Asaad Jaber This peer review is based on an early version of the first draft of this essay and may

not reflect the arguments or evidence introduced in future drafts of the essay. 1. Sayback: Widespread access to pornographic material that subordinates and objectifies women directs social behavior according to this perceived reality. 2. Pointing: The following arguments support your main claim: 1. Technological developments make pornography accessible to a large number of people. 2. Pornography presents men as the dominant class and women as the subordinate one. 3. The mechanics of hierarchy, objectification, submission, and violence cause social subordination. 4. Pornography presents women as less the human beings by objectifying them. Im not too clear on your research question, so I really cant provide any feedback on the relevance of these points until you clarify the question: What are the codes of this school of education? How are the pornographic messages encoded and decoded and by what means? Youre points, regardless of relevance, are accurate and valid. 3. Questioning: Im not too clear about your research question. What do you mean by the codes of pornography. And what do you mean by encoding and decoding these codes? Your struggle with word choice affects the readers understanding of the material. Can you refer to pornography as a culture or a school of education? Is pornography a form of media? Is Internet pornography a new software? What do you mean by conductors in the second paragraph of your discussion? Make sure you rethink your choice of words to reflect what you want to say. Im also unclear about the statement in your introduction: These social constriction and norms are set indirectly and orchestrated by a dominant group of very powerful men. This claim makes it sound like your discussion is going to focus on a small group of dominant men in the world something similar to the illuminati or conspiracy theories. 4. Expanding: Take a look at D.A. Clarkes Economies of Scale section in Prostitution for everyone: Feminism, globalization (sic), and the sex industry. You can include this discussion on accessibility of pornography in the first paragraph of your discussion. You need to elaborate on Andrea Dworkins four mechanics. How do they cause the subordination of women?

Also look at Catherine McKinnons Not a Moral Issue for a discussion on how pornography turns sex itself into violence and inequality. 5. Collapsing: Your discussion cannot be made any shorter at this point. On future drafts, however, I suggest focusing on Catharine MacKinnons discussion on pornography and issue of power and inequality. 6. Reversal: One argument may oppose your claim that pornography enforces very specific social messages that affect the image of both men and women as well as their behavior towards sexual matters as a couple and as individuals. According to Joshua Cohen, the variety of pornography available and the complex psychology of different viewers, it is impossible to pinpoint one specific message pornography sends to its viewers. 8. Examine the Evidence: Your claims are supported by the following evidence: Rebecca Whisnant estimated a remarkable increase in the number of rentals of these movies that went from 75 million in 1985 to 721 million in the year of 2000. This social subordination that Andrea Dworkin talks about is directed by the following mechanics, which are: hierarchy, objectification, submission and violence. He illustrates a scene in blow bangs #4 where a women performs oral sex to several men and then each one of these man, one after the other, would come on he face or in her mouth. This woman is being placed in such a humiliating and downgrading position and is being labeled with the quote and they like it. So far, your discussion is not lacking in evidence. However, you need to use proper in-text citations where necessary. Recall that an in-text citation consists of the authors last name, a date of publication, and the page number youre referring to. Your in-text citations either dismiss the year of publication as in (Whisnant, p. 16) or overlook a page number as in (Dworkin, 1988). You also fail to introduce in-text citations after quoting as in and they like it. 9. Whats Missing: A clear research question. In-text citations. Additional arguments on your topic.

Note: Make sure you get your paper checked for grammar!