Lesson 3 Influence and rapport building skills: The ability to get on with others helps ensure success in almost

every walk of life. If your job depends on interacting with people, managing them or otherwise depending on them, you will need this communication skill. nd we all need it in any family or social conte!t. "e sometimes call this interpersonal skill #rapport#. $aving a good rapport with another person creates the right conditions for an effective e!change of thoughts and ideas, whether in selling, negotiation, interviewing, counselling or any ongoing relationship. %L& has some specific and powerful techni'ues for building and maintaining rapport, in this lesson we will be e!ploring those skills. (atching: "e tend to like people like ourselves. "e get on better with them, and so communicate with them more effectively. nd they, in turn, get to like us. )ffective rapport therefore involves matching. &eople who have a rapport tend to act like each other in a number of ways. *apport skills offer benefits far beyond your professional or work life. They may well affect the goals you set, especially those involving other people. The secret lies in matching. +ou can build rapport by matching in the following areas: &hysiology , body posture and movement -oice , tone, speed of speech and other voice characteristics Language and thinking style , choice of words and representation system# .seeing, hearing, or feeling/ 0eliefs and values , what people hold as true and important )!perience , finding common ground in your activities and interests 0reathing , a more subtle but powerful way to match someone "e will address each of these areas separately. 0efore we do, you need to understand a few vital points about matching. 1irstly, always remember the importance of subtlety and respect. 2on#t abruptly change your posture or voice, or mechanically copy gestures. (ake any change gradually and as far as possible imperceptibly. void attracting the other person#s attention by your body language, but rather help them to achieve rapport unconsciously. 3therwise you may annoy or insult them, rather than create rapport. lthough highly conscious at first, your actions should gradually become natural and spontaneous. $ave respect for the other person as a uni'ue individual, especially when it becomes apparent that their behaviour and mannerisms differ from yours. 4econdly, you also need to respect your own body. "e all have different ways to stand, sit and carry out basic behaviors and these may differ from those of the other person. This means that in some situations you will feel decidedly uncomfortable when matching, and this will come across to the other person. +ou may find it physically

difficult to act #out of step# with your normal posture and mannerisms. +ou may get away with uncharacteristic behaviour when relating to a stranger, such as a new sales prospect. 0ut anyone who knows you well will spot you acting #out of character#, and this will break any rapport you would have built by acting naturally. 4o stay within your comfort 5one and the natural boundaries of your personality. That does not mean that you cannot match6 simply that you need to choose behaviors that you can match comfortably, or partly match. (atching &hysiology: &eople who get on well together tend to adopt the same body posture when communicating. Look at people locked in conversation and you will often see their silhouettes mirroring each other. n old couple, after many years of marriage, fre'uently almost seem to look alike. s well as overall posture, people tend to use similar gestures and mannerisms. 1or e!ample, they may both lean back with arms clasped behind their heads. or face each other with hands open on the table, or with arms or legs crossed or uncrossed. This happens completely naturally and we hardly ever notice it. 3nce in rapport, our interest centres on the other person and the content of the discussion rather than any e!ternal physiology. ll this physiological matching provides evidence of rapport. which we can therefore calibrate or measure. s well as using physiological matching to measure rapport, you can use it to establish and build rapport. 4it or stand in the same overall way, aligning your back similarly, or positioning your head to one side to match the other person. 7ross or uncross your arms and legs, and match the other person#s general body movements. (ake the same sorts of gestures with your hands. face and body. &art matching: (atching happens progressively. +ou don#t have to immediately match every aspect of the person#s body language. 4tart with just one aspect , say the overall posture or stance. Then gradually match the angle of the head, crossing limbs and limb movements, si5e of gestures, voice volume and pitch, and so on. (atching forms a continuum rather than an either8or approach. 4o you can e!periment with any level of part matching while you gain e!perience and develop your skill. If someone sits or stands in a particularly marked or idiosyncratic way., consider just moving part way to matching their posture. +ou need not mimic the person e!actly in order to establish and maintain rapport. "hat about facial e!pressions9 person with pronounced e!pressions who raises their eyebrows, pops or rolls their eyes, purses their lips, grimaces and so on, will not feel at home with a passive, poker, faced person who does not betray their feelings. They e!pect a like response. To such a person facial movements seem normal. +ou will find these e!pressions hard to fake so stay within your comfort 5one,

going part way rather than not matching at all. "ith very overt physical positions, such as crossed and uncrossed arms or legs, it helps to allow some delay before matching so that the movement appears 'uite natural. +ou can use variations on the theme of part matching, sometimes called #crossover matching#. 1or instance., if the person folds their arms you could cross your legs, or vice versa. If the other person clasps their hands you might just place one hand on the other. If they rub their hands together you can shuffle your feet. If they fiddle with a plastic cup you can click your pen, and so on. s with #going part way#, you need not match e!act item for e!act item. (acro matching: s well as specific matching, think about your overall position, say within the room, or vis,a,vis furnishings, in relation to the other person. +ou can, for e!ample, match a person sitting across a desk, or with chairs facing, just like a mirror image. lternatively, you can sit together, facing the same direction .as when on a couch/, and still match gestures and body position. The latter behaviour will more likely create a sense of unity of purpose and rapport , you have literally got the person #on your side#. 3n the other hand, you may have little opportunity for eye contact, or even to observe their overall body language. In this case, you may choose to have your chairs at right angles to each other so that you both effectively #face the same direction# but with better eye contact, and, if you wish, still look at the same document. flip chart, white board or common document to refer to can often help to focus attention and establish rapport. The object forms a neutral reference point and brings you together. It can also help rapport if you both contribute ideas and e!planations in words or drawings on a single notepad. In this way you not only match physiology but can also match the person#s preference to draw doodles or diagrams to communicate. 4imilarly, swapping the same marker pen and jointly contributing to a diagram, flow chart or list of ideas on a flip chart can also help create rapport. 4imple things like this can all help to establish a genuine meeting of minds. 7ommunicating means getting closer to a person in more than just a physical sense. The respective heights of chairs can also have an effect. (atching aims for win,win rapport, rather than manipulation or domination. 2ifferent levels .as in standing and sitting respectively/

might give the wrong signals. 4o you need to match levels as well as orientation. If a person marches up and down talking you will not help rapport by reclining in a low chair at the other end of the room. In this case you will either have to join in the mobile discourse, or part match by at least standing up. 7onsider all macro aspects of matching, rather than just body posture and gestures. (icro matching: s well as the degree of matching, the type of matching also forms a continuum. 1iner micro matching, for instance, might include the subtlest physiological changes. lthough re'uiring keen observation skills, in this case you can achieve strong rapport inconspicuously. 0y observing someone carefully you will soon start to notice numerous little mannerisms, all of which offer matching potential. The communicates remains unconscious both of their own behaviour, especially at this micro level, and also your matching behaviour. 0ut rapport none the less follows, almost magically. 4ome of these techni'ues might seem contrived and even a bit far,fetched but matching does work in creating rapport. "hat happens when the other party notices the matching process9 This hardly ever happens. If it does, it probably means you have broken some of the rules we have e!plained, gone beyond your comfort 5one or forgotten the importance of subtlety and respect. "hat about communicating with someone already familiar with the techni'ues of matching9 This sometimes applies with skilled salespeople and negotiators. Interestingly, we have found that they will usually respect you for your professional communication skills. fter all, as we have seen, matching does not involve manipulation, but understanding the other person better, and achieving a win,win outcome for both parties. (atching voice: 4ometimes you will find physiological matching inappropriate or impossible, such as on the telephone when you cannot see the other person. 0ut the pitch and tone of your voice also represent a major part of any communication. nd, according to research, this may have more impact than the actual words we say. The more aspects of a person you can match, the more effectively you can create rapport. 4o aim to understand and match every area. The 'ualities you can listen for in voice patterns include:

-olume , do they speak 'uietly or loudly9 Tempo , how fast or slowly do they speak9 *hythm , can you detect a flowing melody in their sentences or do they pronounce their words in a more separate, staccato way9 &itch , high or low9 Timbre , what 'ualities do you hear in their voice9 Instance Tone , what emotions do they convey in their tone of voice9 &hrases , do they use characteristic sayings or regional collo'uialisms9 3nce again, begin by matching one characteristic, then add others as you become more competent. bove all, stay with the flow of the conversation. *apport has some of the characteristics of dance. (ake any changes slowly and naturally as far as you can, and remember not to stray too much from your personal comfort 5one. (atching language and thinking style: 3nce you notice how differently people behave in everyday communication, you will start to recogni5e their thinking style and preferences. (atching a person#s thinking style produces powerful rapport. The way we think in the three primary senses mirrors the way we use our senses e!ternally. -isual , &eople who think primarily in a visual way tend to use language that contains visual words and phrases, such as, #I get the picture# or #Let#s try to put this into perspective#. +ou can create rapport by thinking in this way yourself, picturing internally the person#s description and using the same sort of #sensory words# .known in %L& as predicates/. uditory what you say# 0y matching will start to , In the same way, auditory predicates, such as #I hear or #It sounds good to me#, may indicate auditory thinking. these words and recreating the sounds in your head, you think the way the other person thinks, identify with their 7lear or husky,

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thinking style, and create rapport as you begin to #speak their language#. :inesthetic , &eople who have a primarily kinesthetic thinking style will tend to use words related to feeling or touch, such as, #"e are getting to grips with the problem# or #Things are going smoothly#. 4tart to get a feel for how these people e!press themselves, and use similar words and figures of speech. +ou will see how .notice I use visual predicate/, sometimes almost miraculously, rapport increases you share their e!perience. (atching beliefs and values: 2eep,rooted values have special importance to people, and by matching them you can sometimes touch a person#s #hot button#. ;niversal, or macro, values and beliefs, like #fairness#, #honesty# and #courtesy# help to establish early rapport which you can build on, using physiological and other types of matching. 3nce you find a common basis of understanding, other matching techni'ues will usually work well. (atching e!perience: &ut one or two accountants together, or nurses, or aeroplane enthusiasts, and before long you will have plenty of conversation and rapport. The same thing happens when you meet a stranger from your home town or someone who attended the same school or university. +our e!periences or #maps# overlap, so you share common ground or #likeness#. +ou can use the e!perience matching principle even more widely. "hen communicating with a random group of people, for instance, you can usually identify a common e!perience to which they can relate. ;sing the training analogy, for instance, all the participants have probably had to: 2rive through traffic to the event 0rave the weather <ive up other important things, or <et work duties sorted out before leaving the office )ven a common e!perience like #"e have all given up a day of our life to attend today#s seminar, so let#s make the most of it# can create an initial rapport on which to build a successful training or similar group event. :eep in mind perceived likeness. <ive a nod of assent at every stage in the communication, especially when establishing rapport.

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(atching breathing: s you learn to observe the #micro# physiological movements and gestures covered earlier, you may also notice differences in breathing patterns. 0reathing offers another opportunity for matching. 7alibrating .or measuring/ breathing takes practice and you may need to start using your movement,sensitive peripheral vision. "hile making eye contact you may notice peripherally the rise and fall of the person#s shoulder which gives the rhythm of the breathing. +ou can then change your own breathing to match, which has the added benefit of allowing you to maintain control of your emotional state. lternatively, you can crossover match by nodding your head in time with their breathing again, usually undetectable but powerful in building rapport. 7alibrating rapport: 3nce you have practiced the different matching techni'ues, you can carry on to perfect your rapport skills to any level you wish. s well as establishing rapport, you also need to recogni5e whether rapport e!ists, and to what degree. "e have already stressed the need for careful observation .sensory acuity/ so that you can detect or measure .calibrate/ rapport. 7alibration, a term borrowed from engineering, refers in %L& to the way you can notice small reactions and #measure#. moment,to,moment changes in other people. +ou can then, if necessary, adjust your own behaviour. 7alibration takes a lot of practice, and at first it may seem impossible to watch for so many things at the same time. bove we learnt about the different areas in which we can create and recogni5e rapport .matching physiology, voice, language and thinking style, beliefs and values, e!perience and interests, and breathing patterns/. %ow we introduce four more ways in which we can create and recogni5e rapport. n internal feeling , +ou may get a sense of the #connectedness# with

person. This calls upon natural, #right,brain# intuitive skills that may have atrophied if you have not used them much. $owever, with practice, you can learn to sense these internal feelings. +ou may have to take a few risks in trusting your intuition, as it may not seem

to out

s'uare with logic. *ight,brain feelings or #chemistry# may not spell 4o choose simple, low,risk situations in

any #message# clearly. which to try this out.

7olour change , "atch for a change of colour in the other person#s skin. +ou may not match such involuntary changes directly. 0ut, having calibrated them, you may then match the state they indicate , in your own way. 1or e!ample, you will build rapport if you match the other person#s mood , e!cited, animated, serious, amused or whatever characteristic their changes in skin colour might indicate. long with skin colour, other minute changes have individual significance, such as breathing, lip si5e, pupil si5e, facial muscle tone, and small movements in the hands and feet. 4pontaneous comment , &eople will sometimes literally tell you how they feel about a communication, and you may miss this if you only watch for hidden indicators. Listen for the other person making some positive statement, such as #I agree#, #that#s right# or #absolutely#. #"e#re on the same wave,length# or #+ou must have read my mind# may indicate stronger rapport. In more formal situations, or with less e!plicit comments, you may have to detect and interpret such spontaneous indicators of rapport. bility to lead , 4ometimes the other person begins to follow some of your movements, voice 'ualities or language. They #keep pace# with you, and you #lead# them. The ne!t section discusses this in more detail. &acing and leading: Through pacing and leading you can establish and maintain rapport, and also bring about changes in the other person. %L& uses the term #pacing# to refer to matching as an on,going process. The person with whom you wish to gain rapport sets the #pace#, including the speed and tone of voice and physical gesturing. *ather than instantaneous, refle!,like matching, you pace as if in a long race. In other words, you stay with the person. 4o you can use pacing as a strategic rather than a tactical skill, for instance in an important negotiating situation where you need to establish a meeting of minds. lthough usually applied to physiological matching, you can also pace, for instance, e!perience,

beliefs and values, and language, as I e!plained above. "hen #leading#, you gradually change your own behaviour .whilst maintaining rapport/, in such a way that the other person intuitively matches, or #follows# you. &ut another way, when matching or pacing, you follow behaviour to achieve rapport. 3nce in rapport, you lead behaviour to persuade, humour, influence or whatever , to bring about your communication goals or outcomes. Through pacing and leading you can thus calibrate or measure the rapport you have created. +our success in leading a person depends on the 'uality or level of rapport you have built up. t the same time, your degree of success in leading calibrates the depth of the rapport. +ou can test your pacing and leading skill. 7hange your actions slightly and notice if the other person follows , allow for a delay. 2o they adopt a similar behaviour, voice tone or whatever9 If not, you need to return to simple pacing .matching/ to achieve rapport, then try again. "hen the person does instinctively follow, you have evidence both of rapport and your ability to lead. s well as affecting the other person#s physiology, you can use leading to influence someone#s feelings, approach, point of view or decisions. 1or e!ample, if the other person#s body language reflects a low emotional state, yours will too if you simply match them. 0ut physiology and feelings closely relate. Thus. by changing your physiology, you can usually lead the other person to change their state. If you gradually pace and lead more positive physiology, voice patterns or language, you will help them regain a positive state of mind. (ismatching: +ou will soon start to recogni5e mismatches in your early attempts at rapport. s you observe people around you, you will see this happening unintentionally all the time. 0ut you can use mismatching positively , to break rapport. "hy should you want to break rapport9 &erhaps to: )nd a communication you feel has no further purpose *edirect the flow of conversation <ain attention &ositively interrupt a communication for whatever purpose )nd a relationship

+ou may have e!cellent rapport but the other person may not pay attention to the level you wish. 1or e!ample, just enjoying the other person#s presence, e!changing small talk, or communicating at an abstract level all provide a good basis for communicating, but do not necessarily constitute effective communication, through which you can fulfill an outcome. In such a situation, a slight mismatch can have the effect of giving the person a slight shock, thus regaining their attention. This prepares them for some important message you want to get across. $ow do you mismatch9 )ssentially, you reverse the matching process. <o for difference rather than likeness. 1or e!ample, you could adopt a different posture, voice tone or mannerisms to indicate that a meeting has come to an end. This could involve, for e!ample, placing the palms of your hands on the table and leaning forward in an attitude that shows you intend to get up. 3r you might look away in another direction, to indicate that something else now occupies your mind and the conversation has ended. 3r, in the e!treme, you might stand up and walk towards the office door. (any successful bosses can match and mismatch effectively without understanding the process. "atch people who do it well, and model their behaviour. (ore subtle changes can work just as well. Try mismatching any body language or voice pattern, slight redirection of the eyes, any action indicating preoccupation or distraction, or just leave a long, #pregnant# pause in conversation. If you have ever e!perienced someone glancing over your shoulder when chatting at a party or social event you will know how powerfully this subtle mismatch can say: #I do not want to engage in this communication#. +ou can use this social device in all sorts of business situations as well. %otice the effect of the degree of mismatch. sudden, #gentle# mismatch can regain lost attention and improve the effectiveness of the communication. 7onversely, a very powerful mismatch can bring a communication to a sudden end, if you want that. In doing so you may jeopardi5e the relationship, but that may well fit your ultimate goal anyway. &acing and leading can have powerful effects and it pays to use these

techni'ues wisely. $ave clear intentions. "hy do you want to lead9 $ow will your leading affect the other person and their interests .ecology/9 +ou might succeed in manipulating the other person on one occasion6 but in the longer term the relationship will probably suffer, and you will lose out. 4ometimes in %L& we have to defend ourselves against accusations of manipulation. tool or process cannot, in itself, manipulate , only the person who uses it. &eople manipulate with intention. $uman beings have influenced each other for millennia, using all sorts of persuasive devices. If the intention brings mutual benefit, pacing and leading will help in just about any sales, negotiation, business meeting or learning situation. ;sed in a skillful, professional, morally sound way, it provides a powerful tool of communication. s well as matching with others, you need to match between the parts of yourself. This re'uires what we term congruence, simply meaning that what you say and how you e!press it .in your total physiology, tone of voice, etc./ must harmonise. *esearch has shown that, although people may not always notice the actual body language a person adopts, they instinctively seem to spot disharmony between words and total physiology. 4omehow we unconsciously pick up the communication signals. "e also know from research that, when mismatched, people tend to take body language rather than the words we say as #truth#. In fact, according to one major study, words alone account for a mere = per cent of the effectiveness of face,to,face communication. +ou will find it hard to fake congruence. 4o follow the rules of respect and staying within your natural comfort 5one in all your communications. fully congruent communication has enormous effect, whether a public presentation or a one,to,one conversation.