From Dr Simon Dealing with manipulative people

How You Get Manipulated

Manipulators and other disturbed characters use a variety of tactics to control and manipulate others. Ive been posting on some of these in the past few weeks. But in this post, I wanted to outline some of the main reasons why manipulation tactics work. I also wanted to speak to issues about how people get themselves trapped in situations in

which disordered characters of all types manipulate, abuse, or exploit them.

Ive been posting a series of articles on a wonderful international blog: Psychology, Philosophy, and Real Life. In some of those posts, Ive talked about how some longstanding principles of traditional psychology have become unfortunately so unquestionably accepted by both professionals and lay persons that they cloud a persons judgement when trying to make sense of the behavior of an abuser or manipulator. Along the way, Ive gotten some very interesting comments from readers. In one of my posts, I made the point that traditional psychology paradigms tend to view EVERYONE as struggling with fears and insecurities. If we buy into that notion,

trying to understand someones behavior always boils down to trying to figure out what fears and insecurities must be prompting the behavior. I further pointed
out that how we frame a problem can often be as important as what we do to try and solve it. I lamented that counselors who are overly-immersed in traditional mindsets can

inadvertantly do great damage when trying to help someone in an abusive, exploitive, or manipulative relationship simply be framing the problem incorrectly. A wonderful comment came from Sarah, who quoted me in one of my posts
saying: For example, some disordered characters have such a passion for novelty and such a craving for excitement that they constantly seek shallow, intense, and short-lived high-risk sexual involvements and other interpersonal titillations. But this characteristic thrill-seeking behavior is sometimes framed as necessarily stemming from a fear of intimacy or commitment. I think this mistake is often made because its difficult for neurotic individuals (or traditionallyminded therapists) to imagine why a person wouldnt necessarily prefer a stable and intimate relationship over multiple risky encounters unless they were in some way afraid of something deeper. Sarah commented that she has also come to be a believer in how holding onto outdated notions about why some people do the hurtful things they do only enables people to continue being abused or manipulated. Another reader, Diane, voiced her agreement with my concerns about how traditional perspective can be a setup for abuse and exploitation: I agree if the therapist does not catorgorize (the true nature of the abusive party) and get a clear picture (of the abusive situation) he or she could damage their patient or patient! Thats why in a abusive relationship marriage counseling often times ( more so then not ) creates

more damage. I am learning that theyre really arent very many therapists out there who can handle the job of (working with) a character disorder. They seem too afraid to judge it (character disturbance) as such! Funny that an expert actually fails the client under these circumstances. Right now I just talked to a women and her counselour is clueless actually has been highly rated in the state.. But it is not a shock to meEasily wrapped up for the controller manipulater type.. Actually it was a slam dunk. It is disappointing since so many seek help and dont recieve it.. These comments have been edifying for me to get. The point of this discussion,

however, is that one of the principal reasons people get manipulated, abused and exploited by disturbed or disordered characters is because the legacy of traditional psychology has many of us (therapists and lay persons alike) thinking about the behavior of others and their motivations for that behavior in a manner that actually sets people up to be victimized!
Disturbed characters and skilled manipulators are not easily understood or effectively deal with using traditional frameworks. As I have posted about before both on my blog and other blogs, disturbed characters are very different from neurotics and the traditional frameworks were all developed to deal with the phenomenon of neurosis. So, step number one to overcoming all types of abuse, exploitation, and especially manipulation is to start questioning or even ridding yourself of all of the outdated notions traditional psychology promoted about why people do the things they do and adopt a new framework for understanding those individuals whose defects of character are the main

reasons for the problems they cause.

Lying - Manipulation Tactic 1 (Pt 1)

In prior posts, Ive written about some of the major differences between neurotic personalities and disordered characters (they differ on such major issues as anxiety, shame, guilt, and conscience). You can read more of these comparisons as part of a series Im doing for another blog. That series began with a post that pointed out the failure of traditional psychology to provide an accurate framework for understanding the phenomenon of character disturbance, as well as a post that clarifies the distinction betwen personality traits, personality disorders, and disorders of character. This post begins a discussion of the various manipulation tactics, first outlined in my book, In Sheeps Clothing. Manipulators are often quite skilled in the various ways to decieve, con, and

One of the most subtle but yet effective ways to lie is lying by omission. A very skilled manipulator might even recite a litany of very true facts but then (possibly unbeknownst to you) deliberately leave out a key detail that would shed an entirely new light on the reality of a situation. All of this is done for the purposes of impression management and
otherwise lie.
outcome manipulation.

An incarcerated female criminal offender put in an emergency request to see the consulting physician. She told him that she had been treated for anxiety and depression in the free world but that no anti-anxiety or antidepressant medication had been prescribed for her since arriving at the prison (true fact). She rattled off the names of several persons she knew who had been prescribed medicine, whereas she had not (again, true facts). She stated that was being discriminated against because she had filed an official grievance (it was factual that she had filed a grievance). She painted a picture of a hurting, unfairly treated person with a serious condition who only wanted help but was denied. She was the victim, the corrupt system was the victimizer (playing the victim role is an effective tactic in itself). The consulting physician was unfamiliar with treating individuals with severe disturbances of character. When the physician consulted with the rest of the staff, she was leaning toward prescribing medication to this inmate. He then learned what the inmate left out of the story. She had been to many clinics (i.e. doctor-shopping) in the free world and along the way managed to score many different diagnoses and abusable drugs until the medical community in and around her town became aware of her game. She didnt say that she had been given two independent and complete psychiatric evaluations, with both psychiatrists deeming she had no true mental illness (unusually, she even had no chemical addiction issues of her own - her criminal business was dealing in abusable prescription drugs) but was merely trying to secure drugs she could sell even in prison. In fact, she had been caught selling drugs she entered the prison with and that was one of the many reasons she was screened so carefully with regard to any possible real need for them. It was also no accident that this inmate put in her emergency request on a day that she found out that a consulting physician who had never consulted to the prison before would be on duty.

This particualar case illustrates not only how subtle and crafty lying can be, especially when the main technique is omission, but also how convincing and
unnerved a liar can be while exercising his or her craft. A good con can get the better of anyone. They paint the picture they want you to see. If you look no further, youre likely to be duped. In future posts, Ill be talking about other various tactics of manipulation and why theyre often effective

Lying - Manipulation Tactic 1 Pt

Like most disturbed characters, manipulators are skilled liars. Most people, however cant understand why such people lie so much, especially when it seems to serve no purpose. Some have even referred to repeat bashers of the truth as pathological liars, presuming that they have some kind of mental illness that makes them want to lie even when there doesnt appear to be good reason to do it.

manipulators always want to be in a position of advantage over others. They never want the

Disordered characters of all types, and especially

playing field of interpersonal relations to be level.

They want to have the upper hand and to keep you in a one-down position. Lying is simply one of the best ways to accomplish this end. More than most,
manipulators dont want you to have their number. They dont want you to know

who they really are or what they really want. That would give you a position of equal advantage in dealing with them. They would rather that you have to be constantly in the dark, frequently second-guessing, or oblivious to the reality of circumstances. So, even when the truth would do just fine, theyd rather lie. It gives them a position of advantage.
In upcoming posts, Ill be exploring other tactics disturbed characters use to manipulate others and resist taking responsibility.

Rationalizing - Manipulation Tactic 2

Manipulators always have an answer for the hurtful things they do.

No matter what you confront them about, theyll offer an excuse that seems to justify their behavior. When manipulators
rationalize, its not the same as when a person of generally good conscience tries to assuage that conscience by finding reasons to think what they did wasnt really that bad when theyve

Rather, when manipulators rationalize, theyre mostly trying to manage your impression of them. Theyre trying to convince you that they meant no harm in the first place, that they had no choice but to do what they did, or that they did what any reasonable person would
done something wrong.

have done under the circumstances (!!!) This is to

mislead you about the nature of their intentions as well as the nature of their character. Like lying, which I posted about earlier, its simply a tactic, and one of
many tools in the arsenal of weapons they employ to get the better of others and resist accepting responsibility.

When a person rationalizes for something they know is wrong, theyre also making a statement about how they feel toward the principle at stake. For example, when a person continuously
attempts to excuse their belligerant behavior, theyre making a statement about how they feel about the wrongness of bullying. Theyre also sending a clear signal about how likely they

As long as they continue to excuse their behavior, its likely theyll repeat it. Thats because they havent
are to do the same thing again.

submitted themselves to a different principle of conduct (!!!).

Thats why its so important to never be swayed by or accept an excuse. Not only do you get manipulated, you put yourself in the position of having the same thing done to you again that you found that you took issue with in the first place.

Externalizing - Manipulation Tactic 3

blaming their misbehavior on someone or something else, and skilled manipulators can make you think that somehow its your fault that they did whatever they did to hurt you.
Confront them on how hurtful it was that they cheated on you and they will blame your lack of attentiveness, your failure to be avaiable and responsive whenever they felt in the mood, etc. Confront them on their lack of rapport with their children and they will berate you for turning the children against them. Theyll always claim that some person or

Disordered characters are forever

circumstance made them do what they did instead of accepting responsibility for a making a bad choice about how they responded.
Sometimes counselors have called this tactic projecting the blame. Projection is another

one of those automatic mental behaviors traditionally thought of as an ego defense mechanism. The rationale behind that notion is that sometimes individuals
unconsciously project onto others motivations, intentions, or actions that they they are far too unnerved over or feel such overwhelming guilt about that they cant acknowledge them as their own. But disordered characters know what they are doing. They

are fully conscious about what others would see as the wrongfulness of their behavior and theyre perfectly comfortable with the behavior nonetheless. They dont have enough guilt or shame about theyre doing to
change course. So, when they attempt to justify their position by casting themselves as the victim of someone elses wrongdoing, they simultaneously evade responsibility as well as manipulate others into thinking that theyre really a good guy who had no choice but to respond the way they did. Its an

The tactic goes hand in hand with the tactic of portraying oneself as a victim. Its an effective tactic that gets others to pay attention to
effective tactic to manage the impression of others.

everyone or everything else except the disordered character himself and his harmful behavior patterns as the sources of a problem. Ive been posting a
series of articles for the Psychology, Philosophy and Real Life blog about individuals with a character disorder and how they differ from other personality types. Ive also posted on other manipulation tactics such as rationalizing and lying.

Externalizing the blame (i.e. blaming others and circumstances for personal shortcomings) is a particularly insidious manipulation tactic and responsibilityaviodance habit. A person who wont acknowledge his or her bad choices and repeatedly
blames others for his failures will never correct his erroneous thinking, attitudes, or problem behavior. Whenever you hear an excuse, you know the disturbed character has no intentions of changing his ways. And whenever you confront someone on their bad behavior, dont be tricked into thinking its somehow yours or someone elses fault that they did what they did. Ive written on how to avoid being taken in by this tactic in my book In Sheeps Clothing.

Denial - Manipulation Tactic 4

Denial has traditionally been conceptualized as an ego defense mechanism. In other words, its been presumed that when a person denies the reality of a situation, they do so unconsciously because the reality is simply too painful to bear. But when disturbed characters engage in denial, theyre generally not in a state of psychological unawareness prompted by a deep inner pain about who they are or what they have been doing. Rather,

disordered characters more frequently use denial (i.e., an unwillingness to admit their wrongdoing) as a tactic to feign innocence, and to manage the impression of others who might otherwise have their number. If the denial is strong enough, a good neurotic might be successfully manipulated into second-guessing himself. Disordered characters often wont admit when theyve done something wrong,
and resist looking at any role their behavior patterns have played in creating problems in their lives. They lie to themselves and others about their malevolent acts and intentions as a tactic to get others off their back. If their denial is forceful and convincing enough, others will likely be successfully manipulated.

Denial is not only an effective manipulation tactic, but its also a sure sign someone is not about to change his or her way of behaving. A person who wont acknowledge their wrongs in the first place isnt
likely to feel any inclination to correct them. Habitual denial is the way many disordered characters resist internalizing the values and standards of conduct that could make them more socially responsible. Ive posted before on what denial is and what it isnt. Ive made an effort to distinguish between a true defense mechanism and a tactic of manipulation and responsibility-avoidance. Ive been posting on another blog about the various characteristics of individuals with disturbed characters. A more in-depth exploration of manipulation tactics, why they work, and how to best respond to them so as not to be victimized can be found in my book In Sheeps Clothing.

Minimizing - Manipulation Tactic 5

The disturbed character is forever trying to trivialize important matters. He tries to convince folks that the wrongful thing he did wasnt really that bad or harmful. He might admit part of what he did wrong, but usually not the most serious part. Disordered characters use the tactic of minimizing to manage the impression others have of them. Its a way to manipulate others into thinking theyre not so bad despite the horrible things theyve done. But minimizing serious transgressions is also the way the disordered character lies

to
As

himself about the full extent of his character deficiencies and behavior problems.

long as he continues to minimize, he wont take seriously the problems he needs to

behavior obstructs the internalization of values and standards of conduct. Its the way
disturbed characters resist accepting responsibility. As long as a person trivializes important matters related to their conduct, they wont take seriously the need to change that conduct. Seasoned manipulators are good at making the case for discounting the seriousness of their wrongdoing.

correct. As with all the other manipulation tactics, this

Anyone who accepts their minimizations is therefore successfully manipulated. So, when it comes to important

matters, minimizations like I only did it once, or she wasnt hurt that bad, should never be accepted. Individuals best described as neurotic are very different from those with significant disturbances of character. In contrast to disturbed characters who tend to manipulate, avoid responsibility, and bring undue stress to others through minimizing, neurotics tend to

bring undue stress upon themselves by catastrophizing.

Theyre so overly conscientious, that any little thing they do wrong is magnified in their own mind as a calamity. Ive been posting on another blog about the various and significant differences between neurotics and disordered characters. Ive also posted on this blog about other manipulation tactics such as externalizing, rationalizing, and lying. Ill be posting on several other manipulation tactics in the coming weeks.

Covert-Intimidation - Manipulation Tactic 6

The most severely disordered characters will often make direct threats or even carry

Skilled manipulators, however, are expert at making more subtle, implied or veiled threats to intimidate others into seeing or doing things their way. Sometimes a veiled threat can be no more than a particular look or a glance. Sometimes its imbedded not so much in what someone says or
them out as a way of keeping others in line. does, but the manner or tone they employ when they do or say it. The message is always the same.

The disturbed character subtly implies that some sort of holy hell will break out if he doesnt get his way or if someone dares to challenge or confronts his dysfunctional behavior.
Folks who are quick to go on the offensive in this very calculated way whenever they face resistance are not likely to take a good look at themselves or the healthiness of their way of doing things. Their combative stance also blocks any chance that they will internalize a more pro-social a standard of self-conduct.

Individuals who are in relationships with persons who use the tactic of covert-intimidation often are at high risk that the relationship will be abusive, exploitive or both. Ive been posting on some
of the more frequent tactics disturbed characters use to manipulate and control others. Observing the frequency with which a person uses these tactics should give you some good insight into the nature of their character and how likely you are to have any kind of healthy relationship with them.

Bullying (Overt Intimidation) - Manipulation

Manipulators and other disturbed characters sometimes like to openly threaten or brow-beat someone else into giving-up or giving-in to their demands. They like to terrorize others into submission. They use fear as a weapon, whether its fear of the known or unknown. People in relationships with disturbed characters are generally familiar with their track record of behavior, thus they know what the disturbed character is not only capable of but also what they have been willing to do to get their way in the past. Disturbed characters who bully manipulate others by keeping them on the defensive and making them so afraid of possible negative repercussions that they dont dare go against their wishes. Sometimes, manipultors will brandish intense anger and rage, not so much because theyre really that angry, but because they want their victims to be so terrorized that they dare not do anything but cave in to their demands. That doent mean that victims should take the rageful behavior of their tormentors lightly, it simply means that they have to recognize that their probably in a relationship with a person who will stop at nothing to get his or her way. Individuals who frequently use bullying as a manipulation tactic are among the least likely to change their modus operandi. Thats because in addition to being an effective tactic of manipulation, such hard-headed combativeness is also a primary way the disturbed character avoids any kind of submission to a higher authority or standard of conduct. Those who refuse to subjugate themselves to anything wage a constant war against the internalization of standards and controls that make most of us civilized. Suffice it to say that the best idea is to not remain in any kind of relationship with a person willing to engage in such behavior.

Disturbed & Neurotic Behavior

In most unhealthy relationships, at least one of the persons is likely to have a significant disturbance of character. Relationships can be particularly unhealthy if one person is significantly character disturbed and the other is overly neurotic. The primary defining qualities of the disturbed character are a deficient, immature, or absent conscience, ego inflation, problematic attitudes and thinking patterns, and irresponsible behavior patterns. When a neurotic individual hooks up with a disturbed character, they often try to be the conscience for both parties. When the disturbed character defaults on yet another debt, the neurotic floats another loan. When the disturbed character cheats again and blames the neurotics lack of attention, the neurotic tries harder to please. The neurotic may feel in his or her heart that the blame lies with the disordered character, but the disturbed character manipulates the neurotic into believing that everything is his or her fault. The disturbed

character in such a relationship never has to develop any kind of conscience, because the neurotic frequently exercises conscience enough for both of them.

stay unhealthy because the neurotic doesnt learn to assert him or herself and the disturbed character
has no reason to modify his or her patterns of manipulation, exploitation, and abuse. If the attempt to secure professional help is successful but the therapist is not trained to accurately diagnose character disturbance or skilled in the radically different methods of dealing with it, the likely fruitlessness of the encounter can lead the neurotic partner to believe that there is no choice but to maintain the status quo.

Relationships between disturbed characters and neurotics