Douglas Adams "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"

To Jane and James with many thanks to Geoffrey Perkins for achieving the m!ro"a"le to Paddy #ingsland$ %isa &raun and Alick 'ale (unro for hel!ing him to John %loyd for his hel! with the original (illiways scri!t to )imon &rett for starting the whole thing off to the Paul )imon al"um *ne Trick Pony which !layed incessantly while writing this "ook+ ,ive years is far too long And with very s!ecial thanks to Jac-ui Graham for infinite !atience$ kindness and food in adversity

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers e.actly what the Universe is for and why it is here$ it will instantly disa!!ear and "e re!laced "y something even more "i/arre and ine.!lica"le+

There is another theory which states that this has already ha!!ened+

0ha!ter 1

The story so far2 n the "eginning the Universe was created+ This has made a lot of !eo!le very angry and "een widely regarded as a "ad move+ (any races "elieve that it was created "y some sort of God$ though the Jatravartid !eo!le of 3iltvodle 3 "elieve that the entire Universe was in fact snee/ed out of the nose of a "eing called the Great Green Arklesei/ure+ The Jatravartids$ who live in !er!etual fear of the time they call The 0oming of The Great 4hite 'andkerchief$ are small "lue creatures with more than fifty arms each$ who are therefore uni-ue in "eing the only race in history to have invented the aerosol deodorant "efore the wheel+ 'owever$ the Great Green Arklesei/ure Theory is not widely acce!ted outside 3iltvodle 3 and so$ the Universe "eing the !u//ling !lace it is$ other e.!lanations are constantly "eing sought+ ,or instance$ a race of hy!erintelligent !an5dimensional "eings once "uilt themselves a gigantic su!ercom!uter called Dee! Thought to calculate once and for all the Answer to the Ultimate 6uestion of %ife$ the Universe$ and Everything+

,or seven and a half million years$ Dee! Thought com!uted and calculated$ and in the end announced that the answer was in fact ,orty5two 5 and so another$ even "igger$ com!uter had to "e "uilt to find out what the actual -uestion was+ And this com!uter$ which was called the Earth$ was so large that it was fre-uently mistaken for a !lanet 5 es!ecially "y the strange a!e5like "eings who roamed its surface$ totally unaware that they were sim!ly !art of a gigantic com!uter !rogram+ And this is very odd$ "ecause without that fairly sim!le and o"vious !iece of knowledge$ nothing that ever ha!!ened on the Earth could !ossi"ly make the slightest "it of sense+ )adly however$ 7ust "efore the critical moment of readout$ the Earth was une.!ectedly demolished "y the 3ogons to make way 5 so they claimed 5 for a new hy!ers!ace "y!ass$ and so all ho!e of discovering a meaning for life was lost for ever+ *r so it would seem+ Two of there strange$ a!e5like creatures survived+ Arthur Dent esca!ed at the very last moment "ecause an old friend of his$ ,ord Prefect$ suddenly turned out to "e from a small !lanet in the vicinity of &etelgeuse and not from Guildford as he had hitherto claimed8 and$ more to the !oint$ he knew how to hitch rides on flying saucers+ Tricia (c(illian 5 or Trillian 5 had ski!!ed the !lanet si. months earlier with 9a!hod &ee"le"ro.$ the then President of the Gala.y+ Two survivors+

They are all that remains of the greatest e.!eriment ever conducted 5 to find the Ultimate 6uestion and the Ultimate Answer of %ife$ the Universe$ and Everything+ And$ less than half a million miles from where their starshi! is drifting la/ily through the inky "lackness of s!ace$ a 3ogon shi! is moving slowly towards them+

0ha!ter :

%ike all 3ogon shi!s it looked as if it had "een not so much designed as congealed+ The un!leasant yellow lum!s and edifices which !rotuded from it at unsightly angles would have disfigured the looks of most shi!s$ "ut in this case that was sadly im!ossi"le+ Uglier things have "een s!otted in the skies$ "ut not "y relia"le witnesses+

n fact to see anything much uglier than a 3ogon shi! you would have to go inside and look at a 3ogon+ f you are wise$ however$ this is !recisely what you will avoid doing "ecause the average 3ogon will not think twice "efore doing something so !ointlessly hideous to you that you will wish you had never "een "orn 5 or ;if you are a clearer minded thinker< that the 3ogon had never "een "orn+

n fact$ the average 3ogon !ro"a"ly wouldn=t even think once+ They are sim!le5minded$ thick5willed$ slug5"rained creatures$ and thinking is not really something they are cut out for+ Anatomical analysis of the 3ogon reveals that its "rain was originally a "adly deformed$ mis!laced and dys!e!tic liver+ The fairest thing you can say a"out them$ then$ is that they know what they like$ and what they like generally involves hurting !eo!le and$ wherever !ossi"le$ getting very angry+ *ne thing they don=t like is leaving a 7o" unfinished 5 !articularly this 3ogon$ and !articularly 5 for various reasons 5 this 7o"+ This 3ogon was 0a!tain Prostetnic 3ogon Jelt/ of the Galactic 'y!ers!ace Planning 0ouncil$ and he was it who had had the 7o" of demolishing the so5called "!lanet" Earth+ 'e heaved his monumentally vile "ody round in his ill5fitting$ slimy seat and stared at the monitor screen on which the starshi! 'eart of Gold was "eing systematically scanned+ t mattered little to him that the 'eart of Gold$ with its nfinite m!ro"a"ility Drive$ was the most "eautiful and revolutionary shi! ever "uilt+ Aesthetics and technology were closed "ooks to him and$ had he had his way$ "urnt and "uried "ooks as well+ t mattered even less to him that 9a!hod &ee"le"ro. was a"oard+ 9a!hod &ee"le"ro. was now the e.5President of the Gala.y$ and though every !olice force in the Gala.y was currently !ursuing "oth him and this shi! he had stolen$ the 3ogon was not interested+ 'e had other fish to fry+

t has "een said that 3ogons are not a"ove a little "ri"ery and corru!tion in the same way that the sea is not a"ove the clouds$ and this was certainly true in his case+ 4hen he heard the words "integrity" or "moral rectitude"$ he reached for his dictionary$ and when he heard the chink of ready money in large -uantities he reached for the rule "ook and threw it away+ n seeking so im!laca"ly the destruction of the Earth and all that therein lay he was moving somewhat a"ove and "eyond the call of his !rofessional duty+ There was even some dou"t as to whether the said "y!ass was actually going to "e "uilt$ "ut the matter had "een glossed over+ 'e grunted a re!ellent grunt of satisfaction+ "0om!uter$" he croaked$ "get me my "rain care s!ecialist on the line+" 4ithin a few seconds the face of Gag 'alfrunt a!!eared on the screen$ smiling the smile of a man who knew he was ten light years away from the 3ogon face he was looking at+ (i.ed u! somewhere in the smile was a glint of irony too+ Though the 3ogon !ersistently referred to him as "my !rivate "rain care s!ecialist" there was not a lot of "rain to take care of$ and it was in fact 'alfrunt who was em!loying the 3ogon+ 'e was !aying him an awful lot of money to do some very dirty work+ As one of the Gala.y=s most !rominent and successful !sychiatrists$ he and a consortium of his colleagues were -uite !re!ared to s!end an awful lot of money when it seemed that the entire future of !sychiatry might "e at stake+ "4ell$" he said$ "hello my 0a!tain of 3ogons Prostetnic$ and how are we feeling today>" The 3ogon ca!tain told him that in the last few hours he had wi!ed out nearly half his crew in a disci!linary e.ercise+

'alfrunt=s smile did not flicker for an instant+ "4ell$" he said$ " think this is !erfectly normal "ehaviour for a 3ogon$ you know> The natural and healthy channelling of the aggressive instincts into acts of senseless violence+" "That$" rum"led the 3ogon$ "is what you always say+" "4ell again$" said 'alfrunt$ " think that this is !erfectly normal "ehaviour for a !sychiatrist+ Good+ 4e are clearly "oth very well ad7usted in our mental attitudes today+ ?ow tell me$ what news of the mission>" "4e have located the shi!+" "4onderful$" said 'alfrunt$ "wonderful@ and the occu!ants>" "The Earthman is there+" "E.cellent@ And +++>" "A female from the same !lanet+ They are the last+" "Good$ good$" "eamed 'alfrunt$ "4ho else>" "The man Prefect+" "Aes>" "And 9a!hod &ee"le"ro.+" ,or an instant 'alfrunt=s smile flickered+ "Ah yes$" he said$ " had "een e.!ecting this+ t is most regretta"le+" "A !ersonal friend>" in-uired the 3ogon$ who had heard the e.!ression somewhere once and decided to try it out+ "Ah$ no$" said 'alfrunt$ "in my !rofession you know$ we do not make !ersonal friends+"

"Ah$" grunted the 3ogon$ "!rofessional detachment+" "?o$" said 'alfrunt cheerfully$ "we 7ust don=t have the knack+" 'e !aused+ 'is mouth continued to smile$ "ut his eyes frowned slightly+ "&ut &ee"le"ro.$ you know$" he said$ "he is one of my most !rofita"le clients+ 'e had !ersonality !ro"lems "eyond the dreams of analysts+" 'e toyed with this thought a little "efore reluctantly dismissing it+ ")till$" he said$ "you are ready for your task>" "Aes+" "Good+ Destroy the shi! immediately+" "4hat a"out &ee"le"ro.>" "4ell$" said 'alfrunt "rightly$ "9a!hod=s 7ust this guy$ you know>" 'e vanished from the screen+ The 3ogon 0a!tain !ressed a communicator "utton which connected him with the remains of his crew+ "Attack$" he said+ At that !recise moment 9a!hod &ee"le"ro. was in his ca"in swearing very loudly+ Two hours ago$ he had said that they would go for a -uick "ite at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe$ whereu!on he had had a "la/ing row with the shi!=s com!uter and stormed off to his ca"in shouting that he would work out the m!ro"a"ility factors with a !encil+

The 'eart of Gold=s m!ro"a"ility Drive made it the most !owerful and un!redicta"le shi! in e.istence+ There was nothing it couldn=t do$ !rovided you knew e.actly how im!ro"a"le it was that the thing you wanted it to do would ever ha!!en+ 'e had stolen it when$ as President$ he was meant to "e launching it+ 'e didn=t know e.actly why he had stolen it$ e.ce!t that he liked it+ 'e didn=t know why he had "ecome President of the Gala.y$ e.ce!t that it seemed a fun thing to "e+ 'e did know that there were "etter reasons than these$ "ut that they were "uried in a dark$ locked off section of his two "rains+ 'e wished the dark$ locked off section of his two "rains would go away "ecause they occasionally surfaced momentarily and !ut strange thoughts into the light$ fun sections of his mind and tried to deflect him from what he saw as "eing the "asic "usiness of his life$ which was to have a wonderfully good time+ At the moment he was not having a wonderfully good time+ 'e had run out of !atience and !encils and was feeling very hungry+ ")tar!o.@" he shouted+ At that same !recise moment$ ,ord Prefect was in mid air+ This was not "ecause of anything wrong with the shi!=s artificial gravity field$ "ut "ecause he was lea!ing down the stair5well which led to the shi!=s !ersonal ca"ins+ t was a very high 7um! to do in one "ound and he landed awkwardly$ stum"led$ recovered$ raced down the corridor sending a cou!le of miniature service ro"ots flying$ skidded round the corner$ "urst into 9a!hod=s door and e.!lained what was on his mind+ "3ogons$" he said+

A short while "efore this$ Arthur Dent had set out from his ca"in in search of a cu! of tea+ t was not a -uest he em"arked u!on with a great deal of o!timism+$ "ecause he knew that the only source of hot drinks on the entire shi! was a "enighted !iece of e-ui!ment !roduced "y the )irius 0y"ernetics 0or!oration+ t was called a ?utri5(atic Drinks )ynthesi/er$ and he had encountered it "efore+ t claimed to !roduce the widest !ossi"le range of drinks !ersonally matched to the tastes and meta"olism of whoever cared to use it+ 4hen !ut to the test$ however$ it invaria"ly !roduced a !lastic cu! filled with a li-uid that was almost$ "ut nit -uite$ entirely unlike tea+ 'e attem!ted to reason with the thing+ "Tea$" he said+ ")hare and En7oy$" the machine re!lied and !rovided him with yet another cu! of the sickly li-uid+ 'e threw it away+ ")hare and en7oy$" the machine re!eated and !rovided him with another one+ ")hare and En7oy" is the com!any motto of the hugely successful )irius 0y"ernetics 0or!oration 0om!laints division$ which now covers the ma7or land masses of three medium si/ed !lanets and is the only !art of the 0or!oration to have shown a consistent !rofit in recent years+ The motto stands 5 or rather stood 5 in three mile high illuminated letters near the 0om!laints De!artment s!ace!ort on Eadra.+ Unfortunately its weight was such that shortly after it was erected$ the ground "eneath the letters caved in and they dro!!ed for nearly half their length through the offices of many talented young com!laints e.ecutives 5 now deceased+

The !rotruding u!!er halves of the letters now a!!ear$ in the local language$ to read "Go stick your head in a !ig"$ and are no longer illuminated$ e.ce!t at times of s!ecial cele"ration+ Arthur threw away a si.th cu! of the li-uid+ "%isten$ you machine$" he said$ "you claim you can synthesi/e any drink in e.istence$ so why do you kee! giving me the same undrinka"le stuff>" "?utrition and !leasura"le sense data$" "ur"led the machine+ ")hare and En7oy+" " t tastes filthy@" " f you have en7oyed the e.!erience of this drink$" continued the machine$ "why not share it with your friends>" "&ecause$" said Arthur tartly$ " want to kee! them+ 4ill you try to com!rehend what =m telling you> That drink +++" "That drink$" said the machine sweetly$ "was individually tailored to meet your !ersonal re-uirements for nutrition and !leasure+" "Ah$" said Arthur$ "so =m a masochist on diet am >" ")hare and En7oy+" "*h shut u!+" "4ill that "e all>" Arthur decided to give u!+ "Aes$" he said+ Then he decided he=d "e dammed if he=d give u!+

"?o$" he said$ "look$ it=s very$ very sim!le +++ all want +++ is a cu! of tea+ Aou are going to make one for me+ #ee! -uiet and listen+" And he sat+ 'e told the ?utri5(atic a"out ndia$ he told it a"out 0hina$ he told it a"out 0eylon+ 'e told it a"out "road leaves drying in the sun+ 'e told it a"out silver tea!ots+ 'e told it a"out summer afternoons on the lawn+ 'e told it a"out !utting in the milk "efore the tea so it wouldn=t get scalded+ 'e even told it ;"riefly< a"out the history of the East ndia 0om!any+ ")o that=s it$ is it>" said the ?utri5(atic when he had finished+ "Aes$" said Arthur$ "that is what want+" "Aou want the taste of dried leaves "oiled in water>" "Er$ yes+ 4ith milk+" ")-uirted out of a cow>" "4ell$ in a manner of s!eaking su!!ose +++" " =m going to need some hel! with this one$" said the machine tersely+ All the cheerful "ur"ling had dro!!ed out of its voice and it now meant "usiness+ "4ell$ anything can do$" said Arthur+ "Aou=ve done -uite enough$" the ?utri5(atic informed him+ t summoned u! the shi!=s com!uter+ "'i there@" said the shi!=s com!uter+ The ?utri5(atic e.!lained a"out tea to the shi!=s com!uter+ The com!uter "oggled$ linked logic circuits with the ?utri5 (atic and together they la!sed into a grim silence+

Arthur watched and waited for a while$ "ut nothing further ha!!ened+ 'e thum!ed it$ "ut still nothing ha!!ened+ Eventually he gave u! and wandered u! to the "ridge+ n the em!ty wastes of s!ace$ the 'eart of Gold hung still+ Around it "la/ed the "illion !in!ricks of the Gala.y+ Towards it cre!t the ugly yellow lum! of the 3ogon shi!+

0ha!ter B

"Does anyone have a kettle>" Arthur asked as he walked on to the "ridge$ and instantly "egan to wonder why Trillian was yelling at the com!uter to talk to her$ ,ord was thum!ing it and 9a!hod was kicking it$ and also why there was a nasty yellow lum! on the vision screen+ 'e !ut down the em!ty cu! he was carrying and walked over to them+ "'ello>" he said+ At that moment 9a!hod flung himself over to the !olished mar"le surfaces that contained the instruments that controlled the conventional !hoton drive+ They materiali/ed "eneath his hands and he fli!!ed over to manual control+ 'e !ushed$ he !ulled$ he !ressed and he swore+ The !hoton drive gave a sickly 7udder and cut out again+ ")omething u!>" said Arthur+

"'ey$ did7a hear that>" muttered 9a!hod as he lea!t now for the manual controls of the nfinite m!ro"a"ility Drive$ "the monkey s!oke@" The m!ro"a"ility Drive gave two small whines and then also cut out+ "Pure history$ man$" said 9a!hod$ kicking the m!ro"a"ility Drive$ "a talking monkey@" " f you=re u!set a"out something +++" said Arthur+ "3ogons@" sna!!ed ,ord$ "we=re under attack@" Arthur gi""ered+ "4ell what are you doing> %et=s get out of here@" "0an=t+ 0om!uter=s 7ammed+" "Jammed>" " t says all its circuits are occu!ied+ There=s no !ower anywhere in the shi!+" ,ord moved away from the com!uter terminal$ wi!ed a sleeve across his forehead and slum!ed "ack against the wall+ "?othing we can do$" he said+ 'e glared at nothing and "it his li!+ 4hen Arthur had "een a "oy at school$ long "efore the Earth had "een demolished$ he had used to !lay foot"all+ 'e had not "een at all good at it$ and his !articular s!eciality had "een scoring own goals in im!ortant matches+ 4henever this ha!!ened he used to e.!erience a !eculiar tingling round the "ack of his neck that would slowly cree! u! across his cheeks and heat his "row+ The image of mud and grass and lots of little 7eering "oys flinging it at him suddenly came vividly to his mind at this moment+

A !eculiar tingling sensation at the "ack of his neck was cree!ing u! across his cheeks and heating his "row+ 'e started to s!eak$ and sto!!ed+ 'e started to s!eak again and sto!!ed again+ ,inally he managed to s!eak+ "Er$" he said+ 'e cleared his throat+ "Tell me$" he continued$ and said it so nervously that the others all turned to stare at him+ 'e glanced at the a!!roaching yellow "lo" on the vision screen+ "Tell me$" he said again$ "did the com!uter say what was occu!ying it> 7ust ask out of interest +++" Their eyes were riveted on him+ "And$ er +++ well that=s it really$ 7ust asking+" 9a!hod !ut out a hand and held Arthur "y the scruff of the neck+ "4hat have you done to it$ (onkeyman>" he "reathed+ "4ell$" said Arthur$ "nothing in fact+ t=s 7ust that think a short while ago it was trying to work out how to +++" "Aes>" "(ake me some tea+" "That=s right guys$" the com!uter sang out suddenly$ "7ust co!ing with that !ro"lem right now$ and wow$ it=s a "iggy+ &e with you in a while+" t la!sed "ack into a silence that was only matched for sheer intensity "y the silence of the three !eo!le staring at Arthur Dent+

As if to relieve the tension$ the 3ogons chose that moment to start firing+ The shi! shook$ the shi! thundered+ *utside$ the inch thick force5shield around it "listered$ crackled and s!at under the "arrage of a do/en BC5(egahurt Definit5#il Photra/on 0annon$ and looked as if it wouldn=t "e around for long+ ,our minutes is how long ,ord Prefect gave it+"Three minutes and fifty seconds$" he said a short while later+ ",orty5five seconds$" he added at the a!!ro!riate time+ 'e flicked idly at some useless switches$ then gave Arthur an unfriendly look+ "Dying for a cu! of tea$ eh>" he said+ "Three minutes and forty seconds+" "4ill you sto! counting@" snarled 9a!hod+ "Aes$" said ,ord Prefect$ "in three minutes and thirty5five seconds+" A"oard the 3ogon shi!$ Prostetnic 3ogon Jelt/ was !u//led+ 'e had e.!ected a chase$ he had e.!ected an e.citing gra!!le with tractor "eams$ he had e.!ected to have to use the s!ecially installed )u"50yclic ?ormality Assert5i5 Tron to counter the 'eart of Gold=s nfinite m!ro"a"ility Drive$ "ut the )u"50yclic ?ormality Assert5i5Tron lay idle as the 'eart of Gold 7ust sat there and took it+ A do/en BC5(egahurt Definit5#il Photra/on 0annon continued to "la/e away at the 'eart of Gold$ and still it 7ust sat there and took it+ 'e tested every sensor at his dis!osal to see if there was any su"tle trickery afoot$ "ut no su"tle trickery was to "e found+ 'e didn=t know a"out the tea of course+

?or did he know e.actly how the occu!ants of the 'eart of Gold were s!ending the last three minutes and thirty seconds of life they had left to s!end+ 6uite how 9a!hod &ee"le"ro. arrived at the idea of holding a seance at this !oint is something he was never -uite clear on+ *"viously the su"7ect of death was in the air$ "ut more as something to "e avoided than har!ed u!on+ Possi"ly the horror that 9a!hod e.!erienced at the !ros!ect of "eing reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might 7ust feel the same way a"out him and$ what=s more$ "e a"le to do something a"out hel!ing to !ost!one this reunion+ *r again it might 7ust have "een one of the strange !rom!tings that occasionally surfaced from that dark area of his mind that he had ine.!lica"ly locked off !rior to "ecoming President of the Gala.y+ "Aou want to talk to your great grandfather>" "oggled ,ord+ "Aeah+" "Does it have to "e now>" The shi! continued to shake and thunder+ The tem!erature was rising+ The light was getting dimmer 5 all the energy the com!uter didn=t re-uire for thinking a"out tea was "eing !um!ed into the ra!idly fading force5field+ "Aeah@" insisted 9a!hod+ "%isten ,ord$ think he may "e a"le to hel! us+" "Are you sure you mean think> Pick your words with care+" ")uggest something else we can do+"

"Er$ well +++" "*#$ round the central console+ ?ow+ 0ome on@ Trillian$ (onkeyman$ move+" They clustered round the central console in confusion$ sat down and$ feeling e.ce!tionally foolish$ held hands+ 4ith his third hand 9a!hod turned off the lights+ Darkness gri!!ed the shi!+ *utside$ the thunderous roar of the Definit5#il cannon continued to ri! at the force5field+ "0oncentrate$" hissed 9a!hod$ "on his name+" "4hat is it>" asked Arthur+ "9a!hod &ee"le"ro. the ,ourth+" "4hat>" "9a!hod &ee"le"ro. the ,ourth+ 0oncentrate@" "The ,ourth>" "Aeah+ %isten$ =m 9a!hod &ee"le"ro.$ my father was 9a!hod &ee"le"ro. the )econd$ my grandfather 9a!hod &ee"le"ro. the Third +++"

"4hat>" "There was an accident with a contrace!tive and a time machine+

?ow concentrate@" "Three minutes$" said ,ord Prefect+ "4hy$" said Arthur Dent$ "are we doing this>" ")hut u!$" suggested 9a!hod &ee"le"ro.+ Trillian said nothing+ 4hat$ she thought$ was there to say> The only light on the "ridge came from two dim red triangles in a far corner where (arvin the Paranoid Android sat slum!ed$ ignoring all and ignored "y all$ in a !rivate and rather un!leasant world of his own+ Round the central console four figures hunched in tight concentration trying to "lot from their minds the terrifying shuddering of the shi! and the fearful roar that echoed through it+ They concentrated+ )till they concentrated+ And still they concentrated+ The seconds ticked "y+ *n 9a!hod=s "row stood "eads of sweat$ first of concentration$ then of frustration and finally of em"arrassment+ At last he let out a cry of anger$ snatched "ack his hands from Trillian and ,ord and sta""ed at the light switch+ "Ah$ was "eginning to think you=d never turn the lights on$" said a voice+ "?o$ not too "right !lease$ my eyes aren=t what they once were+"

,our figures 7olted u!right in their seats+ )lowly they turned their heads to look$ though their scal!s showed a distinct !ro!ensity to try and stay in the same !lace+ "?ow+ 4ho distur"s me at this time>" said the small$ "ent$ gaunt figure standing "y the s!rays of fern at the far end of the "ridge+ 'is two small wis!y5haired heads looked so ancient that it seemed they might hold dim memories of the "irth of the gala.ies themselves+ *ne lolled in slee!$ "ut the other s-uinted shar!ly at them+ f his eyes weren=t what they once were$ they must once have "een diamond cutters+ 9a!hod stuttered nervously for a moment+ 'e gave the intricate little dou"le nod which is the traditional &etelgeusian gesture of familial res!ect+ "*h +++ er$ hi Great Granddad +++" he "reathed+ The little old figure moved closer towards them+ 'e !eered through the dim light+ 'e thrust out a "ony finger at his great grandson+ "Ah$" he sna!!ed+ "9a!hod &ee"le"ro.+ The last of our great line+ 9a!hod &ee"le"ro. the ?othingth+" "The ,irst+" "The ?othingth$" s!at the figure+ 9a!hod hated his voice+ t always seemed to him to screech like fingernails across the "lack"oard of what he liked to think of as his soul+ 'e shifted awkwardly in his seat+ "Er$ yeah$" he muttered$ "Er$ look$ =m really sorry a"out the flowers$ meant to send them along$ "ut you know$ the sho! was fresh out of wreaths and +++"

"Aou forget@" sna!!ed 9a!hod &ee"le"ro. the ,ourth+ "4ell +++" "Too "usy+ ?ever think of other !eo!le+ The living are all the same+" "Two minutes$ 9a!hod$" whis!ered ,ord in an awed whis!er+ 9a!hod fidgeted nervously+ "Aeah$ "ut did mean to send them$" he said+ "And =ll write to my great grandmother as well$ 7ust as soon as we get out of this +++"

"Aour great grandmother$" mused the gaunt little figure to himself+ "Aeah$" said 9a!hod$ "Er$ how is she> Tell you what$ =ll go and see her+ &ut first we=ve 7ust got to +++" "Aour late great grandmother and are very well$" ras!ed 9a!hod &ee"le"ro. the ,ourth+ "Ah+ *h+" "&ut very disa!!ointed in you$ young 9a!hod +++" "Aeah well +++" 9a!hod felt strangely !owerless to take charge of this conversation$ and ,ord=s heavy "reathing at his side told him that the seconds were ticking away fast+ The noise and the shaking had reached terrifying !ro!ortions+ 'e saw Trillian and Arthur=s faces white and un"linking in the gloom+ "Er$ Great Grandfather +++"

"4e=ve "een following your !rogress with considera"le des!ondency +++"

"Aeah$ look$ 7ust at the moment you see +++" "?ot to say contem!t@" "0ould you sort of listen for a moment +++" " mean what e.actly are you doing with your life>" " =m "eing attacked "y a 3ogon fleet@" cried 9a!hod+ t was an e.aggeration$ "ut it was his only o!!ortunity so far of getting the "asic !oint of the e.ercise across+ "Doesn=t sur!rise me in the least$" said the little old figure with a shrug+ "*nly it=s ha!!ening right now you see$" insisted 9a!hod feverishly+ The s!ectral ancestor nodded$ !icked u! the cu! Arthur Dent had "rought in and looked at it with interest+ "Er +++ Great Granddad +++" "Did you know$" interru!ting the ghostly figure$ fi.ing 9a!hod with a stern look$ "that &etelgeuse ,ive has develo!ed a very slight eccentricy in its or"it>" 9a!hod didn=t and found the information hard to concentrate on what with all the noise and the imminence of death and so on+ "Er$ no +++ look$" he said+

"(e s!inning in my grave@" "arked the ancestor+ 'e slammed the cu! down and !ointed a -uivering$ stick5like see5 through finger at 9a!hod+ "Aour fault@" he screeched+ "*ne minute thirty$" muttered ,ord$ his head in his hands+ "Aeah$ look Great Granddad$ can you actually hel! "ecause +++" "'el!>" e.claimed the old man as if he=d "een asked for a stoat+ "Aeah$ hel!$ and like$ now$ "ecause otherwise +++" "'el!@" re!eated the old man as if he=d "een asked for a lightly grilled stoat in a "un with ,rench fries+ 'e stood ama/ed+ "Aou go swanning your way round the Gala.y with your +++" the ancestor waved a contem!tuous hand$ "with your disre!uta"le friends$ too "usy to !ut flowers on my grave$ !lastic ones would have done$ would have "een -uite a!!ro!riate from you$ "ut no+ Too "usy+ Too modern+ Too sce!tical 5 till you suddenly find yourself in a "it of a fi. and come over suddenly all astrally5minded@" 'e shook his head 5 carefully$ so as not to distur" the slum"er of the other one$ which was already "ecoming restive+ "4ell$ don=t know$ young 9a!hod$" he continued$ " think =ll have to think a"out this one+" "*ne minute ten$" said ,ord hollowly+ 9a!hod &ee"le"ro. the ,ourth !eered at him curiously+ "4hy does that man kee! talking in num"ers>" he said+

"Those num"ers$" said 9a!hod tersely$ "are the time we=ve got left to live+" "*h$" said his great grandfather+ 'e grunted to himself+ "Doesn=t a!!ly to me$ of course$" he said and moved off to a dimmer recess of the "ridge in search of something else to !oke around at+ 9a!hod felt he was teetering on the edge of madness and wondered if he shouldn=t 7ust 7um! over and have done with it+ "Great Grandfather$" he said$ " t a!!lies to us@ 4e are still alive$ and we are a"out to lose our lives+" "Good 7o" too+" "4hat>" "4hat use is your life to anyone> 4hen think of what you=ve made of it the !hrase D!ig=s ear= comes irresisti"ly to my mind+" "&ut was President of the Gala.y$ man@" "'uh$" muttered his ancestor$ "And what kind of a 7o" is that for a &ee"le"ro.>" "'ey$ what> *nly President you know@ *f the whole Gala.y@" "0onceited little mega!u!!y+" 9a!hod "linked in "ewilderment+ "'ey$ er$ what are you at$ man> mean Great Grandfather+" The hunched u! little figure stalked u! to his great grandson and ta!!ed him sternly on the knee+ This had the effect of reminding 9a!hod that he was talking to a ghost "ecause he didn=t feel a thing+

"Aou know and know what "eing President means$ young 9a!hod+ Aou know "ecause you=ve "een it$ and know "ecause =m dead and it gives one such a wonderfully uncluttered !ers!ective+ 4e have a saying u! here+ D%ife is wasted on the living+=" "Aeah$" said 9a!hod "itterly$ "very good+ 3ery dee!+ Right now need a!horisms like need holes in my heads+" ",ifty seconds$" grunted ,ord Prefect+ "4here was >" said 9a!hod &ee"le"ro. the ,ourth+ "Pontificating$" said 9a!hod &ee"le"ro.+ "*h yes+" "0an this guy$" muttered ,ord -uietly to 9a!hod$ "actually in fact hel! us>" "?o"ody else can$" whis!ered 9a!hod+ ,ord nodded des!ondently+ "9a!hod@" the ghost was saying$ "you "ecame President of the Gala.y for a reason+ 'ave you forgotten>" "0ould we go into this later>" "'ave you forgotten@" insisted the ghost+ "Aeah@ *f course forgot@ had to forget+ They screen your "rain when you get the 7o" you know+ f they=d found my head full of tricksy ideas =d have "een right out on the streets again with nothing "ut a fat !ension$ secretarial staff$ a fleet of shi!s and a cou!le of slit throats+" "Ah$" nodded the ghost in satisfaction$ "then you do remem"er@" 'e !aused for a moment+

"Good$" he said and the noise sto!!ed+ ",orty5eight seconds$" said ,ord+ 'e looked again at his watch and ta!!ed it+ 'e looked u!+ "'ey$ the noise has sto!!ed$" he said+ A mischievous twinkle gleamed in the ghost=s hard little eyes+ " =ve slowed down time for a moment$" he said$ "7ust for a moment you understand+ would hate you to miss all have to say+" "?o$ you listen to me$ you see5through old "at$" said 9a!hod lea!ing out of his chair$ "A 5 thanks for sto!!ing time and all that$ great$ terrific$ wonderful$ "ut & 5 no thanks for the homily$ right> don=t know what this great think =m meant to "e doing is$ and it looks to me as if was su!!osed not to know+ And resent that$ right> "The old me knew+ The old me cared+ ,ine$ so far so hoo!y+ E.ce!t that the old me cared so much that he actually got inside his own "rain 5 my own "rain 5 and locked off the "its that knew and cared$ "ecause if knew and cared wouldn=t "e a"le to do it+ wouldn=t "e a"le to go and "e President$ and wouldn=t "e a"le to steal this shi!$ which must "e the im!ortant thing+ "&ut this former self of mine killed himself off$ didn=t he$ "y changing my "rain> *#$ that was his choice+ This new me has its own choices to make$ and "y a strange coincidence those choices involve not knowing and not caring a"out this "ig num"er$ whatever it is+ That=s what he wanted$ that=s what he got+ "E.ce!t this old self of mine tried to leave himself in control$ leaving orders for me in the "it of my "rain he locked off+ 4ell$ don=t want to know$ and don=t want to hear them+ That=s my choice+ =m not going to "e any"ody=s !u!!et$ !articularly not my own+"

9a!hod "anged the console in fury$ o"livious to the dum"folded looks he was attracting+ "The old me is dead@" he raved$ "#illed himself@ The dead shouldn=t hang a"out trying to interfere with the living@" "And yet you summon me u! to hel! you out of a scra!e$" said the ghost+ "Ah$" said 9a!hod$ sitting down again$ "well that=s different isn=t it>" 'e grinned at Trillian$ weakly+ "9a!hod$" ras!ed the a!!arition$ " think the only reason waste my "reath on you is that "eing dead don=t have any other use for it+" "*#$" said 9a!hod$ "why don=t you tell me what the "ig secret is+ Try me+" "9a!hod$ you knew when you were President of the Gala.y$ as did Aooden 3ran. "efore you$ that the President is nothing+ A ci!her+ )omewhere in the shadows "ehind is another man$ "eing$ something$ with ultimate !ower+ That man$ or "eing$ or something$ you must find 5 the man who controls this Gala.y$ and 5 we sus!ect 5 others+ Possi"ly the entire Universe+" "4hy>" "4hy>" e.claimed an astonished ghost$ "4hy> %ook around you lad$ does it look to you as if it=s in very good hands>" " t=s alright+" The old ghost glowered at him+

" will not argue with you+ Aou will sim!ly take this shi!$ this m!ro"a"ility Drive shi! to where it is needed+ Aou will do it+ Don=t think you can esca!e your !ur!ose+ The m!ro"a"ility ,ield controls you$ you are in its gri!+ 4hat=s this>" 'e was standing ta!!ing at one of the terminals of Eddie the )hi!"oard 0om!uter+ 9a!hod told him+ "4hat=s it doing>" " t is trying$" said 9a!hod with wonderful restraint$ "to make tea+" "Good$" said his great grandfather$ " a!!rove of that+ ?ow 9a!hod$ "he said$ turning and wagging a finger at him$ " don=t know if you are really ca!a"le of succeeding in your 7o"+ think you will not "e a"le to avoid it+ 'owever$ am too long dead and too tired to care as much as did+ The !rinci!al reason am hel!ing you now is that couldn=t "ear the thought of you and your modern friends slouching a"out u! here+ Understood>" "Aeah$ thanks a "undle+" "*h$ and 9a!hod>" "Er$ yeah>" " f you ever find you need hel! again$ you know$ if you=re in trou"le$ need a hand out of a tight corner +++" "Aeah>" "Please don=t hesitate to get lost+"

4ithin the s!ace of one second$ a "olt of light flashed from the wi/ened old ghost=s hands to the com!uter$ the ghost vanished$ the "ridge filled with "illowing smoke and the 'eart of Gold lea!t an unknown distance through the dimensions of time and s!ace+

0ha!ter E

Ten light years away$ Gag 'alfrunt 7acked u! his smile "y several notches+ As he watched the !icture on his vision screen$ relayed across the su"5ether from the "ridge of the 3ogon shi!$ he saw the final shreds of the 'eart of Gold=s force5shield ri!!ed away$ and the shi! itself vanish in a !uff of smoke+ Good$ he thought+ The end of the last stray survivors of the demolition he had ordered on the !lanet Earth$ he thought+ The final end of this dangerous ;to the !sychiatric !rofession< and su"versive ;also to the !sychiatric !rofession< e.!eriment to find the 6uestion to the Ultimate 6uestion of %ife$ the Universe$ and Everything$ he thought+ There would "e some cele"ration with his fellows tonight$ and in the morning they would meet again their unha!!y$ "ewildered and highly !rofita"le !atients$ secure in the knowledge that the (eaning of %ife would not now "e$ once and for all$ well and truly sorted out$ he thought+

",amily=s always em"arrassing isn=t it>" said ,ord to 9a!hod as the smoke "egan to clear+ 'e !aused$ then looked a"out+ "4here=s 9a!hod>" he said+ Arthur and Trillian looked a"out "lankly+ They were !ale and shaken and didn=t know where 9a!hod was+ "(arvin>" said ,ord$ "4here=s 9a!hod>" A moment later he said2 "4here=s (arvin>" The ro"ot=s corner was em!ty+ The shi! was utterly silent+ t lay in thick "lack s!ace+ *ccasionally it rocked and swayed+ Every instrument was dead$ every vision screen was dead+ They consulted the com!uter+ t said2 " regret that have "een tem!orarily closed to all communication+ (eanwhile$ here is some light music+" They turned off the light music+ They searched every corner of the shi! in increasing "ewilderment and alarm+ Everywhere was dead and silent+ ?owhere was there any trace of 9a!hod or of (arvin+ *ne of the last areas they checked was the small "ay in which the ?utri5(atic machine was located+ *n the delivery !late of the ?utri5(atic Drink )ynthesi/er was a small tray$ on which sat three "one china cu!s and saucers$ a "one china 7ug of milk$ a silver tea!ot full of the "est tea Arthur had ever tasted$ and a small !rinted note saying "4ait"+

0ha!ter F

Ursa (inor &eta is$ some say$ one of the most a!!alling !laces in the known Universe+ Although it is e.cruciatingly rich$ horrifyingly sunny and more full of wonderfully e.citing !eo!le than a !omegranate is of !i!s$ it can hardly "e insignificant that when a recent edition of Play"eing maga/ine headlined an article with the words "4hen you are tired of Ursa (inor &eta you are tired of life"$ the suicide rate -uadru!led overnight+ ?ot that there are any nights on Ursa (inor &eta+ t is a 4est 9one !lanet which "y an ine.!lica"le and somewhat sus!icious freak of to!ogra!hy consists almost entirely of su"5tro!ical coastline+ &y an e-ually sus!icious freak of tem!oral relastatics$ it is nearly always )aturday afternoon 7ust "efore the "each "ars close+ ?o ade-uate e.!lanation for this has "een forthcoming from the dominant lifeforms on Ursa (inor &eta$ who s!end most of their time attem!ting to achieve s!iritual enlightenment "y running round swimming !ools$ and inviting nvestigation *fficials form the Galactic Geo5 Tem!oral 0ontrol &oard to "have a nice diurnal anomaly"+ There is only one city on Ursa (inor &eta$ and that is only called a city "ecause the swimming !ools are slightly thicker on the ground there than elsewhere+

f you a!!roach %ight 0ity "y air 5 and there is no other way of a!!roaching it$ no roads$ no !ort facilities 5 if you don=t fly they don=t want to see you in %ight 0ity 5 you will see why it has this name+ 'ere the sun shines "rightest of all$ glittering on the swimming !ools$ shimmering on the white$ !alm5lined "oulevards$ glistening on the healthy "ron/ed s!ecks moving u! and down them$ gleaming off the villas$ the ha/y air!ads$ the "each "ars and so on+ (ost !articularly it shines on a "uilding$ a tall "eautiful "uilding consisting of two thirty5storey white towers connected "y a "ridge half5way u! their length+ The "uilding is the home of a "ook$ and was "uilt here on the !roceeds of an e.traordinary co!yright law suit fought "etween the "ook=s editors and a "reakfast cereal com!any+ The "ook is a guide "ook$ a travel "ook+ t is one of the most remarka"le$ certainly the most successful$ "ooks ever to come out of the great !u"lishing cor!orations of Ursa (inor 5 more !o!ular than %ife &egins at ,ive 'undred and ,ifty$ "etter selling than The &ig &ang Theory 5 A Personal 3iew "y Eccentrica Gallum"its ;the tri!le "reasted whore of Eroticon )i.< and more controversial than *olon 0ollu!hid=s latest "lock"usting title Everything Aou ?ever 4anted To #now A"out )e. &ut 'ave &een ,orced To ,ind *ut+ ;And in many of the more rela.ed civili/ations on the *uter Eastern Rim of the Gala.y$ it has long sur!lanted the great Encyclo!aedia Galactica as the standard re!ository of all knowledge and wisdom$ for though it has many omissions and contains much that is a!ocry!hal$ or at least wildly inaccurate$ it scores over the older and more !edestrian work in two im!ortant res!ects+ ,irst$ it is slightly chea!er$ and secondly it has the words Don=t Panic !rinted in large friendly letters on its cover+<

t is of course that invalua"le com!anion for all those who want to see the marvels of the known Universe for less than thirty Altairan Dollars a day 5 The 'itch 'iker=s Guide to the Gala.y+ f you stood with your "ack to the main entrance lo""y of the Guide offices ;assuming you had landed "y now and freshened u! with a -uick di! and shower< and then walked east$ you would !ass along the leafy shade of %ife &oulevard$ "e ama/ed "y the !ale golden colour of the "eaches stretching away to your left$ astounded "y the mind5surfers floating carelessly along two feet a"ove the waves as if it was nothing s!ecial$ sur!rised and eventually slightly irritated "y the giant !alm trees that hum toneless nothings throughout the daylight hours$ in other words continuously+ f you then walked to the end of %ife &oulevard you would enter the %alamatine district of sho!s$ "olonut trees and !avement cafes where the U(5&etans come to rela. after a hard afternoon=s rela.ation on the "each+ The %alamatine district is one of those very few areas which doesn=t en7oy a !er!etual )aturday afternoon 5 it en7oys instead the cool of a !er!etual early )aturday evening+ &ehind it lie the night clu"s+

f$ on this !articular day$ afternoon$ stretch of eveningtime 5 call it what you will 5 you had a!!roached the second !avement cafe on the right you would have seen the usual crowd of U(5&etans chatting$ drinking$ looking very rela.ed$ and casually glancing at each other=s watches to see how e.!ensive they were+ Aou would also have seen a cou!le of rather dishevelled looking hitch5hikers from Algol who had recently arrived on an Arcturan (egafreighter a"oard which they had "een roughing it for a few days+ They were angry and "ewildered to discover that here$ within sight of the 'itch 'iker=s Guide "uilding itself$ a sim!le glass of fruit 7uice cost the e-uivalent of over si.ty Altairan dollars+ ")ell out$" one of them said$ "itterly+ f at that moment you had then looked at the ne.t ta"le "ut one you would have seen 9a!hod &ee"le"ro. sitting and looking very startled and confused+ The reason for his confusion was that five seconds earlier he had "een sitting on the "ridge of the starshi! 'eart of Gold+ "A"solute sell out$" said the voice again+ 9a!hod looked nervously out of the corners of his eyes at the two dishevelled hitch5hikers at the ne.t ta"le+ 4here the hell was he> 'ow had he got there> 4here was his shi!> 'is hand felt the arm of the chair on which he was sitting$ and then the ta"le in front of him+ They seemed solid enough+ 'e sat very still+ "'ow can they sit and write a guide for hitch5hikers in a !lace like this>" continued the voice+ " mean look at it+ %ook at it@" 9a!hod was looking at it+ ?ice !lace$ he thought+ &ut where> And why>

'e fished in his !ocket for his two !airs of sunglasses+ n the same !ocket he felt a hard smooth$ unidentified lum! of very heavy metal+ 'e !ulled it out and looked at it+ 'e "linked at it in sur!rise+ 4here had he got that> 'e returned it to his !ocket and !ut on the sunglasses$ annoyed to discover that the metal o"7ect had scratched one of the lenses+ ?evertheless$ he felt much more comforta"le with them on+ They were a dou"le !air of Joo Janta :CC )u!er50hromatic Peril )ensitive )unglasses$ which had "een s!ecially designed to hel! !eo!le develo! a rela.ed attitude to danger+ At the first hint of trou"le they turn totally "lack and thus !revent you from seeing anything that might alarm you+ A!art from the scratch the lenses were clear+ 'e rela.ed$ "ut only a little "it+ The angry hitch5hiker continued to glare at his monstrously e.!ensive fruit 7uice+ "4orst thing that ever ha!!ened to the Guide$ moving to Ursa (inor &eta$" he grum"led$ "they=ve all gone soft+ Aou know$ =ve even heard that they=ve created a whole electronically synthesi/ed Universe in one of their offices so they can go and research stories during the day and still go to !arties in the evening+ ?ot that day and evening mean much in this !lace+" Ursa (inor &eta$ thought 9a!hod+ At least he knew where he was now+ 'e assumed that this must "e his great grandfather=s doing$ "ut why> (uch to his annoyance$ a thought !o!!ed into his mind+ t was very clear and very distinct$ and he had now come to recogni/e these thoughts for what they were+ 'is instinct was to resist them+ They were the !re5ordained !rom!tings from the dark and locked off !arts of his mind+ 'e sat still and ignored the thought furiously+ t nagged at him+

'e ignored it+ t nagged at him+ 'e ignored it+ t nagged at him+ 'e gave in to it+ 4hat the hell$ he thought$ go with the flow+ 'e was too tired$ confused and hungry to resist+ 'e didn=t even know what the thought meant+

0ha!ter G

"'ello> Aes> (egadodo Pu"lications$ home of the 'itch 'iker=s Guide to the Gala.y$ the most totally remarka"le "ook in the whole of the known Universe$ can hel! you>" said the large !ink5winged insect into one of the seventy !hones lined u! along the vast chrome e.!anse of the rece!tion desk in the foyer of the 'itch 'iker=s Guide to the Gala.y offices+ t fluttered its wings and rolled its eyes+ t glared at all the gru""y !eo!le cluttering u! the foyer$ soiling the car!ets and leaving dirty handmarks on the u!holstery+ t adored working for the 'itch 'iker=s Guide to the Gala.y$ it 7ust wished there was some way of kee!ing all the hitch5hikers away+ 4eren=t they meant to "e hanging round dirty s!ace!orts or something> t was certain that it had read something somewhere in the "ook a"out the im!ortance of hanging round dirty s!ace!orts+ Unfortunately most of them seemed to come and hang around in this nice clean shiny foyer after hanging around in e.tremely dirty s!ace!orts+ And all they ever did was com!lain+ t shivered its wings+

"4hat>" it said into the !hone+ "Aes$ !assed on your message to (r 9arniwoo!$ "ut =m afraid he=s too cool to see you right now+ 'e=s on an intergalactic cruise+" t waved a !etulant tentacle at one of the gru""y !eo!le who was angrily trying to engage its attention+ The !etulant tentacle directed the angry !erson to look at the notice on the wall to its left and not to interru!t an im!ortant !hone call+ "Aes$" said the insect$ "he is in his office$ "ut he=s on an intergalactic cruise+ Thank you so much for calling+" t slammed down the !hone+ "Read the notice$" it said to the angry man who was trying to com!lain a"out one of the more ludicrous and dangerous !ieces of misinformation contained in the "ook+ The 'itch 'iker=s Guide to the Gala.y is an indis!ensa"le com!anion to all those who are keen to make sense of life in an infinitely com!le. and confusing Universe$ for though it cannot ho!e to "e useful or informative on all matters$ it does at least make the reassuring claim$ that where it is inaccurate it is at least definitely inaccurate+ n cases of ma7or discre!ancy it=s always reality that=s got it wrong+ This was the gist of the notice+ t said "The Guide is definitive+ Reality is fre-uently inaccurate+"

This has led to some interesting conse-uences+ ,or instance$ when the Editors of the Guide were sued "y the families of those who had died as a result of taking the entry on the !lanet Traal literally ;it said "Ravenous &ug"latter "easts often make a very good meal for visiting tourists" instead of "Ravenous &ug"latter "easts often make a very good meal of visiting tourists"< they claimed that the first version of the sentence was the more aesthetically !leasing$ summoned a -ualified !oet to testify under oath that "eauty was truth$ truth "eauty and ho!ed there"y to !rove that the guilty !arty was %ife itself for failing to "e either "eautiful or true+ The 7udges concurred$ and in a moving s!eech held that %ife itself was in contem!t of court$ and duly confiscated it from all those there !resent "efore going off to en7oy a !leasant evening=s ultragolf+ 9a!hod &ee"le"ro. entered the foyer+ 'e strode u! to the insect rece!tionist+ "*#$" he said$ "4here=s 9arniwoo!> Get me 9arniwoo!+" "E.cuse me$ sir>" said the insect icily+ t did not care to "e addressed in this manner+ "9arniwoo!+ Get him$ right> Get him now+" "4ell$ sir$" sna!!ed the fragile little creature$ "if you could "e a little cool a"out it +++" "%ook$" said 9a!hod$ " =m u! to here with cool$ *#> =m so ama/ingly cool you could kee! a side of meat inside me for a month+ am so hi! have difficulty seeing over my !elvis+ ?ow will you move "efore you "low it>" "4ell$ if you=d let me e.!lain$ sir$" said the insect ta!!ing the most !etulant of all the tentacles at its dis!osal$ " =m afraid that isn=t !ossi"le right now as (r 9arniwoo! is on an intergalactic cruise+" 'ell$ thought 9a!hod+

"4hen he=s going to "e "ack>" he said+ "&ack sir> 'e=s in his office+" 9a!hod !aused while he tried to sort this !articular thought out in his mind+ 'e didn=t succeed+ "This cat=s on an intergalactic cruise +++ in his office>" 'e leaned forward and gri!!ed the ta!!ing tentacle+ "%isten$ three eyes$" he said$ "don=t you try to outweird me+ get stranger things than you free with my "reakfast cereal+" "4ell$ 7ust who do you think you are$ honey>" flounced the insect -uivering its wings in rage$ "9a!hod &ee"le"ro. or something>" "0ount the heads$" said 9a!hod in a low ras!+ The insect "linked at him+ t "linked at him again+ "Aou are 9a!hod &ee"le"ro.>" it s-ueaked+ "Aeah$" said 9a!hod$ ""ut don=t shout it out or they=ll all want one+" "The 9a!hod &ee"le"ro.>" "?o$ 7ust a 9a!hod &ee"le"ro.$ didn=t you hear si. !acks>" come in

The insect rattled its tentacles together in agitation+ "&ut sir$" it s-uealed$ " 7ust heard on the su"5ether radio re!ort+ t said that you were dead +++" "Aeah$ that=s right$" said 9a!hod$ " 7ust haven=t sto!!ed moving yet+ ?ow+ 4here do find 9arniwoo!>" "4ell$ sir$ his office is on the fifteenth floor$ "ut +++"

"&ut he=s on an intergalactic cruise$ yeah$ yeah$ how do get to him+" "The newly installed )irius 0y"ernetics 0or!oration 3ertical Peo!le Trans!orters are in the far corner sir+ &ut sir +++" 9a!hod was turning to go+ 'e turned "ack+ "Aeah>" he said+ "0an ask you why you want to see (r 9arniwoo!>" "Aeah$" said 9a!hod$ who was unclear on this !oint himself$ " told myself had to+" "0ome again sir>" 9a!hod leaned forward$ cons!irationally+ " 7ust materiali/ed out of thin air in one of your cafes$" he said$ "as a result of an argument with the ghost of my great grandfather+ ?o sooner had got there that my former self$ the one that o!erated on my "rain$ !o!!ed into my head and said DGo see 9arniwoo!=+ have never heard of the cat+ That is all know+ That and the fact that =ve got to find the man who rules the Universe+" 'e winked+ "(r &ee"le"ro.$ sir$" said the insect in awed wonder$ "you=re so weird you should "e in movies+" "Aeah$" said 9a!hod !atting the thing on a glittering !ink wing$ "and you$ "a"y$ should "e in real life+" The insect !aused for a moment to recover from its agitation and then reached out a tentacle to answer a ringing !hone+ A metal hand restrained it+

"E.cuse me$" said the owner of the metal hand in a voice that would have made an insect of a more sentimental dis!osition colla!se in tears+ This was not such an insect$ and it couldn=t stand ro"ots+ "Aes$ sir$" it sna!!ed$ "can hel! you>" " dou"t it$" said (arvin+ "4ell in that case$ if you=ll 7ust e.cuse me +++" )i. of the !hones were now ringing+ A million things awaited the insect=s attention+ "?o one can hel! me$" intoned (arvin+ "Aes$ sir$ well +++" "?ot that anyone tried of course+" The restraining metal hand fell lim!ly "y (arvin=s side+ 'is head hung forward very slightly+ " s that so$" said the insect tartly+ "'ardly worth anyone=s while to hel! a menial ro"ot is it>" " =m sorry$ sir$ if +++" " mean where=s the !ercentage in "eing kind or hel!ful to a ro"ot if it doesn=t have any gratitude circuits>" "And you don=t have any>" said the insect$ who didn=t seem to "e a"le to drag itself out of this conversation+ " =ve never had occasion to find out$" (arvin informed it+ "%isten$ you misera"le hea! of malad7usted metal +++" "Aren=t you going to ask me what want>"

The insect !aused+ ts long thin tongue darted out and licked its eyes and darted "ack again+ " s it worth it>" it asked+ " s anything>" said (arvin immediately+ "4hat +++ do +++ you +++ want>" " =m looking for someone+" "4ho>" hissed the insect+ "9a!hod &ee"le"ro.$" said (arvin$ "he=s over there+" The insect shook with rage+ t could hardly s!eak+ "Then why did you ask me>" it screamed+ " 7ust wanted something to talk to$" said (arvin+ "4hat@" "Pathetic isn=t it>" 4ith a grinding of gears (arvin turned and trundled off+ 'e caught u! with 9a!hod a!!roaching the elevators+ 9a!hod s!an round in astonishment+ "'ey +++ (arvin@" he said$ "(arvin@ 'ow did you get here>" (arvin was forced to say something which came very hard to him+ " don=t know$" he said+ "&ut +++" "*ne moment was sitting in your shi! feeling very de!ressed$ and the ne.t moment was standing here feeling utterly misera"le+ An m!ro"a"ility ,ield e.!ect+"

"Aeah$" said 9a!hod$ " e.!ect my great grandfather sent you along to kee! me com!any+" "Thanks a "undle grandad$" he added to himself under his "reath+ ")o$ how are you>" he said aloud+ "*h$ fine$" said (arvin$ "if you ha!!en to like "eing me which !ersonally don=t+" "Aeah$ yeah$" said 9a!hod as the elevator doors o!ened+ "'ello$" said the elevator sweetly$ " am to "e your elevator for this tri! to the floor of your choice+ have "een designed "y the )irius 0y"ernetics 0or!oration to take you$ the visitor to the 'itch 'iker=s Guide to the Gala.y$ into these their offices+ f you en7oy your ride$ which will "e swift and !leasura"le$ then you may care to e.!erience some of the other elevators which have recently "een installed in the offices of the Galactic ta. de!artment$ &oo"iloo &a"y ,oods and the )irian )tate (ental 'os!ital$ where many e.5)irius 0y"ernetics 0or!oration e.ecutives will "e delighted to welcome your visits$ sym!athy$ and ha!!y tales of the outside world+" "Aeah$" said 9a!hod$ ste!!ing into it$ "what else do you do "esides talk>" " go u!$" said the elevator$ "or down+" "Good$" said 9a!hod$ "4e=re going u!+" "*r down$" the elevator reminded him+ "Aeah$ *#$ u! !lease+" There was a moment of silence+ "Down=s very nice$" suggested the elevator ho!efully+

"*h yeah>" ")u!er+" "Good$" said 9a!hod$ "?ow will you take us u!>" "(ay ask you$" in-uired the elevator in its sweetest$ most reasona"le voice$ "if you=ve considered all the !ossi"ilities that down might offer you>" 9a!hod knocked one of his heads against the inside wall+ 'e didn=t need this$ he thought to himself$ this of all things he had no need of+ 'e hadn=t asked to "e here+ f he was asked at this moment where he would like to "e he would !ro"a"ly have said he would like to "e lying on the "each with at least fifty "eautiful women and a small team of e.!erts working out new ways they could "e nice to him$ which was his usual re!ly+ To this he would !ro"a"ly have added something !assionate on the su"7ect of food+ *ne thing he didn=t want to "e doing was chasing after the man who ruled the Universe$ who was only doing a 7o" which he might as well kee! at$ "ecause if it wasn=t him it would only "e someone else+ (ost of all he didn=t want to "e standing in an office "lock arguing with an elevator+ "%ike what other !ossi"ilities>" he asked wearily+ "4ell$" the voice trickled on like honey on "iscuits$ "there=s the "asement$ the microfiles$ the heating system +++ er +++" t !aused+ "?othing !articularly e.citing$" it admitted$ ""ut they are alternatives+" "'oly 9ar-uon$" muttered 9a!hod$ "did ask for an e.istentialist elevator>" he "eat his fists against the wall+ "4hat=s the matter with the thing>" he s!at+

" t doesn=t want to go u!$" said (arvin sim!ly$ " think it=s afraid+" "Afraid>" cried 9a!hod$ "*f what> 'eights> An elevator that=s afraid of heights>" "?o$" said the elevator misera"ly$ "of the future +++" "The future>" e.claimed 9a!hod$ "4hat does the wretched thing want$ a !ension scheme>" At that moment a commotion "roke out in the rece!tion hall "ehind them+ ,rom the walls around them came the sound of suddenly active machinery+ "4e can all see into the future$" whis!ered the elevator in what sounded like terror$ "it=s !art of our !rogramming+" 9a!hod looked out of the elevator 5 an agitated crowd had gathered round the elevator area$ !ointing and shouting+ Every elevator in the "uilding was coming down$ very fast+ 'e ducked "ack in+ "(arvin$" he said$ "7ust get this elevator go u! will you> 4e=ve got to get to 9arniwoo!+" "4hy>" asked (arvin dolefully+ " don=t know$" said 9a!hod$ ""ut when find him$ he=d "etter have a very good reason for me wanting to see him+" (odern elevators are strange and com!le. entities+ The ancient electric winch and "ma.imum5ca!acity5eight5 !ersons" 7o"s "ear as much relation to a )irius 0y"ernetics 0or!oration 'a!!y 3ertical Peo!le Trans!orter as a !acket of mi.ed nuts does to the entire west wing of the )irian )tate (ental 'os!ital+

This is "ecause they o!erate on the curios !rinci!le of "defocused tem!oral !erce!tion"+ n other words they have the ca!acity to see dimly into the immediate future$ which ena"les the elevator to "e on the right floor to !ick you u! even "efore you knew you wanted it$ thus eliminating all the tedious chatting$ rela.ing$ and making friends that !eo!le were !reviously forced to do whist waiting for elevators+ ?ot unnaturally$ many elevators im"ued with intelligence and !recognition "ecame terri"ly frustrated with the mindless "usiness of going u! and down$ u! and down$ e.!erimented "riefly with the notion of going sideways$ as a sort of e.istential !rotest$ demanded !artici!ation in the decision5making !rocess and finally took to s-uatting in "asements sulking+ An im!overished hitch5hiker visiting any !lanets in the )irius star system these days can !ick u! easy money working as a counsellor for neurotic elevators+ At the fifteenth floor the elevator doors o!ened -uickly+ ",ifteenth$" said the elevator$ "and remem"er$ =m only doing this "ecause like your ro"ot+" 9a!hod and (arvin "undled out of the elevator which instantly sna!!ed its doors shut and dro!!ed as fast as its mechanism would take it+ 9a!hod looked around warily+ The corridor was deserted and silent and gave no clue as to where 9arniwoo! might "e found+ All the doors that led off the corridor were closed and unmarked+

They were standing close to the "ridge which led across from one tower of the "uilding to the other+ Through a large window the "rilliant sun of Ursa (inor &eta threw "locks of light in which danced small s!ecks of dust+ A shadow flitted !ast momentarily+ "%eft in the lurch "y a lift$" muttered 9a!hod$ who was feeling at his least 7aunty+ They "oth stood and looked in "oth directions+ "Aou know something>" said 9a!hod to (arvin+ "(ore that you can !ossi"ly imagine+" " =m dead certain this "uilding shouldn=t "e shaking$" 9a!hod said+ t was 7ust a light tremor through the soles of his feet 5 and another one+ n the sun"eams the flecks of dust danced more vigorously+ Another shadow flitted !ast+ 9a!hod looked at the floor+ "Either$" he said$ not very confidently$ "they=ve got some vi"ro system for toning u! your muscles while you work$ or +++" 'e walked across to the window and suddenly stum"led "ecause at that moment his Joo Janta :CC )u!er5 0hromatic Peril )ensitive sunglasses had turned utterly "lack+ A large shadow flitted !ast the window with a shar! "u//+ 9a!hod ri!!ed off his sunglasses$ and as he did so the "uilding shook with a thunderous roar+ 'e lea!t to the window+ "*r$" he said$ "this "uilding=s "eing "om"ed@" Another roar cracked through the "uilding+

"4ho in the Gala.y would want to "om" a !u"lishing com!any>" asked 9a!hod$ "ut never heard (arvin=s re!ly "ecause at that moment the "uilding shook with another "om" attack+ 'e tried to stagger "ack to the elevator 5 a !ointless manoeuvre he reali/ed$ "ut the only one he could think of+ )uddenly$ at the end of the corridor leading at right angles from this one$ he caught sight of a figure as it lunged into view$ a man+ The man saw him+ "&ee"le"ro.$ over here@" he shouted+ 9a!hod eyed him with distrust as another "om" "last rocked the "uilding+ "?o$" called 9a!hod$ "&ee"le"ro. over here@ 4ho are you>" "A friend@" shouted "ack the man+ 'e ran towards 9a!hod+ "*h yeah>" said 9a!hod$ "Anyone=s friend in !articular$ or 7ust generally well dis!osed of !eo!le>" The man raced along the corridor$ the floor "ucking "eneath his feet like an e.cited "lanket+ 'e was short$ stocky and weather"eaten and his clothes looked as if they=d "een twice round the Gala.y and "ack with him in them+ "Do you know$" 9a!hod shouted in his ear when he arrived$ "your "uilding=s "eing "om"ed>" The man indicated his awareness+ t suddenly sto!!ed "eing light+ Glancing round at the window to see why$ 9a!hod ga!ed as a huge sluglike$ gunmetal5green s!acecraft cre!t through the air !ast the "uilding+ Two more followed it+

"The government you deserted is out to get you$ 9a!hod$" hissed the man$ "they=ve sent a s-uadron of ,rogstar ,ighters+" ",rogstar ,ighters@" muttered 9a!hod$ "9ar-uon@" "Aou get the !icture>" "4hat are ,rogstar ,ighters>" 9a!hod was sure he=d heard someone talk a"out them when he was President$ "ut he never !aid much attention to official matters+ The man was !ulling him "ack through a door+ 'e went with him+ 4ith a searing whine a small "lack s!ider5like o"7ect shot through the air and disa!!eared down the corridor+ "4hat was that>" hissed 9a!hod+ ",rogstar )cout ro"ot class A out looking for you$" said the man+ "'ey yeah>" "Get down@" ,rom the o!!osite direction came a larger "lack s!ider5like o"7ect+ t /a!!ed !ast them+ "And that was +++>" "A ,rogstar )cout ro"ot class & out looking for you+" "And that>" said 9a!hod$ as a third one seared through the air+ "A ,rogstar )cout ro"ot class 0 out looking for you+" "'ey$" chuckled 9a!hod to himself$ "!retty stu!id ro"ots eh>"

,rom over the "ridge came a massive rum"ling hum+ A gigantic "lack sha!e was moving over it from the o!!osite tower$ the si/e and sha!e of a tank+ "'oly !hoton$ what=s that>" "A tank$" said the man$ ",rogstar )cout ro"ot class D come to get you+" ")hould we leave>" " think we should+" "(arvin@" called 9a!hod+ "4hat do you want>" (arvin rose from a !ile of ru""le further down the corridor and looked at them+ "Aou see that ro"ot coming towards us>" (arvin looked at the gigantic "lack sha!e edging forward towards them over the "ridge+ 'e looked down at his own small metal "ody+ 'e looked "ack u! at the tank+ " su!!ose you want me to sto! it$" he said+ "Aeah+" "4hilst you save your skins+" "Aeah$" said 9a!hod$ "get in there@" "Just so long$" said (arvin$ "as know where stand+" The man tugged at 9a!hod=s arm$ and 9a!hod followed him off down the corridor+ A !oint occurred to him a"out this+

"4here are we going>" he said+ "9arniwoo!=s office+" " s this any time to kee! an a!!ointment>" "0ome on+"

0ha!ter H

(arvin stood at the end of the "ridge corridor+ 'e was not in fact a !articularly small ro"ot+ 'is silver "ody gleamed in the dusty sun"eams and shook with the continual "arrage which the "uilding was still undergoing+ 'e did$ however$ look !itifully small as the gigantic "lack tank rolled to a halt in front of him+ The tank e.amined him with a !ro"e+ The !ro"e withdrew+ (arvin stood there+ "*ut of my way little ro"ot$" growled the tank+ " =m afraid$" said (arvin$ "that =ve "een left here to sto! you+" The !ro"e e.tended again for a -uick recheck+ t withdrew again+ "Aou> )to! me>" roared the tank+ "Go on@" "?o$ really have$" said (arvin sim!ly+

"4hat are you armed with>" roared the tank in dis"elief+ "Guess$" said (arvin+ The tank=s engines rum"led$ its gears ground+ (olecule5 si/ed electronic relays dee! in its micro5"rain fli!!ed "ackwards and forwards in consternation+ "Guess>" said the tank+ 9a!hod and the as yet unnamed man lurched u! one corridor$ down a second and along a third+ The "uilding continued to rock and 7udder and this !u//led 9a!hod+ f they wanted to "low the "uilding u!$ why was it taking so long> 4ith difficulty they reached one of a num"er of totally anonymous unmarked doors and heaved at it+ 4ith a sudden 7olt it o!ened and they fell inside+ All this way$ thought 9a!hod$ all this trou"le$ all this not5 lying5on5the5"each5having5a5wonderful5time$ and for what> A single chair$ a single desk and a single dirty ashtray in an undecorated office+ The desk$ a!art from a "it of dancing dust and single$ revolutionary form of !a!er cli!$ was em!ty+ "4here$" said 9a!hod$ "is 9arniwoo!>" feeling that his already tenuous gras! of the !oint of this whole e.ercise was "eginning to sli!+ "'e=s on an intergalactic cruise$" said the man+ 9a!hod tried to si/e the man u!+ Earnest ty!e$ he thought$ not a "arrel of laughs+ 'e !ro"a"ly a!!ortioned a fair whack of his time to running u! and down heaving corridors$ "reaking down doors and making cry!tic remarks in em!ty offices+

"%et me introduce myself$" the man said$ "(y name is Roosta$ and this is my towel+" "'ello Roosta$" said 9a!hod+ "'ello$ towel$" he added as Roosta held out to him a rather nasty old flowery towel+ ?ot knowing what to do with it$ he shook it "y the corner+ *utside the window$ one of the huge slug5like$ gunmetal5 green s!aceshi!s growled !ast+ "Aes$ go on$" said (arvin to the huge "attle machine$ "you=ll never guess+" "Errmmm +++" said the machine$ vi"rating with unaccustomed thought$ "laser "eams>" (arvin shook his head solemnly+ "?o$" muttered the machine in its dee! guttural rum"le$ "Too o"vious+ Anti5matter ray>" it ha/arded+ ",ar too o"vious$" admonished (arvin+ "Aes$" grum"led the machine$ somewhat a"ashed$ "Er +++ how a"out an electron ram>" This was new to (arvin+ "4hat=s that>" he said+ "*ne of these$" said the machine with enthusiasm+ ,rom its turret emerged a shar! !rong which s!at a single lethal "la/e of light+ &ehind (arvin a wall roared and colla!sed as a hea! of dust+ The dust "illowed "riefly$ then settled+ "?o$" said (arvin$ "not one of those+"

"Good though$ isn=t it>" "3ery good$" agreed (arvin+ " know$" said the ,rogstar "attle machine$ after another moment=s consideration$ "you must have one of those new Ianthic Re5)tructron Desta"ili/ed 9enon Emitters@"

"?ice$ aren=t they>" said (arvin+ "That=s what you=ve got>" said the machine in considera"le awe+ "?o$" said (arvin+ "*h$" said the machine$ disa!!ointed$ "then it must "e +++" "Aou=re thinking along the wrong lines$" said (arvin$ "Aou=re failing to take into account something fairly "asic in the relationshi! "etween men and ro"ots+" "Er$ know$" said the "attle machine$ "is it +++" it tailed off into thought again+ "Just think$" urged (arvin$ "they left me$ an ordinary$ menial ro"ot$ to sto! you$ a gigantic heavy5duty "attle machine$ whilst they ran off to save themselves+ 4hat do you think they would leave me with>" "*ooh$ er$" muttered the machine in alarm$ "something !retty damn devastating should e.!ect+" "E.!ect@" said (arvin$ "oh yes$ e.!ect+ =ll tell you what they gave me to !rotect myself with shall J"

"Aes$ alright$" said the "attle machine$ "racing itself+ "?othing$" said (arvin+ There was a dangerous !ause+ "?othing>" roared the "attle machine+ "?othing at all$" intoned (arvin dismally$ "not an electronic sausage+" The machine heaved a"out with fury+ "4ell$ doesn=t that 7ust take the "iscuit@" it roared$ "?othing$ eh> Just don=t think$ do they>" "And me$" said (arvin in a soft low voice$ "with this terri"le !ain in all the diodes down my left side+" "(akes you s!it$ doesn=t it>" "Aes$" agreed (arvin with feeling+ "'ell that makes me angry$" "ellowed the machine$ "think =ll smash that wall down@" The electron ram sta""ed out another searing "la/e of light and took out the wall ne.t to the machine+ "'ow do you think feel>" said (arvin "itterly+ "Just ran off and left you$ did they>" the machine thundered+ "Aes$" said (arvin+ " think =ll shoot down their "loody ceiling as well@" raged the tank+ t took out the ceiling of the "ridge+ "That=s very im!ressive$" murmured (arvin+

"Aou ain=t seeing nothing yet$" !romised the machine$ " can take out this floor too$ no trou"le@" t took out the floor$ too+ "'ell=s "ells@" the machine roared as it !lummeted fifteen storeys and smashed itself to "its on the ground "elow+ "4hat a de!ressingly stu!id machine$" said (arvin and trudged away+

0ha!ter K

")o$ do we 7ust sit here$ or what>" said 9a!hod angrily$ "what do these guys out here want>" "Aou$ &ee"le"ro.$" said Roosta$ "they=re going to take you to the ,rogstar 5 the most totally evil world in the Gala.y+" "*h$ yeah>" said 9a!hod+ "They=ll have to come and get me first+" "They have come and got you$" said Roosta$ "look out of the window+" 9a!hod looked$ and ga!ed+ "The ground=s going away@" he gas!ed$ "where are they taking the ground>" "They=re taking the "uilding$" said Roosta$ "we=re air"orne+" 0louds streaked !ast the office window+

*ut in the o!en air again 9a!hod could see the ring of dark green ,rogstar ,ighters round the u!rooted tower of the "uilding+ A network of force "eams radiated in from them and held the tower in a firm gri!+ 9a!hod shook his head in !er!le.ity+ "4hat have done to deserve this>" he said$ " walk into a "uilding$ they take it away+" " t=s not what you=ve done they=re worried a"out$" said Roosta$ "it=s what you=re going to do+" "4ell don=t get a say in that>" "Aou did$ years ago+ Aou=d "etter hold on$ we=re in for a fast and "um!y 7ourney+" " f ever meet myself$" said 9a!hod$ " =ll hit myself so hard won=t know what=s hit me+" (arvin trudged in through the door$ looked at 9a!hod accusingly$ slum!ed in a corner and switched himself off+ *n the "ridge of the 'eart of Gold$ all was silent+ Arthur stared at the rack in front of him and thought+ 'e caught Trillian=s eyes as she looked at him in-uiringly+ 'e looked "ack at the rack+ ,inally he saw it+ 'e !icked u! five small !lastic s-uares and laid them on the "oard that lay 7ust in front of the rack+ The five s-uares had on them the five letters E$ I$ 6$ U and + 'e laid them ne.t to the letters )$ $ T$ E+ "E.-uisite$" he said$ "on a tri!le word score+ )cores rather a lot =m afraid+"

The shi! "um!ed and scattered some of the letters for the =n=th time+ Trillian sighed and started to sort them out again+ U! and down the silent corridors echoed ,ord Prefect=s feet as he stalked the shi! thum!ing dead instruments+ 4hy did the shi! kee! shaking> he thought+ 4hy did it rock and sway> 4hy could he not find out where they were> 4here$ "asically$ were they> The left5hand tower of the 'itch 'iker=s Guide to the Gala.y offices streaked through interstellar s!ace at a s!eed never e-ualled either "efore or since "y any other office "lock in the Universe+ n a room halfway u! it$ 9a!hod &ee"le"ro. strode angrily+ Roosta sat on the edge of the desk doing some routine towel maintenance+ "'ey$ where did you say this "uilding was flying to>" demanded 9a!hod+ "The ,rogstar$" said Roosta$ "the most totally evil !lace in the Universe+" "Do they have food there>" said 9a!hod+ ",ood> Aou=re going to the ,rogstar and you=re worried a"out whether they got food>" "4ithout food may not make it to the ,rogstar+"

*ut of the window$ they could see nothing "ut the flickering light of the force "eams$ and vague green streaks which were !resuma"ly the distorted sha!es of the ,rogstar ,ighters+ At this s!eed$ s!ace itself was invisi"le$ and indeed unreal+ "'ere$ suck this$" said Roosta$ offering 9a!hod his towel+ 9a!hod stared at him as if he e.!ected a cuckoo to lea! out of his forehead on a small s!ring+ " t=s soaked in nutrients$" e.!lained Roosta+ "4hat are you$ a messy eater or something>" said 9a!hod+ "The yellow stri!es are high in !rotein$ the green ones have vitamin & and 0 com!le.es$ the little !ink flowers contain wheatgerm e.tracts+" 9a!hod took and looked at it in ama/ement+ "4hat are the "rown stains>" he asked+ "&ar5&56 sauce$" said Roosta$ "for when get sick of wheatgerm+" 9a!hod sniffed it dou"tfully+ Even more dou"tfully$ he sucked a corner+ 'e s!at it out again+ "Ugh$" he stated+ "Aes$" said Roosta$ "when =ve had to suck that end need to suck the other end a "it too+" "4hy$" asked 9a!hod sus!iciously$ "what=s in that>" "Anti5de!ressants$" said Roosta+ " =ve gone right off this towel$ you know$" said 9a!hod handing it "ack+ usually

Roosta took it "ack from him$ swung himself off the desk$ walked round it$ sat in the chair and !ut his feet u!+ "&ee"le"ro.$" he said$ sticking his hands "ehind his head$ "have you any idea what=s going to ha!!en to you on the ,rogstar>" "They=re going to feed me>" ha/arded 9a!hod ho!efully+ "They=re going to feed you$" said Roosta$ "into the Total Pers!ective 3orte.@" 9a!hod had never heard of this+ 'e "elieved that he had heard of all the fun things in the Gala.y$ so he assumed that the Total Pers!ective 3orte. was not fun+ 'e asked what it was+ "*nly$" said Roosta$ "the most savage !sychic torture a sentinent "eing can undergo+" 9a!hod nodded a resigned nod+ ")o$" he said$ "no food$ huh>" "%isten@" said Roosta urgently$ "you can kill a man$ destroy his "ody$ "reak his s!irit$ "ut only the Total Pers!ective 3orte. can annihilate a man=s soul@ The treatment lasts seconds$ "ut the effect lasts the rest of your life@" "Aou ever had a Pan Galactic Gargle &laster>" asked 9a!hod shar!ly+ "This is worse+" "Phreeow@" admitted 9a!hod$ much im!ressed+ "Any idea why these guys might want to do this to me>" he added a moment later+ "They "elieve it will "e the "est way of destroying you for ever+ They know what you=re after+"

"0ould they dro! me a note and let me know as well>" "Aou know$" said Roosta$ "you know$ &ee"le"ro.+ Aou want to meet the man who rules the Universe+" "0an he cook>" said 9a!hod+ *n reflection he added2 " dou"t if he can+ f he could cook a good meal he wouldn=t worry a"out the rest of the Universe+ want to meet a cook+" Roosta sighed heavily+ "4hat are you doing here anyway>" demanded 9a!hod$ "what=s all this got to so with you>" " =m 7ust one of those who !lanned this thing$ along with 9arniwoo!$ along with Aooden 3ran.$ along with your great grandfather$ along with you$ &ee"le"ro.+" "(e>" "Aes$ you+ was told you had changed$ much+" "&ut +++" " am here to do one 7o"+ will do it "efore leave you+" "4hat 7o"$ man$ what are you talking a"out>" " will do it "efore leave you+" Roosta la!sed into an im!enetra"le silence+ 9a!hod was terri"ly glad+ didn=t reali/e how

0ha!ter L

The air around the second !lanet of the ,rogstar system was stale and unwholesome+ The dank winds that swe!t continually over its surface swe!t over salt flats$ dried u! marshland$ tangled and rotting vegetation and the crum"ling remains of ruined cities+ ?o life moved across its surface+ The ground$ like that of many !lanets in this !art of the Gala.y$ had long "een deserted+ The howl of the wind was desolate enough as it gusted through the old decaying houses of the cities8 it was more desolate as it whi!!ed a"out the "ottoms of the tall "lack towers that swayed uneasily here and there a"out the surface of this world+ At the to! of these towers lived colonies of large$ scraggy$ evil smelling "irds$ the sole survivors of the civili/ation that once lived here+ The howl of the wind was at its most desolate$ however$ when it !assed over a !im!le of a !lace set in the middle of a wide grey !lain on the outskirts of the largest of the a"andoned cities+ This !im!le of a !lace was the thing that had earned this world the re!utation of "eing the most totally evil !lace in the Gala.y+ ,rom without it was sim!ly a steel dome a"out thirty feet across+ ,rom within it was something more monstrous than the mind can com!rehend+

A"out a hundred yards or so away$ and se!arated from it "y a !ockmarked and "lasted stretch of the most "arren land imagina"le was what would !ro"a"ly have to "e descri"ed as a landing !ad of sorts+ That is to say that scattered over a largish area were the ungainly hulks of two or three do/en crash5landed "uildings+ ,litting over and around these "uildings was a mind$ a mind that was waiting for something+ The mind directed its attention into the air$ and "efore very long a distant s!eck a!!eared$ surrounded "y a ring of smaller s!ecks+ The larger s!eck was the left5hand tower of the 'itch 'iker=s Guide to the Gala.y office "uilding$ descending through the stratos!here of ,rogstar 4orld &+ As it descended$ Roosta suddenly "roke the long uncomforta"le silence that had grown u! "etween the two men+ 'e stood u! and gathered his towel into a "ag+ 'e said2 "&ee"le"ro.$ will now do the 7o" was sent here to do+" 9a!hod looked u! at him from where he was sitting in a corner sharing uns!oken thoughts with (arvin+ "Aeah>" he said+ "The "uilding will shortly "e landing+ 4hen you leave the "uilding$ do not go out of the door$" said Roosta$ "go out of the window+" "Good luck$" he added$ and walked out of the door$ disa!!earing from 9a!hod=s life as mysteriously as he had entered it+

9a!hod lea!t u! and tried the door$ "ut Roosta had already looked it+ 'e shrugged and returned to the corner+ Two minutes later$ the "uilding crashlanded amongst the other wreckage+ ts escort of ,rogstar ,ighters deactivated their force "eams and soared off into the air again$ "ound for ,rogstar 4orld A$ an altogether more congenial s!ot+ They never landed on ,rogstar 4orld &+ ?o one did+ ?o one ever walked on its surface other than the intended victims of the Total Pers!ective 3orte.+ 9a!hod was "adly shaken "y the crash+ 'e lay for a while in the silent dusty ru""le to which most of the room had "een reduced+ 'e felt that he was at the lowest e"" he had ever reached in his life+ 'e felt "ewildered$ he felt lonely$ he felt unloved+ Eventually he felt he ought to get whatever it was over with+ 'e looked around the cracked and "roken room+ The wall had s!lit round the door frame$ and the door hung o!en+ The window$ "y some miracle was closed and un"roken+ ,or a while he hesitated$ then he thought that if his strange and recent com!anion had "een through all that he had "een through 7ust to tell him what he had told him$ then there must "e a good reason for it+ 4ith (arvin=s hel! he got the window o!en+ *utside it$ the cloud of dust aroused "y the crash$ and the hulks of the other "uildings with which this one was surrounded$ effectively !revented 9a!hod from seeing anything of the world outside+ ?ot that this concerned him unduly+ 'is main concern was what he saw when he looked down+ 9arniwoo!=s office was on the fifteenth floor+ The "uilding had landed at a tilt of a"out forty5five degrees$ "ut still the descent looked heart5sto!!ing+

Eventually$ stung "y the continuous series of contem!tuous looks that (arvin a!!eared to "e giving him$ he took a dee! "reath and clam"ered out on to the stee!ly inclined side of the "uilding+ (arvin followed him$ and together they "egan to crawl slowly and !ainfully down the fifteen floors that se!arated them from the ground+ As he crawled$ the dank air and dust choked his lungs$ his eyes smarted and the terrifying distance down made his heads s!in+ The occasional remark from (arvin of the order of "This is the sort of thing you lifeforms en7oy is it> ask merely for information$" did little to im!rove his state of mind+ A"out half5way down the side of the shattered "uilding they sto!!ed to rest+ t seemed to 9a!hod as he lay there !anting with fear and e.haustion that (arvin seemed a mite more cheerful than usual+ Eventually he reali/ed this wasn=t so+ The ro"ot 7ust seemed cheerful in com!arison with his own mood+ A large$ scraggy "lack "ird came fla!!ing through the slowly settling clouds of dust and$ stretching down its scrawny legs$ landed on an inclined window ledge a cou!le of yards from 9a!hod+ t folded its ungainly wings and teetered awkwardly on its !erch+ ts wings!an must have "een something like si. feet$ and its head and neck seemed curiously large for a "ird+ ts face was flat$ the "eak underdevelo!ed$ and half5way along the underside of its wings the vestiges of something handlike could "e clearly seen+ n fact$ it looked almost human+ t turned its heavy eyes on 9a!hod and clicked its "eak in a desultory fashion+ "Go away$" said 9a!hod+

"*#$" muttered the "ird morosely and fla!!ed off into the dust again+ 9a!hod watched its de!arture in "ewilderment+ "Did that "ird 7ust talk to me>" he asked (arvin nervously+ 'e was -uite !re!ared to "elieve the alternative e.!lanation$ that he was in fact hallucinating+ "Aes$" confirmed (arvin+ "Poor souls$" said a dee!$ ethereal voice in 9a!hod=s ear+ Twisting round violently to find the source of the voice nearly caused 9a!hod to fall off the "uilding+ 'e gra""ed savagely at a !rotruding window fitting and cut his hand on it+ 'e hung on$ "reathing heavily+ The voice had no visi"le source whatever 5 there was no one there+ ?evertheless$ it s!oke again+ "A tragic history "ehind them$ you know+ A terri"le "light+" 9a!hod looked wildly a"out+ The voice was dee! and -uiet+ n other circumstances it would even "e descri"ed as soothing+ There is$ however$ nothing soothing a"out "eing addressed "y a disem"odied voice out of nowhere$ !articularly if you are$ like 9a!hod &ee"le"ro.$ not at your "est and hanging from a ledge eight storeys u! a crashed "uilding+ "'ey$ er +++" he stammered+ ")hall tell you their story>" in-uired the voice -uietly+ "'ey$ who are you>" !anted 9a!hod+ "4here are you>" "%ater then$ !erha!s$" murmured the voice+ " am Gargravarr+ am the 0ustodian of the Total Pers!ective 3orte.+"

"4hy can=t see +++" "Aou will find your !rogress down the "uilding greatly facilitated$" the voice lifted$ "if you move a"out two yards to your left+ 4hy don=t you try it>" 9a!hod looked and saw a series of short hori/ontal grooves leading all the way down the side of the "uilding+ Gratefully he shifted himself across to them+ "4hy don=t see you again at the "ottom>" said the voice in his ear$ and as it s!oke it faded+ "'ey$" called out 9a!hod$ "4here are you +++" " t=ll only take a cou!le of minutes +++" said the voice very faintly+ "(arvin$" said 9a!hod earnestly to the ro"ot s-uatting de7ectedly ne.t to him$ "Did a +++ did a voice 7ust +++" "Aes$" (arvin re!lied tersely+ 9a!hod nodded+ 'e took out his Peril )ensitive )unglasses again+ They were com!letely "lack$ and "y now -uite "adly scratched "y the une.!ected metal o"7ect in his !ocket+ 'e !ut them on+ 'e would find his way down the "uilding more comforta"ly if he didn=t actually have to look at what he was doing+ (inutes later he clam"ered over the ri!!ed and mangled foundations of the "uilding and$ once more removing his sunglasses$ he dro!!ed to the ground+

(arvin 7oined him a moment or so later and lay face down in the dust and ru""le$ from which !osition he seemed too disinclined to move+ "Ah$ there you are$" said the voice suddenly in 9a!hod=s ear$ "e.cuse me leaving you like that$ it=s 7ust that have a terri"le head for heights+ At least$" it added wistfully$ " did have a terri"le head for heights+" 9a!hod looked around slowly and carefully$ 7ust to see if he had missed something which might "e the source of the voice+ All he saw$ however$ was the dust$ the ru""le and the towering hulks of the encircling "uildings+ "'ey$ er$ why can=t see you>" he said$ "why aren=t you here>" " am here$" said the voice slowly$ "my "ody wanted to come "ut it=s a "it "usy at the moment+ Things to do$ !eo!le to see+" After what seemed like a sort of ethereal sigh it added$ "Aou know how it is with "odies+" 9a!hod wasn=t sure a"out this+ " thought did$" he said+ " only ho!e it=s gone for a rest cure$" continued the voice$ "the way it=s "een living recently it must "e on its last el"ows+" "El"ows>" said 9a!hod$ "don=t you mean last legs>" The voice said nothing for a while+ 9a!hod looked around uneasily+ 'e didn=t know if it was gone or was still there or what it was doing+ Then the voice s!oke again+ ")o$ you are to "e !ut into the 3orte.$ yes>"

"Er$ well$" said 9a!hod with a very !oor attem!t at nonchalance$ "this cat=s in no hurry$ you know+ can 7ust slouch a"out and take in a look at the local scenery$ you know>" "'ave you seen the local scenery>" asked the voice of Gargravarr+ "Er$ no+" 9a!hod clam"ered over the ru""le$ and rounded the corner of one of the wrecked "uildings that was o"scuring his view+ 'e looked out at the landsca!e of ,rogstar 4orld &+ "Ah$ *#$" he said$ " =ll 7ust sort of slouch a"out then+" "?o$" said Gargravarr$ "the 3orte. is ready for you now+ Aou must come+ ,ollow me+" "Er$ yeah>" said 9a!hod$ "and how am meant to do that>" " =ll hum for you$" said Gargravarr$ "follow the humming+" A soft keening sound drifted through the air$ a !ale$ sad sound that seemed to "e without any kind of focus+ t was only "y listening very carefully that 9a!hod was a"le to detect the direction from which it was coming+ )lowly$ da/edly$ he stum"led off in its wake+ 4hat else was there to do>

0ha!ter 1C

The Universe$ as has "een o"served "efore$ is an unsettlingly "ig !lace$ a fact which for the sake of a -uiet life most !eo!le tend to ignore+ (any would ha!!ily move to somewhere rather smaller of their own devising$ and this is what most "eings in fact do+ ,or instance$ in one corner of the Eastern Galactic Arm lies the large forest !lanet *glaroon$ the entire "intelligent" !o!ulation of which lives !ermanently in one fairly small and crowded nut tree+ n which tree they are "orn$ live$ fall in love$ carve tiny s!eculative articles in the "ark on the meaning of life$ the futility of death and the im!ortance of "irth control$ fight a few e.tremely minor wars$ and eventually die stra!!ed to the underside of some of the less accessi"le outer "ranches+ n fact the only *glaroonians who ever leave their tree are those who are hurled out of it for the heinous crime of wondering whether any of the other trees might "e ca!a"le of su!!orting life at all$ or indeed whether the other trees are anything other than illusions "rought on "y eating too many *glanuts+ E.otic though this "ehaviour may seem$ there is no life form in the Gala.y which is not in some way guilty of the same thing$ which is why the Total Pers!ective 3orte. is as horrific as it is+ ,or when you are !ut into the 3orte. you are given 7ust one momentary glim!se of the entire unimagina"le infinity of creation$ and somewhere in it a tiny little marker$ a microsco!ic dot on a microsco!ic dot$ which says "Aou are here+" The grey !lain stretched "efore 9a!hod$ a ruined$ shattered !lain+ The wind whi!!ed wildly over it+

3isi"le in the middle was the steel !im!le of the dome+ This$ gathered 9a!hod$ was where he was going+ This was the Total Pers!ective 3orte.+ As he stood and ga/ed "leakly at it$ a sudden inhuman wail of terror emanated from it as of a man having his soul "urnt from his "ody+ t screamed a"ove the wind and died away+ 9a!hod started with fear and his "lood seemed to turn to li-uid helium+ "'ey$ what was that>" he muttered voicelessly+ "A recording$" said Gargravarr$ "of the last man who was !ut in the 3orte.+ t is always !layed to the ne.t victim+ A sort of !relude+" "'ey$ it really sounds "ad +++" stammered 9a!hod$ "couldn=t we may"e slo!e off to a !arty or something for a while$ think it over>" ",or all know$" said Gargravarr=s ethereal voice$ " =m !ro"a"ly at one+ (y "ody that is+ t goes to a lot of !arties without me+ )ays only get in the way+ 'ey ho+" "4hat is all this with your "ody>" said 9a!hod$ an.ious to delay whatever it was that was going to ha!!en to him+ "4ell$ it=s +++ it=s "usy you know$" said Gargravarr hesitantly+ "Aou mean it=s got a mind of its own>" said 9a!hod+ There was a long and slightly chilly !ause "efore Gargravarr s!oke again+ " have to say$" he re!lied eventually$ "that find that remark in rather !oor taste+" 9a!hod muttered a "ewildered and em"arrassed a!ology+

"?o matter$" said Gargravarr$ "you weren=t to know+" The voice fluttered unha!!ily+ "The truth is$" it continued in tones which suggested he was trying very hard to kee! it under control$ "the truth is that we are currently undergoing a !eriod of legal trial se!aration+ sus!ect it will end in divorce+" The voice was still again$ leaving 9a!hod with no idea of what to say+ 'e mum"led uncertainly+ " think we are !ro"a"ly not very well suited$" said Gargravarr again at length$ "we never seemed to "e ha!!y doing the same things+ 4e always had the greatest arguments over se. and fishing+ Eventually we tried to com"ine the two$ "ut that only led to disaster$ as you can !ro"a"ly imagine+ And now my "ody refuses to let me in+ t won=t even see me +++" 'e !aused again$ tragically+ The wind whi!!ed across the !lain+ " t says only inhi"it it+ !ointed out that in fact was meant to inhi"it it$ and it said that that was e.actly the sort of smart alec remark that got right u! a "ody=s left nostril$ and so we left it+ t will !ro"a"ly get custody of my forename+" "*h +++" said 9a!hod faintly$ "and what=s that>" "Pi/!ot$" said the voice$ "(y name is Pi/!ot Gargravarr+ )ays it all really doesn=t it>" "Errr +++" said 9a!hod sym!athetically+ "And that is why $ as a disem"odied mind$ have this 7o"$ 0ustodian of the Total Pers!ective 3orte.+ ?o one will ever walk on the ground of this !lanet+ E.ce!t the victims of the 3orte. 5 they don=t really count =m afraid+"

"Ah +++" " =ll tell you the story+ 4ould you like to hear it>" "Er +++" "(any years ago this was a thriving$ ha!!y !lanet 5 !eo!le$ cities sho!s$ a normal world+ E.ce!t that on the high streets of these cities there were slightly more shoe sho!s than one might have thought necessary+ And slowly$ insidiously$ the num"ers of these shoe sho!s were increasing+ t=s a well known economic !henomenon "ut tragic to see it in o!eration$ for the more shoe sho!s there were$ the more shoes they had to make and the worse and more unweara"le they "ecame+ And the worse they were to wear$ the more !eo!le had to "uy to kee! themselves shod$ and the more the sho!s !roliferated$ until the whole economy of the !lace !assed what "elieve is termed the )hoe Event 'ori/on$ and it "ecame no longer economically !ossi"le to "uild anything other than shoe sho!s+ Result 5 colla!se$ ruin and famine+ (ost of the !o!ulation died out+ Those few who had the right kind of genetic insta"ility mutated into "irds 5 you=ve seen one of them 5 who cursed their feet$ cursed the ground$ and vowed that none should walk on it again+ Unha!!y lot+ 0ome$ must take you to the 3orte.+" 9a!hod shook his head in "emusement and stum"led forward across the !lain+ "And you$" he said$ "you come from this hellhole !it do you>" "?o no$" said Gargravarr$ taken a"ack$ " come from the ,rogstar 4orld 0+ &eautiful !lace+ 4onderful fishing+ flit "ack there in the evenings+ Though all can do now is watch+ The Total Pers!ective 3orte. is the only thing on this !lanet with any function+ t was "uilt here "ecause no one else wanted it on their doorste!+"

At that moment another dismal scream rent the air and 9a!hod shuddered+ "4hat can do that to a guy>" he "reathed+ "The Universe$" said Gargravarr sim!ly$ "the whole infinite Universe+ The infinite suns$ the infinite distances "etween them$ and yourself an invisi"le dot on an invisi"le dot$ infinitely small+" "'ey$ =m 9a!hod &ee"le"ro.$ man$ you know$" muttered 9a!hod trying to fla! the last remnants of his ego+ Gargravarr made no re!ly$ "ut merely resumed his mournful humming till they reached the tarnished steel dome in the middle of the !lain+ As they reached it$ a door hummed o!en in the side$ revealing a small darkened cham"er within+ "Enter$" said Gargravarr+ 9a!hod started with fear+ "'ey$ what$ now>" he said+ "?ow+" 9a!hod !eered nervously inside+ The cham"er was very small+ t was steel5lined and there was hardly s!ace in it for more than one man+ " t +++ er +++ it doesn=t look like any kind of 3orte. to me$" said 9a!hod+ " t isn=t$" said Gargravarr$ "it=s 7ust the elevator+ Enter+" 4ith infinite tre!idation 9a!hod ste!!ed into it+ 'e was aware of Gargravarr "eing in the elevator with him$ though the disem"odied man was not for the moment s!eaking+

The elevator "egan its descent+ " must get myself into the right frame of mind for this$" muttered 9a!hod+ "There is no right frame of mind$" said Gargravarr sternly+ "Aou really know how to make a guy feel inade-uate+" " don=t+ The 3orte. does+" At the "ottom of the shaft$ the rear of the elevator o!ened u! and 9a!hod stum"led out into a smallish$ functional$ steel5 lined cham"er+ At the far side of it stood a single u!right steel "o.$ 7ust large enough for a man to stand in+ t was that sim!le+ t connected to a small !ile of com!onents and instruments via a single thick wire+ " s that it>" said 9a!hod in sur!rise+ "That is it+" Didn=t look too "ad$ thought 9a!hod+ "And get in there do >" said 9a!hod+ "Aou get in there$" said Gargravarr$ "and =m afraid you must do it now+" "*#$ *#$" said 9a!hod+ 'e o!ened the door of the "o. and ste!!ed in+ nside the "o. he waited+

After five seconds there was a click$ and the entire Universe was there in the "o. with him+

0ha!ter 11

The Total Pers!ective 3orte. derives its !icture of the whole Universe on the !rinci!le of e.tra!olated matter analyses+ To e.!lain 5 since every !iece of matter in the Universe is in some way affected "y every other !iece of matter in the Universe$ it is in theory !ossi"le to e.tra!olate the whole of creation 5 every sun$ every !lanet$ their or"its$ their com!osition and their economic and social history from$ say$ one small !iece of fairy cake+ The man who invented the Total Pers!ective 3orte. did so "asically in order to annoy his wife+ Trin Tragula 5 for that was his name 5 was a dreamer$ a thinker$ a s!eculative !hiloso!her or$ as his wife would have it$ an idiot+ And she would nag him incessantly a"out the utterly inordinate amount of time he s!ent staring out into s!ace$ or mulling over the mechanics of safety !ins$ or doing s!ectrogra!hic analyses of !ieces of fairy cake+ "'ave some sense of !ro!ortion@" she would say$ sometimes as often as thirty5eight times in a single day+ And so he "uilt the Total Pers!ective 3orte. 5 7ust to show her+

And into one end he !lugged the whole of reality as e.tra!olated from a !iece of fairy cake$ and into the other end he !lugged his wife2 so that when he turned it on she saw in one instant the whole infinity of creation and herself in relation to it+ To Trin Tragula=s horror$ the shock com!letely annihilated her "rain8 "ut to his satisfaction he reali/ed that he had !roved conclusively that if life is going to e.ist in a Universe of this si/e$ then the one thing it cannot afford to have is a sense of !ro!ortion+ The door of the 3orte. swung o!en+ ,rom his disem"odied mind Gargravarr watched de7ectedly+ 'e had rather liked 9a!hod &ee"le"ro. in a strange sort of way+ 'e was clearly a man of many -ualities$ even if they were mostly "ad ones+ 'e waited for him to flo! forwards out of the "o.$ as they all did+ nstead$ he ste!!ed out+ "'i@" he said+ "&ee"le"ro. +++" gas!ed Gargravarr=s mind in ama/ement+ "0ould have a drink !lease>" said 9a!hod+ "Aou +++ you +++ have "een in the 3orte.>" stammered Gargravarr+ "Aou saw me$ kid+" "And it was working>" ")ure was+" "And you saw the whole infinity of creation>"

")ure+ Really neat !lace$ you know that>" Gargravarr=s mind was reeling in astonishment+ 'ad his "ody "een with him it would have sat down heavily with its mouth hanging o!en+ "And you saw yourself$" said Gargravarr$ "in relation to it all>" "*h$ yeah$ yeah+" "&ut +++ what did you e.!erience>" 9a!hod shrugged smugly+ " t 7ust told me what knew all the time+ =m a really terrific and great guy+ Didn=t tell you$ "a"y$ =m 9a!hod &ee"le"ro.@" 'is ga/e !assed over the machinery which !owered the vorte. and suddenly sto!!ed$ startled+ 'e "reathed heavily+ "'ey$" he said$ "is that really a !iece of fairy cake>" 'e ri!!ed the small !iece of confectionery from the sensors with which it was surrounded+ " f told you how much needed this$" he said ravenously$ " wouldn=t have time to eat it+" 'e ate it+

0ha!ter 1:

A short while later he was running across the !lain in the direction of the ruined city+ The dank air whee/ed heavily in his lungs and he fre-uently stum"led with the e.haustion he was still feeling+ ?ight was "eginning to fall too$ and the rough ground was treacherous+ The elation of his recent e.!erience was still with him though+ The whole Universe+ 'e had seen the whole Universe stretching to infinity around him 5 everything+ And with it had come the clear and e.traordinary knowledge that he was the most im!ortant thing in it+ 'aving a conceited ego is one thing+ Actually "eing told "y a machine is another+ 'e didn=t have time to reflect on this matter+ Gargravarr had told him that he would have to alert his masters as to what had ha!!ened$ "ut that he was !re!ared to leave a decent interval "efore doing so+ Enough time for 9a!hod to make a "reak and find somewhere to hide+ 4hat he was going to do he didn=t know$ "ut feeling that he was the most im!ortant !erson in the Universe gave him the confidence to "elieve that something would turn u!+ ?othing else on this "lighted !lanet could give him much grounds for o!timism+ 'e ran on$ and soon reached the outskirts of the a"andoned city+ 'e walked along cracked and ga!ing roads riddled with scrawny weeds$ the holes filled with rotting shoes+ The "uildings he !assed were so crum"led and decre!it he thought it unsafe to enter any of them+ 4here could he hide> 'e hurried on+

After a while the remains of a wide swee!ing road led off from the one down which he was walking$ and at its end lay a vast low "uilding$ surrounded with sundry smaller ones$ the whole surrounded "y the remains of a !erimeter "arrier+ The large main "uilding still seemed reasona"ly solid$ and 9a!hod turned off to see if it might !rovide him with +++ well with anything+ 'e a!!roached the "uilding+ Along one side of it 5 the front it would seem since it faced a wide concreted a!ron area 5 were three gigantic doors$ may"e si.ty feet high+ The far one of these was o!en$ and towards this$ 9a!hod ran+ nside$ all was gloom$ dust and confusion+ Giant co"we"s lay over everything+ Part of the infrastructure of the "uilding had colla!sed$ !art of the rear wall had caved in$ and a thick choking dust lay inches over the floor+ Through the heavy gloom huge sha!es loomed$ covered with de"ris+ The sha!es were sometimes cylindrical$ sometimes "ul"ous$ sometimes like eggs$ or rather cracked eggs+ (ost of them were s!lit o!en or falling a!art$ some were mere skeletons+ They were all s!acecraft$ all derelict+ 9a!hod wandered in frustration among the hulks+ There was nothing here that remotely a!!roached the servicea"le+ Even the mere vi"ration of his footste!s caused one !recarious wreck to colla!se further into itself+ Towards the rear of the "uilding lay one old shi!$ slightly larger than the others$ and "uried "eneath even dee!er !iles of dust and co"we"s+ ts outline$ however$ seemed un"roken+ 9a!hod a!!roached it with interest$ and as he did so$ he tri!!ed over an old feedline+

'e tried to toss the feedline aside$ and to his sur!rise discovered that it was still connected to the shi!+ To his utter astonishment he reali/ed that the feedline was also humming slightly+ 'e stared at the shi! in dis"elief$ and then "ack down at the feedline in his hands+ 'e tore off his 7acket and threw it aside+ 0rawling along on his hands and knees he followed the feedline to the !oint where it connected with the shi!+ The connection was sound$ and the slight humming vi"ration was more distinct+ 'is heart was "eating fast+ 'e wi!ed away some grime and laid an ear against the shi!=s side+ 'e could only hear a faint$ indeterminate noise+ 'e rummaged feverishly amongst the de"ris lying on the floor all a"out him and found a short length of tu"ing$ and a non5"iodegrada"le !lastic cu!+ *ut of this he fashioned a crude stethosco!e and !laced it against the side of the shi!+ 4hat he heard made his "rains turn somersaults+ The voice said2 "Transtellar 0ruise %ines would like to a!ologi/e to !assengers for the continuing delay to this flight+ 4e are currently awaiting the loading of our com!lement of small lemon5soaked !a!er na!kins for your comfort$ refreshment and hygiene during the 7ourney+ (eanwhile we thank you for your !atience+ The ca"in crew will shortly "e serving coffee and "iscuits again+" 9a!hod staggered "ackwards$ staring wildly at the shi!+

'e walked around for a few moments in a da/e+ n so doing he suddenly caught sight of a giant de!arture "oard still hanging$ "ut "y only one su!!ort$ from the ceiling a"ove him+ t was covered with grime$ "ut some of the figures were still discerni"le+ 9a!hod=s eyes searched amongst the figures$ then made some "rief calculations+ 'is eyes widened+ "?ine hundred years +++" he "reathed to himself+ That was how late the shi! was+ Two minutes later he was on "oard+ As he ste!!ed out of the airlock$ the air that greeted him was cool and fresh 5 the air conditioning was still working+ The lights were still on+ 'e moved out of the small entrance cham"er into a short narrow corridor and ste!!ed nervously down it+ )uddenly a door o!ened and a figure ste!!ed out in front of him+ "Please return to your seat sir$" said the android stewardess and$ turning her "ack on him$ she walked on down the corridor in front of him+ 4hen his heart had started "eating again he followed her+ )he o!ened the door at the end of the corridor and walked through+ 'e followed her through the door+ They were now in the !assenger com!artment and 9a!hod=s heart sto!!ed still again for a moment+ n every seat sat a !assenger$ stra!!ed into his or her seat+

The !assengers= hair was long and unkem!t$ their fingernails were long$ the men wore "eards+ All of them were -uite clearly alive 5 "ut slee!ing+ 9a!hod had the cree!ing horrors+ 'e walked slowly down the aisle as in a dream+ &y the time he was half5way down the aisle$ the stewardess had reached the other end+ )he turned and s!oke+ "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen$" she said sweetly$ "Thank you for "earing with us during this slight delay+ 4e will "e taking off as soon as we !ossi"ly can+ f you would like to wake u! now will serve you coffee and "iscuits+" There was a slight hum+ At that moment$ all the !assengers awoke+ They awoke screaming and clawing at their stra!s and life su!!ort systems that held them tightly in their seats+ They screamed and "awled and hollered till 9a!hod thought his ears would shatter+ They struggled and writhed as the stewardess !atiently moved u! the aisle !lacing a small cu! of coffee and a !acket of "iscuits in front of each one of them+ Then one of them rose from his seat+ 'e turned and looked at 9a!hod+ 9a!hod=s skin was crawling all over his "ody as if it was trying to get off+ 'e turned and ran from the "edlam+ 'e !lunged through the door and "ack into the corridor+ The man !ursued him+

'e raced in a fren/y to the end of the corridor$ through the entrance cham"er and "eyond+ 'e arrived on the flight deck$ slammed and "olted the door "ehind him+ 'e leant "ack against the door "reathing hard+ 4ithin seconds$ a hand started "eating on the door+ ,rom somewhere on the flight deck a metallic voice addressed him+ "Passengers are not allowed on the flight deck+ Please return to your seat$ and wait for the shi! to take off+ 0offee and "iscuits are "eing served+ This is your auto!ilot s!eaking+ Please return to your seat+" 9a!hod said nothing+ 'e "reathed hard$ "ehind him$ the hand continued to knock on the door+ "Please return to your seat$" re!eated the auto!ilot+ "Passengers are not allowed on the flight deck+" " =m not a !assenger$" !anted 9a!hod+ "Please return to your seat+" " am not a !assenger@" shouted 9a!hod again+ "Please return to your seat+" " am not a +++ hello$ can you hear me>" "Please return to your seat+" Aou=re the auto!ilot>" said 9a!hod+ "Aes$" said the voice from the flight console+ "Aou=re in charge of this shi!>"

"Aes$" said the voice again$ "there has "een a delay+ Passengers are to "e ke!t tem!orarily in sus!ended animation$ for their comfort and convenience+ 0offee and "iscuits are "eing served every year$ after which !assengers are returned to sus!ended animation for their continued comfort and convenience+ De!arture will take !lace when the flight stores are com!lete+ 4e a!ologi/e for the delay+" 9a!hod moved away from the door$ on which the !ounding had now ceased+ 'e a!!roached the flight console+ "Delay>" he cried$ "'ave you seen the world outside this shi!> t=s a wasteland$ a desert+ 0ivili/ation=s "een and gone$ man+ There are no lemon5soaked !a!er na!kins on the way from anywhere@" "The statistical likelihood$" continued the auto!ilot !rimly$ "is that other civili/ations will arise+ There will one day "e lemon5soaked !a!er na!kins+ Till then there will "e a short delay+ Please return to your seat+" "&ut +++" &ut at that moment the door o!ened+ 9a!hod s!an round to see the man who had !ursued him standing there+ 'e carried a large "riefcase+ 'e was smartly dressed$ and his hair was short+ 'e had no "eard and no long fingernails+ "9a!hod &ee"le"ro.$" he said$ "(y name is 9arniwoo!+ "elieve you wanted to see me+" 9a!hod &ee"le"ro. wittered+ 'is mouths said foolish things+ 'e dro!!ed into a chair+ "*h man$ oh man$ where did you s!ring from>" he said+

" =ve "een waiting here for you$" he said in a "usinesslike tone+ 'e !ut the "riefcase down and sat in another chair+ " am glad you followed instructions$" he said$ " was a "it nervous that you might have left my office "y the door rather than the window+ Then you would have "een in trou"le+" 9a!hod shook his heads at him and "ur"led+ "4hen you entered the door of my office$ you entered my electronically synthesi/ed Universe$" he e.!lained$ "if you had left "y the door you would have "een "ack in the real one+ The artificial one works from here+" 'e !atted the "riefcase smugly+ 9a!hod glared at him with resentment and loathing+ "4hat=s the difference>" he muttered+ "?othing$" said 9arniwoo!$ "they are identical+ *h 5 e.ce!t that think the ,rogstar ,ighters are grey in the real Universe+" "4hat=s going on>" s!at 9a!hod+ ")im!le$" said 9arniwoo!+ 'is self assurance and smugness made 9a!hod seethe+ "3ery sim!le$" re!eated 9arniwoo!$ " discovered the coordinated at which this man could "e found 5 the man who rules the Universe$ and discovered that his world was !rotected "y an Un!ro"a"ility field+ To !rotect my secret 5 and myself 5 retreated to the safety of this totally artificial Universe and hid myself away in a forgotten cruise liner+ was secure+ (eanwhile$ you and +++"

"Aou and >" said 9a!hod angrily$ "you mean knew you>" "Aes$" said 9arniwoo!$ "we knew each other well+" " had no taste$" said 9a!hod and resumed a sullen silence+ "(eanwhile$ you and arranged that you would steal the m!ro"a"ility Drive shi! 5 the only one which could reach the ruler=s world 5 and "ring it to me here+ This you have now done trust$ and congratulate you+" 'e smiled a tight little smile which 9a!hod wanted to hit with a "rick+ "*h$ and in case you were wondering$" added 9arniwoo!$ "this Universe was created s!ecifically for you to come to+ Aou are therefore the most im!ortant !erson in this Universe+ Aou would never$" he said with an even more "ricka"le smile$ "have survived the Total Pers!ective 3orte. in the real one+ )hall we go>" "4here>" said 9a!hod sullenly+ 'e felt colla!sed+ "To your shi!+ The 'eart of Gold+ Aou did "ring it trust>" "?o+" "4here is your 7acket>" 9a!hod looked at him in mystification+ "(y 7acket> took it off+ t=s outside+" "Good$ we will go and find it+" 9arniwoo! stood u! and gestured to 9a!hod to follow him+ *ut in the entrance cham"er again$ they could hear the screams of the !assengers "eing fed coffee and "iscuits+ " t has not "een a !leasant e.!erience waiting for you$" said 9arniwoo!+

"?ot !leasant for you@" "awled 9a!hod$ "'ow do you think +++" 9arniwoo! held u! a silencing finger as the hatchway swung o!en+ A few feet away from them they could see 9a!hod=s 7acket lying in the de"ris+ "A very remarka"le and very !owerful shi!$" said 9arniwoo!$ "watch+" As they watched$ the !ocket on the 7acket suddenly "ulged+ t s!lit$ it ri!!ed+ The small metal model of the 'eart of Gold that 9a!hod had "een "ewildered to discover in his !ocket was growing+ t grew$ it continued to grow+ t reached$ after two minutes$ its full si/e+ "At an m!ro"a"ility %evel$" said 9arniwoo!$ "of +++ oh know$ "ut something very large+" 9a!hod swayed+ "Aou mean had it with me all the time>" "9arniwoo! smiled+ 'e lifted u! his "riefcase and o!ened it+ 'e twisted a single switch inside it+ "Good"ye artificial Universe$" he said$ "hello real one@" The scene "efore them shimmered "riefly 5 and rea!!eared e.actly as "efore+ "Aou see>" said 9arniwoo!$ "e.actly the same+" "Aou mean$" re!eated 9a!hod tautly$ "that had it with me all the time>" "*h yes$" said 9arniwoo!$ "of course+ That was the whole !oint+" don=t

"That=s it$" said 9a!hod$ "you can count me out$ from hereon in you can count me out+ =ve had all want of this+ Aou !lay your own games+" " =m afraid you cannot leave$" said 9arniwoo!$ "you are entwined in the m!ro"a"ility field+ Aou cannot esca!e+" 'e smiled the smile that 9a!hod had wanted to hit and this time 9a!hod hit it+

0ha!ter 1B

,ord Prefect "ounded u! to the "ridge of the 'eart of Gold+ "Trillian@ Arthur@" he shouted$ "it=s working@ The shi!=s reactivated@" Trillian and Arthur were aslee! on the floor+ "0ome on you guys$ we=re going off$ we=re off$" he said kicking them awake+ "'i there guys@" twittered the com!uter$ "it=s really great to "e "ack with you again$ can tell you$ and 7ust want to say that +++"

")hut u!$" said ,ord$ "tell us where the hell we are+"

",rogstar 4orld &$ and man it=s a dum!$" said 9a!hod running on to the "ridge$ "hi$ guys$ you must "e so ama/ingly glad to see me you don=t even find words to tell me what a cool frood am+" "4hat a what>" said Arthur "learily$ !icking himself u! from the floor and not taking any of this in+ " know how you feel$" said 9a!hod$ " =m so great even tongue5tied talking to myself+ 'ey it=s good to see you Trillian$ ,ord$ (onkeyman+ 'ey$ er$ com!uter +++>" "'i there$ (r &ee"le"ro. sir$ sure is a great honor to +++" ")hut u! and get us out of here$ fast fast fast+" ")ure thing$ fella$ where do you want to go>" "Anywhere$ doesn=t matter$" shouted 9a!hod$ "yes it does@" he said again$ "we want to go to the nearest !lace to eat@" ")ure thing$" said the com!uter ha!!ily and a massive e.!losion rocket the "ridge+ 4hen 9arniwoo! entered a minute or so later with a "lack eye$ he regarded the four wis!s of smoke with interest+ get

0ha!ter 1E

,our inert "odies sank through s!inning "lackness+ 0onsciousness had died$ cold o"livion !ulled the "odies down and down into the !it of un"eing+ The roar of silence echoed dismally around them and they sank at last into a dark and "itter sea of heaving red that slowly engulfed them$ seemingly for ever+ After what seemed an eternity the sea receded and left them lying on a cold hard shore$ the flotsam and 7etsam of the stream of %ife$ the Universe$ and Everything+ 0old s!asms shook them$ lights danced sickeningly around them+ The cold hard shore ti!!ed and s!an and then stood still+ t shone darkly 5 it was a very highly !olished cold hard shore+ A green "lur watched them disa!!rovingly+ t coughed+ "Good evening$ madam$ gentlemen$" it said$ "do you have a reservation>" ,ord Prefect=s consciousness sna!!ed "ack like elastic$ making his "rain smart+ 'e looked u! woo/ily at the green "lur+ "Reservation>" he said weakly+ "Aes$ sir$" said the green "lur+ "Do you need a reservation for the afterlife>" n so far as it is !ossi"le for a green "lur to arch its eye"rows disdainfully$ this is what the green "lur now did+ "Afterlife$ sir>" it said+ Arthur Dent was gra!!ling with his consciousness the way one gra!!les with a lost "ar of soa! in the "ath+ " s this the afterlife>" he stammered+

"4ell assume so$" said ,ord Prefect trying to work out which way was u!+ 'e tested the theory that it must lie in the o!!osite direction from the cold hard shore on which he was lying$ and staggered to what he ho!ed were his feet+ " mean$" he said$ swaying gently$ "there=s no way we could have survived that "last is there>" "?o$" muttered Arthur+ 'e had raised himself on to his el"ows "ut it didn=t seem to im!rove things+ 'e slum!ed down again+ "?o$" said Trillian$ standing u!$ "no way at all+" A dull hoarse gurgling sound came from the floor+ t was 9a!hod &ee"le"ro. attem!ting to s!eak+ " certainly didn=t survive$" he gurgled$ " was a total goner+ 4ham "ang and that was it+" "Aeah$ thanks to you$" said ,ord$ "4e didn=t stand a chance+ 4e must have "een "lown to "its+ Arms$ legs everywhere+" "Aeah$" said 9a!hod struggling noisily to his feet+ " f the lady and gentlemen would like to order drinks +++" said the green "lur$ hovering im!atiently "eside them+ "#er!ow$ s!lat$" continued 9a!hod$ "instantaneously /onked into our com!onent molecules+ 'ey$ ,ord$" he said$ identifying one of the slowly solidifying "lurs around him$ "did you get that thing of your whole life flashing "efore you>" "Aou got that too>" said ,ord$ "your whole life>" "Aeah$" said 9a!hod$ "at least assume it was mine+ a lot of time out of my skulls you know+" s!ent

'e looked at around him at the various sha!es that were at last "ecoming !ro!er sha!es instead of vague and wo""ling sha!eless sha!es+ ")o +++" he said+ ")o what>" said ,ord+ ")o here we are$" said 9a!hod hesitantly$ "lying dead +++" ")tanding$" Trillian corrected him+ "Er$ standing dead$" continued 9a!hod$ "in this desolate +++" "Restaurant$" said Arthur Dent who had got to his feet and could now$ much to his sur!rise$ see clearly+ That is to say$ the thing that sur!rised him was not that he could see$ "ut what he could see+ "'ere we are$" continued 9a!hod doggedly$ "standing dead in this desolate +++" ",ive star +++" said Trillian+ "Restaurant$" concluded 9a!hod+ "*dd isn=t it>" said ,ord+ "Er$ yeah+" "?ice chandeliers though$" said Trillian+ They looked a"out themselves in "emusement+ " t=s not so much an afterlife$" said Arthur$ "more a sort of a!res vie+"

The chandeliers were in fact a little on the flashy side and the low vaulted ceiling from which they hung would not$ in an ideal Universe$ have "een !ainted in that !articular shade of dee! tur-uoise$ and even if it had "een it wouldn=t have "een highlighted "y concealed moodlighting+ This is not$ however$ an ideal Universe$ as was further evidenced "y the eye5crossing !atterns of the inlaid mar"le floor$ and the way in which the fronting for the eighty5 yard long mar"le5to!!ed "ar had "een made+ The fronting for the eighty5yard long mar"le5to!!ed "ar had "een made "y stitching together nearly twenty thousand Antarean (osaic %i/ard skins$ des!ite the fact that the twenty thousand li/ards concerned had needed them to kee! their insides in+ A few smartly dressed creatures were lounging casually at the "ar or rela.ing in the richly coloured "ody5hugging seats that were de!loyed here and there a"out the "ar area+ A young 3l='urg officer and his green steaming young lady !assed through the large smoked glass doors at the far end of the "ar into the da//ling light of the main "ody of the Restaurant "eyond+ &ehind Arthur was a large curtained "ay window+ 'e !ulled aside the corner of the curtain and looked out at a landsca!e which under normal circumstances would have given Arthur the cree!ing horrors+ These were not$ however$ normal circumstances$ for the thing that fro/e his "lood and made his skin try to crawl u! his "ack and off the to! of his head was the sky+ The sky was +++ An attendant flunkey !olitely drew the curtain "ack into !lace+ "All in good time$ sir$" he said+ 9a!hod=s eyes flashed+

"'ey$ hang a"out you dead guys$" he said$ " think we=re missing some ultra5im!ortant thing here you know+ )omething some"ody said and we missed it+" Arthur was !rofoundly relieved to turn his attention from what he had 7ust seen+ 'e said$ " said it was a sort of a!res +++" "Aeah$ and don=t you wish you hadn=t>" said 9a!hod$ ",ord>" " said it was odd+" "Aeah$ shrewd "ut dull$ !erha!s it was +++" "Perha!s$" interru!ted the green "lur who had "y this time resolved into the sha!e of a small wi/ened dark5suited green waiter$ "!erha!s you would care to discuss the matter over drinks +++"

"Drinks@" cried 9a!hod$ "that was it@ )ee what you miss if you don=t stay alert+" " ndeed sir$" said the waiter !atiently+ " f the lady and gentlemen would care to order drinks "efore dinner +++" "Dinner@" 9a!hod e.claimed with !assion$ "%isten$ little green !erson$ my stomach could take you home and cuddle you all night for the mere idea+" "+++ and the Universe$" concluded the waiter$ determined not to "e deflected on his home stretch$ "will e.!lode later for your !leasure+"

,ord=s head swivelled towards him+ 'e s!oke with feeling+ "4ow$" he said$ "4hat sort of drinks do you serve in this !lace>" The waiter laughed a !olite little waiter=s laugh+ "Ah$" he said$ " think sir has !erha!s misunderstood me+" "*h$ ho!e not$" "reathed ,ord+ The waiter coughed a !olite little waiter=s cough+ " t is not unusual for our customers to "e a little disoriented "y the time 7ourney$" he said$ "so if might suggest +++" "Time 7ourney>" said 9a!hod+ "Time 7ourney>" said ,ord+ "Time 7ourney>" said Trillian+ "Aou mean this isn=t the afterlife>" said Arthur+ The waiter smiled a !olite little waiter=s smile+ 'e had almost e.hausted his !olite little waiter re!ertoire and would soon "e sli!!ing into his role of a rather tight li!!ed and sarcastic little waiter+ "Afterlife sir>" he said$ "?o sir+" "And we=re not dead>" said Arthur+ The waiter tightened his li!s+ "Aha$ ha$" he said$ ")ir is most evidently alive$ otherwise would not attem!t to serve sir+" n an e.traordinary gesture which is !ointless attem!ting to descri"e$ 9a!hod &ee"le"ro. sla!!ed "oth his foreheads with two of his arms and one of his thighs with the other+

"'ey guys$" he said$ "This is cra/y+ 4e finally did it+ 4e finally got to where we were going+ This is (illiways@" "Aes sir$" said the waiter$ laying on the !atience with a trowel$ "this is (illiways 5 the Restaurant at the End of the Universe+" "End of what>" said Arthur+ "The Universe$" re!eated the waiter$ very clearly and unnecessarily distinctly+ "4hen did that end>" said Arthur+ " n 7ust a few minutes$ sir$" said the waiter+ 'e took a dee! "reath+ 'e didn=t need to do this since his "ody was su!!lied with the !eculiar assortment of gases it re-uired for survival from a small intravenous device stra!!ed to his leg+ There are times$ however$ when whatever your meta"olism you have to take a dee! "reath+ "?ow$ if you would care to order drinks at last$" he said$ " will then show you to your ta"le+" 9a!hod grinned two manic grins$ sauntered over to the "ar and "ought most of it+

0ha!ter 1F

The Restaurant at the End of the Universe is one of the most e.traordinary ventures in the entire history of catering+ t has "een "uilt on the fragmented remains of +++ it will "e "uilt on the fragmented +++ that is to say it will have "een "uilt "y this time$ and indeed has "een 5 *ne of the ma7or !ro"lems encountered in time travel is not that of accidentally "ecoming your own father or mother+ There is no !ro"lem involved in "ecoming your own father or mother that a "roadminded and well5ad7usted family can=t co!e with+ There is also no !ro"lem a"out changing the course of history 5 the course of history does not change "ecause it all fits together like a 7igsaw+ All the im!ortant changes have ha!!ened "efore the things they were su!!osed to change and it all sorts itself out in the end+ The ma7or !ro"lem is -uite sim!ly one of grammar$ and the main work to consult in this matter is Dr Dan )treetmentioner=s Time Traveller=s 'and"ook of 1CC1 Tense ,ormations+ t will tell you for instance how to descri"e something that was a"out to ha!!en to you in the !ast "efore you avoided it "y time57um!ing forward two days in order to avoid it+ The event will "e descri"ed differently according to whether you are talking a"out it from the stand!oint of your own natural time$ from a time in the further future$ or a time in the further !ast and is further com!licated "y the !ossi"ility of conducting conversations whilst you are actually travelling from one time to another with the intention of "ecoming your own father or mother+ (ost readers get as far as the ,uture )emi50onditionally (odified )u"inverted Plagal Past )u"7unctive ntentional "efore giving u!2 and in fact in later editions of the "ook all the !ages "eyond this !oint have "een left "lank to save on !rinting costs+

The 'itch 'ikers Guide to the Gala.y ski!s lightly over this tangle of academic a"straction$ !ausing only to note that the term ",uture Perfect" has "een a"andoned since it was discovered not to "e+ To resume2 The Restaurant at the End of the Universe is one of the most e.traordinary ventures in the entire history of catering+ t is "uilt on the fragmented remains of an eventually ruined !lanet which is ;wioll haven "e< enclosed in a vast time "u""le and !ro7ected forward in time to the !recise moment of the End of the Universe+ This is$ many would say$ im!ossi"le+ n it$ guests take ;willan on5take< their !laces at ta"le and eat ;willan on5eat< sum!tuous meals whilst watching ;willing watchen< the whole of creation e.!lode around them+ This is$ many would say$ e-ually im!ossi"le+ Aou can arrive ;mayan arivan on5when< for any sitting you like without !rior ;late fore5when< reservation "ecause you can "ook retros!ectively$ as it were when you return to your own time+ ;you can have on5"ook haventa forewhen !resooning returningwenta retrohome+< This is$ many would now insist$ a"solutely im!ossi"le+ At the Restaurant you can meet and dine with ;mayan meetan con with dinan on when< a fascinating cross5section of the entire !o!ulation of s!ace and time+ This$ it can "e e.!lained !atiently$ is also im!ossi"le+

Aou can visit it as many times as you like ;mayan on5visit re5 onvisiting +++ and so on 5 for further tense5corrections consult Dr )treetmentioner=s "ook< and "e sure of never meeting yourself$ "ecause of the em"arrassment this usually causes+ This$ even if the rest were true$ which it isn=t$ is !atently im!ossi"le$ say the dou"ters+ All you have to do is de!osit one !enny in a savings account in your own era$ and when you arrive at the End of Time the o!eration of com!ound interest means that the fa"ulous cost of your meal has "een !aid for+ This$ many claim$ is not merely im!ossi"le "ut clearly insane$ which is why the advertising e.ecutives of the star system of &asta"lon came u! with this slogan2 " f you=ve done si. im!ossi"le things this morning$ why not round it off with "reakfast at (illiways$ the Restaurant at the End of the Universe>"

0ha!ter 1G

At the "ar$ 9a!hod was ra!idly "ecoming as tired as a newt+ 'is heads knocked together and his smiles were coming out of synch+ 'e was misera"ly ha!!y+ "9a!hod$" said ,ord$ "whilst you=re still ca!a"le of s!eech$ would you care to tell me what the !hoton ha!!ened> 4here have you "een> 4here have we "een> )mall matter$ "ut =d like it cleared u!+"

9a!hod=s left head so"ered u!$ leaving his right to sink further into the o"scurity of drink+ "Aeah$" he said$ " =ve "een around+ They want me to find the man who rules the Universe$ "ut don=t care to meet him+ "elieve the man can=t cook+" 'is left head watched his right head saying this and then nodded+ "True$" it said$ "have another drink+" ,ord had another Pan Galactic Gargle &laster$ the drink which has "een descri"ed as the alcoholic e-uivalent of a mugging 5 e.!ensive and "ad for the head+ 4hatever had ha!!ened$ ,ord decided$ he didn=t really care too much+ "%isten ,ord$" said 9a!hod$ "everything=s cool and froody+" "Aou mean everything=s under control+" "?o$" said 9a!hod$ " do not mean everything=s under control+ That would not "e cool and froody+ f you want to know what ha!!ened let=s 7ust say had the whole situation in my !ocket+ *#>" ,ord shrugged+ 9a!hod giggled into his drink+ t frothed u! over the side of the glass and started to eat its way into the mar"le "ar to!+ A wild5skinned sky5gy!sy a!!roached them and !layed electric violin at them until 9a!hod gave him a lot of money and he agreed to go away again+ The gy!sy a!!roached Arthur and Trillian sitting in another !art of the "ar+

" don=t know what this !lace is$" said Arthur$ ""ut gives me the cree!s+" "'ave another drink$" said Trillian$ "En7oy yourself+"

think it

"4hich>" said Arthur$ "the two are mutually e.clusive+" "Poor Arthur$ you=re not really cut out for this life are you>" "Aou call this life>" "Aou=re "eginning to sound like (arvin+" "(arvin=s the clearest thinker know+ 'ow do you think we make this violinist go away>" The waiter a!!roached+ "Aour ta"le is ready$" he said+ )een from the outside$ which it never is$ the Restaurant resem"les a giant glittering starfish "eached on a forgotten rock+ Each of its arms houses the "ars$ the kitchens$ the forcefield generators which !rotect the entire structure and the decayed !lanet on which it sits$ and the Time Tur"ines which slowly rock the whole affair "ackwards and forwards across the crucial moment+ n the centre sits the gigantic golden dome$ almost a com!lete glo"e$ and it was into this area that 9a!hod$ ,ord$ Arthur and Trillian now !assed+ At least five tons of glitter alone had gone into it "efore them$ and covered every availa"le surface+ The other surfaces were not availa"le "ecause they were already encrusted with 7ewels$ !recious sea shells from )antraginus$ gold leaf$ mosaic tiles$ li/ard skins and a million unidentifia"le em"ellishments and decorations+ Glass glittered$ silver shone$ gold gleamed$ Arthur Dent goggled+

"4owee$" said 9a!hod$ "9a!!o+" " ncredi"le@" "reathed Arthur$ "the !eo!le +++ @ The things +++ @"

"The things$" said ,ord Prefect -uietly$ "are also !eo!le+" "The !eo!le +++" resumed Arthur$ "the +++ other !eo!le +++" "The lights +++ @" said Trillian+ "The ta"les +++" said Arthur+ "The clothes +++ @" said Trillian+ The waiter thought they sounded like a cou!le of "ailiffs+ "The End of the Universe is very !o!ular$" said 9a!hod threading his way unsteadily through the throng of ta"les$ some made of mar"le$ some of rich ultra5mahagony$ some even of !latinum$ and at each a !arty of e.otic creatures chatting amongst themselves and studying menus+ "Peo!le like to dress u! for it$" continued 9a!hod$ "Gives it a sense of occasion+" The ta"les were fanned out in a large circle around a central stage area where a small "and were !laying light music$ at least a thousand ta"les was Arthur=s guess$ and inters!ersed amongst them were swaying !alms$ hissing fountains$ grotes-ue statuary$ in short all the !ara!hernalia common to all Restaurants where little e.!ense has "een s!ared to give the im!ression that no e.!ense has "een s!ared+ Arthur glanced around$ half e.!ecting to see someone making an American E.!ress commercial+

9a!hod lurched into ,ord$ who lurched "ack into 9a!hod+ "4owee$" said 9a!hod+ "9a!!o$" said ,ord+ "(y great granddaddy must have really screwed u! the com!uter=s works$ you know$" said 9a!hod$ " told it to take us to the nearest !lace to eat and it sends us to the End of the Universe+ Remind me to "e nice to it one day+" 'e !aused+ "'ey$ every"ody=s here you know+ Every"ody who was any"ody+" "4as>" said Arthur+ "At the End of the Universe you have to use the !ast tense a lot$" said 9a!hod$ "=cos everything=s "een done you know+ 'i$ guys$" he called out to a near"y !arty of giant iguana lifeforms$ "'ow did you do>" " s that 9a!hod &ee"le"ro.>" asked one iguana of another iguana+ " think so$" re!lied the second iguana+ "4ell doesn=t that 7ust take the "iscuit$" said the first iguana+ ",unny old thing$ life$" said the second iguana+ " t=s what you make of it$" said the first and they la!sed "ack into silence+ They were waiting for the greatest show in the Universe+ "'ey$ 9a!hod$" said ,ord$ gra""ing for his arm and$ on account of the third Pan Galactic Gargle &laster$ missing+ 'e !ointed a swaying finger+

"There=s an old mate of mine$" he said$ "'ot"lack Desiato@ )ee the man at the !latinum ta"le with the !latinum suit on>" 9a!hod tried to follow ,ord=s finger with his eyes "ut it made him feel di//y+ ,inally he saw+ "*h yeah$" he said$ then recognition came a moment later+ "'ey$" he said$ "did that guy ever make it mega"ig@ 4ow$ "igger than the "iggest thing ever+ *ther than me+" "4ho=s he su!!osed to "e>" asked Trillian+ "'ot"lack Desiato>" said 9a!hod in astonishment$ "you don=t know> Aou never heard of Disaster Area>" "?o$" said Trillian$ who hadn=t+ "The "iggest$" said ,ord$ "loudest +++" "Richest +++" suggested 9a!hod+ "+++ rock "and in the history of +++" he searched for the word+ "+++ history itself$" said 9a!hod+ "?o$" said Trillian+ "9owee$" said 9a!hod$ "here we are at the End of the Universe and you haven=t even lived yet+ Did you miss out+" 'e led her off to where the waiter had "een waiting all this time at the ta"le+ Arthur followed them feeling very lost and alone+ ,ord waded off through the throng to renew an old ac-uaintance+

"'ey$ er$ 'ot"lack$" he called out$ "how you doing> Great to see you "ig "oy$ how=s the noise> Aou=re looking great$ really very$ very fat and unwell+ Ama/ing+" 'e sla!!ed the man on the "ack and was mildly sur!rised that it seemed to elict no res!onse+ The Pan Galactic Gargle &lasters swirling round inside him told him to !lunge on regardless+ "Remem"er the old days>" he said$ "4e used to hang out$ right> The &istro llegal$ remem"er> )lim=s Throat Em!orium> The Evildrome &oo/arama$ great days eh>" 'ot"lack Desiato offered no o!inion as to whether they were great days or not+ ,ord was not !ertur"ed+ "And when we were hungry we=d !ose as !u"lic health ins!ectors$ you remem"er that> And go around confiscating meals and drinks right> Till we got food !oisoning+ *h$ and then there were the long nights of talking and drinking in those smelly rooms a"ove the 0afe %ou in Gretchen Town$ ?ew &etel$ and you were always in the ne.t room trying to write songs on your a7uitar and we all hated them+ And you said you didn=t care$ and we said we did "ecause we hated them so much+" ,ord=s eyes were "eginning to mist over+ "And you said you didn=t want to "e a star$" he continued$ wallowing in nostalgia$ ""ecause you des!ised the star system+ And we said$ 'adra and )uli7oo and me$ that we didn=t think you had the o!tion+ And what do you do now> Aou "uy star systems@" 'e turned and solicited the attention of those at near"y ta"les+ "'ere$" he said$ "is a man who "uys star systems@" 'ot"lack Desiato made no attem!t either to confirm or deny this fact$ and the attention of the tem!orary audience waned ra!idly+

" think someone=s drunk$" muttered a !ur!le "ush5like "eing into his wine glass+ ,ord staggered slightly$ and sat down heavily on the chair facing 'ot"lack Desiato+ "4hat=s that num"er you do>" he said$ unwisely gra""ing at a "ottle for su!!ort and ti!!ing it over 5 into a near"y glass as it ha!!ened+ ?ot to waste a ha!!y accident$ he drained the glass+ "That really huge num"er$" he continued$ "how does it go> D&warm@ &warm@ &aderr@@= something$ and in the stage act you do it ends u! with this shi! crashing right into the sun$ and you actually do it@" ,ord crashed his fist into his other hand to illustrate this feat gra!hically+ 'e knocked the "ottle over again+ ")hi!@ )un@ 4ham "ang@" he cried+ " mean forget lasers and stuff$ you guys are into solar flares and real sun"urn@ *h$ and terri"le songs+" 'is eyes followed the stream of li-uid glugging out of the "ottle on to the ta"le+ )omething ought to "e done a"out it$ he thought+ "'ey$ you want a drink>" he said+ t "egan to sink into his s-uelching mind that something was missing from this reunion$ and that the missing something was in some way connected with the fact that the fat man sitting o!!osite him in the !latinum suit and the silvery tril"y had not yet said "'i$ ,ord" or "Great to see you after all this time$" or in fact anything at all+ (ore to the !oint he had not yet even moved+ "'ot"lack>" said ,ord+

A large meaty hand landed on his shoulder from "ehind and !ushed him aside+ 'e slid gracelessly off his seat and !eered u!wards to see if he could s!ot the owner of this discourteous hand+ The owner was not hard to s!ot$ on account of his "eing something of the order of seven feet tall and not slightly "uilt with it+ n fact he was "uilt the way one "uilds leather sofas$ shiny$ lum!y and with lots of solid stuffing+ The suit into which the man=s "ody had "een stuffed looked as if it=s only !ur!ose in life was to demonstrate how difficult it was to get this sort of "ody into a suit+ The face had the te.ture of an orange and the colour of an a!!le$ "ut there the resem"lance to anything sweet ended+ "#id +++" said a voice which emerged from the man=s mouth as if it had "een having a really rough time down in his chest+ "Er$ yeah>" said ,ord conversationally+ 'e staggered "ack to his feet again and was disa!!ointed that the to! of his head didn=t come further u! the man=s "ody+ "&eat it$" said the man+ "*h yeah>" said ,ord$ wondering how wise he was "eing$ "and who are you>" The man considered this for a moment+ 'e wasn=t used to "eing asked this sort of -uestion+ ?evertheless$ after a while he came u! with an answer+ " =m the guy who=s telling you to "eat it$" he said$ ""efore you get it "eaten for you+" "?ow listen$" said ,ord nervously 5 he wished his head would sto! s!inning$ settle down and get to gri!s with the situation 5 "?ow

listen$" he continued$ " am one of 'ot"lack=s oldest friends and +++"

'e glanced at 'ot"lack Desiato$ who still hadn=t moved so much as an eyelash+ "+++ and +++" said ,ord again$ wondering what would "e a good word to say after "and"+ The large man came u! with a whole sentence to go after "and"+ 'e said it+ "And am (r Desiato=s "odyguard$" it went$ "and am res!onsi"le for his "ody$ and am not res!onsi"le for yours$ so take it away "efore it gets damaged+" "?ow wait a minute$" said ,ord+ "?o minutes@" "oomed the "odyguard$ "no waiting@ (r Desiato s!eaks to no one@" "4ell !erha!s you=d let him say what he thinks a"out the matter himself$" said ,ord+ "'e s!eaks to no one@" "ellowed the "odyguard+ ,ord glanced an.iously at 'ot"lack again and was forced to admit to himself that the "odyguard seemed to have the facts on his side+ There was still not the slightest sign of movement$ let alone keen interest in ,ord=s welfare+ "4hy>" said ,ord$ "4hat=s the matter with him>" The "odyguard told him+

0ha!ter 1H

The 'itch 'iker=s Guide to the Gala.y notes that Disaster Area$ a !lutonium rock "and from the Gagrakacka (ind 9ones$ are generally held to "e not only the loudest rock "and in the Gala.y$ "ut in fact the loudest noise of any kind at all+ Regular concert goers 7udge that the "est sound "alance is usually to "e heard from within large concrete "unkers some thirty5seven miles from the stage$ whilst the musicians themselves !lay their instruments "y remote control from within a heavily insulated s!aceshi! which stays in or"it around the !lanet 5 or more fre-uently around a com!letely different !lanet+ Their songs are on the whole very sim!le and mostly follow the familiar theme of "oy5"eing meets girl5"eing "eneath a silvery moon$ which then e.!lodes for no ade-uately e.!lored reason+ (any worlds have now "anned their act altogether$ sometimes for artistic reasons$ "ut most commonly "ecause the "and=s !u"lic address system contravenes local strategic arms limitations treaties+ This has not$ however$ sto!!ed their earnings from !ushing "ack the "oundaries of !ure hy!ermathematics$ and their chief research accountant has recently "een a!!ointed Professor of ?eomathematics at the University of (a.imegalon$ in recognition of "oth his General and his )!ecial Theories of Disaster Area Ta. Returns$ in which he !roves that the whole fa"ric of the s!ace5time continuum is not merely curved$ it is in fact totally "ent+

,ord staggered "ack to the ta"le where 9a!hod$ Arthur and Trillian were sitting waiting for the fun to "egin+ "Gotta have some food$" said ,ord+ "'i$ ,ord$" said 9a!hod$ "you s!eak to the "ig noise "oy>" ,ord waggled his head noncommittally+ "'ot"lack> sort of s!oke to him$ yeah+" "4hat=d he say>" "4ell$ not a lot really+ 'e=s +++ er +++" "Aeah>" "'e=s s!ending a year dead for ta. reasons+ =ve got to sit down+" 'e sat down+ The waiter a!!roached+ "4ould you like to see the menu>" he said$ "or would you like to meet the Dish of the Day>" "'uh>" said ,ord+ "'uh>" said Arthur+ "'uh>" said Trillian+ "That=s cool$" said 9a!hod$ "we=ll meet the meat+" n a small room in one of the arms of the Restaurant com!le. a tall$ thin$ gangling figure !ulled aside a curtain and o"livion looked him in the face+

t was not a !retty face$ !erha!s "ecause o"livion had looked him in it so many times+ t was too long for a start$ the eyes too sunken and too hooded$ the cheeks too hollow$ his li!s were too thin and too long$ and when they !arted his teeth looked too much like a recently !olished "ay window+ The hands that held the curtain were long and thin too2 they were also cold+ They lay lightly along the folds of the curtain and gave the im!ression that if he didn=t watch them like a hawk they would crawl away of their own accord and do something uns!eaka"le in a corner+ 'e let the curtain dro! and the terri"le light that had !layed on his features went off to !lay somewhere more healthy+ 'e !rowled around his small cham"er like a mantis contem!lating an evening=s !reying$ finally settling on a rickety chair "y a trestle ta"le$ where he leafed through a few sheets of 7okes+ A "ell rang+ 'e !ushed the thin sheaf of !a!ers aside and stood u!+ 'is hands "rushed lim!ly over some of the one million rain"ow5coloured se-uins with which his 7acket was festooned$ and he was gone through the door+ n the Restaurant the lights dimmed$ the "and -uickened its !ace$ a single s!otlight sta""ed down into the darkness of the stairway that led u! to the centre of the stage+ U! the stairs "ounded "ounded a tall "rilliantly coloured figure+ 'e "urst on to the stage$ tri!!ed lightly u! to the micro!hone$ removed it from its stand with one swoo! of his long thin hand and stood for a moment "owing left and right to the audience acknowledging their a!!lause and dis!laying to them his "ay window+ 'e waved to his !articular friends in the audience even though there weren=t any there$ and waited for the a!!lause to die down+

'e held u! his hand and smiled a smile that stretched not merely from ear to ear$ "ut seemed to e.tend some way "eyond the mere confines of his face+ "Thank you ladies and gentlemen@" he cried$ "thank you very much+ Thank you so much+" 'e eyed them with a twinkling eye+ "%adies and gentlemen$" he said$ "The Universe as we know it has now "een in e.istence for over one hundred and seventy thousand million "illion years and will "e ending in a little over half an hour+ )o$ welcome one and all to (illiways$ the Restaurant at the End of the Universe@" 4ith a gesture he deftly con7ured another round of s!ontaneous a!!lause+ 4ith another gesture he cut it+ " am your host for tonight$" he said$ "my name is (a. 6uordle!leen +++" ;Every"ody knew this$ his act was famous throughout the known Gala.y$ "ut he said it for the fresh a!!lause it generated$ which he acknowledged with a disclaiming smile and wave+< "+++ and =ve 7ust come straight from the very very other end of time$ where =ve "een hosting a show at the &ig &ang &urger &ar 5 where can tell you we had a very e.citing evening ladies and gentlemen 5 and will "e with you right through this historic occasion$ the End of 'istory itself@" Another "urst of a!!lause died away -uickly as the lights dimmed down further+ *n every ta"le candles ignited themselves s!ontaneously$ eliciting a slight gas! from all the diners and wreathing them in a thousand tiny flickering lights and a million intimate shadows+ A tremor of e.citement thrilled through the darkened Restaurant as the vast golden dome a"ove them "egan very very slowly to dim$ to darken$ to fade+

(a.=s voice was hushed as he continued+ ")o$ ladies and gentlemen$" he "reathed$ "the candles are lit$ the "and !lays softly$ and as the force5shielded dome a"ove us fades into trans!arency$ revealing a dark and sullen sky hung heavy with the ancient light of livid swollen stars$ can see we=re all in for a fa"ulous evening=s a!ocaly!se@" Even the soft tootling of the "and faded away as stunned shock descended on all those who had not seen this sight "efore+ A monstrous$ grisly light !oured in on them$ 5 a hideous light$ 5 a "oiling$ !estilential light$ 5 a light that would have disfigured hell+

The Universe was coming to an end+ ,or a few intermina"le seconds the Restaurant s!an silently through the raging void+ Then (a. s!oke again+ ",or those of you who ever ho!ed to see the light at the end of the tunnel$" he said$ "this is it+" The "and struck u! again+ "Thank you$ ladies and gentlemen$" cried (a.$ " =ll "e "ack with you again in 7ust a moment$ and meanwhile leave you in the very ca!a"le hands of (r Reg ?ullify and his cataclysmic 0om"o+ &ig hand !lease ladies and gentlemen for Reg and the "oys@" The "aleful turmoil of the skies continued+

'esitantly the audience "egan to cla! and after a moment or so normal conversation resumed+ (a. "egan his round of the ta"les$ swa!!ing 7okes$ shouting with laughter$ earning his living+ A large dairy animal a!!roached 9a!hod &ee"le"ro.=s ta"le$ a large fat meaty -uadru!ed of the "ovine ty!e with large watery eyes$ small horns and what might almost have "een an ingratiating smile on its li!s+ "Good evening$" it lowed and sat "ack heavily on its haunches$ " am the main Dish of the Day+ (ay interest you in !arts of my "ody>" t harrum!hed and gurgled a "it$ wriggled its hind -uarters into a more comforta"le !osition and ga/ed !eacefully at them+ ts ga/e was met "y looks of startled "ewilderment from Arthur and Trillian$ a resigned shrug from ,ord Prefect and naked hunger from 9a!hod &ee"le"ro.+ ")omething off the shoulder !erha!s>" suggested the animal$ "&raised in a white wine sauce>" "Er$ your shoulder>" said Arthur in a horrified whis!er+ "&ut naturally my shoulder$ sir$" mooed the animal contentedly$ "no"ody else=s is mine to offer+" 9a!hod lea!t to his feet and started !rodding and feeling the animal=s shoulder a!!reciatively+ "*r the rum! is very good$" murmured the animal+ " =ve "een e.ercising it and eating !lenty of grain$ so there=s a lot of good meat there+" t gave a mellow grunt$ gurgled again and started to chew the cud+ t swallowed the cud again+ "*r a casserole of me !erha!s>" it added+

"Aou mean this animal actually wants us to eat it>" whis!ered Trillian to ,ord+ "(e>" said ,ord$ with a gla/ed look in his eyes$ " don=t mean anything+" "That=s a"solutely horri"le$" e.claimed Arthur$ "the most revolting thing =ve ever heard+" "4hat=s the !ro"lem Earthman>" said 9a!hod$ now transferring his attention to the animal=s enormous rum!+ " 7ust don=t want to eat an animal that=s standing here inviting me to$" said Arthur$ "it=s heartless+" "&etter than eating an animal that doesn=t want to "e eaten$" said 9a!hod+ "That=s not the !oint$" Arthur !rotested+ Then he thought a"out it for a moment+ "Alright$" he said$ "may"e it is the !oint+ don=t care$ =m not going to think a"out it now+ =ll 7ust +++ er +++"

The Universe raged a"out him in its death throes+ " think =ll 7ust have a green salad$" he muttered+ "(ay urge you to consider my liver>" asked the animal$ "it must "e very rich and tender "y now$ =ve "een force5 feeding myself for months+" "A green salad$" said Arthur em!hatically+ "A green salad>" said the animal$ rolling his eyes disa!!rovingly at Arthur+

"Are you going to tell me$" said Arthur$ "that green salad>"

shouldn=t have

"4ell$" said the animal$ " know many vegeta"les that are very clear on that !oint+ 4hich is why it was eventually decided to cut through the whole tangled !ro"lem and "reed an animal that actually wanted to "e eaten and was ca!a"le of saying so clearly and distinctly+ And here am+" t managed a very slight "ow+ "Glass of water !lease$" said Arthur+ "%ook$" said 9a!hod$ "we want to eat$ we don=t want to make a meal of the issues+ ,our rare steaks !lease$ and hurry+ 4e haven=t eaten in five hundred and seventy5si. thousand million years+" The animal staggered to its feet+ t gave a mellow gurgle+ "A very wise choice$ sir$ if may say so+ 3ery good$" it said$ " =ll 7ust ni! off and shoot myself+" 'e turned and gave a friendly wink to Arthur+ "Don=t worry$ sir$" he said$ " =ll "e very humane+" t waddled unhurriedly off into the kitchen+ A matter of minutes later the waiter arrived with four huge steaming steaks+ 9a!hod and ,ord wolfed straight into them without a second=s hesitation+ Trillian !aused$ then shrugged and started into hers+ Arthur stared at his feeling slightly ill+ "'ey$ Earthman$" said 9a!hod with a malicious grin on the face that wasn=t stuffing itself$ "what=s eating you>" And the "and !layed on+

All around the Restaurant !eo!le and things rela.ed and chatted+ The air was filled with talk of this and that$ and with the mingled scents of e.otic !lants$ e.travagant foods and insidious wines+ ,or an infinite num"er of miles in every direction the universal cataclysm was gathering to a stu!efying clima.+ Glancing at his watch$ (a. returned to the stage with a flourish+ "And now$ ladies and gentlemen$" he "eamed$ "is everyone having one last wonderful time>" "Aes$" called out the sort of !eo!le who call out "yes" when comedians ask them if they=re having a wonderful time+ "That=s wonderful$" enthused (a.$ "a"solutely wonderful+ And as the !hoton storms gather in swirling crowds around us$ !re!aring to tear a!art the last of the red hot suns$ know you=re all going to settle "ack and en7oy with me what know we will find all an immensely e.citing and terminal e.!erience+" 'e !aused+ 'e caught the audience with a glittering eye+ "&elieve me$ ladies and gentlemen$" he said$ "there=s nothing !enultimate a"out this one+" 'e !aused again+ Tonight his timing was immaculate+ Time after time he had done this show$ night after night+ ?ot that the word night had any meaning here at the e.tremity of time+ All there was was the endless re!etition of the final moment$ as the Restaurant rocked slowly forward over the "rink of time=s furthest edge 5 and "ack again+ This "night" was good though$ the audience was writhing in the !alm of his sickly hand+ 'is voice dro!!ed+ They had to strain to hear him+

"This$" he said$ "really is the a"solute end$ the final chilling desolation$ in which the whole ma7estic swee! of creation "ecomes e.tinct+ This ladies and gentlemen is the !rover"ial Dit=+" 'e dro!!ed his voice still lower+ n the stillness$ a fly would not have dared cleat its throat+ "After this$" he said$ "there is nothing+ 3oid+ Em!tiness+ *"livion+ A"solute nothing +++" 'is eyes glittered again 5 or did they twinkle>" "?othing +++ e.ce!t of course for the sweet trolley$ and a fine selection of Alde"aran li-ueurs@" The "and gave him a musical sting+ 'e wished they wouldn=t$ he didn=t need it$ not an artist of his cali"re+ 'e could !lay the audience like his own musical instrument+ They were laughing with relief+ 'e followed on+ "And for once$" he cried cheerily$ "you don=t need to worry a"out having a hangover in the morning 5 "ecause there won=t "e any more mornings@" 'e "eamed at his ha!!y$ laughing audience+ 'e glanced u! at the sky$ going through the same dead routine every night$ "ut his glance was only for a fraction of a second+ 'e trusted it to do its 7o"$ as one !rofessional trusts another+ "And now$" he said$ strutting a"out the stage$ "at the risk of !utting a dam!er on the wonderful sense of doom and futility here this evening$ would like to welcome a few !arties+" 'e !ulled a card from his !ocket+

"Do we have +++" he !ut u! a hand to hold "ack the cheers$ "Do we have a !arty here from the 9ansell-uasure ,lamarion &ridge 0lu" from "eyond the 3ortvoid of 6varne> Are they here>" A rousing cheer came from the "ack$ "ut he !retended not to hear+ 'e !eered around trying to find them+ "Are they here>" he asked again$ to elict a louder cheer+ 'e got it$ as he always did+ "Ah$ there they are+ 4ell$ last "ids lads 5 and no cheating$ remem"er this is a very solemn moment+" 'e la!!ed u! the laughter+ "And do we also have$ do we have +++ a !arty of minor deities from the 'alls of Asgard>" Away to his right came a rum"le of thunder+ %ightning arced across the stage+ A small grou! of hairy men with helmets sat looking very !leased with themselves$ and raised their glasses to him+ 'as"eens$ he thought to himself+ "0areful with that hammer$ sir$" he said+ They did their trick with the lightning again+ (a. gave them a very thin li!!ed smile+ "And thirdly$" he said$ "thirdly a !arty of Aoung 0onservatives from )irius &$ are they here>" A !arty of smartly dressed young dogs sto!!ed throwing rolls at each other and started throwing rolls at the stage+ They ya!!ed and "arked unintelligi"ly+

"Aes$" said (a.$ "well this is all your fault$ you reali/e that>" "And finally$" said (a.$ -uieting the audience down and !utting on his solemn face$ "finally "elieve we have with us here tonight$ a !arty of "elievers$ very devout "elievers$ from the 0hurch of the )econd 0oming of the Great Pro!het 9ar-uon+" There were a"out twenty of them$ sitting right out on the edge of the floor$ ascetically dressed$ si!!ing mineral water nervously$ and staying a!art from the festivities+ They "linked resentfully as the s!otlight was turned on them+ "There they are$" said (a.$ "sitting there$ !atiently+ 'e said he=d come again$ and he=s ke!t you waiting a long time$ so let=s ho!e he=s hurrying fellas$ "ecause he=s only got eight minutes left@" The !arty of 9ar-uon=s followers sat rigid$ refusing to "e "uffeted "y the waves of uncharita"le laughter which swe!t over them+ (a. restrained his audience+ "?o$ "ut seriously though folks$ seriously though$ no offence meant+ ?o$ know we shouldn=t make fun of dee!ly held "eliefs$ so think a "ig hand !lease for the Great Pro!het 9ar-uon +++" The audience cla!!ed res!ectfully+ "+++ wherever he=s got to@" 'e "lew a kiss to the stony5faced !arty and returned to the centre of the stage+ 'e gra""ed a tall stool and sat on it+

" t=s marvellous though$" he rattled on$ "to see so many of you here tonight 5 no isn=t it though> Aes$ a"solutely marvellous+ &ecause know that so many of you come here time and time again$ which think is really wonderful$ to come and watch this final end of everything$ and then return home to your own eras +++ and raise families$ strive for new and "etter societies$ fight terri"le wars for what you know to "e right +++ it really gives one ho!e for the future of all lifekind+ E.ce!t of course$" he waved at the "lit/ing turmoil a"ove and around them$ "that we know it hasn=t got one +++" Arthur turned to ,ord 5 he hadn=t -uite got this !lace worked out in his mind+ "%ook$ surely$" he said$ "if the Universe is a"out to end +++ don=t we go with it>" ,ord gave him a three5Pan5Galactic5Gargle5&laster look$ in other words a rather unsteady one+ "?o$" he said$ "look$" he said$ "as soon as you come into this dive you get held in this sort of ama/ing force5shielded tem!oral war! thing+ think+" "*h$" said Arthur+ 'e turned his attention "ack to a "owl of sou! he=d managed to get from the waiter to re!lace his steak+ "%ook$" said ,ord$ " =ll show you+" 'e gra""ed at a na!kin off the ta"le and fum"led ho!elessly with it+ "%ook$" he said again$ "imagine this na!kin$ right$ as the tem!oral Universe$ right> And this s!oon as a transductional mode in the matter curve +++" t took him a while to say this last !art$ and Arthur hated to interru!t him+

"That=s the s!oon was eating with$" he said+ "Alright$" said ,ord$ "imagine this s!oon +++" he found a small wooden s!oon on a tray of relishes$ "this s!oon +++" "ut found it rather tricky to !ick u!$ "no$ "etter still this fork +++" "'ey would you let go of my fork>" sna!!ed 9a!hod+ "Alright$" said ,ord$ "alright$ alright+ 4hy don=t we say +++ why don=t we say that this wine glass is the tem!oral Universe +++" "4hat$ the one you=ve 7ust knocked on the floor>" "Did do that>" "Aes+" "Alright$" said ,ord$ "forget that+ mean +++ mean$ look$ do you know 5 do you know how the Universe actually "egan for a kick off>" "Pro"a"ly not$" said Arthur$ who wished he=d never em"arked on any of this+ "Alright$" said ,ord$ "imagine this+ Right+ Aou get this "ath+ Right+ A large round "ath+ And it=s made of e"ony+" "4here from>" said Arthur$ "'arrods was destroyed "y the 3ogons+" "Doesn=t matter+" ")o you kee! saying+" "%isten+" "Alright+"

"Aou get this "ath$ see> magine you=ve got this "ath+ And it=s e"ony+ And it=s conical+" "0onical>" said Arthur$ "4hat sort of +++" ")hhh@" said ,ord+ " t=s conical+ )o what you do is$ you see$ you fill it with fine white sand$ alright> *r sugar+ ,ine white sand$ andMor sugar+ Anything+ Doesn=t matter+ )ugar=s fine+ And when it=s full$ you !ull the !lug out +++ are you listening>" " =m listening+" "Aou !ull the !lug out$ and it all 7ust twirls away$ twirls away you see$ out of the !lughole+" " see+" "Aou don=t see+ Aou don=t see at all+ haven=t got to the clever "it yet+ Aou want to hear the clever "it>" "Tell me the clever "it+" " =ll tell you the clever "it+" ,ord thought for a moment$ trying to remem"er what the clever "it was+ "The clever "it$" he said$ "is this+ Aou film it ha!!ening+" "0lever+" "That=s not the clever "it+ This is the clever "it$ remem"er now that this is the clever "it+ The clever "it is that you then thread the film in the !ro7ector +++ "ackwards@" "&ackwards>"

"Aes+ Threading it "ackwards is definitely the clever "it+ )o then$ you 7ust sit and watch it$ and everything 7ust a!!ears to s!iral u!wards out of the !lughole and fill the "ath+ )ee>" "And that=s how the Universe "egan is it>" said Arthur+ "?o$" said ,ord$ ""ut it=s a marvellous way to rela.+" 'e reached for his wine glass+ "4here=s my wine glass>" he said+ " t=s on the floor+" "Ah+" Ti!!ing "ack his chair to look for it$ ,ord collided with the small green waiter who was a!!roaching the ta"le carrying a !orta"le tele!hone+ ,ord e.cused himself to the waiter e.!laining that it was "ecause he was e.tremely drunk+ The waiter said that that was -uite alright and that he !erfectly understood+ ,ord thanked the waiter for his kind indulgence$ attem!ted to tug his forelock$ missed "y si. inches and slid under the ta"le+ "(r 9a!hod &ee"le"ro.>" in-uired the waiter+ "Er$ yeah>" said 9a!hod$ glancing u! from his third steak+ "There is a !hone call for you+" "'ey$ what>" "A !hone call$ sir+"

",or me> 'ere> 'ey$ "ut who knows where am>" *ne of his minds raced+ The other dawdled lovingly over the food it was still shovelling in+ "E.cuse me if carry on$ won=t you>" said his eating head and carried on+ There were now so many !eo!le after him he=d lost count+ 'e shouldn=t have made such a cons!icuous entrance+ 'ell$ why not though$ he thought+ 'ow do you know you=re having fun if there=s no one watching you have it> "(ay"e someone here ti!!ed off the Galactic Police$" said Trillian+ "Everyone saw you come in+" "Aou mean they want to arrest me over the !hone>" said 9a!hod$ "0ould "e+ =m a !retty dangerous dude when =m concerned+" "Aeah$" said a voice from under the ta"le$ "you go to !ieces so fast !eo!le get hit "y the shra!nel+" "'ey$ what is this$ Judgment Day>" sna!!ed 9a!hod+ "Do we get to see that as well>" asked Arthur nervously+ " =m in no hurry$" muttered 9a!hod$ "*#$ so who=s the cat on the !hone>" 'e kicked ,ord+ "'ey get u! there$ kid$" he said to him$ " may need you+" " am not$" said the waiter$ "!ersonally ac-uainted with the metal gentlemen in -uestion$ sir +++" "(etal>" "Aes$ sir+" "Did you say metal>"

"Aes$ sir+ said that am not !ersonally ac-uainted with the metal gentleman in -uestion +++" "*#$ carry on+" "&ut am informed that he has "een awaiting your return for a considera"le num"er of millennia+ t seems you left here somewhat !reci!itately+" "%eft here>" said 9a!hod$ "are you "eing strange> 4e only 7ust arrived here+" " ndeed$ sir$" !ersisted the waiter doggedly$ ""ut "efore you arrived here$ sir$ understand that you left here+" 9a!hod tried this in one "rain$ then in the other+ "Aou=re saying$" he said$ "that "efore we arrived here$ we left here>" This is going to "e a long night$ thought the waiter+ "Precisely$ sir$" he said+ "Put your analyst on danger money$ "a"y$" advised 9a!hod+ "?o$ wait a minute$" said ,ord$ emerging a"ove ta"le level again$ "where e.actly is here>" "To "e a"solutely e.act sir$ it is ,rogstar 4orld &+" "&ut we 7ust left there$" !rotested 9a!hod$ "we left there and came to the Restaurant at the End of the Universe+" "Aes$ sir$" said the waiter$ feeling that he was now into the home stretch and running well$ "the one was constructed on the ruins of the other+" "*h$" said Arthur "rightly$ "you mean we=ve travelled in time "ut not in s!ace+"

"%isten you semi5evolved simian$" cut in 9a!hod$ "go clim" a tree will you>" Arthur "ristled+ "Go "ang your heads together four5eyes$" he advised 9a!hod+ "?o$ no$" the waiter said to 9a!hod$ "your monkey has got it right$ sir+" Arthur stuttered in fury and said nothing a!!osite$ or indeed coherent+ "Aou 7um!ed forward +++ "elieve five hundred and seventy5 si. thousand million years whilst staying in e.actly the same !lace$" e.!lained the waiter+ 'e smiled+ 'e had a wonderful feeling that he had finally won through against what had seemed to "e insu!era"le odds+ "That=s it@" said 9a!hod$ " got it+ told the com!uter to send us to the nearest !lace to eat$ that=s e.actly what it did+ Give or take five hundred and seventy5si. thousand million years$ we never moved+ ?eat+" They all agreed this was very neat+ "&ut who$" said 9a!hod$ "is the cat on the !hone>" "4hatever ha!!ened to (arvin>" said Trillian+ 9a!hod cla!!ed his hands to his heads+ "The Paranoid Android@ left him mo!ing a"out on ,rogstar &+" "4hen was this>" "4ell$ er$ five hundred and seventy5si. thousand million years ago su!!ose$" said 9a!hod$ "'ey$ er$ hand me the ra!5rod$ Plate 0a!tain+"

The little waiter=s eye"rows wandered a"out his forehead in confusion+ " "eg your !ardon$ sir>" he said+ "The !hone$ waiter$" said 9a!hod$ gra""ing it off him+ ")hee$ you guys are so unhi! it=s a wonder your "ums don=t fall off+" " ndeed$ sir+" "'ey$ (arvin$ is that you>" said 9a!hod into the !hone$ "'ow you doing$ kid>" There was a long !ause "efore a thin low voice came u! the line+ " think you ought to know =m feeling very de!ressed$" it said+ 9a!hod cu!!ed his hands over the !hone+ " t=s (arvin$" he said+ "'ey$ (arvin$" he said into the !hone again$ "we=re having a great time+ ,ood$ wine$ a little !ersonal a"use and the Universe going foom+ 4here can we find you>" Again the !ause+ "Aou don=t have to !retend to "e interested in me you know$" said (arvin at last$ " know !erfectly well =m only a menial ro"ot+" "*#$ *#$" said 9a!hod$ ""ut where are you>" "DReverse !rimary thrust$ (arvin$= that=s what they say to me$ Do!en airlock num"er three$ (arvin+ (arvin$ can you !ick u! that !iece of !a!er>= 0an !ick u! that !iece of !a!er@ 'ere am$ "rain the si/e of a !lanet and they ask me to +++" "Aeah$ yeah$" sym!athi/ed 9a!hod hardly at all+

"&ut =m -uite used to "eing humiliated$" droned (arvin$ " can even go and stick my head in a "ucket of water if you like+ 4ould you like me to go and stick my head in a "ucket of water> =ve got one ready+ 4ait a minute+" "Er$ hey$ (arvin +++" interru!ted 9a!hod$ "ut it was too late+ )ad little clunks and gurgles came u! the line+ "4hat=s he saying>" asked Trillian+ "?othing$" said 9a!hod$ "he 7ust !honed u! to wash his head at us+" "There$" said (arvin$ coming "ack on the line and "u""ling a "it$ " ho!e that gave satisfaction +++" "Aeah$ yeah$" said 9a!hod$ "now will you !lease tell us where you are>" " =m in the car !ark$" said (arvin+ "The car !ark>" said 9a!hod$ "what are you doing there>" "Parking cars$ what else does one do in a car !ark>" "*#$ hang in there$ we=ll "e right down+" n one movement 9a!hod lea!t to his feet$ threw down the !hone and wrote "'ot"lack Desiato" on the "ill+ "0ome on guys$" he said$ "(arvin=s in the car !ark+ %et=s get on down+" "4hat=s he doing in the car !ark>" asked Arthur+ "Parking cars$ what else> Dum dum+" "&ut what a"out the End of the Universe> 4e=ll miss the "ig moment+"

" =ve seen it+ t=s ru""ish$" said 9a!hod$ "nothing "ut a gna" gi"+" "A what>" "*!!osite of a "ig "ang+ 0ome on$ let=s get /a!!y+" ,ew of the other diners !aid them any attention as they weaved their way through the Restaurant to the e.it+ Their eyes were riveted on the horror of the skies+ "An interesting effect to watch for$" (a. was telling them$ "is in the u!!er left5hand -uadrant of the sky$ where if you look very carefully you can see the star system 'astromil "oiling away into the ultra5violet+ Anyone here from 'astromil>" There were one or two slightly hesitant cheers from somewhere at the "ack+ "4ell$" said (a. "eaming cheerfully at them$ "it=s too late to worry a"out whether you left the gas on now+"

0ha!ter 1K

The main rece!tion foyer was almost em!ty "ut ,ord nevertheless weaved his way through it+ 9a!hod gras!ed him firmly "y the arm and manoeuvred him into a cu"icle standing to one side of the entrance hall+ "4hat are you doing to him>" asked Arthur+

")o"ering him u!$" said 9a!hod and !ushed a coin into a slot+ %ights flashed$ gases swirled+ "'i$" said ,ord ste!!ing out a moment later$ "where are we going>" "Down to the car !ark$ come on+" "4hat a"out the !ersonnel Time Tele!orts>" said ,ord$ "Get us straight "ack to the 'eart of Gold+" "Aeah$ "ut =ve cooled on that shi!+ 9arniwoo! can have it+ don=t want to !lay his games+ %et=s see what we can find+" A )irius 0y"ernetics 0or!oration 'a!!y 3ertical Peo!le Trans!orter took them down dee! into the su"strata "eneath the Restaurant+ They were glad to see it had "een vandali/ed and didn=t try to make them ha!!y as well as take them down+ At the "ottom of the shaft the lift doors o!ened and a "last of cold stale air hit them+ The first thing they saw on leaving the lift was a long concrete wall with over fifty doors in it offering lavatory facilities for all of fifty ma7or lifeforms+ ?evertheless$ like every car !ark in the Gala.y throughout the entire history of car !arks$ this car !ark smelt !redominantly of im!atience+ They turned a corner and found themselves on a moving catwalk that traversed a vast cavernous s!ace that stretched off into the dim distance+ t was divided off into "ays each of which contained a s!ace shi! "elonging to one of the diners u!stairs$ some smallish and utilitarian mass !roduction models$ others vast shining limoshi!s$ the !laythings of the very rich+

9a!hod=s eyes s!arkled with something that may or may not have "een avarice as he !assed over them+ n fact it=s "est to "e clear on this !oint 5 avarice is definitely what it was+ "There he is$" said Trillian$ "(arvin$ down there+" They looked where she was !ointing+ Dimly they could see a small metal figure listlessly ru""ing a small rag on one remote corner of a giant silver suncruiser+ At short intervals along the moving catwalk$ wide trans!arent tu"es led down to floor level+ 9a!hod ste!!ed off the catwalk into one and floated gently downwards+ The others followed+ Thinking "ack to this later$ Arthur Dent thought it was the single most en7oya"le e.!erience of his travels in the Gala.y+ "'ey$ (arvin$" said 9a!hod striding over towards to him$ "'ey$ kid$ are we !leased to see you+" (arvin turned$ and in so far as it is !ossi"le for a totally inert metal face to look re!roachfully$ this is what it did+ "?o you=re not$" he said$ "no one ever is+" ")uit yourself$" said 9a!hod and turned away to ogle the shi!s+ ,ord went with him+ *nly Trillian and Arthur actually went u! to (arvin+ "?o$ really we are$" said Trillian and !atted him in a way that he disliked intensely$ "hanging around waiting for us all this time+" ",ive hundred and seventy5si. thousand million$ three thousand five hundred and seventy5nine years$" said (arvin$ " counted them+"

"4ell$ here we are now$" said Trillian$ felling 5 -uite correctly in (arvin=s view 5 that it was a slightly foolish thing to say+ "The first ten million years were the worst$" said (arvin$ "and the second ten million years$ they were the worst too+ The third million years didn=t en7oy at all+ After that went into a "it of decline+" 'e !aused 7ust long enough to make them feel they ought to say something$ and then interru!ted+ " t=s the !eo!le you meet in this 7o" that really get you down$" he said and !aused again+ Trillian cleared her throat+ " s that +++" "The "est conversation had was over forty million years ago$" continued (arvin+ Again the !ause+ "*h d +++" "And that was with a coffee machine+" 'e waited+ "That=s a +++" "Aou don=t like talking to me do you>" said (arvin in a low desolate tone+ Trillian talked to Arthur instead+ ,urther down the cham"er ,ord Prefect had found something of which he very much liked the look$ several such things in fact+

"9a!hod$" he said in a -uiet voice$ "7ust look at some of these little star trolleys +++" 9a!hod looked and liked+ The craft they were looking at was in fact !retty small "ut e.traordinary$ and very much a rich kid=s toy+ t was not much to look at+ t resem"led nothing so much as a !a!er dart a"out twenty feet long made of thin "ut tough metal foil+ At the rear end was a small hori/ontal two5man cock!it+ t had a tiny charm5drive engine$ which was not ca!a"le of moving it at any great s!eed+ The thing it did have$ however$ was a heat5sink+ The heat5sink had a mass of some two thousand "illion tons and was contained within a "lack hole mounted in an electromagnetic field situated half5way along the length of the shi!$ and this heat5sink ena"led the craft to "e manoeuvred to within a few miles of a yellow sun$ there to catch and ride the solar flares that "urst out from its surface+ ,lare5riding is one of the most e.otic and e.hilarating s!orts in e.istence$ and those who can dare and afford it are amongst the most lioni/ed men in the Gala.y+ t is also of course stu!efyingly dangerous 5 those who don=t die riding invaria"ly die of se.ual e.haustion at one of the Daedalus 0lu"=s A!res5,lare !arties+ ,ord and 9a!hod looked and !assed on+ "And this "a"y$" said ,ord$ "the tangerine star "uggy with the "lack sun"usters +++" Again$ the star "uggy was a small shi! 5 a totally misnamed one in fact$ "ecause the one thing it couldn=t manage was interstellar distances+ &asically it was a s!orty !lanet ho!!er dolled u! to something it wasn=t+ ?ice lines though+ They !assed on+

The ne.t one was a "ig one and thirty yards long 5 a coach "uilt limoshi! and o"viously designed with one aim in mind$ that of making the "eholder sick with envy+ The !aintwork and accessory detail clearly said "?ot only am rich enough to afford this shi!$ am also rich enough not to take it seriously+" t was wonderfully hideous+ "Just look at it$" said 9a!hod$ "multi5cluster -uark drive$ !ers!ule. running "oards+ Got to "e a %a/lar %yricon custom 7o"+" 'e e.amined every inch+ "Aes$" he said$ "look$ the infra5!ink li/ard em"lem on the neutrino cowling+ %a/lar=s trade mark+ The man has no shame+" " was !assed "y one of these mothers once$ out "y the A.el ?e"ula$" said ,ord$ " was going flat out and this thing 7ust strolled !ast me$ star drive hardly ticking over+ Just incredi"le+" 9a!hod whistled a!!reciatively+ "Ten seconds later"$ said ,ord$ "it smashed straight into the third moon of Jaglan &eta+" "Aeah$ right>" "Ama/ing looking shi! though+ %ooks like a fish$ moves like a fish$ steers like a cow+" ,ord looked round the other side+ "'ey$ come and see$" he called out$ "there=s a "ig mural !ainted on this side+ A "ursting sun 5 Disaster Area=s trade mark+ This must "e 'ot"lack=s shi!+ %ucky old "ugger+ They do this terri"le song you know which ends with a stuntshi! crashing into the sun+ (eant to "e an ama/ing s!ectacle+ E.!ensive in stunt shi!s though+"

9a!hod=s attention however was elsewhere+ 'is attention was riveted on the shi! standing ne.t to 'ot"lack Desiato=s limo+ 'is mouths hung o!en+ "That$" he said$ "that +++ is really "ad for the eyes +++" ,ord looked+ 'e too stood astonished+ t was a shi! of classic$ sim!le design$ like a flattened salmon$ twenty yards long$ very clean$ very sleek+ There was 7ust one remarka"le thing a"out it+ " t=s so +++ "lack@" said ,ord Prefect$ "you can hardly make out its sha!e +++ light 7ust seems to fall into it@" 9a!hod said nothing+ 'e had sim!ly fallen in love+ The "lackness of it was so e.treme that it was almost im!ossi"le to tell how close you were standing to it+ "Aour eyes 7ust slide off it +++" said ,ord in wonder+ t was an emotional moment+ 'e "it his li!+ 9a!hod moved forward to it$ slowly$ like a man !ossessed 5 or more accurately like a man who wanted to !ossess+ 'is hand reached out to stroke it+ 'is hand sto!!ed+ 'is hand reached out to stroke it again+ 'is hand sto!!ed again+ "0ome and feel the surface$" he said in a hushed voice+ ,ord !ut his hand out to feel it+ 'is hand sto!!ed+ "Aou +++ you can=t +++" he said+ ")ee>" said 9a!hod$ "it=s 7ust totally frictionless+ This must "e one mother of a mover +++" 'e turned to look at ,ord seriously+ At least$ one of his heads did 5 the other stayed ga/ing in awe at the shi!+

"4hat do you reckon$ ,ord>" he said+ "Aou mean +++ er +++" ,ord looked over his shoulder+ "Aou mean stroll off with it> Aou think we should>" "?o+" "?or do +" "&ut we=re going to$ aren=t we>" "'ow can we not>" They ga/ed a little longer$ till 9a!hod suddenly !ulled himself together+ "4e "etter shift soon$" he said+ " n a moment or so the Universe will have ended and all the 0a!tain 0ree!s will "e !ouring down here to find their "ourge5mo"iles+" "9a!hod$" said ,ord+ "Aeah>" "'ow do we do it>" ")im!le$" said 9a!hod+ 'e turned+ "(arvin@" he called+ )lowly$ la"oriously$ and with a million little clanking and creaking noises that he had learned to simulate$ (arvin turned round to answer the summons+ "0ome on over here$" said 9a!hod$ "4e=ve got a 7o" for you+" (arvin trudged towards them+ " won=t en7oy it$" he said+ "Aes you will$" enthused 9a!hod$ "there=s a whole new life stretching out ahead of you+"

"*h$ not another one$" groaned (arvin+ "4ill you shut u! and listen@" hissed 9a!hod$ "this time there=s going to "e e.citement and adventure and really wild things+" ")ounds awful$" (arvin said+ "(arvin@ All =m trying to ask you +++" " su!!ose you want me to o!en this s!aceshi! for you>" "4hat> Er +++ yes+ Aeah$ that=s right$" said 9a!hod 7um!ily+ 'e was kee!ing at least three eyes on the entrance+ Time was short+ "4ell wish you=d 7ust tell me rather than try to engage my enthusiasm$" said (arvin$ ""ecause haven=t got one+" 'e walked on u! to the shi!$ touched it$ and a hatchway swung o!en+ ,ord and 9a!hod stared at the o!ening+ "Don=t mention it$" said (arvin$ "*h$ you didn=t+" 'e trudged away again+ Arthur and Trillian clustered round+ "4hat=s ha!!ening>" asked Arthur+ "%ook at this$" said ,ord$ "look at the interior of this shi!+" "4eirder and weirder$" "reathed 9a!hod+ " t=s "lack$" said ,ord$ "Everything in it is 7ust totally "lack +++"

n the Restaurant$ things were fast a!!roaching the moment after which there wouldn=t "e any more moments+ All eyes were fi.ed on the dome$ other than those of 'ot"lack Desiato=s "odyguard$ which were looking intently at 'ot"lack Desiato$ and those of 'ot"lack Desiato himself which the "odyguard had closed out of res!ect+ The "odyguard leaned forward over the ta"le+ 'ad 'ot"lack Desiato "een alive$ he !ro"a"ly would have deemed this a good moment to lean "ack$ or even go for a short walk+ 'is "odyguard was not a man which im!roved with !ro.imity+ *n account of his unfortunate condition$ however$ 'ot"lack Desiato remained totally inert+ "(r Desiato$ sir>" whis!ered the "odyguard+ 4henever he s!oke$ it looked as if the muscles on either side of his mouth were clam"ering over each other to get out of the way+ "(r Desiato> 0an you hear me>" 'ot"lack Desiato$ -uit naturally$ said nothing+ "'ot"lack>" hissed the "odyguard+ Again$ -uite naturally$ 'ot"lack Desiato did not re!ly+ )u!ernaturally$ however$ he did+ *n the ta"le in front of him a wine glass rattled$ and a fork rose an inch or so and ta!!ed against the glass+ t settled on the ta"le again+ The "odyguard gave a satisfied grunt+

" t=s time we get going$ (r Desiato$" muttered the "odyguard$ "don=t want to get caught in the rush$ not in your condition+ Aou want to get to the ne.t gig nice and rela.ed+ There was a really "ig audience for it+ *ne of the "est+ #akrafoon+ ,ive5hundred seventy5si. thousand and two million years ago+ 'ad you will have "een looking forward to it>" The fork rose again$ waggled in a non5committal sort of way and dro!!ed again+ "Ah$ come on$" said the "odyguard$ "it=s going to have "een great+ Aou knocked =em cold+" The "odyguard would have given Dr Dan )treetmentioner an a!o!lectic attack+ "The "lack shi! going into the sun always gets =em$ and the new one=s a "eauty+ &e real sorry to see it go+ f we get on down there$ =ll set the "lack shi! auto!ilot and we=ll cruise off in the limo+ *#>" The fork ta!!ed once in agreement$ and the glass of wine mysteriously em!tied itself+ The "odyguard wheeled 'ot"lack Desiato=s chair out of the Restaurant+ "And now$" cried (a. from the centre of the stage$ "the moment you=ve all "een waiting for@" 'e flung his arms into the air+ &ehind him$ the "and went into a fren/y of !ercussion and rolling synthochords+ (a. had argued with them a"out this "ut they had claimed it was in their contract that that=s what they would do+ 'is agent would have to sort it out+ "The skies "egin to "oil@" he cried+ "?ature colla!ses into the screaming void@ n twenty seconds= time$ the Universe itself will "e at an end@ )ee where the light of infinity "ursts in u!on us@"

The hideous fury of destruction "la/ed a"out them 5 and at that moment a still small trum!et sounded as from an infinite distance+ (a.=s eyes swivelled round to glare at the "and+ ?one of them seemed to "e !laying a trum!et+ )uddenly a wis! of smoke was swirling and shimmering on the stage ne.t to him+ The trum!et was 7oined "y more trum!ets+ *ver five hundred times (a. had done this show$ and nothing like this had ever ha!!ened "efore+ 'e drew "ack in alarm from the swirling smoke$ and as he did so$ a figure slowly materiali/ed inside$ the figure of an ancient man$ "earded$ ro"ed and wreathed in light+ n his eyes were stars and on his "row a golden crown+ "4hat=s this>" whis!ered (a.$ wild5eyed$ "what=s ha!!ening>" At the "ack of the Restaurant the stony5faced !arty from the 0hurch of the )econd 0oming of the Great Pro!het 9ar-uon lea!t ecstatically to their feet chanting and crying+ (a. "linked in ama/ement+ 'e threw u! his arms to the audience+ "A "ig hand !lease$ ladies and gentlemen$" he hollered$ "for the Great Pro!het 9ar-uon@ 'e has come@ 9ar-uon has come again@" Thunderous a!!lause "roke out as (a. strode across the stage and handed his micro!hone to the Pro!het+ 9ar-uon coughed+ 'e !eered round at the assem"led gathering+ The stars in his eyes "linked uneasily+ 'e handled the micro!hone with confusion+ "Er +++" he said$ "hello+ Er$ look$ =m sorry =m a "it late+ =ve had the most ghastly time$ all sorts of things cro!!ing u! at the last moment+" 'e seemed nervous of the e.!ectant awed hush+ 'e cleared his throat+

"Er$ how are we for time>" he said$ "have 7ust got a min5" And so the Universe ended+

0ha!ter 1L

*ne of the ma7or selling !oint of that wholly remarka"le travel "ook$ the 'itch 'iker=s Guide to the Gala.y$ a!art from its relative chea!ness and the fact that it has the words Don=t Panic written in large friendly letters on its cover$ is its com!endious and occasionally accurate glossary+ The statistics relating to the geo5social nature of the Universe$ for instance$ are deftly set out "etween !ages nine hundred and thirty5eight thousand and twenty5four and nine hundred and thirty5eight thousand and twenty5 si.8 and the sim!listic style in which they are written is !artly e.!lained "y the fact that the editors$ having to meet a !u"lishing deadline$ co!ied the information off the "ack of a !acket of "reakfast cereal$ hastily em"roidering it with a few footnoted in order to avoid !rosecution under the incom!rehensi"ly tortuous Galactic 0o!yright laws+ t is interesting to note that a later and wilier editor sent the "ook "ackwards in time through a tem!oral war!$ and then successfully sued the "reakfast cereal com!any for infringement of the same laws+ 'ere is a sam!le2 The Universe 5 some information to hel! you live in it+ 1NArea2 nfinite+

The 'itch 'iker=s Guide to the Gala.y offers this definition of the word " nfinite"+ nfinite2 &igger than the "iggest thing ever and then some+ (uch "igger than that in fact$ really ama/ingly immense$ a totally stunning si/e$ "wow$ that=s "ig"$ time+ nfinity is 7ust so "ig that "y com!arison$ "igness itself looks really titchy+ Gigantic multi!lied "y colossal multi!lied "y staggeringly huge is the sort of conce!t we=re trying to get across here+ :N m!orts2 ?one+ t is im!ossi"le to im!ort things into an infinite area$ there "eing no outside to im!ort things in from+ BNE.!orts2 ?one+ )ee im!orts+ ENPo!ulation2 ?one+ t is known that there are an infinite num"er of worlds$ sim!ly "ecause there is an infinite amount of s!ace for them to "e in+ 'owever$ not every one of them is inha"ited+ Therefore$ there must "e a finite num"er of inha"ited worlds+ Any finite num"er divided "y infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds$ so the average !o!ulation of all the !lanets in the Universe can "e said to "e /ero+ ,rom this it follows that the !o!ulation of the whole Universe is also /ero$ and that any !eo!le you may meet from time to time are merely the !roducts of a deranged imagination+ FN(onetary Units2 ?one+

n fact there are three freely converti"le currencies in the Gala.y$ "ut none of them count+ The Altairan Dollar has recently colla!sed$ the ,laninian Po""le &ead is only e.changea"le for other ,laninian Po""le &eads$ and the Triganic Pu has its own very s!ecial !ro"lems+ ts e.change rate of eight ?ingis to one Pu is sim!le enough$ "ut since a ?ingi is a triangular ru""er coin si. thousand eight hundred miles across each side$ no one has ever collected enough to own one Pu+ ?ingis are not negotia"le currency "ecause the Galacti"anks refuse to deal in fiddling small change+ ,rom this "asic !remise it is very sim!le to !rove that the Galacti"anks are also the !roduct of a deranged imagination+ GNArt2 ?one+ The function of art is to hold the mirror u! to nature$ and there sim!ly isn=t a mirror "ig enough 5 see !oint one+ HN)e.2 ?one+ 4ell$ in fact there is an awful lot of this$ largely "ecause of the total lack of money$ trade$ "anks$ art$ or anything else that might kee! all the non5e.istent !eo!le of the Universe occu!ied+ 'owever$ it is not worth em"arking on a long discussion of it now "ecause it really is terri"ly com!licated+ ,or further information see Guide 0ha!ters seven$ nine$ ten$ eleven$ fourteen$ si.teen$ seventeen$ nineteen$ twenty5one to eighty5 four inclusive$ and in fact most of the rest of the Guide+

0ha!ter :C

The Restaurant continued e.isting$ "ut everything else had sto!!ed+ Tem!oral relastatics held it and !rotected it in a nothingness that wasn=t merely a vacuum$ it was sim!ly nothing 5 there was nothing in which a vacuum could "e said to e.ist+ The force5shielded dome had once again "een rendered o!a-ue$ the !arty was over$ the diners were leaving$ 9ar-uon had vanished along with the rest of the Universe$ the Time Tur"ines were !re!aring to !ull the Restaurant "ack across the "rink of time in readiness for the lunch sitting$ and (a. 6uordle!leen was "ack in his small curtained dressing room trying to raise his agent on the tem!o!hone+ n the car !ark stood the "lack shi!$ closed and silent+ n to the car !ark came the late (r 'ot"lack Desiato$ !ro!elled along the moving catwalk "y his "odyguard+ They descended one of the tu"es+ As they a!!roached the limoshi! a hatchway swung down from its side$ engaged the wheels of the wheelchair and drew it inside+ The "odyguard followed$ and having seen his "oss safely connected u! to his death5su!!ort system$ moved u! to the small cock!it+ 'ere he o!erated the remote control system which activated the auto!ilot in the "lack shi! lying ne.t to the limo$ thus causing great relief to 9a!hod &ee"le"ro. who had "een trying to start the thing for over ten minutes+

The "lack shi! glided smoothly forward out of its "ay$ turned$ and moved down the central causeway swiftly and -uietly+ At the end it accelerated ra!idly$ flung itself into the tem!oral launch cham"er and "egan the long 7ourney "ack into the distant !ast+ The (illiways %unch (enu -uotes$ "y !ermission$ a !assage from the 'itch 'iker=s Guide to the Gala.y+ The !assage is this2 The 'istory of every ma7or Galactic 0ivili/ation tends to !ass through three distinct and recogni/a"le !hases$ those of )urvival$ n-uiry and )o!histication$ otherwise known as the 'ow$ 4hy and 4here !hases+ ,or instance$ the first !hase is characteri/ed "y the -uestion "'ow can we eat>"$ the second "y the -uestion "4hy do we eat>" and the third "y the -uestion$ "4here shall we have lunch>" The (enu goes on to suggest that (illiways$ the Restaurant at the End of the Universe$ would "e a very agreea"le and so!histicated answer to that third -uestion+ 4hat it doesn=t go on to say is that though it will usually take a large civili/ation many thousands of years to !ass through the 'ow$ 4hy and 4here !hases$ small social grou!ings under stressful conditions can !ass through them with e.treme ra!idity+ "'ow are we doing>" said Arthur Dent+ "&adly$" said ,ord Prefect+ "4here are we going>" said Trillian+ " don=t know$" said 9a!hod &ee"le"ro.+ "4hy not>" demanded Arthur Dent+

")hut u!$" suggested 9a!hod &ee"le"ro. and ,ord Prefect+ "&asically$ what you=re trying to say$" said Arthur Dent$ ignoring this suggestion$ "is that we=re out of control+" The shi! was rocking and swaying sickeningly as ,ord and 9a!hod tried to wrest control from the auto!ilot+ The engined howled and whined like tired children in a su!ermarket+ " t=s the wild colour scheme that freaks me$" said 9a!hod whose love affair with this shi! had lasted almost three minutes into the flight$ "Every time you try to o!erate on of these weird "lack controls that are la"elled in "lack on a "lack "ackground$ a little "lack light lights u! "lack to let you know you=ve done it+ 4hat is this> )ome kind of galactic hy!erhearse>" The walls of the swaying ca"in were also "lack$ the ceiling was "lack$ the seats 5 which were rudimentary since the only im!ortant tri! this shi! was designed for was su!!osed to "e unmanned 5 were "lack$ the control !anel was "lack$ the instruments were "lack$ the little screws that held them in !lace were "lack$ the thin tufted nylon floor covering was "lack$ and when they had lifted u! a corner of it they had discovered that the foam underlay also was "lack+ "Perha!s whoever designed it had eyes that res!onded to different wavelengths$" offered Trillian+ "*r didn=t have much imagination$" muttered Arthur+ "Perha!s$" said (arvin$ "he was feeling very de!ressed+" n fact$ though they weren=t to know it$ the decor had "een chosen in honour of its owner=s sad$ lamented$ and ta.5 deducti"le condition+ The shi! gave a !articularly sickening lurch+

"Take it easy$" !leaded Arthur$ "you=re making me s!ace sick+" "Time sick$" said ,ord$ "we=re !lummeting "ackwards through time+" "Thank you$" said Arthur$ "now think really am going to "e ill+" "Go ahead$" said 9a!hod$ "we could do with a little colour a"out this !lace+" "This is meant to "e a !olite after5dinner conversation is it>" sna!!ed Arthur+ 9a!hod left the controls for ,ord to figure out$ and lurched over to Arthur+ "%ook$ Earthman$" he said angrily$ "you=ve got a 7o" to do$ right> The 6uestion to the Ultimate Answer$ right>" "4hat$ that thing>" said Arthur$ " thought we=d forgotten a"out that+" "?ot me$ "a"y+ %ike the mice said$ it=s worth a lot of money in the right -uarters+ And it=s all locked u! in that head thing of yours+" "Aes "ut +++" "&ut nothing@ Think a"out it+ The (eaning of %ife@ 4e get our fingers on that we can hold every shrink in the Gala.y u! to ransom$ and that=s worth a "undle+ owe mine a mint+" Arthur took a dee! "reath without much enthusiasm+ "Alright$" he said$ ""ut where do we start> 'ow should know> They say the Ultimate Answer or whatever is ,orty5 two$ how am su!!osed to know what the -uestion is> t could "e anything+ mean$ what=s si. times seven>"

9a!hod looked at him hard for a moment+ Then his eyes "la/ed with e.citement+ ",orty5two@" he cried+ Arthur wi!ed his !alm across his forehead+ "Aes$" he said !atiently$" know that+" 9a!hod=s faces fell+ " =m 7ust saying that the -uestion could "e anything at all$" said Arthur$ "and don=t see how am meant to know+" "&ecause$" hissed 9a!hod$ "you were there when your !lanet did the "ig firework+" "4e have a thing on Earth +++" "egan Arthur+ "'ad$" corrected 9a!hod+ "+++ called tact+ *h never mind+ %ook$ 7ust don=t know+" A low voice echoed dully round the ca"in+ " know$" said (arvin+ ,ord called out from the controls he was still fighting a losing "attle with+ ")tay out of this (arvin$" he said$ "this is organism talk+" " t=s !rinted in the Earthman=s "rainwave !atterns$" continued (arvin$ ""ut don=t su!!ose you=ll "e very interested in knowing that+" "Aou mean$" said Arthur$ "you mean you can see into my mind>" "Aes$" said (arvin+

Arthur stared in astonishment+ "And +++>" he said+ " t ama/es me how you can manage to live in anything that small+" "Ah$" said Arthur$ "a"use+" "Aes$" confirmed (arvin+ "Ah$ ignore him$" said 9a!hod$ "he=s only making it u!+" "(aking it u!>" said (arvin$ swivelling his head in a !arody of astonishment$ "4hy should want to make anything u!> %ife=s "ad enough as it is without wanting to invent any more of it+" "(arvin$" said Trillian in the gentle$ kindly voice that only she was still ca!a"le of assuming in talking to this mis"egotten creature$ "if you knew all along$ why then didn=t you tell us>" (arvin=s head swivelled "ack to her+ "Aou didn=t ask$" he said sim!ly+ "4ell$ we=re asking you now$ metal man$" said ,ord$ turning round to look at him+ At that moment the shi! suddenly sto!!ed rocking and swaying$ the engine !itch settled down to a gentle hum+ "'ey$ ,ord$" said 9a!hod$ "that sounds good+ 'ave you worked out the controls of this "oat>" "?o$" said ,ord$ " 7ust sto!!ed fiddling with them+ reckon we 7ust go to wherever this shi! is going and get off it fast+" "Aeah$ right$" said 9a!hod+

" could tell you weren=t really interested$" murmured (arvin to himself and slum!ed into a corner and switched himself off+ "Trou"le is$" said ,ord$ "that the one instrument in this while shi! that is giving any reading is worrying me+ f it is what think it is$ and if it=s saying what think it=s saying$ then we=ve already gone too far "ack into the !ast+ (ay"e as much as two million years "efore our own time+" 9a!hod shrugged+ "Time is "unk$" he said+ " wonder who this shi! "elongs to anyway$" said Arthur+ "(e$" said 9a!hod+ "?o+ 4ho it really "elongs to+" "Really me$" insisted 9a!hod$ "look$ !ro!erty is theft$ right> Therefore theft is !ro!erty+ Therefore this shi! is mine$ *#>" "Tell the shi! that$" said Arthur+ 9a!hod strode over to the console+ ")hi!$" he said$ "anging on the !anels$ "this is your new owner s!eaking to +++" 'e got no further+ )everal things ha!!ened at once+ The shi! dro!!ed out fo time travel mode and re5emerged into real s!ace+ All the controls on the console$ which had "een shut down for the time tri! now lit u!+

A large vision screen a"ove the console winked into life revealing a wide starsca!e and a single very large sun dead ahead of them+ ?one of these things$ however$ were res!onsi"le for the fact that 9a!hod was at the same moment hurled "odily "ackwards against the rear of the ca"in$ as were all the others+ They were hurled "ack "y a single thunderous cla! of noise that thuddered out of the monitor s!eakers surrounding the vision screen+

0ha!ter :1

Down on the dry$ red world of #akrafoon$ in the middle of the vast Rudlit Desert$ the stage technicians were testing the sound system+ That is to say$ the sound system was in the desert$ not the stage technicians+ They had retreated to the safety of Disaster Area=s giant control shi! which hung in or"it some four hundred miles a"ove the surface of the !lanet$ and they were testing the sound system from there+ Anyone within five miles of the s!eaker silos wouldn=t have survived the tuning u!+

f Arthur Dent had "een within five miles of the s!eaker silos then his e.!iring thought would have "een that in "oth si/e and sha!e the sound rig closely resem"led (anhattan+ Risen out of the silos$ the neutron !hase s!eaker stacks towered monstrously against the sky$ o"scuring the "anks of !lutonium reactors and seismic am!s "ehind them+ &uried dee! in concrete "unkers "eneath the city of s!eakers lay the instruments that the musicians would control from their shi!$ the massive !hoton5a7uitar$ the "ass detonator and the (ega"ang drum com!le.+ t was going to "e a noisy show+ A"oard the giant control shi!$ all was activity and "ustle+ 'ot"lack Desiato=s limoshi!$ a mere tad!ole "eside it$ had arrived and docked$ and the lamented gentleman was "eing trans!orted down the high vaulted corridors to meet the medium who was going to inter!ret his !sychic im!ulses on to the a7uitar key"oard+ A doctor$ a logician and a marine "iologist had also 7ust arrived$ flown in at !henomenal e.!ense from (a.imegalon to try to reason with the lead singer who had locked himself in the "athroom with a "ottle of !ills and was refusing to come out till it could "e !roved conclusively to him that he wasn=t a fish+ The "ass !layer was "usy machine5gunning his "edroom and the drummer was nowhere on "oard+ ,rantic in-uiries led to the discovery that he was standing on a "each on )antraginus 3 over a hundred light years away where$ he claimed$ he had "een ha!!y over half an hour now and had found a small stone that would "e his friend+ The "and=s manager was !rofoundly relieved+ t meant that for the seventeenth time on this tour the drums would "e !layed "y a ro"ot and that therefore the timing of the cym"alistics would "e right+

The su"5ether was "u//ing with the communications of the stage technicians testing the s!eaker channels$ and this it was that was "eing relayed to the interior of the "lack shi!+ ts da/ed occu!ants lay against the "ack wall of the ca"in$ and listened to the voices on the monitor s!eakers+ "*#$ channel nine on !ower$" said a voice$ "testing channel fifteen +++" Another thum!ing crack of noise wallo!ed through the shi!+ "0hannel fifteen A*#$" said another voice+ A third voice cut in+ "The "lack stunt shi! is now in !osition$" it said$ "it=s looking good+ Gonna "e a great sundive+ )tage com!uter on line>" A com!uter voice answered+ "*n line$" it said+ "Take control of the "lack shi!+" "&lack shi! locked into tra7ectory !rogramme$ on stand"y+" "Testing channel twenty+" 9a!hod lea!ed across the ca"in and switched fre-uencies on the su"5ether receiver "efore the ne.t mind5!ulveri/ing noise hit them+ 'e stood there -uivering+ "4hat$" said Trillian in a small -uiet voice$ "does sundive mean>" " t means$" said (arvin$ "that the shi! os going to dive into the sun+ )un +++ Dive+ t=s very sim!le to understand+ 4hat do you e.!ect if you steal 'ot"lack Desiato=s stunt shi!>"

"'ow do you know +++" said 9a!hod in a voice that would make a 3egan snow li/ard feel chilly$ "that this is 'ot"lack Desiato=s stuntshi!>" ")im!le$" said (arvin$ " !arked it for him+" "The why +++ didn=t +++ you +++ tell us@" "Aou said you wanted e.citement and adventure and really wild things+" "This is awful$" said Arthur unnecessarily in the !ause which followed+ "That=s what said$" confirmed (arvin+ *n a different fre-uency$ the su"5ether receiver had !icked u! a !u"lic "roadcast$ which now echoed round the ca"in+ "+++ fine weather for the concert here this afternoon+ =m standing here in front of the stage$" the re!orter lied$ "in the middle of the Rudlit Desert$ and with the aid of hy!er"ino!tic glasses can 7ust a"out make out the huge audience cowering there on the hori/on all around me+ &ehind me the s!eaker stacks rise like a sheer cliff face$ and high a"ove me the sun is shining away and doesn=t know what=s going to hit it+ The environmentalist lo""y do know what=s going to hit it$ and they claim that the concert will cause earth-uakes$ tidal waves$ hurricanes$ irre!ara"le damage to the atmos!here$ and all the usual things that environmentalists usually go on a"out+ "&ut =ve 7ust had a re!ort that a re!resentative of Disaster Area met with the environmentalists at lunchtime$ and had them all shot$ so nothing now lies in the way of +++" 9a!hod switched it off+ 'e turned to ,ord+ "Aou know what =m thinking>" he said+

" think so$" said ,ord+ "Tell me what you think =m thinking+" " think you=re thinking it=s time we get off this shi!+" " think you=re right$" said 9a!hod+ " think you=re right$" said ,ord+ "'ow>" said Arthur+ "6uiet$" said ,ord and 9a!hod$ "we=re thinking+" ")o this is it$" said Arthur$ "we=re going to die+" " wish you=d sto! saying that$" said ,ord+ t is worth re!eating at this !oint the theories that ,ord had come u! with$ on his first encounter with human "eings$ to account for their !eculiar ha"it of continually stating and restating the very very o"vious$ as it = t=s a nice day$" or "Aou=re very tall$" or ")o this is it$ we=re going to die+" 'is first theory was that if human "eings didn=t kee! e.ercising their li!s$ their mouths !ro"a"ly sei/ed u!+ After a few months of o"servation he had come u! with a second theory$ which was this 5 " f human "eings don=t kee! e.ercising their li!s$ their "rains start working+" n fact$ this second theory is more literally true of the &elce"ron !eo!le of #akrafoon+ The &elce"ron !eo!le used to cause great resentment and insecurity amongst neigh"oring races "y "eing one of the most enlightened$ accom!lished$ and a"ove all -uiet civili/ations in the Gala.y+

As a !unishment for this "ehaviour$ which was held to "e offensively self righteous and !rovocative$ a Galactic Tri"unal inflicted on them that most cruel of all social diseases$ tele!athy+ 0onse-uently$ in order to !revent themselves "roadcasting every slightest thought that crossed their minds to anyone within a five mile radius$ they now have to talk very loudly and continuously a"out the weather$ their little aches and !ains$ the match this afternoon and what a noisy !lace #akrafoon had suddenly "ecome+ Another method of tem!orarily "lotting out their minds is to !lay host to a Disaster Area concert+ The timing of the concert was critical+ The shi! had to "egin its dive "efore the concert "egan in order to hit the sun si. minutes and thirty5seven seconds "efore the clima. of the song to which it related$ so that the light of the solar flares had time to travel out to #akrafoon+ The shi! had already "een diving for several minutes "y the time that ,ord Prefect had com!leted his search of the other com!artments of the "lack shi!+ 'e "urst "ack into the ca"in+ The sun of #akrafoon loomed terrifyingly large on the vision screen$ its "la/ing white inferno of fusing hydrogen nuclei growing moment "y moment as the shi! !lunged onwards$ unheeding the thum!ing and "anging of 9a!hod=s hands on the control !anel+ Arthur and Trillian had the fi.ed e.!ressions of ra""its on a night road who think that the "est way of dealing with a!!roaching headlights is to stare them out+ 9a!hod s!an round$ wild5eyed+ ",ord$" he said$ "how many esca!e ca!sules are there>" "?one$" said ,ord+

9a!hod gi""ered+ "Did you count them>" he yelled+ "Twice$" said ,ord$ "did you manage to raise the stage crew on the radio>" "Aeah$" said 9a!hod$ "itterly$ " said there were a whole "unch of !eo!le on "oard$ and they said to say Dhi= to every"ody+" ,ord goggled+ "Didn=t you tell them who we were>" "*h yeah+ They said it was a great honour+ That and something a"out a restaurant "ill and my e.ecutors+" ,ord !ushed Arthur aside and leaned forward over the control console+ "Does none of this function>" he said savagely+ "All overridden+" ")mash the auto!ilot+" ",ind it first+ ?othing connects+" There was a moment=s cold silence+ Arthur was stum"ling round the "ack of the ca"in+ 'e sto!!ed suddenly+ " ncidentally$" he said$ "what does tele!ort mean>" Another moment !assed+ )lowly$ the others turned to face him+

"Pro"a"ly the wrong moment to ask$" said Arthur$ " t=s 7ust remem"er hearing you use the word a short while ago and only "ring it u! "ecause +++" "4here$" said ,ord Prefect -uietly$ "does it say tele!ort>" "4ell$ 7ust over here in fact$" said Arthur$ !ointing at a dark control "o. in the rear of the ca"in$ "Just under the word Demergency=$ a"ove the word Dsystem= and "eside the sign saying Dout of order=+" n the !andemonium that instantly followed$ the only action to follow was that of ,ord Prefect lunging across the ca"in to the small "lack "o. that Arthur had indicated and sta""ing re!eatedly at the single small "lack "utton set into it+ A si.5foot s-uare !anel slid o!en "eside it revealing a com!artment which resem"led a multi!le shower unit that had found a new function in life as an electrician=s 7unk store+ 'alf5finished wiring hung from the ceiling$ a 7um"le of a"andoned com!onents lay strewn on the floor$ and the !rogramming !anel lolled out of the cavity in the wall into which it should have "een secured+

A 7unior Disaster Area accountant$ visiting the shi!yard where this shi! was "eing constructed$ had demanded to know of the works foreman why the hell they were fitting an e.tremely e.!ensive tele!ort into a shi! which only had one im!ortant 7ourney to make$ and that unmanned+ The foreman had e.!lained that the tele!ort was availa"le at a ten !er cent discount and the accountant had e.!lained that this was immaterial8 the foreman had e.!lained that it was the finest$ most !owerful and so!histicated tele!ort that money could "uy and the accountant had e.!lained that the money did not wish to "uy it8 the foreman had e.!lained that !eo!le would still need to enter and leave the shi! and the accountant had e.!lained that the shi! s!orted a !erfectly servicea"le door8 the foreman had e.!lained that the accountant could go and "oil his head and the accountant had e.!lained to the foreman that the thing a!!roaching him ra!idly from his left was a knuckle sandwich+ After the e.!lanations had "een concluded$ work was discontinued on the tele!ort which su"se-uently !assed unnoticed on the invoice as ")und+ e.!lns+" at five times the !rice+ "'ell=s donkeys$" muttered 9a!hod as he and ,ord attem!ted to sort through the tangle of wiring+ After a moment or so ,ord told him to stand "ack+ 'e tossed a coin into the tele!ort and 7iggled a switch on the lolling control !anel+ 4ith a crackle and s!it of light$ the coin vanished+ "That much of it works$" said ,ord$ "however$ there is no guidance system+ A matter transference tele!ort without guidance !rogramming could !ut you +++ well$ anywhere+" The sun of #akrafoon loomed huge on the screen+ "4ho cares$" said 9a!hod$ "we go where we go+"

"And$" said ,ord$ "there is no autosystem+ 4e couldn=t all go+ )omeone would have to stay and o!erate it+" A solemn moment shuffled !ast+ The sun loomed larger and larger+ "'ey$ (arvin kid$" said 9a!hod "rightly$ "how you doing>" "3ery "adly sus!ect$" muttered (arvin+ A shortish while later$ the concert on #akrafoon reached an une.!ected clima.+ The "lack shi! with its single morose occu!ant had !lunged on schedule into the nuclear furnace of the sun+ (assive solar flares licked out from it millions of miles into s!ace$ thrilling and in a few cases s!illing the do/en or so ,lare Riders who had "een coasting close to the surface of the sun in antici!ation of the moment+ (oments "efore the flare light reached #akrafoon the !ounding desert cracked along a dee! faultline+ A huge and hitherto undetected underground river lying far "eneath the surface gushed to the surface to "e followed seconds later "y the eru!tion of millions of tons of "oiling lava that flowed hundreds of feet into the air$ instantaneously va!ori/ing the river "oth a"ove and "elow the surface in an e.!losion that echoed to the far side of the world and "ack again+ Those 5 very few 5 who witnessed the event and survived swear that the whole hundred thousand s-uare miles of the desert rose into the air like a mile5thick !ancake$ fli!!ed itself over and fell "ack down+ At that !recise moment the solar radiation from the flares filtered through the clouds of va!ori/ed water and struck the ground+

A year later$ the hundred thousand s-uare mile desert was thick with flowers+ The structure of the atmos!here around the !lanet was su"tly altered+ The sun "la/ed less harshly in the summer$ the cold "it less "itterly in the winter$ !leasant rain fell more often$ and slowly the desert world of #akrafoon "ecame a !aradise+ Even the tele!athic !ower with which the !eo!le of #akrafoon had "een cursed was !ermanently dis!ersed "y the force of the e.!losion+ A s!okesman for Disaster Area 5 the one who had had all the environmentalists shot 5 was later -uoted as saying that it had "een "a good gig"+ (any !eo!le s!oke movingly of the healing !owers of music+ A few sce!tical scientists e.amined the records of the events more closely$ and claimed that they had discovered faint vestiges of a vast artificially induced m!ro"a"ility ,ield drifting in from a near"y region of s!ace+

0ha!ter ::

Arthur woke u! and instantly regretted it+ 'angovers he=d had$ "ut never anything on this scale+ This was it$ this was the "ig one$ this was the ultimate !its+ (atter transference "eams$ he decided$ were not as much fun as$ say$ a good solid kick in the head+

&eing for the moment unwilling to move on account of a dull stom!ing thro" he was e.!eriencing$ he lay a while and thought+ The trou"le with most forms of trans!ort$ he thought$ is "asically one of them not "eing worth all the "other+ *n Earth 5 when there had "een an Earth$ "efore it was demolished to make way for a new hy!ers!ace "y!ass 5 the !ro"lem had "een with cars+ The disadvantages involved in !ulling lots of "lack sticky slime from out of the ground where it had "een safely hidden out of harm=s way$ turning it into tar to cover the land with$ smoke to fill the air with and !ouring the rest into the sea$ all seemed to outweigh the advantages of "eing a"le to get more -uickly from one !lace to another 5 !articularly when the !lace you arrived at had !ro"a"ly "ecome$ as a result of this$ very similar to the !lace you had left$ i+e+ covered with tar$ full of smoke and short of fish+ And what a"out matter transference "eams> Any form of trans!ort which involved tearing you a!art atom "y atom$ flinging those atoms through the su"5ether$ and then 7amming them "ack together again 7ust when they were getting their first taste of freedom for years had to "e "ad news+ (any !eo!le had thought e.actly this "efore Arthur Dent and had even gone to the lengths of writing songs a"out it+ 'ere is one that used regularly to "e chanted "y huge crowds outside the )irius 0y"ernetics 0or!oration Tele!ort )ystems factory on 'a!!i54erld 2 Alde"aran=s great$ *#$ Algol=s !retty neat$ &etelgeuse=s !retty girls$ 4ill knock you off your feet+ They=ll do anything you like$

Real fast and then real slow$ &ut if you have to take me a!art to get me there$ Then don=t want to go+ )inging$

Take me a!art$ take me a!art$ 4hat a way to roam$ And if you have to take me a!art to get me there$ =d rather stay at home+ )irius is !aved with gold )o =ve heard it said &y nuts who then go on to say ")ee Tau "efore you=re dead+" =ll gladly take the high road *r even take the low$ &ut if you have to take me a!art to get me there$ Then $ for one$ won=t go+ )inging$

Take me a!art$ take me a!art$ Aou must "e off your head$ And if you try to take me a!art to get me there$

=ll stay right here in "ed+

tele!orted home one night$ 4ith Ron and )id and (eg$ Ron stole (eggie=s heart away$ And got )idney=s leg+ Arthur felt the waves of !ain slowly receding$ though he was still aware of a dull stom!ing thro"+ )lowly$ carefully$ he stood u!+ "0an you hear a dull stom!ing thro">" said ,ord Prefect+ Arthur s!an round and wo""led uncertainly+ ,ord Prefect was a!!roaching looking red eyed and !asty+ "4here are we>" gas!ed Arthur+ ,ord looked around+ They were standing in a long curving corridor which stretched out of sight in "oth directions+ The outer steel wall 5 which was !ainted in that sickly shade of !ale green which they use in schools$ hos!itals and mental asylums to kee! the inmates su"dued 5 curved over the to!s of their heads where it met the inner !er!endicular wall which$ oddly enough was covered in dark "rown hessian wall weave+ The floor was of dark green ri""ed ru""er+ ,ord moved over to a very thick dark trans!arent !anel set in the outer wall+ t was several layers dee!$ yet through it he could see !in!oints of distant stars+ " think we=re in a s!aceshi! of some kind$" he said+ Down the corridor came the sound of a dull stom!ing thro"+

"Trillian>" called Arthur nervously$ "9a!hod>" ,ord shrugged+ "?owhere a"out$" he said$ " =ve looked+ They could "e anywhere+ An un!rogrammed tele!ort can throw you light years in any direction+ Judging "y the way feel should think we=ve travelled a very long way indeed+" "'ow do you feel>" "&ad+" "Do you think they=re +++" "4here they are$ how they are$ there=s no way we can know and no way we can do anything a"out it+ Do what do+" "4hat>" "Don=t think a"out it+" Arthur turned this thought over in his mind$ reluctantly saw the wisdom of it$ tucked it u! and !ut it away+ 'e took a dee! "reath+ ",ootste!s@" e.claimed ,ord suddenly+ "4here>" "That noise+ That stom!ing thro"+ Pounding feet+ %isten@" Arthur listened+ The noise echoed round the corridor at them from an indeterminate distance+ t was the muffled sound of !ounding footste!s$ and it was noticea"ly louder+ "%et=s move$" said ,ord shar!ly+ They "oth moved 5 in o!!osite directions+ "?ot that way$" said ,ord$ "that=s where they=re coming from+"

"?o it=s not$" said Arthur$ "They=re coming from that way+" "They=re not$ they=re +++" They "oth sto!!ed+ They "oth turned+ They "oth listened intently+ They "oth agreed with each other+ They "oth set off into o!!osite directions again+ ,ear gri!!ed them+ ,rom "oth directions the noise was getting louder+ A few yards to their left another corridor ran at right angles to the inner wall+ They ran to it and hurried along it+ t was dark$ immensely long and$ as they !assed down it$ gave them the im!ression that it was getting colder and colder+ *ther corridors gave off it to the left and right$ each very dark and each su"7ecting them to shar! "lasts of icy air as they !assed+ They sto!!ed for a moment in alarm+ The further down the corridor they went$ the louder "ecame the sound of !ounding feet+

They !ressed themselves "ack against the cold wall and listened furiously+ The cold$ the dark and the drumming of disem"odied feet was getting to them "adly+ ,ord shivered$ !artly with the cold$ "ut !artly with the memory of stories his favourite mother used to tell him when he was a mere sli! of a &etelgeusian$ ankle high to an Arcturan (egagrassho!!er2 stories of dead shi!s$ haunted hulks that roamed restlessly round the o"scurer regions of dee! s!ace infested with demons or the ghosts of forgotten crews8 stories too of incautious travellers who found and entered such shi!s8 stories of +++ 5 then ,ord remem"ered the "rown hessian wall weave in the first corridor and !ulled himself together+ 'owever ghosts and demons may choose to decorate their death hulks$ he thought to himself$ he would lay any money you liked it wasn=t with hessian wall weave+ 'e gras!ed Arthur "y the arm+ "&ack the way we came$" he said firmly and they started to retrace their ste!s+ A moment later they lea! like startled li/ards down the nearest corridor 7unction as the owners of the drumming feet suddenly hove into view directly in front of them+ 'idden "ehind the corner they goggled in ama/ement as a"out two do/en overweight men and women !ounded !ast them in track suits !anting and whee/ing in a manner that would make a heart surgeon gi""er+ ,ord Prefect stared after them+ "Joggers@" he hissed$ as the sound of their feet echoed away u! and down the network of corridors+ "Joggers>" whis!ered Arthur Dent+ "Joggers$" said ,ord !refect with a shrug+

The corridor they were concealed in was not like the others+ t was very short$ and ended at a large steel door+ ,ord e.amined it$ discovered the o!ening mechanism and !ushed it wide+ The first thing that hit their eyes was what a!!eared to "e a coffin+ And the ne.t four thousand nine hundred and ninety5nine things that hit their eyes were also coffins+

0ha!ter :B

The vault was low ceilinged$ dimly lit and gigantic+ At the far end$ a"out three hundred yards away an archway let through to what a!!eared to "e a similar cham"er$ similarly occu!ied+ ,ord Prefect let out a low whistle as he ste!!ed down on to the floor of the vault+ "4ild$" he said+ "4hat=s so great a"out dead !eo!le>" asked Arthur$ nervously ste!!ing down after him+ "Dunno$" said ,ord$ "%et=s find out shall we>"

*n closer ins!ection the coffins seemed to "e more like sarco!hagi+ They stood a"out waist high and were constructed of what a!!eared to "e white mar"le$ which is almost certainly what it was 5 something that only a!!eared to "e white mar"le+ The to!s were semi5 translucent$ and through them could dimly "e !erceived the features of their late and !resuma"ly lamented occu!ants+ They were humanoid$ and had clearly left the trou"les of whatever world it was they came from far "ehind them$ "ut "eyond that little else could "e discerned+ Rolling slowly round the floor "etween the sarco!hagi was a heavy$ oily white gas which Arthur at first thought might "e there to give the !lace a little atmos!here until he discovered that it also fro/e his ankles+ The sarco!hagi too were intensely cold to the touch+ ,ord suddenly crouched down "eside one of them+ 'e !ulled a corner of his towel out of his satchel and started to ru" furiously at something+ "%ook$ there=s a !la-ue on this one$" he e.!lained to Arthur$ " t=s frosted over+" 'e ru""ed the frost clear and e.amined the engraved characters+ To Arthur they looked like the foot!rints of a s!ider that had had one too many of whatever it is that s!iders have on a night out$ "ut ,ord instantly recogni/ed an early form of Galactic Ee/eereed+ " t says DGolgafrincham Ark ,leet$ )hi! &$ 'old )even$ Tele!hone )aniti/er )econd 0lass= 5 and a serial num"er+" "A tele!hone saniti/er>" said Arthur$ "a dead tele!hone saniti/er>" "&est kind+" "&ut what=s he doing here>"

,ord !eered through the to! at the figure within+ "?ot a lot$" he said$ and suddenly flashed one of those grins of his which always made !eo!le think he=d "een overdoing things recently and should try to get some rest+ 'e scam!ered over to another sarco!hagus+ A moment=s "risk towel work and he announced2 "This one=s a dead hairdresser+ 'oo!y@" The ne.t sarco!hagus revealed itself to "e the last resting !lace of an advertising account e.ecutive8 the one after that contained a second5hand car salesman$ third class+ An ins!ection hatch let into the floor suddenly caught ,ord=s attention$ and he s-uatted down to unfasten it$ thrashing away at the clouds of free/ing gas that threatened to envelo!e him+ A thought occurred to Arthur+ " f these are 7ust coffins$" he said$ "4hy are they ke!t so cold>" "*r$ indeed$ why are they ke!t anyway$" said ,ord tugging the hatchway o!en+ The gas !oured down through it+ "4hy in fact is anyone going to all the trou"le and e.!ense of carting five thousand dead "odies through s!ace>" "Ten thousand$" said Arthur$ !ointing at the archway through which the ne.t cham"er was dimly visi"le+ ,ord stuck his head down through the floor hatchway+ 'e looked u! again+ ",ifteen thousand$" he said$ "there=s another lot down there+" ",ifteen million$" said a voice+

"That=s a lot$" said ,ord$ "A lot a lot+" "Turn around slowly$" "arked the voice$ "and !ut your hands u!+ Any other move and "last you into tiny tiny "its+" "'ello>" said ,ord$ turning round slowly$ !utting his hands u! and not making any other move+ "4hy$" said Arthur Dent$ "isn=t anyone ever !leased to see us>" )tanding silhouetted in the doorway through which they had entered the vault was the man who wasn=t !leased to see them+ 'is dis!leasure was communicated !artly "y the "arking hectoring -uality of his voice and !artly "y the viciousness with which he waved a long silver #ill5*5 9a! gun at them+ The designer of the gun had clearly not "een instructed to "eat a"out the "ush+ "(ake it evil$" he=d "een told+ "(ake it totally clear that this gun has a right end and a wrong end+ (ake it totally clear to anyone standing at the wrong end that things are going "adly for them+ f that means sticking all sort of s!ikes and !rongs and "lackened "its all over it then so "e it+ This is not a gun for hanging over the fire!lace or sticking in the um"rella stand$ it is a gun for going out and making !eo!le misera"le with+" ,ord and Arthur looked at the gun unha!!ily+ The man with the gun moved from the door and circled round them+ As he came into the light they could see his "lack and gold uniform on which the "uttons were so highly !olished that they shone with an intensity that would have made an a!!roaching motorist flash his lights in annoyance+ 'e gestured at the door+

"*ut$" he said+ Peo!le who can su!!ly that amount of fire !ower don=t need to su!!ly ver"s as well+ ,ord and Arthur went out$ closely followed "y the wrong end of the #ill5*59a! gun and the "uttons+ Turning into the corridor they were 7ostled "y twenty5four oncoming 7oggers$ now showered and changed$ who swe!t on !ast them into the vault+ Arthur turned to watch them in confusion+ "(ove@" screamed their ca!tor+ Arthur moved+ ,ord shrugged and moved+ n the vault the 7oggers went to twenty5four em!ty sarco!hagi along the side wall$ o!ened them$ clim"ed in$ and fell into twenty5four dreamless slee!s+

0ha!ter :E

"Er$ ca!tain +++" "Aes$ ?um"er *ne>" "Just heard a sort of re!ort thingy from ?um"er Two+" "*h$ dear+"

'igh u! in the "ridge of the shi!$ the 0a!tain stared out into the infinite reaches of s!ace with mild irritation+ ,rom where he reclined "eneath a wide domed "u""le he could see "efore and a"ove them the vast !anorama of stars through which they were moving 5 a !anorama that had thinned out notica"ly during the course of the voyage+ Turning and looking "ackwards$ over the vast two5mile "ulk of the shi! he could see the far denser mass of stars "ehind them which seemed to form almost a solid "and+ This was the view through the Galactic centre from which they were travelling$ and indeed had "een travelling for years$ at a s!eed that he couldn=t -uite remem"er at the moment$ "ut he knew it was terri"ly fast+ t was something a!!roaching the s!eed of something or other$ or was it three times the s!eed of something else> Jolly im!ressive anyway+ 'e !eered into the "right distance "ehind the shi!$ looking for something+ 'e did this every few minutes or so$ "ut never found what he was looking for+ 'e didn=t let it worry him though+ The scientist cha!s had "een very insistent that everything was going to "e !erfectly alright !roviding no"ody !anicked and every"ody got on and did their "it in an orderly fashion+ 'e wasn=t !anicking+ As far as he was concerned everything was going s!lendidly+ 'e da""ed at his shoulder with a large frothy s!onge+ t cre!t "ack into his mind that he was feeling mildly irritated a"out something+ ?ow what was all that a"out> A slight cough alerted him to the fact that the shi!=s first officer was still standing near"y+

?ice cha!$ ?um"er *ne+ ?ot of the very "rightest$ had the odd s!ot of difficulty doing u! his shoe laces$ "ut 7olly good officer material for all that+ The 0a!tain wasn=t a man to kick a cha! when he was "ending over trying to do u! his shoe laces$ however long it took him+ ?ot like that ghastly ?um"er Two$ strutting a"out all over the !lace$ !olishing his "uttons$ issuing re!orts every hour2 ")hi!=s still moving$ 0a!tain+" ")till on course$ 0a!tain+" "*.ygen levels still "eing maintained$ 0a!tain+" "Give it a miss$" was the 0a!tain=s vote+ Ah yes$ that was the thing that had "een irritating him+ 'e !eered down at ?um"er *ne+ "Aes$ 0a!tain$ he was shouting something or other a"out having found some !risoners +++" The 0a!tain thought a"out this+ )eemed !retty unlikely to him$ "ut he wasn=t one to stand in his officers= way+ "4ell$ !erha!s that=ll kee! him ha!!y for a "it$" he said$ "'e=s always wanted some+" ,ord Prefect and Arthur Dent trudged onwards u! the shi!=s a!!arently endless corridors+ ?um"er Two marched "ehind them "arking the occasional order a"out not making any false moves or trying any funny stuff+ They seemed to have !assed at least a mile of continuous "rown hessian wall weave+ ,inally they reached a large steel door which slid o!en when ?um"er Two shouted at it+ They entered+

To the eyes of ,ord Prefect and Arthur Dent$ the most remarka"le thing a"out the shi!=s "ridge was not the fifty foot diameter hemis!herical dome which covered it$ and through which the da//ling dis!lay of stars shone down on them2 to !eo!le who have eaten at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe$ such wonders are common!lace+ ?or was it the "ewildering array of instruments that crowded the long circumferential wall around them+ To Arthur this was e.actly what s!aceshi!s were traditionally su!!osed to look like$ and to ,ord it looked thoroughly anti-uated2 it confirmed his sus!icions that Disaster Area=s stuntshi! had taken them "ack at least a million$ if not two million$ years "efore their own time+ ?o$ the thing that really caught them off "alance was the "ath+ The "ath stood on a si. foot !edestal of rough hewn "lue water crystal and was of a "aro-ue monstrosity not often seen outside the (a.imegalon (useum of Diseased maginings+ An intestinal 7um"le of !lum"ing had "een !icked out in gold leaf rather than decently "uried at midnight in an unmarked grave8 the ta!s and shower attachment would have made a gargoyle 7um!+ As the dominant centre!iece of a starshi! "ridge it was terri"ly wrong$ and it was with the em"ittered air of a man who knew this that ?um"er Two a!!roached it+ "0a!tain$ sir@" he shouted through clenched teeth 5 a difficult trick "ut he=d had years during which to !erfect it+ A large genial face and a genial foam covered arm !o!!ed u! a"ove the rim of the monstrous "ath+ "Ah$ hello$ ?um"er Two$" said the 0a!tain$ waving a cheery s!onge$ "having a nice day>" ?um"er Two sna!!ed even further to attention than he already was+

" have "rought you the !risoners located in free/er "ay seven$ sir@" he ya!!ed+ ,ord and Arthur coughed in confusion+ "Er +++ hello$" they said+ The 0a!tain "eamed at them+ )o ?um"er Two had really found some !risoners+ 4ell$ good for him$ thought the 0a!tain$ nice to see a cha! doing what he=s "est at+ "*h$ hello there$" he said to them$ "E.cuse me not getting u!$ having a -uick "ath+ 4ell$ 7ynnan tonny. all round then+ %ook in the fridge ?um"er one+" "0ertainly sir+" t is a curious fact$ and one to which no one knows -uite how much im!ortance to attach$ that something like KFO of all known worlds in the Gala.y$ "e they !rimitive or highly advanced$ have invented a drink called 7ynnan tonny.$ or gee5?=?5T=?5i.$ or 7inond5o5nicks$ or any one of a thousand or more variations on the same !honetic theme+ The drinks themselves are not the same$ and vary "etween the )ivolvian "chinantoMmnigs" which is ordinary water server at slightly a"ove room tem!erature$ and the Gagrakackan "t/7in5anthony5ks" which kills cows at a hundred !aces8 and in fact the one common factor "etween all of them$ "eyond the fact that the names sound the same$ is that they were all invented and named "efore the worlds concerned made contact with any other worlds+

4hat can "e made of this fact> t e.ists in total isolation+ As far as any theory of structural linguistics is concerned it is right off the gra!h$ and yet it !ersists+ *ld structural linguists get very angry when young structural linguists go on a"out it+ Aoung structural linguists get dee!ly e.cited a"out it and stay u! late at night convinced that they are very close to something of !rofound im!ortance$ and end u! "ecoming old structural linguists "efore their time$ getting very angry with the young ones+ )tructural linguistics is a "itterly divided and unha!!y disci!line$ and a large num"er of its !ractitioners s!end too many nights drowning their !ro"lems in *uisghian 9odahs+ ?um"er Two stood "efore the 0a!tain=s "athtu" trem"ling with frustration+ "Don=t you want to interrogate the !risoners sir>" he s-uealed+ The 0a!tain !eered at him in "emusement+ "4hy on Golgafrincham should want to do that>" he asked+ "To get information out of them$ sir@ To find out why they came here@" "*h no$ no$ no$" said the 0a!tain$ " e.!ect they 7ust dro!!ed in for a -uick 7ynnan tonny.$ don=t you>" "&ut sir$ they=re my !risoners@ must interrogate them@" The 0a!tain looked at them dou"tfully+ "*h all right$" he said$ "if you must+ Ask them what they want to drink+" A hard cold gleam came into ?um"er Two=s eyes+ 'e advanced slowly on ,ord Prefect and Arthur Dent+ "All right$ you scum$" he growled$ "you vermin +++" 'e 7a""ed ,ord with the #ill5*59a! gun+

")teady on$ ?um"er Two$" admonished the 0a!tain gently+ "4hat do you want to drink@@@" ?um"er Two screamed+ "4ell the 7ynnan tonny. sounds very nice to me$" said ,ord$ "4hat a"out you Arthur>" Arthur "linked+ "4hat> *h$ er$ yes$" he said+ "4ith ice or without>" "ellowed ?um"er Two+ "*h$ with !lease$" said ,ord+ "%emon>>@@" "Aes !lease$" said ,ord$ "and do you have any of those little "iscuits> Aou know$ the cheesy ones>" " =m asking the -uestions@@@@" howled ?um"er Two$ his "ody -uaking with a!o!lectic fury+ "Er$ ?um"er Two +++" said the 0a!tain softly+ ")ir>@" "Push off$ would you$ there=s a good cha!+ =m trying to have a rela.ing "ath+" ?um"er Two=s eyes narrowed and "ecame what are known in the )houting and #illing Peo!le trade as cold slits$ the idea !resuma"ly "eing to give your o!!onent the im!ression that you have lost your glasses or are having difficulty kee!ing awake+ 4hy this is frightening is an$ as yet$ unresolved !ro"lem+

'e advanced on the ca!tain$ his ;?um"er Two=s< mouth a thin hard line+ Again$ tricky to know why this is understood as fighting "ehaviour+ f$ whilst wandering through the 7ungle of Traal$ you were suddenly to come u!on the fa"led Ravenous &ug"latter &east$ you would have reason to "e grateful if its mouth was a thin hard line rather than$ as it usually is$ a ga!ing mass of slavering fangs+ "(ay remind you sir$" hissed ?um"er Two at the 0a!tain$ "that you have now "een in that "ath for over three years>@" This final shot delivered$ ?um"er Two s!un on his heel and stalked off to a corner to !ractise darting eye movements in the mirror+ The 0a!tain s-uirmed in his "ath+ 'e gave ,ord Prefect a lame smile+ "4ell you need to rela. a lot in a 7o" like mine$" he said+ ,ord slowly lowered his hands+ t !rovoked no reaction+ Arthur lowered his+ Treading very slowly and carefully$ ,ord moved over to the "ath !edestal+ 'e !atted it+ "?ice$" he lied+ 'e wondered if it was safe to grin+ 3ery slowly and carefully$ he grinned+ t was safe+ "Er +++" he said to the 0a!tain+ "Aes>" said the 0a!tain+ " wonder$" said ,ord$ "could ask you actually what your 7o" is in fact>" A hand ta!!ed him on the shoulder+ 'e s!an round+ t was the first officer+

"Aour drinks$" he said+ "Ah$ thank you$" said ,ord+ 'e and Arthur took their 7ynnan tonny.+ Arthur si!!ed his$ and was sur!rised to discover it tasted very like a whisky and soda+ " mean$ couldn=t hel! noticing$" said ,ord$ also taking a si!$ "the "odies+ n the hold+" "&odies>" said the 0a!tain in sur!rise+ ,ord !aused and thought to himself+ ?ever take anything for granted$ he thought+ 0ould it "e that the 0a!tain doesn=t know he=s got fifteen million dead "odies on his shi!> The 0a!tain was nodding cheerfully at him+ 'e also a!!eared to "e !laying with a ru""er duck+ ,ord looked around+ ?um"er Two was staring at him in the mirror$ "ut only for an instant2 his eyes were constantly on the move+ The first officer was 7ust standing there holding the drinks tray and smiling "enignly+ "&odies>" said the 0a!tain again+ ,ord licked his li!s+ "Aes$" he said$ "All those dead tele!hone saniti/ers and account e.ecutives$ you know$ down in the hold+" The 0a!tain stared at him+ )uddenly he threw "ack his head and laughed+ "*h they=re not dead$" he said$ "Good %ord no$ no they=re fro/en+ They=re going to "e revived+" ,ord did something he very rarely did+ 'e "linked+

Arthur seemed to come out of a trance+ "Aou mean you=ve got a hold full of fro/en hairdressers>" he said+ "*h yes$" said the 0a!tain$ "(illions of them+ 'airdressers$ tired T3 !roducers$ insurance salesmen$ !ersonnel officers$ security guards$ !u"lic relations e.ecutives$ management consultants$ you name them+ 4e=re going to coloni/e another !lanet+" ,ord wo""led very slightly+ "E.citing isn=t it>" said the 0a!tain+ "4hat$ with that lot>" said Arthur+ "Ah$ now don=t misunderstand me$" said the 0a!tain$ "we=re 7ust one of the shi!s in the Ark ,leet+ 4e=re the D&= Ark you see+ )orry$ could 7ust ask you to run a "it more hot water for me>" Arthur o"liged$ and a cascade of !ink frothy water swirled around the "ath+ The 0a!tain let out a sigh of !leasure+ "Thank you so much my dear fellow+ Do hel! yourselves to more drinks of course+" ,ord tossed down his drink$ took the "ottle from the first officer=s tray and refilled his glass to the to!+ "4hat$" he said$ "is a D&= Ark>" "This is$" said the 0a!tain$ and swished the foamy water around 7oyfully with the duck+ "Aes$" said ,ord$ ""ut +++"

"4ell what ha!!ened you see was$" said the 0a!tain$ "our !lanet$ the world from which we have come$ was$ so to s!eak$ doomed+" "Doomed>" "*h yes+ )o what everyone thought was$ let=s !ack the whole !o!ulation into some giant s!aceshi!s and go and settle on another !lanet+" 'aving told this much of his story$ he settled "ack with a satisfied grunt+ "Aou mean a less doomed one>" !romoted Arthur+ "4hat did you say dear fellow>" "A less doomed !lanet+ Aou were going to settle on+" "Are going to settle on$ yes+ )o it was decided to "uild three shi!s$ you see$ three Arks in )!ace$ and +++ =m not "oring you am >" "?o$ no$" said ,ord firmly$ "it=s fascinating+" "Aou know it=s delightful$" reflected the 0a!tain$ "to have someone else to talk to for a change+" ?um"er Two=s eyes darted feverishly a"out the room again and then settled "ack on the mirror$ like a !air of flies "riefly distracted from their favourite !rey of months old meat+ "Trou"le with a long 7ourney like this$" continued the 0a!tain$ "is that you end u! 7ust talking to yourself a lot$ which gets terri"ly "oring "ecause half the time you know what you=re going to say ne.t+" "*nly half the time>" asked Arthur in sur!rise+

The 0a!tain thought for a moment+ "Aes$ a"out half =d say+ Anyway 5 where=s the soa!>" 'e fished around and found it+ "Aes$ so anyway$" he resumed$ "the idea was that into the first shi!$ the DA= shi!$ would go all the "rilliant leaders$ the scientists$ the great artists$ you know$ all the achievers8 and into the third$ or D0= shi!$ would go all the !eo!le who did the actual work$ who made things and did things$ and then into the D&= shi! 5 that=s us 5 would go everyone else$ the middlemen you see+" 'e smiled ha!!ily at them+ "And we were sent off first$" he concluded$ and hummed a little "athing tune+ The little "athing tune$ which had "een com!osed for him "y one of his world=s most e.citing and !rolific 7ingle writer ;who was currently aslee! in hold thirty5si. some nine hundred yards "ehind them< covered what would otherwise have "een an awkward moment of silence+ ,ord and Arthur shuffled their feet and furiously avoided each other=s eyes+ "Er +++" said Arthur after a moment$ "what e.actly was it that was wrong with your !lanet then>" "*h$ it was doomed$ as said$" said the 0a!tain$ "A!!arently it was going to crash into the sun or something+ *r may"e it was that the moon was going to crash into us+ )omething of the kind+ A"solutely terrifying !ros!ect whatever it was+" "*h$" said the first officer suddenly$ " thought it was that the !lanet was going to "e invaded "y a gigantic swarm of twelve foot !iranha "ees+ 4asn=t that it>"

?um"er Two s!an around$ eyes a"la/e with a cold hard light that only comes with the amount of !ractise he was !re!ared to !ut in+ "That=s not what was told@" he hissed$ "(y commanding officer told me that the entire !lanet was in imminent danger of "eing eaten "y an enormous mutant star goat@" "*h really +++" said ,ord Prefect+ "Aes@ A monstrous creature from the !it of hell with scything teeth ten thousand miles long$ "reath that would "oil oceans$ claws that could tear continents from their roots$ a thousand eyes that "urned like the sun$ slavering 7aws a million miles across$ a monster such as you have never +++ never +++ ever +++" "And they made sure they sent you lot off first did they>" in-uired Arthur+ "*h yes$" said the 0a!tain$ "well everyone said$ very nicely thought$ that it was very im!ortant for morale to feel that they would "e arriving on a !lanet where they could "e sure of a good haircut and where the !hones were clean+" "*h yes$" agreed ,ord$ " can see that would "e very im!ortant+ And the other shi!s$ er +++ they followed on after you did they>" ,or a moment the 0a!tain did not answer+ 'e twisted round in his "ath and ga/ed "ackwards over the huge "ulk of the shi! towards the "right galactic centre+ 'e s-uinted into the inconceiva"le distance+ "Ah+ 4ell it=s funny you should say that$" he said and allowed himself a slight frown at ,ord Prefect$ ""ecause curiously enough we haven=t heard a !ee! out of them since we left five years ago +++ "ut they must "e "ehind us somewhere+"

'e !eered off into the distance again+ ,ord !eered with him and gave a thoughtful frown+ "Unless of course$" he said softly$ "they were eaten "y the goat +++"

"Ah yes +++" said the 0a!tain with a slight hesitancy cree!ing into his voice$ "the goat +++" 'is eyes !assed over the solid sha!es of the instruments and com!uters that lined the "ridge+ They winked away innocently at him+ 'e stared out at the stars$ "ut none of them said a word+ 'e glanced at his first and second officers$ "ut they seemed lost in their own thoughts for a moment+ 'e glanced at ,ord Prefect who raised his eye"rows at him+ " t=s a funny thing you know$" said the 0a!tain at last$ ""ut now that actually come to tell the story to someone else +++ mean does it strike you as odd ?um"er Two>" "Errrrrrrrrrrr +++" said ?um"er Two+ "4ell$" said ,ord$ " can see that you=ve got a lot of things you=re going to talk a"out$ so$ thanks for the drinks$ and if you could sort of dro! us off at the nearest convenient !lanet +++" "Ah$ well that=s a little difficult you see$" said the 0a!tain$ ""ecause our tra7ectory thingy was !reset "efore we left Golgafrincham$ think !artly "ecause =m not very good with figures +++" "Aou mean we=re stuck here on this shi!>" e.claimed ,ord suddenly losing !atience with the whole charade$ "4hen are you meant to "e reaching this !lanet you=re meant to "e coloni/ing>"

"*h$ we=re nearly there think$" said the 0a!tain$ "any second now+ t=s !ro"a"ly time was getting out of this "ath in fact+ *h$ don=t know though$ why sto! 7ust when =m en7oying it>" ")o we=re actually going to land in a minute>" "4ell not so much land$ in fact$ not actually land as such$ no +++ er +++" "4hat are you talking a"out>" said ,ord shar!ly+ "4ell$" said the 0a!tain$ !icking his way through the words carefully$ " think as far as can remem"er we were !rogrammed to crash on it+" "0rash>" shouted ,ord and Arthur+ "Er$ yes$" said the 0a!tain$ "yes$ it=s all !art of the !lan think+ There was a terri"ly good reason for it which can=t -uite remem"er at the moment+ t was something to with +++ er +++"

,ord e.!loded+ "Aou=re a load of useless "loody loonies@" he shouted+ "Ah yes$ that was it$" "eamed the 0a!tain$ "that was the reason+"

0ha!ter :F

The 'itch 'iker=s Guide to the Gala.y has this to say a"out the !lanet of Golgafrincham2 t is a !lanet with an ancient and mysterious history$ rich in legend$ red$ and occasionally green with the "lood of those who sought in times gone "y to con-uer her8 a land of !arched and "arren landsca!es$ of sweet and sultry air heady with the scent of the !erfumed s!rings that trickle over its hot and dusty rocks and nourish the dark and musty lichens "eneath8 a land of fevered "rows and into.icated imaginings$ !articularly amongst those who taste the lichens8 a land also of cool and shaded thoughts amongst those who have learnt to forswear the lichens and find a tree to sit "eneath8 a land also of steel and "lood and heroism8 a land of the "ody and of the s!irit+ This was its history+ And in all this ancient and mysterious history$ the most mysterious figures of all were without dou"t those of the Great 0ircling Poets of Arium+ These 0ircling Poets used to live in remote mountain !asses where they would lie in wait for small "ands of unwary travellers$ circle round them$ and throw rocks at them+ And when the travellers cried out$ saying why didn=t they go away and get on with writing some !oems instead of !estering !eo!le with all this rock5throwing "usiness$ they would suddenly sto!$ and then "reak into one of the seven hundred and ninety5four great )ong 0ycles of 3assilian+ These songs were all of e.traordinary "eauty$ and even more e.traordinary length$ and all fell into e.actly the same !attern+

The first !art of each song would tell how there once went forth from the 0ity of 3assilian a !arty of five sage !rinces with four horses+ The !rinces$ who are of course "rave$ no"le and wise$ travel widely in distant lands$ fought giant ogres$ !ursue e.otic !hiloso!hies$ take tea with weird gods and rescue "eautiful monsters from ravening !rincesses "efore finally announcing that they have achieved enlightenment and that their wanderings are therefore accom!lished+ The second$ and much longer$ !art of each song would then tell of all their "ickerings a"out which one of them is going to have to walk "ack+ All this lay in the !lanet=s remote !ast+ t was$ however$ a descendant of one of these eccentric !oets who invented the s!urious tales of im!ending doom which ena"led the !eo!le of Golgafrincham to rid themselves of an entire useless third of their !o!ulation+ The other two5 thirds stayed firmly at home and lived full$ rich and ha!!y lives until they were all suddenly wi!ed out "y a virulent disease contracted from a dirty tele!hone+

0ha!ter :G

That night the shi! crash5landed on to an utterly insignificant little green5"lue !lanet which circled a small unregarded yellow sun in the uncharted "ackwaters of the unfashiona"le end of the 4estern s!iral arm of the Gala.y+

n the hours !receding the crash ,ord Prefect had fought furiously "ut in vain to unlock the controls of the shi! from their !re5ordained flight !ath+ t had -uickly "ecome a!!arent to him that the shi! had "een !rogrammed to convey its !ayload safely$ in uncomforta"ly$ to its new home "ut to cri!!le itself "eyond re!air in the !rocess+ ts screaming$ "la/ing descent through the atmos!here had stri!!ed away most of its su!erstructure and outer shielding$ and its final inglorious "ellyflo! into a murky swam! had left its crew only a few hours of darkness during which to revive and offload its dee!5fro/en and unwanted cargo for the shi! "egan to settle almost at once$ slowly u!ending its gigantic "ulk in the stagnant slime+ *nce or twice during the night it was starkly silhouetted against the sky as "urning meteors 5 the detritus of its descent 5 flashed across the sky+ n the grey !re5dawn light it let out an o"scene roaring gurgle and sank for ever into the stinking de!ths+ 4hen the sun came u! that morning it shed its thin watery light over a vast area heaving with wailing hairdressers$ !u"lic relations e.ecutives$ o!inion !ollsters and the rest$ all clawing their way des!erately to dry land+ A less strong minded sun would !ro"a"ly have gone straight "ack down again$ "ut it continued to clim" its way through the sky and after a while the influence of its warming rays "egan to have some restoring effect on the fee"ly struggling creatures+ 0ountless num"ers had$ unsur!risingly$ "een lost to the swam! in the night$ and millions more had "een sucked down with the shi!$ "ut those that survived still num"ered hundreds of thousands and as the day wore on they crawled out over the surrounding countryside$ each looking for a few s-uare feet of solid ground on which to colla!se and recover from their nightmare ordeal+

Two figures moved further afield+ ,rom a near"y hillside ,ord Prefect and Arthur Dent watched the horror of which they could not feel a !art+ ",ilthy dirty trick to !ull$" muttered Arthur+ ,ord scra!ed a stick along the ground and shrugged+ "An imaginative solution to a !ro"lem =d have thought$" he said+ "4hy can=t !eo!le 7ust learn to live together in !eace and harmony>" said Arthur+ ,ord gave a loud$ very hollow laugh+ ",orty5two@" he said with a malicious grin$ "?o$ doesn=t work+ ?ever mind+" Arthur looked at him as if he=d gone mad and$ seeing nothing to indicate the contrary$ reali/ed that it would "e !erfectly reasona"le to assume that this had in fact ha!!ened+ "4hat do you think will ha!!en to them all>" he said after a while+ " n an infinite Universe anything can ha!!en$" said ,ord$ "Even survival+ )trange "ut true+" A curious look came into his eyes as they !assed over the landsca!e and then settles again on the scene of misery "elow them+ " think they=ll manage for a while$" he said+ Arthur looked u! shar!ly+

"4hy do you say that>" he said+ ,ord shrugged+ "Just a hunch$" he said$ and refused to "e drawn to any further -uestions+ "%ook$" he said suddenly+ Arthur followed his !ointing finger+ Down amongst the s!rawling masses a figure was moving 5 or !erha!s lurching would "e a more accurate descri!tion+ 'e a!!eared to "e carrying something on his shoulder+ As he lurched from !rostrate form to !rostrate form he seemed to wave whatever the something was at them in a drunken fashion+ After a while he gave u! the struggle and colla!sed in a hea!+ Arthur had no idea what this was meant to mean to him+ "(ovie camera$" said ,ord+ "Recording the historic movement+" "4ell$ don=t know a"out you$" said ,ord again after a moment$ ""ut =m off+" 'e sat a while in silence+ After a while this seemed to re-uire comment+ "Er$ when you say you=re off$ what do you mean e.actly>" said Arthur+ "Good -uestion$" said ,ord$ " =m getting total silence+"

%ooking over his shoulder Arthur saw that he was twiddling with kno"s on a small "o.+ ,ord had already introduced this "o. as a )u"5Etha )ens5*5(atic$ "ut Arthur had merely nodded a"sently and not !ursued the matter+ n his mind the Universe still divided into two !arts 5 the Earth$ and everything else+ The Earth having "een demolished to make way for a new hy!ers!ace "y!ass meant that this view of things was a little lo!sided$ "ut Arthur tended to cling to that lo!sidedness as "eing his last remaining contact with his home+ )u"5Etha )ens5*5(atics "elonged firmly in the "everything else" category+ "?ot a sausage$" said ,ord$ shaking the thing+ )ausage$ thought Arthur to himself as he ga/ed listlessly at the !rimitive world a"out him$ what wouldn=t give for a good Earth sausage+ "4ould you "elieve$" said ,ord in e.as!eration$ "that there are no transmissions of any kind within light years of this "enighted ti!> Are you listening to me>" "4hat>" said Arthur+ "4e=re in trou"le$" said ,ord+ "*h$" said Arthur+ This sounded like month5old news to him+ "Until we !ick u! anything on this machine$" said ,ord$ "our chances of getting off this !lanet are /ero+ t may "e some freak standing wave effect in the !lanet=s magnetic field 5 in which case we 7ust travel round and round till we find a clear rece!tion area+ 0oming>" 'e !icked u! his gear and strode off+ Arthur looked down the hill+ The man with the movie camera had struggled "ack u! to his feet 7ust in time to film one of his colleagues colla!sing+

Arthur !icked a "lade of grass and strode off after ,ord+

0ha!ter :H

" trust you had a !leasant meal>" said 9arniwoo! to 9a!hod and Trillian as they remateriali/ed on the "ridge of the starshi! 'eart of Gold and lay !anting on the floor+ 9a!hod o!ened some eyes and glowered at him+ "Aou$" he s!at+ 'e staggered to his feet and stom!ed off to find a chair to slum! into+ 'e found one and slum!ed into it+ " have !rogrammed the com!uter with the m!ro"a"ility 0oordinates !ertinent to our 7ourney$" said 9arniwoo!$ "we will arrive there very shortly+ (eanwhile$ why don=t you rela. and !re!are yourself for the meeting>" 9a!hod said nothing+ 'e got u! again and marched over to a small ca"inet from which he !ulled a "ottle of old Jan. s!irit+ 'e took a long !ull at it+ "And when this is all done$" said 9a!hod savagely$ "it=s done$ alright> =m free to go and do what the hell like and lie on "eaches and stuff>" " t de!ends what trans!ires from the meeting$" said 9arniwoo!+

"9a!hod$ who is this man>" said Trillian shakily$ wo""ling to her feet$ "4hat=s he doing here> 4hy=s he on our shi!>" "'e=s a very stu!id man$" said 9a!hod$ "who wants to meet the man who rules the Universe+" "Ah$" said Trillian taking the "ottle from 9a!hod and hel!ing herself$ "a social clim"er+"

0ha!ter :K

The ma7or !ro"lem 5 one of the ma7or !ro"lems$ for there are several 5 one of the many ma7or !ro"lems with governing !eo!le is that of whom you get to do it8 or rather of who manages to get !eo!le to let them do it to them+ To summari/e2 it is a well known fact$ that those !eo!le who most want to rule !eo!le are$ i!so facto$ those least suited to do it+ To summari/e the summary2 anyone who is ca!a"le of getting themselves made President should on no account "e allowed to do the 7o"+ To summari/e the summary of the summary2 !eo!le are a !ro"lem+ And so this is the situation we find2 a succession of Galactic Presidents who so much en7oy the fun and !alaver of "eing in !ower that they very rarely notice that they=re not+ And somewhere in the shadows "ehind them 5 who> 4ho can !ossi"ly rule if no one who wants to do it can "e allowed to>

0ha!ter :L

*n a small o"scure world somewhere in the middle of nowhere in !articular 5 nowhere$ that is$ that could ever "e found$ since it is !rotected "y a vast field of un!ro"a"ility to which only si. men in this gala.y have a key 5 it was raining+ t was "ucketing down$ and had "een for hours+ t "eat the to! of the sea into a mist$ it !ounded the trees$ it churned and slo!!ed a stretch of scru""y land near the sea into a mud"ath+ The rain !elted and danced on the corrugated iron roof of the small shack that stood in the middle of this !atch of scru""y land+ t o"literated the small rough !athway that led from the shack down to the seashore and smashed a!art the neat !iles of interesting shells which had "een !laced there+ The noise of the rain on the roof of the shack was deafening within$ "ut went largely unnoticed "y its occu!ant$ whose attention was otherwise engaged+ 'e was a tall sham"ling man with rough straw5coloured hair that was dam! from the leaking roof+ 'is clothes were sha""y$ his "ack was hunched$ and his eyes$ though o!en$ seemed closed+ n his shack was an old "eaten5u! armchair$ an old scratched ta"le$ an old mattress$ some cushions and a stove that was small "ut warm+

There was also an old and slightly weather"eaten cat$ and this was currently the focus of the man=s attention+ 'e "ent his sham"ling form over it+ "Pussy$ !ussy$ !ussy$" he said$ "coochicoochicoochicoo +++ !ussy want his fish> ?ice !iece of fish +++ !ussy want it>" The cat seemed undecided on the matter+ t !awed rather condescendingly at the !iece of fish the man was holding out$ and then got distracted "y a !iece of dust on the floor+ "Pussy not eat his fish$ !ussy get thin and waste away$ think$" said the man+ Dou"t cre!t into his voice+ " imagine this is what will ha!!en$" he said$ ""ut how can tell>" 'e !roffered the fish again+ "Pussy think$" he said$ "eat fish or not eat fish+ think it is "etter if don=t get involved+" 'e sighed+ " think fish is nice$ "ut then think that rain is wet$ so who am to 7udge>" 'e left the fish on the floor for the cat$ and retired to his seat+ "Ah$ seem to see you eating it$" he said at last$ as the cat e.hausted the entertainment !ossi"ilities of the s!eck of dust and !ounced on to the fish+ " like it when see you eat the fish$" said the man$ ""ecause in my mind you will waste away if you don=t+"

'e !icked u! from the ta"le a !iece of !a!er and the stu" of a !encil+ 'e held one in one hand and the other in the other$ and e.!erimented with the different ways of "ringing them together+ 'e tried holding the !encil under the !a!er$ then over the !a!er$ then ne.t to the !a!er+ 'e tried wra!!ing the !a!er round the !encil$ he tried ru""ing the stu""y end of the !encil against the !a!er and then he tried ru""ing the shar! end of the !encil against the !a!er+ t made a mark$ and he was delighted with the discovery$ as he was every day+ 'e !icked u! another !iece of !a!er from the ta"le+ This had a crossword on it+ 'e studied it "riefly and filled in a cou!le of clues "efore losing interest+ 'e tried sitting on one of his hands and was intrigued "y the feel of the "ones of his hi!+ ",ish come from far away$" he said$ "or so =m told+ *r so imagine =m told+ 4hen the men come$ or when in my mind the men come in their si. "lack shi!s$ do they come in your mind too> 4hat do you see !ussy>" 'e looked at the cat$ which was more concerned with getting the fish down as ra!idly as !ossi"le than it was with these s!eculations+ "And when hear their -uestions$ do you hear -uestions> 4hat do their voices mean to you> Perha!s you 7ust think they=re singing songs to you+" 'e reflected on this$ and saw the flaw in the su!!osition+ "Perha!s they are singing songs to you$" he said$ "and think they=re asking me -uestions+" 7ust

'e !aused again+ )ometimes he would !ause for days$ 7ust to see what it was like+

"Do you think they came today>" he said$ " do+ There=s mud on the floor$ cigarettes and whisky on the ta"le$ fish on a !late for you and a memory of them in my mind+ 'ardly conclusive evidence know$ "ut then all evidence is circumstantial+ And look what else they=ve left me+" 'e reached over to the ta"le and !ulled some things off it+ "0rosswords$ dictionaries$ and a calculator+" 'e !layed with the calculator for an hour$ whilst the cat went to slee! and the rain outside continued to !our+ Eventually he !ut the calculator aside+ " think must "e right in thinking they ask me -uestions$" he said$ "To come all that way and leave all these things for the !rivilege of singing songs to you would "e very strange "ehaviour+ *r so it seems to me+ 4ho can tell$ who can tell+" ,rom the ta"le he !icked u! a cigarette and lit it with a s!ill from the stove+ 'e inhaled dee!ly and sat "ack+ " think saw another shi! in the sky today$" he said at last+ "A "ig white one+ =ve never seen a "ig white one$ 7ust the si. "lack ones+ And the si. green ones+ And the others who say they come from so far away+ ?ever a "ig white one+ Perha!s si. small "lack ones can look like one "ig white one at certain times+ Perha!s would like a glass of whisky+ Aes$ that seems more likely+" 'e stood u! and found a glass that was lying on the floor "y the mattress+ 'e !oured in a measure from his whisky "ottle+ 'e sat again+ "Perha!s some other !eo!le are coming to see me$" he said+ A hundred yards away$ !elted "y the torrential rain$ lay the 'eart of Gold+

ts hatchway o!ened$ and three figures emerged$ huddling into themselves to kee! the rain off their faces+ " n there>" shouted Trillian a"ove the noise of the rain+ "Aes$" said 9arniwoo!+ "That shack>" "Aes+" "4eird$" said 9a!hod+ "&ut it=s in the middle of nowhere$" said Trillian$ "we must have come to the wrong !lace+ Aou can=t rule the Universe from a shack+" They hurried through the !ouring rain$ and arrived$ wet through$ at the door+ They knocked+ They shivered+ The door o!ened+ "'ello>" said the man+ "Ah$ e.cuse me$" said 9arniwoo!$ " have reason to "elieve +++" "Do you rule the Universe>" said 9a!hod+ The man smiled at him+ " try not to$" he said$ "Are you wet>" 9a!hod looked at him in astonishment+ "4et>" he cried$ "Doesn=t it look as if we=re wet>" "That=s how it looks to me$" said the man$ ""ut how you feel a"out it might "e an altogether different matter+ f you feel warmth makes you dry$ you=d "etter come in+" They went in+

They looked around the tiny shack$ 9arniwoo! with slight distaste$ Trillian with interest$ 9a!hod with delight+ "'ey$ er +++" said 9a!hod$ "what=s your name>" The man looked at them dou"tfully+ " don=t know+ 4hy$ do you think should have one> t seems very odd to give a "undle of vague sensory !erce!tions a name+" 'e invited Trillian to sit in the chair+ 'e sat on the edge of the chair$ 9arniwoo! leaned stiffly against the ta"le and 9a!hod lay on the mattress+ "4owee@" said 9a!hod$ "the seat of !ower@" 'e tickled the cat+ "%isten$" said 9arniwoo!$ " must ask you some -uestions+" "Alright$" said the man kindly$ "you can sing to my cat if you like+" "4ould he like that>" asked 9a!hod+ "Aou=d "etter ask him$" said the man+ "Does he talk>" said 9a!hod+ " have no memory of him talking$" said the man$ ""ut very unrelia"le+" 9arniwoo! !ulled some notes out of a !ocket+ "?ow$" he said$ "you do rule the Universe$ do you>" "'ow can tell>" said the man+ 9arniwoo! ticked off a note on the !a!er+ "'ow long have you "een doing this>" am

"Ah$" said the man$ "this is a -uestion a"out the !ast is it>" 9arniwoo! looked at him in !u//lement+ This wasn=t e.actly what he had "een e.!ecting+ "Aes$" he said+ "'ow can tell$" said the man$ "that the !ast isn=t a fiction designed to account for the discre!ancy "etween my immediate !hysical sensations and my state of mind>" 9arniwoo! stared at him+ The steam "egan to rise from his sodden clothes+ ")o you answer all -uestions like this>" he said+ The man answered -uickly+ " say what it occurs to me to say when think hear !eo!le say things+ (ore cannot say+" 9a!hod laughed ha!!ily+ " =ll drink to that$" he said and !ulled out the "ottle of Jan. s!irit+ 'e lea!ed u! and handed the "ottle to the ruler of the Universe$ who took it with !leasure+ "Good on you$ great ruler$" he said$ "tell it like it is+" "?o$ listen to me$" said 9arniwoo!$ "!eo!le come to you do they> n shi!s +++" " think so$" said the man+ 'e handed the "ottle to Trillian+ "And they ask you$" said 9arniwoo!$ "to take decisions for them> A"out !eo!le=s lives$ a"out worlds$ a"out economies$ a"out wars$ a"out everything going on out there in the Universe>"

"*ut there>" said the man$ "out where>" "*ut there@" said 9arniwoo! !ointing at the door+ "'ow can you tell there=s anything out there$" said the man !olitely$ "the door=s closed+" The rain continued to !ound the roof+ nside the shack it was warm+ "&ut you know there=s a whole Universe out there@" cried 9arniwoo!+ "Aou can=t dodge your res!onsi"ilities "y saying they don=t e.ist@" The ruler of the Universe thought for a long while whilst 9arniwoo! -uivered with anger+ "Aou=re very sure of your facts$" he said at last$ " couldn=t trust the thinking of a man who takes the Universe 5 if there is one 5 for granted+" 9arniwoo! still -uivered$ "ut was silent+ " only decide a"out my Universe$" continued the man -uietly+ "(y Universe is my eyes and my ears+ Anything else is hearsay+" "&ut don=t you "elieve in anything>" The man shrugged and !icked u! his cat+ " don=t understand what you mean$" he said+ "Aou don=t understand that what you decide in this shack of yours affects the lives and fates of millions of !eo!le> This is all monstrously wrong@"

" don=t know+ =ve never met all these !eo!le you s!eak of+ And neither$ sus!ect$ have you+ They only e.ist in words we hear+ t is folly to say you know what is ha!!ening to other !eo!le+ *nly they know$ if they e.ist+ They have their own Universes of their own eyes and ears+" Trillian said2 " think =m 7ust !o!!ing outside for a moment+" )he left and walked into the rain+ "Do you "elieve other !eo!le e.ist>" insisted 9arniwoo!+ " have no o!inion+ 'ow can say>" " =d "etter see what=s u! with Trillian$" said 9a!hod and sli!!ed out+ *utside$ he said to her2 " think the Universe is in !retty good hands$ yeah>" "3ery good$" said Trillian+ They walked off into the rain+ nside$ 9arniwoo! continued+ "&ut don=t you understand that !eo!le live or die on your word>" The ruler of the Universe waited for as long as he could+ 4hen he heard the faint sound of the shi!=s engines starting he s!oke to cover it+ " t=s nothing to do with me$" he said$ " am not involved with !eo!le+ The %ord knows am not a cruel man+" "Ah@" "arked 9arniwoo!$ "you say DThe %ord=+ Aou "elieve in something@"

"(y cat$" said the man "enignly$ !icking it u! and stroking it$ " call him The %ord+ am kind to him+" "Alright$" said 9arniwoo!$ !ressing home his !oint$ "'ow do you know he e.ists> 'ow do you know he knows you to "e kind$ or en7oys what he thinks of as your kindness>" " don=t$" said the man with a smile$ " have no idea+ t merely !leases me to "ehave in a certain way to what a!!ears to "e a cat+ Do you "ehave any differently> Please$ think am tired+" 9arniwoo! heaved a thoroughly dissatisfied sigh and looked a"out+ "4here are the other two>" he said suddenly+ "4hat other two>" said the ruler of the Universe$ settling "ack into his chair and refilling his whisky glass+ "&ee"le"ro. and the girl@ The two who were here@" " remem"er no one+ The !ast is a fiction to account for +++" ")tuff it$" sna!!ed 9arniwoo! and ran out into the rain+ There was no shi!+ The rain continued to churn the mud+ There was no sign to show where the shi! had "een+ 'e hollered into the rain+ 'e turned and ran "ack to the shack and found it locked+ The ruler of the Universe do/ed lightly in his chair+ After a while he !layed with the !encil and the !a!er again and was delighted when he discovered how to make a mark with the one on the other+ 3arious noises continued outside$ "ut he didn=t know whether they were real or not+ 'e then talked to his ta"le for a week to see how it would react+

0ha!ter BC

The stars came out that night$ da//ling in their "rilliance and clarity+ ,ord and Arthur had walked more miles than they had any means of 7udging and finally sto!!ed to rest+ The night was cool and "almy$ the air !ure$ the )u"5Etha )ens+*+(atic totally silent+ A wonderful stillness hung over the world$ a magical calm which com"ined with the soft fragrances of the woods$ the -uiet chatter of insects and the "rilliant light of the stars to soothe their 7angled s!irits+ Even ,ord Prefect$ who had seen more worlds than he could count on a long afternoon$ was moved to wonder if this was the most "eautiful he had ever seen+ All that day they had !assed through rolling green hills and valleys$ richly covered with grasses$ wild scented flowers and tall thickly leaved trees$ the sun had warmed them$ light "ree/es had ke!t them cool$ and ,ord Prefect had checked his )u"5Etha )ens5*5(atic at less and less fre-uent intervals$ and had e.hi"ited less and less annoyance at its continued silence+ 'e was "eginning to think he liked it here+ 0ool though the night air was they sle!t soundly and comforta"ly in the o!en and awoke a few hours later with the light dewfall feeling refreshed "ut hungry+ ,ord had stuffed some small rolls into his satchel at (illiways and they "reakfasted off those "efore moving on+ )o far they had wandered !urely at random$ "ut now they struck out firmly eastwards$ feeling that if they were going to e.!lore this world they should have some clear idea of where they had come from and where they were going+

)hortly "efore noon they had their first indication that the world they had landed on was not an uninha"ited one2 a half glim!sed face amongst the trees$ watching them+ t vanished at the moment they "oth saw it$ "ut the image they were "oth left with was of a humanoid creature$ curious to see them "ut not alarmed+ 'alf an hour later they glim!sed another such face$ and ten minutes after that another+ A minute later they stum"led into a wide clearing and sto!!ed short+ &efore them in the middle of the clearing stood a grou! of a"out two do/en men and women+ They stood still and -uiet facing ,ord and Arthur+ Around some of the women huddled some small children and "ehind the grou! was a ramshackle array of small dwellings made of mud and "ranches+ ,ord and Arthur held their "reath+ The tallest of the men stood a little over five feet high$ they all stoo!ed forward slightly$ had longish arms and lowish foreheads$ and clear "right eyes with which they stared intently at the strangers+ )eeing that they carried no wea!ons and made no move towards them$ ,ord and Arthur rela.ed slightly+ ,or a while the two grou!s sim!ly stared at each other$ neither side making any move+ The natives seemed !u//led "y the intruders$ and whilst they showed no sign of aggression they were -uite clearly not issuing any invitations+ ,or a full two minutes nothing continued to ha!!en+ After two minutes ,ord decided it was time something ha!!ened+

"'ello$" he said+ The women drew their children slightly closer to them+ The men made hardly any discerni"le move and yet their whole dis!osition made it clear that the greeting was not welcome 5 it was not resented in any great degree$ it was 7ust not welcome+ *ne of the men$ who had "een standing slightly forward of the rest of the grou! and who might therefore have "een their leader$ ste!!ed forward+ 'is face was -uiet and calm$ almost serene+ "Ugghhhuuggghhhrrrr uh uh ruh uurgh$" he said -uietly+ This caught Arthur "y sur!rise+ 'e had grown so used to receiving an instantaneous and unconscious translation of everything he heard via the &a"el ,ish lodged in his ear that he had ceased to "e aware of it$ and he was only reminded of its !resence now "y the fact that it didn=t seem to "e working+ 3ague shadows of meaning had flickered at the "ack of his mind$ "ut there was nothing he could get any firm gras! on+ 'e guessed$ correctly as it ha!!ens$ that these !eo!le had as yet evolved no more than the "arest rudiments of language$ and that the &a"el ,ish was therefore !owerless to hel!+ 'e glanced at ,ord$ who was infinitely more e.!erienced in these matters+ " think$" said ,ord out of the corner of his mouth$ "he=s asking us if we=d mind walking on round the edge of the village+" A moment later$ a gesture from the man5creature seemed to confirm this+ "Ruurgggghhhh urrgggh8 urgh urgh ;uh ruh< rruurruuh ug$" continued the man5creature+

"The general gist$" said ,ord$ "as far as can make out$ is that we are welcome to continue our 7ourney in any way we like$ "ut if we would walk round his village rather than through it it would make them all very ha!!y+" ")o what do we do>" " think we make them ha!!y$" said ,ord+ )lowly and watchfully they walked round the !erimeter of the clearing+ This seemed to go down very well with the natives who "owed to them very slightly and then went a"out their "usiness+ ,ord and Arthur continued their 7ourney through the wood+ A few hundred yards !ast the clearing they suddenly came u!on a small !ile of fruit lying in their !ath 5 "erries that looked remarka"ly like ras!"erries and "lack"erries$ and !ul!y$ green skinned fruit that looked remarka"ly like !ears+ )o far they had steered clear of the fruit and "erries they had seen$ though the trees and "ushed were laden with them+ "%ook at it this way$" ,ord Prefect had said$ "fruit and "erries on strange !lanets either make you live or make you die+ Therefore the !oint at which to start toying with them is when you=re going to die if you don=t+ That way you stay ahead+ The secret of healthy hitch5hiking is to eat 7unk food+" They looked at the !ile that lay in their !ath with sus!icion+ t looked so good it made them almost di//y with hunger+ "%ook at it this way$" said ,ord$ "er +++" "Aes>" said Arthur+ " =m trying to think of a way of looking at it which means we get to eat it$" said ,ord+

The leaf5da!!led sun gleamed on the !ul! skins of the things which looked like !ears+ The things which looked like ras!"erries and straw"erries were fatter and ri!er than any Arthur had ever seen$ even in ice cream commercials+ "4hy don=t we eat them and think a"out it afterwards>" he said+ "(ay"e that=s what they want us to do+" "Alright$ look at it this way +++" ")ounds good so far+" " t=s there for us to eat+ Either it=s good or it=s "ad$ either they want to feed us or to !oison us+ f it=s !oisonous and we don=t eat it they=ll 7ust attack us some other way+ f we don=t eat$ we lose out either way+" " like the way you=re thinking$" said ,ord$ "?ow eat one+" 'esitantly$ Arthur !icked u! one of those things that looked like !ears+ " always thought that a"out the Garden of Eden story$" said ,ord+ "Eh>" "Garden of Eden+ Tree+ A!!le+ That "it$ remem"er>" "Aes of course do+" "Aour God !erson !uts an a!!le tree in the middle of a garden and says do what you like guys$ oh$ "ut don=t eat the a!!le+ )ur!rise sur!rise$ they eat it and he lea!s out from "ehind a "ush shouting DGotcha=+ t wouldn=t have made any difference if they hadn=t eaten it+" "4hy not>"

"&ecause if you=re dealing with some"ody who has the sort of mentality which likes leaving hats on the !avement with "ricks under them you know !erfectly well they won=t give u!+ They=ll get you in the end+" "4hat are you talking a"out>" "?ever mind$ eat the fruit+" "Aou know$ this !lace almost looks like the Garden of Eden+" "Eat the fruit+" ")ounds -uite like it too+" Arthur took a "ite from the thing which looked like a !ear+ " t=s a !ear$" he said+ A few moments later$ when they had eaten the lot$ ,ord Prefect turned round and called out+ "Thank you+ Thank you very much$" he called$ "you=re very kind+" They went on their way+ ,or the ne.t fifty miles of their 7ourney eastward they ke!t on finding the occasional gift of fruit lying in their !ath$ and though they once or twice had a -uick glim!se of a native man5creature amongst the trees$ they never again made direct contact+ They decided they rather liked a race of !eo!le who made it clear that they were grateful sim!ly to "e left alone+ The fruit and "erries sto!!ed after fifty miles$ "ecause that was where the sea started+

'aving no !ressing calls on their time they "uilt a raft and crossed the sea+ t was reasona"ly calm$ only a"out si.ty miles wide and they had a reasona"ly !leasant crossing$ landing in a country that was at least as "eautiful as the one they had left+ %ife was$ in short$ ridiculously easy and for a while at least they were a"le to co!e with the !ro"lems of aimlessness and isolation "y deciding to ignore them+ 4hen the craving for com!any "ecame too great they would know where to find it$ "ut for the moment they were ha!!y to feel that the Golgafrinchans were hundreds of miles "ehind them+ ?evertheless$ ,ord Prefect "egan to use his )u"5Etha )ens5*5 (atic more often again+ *nly once did he !ick u! a signal$ "ut that was so faint and from such enormous distance that it de!ressed him more than the silence that had otherwise continued un"roken+ *n a whim they turned northwards+ After weeks of travelling they came to another sea$ "uilt another raft and crossed it+ This time it was harder going$ the climate was getting colder+ Arthur sus!ected a streak of masochism in ,ord Prefect 5 the increasing difficulty of the 7ourney seemed to give him a sense of !ur!ose that was otherwise lacking+ 'e strode onwards relentlessly+ Their 7ourney northwards "rought them into stee! mountainous terrain of "reathtaking swee! and "eauty+ The vast$ 7agged$ snow covered !eaks ravished their senses+ The cold "egan to "ite into their "ones+ They wra!!ed themselves in animal skins and furs which ,ord Prefect ac-uired "y a techni-ue he once learned from a cou!le of e.5Pralite monks running a (ind5)urfing resort in the 'ills of 'unian+

The gala.y is littered with e.5Pralite monks$ all on the make$ "ecause the mental control techni-ues the *rder have evolved as a form of devotional disci!line are$ frankly$ sensational 5 and e.traordinary num"ers of monks leave the *rder 7ust after they have finished their devotional training and 7ust "efore they take their final vows to stay locked in small metal "o.es for the rest of their lives+ ,ord=s techni-ue seemed to consist mainly of standing still for a while and smiling+ After a while an animal 5 a deer !erha!s 5 would a!!ear from out of the trees and watch him cautiously+ ,ord would continue to smile at it$ his eyes would soften and shine$ and he would seem to radiate a dee! and universal love$ a love which reached out to em"race all of creation+ A wonderful -uietness would descend on the surrounding countryside$ !eaceful and serene$ emanating from this transfigured man+ )lowly the deer would a!!roach$ ste! "y ste!$ until it was almost nu//ling him$ whereu!on ,ord Prefect would reach out to it and "reak its neck+ "Pheromone control$" he said it was$ "you 7ust have to know how to generate the right smell+"

0ha!ter B1

A few days after landing in this mountainous land they hit a coastline which swe!t diagonally "efore them from the south5west to the north5east$ a coastline of monumental grandeur2 dee! ma7estic ravines$ soaring !innacles of ice 5 f7ords+

,or two further days they scram"led and clim"ed over the rocks and glaciers$ awe5struck with "eauty+ "Arthur@" yelled ,ord suddenly+ t was the afternoon of the second day+ Arthur was sitting on a high rock watching the thundering sea smashing itself against the craggy !romontories+ "Arthur@" yelled ,ord again+ Arthur looked to where ,ord=s voice had come from$ carried faintly in the wind+ ,ord had gone to e.amine a glacier$ and Arthur found him there crouching "y the solid wall of "lue ice+ 'e was tense with e.citement 5 his eyes darted u! to meet Arthur=s+ "%ook$" he said$ "look@" Arthur looked+ 'e saw the solid wall of "lue ice+ "Aes$" he said$ "it=s a glacier+ =ve already seen it+" "?o$" said ,ord$ "you=ve looked at it$ you haven=t seen it+ %ook@" ,ord was !ointing dee! into the heart of the ice+ Arthur !eered 5 he saw nothing "ut vague shadows+ "(ove "ack from it$" insisted ,ord$ "look again+" Arthur moved "ack and looked again+ "?o$" he said$ and shrugged+ "4hat am su!!osed to "e looking for>" And suddenly he saw it+

"Aou see it>" 'e saw it+ 'is mouth started to s!eak$ "ut his "rain decided it hadn=t got anything to say yet and shut it again+ 'is "rain then started to contend with the !ro"lem of what his eyes told it they were looking at$ "ut in doing so relin-uished control of the mouth which !rom!tly fell o!en again+ *nce more gathering u! the 7aw$ his "rain lost control of his left hand which then wandered around in an aimless fashion+ ,or a second or so the "rain tried to catch the left hand without letting go of the mouth and simultaneously tried to think a"out what was "uried in the ice$ which is !ro"a"ly why the legs went and Arthur dro!!ed restfully to the ground+ The thing that had "een causing all this neural u!set was a network of shadows in the ice$ a"out eighteen inches "eneath the surface+ %ooked at it from the right angle they resolved into the solid sha!es of letters from an alien al!ha"et$ each a"out three feet high8 and for those$ like Arthur$ who couldn=t read (agrathean there was a"ove the letters the outline of a face hanging in the ice+ t was an old face$ thin and distinguished$ careworn "ut not unkind+ t was the face of the man who had won an award for designing the coastline they now knew themselves to "e standing on+

0ha!ter B:

A thin whine filled the air+ t whirled and howled through the trees u!setting the s-uirrels+ A few "irds flew off in disgust+ The noise danced and skittered round the clearing+ t whoo!ed$ it ras!ed$ it generally offended+ The 0a!tain$ however$ regarded the lone "ag!i!er with an indulgent eye+ %ittle could distur" his e-uanimity8 indeed$ once he had got over the loss of his gorgeous "ath during that un!leasantness in the swam! all those months ago he had "egun to find his new life remarka"ly congenial+ A hollow had "een scoo!ed out of a large rock which stood in the middle of the clearing$ and in this he would "ask daily whilst attendants sloshed water over him+ ?ot !articularly warm water$ it must "e said$ as they hadn=t yet worked out a way of heating it+ ?ever mind$ that would come$ and in the meantime search !arties were scouring the countryside far and wide for a hot s!ring$ !refera"ly one in a nice leafy glade$ and if it was near a soa! mine 5 !erfection+ To those who said that they had a feeling soa! wasn=t found in mines$ the 0a!tain had ventured to suggest that !erha!s that was "ecause no one had looked hard enough$ and this !ossi"ility had "een reluctantly acknowledged+ ?o$ life was very !leasant$ and the greatest thing a"out it was that when the hot s!ring was found$ com!lete with leafy glade en suite$ and when in the fullness of time the cry came rever"erating across the hills that the soa! mine had "een located and was !roducing five hundred cakes a day it would "e more !leasant still+ t was very im!ortant to have things to look forward to+ 4ail$ wail$ screech$ wail$ howl$ honk$ s-ueak went the "ag!i!es$ increasing the 0a!tain=s already considera"le !leasure at the thought that any moment now they might sto!+ That was something he looked forward to as well+

4hat else was !leasant$ he asked himself> 4ell$ so many things2 the red and gold of the trees$ now that autumn was a!!roaching8 the !eaceful chatter of scissors a few feet from his "ath where a cou!le of hairdressers were e.ercising their skills on a do/ing art director and his assistant8 the sunlight gleaming off the si. shiny tele!hones lined u! along the edge of his rock5hewn "ath+ The only thing nicer than a !hone that didn=t ring all the time ;or indeed at all< was si. !hones that didn=t ring all the time ;or indeed at all<+ ?icest of all was the ha!!y murmur of all the hundreds of !eo!le slowly assem"ling in the clearing around him to watch the afternoon committee meeting+ The 0a!tain !unched his ru""er duck !layfully on the "eak+ The afternoon committee meetings were his favourite+ *ther eyes watched the assem"ling crowds+ 'igh in a tree on the edge of the clearing s-uatted ,ord Prefect$ lately returned from foreign climes+ After his si. month 7ourney he was lean and healthy$ his eyes gleamed$ he wore a reindeer5skin coat8 his "eard was as thick and his face as "ron/ed as a country5rock singer=s+ 'e and Arthur Dent had "een watching the Golgafrinchans for almost a week now$ and ,ord had decided to stir things u! a "it+

The clearing was now full+ 'undreds of men and women lounged around$ chatting$ eating fruit$ !laying cards and generally having a fairly rela.ed time of it+ Their track suits were now all dirty and even torn$ "ut they all had immaculately styled hair+ ,ord was !u//led to see that many of them had stuffed their track suits full of leaves and wondered if this was meant to "e some form of insulation against the coming winter+ ,ord=s eyes narrowed+ They couldn=t "e interested in "otany of a sudden could they> n the middle of these s!eculations the 0a!tain=s voice rose a"ove the hu""u"+ "Alright$" he said$ " =d like to call this meeting to some sort of order if that=s at all !ossi"le+ s that alright with every"ody>" 'e smiled genially+ " n a minute+ 4hen you=re all ready+" The talking gradually died away and the clearing fell silent$ e.ce!t for the "ag!i!er who seemed to "e in some wild and uninha"ita"le musical world of his own+ A few of those in his immediate vicinity threw some leaves to him+ f there was any reason for this then it esca!ed ,ord Prefect for the moment+ A small grou! of !eo!le had clustered round the 0a!tain and one of them was clearly "eginning to s!eak+ 'e did this "y standing u!$ clearing his throat and then ga/ing off into the distance as if to signify to the crowd that he would "e with them in a minute+ The crowd of course were riveted and all turned their eyes on him+ A moment of silence followed$ which ,ord 7udged to "e the right dramatic moment to make his entry+ The man turned to s!eak+

,ord dro!!ed down out of the tree+ "'i there$" he said+ The crowd swivelled round+ "Ah my dear fellow$" called out the 0a!tain$ "Got any matches on you> *r a lighter> Anything like that>" "?o$" said ,ord$ sounding a little deflated+ t wasn=t what he=d !re!ared+ 'e decided he=d "etter "e a little stronger on the su"7ect+ "?o haven=t$" he continued$ "?o matches+ nstead you news +++" "ring

"Pity$" said the 0a!tain$ "4e=ve all run out you see+ 'aven=t had a hot "ath in weeks+" ,ord refused to "e headed off+ " "ring you news$" he said$ "of a discovery that might interest you+" " s it on the agenda>" sna!!ed the man whom ,ord had interru!ted+ ,ord smiled a "road country5rock singer smile+ "?ow$ come on$" he said+ "4ell =m sorry$" said the man huffily$ ""ut s!eaking as a management consultant of many years= standing$ must insist on the im!ortance of o"serving the committee structure+" ,ord looked round the crowd+ "'e=s mad you know$" he said$ "this is a !rehistoric !lanet+" "Address the chair@" sna!!ed the management consultant+

"There isn=t chair$" e.!lained ,ord$ "there=s only a rock+" The management consultant decided that testiness was what the situation now called for+ "4ell$ call it a chair$" he said testily+ "4hy not call it a rock>" asked ,ord+ "Aou o"viously have no conce!tion$" said the management consultant$ not a"andoning testiness in favour of good old fashioned hauteur$ "of modern "usiness methods+" "And you have no conce!tion of where you are$" said ,ord+ A girl with a strident voice lea!t to her feet and used it+ ")hut u!$ you two$" she said$ " want to ta"le a motion+" "Aou mean "oulder a motion$" tittered a hairdresser+ "*rder$ order@" ya!!ed the management consultant+ "Alright$" said ,ord$ "let=s see how you are doing+" 'e !lonked himself down on the ground to see how long he could kee! his tem!er+ The 0a!tain made a sort of conciliatory harrum!hing noise+ " would like to call to order$" he said !leasantly$ "the five hundred and seventy5third meeting of the coloni/ation committee of ,intlewoodlewi. +++" Ten seconds$ thought ,ord as he lea!t to his feet again+ "This is futile$" he e.claimed$ "five hundred and seventy5 three committee meetings and you haven=t even discovered fire yet@"

" f you would care$" said the girl with the strident voice$ "to e.amine the agenda sheet +++" "Agenda rock$" trilled the hairdresser ha!!ily+ "Thank you$ =ve made that !oint$" muttered ,ord+ "+++ you +++ will +++ see +++" continued the girl firmly$ "that we are having a re!ort from the hairdressers= ,ire Develo!ment )u"50ommittee today+" "*h +++ ah 5" said the hairdresser with a shee!ish look which is recogni/ed the whole Gala.y over as meaning "Er$ will ne.t Tuesday do>" "Alright$" said ,ord$ rounding on him$ "what have you done> 4hat are you going to do> 4hat are your thoughts on fire develo!ment>" "4ell don=t know$" said the hairdresser$ "All they gave me was a cou!le of sticks +++" ")o what have you done with them>" ?ervously$ the hairdresser fished in his track suit to! and handed over the fruits of his la"our to ,ord+ ,ord held them u! for all to see+ "0urling tongs$" he said+ The crowd a!!lauded+ "?ever mind$" said ,ord$ "Rome wasn=t "urnt in a day+" The crowd hadn=t the faintest idea what he was talking a"out$ "ut they loved it nevertheless+ They a!!lauded+

"4ell$ you=re o"viously "eing totally naive of course$" said the girl$ "4hen you=ve "een in marketing as long as have you=ll know that "efore any new !roduct can "e develo!ed it has to "e !ro!erly researched+ 4e=ve got to find out what !eo!le want from fire$ how they relate to it$ what sort of image it has for them+" The crowd were tense+ They were e.!ecting something wonderful from ,ord+ ")tick it u! your nose$" he said+ "4hich is !recisely the sort of thing we need to know$" insisted the girl$ "Do !eo!le want fire that can "e a!!lied nasally>" "Do you>" ,ord asked the crowd+ "Aes@" shouted some+ "?o@" shouted others ha!!ily+ They didn=t know$ they 7ust thought it was great+ "And the wheel$" said the 0a!tain$ "4hat a"out this wheel thingy> t sounds a terri"ly interesting !ro7ect+" "Ah$" said the marketing girl$ "4ell$ we=re having a little difficulty there+" "Difficulty>" e.claimed ,ord$ "Difficulty> 4hat do you mean$ difficulty> t=s the single sim!lest machine in the entire Universe@" The marketing girl soured him with a look+ "Alright$ (r 4iseguy$" she said$ "you=re so clever$ you tell us what colour it should have+"

The crowd went wild+ *ne u! to the home team$ they thought+ ,ord shrugged his shoulders and sat down again+ "Almighty 9ar-uon$" he said$ "have none of you done anything>" As if in answer to his -uestion there was a sudden clamour of noise from the entrance to the clearing+ The crowd couldn=t "elieve the amount of entertainment they were getting this afternoon2 in marched a s-uad of a"out a do/en men dressed in the remnants of their Golgafrincham Brd Regiment dress uniforms+ A"out half of them still carried #ill5*59a! guns$ the rest now carried s!ears which they struck together as they marched+ They looked "ron/ed$ healthy$ and utterly e.hausted and "edraggled+ They clattered to a halt and "anged to attention+ *ne of them fell over and never moved again+ "0a!tain$ sir@" cried ?um"er Two 5 for he was their leader 5 "Permission to re!ort sir@" "Aes$ alright ?um"er Two$ welcome "ack and all that+ ,ind any hot s!rings>" said the 0a!tain des!ondently+ "?o sir@" "Thought you wouldn=t+" ?um"er Two strode through the crowd and !resented arms "efore the "ath+ "4e have discovered another continent@" "4hen was this>" " t lies across the sea +++" said ?um"er Two$ narrowing his eyes significantly$ "to the east@" "Ah+"

?um"er Two turned to face the crowd+ 'e raised his gun a"ove his head+ This is going to "e great$ thought the crowd+ "4e have declared war on it@" 4ild a"andoned cheering "roke out in all corners of the clearing 5 this was "eyond all e.!ectation+ "4ait a minute$" shouted ,ord Prefect$ "wait a minute@" 'e lea!t to his feet and demanded silence+ After a while he got it$ or at least the "est silence he could ho!e for under the circumstances2 the circumstances were that the "ag!i!er was s!ontaneously com!osing a national anthem+ "Do we have to have the !i!er>" demanded ,ord+ "*h yes$" said the 0a!tain$ "we=ve given him a grant+" ,ord considered o!ening this idea u! for de"ate "ut -uickly decided that that way madness lay+ nstead he slung a well 7udged rock at the !i!er and turned to face ?um"er Two+ "4ar>" he said+ "Aes@" ?um"er Two ga/ed contem!tuously at ,ord Prefect+ "*n the ne.t continent>" "Aes@ Total warfare@ The war to end all wars@" "&ut there=s no one even living there yet@" Ah$ interesting$ thought the crowd$ nice !oint+

?um"er Two=s ga/e hovered undistur"ed+ n this res!ect his eyes were like a cou!le of mos-uitos that hover !ur!osefully three inches from your nose and refuse to "e deflected "y arm thrashes$ fly swats or rolled news!a!ers+ " know that$" he said$ ""ut there will "e one day@ )o we have left an o!en5ended ultimatum+" "4hat>" "And "lown u! a few military installations+" The 0a!tain leaned forward out of his "ath+ "(ilitary installations ?um"er Two>" he said+ ,or a moment the eyes wavered+ "Aes sir$ well !otential military installations+ Alright +++ trees+" The moment of uncertainty !assed 5 his eyes flickered like whi!s over his audience+ "And$" he roared$ "we interrogated a ga/elle@" 'e fli!!ed his #ill5*59a! gun smartly under his arm and marched off through the !andemonium that had now eru!ted throughout the ecstatic crowd+ A few ste!s was all he managed "efore he was caught u! and carried shoulder high for a la! of honour round the clearing+ ,ord sat and idly ta!!ed a cou!le of stones together+ ")o what else have you done>" he in-uired after the cele"rations had died down+ "4e have started a culture$" said the marketing girl+ "*h yes>" said ,ord+

"Aes+ *ne of our film !roducers is already making a fascinating documentary a"out the indigenous cavemen of the area+" "They=re not cavemen+" "They look like cavemen+" "Do they live in caves>" "4ell +++" "They live in huts+" "Perha!s they=re having their caves redecorated$" called out a wag from the crowd+ ,ord rounded on him angrily+ "3ery funny$" he said$ ""ut have you noticed that they=re dying out>" *n their 7ourney "ack$ ,ord and Arthur had come across two derelict villages and the "odies of many natives in the woods$ where they had cre!t away to die+ Those that still lived were stricken and listless$ as if they were suffering some disease of the s!irit rather than the "ody+ They moved sluggishly and with an infinite sadness+ Their future had "een taken away from them+ "Dying out@" re!eated ,ord+ "Do you know what that means>" "Er +++ we shouldn=t sell them any life insurance>" called out the wag again+ ,ord ignored him$ and a!!ealed to the whole crowd+ "0an you try and understand$" he said$ "that it=s 7ust since we=ve arrived that they=ve started dying out@"

" n fact that comes over terri"ly well in this film$" said the marketing girl$ "and 7ust gives it that !oignant twist which is the hallmark of the really great documentary+ The !roducer=s very committed+" "'e should "e$" muttered ,ord+ " gather$" said the girl$ turning to address the 0a!tain who was "eginning to nod off$ "that he wants to make one a"out you ne.t$ 0a!tain+" "*h really>" he said$ coming to with a start$ "that=s awfully nice+" "'e=s got a very strong angle on it$ you know$ the "urden of res!onsi"ility$ the loneliness of command +++" The 0a!tain hummed and hahed a"out this for a moment+ "4ell$ wouldn=t overstress that angle$ you know$" he said finally$ "one=s never alone with a ru""er duck+" 'e held the duck aloft and it got an a!!reciative round from the crowd+ All the while$ the (anagement 0onsultant had "een sitting in stony silence$ his finger ti!s !ressed to his tem!les to indicate that he was waiting and would wait all day if it was necessary+ At this !oint he decided he would not wait all day after all$ he would merely !retend that the last half hour hadn=t ha!!ened+ 'e rose to his feet+ " f$" he said tersely$ "we could for a moment move on to the su"7ect of fiscal !olicy +++" ",iscal !olicy@" whoo!ed ,ord Prefect$ ",iscal !olicy@"

The (anagement 0onsultant gave him a look that only a lungfish could have co!ied+ ",iscal !olicy +++" he re!eated$ "that is what said+" "'ow can you have money$" demanded ,ord$ "if none of you actually !roduces anything> t doesn=t grow on trees you know+" " f you would allow me to continue +++" ,ord nodded de7ectedly+ "Thank you+ )ince we decided a few weeks ago to ado!t the leaf as legal tender$ we have$ of course$ all "ecome immensely rich+" ,ord stared in dis"elief at the crowd who were murmuring a!!reciatively at this and greedily fingering the wads of leaves with which their track suits were stuffed+ "&ut we have also$" continued the (anagement 0onsultant$ "run into a small inflation !ro"lem on account of the high level of leaf availa"ility$ which means that$ gather$ the current going rate has something like three deciduous forests "uying one shi!=s !eanut+" (urmurs of alarm came from the crowd+ The (anagement 0onsultant waved them down+ ")o in order to o"viate this !ro"lem$" he continued$ "and effectively revaluate the leaf$ we are a"out to em"ark on a massive defoliation cam!aign$ and +++ er$ "urn down all the forests+ think you=ll all agree that=s a sensi"le move under the circumstances+"

The crowd seemed a little uncertain a"out this for a second or two until someone !ointed out how much this would increase the value of the leaves in their !ockets whereu!on they let out whoo!s of delight and gave the (anagement 0onsultant a standing ovation+ The accountants amongst them looked forward to a !rofita"le Autumn+ "Aou=re all mad$" e.!lained ,ord Prefect+ "Aou=re a"solutely "army$" he suggested+ "Aou=re a "unch of raving nutters$" he o!ined+ The tide of o!inion started to turn against him+ 4hat had started out as e.cellent entertainment had now$ in the crowd=s view$ deteriorated into mere a"use$ and since this a"use was in the main directed at them they wearied of it+ )ensing this shift in the wind$ the marketing girl turned on him+ " s it !erha!s in order$" she demanded$ "to in-uire what you=ve "een doing all these months then> Aou and that other interlo!er have "een missing since the day we arrived+" "4e=ve "een on a 7ourney$" said ,ord$ "4e went to try and find out something a"out this !lanet+" "*h$" said the girl archly$ "doesn=t sound very !roductive to me+" "?o> 4ell have got news for you$ my love+ 4e have discovered this !lanet=s future+" ,ord waited for this statement to have its effect+ t didn=t have any+ They didn=t know what he was talking a"out+ 'e continued+

" t doesn=t matter a !air of fetid dingo=s kidneys what you all choose to do from now on+ &urn down the forests$ anything$ it won=t make a scra! of difference+ Aour future history has already ha!!ened+ Two million years you=ve got and that=s it+ At the end of that time your race will "e dead$ gone and good riddance to you+ Remem"er that$ two million years@" The crowd muttered to itself in annoyance+ Peo!le as rich as they had suddenly "ecome shouldn=t "e o"liged to listen to this sort of gi""erish+ Perha!s they could ti! the fellow a leaf or two and he would go away+ They didn=t need to "other+ ,ord was already stalking out of the clearing$ !ausing only to shake his head at ?um"er Two who was already firing his #ill5*59a! gun into some neigh"ouring trees+ 'e turned "ack once+ "Two million years@" he said and laughed+ "4ell$" said the 0a!tain with a soothing smile$ "still time for a few more "aths+ 0ould someone !ass me the s!onge> 7ust dro!!ed it over the side+"

0ha!ter BB

A mile or so away through the wood$ Arthur Dent was too "usily engrossed with what he was doing to hear ,ord Prefect a!!roach+

4hat he was doing was rather curious$ and this is what it was2 on a wide flat !iece of rock he had scratched out the sha!e of a large s-uare$ su"divided into one hundred and si.ty5nine smaller s-uares$ thirteen to a side+ ,urthermore he had collected together a !ile of smallish flattish stones and scratched the sha!e of a letter on to each+ )itting morosely round the rock were a cou!le of the surviving local native men whom Arthur Dent was trying to introduce the curious conce!t em"odied in these stones+ )o far they had not done well+ They had attem!ted to eat some of them$ "ury others and throw the rest of them away+ Arthur had finally encouraged one of them to lay a cou!le of stones on the "oard he had scratched out$ which was not even as far as he=d managed to get the day "efore+ Along with the ra!id deterioration in the morale of these creatures$ there seemed to "e a corres!onding deterioration in their actual intelligence+ n an attem!t to egg them along$ Arthur set out a num"er of letters on the "oard himself$ and then tried to encourage the natives to add some more themselves+ t was not going well+ ,ord watched -uietly from "eside a near"y tree+ "?o$" said Arthur to one of the natives who had 7ust shuffled some of the letters round in a fit of a"ysmal de7ection$ "6 scores ten you see$ and it=s on a tri!le word score$ so +++ look$ =ve e.!lained the rules to you +++ no no$ look !lease$ !ut down that 7aw"one +++ alright$ we=ll start again+ And try to concentrate this time+" ,ord leaned his el"ow against the tree and his hand against his head+ "4hat are you doing$ Arthur>" he asked -uietly+

Arthur looked u! with a start+ 'e suddenly had a feeling that all this might look slightly foolish+ All he knew was that it had worked like a dream on him when he was a chid+ &ut things were different then$ or rather would "e+ " =m trying to teach the cavemen to !lay )cra""le$" he said+ "They=re not cavemen$" said ,ord+ "They look like cavemen+" ,ord let it !ass+ " see$" he said+ " t=s u!hill work$" said Arthur wearily$ "the only word they know is grunt and they can=t s!ell it+" 'e sighed and sat "ack+ "4hat=s that su!!osed to achieve>" asked ,ord+ "4e=ve got to encourage them to evolve@ To develo!@" Arthur "urst out angrily+ 'e ho!ed that the weary sigh and then the anger might do something to counteract the overriding feeling of foolishness from which he was currently suffering+ t didn=t+ 'e 7um!ed to his feet+ "0an you imagine what a world would "e like descended from those +++ cretins we arrived with>" he said+ " magine>" said ,ord$ rising his eye"rows+ "4e don=t have to imagine+ 4e=ve seen it+" "&ut +++" Arthur waved his arms a"out ho!elessly+ "4e=ve seen it$" said ,ord$ "there=s no esca!e+" Arthur kicked at a stone+ "Did you tell them what we=ve discovered>" he asked+

"'mmmm>" said ,ord$ not really concentrating+ "?orway$" said Arthur$ ")larti"artfast=s signature in the glacier+ Did you tell them>" "4hat=s the !oint>" said ,ord$ "4hat would it mean to them>" "(ean>" said Arthur$ "(ean> Aou know !erfectly well what it means+ t means that this !lanet is the Earth@ t=s my home@ t=s where was "orn@" "4as>" said ,ord+ "Alright$ will "e+" "Aes$ in two million years= time+ 4hy don=t you tell them that> Go and say to them$ DE.cuse me$ =d 7ust like to !oint out that in two million years= time will "e "orn 7ust a few miles from here+= )ee what they say+ They=ll chase you u! a tree and set fire to it+" Arthur a"sor"ed this unha!!ily+ ",ace it$" said ,ord$ "those /ee"s over there are your ancestors$ not these !oor creatures here+" 'e went over to where the a!emen creatures were rummaging listlessly with the stone letters+ 'e shook his head+ "Put the )cra""le away$ Arthur$" he said$ "it won=t save the human race$ "ecause this lot aren=t going to "e the human race+ The human race is currently sitting round a rock on the other side of this hill making documentaries a"out themselves+" Arthur winced+

"There must "e something we can do$" he said+ A terri"le sense of desolation thrilled through his "ody that he should "e here$ on the Earth$ the Earth which had lost its future in a horrifying ar"itrary catastro!he and which now seemed set to lose its !ast as well+ "?o$" said ,ord$ "there=s nothing we can do+ This doesn=t change the history of the Earth$ you see$ this is the history of the Earth+ %ike it or leave it$ the Golgafrinchans are the !eo!le you are descended from+ in two million years they get destroyed "y the 3ogons+ 'istory is never altered you see$ it 7ust fits together like a 7igsaw+ ,unny old thing$ life$ isn=t it>" 'e !icked u! the letter 6 and hurled it into a distant !ivet "ush where it hit a young ra""it+ The ra""it hurtled off in terror and didn=t sto! till it was set u!on and eaten "y a fo. which choked on one of its "ones and died on the "ank of a stream which su"se-uently washed it away+ During the following weeks ,ord Prefect swallowed his !ride and struck u! a relationshi! with a girl who had "een a !ersonnel officer on Golgafrincham$ and he was terri"ly u!set when she suddenly !assed away as a result of drinking water from a !ool that had "een !olluted "y the "ody of a dead fo.+ The only moral it is !ossi"le to draw from this story is that one should never throw the letter 6 into a !ivet "ush$ "ut unfortunately there are times when it is unavoida"le+ %ike most of the really crucial things in life$ this chain of events was com!letely invisi"le to ,ord Prefect and Arthur Dent+ They were looking sadly at one of the natives morosely !ushing the other letters around+ "Poor "loody caveman$" said Arthur+ "They=re not +++"

"4hat>" "*h never mind+" The wretched creature let out a !athetic howling noise and "anged on the rock+ " t=s all "een a "it of waste of time for them$ hasn=t it>" said Arthur+ "Uh uh urghhhhh$" muttered the native and "anged on the rock again+ "They=ve "een outevolved "y tele!hone saniti/ers+" "Urgh$ gr gr$ gruh@" insisted the native$ continuing to "ang on the rock+ "4hy does he kee! "anging on the rock>" said Arthur+ " think he !ro"a"ly wants you to )cra""le with him again$" said ,ord$ "he=s !ointing at the letters+" "Pro"a"ly s!elt cr/7grdwldiwdc again$ !oor "astard+ kee! on telling him there=s only one g in cr/7grdwldiwdc+" The native "anged on the rock again+ They looked over his shoulder+ Their eyes !o!!ed+ There amongst the 7um"le of letters were eight that had "een laid out in a clear straight line+ They s!elt two words+ The words were these2 ",orty5Two+"

"Grrrurgh guh guh$" e.!lained the native+ 'e swe!t the letters angrily away and went and mooched under a near"y tree with his colleague+ ,ord and Arthur stared at him+ Then they stared at each other+ "Did that say what thought it said>" they "oth said to each other+ "Aes$" they "oth said+ ",orty5two$" said Arthur+ ",orty5two$" said ,ord+ Arthur ran over to the two natives+ "4hat are you trying to tell us>" he shouted+ "4hat=s it su!!osed to mean>" *ne of them rolled over on the ground$ kicked his legs u! in the air$ rolled over again and went to slee!+ The other "ounded u! the tree and threw horse chestnuts at ,ord Prefect+ 4hatever it was they had to say$ they had already said it+ "Aou know what this means$" said ,ord+ "?ot entirely+" ",orty5two is the num"er Dee! Thought gave as "eing the Ultimate Answer+" "Aes+" And the Earth is the com!uter Dee! Thought designed and "uilt to calculate the 6uestion to the Ultimate Answer+" ")o we are led to "elieve+"

"And organic life was !art of the com!uter matri.+" " f you say so+" " do say so+ That means that these natives$ these a!emen are an integral !art of the com!uter !rogram$ and that we and the Golgafrinchans are not+" "&ut the cavemen are dying out and the Golgafrinchans are o"viously set to re!lace them+" "E.actly+ )o do you see what this means>" "4hat>" "0ock u!$" said ,ord Prefect+ Arthur looked around him+ "This !lanet is having a !retty "loody time of it$" he said+ ,ord !u//led for a moment+ ")till$ something must have come out of it$" he said at last$ ""ecause (arvin said he could see the 6uestion !rinted in your "rain wave !atterns+" "&ut +++" "Pro"a"ly the wrong one$ or a distortion of the right one+ t might give us a clue though if we could find it+ don=t see how we can though+" They mo!ed a"out for a "it+ Arthur sat on the ground and started !ulling u! "its of grass$ "ut found that it wasn=t an occu!ation he could get dee!ly engrossed in+ t wasn=t grass he could "elieve in$ the trees seemed !ointless$ the rolling hills seemed to "e rolling to nowhere and the future seemed 7ust a tunnel to "e crawled through+

,ord fiddled with his )u"5Etha )ens5*5(atic+ t was silent+ 'e sighed and !ut it away+ Arthur !icked u! one of the letter stones from his home5 made )cra""le set+ t was a T+ 'e sighed and out it down again+ The letter he !ut down ne.t to it was an + That s!elt T+ 'e tossed another cou!le of letters ne.t to them They were an ) and an ' as it ha!!ened+ &y a curious coincidence the resulting word !erfectly e.!ressed the way Arthur was feeling a"out things 7ust then+ 'e stared at it for a moment+ 'e hadn=t done it deli"erately$ it was 7ust a random chance+ 'is "rain got slowly into first gear+ ",ord$" he said suddenly$ "look$ if that 6uestion is !rinted in my "rain wave !atterns "ut =m not consciously aware of it it must "e somewhere in my unconscious+" "Aes$ su!!ose so+" "There might "e a way of "ringing that unconscious !attern forward+" "*h yes>" "Aes$ "y introducing some random element that can "e sha!ed "y that !attern+" "%ike how>" "%ike "y !ulling )cra""le letters out of a "ag "lindfolded+" ,ord lea!t to his feet+ "&rilliant@" he said+ 'e tugged his towel out of his satchel and with a few deft knots transformed it into a "ag+ "Totally mad$" he said$ "utter nonsense+ &ut we=ll do it "ecause it=s "rilliant nonsense+ 0ome on$ come on+"

The sun !assed res!ectfully "ehind a cloud+ A few small sad raindro!s fell+ They !iled together all the remaining letters and dro!!ed them into the "ag+ They shook them u!+ "Right$" said ,ord$ "close your eyes+ Pull them out+ 0ome on come on$ come on+" Arthur closed his eyes and !lunged his hand into the towelful of stones+ 'e 7iggled them a"out$ !ulled out four and handed them to ,ord+ ,ord laid them along the ground in the order he got them+ "4$" said ,ord$ "'$ A$ T +++ 4hat@" 'e "linked+ " think it=s working@" he said+ Arthur !ushed three more at him+ "D$ *$ A +++ Doy+ *h !erha!s it isn=t working$" said ,ord+ "'ere=s the ne.t three+" "*$ U$ G +++ Doyoug +++ t=s not making sense =m afraid+" Arthur !ulled another two from the "ag+ ,ord !ut them in !lace+ "E$ T$ doyouget +++ Do you get@" shouted ,ord$ "it is working@ This is ama/ing$ it really is working@" "(ore here+" Arthur was throwing them out feverishly as fast as he could go+

" $ ,$" said ,ord$ "A$ *$ U$ +++ ($ U$ %$ T$ $ P$ %$ A$ +++ 4hat do you get if you multi!ly$ +++ )$ $ I$ +++ si.$ &$ A$ "y$ si. "y +++ what do you get if you multi!ly si. "y +++ ?$ $ ?$ E$ +++ si. "y nine +++" 'e !aused+ "0ome on$ where=s the ne.t one>" "Er$ that=s the lot$" said Arthur$ "that=s all there were+" 'e sat "ack$ non!lussed+ 'e rooted around again in the knotted u! towel "ut there were no more letters+ "Aou mean that=s it>" said ,ord+ "That=s it+" ")i. "y nine+ ,orty5two+" "That=s it+ That=s all there is+"

0ha!ter BE

The sun came out and "eamed cheerfully at them+ A "ird sang+ A warm "ree/e wafted through the trees and lifted the heads of the flowers$ carrying their scent away through the woods+ An insect droned !ast on its way to do whatever it is that insects do in the late afternoon+ The sound of voices lilted through the trees followed a moment later "y two girls who sto!!ed in sur!rise at the sight of ,ord Prefect and Arthur Dent a!!arently lying on the ground in agony$ "ut in fact rocking with noiseless laughter+

"?o$ don=t go$" called ,ord Prefect "etween gas!s$ "we=ll "e with you in a moment+" "4hat=s the matter>" asked one of the girls+ )he was the taller and slimmer of the two+ *n Golgafrincham she had "een a 7unior !ersonnel officer$ "ut hadn=t liked it much+ ,ord !ulled himself together+ "E.cuse me$" he said$ "hello+ (y friend and were 7ust contem!lating the meaning of life+ ,rivolous e.ercise+" "*h it=s you$" said the girl$ "you made a "it of a s!ectacle of yourself this afternoon+ Aou were -uite funny to "egin with "ut you did "ang on a "it+" "Did > *h yes+" "Aes$ what was all that for>" asked the other girl$ a shorter round5faced girl who had "een an art director for a small advertising com!any on Golgafrincham+ 4hatever the !rivations of this world were$ she went to slee! every night !rofoundly grateful for the fact that whatever she had to face in the morning it wouldn=t "e a hundred almost identical !hotogra!hs of moodily lit tu"es of tooth!aste+ ",or> ,or nothing+ ?othing=s for anything$" said ,ord Prefect ha!!ily+ "0ome and 7oin us+ "m ,ord$ this is Arthur+ 4e were 7ust a"out to do nothing at all for a while "ut it can wait+" The girls looked at them dou"tfully+ " =m Agda$" said the tall one$ "this is (ella+" "'ello Agda$ hello (ella$" said ,ord+ "Do you talk at all>" said (ella to Arthur+

"*h$ eventually$" said Arthur with a smile$ ""ut not as much as ,ord+" "Good+" There was a slight !ause+ "4hat did you mean$" asked Agda$ "a"out only having two million years> couldn=t make sense of what you were saying+" "*h that$" said ,ord$ "it doesn=t matter+" " t=s 7ust that the world gets demolished to make way for a hy!ers!ace "y!ass$" said Arthur with a shrug$ ""ut that=s two million years away$ and anyway it=s 7ust 3ogons doing what 3ogons do+" "3ogons>" said (ella+ "Aes$ you wouldn=t know them+" "4here=d you get this idea from>" " t really doesn=t matter+ t=s 7ust like a dream from the !ast$ or the future+" Arthur smiled and looked away+ "Does it worry you that you don=t talk any kind of sense>" asked Agda+ "%isten$ forget it$" said ,ord$ "forget all of it+ ?othing matters+ %ook$ it=s a "eautiful day$ en7oy it+ The sun$ the green of the hills$ the river down in the valley$ the "urning trees+" "Even if it=s only a dream$ it=s a !retty horri"le idea$" said (ella$ "destroying a world 7ust to make a "y!ass+"

"*h$ =ve heard of worse$" said ,ord$ " read of one !lanet off in the seventh dimension that got used as a "all in a game of intergalactic "ar "illiards+ Got !otted straight into a "lack hole+ #illed ten "illion !eo!le+" "That=s mad$" said (ella+ "Aes$ only scored thirty !oints too+" Agda and (ella e.changed glances+ "%ook$" said Agda$ "there=s a !arty after the committee meeting tonight+ Aou can come along if you like+" "Aeah$ *#$" said ,ord+ " =d like to$" said Arthur+ (any hours later Arthur and (ella sat and watched the moon rise over the dull red glow of the trees+ "That story a"out the world "eing destroyed +++" "egan (ella+ " n two million years$ yes+" "Aou say it as if you really think it=s true+" "Aes$ think it is+ think was there+" )he shook her head in !u//lement+ "Aou=re very strange$" she said+ "?o$ =m very ordinary$" said Arthur$ ""ut some very strange things have ha!!ened to me+ Aou could say =m more differed from than differing+" "And that other world your friend talked a"out$ the one that got !ushed into a "lack hole+"

"Ah$ that don=t know a"out+ t sounds like something from the "ook+" "4hat "ook>" Arthur !aused+ "The 'itch 'iker=s Guide to the Gala.y$" he said at last+ "4hat=s that>" "*h$ 7ust something threw into the river this evening+ think =ll "e wanting it any more$" said Arthur Dent+ don=t