends to feel more

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aut entic% exce(t t at I feel li$e t*o (eo(le at t e least% eac (ulling in different directions. I t oug t may&e I s ould $ee( t e *riting to myself% as a 6ournal% and t at *ay I could feel comforta&le *riting * ate'er t e ell I li$ed% at least in t eory% &ut mainly in t at I@d feel unselfconscious a&out *riting in a *ay I don5t * en I $no* it@s for @t e (u&lic@, * ome'er t ey are% exactly. / at% and I don@t ;uite trust t e *orld% e'en if it is solely a (ro6ection of my o*n mind. #e'elo(ments o'er t e (ast t*enty% t irty years *ould seem to confirm my sense of reser'ation% e'en caution. I al*ays $ne* t e narcissists% t e (assi'eLsnea$y+ aggressors *ere a (ro&lem. !I ne'er (reoccu(ied imself *it it muc % exce(t in later years, e ;uotes a 6udge on serial $iller Jo n Iayne .acy% * o descri&ed im as a narcissist, an extreme one. -efore t is e5d ne'er ad anyt ing to say a&out it% not &eing (rone to using or seeing t ings in suc standard (syc ological terms% one mig t say. I do recall im as$ing% in t e case of =t e <ig t Stal$er@% Ric ard Ramire?% * y "merica tends to (roduce suc extreme socio(at s. Iell loo$ at it no*. / e ma6ority seem to &e mor( ing into socio(at s% or re'ealing t emsel'es for t e socio(at s t ey al*ays *ere. Het@s face it% t e country 7 and let@s not forget it5s (retty uge 7 as *ent fuc$ing nut?. It@s one &ig grou(t in$. / ey@'e &ecome t eir o*n lies and mani(ulations. In'enting a constant enemy% one after t e ot er% as t e tactics of t e In;uisition. "s P ili( ). #ic$ said% in Radio 2ree "l&emut % Rome ne'er fell. It5s *ort re(eating. Ic$e as reiterated muc t e same t ing *it out ac$no*ledging im. #ic$ &elie'ed in t e Second !oming% &ut t at5s anot er story. I lost most of my (re'ious *riting touc ing on it% and I@'e since c anged my mind a&out muc of it in any case. / at% and it5s getting a &it late in t e day% so I@ll come &ac$ to it if need &e. I@ll go along *it t is =t oug t ex(eriment5 (retty muc * ere'er it ta$es me. I do tend to get &ored *it my o*n t oug ts% or don@t trust in t e 'eracity of many of t em% so I li$e to go &ac$ to reading% exam(les% and illustration. /rying to (ut it toget er ma$es it all more interesting for me% as *ell as not feel too caug t u( in t is c aracteristic sense of t e im(ossi&le% of feeling tra((ed t at t e ego engenders. / at@s anot er as(ect of t e confidence tric$ of t is system. It@s to

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a'e t e target feel t at t eir o(tions are increasingly truncated% t at t eir ori?ons gro* dim% t e future uncertain% (ositi'ely &lea$, &asically to instil a sense of doom% let alone a constant fore&oding. It@s t e essence of &ullying. -y constantly s*arming% t roug &i$es in my case% as *ell as an intentional con'ergence of 'e icles on one5s route 7 as soon as I ste( out of t e door in fact% for first im(ressions and reinforcement counts% as *e all $no* 7 t e goal is to ma$e targets t in$ and feel t at t e * ole *orld is against t em% a'e t em feel constantly o((ressed% *orn do*n &y ostility% and suggested as *ell as actual t reats. Hoo$ in t e *rong direction% &ecome distracted% as t ey intend% and &efore you $no* it you@re *al$ing into a car. It@s a((ened to me a num&er of times, or I@'e allo*ed it to a((en. / at *ould of course% &e seen as a genuine% if unfortunate accident. -ut if t ere is a met odical and consistent cam(aign to disorientate a (erson 7 and o&'iously% if you don5t $no* * at t e ell is going on% it could (ray on you in many ot er *ays% suc as losing slee(% or suffering from anxiety @disorders@% or (anic attac$s% t is is going to affect your e'eryday functioning% ma$ing you all t e more 'ulnera&le% accident+(rone% forgetful. "nd if a car or a 'an or a taxi doesn5t get you% (syc iatry *ill ... &e rig t t ere *it a con'enient diagnoses to tell you exactly * at t e (ro&lem is and * at you need to ta$e to ma$e it all &etter. "s I said% t ey a'e it all so*n u(% or so t ey t in$. / at@s o* cree(y t ings are no*adays% and% as I say% t e ti( of t e ice&erg% as you@ll $no* t roug reading Ic$e@s &oo$s and ot ers% or e'en 6ust $ee( u( *it is Ceadline@s (age% along *it ot er alternati'e ne*s sites% and disco'eries and fa'ourites of your o*n% needless to say.

1K4

I5m t in$ing again a&out t e &lo$e I met some mont 5s &ac$% t e council *or$er ere% an ac;uaintance of an ac;uaintance. Ce5d got into a fig t% t roug no fault of is o*n a((arently. Ce *as sac$ed from is 6o& and &anned from t e town. E-anned from t e S ireF as e so amusingly and a((ositely (ut it 7 in t e sense of / e Co&&it% or Hord of / e Rings. Cilarious. / at5s o* I understood it any*ay. 0ar$ed for deat % as far as I can ma$e out% is less amusing. Dou find out * o your friends are. / ey do too. -ut ell% I *as al*ays mar$ed for deat &y t e narcissists% from my mot er on*ards. / ose socio(at teac ers at sc ool% o* t ey ated me. <ot all of t em of course. Some of t em *ere normal% or as normalLsane as could &e under t e circumstances. Some of t em e'en li$ed me. I *as certainly li$ed at Primary Sc ool. I al*ays ad (als. I al*ays ad (eo(le * o li$ed me. I a'e (eo(le * o (artici(ate in t e stal$ing * o li$e me e'en no*. I@m t e =funny guy5 *it t e red (lastic nose% or *as. / e one t at free?es in t e street in a *al$ing (ose to antici(ate t e traffic t at *ill try and catc me as I reac t e cornerLs% 6unctions, all (art of t e conditioningL5anc oring5 (rocess% &ased on <HP 7 <euro Hinguistic Programming. It5s all 'ery cle'er% @(syo(s@, (syc ological *arfare (rograms. / e militarising of t e streets% turning t em into =t eatres of *ar5% if co'ertly, e'eryt ing P)# (redicted and more, t is% along *it t e militarising of t e (olice% as *ell as ot er related% formerly domestic (rograms. Ie@re not su((osed to &e a*are of any of t is. It5s to &e 6ust t ings t at are inflicted on us% games (layed on us. / e @(er(s@% t e =gaslig ters5%

1K>

t e cle'er idiots claim ignorance 7 and t ey certainly are ignorant as to t e o'erall agenda 7 and t e rest% t e minions% t oug t ey5re all minions% lac$eys% =t e man in t e street5LJoe Soa(% are actually ignorant and too frig tened to e'en consider t e (ossi&ility t is could &e a((ening let alone * at t e o'erall agenda could &e. /a$ing (art is in itself a form of (ro6ection and denial. / e @creation@ of t e comedy -org% t e i'e mind% connected to a centralised com(uter% a one+*orld army% go'ernment and religion, I don@t ;uite understand t e ne* *orld religion (art. I t oug t t ey *ere su((osed to &e a &unc of at eists * o decided to a&olis .od in a meeting in Edin&urg &ac$ in 1N13 as (art of t e o'erall <I3LIlluminati aim. I t in$ it *as in Ic$e@s And the Truth Shall Set You Free. Ce@s since said t at t e @Iorld /eac er@ 8t e @0atraiya@ of S are International9 is a <I3 front. I@m not sure * at t e ell it is. It@s all *ra((ed u( @t e <ine@ 7 t e return of t e Egy(tian =Star .ods@ 7 of / e 3nly Planet of ! oice and ot ers suc as / e 2012 Scenario *e&site. Dears &ac$% in 1NNM% Hynn Pic$ett and !li'e Prince (u&lis ed / e Stargate !ons(iracy% connecting t e <ine *it a co'ert agenda of t e intelligence agencies% a fifty year (lan% t roug 'arious c annelled sources% including "leister !ro*ley and is c annelled source% "tum% as *ell as "ndri6a Pu aric % 1ri .eller@s mentor. In is &iogra( y of .eller% e *rote t at t e <ine 7 t e original Egy(tian gods of old according to t e later 3nly Planet of ! oice 7 claimed to &e t e source of .eller@s a&ilities. .eller as long since distanced imself from t em% and * o can &lame imG ! annelled material from =t e <ine5 and 'arious ot er sources is still 'ery muc ongoing. It@s all tied u( *it t e =galactics5 7 8"s tar !ommand% and9 t e .alactic 2ederation of Hig t% or% as I (referred to call t em% t e .alactic 2eds. / ey@re still em( asising t at @"scension@ is immanent, t e s ift from 3# to ># consciousness. I@'e forgotten * at 4# consciousness re(resents% &ut clearly it isn@t for us. / is *ill &e t e muc lauded and (romised @;uantum a*a$ening5% coinciding *it @galactic sync ronisation@% a ;uasi+cosmic con'ergence of (lanetary e'ents% as t ey line u( *it t e @galactic core@% t e central sun etc.% of t e

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0il$ *ay. !orrect me if I@'e added anyt ing or missed anyt ing out. It@s late no* and I need my cocoa. I &elie'ed it all% t roug )en !arey@s *ritings% es(ecially / e / ird 0illennium% (u&lis ed in 1NN0. Cec$% t e economic meltdo*n came a&out% as (redicted. / e only (ro&lem *as% is arc angelic extraterrestrial sources re(eatedly stated t at t e ;uantum instant% galactic sync ronisation% @t e 0illennium of ! ristian (ro( esy5% t e Second !oming itself% *ould ta$e (lace &y #ecem&er 21% 2011 last year, t e day after my &irt day% as it a((ens. 1ri .eller@s too. <ot ing a((ened of course. / e more standard date for t is e'ent is #ecem&er 21% 2012. 3ne could say% ;uoting t e do*n+and+out in <ic$ Roeg@s film% Eure$a% t at it ain@t o'er until it5s o'er. / ere@s a lot of good in t e messages currently &eing c annelled t roug t e .alactic 2eds and ot ers% &ut * o claim to &e more t an con'ersant *it t e meaning of non+dualism, t ey% or t e c anneller% t en includes t e occasional message from @.od@. / is of course% is a&surd% as .od as not ing to do *it t e *orld of time and s(ace% as *ell as s(ace and time% * ic are a (art of t e s(atial+tem(oral (erce(tion of t e ego+ mind% as is consciousness. <eale #onald Ialsc @s &oo$ comes to mind too, !on'ersations Iit .od. Cis source e'en claims to a'e *ritten " !ourse in 0iracles% * ic is ludicrous. / e (eo(le t at are ent usiastic a&out 2012% suc as -ar&ara 0arx Cu&&ard seem to a'e no a*areness of t is% or see it as irrele'ant. I really li$ed er c annelled &oo$ / e Re'elation% t oug I@m going &ac$ to t e mid+<ineties. I seriously dou&t anyt ing *ill a((en &y t e end of 2012 eit er% no*. -ut I still feel a fre;uent sense of o(timism% of a((iness e'en. I@ll see if I can (ut my finger on it in some *ay tomorro*. Hater today% t at is. It@s 2 am. / at% and t at5s o* t is (rogram of co'ert aggression as seriously mis6udged me in more *ays t an one. I actually like s(ending a lot of time on my o*n. / ey assume I t in$ li$e t em% t at I need to surround myself *it (eo(le, t at *it out t em I@m alone.

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Monday -ut I got a &it a ead of myself. I@m t in$ing a&out Jesus again, and Ro&ert "nton Iilson on P ili( ). #ic$. "ccording to R"I% P)# in is last days% and t e last days according to P)#% *as ta$ing t e idea of t e 0atraiya or Iorld /eac er seriously, t e su(erguru of sorts c am(ioned &y -en6amin !reme and S are International. / is is someone * o% according to a lecture and slides o* I *ent to &y t e local c a(ter of t e organisation% says% some* at (redicta&ly% t at Jesus *as 6ust anot er teac er among many% (a'ing t e *ay for t e greatest teac er of t em all in so many *ords% and more t an 6ust inference. <eedless to say% t e Iorld /eac er rattles off a &unc of semi+<e* "ge (latitudes *it no a((arent a*areness of non+dualism at all. / e im(ortance of non+dualism is t at it5s central to t e understanding of forgi'eness 7 it inges on it 7 true forgi'eness% not forgi'eness as t e *orld understands it% * ic % as Jesus (uts it in one of t e su((lements of t e !ourse% is =forgi'eness+to+destroy5. <ot t at I@m saying t e message *as all &ad or negati'e &y any means, it sounded nice, it made some sense. It@s 6ust t at for me% it *as a &it su(erficial. It mig t &e useful for some. " course In 0iracles isn@t t e only *ay to t e Real Iorld% to a((iness% ea'en% * ate'er you c oose to call it% t oug enlig tenment isn@t t e goal of t e !ourse% as far as I $no*, acce(ting t e "tonement for oneself is. I ic &rings me% if tangentially% to * at I *as t in$ing a&out as I lay in a semi+stu(or t in$ing a&out getting u(% 6ust earlier. I ad t e radio on too loud to truly drift &ac$ off% classical music% so I $e(t getting t ese surreal associations of *ords and images again% t e &eginning of t e (rocess of dreaming% only% t ese *ere a'ing a &it of a struggle to suc$ me into t eir s(ell of slee(iness% * ic meant continually coming &ac$ to myself% or% not ;uite losing myself in t em% I could examine t em at relati'e leisure in t e same *ay I can examine a face I@'e 6ust seen in t e street after I (ass t e (erson. Somet ing li$e t at, it@s all a 'ery intriguing &usiness. I@m assuming most (eo(le can do t is% s(ecifically% t e examining ( ysogs at leisure in (assing (art. <ot

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unless I a'e some $ind of ( otogra( ic memory, &ut I don@t t in$ so. I@m @good@ at faces% retaining t em in memory for minutes at a time% as I say% t oug o&'iously *e a'e a longer+ term memory% &ut I5m as (rone as anyone to getting (eo(le and faces mixed u(% confusing t em for someone else etc. -ut it5s al*ays &een interesting to me t at *e a'e t is faculty of s ort+ term imaging one mig t call it. Some autistics can recall * ole s*at es of images of course% and retain it in memory at *ill% li$e t e &lac$ $id% Ste( en Iilts ire% * o did t ose com(lex dra*ings of Hondon. E'en if e@d done t em from a ( otogra( it *ould still &e (retty ama?ing. It@s a ellu'a lot of com(lexity and detail to organise in relation to eac ot er, some* at of a 'isual% artistic nig tmare. -ut artists tac$le t ese com(lexities all t e time. If I try it I &egin to find myself o'ercome &y a sense of ennui. I start to t in$ a&out a&stracts and t ro*ing (aint around% t at I s ould &e out for a *al$% or in &ed *it some Ru&enes;ue moist &int. I@m getting off+trac$ ere. /oo late. -ut yes% t e @essence@ of dreams as you notice% actually (ercei'e% o* t oug ts s a(e t emsel'es into images t roug t e most unex(ected and incom(re ensi&le of associations. Hucid dreaming is (ro&a&ly t e most interesting as(ect of all% if *e $ee( it in terms of relati'ely common ex(erience and com(re ension% and not include slee( (aralyses% (ossi&le alien a&duction% if t ere is suc a t ing 7 t oug I@'e little dou&t t ere is 7 and it5s not 6ust anot er co'ert (syo(s (rogram of t e military+industrial+com(lex% t oug it could &e t at too. I ex(erience it all too rarely t oug , lucid dreaming% not alien a&duction. I find t at almost as soon as I &ecome a*are of it% I come &ac$ to myself% so to s(ea$% I@m soon a*a$e again. / is mig t &e (artly due to my learned a&ility to @come &ac$ to myself@ * en I a'e a nig tmare% * ic is 'ery rarely no*adays. @Real life@ tends to &e nig tmaris enoug as it is. I en I do ex(erience some un(leasant e'ent in a dream% some unex(ected and distur&ing turn of e'ents% I find I can eit er deal *it it directly% * et er &y ignoring or attac$ing it 7 &asically 6ust (leasing myself 7 or I mentally% emotionally *it dra* from it% feeling my a*areness rise *it in me, t ere@s definitely a sense of rising

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u(*ards% sometimes t roug 'arious le'els% until I@m &ac$ in t e land of t e (seudo+li'ing. I@m (artly 6o$ing of course% &ut I say t at &ecause as e'ery !ourse student $no*s% t is isn@t life, t e *orld isn@t real, e'en if most of us don5t truly &elie'e t at. Ie@re good at (aying li( ser'ice to it t oug % (retending *e do. I can &ut try. -ut t e con'iction does seem to a'e long (ermeated my dreaming ex(erience. " (art of me $no*s% * ile dreaming% t at it5s not real. "lternati'ely% I@'e &een almost ta$en in &y lucid dreaming% &elie'ing it to &e real. In one dream t ere *as suc a ( antasmagoria of detail I *as truly go&smac$ed. It *as as if I *ere in some sort of sultan@s (alace (ainted &y .usta'e 0oreau% only far *ilder% e'en more o(ulent, &ut t at5s dreams for you. I *ent from all to all% ta$ing it all in until couldn@t sustain t e fantasy% t e dream% any longer. I (ro&a&ly could, I5m sure t e imaginati'e ca(acity is 'irtually limitless. I at I couldn@t sus(end any longer *as my sense of dis&elief 7 or s ould t at &e &eliefG "s soon as I &ecame self+conscious a&out it% a*are of myself dreaming t e dream% it &ecame im(ossi&le to a'oid *a$ing, in t e same *ay t at you can try and a'oid or ignore somet ing. Dou can% &ut you $no* it5s t ere. In t e case of slee(ing% you@re a*a$e &efore you $no* it.

So yea % I *as t in$ing a&out Jesus Q in t e dream. <ot my dream% t oug it is my dream too 7 &ut t e *orld@s dream. / at

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*as is dream too% &ut e $ne* it *as only a dream. "nd t at e *asn@t only a figure in t e dream% &ut t e dreamer of t e dream, t at e *as dreaming t e *orld% t e *orld *asn@t dreaming im. Ce *as in control of is destiny% * ate'er seemed to a((en. I *as t in$ing as *ell% of t e fact t at e didn@t feel any (ain% during t e crucifixion, t at (ain is &ased on (ro6ection% of anger. Ce didn@t (ro6ect &ut ex(erienced and extended only lo'e and com(assion to*ards is a((arent tormentors% $no*ing t eir actions stemmed from fear. I don@t really &elie'e t at eit er% &ut I@m sure a (art of me does. I o(e I do% if (us e'er comes to s o'e. "s I say% t e * ole conce(t does seem to a'e (ermeated some as(ect of my (syc e% for it@s t ere in my dreaming, my a*areness t at t e *orld is a dream% a (ro6ection of t e mind% a mass allucination% call it * at you *ill% and I *ill, a mutually agreed on ologrammatic ex(erience of dualism. / at old c estnut. Iit t e &enefit of indsig t+ and t at@s often t e case *it me% t e tem(tation for most of us is to (retend it@s t e ot er *ay a&out% as arc +at eist and musician -rian Eno once so *ryly (ut it% or% more accurately% didn@t% for I@m (ara( rasing, &ut t at *as t e gist of it. I at a *iseacre% to (ara( rase .urd6ieff. Ce li$es to get u( at > am e'ery morning e said% &ecause t at *ay% e as most of is day5s *or$ done% * ate'er musical or artistic (ro6ect e@s *or$ing on% * ile most (eo(le are 6ust getting u(. I at a smug little goody+t*o+s oes t at sound5s. 3r% if you (refer% smug git. / at as(ect didn@t seem to occur to im at t e time e said t is in t e inter'ie* from years &ac$. -ut I@m not * olly serious. It ma$es a lot of sense of course. Early to &ed% early to rise. !olin Iilson is t e same% or *as. I don5t $no* o* e@ll &e no* exactly% &ut is routine is to &e u( e'ery morning at B am. / at@s a &it of a tall order% unless you5re in &ed &y 10(m% * ic e is. I en e as t e occasional guest% fan% re(orter% or * at a'e you% e still goes to &ed at 10. I recall an inter'ie* *it im &y someone * o5d &oug t an island off t e (roceeds of *or$ing for 12, yes% -on8g9o@s 12% t e $ing of naff imself. <ot t at t at as(ect came u(. Dou@d need to listen to @ i((er@ &lo$es suc as 0arc Riley for t at% a'ing a laug * en -ono fell off t e stage after *al$ing &ac$*ards

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8Rat er t an ma$e a 6o$e of it% e carried on as if not ing ad a((ened% &ut I su((ose t at@s not so &ad if your syco( antic fans go along *it it9. !I s(o$e to is friendly 'isitor+come+ inter'ie*er for a alf+ our% and t en said e ad to get &ac$ to *riting. <o* t ere@s dedication for you. I@m assuming it *as in t e daytime. I o *ants to *aste all t at daytime energyG Det% it@s not as if it *as a casual con'ersation. !ome to t in$ on it% it *as. It *as 6ust a &lo$e *it some cas and is =roc$ star5 association% * o *anted to meet !I. I@m reminded of * en !I said t at t e (ro&lem *it a'ing friends+ drin$ing friends% *as t at if e@d &een tem(ted% e *ould@'e tal$ed a*ay most of is &oo$s in So o (u&s. I t in$ e says muc t e same t ing t roug is c aracter .erard Sorme% in Ritual in / e #ar$. I $no* it *ell, all t e ideas% associations t at *ould come to me * ile some narcissist ad claimed a sta$e on my time and my life% and I *as too naU'e or soft earted to tell t em to go ta$e a flying fuc$, or for some of t e time any*ay. -ut it@s an interesting state of mind to &e in, to &e so (ur(ose+dri'en e'en. I su((ose it@s understanda&le * en you $no* it5s as good as guaranteed t at e'eryt ing you c oose to *rite *ill &e (reser'ed for t e interest and intellectual curiosity of t ousands% (otentially millions% in t e future. I really can@t (icture im &eing forgotten. I can (icture myself &eing forgotten% mainly &ecause I a'e to &e remem&ered to &egin *it 8 ar ar9. I *ould feel (retty self+conscious if I t oug t li$e t at all t e time% &ut self+consciousness seems to &e my t ing. "nd * at *riter *ort t eir salt doesn@t li'e and *or$ from t e con'iction% or e'en t e o(e t at t ey *ill &e remem&ered for all =eternity5 or at least t e end of t e *orld% * ic e'er comes firstG / ey mig t claim t ey don@t t in$ in suc terms% t at t ey see t eir *riting as dis(osa&le% or couldn@t care less% etc.% and some of t em may actually mean it. -ut t ey certainly *ant as muc ex(osure as (ossi&le in t eir o*n lifetimes% if only to ma$e enoug of a li'ing from it to $ee( on *riting% unless t ey a'e some ot er form of income, as usually as to &e t e case in any case. / ere@s too muc *riting of course. "nd often not enoug on * at@s actually going on in t e *orld% or so it seemed to me% until I got online. / en I found% aside from Ic$e@s *or$% and 2acim@s% and P)#@s%

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and R"I@s% and Ro&ert ! arles Iilson@s S2 no'els too% and Ro&ert Care on (syc o(at s% and "lexander Ho*en on narcissism% and Iil elm Reic % and .ary Au$a'% and Hu$e Rine artL.eorge !oc$roft@s / e #ice 0an Q 3$ay% so t ere@s ;uite a lot, 6ust anot er ti( of an ice&erg. -ut t e net is t e easiest (lace to find anyt ing% and ;uic$ly. Dou get my drift. / e media feeds us a lot of (o(ulist -S for t e most (art, inconse;uential or distorted ru&&is . "nd it@s as Ic$e says% you can go as far do*n t e ra&&it+ ole as you c oose to, t at most (eo(le go only so far% t en sto( * en it offends t eir limited outloo$. -ut I t in$ *e all suffer from t at in some form% as does Ic$e. Ce as no time for Jesus at all% saying e didn@t e'en exist% (ointing out t at many myt ologies a'e t e same arc ety(al story of an infant &orn as a di'ine &eing * o esca(es &eing slaug tered% t en *as crucified and resurrected. 3$ay. -ut I don@t t in$ t at (recludes t at it could mean some fore$no*ledge of a future e'ent. / e &irt of Jesus *as (redicted long &efore and% in I atsisface@s dream in t e -i&le. 3$ay% so you can say t e -i&le is mostly in'ention% &ut clearly it as some elements of trut too% o*e'er ego+riddled it is% *it its ca(riciously c ildis .od. Ic$e@s &ig t ing% and as &een for years% is t at t e *orld is a dream% a $ind of com(uter simulation, in s ort% a (ro6ection of t e mind. Ce@s cited t e article in <e* Scientist% * ic as$s t e ;uestion: Is t e Iorld a CologramG I recall t e maga?ine at t e time% &ut forgot to get a co(y, my neig &our ga'e me a co(y a fe* years later. I@d &een tal$ing a&out it for years. It *as ne*s to im% &ut more to t e (oint% t e !ourse 7 "!I0% as &een saying t is since it *as (u&lis ed &ac$ in t e mid+Se'enties. E'ery course student is a*are of t is% e'en if t ey don@t fully &elie'e it% or misunderstandLdilute its message to mean t at .od created only t e good t ings and not t e =e'il5 in t e *orld% * en * at it means is Ce didn@t create t e *orld or t e * ole ( enomenal uni'erse at all, or any ot er uni'erse. It@s all a (ro6ection, of t e mind. / e !arey material said t e same in so many *ords, t at *e@re all &iological (ro6ections% as is t e *orld. / e difference &et*een t e !ourse% and t at some* at <e* "ge inter(retation% is t at t e !ourse *ould say% and does% t at t e *orld isn@t ali'e%

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and neit er are *e. Ie@re not dead eit er% for deat isn@t real. Ie@re not e'en here% *e only t in$ *e are. Ie@re no* ere and no* en% as Peter Russell once (ut it. Ie ne'er left ea'en, t e * ole t ing is made u(. / e .nostics *ere increasingly on t e rig t trac$ too% from t e 2irst !entury on*ards. It all goes &ac$ a long *ay. It@s a&surd to try and claim it an almost uni;ue @re'elation@. Det% it@s true t at in most of t e accounts of mystical ex(erience I read o'er t e years% from teens on*ards% I can@t recall a single account t at stated s(ecifically t at t ey came to t e realisation t at t at t e *orld of time and s(ace% of ot er (eo(le% of &odies% didn@t exist and t at t e * ole t ing is merely a dream. .nostics% suc as t e 0anic eans *ould confuse t e issue &y ma$ing some as(ect of t e *orld% t e dream real. / e <e* "ge cro*d ma$e t e same mista$e% &elie'ing certain as(ects of t e *orld to &e real: @ oly@ (laces% sacred (laces% figures% etc. Ie all fall into t e same ego tra(. / e <HP conditioning in t e ands of t e *ar(ed socio(at s% social scientists * o t*isted it for t eir o*n ends and t e ends of t e <I3% ma$e t e same mista$e &y ri'eting t eir targets and =(er(etrators5Lminions ali$e% to t e seeming reality of t e *orld t roug negati'e em( asis on sym&ols in t e form of s(ecific e'ents% colours% (laces, =anc oring5. / ey@re all ne*+agers% so to say+ &asically cultists, t e cult of t e ego% or% if you li$e% a &unc of cults, &ut t at *ould &e to ma$e t e same mista$e. P ili( ). #ic$ is *ell $no*n for is s(eculations on t e illusory nature of t e *orld% descri&ing it as a simulacrum of t e Real Iorld, t at t is *orld is an im(ostor in a 'ery @real@ sense% &e ind * ic lies anot er *orld. -ut t at *ould a'e to &e a (ro6ection too% unless e meant and $ne* t at t e real *orld is of t e mind, t e forgi'en *orld. !I said t e *orld is a liar% in / e 0an *it out " S ado*% &ut e meant t is *orld. Ce didn@t come to dou&t its existence until is later years% and e'en t en e com(romised% or% if you (refer% dodged t e issue% &y saying t at e &elie'ed .od doesn5t (lay dice% ;uoting Einstein% * en "rt ur .uird am% influenced &y t e !at ars% suggested t e *orld isn@t real. -ut !I *rote t at e5d al*ays &elie'ed ot er (eo(le some o* aren@t ;uite real% t is in is later auto&iogra( y #reaming to Some Pur(ose. Seems e may *ant it

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&ot *ays% * ic ma$es no sense at all. It@s li$e a modern form of t e early mista$es of t e .nostics. !I retorted &y ;uoting .enesis. <ot t e (rogressi'e roc$ &eat com&o. / at E.od made t e *orld and sa* t at it *as good.F / is is oddly ty(ical, t at t e arc e'olutionistLintellectual re'olutionary s ould resort to an ort odox% literalist argument% li$e some old =dyed in t e *ool5 t eologian. " strange contradiction for suc an inno'ati'e% creati'e mind met in$s. Ie5ll &e coming &ac$ to t is. I sa* t e same t ings in is su((ortersLfollo*ers% s(ecifically t e self+a((ointed gate$ee(ers of is ideas. I@m sure "rt ur .uird am didn@t &elie'e t e *orld isn@t real ;uite so une;ui'ocally as t e !ourse teac es no*, and as #a'id Ic$e does. -ut as someone said% P)# got t ere first. E'en t at@s de&ata&le. 3ne could argue t at !I did% if e@d realised t e im(lications of is o*n statements% or ot ers did% in t e 'ery first c a(ter of is second no'el "drift In So o as mentioned. It can@t 6ust &e me, it@s t ere for all to see% o*e'er (ara( rased, call !I an un*itting .nostic% and P)# a more intentional one. !I *as ne'er &ig on Jesus eit er% *riting in a !riminal Cistory of 0an$ind t at Cillel ad said muc t e same t ings Jesus ad years &efore. / en !I goes on to misunderstand * at Jesus meant &y @turning t e ot er c ee$@% saying t is *ould &e a ridiculous notion in t e face of t e t reat of Citler% no (un intended. S(ecifically Citler. Iell% t at@s if Jesus actually said it. <or is it a call to (assi'ity in t e face of mass genocide. It means to defend yourself or ot ers &ut not *it an attitude of 'engeful 'indicti'eness. It doesn@t seem to occur to #a'id Ic$e eit er% t at Jesus could &e% *as% &orn% istoricallyLdid exist% 6ust as *e do% as a (art of t e dream% t e ologram% along *it t e stories t at (resaged is &irt % &ut is reality *as and is outside of t e dream% 6ust as ours is. I t in$ dou&ting t e istorical 'eracity of t e existence of Jesus may 6ust &e a more extreme form of denial% of unconscious fear. I feel muc t e same t ing a&out is use of t e term =!onsciousness5 instead of .od or t e !reator. Sim(ly stated% consciousness is t e domain of t e ego% an as(ect of (erce(tion% time and s(ace. 3ne can tal$ a&out a ig er consciousness% or self% &ut if it5s seen as 6ust anot er as(ect of

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=t e uni'erse5 7 and !I &elie'ed muc t e same% t en it@s dualistic% &ecause t e uni'erse of s(ace and time is a (ro6ection of t e mind. In ot er *ords% it smac$s a &it of <e* "ge t in$ing and conce(ts. / is mig t (artly ex(lain t e element of fundamentalism in erent in * at Pic$nett and Prince descri&ed as a dar$% !ro*ley+ins(ired religion in t e (rocess of &eing snea$ed in t roug t e &ac$ door% so to say. I@m (ara( rasing. 3ne could say it@s Egy(tian gods ins(ired. / ey (osit a * ole num&er of rig t *ing% and do*nrig t fascist associations of many of t e c aracters * o ma$e u( t e story% culminating in t e su((osed secret and (re'iously idden $no*ledge t at *ould &e disco'ered in t e Call of Records idden under t e feet of t e S( inx% and t at% some o*% *ill alter man$ind fore'er. It sounded sus(iciously li$e t e claims of t e Scientologists to me% *it t eir =re'elation5 for t e neo( ytes at t e end of it all% t at c anges not ing. <ot forgetting t at t is is all *ra((ed u( *it c annelled messages from @t e <ine5% along *it t e Intelligence agencies and &efore t at% 0)1ltra% * o% according to Pic$nett W Prince seem 'ery $een on furt ering t is agenda. / at s ould ma$e anyone some* at uncertain if not do*nrig t tre(idatious a&out t e * ole matter. "nd yet% I en6oy most of t e galactics5 messages. / ey can &e 'ery u(lifting. So it5s a case of using t e trut % of coming so close to t e trut % t at t ey mix in trut *it lies% false oods% in order to &ot con'ince and confuse. )en Ia(nic$% t e #irector of 2acim said in a 'ideo recently% t at t e &elief in 2012 is a&surd. Ce *asn@t tal$ing a&out t e galactics5% nor did e ( rase it in terms of ="scension5% &ut *e@re all tal$ing a&out t e same t ing, ascension% t e s ift into a ig er dimension% a ne* and transformed *orld% * ere all @e'il@ *ill &e dissol'ed% and as t e .alactic 2eds etc.% $ee( (romising% t e arrest of t e dar$ !a&al% t e &an$sters and t e rest% t e Illuminati% or% as t ey *ere descri&ed in Sout Par$% t e Illuminuti. 0ay&e it *as 2amily .uy. -ut I digress. / e galactics a'e t eir o*n 'ersion of Jesus too: Sananda. Ce tra'els along *it t em in t eir s(aces i(s. It5s all dualistic

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orses it. "nd yet it isn@t. / at (art is t oug . / ere@s t e *onderfully erudite and &rilliantly umorous E/ 101% a (roduct again% of t e .alactic 2eds% and "s tar !ommand. It@s ilarious. Seinfeld% (laying imself% ad a line% a ;uestion in is sitcom * ere e as$s .eorge !ostan?a if e t in$s Su(erman as su(er umour. E/ 101 does. It also (romises ="scension5 too in t e form of t e Second !oming% &ut states it in an intentionally &rief and umorous *ay. / ey didn@t mean e@s coming in a s(aces i( eit er% &ut t at we are it. / e !arey material says muc t e same t ing, / e / ird 0illennium and earlier &oo$s% suc as t e original Starseed /ransmissions from 1NM2 8stating also% t at t e *orld is a ologrammatic (ro6ection9. "s is sources say% arc angelic extraterrestrial entities of sorts% it@s our Self% coming to meet us. / ey also go on to say t at some egos *ill react in fear to suc an e'ent% &ut t ere isn@t any need to% and t at t is *ill a((en &y t e end of 201l as you may recall, t is didn@t a((en eit er. I a'e to go *it Ia(nic$ on t is one. Regardless of t e fact t at t e galactics em( asise "scension is imminent (retty muc e'ery ot er message. / ey say t e same t ing a&out t e arrests of =t e dar$ !a&al5. 0ore accurately% it@s t e ot er *ay a&out% &ut ="scension5 *ill ta$e (lace &y t e end of 2012% as (romised, t e more acce(ted date. "t ot er times t ey@'e &een less s(ecific or e'en certain a&out it. I don@t $no* * at t e ell@s going on. -ut in actual fact I do. If t e =;uantum a*a$ening5% as (romised &y )en !arey@s sources too% isn@t going to come a&out% as is clearly t e case no*% as far as I@m concerned% t en t ey@re eit er mista$en t emsel'es for some reason% or *e@re &eing strung along *it false (romises% generating false o(e. / ey% t e galactics% occasionally refer to .od directly% saying Ce as instructed t em on t is or t at issue. It5s (ossi&le t ey mean t is meta( orically% as Jesus often does in "!I0. / ey@re definitely a*are of non+dualism% in t at t ey tal$ of t is *orld and our ex(erience ere as dualistic. / ey transmitLc annel actual messages from @.od@Q &ringing us &ac$ to a <e* "gey dualism as usual. I@'e ad t e same confusion and exas(eration t roug rereading / e / ird 0illennium and is earlier &oo$s% t oug !arey5s, es(ecially //0 is t e su&tlest.

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Pro&a&ly e'en su&tler t an t e standard galactics at t eir &est% t oug t ey@re all claming to &e =arc angelic extraterrestrial sources5. I $no*. -ut / e / ird 0illennium is (atty su&lime. I@'e tried to read it once a year o'er t e (ast 20 years or so as *ell as is earlier &oo$s. !I touc ed on Jesus in is &iogra( y of Rudol( Steiner% to * om Jesus *as of central im(ortant% &ut !I dismisses t is as(ect of is ( iloso( y% seeing Jesus as 6ust anot er re'olutionary, t at it *as St Paul * o% after is 'ision or ex(erience on t e road to #amascus% transformed Jesus into a $ind of man+god *it all is cosmic tra((ings% &asically a fiction t at &ecame t e ins(iration for ! ristianity. Ce (uts Paul@s ex(erience do*n to a reaction formation, t is in Religion and t e Re&el% *ritten after / e 3utsider% ex(laining t at% * ereas Paul or Saul detested Jesus &efore% t e emotion &ecame its o((osite. -ut I can see o* !I@s inter(retation ser'es t e (ur(ose of not contradicting is dualistic outloo$% is &elief t at s(irit is trying to ma$e its *ay e'er+increasingly into t e domain of matter. It@s still ego, it@s still dualistic. "ll of * ic % seems to &e &ased on an unconscious fear of .od% li$e t e rest of us. 2esti'us. Ca. Seinfeld again. / e curious t ing a&out &ot !olin Iilson and #a'id Ic$e is t eir oddly one+dimensional 'ie* of ! ristianity% for all t eir su&tlety in ot er areas. -ot *rite as if ort odox ! ristianity *ere t e only form of ! ristianity in existence% dismissing any ot er as(ect% * ereas =e'en5 t e !arey material ma$es clear t at / ey5re a &unc of im(ostors. / ey &ot *rite as if t e .nostics ne'er existed or t ere5s any reason to attac muc % if any im(ortance to t em 8!orre+IrongO I came across Ic$e on t e .nostics on you tu&e since *riting t is &ac$ in "ugust 2012. Ce5s since ex(anded on t e "rc onic agenda in is uge and &rilliant (resentation at Iem&ley. I dou&t is 'ie*s on J a'e c anged% &ut t at5s u( to im. I5'e also since disco'ered lots of *riters% researc ers are a*are of t e "rc ons and a'e *ritten and tal$ed a&out t em on you tu&e9. I t in$ P)# mig t &eg to differ% &ut again% R"I as more in common *it #I and !I% yet re'eres #ic$. It doesn5t sur(rise me Ic$e a'oids any areas e

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doesn5t li$e and t at mig t also t ro* an interesting lig t on is claims to originality 7 t oug I do t in$ e ex(lains t e dreamL ologrammatic as(ect% tying it into a *ider and more distur&ing if u(liftingL(ositi'e t esis% ;uite &rilliantly. -ut t e e(ic &oo$ on .nosticism is Ia(nic$5s Ho'e #oes <ot !ondemn. I@m getting ungry. I ad a fe* t ings in mind to say a&out t e Resurrection in (assing% if not muc . / at *ould &e t e natural (rogression% or at least it *as% (ages &ac$% &ut I *ent off on a related tangent% as is my *ont. Dea % I5m definitely ungry no*, my stomac rum&led. .reat stuff. I a'en@t eaten since I got u( and t at@s &een ours. / ose (i??as I &oug t for c ea( go a damn long *ay. It must &e all t at doug . I (ic$ed u( a alf+ do?en for >0( eac . It@s not t e ealt iest c oices needless to say% &ut it *as a sa'ing of almost V20 7 if I@d &een silly enoug to *ant to &uy t em full+(rice to &egin *it % * ic I *ouldn@t. "not er inter(retation is t at I *asted V3 on cra(. -ut it ga'e me t e excuse I *anted to get t em% of course. I li$e Pi??a. / ey are% as -u$o*s$i once noted% a con. -ut t ey can &e (retty tasty. 0ost of t em *ereLare t e same, a mix of c eeses. I &oug t some am slices to go *it t em again% >0( a (ac$% reduced (rice. In effect I sa'ed *ell o'er V20. / ey@re doing me for days. 3ne *as Caggis to((ing along *it t e c eese. / at *as (retty *eird% &ut% as I *as ungry Q and any*ay% I li$e Caggis% o*e'er disgusting t e conce(t. "nd it is (retty disgusting. Just don@t t in$ a&out it. Hi$e tri(e, s ee(5s stomac . :uite tasty stuff% in a sou(% &ut t at *as a free lunc of sorts. I@'e ne'er once &oug t it. 0y fa'ourite is fis % and seafood o'erall, 6ust not t e 3cto(us legs and any ot er exotica. Co(efully it *ill &e a * ile &efore t e 2u$as ima radiation mutations reac us% or affect us. I@m going to a'e some musli first% lea'e t e (i??a till a &it later. I can@t 'ery *ell eat anyt ing &ut (i??a. / e (i??a (lan diet. I (ic$ed u( a mus room lasagne too% t re* in a slice of am. 4egetarian dis es come to t is man *it some difficulty. I did forget to add t e am% and ate one of t e c eese (i??as as it is. Pretty tasty too% as I say. I don@t &uy c eese eit er% in any ot er form. Cell% I don@t &uy (i??as. 0ainly I forget to &uy c eese.

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Some slices of c eddar or * ate'er% is good on o mmeters 8G9. I li$e c eese flan too% as it reminds me of sc ool dinners% t oug t ey ne'er seem to ;uite ca(ture t e literal fa'our of t at earlier sc ool+made concoction% * ic *as delicious. 3'er forty years later% I still recall it% and muc else &esides% not 6ust food glorious food. Hynne: I@ll al*ays miss Hynne. -ut t at@s t e *orld for you. I5ll ne'er forget er ser'ing me one day * en s e *as on t e food at lunc time% along *it ot ers. Roll "*ay / e Stone. Ieren@t 0ott / e Coo(le greatG 0y fa'ourite *as Conoluc ie -oogie. Dea . "nd% "ll / e Doung #udes% of course. / ey *ere all good. / e .olden "ge of Roc$ <@ Roll. @Dou loo$ li$e a star &ut you@re still on t e dole.@ 0ay&e t at@s t e line t at e'entually $illed -illy 0ac$en?ie, e of / e "ssociates% from #undee% my ometo*n. I don@t $no* * ere it *ent *rong for im. Encroac ing &aldness *as (ossi&ly t e &eginning% &ut some (eo(le get used to anyt ing. Hoo$ at Co*ard #e'oto of 0aga?ine. Ce 6ust s a'ed t e lot off. / ey reformed% some years &ac$. " (retty stu(endous &and. I started listening to t em in earnest in my early t*enties, t ey5d &een around for fi'e years or so It@s a great (ity t at )urt !o&ain to((ed imself 7 if t at *as genuinely t e case. I@'e ad a &oo$ for years t at ma$es t e case it@s a murder, 6ust anot er of t e undreds of &oo$s I a'en@t read. It@s surely an odd (aradox t at someone so ric and successful *ould *ant to $ill t emsel'es. I *anted to &e a roc$ star% &ut ex(erienced too muc distraction and emotional conflict% if one also includes ma$ing my *ay t roug t e * ole oeu're of !I among lots of ot er reading% and so didn@t do it. I@m no* future -art of / e Sim(sons. 2at El'is *it out t e fame or ric es, &ut actually ;uite =toget er5% (syc ologically% emotionally. E'en ontologically% existentially% o*e'er you *ant to ( rase it. / at (art as al*ays &een t ere. I read t at t e (ro&lem% t e irresol'a&le internal conflict for )urt !o&ain% *as &et*een is mega fame and ric es% and is =grunge5 roots. / at &eing a ric =(un$@ one mig t say% (ut im in a terminally untena&le (osition. 0ay&e so. I can@t really see it myself. It seems o&'ious is conflicts ran dee(er. Ce ad a $id. 0ay&e e felt tra((ed *it

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!ourtney Ho'e% * o $no*sG 3r &y t e ex(ectations of is &and mem&ers% t e res(onsi&ility e felt for t em. Per a(s e 6ust *anted to &e left alone. 3r felt e@d ne'er *ean imself off is addiction to drugs% or *as &ac$ on t em% or *as &lac$mailed% or felt imself to &e t e narcissist e said e *as in is suicide note noteLlast message, and felt cut off from e'eryone and e'eryt ing% e included. 0ay&e e felt li$e a musical (rostitute% a (erforming mon$ey for real% a @stu(id entertainer@% 6ust as e@d intimated in /een S(irit. Ce o&'iously ad a 'ery cynical strea$ o'er t e * ole enter(rise and * at *as ex(ected of a @roc$ star@. I t in$ e sa* t e * ole t ing in in'erted commas and as slig tly ridiculous. "ll t ose fans loo$ing u( to im as if e ad t e ans*ers. Ce must@'e felt li$e an im(ostor sometimes% $no*ing o* muc t ey (ro6ected on im. 0ay&e e felt e *as fleecing t em of t eir cas &y a $ind of (retence. / at it *as a sort of confidence tric$, t at e *as a =guru5 *it clay feet 7 feet of clay. It@s an ama?ing% unsettling t oug t% t at e ad t e * ole *orld at is feet in a sense% could go any* ere e *anted% &ut felt tra((ed. / ere is no* ere to go of course. / ere@s no need to. Exce(t as (art of a 'ocation. /ra'el mig t &e interesting% &ut after a * ile you@re going to realise it goes no* ere. / at all roads lead in t e same direction% as t e !ourse says, to deat . I t in$ e sa* t is (er a(s 7 and &y (er a(s% I mean may&e 7 and couldn@t see any *ay out. Ce ne'er% come to t in$ on it% realised t at resurrection is of t e mind, t at t ere are no real satisfactions to &e found in t e *orld, t at fame and money made no difference to is state of mind% is (erce(tion of t e *orld and imself% only a su(erficial s ift in self+image% from =(oor5 *or$ing class to ric *or$ing class &oy in t e form of a gro*n man% &ut still in is t*enties. / at@s no age to die. Ce ad is * ole life &efore im still. "not er casualty for / e 2K !lu&% as Jo n Peel said.

1N1

Des% Jesus and t e resurrection again. I@'e not muc to say. It@s (ossi&le t e account in t e .os(els *as in'ented. /raditional ! ristianity (resumes it meant a ( ysical resurrection% as you@d ex(ect. E'eryt ing is seen in terms of t e &ody *it t at lot. Jesus *ill come &ac$ in ( ysical form @riding on t e clouds@ for t e Second !oming etc. / e S! means t e end of t e ego@s rule as "!I0 states. / e ego in terms t e false self t at *e identify *it % not t e @ ealt y@ ego in t e 2reudian sense% t oug a ealt y ego is a * ole lot &etter t an a negati'e self+image. If 0ary 0agdalene and ot ers did see im after t e resurrection 7 Jesus% not 2reud% t en it *as as an image in t eir minds% as Ia(nic$ says. I@m not ;uite sure * at t at means. Ias e real in t e sense t at *e are @real@ 7 (ro6ections of eac ot er% or does e mean an =actual5 image% li$e a ologramG Is t e difference non+existent% in t at *e@re all (ro6ected ologramsG !ertainly t e images on my /4 screen or a cinema screen aren5t @ali'e@ in t e sense t at *e are in ( ysicality% o*e'er illusory. / at@s anot er occasional (u??le for me 8I a'e t e same (ro&lem *it 123s% and t e Re(tilians sometimes. 1235s may &e (ro6ections% as Jung said% &ut *e5re notG "n as(ect rarely raised% no (un ntended9. If *e@re to ta$e t e 'ie* t at t e *orld and all t e &odies t at seem to &e ere are no different from an image on t e cinema screen or t e figures in our dreams% for * ic reason% t ere@s no reason to concern oursel'es o'er anyt ing% * at a&out discomfort and

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(ainG /o say t at@s &ased on t e (ro6ection of anger and to ex(ect to &ecome li$e t at at some (oint is a &it of a tall order. I $no* it@s 6ust not going to a((en for me in t is lifetime. It ma$es sense to me t at Jesus could &e and *as so ad'anced =s(iritually5. Indian yogis a'e ac ie'ed muc t e same state in ( ysical terms% so to say% and (ro&a&ly still do% in t at it may &e not ing to do *it linear time. -ut it@s somet ing t at needs to &e discussed in t ese meta( ors. I can &e told t at * en I *a$e from dreams I5m still dreaming &ut &ecause I no* $no* it@s a dream% I need ne'er loo$ at t e *orld in ;uite t e same *ay% and I $no* t at@s true+ t at it is t e trut , &ut unless t e o&'ious difference &et*een t e ( ysical &ody% o*e'er illusory and t e o&'ious illusions of dreams as *e $no* t em to &e once *e *a$en from t em% is &ridged% t en t e =meta( or5 *ill ne'er ;uite *or$ for me. /o $no* t at t e figures *e *ere so ta$en in &y in dreams t at seemed so real are only dream figures ere in t e *orld too is a comforting t oug t% t oug . It@s 6ust t at t e *orld and e'eryt ing t at seems to a((en in it 7 or on it% is a (articularly difficult and com(elling illusion in its a((arent reality. Jesus says muc t e same in t e !ourse. / at@s * ere I got it from% &ut no* I5m saying it for myself. )en !arey% in /erra ! rista% one of is non+c annelled &oo$s 7 i.e.% e *rote it imself% * ate'er t at means exactly% e discusses t e resurrection% &ut tal$s of Jesus5 @ne*5 &ody, t at * en e told 0ary 0agdalene not to touc im% it *as &ecause of t e s oc$ s e *ould ex(erience due to is radically transmuted ( ysical s ell. / at@s a (retty different inter(retation% &ut still a some* at literalist one. !all it dualistic. / e course tal$s a&out t e Real Iorld% &ut it means seeing t e *orld transformed in t e lig t of t e (erce(tion of forgi'eness. In effect% it5s t e mind t at5s transformed, not ing a((ens to t e *orld or ot er (eo(le% in t at t ey5re only (ro6ections of t e mind% as are *e. Perce(tion itself is an illusion% as is t e t oug t of se(aration. It@s t e same (erson and t e same *orld% &ut loo$ing on it *it a different (erce(tion or mind. / e *orld is only an as(ect of (erce(tion in any case% seen t roug t e rig t or *rong mind% s(irit or ego. "n out*ard (icture of an in*ard condition% as t e !ourse says. / e =Eart 5 isn@t ali'e and it doesn@t

1N3

need to &e transformed, t e mind does. =See$ not to c ange t e *orld &ut to c ange your mind a&out t e *orld5 7 t e *orld is only a (ro6ection of t e mind. So is t e &ody. I t in$ I mig t finally &e getting it. It does ma$e t ings sim(ler% less confusing. It isn@t t at I@'e found it ard to acce(t% t oug a (art of me *ill% t e ego (art% &ut t at I@'e tried to integrate my reading of !arey@s / ird 0illennium and ot ers into it. "nd I t oug t I ad succeeded. <o* it loo$s li$e not ing is going to a((en in any case. )en !arey &egan a &log, I *as a &it late in coming to it. Ce descri&es a 'ision% in * ic e sees a great (lume of fire s oot from t e Sun5s corona and stri$e t e Eart . Sometime later e caug t (art of a /4 (rogramme descri&ing t e (ossi&le effects of suc an e'ent. / at it could s ort+circuit t e electricity grid% sto((ing t e *orld in its trac$s. Ce goes on to s(eculate t at t is could &e t e moment of t e ;uantum a*a$ening% t e momentL;uantum instant * en @.od@ *ill ma$e Cis 8and Cer9 mo'e% so to say% infusing CisLCer s(irit @into@ all matter. Remar$a&ly% / e / ird 0illennium as ne'er meant t is a&solutely literally% * en it descri&es =t e fusion of s(irit and matter5. / at *as t e% er% crux of t e matter for me% t e reason% as *ell as (ersonal ex(eriences% * y I too$ t e material seriously. I o $no*s% may&e it could still a((enG -ut I dou&t it. Ce certainly still &elie'es it% and * y notG Ce sta$es is * ole life and re(utation on it% as a'e ot ers% suc as Jo n 0a6or Jen$ins% and .eoff Stray. / ey5'e *ritten a&out little else% as far as I $no*. I &elie'ed it. <ot 6ust &ecause I *anted to% &ut also &ecause I *as as good as con'inced% if ne'er com(letely. I o can &e certain of suc an e'entG :uite a num&er of (eo(le it seems% as *e $no* &y no*% t oug t ey5'e ne'er &een 'ery &ig on !arey% (aradoxically enoug . / ere@s / e Stargate !ons(iracy cro*d% so to say% suc as .ra am Cancoc$ ad is 2inger(rints of / e .ods as *ell as &oo$s in colla&oration *it t e -elgian% Ro&ert -au'al% along *it &oo$s of -au'al@s o*n. S ould one descri&e t em as muc collusion as colla&orationG Pic$nett and Prince said t ey disco'ered serious mista$es in t eir astronomical calculations and tried (utting t ese to t em &ut got no res(onse. / ey go on to

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descri&e t em as t e ne* ort odoxy. !I (retty muc tras ed / e Stargate !ons(iracy% dismissing it as so muc unfounded or groundless cons(iracy t eory. -ut e isn@t o&6ecti'e, e could a'e as easily remar$ed on t e fascist% rig t *ing connections of one of t e (eo(le e *rote a&out% Sc *aller de Hu&ic?. -ut it goes &ac$ as far as 0adame -la'ats$y% t e Russian mystic% and (art c arlatan as some say% *it er c annelled messages from )oot Cumi and &elief in / e .reat I ite -rot er ood. !I *rote a&out it in / e 3ccult, and also is &iogra( y% Rudol( Steiner: / e 0an and Cis 4ision. !laimed c annellings from t ese sources are still going on. / e &lo$e t at gi'es t e tal$s ere% for S are International em( asised t at it as not ing to do *it any racist 7 or racialist o'ertones. <or does e $no* anyt ing a&out c annelled messages on you tu&e from sources of t e same name% suc / e <ine. Dou5d t in$ e5d &e curious at t e least. I am. -ut re+reading some of t e sections a&out / e Stargate !ons(iracy on PWP5s *e&site a&out it% t ey ma$e it clear t at SdeH sa* t e &lac$ race as inferior to * ites. Dou@ll find none of t is in !I@s 2rom "tlantis to / e S( inx% &ut t is seems *ort $no*ing% among many ot er connections. !I as long &een accused &y some of a'ing a fascistic% elitist outloo$. Ce gi'es an account in #reaming to Some Pur(ose 8an intriguing title9 of .eorge !oc$croft% aut or of / e #ice 0an% saying 6ust t at% and t en goes on to say t at e (atiently ex(lained to .! o* e *as mista$en% &ut didn@t say * at e said to im s(ecifically. I su((ose t e idea is it@s all t ere in t e &oo$. I@'e al*ays &een friendlily dis(osed to*ards t e ideas of !I. <ot 6ust sym(at etic% &ut sometimes ins(ired% electrified. I *as 'ery muc a fan% not 6ust an admirer, e *as 'irtually an idol. "lmost e'ery &oo$ I@'e mentioned so far% aside from t e &oo$s e eit er ignores or ta$es issue *it % suc as "!I0 and !arey@s% as does Ic$e% I@'e disco'ered t roug !I. I@d a'e disco'ered many of t em in any case% &ut I sa*Lread many of t em t roug is eyes% so to say. Co*e'er e inter(reted t em *as (retty muc gos(el to me from t e get+go% as * en I disco'ered / e 3utsider * en I *as Se'enteen. Ce *rote it * en

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e *as t*enty+t ree. I tried to read most of t e &oo$s e discusses in t e &oo$% trac$ing most t em do*n o'er a (eriod of mont s. I read most of #ostoie's$y% &ut left / e -rot ers )arama?o' on t e &ac$ &urner% so to s(ea$% telling myself I@d come &ac$ to it at some (oint in t e future% a la Cenry 0iller% for it *as = uge5 8Ce didn5t say muc a&out t e s ort stories a(art from <otes 2rom 1nderground. I read t ose too% t oug it *as only in recent years I came across / e #ream of " Ridiculous 0an% and I ite <ig ts. /o me% t e t emes in t e former are almost as im(ortant as t e .rand In;uisitor scene t at !I discusses in / e -oo$s In 0y Hife decades later9. I *as flagging at <iet?sc e5s / us S(a$e Aarat ustra% t oug I missed many of is &oo$s. I did muc t e same *it most of !I@s &oo$s% &uying any of t e &oo$s e discussed as I came across t em% (refera&ly second+ and% as *ell as &uying e'ery current and old !I &oo$. It *as a ma6or enter(rise. I often felt I *as li'ing and &reat ing !I% t is * en I *asn@t listening to Jo n Peel and dreaming of future stardom and ric es% tra'el and *omen Q al*ays in t e e'er+receding future% * ile I read and read% dreamed and dreamed Q It@s al*ays disa((ointing to see your idols =fall5% or so I@'e eard. I tend to c oose ;uite *isely% at least as far as t e artistically creati'e go% and t at@s mostly so. I o else *as I going to idoliseG PoliticiansG / e Pro6ect for t e <e* "merican !enturyG I@d ne'er eard of it. / e Protocols of / e Elders of AionG I@d ne'er eard of t at eit er. #a'id Ic$e gets accused of fascism also. I t in$ it5s 'ery clear from is *riting t at e isn@t. In fact e@s 'ery good at unra'elling t e smo$escreen and mani(ulations of t e &latant im(ostors. "(art from t e time e ad a ( oto of t ree gas c am&ers from different countriesLregimes% side to side% including t e <a?is% t is on is *e&site% *it t e legend underneat stating t ey *ere fa$e, t at t ey5d ne'er existed. I@m not sure * at that *as a&out% exactly 8/ ere are =countless5 accounts from t e sur'i'ors of t e deat cam(s. / ey *ere all ma$ing it u(G / at *ould &e an a&surdity9. 0ay&e it comes under t e &anner of =free s(eec 5. -ut as it says in !arey@s / ird 0illennium% t ere is suc a t ing as malignant 'ie*s t at do not ing &ut di'ide (eo(le% and &reed 'iolence. So

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a'ing t e freedom to say anyt ing at all in t e name of free s(eec isn@t al*ays a good t ing at all. 3&'iously% it can &e a co'er for t e s(reading of malignant 'ie*s *it t e intention of arming a grou( or a * ole race of (eo(le. Ic$e doesn@t seem to see t is% al*ays em( asising t at if freedom of s(eec isn5t t ere for e'eryone% t en it5s t ere for no one. So to s(ea$. Ce5s 'ery adamant a&out t is. -ut t e section in !arey5s / ird 0illennium gi'es t e lie to t at% so to say. .o figure. Per a(s t ere@s a idden fundamentalism some* ere in Ic$e5s 'ie*s also. I too$ t e ru&&is out. It5s ;uite late% almost dar$. " younger cou(le *it a dog *al$ed &y on t e ot er side of t e street. / ere@s al*ays somet ing. It@s timed so t ey@re going &y 6ust as I@m at t e &ins. / ere@s al*ays t e 'ery remote (ossi&ility it@s coincidence. / ey $no* t at. It@s o* t ey @get@ you. / is is ;uite a long street eit er *ay% &ut it@s almost in'aria&ly timed so t ere@s someone t ere, not necessarily *al$ing a dog% &ut as often as not. It could &e a &i$e% &ut t at ta$es a &it more effort to &e ere 8unless t ey5re 'ery local9% more so in t e semi+dar$ness. / at@s al*ays a ris$ for t em too% if a relati'ely minor one. I *as going to ta$e my green tam&ourine% as one does. .i'e it a &it of a s a$e on t e *ay &ac$. It@s &est * en t ey@'e (assed% * ome'er it is% as t at@s * en t ey least ex(ect it% feeling confident and (leased *it t emsel'es 7 smug. " do*nstairs neig &our as$ed me to loo$ after is tiny dog a * ile &ac$. I lost it t e first time I too$ er out for *al$. I@d let er off t e lead * ile I sat on t e ste(s of a close in one of t e modern flats u( t e street. Ie stay in an old tenement &uilding% * ic is o$ay% if too small% as I say. It ad &egun to rain t en got steadily *orse. I let t e dog *ander off a &it t en come &ac$% &ut t e little s it *ould dart off * en I tried to get er &ac$ on t e lead. / is *as * en I too$ to t e close 8entrance*ayO9% as t e rain got *orse. I *anted er to come to me naturally% not force er &y gra&&ing er. S e came &ac$ a fe* times% as if to c ec$ on me t en 'anis ed, didn@t come &ac$. I ad to loo$ for er in t e (ouring rain. I didn@t e'en a'e a coat on. -y t is time t ere *as some t*er( (ar$ed in t e 'icinity% an o&'ious snoo(er% snitc %

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(er(% call t em * at you li$e, your friendly neig &our ood scre*&alls. Partly ta$ing t e (iss &ac$% as is sometimes my *ay% I *ent o'er and as$ed im if e@d seen a small dog. Ce loo$ed at me *it muted ostility% unsure * et er to ta$e me seriously. Ce mig t a'e. I try not to underestimate them. I $ne* e5d &e straig t &ac$ *it t e re(ort on t is% * ic t ey5ll act on% find a *ay to turn it into a relentless niggle% anot er sym&ol of fear and loss. It5s * at t ey do. Ce of course% *ill assume I $no* not ing a&out t at. In time% I5ll find a *ay to turn it on its ead Q or t at5s t e idea. Infamous last *ords Ce didn@t loo$ amused. I came &ac$ ere to t e flat% dried myself off% c anged into anot er (air of 6eans and s irt+ not in t at order% and *as a&out ready to go out and loo$ for er again% * en t e &u??er *ent. 3 % and I@d gi'en anot er neig &our on t e &ottom floor a ring% told er of my (redicament, and t e dog@s. S e sa* t e funny moc$ orror side of it, t at I@d a'e to tell my neig &our * en e got &ac$ from is tri( u( <ort % * ic *ould &e t e follo*ing day. I@d a'e &een *orried a&out is dog &y t en in case it *as out all nig t. " fox surely *ould get er. "ny*ay% I *as going out to loo$ for it again * en t e &u??er *ent% as I say. Des% I really *as. " &lo$e &roug t t e dog in, e@d found er *andering around. I *as su(er relie'ed of course, so muc so I ga'e im one of my last mounted (rints of one of my (aintings. "ny*ay% I@'e ad t is dog (lague since% * ic is u( to t em and a &it of a 6o$e to me% as long as I $ee( in mind t e se;uence of e'ents, t at I *as t e one * o instigated it% t e cra?y fools% a a a a a aO / at sort of t ing. -ut t is is * at t ey do. It@s a (syc o(at ic system and t ey@re its ent usiastic disci(les. It5s an odd% literalistic *ay to &e a'e e'en if it *ere only t at% let alone t e clone+li$e as(ects of it too. 0arc of t e -org. I@m not a &ig Star /re$ fan. I do li$e t e original series and t e films% as long as it@s t e S atner and <imoy% and t e rest of t e gang. I did li$e some of 4oyager and anyt ing t at focuses on time tra'el. I t in$ t at@s enoug on t is for t e moment.

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Tuesday !I al*ays $ne* e@d &e a success. Ce said so in is =(reliminary auto&iogra( y5 4oyage to a -eginning. I5d lo'e to reread it% once I find it. <o one can dou&t is literary success. Ce descri&ed a'ing is fortune told% (ossi&ly t roug a'ing is (alm read in a fairground. I t in$ is girlfriend and future *ife% Joy may a'e &een t ere too% may&e not, it could5'e &een earlier. Des% e *or$ed on a fairground * en e *as se'enteen or so% and met er in is early t*enties * en e got a 6o& in a car(et s o(. -ut it could5'e &een a later 'isit to a fairground. Sim(ler to find t e &oo$ or s ut t e ell u( e G / e fortune+teller (redicts e@ll &e a success. EI $no*%F e re(lies. It is% * at e descri&es as a ealt y conceit% rat er t an a'ing false modesty. Ce also said some* ere 7 <e* Pat *ays in Psyc ology% is &iog on 0aslo*% t at it@s far &etter to a'e a misguided &elief in one5s talent t an &e a genius con'inced of one5s o*n mediocrity. <ot is exact *ords% &ut I get t e idea. I y fail if you a((en to &e exce(tional% 6ust &ecause your ego% your smaller self% or t e ego of ot ers% mig t gi'e you an inaccurate assessment of * at you@re ca(a&le off if you5re silly enoug to listen to it% so to s(ea$G "nd t em. -etter to &e a mista$en megalomaniac% o'erestimating one5s a&ilities% t an a genius t at constantly underestimates t em. -etter to ma$e t e &est of oneself and all t at stuff% =fulfilling

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ones (otential5% t an allo* yourself to *aste it t roug discouragement. I t in$ I@'e made is (oint, exce(t for t e fulfilling ones (otential (art% * et er e said t at or not. "nd * ate'er t e ell t at means any*ay. 3ne can tal$ a&out one5s ca(acity for ma$ing money% &eing rut less in &usiness too% or anyt ing you li$e. I t in$ * ate'er *e c oose is relati'ely inconse;uential to t e main goal, to learn forgi'eness and letting go of our unforgi'eness. 2ocusing on getting ric % or &eing a great artist or musician or engineer or s oema$er is 6ust a (art of t at 'ocation% t roug * ic t e *orld can &e seen as a classroom. -ut not ing of t e *orld is an end in itself. <or is t e goal to &e a great *riter% or e'en *riting. Ce@s a*are of t is imself% remar$s on it in t e long introduction to Religion and / e Re&el% *ay &ac$ in t e late 2ifties% descri&ing it as t e most efficient mean to ex(ress is dee(est con'ictions. Ce@s a*are of most t ings. Ce5s% or is% is a 'ery su&tle mind. -ut I don@t t in$ e@s learned t e im(ortance% t e centrality of forgi'eness% es(ecially in relation to t e *orld@s &elief in sin and guilt. Ce discussed "!I0 in is Postscri(t to a later edition of "fterlife% saying t at *it its &asically meaningless reiterations on sin% guilt% and fear% it may as *ell a'e &een *ritten &y a com(uter. " ludicrous t ing to say% &ut t at@s unconsciously arrogant intellectuals for you. Cis remar$s *ere a&surdly (atronising% su(erficial% refusing to see t e su&lime sense and sanity of t e !ourse at t e time. It only raises t e ;uestion as to * y suc an exce(tional mind could misinter(ret it so &adly. 2or one t ing% e *ouldn@t really a'e t e time and inclination to go t roug it all for t e sa$e of a s ort account in a (ostscri(t. / e !ourse is a &ig &oo$. 1200 (ages or so% in t ree (arts. <o one can come to it and ex(ect to gras( * at it@s a&out &y reading a c a(ter or t*o% or *orse% a &ro*se or a fe* sections of a c a(ter% t oug I do t in$ it@s as muc a matter of a certain (syc ological sym(at y and o(enness to * at one is reading% not coming to it *it (reconcei'ed notions as e *ould I t in$% from t e @religious@ terminology it@s couc ed in. It5s o&'ious t at in t is case% is intellect *as more of an o&stacle% a indrance% t an a &enefit to im% and anyone else * o reads * at e says and

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&elie'es it. / e notion t at t e !ourse can &e (ut into (ers(ecti'e t roug is o*n oeu're% o*e'er *ide+ranging% is a 6o$e. / e !ourse is an intellectual system% t ere@s no dou&t a&out t at% &ut it ta$es a certain umility to ta$e in * at it@s saying. If *e decide in ad'ance *e already $no* * at it is% t en *e *ill ta$e in 'ery little. <ot t at is assessment sur(rised me in t e least% in a *ay% or% in retros(ect% in (art. I ex(ected more of im. Cis unconscious fear and (re6udice is &eginning to s o*. -ut s ould I really &e sur(rised% * en e@d long decided t ere@s no more to Jesus t an * at e *rote *ay &ac$ in 1N>K in Religion and t e Re&el% and as stuc$ to in is *riting e'er sinceG I y s ould e re'ise is 'ie*s or e'en consider anot er (ossi&ility% o*e'er radical% unsettling% and &ecause it is t at% * en e already $no*s * at@s * atG I y s ould any of it sur(rise me * en e sets far more store &y !ro*ley% for all is faults and (at ology% as e (oints out% along *it is long+term interest in t e 3ccult in general% t e uge &oo$ e *roteL(u&lis ed &ac$ in @K1G Ce@s 6ust not going to consider suc a sea c ange% a'ing to discard most of * at e@s *ritten on Jesus. "nd fuc$ t e .nostics too. .uird am *as &ig on t e .nostics% as mentioned. I en e said to !I t at t ey &elie'ed t e *orld is a $ind of illusion% e countered &y ;uoting t e -i&le: / at .od =created5 t e *orld and it *as good. Co* (aradoxical t at e *ould ta$e suc a traditional 'ie*% siding *it t e fundamentalists * en it suits im. "nd o* unsur(rising. Ce re(eated t e usual misconce(tion% se(arately% of stating t at Celen Sc ucman% 8t e @scri&e@ of t e !ourse9% *as an at eist. / is isn@t true. S e disa'o*ed .od as a young girl * en s e@d felt t at Ce ad a&andoned er, &ut t at doesn5t mean s e *as at eist. S e *as (issed off t at Ce5d =ignored5 er. !I as else* ere said% in / e -oo$s of 0y Hife% t at e &elie'es t e *orld *as created &y a $ind of demigod. I@m not sure * at e means &y t at. " false *orld% and a false .odG It@s a strange (osition% sounding almost li$e * at some t e .nostics &elie'ed% and li$ely still do. It sounds almost t e same as * at P)# &elie'ed% * o could &e descri&ed as an arc .nostic% exce(t #ic$ came to &elie'e in ! rist as *ell as .od. / e =demi+.od@ or #emiurge% to me% is t e

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ego. Ie did it to oursel'es. Ie made t e *orld% as an attac$ on .od% 6ust as t e !ourse states. -ut eac to t eir o*n. Some lines from / e Starseed /ransmissions come to mind% t e first &oo$ in t e c annelled series &y )en !arey. I mig t mention t at is source s ifts from t e "rc angel Ra( ael (ur(ortedly% to @! rist@. CeLitL t ey as$ if *e *ere cognisant of all t e rele'ant factors * en *e made our decisions on matters im(ortant to us in any gi'en situation% saying t at all our decisions% &eliefs% con'ictions% are &ased in t e (ast. / ey also em( asise t e centrality of guilt in our minds% saying it follo*s us around li$e a dar$ s ado*% suc$ing t e 'ery life out of us% or *ords to t at effect9 83r% more li$e a tear in t e side of our energy &ody% lea$ing 'ast amounts of energy and uncannily similar to !I5s later descri(tion in " !riminal istory of 0an$ind as *ell as ot er &oo$s9. / is made ;uite an im(ression on me% @fa$e@ (ro( ecies or no. I can relate it to so many t ings. -ut it is anot er *ay of saying t at *e &ecome so attac ed to our 'ie*s% our (et t eories% &ased more on (reference t an any o&6ecti'e assessment% t at t ey &ecome ossified% 'irtually * o *e &elie'e *e are. /o consider t at t ey mig t &e inaccurate or mista$en is to feel *e mig t &e false in our 'ery &eing% a s am% a fa$e. It@s no *onder *e@re so defensi'e against t at and ta$e it all 'ery (ersonally. Ie ex(erience it as a t reat to our 'ery &eing. "nd t at &eing is t e &elief in our indi'iduality% our (ersonality+ t e (syc ological &ody% our ego. Ie may t in$ our 'ie*s% or con'ictions come from or *ere &ased on a ig er source% a ig er faculty of reason% &ut if t ey@re erroneous% t en clearly *e@re confusing it *it t e ego% in (art at least. / e !ourse as anot er *ay of (utting it% * ic is interesting. It says t at t e se(aration 7 t e &elief in a'ing se(arated% *as our first ex(erience of c ange% * ic *e ex(erienced as a dee( loss, it *as t e &eginning of our indi'iduality% as *ell as containing t e dee( unconscious fear o'er t e &elief in .od@s future retaliation for * at *e@d done% or &elie'e *e did. So *e associate t e Hast Judgement *it deat . / is is * y *e@re so afraid of c ange. Ie &elie'e it *ill literally &e t e end of us% t e deat of us. Jesus and .od are t e toug

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ones% t e &iggies. Ie@re all unconsciously defended against t em. Ie all need to learn to forgi'e Jesus for t e unconscious fear and atred *e (ro6ect onto im for feeling *e condemned im to deat % none of * ic is true. Ie5'e made it all u(% &ut it5s all unconscious. / ere5s no 'engeful .od out t ere% &aying for our &lood in com(ensation. It@s a cra?y fantasy story (romulgated &y t e ego% t e false self *e identify *it . 3 % and success% t e *is for it% can also &e a form of 'engeance% of @ma$ing t e error real@. In t e same *ay t*o (eo(le mig t say it@s us against t e *orld, anot er form of ma$ing t e *orld real in our minds. "nd if *e do t at% t en e'ery as(ect of it is real to us% along *it t e &elief in sin% guilt% fear and deat . -ut t e o&ser'ation in t e form of a ;uestion from t e Starseed /ransmissions made me s(eculate% and loo$ &ac$ and ;uestion some t ings, suc as t e dream of &eing a roc$ star since my early teens. It goes &ac$ furt er t an t at. I li$ed t e &lues+ roc$ &and 0ungo Jerry * en I *as aged 11% still (rimary sc ool age. I recall standing in t e (layground t in$ing a&out t em% $no*ing I *anted to &e in a grou( and do music. It 6ust came to me% almost ine'ita&ly I su((ose. Dou are * ere your attention is% as / e Starseed /ransmissions said also. 0ine *anted to &e in a &and, t ere seemed not ing more exciting. I read a lot too t oug . It *as 6ust as central% (ro&a&ly more so. 0usic affected me in anot er *ay, it *as on a different le'el. -ut it *as still too truncated in sco(e% o*e'er self+contained and (aradoxically *onderful, mind and emotion ex(anding. -oo$s *ere more *ide+ ranging. Stories% no'els% lasted longer. Songs *ere li$e @u(dated@% more so( isticated nursery r ymes. I lo'ed t ose too% some years earlier. / ey fascinated me. -ut a story% a no'el *as a far longer ex(loration. I could examine my o*n t oug ts% my emotional res(onse to t em at leisure too. / ey too$ me =out of myself5 for longer% feeling myself to &e s aring anot er mind in anot er (lace and time. 2or a little * ile I could forget my fear+filled misera&le little existence and &e someone else *it a * olly different set of (ro&lems% some *orse t en mine in general% if rarely ;uite as &ad s(ecifically. Hi'ing day in% day out *it t e (syc ologically and

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( ysically a&usi'e narcissist my mot er *as% *as (retty toug . Ine'ita&ly it ate a*ay at me% more (recisely% my self+image, my sense of * o and * at I &elie'ed myself to &e% or *anted to &ecome. / e &oo$s I read reflected &ac$ a more (ositi'e image as *ell as gi'ing a more rational 'ie* of t e *orld. It mig t &e a cra?y% dangerous and un(redicta&le (lace &ut e'eryt ing *as under t e control of t e narrator% * o *as mostly consistent and made sense% unli$e my mot er% and many ot er as(ects of e'eryday life and t e *orld as a * ole% o*e'er microcosmic 7 and &ecause of t at. / e narcissists% t e =P/-5 coloured my (erce(tions% o&scured my &elief in myself and t e *orld, t at it *as (ossi&le to ma$e good in it% to en6oy one5s life self and (ros(er. !om(licate t is *it Hynn% t e girl I *as madly in lo'e *it &ut *ouldn@t truly admit it to myself or do anyt ing a&out it% &ecause my situation and negati'e self+image made t at im(ossi&le for me% and I *as a morass of self+contradictory im(ulses and moti'ations. It5s an interesting t oug t t at t e situation and t e s(lit I felt in my mind and emotions *as itself only a reflection of t e original s(lit mind on an ontological le'el% as *as my c oice for t e (lace and family I *as &orn into. -ut I didn@t $no* t at at t e time, most (eo(le still don@t and *ould find suc a notion ;uite outlandis . I t in$ !I ;uoted Rudol( Steiner saying t e same t ing, t at *e c oose our (arents and circumstances. It5s all o((ortunities for forgi'eness for * at ne'er a((ened, our dreams of a life. -ut t e main t eme for me% in t is instance% is a&out music% of o* intrinsic t e im(ulse could &e% t e moti'ation for it% at suc an early age% and o* muc is a matter of t e influence of en'ironment and t e t ings *e@re ex(osed toG Some (eo(le *ould say t at not ing is c ance and t at anyt ing t at mig t lend itself to any form of creati'e ex(ression in one5s so+called formati'e years isn@t 6ust a a((y accident% &ut serendi(ity. 3r it is if it *or$s out. 3t er*ise it@s 6ust aimless dreaming and *is ful t in$ing. I call it t in$ing and *riting. -ut t at doesn@t (ro'e I a'eL ad any musical talent. I say I didLdo and ot ers $ne* it too% as muc due to my ent usiasm for music% &ut also &ecause I *as a naturally good singer and dancer. I ad a natural

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sense of r yt m. Dears later% I *rote some songs% melodies% recorded a song on ta(e *it my younger &ro and t at@s as far as it *ent. =Iomen (ro&lems5% se(arate goals and interests% =&ad luc$5 and often mutually exclusi'e tem(eraments (ut an end to t at intended creati'e colla&oration. 0y t*at of a music teac er in secondary sc ool noticed I ad a good 'oice% t oug all t is is &y t e &y. Det% * at interested me at t e time *ere some o&ser'ations .eorge /remlett made in a &iogra( y on -o*ie% / e #a'id -o*ie Story. Ce *rote a * ole &unc of (o( &iogs o'er t e years and I read a num&er of t em till t e age of 21 or so% &ut it *as -o*ie I *as most interested in% * ic *as no dou&t true for countless $ids my age% t oug only a (ercentage *ent on to follo* in is footste(s so to say% some less successfully t an ot ers. I say t is &ecause I didn@t a'e any interest in -oy .eorge5s music% t oug it *as clear -o*ie *as t e most im(ortant influence for im. 0arc "lmond *asLis &etter% &ut again% it@s all a &it too @ca&aret@ for me. .ary <uman comes to mind% anot er (retender to t e t rone as a music 6ourno (ut it% &ut (ro&a&ly t e most (refera&le to me in t e male de(artment. I@m not gay or &isexual eit er. I once read a music re'ie* in t e 0elody 0a$er or <0E% t e latter my (reference% t is many years ago% of a concertLgig &y Souxsie and t e -ans ees. Ce@d said e@d found t e $ey% t e ins(iration% to t eir act% if not t eir music% t oug e may a'e meant it t at *ay too. It *as t at it *as all a recreation 3f -o*ie@s Aiggy Stardust (eriod. I t in$ t at@s (ro&a&ly true% &ut musically t ey *ereLare (retty original% inno'ati'e% li$e 0aga?ine% and s ared one of t e same musicians% t e lead guitarist Jo n 0c.eoc % * o *as 'ery good. I t in$ SS sa* -o*ie *it some of t e rest of er future &and% and $ids all o'er t e country of t e same generation% me included% and said ey+diddle+de+dee% t at@s t e 'ocation for me. / e man and t e career, t e life. Dou@d =a(e it5 as *ell as you could% *ouldn@t youG / e rise of (un$ roc$ turned it all on its ead% made it all seem (ossi&le. Just do it yourself *it a fe* sim(le c ords and fuc$ s(ecialisation. It *as ama?ing. Jo n Peel lo'ed it and so did I% and $ids all across t e country. Hots of (eo(le couldn@t see t e (oint of it at all. 0ic ael @Par$y@ Par$inson ated it. I didn@t $no*

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of t at until years later. Just anot er 'acuous media+&ore. " (ity, e li$ed -illy !onnolly. I &oug t -!5s li'e el(ee at t e time on t e strengt of a Par$inson a((earance, is confidence and &elief in imself fascinated me. I did feel sorry for Par$y * en 0u ammad "li% t e arc egotist and su(er+narcissist% &ro*&eat and &erated im in an inter'ie*. "s #esmond 0orris o&ser'ed on a later s o*% Par$inson *ent into free?e. Ce *as li$e a Je* caug t in t e eadlig ts of t e local .esta(o. "not er fi'e minutes of t at and e@d a'e &een one of t e li'ing dead% in t era(y for P/S#. It really *as a &olloc$ing. It *as do*nrig t &ullying. 3r% if you li$e% terrorism. 0ean* ile% &ac$ in t e (re+(un$ .lam Roc$ *orld% -o*ie ad ex(loded on t e scene. Ce didn@t so muc ex(lode for me as emerge. I s(ent far too muc time in my room, * en I *asn@t out% t at is. I ad no intention of s(ending any more time in t e cigarette smo$e laden emotional cess(it t at *as t e sittingLfront room, t e li'ing room% as *e called it. Ie assumed e'eryone did. 3ur &edroom *as t e @*ee room@% t eirs *as t e @&ig room@, t ey *ere t e same si?e of course. I really can5t recall o* I first eard of -o*ie. 0ay&e it *as from -illy in t e next close at t e &ottom% may&e a maga?ine% or on t e radio% more (ro&a&ly t e first a((earance on /o( of / e Po(s% singing Starman. Huc$y us. I at I do 'i'idly recall is t e documentary film &y "lan Dento&% !rac$ed "ctor% *it film of -o*ie5s last Aiggy concert at t e Cammersmit 3deon. I *as *ell into -o*ie &y t is time% a'ing long &oug t Aiggy Stardust% t en is most easy a'aila&le &ac$ catalogue o'er time. I $ne* not ing of &ootlegs and ot er rarities t en% nor could I a'e afforded t em. I@m not e'en sure * ere t e money came from, (ro&a&ly my a&orti'e (a(er+round. Ie did get some (oc$et money% &ut as I recall% / e 0an I o Sold t e Iorld cost me V2.11(. It *as s ortly after decimalisation of t e old money. <o more alf+cro*ns% s illings% six(ences and (ennies. It seemed so com(licated trying to con'ert it% I t oug t I5d ne'er figure it out. I recall t at% too% &ecause it *as an ama?ing turn of e'ents in itself * en my mot er declared s e *as going to start gi'ing us =(oc$et money5. -efore t at% I sim(ly 6ust stole * at I *anted to get my ands on &efore I got t e (a(er round, comics%

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s*eets% &oo$s% (ac$ets of stam(s for my collection% "irfix models% tins of (aint% you name it% *e stole it. Ie *ere rarely caug t% if e'er. <ot t at% to (ara( rase !I in 4oyage to a -eginning% I5d dream of doing it no*. It@s a * ole different *orld in any case. <o* *e@re all (otential criminals, guilty until (ro'en innocent. In t e meantime t ey@ll set you u( and try and dri'e you insane, failing t at% t ey@ll declare you insane any*ay. -ut I digress% em em. / e -o*ie documentary *as a re'elation of sorts. If t ere *as any *ay to li'e% any 'ocation to follo*% any goal *ort ac ie'ing% it *as t at. Ce *as t e &ees5 $nees% t e cat@s (y6amas, t e coolest (erson on t e face of t e Eart % t e second coming *it a guitar and ama?ing stage s o*. <ot ing &ut not ing *as more exciting% more affecting% exce(t t e t oug t of Hynn% &ut s e *as gone% a'ing immigrated to "ustralia. -o*ie &le* all t e emotional co&*e&s a*ay% at least for t e time &eing. Ce offered a ne* *ay of loo$ing at t e *orld and oneself. Ce *as also t e (ersonification of re'enge in a sense% *it is fiercely am&itious (ersona reflected in is (roducti'ity and androgynous sexuality. Ce *as as good+loo$ing as any lo'e of one5s life. Ce seems to com&ine e'ery as(iration in imself% is (ersona and is career. E'eryt ing *as t ere. I $ne* t ere *ere a * ole (let ora of earlier grou(s and music% as *ell as contem(oraries% &ut I *as still at t e age * ere I didn@t ear enoug radio% or didn@t $no* * o to listen to% &ut I did stum&le on Jo n Peel * ile still at sc ool% t en as ;uic$ly forgot a&out im. Ce *asn@t as im(ortant as an indi'idual% a =(ersonality5 to me t en. Hater% e *as almost as im(ortant as t e music itself. I mainly listened to my mum@s records% * en s e *as out. Hater I *ould listen to music after sc ool * ile s e *as in t e $itc en. E'en s e (ic$ed u( on my ent usiasm% remar$ed on it 7 I *as sitting *it my ear only inc es from t e old =dansette5 record (layer. S e ad ;uite a num&er of great Sixties records. Some of t em *ould t ro* me into a $ind of (aroxysm of ecstasy% t oug I@d eard some at (rimary sc ool. I *as as mad a&out t em t en too% and (layed ers * en I got &ac$% * en s e *as out. "side form t e /amla 0oto*n and t e -eatles% t e rest *ere of (retty

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s(oradic interest% if *it a fe* exce(tions% suc as / e 0amas and / e Pa(as. -ut mainly% t ere *ere t e *ee$ends and er stu(id &ut sly and *iseacre &oyfriend to deal *it . / ey *ere &ot narcissists% &ot su(remely clueless as far as any self+a*areness *ent &ut far from unintelligent. / ey *ere% in s(iteful% tri'ial+minded *ay% ra?or+s ar(, my earliest ex(erience of t e cle'er idiots% along *it some teac ers. / ey didn@t read% or not muc . S e read a &it% maga?ines% &ut e *as a =Hudd ite5 and (roud of it, t e *orst $ind. -roug t u( in t is ot(ot of neurosis% my self+image &y my teens *as a &it of a mess. I *as still t oroug ly intimidated% allo*ed myself to &e &ro*&eaten &y er% &ot of t em% yet felt I ad t is se(arate (ersonality% t e @real@ me% t at ad de'elo(ed t roug t e 'icissitudes and umiliations of Secondary sc ool too% t e disco'ery of a real self t roug reading and music% and% more s(oradically% friends and ac;uaintances. / ey *ere in close contact *it my granddad on my mot er@s side. 0y dad and s e ad long di'orced% t oug I did see im% if irregularly% and my gran too% on is side of t e family. Cis dad li'ed in "ustralia. I (ity I ne'er t oug t to get im to trac$ do*n Hynn * en I met im and is *ife for t e one and only time at gran@s% *it my dad, my &ald ot er granddad and is *ife. !learly a tolera&ly successful fello* if t ey could afford t e fair t ere and &ac$% as *ell as gi'e my &ro and me a V20 note eac . Ce5d &een a (rofessional foot&all (layer, some of t e time any*ay -ut * at I dreaded *as t e *ee$ends, not e'ery *ee$end% &ut some of t em. / is *as later% * en .randdad and is second *ife *ould stay o'er. Pre'ious to getting married t ey@d li'ed toget er. Ce@d e'en stayed *it us for a * ile &efore t ey got a council ouse. It *as great a'ing im around% &ut occasionally marred &y t e &ooris &oyfriend * o% e'en t oug it *as o&'ious e li$ed im% (layed t e (ro'er&ial &oor. 3ne ne'er $ne* * at mig t set im off. It *as many years &efore I &ecame a*are t at t is *as a ty(ical c aracteristic of narcissists. I *ent on to li'e *it one in my t*enties for many years on and off% &ut met many along t e *ay. 0y mot er *as little &etter. / ey5d gang u( on me * en it suited t em% * ile in t e (rocess of trying to destroy eac

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ot er. 0ost *ee$ends% if I didn5t go out% I could stay in and listen to records% mainly -o*ie% al*ays Aiggy% &ut Slade too% and dream. I en t ey came &ac$% from @t e (ictures@ or t e (u&% I could ang around a little &it so as not to &e too o&'ious% t en &ugger off to our room. I mig t e'en ear t em outside or coming u( t e stairs% and t at *ay I could ma$e my esca(e &efore t e $ey *as inserted into t e loc$% a'ing (re(ared &efore and. I@'e no idea * ere my younger &ro *as during t is time. / at@s al*ays (u??led me. 0y mind@s a &lan$. I can only t in$ e stayed *it my .randdad and Ina sometimes, I@'e forgotten. I li$ed im% er not so muc % &ut s e *as o$ay. So I (referred to &e &y myself and music% or *it (als. Sometimes I@d stay around t oug % *atc a late film *it t e &oyfriend * ile my mot er made su((er. I *as (ossi&ly *im(ing out% in t*o minds a&out &eing friendly% &ut I (ro&a&ly *anted to see t e films too% usually Cammer Corror or t e old 1ni'ersal films. Ie *atc ed some of t e 0ummy films% *it -oris )arloff% and t e Iere*olf films *it Hon ! aney% memora&ly tormented &y is o*n affliction. ! risto( er Hee and Peter !us ing too% in #racula. I@d seen 2ran$enstein some years &efore as a $id% * en .randdad *as t ere. It scared t e cra( out of me. I felt li$e t e orror of it *as almost ta$ing o'er my mind% it *as so tangi&le, in t e same *ay t at !at Peo(le did% if in a more su&tle *ay * en I *atc ed it at my older cousin@s in 0id !raigie% t is in #undee. Psyc o scared me s itless as *ell% s(ecifically t e s o*er scene. I ated it * en t ey got toget er. <ot "&&ot and !ostello 0eet t e Iolf 0an% &ut my mot er and &eau and relati'es% granddad and (artner included% t oug I al*ays li$ed to see my granddad% =Iilly5. -ut ot er*ise% it *as a fuc$ing nig tmare. Sometimes it *as 6ust t em. / e relati'es *ere more of an Jmas t ing. I ate'er t e situation and mix of t em% I felt as if I *as dying of self+consciousness, t at it *as $illing me. I felt li$e t at at sc ool too% *it certain situations% classes% teac ers. I felt tra((ed% claustro( o&ic% as if my eyes *ere &urning, t ey stung. /ime dragged on. I felt as if somet ing dreadful *ould a((en% somet ing uns(ea$a&le% t at it could a((en in t e next minute% t e next second. / ere *ere ours to go. Iould t is ell ne'er

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endG I *ouldn@t sing. It *ould &e li$e singing for t e <a?is. <ot t at I $ne* * o t ey *ere% exactly% aside from films 8and t ey tended to &e family friendly% o*e'er serious, t ere *ere no deat cam(s t at I remem&ered, may&e it didn5t sin$ in9, t at came later. I $no* t ey felt t e same *ay in t eir *ay. / ey *ere fearful (eo(le% feeling t at t e *orld treated t em &adly% t at t ey *eren@t a((reciated. It *as * y t ey focused on me as t e &ad guy% (referred my &rot er. It *as all (ro6ection and s(ecialness, o'ert and often co'ert atred for me% and s(ecial lo'e 8 atred9 for my &ro. Ce really li$ed me% &ut e &oug t into it too. Det I felt more myself *it im t an anyone else. -ut I5'e got off trac$ again. I en -o*ie a((eared on t e scene 8man9% it *as% as I say% li$e *atc ing a screen on * ic my dee(est as(irations *ere *rit large. Ce *as t e "nti+Sinatra. "ll t ose e'enings 7 (ro&a&ly 6ust a fe*% * ere I@d ad to sit and listen to t e drun$en &oor of a &eau &elt out yet anot er semi+ine&riated rendition of t at dirge to t e ego+ is% 0y Iay. 3ldsters5 music. 8/om Jones% and S irley -assey 7 * o my mot er *as mad a&out: I *as (retty mad a&out t eir renditions of James -ond t eme tunes res(ecti'ely% &ut generally s(ea$ing t ey *ere again% @ca&aret@ acts. / ey *ore suits and e'ening dress. / ey *eren@t Hed Ae((elin% or #ee( Pur(le% * o I@d recently eard t roug t e Hi'e in !oncert series on Radio 1% Pur(le first. I *as &eside myself *it excitement. I couldn@t get t em out my ead9. " re(eat of some of my ex(eriences years earlier *it =B0s tunes. Perry !omo% /ony -ennett% all t ose (eo(le. 4al #oonican on /4. I@m sure t ey@re great crooners. I *asn@t interested. -o*ie (ro'ed it for me. / ey *ere #ulls'ille% "ri?ona. Ce seemed to encom(ass e'eryt ing I *as interested in% not least =aliens5% after seeing 1ri .eller on Par$inson. Ce *as as good+loo$ing as e *as ot er*orldly. Ie all automatically lo'ed t is man. Ce *as Jesus in drag. I ate'er *e *ere% *e $ne* e *as one of us. Ce *as our (o( star, a &ona+ fide =roc$ god5 &efore I@d e'en eard t e term. Cis songs *ere as intriguing and ot er*orldly as e *as. Cis stage s o*% or * at I sa* of it in t e 3mni&us documentary% *as as dynamic as I mig t ex(ect% electrifying. <o* it *as a -o*ie *orld% a =-o*ie

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uni'erse5 too% 6ust as t e s(aced+out "merican $id% older t an me at t e time% ad said in t e documentary. E'eryone else *as almost &oring &y com(arison% or a (ale imitation of sorts% aside form t e dynamism of ea'y metal. I5d yet to get into classical music in earnest.

-o*ie and -urroug s I lo'ed -ruce Hee. Cis *as anot er% ca(ti'ating% dynamic *orld. I@d yet to redisco'er !olin Iilson. I did t at * en t e !rimes and Punis ment (art *or$s *ere on t e s el'es around t e same (eriod. / ey *ere reissued a fe* years later in t e mid+ Se'enties. 8/ is *as t e series e *as *or$ing on% *riting all t e (refaces% * ic &roug t a&out is (anic attac$s due to t e (ressure of is *or$ out(ut for re(eatedly increased deadlines9. If anyone *as re'enge for all t e suits and &o*ties% as *ell as t e 6eans and i((y s a&&iness I &arely $ne* a&out still% it *as -o*ie. #ec$ed out in full ma$eu(% orangeLred air% de(ending on t e lig ting or (rint colour% fluffed u( into is roc$ god cut% costumes clearly s(ecially made for t e (ur(ose% &are t ig s

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s o*ing a&o'e is cosmic s(ace (ixie &oots or * ate'er t e ell t ey *ere su((osed to &e% loo$ing li$e no one &ut imself% *e@d seen not ing li$e it. Parents *ere orrified. Pro&a&ly teac ers too. Intentionally @outrageous@% utterly outlandis on t e face of it% e outraged t em as ex(ected. 0y mot er5s &eau *as mortified. Ce reacted as if e *as seeing some $ind of a&erration of nature% an o&scenity t at s ouldn5t exist, it *as t at good. Ce mello*ed out a &it as time *ent on and a young a((rentice at is *or$ sang -o*ie@s (raises% em( asising o* outstanding e *as% &rilliant% an original etc. It *as good of t e &eau to tell me t oug . Ie5d ad run+ins since t en, e could &e alf+decent * en e *as so&er. I don@t a'e a limitless admiration for -o*ie. I *as far less interested in Doung "mericans 8I did lo'e .olden Dears9% t oug I didn@t lose interest as suc % going to see is Serious 0oonlig t tour in @M4. <ot t e &est c oice eit er% &ut t at@s * en e *as ere% in Edin&urg . I missed is Aiggy S o* in my teens% &ac$ in #undee. !om&ine t at *it Hynne@s recent de(arture% and I *as &eyond mortified. I *as &eginning to $no* t e meaning of emotional de'astation. "ny oo% suffice it to say -o*ie *as t e (ersonification of e'eryt ing I detested around me in t at e *as t e o((osite of it% not to mention 6ust o* I *ould imagine t e (erfect re'enge for it all to &e% t e seeming e(itome of it and t eir tastes and 'alues. !onfident% or a((arently so% a great singer% an outstanding% su(reme musical talent% a colossal success% or so it seemed 7 I ad no idea t at is manager /ony #e2ries &adly ri((ed im off% as t ey say in t e 'ernacular. Dou 6ust $ne* t e future *as Jim #andy for t is &lo$e. Cun$y #ory. Pun$y -re*ster. "nd no*% * ate'er a((ened% *e s ared t e 6ourney *it im. In s ort% e *as t e (ersonification of success, t e "ns*er. <o dull% stu(id factory or office 6o& for -o*ie. <o more sc ool 8t oug "lice !oo(er ad co'ered t at (erfectly% in an o'ertly re&ellious% =anti+social5 *ay% c oosing a (syc o(at ic (ersona for is image9. <o more of &eing a no&ody% * ate'er t at meant in -o*ie terms. I@d find out from /remlett@s &oo$ and t e (let ora of maga?ines t at a((eared% t oug usually it *as 6ust a s ort syno(ses along *it t e concentration on ( otos% &ut t at

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*as great% as o* e loo$ed *as central too% (ro&a&ly more so for t e a'erage teen. It *as ne'er 6ust * at e *as singing or t e music or o* e loo$ed% integral as t ose *ere. It *as * at e *as doing% is *ay of &eing in t e *orld. /remlett@s &oo$% / e #a'id -o*ie Story% o*e'er (o(ulist% *as more interesting t an most maga?ine accounts% t oug ! arles S aar 0urray5s article for t e (art *or$ / e Story of Po( *as 'ery interesting% and I li$ely missed lots of ot er articles in t e music (ress o'er t e Aiggy Period. Ce *as o&'iously 'ery intelligent% cultured% as muc a sociologist and (syc ologist% or so it seemed to me *it my &urgeoning interest in almost e'ery su&6ect under t e sun. Ce o&ser'ed t at many of t e current &ig names in roc$ and (o( music ad come from @&ro$en omes@, t eir (arents ad s(lit u( or di'orced from an early age% so t at t ey@d &een &roug t u( &y a single (arent, and t at t ey *ere mainly *or$ing class. / at included me% and my dreams. / e =cosmic yo&5 roc$ n roller I *anted to &e too. It *as li$e reading !I again later. Ideas% insig ts al*ays fascinated me% gi'ing a glim(se% a (romise t at I mig t one day get to t e eart of t ings% and myself% and not fore'er feel li$e I *as li'ing on t e surface of life% condemned to ne'er $no* * o I =really *as5 or * at I *anted. I &elie'ed I *anted fame and ric es and e'eryt ing t at came *it t at. 0ost of all I *anted creati'e integrity and inde(endence% li$e -o*ie. / e rest *ere 6ust (er$s% (otential idols. I *as curious a&out t e *orld% ot er countries, &ut tra'el% *omen% could ne'er &e ends in t emsel'es% and certainly not money. It *as ;uality of life t at *as im(ortant, financial% (ersonal% creati'e freedom. I ne'er loo$ed at -o*ie and t oug t: I *is I ad is money. <o* I do% or *is I ad a fraction of it. I could do so many t ings *it it. I@d start off *it more s(ace. I@d &uy lots more &oo$s I@ll ne'er find t e time to read% disa((earing fore'er% &eneat a great ea( of t em. I@d set u( a studio for (ainting% &uy lots of materials of course% set u( a gym too% and actually use it% rat er t an it &e t e co&*e&&ed image I sa* in an e(isode of 2amily .uy. I could also afford some girlfriends if I ma$e t e time and t ey don@t turn out to &e nut?. I@d set u( my o*n cinema screen or a uge (lasma /4 of course% and a'e a

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(ool and a $itc en li$e ! arlie S een@s% and% not least% a $itted out music studio and com(uter to (lay and record * ate'er t e ell I li$e. 0y ouse *ould &e one of t ose (art glass modern arc itectural efforts t at 6ut out of a uge 'erge% in t e middle of luscious green scenery in !alifornia or !anada. I@d meet t e lo'e of my life and s(end my days going to 2acim lectures too% and studying t e !ourse * en I@m not *riting and (ainting and singing and (laying Q t e list goes on. 0ind you% -o*ie li'es in a large loft in <e* Dor$. It@s still li'ing t e dream. I o(e e@s a((y. I@m sure e is. Ce5s &een ;uiet for years. / at *as ;uite a large digression. If I can@t (lease myself in @life@ I can do so in *riting, as far as my (o*ers of self+ex(ression go. I feel &ot maddeningly inarticulate and at t e eig t of my (o*ers% so to s(ea$, t e story of my life. .eorge /remlett (u&lis ed a more recent &iogra( y. #a'id -o*ie: Hi'ing on t e -rin$. It *as excellent, it really &roug t im to life. !I touc ed on t e same t ing as /remlett in " !riminal Cistory of 0an$ind% * ere e *rites of (eo(le * o mig t not &e too &rig t or a'e no (articular talent &ut * o see (eo(le all around a'ing access to inordinate amounts of cas % as *ell as t e accolades% t e fame t at goes *it it. Ce could a'e as easily added t e sexual as(ects% t e more t an 6ust (ossi&ilities% and 'ery li$ely did% if in ot er contexts. Ce (oints out t at it5s a curious and distur&ing fact t at t e rise of t e modern serial $iller =e(idemic5 came a&out at t e same time as t e rise of t e @(o( star@ 7 t e ad'ent of roc$ n roll. Des. Really. 3nly% t e a'erage serial $iller isn@t talented% creati'e in t e *ay t at musicians are% or *riters or (oets and artists for t at matter. In fact most of t em% as !I long (ointed out% a'e no creati'e goals% as(irations or am&itions at all. / ey@'e &een found to a'e no long+term (lans. Exce(t in terms of may em and murder of course, until t ey@re unted do*n and caug t, * ic e'er comes first. / ey *ant all t e tra((ings of fame and success *it out a'ing ac ie'ed it or *or$ed for it% as e li$es to (oint out. I could 6o$e t at5s a &it li$e me% &ut I a'e ;uite a lot of (aintings and (rints floating around% as *ell as *ell as my o*n Exegesis of sorts from o'er t e (ast

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t irty years or so% li$ely ne'er to see t e lig t of day. 0y =3utsider refuse5% to use a term of !I@s% *ould &e more accurate% &ut some of it is ;uite co erent% o&ser'ant, no *orse or &etter t an t is. 0uc of it is illegi&le cra(. I en I t oug t I mig t *ant to read it &ac$% (ossi&ly use it, I made an effort to &e more legi&le. -ut mainly I@d *rite too fast. I ty(e at a s(eed t at5s &eyond my actual ty(ing a&ilities. It@s more ty(os t an is (ractical. It *ill ta$e me as long to correct it as it ta$es to *rite it. -ut s(eed is an aid to my t oug ts. I@m neit er 'ery fast% com(arati'ely. I see o* (eo(le touc +ty(e. If I could ty(e li$e t at @d a'e a no'el+lengt *or$ *it in a *ee$. "ny*ay% serial $illers are surely t e (ersonification of t e *is for re'enge% at least in indi'idual terms. <o* *e@re as muc concerned a&out (syc o(at ic &an$sters and t e Illuminati and t e <I3 and fles +eating canni&alistic Re(tiods% and 6o&s and t e economy going do*n t e drain. -ut for me% it@s interesting, It@s a&out not succum&ing to t e *is for false idols and all t e ot er goals t e ego *ould tell us *e@'e failed to ac ie'e or ac;uire. It@s 8not9 a&out co'eting% to ;uote Canni&al t e !anni&al% and o* *e d canni&alise eac ot er% &ut in different forms% as t e narcissists and (syc o(at s do. / e serial $illers are 6ust t e extremists. / ey@'e decided t ey@re ta$ing * at t ey can get from t e *orld% (eriod% &y oo$ or &y croo$% and not ing *ill sto( t em. E'en if or * en t ey are sto((ed% so * atG / ey@ll a'e ad t eir fun% t eir re'enge% and not ing can ta$e t at a*ay from t em. / ey mig t &e sentenced to 400 years% &ut t ey@ll ne'er ser'e it of course. / ey mig t &e executed% &ut you can only &e executed once% o*e'er excruciating t e (rocess. / at@s t e (ro&lem *it (unis ment, it reinforces t e &elief in sin, t at somet ing a&solutely terri&le and irre'ersi&le as a((ened. It@s (ro6ection and counter+(ro6ection% t e (ro'er&ial 'icious cycle. E'eryone needs to find a *ay to =lig ten u(5 a &it% not ta$e t ings ;uite so seriously. It@s as clear t e aut orities and t eir minions a'e no intention of doing t at. / e cle'erness of t e ego is t eir god and t eir &ag, 6ust t e same as serial $illers. It@s all 6ust one &ig tit for tat% e'eryone out for * at t ey can get in t e time allotted to t em. Ie5ll conni'e our *ay to ea'en% a((iness and

21>

.od. Iill *e get t ere *it out eac ot erG E'ery single one of us% e'eryone *e $no* *it out exce(tionG Ie don@t *ant .od or ea'en of course. Ie (rofess not to e'en &elie'e in t em. -ut *e ex(erience t e unconscious fear of .od all t e same. Peo(le 7 (syc ologists 7 say (syc o(at s don@t ex(erience guilt feelings. Possi&ly t e (syc o(at s t emsel'es say t is too. "nd t e @Elite5. 0ay&e t ey really do *ant us all to &e (syc ologically% emotionally enmes ed in an irresol'a&le% unra'ela&le *e& of guilt and confusion% 6ust as #a'id Ic$e *rote. Co* can t ey ex(ect to esca(e * at t ey &elie'e t ey can inflict on ot ers * en t e mind is oneG / roug denial and (ro6ection% and resistance, re(ression. <or is it true to say (syc o(at s don@t ex(erience guilt. It@s 6ust furt er su&merged do*n into t e unconscious. I@ll 6ust add% &ecause I forgot: t e (ro&lem *it re'enge is t at it ma$es t e *orld real. / e (ro&lem *it t e *is for success% a success t at ot ers can@t deny% a loud% unmista$a&le% incontro'erti&le success% is t at it can &e 6ust anot er form of 'engeance and t at@s to ma$e t e errorL*orld real too% to (ara( rase "!I0. It@s t e same as t e false forgi'eness of t e ego% * ic is to loo$ on @sin@ t en @forgi'e@ it. It ma$es idols and t e *orld% t e &elief in loss and sacrifice real, t at@s * at I@m learning. Iriting5s a funny t ing. !I once said t at it@s t e ardest *or$ in t e *orld% t oug in a *ay% e *ould say t at. Ce@s al*ays &een for s o*ing * at a conscientious% ard+*or$ing fello* e is% and so e is. Ce can &e a &it =mac o5 in t at sense (laying t e mac ine+li$e male+ t e efficient mac ine. It *as digging is eels in t at &roug t on is (anic attac$s. Ce attem(ted to (loug is *ay t roug t ose too. If I $ne* in ad'ance t at I ad to *rite t is amount of (ages a day% I5d (ro&a&ly &e *ell ac$ed off. -ut it@s 'oluntary. It@s fun% or at least for t e most (art% if t at ma$es any sense, and let@s o(e it does. It@s my sit+do*n comedy. / e (ro&lem *it t e &elief in t e *or$ et ic% as )en Ia(nic$ said% is t at it@s 6ust an ex(ression and reinforcement of t e ego@s &elief in linear time. Para( rasing im% I t in$ e said it in /ime is a 4ast Illusion.

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0ay&e it *as 2aster Pussycat% )ill )ill. 0ot really. / at *as Russ 0eyer. I could murder an egg roll. I@d (ro&a&ly a'e a (anic attac$ if I ad to *rite in suc circumscri&ed terms too% and so muc *it in a relati'ely s ort (eriod of time. Ia(nic$ (oints out t at t e only (ro&lem is t e &elief t ere@s a (ro&lem. "s it@s all only a (ro6ection% t ere can &e no real (ro&lems. I li$e t at. -ut illusions or not% t ey can@t &e ignored eit er% of course. / at@s 6ust anot er form of ma$ing t em real. So many (itfalls% so many ego+tra(s. Painting can feel li$e a c ore for me. It also as its moments. Iriting is undou&tedly t e most interesting. It can old my attention% from sentence to sentence. Sometimes it@s more interesting t an at ot er times% de(ending on t e su&6ect and my feeling of my le'el of com(etence. I can feel I@m getting tra((ed *it in a (articular line of t oug t% or at &est t at it@s going no* ere. -ut t is as only e'er a((ened * en I5'e &oug t or &een tric$ed into &uying t e literal+minded -S of t e ego% * et er of my o*n mind or t e influence of ot ers. -ut t ere are no ot ers. It@s all 6ust an out*ard (icture of * at@s in my mind. If t ere@s unforg'eness% it &egins *it me. I li$e it t at it@s so easy to fill (ages, t at I5m so @fluent@% (rolific e'en. I@m a 'erita&le Cenry 0iller. / e $ing of 'er&al diarr oea (ersonified. It *as !I * o descri&ed is *riting as 'er&al diarr oea. .ood one% !olin. -ut I really li$ed Cenry 0iller@s *riting% reading im for t e first time% from t e age of nineteen to t*enty+one. "nd In /ro(ic of !a(ricorn% e as a real sense of t e corru(tion of t e 1S"% t e s(iritual malaise it suffers from 7 t e same malaise t at is destroying it now. Ce e'en as an intuiti'e sense of t e im(ortance of @! rist@. It5s an interesting% (ossi&ly significant contrast to t e constant anecdotes t at (ut imself in a &ad lig t% t e latter of * ic % !I remar$ed on. I (ut it in ;uotes% &ecause ! rist is us% our true Self outside of time and s(ace% not as t e man Jesus. Peo(le tend to use t em interc angea&ly. =! rist5 sounds less traditional t an Jesus% *it its fundamentalist or ort odox o'ertones% so t ere@s t at too.

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<otes 2rom 3'erground

Trivial Tales of Everyday Madness 2

Wrongdoers eagerly listen to gossi+, liars +ay (lose attention to slander$ -Proverbs #.:/ 0What the su+erior man see1s is in himself2 3hat the lesser man see1s is in others$4 5 The 6nale(ts of Confu(ius #*:2 Every adversity2 every failure2 every hearta(he (arries 3ith it the seed of an e7ual or greater benefit$ 5 8a+oleon 9ill :istrust all in 3hom the urge to +unish is strong -- %riedri(h 8iet;s(he

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Wednesday < 'une 2 #2 Q "s I said% *riting5s a funny t ing. Painting as its moments, time can e'en fly &y. -ut most of t e time I@m 'ery a*are of t e time. 0ost t e time it@s &een a matter of conscience% of (utting in t e time. I *as doing t ree or four ours% say% and I don@t *ant to do any more for t at day. <ot al*ays% &ut usually% and many days I@'e done less or not (ainted at all. / e t oug t of it is often *orse t an t e actuality. I su((ose I could (ut t is do*n to !olin Iilson@s @emotional &ody@% if I *anted to, t e emotions trying it on% as e *ould say, a certain c ildis ness. Iriting is often t e o((osite for me. I lose trac$ of time. <ot al*ays and not ;uite% &ut generally s(ea$ing. I@m not o'erly concerned *it it. It doesn@t feel li$e *or$% as (ainting can. It definitely doesn5t feel li$e *or$ as *or$ did. -y * ic I mean some tedious acti'ity t at doesn@t interest me. I could (ut it anot er *ay and say an acti'ity t at5s &elo* my intellectual ca(a&ilities. / at co'ers most uns$illed la&our% t oug t at doesn@t mean I e'er gras(ed all t e elements of t e situation in an inter(ersonal sense &y any means. "s t ere are narcissists% (assi'e+aggressors in any situation% tric$sters, t e umatons% as Ja$e Corsely *ould say% t e underlying dynamic is all 'ery com(lex. It can &e a matter of emotional% e'en ( ysical sur'i'al% es(ecially in one5s teens. Dou ne'er $ne* * en some ot er t*er(% * et er of similar age or some resentful oldster mig t ta$e a disli$e *it t e intensity% t e t oug t of murder in t eir eart. / ey ad an instincti'e disli$e of intelligence% my diffidence% (assa&le good loo$s and me. " =diamond in t e roug %5 t e guy t e girls mig t go for. / ey $ne* I *asn5t one of t em. Sc ool is a &etter meta( or to re(resent time dragging on. I en6oyed (rimary sc ool for t e most (art% for I *as a (retty $een learner. -y secondary I *asn@t sure * at t e ell *as going on, I *as too 'ain to *ear glasses and t ey still taug t &y &lac$&oard muc of t e time. Englis class *as more &eara&le as *e tended to focus

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on a &oo$% &ut t at *as ruined for me t roug t e tension of my o*n self+consciousness. It *as muc t e same situation as t e family get+toget ers I a& orred so muc % so I su((ose I@'e already gi'en t e &est exam(le. Sitting t ere *it my eyes stinging *it t e tension of it all% t e re(ressed internal conflict% *is ing t e floor mig t s*allo* me u(. #oes time slo* to a 'irtual standstill during actual tortureG Dou@d t in$ t at *ould &e eternity% *ouldn@t youG 3&'iously it isn@t t e same t ing. Eternity is a moment of non+time% t e oly instant% t e ;uantum instant% in microcosmic terms. If t ere@s anyt ing to t e =;uantum instant5 at all% t at is. "s an aside% I once eard a torture 'ictim descri&e t at at a certain (oint% t e (ain 'anis ed% to &e re(laced &y an ex(erience of t e most intense lo'e and *armt . <ice to $no* t at e'en under ( ysical torture one isn@t alone% t oug I already $no* t at, in (rinci(le any*ay. I $no* t at .od isn@t a&sent in any situation. I ta$e t at to mean t e Coly S(irit% t e lin$ &ac$ to .od. It *ould &e nice if e'eryt ing t at e'ery *riter e'er said *as as (rofound% as aut oritati'e as t ey &elie'e it to &e% &ut I@'e found t at@s rarely t e case. It@s really t e study of t e !ourse t at@s &roug t me to t is realisation. "ll manner of *riters% ( iloso( ers% self+(rofessed aut orities on t e study of consciousness% t e mind% <e* "ge guru ty(es ad an ad'erse reaction to it. Some *ere only &eing cautious (er a(s% &ut as t ey came to see it as it t e genuine article it is% you@d t in$ t ey@d see t is from t e outset, ot ers detested it from t e outset and (ro&a&ly a'en@t c anged t eir 'ie*s. #. Patric$ 0iller ga'e a 'ery good account of t is in is study of t e !ourse. I@'e yet to read t e u(dated or ex(anded 'ersion of is &oo$. -ut t e t oug t really ma$es me laug . I feel muc t e same *it !I and is a'ersion to it. / e !ourse is li$e a litmus test for t e self+ a((ointed geniuses% aut orities of any descri(tion% * et er ( iloso( ical% literary% (syc ological or meta( ysicalLs(iritual. )en Iil&ur% and more so / omas 0oore come to mind. Iatc ing t em madly or calmly dissem&le% offering u( t eir (atronising% distorted% myo(ic account of * at t ey &elie'e "!I0 is% re'ealing little &ut t eir o*n unconscious conceit and denial. "lex !onstantine% * o as a more (olitical focus% as

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&een muc t e same% or *orse% considering e tried to (alm it off as an in'ention in mind+control &y t e !I". Cis (roof for t is is t at Iilliam / etford% t e (syc ologist and colleague of Celen Sc ucman% t e =scri&e5 of t e !ourse% also *or$ed for t e 0)1ltra de(artment of t e !I"% o*e'er indirectly. Joe Jesse( % no* deceased% t e former moderator for !ourse /al$% t e grou( on Da oo% *rote an excellent account of t is% a'aila&le on t e net. / ere@s a se(arate study on it no* (u&lis ed in &oo$ form% a'aila&le on "ma?on. Jesse( ex(lains o* t e ego% * en faced *it suc a radical t reat to its existence% *ill go to any lengt s to distort t e message of t e !ourse. Ce also (oints out t at @t e illustrious (syc ologist !arl Rogers@ also did *or$ for t e same de(artment. / at it *asn@t all concerned *it dia&olical% unet ical ex(eriments. -ut I can see * y some (eo(le mig t lea( on t at% seeing it as an undenia&le% sus(icious connection. If t ey *ant to &e mediocre and careless a&out it. 3r use t e same guilt+&y+ association strategies t e Intelligence agencies are notorious for. / e !ourse s(ea$s for itself. "ny genuinely o(en mind can recognise t e ;uality of it. I ic isn5t to say it@s for e'eryone. It isn5t. "s it (oints out itself% t ere are many ot er *ays to .od t at may suit ot ers &etter. "not er guru ty(e% "lan Iatt dismissed t e !ourse% conflating it *it organised religion. !I did muc t e same. It@s all self+dece(tion. Ironic% as !olin Iilson as al*ays &een so 'e ement on t is issue. / e (rotagonist of / e P iloso( ers Stone comes to mind. / at no'el% li$e t e earlier 0ind Parasites *as 'ery muc a&out @ arnessing t e (o*ers of t e mind@ as e *ould (ut it. Cis c aracters ac ie'e su(er uman (o*ers of mind. -asically% t ey use t eir mind to do im(ossi&le ( ysical feats. Ce *as *riting a&out t e same t ing many years later in t e s ort &ut intense non+fiction *or$ "ccess to Inner Iorlds * ere e descri&es mind+exercises focusing on concentration% suc as trying to mo'e a (encil. / is *as al*ays t e focus of is earlier% larger studies% / e 3ccult and 0ysteries. / at and t e (o*ers of t e imagination. Cis account of t e murderer Ro&ert Ir*in *as fascinating, an artist * o &ecame so o&sessed *it t e (o*ers of 'isualisation e let it ta$e o'er is life. Det% * en one t in$s on it% if existence in t e *orld% and t e

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*orld itself are merely (ro6ections of t e mind% a consensus reality t at is no more and no less a mutually agreed on ologram or mass allucination% a&ilities *it in t e dream% e'en =su(er(o*ers5 of t e mind *ould still &e 6ust anot er as(ect of t e dream. / ey may *ell &e 6ust anot er *ay of entra((ing us in t e ego furt er. It@s o&'ious to me t at (syc ic a&ilities exist% and e;ually o&'ious no*% t at t ey can &e (ut to nefarious (ur(oses in t e ser'ice of t e ego% or t ey can &e used for t e &enefit of s(irit% our real sel'es. "ny a&ility of t e mind% suc as tele(at y% t e military+industrial+com(lex *ants to rea( t e &enefits of for t eir o*n (ur(oses. It@s immediately loo$ed on in * at ca(acity it can &e com&ined *it tec nology and utilised for *ar% murder. / ey call it defence. I ate'er gi'es t em t e edge% as t ey see it. / e !I" and / e Stargate Pro6ect come to mind. / ey tested t e a&ilities of remote+'ie*ers li$e Ingo S*ann, e@s also an interesting artist. Pic$nett and Prince discussed it in / e Stargate !ons(iracy. <ot t e same t ing. 1ri .eller said e *as a((roac ed to use is a&ilities for military (ur(oses &ut *asn@t interested. "ny*ay% Ja$e Corsely@s o&ser'ations in 0atrix Iarrior came &ac$ to mind% * ere e said% remar$ing on t e a'erage (erson@s (redilection for su(erficiality% t at it@s t e fact of a &oo$ t at im(resses t em% t at it5s (u&lis ed or not% not * at t e (ages in &et*een t e co'ers mig t say. "not er *ay of (utting it is it@s t e egos (reoccu(ation *it form o'er content. "nd t at@s t e odd (art. <o one as to sol'e anyt ing% or e'en claim t ey a'e% t oug some claim to% suc as !I t roug is =3utsider cycle5. Iriting can &e a 6ourney on so many le'els. It can also &e a &unc of cra( mas;uerading as somet ing else. I at it also does is co'er (ages. Dou can say you *rote ten% or fifteen% t*enty (ages in a day% a no'el in a *ee$% or a mont % or in t e case of Edgar Iallace% t e crime t riller *riter% $noc$ out a mystery o'er t e *ee$end. !I cited t is as an exam(le of t e mind5s (o*ers of concentration% *it out (assing any 6udgement on t e merits of is no'els in intellectual terms% magnanimous fello* t at e is * en it suits im. Ce *as less magnanimous a&out "!I0. :uality is relati'e. If (eo(le en6oy it% if it@s (o(ular% t at@s an

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ac ie'ement. It mig t &e s it to ot ers% li$e t e music of -eyonce to me% or @Hady@ .aga@s for t e most (art% &ut Q "ny oo% (ages get co'ered. /ime flies &y. It can &e difficult to sto(% es(ecially if I a'en@t *ritten for *ee$s. Des% t at a((ens. / ere are many distractions% as you $no*. / ere@s /*itter and t e net in general% and ca&le% and reading% and Q Dou name it. / ere@s --! B 0usic% and Dou /u&e% and stic$ing a cassette or !# into t e mac ine. / ere@s no'els and maga?ines: <exus% and t e occasional 2ortean /imes if t e articles aren@t too samey. I@m not o'erly interested in mystery cats and g osts of t e (ast and (resent no*. I read all a&out t at t roug !I@s &oo$s. It@s t e synt esis as(ect of *riting t at@s t e ardest *or$ in t e *orld. 3ne may as *ell say *e@re tal$ing a&out life as *e ex(erience it. Iriting is *riting a&out life and * at *e ma$e of it% trying to ma$e sense of it. E'ery no'el is only a reflection of o* t e *riter sees t e *orld. Ideally% it s ouldn@t e'en &e ard *or$. Ie ma$e it difficult for oursel'es needlessly, or rat er it@s t e ego in us t at does t is &ecause *e c oose to listen to t at (art of oursel'es. Ie &elie'e it@s * o *e are% t at *it out its t oug ts% its 6udgements% *e@d &e lost. Ie &elie'e our o*n understanding is 'ery im(ortant% crucial in fact% for &eing in control. / at@s also t e matrix in a nuts ell. It *as also% as !I descri&ed% t e reason for is (anic attac$s, t at t e @emotional &ody@ 7 is term 7 t e ego% &elie'es it@s on its o*n. Ce ex(ressed it in terms of forgetting t at t ere@s a el(er% t e intuiti'e a*areness of t e rig t &rain. I ic is fine% &ut t e &rain is 6ust a (art of t e (syc ological &ody% an as(ect of t e ego too. / e mind as not ing to do *it t e &rain. I@m glad *e5'e cleared t at u( again. Iriting a&out !I% I find I really *ant to read im again% s(ecifically is &iogra( y on Steiner% and Jung too: / e Hord of / e 1nder*orld. / ere5s also 2ran$enstein5s !astle. / ese are ;uite s ort &oo$s% &ut 6am+(ac$ed *it ideas. Ce@s almost al*ays a fascinating read% o*e'er exas(erating or e'asi'e I mig t find im no*. Ce@s certainly a*are of t e (olitical orrors of t e *orld% remar$ing on it in (assing% in / e -oo$ of /ime. I t in$ t e idea is e (refers not to address t e more @cons(iratorial@ as(ects directly% one mig t say. / at e (refers to $ee( t ings on

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a ig er% more intellectually @a&stract@ le'el, to &e as uni'ersal as (ossi&le, e5s 'ery 'ery good at it. / is mig t sound unli$ely, t e contrast is in is *ritings a&out criminals and crime% suc as serial $illers. / ey a'e no (olitical affiliations for t e most (art% so t ey (resent no (ro&lems in t at sense. Ce did touc in a s(eculati'e manner on t e *ider as(ects of #a'id -er$o*it?% * o5d said e *as *or$ing in tandem *it a 'ast satanic net*or$. / e =esta&lis ment@% t e P/-% t e Illuminati% t e <I3 isn@t too muc of a (ro&lem for !I% 6ust as t ey5re not for most (eo(le. / ey sim(ly don@t exist for im. Ce mig t 6ustifia&ly slag off t e --! as e did in is early auto&iogra( y% or *rite a fascinating account of t e (olitically moti'ated murders of dissidents in Stalin@s former regime% as *ell as co'er t e 0c!art y earings of t e >0s in !riminal Cistory and e'en Israel@s treatment of t e Palestinians% com(aring it to t e <a?is% &ut e doesn@t seem to see any o'erall (attern% let alone a sinister one. Ce5s ad not ing to say a&out t e 2-I@s !ointel(ro (rograms% orLand its undeclared *ar on and arassment of 123 =contactees5% e'en t oug e@s *ritten ;uite extensi'ely on t e 123 ( enomenon, t ere@s is "lien #a*n. Ce as not ing to say a&out NL11 and t e discre(ancies and illogicalities of t e official account. 3ne assumes e must &e a*are t at it@s (ossi&le to get on t e *rong side of t e Intelligence agencies% or @e'en@ t e (olice &y criticising t em. Ce didn@t see any cons(iracy5. I t in$ e@s 'ery careful a&out * at e says. Cis first (riority *as al*ays is family% or *as, t at and continuing to *rite. Ce5s al*ays (resented imself as if e *rote *it a&solute trans(arency% &ut e as an e'asi'e style% and could react *it intense anger * en c allenged. I don@t t in$ e@s as @indi'iduated@ in t e Jungian sense% or as im(artial or o&6ecti'e as e ma$es imself out to &e. <ot t at I can &lame im for it. I 6ust t in$ t e =c ic$ens are coming ome to roost5 no*% so to say, all t at s ado* side in t e (olitical *orld t at e ignored% as if it and its =actual matrix (lan5 *as ne'er t e o'erarc ing% all+encom(assing crux of t e matter% at least in terms of e'eryday im(act. / e *orld *as *aiting for #a'id Ic$e to a((ear% and ot ers for t at matter. -ut Ic$e is o&'iously t e most im(ortant in t at e as t e most (enetrating

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and *ide+ranging 'ie* of t e agenda o'erall% * ate'er is o*n =&lind s(ots5 or e'asions. Ce tends to react angrily on t at score too. -ut it5s not as if anyone is under any o&ligation to *rite a&out it. / e !ourse doesn@t e'en deal *it t ings t at are central to our ex(erience of t e *orld% suc as science and all t e &ranc es of science. 2acim and Ia(nic$ don@t concern t emsel'es *it t e <I3 or Illuminati in any o'ert *ay eit er% t oug t eyL e as *ritten a&out t e e'er+*idening ga( &et*een t e ric and t e (oor as an illustration of t e real state of affairs &elying t e *ords of t e *ell intentioned. Ce also stated t e In;uisition is still 'ery muc *it us% t is s ortly after NL11% and t at it *ill get *orse &efore it gets &etter. I didn@t ;uite understand t is at t e time. 3ddly enoug % )en !arey@s sourceLs for / e / ird 0illennium say muc t e same t ing in t e / e Iorld Economic Scul(ture c a(ter% * ic as good as (redicted t e economic colla(se, t is &ac$ in 1NN1. I ile *e5re on t e su&6ect% I meant to mention !I@s auto&iogra( y% #reaming to Some Pur(ose again and is (re'arications a&out *riting it. I reread some of is remar$s again recently on Iilson *orld% a serious fan site t at !I as referred to as is *e&site% * ic is u( to im. / ey o&'iously don@t mind, are 'ery li$ely flattered in fact. Ce@s al*ays &een 'ery (ragmatic a&out *riting. Ce ad a li'ing to ma$e. / e t oug t of *or$ing in an office again ga'e im nig tmares. "nd * o can &lame imG Ce *rites a&out it 'ery entertainingly in t e no'el / e Iorld of 4iolence% &ac$ in 1NB4. I couldn5t (icture im s(ending muc time on t e net% *riting a &log etc., and certainly not s(ending time on /*itter. <eit er does Ro&ert ! arles Iilson or .eorge !oc$croftLHu$e R ine art. Ce5s getting on a &it no*% as is !I. "s is my dad. Ce% !I% said * en e *as a((roac ed to *rite t e auto&iogra( y e told t e (u&lis er e couldn@t see any (oint as e@d already *ritten one. "s if e didn@t $no*. Hi$e I don5t $no* eit er. I stum&led on it * en I *as t*enty% excited &eyond measure o'er t e (ros(ect of reading it% along *it / e Iorld of !olin Iilson% t e early &iogra( y &y Sydney !am(ion% from 1NB1. !I *as t irty at t e time. It *as sitting gat ering dust in t e &asement of -romley (u&lic li&rary. It ad (ro&a&ly sat t ere

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on a s elf * ile -o*ie as #a'id Ro&ert Jones *as still at -romley /ec Sc ool% &efore &eing relegated to t e catacom&s. I5m guessing -o*ie ne'er read it% a'id reader t at e is and li$ely *as% not*it standing. I at *ere you doing in -romley% I ear you cryG / at@s anot er story. / e (u&lis er made !I an offer to *rite t e later auto&iogra( y% &ut it must@'e &een too lo* as e said e couldn@t (ossi&ly do it for any less t an V1B000. Isn@t *riting *onderfulG Ce as t em in a (osition * ere t ey@re &idding for im to *rite a&out imself% increasing is o*n fame and re(utation+ or infamy% de(ending on * o5s reading it, I5m tal$ing a&out t e more small+minded critics. Theyll &e long forgotten. Pro&a&ly. / e t ing is% e@d already stated t at is earlier auto&iogra( y *as @a (reliminary auto&iogra( y@. Ce *as t irty+fi'e * en it *as (u&lis ed. I don@t t in$ I a'e a co(y anymore. I@'e ad at least t*o in my time. "nd t ree of !am(ion@s /I3!I 8t oug I adn@t $no*n e@d *ritten a se;uel% un(u&lis edO9. -ut it@s t ere on t e inside (age% as a su&+ eading. It must &e. I couldn5t a'e imagined it. So to say t at *riting anot er one *ould &e (ointless *as disingenuous% to say t e least. " (olite term for a do*nrig t lie% I al*ays t in$. <ot t at I &lame im. I at *as e su((osed say under t e circumstancesG @Des% of course I *ill. I@m a&solutely dyin to *rite my mature auto&iogra( y. I@d al*ays intended to. It5s no* or ne'er. I@d do it for peanutsO@ <o% you@re going to (rofess a com(lete lac$ of interest. Dou@re going to (lay = ard to get5. <ot t at I can &lame im% as I say. I o *ouldG -ut is account is misleading. Ce could as a'e easily &een candid a&out it later. 0ay&e e *as. I don@t $no* * y no one (oints out t ese &latantly o&'ious discre(ancies. I *ouldn5t ex(ect is (u&lis er% 4irgin -oo$s to $no* anyt ing a&out it% and e *ould $no* t at too. Cis long+term fans and admirers *ould $no* too. I don@t t in$ anyone *ould old it against im. 3ne could almost descri&e it as uns(o$en collusion. Ce al*ays intended to *rite a later% more considered auto&iogra( y. It@s o&'ious e ad a lot to say too% 'ery interesting stories to tell% of t e literary greats and not so greats e $ne*% as *ell as actors. / ere *ere some =sur(risingly5 6uicy as(ects to is (ersonal life too. / is is a

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ty(ical% if more innocuous instance of * at I mean &y e'asi'e. 3ne could say t at to a'e s(elt it out *ould &e &ad form on is (art% or t at it@s 6ust a matter of (rofessional di(lomacy% and t at may *ell &e true. I 6ust find it annoying. I don@t t in$ (eo(le are all t at sensiti'e. / ere@s a su&tle% indirect dis onesty to it to me. It@s e'asion &y omission. It may *ell &e t e first cousin to indirect aggression. !ertainly it@s a selecti'e (erce(tion. -ut t at@s u( to im. It@s is c oice o* e c ooses to communicate. -ut t e (ro&lem *it suc di(lomacy is t at it misinforms. Ce ad is reasons. / ere@s no need to carry it on after t e fact% so to s(ea$. I t in$ e (ro&a&ly ad is reasons to &e disingenuous o'er / e Stargate !ons(iracy too. I t in$ t at it@s all (retty muc as Pic$nett and Prince say it is. I t in$ t ere *as and is a idden% co'ert% fundamentalist agenda. / e 0atrix long in t e ma$ing. "nd t at it@s ere in all its insanely self+rig teous y(ocrisy no*% seeing enemies e'ery* ere. / e @*orld@ *as going nut? and e could a'e as easily c osen to see it for * at it is and * ere it *as eaded% and say so% 6ust as Ic$e *as doing% &ut e didn@t. Ce c ose to &e 'ery muc of an @Insider@ a&out it. <ot t at I can &lame it on im% or anyt ing else.

%riday$ I@d also ad it in mind to say somet ing in (assing a&out Ic$e@s ollo*L5S(aces i( 0oon5% t oug e5s (u&lis ed anot er

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&oo$ since% t at I5'e still to &uy: Remem&er I o Dou "re. I t in$ e@s (ro&a&ly rig t. -ut it@s so far a*ay% relati'ely s(ea$ing t at it@s almost meaningless to t e a'erage (erson unless you a((en to &e an astronomer% cosmologist% astrologer or astronaut. 3r @creator@ of Star Iars (rograms. It@s suc an outlandis % unt in$a&le notion t at it &eggars &elief. It (ositi'ely defies it% my dear. It *ould &e t e &iggest /ro6an orse in istory, literally% unless *e@re tal$ing a&out some immense 7 =colossal5 is (ro&a&ly t e o(erati'e *ord 7 cloa$ed mot er s i( of t e sort featured in Inde(endence #ay. -ut it isn@t Ic$e@s idea in any case% as suc . Ce indirectly ac$no*ledges t is% &ut doesn@t s(ecifically name any (re'ious *riters on t e su&6ect. Jim 0arrs5 "lien "genda comes to mind% * ere% among ot er t ings% e *rites a&out mysterious lig ts and ex(losions seen on t e moon from early last century on*ards% (ossi&ly earlier. It@s u( to #a'id Ic$e * o e c ooses to mention of course% &ut I don@t t in$ t ere *ould@'e &een any arm in mentioning t at it *as P)# * o reintroduced t e notion t at Rome ne'er ended. / is *as a central t eme of 4alis% and t e (ost umously (u&lis ed Radio 2ree "l&emut . Ie@re left to assume it@s #a'id Ic$e@s idea. /rue% #ic$ *as carrying on t e &elief of t e .nostics e@d studied% as *ell as t eir con'iction t e *orld is a -lac$ Iron Prison 7 not to mention t eir increasing insig t into t e *orld as an illusion 7 and it@s true t at Ic$e gi'es it is o*n s(in and e'en *ider or more ex austi'e context in (olitical terms% and% it could &e argued% in meta( ysical and (syc ological terms too% if it *eren@t for is a'ersion to any t emes% unli$e #ic$% t at mig t foster a more o(en+minded en;uiry into t e true istory of ! ristianity t roug .nosticism% t oug e@s a((y to use t e term -lac$ Iron Prison too. !I once said t at t e reason e cites so many ot ers is for t e (ur(oses of illustration. It@s a matter of constant u(dating% and informati'e and interesting for t at reason. I *ould add t at it can gi'e one@s o*n ideas a certain added credi&ility too. I t in$ e indicated as muc . -ut I@'e already outlined o* &ot e and Ic$e can &e selecti'e in t eir t emes and exam(les% o*e'er ex austi'ely t ey ex(lore t ose t emes. Ic$e seems more intent on claiming some t ings for imself% suc as t e idea t at t e

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*orld is a dream% a (ro6ection of t e mind% citing is o*n+ c annelled sources for suc a notion, and a true one. -ut it@s some* at remiss% to say t e least% to cite only current scientific ideas t at *ould &ac$ it u(% suc as ologrammatic t eory% *it out including it in its *ider =religious5 istorical context. -ut t at@s u( to t em. Ie a'e )en Ia(nic$@s uge tome% Ho'e #oes <ot !ondemn for t at. / ere@s a famous ;uote of .urd6ieff@s in t e (reliminary (ages to Ic$e@s Hion. I did read t e &oo$. It *as fantastic% for t e most (art. -y * ic I mean it *as ;uite mind+ &lo*ing% &rilliant. It@s (ro&a&ly true no one ta$es t e notion t at t e moon is ollo* 8as is t e Eart 9 furt er t an im% along *it t e myriad interconnections e ma$es to so many ot er areas. I t in$ e sees t is as gi'ing im t e legitimacy to not ac$no*ledge ot ers as e mig t% as *ell as a reflection of is *is to &e seen as almost * olly original 8Ra6nees G3s o ad some interesting t ings to say on t is9. -ut no one is under any o&ligation not to remar$ on (ossi&le omissions or erroneous (resum(tions% suc as t at Jesus ne'er existed% istorically. 3us(ens$y% one of t e leading disci(les of t e .raeco+"rmenian magus% .urd6ieff% *rote% in In Searc of t e 0iraculous% is study of .urd6ieff@s (syc ology and cosmology% t at e% .% &elie'ed man is food for t e moon. I read t e &oo$ * en I *as t*enty+ t ree% as *ell as a * ole num&er of ot ers on .urd6ieff. I@d found im ;uite fascinating after rereading !I@s &iogra( y / e Iar "gainst Slee(% (u&lis ed in 1NM0 * en I *as t*enty or so. Ca'ing reread it% as I *as al*ays (rone to doing *it !I@s &oo$s 8I read / e !raft of / e <o'el fi'e times o'er t e years% as I did t e earlier / e 0an Iit out a S ado*9% I made an effort to trac$ do*n as many &oo$s on im as I could. I en6oyed )en Ial$er@s% and 2rit? Peters5 accounts% as *ell as In Searc of / e 0iraculous% and .urd6ieff5s o*n 0eetings Iit Remar$a&le 0en% &ut I *as flagging &y t e time I *as reading 3us(en$y@s / e 2ourt *ay and t e large tomeLs &y Rodney !ollins. It *as &etter to reread !I on t em in 0ysteries, and / e Su(ernatural% anot er large tome. I also ga'e u( on .5s uge -eel?e&u&5s /ales to Cis .randson% an e(ic of intentional o&scurity to *eed out t e

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dilettantes% as *ell as &ring a&out a transformation of consciousness, a((arently. So as al*ays% I *asn@t entirely conscientious or assiduous in my dedication. I *as still listening to as muc music% classical too% &ut as mad a&out Jo n Peel as e'er% *it is 2esti'e >0. I tended still to a'e too muc of a *ould+&e autodidacts a((roac % collecting / e Story of Po( again% t e (art *or$ I@d &oug t in my teens and t at featured a s(lit+faced -o*ie and El'is on t e front co'er. / ey $ne* e'en t en e *as centrally im(ortant. I@d also (ic$ed u( a &unc of !rimes and Punis ment mags in t e #ens Road 0ar$et * en I stayed close &y in #undonald Street. I ad too many seemingly conflicting% yet oddly related interests. It *as ard to (ut a finger on it% see any $ind of o'erall (attern. !I *ould do t is a mere t*o years later *it is !riminal Cistory of 0an$ind. I really needed to &e li'ing alone to ma$e t e &est of t ings and sense of it all% as *ell as t e more (ragmatic and long+ tem as(iration to form a &and and not 6ust read and listen my life a*ay% not let myself &e coo(ed u( *it and controlled &y cra?y narcissists. I *as al*ays one to &e fooled &y a =(oor me5 story. I *as s*am(ed &y distraction and tri'iality. Reading !I and ot ers% as *ell as listening to Peel *as a lifeline in a *ay, t e only real t read in my life t at made it *ort li'ing. / at and t e e'er+(resent dream of music and sex. /ra'el and money *ere more (eri( eral. "t t at age% t e *orld *as one5s oyster% or t at *as t e idea. It *asn@t ;uite *or$ing out t at *ay. I *as letting ot er (eo(le% cle'erly% su&tly% t *art my am&itions% and &etray my o*n multi+faceted talent. Heft to myself% *it out t e emotional conflicts of t e situation% I5d a'e learned to &e more directly communicati'e% in &ot my (ersonal life and t roug * ate'er else I c ose% * et er music 7 singing and (laying% or *riting or &ot % not existing in t is continually 'acillating lim&o% feeling t ings *ere destined to fore'er run a course (arallel to my (lans and am&itions. #ra*ing% t en (ainting% @fore'er@ trying to scra(e money toget er% raise t e necessary funds for t e e;ui(ment I@d need% fore'er reading and dreaming instead of *riting in case I offended anyone% &ut s(ecifically t e

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y(ersensiti'e narcissist I *as li'ing *it . If domesticity is t e deat of creati'ity% t is *as it. I could o(erate on a relati'ely lo*er le'el of functioning 7 (ainting street scenes and landsca(es *as ne'er really for me% or so I t oug t 7 &ut a'ing any sense of &eginning to &e @myself@% of =li'ing my o*n destiny5 *as getting lost in t e 'ery act of li'ing and trying to $ee( my ead a&o'e *ater. 3ften intensely sexually acti'e% t e situation *as still dee(ly unsatisfying. I *ouldn@t fully ac$no*ledge to myself o* unsatisfying t is =lifestyle5% *as to myself% as *ell as t at a more @&o emian@% e'en ad'enturous one *as far more suited to my tem(erament and sense of c allenge% in creati'e terms. / e situation *as going no* ere. I co(ed &y li'ing in my ead for t e most (art. I *as &arely e'en a*are of t e discre(ancy &y t e (ossi&ility of * at I could &e *riting and t e fact t at I &arely *rote at all. I $e(t it all in my ead% or tal$ed it all a*ay * en gi'en t e o((ortunity. -ut mainly I carried around t is intensely conflicted% creati'ely frustrated alter ego of sorts. Ialter Ego. Det% (aradoxically more =me5 at times t an t e e'eryday self and life I ex(erienced% *asting ours% afternoons% e'enings on end% ogling *omen * ere'er I *as and not &eing in a (osition to do anyt ing a&out it. / e emotional com(lications *ould &e far too tedious 8and com(licated9 to deal *it . It *as &etter 6ust not to roc$ t e &oat% to en6oy * at I did as &est I could% li'e more comforta&ly t an if I ad stayed in my ome to*n% succum&ing to *atc ing /4 * en I *asn@t out% &ot reading and ogling &ut not *riting% and% if not ;uite 'egetating 7 &ecause t ere *as al*ays some excellent /4 (rogs% series% films etc% as no*% regardless of * at (eo(le in t eir one+dimensionally dismissi'e outloo$ say% t en certainly feeling I *as li'ing someone else5s life, or at least not ;uite my o*n. I ad to find out for myself * at I *anted to do% not &e continually dominated (syc ically% emotionally &y t is @*e+t in$@ situation. If I *as to ma$e mista$es% and I 'ery li$ely *ould% it s ould &e on my o*n terms. Hater. It@s funny 8as in odd% not H3H9, e'en -o*ie@s mime se;uence during t e instrumental &rea$ of Iidt of a !ircle *as a strange and unex(ected t ing for im to do at t e time% not

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$no*ing muc a&ut is (ast istory. It loo$ed to me li$e e *as trying to ma$e is *ay into an in'isi&le s(aces i(. /urns out it *as some sort of meta( or for a s ift into anot er dimension and a &out of astral tra'el. 3r t at@s o* it loo$s too% and t at@s as good an inter(retation as any. I en you *atc % and listen to -o*ie% you *ant to &e im. It seems t e most natural% t e most 6oyous *ay to &e and t ing to do. " lot of (eo(le felt li$e t is. It@s as muc &ased on en'y% &ut it stems from lo'e too% I@m sure. 3r t e closest t ing to lo'e t e ego can ac ie'e in one5s teen years. "nd t at can &e as close to t e real t ing at times% in some of us any*ay. 3ne t ing t at comes across% *atc ing is last concert% as Aiggy Stardust again% is t at o*e'er calculated t e circumstances, e really en6oys * at e@s doing 8I o@s doing all t e &ac$ing @a s@ in I ite lig t I ite CeatG9. Ce doesn5t a'e any ;ualms a&out it at all. I o doesG Ce@s in is element. It@s all a&out im and it@s great of course and *as great at t e time. Cis (resence% is ac ie'ement% is * ole (ersona and music (ermeate your mind. "not er (art of me no*% t e more adult cynical (art% t in$s of all t ose $ids scra(ing t e cas toget er for t ose gigs 7 or t e one gig. "nd for t e records of course, me too. It all made im mega ric % if e'entually. <o dou&t lots of students and la*yers etc. &oug t is music too and *ent to see im. I ad more (reoccu(ations and interests t an -o*ie@s music and lyrics co'ered% t oug % as ! arles S aar 0urray said near t e end of is article on -o*ie 8/ e #istur&ing -o*ie9 for t at first issue of / e Story of Po(% is influences *ere far *ider t an *ere included in a &unc of songs% or *ords to t at effect. I found t at im(ressi'e in my mid+teens. It inted at mysterious de(t s and a com(lexity of mind. I *as (ro&a&ly modest enoug not to realise t at my interest reflected * at I felt a&out myself% if unconsciously% and &ecause it *as unconscious. Ie couldn@t articulate is dee( a((eal% &ut * at did it matterG "s !S0 said in t e same article% e articulated emotions *e couldn@t% or didn@t $no* *e ad. 3ne of t ose. -ut o&'iously e *as s(ea$ing to somet ing in us, t at *e *ere reflections% mirrors of eac ot er. Cis (ersona *as 6ust more accom(lis ed% rounded% integrated% at least on t e face of it. I *as al*ays going to &e loo$ing for t e

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ans*ers in my reading% and t at@s t e *ay it *as. / is turned out to &e t e ans*er% as I felt * en I redisco'ered "!I0 years later * en I *as t*ice t e age I *as at t e time. I@d stum&led on it a fe* years earlier at t e age of t*enty+six% &ut *as still ea'ily into !I and% muc li$e im% if un&e$no*nst to me at t e time% didn@t muc feel li$e trying to (loug my *ay t roug an a&struse loo$ing 1200 (age tome. I at I needed *as to &e less (reoccu(ied% distracted% and stum&le on one or t*o c oice (aragra( s t at gra&&ed my attention. / is a((ened * en I *as at my younger &ro@s, e ad t e &oo$ on is mantel(iece. -o*ie@s an =enigma5. <o one really $no*s * at t e ell is songs are a&out. 3r ! don5t. Ce@s singing "s es to "s es for t e (erformance at t e --! Radio / eatre. "nd t at5s (art of t e deal% t e acce(ted understanding and artifice of it all. Ie don@t care% as long as t e music@s great and e $no*s * at e@s doing, and e usually does. / e song is is re'isiting is 0a6or /om c aracter% according to t e &lur& on a (rogramme s o*n 6ust earlier. / at al*ays made me laug . "s if *e@re tal$ing a&out some sort of ma6or literary figure% no (un intended% if (un it is. It@s 6ust t e c aracter e used for is first it% S(ace 3ddity% *ritten * en e *as t*enty+one I assume% released * en e *as t*enty+t*o. It@s great% &ut it isn@t / e 3utsider. / e rest of t e al&um 7 el(ee 7 it@s featured on S(ace 3ddity of course% is (retty com(lex% in'ol'ed, or some of t e songs are% as is t e case *it t e later el(ees 7 long (layers% t e 0an I o Sold t e Iorld% and Cun$y #ory at t e grand old age of t*enty+t ree and t*enty+four res(ecti'ely. 0oonage #aydream and ot ers on Aiggy Stardust are great of course% &ut #iamond #ogs% t e al&um% is more com(lex again% lyrically and musically lus % in'ol'ed. "ny*ay% "s es to as es *as a&out is fall into addiction% a((arently. Ce mentions 0a6or /om. So t at@s recreating is o*n myt os% (laying on it% ex(anding on it. It all seemed (retty tenuous to me% suc as is later @c aracter@% t e / in I ite #u$e. /o me% 6ust -o*ie again% in a suit and different aircut and songs% &ut (laying many of t e same ones too. <ot t at I e'er sa* t e s o*. Cis earlier =soul &oy5 c aracter% circa #iamond #ogs and (re Doung "mericans *as a &it odd% &ut I li$ed t e c ange in singing style

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and o* e reinter(reted is o*n songs. Ce actually mor( ed into //I#u$e in t e middle of is "merican tour% dis(ensing *it most of t e massi'e stage set. / is *as all t e more intriguing in t e lig t of is (re'ious Aiggy c aracter. .od $no*s * at *e@d a'e made of im if Aiggy ad ne'er existed% coming on li$e some ;uasi+cosmic 2ran$ Sinatra. Ce *ouldn@t a'e ad t e audience. Ce got t at t roug t e success of Starman% a =li'e5 (erformance after a((earing on /o( of / e Po(s. It was li'e, it5s 6ust t at it5s &roadcast later t en recorded. 3nce (eo(le could (ut a face and (ersona to t e song% it came to life% and so did is career. -ut t at (otentiality and talent *ould al*ays &e t ere% * et er it did or not. I@m reminded of !I@s remar$s in Poetry and 0ysticism. I read it * en I *as t*enty+t ree% still dreaming of music of course% a career t at ne'er came a&out. Ce@d said t at e'en if a &orn *riter ne'er *rites a *ord% t ey5d al*ays &e a &orn *riter. It no* seems a (retty o&'ious t ing to say% &ut I $ne* t at on some le'el it ad far (rofounder im(lications% (rofound as it *as. I (ro&a&ly more t an identified *it it% a*are of t e 'ery real (ossi&ility it could a((ly to me or more t an I5d li$e if I *eren5t careful% or couldn5t get industrious for some reason. !om(ounded &y t e a*areness I *asn@t e'en getting music toget er% let alone organise my life and t oug ts into some sort of co erent% @*riterly@ * ole and role. 0ay&e in a later incarnation, (er a(s. Put on my t in$ing glasses e'ery day% li$e !I% and I@m Iriter 0an. 0y su(er uman @intellectual@ alter ego% my &etter self. " *ould+&e S erloc$ Colmes of sorts% li$e !I mself. Iit out t e 'iolin and drug a&it. -o*ie must a'e felt some sort of lac$% some ga( in imself% is (syc e% to *ant to fill it *it eroin and cocaine. Some un$no*n (art of imself e *asn@t connected to. / at seems dou&ly ironic in t e lig t of t e emotional de(t of is music% or% to (ut it anot er *ay% it@s intensely emoti'e ;uality. It &rings to mind t e clic T of t e @sad clo*n@ comedian again. #e(ressi'es% as is often t e case% ma$ing e'eryone else laug % &ringing some 6oy into t eir li'es% and mine. Cumour% li$e music as al*ays ad a @neutral@ ;uality t oug . -o*ie *or$ed *it -rian Eno% formerly of Roxy 0usic of course% t e early glam and

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electronic &and. Eno is *ell $no*n to &e an at eist. Ce *as com(limentary a&out Ric ard #a*$ins@ / e .od #elusion% sounding li$e a ty(ical s$e(tic. Hots of comedians a'e t e same outloo$. 3ne could say t ey fall into t e fundamentalist materialist category also% or most of t em. "s dogmatic and rigid in t eir 'ie*s as any good c urc goer. / e same goes for t e scientific outloo$ t ey ad ere to% if it *eren@t for t at most of t e scientists t ey &elie'e in are as dece(ti'e and self+decei'ing as t emsel'es. Pseudo+scientists is t e o(erati'e descri(tion. / ey ne'er see t is. / ey5re not as discerning as t ey &elie'e t emsel'es to &e. "s if I@m going to s(end my life loo$ing u( to *ell+meaning t*on$s li$e Ste( en 2ry% anot er famous de(ressi'e. / e stu(id (erson@s cle'er (erson% as Ru(ert S eldra$e recently (ut it. <arcissists and (syc o(at s can &e 'ery funny% 'ital (eo(le too. I@'e ex(erienced it. I@m a*are t at I must s are some of t e same (syc ic elements, t at *e@re all 6ust (ro6ections% mirror images of eac ot er. Science doesn@t &elie'e in suc a t ing% and neit er do most comedians% I5m sure. / ey &elie'e in molecules and matter. 2art% s it and =ass ole5 6o$es. / ey@'e more in common *it t e (syc e and (reoccu(ations of classic (syc o(at s t an t ey mig t e'er guess or ac$no*ledge to t emsel'es. -ut as -illy !onnolly once said% it@s a&out dis(elling% exorcising t e sense of s ame t at centres around t e &ody t at (olite% re(ressed society *ould a'e us &elie'e doesn@t exist * ile a'ing us feel 'ery guilty a&out it in t e (rocess. 3r *ords to t at effect. So (er a(s (syc o(at s a'e *ent too muc to t e o((osite extreme in a sense% denying t at 'ery guilt * ile t ey (ro6ect it and see it e'ery* ere and in e'eryone else. Some comedians tend to a'e t e same self+rig teous% (seudo or *ould+ &e moralistic outloo$ t at amounts to little more t an y(ocrisy% dissociation% dressing and &e a'ing li$e o'ergro*n sc oolgirls * ile mout ing off a&out ra(ists and (aedo( iles% t e (erfect foil for ex(ressing unconscious or indirect% idden atred to*ards men t roug ma$ing semi+ umorous associations. It@s a moc$ emotional maturity% a misguided attitude, guilt &y association% suggestion, circular as al*ays% 6ust anot er (art of t e (ro&lem in t at it *ould &elie'e t e unconscious guilt and &elief in =sin5 it5s

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attracted to can &e (ro6ected onto ot ers% t e gi'ea*ay t at t e ( ysicalists *ill ne'er find t e solution to it t roug t eir o*n (syc ological orientation and rigid (age t ree girl mindset% along *it t e useful idiot (oliticians t ey tend to &elie'e in. In s ort% it@s su(erficial. "nd (artly * y I ne'er too$ to t e motion of &eing a =mere5 comedian eit er% a((y and ric as it seems to ma$e many of t em% as long as t ey $ee( ta$ing t eir meds to $ee( t emsel'es on an =e'en5 emotional $eel. / ey@d ne'er dream of c anging t eir t oug ts or conce(t of t emsel'es t oug . "s if t at as no relation as to o* t ey feel a&out t emsel'es and t e *orld and o* t ey (ercei'e it. -ut *e all do it. 0urderers and serial $illers 6ust ta$e it to its illogical% insane extreme. It@s t eir minds and emotions t at are out of control. / eir &e a'iour is * at stems from it% (ro6ected out onto a *orld t at is itself only a (ro6ection. !omedians don@t seem to &e 'ery &ig on (ro6ection% in terms of understanding it. / ey see t emsel'es as @edgy@ * ile (retty muc to*ing t e ( ysicalist line% re(eating t e same tired old 'ariations and mantras, &ut only some.

"aturday QRereading Ja$e Corsley@s 0"/RIJ I"RRI3R 7 -eing t e 3ne 8for years I@'e $e(t mista$ing it as -ecoming t e 3ne9. It5s only &eginning to sin$ in 6ust o* influenced I@'e &een &y it% t oug * ere t at influence &egins and it 6ust so a((ens to resonate *it me% considering I@'e &een influenced &y "!I0%

23B

!arey and ot ers o'er many years &efore% is anyone5s guess, if t ey *ere so inclined. Cis insig t is ;uite remar$a&le t oug . It@s more t an t at. If e@s ne'er studied t e !ourse% isn@t a*are of t ese &oo$s at t e time of *riting 7 it *as (u&lis ed in 2003 * en e *as 40 or so 7 t en it@s do*nrig t incredi&le. -ut muc t e same o&ser'ation a((lies to t e film t e &oo$ is &ased on: / e 0atrix of course% and I5m sure e5s studied t e .nostics too. It all seems to &e as muc a case of t e general =?eitgeist5, t at t e time *as ri(e for t ese ideas. I *as saying as muc &ac$ in t e mid+ late N0s% to an esoteric 123 &uff I $ne*% t is 6ust &efore e left for !anada. / en% s ortly afterQ &oom% / e 0atrix a((ears. I ad already &een mesmerised% fascinated &y .round og #ay% &ased on t e earlier film 12.01% itself &ased on an earlier s ort drama. " man *a$es to $ee( re(eating t e same day% o'er and o'er. I at could &e a &etter meta( or for t e un oly instant of "!I0 I t oug t% t e moment of se(aration% &ac$ in time so long ago% so ancient% t at *e a'e no memory of it% e'en t oug it ne'er a((ened in realityG " &it too in'ol'ed for t e sco(e of t e t eme t e films *ere &ased on% &ut I@d (ic$ed u( on t is s ortly after seeing .#% s ortly after it *as released. .o figure. It *as (re+Internet for me &y a good num&er of years% t oug I did *aste my related o&ser'ations in letters to t e self+confessed narcissist I a((ened to &e in'ol'ed *it at t e time% rat er t an focusing on some =serious5 *riting (ro6ect of any $ind. I@ll a'e *asted it in 6ournals too% since lost or stolen &y some faction of t e sinister minions of t e P/-. It@s &eing going on for a * ile. -ut / e 0atrix did go more dee(ly into t ese meta( ysical t emes% &ringing t e notion of t e *orld as a $ind of dream% an artificial construct% a simulacrum% as are *e *it in t e confines of it% to a mass audience, itself an as(ect of t e dream of course. / ere *ere similar t emes in /otal Recall% t e film &ased on t e P)# story% Ie !an Remem&er it 2or Dou I olesale% &ut I@m not a&out to try and unra'el and com(are t em rig t no*. / ere *as also a (rogramme in t e /*ilig t Aone series called S ado* Play starring Peter !oyote as a murderer re(eating t e same situation o'er and o'er in court. Ce@s sentenced to deat of course. / e ;uestion is * et er e@s guilty or not. It *ould &e% *ouldn5t itG

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3ne could say t at story got to t e eart of t e matter in its relati'e &re'ity. In e'ery story% e'ery film% t e c aracter can only &e redeemed &y a'ing &een found not to a'e committed t e act * ate'er it may &e. ="lternati'ely5% t ere5s ex(iation% suc as t e sentence ser'ed &y Ras$olni$o' for is crime of murdering t e old (a*n&ro$er *oman in !rime and Punis ment. @2orgi'eness@ is t erefore% &ased on t e assum(tion t at sin% guilt and deat is real. In s ort% t at t is *orld% t e @matrix@ is real. / ere can no real forgi'eness in suc a *orld. It all comes to t e (remise t at certain &e a'iours as *ell as &odies and t e *orld in * ic t ey exist are o&6ecti'ely real. If anyone =scre*s u(%5 t ey scre* u( for good. Cey% t e * ole *orld5s a scre* u(% 6ust in case you adn5t noticed. <ot only are t ey s ut out of t e *orld% t eir condemners *ill s ut t em out of ea'en too. / ey don@t need to as$ .od@s o(inion on t e matter, t ey can s(ea$ for im. / at@s * at it comes do*n to, t at@s * y t is *orld% and t e * ole ( enomenal uni'erse is a cosmic tra(% a cons(iracy of t e ego. Ie made it so *e@ll ne'er see our *ay out% round% or t roug it, 6ust to (ara( rase Iells. /rue% many crimes are so einous t at t ey@re &eyond t e (o*er of any indi'idual to forgi'e, *e a'e t e Coly S(irit for t at. / at *ould also a'e to include t e crimes% t e orrendous calculated acts of murder of t e 1S go'ernment as *ell as almost e'ery ot er go'ernment. / ey@re all com(licit it seems. / ey% li$e t e rest of us% tend to see t eir sins in e'eryone else. / ey really seem to &e going for it no*, &ig time. / e &igger t e lie% t e more easily it *ill &e &elie'ed as Citler said 7 6ust to re(eat myself. / ere are many (ro'en instances of go'ernment a'ing (lanned to attac$ its o*n citi?ens% suc as t e =*ell $no*n5 3(eration <ort *oods. / e im(ostors% t e umatons% as Corsley calls t em% t e as yet un(lugged 8from t e matrix9 7 t oug really t e @Elite@ in t is case% if *e forget t eir myriad legions of minions for t e moment 7 are so ade(t at iding in (lain sig t% &lending into t e foreground one mig t say% t at t ey@'e come rig t out t e ot er side% and *ill e'entually% it5s o(ed% disa((ear u( t eir o*n arse. / ey@re no* Q simulacrums t emsel'es% s ado* figures. !all t em t e -org% @emotionless@ mac ines% or t e aforementioned

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umatons% &ut t ey@re a delusion% an illusion of t eir o*n minds all t e same. / at doesn@t ma$e t em any less dangerous, it ma$es t em all t e more so &ecause t ey (ro6ect it outside t emsel'es seeing enemies e'ery* ere. / is is due as muc to t eir own unconscious guilt% s(ecifically t e fear of retaliation o'er t e a*areness t at t ey a'e and do attac$ ot ers. It@s * at t ey do% &ut in a *orld of &odies and t e &elief t at t is *orld and &odies is all t ere is. 0ig t is rig t. / e one *it t e most &odies and *ea(ons *ins% * et er real or suggested% as in t eir (syo(s (rograms. It@s t e sur'i'al of t e slyest% one mig t say, t e cle'erest. / e ma$ers of all t e trou&le% all t e conflict% t e misery% and eart&rea$ in t e *orld are t emsel'es. / ey create it in t e guise of el(ing ot ers t roug t eir incessant =do gooding5% sa'ing t e *orld from =terrorism5% as *ell as sa'ing us from oursel'es. Ie@re no* t e terrorists too% * en it suits t em. "nyone * o (ic$s u( on t is cle'er if sterile (loy% t is terminal sleig t+of+ and of t e ego+mind% *ill &e designated as mentally ill% a terrorist% an enemy com&atant% a 'irus to &e exterminated. It@s all a&out generating fear too% a((arently. Ie@re all @food for t e moon@% t e male'olent alien forces t at control t e elite% t e Illuminati% t e <I3% namely t e Re(tilians. I et er t e latter is true or no 7 not forgetting it@s all 6ust a com(uter (rogram% a ologram% t e latest illusory de'elo(ment in t e ego@s nig tmare dream in any case 7 or 6ust too outlandis or orrifying to &elie'e or e'en contem(late% it is increasingly clear t at more and more (eo(le are &e a'ing as if t ey@re &rain*as ed% 'irtually (ossessed, or ro&ots. 2or t e (eo(le * o $no* * ere t e *ind as &een &lo*ing for a * ile no*% t e direction *e@re eaded in t oug t e ex(erience of t eir co'ert agenda and aggression on ome soil% so to say% t e (arallels *it Q Jo n !ar(enter@s / ey Hi'e is ;uite uncanny. / e mo'ie seems literally (ro( etic. / e 0atrix is 6ust anot er *ay of saying t e same t ing% if in a more meta( ysical *ay. If anyt ing% t ese films% along *it / e /ruman S o* and / e .ame 8and Inde(endence #ay9 are a &lue(rint as *ell as an ex(osition of our current situation and (redicament. Someone s ould (ull all t e rele'ant% seemingly

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se(arate% dis(arate factors toget er and ma$e one &ig mo'ie or no'el out of t em. / e =elite5 already a'e. I don@t t in$ (eo(le can &e (ossessed% as Ic$e as said. "n oddly literalist or @religious fundamentalist@ inter(retation ironically enoug % &ut ain@t it al*ays t e *ay. I tend to &elie'e it@s more a case of (ro6ection% of unconscious atred o'er t e (ast and a &elief in (resent *ea$ness or t e closing of future (ossi&ilities, t e 'ery state of mind t e matrix tries to foster% and is *or$ing 'ery ard on no*. 8In effect% it engenders to &ring a&out t e same (at ology in e'eryone else. Ie@re all 0)1ltra su&6ects in a sense no*9. "t t e same time% t e line &et*een &rain*as ed =s ee(le5 and t e notion of actual (ossession seems to &lur. I tend to inter(ret it in it in (syc ological terms as I5'e said. / at% and fer instance% * ereas .ermany and Ja(an *ere suffering from =s(ecific national disorders5 during t e 1N20s% as !arey@s / e / ird 0illennium states% one can loo$ on t e *orld no* as suffering from an international disorder *it t e 1S" in t e lead. It may *ell &e t e case t at it@s far *orse in ot er (oc$ets% suc as Syria% PalestineLIsrael and ot ers% &ut "merica is t e leader in glo&al terms% *it its finger in most of t e (ies% as is t e 1)% its *illing la(dog muc of t e time it seems. Possession is a toug one t oug . It *as assumed t at =(oltergeists5 *ere (urely (syc ological * en it *as o&ser'ed t at occurrences of (oltergeist acti'ity tended to ta$e (lace around emotionally conflicted or @distur&ed@ adolescent girls. / is *as !I5s con'iction until e ad a con'ersation after a =c ance5 meeting *it .uy Hyon Playfair% t en e c anged is mind 8Is anyt ing c anceG9. I en I *atc ed t e film / e -ell Iitc % it scared t e cra( out of me. " young girl is (eriodically ta$en o'er% tormented% ( ysically and sexually a&used &y a male'olent s(irit% or t at@s t e idea. !I *rote a&out it many years &efore% (ro&a&ly in / e 3ccult. -ut if so% e@d gi'e a fuller account in Poltergeist. / ere@s also t e case on * ic / e Entity *as &ased 8as *ell as / e Exorcist9. / at *as extremely cree(y too 8It@s interesting t at -ar&ara Cers ey (layed t e lead role% t at s e *as in t e later Hast /em(tation of ! rist too% along *it Iillem #afoe as Jesus 7 and -o*ie as Pontius PilateO S e once 'isited /essa and P)#

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*it a mutual friend &efore s e *as famous9. 0ay&e t ese (oltergeists% male'olent g osts or s(irits are t e sexual (syc o(at s of t e s(irit *orld. "s if t at isn5t &ad enoug % *e no* a'e t e sexually a&using% c ild+sacrificing (ossessed Elite% doing t e &idding of t eir canni&alistic% c ild+de'ouring Re(tilian o'erlords. It@s a toug one to s*allo*. 3r e'en to see it in solely (syc ological terms. Co* do you do t at *it * at are% to all intents and (ur(oses% s a(es ifting% dimension+ o((ing% time+ tra'elling demonsG 3$ay% so may&e t e Re(tilians t emsel'es% on t e su((osition t ey e'en exist% can@t lea( from t eir dimension to t is at t e dro( of a at% &ut * at difference does t at ma$e if t ey can get t eir @(ossessed@ (u((ets to do t at for t emG "nd if t ey do li$e to eat umans% according to Ic$e 8and ot ers% suc as -ar&ara Cand !lo* in / e Possi&le 2uture Cuman9% t en o&'iously t ey a'e to a'e access to t em. !an (ossession &e seen in (urely (syc ological termsG / e @-ell Iitc @ *as ca(a&le of follo*ing its teenage 'ictimLs too. I en t ey tra'elled or fled to anot er to*n% it too$ u( residence *it t em * ere'er t ey *ent. Per a(s it e'en $ne* t eir intended destination long &efore t ey got t ere% if it could read t eir t oug ts. / e <I3% t e P/- and t eir =.S5 minions try and create t e same im(ression. <ot only t at% &ut t ey@'e long &een *or$ing on ma$ing it an actuality. I used to find t is as(ect a &it too far+fetc ed% suc as @4oice to S$ull@% and t e notion t eir *ar(ed scientists mig t one day learn to read a (erson@s dreams% or (ro6ect t e image of t em onto a screen% &ut after reading material on t e internet 7 6ust anot er as(ect of t e net% t e o'erall *e& if t ey a'e t eir *ay 7 often t roug <exus 0aga?ine% no* I@m not so sure. Su((osed inserts t roug ca&le com(anies into t e /4 c annelL(rogram a target is 'ie*ing. / at one is straig t out of / e .ame% so to say. It sounded (ure fiction to me until% *atc ing some /4 (rog% t ere *as an ad for 0ac#onalds during in t e &rea$. It *as a 'ery s ort ad too% *it no mo'ing (arts as suc % 6ust a cli( or t ree, one of a (oliceman (us ing a &i$e 8Cu G I at does t at a'e to do *it 0c#@sG9% and anot er of someone *al$ing a dog, (ossi&ly an old *oman. <o% I don5t mean someone *al$ing an old *oman. / is% as it

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a((ens% as I@'e only touc ed on so far% as &een and is my e'eryday ex(erience. I@m (lagued &y cyclists and dog+*al$ers. /rue% I (artly set it u( t at *ay myself t roug intentional (ro'ocation of sorts% and t is is t e end result% as (redicted. -ut I@'e ad a co( &loc$ing my (at *it a &i$e. I sa* it coming too. Ce *as on t e corner of t e street as I *as coming to it from t e ot er side% diagonally. I notice t ese t ings no*% a'e done for mont s% t oug I@d as good as forgotten im &y t e tine I *as *ell u( t e street% &ut e adn@t forgotten me, t ere e *as% coming in from t e traffic side% a'ing ?i((ed a ead of me a &it% so t at e could cut me off as e too$ t e &i$e into a Pa$istani s o( 8I o ta$es a &i$e into a s o(% and * o@s going to nic$ a co(@s &i$e in any case if e lea'es it outsideG 3r *ould it get stolen for t at reasonG9 It *as a *al$+in entrance% 'ery narro*% to a narro* grocery store. ESorry@%F e said. I y not 6ust slo* do*n if e@d seen me% let me go &yG " matter of sim(le consideration. / e idea is t at it@s a =su&tle5 mistiming. / e &i$e itself is a sym&ol of guilt. / e act is of (utting it in your face% and re(eatedly. / is is t eir anc oringLsensitisation strategy. E/ at@s o$ay% I5m sure it *asn@t intentional%F I s ot &ac$% no (un intended. / e (erfect re(ly. Ce ga'e me a ;uic$ loo$ as e *ent in. Ce *asn@t *earing a 6ac$et or at% &ut e ad t e rest% and t e * ite s irt. Ce *as tal$ing to some @snitc es@ on t e corner% t e local community =sur'eillance5 (osse and socio(at s. / e @gangstal$ng@ s*armers and stal$ers% along *it imself% t at t e @(syc iatric community@ and (retty muc e'eryone else in any official% esta&lis ment ca(acity *ill tell you doesn@t exist% not least t e local community and glo&al army of minions t emsel'es. Iell t ey *ouldn@t% *ould t eyG It@s not as if t ey@re going to 'oluntarily gi'e t e game a*ay * en t e (o*er of t e co'ert aggression% t e gaslig ting% de(ends on it. It@s an odd state of affairs t at if you com(lain a&out it% you@re delusional% it5s all in your mind% &ut if you res(ond or retaliate% t ere@s no ;uestion t at t eir (erce(tion of t e situation and you% is accurate. / at@s 6ust anot er as(ect% t e (otential and intended (rogression of t e set+u(s% t e co'ert and unrelenting arassment% t e street+t eatre% t e =&ait and s*itc 5 tactics. /actric$s. =/*o eads are &etter t an one5. /*o or

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more =*itnesses5 against t e *ord of one. =/*o5s com(any% t ree5s a cro*d5. / e &i$es are also a sym&ol of loss% of guilt% of s(oiling my fun% my en6oyment o'er a'ing my o*n. It@s all a&out reducing your ;uality of life% regardless of t e little you mig t a'e, of turning it into a sym&ol of torment% of &itterness% torture. / eirs. !learly% I must deser'e it. / ey@d &e mista$en. -ut narcissists a'e al*ays &een a 'icious circle% of (ettiness and s(ite% &elie'ing in t eir o*n lies and distortion. I ate'er ma$es t em feel su(erior% @ olier t an t ou@ and t e rest. / e In;uisition *as al*ays a menace% a (lague of t e utmost y(ocrisy. <o* *e@re getting t e consolidation of t e egos long+term (lans% for glo&al domination. 2unny o* it seems to coincide *it t eir (ro6ection of guilt o'er me too. Ie seem to a'e a &it of a c ic$en and egg situation ere. .o figure. I5m sure t ey5ll find a *ay to re'erse it% setting u( a crime% to 6ustify t e stal$ing% (ast% (resent and future 8It5s only a matter of time% along *it t e contri'ed $noc$+do*nLtraffic accident. " &lac$ ca& is t e &est co'er for it. 3r an am&ulance9. I al*ays $ne* t ere *as a * ole dimension missing in t e *ritings of !I% e'en *it is focus on @/ e Rig t 0an@ &ased on an article &y t e S2 *riter " E 'an 4ogt. I recommend c a(ter t*o of " !riminal Cistory of 0an$ind. 3ddly enoug % I@d forgotten I a'e a no'el of 'an 4ogt5s% / e 1nderco'er "liens. It cost me 30(% t oug I@'e long forgotten * en or * ere I &oug t it. Pro&a&ly from one of t e &oo$s o(s on t e Iest Port. / e actual (rice on t e &ac$ is >0(O / is Pant er edition is 1NKB. It *as originally (u&lis ed &ac$ in 1N>0% under t e title / e Couse / at Stood Still. " title t at &rings to mind / e #ay / e Eart Stood Still% a far more emoti'e% dramatic title. Dou@d ex(ect a ouse to stand still% *ouldn@t youG So clearly t e title is a more su&tle allusion for somet ing else. Suc as ;uietness. 3r may&e t e idea is t at it stands outside of time some o*. / at@s rig t% I a'en5t read it 8I did Read #estination: 1ni'erseO years ago. !I discusses it in t e small &oo$let 2rom Science 2iction to Existentialism. 3r *as it in / e Strengt to #reamG9. I@'e ne'er eard of is stories or no'els e'er &eing made into a film eit er% t oug o&'iously t e t eme as

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&een used in almost countless mo'ies no*. / e In'aders /4 series comes to mind% t oug it *as many years &efore I sa* it% on ca&le. / ere@s "lien <ation too. " film I really en6oyed *as #istur&ing -e a'iour% from 1NNM. It as a great ;uote% made &y t e mentally @slo*5 6anitor: EPeo(le can &e interesting * en t ey t in$ you@re really really stu(id.F / at co'ers t is situation in a nuts ell. / ey (ro&a&ly feel exactly t e same a&out me, &ut t at@s (ro6ection for you. I@m sure t e In;uisition *ere con'inced t ey5re t e @good guys@ too, t en as no*. Reality is sim(ler, it@s t e ego t at com(licates it. / e minions are li$e g osts% (ursuing @/Is@ from city to city% so to say. Exce(t t at t ey@'e co'ered t is as(ect &y esta&lis ing t emsel'es in e'ery city% or more accurately% t e P/- a'e. / e *orld is to &ecome one uge (rison matrix% if it isn@t so already. Say it ain@t so% Joe -loggs. Joe Soa(. <o* ere to run% no* ere to ide. / ey5d &e t e first to remind you. / at@s * at it5s all a&out. / ey lo'e it, t ey relis it. -ut t e tide al*ays turns. "l*ays. /rue e'olution al*ays as a *ay Q to counter t e corru(t eugenics of t ese t*isted Social #ar*inists% t e =*orlders5. 0ay&e it *on@t a((en during my dream of a lifetime, (er a(s t is situation *ill de'elo( &eyond all estimating and (ro( esying into a nig tmare t at lasts longer t an t e =Coly5 In;uisition of t e !at olic ! urc itself% * ic lasted for fi'e undred years. -ut again% t is is an extension% a continuation. Secret trials and targeted lists for murder are &ac$. -ut t ey *ere al*ays *it us. / e difference no* is t e good =(atriots5% t e good fundamentalist =neocons5 and t e rest% feel (o*erful enoug to come out into t e =o(en5 *it it again and ma$e it @legal@% a matter of (olicy and (olitical ex(ediency. "s soon as you do t at% t ere@s an @unofficial@ @tric$le+do*n@ and furt er extension of t e same attitude. / e t ugs and @good citi?ens@ ali$e are al*ays t ere% *aiting in t e *ings% ready to do t eir (art for t e &ra'e @ne*@ *orld on &e alf of t e ego@s imaginary *ar on .od% (ro6ected onto ot ers, it al*ays comes &ac$ to murder% t e &elief in murder. Same old same old. "not er aliens+in+disguise t emed no'el of " E 'an 4ogt@s I a'e is / e ! angeling. It@s 6ust &roug t to mind t e film of t e

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same name a fe* years &ac$% minus t e =/ e5% directed &y !lint East*ood% starring acting am&assador for t e !2R and t eir genocidal (olicies% "ngelina Jolie% daug ter of Jon 4oig t% * o seems to to* t e @true (atriot@ (artly+line also in rig t *ing ent usiasm. -ut t e film *as excellent. I could say it *as certainly an eye+o(ener as to 6ust o* corru(t t e (olice could &e% (ic$ing u( t e o((osition gangsters to t eir o*n extortion rac$ets on some (retext and summarily executing t em in dro'es. Jolie5s c aracter is railroaded into t e mental @ ealt @ system for insisting er son isn5t * o e says e is. / e mental ealt system+ and t at means doctors% (syc iatrists and go'ernors% are in league *it t e co(s and court officials. / e story 6ust gets mur$ier and mur$ier. It@s all a co'er for t e mass murder of $ids t roug an official institution run &y t e state. Part of t e system is dedicated to corru(tion and mass murder. "ny * istle&lo*ers% suc as t e one (layed &y Jolie are summarily dealt *it % in one form or ot er. " res(ecta&le young "merican% t ey couldn@t 'ery *ell execute er. / ey do t e next &est t ing to s ut er u(. / e film is &ased earlier in t e century 7 t e 20t !entury. It@s li$e Stalin@s Russia% in (art. -ut *e all $no* of t e orrors of t e secret (olice in t eir 'arious forms% from t e <a?i .esta(o% and ! ile% to t e Israelis or ! ina or <ort )orea or Syria no*. @.angstal$ing@ is t e continuation of t e same tactics t e Stasi used in East .ermany or t e Red S;uads in Russia% as *ell t e 2-I@s !ointel(ro% itself an =im(ro'ement5 on in and continuation of (re'ious and (arallel (rograms in t at it5s (syo(s are more =refined5 and indi'idualised. / e ego is one% o*e'er insane. It learns from (re'ious incarnations of itself and its tactics. "ny*ay Q 'an 4ogt@s / e ! angeling as an interesting su& eading on t e front co'er: 4%he invaders gave mankind a choice5 slavery or death4+ 63n t e &ac$% in &ig RE# ca(itals95 %H& ,#)'D ,2"#*I$G %# 2$ &$D 7 but only the toti-potentes knew it. They were the instruments for the alien in aders. 4#nce they had been ordinary men+ But when the invaders from space took possession of their bodies! they

24>

became immortal and perpetually young8 able to read minds and predict and change the future8 possessors of weapons infinitely more powerful than any &arth had ever known+ 2nd they began to hate men+ But because! outwardly! they still looked and acted like everyone else! there was no way to tell who they were 9 until they attacked.4 1ncanny. / e no'el may &e (artly &ased% or influenced &y t e accounts of contactees at t e time% and re(ortsLsig tings of 123s% suc as t e fleet o'er Ias ington and e'en t e I ite ouse. "s *as / e #ay / e Eart Stood Still. I a((en to o(en it at (age 20+21. 3n (age 21% alf*ay do*n it says: $ypers smiled! and said softly! %here are people who maintain that the :nited -tates twenty five years ago suffered a moral disaster as a result of ,orld ,ar II+ 2 president with dictatorial ambitions opposed by a woman candidate may or may not be a proof of that+ His smile deepened into a sneer+ / e no'el% my co(y% is from 1NBN% a second (rinting. / e first *as in @BK% &ut it@s co(yrig t &ac$ to 1N42% 1N44 for "stounding Science 2iction. / en it adds c% 1N>0 &y " E 'an 4ogt. / e (u&lis er is 0c2adden+-artell !or(oration 820> East 42nd Street9% <e* Dor$% <e* Dor$. Just li$e t e mo'ies. It as a 'intage co'er I@m too la?y to descri&e accurately% &ut t ere@s a standard central (rotagonist+loo$ing &lo$e in * ite s irt and trousers *it is arms folded and a *oman5s ead and s oulders &elo*% na$ed% s o*ing er &oo&ies. "t t e &ottom% t e ead of an old man% seen slig tly from a&o'e% so you can5t see is eyes% t oug e seems to &e loo$ing do*n% &loc$s alf of er &ody out. / ere are ot er details% suc as t e small sil ouette of a futuristic loo$ing city in t e &ac$ground. In t e foreground% &e ind t e old man% is * at I too$ to &e a (lanet% &ecause t ere@s a s(aces i( ta$ing off from it% &ut it isn@t symmetrical in circumference.

24B

/ ere@s anot er (lanet in t e &ac$ground surrounded &y a greenis a?e% as *ell as anot er tiny futuristic city% &ut in lig t% (ainted yello* *it a red central area. If you li$e realism in (ainting% (ut toget er in a semi+a&stract *ay% t en it@s for you Q I li$e it myself. Elements of t e central area, t e man% *oman% and old man5s ead a'e &een redone% excer(ted for t e &ac$ co'er in &lac$ and * ite. It could almost &e a ( otogra( . I li$e t ese old co'ersLno'els so muc % I stic$ t em on t e mantels elf on to( of ot er &oo$s% li$e mini+(osters. I a'e an old (a(er&ac$ of C. .. Iells@ / e 2irst 0en in / e 0oon% and / e 2lying Saucer 0ystery% &y 0a6or #onald )ey oe. / ey@re (artly co'ered &y ot er $nic$+$nac$s, cards and (ostcards. / ere@s no credit for t e artist on t is no'el / e ! angeling. / at seems a (ity. It *as t e same for many mo'ie (osters too. It (ro&a&ly still is no*. I a'e no idea. -ut it im(resses on me t at in t is context at least% t e artist is less im(ortant t an t e aut or. Ie generally don@t get aut ors *riting for t e *or$ of artists% unless it@s t eir o*n. -ut t e artist5s *or$ *as surely in galleries or sold at auction at some (oint. "s =inconse;uential5 as it is no* 7 * o t in$s muc a&out t e co'er of old (a(er&ac$s exce(t =aficionados5 li$e meG 7 It must a'e &een exciting for t e artist at t e time% getting commissioned to do t e co'er for a ma6or S2 *riter of t e time. 3r e'en an u( and coming one. I en I@'e *atc ed old films set in <e* Dor$ etc.% I in'aria&ly find myself loo$ing at old ne*sstands in fascination% attem(ting to drin$ in t e maga?ine orLand &oo$ co'ers. It@s li$e time+tra'el% as is 'ie*s of t e streets and t e traffic% along *it e'eryt ing else, t e clot es (eo(le are *earing% t eir airstyles% t e design of s o(+fronts etc., t e list goes on. I loo$ at t is old no'el &y 'an 4ogt and *onder * ere e resided * en e *rote it, may&e e e'en ad an office, or *rote it in t e li&rary% as Ray -rad&ury did 2a ren eit 4>1. "nd t e artist * o did t e co'er, did e a'e a studioG I at did e loo$ li$eG Ias e marriedG 8Ias 'an 4ogtG Pro&a&ly9. I ere did e stayG I ere did e learn to (aintG Per a(s e *as self+taug t% li$e me% t oug I5'e no reason to assume t at. I at *ere t e 6oys and sorro*s of is lifeG #id e e'er *rite an auto&iogra( yG #id e (aint all is

24K

lifeG Per a(s co'ers for S2 no'els *ere only a small (art of is oeu're. P)# as ad some great co'ers. So as Ro&ert ! arles Iilson. / ey all a'e% not least !olin Iilson. "nd Ro&ert "nton Iilson. -ut S2 co'ers tend to &e t e most imaginati'e. I a'e 'olumes of S2 co'er art. I a'e a large 'olume on Ray -rad&ury alone. I ne'er did finis reading it. I &oug t it years ago% &rand ne*% &ut at a sale+(rice% as *as t e case *it most of t em. I a'e a large 'olume on 'ery early S2 co'er art. I *ant to loo$ at it again no*% *it its futuristic illustrations from t e 20s and 30s% (ossi&ly earlier. I5m a suc$er for nostalgia% not least t e nostalgia of li'es I ne'er lead% countries I@'e ne'er li'ed in or e'en got around to 'isiting% suc as t e 1S% t oug I ad numerous o((ortunities. I ad t is c ocolate+&ox 'ie* of t e (ast% * ere e'ery* ere is &etter t an my (resent circumstances. It *as li$ely as muc a reflection of *ondering * at it must &e li$e to &elong to somet ing, a com(any% an organisation% a &unc of *or$ing &uddies% * et er a (art of a &and% or a comedy trou(e of *riters% suc as Ioody "llen% <eil Simon and 0el -roo$s% *riting gags in t e same room% or% my ideal as a $id% t e 0ar'el !omics teamLs% *or$ing on t e same issue% along *it Stan @t e 0an@ Hee. " dream of * at it must &e li$e to a'e li'ed in t e "merica of t e >0s and B0s and e'en earlier% $no*ing not ing of t e !old Iar and t e 0c!art y *itc + unts% 4ietnamL<ational Ser'ice% serial $illers and .od $no*s * at else Q " relati'ely idyllic 'ie* of t e earlier (ast too% and @sim(le times@, t at not ing could &e *orse t an t is ci'ilisation and t e sterile neurosis of my mot er% $no*ing not ing a&out t e original =Iitc 5 unts and &loodcurdling cruelty of (ast centuries% * ere c ildren could &e anged for stealing a loaf of &read 8Ie *ere (ro&a&ly told of t is at (rimary sc ool% *it 6ust a tinge of relis 9% t e men and *oman * o *ere @&ro$en on t e * eel@ or crus ed from t e toes u(% or ideously sexually tortured &y t e sexual (syc o(at s of t e time t en &urned at t e sta$e o'er t eir mostly nonexistent sins% mainly t e *eird (ro6ections of t eir insane ca(tors and tormentors. 3r $ids executed in /exas. <ot to mention t e <a?is and e'ery ot er (ogrom t roug t e ages. "nd

24M

so it goes. Iill *e e'er gro* out of our =3utsider5 (reoccu(ationsG -ut I digress. I5m going to *atc a film called .ood <ig t% and .ood Huc$ on --! /*o Scotland% from 200>. It stars Jeff #aniels and .eorge !looney: @" tele'ision ne*s re(orter see$s to ex(ose t e y(ocrisy of t e leader of an anti+socialist *itc + unt.@ I@d almost forgotten a&out it. 3 % t e S2 *riter Poul "nderson *rote a fascinating istory of *or$ing on fan?ines. I read it &ac$ in @M4% * en I *as all of t*enty+four. I *as as fascinated e'en t en. I really needed to find (eo(le of more li$e mind: instead% I *as s ac$edLcoo(ed u( *it a mem&er of t e In;uisition mentality as al*ays. / e difference no* is t at t e contagion of atred% t e (syc osis% as s(read across t e * ole *orld, only% I do a'e t is oasis of &oo$s and re'erie to come &ac$ to% my flimsy i'ory to*er. It ser'es its (ur(ose% or as so far% and all t e more so% no* t at I@'e c osen to *rite in earnest and not only in 6ournals to myself as &efore% or missi'es to (eo(le * o ad mostly no real conce(tion of a((reciating t em. I still *rite to my #ad% t oug it can &e a (ro&lematic &usiness. Sometimes it feels li$e I may as *ell &e *riting to gran% is mot er. 3r I feel li$e P)# trying to get t e situation across to Enid -lyton or Jane "ustin 8t oug -lyton *as ardly t e innocent in er attitudes9. I@m doing im a disser'ice. Ce@s reasona&ly o(en+minded and I can ardly &lame im for &eing too armless in t e eyes of t e P/- to concern t emsel'es *it % and it@s 6ust as *ell. .reat% I@'e forgotten a&out my *as ing. I s ould ang it out. I ad t e last of t e 'eggie sausages earlier *it some colesla*. It *asn@t too &ad. I a'e a &ag of cold fruit in t e fridge. Possi&ly a first% or it@s &een longer t an I can remem&er. / is could &e interesting. "nd I5m stiff *it sitting. -leuc ... I didn@t li$e it muc , t e t a*ed fruit% not t e film% * ic is excellent. !ommunists everywhere"

24N

"unday Q/ in$ing a&out C. .. Iells again% and Ray -rad&ury. 2ertile imaginations. -rad&ury *rote in is &asement. / ere@s a ( oto of im in it in t e large format &oo$ -R"#-1RD 7 Illustrated Hife. It5s ;uite fascinating. / ere@s e'en a ( otogra( of im from 1NB0% sitting in t e original (ro( for / e /ime 0ac ine% t e film &ased on t e no'el &y Iells of course. Earlier t is afternoon t ere *as a re(eat of t e e(isode of / e -ig -ang / eory% t e often &rilliantly funny "merican sitcom% * ere% after one of t e science+&uff nerd+ty(es (uts a &id on it 7 it@s on E&ay for XM00 7 t oug e can@t really afford to s(las on out on suc inessential items% t ey agree to s are t e cost &et*een t em% along *it t e /ime 0ac ine, a time+s are on a time mac ine as one of t em ;ui(s. Eac of t em drifts into t eir fantasy *orld of re'erie o'er it. It ends *it S eldon% t e arc +nerd and (ro&a&le ="s(ergers5 ty(e% a'ing a nig tmare a&out t e 0orloc$s eating im% t en e *a$es% t en t e @0orloc$s@ are &ac$% courtesy of t e original &uyer =nerd5 * o@s name I@'e forgotten 8Ce (layed #a'id in Roseanne for years. Cis mot er *as an a&solute s it to im% treats im li$e dirt% so Roseanne discusses it *it er sister and ado(ts im9.

2>0

I didn@t read many of Iells@ no'els &eyond t e early @scientific romances@ as t ey *ere called originally. I@d read t em at sc ool% at ome% and stayed off sc ool to read t em too, it *as interru(ting my reading and daydreaming sc edule. 0ostly% I read t em at ome. / at could mean any* ere t oug % suc as outside in t e &ac$ green% *eat er (ermitting% or e'en 6ust *al$ing along t e street% $ee(ing an eye out for lam((osts and a((roac ing fol$s. / e 2irst 0en in t e 0oon% / e Iar of t e Iorlds% / e In'isi&le 0an 7 a curiously unsatisfying no'el% an o((ortunity *asted in a *ay% as !I remar$ed on, all t at a((ens is t at e@s murdered in t e end% t oug no* I@m t in$ing t at seems as if it may &e more (syc ologically accurate an outcome t an I@'e e'er gi'en it credit for. / ere@s lots of ot ers5 I $ne* a&out% didn@t get around to reading t em% suc as / e Island of #r 0oreau% and Star -egotten. I read t e latter some years &ac$. / e Iar 3f / e Iorlds as a film is a classic too. 0y fa'ourite of t e early no'els *as / e 2irst 0en in / e 0oon% along *it t e film% * ic ad its o*n uni;ue c arm. It *as total esca(ism. "gain% I didn@t read / e /ime 0ac ine until 6ust a fe* years ago. / is *as (artly &ecause t e contem(orary S2 *riter Ro&ert ! arles Iilson ad said e@d reread it and t at it still stood u(, so I decided I@m definitely reading it% t oug I@d al*ays intended to. / e film% and t e conce(t of time+tra'el fascinated me since I *as old enoug to muse on it. <ot t at I intend to say muc on it ere% rig t no*% &ut *e $no* time is a 'ast illusion 7 t e title of t e &oo$ &y )en Ia(nic$% &ased on "!I0@s conce(t of time. I did read a fe* of Iells@ later% more mainstream no'els% suc as Ho'e and 0r He*is am% ot ers I@'e forgotten% &ut I did really en6oy t em. -rad&ury and Iells didn@t seem to a'e any a*areness of dualism% t e illusory nature of time as far as I $no*% t oug I can@t (icture -rad&ury missing it as a su&6ect for some of is stories I@'e long forgotten. -ut it@s * y P)# is t e most interesting S2 *riter o'erall. Ce didn@t 6ust ;uestion t e nature of time% &ut our conce(tion of reality. / ere are many stories and no'els &ased on time+tra'el of course. 3ne of my fa'ourites is R!I@s " -ridge of Dears. 3n a surface le'el it as some (arallels *it "rnie t e android in /erminator 2% &ut it

2>1

*as (ro&a&ly *ritten &efore it. In meta( ysical terms it didn@t ma$e 'ery muc sense to me% &ut as a S2 t riller% an ad'entureLlo'e story% Iilson (ro&a&ly as fe* e;uals% if any. !I discusses C. .. Iells in different contexts t roug 'arious &oo$s% from / e 3utsider on*ards% &eginning *it Iells@ 0ind at t e End if its /et er near t e end of t e &oo$% a (am( let+si?ed document a((arently% t at I can@t recall e'er a'ing come across. Iilson *rites a&out Iells5 earlier o(timism% gi'en a &ody &lo* &y t e e'entual re'elation of t e orrors of t e Second Iorld Iar and t e <a?i deat cam(s. Ce comes &ac$ to it again in " !riminal Cistory of 0an$ind. I at !I didn@t gi'e any indication of% * et er in t is or later *ritings on Iells% for all is criticisms% *as t at Iells *as a eugenicist, e also &ac$ed t e <e* Iorld 3rder% no dou&t in a 'ery idealistic sense, e *rote a &oo$ of t at title. It meant not ing to me until years later% * en I read Ic$e on t e significance and dee(ly sinister% &ut co'ert (lans t ey a'e for us all. I@m sure some mig t say% !I included% t at Iells@ intentions *ere far more &enign% &ut it@s not as if -us 5s =neocons5 7 neoconser'ati'es and t e rest *ere e'er s y in referring to t e <I3. !I *rites interestingly on Iells@ later no'els some years later in t e (reface to is no'el / e 0an Iit out " S ado* in 1NB3. I stum&led on it c ea(% at t e age of t*enty% in #ens Road 0ar$et again% in #undee. I (ic$ed u( t e &unc of !rimes and Punis ment mags a year later, t e (art*or$ In fact% it *as * ere I found a (a(er&ac$ co(y of / e 3utsider * en I *as se'enteen, is first non+fiction &oo$ and t e (erfect find for t at reason. In /0I"S 7 (u&lis ed later in 1NM0 as / e Sex #iary of .erard Sorme 8 is (u&lis ers c oice of title% as !I said, a more =salacious5 title mig t sell more co(ies9% e com(ares Iells@ / e 1ndying 2ire to t e most ins(ired *riting of #ostoye's$y@s, for * ic reason% I@'e ad it in mind to read e'er since. Ce remar$ed on Iells in (assing in numerous no'els and non+fiction% and more s(ecifically in " !riminal Cistory of 0an$ind% &ut t e one t at comes to mind is / e 0isfits: " Study of Sexual 3utsiders% anot er of is continuations of t e 3utsider t eme. In t is e discusses Iells@ sex+life and is attitude to sex,

2>2

and *omen% and o* it relates to t e rest of t e @sexual outsiders@ e includes. / e * ole is 'ery muc influenced &y 0aslo*@s @ ierarc y of 'alues@% and% s(ecifically for Iells% t e (ost umously (u&lis ed C. .. Iells in Ho'e% a memoir of is relations *it *omen, is lo'e and sex life. <eedless to say it *as all fascinating reading% es(ecially * ile I *as still in my t*enties. I@'e forgotten to mention !I@s 3rigins of t e Sexual Im(ulse again. It *as a com(anion *or$ of non+fiction to /0I"S% as 8forO9 is no'els are usually a form of fictionalised fact% as e (ut it 8In t e (reface to / e )iller, Hingard in t e 1S 7 I@'e ne'er ad an "merican edition of t e no'el9% so e *rote one directly after t e ot er. Ce no dou&t discusses Iells in / e )iller too. I *as eig teen * en I read it. It came &ac$ to mind as a result of t e t oug t t at I s(ent as muc of my time trying to fat om t e meaning of e'eryt ing as I mig t (ursuing t e o((osite sex. I didn@t *ant to &e o'er* elmed &y e'ents and my emotions, I *anted to &e in control of my destiny and emotions% and for me t at meant lucidity% at least in t eory% and to t e &est of my a&ility, and that entailed reading and study. 1nder t e circumstances% t at a((lied first and foremost to !I imself. Ce *as t e (erson * o *rote t e &oo$Ls. I al*ays recall a *riter for t e <e* 0usical Ex(ress at t e time% 1NKN or so% saying 7 it *as a t ree (art series on sex o'er a num&er of issues 7 @t at t e term for *omen inordinately fond of sex is nym( omaniac% &ut t ere@s no term for t e male e;ui'alent.@ I5m (ara( rasing. Ca'ing recently read !I@s 3rigins of t e Sexual Im(ulse% I $ne* it *as @satyriasis@. I felt (retty smart a&out t at, or smug, t e t oug t t at t e *riter *as (er a(s stri'ing to s o* * at an enlig tened o(en+minded fello* e *as% not least to t e ladies. / at &y assuming it reflected &ias in t e culture% e mistoo$ is o*n (resum(tion as e'idence of t at% lea(ing to a conclusion &ased on is o*n inter(retation, an easy mista$e to ma$e in fact. I (referred factual and (syc ological accuracy% and !I seemed to me t e main man for t at% &ar none% or not many. Ce $e(t me a ead of t e game. 0y emotions may a'e &een a conflicting mess still% a'ing only recently finis ed *it t e girl a year older t an me and o&'iously unsuited to me 7

2>3

t at ne'er seemed to sto( t em% feeling my life to &e in a $ind of lim&o * en * at I needed to do *as ma$e a determined c oice for music or *riting% &ut at least I could feel @intellectually@% conce(tually =su(erior5. Ce *rote a&out Cenry 0iller too% in 3rigins of /SI. <or *as e 'ery com(limentary% saying t at 0iller ad no ca(acity for ideas% ending &y saying t at is *riting *ent no* ereLaround in circles% ;uoting S a$es(eare, t at it *as all sound and fury% signifying not ing. I *ent on to read 0iller% coming across t e first 'olume @t e Rosy !rucifixion@% <exus% &y c ance 7 if t ere is suc a t ing. It *as ilarious% addicti'e, I &oug t it on t e strengt of t e first (age alone. <o% e didn@t a'e !I@s o&session *it ideas% t e need to get to t e eart of e'eryt ing 7 as did I% &y inference 7 &ut e *as far from unintelligent, e could 'ery o&ser'ant a&out (eo(le. Ce read li$e a comedian% or someone you $ne*. "nd I *as still young and naU'e enoug 7 o(en+minded% to *ant to drin$ it all in% rea( t e (syc ological &enefits of an older man@s life. 0ost t e time I felt as if I li'ed on a different (lanet from older men. I *as still in my teens 7 nineteen. I felt if anyt ing% I *as gro*ing u( t roug !I. I still ad to fat om t e la&yrint ine com(lexity and emotional treac ery of t e narcissistic mind. <ot e'en !I stood me in great stead on t at score, not &y a long s ot% t oug e (ro&a&ly came closest in 0aslo* on self+actualisers% discussing it in <e* Pat *ays in Psyc ology. It *asn@t until many years later% at t e age of t*enty+ se'en% * en I sa* Cer& .old&erg and .eorge -ac @s !reati'e "ggression on t e s elf of t e !entral Hi&rary% t at I $ne* I@d found * at I needed and *as unconsciously searc ing for% o(ing for all along. It *as li$e t e Coly .rail of (syc ology for me% t e ans*er to t e situation I *as in and ad &een since t e &eginning of my t*enties% as *ell as a * ole lot of ot er cra( (layed on me o'er t e years u( to t en, and later. Hater. 3$ay% so -rad&ury ad &ot a &asement 7 for all is S2 (ara( ernalia and nostalgia, t e t ings t at *ould clutter t e u(stairs as e said 7 and a se(arate office% is &asement on ig % as e said. / at@s full of S2 stuff too. I *ondered for a moment

2>4

o* e could concentrate *it all t ose distractions around im% &efore I realised I@m muc t e same% if on a far smaller scale in my coo(ed u( &ut =idyllic5 little idey+ ole ere. It may &e cram(ed, &ut it@s a *riter5s (aradise of sorts% a 'isual artist5s% not so muc % &ut t en% I a'e t e &edroom for t at as I say. In fact% as ca&le and t e net are off at t e moment% I could &e ma$ing t e &est of it. -ut I can 6ust (icture myself sitting t ere reminding myself of all t ose (ages t at aren@t getting *ritten. Rig t no* I can remind myself of t ose (aintings t at aren@t getting (ainted eit er. / e story of my *ife. I atG Life% I said life. 2unny to ear Jo n Peel saying e@s felt Esort of s*irly all *ee$.F / at it@s affecting is a&ility to focus% a(ologises in case it@s affecting is (erformance. Cu G Isn@t Jo n Peel deadLgone I ear you as$G Des% it@s an old audiota(e. 1nfortunately I didn@t *rite do*n t e year on it as I used to do o'er many years. -ut t ere@s a <e*s&eat &rea$ on t e ta(e, t reats of air stri$es on t e -osnian Ser&s, Russia *asn@t a((y a&out it. "ll t ose @un$no*n@ orrors going on at t e time * ile Peel carries on *it t e real istory of music and life% * ile t e =mainstream5 mad *orld carries on as if e'eryt ing is normal% as no*. I sort of feel li$e t at myself. Just get on *it it * ile t e madness around meLus continues. 3r stic$ing my ead in t e sand li$e an ostric % so muc as not letting any of t e -S get to me is concerned. Ine'ita&ly it *ill and it as% in one form or anot er, t e idea is t at it *or$s on you as muc su&liminally% *earing you do*n% inducing a sense of a(at y% of o(elessness% demoralisation. / at@s t e goal. I@m reminded of a story &y J . -allard a&out a man * o 6ust gi'es u(. Ce sto(s going to *or$% sto(s ans*ering t e ( one 8ditto 7 I let t e landline go9% or t e door 8ditto% unless I5m ex(ecting someone9% lets t e food go &ad in t e fridge% lea'es t e dis es un*as ed% clot es dirty% sto(s s a'ing etc. It *as all 'ery surreal% sounding li$e some $ind of HS# tri(% as if e@d touc ed on anot er reality * ere t is one didn@t matter any more. -ut o&'iously it@s a form of suicide, a &rilliant descri(tion of someone sli((ing into a $ind of =sc i?o( renia5. 2or * ate'er reason% e@s decided t e *orld isn@t for im anymore or e isn5t for t e *orld, e@s ad enoug .

2>>

" more c eerful 'ersion of a similar idea *as a film% 3ffice S(ace% * ere t e main c aracter as some sort of e(i( any I can@t recall 8Ce5s y(notised &y a t era(ist is girlfriend drags im to9. I *asn@t (aying too muc attention at t e time% (ro&a&ly *riting% until I realised o* funny 7 and cat artic% it *as. Cis &oss 8(layed &y .ary !ole9 is &a*ling im out at *or$% lording it o'er im * ile e@s sitting at is des$. Ce@s utterly nonc alant a&out it% tells im e5s got &etter t ings to do t an $ee( in mind e'ery (iece of tri'ial cra(% or *ords to t at effect. It sounds sus(iciously li$e t e scene *it Ed*ard <orton and is &oss in 2ig t !lu&% so I t in$ &ot are coalescing in my mind some* at% &ut ne'er mind. In anot er scene e@s 6ust got u(% e asn@t contacted is girlfriend for days, s e@s screaming into is ans*er+ mac ine% t en% exas(erated% frustrated it5s a'ing no effect% adds s e sle(t *it is &est friend. Ce@s loo$ing out t e *indo*% &uttoning is s irt% ruffling is air% * ate'er, ya*ns. Cer claustro( o&ic little *orld of (etty drama is irrele'ant. Just ilarious. -ut% unli$e t e -allard c aracter in t e s ort story% e does go to *or$% e does function. Illusions or no% e carries t em out. 1nli$e me some of t e time. I5m already alf*ay to -allard@s c aracter sometimes. It@s dangerous% or (otentially so. I@'e already made t e analogy *it t e Je*s * en t ey got to t eir a(at etic state% and t is is t e intention &e ind t is (rogram and system. / is is @t e silent olocaust@ as it5s &een called. "nd it is. -ut t at ma$es it all 'ery serious for me. "nd it is. -ut it@s &est 6ust to see it as silly% ludicrous% as t e notion t at getting rid of t e Je*s and ot ers *as a silly idea% if orrific in (ractice, &ut t at5s t e illusion for you. / e dream seems 'ery real indeed. It@s easy to fall into t e tra( of seeing t e *orld as real. "ll I need is to t in$ t e t ings I en6oy are =o&6ecti'ely real5% in t e Platonic sense% suc as t e music on t is old recording of one of Jo n Peel@s s o*s% or t e &iogra( y of Ray -rad&ury t at *as on --! 2our 6ust earlier. <o* *e a'e a re(eat of t e ma$ing of -o*ie@s Aiggy Stardust and t e S(iders from 0ars. If anyone *as a sym&ol of t e real *orld% in t e !ourse@s sense% it *asLis -o*ie and is Aiggy Stardust (ersona. / e c aracter *as a sym&ol of anot er *orld. -o*ie as said as muc , t at e

2>B

*anted to create an alternati'e *orld. I5d al*ays felt t at in my teens% t oug it *as all tied u( *it t is *orld of course% * at I too$ to &e t e real *orld% only% e *as li'ing in a far different *ay from our some* at dreary li'es, (ositi'ely t ri'ing in it. Ce *as our ero in it% along *it t e (ersona e@d in'ented t at made is *ay t roug it, =t e = ero5 of t e dream5. / ere *ere ot ers of course% &ut t ey didn@t a'e t e ot er*orldly (ersona e did. Ie *ere &asically too young for t e Sixties% 6ust as one of t e cele& 6ournos say in t e (rogramme. Ce a((eared on t e scene at exactly t e rig t time. Jar'is !oc$er said muc t e same at t e &eginning of t e (rogramme. I5m not muc of a Pul( fan% &ut I li$e is Sunday s o* on t e same c annel+ --! B 0usic. E'eryone remar$s on is =ot er*orldly5 ;uality% and o&'iously t at@s not 6ust is Aiggy (ersona &ut also an as(ect of -o*ie imself. -ut no one tries to ta$e it any furt er into any meta( ysical area. P)# did% in 4alis% using -o*ie for a c aracter. Ce attac ed some strange significance to -o*ie. 2ran$ Aa((a% too. 4alis *as &ased% if (retty loosely as far as I can tell% on t e film / e 0an I o 2ell to Eart % starring -o*ie. "t one time e *as listening to -o*ie@s songs% con'inced t ere *as a message from .od contained in t em. 3ddly enoug % -o*ie did once say t at e@d come to see all is songs as (rayers to .od. Ce@s a &elie'er, unli$e t e trendy at eists and agnostics of t e comedy *orld and ot ers. Ce can &e (retty funny too * en e *ants to &e. So can I. Ce also said t at% in is formati'e years% e *anted to &e Su(erman. I can *ell &elie'e t at. Ce ad some interesting ca(es for is Aiggy s o*s% and for is earlier &and% Cy(e. Ce ad t em all dress u( as su(er eroes of 'arious sorts% if made u(. Peter <oone@s 'ersion of -o*ie@s 3 O Dou (retty / ings *as truly dreadful. Ce e'en loo$ed slig tly li$e -o*ie in a mon$ey+&oy $ind of *ay. -o*ie and is different+coloured eyes% ;uite startling in t e 'ideo for Hife on 0arsG "long *it is great loo$s and &one structure and t e rest. If you@re t at andsome% if you can sing% and *rite lyrics and music% and loo$ &etter in ma$e+ u( t an most *omen% you may as *ell &e a roc$ star% and not a comedian% say. / at% and you can &e as muc of a dilettante as you li$e% intellectually% emotionally% artistically, a mag(ie of all

2>K

trades% a((ro(riating t e &est from ere and t ere and e'ery* ere% ma$ing it all your o*n. 0ost (eo(le are t e same I t in$, t ey@re 6ust less candid a&out admitting it. E'ery&ody *ants to &e seen as an =original5. I forgot to say% * en I *as listening to t e Peel ta(e% I5d felt dro*sy earlier% feeling unins(ired. 3r I *as tac$ling su&6ects too difficult for me * en feeling a &it slee(y, not ing t at a little snoo?e didn5t im(ro'e on% e'en if it *as only for fifteen minutes or so and I felt conscious most of t e time. It@s reminded me again of t e c aracter in an old comic stri( called / e /rut "&out Iilson, e *as a &it of a su(erman+ or su(er$id. In one scene% e rests &y lying on t e ground on is &ac$ *it one leg u(% &ent at t e $nee, t is is o* e slee(s% for fi'e minutes or so% * ile is friend *aits. I en e *a$ens% e tells im t at e feels as fully rested as if e@d 6ust ad a full nig t5s slee(% ints at some secrets e5s learned from /i&etan 0asters or some suc . <otions li$e t is al*ays fascinated me. Hater% t e connection *it !I crossed my mind, t at (er a(s t ere *as some $ind of sync ronicity as(ect. So it *as ama?ing to read% many years later% !olin Iilson remar$ing on t e same comic stri(, t at e@d read it as a &oy too. / is in #reaming to Some (ur(ose. -ut it must a'e &een an earlier 'ersion% or t e same one% re(rinted years later% as t ere@s almost t irty years &et*een us, e *as &orn in 1N31. I did mention it in a letter *ritten in long and &ac$ in 1NN4. / e orror. Poor !olin. I *as staying in 0into Street at t e time. / e orror.

2>M

I still feel a &it do?y. It@s (artly t e *eat er, it@s &een so *arm sometimes, @clammy@ 7 umid. "nd it@s (artly &ecause of slee(ing on t is settee. I (ractically li'e on it. I@m sitting ere on it no*% ty(ing. It isn@t e'en t e most comforta&le of seats. I *as t in$ing again earlier% if I ad a studio for (ainting% e'en one of t e ones in t e &uilding across t e street Q I@d (ro&a&ly ardly e'er use it. I could ta$e my @g etto &laster,@ and a &unc of ta(es I su((ose. E'ery time I let ca&le and t e net go for a * ile% I start t in$ing in terms of *or$ing my *ay t roug all t ose old Peel ta(es and ot ers, music and literary documentaries etc., and it *ouldn5t cost me a t ing. / en I5ll a'e (ainted more (ics in t e (rocess and *ill get old and die. / is * y I $ee( coming &ac$ to *riting% feeling it5s t e most im(ortant medium% certainly at t e moment and * at@s a((ening in t e *orld% and not least to little ol@ me. It@s a dirty 6o&% &ut someone as to do it. I@m sure t ey tell t emsel'es t at e'ery day, mostly *it a smir$. Say it *it a smir$. It@s a matter of time and a matter of sur'i'al, and not 6ust $ee(ing my ead a&o'e *ater eit er% &ut $ee(ing a*are of t e numinous as(ects of life. / is can &e t e most difficult (art% t e (art it@s all too easy to forget% lose sig t of. / e sense of t e numinous I ex(erienceLd t roug -o*ie@s music in my teens fer instance% and t at I later *ould t roug Si&elius% t en )anc eli. Es(ecially )anc eli. / ere *as not ing else ;uite li$e is music, it@s ;uite mar'ellous% s(ecifically is sym( onies from no >

2>N

t roug K. / ey &roug t on a sense of t e timeless% of t e real *orld, t at% or during t e duration of it% I felt exactly * ere I *anted to &e * ile t e concrete% cor(oreal *orld &ecame more and more insu&stantial% et ereal. Des% I5m 6ust a modern day Romantic% one of Iilson@s 3utsiders% 0aslo*@s self+actualisers. @/oo good@ for t is @'ast 'eil of tears@% and t e (le&s t at *ould ma$e t e matrix along *it t emsel'es t e dominant form of =li'ing5. -ut anyone in t eir rig t mind $no*s t at *ould &e @a fate *orse t an deat @, t at it5s no8t9 life at all% &ut t e ego@s (arody of life. I at5s to li$eG Painting may &e t e only t ing t at *ill e'er &ring me in any money. I en I com(lete t is in some form 7 and it@s mostly 6ust a related collection of t emes% ideas% not a no'el% or 6ournal as suc % and u(load it onto t e net% for sale t is time% not for free, I@ll include 'arious sections of *riting t at a'e already &een online for free. It may *ell not sell. It could sit t ere for mont s and years not selling% or selling muc at all. / at@s t e ris$% and% one as to ta$e into account% no (un intended% t at (ro&a&ility. It can@t &e el(ed. Self+ex(ression *ill out% * ate'er t e circumstances. 2inancial remuneration isn@t t e (ur(ose as suc % t oug it5s an inextrica&le as(ect of t is time. -ut I@d *rite for not ing% and a'e% all my life, * en I didn@t feel too in i&ited% too muc under someone@s *atc ful eye% from my mot er@s on*ards. <o* *e a'e t e narcissist army% t e mo& of t e minions% $ee(ing t eir *atc ful &ig eye on e'eryone. I@'e ad *riting go missing% as I said. "n earlier com(uter (o((ed its clogs &efore% so I &egan somet ing else until I ad t e cas for anot er one% and *rote a no'el+lengt account of e'ents o'er t e (ast years in t e s(ace of a fe* *ee$s, It *as really a mont if I include t e days I missed% &ut t e *riting itself too$ 6ust a fe* *ee$s. I li$ed t e sense of li&eration of long and again. I ad &een *riting a 6ournalLno'el on t e com(uter for some years% e'en t oug I $ne* t e &est medium for *riting a 6ournal is long and and ad &een doing 6ust t at for years. I *as tired of feeling it *as all *asted sometimes% &ecause I couldn@t get t e ideas do*n fast enoug , it *ould &e illegi&le. If I could increase my ty(ing s(eed I *ouldn5t a'e t at (ro&lem.

2B0

I also *ouldn5t a'e 6ournalsL*riting in my o*n fair and. It *ould all &e &y mac ine% tec nology. / ere *ould &e no @original manuscri(ts@. I $ne* !I ad $e(t u( *it and*ritten 6ournals. 3ne of is ma6or &iogra( ers% Co*ard #ossor% *rote a&out it. Iilliam -oyd *rites e'eryt ing in long and first% in is s(idery little scra*l% as e once descri&ed it 7 on a S$y "rts s ort. Ce said e (refers t e feeling of t e direct flo* from &rain to and% meaning it increases is creati'ity% I@m assuming. 2or one t ing% neit er t e &rain nor and a'e anyt ing to do *it t e mind% &ut are merely attri&utes of t e &ody. /rue% it *ould &e difficult to *rite or ty(e *it 6ust your &rain 7 unless it@s a matter of sound% &ut not ing in t is *orld% including t e *orld itself% is o&6ecti'ely real. Hi$e all music too% all of 4ogel@s mostly su&lime *atercolours% Sal'ador #ali@s% and .usta' 0oreau@s master(ieces% it *ill all fade% into t e =not ingness5 from * ic t ey came. -ut t e essence% our real creations% outside of s(ace and time% *ill last fore'er% as t ey do no*. "nd t at@s 6ust t e *ay it is. <ot t at t at@s any reason to des(air 7 t oug it mig t &e easy to in a de(ressed or 'ulnera&le state of mind. / e essence of t e truly creati'e% t e li'ing% *ill ne'er fade a*ay. <or is it any reason not to @create@ master(ieces eit er% or 6ust (ractice and (roduce * at you5re &est at or li$e doing. -ut on saying all t is% I can ne'er ;uite ma$e my mind u( 7 or couldn@t. I a'e no*. I@m tying t is. It@s mainly a matter of time. "s Ian -an$s said% it sim(ly ta$es too long do it in long and first. In is case e li$es to *rite a no'el in a fe* mont s and a'e t e rest of t e year for ot er t ings, it sound@s li$e a good life. I as$ myself if *riting in long and% t e desire to a'e t e (ro'er&ial @original manuscri(t@ for e'ery *or$% or any *or$ at all is more a ;uestion of 'anity% a sort of t ro*&ac$ to an earlier time, it@s more classically or traditionally literary. !I as a good analogy in -randy of t e #amned 7 !olin Iilson on 0usic% *ritten in t e early B0s% * ere e criticises t e orc estras * o s(ecialise in 'intage instruments for t e sa$e of aut enticity, t e (urists of you li$e% saying t at if modern tec nology ad &een a'aila&le to t e early musicians of t e time% t ey5d a'e used t em. 0y 'ie* is% yea % &ut *e a'e &ot still%

2B1

so it5s a case of a'ing t e &est of &ot *orlds. Ie can5t go &ac$ in time 'ery far exce(t for crac$ly old Edison ( onogra( cylinders% &ut as t e instruments are still in existence% it5s clearly t e next &est t ing. "nd * o *ouldn5t *ant to ear o* t ey sound% (layed (refera&ly my (rofessional musicians of course. <e* isn5t al*ays &etter. E'eryone $no*s t at% or s ould. I t oug t muc t e same reading it in my early t*enties. I *is I did a'e t e (atience for an =original5 manuscri(t. !I al*ays utilised t e ty(e*riter% exce(t for ma$ing notes% t en mo'ed on to *ord (rocessorsLcom(uters of course. Ce did *rite is ongoing 6ournals in long and t oug . !I once *rote t at *riters *ant to ex(erience t e friction% t e interaction of t eir talent *it society% or *ords to t at effect, I t in$ it *as in 3rigins of / e Sexual Im(ulse. / at5s no dou&t true still% &ut it@s also a&out connectionLs% ma$ing contacts% meeting li$e minds% e'en friends% lo'ers% tra'el% t e sense of ne* (ossi&ilities 8I5m sure e meant t at too9% and all t e more so no*% * en t ere@s t e e'er+gro*ing sense t at t e mac ine+ minded *ant to turn t e *orld into one &ig mac ine% a (rison% li$e t eir o*n minds and terminally restricted outloo$ *it its counterfeit% sterile emotions. Iriting% t e internetLelectronic communication is a lifeline, t e matrix *ould a'e and $ee( us se(arated% di'ided% all t e easier to isolate and $ee( isolated% and destroy. /rust t em to &e all genned u( and in c arge of t e tec nology. / e -org% t e umatons a'e to go. 3r t e less tec nical+minded li$e me a'e to get more sussed% organised. / ey a'e me rig t * ere t ey &elie'e t ey *ant me. It *ould ne'er occur to t em% or ;uite sin$ in t at I@m in my element in a sense too, t at t e t oug t of mundane *or$ is anat ema to me, as is t e t oug t of flitting from one grou( of clones li$e t emsel'es to t e next% going no* ere fast% as al*ays. / ey ne'er ma$e t e connection t at t e need to arass can only &e a reflection of t eir o*n terminal lac$ of direction% of going no* ere, t at it *or$s &ot *ays. I *ould ne'er t ri'e in a mediocre en'ironment in any case% and ne'er a'e. It@s sla'e la&our for t e ric man% to ma$e t em ric er. "ny mind *it any

2B2

enter(rise% any inno'ation as al*ays stro'e to &rea$ free of its circumstances% do it5s o*n t ing. / at needs an audience of course. 3ne t ing I li$e a&out *riting is t at it stays% * ile t e =audience5 can come and go as t ey (lease. -ut t e same can &e said for any artistic out(ut t at isn@t 6ust tal$ing% *it no record of it. 2orty &oo$s *ould &e good. P)# ad *ritten forty no'els &y t e time e *as my age% as *ell as a undred s ort stories. I@d $ill myself no* if it *eren5t for t at I@'e at least tried. <ot to $ill myself% &ut to get it toget er 8man9. -u$o*s$i *as fifty * en e *roteL(u&lis ed is first no'el% Post 3ffice. It *as only 1>0 (ages long. It sold o'er one million. .ood for im% considering o* do*n e *as in is life at t e time% ating is 6o&.

Tuesday It5s 'ery am. " continuation of 0onday for me. I5m still u(. / is is one of t ose * ere t e ell did t e day go days. Iarm and clammy again% slee(ing in too late% s(ending a fe* ours% reading more of 0atrix Iarrior again. Ce really $ne*L$no*s is stuff.

2B3

I@m con'inced it@s mostly ins(ired. Ce@s a man after my o*n eart and mind. It@s almost a &lue(rint for o* =targeted indi'iduals5 mig t sur'i'e and e'en t ri'e in t e matrix% in o* t ey can 'ie* t emsel'es and ot ers. 3nly% Corsley (uts it in a (rofound *ay. I@m ;uite tired. I can come &ac$ to it. "not er day of re(etition. NL11% t e attac$ on t e /*in /o*ers% is t e (erfect sym&ol of t is% and for e'ents to come, t ese re(etitious% clone+li$e (rograms of t e umatons. / e first to*er *as it% and *eLt ey assumed t at *as it% t e attac$ *as o'er% and &oom% it@s re(eated, a * olly unex(ected e'ent. "s if t e first im(act *asn@t unex(ected enoug as it *as. / e second made it clear it *as no coincidence% no accident 8/ oug t: In comedy% re(eating somet ing is usually for comic effect% as *it catc ( rases. In life% and &eyond at a certain (oint% it5s annoying. -eyond t at% it5s (ro&a&ly intentional. -eyond t at% you may *ell &e in t e mindset of a (syc o(at . /a$en to t e nt degree% it5s a (syo(9. / e (erfect =meta( or5% as I say% for t e re(eating loo( of t e umatons in t e form of t e @.S@% t e co'ert community -org. It@s interesting t at Corsley em( asises t e re(eating loo( as(ect% saying t ey a'e no real t oug ts of t eir o*n, t at it all stems from "I. I *ould 6ust call it t e ego% o'erall, t e *orld is t e (ro6ection of t is of course% as are ot er (eo(le and t e matrix in * ic t ey o(erate% t e matrix t eir lords and masters are trying to construct across t e * ole *orld, Prison Planet. It@s ;uite a com(lex system Corsley as extra(olated on t roug out is &oo$. Sometimes I disagree% as * en e seems to &elie'e t at umans are a (roduct of t e Eart . Cell% *e5re not e'en star stuff, all is 6ust as(ects of t e ego% a (ro6ection, Como sa(iens are an e(i( enomenon of it Q &ut t is is far less entertaining t an is &oo$. It crac$s me u( it@s so (syc ologically accurate a&out (eo(le, t e umatons. I lo'e it. It seems e'en &etter on a second reading. 0ay&e I5m in more of a (osition to a((reciate it no*. )en Ia(nic$% t e director of 2acim refers to t e re(eating loo( umanity is caug t in% in one of is articlesLne*sletters% saying t at 2reud ad long antici(ated it% t at it@s &ased on resistanceLre(ression and (ro6ection% and t at until *e &ecome a*are of t is% learning to *it dra* our (ro6ections% t ere@s no

2B4

o(e of umanity e'er sol'ing its seeming (ro&lems% * et er on a glo&al or (ersonal le'el. <o* it@s all (ersonal and glo&al. !I said t e 3utsider5s greatest (ro&lem is tri'iality. / is situation is an 3utsider5sLself+actualiser5s *orst nig tmare t en% * et er (oet% artist% *riter 7 or actor% (o( star% or modern day Ras$olni$o' or Ste((en*olf. 3r Sta'ogrin. Ie@re all ex(eriencing it. / e good community multi+stal$ers mig t seem relati'ely normal on t e face of it: I can e'en find t em ;uite friendly * en I@'e made it clear I can antici(ate t em% t at I@m no fool * en I (ut my mind to it. I@'e &een greeted% as$ed if I@m =all rig t5% *a'ed at% gi'en t e t um&s u( 8a (ossi&le (issta$e9% and% if 'ery rarely% actual con'ersations of a relati'e nature 7 t oug ot er interactions are mostly antagonistic &y t e 'ery nature of t e agenda% consisting mostly of me running t roug a series of gagsLone+liner =come&ac$s5 t at are also a com&ination of (syc ological o&ser'ation as *ell as criticism... *ear a*ay at slee(ing conceit% and * y notG It $ee(s me on my toes as *ell as t em too% ena&ling me to see t e umour in t e situation% e'en if it@s only to &e a*are of o* foolis L(at etic t ey are and it all is, an attitude t at can stem as muc from $ee(ing in mind t at *e@re all in t is toget er, t at t ey@re a (art of t is nig tmare too, an insig t t at can stem only from a certain com(assion. -ut mainly% it@s a tiresome% tedious &usiness, you could *aste your life on it and t em. / at5s t e idea. / ey a'e one main (erson 7 t eir andler% gi'ing t em instructions% t eir indirectly+ aggressi'e attac$ (rotocol for t e day% time &eing% * ate'er it may &e% &ased on (ast res(onseLs% anyt ing t at seems to &e a res(onse% (refera&ly somet ing t at can &e interrelated as an indication of guilt% e'en if t e association is solely in t eir o*n minds% made u( &y t e instigators, suggestion% insinuation% *ill do t e rest. Some @/Is@ *on@t discuss it, t e se;uence of e'ents% o* it may a'e come a&out% and I can@t say I &lame t em. If suc a large segment of t e (o(ulation is *illing to go along *it t is% * y (lay rig t into t eir ands t roug ex(anding on or exacer&ating t eir 'irtual cons(iracy * en t at5s (art of t e set+ u(G I get t at. .et t e un*itting (atsy to s(read Their dirty *or$ for / emLdig a dee(er ole for t emsel'es in t e (rocess. / e

2B>

ego is one &ig cosmic tra( and t e narcissists *e a'e $no*n% t e tric$sters and gamesters from our (asts as no*% are in league in uns(o$en collusion. / e ego ne'er forgets, t e ego is one. / e ego as a goal% an agenda. / e *orld is a liar% as !olin Iilson said 8/ e ego is a liar% as Joe Jesse( said9. / e ego is loc$ed in a re(etition com(ulsion. It@s a strange state of mind t at ne'er forgets t e (ast% o*e'er distorted t e associations &y * ic it comes to inter(ret it in t e (resent and &ecause of its inter(retations in t e (resent it *on5t let its (ro6ections of t e (ast go. / e ego doesn@t old your (ast against you, it olds its own (ast against you, t e &elief in it% (ro6ecting it out. "nd if it can@t find a *ay to do t at 7 and it *ill endea'our to scre* *it you t e * ole time% * et er directly or indirectly until it does% 6ust as t e =.S5 do no*% until t eir set u(s stic$% it *ill in'ent it% as no*. It@s all furt er suggestion% guilt &y association. It@s not 6ust a narcissistic mindset% it@s (syc o(at ic: Psyc o(at s are ade(t a creating a tissue of contradictory% conflicting statements, a *e& of lies t at no t era(ist can unra'el, t ey5re (articularly good at s ifting and reinter(reting e'ents% situations% to suit t eir o*n inter(retations% and as li$ely engineered for t at 'ery (ur(ose in some instances. -lac$ can &ecome * ite and 'ice+'ersa. / e =.S5 system is ade(t at t is% unsur(risingly, it5s t eir 'irtual modus o(erandi 7 t oug it ta$es some ex(erience% often &itter% to see t at t is is a common (loy in t e narcissistic armoury and mindset. / ey@re t e first ones to inter(ret a situation as t ey see fit% in t eir fa'our and to your detriment in t at it@s a set u( all along, t ey@ll accuse you of t e 'ery t ing t ey@re doing t emsel'es, o*e'er tri'ial t e circumstances% t ey@re t e first to call t e co(s *it all t e self+rig teous fury of someone * o sees t emsel'es as a 'ictim &eyond endurance. / e (olice t emsel'es are good at t is% as is clearer &y t e day no*% arresting t e 'ery (eo(le t ey@'e assaulted or &eaten u(% accusing t em of assault, t ey@re often rum&led only t roug 'ideo e'idence t at clearly contradicts t eir statements. Hying seems to come as naturally as &reat ing. It@s form o'er content, * ate'er *or$s% or seems to, (lease yourself% inter(ret it as you li$e. / e =.S5 arassment and

2BB

set+u(s *or$ on t e same &asis, t e arassment is t e set+u( too, it &lends into eac ot er. / is is * y t ey@re so conceited% com(lacent% *it t eir c aracteristic smir$s, * y t ey see t emsel'es as 'irtually omni(otent% untouc a&le, it@s &ecause if you res(ond% retaliate% t ere@s more of t em t an t ere is of you, t ey@ll find all t e *itnesses t ey need% seemingly unconnected% good innocent citi?ens minding t eir o*n &usiness until you% t e cra?y (erson came along% gi'ing t em t e finger% or sna((ing a fe* ( otos% or armed *it a 'ideo camera% causing un*arranted =fear and alarm5% in'ading t eir (ri'acy% encroac ing on t eir territory Q their *orld. "nd t e (olice% t e aut orities% *ill &e rig t t ere to distort and inter(ret as t ey see fit. Dou may &e an artist% or e'en a *riter Q &ut if you@re not a (rofessional% t ey@ll &e t e first to tell you+ also a gi'ea*ay as (art of t eir 0.3. and t e set+u(% $no*ing o* it *ill &e inter(reted in t e lig t of suc exem(lary% conscientious citi?ens t at *ere so needlessly arassed &y t is *ort less (iece of s it Q So t ere@s no real 6ustification * y you *ere using a camera% ta$ing notes in a (ad% * ate'er it may &e. Dou@re under arrest% andLor if you@re seen *it a camera% 'idcam% note&oo$% * ic targeted indi'iduals need so as not to a'e to rely on memory% as t ey $no*% ma$ing it all t e more difficult to $ee( trac$ of t e relentless co'ert arassment scenarios t at are often administered from street to street% minute to minute e'en 7 and t at a film cli( could easily ma$e ;uite clear in many instances% you@ll &e arrested again and c arged. 3r not. Pro&lem sol'ed. In t e meantime% *e@ll $ee( an eye on you% ru& t e situation in your face &y increasing t e 'ery incidents intended to arass and terrorise you from t e outset% all 6ust a (art of furt ering and com(ounding t e co'ert aggression intended to demoralise and neutralise t e target% * et er t roug an @accident@ 7 loss of concentration t roug anxiety o'er t e situation% loss of slee( etc.% or &y is or er o*n andLself arm. "n increasing do*n*ard s(iral at &est% t roug constant interference% &adgering% $ee(ing your attention directed out*ards, all t e sim(ler for you to forget t e sim(lest t ings% &ut t at are essential to &e done for daily functioning% until life &ecome a =tissue of im(ossi&ilities5 indistinguis a&le from a =ty(ical5

2BK

neuroticLneurast enic condition. " con'iction% *ill of course &e on your (ermanent record andLor a fine *ill it you * ere it urts% furt er affecting and decreasing your a&ility as an autonomous indi'idual in a (osition to (rogress in immediate or e'en long term goals, it *ill of course effect e'ery as(ect of your (ersonal and (rofessional life of you a'e one% t oug t is is all 6ust an as(ect of our strategy of reducing your o(tions on e'ery le'el% * et er in your (resent 6o& andLor creati'e (ro6ects and inter(ersonal relations i(s. If you a'e one *e@ll endea'our to sa&otage it as &est *e can% and if you don@t% *e@ll endea'our to $ee( it t at *ay% for it5s all t e more effecti'e in isolating and demoralising you 7 and you $no* t e means *e a'e at our dis(osal, *e $no* e'eryone you call and * o calls you, *e $no* * en you lea'e% * ere you go% * o you see% * at you do. Ie will *ear you do*n% *e will $ill you% * et er it ta$es *ee$s% mont s% years% decades, &ecause *e@ll ne'er &e s ort of ta$ers% of good citi?ens% * o ne'er see t e irony% t e (aradox of &ecoming t e 'ery t ing t ey &elie'e t ey@re fig ting against. Ie@ll ta$e it to a * ole @ne*@% le'el, it@s glo&al no*, t ere@s no defeating us, t ere@s no getting a*ay from us. -y oo$ or &y croo$% &y lies or *ild exaggeration% *e@ll destroy you% come * at may. #estruction is * at *e do, *e@re 'ery good at it, *e@'e ad lots of (ractice, you@re e'en (art of t at researc . 3ur moti'ation is deat . Ie are t e s ado*y (eo(le * o mas;uerade as t e lig t% iding &e ind t e scenes% tragically dissociated from oursel'es% e'eryone *e $no*% and% most of all% from .od. Ie@re t e arrogant% t e sterile% t e facile% ne'er a'ing learned t e difference &et*een cle'erness and *isdom. Ie@re t e terminally emotionally immature% &elie'ing oursel'es to &e t e e(itome of adult ood% =&orn *inners5% in control. / e cle'erer *e &elie'e *e are% t e more tec nological inno'ations *e in'ent and s(read around t e (lanet in t e name of democracy and $ee(ing t e (eace% t e more t e *orld@s systems of control fall a(art% disintegrating under our o*n dead *eig t. "nd *e a'e no idea * at to do a&out it. If *e e'er did% *e@re not listening. If you do% *e don5t care% &ecause *e5re insane. If *e go do*n% you@re going do*n *it us, t at@s * at narcissists% * at (syc o(at s do. #eat

2BM

is surely more acce(ta&le% more &eara&le t an t e t oug t of lo'e% of .od% of t e real *orld% a *orld &ased on t e la*s of lo'e and sanity and true com(assion and s aring. If *e all did t at% * at *ould t ere &e left for usG Ie all $no* t ere surely isn5t enoug to go aroundG 0any of you *ill a'e to die. / e true =creati'es5% t e (oets% t e lo'ers% you a'e to go too, es(ecially you 7 you@re t e (otential connecting (oint to t e source &eyond t e matrix, *e don@t *ant more lig t in% *e *ant rid of it, *e *ant rid of you. Dou@re a (otentially dangerous% su&'ersi'e influence, you could come to influence too many (eo(le, (er a(s not no*% &ut in t e long run% ex(onentially. If *e get rid of you% neutralise you% *e get rid of any future (rogeny too, t e lineL&uc$ sto(s *it you and your $ind, t e *orld as a &etter c ance of $ee(ing and staying on t e course *e a'e long set it on, *e don@t need you and your so called @a*a$ening@ and influencing% (oisoning t e minds ot ers * o *ere (erfectly a((y slum&ering as t ey *ere% as good cogs in t e mac ine% ready% eager e'en% to do our &idding * en *e need t em, *e don@t need you and your creati'e @t oug t+ex(eriments@% your s(eculation or =o&ser'ations5% ;uestioning e'ery as(ect of life% t e status ;uo, *e decide * at it is and o* it s ould &e =inter(reted5. / ese decisions a'e already &een made and *ere long ago. #ho do you t in$ you areG I o and * at do t ey t in$ / ey areG / at5s * at I5m t in$ing. I agree *it !I in agreeing *it =/om5 of =t e <ine5 in t e &oo$ / e 3nly Planet of ! oice on t is (osition at least: t at t e =Eart 5 is causing a =&ottlenec$5 in e'olution% affecting t e * ole solar system and furt er afield. I@d go furt er. I $no* t at o*e'er illusory% it@s against nature, our o*n, t at it@s an attac$ on .od. "s t e !ourse says% it@s * y t e *orld *as made. If our destiny is to 6oin t e =galactic community5 on t e 6ourney to .od% not to &e corralled and controlled on a (rison (lanet *it in a series of collecti'e and (ersonal matrices &y a &unc of fearful% emotionally and (syc ologically dissociated control frea$s intent on t eir o*n destruction along *it e'eryone * o doesn@t &elie'e in t eir suicidal% murderous agenda Q I5m only telling it as I see and ex(erience it. Read it as =(olitical5 fantasy% dysto(ian S2 of

2BN

sorts. I ate'er you (refer. It5s only a dream of e'olution any*ay% an as(ect of t e 6ourney *it out distance to*ard a goal t at as ne'er c anged.

Tuesday$ Evening$ It@s e'ening. So yea % all t ose o'erly com(licated% interlin$ed con'olutions I *as going to descri&e% or at least scratc t e surface ofQ -ut it@s neit er desira&le nor necessary to try and co'er it all. It *ould also &e literally im(ossi&le. It@s all of a $ind. /edious% re(etitious, t e -org stuc$ in t eir re(eating loo(% follo*ing t e instructions of t eir e;ually deluded% misguided masters and so on u( t e c ain of insanity% ad infinitum. / is is localised% ultimately% (syc ologically% (aroc ial% &ut it@s also glo&al. It may &e tri'ial% *it eringly tedious to any sane mind% &ut it as a serious if ludicrous intent as al*ays, murder. If it@s all 6ust 'ariations on a t eme% clone+li$e re(etition of t e same t oug t+system% t e same goal% t en I@'e no need to figure eac instance out, t e (let ora of 'eCic$les t at magically a((ear on t e scene as soon as I@m out t e door and u( t e street%

2K0

a((roac ing t e first side+streets% t e four corners, it could &e a &i$e or &i$es too 7 t ey5re really (iling on t e &i$es of late% &ut suffice it to say t e goal is to $ee( one in a state of anxiety, not least as traffic can and does come u( &e ind me of course, t e (ro&lem ere is 7 and I $ne* it mig t &e a &ad c oice 7 is t at it@s all *or$s, t ere are no more flats until I get to near t e end of t e road. 0ore s(ecifically t oug % t e goal is to induce a ( o&ia% t roug =anc oring5% sensitisation% re(eated suggestion. / e &i$esters% male and female ali$e% ma$e a a&it of cycling from t e road to t e (a'ement and along it% and 'ice+'ersa, 'irtually any 'ariation you mig t care to (osit% including of course% &i$es+ (seudocyclists% a((roac ing from t e front% coming along t e (a'ement to*ards me and from &e ind% as yesterday again% * en I *as out% as *ell as from t e side. / ey@re all fa'ourites. "gain% it@s mostly suggestion, t ey@re not an actual t reat in t emsel'es as suc % t oug o&'iously it@s dangerous, I can &e distracted crossing t e street if I (ay it any attention% on any road% any &usy 6unction at all% and &efore you $no* it% I@m loo$ing t e *rong *ay% ste((ing out in front of a car I didn@t see% mostly li$ely unin'ol'ed% &ut I@'e found not ing s ould &e ruled out. / ey $no* t is of course, t is is all a (art of t e strategy% t e set+u(, it@s all distraction% sleig t+of+ and, e'entually you@re going to scre*+u(% &e a &it @under t e *eat er@ t at day% or &etter still% and 6oy of 6oys for t em% t at you de'elo( an unconscious atred for yourself. / at if you *eren@t suc a &ad lot in t eir eyes% someone5s eyes% for * ate'er reason% t en t is *ouldn@t &e a((ening, t at% surely% t ey must &e on t e side of good% so in effect% .od must &e in on it too, o* could Ce let t is a((en ot er*iseG In =reality5% it@s all re'ersed, t e fear of .od is t eirs, t e unconscious atred of .od% t emsel'es% eac ot er% t e *orld% is t eirs. It@s all in t eir o*n minds 8/ is is a reflexi'e (ronoun% a((arently, I5m im(ressed in s(ite of myself, I didn5t $no* I ad it in me9. / ere@s one little fla* in t eir (syc o(at ic% fool(roof master (lan. It@s su&stanceless% insane, t ey@'e made it all u(. 2or * ic reason% it doesn@t a'e t e desired effect% or not as t ey li$e, it@s =6ust5 irritating no*. 2rom anot er (oint of 'ie* it@s

2K1

unner'ing of course. "gain% I can t in$ of female targets t at a'e committed suicide o'er t is, t ey o&'iously found it o'er* elming. "nd * y *ouldn@t t eyG Part of t e tactic% t e goal &e ind t e s*arming% * et er &y 'e icles% &i$es etc.% is% as I say% to create t e im(ression t e * ole *orld% certainly t e * ole area if not t e * ole to*n is against you. If you relocate or tra'el and find t e same t ing a((ening% t is *ill only create t e same sense of claustro( o&ia, and of course% guilt. / e 'ery ( enomenon in itself is &i?arre enoug as it is. It@s all a confidence tric$, it as no more su&stance or real (o*er t an t e old man in t e Ii?ard of 3?% iding &e ind t e &ig curtain and is loud contra(tions% scaring t e cra( out of #orot y and er c ums. It@s all smo$e and mirrors. 1nless you a((en to ste( out in front of car% 'an% * ate'er% as I a'e numerous times, I@'e also ad t em a((ear from =no* ere5% ?i((ing around t e corner as I@m a&out to ste( out. / is seems to &e a game of cat and mouse for t em. -ut once or t*ice% I@'e ad t e im(ulse to sto(% 6ust &efore I cross% as at t e little lane &eside 0ac#onald Road li&rary. I mention t is &ecause t e delay *as of me% not im% as e s ot around t e corner% inc es from me, I loo$ed at im and e loo$ed &ac$ in (assing% t en &ac$ to t e road. Ce ad on little s ades as t ey often do, it ser'es as a (artial disguise for some I t in$% as *ell as t at you can5t see ;uite * ere t ey5re loo$ing sometimes. Security at su(ermar$ets all o'er% do t e same, call it t e narcissists (reference. I@'e seen cars% truc$s% run u( o'er on t e (a'ement, it@s to suggest t at t e (a'ement% no (art of t e street at all is a a'en of safety of any $ind, t at t ey can do t at anytime, t at t ey5re in c arge. 3t er (eo(le *ould see itG Des% a car ni((ed out t e side lane off Dor$ Place as I *as facing it from t e traffic lig ts on t e ot er side as it came around t e side onto t e (a'ement. / e (retext *as t at it@s some sort of a s ortcut in t at instance 7 t ey *ere councilLcom(any *or$ers+ t e road *as &loc$ed off in t e centre *it *or$ &arricades, tall *ire+mes fences. / e timing *as intentional. / e ot er instance% t oug t ere are ot ers I@'e li$ely forgotten o'er t e mont s% *as a large articulated 'an% coming do*n t e Cig StreetLRoyal 0ile as I *as going &y along t e @-ridges5 and loo$ing u(. It *as 'ery am%

2K2

so t ere *as ardly anyone else around, an intimidating little s o*% 6ust for me. .etting to Princes Street% it all felt different again after t at, t e streets *ere coloured &y a $ind of =e'il5, not ing *as as it ad seemed, t ey *ere in t e ands of somet ing else% anot er force% anot er entity, t ey *ere a *ar ?one of sorts and I *as one of t e targets, It felt curiously unreal again% as if I *as li'ing in a S2 mo'ie, it really *as straig t out of / ey Hi'e 7 t oug I@d already $no*n t at. / is% after I5d got my get out of 6ail card at 4am% after &eing detained for (ointing my camera at (eo(le% or t at *as t e accusation% and t at5s * en t ey let me% t fend for my little ol5 self. In fact% I sat around a &it in t e foyer * en I *as left to myself% still feeling slee(y+ t ey5d ad to *a$e me u(% and collect my t oug ts% as *ell as antici(ate t e stal$ing in t e dar$. In fact as soon as I5d ste(t in t at rece(tion area% a &i$e a((eared &ang on time in t e relati'e dar$ness. / is% after seeing t*o (syc iatrists for my a((arent deleusions. / ey really are = a'ing a laug 5. Iere. / is carried on at e'ery (oint% corners% 6unctions% t roug taxis etc.% all t e *ay &ac$% along *it t e u&i;uitous &i$es of course. -ut I@m getting a ead of myself. "nd &e ind. So &y re(eatedly &eing on t e (a'ement% e'en in t e distance% t roug e'ery 'ariation in &et*een too% it ser'es as a reminder% a negati'e stimulus troug lin$age of memory. 8!learly t ey@re assuming t ere@s not ing *rong *it my memory for t at reason 7 t e means of t e gaslig tingLcra?yma$ing% =dar$ <HP5% t roug * ic t ey *ear t eir targets do*n% disorientate t em9. It@s negati'e suggestion t roug re(etition 7 t e @anc oring@L(riming and sensitisation 7 of (otential andLor actual danger t roug timing it so t ey@re on t e corners% at 6unctions% meaning any street or road at all 7 t e end of any (a'ement at all, in order to cross to t e ot er side% t e goal is to induce not only a sense of constant anxiety% fear% &ut a ( o&ia, t e goal% if you don@t lose your concentration or react to t e set+u( and indirect aggressionLconstant aggra'ationL arassmentLstal$ing and *al$ into somet ing you s ouldn@t 7 is to induce P/S#. <ot too sur(risingly% t is can lead to a ner'ous &rea$do*n% a (anic attac$ or attac$s% and ot er anxiety disorders in t e less (syc ologically

2K3

or emotionally ro&ust or (re(ared. It@s also t e intention. It@s insane in t at it assumes t at as e'eryone as a &rea$ing (oint and *e@re all 6ust frail &odies any*ay% t e only real (rotection is to side *it t ese sym&ols of t e egos &elief in itsLt eir o*n omni(otence and omniscience% * et er o'ertly or co'ertly. "nd it@s clear t at t ey do see t emsel'es as (ractically omniscient, t at t is *orld and cle'erness is e'eryt ing to t em. / ey a'e t e tec nology% no* utilised for nefarious means, .PS connected to com(uter systems. Ho'ing t eir 'indicti'e+minded (etty little games% eld o(elessly in t e t rall of t e ego and its illusory *orld li$e any good narcissistic (syc o(at *ort t eir salt% t ey *allo* in t e unt and relaying messages &ac$ and fort to eac ot er% on t e =targetLs5 reactions% demeanour% * erea&outs etc.% (lanning t eir mean little s$its and strategies in ad'ance% and% (refera&ly% I stic$ to my antici(ated route. It *ould ne'er occur to t em for one moment% t at t e ego as com(letely ood*in$ed t em, t at its inter(retations ser'e only to ri'et t em to t e seeming reality of t e *orld. / at t e *orld itself is 6ust a &ig round &all 7 and (retty infinitesimal com(ared to countless ot er (lanets and suns 7 in t e middle of @infinity@, not to mention t at t e solar system itself is situated on an outside s(iral of a uge galaxy% t e 0il$y Iay% itself only one of countless &illions. I don@t t in$ t ey t in$ in t ese terms 'ery often% if at all, it@s too u(setting. I li$e to $ee( it in mind * en I can, it gi'es me a sense of (ers(ecti'e. I dou&t t e @aliens@ *ill &e coming do*n and rescuing any&ody t oug . / at reminds me, I ad a (retty ama?ing% @s(ectacular@ 123 ex(erience some mont s &ac$. I $e(t meaning to come &ac$ to it o'er t e (ast *ee$s &ut I lost a fe* undred (ages of *riting% didn@t get around to it% so may&e it@s 6ust as *ell. I *ouldn@t a'e it any more. I@ll come &ac$ to it soon% 6ust in case I forget again, it@s tied u( *it so many as(ects of t ings% t is situationLt ese e'ents and t e *ider context of t e galactics5 and t eir (resence% as *ell as ot er more unsettling areas% namely / e Stargate !ons(iracy 7 t oug t ere@s Ic$e@s air+raising Re(tilians scenario too. !onsider t e (ossi&ility t at t e goons% t e minions and t eir

2K4

airdressers Q andlers% and t eir masters too% don5t $no* * om or * at t ey are *or$ing for, t at t e true agenda is an alien ta$eo'er% s(ecifically t e Re(tiods and ot ers. Iell% fuc$ me side*ays. / e trou&le is t ey@re so dissociated in t emsel'es% so muc t e o((osite of * at t ey &elie'e t emsel'es to &e t at t ey@re inca(a&le of seriously considering suc a (ossi&ility 7 * ile in t e (rocess of &ringing t e 'ery situation a&out. I t in$ to some (eo(le% some targeted indi'iduals too% t is mig t not come as too muc of a sur(rise. Someone once descri&ed t e situation as more orrifying t an any Ste( en )ing no'el. It@s &ecause it is a((ening. Illusory or not% in meta( ysical terms, it is ta$ing (lace. It@s im(ortant to $ee( in mind t oug % t at t is is also 6ust t e ego@s circuitous *ay of ma$ing illusions real, of $ee(ing t e &elief in sin and guilt real in t e mind of t e targets% &ut also itself too% in t e form of t e =gs5 -S% t e minions and t eir misguided instructors in t is instance. It@s 6ust anot er confidence tric$ of t e ego. If targeted (eo(le get into t e mindset of a&solutely insistin t is is going on% endea'ouring to prove t e existence of t is @cons(iracy@ &y * ate'er means t ey can% t en% as *ell as falling into t e tra( of seeing t emsel'es as 'ictims 7 and some see t emsel'es as 'ery s(ecial 'ictims% for t e ego sees e'eryt ing in terms of s(ecialness and t e unconscious atred it stems from 7 t ey also (ut t emsel'es in t e (osition of arguing for t e reality of 'ictimisation% sin% guilt and fear. In s ort% t e illusion% t e ologram% com(uter simulation% call it * at you li$e, t e reality of t eir o*n (ro6ections and t e (ro6ections of ot ers. I read again ;uite recently% t at t ere@s a condition (syc iatrists are calling /ruman S o* Syndrome: Peo(le are con'inced t ey@re t e centre of attention in t eir o*n /4 s o*. Presuma&ly t ey mean t en% t at it also in'ol'es t e same co'ert o(erations, t at no one is telling t em t ey5re in a /4 s o*, t ey@'e 6ust figured it out for t emsel'es some o*. / is is% I5m guessing% delusional. If t ey are on /4% it@s !!/4% li$e t e rest of us, only some of us are targeted more or less t en ot ers, "nd !!/4 isn@t t e only means of trac$ing someone% * et er to 6ust to $ee( ta&s on t em% or use it for t e (ur(oses of

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arassmentLstal$ing. I@d consider t e (ossi&ility t at in some instances% (ossi&ly many% it is t e case t at some (eo(le &elie'e t is, t at t e *orld is a /4 @s o*@ t at re'ol'es around t em, one only as to read an issue of t e 2ortean /imes to $no* 6ust o* *eird some (eo(le@s &elief systems can get, &i?arre in t e extreme. -ut t ere are also ot er (ossi&ilities. Is it &eyond t e &ounds of (ossi&ility t at some targets 7 t ere are undreds of t ousands across t e *orld 7 * en% a'ing told friends% relati'es% t e (olice and &een referred to (syc iatrists% t at some (syc iatrists a'e exaggerated it for t eir o*n (ur(oses% * et er to (rescri&e more drugs% or to ma$e t e target sound e'en loo(ier t an t ey &elie'e t em to &e% or% *orse% use it as an indirect tactic to discredit t em and t eir claims as a result of t eir o*n denial and e'en fear of &ecoming a target% or if not t at t en% &ut t at t ey may &e seen as @unsta&le@ or e'en as @mentally ill@ as t e target t emsel'es% not to mention 8to mention9 (ossi&le 8(ro&a&le9 collusionG Is it coincidence t at t e minions use t e same tactics as seen in t e actual film / e /ruman S o*G -icycles 7 namely t e (eo(le riding t em% fre;uently intersect * ere'er I a((en to &e% &ut as often as not% it5s at 6unctions too. / is isn5t so muc coincidence as com(ounding =coincidence5. It5s t e aforementioned =anc oring5 and sensitisation, suggested t reat, (syo(s. / ey did it yesterday as I a((roac ed /esco@s from t e !anonmills side. / ere@s a @s ort+cut@ from t e &ac$, it@s &asically an o(ening for anyone on t at side, t ere@s a ousing sc eme t ere too. / e o(ening on t e (at at t e to( of t e road is only a fe* yards *ide% constructed as suc so t at a car can@t use it. / e (at on t e ot er side% * ic also intersects ot er (at s along t e *ay% is still (retty longis eit er *ay% till you get to /esco@s. Det% t*o &i$es intersected in 'ie* of me *it in t e ga( at t e to( of t e road and on t e (at &e ind% as I $ne* t ey *ould. If I@d ad a 'ideo camera% I@d (redict it, it *ould &e that sim(le. 3nly% it isn@t% and *ouldn@t &e% &ecause t at5s to &e seen as sus(icious or @odd@% e'en sinister acti'ity no*. "lso% t ey could of course ad6ust% altering t eir strategies% at least until t ey@'e alerted t e co(s in collusion *it t e matter in and. -ut t is% as I5'e said% is t e ti(

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of t e ice&erg. / at@s a single incident, t ere are tens 8 undreds9 a day% undreds 8t ousands9 o'er a *ee$% t ousands 8tens of t ousands9 from mont to mont . <o street or road or (at on one5s (at is exem(t from it. !yclists and motor+&i$ers are t ere at t e 6unctions on roads &eside me% not e'en close to u(to*n% * ere you *ould ex(ect it to &e &usier. I@m tal$ing t ree% four% fi'e &i$es% @se(arate5 (eo(le going &y% circling% a((earing along t e (a'ement% t is on one (articular s(ot on a road t at stretc es for miles eit er *ay% in one form or anot er. It@s a&surd. "m I to assume t at t is is t e case on e'ery ot er 6unction on e'ery ot er road or street% sayG / at isn@t t e issue, t ey don@t care. " clearly =delusional5 (erson5s o(inion carries no *eig t. E'entually% 0 *ill% exce(t o* t ey and t eir &ac$ers c oose to inter(ret it. " 'ideo camera *ould demonstrate t e ludicrousness of t e situation as *ell as ta$e it out of t e realm of imagination% exaggeration% or delusion. / ey don@t care% &ecause I fall for it% (ointing my camera e'ery * ic *ay I (lease. Peo(le com(lain on a cou(le of se(arate occasions% (ro&lem sol'ed. Plainclot es co(s come u(% say t ere@s &een a com(laint% c ec$ my camera 7 t ere@s not ing on it% gi'e me a fair+minded sounding *arning. S ortly after% t ey@re &ac$. -ecause I *as u(front a&out t e gs -S% saying I@ll (oint it in t e street as soon as I go out% namely at t e first corners 6ust u( t e road a &it% catc t e cars% &i$es% * ome'er and * ate'er% s*arming in. It isn@t long &efore t e co(sters are &ac$% on t e instigation of t eir su(erior% a((arently. 3nly% I@d done my o(ening and closing t e front door routine to ma$e out I *as going out% to see * o came &y% as *ell as =*rong foot5 any% and * o s ould ?oom in% &ut t e t*o detecs again. E!ould you o(en t e door% Ro&ertGF -ecause I@m sitting at t e loo *indo* *atc ing t em as t ey come in. It@s all 'ery @friendly. / ey don@t as$ o* I $ne* to &e t ere% * ic *ould &e &ac$ to front in any case. / ey $ne* to &e t ere, t e idea *as to sur(rise me as I *as going out. / at@s * at I@'e 6ust *ritten% only% I didn@t $no* it *ould &e t em. / is could actually &e coincidence% * ic *ould mean I@m reacting to my o*n inter(retations, t is is o* it can *or$ too, t is is o* t ey =get5 you, t is is o* e'eryday e'ents can *or$ in t eir fa'our% only% in t is case% it can

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ardly &e descri&ed as an e'eryday occurrence% e'en if it@s a (art of it. I did feel confident enoug to remar$ on it t oug , or rec$less, it *as too con'eniently timed. Ce res(onded as if I *as cra?y of course% or &eing silly at &est% if too intelligent to laug 7 or snic$er as t e minions do, moc$ exas(eration sufficed. / e (olice t emsel'es seem to &e as muc t e minions in t ese set+ u(s. Earlier% t oug % e did say a silly t ing% an o&'ious gi'ea*ay% * en e as$ed me if I use my &i$e muc % c atty li$e% seeing it sitting in t e $itc en. / ey en6oy t eir cle'er little games, I t in$ t ey li$e to feel su(erior. I *asn@t going to let t em in at first% t oug really% t at *as 6ust to ma$e it clear t ey didn5t intimidate me and t at I $ne* I *asn5t o&liged to. I en t ey o&6ected% I said I don@t in t e least mind * o ears * at t ey a'e to say. " set u( is a set u(, it@s all -S% o*e'er 6ustified (eo(le mig t feel in com(laining. I didn@t say any of t at (art t oug , let t em carry on *it t eir s enanigans% see * at de'elo(s. / ey too$ t e o((ortunity to snoo( around% o(ening t e door of t e large cu(&oard in t e lo&&y 6ust inside% &y t e outside door, it@s full of &oo$s% almost u( to t e ceiling. Dou s ould (ut t em all in a &ig &ac$(ac$ e said, get t em do*n to a &oo$s o(. I do a'e a large &ac$(ac$ as it 6ust so a((ens, it@s (ro&a&ly lying under all t ose &oo$s. I *onder if (art of it *as (ee$ing out. I a'e &ig &ac$(ac$% I say. I used it for carrying art*or$L(rints% years ago. "nd to &ring some of t e &oo$s ere from t e last (lace. -ut I didn@t &uy t e &oo$s to sell t em at a c ea(er (rice% or sell t em at all% if I can el( it, I &oug t t em to read, I@m 6ust s ort of s(ace. It isn@t a large flat. "nd so many &oo$s% so little time. /y(ical of P! Plod% t e gangstal$ing sod% to see t em as almost 'alueless, 6ust a meaningless o&&y or o&session of mind 7 t at goes no* ere% unli$e t eir su(ercle'er% effecti'e% megalomaniac glo&al master (lan. I@m sure t ey 6ust see t emsel'es as cleaning u( t e community% e'en if t at means murder &y slo* degrees, getting rid of t e riff+raff% t e =useless eaters5% t e (arasites% i((ies and *eirdoes% t e (eo(le t at a'e no (ractical (lace in =t eir5 *orld% no =nic e5 li$e t emsel'es. Det more im(ostors * o don@t $no* s it &ecause t ey don@t $no*

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t ey don@t $no*% &ecause t ey t in$ t ey a'e it all so*n u(% t ey and t eir -orgian &uddies. / ey mig t &e in different (rofessions &ut it@s 6ust li$e some of t e teac ers I recall from sc ool and t e rest% t e ma6ority of t em, mediocrity rules. If you get a*ay from it% from t em% t roug a'ing a talent for s(ort or art orLand music 7 t e traditional esca(e for *or$ing class $ids% t en you@re fortunate. Dou could al*ays get yourself &ogged do*n in a lifetime of de&t no*% (er(etuating t e 'ery system t at landed you in it. 3t er*ise% unless you a((en to &e &orn into a certain (ri'ilege or are academically &rig t% you mig t get yourself to 3xford or !am&ridge% t e ones * o got t emsel'es into comedy I mean% t oug t at does include media &ores li$e Ste( en 2ry and ot ers * o I see as muc a (art of t e (ro&lem% t is ( ysicalist% @secular@ mindset * ere t e *orld is (retty muc all and e'eryt ing. 0onty Pyt on did c eer u( t e ell out of me t oug . "s did -o*ie of course% and -ruce Hee, anot er unex(ected a'enue. 0ost of all t ere *as !I as I say% as *ell as &oo$s in general. So literary talent *as al*ays anot er (ossi&ility of esca(e for some, e@s *ritten on similar situations for earlier *riters% suc as #ic$ens *or$ing in a &lac$ing factory, * ate'er t at is exactly. 3t er*ise% you@re 6ust anot er no&ody on t e &ottom% *orse t an a no&ody in fact% for at least t e common man *or$s. / ey loo$ do*n on you for not getting it toget er% &ut most of all t ey resent you for your talent, If you *ere successful t ey@d a'e ot er means to arass you% or at least t ere could &e unforeseen re(ercussions% (u&licity, t ey $no*% as I say% t at you@re not li$e t em% &ut no*% in a s ifting and s afted (olitical climate% t e situation is 6ust ri(e for t em to mo'e in on you% doing t eir &est co'ertly% to (re'ent you from ma$ing any furt er lee*ay% loo$ing to drag you &ac$*ards and do*n in self+rig teousness and t e guise of t e most faultless moti'es% * ereas it@s 6ust a (retext% a reflection of t eir atred o'er t eir o*n dull% sorry% dissatisfied li'es% a con'enient co'er for t e fact t ey a'e no real ans*er to life% no idea * at it@s a&out or * at it@s for. / ey@re not genuine @good guys@ at all. If t ey *ere% o* come t ey use t e same tactics as t e 'illainLs in t e classic mo'ieLs% suc as t e

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calculating criminal in .aslig tingG / e filmLs t at t e (syc ological term is &ased on. It seems o&'ious enoug no* to say it% &ut o* come t ey ne'er gro$ t e contradiction in'ol'ed or a'e t e a*areness t at if you &lur t e lines often and dee(ly enoug you may *ell &ecome t e 'ery t ing you &elie'e you@re fig ting againstG 3r already *ere to &egin *it . Some (eo(le are easier targets t en ot ers. 2rom anot er (oint of 'ie* I can only laug , I@'e al*ays felt I ad a destiny as a *riter. I *as 6ust ne'er sure * at I mig t *rite a&out, anyt ing and e'eryt ing (er a(s. / ere seemed &ot too many (ossi&ilities as *ell as t at it *as al*ays a&surdly% needlessly com(licated. In t e first instance it *as my mot er, t ro* a fe* ot ers in t e mix of one5s life 7 and t ey a((ear (retty (rom(tly too 7 and &efore you $no* it% t ese fuc$ers are already (lanning your do*nfall% t ese scre*&alls are already in'enting an alternati'e timeline for you if you@re not determined enoug to stic$ to your guns andLor are too naU'e or $indly+natured to see t roug t e fa$e smiles and crocodile tears% and if you fuc$ u(% in any sense at all% o*e'er minor% you@ll ne'er ear t e end of it, t ey@ll (ounce on it and exaggerate it% lie a&out it t roug t eir o*n &itterness% to ruin your (resent and future if t ey can% * ile &laming you for t eir o*n (ast in t e (rocess. "nd t ese (eo(le are all o'er% t ey@re in e'ery sector of industry% e'ery as(ect of one5s e'eryday life, t ere@s no getting a*ay from t e narcissistic e(idemic and t eir contagion of atred% unless you a((en to &e ric % res(ected and cosseted to an extent% (rotected% (ri'ileged% and e'en t en% t at may &e as a result of &eing li$e t em% more t an one realises% (eris t e t ort. -ut mainly t ey@re &ullies% (ic$ing on (eo(le t ey see as (o*erless% t e su((osedly or actually disenfranc ised% in socio+ economic terms% unli$e t emsel'es 7 a &it of a 6o$e * en t ey a'e no real conce(tion of true emotions% affection or t e self+ destructi'eness in'ol'ed in t eir o*n atred. Hoo$ing to eac ot er% eac re(lete in t eir o*n u&ris and ignorance% t eir arrogance $no*s no &ounds% certainly on t e @ ig er@% elitist le'els. /o say t is =no touc 5 torture (rogram is glo&al mig t seem li$e a ludicrous% @extreme@ cons(iracy t eory% &ut it seems to me t at t is is to(sy+tur'y, it@s only extreme &ecause t at@s t e

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nature of t e situation and t e (eo(le one is descri&ing, t ey@re fuc$ing nuts. -y t is rec$oning% one could say #a'id Ic$e is one of t e sanest% most emotionally mature (eo(le around, in s ort% one of t e most =res(ecta&le5 (eo(le around. It@s t e e'eryday citi?en% t e congenitally (re6udiced% * o a'e contem(t and atred for t e andica((ed% t e mentally ill 7 a form of mental illness in itself% and (retty muc anyt ing and anyone t ey mig t see as =different5 at all, / ey set it u( to gi'e eac ot er all t e excuse t ey need. It@s a circuitous confidence tric$ of @e(ic@ (ro(ortions on an e'eryday le'el. / ey try and stifle any creati'ity% original t oug t% o&ser'ation in anyone t ey see or $no*% doing t e same in t eir c ildren, sc ools (ractice t e same strategies% stam(ing on any true indi'iduality t ey see% any ca(acity for real inno'ation% anot er *ay of loo$ing at t ings, t ey@re all taug t to &e left+&rain clones t roug college% uni'ersity% trained to mee$ly 6um( t roug e'ery urdle and mind+controlL&rain*as ing (rogram t at@s set for t em t roug increasing tests% $ee(ing t em on edge% in a state of uncertainty% al*ays feeling t ey a'e to &e u( to t e mar$% ade;uate in t e eyes of t e unrelenting% merciless mac ine t at rules e'ery as(ect of t eir li'es. -efore long% t ey a'e no @original@ t oug ts to s(ea$ of% if t ey e'er did. I ate'er (rogram% * ate'er inter(retationLsystem t e system tells t em t ey s ould follo*% (artici(ate in% t ey@re more t an a((y% (ositi'ely $een to do to $ee( t e tyrant a((y lest t ey &ecome t e target too if t ey e'er incur t e &east@s dis(leasure 7 and in a *orld of grou(t in$% t at means t e dis(leasure of t e rest. If you@re not for us% you@re against us% 6ust as -oy -us said. Su(erficial% emotionally sterileLflat% facile% one+dimensional creatures you *ould ne'er dream of s aring your dee(est emotions *it for t ose 'ery reasons, &ecause t ey@re inca(a&le of any real de(t . / e narcissists% t e cra?yma$ers% lo'e to get t eir (atsies into a =(ro'ing5 situation% feeling t ey@re ne'er ;uite good enoug % ne'er ;uite a&le to ma$e t emsel'es eard. <o matter o* sincere t ey may &e% o* earnest% it seems to fall continuously on deaf ears. / ey &egin to *a$e u( only * en t ey realise t e (erson t ey@re dealing *it % t e @lo'ing@ relations i(% t e

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friends i( t ey t oug t t ey ad% is not ing of t e $ind, t at t ere@s somet ing seriously a*ry *it t ese (eo(le% t at t ey@re not * at t ey seem% * at t ey ma$e t emsel'es out to &e. / en% * en someone really s(ells out t e true nature of t e situation for you% as Cer& .old&erg@s !reati'e "ggression did for me% t at@s * en it sin$s in% * en you *onder o* you could e'er a'e fallen for * at no* seems so o&'ious% o* you could ne'er a'e seen it, and * en you c allenge t em on it% call t em on t eir emotional &lac$mail and confidence tric$s% you see t at it *as al*ays atred% t at t ey a'e no real feeling for you exce(t a cool contem(t% a cold atred% t at t ey *ere stringing you along t e * ole time% conning you *it a su(erficial affection and affectation 7 as *ell as e'eryone else t ey $no*% * ile (utting you do*n &e ind your &ac$% su&tly% slyly inters(ersed *it t e strategic com(liment a&out * at an intelligent% exce(tional fello* you are, &ut &y inference% &y mixing t e negati'e *it t e =(ositi'e5% im(ly t ey a'e a *ider% more @mature@ (ers(ecti'e. -ut it5s calculated% insane% all for a destructi'e (ur(ose. / e =de'il5 7 ego 7 *as al*ays good at mixing t e trut and lies% and citing scri(ture for its o*n (ur(oses% or so I read. / at@s t e =gs5 minions and t eir -S in a nuts ell, t ey@re in (ositions of aut ority% or many are% from minor council *or$ers% t e self+ rig teous &ureaucrats and &usy&odies% to t e =fusion centres5 t at co+ordinate e'ery as(ect of t e connected arassment system% from t e city council em(loyees in t eir snoo(ing 'ans to t e strategically timed dri'e+&y@s of fire engines and am&ulances% smaller (aramedic 'e icles too% *it t eir sirens% 6ust as t ey (ass you% * et er on foot or on t e &us% or% if you dri'e% in your car. "ll designed to set your ner'es on end% startle you% sensitise and anc or% &ut most of all% im(ress t eir facile ego (o*er on you% t e mig t of / eir -ig 0ac ine% t eir tec nology% t eir im(ortance and central (lace in t e good community and &ra'e ne* *orld% t e fact t at no one% t e ma6ority of citi?ens% *ill e'er &elie'e suc a situation exists or could e'en possi$ly exist. I en t ey5re not ta$ing (art. "nd all t e * ile% it5s 6ust anot er confidence tric$ to im(ress on you t at t e illusion is real% to &uy into it% &y trying to (ro'e it

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is and =(lead your case5, al*ays *it t e (ro'ing% t e (leading, t e common garden+'ariety friendly neig &our ood socio(at s lo'e t at, it fans t e flames of t eir co'ert and o'ert sadism, t ey can torment t eir targets in (lain sig t *it im(unity% &lending into t e foreground as al*ays% mor( ing into t e seeming concatenation of e'eryday e'ents% t e noisy ustle and &ustle of any =t ro&&ing metro(olis5% t e u& and centre of t eir imaginary% delusionary *orld% omni(otent in t eir o*n minds. -ut of course Q it *ill all come out. It al*ays does. Dou@'e made some mista$es in your lifeG 2orget it. Dou *ere &roug t u( in t e old *orld% it &rain*as ed and controlled and &ro*&eat you% stifled your creati'e outlets as &est it could &ecause of its o*n insecurity% insanity and resentment% inducing im(ossi&le internal conflicts% * ere t e creati'e and t e (ersonal &ecome a (ro'er&ial tissue of im(ossi&ilities% a situation you didn@t fully realise *as engineered &y t e narcissists t emsel'es *it t eir c aracteristic im(ossi&le situations of t eir o*n de'ising% * ere e'eryt ing &ut e'eryt ing% instead of &eing t e 6oyous% s(ontaneous ex(erience it could &e% e'eryt ing &ecomes a (ro&lem% and relentlessly% ex austi'ely so. 2or t ere@s no letting u( *it t ese (eo(le% e'er focused% indirectly% snea$ily aggressi'e% * en you@re not t e reci(ient of t eir insta&ility% t eir most un(redicta&le% intentionally umiliating% indering% istrionic demoralising out&ursts time for t e most strategically em&arrassing% affecting occasions% designed to ruin an e'ening% a friends i(% a contact% an enter(rise. .od el( you if $ids are in'ol'ed% for t en t ey@ll (ractice it all on t em too% inflicting t e same co'ert aggression and destructi'e% insane agenda on t em% only you *on@t see t at until you see it for * at it is in your o*n case, t en it comes to you t at you@re an emotional &uffer &et*een t em% lessening t e emotional &lo*s% so to say% t e co'ert (at ology% t e atred underling t e @nice@ mot er 8or fat er9 (ersona, t at *it out you% you *onder * at mig t &ecome of t em% of * at misguided loser t is misguided loser mig t ta$e u( *it if you *eren@t on t e scene, t e orrendous t oug t t ere could end u( t*o of t em in collusion o'er t eir co'ertly emotionally murderous agenda% $ee(ing t e cycle going% s(litting

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t eir minds% t e emotions of t eir% t e ego5s% (rogeny in t e name of lo'e and concern% stifling t eir (ersonalities% t eir indi'iduality% secretly ating t em in e'ery fi&re of t eir &eing% utilising t eir (osition% t eir role as t e good (arent as a co'er for t e internal 'iolence suc a role &elies% $no*ing most ot ers ta$e t em at t eir o*n estimation and o* t ey (resent t emsel'es% t ese smoot % (racticed% insouciant socio(at s% &ecause% most of all% t ey feel t ey o*n t em% t at t ey can do *it t em * at t ey li$e, terminally @secular@% *orlders% ( ysicalists to t e core% o*e'er muc t ey mig t flit *it ne* agey (astimes and (reoccu(ations% a ty(ical reflection of t eir o*n s allo*ness of affect and t oug t% t ey &elie'e t ey@re t e @creators@% t at t ere is no .od of course% no @ ig er (o*er@% or else% e *ould ne'er a'e allo*ed to a((en * at a((ened to t em% and no*% t ey@re only (rotecting t eir c ildren from a cruel *orld =out t ere5, t eir control% t eir relentless &adgering% digs and slig ts+ &itc iness% in t e guise of concern% minor umiliations% teasing% is merely an ex(ression of t e =de(t 5 of t eir caring% t eir. -y t en% t ey@ll a'e &egun t e (rocess of getting rid of you% once t ey $no* unmista$a&ly you@'e seen t roug t eir front for * at it is. 2urt er% t ey@ll laug in your face o'er your ina&ility to do anyt ing a&out it% t at you can so easily &e (ortrayed as t e &ad guy% t e (aranoid% (at ological one *it an axe to grind. <ot so different t en from any target trying to ex(lain and get across t e extent of t is mindset% t is (at ology and o* it as s(read to e'ery as(ect of t eir li'es due to t eir run+ins *it t ese (eo(le. / e minions are t e same% as it 6ust so a((ens% in t at its all t e more amusing for t em% all t e more (leasura&le for t em% $no*ing t at t ere@s literally not ing you can do a&out it of any conse;uence t at *ill ma$e any difference at all, t at no one *ill &elie'e you% no one *ill e'er see t e situation for * at it is% &ecause t ey are t e situation and t e situation is t em% as is t e *orld, it isn@t or it *ouldn@t a'e to &e co'ert% &ut t ey see 6ustification for t at% e'en if t e enemy really is only t emsel'es, t ey@re one and t e same. It@s not ing to do *it me, it ne'er *as, it@s (ossi&ly a mista$e to try and (rotect someone from t emsel'es, one assumes t ey@re *ea$er t an t ey are in

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actuality, t ey foster it t emsel'es% (resenting t emsel'es as @fragile@% sensiti'e@. Just a t oug t. 0y 'ersion of a s ort Pee( S o* rant. / e sitcom of sorts. I ad only to read .old&erg@s / e <e* 0ale+2emale Relations i( to see t e (at ology in'ol'ed in most relations i(s% t e mani(ulation and emotional infantilism t at (ass for cou(led. / ey@re far stronger t an t ey ma$e t emsel'es out to &e, it5s a (osition of arrogance in any case% o*e'er un*ittingly% to t in$ anot er (erson needs you. / e (aradox is in t at t ey5re essentially *ea$% for t e ego is *ea$, or it5s only as @strong@ as *e gi'e it credit for% &y identifying *it it% &elie'ing it@s * o *e are. It@s a strange state of affairs t at t e delusion% t e (at ology% t e disorder a (ercentage t e *orld seems to &e suffering from 7 as is t e illusory P/- as * ole% not 6ust t e 1S% is a confusion in identification. / e strangest as(ect% t e dee(est (aradox if you li$e% is t at t ese are t e same (eo(le 7 t e =no cons(iracy t eorists5 7 * o *ill tell you t at t e suggestion NL11 *as an @inside 6o&@ is ridiculous% ;uite% insane, t at a cons(iracy of suc si?e *ould &e im(ossi&le% t at too many (eo(le *ould a'e to &e in'ol'ed% t at t e idea t at all t ose (eo(le could $ee( ;uiet a&out it% t at no one *ould let t e cat out of t e &ag is e;ually unli$ely% not to say a&surd. I en I *ent to see Iilliam Rodrigue? gi'e a tal$ some years &ac$ 7 e *as t e 6anitor for t e <ort /o*er of t e /*in /o*ers for t*enty years% recognised as a national ero% e sa'ed t e li'es of undreds of (eo(le &y leading t em to safety 7 e told us% is audience% t at t at e clearly eard ex(losions% detonations from &elo* in t e &asement% t is s ortly &efore t e im(act of t e first (lane, It@s inconcei'a&le to me e could a'e &een lying, I can@t t in$ of any reason for im to. Ce turned do*n a large sum of money% a million dollars or so% to ta$e (art in t e air&rus ed 'ersion of e'ents. 3t er (eo(le s(outed a lot of uninformed cra( in any case% &elie'ing * at t ey *anted to &elie'e% suc as comedian and actor #enis Heary on .lenn -ec$@s (rogramme in t e 1S% 'oicing o* sic$ and tired e *as of (eo(le *it t eir ridiculous t eories% t at e5d ad enoug of it, e (ro&a&ly meant t e NL11 /rut 0o'ement% ot ers, and *ent on

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to state t ere *ere no ex(losions. Just li$e t at. Co* *ould e $no* t at for certainG Ias e e'ery* ere at onceG / is *as on Dou /u&e. / ere *as anot er 'ideo of one fireman after anot er on t e scene% referring to earing ex(losions. Sometime after% someone s(liced Heary5s comments and t e 'ideo toget er. It@s interesting t at Heary% a comedian $no*n for is a&rasi'e% 'itriolic (ersona 7 an intensely 'iolent+minded (ersona one could say 7 e @s $no*n for t e 'iolent socio(at roles e (ortrays in films 7 *ould &e t e first to deny suc aggression could exist in t e minds of ot ers% s(ecifically is o*n go'ernment. -ut t is is ty(ical of denial and (ro6ection. I came to find is attitude condescending and fascistic for t at reason, I $no* t e &elligerent tone, it5s t e 'oice of fear% t e 'oice of t e mo&. I ic isn5t to say e isn@t funny, e most definitely is or *as, I *ent to se im at / e "ssem&ly Rooms% ere in Edin&urg *it a narcissistic female friend at t e time. In fact it *as t roug er and t e difficulties of t e in'ol'ement% t at I did more researc and came across t e term again as a (syc ological condition. Ce *as &rilliant% if &orderline xeno( o&ic% &ut foreign customs and language can &e amusing% s(ecifically t e 2renc in is case. Ce ranted on a&out smo$ing of course% mimic$ing &lo*ing t e *is(s in t e audience5s faces. " 'irtual co(y of -ill Cic$s5 act% t at (art at least. I al*ays felt -ill Cic$s got angry for t e rig t t ings, #enis Heary *as in denial of t em. / ey *ere similar as comedians on a surface le'el only. Cic$s *as t ere during t e siege in Iaco, e *as li'id a&out it t ere and came &ac$ li'id for is @act@. "gain% and t e irony is (ainful in more *ays t an one% Heary *asLis too muc @one of t e &oys@% a good (atriot% lending is name and gi'ing some of is money to good causes suc as t e firemen5s association or * ate'er it is in t e 1S. Ce did t e /4 series Rescue 0e% (laying t e (art of a firemen. Iit is a&rasi'e% mac o (ersona% e@s *ell at ome *it t e &o?os. I@'e not ing against t em or im, I5m 6ust saying e as no real insig t into t e de(t s of t e ego+mind% t e extent of its de'iousness and unconscious atred. If e did% e@d a'e learned &y no* t at anger is &ased on (ro6ection for one t ing% and furt er% t at (ro6ection and denial% and *orld domination% is t e

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name of t e game+ not ta$e suc a sim(listic% mediocre (osition, t e (osition of t e good s ee(le and ignorant masses, t e same (eo(le (artici(ating so readily in t e co'ert aggressing (rograms% * o a'e no insig t into t emsel'es% t e mac inations of t e ego and its true agenda for t em and t e *orld. Ce@s not going to go against t e grain% u(set so many (eo(le% is associates% (als% as suc a radical s ift in 'ie*(oint% of loo$ing t e situation s;uare in t e face *ould entail. -ut most of t ese o so radical comedians% actors and t e rest% tend to identify and side *it t e =&ig &oys5% sym&ols of *orldly (o*er% (oliticians% t e (ast and future Presidents% t e su((osed =mo'ers and s a$ers5. It5s o* t ey see t emsel'es too% t e cycle of self+dece(tion com(lete% a self+enclosed system. / e cogniti'e dissonance t e reality of t e situation% t at% t eir go'ernments are run &y tyrants and madmen% *ould &e too muc for t em to &ear. It@s clear t e Illuminati% t e idden @Elite@ a'e *ent for t e &ig one. It@s t e Reic stag 2ire and Pearl Car&our rolled into one and t en some. It@s t e =&iggest5% most =outrageous lie of all% ne'er to &e &elie'ed for t at 'ery reason. <o one could (ull off suc a uge cons(iracyG Cell% I@'e ne'er met any *oman * o@s ta$en (art in a (orn film% or at least one * o@s e'er admitted it, not t at it@s e'er came u(. I need to get around more. -ut I@m $no* t ey@re out t ere, t ey surely tal$ to t eir o*n% t eir associates% friends% fello* fuc$stersLfuc$ees. Ie $no* it goes on. Ie *atc t em. / e /*in /o*ers *as filmed too, t ere a((ened 6ust to &e no cameras in t e &asement% one assumes. 3r one5s t at *ere *or$ing. I@d guess tal$ing a&out t e .reat Scam is discouraged too% &ut t en t e <eo!ons already 'oiced * at t ey sa* as t e need for a ne* Pearl Car&our in / e Pro6ect 2or / e <e* "merican !entury. / ey do% a((arently% as Ic$e said% li$e to &roadcast t eir (lans in ad'ance. #oes t e fact t at it@s t ere in as good as &lac$ and * ite ma$e it all t e more un&elie'a&le% &ased on t e idea t at no one could (ossi&ly &e so &ra?en% so foolis and incautious e'enG -ut t at@s to underestimate t eir consummate arrogance% t e dou&le &luff in'ol'ed. Iould t ey &e so o&tuse as to (ut it rig t in t e *orld@s faceG Iouldn5t t at &e insulting its

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intelligenceG So it@s o&'iously @(aranoia@% an a&surd =cons(iracy t eory5. Rodrigue?@ is ardly t e only *ord on t e su&6ect% &ut it *as good enoug for many. <o* *e a'e t e insane (aradox of a glo&al go'ernment recruiting millions of (eo(le% from $ids to t e andica((ed% girls to old (eo(le to co'ertly arass targets * o@'e &een =flagged5 and (ut on secret lists% a situation directly exacer&ated &y t e e'ents of NL11 as intended% t oug it *asn@t t e cause of it, t e (lans *ere long in (lace% as *ere t e factions of minions and t e =no touc torture5 tactics% t e ea'y gaslig ting and set u(s designed &y t e *ar(ed social scientists of t e military+industrial+com(lex% mem&ers of t e "merican Psyc ological "ssociation% as I read recently. / e same (eo(le * o design t e #S0% in'enting ne* diagnoses as t ey (lease, t e (syc iatric rac$et and in and *it t e ( armaceutical rac$et 7 and e'eryt ing else in &et*een. / ey assume% in t eir u&ris% t eir arrogance% es(ecially t e fools * o carry it out% t at t eir targets are far too stu(id% o&tuse% and unintelligent to e'er (ic$ u( on suc a scenario% let alone co(e *it it and &egin to see t e co'ert agenda for * at it is. " co'er for t e o'erall criminal enter(rise and agenda% in'ol'ing c ild sex traffic$ing% c ild sacrifice% extortion% and murder% t roug secret courts and &ogus social *or$ers% enforced &y a (olice state &roug t a&out (artly t roug stealt . / is is (artly &ecause t ey li'e in t e dar$ ages (syc ologically, t ey@re dinosaurs li'ing still in t e old *orld% &e a'ing as if t e information age% t e Internet doesn@t exist% or exists only in terms of t eir c oosing and inter(retation% t at t e idden (atterns% t e co'ert agenda *ill ne'er &e discerned. <ot forgetting t eir lunatic goal of *orld domination and &eyond. It as to &e discerned e'entually% or t ey5d &e doomed along *it t e rest of us. "s muc to t e (oint% *e5d &e doomed along *it t em. Patterns% t e ans*ers% exist. It@s 6ust a matter of $no*ing t ey do. I t in$ #a'id Ic$e and ot ers are ma$ing a tremendous 6o& of unra'elling t e s enanigans. Politics *as ne'er my forte, not t at Ic$e focuses solely on (olitics. -ut e5s (utting it all toget er in a *ay no one else as t at I $no* of. Ce actually made (olitics not 6ust interesting to me% &ut com(elling% essential% or% as t e late% great Jo n Peel once ;uoted% you mig t

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not &e interested in (olitics% &ut (olitics is interested in you. / is *as *ell &efore NL11. It s ould ne'er &e forgotten t at t e ego didn5t (re'ail% as any mystic can tell you. "nd% as any (erennial *isdom ma$es clear% not least "!I0% t at *e ne'er left ea'en% and t at =t is *orld *as o'er long ago5, t e ego@s nig tmare dream% of sin% guilt% fear and deat doesn@t exist. .od ga'e t e Coly S(irit t e ans*er as soon as t e se(aration a((ened 7 seemed to a((en, it ne'er a((ed in reality, t ere5s only reality% and t is ain@t it. It@s only a matter of time% and a((lication. -ut someone in (o*er needs to c ange t e &ogus la*s% statutes% alt t e decimation of t e !onstitution. It@s only t e (eo(le *it t e (o*er% t e aut ority t at can do it. / e minions% from to( to &ottom ta$e t eir cues% t eir instructions and t eir mindset from t e im(ostors in c arge. E'eryt ing and e'eryone else is su(erfluous% ex(enda&le. It loo$s out for num&er one% as al*ays. / ey@re not going to 6eo(ardise t eir 6o&s% t eir income% t eir re(utation to defend t e no&odies at t e &ottom% t e fuc$u(s% t e =misunderstood5% t e @disenfranc ised@% t e =lost5 and =lonely5. If t ey only $ne* o* accurately t at descri&es t emsel'es% t e minionsLcommunity -org% t e (rofessional liars and self+decei'ers% t e terminally confused. I can *ell understand * y Cenry 0iller *is ed t e * ole lot of t em *ould 6ust disa((ear into t e sea. Ce *as tal$ing a&out t e 1S" of course% &ut I5m sure e@d feel t e same *ay a&out t e 1S% and it5s la(dog% t e 1). / is -S as ex(anded, it *as al*ays t e (lan. / ere@s a cull going on, fascism% t e de(o(ulation (rogram is already ere and on oin % &ut idden% co'ert% as P)# already $ne*. Ce *as a((alled &y t e <a?is, e@d &e as a((alled at t e = idden olocaust5 ta$ing (lace no*. It all comes to deat in t e end * en t at@s t e goal. I y ta$e (eo(le to concentration cam(s * en t e 'ery streets can &e turned into a &attleground% a (rison matrix * ere e'ery meaningful resource can &ecome a *ea(on of *ar% an ordeal% a means of furt er arassment and &etrayal% * et er of oneself or e'eryone you $no*G It5s an excuse for furt er sadism t roug (ro6ection. / at5s all it5s e'er &een.

2MN

Fere8s an account of the recent ),0 sighting I had. There was some real crap in Victoria +treet. There%s always the fuckwits lying in wait! waiting to pounce. I8d anticipated the "loke sitting in the car waiting to Aip out and off as soon as I came parallel! "y swivelling /uickly and walking off the pavement so that I was in front of him as soon as he stepped on the accelerator and had moved a few metres to the side to move off7 he came to a /uick halt. It was either that or hit me. I went over and peered in after him7 he looked straight ahead. ,urther on down! a red car drove up or was sitting in the road. $s I come to it! he puts the gear into reverse! drives "ackwards at speed! parks metres and metres further down. Who does this? 5o one parks like that. They needn8t worry a toss a"out --TV cameras either. There8s one at the top of the street on the left-hand side looking down. They ;ust love this intimidation9stalking9harassment in plain sight. I walk "y as I come to him. Fe8s looking very smug and pleased with himself! the hint of a smirk. 0n the way "ack to 6roughton on the "us! I could stop off "efore I got to the "ottom of >undas +treet! get along to The Theosophical +ociety for the

2N0

meeting of +hare International again. It was /uite well attended the last time I was there. The two main speakers! a couple! must have "een pleased. It8s all too predicta"ly dualistic for me! "ut as much a matter of keeping in contact with people! connections going! however unsatisfying or unlikely sometimes7 a case of trying things out. It8s also a novelty "reak in part! in that it8s on my route in getting "ack to the flat. 0h! I said that already .$ temporary reprieve of sorts! from the "attleground. That8s how I felt7 it8s how I always feel nowadays. This weird shit going on all around you! straight out of They ?ive! as I said! and everyone else unaware of it7 the fascist 6org there in their midst7 the police state! the 5W0 almost here7 that8s their purpose. 6y the time people come to see it for what it is! it will "e too late7 they won8t have to hide any more. That8s why they8re so confident and "raAen in their arrogance now! not caring whether they8re filmed 3or pretending not to4. 6y the time the :T6 come into full power! rather than ;ust the local! provincial &trickle-down8 aspect of it! however murderous! what could "e seen as potentially damning at the moment will "ecome evidence as to who the &terrorists8 clearly are! who needs to "e rounded up for &re-education8! reprogramming. They may not "e wholly in charge of all media outlets such as you tu"e and @oogle! "ut they "elieve they soon will "e! or eventually. Then they8ll decide what gets uploaded and what doesn8t! which "logs are accepta"le and which are not. Theirs is a glo"al cult! as endemic as the Thuggee were in India! and as secret and seemingly unstoppa"le. +neaky aggression is u"i/uitous. $s people say! it8s a passive-aggressive society. That will never "e routed out. To stop &gangstalking8 is as likely as "ringing an end to indirect aggression in general! or society itself as we know it7 it isn8t going to happen anytime soon. It8s pro"a"ly always "een around in one for or another. $ matter of discovery or &"ad luck8. 6utI they genuinely "elieve they8re invisi"le or as near as. The narcissists! the sneaky-aggressors always do. They lose perspective! "ecause there8s so many of them and that it8s &officially8 sanctioned! however secretively! they lapse into a sort of free-for-all orgy of overconfidence! however guarded!

2N1

convinced that "ecause targets have no credi"ility in their eyes compared to the denial of sheer force of num"ers! themselves! and through official if unspoken sanction! they forget that the camera is somewhat more neutral! &o";ective8 in that it isn8t ;ust a matter of &credi"ility8 or even of condemnation! "ut of e posing what8s going on! and how self-defeating and destructive it is overall. They also seem to assume that "y disguising the vicious "ut indirect! &su"tle8 tactics they adhere to! the end result is an ine trica"le &am"iguity8! where they "lend seamlessly into the foreground along with other people7 passers-"y etc. $side from the fact that more often than not! this isn8t the case! their guilt-"yassociation -atch BB tactics work "oth ways. &@angstalking8 e ists7 it8s happening. It will "e e posed. It already is! from my little contri"ution alone! or will "e. They demonstrate what mediocrities they are "y the simple act of putting themselves in the frame. They can claim their innocence if it came to that! "ut no one will "e entirely sure. Their view is that their &perfect8 cover is that would mean innocents get tarred with the same "rush! ergo it "lurs the issue for them too. There8s some truth in this- there would have to "e7 it8s their virtual M.0. and main cover7 "ut they8re not as invisi"le as they think7 not when many of their often silly strategies can "e anticipated well in advance on camera through patience! practice or e perience! and often through their sheer predicta"ility! hu"ris and overAealousness. They8re the clever idiots after all. It8s important to keep in mind it8s a fundamentally criminal enterprise! for which reason it8s doomed to failure. They8re stuck within a thought-system! a repeating loop they can8t see "eyond or outside of! not dissimilar to a narcissistic or &"orderline8 individual trapped within the thrall or parameters of the ego8s thought-system. To them! it8s state of the art in psychological terms7 it8s &where its at8! the last word in sophisticated psychology. They8re naLve and self-deluded. $s -W has said! he8s always "elieved that the criminal has an in"uilt mechanism of self-sa"otage! as if evolution has designed it so they8ll trip themselves up. The &do-gooders8 don8t see their "ehaviour reflects their dysfunctionality of course! "ut that8s the

2N2

nature of pro;ection. The in/uisition didn8t see themselves as terrorists either. The fundamentalists of any persuasion never do. There was only one other person at the talk this time! a young "loke. Fe was speaking to the two organisers! "ut clammed up when I came in! then spoke later! once I had. I did that partly to put him at this ease7 I was a stranger! an %unknown /uantity8. There was some focus on photographs of the &Matraiya star9s8 this time! purportedly heralding the coming of the &World Teacher8. The stars come in all shapes and siAes! often pro;ected onto the side of "uildings7 central Edin"urgh too. The first thing that came to mind is a pro;ector of course. 6ut people have seen images of the Virgin and <esus on "uildings! and on top! in the sky etc. I8m not overly sceptical7 I ;ust don8t put much truck in this Matreiya9World Teacher. It8s dualistic! as I&ve said. 6ut &different strokes for different folks8 is the attitude I have. I8m not drawn to criticise them as such! though I am concerned with ferreting out meaning! cutting through the dross or 6+ where I see it. $s Icke has said! he "elieves this World Teacher to "e a construct of the 5W0 as part of their agenda for a one-world religion! ;ust another con. It gets me off the streetsI I was feeling relieved as I say! to literally skip off the pavement and through the "ig door and into the "uilding. $ van was sitting ;ust ahead of me. I8d waited until it drove off ;ust as I came "y! predicta"ly! and with &perfect8 timing. The perfect moment to slip into the Theosophical +ociety. I got the impression they weren8t looking out for that! "ut knew they8d have their snitchscouts along my route "ack. It8s possi"le they were though. I could glance out of the large windows during the talk! into the encroaching night! see the light from the flats on the other side of the street! see people living relatively normal lives! whatever that entailed e actly! with no great sense of fore"oding or dread! any particular awareness of the &evil8 that surrounded then. Indeed! they were part of it until they saw it that way. When the talk was over I went to the upstairs toilet! ne t to the kitchen7 I could even make myself a cup of tea. +tanding having a pee in the loo! I could open the small s/uare window

2N3

and look outside right over to the "ack to 6roughton too! where I stay. $ woman walking her dog in a small lane to the left. There would "e. It was a cool! almost windless evening. $gain! the sense of internal stillness I often feel when alone and can look out into the night sky7 an increasingly rare e perience for me nowadays. $ "right star! slightly a"ove and ahead! catching my attention as I leaned against the window. Twinkle Twinkle! *iller *ane. I felt vaguely poetic! rela ed. I was pushing it a "it! "ut hadn8t "een up there too long. Then! an odd thing happened as I was still looking at the star. It seemed to suddenly "oth fade and grow. 5ow it was an e panding! "ul"ous-shaped cloudI Wth? Then there was some kind of aircraft there in the darkness! sidelights pulsing. It had appeared &out of nowhere8. It hadn8t "een there "eforeI I thought a"out this later. Was I supposed to assume it had flown into alignment at precisely the same time the cloud had appeared and e panded "ehind it? $nd In front of a star! to "oot? What was it doing in front of star anyway! when I hadn8t seen it "efore? What was a roundish! amorphous cloud doing appearing in front of a star when there was no other cloud in the vicinity? I still took what appeared! "e a plane of some kind. It moved along slowly! lights pulsing! faded into the side distance. 6ut I knew it wasn8t any sort of natural appearance. I knew that as soon as the star seemed to e pand7 that something strange was happening. #ather then keep it to myself and avoid looking like a potential fool or nutcase! I told them a"out it as soon as I was "ack downstairs. That8s me all over. It was an interesting! e citing development. $t the "ack of my mind was the thought that in other company! if there8d "een more people! someone could imply it8s pure suggestion or hallucination due to the nature of the talk and the images we8d "een shown7 or I8d simply made it up to "ring attention to myself! or am playing mind games98playing8 them for a fool! &winding them up8! am simple-minded or whateverI 6ut I knew they8d "e all right a"out it7 that I was in good company as they say. :reaching to the choir! as - would say! if you like! if not /uite. $nd anyway! I thought it was

2N4

preaching t the converted. We would likely interpret it differently. 6ut that8s not important right now. They could either "e sceptical! or take it as further evidence of the veracity of their World Teacher! or I was simply taking the piss of course! or was a "it un"alanced9prone to wild e aggeration at "est. Whatever! for whatever reason! it happened7 it took place. It didn8t automatically convert me to the Matraiya9World Teacher! that8s for sure. 0r at all. That8s the irony. I wasn8t sceptical a"out my own sighting and what I saw. I was &sceptical8 as to its origins and intent if any! as much due to the timing of it and the venue itself. I knew there must "e some kind of intent "ehind it. The timing was so o"vious! opportune I pat. If anything! it was like the &gangstalking8 minions and its nefarious agenda in reverse. That was the simplest and almost immediate interpretation7 that it was a psychological and emotional "oost of sorts7 the intention "enevolent! a sort of Fello there7 we know you8re going through a difficult time! "ut hang in there7 you8ll get through this. In a sense! that8s almost to trivialise it. I felt it was on a possi"ly higher level. In short! that even if I don8t make it! life goes on in any case! "ut in a far more profound way. I know this is only a single dimension! a fre/uency we inha"it and &life8 is "ut a dream of life. 0r were they simply from the more mediocre end of the spectrum! out to confuse and convert me to the Illuminati! even #eptilian cause? The mind wo""les! as <o 6rand once said. $s superior intelligences! they would surely know my mind! the critical! sceptical aspect. That I could never "e convinced they represented this World Teacher! even if :*> had "een seriously considering the possi"ility according to #$W in the preface to The >ream -onnection. I think :*> would come to see the error of that interpretation. I8ve "een following the galactics on =ou Tu"e on and off! that8s the thing. I find some of their messages very uplifting. They8re aware of dualism! "ut keep harking on a"out $scension. I8ll "elieve it when it happens. They said that they8ll allow themselves to "e seen with increasing fre/uency as the weeks and months go "y. They talk a"out decloaking themselves7 that it8s ;ust a matter of asking. When I listen to them! it8s almost like fiction and the

2N>

&real8 world again. These things don8t happen. =et I know this world and the individual I think I am here! is a fiction. It8s &every"ody8 else that8s deluded. I got on the Interwe" of course! looked up the galactics in general! $shtar -ommand! the @alactic ,ederation of ?ight9:lanets! "ul"ous clouds7 and there it was I They fre/uently disguise themselves as "ul"ous clouds7 the very same description I8d used for the cloud myself. They can decloak at will! apparently. 5o! I can8t "elieve I8m saying this either! "ut that8s the way of it. 6ut I8ve looked into the galactics for years on and off! since I got online. I recall a description from a few years "ack where the channelled message said they sometimes position themselves in front of stars to confuse the military9militaryindustrial-comple . I love it. I do think it was interesting! pro"a"ly significant it happened. The stalking harassment was very intense earlier. It can create a su"tle or even unconsciously an iety-stricken9panicky frame of mind! no matter how much or good you are at holding it together. It8s good to know there are strange and more powerful forces &out there8. 6eings of possi"ly greater wisdom7 actual wisdom! and not the egos facile cleverness "ent on destruction in the guise of glo"al domination! and the domination of outer space. May"e one day we8ll reach right up and destroy @od Fimself in our mi ed up childish dreams. $s for an iety! the situation is parochial! however endemic it is in glo"al terms. It8s the cult of the narcissistic "oAos. -athy8s 5aAi clowns. $s if things weren8t weird and often am"iguous as it is. &-ontroversial8 is the new normal. &=ou don8t have to "e strangeI to "e strange.8 ME+9The ,all. I wouldn8t8t have it any other way. I don8t think it8s a matter of suggesti"ility "ut of receptivity. I8m not so suggesti"le I hallucinate. 5ot yet anyway. There8s always the possi"ility it was actually a hologram! pro;ected solely for my "enefit "y the ever watchful and surreptitious :T6! tailor-made for my &"enefit8 through the constant monitoring of my interests and preoccupations. The &ultimate8 in discrediting if you like. 6ut I dou"t it. $t "est it would only confuse the issue! as would the suggestion itself. I don8t see how such a comple fake scenario could "e e ecuted either. It8s not as if it was some sort of static

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image 3as some of the photos and film of the Matriaya stars looked to me4. $side from which! I had a truly spectacular &),089numinous e perience in my teens! and that was no static image either. 6y a long shot. I think these e periences are a part of the same continuum7 that they8re different forms of the same thing. $nd that they can change their shape as they choose! tailored for the percipient! depending on age! state of mind! and circumstances7 and how the su";ect could interpret it. The implications can "e far-reaching. <ust a"out anything has to "e positive in comparison to the prison planet the &worlders8 seem to "e dead set on "ringing a"out. The former e periences have "een descri"ed as fantasy proneness. The researcher *enneth #ing wrote a couple of every interesting "ooks on it. I think it8s more a case of reality proneness7 that! like #ing! it8s a glimpse 3or har"inger as @urd;ieff might say4 of a future mind and world in the light of that mind and e perience. I know! I knowI &@angstalking8! imaginary cele" pals! ),0 e periences. I8m a cult or a catastrophe waiting to happen. Thirty years ago.

"aturday

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If you *ant to ma$e some money% don@t ro& a &an$, *rite a =ca(er5 story a&out ro&&ing a &an$ or * ate'er. I@'e tended to t in$ ca(er stories are all (layed out, t e t eme is al*ays t e same, it@s a&out getting somet ing for not ing% &ut t ere can &e amusing 'ariations on t e t eme. Ioody "llen comes to mind at least t*ice. <o* *e a'e t e &an$s ro&&ing e'ery&ody else again% ta$ing t e (iss out of small &usinesses &y t e undreds of t ousands and ma$ing millions &y re*arding t emsel'es ne'er+ ending &onuses. I at a rac$et e G Hoo$ out for <o. 1, get it * ile you can. / e more res(ecta&le t ey seem to &e% t e neater t e aircut% t e tidier t e suit and s irt and tie% t e &igger t e title% t e more t ey are a sorry excuse for a uman &eing. .et * at you can and scre* t e little guy, t is is * at (asses for res(ecta&ility% for t e ci'ilised% e'en cultured indi'idual. 2uc$ starting u( a &usiness and trying to &e onest in a *orld of fatcat co*&oys, get yourself into t e ig er ec elons of financial com(lexity, &lind t em *it &ulls it. <a % 6ust *rite a&out setting u( in &usiness and all t e (ros and cons% t e funny stories% t e laug s and t e tears% t e eart&rea$ too% and &efore you $no* it you a'e your o*n Ialtons% t oug it *as really t e sitcom% Roseanne 8-arr9 t at came to mind again% setting u( in &usiness *it er sister Jac$ie% or *as it u&&y #anG It@s all so long ago no*, t e series *as s o*n in N0 countries. <o* that's a &usiness% t at@s a successful franc ise% * ate'er. "nd t ere ne'er *as a @real@ &usiness as suc % of course, it@s all ma$e+&elie'e, *e res(ond to it as if it5s real. Stories are t e &est% man, it@s all in our eads in any caseQ !omedians telling t eir stories% t eir single one+liners% 6oin t em u(% call it an act and it is. Irite an our of material and tra'el t e *orld. Irite t*o and you5'e got a mo'ie. 3r get s(otted% land a fe* cameos, if you@re ( otogenic% talented% t e correct et nicity% you could &ecome a film star, li'ing t e dream% acting out more stories for t e dream factories. I (ictured &eing a comedian% a roc$ star% t in$ing of all t at time in &et*een 7 unless you@re a &ig name and e'ery minute of t e day is filled *it ot er (ro6ects% inter'ie*s. 3t er*ise% li$e many comedians% doing a stint at t e 2esti'al say% you@'e your one+ our s(ot% t en you a'e t e rest of

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t e day or e'ening. / ere@s a lot of ot er comedians you can meet% anecdotes to s*a(% funny stories% e'en friends i(s% lo'e affairs% (eo(le of li$e mind 7 mostly ec oing eac ot ers (reconce(tions in e'ery as(ect of life as *it any s(ecific grou(% * et er =s(iritual5 or at eist. 3t er s o*s to see too% along *it &eing on t e same &ill as ot ers ... It sound5s li$e fun. / ere5s all t at tra'el too t oug % * et er from city to city% country to country e'en. Dou could read on t e (lane I su((ose. 3r *atc some stu(id mo'ie. -ut most of t e time no*% I@d &e t in$ing of t e *riting I s ould &e doing% t e reading to $ee( u( *it % t at informs it at &est and me% $ee(ing a&reast of current de'elo(ments as &est one can% as *ell as t e istory of a gi'en su&6ect. I li$e a good gag as *ell as anyone% &ut t e notion of tra'elling from city to city to re(eat it o'er and o'er 7 and one gag is as good as anot er% t ey@re all 6ust 'ariations on a t eme any*ay% or mostly 7 seems a&surd. " little &it of &anter *it an audience mem&er or t ree% an a&ility to &e ;uic$+*itted% (re(ared% on t e often mind+num&ingly tri'ial or *ort yQ It@s more t an I could &ear% I t in$. I@d &e ta$ing t e (iss out of myself too% for (laying suc a ludicrous (art, t ey5d ne'er ;uite get it% *ouldn@t ;uite $no* * ere I *as coming from% t e comedy of self+ contem(t. / e notion t at you could turn out to &e 'ery good at somet ing% &ut no one *ill e'er ;uite $no*% &ecause you couldn5t &e arsed Q I used to assume it *as due to a&solute &as fulness% of feeling out of (lace in e'ery situation% t at I *asn@t good enoug . <o* I@m not so sure. I en I t in$ of a comedy audience% sitting t ere *it t eir fagarettes% t e comedian in a a?e of cigarette smo$e% formerly% often little more t an literally an amusement% a distraction from t eir e'eryday concerns% t e (ressure or &oredom of *or$% t eir tedious% often doomed relations i(s% t eir im(er'ious conceits% I t in$: 3 ! rist% no. 8/ en again% smo$ing isn5t allo*ed no*. -ut it *as t e same story for t e notion of doing music. -lame it on my mot er9. 3r t e only comedian *ort &eing is a -ill Cic$s% or .erry Sado*it? or "lexie Sayle% t oug e@s =retired5 no* 8Ce *ent &ac$ on t e road. 0e9, e too$ u( *riting% stories% and no'els. I still a'en@t read t em yet%

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&ut I *ill. / ere are lots of ot er good comedians of course% some great. -ut mostly% comedians are (reac ing to t e con'erted, t ey@re not seriously c allenging anyone5s (et (reconce(tions% least of all t eir o*n% o*e'er su&'ersi'e t ey mig t (resent t emsel'es as, t ey@re mostly contro'ersial% not su&'ersi'e at all, or @su&'ersi'e@ in a fundamentally conser'ati'e context% li$e #enis Heary% or Sara Sil'erman% =outrageous5 and e'en su(er+ funny as s e can &e. / ey@re no more radical t an t e (oliticians t ey c am(ion, t e same *it film stars% singers etc. / e (oliticians t ey &ac$ are mostly fools% socio(at s *it no real insig t into t eir s ado* side% or t e fact t ey5re ruled from t e s ado*s too, / eir !omedy 2ools are little &etter, t ey@ll a'e t e same mindset% uns(o$en collusion% t e same ca(acity for (assi'eLindirect aggression% e'asion% omission. In s ort% t ey@re mostly narcissists. E'eryt ing is an idea in any case. "nd most (eo(le are 6ust a rag&ag collection of ot er (eo(le@s ideas% &ased on t e (ast. / ey at least a'e a modicum of indi'iduality% of *it% inno'ation. / e rest are 6ust clones% fragmented reflections of eac ot er. -asing t eir li'es on t e cues and o(inions of ot ers. / ey floc$ to comedians to $no* * at to t in$ or say% and &e amusing a&out it% and t e comedians and t e rest &ac$ t e facile% (syc o(at ic% deluded (oliticians. <ot t em all% &ut most of t em. / e actor and sitcom star ! arlie S een is an exce(tion t at comes to mind. Ce@s ad is trou&les it seems% &ut is eart and mind seem to &e in t e rig t (lace. / e rest a'e fait in self+ decei'ers t ey don@t e'en $no* are not in control% t at t ey@re 6ust (u((ets. Suc notions are 6ust so muc cons(iracy t eory% (aranoia to t em, li$e t e (oliticians t emsel'es% t oug some of t em *ill $no* &etter, t ey a'e to. -ut mainly no*% in &et*een s o*s% I5d &e t in$ing of all t e reading I s ould &e doing as I say. Dou can only see so many famous landmar$s% &uildings% streets and (eo(le &efore you realise it@s all of a $ind% really. / at &e ind e'ery fancy ouse or @a(artment5% t ings aren@t so rosy% t at t e same corru(tion eats into e'ery ma6or city% t e same agenda% t at t ey all loo$ t e same no* or are &eginning to, t at t at@s t e idea, t at may&e t e only really im(ortant t ing is your act% your *riting% along *it your

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friends i(s% your relations i(s% not o* muc you a'e in t e &an$% t oug t at@s good to $no* too 7 if t e &an$s don@t fuc$ it u(% steal it% loc$ you out% on &e alf of t eir Illuminati masters. / e &est &usiness is * at you can re(roduce and distri&ute as *idely as (ossi&le. If you li$e% you can o(en a nice little &oo$store% second+ and% say. / at mig t suit me, I@'e met ;uite a fe* friends and ac;uaintances t roug t em. 3r% com&ine it *it music too, old 'inyl records% ta(es% !#@s etc. 8P)# *or$ed in a record s o(. Ce came &ac$ to it for t e mainstream no'el 0ary and t e .iant% a&out =a fearful young *oman5. I ga'e it a*ay to a fearful young *oman I $ne* a&out t*enty years ago. "nd t ere5s is last no'el% Radio 2ree "l&emut % (ost umously (u&lis ed% * ere a c aracter is imself% *or$ing in a music s o(9. ! arity s o(s are *ise to t is no*% ma$ing a small $illing% or *ere% some (ricing a (a(er&ac$ at alf t e retail (rice% not e'en ne*% t en a little note on it saying =If you en6oyed t is &oo$% &ring it &ac$ so ot ers can too5. Dou@re (aying alf t e (rice of t e &oo$ to rentL&orro* it. / ere aren5t enoug &oo$s to go round for ot ers to en6oyG It sa'es on t e @(ro&lem@ of finding 8or @sourcing@ 7 anyone * o uses t is term is an arse9 more. Just rent t em out in rotation% li$e a 'ideo store% t oug e'en t ey sell old stoc$. If some c arity s o(s ad t eir *ay% t ey5d ma$e it mandatory% a la*. Hi&raries are t e same, it@s all &ecome a &usiness no*. / is is t e @com(romise@ t e city councils a'e ta$en to $ee( t em going for t e (u&lic. Dou can (ay for t em. Ie@ll $ee( t e &oo$s. / e *ay some of t ese (eo(le act% narro*+minded% (etty aut oritarian &oors in crim(lene% and Carris /*eed% you@d t in$ t ey5d *ritten t e &oo$s t emsel'es. / ey &ecome (etty &ureaucrats% extensions of &ig &rot er% t eir &ig &ro council% local go'ernment loo$ing after t em% or so t ey t oug t. E'eryone ends u( @t inging@ im or erself to someone else% an outside aut ority% t en loo$ing on e'eryone else as eit er part of it% or not. If you@re not one of us% you@re inferior to us. / ey can@t all &e su(erior, t ere *ould &e no one left to &e su(erior to, * at are ot er (eo(le for &ut to com(are oneself and one5s s(ecial grou( toG Peo(le are so (at etic. / at@s one reason I li$e *riting. Dou can 6ust come rig t out and say it and ex(lain * y. 3t er talents% suc as artistic

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a&ility can demonstrate it. <ot t at I@m su(erior to t em in any o&6ecti'e sense% &ut t at t ey@re fools. -ut yea % small &usinesses% second+ and &oo$s o(s% t at $ind of t ing% t e only t ing t at mig t suit me. !omics too. I@m t e (ro'er&ial nerd. -ut &etter to *rite t e &oo$s% t e no'els% t e stories% * et er as *riter or illustrator% or e'en letterer and colourist in t e case of comics and gra( ic no'els% or re(roduce your art*or$% t roug (rints% cards% * et er at your o*n ex(ense or t roug a com(any * o *on@t ri( you off% t en ideally% distri&ute t em all o'er t e country% or nationally% internationally% * et er literally% or t roug single (oints on t e Internet. If you can &e &ot ered, if it5s e'en feasi&le no* in t ese =austere5 times. -oo$stores sell t eir &oo$s t roug t e net too of course. -ut * en it@s gone% it@s gone. -etter to *rite it% or com(ose it% * ate'er% if you can% $ee(ing t e original% unless *e5re tal$ing (aintings% a more @dis(osa&le@ or immediate medium% in t at a (ainting is an intrinsic artefact in itself. S o*s are a &it t ro*a*ay too in a sense% t oug t ey can a'e lucrati'e re'er&erations% s(ecifically comedy% &ut musicians too% concerts, t ey can &e filmed% anot er artistic (roductLartefact. In s ort% &ugger *or$ing for minimum *age for t e ric man or to ma$e im ric . / e a'erage tradesman% and t e co*&oys t at mimic t em at V>0+V100 an our is *ell a*are of o* muc ot ers are ma$ing% certainly a good deal more t an im% from t e undreds of t ousands t e doctorsL5( ysicians5 * o are $illing us ma$e% to t e (syc iatrists in collusion * o are telling us *e@re getting cra?ier% to t e (oliticians% local and &igger+*ig% and fatcat &an$sters to t e ( armaceuticals and ot er cor(orations% let alone t e soa(s t ey *atc or t eir dim *i'es do% or t e models and film stars on t e front of s o*&i? mags and our /4 and mo'ie screens% it@s an @unfair@ *orld, it@s no *onder most of t em are co*&oys loo$ing for somet ing for not ing li$e t e rest of t em, its all t ey@'e learned &ecause it5s all t ey5re taug t% from science to &usiness to t e =cult of (ersonality5% t e greed of t e military+ industrial+com(lex t ey@re recruited to ser'e% it@s still a =dog+eat+ dog5 *orld, loo$ out for num&er 1, no one else *ill. Dou5re only ere once% you li'e% you die% t ere@s not ing else% or =no one really

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$no*s5% so ma$e t e &est of it, you may as *ell =en6oy yourself5, t at means get t e most you can in t e s ortest time you can, of * at% it doesn@t really matter% t oug most commonly% o&'iously% it5s money% sex% (o*er% no matter o* small or lo*ly you are% o* illusory t at (o*er mig t &e in relation to t e (o*er furt er u( t e (yramid% itself 6ust anot er illusion% a furt ering and dee(ening of com(lexity% com(lication% confusion% (at ology. .et yourself a taxi. Hearn @/ e )no*ledge@% e'en if t at@s su&sumed for t e more nefarious (ur(oses of t e (ro6ected <I3% military+industrial+com(lex% t e co'ert *ar on t e streets% t e organised indirectLsnea$y aggression (rograms. / e same goes for e'ery &usiness% from your local su(ermar$et to your lucrati'e% organised yogaLmeditation centre, t ey@re all at it. So muc for yoga for ealt of =&ody% mind% and s(irit5. !learly it only a((lies to some. It is% in a *ord% s(ecialness. "nd =s(irit5 is su(erfluous% t e <e* "ge t*ats. "ll t ose (rofessions t at *allo*ed in murder in <a?i .ermany. / e latter *as my introduction in my late teens. " &unc of liars and im(ostors if e'er t ere *as. -ut it seems it5s t e same all o'er. It all &ecomes su&ordinate to t e @reality@% t e @ ig er cause of murder for t e greater% *ider good. / is is * at@s *ort saying, it@s t e only t ing *ort saying, t e im(ortant t ing is to try and get to t e eart of it as &est one can. E'eryt ing else% anyone else% is a *aste of time% 6ust anot er self+decei'er% ood*in$ed &y t e seeming reality of t e *orld% &y t e ego and its tric$s and games% it@s idden @dynamics@ its (ro6ections and in'erted% insane @logic@% and @reason@. / e *orld is insane, most (eo(le are &asically insane. / e most insane (art is t ey see t emsel'es as t e e(itome of sanity% of goodness% &ecause someone else tells t em so% some ot er deluded fool * o@s 6ust anot er (roduct of t e matrix% t e system of &rain*as ing% of self+dece(tion and mediocrity. )ee(ing sane in suc a *orld% of recognising it for * at it is% is an ac ie'ement in itself.

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"un&Mon 'une =#&'uly I@m *atc ing Su(erman Returns. I *atc ed a long Iestern starring ! ristian -ale and Russell !ro*e. It *as (retty ri'eting. / is film gi'es me a mild sense of *armt % !lar$ )ent getting is 6o& &ac$ at t e #aily -ugle% * ate'er. / at could 6ust as *ell &e S(ider+man. / is situation is designed to &e frustrating% im(ossi&le% irresol'a&le% &ut it5s a =great5 su&6ect for t at reason% if re(etitious, it also gi'es me all t e material I need% as far as a =(lot5 is concerned. "ll I need do is continue *it my actual life in &et*een% t e life of my mind% t e only real life% and e'en t enQ It mig t include getting tearful at t is film. Recently. 3 great% no* t ere@s some cute ast matic $id, 6ust eart&rea$ing. Hois Hane@s son% *e@'e 6ust disco'ered% or not. Des it is. I li$e *atc ing a film last t ing% * en I@m at a lo* e&&% energy+*ise. It@s t e &est time. I *asted today in a *ay, more do?ing or trying to% mulling% &rooding. <ot muc reading% &ut some: 3rdinary / understorms% &y Iilliam -oyd% * ic is great. I@m really en6oying it for t e most (art. S it% o* I *is I *ere Su(erman% flying a&o'e t e city% t e streets% as I often did in my dreams.

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Iriting% documenting my life Q li'ing li$e a ermit% a =recluse5+ a =gs target5% or a *riter. I at an a&surd role to find (laying. It5s Rise of t e Idiotocracy. Just li$e t e mo'ie. -ut yea % t ey@'e ad to $ee( idden% snea$ing% &lending into t e foreground, no different from * at t e indirectLsnea$y+aggressors a'e al*ays done. It@s un&elie'a&le t at t is as &ecome a matter of glo&al (olicy, one can@t e'en say it@s unofficial * en t e strategy is to ma$e it official% legal% &ut t roug corru(tion% set+ u(s% rigging t roug insiders% false *itnessesLminions (osing as concerned% conscientious% @innocent@ locals. It5s orses it. It may &e only a (ro6ection of t e mind% a dream% &ut t ere@s a * ole *orld out t ere. I en I do a single (ainting% t e * ole *orld gets to see it% meaning its (otential audience is 'irtually limitless% not to mention t e interest and (leasure it can gi'e to ot ers% and does gi'e. / e minions% t e =gs5% t e colluders% t e umatons% t e =<egs5% a'e no real (rogeny exce(t t eir unfortunate dum&s it $ids% as &rain*as ed as t e emotionally retarded t*on$s t at (ass for t eir (arents. Ie@re tal$ing yo&s% =neds5 and t eir ned dogs% t ugs, t is is t e le'el it5s on. I ic only goes to s o* * at I al*ays sus(ected t en came to $no*, t at t ey@re all on t e same le'el% from t e t ugs to t e doctors and la*yers% certainly t e co(s, t ey5'e al*ays &een 'iolent t ugs in uniform and increasingly so, &ut not all of t em. It@s t e same e'ery* ere. 3ne only as to loo$ at t e militarisation of t e (olice and t eir treatment of (rotesters% t e 3ccu(y mo'ement% t e rise in &rutality% t e (redatory murderous instinct t at@s aroused at t e mere sig t of t e @slo*@% t e andica((ed etc.% &eating t em to deat in t e States% cutting t eir lifelines ere% &ut a((y to use t em for t eir o*n (ur(oses% as in =gs5% t e t*isted t*er(s. I@m sure t e andica((ed% t e * eelc air+&ound% a'e little c oice. / is is ;uite a &eating Su(erman@s getting. Hex Hut er is a real s it% sta&&ing im *it a s ard of )ry(tonite. It5s only a mo'ie% it5s only a mo'ie Q "ny*ay% t ose co(s in t e 1S are (syc o(at s. It@s (erfectly o&'ious t e direction t at t e *orld is going in. / e citi?ens are as ignorant and murderous as al*ays% loo$ing for sca(egoats for t eir doomed% des(airing (at etic li'es. "ll t ey are is a reflection

30>

of t e ego@s rut less amorality% its ad erence to its goal of destruction% dissolution and decay. " c i( off t e old Illuminati &loc$ t at5s intent on t eir destruction in any case. -ut it5s * at t ey5'e &een taug t. Judgmental% self+rig teous t*at comedians aren@t muc &etter eit er. Iit t e same (assi'e+aggressi'e% emotional &inds and internal 'iolence% dissociation% t ey@re 6ust anot er as(ect of t e (ro&lem. It@s im(ortant not to &e clouded &y t e confidence tric$% t e suggestion% and t e dee( unconscious guilt *e all s are% o&scuring and exaggerating t e reality, t at t ey don@t $no* s it. / at% and life is too s ort. I@'e a lot to get done% not s(end it all on / em. E'en if my 6ournals turn out to &e t e most real of t e lot% I still *ant to (aint a &it.

Wednesday Cey% it@s Inde(endence #ay. 2at c ance e G It@s a(t t oug % in t at *e@re still seeing t e aliens as ot er (eo(le% or / ey are. It@s *orse t an e'er of course. Dou could say I@'e turned t e ta&les nicely% almost (erfectly in a *ay% or I would a'e if I ad a 'ideo camera. 3f course I@d (ro&a&ly get in s it *it t at too% / ey@d find some (retext to (ut a sto( to it in t e *ay t ey intended *it my standard camera. -ut I@m an o&stinate s it% es(ecially * en I $no* it@s all -S% * ic isn@t to say I don@t &elie'e t ey &elie'e it%

30B

t at it isn@t a nasty &usiness, t at is * y I do it% * y I@m o&stinate. -ecause I $no* t ey@re &unc of c ancers% o*e'er self+ rig teous / ey mig t feel, t at@s / eir c aracteristic, it5s t e In;uisition still% lets not forget% and / ey *ere full of cra(. So t eir guilt+tri(s aren@t a'ing ;uite t e effect t ey intended. E'ery time I go out% it@s endless gaslig ting% endless tri'ialities. It ne'er fails to confirm t at t e a'erage citi?en is a fool% a moron, utterly ood*in$ed &y t e ego% is * at I@m trying to say. 3n t e one and% I can and s ould and often do feel some com(assion for suc clueless% fearful fools. 3n t e ot er% t is as &een t e story of my life in a *ay. I@'e fore'er made excuses for (eo(le out to destroy me% ne'er ;uite ta$en in t e extent of t eir let al intent% t eir rut lessness. I@m ma$ing no more excuses for t eir self+indulgence% t in$ing I@m going to (ut u( *it it, t at@s t e difference. I (ut u( *it it &efore. 3nly% no*% t e idea is t ey don@t gi'e you any c oice% t at t ey@ll torment you till your dying day for t at@s all you deser'e% t e clueless fools. <o* t ey@ll smot er you *it tri'ialities% t e gaslig ting% in a *ord% s(ecialness. Catred t ey &elie'e to &e in a good cause. / e former is anot er *orld. I t in$ I@ll go to t e o((osite extreme from * at I a'e done and * at t ey ex(ect. I@ll ex(ose it. I y asn@t 3 got a camera and done 6ust t at% and more s(ecifically% effecti'ely% a 'ideo cameraG S e@s al*ays &een full of it% all tal$. / ey allo* t emsel'es to &e o'er* elmed% intimidated to a =lesser5 form of ex(ression and ex(osure% stic$ing to * at t ey $no*, &logs. Hots of ot ers u(load * at@s going on% &ut it@s all 'ery inconclusi'e most of t e time. 0ine a'e &een =excellent5. 3nly% it@s only &een ( otogra( s. I could5'e ad suc great routines filmed. Hudicrous street+t eatre% designed to ma$e me sound insane if I tal$ a&out it. I $no* for sure no* t at (syc iatry@s in on it% 6ust as ot er *ritersLtargets a'e said. It@s too &ig for t em% it@s glo&al, t ey@re in denial% t ey@ll &ecome targets too% are fundamentally conser'ati'e% intellectually timid% mediocre for t e most (art. It@s * y t ey do * at t ey do and * y I@d find it &oring. / in$ing of t e tri'ialities yesterday o'er some dic$ intentionally getting in t e *ay &y o(ening is 'an door% some

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(ainter and decorator 7 it *ould $ill me to a'e to do t at day in day out% &ut ey% e@s t e artist% I5m 6ust some (le& t ey@'e &een told to gang u( on 7 it occurs to me t at... I@'e forgotten * at I *as going to say. 3 yea % it all (oints to a'ing to get t e ell out. / at seemed too o&'ious. "lmost a concession to defeat. It@s really more a&out me *anting to com(lete somet ing% * et er get all my (@s on t e net% &ut really it5s a&out com(leting some *riting% al*ays as &een. E'eryt ing s rin$s in t e face of t is. It@s as uge% as =all+encom(assing5 as it is tedious% tri'ial, t at@s t e (aradox of it. I =get it5 no*% *it Ia(nic$. I mean I see o* e could descri&e t e <a?is5 (olicies% t eir &elief t at &y getting rid of t e Je*s% ot ers% t at *ould sol'e t eir (ro&lems% ma$e t e *orld% t eir country a &etter (lace% as silly. / is situation is no different% in content% if not form% t oug t e intention is t e same, it@s all murder. Det% it@s all =tri'ial5% all ludicrous. !olin Iilson a'ing to flee Hondon came to mind again,% t is after t e @scandal@ of t e t reatened orse* i((ing incident% * en is girlfriend@s fat er t reatened to do 6ust t at. I forget * at a((ened exactly. " friend of Joy@s% or sister or cousin read some of !I@s 6ournals% ideas for a no'el% too$ t e sexual sections to &e non+fiction and s(illed t e &eans% ta$ing t e 'ie* !I *as deranged or some sort of sex criminal. It *as (ossi&ly is notes for Ritual in / e #ar$% a great no'el% 6ust ama?ing in its *ay for a man of 2MLN at t e time. Ce@d already (u&lis ed / e 3utsider% t e &oo$ t at made im famous% so re(orters *ere at is doorste( to get t e scoo( on t e &ig scandal% t oug it *as a &usy&ody ac;uaintance t ey *ere a'ing dinner *it * o rus ed and rang t em+ &ut t at@s a friend. -ut t e (oint is e ad to ma$e a mo'e. Someone told im t at if e stayed in Hondon% e@d ne'er *riteL(u&lis anot er &oo$. Presuma&ly t ey meant e@d ne'er get a moment5s (eace and ;uiet. Ce said as muc imself% some* ere% or may&e I@d t oug t a&out it and it@s indistinguis a&le from a memory no*. "ny oo... Ce didn@t stic$ around to see o* it all (anned out% to see if it turned out to &e as &ad as e $ne* it could &e% and 'ery li$ely *ould. I a'e to as$ myself * at t e ell I@m doing. It@s (erfectly o&'ious certain (arties a'e no intentions of letting me lea'e. / ey feel t ey a'e me surrounded. I at else can t ey do

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&ut resort to rumours * en it loo$ed li$e I *as ta$ing t at a*ay from t emG It@s all t ey $no*, it@s * at t ey do. Set it u( so t e (erson loo$s li$e t ey@re lea'ing under a cloud of guilt or% &etter still% t ey do lea'e under a cloud of guilt% sus(icion% so rumour &ecomes em&edded in memory% from seemingly dis(arate sourced sources% concocting t is little scenario from (lace to (lace% as if you@re a fugiti'e lea'ing a trail of (ossi&le crimes &e ind you% or attem(ted% (otential crimes% t e asses. " matter of mani(ulating t e (erce(tions of ot ers% t*isting t e circumstances to suit not 6ust / eir o*n inter(retations &ut t eir o*n set+u(s, it@s 6ust anot er form of gaslig ting% and again% not 6ust similar% &ut an extension of t e (syc o(at s5 a&ility to t*ist e'ents% circumstances to suit t eir o*n inter(retations% &ring a&out t e situation% t e inter(retation t ey *ant. "nd from anot er (oint of 'ie*% I t in$: 2ine, it gi'es me somet ing to *rite a&out% all t e material I need in a *ay% for it@s all mind% or in t is case% mind games. / e Jo n Hennon song means not ing to t em. Just anot er dreamer. I@'e 6ust reminded myself of * at I meant to say earlier... a&out t e re(etitious as(ects, t is closed loo( t e umatons% t e =<egs5 are stuc$ in. / at@s t e most tiresome% tedious as(ect% &ut it@s also t e reflection of t e uman condition% t e reason *e $ee( ma$ing all t e same mista$es% or ne'er learning &y our mista$es, t oug *it in suc a system% t e *orld@s mindset% t ere@s no lee*ay for mista$es eit er, t is is a *orld (redicated on t e &elief in t e o&6ecti'e reality of sin and guilt and itsQ immo'a&ility. -ut% &efore I forget... yes% life goes on% for t e =gs5% t e minions% t e (eons% t e umatons in t eir myriad forms% t e taxi+dri'ers% t e (ar$ingL(enalty *ardens% t e firemen% t e am&ulance cre*s% t e (olice co(s% and e'ery ot er (layactor in some ma$es ift uniform and title% as *ell as t e more mundane minions% t e *illing misguided fools as al*ays% t e useful idiots% riding around on t eir &i$es li$e &lue+arsed flies% uman mac ines% su&ordinating t emsel'es to a (syc o(at ic system t at tells t em to reinforce t e reality of t eir en'ironment% identify t eir 'ery sel'es *it it% =t ing5 t emsel'es to it and t eir &icycles% t eir cars% 'ans and t e rest% ne'er realising t e * ole t ing is a

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(ro6ection% &ecause t ey *ant to see t eir sin in ot ers. I ate'er. / eir routine is t e same as t eir 6o&s% t at * y t ey ta$e to it so easily. /axi+dri'ers come and go% from generation to generation% as does e'eryone else in t is system and most (eo(le in general. / ey@re not interested in ;uestions of ( iloso( y% of real (syc ology rat er t an t e su(erficial% <HP &ased orses it and t e rest t at (asses for (syc ology% t e (syc ology of t e =*orlders5% t e ( ysicalists, t ey (refer it% de'ise it% &ecause it suits t e (ur(oses of t e ego. I@'e little dou&t many of t em &elie'e t ey@re doing good% &ut t ey@re mainly o(eless narcissists, t ey follo* t e (attern of inter(reting situations to suit t emsel'es. / roug it t ey can (ositi'ely *allo* in t eir ingrained tendency for distortion% mani(ulation% t e (leasure t ey deri'e from feeling su(erior% no matter o* de'ious t e means, in s ort% setting u( t e situation as t ey c oose% reacting to t eir o*n inter(retations. 0ost (eo(le can@t concei'e of * y anyone *ould &e li$e t is% t oug t ere5s no s ortage of (retexts% excuses% ma$es ift =reasons5. It@s a s(ecific dynamic% a *ay of &eing in t e *orld t at stems from a materialist% literalist mind+ set, a ty(ical (roduct of Iestern culture one mig t say. Sc ools% colleges% uni'ersities c urn out t ese one+dimensional clones &y t e millions no*. "s Ic$e (ointed out% narcissistic indi'iduals are re(lacing genuine inno'ators as a deli&erate% met odical (olicy. It@s 0arc of t e !lones. It@s to &e <arcissistic Psyc o(at Planet. 3dd, I al*ays $ne* it% al*ays sus(ected it, t at my ex(eriences% relations i(s e'en in (urely (ersonal terms ad a far *ider significance, t at t is *as a =(rofound5% life+negating (at ology, t at if t e *orld didn@t *a$e u( to t is% it could effecti'ely ta$e &e ta$en o'er% (ermeate e'ery as(ect of our t in$ing and existence. I felt li$e t e =cra?y5 &lo$e at t e end of In'asion of t e -ody Snatc ers. "nd no* t ey5re ere+ t e clones% t e (od (eo(le, t ey@re e'ery* ere. / ey al*ays intended to consolidate t eir delusions of (o*er% ex(and it% destroy t e (eo(le * o *ould ex(ose it and t em for * at it is% and mercilessly. / ey@re not interested in c ange at all% &ut more of t e status ;uo% until t ey control e'eryone else altoget er. In a *ay% it@s almost amusing to see * at *ill a((en. I a'e to &e

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careful a&out t at im(ulse. / ere could &e an as(ect of @at your and I die% &rot er@ 8"!I09 7 6ust an under and *ay of trying to lay t e guilt on t emQ Hoo$ * at you did to me, loo$ at * at you@'e reduced me to. -ut could you imagine if t e <a?is ad one% t e (lan t ey ad for t e 1)% t e 1S e'enG "nd * at $ind of *orld it *ould &e. Co* could anyone &e genuinely comedic% artistic% or @creati'e@ in suc a *orldG 8/ e o'erall (lan *as al*ays of t e =Elite5% t e Illuminati in any case. "ll t e detail is in Ic$e5s &oo$s% ot ers9. I feel t at no*, I see t e lac$ of a((reciation &y t ese (le&s for my talent, t e fact t ey (ut all t eir recourses into indering any (rogress I mig t ma$e% resenting it *it a small+minded 'engeance at t e same time% co'eting it as t ey try and destroy it. / ey ne'er see t e contradiction in'ol'ed, dissociation ne'er does. -ut I $ee( *riting all t e same% remar$ing on it% ex(osing t is sterile mindset and orientation for * at it is, anti+life. "gain% t e t oug t% t at if it all turns to s it% in (ersonal% collecti'e terms as it seems to &e for many+ many (eo(le feel li$e t is no*% t ere5s al*ays t e t oug t t at it *ill all colla(se under its o*n dead *eig t% t e grim satisfaction t at t ey@d &e left to t eir o*n... * atG @0ediocrity@ doesn@t co'er it. I can say it@s far more t an t at% &ut again I@m a*are of t e contem(t I feel &ordering on atred of it all no*% and * at did t e I ! ing sayG Catred is a form of su&6ecti'e in'ol'ement. I can@t *in, and I do so *ant to =*in5. / at@s my trou&le, I a'e an in'estment in t e outcome, I ta$e it all far too (ersonally myself. 3ne5s indi'iduality is a 'ery difficult t ing to let go of, *e@re all far too attac ed to it. I can ardly ex(ect them to demonstrate t at. 0ay&e I 6ust don@t feel u( to t e 6o&, t at it isn@t my res(onsi&ility in a sense, t at I can@t really see myself as a =teac er of .od5 in t e !ourse@s sense in t is situation, t at t e dis(arity is too *ide in t eir eyes% t ey5re too arrogant% o&tuse. 3ne may as *ell a Je* in a <a?i deat cam(% or e'en a some&ody Je*, it made no difference. / e t oug t of Ia(nic$ came to mind again. <o* 4ictor 2ran$l, I read Hogot era(y: 2rom #eat !am( to Existentialism * en I *as 21. / is *as *ell &efore I came across " !ourse In 0iracles% as *ell as any *ritings &y )en Ia(nic$.

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E'en t en it *as all a&out attitude, t at you may not &e a&le to c ange or affect your circumstances% &ut you can c ange your attitude to*ards t em 8or% as t e !ourse says% see$ not to c ange t e *orld &ut to c ange your mind a&out t e *orld9, t at@s t e crucial as(ect% t oug one could say not ing is crucial% truly serious% in * at is only a dream. -etter t e dream of not ta$ing it too seriously. I could (icture Ia(nic$ in a cam(% &eing free from fear% any su((osed guilt or regrets o'er t e (ast% dreams% or regrets o'er a future t at mig t ne'er &e% &ecause in trut t e (ast and future don@t really exist% only t e (resent% t e now does% t e oly instant. Ce@d a((ear again% in anot er form% to carry on Jesus5 teac ings. / at@s * at I ne'er ;uite gras(, t at none of t is is real, current circumstances, &ecause I see *riting as o&6ecti'ely real% as I5m *riting it, my t oug ts and am&itions on t e matter ma$e it all real for me too% rat er t en *riting for its o*n sa$e% from =ins(iration5% t e *is for clarity in itself. I caug t t e faintest int of t is * en I t oug t of t e scenario of 2ran$l, Ia(nic$ in a cam(% t e t oug t t at e *ould see none of it% its a((arent magnitude% t e t oug t of t e <a?is goal% t at t ey *ant t e * ole *orld to &e li$e t is and intend it to &e% t e tiresome mallea&ility and collusion of t e good citi?ens% t e =s ee(le...5 -ut t at t ey@d inter(ret t e * ole t ing in a different *ay% *ouldn5t &e in t e least s*ayed &y t e seeming reality% tragedy and des(air of t e situation% $no*ing t at it@s not ing more t an a allucination% a mere (ro6ection *it no real su&stance% $no*ing t at t e Coly S(irit is in control% t at * at seems to ta$e time is 6ust a (art of t e illusion of time t at *ill all &e ealed in time% t oug not $y time. I can see no*% t at my reading and c oices% my t in$ing% as &een intuiti'ely guided in a *ay% e'en ins(ired% to stand me in good stead no*% along *it ot ers. "nd it *as often !olin Iilson * o alerted me to t ese *riters% or 2ran$l any*ay% along *it ot ers% suc as Iilliam .lasser5s Reality / era(y t roug is &oo$ <e* Pat *ays in Psyc ology: 0aslo* and t e Post+2reudian Re'olution% * en I *as 21. "ll t e * ile% t ere *ere ot er forms of t e usual narcissistic myo(ic+minded orses it, and it@s ne'er really ended%

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for t at@s * at t ey do% all t ey $no*. / eir religion is t e (ast and (ast distortions, t e (ast t ey &lame you for is t eir o*n% t ey@re so =fuc$ed+u(5% emotionally stunted. / ey@re all li$e t is, it@s &eyond (at etic% &eyond tedious. So yes% it loo$s li$e I@ll a'e to get out. It@s 6ust too *earing on t e ner'es% as intended% and scre* t em all and t eir *ar(ed% t*isted strategies. It@s good to $no* * at your (ur(ose is% your 'ocation% e'en if it too$ t e * ole of your life to &e sure of it as *ell as a'ing s(ent most of your life doing exactly t at% *riting% &ut ne'er ;uite sure a&out it as a 'ocation e'en t oug it *as t e only t ing I e'er really felt li$e doing% or t e only t ing t at could e'er ma$e me &elie'e I mig t get a andle or e'ery ot er as(ect of life t roug it. E'eryt ing else *as some o* su&ordinate to it% o*e'er urgent it mig t feel at t e time. -ut &efore I get sidetrac$ed again% it@s im(ortant to $ee( in mind t at an @im(ortant@ (art of t e minions5 (ur(ose is to $ee( you distracted% your attention al*ays directed out*ards% 6ust li$e t emsel'es% o*e'er seemingly 6ustified t ey mig t set u( any as(ect of t at to &e. Intuition is t e =god *it in5% t e means to $ee( in touc *it .od% t roug @meditation@ or (rayer. It@s easy to ma$e t e mista$e of seeing t ese (eo(le% t e minions% t e umatons% as relati'ely innocuous% e'en $no*ing t e dire (ur(ose &e ind it, to see t em as sim(ly misguided% *ell meaning. -ut t ey a'e t eir = andlers5 * o direct t e strategies% t e day5s% t e *ee$5s arassmentLstal$ing% &ased on (ast res(onses% and t is all comes from a&o'e too% it@s all social engineering as many targets $no*, it@s all mind+control% defining and refining, (syc o(at ic% dar$% destructi'e% deluded. / e minions a'e no real conce(tion of t e goal &e ind it% t e soulless com(uter+*orld t ey@re contri&uting to &ringing a&out. I@m sure t ey see t at as ludicrous. -ut t en t ey a'e no conce(tion% no a*areness of t e ego@s unconscious *ar on .od eit er. I@m sure t ey@d see t at as 6ust as unli$ely. / oug as I understand it% t e ego isn5t e'en a*are of .od% so t at isn5t its main moti'ation. It5s real fear is in t at *e c oose against t e ego% t roug t e decision ma$er% t e (art of us t at stands outside and a&o'e t e &attleground if you li$e% outside of time and s(ace.

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Det% t at@s t e goal% to destroy .od. <ot t at it can &e done% &ut it can &e &elie'ed it can &e done% t roug dissociation. I at do t ey $no* a&out dissociationG <ot muc . I5m sure t ey see t emsel'es as emotionally mature% =toget er5% detac ed% in control. It@s disassociation. "ll t ose tric$s and games% t e intermina&le% unrelenting gaslig ting is not ing more t an a fear of lo'e% of redem(tion, t e t oug t of forgi'eness of any $ind% true forgi'eness% terrifies t em% is anat ema to t em+ if t ey can e'en concei'e of it. / ey5re t e ones * o li'e in a dream *orld% foster t e &elief t ey can ide in (lain sig t% from eac ot er% .od% and t emsel'es. / ere@s no .od or lo'e in suc a *orld% only t e *orld itself is real% and e'en if t ere *ere a .od% Ce@d surely a((ro'e% seeing all t eir sins in con'enient ot ers too% t e reci(ients for t eir failed and failing relations i(s% t e sca(egoats for t eir o*n ina&ility to lo'e% guaranteeing t eir ina&ility to 6oin% t e sense of &eing constantly alone% of al*ays needing to &e *it ot ers% &ut not ing assuaging t e constant sense of em(tiness% of (ur(oselessness. / e (ro'er&ial 'icious circle. / roug (ro6ection I@d (ro&a&ly ma$e (ro6ection a cult too% if I didn@t $no* any &etter% if I let ot ers tell me o* to t in$% if I *as less critical% more fearful% ad less =essence5% in t e .urd6ieffian sense. / ey5re &orn co*ards% ne'er ma$e mista$es &ecause t ey@re too emotionally% intellectually timid. Cy(ocrites and im(ostors one and all% t e fact t ey send $ids to do t eir dirty *or$ too% t e idea seeming to &e t at t eir 'ery (resence some o* com(ounds t e negati'e suggestion% t e suggested guilt% * en clearly its t e reflection of t eir o*n socio(at ic lac$ of em(at y% t at if you *ere really as nut? as t ey try and ma$e you out to &e% t roug t eir lies and set+u(s% t en you@d a'e sna((ed &y no*% you@d &e ta$ing it out on t e 'ery $ids t ey recruit% * o a'e no a*areness of t e de'ious y(ocrisy &e ind it% and * o t ey (ut in t e firing line% to &e% ideally% t e final stra* t at &rea$s t e camel5s &ac$% t e @final@ insult and demoralisation. " strange state of affairs as I@'e intimated% &ecause if it did a'e t e desired effect% as intended% it *ould &e catastro( ic for t ose concerned+ and li$ely often is. )ids are o&'iously fodder% *illing% necessary =sacrifices5%

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collateral% if need &e% for t e greater * ole% t e larger (ur(ose. In s ort% a means to an end. If t ey really t oug t you *ere as nut? or as dangerous as t ey ma$e (eo(le out to &e% * at are t ey doing sending $ids to do t eir dirty *or$G "dded insults to a'e you feel e'en more (o*erlessG / at@s all t e more insanely (ro'ocati'e in t at case% all t e more illogical. )ids recruited into t e same arassment% t e same targeting are (rotectedG Co* exactlyG If you@re gong to sna(% you@re going to sna(. / ey mo&ilise% tens% (ossi&ly undreds of (eo(le to gaslig t you% to disorientate and demoralise you% distort your (erce(tions t roug (rogrammes designed &y t e &est if *ar(ed minds of t e military+ industrial com(lex t roug com(lex com&inations of <HP% (syc ological *arfare o(erations *it t e (ur(ose of dri'ing targets @out of t eir minds@% &ut $no* t ey@re safe and (redicta&leG Some of us may *ell &e% &ut t at@s t eir dissociation and u&ris in a nuts ell+ if a some* at long+*inded one. / e young (eo(le are a means to an end% as dis(ensa&le% dis(osa&le as t e rest. / at@s * y t ey@re socio(at s% im(ostors. "not er *ay of (utting it is t at if t ey $ee( em( asising t e seeming reality of se(aration% t e &ody% to distort targets (erce(tions% is it so sur(rising t at some *ill ta$e on &oard t at (erce(tion to t e (at ological degree t ose *ar(ed minds a((arently *ant% t en act out in suc a state of mind% ta$ing matter into t eir o*n andsG <ot t at it can e'er &e 6ustified. -ut it5s clearly insane for anyone * o sees t emsel'es as a &ody to assume t ey5re in'ulnera&le &ecause t ey a'e t e su((ortL&ac$+ u( of t e rest * et er in t e 'icinity or no% an =omni(otent5 and =omniscient5 set u(% * en% in fact% if any target =loses t e (lot5 as intended% t ey need only =ta$e out5 one for t e (ur(ose of re'enge% * ic *ould of course &e no different from t e (syc ology of t e relentless stal$ers% seeing them as se(arate &odies% and anyone =/ ey5 utilise for t at (ur(ose% and acting on it. Thats t e insanity of it. "nd all t e * ile% doctors and (syc iatrists and t e rest *ill collude in it% ser'ing only to contri&ute to t ese =time+&om&s5% t ese tragedies =*aiting5 to a((en &y insisting on $ee(ing it idden% as do t e tens% undreds% t ousands of lunatics idden in t e 'ery communities

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t at (artici(ate in it or turn a &lind eye to it% t en are =at a loss5 * en t eir li'es and *orld turns to s it.

Thurs E'ery day I@m trying to sol'e t is and e'ery day it@s irresol'a&le. It@s set u( to &e t is *ay of course% a !atc 22 situation. Seems to me t at@s exactly * y it s ould &e ex(osed for * at it is. Cere@s t e t ing: / e idea is t at less t an no&odies li$e me a'e no credi&ility% t at no one *ill &elie'e * at I say. / eir strategy is (redicated on t e assum(tion t at I *on@t *ant to dra* attention to myself. -ut t e !atc 22 as(ect *or$s &ot *ays. If t ey try and esta&lis any credi&ility% anyt ing @concrete@ to 6ustify t eir actions% t at *ould only go on to demonstrate t at t ey areL*ere met odical% (lanned% and not 6ust a @cons(iracy t eory@ at all. E'en if (eo(le as$ ;uestions a&out any actions on my o*n (art% suc as filming t em% u(loading e'idence of co'ert stal$ing% arassment% sus(icion% *ould only &olster my case 7 as *ell as t eirs. Eac mig t &ring attention to t e ot er. -ut it@s o&'ious t e last t ing t ey *ant is ex(osure% or t ey *ouldn5t &e so under and% indirect% and snea$y a&out it. "nd it@s &een clear for a * ile no*. / ey@'e &een *ay too o'erconfident for mont s% as t eir andlers% t eir directors if you li$e% get more 'indicti'e% o'erconfident t emsel'es 7 or imself. Dou also a'e to $ee( in mind t at * en t eir strategies% lies and distortions are ex(osed% t at you5re not running as t ey ex(ected you to% *asting your time and resources% all t eir left *it is to try and $ill you. / ere@s &een a met od to my madness% &ut I a'en@t follo*ed t roug . -ut t ey must@'e &een *orried% certainly concerned * en t ey too$ t e trou&le to set me u(% $e(t my camera% t en% * en I *as out% stole t e one t at actually *or$ed. It seems o&'ious / ey *anted to see * at I got% mainly to incriminate me% &ut also * at ot er ( otogra( s I ad of t e =gs5Lt eir arassing minions. !learly t oug % t ey@re not so concerned a&out t at% as t at can 6ust &e dismissed as a coincidental (let ora of &i$es. I at I *ant to do% intended to do% is demonstrate sim(le cause

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and effect% t e sim(ler t e &etter% namely filming from t e door to t e street from t e *indo*% t en com(aring it *it o(ening t e door 7 t e front door% and / em launc ing into action% as is almost in'aria&ly t e case and as &een for mont s. It *as so &latant &efore% so o'ert% noisy 7 cars% ?ooming% screec ing in and sto((ing andLor turning out. I@d a'e ad t em rig t t ere on camera. It =*or$ed5 li$e a treat, only% I didn@t a'e a 'ideo camera% and still don@t. I did go t roug t e motions of ta$ing sna(s t oug % and sometimes actually did% &ut missed t em as often too. " 'idcam *ould &e &etter. It@s also a case of filming t em from * ere I am% not out in t e street% * en / ey are engineering all manner of =la*s5 to ma$e t at a sus(icious% @terrorist@ acti'ity, t at% orLand ;uestions a&out my su((osed mental ealt + &efore I can get it u(loaded if it@s any good. It@s o&'ious t ese (eo(le *ere (lants% t e ones t at sit around in cars, it@s all suggestion% t at t ey can start u( t eir engines any time% and t ey did% follo*ing me in t eir car, I ga'e t em @(ermission@ to c ase meO "nd 6ust * at t ey *ant% for t at@s (art of t e unt% t e intimidation. 3 o* t ey re'elled in it% t e calling t e co(s etc., t ey don@t say =co(s5% it@s al*ays @t e (olice@ *it t ese (eo(le% ( one e'er at t e ready% t e good res(ecta&le citi?ens, ty(ical narcissists% corru(t as eac ot er% all (art of t e set+u(. I@m getting off trac$. / e ot er o(tion is to 6ust go out and film t em of course% u(loading it as I go along. / at mig t &e fine for &i$es% &ut t ey mig t not do ;uite * at t ey *ould do if t ey $no* t ey@re &eing filmed or e'en t in$ t ey are. / ey actually 'anis ed for a 'ery s ort (eriod t e ot er day. / is *as * en I@d &um(ed into "lan in t e Scottis Hi&rary% t e lo*er floor of t e !entral Hi&% and *e *ent to t e <ational Hi&rary o((osite% for a coffee, is suggestion. I ad a Sna((le 7 a cold (seudo+fruit 6uice. "fter% *e *al$ed eac ot er do*n t e 0ound% * ere I@d sto((ed to see a younger Romanian artist% male. / e usual &i$es at t e 6unctions% traffic lig ts and generally all o'er t e (lace ad gone, / ey@d sto((ed t e stal$ing% cli((ing at corners% * ile e *as around% a'ing assumed I mig t &e informing im of t e situation or already ad done 7 t at could &e t e reason for t e meeting% for im to &e a *itness to it. "not er

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reason to assume t ey@re far from infalli&le% t at t ey can &e ex(osed. 3r% t ey sim(ly lost trac$ of me, &ut I dou&t t at. I at I =need5 is someone to film me% meaning t em too% and t e o&'ious arassmentLstal$ing. / ey@d a'e to see no o&'ious connection &et*een us, none at all, 6ust anot er tourist% anot er a((y sna((er. It5s o&'ious t ey $no* t ey can &e ex(osed% t at it inges on t e target &eing isolated. / at *ay t ey $no* exactly * at is or er strategies are% if any. "nd can counter t em% set t em u(. / e target &ringing anyone else in on t e act is a real @no no@% for t e (erson can ser'e as a *itness too% really scre*ing t ings u(. So t ere@s t at 7 and it *ould a'e to &e (retty discreet too if IL*e@re to get t e &est from it. I couldn5t see it *or$ing for any (eriod of time, e@d &e s(otted e'entually. 1(to*n mig t &e &etter as t ere@s more tourists% cameras. "not er (ossi&ility is a'ing more t an one (erson do it. I could confirm it *it sna(s. I a'e only one (erson in mind% at least at a time. It@s a (ity # too$ t e o(tion of fleeing. It@s (ossi&le e@s &lamed it on me% if (artly. 3r t at if e doesn@t see me% it mig t sto(. "nd * o@s to say e@s *rongG It can &e a &it of a c ic$en and egg situation% anot er !atc 22. -ut *e could5'e used it against t em% *or$ed toget er% figured somet ing out. Sus(icion and fear clouds t e 6udgment. 3ne really 6ust *ants it to go a*ay. I@m a &it of a fig ter% resourceful% not so stu(id * en I (ut my mind to it. I see o(tions, t at it could &e 6ust a matter of *or$ing to*ards t em% follo*ing t roug . I also as to ta$e into account unforeseen retaliation% nastiness% if t ese (eo(le aren@t getting t e &est of you% if you actually out*it t em. I a'e all t ese (aintings lying around, it *ould &e a (ity to lose t em or a'e t em 'andalised% ruined% destroyed. / at@s also * y it@s im(ortant I ( otogra( t em, at least a'e a record of t em. I could e'en do more as (rints% as intended. I s ould ta$e t em some* ere% store t em% &ut I tend to t in$ t at@s *ay too insecure too, t ese fuc$ers a'e access to $eys for anyt ing. I do $no* a (lace+ "!E% &ut t ey *ere getting t eir loc$ su(erglued a * ile &ac$. It cost t em V>0 eac time to sort it. !ome to t in$ on it% t at@s o* I told t em a&out =gs5. -en loo$ed it u( on t e net, Indymedia a'e a site on

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it. I en I t in$ a&out t eir o(en+minded attitude% it@s (erfectly o&'ious t e (olice and t e rest% t eir resident% corru(t (syc iatristLs are full of it% &latantly in on it. I s ould@'e stuc$ *it "!E, t ey could &e useful. "nd isn@t t at * at t e I ! ing also told meG /o ally myself *it ot ers. 0uc of t e time% t ese t*ats% t e minions% t e gs% see me% I@m on my o*n. I don@t see t at as alone as suc % &ut clearly t ey% in t eir *orld of &odies% most definitely do. "nd if it ma$es t em so ner'ous or resentful * en I@m *it someone% it *ould &e a good idea to &e *it ;uite a lot of (eo(le. 0ost% if getting *ind of t e situation *ill fall a*ay% (ro&a&ly% t roug fear% sus(icion% timidity as t e system intends. -ut I can &e more discreet% learn to $ee( my mout s ut at t e rig t time *it t e rig t (eo(le, t ose * o could el( me in ot er areas% related% or 6ust el( in general, I need all t e assistance I can get... So I need to ma$e u( my mind% sna( out of t is semi+ tor(or. It isn@t ;uite t at% &ut I let it cree( u( on me today again. I@d (romised I *ould get myself u( to see my &usiness ad'isor at last% didn@t. "gain. It@s summer% t e *eat er@s good. I s ould ma$e t e &est of it% &y getting out as intended% 6oining *riting grou(s% meeting (eo(le% demonstrating my talents. 3f course% I feel most of t em to &e so irrele'ant I tal$ myself out of it% (refer to stay in% study. I ad t e net% /*itter, it *as a full+time 6o&. Sometimes I@d lea'e it so late I *asn@t *riting anyt ing% or I@d manage a (age or t*o% if t at, not ing li$e t is lot. I@'e &een really en6oying t e Iilliam -oyd no'el too% 3rdinary / understorms, I@m (ractically li'ing it 7 it@s anot er (ers(ecti'e. / e central c aracterL(rotagonist5s situation *asLis a&solutely dire, mine is far more mundane if no less let al, t e only difference is t at t e met od of murder is more (rotracted in t e case of targeted indi'iduals, t at@s t e met od. Slo* $ill. / is ad &een going on for o'er a decade no*% on and offis . I at (isses me off is t at t e only t ing I@'e done is some (aintingLs% t oug I did seriously im(ro'e on my tec ni;ue and out(ut. In fact I@m ;uite (roud of myself t at I follo*ed t roug *it t at% under suc (ressure. I *rote a lot too% a ell of a lot% tried gi'ing myself a (syc ological o'er aul% &ut *it t e el( of t e !ourse of course% and Ia(nic$L2acim, t ey@re al*ays indis(ensa&le% t oug .od

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$no*s% I often &e a'e as if t ey *eren5t. Relying on oneself isn@t to &e recommended in suc circumstances, it ta$es a greater strengt % and clarity of moti'ation% attitude% not ma$ing t ings *orse for myself. -ut not gi'ing into it eit erQ -efore I can get itLanyt ing u(loaded. Interesting I said t at. / ings can c ange any moment. I5'e &een doing some more door (ro'ocation% ex(erimentation. / e ealt clu& 'an% ?i((ing u( t e &ac$ to come out nearer t e to( of t e road * ere I@d &e ex(ected to &e% or in sig t% "ll (art of t e =sur'eillance5Lintimidation (rocess. I did it a fe* times, t ere@s al*ays someone (o((ing out. -ut t e t ird time 7 *it ga(s of time in &et*een of course% * ile I get on *it *as ing% @coo$ing@ etc. 7 and a car comes around t e corner at normal s(eed% t is after some moments. I *asn@t sure if t ere *as going to &e any reaction, t is one came rig t do*n% rat er t an turning off% t ree or four noisy yo&s% t oug t ey $ne* to &e ;uiet% a((arently% * en t ey came ad6acent to our flats% focusing on s(otting me. <o luc$% so t ey@d *ent a*ay a &it% came &ac$ and *ent off *it a noisy flouris % a lot of laug ing etc.% t en s*er'ed left and rig t along t e em(ty street% no ot er flats to see t em for a &it. / is is * at t ey@d a'e done if I@d &een out% caug t in t e eadlig ts% so to say% t oug t ere are o(enings and lam((osts% ot er cars% &ins to &loc$ t em% (syc ologically. It@s t e )))% it@s t e #ee( Sout % <a?i .ermany all rolled into one% or getting t ere. / is * at *e@re getting, cars full of yo&s% t ugs% neds. / is is t e -S t at@s going on% t e mere ti( of t e ice&erg% t at t e (t&% t e (syc os and t e rest *ill tell you are delusions. "nd if ot ers see it% it@s a((enstance% an unrelated% isolated incident. / ey@re so full of s it. / ey@re not interested in e'idence of course% t e undreds of t ousands of re(orts from all o'er t e *orld% itself t e ti( of t e ice&erg too% I don@t dou&tQ t e 'eracity of t e (let ora of articles &y #e&ora #u(re% t e ex(ose &y 2-I * istle&lo*er /ed .underson% and -o& He'in. / ey@ll focus on you% 0r and 0iss Hess t an Aero% a*are of your lac$ of influence% cred% &y com(arison% t e officially recognised =(rofessionals5 of t e matrix% t e ( ysicalists% t e fundamentalist materialists% e'eryt ing seen in terms of &odies% of num&ers% lists%

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not true information% e'idence. / e &elief you@re on your o*n, ot er (eo(le% t e set+u(s% a'e t e necessary% con'enient *itnesses, t ey@re 6ust as @unconnected@ of course% no (un intended. / ey@re all connected, it@s all collusion% to a greater or lesser degree. -ut t is little incident *as t e (erfect exam(le again, if I@d ad a 'idcam. /*isting along t e street after dri'ing to t e side of t is &uilding * en t ey came &ac$ around again to catc me out+ &ut I *as still sitting at t e loo *indo*. / e (erfect exam(le &ecause it *or$s &ot *ays. -y *anting to catc me out at my most 'ulnera&le t ey ta$es ris$s% ex(ose t emsel'es% as do I &y (ro'o$ing it to an extent+ I@d sli((ed out t e ot er nig t% got u( to some minor misc ief *it traffic cones. Some &int rus ing to er car as I@m coming to it% and t e (isser Wdic$orator o(ening is 'an door as I come (arallel too, t eir *ay of irritating% &adgering% arassing% as *ell as letting you $no* t ey@re in on it. / ese are yer =rational5% =do*n to eart 5 no+cons(iracy t eorists+ o(eless snea$y aggressors. "gain% you@d t in$ t ey@d see t e contradiction. #issem&ling and dissociation ma$e sure t ey don@t. E'ery situation% t oug t% is com(lete in itself t ey t in$. Put t em toget er and t ey don@t matc u(. / ey@re insane% follo*ing an insane t oug t+system. <o *onder t ey@re all di'orcing% can@t $ee( relations i(s going. / ey can turn u( to *or$% s(end t eir days in some useless acti'ity for t e most (art * ile t eir (ersonal life turns to s it. "ny o*... 3 % and t is is t e retaliation I meant% t e (ossi&ility% t at it could get nastier% yo&&ier% including a neddier% cruder element. I su((ose t ey al*ays a'e t at o(tion% &ut it@s al*ays &een t ere, t e neds *it t e dogs% t ere@s a lot of t at% younger and older% e'ery day. / e streets &ecome a concentration cam(. I en it@s an out and out (olice state t ey@ll &e allo*ed to set t eir dogs on (eo(le. I can see it. / e (olice do it t emsel'es. 3&ser'ation% intuition tells me t is is t e direction it5s going in. I@d intuit t is e'en *it out 0ar$ Ric a'ing said% years &ac$% t at training dogs to attac$ (eo(le is on t e cards. "ll t is cra( 6ust &lo*s (oliticians5 r etoric out t e *indo*% t e (romise of

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(rogressL5c ange5L5 o(e5% a &etter *orld% t e s(read of @democracy@. It@s t e o((osite. #issociated (syc os * o see e'eryt ing u(side do*n including t eir o*n emotions go'ern us. Ruled &y (syc o(at s% nut6o&s. "nd anyone * o (oints it out is cra?y or a terrorist. I@ll ne'er finis at t is rate% *riting li$e a madman again * ate'er my a((roac . I *anted to add t at I could &uy a 'idcam% gi'e it to - for t e (ur(ose of filming me and t e attendant% &arnacle+li$e gs% t e uman flies on t e sly% cram(ing my style. E'en if I only used it ere% from t e flat% it5s not as if it *ould &e *asted. I@d also &een t in$ing I5d a'e to get - to &uy t e camera% gi'e im t e money% arrange t e strategy at "!E. 3n t e ot er and% if I &oug t a 'idcam and let / em $no* it &y not iding t e fact 7 t ey *atc e'eryt ing% t ey@re terminal control frea$s 7 t en t at could (ut t em on edge% not $no*ing * en I mig t use it. "nd also% t at I can film t em from t e flat. Hots of (eo(le film t em% as I say% t oug usually from t eir residence or car. I@'e ne'er seen a concerted% on t e street effort to record it &lo* &y &lo*% so to say. / ey $no* it *ould sto( till next time, t at t ey@d &e set u(% arassed &y men in co( suits and cars etc.% ot ers. / ey could &e assaulted% attac$ed% mugged. -ut I@'e seen footage% ta$en out in (u&lic% outside stores% air(orts% on su&*ays etc. Rig t in t e &lo$e5s face% ;uestioning im. =#o you en6oy * at you doG5 #id get e on is mo&ile and call t e co(s% @outraged@G <o sign of t at. Ias it suggested t e =filmer5 could &e mentally ill% dangerous% t at e s ould may&e &e confined for is o*n goodG / e difference mig t &e in my case *as t at it *as a &i$e and a *oman% * o@re seen as more 'ulnera&le 7 t oug 6ust as cul(a&le. / at *as my mista$e% if (artially. S e *ent on to get in t e &lo$e5s car% an o&'ious set u(. -ut I could5'e caug t t em out so many times% and ;uite incontro'erti&ly. I at t ey $ne* *as t at I didn@t a'e a 'idcam+ or e'en a camera at t e time% (ossi&ly. I ad a camera+ faulty. / e card *ouldn5t sli( into t e slot. I@m going to catc t em out, =all5 of t em I mean. I@ll delete t e dross% com(ile t e &est ones% esta&lis t is is ta$ing (lace

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once and for all% ego5s nig tmare dream or no. !all t eir &luff, (lay t em at t eir o*n game. -est to $ee( it as sim(le as (ossi&le% if no sim(ler t an it need &e% as Einstein said. I t in$ I@ll a'e to+ it@s sin$ing in t ey could &e intent on setting me u(% ta$ing me out% one *ay or anot er. I at can you do if t ey@re all in'ol'ed% t e !ouncil too% co(s% t e minions% su(ermar$ets% if t ere@s a * ole corru(t =underclass5 *it in e'ery city% out to destroy targetsG Is t is * y as muc as t ey seem to &e un a((y% t ey ne'er *ant you to lea'eG It@s t e same *it e'ery narcissist% exce(t for * en t ey a'e no furt er use for you. I detest t em. I y s ouldn@t grou(s% a * ole to*n% t e * ole *orld s are t e same mindsetG It@s t e matrix% t e -org% 6ust as (eo(le say. /al$ a&out sinister% tal$ a&out @slee$it@% as t e master y(ocrite% t e mum@s stu(endously immature &eau used to descri&e me to er as% in is slee$it *ay. Ce $ne* I could see rig t t roug im% t e &ot of t em% if e'entually. E'en s e descri&ed im as *ar(ed% &ut s e *as as narcy% (syc o(at ic in er *ay. I5m getting sidetrac$ed again. Des% * en I t in$ of t ose yo&s earlier% t e -S self+ rig teousness of t ese fuc$*its in t e su(ermar$et% t e idiot @community@ 7 t ey don@t $no* t e meaning of t e *ord 7 I &egin to get an in$ling of 6ust o* *ar(ed t ese (eo(le are% o* fuc$ed u( t is little s it ole area is. "nd t e di(stic$s *ant to keep me ereO /o carry on *it t e =co'ert =no touc 5 torture (rogram of course, t ey can@t get enoug of it. 3 % t e meaning and (ur(ose% t e sadistic frisson it &rings to t eir em(ty% des(airing little li'es% t e relis and &arely restrained delig t t ey &ring to t e tas$% rus ing to t eir cars and 'ans to o(en and close t e doorLs% or dri'e in or dri'e off. I@'e &een getting a lot of t at again. / ey come to a sto(% rig t &y you, it@s o&'iously more suggestion% all to add to t e stress% all (art of t e (rogram to affect your immune system% $ee( t e adrenalin flo*ing% ma$e you ill% dri'e you to t e os(ital% a% an early gra'e% as *it t e alarm across t e street ere. It *ent off t is afternoon for a fe* seconds to catc me out as I *as going out% or so t ey t oug t, only% it *as ! my next+ door neig &our. It doesn@t loo$ li$e t ey can tell * ic door is * ic % so t ey do it any*ay% stu(idly (resuming e@ll see it as

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coincidence. Ce *ont% e already $no*s it goes on. -ut o* long *ill it &e &efore e succum&s to t e glo&al (syc osis% o* ling &efore e lets imself &e suc$ed inG 3 and 6ust as ! *ent out% earlier% &efore t e yo&s% t ere *as a 'an *it &icycles on t e &ac$% * ic (assed &y at exactly t e same time. :uite ridiculous. / is is t eir *ay of laug ing at me of course% only% I adn@t *ent out% *as still at t e &at room *indo*. I didn@t e'en a'e to &e t ere% $no*ing t ey@ll do some s it% * ate'er+ gaslig ting. I tend to &e curious to see * at it is. "gain% t ese *ould@'e &een great to catc on film% t oug t ere *as 0 to sto( me from sna((ing it. -ut * at I need is to catc it in tandem *it o(ening t e front andLor main door. / at@s * y I need a 'idcam% if I need anyt ing at all. / e street+ arassment% t e close u( little street+t eatre% t e aforementioned little s$its% (eo(le ?i((ing out of flats as I a((roac % &e a'ing as if I5m in'isi&le% * en it@s o&'ious it@s timed% met odical, carrying a small dog t is time% o(ening t eir car door * en I@m almost or am (arallel% (artially &loc$ing my (at % t e intention is to irritate% constantly &adger 7 to arouse mounting anger as re(eated &adgering *ill% and as intended, t oug it doesn@t a'e to &e inter(reted t at *ay. If it@s all illusion% it as no &earing% no o&6ecti'ely real content. / ere@s no actual accumulation. I don@t &elie'e it% t ey do. I at orri&le% (etty (eo(le. 2earful fools. -ut to t em% it@s fun, t ey@re in control% on to(% trium( ant% o&6ecti'ely &etter t an t e (erson t ey@re @tric$ing@. Its real intention is to confuse% disorientate% &ut t ey@'e lost t at element of course, t e most intentionally cruel% cunning as(ect, t e essence of gaslig ting. =<e*5 to t em% at least on suc an organised scale% &ig and cle'er% t ey (resume it@s confusing to me. Dou get to see t eir emotional age * en t ey t in$ you@re t e only one to see t e co'ert% indirect aggression% or as t e mo'ie said% (eo(le can &e interesting * en t ey t in$ you@re really really stu(id+ or 6ust not as @smart@ as t em in t is case, morons. " idden camera *ould &e &etter% for t is (ur(ose any*ay. -ut 6ust o* muc film does it oldG "nd t is s it is going on

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e'ery day. / at ma$es it all t e more incontro'erti&le% or *ould% &ut do I really *ant to end u( s(ending e'ery (enny on filmG "nd I a'e to &uy film too, t ey@d o&ser'e t at, &ut again% *ould t at really &e so &ad if it sets t em on edge% ma$es t em ner'ousG -ut * ere t e ell *ould I get a idden cameraG "nd * o@s going to &uy it for meG / e *ay I see it% I s ouldn@t let t e guilt+&y+ suggestion issue confuse me% or deter me+ t e (ro6ected guilt% all t at s ado* side t ey (lay on, t e unconscious guilt. It@s Planet .uilt. / ey@re o&sessed% as fanatical as any religious fundamentalist% any cultist. "l*ays loo$ing for t e &ad guy, t ey mig t try loo$ing in a mirror It@s ne'er t em or t eir o*n. It is and it *ill &e% &ut t ey don@t t in$ of t at, or t ey use ot ers to co'er it% ma$e u( for it. I su((ose I could as$ someone at "!E if t ey@ll trac$ do*n a idden camera for me% a co'ert sur'eillance camera. I don@t e'en $no* o* muc t ey mig t cost, if it e'er occurred to me &efore% I forgot, I didn@t t in$ to loo$ on t e net, and t ere@s t e fact t at .oogle are 6ust anot er as(ect of -ig -rot er no*% anot er (art of t e 0atrix% it seems. I &et t ere@s some on sale on E&ay. "s I say% I ne'er t oug t to loo$. I still don@t a'e t e net yet% a'en@t (aid anyt ing, I@m olding on to t e money% suc as it is, "t t e moment I@'e &een s(ending it all on food, 6ust dreadful. So... 'idcam or idden cam% or * ic firstG 4idcam. It5s less ris$y% if marginally% and I can (ro&a&ly control it &etter. It *ill also &e relati'ely easy to document t is orses it% t e gaslig ting. "ll t ese (eo(le t at 6ust a((en to a((ear * en I o(en my door, it@s o&'iously &ugged% meaning t e flat or outside stairsLlanding is. / e council do t is% or a'e done. / is is * at@s going on, t e ti( of t e ice&erg, t ey get (ermission to get into your email% as do t e (olice of course% ot ers, or sim(ly do so. It@s out of control. 3r all in control as far as t ey@re concerned. "ny o&6ections% sus(icions are 6ust cons(iracy t eory% (aranoia. If you a'en@t done anyt ing... 8Dou a'e 0 to *orry a&out9. -ut t ey set (eo(le u(. Co* mig t you counter it if t ey stymie your communication *it ot ers% effecti'ely isolate you% cut you offG / ey $no* t is. It@s (art of t e agenda% t e strategies. It@s all control% snoo(ingLinfo gat ering% and murder. I ate'er suits t eir dar$ (ur(ose.

32>

Presumed guilty until demonstra&ly innocent is t eir 0.3. So if you a'en@t done anyt ing% t at@s no (rotection, If t ey e'en sus(ect you a'e% or mig t% t ey can =neutralise5 you% in one form or anot er. / eir reassurances are -S. / ey suit t eir o*n agendas% react to t eir o*n inter(retations, you@re not consulted% t ey@re not interested. / eir only interest is in * at can &e used against you, find out * at you $no*% in case it can &e used again t em+ and you. If t ey a'e t e dro( on you+ t roug in'asi'e snoo(ing% t ey can antici(ate your (lans% your routines% sc edule% set you u( accordingly. Co* can you (rotect yourself if t ey interce(t all your messages% $no* * o you tal$ to% * en you meet% * ere you go% $no* * at you &uyG If t ey don@t li$e you% if you criticise t em% t ey@ll a'e all t e information t ey need to ru& you out. It isn@t 6ust unrelenting arassment% &adgering% stal$ing, t at@s 6ust t e in t e street as(ect. / ey do t e same *it e'ery ot er as(ect of your life, your friends i(s% relations i(s% your financial contacts% (lans% (ros(ects% am&itions% (ro6ects. / ey@ll interfere *it e'eryt ing and e'eryone% and of course if t ey a'e access to your e'ery message% e'ery call 7 or can sim(ly &loc$ or redirect or delete it% you@re scre*ed. / ey can say * at t ey li$e a&out you, t ey already do. It@s * at t ey do% * at t ey@'e al*ays done. / ey5re narcissistic% socio(at ic. "ll t is and less. !ameras% if I e'en &ot er% are only one as(ect. If I can get it toget er I mean. I@'e al*ays *anted to relocate in any case. Patric$ 0oore@s on /4+ / e S$y at <ig t. =/ at Ias / e Iee$ / at Ias / e S$y at <ig t5. Ce@s old no*% (ortly% and &ald for t e most (art. I feel some affection for im% intellectually timid% narro*+minded soul t at e is. I recall from years &ac$ reading a&out re(eated &rea$+ins e *ould suffer. " s ame% really. " relati'ely armless man interested only in is o&session, S(ace. Presuma&ly t ey *ere loo$ing for ex(ensi'e e;ui(ment% telesco(es and suc li$e. / en again% t ey5d &e in is garden. "nd cas . <ot in t e garden% unless it5s &uried. Cis ome no* unsafe% a'ing im feel (o*erless% o*e'er muc a fixture e *as and is, a national treasure and all t at stuffLguff. -ut t at@s t e (ro&lem *it success or notoriety, (eo(le aren@t left alone. Cey% t is to*n%

32B

0asonicL5Illuminati central5% as decided to destroy me% or certain corru(t elements a'e% and t ey a'e t e minions under t eir t um&. Co* exciting. I feel li$e I5m in a S2 story or mo'ie. I at to doG Ex(ose and relocate. In t at order. / at *ay% t eir set+u(s a'e no su&stance, * y else *ould t ey a'e to resort to t em. / ey li'e in t e (ast, it@s all a&out t em. / ey s ould (iss off% get on *it t eir li'es% t e time+*asting t*ats. / at@s t e t ing a&out t e minions% t e stal$ers% t e arassers, t ey5re so self+rig teous t ey a'e no sense of irony% o* ridiculous t eir silly% myo(ic+minded little s$its are% t eir asinine% (etty little mimic$ing. <arcissists5 mimic% (syc o(at s mimic% t e Predator of t e mo'ie% mimic$ed% &lending into its surroundings. "nd recall t e climax. I at are youG it re(eats &ac$ to &ig "rnieL5#utc 5. It doesn@t $no*. <eit er do t ey. So t e ego ma$es it u(.

I@'e forgotten to ( otogra( t e rest of my (aintings as intended. I@m good at t at% a case of fluctuating moti'ations and (reoccu(ations. "nd distraction. I@ll get an idea% get on a roll *it *riting% or 6ust try and *rite a lot% as recently% and t at forces any sense of urgency out of t e *indo* * ere art% (ainting is concerned. It@s not &een (ractical. -ut t en I *ouldn5t a'e *ritten * at I a'e. I go out% I get annoyed% distracted% do t is

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and t at% go furt er afield t an intended if I a'e a daysa'er for t e &us% *aste time+ I s(ent a alf+ our listening to a (ersona&le if mostly &oring security &lo$e at 0orrisons one e'ening% and &y t e time I get &ac$% I@m $nac$ered% 6ust *ant to relax% (ut my feet do*n% u(% * ate'er% read% listen to some 0arc Riley andLor .ideon !oe orLand *atc /4% a film% comedy% documentary% * ate'er interests me% not a'e to get u( again and slog a*ay... It ne'er used to &e li$e t is. I remem&er t e &ad old days% out all day% selling if it *as t e 2esti'al% or 6ust out and a&out% t en getting &ac$% setting u( for some (ainting or (utting toget er a &unc of (rints% e'en staying u( alf t e nig t sometimes if I could% or t*o nig ts in a ro*% all *or$ one time% and *e@re not tal$ing drugs ere% some andy cocaine to $ee( me alert a la -o*ie for a day or t ree. Ca((y da?e. I@m carrying more *eig t around no*% too muc really. I do s;uats e'ery day% some (us + u(s if I@m u( to it. I@m &etter at t e s;uats no*% &ut * en I tried (us u(s I felt li$e I *eig ed a ton. 0ay&e% as in (er a(s% it@s (syc ological. I could only do t ree or four% and e'en t en t ey *eren@t (ro(er ones% 6ust me at an angle% arms on one arm of t e settee. " fe* days later and I@m u( to ten. -efore t e s;uats I *as feeling 'ery stiff * en *al$ing u( ill% 6ust around t e corner% so to say. It made me feel de(ressed% or a int of demoralisation is more accurate% t is * ole situation% feeling old and out of condition% =(ast it5% t at I@d =let myself go5% all t at stuff. Dou get t e (icture% and I a'e% in almost e'ery sense. -ut t at@s t e residue of am&ition tal$ing% t e contrast &et*een it and t e actuality: 0y 2at -art (resent 8/ e Sim(sons9. "ll my ac ie'ement is mental% no (un intended. It@s all in t e mind% and I don@t mean I@m a legend in my o*n lunc time. / e &ody is 0. If !I% say% came u( against t e =gs5 or any gang of yo&s% e@d loo$ a fool% li$e -eet o'en s*is ing is cane at some $ids tormenting im% as in Immortal -elo'ed. / e $ids are ignorant of course% li$e t e minions% t e umatons, t ey@'e no conce(tion of t e magnitude% t e grandeur of is talent% is genius t at can only &e ex(ressed t roug t e mind% music% in t e same or similar *ay t at !I is a literary giant% to say t e least% a man of great cultural &readt and learning% a determined and original mind% of interest

32M

to millions% a source of delig t% fascination and ins(iration at is &est. Ce certainly *as for me and still is. I read some of " !riminal Cistory of 0an$ind again recently% and intend to get &ac$ to it. I didn@t *ant to &e too sidetrac$ed into lots of reading * en I *anted to do lots of *riting &ut I sa* it *as (retty crucial from t e getgo again, t e &oo$ contains muc of t e clarification I needed for some of t e references I touc ed on% relying on faulty memory. I@m t in$ing of a taxi earlier% s ooting out of t e entrance to t e car*as a fe* yards a*ay% t is s ortly after I@d o(enedLclosed t e front door, I@d &e ex(ected to &e t ere% or I could &e% e'en if t ey $no* I $no*, I do actually a'e to go out too sometimes. / ey don@t (ee( t eir orn, it@s *ell =out of order5+intentional of course% as is t e non+communication% carrying on% (retending t ey a'en@t seen you or didn@t till after% * en you5'e antici(ated it &y sto((ing% 6ust in case. / e almost indiscerni&le little smir$ t ey do as t ey (ass% $no*ing you caug t t em out, it5s all t ey a'e. Dou can@t say: * at a&out your horn% (alG Dou can% &ut you don5t get a c ance to say t at. / ey@d as li$ely say I didn@t ear it or (rofess (u??lement to a (erfectly straig tfor*ard ;uery+ more gaslig ting. 3ne day I5m going to intentionally slam into t em as I could5'e done *it t e *iseacre on t e ot er side of t e street% starting u( and coming around in a cur'e at me% t e t*isted fart$noc$er% 6utting out is t um& *it a &ig grin on is face% t is 6ust outside% &efore t e car*as . I really seem to a'e (issed t em off, t at *as is message% if indirect% moc$ing. !learly t ey li$e to s(read t e ne*sQ Sometime &efore% a taxi% *it in t e car*as % starting u( its engine as I (ass% &ut yards a*ay. / e engine t ing is multi+(ur(ose% &ut it@s first and foremost a message, t at t ey@re ostile, t at t ey5'e 6oined in / e .ame. / is *as relati'ely early days, it escalated from t ere% *it some extra =(ro'ocation5 of my o*n% t is included, you5re not su((osed to s o* any initiati'e% =s(irit5% in t e face of t e 6ac$&oot. " relati'e free+for+all in Ior$s central% t e (etty% 'enal% small+minded could loo$ for a (retext% any% to start it u( again% lie% exaggerate% * ate'er. I5d sna((ed &ac$ &y stic$ing out my t um&% ;uic$ as a flas , e didn@t see t e funny side at all%

32N

(redicta&ly% &e a'ing li$e t e (ro'er&ial innocent% a ='ictim5% a &orn (syc o(at . Ce *as outraged% furious. Ce dro'e out% sto((ed% to (ut me on edge 7 t e (a'ement t ing. I@d sto((ed too% *ent into my moc$ free?e (ose% let im go &y. " (ri'ate ca& crosses my (at % not including t e &lac$ ca&s. I@d gi'en t e (ri'ate lot t e t um& too% * en t ey tried t e sync ronistic -S. I@'e ad years of t is% * ic is * y it@s so (at etic no*% suc as t e *omanLen rus ing to er car. -ut t e intention is as muc to &adger% *ear you do*n. If you@re constantly on edge% irritatedLfurious% it *ill affect your immune systemLconstitution, E'en t e (le&s $no* t is or are 'aguely a*are of it. In s ort% it@s all attem(ted murder, t e slo* $ill. It *on@t% &ut t at doesn@t excuse it. I a'e to slee(% I@ll carry on tomorro*% &ut t en I@m su((osed to get (rints and (aintings mounted% as today. I really a'e to decide. It@s silly not to% as t ey@re all done for t e most (art. I a'e (aintings% and (rintsO I a'e a mont to ma$e t e &est of it% e'en do craft fairs. Het@s see o* t e minions deal *it a'ing to face my une;ui'ocal talent% o*e'er small time. / ey a'en@t ad muc e'idence of t at. "s if t ey care. It5s all form o'er content *it t em. I a'en@t (us ed it in t eir face t e *ay t ey (us t e &i$es and t e rest. I noticed t at a&out t em * en I *as on t e 0ound t e ot er *ee$ for t e one afternoon. I only e'er sa* one &i$e and I t in$ t at *as someone - t e ( otogra( er $ne*. So * at@s t e story% no &i$es along t e 0oundG #o t ey ate to a'e to go &y my (aintings% reminding t em t ey@re 6ust dor$s% no&odies (assing on &i$es% * ile I5m in my artist role% o*e'er um&leG I did get -S *it a dog% one of countless occurrences no*, an older cou(le crossing my (at on t e *ay to t e loo% some distance a*ay, t e gallery *as s ut. I sto((ed% stuc$ out my camera% (ointed a*ay from t em% &ut $e(t my eye on them. / ey loo$ed of course% a'ing assumed I@d &e loo$ing t roug t e lens. / e &lo$e tried to co'er it &y offering u( some *affle% a needless suggestionL;uery as to * et er t ey *ere affecting my s ot or concentration, an o&'ious gi'ea*ay. I left it *it E<o% I sim(ly $ne* you@d loo$%F *al$ed off. I en I got &ac$% t e cou(le ad mo'ed into 'ie* again% only% &y t e *al$*ay to t e main (at % at

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t e &eginning of t e railingsLdis(lay area. "nc oring. I@d a'e a((ily tossed t em o'er t e edge t at o'erloo$s t e .ardens &elo*, ma$ing me no &etter t an t em. I@d &arely turned t e corner on to t e *al$*ay &y t e railings% loo$ing o'er at ( otos of Edin&urg * en I alf+sa* someone &e ind me% a fuc$ing 6ogger% loo$ing to startled me as s e ?i((ed &y. ="nc oring5 again. I ran along *it er a fe* yards &efore s e sto((ed frustrated% as I sto((ed too% tried running again% &ut I *as too ;uic$% alert% so s e sto((ed to *al$. I yG -ecause I@d &roug t attention to it and er of course% s(oiled it. 3 and I@d ta((ed - on t e s oulder in (assing% s outed is name% my first greeting of t e year. / ey@re not su((osed to notice er. I am% and only me. / e more I can t *art it% t e more untena&le it is for re(eating. Sim(ler to recruit e'eryone t ey can. / e 0ound is a more restricti'e s(ace as far as strategies go, t eirs, t ey@re more ex(osed% o&'ious% or are% if I &ring attention to it% ig lig t it. I (ointed out a * ole &unc of t eir gs -S as I got 2% a Romanian artist do*n t e road. Ce *asn@t &uying it at all of course, is *orld'ie*% t e common stand(oint% couldn@t deal *it it. I s ould &e less &lasT% more cautious. I@m not really &lasT of course% I 6ust coac it in some umour, it@s a &itter% t*isted (ill to s*allo*. "nd I a'en@t e'en mentioned t e =/I5 cardigan I @designed@. S it.

%riday&"at 'uly -ut it didn5t ta$e long to =con'ince5 im% t oug (eo(le can &e 6ust as cagey a&out admitting t at, t ey seem to instincti'ely $no* o* =am&iguous5 it can &e% t at t ey mig t *ant to $ee( an =out5. !all it t e insanity clause. 2rom t e stal$ers and instigators (oint of 'ie* 7 and sim(ly a (oint of 'ie* it all it is 7 it ma$es no difference. It5s going to affect e'ery interaction t roug sim(le negati'e association. / e In;uisition claims your life, or * at t ey &elie'e is life. It@s still 2riday for me. It@s 0:11am. I@m listening to Stuart 0aconie@s 2rea$ier Aone. "(t. 3r is it a((ositeG It *as some* at of an unsatisfying day today. I $ne* I *as (ro&a&ly lea'ing it too

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late &y t e time I got u(% &ut I read some more Iilliam -oyd any*ay. I@d run out of credit for electric, it carries on for t e rest of t e e'ening until N am t e follo*ing morning% t is morning. I didn@t e'en ear t e *arning (i(s, I ad t e sitting+room door closed, letters flo((ing on to t e floor tend to distur& me% or do lately% *it all t e s it going on% circumscri&ed as it is. I regret getting t at (ay+as+you+go meter installed. I did it after I@d send a fe* undred ;uid to a gs target. I couldn@t afford it% and s e turned out to &e a (assi'e+aggressi'e narcissistic t*at erself% so clearly *e@re tal$ing mirror+imaging ere% an unsettling% distur&ing t oug t. S e *as as 'icious+minded% sly as er tormenters are. Predicta&ly s e sees erself as t e eternal 'ictim% a 'ery s(ecial 'ictim and target% an =old lag5 of sorts. It@s a 'ery exclusi'e clu& of sorts too% &y er criteria% a'ing set erself u( as an unofficial gate$ee(er too. S e@s (retty @secular@% a =*orlder5 in outloo$ erself% scorning t e meta( ysical for t e most (art% &ut it cre(t in *it t e influence of yours truly% a (art of er $no*ing s e mig t need a *ider (ers(ecti'e to sur'i'e% to ang on to erself if you li$e% * ile t e ot er (resents itself as ard+ &itten% unsentimental% rut less e'en+ denying a (art of er umanity in t e (rocess. It@s a tedious story% &ut s e can certainly *rite. I found er almost ;uite exotic at first *it all er tal$ of alters and triggers until it &ecame clear s e@s too unsta&le% unrelia&le emotionally. S e can also con'eniently &lame t at on er circumstances% and does. It@s all a &it one+dimensional% lac$ing insig t into erself% an ina&ility to laug at erself. 3ne could say t at mig t &e unnecessary under t e circumstances% &ut umour is a lifesa'er too% as *ell as demonstrating t e a&ility to loo$ at a situation from a *ider% modest (ers(ecti'e. I en s e is funny it tends to &e at t e ex(ense of ot ers% dri((ing *it sarcasm. I li$e t at too t oug , it@s only uman. -ut I li$e and admire t e a&ility to &e self+effacing. It denotes sanity% $indness, t at t ere@s somet ing &igger t an t is *orld and our ex(erience% and it5s not t e <I3 and its minions. "ny*ay% I@m stuc$ *it t is (ay meter no*. It could a'e its ad'antages. I en I *ent out% e'eryt ing *as off. / is means if some snoo(erstal$er t*on$ comes in * en I@m out% tries farting

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around% e'en turning on my com(uter% *ell% it *on@t. It meant t e fridge *as off too% &ut it retains t e cold for a * ile% in t e same *ay a flas$ retains eat &ut (ro&a&ly not really, does a flas$ retain cold tooG Hi$e a *ine coolerG I@m t ic$% me. I5ll as$ ! tomorro* nig t% 6ust for my o*n &enefit. I can afford neit er a cooler nor *ine &ut I a'e t e fridge. I can afford *ine% I 6ust (refer to &uy &oo$s I can@t afford and rarely read% or ta$e mont s% years to get around to it. Ironic really% o* *e all a'e suc se(arate goals% agendas. /o t e minions% t e umatons% only &odies% t e *orld is o&6ecti'ely real, ideas are &asically irrele'ant. -oo$s are (ro&a&ly 6ust t ings% li$e certain (eo(le are t ings% or no &etter t an t ings% to &e =t inged5% una*are t ey t ing t emsel'es in t e (rocess, t at * ate'er t ey identify *it % t at@s o* t ey see t emsel'es. I@m sure some of t em read% &ut in a 'ery utilitarian *ay, it *ill &e to*ards a =(ragmatic5 goal% some useless% facile degree 7 or 'eCicle maintenance. If t ey read for (leasure% suc as it is% I (icture some mediocre fantasy cra(% 'ideo games. I@'e no idea really. It *ould &e @interesting@ to find out. -ut t ey really are ood*in$ed &y t e seeming reality of t e *orld% a&solutely clueless. / is as come to mind% t in$ing a&out t e reddis car t at came u( &y me t is afternoonLtea+time% not far from ere 7 Rodney Street. Sometimes% rat er t an 6ust carry on *al$ing 7 I *as coming to a road% t at@s t e alert 7 I 6ust sto(% turn around% &rea$ t e flo*% t e (redicta&le and (redicted follo* on% and I $no* t e reddis car is going to come in% sto(. It@s all 'ery tri'ial, I@d &e a ead% (ossi&ly ear it% turn% @&am&oo?led@% *ondering% gaslig ted again% or t at@s t e idea% only% I *asn@t and didn@t, I leaned against t e *all% *atc ed er. S e carried on yammering into a mo&ile+( one% or (retending to% t e a((y% com(lacent% (ony+tailed @tec no+gee$@% sitting (rotected in er &ig car 7 a((y as a (ig in s it surrounded &y er toys and er (als in atred. "nd I *ant to say% ey% it@s all 6ust a dream% a (ro6ection% you@re a t*at% a (at etic% fearful little girl% sitting t ere t in$ing you5re so ig and mig ty% seeing * ate'er it is you don5t see in yourself in ot ers you5re told to see. I ate'er. Just &efore t is% on t e ot er side of t e &loc$% around t e corner% a younger &lo$e on a ladder, I catc im do t e

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c aracteristic ;uic$ loo$% =cloc$ing5 me to c ec$ my (osition. I $no* e@s going to come do*n% &loc$ me% or come do*n 6ust after I (ass% t e same old tired% 'a(id routines, so I sto( as I get to im% stand side*ays% turn% loo$% and e greets me% in a ;uite friendly *ay as it a((ens. 0ay&e e still t in$s it@s coincidence% &ut it@s more li$ely t e (syc o(at ic element en6oying $no*ing it connected *it its target% im(acted it emotionally% letting you $no* t ey@re in on it% a (art of t e @ uge@ matrix% t e cons(iracy t at no one *ill e'er &elie'e, o t e fun% conceited, com(lacent% deluded. Ce did get off t e ladder &y t e *ay% to do * ate'er e *as doing. E"re *e doneGF I say% matter+of+factly% and go &y im. "not er cou(le of t em around t e corner &y t e &ar&ers% older, one@s a =ginger5. Ce must a'e missed t e !artman e(isode of Sout Par$. Ce *ouldn@t get it. / is is @/ eir@ idea of umour. Ce loo$s at me as I a((roac % rat er t an getting on *it is $iddie+ (ainting or * ate'er it is e@s (retending to &e doing. I sto( as I come to is ladder% turn my &ac$% c ec$ out t e &i$es% ta$e a sna( or t*o of t e street% *al$ around t e corner, a reddis car dri'es in. I linger% *al$ &ac$ instead of for*ard% loo$ in t e *ine s o( *indo*% forget to c ec$ t e reflection as I often do *it t e small gallery across t e *ay% &y t e main 6unction% *al$ around to t e t*er(s on t e ladders% sto( &elo* again, e *as already coming do*n% t e crus ing &oor. / is is my idea of 6o$e. H3H. Dou a'e no idea o* many times I@'e antici(ated t is% sto((ing dead as cars and 'an come in &e ind me to sto( and get out% and I@m &loc$ing t em% = a'en@t seen t em5 at all% in t e same *ay t ey ne'er ;uite seem to see me% t oug t ere@s almost al*ays t at tell+tale little glance to see * ere I am. / e idea *as t at t ey came out &e ind me or slig tly in front, it@s all intended to confuse% $ee( you guessing% and disorientate you. It@s also 'ery tedious to descri&e% it@s so re(etitious% for * ic reason I@'e mostly (ut off saying muc a&out it. Some (eo(le% =/Is5% recommend $ee(ing a log of t ese e'ents% * en and * ere% &ut life is too surely too s ort, I@d &e s(ending all my time on it. I tend to feel t at $ee(ing a *ider (ers(ecti'e is more im(ortant, I@m sure I@m correct. -ut t ere@s al*ays t e (ossi&ility of it all

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seeming too a&stract% not to say unli$ely% all t e more so for t at reason. "nd I@m tal$ing a&out a section of street only a fe* yards longO I@m surrounded &y t ese scre*&alls. Ias it after I left t e &lo$es at t e ladder t e second time% or 6ust &efore t e reddis car came along% t at some &int (assed *it er dogG / e details don@t matter 7 in reality none of t em do. EI o let t e dogs outGF I said. S e smiled a com(lacent not ing can touc me &ut old age and deat and t e fear of ell and .od smile% (ro&a&ly not (ic$ing u( on t e =su&tle5 insult im(lied. !le'er me. Sim(le &ut effecti'e. / e funniest (art is t ey re(ort e'eryt ing &ac$ to t eir ca(oLs. 0ay&e t e (enny dro((ed t en% t en. -i$es are (assing from &e ind, t e ot er *ay too, someone is t ere to *al$ &y *it a &i$e 7 I@'e forgotten * at I said% if anyt ing. I (ro&a&ly ( otogra( ed im, e 'anis ed. -e ind im% a cou(le of younger &lo$es% $ids really% standing on t e ot er side of t e road% 6ust off t e (a'ement and corner% follo*ing t e dictats of t eir deluded tin(ot t*on$s% *it &i$e% as I *al$ to*ards t em as t ey tal$% I say: E/rying to tell me somet ing% !inderfellaGF 3&'iously I5m =(re(ared5% li$e a (racticed comedian today% and earlier. I only need a fe* sim(le lines% a @come&ac$@. It says I@m not confused% I =$no* t e score5% I@m not an idiot. / ey loo$ at me li$e I@m nut? of course% or not ;uite, t ey@re @&lan$@, t at@s all (art of t e gaslig ting too. EI atFG t e c u&&y dar$+ aired one as$s. Scintillating. .ags% come&ac$s aren5t in t eir remit. / ey don@t need to. It@s all (ositioning% anc oring% =t inging5. 2ools. / is is all lin$ed% mont +to+mont % *ee$+to+*ee$% day+to+ day% and moment+to+moment if t ey can. / ey utilise e'ery com&ination t ey can, t is is / eir t*isted @science@. -ut linearly% furt er u( t e road a &it% until I come (arallel *it t e road t at leads to Scotland Street% yes% that SS% a car comes do*n t e side street on t e o((osite side &y t e regal% ex(ensi'e flats% and into t e nearside street% does a customary 1+turn+ and ;uite aggressi'ely. / is is as staged% timed as t e rest. 1sually it5s &i$es% intersecting% t e reinforcement of t e anc oring% sensitisation% suggestion% as is t e 1+turns 7 I get it as soon as I lea'e t e flat or *atc from t e *indo* and loo$ u( t e street 7 or t ere@s a &i$e 8E#id you steal my &i$eGOF9.

33>

/ e ot er day+ or *ee$% I@m *al$ing u( t e same *ay and a &lo$e crosses t e street coming to*ards me% t e (redicta&le red to(. / e natural reaction% t e ex(ected one% is for me to loo$% antici(ating im% fall slig tly &e ind% or let im a ead: I do neit er, I $ee( *al$ing as if e isn@t t ere% so t at *e@re (arallel, Ce tries% almost im(erce(ti&ly% to &rea$ is ste(% our ste(% so to s(ea$% &ut I@m stic$ing to im li$e a &arnacle. "gain% t e idea seems to &e t at I@m t e dum&% unsus(ecting% naU'e and confused Joe in t e face of suc dastardly% dia&olical s enanigans% utterly &affled% intimidated% &oom&a??led &y t e redLsym&olismLsensitisation% t e set+u(s% t e cons(iracy. "s *e get to t e main side street off t e road% t ree &i$es+ cyclists% come round t e corner t at leads to Scotland Street. I grin at t em% still (arallel *it red guy. Ce *as older% didn@t suit t e &rig t colour. Hi$e a &usinessmen trying to loo$ i(% trendy. Ridiculous, as *it t e old &lo$e and is dog% (assing * en I do t e door routine% res(lendent in is grey air and &rig t red (aunc Lt+s irt. "&surd. I sa* a girl*oman once% from my $itc en *indo*% standing t ere on t e same side% at t e edge of t e (a'ementLs ort Ior$s road% *aiting for me to ma$e an a((earance as ex(ected. S e didn5t *ant to *aste t e effort s e@d gone to. I didn@t let on I@d seen er. Het t em t in$ t ey a'e all t e cards% if only sometimes. 3r% as someone said% if you *ant re'enge on a liar% let t em t in$ you &elie'e t em. 0ost of t e time I@'e &een sitting at t e *indo*% *atc ing t eir ridiculous res(onses in t e ex(ectation I@ll &e out in t e street any second. It@s (ossi&le t ey (ile it on so muc no* as an act of furt er re'enge for my a'ing t em run a&out li$e t e aforementioned and (ro'er&ial &lue+arsed flies% meta( orically s(o$ing 7 a, rus ing to get t emsel'es into (osition% ?i((ing out of t e *or$s o((osite% or t e =Social5 clu& u( t e street+ 0asonic central% or from around t e corner% any corner% * et er on foot or in cars% 'ans etc. <ig t of t e / ey Hi'e #ead. !ome to t in$ on it t ey@re getting (retty ea'y+ anded *it t e red. Just earlier t is e'ening% after I got &ac$% and% doing t e door t ang again 7 t e tec nical term 7 a red car a((eared on t e corner at t e to( of t e street. <o sign of me% t oug e@d li$ely see me at t e *indo*% a little ead stic$ing out% t is one% *it all its o(es and

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dreams% is in t e distance% t e silly red t+s irt &elo*% *ors i((ing t e false god of <HP% is deluded ca(oLs% is deranged go'ernment. / e &est (art is * en t ey s a$e t eir ead in moc$ (ity% gaslig ting again% or trying to. Poor% (at etic% misinformed misguided doomed little me. Random instance: Sitting on a &enc in to*n after getting some &argains from Sommerfield% if not muc % and a 'an ty(e car *it a &oat s a(e t ang on to( 8luggageG9 (asses o((osite. / is as a((ened too often at 6unctions too% intersections% as it did u( -runtsfield * en s o((ing at t eir /esco5s 8anot er &i$e on t e (a'ement% a &i$e coming in from t e road in a cur'e too% I c ec$ out t e second &lo$e * en e comes in% it@s t e same one *it a &eard I see at intersections fre;uently% I loo$% remar$: Dou (eo(le must t in$ you5re in'isi&le9. I ere'er I a((en to &e in fact. I gi'e im t e finger% loo$ing idly in t e ot er direction &ut not really. CeL/ ey are in .eorge Street% o((osite. / e lig ts c ange% e cur'es around to t e ot er side% same street, t ere are (ar$ing s(ots along t e centre 8t ese are also used for 1+turns at strategic moments% cars coming in and out etc., it ain5t all a((enstance9. I@'e got t is t e *rong *ay round, e (assed% comes &ac$% and is sitting at t e lig ts% I fli( t em t e &ird. "not er image of t em% on t e 0ound% sitting in t e traffic% t ere again as al*ays% t e t*on$s. I cross in front of t em to see t em. If you do t at t ey re(eat it% reinforcing * ate'er you res(ond to. It 6ust may &e irrele'ant to t em * et er you $no* or not, t e idea is t at anc oring% sensitisation *or$s on a su&conscious le'el in any case. / at ex(lains t e increase in red% &ecause of me *al$ing in front of red cars% dro((ing my .reen /am&ourine * en (eo(le in red come &y etc. -ut really I@m (ro'o$ing it% (ositi'ely encouraging it% &ecause if I can see it% you can see it% or rat er% ot er targets *ill% and &e less &am&oo?led% disoriented% gaslig ted as intended. / at alone is *ort t is effort% t e *omen * o@'e $illed t emsel'es o'er t is% ended it *it (ills or * ate'er% feeling o'er* elmed% alone% t at it5s too &ig% too com(lex% unrelenting% merciless% t at no one *ill &elie'e t em Q It@s also too muc to film% unless you a'e t e resources% and t is system is set u( to &loc$ t at% stymie it. / e =detecs5 too$

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my camera from me% didn@t return it, someone else *as sent to snoo( and get t e ot er one. I@'e lots of sna(s again% &ut t ey demonstrate only t e &i$e s*arming. -ut t ere are lots of (ri'ate ca&s at intersections too. /oo easily dismissed o*e'er unli$ely. Same *it t e cars starting u( (arallel to me% cars coming in and sto((ing rig t &y me. Ie&sites say t ey@re all in on it, t e multi+stal$ers% t ese co'ert (rograms, t e (syc iatrists% (olice% #e(t of Justice in t e 1S% !PS% !ity !ouncils% along *it stores% &usinesses etc. / is is (ro'ing to &e t e case% e'en if only &y omission. I o@s going to fig t itG I o t e ec$ing ell *ants to end u( targeted t emsel'esG 2or some t*addlng little no&odyG E Dou@re not a (rofessional%F t e same co( said during t e inter'ie*% as muc a statement of intent and strategy. 3 yes. I need to &e a (rofessional to ta$e sna(sG Ce *as saying I ad no reason to. Det% e@d already seen my (aintings% a'ing come &ac$ to detain me after going off% t e t*o of t em. I didn@t e'en t in$ to mention t e (aintings during t e inter'ie*. .ood for me. EI at colour of coat *ere you *earingGF E-lac$%F I said% a'ing (ut on t e nearest s ort 6ac$et * en t ey came &ac$ to (ic$ me u(. I adn5t *orn it for mont s. E/ at@s t e colour you *ere descri&ed as *earing%F e lied &ac$. I ate'er I@d a'e said *ould &e t e colour. EDou@ll (ro&a&ly &e out of ere in no time%F e5d said% as *e *ent in% $no*ing t e intention *as to c arge me from t e outset% t e set+u(. I didn@t &elie'e a *ord% t oug (art of me *anted to, t ey $no* t at. 0ay&e it5s (art of (utting you off guard 7 or a furt er as(ect of gaslig ting. It too$ ours% sitting in t e cell% * ic *asn@t too &ad% 'ery *arm% and t ey did feed me% *ere ci'il for t e most (art. -ecause t ey5re not all in on it of course. I sa* t e @tecs again only for t e inter'ie*. I adn@t &ot ered *it a la*yer, it@s all fixed% * o caresG / ey $ne* I didn@t a'e one. "nd adn5t t ey said I5d &e out in no timeG I@d already decided t e &est tac$ *as to =a&out face5% as I did *it t e @real@ (syc iatrist 7 and social *or$er% female% after seeing t eir Polis (olice (syc iatrist. Ce *as in full -S mode% tal$ing to me as if I *as retarded% o&'iously delusional% exactly t e -S I ex(ected% ne'er mind t e glo&al internet% t e undreds of

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t ousands of re(orts% t e * istle+&lo*ers 82-I9% t e ne*s re(orts% t e (iece on t e recruitment of >0%000 citi?ens to s(y for t e State 7 citi?en s(ies 7 in / e Scottish #aily 0ail 6ust &efore Jmas a fe* mont s &efore, no% it@s 6ust my imagination% (ossi&ly un&alanced% dangerous, I need loo$ing into. I en I (ointed out a fe* t ings% ma$ing it a((arent I *asn@t ;uite so credulous% uninformed% naU'e 7 (olitely cutting t roug t e -S in effect% e too$ a different tac$% said I Eseem to $no* too muc a&out itF% t is% 6ust as sus(ect% a((arently, e'en more so. #amned if you do% damned if... t e same old orses it% t e same mindset% tric$s and games, narcissistic clones% one and all% Im(ostors (laying at (syc iatrists% (olice. -ulls it artists. !ra?y gaslig ting (syc iatrists and lying co(s. =Dou5ll &e out of ere in no time.5 / at5s * at t e &lo$e in !RS said in / e .ame. -ut t ey@re loo$ing to esta&lis it *as met odical% intentional on my (art, t at I intentionally alarmed (eo(le% a cou(le sitting in a car% a *oman in a car u( t e street% at t e side% to(. / is 6ust so a((ens to &e * ere% * en I turned t e corner of t at &uilding% leading to a stee( lane o((osite t at cuts t roug into t e main road% a car s ot in from t e side% &loc$ing me% as mentioned% a clear message I yG I@d made some (it y% *itty remar$s to a &int intersecting me *it er &i$e% &ut on foot again 7 &ut lets not forget it@s all intersecting% all anc oring% all mind games and mind control, it@s all murder% =slo* $ill5% deat . I@'e long forgotten * at I said% t oug it@s ne'er a&use 7 (syo(s is a&use 7 &ut I *as straig t a&out t e -S of it% if as li$ely to a'e a stream of s ar(is one+liners com&ining &ot funny and (syc ological o&ser'ation. / e incident t e follo*ing afternoon only insured it *ent straig t &ac$ to t em% t at s e *asn@t an innocent &ystander so to say 7 one of t e &enefits of not letting it go &y% literally% t en t ey only confirm it *asn@t a((enstance% c ance% defeating t eir o*n (ur(ose, certainly t e gaslig ting% disorienting intention% to cause confusion. / e follo*+u( *as a clear message. "cce(t t e orses it% don5t get mout y% asserti'e% stand u( for yourself% em&arrassL@u(set@ (eo(le, *e@ll destroy you. Ie a'e ot er toys% all t e &igger and toug er to scare you *it % intimidate you *it % and in a 'ery sinister% unex(ected *ay. Ie a'e our .PS and

33N

more% *e $no* * ere you are at e'ery moment% * ere you@re ex(ected to &e% can antici(ate your e'ery mo'e% your e'ery res(onse. 3 and it *as a *oman, did I say t atG I didn@t re(ort it% neit er did s e% me (eering into er *indo* * ile s e farted *it er mo&ile% er =failsafe5 in a crisis% in case I didn5t res(ond or am not set+u( as (lanned% turn 'iolent e'en. <o% I@ll 6ust turn literate% articulate% and (syc ological. 3ne day% mont s ago% *al$ing in front of a &i$e on .eorge I4 -ridge% t oug one of countless &i$es as usual% most in on it 7 t e incidence of any natural e'ent isn@t so common at all 7 and later t at same day% *al$ing do*n t e lane off #unedin Street again% a ;uietis side street, a car ?i(s in * en I reac t e &ottom% sto(s inc es from me as I@m inc es from t e road% a&out to ste( out% only% I@m not% I antici(ated it. I could@'e &een running. / is is * y it@s also attem(ted in6ury% staging accidents. Ce *ent into is routine as t ey do% &e a'ing as if it@s (ure c ance% as if I@ll actually &uy into t at, t oug it@s as muc for anyone * o mig t &e *atc ing% or a((ear on t e scene. 0agnanimously% e offers to let me go a ead. I loo$ a*ay% do*n t e street% ignore im, stand t ere. I@ll mo'e in my o*n time. Ce dri'es around t e corner% so I *al$ around too% as t at@s t e direction I@d intended% to get to t e flat from t e ot er side. Ce@d sto((ed% @(ar$ed@ in t e middle of t e road% at t e &eginning of t e lo* flats. I yG -ecause t ere@s a fence and s ru&&ery on t e o((osite side and garden area on t e ot er until I get to t e flats (ro(er. 0ore intimidation% I must@'e annoyed im% not getting t e desired res(onse. I mig t5'e antici(ated it% &ut adn5t. It5s as li$ely a reflection of my anger% ignoring any a'oidance strategy% loo$ing to (ro'o$e. It@s also getting dar$% t oug t ere@s street lig ting of course. Ce as is eadlig ts on% I *al$ to*ards im as e starts u(% mo'es for*ard, I ta$e my time% mo'e off t e road diagonally. / is * at@s going on% t e ti( of t e @nice@ (eo(le&erg. I didn5t a'e a camera at t e time, it *ould &e t e same story as no*: #etainedLarrested% c arged 8*it -reac of t e Peace% or &etterG9 7 t e lead% dominant co( descri&ed my (re'ious &e a'iour as =sinister.5 8I *as a((y to ear a 6udge descri&e Henny -ruce as sinister in a documentary s o* on S$y "rts sometime later9. It@s sim(le

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enoug to ta$e a sna( or t*o of t e street I@m on, if t ere@s any sudden s ift in logistics% any sudden rearrangement of t e 'e icular 2eng S ui% I can% in t eory% ca(ture t at too% as in record it% e'en =s ort+circuit5 it. -ut not if one of t eir Someone5s says it s ouldn@t &e allo*ed% t e co(s in on it agree 7 for t at5s * y / ey *ere sitting t ere% t at@s t e set+u(% (art of it% as *ell as t at it@s 6ust anot er as(ect of anc oring% sensitisation% to remind me of t e (re'ious incident $y sitting o((osite 7 t ey came after me * en I reac ed t e corner 6unction furt er on around t e corner% so I sa* t em start u(. I@m told it *as only a *oman% so it@s (ro&a&le e came out of t e flats% got in t e car. -ut again% t e timing ma$es it clear it@s staged, t ey al*ays get t e timing rig t 8or =*rong59. / ey li$e to ru& it in, t e co( did t e same% as$ing if I use my &i$e muc , it *as sitting in t e $itc en. Ce did t e same in t e car on t e *ay to t e (olice station * en I remar$ed on t e cyclists on most corners% anc oring again% saying =#on5t you li$e &i$esG5 / eir little amusementsLmind games. So muc for sinister, t e ti( of t e ice&erg. Smir$ing 6oggers a((earing from around t e corner% same street% to ma$e me 6um(, yo&s *it dogs doing t e same as I reac t e to( of t e lane% &i$es coming in% (ri'ate ca&s of t e (ri'ate car $ind again% often red% 6ust a((ening to &e (assing at t e same time. / is doesn@t a((en in normal circumstances% or it a((ens only sometimes% not re(eatedly. / is is as &latantly intentional as it is o&'ious no*. It@s set u( so t at anyone * o tries to descri&e it% ex(lain * at@s going on% sounds 7 is 7 indistinguis a&le from t e ram&ling% t e delusions of t e delusional. In s ort% t e @mentally ill@. It@s a self%enclosed system% set u( to inter(ret as t ey c oose. "not er reason * y it5s called a matrix. / e multi+stal$ers are mimic$ing t e delusions% t e sym(toms of t e 'ery state of mind t ey5re trying to &ring a&out% or% failing t at% *ill &e inter(reted as suc if t e target is so foolis % or uninformed of t e set+u(% as to try and re(ort it. / e result% t e stress% mig t only contri&ute to t e desired outcome. / e diagnosis5 of t e #S0 is geared to fit *it t ese @sym(toms@ also. It@s one &ig% interconnected% genocidal scam. It@s (syo(s on t e streets% using e'eryday 'e icles% e'ents% as

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*ea(ons of *ar% strategies of *earing t e (ercei'ed or imagined enemy do*n% demoralising t em% ma$ing t em more 'ulnera&le% (rone to mista$es% =errors of 6udgment5% acting out. Der friendly neig &our ood e'eryday citi?en as 6oyful serial $illerLnarcissistic (syc o(at . / e useful idiots go rig t along *it it. Peo(le can &e interesting * en t ey t in$ t ey@re in'isi&le 7 * en t ey assume t ere@s no (ossi&le come&ac$ or credi&ility seen in any ot er account 7 * en t ey get o'erconfident, * en t ey (resume t ere@s no (ossi&le *ay a target% a (altry no&ody% certainly a nonentity com(ared to t em *it t eir cle'er &riefings from t e Ex(erts and (ermission gi'en carte+&lanc e &y elements of t e (olice state 7 .od sa'e us from Ex(erts and t eir asinine acolytes 7 *ill e'er figure this s it out. I5m *al$ing u( Rodney Street% some t*on$ 1+turns 7 *it my fuc$ing a&out it@s as li$ely e (re+em(ted (rematurely 7 (ar$s close &y% near t e flats. I ma$e a &eeline for im, I *ant to see * o it is 7 for next time. / ere@s &een as muc of t is cra( t ere as any* ere else, t ere@s no class or age distinction, t ey@re all t*ats. Ce *ent do*nstairs into a &asement flat. Des% sometimes it@s going to &e coincidence% t ey $no* t at too% t at@s o* t ey get e'eryday e'ents *or$ing for t em, t at@s all (art of t e confusion+tec ni;ue. -ut t ere@s al*ays somet ing t ere as t ere is ot er fa'oured s(ots for t em% $no*ing my routes 7 t ere@s only so many routes in any case, I can@t *al$ t roug &uildings, or not yet any*ay. " car coming from t e ot er side% turning in unex(ectedly as I came to t e same (art from u( t e road t is time. I could easily a'e *al$ed into im, in fact it5s (erfectly o&'ious t e intention is to startle% ma$e me 6um( 8s oc$9+ I rarely if e'er% c ange (ace, t at t ey mig t a'e to sto( *ould only ig lig t it. Ris$y% &ut sim(le and effecti'e. 0erely a fe* yards on% a car comes along% I $no* it@s going to sto( (arallel *it me as I go &y% so% antici(ating t is% I sit do*n on t e nearest ste(s. It sto(s almost directly o((osite. / ere@s some distance eit er *ay, it@s not a s ort street exactly% if narro*, t ey@re on t e ot er side of (ar$ed cars. I s ouldn@t &e ca(a&le of (redicting t is almost e'ery time. / e car could as easily a'e *ent &y% or sto((ed furt er on or &efore. I at am I% (syc icG

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Possi&ly a little &it% &ut not to t is extent, t is is somet ing else, t is is orses it. " cou(le get out% a&out my age% get somet ing from t e &oot% lea'e it o(en% go to t e next flat. It *as t e same story earlier a'ing 6ust left t e flat% got around t e corner% and a 4irgin 0edia 'an sto(s rig t &y me from a (ar$ed (osition 6ust (re'iously% ;uite a &it along t e street 7 for no reason at all, e *asn5t far from t e next side street, suggestionLanc oring again. " &i$e or t ree as already (assed eit er *ay. I (ause for effect% o&ser'ation% contem(lation% standing in t e largis s(ace &et*een t*o (ar$ed cars for a minute. / e 4irgin 'an man is in my face. EI@m (ar$ing ereF e says% unfriendly+li$e% (redicta&le+li$e. EDou don5t sayGF I didn@t antici(ate it in ad'ance t at time% t oug it@s a((ened numerous times &efore% and it did t en. / e last t*on$ didn@t get it eit er 7 t at I *asn@t in t e least sur(rised. Standing in =t eir5 (ar$ing s(aces *ell &efore t ey get to me% (ass% and sto(% re'erse% * ate'er. EI must &e (syc ic% e F% I say% as e5s re'ersing in to exactly * ere I am, it5s t e timin . EI atGF I re(eat it. EI atGF Hoo$ing at me as if I@m insane or retarded. It@s an occu(ational (redicta&ility. EI can see you@re one of t e ;uic$ ones%F I add. Ce5s &lan$. / e 4irgin git as to dri'e &ac$ and fort to get into a (ar$ed (osition. I mimic im% *al$ing &ac$ and fort till e@s done% ear im get out% come around t e &ac$. I@m *al$ing off% &ut into im% *e almost collide. I en Iorlds !ollide. E2unny t at% e F I say% in a loud% exaggeratedly ammy *ay. Ce@s li'id. EE G I atGF Ce@d smac$ me one if e could. / ey ne'er seem to see t e funny side * en t e 6o$e isn@t on someone else. 0o'ing on% I@m into Hondon Road 7 al*ays t e &i$es 8cyclists and motorcyclists9 around t e rounda&out% to cli( meLanc or on t e corner, t e red cars% 'ans% * ate'er, t ere *as noticea&le (ostal 'an acti'ity today% &eginning *it my door scam% t e deli'ery 'an a'ing (assed% to come &ac$ and (ar$ o((osite 6ust as I@d &e ex(ected to come out of t e close. /*at. Ce got out on t e% erm% roadside to*ards me too, l+you can tell I don@t dri'e 8can5t dri'e% *on5t dri'e9 7 loo$ed u( &ut @didn@t@ 7 t eir co'ert% ooded little loo$s 7 seeing me at t e *indo*.

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Hondon Road... " &i$e a((ears at t e traffic lig ts as al*ays 8t ere *as ne'er t is (ro&lem &efore I (issed off t e local (t&Lmatrix9. Hots of acti'ity. I sense it@s a*as *it @(er(s@% minions. -edtime. 3 yea % remem&er t e car *it t e little (lastic =&oat+mould5 on to(G 82or t at@s * at it is9 It turned into my street as soon as I reac ed t e c i(s o( on t e corner. @"ma?ing@. Dou t in$ I ma$e t is s it u(G

"at&"unday It@s 6ust after 3am. I noticed a long stretc of lig t outside% t e &at room *indo* distorting it 7 so I didn@t realise it *as a eadlig t until I o(ened it. / e lig t+coloured car turned% dro'e off. / is time t oug I s outed ESee you laterF a cou(le of times. I@d &een in t e $itc en (utting out some Ieeta&ix% my *ay of not going t roug all t e mil$ for 0 * en I@m t irsty. I@d ad some (laice and salad earlier% including a andful of small tomatoes, my concession to trying to eat more ealt ily. )ee(ing myself s its a(e. / e same t ing ad a((ened earlier in t e day% a car mo'ing off at exactly t e same time as I o(ened t e &at room *indo*. I get it. / is is t eir ans*er to me a'ing t em come for a false alarm so to say% all t ose (re'ious times% t oug t is is

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ardly a recent de'elo(ment, it5s often a((ened% usually from t e $itc en side. Someone could &e *atc ing from one of t e flats u( t e street% alerting one of t em% t oug t at ma$es t em all one of / em. -ut I a'e t e im(ression it@s a res(onse to all my door o(enings. I see t e logic in it% insane as it al*ays is: Instead of &eing t ere for t em% t ey@re already t ere for me% t oug I *asn@t o(ening t e *indo* &ecause I sa* any lig ts% &ut &ecause I *as o(ening it in any case. / ey@ll a'e seen t at too% es(ecially * en I &ring t em out, t at@s t e idea. 2or moment% I@d t oug t t e long eadlig t &eams *ere t e lig ts from t e ground floor of t e *or$s o((osite. -ut t ey@re off. I t in$ t e idea (ro&a&ly% (refera&ly% is t at t ey catc me% or *antLed to% * en I@'e alerted t em. I do t e smartarse door+t ing% o(en t e *indo*% t ere t ey are. It didn@t ;uite a((en t at *ay. It@s funny as% in odd. It@s all one+u(mans i(. / ey a&solutely a'e to (ro'e t ey@re t e cle'erest% t e @smartest@% con'eniently ignoring t at t ere@s undreds of t em. I used to say tens% t in$ing anyone * o tal$ed of undreds *as eit er exaggerating or% actually% slig tly loo(y, t at t ey5'e really let it get to t em. -ut I5'e come to realise% t at li$e anyt ing else% it5s an addiction for t em% in a @serial $iller lite5 $inda *ay. It5s certainly tens at any gi'en (eriod% oftentimes% undreds o'er a longer (eriod. / ere@s (ossi&ly undreds for &i$es alone% t oug I do see some of t e same faces 8EDou a ainGF 7 -ut I@'e said t at at random too, I@m a =smartass5 t at *ay9. "not er t ing: / ey tend to increase e'eryt ing, t ey a'e t e &odies% t e resources% so * y not 6ust lay it on t ic$G /oo t ic$ at times, as t ic$ as eig t (lan$s. If gasllg ting is t e most effecti'e% &ased on t e strategy% t e (rinci(le t at t e ot er (erson% t e target% doesn@t $no* * at t e ell is going on% t en t ey a'e a a&it of clearing it u( for me. / e 4irgin Prune t e ot er day is a good exam(le% one of undreds &y no*: 3&'iously I can ne'er &e entirely sure if a 'e icle as only sto((ed% (ar$ed * ere t ey are for an innocent (ur(ose% or t ey@re in on it 7 I@'e 6ust eard an engine re' outside% a&o'e t e li'e music on --! B 0usic% not t at I@m getting u( to c ec$. I (ro&a&ly did sto( &ecause of t e 4irgin 0+'an 7 I don@t li$e to s o* I@m conceding &y crossing to t e ot er side of t e

34>

street 7 more re''ing... mig t t at &e a co'er for my remar$s% alerting t e neig &ours to t e dri'er 6ust earlierG " &i$e ?i((ed &y yesterday after t e door t ang. Ias e going at t at s(eed for t e same reasonG 8E#id you steal my &i$eGOF9 ! u(stairs% anot er neig &ourly neig &our ad o(enedLclosed is *indo* a&o'e me, I eard it * ile I ad my ead out t e loo *indo*% still. <ot sill. 0ay&e e *as c ec$ing to see I *asn@t s outing into t e street at ( antoms% ma$ing it u(. "lternati'ely% e mig t assume someone *as s outing as t ey *ent &y, e'en &etter. / is 6ust may a'e crossed t e cyclists5 minds too% turning t e ta&les entirely% or at least annoyingly. 3ne &i$e% t e rider dressed in t eir fa'ourite satanic &lac$ and red 7 t is seems to &e as common in t e 1S% as is t is =gs5 -S too 7 turned side*ays into t e *or$s, t at *ay it seems as if t ey *or$ t ere% a'e &usiness t ere% * ate'er% * en in fact it@s o&'ious t ey a'e (ermission to use t e area for t e (ur(ose of arassment% stal$ing. / ey ride u( t e &ac$% as do t e cars and t e rest% coming out at t e to( and into t is street% 'ia #unedin St, ideal for intersectingLcutting off. "ny*ay... / ey@'e al*ays ad t is counter+routine of coming &ac$% literally to eit er * ere t ey *ere or you areL*ere, It@s o&'iously anot er as(ect of @anc oring@% if difficult to com(re end exactly% &ut one+u(mans i( is also as good a reason as any in &i?arro*orld. I@ll gi'e some exam(les tomoLlater today% Sunday% as intended% and as a((ened on 2riday. -ut as I *as saying% in relation to t e 4irgin 0+'an% t e o'er$ill tends to &ac$fire% as it often confirms * at I only sus(ected or *asn@t sure of% e'en &affled &y% or *ould &e ot er*ise. &ecause e came rig t to me% intent on emotionally im(acting me% (ressing is ad'antage% it remo'ed any dou&ts and t e effect or intention of gaslig tingLdisorienting. 3ne could say I@d a'e found out in any case &y *al$ing along till I came &y im% &ut I s ifted it to my o*n terms in a sense, e *as o'erconfident% (redatory% and I could &e a *iseacre% confounding and com(ounding is aggression. Day. " single day out of mont s of t is% and mont s &efore t at% only% it *as less intense &efore. I@d (ro'o$ed t em since, all *ill &e re'ealed% as far as I

34B

understand it, it@s not as if t ey o&ligingly ex(lain t eir agenda and moti'ations to me. I didn@t go out today% slee(ing too late% so didn@t ta$e u( any (aintings to t e 0ound eit er or see 2. I feel a &it &ad a&out t is already after telling im I@d get t e (rints done etc. It *as raining% so I can5t &e sure e@d &e t ere% &ut e tends to &e, it@s is sole means of income% * ic is (retty im(ressi'e. Ce@s *or$ing for (eanuts% if ;uite regular (eanuts% doing is detailed% (recise little (ortraits in (encil of (assing (unters 7 t e ones * o re;uest t em from im. I li$e im% t oug e@s not exactly (oetic or artistic in attitude% &ut% some* at (redicta&ly% 'ery muc of a ( ysicalist% t oug not materialistic. Iouldn@t you $no* it, S a*@s !andida is on% --! Radio 4 Extra. S a*% t e 2a&ian and &elie'er in eugenics. !I ne'er mentioned t at as(ect eit er. Per a(s e did% * o $no*s% it@s so many years since I read is &iogra( y on S a*. I read is (lays * en I *as 2B% along *it as muc of t e e(ic &iogra( y on .-S &y 0ic ael Colroyd as I could% after reading t e 'ery fa'oura&le re'ie* of it &y !I. Des% I am t is =eclectic5% al*ays a'e &een. I *as reading almost e'ery su&6ect I could * ile still at SecondaryL ig Sc ool. <arcissism as &een t e un*anted t read% t e &arnacle I let stic$ to me and t at as (lagued my life e'er since. / e difference no* is I@m more a*are it@s a s ado* (ro6ection of my o*n aggression 7 * ic isn@t to say it excuses t e co'ert and o'ert aggression of ot ers. I *atc ed #iamonds are 2ore'er in t e afternoon% or some of it% until Citc coc$5s <ort -y <ort *est &egan. Hater% I *atc ed Iitness again% *it Carrison 2ord. I@d intended to *rite t roug it &ut it *as too engrossing. / ey all *ere. ! *as ere in t e e'ening% el(ing me *it my tec no+idiocy% com(uter+*ise.

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"unday > 'uly Aat ura: " S(ace "d'enture% 200>% a&out a family of estranged% s;ua&&ling si&lings. / e middle &rot er is cold to is younger &ro * o@s lonely% 6ust *ants im to (lay *it im &ut * o instead loo$s for (etty *ays to torment im% suc as s*itc ing on /4 t roug is 'ideogame% t en * en e@s en6oying S(onge-o& t e cartoon% fli(s it to t e s(orts c annel. <iggly little s it. Seem li$e t e $ind of $ids t ese =gs5 locals and t e rest are% and t e $ids t ey (roduce% little s its off t e old &loc$. / e youngest $id finds an oldL'intage &oard game in t e cu(&oard, it &rings t e messages on t e cards to life, t eir ouse 7 a great &arn of a (lace% is trans(orted into outer s(ace. !ut a lot of s(ecial effects and com(lications s ort% including a $iller ro&ot and el(ful astronaut% t e meat+eating Re(tiles come to get t em 7 yes% really. -y t is time% t eir sister% (re'iously fro?en% literally% is falling for t e el(ful astronaut% a dead ringer for Aac$ -raff &ut not really% and t e older &rot er as mello*ed out a &it% learned some lessons. It@s t e climax no*% a time+tra'el t*ist% &ut * y s(oiler itG "nd t ey@re still under attac$ from t e Re(tiods. / e &rot er as learned umility% lo'e for is &rot er. Cis (ro&lem isL*as e@s de(ressed% urting o'er t eir (arents di'orce. / eir older sister% su(er+(retty% stayed in er room listening to ea'y metal lite on ear( ones 7 until s e *as fro?en.

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/ e o((ressors ne'er seem to learn t e same lessons% t oug t ey@ll a'e to. I@m sure fe* <a?is *ere re(entant o'er t eir treatment of t e Je*s and ot ers, and t eir colla&orators come to t at+ and t ere *ere lots. / is as(ect as al*ays &een (layed do*n. 1ntil it *as ex(osed. Citler5s Iilling Executioners. "in5t it al*ays t e *ay. I recall t at% some years &ac$% in a documentary% a .erman *oman is confronted *it t e re(ort s e *rote and sent to t e .esta(o on er Je*is neig &our% 'oluntarily. Sitting on a &enc outside% s e@s s o*n er signature at t e end of t e re(ort% agrees it@s ers% laug s it off% &ut says s e as no idea o* it got t ere. / e inference is it@s a forgery% t at anyone could engineer it if t ey *anted to 7 t oug t at seems unli$ely, s e *asn@t% isn@t t e Je* s e =s o((ed5. / is is exactly t e same attitude t e =gs5% t e good minions a'e, t ey $no* it all ta$es (lace in a system t at *ill find *ays to rationalise it% dismiss it as mere a((enstance% c ance% o'er+imagination, all inferring% im(lying% &asically stating t at it al*ays comes do*n to delusion at *orst% (aranoia% @&i?arre cons(iracy t eories@ at &est% t at t ere are no exce(tions% ne'er a'e &een% ne'er *ill &e. "n a&surd% ludicrously sim(listic (remise% t oug really it@s all (art of t e o'ercom(lexity% t e o'erall smo$escreen. 3nly a moron *ould ta$e suc a 'ie*, or someone *it a idden agenda. It@s all a form of uns(o$en collusion 7 in s ort% a cons(iracy. "nd it@s glo&al 7 6ust in case I didn@t say t at &efore. 2or e'ery target% it@s localised t oug % * ere'er t ey go, t at@s t e nature of t e situation. / eir * ole *orld &ecomes circumscri&ed% in s(ecific terms% a reflection of t e circumscri&ed% im(risoned (syc e of t e cons(irators and t eir myo(ic (erce(tions% t oug t e target needn@t and (ro&a&ly doesn@t s are t e same (erce(tion in many cases% * ate'er t e circumstances or extent of t e targeting. I@m *atc ing . ost&usters, it@s &een a * ile. I ;uite fancy t e notion of red contact lenses, turn t e *orld a rosy targetedL5gs5 red% @neutralising@ all t e red ig lig ting. 3r *ould t at only turn t e *orld into t e (erce(tual ell t ey@re already attem(ting to &ring a&outG / is arousing of com(assion t eme% in t e film I *atc ed earlierQ t e same t eme is t ere in / e .ame% *it 0ic ael

34N

#ouglas. I could really do *it going t roug t at film% almost scene &y scene% if (artly for t e entertainment 'alue, t e ex(ression on is face * en t e dog 8su((osedly9 as is legLtrousers 8@(ants@9 is classic. -ut &y t e end of is way =o'er t e to(5 ex(erience% e@s 'irtually a &ro$en man% a umiliated one% if not (articularly um&le exce(t &y t e climax% * ic magically 7 s(oiler 7 &rings a&out t e transformation% a sort of (syc o+ nig tmare 'ersion of Pun$ed% t e s(oofingLgaslig ting idden camera s o*. / is is almost identical to * at gs is% exce(t it@s *it let al intent 7 as it clearly *as in t e film% if in a more s(ectacularly 3// *ay. / e difference% unli$e t e film% or Pun$ed and ot ers 7 I also recall !andid !amera from * en I *as a $id 7 is t at t ere@s no letu(% no end to it, t e In;uisition is as merciless to its disloyal su&6ects as it is toQ itself. / ere@s no a((y ugging EDou ass olesOF (layful ri(ostes% moc$ s oulder sla(s or * ate'er. It@s not a 6o$e to t em, t at@s * y t ey find it so funny 7 and so unfunny * en t e 6o$e is on t em% t e ta&les turned% if only for a moment% or somet ing more radical% a more concerted effort% suc as t is ex(osition. It is a 6o$e in reality% in t e grander sc eme of t ings 7 t ey confuse grandeur *it grandiosity as *e all do% only more so, t ey confuse literally e'eryt ing% t ey@re terminally confused a&out e'eryt ing. / e Coly S(irit $no*s it@s a 6o$e% 6ust a re(etition of t e un oly instant% t e time *e =forgot to laug 5% from a (oint &ac$ in time too ancient to remem&er% &ut% in reality% an instant t at ne'er a((ened at all. It5s a meta( or, t is dualistic *orld doesn@t exist% an instant t at .od already ga'e Cis "ns*er to at t e 'ery moment t e instant% t e clea'age from .od seemed to a((en, a tiny tic$ in eternity% as Jesus descri&es it in is !ourse% t at as no effects in reality. /*o different *ays of loo$ing at it. "lmost im(ossi&le to $ee( in mind * ile it@s ta$ing (lace... #ee( &reat % stay calm% and eit er rise a&o'e it% ignore it% or a'e your lexicon of de'astating one+liners at t e ready% &ut don@t forget t ese (eo(le a'e @no emotions@% t at li$e any good =-orderline5 (atient% not ing gets t roug to t em, im(er'ious to% scorning genuine insig t% t ey li'e for (utdo*ns% a dream of life% of (etty omni(otence and omniscience, in s ort% s(ecialness 7 t e

3>0

unconscious atred of t e ego% t e illusion and delusion of 6oining t at *ould exclude t e 'ery t ing it &elie'es it 6oins *it . " sense of irony is not t eir forte. Ironic% * en t ey t in$ getting rid of certain (eo(le is t e $ey to t eir future. I @ni((ed@ out to t e c i( s o( on t e corner. "s I $ne*% it *asn@t *it out incident. -ut I too$ it ;uite slo*, I a'e a c air do*nstairs% inside t e close, it *as originally for t e garden. I@d &roug t ru&&is . E'en t at rarely goes *it out incident. / is *as one of t e rare occasions% &ut only on t e face of it, t ere@s al*ays t e (eering eyes some* ere. I (ut t e c air 6ust &eyond t e entrance*ay% &inned t e ru&&is % in (lastic /esco &ags% came &ac$% and sat do*n. Predicta&ly% 'ery (redicta&ly% a cou(le of &lo$es are outside *it in minutes% from t e anti+social clu& 6ust u( t e street. E'en more (redicta&ly% a&surdly% one of t e fat middle+aged smo$ers is *earing a &rig t red t+s irt. S it% I@ll ne'er figure that one out, t em standing t ere% c atting loudly% as if t ey o*n t e (lace and t e *orld% to &oot, a &ig fat red car&uncle. I lea'e it for a &it% get u( and *al$ to t e &ins again, I could &e coming to*ards t em for all t ey $no*. I lift t e lid &ut $ee( it o(en% (eer inside for a &it% anot er &lo$e a((ears% I ear a car &e ind me% turn my ead% close t e lid at t e same time as it (asses, a &lond *oman dri'er% I@'e seen er &efore% t e o((osite *ay% timed to catc me as I come to t e cornerLmiddle of t e road as I@m crossing% t oug t at time I timed it so my u(stairs neig &ours *ere almost directly &e ind me. "fter a &it% I get u(% * olly ignore t e fat faggy neds% a'oiding t e cloud of faggerette smo$e &y *al$ing around t em% some s ort loud &intLsex d*arf ste(s out at exactly t e same time I reac t em of course% &ig smile and ESee ya@s%F (seudo+c atty... 2amily .uy... I could &arely imagine any greatly umorous cartoonLanimation after t e definiti'e &rilliance of .ary Harson. I ad it in mind to read some again, I@'e seen 2. and "merican #ad e(isodes so many times no*. / ere *as a ne* one earlier t oug . I a'e to see or read t ings many times o'er% or can% o'er a long (eriod of time. It5s info% e'en entertainment o'erload. I o

3>1

can remem&er% or recall it allG I forget * ole films, * en I see one again it@s a ne* mo'ie to me. Cey loo$% ! urc y (eo(le on Scotland /oday, some cra?y canni&al in a dog collar tal$ing a&out o* t ey still &elie'e t e Euc arist is t e eating of t e &lood and t e &ody of ! rist. 2uc$ing lunatics surround me. / ey@re e'ery* ere. Peo(le still find t is orses it acce(ta&le. #on@t concern yourself, e'eryt ing is normal% e'eryt ing is o$ay. Pull t e ot er one. "s I (ass t e smug c atty &int% I@'e already s*itc ed on my camera so t at it ma$es its exaggerated &lee(ing sound, it@s so loud it sounds almost li$e a mo&ile ( one, ilarious. I catc er slig t ead turn 6ust as it tin$les. I s ould@'e (ut it u( to my ear, it *ouldn@t &e t e first time. I notice a mo'ement to my rig t% across t e street% a 6ogger% timed to get to t e corner a((roximately as I *ould get t ere, e *as (ro&a&ly anging around some* ere% *aiting for me to ma$e a mo'e. !ars% 'ans a'e done t e same% numerous times, I get it u(to*n too% on *al$ing (recincts. <o one &ats an eyelid of course, no one ;uestions a deli'ery 'an or * ate'er% o*e'er unli$ely% (otentially dangerous ot er*ise 7 &ecause t ey@re &arely t ere to see it, it@s timed for t e target% someone else sitting in a car% or one of t e taxi+dri'ers in t e near&y ran$% anyone at all... I start running along too% to*ards im, e s ifts to t e o((osite side% * ere I *as% coming &e ind me% so I do t at too% t en e@s (arallel *it me% me *it im% ta$e your (ic$. Ce (ulls out an ear( one. E"lrig tGF e as$s% says% not smiling% not a((y% $no*ing it5s (ointless to &ulls it% &ut does any*ay, t at@s t e loo( t ey@re on. EDea %F I re(ly. E"re you racing meGF e as$s% says. EI t oug t you *ere c asing me%F I state% moc$ ;ui??ically% t en% 6ust as e@s (utting &ac$ is ear( ones% a motorcyclist ?i(s &y on t e corner% sym&olically cli((ing im and not me, I5m &e ind. -ut same old same old% e'ery day% mont % year. E'ery day is /ruman S o* day, any time of t e day at all. I en I get to t e c i( s o(% t ere5s only one of t e &lo$es on tonig t. I@'e s(o$en to im less com(ared to t e ot er one% &ut e *as o$ay% ;uite

3>2

friendly% as$ed me if I *asLam going any* ere for my olidays. Ca. I say I can@t afford it% am a&out to mum&le somet ing a&out t ere@s al*ays some (ainting% *riting to finis % decide t at sounds (retentious% say t at I@d ad it in mind to do some ill+*al$ing% u( nort 8* ere elseG9% a&out to add I could do *it losing some *eig t% &ut e suggests S(ain as a destination% or may&e e meant it@s a fa'ourite of is, t e con'ersation is going s*immingly% a nice c ange, t ere@s &een some tension &efore * en t ey couldn@t ;uite get t e gs -S I *as (ointing out% &ut of course / ey al*ays a'e to o'erdo it% a $id ?i((ing &y me one e'ening 6ust as I *as *al$ing out *it my fis su((er or * ate'er% I *ent straig t &ac$ in% said: no* you see * y I a'e t e 8.reen9 tam&ourine% t e red nose 8&ut t e camera is &etter% to catc it if I can, a 'idcam *ould &e e'en &etter9. 0ore recently% 'ery recently% I@m coming &ac$ after anot er day of t e usual unrelenting -S% and sit on t e ste(s at t e side of t e c i(s o( &efore I get to it (ro(er and round t e corner% t is as muc to antici(ate t e (redicta&le flurry of 'e icles t at a((en to arri'e s ortly &efore andLor after, a matter of seconds% minutes% to try and interce(t% intimidate at e'ery turn, a &i$e comes &y% a youngis &lo$e% as o&'ious as e'er: Dou againG I say% getting u(% going &y as e secures t e &i$e outside% *al$ing a*ay from eac ot er * en e@s done. I say in (assing% EDou must &e / e #ice 0anF% an =o&scure5 reference to c ance and coincidence e *on@t get &ecause e@s too muc of a &oreLeart &ound to a'e read it. I go &ac$ into t e c i(s o(% after im. E/ is is one of my s(ecial (als% I sa* im earlierF% say I@ll get somet ing next time. / e &lo$e says not ing, I@m outside% no dogs or &i$es, for e@s / e .uy% I@m t e stooge. I@m out of sig t for a moment after I@m (ast t e *indo*% I dou&le+&ac$ again% e@s s rugging is s oulders at t e grinning (ro(rietor% t e ot er one% * o@s o$ay% and I mimic / e .uy% t e 0inion% s rugging my s oulders% loo$ing &emused% innocent, my *ay of saying it@s -S. Dea % its tri'ial% tedious, t is s it goes on fore'er, * o@s got t e time to $ee( u( *it it% descri&e it% record it% (oint out t e relentless interconnections% t e *ay t ey carry it on from one incident to t e next% if often s(ecifically t e follo*ing day% * ile

3>3

t e rest !arry 3n @in &et*een@% layers and layers of reinforcement% more com(lex t en any mo'ie% any no'el% t e * ole t ing an =interlin$ed c ain of s(ecialness% dedicated to deat 5% not least t eir o*n% if un&e$no*nst to t emsel'es, t e ego gets e'ery&ody. E'ery time t ey laug % e'ery time t ey t in$ t ey@'e got one+u( on me% in anyone% in any situation at all% t e ego laug s at t em% t e internal $iller fool t ey identify *it % &elie'ing it to &e * o and * at t ey are. "nd * en someone is demoralised enoug to end it all% or dies due to t e endless distraction% decoys% arassment% not loo$ing * ere t ey s ould &e% t e ego laug s all t e more% as t e lig t gro*s dimmer% anot er imagined enemy &ites t e dust% its matrix% (syc otic (rison (lanet 6ust a little more rigid% inesca(a&le% @secure@. / e c i((yguy (oints out someone across t e street% a &londe *oman standing &y a car from t e roadside% a&out to o(en t e door, I turn &ac$ around slo*ly% I don@t li$e to stare. ES e@s out e'ery nig t%F e says% Eas if s e@s finis ed *it someone.F "ll I can offer u( is t at s e@s young% attracti'e, s e may as *ell a'e fun. -ut it@s interesting e notices er, I $ne* t ey noticed t ings. Perce(tion can &e 'ery selecti'e t oug . S e5d came in and leaned o'er t e counter% s o*ing er clea'age e says% or *ords to t at effect% 6o$es a&out ru&&ing oil on t em% so I mimic t at, I@m going along *it t e ra((ort ere% as *ell as esta&lis ing I@m not gay% forgetting t ey@'e (ro&a&ly seen me *it " around t e corner, not t at it means muc necessarily% &ut s e is a *oman% sort of 7 t e last time I *as t ere s e *as ma$ing t at disgusting sound of trying to get rid of &loc$ed sinuses, not &y &lo*ing% &ut doing it t e o((osite *ay% and &latant a&out it s e *as too% a&solutely no finesse, a&out as muc c arm and &reeding as a retarded (lastic &uc$et. -ut s e5s &asically nice enoug % is &ot a fool and no&ody5s fool% and as outstanding tits. <ot t at I5'e e'er ad my ands on t em% or tried. / ese are my c oices% and not e'en t at, t is is my lifeG / an$ ! rist it@s all an illusion% a mass delusion. <o *onder t ey@re de(ressed, I@d fuc$ing $ill myself too if I t oug t t is *as real. <o *onder t ey loo$ for sca(egoats% t e =t is *orld is all t ere is@ &rigade. I@d &e a friendly+neig &our ood serial $iller myself if I t oug t t is *as

3>4

all t ere is too% and not only t at% &ut someone mig t &e ta$ing it a*ay from me% t e little security I t in$ I a'e% if t at. / e irony% t e (aradox is% I can use itLt em for my material% all =grist for t e mill5 in t e (rocess of trying to destroy me, t e 0atrix is my oyster. Cey% ere@s Jesse 4entura in / e Running 0an, t ere are a fe* regulars t at *ere in Predator too% or *ent on to it% &ot films from @MK. Ric ard -ac man it said 7 a$a Ste( en )ing% &ases /R0 on t e no'el. In ye olde c i((ys o((ie% I ear a car outside% loo$ around, it@s a dar$ redLmaroon% 1+turning. I remar$ on it, t e c i((y &lo$e says it@s er. I adn@t noticed t e colour of t e car s e *as standing &y earlier. / is may *ell &e coincidence% e'en if it asn5t a((ened for ours eit er *ay% from &eing t ere, you figure it out. I as$ im * ere e@s from% as intended, actually% I as$% stu(idly% if e@s Italian. Ce@s Sout "frican. I mention t e 2renc +"lgerian I met &ac$ in t e early <oug ties% recalling it as I tell im% t at I *as at 4ictoria Station% no% t e &us station and got into con'ersation *it er% so t at &y t e time t e &us came 7 *e *ere getting t e same one as it turned out% as s e *as going &ac$ u( to Scotland too% "&erdeen% *e sat toget er, it *as dar$ &y t is time or soon *as% &y * ic time *e ad a &lan$et o'er eac ot er% and $issed and fum&led% felt and generally an$y+ (an$y@d for most of t e 6ourney% agreeing to *rite% meet u( later. S e came t roug as a 'irgin% stayed a fe* days% seemed intent on getting me to say I5d marry er% dro'e me u( t e *all *it er (etty% tri'ial (ersonality% left still a 'irgin% and t at *as t e end of it, I *as glad s e *as gone. S e *asn@t so &ad, 6ust a &it 'acuous. / e (erfect future =gs5 fodder% come to t in$ on it. <ot t at I told im ;uite all t is lot. EIasLS e *as &eautifulGF E<o%F I said% t en ;uic$ly recalled e@d said e *as from "lgeria% so added ES e *as all rig t% ad a good figure%F * ic s e did% slim and round% &utt+*ise. I didn@t get to add t at I didn5t get 'ery far *it er% for s e *as =$ee(ing er 'irginity5 for t e =rig t man5% er future us&and% ne'er mind t at I ad a facefull of (oonany% as "li . mig t say. "nd I 6ust lo'ed t e s a(e of t ose i(s...

3>>

" younger cou(le ad come in. I (ut / e #aily "rse*i(eLStar &ac$% I adn@t ad a c ance to read any*ay% *ondered * et er I s ould a'e sauce% red% in case I ung around outside% sitting &y t e *indo*% let t e asses (ass% &ut $ne* I *anted to get &ac$% or stay on my feet any*ay% alert% misc ie'ous% fuc$ *it t e fuc$*its% as (er usual * en I@'e ad ade;uate slee(. I &oug t some extras% rolls% mil$% c ocolate =coo$ies5% food scarce in t e flat no*% *as 3>( s ort% said I@d gi'e im it tomorro*% e *as fine% I leftQ Some &int *it t*o dogs a matter of feet a*ay from me% clearly timed. If I adn@t &een in suc a good mood I@d a'e antici(ated it% or more accurately% if I@d felt less in i&ited &y t e (resence of t e cou(le% I@d a'e stalled for a minute% antici(ated it% e'en remar$ed on it% t e earlier t e &etter. I sto(, I@d li$e to smac$ t ese smug &ints and &astards% t ese idiot 6oggers% &ut t at@s almost * at t ey *ant% $no*ing I@d scre* myself u( &ig time, It@d defeat my o*n (ur(ose in any case% 'irtual con'ictions no*% not to mention reinforce t eir (ro6ections% t e cle'er &ut insane (eo(le. Het er t in$ I@m stum(ed% &am&oo?led% stymied% &affled% &lan$ly infuriated 7 * ate'er. E#id you see a little * ite dog go &y t is *ayGF I say. I almost said &lac$ and red% and not for t e first time, t at *ould gi'e t e game a*ay (rematurely. )@s dog do*nstairs from me came to mind% t e (artial origin of t is s it. E<o%F s e says. E...Riding a &i$eGF I add. S e turns around% a'ing $e(t *al$ing% a not &ad if (le&&y+loo$ing &int, it isn@t al*ays t e case. S e turns around to loo$ at me% (artially re(eats it% smiling as s e does% to not gi'e t e game a*ay. S e5d confused me *it an idiot li$e erself. "n interesting mix of emotions for er% t e frustrated actress% t e failed *ould &e -eyonce+cum+)ylie or * ate'er cra( s e li$es% imagines is *ort dreaming a&out% as(iring to. I@m guessing / e Jesus Hi?ard or e'en -o*ie *ouldn5t &e at t e to( of er list% or any of t ese (eo(le% t e umatons% t e &orn Insiders as(ire to. -ecause s e interru(ted I forget to add: Iearing a trac$suitG I fuc$ a&out a &it *al$ing do*n t e street% sto((ing *ell s ort of t e four corners for #unedin St% circle around a random

3>B

car near t e ru&&is &in, I@m &ac$trac$ing again% re'erse% ear a car% * ate'er% (artially o&scure myself &y cutting in &et*een a communal &in and (ar$ed carL'an% ste( out slig tly% for a closer loo$ as *ell as to ma$e it clear I antici(ated it. It@s more often a &i$e% as it is t is time% as it *as on t e *ay u( after t e 6ogger% in a reddy+maroon to( 7 t ey must t in$ t ey@re so inscruta&le% * en it@s a clear gi'ea*ay. I@m &ac$ on t e (a'ement% same again% anot er car% t en a 'an &e ind 7 I adn@t seen it% or *as it 'ice 'ersaG I ate'er t e case% I@m &ac$ *atc ing% cons(icuously% li$e t em. It *as a *oman in t e car% &londis again. S e notices me, t ey &ot slo* do*n at t e same time% s e goes on to (ar$% t e 'an sto(s% re'erses 7 (arallel to * ere I *ould &e ex(ected to &e 8come to t in$ on it9 7 *al$ing% reac ing t e corner% &ut I@m still standing t ere, t ey come &ac$% a matter of yards, t ere@s t ree of t em% a lot of longis air% a &eard% one grins inanely% (er a(s t e dri'er% as e loo$s% as if e ex(ected it all along. The strate y' the style' such as it is for it to work for Them more effectively' is not to hesitate( $ut if it doesn't' if it's anticipated' it's all the more o$vious. / ey go on to (ar$% &e ind t e first car% or as near as. I *al$ off do*n my street a good &it% alert% loo$ &ac$% t ey@re all toget er% tal$ing to t e *oman * o *as in front% to eac ot er% t ey $no* eac ot er, t ey all 6ust decided to go to t e c i(s o( toget er for some reason% en masse so to say. <ot exactly an economic conser'ation of energy. "n excellent meta( or for t is * ole orses it )it and )a&oodle. 2unds for t em% as al*ays% seem to &e unlimited. It isn@t a&out economics, it@s a&out ideologues% fascism% getting rid of @3utsiders@% @ma'eric$s@% and inde(endent minds. / ey $no* t eir o*n. / is &ag of s ite e'ery time% for t e sim(lest excursion or errand, * at s ould ta$e a matter of minutes% less t an a alf+ our. " car comes into t e street% I stic$ out my arm% (oint t e camera at it in t e distance, I ear it dri'e around &e ind me% (ossi&ly a 1+turn% I don@t &ot er loo$ing around. Still (issed off at not antici(ating t e dogs% o*e'er ;uic$ on t e u(ta$e I *as% I sit &ac$ in my c air at t e close% dra*n in again% su&6ecti'ely in'ol'ed% 6ust *illing a minion to a((ear. I en a car comes I time it to get u( at t e same time as it (asses% *al$ along a &it t e

3>K

ot er *ay% to*ards t e *or$s5 entrances 7 a (lum(is Indian *oman loo$s at me from t e car, not &ad+loo$ing% t*o of t em, I turn &ac$% some fat fuc$ is outside t e social clu& again% smo$ing of course. I sit do*n% eye im for a &it% get u(% get my $ey out% o(en t e main door% close it% come &ac$% e@s gone% t e t*er(. I sit do*n again, anot er car, I *ait% get u(% a &lo$e is (assing% *al$ing along a &it in time *it t e car% so I do t e same as im% come &ac$% I@m earing re''ing from t e car*as again. Some t*on$ is re''ing% dri'ing around e'ery no* and again. Ias I su((osed to ear t is from t e flatG #id e t in$ I@d *al$ &y againG I@ll *al$ along% c ec$ t e gate, yes% one side of it is o(en% all t e s(ace e needs, I@'e &een *atc ing taxis as t ey ?i( out% loo$ing to startle meL it me, t is after my door+s(oofing% going to t e *indo* 7 t oug anot er time I *ent to t e &in% *aited% out came t e taxi% no on$L*arning of course, I gi'e im t e finger. I mentioned it earlier, no* it@s a different context. -ut its all t e same old cra(, I don@t a'e to @(ro'e@ it all, I need only do so once, it@s all 6ust 'ariations on a t eme% a closed loo(. I@m *ell sic$ of it, t at@s t e idea, t ey ne'er are% for it@s sadistic fun% done in rotation &et*een t em% tens% undreds (ossi&ly% ot er*ise it *ould 6ust &e tedious for t em too% *ouldn5t itG Ca'ing to do all t at running around% t e same old scams% gaslig ting% t eir cra((y little street+t eatre% and% any*ay% (rotracting it is integral to t e confidence tric$% its success% ma$ing it more difficult to finger any s(ecific (erson or e'en grou(% * ile t ey c oose &et*een t em * o does t e set+u(s% $no*ing t ere@s only one (erson% one target to finger% * ile t e rest of course% a'e not ing to do *it it% mere innocent &ystanders% good mem&ers of t e community -org going a&out t eir &usiness% * ile you% t e no&ody% t e (aria % *aste yours in com(arison% (roducing not ing% su((osedly% exce(t delusions% (aranoia% t e fe'ered imaginings of a deluded% e'en deranged% mind% t e t*on$s. QI loo$ into t e car*as , t ere@s a car% &ut I can@t see anyone% t en I see an arm on t e steering * eel, I@'e loo$ed =too long5% e gets out% &ald% t irties% as$s EDea GF I ignore im% turn my &ac$ on im% and turn around again, e as$s% E!an I el(

3>M

youGF I5m allo*ed to &e t ere% loo$ing around, I could &e *aiting on someone% as e is 7 for me% o*e'er incidentally, e@s too ;uic$% too $een% t e t*at, al*ays a gi'ea*ay. Ce re(eats it% o&'iously not li$ing &eing ignored. I say% EI at t e ell are you tal$ing a&outGF ma$e it clear I@m not &uying it for a moment% cut t roug t e cra(% turn t e ta&les. E!an you I el( youGF I as$% &ut t e inflection slig t. E<o I can@tF 8I didn@t t in$ so9. EDou can@t el( me t enF I add. E/ at@s rig tF e says% somet ing li$e t at. EDea F I say% loudly% as e@s getting &ac$ in t e car% $no*ing e5d *anted t e last *ord. 0ore time+*asting orsecra(. I go &ac$% sit do*n in my c air% e5s t ere at t e side no*% in front of t e gates of t e car*as % sees me% (auses% ta$es out is mo&ile% turns is &ac$Q so I ( otogra( im% get u(% am a&out to (ut t e c air in t e =garden5% &ac$ * ere itLI *as% &ut o(en ourLt e main door again% come &ac$% sit do*n, a car comes in% dri'es into t e car*as . 0ay&e I *as interru(ting a drug deal. I get u(% ta$e t e c air in% dum( t e groceries in t e $itc en% s(ot a figure outside% facing me at t e edge of t e nearest *or$s (a'ement, I go straig t to t e *indo* and o(en it, a *oman% *it t*o dogs 7 a, $ee( me guessing% &ut too late you su(ercilious &itc % for ere I am% u(stairs% not sitting do*nstairs * ile you (ass at t e last minute% t e last second. "gain% a matter of inter(retation% t oug it must loo$ almost intentional on my (art. !all it a matter of (ractice% intuition. Eit er *ay% it@s still irrele'ant, t is unuttera&ly tedious% tri'ial cra(% day in day out. / e t oug t t at it@s murder% t e @greatest@% most final% incontro'erti&le act of all% must ma$e it exciting for t em% &ring it all to life% so to s(ea$. I@m ere to s(oil it. I ate'er t e outcome. "nd any*ay% Jesus already did t at% &ig time. "ll t ey do is re(eat t e crucifixion% a (ast t at ne'er a((ened. In s ort% t ey li'e in a dream *orld. I ile sitting in t e c air% I *as mulling o'er t is &usiness *it t e first t*o dog+*omen% among ot er t ings. 8Cey% I forgot to say =I o let t e dogs outG5 / en again% as a local% s e mig t c oose to get stro((y9. / at e'en if I adLdo say anyt ing a&out it% it@s easy to not get it exact. I could ex(ect a &i$e% a dog or t ree, t e intention is all t e same to me% &ut ot ers *on@t see it

3>N

t at *ay. / ere@s a *ay round it 7 if I can &e &ot ered% t e t oug t it gets me no* ere or *orse. I need sim(ly *rite it do*n. I ate'er% * oe'er a((ears% I can go straig t &ac$ in% say: c ec$ t is out. / e tem(tation is to focus on t e (erson concerned% ironically 7 t e 'ery (erson to co'erLt it u(% not to mention t e (erson least li$ely to &e sym(at etic, t ese are t e (eo(le loo$ing to get you into trou&le. It &ecomes clear% as I@'e mentioned% t at t e organised 'illage idiots% from council to co(s% treat ot er% @alternati'e@ information as if it@s non+existent. / ey not unconcerned *it ideas% t e message, t ey@re concerned *it &odies% t e (erson% and t eir influence or ot er*ise. If you@re a no&ody% a'e no officially sanctioned% recognised ;ualifications from% and of t e system 7 * ic are only t ere as carrots to (ro'e o* muc you &oug t into its &rain*as ing% not e'en a middling ig +(rofile media (resence or career% you@re scre*ed, t ey@ll scre* you% t ey@'e &een at it for years. / ey@ll fine you% loc$ you u(. I t in$ Jesus *arned us a&out t is. Suffice it to say% t e Internet is irrele'ant if you are in t eir eyes. -ut * at t ey don@t li$e is intelligence% discernment from t e target% t e (atsy t emsel'es, t at@s * y a (atsy5s a (atsy, you5re not su((osed to $no* * at@s going on% you5re not su((osed to &e ca(a&le of @figuring it out5. "ll / ey can say at &est% is t at t e (erson got t e information from t e net, so% &y inference% t e information is as irrele'ant% useless% misguided% as t e target is. It5s all of a $ind 7 =information5 for no&odies $y no&odies, unli$e =*e ;ualified (rofessionalsQ5 In t e lig t of undreds of t ousands of re(orts% t e testimony of 2-I * istle&lo*ers% tens of articles &y #e&ora #u(re% &oo$s &y targeted indi'iduals suc as 0ar$ Ric % ot ers% t eir co'er is &lo*n% t eir glo&al agenda re'ealed for t e egomaniacal scam it is% and al*ays *as it seems% t at only a &unc of (syc o(at s could e'er &elie'e *ould succeed in t e long term% as *ell as t e s ort+term minded minion num&s$ulls% t e useful idiots% * o collude in (utting it into (ractice% doing t e &idding of t e 'ery (eo(le out to seal t eir fate% el(ing (ut in (lace t e (rison matrix around t em. Peo(le really are t at stu(id. / ey refuse to see t e *ood for t e trees% &ecause t ey@re too (etty% 'icious+minded to

3B0

recognise t eir o*n (ro6ections% t e (retexts for t eir o*n un a((iness and resentments% loo$ing for ot ers to &lame &ecause t ey don@t a'e it all% t at t eir li'es are &oring and s it% t eir minds and emotions stagnant% one+dimensional% tra((ed in t e narcissistic t rall of t e ego &y t eir o*n c oices. #amn% I didn@t e'en finis 2riday@s account% not to mention *riting a&out !I@s intro to I oleness and /ranscendence. /omo% I o(e. I *as a&out to do it until I realised o* late it is no*. -etter to *rite a&out it fres . / is art on t e 0ound notion is going to t e dogs% no allusion intended% &ut I li$e it. I *ant to read more of Iilliam -oyd@s 3rdinary / understorms &efore I@m too slee(y. "nd I@m really stiff, I need to exercise a &it. " *al$ *ould &e good% &ut it@s ne'er t at sim(le, t at5s * y I get so muc (ressure in so little s(ace% literally and meta( orically. / e c i(s o( is t e nearest, t ey inter(ret t at as a ca(itulation% as is staying in. "ll t e more reason to ma$e t e &est of alerting t em falsely, I a'e e'ery 'ariation on o(ening my front door t at one can imagine% from full o(enings and closings% to going do*nstairs and o(ening and closing t e main door and not going out% to t e slig test int of o(ening my door 7 t at *as * en a &i$e ?i((ed &y t e ot er day. I $no* t ey t in$ I@m trying to =snea$5 out% t e self+inflated fuc$*its. It@s nice to ma$e my o*n little amusements. / ey suffer from t eir o*n unrelenting ?ealousness. Het@s do it no*... Tuesday / e -S $ee(s on coming &ut I $ee( rig t on going. "s it s(reads t roug e'ery generation% stuc$ in its re(eating loo(% it@ll outlast me% &ut my *riting *ill outlast t em% I@m reasona&ly sure. / e t oug t &e ind it *ill. I dou&t t ere *ill e'er &e a statue &uilt to me% &ut no one e'er &uilt a statue to t e minions eit er% or *ill. / ey do &uild t em and gi'e <o&el Peace Pri?es to t e instigators t oug % or t e (u((ets * o see it t roug . Ragnees L3s o *as ilarious on 0ot er /eresa% saying s e@s a criminal. Ce@s rig t in o* e descri&ed t e ty(ical arrogant assum(tions of t e @religious@. It@s t e same for most scientists too% of course.

3B1

I *atc ed Collo* 0an again% starring )e'in -acon and a female * ose name I can@t recall% &ut s e@s 'ery c arming% (retty. I couldn5t e'en remem&er o* t e film ended% * ic *as (erfect, a com(lete &lan$. Ce =loses it5% goes (o*er mad% t oug one of is (als does ma$e t e (oint% if earlier% remar$ing on * at t e military mig t do *it it if t ey got t eir ands on it 7 t e (o*er of in'isi&ility. "s I say% e loses it% gi'es in to fantasy% and indulges in ra(e and murder after feeling u( one of is colleagues% t oug it@s tric$y% misleading% *it t e odd fantasy se;uenceLdream% cle'er stuff. <one of t is *as e'er in C . Iells@ In'isi&le 0an no'el% t oug t ere is / e 0emoirs of an In'isi&le 0an% &y E C Saint% ironically% t e no'el on * ic t e film *it ! e'y ! ase *as &ased% a sort of comedy t riller *it lo'e interest% not ing too un* olesome. I don@t $no* o* fait ful it is to t e no'el, I ne'er read it% only getting t roug t e first c a(ter% * ic *as good% &efore allo*ing myself to get distracted. I5ll a'e anot er go some% (er a(s * en life is less fraug t% if t ere e'er is suc a time. I used to imagine t e sexual (ossi&ilities of in'isi&ility in my teens% as imaginati'e teens *ill. " tense (eriod% no (un intended. Per a(s it@s a fantasy more common to literary ty(es% t oug t e notion seems to me as arc ety(ical as Su(erman. In'isi&leman, t e man of feel. / at *as certainly Collo* 0an. I t in$ most $ids a'e (ro&a&ly indulged in suc fantasies, t at it@s more common t an one mig t su((ose% as is 'oyeurism% arson% stal$ing% (retty muc e'eryt ing t e e'eryday citi?en (refers to &elie'e% as *ell as (retend% is t e sole (ro'ince of extremists: (syc o(at s% serial $illers% firemen% am&ulance cre*s% (olice% taxi dri'ers etc. 7 my little 6o$e% &ut accurate. I ile I recall% t ere *as a fireman from *ay &ac$ * en named Samuel 2urnace% a (rolific arsonist. 3ne day t is &lending into t e foreground &usiness% iding in (lain sig t is finally going to sin$ in, it co'ers most fuc$ed u( (rofessions and t e im(ostors * o (ractice t em. "not er reason t e *orld is in suc a mess. / e stal$ing minions are a ty(ical exam(le, t ey don@t (re'ent terrorism% crime% t ey are terrorists% criminals. If it *asn@t t e o((osite of * at it claims to &e from t e outset% it certainly

3B2

&ecomes it% as any fule $no. / e @do+gooders@ are t e socio(at s. -ig sur(rise, ain@t it al*ays t e *ay. It is to anyone *it a modicum of discernment% &ut as al*ays% t e ma6ority are one+ dimensional% sim(listic+minded fools. I su((ose t at@s * y I@m a *riter% * ate'er a((ens% * ile t ey *aste t eir days cycling around *it nary a real t oug t or (ur(ose in t eir ead * ile t ey &elie'e t ey@re (olicing t e uni'erse% $ee(ing a fuc$ed+u( *orld in =order5% a corru(t city of c ancers and co*&oys 7 same *it all t ese dic$s and c ic$s in cars and t e rest% follo*ing t eir dum&s it .PS messages 8as *it t e 6oggers etc.9% t in$ing t ey@re smarter t an smart% t e &ees $nees in t eir res(lendent <HPLsatanic red and &lac$% timing it to &e t ere for 6unctions% intersections% corners% or *asting t eir li'es sitting in cars% 'ans% all for t e sa$e of some silly =artificial sync ronicity5 orses it% &ecause it @*or$s@% sends a message on so many le'els. Des% * at it says is t at you@re ood*in$ed &y a((earances% a'e ne'er learned to t in$ for yourself or t in$ at all% t at you t in$ in t e s ort+term% &elie'ing life is meaningless in any case% nor is t ere muc to loo$ for*ard to in t is one, all a (retext% a (ro6ection of your o*n des(air and o(elessness. 3 you t oug t e'eryone &uys into your tediously self+rig teous @ olier t an t ou@ -S act% 6ust &ecause a corru(t% (syc o(at ic% insane go'ernment says you@re im(ortantG I su((ose if one sees e'eryt ing in terms of &odies% it5s 6ust a matter of a'ing enoug to agree *it you. 3ne &ody@s o(inion as is as good or irrele'ant as anot er. .o'ernments come and go% and t e <I3 -S *ill &e no different% and so *ill you and your $ind. / e (oets and artists and t e rest *ill stay% in one form or ot er% for t e mind is one% so'ereign. / e ego% t e false self% your delusion of false autonomy can@t li'e *it out it t oug it5s no life to s(ea$ of. Dou@re t e dead% emotionally sterile. 0ost (eo(le *ouldn@t 6oin suc a mediocre% t*isted enter(rise e'en if t ey can% t at@s * y you5re only a (ercentage of t e (o(ulation% in any to*n% any street. 0ost% little &etter% still recognise% e'en $no* encroac ing totalitarianism * en t ey see it% t e insidious% in'idious cree( of t e fascist state.

3B3

/ ere@s a &enefit to t is arassment% t e orses it too tri'ial to $ee( u( *it 7 as long as you $no* * at@s going on% * at t e agenda is. .aslig ting can@t ;uite &e called t at if you know it@s gaslig ting. / at means t ey@'e lost any element of sur(rise% of truly dra*ing you in, t e agenda of any narcissist% (syc o(at , encouraging t em to indulge in t eir emotional sadism. / ey don@t sto( 'oluntarily, t eir &asic moti'ation is deat % destruction. / e insane don@t really &elie'e t ey5re insane. It s ould come as no sur(rise a to*n% a city% a nation can &e narcissistic% (syc o(at ic% (ersonality disordered 7 generally in a &ad *ay altoget er% organising t emsel'es and t e rest of t eir mind+ disordered% fundamentally deranged (o(ulation into a (lanned% met odical force of snea$ily indirect aggressi'e acts% a co'ert agenda of genocide in (lain sig t. Ca'ing t em in official uniforms% neat suits and aircuts% loo$ing after t e $ids 7 al*ays *it t e $ids 7 res(onsi&le (ositions% com(any cars% &ig*igs and &ig rigs and t e rest% doesn@t automatically confer emotionally mature adult status% * ate'er t at is exactly. / ere5s 'ery fe* of t ose around% and it certainly ain@t t em. Just as$ Ja$e Corsley. I@m still *andering o* t e ec$ e could &e so accurate, it@s 'irtually (ro( etic% t oug clearly t is as &een going on for decades. It@s (ro&a&ly al*ays &een around, (olitical systems c ange% s ift% if only in form, it@s al*ays &een on t e cards% t e agenda% for it to materialise in force% if co'ertly in t e meantime% until / ey@'e consolidated t eir (o*er% until t ey can &e truly o'ert a&out it% * en t e (olice state rules% t e ro&ot mind% is all t ere is% o*e'er deranged it all is. Pic$nett and Prince *ere correct t e * ole time, it@s anot er form of fundamentalism see$ing to get rid of ! ristianity% loc$ stoc$ and &arrel% t oug t e real target and goal% o*e'er deranged% delusory% is to &lot .od from memory% us ering in an unconscious% &ut often o'ertly satanic @religion@. / ey@re &asically Satanists, Jesus is anat ema to t em. Part of t is is t e goal to us er in t e @Iorld /eac er@% t e su(ergodli$e &lo$e * o@s an =im(ro'ement5 on Jesus, e5s Jesus% -udd a% and all t e rest rolled into one% a $ind of su(er otc (otc t at *ill a((eal to t e undiscerning fait ful% t e unconsciously ego+defensi'e% t e

3B4

second+rate% t e self+decei'ers. It all comes to a form of fundamentalism% t e @anti+! rist5% Satanism in t e end% t e *ors i( of false idols. "s *it t e =gs5 minions% rig t u( to t e =Elite5% it@s &asically a cult 7 a satanic cult. <ot t at Satan is real% &ut many of t em &elie'e in it, t ey@re as literalist as t e clic Td religions% t e ! urc t ey des(ise. / e meta( orical is not t eir forte% exce(t in terms of mind+control% mani(ulation% tric$s and games. =See ya% *ouldn@t *anna &e ya5. "not er reason to see t e galactics and t eir offs oots% messages% as sus(ect. =E'en t e de'il *ill cite scri(ture5. I 6ust *is I didn@t en6oy t eir messages so muc % find t em so u(liftingO -ut again% *e5ll find out soon, t ey@'e (romised @"scension@. I@ll &elie'e it * en it a((ens. It@s a ma6or disa((ointment for me, It@s almost catastro( ic% emotionally% or could &e% I *as sooooooo loo$ing for*ard to it. / ere@s still a (art of me t at li'es in o(e * en it comes &ac$ to mind% t at t e 0ayan !alendar date is still to come% *e a'en@t (assed it yet. -ut it@s a 'ery small o(e no*% a 'irtually miniscule one% after )en Ia(nic$ made is ;uite recent (ronouncements on 2012 in general. If anyt ing% it@s a ma6or miscalculation on my (art, no sign of t e minions dissol'ing a la Iar of t e Iorlds% t e rema$e% as yet% H3H. "nd it doesn@t loo$ li$e it@s going to a((en eit er. I@m more concerned a&out =getting it toget er5 8man9 7 getting my s it toget er% as t ey say% t an &elie'ing some ;uasi+cosmic galactic e'ent in tandem *it a &unc of @s(ace gods@% o*e'er colossal t eir num&ers and forces% are going to sa'e us% s(ecifically little ol@ me too% my o*n relati'ely recent sig ting of t em not *it standing% eit er. I say @t em@% &ecause I *as 'irtually on t eir (remises so to say% loo$ing out of t e *indo* of / e / eoso( ical Society at t e time% in .reat )ing Street% t e meeting (lace of S are International and discussions of t e Iorld /eac er% t oug t ey don@t say muc a&out -en6amin !rYme% t e main s(o$esman for t em% and t e I/. -! (u&lis es lots of &oo$s, t ey recommended I read one or t*o, t ey5re a'aila&le to do*nload for free on t e net. P)# *as loo$ing into t em Lt e I/ as a genuine (ossi&ility in is &elief t e Second !oming *as immanent% so I do feel a sense of continuity ere% of related

3B>

t emes% ex(erience% if I sur'i'e it all. I a'e t e essay &y R"I 7 Ro&ert "nton Iilson on P)# 7 P ili( ) #ic$ 7 in mind% (u&lis ed n 0agical -lend 0aga?ine in 1NMN% t oug I came to it years later. R"I also mentions #ic$@s s(eculations% more of a con'iction% of a fascist ta$eo'er% so su&tle% co'ert% t at fe* (eo(le $no* it@s a((ening until t e (olice state is u(on us. It@s clear to many t at t is is * at@s a((ening no*% t oug t e =gs5L =no touc 5 co'ert torture5 as(ect is less *ell $no*n% it@s suc a cree(y% nasty &usiness. /argets aren@t su((osed to &e ent usiastic% tenacious% 'irtually o&sessi'e *riters * o identify t emsel'es *it P)# and a (let ora of ot ers% a'ing related ex(eriences too% on &ot an ontological% meta+transcendent le'el as *ell as (olitical% o*e'er localised. It@s still a glo&al ( enomenon% intended to inder% alt% demoralise and &asically destroyLmurder undreds of t ousands of targets 6udged as @enemies of t e state@% o*e'er distorted% (aroc ial. It@s t e rise of fascism as #ic$ (redicted% t e unting do*n of t e mutants% t e @*eirdoes@% t e @3utsiders@% t e @*asters@Luseless eaters% t e trou&lema$ers% nonconformists% t e outs(o$en * o long ago learned to see t roug t e narcissistic &ulls it and dissociation% t e destructi'e% deat +lo'ing mindset it stems from and t e contagion of atred it s(reads.

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I did &uy a mount cutter. It cost o'er V30. I *as in t*o minds *it t e anot er one for V20% &ut t is one cuts a &e'el edge &ot *ays% meaning I can run it u( and do*n% li$e t e old 3lfa matt+ cutter I still a'e. 1nfortunately t ey don@t ma$e t e &lades any more for t em% or t at5s t e last I eard% years &ac$. / ere *as anot er com(any * o (roduced single+sided &lades for t eir o*n mounts t at 6ust a((ened to fit t e 3lfa5s% &ut t ey seem to a'e 'anis ed no* too. / e one I &oug t for V1B mont s &ac$% mysteriously 'anis ed 8I came across it later * en I tidied u(. I ne'er did find t e camera t oug 99. I *as 6ust t in$ing% in t e $itc en earlier% * ile ma$ing my tea 7 eating u( some c ic$en $orma I got for a ;uarter of t e full+(rice 7 t at it *ould &e 6ust li$e me to come across it after s(ending V30 on a ne* one. -ut I dou&t it, I@m sure it5s gone t e *ay of t e (re'ious camera. / ese snoo(ing t ie'es, t ey@re not su((osed to nic$ targets5 stuff% you see% &ecause t ey@re not criminals, t e targets are. Just more of t eir self+ser'ing -S. It also ser'es as sa&otage% indering me% eating into my finances. I can@t 'ery *ell carry &its and (ieces around *it me% t oug I al*ays ta$e t e camera *it me no*. I@d missed t e art s o( in #undas St so ad to go u(to*n% 6um(ed on a &us (ursued &y t e usual (osse of &i$es from e'ery angle, t at and a fat t*at cou(le in red lolling into 'ie* *it t eir dog at t e to( of t e 0ound &y t e side of t e Cig !ourt &uilding% * ere I@d see it% and t em, I adn@t noticed t ey *ere in red till I came &y, t ey *ere gi'ing me t e e'il redeye% anot er gi'ea*ay. <o need to guess ere. I *as ( otogra( ing left rig t and centre from t e &us, t e &ottom le'el. " t oug t ad come to me * ile ta$ing sna(s of red and &lac$ cyclists% motor&i$es: / at t e P/7 or t e P/I% as some (eo(le refer to t em, t e (o*ers t at *ere 7 can say% *ill say% do say% t at ta$ing ( otos can &e seen as sus(icious% denoting terrorist acti'ities. / ey can also say% certainly t e local con artists of t e !ity ! etc.% t at t e snoo(ers% t e sur'eillance teams% are necessary% =6ust doing t eir 6o&5 7 * en (syc iatrists and t e rest aren5t denying t eir existence% e'en t oug it@s in t e local and national (a(ers+ t e front (age% along *it council snoo(ing% interference etc.

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/ e 2-I descri&e it as =cons(icuous sur'eillance5 7 a con'enient and intentionally disingenuous eu( emism for t e unrelenting indirectLco'ert arassment% stal$ing% and (syc ological *arfareL(syo(s intended to induce ( o&ias% P/S#% de(ression% anxietyL(anic attac$s% and ultimately% suicide 8&ut sometimes it &ac$fires% t e target @acts out@% attem(ts to target some tormentors e'en, descri&ed as a lone s(ree+$illingLmassacre etc.9. /o record it is t e only *ay to catc t em out% ex(ose it for * at it is% in tandem *it documenting it t roug o&ser'ation% a log% a &log% * ate'er. / e P/- fig t against t is of course% citing... t at it causes fear and alarm% t at it@s @sinister@% o&trusi'e% (ossi&ly deranged% &ut mainly 'ery sus(ect, In s ort% t ey turn it on its ead% as a (retext to censor it% alt it. " 'icious circle% until t eir 'iciousness% t eir set+u(s get t e target in court% fined% incarcerated% * et er (rison or a mental @ os(ital@% &asically emasculate t em% it t em * ere it urts% * et er t eir re(utation or lac$ of it% t eir finances or &ot 7 t e lot% it@s all of a $ind% it ta$es t e (erson out of commission% t eir a&ility to influence% learn% inform ot ers. / ey don@t e'en a'e to censor t e Internet% t ey can &loc$ indi'iduals from t e net% censor t em. 3ne could say ig definition film is all t ey *ould acce(t as e'idence of suc a situationLstate of affairs 7 &ut also (recisely * at t ey endea'our to (re'ent. 3r sim(ly refuse to loo$ at or e'en consider it. E'en ta$ing notes% an o&'ious aid to memory% e'idence% is con'eniently designated as indicating (ossi&le terrorist acti'ity 8as is retracing one5s ste(s to a'ert% sideste( or second+guess t e unrelenting arassment% stal$ing. / is isn@t a((enstance, it@s designed t at *ay% to slot neatly into t eir agenda% set u( for t em to inter(ret as t ey see fit. I got &ac$ on t e net at t e "rt Hi&rary% .eorge I4 -ridge. I *anted to c ec$ out /*itter again% email, it@s &een too long% I still a'en@t (aid my &ill yet. Co* else *ould I a'e got t is all t is *riting doneG "nd I a'e to sto( for a &it. I *as su((osed to &e cutting mounts for later tomoLtoday% get some out t ere. I en t ey@re done t ey@re done% I only a'e to re(lace * at sells 8if any9% so its stu(id not to. Det ere I am% as soon as I &egin% I ma$e a late nig tmorning of it. -ut I *on@t go for fifteen (ages

3BM

* ate'er% no*. I@ll a'e a s o*er% it5s 'ery clammy, *as my air% a'e a s a'e * ile / e ! ess Records Story is still on. Hots of gs -S earlier todayLyesterday 7 it@s almost >am no*. Really (iling it on. It@s &ecome a((arent again t at t ey@re trying to (ro'o$e a reaction. / is is &ecause t e (t& discuss and decide on my @case@% t e last ( otogra( ing stint% alarming t e (lants% t ere (recisely for t at (ur(ose% to $e @alarmed@% ne'er mind t eir (syc o minion associates loo$ing to catc L cli( me at 6unctions% corners as al*ays% t e sensitisation -S *it t e red% t e 6oggers &e ind me% in front% around corners, t ey lo'e t at% at corners too% inside% as I come around t em, e'ery 'ariation on t eir re(eating loo(% ?i((ing &y% t e endless (etty &ut co'ert orses it. I (issed a red car yo& off% e and is stu(id * ite ca(% t is in !laremont Street% &y stic$ing out my t um& exaggeratedly as e timed it to &e t ere as I *as crossing from one corner to t e ot er 8t e constant suggestion t ey can turn in at s(eed if t ey c oose9 came &y. I didn@t see im or t e silly gs ca( till e sto((ed% (o((ed is ead out t e *indo*: E!are in t e community% is itGF 7 s outs% a &ig grin% confident% o*ns t e (lace 8&ut miffed9. " 'ery o&'ious gi'ea*ay. EIs t at youGF 8Dou mean yourselfG9 I as$Lsay. Ce@s aggressi'e% retorts loudly% somet ing li$e E"*ay ya go ya fuc$ing minger.F ! arming. I@m still t in$ing a&out t e care in t e community t ing. "gain% t e diametrical o((osite of * at t ey claim to &e% do% are. EDou couldn@t *i(e your o*n arse% ya *an$er% E I s out &ac$% *al$ off. !lassy. Stirred% &ut not s a$en. / is is a&out t e le'el of it. / e &ra'e @ne*@ *orld *e all a'e to loo$ for*ard to. I@m reminded of t e 2-I and /2" ta$ing do*n t eir trousers to moon t eir &ac$sides at t e -ranc #a'idians * ile t ey tortured t em aurally &efore t ey &urned t em and t eir c ildren ali'e. / e cultists are ali'e and *ell% al*ays a'e &een. / ere goes /!RS. I@ll still s o*er etc.% read more of 3rdinary / understorms. I@m coming u( to t e ome stretc . It@s &een great on t e * ole. <ot ing @cosmic@ or meta( ysical% 6ust a great no'el% no'elistically *ritten, a &rilliant t riller. It@s an interesting contrast. Ce as t e co(s% and an assassin after im. @/Is@ a'e =e'eryone5 after t em% (retending / ey@re

3BN

not% t at t ey@re cra?y. It may &e a far lo*er =le'el5L(riority% &ut it5s glo&al. / e goal is t e same, murder. It@s a rum old *orld. "nd you can ;uote me on t at. <ot muc sign of traffic *ardens today% oddly enoug . 3n 2riday (ast% &y t e time I@d got near t e to( of #undas St% a &int comes s ooting around t e corner% no (un intended, I a'e my ma$es ift =/I 6um(er5 on 8SEE "<D !D!HIS/S and J3..ERSG D31 IIHH9% so I turn around% run% s e@s @c asing@ me% o'erta$es as I a'oid some ot er (edestrians% sto(s at t e lig tsL6unction for t e traffic, I come running do*n% stam( my feet ea'ily as I go &y% t e corner@s too stee(% &ounce off a lam((ost as s e turns% carry along around t e corner into t e side street% *ide as t ey are in t e <e* /o*n% R H Ste'enson@s a&ode as a $id on t e ot er side% no* (lagued &y cyclists% red 'e icles% 6oggers% idiot *al$ers% and ot ers to * om literature% ideas are irrele'ant% exce(t insofar as it ri'ets t em to t e *orld% ma$es it real. =)ee(ing it real5% as t ey mig t say. !lueless &oo?e ounds. "nd t at stu(id =&oat5 on a car% cars e'ery* ere again% t e telltale a((earance last t ing on a corner% t e cretinous cle'ercunt.

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Wednesday 3ne ;uestion it raises is% o* can t ey &e &ot eredG " % &ut t ey can. It@s no ans*er to say t is is 6ust your imagination. It may *ell &e and is solely a (ro6ection of t e mind% ot ers% t e minions and mine too% &ut t at@s no reason to (retend it isn@t a((ening. I@'e already &een t roug t at stage in a sense. / e emotion of denial% t at says t is can@t (ossi&ly &e a((eningLreal. It isn't real% as t is isn@t reality% &ut t at@s no reason to (ut u( *it orses it or deny it@s ta$ing (lace. -ut * y do t ey do itG 3stensi&ly it@s all a distraction de'ice% as t at@s all t e ego is. It@s to distract us from t e real source of t e (ro&lem% * ic is in t e mind. / e *orld% t e gaslig ting of t e minions% t eir *orld of &odies% endless tric$s% games% is merely a smo$escreen% a di'ersion. I@'e said &efore and I@ll say it again% * ate'er el(s $ee( it in (ers(ecti'e. 1ltimately t e goal is murder. "s t e !ourse says% EI at is not lo'e is murder.F -ut t ey o&'iously &elie'e t ey5re doing good% t at t ey@re t e @good guys@. #on5t t ey al*ays. 3ne as to *onder * y t e =good5 guys *ould so 'ociferously em&race t e strategies of t e criminals and im(ostors. Jesus also says% E/rust not your good intentionsF in t e !ourse. / ey can &e mis(laced% stemming as t ey more t an li$ely come from t e ego. It a((lies to all of us% &ut t at@s more t an clear *it t is system. / ey@re not * at t ey claim to &e% nor are t e (eo(le t at fund it% * o claim to s(read democracy to t e *orld. It@s a matter of t e ego@s false em(at y% seeing (ro&lems out t ere in t e *orld% e'eryt ing it &elie'es it@s necessary to do somet ing a&out% t e (ercei'ed 'ictims in t e *orld and all its (ro&lems. / e (ro&lem is in t e mind * ere *e &elie'e *e 'ictimised .od and (ro6ected out a *orld in * ic to ide% t e &ody ser'ing t e same (ur(ose, all t ese fools * o t in$ t ey@re iding in (lain sig t% co'ertly murdering (eo(le for a good cause t roug (racticing t eir slo* $ill torture met ods as instructed% a'ing &ecome and &ecoming t e 'ery t ing t ey claim to &e defending against, t ey can@t t in$ for (eanuts% &ut t at@s no sur(rise as it@s t e ego t at t in$s for t em, as it does for me most of t e time% most of us. / e a((arent (ro&lems of t e *orld *ill ne'er &e sol'ed as long as *e continue to see t em as outside of

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oursel'es% and as long as *e &elie'e t ere *ill al*ays &e exce(tions. E'en my daily ex(erience demonstrates t ere@s a idden agenda going on% somet ing odder% meta( ysical e'en% as I@m touc ing on. I5d also loo$ed on it in terms of 2012 &efore% t e =moment of ;uantum a*a$ening5, t at% (er a(s t e P/- *ere also targeting certain (eo(le &ecause t ey understood t e more meta( ysical% meta(syc ological% =transcendental5 as(ects of t e current situation% t e increasing of t e 'i&rational fre;uencies us ering in t e =ne* *orld5 in t e midst of t e old% t is one, t oug again% it@s still a (ro6ection of t e mind% if a transformed (erce(tion. -ut t e idea *as t at may&e t e P/- are a*are t at t is is an interlin$ed mind% t at% as t e !arey material descri&es% *e don5t o(erate in ;uite t e same *ay as t e ( ysicalists% t e =*orlders5 7 not t at e or is sources use t ese terms 7 * o see and ex(erience e'eryt ing in terms of a&solute s(ecifics% num&ers% &odies, t erefore% it 7 fundamentally s(ecialness% t e illusory (o*er of t e ego% increases only in terms of addition% * ereas =t e 'i&rational fre;uencies of lo'e5 increase ex(onentially t roug eac =c annel5% e'ery uman &eing o(en+minded enoug to &ecome a conduit for t em. / at / ey see t is as a ma6or t reat. / roug my reading of Ic$e% ot ers% it seemed to me t e P/-% t roug t eir onslaug t on t e uman mindL&rainL&ody on e'ery le'el *ereLare attem(ting to &loc$ t e more (o*erful fre;uencies% in effect sto( =t e moment of ;uantum a*a$ening5% t e unfolding of =2012 e'ents5% t roug distracting% arassing and ultimately destroying t e uman conduits% t e @c annels@% * o% t roug t eir more rece(ti'e natures *ere% t oug not t e cause of suc an e'ent% *ere t e means of it. / e P/- a'e ot er ends in mind% anot er agenda, so t e end *ould al*ays 6ustify t e means% e'en if t at meant *i(ing out undreds of t ousands% (ossi&ly millions of (eo(le o'erall. I may &e less enamoured of t e li$eli ood of any 2012 e'ent e'er ta$ing (lace no*% if it e'er *as truly 'alid% &ut ma$e no mista$e a&out it% t is is a&out t e ego@s 7 and egos 7 8mostly unconscious outside of t e =Elite59 *ar on .od and anyone * o doesn5t s are suc a mindset% a*are of t e y(ocrisy% t e

3K2

do*nrig t insanity in'ol'ed in it. / e *orld *as made as a defence% a &attleground in any case% in * ic to ide from a .od *e &elie'e is out to get us &ecause *e murdered Cim &y se(arating from and stealing our reality from Cim &y ma$ing a *orld of &odies, no* *e a'e a *rat ful% 'engeful .od 'ictimising us% intent on unting us do*n% and * o *ill ne'er sto( until Ce5s destroyed e'ery last one of us. It5s ;uite a deadly fairy story t e ego as made u(% &ut *e do &elie'e it% in unconscious terms. Ie a'e no in$ling t e *orld is merely a (ro6ection% a smo$escreen of dreams and dream figures, t at t ere is literally not ing outside of oursel'es, no (ro&lems% no ot ers% no *orld. Pro6ecting out t is &i?arre% delusional scenario t at exists only in t e mind% *e see a *orld of 'ictims and 'ictimisers * ere t e only c oice is to $ill or &e $illed% * ere t ere is no ot er c oice% no *ay out, t e ego@s *orld. / at t ere is anot er *ay of loo$ing at it% ot er t oug t+systems% not 6ust t is one% of coming to realise t at *e@'e forgotten o* any of t is came a&out% * y t ere e'en is a *orld% is &ecause t e ego &lotted it out% t re* a 'eil o'er it all% so t at *e no* suffer from a =great amnesia5. Is it (ossi&le t e ego is no* consolidating its long+term strategy% of &lotting out .od altoget er% o*e'er insane and ultimately futile t at is% &y also unting do*n and rounding u( t e @sensiti'es@% t ose * o a'en@t succum&ed to t e matrix (syc ologically and emotionallyG / e situation is furt er com(licated% again% t roug (ro6ection as al*ays 7 it5s t roug (ro6ection t is * ole situation arose or seemed to arise 7 t roug many of t e @sensiti'es@% young *ould+&e self+actualisers in 0aslo*@s sense% ma$ing some of t eir o*n mista$es in terms of false em(at y, t eir tendency to get in'ol'ed *it rut less narcissists% (syc o(at s due to t eir $indly natures along *it a mis(laced sense of loyalty or (rotecti'eness in t at t ese (eo(le are so ade(t at (resenting themselves as t e @sensiti'es@% @fragile@% 'ictims% along *it a res(ecta&le% =res(onsi&le5 front. " situation t at can in effect% &ecome a (rison matrix in microcosm for t e *ell intentioned @creati'e@% t e 3utsider% in !I5s terms% t e em&ryo self+ actualisers. )ids ma$e it only t e more com(licated% &ecoming

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mere (a*ns for t e narcissists% t e @nice@ (erson@s mani(ulations of t eir (ersona and an extension and reci(ients of t eir unconscious atred% as muc t roug dissociation% loc$ing t e =genuinely creati'e5 into a situation t at is anat ema to t em in terms of finding t eir true (lace in t e *orld and t eir creati'e ex(ression in it% also a (otentially dangerous situation in terms of (ent+u( or frustrated =creati'e energies5 as t e (oet Iilliam -la$e $ne*. If t ey scre* u( in any *ay% ma$e mista$es 7 as muc due to t e mani(ulations and emotionalL(syc ological &lac$mail of t eir 'el'et ca(tor 7 t e 'indicti'e+minded narcissist% =unconsciously5 dedicated to deat and destruction% *ill ex(loit it% exaggerate it as far as t ey can% loo$ing to cause as muc trou&le as t ey% ma$e life as difficult as t ey can for t e (resent or *ould+ &e self+actualiser% or anyone at all, &ut t ere@s somet ing a&out t e creati'e ty(es t at t ey detest% as if t ey@re a re&u$e to t em &y reminding t em of t eir o*n true o(tions and *asted =(otential5% so t at all t ey ex(erience% often unconsciously% fixated on t e (ast% is resentment% a merciless urge to destroy% ruin li'es, all in t e name of (rogress% of lo'e e'en. It@s also a *ay to ne'er let t em go% t e ultimate form of t e ego@s (ossessi'eness, murder. 3dd o* fe* (eo(le seem to see t is, &ut it too$ me years. Ie no* a'e all t ese minions &eing gi'en t e (retext to (ractice t e same t ing% s(reading t eir contagion of atred and murder% re'ealing t eir true c aracter% illusory as t at self mig t &e% in t e &elief t at * ile $ee(ing it idden% it as no effect on any ot er as(ect of t eir life and relations i(s% as mis(laced and doomed as e'ery ot er as(ect of t eir fundamentally noncreati'e li'es. I@'e not ing against t e @ordinary@ *or$er, if anyt ing I a'e a lot of sym(at y for t eir lot in life% t e terminally unsatisfying dream *e ex(erience it to &e% t oug I don@t go to t e ot er extreme eit er% loo$ing on t em as t e 'irtual =salt of t e eart 5 as Ic$e does+ t oug e meant it as muc of a criticism of t e (t&% t e matrix and its de'aluation of t e e'eryday *or$er% t e s elf+filler 8I sus(ect it5s my ultimate fate% or *orse9% deli'ery *or$ers and t e rest% * ereas 7 mind you% e does refer to t em as t e s ee(le too 7 I see o* easily t ey@re recruited &y t e 'ery same go'ernment to de'alue ot ers

3K4

and (artici(ate in t eir (ernicious acts and met odically (lanned strategies of co'ert aggression% ta$ing to it% as I@'e said% li$e a duc$ to *ater. It@s no great stretc of t e imagination t en% to see t e go'ernment and its offs oots as t e often destructi'e+minded narcissists in microcosm% t e dysfunctional ot erL(arent% or family as a * ole% t e creators of t e 'ery (ro&lems and dysfunctionality it claims to &e eradicating in ot ers. "nd if a relations i( or family situation as t e (otential to eru(t in catastro( ic terms due to frustrated creati'e self+ex(ression% t e situation is exacer&ated a t ousand+fold t roug organised sa&otage% relentless arassment% and unmista$a&le genocidal intentions. / is is a reci(e for o(elessness% des(air, as one *ould ex(ect of t e ego. It *ill sol'e not ing% only ma$e matters *orse at it as. Its o*n dysfunctionality% its s enanigans% its corru(tion is re'ealed e'ery day% increasingly% =ex(onentially5 so. It@s ;uite e'ident it@s not *or$ing out for t em% t at t eir *orld doesn@t *or$% as J . -allard $ne*. / eir *orld% t at% left to t em is no* a dying *orld or soon *ill &e. Some &elie'e it@s t e old *orld in its deat t ro*s% to &e re(laced &y t e ne*, t e one *e s ouldn@t &e (aying too muc attention to it% as t at5s to gi'e it energy. "ll t at ne* agey stuff. I ate'er t e case% it@s coming a(art at t e seams% germinating t e seeds of furt er catastro( e as it ad long done already. Just imagine if it does ac ie'e its goals% a feudal society of serfs and sla'es% t e minions% us t is time% microc i((ed and lin$ed to a central com(uter% our e'ery t oug t a lie or unreal% or else idden some* ere inside us% a se(arate self in a literally (syc o(at ic *orld * ere e'ery mo'e is not only scrutinised &ut sa&otaged at random% at t e * im of unsta&le narcissists% t e =nice5 (eo(le. It@s &ot a&surd and orrific. "s *it t ese minions% t e =gs5% t e *illing arassers and co'ert muftistal$ers%=all t e orror is in t at t ere is no orror%5 as one (syc ologist (ut it. / ey@ll ne'er trium( % for it5s against e'olution. It@s also a dream of e'olution, *e@re not really ere% *e ne'er left Cea'en% t e * ole t ing is 6ust a &ad dream. =/ e ego5s nig tmare dream of sin% guilt% and deat 5% as " !ourse in 0iracles says.

3K>

Ie already c ose against t e ego in our minds and c ose t e Coly S(irit instead% our ig er self. It@s 6ust a matter of time% of c oice. <o* *e a'e all t e =ne* $ids on t e &loc$5 * o don5t $no* s it% re(eating all t e same mista$es% t in$ing t ey@re t ey5re =t e s it5+ t e latest (ur'eyors of t e national irony deficit, t e ne* socio(at s of t e deluded &ra'e ne* *orld. Same old same old. / ey can fart around% riding around in t eir ne* &attleground% *it t eir constant end u((ing% circling% &ecause t ey can@t ride t roug t e centre% (racticing t eir sterile tric$s and games% getting no* ere fast 7 t e *orld as a * ole isn@t t e only t ing t ey@re iding from% if only t ey $ne*, t ey also $no* not e'eryone is li$e t em... * ile I o&ser'e% counter * ere necessary% * en I can% stay in and document% *rite% as @creati'e@ as I e'er *as or intended to &e% a((y as a (ig in s it. 0ay&e I found my nic e after all. I o@d a'e t oug t itG It@s im(ortant to (ull &ac$ * en you can% see t e *ider (icture. Thurs -lin$: " Cori?on .uide to t e Senses. / is s ould &e fun. Cere@s "dam -loom% t e Je*is comedian% li$a&le% funny% one of a fe* 'olunteers for t e &lac$ room% sensory de(ri'ation. / ey start to allucinate. !I *as concerned *it t e &lac$ room (ro&lem% as e termed% *riting a no'el of t at title 7 / e -lac$ Room% (u&lis ed in 1NM1 * en e *as >0. I read it * en I *as 21. / is (rogramme is a&out 40 years of Cori?on arc i'es to find out * at science as taug t us a&out our =tools of (erce(tion5. / e $ind of t ings t at social scientists a'e learned to (ractice on umans a la co'ert torture% ex(erimentation. Po(ular accounts% 'irtual * ite*as es li$e t is% *on@t &e touc ing on any of t at sort of t ing. <or *ill *e &e earing a&out t e most im(ortant as(ect of all% t oug real science already $no*s t at at t e ;uantum le'el t e *orld is @created@ &y t e o&ser'er. / e #a*$ins@ of t e *ord can@t deal *it t is% so t ey gi'e it no credence% dismissing it. / ere *as an article in <e* Scientist% one of t ose% a fe* years &ac$% as$ing t e ;uestion% Is t e uni'erse a ologramG I

3KB

mentioned itG In t e meantime *e a'e some uni'ersity &ore osting% telling us all a&out t e disco'eries a&out t e &rain% telling us 0 a&out t e mind as usual. I feel li$e a modern day Sta'ogrin. I@m so tired of earing t e same old cra(. !I said t at Sta'ogrin5s &elligerence stemmed as muc from frustration due to not a'ing is ;ualities recognised% t at e felt e s ould &e as famous as is contem(oraries% t at $ind of t ing. I su((ose one could say e felt e *asn@t a((reciated. Ce furt er remar$s n t is in is introduction to is !riminal Cistory of 0an$ind. I@'e no dou&t t ere@s some trut to t is% for many (eo(le in general in t e *orld. I@'e no dou&t my o*n talents aren@t recognised% &ut t at5s (artly my o*n fault for 'acillating so muc % letting myself get &ogged do*n &y cle'er idiots. <o* t ey5re ma$ing it a *ay of =life5 for me. It seems almost ine'ita&le some o*. / ey@re certainly not &y t ese cretins around me% t e great (u((et s o*. / ey *ere really laying it on t ic$ today, (ar for t e course as of late. / ey ma$e an extra effort * en I@'e stayed in for a day or t*o% no dou&t feeling t ey@re getting to me. It is a drag. It s(oils any nominal notion of a *al$ of course% anyt ing one *ouldn5t a'e t oug t t*ice a&out &efore. 3&'iously% * en it@s t at &ad% it isn@t too difficult to see * y (ursuing any normal relations i(% romantically% is untena&le. 1nscru(ulous% t ey@d eit er arass or mani(ulate t em too. I read t at one of t e t ings t ey mig t do is try to get t e (erson% your ne* girlfriend% * ate'er% to c eat on you. -elie'ing in &etrayal% t ey would of course, &lissfully una*are or unconcerned as to o* t at *ill influence t eir (erce(tions of t eir o*n (artners in ell% friends% 8s(ecial9 relations i(s as a * ole. In s ort% t ey &elie'e t ey can t in$ * ate'er t ey li$e of ot ers% and t at it *ill a'e no effect on o* t ey t in$ of t emsel'es. Ie all do it% &ut for some% it@s a *ay of &eing and of life, and t at@s no real life at all. / ey also $no* it isn@t good for a (erson@s emotional ealt to isolate t em% or try to. / is is t e @care in t e community@ of yer a'erage friendly neig &our. I@'e seen t em numerous times% t e good citi?ens% t e =caregi'ers5% caug t *it idden cameras on 'arious (rograms o'er t e years, not 6ust t e outrig t a&use% suffocating $ids etc.% &ut t e casual contem(t and atred to*ards t e

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@unfortunate@ 7 t e =slo*5% &ac$*ard% t e intellectually @retarded@. Some snotty &int as I recall% normally or nominally =intelligent5% nominally attracti'e% 'er&ally s itting all o'er one of er *ards. S e reminded me of my mot er and er attitude to*ards me% t e irrele'ancy of myself to er life as e sa* it% * en s e *asn5t (ro6ecting all er s it on me as com(ensation for it. "s t e narrator said in t e (rogram% it@s o&'ious t ey don@t loo$ on t ese (eo(le as full uman &eings% t at t ey5re less t an second+class citi?ens. Ce may as *ell a'e said t ey see t em as *ort less scum, t at *ould &e as accurate. Peo(le still a'e t e gall to *onder o* t e <a?is could a'e a((ened% * en it@s as o&'ious it5s 6ust t e same t ing to a greater degree. I can (icture t e young *oman% t e silly &itc % in er (ersonal life% *it a &oyfriend% or no% =loo$ing for lo'e5% a((iness% ne'er ma$ing t e connection t at lo'e% t e mind is one, and e% c ances are% 6ust li$e er% is loo$ing to s are t eir arrogant% s(ecial affection% 6ust you and me% and our s(ecial (als and associates% t e real (eo(le% real adults% gro*n+u(s% *it our real% gro*n+u( emotions. Pat etic. It seems ridiculous to me to still &e (lagued &y t ese morons% dressing t emsel'es u( in t eir (retend adult suits of *or$ and officialdom no*% as c ildis as e'er% t e arrogance more refined% met odical% in t eir stu(id <HP red and t e rest. -ut I &roug t it on myself% as muc intentionally so. I@m often not ;uite sure * at I@m doing% 6ust (laying it &y ear. -ut as far as a tra( goes% t ey *al$ rig t into it. It occurred to me% 6ust earlier% t at today *as t e (erfect exam(le% *atc ing t e (u((ets 'irtually marc to order% ta$e t eir (laces% namely my (lace% t e =close5 Lentrance*ay% t e focus% at t e &ottom of t e stairs, e'ery time I ?on$ed t at door% t ere t ey *ere% every time% from t e get go% loo$ing to &e on me li$e t e (ro'er&ial ton of &ric$s% as unrelentingly merciless to t emsel'es as t ey stri'e to &e to t eir targets, t at@s * at ma$es t em so (redicta&le on t e * ole. "l*ays someone (assing% a *al$+&y 7 t e old &lo$e% tall% (aunc y% &lac$ t+s irt t is time 8&et e t in$s e@s really cool no*9% =s ades5% *al$ing t e dog% only to a'e to come &ac$ * en I did t e door t ang again% ma$ing it o&'ious o* intentional it is

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on isLt eir (art% t oug it *asn@t on mine in is case, I s(otted im from t e $itc en *indo* at t e side 7 t e (let ora of cars% t e reds% t e 'ans% t e same ones coming &ac$ in ;uic$ rotation &ecause I *asn@t t ere t e first time% *atc ing t e reflection o((osite% of a *oman *al$ing &y on t is side as s e sto(s &riefly at t e close% mid+ste(% t en carries on% t e idea% t e intention to catc me as I come out% it gi'es er a fraction more time% a fe* seconds% 6ust in case s e needs it% as *ell as t at it@s furt er gaslig ting of course. Picture me coming out of t e flats 7 t oug I *as sitting at t e loo *indo* 7 t in$ing% @&emusedly@: FIas t at intentionalG Co* do t ey do t at% o* did s e $no* I *ould &e ere% or did s eGF etc. etc. / ey *ant t is to (lague your mind as *ell as let you $no* you@re at t e centre of arassment% a cons(iracy t at t ey% =re(resenting5 t e * ole *orld% t e =* ole *orld5 is against you. / at mig t &e so if t e *orld consisted of s(lit+minded% dissociated% control frea$% c ildis ly sadistic y(ocrites% failing t emsel'es as muc as eac ot er. I caug t t*o &i$es yesterday in ;uic$ succession% eac ex(ecting to &e going &y as I came out. / e first &lo$e cycled out of t e s ort inside (at of t e *or$s on to t e road. Co* did e $no* e *ouldn@t it someone (assingG -ecause it@s all @c oreogra( ed@% if I can descri&e it as suc . Someone else is *atc ing. I *aited until e *as almost &y% t en% E#id you steal my &i$eGF in a funny% moronic 'oice% sounding a &it li$e my mot er in fact% * o *as no moron% t oug + s e *as cle'erstu(id li$e t em. 0ore door+o(ening and closing% I go to t e &edroom for a c ange% loo$ &et*een t e slit of t e curtains% don@t let t em $no* I $no*% t oug .od $no*s you@d t in$ t ey@d all &e told &y no*% &ut t ey@re all (a*ns% un*itting% uninformed do(es and du(es% of t e loo( &ut not in it% t at@s t e irony. 3t ers a'e (ro&a&ly ad to find out for t emsel'es. -ut t ere@s more * ere t ey came from, t ere al*ays is, t ey@re as numerous and as annoying as flies. " slig t (ause% and someone al*ays goes &y or comes out of t e *or$s, a *oman (issing around &y t e &ins% ta$ing er time% t ere@s no sign of me% ot ers *al$ing out% cars coming in% going out. / e *omen% t e &i$es% t e 6oggers are o&'ious% as is t e timing of t e cars. Sometimes it *ill &e

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a((enstance of course% I@m not com(letely credulous. I can loo$ out anytime and t ere5s not muc a((ening% or not ing at all% or sometimes someone *ill go &y% cars go &ac$ and fort % in and out% etc. It@s a matter of timing% t eirs, of re(etition. I can &arely call it ex(erimentation, it5s so sim(le% so o&'ious+ t oug t ey ma$e it as com(licated as t ey can. /oday t ey inter(reted it e'ery time as me t in$ing I ad fooled t em. I ad% *atc ing from t e &edroom *indo* as *omen came in from t e o((osite side and from t e side% con'erging on t e close in (assing. " car came in too% t roug me ta$ing t e (iss yet again 8t e door t ang9% coming in% sto((ing 6ust for a 6utting% lurc ing moment directly o((osite% en6oying is little mind+game% re(eating t e artificial sync orses it t e *oman ad 6ust done s ortly &efore on t is side% &efore dri'ing on% &ut I realised e *as (ro&a&ly 6ust 1+turning to come &ac$% go &y from t is side, e *as. / e idea *as to do t at as I came out. It@s all to niggle too% to &adger% arass. / e niggly &adgery (eo(le. I@m a niggly &adger+&aiter. See t e idiot (u((et (eo(le &elie'e t ey *al$ and tal$. 0ost of t em a'en@t e'en guessed I@m on to t em, it@s (ossi&le t e instigators don@t care, it@s still arassment% co'ert aggra'ation% stal$ing. It as t e same effect. -ut it@s as o&'ious t ey a'e to try and time it to * en t ey t in$ I@m lea'ing% for maximum effect. I ic suites me fine too. It also occurred to me as I say% t at most of t ese (eo(le% in t eir u&ris% &elie'e t ey@re 'irtually in'isi&le to ot ers% certainly untouc a&le. / e a'e no conce(tion of o* (redicta&le% and t erefore cons(icuous t ey are% of o* relati'ely sim(le it is to demonstrate t e connection% t e &latant stal$ing arassment. 3r at least it *ould &e if I ad a 'idcam. "gain% I@m su((osed to &e cutting mounts% ma$ing u( (rints% not *riting t is. "nd I (romised I@d ma$e a start. I *as a &it s ort of slee( yesterday for a c ange% &ut a'e &een drifting off e'er since% &eginning *it reading Ia(nic$ on /rue Em(at y% a &unc of (rint+outs from 2acim@s =Excer(ts5 series I did &ac$ in 2000% * en I first learned to use a com(uter and t e net. "ny*ay% it@s o&'ious t ey t in$ targets are fuc$ing idiots% or I am% or t at t ey@re omni(otent. I can ;uite easily dis(el t is. / is *riting is a (art of t e (rocess%

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t oug an intuition tells me% and as done for a * ile no*% t at a =t*o+(ronged5 strategy *ould &e more effecti'e% eac t ro*ing lig t on t e ot er. / is is so &latant no*% as &een going on for so long% it seems almost silly% e'en @sacrilegious@ to *aste it. / e longer it@s *ent on% t e more t e minions a'e accumulated% organised% t roug t e &ad *ord of t e mani(ulators% &eing t ere to dog my e'ery ste( if t ey can. It5s ;uite a&surd. -rig t eadlig ts in &rig t suns ine are a common one% as is a single eadlig t, one t*on$ in a red car% red to(% t oug t at@s ;uite common% *omen too% and rig t ere too. It loo$s (at etic no*. 2riday (ast as mor( ed into t e ot er day% a'ing ta$en t e same route. It@s endless 'ariations on a tedious t eme% mainly utilising 'e icles of course% t eir o*n cars% t e immediate en'ironment, t ey are creatures of en'ironment% after all% ri'eted to t e *orld 7 reflections of t eir en'ironment as !I mig t say. 3ld men% cou(les% a((earing at corners I@m coming to *it t eir dogs% or 6ust after I (ass% or some &int and dog coming to*ards me% or a &i$e across t e road% or crossing to*ards me% * ate'er% 6ust as *it t e rest% all in yer face all t e time% t e constant conditioning% so you@ll identify dogs% &i$es% *it / em% seeing @enemies@% t em% e'ery* ere% utilising t e en'ironment for t eir =o*n5 (ur(oses% of &rain*as ing% (erce(tual distortion% confusion. Exce(t t at t ey@re not t e * ole (o(ulation at all% t at it@s 6ust a confidence tric$ of t e egos% t at@s all t ey do% tric$sters and im(ostors. .etting into Hondon Street and t e sudden and (redicta&le &uild+u( of traffic% t e rea((earance of red P3 'ans% ot ers% t e o&ligatory &i$e coming along at t e same time% &i$es going &y to t e left &y t e rounda&out% (ri'ate taxis% red% &lac$% in'aria&ly t ere on t e corners &efore t at% to &e t ere again as al*ays% cars a((ening to 1+turn and (ar$ directly o((osite me% ot ers starting u(. I *al$ across% stand at some railings &y t e flats% *atc t e &lo$e get out% close is door% go off% I ste( out% I@m at t e edge of is car% a&out to cross t e road &ut not 7 I@m stalling, a 'an+style car comes in% red *it fiery flames (ainted on t e side, t e &lo$e5s &ac$% &e ind me% at is car, t is is * at t ey do% to catc you out, it@s all one+u(mans i(% (etty% meaningless little trium( s%

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facile cle'erness% t e relentless gaslig ting, no *onder t e (lanet is fuc$ed, t ey@re all out+tric$ing% -S@ing eac ot er. -ut mainly t ey@re *or$ing in collusion% *earing e'eryone else out *it t e relentless (ettiness% t e murderous ;uest for (o*er and more (o*er. "s if t ey5ll actually get it. I laug % cross% t ere@s (eo(le tal$ing on t e corner% =su&tly5 &loc$ing my (at . Peo(le tal$ing% t en *al$ing off * en you get to t em in going &yLcoming (arallel is anot er one. I mout ed off at a *arden t e ot er *ee$ * en t ey *ere at t at too% a 'ariation on t eir a((earing at corners5 routine% or% *al$ing &y until t ey5re (arallel *it t e &us you@re getting on. !o( cars on corners too% am&ulances% (aramedics &laring t eir sirens% s utting t em off 6ust as t ey (ass% * et er on foot or t e &us% t e smaller ones% or coming out of s o(s etc. I get around t e corner% cross t e road to a'oidLantici(ate t e first side street% and a *oman comes out of a small =trendy5 s o(% s oots to er car to &e in time *it me *al$ing &y it. I sto(% (re(ared% am crouc ing do*n seeing to an imaginary s oelace% &loc$ing er door% s e@s o(ening it on t e ot er side% collects an imaginary somet ing% slams it% I get u(% I@m &e ind er 7 s e@d intended it to &e t e re'erse% goes into t e s o(, I gi'e a loud sarcastic laug at er &ac$. I did t e same *it some &int earlier today% as s e (assed% farted around in time *it my scam, I *as ere% u(stairs% at t e loo *indo*. I@m losing sym(at y for t ese (eo(le% t oug t at may &e t e idea% t e reason for t e ma6ority &eing *omen 6ust earlier. Is t ere a connection &et*een t e *oman t at *as in t e street * o called t e co(s on me for ( otogra( ing% and t emG / at t ey@re loo$ing to (ro'o$e a reactionG So t ey can say I *as insulting% a&usi'e% * ate'er% rat er t an 6ust *itty% deflatingG 3r t e 'ery fact I mig t say anyt ing at all% sounding li$e a (aranoid lunatic% or so it *ould &e (resented% distorted% as arassing innocent (eo(le * ile t ey go a&out t eir daily &usiness% *or$% stal$ing me in t e (rocessG Des% most definitely. "not er 'ariation% as in Hondon Rd t e ot er day as I say% is (eo(le remotely starting u( t eir cars as I go &y. I *ent into a $neeling (osition again% * et er &y t eir door% or at t e front or &ac$ * eel, I could &e getting u( to no good t ere for all t ey

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$no*. /*o can (lay at gaslig ting. / en% * en t ey get to t e car and me% I stand u( and *al$ off. / is time I didn@t e'en &ot er loo$ing to see * o it *as. / e ot er day% in this street% a &lo$e% (ar$ed on t e corner in a &lue 'an+ a (rime intimidationLanc oring s(ot% and% in case I ad any dou&ts% turned and remotely loc$ed is doors 6ust as *e (assed eac ot er, t is in t e middle off t e road &et*een t e four corners of #unedin St t at intersect. I &ent do*n% laid do*n my s o((ing in t e road% (ic$ed it u( again 6ust as e did it. 1nsatisfied *it t at% I *ent &ac$ out after I dum(ed t e s o((ing+ a rare im(ulse for me% *al$ed u( to t e corner% letting cars (ass etc.% *ent into fro?en stance mode% t en (elted is 'an *it an egg. I ung around% let t em get all excited% *atc ed a car sto( close &y% in t e road% a &i$e comes out% goes off to t e s o(% comes &ac$% I@m still t ere% t e car comes around% sto(s &y me% t e &lo$e lets im out again, illegal% &ut all (art of t e anc oring, I *as ex(ected to a'e *al$ed off from t at s(ot% loo$ed &ac$. 3ften I 6ust don@t &ot er loo$ing &ac$ no*. Joggers and cyclists a((earing toget er% (retending t ey@re unconnected, turning t e corner% t ere@s a red car at t e lig ts% and a 6ogger at t e side% coming to*ards me% t is some *ee$s ago% t is on a corner of -roug ton Rd and Rodney St 7 t oug t ere are endless 'ariations on t ese t emes. I sna((ed t at one% lots of ot ers. " common one is intersecting% as I@'e said% /ruman S o* styli, cyclists do it all t e time as t ey (ass% or intersect *it t e (ri'ate ca&s% or are t ere &e ind t em% or *it 6oggers. / is often a((ens rig t ere, t ey do it (arallel to t e =close5 * ere I@m ex(ected to come out% and no dou&t a'e% sometimes. 3 and a 6ogger at t e to( of t e lane t e ot er day as I got in after a long arassed afternoon% a&out eig t or ten &i$es (assing me in single and cou(le5s% t e last fe* minutes 6ust &efore. I ate'er I say% suc as EPeo(le can &e interesting * en t ey t in$ you@re really stu(id%F t ere@s al*ays one * o@ll loo$ at you as if you@re nut?% still (laying t e (art in t e face of all t e orses it t at *ouldn5t fool a ding&at. !all it gaslig ting lite, or stu(id. / e 6ogger *as t ere to ma$e u( for me running along *it t e &lo$e in t e maroony to( t e (re'ious e'ening on t e

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*ay to t e c i( s o(. /it for tat% e'ery time. / is is * at@s a((ened. It@s t e ego@s cycle of retaliation in microcosm% localised. It@s all accelerated% accumulated as I@'e (ro'ed to &e aggressi'e% resourceful% ;uic$+*itted% and umorous. It@s li$e t e .ary Harson cartoon * ere t e &lo$e is in ell% * istling * ile e *or$s and one of t e minions is saying to t e #e'il% EIe@re 6ust not getting to t at guy.F / is isn@t ;uite accurate in my case% to say t e least% &ut I5m (erse'ering. I@'e come t is far% turned t e ta&les in a sense% set t em u( in my o*n *ay. I at I need to do no* is follo* t roug . / e only ot er alternati'e *ould &e to do * at t ey ex(ect of me, su&mit to discouragement% demoralisation% de(ression. So muc for =!are in t e !ommunity5. <ot t at I e'er needed it. / ese (eo(le really a'e to go. / ese arrogant fuc$*its, s(oilt little (syc o&rats in adult &odies need to &e sto((ed% ex(osed% along *it t e (eo(le * o (ut t em u( to t is. It@s t is system of co'ert murder t at needs to &e ex(osed% for * at it is. -ut again% it@s all for t e (ur(oses of distraction. If you@re (aying attention to t em% t en you5re not loo$ing *it in5, you@re not connected to t e source% of intuition% guidance% of genuine sync ronicities. <or are you seeing t e &igger (icture% t e 'ast criminal confidence tric$ in'ol'ed. <eit er are t ey, in fact t ey@re acti'ely against loo$ing *it in. / ey5re t e *orlders% t e umatons, t e cle'erness of t e ego is t eir god. / ey5re t e (eo(le * o ne'er learn% ne'er gre* emotionally% or &enefit from (ast mista$es. / ey don@t &elie'e in mista$es of course, t ey ne'er ma$e any. "ll t eir actions% e'ery (ri'ate t oug t and agenda in collusion% is 6ustified. 3nly ot ers ma$e mista$es% not to &e seen as mista$es% &ut as irredeema&le sins% fore'er unforgetta&le in t e umatons5 *orld% fore'er unforgi'a&le. / at t ey@re increasingly% e'er ex(osed for t e y(ocrites t ey are% re'ealing t e insanity of t eir t oug t+system for * at it is% ( ases t em not at all. / at@s t e magic of denial% (ro6ection% and re(ression% t e *onder of / em% t e c ronic narcissists. / ere could &e a song in t ere.

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"unday 0y days are measured out in c ocolate cigarettes. Ca. I a'e a false sense of security% a'ing 6ust eaten t e last of t e food% t oug I a'e cereal% some mil$. I started on mountsL(rints finally% so 6ust a ;uic$ rig t 8 u G9% t oug t ere@s &een lots of -S% t e same% same old re(etitious cra( t at goes no* ere% li$e t em. "ny*ay I *as t in$ing of t e situation% t e fact it *ill go no* ere% and could till t e end of my days% certainly my days rig t ere * ere I@m staying% and t is city as a * ole. I (issed off t e =gate$ee(ers5. "int it al*ays t e *ay. I still li$e t e idea of sol'ing t e (ro&lem &y staying rig t * ere I am t oug , not in t is street% surrounded &y t e concrete matrix and t e Ior$s umatons as I am% &ut in general, t e fact t at it *ould li$ely follo* me * ere'er I relocate 7 and I do intend to do t at. / e t oug t of a =do*n and out5 &lo$e I $ne* as come to mind 7 no e *asn@t omeless% e *as 6ust s$int% li$e me sometimes. Ce *as fine * en I met im% t en deteriorated. / is *as due to getting regularly arassed% assaulted% * ere e li'ed% in "&&ey ill. It only occurs to me no*% again% t at t is is a sym(tom of t e times. Ce@s (ro&a&ly not targeted in any organised *ay% &y multi+ stal$ers% &ut &y locals% $ids *it no res(ect. Ce got around *it a *al$ing stic$. Ce@s o&'iously not a 'ery andy &lo$e. It@s also

3M>

o&'ious t e local $eystone co(s do not ing a&out it. Ce@s a =no&ody5. / at@s * y e@s treated li$e cra(% assaulted *it im(unity% t at@s * y t ey do not ing. Still under fifty at t e time% loo$ing o'er sixty% e@s &een @on t e sic$@. It ma$es a moc$ery of t e notion t at *e li'e in a su((osed democracy 8Ce5s since relocated locally and t e arassment and assaults sto((ed9. / is illustrates my (oint I su((ose, t in$ing a&out t e &enefits of success again% and t e dra*&ac$s of t e lac$ of it. I@ll ne'er fit in li$e t e umatons% ne'er &e content *it some &oring or tri'ial 6o&. I@'e seen t e morons t ey a'e to *or$ for. " self+ im(ortant little t*on$ or t*o from /esco@s comes to mind. <o% t ese $inds of fools% any $ind% are intolera&le. I *onder if going to t e o((osite extreme *ould &e t e ans*erG Imagine &ecoming suc an unmista$a&le% o&'ious% in yer face success t at it *ould &e a drag for t e stal$ing umatons to a'e to see it e'ery time t ey arassed% follo*ed you. 0ind you% t at asn@t sto((ed t em stal$ing cele&s% li$e Randy :uaid. <ot only t at% cele&s are stal$ed all t e time% &y (a(ara??i% and it5s legal, I5m sure t ey cross t e line all t e time. -ut at least it@s for different reasons from =gs5Lgo'ernment+&ac$ed arassmentLstal$ing. I still t in$ *riting is my &est &et. "nd no more *asting time *riting to (eo(le eit er% or not in any =am&itious5 *ay% as *it t e comedianLactress, I@m done *it t e small+mindedness. I en I *rite for myself% t e sco(e is as *ide as I c oose and am ca(a&le of. It@s o&'ious I lo'e *riting% and t e study t at goes *it it. I@ll 6ust a'e to &e careful *it it in a *ay I@'e ne'er &een in my (ersonal life% t in$ t ings t roug % a'oiding needless misunderstanding% misinter(retation. -ut once I feel I $no* * at I@m doing% I can com(lete one t ing after anot er% if its 6ust a case of u(loading to "ma?on% ot ers. I@d already decided on t ree or four &oo$s a year if I can. 2orm is all t e umatons recognise in any case. "s I say% I don@t t in$ finding some* ere in t e &ac$ of &eyond is t e ans*er. / at mig t only seem to confirm t eir lies t at t ey@d li$ely s(read to * ere'er I *ent 7 from * ere I left. <o% I t in$ t e ans*er is to &e and demonstrate t e =creati'e force5 I@'e al*ays $no*n myself to &e. Sometimes I5d t oug t I s ould seriously consider doing comedy% get my face out t ere% or

3MB

at least noticed. -ut I do so detest t e notion of &eing in t e same milieu as t e !omedian I $ne*% as *ell as some of t e t*on$s currently on t e circuit. "nd I really can@t &e dealing *it t e tri'ialities of current e'ents t at ma$e u( to(ical &anter% trying to entertain &oring (eo(le. I@d (refer to *rite * ate'er t e ell I *rite% let t em come to it, if t ey don@t li$e it% t at@s t eir (rerogati'e% it *ill a'e no effect on me, I@m not t ere to see t em gi'e u( on my no'el% story% * ate'er. I@m not interested solely in comedy in any case. -ut * at if I *ere to loo$ on it as a $ind of sideline% an offs oot of my talent% so to sayG Iould it $ill me to *rite ten% t*enty minutes to an ours *ort of material and @(erform@ itG I5d a'e t e rest of t e day for myself to *rite% or at least (art of it. -ut t en I@d a'e to tra'el. I 6ust can@t see it no*. /*enty years ago% yes% &ut no* it *ould 6ust eat u( all my time. I *ouldn@t &e satisfied s(ending a year or e'en a matter of mont s re(eating t e same t*enty (ages *ort % or * ate'er% e'en if I could. / is * y P)# is loo$ed on as (ro&a&ly t e greatest S2 *riter e'er, e *as (rolific% c oc$ a &loc *it ideas. Ce@d ne'er contain t em all in a single routine% t oug e did gi'e tal$s, &ut I@m sure e (referred to $ee( *riting as muc ne* material as (ossi&le. !I lectured too% and e@s su(er(rolific% or *as 8"nd is tal$s% inter'ie*s% *ere a condensation of is main o&sessions and (reoccu(ations% so clearly some re(etition is una'oida&le9. I don@t $no* * ere t e line is. <ot t at I need to concern myself *it any of t is rig t no*, I@'e (u&lis ed &ugger all% unless I include t e material on Scri&d. I still (refer to *rite a&out * at I@m interested in. :uite a lot of my (reoccu(ations are outside t e (arameters of most of t e umatons% @e'en@ comedy audiences. / eir in erent narro* of outloo$ *ould come to t e fore, t ey@d feel o&liged to o&6ect% *ould &e too self+conscious% =uncomforta&le5% ill+at+ease etc. I ereas% *it *riting% t ey can ex(lore at leisure% e'en en6oy it in a *ay t ey *ouldn@t in t e com(any of ot ers. " case of no one else needs to $no*. I also t in$ I@d a'e a *ider a((eal o'erall% if not necessarily in num&ers. 0artin "mis came to mind earlier, t e fact t at e@s 'ery funny% o*e'er sarcastic% cruel% misogynistic e'en% and often for t ose reasons. "nd t at e@s 'ery

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(o(ular% at least in terms of sales of is &oo$s. !learly e (refers to ex(ress imself t roug no'els rat er t an stand u(. Det% t ere5s lots of * at can &e descri&ed as o&ser'ational% =to(ical5 sections% inters(ersed *it t e main story in is no'el 0oney% (ortrayed as t e main (rotagonist Jo n Self@s internal musings. . I@'e (ainted mostly for (ros(ecti'e galleries &efore, it@s * y I5'e stuc$ mostly to landsca(es% to(ogra( ical scenes% t oug t ere5s more to it. Handsca(es% mountain scenes can re(resent t e im(ersonal% li$e a sym( ony, as !I *ell $ne*. / e artist -ern ard 4ogel ca(tures t e essence of it as I5'e said. It doesn5t exactly ma$e any attem(ts on my (art null and 'oid% &ut it does ma$e it meaningless to follo* a similar route o'erall. I could a'e (ainted anyt ing of course. Exce(t =aliens5% say+ 8t oug I did% for an 3utsider artist ex i&ition% eld at t e /al&ot Rice .allery% (art of t e 3ld :uad &uilding% and (art of Edin&urg 1ni. It al*ays &rings to mind t e filming of Jules 4erne5s Journey to t e !entre of t e Eart in 1N>N from a ( otogra( of t e time% t e actors and extras mulling around in t e courtyard% ;uadrangle or * ate'er9. / ey5re not t e standard gallery su&6ects. / ere5s criminals, I@'e ne'er ad muc interest in (ainting serial $illers t oug % t at $ind of t ing. 3nly a fe* come to mind. Peter )urten% !arl Pan?ram% and Jac$ / e Ri((er. I@m not sure * y )urten is any less re(ulsi'e or re(re ensi&le t an =/ed5 -undy% say% &ut e is% a((arently. Per a(s I see )urten and Pan?ram as a'ing &een treated &adly &y =life5% t e system% to an extent. -undy seems more a (roduct or reflection of it. =C C Colmes5 is al*ays a (ossi&ility% t oug e *as as orri&le as you@d ex(ect% $itting out is @murder castle@ in ! icago &ac$ in t e late 1Nt century. I@d really li$e to get &ac$ to reading !I on t e (syc ology of murder again, it@s &een some years. Re'isit all t ose &oo$s again% see * at I ma$e of t em no*. In t e lig t of my study of t e !ourse and Ia(nic$. It *ould &e good to familiarise myself *it t em again% a'e t e names and accounts% situations to mind again. 0ay&e I could carry on is legacy in a *ay% if *it a more o'ertly meta( ysical &ent as *ell as (syc ological. Ce tended not to mix t e t*o% *riting *it a

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s(ecific audience in mind *it eac &oo$. I@d li$e to (ut t em toget er% ideas% e'ery * ic *ay% es(ecially for stories of 'arying lengt % o*e'er it (ans out. Sometimes so many ideas occur to me. It@s easy to feel loc$ed into t is situation% t at I@m missing ot er imaginati'e (ossi&ilities, t oug it does ma$e a good =story5% it@s so &i?arre. /rust t e mundane 7 and mendacity 7 of e'eryday life to &e *eirder t an fiction. "nd (ersistent. It can o'ers ado* e'eryt ing% as / ey intend. It@s clear t ey *on@t sto(. / e only o(tion I a'e is to ex(ose it as &est I can. / ey@'e assumed t is isn5t (ossi&le% t at I a'e no credi&ility. "s al*ays% t ey confuse form 7 = e5s a no&ody@ 7 *it content. E'ery *riter% anyone% is a =no&ody5 until t ey demonstrate t ey a'e a mind too% (ossi&ly e'en a &etter one% in terms of $no*ing t e meaning% t e origin of mind as *e ex(erience it, eit er t roug t e (erce(tion of t e ego% or t e Coly S(irit. / ey don@t t in$ in t ese terms, t ey assume t eir targets are as static in outloo$ as t ey are. / eir u&ris tells t em t ey $no* all t ere is to $no*% t at t ey need not ing else. / ere@s certainly not ing t ey *ould &enefit from t e ;uasi+ cosmic ram&lings of t e latest (atsy. <o *onder t ey smir$ so muc and feel so confident. / ey@re only t ere to carry out t e routines% t e agendas of =ex(ert5% if emotionally *ar(ed% social scientistsL(syc ologists. / is is glo&ally acce(ted and utilised% (syo(s designed to *or$% to destroy. Its effecti'eness is (ro'en% t roug t e demoralisation% t e suicide of selected targets. / ey don@t stand a c ance. / ese no&odies are dreaming if t ey t in$ t ey can e'er find a *ay of countering it% let alone con'incing anyone it@s e'en ta$ing (lace at all. I at nonentity could o(e to con'ince anyone at all t at t ere5s a @*orld*ide@ cons(iracy of co'ert genocide ta$ing (lace in (lain sig tG I o could e'er concei'e of suc a (ossi&ilityG It@s unt in$a&le, too orri&le% a&surd to contem(late. :uite ludicrous. "&out as (lausi&le as claims of alien a&duction. I can (ro&a&ly do it. I@'e ad t e (ossi&ility of t at for mont s. / at *ould &e anot er form of success I su((ose% if not ;uite t e success I ad in mind. -ut it@s all *riting% it@s all... a (art of @life@. "nd if t at means I@m o&liged to get to t e root of it% at

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least in terms of s o*ing it@s a((ening% t en so &e it. I can@t see I a'e muc ot er c oice no*% exce(t to gi'e u( t e g ost. / e latter is exactly * at t ey *ant. / at5s e'en more a&surd to me% @outrageous@. I al*ays ad too many dreams% as(irations. "s @ uge@ as t is may &e% it@s still tri'ial in essence and in (ractise% &eyond tiresome. It@s =life+negating5, as muc t eir o*n too% if only t ey $ne*. It@s not as if anyone can @ta$e t em on@. <ot on t eir @o*n@ terms% t at of &odies% an army 7 of self+deluded t*er(s. It@s li$e all art: I a'e only to @create@ my o*n res(onse% t en re(roduce it ad infinitum% s(read t e *ord% so to say.

Thurs ?still@A I t oug t I@d lost my *riting. I did. I lost my memory+ stic$Lflas dri'e% or rat er% left it in t e li&rary. -ut it@s all ere% I@d forgotten 7 t at I *as *riting it in documents t is time and not 6ust flas dri'e, t at I@m not ma$ing t at fuc$ing mista$e again. "nd no* it@s all out in t e *orld for e'eryone to see. 0ay&e it *ill ma$e it on to t e Internet in s(ite of me, may&e it@s fate. It can &ecome an =anonymous underground classic5 of sorts no*. In my dreams. 0ay&e I s ould 6ust lea'e it as it is. If I do an edited 'ersion as intended it *ill &e o&'ious * o *rote t e original. I *ant to s(eculate as o(en+mindedly as I can% forget t is no'elistic as(ect for a &it% go &ac$ to *riting solely for myself. It 6ust mig t

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&e a c ange of decision again. -ut I *as coming u( *it some good *ays% (lausi&le *ays of disguising it% fictionalising it in a sense *it out a'ing to gi'e u( any of t e actual e'ents, not document t em I mean. / e irony is% it@s all so fuc$ing tedious% re(etitious. Iit a c ange in location say% e'en time% I can gi'e an account of all t e same e'ents, I don@t a'e to gi'e anyt ing u(. 3r not muc . I *onder if I a'e / ey Hi'e on 'ideo. I s ould go t roug my ta(es% see if I can find it. I can surely science+ fictionalise my ex(eriences. In fact I tried to &egin t at *ay% e'en got off to a good start. I must@'e ad t e rig t idea. "nd it *asn@t sounding too &ad in (art. I *as e'en% if only for a fe* &rief moments% getting t e sense of * at it feels li$e to feel oneself to &e a &ona+fide *riter. I su((ose I felt I *as c ea(ening it some o*% tri'ialising it, t at I s ould tell it li$e it is% in all its nastiness. -ut no* I@m t in$ing I can a'e t e &est of &ot *orlds% of e'ery *orld in a sense. /urning it into @fiction@% or at least (resenting it as fiction means it@s definitely a commercial enter(rise. I can ma$e money from it. It@s a 'ocation% a &oo$ on sale. I at I@'e al*ays *anted. Possi&ly e'en more so t an &eing a roc$ star *it lots of =al&ums5 on sale. /o &e a *riter *as my ultimate dream. If I can (ull t is off% it *ill &e t e ultimate =cou(5% t e diametrical o((osite of * at / ey ex(ect and are trying to &ring a&out. It *ould &e fuc$ing ama?ing. "nd as !I said in a letter to a young *riter once% (ro&a&ly t e most im(ortant ;uality is (erse'erance. I seem to a'e t at in s(ades% at least * ere *riting is concerned. It@s * at I li$e to do. "dmittedly% (ainting as its moments, &ut *riting is t e =&ees $nees5. / ere5s no reason 6ust to c oose one 'ocation% or a'e any tremendous conflict o'er t em. I s ould &e a((y I@m so talented% 'ersatile. Iriting is (ro'ing (ro&lematic% tric$y. -ut it@s really t is situation% t e am&iguities. I a'e to fictionalise it. "s !I also said% one can say t ings in fiction in a *ay one can@t *it non+fiction. So call it faction, or fictionalised fact% as e did. I@m not ;uite sure * at e meant &y it t oug . -ut I could try finding out &y *riting. I a'en@t &een (lanning my *riting. It@s &een a (Lt 6o&% sometimes fLt% $ee(ing u( *it t is s it. E'en Ste( en )ing asn@t cottoned on to t is one. I could descri&e it in

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a *ay most *riters can@t% in t at t ey@re not targeted indi'iduals of course. Part of t e (ro&lem is I don@t really a'e t e distance from it. / en again% I@'e &een ex(eriencing it for t e (ast ten years% and for a (eriod &efore t at too. It@s a re(eating loo( of a t ing as I5'e said numerous times no*. / ere *ill al*ays &e fres moronsLuseful idiots to ta$e it u(. Some of t em *ere $ids t en% fifteen years ago. "nd many are $ids no*. "not er as(ect of t is orses it t at occurred to me is t at no matter o* muc I de'elo( (syc ologically% =s(iritually5% and as t e years increase 7 I get older% I@m (lagued &y =t e lo*est of t e lo*5% t e dum&est of t e dum&. It is in a *ord% facile. I li$e t e *ord ='acuous5 too. I can only t in$ of so many alternati'es. 3ne is to mo'e% to &e far less easily accessi&le% t oug I can imagine some cree(y dra*&ac$s to t at too. "not er% (ossi&ly in com&ination *it t e former% is to s are *it ot ers. / at means t ey a'e to $ee( trac$ of e'eryone. I mig t at least a'e t e relati'e freedom of a ( one again. 3r t ey can &ug t e lot of us. -ut mainly I li$e t e idea of getting off t e &eaten trac$% a*ay from all t ese fuc$ing idiot 6oggers and t e rest. / ere5s al*ays going to &e t ese small+ minded idiots for ire and arassment. I@ll 6ust end u( smac$ing one. I *as ready to *al$ into &i$es again later today. Hots of * eelc airs too% t e disa&led% (us ed of course. It@s &i?arre t ey *ould include t em too. I can &arely fat om it. Is it su((osed to &e a reminder of one@s @ultimate@ fate% anot er reason to &e @de(ressed@% t at t ere@s no o(e% no *ay outG / e irony is% it says it all% really. / at is * at t ey &elie'e. / ey are deat +o&sessed. / is is * at it@s all a&out, t eir des(air. "nd &elief in murder of course, murder and deat . Dours. / ey5re magically exem(t fore'ermore. Pro6ection sees to t at. -efore I forget, I *as t in$ing t at / ey Hi'e is &ased on a ;uite silly (remise, one of t e sta(les of S2. In / ey Hi'e% it@s t e e;ui'alent of J+Ray S(ecs. 3ur ero stum&les on &oxes of t em. Iit t em% t roug t em% e can see @reality@ as it is% t e idden agenda, su&liminal messages% and t at a good deal of t e (o(ulation are aliens. I@m t in$ing of t e @$id@ going &ac$ and fort on is &i$e on t e (a'ement a cou(le of times * ile I *as in 7 s it% 4ertigo@s on 7 t e c i(s o(% t e one off t e &ottom of

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#undas St t is time. Ce@d t oug t I *as on t e ot er side and *as loo$ing to come &e ind me% t e little s it% &ut t ere I *as sitting in t e c i(s o(% drin$ing a can of 3rangina *it a fis su((er in front of me% uno(ened, It@s sitting on t e largest o& on a lo* eat rig t no*. Ce loo$ed% only to see me *atc ing im as e (assed. Ce didn@t ma$e anot er a((earance. It occurred to me 6ust no*% t at may&e e t oug t it *as intentional on my (art% or couldn@t &e sure. / at I@d seen im after all+ and I ad% &efore. I@d crossed &ecause some *ise guy *as ta$ing is &i$e in t e end close 8entrance*ayO9 on t at side. I@d t oug t of $noc$ing% @settled@ for (ressing a fe* &u??ers. / at@s * en I sa* t e &i$e on t e ot er side. I $ne* e must a'e seen me, t at e@d &e *atc ing. It angered me t e little cunt came &ac$% loo$ing to cli( me as I came out, I could smac$ im for t at. -ut t en t at5s * at t ey *ant. -latant (ic$ing on me really (isses me off% al*ays as. / at@s * y I feel com(elled to ex(ose t ese fuc$ers% t ese li&erty+ ta$ers. / at and &ecause of t e self+dece(tion% t e y(ocrisy in'ol'ed% t e (eo(le t ey *or$ for% t e fact t ey@'e dri'en @* istle+&lo*ers@% lone *omen to t eir deat s. 2uc$ t ese arse oles and * at t ey t in$ and &elie'e. / ey &elie'e * at t ey@re told &ecause t ey do * at t ey@re told. "ny &i$e comes near me t at I can catc % t at I can s o'e or * ac$% and I@m * ac$ing. JustificationsG .etting into stu(id argumentsG 0y ans*er is yea % soG .et t e fuc$ a*ay from me. I@'e got it: I don@t need to stic$ to (rintouts of s(ecific material on =gs5. I can *rite my o*n. / at *ay I can &e e'en more s(ecific. <or *ould I &e so dum& no* as to and t em out in t e street. / is is anyt ing &ut a democracy% or t is *ouldn@t &e a((ening, it@s a fascist% (olice state, t at@s * at t is is all a&out. -ut * at I@ll do is... (lan it &etter t is time. In a *ay% I@m already s(reading material% if inad'ertently% &y lea'ing all my *riting in &loody (u&lic com(uters. "s I say% may&e it@ll find an audience% for all I $no*. <o* t at *ould &e ironic. I t in$ may&e t at it *ould &e &etter 6ust to distri&uteLdro( a fe* at a time rat er t an a * ole &unc a day% getting t roug most of t em at once. It *ould only attract attention to myself. / at *ill a((en any*ay% &ut I5'e less c ance of it &eing antici(ated if I $ee( a lo*er

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(rofile. 3n t e ot er and% one of t e &enefits to a &ig dro( in a s orter (eriod is t at t ey don@t see it coming% and * en it@s done% it@s done. 3r I could do it in dri&s and dra&s after t at, less easy to detect. I couldn5t really do it t e ot er *ay a&out, a'ing alerted t em t ey@d (ic$ u( on it sooner% and could (ic$ t em all u( sooner. "nd any*ay% I a'e a fe* s(ecific addresses and areas in mind% &efore I forget. / ey@re so arrogant% so &ra?en a&out it% seeing t emsel'es as untouc a&le. Het t eir neig &ours see it% let e'eryone else see * at t ey@re u( to. It *on@t @fix@ anyt ing% &ut it could gi'e (ause for t oug t. 2or t e locals 7 and t at goes a sur(risingly long *ay% some (rintouts *ould &e more suita&le. I a'e my o*n ideas for u( to*n, somet ing more s(ecific. -ut I could use &ot for u(to*n. I 6ust mig t get some nastiness due to t is. / is is * ere a 'idcam comes in, and learning to (ut it online. "nd a idden camera if I can. I a'en@t ;uite t oug t t is t roug t oug . "ctual u(loads can ardly &e descri&ed as S2% or e'en fictional. Per a(s it can &e li$e -rett Easton Ellis@ site% * ere e mixes fantasy and =reality5. I can lea'e ot ers to figure it out, my (ur(ose is to ex(ose it. If it@s a matter of intelligence% t en I@ll (ro'e to &e t e more intelligent. It@s t eir o&'ious arrogance% u&ris t at *ill &e t eir do*nfall. I@ll demonstrate une;ui'ocally t at t is is going on% t at t ere@s a uge cons(iracy. It@s only a microcosm% &ut it *ill &e an undenia&le as(ect of t e * ole% &ac$ed u( &y t e ex(erience of ot er targets. "nd t e sim(le fact is% I don@t a'e to (ro'e it in e'ery instance% tra'elling from country to country% * ic *ould &e im(ossi&le. I only a'e to demonstrate it ere. " good num&er of times are &eyond c ance. / e undreds I could@'e ad *ould &e &etter. / ose fools. 3r most of t em% still a'en@t e'en realised I can literally @(redict@ it 7 due to $no*ing t e stairLlanding is &ugged. I don@t t in$ t ey can actually gi'e u( t at (art e'en if t ey do $no*. / ey mig t &e congenitally inca(a&le of it &y no*. / ey@re too arrogant to let it go, t ey use t e minions% e'en if / ey $no* I $no*. It@s (erfectly o&'ious most of t em aren@t &eing informed. "nd t ere@s al*ays more * ere t ey came from. 2or * ic reason% t is is * y it *ill *or$ in my fa'our. 2or all t eir cle'erness 7 and t is is a glo&al system of co'ert (syo(s 7

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it@s (retty stu(id really. " camera is o$ay% &ut a 'idcam *ould ex(ose t e direct connection% from inside% to resultLres(onse. It@s almost too easy. / e tem(tation *ill &e to o'erdo it% get careless. Det% e'en if I did... are t ey going to sto(G <o. / ey@re stuc$ in t eir loc$ed groo'e% t eir re(eating loo(. / ey@re too arrogant to *ant to gi'e t at as(ect u(. -ut... I s ouldn@t assume t ey *ouldn5t. If or * en t ey get *ind of * at I@m u( to t ey may do 6ust t at, in t e same *ay t at t e &i$es 'anis ed at t e traffic lig ts and intersection u(to*n% * ile " *as around. / at@s a t oug t, t ey (ro&a&ly $no* im from "ce% t at e $no*s a lot of (eo(le, &ecause t ey@ll &e s(ying on t em tooO 3f course. I $ne* I s ould &e in touc *it t em, t at *ould *orry t em. -ecause t ey *ouldn5t $no* * y I@m t ere% or * at connections I@m ma$ing. -ut it *as an interesting res(onse, it@s o&'ious t ey didn@t *ant it getting &ac$ to t em. / ere5s al*ays t e (ro&a&ility t ey5ll come to t ro* caution to t e *ind% as t ey get more agitated and aggressi'e% or t e (t& do. Cas "!E &een more (reoccu(ied *it t em t an I@'e &een a*are ofG I really must get along as intended% get clued in. "4E detests t em% a((arently% according to "% &ut t ey *ould. "ll t e more reason I t in$% not to s(ill t e &eans to "4E a&out t is situation. / ey@re narcissists% t ey@d &e sus(icious. "ll t e more reason to assume t ey5re already in on it. "not er t oug t: I feel I@m *riting muc &etter a&out t is * en I *rite to myself. It feels * olly different% or almost% com(ared to a'ing to $ee( in mind t*o as(ects &efore, actual e'ents and &alancing it *it *riting for t e (u&icL(u&lication. / e situation is (ro&lematic enoug as it is *it out a'ing to concern myself *it t at as(ect too% t oug it@s understanda&le, I *ant to find a *ay to ma$e a li'ing from *riting, I *ant to (u&lis % for godsa$e% get read. I still li$e t e idea of not gi'ing anyone anyt ing to go on. It@s all a 'irtual cons(iracy. Innuendo and suggestion are t e name of t e game. I y ma$e it easy for t em &y (laying rig t into it as I a'eG / ey t in$ it@s ilarious &ecause t at@s t e !atc 22 for me% any target% e'en if t ey a'e to *aste t eir days doing it 7 t oug t ey do it in rotation, isn@t

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t e &ody cle'erG "nd its &rain. / e ego. / ey *ant to $ee( t e (ast% guilt% ali'e. It@s all in t eir o*n minds. <o* it@s... / is film is distracting me, 4ertigo. I@d forgotten e ends u( in a mental os(ital. Ce@s (ractically comatose. Ce as is loyal girlfriend of sorts, s e@s in lo'e *it im. )im <o'a$ said s e *as in a de(ressi'e% =&i(olar state5 * en s e made t is film. In / e <ational En;uirer. 0y recent loo reading. Ce@s s(otted er dou&le and as follo*ed er to er otel. I could al*ays (u&lis anonymously. 3r under a =(en name5. -ut t at *ould only indicate I mig t feel I a'e somet ing to ide. I t in$ t e S2 o(tion is &est% t e tele(at y t eme. !all it intuition. / ere surely must &e some of t at too. I su((ose I 6ust feel I@m gonna get t roug t is. "nd if I don5t% if a car gets me% a 'an% a taxi% t en I *ant t is to &e accessi&le too. I could al*ays (ut co(ies some* ere. In my email for instance. 3nly% it isn@t guaranteed t at@s (ri'ate, not &y a long s ot. <or *ould I *ant to (ut it some* ere I don5t a'e access to% suc as iding it ere t en forgetting. 3r iding it in t e li&rary say% only for it to &e disco'ered &efore I get to it. I could ide it in (lain sig t &y self+ (u&lis ing under anot er name% t en it@s 6ust anot er one of my &oo$s, an amusing t oug t. I *onder if it@s (ossi&le to get a single co(y madeG 3r t*oLt reeG / e * ole t ing could cost t ousands. It@s not t e *ay to go. I@ll &et you can t oug . 0ust loo$ into t is. " disc or flas dri'e is un&eata&le t oug 7 if I didn@t $ee( losing t em. It *as only &ecause I *anted to add some material from 2acim@s Excer(ts series. I can@t see * at@s *rong *it a flas dri'e if I@ll 6ust $ee( trac$ of it. It@s easy enoug 6ust to lea'e it on t e com(uter% &ut it could (ac$ u(% I could die etc. I could send it to some aut ors% anonymously. / ere@s a *eird t oug t. / ey5ll (ic$ u( on t e t reat of t is system e'entually% t e dangers it re(resents, it5s coming for t em too, it5s coming for e'eryone. I could sim(ly (u&lis it on Scri&d for free again% use a (seudonym% at least for a * ile. / e (ro&lem t ere% is% my 'anity *ants t e num&ers% t e reads. "nd I@'e 6ust gi'en t e game a*ay so to say% &y saying t is. 1ni'ersities% for (osterity% generally ta$e on *riters5 materials. -ut not un$no*n *riters% no&odies. "

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famous *riter mig t c am(ion t e *riting% my 6ournals. 0ay&e I@m too 'ain for t at. / is is t e dilemma% t e (aradox. I *ant to s o* I a'e t e @&rains@% t e c ut?(a to @crac$@ t is =gs5 s it% &ut I don@t *ant it to &e me% or $no*n to &e me. / e .ame is a great fictionalisation of some of t e as(ects of gs. / at@s an exam(le rig t t ere. 0ic ael #ouglas in / e .ame *as an arrogant s it. Ce learns umility t roug &eing terrorised% stal$ed &y a &unc of socio(at s. #a'id 2inc er directed it% &ut no one as made a direct com(arison or study of t e film *it t e (arallels of gs% t e similarities% and com(lexities. I ere did e get is ideasG / ere are similar t emes in 2ig t !lu&% &ut ! uc$ Palanaiuc$ *rote t at. I need a (ee. / e ending of 4ertigo *as too tragic. I@d forgotten. I ad goose (im(les. It@s a =$iller ending5. It@s 6ust too tragic. )inda li$e o* I feel a&out S% &ut I can@t a'e (eo(le trying to $ill me% emotionally. I sus(ected s e *as murderous% and I *as rig t. It@s al*ays t e *ay *it narcissists. / ey5re all clones. I $ne* as soon as s e ga'e me s it% used it to &oost er o*n ego I *ould get s ot of er. 2uc$ er and er tric$s and mani(ulations. / ey *ere al*ays% if not t e cause% t en t e means of (er(etuating t e misery% t roug t eir dissociation% (ro6ection. I@m done *it t at cra(. / e (rotagonist in / ey Hi'e is @normal@% a tra'eller of sorts loo$ing for *or$+ a drifter% as t ey say. Ce stum&les on t e alien cons(iracy% meetsL6oins t e resistance. / ey could% instead of sunglasses% a'e used anot er means of (erce(tual augmentation% as !I did in / e P iloso( ers Stone. I t in$ a @(syc ic@ of sorts is a &etter idea% t oug t at@s &een done to deat no* 7 &ut not as an in'ol'ed no'el on =gs5 and *ider s(eculationLo&ser'ation. =Scanners5 comes t mind t oug . I *as reading Ste( en )ing@s !ell% on a &it of * im * en my electric *as off tem(orarily% 6ust last nig tLt is morning. E'eryone turns into a maniac * en t ey use t eir cell ( one. It@s really a ?om&ie a(ocaly(se. I &oug t anot er no'el some mont s &ac$% * ere e'eryone turns ultra'iolent. It@s not a 'ery original idea t en% &ut S)5s ex(ert at in'ention% action. 0ay&e t e sim(lest ideas are t e &est. Ce s(inned it out to almost >00 (ages. / ere@s / e #ome. I (ic$ed u( a co(y in -roug ton Street for V1.>0. It@s as long as / e Hord

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of t e Rings% or " .laston&ury Romance 83r "!I0. 3r Pullman5s Cis #ar$ 0aterials. -ut not as long as !I5s S(ider Iorld series. 3r S)5s #ar$ /o*er series come to t at9. I sa* t e latter no'el in Ric ard@s today in t e Iest Port. I really *ant to get it. I get t e feeling I could get lost in it. I only $no* of Po*ys t roug reading !I5s !raft of t e <o'el% ot ers. "ny*ay... I@ll find a *ay to @fictionalise@ it. Iomen a'e *ritten accounts. I s ould read t em. I@m getting 'ery slee(y, *is I adn@t &oug t t at fis su((er no*. -ut I@m loo$ing for*ard to scoffing it. Smetana@s 0a 4last is (laying on Radio 3. Thurs ?huh@A I@m *atc ing 8/ e9 Proms: Strauss and Si&elius. It@s introduced at t e &eginning &y Petroc /rela*ny. I used to t in$ is name *as Pets o(. I at a silly name I t oug t. Ce *as standing outside t e "l&ert Call. Hess t an a second &efore e@s done% a 6ogger runs into 'ie* &e ind im. It loo$ed so intentional as to &e utterly contri'ed. I@'e &een noticing t is ;uite a lot no*. !yclists al*ays come into 'ie*% no matter o* narro* t e focus% s ort t e (iece. / e o&'ious o&6ection *ould &e I@m more sensitised no*. -ut t at *as intentional. It@s for a reason. I t in$ t is is t e same t ing% t at t ey don@t miss a tric$. / at *ay t ey can get to undreds% (ro&a&ly t ousands at a time% s(oil t eir 'ie*ing% remind t em t ere@s @no esca(e@% laug ing in (lain sig t. It exists% it goes on, t ey *on@t miss suc an o((ortunity. It *as so o&'ious t is time% t at it loo$ed 6ust li$e it does on t e street ere% or any street, t e intentional *ay t ey ?i( into 'ie*% t en slo* do*n% face on to t e camera t is time. It *ould also &e a *ay of (resenting t emsel'es as u&i;uitous% t ro*ing scorn on any suc o&ser'ations in ad'ance. / e concert is on --! 4. / e same concert &roadcast on Radio 3 t is afternoon. I *as *atc ing a dated film recently, I s ould@'e mentioned it at t e time% as I@'e forgotten it no*. I *as (aying attention to t e &i$es. Ias it #3"% *it #ennis :uaidG 2rom 1NMM. -ut t at *as a&out a'ing to sol'e is o*n murder% a slo*+acting (oison or drug. It *as filmed *ell% &ut (retty a*ful *it its dreadful 03R

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soundtrac$. Ce@s a tenured (rofessor% a @failed@ no'elist. Ce (u&lis ed one &oo$% lost t e s(ar$% so to say. " college friend is &erating im. / e (lace is full of &i$es of course% as you@d ex(ect on a uni'ersityLcollege cam(us. -ut t is is a film, t ey *ouldn5t *ant t ings in t e s ot t at s ouldn@t &e t ere, it@s all staged. -e ind t em% on t e ridgeLroad% a cou(le of &i$es intersect, 6ust t e once I t in$. / ere *as lots of t at in / e /ruman S o* of course% and a lot else &esides% *it cyclists% 6oggers, literally staged of course, more so. In t is film% it made for a (ictures;ue% naturalistic little ta&leau. 2inding 2orresterG Iit Sean !onnery as t e one it *onder. It5s a s ee s ee /4 s itty. / e concert *as ama?ing. / ere *as a &rea$ for an inter'ie* *it t e conductor. <o &i$es or 6oggers, a fat &int *al$ed &y% ot ers% a *oman (us ing a (ram% $ids% a red &ag. / e so(rano for Strauss@ 2our Hast Songs *asQ ama?ing. / e last song is su&lime, Summer <ig t% I t in$. I5'e eard it often enoug o'er t e years. / en% a modern (iece &y a 2innis com(oser. Eterna 0agica. " title li$e t at is going to gra& me. / e music li'ed u( to t e title% &ased on Ingmar -ergman@s auto&iogra( y / e 0agic Hantern. I meant to read it years ago, I don@t a'e it% t oug . / en Si&elius@ Kt Sym( ony. De cannie * ac$ it. It *ould &e great if t ere *ere some )anc eli% &ut I@m guessing t ere *on@t &e. I did a lot of s(eculation t roug it% as one does% most of it gone. .ot to t in$ing of S% t e fact s e too$ (art in an u(date 7 more of a re(eating loo(% may&e% ofQ an occasional comedy sta(le of sorts. I at@s to sayG S e@s a tric$ster. / e t oug t t at t ere s e is% on t e *orld stage% so to say% 6ust li$e t em% t e centre of a uge audience% and s e@s a &orn self+decei'er% a ty(ical narcissistic (assi'e+aggressor. / ere@s no dou&t s e ates me% t at s e@s one 'olatile% furious indi'idual. /y(ically dissociated% c am(ioning t eir (ossi&ly e'en more deranged (oliticians% &lissfully una*are s e s ares t e same secret agendas% strategies s e *ould a'e us &elie'e are as trans(arent as erself. Just li$e t e !ourse says% ne'er trust your good intentions. S e does of course, er o*n. I@m not t at dum&% as )urt once sang. <eit er is s e% mind you% &ut narcissists generally aren@t, t ey tend to &e 'ery good at cynicism% of see$ing out sin% guilt% fear% laying

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&lame% (ro6ecting, t e usual sus(ects. I su((ose if I *ere onest% I could say I =&le* it5. I don@t loo$ on it t at *ay t oug . I didn@t li$e t is im(erious% =ne'er in t e *rong5 attitude of ers. E'en * en s e ac$no*ledged it% s e *as insuffera&le% (atronising% and arrogant a&out it, sa* all t e cards as ers. It seemed a&surd% t e (resum(tuousness of it% t e fact I could cut loose anytime% and $ne* I@d a'e to. / e &itc is 6ust one &ig guilt tra(. S e enmes ed me in it (retty muc from t e outset% re(eated it (eriodically. I y s e t in$s any one *ill (ut u( *it t at is... -ut t at@s t e (oint. I could ne'er &e central in any *ay of course. I al*ays $ne* I *as dis(osa&le. -ut mainly% I sim(ly didn@t need it. It ad its flattering as(ects% needless to say% &ut I@d ne'er let t at o'ers ado* $ee(ing my eye on t e &igger (icture% t e narcissistic agenda, ers. / at it *ould all &e 6ust a means of ex(loitation for flattering er ego. "s usual% s e@s t e (erfect foil% or% $ne* o* to (us my &uttons. 0ay&e it5s a mista$e to remo'e myself from t e situation% I don@t $no*. -ut * en it &ecomes a (ain in t e arse% (ainful (syc ically% emotionally% I 6ust t in$ =forget it5, I@m tired of ma$ing excuses for destructi'e+minded% s(oilt c ildren. /ired of t em assuming I@m o so emotionally de(endent on t em% &e olden to t em. "nd t ey $no* * at t ey@re doing% *it t is guilt tri( &y association t ing% o* it loo$s. I@m so sic$ of t at. / e tec nology% media &ecomes 6ust anot er extension of t eir narcissism. <o *onder s e doesn5t a'e $ids, s e@d &e t e =monster5 s e sees in e'eryone else. I@'e really come to disli$e er. It@s (ossi&le I@ll come to feel differently% &ut I@m at an im(asse no*. "nd as al*ays% t ere@s a strongly tri'ial as(ect to it all% certainly destructi'e. I can see er as (rotecting er o*n% &ut &asically% s e@s arrogant. #id I say t atG 0ost of t em are. It@s to &e ex(ected% tal$ing as if t ey@re royalty. / ey sol'e not ing, t ey@'e no real insig t into t emsel'es or t e *orld. I at@s a &unc of one+liners% o*e'er contro'ersialG <o* I see s e@s 6ust anot er self+rig teous t*on$% (reac ing to t e con'erted. I often *onderLed o* anyone can face suc large audiences. I@m getting an idea no*. / ey@re all Citler. I mean t ey@re so certain of t emsel'esLclosed+minded% t ey &elie'e most (eo(le% t eir fans%

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t eir audience% t in$ t e same *ay as t ey do% &ecause it@s t e only *ay to &e. In s ort% it@s t e mo&% s(ecialness% o*e'er @radical@. Cig lig ted &y #enis Heary% t e Insider@s =3utsider5. / at@s my little ta$e on Ru(ert S eldra$e descri&ing Ste( en 2ry as t e stu(id (erson@s cle'er (erson. / at co'ers e'ery multi+ stal$ing minion in a nuts ell% as *ell as Its * ole 0.3. / ey@re t e 0.3.R of 0.3.@s. / ey@re s(eeding do*n t e street no* 7 not literally 7 &ecause of my s outing at t em 8E#id you steal...GF9% attracting attention to t em. 0ay&e t ere *ere ot ers in t e street I didn5t@ see at t e time. ! u(stairs loo$ed out is *indo* &efore% I t in$. " fe* of t ose% and t eir co'er in (lain sig t is &lo*n. "not er o(tion for t em is * en% coming in from t e rig t% to cycle into t e *or$s o((osite% go around and u( t e &ac$ and out to t e to( of t e street again. / e 6oggers do t e same. #id you steal my trac$suitG S it% ere@s Scotland@s Silent #eat s. Co* ironic% considering t is situation as &een descri&ed as t e silent olocaust% and in Scotland to &oot% of course. I al*ays $ne* I mig t a'e to face a modern olocaust% ex(erience t e -ro*ns iZts for myself. It@s a&out suicide. I@m getting t e (icture. / e rele'ant aut orities aren@t listening% to (eo(le in distress. It@s all a&out a cull. 4accines to @(re'ent@ illness% deat % (eo(le &eing ta$en off @t e sic$@ 7 disa&ility 7 and left to fend for t emsel'es% (eo(le getting t eir unem(loyment &enefit cut% $ids again% as in t e (rogram% left to fend for t emsel'es, old fol$s and t e mentally deficient or ill% &adly treated at omes% residences% old% ill fol$s left to star'e andLor de ydrate to =free u(5 os(ital &eds% t e =care5 (at *ay. It5s o&'iously murder &y any ot er name% al*ays t e o((osite of * at t ey call it and say it is. It@s ironic t at t e mental @ ealt @ system@ is su((osedly t ere to el( (eo(le 7 one re(resentati'e trotted out t e old statistic of one in four (eo(le in Scotland suffer from mental illness 8a (ro(ortion of t ose must &e t e multi+stal$ing minions and t e rest too% t en9, t e narrator ;uoted four (leas a mont , &ut according to a co( at /ayside Police 7 #undee and

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"ngusLsurrounding area 7 t ey a'e to deal *it 1>0 a mont on a'erage. / at sounds li$e an e(idemic. "nd t at@s 6ust /ayside% as t e &lo$e (ointed out. In t e meantime% you a'e all t ese fuc$*its% t e minions% on &e a'e of t e system and t eir o*n em(ty li'es% from all *al$s of deat % trying to $ill (eo(le% dri'e t em to suicide. It@s a fuc$ed u( *orld. <o% t at *asn@t * at I meant to say. I at5s t e common denominator ereG I@'e already said. It@s deat , murder. I o &enefitsG / e P/- and t eir fait ful serfs. / e Illuminati. / e <I3. / at@s got me in t e frame of mind for reading Ic$e@s ne* &oo$. I *onder if it@s out yetG 8It *as (u&lis ed mont s &efore% t e &eginning of t e year% dor$ t at I am9, I really really *ant to get it. Reading im again *ould get me &ac$ into t e feel% t e con'iction of $no*ing all t is orses it is orses it. 0ind you% t e 2acimLIa(nic$ material as &een great% reminding me once again% I@'e &een really s it at ta$ing in "!I0. / e net more t an sufficed in t e meantime% &efore I let it go again. Ic$e5s ne* &oo$ *ill get me u( to s(eed for t e most (art. 3f course I need to ma$e t e time to read it. "nd $ee( t e money for it. I a'en@t e'en read any more !ell yet. "t t e moment% it@s 2amily .uy. I@'e still to &ag &loody (rints. I@m fore'er (rocraStinating. It@s c ronic. -ecause I *on@t sto( *riting% reading. I en I *asn@t succum&ing to do?ing. " reaction to... -S o'erload. / e same res(onse I used to a'e% many (eo(le a'e% in t eir dealings *it narcissists% t e (syc o(at s% t e @nice@ (eo(le. S(ecifically t e latter% as descri&ed &y Cer& .old&erg in !reati'e "ggression. "lso a defensi'e res(onse to reading "!I0% as it a((ens. "not er% related as(ect% is to gi'e in to t e im(ulse to slee( e'en * en I@m only a sli'er s ort 7 of slee(. / is is a $ind of o&stinacy on my (art I t in$% indulging in some sort of fantasy I can do * at I li$e% * en t e reality is of course% t at it often (ro'es extremely incon'enient% es(ecially * en I a'e to drastically &rea$ t at routine and &e u( early. E'en t en I ta$e t e (iss. I lost o'er V>0 recently% due to t at% not ma$ing it on time. It@s li$ely as muc confused *it a touc of unconscious ni ilism o'er t e situation in general% t e succum&ing to ='egging out5% lying around% trying to do?e * en I don@t need it% as I say. / at

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mig t &e a reflection of t e *is to esca(e into dreaming again% t e dream *orld% it can &e so... E'eryt ing E'eryt ing% or 6ust a&out. I ic is interesting% as I 6ust read t e section on /rue Em(at y earlier% on t e difference &et*een t e dreamer and t e dream% and I felt I really needed to read t at again% so it *as 7 great to read it again. I need to do t e o((osite% stic$ to a sc edule. / oug t at% again% could *or$ against me% &y not lea'ing enoug lee*ay for @t e miracle@ 7 sync ronicities etc% serendi(ity. / at@s (ro&a&ly not ;uite accurate% &ut it *ill do. " flexi&le sc edule t en. 0ine5s is way too @flexi&le@. I only ma$e t ings *orse for myself 7 sometimes. It@s toug no* t oug . I a'e all t is s it e'ery day. / e tem(tation is to stay in. I@d co(e &etter if I didn@t dream of re'enge. 3 is t e same. "s I say+ or as Seinfeld said% t e &est re'enge is success. I@m not doing too *ell on t at score eit er. I $ee( losing my stuff. I *as t in$ing of all my lost dra*ings% t e ones I did for (rints. / e P< $e(t t em all 7 t e (rime narcissist. I at *it (aintings going missing &efore% and due to t e current situation t oug % t is as gone on for o'er a decade, t ese (eo(le are a (lague. I at I need is to get t e fuc$ out of t is situation if I can% =t e system5. I need inde(endence% financially% my o*n (lace% e'en connections to c ec$ s it li$e t is% co'ert listening de'ices etc. 0oney may not &e t e solution &ut it *ould el(. It as to &e &etter t an cree(ing (o'erty. I@m going to mo'e t e ell out% drum u( some arty &usiness. I 6ust mig t &e a&le to co'er a communal rent% afford food% ex(enses. "nyt ing as to &e &etter t an t is. 0ore to t e (oint% I@d rat er ma$e it &ig% or &ig enoug . 0a6or no'elistL*riter &ig. S oc$ orror &ig. /o t e naysayers at least. Iouldn5t *e all. "gain% t ere@s t e t oug t of 6ust *riting t is% documenting it% en6oying *riting * ate'er I li$e. I@'e al*ays done t at, t e only difference no* is I@m trying it. I feel t at if I (erse'ere% $ee( at it% I@ll come u( *it somet ing% I@ll crac$ it. I don@t feel I s ould &e de(ri'ing t e *orld% so to say% ot ers% for t is s it eit er. 3r myself. It may not 6ust &e t is to*n% &ut it@s unli$ely it@s t e same all o'er, not to t is extent. It@s (ersonal *it t ese t*ats% &ecause I insulted t em. Eac as to demonstrate to t e ot er t ey can@t let it go, a 'icious circle. "ll t ey a'e is

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trying to ruin me. I can see to t at myself% lol% &y &eing t e *riter I al*ays intended to &e% $ne* I could &e. If I *ant to document it% t e =gs5 -S% I can do it ere in t e meantime% $ee( on to( of t ings. -ut do you $no* * at *ould &e really funnyG I at *ould gi'e me immense satisfactionG /o @ma$e it@ * ile I@m ere. In fact I *anted to com(lete somet ing &efore I5'e mo'ed% relocated. "nd t e last t ing I *ant to do is inad'ertently confirm t eir -S. 0y &igmout isn@t *or$ing for me, not in a *orld of narcissists. I a'e anot er o(tion, forget concerning myself *it indi'iduals 7 I $no* t ey li$e me any*ay% it@s t e later info on my situation t at &reeds dis armony% t ro*s a s(anner in t e *or$s e'en. -ut t e fact is t ey@ll ne'er ta$e t at a*ay from me, (eo(le li$e me. Similar to galleries a'ing acce(ted my (@s t en reneged on it later% t at $ind of t ing. It5s too late, I $no* I =ma$e t e grade5. "n @ideal@ situation t en% is to find a *ay to ex(ose t e situation * ile cutting out t e =middle man5 7 t em% and me, mainly / em. / is means finding a *ay to *rite a&out t e situation relati'ely dis(assionately% no'elistically. I can eit er centre it on someone else% a @fictional@ c aracter% or... I can *rite a @(rofessional@ non+ fiction account% an actual study. -ut t is *ould *iden t e sco(e more t an I@m *illing to deal *it rig t no*% or (er a(s e'er *ill. I could &e at t is fore'er. 3r I could come &ac$ to it. "nd any*ay% 0ar$ Ric as already done it in is *ay. Cell% 3 as done it. I ate'er t at means% exactly. I 6ust *anted to *rite somet ing I could u(load% (ossi&ly for sale at some (oint% com&ining *or$ and (leasure. I@'e since decided I need to =0ind Parasites it u(5 a &it. I@d already started off ;uite *ell on t at score% &ut it no* seems t at if I@m to carry on *it it I need to follo* t roug . "nd I@m not at t at stage yet. -y t at% I mean I a'en@t got a 'idcam yet% orLand a idden camera. -ut again% I a'en@t made u( my mind a&out t at eit er. 0ay&e I s ould 6ust ma$e it u(% see o* t e fantasy com(ares *it t e @reality@. I mig t (ic$ u( some ti(s from S) and Iilliam -oyd% a'ing 6ust finis ed 3rdinary / understorms. -ut e *ent into all t e se(arate &ut related situations% t e minds of t e c aracters. I@m not t at $no*ledgea&leLinformed. / is situation is *ay too...

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co'ert% com(lex. It@s as muc guess*or$. I a'e ot er interests. #a'id 2inc er used a meta( or: "s *ell as t at t e c aracter is 6ust arrogant 7 and ig ly successful in financial terms% t e =gs5 situation is t e .ame of t e title 7 of t e mo'ie. Ce@s gaslig ted% targeted% reduced to a s ado* of is former self. Ce as no idea * at@s going on% exce(t e can@t get t e =game5 to sto(. / is as direct (arallels *it t e gs situation, exce(t t at it@s no game% e'en if it is a 6o$e% a dream. -ut it@s cleared u( at t e end, t ey *ere all in on it. Ce disco'ers t is imself% so it lea'es t e ;uestion as to o* long it *ould@'e $e(t going if e adn@t. / e illogical% a&surd (remise is t at it *as to some o* &enefit im% and e acce(ts t is% * en% in terms of e'eryday ex(erience% t e intent is to destroy im% $ill im. / ere5s no getting around t is% exce(t in terms of furt er gaslig ting% trying to say &lac$ is * ite. / at it *as a game is -S. -ut it@s only a mo'ie of course% a fantasy. 2or ot ers% t e situation is a matter of sur'i'al% of (otential in6ury% deat % e'ery day. "s in t e mo'ie. "s for t e (syc ological intricacies of t is situation% *ell% I@ll 6ust a'e to *or$ on t em ere% as *it e'eryt ing else. 0y trou&le is an o(en mind can &e as muc of a indrance as el( * en I feel com(elled to ex(lore e'eryt ing. I@'e no definiti'e solution to t is situation% t at@s t e (ro&lem% or t e a((arent% seeming (ro&lem. Imagine li'ing during t e In;uisition% and t ey control most of t e $no*n *orld, yours. Dou@re (oor% de(endent on ot ers% t e land. / ey@re coming to your to*n% to s(read t eir fear and (aranoia. I at can you doG Ste( outside of timeG / e In;uisition lasted for >00 years. "s Ia(nic$ said% it@s still ere. "s P)#% Ic$e reiterated% Rome ne'er fell. <o* *e a'e a secret cull% a secret In;uisition, it@s ere. -ut it@s (ro&a&ly al*ays &een around in anot er sense, a 0asonic cons(iracy in (art. / ere are so many elements it seems% &ut all (art of t e same goal, *orld domination. <eit er t at nor t e In;uisition *as t e &eginning. / at it goes &ac$ t ousands of years% t at it@s ongoing% and is out to get most of t e rest of t e (o(ulation is a modicum of solace, t at it@s not only targeted indi'iduals, *e5re all =/Is5 no*% or 'ery soon *ill &e. It@s a (olice state. 0any (eo(le are agreed on t at. / is is t e *ay to treat it. I o gi'es a toss a&out t eir tactics

40>

rig t no*% exce(t in t at it (ro'ides materialG I o cares a&out t ere guilt+mongering * en t is is a (art of t eir tried and tested met ods * ate'er t e situationG P)# *as 6ust as =(aranoid5% arassed etc. <o one sus(ected im of anyt ing =de'iant5% exce(t for is drugs may&e. /rue% e tended to date and marry muc younger *omen% &ut t at5s acce(ta&le% or *as. 3ne *as /essa # of course. S e5s ne'er seen anyt ing unto*ard or $in$y in t at. / e most o&6ecti'e *riting for me% is Ia(nic$@s. Ce says * at needs to &e said * ate'er t e situation e@s so o&6ecti'e. 0y trou&le is a com&ination of getting suc$ed into 'irtual cons(iracies% 6ust as t ey *ant. P)# *rote Radio 2ree "l&emut as S2% yet% it *as (u&lis ed (ost umously e *as so a((re ensi'e of t e reaction it mig t engender% mostly from t e ="ut orities5% t e (t&. 0ost of t e onus as &een on t e aut orities% / ey% =t e 0an5. Ce *as ne'er seen as t e &ad guy as suc % exce(t &y corru(t co(s. Ce did ex(ress some anger o'er Carlan Ellison getting im into trou&le *it t e (olice &y claiming e *as into drugs. Ce *as &ro$en into too of course% is &elongings ransac$ed% and files stolen. Ce didn@t $ee( it to imself. -ut e *as a famous *riter &y t en. Ce did *rite t*o 'ersions. / e ot er *as t e earlier 4alis. I@'e ne'er figured out all of t is as a * ole% &ut it@s ardly sur(rising, t e goal is to disorientate. "nd it@s as muc t e goal to (re'ent me from *riting any more% or li'ing in any =real5 sense at all. I don@t t in$ t ey@re so concerned *it t at or may&e my com(uter *ould &e sa&otaged &y no*. I t in$ t ey t in$ I@m an idiot% an amusing &uffoon. / eir focus is t e &ody% confusing t e *orld% t eir tric$s and games% *it t e mind. I@m ex(loring actual mind% and trying to *rite a&out it too. I could do *it rereading Radio 2ree "l&emut again. I *asn@t so concerned a&out t is as(ect &efore. -ut no*... e'eryt ing as mor( ed% (olitically. Ie@re all (otential terrorists no*% as Jo n Pilger *rote. It@s relati'ely easy to &ecome a target of t e state% e'en locally. / ey@re all dor$s. I ad only to *atc some of Scotland /oday earlier 7 yesterday no* 7 and t e s ort feature on Iet Iet Iet to see * at fuc$ing idiots t ey are and t e audience t ey cater to. <o Jesus Hi?ard or Joy #i' or / e 2all here. 3r 0aga?ine% or

40B

/ e #ead )ennedy@s% or <o0eans<o% or... I could go on. Hoo$ at t e !ouncil ere% t eir utilities. Police% fire de(t% am&ulance% taxis, t ey@re all at it+ s it ead su(ermar$ets too, it@s a ot&ed of snea$y% 'iolent+minded aggression. / ey5re clueless% as you@d ex(ect from t eir &land music tastes. " idden cauldron of re(ressed atred. It@s a mad ouse% 6ust as ! arlton Ceston as /aylor said in Planet of t e "(es. It@s *ort ex(osing for t e (assi'e+aggressi'e% snea$y &astards t at t ey are and al*ays a'e &een% using it in * ate'er context t at suits t em. Picture a @lo'e5 relations i( *it any of t ese (eo(le. Im(ossi&le, t ey all li'e a lie. / ey@re t e im(ostor (eo(le% t e insane (eo(le% t e @nice@ (eo(le. Hi$e t e !omedian erself% for all er su((osed su&'ersi'eness, 6ust anot er ( oney% and detests me &ecause I see rig t t roug it. "not er self+decei'er. / at@s * y s e tried to scre* me% laid er cards on t e ta&le% and *ent for &ro$e. I5m out of similes. S e ad to &e rig t. / ese (eo(le are 6ust (art of t e (ro&lem. S e can go scre* erself and er idiot &oyfriend. I@m done *it t e small+minded &iatc . I@ll gi'e er =$no* it all5. I@ll &lo* t is a(art. In my o*n small *ay. I mig t e'en sa'e some li'es% &ut first of all mine. /rust er to &ig u( c arity and try to destroy anyone * o sees troug t e y(ocrisy. I detest t ese (eo(le. -ut t is is * at t ey a'e to do to sur'i'e in t e *orld, t ey &ecome t e ego and its *orld in t eir t in$ing. 3 I5m sure s e &elie'es s e li$es me% e'en lo'es me in er o*n *ay, I5m tal$ing a&out t e unconscious atred t at moti'ates most of us, t e atred *e 'e emently deny in t e 'ery (rocess of (ro6ecting it. Self+(rotection so easily mor( s into its o((osite. So s e reflects t e (at ology of er country and t e (eriodQ in t e dream of istory. I at else is ne*G In t e end% I can5t really &lame er for it, &ut t at5s no reason to let yourself &e suc$ed into t e (at ology. "s if I adn5t ad enoug of t at for most of my life. / ere5s a *ay around t is and I@m going to find it. I t in$ I already a'e, t e ans*er is =(olitical5. Cell% I@m already an 3utsider% an artist% a nonconformist% a @trou&le+ma$er@% a scrounger% a *aster% t e (ro'er&ial =*or$s y fo(5, * at more do t ey needG 0ay&e I s ould s(lit myself into a fe* c aracters as

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#ic$ did *it 4alis+ if t ey don5t get t ere first. I could e'en *rite t*o 'ersions. / at *ould @sol'e@ t e (ro&lem of my current *riting dilemma% if not actually t e situation itself% t oug again% t at@s de(ends on attitude 7 and future de'elo(ments. "nd let@s not forget I first ex(erienced t is &ac$ at t e end of t e @N0s. !learly% t ere a'e &een furt er and more ominous (olitical de'elo(ments since t en. It didn5t &egin *it NL11. <ot &y a long s ot. Read c a(ter 1B of Ste( en )nig t5s &oo$ on t e 0asons% (u&lis ed in 1NM4. I *asn@t &ot ered for a * ile ere. It *as t e =gs5 co(s% exacer&ating it. / ey@'e al*ays &een self+rig teous do+ gooders% *or$ing and in and *it t e narcissists% for t ey@re narcissists t emsel'es% self+decei'ing y(ocrites. Racist% (ro'incial+minded% &iased% a((y to contri&ute to setting u( t e (olice state, and t is (lace for t e ot&ed of commie snitc es it is. 0y moti'ation% my detestation is of t e arm t ey do and t e (er(etuation of it t roug t eir &latant y(ocrisy. / ese (eo(le are nut?% insane. 3 I said t at alreadyG

40M

-riefing for a #escent into Cec$

Trivial Tales of Everyday Madness =

The (hange of (hara(ter brought about by the u+ rush of (olle(tive for(es is ama;ing$ 6 gentle and reasonable being (an be transformed into a mania( or a savage beast$ Bne is al3ays in(lined to lay the blame on eCternal (ir(umstan(es2 but nothing (ould eC+lode in us if it had not been there$ 6s a matter of fa(t2 3e are (onstantly living on the edge of a vol(ano2 and there is2 so far as 3e 1no32 no 3ay of +rote(ting ourselves from a +ossible outburst that 3ill destroy everybody 3ithin rea(h$ It is (ertainly a good thing to +rea(h reason and (ommon sense2 but 3hat if you have a lunati( asylum for an audien(e or a (ro3d in a (olle(tive fren;y@ There is not mu(h differen(e bet3een them be(ause the madman and the mob are both moved by im+ersonal2 over3helming for(es$ 0Psy(hology and Deligion4 ?#)=>A$ In CW ##: Psy(hology and Deligion: West and East$ P$2* 5 'ung The higher the sun rises2 the less shado3 it (asts$ 5 Eao T;u

"aturday < 'uly 2 #2 / e increase in arassment comes as a sur(rise to me% as

40N

al*ays% t oug it s ouldn5t. I too easily forget t eir moti'ationLs: to disru(t any $ind of connection% anyt ing t at mig t &enefit me% socially% financially. / ey *ant to &loc$ t at. / e idea is to $ee( targets isolated of course% de(endent% and el(less. I5m not allo*ed to utilise t e resources around me% e'en t oug t e source of t ose recourses is my o*n talent% artistic a&ility% * ile t ese dic$s go around on &i$es t in$ing t ey5re t e coc$ of t e *al$% or so t ey &elie'e. / ey (roduce 0 of course. It5s (ro&a&ly t at a&out me t at annoys% infuriates t em. / e last t ing t ey *ant is to see me as (roducti'e. / eir (etty resentment su(ersedes any &enefit it mig t a'e in terms of en6oyment% interest to (eo(le, a constant reminder of * at t ey can5t do, t at at all t ey do is in'ent% or in t eir case% follo*% do * at t ey5re told. =!reati'ity5 is &eyond t em. I stand as a constant reminder of t at. 3ne of t em came u( &e ind me ;uite early% after I5d got around t e corner into !laremont St% &ut in my intuiti'e *ay% I antici(ated it% &ut not consciously, I *as c ec$ing out t e traffic, Het t em see I $no* * at5s going on and *ill remem&er t eir faces. I get it no*, me mildly ridiculing t em from t e *indo*% t ey a'ing to ?i( &y, t is is t eir re'enge. I eld my &i$e orn li$e a dagger, <orman -ates in Psyc o% tooting it. I5d 6ust (assed a grou( sitting outside t e (u&% so t ey sa* t is. "s I (assed t em I sa* t e &int cycling along t e (a'ement% t is after s e tried to &e t ere for me as I reac ed t e to( of t e lane off #unedin St. Ce 6oined er later% o&'iously *or$ing toget er. I *as aggressi'e% s*ore at t e tosser. "fter t e routine denial% gaslig ting% e called me a =frea$5% s(oiling is attem(t at anonymity some* at, I5d annoyed im &y antici(ating im coming u( from &e ind. EI at did you call meGF e didn5t re(eat it% cycled off. 0y mot er called me t at once. I y didn5t I t in$ to say EDour mot er Suc$s cor$s in ellGF 8Jo nny #angerously 7 0ic ael )eaton9. -ecause * en I get too serious I forget my funnies, * en I allo* myself to get =(issed off5% t at is. / ey came toget er a &it furt er u( t e street% meeting at t e same close. / ey ma$e no attem(t to ide or disguise * ere t ey li'e. <ice to &e a&solutely (ositi'e t e target is ne'er going to =lose it5% to feel so confident% (rotected t roug t e t oug t of ot ers * o are not e'en around at t e

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time% some of t e time. Hunacy in a nuts ell. Iould t ey really get to me &efore I get to one of t emG Suicide is 6ust t e ot er side of t e coin to murder% as any idiot s ould $no*. If I *ere really dri'en t at far% and as literally intended% ma$e no mista$e a&out it *it t ese (eo(le and t eir idiot guides in mutually insanity% *ouldn5t t ma$e more sense to ta$e one or t*o *it me or as many as I couldG Ca'en5t I &een accumulating all t e e'idence I need% or *ill go on to do soG / at5s t e difference. It5s still to &e done. -ut I $no* t e same cra( *ill $ee( rig t on coming% &ecause t at5s * at t ey do. / ere5s no carry o'er of real learning% only * at t ey t in$ t ey can utilise for furt er (ro'ocation and emotional im(act% (syc o(at styli% e'ery @ne*&ie@ t in$ing it5s &ig and cle'er% t at it5s all so*n u(% t ey a'e it all figured out. -ut t at5s terminal one+sidedness for you% and * y t eir good communities $ee( getting it *it =inex(lica&le5 tragedies. Iill =medication5 from misguided doctors or (syc iatrists on t e ta$e% or in fear of t e same treatment t emsel'es% cure t e co'ert stal$ingG # said t ey carried on t e same t ing% gaslig ting% * en e 'oluntarily committed imself in =t e Royal Ed5. 3t ers a'e said t e same. Ce tried descri&ing t e situation &efore and% &ut t ey denied t ere could &e any (ossi&ility of suc a t ing ta$ing (lace% needless to say. I5m tal$ing a&out t e co'ert stal$ing and relentless gaslig ting t at &roug t im t ere. It5s a &lue(rint for c aos. / ey5re already c aotic. / ey5re *orld is turning to s it. 0ay&e I s ould 6ust &eat t em to t e (unc % t en% * en I5m released% mont s or years later% t ey mig t t in$ t*ice a&out carrying it on. 3r *ould all t e more% in t eir endless loo( and set u(s. 3r t e (olitical situation may a'e c anged &y t en, t at *ould &e a &it ironic. I forgot a&out my (otential strategy of (retending to &e c ec$ing out guns. I5d mentioned it in t e (re'ious *riting I lost. !olin Iilson5s c aracter% Cug .reen% in / e Iorld of 4iolence% (u&lis ed in 1NB4 I t in$% 6oins a gun clu& after &eing targeted &y some local yo&s, &ut e ends u( tossing it a*ay% $no*ing% saying t e situation *ould deteriorate into endless (ermutations e as no *ay of antici(ating. / is after e s oots one% in6uring im. I could do *it rereading t e

411

no'el again. It seems almost li$e yesterday I reread it% &ut I t in$ it *as 1NNN. / e trou&le is e *as t irty+t ree * en e *rote it I t in$% so I5ll loo$ on it as a young man5s *or$% o*e'er &rilliant it is, yet it seems almost li$e yesterday * en I *as t irty+t*o% t irty+t ree myself% telling myself I s ould *rite my o*n 'ersion ofQ / e 0an Iit out " S ado*. I could al*ays let it &e $no*n I5'e 6oined a gun clu&. 0ay&e t ey5ll get t e idea, t at if I go loo(y% as seems to &e t e intention% *ell% anyt ing could a((en. 3r t ey may 6ust assume I already a'e% and t is is my res(onse 7 some (lanned% met odical may em. / ere are al*ays .uns and "mmo mags% t at $ind of t ing. I couldn5t carry around a concealed *ea(on of course% or anyt ing dangerous, t ey5d catc me out% setting me u( *it t e co(s. -ut t ey could t in$ I mig t, t at *ould &e t e general idea. / e trou&le no*adays is t at t ey5re out to get (eo(le in ad'ance% (re+em(ting% antici(ating t em &y s(otting =danger signs5% (otential =a&errant5 &e a'iour% and =t oug ts5. /y(ical t en% t at t is is * at t ey try and (ro'o$e% t oug it can ardly &e t at if it5s a res(onse to actual arassment% (ercei'ed danger% suc as staged accidents. I5m reluctant to call it (ersecution% t oug t at5s * at it is. J in "!I0 ma$es it clear *e5re not to &elie'e in (ersecution% and e *ould $no*. I really detest t ese fuc$*its in t eir y(ocrisy. I could al*ays &uy c ea( &oo$s on *ea(ons too% a'e t em t in$ I5m going *ea(ons mad. It5s an odd state of affairs as it is% considering t ey5re so literal+ minded% as t ese (eo(le generally are% * en I a'e a flat full of &oo$s on crime% serial $illers etc. I don5t t in$ t ey s are all t e info% (utting ot ers in * at t ey may &elie'e to &e arms *ay 7 me, It5s (ro&a&le% as I5'e said &efore% t at t ey loo$ on many of t em as collateral if need &e. In s ort% t ey use t em and eac ot er, t ere5s no real loyalty% or 6oining. "lternati'ely% t e =informed5 ones see me as =cle'er5 and rational% (otentially influential% and =dangerous5 for t at reason. "ctually influential. Dou ne'er $no* * ere your mind mig t go to if you go t roug t e routine% ta$e it far enoug . Iill I finally sto(% see t e funny side * en I a'e a gun+&arrel alf*ay do*n someone5s t roatG 3r u( t eir arse. I mig t as$ myself * y I5m t in$ing along t ese

412

lines in any caseG /o (ut t em off% arouse dou&t% uncertainty. It mig t 6ust ma$e matters *orse% if (ossi&le. "ll t e &etter to film% t en. / ey really ma$e it (retty easy for me. Just * o 8or * at9 do t ey t in$ t ey areG "not er &lo$e on t e (a'ement &y .reenside: I o are youG / is after I5d said: I t oug t I5d see you again. / is time t oug % a'ing (assed im 6ust yards &efore as s e ad a (seudo+ con'ersation *it some &int 7 0r Smart% 0r !ool *it t e lasses 7 narcissists li$e im% t em% e o(ened u( a (re+em(ti'e res(onse+ t oug I did do a &reat y little out+toot in (assing *it my semi+concealed clo*n orn: I5m t e &lo$e you5ll see in a minuteLs ortlyL See you s ortly% s orty tall. /a$e t e *ind out is sails in front of any &ints. I5ll see you at t e traffic lig ts% :uasimodo. "s *as t e case% e got onto t e (a'ement. I could5'e ta$en ( otos. 0y ands *ere full *it t e art (ortfolio and groceries for c ea( from Sommerfield. Hots of great c ea(ies% t ey5ll last me for days. I could say t eir arrogance is a&surd. Cey% mate, t e road5s o'er t ere 7 t is is t e (a'ementLHost againG / e latter is a good one as it5s inoffensi'e% 0 t ey can ta$e exce(tion *it out seeming c urlis % o'erreacting. E'ery t ing t ey *ant you to &e and less. "nd it5s s ort% easy to remem&er. Host againG / e road5s o'er t ere% mate. / at5s it% t at5s t e one. It5s a'ing an ans*er% li$e a good comedian% t at diffuses any frustration. 0ind you% I did say% as I said: I t oug t I5d see you again. EI o are youGF e said. EHoo$ * o5s tal$ing%F I re(lied. I ic is almost (erfect. I also li$e: /rying out your ne* tricycleG -ecause t ey do loo$ (retty fuc$ing stu(id% sitting t ere on t e (a'ement. So t e more ridiculous I ma$e t em loo$ t e &etter. "nd t at5s one of t e &est. CeL/ ey snic$er as it5s all t e more satisfying for t eir (etty egos to do it rig t on a cro*ded street% and no one t in$s t*ice% t oug t ey mig t *onder * y t is dor$ is (lanted in t e middle of t e (a'ement if t ey (ut t eir minds to it. 2or * ic reason% e'en t e &est come&ac$s are ultimately unsatisfying. I at I *ant is to ex(ose it. !onsidering it5s all a&out =anc oring5% t at5s all I need say in any case. I needn5t succum& to any 'irtual cons(iracies% and neit er a'e I ere.

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I t in$ t is is t e crux of t e matter, t is is * at it5s all a&out, t at% again% it5s a !atc 22 for me. -ut as I say% it can *or$ &ot *ays. "ll I need do is demonstrate t at it exists% not * y or o* it came a&out. / at5s all (art of t eir ma$es ift little im(ossi&le situation in any case% t e (erfect 'irtual cons(iracy% an as(ect of and furt er (retext for it% and carrying it on. It *ill soon &e 6ustified t roug furt er set u(s to use as fur er (retext. It5s all circular. / at *ay% I s ort+circuit t eir little game% ta$ing t e ma$es ift sting out of it% as *ell as... I atG I ile still retaining t e a&ility% t e means to demonstrate t is is a((ening% ex(ose it li$e ne'er &efore. / ey5re really going o'er&oard in a *ay. / ere *as a large Ranger Ro'er+styli% (ar$ed side*ays% &loc$ing t e *ay in #unedin St again% t is on t e *ay &ac$ after *al$ing do*n t e lane at t e to(. I5d intended going round t e &ac$. 3ne of t e small modern (ri'ate ca&s came into 'ie*% eadlig ts on, I fro?e on t e side*al$% sil ouette+styli% to ta$e t e (iss of course, it says I $no* it5s intentional% timed. I5d ex(ected it to come around after me% &ut t e engine faded% so I *ent &ac$ around% to see (eo(le% t e 'an &loc$age% so I tooted% *ent &ac$ around t e corner% c anged my mind% t in$ing I5d second+guess any cars etc. on t at side% t e &ac$% and *ent around into # St again% *al$ed do*n. I *anted to c ec$ out t is &loc$ing s it% see 6ust o* &latant it *as, I tend to find% in my mentally aggressi'e *ay% t at I *ant to see * at t ey5re u( to+ t at% and I don5t *ant anyone to imagine I5m intimidated% &ut t at t ey5re ade(t at inter(reting t ings as t ey c oose% reacting to t at% as (redators do. I let out a on$ as I (assed t e cou(le. I don5t t in$ t eir car *as t e &lac$ one, I need to (ay more attention. EI at *as t atGF t e &londe said. / ey didn5t seem to find it t e least &it odd t at some &lo$e is sitting side*ays 7 dia onally (ar$ed% as it5s on a small side o(ening to a 8closed9 *or$s. EIs t is for you tu&eGF I said% t in$ing t is *ould &e great for it. / en added EIt will &e.F I *asn5t e'en entirely con'inced I meant it. Ie5ll see * at *e5ll see. I5m ;uite good at t is adli&&ing no*. Ce ga'e me t is furti'e% dar$ loo$% as t ey often do% t e furti'e fearful+minded egos. 0ay&e it5s 6ust as *ell t e cou(le *ere still t ere. Perfectly timed &y me. It5s all a&out suggestion, t e a*areness e could go

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into re'erse. "nd anc oring. I at I really *ant is a 'idcam% I5m tal$ing myself into it% antici(ating it% and t ese dor$s *al$ rig t into it. / at and I5ll a'e to learn o* to (ut it on you tu&e as *ell as do it (retty ;uic$ly, * en it5s too late for any future -S from t e co(s% loo$ing for a (retext to ta$e it from me. It5s my a&ility to antici(ate it t at ma$es all t e difference% as *ell as t e s eer o&tuseness o'er t e &ugged situation. "gain% I t in$ it inges on t is !atc 22% =damned if I do% damned if I don5t5 situation. I t in$ t ey t in$ I *on5t do it% or *ill ne'er a'e t e means% t e *it. / ey couldn5t &e more *rong. I ate'er t e case% t ey5re really determined to alt me in my trac$s% really going o'er&oard. "ll t e more reason to do somet ing a&out it% catc t em in t e act. It5s *ay =out of order5 no*. I su((ose t e idea is to ma$e me crac$% =lose t e (lot5. -ut I5ll only e'er =lose it5 'er&ally. / ey li$ely $no* &y no* 0 came of t e attem(ted set+u(. / ey5ll &e all t e more (issed off a&out it. / is could &e retaliation% frustration on t eir (art% t e attem(t to (ro'o$e as I say. "nd demoralise. If I (ut my mind to it I can do t is. It may &e * at it5s all a&out% * at my life as &een leading to*ards% if (artly, It may *ell &e a 6o$e% &ut it5s a tiresome% t*isted one. / ey5re out to ruin li'es, mine. "nd t ey5re all at it. "ll t ose furging (ri'ate taxis at 6unctions today% corners% intersections% t e * ole time. / ey must &e missing fares t roug t is. Hotsa red cars too% an a&surd amount% same timing. P3 cans% es(ecially ere% al*ays ?i((ing in and out% t e ot er taxis% t ey5re all furging at it. It is of course% t e classic =loony tunes5 scenario, t is is * y t ey mimic it, t ere5s no reason for anyone to ta$e it seriously. I5m going to get it on film. Enoug . I5ll &lo* t is =*ide o(en5. " idden camera is a must 7 (ro&a&ly, at least for outside. Sound is far &etter too% as muc for my o*n remar$s. 4idcam for inside. -ut it *ill get stolen. I ere *ill I conceal itG In t e settee. 0ay&e I5ll 6ust document my e'entual decline% deat Lmurder% a'e it all on t e net as it ta$es (lace. / ey can eit er $ee( rig t on going% incriminating t emsel'es dee(er as it goes on% or let u(. " idden c is undou&tedly &etter% suc as for t e di(stic$s in t e 'an around t e corner, one gets u( carrying an axe% starts laying

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into t e trailer end of it as I (ass% t is 6ust around t e corner in -roug ton Rd. " clear message of 'iolence. / is after t e ( W d &lo$e% and t e 4irgin 0edia do(e. / ey5re all at it. I5d li$e to dum( (rintouts t ere too. "s *ell as e'ery* ere else t ese (eo(le a((ear% t e addresses t ey go to% rig t in front of me. / ey5re t at confidant% arrogant. It5s fascism in (lain sig t. -ut if I film t em (er(etrating t eir antics as *ell as going into t ose closes% flats etc. / oug t: #id you en6oy t atG #id it gi'e you t e satisfaction you ex(ectedG =#id it ma$e you feel li$e a &ig manG5 " *oman did t e car door t ingt ang from a distance% earlier today. I on$ed my orn as I *al$ed (ast er, s e nearly 6um(ed a mile. / e &enefit of sur(rise. I lo'e t ose orns. "not er &int on -roug ton St% standing loo$ing into er ( one% a mimic of t e &int t at did it on t e 0ound on 2riday% standing too close% s e erself mimic$ing me sto((ing loo$ing at my camera to antici(ate t e 6unction timing of du(es in cars etc. I did a small farty on$ as I came to er% t e same as I (assed. It lets t em $no* I $no*. I at can s e do% call t e co(sG Same for innocents * en I get it *rong. If t ey5re &ystanders% t ey *on5t =get it5 any*ay. "nd t e message doesn5t get (assed on. In t ese cases it o&'iously ad. It5s t e *ay t ey met odically% intentionally (osition t emsel'es, it5s unnatural% t e timing so trans(arent. I must &e annoying. =Pro6ection ma$es (erce(tion5. It *or$s &ot *ays. / at =must5 &e t e &asis for my strategy% suc as it is. I adn5t fully realised. S it+time% some tea% and &edtime. I5m t irsty. I5ll 6ust a'e more mil$. I *atc ed a fe* funny films. I *as ( ysically tired, I5m ea'y% out of s a(e. -oug t 6eans to go *it t e trousers t at don5t fit me eit er. I need to get u( a &it earlier% so I can go to &ed earlier. I5m done *it t is cra( too.

41B

"unday I5m 6ust *ondering o* long it *ill &e &efore I a'e to eat. I ad t is * ole &eef &ourguignon t is morning% early% &efore I *ent to &ed and it did me till a fe* ours after I sle(t in too. I didn5t eat till *ell into teatime, fis +fingers% t e * ole (ac$et% and t e last of t e creamy colesla*% &ut I *as still feeling t e after+effects of t e last ea'y meal% * ic is fine. I li$e t e idea of it lasting. E<ot ing lasts fore'er%F t ey5'e 6ust said on t is some* at &oring film% S(ar$le. I *is I could recall t e name of t e li$a&le mon$ey+faced actress I5'e ne'er fancied *it t e funny name. I5m dying to eat an ex(ensi'e (i??a I got c ea( too% t e second one. I ad t e first yesterday. It5s ;uite small. I can smell it% eating 'ery lo*. I &etter c ec$ it &efore it5s all dried out. Just in time. "nd t e film (er$ed u(. 3r I did. I feel I5ll get t roug t is. "nd if I don5t... *ell% it5s all a dream any*ay... is * at I *as t in$ing. Some targets dream of re'enge% no (un intended. It *ould &e 6ust anot er 'ariation on t e dream. I su((ose I could say it5s a matter of (syc ological (recision t at anyone * o &elie'es t ey can arm ot ers *it out it affecting t emsel'es is singularly nai'e. It5s *ort re(eating% and a((ens to t e &est of us. That ma$es all t e t*er(s * o ta$e (art% naU'e fools. S ould I ta$e solace in $no*ing t ey5ll al*ays &elie'e in illusions of lo'e% of 6oiningG I could say I5m only uman as are

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t ey. / e ego *ould a'e us say t at% &elie'ing in its o*n *ea$ness in t e form of strengt . / ere5s no means of re'enge% exce(t to ta$e it out on =society5 as a * ole% &ut as !I (ointed out% society is made u( of indi'iduals, (eo(le * o a'e 0 to do *it t e situation. 3ne could% if one *ere so inclined% ignore t at% rationalise it 7 or irrationalise it% &laming t em for t eir relati'e indifference% t eir ignorance% for em&racing fascism in its cree(ing% cree(y *ay. It *ould &e more a((osite% o*e'er misguided% to at least retaliate against t ose * o ta$e (art% * ic % under t e circumstances% o* it5s set u(% could &e only some of t em. / in$ a&out t at t oug , t e fact t at% e'en t oug one *ould =go do*n5 for it% * ate'er it may &e% t ey5d a'e t e result t ey *anted% at least in terms of your scre*ing u( &ig time% neutralising oneself to all intents and (ur(oses% t ey got rid of you. It *ould still send a message t oug . / at sometimes t e most calculated u&ris goes *rong, t at it5s a ris$y &usiness, t at it can &ac$fire on any =gung o5 (er( anytime. / ere5s &een a recent massacre in !olorado. " young &lo$e of 24 gunned do*n t*el'e (eo(le at a s o*ing of t e recent -atman film. Ce in6ured lots more, tens of (eo(le. It must a'e &een orrific. I find myself *ondering * at is story *ill turn out to &e% at least t e sanitised% media 'ersion. I dou&t !olin Iilson e'er gets to t e eart of t ese massacres eit er. / ere5s too muc *eird s it% (syo(s% denial% snea$y aggression going on in t e &ac$ground% as *it t e # massacre. "n irony of t e situation is t at -atman is a 'igilante of course% a self+a((ointed =do+gooder5L ero% as are all su(er eroes. 0ay&e e 6ust got tired of t e y(ocrites ta$ing in more y(ocrisy. If anyt ing% -atman s ould &e targeting t e corru(tion in (olitics% in go'ernment, go for t e &ig ones% t e source of t e (ro&lem if you really *ant to do somet ing a&out it% not s(end your life on t e sym(toms, t at5s for t e often self+ rig teous and t e rest% t at (rotect it, t ose (rotecting &ig &usiness% t e P/-. / at5s t e reality of t e situation. 4igilantism is for mainly fools% (eo(le * o see t e t ings t ey can5t face in t emsel'es in e'eryone else. I y s ould -atman &e any differentG Cis (arents are murdered% so e declares

41M

*arL'engeance on crime% understanda&ly. -ut t e murderer *ould a'e felt 6ust as aggrie'ed% des(erate and fearful on some le'el to &e a'e as e did% feeling e *as treated &adly &y life. / e ric % t e =elite5 mig t re(resent t at sense of &etrayal% of ex(loitation. Ce5d see is o*n (ast in -atman5s (arents. Hittle different from -atman li'ing in t e (ast% re(eating it o'er and o'er again in re'enge for is (arents5 deat , a 'icious circle. <ot t at criminals% murderers% serial $illers s ouldn5t &e sto((ed. -ut re(eating t e same cycle in anot er form% in attitude% is still re'enge &y any ot er name. It5s still t e same error% in t e guise of &elie'ing itself to &e somet ing else. / e (ro&lem isn5t out t ere% t e (ro&lem is in t e mind. It *ill ne'er &e fixed &y trying to fix t e dream. / e mind as to ma$e anot er c oice. I o(e I learn to. If I t oug t differently% if I didn5t $no* any &etter% I could easily ta$e a disastrous% catastro( ic route. "s I say% it *ould &e relati'ely sim(le to ma$e a statement. I could say t at internal 'iolence is no different from external 'iolence% 6ustifying it t at *ay% a'ing ex(lained myself ade;uately as it is already% if not ;uite * y it5s come a&out. / e fact is it as and is% and I need to ma$e t e c oice as to * at I can do a&out it% if anyt ing. I en all as(ects of local go'ernment are in'ol'ed% and t e rest close t eir eyes to it% or don5t $no* anyt ing a&out it% t ere5s little t at can &e done in any official ca(acity. It5s as clear t at it *or$s for t em &ecause it5s so un&elie'a&le% =outlandis 5 on t e face of it. It5s =un&elie'a&le5 &ecause t ey don5t go for alf+measures. / ey a'e t e man(o*er% t e *illing% useful olier and (rolier t an t ou idiots. / ey5'e al*ays &een around. I can see * y a young (erson could ta$e t e 'iolent route t oug , t ey already are. Hots of t e =(er(s5% t e stal$ers are fools in t eir t*enties% younger, feeling t emsel'es to &e t e ne* generation% ne* &lood% im(ortant locally and in &igger go'ernment% t e =community5, sim(listic+minded% one+ dimensional. / ey5re t e =*orlders5% t e (roduct of a =secular5% ( ysicalist+minded education system, t e left+&rainers t e system *ants% li$e t emsel'es, lo(sided% insane. -ut it all ma$es (erfect sense to t em. "nyone * o as retaliated in a 'iolent *ay is 6ust

41N

t e ot er side of t e same coin% a mirror+image (ro6ection of t at idden and internal% indirect% co'ert aggressionL'iolence. In s ort% t ey only a'e t emsel'es to &lame. / ey can loo$ on it li$e a lottery and 'ery li$ely do% &elie'ing in t e ollo* *isdom of t eir (syc o(at ic o'erseers * o gi'e t em a false sense of security% &e a'ing li$e gods% instructing t em as to * at t eir next mo'es s ould &e% t e (lan of co'ert attac$% creating t e im(ression t ey a'e e'eryt ing under control% co'ered% t at it can all &e (redicted and (redicated *it almost scientific (recision 7 or literally =scientific5, e'en t oug it *as designed &y *ar(ed% insane (seudo+(syc ologists, t at t e (erson% t e target can &e (redicted to &rea$ do*n% to unra'el along (redicta&le% relati'ely armless lines% so e or s e loses t eir tem(er% s outs and &a*ls in frustration% =loses it5 e'entually. If t ey do get to a murderous stage% t ey5ll internalise it% ta$ing it out on t emsel'es% t roug guilt% &ecause of guilt, for only a guilty% *ort less (erson could &e deser'ing of suc unrelenting% cruel treatment% and if t ere *ere a .od% *ell% Ce5s in on it too% or Ce5d a'e done somet ing a&out it &y no*% so t ere5s no esca(e% no *ay out% e'en in deat . "nd * o5s going to &e so stu(id as to assault or e'en murder any of t eir tormentorsG <one of t em as &een so orri&le indi'idually as to *arrant suc an extreme% terminal res(onse 7 t oug it all amounts to murder% t e intention and moti'ation &e ind it 7 and one5s o*n innate% dee( sense of guilt negates t at in any case% at least for t e treatment t at must &e deser'ed for * ate'er reason, * y *ould t ey do it ot er*iseG "ll of * ic is 6ust anot er as(ect of t e confidence tric$% of inflicting and (ro6ecting furt er guilt. / e target feels too guilty to e'en retaliate ade;uately% t roug t e cle'er mani(ulation of guilt to utterly demoralise t em% sa((ing t eir internal reser'es and sense of (ur(ose% &elief% in anyt ing at all. 3r so t e egosLego+mind *ould a'e it. It5s a &ully5s c arter% a reci(e for catastro( e. / e *onder is t ere isn5t more murder and may em% and not 6ust on / eir (art. / ey clearly &elie'e t ey a'e it all figured out. 0ay&e t ey do% at least in t e ego5s terms. / e matrix is almost com(lete% ( ysically and (syc ologically% or t at *as t e intention. / is is t e nig tmare t ey5ll ma$e for anyone

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* o crosses t em% or t reatens to ex(ose t is (syc o(at ic system. It can only get *orse. "ll t e smartarse comedians *ill fall &y t e *ayside as t e system ( ases t em out, t e truly radical ones *ill &e ;uietly dis(osed of. I don5t really feel li$e a no&ody. I feel more li$e P ili( ). #ic$% or -ill Cic$s. 3r Ro&ert "nton Iilson. / at *e5re on t e same *a'elengt % t at t ey5d a'e li$ed me. I5m not going to fall for t e narcissists (lan% t e *ay of 'irtual cons(iracy 7 t at &y tal$ing a&out somet ing% it only ser'es to exacer&ate it% as t at5s t eir *ay% t eir strategy, s(read t e &ad *ord &y negati'e suggestion t roug seemingly dis(arate% unconnected sources. -ut t e ego is one% o*e'er insane. Scre* t e scre*&alls and t eir slimy *ays. I can see * y ot er targeted (eo(le *on5t discuss t eir set+u(s or some as(ects of it 7 t eir nasty little strategies, &ecause it all *or$s t roug suggestion% re(etition. "nyt ing can stic$ if it5s re(eated often enoug . "nd if t ere is anyt ing in it% t ey5ll (ounce on it% ma$e a meal of it in t eir relentless goal to esta&lis t e reality of sin and guilt% exaggerating and exacer&ating to 6ustify t eir o*n &e a'iour% t in$ing li$e criminals t emsel'es% t at comes so naturally to t em% seeing all (ercei'ed mista$es as deser'ing of murder in any case% as merciless to t emsel'es as t ey are to t ose t ey see as em&odying t eir unconscious &elief in t eir o*n sinfulness and guilt% and *ill re(eat it% using t e same tric$s and games in t e (rocess, omission% distortion% guilt &y association / e narcissistic+minded% t e 'ery (eo(le * o &ring it a&out in t e first (lace in ne'er+ending circularity% t e same circle 6er$s% *or$ing in uns(o$en collusion% mar$ing out t eir silly t eatres of deat . E'ery as(ect of t is situation is designed on t e &asis of 'irtual cons(iracy 7 t at t e target can ne'er *inL*ill al*ays &e t e loser. 0y 'ie* is t at it s ould &e &roug t into t e o(en% ex(osed * ate'er. It *as only a matter of time &efore I *as targeted any*ay% t at it *ould only get *orse% some trigger on my (art according to t em and t eir t*isted inter(retations% t at *ould 6ustify t em going t e * ole og% targeting me for outrig t murder% if in its relentless% =slo* $ill5 *ay, unless I *al$ into a car t at ?i(s around a corner or out of a *or$s ere *it out &ee(ing 7 as usual.

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Pro&a&ly t e most tiresome as(ect is t e t oug t t at one reason it $ee(s on as it does from year to year% decades for some (eo(le% is t at in a *orld of &odies as t ese (eo(le &elie'e all t ey are and t e *orld is% is t at t ey don5t gro*% emotionally. / ey ne'er learn to see outside of t e narcissistic mindset 7 and e'en if &y some miracle t ey do as t ey get older% or 6ust *ant a more settled life% t ere *ill al*ays &e more egos to ta$e t eir (lace. " more o(timistic t oug t is t at t e *orld can5t go on li$e t is and o(e to sur'i'e indefinitely. It isn5t natural, it5s against sense and sanity% t e (rocess of true e'olution 7 o*e'er muc an as(ect of t e dream t at is also 7 and t e e'entual 6oining *it t e =galactic community5 7 if t e Re(tiods don5t ma$e mincemeat of us all first. Co*e'er 6ustified t ey mig t &elie'e it to &e% t ese (eo(le are fruit and nut6o&?% fools, t ey go no* ere, t eir ultimate leaders are (syc o(at s as are many of t ose * o ta$e (art. "s I say% one need only loo$ at t e lo*est common denominator to see t e rest in (ers(ecti'e. It doesn5t matter o* res(ecta&le t ey mig t &e or seem on t e surface% * at (rofessions t ey *or$ at, t ey5re all yo&s in attitude% emotionally. / ere are still (rintouts. It may &e a dream% &ut t at doesn5t mean I5m ne'er to &e (roacti'e. It mig t not &e suc a &ad t ing to a'e t em face t eir real intention, it mig t gi'e t em food for t oug t. It *ill certainly niggle on some of t eir minds. / at% and t eir neig &ours can &e a*are of it too. It5s not as if t ey a'e any com(unction a&out s(reading t eir o*n orses it. Self+ rig teous do+gooders ne'er do. / ey5re fanatics. "s fanatical as any = oly roller5. / ey5re on a mission, from =.od5% o*e'er unconsciously. / ey li'e in a dream *orld. "nd t ere5s t is of course. I can *rite a&out it in my *ay until t e co*s come ome. If one *as going to &e =suicidal5 a&out it% t is mig t &e t e *ay to go, 6ust &e =rec$less5% t ro*ing caution to t e *ind. P otogra( t e socio(at s% film t em going into t eir (lace of residence. / ey do t at all t e time% often straig t after t eir latest =little5 arassmentLanc oring s$it for t e day% or in t at instance, I see t e same faces at any (oint in t e day% t e same cra(% 'ans etc. / ey li$e to ma$e a (oint of letting you $no* t ey *ere t ere

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from t e &eginning to t e end. / e ideal end for t em is t e target5s demise. 3r t ey5ll mo'e on to anot er% or focus more on t em% until it5s done, a matter of (reference and (riority I su((ose, * oe'er as (issed off someone t e most. / e ego al*ays needs an enemy. / ey see t emsel'es as untouc a&le% as I say. / is may *ell &e due to some exaggerated idea &ased on com(ounding (ro6ected guilt, t at t e target is so &am&oo?led &y it all% t e dou&le+&inds% t at t eir ands are literally tied% (syc ologically, t at t ey5re literally at t eir *its end, t at t ere really is no *ay out% round or t roug t is. 2uc$ t em, I5ll 6ust do t e o((osite. Sometimes you a'e to &e a contrary &astard. I5ll o(en u( my &ig mout % documenting t e (rocess as I go along% as so many ot er targets do and a'e done, t ey don5t all ma$e it% as is t e intention. / ey5ll a'e to $ill me to s ut me u(. / e goal is to $ill me and s ut me u( any*ay% so * at do I a'e to loseG / is is t e con'erse of t eir t*isted logic t at t e least =sin5% t e least mista$e is as deser'ing of (unis ment and deat as t e most einous. <o* t oug % it5s ta$en on a =life5 of its o*n. It5s all a matter of (etty trium( % of one+u(mans i( for t em. / ere5s almost a =good umour5 a&out it sometimes. It5s not as if I5m a ated c aracter% or at least not &y all of t em &y a long s ot. "s I5'e said% some of t em a'e e'en dro((ed t eir roles% as$ed if I5m =o$ay5. It can &e ;uite &i?arre. / is is usually in res(onse to me ma$ing it clear% if in a calm *ay% t at I =$no* t e score5% * at t e game is. / ese a'e usually &een t e older ones+ t oug not al*ays. / e younger ones are more o&durate% o&tuse, t e u&ris is often stronger. / ey stic$ to t e gaslig ting denial mode e'en * en it5s as clear as t e long nose on t eir face% I $no*. / ey5re li$e t e actual $ids t at are utilised for t e (ur(ose too% * o assume I couldn5t (ossi&ly t*ig * at5s going on as t at isn5t in t e remit of t e situation as t ey5'e &een told and inter(ret it to &e and me, e'en * en I $ne* * at5s going on long &efore t ey *ere e'en recruited% or &orn% in some cases. / at5s t e a&surdity of it% t e tediousness of it. <ot to mention t e demented octogenarians and ot ers% (us ing t e in'alids around. / in$ing a&out it... =In'alid5. 3ld fol$s a'ing learned not ing. -ut age

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*as ne'er any measure of *isdom or e'en sanity. / ey must5'e &een as t ic$ as eig t (lan$s as $ids% or in t eir teens, (ro&a&ly t e academically studious 7 t e s*ots% good yes &oys and girls. /eac ers5 (ests. I5m not o'erly concerned *it documenting t e internal logistics of t is situation% t e idden organisational structure. It seems to &e a minefield% and I5'e enoug to &e going on *it , ot ers a'e done it in any case% or touc ed on it% suc as t e acti'ist #e&ora #u(re. "nd 0ar$ Ric % es(ecially. I5m really more concerned a&out $ee(ing my ead a&o'e *ater rig t no*% documenting t eir actual strategies in my o*n case and situation% of stal$ing% arassment. Just * en does it &ecome indistinguis a&le from fascismG Just * en is it indiscerni&le from a (olice stateG It5s (art of t e (rocess of getting t ere as *ell as an as(ect of it% and a (retty central one at t at. 3ne can ne'er tell * ic *ay t ings *ill go in t is situation% on an indi'idual le'el. I5m getting ungry again. Di((ee. I *as t in$ing again% earlier% t at food &ecame too muc of a solace% es(ecially c ocolate% &iscuits etc. <ot exactly a ;uantum of solace. I5'e sto((ed &uying t em% getting fruit instead% and stic$ing to it for once. I *is I could eat 0 &ut salads% nuts% &ananas, =li$e5 t e c aracter in / e -ridges of 0adison !ounty% a ( otogra( er% a (rofessional. / at% and a'e an affair. I li$ed t e *ay " let er air do*n t e ot er *ee$. Iit t at and er &ig titsLfull &osom% s e could (ass for a *oman. ! *asn5t interested in (utting toget er er construction $it ta&le. I didn5t t in$ e *ould. Ironic% as t ey &ot &elie'e I5m a &it of a fool% fulfilling Jung5s =dictum5% t at if someone doesn5t understand a (erson% t ey5ll assume t em to &e a fool. .ood one% !arl. "in5t it al*ays t e *ayG / ey could5'e got itc ed% made eac ot er5s li'es a misery. / e narcissists do t eir le'el &est to ac ie'e t at in mine. I s ould get u( earlier later today. Ru&y Iax *as on 6ust earlier. S e5s touring again *it er s o* on mental illness 7 er o*n and ot ers. "t t e end of t e (rogramme% on ! annel 4% s e does (art of er s o* in a (u&% t e local I t in$ of t e in'entorLdesigner in t e (rogramme, t ey *ere

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c ec$ing out is mini+'acuum+cleaner earlier. I5d lo'e one of t ose. I5m &etting t ey5re su(er+ex(ensi'e. "t t e end of er =act5% &efore introducing im 7 e5s in t e audience *it is *ife, &ot of t em are (retty agreea&le% li$a&le (eo(le 7 s e remar$s t at E(eo(le a'e sym(at y *it e'ery ot er (art of t e &ody% so * y not t e &rainGF /y(ically% or (redicta&ly% s e e;uates t e mind *it t e &rain, t e usual story. Ce goes on to com(ound t is% follo*ing t e (arty line% tal$ing a&out Ecatc ing de(ression%F li$e catc ing a cold or t e flu% as if it *ere a disease. In ot er *ords% somet ing from t e outside as in'aded t eir &rains and emotions% o'er * ic t ey ad no say or control. It isn5t e'en true to say (eo(le a'e more sym(at y for e'ery ot er (art of t e &ody% t oug I $ne* * at s e meant, s e *as tal$ing a&out t e stigma 7 guilt and (re6udice% attac ed to mental illness. S e features a cou(le of 05s tal$ing a&out it. Peo(le mig t a'e sym(at y for a((arent (ro&lems *it t eir (enis or ot ers% * en it comes to (remature e6aculation% say% or im(otence, &ut t ey5re less a((y a&out a functioning (enis% e6aculating * ere it s ouldn5t% say% if understanda&ly. I oo(s% t at came out *rong. / e same mista$e is made t roug locating t e source of t e (ro&lem in t e genitals, t at it needs to &e =fixed5% re(aired% *or$ed on some o* 7 castrated (er a(s% in t e case of incorrigi&le ra(ists% &elie'ing t e (ro&lem to rest in t e organ itself% testosterone etc. 7 t oug as !olin Iilson once remar$ed on% ;uoting a 6udge% t e sex+dri'e in many (eo(le% men in t is instance% seems to &e out of all (ro(ortion to its usefulness. "t &est% it5s located to an area in t e &rain% none of * ic as anyt ing to do *it t e mind% and attitude. It5s nice t at Ru&y Iax is *riting a serious dissertation on t e su&6ect at 3xford too% &ut *ould t ey &e so accommodating if anyone e'er c ose to disagree *it t eir most c eris ed (reconce(tionsG Just a t oug t. "gain% * at ne'er cease to ama?e me are all t ese (eo(le * o can (erform so unselfconsciously in front of an audience. "s I5'e said &efore some* ere% I *as so self+conscious% (ainfully% dreadfully so at times. -y t e time I reac ed my teens it *as a ma6or re'elation * en I tem(orarily lost it in a class run &y an

42>

intelligent% friendly teac er% 0r !loug 7 t oug e *asn5t one to ta$e any cra(% as #a'id Iatts found out% and (retty ra(idly * en e made some *iseacre remar$ to t e rest of t e class, !loug * a((ed im on t e side of t e ead. I *ell recall cringing in*ardly% antici(ating t is, I couldn5t &elie'e is &ad 6udgement. "ny*ay% I5d al*ays felt tra((ed *it in my (ersonality in a sense% my limitations% and t in$ing t at if I could e'er learn to feel comforta&le in large grou(s% any grou(s at all% it *ould &e li$e t e e;ui'alent of flying or &eing let out of a (rison. "not er *ay of (utting it% is I en'ied t e (eo(le t at could% feeling as if t ey ad somet ing% a command of t emsel'es and t eir emotions t at I ne'er *ould. "nd all manner of t*er(s seemed ca(a&le of it. "s I5'e intimated &efore% I5m &eginning to sus(ect it stems as muc from a certain ignorance and arrogance, t e &elief t at ot ers are &asically li$e oneself% a'e t e same 'ie*s or 'ery similar. / is may *ell &e true in t e (ositi'e sense% &ut it *as as true for Citler% o*e'er delusional. Ce assumed lots of (eo(le agreed *it im% and e *as rig t in t is. I can t in$ of all manner of emotionally stunted% *ar(ed t*er(s no* * o are comforta&le facing audiences. Politicians alone offer a (let ora of exam(les. !omedians are anot er lot * o often tal$ a lot of &alls% o*e'er funny t ey mig t &e. Hots of $ids are 'ery unselfconscious% naturalistic in t e face of a cro*d of t eir (eers and guardians etc. I *as as afflicted at (rimary sc ool as I *as at secondary% if less so, it cre(t on me gradually. -ut I *ell recall mar'elling at some $id during "ssem&ly * o read aloud a (oem or somet ing. I $ne* I couldn5t a'e done it, t at I5d rat er a'e died% or 6ust a&out. / is surely *asn5t a desira&le or normal state of affairs. / e same t ing a((ened in class a fe* years later% if 'ery s(ecific classes com(licated &y t e (resence of t e girls in class. "ll t is% *as of course ludicrously ironic% or (at etic I felt% * en my long+term dream *as to (ursue a career as a roc$ star. It seemed li$e a mountain too uge to e'er surmount. I could &arely tal$ to girls as it *as% anot er &ridge to cross% sooner rat er t an later. -ut I $ne* it *as a matter of degree and ex(osure% li$e e'eryt ing else. 3ne ad6usted% t a*ed out emotionally% loosened

42B

u(. -ut a'ing allo*ed myself to get caug t u( *it an emotional &lac$mailer% a mani(ulati'e% controlling narcissist * en I *as &arely out of my teens% I ne'er ;uite made t e &rea$% so al*ays felt t at lingering sense of self+consciousness% of feeling an anti(at y to*ards t e outside *orld% (referring to stay *it in my s ell *it (eo(le% o*e'er onestly and unselfconsciously I mig t ex(ress myself in *riting 7 under t e circumstances. I could &e o(en *it friends etc.% &ut t ey s ared many of t e same c aracteristics% eit er of me% or t e narcissists I allo*ed to a'e too muc say and s*ay in my life. I *as &ot outgoing and intros(ecti'e% (referring to s(end as muc time in my o*n ead% my mind% ot ers minds% *it &oo$s, &ut t e same *ent for music% films etc. I =li'ed for art.5 .ary Renard said an interesting t ing in a Dou /u&e 'ideo, Ce said t at fear of grou(s% audiences% stage frig t stems from unforgi'eness or is a form of unforgi'eness. I5'e ne'er seen muc forgi'eness *it certain (eo(le * o a'e little (ro&lem *it cro*ds% as I say% &ut I5m sure t at in essence% e5s correct. I *as *atc ing a film called / e Ioods 8200B9 t roug *riting t is. It *as &etter t an I ex(ected. "gain% t e cree(y 3t ers t eme% t e =re'elation5 t at t ey seem to &e controlled &y some male'olent outside force, similar to #istur&ing -e a'iour some years &efore 81NNM9. I5d li$ed to a'e (aid more attention to it% &ut ad already decided I5d *rite t roug it. In anot er uni'erse I did 6ust t at% and t e a&o'e section *as ne'er *ritten. / en again% I could5'e left it till later. -ut I *ouldn5t &e *riting t is. "nd no* I a'e )u&ric$5s Eyes Iide S ut on again% and *ill li$ely *rite t roug t at too. It5s ;uite engaging in its fran$ ex(loration of sexual t emes% o&session% and 6ealousy. I at *as t e /4 series &ased on t e Ste( en )ing no'el% a&out male'olent% reptilian aliensG / e /ommy$noc$ers. It *as t e ultimate nig tmare scenario% t oug t at *asn5t re'ealed until t e end. <ot so different from t is situation no*% for all *e $no*. 0ay&e S) tuned into somet ing% t e ?eitgeist% &ut more t an t at. I &oug t it c ea( years &ac$, it *as t ere in a &ox in a s o( for

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c ea(% 6ust around t e corner from * ere I stayed 8along *it a ard&ac$ co'erless edition of !I5s Encyclo(aedia of 0odern 0urder, I5d ad it in ((&$ years &efore9% a'ing 6ust recently decided I5d li$e a co(y. :uite uncanny. I t in$ I lost it. It could &e under t e ru&&le of &oo$s in t e &edroom. I fancied reading it, it5s more o'ertly S2% t oug it too$ a * ile to get t ere as I 'aguely recall. I at *as t e one * ere some (eo(le on a 6etliner get caug t in some $ind of time anomalyG I5'e seen it t*ice, t e ending *as a&surd. It didn5t *or$ at all for me, it *as li$e a cartoon ending. -efore t at% it *as ;uite engrossing% *atc ing to see * at direction it *ould go in, t e c aracterisation *as interesting% t e interaction &et*een t em all. /om !ruise as 6ust got &adly &um(ed% insulted% &y t e 6oc$s, an un(leasant little e(isode. I dou&t e5ll &e unting t en do*n one &y one. I read anot er fifty (ages of !ell. I don5t *ant to $ee( starting and sto((ing &oo$s. It *as ne'er li$e t is &efore ca&le 7 and t e net. Ce5s 'ery good at introducing little% &ut significant c anges% as you5d ex(ect. I5d &een t in$ing it5s all a &it samey. I5m &eginning to see * y it5s almost fi'e undred (ages long, it5s ea'y on t e action% e'ents. / e c aracters+ e re'eals t eir t oug t+(rocesses% t eir c aracters as t e action * i??es along. It5s a film in &oo$ form. -ut e can say a lot in undreds of (ages% lots of little inter6ections% o&ser'ations% not to mention (eo(le% e'ents a'e to &e descri&ed. I5'e ne'er read muc )ing% t at5s t e t ing. I 6ust ne'er made time for im. I *as reading !olin Iilson, e ne'er rated im% saying e doesn5t s are is outloo$ on life. I &arely made time for time sometimes. <o% I *asted too muc % stuc$ in neit er ere nor t ere% lim&o. If it too$ until my mid+forties to &egin to get it toget er% t en so &e it. I t in$ !I is (ro&a&ly rig t% &ut * at struc$ me again a&out reading S) is * at a =(o(ulist5 e is. Cis c aracters aren5t exactly &o?os &ut t ey5re certainly E'eryman. 3ften *it exce(tional ;ualities of course. I did read alf of / e #ead Aone% years &ac$. / e film ga'e me goose (im(les. / e /4 series *as (retty good too. / at5s my not so considered res(onse. E'ery (rotagonist in !I5s no'els is a 'ersion of !I. =Similar5 to !lint E (laying a 'ersion of imself in e'ery film. I

42M

recall reading Jo n 4iegal on !I% is &iogra( y% and saying t at e'en t e Iestern could &e used as a (latform% a medium for t e ex(loration of t e existential ero5s concerns, I *as (icturing !IL.erard Sorme in a co*&oy at and six+guns... -ut certainly t ere5s little in S) to offend any&ody in t e *ay t at !I seems to% o*e'er inad'ertently. Peo(le aren5t o'erly interested in ideas% t e ex(ansion of or ex(ositions of consciousness% =(ro&lems of ( iloso( y5 as is main c aracterLs are. 3ne could say e5s more =s(ecialised5% =elitist5% and an ac;uired taste. 3r one sim(ly as to &e (reoccu(ied *it t e same *riters% t in$ers% and ideas. I t in$ t is *as and is true for me, I *as oo$ed from / e 3utsider on*ards% t oug e did later descri&e it as an airless &oo$. S)5s c aracters seem to &e t ere mainly to illustrate a t eme% a story. !I5s are to ex(and on t e (o*er of t e mind as *ell as tell a story. Ce al*ays em( asised o* im(ortant t at is, t at *it a story% t e *riter can include all manner of s(eculation% (syc ological o&ser'ation etc. Iit out it% eLs e as no rig t to ex(ect t e reader to &e as fascinated &y is (reoccu(ations as e is. I5m arrogant or may&e 6ust des(erate enoug to assume t is situation is so &i?arre% it *or$s or stands as a =story5 in its o*n rig t% so to say. / e future% on t e face of it% is o(en. I mig t not ma$e it% &ut I5'e made it t is far, &ut *ill I sur'i'e% * en t e * ole t ing is geared so t at I don5t% in t e long runG / e =long run5 is (art of t e =slo* $ill5 (rocess% as is time% utilised for t at (ur(ose+ in t e egos ands. 3ne could say I t in$ too muc % and some a'e% as often as not narcissists% so I too$ t eir o&ser'ation *it a (inc of salt. It reminded me of t e !ourse LJesus on =t e fear to loo$ *it in5. If it *asn5t for t in$ing% t ey% and t is situation5d a'e &am&oo?led me too% t oug t in$ing as to &e guided% ot er*ise you 6ust end u( c asing your o*n tail as t is system is designed to a'e you do% not least t emsel'es. It5s designed to &e o(eless, t at t ere is literally no *ay out &ut suicide+ or murder% * ic % in itself is a form of suicide. I ic e'er o(tion one c ooses% one5s life is effecti'ely =o'er5. In t e meantime% =life5 is to &e ex(erienced as a $ind of li'ing deat % of endless &adgering% t e (ro&a&ility of furt er set+u(s%

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un(leasantness% and e'entual catastro( e. Ie can settle on disaster. "s t e !ourse says% no one * o li'es in fear is really ali'e. -ut t ey5re t e fearful ones. / at5s * at t ey ne'er understand% ne'er ac$no*ledge or admit. / e <a?is *ere t e fearful ones, t e Stalins and t e Citlers% and t eir tin(ot minion little Citlers. I en t ey5re gone% my *riting *ill still &e ere% or some of it% to amuse and entertain% e'en u(lift in (art. / is situation *ill only re(eat itself in one form after t e ot er as it as al*ays done% until it5s o'er. / is is =* ere it5s at5% * at it5s all a&out. / is situation as to &e =sol'ed5 for e'eryone or it5s sol'ed for no one at all. I *as &ro*sing t e intro% re'ie*s for S)5s magnum o(us / e #ome earlier t is afternoon on t e loo after I finally got u(, t oug I5m less t an my eig t ours. I5d forgotten o* intriguing it sounds, t e reason I &oug t it, t at% and t at Ro&ert ! arles Iilson said it olds u(% in an inter'ie* some time ago. / e dome of t e no'el is an in'isi&le force field in * ic no one can get in or out. =" ne* and sinister social order de'elo(s5. !orru(tion see(s t roug t e to*n. Is t is some sort of &arely disguised meta( or on S)5s (art for current de'elo(ments% or a com&ination of ins(iration% t e no'elists5 social insig t into (eo(le% *orld e'entsG I *is I ad it% H3HQ It &rings J . -allard5s no'el / e )ingdom to mind% t oug t at as no o'ertly S2 tro(es. /y(ically% I didn5t finis it% e'en t oug I *as engrossed in it. -y t e time I get around to / e #ome% t e film 'ersion *ill a'e come and gone. I *as t in$ing I5ll read it during t e 2esti'al rat er t an fart around% *asting time at free comedy s o*s etc.% forcing laug s for t e most (art. I5m not going t roug t e same cra( I did last year. /al$ a&out &ad 'i&es. "nd I s ould $no*. /odd -arry *as good t oug % if not free. 3f course% no* I realise I5ll a'e to read / e #ome first% if I5m to $no* * at trans(ires% say somet ing a&out it. It mig t e'en (ro'e educational% enlig tening, for me I mean. " minor re'elation% * o $no*sG I ate'er gets me t roug t e nig t. I s ould go t roug most of t is first t oug % add to it * at I ad in mind. I s ouldn5t e'en &e *riting% &ut *or$ing on art% (rints etc.% o'er t e next t*o *ee$s. / e &oring stuff. It as its moments% &ut

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* en I5m trimming t e old mounts on (aintings% re&agging t em% I $ee( t in$ing of t e furt er (aintings I could &e doing% e'en * en I5'e &arely (ainted o'er t e (ast four years. It isn5t so &ad sitting t roug t ere% *or$ing. I s ould a'e set it u( for t at long &efore. "s al*ays% it5s all in my mind. / e =emotional &ody5% as !I said. / e emotions trying it on. / at5s * y t is gs -S situation is so effecti'e, emotions can seem to a'e a life of t eir o*n% li$e (ain% or t e sexual im(ulse. "s someone said% your *is for somet ing 7 6ust call it am&ition 7 as to &e greater t an your fear if you *ant to ac ie'e it. I ne'er did get t e &alance ;uite rig t. <o* t e *orld *ould seem to contri'e to ma$e a moc$ery of it all.

Tuesday$ I ear t e engine of a (lane% or elico(ter. It5s &een ;uite common a&o'e ere% going &ac$ and fort o'er t e *ee$s% mont s. I5'e more t an sensed it5s intentional% some of t e time any*ay. It5s coincided *it t e =door scam5% along *it t e ot er -S. I remem&er t at day% it *as a Sunday% and so it *as relati'ely ;uiet. I o(ened my door% didn5t go out% some seconds later% t ere it *as. I eard t e engine first. I felt glad t at I5d antici(ated it% coincidence or no, ad felt it *ould &e t ere. 0ay&e in a fe* mont s it *ill &e trying to mac ine+gun me do*n li$e !ary .rant

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in <ort &y <ort *est. /argets a'e mentioned air sur'eillance% arassment. In t e =ne*5 age of increasing drone *arfare% and t e fact t at / ey already use t em for t e (ur(ose... I *as reading recently t at some ic$ s eriff *anted to arm t em, e *ould% *ouldn5t eG 0ay&e soon t ey5ll &e arming motorcycles% &i$es. Dea I $no*% t ey already do. I ad more sausages% some toast, t e &read is too t ic$ for good toast really. I *as 6ust t in$ing o* muc I lo'e toast * ile I *as toasting it. Cere5s to toast. <ot actual lo'e% &ut an intense li$e all t e same. 2ooled &y t e dream of a life again. I dream of toast. I ad more fun *it t e front door. I o said (eo(le aren5t t e greatest funG Des% t is is an allusion% a (lay on a lyric &y "rt ur HeeLHo'e. Some* at cynical of me% &ut it5s a gradual (rocess, of illusion. <ot disillusion. "s long as I can $ee( t at in mind% I5ll $ee( it in (ers(ecti'e. It can &e more difficult * en I catc some t*on$ coming u( to me from &e ind% * et er on a &i$e or is legs. I *as t in$ing t at if anyone insists on coming at me from &e ind% it5s t eir ris$, fair dos * en I antici(ate it. I5d ardly *ant to get into t e state of mind% a state of affairs * ere I ta$e someone running at me from &e ind for granted. / at5s t e idea &e ind it of course, to $ee( t e anxiety going% t e sense of t reat. Iear t e target out t roug t eir o*n adrenaline% re(rogram t eir internal% ( ysiological =fig t or flig t5 res(onse * ile you don5t e'en $no* * at t ey5re u( to... $ee( t em at t at lo*+le'el fear fre;uency so t ey5re cut off from t eir ig er emotions% influences% intuition% loc$ed on t e matrix+ on e'ery le'el. / at5s t e conceit% &elie'ing it *or$s on so many le'els% com(ounding t e arrogance% t e fun in denial. / ey don5t li$e cameras t oug % e'en t e ones * o don5t say anyt ing. / e older 6ogger coming u( &e ind me on !andlema$er Ro*, e *as t ere again * en I came out of t e li&rary *it one of t e /oms, I recognised is old s$inny legs. / ey do so lo'e to $ee( =e;ualising5 t ings, t is (er(etual t*it for t*at. / ey also fit t e (attern I5'e long o&ser'ed o'er t e years% t is narcissisticLmediocre mindset of &eing continually furious, not 6ust angry% &ut furious, full of (etty resentments% atreds. It5s o&'ious t is line of =*or$5 attracts a certain $ind of (erson I5m

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sure it al*ays as, t e c ronic (assi'e+aggressors% t e terminally snea$y% caddis % co*ardly% t e &lissfully self+rig teous. In s ort% t e fundamentalist materialists% t e =( ysicalists5% t e =*orlders5. I5d say t is is t e end (roduct of suc a t oug t+system &ut *e $no* t e end (roduct is murder. I *as t in$ing of t is yesterday% on t e *ay &ac$ from to*n% and /esco5s 7 t e usual intercom announcements directly * ere I a((ened to &e, one e'en announcing a message for someone *it t e same surname% t e sim(listic+minded t*ats 7 after I5d (o((ed into t e c i(s o( to scrounge a (int of mil$ till today 7 I *as s ort of c ange and t ey don5t ta$e (lastic 7 and 6ust as I ste((ed out of t eir entrance% t ere *ere t e dogs as usual% only% four t is time% as I found * en I crossed t e street, as is my *ay sometimes. /*o (airs attac ed to a yo& eac % a young cou(le% o&'iously =sc emies5% out of t eir *ay for t is s(ecific (ur(ose% as if I5ll ne'er cotton on. -ut I su((ose t at doesn5t matter in a *ay, t e =im(ortant5 t ing is t at it $ee(s me in a ig state of anxiety% tre(idation% t e a*areness of (otential &ut constant t reat. "s if I5ll ne'er figure t is out. / is is t e le'el it5s often on. I y *ould anyone in t eir rig t mind *ant to &e a (art of suc a nasty% neddis % socio(at t ingG <o amount of nice 6ac$ets% suits% nice+ airdos% and neat red and &lac$ satanic cyclist and &i$er outfits *ill disguise t is. / ey5re t e 3asis of t e multi+stal$ing *orld. -ut t ey all are. / e cou(le *it t e dogs too$ t eir time% farted around% to ma$e sure t ey got (arallel *it me% &ut I crossed t e road to*ards t em in any case% until I *as &et*een t em% s e &e ind% still farting% t en s e caug t u( *it er e;ually doomed (artner so t at t ey *ere &ot in front of me, t is after I let out a slo* on$ fart from my orn% (artly concealed in my (oc$et, I *as *earing my larger coat for t e rain. I $e(t t is u( all t e *ay% ( otogra( ing t em from &e ind as t eyL*e came to #unedin St. I5d assumed t ey *ere t ere for t e social clu&% Do& !entral% furt er along% &ut t ey $e(t going. / e idea is to &e in my line of sig t t e * ole time% as (er instructions% or t erea&outs. !oming to my (lace% I sa* my (lum( and (leasant neig &our from do*nstairs a ead as s e *al$ed to t e close. "s I got to t e entrance% t e neds in front still% t e &int sto((ed% fussed o'er one

433

of t eir dogs% * olly artificially, an extra little touc of gaslig ting% anchorin % no dou&t 'ery (leased *it t emsel'es. Just as I *as to turn into t e entrance% a comment came to mind: / ey li$ed t eir dogs in t e concentration cam(s too. ES3RRDGF I aaaa""""""////OOOF / e yo&&y &lo$e% a'ing turned round as I got into t e close% * i((ed t e $ey in t e loc$% ni((ed inside to close t e door and ECo* are you doinGF to my neig &our in (assing% a&out to go into er flat. I *asn5t sure if s e eard it. I *asn5t *aiting to find out. I5d (ro&a&ly &e (retty confident if I ad four dogs *it me too. "gain% 6ust a single incident. I o5s got t e time% to descri&e e'ery =nuanceG5 It5s (ossi&le <eddy -oy adn5t eard * at I said% * ic seems to &e 6ust as infuriating to t em. / ey re(ort it all &ac$% so it must &e frustrating to &e caug t off guard. I didn5t really t in$ t ey5d (ursue me eit er% &ut you ne'er $no*, * o can al*ays accurately (redict t e extent of insane self+ rig teousness and o* it *ill reactG I *as t in$ing I mig t (ut t at ;ui( on a (oster+si?e s eet of (a(er% (ut it on t e $itc en *indo*. I *rote a &unc of t em t e ot er nig tLmorning * ile I *as trying to slee(% a'ing to $ee( reac ing for t e (ad and *riting t em do*n% I *as so =&u??ed5% &ut not including t at one. It came to me due to 0ar$ Ric 5s remar$s from a * ile &ac$% a&out dogs to &e used for t e (ur(oses of attac$% and lea(ing u( on (eo(le. It5s all t e same mindset t at &roug t a&out t e deat cam(s in any case, it5s all murder. "nd my *ay of s o'ing an un(leasant trut &ac$ in t eir face, it *as t eir c oice to &e in mine. I also ad an article on Irma .rese% t e notorious young &londe &int of -elsen% * o lo'ed to set er &elo'ed dogs on inmates% g oulis ly de'ouring e'ery moment I5m sure% as t ey tore t em to s reds. S e *as only 22. I5d read of er * en I *as 1N in / e Scourge of / e S*asti$a% (ro&a&ly% along *it Jose( 4ac er% =t e &east of -elsen5. <ot 4ac er+ )ramer. 4ac er *as an early 2renc serial $iller. Somet ing I read recently on t e net *as more esoterically inclined% t e section (art of a far longer (iece. It *as a&out er ultimate fate% in soul terms or suc li$e. I don5t $no* * o *rote it% &ut t ey said t at some indi'iduals are so far gone into t e

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de(t s of materiality and =e'il5% learning 0 from eac incarnation% t at t e only solution is for t em to &e dissol'ed into t e s(iritual et er of sorts. I dou&t t e !ourse ta$es suc a 'ie*. "ny*ay% let5s 6ust say I $no* t e *ay t e *ind is &lo*ing% * at t is all signifies% as do many targets &y no* I t in$. It gi'es an insig t into t e mindset &e ind it% e'en on a local le'el+ or es(ecially on a local le'el. EI o are t ese =gangstal$ers5GF t e Indian (syc iatrist as$ed me. FI5d rat er 6ust lea'e it.F E<o% I5m curious a&out t is. I5d li$e to ear more a&out it.F I5ll &et you *ould, let me dig my o*n ole in your myo(ic little uni'erse. !onsidering it (ermeates e'ery as(ect of t e system t ey5re in'ol'ed in too% I su((ose I s ouldn5t &e so sur(rised t ey (lay t is game. 0ost did t e same in <a?i .ermany. / ey agreed *it * oe'er *as in (o*er% (eriod. "s *it Russia% as *it all o'er. It5s funny t ey5re all still (laying t at game * en credi&le% res(ected *riters% acti'ists suc as #e&ora #u(re% and former 2-I agents a'e &lo*n t e * istle on it% &ut t at5s selecti'e inter(retation for you. It5s (ossi&le e *as sincere a&out *anting to $no* more a&out it. I5m reminded of my dealings *it 0% t e Cungarian artist, of o* s e used to lo'e to try to get me to re(eat er -S &ac$ to er, it *as o&'ious it stemmed from a sadistic im(ulse. <ot only did s e en6oy% as a ty(ical =nice (erson5% im(acting er target% &ut also s e *anted t e (atsy to ex(lain &ac$ to er o* s e did it, to 'erify it. I5d actually get suc$ed into t is% &ut of course% * en you5re dealing *it narcissists% (syc o(at s% it only fans t e flames of internal 'iolence, t eirs. I t in$ t is (ossi&ly *ell+meaning% ine'ita&ly (atronising doctor may a'e &een genuinely curious as to * at t ese strategies and arassmentLstal$ingL(syo(s tactics of t e multi+stal$ers *ereLare in t is instance% * ile $ee(ing to t e fantasy t at t is is no more t an some $ind of delusion% somet ing% t at in my (ossi&ly stressed% un&alanced% uninformed state% I5'e also (ic$ed u( from t e internet orLand ot er e;ually delusional indi'iduals. Prodding me as if I *ere some sort of guinea (ig. 0ay&e e *as loo$ing *rite an =interesting5 (a(er on it. -ut I *ould say t at. It5s as li$ely t ey5re (rimed not to ac$no*ledge it in any *ay% s a(e% or form.

43>

Cey, Simon Iard died during t e (ast *ee$. I didn5t $no*. Ce *as an intriguing actor. / ere5s also t e (ossi&ility e *as en6oying imself% or o(ed to. I *ouldn5t ela&orate% exce(t to (oint out t e o&'ious. / at it5s all o'er t e Internet% is re(orted in t e ne*s(a(ers in 'arious forms. EI ereG I5'e ne'er seen anyt ing a&out it%F e said% =reasona&ly5. -efore you $no* it% you5re arguing for t e reality of * at is% in reality% illusions, t at5s t e tric$% t e tra(. -y * ic I don5t mean it isn5t a((ening% &ut t at it5s not o&6ecti'ely real, not ing of t is *orld is% including t e *orld itself. -ut to deny it% as t ey do% doesn5t el(. / at5s 6ust a dee(er form of denial% of no el( to anyone. It only dri'es t e (ro&lem% of co'ert aggression% and t e dissociation on * ic it5s &ased% dee(er. / ey may feel it5s deser'ed% t at t ere5s some reason for it% * et er t ey agree *it it or not% &ut collusion is condoning it. Cidden *arfare 7 =t e *is to *ar in secret5% to ;uote "!I0 7 isn5t good for anyone. Peo(le *ill al*ays set t emsel'es u( to &e t e 6udge of t eir o*n (ro6ections, 6udge% 6ury% and executioners. It5s al*ays &een t e *ay. / ey see in ot ers exactly * at t ey c ose not to &elie'e a&out t emsel'es. It (er(etuates a merciless *orld * ere t ey &e a'e as if t ey5re (erfect% * ere no one is allo*ed to ma$e mista$es% &elie'ing e'eryt ing to &e irredeema&le sins. / is is as merciless to t emsel'es. 0y mot er *as li$e t is% &ut I5'e seen t e same mindset all o'er. 0ore to t e (oint% it5s self+ dece(tion% co'ering u( for larger crimes, of course it is, t ey side *it * ome'er as t e (o*er, mig t ma$es rig t% inter(reting as t ey see fit% as t ey5re told to. / eir andlers and narcissistic% (syc o(at ic &osses% t in$ exactly t e same *ay% all t e *ay u( t e ierarc y. / e closer to t e to( of t e (yramid you get 7 not t at I5'e &een any* ere near it% &ut it5s all mind too 7 t e more im(enetra&le% intracta&ly (syc o(at ic it is% t e more einous t eir &e a'iour. Hittle of * at #a'id Ic$e *rites sur(rises me no*. In an u(side+do*n *orld% it5s 6ust * at you5d ex(ect. / e mind+controllersLfuc$ers are t e last (eo(le you5d ex(ect t em to &e, t oug many (eo(le a'e little trou&le &elie'ing t ey5re t e source of t e NL11 outrages no*. I5m guessing most of t ose *ouldn5t contem(late ta$ing (art in co'ert arassment% stal$ing.

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/ e ones * o do *ould &e t e first to scoff at any notion NL11 *as an =inside 6o&5% and at =cons(iracy t eories and =t eorists5 = in general. In s ort% t ey5re t e stal$ers% t e terrorists% mimic$ing t eir go'ernment. It5s all circular. / ey 6ust don5t get it. / ey ne'er do. / at5s t e (ur(ose of denial and (ro6ection% re(ressionLresistance 7 t e refusal of insig t% or alternati'e *ays of loo$ing at (ro&lems. "gain% t ere5s t e (aradox of t e so called mental ealt system ignoring t e =cries for el(5 if you li$e% from 'arious indi'iduals * o *ent on to $ill t emsel'es% at t e same time as t ey seemed so $een to get me to tal$ a&out my =delusions5 7 not t at anyone 'oiced t at% &ut t e inference *as clear enoug . I too$ t e 'ie* t is *asn5t moti'ated &y *anting to el( at all% so muc as (otentially commit me% for all I $ne*% * ic *ould in effect stigmatise me% ser'ing t e role of censoring meLs utting me u(% or loo$ing to discredit anyt ing I mig t say% t roug t at. I didn5t feel any =genuine5 em(at y in any true sense% &ut t at it *as 6ust anot er (art of t e game% of strategy, t at it could go in any direction 7 or eit er *ay. / ere *as also t e (ro&lem of t e reason I *as t ere% for (ointing my camera at (eo(le% t e set+u(. If I argued my case for t e =gs5 -S% it *as as clear t at could or *ould &e used against me 7 not t at anyone said t at eit er, it *as &latantly o&'ious t e detecs *ere (us ing it t at *ay during t e inter'ie*% gi'ing t eir game a*ay as far as I *as concerned% if for ostensi&ly con'incing reasons. / is (artly ex(lains * y t ey did t e o((osite of * at one mig t a'e ex(ected 7 or ! mig t a'e ex(ected, t at t ey5d (refer to a'oid t e su&6ect. -ut as t e main &lo$e (ointed out 7 t e one *it t e &ee in is &onnet in general% if dece(ti'ely amica&le at times ot er*ise 7 I5m Enot a (rofessional.F 1nli$e t em. / ey ad it all figured out. / ey already ad t eir resident (syc iatrist in to* to diagnose me for my delusions% and already ad it in mind t ey *ere c arging me. 1nfortunately% I didn5t (lay t e game% reneging on * at I5d su((osedly said earlier% after telling t em * at t ey already $ne*% or e'en *anted to ear% a&out all t e 'e icles timed to &e t ere at t e corners% of #unedin St% 6ust u( t e road% * ere I said I5d (oint my camera% and in general% as soon as I come out t e

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flat% and *as re(orted as a'ing done. Silly me. I didn5t ma$e t at connection at t e time. 3r didn5t care. / eir =&oss5 didn5t li$e t at. 3r t at5s * at t ey said in so many *ords, t at t ey ad to do * at e said% * ic *as arrest me% t is after t ey *ent a*ay and came &ac$, may&e (er a(s% it *as t eir o*n c oice. I at t ey ad% *as *itnesses% accusers. I ad ?ilc exce(t my o*n ?ero o(inion% t e o(inion of a no&ody, and not only t at% &ut a (ossi&le if not (ro&a&le 0ental !ase. / at undreds of t ousands of targets are re(orting t e same t ing all o'er t e *orld is neit er ere nor t ere, eac case is treated on its indi'idual demerits% *it no reference to any extraneous factors% exce(t insofar as it mig t reinforce t eir (re6udices% &ias% and 0.3.% itself% as often as not% (art of t e same mindset of uns(o$en collusion. It 6ust seems ty(ical of t eir u&ris t at t ey &e a'e as if t e *ider *orld didn5t exist. -ut t en% t is is a((ening all o'er t e *orld% t e *orld t ey &elie'e to &e their *orld. I $no* o* t ey tal$: Their *atc 5% their to*n etc. / e im(erialist mindset t at as ne'er left. It5s (ro'incial and myo(ic all t e same% for t at reason. / ey5re not t e * ole *orld at all, t ey5re t e (eo(le% t e im(ostors% t e gangsters * o *ant to control it. -ut I do $inda &ring it on myself sometimes. I5m getting ungry. It all fits t e (attern% t oug % of * at (eo(le a'e said, t at t e (syc iatrists5 are in on it too. ="ll t e orror is in t at t ere is no orror.5 / is is t e same strategy t at com(anies a'e &een using to s ut (eo(le u(% t e =com(lainers5% t e em(loyees t at are eit er treated li$e cra( or are (ic$ing u( on somet ing not ;uite $os er in t e goldmine. / ese (rograms *ere designed for com(anies to s(ot (otential trou&le% danger in t e *or$(lace% es(ecially after incidents of *or$(lace 'iolence% massacres. <o* com(anies use it to ;uas dissent as t ey inter(ret it% ide corru(tion% stigmatise t em as mentally un&alanced% cra?y. Co* small+minded% myo(ic% mediocre. Some (eo(le descri&e it as one of t e most e'il as(ects of t is 8t oug t9 system. I don5t &elie'e in t e o&6ecti'e reality of e'il, e'il is 6ust an a&sence of lig t% as !I said some* ere. -ut I can see * ere

43M

t ey5re coming from. I found it ironic% sinister if you li$e% * en t e al( a co( of sorts% descri&ed my &e a'iour as =sinister5% com(ounding t e gaslig ting set+u(. It is sinister * en t e (ossi&ility is one could find oneself su&6ect to mandatory 7 forced =medicalision5, medication. Just more mind+control. I5ll &e glad * en I get &ac$ to some (ainting. I ere does suc an innate talent% any a&ility come from% exactlyG !ertainly not from *ar(ed social (syc iatrists and t eir il$. I at t e ell do clueless cretins and t eir dogs of fear and *ar a'e to do *it meG -ut t ey seem to &elie'e t ey do% as do t e facile% furious rest of t em, t at my &usiness is t eir &usiness. / ose co(s% =tecs% clearly &elie'ed I5d ste((ed out of line. / at I *as deser'ing of &eing c arged% (rosecuted% a'ing a criminal record o'er t is. "s e said% if I &elie'ed t ere *as somet ing going on 8 aO9% t en I could a'e re(orted it 7 i.e.% *ent t roug t e =(ro(er5 c annels. I5d re(lied I5d get no* ere *it t at% my (olite *ay of saying it *as 6ust so muc -S% li$e t e rest. / is is t e &lo$eLs t at a((eared on t e scene again s ortly after I o(ened t e front door% so to say% and t en *ent to t e &at room *indo* to see * o turned u(. / ey (ractice t e same t ing, t ey5re t e true &elie'ers in t is gaslig ting cult% of =artificial sync ronisation5% <HP% =anc oring5% sensitisation. Just more of / em% t e umatons% t e =*orlders5. / ey5re not rational% =enlig tened5 (eo(le% 6ust more tools for t e matrix. "nd any*ay% immediate de'elo(ments made it ;uite clear as to o* seriously any com(laints a&out mass stal$ing% arassment *ould &e ta$en. <ot only do t ey $no* it5s going on% t ey5re (art of t e coordination of it% t e utilisation of it% including trying to get me committed as delusional if t ey could, t e ideal scenario. / at5s * ere =com(laining5 *ould a'e got me% if t ey5d ad t eir *ay% so yes% t e co(s% some% are in on it% as are t eir resident (seudo+(syc iatrists. / eir *itc doctor *ould5'e ad me committed in a second. / e Indian &lo$e *as =&ona+fide5+ or as &ona+fide as any stateLuni'ersity educated (u((et can &e. I e'en found myself *arming to im% es(ecially * en I remar$ed 8(resumed9 on is (resum(tion t at t e &rain is t e seat of consciousness% t e locus of t e mind% &ut I tend to li$e most (eo(le. Ce too$ it in ;uite

43N

good umour% disagreeing% &ut getting me to ac$no*ledge% Et at it 8t e &rain9 is im(ortant.F 2unny% in terms of intentionally umorous understatement. Ce ad me s(ell a *ord &ac$*ards 7 E6ust to ma$e sure you5reQF 7 * ic *as a &it of a (ain as I *as ;uite tired% and feel self+conscious *it strangers still% es(ecially under suc circumstances. / at and my irritation 7 unforgi'eness 7 tend to interfere *it my t oug t+(rocess. "n insig t t at t ro*s some lig t n t e internal conflicts I5d ex(erience at sc ool% or *it idiots or &ot . It seemed 6ust anot er exercise in (seudo+official% academic -S as an excuse for minor umiliation% to (ut me my (lace% &ut I $e(t my good+ umour% t e relati'ely lig t+ earted mood. I5d already felt a sense of esta&lis ing my rationality o'er t e &rainLmind ;uestion% more t an im(lying t at a'ing suc a 'ie*% o*e'er =outlandis 5 on t e face of it% doesn5t necessarily mean I5m cra?y eit er. Ce is. / ey are. 3 yes. =If you5re not =(aranoid5% you5re not (aying enoug attention5. =Just &ecause you5re =(aranoid5 doesn5t mean t ey5re not out to get you5. 3 % you $no* t ose onesG Just &ecause t ey5re out to get you doesn5t mean you5re not cra?y. =/Is5 s ould &e getting toget er% coordinating t emsel'es t e same *ay t e =gs5 do. / e (ro&lem is t e system as all t e cards% t e tec nology of course, it5s * at t ey do% li$e c ronic autistic $ids in t eir element. " *orld of ro&ots o(erating and controlling t e mac ines% as *ell as &eing controlled &y t em. "lso% many targeted indi'iduals are not acti'ists as suc , t ey5re artists% (oets% *riters% actors and *ould+&e actors. / ey *antLed to carry on *it t eir artistic% creati'e enter(rises% not s(end all t eir emotional energy% t eir t oug ts% on a'ing to deal *it a relentless onslaug t of tri'iality from terminally tri'ialLcle'er socio(at s * o &elie'e t ey5re doing =t e Hord5s *or$5% e'en if t eir unconscious moti'ation is t e &elief t ey5re (olicingLcleaning u( t e *orld for =Satan5 7 t e ego 7 ridding it of t e scum of t e uni'erse% t e (resum(tuous% insuffera&le clods. Des% I5m tal$ing a&out me% too% t oug not t e actor (art. 3r clod (art. It must &e nice to a'e suc an im(ortant% essential (ur(ose in life% $no*ing #addy (rotects you% t at e can &e trusted% and *ill for t e rest of one5s days. I ate'er seems to succeed in

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$ee(ing .od at a distance% along *it t e lo'e of ! rist% our real Self. I5m t in$ing t e olier and (rolier+t an+t ou aren5t too &ig on Jesus, t e real Jesus% not t e distorted% &astardised 'ersion of t eir e;ually *ar(ed good c urc &ret ren% * en t ey5re not t e at eist 'ersion of t e same t ing. .idco 7 .ideon !oe 7 is (laying #ead !an #ance on --! B 0usic. Su&lime. Cey% a ne* #!# HPLel(ee is coming out in a *ee$5s timeO " fe* *ee$sG <o* *e5re coo$ingO Iit gas. Het5s o(e an am&ulance doesn5t it me &efore I get t e c ance to ear it. I ad a &rea$ for "merican #ad% t e s(oof on James -ond e(isode% and some 2amily .uy &efore t at% * ere Peter is sexually arassed. It *as ;uite a s*eet little story% not * at I ex(ected% * ate'er I ex(ected, all t e more odd * en I5'e seen it &efore. 0e and my goldfis memory. / oug t: If goldfis a'e suc a s ort memory% o* come t ey don5t $ee( &um(ing into t e side of t e &o*elG / at (art must &e ard+*ired% as t ey say. Interesting. I *as loo$ing at t e co'er of R!I5s no'el% 0emory Iire from side on% yards a*ay from me on t e &ric$ fire(lace s elf t ing I a'e &oo$s on. Rig t no* I5m listening to 0i$e #a'ies% on Radio 1: Pun$ S o* *it ... Ce5s (laying some 8s it+9 ot stuff. Ce (lays cra( as *ell% li$e s$a (un$. I used to listen to im years ago% sto((ed, I got tired of it% found im too &oring at times. 3r crass% slagging off -illy !organ. / e Smas ing Pum($ins are a lot &etter t an t e cra( e *as (laying sometimes. I ardly lo'ed e'eryt ing Jo n Peel (layed eit er% &ut e *as al*ays *onderfully *itty and engaging. I still a'e lots of re'ie*s% ot er *ritings of is to read. Hife is good% actually, t e mere t oug t of Peel. Ce *as a lig t to t e *orld in is o*n *ay. 2acim5s latest ne*sletterLarticle arri'ed yesterday% t oug I5d read it already% getting an ac;uaintance to (rint it out. It *as so &rilliant% all+encom(assing in a sense% I can5t imagine o* Ia(nic$ could e'er to( it. I5ll read it again.

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Des% I *on5t so muc dig my *ay out of t is im(asse% as *rite my *ay out. I al*ays ad to come u( *it a solution to my (redicament in any case% t e no career% no income situation% or not muc to s(ea$ of. Sit around *riting% (ainting% you5re a =&um5. Dou5re *orse t an a =no&ody5. .et (u&lis ed% sell% you5re a =some&ody5. "s Ioody "llen once said% no one cares, no one is interested in your situation until you &ecome a success. I almost en'y t e life of a successful stand+u( no*% getting around% (lane o((ing% li'ing li$e a modern day nomad. !I *as al*ays t e model t oug % staying in t e same (lace for t e most (art% getting t ings done, t at *as t e idea. It5s all mind. / ere is no* ere to go% as Joe Jesse( once said% in !ourse /al$ on Da oo. 0y life as &een a case of e'er+decreasing circles. I ile my mind ex(ands. / at5s t e ideal% &ut t e e'er+decreasing as(ect as gotten out of and. I5m t e incredi&le t in$ing man% li'ing in my ead. Ie all li'e in out eads% as !I said% &ut somet ing5s gotta gi'e. I5m determined it *on5t &e me% e'en t e dream of me. I5ll Ru(ert Pu($in my *ay out of t is if necessary. I ate'er t at means. Idiot fuc$ing taxi+dri'ers% &usiness &o?os loo$ing to $ill me using economic anxieties and t eir o*n fear of differences and resentment o'er t eir o*n directionless li'es and ennui as a (retext. It5s t e y(ocrisy of it all t at I let dri'e me u( t e *all sometimes. I o are t ese (eo(leG

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It5s understanda&le I5m loo$ing to c ange t is situation. I at if t e ans*er lay in acce(ting it% loo$ing at it differentlyG I am. / at5s * at t is is a&out% as *ell as a (otential means of esca(e of sorts. It *ill ne'er &e o'er until t is system% t is mindset% as gone. I could try t e strategy of ignoring it% carrying on as if none of t is is a((ening% try and (icture myself as I imagine t ings to &e *it out it, t e story of my life. / ere *as al*ays a s ado*% * et er internal emotions or t e outside (ro6ections of t ose s ado*s and emotions. / en% * en or if t is situation is e'er o'er% a s ift in t e (olitical climateQ I could5'e as easily a'e c osen to focus on ot er (ro6ects% ideas. I at does it matterG It5s all (ro6ection any*ay% 0 more t an a stu(id dream. / e *orld% minds% *ill 6ust a'e to learn to c ange% see t e &igger% *ider (icture% and in more de(t too% emotionally% (syc ologically% as I5'e ad to do. "nd as / ey &elie'e t ey don5t. 3f course t ey don5t. It5s e'eryone and e'eryt ing else t at5s t e (ro&lem. "nd all t is =do+gooding5% all t is &usiness sa'es t em from a'ing to contem(late t e *rec$age and (ur(oselessness of t eir o*n li'es &y su&stituting a ( oney (ur(ose for it. I at could &e more (ur(oseful% more engaging% more useful% t an *rec$ing t e li'es of ot ersG 7 I ile &elie'ing t eir o*n =relations i(s are * ole% intact. =Hife &eing * at it is% one dreams of re'enge.5 .augin. I a'e t e talent t ey *is t ey ad. 3t ers a'e t e fame% t e ric es and adulation t ey *is t ey ad. Det (oliticians a'e it and are no &etter% far *orse oftentimes. It5s all a c imera% fools gold. / ey allo* t emsel'es to feel im(ortant &y (roxy% carrying on t is (seudo+aloof indirect aggression% as if t ey5re too good to directly ac$no*ledge t e target% * en it5s o&'ious t ey5re facile% sterile in t eir emotions and doomed outloo$, t at it and t ey go no* ere% from year to year% generation to generation. Ideas are a&stractions to t em% irrele'ant% exce(t insofar as it reinforces t e reality of t e *orld% t e &ody% t e &elief in 'engeance% sin% guilt. / ey a'e no conce(tion of t e true state of affairs% of o* t ey allo* t emsel'es to &e used% &y negati'e entities% t e ego as a * ole% t at t e *orld t ey see is a (ro6ection. It doesn5t matter * at t ey &elie'e% * et er t ey learn or not,

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* at5s im(ortant is t at I do% and t at I can ex(ress it in *riting. "nd my frustration% fuc$u(s and iccu(s too. Per a(s most of t is is merely self+indulgence. Some (eo(le almost des(air of t e notion of *riting anyt ing of *ort in t e current climate. / e *orld is going to ec$ in a and &as$et. / at reminds me% I ne'er did finis #oris Hessing5s -riefing for a #ecent into Cell. "not er one I could &e reading. "gain% It *ill &e interesting to $no* * at it5s all a&out% * at trans(ires. I5m stiff% getting tired. I5'e &een exercising, s;uats% touc ing my toes% and sit+u(s no*, not as ard as I t oug t it mig t &e, its &een a * ile. "ll t is undo+gooding is ex austing% &ut (ro&a&ly not as ex austing as do+gooding. Hot5s of -S5ing earlier today% no* yesterday, it5s almost 4 am. I5m a&out ready to a'e a s o*er% eat some fis fingers% t oug I5d (refer to &e ungrier. -ut it must &e around four ours since I ate some sausages on &read% margarine. I (refer &utter% &ut ad o'ers(ent as it is. "s I didn5t go out% I5'e s(ent a good (art of t e day o(ening and closing t e front door% t oug I 6ust *ent do*n to t e &ins for my c air t at someone t re* out% t e territorial arse*i(es. I ad it on t e stairs at t e &ottom% to use for t e garden * en I *anted% confound t e minions% t oug t ey can still a'e t e &i$es *it in eyes ot easily enoug % as earlier today, t ree *it in a 'ery s ort s(ace of time as t ey tried to catc me out% ex(ecting me to emerge from my lair, or is it t at * at They doG / ey emerged from 'arious *or$s on t e ot er side of t e street% t oug motor&i$es are al*ays in force and on t e go, t is seems to &e (art of t e o((ression t roug mind% &y t eir fre;uent (resence% as *ell as to catc me off guard% emerging on t e off+ c ance, * o $no*sG It5s time to turn t e fis y fingers and turn t e eat off. I en I got u( t is afternoon% t ere *ere older $ids directly o((osite t e close% t oug I sa* from t e sitting room, I5'e ta$en t e ig er (ainting do*n and can see out &etter no*. 3ne *as sitting% *it one $nee u(% =/ e /rut "&out Iilson5 styli% t e ot er doing exercises% &ot in 6ogging gear. / e &lo$e standing loo$ed li$e t e =$id5 t at *as running &ac$ and fort t e ot er day% trying to

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catc me as I came out. I ad im going u( and do*n t e street% li$e a yo yo% t e uninformed t*on$. I didn5t *atc muc , ad to get to t e loo for a (ee% sat do*n instead. I $ne* t ey *ouldn5t &e t ere * en I loo$ed next. / is is a 'ariation on cars ?i((ing &y% engines starting u( etc.% as soon as I go to t e &at room first t ing. It5s li$ely &ased on t e first noises of t e day I ma$e. 3r I5m cutting t roug t e &eam of a idden sensor. -ut if t at *ere t e case% *ould t ey need me o(ening t e front door to sync ronise t e arassment in timeG 0ay&e t ey use &ot . / e red cars are (redicta&le% often t*o at a time. I en I did my door t ing% &at room *indo* o(en% I eard cars doors slamming into (lace% engines starting etc.% as (er usual. / ey launc into action. I5'e &een designated for u( to t e second relentless o((ression. I at a lot of *or$ for t em it must &e% es(ecially t e (erson or (eo(le * o a'e to alert t em e'ery time. 0ost of t e time it5s a =false alarm5. It must &e frustrating% &ut of course% t ey *on5t &e &laming im orLand er for it. I5m o&'iously =tric$y5. / ey must see it as a (ersonal c allenge no*, laug a&le in itself * en *e5re tal$ing tens% (ossi&ly undreds to one. I used to ne'er &elie'e t at% as I say. Peo(le *ould seem to claim suc num&ers ;uite &lit ely I t oug t. / e situation ad clearly got to t em. I5m not so sure no*. 3n t e ot er and it *ouldn5t el( me for to t in$ I5m t e only (erson to recei'e suc treatment. It5s clear from many ot er accounts, ot ers are ex(eriencing t e same t ing to 'arying degrees. / e *ar on =terrorists5 as &een ta$en to t e streets. / e locals in c arge inter(ret t at as t ey see fit% &elie'ing t ey can no* stom( on anyone t ey (ercei'e as insulting or &elittling t eir aut ority% li$e any y(ersensiti'e% terminally insecure narcissist% as you *ould ex(ect. / ere5s al*ays a res(onse to my o(ening my front door. 3ften I t in$ t ere *on5t &e% &ut t ere al*ays is. / e 'ery fe* times I a'en5t (ic$ed u( on anyt ing out of t e undreds if not t ousands of instances no*% is more t an (ro&a&ly &ecause it *as idden. It5s all = idden5, rig t t ere in front of anyone * o cares to loo$. I at5s *it t e four car con'oys in an ot er*ise ;uiet streetGG <o one (ic$s u( on it. / ey 6ust a((ened to come and line u( at t e same time% t*o red in frontG / e same cars turn into

44>

t e *or$s o((osite. I en I do t e door again% t ey turn u( t e &ac$% come round again, I see from t e *indo* ere% sometimes o'ertly% as often &et*een t e s(ace of t e (ainting and t e sill at t e edge of my *indo*. " female 6ogger came out% t*ice. It could &e natural% &ut t ey5re all at it. " &unc of t em *ere going round and round in t e dri??le t e ot er day. I *aited till t ey sto((ed% t en did t e door. E'en * en I5d t oug t t ey *ere gone t ey *ere t ere% &ut not t at time. I see ot ers anging around. / en t is &int came out, I (ic$ed u( t e fly s(ray% did s(raying motions, t ere as &een flies too% &ut I don5t t in$ t ey5re actually in on it% t ey5re 6ust (ests. I5m $idding. Jee?. S e came out t*ice% or er t*in sister *as t ere too, t is *as later. I did t e =s(raying5 again. .aslig ting can &e as contagious as t e contagion of *eirdness. Earlier on too% 6ust * en I *as &eginning to *onder if anyt ing *ould a((en sitting at t e loo *indo*% a tall% slim% s a(ely &int a((eared% *al$ed out. I ad a old of t e loose *ire outside t e *indo*. I can (ull it in% let it go as I did * en s e loo$ed% sa* I *as t ere. Small t ings for e'en smaller minds. / e ot er one is t e dogs5. I5d gone to t e $itc en *indo*% antici(ated t e correct side% a young &int ;uic$ly a((earing on t e scene *it er dog from one of t e flats near t e to( of t e road. S e could catc u( as I5m out% so t e =(aranoid5 target *ill turn and loo$ &ac$ at some (oint. I *aited till s e *as almost out of 'ie* to my left side% on$ed my &i$e+ orn, ilarious. .aslig ting t e gaslig ters. It5s all t ey deser'e rig t no*. / eir goal is murder% suicide. I5'e as little sym(at y for t eir self+rig teous mercilessness as t ey a'e for me. / ey don5t esitate or t in$ t*ice * ereas I do t oug . -ut I5'e &een en6oying t e orn again. / at and t e 2un Sna(s% t oug I5m almost out of t ose. It *ould &e easy to s(end around 30+V40 a *ee$ on t ose, t en t ere are t e &atteries for t e camera. -i$es are free% &ut loo$ at * at t e rest must s(end on (etrol+ or some of t e time. It can5t all coincide *it * ere t ey a((en to &e going. "nd t ere are all t ose red to(s to &uy and launder. -ottoms too. Hots of t ose earlier too. It5s ;uite ludicrous. Red cars% " P3 'an% ac$no*ledging a dri'er in a red to( as e let im &y. / ere5s a &ottlenec$ some yards u( t e

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street. Co* sym&olicQ -ut it5s a cult 8man9. " &unc of cults. / e =ne*5 -S cult of artificial sync ronicity. =Sync ronising t e Iorld5% 6ust as t e 1(s 'ans say. / ey *ere t ere too% as al*ays. / ey all too$ it too literally of course. It5s t e *orlders notion of * at sync ronicity means% a fools idea of * at it means. / ey don5t &elie'e in it% only coincidence% * en it suits t em. / ey don5t &elie'e in cons(iracies eit er. Exce(t * ere it suits t em% t en it can &e called somet ing else. / e =*ar on terror5 is a mass cons(iracy in (lan sig t as *ell as a mass delusion. It5s as delusional in its% t eir% &elief t at e'eryone else s ares it% t at it5s t e only 6ustifia&ly =normal5 (erce(tion of t e *orld% of consensus reality. 3r else. I5m too slee(y to &e t isQ * ate'er. I can eat no*. S it% I5'e still to s o*er. /omo. I mig t sli(% &rea$ somet ing. 0y &rain.

%riday 'uly 2 #2 It5s 1.20 am% a continuation of / ursday. I read t e first c a(ter of C. .. Iells5 / e 2irst 0en in t e 0oon. / e film *as on in t e afternoon% so t at (ut (aid to going out. / e film as a c arm all its o*n. I read or reread it * en I *as at secondary sc ool. It *as ;uite magical. S$ul$ing into t e cloa$room to read it during lunc time as if I *ere o&liged to ide some s ameful% solitary 'ice. I (ro&a&ly al*ays carried a &oo$. <o teac er e'er

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as$ed * at I *as reading. / ey *ere all asses% or most of t em, more concerned% nay% o&sessed *it one+u(mans i( and (etty slig ts and umiliations. / ey *ere cle'er for t e most (art. / ey *eren5t 'ery (erce(ti'e. I5'e long forgotten most of t e no'el. E'en t e first c a(ter is far more in'ol'ed t an anyt ing (ortrayed in t e film% t oug t ere5s no romantic interest as in t e mo'ie. "nd -edford is sce(tical of !a'or and is =cra?y5 ideas% * ereas% in t e no'el% e5s utterly con'inced &y is scientific acumen% of is originality and ex(ertise. / e film 'ersion% released in 1NB4% is made all t e more eerie &y t e animation of Ray Carry ausen% famous for Jason and t e "rgonauts% or so I5m assuming. 0ost of t e Selenites+ t e deni?ens of t e moon% are o&'iously (eo(le in costumes% mas$s. -ut it *or$ed *ell due to t e *eird sound effects% t e i'e noise t ey made. Some of t e scenes are ;uite emoti'e% &eautiful in t eir *ay% li$e a (ainting% &ut too t ird dimensional to &e a (ainting. I5d forgotten t e ending% t at% * en an ex(edition lands years later% t e main &ody of t e film is &ased in 1MNN% t e 0oon is crum&ling under t eir feet. !a'or ad stayed% s(reading is infection% a cold. / e Selenites5 ci'ilisation *as destroyed t roug a 'irus. 0uc t e same% (ractically identical% to o* t e 0artians are *i(ed out in Iar of t e Iorlds. / e no'el is &ased on suc a sim(le idea. Iells *asn5t scientific in is no'els in t e *ay Jules 4erne stro'e to &e% t oug ine'ita&ly 4erne *as going to &e inaccurate sometimes. !a'orite% a su&stance lig ter t an gra'ity% is li$e a c ild5s notion of o* one mig t get to t e moon% if *ritten *it t e so( istication of an adult. It could &e a comic 7 or gra( ic no'el. / e film *as semi+ comical% no (un intended. I5'e already mentioned S)5s !ell. Ro&ert ! arles Iilson *rote a no'el% / e ! ronolit s% in * ic artefacts from a future *ar materialise in t e (resent. Ce ma$es a great story out of t is. Ce5s one of t ose *riters * o are so erudite I feel stu(id reading im. / at includes !I and R"I. " tri(le * ammy Iilson. / ere5s also 0ysterium. I read it a cou(le of times I t in$% o'er a decade ago. " * ole to*n is mysteriously relocated into t e middle of no* ere. Iit S(in% a more recent no'el% t e uni'erse as s(eeded u( * ile t e Eart stays t e

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same. I5d li$e to try and come u( *it some cle'erstu(id idea myself. I say t at &ecause I5m not sure * at I5d do *it it% e'en if I can. I can see * y an accom(lis ed no'elist *on5t *aste it% de'elo(ing a * ole &oo$ from it. I can see myself coming u( *it some idea% t in$ing it5s great% and t en realising it isn5t so ot around t*enty (ages in% if t at. 3r I 6ust don5t $no* * ere to go *it it. I ic is * y I5'e fancied t e notion of s ort stories% e'en t oug I5'e ne'er t oug t of myself as a s ort story *riter. I a'e a large 'olume of s ort stories &y Iells, I $ee( forgetting% t oug I did read some as a $id% and some years ago again. <o* *ould &e a good time. 0ore of S) too. So let5s see... stu(id ideas% stu(id ideas... Cell% I a'e to finis t is first. I ad ot er t ings t at came &ac$ to mind% t e usual sus(ects. / e same old re(etitious cla(tra(. I tend to forget it% e'en recent e'ents% it all &lurs onto eac ot er sometimes. I could come u( *it e'en *eirder =gs5 s it% &lurring fantasy and =reality5. I could go on a ram(age. Some (eo(le a'e% as I said. / ey s ould5'e *ritten t eir story do*n% s(elt it out. Dea % I could &e a target loo$ing for some (ay&ac$, not t at it could go 'ery far. "nd as I say% t e &est =(ay&ac$5 is to ex(ose it. -ut fantasy can go as far as I c oose. " case of s o*% don5t tell% unli$e most of t is lot. I5m too slee(y for t is. I *is I5d read more t an t e fe* P)# stories t at I a'e. Ce5d *rite one e'ery day% * ile li'ing on orsemeat some of t e time. / at5s dedication. <o sou( $itc ensG It5s difficult to imagine a scenario airier t an t e one I5m in exce(t to a more extreme degree. It5s all (retty orrific no*. / e o'erall scenario actually is scarier t en S). I5ll see o* / e #ome goes. R!I *rites great s ort stories% as I say. <o'ellas too. I read most of Ray -rad&ury5s. I5ll reread 0artin "mis5. Einstein5s 0onsters. I ad a 'olume of Ro&ert S ec$ley5s some* ere% t e S2 *riter. I a'e Carlan Ellison% * o5s *ritten 1000 or so. Ce doesn5t &elie'e in 123s% t e (aranormal% (referring fantasy. 0ay&e e s ould s(end more time reading% researc ing% and less *riting. Ce didn5t a'e a clue as to * at 2001, " S(ace 3dyssey is a&out eit er% not too sur(risingly. Jee(ers !ree(ers. I need only t in$ of Jo n )eel5s / e 0ot man Pro( ecies to $no* o* *eird t ings can get,

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*eirder t an any fiction% and all t e more gri((ing and distur&ing for t at reason. / at5s * y t is situation is so distur&ing. 2ortunately it5s all still a fiction. "nd I still don5t $no* o* t ey5re doing some of it. " *oman standing at er car% (ur(le% t e ot er day% o((osite t e closeLsitting room *indo* ere% 6ust as I *o$e. / at *as (er a(s coincidence. I *as s(eculating on t e (ossi&ility of a idden camera ere too% &ut if I5m ;uiet% t en may&e t at5s all t ey need, t ey $no* * en I get u(. -ut *e5re tal$ing seconds t at time, I loo$ed out t e *indo* &efore I *ent to t e loo. "ccidents *ill a((en. "nd let5s not forget ca&le /4 &oxes a'e internal micro( ones% and t e ca&le com(anies are at t is too. / ey all are% man, get *it t e (rogram, t ey certainly are. I5m t in$ing a&out my relati'ely recent 123 ex(erience. Co* *eird% outrT% *as t atG "nd it too$ (lace during an intense day of =gs@ arassment too. I *ell recall t e distinct sensation of res(ite% of getting off t e streetLs% feeling tem(orarily safe% = idden5 during t e tal$ I *ent to, on 123s etc. .o figure. I didn5t ex(ect one to ma$e an a((earance s ortly after t e end% * en I *ent u(stairs to t eir loo. I felt li$e t e dog in t e .ary Harson cartoon: EI told you t ey *ould come.F =.angstal$ing5% 123s... !an it get any &etterG -y * ic I mean *eirder% more =cra?yG5 I couldn5t ma$e it u(. I could% &ut I5m not. / is account *on5t &e =com(lete5 in any sense until I descri&e t at. It ties in *it t e &igger (icture I5'e touc ed on. / at5s t e (ro&lem *it t e gs -S as *ell as its (ur(ose, t at it5s designed so you can do anyt ing &ut t at% $ee(ing your mind ri'eted to t e ere and no*% as is t eirs. "nd not in a good *ay. Ie5re not tal$ing a&out t e oly instant of "!I0 ere% t oug as J em( asises in t e !ourse% it can &e acce(ted any* ere% in any situation. / ey really are ood*in$ed. 2iddling * ile Rome &urns. If t ey defeated e'ery =/3.5% t eir em(ire really *ould end% at least for t e next c a(ter in ci'ilisation. "nd let5s &e &lunt, *e5re not ci'ilised yet. Cer& .old&erg certainly $no*s t at. / is is a &ac$*ards% insane *orld. Slee(y time. I used to dream of flying a&o'e t em all. / e 123 sig ting% more of an ex(erience% seems more t an sym&olic of t at some o*. 3ne ne'er ex(ects t ese t ings to a((en%

4>0

certainly *it my am&i'alence on t e su&6ect of late. "s de'elo(ments go% it5s a real ston$er. 3f course% a (art of me *ould (refer to &e li$e t e aliens in anot er .ary Harson cartoon% * ere t ey5re s(eeding lo*% o'er t e terrified t rong fleeing for t eir li'es% s outing EDeeee aaaaaaOOOOF / at5s * at t e =gs5 *ould (refer to do really. Theyre t e aliens. It5s all illusion% rig t do*n to t eir 6ogging s oes and &icycle (um(s.

"at, 'uly Read% read% and read. It5s a&out all I *ant to do% loo$ing at all t ose unread &oo$s o'er t e years. It5s not 6ust t at It5s o&'ious t at * en I go out% t e idea is to literally sto( me in my trac$s. )ee(ing t at in mind% t at t e minions a'e &een instructed to o&struct at e'ery turn any (rogress I mig t ma$e% it fired me *it a certain determination. If I *ere actually a =&ona+fide5 criminal trying to =ma$e good5% get on t e (at to re a&ilitation of some $ind% =*al$ t e straig t and narro*5% t is situation% t e arassment% t e o&sessi'e stal$ing% &adgering% t e unrelenting attem(ts at sa&otage% discouragement% gi'es t e lie to any notion it5s solely do*n to one5s o*n efforts% and t at if you don5t get it toget er% it5s no&ody5s fault &ut your o*n. / is system is determined you5ll scre* u(% (refera&ly &ig time% and *it t eir t oug tful and generously unrelenting el(. It5s s(ecifically designed for t at (ur(ose. 0ind you% I did add a certain (ro'ocation% and do most times% from incident to incident% &ut t at5s a matter of inter(retation. / ey get a reaction% carry it on% ad6ust% and increase it. Partly% it5s as muc intentional on my o*n (art% (laying *it fire% mani(ulating t em in my o*n *ay. -ut e'en if I can5t $ee( trac$ of it all% e'en if t ey do = a'e t e dro( on me5 some or e'en most of t e time% t ey5ll ne'er guess t ere5s a (er'ersely amusing as(ect% t e t oug t t at in my *ay% I instigated it, all t is running around on t eir (art% all t is manic acti'ity all o'er to*n% * ile t ey t in$ it comes solely from t eir andlerLs% * ereas / ey5re moti'ated as muc &y anger% resentment% t e &elief in a'ing lost face. -ut it al*ays comes &ac$ to ada(ting to t eir set+u(s% ada(ting as &est you can. If it

4>1

ain5t &ro$en% * y try and fix itG So yea % t ey see me getting (rints% (aintings toget er in s(ite of all t is cra(% t oug I did some years ago% see me s aring a s(ot on t e 0ound and *ant to ni( t at s it in t e &ud. /alent ma$es t em all t e more resentful% if anyt ing. / at isn5t in t e game (lan. In t eir *orld of &odies and cle'er+clogs confusion+ tec ni;ues% t e targets% losers% aren5t su((osed to &e demonstrating t ey5re more t an ca(a&le of functioning on a ig le'el of =creati'e5 a&ility as *ell as t oug t+(rocesses. I5m su((osed to &e utterly o'er* elmed% or certainly getting t ere. -ut it5s as #as$alos% t e .ree$ magus said: / at * at *as extremely difficult% *as t e cause of stress &efore% anguis e'en% &ecomes gradually easier or sim(ler t e next time and t e next time% and so on. 0ay&e% as I $no* t e &asic goal+ murder% and strategy+ gaslig ting and sensitisation% it5s a gradual learning (rocess in s(ite of myself% &ut learning in a *ay t ey ne'er en'isaged% t oug it5s a matter of &eing alert too% of $ee(ing an attitude of mind t at undermines t e conditioning as(ect, t at it5s not real% and one doesn5t a'e to figure it all out. / at% as "!I0 says% t e ego lo'es not ing more t an to a'e you try to ma$e sense of it all% to ta$e it o so seriously. / ey5re all idiots, t ey don5t $no* s it exce(t s(ecialness% destructi'eness. I at5s to figure out * en t at5s 6ust a (art of t e goal of distraction tooG I en it5s all irrele'ant% literally time *asting, and to sto( targets from carrying t roug any $ind of game (lan o*e'er (ositi'e% =creati'e5% * ate'er. It5s all t e &etter to focus on it directly% as *it t is *riting. / is is my sitcom of sorts% as intended. "nyt ing% t e (ainting% t e notion of some $ind of career as an artist still% is secondary% t oug I5m genuinely s$ilful. It isn5t a matter of sla((ing some (aint on and calling myself an =artist5. I5'e (racticed% (ainted for years. 0y a&ilities are of a (rofessional standard no*% a'e &een for years. / is situation *ould a'e you cutting your t roat in a&6ect des(air and (o'erty. It doesn5t gi'e a toss a&out (rogress exce(t in its o*n terms of sterile% tec nological deat as ad'ancement% confusing entro(y *it e'olution% t ey5re so fundamentally confused. I5m a dedicated dilettante% in one form or anot er. / e ironic

4>2

(art is t at * en t ings *ere relati'ely smoot % and ad &een for a * ile% ending some mont s &ac$% &efore I &ecame (u&lic enemy num&er B% I didn5t *rite for *ee$s at a time% (ossi&ly a mont or t*o. Part of t e (ro&lem is in t in$ing t at t e only time to *rite is * en t ere5s a definite (ro&lem to sol'e, it5s too easy to forget t at *riting can &e of interest and a (leasure in itself, t at t ere are so many areas of interest to ex(lore. / at% and &elie'ing t ere5s a genuine (ro&lem to &e sol'ed% * ereas as Ia(nic$ said in a 'ideo some mont s &ac$% t e (ro&lem is in $elievin t ere5s a (ro&lem. -ecause it all ta$es (lace only in t e mind. I ic as reminded me * at I ad in mind to remar$ on, t at I could a'e said% and can still easily ma$e t e mista$e of &elie'ing I a'e to deal *it t e situation directly% or try to% * ereas t at *ould &e e;ui'alent to *al$ing u( to t e images on a cinema screen and trying to affect t e c aracters% t e situation t ere. I at ta$es (lace on t e screen is only t e (ro6ection of * at goes t roug t e (ro6ector in t e (ro6ection room% t e e;ui'alent of t e mind. / at5s * at needs to &e ad6usted. "s Ia(nic$ descri&es in 2acim5s excer(ts series and articles% you a'e to go &ac$ to t e =decision+ma$er5% t e (art of t e mind outside of time and s(ace and c oose &et*een t e ego and t e Coly S(irit 8or Jesus% or any sym&ol you (refer9. " toug one% as t is situation is designed to $ee( you loc$ed into t e = ere and no*5% ri'eted to t e ego% linear e'ents and concrete =reality5% not to mention loc$ed into t e fear fre;uency as Ic$e *ould (ut it% cutting you off from your ig er% intuiti'e a*areness. / e a&ility to &e =in tune *it t e infinite5 if you li$e% t e ig er fre;uencies *e *ere su((osed to function on% as t e / ird 0illennium (ut it% &ac$ in =N1. Dou5d t in$ t e a'erage citi?en *ould (ic$ u( on t is, or I *ould. I at I do (ic$ u( on is t at t eir (rofessed ent usiasm for food for t e mind% t eir feng s ui% t eir yoga% t eir ne* agey (ositi'e t in$ing and =a&undance5 (rograms is a lot of orses it, I5'e found t e ne* agers and t e rest% t e (eaceni$s% t e uggy studenty ty(es% t in$ing t ey a'e some $ind of s(ecial (lace in ma$ing t e *orld a &etter (lace% 6oin t e fray li$e any good fascist * en as$ed. So muc for inner direction and guidance. -ut I ne'er did ta$e to t ese 'eggy% (ony+tailed (assi'e+

4>3

aggressi'e y(ocrites. I al*ays $ne* t ey *ere as full of cra( as yer a'erage *or$ing class 'an+dri'ing% taxi+dri'ing t*on$. / e lo*er middle+class ere is no &etter. "nyt ing for a =(eaceful5 life, anyt ing to fit in. I5d say t at *it t is $ind of (ressure% one can ardly &lame t em% &ut t e reality is t at t ey can &e influenced% (ersuaded% at t e 'irtual dro( of a at. "gain% it &lurs t e demarcation &et*een t e t uggis and t e so+called ci'ilised. I5m sure many of t em see t emsel'es as ;uite intellectual% emotionally so( isticated% e'en gentle% non+ 'iolent% (eaceful (eo(le. / ey5re yo&s. 4iolence is of t e mind% and t at5s t e common denominator. =!ommon(lace5 is t e o(erati'e *ord ere, your common garden+'ariety socio(at . It all% t e line% &egins to &lur. It must &e nice to &e so coc$sure of e'eryt ing and e'eryone, to loo$ on t e (eo(le and t e *orld in suc sim(listic terms. / ey5re t e (eo(le * o rarely ma$e t e mista$e of (utting t emsel'es out for anyone. / e (eo(le * o ardly t in$ t*ice of c eating% stealing from t eir friends% ac;uaintances% clients% &usiness associates% Insignificant 3t ers% &ut *ould ne'er dream of stealing from a s o(% a store% as t at re(resents =society5% =t e 0an5% t e Esta&lis ment. "nd t ere may &e more t an 6ust one (erson5s o(inion, t ere5s !!/4. / is a((lies only u( to a (oint for certain (eo(le% &ut it5s an accurate rule of t um& I t in$. 3t ers a'e no suc scru(les% and ma$e a career of &eing (rofessional socio(at s% * et er t ey5re stealing from stores% or are co*&oy &uilders and t e rest ro&&ing (ensioners of t eir sa'ings% or t e (syc o &an$ers and cor(orations ro&&ing t e (le&s 7 e'eryone t ey see as &elo* t em in t eir fascistic elitism 7 &lind% in t eir dog eat dog *orld and mindset. I don5t steal from stores eit er, * y ma$e it e'en easier for t emG -ut I did munc my *ay t roug a donut t e ot er *ee$ * en I *as s$int. It5s &een a * ile since I did somet ing li$e t at, it5s &een a * ile since I *as so s$int% t oug I5m fine rig t no*. It5s remar$a&ly difficult to get t roug a donut uno&ser'ed. Peo(le al*ays seem to &e c ec$ing eac ot er out, t ere5s al*ays t e stray% unsolicited glance% a loo$. -ut t en% I5d a'e to loo$ to

4>4

see t at. If I *eren5t loo$ing *ould it still &e t ereG 3f course it *ould. "ny*ay% I could5'e &oug t it earlier, it5s a matter of (ulling it off. / e &ig donut eist. I5m getting ungry, good. I noticed my ne* c ea( 6eans fit me no*. I5d &een &uttoning t e to( for t e (ast day or t ree% t en it came &ac$ to me% t ey *ere too small * en I &oug t t em. I could only get a 40+inc *aste. I needed a 44% or so I assumed% couldn5t e'en find a 42% Primar$5s to( si?e. I li$ed t eir trousers% s iny s iny% &ut didn5t &uy any for t e same reason. It *as a really *arm day, t e s*eat *as (ouring off me... I5m distracted &y t is film on ! annel 4: Red cliff% 200M. " istorical e(ic% set in / ird !entury ! ina, t e fig tL&attle scenes are li$e .ladiator x10. Reminding me again% I &oug t / e "rt of Iar. 0ay&e I s ould read it as soon as I can% * ile I5m still in t e land of t e li'ing dead% ma$e t e &est of it. "ny*ay% I5m almost as (leased as (unc o'er t e (ossi&ility I5'e lost some *eig t% t oug t at seems unli$ely. -ut I can5t t in$ of any ot er (ossi&ility, I a'en5t *as ed t em yet% and * at mig t s rin$ t em if anyt ing% not ex(and t em, =Ex(and to fitG5 I5m t in$ing it must &e due to t e ot er nig t again% s$int or still s$int% I5'e lost trac$% and missed out a cou(le of meals or t ree% settled for cereal% tea. I *as sur(risingly un ungry% getting t roug t e nig t and slee(ing o$ay% my stomac still settled * en I *o$e, I tend not to eat first t ing any*ay. I felt relaxed% I ad money t at day, 6ust a matter of getting to t e cas (oint. I could5'e gone out t e (re'ious e'ening% tried to (ic$ u( some c ea( rolls% e'en eggs to go *it ... &ut stayed in. / is is * at a((ens. / ere5s so muc unrelenting -S% t e tem(tation is to stay (ut unless it5s essential. E'en food &ecomes less of a (riority if I5'e &een so foolis as to miscalculate on a (re'ious day and s o((ing tri(% o*e'er casual. I recall no*, I *as tem(ted to go to t e c i(s o(, so o&'iously I ad some money. -ut I let it go% reflecting on t e sa'ing any*ay. / at and a'ing told myself I mig t e'en lose some *eig t% so it5s all for t e &est in t at it *or$s in my fa'our. "nd it seems to a'e. -ecause * en I *as sitting in t at c anging &oot % I could see myself in a mirror from t e sideLsitting side*ays, it loo$ed li$e some &ig+girt ed stranger% some *ell filled out =fat &lo$e5.

4>>

"unday 2) 'uly 2 #2 -riefing for a descent into s ite. I o(ened t e front door first t ing t is time% &efore I ad a turd. / at *ay I5ll feel more in control. 3f course% t ey5d only need a fe* red cars% (eo(le (assing for a * ile% or at inter'als, c ance does t e rest, or conditioning does. Just in case it sound5s ludicrous% e'ery incident =exaggerated5 or a'ing no &earing in =reality5% consider t at as *ell as a 6ogger 7 I sa* is reflection from t e *indo*s of t e &ottom *or$s o((osite% * ile standing in t e sitting room. Ca: Standing in t e sitting room. Ce *as going at a relaxed (ace. 4ery soon after% some &int in a &rig t red to(% *al$ing er dog% on t e o((osite side% under t e *or$s *indo*s. Silly co*. 8/ en% after I5d *ent to t e $itc en to o(en t e *indo* to let =fres 5 air in 7 at least t e *or$s are closed 7 a car dro'e do*n, I *as already alert, t e timing is too (at% and as sure as s it% as I *as loo$ing for t e &irdseed I5d &oug t at t e ! ea( "s S it store in t e mall yesterday% e s*er'ed into to t e a(erture of t e *or$s on t e same side% t en out again, anot er youngis loo$ing &lo$e% anot er facile cle'er+cunt. I (ut t e &irdseed on t e *indo* at t e same time. It *ould a'e &een as easy to gi'e im t e finger *it out loo$ing at im% antici(ating

4>B

is act9. "not er cra?y =no cons(iracy5 t eorist signed u( to some mad =sync ronicity5 cult. / ey5'e no conce(tion of t e genuine sync ronicities t at do occur * en in tune *it one5s intuition% t e sense of ot er times and (laces% one5s *ider self% =intimations of immortality5% t e connectedness &et*een all &eings and e'ents% not t e s a&&y su&stitute t e ego offers in t eir (lace and in (lace of s(irit. It5s li$e a s(oiled% self+centred c ild5s notion of * at constitutes *isdom, t e same *it t eir tec ie toys. I $ne* e'en from t e *ay a car s(eeded u( coming from t e ot er side% t at it *asn5t =regular5. Ce slo*ed and did a 1+turn &et*een t e *or$s entrances% 6ust to t e side% as I say. / ere a'e &een lots of red to(s% red ca(s too. Red fo(s. Red as ne'er &een so (o(ular. It5s a &ooming industry. / e 2-I *ill tell you it5s t e colour of communism% terrorists. "ren5t t ey cle'erG I a'e #r I o and der #ale$s on 7 s o*ing on ! annel >. I5d forgotten a&out t e /ardis% &igger on t e inside% standard si?e from t e outside. " great idea. I at *as t e film I sa* * ere a * ole city li'es in a dro( of *aterG 3r *as it one of t ose (lastic &au&les t at * en you s a$e it% it sno*sG 0y memory is going% #a'e. "n e(isode of / e /*ilig t AoneG 2amily .uyG -ut it got across t at great tragedies% e(ic struggles can ta$e (lace *it in infinitesimal% su(remely inconse;uential circumstances. " meta( or for my o*n life and situation% it occurs to me. Ie5re all t e central% most im(ortant c aracters of our little dreams and dramas. / e ultimate /ardis analogy as to &e t e &rain% t oug *e5re really tal$ing a&out t e mind. <ot only does a * ole *orld stem from it% &ut all *orlds% t e * ole uni'erse and e'ery uni'erse. / e ultimate story =gimmic$5, e'ery story% e'ery dream stems from it. Hoo$ing at S eldon5s cool tee s irt in / e -ig -ang / eory during t e ad &rea$ as 6ust reminded me of somet ing. It5s t e e(isode * ere e =de'elo(s a scientific (rocedure for ma$ing friends5. Sitting on 7 ey% " Person of Interest loo$s (retty good% a ne* series coming on ! annel >% starring Jim !a'e?iel% e of t e Jesus of <a?aret &lood&at , I o(e it isn5t disa((ointing. Ce

4>K

*as in an en6oya&le time+tra'el film too. 2re;uencyG EDa oo. Remem&er t at name% $id.F 8 / at *as #ennis :uaid9. Ce also (layed <o B in / e Prisoner rema$e. QSitting on a &enc in St James !entre% after c om(ing do*n on my (asties I got from t e &a$ery no* a &it cold after going to De 3ld ! ea(e S o((e first% and *aiting for t e rain to sto( 7 a &ig &lac$ S14 sitting 6ust to t e side of t e exit% I noticed 7 al*ays *it t e suggestion, a &lo$e in a t+s irt I $ne* came &y and sat do*n on t e same &enc . I $ne* t e t+s irt% not im. I didn5t (ay im any more attention. -ut as soon as I sa* it% I almost remar$ed on it. I *anted to say I almost &oug t t at t+s irt 6ust t e ot er day% in Primar$5s 8no* t ere5s al*ays a &i$e outside it * en I (ass% * et er on foot or on t e &us9. I5m al*ays dra*n to communicate my ent usiasm% li$e a &ig $id. / en t oug t: e5ll only t in$ I5m a t*on$ any*ay. I adn5t realised o* accurate t at *as. Co* silly of me, o* o&tuse. It *as intentional. / ey5d &een o&ser'ing me in Primar$% *atc ing my e'ery mo'e, al*ays loo$ing to see * at t ey can gaslig t me *it . It didn5t *or$. I5m su((osed to (u??le% e'en agonise o'er * et er it *as intentional or not% coincidence or not. I assumed it *as. <o* I realise it *as not ing of t e $ind. / ere *as no =in+ &et*een5% no 'acillating in t e interim. I5d t oug t e 6ust a((ened to a'e good taste% li$e me. " not ing little incident% &ut a ty(ical one, li$e t e t*on$ dri'ing &y my $itc en side of t e &uilding earlier. / ey rarely miss a tric$+ literally. I o(ened t e *indo* 6ust &efore% &ut only for a moment as I c ec$ed t e &irdseed, I5d (ut out some t is morning &efore I *ent to =&ed5. 0ost of it *as eaten. I5m tired of gulls de'ouring t e &read I (ut out, smaller &irds don5t get a loo$ in% exce(t for (igeons. "nd 'arious mem&ers of t e !ro* family. " deat of cro*s. It *ould &e% *ouldn5t itG -ut for me% t ese &irds are almost =t e lig t5 no*. I5'e al*ays felt an affinity *it &irds, t e sense t at *e5re =all in t is toget er5. "ny*ay% a red car cur'ed in% from t e *or$s o((osite, unnecessarily far in% so I could see it% &efore s*er'ing out to t e street again% and a*ay.

4>M

/ ere *as a car &e ind it% 6ust as it ad come out% only% t e car turned normally. I rest my case. I5d forgotten #r I o and c ums meet a &unc of good+ loo$ing mutants. / e #ale$s5 ad said t ey5re ideously deformed. S ades of t e later -eneat t e Planet of t e "(es. "nd t e 3mega 0an% *it ! arlton Ceston. Roy Cudd (layed t e lig t relief% Peter !us ing t e old% slig tly &um&ling% a&sent+ minded #octor% a comic &oo$ or college $id5s conce(tion of a scientist% 8excluding t e 0ad ones9 as 0aslo* (ointed out &ac$ in t e 1N>0s or earlier. Released in 1NB>% I sa* it at t e "storia !inema in #undee some years later. I *as disa((ointed t at t e filmma$ers ad t e #ale$s use =gas 6ets5 instead of t e /o( of t e Po(sy science+fictiony effect. I ere% * en t e #ale$s exterminated anyone% t ey *ere s o*n in colourful negati'es. Instead% *e got to see a *ea$ (uff of smo$e &eing fired at t em. I at a c i?. 8" con, as in t e 0oles*ort &oo$s% &y Iillans and Searle9. Inde(endence #ay it *asn5t. -ut at least t ey $ne* * o t e real enemy *as% unli$e t at dum&s it gung o gar&age 7 t oug t e action scenes *ere fantastic% 'irtually addicti'e. / e #ale$s are o&'iously a meta( or for t e <a?is, / ey5re t e <a?is. I felt 'ery (leased *it myself many many years ago * en I t*igged t is 7 caug t on. 2or a moment I t oug t it mig t not &e true, t at it could &e seen as some $ind of exaggerated connection on my (art+ reac ing 7 * ic demonstrates 6ust o* relati'e it all is. I ad muc t e same or am&i'alence o'er t e years * en reading Ic$e. -ut I $e(t an o(en mind% alert% to see it confirmed in ot er credi&le sources too% as time *ent on. / e same *ill go for t is =gs5L, co'ert tortureL5slo* $ill5 situation t at most (eo(le find too far+fetc ed, t is * ile / ey endea'our to recruit and in'ol'e t e ma6ority of t e (o(ulation if t ey can. I5'e forgotten to feed t e &irds. " green car (ar$ed to t e side of t e corner no*% directly in my line of sig t, al*ays *it t e anc oring. /ry and tell most (eo(le t is and it *ould &e E*tfGF or *ords to t at effect. -ut not al*ays. -efore t e (enny dro((ed a&out t e t+s irt &lo$e 7 o I $no* * at I5ll do+ I5ll &uy one. Het t em figure t at one out. / ey *ill

4>N

* en t ey read t is. It means more s(ending, t at means less money left, t at means going t5 0ound to drum some u( if I can, I5d forgotten all a&out t e 0ound% a'ing decided to *rite most of t e day * ile *atc ing films. / e *eat er is excellent, I *asn5t t in$ing. -ut it5s almost 3 no*% so fuc$ it. / at and t at t e &lo$e * o5s s(ace I5m s aring is (ro'ing to &e a &it of a t*er(. Ce sees all t is stuff going on, &ut *it our differences of o(inion in our (erce(tions of =life5 in any case% it (lays a'oc *it is ego, it5s acting u(% coming out *it all manner of -S% (ut+do*ns% &ody &ody &ody as is indi'iduality feels increasingly t reatened &y t e (ossi&ility of di'ine a&straction% of true $no*ledge% t e contrast *it in yer face fascism% t e intentionally o'er* elming (resence of &odies and t eir *orld% too muc for imLit may&e. "in5t it al*ays t e *ay. I can ardly &lame im I su((ose. -ut e really does tal$ a lot of cra( sometimes% is ead full of (latitudes% t e learning of t e *orld. I en e5s intentionally ta$ing t e (iss% is rude% I5m &lunt. Ce as no a*areness of =real5 (olitics% t e urgency% t e direness of t e situation, t at *e5re li'ing% existing in a (olice state, t at it5s almost ere. "lmostG Ce says outrig t silly t ings+ t at t e go'ernment is good% t at it loo$s out for us. It5s (ossi&le e as in mind t at it5s t e city council t at ga'e im is licence. "s an immigrant of sorts% e feels grateful. 2or t e !ouncil% it5s 6ust anot er cas co*, t ey c arge an inordinate amount no* com(ared to years &ac$. !om(are it to inflation% it5s a 6o$e. Hicences *ent u( from under V10 to V1000 or o'er. I eard% years &ac$% t ey c arged V>0 for (eo(le 6ust to a((ly, t e fee *as non+ refunda&le. I sincerely o(e t at *as ne'er true. / ey *ere or are ri((ing (eo(le off for mandatory roof re(airs. Some council mem&ers mig t &e (rosecuted. !orru(tion is rife% endemic. -an$s are suc$ing (eo(le dry t roug interest% a'ing misled t em *it t eir (olicies. / ey5re =all5 (arasites% (utting t emsel'es in (ositions to do 6ust t at, suc$ (eo(le dry. 2inancial and emotional 'am(ires. / e *orld is run &y (syc o(at s% 6ust as Hennon said% and as t e Signs of t e /imes5 *e&site and HJA) em( asise. / e green car5s gone. " solitary (igeon *as t ere% loo$ing tentati'ely at me. 0ost of t e &irds are less a((re ensi'e of me

4B0

no*. I t in$ I scared it off% ma$ing sounds in t e &at room. <ot t ose sounds, a &oo$ sli((ed off t e *indo* s elf &e ind me. I *as using it to (ro( u( t e cur'ed out of s a(e (ainting leaning against it. I5'e s ut t e $itc en *indo*% (ut t e usual (ainting against it. I5d li$e t e smaller &irds to s o* u( again. Hater: It5s later. I felt 'ery dro*sy% s ort of slee(% so I sle(t. I t oug t I *as fine% drifting off for ten minutes to / e -oo$ Programme on Radio 4% and to my c agrin% missing t e section on someone * o5d set u( an e+(u&lis ing &usiness% and t en slee(ing on for anot er t*o ours% only% t e last alf+ our *as (ure o&stinacy as I *allo*ed in semi+consciousness% missing t e &eginning of . ost&usters 11. 3&'iously I5d decided it *as no great loss% &ut I5m sure it5s fun, I5'e long forgotten. E#oes anyone remem&er laug terGF Ro&ert Plant once as$ed in a i((yis sort of *ay% in t e film / e Song Remains t e Same. / at5s not * at I meant. I *atc ed former 0onty Pyt on stal*art% 0ic ael Palin on is tri( t roug India, a 'ery amia&le fello* as *e all $no*% e rarely offends anyone, e5s al*ays in a good umour% or $no*s to $ee( to imself * en e isn5t. / e (astimes and 'ocations of most Indians are (retty &oring &ut is commentary is as engaging% amusing as al*ays. I at5s to say a&out itG It5s interesting to see t e scenery% t e train e tra'elled on% &uilt in England in 1N1B. !learly e5s not a man * o5s learned t ere is no* ere to go% in t at t ere5s no need to go any* ere, t at all t e roads of t e *orld% as / e !ourse says% lead to deat . 3ne as to &ecome a*are of t e real *orld in t e mind% t e forgi'en *orld% t e reflection of ea'en% not a mere (ro6ection as t e *orld *e ex(erience or seem to ex(erience it% is. Easier said t an done. -ut Palin is surely one of t e &est exam(les of tolerance and (atience. If e'eryone *ere li$e im% at least in attitude% t e *orld *ould &e an immeasura&ly (leasant% nicer (lace. I ate a tin of corned &eef as t roug it. I5m out of &read% rolls 8If it *eren5t for t at% I5d (ro&a&ly a'e (aid little attention to t e (rogramme9. It *asn5t &ad% goes ;uite far. I5m not sure

4B1

* at corned &eef is com(osed of exactly &ut I5'e al*ays li$ed it. 3n t e la&el *as a ser'ing suggestion, a (late of t e as accom(anied &y a fried egg. Cu G "t least it didn5t a'e 6ust a (late of as . "ny oo% &efore t e (enny dro((ed a&out t e t+s irt &lo$e% * en I *as sitting on t e &enc in t e s o((ing mall 7 t at *asn5t literally * en it came to me 7 t en left * en t e rain sto((ed% eyes (eeled for orses it% to cross t e road outside% noticing a dar$+s$inned &lo$e to t e left at t e &i$e+rac$ some yards a*ay% forgetting a&out im * en on t e ot er side and *al$ing do*n to t e o(ening of t e &us station $no*ing traffic *ill a((ear% t en deciding on a coffee+ I5d 6ust (assed t e s(acious cafe on t e corner% t oug t to myself I5'e not ing to read% t en remem&ered I &oug t a &oo$ a&out 2ace&oo$% a istory% from / e Pound S o(. I5d seen it in / e Ior$s 8formerly -argain -oo$s9 in Princes Street% forgotten to &uy it. I al*ays need somet ing to read. I en inside t e cafe% I sa* t ey ad a ne*s(a(er% &ut t at *ould &e anot er V1.>0. It *as ;uiet. Some young foreigners% all girls came in later% ;uite sexy% and sat o((osite me, I5d assumed t ey5d sit some* ere else. "s t ey *ere on ig seats and ta&le% one *it tig ts and ot (ants styli% it *as a &it distracting. In retros(ect% I realised it can loo$ as if t at5s * ere I c ose to sit after t ey arri'ed. I recall *al$ing u( t e street% many years ago% 6ust t e ot er side of t e t oroug fare in fact% and some &int in ultra+sexy% re'ealing ot+(ants of sorts or somet ing% *al$ed in front of me% t en I noticed anot er &int at t e side% loo$ing at me $no*ingly% or so it seemed to me, so 'ery li$ely it *as 6ust as I inter(reted it. I ic isn5t to say it5s ne'er a((ened intentionally 7 * o doesn5t loo$G It5s t e (resum(tion% t e rus to 6udgement% t e = olier t an t ou5 orses it. I5m getting to t e (er a(s innocuous little incident I ad in mind. "fter t ey5d left% as ad ot ers% and it *as time to go to t e loo &efore I left too% a young &lo$e &e ind t e counter% affa&le 7 t oug I5d &een ser'ed &y an Iris girl+*oman% told me t ey *ere closed rig t no*% &ut someone *as using t e ot er one 6ust no*. I ate'er t at meant. Ce meant t e toilet for t e disa&led 8Imagine if t at *as

4B2

intentionalG / ere a'e &een disa&led (eo(le all o'er t e (lace again9. / e ot ers *ere &loc$ed off *it small cones% traffic styli. Just as I ad got u( again% a tall &lo$e *as t ere% rig t &e ind me% a'ing 6ust *al$ed in. Ce loo$ed 'aguely familiar% t oug I still can5t (lace im. <oticing t e cones% e sto((ed% and t en *as t ere to t e side of me and slig tly in front% loo$ing u(stairs% for anot er loo (er a(s. Ias e cutting me off% 6ust as I ad got u(G It loo$s li$e it. Ce *as t ere rig t &e ind me% intimidating% &ut too late as I o(ened t e door for t e disa&led toilet% ste((ed inside. I o does t atG 2or a moment I t oug e mig t &e des(erate to use it% almost offered im to go first% c anged my mind% feeling uncertain of t e situation% intuiti'ely sus(icious. 3r again% it5s 6ust a matter of t e timing. I only needed to (ee. Ce *as t ere * en I came out% ta$ing old of t e door as it o(ened. I5d 'irtually forgotten a&out im. -ut again% it only san$ in later t is could &e some staged *eirdness% idiotic o&struction. It5s also t e fact e loo$ed at me% too intently% li$e t ey a'e you in t eir sites. / ere5s a su&tlety ostile 'i&e 7 * en t ere isn5t an o'ertly ostile 'i&e% as if you5re res(onsi&le for all t e *rongs in t eir *orld% t e un a((iness and dissatisfaction of t eir li'es. It5s all so inordinately personal for t em. Pro6ection. 3 % and t e &i$e &lo$e ad come do*n t e road earlier% * en I5d turned &ac$% decided on a'ing a coffee% Ce *as Indian I5m assuming% loo$ed on at me side*ays as I loo$ed% so I grinned *idely. Ce *as aiming to &e t ere as I *as at t e traffic lig ts &y t e &us station slig tly furt er do*n, t at *as t e idea. It ne'er ends *it t ese clo*ns, * ate'er nationality% * ate'er =religious5 or ( iloso( ical (ersuasion% * ate'er age% * ate'er sex. Ie5re all susce(ti&le to (ro6ection, / e ego gets e'ery&ody% as )en Ia(nic$ said. I (issed around *it t e front door a &it again today% or more accurately% t e stal$ing minions, turning t e ta&les on t e cra?yma$ers% get t em to scurry around again% doing% doing% doing. It5s all t ey do. " car or cars al*ays a((ears. It5s t e *ay t ey come in% or most of t em, t e *ay t ey slin$ in slo*ly oftentimes, (ro*ling s(eed. I can almost (icture t e occu(ants% scouring t e street% loo$ing% loo$ing% (erennially ood*in$ed &y

4B3

t eir o*n ego laug ing at t em. I do it again sometime after% imagining I finally a'e a 'idcam, it5s t e first of t e &ig moments. I go to t e &at room *indo*% loo$ around outside% see not ing% t en% a mo'ement, someone as come around t e corner% a &lo$e, e *al$s &y t e flat% stays on t e ot er side. Ce5s *earing a to( *it t e ood do*n. " = oodie5. I a'e one too, it5s * ite. I *as t in$ing of *riting a message on it. I did t at *it my &lue He'is 6um(er. Hast nig t% same t ing again. #id I already say so% I5'e forgottenG It all &lurs into eac ot er it5s so re(etitious. <o% it5s t at I t oug t a&out it% *rote somet ing else instead. " young &lo$e *al$s &y% loo$s u( * en I clatter my lig t green tam&ourine% $ee(s going till e5s out of sig t 7 not in t e =cool5 sense 7 t en is &ac$ again% t is time on t e road% going &ac$ t e *ay e came, e didn5t *ant to *al$ all t e *ay u( t e street for not ing, ma$ing it self+e'ident is sole (ur(ose *as to *al$ &y% t in$ing I *as coming out of t e flat% may&e catc me t e ot er *ay, t e endless (etty one+u(mans i(. S ortly after% I do it again% anot er young &lo$e% smo$ing a fagarette, smo$ing is common among t e =gs5 minions I5'e noticed, t ey en6oy t eir 'ices% addictions. Ce does t e same. / is time% * en e comes &y again% close% on t e (a'ement% I say EI t in$ e *ent t at *ay% mate%F (ointing t e *ay e came. EI o didGF I close t e *indo*. I could5'e said E/ e &lo$e t at *as 6ust ere%F &ut it didn5t occur to me. I could a'e said% EI oe'er it is you5re loo$ing for%F &ut t e interactions are all 'ariations on tedium% (redicta&ility% re(etition 8EI atGF 0oc$+ (u??led ex(ression9. / ey try and carry on t e gaslig ting e'en * en you ma$e it clear you $no* t e score% some of t em are so *itless% and o*e'er *ittily you mig t (ut it. / e rest 6ust en6oy t e moment of $no*ing t ey5'e emotionally im(acted t e target% or so t ey lo'e to &elie'e% as narcissists and (syc o(at s do. I *as t in$ing I mig t c ange my (olicy, t at if dic$s on &i$es are so o&tuse as to come &y me and so slo* as to let me (us t em a*ay% or are slo*er t an my reflex to% t en s o'e t em I *ill, I could a'e done t at so many times. 3nce * en an im(ostor in a co( suit a((eared seconds after% t is 6ust after I5d &een c arged for ( otogra( ing% t oug t ey ne'er said * at for. Ca'ing

4B4

loo$ed u( t e definition of -reac of t e Peace% * ic seems (retty ne&ulous% o(en to inter(retation% I gat er it5s for t e intention to cause fear and alarm. .ood one. Iell% in an u(side+ do*n% insane *orld% * at t e ell do I ex(ectG It *as o&'ious% or &ecame so% t at t e intention *as to (ro'o$e a reaction in t e interim, t e arassment *as ;uite a&surd on t e day of decision% all t ose t*on$s ma$ing a &usy &eeline to t e close ere 8* ic is ironic% * en it5s called trial di'ersion and / eir di'ersionary goal is anyt ing &ut% as is t e traffic% =di'erted5 to go t roug t is road and ot ers, e'ery time I go out% no matter * at time% -roug ton Road transforms into rus our. / e social *or$er ad told me * at day t e P2 *ould &e discussing it. / e minions% (ossi&ly e'en t e andlers and t e rest% *ouldn5t $no* I $ne*. <o* t ey seem all t e more determined. / ey may &e e'en more frustrated and determined * en t is lot goes online% ex(osing t is murderous system in a credi&le if non+linear *ay. Peo(le and e'ents are often su&ordinate to my trains of t oug t% ideas% connecting e'ents% t emes% (ic$ing u( on (atterns. / e (attern is it5s a form of re(etition com(ulsion, t ey5re (eo(le * o ne'er de'elo(ed emotionally &eyond a certain (oint, t ey5'e retained t e c ildis ness of adolescence and earlier. I *ould really &e in t*o minds em&racing anyt ing t at $ids mig t, I5d ;uestion my emotional maturity% if not my sanity. .ro*n men in 6ac$ets riding t eir &i$e on t e (a'ement. 3ne *as *earing an "ndy !a((. -ut may&e t at5s t e idea, t at5s t e connotation% t e suggestion. " cou(le of tall co(s came to t e door &efore% late at nig t 7 t ey5d eard me = oo'ering5% t e tall one said. -ut I *as 'acuuming &ecause t e landlord *ould &e u( t e follo*ing day. /y(ically% I5d left it late. It still ad to &e done, I5d li$ely slee( in% in t e morning. Someone ad &een seen *it a &i$e in a 'ery du&ious context... matc ing my descri(tionG / ey didn5t seem to &e ;uite sure% for t ey $noc$ed on my neig &our5s door too% as$ed a&out im% if e5s in. I said e (ro&a&ly is% &ut *ears ear( ones% &ut $ne* e didn5t ans*er t e door if e isn5t ex(ecting anyone% and e ne'er is at 11(m or so. <eit er do I% &ut I *as 'acuuming t e car(et at t e &ottom of t e front door at t e time% so I could

4B>

ardly (retend I *asn5t in. It5s all set u( to ma$e you loo$ guilty * ate'er you do, damned if you% damned if you don5t. / ey some o* =$ne*5 t e (erson t ey *ere loo$ing for *as ere% eit er one or t e ot er% an o&'ious lie% a ruse, t e o&6ecti'e is negati'e suggestion. / ey must a'e t oug t I *as getting out% =moonlig ting5% t e (resum(tuous t*ats, reacting to t eir o*n inter(retations% (o$ing t eir nose in% concocting t eir needless *e& of cra(. "s I5'e said% I can see * y targets *on5t discuss it. It5s all suggestion% guilt &y insinuation% * ic e'er *ay you try and ex(lain it% extricate yourself, t e (ro'er&ial 'irtual cons(iracy tra(. / e *orld is a cosmic tra( of t e ego% 6ust as Ia(nic$ as said% and t e =do+gooders5 in suits are rig t t ere on t e front line% (eddling t eir narcissistic orses it% &e a'ing li$e t e socio(at s t ey5re su((osed to &e a((re ending. If I ad &een lea'ing% t ey set it u( to ma$e it as loo$ li$e you5'e left under t e (ro'er&ial cloud of sus(icion. "s !arey *rote% in / e / ird 0illennium% t e end 6ustifies t e means only in t e logic of deceit. I5m sure t ey see it as 6ustified% in a 0inority Re(ort% =(re+crime5 sense% stemming from one congenital narcissist to t e next, it5s * at t ey do, it5s all uns(o$en collusion. / ey5re t e im(ostors in (lain sig t% as are t eir self+rig teous minions% terrorising (eo(le in t e name of =t e *ar on terror5. It5s al*ays &een t e case. / e terminally dissociated are t e cra?y (eo(le% t e incorrigi&le sc emers% al*ays res(onding to t eir o*n inter(retations% t eir o*n set+u(s. Dou5re 6ust t e middle+man% t e (atsy, t ey exist in a dream *orld all of t eir o*n. I o *ants to &elie'e one is t e $ing% t e ruler of an imaginary $ingdom% an illusory *orld &ased on t e &elief in 'engeance and t e murder of .odG I o5s t e destructi'e% delusionary one% exactlyG Co* *ill organised sadism el( anyone or anyt ing in t e long runG / ey *ill and do (ractice t e same sadism% t e same indirect aggression on t eir $ids. I5'e read / eir diaries% t e glaring disconnect% t e dissociation% &et*een * at t ey *rite% o* t ey (ortray t emsel'es% in'aria&ly as innocent 'ictims% * ile ta$ing no credit% not e'en mentioning t e c ronic snea$y aggression t ey (ractice in t eir e'eryday li'es% t at only t eir c ildren% t eir

4BB

=insignificant5 ot ers 8com(ared to t e narcissists t emsel'es9 and ot ers unluc$y enoug to come *it in t eir deadly or&it * o mig t &e% relati'ely (o*erless &y com(arison, associates% friends% &oardersLlodgers etc. I at &ecomes a((arent no*% is t at t ey decided to stir t ings u(% (ounced on t eir moment. I *as al*ays a*are of t is (ossi&ility. It ad &een ;uiet for a * ile &efore t is% for mont s. / ey get resti'e% aggressi'e% * en it loo$s li$e I mig t actually &e a'ing fun% e'en li'ing% t e (ossi&ility of meeting friends% associates% or ma$ing friends% suc as tri(s to t e -oo$ 2esti'al during t e Edin&urg 2esti'al (ro(er. / at *as * en t e earliest &i$es a((eared% t ere at t e lig ts% corners. Dou soon (ic$ u( on it, you5re su((osed to. / at someone mig t not &e a((y it ad &een relati'ely ;uiet for me for a * ile% crossed my mind, t at all it *ould ta$e is somet ing to set it off% a sim(le (retext% a straig t lie% to get t e &all rolling again% as strategically timed as t e anc oring on t e streets% a 'ariation on t e same t eme as al*ays+ guilt &y association, anyt ing t at mig t get t e rest suc$ed in again% as if t ey e'er need any real encouragement.

I5m alf *atc ing 2ore'er Doung: Co* Roc$ gre* 1(% on --! 2our. It5s not &ad, t ey remar$ on t e disconnect or incongruity &et*een (erformers in t eir sixties suc as Jagger singing a&out t e same teenage (reoccu(ations as eLt ey did in t eir early years. / e fol$ singer Ric ard / om(son is saying songs s ould reflect t e age and (reoccu(ations of t e *riter and (erformer, so e *rites a&out deat % losing friends. Co* a&out

4BK

young -o*ie% mid+t*enties% *riting a&out time as a tric$% on you and meG "ny*ay% / e Strolling -ones a'e *ritten a&out lots of ot er t ings. I5d touc ed on t is &efore% meant to say more. / e e;uation in my mind% *it my relati'e regret in not a'ing (ursued a career in roc$ music: Just o* mature and considered could &e a 'ocation% a career c oice &ased on * at you $no* in your teens &eG / is is and *as ty(ical of me, al*ays o'er t in$ing t ings. / e fact is% you $no* * at you li$e% * at you5re dra*n to*ards. Dou don5t a'e to t in$ a&out it% you 6ust are. I *ell recall a s ort cli( of -6or$ on a /4 s o* as a little girl% and s e *as as$ed * at s e *anted to &e * en s e gre* u(: " singer% s e said. " more 'alid ;uestion% for me at least% mig t &e: I at is it I *ould (refer doing o'erallG I ic is 6ust ant er *ay of as$ing * at is it t at5s *ort (ursuing o'erallG 2or many (eo(le% it5s (eo(le% lol. <o greater excitement and (leasure t an unting umans. I t in$ *e a'e to dis(ense *it t e imaginary demarcations &et*een * at ma$es u( t e emotional ma$e+u( of a serial $iller and yer a'erage citi?en, &ut I digress. It5s not so easy * en you a'e a (redilection for different t ings as *ell as actual talent. I t re* it a*ay for t e most (art. I *asn5t self+centred enoug % rut less enoug e'en% (utting talent and am&ition first. I al*ays made excuses for t e controllers% t e mani(ulators% t e &loodsuc$ers% and t e emotional 'am(ires. It ga'e me an excuse 6ust to read% to $ee( a certain distance from t e *orld% to ne'er truly t ro* myself into t e fray% so to say. / e ans*er *as to sim(lify my life% focus mainly on one t ing at a time. I could5'e read% studied in t e interims. / e situation *as designed to ma$e it difficult to lea'e% certainly *it out a guilty conscience, same old same old. / ere *as an irresol'a&le dilemma, t at5s o* I came to t in$ on it. I couldn5t ;uite dum( t e Prime <arcissist and er &rood. I felt I5d &e deserting t em. 3r% I already $ne* I *as% to all intents and (ur(oses% an emotional &uffer &et*een t em. / at *it me out of t e (icture t ere *ould &e not ing to sto( er from unleas ing er (at ology on t em% using er (osition as t e adult guardian% t e caring% res(onsi&le ot er to disguise er true c aracter. / at5s almost exactly * at trans(ired. I $ne* t is &y t e time I *as 23% a year

4BM

after I relocated ere and mo'ed in at er re;uest. -ut I could ne'er ;uite (ut my finger on it% articulate it. It *as .old&erg5s !reati'e "ggression t at o(ened my eyes as I5'e said% t oug it *as is / e <EI 0ale+2emale Relations i( t e year &efore% * ic s(elled t e &eginning of t e end for it. E'en !olin Iilson and is syno(ses of 0aslo*% and 0aslo* imself on self+ actualisers and% t e (ro&lems% t e &inds t eir (ersonalities can ma$e t em susce(ti&le to ne'er ;uite did it for me. I *as &eing conned% tric$ed% intentionally =*ound u(5, t at *as all I needed to $no*, or t e gist of it. / at5s almost all I need to $no* no*, t at certain ot ers a'e a different *ay of &eing in t e *orld and t at it5s 'irtually endemic. / ey5re mainly t e cause of t e (ro&lems t ey claim to &e sol'ing. / e reality is t ey5re stri'ing to (er(etuate t em% &ut again% t at5s t roug self+dece(tion dissociation% (ro6ection. It5s a 'icious circle, literally. / ere5s not ing to do &ut *rite% inform% researc % sur'i'e% flouris e'en. / e narcissists from my mot er on*ards al*ays ated my *riting% * at I *rote, t ey couldn5t $ee( t eir ands off it * ile in t e (rocess of ridiculing it% &eing = urt5 &y it% as y(ersensiti'e to criticism as t ey are snea$y aggressors, o'ert aggressors in my mot er5s case. I5'e al*ays felt it =solidified5 an as(ect of t e ego in me% and t at *as difficult to s a$e off% dissociate myself from, t at it *asn5t until my t irties and study of "!I0% t at I &egan to feel more =myself5% t at muc of t e (ast *as a $ind of fog% a confused dream muc of t e time. In retros(ect% I5d a'e &een more self+interested. Dou don5t get credit for *asting your time if not a good (art of your life o'er self+ ating narcissists. E'eryt ing t ey &elie'e a&out t emsel'es% t ey5ll accuse you and ot ers of, it5s t eir s(eciality. / ey destroy e'eryt ing t ey touc % or attem(t to. / ey5re t e consummate actors% t e terminal y(ocrites. / ey s(ell deat and o&li'ion, t eir relations i(s go no* ere% &ased on unconscious anger% t e (ro6ection of guilt as t ey are, t ey don5t a'e a clue. It could &e *orse I su((ose, I could &e a mem&er of "n'il% t e !anadian metal &and. / ey5re all rig t, t ere5s a lot of emotions running ig , it all gets 'ery fraug t, t e documentary on --! 2our. / e singer *as at is sister5s in !anada, s e stays at

4BN

num&er 23M. I a'en5t ad anot er meal yetO It5s &een ours% * ic is great. I did a'e a (ac$et of instant ca((uccino and some c oco digesti'es earlier. I feel some* at relaxed $no*ing I can eat at any time. I5d told myself I5d lea'e it as long as I can% li$e last time if not ;uite. I ad it in mind to descri&e more of t e (ast t*o days% if I can &e arsed% inters(ersed *it ot er% related t emes. I5m getting too tired no*% slee(y. "nd feeling =&e ind sc edule5 for a'ing a * ole day to *rite. It5s &een less frenetic. -ut t ere a'e &een ot er% minor de'elo(ments% c oices on my (art. I may as *ell descri&e some of t em% s(eculate on t em, it5s all selecti'e, t ere5s only so muc I can $ee( u( *it . I *as t in$ing t at% at t e rate I5m going% not literally% &ut t e *ay t is is unfolding% I mig t &e around 1000 (ages in &y t e time I5'e e'en remotely co'ered it% let alone let it s a(e itself into some $ind of resolution in semi+linear% literary terms. / e real (rogress% t e real e'ents are mental after all% no (un intended, it5s in t e mind and of t e mind. E'eryt ing else is... a learning ex(erience. Hife is eternal.

Monday2 'uly I5ll *atc some of t e ! annel 4 ne*s% c ec$ out t e confusing carnage in Syria% and (ro&a&ly ignore most of t e 3lym(ics. I *atc ed / e Sim(sons again: "fter t e (olice are una&le to co(e *it rioting% Comer forms a community (olice force: E2inally. " *ay to com&ine my lo'e of el(ing (eo(le *it my lo'e of urting (eo(le.F I ga'e t e front door a little teasing o(en and close, it sounds li$e I5m trying to sli( out ;uietly% or so I5m assuming, t ey *ill% and did. " 6ogger came &y% on t e o((osite side, I *as ready *it my tam&ourine% *aiting until e *as directly o((osite t en (assed a fe* yards% a'ing decided it5s &etter a mite after% t an 6ust &efore% t oug I &rea$ t at =rule5 all t e time. It de(ends. 0ostly it5s a case of self+control% restraining myself. I5d (refer to &ounce it off t eir ead. / ey5d (refer to 6ust to $ill targets, t at5s * at I read on t e net% mont s and mont s

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&ac$% t oug t at5s glaringly o&'ious to anyone * o $no*s t e moti'ation &e ind indirect aggression 7 not forgetting it5s a form of dis(lacement for t e =real5% if unconscious o&6ecti'e, t e murder of .od and t emsel'es. / ey5d laug at t at of course% or say it5s 6ust an as(ect of or e'en (roof of my mental a&errations% &lissfully una*are and unconcerned t at it5s t eir mindset t at is seen as insane &y many% a com&ination of arrogance and ignorance, t at a t oug t+system suc as t e !ourse may ta$e anot er 20% 30% >0 years to ma$e any real &rea$t roug to t e (le&eian masses still. I say t at in a non+elitist sense, it5s more a comment on t eir conceited cle'erness. -efore t e 6ogger% t ere *as t e neig &our * o5d made an a((earance t*ice yesterday, someone in is t irties% dar$ air% t e (ro'er&ial =straig t5. / e first time% e sim(ly *ent out% t en% t e second time% e came &ac$% t is in time *it * en I5d &e ex(ected to &e on t e stairs% *al$ing out t e close etc. In s ort% e5d come out and in rig t &e ind me. Same again t is afternoon, t e slig test o(ening% and s ortly after% seconds% a taxi ?i(s in and e5s t ere% coming do*n t e stairs for it, o&'iously% as it *as e * o got in. / ere *as a taxi across t e street too% a middle+aged *oman *aiting% alf+*atc ing me *atc ing from t e &at room *indo*, a dou&le+* ammy. It5s (ossi&le it *as coincidence% or one of t em *as, &ot are more unli$ely. "lso more effecti'e% or it mig t &e if I *as an5idiot5L* olly inex(erienced. -efore t at% after I5d (erformed my a&lutions after getting u(% *i(ed my arse *it a fe* sections of / e <ational En;uirer+ I5m out of loo roll% I ga'e t e door a good solid o(en and close, a decisi'e =I5m definitely going out5 slam. Suddenly t is relati'ely ;uiet streetLroad transforms into Piccadilly !ircus 7 again, t ey5re falling o'er eac ot er to get ere. I *atc ed from t e &edroom *indo* t is time% t e ga( in t e curtains. If I5m not at t e *indo*% t ere5s more c ance t ey5ll assume I5'e definitely left t is time, I can5t &e in t*o (laces at once. / ey can. It5s t eir s(eciality. 8<oa fence. .ood one. I5m listening to 0ar$ Riley. I ere do t ey get t ose namesG as Jo n Peel used to say9. I see t ere5s a -/ 'an t ere% t e dri'er5s &ac$ again% (rom(t% tal$ing into a mo&ile. Ce gets in% as to *ait for t e flurry of cars% 'ans to

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(ass. /*o cars intersect in ;uic$ succession. #o I set off a c ain of e'ents all o'er to*n at t e turn of a $ey% so to sayG I certainly do for t e street in general 8and around t e corners too9, I can ear t e car and 'an doors slamming into (lace% as I say. Hi$e / under&irds% t e old marionettes5 series of t e Sixties% t ey5re all set% for t e set+u(s. Pu((ets on a string. " fe* ;uic$ *al$+&yes too% neatly timed as al*ays. 0ore im(ortantly% I5'e &een reading !I5s / e 0ind Parasites again. I say =again5 &ut I t in$ t e first and last time *as * en I *as 1N% &ac$ in 1NKM. Ce *as at t e -oo$ 2esti'al t at year% &ut I didn5t $no*. 3t er*ise it *ould5'e &een 6ust a matter of getting on t e train or &us and (aying for t e tic$et. I *as staying at a num&er of different (laces t at year t oug , t ings *ere a &it tur&ulent. I e'en did dum&s it t ings li$e get 6o&s * en t ere *as no (ressure to, I could as easily a'e focused on *riting% &ut my ead *as full of music, and *omen. !I (u&lis ed t e e(ic 0ysteries t at year% is se;uel of sorts to / e 3ccult% t oug I su((ose you could say t e true se;uel is -eyond / e 3ccult. It5s successor% t en. "ny*ay% I5ll come &ac$ to t e 0ind Parasites. I5d tem(orarily mislaid S)5s !ell% and ad &een &ro*sing 0P% so I &egan it in t e meantime. I at I really need to &e doing is getting &ac$ to /rue Em(at y in 2acim5s excer(ts series. I5d do*nloaded t e missing section 444II only to find it5s (artly o&scured &y com(uter code, &ut it5s still reada&le and I a'e t e rest of t e sections as (rintouts. 3nce again. I ga'e t em all to a !ourse student last time% o'er a decade ago. I forgot to mention t at * en t e 6ogger *ent &y and I s oo$ my tam&ourine and e turned is ead to loo$% e ga'e me t e =t um&s u(5. / is is actually more gaslig ting% not some $ind of ca(itulation or (ositi'e concession to o(e. It goes &ac$ to * en I did it *it t e =first5 taxi% sitting in t e car*as around t e corner% re''ing is engines and coming out after me% e *as so infuriated+ t oug it doesn5t ta$e muc % t e self+inflated% self+ im(ortant t*on$s. I5d smac$ one of t em if it *eren5t for t at I5m so 'alua&le. / ey mig t a'e no conce(tion of my true *ort or =e'en5 t eir o*n% &ut I do, I a'e to (ut myself first, my truer self, t at means not succum&ing to t e &aser emotions, it5s * at

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t ey *ant. I did go =too far5% &aiting t em in a sense% (laying rig t into t eir ands% t eir set+u(% or so t ey assumed. I5m not ;uite t at stu(id% I a'e my &ac$u(% my talent% my 'ocation% (rofessional or not. #ue to t eir arrogance% t eir u&ris% t ey ne'er too$ any of t is into account. 3ne+sidedness rarely does. 2or t em% in t eir sim(listic *ay% o*e'er cle'er% t e situation is o(en and closed. -ut I5'e ad (aintings% street scenes on t e net for years. 3r did. So 6ust * o =set u(5Lgaslig ted * o% exactlyG "s al*ays% it5s a matter of inter(retation. It5s t e same *it all t ese &i$es in my face, it 6ust mig t &e * at I *ant, t ey certainly aren5t going to gi'e u(% or sto( out of t e $indness of t eir earts. / e same goes for t e gaslig ting and con'oys e'ery time I o(en t e front door. It no* (lays rig t into my ands for t e most (art% exce(t t at t ere5s no end to t eir resources% t e fuc$*its% t e useful idiots. Rat er t en tone it do*n% gi'e u( e'en% t ey 6ust send ne* recruits% constant recruits, t oug t ere did seem to &e a lessening of it and t em earlier, &ut t e fact is t ere5s al*ays someone, al*ays. "gain% it mig t not matter to t em t at I $no*, t e idea is t at t e anc oring% t e sensitising *or$s in any case &ecause it affects t e target on an unconscious% su&liminal le'el. " case of ego identification. -ut * at if you can detac yourself from your ego to an extent% disassociate yourself from it% in t e (ositi'e sense% in *ays t at t ey don5t $no* a&outG -y identifying *it your ig er self% your real Self% or t e Coly S(irit% Jesus% you ! rist Self% * ate'er one c ooses to call it, t roug * ic you can &e al*ays a*are t at * at a((ens isn5t real% it5s only a screen+ t oug it5s im(ortant to &e careful% cautious% * en targeted &y fearful (eo(le. "s "!I0 says% fearful (eo(le can &e 'icious. I meant to say more a&out t e t um& t ing too. / at carried on as *ell% as e'eryt ing t ey can (ic$ u( on% mimic% tends to. Harge construction 'e icles (ositioned to re' * en I turn t e corner from /esco5s into -roug ton Street again% and t e &lo$e gi'es me t e t um&% &ut I gi'e im t e finger at t e same time% and one of is &uddies in insanity laug s% may&e as muc at my im(ertinent% unex(ected contrast% t en (us es a large ea'y roll of tar(aulin or somet ing to*ards me at t e same time as I (ass%

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&ut $no*ing t e $er& *ill sto( it. / e day &efore yesterday% (ro&a&ly ot er days too% (issed off at t ese loitering taxis% often at corners% I gi'e t em t e t um&% &ut too early and t ey res(ond% &y eit er assuming it5s a fair% or (retending I5m a fair% $no*ing I5'e no intention of ta$ing t eir taxi. / is% anot er form of gaslig ting on t eir (art% calling my &luffG It mig t seem unli$ely% far+fetc ed e'en% &ut I see t e same faces all t e time% after I &egan to ma$e t e a&it of loo$ing, same *it ot er cars. I ad one &lo$e grin =good+ umouredly5 at me on t e corner of !laremont St and anot er street% t en loo$ed to see t e same &lo$e u(to*n% at lane as I got t ere% 6ust &efore t e Jo&&y !entre and -urger )ings off (rinces Street. Ce really didn5t ex(ect me to loo$ at t e dri'er of t e car t ere on t e corner again, im. / is is t e t ing, none of t is is as common as one mig t ex(ect, not &y a long s ot. -ecause t ey often *ant it as (recise as (ossi&le% t ey a'e to ma$e t e effort to &e rig t t ere, t ey a'e to do it t emsel'es. )no*ing t is% one sees t e same faces ;uite regularly. Ce didn5t loo$ ;uite so self+satisfied t e second time. It5s as I said &efore, I en t ey lost trac$ of me * en I 'isited my social *or$er (al% t ere *ere ?ilc &i$es on corners% * et er t ere to cut me offL(ass% or t ere at t e lig ts, (retty muc t e same as it is for most (eo(le. -i$es are around of course, t ey 6ust aren5t as regular or (redicta&le, none of t em are. !ertainly not t e ot er (ri'ate ca&s% t e ones you a'e to order in ad'ance, t ey don5t sto( at random, t ey5re almost al*ays t ere on 6unctions% intersections no*% as regular as cloc$*or$, it5s &latantly o&'ious it5s t eir designated or c osen arassment (rocedure, t eir stal$ing (rotocol if you li$e. / is stemmed from me t um&ing one of t em too% (ic$ing u( on t at t ey *ere t ere to... &e t ere% t is in Rodney St% &y t e c i(s o(. "ll of * ic *ould ma$e it a &ree?e to film% or it *ould if it *eren5t for t at * en t ey see t e camera% more s(ecifically% t e 'idcam% mig t c ange t eir tactics% at least until t e stal$ers in uniform come &y to (ut a sto( to it% at t eir instigation. <ot only t at% &ut t e (ro&lem *it a mere camera is t at it as no o&'ious continuity% t oug t ere is t e time and date I su((ose. I could 6ust &e standing t ere% *aiting till t ey come along% say it5s

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intentional, t ey $no* t is, t at5s * y t ey see t emsel'es as untouc a&le% 'irtually omni(otent% not least &ecause it5s go'ernment sanctioned too, * o and * at else can (ossi&ly &e &igger t an go'ernmentG " 'idcam is &etter, t ere5s context. Peo(le are using t em all t e time% (osting film on you tu&e. -ut its mostly fragmented% s orter films 7 t oug not al*ays. I5m (ro&a&ly *ay &e ind &y no* as to * at5s out t ere. I s(ent far too muc time *atc ing music 'ids% sending t em to t e !omedian% ot ers. I *as listening to t e galactics% t e s(ace &rot ers as *ell% &efore I lost my =fait 5. "nd 2acim5s 'ids% Ia(nic$% ot er (syc ologists etc. "s one does. / e ideal of sorts *ould &e to film an afternoon or t ree. If I did it in real tine it *ould ta$e *ee$s% mont s to *atc % and * o as t at amount of film% t e time% or t e freedom to do t atG / ey5re already ma$ing it (art of legislation to sto( (eo(le filming% if / ey a'en5t already. / ere5s no la* against filming, I5'e read u( on it on t e net% coming across most of t e articles and sites accidentally, t e (olice *ould tell you ot er*ise% t reatening to arrest and arresting (eo(le% e'en if it is often for filming t e (olice t emsel'es% in t e (rocess of ma$ing arrests 8or arassing (eo(le% o'erreacting etc.9. /ourists are filming all o'er t e city and cities all t e time, t oug I5m sure t e P/- and t e rest *ill &e t e first to (oint out you5re not a tourist% let a lone a =(rofessional5. !an5t I 6ust &e a local amateur% considering t at5s t e caseG / e cyclists% &i$ers and (ossi&ly t e rest did sto( recently% if only for a 'ery s ort interim% as I say% * en I5d met "lan at t e li&rary and after *e5d gone for a coffee across t e road% at t e <ational Hi&rary. "s it a((ened% e *as ;uite tal$ati'e and engagingly so% so I didn5t &ot er raising t e su&6ect u(% exce(t in (assing (er a(s, *e5d *ent for a coffee in to*n &efore% in a (u& in Rose Street. I t in$ I get it no*, e% "lan% *as t ere and sa* it &efore, &ut t is time it *as during t e interim * en t e P/- ad still to decide * et er t ey *ould go a ead *it (rosecution or% it *as e'en *ell &efore t at, it5s (ossi&le I adn5t e'en &een to t e =trial di'ersion5 meeting yet, I5d a'e to c ec$ dates, I tend to &e too la?y for t at, my mind congeals *it &oredom o'er t e t oug t.

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I ate'er t e case% t ey *eren5t ta$ing any c ances% it seemed, t ey 'anis ed% if tem(orarily% * ile e *as around. / ere *as no sig t of t em * en *al$ing *it im do*n to t e 0ound 7 * ic only &egs t e ;uestion as to * y t ey ad no suc com(unction o'er t e (resence of 2% t e Romanian. It5s (ossi&le it *as &ecause e5s foreign, e *on5t a'e t e same credi&ility or =say5. I5m not sure. " is connected *it "!E t oug % an inde(endent% (olitically =a*are5 collecti'e. I5m really not sure at all * at t e difference is, I o(e it comes to me, t e insig t% or not% if it doesn5t matter. -ut it does demonstrate o* met odical it is% t e face t ey (resent. / e co(sters are still around% often timing it to &e t ere on intersections% corners too. / ey *ere t ere in 4ictoria Street t e ot er day% timing t eir sto((ing% (ar$ing% to &e getting out t e 'an 6ust as I *al$ do*n and &y, it5s a stee( street% around t e corner from t e li&rary on .eorge I4 -ridge. I antici(ated it &y sto((ing% resting my (ortfolio on t e (a'ement and turning a (ainting o'er% St .iles% so it faced out*ards, t e (ortfolio is made of trans(arent (lastic, I adn5t used it for years, I $e(t some (aintings in it. So yes% t e co(s% t e gs co(s% em&race t is false god% t is 'irtual religion of artificial sync ronicity too% li$e t e fools t ey are% as did t e smartarse detecti'es * o turned u( at my door again% &efore. I did feel a &it guilty * en I ga'e a cou(le of taxis t e t um&% t en *ent &y, one on$ed in irritation. 3r fury. / e fury frea$ &rot ers. I felt less guilty gi'ing one of t e ot er (ri'ate car+ty(e ca&s t e finger, e on$ed. / ose fuc$*its are al*ays t ere% * et er on t e corners or at traffic lig ts. Des% sometimes it *ill &e c ance% I $no*, so do t ey. I5d gone u(to*n. I ad to get t roug t e o&stacles laid &efore me first t oug % t en e'ery ste( of t e *ay later and &ac$. / ere5s often a car emerging from t e lane &et*een my street and t e one on t e ot er side% (arallel. / e idea is to catc me unex(ectedly. -ut I5m as often as not on t e ot er side, t is% after I *as on t at side &efore. In fact I seem to a'e de'elo(ed an uncanny $nac$ of not &eing t ere * en t ey are% if anyt ing. / e lane is (art of t e continuation of #unedin Street% t at leads to t e ot er lane at t e &ac$ t at leads u( to -roug ton Road too% if furt er along% o((osite t e corner of

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!laremont Street% * ere H used to stay% a central narcissist in my life for a good num&er of years after t e in'ol'ement *it t e (rime narcissist% t oug t ey *ere all (retty (rime in t eir time. / ere5s al*ays t e (ossi&ility of someone emerging from a close at t e same time as I (ass% 6ust &efore% or 6ust after, it ma$es no difference% as long as I $no* it5s intentional. It5s &een a * ile since someone as actually &loc$ed my (at &y side+ste((ing out in front of me, t e tem(tation is to (us t em out of t e *ay, I5'e done t at &efore% * en someone s o'ed &y me, e *as mig tily offended% as t ey generally are in t eir one+sided% y(ersensiti'e *ay% accusing me of t e 'ery t ing e ad done. "in5t it al*ays t e *ayG Some older t*er( *as t ere at t e to( of t e stairs leading do*n to /esco5s% (us ing out is &i$e. EIt must &e somet ing to &e as talented as you are.F I *asn5t satisfied *it t at one% *is ing I5d said somet ing else% somet ing more... =offensi'e5% suc as EDo mama.F 0eaning somet ing t ey mig t ta$e offense to. I see t e same faces coming &y me in t e su(ermar$et% an older *or$er% t e &lo$e * o 6ust a((ens to ta$e a*ay &as$ets * ene'er I5m at t e c ec$out% t e young &int in red... 8/ oug s e *as ;uite el(ful one day% ta$ing me to t e section * ere I could &uy dis(osa&le cutlery, I5d &oug t a alf+(rice c ic$en and rice for &rea$fast, I5m still using t e cutlery, I5ll &rea$ my *ay t roug t em9. I need only go t roug t e streets in my mind% any route I c ose% for incidents to come &ac$ to me% exactly * at t ey *ant% t oug t ey often &lur into eac ot er% or can do. Side+ roads% streets% corners% are t e main (ro&lem. .enerally I cross t e street% sometimes at random, I can antici(ate so muc t roug t at sim(le strategy alone, t ey5re li$e ro&ots after all, t e comedy -org, traffic *ardens a((earing on t e ot er side% t e same &lo$eLs I sa* 6ust earlier% on a (re'ious corner or *al$ing a*ay from it, t is is t em carrying on t e =anc oring5% t e one+ u(mans i( too. / ey5re all at it% all =losers5% all terminally ood*in$ed &y t e ego and its *orld. -i$es% motorcyclists% taxis% 1(s 'ans% red cars% P3 'ans% ot ers% (ri'ate ca&s% &lac$% red% red to(s% =(ar$ies5% t ey5re all t ere &y t e time I5'e crossed and am coming to t e small lane% only I5m on t e ot er side of t e street%

4KK

*al$ing u(, or sitting on a garden *all o((osite my street * en I get t ere some yards furt er a ead. 3r metres. Het t e useful idiots a((ear% dri'ing u(% or starting from a'ing sto((ed% (ar$ed furt er u(% a dead end street t is time% in t at t ey can5t get into Dor$ Place from it% &ut t at doesn5t sto( lots of cars and t e rest &eing t ere% 'ans a((earing as I *as ex(ected to &e furt er u(% dri'ing u( (ointlessly% as I5m *ell a*are% 1+turning% coming &ac$% or sto((ing &riefly &efore t at% to *ait on me coming u( so t ey can start t eir engine (arallel to me (assing% t en dri'e off% only% I5m sitting on some ste(s% catc ing my &reat in any case% I a'e time, I could sit t ere for a alf+ our for all t ey $no*. /raffic *ardens a((eared at t e corners% *al$ed u( (arallel *it me% &ut on t e o((osite side. "ren5t t ey cle'erG I *al$ *it my middle finger u( t e * ole time% &efore I sit do*n. #ogs come and go, I a'e my orn, I let out little farty on$s as t ey go &y me. / ere5s an army of t is orses it. I5m s*armed &y t is &ullcra(. "nd t is doesn5t include t e &i$es. / is is all (art of t e murder (rocess% slo* $ill genocide. If t ey di'ide it out &et*een t em all% no one is cul(a&le% guilt is non+existent. It5s t e =(erfect5 idden crime. I could get and &e de(ressed% lose slee(% a'e (anic attac$s% &e distracted &y all t is intentional distraction% not (ay attention% *al$ * ere I s ouldn5t, it mig t e'en &e an unconscious =deat *is 5% a sym(tom% t e reflection of an inner demoralisation, * o5s going to $no*G I o5s going to see it exce(t t emG I o on eart *ould e'er &elie'e it any*ayG I too$ a different route t e ot er day% t e Saturday I ad some cas % going &y -roug ton Street instead% as is ;uite common for me. 3n t e ot er and% I5d a'e seen - in is s o(% and I didn5t. I must5'e gone &y anot er route. I recall it no*. I5d cut t roug #unedin St% t e lane at t e &ac$ and *ent &y !laremont St% cutting t roug t e flats at t e side, t e s ortcut I5d redisco'ered t roug snea$ing out one late nig tL'. early morning. <ot t at I5m assuming I *as uno&ser'ed t at afternoon, t e assum(tion is I am. / ere5s al*ays a dog% or someone comes &y s ortly after I emerge, t is time it *as a &lac$ &lo$e% slim% carrying a lig t 6ac$et% olding it out in front of im, all a &it irregular% odd. I rarely let it go% I li$e to &urst t e com(lacent &u&&le of t eir

4KM

conceit: EDou didn5t e'en loo$% so you must5'e 6ust earlier.F It *as true% e adn5t e'en glanced as I *al$ed &y, anot er gi'ea*ay. Pro&a&ly. Ce *as 'ery umorous% friendly a&out it t oug % smiling at me% gaslig ting. 2urt er u( t e street, I li$e to stand &e ind or in &et*een t e ig &lac$ ru&&is &ins or e'en 'ans% u(setting t eir timing of * ere I5m ex(ected to &e, furt er u( t e street and at t e corner &y no*. Sure enoug % a &i$e a((ears% goes &y. / is often a((ens. .oing &y t e &us de(ot is a*$*ard, t ere5s side streets to na'igate &y &efore and after% cars and t e rest timing it to &e t ere * en I5m ex(ected to &e% as I say, I stall% I sit% I free?e in (lace% I &ac$trac$% * ate'er, amused to see t em% &arren% a'ing to go &y =target free5. I cut t roug t e (ar$ed cars of t e &us de(ot% instead of *al$ing on t e (a'ements% *atc ing as cars a((ear% (arallel *it me. "l*ays t e &uild+u( of traffic as I a((roac t e corners, t ey 6ust lo'e t is stuff. I (iss around nearing Co(etoun !rescent% antici(ating t e rounda&out% *al$ into t e street% ma$e as if I5m a&out to *al$ into t e *oodsy (art of t e crescent% dou&le+&ac$% turn again% carry on u( "nna&el St% crossing * en I5m &eyond t e rounda&out. Red cars seem to &e e'ery* ere, and al*ays *it t e taxis, it5s o&'ious t e taxis are as u&i;uitous as t e ot er com(any and t e &i$es, t ey5re al*ays t ere at t e lig ts, al*ays, as often on eit er side% or all four if it5s a 6unction. It5s t e same on t e 0ound% at t e &ottom, taxis and red cars% intersecting% t*o in a ro*% * ate'er, it5s t e same rig t ere% 6ust outside... I sat do*n on stairs outside t e flats near t e to( of t e road. Some self+satisfied loo$ing older &int comes &y on a &i$e. I can sense s e5s a*are of me% or (er a(s it5s t e slig test indication on er (art, I gi'e t e finger in general, s e loo$s. -i$es are coming &y on t e corner% dogs 8 on$9% red cars% motor&i$es% t ere5s al*ays somet ing t ere to =catc 5 me as I go &y. It5s ludicrous% a mad ouse. I get u(% turn into Hot ian Rd% and fli( t e old &int t e &ird as s e (asses again. I5m e'er alert if oddly calm too, a &i$e could * i? &y me from &e ind on t e (a'ement. !oming to t e &us sto(s% al*ays &usy% es(ecially on Saturday% t ere are lots of (assers+&y, a taxi comes along. I $no* e5s going to come in% sto( &y me, t e finger is almost a reflex action no*, same *it

4KN

t e &i$es. I a'e ot er 'ariations% suc as t e =H5 to t e fore ead, I meant to use t at one again. It5d a'e &een more satisfying *it t e to( of t e stairs5 &i$e oldster. / at or t e finger, it5s so... succinct. 3 and * en I got do*n t e stairs 7 or *as it anot er dayG "not er &i$e% yards a*ay% &ut in e came% so e5d come rig t &y me% stic$ is &i$e in t e corner in t e alco'e &y t e main entrance to /esco5s. I stuc$ my finger out t e * ole time% from * en e *as yards a*ay. I en e *ent into /esco5s I sat on t e &enc % intending to stic$ a la&el on is &i$e, I5d &roug t some to use on my (rints etc.% for t e 0ound. I $ne* * at I ad in mind to *rite on t em too: =.angstal$ing <eig &ours are 0urderers5% t is &ased on a !anadian *e&site. Ce came out 6ust as I *as a&out to (lon$ it some* ere on is &i$e% (ossi&ly t e saddle. !learly% it *as a s ort 'isit for im. "s e *ent to come &y me% getting is &i$e% I stuc$ it on a flat side of t e 'ertical metal rail t at formed (art of t e cano(y outside t e store. "ny*ay% on Heit Ial$% I crossed at t e traffic lig ts% a'oiding .ayfield S;uare and t e t*o roads I5d a'e to cross% t e mandatory &i$e a'ing gone &y% and stalled at 2esti'al (osters for comedians% * ic I li$e to loo$ at in any case. " &i$e *ent &y on t e (a'ement furt er u( on t e cur'e of t e corner% (redicta&ly. / ere5s a long edge *it an o(ening t at leads to t e small s o((ing t oroug fare &e ind% so I cut t roug t e o(ening% stood a &it again% c ec$ed out t e (ar$ed cars% t e (a'ement on t e ot er side% crossed and loo$ed at t e record+co'ers and t+ s irts in .rouc os. Some groo'y stuff. I only *is I *as slim enoug to *ear t em, t ose days are long gone &y% &ut may&e again one day% * en I lose *eig t t roug some $ind of terminal illness% say.

4M0

Tues I ad to slee(. I5d left it a &it too late% a'ing *atc ed a cou(le of /4 (rogs earler% on t e no* rut less fascism of getting (eo(le off disa&ility &enefit. / e P/- no* err on t e side of in umane, it5s ta$e no s it time. "long *it t at% is t e targeting% stal$ing% arassing of t e disa&led% and t e mentally ill. Presuma&ly t at5s o* t ey see me. <ice to gi'e t em a &it of a *a$e u( call% t e ignorant s its. " great anti+gaslig ting moment earlier on t e *ay out% only% I adn5t ;uite left yet% a'ing forgotten my stic$ers and ad to go &ac$ u(stairs for t em and out again% only% all I did *as o(en and slam t e stair door at t e &ottom *it out going out, t ere5s glass% so I can see out * en t e main door is latc ed o(en. Immediately% cars criss+cross% and a car (ar$ed directly outside t e close and to t e side% starts u(% s*er'es out% to 1+turn rig t t ere. "s I5'e said% it5s more =effecti'e5 if t ey don5t esitate% catc you at t e s(ot to get t at maximum moment of anc oring% =artificial sync ronisation5% t e titanic t*ats. I5ll carry on *it * ere I left off yesterday% t oug I can5t &e doing t is day after day, t ere5s far more interesting t emes to &e discussing% suc t e fact I5m K0 (ages into !I5s 0ind Parasites% and it5s a teenterrific read. I can see already * y I li$e is *riting so muc % * y I found it so engaging, It5s 6ust 6am+(ac$ed *it

4M1

t e most interesting ideas% connections. Ce doesn5t (ussyfoot around. I5ll come &ac$ to it% as I said% t oug I &etter not lea'e it too late li$e last nig tLt is morning. " case of timing% as *ell as (acing myself. I5ll 6ust a'e to acce(t I *on5t get it all do*n% unless I do not ing muc else &ut *rite, and t e more I read% t e more I a'e to *rite a&out too. /0P as already t ro*n so muc lig t on t e situation in t e sense it5s gi'en me connections to *or$ *it almost from t e outset, it5s ;uite uncanny in a *ay% if no sur(rise too, it5s &een li$e t is for decades no*. It5s only in recent mont s t ere5s &een t is concerted effort to undermine it% interfere *it it. !I e'en uses t e latter *ord in terms of /0P. Ce e'en states t eir (ur(ose is to $ee( our attention directed out*ard. "s I say% it5s ;uite uncanny. "ll t e more so * en t e no'el *as (u&lis ed in 1NBK% almost a decade &efore t e (u&lication of "!I0+ t oug "!I0 *as dictatedLc annelled t roug 1NB> to 1NK2. -ut to get &ac$ to t e ot er day% &efore I c ange my mindQ It mig t not &e so ri'eting &ut I feel dra*n to $ee( descri&ing it at t e moment, t e =* y5 *ill come &ac$ to me in t e (rocess of it. If I didn5t% I5d (ro&a&ly delete it. I5ll li$ely ty(e for anot er fi'e ours or so% t roug --! B 0usic% *it a &rea$ in &et*een% /onig t% t e .idco% t e =gu'ner5 7 0arc Riley calls im t at 7 is focusing on 1NKB. I missed some of it for *atc ing Secrets of t e S o(lifters% a /4 series on ! annel 4. E'ery (rofession% e'ery age range s o(lifts. "s one security do+gooder said% one can5t el( coming to t e conclusion *e5re a nation of t ie'es. Ce forgot to add liars and y(ocrites. "n older% more self+rig teous ty(e said t ey s ould a'e t eir ands cut off. <ice to see *e5'e made (rogress. 2unny o* it5s t e (eo(le * o ta$e t ese 6o&s t at a'e t ese 'ie*s. -efore you $no* it *e5ll &e cutting out (eo(le5s eyes for loo$ing at (orn% or at t e P/- in a funny *ay. I5m reminded of an account &y Hudo'ic )ennedy% t e *ell+ $no*n media &ore of yesteryear% t e details of * ic I5'e forgotten, it *as in one of is &oo$s. " citi?en% one of t e serfs some centuries (ast% missed or forgot to doff is ca( to some religious &ig*ig in (assing. / e olier t an t ou@er% t e man of good% .od and forgi'eness% *as so slig ted% offended% so

4M2

mortified &y t is% e ad t e &lo$e5s ands and feet cut off. !I as a telling little anecdote a&out H) in is !C30an$ind% &ut I5m not in t e mood to loo$ it u( andLor descri&e it rig t no*. It *asn5t com(limentary. -ut I5ll add t is: / ere5s &een a num&er of times in my life * en (eo(le a'e ta$en offence &ecause I didn5t ac$no*ledge t em% from teens on*ards% &eginning *it t e a&surdly emotionally immatureLnarcissistic long+term li'e+inLco a&iting &eau of my mot er5s% &efore t eir a&orti'e $ami$a?e marriage attem(t. I5m sure I5'e descri&ed t is else* ere% in an intended (re;uel of sorts to t is lot, I ne'er did finis editing it 7 I &arely scratc ed t e surface% and at t is rate% t is lot could go t e same *ay. Suffice it to say I adn5t noticed im, e *as con'inced I5d intentionally ignored im% t e (resum(tuous t*on$. I *as (laying foot&all at t e time% in t e (lay(ar$ in )il&erry St% 6ust around t e corner from * ere *e stayed. 3&'iously I ad ot er t ings on my mind% suc as (aying attention to t e ame% and t e &all. / at and I5m s ort+sig ted 8It al*ays comes &ac$ to t e &ody% t e ome of and ego5s sym&ol of differences and se(aration% e G9. Ce sa* imself as a great foot&all su((orter. I en drun$ e could &e un(leasant a&out my younger &ro and me &eing !eltic =su((orters5 * en e su((orted Rangers. Ce com(lained to my mot er, it *as e'idence% incontro'erti&le (roof as to * at a !unt I *as 7 or somet ing along t ose lines, I5'e ne'er ;uite figured out t e =logic5 &e ind it. / e main o&6ection of course% is t at if e sa* me% e only ad to say ECi%F &ut t e same rules ne'er a((ly to t e insecure fascists% accusers. I5'e found t is a((lies rig t across t e &oard, it5s one+sidedness% (ro6ection. Ieird. It5s narcissistic and (aranoid. Cey% #r 2eelgood and t eir $iller riffs: S e #oes It Rig t. 3 % and tell a lie% it5s 0i$e #a'ies5 Pun$ S o* on Radio 1 at midnig t. / e orror. It could &e *orse, it could &e t*o ours of I'or !utler. Roc$ing. -ut it de(ends on your mood and inclination. I5d turned in to 7 on to Heit Ial$... no I *as at .rouc os% t e music store. I crossed Hondon Rd *it out any mis a(, it *as

4M3

(ac$ed, I could 6oin t e t rong as t ey crossed t e roads% ma$ing it difficult for any singular targeting% intersecting% c ec$ my funds at t e !as (oint% t e rent money *as t ere% urra % *it dre* some to re(lace later% alert t e * ole time% mildly *ary of t e &lo$e in front for some reason% t en *al$ed around t e c i(s o( come restaurant on t e cur'e% and stood &y t e rail at t e edge of t e (a'ement &y t e road to loo$ around% as *ell as sto( at random as is my *ay no*. It5s a *ide road% *it a long island in t e middle. " car came in% sto((ed almost directly o((osite, t e &lo$e 6ust sat t ere% no one getting in or out, t is is ;uite common. / en a 'an% almost ad6acent to im% an Indian loo$ing dri'er% sat for a &it% t en off e *ent. It5s not ing% it5s =e'eryt ing5% it5s mind games. " cou(le of (eo(le *ent &y me% coming &y t e fenceLrailing% t e first a((earing out of no* ere, i.e.% I adn5t ex(ected it% so I *asn5t loo$ing+ &ut on$ed ;uic$ly enoug % and sa* t e next &lo$e *ell in time. I *as *ondering * ere t e &i$es *ere, I5d &een standing t ere ;uite a * ile% t oug after t e first fe* minutes% I eard t e customary &laring am&ulance% ma$ing its *ay do*n Heit Ial$% so I sli((ed into t e c i(s o(% closing t e door &e ind me, it5s all glass% ;uite s(acious. I almost sat do*n and ad fis and c i(s% &ut t e t oug t of t e ex(ense dissuaded me e'en t oug I5d still to a'e &rea$fast% afternoon or no. Standing at t e edge of t e railings s(ot again for a little * ile% t in$ing it *as a&out time I made a mo'e *as * en t e &i$es came of course% around t e corner% eac time% as I *as a&out to 8not9 mo'e off. / ey *ere in single and t*os% male and female% t*enties and oldster. I ga'e t em t e finger and an exaggerated inaneLcretinous grin% * ate'er occurred to me% t en *al$ed furt er u(. / ere5s usually a &i$e% taxi% * ate'er to catc me at t e small lane 6ust &efore t e (u& and .reenside (ro(er% &ut again% it *as too &usy. 3ne afternoon * en I *as *al$ing u( t ere I ad t e im(ulse to ni( into t e ( one+&oot , someLa yo& came &y *it is yo&&y dogs, e made sure t ey *ere on my side% sniffing &y t e ( one &oot as t ey *ent &y. Ce5d a'e made sure t ey *ere in my *ay.

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"not er one comes to mind. I5m in t e Iest Port (art of t e city% on t e corner near * ere Ric ard5s &oo$s o( is% and I5m antici(ating a 'e icle a((earing 6ust as I5m a&out to cross, a car arri'es (rom(tly% at some s(eed% slo*s% sto(s, I stand t ere and loo$ at im% letting im (ass. I5d also a'oided *al$ing into a dog to my rig t coming do*n &y t e &oo$s o(, not t at I5d seen it% it5s 6ust t at / ey5'e made a a&it of dogs in t is area, it mig t &e t e (resence of t e Jo& !entre% I don5t $no*, t e con'ergence of t e =sc emies5. " young &lo$ey yo& and is loyal mutt *al$ off t e (a'ement, e *as standing rig t &eside me &ut% not a'ing e'en turned I adn5t seen im. Ce loo$s &ac$ as e does it% ex(ecting t e satisfaction of my a'ing inad'ertently =follo*ed5 im% &ut I5m still standing t ere% t en turn rig t as intended% to c ec$ out t e &oo$s in R5s *indo*. I must really dri'e t em u( t e *all sometimes. I *onder if t ey5re getting actual instructions: ECe5s standing &y t e edge of t e $er&. 3$ay% *al$ o'er and stand &eside im% t en% * en e...F9. It *as an amusing if ty(ically tri'ial little moment in t e matrix. QI sto((ed &y / e Play ouse to c ec$ out t e (osters% antici(ated any &i$es coming &y me on t e *ide (la?a% * et er in front or from &e ind% *al$ed furt er u( and sat on t e long *ide ste(s in front of t e s o((ing com(lex. / ere5s a taxi ran$, in'aria&ly one *ill mo'e off (arallel to me, it5s t e same on Ia'erly -ridge. I5'e ad t e rest mo'e for*ard in time *it me *al$ing &y% taxis cutting in% in 1+turns directly o((osite me% t e ne'er ending suggestion of t reat% anc oring% &ut mainly gaslig ting and t en some. " &i$e goes &y on t e road, I5d antici(ated it% sat do*n at t e same time. " lot of it5s a&out (laying t em at t eir o*n game% a'e them guessing for a c ange% &ut I5'e often found t em so literal+minded t ey don5t gi'e you t e &enefit of t e dou&t% so to say% ta$ing t e credit for t emsel'es t ey5re so one+dimensional in outloo$, u&ris. " meta( or for t e situation as a * ole, t at it ne'er seems to occur to t em t e situation is (artly intentional on my (art, I &roug t it on semi+intentionally. I get to see o* it

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*or$s% * at t eir strategies are% *atc t em rus around li$e t e mindless conceited t*er(s t at t ey are. If anyt ing can ta$e me &y sur(rise% arouse anxiety% stress% and anger% t en I5'e still somet ing to learn. It5s all a learning (rocess% a classroom, I forget t at e'ery single day. / e &i$es are t eir sym&ol of guilt% made u(, t ey do as t ey told% &elie'e * at t ey5re told% t oug .od $no*s% if t ey really &elie'ed it% it *ould &e &affling as to * y some of t em can actually &e ;uite good+ umoured a&out it% if I can descri&e it as suc in suc a context. I recall one time% mont s &ac$% &i$es (assing at t e 6unction of -roug ton Rd and !annonmills and I s outed E#on5t you get &ored *it t is s itGF and e s outed &ac$ EDesOF I en t e co(s *ere u(% t ey as$ed me if t e &i$e on t e &anister *as my neig &our@s, actually% it *as someone u(stairs and is still t ere 80y mista$e% it5s t e flat o((osite% no* ro(ed in to t e arassment9. ! $ee(s is inside. I didn5t a'e a &i$e. -ut% as it a((ened% I got t e offer of a &i$e s ortly after from #% t e I/ &lo$e I met t roug going for some free meals at Co(etoun% t e nuns 7 t eir main ins(iration is 0ot er /eresa% a dee(ly confused *oman% as most !at olics are. I &oug t t e &i$e for V40. Ce ad is o*n. / ere *ere e'en co(s around t at day as I recall. I (ointed it out. It ad also occurred to me t ey mig t see t is as some sort of act of &ra'ado% egocentric t*on$s t at t ey are% in t is case. -ut it5s 6ust o* it *or$ed out. I *as correct, t ey too$ it as some $ind of act of &ra'ado on my (art% rat er t an mere c ance and 0 to do *it t em. / ey5d also &een an o&trusi'e (resence t e day after t ey5d &een u(% (ossi&ly still under t e im(ression I *as getting out of t e matrix% * en in reality I5d &een 'acuuming late for t e (eriodic flat ins(ection. It5s only rented. / ey caug t me on t e first corner of 0c#onald Rd from -roug t Rd side% came rig t &y me% sto((ing dead. I $ne* t ey5d start u( as soon as I ste((ed off t e $er& to cross% t e facile (redicta&le t*er(s% and did exactly t at% only I fro?e mid+stride as t ey s(ed a ead% sto((ed again% got out% a male and female. I (oc$eted my red% metal =s(ud gun5, t ey mig t use it as an excuse

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to s oot me. <ot really, it5s li$ely t ey sa* it. -ut * o can &e sureG / e tall male co( *ent do*n t e stairs of t e closed or deserted (rint *or$s as if it *ere &usiness as usual% c ec$ing for... * o $no*sG It *as all orses it any*ay, s e *as &e ind me. EHoo$ing for =gangstal$ersG5F I as$ed 8said9. E/ at5s rig t.F / ey got &ac$ in t eir car soon after I (assed. I5'e forgotten t e exact train of e'ents. I5d go out on t e &i$e, it *asn5t too &ad, t ere *ere &i$es around% t at5s for sure% some arassment% stal$ing% lig t intersecting% often on foot as no*% less c ronic% &ut I came and *ent. I e'en cycled do*n to <e* a'en &y t e s ore% cycled around t ere for a &it% Heit ar&our too. I a'oided &usy roads% &ut I did cycle t e surrounding area% coming around corners li$e a madman% *it all my excess *eig t% t e u&i;uitous taxis al*ays around if not in t e same *ay as no*. Q Sitting on t e ste(s &y .reenside% *atc ing t e &i$es come &y 7 u( ill% to catc me at t e traffic lig ts * en I *al$ u(% *atc ing (eo(le go &y% a youngis cou(le sitting to my left% &e ind me% imagining gi'ing t em t e lo*+do*n on t e situation% a t oug t+ex(eriment% see * at a((ens in t e meantime... Iould I ma$e a fool of myself or *ould it &e as (redictedG Per a(s. Des it *ould. Some long aired ding&at comes ?ooming &y on t e *ide t oroug fare, t e idea is to catc me *al$ing u(. #oes a dog go &yG Iit its o*ner of course. / ere5s certainly one s ortly after% along *it t e (eriodic 6oggers, same. "s t e dog and &int go &y% coming from t e left% *al$ing do*n% a man&lo$e runs &y% intersects at exactly t e same time% directly o((osite% in &et*een t e dogLo*ner and me, e5s olding a mo&ile ( one to is ear * ile running% loo$ing li$e a com(lete (rat, it5s o&'iously staged, e5s dar$+s$inned% slim% loo$s Indian. "t least e carries on until e5s o&scured &y t e cro*d instead of sto((ing soon after*ards as most of t em do. If I5d (redicted an interaction rig t &y me to t is cou(le... &a?ingO I5d &e #a'id -laine% in (syc ological terms. 3r% more accurately% t e ot er guy. #erren -ro*n. 3r it5s a confidence tric$% a set+u( of some $ind... to fleece t e (u&lic. 3r street+t eatre.

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If I5d &een tal$ing to t em% to anyone% *ould it a'e ta$en (lace stillG It a((ens all t e time, it5s t eir s(eciality, iding in (lain sig t. "s one =/I5 said% t ey can ma$e you feel alone e'en * en you5re in a cro*d. / at5s a matter of inter(retation &ut it5s understanda&le under t e circumstances. "loneness isn5t necessarily t e same as &eing alone or lonelinessLisolation, t e collusion of egos isn5t true 6oining eit er. In an u(side+do*n% insane *orld% (erce(tion of e'ents as to &e re'ersed. It5s =all sound and fury% signifying 05% 6ust as t e -ard said. <ot Ra&&ie. Some minutes later% a &i$e sna$es in from t e side% almost &e ind me, e ad to cur'e out for t e ste(s. Ce5d came u( &y t e side of / e Play ouse% stic$ing close so I *ouldn5t see im if I got u(. / ey are% ironically% e'eryt ing t e drun$en &eau *ould accuse me of * en is true c aracter% a mass of (ro6ection% resentment% c ildis ness% re'ealed itself: =slee$it5. I al*ays feel I s ould &e doing or saying somet ing for a'ing caug t t em out. I tend to feel I ne'er ;uite ca(italise on t at% ma$e t e &est of o((ortunities% as if it asn5t ;uite sun$ in, t e trut is% t at5s often t e case. I could (retend I didn5t see it% rus out. I5'e $ic$ed * eels in (assing * en t ey get too close% s o'ed t em out of t e *ay% lifted t eir &i$e out of t e *ay% *al$ed in front of t em% c ased t em for t e ell of it% stuc$ innocuous leaflets &et*een slats on a luggage rac$ *it out er noticing as t ey (ass &y on t e corner% *al$ing 7 t is *as &y t e !entral Hi&rary, &ut it5s all (alling into insignificance% t ey ne'er get &ored *it t emsel'es. / ey need a &uc$et of (aint o'er t eir eads. I5m getting suc$ed into t e (ro6ected dream on t e screen again. -ut t en% * o5s t ere to see o* naff t ey are exce(t t e target and ot er li$eLmediocre mindsG Cu&ris inflates t e egos% t ey a'e no real earnestness of irony% or y(ocrisy, of 6ust o* stereoty(ical% cloneli$e% tedious% facile% utterly deri'ati'e and unoriginal t ey are, grou(t in$ gi'es t em a sense of security% of =community5% o*e'er distorted% emotionally *ar(ed. / ey5'e literally no a*areness t ey succum& to e'ery clic T in t e &oo$% &ecoming * at t ey5re told t ey5re fig ting against, &ut t at5s little *ould+&e social scientists for you% t e sterile little social #ar*inists% t e (resent and future socio(at s.

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Q I *ent only to t e St James !entre. / ere *as (ro&a&ly more -S in t e little lane &efore it% &ut I *ant to get t roug t is. I &oug t a cou(le% of (asties from t e &a$ery% t e oldster assistant offered me t eir 4 iced fudge donuts for a V and I &oug t t em instead of disa((ointing er% fool t at I am. / e friendly *ell+ intentioned% un*itting (oisoner called me =lo'e5 s e *as so (leased. 3n second t oug ts s e (ro&a&ly calls e'ery ma$e t at. I &oug t some c ocolate% food% mil$% a cutting &oard for 'eg% ot er t ings from t e Pounde S o((e% *aited for t e rain to sto(... "fter t e coffee in t e cafe I *al$ed along Dor$ Place% &ut 6ust &efore t at *al$ing do*n to t e traffic lig ts% I $ne* t ere5d &e a car at t e side in t e ga( &y t e car (ar$, t ere *as a (ri'ate taxi of course% for t at 'ery (ur(ose, one of t e grey ones. I ga'e im an intentionally filt y loo$ as e started u( is engine% *al$ed rig t in front of is car, e didn5t return it or say anyt ing. "nd me *it my glasses on% as al*ays. "n ass on a &i$e *ould (ass at t e lig ts. / ey really *ent for it in -roug ton St% one of t e fa'e streets for acts to stay during t e 2esti'al+% * ic is a&out u(on us% &y t e *ay. I5d forgotten I *as a &it =&ols ie5 t e last time% s(las ing my 2un Sna(s left rig t and centre% tossing t em o'er t e eads of taxi+dri'ers and t eir taxis as t ey got into t eir carsLslamming doors at t e same time as I (assed, t e usual routine. / e &est time to sna( a ca( is a s(lit+second earlier% 6ust as t ey5re closing t em. QI did a lot of sto((ing and starting at random. / ere *ere taxis t ere at e'ery turn% &y * ic I mean side+lane% letting (eo(le out etc.% o&'iously staged. I adn5t e'en got to t e main side+road &efore a car dro'e &y% sto((ed% *aited as I $ne* it *ould for me to come &y o(ening t eir door seconds &efore I (assed. I let my groceries collide *it it% (ulled t em free as I *al$ed. ESorryF s e said. / ey all say t at. I sto((ed some feet along t e (a'ement a*ay from t e corner, a 6ogger is t ere% e5d come do*n &e ind me% loo$ing to (ass, t e t*er( is *earing t e customary red =sensitisationLanc oring5 to(. E...Is t at you snea$ing u( on meGF I say. Ce doesn5t re(ly% 6ogs off. I5d sna((ed t e andle (art of a (lastic &ag or t*o earlier, for some reason% I (ut t em do*n on t e road of t e next side+street, a * ite taxi

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?ooms in% front first% sto(s feet a*ay from me% turns, e5d &een *atc ing% *aiting, I ne'er &udge or 6um(Lstart if (ossi&le. I toss my tam&ourine in is direction 'aguely as I *al$ do*n, it5s &ac$ on t e lane. I (ut my &ags do*n% go &ac$ after it. Ce5s t ere at t e next main corner * en I (ic$ u( my &ac$s% *aiting% &aiting% dri'es off. I5d &een too late to get more 2un Sna(s earlier. / ey *ere all I needed. I cross t e side street% $ee( *al$ing do*n -roug ton Street on t e same side, a door slams to t e rig t% a slim &int come out t e flats% do*n t e ste(s% rus es &y me, more -S% more assle% more arassment. I don5t mo'e my &ags% let er &um( t em as s e (asses in fact, t ey &urst o(en% or one does% (ro&a&ly (artly torn from t e car door earlier, tins s(ill out onto t e (a'ement. I s out% EI at t e ell *as t at forGF as s e (asses, s e5s mortified% or as near as t e terminally (lugged in can &e% comes &ac$% (ic$s one u(% ands it to me. ESorry.F S e5s attracti'e% does actually loo$ 'ery regretful, t is *asn5t su((osed to a((en, it *asn5t (art of t e scri(t. I say% EDou (eo(le need your ead examined.F S e *al$s off. / e =sorry5 is re(eated ad nauseam later. Ie5re coming to t e traffic lig ts. / ere5s al*ays t e &i$e. I stall% u(setting t eir timing% I on$% let it get in my *ay% * ate'er. / is time it5s a taxi, I s ould5'e guessed. Ce5s t ere on t e o((osite side% only it5s em(ty, e comes out of t e (u&% sudden li$e% as t ey do% in front of me, all I needed to do *as s(eed u(% collide if I5d *anted to% &ut I5d &e too far a ead. I5m (re(ared. I stic$ a stic$er on t e corner of is taxi as e goes around t e ot er side to get in. I5m at t e &ottom of t e street no*% *al$ing around t e cur'e% to t e door of t e flats * ere I (assed a &int &efore in 6ogging suit% (assing me &efore s e *ent in% yet% I already $ne* t at s e *as one of / em. -ra?enly% I follo* er as s e turns off% (retending I mig t follo* er in. ECi5F s e said% smiles% as s e turned off% *ent inside t e close% closing t e door &e ind er. S e got a stic$er. " (i??a &lo$e on a &i$e *as *aiting at t e side of t e traffic lig ts on Hondon Road% &ut I5d 6ust sto((ed at t e door...

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/ e usual &i$es and t e rest on t e *ay &ac$% roads to (ass% I sit on a &enc % c ec$ out t e dri'ers t at come u( from t e side street. I *al$ do*n it% antici(ate any car coming u( to*ards t e cur'e at t e &ottom% free?e in (lace and mo'e again 6ust as it comes into sig t% mimic$ing * at t ey do% &ut in re'erse+ t oug t ey do &ot . "round t e corner% a dad% girls on roller+s$ates... * eels *it in * eels... it5s all staged% t e silly arse*i(e. I (ut a stic$er on a lam(+(ost% turn u( into t e street t at leads to !laremont Street% a &i$e crosses at t e to(% * ic is fine% as t ere5s an older &int *it er dog and &i$e too * o stays in a close t ere, s e t in$s it5s ilaaaarious. Ce secures is &i$e at t e side of t e s o( * ere I5ll (ass it% goes inside, I stic$ a stic$er to t e frame of t e &i$e% *al$ into t e s o(, I need &ags. I5m *al$ing slo*ly% u(setting t e timing of t e reds% (ri'ate ca&s loo$ing to intersect on t e corner of t e next street% t e di(stic$s. I en I5m on t e ot er side I ear a car coming in% not ing unusual at all% it5s a relati'ely &usy road% &ut I 6ust $no*Q I sto(% turn and rest my arms on t e metal fence of an entrance*ay% c ec$ it out. / e car 1+turns% comes in% sto(s o((osite * ere I5d 6ust a&out &e if I adn5t sto((ed. I *rite out some more stic$ers% cross% stic$ one to t e &ig &lac$ ru&&is &in t ere. I forget as I go &y t e car% s e adn5t got out% is (erusing somet ing% t at I can $neel &y it% front or &ac$% ad6usting a s oelace% * ate'er% unsettling t e smartarse% not to mention (lon$ a stic$er surre(titiously% &ut annoyance &loc$s my t oug ts. I cross &ac$% t ere5s a flat at t e end of t e &uilding% a cou(le% on se(arate occasions% coming out as I (ass% (utting somet ing out. I attac a stic$er to t e lam((ost nearest to t em% a*are t at t e &int n t e car *ill &e o&ser'ing my e'ery mo'e. / ere5s t e &i$e in t e distance% or *as t at anot er day...G / e &lo$e t at didn5t come &y% intersected *it a side roadLcorner% seemed to t in$ &etter of it% $e(t going along -roug ton Rd. I *as carrying my (ortfolio of (aintings. 0ay&e it made me loo$ =&usinessli$e5% (ur(oseful. I5m a((roac ing t e (u& near t e corner of !laremont and -roug ton St, a (ri'ate ca& gets in front of me% o((osite t e (u&% comes u( onto t e (a'ement &y a foot or t*o, more suggestion% =su&tle5 aggression. I sto( as I come &y im% lean against t e car%

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gi'e im t e t um& as I attac a stic$er *it out im noticing. Ce5d loo$ed annoyed% antici(ating aggra'ation% retaliation% t en relaxes% arrogant. I cross - Rd% forget to (ut a stic$er on t e doggy s o( t ere+ t ey5'e &een at it as *ell% rus ing to cars *it t eir mutts as I come &y% +or I c oose 6ust to (laster it on one of t e metal &alustrades at t e to( of t e lane in (assing. Calf*ay do*n t e lane I sto( to sort out t e &ags, someone is *al$ing do*n% a young &lac$ $id% ear( ones. I (ic$ t e &ags u( as e (asses% instead of a'oiding it% *al$ do*n almost in time *it im. I go &y t e &ac$ *ay t is time. I5'e some stic$ering to do. " large 'an ad dra*n in% sto((ed at t e modern flats on t e same side. It could &e c ance. I stic$er im in (assing any*ay. I $no* a car *ill &e t ere on one of t e corners% o((osite t e grassy section I5m coming to% &ut cross any*ay, I5m in t e mood for a modicum of confrontation. / ere5s a &int *it a dog. 0ay&e I rattle my tam&ourine. " car comes in% rig t on cue% li$e a regular &o*el mo'ement. Ce5ll dri'e to t e to( of t at little side+road% *ait &y t e flats until I5m furt er along% cli( me at t e corner at t e to( of my streetLroad. I don5t mo'e% 6ust stand and *atc . Ce dri'es do*n% timing it to &e t ere 6ust as I5m a&out to cross% sto(s% *a'es me to cross. I ignore im% stand t ere% loo$ a*ay. Presuma&ly t e idea is I $no* not ing a&out suggestion% constant aggra'ation% stress% and suggestion. "s if it5s * olly coincidence e5s t ere again% t e same (erson t at *ent u( t at road for no ot er reason &ut to come &ac$. / ey5re morons. !ongenital num&s$ulls. I cross as e (asses% say EI o are you fuc$ing $idding...GF Ce o(ens is *indo*. EI at *as t atGF EI said... I o are you fuc$ing $iddingG I at did you t in$ I saidGF Ce grins arrogantly% sto(s after e turns% &ut as no come&ac$. Ce5ll *ait again% &ide is time as t e ego does. I *al$ &ris$ly to*ards im% *al$ &y. Ce ta$es off. I can go around t e &ac$ of t e flats &ut don5t, my 'ie* *ill &e &loc$ed as I come out t e side street into my street. " carL'an ?ooms in. I *al$ along% a red car comes in% sto(s% so do I, I5ll *rite out more stic$ers% see * o gets out. Ce ta$es is time% enters one of t e u(mar$et flats. I ma$e a note of * ere it is% o((osite t e flat yello* &in, com(letely forgetting a&out is red car% I (ut a stic$er on t e lam((ost.

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I *al$ to t e corner% t ere5s a single concrete &alustrade t ere% at t e to( of t e road. I can (ut one on t at too% stand &e ind it a*ay from eac road side, (syc ological. / e grinning &lo$e comes &y again% s ort air% late t*enties% early t irties% loo$ing to cli( me again as I $ne* e *ould, e *as no (asser+ &y, fe* of t em are% as *it t e &lo$e and is &int% t e one * o came &y &i$e u( t e (at to t e side% secured it% got into is car after e *as t ere at t e intersection. "ll staged. S e as a &ig smir$ all o'er er face. I ad my camera% ad ta$en some =sna(s5% &ut not really, it5s a c ea( dud, I5d &een stiffed, it *on5t ta$e a card, I5m 6ust going t roug t e motions in general. Ce comes &ac$ do*n% follo*s me in is car, I go around t e &ac$ of t e flats o((osite% come out t e side% e5s t ere% on is mo&ile. EIait t ere% t e (olice are coming.F I ignore im &ut don5t% say I don5t a'e to &e *aiting any* ere% t at e5s a stal$er% a co'ert aggressor. I *as as$ed a&out t is later as t ey loo$ed to oist me &y my o*n (etard. "s I say% t e Internet is irrele'ant to t em. It5s * o you are% * o t ey are% and * o / ey are. So I turned it on its ead% made lig t of it, I can &ide my time in my o*n *ay% and t is is it% t oug I t oug t I5d *rite far less% u(load it earlier. Q" &i$e came &y QI mentioned t is. I5d stuc$ my finger out t e * ole time, not t e s o((ing time. It as to &e &edtime.

4N3

6ugust$ Thursday$ / ings I forget to mention, t e ti( of t e icicle&erg. / e ot er day% *it / e .reat #oor /ric$% a &i$e came do*n t e street% *ent rig t into t e garage o((osite. I $ne* from t e outset t ey *ere com(licit. It5s &een (ro'en to me numerous times. / ere5s still t e (ro&lem of increasing noise% odd sounds too * en I go to t e loo first t ing. It could &e coincidence sometimes% &ut not e'ery time. " &lo$e in a red /+s irt *al$ing in at t e same time as I got u( from t e &enc at /esco5s t e ot er day as I *as a&out to *al$ u( t e stairs t at lead to t e road. I needed to go&% so I s(at a fraction of a second later as e did it, e loo$ed% didn5t say anyt ing. 0y little *ay of saying I $no* it5s -S. I noticed my stic$er ad &een scratc ed off, someone didn5t li$e it. Ru& it out% $ee( it idden% 6ust li$e t e gs itself, t at5ll sol'e t e (ro&lem. Ru& 0e 3ut. I t oug t I *as going to go out today, I really did, catc u( *it some t ings. I *o$e at a decent time% feeling ex austed t en couldn5t get &ac$ to slee( *it t e rac$et o((osite+ I really must get out of ere as long intended. Ca'ing stum&led on t e S)

4N4

no'el% !ell% at t e side of t e settee% I read t at for a * ile till I *as slee(y again% ad6usting t e 'olume of t e classical music station to any distur&ance. / e S) no'el (er$ed u(, an interesting section on (syc ologically ex(laining t e (ro&a&le cause% if not t e origins of t e madness% t e contagion of insanity and 'iolence t at5s ta$en o'er t e 1S if not t e rest of t e *orld% I5m not sure. I see a (arallel *it !I5s 0ind Parasites &ut I5m not u( to attem(ting to ma$e com(arisons rig t no*% I5m feeling a &it under t e *eat er still% a &it s ort of slee(. "nd I5'e got &loody indigestion again. I must $ee( it in mind to &uy ta&lets% magic or not. It5s (artly due to feeling ungry, it *as time I ate% so I am% * ile I *rite, some cold (asta and tuna. I en it5s time to *rite% food seems almost irrele'ant% a'ing to get u(% sort it out, ;uite a c ange from my recent ca&le days * en it5s as if I5m fore'er sitting do*n *it a meal as an excuse to *atc yet anot er (rogramme or film. It5s not ealt y to stay in too muc eit er, t e tem(tation is al*ays t ere. / ey $no* t is% I $ee( forgetting, t at t ey5ll inter(ret t e arassment as effecti'e% increase it% &e t ere as s ar(ly as (ossi&le * en t ey t in$ I5m ma$ing a rea((earance% reacting to t eir o*n inter(retations as al*ays. / is as (ro'ed to &e t e case today% t oug I didn5t do muc egging on today. " ;uic$ o(en and door close at 10am &efore I settle &ac$ on t e settee to read% earing t em scurrying into (lace again% doors slamming% cars coming in% engines starting etc. "nd t at5s only t e t ing I can ear, it doesn5t include * at I5m not seeing. I did it again sometime after M(m * en it *as clear &y t en I *asn5t going out for anyt ing, I realised I didn5t need to. " little s;uat loo$ing &int came running do*n *it er dog% on t e o((osite side. 0an% *as s e determined to &e (rom(t. <o* I realise s e *anted to &e (arallel or slig tly a ead of me * en I came out into t e street. It *ould seem all t e more =(u??ling5% if not =&affling5 as to o* s e did it, in s ort% for t e gaslig ting to &e all t e more effecti'e% t e merciless little s it. I *atc ed from t e &at room *indo*% *aiting until s e sto((ed% ga'e a loud derisory laug % cli((ed+styli% as I closed t e *indo*. -ut strategies li$e t at on t eir (art are all t e more

4N>

incriminating% *ould &e so effecti'e on film I mean% t e stal$ing is so &latant. / ey really are (retty sure of t emsel'es no*. It *ill &e interesting as to * at t e res(onse *ill &e * en I get a 'idcam. / eir res(onse *ill &e to try and nic$ it% * et er literally or =legally5% li$e t e last time *it t e cameraLs. -ut *ill t ey modify t eir &e a'iour in t e meantime% as t ey did *it " on t e sceneG !ertainly cameras ma$e no difference, I5m only sna((ing seemingly e'eryday e'ents, t at5s o* it *ould &e inter(reted% as t ey $no*. / ey surely must $no* I $no* a&out t e idden micro( one or * ate'er it is. / at rarely sto(s t em sending (eo(le eit er% as I5'e said. It5s ;uite &i?arre in more *ays t an one. -ut I do a'e to go out sometime% so may&e t at ex(lains it, 6ust catc me e'ery time and t ey5ll =get5 me, t ey can do t eir &est to ma$e u( for it t e rest of t e day or as long as I5m out, it5s a 'irtual military o(eration, *e5re &ringing t is fuc$er do*nO Hiterally. / at seems a&out t e long and t e s ort of it. I did it again around 10. ! *as t ere% outside. I5d laug ed again% &ut at a &lo$e (assing &y along *it 'arious 'e iclesLengines starting u(% slamming doors% eadlig ts turned on. Ce t oug t it *as for im% me acting t e goat. I ex(lained * en e came in, I5d as$ed if e5d s o* me o* to fit t e &atteries into t e c arger I &oug t recently 8/ e s(ace *as too *ide, I ad only to fli( out a cli( of sorts on eac side, I5m suc a Hudd ite9. I told im I5d done t e door t ing. E'en e couldn5t miss t e sudden acti'ity 6ust as e came &ac$+ t at (art *as c ance. Ce ac$no*ledged it% saying it *as ;uiet * en e5d *ent out% *ondered at it as e arri'ed &ac$. Ce $no*s t e situation% * at I do% &ut e5s less reason for it to t*ig e'ery time 8(ic$ u( on it9. 3ne afternoon% 6ust as e5d ta$en is &i$e do*nstairs and outside% I5d *ent to t e &at room *indo*% sa* t e 'an *it t e &i$es on to( (ass 6ust as e *as t ere, I laug ed at t at one% said EI don5t t in$ t ey can tell t e difference &et*een your door and mine.F I5'e noticed / ey5re almost al*ays t ere in some form * ene'er someone lea'es t e flats% slams t e door, t e large &lac$ ca&s are t e common =res(onders5, t e large taxi C: is around t e corner in #unedin Street, It *ould &e. / ere5s al*ays a certain satisfaction * en someone else is

4NB

t ere to see it t oug . I didn5t e'en a'e to s(ell it out. -ut e5s &een a*are of t e situation for mont s% *ay longer. I made im a cu( of tea, e &roug t is cu( and c ocolate &iscuits, it5s &een a little * ile, t e last time *as * en e reminded me o* to &ring u( t e ( otos of my (aintings% (ut t em on t e com(uter. I told im a&out t e relati'ely recent excitement o'er t e ta$ing ( otos rigmarole and t e attendant re(ercussions along *it t e outcome, t at it *or$ed out o$ay. Ce told me a&out o* someone e $ne*% a (rofessional ( otogra( er *anted to ( otogra( a storefront so e sim(ly *ent inside and as$ed if e could% *as told e could &y a *oman * o *or$ed t ere% too$ it% t en felt a and on is s oulder, it *as a security &lo$e from across t e *ay, I5'e forgotten * ic com(any it *as 8 onest% gu'9. Ce told im e needed (ermission to ( otogra( anyt ing. !5s (al ex(lained t at e already ad% &een told it *as o$ay% &ut t e &lo$e called t e co(sters and t ey said e needs t eir (ermission along *it a (olice escort to ( otogra( anyt ing at all in Edin&urg . Cu G I at a&out t e undreds of t ousands of tourists in t e centre of to*n e'ery yearG I ne'er t oug t to as$. -ut I su((ose t ey5re ta$ing s ots of o&'ious landmar$s% t e usual monuments etc. Just as I5'e often done for dra*ings% (aintings. Sometimes I t in$ ! is good at a round ro&in *ay of disagreeing. It5s a * ile since I5'e used t at ridiculous ( rase. I at5s *rong *it rounda&outG

4NK

I5m getting &ored out of my mind *it t is s it% descri&ing it% &ut may&e I5m 6ust tired. I feel it5s necessary at t e moment% * ile I ma$e u( my mind * at my next mo'e s ould &e% as *ell as el( me ma$e u( my mind in general. It5s more interesting to (ut t ings toget er in t e more a&stract sense% ideas+*ise% not t at t is is a (lay on ideas, it5s a matter of sur'i'al and sustaining a sense of o(timism along *it a (ositi'e mental outloo$. Same t ingG It5s a&out sustaining mental ealt too% unli$e t ose fruit and nut6o&s. !I as is c aracter in 0P ma$e some great o&ser'ations% &ut as I say% I5m not u( to t at rig t no*. !om(arisons *it t e t emes of t e !ourse and Ia(nic$ came to mind% an easy tem(tation I su((ose% &ut ;uite unmista$a&le. !I tal$s a&out t e mind (arasites existing in t e lo*er su&conscious de(t s of t e mind% in t e oceanic realms. / ere are (arallels t ere *it Ia(nic$5s article / e #i'er% as *ell as ot er t emes in t e no'el% &ut it5s a * ile since I read t e article so I5ll lea'e it till t en% if I remem&er, I5'e still to finis t e no'el as it is% ugely entertaining and interesting+ as it is. It5s ard to &elie'e it5s almost 3> years since I read it, I *as nineteen. I5m tem(ted to congratulate myself on my good taste. I dou&t !I *ould &e as accommodating. I5m sure anyt ing I mig t say *ould only irritate im. / at% and as e5s reco'ering from a stro$e% I *ouldn5t *ant to feel I5m assling or u(setting im 7 my di(lomatic *ay of also saying I t in$ t at as a =ty(ical5 intellectual% e5s too full of is o*n ideas, e5s not truly o(en+ minded% certainly not to t e t oug t+system of t e !ourse. 3ne area I can remar$ on *it out going too dee(ly into it is is long+ term (reoccu(ation *it =t e (o*ers of t e mind5, t ere are many exam(les of t is in 0P% *ritten * en e *as only t irty+six. / e central c aracters% (rotagonists% * ate'er of t e no'el come to de'elo( t eir mental (o*ers, t is consists of P)+ (syc o$inesis, t e a&ility to influence o&6ects t roug t e mind alone. "ny (erce(ti'e !ourse student $no*s &y no* t at =(syc ic5 a&ilities can &e used &y eit er t e ego or t e Coly S(irit, t ey are no measure of s(iritual de'elo(ment, I5m sure !I $no*s t is too% or came to. I at e5s ne'er ta$en on &oard or came to fully realise% if at all% is t at de'elo(ing ones (o*ers of concentration%

4NM

mo'ing o&6ects *it t e =mind5 etc.% is 0 to do *it * at t e mind is for 7 e'en in t e no'el e conflates t e &rain *it t e mind% t oug e is a*are of t e mind as an inde(endent entity% distinct from s(ace and time. -ut anyt ing t e =mind5 learns to do% t e 0I!+ military+industrial+com(lex tries to utilise for its o*n (ur(oses in any case% or% to (ut it anot er *ay% it *ill &e i6ac$ed for t e (ur(oses of t e ego and *ar. -ut yes% e is t at su&tle and remar$a&le. / e (ur(ose of t e mind is to disengage from t e ego &y unco'ering and letting go of su&conscious guilt, t e (ro&lem of t e *orld is t e &elief in guilt, t e *orld *as made &y guilt and is sustained &y t e &elief in guilt. I t in$ e5d ant ro(omor( ise t is% seeing it as o'erly su&6ecti'e 7 or indicati'e of a guilty conscience (er a(s% missing t e (oint entirely. "nd may&e 6ust too goddamn 2reudian for is li$ing. -ut as *e all a'e t is uge ontological guilt o'er t e unconscious &elief in a'ing not only se(arated from .od &ut a'ing murdered im% *e no* &elie'e e *ants to &rea$ into t e dream and murder us. / e * ole murderous dream of t e *orld comes from t is% and gras(ing and di'erting *as(s and &ees *it t e mind% demonstrating one5s gro*ing a&ilities% sensing t eir anger and exas(eration+ t e amusing and interesting section I5m at in t e no'el% *on5t ma$e an iota of difference to t e seeming (ro&lem of guilt% o*e'er illusory. It *ould &e andy t oug . / at and learning to un oo$ &rassieres *it out touc ing t em% say.

6ugust Thursday I forgot to mention t e older &lo$e in red *it t e (i(e% in is sixties (ossi&ly% stays 6ust off t e &ottom of Scotland St% near t e corner. I5d seen im t ere a num&er of times in (assing% o'er t e mont s% *ell &efore all t is =gs5 cra( started u( &ig time again. Ce5d stand in is entrance*ay% (uffing a*ay, I assumed is *ife isn5t $een on t e (utrid (ong of it inside. Ce could stand t ere in is entrance*ay% contem(lating t e relati'e success of is life in a (lus (lace off a no* ;uite famous street% courtesy of "lexander

4NN

0c!all Smit . I5'e ne'er read is Scotland Street no'els &ut I do a'e one or t*o, I5'e 6ust ne'er got around to reading t em. I5m sure t ey5re * olly inoffensi'e to anyone% &ut engagingly amusing, I t in$ t ey5d a'e to &e to &e serialised in a Scottis ne*s(a(er, try getting t is lot serialised in t e local (a(er, fat c ance. So muc for nurturing local talent. "ny*ay% on t e rare occasions I *ent &y t at *ay% I5d gi'e im a little nod &ac$% or came to, I (ro&a&ly en'ied is set+u(% no dou&le meaning intended 80y mista$e9. Puffing a*ay on t at (i(e% ta$ing in t e e'ening% e ga'e t e im(ression of a man *it not a care in t e *orld% or at least not ing too (ressing. I (assed again recently% or *as a&out to% ex(ecting somet ing to &e t ere as I came to t e corner, and not 6ust im. " car (assed 6ust as I came to im% so I (ut my foot on t e stairs in front% did a moc$ s oelace tying mo'ement% remar$ed on it 7 a car going &y 6ust as I (ass im. Ce smiled serenely% didn5t say anyt ing. S ortly after% *al$ing do*n t e ste(s to /esco5s% t ere e is% sitting on t e &enc % in off+red trousers, a sort of &rig t maroony. Per a(s full red *ould5'e &een too garis . It seemed 'ery unli$ely% to say t e least. I remar$ed on t at too% saying e5s surely too old to &e ta$en in &y t is <HP% =anc oring cra(5 7 t oug t at isn5t t e (oint I su((ose. If (eo(le are as$ed% t ey5ll do t e =community5% =(atriotic5 t ing% and (artici(ate. -ut I couldn5t &e sure in t is instance, again% it5s t e matter of timing, t at it *as so close to t e last time. Ce got u( as is *ife emerged *it t e s o((ing or sim(ly a((eared on cue. "not er afternoon% * ic I may *ell a'e touc ed on% a'ing forgotten t is% I5m a((roac ing t e &ottom of Scotland Street from t e ot er side% t e Rodney Street side. / ere5s a (lay (ar$ area and 6ogging (at s * ere t e old a&andoned rail*ay tunnel is, I *atc ed a #isco'ery ! annel (rogramme on Edin&urg not so long ago, it leads to Ia'erly Station in t e centre of t e to*n% t oug it5s &loc$ed off at eac side, you can see in t oug % if (art*ay. / ere *as some ot er significance I5'e forgotten, somet ing *as stored t ere during t e *ar, may&e (eo(le sle(t t ere li$e t ey did in t e Hondon 1nderground during t e -lit?. <o% it *as somet ing else. I5d mentioned it some* ere% (er a(s it *as (art of t e *riting I lost.

>00

<o(e% it *as (art of an email. If I e'er find it I5ll include it some* ere Q I loo$ed o'er to t e to( of t e (at , as li$ely as not a 6ogger *ould a((ear. / e (leasant old gentleman *al$ed outQ " first. #ou&ts remo'ed. Someone as &een ringing my &u??er recently% in t e daytime. <o &ig deal% exce(t I5m rarely ex(ecting anyone. It5s al*ays (ossi&le it mig t &e #% t e &lo$e * o sold me t e &i$e 7 e5d emailed me again recently% &ut I did say if e comes &y to &u?? t*ice. Ce mig t &e 6ust an idiot &ut t at seems unli$ely. 3n t e ot er and I *ouldn5t (ut it (ast im, e doesn5t (ay attention% al*ays as somet ing to (ro'e% mainly is intellectual su(eriority. Ce5s a ty(ical ( ysicalist% &lissfully com(lacent in is (reconce(tions, same old same old. -ut e can &e el(ful. Ce5s fallen out *it someone o'er some relati'ely minor issue to do *it com(uter com(onents, a more intelligent% or at least o(en+ minded Indian &lo$e I met in t e same (lace+ Co(etoun5s t e c arity * ere *e can all go for a meal * en *e5re s$int. I adn5t seen # for a * ile mainly &ecause I a'en5t &een going, I5m a &it out of t e *ay for im ere. It5s al*ays (ossi&le e5s ad some =gs -S5% for e5s ad some arassment &efore, cyclists cutting &y im at close range 8t e acti'ist and &roadcaster "lex Jones remar$ed on t e same t ing9, e *atc ed one &lo$e *aiting for im so e could do it again, t is is * at t ey do. -efore t is e didn5t &elie'e me * en I descri&ed t is artificial sync ronicity% co'ert slo* $ill agenda t at5s going on, not t at I called it t at t en, I5m (ara( rasing from one of #e&ora #u(re5s articles. Ce could see t e (seudo+sync ronistic -S as *e *al$ed to and from my flat rig t into Heit Ial$ again% t en% as *e *al$ed u( it% t e same again. I *as still loo$ing for c ea( cameras at t e time% so e suggested loo$ing in a c arity s o(% t oug I *asn5t $een% and I *as rig t. "s *e came out t e s o( one of t e small (aramedic 'ans s ot &y% siren timed to &e on 6ust as *e (assed% or% =alternati'ely5% 6ust as *e came out. I don5t t in$ # e'en (ic$ed u(on it. It5s no *onder t is co'ertly aggressi'e system is 'irtually

>01

in'isi&le to t e general (u&lic, it may as *ell &e, t e rest 6ust 6oin in% =good citi?en5 and =(u&lic ser'ant5 ali$e. I could (oint out =t is or t at5 'e icle door *ould &e slammed s utLclosed in time for us going &y, e didn5t &elie'e t is% so I ad im sto( in t e (rocess as I said it to im to em( asise t e unli$eli ood of it &eing coincidence * en *e did go &y, t at it *as in a sense irrele'ant o* *e got t ere or * en, a &lo$e standing &y a large 'an *it someone else% e did t e tell+ tale glance to c ec$ my (osition as *e got closer% so e *ould time it rig t. I on$ed my (artially idden clo*n+ orn 6ust as e did it. I5m sure t e (ur(ose of t ose cyclistsL5gs5 yo&s t at *ere arassing% intimidating im is to scare im a*ay% $ee( me isolated. It mig t e'en s(read to im and t e (eo(le e $no*s% li$e t e contagion of atred it is% t oug I t in$ it5s more li$ely to a'e &een 'ery s ort term, e didn5t mention anyt ing t e last time I sa* im. "ny*ay% e as$ed me if I *anted an easel. I5'e ne'er &ot ered *it an easel, I mostly a'e to lean my el&o* or side of my and against t e (a(er to $ee( it steady enoug , not t at I a'e =t e s a$es5 or anyt ing, it5s al*ays &een a &it of a mystery to me o* any artist can do detailed *or$ using an u(rig t easel% &ut t ere it is. / e (a(er as to lie flat for =*et in *et5 (ainting in any case. "ny*ay% I t oug t it *ouldn5t do any arm to acce(t, t at and o&lige im to follo* t roug % see if e meant it. It mig t de(end on is (resuming I5d &e &ac$ at Co(etoun more often t an I a'e &een. It5s all 'ery inconse;uential really. / e irony is I5'e found im to &e a ty(ical cra?yma$er% a time*aster. "s to * oe'er &u??ed my door% I *as t in$ing t is mig t &e come&ac$ for my &u??ing t e flats t e =gs5 minions *ent into after t ey5d accom(lis ed t eir allotted little destructi'e tas$ of t e day or t e moment 7 or left a flatLclose in t e (rocess of it. Someone ere also as t e a&it of oo$ing &ot doors o(en% (resuma&ly for fres air% ne'er mind security, it meant * oe'er it *as t at &u??ed me could come straig t u( t e stairs% catc ing me una*ares% only% I5d 6ust got to t e &edroom at t e time to loo$ out

>02

t e *indo*% deciding t e &at room *as too =ris$y5. -ut it5s (ro&a&ly 6ust some arse% some *ise guy loo$ing to gaslig t. It mig t5'e &een a rare 'isitor t oug % suc as ". ! next door said as muc , t at5s it5s (ro&a&ly 6ust some dor$: E#oes Jo n li'e ereGF I can5t imagine !I s(ending is time doing s it li$e t at, and s it li$e t is for t at matter% &ut it all de(ends, t ere are some (assing resem&lances to / e Iorld of 4iolence% (u&lis ed &ac$ in 1NB4. Cis (rotagonist Cug .reen e'en got a gun% &ut t ro*s it a*ay later. ! next door *as in at t e time, e got is trainers on and came out s ortly after, I eard im, e *anted to see * o it *as% e said% &ut * en e got do*nstairs t ey *ere gone. It5s (ossi&le t ey *ent t roug t e *or$s o((osite. I forgot to say I5'e &een ma$ing some (a(er (lanes too from s$etc &oo$s I &oug t, ty(ical of me t at I use t em not to s$etc &ut find anot er use for t em% scri&&le different messages on t em or t e same aimed at different (eo(le I mean, t e cyclists% t e 6oggers% t e dog *al$ers% t e taxi+ca&s% and not least% =gangstal$ing5 neig &ours in general. 0ay&e I did say, I5m getting slee(y no*% a'en5t *ritten 'ery muc % com(arati'ely *it recent days. I *atc ed a documentary on serial $iller Carold S i(man on ! annel >. I t in$ most *ere generally agreed% t e (syc ologists any*ay% t at t e =origin5 of is murderous &e a'iour lay *it is mot er. / e origin lay *it t e decision e made in is mind as to * et er e c ose t e ego or t e Coly S(irit. Cis mot er% as *ell as is unfortunate 'ictims% *as a (ro6ection of is mind% as is e imself. / e &ody is in t e mind% not t e ot er *ay a&out. Hater% I *atc ed some e(isodes of 2amily .uy and "merican #ad. I didn5t $no* t em or could &arely recall any, t at made me not *ant to miss t em. I did some dra*ing &efore it, I t oug t it *as a&out time. I5ll ne'er &uild u( more *or$ if I don5t do it% and regularly. / at sentence ma$es no sense% &ut you $no* *ot I mean. I5'e &een *riting to t e 'irtual detriment of almost e'eryt ing else exce(t reading and some /4. I find myself t in$ing of o* I mig t &e ludicrously (rolific if I can% telling myself I5ll *rite ten (ages a day for at least t*o undred days of t e year, t e e;ui'alent of eig t &oo$s% or four long ones, or t*o

>03

uge ones. 3r ten s ort ones. I ate'er t e case% it *ould &e dou&le -al?ac5s (roducti'ity *it in t e same time (eriod% or t e same *it in alf t e time. Ce *rote M0 no'els in 20 years. I a'e a &iogra( y of -al?ac &y 4 S Pritc ett% t e s ort story *riter &ut it seems to a'e 'anis ed from t e s elf, I a'e no idea * at I5'e done *it it at all. 40 no'els of sorts o'er 20 years *ould more t an suffice. It *ill a'e to, I can5t see me gi'ing u( (ainting entirely% for t e sa$e of *riting. I (racticed and (ainted until I reac ed ;uite a ig standard of s$ill, it *ould &e a (ity to 6ust t ro* it a*ay. It5s true I find ideas% information% learning and unlearnin % clarity% t e most interesting% com(elling t ing to occu(y me% &ut I do also really en6oy (ainting sometimes, it5s a *orld all its o*n% as is most 'ocations. I li$e t e feel of t e *atercolour (a(er as I5'e said% t e feel of t e (encil lead on it too% and t e *ay t e colours flo* and mix. / e irony is I defeat my o*n (ur(ose t roug t e almost constant sense t at t ere5s little t at5s original a&out it or t at can5t &e done &y anyone else. / at * ate'er su&6ect I c oose% anyone else could c oose it and (aint it, t at t ere5s not ing intrinsically =uni;ue5 or remar$a&le a&out (ainting at all, it is * at it is, usually a ;uite sim(le idea. I loo$ at 4ogel5s (aintings and I5m a*are of t e ig le'el of intelligence it too$ to (aint t em% as *ell as is incredi&le s$ill and confidence% &ut I still find myself *ondering * et er it *as *ort t e effort. -ut I only need to t in$ of some of t em% lot5s in fact% to $no* I5m 6ust glad e did t em% as are t ousands of (eo(le, millions for all I $no*. / e ;uestion for me is if it5s *ort it. Sometimes I t in$ I s ould discard my dou&ts and ;uestions% t e =t oug t+riddled nature5 and 6ust en6oy it for its o*n sa$e. It5s * en I t oug t of it in terms of &eing (rolific for t e sa$e of money t at it &ecame a c ore% as I say. "nd it5s so easy to sli( into suc a state of mind I find% if understanda&le under t e circumstances. It5s not as if !I *asn5t moti'ated &y money as muc as *riting. Ce said e only *rote / e 3ccult for t e money% &ut I dou&t e *as &eing * olly candid% as is is *ay I5'e found. It5s as li$ely it *as is *ay of seeming to distance imself from is long+term (reoccu(ation *it t e (aranormal and t e occult. Ce li$es to (resent imself as

>04

a scientist. I &elie'e e is. Ce can also &e disingenuous. I5m &ac$ to !I againQ Ce and is *riting *ere in my t oug ts for o'er t*o decades until I disco'ered t e !ourse. "not er t*o decades later and I5m still seeing t e similarities as *ell as t e differences. Painting can seem irrele'ant &y com(arison. I5'e &een determined to do some ;uic$ s$etc ing after t e lig tening+;uic$ efforts I did for t e &ac$s of a fe* (rints recently% &ut not at ;uite t e same s(eed t is time. I loo$ed out some ( otos I li$ed% t e centre of to*n% &usy scenes, dra*ing it nearly $illed me. I did one * ile I listened to .idco on B 0usic. It *as o'erly com(licated% ;uite a lot of *or$ in a small s(ace, t e sort of t ing I5d ta$e days to do &efore% co(ying it (ainsta$ingly. <o*% finally% *it older age and (ractice% I can feel more rec$less a&out it. I5d li$e to feel $ami$a?e a&out art in general% (aint * ate'er t e ell I li$e in * ate'er *ay I li$e. "ny*ay% it too$ around an our and a alf. I could as easily a'e dra*n it dou&le t e si?e+ a alf+s eet. It5s &etter for (ainting too. I li$e t e loo$ of (encil &ut am (rone to s(oiling it using too ea'y (aint 7 * ic is fine if t ere5s little dra*ing, and t at5s often &een t e case% &ut I *anted to s$etc % as I say. I5ll do a &unc t en sto(% alternate *it somet ing else. I5ll try and &uild u( a &unc for craft fairs% t oug really% I5d (refer larger (aintings in galleries of course. I *as almost t ere% and a num&er of times. I $e(t sa&otaging it% or &eing far too nonc alant. "t ot er times I *as in t e (rocess of mo'ing to anot er flat% or co(ing *it some engineered crises. "s *it anyt ing else% it5s a matter of (erse'erance. Sometimes I feel all (layed out% &ut after a nig t5s slee(% it5s anot er day. Ent usiasm can &e self+regenerating. I also feel a certain gratitude t at I a'e t ese gifts% t e a&ility to (roduce t ings% not &e * olly reliant on t ings outside myself for a 'ocation in t e *ay most (eo(le are reliant on finding *or$. I can sim(ly (roduce it. I am t e Ior$. / e t oug t of reading alone% studying% and all t e unread &oo$s I a'e% t e &oo$s I *ant to reread and a'e yet to disco'er fills me *it a $ind of exaltation. / e t oug t of all t e 2acim material alone t at I5'e yet to ex(lore% is enoug in itself. It (uts e'eryt ing else into (ers(ecti'e. I don5t ;uite $no* * ere my mind *ould &e *it out

>0>

it. I5ll ne'er &e a 4ogel no* &ut I can5t see myself gi'ing u( (ainting% e'en t oug I5'e &arely (ainted o'er t e (ast four years. I feel a ne* lease of effort coming on. / e lengt and intended sco(e of t is (resent *riting is (ro&a&ly a reflection of t at. I5ll a'e to $ee( it *it in &ounds% as *ell as &e a*are of my imitations.

"at$ 2$=2am Q"s #irty Carry mig t say% it *as t e day of t e stu(id today. #ay of t e =Hi'ing5 Stu(ids. Hife in a Scotc Hoony -in. I *is I could $ee( my sense of umour at t e time% under duress. I t in$ it *as (artly due to mentioning * at # ad told me &efore, t ugs on &i$es lying in *ait for im% li$e rats *aiting to mo& a $itten. I5m loosely (ara( rasing !I from 0P. It5s al*ays too easy to loo$ for reasons to 6ustify anger% and may&e t at did it% in t at I let it do it% still fres in my mind. " *arm day% t ey *ere out in force% (redicta&ly, t e (redicta&le (redators. Predicta&le after I5d stayed in for t*o days in a ro*. Suc &e a'iour may *ell &e ;uite alien to t em. It is to me too% in t at it5s nice to go out for a *al$% t oug e'en &efore all t is cra( started u( I5d c ide myself for not going out for *al$s enoug for t e sa$e of t e exercise and fres air. I t in$ it mig t &e alien to t em in t at one only stays in to (lay 'ideo games or * ate'er t e ell (eo(le do *it J+-ox% say. It5s t e *orld =out t ere5 t at5s real% not t e *orld of t e mind. / e only (ur(ose of study is to get grades% a

>0B

*ell+(aid 6o&% learning and (arroting * at e'eryone else does and t in$s. Iorld of !lone. / at5s o* it seems to me any*ay. I got t e &us u(to*n% *ent to t e estate agent% (aid t e rent% t en out again% $ee(ing my eye on t e road and side streets% o((ed on anot er &us, I5d &oug t a daysa'er tic$et. I5d almost regretted it% $no*ing it *as ;uite late in t e day and realising I could catc u( on most t ings &y (ost% (ay &y card etc. I ad t e usual idiot (osse% s ado*ing me t e * ole time. -i$es crisscrossing% (assing e'ery* ere% li$e some insane (arody of / e /ruman S o* and t en some. "t t e ti( of t e 0ound I could see it *as (ac$ed% no s(aces at all% e'en if I ad *anted to try and fly(itc . I5d t oug t t ey5d &e out a fe* days later &ut t e 2ringe festi'al as already &egun I t in$. <o sign of 2 t at I could see. Ce *as intentionally rude% =offensi'e5 &efore% so fuc$ im. !utting my nose to s(ite my face &ut t at5s t e *ay t e story goes. I t oug t I5d get myself u( to /ollcross% get t e latest issue of <exus if it *as out yet, it5s &een a * ile. I ad to cross t e street again to use a !as (oint% $ee(ing my eyes o(en for s it and s enanigans. " yo&&y+loo$ing &lo$e came &y * ile I *as t ere *it is yo&&y dogs. I dro((ed a fe* -ig 2un sna(s% t en s(un around% loo$ed at im% u(% around% * ate'er. Ie can all (lay t e smartarse. / en% u( to Scotmid% &i$es e'ery* ere% and one (us ing (ast me, t is is * y t ese mini+ex(losi'es are so useful. I toss or flic$ one or t*o% turn and loo$ in t e *indo* of t e c arity s o(, t ey a'e a good line in funny Scottis t emed cards.

"aturday 2=:* +m Q " tall minion is outside Scotmid% detac ing is &i$e from t e lam((ost% timed as I arri'e. I attac a stic$er to it 6ust as e mo'es off% stand and *atc im, e ignores me. / ey5re su(erior to t eir targets% you see, *e5re 6ust so muc scum * en it suits t em, I toss a funny sna( after im% go into t e store to see security *al$ing &y% an Indian% (ro&a&ly *atc ing. #istracted as I am at t e c ec$out I notice t ere5s t e s a(e of only t e

>0K

tam&ourine in my ot er s o((ing &ac$, no (ra*ns. / e distraction is t roug t e ridiculously good+loo$ing young s o( assistant. S e as to &e one of !I5s =su&ur&an !leo(atra5s5 as descri&ed in / e 0an Iit out a S ado*% for s e can (ass for one, s e seems to &e as nice as s e5s attracti'e, I5d say (retty% and s e is% &ut I tend to t in$ of (retty as delicate too. S e5s o&'iously intelligent &ut no intellectual. S e5s &etter loo$ing t an most female (o( stars% t oug s e does a'e t e air, it5s a &it li$e t at (ortrait in !loc$*or$ 3range t at sold millions, of t e S(anis girl, *e ad it too. S e5s too young for me% (ro&a&ly% t oug s e could &e in er mid+t*enties. I couldn5t afford er any*ay. " (ity% for s e seems to li$e me, * o *ouldn5tG -ut I digress. E'ents are &lurring again, I *as out today too% and t is is yesterday I5m descri&ing. "ny*ay% I got do*n to t e traffic lig ts or so% sa* t e &lo$e *it is &i$e% standing on t e ot er side some distance a*ay, it *as o&'ious e *as *aiting on me. / e assum(tion often seems to &e t at I a'en5t noticed t em% as if I5m some $ind of uman goldfis t at forgets t e ongoing situation from moment to moment% or store to store 8/ ere5s some trut in t is9. 3r t ere5s sim(ly not ing I can do a&out it. Ce started mo'ing as I crossed% *al$ing in my direction% (us ing t e &i$e. I et er e mo'ed in*ards or I stuc$ to t e same side% I can5t recall. 3r can IG I ate'er t e case% e *as% (redicta&ly% coming directly to*ards me. Ce *ent for t eir common strategy% (retending t at of all t e (eo(le and traffic e ad to circumna'igate t at afternoon% I *as t e one e a((ened 6ust not to notice as *e &ore do*n on eac ot er, is mo&ile+( one ser'ed as t e (retext, is eyes *ere glued to it. "s e came into my s(ace% or I into is% de(ending on one5s inter(retation% I sim(ly (us ed im out of t e *ay. I forgot my o*n strengt . "s e *as on my rig t% I (us ed im *it my left and, e staggered side*ays% only% I didn5t see t at * ile I $e(t *al$ing, * at I did see as I turned &riefly as *ell as eard it% *as is &i$e clattering as it it t e (a'ement% *it im on to( of it. "n old &lo$e standing outside t e (u& said% ECey * at *as t at forOF / e young &lo$e (us ing t e &i$e *as 8coffee+9 coloured. " &ad c oice for me as it could loo$ racist% (ro&a&ly did for some. / ey

>0M

can and do use e'ery card t ere is. I su((ose% from anot er angle% it mig t demonstrate a certain =no+nonsense5 attitude on my (art, t at I *on5t &e sentimental or mani(ulated &y t e race card. 1nfortunately% ot er (eo(le can &e. I could see t e a((re ensi'e% sus(icious loo$s as I (assed t e &us sto(, t e (erfect (icture of some sort of (ro&lem c aracter *it a uge c i( on is s oulder. Sometimes I t in$ (eo(le are only t is stu(id &ecause t ey *ant to &e. / e reality of / eir u(side+do*n *orld is too muc to contem(late. I5'e 6ust realised somet ing. I5d assumed I5d &oug t a co(y of <exus 0aga?ine earlier% t at it *as lost at some (oint &et*een t en and t e su(ermar$et and &ac$, I5d e'en assumed I must a'e dro((ed it. <o* I realise I got some cas &ac$ on my card for it and *ent straig t into t e Pa$istani s o( and &oug t a co(y. It s ould &e ere. It 6ust mig t &e. 0y mind5s a &lan$ as to it after t at+ exce(t I &oug t anot er co(y today% a'ing assumed t e (re'ious co(y landed on t e (a'ement &efore% along *it t e &i$e. "nd * at a((ened to t e (ra*ns I5d &oug t earlierG "t least I still a'e my tam&ourine, some* ere. / ere5s &een t is s it all t e time. / e distraction can &e effecti'e% as I5'e said, the constant interference to ones train of thou ht% the ne)t natural move. !f your mind is anticipatin constant a ravation' havin to scan your environment constantly' $e always alert for more than avera e' its no *onder the *$i er picture can $ecome somewhat o$scured alon with other everyday details. I *as al*ays a&sent+minded at t e &est of times% my mind often on ot er t ings% * et er it5s an interesting train of t oug t or a s a(ely &ac$side. 3utside in t e street as al*ays &een distracting as it is% as .erard Sorme *ell $ne* in / e 0an Iit out " S ado*. It5s (ro&a&le I left t e maga?ine on a &us, I5d got a =daysa'er5 as I say, I *as doing a lot of &us o((ing. If I find I a'e t*o% I5ll eat my face. <o% I5ll gi'e one a*ay% t oug to &e onest% most of t e (eo(le I $no* are suc &ores or so con'entional in outloo$ t ey a'e no interest in =alternati'e5 information mags. I did send a co(y to my dad once. I at *as I t in$ingG / ere *ere some articles I t oug t *ere es(ecially

>0N

interesting. I tend to forget t at most (eo(le are set in t eir *ays and interests &y t e time t ey5re 21. "genda 21. Ce5s (ro'ed to &e little exce(tion in some *ays, e as is moments. -ut I digress. -y im(ulse% I o((ed on t e first &us t at came% got off 6ust (ast t e 1ni'ersity% *ent to t e &ig Safe*ay5s in Sout !ler$ St% ad some *iseacre cut me off 6ust as I mo'ed from t e line to get ser'ed, a matter of a fraction of a second interru(tion% sto((ing me in my trac$s for a moment. Ce5d o&'iously &een *atc ing from some* ere to t e side% or *as guided &y someone in t e store. I en I *as at t e c ec$out an assistant sto((ed to tal$ *it t e girl ser'ing me, I5d as$ed t e assistant 6ust earlier if s e could tell me * ere I could find somet ing, colesla*. !oincidence or mind game, you decide. " &i$ester came &y on t e (a'ement outside% (us ing it% t en &et*een t*o (ar$ed cars to get out on t e road, directly o((osite me as I came out of course. I *al$ed &e ind im% *aited till e5d found a s(ace in t e traffic to get on is &i$e% and on$ed im as e *ent off. Small t ings for small minds e G / e usual crisscrossing (osse of &i$es% (ri'ate ca&s on t e corners 7 t ey *ere 'ery (rolific at it today too. / ey5re t ere *it monotonous regularity% as *it t e rest of t em. / ere5s al*ays cars% taxis coming in &y me% dri'ing off from a sto(% 1+turns, again it5s so fre;uent it all &lands 7 &landsG 7 &lends into eac ot er% &ut it5s clear t e constant reinforcement of t e goal of sensitisation% t e attem(t to =create5 ( o&ias is t e unrelenting agenda. / ey a&solutely ex(ect it to *or$, it5s &een =scientifically (ro'en5 and% t is is t eir =ne*5 religion% t ey5re fanatical a&out carrying it out. I5m to &e destroyed 7 end of story. / e comedy &eige comet . I5m more miffed a&out losing my (ra*ns and mag, &ut I5'e lost memoryLdata+stic$s too. "nd I forget ot er t ings% a'ing (re'iously reminded myself of t e im(ortance of t em. It comes &ac$ to me no*% t at it5s &est to *rite a list% in (eace and (ri'acy% needless to say. Instead% I5'e &een *riting out messages on stic$ers to (laster e'ery* ere. "nd " as &een remo'ing t em as

>10

I disco'ered 6ust earlier% t e asinine% o&tuse &itc . EIt5s rude%F s e said. Des t ey are% "% yes t ey are. <ot t at s e let on s e $ne* it *as me% and neit er did I% &ut I a'e mentioned t e situation. Cer ans*er *as to say if it *ere s e% s e5d 6ust get t e (olice. Co um. / e minions really made a (oint of focusing on t at area% t e corner of Edin&urg "rts% and crossing t e s ort lane to t e 3ld :uad &uilding of t e uni'ersity. I5'e dra*n and (ainted it numerous times. I t oug t -lac$*ells 8formerly / ins -oo$s o(9 mig t a'e a co(y of <exus, t ey5d sold t em &efore% &ut t ere *ere only 2esti'al mags, I didn5t ang around% &ro*se% I *as feeling tired *it t e *al$ing already and it5s &een 'ery *arm for t e most (art% as no*. "s I came to t e corner of t e &oo$s o( to cross t e road on t e same side% a (olice car *as sitting t ere on t e ot er side% mo'ed off rig t a*ay &ut slo*ly, t e streets are 'ery &usy during 2esti'al time. / e last t ing t ey *ant to do is s(latter some *ort y innocent all o'er t e road for t e li$es of yours truly% a *ort less &ag of s ite. "gain% it5s clear t e im(ostors in uniform a'e em&raced t is sterile system. "lmost simultaneously% t ere *as someone running &e ind% laug ing% touc ing me lig tly at t e same time... ESorry E 0ore su&tle arassment% timed as it *as directed% to $ee( you on edge% $ee( your adrenalin le'els u(% affect you ( ysiologically. It all seems (retty armless% &lending into e'eryday e'ents, it5s e'en funny, they mostly find it funny. It5s (leasant to feel you5re su(erior% t at t e (oor suc$er doesn5t a'e a clue. / e funniest (art for me *as t at t ey did it 7 t ere *ere t*o% *omen 7 at t e same time as I on$ed t e (olice% or a s(lit+second later, I eard a startled E3 OF 3ddly% t ey sto((ed and leaned against t e *all as if out of &reat % one of t em loo$ing at me% smiling. I t in$ t e su(ercilious &int said ESorryF again. It seems to &e some $ind of attem(ted emotional dou&le &lind. 1nless t ey5re ones * o mean it% &ut I dou&t t at. EI5m sure you are%F I re(lied. / ey came &y * en I *as *aiting at t e &us sto( fart er do*n, only% t ey didn5t *al$ in front of me &ut *ent &e ind it. "lert% I5d seen t em% on$ed t em again% reac ing my arm around to do it. I did it *it &i$es t at came &y too% t oug I5m sure it5s * at t eir andler

>11

*ould5'e *anted% as *it t e 6oggers. Ca. / e &us seemed to go all o'er t e (lace for a * ile% and t en I *as at t e to( of 0orningside. 3ne of t ose cars *it t e &oat s a(e luggage rac$ on to( came &y, t ere5s lots of t ose% and too often. If I e'er ad any dou&ts% intersecting at corners remo'ed t em, t at and t e rounda&out recently+ t e same one coming &ac$ again. I *as getting to 0orningside * ere I *anted to &e% so got off% &ut missed t e sto( &y letting some "merican tourists% female% get &y first after t ey got on. I ad t e im(ression t e dri'er ad seen me, I *as rig t t ere. If I *ere a *oman e5d a'e seen me. / ey tend to &e nice *it *omen% amia&le% c atty% es(ecially if t ey5re attracti'e. /ry getting on if you5re a &lo$e and don5t a'e your c ange for t e fare ready, t ey dri'e off any*ay% lea'ing you to &alance yourself at t e same time. "s do t e *omen dri'ers% older. Some are o$ay of course% &ut mostly t ey5re =losers5 li$e t e rest of t e council *or$ers, s(ecialness rules t e *orld. I5ll amend t is &y saying it often de(ends on o* you loo$% * et er clean+s a'en or =scruffy5. It5s t e same *it stores etc. / e assum(tion seems to &e it may not &e a matter of c oice. 3r it5s exactly t at c oice. I *as among semi+secluded u(mar$et su&ur&s on a long loo$ing road. " &lo$e came out of one of t e ouses on t e ot er side as I *as *al$ing to*ards it. I at t e fuc$G I on$ed my orn as e came &y, let im loo$. / en I came to a gra'eyard% a 'ery large one, t ere seem to &e a lot of t ose in Edin&urg % t oug I still don5t $no* t em *ell at all. / e gates *ere o(en% so I *ent in. It *as excellent. I finally felt uno&ser'ed. I at I also found *as t at my mind *as full of it% of t em% t e minions. I *as enmes ed in t oug ts of (ast and future e'ents, t e t oug t t at it *as only a &rief re(rie'e &efore t e =mind (arasites5 (ic$ed u( on t e scent again% trac$ed me. -ut it ga'e me some amusement to t in$ t ey5d =lost5 me again. / ere5d &een no &i$ester trail t is time% 6ust t e odd one% as one mig t ex(ect+ and mig t also ex(ect if t ey *ere still $ee(ing trac$ of me. If t ey *ere% I ex(ected someone *ould a'e come into t e cemetery &ut

>12

no one did. I stayed for a * ile% *al$ing around slo*ly. / ere *ere lots of to((led gra'estones. Some (eo(le a'e no res(ect for t e dead% I t oug t to myself% and t en t e t oug t of t e minions came to me% and my fre;uent attitude to*ard t emQ I too$ a num&er of ( otogra( s. Some of t e gra'estones% *it crosses on t e to(% ad &een to((led in ;uite =artistic5 configurations% (leasing to t e eye. I also li$e t e com&ination of angels and crucifixes from 'arious angles. I got on my $nees to ta$e a more dramatic ( oto of an angel *it a star on er ead, may&e s e re(resented one of t e angels in / e -oo$ of Re'elation. It *as getting cooler. I5d sat and ate t e mixed seafood I5d intended to s(read out for longer *it some &read later, midges (lagued me as I ate it. / e irony. I felt as if I couldn5t get a moments (eace% *is ed I5d &roug t my fly s(ray% or ad an insect net. "t one (oint I t oug t I sa* a 6ogger go &y in t e distance% o'er t e *all at t e &ottom. It *as (erfect timing% for I 6ust caug t t e last glim(se of e or s e flas ing &y. / at *ould &e cle'er I t oug t. I5d &een (icturing * at it mig t &e li$e to s(end t e nig t t ere% &efore t e midges made t emsel'es manifest. I *as already (icturing t e cree(y+cra*lies in t e nig t% and any*ay% it *ould get colder, I adn5t &roug t a (ullo'er% I *as *earing only a t+s irt and t e lig t s ort 6ac$et for any rain, I5d got it from ". S e5d found it in t e &in. S e ga'e me a * ole selection of 6ac$ets &efore% t oug I mainly *ear only t*o. S e (ut t em t roug t e *as of course. S e5s (ractically furnis ed er flat *it t e t ings (eo(le t ro* out. I es(ecially li$ed er s(ot lam(. I t oug t o* funny it *ould &e if I could s(end t e nig t t ere * ile t ey *ondered * ere t e fuc$ I *as. / ey5d already lost t e t read% t e continuity. / ey made suc a &ig deal of it &efore% it must &e a serious glitc for t em * en I sideste( t em and t e matrix% o*e'er tem(orarily, it says t ey5re not ;uite as smart as t ey assume t emsel'es to &e. I also $ne* t ey5d &e * ere t ey ex(ected me to &e% e'entually, t e su(ermar$et on t e *ay &ac$. <ot only t at% &ut t ey5re so mediocre% t at * en I got t ere% intentionally ignoring t e fact% t ey5d (resume it ad ne'er

>13

occurred to me. 2or a moment% I considered getting &ac$ &y as many side streets and roads as I could% see 6ust o* far I could get% do t e unex(ected for once. -ut I *anted to get t e =c ea( eats5 if I could% so t at settled it, same old story. I *ent to t e /esco5s on !olinton Rd% near =Coly !orner5. / ere *ere only a cou(le of &argains. " young &lo$e came out rig t &y me as I came out% t en dou&led rig t &ac$ in% t e arrogant &astard, e *asn5t e'en going to (retend to ma$e t e effort to go * ere e didn5t *ant to. I said% sarcastically to t e &ac$ of is ead as e *as going in E/ at *as *ell timed. E / en% louder% ESee ya laterOF. Ce didn5t loo$. E.angstal$er.F <ot t e &est of come&ac$s. I got t e &us &ac$% *atc ed t e idiot &i$esters con'erge at Scotmid as it *ent &y. / ere *as a sur(rising lac$ of &i$es at t e &ottom of #undas St% t en -randon /errace% &ut it *as getting late &y no*% t e lig t *as going, all t e more reason for me to get &ac$. I *as too late for t e local /esco5s. / ey li$e to finis off my day *it a &i$e last t ing% 6ust to try and &e t e eig t of irritation% t e =last stra*5. I5'e already ex(lained t e illogically and insanity of t is. / ey sent a *oman. I sa* t e &i$e in t e semi+dar$ness &y no*% coming to*ards me% on t e pavement of course. I ga'e it some loud on$s% &ut calm% s(aced. " slim &int in a long coat% (retending to &e (u??led% self+rig teously annoyed e'en, anot er original mind. E... Hoo$s li$e someone *as ex(ecting youF I said. S e smiled% (leased to im(act er target% sto((ed to reinforce it% infuriate% t oug s e5d mo'ed to t e side and *as on t e road no*, s e *asn5t stu(id. 0ission accom(lis ed. E... Dou gangstal$ing murderer%F I added casually% as s e mo'ed off. " male =cyclist5 *it oddly flat features resem&ling a 2ran$enstein monster came &y as I *as coming to t e &ig (end of #unedin Street a fe* yards on% a fre;uent anc oring (oint. Ce5d (assed 6ust earlier% loo$ed in t e ot er direction. "s (eo(le a'e said% * ere t ere5s one around t ere5s ot ers close &y, er &ac$u(. 3ne day I5ll go out *it a silencer and try and ta$e out as many as I can on some &usy intersection% &efore t ey5'e cottoned on, &usy *it t e smartarse &i$esters.

>14

I = ad5 to go &ac$ u( u(to*n to get anot er <exus 0ag% &ut *anted to get to t e li&rary first% for a &oo$ing for an internet session% &ut I5d left it too late. I got online for almost fifteen minutes any*ay after letting a little Indian $id go &efore me in t e cue to ta$e a &oo$ out% t en *as ser'ed &y an Indian assistant, I t in$ s e loo$ed (leased% t oug t at adn5t &een my intention% I adn5t seen er. / e rest is almost too tedious to descri&e if as t*isted as e'er. " stu(id old man on a &i$e coming &y at t e traffic lig ts of t e Iest Port% sto((ing 6ust after me. I tossed a funsna( after im, e colla(sed and died. Hots of noisy motor&i$es% cars re''ing &y at ina((ro(riate s(eed... Hoo$ at meO Hoo$ o* (o*erful% mig ty and scary I amO /*atsQ I c ec$ed out t e art*or$ in t e *indo*s of t e galleries on #undas St on t e *ay &ac$. EJolomoF is still in 'ogue *it is 'aguely (ainted su&6ects. / en *al$ed to*ards t e to( of Scotland Street% cars careful to &e t ere &efore t at% on t e *ay as I *as a&out to cross. I *as a &it slo*% =flas free?ing5% &ac$trac$ing for a fe* yards etc.% as cars came &y% red as often as not% often more t an not. Hoo$ing to*ards Scotland Street I sa* a&out four &i$es come into 'ie*. I on$ed slo*ly as t ey turned t e corner% t en sa* t ere *as someone in &et*een t e (ar$ed cars% said ESorry% man%F feeling friendly. Ce smiled% said E/ at5s o$ay%F as I added% EI5m 6ust u(setting t e timing of t e =gangstal$ing5 =&i$ers5. " remar$ t at didn5t seem to non(lus im in t e least. I t in$ I5m 6ust getting tired. / ere *as a lot of stuff in &et*een, mainly me (utting stic$ers on slic$ly timed car sto(s and starts% t oug I *as (retty &latant a&out it. " cou(le coming out of t e nice flats at t e side of t e (et s o( off Hondon Rd. / e store ad 2esti'al (osters on t eir dou&le+(anelled% t*o+(ronged doors, I stuc$ t e stic$ers on * ite s(ace on t e (osters. " car came in% 6ust as I *as ta$ing off. S e got one too% a (lum( little &int% t is after I stood on t e s(ace% got in er *ay% annoyed er. It could &e c ance, &ut s e *as so snotty a&out it, *it t at telltale self+rig teous tone% I didn5t gi'e er t e &enefit of t e dou&t. I stuc$ it on er &onnet. .oing &y t e c i(s o(% o((osite of * ere I5d stood &efore% a &lo$e came around t e railings &y t e road at

>1>

t e same time% s ort slic$ air% s adesQ toss(ot. I *anted to toss a fe* funsna(s after im &ut it *as 6ust &usy and not &usy enoug to &lend in. / at one *as clearly intentional. Dou mig t &e sur(rised at 6ust o* unli$ely or uncommon suc an occurrence can &e under =normal5 circumstances. It5s a long road. I could5'e (redicted it% already ad in my mind. / e c ances against it are (ro&a&ly astronomical. " matter of mere yards later% a car comes in &y t e $er& as I5m (assing% so I $neel% my foot off t e $er&. / is *as a E*e5ll o(en t e door 6ust after e goes &y%F t is time. I ic is interesting% for getting around t e corner and into !laremont Street earlier% a car ad come in and% *earisomely (redicta&le% o(ened t e door on t e (a'ement side 6ust as I *as coming to it. "gain... a long road. I5m su((osed to &e fooled &y t is% exas(erated t roug (u??lement% &afflement as to * et er it5s gaslig ting or notQ e'ery single time. / is time t oug % it *as in+&et*een a (ar$ing metre and t e end of t e *ide railing t at sto(s for t e o(ening for t e flats &e ind. I5d (lon$ed a stic$er on &ot . I didn5t =s;uee?e5 &y% &ut stood and *aited instead. "n older cou(le% (le&&y+cle'er, t ey &e a'ed as if my *aiting *as to &e ex(ected% t e most natural t ing in t e *orld% as if t ey *ere arri'ing royalty. I must5'e loo$ed as t ic$ as (igs it to t em, and as (lacid. <ot so muc as an =excuse me5 &et*een t em. I stuc$ a stic$er on t eir red car in (assing. Dou5d t in$ t ey mig t a'e missed t at% as innocents *ould% &ut t ey didn5t. Ce came &ac$% c ec$ed it out% * ile s e follo*ed. EIdiotOF e s outed% =outraged5. <ot% EI at t e fuc$ is thisGF I could5'e 6ust gi'en imLt em t e finger% &ut t e ty(ical u(side+do*n =logic5 of it (issed me off. EYoure t e idiot%F I s outed &ac$. E/ is is a lon street. Same old orses it.F I still don5t ;uite get it. #o t ey t in$ &ecause t ey di'ide it &et*een &odies I5ll ne'er ma$e t e connectionG Is it &ecause it5s =ne*5 and no'el to t emG 3r is it sim(ly &ecause my res(onse% =direct5 as it is% any res(onse% is so unex(ectedG "ll of t e a&o'e. "nyone * o asn5t learned snea$yLindirect aggression is a loser5s game is a moron, all t e more so &y t e time you5re getting into your late middle age. I5d *ent t roug t e flats o((osite t em% cut t roug to

>1B

0c#onald Rd% cars and t e rest loo$ing to con'erge at t e corners of t e side roads% (ass as I cross. <o* I sim(ly *ait in &et*een (ar$ed cars sometimes% e'en (retend I5m ste((ing out% &ut more often I can see t e dri'er5s faces at my leisure, t at% and ta$e ( otos as t ey (ass if I *ant. I too$ do?ens of ( otos today% (ointing t e camera at any int of s it at all% and tens of &i$es of course often coming to*ards me as t ey go around t e corners. -ut t ere *as some yo& on a &i$e% coming do*n to meet me as I crossed a street. I adn5t e'en seen im. I sim(ly stuc$ t e camera in is face% too$ a sna(. / at or t e finger sa'es time% effort% and frustration. Ce didn5t say anyt ing% carried on. Ce could al*ays try and get my camera off me. 0y &atteries ran out &efore I got &ac$. I let a taxi annoy me% o&'iously lying in *ait in Rodney Street for me to (ass a side street, e came out% 1+turned so e could come in to*ards me. I on$ed my orn at im% * ereas if I5d ad some 6uice left% I5d a'e ta$en one sna( after t e ot er as I came &y% and *ell &efore t at too% forgetting I could5'e (retended to do t at in any caseO Eit er *ay it5s a matter of t e unex(ected on my (art% s(ea$ing of * ic % a fe* seconds later 7 I5d &arely crossed t e street% and some t*er( *as t ere &e ind me% running to*ards me. I turned loo$ed% e *as coming in too close, I stuc$ t e orn in is face as e (assed, e got it rig t in t e ear% stuc$ is and u( to *a'e it a*ay. -latant can &e &etter t an alf+coc$ed or alf+ earted. Het t em $no* you $no* too. / ey s(read all t e info t ey collect on e'ery res(onse% e'ery action, a little s o'e can go a long *ay.

"unday 6ug 2 #2 It5s an ar&itrary dream% a false timeline. I *rote t at line t is morning% &efore I *ent to &ed. I su((ose e'ery timeline is false in t at time isn5t real. 3n t e ot er and% t e real *orld ta$es (lace in time too% e'en t oug it5s t e reflection of a state of mind+ a different state of mind. -ut rig t no*% t e a*areness% t e constant sense is t at t is situation is 6ust a *aste of time% literally. It doesn5t a'e to &e% it de(ends on * at I c oose to do *it it% t e

>1K

c oices I ma$e. -ut t e minions and t eir directors *ould a'e it &e a stu(id *aste of time and little else. / ey don5t see it t at *ay I5m sure% &elie'ing t ey5re im(ro'ing t e *orld% ridding it of t e (arasites% t e time+*asters% suc$ing u( t e good tax(ayers5 money. / at if I *as any good at * at I did 7 t oug it5s o&'ious I am 7 t en it *ould sell. It as% and yes% it (ro&a&ly *ould if I *as more moti'ated to (us it instead of doing t is% &ut t at5s t e *ay it is rig t no* and as &een for a * ile% stuc$ in t is =&enefits tra(5 * ere t e system (ays for t e relati'ely ig rents I couldn5t (ossi&ly afford rig t no* and neit er *ould I *ant to% unless I ad s(are cas to 6ust t ro* a*ay. -ut t is is t e situation% t e system as it5s come a&out, as ig rents as (ossi&le from =(ri'ate landlords5 t roug estate agents and 6o&s t at *ant to (ay as little as (ossi&le. / ey5d (ay you less if t ey could &ut it5s illegal. / e !at olic ! urc *ould still &urn you too if t ey *ere allo*ed% as R"I (ointed out% &ut t at5s illegal too. "s e said% t ey didn5t c ange t eir (olicy out of t e goodness of t eir eart. I recall% years &ac$% in t e late <ineties in fact% Ic$e saying (art of t e strategy of t e P/- *as to get and $ee( as many (eo(le as de(endent on t e system as (ossi&le% t en (ull t e rug out from under t em. "s I understand it% t oug I didn5t at t e time% t e idea seems to &e t at * en t e riots come% as t ey did% or some of t em did% it *ould gi'e t e system% t e P/-% <I3% call it * at you li$e% t e (retext to introduce furt er draconian la*s. / is *as some years &efore NL11 and *e can see * at5s a((ened since. 0any no* &elie'e NL11 *as central to t e =creation5 of t e (olice state. I don5t t in$ &ureaucrats are o'erly concerned a&out t e &enefits situation, it $ee(s t em in a 6o&, if it *ere to &e * olly dismantled% scra((ed% t ey5d a'e to find anot er 6o&. / e situation didn5t do me muc good% exce(t gi'e me almost all t e time I need to *rite% (aint% read% * ate'er. It *as t e life of Riley% exce(t it ne'er sol'ed anyt ing unless I *ere luc$y enoug to ma$e it &ig% or &ig enoug to get a decent mortgage *it out any trou&le. / at5s &een im(ossi&ility for me for as long as I $no*. / e only ot er o(tion as I5'e said is to find a (lace as c ea( as (ossi&le. / at mig t mean too many stu(id com(romises. It *as

>1M

R t at runs a &oo$s o( t at told me 7 or reminded me 7 t at commune+style li'ing isn5t * at I5m assuming it mig t &e, a =s aring5 community * ere e'eryone is altruistically moti'ated and gets along *it eac ot er. "s e reminded me% it can &e a * ole lot of (etty (o*er struggles% &ic$ering% infig ting% &ac$sta&&ing. Ce didn5t say t at last one &ut I5m sure t at5s * at e meant too. "nd to &e onest% * en I t oug t a&out it% last year or earlier% I en'isaged t is &unc of =crusty5 ty(es% modern day i((ies% *it t eir eads full of silly dri((y+ i((y% alf+&a$ed <e* "ge nonsense alternating *it t e usual ram(ant emotional immaturity and (assi'e+aggression (osing as =s aring and caring5, t at t ey5re really no different from t e rest of t e (o(ulace% t ey 6ust ex(ress t eir internal 'iolence in a more = olistic5 *ay 8lol9. I5'e really (ut myself off no*. / e (ro&lem *it me is I5'e ad conflicting models o'er t e years along *it my conflicting interests and life situations. / e early notion of &eing a mem&er of a &and if t e central one *as al*ays... attracti'e, t at *ay I5d a'e friends on ta( as *ell as =co+creators5% s aring t e 6ourney so to say. Iit financial success% inde(endence% t ere5s all manner of (ossi&ilities, ta$ing off to different countries% or 6ust s ac$ing u( in a ouse in t e country for a * ile 8man9 to *or$ on t at difficult fifteent al&um 7 el(ee, or (ractically li'ing in t e studio for a * ile. In anot er timeline% I did t is, I *as al*ays ca(a&le of it, all *riting% all singing% all dancing. <o* it5s all ell &rea$ing loose and *riting% or 6ust a&out. / ere5s t at ot er% more =considered5 model% &ased on !I, t e =3utsider5% *or$ing alone% dedicated% (ossessed &y a 'ision of (ur(ose. "s e (ointed out long ago% self+disci(line is essential. I assume e meant you a'e to 6ust sit do*n and *rite, t ere5s not ing else for it, =ins(iration5 *on5t come if you *ait on it% are ne'er in a (osition to recei'e it% get it do*n. In s ort% it can come anytime, ideally it *ould &e t ere all t e time. I t in$ it is% *e 6ust need to &e o(en to it, my *riting% my attitude is full of internal &loc$s% unforgi'eness5% ser'ing to strangle t at ;uiet inner 'oice 8E.et t e ell outOF it seems to &e saying9. "s for a model% Ia(nic$5s and 2acim as to &e t e ideal set u(, good *or$ if you can do it. It5s long &een

>1N

successful% a multi+million dollar enter(rise% t oug t at isn5t * at5s im(ortant. / ey t ri'e, e5s a ne'er+ending fount of ins(iration% surrounded &y dedicated colleagues% lo'ing friends. Ce must surely a'e some. Ce5d &e t e first to (oint out t at 6oining isn5t of t e &ody t oug . " mista$e many !ourse related grou(s ma$e. <or is dedicating one5s life to 2acim in e'ery *ay (ossi&le% suc as emigrating so as to go to as many lectures as (ossi&le% necessary for t e same reason, t at Jesus and t e Coly S(irit are =in5 t e mind, 6oining is of t e mind. I didn5t $ee( t e former notion in mind in any case. I t oug t focusing on a &ot more =a&stract5 as *ell as (ersonal goals could &e t e only t ing *ort aiming for, t at 2acim *as as good a goal as anyone or anyt ing. -etter e'en. Peo(le a'e a a&it of disa((ointing, t ey5re emotionally unrelia&le. Cell% so am I% t oug I do my &est. -ut I5m ne'er ;uite sure * at I5m going to say next% * at mig t &e misinter(reted% &lo*n out of context% exaggerated to suit t e (ur(ose of some resentful narcissist or organisation. / e t oug t of 'isiting 2acim% some o* raising t e cas % t e success (refera&ly% to li'e and *or$ in !alifornia% dedicate myself to t eir *or$% t eir &oo$s% lectures and recordings seemed as sensi&le and =mature5 a c oice as any. I mig t scre* it u(% &ut it could ne'er &e &ecause of anyt ing on t eir (art. I didn5t s(end * at money I ad on all t eir materials at all, I didn5t e'en scratc t e surface% t oug I did get a lot of t eir &oo$s o'er t e years, I5'e fallen &e ind *it more u( to date (u&lications% &ut I $no* I5ll get t em. I ad it in mind to *or$ my *ay t roug all t eir audiota(es% no* !#s% 0(3s% 'ideos. / ey5ll &e in some ot er more futuristic format &y t e time I get around to it. I s(ent * at cas I ad on &oo$s% mags% &lan$ 'ids for recording from /4% music+ta(es% !#s% fitting in 2acim * ere I could. Iriting too% sometimes. I didn5t in'est in giglee (rints as intended% get t em on t e net% c oosing to focus on (aintings instead% t en falling out or losing touc *it galleries% my moti'ation *as so scattered% =fragmented5. I5'e &arely e'en included emotional% sexual in'ol'ements. / at im(ulse is al*ays t ere of course. I su&limated emotional needs t roug 'irtual

>20

in'ol'ements o'er t e (ast years. / is (ro'ed to &e ;uite interesting for t e most (art% if as emotionally tur&ulent% fraug t and frustrating as any =e'eryday5 in'ol'ement. "ll t e more so sexually% &ut t at isn5t * at t ey *ere for. Jealousy al*ays reared its ugly ead t oug % on &ot sides. Sur(risingly% t e !omedian is still gi'ing out acer&ically umorous and sarcastic messages indicating er continuing interest in me. S e alternates t em *it more self+(itying ones% er fear of deat etc. I a'en5t made u( my mind a&out it yet. I5d only loo$ed in again yesterday after some time. I5ll a'e to gi'e it some t oug t. I can see me ca(itulating% as usual. I *as almost a((y to lea'e it if s e *as. / e (ro&lem *it narcissists is t ey5re trou&le, t ey5re fanatics% fundamentalists. I en t ey get (issed off t ey loo$ to get you into trou&le, t eir unconscious moti'ation% and often+conscious moti'ation% is destruction and re'enge. It *as self+defeating if s e t oug t I *as so ensnared in er *e& of (ro6ection I mig t &e too reluctant or timid to end it, so I did, &y lea'ing my ca&le &ill for too long so I could get on *it some *riting again% t is *as t e (erfect =(retext5. I5'e s(ent+ *asted *ay too muc time and effort in emotional in'ol'ements o'er t e years. It5s &een as time *asting as it5s &een =illuminating5. 0ost of t e time it5s a &it of a &ore no*% in t at most (eo(le are too &oringly (redicta&le. I can understand * y !I feels muc t e same *ay. <or did e ma$e t e mista$e of &ogging imself do*n *it destructi'e narcissists% or e got out of t e relations i( as soon as e could. It *as a &it =*eird5 t at e ad an affair of sorts% a sexual relations i( so late in is life t oug % as e descri&ed in is later auto&iogra( y #reaming to Some Pur(ose. -ut *illing admirers must &e ard to resist. I5d find it nig on im(ossi&le if t ey *ere sexually attracti'e. -ut t en I5m not married. I can5t e'en a'e a girlfriend *it t is entire narcissistic+minded -S, t e story of my *ife. Ca . I5m getting off trac$. I still li$e t e notion of focusing on 2acim. It5s a matter of (ers(ecti'e. It5s not as if Ia(nic$ t in$s of not ing &ut t e !ourse. It5s 6ust e relates e'eryt ing to t e !ourse. I $ne* someone &ac$ in t e late <ineties * o 'isited 2acim * en t ey

>21

*ere still &ased in t e !ats$ill 0ountains in <e* Dor$ State. Ce said * en e *as in Ia(nic$5s li&rary% e ad * ole ro*s of s el'es de'oted to different su&6ects, t eologyLreligion% (oliticsLcons(iracy% (syc ology etc. / e *ide range of interests t at informs is articles and *or$s in general. -efore t at% !I *as t e man for me% t oug I do (ay a lot of attention to Ic$e and a'e done for years% increasingly so once I got online% &ut is &oo$s are uge too. =Hion5 *as e(ic. I could do *it rereading it. I $ne* I *ould as I read it t e first time. / ere5s only so muc time in t e day. I could as =easily5 de'ote a fe* ours to (ainting a day% get t at going% online etc.% li'e off t at% or e'entually. 3r at least I mig t if it *eren5t for t is *eird situation and my li'ingLfinancial situation. E'eryone as a li'ingLfinancial situation% * ate'er t eir situation, t ey don5t necessarily *rite a&out it% *riting a no'el =instead5% say% as (art of * at t ey do, sim(ly ma$ing a li'ing. I5m finding not ing is 'ery sim(le any more. Peo(le are ;uestioning t e 'alue of *riting in t e current (olitical situation, it can seem so su(erfluous+ or ineffectual. / at5s exactly o* it can feel. I ic % to reiterate is * y realising certainty can &e only of t e mind is so im(ortant. E'en if I feel I ne'er ;uite understand it yet. It5s somet ing to go on% to latc on to% ang onto if need &e% and it5s almost got to t at stage no*. / ere are a lot of socio(at s out t ere all too ready to ate. It5s im(ortant% immensely reassuring to $no* certainty exists in an o&6ecti'e sense% e'en if I don5t feel 'ery certain most of t e time. It5s * at !I *ould call an intellectual certainty. It is t at% &ut t ere5s an =emotional5 com(onent too, lo'e. I forget t at% falling into ego tra(s all t e time% itting im% ot ers o'er t e ead *it =lo'e5% *it ideas from t e !ourse. I5m sure e5s done it *it is Cusserlian analyses and ( enomenological existentialism. / at ne'er caug t on in t e stand u( clu&s. "lien Cunter + 2003% distracts me, It5s (retty 'isceral. It stars t e li$a&le James S(ader. It5s (retty good. 1nsettling. / e &enefit of using 2acim as a focus% o*e'er =misguided5 or im(ractical+ or 6ust (lain unli$ely% is t at I could use it as a means of (utting e'eryt ing else in (ers(ecti'e. Seeing t e &igger

>22

(icture and $ee(ing it in mind is t e only *ay out if t is% e'en if it means in e'eryday terms t ere5s no *ay out of it. I ere t ere5s a *ill... and you can ;uote me on t at. Intermediate stages may &e t e ans*er% or it *ill a'e to &e. 3ne ste( at a time. It definitely in'ol'es getting out of t is (lace% t is street. I $ne* it *ould &e disastrous from t e outset% surrounded &y *or$s. "s t e tenancy as 6ust &een transferred to a ne* agent and t e landlord is content *it me as a tenant% neit er of t em a'e any reason to consider me for anot er tenancy, I mig t 6ust a'e to sod off as usual. -ut it5s almost al*ays &een out of t e frying (an into t e fire. / ere5s al*ays some s it to contend *it e'entually. S aring in a small flat is out, I5'e &een t roug all t at. 0ost (eo(le and t eir (reoccu(ations are irrele'ant no*. I say t at% &ut I do feel intense *armt for (eo(le, I al*ays a'e. I en t ey5re not trying to $ill me in some form or ot er. It5s a narcissist5s *orld. / e end of t e 0ayan !alendar isn5t going to miraculously or magically c ange t at eit er. <ot t at I t in$ *e5re all doomed% t oug I $no* an im(ending sense of doom% of feeling tra((ed% is t ere for many. / ere5s a ne* article on / e 0ayan !alendar in t e latest <exus 0aga?ine% so% t at s ould &e fun. I5m too used to (ri'acy% ironic as t at mig t &e. "t least * en I come &ac$ ere I can =s*itc off5 for t e most (art. / ere5s no one else I a'e to contend *it % no similar mindset to * at goes on outside, t at really mig t &e t e last stra*. I can still *ell recall t e days * en I ad to go out for a &it of (eace and ;uiet. It seems almost (redicta&le t ey *ould find a *ay to (ursue me. It5s clear no*% t e goal *ill &e% is% to &adger me into old age and deat . "nd &eyond if t ey could. / at5s t e ego for you. / e =ne* &lood5% cle'er stu(id as e'er. Io*% Iron 0aiden are so tedious, -ut I already $ne* t at. I li$e is tee s irt t oug . =Psyc Iard5. I feel I5m on t e rig t trac$ t oug , *riting. "nyt ing is &etter t an succum&ing% to a(at y% des(air% as t ey *ant (eo(le to. I feel t at *ould &e &eneat me% some o*% &ased on a misconce(tion. / ey5re deluded fools, t e cle'er stu(ids. / ey a'e no conce(tion of t e true nature of reality, or t e (olitical

>23

situation% come to t at, its o'erall nefarious agenda. "nyone * o isn5t a*are of t at% as Ic$e as said% is a =lost cause5. "nd t ey5re t e most lost of all. I al*ays ad to come u( *it a *or$ing solution for t e (ro&lem of ma$ing a li'ing in any case. / at5s anxiety enoug for anyone in t e current climate * o isn5t so fortunate as to &e a ig ly (aid cele&% say. I5d still a'e t at =(ro&lem5 * ate'er t e situation rig t no*. / e interferers are t ere to ma$e sure it5s ne'er sol'ed or resol'ed, t at *ay t ey can feel &etter a&out t eir failures as uman &eings. / ey really are t e most o&noxious creatures sometimes. / e &est (art% as I5'e said% a&out t e mind &eing so'ereign t at is% is t at it can =create5 *or$s% of art% literature etc.% inde(endent of t ese situations% as *ell as t at t ere are ot er means of getting t em out t ere% s(ecifically t e internet. / e minions in t eir *orld of &odies see t is as almost irrele'ant% &ut t e net can &ring ideas to t ousands% millions e'en. "nd anyt ing t at can &e re(roduced for creati'e (ur(oses can only &e a good t ing. It as to &e &etter t an t e foolis ness of *or$ing for minimum *age &y t e our% not t at I a'e for a 'ery long time% &ut needless to say I5m 'ery $een on getting somet ing out t ere% * et er it5s *riting or (rints. I5m not *ell $no*n as an artist% or anyt ing at all% to fetc good (rices for =originals5 online. I5'e ad &etter luc$ in t e =real5 *orld * en (eo(le can see * at t ey5re getting in t e fles % so to say. I could also *rite a&out (ainting till t e co*s come ome if I5m not careful% &ut not actually do 'ery muc .

>24

Reading !olin Iilson5s 0ind Parasites again% I can see * y I t oug t it and e *ere =* ere it5s at5 all t ose years ago * en I first read it. / e only t ing t at could (ossi&ly &e of more interest is furt er clarity. / ere5s al*ays t e illusion of clarity% of meaning% as t roug sex% and e *rites a&out t at too% t oug it can &e confusing in t at e5s long said sex is a $ind of confidence tric$ &ut t e sexual orgasm o(ens u( * ole 'istas of meaning too% or can. In t e !ourse5s terms% sex% if made into an end in itself is t e unconscious (ursuit of (ain and deat . I su((ose !I5s modus o(erandi *ould &e to extract or gras( t e glim(ses of meaning from sexual ex(erience &ut a'oid t e addicti'e as(ects% or% as e (ut it in 0isfits: " Study of Sexual 3utsiders% t e golden rule seems to &e not to let a lo*er need ta$e (recedence o'er a ig er need or im(ulse% t is &ased on 0aslo*5s ierarc y of needs. / e course tal$s a&out t e ierarc y of illusions% as all needs are illusory% merely as(ects of t e ego. "ny*ay% it all seems 'eryQ detac ed, emotionally =remo'ed5. -ut as sex and guilt are so tied u( *it t e &ody% it5s no *onder t ey can &ecome so interloc$ed% suc a (o*erful focus for t e ego% as Ia(nic$ said% and% as !I said% can scre* u( your life if you5re not careful. Ce *as s(ea$ing only of sex% t is in an inter'ie*% &ut t e guilt (art can &e inferred% * et er e meant t at or not. !I mig t not ;uite it t e s(ot for me no* in t e *ay e used to% t oug t e c ange is in me% &ut is *riting *as t e most interesting t ing around for me for many years if not necessarily t e most exciting. -ut is &oo$s *ere often t at too. I *anted clarity o'erall. / at5s t e most exciting% ins(iring t ing of all% and * y no one can to( Ia(nic$. -ut t ey all t ro* more lig t on eac ot er% t at5s t e &est (art, it5sQ all good. I realise% if I t in$ on it again% as im(artially as I can% I am in a sense% eld (risoner ere t roug my stuff, my &oo$s% art*or$. If I ad literally not ing% exce(t a &it of cas % I could ta$e t e (lunge% 6ust ta$e off. I recall an Edin&urg la*yer doing t at% years &ac$. Ce5d got imself into financial difficulties of some

>2>

$ind% too$ off to !orn*all% (ic$ed a((les during t e summer. Ce (ic$ed somet ing any*ay, * ate'er it is t ey (ic$ do*n t ere. Ce also met a *oman% ad a $id. / is isn5t so easy no*, I *onder * at t e =gs5 &s situation is li$e do*n t ere, and * at !I as to say on it 8as it a((ens% e remar$s on it indirectly in t e (reface to / e Encyclo(aedia of 0odern 0urder &ac$ in 1NM0. 0entioning it recently s(urred me on to reread t e intro% and &ro*se9. Ce ne'er *as 'ery good at ex(osing t e true under&elly of t e *orld of e'eryday e'ents. I could sell all my &oo$s I su((ose% my &elo'ed !I collection% suc as it is no*, I lost some of t em o'er t e years to 'arious narcissists. / ere are also my 2acimLIa(nic$ &oo$s% t oug I don5t a'e a * ole lot. I s ould go t roug t em all as an exercise% decide on essentials% (ut t e rest in a (ile. / ere are still so many I5d li$e to read% (ro&a&ly ne'er *ill. I5m eld to ransom &y time% t e lac$ of it% and my o*n good intentions, I5'e ne'er ;uite t oug t it t roug % &ut t at seems a&out accurate. / is is =/ e !ity of Hiterature5 &ut / ey don5t gi'e a toss. I a*ait *it &aited &reat t e doyen of (ot&oilers% Ian Ran$in5s no'el on t is co'ert system of murderous% small+minded =locals5. / e =!ity 2at ers5 *ill re'o$e is free &us (ass. "ny*ay% yes% I5'e too many t ings I don5t *ant to gi'e u(. "ll t ose /4 recordings on 'ideo I5d li$e to go t roug 8"ll t ose audiota(es I a'en5t eard since I recorded t em+ t oug to &e accurate I a'e listened to some many times o'er% not least some of t e Jo n Peel com(ilations. I almost ga'e t em all a*ay years &efore. "n im(ossi&ility o'erall9. I could reread Ia(nic$ ad infinitum alone. -efore I forget+ and you can use t is yourself if you li$e, it came to me earlier * ile do?ing 7 I5d fla$ed out * ile reading Ia(nic$ 8a ty(ical res(onse of t e ego (art of oneself% as *as common * en first reading "!I0 itself9 7 t at t ere a'en5t &een any more &i$es at t e cornerLintersection &y /esco5s% after I t re* t e (a(er (lane, not t at it sto((ed t em u(to*n% &ut t en I didn5t do it t ere eit er, &ut t at5s a lot of aero(lanes. 0y o*n little ma$es ift drones. I tossed a cou(le outside ere too, one

>2B

landed smac$+da& not 6ust in t e centre of t e road &ut t e centre of t e * ite line on t e s(eed &um( 8and t e centre of t e s(eed &um(9 loo$ing literally as if I5d *ent out and (laced it t ere% e'en if it didn5t stay rig t t ere 'ery long, (assing traffic sa* to t at% t oug I o(ed t ey *ere =gs5 of course. I sa* one of t e (lanes in t e &in a day later, o(ened out. Cec$% may&e it *as ". S e5s (assed &efore% t e sly &int. <ot so trans(arent. -ut is it feasi&le my action (ut t em offG It is a 'ery noticea&le% distincti'e t ing to do. :uite ingenious in its small *ay% e'en if I say so myself. / ere5s all t at traffic t ere to see it. <ot only t at% t ere5s t e s(ecific message on it% a&out =gs5 cyclists at intersections. It5s ;uite unusual for t em not to &e t ere, t ey5re al*ays t ere% one *ay or t e ot er. / ey5'e &een around% &ut $ee(ing t eir distance% aside from * en it5s dar$ and furt er u( t e road% as I descri&ed. 0ac#onald Rd is sim(ly less &usy% as is !laremont St. / e centre of to*n is a far *ider area of course% more =anonymous5 for t em, less locals. I s ould com&ine it *it anot er s(ecial cardigan. I used gold in$ on a &lue one t e last time, it isn5t distinct enoug no*. I a'e a * ite cardigan% (ullo'er% * ate'er. I at *it my camera% orn% tam&ourine% message on (ullo'er% (a(er (lanes% stic$ers% =fun sna(s5% I mig t re(resent a formida&le force, or at least a &it of a nuisance. I couldn5t (icture !I doing t is% &ut * o $no*sG <ecessity is t e mot er of in'ention. =)ic$ out t e 6ams% mot erfuc$ers5. / at5s / e #ictators. 0y orn (ac$ed u( * ile I *as on$ing some sly &int &e ind me * en I *as *it ". / e *oman ad a((eared &e ind me *it er dogs. / e little 'i&rating mec anism fell into t e ru&&er (art you s;uee?e. It *as getting a &it late and I *anted to get &ac$% relax% so I didn5t try in'iting myself in% said I5d come along sometime today% no* yesterday, didn5t. I drifted off as I say% missed most of 0ic ael Palin in t e Cimalayas% listened to 0aconie5s 2rea$ Aone% read some more of Ia(nic$ on /rue Em(at y. I ic I5ll read again after t is% try and finis t e series. I5ll a'e to s o*er t oug , it5s &een a *arm nig t. I need one any*ay. I5m fore'er reluctant to ma$e a mo'e * en I5m a&sor&ed in somet ing% yet% s o*ering can a'e a c arm all its

>2K

o*n% as can a'ing a good &o*el mo'ement% or e'en dra*ing% (ainting% * en I can sna( myself out of t e tor(or of seeing it as t e most dreary acti'ity on eart . I need only an afternoon *it t e mind+num&ing ro&otism of t e minions to (ut t ings in (ers(ecti'e. I5ll try and $ee( t is in mind * en I go out tomorro* *it my (rints and (aintings. I5m out of cas % so to say. / e c ee$y &astard &an$ &loc$ed me from using my card after I *it dre* t e rent. I (aid t e first fe* undred in cas % forgetting I could use my card in t e estate agents, or it didn5t occur to me. / e &an$ may assume I5m u( to no good% (oc$eting t e money. -ut it5s more li$ely &ecause t e S3 didn5t go t roug , I *as late sorting it out. / e agent ad sent it to me and I t oug t I ad enoug time% only% it ad to go &ac$ for t em to send off according to t e &an$. I5'e ne'er eard of t at &efore. 0y card *as declined in Scotmid% em&arrassingly% and I5d found so many reduced (rice goodiesQ I *as really loo$ing for*ard to t em. / ere *ill &e a (enalty for missing t e S3% as if it5s some $ind of crime. Some ot er &an$s don5t c arge for &eing o'erdra*n. I *asn5t e'en o'erdra*n% t e self+rig teous arse*i(es. "ren5t t ey allG 0anagement any*ay. / e rest are (etty tric$sters% mostly. Some are o$ay. " &lo$e came in *it a &i$e to t e entrance*ay of t e flats 6ust around t e corner. I $ne* it *as timed. I en e *ent inside I tossed t e no* defunct orn &y is outside door. 3 % and my electric *ill &e off &y N am. / is is * y I a'e to ta$e (rints out. I a'e t e Iellington Statue at t e East End of Princes Street in mind% in front of Register Couse. I did a dra*ing of t e area t e ot er nig t. / e orror. I could al*ays 6ust try getting u( to t e &an$% ex(laining t e situation% telling t em I a'e no &loody money no*. I *as $ic$ing myself for not a'ing *it dra*n it earlier * en I ad t e c ance. I e'en antici(ated t is% forgot, it5s all t e distraction. -ut it5s also c oosing to focus on *riting a&out ot er t ings. I a'en5t e'en *ritten more a&out / e 0ind Parasites as intended. I meant to do it as I *ent along% reading t e no'el% t oug it5s (ro'ing ;uite addicti'e. !olin Iilson as so many interesting o&ser'ations% ideas. / ere are (arallels *it t e

>2M

Ste( en )ing% as I say% !ell% * ic I5ll finis too% see * ere e goes *it it. I5m almost loo$ing for*ard to / e #ome. If I forget a&out it I mig t not read it for a decade. I5'e told myself if I a'e trou&le getting money and a'e no electric 8and food9 for a * ile% t en I5ll 6ust read / e #ome. -ut I s ould get out% see if I can drum u( some cas . It *ould also &e t e &est time to get along to see my ad'isor% s(ecifically to use t eir com(uters again, I can5t use mine if t ere5s no electricity. / at means I can5t *rite. I could *rite t ere t oug % if I could &e &ot ered, if I can concentrate I mean. I5d (refer to &ro*se t e net. / ey don5t allo* access to social net*or$ing sites suc as /*itter &ut I could &ro*se Ic$e5s site% do*nload lots of articles onto my flas dri'e, it as dou&le t e s(ace of t e (re'ious ones I5'e lost. I could5'e &een doing t is all along. It5s t is = assle5 t at5s suc a (ut off% as intended. It5s li$e li'ing *it someone% narcissists in my case% * ere you5re not ;uite sure * at you *ant, t e ot er (erson as infiltrated t emsel'es into your life and t oug ts so insidiously. / eir e'er more &astardised form of =*e+t in$5. I realise I5'e &een underestimating t e -lac$ !a&s, t ey5re a nasty% aggressi'e &unc . It loo$s li$e my t um&ing *as re(orted &ac$ after all. I need to go for t e !I getting out of t e city model I t in$% Hondon% in is case. -ut t en I don5t need to cart all my stuff around to actually loo$ for a (lace% or e'en ta$e off for s ort (eriods. I5d 6ust &e *orried as to * et er it5s all t ere &y t e time I get &ac$. I o can li'e li$e t isG "ll5s fair in *ar and t ie'ing in t e &ra'e ne* t ug state. -ut I still a'e so many ideas to get do*n. I5d ma$e t is a trilogy if it *eren5t so interlin$ed. "ny ad'entures% and descri&ing t em% *ill 6ust a'e to *ait. I5'e still t e 'idcam (ro6ectLstrategy to consider. If I end u( dead% you5ll $no* * y. /*o or t ree cars coming out of t e side% of t e car*as t is ;uiet Sunday% &lac$ ca&s and (ri'ate taxis getting in eac ot er5s *ay. " cou(le came and *ent in tandem *it my door s enanigans. / e (ri'ate ca& *as for t em t e second time. I adn5t noticed t em until I *as ta$ing multi(le sna(s of t e sudden acti'ity as / ey all tried to catc me out% &ut I didn5t ( otogra( t e cou(le. / e timing *as 6ust too (at

>2N

t oug % as (er usual. I missed my li&rary a((ointment due to t e ea'y rain, fuc$ t at% I t oug t. It lasted a good * ile. " car came in% sat around for a &it. "not er one later on% some yards furt er u(, a cou(le of &i$es came out% com(lete *it &eers 8G9. -ells. / is as a((ened &efore% &ut *it a fe* of t em, a fe* times. It seems to &e a strategy to sa'e sending cars in res(onse to me o(ening t e front door and closing it% not going out. I could al*ays assume it5s somet ing more innocuous% &ut aside from t e timing of it% I *as in a =&ols ie5 mood some mont s &ac$ * en a fe* *ere t ere% ad come &y *it my s o((ing% and stood o((osite t em% dro((ed my &ags li$e a gunfig ter% leaned against t e ig fence &y t e *or$s o((osite% eye&alled t em as S) mig t descri&e it% left it at t at. S ortly after% a'ing tem(orarily &orro*ed a c air from a front garden in #unedin St% I sat across t e road% *atc ed some of t e minions go &y in t eir telltale red or &lac$ ca(s and to(s% one or t*o doing a dou&le+ta$e as t ey sa* me% t en (ositioned t e c air at t e side of t e &lac$ &in * ere it *as easy to miss me. " young *oman% some local &int% came &y% sto((ed and stood * ere I ad &efore% &y t e *or$s at rig t+ and side% o((osite my $itc en * ere I mig t see er if I *as in, t en sa* me sitting in t e c air diagonally o((osite% (ointing a camera at er. It *as o&'iously so unex(ected% s e marc ed off 8I did ta$e t e c air &ac$ sometime later% t oug it *as &e ind t e settee * en t e detecs *ere in. I5d a&ducted a c airO E#o you sit muc GF9. "ny*ay% t at meant I didn5t get a free meal as I ad in mind eit er% t oug I ad some food left. -ut I5ll a'e to do it all later today if I don5t a'e any cas . I could also do *it =getting u( *it t e Har$5 so I5m slee(y * en it5s too dar$ to read. I5m no* ere near t at (ossi&ility at t e moment% and do?ing earlier didn5t im(ro'e matters. I need a s o*er and a cu( of ot c ocolate. I5d (refer a cool drin$ &ut I a'e not ing. I &uy mags instead, &oo$s% c ocolate% &atteries etc.% or did. / is rec arger is (ro'ing to &e 'ery useful indeed. I e'en ga'e t e camera anot er =loo$ see5% reset t e date, it seemed unduly com(licated &efore. I also disco'ered or redisco'ered t e camera as a setting for

>30

multi(le sna(s. / at *ould &e great for catc ing 1+turns% suc as t e &lac$ ca& did yesterday in Rodney St% t e ding&at% as *ell as any &i$es coming at me around corners etc.% as *ell as mounting t e (a'ement from t e road and 'ice 'ersa. 1nfortunately% *it t e electric off% rec arging t e &atteries again *ill &e out. I can (retend. I5m ;uite good at antici(ating it. "nd if I5m going to li'e so dangerously% I5d &etter do more exercising. I5ll read more of Ia(nic$ on /rue Em(at y. It *ill gi'e me somet ing to t in$ a&out * en I s o*er and dry. I s ould eat again too, I *on5t &e a&le to coo$ * en I get u( later. I a'e some mil$ and serial. In a (inc % I5ll &e going for free meals. Somet ing to *rite a&out+ if I can. / in$ing a&out it% I could really do *it a &rea$ of sorts. I5m in +din$ur h and t e free s o*s are already on, &ut it5s more t an I can &ear I t in$% after last year. "t least I *asn5t dodging &i$es. I5d still lo'e to see name comedians &ut can5t afford it no*% * ereas 30 years ago I could. / ere5s t e -oo$ 2esti'al too. I could go t ere and read all day if I *anted to. Det% I can do t at any* ere. / e difference is t e &oo$s are mostly ne*ly (u&lis ed. I5ll only disco'er a * ole &unc of &oo$s I5d li$e &ut can5t afford. I could al*ays try and read as muc as I can. I a'e enoug to &e getting on *it % as it is% t is to finis in some form too. I (lay it &y ear% follo* my inclinations and intuition% ferret out related t emes * et er in life% literature% mo'ies% and% if more rarely% t roug actual (eo(le. / ere5s &ound to &e no'els of interest in t e -oo$ /ent t oug . It can &e as interesting to find out * at (eo(le are *riting a&out. I5ll $ee( me (osted. I5m still *aiting on t e first &ona fide no'el on =gangstal$ing5. It could a((en. If t e *riter sur'i'es. / e *riting could &e (art of t e (rocess. 3f $ee(ing one5s eye on t e lig t at t e end of t e tunnel. "nd it isn5t a &i$e. 3r an am&ulance. 3r a 6uggernaut truc$. It5s difficult not to t in$ of t em as e'il &astards *it t eir stu(id =e'il5 smir$s. / at5s somet ing t at s ould really &e ca(tured for (osterity. "lmost all of t em do it. It5s li$e seeing t e &latant nastiness of t e ego in all its na$edness, a manifestation intended only for t e target and eac ot er% not t e (u&lic at large. -ut as it5s a (assi'e+aggressi'e society... I5'e seen it often enoug

>31

in t eir eyes close u( *it out t e smir$s% from my mot er on*ards. / e next stage is (ro&a&ly t e Re(tilian transformation. I *ouldn5t (ut it (ast t em. I5'e seen it in t eir eyes% all narcissists and socio(at s5 eyes. I at is it *it t e =do+gooders5G I still a'e #a'id Ic$e5s ne* &oo$ to loo$ for*ard to% once t ings are &ac$ to semi+normality. / is situation *ill force me to get out and a&out% t oug I did go out on Saturday in any case. It5s eit er t at or (eris % sin$ or s*im% &ecome t e c aracter in t e -allard story. 0an% o* t e minions and t e rest *ould lo'e t at to a((en. -ut theyve more c ance of succum&ing to it t an I a'e if t e s oe *ere on t e ot er foot. I su((ose t e -allard story *as an account of a descent into =sc i?o( renia5 *it out calling it as suc . I5'e still to read t e #oris Hessing no'el.

Tuesday It (ro'ed to &e a com(lete *aste of time on t e * ole% &ut s e5s certainly imaginati'e. It *ould a'e to &e on t e * ole if it5s com(lete% *ouldn5t itG Is t at5s * at5s $no*n as a tautologyG I5m sure !I or 0artin "mis could tell you. I5d li$e to read Dello* #og. I5'e ad it for so long no*% e5s (u&lis ed anot er one or is a&out to. !I read it% or tried% saying e ad no idea * at it *as a&out. Sound5s li$e e couldn5t ma$e ead or tail of it. " &it li$e "!I0% only% "!I0 *asn5t *ort re'ising is o(inion a&out. 0ind Parasites is ;uite a*esome in its *ay. I read a good deal more of it * en t e =lec$y5 *as off, a single e'ening, t e money left in my account *as accessi&le today% only% I didn5t t in$ to loo$ until on t e *ay &ac$ after anot er daily do?e off =&s5 from #. Ce5s a ty(ical =nice5 guy in t e sense Cer& .old&erg descri&ed, guaranteed to not &ac$ you u( * en you mig t ex(ect it, one of t ose, t ere5s a lot of it a&out% al*ays as &een I su((ose. / ey ne'er fail to disa((oint% as t e !omedian (ut it. "s if s e5s any different. 3f course it el(s if I5m gro*ing &eyond any ex(ectations. )no*ing t e (atternLs% it doesn5t come as any great sur(rise. 3ne comes to ta$e it almost for granted% a gi'en

>32

*it t e narcissists, t ey don5t really $no* any &etter, t ey t in$ it5s &ig% original% and cle'er. Isn5t it al*ays t e *ayG "ny*ay it *as a relati'ely s ort interaction. I en it suited im e *as descri&ing me as =my friend5% t is * en e *as furious *it ! and is integrity *as called into ;uestion. Ce e'en sent me a long email on t e situation, is side of t e story if you li$e. Ce sees no contradiction in any of t is, do t ey e'erG It5s 6ust tri'ial s ite as al*ays. " minion came &y (us ing is &i$e on t e corner% at t e end of t e street, it5s on a cur'e, o$ay% it5s a !rescent. / e ex(ectation *as I *ould &e t ere. I en e got on is &i$e to (ass% I called im a #ic$. E"re you tal$ing to meGF EDes% I5m calling you a dic$.F It doesn5t loo$ li$e t e 2acim material is a'ing t e desired affect on me% &ut t ere it is. Ce tried to dra* me into ex(laining+ so e could ridicule it% and t en accuse me of &eing mentally ill. That came as a (arting s ot% or one of t em% t e usual gi'ea*ay, e *asn5t getting t e res(onse e *anted &ut ad to say it any*ay. Het t em tal$ for long enoug and t ey gi'e a*ay all t eir =o*n5 strategies. -efore t at% I too$ t e tac$ of Hu$e Rine art in / e #ice 0an * en confronted *it Hinda5s *it ering &ut facile sarcasm% as$ing if t e &i$e s enanigans *as (art if is talent% is =s o*5 7 for t e 2esti'al. It *as sim(le enoug to as$ im * at e *as =*or$ing on5: EI ere5s your s ort stories 8ECu GF9% your (aintings% your no'elLsGF EDou ain5t got nothin going on. If you did% you *ouldn5t &e standing ere t in$ing you5re smart.F 1nex(ectedly% e admitted it. I5d t oug t e mig t accuse me of t e same t ing, I *as t ere to eat, a free meal. Caggis and (otatoes% some 'eg, it *as o$ay. I ad t*o el(ings. I ad some c ange% so I &oug t some reduced (rice floury rolls and Polis am for later. I didn5t e'en eat t em all. I almost didn5t eat anyt ing% I felt so slee(y later * ile still reading 0P. I *as a fe* ours s ort of slee( for t e day% a'ing gone out as soon as (ossi&le% follo*ing my remar$a&ly regular and smoot &o*el mo'ement, I ad no idea * at time it *as. Det% t at ma$es no sense. I too$ sna(s for most of t e day until t e &atteries ran out. Per a(s I forgot I could c ec$ t e time, t oug t ere is only t e date on t e front. I eard ! come in and t oug t: S it% it5s late

>33

afternoon% &ecause e *as &ac$ from *or$. ! ec$ing t e time at t e (ar$ing meter across t e street% it *as =only5 ;uarter to 2. I still a'en5t &een &ac$ on t e net. I t oug t I could use t e com(uters in t e li&rary &ut t ey *ere do*n. E*an 0c.regor as 6ust said t e com(uters are do*n% in / e Island. / is $ind of t ing a((ens e'ery no* and again. I get it *it names% music% t oug ts, most of t e time I see it as (ure coincidence% &ecause it is. I forgot to say t at it *as good to slee( so early, it *as 6ust getting dar$. I read *it t e lig t of t e streetlam( &y my *indo* * ile I ad a cou(le of rolls and t e last of t e mil$. I almost $e(t some for tomo% *is ing I could drin$ more% t en% 6oy of 6oys% realised it mig t &e sour &y t e next day. I didn5t exactly fla$e out+ drift off rig t a*ay% &ut it did come e'entually. " some* at restless nig t. I a'e to do somet ing a&out ac;uiring a decent &ed, t is settee is $illing me. I5d loo$ out t e *indo*... still dar$. 2inally it *as getting lig t% and I *as a*a$e% or so it seemed% and I t oug t: I5'e done it% I5m finally &ac$ in a daytime routine% t e land of t e semi+li'ing% &ut $ne* t at *as (ro&a&ly o'ero(timistic. I could find out &y reading% after some minor exercise to ta$e a*ay t e stiffness. I read more t an ex(ected &efore dro*siness came u(on me again. I sle(t for ours on and off% dreaming a lot as *ell, t ey *ere so 'i'id% in'ol'ed% I could5'e *ritten muc of it do*n. It *as still t ere in t e ;uiet * en I *as tying t e laces of my too tig t trainers. I ex(ect I5ll &e u( till ;uite late.

>34

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF I *as reading some more of t e 2012 Scenario site. " c annelled message from .odG "nd 0ot er tooG "lso .aia, same t ing of course. Co* do you c annel somet ing t at5s only a (ro6ection of t e mindG <ot .od. Co* can any&ody tal$ to =.od5 * en Ce5s &eyond all conce(ts% all dualismG 3nly cra?y (eo(le and <e* "gers can tal$ to .od. "nd Jesus frea$s of course, good c urc goers. I can5t ta$e it any more. It5s &eyond credulous. Det% t e messages are often ;uite su&tle% es(ecially t e galactics5% * en t ey tal$ a&out (rogressing &eyond duality% etc. / en t e *e&site goes and s(oils it all *it t ese ridiculous claims as to t e sources. / ey ne'er seem to see t e self+ contradiction in'ol'ed. -ut t e galactics tal$ in t e same terms too+ t at t ey ta$e t eir instructions from ea'en% .od. I assumed at &est t ey mean it meta( orically% e'en if it5s inter(reted and carried out in (ragmatic terms. Eit er a lot of (eo(le don5t =get5 t is at all% or t e c annellers are full of cra(% or it5s all guff. -ut t ere *as so muc (redicted% decades ago in t e !arey material% / e / ird 0illennium t at has come a&out% suc as fall of !ommunism and t e economic meltdo*n. It5s a confusing &usiness. It also utilises <e* "gey terms in a far less off+(utting *ay. -ut I can5t 'ery *ell &elie'e somet ing 6ust &ecause I mig t *ant to &elie'e it. I *as (retty confident a&out t e !arey

>3>

material% for all my dou&ts% e'en (osting some of t e c a(ter on t e future economic scenario in a small !I grou( on Da oo s ortly &efore it a((ened% t oug t e &oo$ *as (u&lis ed in =N1. I5d t oug t a&out t*eeting it% &ut c anged my mind after earing Ia(nic$ on 2012% t oug I ad it on you tu&e for t*o years% &efore t ey c anged t e format and it 'anis ed. Just in t e nic$ of time. It5s (ro&a&ly still t ere some* ere. 0ass arrestsG / e massing of t e .alactic 2ederation of Hig tG / e coming .olden "geG "scensionG "nd t at5s 6ust one site. / ese are 'ery intelligent (eo(le. / ere5s #a'id Iilcoc$% ot ers. / ey seem to a'e little dou&ts if any as to... It5s o&'ious t ey truly &elie'e all of t is *ill trans(ire. / e situation is almost too &i?arre no* for t at reason. / at t ey can all (ossi&ly &e so... mista$en. / is is going to &e interesting. /o me at least. 3ne of t e interesting t ings a&out reading / e 0ind Parasites is t at it &roug t to mind !I5s early 6ournals, it read almost li$e an extension of t em% if a more adult 'ersion. I at I mean is% it too$ me &ac$ to t em% t e sense of disco'ery I felt. It *as only excer(ts% a (art of t e &iogra( y / e Iorld of !olin Iilson &y Sydney !am(ion 8I *as una*are e *ent on to *rite a se;uel% un(u&lis ed. !I mentioned it in an email9. I *as 20 at t e time and a&solutely re'ered !I% *as almost as con'inced of is genius as e *as imself. Ce demonstrated you could a&solutely &elie'e in yourself and your destiny if you c ose to% if you *ere determined enoug , t oug no* I mig t see t at determination as (art of ma$ing t e illusion real &y ma$ing ea'y *eat er of it. -ut it *as t e sense of t e uni;ueness of is ideas% t e range and de(t of t em% * ic *as so fascinating. Ce *as t e arc ety(al *riter. Cis *as a 6ourney I could &elie'e in and s are, e'en try and emulate in some form% one day% some o* 7 once I got to gri(s *it my misguided sense of loyalty% commitment to una((reciati'e ot ers. I felt t at same sense of in'ol'ement% t e excitement of t e 6ourney% t e ex(loration of ideas% t e sense of is a&solute &elief in is o*n 'alue% * ile reading / e 0ind

>3B

Parasites. It &rings it all &ac$ to me% t e early excitement I5d ad * en I first read it% * en I *as 1N. / ere5s also an element of sce(ticism on my (art no*% t e a*areness e5s not ;uite t e &ees $nees e assumed imself to &e. / e fact t at t e t rust of is ( iloso( y and (syc ology is &ased on Cusserl5s idea t at (erce(tion is a $ind of gras(ing mec anism% as e ex(lained. !I *as al*ays fond of descri&ing it as &eing similar to an arro*, t at (erce(tion is an act of intention. If *e don5t =intend5 or fire it *it sufficient force% t e &eam of intention% (erce(tion% fails to it its target% t en *e find *e a'en5t gras(ed it or ta$en it in% or% if you li$e (re ended it. 3 I use to really struggle *it t at one. I recall an exam(le * ere e *rote a&out someone * o com(lained t eir sexual orgasm *as failing to satisfy, I forget t e context% t oug I5m sure it *as non+fiction. / e ans*er% as e said *as t at t e (erson ad &een mastur&ating in a state of distraction% t at * at e needed to do *as focus is mind% is concentration on it% t en e *ould gras( t e ex(erience+ t oug e5s *ent from saying t at mastur&ation is one of man5s ig er e'olutionary faculties to it5s somet ing a mature (erson gro*s out of, * ate'er a =mature5 (erson is exactly% in terms of an insane *orld. Presuma&ly someone * o doesn5t mastur&ate &eyond a certain edge and is married% to &oot% as t at *ould &e most undignified and unnecessary in any con'entional terms... "ny*ay% it5s all a&out de'elo(ing t e idden or su&conscious (o*ers of t e mind% getting in touc *it t e =secret life5 8(ro&a&ly &ased on t e (lay &y .ran'ille+-ar$er t at e discussed in / e 3utsider9% t e source of =(o*er% meaning% and (ur(ose5. Ce (uts t e latter in ;uotes. Ce as an ama?ing a&ility to ex(and on all t is% de'elo(ing it into an intensely exciting and interesting tale. It5s o&'ious t e mind (arasites of t e no'el are a meta( or for t e ego% t e false self *e all tend to identify *it for t e most (art. 3r% to my mind% t ey s ould &e seen as t at as t e ego is us. It5s not some outside force or entity. It5s (ossi&le e meant t em as some $ind of o&6ecti'ely real extraterrestrial life form% if in fictional terms. / ere5s an interesting aside% later% * ere e descri&es t em as an extension% an e(i( enomenon if

>3K

you li$e% of uman &eings 7 * ereas it5s more accurate to say t e o((osite is t e case% t at uman &eings are an e(i( enomenon of t e ego+mind. Perce(tion% too% may *ell &e =intentional5 in terms of gras(ing * at5s going on in t e *orld% &ut &ot (erce(tion and t e *orld itself are (art of t e (ro6ection% t e illusion% as are ot er (eo(le. / ere5s little if any a*areness t e *orld is a (ro6ection of t e mind. 3n t e ot er and% e as is moments% &ut t ere5s no dou&t is outloo$% is ( iloso( y% is dualistic. Ce5s 'ery good at descri&ing t e su&tleties of is &eliefs% suc as t e difference &et*een animate and inanimate matter% &ut &ot are (art of t e illusion all t e same. Ce uses t e same terms% t e &elief in t e =Tlan 'ital5['itality and =life5% t e =life+force5 etc.% * et er descri&ing t e ;ualities of a (erson or an as(ect of t e mind% t oug e5s as often tal$ing a&out t e &rain and areas of t e &rain% * ic as 0 to do *it mind. It5s easy to &e a &it of a smartarse a&out t is a'ing studied t e !ourse% &ut for me% it5s im(ortant to $no*, it5s &een a long 6ourney and it5s t e difference &et*een false and true em(at y% dualism and non+dualism. It follo*s from is ( iloso( y t at e &elie'es in de'elo(ing t e (o*ers of t e mind. Cis main c aracter% .il&ert "ustin% an idealised 'ersion of imself% and is colleague% de'elo( incredi&le =mind (o*ers5 7 t e a&ility to del'e into t eir o*n su&conscious de(t s 7 tele(at y and P)+ (syc o$inesis% to t e extent t at t ey can le'itate% e'en disintegrate &loc$s *eig ing t ousands of tonnes. / ey e'en (o*er t eir s(aces i( t roug P). "gain% t is is all 'ery *ell% and adds to an exciting story% t oug t e main t rust of it is finding a *ay to defeat t e mind (arasites% &ut it *ill ne'er sol'e anyt ing. / e real (ro&lem of t e mind is guilt. I5m sure e5d see t is as negati'e in t e same *ay e sa* "!I0 as negati'e% &ut a dualistic a((roac ne'er got to t e eart of t e matter. <one of * ic gi'es any indication as to o* en6oya&le t e no'el is% * at an entertaining *riter e is% o* su&tly e de'elo(s is t emeLs. -ut * at *as interesting also *as t at is

>3M

descri(tion of t e mind (arasites and t e fear t ey arouse in im% and later% ot ers% almost (resages is later ex(eriences of (anic attac$s, it5s 'irtually a (rediction of t em. / ere5s an im(ortant section later in t e no'el% * ere e descri&es using all t is *ill (o*er to &last t e (arasites. / is% as e says% turns out to &e a uge mista$e, it only ma$es t ings *orse. !I descri&ed is ex(erience of (anic attac$s in 0ysteries% in 1NKM. It a((ened in 1NK3 * en e *as *or$ing on t e (art *or$ maga?ine% !rimes and Punis ment. I &oug t t em * ile I *as still at sc ool. Ce *as commissioned to *rite all t e introductions, one a day% t en t e (u&lis ers said t ey needed im to increase is out(ut to one and+a+ alf eac day. It *as t e stress of t is t at &roug t on is (anic attac$s. Ce descri&es t em in t e introduction to 0ysteries% and later in "ccess to Inner Iorlds% (u&lis ed in 1NM3. I at5s interesting is t at at one (oint e descri&es trying to stifle t em &y s eer *ill (o*er. / is turns out to &e a &ig mista$e% only ma$ing matters far *orse (otentially% as e descri&ed. In retros(ect% t e ans*er seems o&'ious. <o one can dis(el illusions &y ma$ing t em real, and no one *ould fig t against somet ing if e didn5t &elie'e it *as real. Instead% e (uts it do*n to a $ind of c ildis ness% t e =emotional &ody5 acting u(% (ulling a fast one% and calling is &luff, and t at t e =solution5 lay in countering t at &y calling its &luff% and not gi'ing into it, is o*n meta( or for t e ego. / ere5s some trut in t is% needless to say% &ut it sounds li$e 6ust anot er form of relying on one5s o*n strengt and *ill (o*er. "gain% e as a 'ery su&tle *ay of descri&ing all of t is% =recognising5 t at &ecause *e identify *it t e ego% *e &elie'e oursel'es to &e alone% only% e descri&es it in terms of left and rig t &rain consciousness, t at it5s t e left &rain t at &elie'es itself to &e alone% una*are it as a = el(er5% t e intuitions and (attern+ma$ing of t e rig t, a matter of a *ider context% not t e myo(ic% &lin$ered 'ision of left &rain consciousness. -ut t e &rain is 6ust an as(ect of t e &ody% as is t e (ersonality% t e (syc ological &ody.

>3N

In a *ay% I5m sur(rised e didn5t remar$ on t is% in later &oo$s% t oug not in t e *ay I5'e 6ust (ut it. -ut is it (ossi&le e didn5t see t e connection% e'en in is o*n termsG I5m sure e5d see t is as relati'ely unim(ortant as long as e *ent on to sol'e it on is o*n terms, &ut did eG I read t at e got t e idea for t e mind (arasites t roug Iilliam -urroug s, &ut as I recall% I5m sure e said e too$ it from a sentence in / e <e* Existentialism% (u&lis ed t e (re'ious year% in 1NBB. / e co(y of /0P I5m reading is a Pant er (a(er&ac$ from 1NBN. It *as first (u&lis ed in =BK. I do a'e / e <e* Existentialism. I ordered a co(y &ac$ in =MB from / e "narc ists -oo$s o( on !andlema$er Ro*. / at street is no* minion central% li$e e'ery central street in Edin&urg . / e &oo$s o( is long defunct, t e city !ouncil got rid of t em% as t ey did *it t e 2orest !afT more recently. / e day I (ic$ed u( t e &oo$ *as t e day I disco'ered "!I0% in t e same &oo$store. Det anot er uge tome% not immediately discerni&le as to its contents% I decided I ad far too many reading =(ro6ects5 as it *as% t at I *ould come &ac$ to it anot er time. It too$ anot er four years% &y * ic time I *as 30. -ut it *as a year after first disco'ering it t at I came across !reati'e "ggression &y Cer& .old&erg and .eorge -ac % (u&lis ed &ac$ in =K4% exactly t e &oo$ I needed% so% e'eryt ing in its rig t (lace% so to say. / ere5s anot er t eme to / e 0ind Parasites% and t is is ;uite startling. It5s t at t ey use t e moon as a $ind of reinforcer for t eir negati'e influence. / ere are also a lot of ot er &eings% life forms% tra((ed in t e moon% em&edded in its 'ery molecular structure. Ce as is colleague say t at it *as .urd6ieff% t e .reco+"rmenian magus% * o said t at uman$ind is =food for t e moon5. Ce also mentions 'arious scientific ma'eric$s% suc as Canns Coer&iger% ot ers 7 t e first time I5d e'er eard of t em% as *as often t e case in reading im% e introduced me to so muc 7 * o ad 'arious t eories as to t e origin of t e moon and its (ur(ose. !I goes into 'arious as(ects of t e influence of t e moon on t e Eart . / ere are also t e ig er incidences of crime%

>40

as *ell as agitation in mental os(itals. Suffice it to say e (uts it all toget er and ties it u( 'ery ade(tly. / e startling (oint% is t at since t e no'el *as (u&lis ed in 1NBK originally% #a'id Ic$e as ad'anced% in all seriousness% a 'ariation of sorts on t e same t eme in is last tome% C10"< R"!E% .et off Dour )nees. It too$ me t*o mont s to get t roug it. It5s ;uite stu(endous. 1nli$e !I% e isn5t (resenting it as fiction of course. I ile I *as reading /0P% t e (ossi&ility t at !I did &elie'e in it did cross my mind. Ce5s *ritten else* ere t at one can say somet ing in fictional terms t at *ould &e im(ossi&le as non+ fiction. It seems self+e'ident t at if e ad (resented t e food for t e moon scenario as an actual t eory+ or actual state of affairs% e5d &e treated as a $ind of laug ing stoc$[as some still see Ic$e for t at reason. -ut &y (resenting it as science fiction !I can &e (raised for is remar$a&le in'enti'eness. I don5t $no* o* seriously e too$ t e idea, it5s clearly a (ara&le% a &rilliant meta( or for t e ego in general. -ut Ic$e &rings Saturn into it also. In fact% early in t e no'el% t e (arasites are (resented as aliens t at a'e infiltrated t e mind% until .il&ert "ustin% t e central c aracter% an idealised 'ersion of !I% comes to realise t ey5re a (art of uman &eings t emsel'es% a s(lit+off% s ado* (art. I at else could e &e ta$ing a&out &ut t e ego% t e false selfG 3nly% e &elie'es t ey exist in t e idden% su&conscious recesses of t e $rain and t at t e solution lies in increasing t e (o*ers of t e mind+% * ic e $ee(s e;uating *it t e &rain. 8Ce carries on t e same t eme in t e later no'el / e P iloso( er5s Stone9. Ce5s certainly a*are t at our reality lies some o* &eyond time and s(ace &ut e as a confusing *ay of $ee(ing% er% &ot sides in mind, is &elief t at s(irit is in t e (rocess of increasing its foot old in matter. / is is (ure dualism% &ut it5s common in <e* "ge t oug t+systems. " &it of an irony. "gain% in retros(ect% It5s interesting to see =* ere e5s at5 in t e no'el% at t e age of t irty+six. Ce s(eculates% in only semi+ fictional terms% as to * et er t e source of reality% * ic e

>41

&elie'es to &e a &ene'olent force% =is t e ultimate =!reator5 of t e -i&le% or * et er it de(ends on some still dee(er source.5 It doesn5t. -ut it isn5t t e .od of t e -i&le eit er% * o *as made in man5s image, t e *riters of t e -i&le * o in'ented a c ildis ly cruel and ca(ricious .od &ased on t eir o*n (ro6ections. Ce goes on t e add =t at t e mystery of time remains untouc ed5 as *ell as t e fundamental ;uestion raised &y t e ( iloso( er Ceidegger: =I y is t ere existence rat er t an non+ existenceG5 t en adds =/ e ans*er many lie in a com(letely different dimension% as different from t e *orld of mind as mind is different from t e *orld of s(ace and time... = -ingo. Co* does e do itG Det% anot er dimension *ould still &e a (art of s(ace and time% 6ust anot er s(ace and time in anot er (art of t e multi'erse% surelyG Just meG Det I do $no* e &elie'es t e Self to &e outside of s(ace and time. Ce5s 6ust said so. In effect% e5s al*ays $no*n t e ans*er. Ce could a'e ca(italised 0ind in t e later context% t en it5s as clear as day. / is could &e almost t e e;ui'alent of t e =decision ma$er5 as descri&ed &y )en Ia(nic$% t e (art of t e mind t at5s outside of time and s(ace% * ere *e decide &et*een t e ego and t e Coly S(irit. Else* ere[in / e -oo$s in 0y Hife% !I as said e &elie'es t e *orld *as created &y a $ind of demi+.od, * ic more t an im(lies it *asn5t created &y t e !reatorL.od at all. / ere5s o&'ious (arallels &et*een t e !ourse5s 8/ e9 Real Iorld 8of t e mind9 and t e fictitious illusory (ro6ection of t e ego *e take to &e t e real *orld% not to mention t at P)# &elie'ed t is *orld *as false% a sort of o'erly t at co'ered t e real *orld. I at is missing in !I5s conce(tions% t oug e did *rite a &rilliant essay on time for t e com(endium 'olume / e -oo$ of /ime in 1NM0 or so% is t e a*areness t at s(ace and time and e'eryt ing t at a((ears to manifest s(ecifically% is a (ro6ection of our minds. "nd not 6ust t e &rain eit er% * ic along *it t e &ody and t e *orld are (ro6ections too. <ot t at it5s any great sur(rise no*. "s Ia(nic$ (ointed out a * ile &ac$% t e greatest scientific and t eological minds of centuries tried to sol'e t is

>42

(ro&lem% una*are t at e'eryt ing t ey too$ so seriously *as merely a (ro6ection. !I still doesn5t fully acce(t it% stating in is later auto&iogra( y #reaming to Some Pur(ose% t e 'ery first c a(ter [.i'ing .od -ac$ is Entrance /ic$et% t at e al*ays &elie'ed ot er (eo(le to &e some o* unreal. Det% later% e goes on to ;uote Einstein% saying t at e =doesn5t &elie'e .od (lays dice,5 t at e does &elie'e in t e o&6ecti'e reality of t e *orld. "n odd contradiction, as if e *ants it &ot *ays 7 to &e seen as &ot t e mystic and t e ard eaded scientist. Det e seems to a'e no trou&le *it it. 0any years &ac$% e said some* ere[I5'e long forgotten * ic no'el[E/ at some (eo(le e'en &elie'e t e *orld is a $ind of dream.F It *as self+e'ident e sa* t at as unrealistic, (er a(s e'en =unscientific5 in t e sense t at t e ( ysicalists are t e first to cite it as t e (ro&a&ility one is =inca(a&le of facing reality.5 -ut t is isn5t reality% as any fule $no no*% or at least t ey s ould% in one form or ot er. / e 0ind Parasites is still a &rilliant meta( or for t e ego5s unconscious fear of .od 8as *ell as t at it5s t e source of is (anic attac$s9% e'en if e *asn5t a*are of it in suc terms% nor is e no*% or at least *ould countenance suc a notion I t in$. I don5t t in$ is ego can deal *it it. Ce5d also a'e to &roaden is Cusserlian conce(t of (erce(tion% turning it on its ead almost. Perce(tion isn5t t e cause of anyt ing, it5s an effect% as is t e *orld. Ic$e as long it on t is% needless to add no*% 'irtually claiming it for imself% or is o*n c annelled sources% t oug e doesn5t *rite in terms of a .od% =! ristian5 or ot er*ise% &ut of infinite% eternal !onsciousness, a confusingly ne*+agey term% not to mention it5s dualistic in t at it confuses t*o entirely se(arate le'els. "s t e !ourse states% consciousness is t e domain of t e ego. It5s *ort re(eating. Its * ole conce(t of forgi'eness stands or falls &y it. 3r% to (ut it anot er *ay% its conce(t of forgi'eness falls a(art *it in a dualistic frame*or$. 1nforgi'eness and t e

>43

&elief in guilt is t e (ro&lem% t oug as Ia(nic$ mig t add% t e (ro&lem lies only in t e &elief t ere5s a (ro&lem. #e'elo(ing ones P) (o*ers to t e extent of s ifting t e moon from its or&it as descri&ed in t e no'el *on5t ma$e any difference% e'en if it is an extension or concomitant of t e de'elo(ment of t eir =e'olutionary (o*ers5. It5s only a dream of e'olution in any case. / e * ole t ing is an agreed on mass allucination. .ood to $no*. I5ll a'e to &rus u( on #I5s conce(tion t at *e5re =food for t e moon5 of sorts, e does ;uote 3us(ens$y on .urd6ieff at t e &eginning of t e &oo$. It5s al*ays (ossi&le Ic$e came to it imself, e ac$no*ledges ot ers a'e eld 'arious t eories a&out t e moon% as does !I in 0P. Jim 0arrs *rote a&out t e moon as an artificial satellite in "lien "genda% years later. !I *asn5t going t at far% e'en in fictional terms. Ce tends to go for a =su&tler5 a((roac , e too$ a similar a((roac to t e (ossi&ility of time tra'el in /PS% stic$ing to it as an as(ect of t e mind+ t oug is c aracter de'elo(s t e a&ility t roug ex(eriments on t e (re+ frontal cortex of t e &rain. "ny 'olunteersG !I does &elie'e in t e galactics, not t at e refers to t em in suc terms. "gain% it5s a remar$a&le (resage to future de'elo(ments% not to mention current de'elo(ments at t e time% not to mention ongoing de'elo(ments rig t no*, t e $ind of t ing as *ritten a&out in / e Stargate !ons(iracy. 3ne mig t say !I as ;uite a long istory * ere t e galactics are concerned. Ce *ent on to &e ent usiastic a&out / e 3nly Planet of ! oice. -ut I5m getting a ead of myself again. <ot t at I a'e muc to say a&out it in t is context. Cis c aracter in /0P is automatically (romoted in a sense% t roug is e'olutionary and emotional de'elo(ment% &ecoming a mem&er of t e galactic community% one of =t e uni'ersal (olicemen5. !I as .il&ert "ustin descri&e imself as suc *it out a int of irony. -ut one only need t in$ of 0ic ael Rennie as )latuu in / e #ay / e Eart Stood Still. "nyone else notice t e resem&lance of !I and Rennie to eac ot erG

>44

/ is mig t &e *ort touc ing on. It5s (ossi&le to see no*% *it t e &enefit of some indsig t 7 not to mention some foresig t in t e case of P)#5s Radio 2ree "l&emut % (ost umously (u&lis ed in 1NM2% and Ic$e some* at after t e fact 7 t at t ere5s a singular =nai'etT5 in !I5s 'ie*(oint% (olitically, or is it a certain canniness mas;uerading as nai'etTG It5s not exactly / ey Hi'e, more Inde(endence #ay. .il&ert "ustin and ! ums e'entually sa'e t e day 8t oug t ere5s a t*ist of sorts at t e end9 *it t e e'entual full co+o(eration of t e go'ernment along *it t e President of t e 1nited States. CeLt ey e'en a'e lunc *it im% telling im 8not as$ing or ad'ising9 * at is next mo'eLstatement s ould &e 7 t ey5d t *arted t e mind (arasites5 efforts to (ro'o$e all out t ermonuclear *arfare and t en some. / is is a far cry from * at many are sayingL*riting a&out t e 1S go'ernment no*% (ost N11% &ut =cons(iracy t eories5 *ere t ere long &efore% too. #a'id Ic$e is t e o&'ious exam(le t at comes to mind% in is ex austi'e studies% &ut t ere *ere many &efore im. -ut * at is interesting is t at as (olitical s(eculationLS2% t oug it is only in (art% one could descri&e it as =s(ot off5. 3n t e ot er and... t ere5s / e 2012 Scenario *e&site. / ey5re 'ery muc (ro+3&ama% seeing is role as a (eacema$er *or$ing in 'ery difficult conditions, t at e can only do so muc under t e circumstances% &ut is *or$ing in tandem *it t e goals of t e galactics as &est e can% * ile (laying along *it t e Illuminati and t e goals of t e <I3 li$e a good actor. In fact t e outcome is de(endent on im. / is is% admittedly% (retty ard to s*allo*% t oug I5d lo'e to &elie'e it. -ut t ere5s a lot a&out t e galactics t at5s ard to s*allo* no*% not least t e re(eated em( asis on ="scension5 and =t e .olden "ge5 soon to &e u(on us. 1(date: tt(:LLt e2012scenario.comL2012L0NL(resident+o&amas+re+ election+(art+of+t e+golden+age+master+(lanL\more+1432NK / e scenario as (resented &y ot ers% most =definiti'ely5% some mig t say t e most extremist[not me 7 &y #I is t e diametrical o((osite of !I5s scenario in /0P. In Ic$e5s and ot ers% t e P/- are definitely not t e =good guys5% t ey5re t e

>4>

(a*ns of male'olent+minded extraterrestrial interdimensional entities% t e Re(toids. / e .reys *ere su&ordinate to t em it seemed% t oug a((arently t e &ene'olently inclined galactics a'e got rid of t em. -ut according to Ic$e and ot ers% Eart (oliticians are t e tools of t e Illuminati% t emsel'es sla'es to t e Re(tilians. "nd% one mig t add% all sla'es to t e ego and t e &elief in t e illusion% t e ologram% and t e (rison matrix% as e descri&es. I en I say !I may 6ust &e =canny5% I don5t mean e as some $ind of sinister agenda 7 t oug t e outcome of suc a mindset could &e% as descri&ed in / e Stargate !ons(iracy. I meant I t in$ is 'ie*(oint is &ased on a form of unconscious denial, * ic mig t &e ard to &elie'e if one &ears in mind t e (syc ological and ( iloso( ical su&tleties of /0P alone% and considering t e a&ility to del'e into t e su&conscious is t e crux of t e matter% and e5s t e one * o *rote t e no'el. -ut I5'e &een a*are of t is &efore, e $no*s o* to =fit in5, e can &e a &it of a (o(ulist of sorts, e $ne* o* to say t e rig t t ing. 8Sometimes% to my mind% e5s defied and denied all logic in terms of some of t e &aser t oug t+(rocesses of t e common garden+ 'ariety socio(at s% as *ell as t ose in ig (laces, may&e e didn5t *ant to seem =elitist5.9. I t in$ it5s some* at disingenuous t at e (resents it as an as(ect of is emotional and intellectual maturity% dismissing t e o&ser'ations of /S!ons( out of turn% as e did, in fact% to my mind% anyt ing t at mig t u(set t e *rong (eo(le and e'en remotely &ring or (ro'o$e t e (ossi&ility of danger to imself and is family. I t in$ t at5s (artly is moti'ation. 1nli$e Ic$e% * o &ases is safety on 'ery ig +(rofile ex(osure% one could say. If any arm e'er came to im it *ill only confirm t e 'eracity of is... oeu're. I ate'er !I and some of is elitist fan+&ase mig t say to t e contrary% I t in$ it5s clear t ere5s a nefarious glo&al agenda% t e ;uasi+cosmic cons(iracy of t e ego in t e *ider sense. It5s 6ust a (ity e and t ey *ere so slo* or reluctant in antici(ating t em. /o my mind it5s more accurate to say t ey inad'ertently and not so inad'ertently contri&uted to &ringing t e situation

>4B

a&out in t at t ey s are a similar if carefully concealedL5unconscious5 fundamentalist outloo$. Instead of *arning us% t ey glossed o'er or ignored it. / ere5s little dou&t *e5re eading for a (olice state. 0any *ould say it5s already ere% and a'e &een *riting a&out it for ;uite some time. 2or some reason% !I% is &rilliant critical analyses of <iet?sc e on t e culture of is time and ot ers not*it standing% couldn5t seem to see t is. #a'id Ic$e is clear t at e sees "s tar !ommand 8and t e .alactic 2ederation of Hig t9% -en6amin !rYme and =t e Iorld /eac er5% as a (lot of t e <I3. / at it5s (art of t eir goal to found a one+*orld religion along *it a one+*orld army% and a microc i((ed (o(ulation connected to a centralised com(uter. 3r t at t ey5re *or$ing in tandem *it it. 2or myself% for * at it5s *ort % as far as t e galactics are concerned% I 6ust don5t $no*. I don5t fully &elie'e in any =*orld teac er5 exce(t Ia(nic$ and "!I0. <eit er !I nor #I seems to &e ca(a&le of any $ind of true rationality * ere Jesus or "!I0 is concerned. In s ort% non+ dualism. !I sim(ly ignores or sideste(s t e strongly =! ristian5 as(ects of t e )en !arey material% * ic is so inextrica&ly &ound u( *it =arc angelic extraterrestrial intelligences5. / e galactics are still (ositing not 6ust t e (ossi&ility or &elief% &ut% t e certainty t at ="scension5% t e 2012 e'ent[=t e moment of ;uantum a*a$ening5% t e ad'ent of t e ne* *orld% =t e &ig tamale5% *ill come a&out. If and * en it doesn5t% * at5s to ta$e seriously a&out t em any moreG E'en t oug I a'e found many of t eir messages almost su&limely u(lifting 8/ ey% saying also% t at not e'eryone *ill ex(erience it% for it5s a matter of =lifting our 'i&rations.59. I still feel t e same *ay a&out !arey5s / ird 0illennium for t e most (art. It asn5t ;uite sun$ in e'en yet t at it isn5t going to ta$e (lace. I5'e &een =*aiting5 since =N1% since I first read t e &oo$% t en t e earlier ones% t oug R"I discussed t e 0c)enna5s &ros /ime*a'e Aero in !osmic /rigger 1 &ac$ in 1NKK 7 I &oug t an "merican (a(er&ac$ edition second+ and in 1NN0 &ut didn5t get around to reading it for a year or t*o. E'en Ic$e &elie'es it *ill a((en% &ut some years later% in 201B or

>4K

t erea&outs. 3r e did, e5s since ;ualified it again% &elie'ing it to &e some $ind of <e* "ge confidence tric$. It5s more t an &eginning to loo$ li$e it. <o one as t e meta( ysical and (syc ological gras( of t e situation as Ia(nic$ does. !I doesn5t &elie'e in it% &ut t at didn5t sto( im *riting a &estseller% 2rom "tlantis to t e S( inx% &ased on t e ideas of .ra am Cancoc$ and Ro&ert -au'al for t e most (art% * ic centred on% o*e'er indirectly% an u(coming ;uasi+cosmic e'ent: 2012. / an$s for *asting my time *riting a &oo$ &ased on ideas you don5t e'en &elie'e in% !olin. / ere5s more to t e &oo$ t oug . -ut it5s o&'ious t at in 0P e ta$es t e extraterrestrial y(ot eses 'ery seriously. Ce *as integral in o(ening my eyes to it% t oug I5d long &een fascinated &y anyt ing 123 and t e (aranormal in general since my early teens. It5s clear t e .alactic !onfederation do see t eir role as uni'ersal (olicemen% at least * ere t e eart is concerned, t ey5'e &een tal$ing a&out t e u(coming arrests of t e !a&al and c ange in t e economic and (olitical order 7 or disorder% for mont s no*, &ut in reality% years 7 decades. I could do *it getting u( to date on t eir messages% t oug t e &an$ing industry as &een roc$ed in recent *ee$s, t ere5s e'en tal$ of criminal (rosecutions% t oug it5s (ro&a&ly 6ust tal$. If t is e'er does ta$e (lace it *ill 'erify t e long eld (redictions and (romises of t e galactics 7 or t e ti( of t e ice&erg of t em.

>4M

Thurs Intimations of li'es unli'edQ -ut first, It doesn5t sur(rise me !I sees t em as is true 8s(ace9 &rot ers in e'olution if you li$e% considering is o(inion of uman &eings in general sometimes% certainly in is earlier years, one of t e t ings t at endeared me to im. I felt as a$in to im as e does to t ese more e'ol'ed% a((arently enlig tened &eings% and as a$in to t em too in a sense. I lo'ed is *riting% o* e t oug t% as *ell as * at e *rote a&out. Ce really lit u( my life% as did music% as did Jo n Peel% -o*ie% -ruce Hee% ot ers. <ot all famous (eo(le are interesting% &ut most (eo(le are &asically dull, one could say t ey5re un$no*n for a reason and *ill stay un$no*n for t at reason. -ut not all =no&odies5 are uninteresting% as !I *ell $no*s. "s e *rote some* ere% t e only difference &et*een im and ot ers% t e un$no*ns% is a matter of a((lication, t at e a((lies imself in a *ay t ey don5t, &ut t ere are lots of 'ery intelligent% amusing% interesting (eo(le out t ere. 3r =out t ere5. Q3dd ints of ot er times and (laces. / e inducement of a $ind of mood t at !I as .il&ert "ustin of 0P say e can summon at *ill% &ased on a'ing disci(lined is *ill% is (o*ers of concentration etc.% t roug is ( enomenological trainingQ "ll t at stuff. Per a(s. I see it as a matter of 6ust tuning in... /o

>4N

t e emotions t at great music can e'o$e% suc as Si&elius5 3rd sym( ony% on earlier, it5s t e Proms. "t &est it5s t e merest% most infinitesimal int of ea'en% of li'ing in t e real *orld, not t at t e real *orld is ea'en% &ut t e reflection of it. 1nli$e !I% ot ers% I don5t a'e any ;ualms in terms of tal$ing a&out ea'en, it exists% I5'e ex(erienced it. In fact it5s t e only t ing t at5s real. So I ex(erience t ese little intimations... an image of t e side of a long road some* ere% in a ;uiet (lace, li$e somet ing out of a no'el &y Ro&ert ! arles Iilson. 0ay&e it5s 6ust t e an$ering to mo'e% to get out of ere, it5s understanda&le I5d t in$ in terms of esca(e% of anot er time and (lace. / ere are (ro&a&ly elements of t at% &ut I $no* it isn5t 6ust t at, t at it can ne'er &e% &ecause I $no* t at isn5t t e ans*er% or could e'er &e t e * ole ans*er. Ie still a'e to exist in t is &ody% *e $no* t at our lo'ed ones if *e a'e any *ill e'entually die% as *ill *e, t at e'eryt ing *e5'e *or$ed for% * ate'er *e &elie'e in *ill fade into o&li'ion... I5m 6ust glad I don5t truly &elie'e t at. / e t oug t of =creating5 somet ing t at mig t sur'i'e my deat is a com(ensation% e'en if it can seem a strange t ing to &e doing *it my life sometimes% &ut o* else can I 'oice my t oug ts relati'ely uninterru(tedG .et t em do*n as a * ole% and not to &e *asted eit er% tal$ing it all a*ay% e'en if I could find a rece(ti'e audience% * ic *as often only one (erson at a timeG I don5t e'en * olly trust my t oug ts eit er. I ic are my o*n and * ic are ego t oug tsG <ot ing ere is truly creati'e in any case% t at5s * y I mostly (ut t e *ord in ;uotes. / is *orld *asn5t created, it *as made% &y t e ego. 3nly .od creates% along *it s(irit% our true self. 3ur true creations already exist, *e add to t em in a non+linear sense% im(ossi&le to understand *it in t e illusion of dualism and linear time. Sometimes it5s enoug to a'e me des(air o'er ma$ing any effort to do anyt ing at all, (ainting is a good exam(le, t e t oug t t ey5ll all crum&le to dust e'entually in any case. -ut of course% t e digital image of it can &e ca(tured as it *ill &e t roug su(erior tec nology in t e future too% if t e lunatics running t e asylum a'en5t $illed us all and t emsel'es along *it it.

>>0

I en I t in$ of (aintings% I t in$ of 4ogel5s. 0any of is are t e *or$s t at s ould last =fore'er5. "nd ot ers. / ere5s .usta' 0oreau% t e dra*ings and etc ings of Rem&randt% t e (aintings of /urner% &ot oil and *atercolour. I t in$ many of 4ogel5s su&6ects are a &it of a cor(orate &ore% suc as / e Couses of Parliament% t e 4atican etc.% &ut e as a $nac$ of ma$ing any su&6ect interesting, it5s is inter(retations t at are interesting. It5s a great &uilding &ut * at can &e more dull and dreary t en t e t oug t of Politics !entralG Ce infuses almost e'ery su&6ect% e'ery (ainting *it a sense of ot er*orldliness% as if e5s (ainting from an idealised (oetic 'ision of t e *orld. Per a(s e5s (ainting t e C of P of t e future% * en (oliticians a'e t e genuine interests of t e (eo(le at eart and not t emsel'es% and t e IlluminatiL<I3 and its dar$ agenda is a t ing of t e (ast. Cis <e* Dor$ scenes are ;uite &reat ta$ing, t ey5re literally un&eata&le. -ut t e same goes for almost e'ery city e (aints. Some of is 4enice 'ie*s% o*e'er =clic Td5 a su&6ect artistically% are ;uite su&lime. Ce5s a (oet in *atercolour% a *atercolour magician if you li$e. Ce5s t e roc$ star of *atercolour and mixed media. 3ne almost *ants to li'e in t em. / at5s t e (aradox a&out &oo$s% *riting% or it can &e. I often find myself loo$ing to &oo$s as a $ind of esca(e% anot er *orld into * ic I can enter% forget myself for a * ile. It *as easier in a sense * en I *as at sc ool% &ecause it *as all laid on, you *ere ex(ected to &e t ere, you could s*itc off to an extent% dangerous as t at mig t &e in a *orld of un(redicta&ility% &ut you $ne* o* long t e s(ace *as you ad in &et*een% a re(rie'e of sorts. -ut I *ould read at sc ool too. <ot only t at% I5d stay off to read% study in my o*n terms% no (un intended% my o*n c oices. I5m getting off trac$. / e (aradox% t e irony is in =creating5 a *or$ t at mig t &e of some interest to ot ers% e'en amusement% from a situation from * ic t ere5s no esca(e% e'en t oug t e *riting of it is a form of esca(e for me% of solace e'en. " &oo$% a story is somet ing I mig t ex(ect to sin$ into, a tem(orary re(rie'e from t e 'icissitudes of one5s o*n life% as *ell as a means of gaining insig t into as(ects of it if it5s *ritten (erce(ti'ely. I5m forced to

>>1

&e my o*n t era(ist% my o*n =guru5 if you li$e% ea'ily de(endent as it is on t e t oug t of ot ers. / e ideal *ould &e to &e as o(en to guidance &y t e Coly S(irit% t e ig er self% as t e &est teac ers and learners are, t at I could 6ust (ut t e ego &y and let t e s(irit *rite for me or t roug me. " tall order in my current state of mind% situation% * ate'er. "t t e moment I feel li$e I5m going round in circles% if not ;uite, t at5s t e ego5s lac$ of (ers(ecti'e rig t t ere, feeling I may as *ell &e *riting or (ainting in "usc *it?. " lot of (ainting and *riting must5'e &een lost in t e cam(s% &ut a lot *as sal'aged too. <o* I need to try to &e and stay in t e state of mind * ere *riting a&out t is situation is 'irtually t e same t ing as sin$ing into a good &oo$. I dou&t it *ill e'er ;uite &e t at% &ut it as its moments. Is it (ossi&le to go too far% to a'e false em(at y for oneselfG -ut * at5s t at &ut t e same t ing as a'ing false em(at y for someone elseG I can loo$ at t e a((arent situation and myself from t e outside% so to say. It is only a (ro6ection after all% an illusion, t at5s (art of $ee(ing it in (ers(ecti'e. In fact% $ee(ing it in (ers(ecti'e is (ro&a&ly t e most im(ortant as(ect. I *as t in$ing of t is earlier. / at% again% t e * ole situation% t e strategy of t is system is a $ind of confidence tric$ designed to confuse one5s (erce(tions of =reality5 and immediate en'ironment% as if t ere *as t is dar$ s*arming cloud around your ead e'ery* ere you *ent, t at5s going to colour anyone5s reality. I at I don5t do% I5m finding% is gi'e in to (essimistic t oug ts% t e tem(tation to colla(se in a ea( or ail of grief and tears% feeling ugely sorry for myself. I t in$ t at5s t e attitude t at encourages t e state of mind t at does &ring on or let t e floodgates o(en to t e (ossi&ility of (anic attac$s or de(ression. I a'en5t forgotten I (artly (ro'o$ed it in a sort of =&ring it on% mot erfuc$ers5 attitude eit er. I *asn5t ;uite sure * at I ad in mind, t e idea *as 6ust to =(lay it &y ear5% see * at came to me intuiti'ely, &ut it5s easy to forget t is *ar of t e mind 7 and t at is * at it is 7 is designed to interfere *it and &loc$ t e intuiti'e faculty% de(endent on internal guidance as it is. / is * ole system is met odically geared to $ee(ing t e target or ='ictim5s5

>>2

attention directed out*ards% as !IL"ustin *ell $ne* in t e case of t e mind (arasites. "not er irony is =/ ey5 (ro&a&ly see me as t e (arasite% ostensi&ly% t oug .od $no*s t ey seem to a'e all t e time and * ere*it al in t e *orld to stal$ and arass, some* at ironic no*% * en% I recall a (rogram on t e 2-I * ere an agent says as muc a&out stal$ers and t e long letters t ey sent to t e reci(ients of t eir misguided affections and interest. I at e didn5t mention *as t e !ointel(ro% arassment% set u(s t e 2-I is a((y to commit * en it suits t em% along *it related intelligence agencies. "ll a matter of (ers(ecti'e I su((ose% and inter(retation. -ut I digress. / e =true ideal *ould &e for t ere to &e no difference &et*een &eing out in t e street and *riting. / ey &ot ta$e (lace in t e mind in any case. / e ans*er% as I $no* no*% is not to ta$e it seriously 7 or too seriously. I can &e furious% li$e t em 7 t oug it seems to &e almost self+generated in t em, t ey only a'e to find a suita&le o&6ect on * ic to (ro6ect t eir o*n (ast and unconscious guilt 7 or I can ma$e lig t of it instead. / at5s t e oddly interesting (art. I find it often *or$s, t at if I su&stitute some one+liner t at comes to mind instead of an angry res(onse% it tends to $ee( me calm too, I almost see t e funny side. I su((ose anot er *ay of (utting it is t at it el(s $ee( it in (ers(ecti'e% as I5'e said. If it5s too sarcastic it can easily generate into insults% and t at can sli( or deteriorate into anger. / ere *ere &i$es t ere earlier% =gs5 minions ma$ing sure t ey *ere t ere for me first t ing% meaning some &int came &y to catc me on t e corner of #unedin St as I (assed. It can &e difficult to see t e funny side of met odically calculated% attem(ted murder. I stuc$ my camera in er face * en s e came closest. 3n t e *ay &ac$% at t e to(L&eginning of t e street% a &lo$e% cycling% came from t e ot er direction. I s outed E"re you from t e futureGF Ce didn5t ear me t e first time% got me to re(eat it 7 so I did% I *as a((y to, it isn5t t e easiest remar$ to res(ond to. Eit er a EDesF or E<oF sound5s a &it naff. <or is it (ossi&le to ta$e any real offence to% if at all. Ce could al*ays tell me to fuc$ off% &ut t at5s almost an admission of defeat. I (ara( rased it from an old e(isode of Seined% a scene *it Elaine5s ne* &oyfriend in t e cafe. Ce5s tall% &ald% *earing a long &lac$ coat. EIs e from t e futureGF Jerry

>>3

as$s Elaine * en e5s out of ears ot. "ny*ay... It can &e difficult to $ee( t e funny side in mind * en t e amusing side for t em seems to &e &ased on t e t oug t one as no idea * at t e = idden5 intention is. It ma$es t eir sometimes+a((arent =lig t+ eartedness5% good+ umour e'en, at least in res(onse to mine% seem a lie% a (ri'ate conceit, t at t ey5re really 6ust smiling $illers. / ey $no* t ey are, it doesn5t &ot er t em, * at &ot ers t em is t eir fear of redem(tion% t e lo'e t at5s idden inside t em t at t ey co'er o'er *it t eir anger% tric$s and games. "in5t it al*ays t e *ay. 0ostly it5s &oring. "s &oring as t em and o* t ey stic$ to t eir ro&otic system, t e *ay eac one of t em &elie'es it to &e &ig% cle'er% and literally unassaila&le e'ery time. / e latter is * y t ey ne'er get &ored *it it, t ey see it as fool(roof. Ex(erts a'e designed it% after all. I at does a s itty little no&ody target $no*G / eir ne*ly ado(ted cle'erness% an extension of t e u&ris t at *as already t ere% con'inces t em it5s t e e(itome of intelligence% * en it is of course% turgid% (atently facile. I a'e t e &lo$e in mind * o% * en I5d sto((ed 6ust after !anonmills and t e &ottom of -randon /errace on t e *ay &ac$% (ut do*n t e groceries to sort out t e &ags to ma$e carrying easier% *as t ere &e ind me to (ut is foot u( on one of t e t in &alustrades &y t e road 7 it5s 'ery &usy 7 to retie is s oelace. It *as o&'iously intentional% timed so e did it% as I *as mo'ing off, I sto((ed and loo$ed at im% as is my *ay. Ce ga'e me a (redicta&le com&ination fa$e+ ;ui??ical% (seudo+annoyed loo$ as e mo'ed off. .aslig ting as al*ays. E.i'e t at man an 3scar.F <ot t at I t oug t of saying t at at t e time. I at I did s out *as E3 % I5m loo$ing at you exactly t e same *ay% (al%F * ic *asn5t too &ad. Ce didn5t say anyt ing. "n alternati'e *as to (ut my o*n foot u( as e left% &ut *it groceries it5s all too muc li$e ard *or$. It5s also *asted effort. / ey t in$ t ey5re cle'er &ecause t ey a'e t eir confederation of ot er dunces *it t eir .PS and mo&iles to guide t em% stic$ing to t eir asinine% drearily re(etitious

>>4

strategies% ne'er &oring t emsel'es &ecause t ey can indulge in t e illusion of (etty ego+trium( s% of = a'ing t e dro(5 on and im(acting t e target% *earing t em do*n% or t at5s t e idea... * ile I come u( *it somet ing different almost e'ery time% t in$ing on my feet% so to say% only% t ey5re not t e (eo(le to a((reciate it for t e most (art, t ey5re t e -ruce 2orsyt 5s% t e Paul #aniel5s of t e =gangstal$ing5 *orld, t at means all of t em, you5re t e (atsy% t e =straig t man5, t ey5re t e 6o$esters. / ey a'e no true sense of umour or intrinsic talent. If t ey did% t ey *ouldn5t &e riding around on &i$es and farting around during t e 2esti'al, t ey5re not interested in true talent% t e gifted, t ey5re num&s$ulls. .enuine talent% comedy% no dou&t (ales into insignificance in t e face of unting umans% of trying to destroy a uman &eing in t e (rocess of t eir (ale% u&ristic su&stitute for it, t ere can surely &e no &etter (unc line% no &etter (ut+do*n t an to $no* one is indulging in co'ert murder% and t at no one recognises it for * at it is &ut you% along *it your confederates in uns(o$en collusion. -ut t en only a fool &elie'es * ate'er t ey t in$ of ot ers as no &earing on o* t ey (ercei'e t emsel'es and t e *orld t ey &elie'e t ey li'e in. -ut t at5s t e =*orlders5. I5m getting &ored *it *riting a&out t e s enanigans% t e same old cra(. "ssume it goes on% as it did yesterday * en I *as out% as it did earlier% one sync ronised (iece of tri'ial cra( after anot er, t e (assing 6oggers &ot *ays% none &e ind t is time% t oug t ey *ere t ere yesterday, I antici(ated one or t*o% t e cars sto((ing and starting at =random5% taxis anging a&out after (assing me% t en 1+turning% some &int on a &i$e coming to*ards me from standing still t e moment I come out of t e su(ermar$et. I sna((ed er% caug t t e stout &lo$e at t e side *it a &i$e s e *ent to% loo$ing at me% and ga'e im an intentionally ludicrous grin. I ex(ected a car to come in from &e ind 6ust as I reac ed t e corner of #unedin Street on t e *ay &ac$% after t e &i$e. It did, I stuc$ my camera at t e ot er side of #unedin St until it crossed my line of 'ision% sna((ed it. " tall loo$ing old &lo$e% ot ers in t e car% loo$ing &ac$ at me, it could &e coincidence t is time% &ut I dou&t it, it5s al*ays timed 6ust so (at. / e t oug t of $ee(ing u(

>>>

*it t e =gs5 minion -S may a'e a more demoralising effect t an t e unrelenting arassment itself. E'eryt ing a&out it says it5s designed to *ear do*n% to ex aust. It5s 6ust too muc to $ee( u( *it % to document% t at5s * y filming it *ould &e t e sim(lest solution 7 t oug it all adds to and &ecomes (art of t e intentional 'irtual cons(iracy. Just meG <o Siree -o&. / e (olitical climate 7 as contri'ed as t e =gs5 * ic stems from it% is set u( to counter and nullify any efforts to ex(ose * at5s going on, t e (olice *ill sim(ly say t ere5s no good reason for it% t at it5s =sus(icious5% alarming to (eo(le% =sinister5 or * ate'er. In s ort% it5s e'eryt ing t ey do t emsel'es and =more5. / e difference% is t ey a'e =good reason5 for it% &ut more to t e (oint% t ere5s no reason for it in my case% as it isn5t ta$ing (lace in / eir case and to say it is% to e'en int t ere may &e somet ing unto*ard going on is self+e'idently delusional% more t an indicating some $ind of mental un&alance% * ic % con'eniently can &e inter(reted as t at one may &e a danger to oneself or ot ers% in * ic case% one can &e classed as a =terrorist5. It5s all+circular% self+self+ser'ing, =t e ego5s c aracteristic im(ossi&le situation5 7 "!I0. / e alternati'e is to ignore it 7 * ile / ey continue to try to co'ertly induce some form of =s ell+s oc$5 on t e city streets. / e orn can &e ;uite effecti'e. I at I5'e long needed is one of t ose ear+(iercing ones, I forget * at t ey5re called. I5d ear it too% &ut it5s t e element of sur(rise t at5s effecti'e% as it is for t em. 0ost of all it5s tri'ial. !I as a good analogy in 0P, t at t ey5re li$e dogs ya((ing continuously at your eels, tri'ial% &ut im(ossi&le to ignore. It does do arm in t e long run% or t at5s t e intention. 2or it5s all (art of t e attac$ on t e immune system% one5s general ealt . / e effect on t e mind may not &e self+e'ident &ut it *ill s o* u( in t e &ody% t oug as t e !ourse says% as Ia(nic$ says% t is can only a((en if guilt is acce(ted in some form% * et er consciously or unconsciously% (ro6ected or internalised% a matter of =le'el confusion5 of ego and s(irit. <o% I5'e ne'er ;uite understood it eit er% t at5s * y *riting is often suc a (recarious &usiness for me. I5m not sure * at t e ell I5m tal$ing a&out alf

>>B

t e time 8#on5t ta$e t at literally, t ere5s intuiti'e $no*ing9. <ot an admission you5ll ear from !I% or most *riters at all. E'eryone stri'es to (resent im or erself in t e &est (ossi&le lig t. I at t ey don5t $no*% t ey assume you *on5t $no* eit er. -ut t e admission of ignorance is t e &eginning of *isdom, I $no* t at muc at least. Relocating a*ay from t is concrete matrix is al*ays anot er (ossi&ility% as I say. I o(e to find it *as t e laug a&ly o&'ious one in t e long run. I didn5t e'en a'e it in mind to *rite a&out t is. I5d gone on to (ull / e #ar$ .ods off t e s elf. It came &ac$ to mind intuiti'ely% 6ust after I5d finis ed / e 0ind Parasites. It5s a&out e'eryt ing I5'e touc ed on% only% it *as (u&lis ed originally &ac$ in 1NM0. 0y edition is from 200K. /y(ically% I didn5t get around to reading it. I5d forgotten * at it *as a&out% exce(t it5s a Ho'ecraftian t eme. / ey e'en go into t e Illuminati and t eir =one *orld (lan5 &ased on t e feudal systems of t e (ast% (re+ dating #a'id Ic$e &y a decade. !I *rote t e t*el'e+(age fore*ord. Ce as 0 to say on t e (olitical as(ects, no intuiti'e sense of t e (otential im(ort of it% or fore&oding at all. In s ort% it5s left to ot er *riters, I *ouldn5t learn anyt ing a&out it from !I at all. I &ro*sed% read t e fore*ord again. I5ll come &ac$ to it% read t e &oo$ later, it loo$s really interesting% s(oiled as I am *it ;uality. Instead% I read t e tent c a(ter of #reams of t e 2uture &y ! et - Sno*. I5d ad it in mind to. "nd ad it in mind to remar$ on it% *riting t e a&o'e instead. /omorro* t en% if t ere isn5t too muc cra( to inder me. Ridiculously% I &oug t t e &oo$ many years ago. /enG 2ifteenG I *asn5t too ent usiastic. I (ro&a&ly ad t e su&conscious notion it *as full of dream anecdotes% not as interesting as it could &e. It also seemed a 'ery large &oo$, it is a ;uite large format% relati'ely small (rint% &ut not as t ic$ as I t oug t, it5s 6ust t at t e pa es are ;uite t ic$. In actual fact it co'ers a lot of ground% (syc ologically% ( iloso( ically% meta( ysically% culturally% ant ro(ologically. It5s a &it <e* "ge%

>>K

dualistic in conce(tion and inter(retation% &ut e $no*s is su&6ectLs, it *as a mista$e not to read it. 3riginally (u&lis ed in 1NMN% my co(y is from =N1. I &oug t it second+ and. It antici(ates muc of * at t e galactics are saying no*. 0ay&e t ey5ll al*ays say it... 1ntil (eo(le sto( listening. I5m &eing facetious. Ie a'e until t e end of t is year 820129 to $no* for sure. I ile I5m in facetious% getting slee(y mode% I *as o(ing t e =end times5 scenario mig t &e li$e t e scenes in t e rema$e of / e Iar of t e Iorlds% say% * ere t e minions and t e rest% *ould &e ?a((ed &y disintegration &eams 7 or t e meta( ysical e;ui'alent% o*e'er dualistic t at may &e% as *e a((roac t e centre of t is =ne*5 galactic creation &eam *e5'e su((osedly &een tra'elling t roug for some time no*. / e galactics do claim to ta$e out nuclear &ases t oug % as *ell as t at t ey intend to ;uarantine 'arious mem&ers of =t e dar$ !a&al5, t eir descri(tion. In fact t ey5re not (ermitted to ta$e life% t ey say. I don5t dou&t t ey exist% I dou&t t eir moti'es and 'eracity. <ot t at I mean t ey s ould $ill t em% e'en if / ey are a $ind of li'ing dead. #on5t ex(ect any ans*ers from me, don5t &lame me eit er, I5m 6ust a messenger+ or inter(reter. I5m as in t e dar$ as you are. -ut I do $no* * ere to loo$ no*, most of t e time any*ay.

>>M

Monday #= 6ugust / e #ar$ .ods turned out to &e a mini e(ic of sorts. I s(ent t e * ole *ee$end reading it% it *as so engrossing. Some (eo(le can read a * ole &oo$ in a day% or e'en of an e'ening, not me 8!I can% for one9. I can read t*enty (ages or so an our, t at5s it% t at5s a&out as far as it goes. I *ell recall trying to s(eed+read a num&er of !I5s &oo$s in t e <ational li&rary &ac$ * en I *as t*enty+t ree. 3ne of t em *as t e B0s no'el% <ecessary #ou&t. It *as a most unsatisfactory ex(erience% fascinated as I *as &y t e no'el. I came across co(ies years later. / is &rings to mind coming across half t e &oo$% an old (a(er&ac$ edition% in #ens Rd 0ar$et in #undee% &ac$ in 1NM1. I *as t*enty+one I5d try and rus t roug 0ar'el !omics in my early teens% and later% * en I5d c ec$ out modern titles. It 6ust *asn5t t e same * en ta$ing in t e stories at my leisure, e'ery as(ect of it, t e nuances of some of t e art*or$ and o* it related to t e story% e'en if I su((lied muc of t at meaning myself. It too$ t e (leasure out of it% made it a &it of a c ore. I at it did *as $ee( reminding me of t e *orld around me% * en t e (ur(ose of reading t e comics% mostly S(ider+0an% *as to &ecome a&sor&ed in t em and forget a&out t e e'eryday *orld and all t e (ro&lems and anxieties it re(resented. I *as reminding myself of it in t e 'ery act of trying to forget it if for a * ile% &y im(osing a sc edule% a time+(eriod I ad to &e done &y% as if t e more I could com(ress in t at time% t e more it *ould ma$e u( for it * en it ended. S(eed+reading 6ust ne'er *or$ed for me. I do understand t e need many (eo(le a'e for it% or t e need t ey feel for it, a &usy sc edule to $ee( u( *it % ot er commitments% more readin . "nd so it goes on... I t in$ *e all a'e our ideal rate of reading. If our s(eed increases% it s ould come naturally% t roug (ractice% an increase in com(re ension o'er t e years% as *ell as a reflection of a&sor(tion% excitement% not of our o so su(erior intellect. It5s clear to me t at reading fast% t e *is to s(eed+read% can &e as ego &ased as can aste. E0ore aste% less s(eedF as my mot er used to say * en s e *as late for some a((ointment. / e trou&le *as% s e still *anted t e s(eed% if understanda&ly% * ereas% it5s

>>N

(ossi&le *e5re late for a((ointments due to unconscious resentment or fear. "ny*ay... it5s (ossi&le to read t roug somet ing and ta$e in not ing+ miss t e central meaning of it. !I mig t (ut t is do*n to lac$ of concentration% or t e lac$ of firing t e arro* of intentionality *it sufficient force. -ut anot er ex(lanation is intellect can &e a &loc$ to ta$ing in t e meaning due to a com&ination of t e arrogance of t e intellect and t e unconscious fear of t e ego, yes. Suc as is reaction to "!I0. -ut I digress. / e *riters of / e #ar$ .ods are definitely of t e o(inion t e * ole *eird 123 scenario is 6ust one &ig &lac$ !a&al[or 6ust a&out. I found it an incredi&le% u(lifting ex(erience in its *ay. / e reason for t is is t at it seems to a'e &een *ritten in 1NKM for t e most (art% t oug it *as (u&lis ed in 1NM0. It may *ell (lunge us into t e dee( end *it out (reliminary% as !I says in t e (reface% also from =KM% &ut t is is almost disingenuous too% if inad'ertently. If anyt ing% t e large last section *ritten &y "nt ony Ro&erts is almost tentati'e in its conclusions% ac$no*ledging t at% on t e face of it% for some% t eir t esis mig t &e too difficult or outlandis to consider seriously. In t e lig t of future de'elo(ments% t e a((earance of #a'id Ic$e% ot ers and t eir &oo$s ex(anding on t is cosmic cons(iracy in a *ay t e aut ors could ne'er a'e en'isaged% (ossi&ly% it ma$es t eir &oo$ seem do*nrig t (ro( etic[t oug it does% as t ey (oint out% dra* on mainly t*o far earlier *or$s. It5s also interesting it *as *ritten at t e same (eriod as !I (u&lis ed is second e(ic study on t e occult% t e (aranormal% and t e su(ernatural% 0ysteries% in 1NKM. 8/ e first *as / e 3ccult of course% &ac$ in 1NK19. I *as all of nineteen at t e time% &oug t it s ortly after% tried to *or$ my *ay t roug it * en I *as t*enty 8and &efore t at% t e 3ccult during t e same year9. -ut of course I ad no means of (utting it all into some $ind of (ers(ecti'e, is *riting% t e &oo$ itself% *as t e (ers(ecti'e. Ce seemed to &e *riting a&out t e most interesting ideas in t e *orld it seemed to me. In reality% e could a'e mentioned so many

>B0

ot er *riters% suc as P ili( ). #ic$% or /erence 0c)enna% or -rad Steiger along *it ot er *riters on t e (aranormal and related su&6ects. Ce5d mention P)# after t e success of -lade Runner% mentioning t e film itself% t en included an essay on #ic$ years later% titled% Ias P ili( ) #ic$ Possessed &y an "ngelG in / e Encyclo(aedia of 0ysteries. 3ne of t ose. 0y ard&ac$ 1st edition seems to a'e long 'anis ed. / ere5s 0 on im in "lien #a*n% (u&lis ed in 1NNM. In t e case of -rad Steiger 8Eugene 3lson9% anot er su(er+ (rolific *riter on t e (aranormal etc.% it seems to me as muc an as(ect of s(ecialness[ego 7 as it mig t &e a tem(eramental or ideological difference in 'ie*(oint% t at% for * ate'er reason% e *asn5t inclined to set any store &y Steiger 8and *ife5s9 *ritings% a((arently 8It mig t &e *ort (ointing out Steiger as a distinctly ! ristian em( asis in some of is *riting% suc as in Re'elation. / e same could &e said of Steiger to*ards !I% I5'e no idea, I read !I for decades &efore I &ecame a*are of Steiger. -ut P)# too$ an interest in is *ritings% *as excited &y Re'elation. I5'e still &arely scratc ed t e surface of is *ritings. 3ne sees t e same t ing in artists% *riters in general% musicians too, t ey a'e t eir (references, it can all get (retty cli;uey% ignoring eac ot ers *or$, one as to disco'er t ings for oneself. I *as also too &usy reading t e &oo$s !I discussed as *ell as 'ainly and 'aguely trying to $ee( u( *it ot er material from my o*n cultural milieu% so to say% not least Jo n Peel. I5m *atc ing / e -irds. I en /i((i Cedren *al$ed in t e uge mo'ie setL(et s o( earlier% t e director% "lfred Citc coc$% stout% (odgy% *al$s out *it a cou(le of * ite (oodles on a lead. I5ll *rite a orror story called / e -i$es... / e -oo$s. /axi #ri'er. / e "m&ulance. / e Jogger. / ey *ere all t ere earlier. Sometimes in com&ination. Joggers tend to cou(le *it t e cyclists% coming &y in t e same direction or any direction at all+ o((osite% in t e case of earlier.

>B1

/ is film *as released in =B3. I *as four% if t at. !I (u&lis ed &ot 3rigins of t e Sexual Im(ulse% and / e 0an Iit out a S ado* t at year. -ot are a t ousand times more interesting t an t is film% or 6ust a&out anyt ing else &y Citc coc$% &ut it5s olding u(. It5s years since I sa* it. Rod Steiger5s 8 e of / e /ime 0ac ine9 earlier forlorn lo'e interest *as ;uite sexy% more my ty(e *it er dar$ air. / ere5s lots of smo$ing &y er and /i((i Cedren. / ey5re =smo$ing5... otQ seems to &e t e su&text. Hots of &irds too. Dou $ne* someone *ould ma$e t e film e'entually% 6ust as C. .. Iells *rote / e In'isi&le 0an% or Jac$ )ir&y and Jerry Siegel came u( *it Su(erman% t e man of SteelL&ra*n% "rt ur !onan #oyle came u( *it S erloc$ Colmes% t e man of -rain 7 and is e'il arc + enemyLnemesis% Professor 0oriarty. 8"lso t e man of &rain in is *ay% &ut re(resenting dia&olical cle'erness% *ar(ed intelligence one mig t say% * ereas Colmes% li$e !I imself% as ot er% intuiti'e% artistic ;ualities not limited to mere intellect% * ic *ould &e sterile. !I *rote a&out S erloc$ Colmes in / e -oo$s in 0y Hife9. "ll t e &asic t emes a'e &een co'ered% and t en some. / ere *as a long film% a fantasy% on t e ot er nig t% starring -rad Pitt, it *as a&out someone * o is &orn old% t en ages &ac$*ards, an interesting t eme% o&'iously. I couldn5t &e &ot ered *atc ing it. I can sa'e a fe* ours I told myself. I5'e sometimes &een 'ery glad I didn5t. I *on5t $no* till it5s on again. I listened to a Professor ! allenger story &y !onan #oyle t e ot er nig t, it *as on --! Radio 4 Extra. It *as all rig t, a &it of a letdo*n% (artly &ecause t e climax of t e story is contained in t e title% / e Eart Screamed. / e (rotagonist of t e tale is contacted &y t e intre(id and famous ad'enturer% ! allenger 8/ e name seems a &it of a gi'ea*ay too9% * o &elie'es t e eart is ali'e. "n antici(ation of James Ho'eloc$5s @.aia@% surelyG It5s 6ust a (ity a&out t e !ottingley 2airies. "ny*ay% t ey &urro* into t e Eart *it a uge drill in'ented &y ! allenger% and ear a 'ast% rum&ling roar% or *ords to t at effect, t e screaming of t e Eart ... ya*n. I still t in$ it5s a &etter story t an Carlan Ellison5s I Ca'e <o 0out -ut I can Scream. I ic *as a&surd, 'irtually (ointless.

>B2

I ad a *eird dream t e ot er nig t% or it5s t e only (art I can recall, it struc$ me it could ma$e an excellent &asis for a story 7 t oug it5s all a&out * at I do *it it% if anyt ing% t at counts. / e !omedian *as (ro6ecting er guilt on me% and e'ery time s e did% a (art of my &ody *ould fade. I *as 'anis ing &efore er eyes% t e more s e insisted on it. / ere5s an im(ortant meta( or in t ere some* ere. / ere5s also a (assing resem&lance to t e first story in Ro&ert ! arles Iilson5s collection% / e Perseids. -ut it5s different enoug to &e =original5. 1nless someone *rites it first. !ome to t in$ on it% it *ould &e more effecti'e if er o*n &ody faded. Somet ing li$e t at, see o* long it ta$es for er to ma$e t e connection. 3r a'e it a((en to t e * ole *orld. / ere *ould &e no one left. Some (eo(le &elie'e t e o((osite, t at if t ey (ractice "!I0% forgi'eness% t ey5ll disa((ear. !orre+ IrongO -ut it5s true *e don5t truly see anot er (erson until *e see t em as sinless. / at (ro'es for me 6ust o* (rofound dreams can &e, I can almost (icture o* t e t oug t% t e = idden5 trut of it came to &e transformed into a 'isual image. 3r o* t e idea of a 'engeful .od can &e (ro6ected out into seeing a 'engeful *orld. -ecoming lig ter doesn5t ma$e muc sense t oug % unless it5s a meta( or for coming closer to t e real *orld% in one5s mind% * ere * at a((ens in t e illusory *orld doesn5t matter. -ecause really% if you ta$e on &oard someone5s (ro6ections% &y getting angry% retaliating in some ot er *ay% you5d ex(ect your &ody to feel ea'ier% denser% as *ell as reinforcing t eir (ro6ections too. " meta( or for t e *orld% or at least t e narcissistic maelstrom t at is t e (o*ers t at &elie'e t ey are% as t ey all sin$ under t eir o*n dead *eig t. I5'e &een t in$ing and saying t is for t e (ast 20 years. <o* it loo$s li$e it 6ust mig t a((en% t oug it *ill &e set u( so t at *e go first% if *e5re un(re(ared. "ll t e more reason for getting t e ell out as &est one can% surround myself *it some $ind of li$e+minded souls * ere *e su((ort eac ot er.

>B3

0y = ay fe'er5 is acting u(. It ma$es it difficult to concentrate. It5s also 'ery umid. / is settee is uncomforta&le. I could do *it losing more *eig t. "nd a'ing a cold drin$. I5m almost out of mil$ e'en. I &oug t some Ro&inson5s diluting 6uice for t is 'ery (ur(ose, I forgot, t at *ill do me. I t in$ t ese &irds could &e ?om&ies. 3r 'am(ires. 3r (ossessed. -ig &ats *ould &e scarier. Excluding / e Exorcist% / e 0ot man Pro( ecies *as t e scariest% Jee(ers !ree(ers a close second. /0P% t e e'ents as descri&ed in t e &oo$ &y Jo n )eel% is a case of cra?yma$ing% gaslig ting (ar excellence% or in =macrocosm5% a &igger scale% as *it t e 123 ( enomenon in general. It5s descri&ed in t e #ar$ .ods. !I also *rites a&out it in 0ysteries. I intend to reread t e c a(ter 0essages from S(ace and /ime after t is film. I get it no* *it t e Ho'e&irds s e &uys at t e &eginning of t e film, irony. It5s li$e / e -irds ere sometimes. I5m sure t e seagulls $no* me no*, t ey5re marginally less *ary. I sometimes ear t em at t e *indo*% loo$ing for food% (ec$ing on t e glass. / ere5s t e Jays or 6ac$da*s too, * ic e'er t ey are% I5'e forgotten, coming in% ransac$ing t e (lace. Sometimes I5ll o(en and close t e door after t ro*ing out some &read, t e gulls s*oo( in from all angles. 0ay&e I can =anc or5 t e sig t of s*oo(ing gulls to t e arassment of t e minions% create t e illusion t ey5re &eing di'e+&om&ed. 3r get t e &irds on my side as Iillard 7 in

>B4

Iillard% did *it t e rats. / e Rats. /i((i Cedren is s ell+ s oc$ed% traumatised &y er ex(erience. S e *as tra((ed in a room *it t em. / ere *as no ex(lanation as to * at came o'er t em. "ll (art of t e mystery. I feed t e &irds from t e $itc en% go to t e &at room to c ec$ t e street% and t ey land on t e lam((ost &y my sitting+room *indo*, gulls% cro*s. 2or a moment I ad t e (assing illusion it *as as intentional% as staged as t e minions5 artificial sync ronicities, t at *ould &e all I need I t oug t, or to e'en t in$ t at. Hoo$5s li$e t e conditioning is ta$ing effect after all. 0ar$ Ric *rites some* ere t at t e =gs5 utilise &irds for arassment too. I s ould go &ac$ to t at% a'e a closer loo$. I react *it automatic dis&elief * en I read somet ing li$e t at. /argets say all manner of strange t ings% suc as t ey can tell * en t ey5re interfering *it t eir dreams. )ee(ing u( *it t e latest nefarious de'elo(ments as touc ed on in <exus 0aga?ine% I don5t rule suc t ings out any more in t e *ay I used to, &ut * o is suc an ex(ert on t eir o*n dreams or dream states% t ey can tell * en some outside (arty or (arties are interfering *it t emG I5'e &arely ta$en on &oard t e idea t at =inserts5 can &e% a % inserted into /4 and radio &roadcasts for t e target alone% t oug I a'e a reasona&ly sim(le ( iloso( y no*adays: I ate'er anyone can come u( *it % * ate'er is (ossi&le% t ey5re going to try and (ut it into o(eration, it *ill &e utilised for t e (ur(ose of attac$% of *ar% (syo(s% mind control. It5s only uman nature, or t e ego5s. " 'ariation on interference is (ro6ecting =images of t e &rain5 7 dreams 7 onto a screen. / e Scottis no'elist% #a'id Hindsey% as is (rotagonist &uild suc a dream+mac ine in one of is no'els. QI felt a real sense of ex ilaration reading / e #ar$ .ods% once it *as clear * at it *as a&out and t e extent of t e cons(iracy t ey *ere descri&ing% 'ery muc t e grand cons(iracy, a cons(iracy of Ic$ian (ro(ortions one could descri&e it as. / ey 7 .eoff .il&ertson and "nt ony Ro&erts% discuss some of t e 'ery same su&6ects% only% Ic$e ta$es it all furt er.

>B>

-ut it really only confirms most of * at e said. / ey5re e'en touc ing on t e Re(tilian t eme% if not as ex(licitly. 3ne could say it5s all t ere. / e ex ilaration stemmed from% I t in$% t e increasing realisation t at (eo(le a'e &een =on t e case5% trying to get to t e roots of t is cons(iracy for a long time[a 'ery long time. "nd from t e a*areness% t e con'iction% t at t is glo&al co'ert (syo(s situation *ill come to &e recognised as &eing a (art of it% a nasty little offs oot if you li$e% in (syc ological terms% &ut also an integral (art of it% a 'irtual *orld cult no*% of e(ic (ro(ortions in its o*n *ay% of =artificial sync ronicity5 8to confuse and interfere *it targets (erce(tions of e'eryday e'ents9% (ermeating e'ery as(ect of society. tt(:LL***.youtu&e.comL*atc G']3'44:u?du+ oWfeature]youtu.&e "nd (eo(le still as$ o* t e <a?is could a'e a((ened. / e ans*er% at least in (art% is t at e'ery generation is told it5s necessary% a((ealing to t eir sense of nationalism[not a good t ing[at t e same time as t ey5re a((y to see t emsel'es as im(ortant% essential e'en% as *ell as t at it5s &ig and cle'er. It must &e% no matter o* tri'ial in (ractice% o* asinine% for it5s de'ised &y adults in "ut ority% * o told t em to go out and (ractice t e gos(el of =dar$ <HP5. / at5s * y I5m all t e more con'inced t at t e ig er u( t e (yramid it goes% t e more (syc o(at ically orientated it is, t at t e essence of *orldly (o*er% its moti'ation% goals and as(irations% is t e o((osite of anyt ing t at mig t &e termed =normal5. 3ne mig t ex(ect t em to &e =neutral5 in some sense, t at t ey 6ust a((en to &e more materialistic% say. It turns out it isn5t anyt ing of t e $ind% or 6ust t at. / ey *ors i( Hucifer% t e false .od% =Satan5% call im * at you li$e. / ey5re acti'ely against Jesus% ! ristianity and .od. / ey5re Satanists% =de'ilLdemon5+*ors i((ers. -y * ic I mean t ey5re against true% .nostic ! ristianity. =.ood ! ristians5% c urc +grou(s etc.% seem as a((y to go along *it t is *ar(ed agenda as t ey did in t e <a?i or any ot er era. I mig t5'e guessed% &ut didn5t need to, Ic$e as &een saying it for years, / e #ar$ .ods says t e same. <ot t at I literally

>BB

&elie'e in t e de'il or demons% &ut * o $no*s for sure * ere t e latter is concernedG Jesus% in / e 1rtext 'ersion of t e !ourse% t e earlier% unedited 'ersion% seems to say t at t ere are no demons% t at t e conce(t is (urely (syc ological. Presuma&ly t is can also include some as(ect of t e mind t at can manifest (aranormal effects% suc as (oltergeist occurrences. !I ta$es muc t is 'ie* at t e end of t e for*ard to / e #ar$ .ods% saying e attri&utes it to t e idden side of t e mind% &ut% as e *rites% =it *ould &e flatly a&surd to exclude ot er (ossi&ilities.5 In fact% e &elie'es in t e reality of s(irits. -efore t at t oug % e made t e (oint of su&tly dismissing[ or =dis(osing5 of[t e notion of any e'il s(irits or =#ar$ .ods5% also a'ing said e =feels rat er as if / C Cuxley mig t a'e felt if e5d &een as$ed to introduce a 'olume of !ardinal 0anning5s sermons[&ecause t e *riters are con'inced 1fologists as *ell as &elie'ing in t e o&6ecti'e reality of t eir #ar$ .ods.5 / ere are some odd contradictions and ironies ere% not too difficult to discern no*% &ut not so easy to ex(lain. Co*e'er su&tle !I5s 'ie*(oint% e did come to ta$e some of t e (ronouncements of t e =s(ace &rot ers5 seriously% suc as =t e <ine Princi(les5 of 1ri .eller fame as *ell as is mentor% "ndri6a Pu aric % as descri&ed in / e 3ccult% and 0ysteries as I recall% and later% / e 3nly Planet of ! oice% t e c annelled 'olume% * ic e discusses at some lengt in "lien "genda% t*enty years into t e future% t oug e (resents a semi+sce(tical account in 0ysteries. / ere5s t e &enefit of some indsig t ere% as *ell t e (u&lication of / e Stargate !ons(iracy only a year later% * ere Pic$nett and Prince (ic$ed u( on t ese t emes% tying it in to a glo&al cons(iracy t at in'ol'es t e Intelligence agencies% t e !I" and 0)+1ltra mind+control ex(eriments% along *it an a(ocaly(tically t emed fundamentalism lin$ed to t e &elief in t e reality of t e ancient star gods of Egy(t. / e latter% is exactly * at !I too$ seriously% * ate'er e &elie'ed t eir ultimate origins to &e. Ce dismissed t e cons(iracy and fundamentalist as(ects 7 t at t ere5s a co'ert effort to snea$ in a dar$ !ro*ley+

>BK

ins(ired religion &y t e &ac$ door% * ic *ill re(lace ! ristianity. In s ort% a reintroduction and ex(ansion of t e t eme of t e earlier #ar$ .ods% t e cons(iracy and (olitical side e do*n(lays t roug inference and omission. It5s ironic e t en goes on to cite 0adame -la'ats$y% * en% later in t e &oo$% t e aut ors are clear in t eir o(inion s e *as a ma6or (layer and influence in t e goals of t is dar$% ;uasi+cosmic cons(iracy to do a*ay *it ! ristianity and .od% to re(lace Cim *it t e =lig t5 of Hucifer. / ey (osit t at t is is t e goal of all t ese secret societies% from t e early Illuminati% to t e 3rder of t e .olden #a*n and t e Rosicrucians and ot ers% to / e / eoso( ical society to / e "nt ro(oso( ical Society &ased on t e teac ings of Rudol( Steiner% to t e Scientologists and t e "t erius Society% Illuminati &eliefs and goals o'ers ado* t em all. !I also seems to &e as disingenuous as to t e aut ors5 ultimate conclusions * en discussing t e (ossi&ility of disem&odied s(irits% raised &y t e &oo$ as e says% and t e (ossi&ility t ey could &e =e'il5. Ce remar$s t at Q Tues #/ 6ugust
;7 %he very title of the book implies that the answer is <es+ But such a belief raises basic philosophical problems+ It is true that ;dualism3 is one of the world3s oldest forms of religion=the belief that there are forces of evil as well as good in the universe+ I find myself inclining more to the notion that there are such things as ;forces of good3+3

Ce goes on to ;ualify t is *it a su&tle mini+discourse on t e meaning of e'il% t e gist of * ic it s ouldn5t &e ta$en literally. -ut is ex(lanation is itself dualistic in t at e acce(ts a dualistic *orld as a reality. #ualism may *ell &e a form of religion as e says% &ut it also means * at it means% as does non+dualism. "nd t is is t e crux of t e matter. 2or me% it5s 6ust muddying t e *aters * en e goes on to discuss t e (ro&lem in furt er =dualistic5 terms% (syc ologically, it5s all a &it circular and self+ ser'ing. It5s illogical to t en go on to say t is seems to dis(ose of

>BM

t e notion of e'il s(irits or =#ar$ .ods5% more t an im(lying it5s t e aut ors of t e &oo$ * o a'e a dualistic% =sim(listic5 outloo$% &efore going on to ;ualify t at &y ac$no*ledging t e (ossi&ility of =non+( ysical 8=or at least% non+fles y59 life+forms%5 saying t ey must &e su&6ect to t eir o*n forms of limitation. "s I said% e goes on to ;uote -la'ats$y% * o =taug t t at our eart is t e lo*est of se'en (ossi&le =(lanes5% t e most ea'ily *eig ted do*n *it matter% t e 'ery density of * ic (ermits a far ig er le'el of ac ie'ement t an any ot er (lane.5 I ic is fair enoug % exce(t t at5s (ure dualism too.
;++++ 'iving creatures without dense physical bodies might well e>perience their own forms of rage and frustration+ ,hich in turn! suggests that they might be capable of their own forms of mischief++++ In short! as I have suggested elsewhere 60ysteries% t en later% "fterlife% ot ers?! the spirits that seem to spend so much time manifesting themselves through mediums may be the crooks! murderers and @uvenile delinAuents of the ;astral plain3+3

/ is may *ell &e true% &ut any (lane or dimension% astral or ot er*ise% t at in'ol'es t e &ody% is an as(ect of t e ego% and illusory for t at reason% ultimately. "s e goes on to say% e (refers to $ee( an o(en mind. <ot ;uite as o(en as e (resumes, adds% =t at as a matter of common sense5[* ate'er t at is% exactly[=I am (ersonally inclined to ex(lain most (aranormal ( enomena in terms of our = idden side of t e mind5. -ut it *ould &e flatly a&surd to exclude ot er (ossi&ilities.5 Exce(t * en e does go on to flatly exclude t em% suc as t e non+ dualistic meta( ysics of "!I0% to name t e !ourse s(ecifically in t is instance. It5s no *onder t at *it t is con'oluted com(lexity% su&tle distortion almost im(ossi&le to discern% e couldn5t deal *it t e uncom(romising clarity and sim(licity of t e !ourse. / ere is% as almost al*ays% 0 a&out t e fascist and <a?i connotations *it many of t e (layers in'ol'ed. -ut t e (oint is% t e aut ors of / e #ar$ .ods t emsel'es go on to state t at t e =dualistic *ar5 of t e =dar$ gods5 is a meta( ysical =teac ing mec anism5% allo*ing created life t e freedom of c oice for s(iritual gro*t &ac$ to*ards e;uili&rial god ead.5 I ate'er t at is% exactly. 3neness

>BN

*it .od% I imagine. / ey also state% in so many *ords% t at t e (ur(ose of all t is ;uasi+co8s9mic cra?yma$ing is so *e learn to rise a&o'e and laug at dualism. / e aut ors% as is clear from t e former statement% &elie'e .od creates us% t at t is is =life5% as is t e *orld[* ic is in itself dualistic. Iit all t e references to ley lines% =sacred5 s(ots and (laces etc.% t ey (resuma&ly su&scri&e to t e notion of t e eart as a li'ing entity. 3n t e ot er and% so to say% I5m sure t ey (ut =sacred (laces5 in ;uotes t emsel'es. / ey also scorn t e notion t at Para( ysical occurrences originate from =eart sources5, t e researc es of Paul #e'ereux and ot ers. !I% in 0ysteries% remar$s t at =t e dean of modern ufologists% -rinsley He Poer /renc 5[Hord !lancarty[=ta$es a mid*ay 'ie* in 3(eration Eart % in * ic e suggests t ere are t*o lots of s(ace (eo(le% =t e real S$y Peo(le% * o a'e &een around since time immemorial5% and some more sinister aliens% * o li'e some* ere near 8or inside9 t is (lanet, t ese t*o factions% e suggests% are engaged in a *ar to control t e minds of men.5 <o* *e5re getting some* ere% (er a(s. I5ll ;uote t e * ole of t e next (aragra( &ecause it5s 'ery succinctly and articulately (ut. It5s also an excellent instance of is disingenuously =*ell+&alanced5 style. Ce5s so ade(t at *riting in t e style of t e ex(ertly im(artial% almost sce(tical% =(laying t e de'il5s ad'ocate5 mode% it5s easy to let sli( from mind 6ust o* sym(at etic e came to &e to t is idden and unac$no*ledged 0illennialL"(ocaly(tic agenda% along *it .ra am Cancoc$% Ro&ert -au'al% James Curtag 8/ e )eys of Enoc 9% I itley Strei&er% ot ers% as descri&ed in / e Stargate !ons(iracy.
;*ost of the writers on :F#s direct a certain amount of indignation =or sad reproach=at the millions of sceptics who persist in believing that the whole phenomenon can be e>plained in terms of hysteria or hallucination+ But this attitude is in itself unrealistic+ Before anyone can be @ustly blamed for refusing to ;face facts3! it must be shown the facts are there to be faced+ 2nd the most baffling and frustrating thing about the :F# phenomenon is that the

>K0

;facts3 point in a doBen different directions+ If! as ufologists believe! these craft are controlled by e>traterrestrial intelligences! then it seems to be their deliberate policy to provide evidence that will confuse even the believers+3

.ood one. -ut e5s 6ust ac$no*ledged t ere could &e t*o factions of s(ace (eo(leL&rot ers. In / e #ar$ .ods% t e aut ors ac$no*ledge muc t e same, ot er*ise t eir argument *ould &e * olly negati'eL(essimistic. It5s surely (ossi&le t en% (ro&a&le one mig t t in$% if *e ac$no*ledge t e existence of &ot factions in * ate'er form% t at it *ould &e t e =negs5 * o are intent on causing most% if not all of t e confusionG "re *e really going to (ostulate t at more enlig tened% *iser &eings *ould (ractice some form of cosmic gaslig ting% cra?yma$ing to get t e &est out of us in terms of emotional and intellectual de'elo(mentG 3r in e'olutionary terms as !I mig t say. "nyt ing5s (ossi&le I su((ose. / e *riters of / e #ar$ .ods seem to acce(t suc a stoic notion, t at it all does us good in t e end. Jesus% in "!I0 says muc t e same t ing: t at =E'eryt ing *or$s for t e general good exce(t in t e ego5s 6udgement5. -ut e also em( asises =Ho'e does not $ill to sa'e5. I t in$ negati'e is negati'e% as is murder% deat , t at t e only ans*er is to recognise t em for t e illusions t ey are. / e same as to go for any negati'e entities or occurrences. It de(ends on o* *e inter(ret t em and * at *it . It mig t &e $e(t in mind t at I5m commenting on *ritings from o'er t ree decades ago. I can come to !I5s "lien "genda again% along *it ot ers+ suc as )eit / om(son5s "ngels and "liens and -rian "((leyard5s "liens% t e former (u&lis ed in 1NN1 and t e latter in 200> 8I met im at t e -oo$ 2esti'al at t e time% after is tal$Linter'ie*% ad im sign t e &oo$% as$ed im * y e didn5t include any )en !arey% insensiti'e di(stic$Lclod t at I can &e. "n onloo$er ste((ed in and rescued im9. / e galactics@ t emsel'es ac$no*ledge t e existence of ot er% negati'e craftLextraterrestrials% t is in messages from 6ust some mont s &ac$% saying t ese a'e &een excluded% ;uarantined from t e 'icinity of Eart . !I% in "lien "genda% (u&lis ed in =NM% ;uotes =/om5% a sort of s(o$esman for t e <ine in / e 3nly Planet of

>K1

! oice 8c annelling from =t e <ine5[* o claimed to &e t e original Egy(tian gods% and *ere later t e =stars5 of / e Stargate !ons(iracy9 as saying t e Eart itself is under ;uarantine. <one of t is is t ere in t e =0essages from S(ace and /ime5 c a(ter of 0ysteries% for t e &oo$ *as yet to &e (u&lis ed[or c annelled for all I $no*% t oug e does mention t e c annel% P yllis Sc lemmer% a friend and associate of "ndri6a Pu aric 8along *it Jo n I itmore% =-o&&y Corne5% =a alf+Indian (syc ic ealer5[t e <ine claimed t ey are t e Egy(tian gods in (re'ious incarnations% as !I =sce(tically5 remar$s on in 0ysteries9% .eller5s former mentor, t ey5d (arted com(any &y t en% t oug not &efore t ey ad a series of incredi&le% air+ raising ad'entures in'ol'ing t e galactics[t e <ine in t is case [* o claimed to &e t e source of .eller5s (aranormal a&ilities. / e 3nly Planet of ! oice came later. !I5s account is &ased on Stuart Colroyd5s Prelude to t e Handing on Planet Eart . Colroyd *ent on to (u&lis "lien Intelligence in 1NKN% a year after 0ysteriesQ It5s too *arm% umid. I5m going to ra( t is u( for t e time &eing, stand+u( tal$. I a'e ot er t ings on my mind% t oug t is is as good a su&6ect as any% &ut I5ll condense it% so to say, truncate and summarise it. I a'en5t made u( my mind yet as to * et er I s ould get a 'idcam or t e Internet &ac$ on% let alone fat om * et er =aliens5 are =real5 or some $ind of (ro6ection. I t in$ t e in$ling of an ans*er lies rig t t ere in t at statement some* ere. I5d li$e to edit t is for clarity% mista$es% inconsistencies% *ild self+ contradiction etc. I ate'er t e reasons are anyone edits at all, t en (ut it on Scri&d for a little * ile as I say 7 famous last *ords 7 * ile I decide * at I5m doing for t e rest of t e 2esti'al. It may *ell 6ust entail going &ac$ to t is manuscri(t of sorts and ex(anding on it% correcting it. I5m not claiming it5s some $ind of =definiti'e5 study, far from it, I5'e &arely scratc ed t e surface of anyt ing. "s any fule $no% t e more one studies a su&6ect or su&6ects% t e more one realises t ere is to learnL$no* 7 and unlearn. / at must &e t e meaning of * at it is to &e =full of s it5. " ead full of nonsense. I5m not really a =sc olar5 as suc % more

>K2

of an occasionally ins(ired dilettanti% a natural comedian% a =sce(tic5s sce(tic5. "ny*ay% I can5t &e &ot ered going t roug any more of t e c a(ter in !I5s 0ysteries in any linear fas ion% let alone going t roug "lien #a*n% t oug I did read it s ortly after it *as (u&lis ed. I5d li$e to read it again no*, 6ust not *rite my *ay t roug it. -ut I mig t feel differently after I read it of course% and t e summerL2esti'al is o'er. "t t e moment% I feel it5s (assing me &y. / is *ould &e muc t e case in any case. I5m t roug listening to t e inconse;uential% sometimes inane *itterings and =o&ser'ations5 of most comedians% o*e'er amusing. / at5s a &it unfair% as many are &rilliant of course, &ut for t e money I mig t s(end% I could get some of t e &oo$s I =really5 *ant% suc as Jo n 0a6or Jen$ins5 latest e(ic% is definiti'e statement on 2012% (re+2012. .od $no*s * ere e5ll ang is ead * en t e &ig e'ent% t e &ig tamale% doesn5t trans(ire, or I *ill mine if it does, o me of little fait . If anyone s ould &e a =true &elie'er5% it5s me. I &et *e all t in$ t at of oursel'es. "not er &oo$ is t e u(dated cons(iracies study &y "ndy / omas. "nd not last and not least% Ic$e5s ne* one% t oug I couldn5t see it in any Iaterstones5 last *ee$, it5s &een out for mont s, t e &ranc in .eorge Street said it *as a'aila&le. -ut I digress. Q!I ;uotes Jac;ues 4allee% * o says it5s as if t e * ole 123 (ro&lem is designed to confound * ate'er angle one tries to a((roac it from, I5m (ara( rasing. "nd t at e% !I% &elie'es t ey =re(resent anot er le'el of existence% cutting t roug ours at rig t angles5. 3$ay. 4allee says a (o*erful force is influencing uman$ind% &ut * et er t e source of it originates in t e mind 8 ec$% it5s all in t e mind 7 &ut it5s =out t ere5 too9 or alien intelligences% e5s not sure. !I% as e fre;uently reiterates% &elie'es t ey originate from some as(ect of =t e ladder of sel'es5[ is o*n conce(t 8and reminiscent of t e !ourse t eme% in its su((lement% / e Song of Prayer9% t at% t ey come% as e5s said% from some idden as(ect of t e mind% * et er t at5s t e su&conscious or t e su(erconscious.

>K3

In s ort% t at t ey5re some form of (ro6ection% as Jung as said, e mentions Jung. !I (ro&a&ly its t e nail on t e ead at t e end of t e c a(ter% * en e states *e5re not * o *e t in$ *e are% t at t e I t at *e &elie'e *e are% is some $ind of im(ostor% t at in some sense% e'eryday existence isn5t * at *e ta$e it to &e. Ce5s good at t is. It5s ;uite uncanny. Ce does it again some years later at t e end of " !riminal Cistory of 0an$ind% (u&lis ed in 1NM4% * ere e says t e criminal is a $ind of illusion% a =s(ectre of t e &roc$en5. Ce may as *ell a'e stated e &elie'ed t e * ole t ing to &e an illusion% 6ust come rig t out *it it, &ut e doesn5t% till years later% in is later auto&iogra( y% and e'en t en e can5t ;uite state it categorically. Ce does mention /. !. Het &ridge again% featured in t e first c a(ter of 0ysteries 8I did go on to read most of is &oo$s many years ago, t ey *ere ;uite fascinating9. Het &ridge &elie'ed 123s came from ot er dimensions% as e says. / at as to &e t e =ans*er5% doesn5t it% as e reiterates in "lien #a*n% descri&ing t e mec anism of t e craft. / at t e c anges in colour seen are &ecause t ey5re s ifting t roug t e electromagnetic s(ectrum as t ey s ift interdimensionally / ey5re s a(es ifters[and not necessarily in t e Re(tilian sense eit er. / ey5'e learned or e'ol'ed to tra'erse ot er dimensions at *ill. / ey state t is t emsel'es% t at t ey5re from t e fourt dimension, or t e fift . I could &e t in$ing of t e &and from t e Sixties. )idding. Ie5re t ird dimensional% a((arently. Suffice it to say it5s all t ere in E/ 101% as *ell as t e communications of t e galactics5 t emsel'es% if =t emsel'es5 t ey are. / ere5s also !arey5s Starseed /ransmissions from almost t e same year as !I5s 0ysteries% t oug it *as (u&lis ed in 1NM2. Ce didn5t include or discuss t ese in "lien "genda% t oug t ey ma$e nonsense of is claim in 0ysteries and else* ere t at =s(irit messages5 are in'aria&ly tri'ial. / ere *as al*ays more to t em t an t e mediumistic messages e focused on. !arey5s sources% as I5'e said% ma$e it a&undantly clear t at t ey5re =arc angelic% extraterrestrial entities5 t at can s ift from =s(irit5 to more tangi&le dimensional fre;uencies, t ey can a((ear

>K4

to us in ours% for it5s only a (lane of existence% anot er lo*er 'i&rational fre;uency. <ot only t at% &ut t ey claim to &e an as(ect of us% and t at *e are t em% in a non+linear sense, time is an illusion% after all% as are *e. / e only lesson *ort learning% e'entually[and as time is illusory% and a lesson already learned% it5s only t e ego t at ma$es it seem intermina&le% nig on im(ossi&le[guilt isn5t real and forgi'eness is t e last illusion% &ut t e one t at *ill dis(el all t e rest% as Jesus says in "!I0. If t ere really are =male'olently inclined =aliens5% t en t ey5re an illusion% as e'il doesn5t truly exist% as !I &elie'es 8Ce &elie'es it doesn5t truly exist9, &ut t en neit er does t e more &ene'olently inclined ones, nor do *e% in reality. -ut one can5t go t roug life denying one5s existence, it *ould get us no* ere% and% as t e !ourse states% is an unnecessary form of denial% un*ort y of us. /o all intents and (ur(oses *e do exist% clearly% until *e5'e learned our lessons ere. / e =alien agenda5 may *ell &e an im(ortant as(ect of t at, it loo$s li$e it is. / e negati'e extraterrestrial (ur(ose mig t &e to inder us in our emotional de'elo(ment and e'olution, it loo$s li$e it is. !I ;uotes 4allee% saying t at *e seem to &e under a control system, t at5s t e (ur(ose of t e 123s% * et er (ositi'ely or negati'ely. It5s (ossi&le t e negati'e ex(eriences of Jo n )eel% ot ers% mig t 6ust &e a reflection 8(ro6ection9 of t eir o*n ego5s in a negati'e sense% and t e =(syc e5Legos of t e (eo(le in'ol'ed% in / e 0ot man Pro( ecies. -ut t ey can ardly &e &lamed for t at% in t e *ay *e5re not al*ays res(onsi&le for t e (ro6ections of ot ers, or at all sometimes. / e im(ortant t ing is o* *e c oose to inter(ret it, t at dictates our res(onse. -ut it doesn5t sur(rise me t at extraterrestrial entities mig t indulge in some cosmic% cra?yma$ing s enanigans on a far larger and unsettlingly distur&ing scale[in t e same *ay t e co'ert minions seem to &e t e =foot soldiers5 of sorts * ose mission it is to cra?yma$e t e *orld% or certain =(syc ic5 nodal (oints in it[t e selected =/Is5[on a far more =(ro'incial5% (aroc ial scale% e'en if it is glo&al. / is could &e t e =secular5 ego res(onse% t roug t e

>K>

negati'e extraterrestrials controlling t e IlluminatiL5Elite5 from t e to( do*n% rig t do*n to t e minions and t eir targets% often artists and ot er =sensiti'es5, t e (otential ar&ingers of t e real *orld in t e (resent% if you li$e. In an u(side+do*n *orld% (er a(s t e no&odies are not ;uite as unim(ortant or inconse;uential as t e P/- and ot ers *ould a'e us &elie'e. I don5t necessarily &elie'e t at% in t e sense they mig t% &ut t at doesn5t mean t ey don5t, it doesn5t (ro'e t ey do eit er &ut * at I do $no* for sure% illusory or no% is t at it5s a((ening. Dou could (ut it do*n to =sim(le5 fascism% t e rise of t e (olice state% o*e'er idden% co'ert% as P)# *ell $ne*% or you could also seriously consider t e (ossi&ility of a male'olent inter+ dimensional as(ect or infiltration and agenda% 6ust as Ic$e as descri&ed. / e (ro&lem is * et er t e galactics5 are a (art of t at co'ert agenda too, t e (ro'er&ial *ol'es in s ee(5s clot ing. I5m inclined% at t e moment% to go *it t e *riters of t e #ar$ .ods. It could &e a 'ery su&tle form of fundamentalism% coercion t roug dissociation of some $ind. 8If t at seems as far+fetc ed as considering t e (ro&a&ility / ey exist% consider t e negati'e entitiesLextraterrestrials can5t &e sane% or t ey *ouldn5t &e a'e as t ey do and a'e t e agenda t at t ey do9. !on'ersely... (er a(s t e &ene'olently inclined galactics a'e as muc trou&le *it t e true definition of non+dualism and le'el confusion as t e rest of us 8#onald <eal Ials and -ar&ara 0arx Cu&&ard come to mind% &ot fer'ent &elie'ers in t e u(coming transformation of consciousnessL20129. "nd can t ey really &e &lamed for t e follo*ers t ey5'e attracted o'er t e decades% if not centuriesG /o to( it all% and confound me &eyond com(re ending% I did a'e a sig ting some mont s &ac$, one of t eir s i(s made an a((earance in t e e'ening% after I5d ad a 'ery toug % arassed afternoon. I $id t ee not. I couldn5t see it as anyt ing ot er t an an emotionalL (syc ological &oost% as t at *as t e effect. -ut as for insidious and su&tle forms of fundamentalism and fascism% I only a'e to recall t e scenario as descri&ed in Pic$nett and Prince5s / e Stargate !ons(iracy. I5ll (ro&a&ly ne'er &elie'e in t is =0atrieya5% =Iorld /eac er5. / e (ro&lem is in acce(ting a

>KB

dualistic solution. / is is * y !I can ne'er seem to see &eyond is o*n dualistic outloo$, it5s ego+&ased% o*e'er su&tly disguised, it5s * y e *ent on to (refer t e c annelled messages of =/om5 and ot ers of / e 3nly Planet of ! oice 8"t one (oint /om states Jesus came from t e (lanet Coo'a+ an a&surdity9 to t e uncom(romising non+dualism of " !ourse in 0iracles. It5s * y e sided *it and c am(ioned cle'er self+decei'ers and closet millennialists in t e a(ocaly(tic 'ein% li$e Cancoc$ and -au'al% * o% as Pic$nett W Prince (oint out% demonstrated t e same inflexi&ility in attitude as t e ort odoxy t ey claimed to &e im(ro'ing u(on. !arey5s sources *ere al*ays cognisant of non+dualism, t ey5re also couc ed in a distinctly =! ristian5 context% as I say. It *ill &e a great (ity if t eir often+su&lime messages amount to noug t 809. Ce ad some (retty fanta&ulous messages['irtual essays[for is &log, I5d li$e to get u( to date, t at and see * at t e galactics are saying too. <one of !arey5s e'er claimed to &e =t e <ine5. -ut t e .alactics% s(ecifically "s tar !ommand and t e .alactic 2ederation of PlanetsLHig t% *ere t e sourceLs of t e su(remely funny and erudite E/ 101. 2or all my reser'ations% I5m fore'er curious% fascinated.... seducedG I try and &alance it &y $ee(ing u( *it 2acim5s latest articles% excer(ts% and 'ideos. / at% and *atc ing e(isodes of / ird Roc$ from t e Sun. Cumour $ee(s my feet on t e ground. I recorded t em a * ile &ac$. It5s &rilliant. I5'e &een a fan for years. I a'en5t got around to mentioning somet ing% a &it of a &lo*% &ut no great &ig deal. I5m too slee(y no*. Ste( en )ing5s / e #omeG I a'en5t e'en finis ed !ell yet. -ut it5s long.

>KK

Thursday2 mid-6ugust Staying in *riting really seems to s(ur t e minions+ and more accurately% t eir andlerLs into action. 2rom t eir (oint of 'ie*% all t ey see is t at I5m not going out% and% inter(ret t at accordingly% (ouncing on me% or * ome'er t ey t in$ mig t &e me at t e slig test o((ortunity. -y t at% I mean of course% t at I (layed e'ery 'ariation in =going out5 t at came to me% from cons(icuously cons(icuousL&latantL5loud5 o(ening and closing% to gi'ing it t e slig test little s o'e eit er *ay 7 a moc$ o(ening t at sounds as if I5m trying to sli( out ;uietly% as I say. 3n se(arate occasions *it t at one% t ere5s &een sudden &i$es going &y% an 1PS 'an s ooting do*n from t e to( of t e street so as to come at &rea$nec$ s(eed% 6ust as I5d &e t ere if I ad *ent out% and a female 6ogger a((earing diagonally% from t e side% solely for t e (ur(ose of &eing t ere to &e t ere * en I *as ex(ected to &e t ere, I $no* t is 7 not t at I5d a'e any dou&ts in any case 7 &ecause s e *ent only as far as t e =social clu&5 some yards a*ay 7 I5d already eard t em out on t e street 7 t en sto((ed * en s e t oug t s e *as out of sig t 8t e car*as &uilding 6uts out% &ut &ecause t e roof is lo*er% I could see t e to( alf of er &ody as I leaned out of t e loo *indo*9 and =c ec$ed5 t e time on er *atc % &efore coming &ac$ on t e o((osite side% *al$ing along t e (a'ement.

>KM

It5s ;uite common for t em to &arely (retend any more% t ey5re so confident, it5s only me * o sees * at5s going on after all% and ot er stal$ers in collusion. S e *asn5t going to *aste time going furt er * en t at *asn5t t e (ur(ose. S ortly after% s e came out *it anot er &int on a &i$e after I did my =su(er &rilliant5 door scam yet again% only% I *atc ed from t e loo again% rat er t an lea'e it as I often do 7 t e former surely gi'es t e game a*ayG 7 "rmed *it a =funny5. EI PI/D /CE 233HOF I said% in my &est 0r / im(ression. / ey &ot loo$ed u(% as if t ey5d 6ust seen me 8I o5s t e nutG9. I eard t e stairLmain door &elo* slam at 6ust t e same time as I said it, it sounded li$e someone going out. !urses. Just * at t ey *ant. 0ay&e. 3n second t oug ts% (erfect. -ut cars and t e rest *ere really ;uic$ on t e mar$% ?i((ing in in a matter of seconds to &e t ere o((osite% * en I *as ex(ected to s o* u(. Sometimes I5ll slam t e *indo* closed at t e same time t ey close t eir car door% or 6ust &efore, I a'e a num&er of 'ariations on t at too% (laying t em at t eir o*n game. I5ll stand my tam&ourine on its side% let it dro( on t e sill as t ey (ass etc. "s *ell as t e 6oggers% dogs% flurries of 'e icles going &y 7 t e usual tell+tail ga(s in &et*een% o&'ious in t eir inacti'ity and silence% a =$id5 came running &y o((osite% t is after anot er door (ull and (us + I *as really ta$ing t e (iss &y no*, sometimes I *ant to see o* long t ey $ee( t is u(% t oug a strategy is to send someone to sit around in a 'e icle. I can do it in (assing &ac$ and fort from t e $itc en% as I said, or t e loo. I almost missed t e &i$e $ee(ing a(ace *it im as I5d ste((ed a*ay from t e *indo*% not ex(ecting muc , I caug t 6ust t e flas of t e red t+s irt and to( of is ead 7 * ic *asn5t actually flas ing. / ey (aired u( a &it furt er u( t e road% c atting to eac ot er% o&'iously toget er 7 i.e.% in collusion. / is ma$es it a&undantly clear t e cyclists and 6oggers are in collusion on &usier streets and roads% e'en t oug t ey mig t not seem to &e to (assers+&y% traffic, &ut 6ust o* gulli&le can (eo(le &eG / ey a'e / e /ruman S o* rig t in front of t eir faces and t ey don5t see itG / ere can &e any com&ination of collusion too% as *it cars and 6oggers.

>KN

-ut as I say% a modicum of self+c osen solitude to *rite in my admittedly semi+o&sessi'e *ay sometimes% and t ey5re closing in for t e $ill, t ey can smell &lood% o*e'er imaginary, it5s all in t eir o*n minds, it5s Eincrease t e (ressure% it5s *or$ingOF / ey5re ;uite merciless a&out it. /o s(eculate t ey don5t $no* * at t ey5re doing is -S. / ey5re instructed as to * at t ey do. I at do t ey think t ey5re doing% or * at it5s forG It5s to destroy, it5s to murder a (erson. It5s t e attem(t to dri'e a (erson to suc an a(at etic state% t at t eir life falls a(art &ecause it5s 6ust =easier5 to gi'e in% ta$e t e (at of seeming least resistance% not fig t any more% e'en in terms *it $ee(ing u( *it necessities, es(ecially necessities. Ie s ould &e clear on t is. / at5s * at ma$es t eir facile% self+com(lacent little smiles and smir$s so cree(y, do*nrig t sinister. It5s &ecause of t e realisation t ey find murder =secretly5 amusing% ex ilarating% t rilling e'en, co'ert genocide not only sanctioned% &ut devised &y t eir o*n go'ernment% t e P/-% o*e'er localised in t is instance, t ey can5t &elie'e t eir good fortune. I al*ays $ne* t is society% t is =ci'ilisation5 *as scre*ed u(, t at t e normals *ere ne'er normal, t at it *as al*ays a&out murder. !riminality comes sur(risingly easy to t em. I en you realise t ey *ere al*ays im(ostors as are t e criminals t ey listen to% it doesn5t come as too muc of a sur(rise. It5s an insane *orld. I was out &efore t is% a'e &een a cou(le of times, I ad to &e u(to*n, I *as stal$ed &y traffic *ardens% al*ays ma$ing sure t ey came into sig t% all a (art of t e relentless demoralisation (rocess% t e o(eless deat +*ors i((ers of t is deat + *ors i((ing system, t ey really ad t eir instructions% ma$ing sure t ey =anc ored5 e'ery cornerLintersection t ey could% e'ery street end I came to.

%riday 0y memory is gro*ing slig tly dim 8#a'e9% &lurred again as to t e fe* ours I *as out recently. I5m sure t e gist of it *ill come &ac$ to me. I don5t *ant to s(end too muc time on it

>M0

t oug , t ere a'e al*ays &een ot er associations of ideas I could a'e focused on instead 7 sometimes I did% and *asn5t so muc sur(rised as * at I came u( *it 7 t oug t ere5s sometimes t at too 7 as I *as a*are t at it mig t ne'er a'e &een *ritten if I5d *ritten * at I ad in mind at t e time% namely more a&out t e =gs5 &s. I5d a'e &een too tired or slee(y to get do*n some of t e ideas% t e associations I ad in mind. "t ot er times% somet ing else occurs to me in any case. It5s im(ortant not to let t is situation ta$e o'er one5s * ole life and t oug ts, our t oug ts and o* *e inter(ret ex(eriences are our li'es. It *as interesting% reading more of 2acimLIa(nic$ on /rue Em(at y 7 I5d almost forgotten I adn5t finis ed reading t e last fe* sections. If I mention t is s(ecifically% you can c ec$ t em out for yourself% t at *ay it *ill clarify anyt ing I mig t say ere t at mig t &e a &it a?y, it5s 'irtually yesterday since I read t em% t oug I could read t em again% refres my memory% &ut as I5'e 6ust &een reading some R"I% as *ell as *atc ing some comedy% it5s time I did some *riting. I5m almost too la?y to (ull t em out of t e folder I $ee( t e (rintouts of it in it5s so umid. I could &arely &ring myself to *rite% (referring to read more% &ut no* t at I5'e &egun again% it doesn5t seem so &ad. 0y emotions calling my &luff as !I mig t sayG / e t oug t of (utting e'en a smattering of reading toget er% summarising it in some co erent form in com&ination *it t is ludicrous% insane situation% can seem almost o'er* elming 8-ut t at5s *riting% I su((ose9. "nd R"I is ig ly intellectual. Ce =ma$es5 me feel ;uite stu(id at times% t oug I t in$ I5m im(ro'ing. 0ay&e it5s 6ust a matter of self+confidence% self+&elief% t roug a((lication% gro*ing com(re ension. / at and t e realisation I5m around t e same age as e *as * en e *rote it% &ac$ in t e mid M0s 7 / e <e* In;uisition. -ut I5ll remar$ on some of t e Ia(nic$L/rue Em(at y first. Ce $ee(s em( asising t at% es(ecially * en *e5re u(set &y anyt ing% t at *e s ould learn to automatically go &ac$ into our minds% = t e (lace of lig t5% namely Jesus or t e Coly S(irit 7 or% as e says% any ot er sym&ol 8of our Self9 *e feel comforta&le *it . / is% as e reminds us% e'en if *e do it for only a s(lit+

>M1

second% is * at t e !ourse calls =t e oly instant5. CeLt e !ourse also descri&es t e *orld and e'eryt ing t at ta$es (lace in it% or seems to% as ta$ing (lace in =t e little ga(5% t e ego5s sym&ol of se(aration% or * at t e !ourse else* ere descri&es as =t e tiny tic$ of time5 8*it in eternity9% t at% in reality% ne'er a((ened 7 a conce(t &eyond all conce(ts% t at a((lies to t e * ole *orld 8and ( enomenal uni'erse too9. "s e also says 7 and don5t ;uote me on t is% I5m (ara( rasing 7 e'ery e'ent in t e *orld% e'eryt ing t at a((ens% or seems to a((en% is 6ust t at original instant of se(aration% from .od% =t e un oly instant5% t e time of 8seeming9 terror% as t e !ourse descri&es it% &eing re(eated o'er and o'er again. -y co'ering o'er t e ga( in t e mind 7 and it all ta$es (lace in t e mind% for t e *orld is merely a (ro6ection% as I t in$ I5'e mentioned &efore% lol, c oosing t e oly instant re(laces e'ery destructi'e t oug t% all t e suffering t ere5s e'er &een and *ill &e% (ast% (resent% and future% as it all ta$esLtoo$ (lace *it in one =tiny tic$ of time5 in any case. =/ime is to sto( e'eryt ing from a((ening at once5% as someone said. -ut any*ay% t e im(ortant t ing is to go &ac$ into one5s mind% to =t e decision+ma$er5 8Ia(nic$5s term9% t e (art of t e mind t at c ooses &et*een ego and s(irit% as I mentioned% and learn t at *e5re not t e dream% &ut t e dreamer. I su((ose anot er *ay of saying it% is it5s coming to t e realisation t e *orld isn5t dreaming us% &ut t at *e5re dreaming of t e *orld, *e5'e dreamed a * ole *orld into &eing and oursel'es along *it it. Ie5re not 6ust a dream figure t at5s acted u(on. / e ans*er lies in &ecoming a*are of o* *e5'e set it u( t is *ay. 2ortunately% I5'e ne'er ;uite lost sig t of t at% t oug I5m sure it isn5t su((osed to &e inter(reted so literally. It5s also im(ortant to learn t at e'eryt ing *e see% or &elie'e *e see% is a matter of inter(retation% not fact. It may *ell &e a *orld of murder in t e ego5s terms% &ut it isn5t our reality% * ic is lo'e. "nd t at t ere are only t*o *ays to inter(ret e'ery situation, as eit er an ex(ression of lo'e% or a call for lo'e. Ex(ressions of atred in any form are a call for lo'e 7 e'en if it isn5t a((reciated% or I5m tem(ted to descri&e t em as too o&tuse to a((reciate it, t e ex(ression of lo'e is ex(erienced &y t e gi'er, con'ersely% t e

>M2

ex(ression of atred too must &e ex(erienced &y t e gi'er% in some form% &ut *e5re not su((osed to feel any $ind of satisfaction a&out t at. / e !ourse tal$s a&out it coming &ac$ to t em in dreamsLnig tmares% in t e case of murder. In a more e'eryday sense% t oug loo$ * at5s a((ening e'ery day to many no*% Ia(nic$ tal$s a&out eadac es or general ac es and (ains. Ca((y t oug ts. -ut I digress. Ideally% *e5re to learn to see our &rot ers as oursel'es+ to state t e o&'ious% and treat im and er as suc . Putting it into (ractice is arder, not least * en one is dealing *it (eo(le * o a'e t e o((osite (syc ological and emotional orientation for t e most (art% or% to (ut it anot er *ay% t e 'ery notion seems to &e anat ema to t em, as it is to anyone * o &elie'es t ey can 6oin in atred. Presuma&ly t ey must see a 'ery good reason for it% or are told t ere is. / is is as muc * y t e situation is suc a (ain% suc a tra(% in t e *ay it5s set u(. / e * ole t ing is designed to loc$ you into t e set+u(. Dou can s(eculate on it to your eart5s content% or e'en =tell it as you see it5. I ate'er you c oose% you5re &eing continually &roug t &ac$ to t e situation% t e (ast% t e inter(retation as t ey5'e c osen it to &e, it occurred to me t ey (ossi&ly e'en a'e t e documentation% as t is is integral to t e &lac$listing (rocess% a common strategy% a((arently, and o* else do t ey get all t ese good =neig &ours5% (eo(le in general to (artici(ate so easilyG Part of t at% a central as(ect% stems from lo'ing to see our sin in ot ers% * ic gets us off t e oo$% in unconscious terms, .od% * en all is said and done% *ill go after t e &ad guy% not us. "nd% as Ia(nic$ (oints out% ma$ing someone else suffer mig t seem to relie'e our o*n suffering for * ile% &ut *e $no* .od is also going to get us in t e end, so in t e ego5s terms 7 and t e *orld5s 7 t ere5s no esca(e. "s e5s said else* ere% t e ego gets e'ery&ody. / e egos 6ust ne'er gets t at. "gain% It5s im(ortant to $ee( in mind it5s &ased on fear% not maliciousness. / at5s t e same illusion as is t e fear on * ic it5s &ased. It does seem to me t oug % t at in terms of e'eryday ex(erience% maliciousness can5t &e denied in t at t e existence of atred can5t &e denied. It *ould &e silly not to $ee( in mind =fearful (eo(le can &e dangerous5. "s

>M3

can cle'er (eo(le. I5m still getting t is =gs5 cyclists5 coming at me from in front and from &e ind -S. / ey *ould a'e it t at I5m su((osed to &e a'e as if t is is all innocent% * en% in ot er instances% minute &y minute% day after day% t ey5re t ere ma$ing sure t ey =anc or5 t e sense of t reat at intersections% corners% not to mention ?i((ing &y me on t e (a'ement at ot er times% &y a matter of inc es% literally. If I5d c osen to% I could5'e 6ust (us ed out reflexi'ely. / is is * ere and o* it *or$s for t em. 3ne5s natural im(ulse is to *it dra*% to see it% in t at s(lit+second% as somet ing else% a mista$e, * en t ey aim to &e coming around corners too% to catc you t ere unex(ectedly, e'en t oug t ey5re cycling slo*ly, t is is clearly no mista$e, t e &i$e is already associated *it s(eed and (re'ious un(leasantness% suggested t reat% (otential in6ury in one5s mind. E'ery suc instance% $no*n as anc oring% is anot er form of t e ego5s 7 and egos 7 attem(t to (er(etuate t e un oly instant% to lin$ and $ee( its (ast 8and future9 actions in your mind in t e (resent 7 t e (resent &eing constant =anc oring5% sensitisation% unrelenting arassment. E'ery (erson t ey utilise% e'ery instance% &ecomes a means of t is. It is of course% a co'ert strategy% of indirect aggression% designed to ma$e t e (erson seem or loo$ un&alanced if t ey react to any as(ect of it 7 =o'erreact5, for% to ot ers% it5s seen only in isolation. / e target% o*e'er t ey res(ond% exce(t to ignore it% immediately dra*s attention to t emsel'es% can &e and is set u( t roug = a((enstance5 *itnesses% friends% * ate'er% in collusion, =t e guy is o&'iously un&alanced% (syc otic% * ate'er 8delusional, surely a fa'ourite% of (er(etrators and (syc iatrists ali$e9.5 I5'e said it &efore and I5ll say it again, only a fool% a mediocrity could &elie'e it5s &ig and cle'er. -ut t ere5s al*ays &een =useful idiots5 around% as t ere is no*. Iorld of -ody. E#on5t you li$e &i$esFG t e cra?y =detecti'e5 as$ed in t e car% * en I remar$ed on it 7 &ecause t ey *ere t ere too% 6ust to ru& it in% =mission accom(lis ed5. " 'icious circle of gaslig ting. 0ay&e t ey see t at as (rofessional. /arget neutralised. 3r so t ey o(ed. E'en t en it5s all (art of t e (rocess. "not er instance *ould only =confirm5 t ey 7 t e (t& 7 *ere *rong &efore. Just o* many (eo(le are =after5 t is

>M4

(aranoid lunaticQG 8/ e next ste( in t e argumentLsuggestion is...9 If e &elie'es =t ey5 are after im% e mig t go after =t em5, t is is clear e'idence e is... t at e5s losing it.... <ot t at =*e5'e5 e'er seen im &efore or e'er ad anyt ing to do *it im &efore t is, t at5s o&'iously 6ust anot er as(ect of is (aranoid delusions, * y differentiateG It5s all cra?y. / ey don5t e'en a'e to say t at, it5s all more t an im(lied in t e situation, t e (syc iatrists5 are already t ere to infer it if t e matter is (ursued% es(ecially &y t e targets% * o5re 6ust digging a ole for t emsel'es in t is glo&al 'irtual cons(iracyLtra(. / e a&o'e is suc a common strategy no*adays% it5s almost a clic T to any intelligent% sane o&ser'er. It5s t e tried and tested strategy% * et er t roug suggestion or &latant accusation% &y t e 2undamentalist 0aterialists 8Ro&ert "nton Iilson5s term9% t e &itter% 'indicti'e+minded narcissists. D5 $no*...G t e cra?y (eo(le% t e =Rig t 0en5 and Iomen% * o are ne'er in t e *rong% ne'er mista$en% * o see t eir e'ery (ronouncement as a'ing all t e *eig t and gra'itas 7 and finality 7 as any c aracter in t e 3ld /estament% not least .od. / e anc oring in t eir o*n mind is t e constant a*areness t e P/-/- 7 t e (o*ers t at &elie'e t ey &e 7 t in$ as t ey do for t e most (art% or at least% t ey5re t e ones * o5re in control, and control t roug mani(ulation is t e name of t e .ame. "nd murder of course. -ut again% it5s a matter of inter(retation% of not &eing ta$en in% tric$ed &y t e ego into seeing its *orld as t e only inter(retation% t e only reality% * ic is in terms of *inners and losers% 'ictims and 'ictimisers% =$ill or &e $illed5 8"!I09. R"I as some fascinating% if erudite and com(lex 8and sometimes 'ery amusing9 t ings to say on t is% (artly influenced &y is reading of !I5s !riminal Cistory of 0an$ind.

>M>

"e+tember 2 #2 It5s ard to &elie'e it5s Se(tem&er already% &ut t ere it is. / e "ristocats is on. Is t at #isneyG Released in 1NK0. <ot to &e confused *it t e "ristocrats and =t e filt iest 6o$e e'er5. I lo'e t e illustrationsLanimation. I5'e 6ust *asted t*o ours. I ad a and 6o& and a do?e, more of an afternoon re'erie. I detest t e *asted time% &ut did it any*ay. 2or t e and 6o& I *as t in$ing of some uge+arsed &int t at *or$s in t e li&rary. S e5s too old no*. Seems to a'e noticea&ly aged% &ut I5m forgetting *e5re tal$ing a&out a fifteen year (eriod% longer. / at t en% includes me. I5d still fuc$ er. 2rom &e ind of course. S e *asn5t a &ad loo$ing *oman. I ga'e er some of my (rints &efore% * en I sold t em in t e li&rary s o(+ * en t ey ad a s o(. It didn5t last 'ery long. #oes anyt ing in t is *orldG I need to ma$e u( my mind * at I5m doing. I fuc$ u(% *ouldn5t you $no*, a moment of o'erconfidence% arrogance e'en. / in$ing &ac$ on it I t in$ it stemmed from not a'ing filled in my 6o& a((s in time &efore I *ent to sign on% &ut I5d done it &y t en. -ut it mig t not a'e &een t at at all may&e I 6ust t in$ I lead a c armed life% t at =t e gods5 *ill (rotect me

>MB

* ate'er. "t t e moment% I5m not su((osed to discuss it *it anyone until it5s o'er% &ut t at isn5t going to sto( me t in$ing a&out it. I can5t discuss it *it myselfG I5ll *orry a&out t at * en t e P/- a'e (erfected t eir mind+reading (rograms+ t roug flying drones% a((arently. It5s t e fuc$ing 3uter Himits. It5s a gi'en t ey5ll target (eo(le of course and% t at mind control *ill &e in'ol'ed, not 6ust mind+reading, t ey &roadcast t oug ts. If t ey can. "nd it seems t ey can already. I don5t seem to &e getting any ea'y line in (syc otronic *ea(onry. I5m too small fry% surely. / at doesn5t sto( t em utilising tens or undreds of (eo(le to =neutralise5 me if t ey can. It5s 6ust a little effort on eac (erson5s (art% amounting to an unrelenting onslaug t eac day. / ey5re clearly a((y to do it. / e morons a'e al*ays loo$ed u( to sym&ols of aut ority. If t ey only $ne* t e *orld it as in mind for t em. -ut * at do t ey care% t in$ing t ey5re getting rid of an anti+social no&ody or *orse% * ate'er t ey5re told. In t e end it all ser'es 7 t e (rison matrix 7 as a defence against .od and as t e means to $ee( t e 8seeming9 se(aration going. I at else could it &e for% ultimatelyG I at do t ey $no* a&out t eir unconscious moti'ations or t e real 8or =real59 goals &e ind t e (eo(le t ey &elie'e are so normalG / ey laug at t e =cons(iracy t eorists5% &lissfully ignoring t e fact t ey5re (artici(ating in a glo&al cons(iracy% to demonise anyone * o5s t e target of it% let alone attem(ts to ex(ose it. !ould t at &e any more illogical% any more insaneG I5m sure t ey don5t see it t at *ay% seeing it as selecti'e% t at t ere5s 6ustification for it. It *ould ne'er occur to t em it mig t &e t e same reusing t at &roug t a&out t e (retext for it+ t roug t e intentional destruction of NL11. / at it5s all circular. I5m sure many of t em *ouldn5t care any*ay% if t ey t in$ it can ma$e t em (art of t e controllers of t e *orld. =Dou * o cannot control e'en yourself s ould not (resume to try and control t e * ole *orld5. .uess * oG "!I0. "s if t ey5ll get a say in it <o* I5m &ac$ to *riting for myself for a &it. -ut I5ll tell you * at. #oor &rea$O It &roug t on t e (redicta&le a((earance of man and *oman and dog. It must &e a &oring di'ersion for t em% s(iced u( a &it. Hi$e deat *armed u(% a(tly. 3n t e *ay &ac$

>MK

from to*n yesterday+ I ad to &e u( and out to sign on% so I &oug t myself a &us =day sa'er5 tic$et. I sat on t e *indo* of t e c i(s o(% a'ing a (retty good idea of * at *ould &e coming in a matter of minutes% antici(ating me arri'ing at t e next corner of t is street and% &oy *as I accurate. It *as a goddamn ca'alcade% cyclist included. I sat t ere and *atc ed t em go &y. I ere5s a 'idcam * en you need oneG / ere *ere co(s, one (ulled u(% siren s;uealing% 6ust after I5d &e ex(ected to &e *ell into t e street as I say% only% e *as sto((ing to let anot er (olice car t roug 7 (resuma&ly e arri'ed in it too 7 t ere5d &een an accident, I adn5t e'en noticed, &ut it ser'ed t e (erfect (retext for t em to arri'e seconds after me. !oincidence againG I *ouldn5t &et on it. I antici(ated some more =gs5 in cars loo$ing to catc me out t e second time% so I stood &et*een t e ig ru&&is &in and a 'an again% *atc ing t em come in to cli( me at t e corner, t ere5s *omen too% some *al$ing &y on foot to get into cars, a &londe. It all adds to t e &usiness of gaslig ting. !ars coming from t e end of t e street% cars coming in from t e sides and from t e *or$s yards a ead in t e distance% * ere I5d &e ex(ected to &e. I $ne* t ey5d &e t ere for a t ird time too% or one or t*o *ould% &ut I did my .rouc o 0arx *al$ to get across t e road% t en *aited. ) from do*nstairs came in too. I didn5t e'en recognise im% e'en t oug I recognised is -u&&le car% only% I t oug t it *as anot er &lo$e I5'e seen *it t e same car. 3r it *as im &efore too. Ce% )% ad a red t+s irt on, t at5s * y I assumed it *as someone else. " car came out in front of t e &in at my (lace% o&'iously *aiting on me. / ey5re really going for it, I (ractically *al$ed in front of it, &ut intentionally, t ey li$ely assumed it *as accidental% all t e &etter to startle me *it . ) got out is car as I came &y. Red t+ s irt n5 all. Ce came &ac$ *it is dog t e ot er day after I5d done t e door t ing. I too$ it to &e coincidence. Is it (ossi&le t ey5'e got im in on it no*G "nyt ing5s (ossi&le. I sto((ed for tea, a meal of c ea( roast (otatoes% fis % garden (eas. It *as all a &it =dry5 only &ecause I5m too used to sauces. I en6oyed t e &asic ! inese meals more. Rice or (asta and some mixed 'eg% egg% (or$ cu&es. Pretty c ea(+ too. "ny*ay% it5s time

>MM

to focus+ if I5ll sto( *atc ing / e 2ift Element again. I5m not $een on t e second alf any*ay. / e first t ing I *ant to do is get a &oo$ online. / e trut is% t e * ole t ing is suc an effort o'erall% suc a series of (otential (itfalls it see(s my energy in t e (rocess. / is is * at t is system *ants of course, for you to a'e a sense of el(lessness o'erall. -ut I feel t is sense of 'itality all t e time% of o(timism% ent usiasm% and umour. "nd * y notG I lo'e * at I lo'e, reading and t in$ing% learning% unlearning. Hoo$ at all t ose fools * o t in$ t ey $no* e'eryt ing% all t ey a'e to unlearn. / e (eo(le t at go no* ere in t eir li'es. / at5s t e t ing. I5m really only concerned a&out (roducing *riting% &oo$s. E'eryt ing else is a distraction% irrele'ant in its *ay. Hife goes on for t em as it does me% only% in my case% I actually (roduce somet ing% ideally. 3r t at5s t e idea. -ut I need to &e (ractical% I need results I can (romote% sell% suc as I did *it my (aintings. "nd t is is t e t ing. I don5t need to focus on all t is =gs5 -S if I don5t *ant to. I can *rite e'en *rite a&out it (ri'ately if I *ant% li$e t is. I5'e al*ays &een in t*o minds a&out it. 3r t ree. I5'e ad t ree c oices. / ere a'e al*ays &een t ree c oices% at least. It5s not only a case of I ignore it or I don5t. I can *rite a&out it for myself as I say% and carry on% &usiness as usual% *riting a&out ot er ideas. It5s 6ust getting more difficult to se(arate t e t*o. / is is t e (ro&lem, t ey &elie'e it5s * o t ey are% and * o I am, I5m ex(ected to let it see( into my &ones% &ecome a (art of o* I see myself too. / at5s t e t ing, *omen still li$e me, *omen are =mad for me5% t e !omedian &eing t e o&'ious if secret exam(le. Re'ered &y millions% (raised and feted in t e street% I get t e o((osite from t ese socio(at ic fuc$sters. !ould t ere &e a more extreme contrastG / ere *ill &e at this rate. -ut yes% t at5s t e irony of t e situation% t e (aradox. I5m treated li$e t e lo*est of t e lo*% if not ;uite% and shes treated li$e t e star s e is. S e also s ares many of t e same traits of t e =*orlders5. -ut s e sees somet ing in me t at5s t e same as er, somet ing t at dee(ly attracts er. It5s lo'e of course, t at I lo'e er for erself. I digressG -ut it5s too easy to get *ra((ed u( in t is s it, es(ecially

>MN

* en it5s no* &reat ing do*n my t roat. / is isn5t o* I en'isaged t e end of 2012 at all% t oug if t ere really *ere anyt ing in 2012% t ey *ould &e in for suc a rude a*a$ening. I5'e used t is ( rase &efore% in t is context% years &ac$. <o* t e galactics are reiterating it% 6ust * en I mig t ex(ect t em to. Hiterally 6ust after I *as so &riefly incarcerated% after t e arrest of course. / e galactics% in t e meantime% a'e made a decision% a((arently... s(ecifically / e .alactic 2ederation of Hig t... to end t e gangstal$ing% etc. 7 online acti'ities 7 t roug em(loying (syc otronic countermeasures. 3 yes. !an you &elie'e t isG "nd 6ust after I *as so rude a&out t em on Scri&d% t oug I5'e &een re'ising it in t e meantime some* at. -ut I still t in$ my &est &et is to get t is *riting online. It is * at it is no*. If anyt ing a((ens t ere *ill &e strong sus(icion. It5s more a&out (re'ention. It5s a&out descri&ing exactly * at5s going on. I5m not su((osed to &e t is articulate% t is lucid% or t is credi&le% certainly under t e circumstances. <o* t at t ey a'e me rig t * ere t ey t in$ t ey a'e me it *ill &e suc an unex(ected mo'e. / e last t ing I t oug t I5d &e *or$ing on is all t is orses it. -ut it *as al*ays coming to t is. Ic$e *as al*ays rig t. / is is t e old *orld and its narcissistic -S% as al*ays. It *ill ne'er end% ne'er let go. If t e *orst comes to t e *orst% * ate'er t at means% so * atG It5s all (art of getting * ere *e already are in any case, ea'en. I5m distracted &y / e Re(lacement )illers+ 1NNM. 0ira Sor'ino is (retty nice. I5'e long forgotten t e (lot. It5s later. I *atc ed comedy and (un$ roc$. .reat to see Ian !urtis again. Ce5d a'e li$ed me. 0an% I could5'e &roug t so muc to t eir attention+ and 'ice+'ersa. Es(ecially !I of course. / e Ruts *ere great too. 0alcolm 3*en. " singer *it my dad5s name. I met im once. I *as dum&struc$. "ny*ay% I felt t at sense of ex ilaration again% and t e t oug t I could trans(ose it to t is current situation. / at5s all I do any*ay. It5s still me. / e minions are clones. / ey5re naff. / ey5'e no o&'ious talents% a&ilities% exce(t to &e good minions. / ey5'e 0 to say exce(t in isolation. It5s all a&out fragmentation. / e delusion of 6oining. / e ego5s silliness. / at5s t e ans*er of course. <ot to ta$e it

>N0

seriously. /o laug &ac$ at it. -ut only at its 0t ingness. <ot t at I can ignore t e outcome. It5s im(ortant not to sli( into a(at y. / at5s (artly t e (ro&lem. Editing t is &oo$L6ournal *ill $ee( me alert% * ate'er I c oose to do *it it in t e end. I t in$ I5d rat er ex(ose t em. / at5s t e t ing, t ey5re so goddamn com(lacent% confident. / at5s t e reason to do it. / at and t eir constant stitc +u(s. It does a'e a (ur(ose% after all. "nd it must &e *or$ing% or I *ouldn5t &e so careless% so (otentially self+ sa&otaging. I $ne* * en I *as in a cell I5d a'e to focus on doing t e o((osite% not let myself sli( &ac$ into it again. It5s (ro&a&ly t e only *ay I5ll get t roug t is. "(at y is * at t ey *ant. EIt5s o&'ious you a'e somet ing interesting to say.F / at5s * at !I said to me% in an email re(ly% many years ago. I5m getting too slee(y to focus. Dea % it5s a&out ex(osing it to t e *orld. It5s no* glo&al. / ey5'e fuc$ed u(. I5m in good com(any. "t t is stage% it5s a&out silencing (eo(le. / ey5'e o&scured t e su((osed &asis of it t roug t eir o*n circularity and dirty tric$s% t e fact t is is glo&al... terrorism. / e galactics a'e made t is clear. It5s * y t ey5'e decided to ta$e action. / ey5re tal$ing a&out it damaging t eir mission. I $ne* t ey5d el(. I didn5t t in$ t ey5d 6ust lea'e us to t is s it. Eit er t at% or t ey5re (art of it 7 t e great dece(tion. I seriously dou&t t at. -ut as I say% it *ill &e t e most satisfying to ma$e my strongest% most decisi'e mo'e * en t ey t in$ I5m at my *ea$est. " &lit?$rieg of clarity if you li$e% lol. I5m *ay &rig ter t an t is -S. I do a'e a discerna&le direction% a (ur(ose. I stic$ *it t e same t emes. "nd t ey5ll (an out, t ey5ll come t roug % I5m sure. 0ay&e t is =Iorld /eac er5 isn5t ;uite so &ad. I can ardly ex(ect Ic$e to &e rational * en it comes to any as(ect of religion. 2unny I didn5t t in$ of t at. I5d ate to &e du(ed t oug . It *ill al*ays &e t e !ourse for me. "nd I5m forgetting t e (ainting *as to el( me get to !alifornia% and 2acim tal$s. -ut once I5'e done t e editingLre*rites% I can focus on ot er *riting% as I5'e said% suc as s ort stories. <o* I5ll turn t e situation on its ead% &e t e lucid mind I al*ays $ne* I *as, t eir *orst nig tmare. I5ll ca(ture t e imagination and t e minds of (eo(le *it a 'ision of o(timism.

>N1

/ ere *as ne'er any ot er *ay. 3&scurity is a form of suicide% of gi'ing in% acce(ting t e situation. It *on5t get me any* ere no*. "lmost e'eryone I5'e $no*n as succum&ed to t is s it in some form. It5s (at ology. It *as ne'er normal. / ere5s al*ays &een nuts. / is is my account of it% my declaration of se(aration from it and ultimate sanity. /elling it as I see it. Cell% it *as only a continuation of e'ents &ac$ in =NK any*ay. I ate'er (eo(le come to t in$ of me% it el(ed ex(ose t e (at ology as *ell as &enefit ot ers% gi'e t em o(e. It5s as muc for ot ers. It5s all &igger t an me. I al*ays $ne* t ey *ere full of cra(.

Mon "e+t 2 #2 I ere does t e time go * en you slee( it all a*ayG S it. "nd so easily done. I really t oug t I *ouldn5t. / oug t: / is =gangstal$ing5 &usiness (uts a different slant on 0aslo* on self+ actualisers * en e tal$s a&out o* t ey5re essentially detac ed from t e culture 7 not acculturated in t e same say most (eo(le are. I at5s o&'ious no* is t at t is co'ert aggression is t e

>N2

o((osite of any notion of self+actualisation, it5s a&out destroying any (ossi&ility of it. -ecause t at *ould of course% contradict t eir most c eris ed (reconce(tions% t eir &elie'e in condemnation and t eir o*n self+ atred% seen in ot ers. .reat% I can see I5m *ide+a*a$e again. Reading $noc$ed me out. 2irst it *as !ain5s -oo$ &y "lexander /rocc ie% t en t e !ourse. I did ;uite *ell *it !ain5s -oo$% getting t roug fifty (ages or so% ;uite a lot if it on t e loo. I5'e ad it for years% unread. I li$ely &oug t it at R5s on t e Iest Port. " =N2 (rint in good condition% for V4. !olin Iilson *rote a&out "lexander /rocc ie in / e "ngry Dears% * ic I &oug t ne* in ard&ac$. It *as a ri'eting read &ut * ere t e ell is my co(y no*G I5d lo'e to reread it. I *rote a s ort (iece on it in a small discussion grou( on !I% and ;uite good it *as too. /ell a lie% it *as on / e #ice 0an. I included /rocc ie at t e end. I adn5t e'en read im% only !I on im. It5s interesting t at !I and /rocc ie &ot li'ed n t e same &loc$ of flats in <otting Cill% t is &efore t e (u&lication of / e 3utsider. !I must a'e $no*n /rocc ie *as (ractically doomed. "((arently e *as ;uite (rolific in is younger years% c urning out some ac$ (ornogra( ic no'els for money. / en t ere5s Doung "dam% a no'el I recall ac;uiring some years &ac$% didn5t read% no* it5s gone. It *as made into a film *it E*an 0c.regor% so clearly e *asn5t doomed to o&scurity at all. It5s *eird to $no* !ain5s -oo$ *as (u&lis ed o'er fifty years ago% in 1NB0. I *as one year old. !I as as good as immortalised im in / e "ngry Dears too. So% /rocc ie made it to t e mo'ies too. I *onder if my o*n *riting *ill e'er &e made into some $ind of film% s(ecifically * at I5m com(leting no*+ -RIE2I<. 23R " #ES!E</ I</3 CE!). / e title is 'ery deri'ati'e of course% &ut a great use of t e (un. I s ould (ro&a&ly c ange it for t at reason% &ut it5s suc a =cle'er5 funny... It5s not really a (un, 6ust a c ange of em( asis. "ny*ay% t ey5d a'e to figure it out first. 3r not. Part of t e =mystery5, li$e / e 0ot man Pro( ecies. 3r Picnic at Canging Roc$. I5'e ad less *riting turned into little s$it% and 6ust u( t e road. " numinous e(isode from my c ild ood. " young no'elist (erformed it at -roug ton Cig Sc ool *it ot ers. " *eird

>N3

t oug t in itself. I missed it. I c ose to &e out selling art*or$. I s ouldn5t a'e missed it for t e *orld. I ad an account *ritten in long and stolen not so long ago. I don5t *ant to s(end too muc time on t is, I need to get &ac$ to it+ or to it. I did some last nig t as I 'aguely recall. In fact I added a (age and a good one too. It came &ac$ to me * ile I *as in t e cell as I say% in t e =custody suite5. "s it turns out% I5d already *ritten a&out it% forgot I ad. -ut I did forget to include it in t e long section I (osted on Scri&d. It5s a&out !I com(ounding is o*n anxiety% is (anic attac$s * en e tried fig ting against t em. It5s a nuisance a'ing long &rea$s in t e interim% of *riting. / e result is I $ee( re(eating myself, t oug some t ings are *ort re(eating. P)# *ould no* &e seeing a (olice state come into &eing &efore is 'ery eyes% ric as e *ould &e no*. Cell% it5s already ere% as Ic$e and ot ers a'e said. I t in$ I li$e t e title I c ose. It5s ironic% dee(ly (aradoxical for suc a =serious5 situation. / at5s * y it *or$s. / e u(side is I feel more focused% (ur(oseful.

Wed I *ent straig t into some editing% forgetting a&out a &it of *riting ere as intended. 0ind you% I *atc ed some /4 first. Person of Interest *as (retty good. / e day *ent o$ay% s(ecifically t e afternoon. I sa'ed myself a *asted tri( to t e Iest Port &y loo$ing u( t e Pul( 2iction -oo$s o( in t e li&rary. I couldn5t (ut off anyt ing anot er day% and didn5t% t oug I *as a

>N4

good deal later t an intended. It didn5t matter, at least as far as getting along t e !ouncil office *ent. I *asn5t sure if my rent *ent t roug to t e landlord or ad e'en &een in my account. I ad t e /rocc ie no'el in my (oc$et% I read some * ile I *aited% (artly distracted &y a sexy -int 20s% *it t e fancy eyelas es or eye s ado*, t e 'am( loo$. /urned out s e ad t e most (erfect &ac$side. "ny*ay% I needn5t a'e *orried, it *as all for 0. / e &lo$e I sa* turned out to &e an as(iring *riter% from. Ce as$ed me * at t e &oo$ *as in my (oc$et. 0ost (eo(le don5t &ot er. I do*n(layed it of course, it5s not as if /rocc ie5s a fa'ourite. I5m reading im &ecause e5s Scottis . I forgot to mention t e latter. It *as o&'ious e didn5t $no* of im. Some o*% if ine'ita&ly% t e su&6ect got onto *riting in general% so I s(illed t e &eans% *it out &eing too ex(licit. -ut e *as genuinely interested in t e fact I *rote. Ce5s 0 online% a((arently. Ce seems ;uite young% (ossi&ly 205s still. I mentioned t e *riters grou(% couldn5t recall t e name. Ce didn5t $no* * ere t e Iest Port *asO Ce5s from Hi'er(ool. Ce as$ed o* e could get in touc if e *anted to say anyt ing a&out it% so I ga'e im my email. Ce said% 6ust as I *as lea'ing% e5d get in touc . 2at c ance. Seems sincere. Ce e'en em( asised e *ould * en I indicated e *ouldn5t. 8Ce didn5t of course. / e intended outcome of t is situation in a nuts ell in all its as(ects. I *as stal$ed t e * ole *ay of course% &i$es e'ery* ere. -ut no* t at "lex Jones mentioned t em on is s o*% I feel less... =4ictimised5 o'er it. It5s o&'iously a glo&al t ing. I $ne* t at. I am singled out in a sense% due to (ro'o$ing t e co(s and t e fire ser'ice. I ate'er. / ey $e(t trying to catc me out in t e Cig Street. 3ne arrogant &itc *anted to come 'ery close * en I *as sitting on one of t e lo* concrete &alustrades at t e side of t e road. I got u( 6ust as s e came &y% &loc$ed er (at . I must *ear a slogan 6um(er again% t e slogan on t e &ac$. "ll a&out &i$es of course. SEE "<D -I)ESG I still li$e t e galactics5 =Dou5re 8t ey5re9 in for a rude a*a$ening5. I &oug t a &ig sand*ic fromQ I5'e forgotten t eir name% el(ed myself to t*o 2antas. I don5t often a'e fi??y drin$s. It *as great, I *as so t irsty. / e &lo$e in c arge% slig tly dar$+s$inned% let me off *it (aying for

>N>

t e drin$Ls. I t in$ it *as my c eerfulness. "nd Scottis ness% (er a(s. " local. "nd ordering a &ig sand*ic Some stoc$y 6er$ *as rude at t e traffic lig ts. I *as leaning against t em li$e a 6er$. Ce mig t a'e &een a (ro'ocateur% 6udging &y is attitude, is stu(id &londe young *ife grinning at t e side% $id in (ram. Ce ad it all figured out% as to * o loo$s &ad+ and good. Cis attitude *as (ure gaslig ting. Dou5ll &e laug ing on t e ot er side of your face *it t at 6er$% oney. "nd you5re no &etter. 3dd o* t is a((ens 6ust * en it5s im(erati'e I $ee( out of trou&le. So I did. -ut e really *as an arrogant (ric$. Pro&a&ly s o*ing off. / is s it 6ust ma$es me more determined to get t is do*n. I t in$ t e recent *riting *ill go some *ay to*ards t at% once it5s marginally ex(anded on% com(leted. It5s (ro&a&ly ;uite a (syc ological e(ic in its *ay, I a'e so muc to say. Putting t e cat among t e (igeons. <ot ;uite. Hetting t e cat out of t e &ag% more li$e. I5ll &lo* t is =gs5 -S a(art. / an$ god for t e net% e G Stal$ing *it out a net. / ese (eo(le don5t e'en &elie'e I5m ca(a&le of &eing co erent on t is su&6ect. <arcissists are al*ays li$e t is% ma$ing t e assum(tion t ey can al*ays $ee( it idden% fool e'eryone. I5'e al*ays &een t e &lo$e t at *ill ex(ose it% t e mind t ey underestimate. I ad a long (ractice *it t is% long ex(erience. It5s all a learning (rocess, t e *orld is a classroom. I5ll (ic$ u( on t e (atterns% ex(ose it for * at it is. "nd get along to t at *riters grou( next time. It5s fortunate t ey5'e s ifted t e /ues grou(% for it5d clas *it / e / eoso( ical Society. I intend to go &ac$% no* I5m feeling more marginally reconciled to t e galactics. / ey did &uoy me u( after all. I t in$ I forgot to t in$ a&out it in t e cell. I *as focusing on .od% Jesus% and t e Coly S(irit. "s ye do. I needed it. I5m loo$ing for*ard to getting out more% meeting (eo(le. "ll t e t ings I5'e let slide since I5'e &een in t is s it ole. I need to sna( out of t e tor(or. /iredness as come u(on me. S oc$ing. / is stu(id film% /rail of t e Screaming 2ore ead% distracts me. " s(oof, sometimes it5s actually ;uite funny, at ot er times it 6ust falls flat. " &it li$e 2amily .uy+ * en I don5t understand t e

>NB

line or gag. / is isn5t so cle'er. "ny*ay% it5s a stu(id (remise &ecause it5s not (articularly funny in itself. "ttac$ of t e )iller /omatoes styli. I su((ose t ere5s a difference in a((roac * en I5m *riting for myself and * en I a'e a reader in mind. I en it5s for myself it5s almost * olly (ro&lem oriented. I en it isn5t only for me% it can &e more anecdotal% e'en descri(ti'e, as *riters do[ &ecause it5s as muc a&out co'ering (ages. / at5s * at t ey don5t tell you% or it5s easily forgotten. / at5s a goal orientation in itself% and a (retty central one% * ate'er any of t em mig t say. <ot t at descri(tion is al*ays filler. /ol$ien *as incredi&ly good at descri(tion% as !I remar$ed on * en *riting a&out is o*n S(ider Iorld series. Ce could *rite it *it unflagging energy and 'ariation. / e contem(orary S2 aut or Ro&ert ! arles Iilson is &rilliant at it too. / e *orld is almost o'er no*, it5s on its last legs. -a&ylon5s -urning. 0y life in t e dream as &een turning and turned to s it &y incremental stages for a * ile no*. "t ot er times I5'e ad relati'e (eace of mind to *rite% t in$% *rite some more. -ut it o'ers ado*s e'eryt ing% as intended. / e ego5s (seudo+eternal &lac$ cloud. -ut in a *ay% it can &e &oiled do*n to its essentials. / e situation is t at it5s set u( to &e affecting e'ery as(ect of my life. / at of course% means financially too% es(ecially% as t at5s t e most immediate% central as(ect of e'eryday existence% li'ing in t e *orld. If I can5t do anyt ing a&out t e situation in ( ysical terms% or =realistically5% in t at I a'e no control o'er t e relentless interference% it means I need to inter(ret it differently% turn it on its ead so to s(ea$% &ut in (syc ological% meta( orical terms. Relocating locally% is still an o(tion% &ut I *ant to com(lete t is in some form first. Ie5re all so con'inced t is is reality% t at *e5re o&sessed &y a'ing it go a certain *ay% t en *e5re de'astated * en it doesn5t *or$ out t at *ay, or *orse% t at t ere are male'olent% socio(at ic sources and forces t at cons(ire incessantly it seems% to &ring t at 'ery state of affairs a&out. / en &lame it on you of course. / at you5re *eird% incom(etent% and a =loner5% inade;uate% mentally illL =cra?y5... * ate'er. I try not to get too

>NK

in'ol'ed *it anyone% (artly for t eir sa$e% &ut mainly &ecause I don5t *ant to esta&lis a routine% anyt ing (redicta&le% t at t ey can antici(ate. / is% (aradoxically% creates t e im(ression of a certain emotional detac ment or inde(endence on my (art% (ersonally% sexually% t at occasionally *or$s in my fa'our% in t at I can seem more =aloof5% casual in outloo$ and demeanour t an I actually am% / at% and I5m more (ro(rietorial *it my time. I5'e al*ays li$ed time &y myself% for myself too, solitude. / at5s in my fa'our as *ell% $no*s t at to &e =alone5 doesn5t necessarily mean you are alone. "nd to &e *it ot ers% or someone else doesn5t mean you5re not alone. -ut *e5re ne'er truly alone% * ate'er t e situation. 3f course% if I go to an extreme% so to say% don5t $ee( in touc % let t ings slide% t en t ey *on5t $ee( in touc eit er% for t e most (art any*ay, t oug it isn5t al*ays t e case. 0ay&e it5s t at t ey assume t at5s my (ersonality% &ecause t ey5'e not $no*n me long enoug % and a'e no (re'ious situation *it me to com(are it to. 0ost of t e time it doesn5t matter too muc one *ay or t e ot er in any case as most (eo(le are (retty &oring any*ay 7 " around t e corner suggesting I get in'ol'ed in er c urc e'ents * en I5d rat er 6ust cum o'er er ;uite im(ressi'e tits 7 t oug t at doesn5t mean I don5t a'e com(assion for t em eit er. -ut false or mis(laced em(at y *as al*ays a (itfall too, allo*ing myself to get caug t u( *it neurotics and (syc o(at s and t eir ma?e of lies and mani(ulation. Is t is situation an odd &lessing in disguise in a *ayG In t at it% (aradoxically again% can &ring out idden reser'es% (ositi'e attri&utes% e'en in t e (rocess of trying to destroy (eo(leG "nyone * o asn5t realised yet t at t is *orld is insane% t at5s t ere5s somet ing &adly *rong *it it% is li'ing in a dream *orld. -ut I t in$ if you can do somet ing a&out a situation% you s ould, if you can. "s it5s all a&out attitude% t at doesn5t mean one s ould (assi'ely acce(t a situation[es(ecially * en t ese (rograms are s(ecifically set u( to &ring a&out an a(at etic% demoralised state of mind% so muc so% t at t ere seems to &e no *ay out% no real future% no life[real =;uality of life5% or to loo$ for*ard to. 3ne could say of course t at t is a((lies to almost

>NM

e'eryone no*, anyone * o5s a*are of * at5s going on t at is% * et er affluent% relati'ely a((y% in a relations i(% or (lain (lum content in t eir ( ysicalist outloo$ and smug &elief t at all is *ell in t e &est of all (ossi&le *orlds for t e most (art. 2or t e rest% it5s disastrous% a nig tmare of foreclosure% t e t reat of omelessness% $ee(ing an income going and not u(setting any of t e (aranoid (syc os% or 6ust ma$ing ends meet. / e mega+ric % t e su(er+ric didn5t a'e to *orry a&out any of t is, t ey only ad to (lay t eir (art in $ee(ing t e * ole insane c aotic rams ac$le &ut organised nig tmare going. I5m still relati'ely fortunate myself. I succeed in &lending into t e relati'e foreground of a system t at5s loo$ing for sca(egoats to $ee( u( t e targets% of cuts. 0y talents and li$ea&ility get me on t e rig t side of (eo(le I5m o&liged to deal *it to $ee( t e relati'ely comfy set+u( going% so I can continue to figure it all out% * at I s ould do% * at my next (lan of action s ould &e. / at% almost in'aria&ly entails a searc for meaning% for information% and at &est% &e ind it all% t e t oug t of .od. "nd 6ust &efore I slee(. I try to $ee( in mind to t in$ of .od e'ery day I *a$e% as "!I0 instructs. 1sually my mind drifts to some current (ro&lem or ot er% or t e situation in general and t en I catc myself% and t in$ of .od again[t e t oug t of eternity% t e eternal Self t at is al*ays t ere% &e ind and &eyond e'eryt ing, t e e'eryt ing t at5s really not ing. / is is an encouraging% u(lifting t oug t% as is t e t oug t of .od o'erall. / at5s * at it5s for, a continual reminder of t e *idest (ers(ecti'e of all. / e <I3% t e (rogram% / ey a'e t eir constant reminders% re(etition% anc oring% t roug t eir &elief in t eir false% (syc o(at ic social science god of <HP% and I a'e =mine5% t e real .od% t e only true .od. -ecause t ere is only .od% so clearly% t ese (eo(le are fools. Poor defensi'e im(o'eris ed frig tened souls. / e t oug t came to me again earlier% as it does e'ery no* and again% of t e (eo(le in concentration cam(s in <a?i .ermany% tra((ed% condemned 7 6ust for t eir genes, t e Je*s% gy(sies etc.% *it no o(e of esca(e or e'en life for many. <ot a c eerful situation, not muc to &e o(timistic a&out. I at% t enG Iould des(air &e 6ustifiedG I at if all one5s

>NN

relati'es *ere dead too% or any of t em at allG 3r in (ain% a&used% terrorised% and tortured% in t eir dum&s it ex(eriments% on e'ery le'el[al*ays centring on t e &ody of course. / e &ody *as and is t eir religion. 2ree?ing ex(eriments% electricity ex(eriments% and lots of ot er gruesome ( ysiology =researc 5. !utting out li'e foetuses. / en again% t at5s done *it a&ortions e'ery day. "nd none of it5s done *it any o'ert anger. / e <a?is *ere 'ery matter+of+fact a&out it I5m sure. -ut t ere *as a furious% underlying anger &e ind it all too. "nd under t at% t e fear on * ic it *as &ased. / ey *ere as frig tened of t e t oug t of .od as anyone else. 4ictor 2ran$l said it *as t e t oug t of t e future% a((y t oug ts% of meeting friends% lo'ed ones again t at sustained inmates, t ey *ere t e ones * o sur'i'ed. It *as t e ones * o ga'e u( all o(e[=ga'e u( t e g ost5[* o &ecame t e *al$ing dead% t e ,-usulmans,. "s t e !ourseLJesus says% no one * o li'es in fear is really ali'e. -ut * en I read t at% I *asn5t t in$ing of t e more extreme forms of fear% and sustained fear. / is is * at t e *orld is trying to do no*% trying to &ecome, a 'irtual and actual concentration cam(, a (rison matrix *it out &ars, certainly for many, initially t e undeser'ing[or =deser'ing fe*5[&ut almost ine'ita&ly% (redicta&ly% it5s increased% is running out of control% t reatening to de'our e'eryt ing in its *a$e or * o are (ercei'ed to &e in its *ay. -efore long% it *ill &e a *orld of ?om&ies% ruled &y (syc o(at s[t e deat +*ors i(ing ro&ots% (u((ets t emsel'es% (ulled &y t e strings of t e ego% in * ate'er form t at may &e. / e 0eat Pu((ets. It *as )en Ia(nic$ * o said% t at% in t e concentration cam(s% t e Coly S(irit *as t ere% &e ind e'eryt ing, t at% as it5s all illusion% a a((y outcome is assured. Just not t ere% necessarily. -ut it *as ne'er real. Easy to re(eat% t en I need only t in$ of t e (eo(le% t e inmates * o *ere e'iscerated ali'e% say% &y t ese cra?y emotionless =ro&ots5, t e $ind of t oug ts t at Syl'ia Plat allo*ed erself to d*ell on. " t oug t t at leads me on to t in$ t at it5s al*ays &een li$e t at. / ere *ere t e almost simultaneous orrors of t e .ulags5 in Russia% and &y t e Ja(anese[suc as =t e Ra(e of <an$ing5. "nd 1nit K31. / e "trocity Ex i&ition. Scientism comes into its o*n. / ere *ere

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t e fi'e undred years of t e In;uisition. <o esca(e t en for t e most (art% unless you a((ened to outli'e it% &ut most *ouldn5t. It5s not as if e'eryone suffered. / e situation as al*ays% (layed into t e ma6ority of t e (o(ulation5s most 'enal ;ualities, resentments% 6ealousies% (re6udice. I sometimes used to *onder o* anyone could go t roug life *it t e $no*ledge t at t ese t ings *ent on, of * y anyone *asn5t continually (reoccu(ied% tormented e'en% *it t e t oug t of torture% suffering% murder[ or t e =mystery5 of sex% and of * y *e5re e'en ere at all. "nd * at *e5re su((osed to do a&out it% o* *e s ould li'e% * at *e s ould t in$. In s ort% a ty(ical 3utsider in !olin Iilson5s sense. I can% on t e one and% feel a cynical or grim int of satisfaction o'er t e t oug t of t e (eo(le * o sa* t ese su&6ects% (reoccu(ations as irrele'ant% e'en mor&id. / at Eit a((ened so long agoF as a friend5s mot er told im% * en *e *ere &arely out of our teens, an earlier 'ersion of Et ere5s no (oint in d*elling on t e negati'e.F E'ery&ody &ecomes t is facile <e* "gey stereoty(e. Ie s ould all 6ust t in$ a((y t oug ts% (retend t e orrors of t e *orld are some rare% occasional a&erration% * en t e istory of t e *orld is a istory of murder% as !olin Iilson *rote. 0ay&e t ey didn5t &elie'e it to &e irrele'ant so muc as t at it *as in t e (ast% and no good can come of dredging it u(. -ut t at *as al*ays naU'e% as one comes to learn% * en t e same orrors% t e same mista$es *ere committed e'en at t e time of saying it% as t ey are no*% suc as t e genocide of t e Palestinians. / ere are al*ays furt er re'elations of some einous e'ent% * et er on a national or indi'idual le'el, t e =e(idemic5 of serial $illings !I refers to. / e more you loo$ into it% t e more fuc$ed u( t e *orld and (eo(le seem to &e. / en it comes to you, of o* it could a((en, of * y it5s a((ening no*. / e *orld is ruled &y (syc o(at s% as Hennon said% and t ere *ill al*ays &e indi'iduals% t e common garden+'ariety socio(at s on e'ery le'el% *illing to do * at t ey5re told% * o *ill &elie'e t e (ro(aganda% &ecause &ig &rot er and sister al*ays $no*s &est% and sacrifice% murder% is al*ays 6ustified for t e greater good% t e &igger * ole% one &ig a((y family. "s is indifference.

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I su((ose one of t e t ings t at &ot ers me is t e recurring t oug t t at as *ell as not ma$ing it on an indi'idual le'el &ecause it *ill drag out for so long% / ey mig t actually scre* u( t e *orld for good% and literally. /rue% t at *ould only &e (art of t e illusion% t e ologram too% &ut it sounds li$e a ellu'a furt er *aste of time% e'eryt ing a'ing to &egin from scratc again. "n alternati'e scenario% if you li$e% to t e (eo(le t at say t ey5re a&solutely con'inced t at some o* umanity is going to get t roug t is. 1nfortunately t eir outloo$ tends to &e dualistic in some as(ect% *it t e usual tal$ of s(iritual *arriorsL*arfare% and *ild% ar&itrary ca(italisation, =t e S*ord of /rut and Rig teousness5 etc. / at sounds to me li$e t e next =&est5 t ing to t e &elief in di'ine inter'ention% t at someone or somet ing *ill enter into t e dream to sa'e us% * et er it &e extraterrestrialsLt e galactics5 andLor ="scension5% itself some sort of meta( or for t e Second !oming itself% *it out coming rig t out and saying so. / e !arey material says as muc .

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