EXERCISES

Treceti propozitiile la interogativ si negativ:

1 This is a table.
2 The students are here.
3 We have english books.
4 You are in your car.
5 She has a new dictionary.
6 This is an easy exercise.
7 My child is very good at Geography.
8 He reads detective stories.
9 They have lunch at 13 every day.
10 He drives carefully.
11 My mother spends a lot of money.
12 The train leaves at seven.
13 Ann swims every Sunday.
14 My friend Carlos lives in Spain.
15 He wants to speak English.
16 The hotel is full every summer.
17 They are happy people.
18 I often go to Italy.
19 The weather is always good in Hawaii.
20 My grandparents are very nice.

Traduceti propozitiile de mai sus (forma afirmativa).

Choose the correct answer

1. ____ there any tea in the cup?

Are Do How Is Many

2. ____ shoes cost too much.

That These This Those

3. ____ people have only two children.

Much Many Any An A

4. Three or four ____ are sitting on chairs.

man mans men mens

5. These people ____ a nice house.

wants is have has can

6. There ___ many people in the park.

can have has is are

7. The Evans have four _____, two boys and two girls.
childs child children childrens

8. One man - two ____.

man mean men min mine

9. One fish - two ____.

fisch fisches fish fishes

10. My grandparents ____ eleven children.

are has have is

11. Mrs Brown is speaking to three or four ____.

woman women wimin wamen waman

12. in some countries you can have more ____.

wives wiffes wifes wife wieves
Fill in a/an.

1. This is window.
2. This is open window.
3. This is horse.
4. This is dangerous animal.
5. This is animal.
6. There is Indian restaurant on the corner.
7. The Ritz is expensive hotel.
8. The Nile is African river.
9. She is engineer.
10. She is dentist.
11. It's nice day.
12. I have old book.
13. I have book.
14. I have got important question.
15. I bought cheap umbrella.
16. I bought big hat.
17. He is actor.
18. He had very bad accident.
19. He had accident.
20. Can you give me good example?
Fill in the gaps with the correct form of the verbs 'to be' and
'to have'. (Present tense only!)

Example: Michael ____ my brother. (key = is)

John ____ a white cat. (key = has)

1. Doris a beautiful dress.

2. Doris a beautiful girl. She has won beauty contests.
3. I a big living-room.
4. It a white rose.
5. Jack and Jill very good friends.
6. Jerry some friends in America.
7. She two apples.
8. The boys a tennis match on Saturday.
9. The teacher a yellow book.
10. They a lovely garden.
11. This animal black eyes.
12. We good students. We learn hard.
13. he a farmer?
14. I your best friend?
15. Mike Tyson a boxer?
16. they friends?
17. we on the right way?
18. you at home?
19. You something on your hair.
20. Your father a doctor.
Choose the best preposition of time in, on, at, or no
preposition to complete the sentence. Write - when no
preposition is needed.

Example: I am going - home now. (- means no preposition is needed)

Example: I like to go swimming _____ summer. (key = in)

1. Andrew finished high school 1997.

2. Ann's going to see the doctor Tuesday morning.
3. Are you going to the beach the weekend?
4. Are you going to visit your family Christmas?
5. Did your cousin get married last spring?
6. Does it snow here the winter?
7. I hate getting out of bed cold mornings!
8. I'm going shopping with my mother Saturday.
9. Jane started learning English 1998.
10. Let's go to the cinema this evening.
11. My birthday is the twelfth of September.
12. My favourite television programme is on 8pm.
13. My parents got married the 1960s.
14. My sister loves eating chocolate eggs Easter.
15. She will graduate from university May.
16. Sorry I missed football practice last week. I had a
headache.
17. six years ago, I met my best friend.
18. the summer, my brother and I play tennis.
19. tomorrow morning, I will have to get up early.
20. yesterday afternoon, we went to the library to study.

Fill in the missing prepositions.

Example: David and Lucy are .................... the office. (key =

in)

1. You can sit the table. Lunch is ready.

2. What's wrong Jane today? She looks so sad.
3. What time do you get up Sundays?
4. What do you usually do the weekends?
5. Today is the 17th September.
6. This birthday present is your brother.
7. There are many stories monsters.
8. There are four us in the family.
9. She goes the cinema every month.
10. My parents are holiday in Spain.
11. Mike has got a newspaper his hand.
12. Look the table. There is a magazine on the floor.
13. Let's have a look your collection of stamps.
14. It sometimes snows November.
15. I often go to visit our grandma the afternoon.
16. He is standing me in the queue.
17. Does your sister live Madrid?
18. Do you often go to work bus?
19. Are there any plants your bedroom?
20. All the family are sitting the sofa and talking.

Fill in the right form of there is/are using Present

Simple.

Example: There _____ not many people in the room. (key =

are)

1. there anyone from Germany in here?

2. there any water in the glass?
3. there any cheap hotels near here?
4. there a tired student in the class?
5. there a good-looking man in your club?
6. there a cheap hotel near here?
7. There n't enough snow to go skiing.
8. There n't enough air in the lift.
9. There n't any serious problems.
10. There n't any interesting films on TV tonight.
11. There some big trees in the garden.
12. There a modern sports centre in London.
13. There a lot of rain in autumn.
14. There a famous university in Oxford.
15. There a big tree in the garden.
16. There a big black cloud in the sky.
17. How many tall players there in your team?
18. How many small apples there in this bag?
19. How many planets there in our solar system?
20. How many days there in a week?

Adjective - Opposite

alive dead
ancient modern
attractive repulsive
backward forward
bad good
beautiful ugly
big small
blunt sharp
boring interesting
bright dark
broad narrow
calm (person) frantic
calm (weather) stormy
clean dirty
clever stupid
closed open
clumsy graceful
cold hot
cool warm
cruel kind
dangerous safe
dark bright
deep shallow
difficult easy
dirty clean
dry wet
dull shiny
early late
easy difficult
fake real
fancy plain
fast slow
fat (people) thin
fierce gentle
forward backward
frantic calm
fresh stale
gentle fierce
good bad
graceful clumsy
guilty innocent
happy sad
hard soft
heavy light
high low
hot cold
ill well
innocent guilty
kind cruel
late early
left right
light heavy
long short
loose tight
loud soft
low high
mad sane
modern ancient
narrow wide
new old
noisy quiet
normal strange
old (people) young
old (things) new
open closed
outgoing shy
plain fancy
poor rich
quiet noisy
real fake
repulsive attractive
rich poor
right (answer) wrong
right (directions) left
rough smooth
safe dangerous
sane mad
shallow deep
sharp blunt
shiny dull
short (things) long
short (people) tall
shy outgoing
slow fast
small big
smooth rough
soft (touch) hard
soft (sound) loud
sour sweet
spotless stained
stained spotless
stale fresh
stormy calm
strange normal
strong weak
stupid clever
sweet sour
tall short
tame wild
terrible wonderful
thick thin
thin (people) fat
thin (things) thick
tight loose
ugly beautiful
warm cool
weak strong
well well
wet dry
wide narrow
wild tame
wonderfulterrible
wrong right
young old
Fill in all the gaps, with the right form of the verb in brackets.

William Shakespeare (be) born in Stratford-on-Avon on April 23, 1564.

He (go) to the local Stratford Grammar School, where he (be) (teach)
by Master Walter Roche. Lessons began at six o'clock in the morning in
the summer in order to make the most of daylight.

His father (be) (call) John Shakespeare a Stratford upon Avon glove-
maker. He (send) William to the local grammar school in 1571, but
when William (be) only 14 years old his fortunes fell so low that
William (have) to leave school. Some historians say he (work) in his
father's shop.

At the age of 19 William (to marry) Anne Hathaway the daughter of a

rich farmer near Stratford. Three years later Shakespeare (go) to
London. How he (live) there we do not know.

In about 1587 he (become) a member of one of the few theatrical

companies which (exist) in those days. Around 1590 he (begin) to try
his hand at writing plays. There (be) no female actors in those days,
all the female parts (be) (play) by boys. It is thought that he (write)
his first major play, Henry VI., Part One, in 1592.

His most famous play, Hamlet, (be) probably first seen in 1601 at the
Globe Theatre. Shakespeare (continue) to write about 2 plays a year.

He (return) to Stratford in 1612, where he (live) the life of a country

gentleman. He (die) of a fever on his birthday in 1616.
Simple Past gap-fill exercise

Fill in all the gaps, with the right form of the verb in brackets.

James Ellis (go) on a business trip last week. He (be) (visit) some
customers in Frankfurt. He (leave) home early on Monday morning
and (take) a taxi to the airport. He (get) there at about 8 o'clock. He
(check in) and (go) to the airport lounge. He (buy) a newspaper and
(go) to get a coffee.

He (be) (drink) his coffee when he (see) an old friend, Bob. He (be)
very surprised that Bob (be) in London and (find out) that he (be)
(start) a new job in the city. As they (be) (speak) they (hear) an
announcement. "Would all passengers for the 9.30 flight to Frankfurt
please go to boarding gate 10". James (say) goodbye to Bob and as
they (be) (leave) Bob (give) him his business card and (ask) him to
phone when he (return) from Frankfurt.

After (board) James (put) his briefcase in the overhead locker and
(sit) down. During the flight, James (do) some paper work and (speak)
to the woman sitting next to him, while they (be) (speak) the flight
attendant (bring) breakfast. When the plane (land) in London, it was
almost 11 o'clock.

James (take) a train to his hotel. Then he (walk) to the customer's

office. He (get) there at 1.00 pm and (go) to the reception desk. The
receptionist (ask) him to wait. Whilst he (be) (wait) she (offer) him a
drink. He and his customer (talk) all afternoon. When Bob (get) to his
hotel at 7 o'clock that night, he (phone) his wife and then (go) to the
hotel restaurant.

Eating Out

It's 8pm. Mr Smith (Jack) and Mrs Smith (Jill) are celebrating
their 10th wedding anniversary. They have just arrived at
the restaurant.
Mr Smith: Well here we are. What do you think?

Mrs Smith: It's lovely Jack. Are you sure we can afford it?

Mr Smith: Well I may have to do some washing up, but

you're worth it.
The waiter arrives.
Waiter: Good evening sir, madame.

Mr Smith: Good evening. We have a reservation for a table

for two in the name of Smith.

Waiter: Yes sir. May I take your coats?

The waiter takes their coats and hangs them up.

Mr & Mrs Smith: Thank you.

Waiter: Your welcome. Would you like to come to the table

or would you prefer to order in the bar?

Mr Smith: I wouldn't mind an aperitif. We'll order in the bar.

Waiter: Please follow me, I'll bring you the menu in a

moment.

Mr & Mrs Smith order their drinks at the bar and sit down to
look at the menu.

Mrs Smith: Oh dear Jack, it's all in French!

Mr Smith: Well that's what we're paying for. Don't worry I've
got an idea.

Waiter: Are you ready to order sir?

Mr Smith: Not really. Could you recommend something.

Waiter: Certainly sir. The fresh lobster is particularly good

this evening, and for starters may I recommend a light
consomme?

Mr Smith: Sounds lovely, what do you think dear?

Mrs Smith: Oh yes, I love lobster.

Waiter: So, that's two consomme and two lobsters. Would
you like to look at the wine menu?

Mr Smith: Why don't you bring us what you think will go

best. Nothing too expensive though.

Waiter: No problem sir. I'll call you as soon as your table is

ready.

The waiter walks away.

Mrs Smith: You are clever Jack, but what about dessert.

Mr Smith: Don't worry, they bring round a sweet trolley, so

we just point at what we fancy!
A while later Mr & Mrs Smith have finished eating and are
drinking their coffee.
Waiter: Was everything to your satisfaction?

Mr & Mrs Smith: Yes, lovely thank you.

Mr Smith:
The whole meal was delicious, our compliments to the chef.
Unfortunately we have to be back for the baby-sitter so
could we pay now?

Waiter: Certainly sir, I'll bring you the bill. Would you like me
to order you a taxi.

Mr Smith: Yes that would be great, thank you.

Mrs Smith: What a nice man, we must leave him a good tip.
Mr Smith: Yes of course.
New neighbours

It's Saturday morning and something is happening next door.

Joan: Steve, what's all that noise outside?

Steve: Just a minute, I'll have a look. ....... Oh! It looks as if
the new next door neighbours are moving in.

Joan: Oh, it's a bit early, isn't it? Ah well I guess we'd better
get up.

Steve: It's amazing how quickly the houses are selling round
here, the Browns only put it on the market a month ago.

Joan: Where did they move to?

Steve: I think he told me they were buying a detached house

in Surbiton.

Joan: Sounds nice. I hope the new neighbours are nice.

Steve: Well, I was speaking with Mr Brown last week. He told

me they were a young couple with two daughters. They liked
the house because it was near a good school.

Joan: Two daughters! That will please John.

Steve: Ha! Maybe we'd better pop next door and say hello.

Joan: Yes, and maybe we'd better start thinking of selling

too. I'd like a detached house in Surbiton as well!

Steve: Hmm.

Coming for tea

It's Friday afternoon and John's friend Mark is coming for tea tomorrow.
Mrs S: John, is Mark coming for tea tomorrow?
John: Yes mum, I told you yesterday!
Mrs S: Oh did you? Sorry, I must have forgotten.
John: What are we having?
Mrs S: I don't know yet, I was just writing out the shopping list. What
sort of things does he like?
John: Anything, just about. I know he hates pasta though, he never
eats school dinner if it's pasta.
Mrs S: OK, what about pizza.
John: Yeah, pizza would be great, not too much salad though please
mum.
Mrs S: How about a fruit salad for pudding instead?
John: With ice cream?
Mrs S: Yes, ok.
John: Great, I can't wait!

Entertaining at Home - It's Saturday and John's friend Mark has just
arrived.

John: Hi Mark!
Mark Hi John, how's it going?
John: Fine, and you?
Mark Oh you know.
John: Yeah, tell me about it.
Mrs S: Hello Mark, how are you.
Mark: Very well thank you Mrs Smith.
John Mum, can we go and play in my room?
Mrs S: Yes, after tea. We're having pizza tonight Mark, is that alright?
Mark: Yes Mrs Smith that should be fine, but I am a vegetarian.
Mrs S: Oh John, you didn't tell me!
John Sorry mum, I didn't know.
Mrs S: Well it's just as well I bought mushroom pizza as well then, isn't
it?
Mark: I'm sorry if it's any trouble Mrs Smith.
Mrs S: Don't worry Mark, it's not your fault, we can eat the salami pizza
and you can have the mushroom one. Why don't you both go and play
upstairs, tea will be a little bit longer than expected!
John: This way Mark.
 Dictation Text - April
April Fool
April Fool's Day, is not a holiday, but it is celebrated in many countries
on April 1.
On April Fool's Day people play jokes on friends and neighbours.
At work you may be sent on a fools' errand, which can be
embarrassing.
In some countries, April Fool's jokes (also called "April fools") must only
be made before midday.
The April 1st tradition in France includes poisson d'avril (which means
"April's fish" in English).

Dictation Text - Xmas Special

On Christmas Day

On Christmas morning I wake up very early.

I have a shower and then get dressed.
I go downstairs and have breakfast with my family.
We all go to church together to sing carols.
In the afternoon we eat dinner at 2.00 o'clock.
After dinner we listen to the Queen's speech at 3.00 o'clock.
Then we all help with the washing up.
In the evening we play games and watch television.
We all go to bed quite late.
Happy Christmas!

Dictation Text - New Year Special

On New Year's Day

I was in England on New Year's Eve.

On New Year's Day I woke up very late.
I had a shower and then got dressed.
I went downstairs and had breakfast with my husband.
We didn't eat dinner until 3 o'clock.
After dinner we went for a walk.
It rained all day.
In the evening we watched TV.
We went to bed quite late.
Happy New Year!

Little known 'Did you know' facts

Weird facts that you would rather not know....

Did you know?...It is impossible to lick your elbow.

Did you know?...Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their
hair.

Did you know?...Coca-Cola was originally contain cocaine.

Did you know?...23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by

people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.

Did you know?...In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman

somewhere.

Did you know?...If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then

why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations,
implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have
any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

Did you know?...Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the
bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

Did you know?...More than 50% of the people in the world have never
made or received a telephone call.

Did you know?...The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be
the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

Did you know?...The Eiffel Tower in Paris weighs over 1000 elephants.

Did you know?...there are actually two types of humans? The slightly
larger and less intelligent kind, males, have protruding external
genitalia called "penises" that are used for making important life
decisions. Meanwhile, females have these nifty things called "vaginas"
that no one understands yet, especially males
Did you know?... In 1879, a mail service in Belgium employed 37 cats
to carry bundles of letters to villages around the town of Liege, this
experiment was shorted-lived as the cats proved thoroughly
undisciplined. Just plain weird...even by my standards.

Did you know?... The greatest recorded number of children that have
been born by one mother is 69! The poor lass gave birth to 16 pairs of
twins, seven sets of triplets and a measly 4 sets of quadruplets. Even
in the days before IVF!

Did you know?...Males, on average, think about sex every 7 seconds.

Did you know?... Every 5 seconds a computer gets infected with a virus

Did you know?...13% of Americans actually believe that some parts of

the moon are made of cheese...yummy

Did you know?...The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived
in China in 1910.

Did you know?...If you could count the number of times a cricket chirps
in one minute, divide by 2, add 9 and divide by 2 again, you would
have the correct temperature in celcius degrees... How do they know
that?

Did you know?...Fish that live more than 800 meters below the ocean
surface don't have eyes. Eeewwwwww

Did you know?...Hydrogen is an explosive gas. Oxygen supports

combustion. Yet when these are combined it is water which is used to
put out fires.

Did you know?...Walt Disney's autograph bears no resemblance to the

famous Disney logo he was also impotent. Bwahahahahahaha!

Did you know?...The Dutch town of Leeuwarden can be spelled 225

different ways-

1. Leeuwaarden
2. Leewaarden
3. Leewarden
4. Leuwarden
5. leuwaardenn
6. Leuuwarrden......
224. Bradford
Did you know?...Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave.
Go on, try it then

Did you know?...The Ramses brand condom is named after the great
phaoroh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

Did you know?...Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties

are registered blood donors.

Did you know?...Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great

king from history.
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs - Alexander the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

Did you know?...In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to
speak.

Did you know?...If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both
front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front
leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds recieved in battle;
if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
causes.

Did you know?...Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Did you know?...The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.

Did you know?...101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only
two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and
don't die during the movie.

Did you know?...To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court
swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles.

Did you know?...You're most likely to win the UK's Lotto if you buy your
ticket on a saturday rather than a wednesday. Because you are more
likey to die before the number draw than win.

Did you know?... In York, it is perfectly legal to shoot a Scotsman with a

bow and arrow (except on Sundays)

Did you know?...On average, 90% Dutch teenagers can speak fluent
English whereas only 80% American teenagers can speak fluent
English. (Just incase you didnt know, English is not the first langauge of
The Netherlands.)

Did you know?...In Texas, a recently passed anticrime law requires

criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in
writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed. Only
in Texas....

Did you know?...No piece of square dry paper can be folded in half
more than 7 times

Did you know?...The people who make school kitchens, also make
electric chairs.

Did you know?... The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at
night.

Did you know?..."Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only

the left hand.

Did you know?...The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy
dog" uses every letter in the English language.

Did you know?...1 in every 200 people are a psychopath and they look
just like everyone else......

Did you know?...An average human loses about 200 head hairs per
day.

Did you know?... All the chemicals in the human body have a combined
value of approximately Ł4.00 (6.25 Euro)

Did you know?...In Alaska, it is legal to shoot bears. However, waking a

sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.

Did you know?...You are most likely to be murdered or raped by a

family member or a close friend (98% of all murders). Whereas being
murdered by a derranged lunatic down a dark alley is very rare.

Did you know?...Bill "Four eyes" Gates has enough money to buy every
house in Alaska, greedy bastard!

Did you know?...Mexico City sinks about 10 inches a year

Did you know?...It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open? Next
time you feel a sneeze coming try it!
Did you know?...The expression "to get fired" comes from long, long
ago. When clans wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without
killing them used to burn their houses down.

Did you know?...The word 'corr' actually means 'odd' in Irish.

Did you know?...Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora
la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula". In English this means 'The City
of Angels'

Did you know?...In France, a five year old child can buy an alcholic
drink in a bar
 Sex & Relationships Jokes

Dr Bob
Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt
and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while
he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Bob, don't worry about it".
"You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their
patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go..."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to
reality,
whispering:......

"Bob...........

"You're a vet".

The Confession
A man lies on his deathbed surrounded by his family, a weeping wife
and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and
athletic, but the fourth and the youngest is an ugly runt. "Darling wife,"
The husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is
mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if..."
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no
question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man dies happy.
The wife mutters under her breath, "Thank God he didn't ask me about
the other three!"

The Hit Man

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local
golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do
you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and
enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are
my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a
look?..."
"I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up
the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I
can see she's naked!
What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her. He's
naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you
charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just
shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a
few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend
impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can
save you a thousand dollars here....."

A Wish
A Fairy told a married couple: "For being an exemplary married couple
for 25 years I will give you each a wish" "I want to travel around the
world with my dearest husband" said the wife. The Fairy moved her
magic stick and abracadabra! Two tickets appeared on her hands. Now
was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well... ...
this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs
once in a lifetime. So.... I'm sorry my love, but....my wish is...to have a
wife 30 years younger than me" The wife was deeply disappointed but,
a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and....
abracadabra! ......suddenly the husband was 90 years old.

Larry & His Missus

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the
hell have you been?
"He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?"
she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in
disbelief. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill
tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow, two, once in a while I like to
play with my money, three, I like how money feels in my hand. Lastly
instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home.
and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Newlyweds
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't
know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put
the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with
satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have
escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes
but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love,
gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

A Lesson on Love
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her
daughter walks in.
"Mother, where do babies come from?"
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and
Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their
bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex."
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the
daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a
baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend.
"Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had
daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"
"Jewellery, my dear. Jewellery."

Carefull!
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out
a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches
sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

Disney
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain
about splinters when they were having sex Pinocchio, therefore, went
to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a
little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away
enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily
through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court And the judge
said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy."

A Doctors' Help
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to
have sex with him for the past six months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and
hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks
her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?
"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says,
"I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any
money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?'
So, I take an 'or what'."
"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks
me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take
an 'or what'.
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The
cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?'
Again, I take an 'or what'.
So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want
it anymore."
"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband,
or what?"

The Affair
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest
control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband came home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She shoved him
into the closet, stark naked. The husband however became suspicious,
and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone."
"What are you doing here?"
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths."
"And where are your clothes?"
The man looked down at himself and said,......
"Those little bastards!"

The Mailman
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the
whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way
with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing
lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she
closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where
she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever
experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a
giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the
cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the
dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day, and that we should do something special for you.v I
asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Premature Ejaculation
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was
affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the
doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.
In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try
startling yourself".
One the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself
a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to
his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his
wife in bed, already naked. He's so horney and keen to try out his new
'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.
After a few minutes 'slap and tickle', they find themselves in the '69'
position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden
urge to come. Following doctor's orders, he grabs the starter pistol off
the bedside table and fires it.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked,
"How did it go?"
The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my
wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbour came
out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

The Noisy Mother

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother
couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had
long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate,
and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate
than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I
know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just
roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I
doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a
gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy
ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you
were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not
saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she
was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by
now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day...Don't Lie To Your Mother.

Superheroes
At the end of a long crime fighting day, Superman decides he needs to
relax for a few hours, so he rings spiderman to see if he'd like to go out
for a drink.
Spiderman replies "No, I have to repair my web spinner."
So, Superman rings a few more of his super hero friends and they're all
busy. He decides in the end to go for a quick super-fly around the
world to clear his mind before bed time.
As he passes over Wonder-Woman's mansion he sees her lying naked
and spread eagle next to her pool.
Hmmm he thinks, with my super powers I'll fly down for a quickie and
before she realizes I'll be gone.
So he swoops down and "WHAM BAM thank you maam" and he's gone.
Wonder- Woman shrieks "What was that?"
And the Invisible Man cries "I don't know, but I've sure got a sore
ass!!!"

The Honeymoon
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log
cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday
and had not been seen for five days. An elderly couple ran the resort,
and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these
newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right.
He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside
answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love."
The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the
peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!"

The Genie
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He
picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says
"Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you
three wishes."
The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what
I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof!
There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers
appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red
Ferrari right here."
Phoof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari
appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be
irresistible to women."
Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

A Novel Communication Method....

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they
found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they
turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign
language. After several nights of fumbling around and
misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she
signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at
night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my
right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and
squeeze my left breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife,
"Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull
on penis one time."
"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty
times."

The Hippe
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next
to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"
"No," she replies, "I'm married to God."
She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell
you how to get to have sex with her!" "Yeah?" says the hippie.
"Yeah!" say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday
night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe
with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and
pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed
as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his
face. "Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question,
but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to
lose her virginity.
"'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.
As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries. "I am the hippie!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver."

Married Couple
A married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady forty
miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly
looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling," he says. "I
know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly
increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't
want you to try and talk me out of it, "he says, "because I've been
having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than
you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly
and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. "I want the
house," he says insistently.
Up to 60.
I want the car, too," he continues.
65 mph.
And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the
boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This
makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: Isn't there anything you
want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice.
No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he inquires, "so what have you got?" Just before they
slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The
airbag."

Sexual Healing
An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes
to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the
doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a
white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a
year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you
wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to
say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again
for another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and
prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers,
shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After
he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123."
Suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie he has ever had, just as the
medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from
him, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

100 Dollar Bill

One day a man walks into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist
that he wanted a 100 dollar bill tattooed on his dick, the tattoo artist
told him if he could give him three reasons why he wanted the tattoo
he would give it to him. The man says. "Well, for one, I like to play with
my money, two, I like to watch it grow, and three, if my wife wants to
blow 100 dollars again, she doesn't have to go to the mall"

How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher, a nurse or an

airline stewardess?
- A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it
right.
- A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.
- And an airline stewardess says put this over your mouth and nose
and breathe normally.

Stoopid People Jokes

Three Brothers
Three brothers got jobs in a lumber mill. At the end of the 1st day the
boss paid all three with one check for $5.00 "What are we gon do with
5 bucks Beaufort? That ain't much for all three of us?
"Let me think about it."
Next day Beaufort comes home beaming with pride. "Looky what I got
with our money and still have some left over. He then pulls a box of
tampons from the bag.
"What the hell are we gon do with tampons Beaufort?"
"Well looky right'cheer boy, it says we can go swimming, hiking, ride
horses or anything else we want to do!!

A Present for Mother

His mother was now living in Miami Beach and the young man didn't
see her that often. His father was no longer around and he was worried
that Mom was lonely. For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot,
trained to speak seven languages. He had a courier deliver the bird to
his dear mother. A few days later, he called.
"Ma, what do you think of the bird?"
"The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer."
"You ate the bird? Ma, the bird was very expensive. It spoke seven
languages!"
"Oh, excuse me. But, if the bird was so smart, why didn't it say
something when I put it in the oven?"

The Trial
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The
cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.
The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of
the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather
fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits
up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain,
so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be
easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in
laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked,
"Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one
replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

The "Buffalo Theory" of Beer..

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that
are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the
regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain
cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain
cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why
beer is so GOOD for you!

Redneck Logic
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and
thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math,
history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a
weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the
professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a
yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." v
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
The redneck was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are
heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever
heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back
into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the
first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"

The Bar
A woman walks into a bar and sees a rather handsome looking man
seated by himself.. Seizing the chance she goes up to him and starts
making conversation
WOMAN: "hey there.. so what have you got drinking there "
MAN: *sighs*... "yeah.. if you really must know its magic beer.. "
WOMAN: "oh yeah.. pshhh what ever.. oh yeah then prove it! "
MAN: *gets up and flies around the room 3 times and sits back down*
WOMAN: "OH MY GOD THATS AMAZING!!!... BARTENDER.. GET ME
WHAT EVER THAT MAN IS DRINKING!!!!"
The bartender then hands over the beer, the woman drinks down every
last drop.. Takes a run up and jumps out the window plummeting 10
floors to here death.. The bartender then looks at the man.. shaking his
head
BARTENDER: "you know what.. you're such an arse when your drunk,
Superman"

Bush and Saddam Meeting

Bush and Saddam sit down in a private meeting in Baghdad. Both sit in
separate arm chairs.
Whilst talking, Saddam pushes a button and a glove comes out and
hits bush square on the jaw. He starts laughing hysterically but bush
lets it slide.
20 minutes later, Saddam pushes another button and a mechanical
foot comes out and gives bush a belter on the shins. Again hysterical
laughter but bush wants diplom*oil*acy so he ignores it.
Another 20 minutes and Saddam pushes a third button on the armchair
and bush gets hit in the gut by the fist and in the groin by the foot.
Saddam is crying with laughter and bush finally gets up and leaves
saying to Saddam let our next meeting be in Washington.

*next meeting*

Saddam comes into the white house and sees two arm chairs, the one
bush is sitting in has three buttons on one of the arms.
In the discussion bush presses each of the buttons and each time
Saddam craps himself whilst bush laughs uncontrollably. Nothing
happens to Saddam each time
Saddam leaps up and cries "that's it! I'm going back to Baghdad" after
the third time, Bush just sits back and laughs
"WHAT BAGHDAD????"

The Greatest Excuse Ever

"Ok I went golfing last Sunday and I was just about to swing when I
heard a frog croak, to me it sounded just like "croak, three wood,
croak" so I put my club away and brought out my 3 wood, I mean why
not? I took my swing and the ball landed 3 feet from the hole on the
green. I decided to see if his wasn't just a one hit wonder and so I took
him around all 18 holes and played the best game of my life.
I took the frog home and decided to go to Las Vegas and try the frog
out there, I COULD WIN BIG!! I thought to myself. I took the frog into
the nearest casino and won 30 grand for the night, I was so incredibly
happy.
I took the frog up to where I was staying and asked 'you have helped
me out so much, how could I ever repay you?' the frog replied with
"kiss me, kiss me" I thought what the hell, it has helped me so much
and it asked so little, so I did, after that kiss the frog turned into a
beautiful 16 year old girl, and that Your Honour is exactly what
happened"

The Asylum
A guy has a flat tire on the road by a fence of an asylum for mentally ill
patients. While changing the tire he manages to lose the lug nuts and
can't secure the spare tire to the car. An inmate standing by the fence
is watching and says "Take one nut off the other three tires until you
can replace the ones you lost." The motorist is dumbfounded and says
"how did you come up with that? That's a really good idea." The
patient says "I'm mentally ill, not stupid."
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what
the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.
Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub."
Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a room with or without a view?"

A Man, an Ostrich & a Cat

A man, an ostrich & a cat walk into a bar and..... The bartender says,
"What would you like Sir?" The man says, "I'll have a pint of beer." He
looks at the ostrich and says, "What will you have?" "I'll have a pint of
beer" says the ostrich. He looks at the cat, "What will you have?" "Half
a pint of beer - but I'm not paying." "That will be £12.65" says the
bartender. So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly
£12.65.
The next day after work the man goes into the same bar. What'll it be
today?" says the bartender. "Double whisky on the rocks" says the
man. He looks at the ostrich and says, What will you have?" "I'll join
him in a double whisky" says the ostrich. He looks at the cat, "What will
you have?" "Half a pint of beer-but I'm not paying" says the cat. "That
will be £21.95" says the bartender. So the man reaches into his pocket
and pulls out exactly £21.95.
The next day after work the man goes into the same bar. "Excuse me"
the
bartender, says, "I was just wondering why, no matter what the price,
you always have the exact change in your pocket?" "Well" says the
man, "when my grandmother died she left me everything in her house
and inside there was a lamp. So I rubbed it and out popped a genie. It
granted me three wishes. So I asked that every time I wanted to buy
something I would have the exact change in my pocket".
"That's brilliant" says the bartender.
"You'll never ever run out of money. What else did you ask for?" The
man sighs and says,
"A bird with long legs and a tight pussy!!"

Yet Another Genie....

A guy goes in a bar, orders a drink and sits there stewing. Bartender
says "hey pal, things always get better, here's one on house. By the
way what's in the box?"
The guy opens it, obviously agitated. Inside is a tiny grand piano and a
one foot tall man. The little man sits down at the piano and proceeds
to outplay the musical geniuses of the classical era.
The bartender says "Wow!! How can you be so undone with this?!? You
can be rich!"
The guy then explains he found the old lamp, rubbed it and as the
story goes out popped a genie.
"And this is what I got. The S.O.B. was half deaf. Do you really think I
asked him for a 12 inch pianist??"

You got Mail

CHARLIE SAYS: "Daddy, how was I born?"
DAD SAYS: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room
on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at
a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother
agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to
upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and
since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a
blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!"

Peanuts
In San Diego in the late 1980's, a man named Tony visited an old
people's home and began speaking with an elderly lady. As he talked,
he helped himself to peanuts from a jar at the side of the old woman's
chair. After some time, he asked the woman if she would like a peanut.
She replied, "Oh, I can't eat the things dear. I just suck the chocolate
off and drop them in a jar beside my chair."

Pig Thief
In Duluth, Minnesota, a man named Jack Pettit was arrested on a
charge that he stole a neighbour's pig. His attorney maintained that he
was innocent and filed that the case be dismissed through lack of
evidence. The judge agreed and the case was dismissed. Jack Pettit
then thanked the judge and asked, "But do I have to give back the
pig?"

Students
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this
bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and
said, 'Take what you want.'"
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."

The Greedy Trader

A successful trader parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office
ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out a lorry came along
too close to the kerb and completely tore off the driver's side. The
trader immediately grabbed his mobile and dialled 999. It wasn't more
than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the policeman
had a chance to ask any questions, the trader started screaming how
his car, which he just picked up that day, was completely ruined and
would never be the same again. After the trader finally finished his
rant, the policeman shook his head in disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you traders are," he said "You're so
focused on your possessions you don't notice anything else" "How can
you say that?" asked the trader.
The policeman replied, "Didn't you realise that your left arm is missing
from your elbow down? It's been torn off from when the truck hit you"
The trader looked down in absolute horror.
"Fucking Hell!" he screamed… "Where's my rolex?"

Ralph and Edna

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and
stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
bottom and pulled Ralph out. When the Head Nurse Director became
aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be
discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be
mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good
news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since
you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving
the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays
sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved,
hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom right after you
saved him. I am so sorry, but he is dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?"

ATR
In a hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the
men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his
predicament. Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you
promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons
he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters:
WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he
touched them? He couldn't resist.
He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice
things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA
button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his
underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large
powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring
flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving.
When the powder puff completed, he couldn't wait to push the ATR
button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew
he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring
down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was
pushing the ATR button. The nurse replied, "The button marked ATR is
an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

Two Ladies
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom,
cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: "What in the hell is that?"
Mabel: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
Maude: "Where did you get it?"
Mabel: "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

Blonde Jokes

A Clever Blonde
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight
from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like
to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer
persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,
you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries
to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the
answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask
me, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he
will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and,
figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays,
agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't
say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and
hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.
She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes
down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone
with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.
Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he
knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and
hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to
get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and
asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde
reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Handy-man
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as
a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he
had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her
that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The
man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her
husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the
house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I
had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man
reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added,
"that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

A woman was in her front yard, moving her lawn when her attractive
blonde neighbour came out of his house and went straight to the
mailbox. He opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the
house. A little while latter, he came out and again he checked his
mailbox and angrily stormed back into his house. As the woman was
getting ready to mow the lawn...he came out again, marched to the
mailbox, opened it and slammed it closed. Puzzled by his actions the
woman asked hin "Is something wrong?". To which he replied, "There
certainly is!.......

My stupid computer keeps saying "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!""

A blond was driving along a country road, listening to the radio. The
D.J. was telling blonde jokes one after the other and she got extremely
pissed off and turned off the radio.
She continued down the road, and in a field she saw another blond in a
canoe trying to row across the field. She stopped and got out of the
car, and yelled across to the other blond, "It's Blondes like you who
make everyone think I'm stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and
give you a piece of my mind!"

Why did the blonde climb over the invisible wall?

To see what was on the other side

How do you know if a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
There are smartie shells all over the place

How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?

Wave

How do you kill a blonde?

Put a mirror on the bottom of a pool

What do beer bottles and blondes have in common?

They are both empty from the neck up

What was the first thing the blonde learnt on her first driving lesson?
You can sit upright in cars

Why do blondes where panties?

They make good ankle warmers

What's the difference between bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?

People have claimed to have seen bigfoot

How do you confuse a blonde?

Put her in a circle room and tell her to sit in the corner

How do you tell if a blonde has been using your dishwasher?

It's full of soggy paper plates

How did the blonde try to kill the fish?

Drown it

How did the blonde try and kill the bird?

Threw it off a cliff

What's the difference between a blond and an ironing board?

Sometimes the legs on an ironing board are hard to open!

How do you tell if a blond has been using the PC?

There is white-out on the screen.
plus there is a condom on the joy stick
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
~ she called me to get my phone number.
~she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said
"concentrate."
~ she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her
mind.
~ she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
~ she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
~ she tried to drown a fish.
~ she thought a quarterback was a refund.
~ she tripped over a cordless phone.
~she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
~she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
~she studied for a blood test.
~she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
~ when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she
moved.
~ when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
~when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport
Left" she turned around and went home

The Lottery
A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," he prays, "if I
don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the
lottery."
Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. He prays even harder,
saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving.
Please just let me win this once."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God
speak.
"Mate, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."

The Injured Blonde

A blonde walks into a doctor's office and tells the doctor she's broken
every single bone in her body. "That's impossible!" says the doctor.
The blonde says, "No, it's really true. Look!" She then touches her leg
with her index finger and screams "Ouch!" Then she touches her arm
and yells "Eeeeoooow!" Finally she touches her ribs and can barely
maintain her composure as the tears start to roll down her face. She
says, "See, I told you I broke every bone in my body."
The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination. "Well,
miss," he tells her, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The
good news is, you haven't broken every bone in your body. The bad
news is, you've broken your finger."

The Execution
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a
redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward,
and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner
asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes
execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The
guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last
requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

Alligator Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She
wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very
reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of
the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch
my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!'
The shopkeeper said, 'By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out
and catch yourself a big one!'
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on
catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving
home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the
water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator
swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and
with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying
nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper
watches in amazement.
Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated,
shouts out, 'Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!'

Did you hear about the blonde that...

Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a
slope.
Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the
box said "2 to 4 years"
Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".
Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per
pound and she weighed 125.
After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that
the other swimmers were using their arms.

The Ladies Bar

A blind man enters a Ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a
barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to
the bartender: "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice,
the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is
just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares: "Nah,
not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".

An Educated Blonde
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only
count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy,
Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the
other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f,
g!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy,
Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we
showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she
lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."

More Jokes
Emailed by Emma, Zach, Jellyfur & Rob S

A Clever Kid
It was the first day of school and a new 4th grade student named
Pedro. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American
history."
Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher.
"Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the
people, shall not perish from the earth?'"
Again, no response except from Pedro. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the students, "Class, you should be ashamed!
Pedro, who is new, knows more about history than you do!"
A student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra
Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Shop at Wal-Mart
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind
him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen,
you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. There's a
diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and
the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It
takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds
later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak
your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two
weeks."
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries backto
Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in
his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the
following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo(Aisle7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart "

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman

standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -
cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
"Beertits," he said

Michael Jackson
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new
baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can
have sex?"
The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

Little Red Riding Hood (missing, for some reason, from the original
story)
One day, Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest when she
sees a wolf sitting under a tree with his ears erect and his mouth
stretched in a big toothy grin. She says to the wolf, "My, what big ears
you have!" The wolf just grins and looks a bit wild about the eyes. She
says, "My, what big eyes you have!" The wolf grins a bit wider and
looks slightly harassed. She says,"My, what big teeth you have!"
"Look" says the wolf looking her in the eye, "Fuck off! I'm trying to take
a dump!"

Navajo
About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon
mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the
Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface.
Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large
figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.
Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange
creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two
Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel.
Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the
strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are
just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became
very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with
the astronauts.
The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a
tape recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his
son to translate. His son would not.
Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and
every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate.
Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch
out for these guys, they come to take your land."

Life
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough.
It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get in the end of it? A death.
What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way.
You wake up in an old age home, feeling better every day. You get
kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when
you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink like a fish, party your ass off, - you've only got a few years
left, so why not?!?
Then you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you
become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a
baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with
luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters
everyday!

NASA
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, NASA decided it
needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its
space capsules.
After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was
developed at a cost of $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed
some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

Gorilla Removers
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks
in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla
Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be
over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder,
a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going
to do", the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When
the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not
let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the
cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?"
asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the fucking dog!

The nightmare
A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is
having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK?
The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had
died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends
him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him
goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes
his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy
had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends
him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him
goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes
his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had
died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to
bed. v The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so
terrified.
The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die.
After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision.
He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids
everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every
noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife.
"Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my
entire life!"
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped
dead on the doorstep this morning."

Chemistry
A major research institution has announced the discovery of the
heaviest element yet know to science - "governmentium." It has 1
neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 111 assistant
deputy neutrons for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are
held together by forces called morons that are further surrounded by
vast quantities of lepton-like sub particles called peons.
Governmentium has no electrons and is therefore inert. It can be
detected however since it impedes every reaction it comes into
contact with. A tiny amount of governmentium can take a reaction that
normally occurs in seconds and slow it to the point where it take days.
Governmentium has a normal half life of three years. It doesn't decay
but "re- organizes", a process where assistant deputy neutrons and
deputy neutrons change places. This process actually causes it to grow
as in the confusion some morons become neutrons, thereby forming
isotopes.
This phenomenon of "moron promotion" has led to some speculation
that governmentium forms whenever sufficient morons meet in
concentration forming critical morass. Researches believe that in
Governmentium, the more you re- organize, the morass you cover.

Speeding Cheeky Bugger

While I was driving down the M1 the other day, (going a little faster
than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a
policeman on the other side with a radar gun, laying in wait. The
policeman pulled me over, walked up to the car and with that classic,
patronising smirk, asked: "Runway too short"?
To which I replied. "I'm late for work"
To which he asked, "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The policeman was surprised and confused. "A what"
"A rectum stretcher" - "and just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said "I start by inserting one finger then I work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four then with my whole hand in, work
side to side until I can stretch and stretch and then I slowly but surely
stretch the hole until it's about 6 feet"
Then the policeman asked questioningly and cautiously. "And just what
do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give it a radar gun and park it behind a
bridge..."
Speeding ticket: Ł105,
Court Costs: Ł45,
Look on copper's face: Priceless....

Post Office
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to
process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter
came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should
open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday

someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I
had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had
invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have
nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my
only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day,
all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she
would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from
the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter
was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of
your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We
had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the
way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving
bastards at the Post Office.

How to avoid a speeding fine....

A man is pulled over for speeding. The officer get out of his car walks
up to the drivers window.
Officer - "Can I see your licence please sir?"
Man - "I don't have one"
Officer - "Right, well can I see your proof of ownership for this vehicle?"
Man - "It's not my car"
Officer - "Well where is the owner?"
Man - "I Killed him, he's in the trunk!"
The officer pulls out his gun and backs slowly away towards his cruiser.
About 10 minutes pass and the police commissioner arrives along with
full SWAT.
The commissioner walks up to the driver's window.
Commissioner - "Is everything alright sir?"
Man - "Fine thank you"
Commissioner - "This officer tells me you stole this car, killed the driver
and don't have a licence. Is this true sir?"
Man - "No it's not."
With this the man produces his licence, proof of ownership and he
opens the trunk and shows it empty.
Man - "I bet that bastard told you I was speeding as well didn't he?"

Captain Bravo
Long ago there lived a brave seafarer named Captain Bravo. He was a
courageous man who showed no fear in facing his enemies.
One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship,
and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my
red shirt."
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and, after
donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the
pirates.
Later on, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The
captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the
pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's
triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for
your red shirt before each battle?" The captain replied: "If I am
wounded in the attack, my crew won't notice my bleeding and will
continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marvelled
at the courage of their captain.
As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two,
but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the
captain and waited for his usual request.
Captain Bravo calmly shouted: "Bring me my brown pants!"

A Solution to a Common Problem

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But a new expressway bypass
meant an alarming increase in traffic. In fact, it was so heavy and so
fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three a day.
So he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something
about these people driving too fast and killing all of my chickens."
So the next day the sheriff went out and put up a sign that read:
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later the farmer called again and said, "You've got to do
something about these drivers. The School Crossing sign seems to
make them go faster."
So, again, the sheriff went out and put up a new sign: SLOW:
CHILDREN AT PLAY.
No good. So the farmer calls again... and again, everyday for three
weeks, but the sheriff just doesn't have time to put up signs every
week. Finally, the telephone calls stop, and the sheriff becomes very
curious. So he drives out to the farmer's house, and there on the edge
of the road he sees a new sign. It's a whole sheet of plywood. And
written in large yellow letters are the words:

SLOW: NUDIST COLONY

The Pirate
A pirate walks into a bar; he has a wooden leg, a hook on his arm and
an eye patch. He hobbles over to the bar and says, "Give us a mug of
your finest bourbon me land legged friend". So the barmen pour him a
drink. The barman becomes curious as to why he has a wooden leg, a
hook and an eye patch, and curiosity gets the better of the barman, so
he asks why he has a wooden leg? The Pirate says "arghh me matey,
its quite a story, I was at sea and was sailing the seven seas and doing
a bit of fishing on one of the planks, and a shark jumped
up and bit off me leg". The barman then asked about the hand? The
pirate said "garrr, when the shark bit me I punched it to get away and
he bit off me hand so I got this hook put on!" the barman finally asked
about his eye patch? The pirate said "arghhh, I looked to the sky and a
seagull shit in my eye!". The barman said, "it shit in you eye? How'd
that take your eye out?" the pirate said "first day with my new hook!"

Fun Things to do in a Crowded Lift

1)Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2) Shake the person's hand when he/she enter the lift.

3) Congratulate all for being in the same lift with you.

4) Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to
other passengers.

5) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:

"Shut up, all of you just shut UP!".

6) Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

7) Sell Girl Scout cookies.

8) On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the

elevator.

9) Shave.
10) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask:
"Got enough air in there?"

11) Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours
upside-down.

12) Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without
getting off

13) When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors
open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

14) Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol

coming!"

15) Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake

and ask them to call you Admiral.

16) One word: Flatulence!

17) On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay
open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink"
at the bottom.

18) Do Tai Chi exercises.

19) Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then

announce: "I've got new socks on!"

20) When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh,
not now, motion sickness!"

21) Give religious tracts to each passenger.

22) Meow occasionally.

23) Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

24) Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

25) Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

26) Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

27) Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

28) Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

29) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one
of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

30) Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"

31) Leave a box between the doors.

32) Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

33) Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers

"through" it.

34) Start a sing-along.

35) When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your
beeper?"

36) Play the harmonica.

37) Say "Ding!" at each floor.

38) Lean against the button panel.

39) Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

40) Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

41) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
other passengers that this is your "personal space."

42) Bring a chair along.

43) Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see
wha in muh mouf?"

44) Blow spit bubbles.

45) Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

46) Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host
body."

47) Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

48) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

49) Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

50) Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."

51) Announce to the person stood next to you "I really need the toilet.
Can I use your bag?"

52) Ask the other passengers "Wouldn't be great if this lift were to
plumment to the floor, what do you think will happen?"

53) Petend to get your leg stuck in the door as it closes

53) Without letting anyone see, press the emergency stop button. Act
surprised and start talking to yourself "its ok, it wasnt your fault you
killed your family. It was SATAN, damm you SATAN! DAMN YOU!!!"
Then press the stop button again and act as if nothing has happened.

54) Scratch yourself excessively saying "fucking headlice. They're all

over me. I knew I shouldn't have played with that dog so much"

55) Set out a pinic set on the floor and suggest to the other passengers
to join you in afternoon tea

56) Break wind and blame it on the person next to you

57) Pretend your are a repair man here to fix the lift. Wait untill its
busy and tell everyone to get out of the lift. You get in, get your paper
out and sit and relax

58) Start to talk about your sexlife. Tell them that all of your three
children were concived in this very lift. And point and say "it was up
against that wall"

59) Have sex with your imaginary friend

60) Say you have just won the lottery and you are on your way to
collect your winnings. See how many people are listening to you

61) As the lift descends, shout "Bombs away!"

62) Offer to polish their shoes. When they say no, tell them you need
the money to feed your ten starving children back home in Estonia

63) Hand out leaflets - "what to do when the lift cable breaks. The ten
tips that will keep your body in one pice (although these tips will not
save your life, it will make the rescue a bit cleaner, and we wont have
to spend ages cleaning the blood of the walls) Hope you will live to do
it again!"

64) Perform a striptease

65) Act surprised when it starts to move and say "THE GROUND IS
FALLING!"

66) Fake an orgasam when the lift starts to move. Announce that it
was your best ever

67) Let your mobile phone ring - don't anwser it.

68) Walk in to the lift with a clear bottle of apple juice. Start drinking
and say "ah, theres nothing like your own urine to quench your first.
Does anyone want some?"

69) Say "this new g-sring is really starting to hurt." Then attempt to
adjust it.

70) Walk into the lift and say "this reminds me of being burried alive.
Ah those were the days"

71) Suggest to the other passengers that you all should play a game of
twister. Then get out the board and lie it on the floor

72)Paint the walls of the lift.

73) On entering, ask the passengers "Will you be my fwiend?". Burst

into tears if they say no.

74) Stop the lift and say "twenty years in prison for murdering the
whole family, and I get stuck in a lift after being out for two hours. Just
my luck!"

75) Get back to nature - go in naked

76) Pretend to be the pilot of the lift, speach into a headset "this is lift
number 1, ready for decent to 1st floor. Waiting for permission to
depart, over"

77) Announce in a computer like voice "this lift will self destruct in 5 4
3 2 .....oh heres my floor"
78) Serve tea and coffee

79) Take shoes off before entering, Look shocked and disgusted when
the others dont

80) Act like the sergent of the lift. Order people around. Tell them to
get in line.

81) Suggest to the other people that your should play musical statues.
Bring a tape recorder along too

82) Teach the people french. Dont let them leave till they get it right

83) As you are coming to the end of the journey, get enmotional and
have a group hug. Tell them that you will never forget them.

84) Insist, the lift ride costs £2.50

85) Describe in detail, how you're "hung like a horse"

86) Pretend to be a flight attendant (particularly affective if you are

dressed like one), instruct the passengers on what to do in an
emergency

87) Yodel

88) Bring out a magnifying glass, closey inspect the other passengers
skin and say "ooh, look at your pores"

89) Sing "I know a song that will get on your nerves, get on your
nerves, get on your nerves, get, get, get on your nerves" Over and
over again.

90) Ask the others "Do you mind if I do my eminem impression?", then
bring out a chainsaw and a mask.

91) Try breakdancing

92) Bring out a fake toy gun and shout to the person next to you "you
lookin' at me?"

93) Challenge the guy stood next to you to a "thumb war".

94) Explain your ideas of world domination to the wall.

95) Force people to read to Kama Sutra while asking "do you wanna try
this one?"

96) Dress up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and in a deep
voice announce "it is time..."

97) Pretend to see a spider, repeatedly and violently stamp on the

floor while screaming "Die you bastard, die DIIEEE!"

98) While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!"
then whistle innocently.

99) If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

100) Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.

101) Explain to the passengers that this lift looks the same as the ones
on all the other floors.

102) Re-enact scenes from a movie where someone climbs out through
the roof.

103) Tell people their clothes are stuck in the lift door, when the look
round and see it isn't, apologise, then 5 seconds later say it again in
exactly the same tone of voice.

104) Strip naked and ask if 'your' (not my) bum looks big in this dress.

105) Release cockroaches and rats or doves.

106) Ask people which floor they want, say in 'Who want to be a
millionaire' style is that your final answer.

107) Point a fire extinguisher at the door as it opens and a passenger

tries to enter, ready, aim, and bend the nozzle round and cover
yourself with foam.

108) Blast out some heavy metal music (Rammstein or Disturbed

oughtta do the trick) sing along, while headbanging.

109) Dress up as a bellboy and ask them what floor they want and
press the wrong one. When they try to correct you, spit,"are you trying
to say i cant do my job?!'

110) Also in your bellboy act, ask what floor they want. Whatever they
say, give them a glare and say "you should be ashamed of yourself!",
and leave the lift tutting.
Fun things do during an exam!

Emailed by Blue Lightning!

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes.
Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish
work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got
the secret documents!!"

3. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a

90 degree angle.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the teacher's
left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate
your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm
SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a
jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly
say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every
lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you?
Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer

every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the
grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of
relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the
country" and run off.

11. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into
very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry
Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam.
Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

12. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

13. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your
head, and nothing else.

14. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam.
Be as vulgar as possible.

15. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one,
make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

16. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking.
Blame it on the person nearest to you.

17. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it!

18. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be
taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let
them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of
the profits if they are allowed to stay.

19. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to
another seat, continue with the exam.

Whatever exam you're doing- Good luck everyone!!!!!

Things to do at The Movies

1. When you are choosing a seat, point at someone and say loudly in a
childish voice, "I don't want to sit to that guy, he smells funny!"

2. Everytime there is a gun shot, scream, "Hit the floooor!", jump to

the floor and cover your head.

3. Quote all dialogue five seconds after it's said on screen.

4. Ask the person at the ticket counter "Do you come here often?"

5. Start an standing ovation at the end of the movie.

6. Become a bookie. Take bets on which character (or audience

member) will die first.

7. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing"

8. Clap and cheer when the good guys gets killed.

9. During the previews, yell out "Can you fast foward it please?"

10. Try to start a Mexician wave

11. Argue that no-one can sit next to you because the seats alreadly
taken by your invisible friend.

12. Stand up during the picture and announce to the others the movies
twist.

13. Shout "look behind you!" at the actors.

14. Wear 3D glasses. Complain about how bad the effects are.

15. Everytime someone curses, cover your ears and shout "oh the
fucking profanity!"

16. Hum the theme music.

17. Bring a flashlight. During the film, perform a shadow puppet show
on the ceiling.

18. Go "Ooooooooooh...." whenever someone kisses.

19. Wear a huge fake afro wig, blocking the person behind you's view.

20. Shout out "Help, I'm a beautiful butterfly"

21. Clap loudly everytime a person walks into the theater late.

22. Enquire what the theater's return policy on popcorn is.

23. Ask a friend to sit four seats beside you and to call you to your
mobile phone, answer after a few rings and start to talk loudly about
any anoying subjects you can or about the movie.

Things you DON'T Want to Hear in Surgery

Based on an email by Steve

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Darn, there go the lights again...

Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration
off..

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here..

That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.

Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the
ape. OK, now take a picture from this angle.

This is truly a freak of nature.

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

What do you mean "You want a divorce"!

She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!

Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Anything! Period.
Funny Things to do on an Airplane
All ideas on this page were emailed to me by Frances.

1. At the airport, wear a uniform and claim you are the pilot, get
annoyed if they don't believe you but DONT give up, see how far you
can get ( WARNING, may result in you being arrested)

2. Whilst boarding the plane, say in a loud voice "THAT WING SURE
DOES LOOK RUSTY!!"

3. When everyone is seated, do your own demonstration of what to do

in an emergency, let this include 'comical' situations such as "in the
(likely) event of the plane setting alight and becoming a plummeting
fireball of death, please remember to tighten your seatbelt" look
surprised when you are the only one laughing.

4. when the plane is still on the ground, Rock back and forth in your
seat and say aloud "THIS TURBULANCE SURE IS ROUGH!!"

5. Wear rags and a headscarf, claim that your name is Svetolafoson

Frojhkyhkjuhjdj and that you are being deported back to Estonia, look
pleased when your told that this plane is not going there. say "Really?!,
u haf not met me if zey ask zen, ok?!"

6. As the plane is landing, adopt the 'Duck and Cover' position as you
scream "WE ARE GOING TO CRASH! ONLY DEATH AWAITS US ALL
NOW! DEATH I TELLS YA!!!!" when you land safely, stand up and leave
the plane normally, thank the stewardess for a lovely flight.

7. Go in to the toilet and make loud vomiting noises, keep going for a
few minutes, then come out and announce to the plane that the toilet
is blocked, act like its not your fault.

8. Stand up and ask the passengers if anyone " wants to join the mile
high club with you?" wink suggestively at various people...of both
sexes.

9. Get the pilot to show you round the cockpit, come out afterwards
and say "YOU WOULDN'T HAVE THOUGH HE COULD FLY THE PLANE
AFTER SO MUCH VODKA BUT IT JUST SHOWS, THEY REALLY ARE TRUE
PROFESIONALS!".

10. Delight your fellow passengers with your impression of a plane

crashing in to the sea, complete with sound effects.

11. Enthrall your companions on the plane by telling them that you
knew the pilot of Buddy Holly's plane and you're pretty sure he trained
at the same place as your current pilot.

12. Give a fact filled guide of the area you are flying over, this can
include " And if you look to your right you will see the wreckage of our
sister plane, after she was shot at and subsequently crashed in to that
mountain side which, as you can see, her burnt out hull remains
embedded in, the bodies were never found.'

13. Streak.

14. Occasionally scream........loudly.

15. Get up and announce that you are going to hi-jack the plane, make
to get out a gun, but act like its not there, check all your pockets and
then say " OH CRAP, I MUST HAVE LEFT IT IN THE OTHER COAT, OK,
NEVER MIND!" Sit down like nothing has happened.

16. From the second you take off, every ten seconds say in the same
voice "are we there yet?"

17. Keep sniffing around and eventually say in a loud voice "CAN YOU
SMELL BURNING?"

18. Go to the cockpit, wait a few second, then come back and say in a
loud voice, "UMM SHOULD'NT THERE BE...LIKE....A PILOT?"

19. When your on a small, ten person plane, Inform everyone that you
used to be an aerodynamic engineer and this plane is VERY badly built.

20. As you get of the plane, look worried and announce loudly" VAIT A
MINUTE, VOT IZ ZIS PLACE?! ZIS IZ NOT POLAND, VERE ZE HELL IZ
ZIS?!?!?!?"

21. If you're flying first class, make sure to sit behind someone. When
that person is sleeping, grap your motion sickness bag and vomit in it.
After you do that, hold the bag in the air and then pop it on the person.
See what happens......
How to Relieve Boredom! Part 2

Ideas for this page are by Frances, John H and his Mates!

When at work, jump on to your desk, shout "ARRIBA!" and proceed to

belly dance to a tape of 'Livin La Vida Loca'

Walk up to random people in the street and shyly ask in a baby like
voice "will *you* be my fwend?"

Have hundreds of leaflets printed reading 'Yung go Ping's Chinese

takeaway' now in association with the R.S.P.C.A.' Go ahead and leaflet
your area

Go to the Bingo, when you win, jump up and shout " HA!, I conquer you
elderlies!"

Go to the supermarket, pick up a courgette, hold it to your ear then

say, "what?!, you don't want me to eat you?, well...ok then" put it down
and move on.

Later, re-enact the Chariot scene in Ben Hur with your trolley.

While on the bus, eat a whole lettuce as if it were an apple.

Make a list of ways to relieve boredom.

When crossing the road, run across in exaggerated slow motion whilst
humming 'Chariots of fire'. When you reach the other side, slow mo
celebrate. Get emotional.

When talking to someone, look over their shoulder and suddenly

freeze, look terrified as you say "Don't. Move." start to back away. say
" I'll get help" and run off.

Put your head in a candy floss machine...see what happens.

Go to the Train station and stay on the platform, as a train is leaving,

grab a passengers hand through an open window and run along the
side of the train, all the while telling them how much you're going to
miss them and will never forget them. Done in the style of 'Brief
Encounter'.

Cello tape your mouth shut, communicate with Morse code via
blinking.

Wear a sheet as a toga, proclaim yourself to be 'Farticus' and pass

wind every time you speak your name.

Superglue a chess set to your ceiling, Like my friend Riad did!

Befriend trees.

Go around saying, "I'm sane, I swear."

Have a hotdog eating contest with yourself.

Memorize the lyrics to theme songs. E.g. pokemon, cardcaptors.

Stare at a spot in the ceiling and see how many other people you can
get to do it.

Pull the skin on your elbow and scream, "My Weinus Is So Big!"

Watch a black and white movie, mute it, and make up your own
dialogue for it.

Take the powder from Fun Dip, throw it at people and say, "Evil
begone!"

After every sentence say, "Over" and make that static noise that
walkie-talkies make.

Start every sentence with, "Momma always said"

Put tape over your nose and talk like Michael Jackson.

Pick up the coins in the fountain in the mall and scream, "I'm rich!"
Scotch tape your mouth shut, communicate with Morse code via
blinking.

Tell people they have dead spiders following them.

THINGS WE'VE LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES.

With Suggestions by Matt, Andy, Michael, Barney, LJ & Scott

1) During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip

club at least once.

2) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the
armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying
beside her.

3) The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No

one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any
other part of the building you want without difficulty.

4) When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a
bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the
exact fare.

5) Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night,

you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

6) Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you

personally at that precise moment.

7) A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of

Wembley Stadium.

8) It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are

visiting.

9) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
duty.

10)It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight

involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you
one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have
knocked out their predecessors.

11) Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make

sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
opposite.

12) An electric fence powerful enough to kill a large dinosaur will cause
no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

13) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any

strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

14) It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or

ending phone conversations.

15) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German you need not
speak the language. A German accent will do.

16) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to

turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few
moments.

17) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

18) You're very likely to survive any battle in any war - unless you
make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart
back home.

19) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating
but will wince in agony when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

20) If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a
passing St. Patrick's Day parade- at any time of the year.

21) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French
bread.

22) It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in
the control tower to talk you down.

23) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

24) Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family
every morning, even though the husband and children never have time
to eat them.

25) Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

26) If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax
and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.

27) Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man

invulnerable to bullets.
28) Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

29) All single women have a cat.

30) Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

31) One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all
than 20 men firing at one.

32) Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cutting - especially if

any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

33) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room
will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

34) Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them

35) When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
other.

36) Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal

damage despite laying entire cities to waste.

37) Whenever a natural or man-made disater is about to occur, the

hero escapes (alive) nano second before its too late and is catupulted
into the air by the force- but is never harmed

38) No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity

system is never damaged.

39) If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a
thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in
the vicinity.

40) You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need
one.

41) All Americans have phones which can reach throughout the house-
even if it has a cord. If its cordless- you can pick up perfect reception
all around the house...unless there is a insane killer about

42) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

43) Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw
the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
44) Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.

45) Building ventilation ducts are always clean.

46) Film stars are always super-human- they never need to use the
bathroom

47) Any computer, anywhere, even in the jungle, can hack into the
most secure goverment system.

48) Any aliens from outer space that you meet will speak your
language.

49) No matter how many times you punch someone they will always
come back for more - and their wounds have healed dramtically the
next day

50) All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

51) All handcuffs can easily be opened with nothing more than a paper
clip.

52) Grocery shopping bags are made out of brown paper and there is
always enough shopping to fill two bags exactly.

53) If you need to open a locked door make sure you have a credit
card handy, that will do. Unless its the door to a burning building with a
child trapped inside.

54) If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more
ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

55) If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer

beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his
forthcoming art exhibition.

56) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the

communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

57) No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic

eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

58) When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they

will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
59) Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the
price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.

60) At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

61) Should you decide to defuse a bomb don't worry which wire to cut.
You will always choose the right one.

62) Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down
three days before their retirement.

63) If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world

expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

64) Even if you've been set up for murder, been framed and you have
the whole world wide police force hunting you down, you will
automatically live happliy ever after aslong as you break away from
the police and kill the bad guy.

65) If you desire to send any car into flame for any given reason, just
shoot it three times, even though in real life you could stand right
infront of a vechile and shoot the gun into the gas tank, it wouldnt
ignite the fuel, only 1 or 2 bullets in the world can cause a spark, and it
seems every police man in movies who blow up vehicles have those
bullets!

66) Any woman who has just witnessed her father ,(brother, husband,
fammily member ect) killed right there infront of her, will never be
traumatised , morn, or be effected in anyway to resist making love to
the hero who saved her!

68) Why when the hero of the movie gets the girl at the end , it seems
like they will live happily ever after, yet dosent even mention her name
or remember her in sequals!

69)You never need to look up the phone number for the pizza delivery
service and the delivery guy is always psycic -you never need to tell
him where you live or what you want on your pizza.

70) After witnessing a horrible crime being committed- don't call the
cops, instead conduct your own Private Eye investigation.

71) If a lifetime of watching movies has taught me anything at all, it's

to MAKE SURE that a captured secret agent is dead BEFORE you walk
away from your miscellaneous torture device.
72) That, and to always look behind you when you hear menacing
violin music begin to play.

73) In school, teachers will always be interrupted mid-sentence by the

end-of-class bell.

74) Rather than wasting bullets, Megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch
enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems,
deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks which will allow their
captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

75) Never disarm a bomb unless it has one second left on the timer.
The same goes for escaping from areas with a timed locking
mechanism.

76) Always trust the most annoying person you can find because
he/she will always survive.

77) If you are being chased by zombies run as fast as you can, even
though they can barely walk they will still catch up with you.

78) Secret agents cannot drown because they have special lungs that
allow them to breathe forever.

79) If someone you love dies then start mourning and crying, doing so
will mean that they will then magically appear in front of you!

80) If someone or something is about to kill you and you have a gun
then you are screwed because even if you have a loaded gun, the
bullets will mysteriously disappear once you start shooting.

81) If you are in a vehicle and you have a vision of a huge accident and
then get out of it then beware, because afterwards, any random object
could kill you in any random way. (From Final Destination)

82) If your wife is having an affair, never kill the person she is having it
with, you may have to eat him the next day. (From The Cook, The Wife,
The Thief and Her Lover)

83) No matter what your mission is you will be given the lastest gadget
(or have it installed in your car), which will be the exact thing you need
to complete your mission (and it will always work). Also no matter how
much experince and trainning someone has shoting, they will always
miss the hero.

84) No matter how fast someone runs through the woods, the killer will
be able to walk and manage to get just in front of the person as they
fall or turn around.

85) All of the killers victims will fall out of trees and become visible
only when the last person alive is running for their lives.

86) Being a camp counsellor at a summer camp is as good as a death

sentence

87) All zombies roaming the streets have only been bit once or twice,
yet when a zombie gets someone on screen they always tear them to
pieces

88) Two gophers and a piece of clothes can be made into the deadly
weapon known as gopfer-jakus
 New Arrivals:Did You Know That...?

The first air ambulance service was established 1928 in the Australian
outback?
During a free fall you reach speeds of about 200 km/h?
The international airport in Iraq now has the Iraq's first Burger King?
North Korea has an official homepage?
North Korea has built a 330 meter tall pyramid in white concrete called
the Ryugyong Hotel?
China is called Zhongguo in Chinese?
The first Burger King restaurant was called Insta Burger King, opened
1954 in Miami?
China is the biggest consumer and producer of chopsticks?
A honey bee dies after it stings?
The South Pole has no sun for 182 days each year?
Vancouver Island is the largest island off the North American west
coast?
The lowest temperature ever recorded is -89.2 °C, Vostok Antarctica on
21 July 1983?
The greatest snowfall in North America in one day was 76 inches in
Silver Lake, Colorado,14 April 1921?
There are 6374.6 miles of streets in New York City?
When a dog blinks it shows friendliness?
Napoleon died of arsenic poisoning?
The Giant Amazon Water Lily has the largest leaves in the world?
The Iolani Palace of Oahu is the only royal palace in the United states?
There is no word for "weather" in the Hawaiian language, probably
because the weather is so good most of the time?
Bratislava and Vienna are the two closest capital cities in the world,
only 40 miles apart?
The highest temperature recorded at the South Pole was minus 13
degrees centigrade?
A TV screen shows 24 pictures each second. A fly sees 200 images a
second. Therefore a fly will see TV as still pictures with darkness in
between?
All insects have six legs in the adult stage?
A shrimp's heart is in its head?
In Japan you eat your soup with chopsticks?
Normally, Japanese kitchens don't have ovens?
There are wild monkeys in Japan?
Hens dont have teeth?
Wine contains no cholesterol and no fat at all?
Peanuts grow underground?
All porcupines float in water?
Parrotfish makes their own sleeping bag to sleep in?
In India, Dutta Samant led a year-long strike in 1982 involved about
200000 workers?
England's national sport is cricket and not football?
Mexico is the only country using silver in it's circulating coinage?
An F1 car is made up of about 80000 components?
Mexico City sinks several inches every year?
Maine produces about 98-99% of all wild blueberries in the US?
VOLVO means "I roll" in latin?
An aircraft with more than 19 seats is required to have a flight
attendant?
In only 1 minute a human body will produce about 100000 kilometres
of DNA?
For a few days after 9/11 the average temperature range in the United
States rose one degree Centigrade(global dimming)?
Slugs have 4 noses?
Animals that lay eggs don't have belly buttons?
The Phrase "running amok" comes from a disorder found in New
Guinea men?
You can get a wedding Insurance. If your wedding rings are lost or
some other catastrophe should happend some companies will cover it
for you?
In Japan, the green traffic light is called "blue"?
There are no 24 hour ATMs in Japan?
The North America blackout in 2003 affected about 40 million
Americans?
There is usally no insulation in Japanese homes' walls?
There are about 200 volcanoes in Japan?
Women surfers dates back to the early 1800s?
There is an island in Thailand named after James Bond?
Until the early 40's there were no roads on Koh Samui?
Japan has about 3 smaller earthquakes every day of the year?
Paris Hilton has been bitten by a kinkajou?
The first foreigners where allowed into Lhasa in 1979?
The world's largest bat can be found in Singapore?
Comets are mostly made up of ice while asteroids are mostly made up
of rocks?
In May 2002 Singapore took a record with 11967 people line dancing at
the same time?
The moon reflects only 6% of all light which falls upon it?
Singapore is home to the world's first night zoo?
Pluto is no longer considered as a planet?
MySpace.com with over 100 million members is the most popular
website in the United States?
The brain has over 100 billion nerve cells?
Texas is one of the top pickup trucks sellers in the US?
There are sweeteners that are about 200000 times sweeter than
sugar?
You can walk on custard because it will get thick when pressure is
applied to it?
To become airborne when full of blood a mosquitoes will drop some
ballast to became lighter?
The average mosquito has 47 teeth?
Garlic can be effective as a mosquito repellent?
A mosquito weighs about 2.5 milligrams?
Potatoes originally came from the Incas in Peru?
There are 1.600 rivers in China?
Flights between Hong Kong and mainland China are classed as
international flights?
There are about 8.500 Indian restaurants in the UK?
Frankencycle is the worlds largest bicycle, its wheels are 3.05m tall?
Syracuse (Upstate New York) has the only upside-down traffic light in
the US?
Walking sideways burns much more calories than walking forward?
Lobster used to be poor people's food?
Glaciers cover about 10% of the Earth's surface?
The longest recorded game of chess is 192 moves?
Almost 90% of an iceberg is below water?
Over 40% of the population in Alaska fish?
Spanish is the first language in more than 20 countries?
Sand fleas stay below the surface until they smell blood?
There are five species of Pacific salmon?
Ships captains used to keep pigs on board?
There are 318,979,564,000 possible ways of playing the first four
moves in Chess?
Arabic is read from right to left?
In 1825 some people believed that people traveling by trains moving
at a speed of more than 12 miles per hour could get mental problems?
There is a Chinatown in Shanghai?
China manufactures about 70% of the world's toys?
Thailand has about 26 million registered vehicles?
Annapurna is the world's deadliest 8000 meter peak?
The gold stars on the Chinese flag represent the 5 major ethnic groups
living in China?
There are about 1.3 million vehicles in Metro Manila?
In the 1500s most people got married in June after their yearly bath in
May?
The longest possible eclipse of the Sun is 7.31 minutes?
In 1541 Texas was called Tejas?
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise?
The first Filipino-Spanish dictionary was printed in 1613?
Billy the Kid was born in New York City, 1859?
The Pentagon has 17.5 miles of corridors?
All distances like towns and landmarks in the Philippines is measured
from the Rizal Park in Manila?
Rain travels approximately 8 mph?
The largest wild animal in the Philippines is the tamaraw. It can only be
found in Mindoro?
Philippines is one of the top SMS user in the world?
Hispanics are the fastest growing population in the United States?
About 400000 Canadians of Filipino origin live in Canada?
Humans babies are born without Kneecaps?
John Mills from New Zealand became the first left hander to score a
century on his test debut in 1930?
There are two different kinds of pandas, the long-tailed Himalayan
carnivore and the giant panda bear?
It took 10 years to build the Panama Canal?
Over 500 rivers run through Panama?
There are eight species of bear in the world?
There are more than 500 active volcanoes in the world?
More people are collecting stamps than any other things?
In some parts of Argentina they speak Welsh?
Patagonia, the company, was the first to produce fleece made out of
recycled plastic bottles?
There are about 800 earthquakes per year in British Columbia?
The first stamp in Canada was called the Three-Pence Beaver?
The geographical heart of Europe is Lithuania?
The Austrians invented the croissant?
The coast redwood is the tallest living thing on our planet and stand up
to 250 feet tall?
MS Word has Wal-Mart in it's dictionary?
The word "dinosaur" comes from a Greek word meaning terrible lizard?
The fly's foot is a suction cup?
The face of the Sphinx is believed to represent pharaoh Khafre?
Some insects are able to walk on water?
The average lightning Stroke is about 6 miles long?
In 1950 a kitten climbed all the way to the top of Matterhorn in the
Alps(14691 ft)?
About 70% of the world's fresh water is stored as glacial ice?
Lightning strikes the earth about 6000 times each minute?
A Martian year is 687 days long?
Rocks called pumice are created during a volcanic eruption and these
rocks can float?
Fires usually move faster uphill than downhill?
The Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood?
Oak trees do not have acorns until they are at least 50 years old?
To create elements heavier than iron requires the energy from a
supernova?
All owls lay pure white eggs?
The word abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order?
A giraffe's tongue is 18 to 20 inches long and black?
The word Taxi is spelled the same in English, German, French,
Swedish, Dutch and Portuguese languages ?
At any given time about 0.7% of the world's population are estimated
to be drunk?
The average person will spend about 2 weeks during their lifetime
waiting for the traffic light to change?
Alfred Wolfram from New Brighton kissed 8001 people in just 8 hours?
The average person will spend about 25 years sleeping?
The average adult has a brain that weighs around 3 pounds?
About 50% of all people have their first kiss before they are 14?
A man's beard contains normally between 7000 and 15000 hairs?
The average person will spend about 4000 days of work during their
lifetime?
There is about 1/4 pound of salt in every gallon of seawater?
In 2004 more than 5000 couples in Manila went out on the street and
kissed?
The average person will spend about 6 months on the toilet?
Ancient Egyptians didn't kissed with their mouths. Instead they kissed
with their noses?
About 75% of the world's tornadoes hit the US?
The Ethiopian calendar has 13 months?
Airbags explode at the speed of 200 miles (322 km) per hour?
Bologna also has a leaning tower, called the Garisenda tower?
The biggest hippo-tooth ever found was one meters long?
The longest Atlantic storm ever to be recorded was Ginger in 1971
wich lasted for 28 days?
The time system in Ethiopia is different than the rest of the world. 6
am is the start of the day?
Hippos have killed more people in Africa than any other wild animal?
The Fujita Tornado Intensity Scale is used to measure the intensity of a
tornado?
The dial tone of a normal telephone is in the key of "F"?
People from Niger are Nigerien. People from Nigeria are Nigerian?
Only about 10% of the lightning bolts strike the oceans?
The word hippo comes from Hippopotamus amphibius wich means
"river horse"?
Sanskrit is the mother of all the european languages?
Originally cheerleaders were all men?
The United States National Christmas Tree Association has given a
Christmas tree to the President each year since 1966?
The western redcedar tree was used by Native Americans to make
canoes and totem poles?
Christmas tree lights were first mass produced for the US market in
1890?
The first cheerleader perfomance took place at Minnesota University
during a football game in 1898?
Christmas trees takes about 7-10 years to mature?
Brazil is named after a tree?
Brazil has more species of monkeys than any other country?
Brazil covers about 50% of the South American continent?
About 500 billion cups of coffee are consumed each year?
Brazil has the biggest eucalyptus plantations in the world?
Brazil once had an emperor, in 1822?
Brazil borders every country in South America except Chile and
Ecuador?
A person who is skilled in preparing Turkish coffee is called a kahveci?
A 1200 pound horse will eat about 7 times it's own weight each year?
eBay owns PayPal?
eBay is in the top five most visited site on the Internet?
One calendar year can contain a maximum of seven eclipses of the
Sun and Moon?
The first commercial air passenger flew from Chicago to San Francisco
on July 2, 1927?
About 5 billion aluminum cans are used each year?
A ton of paper that is recycled saves about 17 trees?
Elephant's ear is unique and can be used as identification just like
fingerprints?
There are only 5 different horse colors. Theese are black, brown, bay,
chestnut, grey and white?
Elephants reach puberty at thirteen or fourteen years of age?
There are about 35 species of seahorse?
Starfish have no brain?
Elephant ears are used to regulate body temperature?
A starfish can regrow an arm if it is torn off?
Elephants are able to cry?
Merapi is the most active volcano in Indonesia with 68 eruptions since
1548?
The Cuexcomate volcano in Mexico, 13 meters/43 feet tall, is
considered to be the world's smallest volcano?
The red traffic light contains some orange color and the green traffic
light contains some blue color making it easier for people with red-
green color blindness?
Mars is home to the largest known volcano in the Solar System?
There is no sound in space?
MySQL is named after Monty Widenius' daughter?
The Sun has a mass of about 2 x 1030 kg?
The earth has a mass of about 5.98 x 1024 kg?
About half of your body's heat is lost through your head?
In 1974 a tree in Malaysia grow 35 feet and 3 inches in 13 months?
By law all gondolas in Venice, Italy must be painted black unless they
belong to a high official?
Paul McCartney's Birth Certificate was auctioned in March 1997. It was
sold for US $84146?
Richard and Carol Roble re-married each other 56 times?
Bats always turn left when exiting a cave?
The largest mass wedding in history was held in The Olympic Stadium
in Seoul, South Korea where 35000 people were married?
The national celebration in Mexico "Cinco de Mayo" means the fifth of
May?
"American Idol" is currently (2006-05-05) one of the most popular
searches on the Internet?
Giovanni Vigliotto was married to 104 women in 14 different countries?
In Lee County Alabama it's illegal to sell peanuts after sundown on a
Wednesday?
In 1917 Nova Scotians owned 901 Fords?
Stephen Colbert (The Daily Show) is the youngest of eleven children?
26 US Presidents were lawyers before becoming president?
Vexillology is the study of flags?
The Arctic Ocean is the smallest ocean in the world?
The word Connecticut derives from the Native American word
"Quinnetucket" wich means "long tidal river"?
Christopher Columbus brought cacao beans back to Spain in 1502?
Chocolate manufacturers use about 20% of the world's peanuts
production?
There are about 600 different shapes of pasta worldwide?
Woodpeckers have longer tongues than any other birds?
The only city in the world located on two continents is Istanbul?
About 10 % of the water from Nile reaches the Mediterranean sea?
Depression and anxiety disorders are the two most common mental
illnesses?
The "U" in the word U-boats is short for Unterseeboot?
The Krakatoa volcano eruption could be heard 4800 km away?
The technical term for left-handed is the Latin word Sinistral?
The word laser stands for "light amplification by stimulated emission of
radiation"?
The ferry service between Manhattan and Staten Island was started in
1713?
In 1955 the first McDonald's restaurant was opened in Des Plaines,
Illinois?
Henry John Deutschendorf, Jr was John Denver's real name?
The largest moon in the Solar System is Jupiter's moon Ganymede?
The word soap is beleived to derive from Mount Sapo near Turkey?
Crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live?
When glass breaks the cracks will reach speeds up to 3000 miles/4827
km per hour?
Bob Dylan received $50 for playing the harmonica on a Harry Belafonte
album in 1960?
The coldest place in our solar system is Neptune's moon Triton?
Tipping in Iceland is considered an insult?
If You are offered a gift in Mauritius You should use the right hand to
receive it?
In Portugal the bull doesn't die during the bullfight?
The world's biggest church made of wood is Kerimski Church located in
Finland?
Reindeer hair is hollow like a tube?
You can find about 560 carved doors in Zanzibar?
Little Diomede in Alaska is less than three miles from the Russian
border?
The skin is the largest organ in Your body?
The planned Freedom Tower in New York City is planned to be 1776
feet/541 m high?
About 7000 cherries are growing on an average cherry tree?
An office chair with wheels will travel about 7-8 miles each year?
Moscow has the worlds most used subway system?
A Goldfish kept in a dark room will eventually turn white?
Elvis middle name is Aron?
George Bush letters can be rearrange to "he bugs gore"?
Ted Bundy's first dog, a collie, was named Lassie?
Some ants sleep in a web?
Hawaii has its own time zone called the Hawaiian Standard Time?
All silver poodles are born black?
Santa Barbara golf club in Ilo-Ilo province was the first one in the
Philippines?
Cows don't have upper front teeth?
The last British Governor of Hong Kong was Chris Patten?
An espresso has less caffeine than a regular cup of coffee?
The first golf club established outside Great Britain were the Calcutta
Golf Club in 1829?
There are more than 20000 brands of beer in the world?
At funerals Chinese people sometimes burn paper-money so that the
dead person will be rich in the after-life?
Instead of singing the bird Antpitta avis cais Ridgley barks?
Kowloon in Hong Kong means Nine Dragons?
The first women's marathon was held at the Olympics games in Los
Angeles in 1984?
About 10% of the worlds population lives on an island?
Harold Washington Library Center in Chicago is the world's largest
public library?
Of all cities in the world Hong Kong has the highest percent of
millionaires per square mile?
In Hong Kong stamps was used already in 1862?
Bruce Lee was originally considered for the role of Kwai Chang Caine in
the TV show Kung Fu?
The word "nozzle" comes from Eskimo and means foreplay?
When you see a full moon you will see the same side every time?
John Adams was the first President to live in the White House?
Canola oil comes from the words "Canada" and "oil"?
The American system for naming large numbers is not equal to the
British system?
Venus is the hottest planet even though Mercury is closer to the sun?
The word banana comes from the Arabic word "banan" wich means
finger?
The decomposition time for a glass bottle is Approximately 1 million
years?
The first PET bottle was recycled in 1977?
The word Checkmate is a Persian phrase, Shah Mat, and means "the
King is dead"?
The standard set of chess pieces is called Staunton?
The first Great Seal of America was designed by Ulster-Scot?
Every minute about 50000000 of your cells die?
Every day is a holiday somewhere in the world?
All planets in our solar system orbit the sun in the same direction?
Groundhog Day comes from Germany?
The tradition of throwing coins into the Fontana di Trevi started via an
old movie "Three Coins in the Fountain"?
The coins thrown into the Fontana di Trevi are collected for charity?
Chinese used to flew manned kites?
About 34 million US residents claims to have Irish ancestors?
There was once a town named "6" in West Virginia?
The best working time for search dogs is cloudy days, mornings and
evenings?
About 13% of people are left-handed?
The national flower of Mexico is the humble dahlia?
The oldest operating hotel in New York is Algonquin hotel?
Tequila dates from the 16th century?
The diameter of one main cable on Golden Gate Bridge is 0.92 m?
Othello is one of the best-selling strategy games in the world?
In New York, the penalty for jumping off a building is death?
There are 36 different wild cat species in the world?
Michelangelo designed the uniforms worn by the Swiss guard at the
Vatican?
It's considered bad luck to take the Christmas decorations down before
January 6 in Ireland?
The Romans used olive oil to smooth their skin?
Cox's Bazar in Bangladesh are said to be the longest beach in the
world(120km)?
There are 80 entrances to the Colosseum in Rome?
Turkeys can have heart attacks?
Rice paper isn't made from rice, it is made from a small tree which
grows in Taiwan?
The saxophone was invented by Adolphe Sax?
Charles Darwin was often seasick during his boat-travel?
The year 2006 is the year 95 in Taiwan?
Turkey eggs normally hatch in 28 days?
Of the 600 plant species on the Galapagos Islands about 33% of these
can only be found on the Galapagos?
If You run during rain You will get about 10% less wet?
French Fries are not French they are originally from Belgium?
When an elephant dies of old age the cause of death is usually hunger?
Cars almost never blow up in accidents?
The highest hotel in the world is Everest View Hotel, located in Nepal at
an altitude of 3800m?
Many of the buildings along Broadway in New York have no thirteenth
floor?
The first brewed beer in Greece was Fix in 1864?
The biggest bell in Asia is located in Panay Church in the Philippines?
In Tibet the word Yeti (Snowman) means "magical creature"?
The Oriental Hotel in Bangkok are said to be the best hotel in the
world?
The bamboo hats in Vietnam are called non la?
The biggest city in Tibet is Lhasa?
Euphrat and tigris both have their origins in Turkey?
Nepal has an airline company called Buddha Air?
The second largest bird in the world is the Philippine eagle?
In Guatemala City the first Mayan societies dating took place, in 2000
BC?
All distances in Guatemala are measured from the Guatemala City
Central Park?
There are about 4,000 known minerals in the world?
About 700 litres of paint is used when Easyjet paint one of their
planes?
Armadillos can walk under water?
Honey bees was by Indians called "white man's flies" because
European colonists brought the bees to North America?
The kalaw bird in the Philippines makes a load noice every day at
noon. It is also known as the clock of the mountains?
About 488 of the worlds 500 known coral species can be found in the
Philippines?
Toronto's Yonge Street is the longest street in the world. It runs 1,900
kilometers?
A famous Filipino man called Jose Rizal could speak 22 different
languages?
The name Singapore is derived from a Sanskrit word 'Singapura' which
means Lion City?
The Philippines is home to the most expensive shells in the world
called glory of the sea (Connus gloriamaris)?
The oldest city in the Philippines is Cebu City?
According to Guinness, the longest recorded bout of hiccups lasted for
65 years?
An average wedding feast in Yemen will lasts 21 days?
Asian hair grows faster than African or European hair?
The only month in history not to have a full moon is February 1865?
The Vikings never wore horned helmets?
News stands for North, East, West, South?
The largest castle area in the world is Prague Castle?
The first Miss Hawaii was crowned in 1948?
Giant Springs is the largest fresh water spring in the US?
Enamel is the hardest substance in your body?
The faces of the presidents on Mount Rushmore are George
Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln and Theodore
Roosevelt?
There are 31557600 seconds in a year?
People can't sneeze while sleeping?
A cup of coffee contains about 100 - 150 milligrams of caffeine?
The adress of Benjamin Franklin's home was 141 Market Street,
Philadelphia?
The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's Born in the
USA?
Charlie Brown's father worked as a barber?
The Kiss member Gene Simmons speaks four languages?
There are 192 independent countries in the world?
In Europe coffee was once known as Arabian Wine?
There is a town in Canada called Dildo?
Na'alehu in Hawaii is the southern most city in the United States?
There are 22 stars in the Paramount movie studio logo?
The only Canadian Province that borders the Great Lakes is Ontario?
Cyprus has a map on it's flag?
Panama hats dont come from Panama but from Ecuador?
Mercury is closest to the sun but the planet Venus is the hottest
planet?
Over 90% of visitors to Greece comes from Europe?

Health and food

7-Up was invented in St. Louis?

You will not find burritoes in Mexico?
The most popular Easter candy in the US is chocolate eggs?
All hot chiles originates from the Western hemisphere?
From coffee seed to fruit takes about five years?
The Arabs are probably the first to brew coffee?
Instant coffee was invented by a chemist named Satori Kato in 1901?
Raw honey does not spoil?
The body of a 70 kg person contains about 2 mg of silver?
It takes about 8 - 10 seconds for food to travel down the esophagus?
The body of a 70 kg person contains about 7 mg of arsenic?
Peter Dowdeswell drunk 2 pints of milk in just 3.2 seconds?
Peter Dowdeswell ate 12 lb/5.44 kg of Ice cream in 45.5 seconds?
The body of a 70 kg person contains about 43 kg of oxygen?
The body of a 70 kg person contains about 0.2 mg of gold?
The biggest exporter of Brazil nuts is Bolivia?
Coffee grows in more than 50 countries?
Tomato is the world's most popular fruit?
Tooth decay is still one of the most common human disease in the
world?
The word "coffee" was once a term for wine?
The most popular ice cream flavors are Vanilla, Chocolate and
Strawberry?
Some sharks lay eggs?
Antarctica is the only continent where pumpkins cant grow?
A Pumpkin is made of about 90 % of water?
Vermont is the only US state capital without a McDonalds restaurant?
Zoom teeth whitening can get Your teeth up to 10 Shades Whiter?
Grapes and egg will explode in the microwave?
The first ice cream parlour opened in New York City in 1776?
Coca-Cola was first bottled in Mississippi?
Coca-Cola was originally marketed for medical use?
Apples will melt in very hot weather?
Fanta was originally made from byproducts of cheese and jam?
A good cow produces about 200000 glasses of milk in her lifetime?
In the 1830s 7 - Up was sold as medicine?
Soy sauce is probably one of the oldest condiment in the world?
During Thanksgiving and Super Bowl the food consumption is larger
than any other day in the US?
Some people in Malaysia wash their babies in beer to protect them
from diseases?
The Mayans and Aztecs used to drink cocoa drinks?
Once coffee beans has been roasted they lose about 40% of their
flavor?
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite?
Peanuts aren't really nuts but are actually a type of bean?
It takes about 5000 liters of water to produce 1 kilo of rice?
To make one liter of honey you will need the nectar from about 10
million flowers?
To make one pound of chocolate about 400 cocoa beans are required?
A bee produce only 1/12 of a teaspoon of honey during her entire
lifetime?
There are over 225 different kinds of bread in Germany?
Hot Dog comes from Germany?
Caesar Salad is not named after Julius Caesar but after chef Caesar
Cardini?
If you eat too many carrots your skin could turn orange?
No other species than humans drink milk from the mothers of other
species?
If you kiss someone for one minute you will burn about 6 - 7 calories?
A kiss could result in an exchanged of over 270 colonies of bacteria?
Vietnam is one of the largest producer of coffee in the world?
The milk of reindeer has more fat than cow milk?
People in Sweden eat about 1 kg/person of ham each Christmas?
Sweden is one of the top consumers per capita of ketchup in the
world?
The upperclass Romans used powdered mouse brains as toothpaste?
If you lick 10 stamps you will consume one calorie?
Popcorn was invented by the American Indians?
Turks drink more tea than any other people in the world?
An overweight person is about 5 times more likely to get a heart
disease?
The glue on Israeli postage stamps is kosher?
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie?
It takes about 6 hours for your stomach to digest a high fat meal?
25% of the weight of your old pillow is from dust & dust mites?
In 1886, Coca-cola was first served at a pharmacy in Atlanta, Georgia.
It was a pharmacist named John Pemberton who creator of Coca-cola?
Banging your head against a wall uses about 150 calories an hour?
Americans consume about 42 tons of Aspirin each day?
It takes about four and five pounds of grapes to make one pound of
raisins?
The first toilet stall in a public washroom is the least likely to be used.
It is also the cleanest?
There are coffee flavored PEZ?
Rice is the staple food for 50% of the world’s population?
Potatoes, pineapples, and pumpkins originate from Peru?
Coffee has about five times as much caffeine than Coke?
More people are allergic to cow's milk than any other food?
Iceland is the world largest Coca-Cola consumers per capita?
China produces more apples than the rest of the world put together?
The best selling candy bar in Russia is Snickers?
The city of Denver in Colorado lays claim to the invention of the
cheeseburger?
Pearls melt in vinegar?
A hard-boiled egg will spin. An uncooked or soft-boiled egg will not?
Chewing gum while peeling onions will prevent you from crying?
There is no butter in buttermilk?
There are over 40 000 varieties of rice grown worldwide?
80% of the Vanilla Beans which are used in ice cream is grown in
Madagascar?
Coca-Cola was originally green?
Rats destroy an estimated 1/3 of the world’s food supply each year?
The astronauts Neil Armstrong ate roasted turkey as his first meal on
the moon?
All foods have some water in them?
The largest McDonald's is in Beijing, China. It has twenty nine cash
registers and measuring 28,000 square feet?
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV?
There are over 7 000 varieties of apples?
Great Britain has the highest consumption of ice cream in Europe?
You use more calories eating celery than there are in the celery itself?
During your lifetime you will eat about the weight of 6 fullgrown
elephants?
Rice contains no fiber at all?
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-
handed people do?
The number 57 on Heinz ketchup bottle represents the ingredients in
the sauce?
Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave?
Mexican women spend 15.3% of their life in ill health?
In the U.S. ice cream is sold most on a Sunday?
Americans eat 18% more vegetables today than they did in 1970?
One in three adults aged 15-49 are infected with HIV/AIDS in Botswana,
Zimbabwe, and Swaziland?
In the 1800's people believed that gin could cure stomach problems?
Rice needs more water to grow than any other crop?
Patients stay in hospital for an average of almost 10 days in
Switzerland, which has the most hospital beds per 1000 people?
On average, women in New Zealand do not give birth until they are 30
years old?
22% of American women aged 20 gave birth while in their teens. In
Switzerland and Japan, only 2% did so?

Japan
In Japan the art of paper folding is called Origami?
Over 90% of the Japanese population buy a comic-magazine daily?
Manga account for about 80% Of Japan's Book Economy?
If You visit a Kissaten in Japan You visit a coffee shop?
Japanese and Chinese people die on the fourth of the month more
often than any other dates?
Some farmers grow square watermelons in Japan?
The most populated city in the world is Tokyo, with 30 million
residents?
2 Japanese car brands were named after rice, Toyota and Honda?
The two most common last names in Japan is Sato and Suzuki?
Some years up to about 100 people die of poison from the highly toxic
fish called fugu?
In Japanese language there is no single word for water. They say mizu
for cold water and oyu for hot water?
Tsunami means harbor wave and is a Japanese word?
At McDonalds the hamburgers in Japan are the same size as in
America, but the drinks are one size smaller?
The bathroom is not where the toilet is found in a Japanese home?
In Japan, the Number 4 is associated with death?
In Japan, streets don’t have names?
In Japan, whale is a delicacy?
Japan has more than 40 active volcanoes?
Japan is one of the best recycling countries in the world?
Until quite recently, most Japanese children used to celebrate their
birthdays on first of January, regardless of which day of the year they
were born on?
Japan is made up of over 6000 islands?
A deadly martial art in Japan exists based solely on a Fan. And that is
tessenjutsu?
In Japanese the word for "different" and "wrong" are the same?
The average cost of a Japanese wedding including a honey-moon is
about $40,000?
The biggest exporter of frog's legs in the world is Japan?
In Japan, the most popular topping for pizza is Squid?
Many Japanese golfers have a hole-in one insurance. In Japan it is
traditional to share your good luck by sending gifts to all your friends
when you get an "Ace"?
In Japan, 20% of all publications sold are comic books?
Japan you can buy marmelade produced by pressure treatment instead
of heating?
The number of keys on a Japanese typewriter is 2400?
The Japanese consider it inappropriate to show affection in public?
Japan is a world leader in climate research?
Frogs are the symbols of Good Luckin Japan?
Watermelons in Japan can cost up to $100?
In Tokyo a bicycle is usually faster than a car for most trips up to 50
minutes?
Tokyo was once known as Edo?
About 1000 new soft drinks are launched in Japan every year?
The red dot on Japan's flag stands for the sun?
Green tea is the national drink of Japan?
In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs?
The number of days that a criminal suspect can be held without being
charged is 23?
In Japan it is common to eat rice, soup or steamed vegetables in the
morning?
In Japan, there are special slippers for the toilet?
In Japan they drink tea with almost every meal??
In Japan, the teachers move from class to class and the students stay
in one room?
Language
The word trivia comes from the Latin trivium?
There are (about) 6703 different languages in the world?
The original name of Broadway was the Wiechquaekeck Trail?
A filipino man, Jose Rizal, could read and write at age 2?
South Korea has a special day to celebrate their Alphabet called
Hangul on October 9th?
The name FIAT comes from Fabbrica Italiana Automobili Torino?
Benjamin Franklin was named after his uncle Benjamin?
The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti?
The name PEZ is derived from the German word for peppermint using
the first, middle and the last letters?
Tintin has been translated into over 58 languages?
Irish whiskey is spelt with an 'e' an Scotch whisky is spelt without an
'e'?
Many of the state names comes from native American languages.
Exampel, the tribe Ute name themselves Utah?
Pacman was originally called Puckman?
Hurricane names are reused all the time. A new name is added only if
a hurricane is very deadly or costly?
Mount Everest is named after an Englishman called George Everest?
Ikea means Ingvar Kamprad, Elmtaryd, Agunnaryd. Elmtaryd is a farm
in the parish of Agunnaryd?
Mesopotamia means land between the rivers?
The word cool and hip comes from jazz?
Korea used to be spelled Corea. It was the Japanese who respelled
Corea as Korea?
The word for sleep is the same as for dream in Spanish and Italian?
There are about 6700 languages in the world?
Blogs is now a subject in Jeapordy?
The correct spelling for the word Google is really Googol?
Eskimos have more than twenty words to describe snow?
A village in Mexico is named Honey?
The most widely spoken language in the world is Mandarin Chinese
(837,000,000) followed by English (370,000,000)?
China has more English speaking people than the United States?
The word sugar is the only English word starting with SU where the S is
pronounced SH?
There is only one 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating
any letter, uncopyrightable?
The first word spoken on the moon was the word "okay"?
The number of people to speak English as a second language is about
375 million?
Pinocchio is a Italian word for "pine eye"?
Before Jets, Jet lag was called "Boat lag"?
No word in the English language rhymes with month?
Mafia is an old Arabic word that means sanctuary?
The 45 letter word
PNEUMONOULTRAMICROSCOPICSILICOVOLCANOCONIOSIS is the
longest word in English? The word refers to a lung disease caused by
breathing in certain particles
A coward was originally a boy who took care of cows?
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses
every letter of the alphabet?
Before the year 1000, the word "she" did not exist in the English
language?
To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a
statement made by swearing on their testicles?
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets?
A group of kangaroos is called a mob?
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that make them
looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt?
The South Korean capital Seoul, just means "the capital" in the Korean
language?
I am, is the shortest complete sentence in the English language?
Zorro means fox in Spanish?
The phrase "rule of thumb" comes from and old English law which
stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your
thumb?
Typewriter is the longest word that can be created by using only the
top row of the keyboard?
The most difficult language to learn is Basque, spoken in northwestern
Spain and southwestern France?
The three words that people misspelled most are achievement,
acquire, and accumulate?
The word karate means empty hand?
What is called a "French kiss" in the English speaking world is known
as an "English kiss" in France?
The first word in the Declaration of Independence is "When"?
The most common name for a goldfish is "Jaws"?
The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start
with?
The most common name in the world is Mohammed?
There are no words in the English language that rhyme with silver and
orange?
There are only 12 letters in the Hawaiian alphabet?
The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah
Mat". It means that "the King is dead"?
The most commonly used word in English conversation is "I"?
The word "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters
"mt"?
The term "bonfire" is not a good name to use for a large fire? The
origin of the word "bonfire" was from "bonefire," a fire in which bones
were burnt?
Doberman dogs are named after the German tax collector Ludwig
Doberman who bred them as his personnel guard dogs?
McDonalds calls frequent buyers of their food "heavy users"?
The actual timeunoit for a jiffy is 1/100th of a second. Thus the saying,
I will be there in a jiffy?
Cleveland spelled backwards is "DNA level C"?
The dot on top of the letter "i" is called a tittle. Tittle is Latin and
means that something is very small?
In Chinese script, there are more than 40 000 characters?
The longest word in the Old Testament is "Malhershalahashbaz"?
Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village"?
Maine is the only state in the United States whose name is just one
syllable?
In 1939 Erneset Vincent Wright published a novel called Gadsby. It's a
story of Over 50 000 Words without Using the Letter "E"?
The stars you see when you rub your eyes are called phosphenes?
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into
the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed refill they
used the whistle. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this
practice?
The word "queue" is the only word in the English language that is still
pronounced the same way when the last four letters are removed?
The ampersand & was once a letter of the English alphabet?
The "you are here" arrow that you can see in maps is called an "ideo
locator"?
"Aegilops" is the longest word in the English language with all the
letters in alphabetical order?
Thailand means "land of the free"?
The most common name in the world is Mohammed?
In the year of 1880's the word "pants" was considered a dirty word in
England?
 Nature & Animals

There are about 50 species of fish that can fly or glide?

There are over 25000 different species of fish in the world?
The Atacama Desert in northern Chile is the driest place on earth?
The Philippine eagle is the second largest eagle in the world?
Some hamsters only blink one eye at a time?
Almonds are a member of the peach family?
Bulls can run faster uphill than they can downhill?
Flying fish do not actually fly, instead they glide over the water?
The snow leopard can leapt 30 feet from standstill?
The lowest temperature ever recorded in Canada was -63 degrees
Celsius in 1947, Snag River Yukon?
The Challenger Deep in the Marianas Trench is the deepest place in the
world. The depth is 35838 feet deep or 10923 m deep?
The Great Salt Lake is after the Dead Sea the second saltiest water-
body in the world?
The Amazon River is about 4300 miles long?
The fastest land animal in the world is the cheetah with a speed up to
60 mph?
A mother hen turns over her egg about 50 times each day?
A year on Mars is almost twice as long as on Earth?
The average housefly lives for about one month?
The blue rings of the blue-ringed octopus are visible only when it's
about to attack?
Rattlesnakes do not always rattle before they strike?
32 species of sharks have ever attacked people?
Queen termites are the longest living insects. They can live for 50
years?
Humans are the only animals that chew gum?
The only continent without reptiles or snakes is Antarctica?
The fastest swimmer of all fish is the swordtail?
The largest pearl ever found in an oyster was 620 carats?
The Amazon River is home to two types of river dolphins?
An egg contain all vitamin except for the vitamin c?
Every year the Amazon River flood an area the size of England?
An egg is a single cell?
Mt. Cotopaxi in Ecuador is home to the only glacier located on the
equator?
Humans nose can identify over 10000 different odors?
Tapeworms can grow to about 80 feet long?
Cockroaches doesnt eat cucumbers?
The Whale shark is the largest fish on earth?
Because there is no atmosphere on the moon the sky would look black
to a person watching it?
Goliath frog is the largest frog in the world?
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit?
Duck eggs are the biggest eggs in the world?
Albatrosses can sleep while they are flighing?
An owl can't move its eyes from side to side?
A hen must eat about 4 pounds to produce 12 eggs?
Lightning strikes about 6000 times per minute on our planet?
There are about 15000 varieties of rice?
Rabbits like to eat licorice?
About 88% of milk is water?
Lake Superior is the largest freshwater lake in the world?
At the north pole the sun is under the horizon for 186 days each year?
The distance between the earth and moon is increasing over 30 cm
each year?
Waves can go around corners?
The first known dinosaur skeleton was found in New Jersey in 1858?
The tropical stick insect is the longest insect in the world?
The biggest living thing in the world is a fungus?
The Great Barrier Reef is home to about 400 species of different
corals?
It takes 15 facial muscles to laugh?
An apple is covered with a thin layer of wax?
A newborn kangaroo is about the size of a coffee bean?
Pumpkins were once recommended for removing freckles?
The coyote can run up to a speed of 40 mph?
The panda's diet consists of about 95% bamboo?
There are almost 200 species of monkeys?
Some butterflies have ears on their wings?
All monkeys have tails?
Polar bear fur is not white, it only appears white to us?
A grizzly bear can run up to about forty miles per hour?
A grizzly bear give birth while in their winter sleep?
Acid rain start as regular rain. It becomes acid when it falls through
clouds of pollution?
Dolphins can swim at a speed up to 37 miles per hour?
Cobras are able to kill immediately after they are born?
Flamingos are able to bend their knees backward?
Elephant seals can dive to a depth of about 5000ft?
A camel can drink over 25 gallons of water at a time?
A kangaroo can't walk backwards?
Dolphins eat about one-third of their body weight each day?
Dolphins sleep with one eye open?
Aspen Trees are the largest living organism in the world?
A lizard's tail will grow back if cut off?
The gecko's eyes are open all the time?
Humans might be the only animal that throw snowballs?
Humans share about 50% of their DNA with bananas?
Like a fingerprint every person has a unique tongueprint?
Finland is home to one the cleanest water in the world?
Finland has about 190000 lakes?
Finland has the largest number of islands in the world?
It has been said that it's impossible for humans to lick their own elbow.
This is not true, some people can do it and I have seen it myself?
Humans take about 23000 breaths every day?
There are 370 known species of sharks?
Gold will never erode?
Scorpions glow under UV-light?
Lions sleeps about 19 - 20 hours a Day?
When water freezes it will expand by 9%?
A gray fox can climb trees?
After a large earthquake the earth rings like a bell?
The famous tulips of Holland originated in Turkey?
The Great White shark can have up to 6 rows of teeth?
At an average speed of 15 feet a day the sloth is the slowest animal on
earth?
At a speed of about 150 miles per hour the Peregrine Falcon is the
fastest animal on earth?
In a lifetime a shark may have about 20000 teeth?
An avalanche can make snow travel up to the speed of 100 miles per
hour?
Most sharks cant stop swimming?
Reindeers can jump about 8 - 10 feet into the air?
The skin from a shark could be used as sandpaper?
Snow is a good insulator and can keep things warm?
There are no tigers in the world with the same stripes?
a Wild turkey can run about 25 miles an hour?
Mosquitos have 47 teeth?
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight?
Frogs drink and breathe through their skin?
A group of tigers is called a streak?
Seals sleep only about one and a half minutes each time?
Humans can grow up to 3 times as much during the month mars to juli
than during winter?
Human kidneys will clean about 1 million gallons of blood in an
average lifetime?
Nobody knows what happens to the seahorse during winter. They are
only seen during summertime?
Tsunami waves can travel up to 400 miles per hour, faster than a
commercial jet?
Tsunamis are caused by earthquakes under the ocean?
Humans are radioactive?
Sometimes beavers die because of trees that falls?
If you can see a rainbow you must have your back to the sun?
The total weight of all the worlds ants is more than the total weight of
all the people?
We loose about 75 hair from our head each day?
A mole will die if it doesn't get food within 12 hours?
Men and Women fart about 14 times each day?
Girls and boys cries just as much up to the year 12?
There are 205 bones in the human body?
When you sneeze your heart stops for a short while?
It is anatomically impossible for humans to lick their own elbow?
10 out of a 100 parrots learn to talk?
There are some giant land turtles that are able to bellow?
Humans has about five million hairs on the whole body?
More than a 25% of all rainforest is in Brazil?
Ants stretch when they wake up in the morning?
A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won't?
The human body contains 4.5 litres of blood?
We shrink about one centimeter every day?
About 50% of the world's tropical forests have gone lost?
On average, about 35-40 volcanoes erupt each year?
A tree in metropolitan area will survive about eight years?
Mosquito repellents don't repel at all instead it will hide you?
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death?
The largest bat has almost a 6 foot wing span?
The only animal, apart from a human, that can get a sunburn is a pig?
An olive tree can live up to 1500 years?
Bats always turn left when exiting a cave?
A crocodile can't stick its tongue out?
Dolphins sleep with one eye open?
Ants don't sleep at all?
A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years?
The ant, when intoxicated, will always fall over to its right side?
Butterflies taste with their feet?
If Antarctica's ice would melt the oceans would rise about 60 meters?
All polar bears are left-handed?
You're born with 300 bones, but when you get to be an adult, you only
have 206?
The venom in a Daddy Long-Legs spider is more poisonous than the
venom of a Black Widow but they cannot bite humans because their
fangs are to short?
A barnacle has the largest penis of all animal in relation to its size?
Your foot and your forearm, (from your wrist to the inside of your
elbow), are the same length?
Oak trees are struck by lightning more than any other tree?
Electric eels produce enough energy in one shock to light up every
room in an average three bedroom house?
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in
Colorado?
When opossums are playing possum, they are not "playing." They
actually pass out from sheer terror?
Frogs cannot live in the sea or any salt water?
Each day the sun causes about one trillion tons of water to evaporate?
An elaphant's teeth can weigh as much as nine pounds?
Goats and octopus' eyes have rectangular pupils?
Eskimos use refrigerators to keep their food from freezing?
There are between 5,000 and 7,000 tigers kept as pets in the United
States?
Flies taste with their feet?
Sharks never get sick, they are immune to all known diseases?
Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails?
There are 1,462 recorded species of edible insects?
The poison-arrow frog has enough poison to kill about 2 200 people?
Frogs absorb water through their skin and don't need to drink water?
There are microbes whose optimal growth temperature is above 100
C?
A goldfish memory is three seconds?
The white part of your fingernail is called the lunula?
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue?
Every year the sun loses 360 million tons?
People who chase after rare birds are called twitchers?
Lightning strikes men about seven times more often than it strike
women?
The heart of a blue whale is the size of a small car?
The tongue of a blue whale is as long as an elephant?
Frogs need both water and land to live?
A full moon always rises at sunset?
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump?
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain?
Our eyes are always the same size from birth to death?
Earth is not round, it is slightly pear-shaped?
About 10% of the earth's surface is permanently covered with ice?
A jellyfish is 95 percent water?
Only 10% of the nerves in your body are pain nerves?
For 3000 years, until 1883, hemp was the world's largest agricultural
crop, from which the majority of fabric, soap, medicines, paper, and
oils were produced?
Tigers have striped skin as well as striped fur?
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open?
The thumbnail grows the slowest while the middle nail grows the
fastest?
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs?
A flamingo can eat only when its head is upside down?
About 38% of North America is wilderness?
More than 1 million Earths could fit inside the sun. The Sun is by far the
largest object in our solar system?
Time slows down near a black hole and ceases to exist inside a black
hole?
Your body is creating and killing 15 million red blood cells per second?
In 1958 the US sent 2 mice into space - Benjy and Laska?
Hair is made from the same substance as fingernails?
A lightning bolt reaches up to 50,000 degrees Fahrenheit?
To survive, every bird must eat at least half its own weight in food
each day?
A shark can detect one part of blood in 100 million parts of water?
From space, the brightest man-made place in the world is Las Vegas in
Nevada?
If the sun suddenly stopped shining it would take eight minutes for
people on earth to be aware of it?
Sound travels through water much faster, about 4 times, than through
air. Through steel, it can travel roughly 15 times faster than air?
Comets are a mixture of ice and dust that failed to come together as a
planet. Some people called them "dirty snowballs"?
Male horses have more teeth than female horses? Males have 40 while
females have 36?
Turnip seeds can increase their weight 15 times a minute and in rich
soil they may increase their weight 15 000 times a day?
The world's largest carnivorous animal is the Alaskan brown bear?
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world?
The distance traveled by light in one year is approximately six million
miles?
Halley's comet nears the earth every 76 years? Halley's comet is next
scheduled to return in 2062?
Your ears never stop growing no matter how old you are?
The first picture on the moon was taken with a Swedish camera?
Gravity is so much greater on the sun that a man weighing 150 pounds
on the earth would weigh about 2 tons on the sun?
The first spacecraft to reach the moon was in 1959?
The diamond is the hardest natural substance found on earth?
The Greyhounds can jump a distance of 27 feet?
Yuma in Arizona has most sunny days in USA. On average, each year
there are 332 sunny days?
Platinum is so rare that two million pounds of ore may contain only one
pound of metal?
111111111 x 111111111 = 12345678987654321?
Quartz is one of the most common minerals on Earth?
You can smell a skunk at 000 000 000 000 071 ounce of its spray?
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child is
two to six years of age?
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a
million descendants?
Male and female rats may have sex twenty times a day?
A snake just like all reptiles are incapable of learning?
A snail can sleep for three years?
The little bumps on your tongue hold more than 9,000 taste buds?
Snakes are completely deaf?
The Albatross has a wing span of up to 14 feet and needs only to land
once every couple of years to breed?
Snakes have no eyelids?
The only month in recorded history that didn't have a full moon was in
February 1865?
Lightning travels from the ground upwards not from the sky
downwards?
Pearls melt in vinegar?
Rougly 75% of a living tree is composed of water?
Most snakes have over 200 teeth?
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's
nuclear weapons combined?
Blood is about 78% water?
Turtles can breathe through their butts?
If you fart constantly for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb?
Mexico City sinks about 10 inches each year?
A cow farts about 600 litres of metangas every day. That is enough to
fyll up 40 party ballons?
Guinea has the wettest capital on Earth with 3.7 metres of rain a year?
The heart beats about 100 000 times each day?
Your system of blood vessels is over 60 000 miles long. That's long
enough to go around the world more than twice?
 Others

Zambia, Mexico, Dominica, Fiji, Kiribati and Egypt have birds on their
flags?
About 90% of the worlds population kisses?
Kama sutra includes 30 different kinds of kisses?
The name Dublin is a derivation of Dubh Linn meaning Black Pool?
The first Peanuts comic strip appeared in seven US daily newspapers in
1950?
The first day of the first year of the first millennium was a Saturday?
The first Superman comic was created in 1933?
Phasmophobia means fear of ghosts?
At latitude 60 degrees south You can sail around the world?
Casanova worked as a librarian when he was older?
General Armstrong Custer finished last in his class at West Point 1861?
When Neil Armstrong stepped on the moon he sat down his left foot
first?
Einstein designed a Refrigerator?
Hannibal had only one eye after getting a disease while attacking
Rome?
Einstein have said that mankind only uses 10% of their brains?
Alfred Nobel, the inventor of dynamite, was not only skilled in
chemistry, but also spoke fluent French, Russian, English and German?
Vincent van Gogh cut off his left ear. His 'Self-Portrait with Bandaged
Ear' shows the right one bandaged because he painted the mirror
image?
Einstein wouldn't drink alcohol?
Buzz Aldrin's, who was the second man on the moon, had a mother
with the name Marion Moon?
Einstein was a dyslexic?
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history? Diamonds = Julius Caesar, Spades = King David, Hearts =
Charlemagne, Clubs = Alexander the Great ?
Mount Pleasant is the most common community name in Canada?
Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy?
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance?
Vatican City is the smallest country in the world?
Monaco is the second smallest country in the world?
Malaria is one of the most deadly diseases in the world?
In Juan Fernández archipelago in Chile there is an Island named
Robinson Crusoe?
Bolivia has two capitals, Sucre and La Paz?
Russia celebrate Christmas twice a year, December 25 and January
7th?
Einstein slept about 10 hours per night?
Germany borders with 9 different countries?
La Giaconda is the real name for Mona Lisa?
Saudi Arabia is the only country named after its ruling family?
The more concentrated you get the less you blink?
The highest waterfall in the world is Angel Falls in Venezuela?
Venezuela has won the most Miss Universe titles?
Mount Ararat is a volcano?
About 4 gallons of water is used while brushing your teeth?
No two modern democracies have gone to war with each other?
The longest underground river in the world is St. Paul's underground
river in Palawan, philippines?
Albert Einstein did not speak until he was four years old?
Alfred Nobel invented dynamite?
Erik Weihenmayer was the first blind person to reach the summit of Mt.
Everest?
Jackie Robinson went to the college of UCLA?
The oldest national park of Estonia is Lahemaa National Park?
The Bermuda Triangle is an imaginary triangle between Bermuda,
Florida and Puerto Rico?
Gottlieb's Haunted House was the first pinball game to have a triple
level playfield?
The oldest amusement park in the world is located in Copenhagen?
Belize is one of the least populated countries in the world?
Denmark has more than 600 castles and manor houses?
Peru has more pyramids than Egypt?
Madrid has the highest altitude of all European capital?
Raffles Hotel in Singapore used to be a bungalow?
Originally Superman couldn't fly?
Islanders have their own myths about Santa Clauses parents?
Finland once banned the Donald Duck. Some people belive that it was
because Donald Duck didn't wear pants?
The most dangerous airports to land an aircraft was the Hong Kong
airport before 1997?
Edgar Allan Poe was kicked out of West Point?
In 1963 Martin Luther King hold his famous speech in Washington D.C?
Voltaire drank about 50 cups of coffee each day?
Christmas tree originated in Germany?
The home country of sauna and moomins is Finland?
Sweden is one of the top Harley-Davidson driving people in the world?
Paris in France has a vineyard?
A kiss contains about 9 milligram of water and about 0,7 grams of fat
and protein?
There is a place in Norway called Hell. On their postcards for turist one
can read "Welcome to Hell". The norwegians also calls the road that
leads to Hell for "highway to hell"?
More people die from falling coconuts then from shark attacks?
A sneeze travels out your mouth at over 100 m.p.h?
There are more people alive today than the number of all the people
that have died, ever?
The original game of Monopoly was circular?
A picture of an Indian chief was on the first bottles of Coppertone with
the slogan "Don't be a Paleface"?
Nutmeg is very poisonous if injected intravenously?
A piano covers the full spectrum of all orchestra instruments, from
below the lowest note of the double bassoon to above the top note of
the piccolo?
Tap dancing originates from Irish clog dancing and what is called the
Irish reel and jig?
There are no letters assigned to the numbers 1 and 0 on a phone
keypad. These numbers remain unassigned because they are so-called
"flag" numbers, kept for special purposes such as emergency or
operator services?
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August
2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later?
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the
air, it means that the person died in battle. If the horse has one leg in
the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
causes?
Maps have been around for about 4500 years?
The first novel ever written on a typewriter is Tom Sawyer?
Afghanistan has been known by different names including Ariana,
Bactria and Khorasan?
Pinocchio was made of pine tree?
A book that has 1 Million pages in it would be 70 m thick?
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first?
Russia has more movie theaters than any other country?
In Bahrain, a male gynecologist can only examine a woman's private
parts through a mirror?
There is no lead in a lead pencil? It is just a stick of graphite mixed with
clay and water?
The first ever "World Summit on Toilets" was held in Singapore in
November 2001?
There is a city called Rome on every continent?
Grande Ronde, Oregon -67 yer old Arthur Mooney died of a heart
attack in the Spirit Mountain Casino. His body lay right there on the
floor for an hour while other customers continued to play the slot
machines?
Men can read smaller print than women can. Women can hear better?
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair?
Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during World War II?
Most lipstick contains fish scales?