Contents Title Page Part One: Nell Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Part Two: Colton Chapter

6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Nell Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11

Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Part Three: Colton Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Playlist lso !y "alling #nto $o% !y &asin'a (il'er www)&asin'a(il'er)*o+ Copyright , 2013 -y &asin'a (il'er ll rights reser.e') Co.er art -y /arah 0ansen o1 O2ay Creations) Co.er art , 2013 -y /arah 0ansen) Copye'iting -y #n'ie %thor

/er.i*es) 34*ept the original +aterial written -y the a%thor5 all songs5 song titles an' lyri*s *ontaine' in this -oo2 are the property o1 the respe*ti.e songwriters an' *opyright hol'ers) This book is for anyone who has ever lost a loved one, for anyone who has woken up crying and gone to bed the same way, for anyone who has had to learn that its okay to be not okay. Surviving isnt strength, its continuing to breathe one day at a

time; strength is learning to live despite the pain. Part One The Past Nell Chapter 1: !""6Or !"7 September # wasn8t always in lo.e with Colton Calloway9 # was in lo.e with his yo%nger -rother5 :yle5 1irst) :yle was +y 1irst one tr%e lo.e5 +y 1irst in e.ery way) # grew %p ne4t to the Calloways) :yle an' # were the sa+e age5 o%r +o+s ha.ing gi.en -irth to %s

in the sa+e hospital5 two roo+s apart5 two 'ays apart) :yle was the ol'er one5 +%*h to +y irritation) Only -y two 'ays5 -%t that was eno%gh 1or :yle to get -ig hea' a-o%t it an' tease +e +er*ilessly) (e playe' in the sa+e Pa*2;N;Play in his +o+<s ho%se as -a-ies) (e share' -lo*2s an' 'olls =:yle playe' with 'olls as +%*h as # 'i' %ntil we were three or so5 whi*h # in t%rn tease' hi+ +er*ilessly a-o%t>) (e learne' to ri'e -i2es

together9 +y 'a' ta%ght %s -oth5 sin*e ?r) Calloway was a Congress+an an' gone a lot) (e st%'ie' together5 'i' ho+ewor2 together) (e were -est 1rien's -e1ore anything else) #t was always 2in' o1 ass%+e' we<' en' %p together5 # thin2) Not @%ite arrange'5 ne*essarily5 A%st6ass%+e') 0is 'a'5 the %p; an';*o+ing Congress+an9 ?y 'a'5 the C3O5 the B-er; s%**ess1%l -%siness+an) Their -ea%ti1%lly per1e*t *hil'ren5 together7 (ell5 '%h) # +ean5 # 2now that so%n's arrogant5 or whate.er5 -%t it<s

A%st the tr%th) #<+ not per1e*t5 o-.io%sly) # ha.e so+e 1laws) #<+ 2in' o1 wi'e in the hips 1or +y height5 an' +y -%st is a little too -ig 1or +y 1ra+e5 -%t whate.er) # 2now what # loo2 li2e5 -%t # swear #<+ not .ain a-o%t it) (e weren<t aware o1 those ass%+ptions %ntil o%r sopho+ore year) (e<' -een 1rien's %ntil that point5 -est 1rien's5 -%t just 1rien's) # was ne.er a -oy;*raCy type o1 girl) ?y *onser.ati.e 1ather wo%l'n<t ha.e allowe' it5 1or one thing5 an' # wasn<t per+itte' to

'ate %ntil # was si4teen anyway) /o then5 the wee2 a1ter +y sweet si4teen5 &ason Dorsey as2e' +e o%t) &ason is the r%nner;%p to :yle<s -i' 1or *o+plete per1e*tion) 0e<s -lon' where :yle is ra.en; haire'5 a +ore -%l2y +%s*le; -%il'er type to :yle<s lean5 *%t5 l%pine gra*e5 an' &ason isn<t @%ite as s+art or *har+ing as :yle5 -%t then # +ight -e -iase') # 'i'n<t e.en hesitate when &ason as2e' i1 he *o%l' ta2e +e to

'inner a1ter s*hool) # +ean5 duh5 right7 &%st a-o%t e.ery girl at +y high s*hool 'rea+e' o1 &ason or :yle as2ing the+ o%t5 an' # was !""<s with :yle5 an' ha' a 'ate with &ason) 0e 'i' it at +y lo*2er5 whi*h was always a -%sy spot5 so it was a p%-li* thing) 3.eryone saw5 an' they were all so Aealo%s5 let +e tell yo%) # +et :yle at his so%pe';%p Ca+aro a1ter si4th perio' li2e always5 an' we too2 o115 tires s@%ealing) :yle ten'e' to 'ri.e li2e he was in a high;spee' *hase5 -%t he was a .ery s2ille'

'ri.er5 so # ne.er 1rea2e') 0is 'a' ha' +a'e s%re :yle was gi.en *o%rses in 'e1ensi.e 'ri.ing -y an a*t%al "!# agent5 so :yle *o%l' o%t; 'ri.e +ost o1 the *ops at the lo*al PD) EF%ess what7G # as2e'5 e4*ite'5 as :yle 'ri1te' a wi'e le1t t%rn onto the 'irt roa' lea'ing to o%r neigh-orhoo') :yle shot +e a li1te' eye-row loo25 so # gra--e' his -i*ep an' s@%eeCe'5 s@%ealing5 E&ason Dorsey as2e' +e o%tH 0e<s ta2ing +e to 'inner

tonightHG :yle nearly 'ro.e o11 the roa') 0e Aa++e' on the -ra2es5 spinning the *ar into a si'eways s2i' on the 'irt roa' lea'ing to o%r ho%ses) :yle twiste' in the leather -%*2et seat5 one ar+ -ra*e' on the hea'rest o1 +y seat5 -rown eyes -laCing) E(hat 'i' yo% A%st say7G 0e so%n'e' angry5 whi*h *on1%se' +e) EICa%se # *o%l' ha.e sworn yo% A%st sai' &ason as2e' yo% o%t)G # 1elt +y -reath *at*h at the

intensity in his eyes5 his .oi*e) E#6he 'i'7G #t *a+e o%t li2e a @%estion5 ti+i' an' *on1%se') E0e<sJhe<s pi*2ing +e %p at se.en) (e<re going to !rann<s) (hy are yo% a*ting this way7G E(hy a+ #J7G :yle snappe' his teeth together5 *%tting hi+sel1 o115 then s*r%--e' his 1a*e with his han's) ENell5 yo% *an<t go o%t with &ason)G E(hy not7G Now that # was o.er the sho*2 o1 :yle<s s%''en anger5 # was h%rt5 +ore *on1%se' than e.er5 an' getting angry) E0e<s

ni*e5 an' *%te) 0e<s yo%r -est 1rien'5 so what<s wrong with hi+7 #<+ e cited5 :yle) Or # was) No one<s e.er as2e' +e o%t -e1ore5 an' #<+ 1inally allowe' to 'ate now that #<+ si4teen5 yo%<re all +a') # 'on<t get it) $o%<re s%ppose' to -e happy 1or +e)G :yle<s 1a*e twiste'5 an' # wat*he' as hal1 a 'oCen e+otions ripple' o.er his han'so+e 1eat%res) 0e opene' his +o%th5 then *lose' it again) "inally5 he let o%t a groane' *%rse an' 1l%ng his

'oor open5 threw hi+sel1 o%t o1 the *ar5 sla++e' the 'oor -ehin' hi+ an' stal2e' away thro%gh ?r) 3nnis<s *orn1iel') # hesitate'5 +ore *on1%se' than e.er) #t loo2e'5 A%st -e1ore he stor+e' away5 li2e :yle was Aealo%s) Co%l' he -e Aealo%s7 Then why 'i'n<t he as2 +e o%t7 # rippe' +y hair o%t its ponytail an' retie' it5 the wheels in +y hea' spinning so 1ast # *o%l' -arely -reathe) :yle7 #<' 'one e.erything with

:yle) 3.erything) (e ate l%n*h together e.ery 'ay) (e went on hi2es an' pi*ni*s5 long -i2e ri'es en'ing in i*e *rea+ at Dairy K%een) (e s2ippe' his 'a'<s +onthly politi*al soirees to 'rin2 stolen wine on the 'o*2 -ehin' +y ho%se) (e e.en got tipsy on*e an' went s2inny 'ipping) # ha' a +e+ory o1 wat*hing :yle t%rn away as he sho.e' his -o4ers o11 an' 1eeling a tingle in +y -elly at the sight o1 his na2e' -a*2si'e) #<' attri-%te' the

1eeling to -eing -%CCe'5 at the ti+e) O1 *o%rse5 #<' strippe' too5 an' :yle<s gaCe ha' ta2en in +y -o'y in a way that ha' +a'e the tingle e.en worse) t the ti+e5 #<' yelle' at hi+ to stop ogling +e5 an' he<' t%rne' away) 0e<' -een in water %p to his waist5 -%t now # *o%l'n<t help won'ering i1 he<' -een hi'ing a rea*tion to seeing +e na2e') 0e<' -een .ery *are1%l to 2eep his 'istan*e while we swa+5 when nor+ally we were .ery

physi*al5 h%gging5 teasing ea*h other5 getting in ti*2le wars5 whi*h :yle always won) # was starting to loo2 at e.erything 'i11erently5 all o1 a s%''en) :yle7 0e was +y -est 1rien') # ha' girl1rien's5 o-.io%sly) &ill an' !e**a an' # got +ani;pe'is together e.ery wee2 an' then went 1or +il2sha2es at !ig !oy) !%t when # was %pset or pisse' o115 when # got in a 1ight with ?o+ an' Da' or got a -a' gra'e or anything5 # went to :yle) (e<'

sit on +y 'o*2 or his an' he<' tal2 +e o%t +y 1%n2) 0%g +e an' hol' +e %ntil # 1elt -etter) #<' 1allen asleep on the 'o*2 with hi+ a tho%san' ti+es5 1allen asleep on his *o%*h wat*hing a +o.ie) On his *o%*h5 on his lap) gainst his *hest5 his ar+ aro%n' +e) That<s not !"" 2in' o1 a11e*tion5 is it7 (e<' ne.er 2isse'5 ne.er hel' han's li2e -oy1rien'Lgirl1rien'5 tho%gh) n' i1 anyone as2e'5 whi*h happene' a lot5 we were always

li2e no, were not going out, were best friends. !%t were we +ore7 Fo'5 what a +ess) # got o%t o1 the *ar an' 1ollowe' a1ter :yle) 0e was long o%t o1 sight5 -%t # 2new where he was going) There was a spot on ri'ge on the other si'e o1 ?r) 3nnis<s *orn1iel' where we h%ng o%t a lot) $o% *o%l' see o%r town 1ro+ that ri'ge5 as well the sil.er string o1 the *ree2 an' the 'ar2 swath o1 the 1orest)

:yle was hal1way %p the h%ge lightning;-laste' pine that *rowne' the ri'ge) There was a long5 thi*2 -ran*h a-o%t twenty 1eet %p5 easy to *li+- to5 an' we 1re@%ently sat on that -ran*h together5 his -a*2 to the tr%n25 +y -a*2 to his *hest) # stoo' on the -ran*h -eneath :yle5 waiting) 0e hoo2e' his 1oot aro%n' the -ran*h5 rea*he' 'own li1te' +e li2e a 'oll an' set +e in 1ront o1 hi+) This position too2 on a new signi1i*an*e5 s%''enly) # *o%l' 1eel his heart

ha++ering in his *hest) 0e was -reathing har' an' s+elle' o1 sweat) 0e +%st ha.e r%n %p the ri'ge) # leane' +y hea' -a*2 on his sho%l'er an' loo2e' at hi+5 his pro1ile *hisele' an' gorgeo%s5 -athe' gol'en in the late a1ternoon s%n) 0is -rows were 2nitte' together5 his Aaw *len*he' har') 0e was pisse'5 still) E:yle6tal2 to +e) # 'on<tJG EDon<t what7 Mn'erstan'7 $es yo% 'o)G 0e glan*e' at +e5 then sli' his eyes *lose' an' t%rne' away) s i1 it h%rt to loo2 at +e)

E(e<re -est 1rien's5 :yle) #1 there<s so+ething else5 1or yo%5 tell +e)G E"or +e7G :yle<s hea' th%+pe' -a*2 against the tree) E# 'on<t 2now5 Nell) #Jyeah5 # +ean we<re -est 1rien's5 -y 'e1a%lt # g%ess) # +ean5 we grew %p together5 right7 (e spen' all this ti+e together5 an' we tell people that<s all we are5 -%t6G E!%t what7G # 1elt +y heart po%n'ing in +y *hest) This *o%l' *hange e.erything) 0e too2 a lo*2 o1 +y straw-erry

-lon' hair in his 1ingers an' twiste' it) E(hat i1 there was +ore7 !etween %s7G E?ore7 Ni2e5 together7G E(hy not7G # 1elt a r%sh o1 anger) E(hy not7 re yo% 1%*2ing serio%s5 :yle7 That<s the answer yo% gi.e +e7G # sli' 1orwar' on the -ran*h5 sw%ng +y leg o.er an' lowere' +ysel1 to the ne4t -ran*h 'own) #n se*on's5 # was o%t o1 the tree an' r%nning thro%gh the *orn1iel') # *o%l' hear :yle -ehin' +e5

*alling 1or +e to wait5 -%t # 'i'n<t) 0o+e was only a +ile away at that point5 so # ran) # threw open +y 1ront 'oor so har' it shoo2 the ho%se5 startling +y +other so -a' she 'roppe' a glass) # hear' the s+ash o1 the glass hitting the 1loor5 +y +other<s *%rse5 an' then # was sla++ing +y -e'roo+ 'oor an' 1alling onto +y -e'5 so--ing) #<' hel' it together that long5 -%t in the san*t%ary o1 +y roo+5 # *o%l' let go)

ENell7 (hat<s wrong5 sweetie7G ?y +o+<s .oi*e on the other si'e o1 the 'oor5 *on*erne' an' sweet) E# 'on<t6# 'on<t want to tal2 a-o%t it)G ENell5 open %p an' tal2 to +e)G ENoHG # hear' :yle<s 'eep +ale .oi*e -ehin' +y +other<s) ENell7 :yle<s here)G E# 'on<t want to see hi+) ?a2e hi+ go away)G # hear' +y +y +o+ tal2ing to :yle5 telling hi+ she<' tal2 to +e5 telling hi+ it wo%l' -e o2ay) #t

wo%l'n<t5 tho%gh) (hy e4a*tly # was *rying so har' # *o%l'n<t @%ite 1ig%re o%t) # was a h%n're' 'i11erent 2in's o1 *on1%se') # was e4*ite' to go o%t with &ason) Or at least5 # had -een) # trie' to pi*t%re &ason<s han' in +ine5 his ar+ aro%n' +y waist) # trie' to pi*t%re +ysel1 2issing &ason) # sh%''ere' an' ha' to p%sh the i+age away5 al+ost na%seo%s) /o why ha' # -een so happy7 &%st -e*a%se #<' -een as2e' o%t -y a *%te -oy7 ?ay-e) # +ean5 it was pretty *o++on 2nowle'ge that

Nell 0awthorne was o11;li+its 1or anyone an' e.eryone) #<' -een as2e' o%t -e1ore5 when # was 1i1teen5 last year5 aro%n' ho+e*o+ing) aron /warni*2i) C%te;ish5 -%t -oring) Da' ha' 1lippe' o%t an' tol' +e # *o%l'n<t go o%t) # *o%l' go to ho+e*o+ing5 -%t that was it) #t ha' 2in' o1 A%st sprea'5 %nspo2en -%t %n'erstoo': !ell is off"limits) No one as2e' +e o%t again a1ter that) Da' was a pretty in1l%ential 1ig%re in o%r town) Only :yle<s 'a' was +ore i+portant5 an' that

was A%st -e*a%se he was a *ongress+an) Da''y owne' se.eral o1 the strip +all -%il'ings in town5 an' se.eral +ore in the s%rro%n'ing *o%nties) 0e was on the *ity -oar'5 ha' the ear o1 the +ayor5 the state go.ernor too) Thro%gh ?r) Calloway5 he also ha' a**ess to national politi*al 1ig%res) ?eaning5 no one wante' to *ross &i+ 0awthorne) #t was all strange5 now that # tho%ght a-o%t it) ?ay-e Da''y ha' sai' so+ething to the -oy that ha' as2e' +e o%t)

?y +in' sp%n -a*2 to :yle) To his s%''en5 e4tre+e rea*tion to &ason ha.ing as2e' +e o%t) To the way he<' loo2e' at +e in the tree) To +y own rea*tion to his Ewhy notG *o++ent) (hy not7 That<s the -est he *o%l' *o+e %p with7 # was angry all o.er again5 an' # *o%l'n<t stop it5 e.en tho%gh # 2new it was irrational) # 'i'n<t want hi+ to want to go o%t with +e just because) # wante' it to +ean so+ething)

# trie' to pi*t%re -eing with :yle as more5 whate.er that +eant) # *o%l' easily pi*t%re o%r 1ingers tangle' together) Can'lelit 'inners) ?y 1a*e on his *hest5 his lips 'es*en'ing to +ine as the s%n set -ehin' %s6 # tol' +ysel1 to @%it -eing so +elo'ra+ati*) !%t6# *o%l'n<t sha2e the i+age) # *o%l' al+ost 1eel :yle<s ar+s on +y -a*25 his han's spanning +y waist5 -r%shing 'angero%sly *lose to +y -%tt) # *o%l' 1eel the se*ret thrill o1 wanting

his han's to +o.e A%st a little lower) # *o%l' al+ost 1eel his lips5 war+ an' so1t an' wet5 slipping o.er +ine6 # -l%she' an' s@%ir+e' on the -e'5 rolling to +y -a*2 an' wiping +y 1a*e) (hat was wrong with +e7 # was 1antasiCing a-o%t :yle5 all o1 a s%''en7 # nee'e' to get o%tsi'e) # nee'e' to r%n) # strippe' o%t o1 +y s*hool *lothes an' p%t on +y r%nning shorts5 sports -ra an' tan2 top5 an2le so*2s5 Ni2es5 an' gra--e'

+y iPo') O%nning %s%ally *leare' +y hea'5 an' that was what # nee'e' right then) # st%*2 the ear-%'s in +y ears as # 'es*en'e' the stairs an' r%she' o%t the 1ront 'oor5 preten'ing # *o%l'n<t hear +y +o+ *alling +y na+e) # p%t on +y r%nning playlist5 all the silly5 e+pty5 %p-eat pop songs that # *o%l' p%sh to the -a*2 o1 +y hea' an' A%st r%n) # stret*he' -rie1ly an' too2 o115 hea'ing 1or +y %s%al 1i.e +ile *ir*%it) # passe' :yle<s 'ri.eway an'

+entally *%rse' +ysel1 1or not thin2ing) 0e was waiting 1or +e5 his own ear-%'s in5 shirtless in gy+ shorts) #<' seen hi+ li2e this a tho%san' ti+es5 his s*%lpte' a-s rippling in the s%n5 a 'ar2 line o1 hair r%nning 'own his sto+a*h an' 'isappearing -eneath his shorts) This ti+e5 tho%gh5 # ha' to swallow har' at the sight) # +ean5 # 2new :yle was hot) #<' always 2nown that a-o%t hi+5 an' always appre*iate' it) # +ean5 # was a nor+al5 hor+onal si4teen year;

ol' girl with a healthy appre*iation 1or a se4y +ale -o'y) # A%st ha'n<t really tho%ght a-o%t :yle in that way) Ni2e5 as an o-Ae*t o1 'esire) # 'i'n<t slow 'own5 tho%gh5 an' he 1ell into step ne4t to +e5 o%r 1ootsteps syn*ing nat%rally) 3.en the two;step rhyth+ o1 in-reath; o%t-reath syn*e' i++e'iately) (e 'i'n<t spea25 'i'n<t e.en loo2 at ea*h other) (e A%st ran) +ile5 then the se*on'5 an' then we -oth starte' to 1lag) # p%she' the pa*e an' he +at*he' it5 an' then

p%she' it e.en 1aster5 an' then we ha' o%r se*on' win') (e -lew past the gnarle' tree st%+p that +ar2e' the thir' +ile5 -reathing har' now5 sweating) # 1or*e' +y gaCe to the roa' ahea'5 1or*e' +y tho%ghts to e+ptiness5 Na'y Faga in the -a*2gro%n') O%n5 r%n5 r%n5 -reathe an' 1o*%s5 swing +y ar+s) Don<t loo2 at :yle) Don<t loo2 at the sheen o1 sweat on his -are *hest5 'on<t wat*h the -ea' o1 li@%i' tri*2ling o.er one nipple an'

%n'er the -%lge o1 his pe*toral5 'on<t i+agine +ysel1 li*2ing the 'roplet away as it to%*he' the rippling 1iel' o1 his a-s) ShitH (here 'i' that i+age *o+e 1ro+7 Ni*2ing hi+7 #et a grip, !ell. #et a damn grip. The sel1a'+onish+ent 'i'n<t help) The i+age was -%rne' into +y -rain5 now) :yle5 on his -a*25 in a grass 1iel') /weat r%nning o.er his -ronCe s2in5 hair +essy an' wet) Nowering +y 1a*e to his *hest5 pressing +y lips to his

-reast-one5 then li*2ing away a glinting -ea' o1 salty li@%i') Oh go'5 oh go'6ohmigod. This was -a') These weren<t goo' tho%ghts) (eren<t inno*ent tho%ghts) (eren<t !"" tho%ghts) # was a .irgin) #<' ne.er li*2e' anyone) Ne.er 2isse' anyone5 e.en) /%re5 #<' wat*he' a 1ew stea+y rate';O +o.ies with &ill an' !e**a5 an' we se*retly wat*he' True $lood together all the ti+e) /o6 we 2new how it was s%ppose' to go5 an' #<' ha' +y own little 1antasies an' girly 'ay'rea+s5

-%t6with %yle7 # was A%st *hanneling /oo2ie an' 3ri*) O-.io%sly) 34*ept :yle loo2e' +ore li2e !ill6 # Aolte' -a*2 to awareness5 an' :yle was a 1ew steps -ehin' +e5 an' # was 1%ll;o%t r%nning5 ar+s p%+ping wil'ly) # p%she' har'er5 ran 1aster5 p%shing the i+ages an' the s%''en ri'i*%lo%s 'esire 1or +y -est 1rien' away5 an' A%st ran) Negs t%rne' Aelly5 -reathing ragge' an' -%rning5 .ision -l%rring5 'esperation in pla*e o1 -loo'5 *on1%sion in pla*e o1 o4ygen5

that 2in' o1 r%nning) :yle sli' into +y peripheral .ision5 pa*ing +e5 straining5 then his *on'itioning too2 o.er an' he peele' away5 1aster than # *o%l' e.er hope to r%n) ll;state 1oot-all star at si4teen 1ast) lrea'y -eing s*o%te' -y M o1 ? an' la-a+a an' MNC 1ast) # st%+-le'5 slowe'5 stoppe'5 then sl%+pe' 1orwar' with +y han's on +y 2nees5 panting) :yle was a 'oCen 1eet away5 'oing the sa+e) (e were on the *rest o1 a

hill5 the 1orest o%t to o%r le1t5 o%r ho%ses a 1ew +iles -ehin' %s5 the ri'ge with o%r tree .isi-le o11 to o%r right) (il'1lowers swaye' in a -reeCe5 wel*o+e an' *ool in the early /epte+-er e.ening heat) # +a'e +ysel1 wal2 aro%n'5 1orgot +ysel1 an' peele' +y tan2 top o11 an' wipe' +y 1a*e with it) # stoppe' wal2ing again5 hea' tippe' -a*25 trying to slow +y -reathing5 tilte' +y hea' -a*2 an' 'rape' the shirt o.er +y eyes to sop %p the -%rning sweat 1ro+

+y 1orehea') E$o% sho%l' stret*h o%t5G :yle +%r+%re'5 only in*hes away) # starte' at the so%n' o1 his .oi*e5 his s%''en pro4i+ity) ?y heart starte' po%n'ing again5 ner.es this ti+e rather than e4ertion) (hi*h was st%pi') This was :yle) 0e 2new e.erything a-o%t +e) 0e<' seen +e na2e') (hi*h was the e4a*t wrong thing to thin2 in that +o+ent) # t%gge' the shirt o11 +y eyes an' loo2e' %p to see hi+ gaCing 'own at

+e5 e4pression intense -%t otherwise %nrea'a-le) 0e was ta2ing 'eep5 'ragging -reaths5 an' # 2new i1 # wasn<t *are1%l5 # +ight en' %p *on.in*ing +ysel1 it wasn<t A%st postr%n panting) # li*2e' +y lips5 an' his eyes 1ollowe' +y tong%e<s path) !a') This was -a') E:yle6G # starte'5 then realiCe' # 'i'n<t 2now what to say) ENell)G 0e so%n'e' *al+5 *on1i'ent) Mna11e*te') !%t his eyes6they -etraye' hi+) 0e t%rne' away5 -ent o.er with

his 1eet together an' -egan stret*hing) The +o+ent was -ro2en an' # t%rne' to stret*h as well) (hen we<' -oth 1inishe'5 we sat 'own in the grass5 an' # 2new we *o%l'n<t a.oi' the 'is*%ssion any +ore) To *o.er +y ner.es5 # t%gge' +y hair 1ree 1ro+ the ponytail an' shoo2 it o%t) :yle too2 a 'eep -reath5 glan*e' at +e ner.o%sly5 then s@%eeCe' his eyes sh%t) ENell5 listen) (hen # sai' Iwhy not<5 that was6it was st%pi') #t<s not what # +eant) #<+ sorry) # 2now how that +%st

ha.e so%n'e' to yo%5 # was A%st so %pset an' *on1%se'JG ECon1%se'7G E$es5 *on1%se'HG :yle sai'5 al+ost yelling) EThis whole thing -etween %s to'ay5 it<s confusing) (hen yo% tol' +e &ason as2e' yo% o%t5 # A%stJit was li2e so+ething in +y hea' A%st6 snappe') # pi*t%re' yo% o%t with hi+5 +ay-e e.en 2issing hi+5 an' #6 no) &%st no)G 0e s*r%--e' his 1a*e5 then lay -a*2 on the grass5 staring %p at

the -l%e s2y s*attere' with shre's o1 white an' staine' orange -y the lowering s%n) E# 2now how this is gonna so%n' -%tJwhen # pi*t%re' &ason<s ar+s aro%n' yo%5 his lips to%*hing yo%6# *o%l'n<t han'le it) # tho%ght5 I0ell noH Nell is +ine)< That<s when # ran o11) # *o%l'n<t 1ig%re o%t why # was so possessi.e s%''enly) # still6# 'on<t 2now where this is *o+ing 1ro+)G E# 'on<t either) # +ean5 # was s%rprise' -y the way yo%

rea*te'5 -%t then # went ho+e an' tho%ght a-o%t a*t%ally going o%t with &ason5 an'6it A%st 'i'n<t 1it) # *o%l'n<t i+agine it)G E/o are yo% still going o%t with hi+5 then7G # pa%se') E# 'on<t 2now) # g%ess not)G :yle glan*e' at +e5 then p%lle' o%t his iPhone5 the ear-%'s trailing 1ro+ it) EDoes he 2now that7G # s%*2e' in a -reath) # ha'n<t *alle' hi+ to *an*el) E/hit5 no5 he 'oesn<t)G :yle<s lip @%ir2e' %p in a grin)

E$o%<' -etter *all hi+5 then5 h%h7 0e<ll -e won'ering where yo% are5 # i+agine)G # glan*e' at +y iPo') 6:54 p)+) ECan # %se yo%r phone7G 0e s*rolle' thro%gh his *onta*ts5 yan2e' the ear-%'s 1ree5 an' han'e' it to +e) # hit Isen'< an' presse' it to +y ear5 the r%--er *ase still 'a+p an' war+ 1ro+ :yle<s grip) E0ey5 :yle5 +y +anH (hass%pHG &ason<s e4%-erant .oi*e *a+e thro%gh the phone) # s%*2e' in hesitant -reath) E *t%ally5 &ason5 this is Nell) #<+

*alling 1ro+ :yle<s phone6#J# 1orgot +ine)G E"orgot yo%rs7 (here are yo%7 #<+ p%lling %p to yo%r 'ri.eway right now)G 0is 1rien'ly5 e4*ite' .oi*e too2 on a *on1%se' tone) ENisten5 #<+ sorry5 -%t # *an<t go o%t with yo%)G long silen*e) EOh5 # got*ha)G 0is .oi*e 'roope'5 an' # *o%l' pi*t%re his 1eat%res 1alling) E3.erything o2ay7 # +ean5 JG E# A%stJ# +ay ha.e sai' yes too @%i*2ly5 &ason) #<+ sorry) # 'on<t thin26# 'on<t thin2 it<' wor2)G E/o5 this isn<t a rain *he*25 is it)G 0is wor's i+plie' a @%estion5

-%t his tone was a state+ent5 1lat5 tense) ENo) #<+ so sorry)G E#t<s 1ine5 # g%ess)G 0e la%ghe'5 a 1or*e' -ar2) E/hit5 no) #t<s not) This is 2in'a sha'y5 Nell) # was all e4*ite')G E#<+ so5 so sorry5 &ason) # A%st realiCe'5 a1ter really thin2ing a-o%t things6# +ean5 #<+ 1lattere'5 an' # was e4*ite' that yo% as2e' +e5 -%tJG EThis is a-o%t :yle5 isn<t it7 $o%<re with hi+5 on his phone5 so o1 course this a-o%t hi+)G E&ason5 that<s notJ# +ean5 yeah

#<+ with hi+ right now5 -%tJG E#t<s 1ine) # get it) # thin2 we all 2new this was *o+ing5 so # sho%l'n<t -e s%rprise') # A%st wish yo%<' tol' +e sooner)G E#<+ sorry5 &ason) # 'on<t 2now what else to say)G ENothing to say) #t<s all goo') #<ll A%st6whate.er) /ee yo% in *he+istry on ?on'ay)G 0e was a-o%t to hang %p5 an' a 1lash o1 inspiration Aolte' thro%gh +e) E&ason5 wait)G E(hat)G 0is .oi*e was 'ea'5 1lat) E# pro-a-ly sho%l'n<t tell yo% this5 -%t6!e**a has ha' a *r%sh

on yo% sin*e se.enth gra'e) # g%arantee she<ll go o%t with yo%)G E!e**a7G # *o%l' hear hi+ *onsi'ering the i'ea) E(o%l'n<t that -e weir'7 # +ean5 what wo%l' # say7 /he<' thin2 she was +y se*on' *hoi*e5 or so+ething) # +ean5 # g%ess that<s tr%e5 -%t not li2e that5 yo% 2now7G # tho%ght a-o%t it) E&%st tell her the tr%th) # -a*2e' o%t on yo%5 last +in%te) $o% alrea'y ha.e reser.ations5 an' # tho%ght she +ight li2e to go with yo% instea'

o1 +e)G EThin2 it<ll wor27 Oeally7G 0is .oi*e too2 on a new li1e5 e4*ite' on*e +ore) E/he is pretty hot)G E#t<ll wor2) &%st *all her)G # rattle' o11 her n%+-er5 an' he repeate' it) EThan2s6# thin2) !%t5 Nell7 Ne4t ti+e yo%<re gonna -rea2 a g%y<s heart5 gi.e hi+ a -it +ore noti*e5 wo%l' yo%7G EDon<t -e ri'i*%lo%s5 &ason) # 'i'n<t -rea2 yo%r heart) (e ha'n<t e.en gone o%t yet) !%t # am sorry 1or stan'ing yo% %p li2e this)G ENo worries) !esi'es5 +ay-e

so+ething will wor2 o%t with !e**a an' +e) /he<s al+ost as hot as yo%) (ait5 shit5 that 'i'n<t *o+e o%t right) Don<t tell !e**a # sai' that) $o% g%ys are e@%ally hot5 # was A%stJG # *o%l'n<t help la%ghing) E&ason7 /h%t %p) Call !e**a)G # hit en'5 han'ing :yle his phone -a*2) 0e stare' at the phone) EThat was pretty sli*25 Nell) # gotta han' it to yo%)G 0e glan*e' at +e @%iCCi*ally) EDoes !e**a really ha.e a *r%sh on hi+7G

# la%ghe' again) E0ell yes) /he<s -een +a' in lo.e with &ason Dorsey sin*e6well5 # tol' hi+ se.enth gra'e5 -%t it<s -een longer than that) (ay longer) Ni2e6sin*e 1o%rth gra'e) "ore.er) nother reason why # sho%l' ne.er ha.e sai' yes to hi+5 # was A%st6# was e4*ite'5 :yle) Fetting as2e' o%t -y *%te -oys is a -ig 'eal5 an' yo% an' &ason are the two *%test g%ys in the whole s*hool)G :yle grinne' at +e5 ra2ish an' +is*hie.o%s) E$o% thin2 #<+ *%te7G

Oh go') Oh go') This was tro%-le) # *o%l'n<t +eet his eyes) The grass was s%''enly really5 really interesting) E$o% 2now yo%<re hot5 :yle Calloway5 so @%it 1ishing 1or *o+pli+ents)G # trie' the 1lirty5 Ao2ing ta*25 hoping to 'istra*t hi+ 1ro+ the 1a*t that # was -l%shing hot re' 1ro+ 1orehea' to *lea.age) #t 'i'n<t wor2) E$o%<re eight sha'es o1 re'5 Nell)G 0is .oi*e was all too *lose) 0is -reath was hot on +y ne*2)

(hat was going on7 (hat was he 'oing7 # loo2e' %p an' :yle<s eyes were *enti+eters 1ro+ +ine) 0e was lying on his si'e5 an' his 1ingers were rea*hing 1or +e) # *o%l'n<t -reathe5 s%''enly) 0e was -r%shing +y hair -ehin' +y ear5 an' # *o%l'n<t 1o*%s on anything -%t his s*%lpte' -o'y an' his 1iery eyes an' his han' in +y hair an' his +o%th5 his lips5 so *lose5 his tong%e tip r%nning o.er his lower lip) /%''enly :yle was so+eone else5

so+eone 'i11erent) Not the little -oy #<' grown %p with5 -%t a yo%ng +an with his 1eat%res5 his eyes5 his strong Aawline5 -%t an intense5 grown %p5 al+ost h%ngry gaCe) # 'i'n<t 2now this :yle5 -%t # li2e' hi+) # wante' to 2now hi+) 3le*tri*ity s%rge' thro%gh +e5 startling +y eyes sh%t5 sho*2 'ragging a gasp thro%gh +y lips as :yle presse' his +o%th to +ine) (et heat an' so1t power thrille' thro%gh +e5 s%rprise gi.ing way slowly to won'er5 to 'elight)

:yle was kissing +e) Oh go'5 oh go'6ohmigod) # li2e' it5 so +%*h) ?y 1irst 2iss) # was -reathless5 %na-le to +o.e 1or the in*re'i-le 1eeling o1 lips to%*hing lips) "oreign -%t per1e*t5 @%esting an' hesitant) 0e p%lle' away5 lea.ing +e e.en +ore -reathless an' +o%rning the loss o1 the 2iss) ENell7 #Jyo%67G 0e see+e' %ns%re o1 hi+sel15 o1 the 2iss) # s+ile' at hi+5 o%r 1a*es still so *lose # 1elt +y lips *%r.ing against his) ?y han' 'ri1te' 1ro+ +y

lap to his ar+5 then to his 1a*e5 +y 1ingers splaying aro%n' his ear5 +y pal+ against his *hee2) 0e let o%t a sigh o1 relie15 an' this ti+e the 2iss was +%t%al) # presse' in5 +o.ing +y lips against his5 -reathless in won'er again5 or still) tho%san' @%estions that ha' *roppe' %p in +y +in' when wat*hing +o.ies showing people 2issing were answere') (hat 'i' yo% 'o with yo%r noses7 (hat nose7 ll # 2new was his +o%th against +ine5 slightly tilte') 0an's7 They see+e' to 2now

where to go on their own) To his 1a*e5 to his nape5 to his ar+s) # *o%l' -reathe e.en as we 2isse'5 o-.io%sly) #<' won'ere' i1 # ha' to hol' +y -reath5 when # was yo%nger) Now5 # was 'elighte' to %n'erstan' that # *o%l' 2iss :yle 1ore.er5 #<' ne.er ha.e to -rea2 1or -reath) # 'i'n<t want to) # wasn<t s%re how +%*h ti+e passe' while we 2isse' there in the grass on the hill) # 'i'n<t *are) Nothing +attere' -%t the

'elirio%s Aoy o1 :yle5 o1 +y 1irst 2iss5 o1 +a2ing o%t with +y -est 1rien'5 the only g%y #<' e.er really *are' a-o%t) This wasn<t A%st per1e*tly nat%ral5 it was the only thing # *o%l' i+agine happening5 an' # *o%l'n<t 1ig%re o%t how it ha'n<t happene' -e1ore now) Then5 s%''enly5 # was lying 'own in the grass5 -la'es *r%she' an' ti*2ling +y -are -a*2 -eneath the strap o1 +y sports -ra) :yle was a-o.e +e5 weight partially

on +e5 partially s%pporte' -y his ar+) 0is pal+ plante' into the grass ne4t to +y 1a*e5 an' # *%rle' +y han' aro%n' his ar+5 the other on his nape5 +a2ing s%re he 'i'n<t p%ll away5 'i'n<t stop 2issing +e) /%''enly5 # %n'erstoo' so +any things) # %n'erstoo' the 'anger in a 2iss) The heat an' the power an' the lightning) # 1elt so+ething har' pressing against +y hip5 an' # 2new what it was in a 1lash o1 heat) The 2iss -ro2e5 an' :yle shi1te'

away5 p%lling his hips -a*2) 0is gaCe 1li*2ere' o.er +y -o'y5 an' # -l%she'5 -oth 1ro+ his attention an' 1ro+ the 2nowle'ge o1 what #<' 1elt) 0e -l%she'5 an' # realiCe' #<' -een gaCing at hi+5 at his -o'y5 his s*%lpte' a-s an' 1%rther 'own5 to where a -%lge ga.e away what we were -oth aware o1) E/hitJG :yle sai'5 an' rolle' away5 *o.ering his 1a*e5 *learly e+-arrasse') ENell5 #<+ sorry5 # 'on<t 2now what happene'JG # giggle') E:yle5 #<+ pretty s%re we -oth 2now that<s -%llshit) #

2now what happene'5 an' so 'o yo%) (e 2isse') (e +a'e o%t) n' yo% got6e4*ite')G 0e p%lle' the the waist-an' o1 his r%nning shorts away 1ro+ his -o'y -rie1ly5 a'A%sting hi+sel1) E$eah5 -%t6it<s A%st e+-arrassing)G # rolle' to +y sto+a*h an' leane' o.er hi+5 as he ha' +e) E:yle5 it<s 1ine) (e<re not 2i's) #<+6# 2nowJ# +ean5 yeah5 it was a little o'' 1or se*on'5 -%tJG EThis *hanges things -etween %s5 'oesn<t it7G :yle as2e'5 interr%pting +e)

# *%t short5 st%nne' silent -y his a-r%pt @%estion) E# g%ess it 'oes5 yeah5G # sai') E re we still 1rien's7G # pani*2e') E#Jyes7 # +ean5 # hope so) # 'on<t 2now what happene'5 why we 2isse' li2e that5 why yo% got so Aealo%s an' why # *o%l'n<t go o%t with &ason) # +ean5 # know6-%t # 'on<t %n'erstan' why now) $o% 2now7 :issing yo%5 it 1elt6right) n' yo%<re still yo%) #<+ still +e) (e<re still %s5 :yle an' Nell) !%t6A%st +ore5 # g%ess)G

:yle sighe' in relie1) E# was a1rai'6# +eanJ# 'i'n<t +ean to 2iss yo%) #t A%st 2in' o1 happene') #t was a+aCing5 an' # 'i'n<t want to stop)G 0is gaCe 1inally +et +ine5 his 1ingers toying with a lo*2 o1 +y hair) E# want to 2iss yo% again5 right now) !%t6#<+ a1rai' #<' ne.er stop)G E(ho sai' # wante' yo% to stop7 # 2isse' yo% -a*25 :yle) # 'on<t 2now what this +eans 1or %s5 what this +a2es %s) # +ean5 are we -oy1rien';girl1rien' now7 # 'on<t 2now) (hat will o%r

parents say7 3.eryone has always tho%ght that<s what we are anyway5 right7G :yle<s tong%e ran o.er his -otto+ lip5 an' # 2new he was thin2ing a-o%t 2issing +e) # -eat hi+ to it) # leane' 'own5 +y hair 'raping o.er o%r 1a*es an' -lo*2ing o%t the worl'5 e.erything e4*ept the 2iss) :yle<s han' s2ate' %p +y ar+5 reste' aw2war'ly on +y sho%l'er5 an' then 'own +y -a*2) 0e hesitate'5 an' # 'i' too) The 2iss

-ro2e -%t o%r lips -arely parte') O%r eyes +et5 an' # *o%l' see hi+ won'ering5 thin2ing5 wanting -%t %ns%re) # +o.e' slightly5 -%t eno%gh so +ore o1 +y weight was on hi+5 +y han's resting on his *hest) #<' seen this position in a +o.ie -e1ore5 an' now # %n'erstoo' it) #t was inti+ate) Co+1orta-le5 -%t6s%ggesti.e) # 1elt worl'ly) '%lt) Frown;%p) "%ll o1 'esires # 'i'n<t @%ite %n'erstan' an' 'i'n<t 2now what to

'o with) # 1elt the har'ness -etween %s5 an' :yle<s hesitant gaCe tol' +e he was as a*hingly aware o1 it as # was) (hat was # s%ppose' to 'o7 ?o.e away7 #n the +o.ies5 this is where the 2iss wo%l' nat%rally an' easily +o.e to other things) #n True $lood5 this is where 3ri* wo%l' s2ill1%lly get /oo2ie<s *lothes o115 an' then the s*ene wo%l' *hange an' he wo%l' -e a-o.e her5 all +ale +%s*le an' long lines an' +otion5 an' they wo%l' -e +a2ing lo.e6

fucking6an' they<' -oth 2now e4a*tly what they were 'oing) # wasn<t so s%re a-o%t all that) /eeing hi+ witho%t his shirt on was s%''enly eno%gh to ha.e +e -l%shing) "eeling the s2in o1 his *hest -eneath +y han's5 his pal+s on +y 1lesh -eneath the strap o1 +y sports -ra ha' +e tingling) !%t6the rest7 # wasn<t rea'y) :yle +%st ha.e sense' +y t%r+oil5 or 1elt the s%''en ha++ering o1 +y heart) 0e p%lle' away an'

sat %p5 1or*ing +e to 'o the sa+e) E(e sho%l' slow 'own5 Nell)G E$eah6yeah)G # shot to +y 1eet an' pi*2e' %p +y shirt 1ro+ the grass) #t was sopping wet5 so # 'i'n<t p%t it -a*2 on) # 1elt +y +%s*les p%lling5 +y -a*2 twinging) # stret*he'5 ar*hing -a*2war'5 +y ar+s a-o.e +y hea' with +y pal+s 1a*ing the s2y) s # ease' o%t o1 the stret*h5 # 1elt :yle<s eyes on +e) On +e in a g%y way) /eeing +e5 really loo2ing) # -l%she') E(hat7G # as2e'5 e.en tho%gh #

2new) ENothing)G :yle<s eyes 'arte' away5 an' # *o%l'n<t help +y own gaCe 1ro+ ra2ing o.er his sweatglea+ing +%s*les5 the still;apparent telltale -%lge in his shorts5 whi*h only +a'e +e -l%sh har'er) # re+e+-ere' the one ti+e &ill an' # ha' wat*he' a porno on the internet she<' 1o%n'Jsi+ply o%t o1 *%riosity an' the r%sh o1 2nowing we sho%l'n<t wat*h it) ll # *o%l' thin2 o1 was how the +en ha' loo2e'5 h%ge an' .einy an' hairy an'6shudder) #t ha'n<t -een

1%n5 or hot5 or attra*ti.e) The wo+en ha'n<t loo2e' real) #t ha' -een %gly an' sho*2ing an' 2in' o1 s*ary) (e<' t%rne' it o11 not e.en hal1way thro%gh an' .owe' to ne.er tal2 a-o%t it again) (e<' t%rne' on a &ersey Shore repeat an' trie' to preten' we -oth 'i'n<t ha.e those aw1%l i+ages -%rne' into o%r -rains) n' now5 o1 *o%rse5 si4 +onths a1ter &ill<s an' +y 1aile' e4peri+ent with porn5 all # *o%l' thin2 as # trie' to 1or*e +y eyes away

1ro+ :yle<s *rot*h5 was whether he<' loo2 li2e the+5 i1 #<' -e t%rne' on -y how he loo2e' na2e'5 i1 he an' # were to 'o it together) E(e sho%l' hea' -a*25G :yle sai') E(e<.e -een gone a long ti+e)G The s%n was setting as we str%*2 o%t a*ross the 1iel' -a*2 towar' the +ain roa') # Aogge' 'own the steep hill ahea' o1 :yle5 an' again # 1elt his eyes on +e5 an' this ti+e # 2new he was staring at +y -%tt) # ignore' +y -l%shing e+-arrass+ent an' twiste' to

loo2 at hi+ o.er +y sho%l'er5 trying to loo2 *oy an' s%ltry) # swaye' +y hips at hi+ as # slowe' at the -otto+ o1 the hill) E$o% were staring at +e5 :yle5G # sai' in a low .oi*e when :yle approa*he') ENo # wasn<t)G 0e was 1ighting a grin5 -%t his *hee2s were pin25 gi.ing away his lie) E$es yo% were) $o% were staring at +y ass)G E#JG 0e '%*2e' his hea' an' r%--e' the -a*2 o1 his ne*25 then loo2e' -a*2 %p at +e5 grinning lopsi'e'ly) E$o% 2now what5

yeah5 1ine) # was) O2ay7 # was staring at yo%r ass) #s that a pro-le+ 1or yo%7G # shr%gge') E# 'i'n<t say # ha' a pro-le+ with it)G # wasn<t a-o%t to a'+it that # li2e' it) (e wal2e' si'e -y si'e in silen*e a1ter that5 a little aw2war'5 a little hesitant) :yle -ro2e the silen*e5 1inally) E$o% 2now5 #<.e -een trying not to loo2 at yo% li2e that 1or; 1ri*2ing;e.er) 3.ery ti+e we ran together5 # ha' to r%n in 1ront o1 yo%5 so # 'i'n<t stare at yo%r ass)

Or wat*h yo%r -oo-s -o%n*e) 3.en when yo% wear that -ra5 yo%r -oo-s -o%n*e a lot5 an' it<s really 1ri*2ing 'istra*ting)G E:yleHG # nearly 1ainte'5 # -l%she' so har'5 an' # *o%l'n<t stop giggling5 s%''enly) E(hat7 #<+ A%st telling yo% the tr%th) $o%<re +y -est 1rien'5 an' it 1elt wrong to -e loo2ing at yo% li2e any other girl) # +ean5 # try not to ogle girls anyway I*a%se that<s r%'e or whate.er5 -%t yo%<re 'i11erent) !%t6go''a+n5 Nell) #t<s so har' to not loo2 at yo%)

$o%<re hot)G # stoppe' wal2ing an' t%rne' to 1a*e hi+5 a-r%ptly) E$o% thin2 #<+ hot7G 0e threw +y wor's 1ro+ earlier -a*2 at hi+) E$o% 2now yo%<re hot5 Nell 0awthorne5 so @%it 1ishing 1or *o+pli+ents)G 0is grin 1a'e' into an intense gaCe5 serio%s an' ri1e with e+otion) E!%t6 hot isn<t the right wor') # +ean5 e.ery g%y in s*hool thin2s yo%<re hotJe4*ept Tho+as .ery I*a%se he<s gay) !%t # thin2 yo%<re -ea%ti1%l) $o%<re lo.ely)G

# shi1te' %n*o+1orta-ly %n'er the intense s*r%tiny an' pri*2ling heat in his eyes) EThan2s7G 'e thinks (m)lovely* The i'ea that :yle tho%ght # was not A%st hot5 -%t lo.ely5 sent pangs o1 so+ething li2e 1ear thro%gh +e5 an intense press%re in +y heart) (e wal2e' ho+e5 an' at so+e point his han' en'e' %p tangle' in +ine5 1ingers threa'e' as i1 they<' always -een there) (e arri.e' at his 'ri.eway 1irst5 an' his +o+ was at the en' o1 the 'ri.eway 1lipping thro%gh the +ail5 her *ell phone st%*2 -etween her ear an' sho%l'er5

pro-a-ly tal2ing to +y +o+) /he saw %s stroll thro%gh the +otoriCe'5 wro%ght iron gate5 han' in han') 0er eye-rows shot %p to her hairline an' she traile' o11 +i';senten*e5 +o%th open in a sho*2e' IO<) # 2new +y hair was a ragge'5 sweaty +ess5 +y shirt was o11 an' so was :yle<s6an' s%''enly +y lips tingle' with the +e+ory o1 his 2iss5 an' # won'ere' i1 she *o%l' tell we<' -een 2issing5 i1 she tho%ght we ha' -eenJ

EOa*hel7 #<ll ha.e to *all yo% -a*2) O%r *hil'ren A%st wal2e' in6hol'ing han's) $es) # 2now) lrea'y)G Oli.ia Calloway h%ng %p an' t%rne' to %s) E/o) $o% two were gone awhile)G /he glan*e' 'own at o%r Aoine' han's) (e loo2e' at ea*h other5 e4*hange' a long5 +eaning1%l glan*e) # s@%eeCe' his han'5 in'i*ating # wasn<t going to let go) # wasn<t asha+e' o1 this5 or trying to hi'e anything) :yle no''e' at +e s%-tly5 then t%rne' to his +o+) E(ell5 we went 1or a r%n5 then stoppe' %p

-y :eller<s Oi'ge to tal2)G ?rs) Calloway narrowe' her eyes at %s5 ta2ing in o%r state o1 %n'ress an' the tangle' +ess o1 +y hair) ETo tal25 h+++7 n' this7G /he gest%re' at o%r han's) :yle li1te' his *hin) E(e<re together now)G (e ha'n<t e4a*tly 'e*i'e' that5 per se5 sin*e we<' starte' 2issing witho%t a*t%ally agreeing to anything o11i*ial) !%t # wasn<t a-o%t to say any o1 that5 not here5 not now) n' we were together5 e.en

i1 we ha'n<t +a'e it Eo11i*ial)G E# see5G ?rs) Calloway sai') E$o%<re together5 now) re yo% s%re that<s a goo' i'ea7 $o%<re -oth so yo%ng)G :yle 1rowne' at his +o+) E/erio%sly7 Colt ha' a girl1rien' at si4teen an' # 'on<t re+e+-er yo% g%ys saying shit to hi+ a-o%t it)G E(at*h yo%r lang%age5 yo%ng +an5G she sai'5 her .oi*e har') E n' 1or the re*or'5 we did say so+ething to hi+) The sa+e thing #<+ saying to yo% now) &%st -e*a%se yo% 'i'n<t hear the

*on.ersation 'oesn<t +ean it 'i'n<t happen) $o% were5 what5 ele.en7 $o%r 1ather an' # wo%l' not ha.e ha' that *on.ersation with yo%r -rother in 1ront o1 yo%5 :yle)G :yle sighe') E$eah5 # g%ess yo%<re right) !%tJG E&%st -e *are1%l5 o2ay7G ?rs) Calloway *%t in o.er her son) E?o+5 no5 we weren<tJ# +ean we ha.en<tJG E#<+ not ha.ing that tal2 with yo%5 :yle) 3spe*ially not in 1ront o1 Nell) ll #<+ going to say is5 now an' going 1orwar'5

whate.er yo% 'o or 'on<t 'o6-e *are1%l)G /he t%rne' away5 t%*2ing the +ail %n'er her ar+5 then stoppe' an' glan*e' -a*2 at %s) E n' # +ean that in an e+otional sense5 not A%st physi*al) $o% two ha.e -een -est 1rien's yo%r whole li1e) Crossing the line into +ore6that<s a line yo% *an<t %n*ross)G /o+ething in her tone o1 .oi*e an' the way she stare' into +i''le 'istan*e ha' +e won'ering i1 she 2new what she was saying 1ro+ personal e4perien*e)

E(e 2now that5 ?o+) That<s what we were tal2ing a-o%t5 a*t%ally)G E(ell6goo')G /he .anishe' into the ho%se5 nose alrea'y -%rie' in her phone) # stoo' with :yle in his 'ri.eway) EThat wasn<t so -a')G ENo5 -%t that was ?o+) /he<ll *all Da'5 an' he<ll *all +e5 an' we<ll ha.e Ithe tal2)<G # *ontorte' +y 1a*e into an e4pression o1 *o++iseration) E$eah5 #<.e pro-a-ly got that tal2 waiting 1or +e at ho+e right now)G

0e la%ghe') EDi'n<t we alrea'y ha.e this tal2 with the+ when we were 2i's7G ENo5 that was 'i11erent5 #<+ pretty s%re) Then5 they were e4plaining what<s what an' what goes where an' why) This is6G # traile' o115 %ns%re how to 1inish the state+ent) E(hy we sho%l' wait7 n' how to -e responsi-le i1 we 'on<t7G E34a*tly)G # was al+ost a-s%r'ly relie.e' that we<' gotten thro%gh that 'is*%ssion witho%t ha.ing to say anything o.ertly e+-arrassing)

gain5 not rea'y) /o not rea'y) !%t then # 1elt his han's sli'ing onto +y -a*2 to p%ll +e into an e+-ra*e5 an' s%''enly the i'ea o1 +ore with hi+ 'i'n<t see+ so a-s%r') ?ore6e.ent%ally) Chapter 2: N%*2y #<+ #n No.e &anuary :yle an' # ha' settle' into a *o+1orta-le -%t e4*iting relationship) #n a .ery signi1i*ant way5 not +%*h ha' *hange' -etween %s) (e were the sa+e as we<' always -een5 we A%st hel' han's

at s*hool an' 2isse' in the hallways5 in his *ar5 on the *o%*h in 1ront o1 +o.ies) O%r parents 'i' in'ee' ha.e Ethe tal2G with -oth o1 %s a-o%t -eing sa1e5 whi*h was -eyon' +orti1ying) They 'i'n<t e.en gi.e +e a *han*e to tell the+ we ha'n<t e.en gone past 2issing5 or that se4 wasn<t on o%r horiCon5 as yet) t least5 it wasn<t on +ine) :yle see+e' to -e ta2ing his *%es 1ro+ +e5 an' # was *ontent to let things stay where they were) #

li2e' 2issing :yle) # li2e' +a2ing o%t with hi+ on the *o%*h) #t was +ay-e a little li2e how # ha'n<t wante' to p%sh o%r relationship 1ro+ 1rien'ship into 'ating5 si+ply -e*a%se # ha'n<t wante' to *hange so+ething # enAoye') #n reality5 'eep 'own5 # was s*are') # +ight ha.e psy*he' +ysel1 o%t a -it with all the shows an' +o.ies #<' wat*he' with !e**a an' &ill that ha' se4 in the+) # was a1rai' the reality wo%l'n<t li.e %p

to +y e4pe*tations) # +ean5 # 2new in +y hea'5 logi*ally5 that TP an' +o.ies 'on<t portray things with any 'egree o1 a**%ra*y to reality) 3.en the way *hara*ters 2isse' on s*reen wasn<t li2e 2issing in real li1e) # *o%l'n<t e4plain the 'i11eren*e5 e.en to +ysel15 tho%gh) # *o%l'n<t say any o1 this to :yle5 tho%gh) # wasn<t s%re he<' %n'erstan'5 an' # 2new it wo%l' so%n' silly) #t so%n'e' silly e.en to +ysel1) !%t # A%st *o%l'n<t sha2e the 1ears) # 2new the 1a*ts5

s%re) # 2new a girl<s 1irst ti+e wasn<t always that aweso+e5 an' that it h%rt) # ha' plenty o1 1rien's at s*hool who<' alrea'y ha' se4 an' ha' gotten the 'etails 1ro+ the+) !e**a5 1or e4a+ple) /etting her %p with &ason t%rne' o%t to -e e4a*tly what #<' hope') They<' -een going stea'y e.er sin*e5 an' !e**a ha' *o+e o.er late one night5 1l%she' an' e4*ite' an' glowing an' 1ighting tears) # sat with her on +y -e' an'

*li*2e' the .ol%+e %p on +y TP so the so%n's o1 Teen +om wo%l' 'rown o%t o%r *on.ersation) # waite'5 1i''ling with the 'rawstrings o1 +y paAa+a pants5 2nowing !e**a wo%l' tell +e what was on her +in' on*e she<' gathere' the right wor's) !e**a was li2e that: she ne.er spo2e %ntil she<' tho%ght thro%gh what she was going to say) /he<' str%ggle' with st%ttering as a *hil'5 an' as a res%lt o1 the spee*h therapy5 she<' learne' to

plan o%t e.ery wor'5 e.ery senten*e -e1ore she spo2e) #t ha' a way o1 +a2ing her so%n' as i1 she was rea'ing a s*ript5 so+eti+es5 whi*h not e.eryone %n'erstoo' a-o%t her) # 'i'5 tho%gh5 -e*a%se #<' 2nown her sin*e -e1ore she went thro%gh /T) #<' learne' to listen past the st%ttering to the wor's she +eant to say5 an' learne' not to r%sh her) 3.en a1ter /T5 yo% *o%l'n<t r%sh !e**a) /he<' say what she

+eant to say when she was rea'y5 an' not -e1ore) E# s;slept with &ason5G she sai') n' yeah5 !e**a still st%tters o**asionally in +o+ents o1 e4tre+e e+otion) # Aer2e' +y hea' %p5 hair -o%n*ing a*ross +y sho*2;wi'e eyes) !e**a was hal1;s+iling5 tight -la*2 *%rls o-s*%ring part o1 her 1a*e) # *o%l' see her -l%shing5 whi*h was tri*2y sin*e she was hal1; #talian an' hal1;Ne-anese5 an' th%s ha' 'ar25 '%s2y s2in an'

'i'n<t o1ten -l%sh) E$o% what7 "or real7 (hen7 (here7 (hat was it li2e7G !e**a twiste' a *%rl aro%n' her 1inger an' t%gge' on the springy lo*2 o1 hair5 a sign she was agitate') E#t was e.erything we<' e.er hear'5 Nell) +aCing5 aw2war'5 intense5 an' 2in' o1 pain1%l at 1irst) # +ean5 A%st li2e a pin*h5 not really -a' or anything5 an' a1ter it<sJit<s pretty in*re'i-le) &ason was .ery *are1%l an' .ery gentle) #t was his 1irst ti+e too) 0e was .ery sweet) #t 'i'n<t last long5

tho%gh) Not li2e in True $lood5 that<s 1or s%re) #t was goo' tho%gh)G EDi' yo% -lee'7G # as2e') /he no''e') E$eah5 a little) (e tol' o%r parents we were going to Freat Na2es Crossing to shop5 -%t we a*t%ally went to a hotel) #t wasn<t li2e # g%she' or anything)G /he grinne' at +e) EThe se*on' ti+e was e.en -etter5 an' less aw2war')G # 1rowne') E(hat<s aw2war' a-o%t it7G EOe+e+-er when yo% 2isse' 1or the 1irst ti+e7 # +ean really

2isse') Ni2e5 +a'e o%t) Oe+e+-er how it was *o+pletely nat%ral5 li2e yo% 2new what yo% were 'oing so+ehow5 -%t yo% still ha' to sort o1 1ig%re o%t how to 'o it right7 (here yo%r han's went5 an' all that7 (ell5 it<s 2in' o1 li2e that)G /he loo2e' o%t the win'ow at the oa2 tree -ran*hes swaying in the winter win'5 an' # *o%l' tell her +in' was -a*2 in hotel roo+ with &ason) # sat with her in silen*e5

wat*hing &enelle arg%e with her +o+ on the TP) EDo yo% 1eel 'i11erent7G # as2e'5 e.ent%ally) /he no''e') E$es) lot) Ni2e5 it<s har' to e4plain how yo% see e.erything 'i11erently) Physi*ally # 'on<t 1eel +%*h 'i11erent) little sore 'own there5 -%t that<s it) #nsi'e +y hea'5 # 1eel ol'er) (iser) !%t that<s not it5 really5 tho%gh) # 'on<t 2now) This part is the har'est to e4plain) # g%ess it<s li2e # 1inally %n'erstan' what the -ig

'eal is)G EDo yo% 1eel li2e yo% were rea'y7G /he 'i'n<t answer right away) E# g%ess) # 'on<t 2now) # +ean5 # wante' to) # really 'i') (e tal2e' a-o%t it 1or wee2s5 planne' o%t when an' where) (e went to 'inner 1irst an' it was ro+anti*) !%t # was s*are') &ason was too5 -%t # thin2 not as +%*h as # was)G # +et her eyes an' saw the hesitation) EDi' he press%re yo%5 !e**a7G /he loo2e' away5 then -a*2 to +e) E little7 # wo%l'n<t ha.e

'one it i1 # 'i'n<t want to) # A%st +ight ha.e waite' a -it longer5 i1 it was only %p to +e)G # wasn<t s%re how to respon' to that) E$o% were6sa1e5 right7G /he no''e' .igoro%sly) E?y *o%sin ?aria is twenty;three5 an' she too2 +e to get -irth *ontrol 1ro+ a *lini*) n' we %se' a;aJ yo% 2now) Prote*tion)G ECo%l' yo%r *o%sin ta2e +e too7G !e**a +et +y eyes) E# *an as2 her5 i1 yo%<re s%re) !%t wait %ntil yo%<re s%re yo%<re rea'y)G /he too2 a *o%ple 'eep -reaths5

then her sho%l'ers shoo25 an' # p%lle' her into a h%g) E re yo% o2ay7G /he shr%gge'5 shoo2 her hea'5 -%t sai'5 E$eah5 # g%ess) #<+ o.erwhel+e') # +ean5 # *an<t -elie.e # 'i' that)G /he p%lle' away an' +et +y eyes) E#G+ not a .irgin any+ore5 Nell) #<+ a wo+an5 now)G /he la%ghe'5 the so%n' al+ost a so-) E$o% weren<t rea'y5 were yo%7G # whispere') /he *ollapse' onto +e) EN;no) !%t # lo.e hi+5 Nell) # 'o)G /he

too2 a long sh%''ering -reath5 an' then *o+pose' hersel15 sitting -a*2 an' wiping her 1a*e) E# lo.e hi+ an' # 'i'n<t want to 'isappoint hi+) n';an' # 2new we *o%l'n<t 2eep s2irting the line li2e we ha' -een5 yo% 2now7G E(hat 'o yo% +ean7G EOh *o+e on5 Nell) $o% 2now what #<+ tal2ing a-o%t) $o% +a2e o%t5 an' it gets +ore an' +ore intense) n' e.ent%ally5 yo% A%st 2now where it<s going5 an' yo% ha.e to 2eep stopping yo%rsel.es

-e1ore it goes there a**i'entally) Ni2e # sai'5 # really tr%ly 'i' want to) Please 'on<t thin2 &ason was p%tting all this press%re on +e) #t wasn<t that5 an' it wasn<t that # 'i'n<t want to5 -e*a%se # 'i') # A%st6 # 'on<t 2now how to e4plain it)G E# thin2 # %n'erstan'5G # sai') E?a2ing o%t with :yle is starting to rea*h that point o1 ha.ing to stop o%rsel.es -e1ore we get *arrie' away)G /he too2 +y han's in hers) E(ell5 A%st 'o what we 'i') Tal2

a-o%t it) #1 it<s going to happen anyway5 we 1ig%re' it wo%l' -e -est to plan it5 +a2e s%re it happens on o%r ter+s5 yo% 2now7G # no''e'5 -%t # ha' to p%sh away the 'iCCying stor+ o1 tho%ghts r%shing thro%gh +y hea' 1ro+ the *on.ersation) !e**a h%ng o%t 1or a while longer5 1inishe' Teen +om5 whi*h s%''enly too2 on a whole new le.el o1 +eaning5 an' then went ho+e) #t too2 +e a long ti+e to 1all asleep a1ter !e**a le1t) ll # *o%l' thin2 o1 was how #<' ha'

to p%sh +ysel1 away 1ro+ :yle that e.ening5 how #<' 1elt li2e # was 'rowning in hi+5 losing +ysel1 in his 2isses) 0ow easy it wo%l' -e to A%st let go an' let +ysel1 -e swept away) # 'i'n<t want to ha.e any 'o%-ts5 tho%gh) # 'i'n<t want to show %p at !e**a<s ho%se a1terwar's an' *ry -e*a%se # ha'n<t -een a h%n're' per*ent rea'y to ha.e se4 with :yle) .oi*e whispere' 'eep in +y hea'5 tho%gh5 an' as2e' +e i1 #<' e.er -e *o+pletely rea'y5 i1 it

was e.en possi-le to -e a h%n're' per*ent rea'y 1or so+ething li2e that) QQQ Two wee2s later5 late on "ri'ay night5 # was sitting in the passenger seat o1 :yle<s Ca+aro as we *ar.e' thro%gh a thi*2 -lan2et o1 'ri1ting snow) O%r 1a.orite song5 our song5 was playing on the ra'io: &ason ?raC<s EN%*2yG5 an' # sang along) :yle was 1rowning in *on*entration5 the -rights on an' still -arely a-le to pier*e the pall o1 1alling white) 0e was

going -arely thirty on a 'irt roa' near o%r ho%ses whi*h # 2new he 2new li2e the -a*2 o1 his han') EThis snow is e11ing *raCy5G :yle sai') E# *an<t see ten 1eet in 1ront o1 +e5 an' +y -a*2 tires 2eep slipping)G E?ay-e we sho%l' p%ll o.er an' see i1 it lets %p a little5G # s%ggeste') ENo5 #<ll -e 1ine) (e<re not 1ar 1ro+ ho+e anyway) #<ll A%st ta2e it slow)G # rolle' +y eyes5 ha.ing 2nown e.en as # s%ggeste' it that he wo%l'n<t p%ll o.er an' wait) (e

ro%n'e' a *%r.e an' :yle let o%t a *%rse as the -a*2 tires 1ishtaile') # peere' thro%gh the snow ahea' o1 %s an' saw the reason 1or :yle<s pani*: a h%ge 'oe stan'ing in the +i''le o1 the roa'5 eyes glea+ing -l%e;green;sil.er in the hea'lights5 sto*2 still an' 1roCen an' getting larger -y the se*on') 0e *%rse' again an' 'ownshi1te'5 trying to get the *ar %n'er *ontrol5 -%t the Ca+aro only 1ishtaile' worse -e1ore twisting into a 1lat spin)

E?o.e5 go''a+n it5 yo% st%pi' 'eerHG :yle sho%te' as we span *loser to the ani+al) :yle 2new how to 'ri.e in the snow5 howe.er5 an' he p%+pe' the -ra2es5 t%rne' into the spin an' to%*he' the gas) The Ca+aro went thro%gh a thir' *o+plete three;si4ty5 -%t it was slowing on the 'irt5 gra.el an' snow +i4t%re) The 1ront @%arter o1 the *ar th%''e' into the 'eer5 an' the *ar shoo2 .iolently on the i+pa*t) # s*rea+e' an' -ra*e' +y han's on the 'ash-oar'5 -%t was %na-le

to loo2 away as the 'eer was 2no*2e' -a*2war's5 st%+-ling an' 1alling to its si'e in the snow) :yle was a-le to get the *ar to a stop5 the lights -athing the +otionless 'eer in the +i''le o1 the roa'5 snow li2e a *%rtain o1 white all aro%n' %s) (e were -oth panting5 :yle<s han's *len*hing the wheel in a white2n%*2le grip) # s%*2e' in a 'eep -reath an' let it o%t5 glan*ing at :yle) 0e +et +y eyes5 an' we -oth *ra*2e' %p in se+i;hysteri*al la%ghter) #

l%nge' o.er the gearshi1ter an' wrappe' +y ar+s aro%n' his ne*25 tre+-ling now that it was o.er an' the r%sh o1 a'renaline hit +e) The seat-elt was *%tting into +y *hest5 so # *li*2e' it 1ree an' hel' tighter to :yle) 0e sho.e' the shi1ter into par2 an' then p%lle' +e *loser) # *l%+sily *la+-ere' a*ross the *onsole so # was stra''ling hi+5 *linging to his ne*2) 0e too2 +y 1a*e in his han's an' p%lle' +e into a 'eep5 heate' 2iss)

# lost +ysel1 in hi+5 then5 ga.e +ysel1 o.er *o+pletely) 'renaline was *o%rsing thro%gh +e5 powering +e with lightning;hot energy) # *len*he' +y 1ists in the hair at the -a*2 o1 his hea'5 then *lawe' +y han's a*ross his sho%l'ers) ?y 1ingers *a%ght the ne*2 o1 his shirt an' +y pal+ slippe' %n'er the *otton to st%tter o.er -are 1lesh) # gaspe' at the heat o1 his s2in5 at the ele*tri*ity Cinging thro%gh +y -o'y at the 1eel o1 his s2in) n' then he to%*he' +e) Oh

go') 0is 1ingers *%rle' %n'er +y *oat an' %n'er +y shirt an' pal+e' the hot 1lesh o1 +y -a*2) # ar*he' into his to%*h5 1elt his tong%e 'art o%t to taste +ine5 an' # 1elt 'iCCy5 s%-s%+e'5 'rowning won'er1%lly) # -ro%ght +y han's aro%n'5 1eeling the ri'ges o1 his a-s an' the sla-s o1 +%s*le on his *hest) 0e +i+i*2e' +y +otion5 sli'ing his han's aro%n' to tra*e +y -elly with his 1ingers5 an' then o%r 2iss -ro2e5 lea.ing o%r lips to%*hing5

eyes open an' spar2ing intensity -etween %s) # hel' +y -reath as he -ro%ght his pal+s %pwar'5 -it +y lip an' 'rew a 'eeper -reath as his han's *%ppe' the la*e o1 +y -ra) # 1elt +y nipples har'en %n'er his to%*h5 e.en thro%gh the -ra5 not loo2ing away 1ro+ hi+5 gi.ing hi+ ta*it per+ission to 2eep to%*hing +e) # shi1te' -a*2war' so +y weight was on his 2nees an' +y -a*2 against the steering wheel) 0e hesitate' with his han's

*%pping -oth -reasts5 an' # *o%l' see hi+ thin2ing5 wanting to p%sh the +o+ent) 0e wante' to to%*h -are s2in) # wante' to let hi+) # li2e' his han's on +y 1lesh5 li2e' the lightning thrill o1 his han's on +y s2in) # rea*he' %p an' %n'er +y shirt5 -r%she' the strap o1 +y -ra o11 one sho%l'er5 then the other) :yle *%rle' his 1ingers %n'er the e'ge o1 the *%p5 t%gge' it 'own an' li1te' +y -reast 1ree) ?y shirt was

still hanging -etween %s5 +y *oat %nCippe' an' 'angling open) The heater was still -lasting5 o.erheating -oth o1 %s) # 1%+-le' with one han' an' *%t the heater o115 then ret%rne' +y gaCe to :yle) 0e was wat*hing +e with a hoo'e' gaCe5 warring with hi+sel15 his 'esire 1ighting reason) # 1elt the sa+e war) # wante' this with hi+) 0ere an' now5 # wante' hi+) Nothing else +attere') .oi*e in the -a*2 o1 +y hea' re+in'e' +e o1 +y *on.ersation

with !e**a a *o%ple wee2s -e1ore) # p%she' the .oi*e asi'e) :yle<s han's were roa+ing +y -elly5 +y si'es5 an' ret%rning to +y -reasts) 0e ha' -oth o1 the+ 1ree o1 the *%ps now5 an' was e4ploring +y -reasts with his pal+s an' 1ingers) # shr%gge' o%t o1 +y *oat5 an' then5 -e1ore # *o%l' se*on' g%ess +ysel15 # p%lle' +y shirt o.er +y hea') :yle s%*2e' in a -reath5 a gi''y s+ile *%r.ing his lips) EFo'5 yo%<re so hot5G he

-reathe'5 ta2ing in +y pale s2in an' the 'ar2 *ir*les o1 +y areolae an' the pin2 -%ttons o1 +y nipples) # -it +y lip as he *%ppe' on -reast5 r%--ing the nipple in *ir*les with his th%+-5 s@%eeCe' +y eyes sh%t in a r%sh o1 ner.es5 1eeling s%''enly e4pose'5 sha+e 1ighting with 'esire) # wante' this) # li2e' this) #t was o2ay5 right7 This was :yle5 +y -oy1rien' an' -est 1rien' an' # lo.e' hi+) The last tho%ght *a+e a sho*25 'rawing a gasp 1ro+ +e) ( love

him* Di' #7 ?y heart swelle' an' a*he' e.ery ti+e # was near hi+5 an' the tho%ght o1 not -eing with hi+ s*are' +e) That was lo.e5 right7 # wante' to -e with hi+ all the ti+e5 e.ery +o+ent) E# wish # *o%l' see all o1 yo% right now5G he sai'5 *aressing +y -reast) -olt o1 nee' shot thro%gh +e) # wante' hi+ to see all o1 +e) !%t here5 now7 Ni2e this7 # opene' +y +o%th to spea25 -%t he -eat +e to it) ENot here5 tho%gh5G he sai'5 s@%eeCing his eyes sh%t an'

gritting his teeth) E# want yo%5 Nell) #<+ not gonna lie)G 0e with'rew his han's 1ro+ +y s2in5 an' # nearly whi+pere' at the loss o1 his to%*h) # st%11e' +ysel1 -a*2 in +y -ra5 -%t 'i'n<t p%t on +y shirt) :yle<s eyes were -right an' intense) E# want yo% too5G # sai') E!%t # want it to -e right) # want it to -e spe*ial)G 0e see+e' to -e str%ggling with hi+sel1) # 1elt +y heart s@%eeCe at his wor's5 an' leane' 1orwar' to 2iss hi+5 ta2ing his 1a*e in +y han's)

E n' that<s why # lo.e yo%5G # whispere'5 not thin2ing) 0e 1roCe5 his eyes wi'e5 sear*hing +ine) E(hat7G # -it +y lip5 worrie' it was too soon) E#JG ?y eyes sli' *lose' as # 1o%ght 1or the right wor's) # 'e*i'e' to own it) E# sai'5 that<s why # lo.e yo%) # 'o) # lo.e yo%5 :yle)G 0is han's slippe' aro%n' to s2ate %p an' 'own +y -a*2 -e1ore *o+ing to rest on +y hips in a 1a+iliar5 sens%al5 in*re'i-le to%*h) # s%''enly lo.e' his han's there5 wante' the+ there

1ore.er) 0is han's on +y hips a-o.e the waist o1 +y low;rise Aeans 1elt per1e*t) E#<+ not gonna say it yet5G he sai'5 then 1rowne') E# 'on<t want yo% to thin2 #<+ A%st saying it -a*2 -e*a%se yo% 'i' !%t # 'o)G The tho%ght ha' *rosse' +y +in') E$o% 'o7G 0e shoo2 his hea'5 th%+-s r%--ing in *ir*les on +y hip-ones) E$ep)G # s+ile' an' leane' in 1or another 2iss) EFoo') $o% sho%l' lo.e +e)G

0e *h%*2le' into +y lips) EOh5 # 'o)G 0is han's roa+e' %p +y si'es5 an' # ar*he' +y -a*2 o%t to allow hi+ a**ess to +y -reasts) E3spe*ially these) # really li2e these)G #t was +y t%rn to la%gh) EOh really7 3spe*ially those7 &%st those7 $o% only lo.e +e 1or +y -oo-s7G E0+++5G he preten'e' to *onsi'er5 then sli' his han's aro%n' to +y -a*25 hesitate'5 then 'es*en'e' to *%p +y -a*2si'e) E n' this) # li2e this too)G

# sli' +y pal+s %p %n'er his shirt an' pin*he' his nipples5 eli*iting a s@%aw2 1ro+ hi+) ETry again5 -%ster)G 0e la%ghe' an' p%lle' +e into a h%g5 whispering into +y hair) E#<+ teasing5 Nell) # lo.e yo% 1or yo%) "or who yo% are)G # t%rne' +y 1a*e %p to 2iss his Aaw) E# 2now) # was teasing too)G (ith the heater o115 *ol' ha' sn%*2 into the *ar5 an' # 1elt goose-%+ps *o.er +y s2in) :yle 1elt it too an' han'e' +e +y shirt5 *ran2ing the heat -a*2 %p) # sli'

o11 his lap an' p%t +y shirt on) E# won'er i1 the 'eer is 'ea'5G :yle sai') # peere' o.er the hoo' at the shape in the still;1alling snow) E#t<s not +o.ing)G # glan*e' at hi+ as # Cippe' +y *oat) E/ho%l' we *he*27G E#<ll loo25G he sai') E/tay here)G # snorte') ENo wayH # wanna see too)G 0e shoo2 his hea'5 h%11ing a la%gh) (e -oth got o%t5 stepping so1tly thro%gh the pow'ery snow) "la2es settle' on +y nose an' in

+y hair5 *o.ering +e al+ost instantly in a *ol' '%sting o1 white) # wrappe' +y ar+s aro%n' +y +i''le an' leane' into :yle<s si'e) 0e stoppe' a 1ew 1eet away 1ro+ the 'eer5 p%t a han' on +y sho%l'er to 2eep +e in pla*e5 then +o.e' 1orwar' again) tense silen*e stret*he' -etween %s5 the engine r%+-ling -ehin' %s5 hea'lights -athing %s in a swath o1 -rightness that pier*e' the otherwise 'ar2 winter night)

# wat*he' as :yle *are1%lly approa*he' the 'eer) 0e e4ten'e' a toe to to%*h the ani+al<s si'e5 n%'ging gently) Nothing) # let o%t a -reath) :yle +o.e' 1orwar' a -it +ore5 *ro%*he'5 e4ten'e' a han' to to%*h the 'oe<s si'e) 0e t%rne' -a*2 to +e5 s%rprise') E/he<s still ali.e) /till -reathing)G E(hat 'o we 'o7G # as2e') E(e *an<t A%st lea.e her here)G 0e hel' his han's o%t in an I# 'on<t 2now< gest%re) E/he +ight A%st -e %n*ons*io%s5 or i1 she<s

h%rt so+ehow6# 'on<t 2now5 Nell)G t that +o+ent5 the 'eer<s hoo1 twit*he'5 then her 1lan2 sh%''ere' an' she h%11e' o%t a -reath) :yle s*ra+-le' -a*2war'5 *%rsing in sho*2 as the 'oe 1laile' wil'ly5 gathere' her 1eet %n'er her an' trotte' a 1ew steps away5 stopping to regar' %s with 'ole1%l eyes an' swi.eling ears) :yle was on his -%tt in the snow5 wat*hing the 'eer as she gaCe' at %s 1or a long +o+ent5 then -o%n'e' o11 a*ross

the roa') E/hitHG :yle sai'5 stan'ing %p an' -r%shing hi+sel1 o11) EThat honestly s*are' the *rap o%t o1 +e) # thin2 # +ight<.e pee' a little)G # la%ghe' so har' # ha' to *l%t*h his ar+ to stay %pright) (e 'ro.e ho+e the rest o1 the way witho%t in*i'ent5 -%t the +e+ory o1 the +o+ent we<' share' in the *ar was 1ore+ost in o%r +in's) (e 'i'n<t 2iss 1or as long as we nor+ally 'i' -e1ore # got o%t at

+y 'ri.eway) # 2new the power o1 getting *arrie' away5 now5 an' o%t o1 the heat o1 the +o+ent5 # 2new # still wasn<t rea'y) # 'i'n<t thin2 :yle was either) Chapter 3: Foing to the 0otel ,alentines -ay # was a little Aittery '%ring s*hool5 a-sent+in'e'5 won'ering what :yle ha' planne' 1or %s) # 2new he 2new it was Palentine<s Day5 an' # 2new he ha' so+ething planne'5 as he<' hinte' at so+ething spe*ial) (e<' -een *are1%l the last *o%ple wee2s5 2eeping o%r

2isses *al+ an' %n'er *ontrol) (e -oth 2new5 in an %nspo2en way5 that i1 we let o%rsel.es get *arrie' away5 it wo%l' -e too easy to si+ply not stop) (e ha' to tal2 a-o%t it5 at so+e point) # 2new we ha' to) 0e 2new we ha' to) !%t we 2ept a.oi'ing it) (hi*h was weir'5 in a way5 -e*a%se we were -oth horny5 hor+onal teenagers) # 2new he wante' it5 an' # 'i' too) !%t we were -oth s*are'5 # thin25 -e*a%se we 2new that wo%l' -e

another line *rosse'5 a +ore signi1i*ant line) &%st in *ase5 tho%gh5 #<' gone with !e**a<s *o%sin to get -irth *ontrol5 an' #<' -een ta2ing it 1or a-o%t a wee2) # ha'n<t tol' :yle5 tho%gh) nother thing # 1ig%re' # pro-a-ly sho%l' 'o5 -%t *o%l'n<t e.er see+ to 1in' the right ti+e 1or) /i4th perio' 1inally en'e' an' # +et :yle at his *ar) 0e grinne' at +e as he opene' +y *ar 'oor an' *lose' it -ehin' +e) E re yo% gonna tell +e what we<re 'oing tonight7G # as2e')

0e wrin2le' his -row5 as i1 *on1%se') ETonight7 (hat<s tonight7G # stare' at hi+5 trying to 'e*i'e i1 he was Ao2ing5 or i1 # ha' +isinterprete' his hints) E$o%<re 2i''ing5 right7G t the warning tone in +y .oi*e5 he -%rste' into la%ghter) E$es5 Nell5 #<+ 2i''ing) No5 #<+ not gonna tell yo%) !oth o1 o%r parents 2now we<re going to -e o%t late5 tho%gh) #<.e alrea'y *leare' e.erything with the+) O%r te+porary *%r1ew 1or tonight is two a)+)G

# *%t +y eyes at hi+) ETwo7 Planning on 2eeping +e o%t that late5 h%h5 :yle7G 0e -l%she') E?ay-e)G # too2 a 'eep -reath5 2nowing # ha' to -roa*h the s%-Ae*t) # 'i'n<t thin2 he wo%l') E -o%t tonight) re we6# +ean6i1 we<re staying o%t late5 'oes that +ean yo%<re planning on %sJG # *o%l'n<t get the wor's o%t) :yle 1i''le' with the gearshi1ter5 *hewing on his lower lip) "inally he glan*e' at +e as we p%lle' to a stop at a re' light) ENoo25 #

2now what yo%<re getting at5 an'6#<.e +a'e arrange+ents) $o% 2now5 in *ase that<s what we want) !%t we 'on<t ha.e to) # want it to -e right)G E$o%<.e +a'e arrange+ents7 (hat 'oes that +ean7G 0e -l%she' again5 re''er than e.er) E(e ha.e a roo+ at the Oe' Ooo1 #nn) #t<s A%st 'own the roa' 1ro+ where we<re ha.ing 'inner)G # trie' to Ao2e) EFetting a -it pres%+pt%o%s5 are we5 ?r) Calloway7G

:yle grinne' at +e5 -%t we -oth 2new the Ao2e ha' 1allen 1lat) E&%st6in *ase)G tho%ght str%*2 +e an' # -l%rte' it o%t -e1ore # ha' a *han*e to o.er;thin2 it) E:yle7 0a.e yo% tho%ght that +ay-e we<re not rea'y i1 we *an<t e.en tal2 a-o%t it witho%t getting %n*o+1orta-le7G 0e la%ghe'5 a ner.o%s so%n') E$eah5 that tho%ght has *rosse' +y +in')G E re we 'oing this -e*a%se it<s what all o%r 1rien's are 'oing7G 0e glan*e' at +e in irritation)

ENoH # +ean5 &ason tol' +e a-o%t hi+ an' !e**a5 an' # 2now aron an' :yla ha.e 'one it too5 -%t no) No) n' we<re not 'oing anything5 ne*essarily) # A%st wante' to ha.e the option a.aila-le)G # la%ghe'5 +ore at +ysel1 than anything else) E# 'on<t 2now i1 #<+ to%*he' that yo% tho%ght ahea'5 or weir'e' o%t that yo% ass%+e' we wo%l')G E# 'i'n<t ass%+e anything5 Nell)G :yle so%n'e' al+ost angry) E# A%stJyo% 2now what5 yeah) # 'i'

ass%+e) # +ean5 # really want to -e with yo%5 Nell) # 2now we<re yo%ng5 -%t # lo.e yo%) # thin2 we<re rea'y)G # stare' at hi+: he<' sai' the wor's) E(e<re si4teen5 :yle)G # @%ir2e' an eye-row at hi+) E n' aren<t yo% s%ppose' to wait %ntil a ro+anti* +o+ent '%ring 'inner to tell +e yo% lo.e +e7 The +i''le o1 an arg%+ent 'oesn<t see+ li2e the -est ti+e 1or it5 yo% 2now7G E#s this an arg%+ent7G # shr%gge') E:in' o17 # 'on<t

2now) # 'on<t want it to -e)G E?e neither) n' # g%ess yo%<re right5 -%t it<s o%t there now) # 'o lo.e yo%) #<.e -een wanting to say it to yo% 1or wee2s now5 -%t #<.e -een too *hi*2en) # was planning on telling yo% tonight) # ha' a whole thing s*ripte') Ni2e5 a*t%ally written o%t)G 0e '%g into his pants po*2et an' p%lle' o%t a 1ol'e' pie*e o1 line' note-oo2 paper5 e'ges ragge' with rippe';o%t spiral;-o%n' tags) ( know were young, it rea') .nd ( know most people would say

were just kids, or to young too know what love is. $ut screw that. (ve known you my whole entire life. /e have shared everything together. 0very important thing in our lives has happened together. /e learned to ride bikes together and we learned to swim together and we learned to drive cars together. /e failed 1th grade algebra together. 23emember how nasty +r. &enkins was* 'ow many times were we sent to the office that semester*4. .nd

now were learning how to fall in love together. ( dont care what any one else says. ( love you. (ll always love you, no matter what happens with us in the future. ( love you now and forever. 5our loving boyfriend, %yle # rea' the note thro%gh se.eral ti+es) # wasn<t aware that # was *rying %ntil so+ething ploppe' onto the *rin2le'5 +%*h;1ol'e' page5 sprea'ing a wet -l%e stain o.er the in2) This *hange' e.erything) E# lo.e yo% too5 :yle)G #

la%ghe'5 e.en as # sni11le') EThis note is so sweet) /o per1e*t) Than2 yo%)G 0e shr%gge') E#t<s tr%e) # 2now this wasn<t +ay-e the +ost ro+anti* way 1or +e to tell yo% # lo.e yo%5 -%tJG E#t<s per1e*t5 :yle)G # re1ol'e' the note an' t%*2e' it into +y wallet in +y p%rse) That note wo%l' -e*o+e +y greatest *o+1ort5 an' the re+in'er o1 +y 'eepest hearta*he) 666

The resta%rant :yle ha' *hosen was insanely -%sy) 3.en with reser.ations5 we waite' al+ost an ho%r 1or o%r ta-le to -e rea'y) There were 'oCens o1 *o%ples ranging 1ro+ o%r age to ol' +arrie' *o%ples) (e too2 o%r ti+e5 sharing a sala'5 so%p an' an entree5 as well as h%ge pie*e o1 *heese*a2e 1or 'essert) (e were o''ly rela4e'5 now that the 'e*laration o1 lo.e was o%t o1 the way) (e *hatte' easily a-o%t e.erything 1ro+ tea*hers

at s*hool to gossip regar'ing who was sleeping with who+ an' who wasn<t) 3.ent%ally :yle pai' the ta- an' we went -a*2 to his *ar) :yle p%lle' o%t o1 the resta%rant par2ing lot an' wo%n' his way slowly aro%n' town) 0e was 2illing ti+e5 # 2new5 gi.ing %s a *han*e to tal2 -e1ore we -roa*he' the iss%e o1 going to the hotel or not) :yle *ir*le' town on the 'irt -a*2 roa's as we tal2e'5 an' a1ter a-o%t hal1 an ho%r5 he p%lle' -a*2 onto the +ain roa' approa*hing

where # 2new the hotel was) 0e glan*e' at +e5 rea*he' o%t an' too2 +y han' in his) EDo yo% want to go ho+e7 There<s a *o%ple +o.ies playing at the theater5 too5 in *ase yo% wante' to see a +o.ie)G 0e 1i'gete' with the steering wheel as we sat at a stoplight5 then 1inally t%rne' to +eet +y eyes5 his gaCe serio%s) EOr we *an go to the hotel)G De*ision ti+e) Oh go') 0is eyes were li@%i' -rown5 +o*ha sprin2le' with

*inna+on re' highlights5 little spe*2s o1 topaC an' 1le*2s o1 tan) 0e was so serio%s5 so sweet) O11ering %p the i'ea witho%t press%ring +e) # s@%eeCe' his han' as we approa*he' the signat%re re' tile roo1 o1 the hotel) # swallowe' har') ENet<s go to the hotel5G # sai') (e were still s2irting the iss%e) Tal2ing a-o%t it in *o'e) #oing to the hotel) ?eaning5 let<s go ha.e se4) # -l%she' as the -l%nt tho%ght *rosse' +y +in') !%t then # loo2e' at :yle5 at his

*are1%lly spi2e' -la*2 hair5 his strong Aawline an' high *hee2-ones an' so1t lips) 0is long -la*2 eyelashes -lin2e' rapi'ly5 an' then he glan*e' at +e5 o11ere' +e a ner.o%s -%t -rilliant s+ile5 1lashing straight white teeth) ?y ner.es re*e'e'5 A%st a little -it) ?y heart *ontin%e' to po%n' a +illion +iles a +in%te5 tho%gh5 an' the ha++ering in +y *hest only rat*hete' %p 1aster as we p%lle' into the par2ing lot an'

approa*he' the *he*2;in *o%nter) The wo+an -ehin' the *o%nter was ol'er5 with graying -lon' hair an' steel -l%e eyes) :nowing eyes) /he ga.e %s ea*h a long5 har' stare5 as i1 'aring %s to *ontin%e on) 0er lips p%rse' in a 'isappro.ing 1rown as she han'e' :yle the 2ey*ar'5 an' # 2new she wante' to say so+ething to %s) /he 'i'n<t5 tho%gh5 an' :yle an' # -oth 1o%ght la%ghter as we -oar'e' the ele.ator to o%r thir'; 1loor roo+)

EFo'5 she was intense5G :yle sai'5 snorting in la%ghter) E$eah she was5G # agree') E# thin2 she 2new what we were 'oing5 an' she 'i'n<t li2e it one -it)G E(ell no shit she 2new5G :yle sai') EThere<s only one reason two si4teen year ol's wo%l' get a hotel roo+ on Palentine<s Day witho%t any l%ggage)G EThin2 she wo%l' tell anyone7G # as2e') E(ho wo%l' she tell7 #t<s not li2e we<re r%nning away)G # ha' no answer 1or that -esi'es a shr%g an' a no') (e were at

o%r roo+5 313) :yle sli' the *ar' in an' the light t%rne' green with a click5 a%'i-le in the silent hallway) 0e p%she' the 'oor open5 le' +e in to the 'ar2ene' roo+5 *l%t*hing +y han' tightly) 0e 1lippe' a swit*h5 -athing the roo+ in too;-right light) 0e see+e' to sense the 1eeling o1 the o.erhea' light -eing too -right an' i++e'iately le1t +y si'e to *li*2 on the la+p a11i4e' to the wall ne4t to the @%een -e') # t%rne' o11 the o.erhea' light5 an' we

-oth sighe' in relie1) :yle sat on the e'ge o1 the -e'5 1i'geting with the en' o1 his tie) # s+ile' at hi+) 0e was so han'so+e in his -la*2 s%it5 a 'aring pin2 tie the only splash o1 *olor against his -la*2 'ress shirt) 0e %n-%ttone' his -laCer an' r%--e' his pal+s on his 2nees) # li*2e' +y lips5 twit*hing the he+ o1 +y slee.eless5 *oral 2nee;length 'ress) O%r eyes +et an' s2i''e' past ea*h other5 ner.es r%shing -a*2 in spa'es5 now that we were alone in a hotel roo+)

t +y ho%se or his5 in his *ar on the -a*2 roa's5 e.erywhere we<' e.er 2isse'5 there ha' -een the 2nowle'ge that so+eone *o%l' 1in' %s) The -a*2 roa's were reg%larly patrolle' -y *o%nty sheri11s5 an' at least one o1 o%r parents were always ho+e) This was the 1irst ti+e we<' e.er -een tr%ly alone5 in pri.ate5 with no possi-ility o1 -eing interr%pte') ?y heart was -eating so har' # was s%re :yle *o%l' hear it 1ro+ a*ross the roo+) ?y eyes 1li*2e' -a*2 to his 1a*e5

wat*he' his tong%e sli'e a*ross his lower lip5 an' # +i+i*2e' the a*tion5 al+ost %n*ons*io%sly) That was the -rea2ing point) :yle l%nge' o11 the -e' an' was presse' %p against +e -e1ore # *o%l' rea*t5 one o1 his large5 strong han' *%pping +y *hee25 the other resting on +y waist A%st a-o.e +y hip) 0e 'i'n<t 2iss +e i++e'iately5 tho%gh) 0e hesitate'5 his lips an in*h 1ro+ +ine5 his eyes hot an' so1t on +ine) E re yo% a1rai'7G 0e whispere'5 his -reath h%11ing so1tly on +y

lips) # shr%gge'5 a tiny roll o1 one sho%l'er) E$es5 a little)G E(e *an lea.e)G # shoo2 +y hea') E# want to -e here with yo%5G # -reathe') # li1te' +y han's to tangle +y 1ingers in his hair) # p%she' +y 1ingers thro%gh his hair5 gel; spi2e' lo*2s pri*2ly -%t so1t5 then *%rle' +y han' aro%n' his nape an' p%lle' hi+ into a 2iss) ENet<s A%st start with this5G # sai'5 p%lling away) EOne step at a ti+e)G EThat<s what # was thin2ing)G

(e stoo' in the +i''le o1 the hotel roo+5 2issing5 han's graCing 1a*es5 pawing at sho%l'ers an' -a*2s) (e 'i'n<t try to p%sh it5 initially) # 1elt his heart po%n'ing in his ri-s5 +y han' on his *hest5 an' the 2nowle'ge that he was as ner.o%s as +e ga.e +e *o%rage) # p%lle' -a*2 1ro+ the 2iss5 +et his gaCe5 then -r%she' his s%it *oat 1ro+ his sho%l'ers) #t 1ell to the gro%n' -ehin' hi+5 an' # p%lle' his tie loose with -oth han's5 sli' the sil2 1ree an' 'roppe' it on

the -laCer) 0e sear*he' +y eyes5 waiting) # 1%+-le' with the tiny top -%tton5 1inally got it open with a ner.o%s la%gh) :yle la%ghe' with +e5 resting his han's on +y hips5 lower now) O%r eyes were lo*2e' together as # %n'i' his 'ress shirt one -%tton at a ti+e5 +y han's sha2ing) "inally5 the shirt h%ng open5 re.ealing a star2;white wi1e; -eater tan2 top that h%gge' his +%s*%lar torso) # too2 one o1 his han's in

+ine5 %n-%ttone' the *%115 then the other5 t%gge' the slee.es 'own past his wrists so the shirt -illowe' to the 1loor at his 1eet) 0e rea*he' -ehin' +e 1or the Cipper o1 +y 'ress5 -%t # stoppe' hi+) # wasn<t 'one yet) # was 'eter+ine' to 'o this right5 to 'o this as #<' i+agine') /ee5 #<' pi*t%re' this +o+ent o.er an' o.er in +y +in') # wo%l' slowly %n'ress hi+5 an' then wait5 heart in +y throat as he %nCippe' +y 'ress an' let it 1all away) # ne.er got past

that +o+ent in +y i+agination5 tho%gh) 0e 2i*2e' o11 his shoes5 an' then stoo' still on*e +ore5 waiting5 s+iling hesitantly) # li*2e' +y lips5 wat*hing his eyes 1ollow +y tong%e) # p%t +y han's on his waist5 hesitate'5 then p%she' %p the *otton tan2 top5 -aring his torso slowly5 one in*h at a ti+e) 0e li1te' his ar+s o.er his hea' an' we re+o.e' the shirt together5 lea.ing :yle stan'ing shirtless in his s%it pants5 glorio%sly -ea%ti1%l)

Now *a+e the har' part) # 'rew in a 'eep -reath an' rea*he' 1or his -elt) 0is eyes wi'ene' an' his 1ingers tightene' on +y hips5 *%rling into the 1a-ri* o1 +y 'ress an' into the 1lesh -eneath) ?y han's were tre+-ling li2e lea.es in a long win' as # %n-%*2le' the -elt5 'rew it 1ree5 an' then rea*he' 1or the slip;*at*h o1 his pants) 0e hel' his -reath an' 'rew in his -elly as # opene' the top) 0is eyes *lose' -rie1ly as # t%gge' the ta- o1 his Cipper 'own) 0is pants 1ell aro%n' his

an2les an' he steppe' o%t o1 the+) 0is tight -o4er;-rie1s were tente' in 1ront5 an' we -oth -l%she' an' loo2e' away) 0e 2isse' +e5 p%shing +y han's to +y si'es) E?y t%rn5G he whispere') # no''e'5 an' now +y heart *rashe' wil'ly in +y *hest) # ha' a lot less 1or hi+ to ta2e o11) 0e sli' his han's %p +y -are ar+s5 lea.ing goose-%+ps in his wa2e) # hel' +y -reath as he pin*he' the Cipper p%ll in his 1ingers5 -it +y

lip as he 'rew it 'own agoniCingly slowly) whisper o1 1ingers against 1lesh5 an' then +y 'ress was pooling aro%n' +y 1eet5 lea.ing +e stan'ing -e1ore hi+ in +y -ra an' %n'erwear) 0e<' seen +e in a -i2ini -e1ore5 -%t this was 'i11erent so+ehow) E$o%<re -ea%ti1%l5 Nell)G 0is .oi*e was a h%s2y -reath in the silen*e) E/o are yo%)G 0e shoo2 his hea'5 gi.ing +e a lopsi'e' grin) 0is 1ingers s2ate' o.er +y sho%l'ers5 toying with

the -ra straps) 0is grin 1a'e' as # rea*he' %p -ehin' +e to %nhoo2 the -ra) 0e stoppe' +e5 his han's stilling +ine) E re yo% s%re7G 0is eyes sear*he' +ine5 ten'er an' hesitant) 0esitant) .oi*e in the -a*2 o1 +y hea' +%r+%re' 'o%-ts5 -%t # p%she' the+ away) # no''e') 0e -ro%ght +y han's aro%n' to rest on his sho%l'ers5 an' then too2 the -ra hoo2s in his han's) 0e 1%+-le' a -it5 an' his tong%e 'arte' o%t) # sti1le' a

la%gh against his sho%l'er) E/h%t %p5G he +%ttere') E#t<s not li2e #<.e e.er 'one this -e1ore)G E# 2now5G # sai') E#t<s *%te)G 0e growle' %n'er his -reath as he 1ree' one hoo25 then a se*on'5 +%+-ling a *%rse as the thir' an' 1inal hoo2 'e1ie' hi+) E#t<s not s%ppose' to -e *%te5G he sai'5 peering o.er +y sho%l'er to try an' see what he was 'oing) E#t<s s%ppose' to -e hot an' eroti* an' ro+anti*)G # giggle' again as he *%rse'5 1ighting the last hoo2 an' eyelet) "inally it *a+e 1ree an' then +y

la%ghter 1a'e'5 repla*e' -y ner.es an' 'esire) # 'i' want this) # was ner.o%s5 yes5 an' a1rai' a little5 yes) !%t # wante' it) There was no one else # *o%l' i+agine 'oing this with -%t :yle) The -ra Aoine' o%r *lothes on the 1loor5 an' then :yle steppe' -a*2 to loo2 at +e) # shi1te' +y weight 1ro+ 1oot to 1oot as he s*r%tiniCe' +e) # 2new he tho%ght # was -ea%ti1%l5 an' # wasn<t %n*o+1orta-le in +y own s2in %s%ally5 -%t his -latant per%sal o1 +y nearly na2e' -o'y was

'i11i*%lt to -ear gra*e1%lly) # -it +y lip as # s%++one' the *o%rage to 'o what *a+e ne4t9 :yle<s th%+-s hoo2e' in the elasti* o1 his -o4ers5 an' # +irrore' the a*tion) ETogether7G he sai') # no''e'5 +y .oi*e st%*2 in +y throat) 0e hesitate' a -eat5 then p%she' his -o4ers 'own to his 2nees an' steppe' o%t o1 the+) # 1roCe5 %na-le to +o.e5 paralyCe' -y the sight o1 hi+5 *o+pletely n%'e now)

#t was his t%rn to shi1t in 'is*o+1ort as # stare' at hi+) 0e was -ea%ti1%l) # ha' no real li1e e4perien*e to *o+pare it with5 -%t he was -ig5 'own there) 0e loo2e' nothing li2e the i+ages # ha' -%rne' into +y hea'5 than2 go') 0e was proportionate5 an' his pro%'5 tall +e+-er see+e' to -e*2on +e) 0is .oi*e 'istra*te' +e) E# tho%ght we were 'oing that together)G E/orry5G # sai') E# was going to5 -%t then # saw yo%5 an'JG #

*o%l'n<t 1inish) 0e li1te' his *hin5 rolle' his sho%l'ers5 1le4e' his 1ingers5 s%++oning his *on1i'en*e) 0e too2 a step towar's +e5 an' # 1or*e' +ysel1 to rela4) E0ow a-o%t yo% 'o it 1or +e5G # sai'5 sho*2e' a little -y +y own 'aring) E# li2e that i'ea)G 0is han's went 1or their 1a.orite spot5 A%st on the o%twar' -ell o1 +y hips) # was wearing la*y re' %n'erwear to +at*h the -ra5 an' :yle<s han's 'ri1te' o.er the top o1 +y

-%tt5 tra*ing the la*e5 1ollowing the line o1 the elasti*) # 1or*e' +ysel1 to -reathe as he p%she' the+ 'own to +y thighs5 1or*e' +y eyes open an' %p to his as he pal+e' +y -%tto*2s) # wiggle' +y hips an' thighs5 an' then the s*rap o1 la*e was on the 1loor an' we were na2e' together) ?y heart was a wil' 'r%+ in +y *hest5 in +y ears) # was tre+-ling 1ro+ hea' to toe5 1ear an' e4*ite+ent an' 'esire) 0is s2in was hot against +ine where his han's to%*he' +y -are hips5

+y ri-s5 his thigh against +ine) The tips o1 +y -reasts -r%she' his *hest5 sen'ing little thrills o1 lightning thro%gh +e) 0is pal+s ar*e' a*ross +y -a*25 then 'are' 'ownwar' to +y ass5 *%pping an' 2nea'ing5 a little too har'5 -%t # 'i'n<t +in') ?y han's +o.e' o1 their own a**or'5 pal+ing the 2nots o1 +%s*le on his -a*25 1ollowing the ri'ges an' ripples o1 his spine) 0e s%*2e' in a -reath as #

to%*he' his -a*2si'e5 +ar.eling at the *ool har'ness o1 it) # *%ppe' it as he ha' +ine5 then *lawe' +y 1ingernails lightly o.er the 1ir+ hal1glo-es) # 1elt so+ething twit*h against +y -elly as # to%*he' hi+) # loo2e' 'own -etween %s to see his ere*tion5 the tiny hole at the .ery tip lea2ing *lear 1l%i') Flan*ing %p at hi+5 # saw his eyes wi'en as +y han' 'el.e' 'own -etween %s5 an' then his -reath *a%ght when +y 1ingers to%*he'

hi+) EFo'5 Nell) $o% ha.e to let go6 it<s too soon)G # release' hi+ an' -r%she' +y pal+ a*ross his *hest5 then *%ppe' his nape an' 'rew hi+ 'own into a 2iss) The slow -%rn o1 o%r %s%al 2isses s+ol'ere'5 then -%rst into a -laCe) # 1o%n' +ysel1 presse' against his -o'y5 his har'ness against +y so1tness5 an' the 1ire -%rne' hotter with the 1eel o1 his +%s*%lar physi@%e 1l%sh against +e) 0e -a*2e' +e %p against the -e'

an' # *rawle' -a*2war'5 1eeling the po%n' o1 ner.es res%+e as :yle 1ollowe' +e) E re yo%JG :yle starte') # interr%pte' hi+) E$es) #<+ s%re) #<+ ner.o%s an' s*are'5 -%t # want it +ore than #<+ s*are')G # -it +y lip5 then a'+itte'5 E#<+ on -irth *ontrol) # got it a wee2 ago5 A%st in *ase)G :yle<s eyes wi'ene') E$o% 'i'7 (hy 'i'n<t yo% tell +e)G # shr%gge') E# 'on<t 2now) # A%st6it ne.er 1elt li2e the right ti+e) # was e+-arrasse'5 # g%ess)G

:yle sli' o11 the -e' an' '%g his wallet o%t o1 his s%it *oat5 with'rew two *on'o+s an' set the+ on the ta-le -esi'e the -e') E# got those)G E re you s%re7G # as2e' hi+) 0e see+e' ner.o%s5 now) E$eah5 #<+ s%re) Ni2e yo% sai'5 #<+ a little ner.o%s) # +ean5 # 'on<t want to h%rt yo%5 or 'o anything wrong)G E$o% won<t 'o anything wrong) $o% won<t h%rt +e) &%st6we<ll go slow5 o2ay7G 0e no''e'5 then rippe' open the *on'o+ an' rolle' it o.er

hi+sel1) 0e 2nelt o.er +e5 his han's on either si'e o1 +y 1a*e5 2nees -etween +ine5 eyes lo*2e' on +e5 sear*hing +e) # p%lle' hi+ towar' +e an' reste' +y han's on his -a*25 then leane' %p to 2iss hi+) The heat o1 the 2iss erase' -oth o1 o%r 1ears5 or ease' the+5 at least) 0e +o.e' into +e5 slowly) # 1elt stret*he'5 then a pin*h5 sharp an' @%i*2) # win*e'5 an' :yle 1roCe) 0is -reathing was ragge'

alrea'y5 an' # *o%l' 1eel tension in his +%s*les) # was -iting +y lip har' now5 1eeling the pri*2ing pain ease an' the won'er o1 1oreign 1%llness ta2e o.er) # to%*he' his -a*2si'e5 p%lle' hi+ against +e5 en*o%raging hi+ to +o.e) #t wasn<t long -e1ore he stille'5 groaning) There were no 1irewor2s5 no s*rea+ing5 no wil' sweaty thrashing5 -%t it was still a+aCing) :yle got %p5 'isappeare' into the -athroo+5 an' *a+e -a*2) # *ra'le' +y hea' against his

*hest) ?in%tes passe' in silen*e) 0is -o'y 1elt har' an' hot -eneath +e5 an' the 1eeling o1 -eing hel' -y hi+ this way5 na2e' s2in against na2e' s2in5 was al+ost -etter than what ha' gone -e1ore) # 1elt a tear tri*2le 'own +y *hee2 an' 'rip onto :yle<s *hest) # wasn<t s%re where the tear ha' *o+e 1ro+5 or what it +eant) # -lin2e'5 trying to 2eep -a*2 the others that threatene'5 not wanting :yle to thin2 # ha'n<t enAoye' it) E re yo% *rying7G :yle as2e')

# no''e'5 an' let the tears spill) E#t<s6#<+ not %pset or anything) &%st e+otional)G E3+otional how7G # shr%gge') E#t<s har' to e4plain) #<+ not a .irgin any+ore) (e *an<t go -a*25 now) Not that #<' want to ta2e it -a*25 -e*a%se it was a won'er1%l e4perien*e) !%t6it<s a -ig 'eal5 yo% 2now7G E$eah5 # 2now what yo% +ean)G # tilte' +y hea' %p to loo2 at hi+) E# lo.e yo%5 :yle)G E# lo.e yo% too)G The se*on' ti+e was in*re'i-le) # 1elt a 1ire -losso+ low in +y -elly5 a 1eeling li2e # +ight

e4plo'e5 or i+plo'e) #<' -ro%ght +ysel1 past that point on +y own5 o-.io%sly5 -%t this was 'i11erent) # won'ere' what it wo%l' -e li2e to -e -ro%ght to that point with :yle) Chapter 4: Proposal9 Tree "alls .ugust, Two 5ears 7ater #1 o%r parents 2new that :yle an' # were ha.ing 1re@%ent se45 they 'i'n<t say or 'o anything a-o%t it) (e were *are1%l o1 when an' where we 'i' it5 o1 *o%rse) :yle<s +o+ ha' starte' going to

a s*rap-oo2ing *l%- two or three e.enings a wee25 an' his 'a' was in (ashington +%*h o1 the year5 so we spent a lot o1 ti+e in his roo+) ?y +o+ was ho+e +ore 1re@%ently5 as was +y 'a'5 -%t they 'i'n<t see+ to *are how +%*h ti+e # spent with :yle at his ho%se) O1 *o%rse5 we *lai+e' to -e st%'ying5 'oing ho+ewor25 or wat*hing +o.ies +ost o1 the ti+e) (e did 'o those things5 A%st not as

+%*h as we le' +y parents to -elie.e) (e<' -oth t%rne' eighteen the pre.io%s wee2) O%r parents ha' 'e*i'e'5 instea' o1 gi.ing %s an e4tra.agant party5 they<' let %s go %p to :yle<s 1a+ily<s *a-in on the la2e %p north 1or the wee2en') (e<' -een petitioning 1or this all s%++er5 an' they<' hesitate'5 telling %s they<' thin2 a-o%t it) (e<' al+ost gi.en %p on the i'ea when o%r parents *alle' a +eeting with %s) E$o% g%ys are eighteen now5 an'

legally a'%lts5G :yle<s 'a' sai' -y way o1 intro'%*tion) E$o% two ha.e -een 'ating 1or what5 two years now7 (e 2now what this trip o1 yo%rs +eans5 an' we get it) (e were yo%ng on*e too)G 3.eryone shi1te' aw2war'ly at the i+pli*ation) E$es5 well)G :yle<s 'a' *leare' his throat an' *ontin%e' in his stentorian *ongress+an<s .oi*e) EThe point is5 we<.e 'e*i'e' to allow yo% to +a2e this trip together) Now) The har' part) # realiCe this is tri*2y an' %n*o+1orta-le

1or e.eryone5 -%t it +%st -e sai') $o%<re yo%ng a'%lts now5 an' *apa-le o1 +a2ing yo%r own 'e*isions) (e<.e raise' yo% well5 raise' yo% to -e s+art yo%ng people *apa-le o1 +a2ing goo' 'e*isions) # 2now we<.e spo2en a-o%t this -e1ore to ea*h o1 yo%5 as parents5 -%t # -elie.e it +%st -e sai' to yo% -oth together as a *o%ple)G E&%st say it5 Da'5G :yle sighe') E(e<.e spo2en o1 -eing *are1%l) O1 %sing prote*tion)G :yle an' # e4*hange' glan*es -%t 2ept silent) E# a+ a p%-li* 1ig%re5 as is

yo%r 1ather5 Nell) #t is i+perati.e that yo% ta2e this serio%sly) # cannot a11or' s*an'al at this point in +y *areer) There<s tal2 o1 no+inating +e 1or the presi'ential ra*e in two years5 an' # 2now # 'on<t nee' to re+in' yo% how i+portant i+age is in s%*h a sit%ation)G EDa'5 we<re *are1%l5G :yle sai') E# pro+ise) (e<re prote*te')G ?y parents were staring har' at +e5 so # 1elt the nee' to spea2 %p) E#<+ on -irth *ontrol5 o2ay7 # ha.e -een sin*e we6yo% 2now5 starte') n' we %se prote*tion)

No %nplanne' pregnan*ies here5 o2ay7 Can we stop tal2ing a-o%t this now5 please7G EFo'5 that wo%l' -e great5G :yle +%ttere') E0ow long has this -een going on7G +y 'a' as2e') :yle an' # e4*hange' glan*es again) E# 'on<t 2now i1 that<s i+portant or not5 sir5G :yle sai') EO1 *o%rse it<s i+portant5G Da' sai'5 his .oi*e gr%11 an' threatening5 1i4ing :yle with his sternest C3O;glare) E/he<s +y 'a%ghter) 0ow long7G

# was gla' # wasn<t on the re*ei.ing en' o1 that loo29 it was s*ary as hell) :yle li1te' his *hin an' s@%are' his sho%l'ers) E#<+ sorry5 ?r) 0awthorne5 -%t # really 1eel li2e that<s -etween Nell an' +e)G :yle stoo' %p5 an' # stoo' with hi+5 an' o1 *o%rse e.eryone else 1ollowe' s%it) :yle a''resse' +y 1ather on*e +ore) E# ha.en<t 'is*%sse' +y relationship with Nell with any o1 +y 1rien's5 an' with all '%e respe*t5 sir5 #<+ not going to 'is*%ss it with yo%) #t<s pri.ate)G

?y 1ather no''e' an' e4ten'e' his han' to :yle5 an' they shoo2) EFoo' answer5 son) # 'on<t li2e it5 -e*a%se that +eans it<s pro-a-ly -een going on longer than # *are to thin2 a-o%t) !%t # 'o respe*t yo% 1or 2eeping yo%r -%siness pri.ate) Prote*ting +y -a-y<s rep%tation an' all that)G :yle no''e') E# lo.e yo%r 'a%ghter5 sir) #<' ne.er 'o anything to h%rt her5 or e+-arrass her) Or yo% g%ys an' +y parents)G # threa'e' +y 1ingers thro%gh

:yle<s5 pro%' o1 hi+) ?y 'a' *o%l' -e inti+i'ating) #<' gone with Da' to wor2 a 1ew ti+es re*ently5 as # was planning on +aAoring in -%siness at /yra*%se5 an' #<' seen hi+ %se that sa+e har' glare an' gr%11 .oi*e on his e+ployees) #n.aria-ly5 the %n1ort%nate person on the re*ei.ing en' ha' -een @%a2ing in their -oots an' ha' 1airly trippe' o.er the+sel.es to 'o e4a*tly as +y 'a' as2e') Flan*ing at ?r) Calloway5 # *o%l' see he was

pro%' o1 :yle too 1or the way he<' han'le' the sit%ation) (e 'is*%sse' o%r plans -rie1ly5 an' then :yle an' # were 'is+isse' to pa*2) (hen we were alone in +y roo+5 :yle sl%+pe' -a*2 on +y -e'5 s*r%--ing his 1a*e with his han's) E0oly shit5 Nell) $o%r 'a' is s*ary)G # 2nelt astri'e hi+5 leaning 'own to 2iss hi+) E# 2now he is) #<.e seen grown;ass +en al+ost piss the+sel.es when Da' 'oes that)G # -it his *hin lightly) E#<+ pro%'

o1 yo%5 -a-y) $o% 'i' goo')G 0e *%ppe' +y -a*2si'e an' +o.e' +e against hi+) EDo # get a rewar'7G # la%ghe' an' +o.e' o11 o1 hi+) E(hen we get %p north)G (e pa*2e' @%i*2ly5 p%tting all o1 o%r things in one o1 :yle<s e4tra 1oot-all gear -ags) #t 1elt worl'ly an' a'%lt to -e pa*2ing together in one -ag5 +y things +i4e' with his) s we pa*2e' :yle<s things into the -ag5 # noti*e' hi+ 'ig so+ething o%t o1 his so*2 'rawer an' sho.e it into the hip po*2et o1 his

Aeans) #t was s+all5 whate.er it was5 an' # *o%l'n<t +a2e o%t the shape) # +et :yle<s eyes in@%isiti.ely5 -%t he A%st shr%gge' an' grinne' at +e) # 'i'n<t p%sh it) #<' ne.er 2nown :yle to lie to +e or 2eep anything 1ro+ +e5 so # wasn<t worrie') (e got in the *ar an' :yle 'ro.e while # sorte' the A%n2 o%t o1 +y wallet) # p%lle' o%t ol' re*eipts5 ti*2et st%-s 1ro+ *on*erts an' +o.ies5 hal1 a 'oCen gi1t /tar-%*2s an' Cari-o% gi1t *ar's either e+pty or with a 1ew *ents

le1t) # *a+e a*ross the note :yle ha' written +e o.er a year an' a hal1 ago) # rerea' it5 s+iling to +ysel1) #t see+e' li2e s%*h a long ti+e ago5 now) # re+e+-ere' the girl # was5 then5 an' how 1%ll o1 trepi'ation #<' -een) #n the year an' a 1ew +onths sin*e5 :yle an' # learne' ea*h other5 'is*o.ere' a won'erlan' o1 pleas%re in ea*h other) 0e<' learne' to -ring +e to that shi.ering e'ge an' p%sh +e -eyon') #<' learne' the Aoy1%l *o+1ort in lying in his ar+s

a1terwar'5 an' the 'rowsy 'r%g;li2e high o1 +a2ing lo.e in the sleepy a1ternoon on a s%++er /%n'ay in the s%n5 on a pi*ni* -lan2et high %p on o%r ri'ge -eneath o%r tree) :yle glan*e' o.er at +e an' grinne' when he saw what # was loo2ing at) E ren<t yo% gonna get ri' o1 that ol' thing7 #t<s e+-arrassingly sappy5 i1 # re+e+-er right)G # *l%t*he' the paper to +y *hest5 a loo2 o1 horror on +y 1a*e) E#<ll ne.er get ri' o1 it5 yo% *allo%s

-r%te) # lo.e it) #t<s *%te an' won'er1%l an' it +a2es +e s+ile)G 0e A%st shoo2 his hea' an' s+ile' at +e5 then t%rne' %p The .ett !rothers<5 E# an' No.e an' $o%G an' we hel' han's5 listening to the song we<' +a'e lo.e to +ore ti+es than # *o%l' *o%nt) (e loo2e' at ea*h other an' then away5 sharing +%t%al +e+ories o1 the things we<' 'one to that song) The *a-in was se.eral ho%rs away5 an' o1 *o%rse # en'e' %p 1alling asleep5 not wa2ing %p

%ntil :yle<s lips -r%she' +ine an' his .oi*e whispere' Ewe<re here5G in +y ear) :yle was leaning in +y *ar 'oor5 stro2ing +y *hee2 with the -a*2s o1 his 1ingers) # stret*he' lang%oro%sly5 en'ing with +y ar+s aro%n' :yle<s ne*2) E#<+ too sleepy to wal2) Carry +e)G :yle<s lips presse' 2isses along +y ne*2 as # stret*he'5 sen'ing +e into a paro4ys+ o1 giggles5 an' then he swept +e %p into his ar+s an' li1te' +e e11ortlessly o%t o1 the *ar an' %p the three steps

onto the *a-in por*h) E:eys are in +y po*2et5G he sai') # '%g in his po*2et5 p%lling his 2eys o%t an' sorting thro%gh the+ %ntil he in'i*ate' the *orre*t one) # %nlo*2e' the 'oor @%i*2ly5 still in :yle<s ar+s) 0e wasn<t showing any signs o1 strain e4*ept 1or tightening in his lips) 0e *arrie' +e o.er the threshol' an' in thro%gh li.ing roo+ stoppe' at the stairs to the se*on' 1loor) E0ol' tight5 -a-y5G he sai')

E(e<re going %p)G # 2i*2e' an' trie' to slip o%t o1 his ar+s) E$o%<re *raCy) $o% *an<t *arry +e %pstairsHG 0e let +e 'own5 -%t as soon as +y 1eet hit the stairs he leane' into +e5 pressing +e -a*2 into the stairs) # lan'e' on +y -%tt an' 2ept going5 p%lling hi+ 'own to +y +o%th) # lost +ysel1 in his 2isses5 then5 an' 1orgot a-o%t the step go%ging into +y -a*25 or the 1a*t that +y hair was *a%ght %n'er one sho%l'er against the ne4t stair)

Ne4t thing # 2new5 # was in his ar+s again an' we were +o.ing %p the stairs) # hear' the strain in his -reathing5 -%t he *arrie' +e %p into the +aster -e'roo+ an' lai' +e on the -e') 0e *rawle' on with +e5 p%shing +y shirt o.er +y hea'5 his pal+s st%ttering on +y ri-s5 pal+ing +y -reasts) # ar*he' into his to%*h an' 1%+-le' with the -%tton o1 his Aeans) (e *hristene' the hell o%t o1 that -e') s we lay in the a1terglow5 :yle<s 1ingers tra*ing patterns on

the e4panse o1 1lesh -etween +y -reasts5 he t%rne' to +eet +y gaCe5 a serio%s loo2 in his eyes) E0a.e yo% 'e*i'e' on *ollege7G (e<' -een 'is*%ssing it on an' o11 1or awhile now) (e<' -oth ta2en the / T an' CT an' ha' sent appli*ations o11 to a 'oCen *olleges an' %ni.ersities ea*h) (e<' tal2e' a-o%t where we wante' to go5 what we wante' to 'o) (hat we ha'n<t 'one was tal2 a-o%t whether we were going to go to the sa+e pla*e) O%r *on.ersations on the s%-Ae*t ha' a 2in' o1

%nstate' ass%+ptions that we<' stay together an' *hoose *olleges -ase' on so+ewhere we<' -oth go) # shr%gge'5 not li2ing the topi*) E# was thin2ing /yra*%se) ?ay-e !oston College) /o+ewhere on the east *oast5 # thin2) # want to +aAor in -%siness)G 0e 'i'n<t answer 1or a 1ew +o+ents5 whi*h # too2 to +ean he 'i'n<t li2e +y answer) E# got a**epte' to /tan1or') They o11ere' +e a h%ge s*holarship)G E"oot-all7G E$eah)G

That +%*h was o-.io%s) 0is gra'es were goo'5 -%t not s*holarship goo') 0e<' -een approa*he' -y se.eral 'i11erent %ni.ersities o.er the last 1ew +onths) 0e e4pe*te' +ore as o%r senior year wo%n' 'own5 tho%gh) E/tan1or' is in Cali1ornia)G ?y .oi*e was %nattra*ti.ely 1lat) E n' /yra*%se is in New $or2)G 0is han' stille' on +y s2in) E# 'i' get an o11er 1ro+ Penn /tate)G # no''e') E# g%ess the @%estion is5 are we +a2ing these 'e*isions together7 # +ean6what i1 yo%

'e*i'e /tan1or' is the -est pla*e 1or yo%5 an' # really want to go /yra*%se7G E# 'on<t 2now5G :yle sai'5 not @%ite sighing) EThat<s what #<.e -een won'ering) The o11er /tan1or' has on the ta-le is really enti*ing) Penn /tate is pretty goo'5 -%t /tan1or' is6 /tan1or')G 0e shr%gge'5 as i1 to say there si+ply wasn<t any *o+parison) Nong +in%tes passe') # wasn<t s%re what to say5 how to get %s past this) 3.ent%ally # sat %p) E# 'on<t want to tal2 a-o%t this any+ore) #<+ h%ngry)G

:yle sighe'5 as i1 the relie1 o1 lea.ing the 'is*%ssion asi'e was a weight o11 his sho%l'ers) (e 1ire' %p the grill an' ha' a lo.ely 'o+esti* +o+ent grilling -%rgers an' *orn on the *otogether) There was an %nopene' *ase o1 !%'weiser *ans in the pantry le1to.er 1ro+ a party hel' here o.er the s%++er5 an' we 'ran2 -eer together) Neither o1 %s were har' partiers) (e wo%l' go to o%r 1rien'<s get;togethers an' we<' ha.e a 'rin2 or two5 -%t we weren<t the

type to get o-literate') #<' only -een 'r%n2 on*e5 an' that ha' -een with :yle o.er this past s%++er) (e<' *on.in*e' !e**a<s *o%sin ?aria to -%y %s a 1i1th o1 &a*25 an' we<' ta2en it to the 'o*2 while o%r parents atten'e' so+e politi*al soiree) !eing 'r%n2 ha' -een 1%n %p %ntil the shots starte' *at*hing %p to +e) # en'e' %p p%2ing an' passing o%t on the 'o*2) :yle *arrie' +e to -e' an' wat*he' +e %ntil he was s%re # wasn<t going to *ho2e on +y own .o+it) 1ter

that5 # 'e*i'e' getting ha++ere' wasn<t +y thing) # ha' 1rien's who see+e' to li.e 1or the wee2en' parties5 1or getting 'r%n2 an' hoo2ing %p) # ha' :yle5 an' that was eno%gh) 1ter 'inner5 we -%ilt a 1ire in the 1irepit o%t -y the la2e an' went s2inny 'ipping on*e the s%n went 'own5 la%ghing an' *hasing ea*h other aro%n' the inlet) There was an islan' a-o%t a @%arter +ile o%t into the -ay5 a tiny -%+p o1 lan' with so+e s*r%-

pines an' -%shes a thin -ea*h) :yle an' # ha' -een swi++ing o%t to that islan' together sin*e we were 2i's) This ti+e5 we swa+ o%t an' +a'e lo.e on the san'5 lai' na2e' in the war+ late s%++er air wat*hing the stars twin2le an' shi++er5 tal2ing a-o%t nothing an' e.erything) Tal2ing a-o%t e.erything5 -%t a.oi'ing the hea.y topi* o1 the 1%t%re an' *olleges) #t was hea.y on +y heart5 -e*a%se so+ething

tol' +e we wo%l'n<t *o+e to an easy or pleasant 'e*ision) :yle was set on /tan1or') # *o%l' see it in his eyes5 hear it in his .oi*e) # really wante' to -e on the east *oast5 *lose to the 1inan*ial *enter o1 New $or2 City) The plan was to +aAor in -%siness 1inan*e an' get a 2iller internship in New $or25 then get a Ao- with Da'<s *o+pany5 -%t legiti+ately5 wor2ing +y way %p with no strings p%lle'5 no 1a.oritis+ showe') Da' really wante' to A%st -ring

+e into the -oar'roo+ as soon as # ha' +y 'egree5 -%t # was 'eter+ine' to 'o it on +y own) :yle was ha.ing a si+ilar pro-le+ with his parents) 0is 'a' wante' :yle to 1ollow in his 1ootsteps an' intern in (ashington5 p%ll so+e strings to get hi+ a l%sh politi*al gig) :yle wante' to stay in the athleti* worl') Play *ollege -all5 try to go pro5 an' -arring that5 get into *oa*hing) #t was a sore spot5 -%t :yle was li2e +e5 an' 'eter+ine' to 'o things his own

way) # 2new # wasn<t willing to as2 :yle to *o+pro+ise on his s*hool o1 *hoi*e 1or +e) # *o%l' get the 'egree # wante' at a lot o1 'i11erent *olleges5 an' # 2new -etween ?r) Calloway an' +y 'a'5 # *o%l' get strings p%lle' to get +e into any *ollege # wante') # lo.e' :yle eno%gh to shi1t +y plan) :yle was lo*2e' into a**epting the -est o11ers) 0e ha' a wealth o1 the+ *hoose 1ro+5 so # wasn<t worrie' a-o%t that as

+%*h) # sat -y the 1ire wrappe' in a towel5 wat*hing :yle i'ly str%+ a g%itar5 staring into +i''le 'istan*e5 2nowing # ha' to 'e*i'e) Di' # 1ollow :yle 1or lo.e7 Or 'i' # 1ollow +y plan 1or the 1%t%re7 Nittle 'i' # 2now5 that *hoi*e wo%l' soon -e strippe' away 1ro+ +e) QQQ /at%r'ay was a laCy 'ay spent on the pontoon -oat5 'rin2ing -eer an' eating san'wi*hes5 +a2ing lo.e an' listening to +%si* on

+y iPo') (e a.oi'e' hea.y *on.ersation an' A%st enAoye' ea*h other5 enAoye' the rippling -l%e o1 the la2e5 the pale e4panse o1 the *lear s2y5 an' the la*2 o1 e4pe*tations on ea*h other) !a*2 ho+e5 we were -oth *hase' -y the i+age o1 o%r parents) ?y 'a' was *onsi'ering r%nning 1or the +ayorship o1 o%r town) :yle espe*ially ha' to -e *are1%l o1 what he 'i'5 now) (ith his 1ather angling 1or a presi'ential no+ination5 e.ery 1a*et o1 the

Calloway 1a+ily was e4a+ine' on a reg%lar -asis -y the +e'ia) :yle an' # ha' to -e *are1%l not to -e *a%ght in any *o+pro+ising positions5 not to 'o or say anything to *ast 'o%-t on ?r) Calloway) 0ere5 %p north5 no s%*h e4pe*tations e4iste') #t was A%st %s) /%n'ay was stor+y5 so we spent the 'ay insi'e wat*hing +o.ies) (e went 1or an early 'inner to the only ni*e resta%rant within an ho%r<s 'ri.e5 a 1airly swan2 #talian pla*e where the

Calloways were well 2nown) :yle was greete' -y na+e an' gi.en a ta-le i++e'iately5 'espite the *row' o1 waiting .a*ationers) #t was another ni*e -%t slightly aw2war' 'inner5 with the *o+ing *on.ersation weighing on %s -oth) # 2new # ha' to sen' +y o11i*ial a**eptan*e to /yra*%se soon5 or ha.e o%r 'a's start p%lling strings to get +e into /tan1or' with :yle) Ti+e was r%nning o%t) (e<' p%t this o11 1or too

long5 to the *hagrin o1 -oth o1 o%r parents5 an' now the ti+e ha' *o+e) #t was %g%st5 an' the %ni.ersities were starting their a*a'e+i* year in /epte+-er) # opene' +y +o%th to -ring it %p se.eral ti+es5 -%t :yle always see+e' to hea' +e o115 as i1 he 2new what # was a-o%t to say) (e 'ro.e ho+e in a tense silen*e) :yle ha' his han' in the po*2et o1 his Do*2ers while he 'ro.e5 an' he 2ept glan*ing at +e5 a 'eep5 ins*r%ta-le e4pression on his

1a*e) (e p%lle' %p to the *a-in an' sat 1or a +o+ent5 wat*hing 1at 'rops o1 rain splatter on the win'shiel'5 listening to the win' howling o%tsi'e) The h%ge pine trees s%rro%n'ing the *a-in were -en'ing an' swaying in the win's5 whi*h were approa*hing gale 1or*e5 it see+e' to +e) # wat*he' with +y heart ha++ering as one tree in parti*%lar see+e' to -en'ing al+ost 'o%-le in the g%sts5 an' # 1o%n' +ysel1

tensing 1or the +o+ent when it wo%l' snap an' 1all) (ith the 'ire*tion the win' was -lowing5 i1 it 'i' -rea25 it wo%l' hit the ho%se an' the *ar we sat in) :yle loo2e' at +e5 an' # noti*e' -ea's o1 sweat on his 1a*e5 'espite the *oolness in the *ar) 0is han' grippe' the steering wheel an' s+oothe' the leather a*ross the top5 a gest%re he only +a'e when ner.o%s or %pset) # waite'5 2nowing he<' spea2 %p when he was rea'y)

0e glan*e' at +e again5 too2 a 'eep -reath5 an' with'rew his han' 1ro+ his po*2et) ?y heart po%n'e' in +y *hest realiCation 'awne' on +e) 8h god. 8h god. 0e was a-o%t to propose) No5 no) # wasn<t rea'y 1or that) 0e opene' his han'5 an' s%re eno%gh5 there was a -la*2 -o45 %ay &ewelers written in gol' threa' a*ross the top) # -it +y lip an' trie' not to hyper.entilate) E:yle7 #JG ENell5 # lo.e yo%)G 0is han' tre+-le' slightly as he opene'

the -o45 re.ealing a hal1;*arat prin*ess *%t 'ia+on' ring5 si+ple an' -ea%ti1%l) n' terri1ying) E# 'on<t want to spen' a +o+ent witho%t yo%) # 'on<t *are a-o%t *ollege or 1oot-all or anything) ll # *are a-o%t is yo%) (e *an 1ig%re o%t the 1%t%re together)G 0e with'rew the ring an' hel' it o%t to +e -etween th%+- an' 1ore1inger) Oain -latte' on the win'shiel'5 an' the win' howle' li2e a -anshee5 g%sting so har' the *ar ro*2e' on its s%spension) /hy now* # won'ere') /hy

here7 #n a *ar5 in a rainstor+7 Not in the resta%rant '%ring 'inner7 Not o%t at the 1irepit where we ha' so +any +e+ories7 ?y heart A%''ere' in +y *hest5 an' +y eyes st%ng5 sight wa.ering an' -l%rring) ?y lip h%rt an' # taste' the tang o1 -loo') # 1or*e' +ysel1 to release +y lip -e1ore # -it straight thro%gh it) ENell7 (ill yo% +arry +e7G :yle<s .oi*e -ro2e at the en') EOh+igo'5 :yle)G # *ho2e' o%t the wor's5 1or*e' the rest o%t) E#

lo.e yo%5 # 'o) !%t6now7 # 'on<t J# 'on<t 2now) # *an<t6we<re -arely eighteen) # lo.e yo%5 an' # was going to tell yo% #<' 1ollow yo% to /tan1or') Da' *an get +e in last +in%te6G # shoo2 +y hea' an' s*r%n*he' +y eyes *lose' against the *on1%se' h%rt in :yle<s eyes) E(ait6G he shoo2 his hea'5 with'rawing the ring slightly) E re yo% saying no7G E#t<s too soon5 :yle) #t<s not that # 'on<t lo.e yo%5 it<s A%st6G Do%-ts assaile' +e)

#<' ne.er 'ate' anyone else) #t wasn<t that # wante' to5 ne*essarily) !%t # 1elt so yo%ng5 so+eti+es) #<' ne.er -een away 1ro+ +y parents 1or +ore than a wee2) #<' ne.er le1t ho+e) This was the 1irst ti+e #<' gone so+ewhere witho%t the+) # wante' to e4perien*e li1e) # wante' to grow %p a -it) # wasn<t rea'y to -e +arrie') !%t # *o%l'n<t get any o1 this o%t o1 +y +o%th) ll # *o%l' 'o was sha2e +y hea' as tears 1ell5 +i+i*2ing the rain) # p%she' the

*ar 'oor open an' st%+-le' o%t5 ignoring :yle<s sho%ts to wait) # was 'ren*he' to the s2in in +o+ents5 -%t # 'i'n<t *are) # hear' :yle -ehin' +e5 *hasing +e) # wasn<t r%nning 1ro+ hi+5 -%t 1ro+ the sit%ation) # stoppe'5 high heels slipping an' 'igging into the wet gra.el) E# 'on<t %n'erstan'5 Nell)G 0is .oi*e was thi*2 an' ro%gh with e+otion5 -%t the rain on his 1a*e o-s*%re' his 1eat%res so # *o%l'n<t tell i1 he was *rying or not) E# tho%ght6# tho%ght this was the ne4t

step5 1or %s)G E#t is5 A%st not yet)G # wipe' +y 1a*e an' too2 a step towar' hi+) E# lo.e yo%) # really 'o) # lo.e yo% with all +y heart) !%t #<+ not rea'y to get engage') /ere not rea'y 1or that) (e<re A%st 2i's5 still) (e A%st gra'%ate' high s*hool a 1ew +onths ago)G E# 2now we<re yo%ng5 -%t6 yo%<re what # want) ll # want) (e *o%l' li.e in +arrie' ho%sing5 an'6-e together) 34perien*e e.erything together)G E(e *an still 'o that) (e *o%l'

get an apart+ent together) ?ay-e not right away5 -%t soon)G # t%rne' away5 1r%strate' with +y ina-ility to e4press why # wasn<t rea'y) E:yle6it<s A%st too soon) Can<t yo% see that7 # 'on<t want to -e apart either) #<ll go to /tan1or' with yo%) #<ll -e with yo% where.er yo% go) # will +arry yo%5 A%st not yet) Fi.e it a 1ew years) Net<s get thro%gh *ollege an' get *areers going) Frow %p a -it)G :yle was the one to t%rn away5 this ti+e) 0e -r%she' his pal+

o.er his wet hair5 sen'ing a spray o1 water 1lying) E$o% so%n' li2e o%r parents) $o% so%n' li2e yo%r 'a') # as2e' hi+ 1irst5 yo% 2now) That<s why they let %s *o+e %p here) 0e sai' he wasn<t s%re we were rea'y an' he tho%ght we nee'e' so+e ti+e to e4perien*e a -it +ore li1e5 -%t yo% were legally an a'%lt now an' i1 yo% sai' yes5 he ha' no pro-le+ with %s getting engage')G The rain let %p then5 -%t the win' -lew har'er than e.er) The trees aro%n' %s swaye' li2e stal2s o1

grass) 3.en o.er the harsh *ry o1 the win' # *o%l' hear the tr%n2s *rea2ing) strea2 o1 lightning lit %p the night s2y5 then another) Th%n'er *rashe' o.erhea'5 so lo%' # 1elt it in +y sto+a*h5 an' then the rain -lew o.er %s again5 *ol' an' stinging) E# lo.e yo%5 :yle)G # steppe' towar' hi+5 rea*hing 1or hi+) EPlease 'on<t -e +a' at +e) # A%stJG 0e t%rne' away 1ro+ +e5 pin*hing the -ri'ge o1 his nose) E# tho%ghtJ# tho%ght this was

what yo% wante')G ENet<s go insi'e now5 o2ay7 (e<ll tal2 a-o%t it insi'e) #t<s not sa1e o%t here)G # rea*he' 1or hi+ again5 -%t he p%lle' away) Nightning str%*2 again5 *loser this ti+e5 so *lose # 1elt the hair on +y ar+s stan' on en' an' taste' oCone5 1elt the *ra*2ling o1 energy all aro%n' +e) The trees *rea2e' an' -ent5 the win' g%sting har' eno%gh to -%11et the *ar an' sen' +e st%+-ling si'eways) # shoo2 +y hea' an' stal2e' past

:yle towar' the ho%se) E#<+ going insi'e) $o% *an stay o%t here an' -e %nreasona-le5 then)G # hear' a 'ea1ening crack5 then5 -%t it wasn<t lightning) #t was li2e a *annon -oo+ing5 li2e a 1irewor2 'etonating +ere 1eet away) ?y sto+a*h *h%rne'5 1ear -olting thro%gh +e) # 1roCe with +y 1oot on the 1irst step to the por*h5 loo2e' %p5 an' saw 'eath *o+ing 1or +e) The tree ha' snappe') Ti+e slowe' as the +a++oth pine 1ell towar' +e) # hear' the roo1

*r%n*hing an' gi.ing way5 hear' si'ing pop an' split5 hear' -ri*2s 'isintegrating) # *o%l'n<t +o.e) ll # *o%l' see was the -rown tr%n2 wet an' glinting -la*2 against the s2y5 the green nee'les 1l%ttering in the win') :yle sho%te' -ehin' +e5 -%t his wor's were lost in the win'5 in the haCe o1 terror) # was 1roCen) # 2new # nee'e' to +o.e5 -%t +y li+-s wo%l'n<t *ooperate) ll # *o%l' 'o was wat*h the tree 'es*en') # *o%l'n<t e.en s*rea+) # 1elt so+ething har' i+pa*t +e

1ro+ -ehin'5 an' # was thrown to the si'e) # hear' the *rash o1 the tree hitting gro%n') ?y ears rang5 +y -reath 2no*2e' o%t o1 +e5 lea.ing +e gasping) # was on +y si'e5 +y ar+ twiste' -eneath +e) Then pain shot thro%gh +e5 agony li2e lightning in +y ar+) #t was -ro2en5 # tho%ght) # 1loppe' to +y -a*25 letting a s*rea+ loose as the Aarring th%' sent another shar' o1 pain thro%gh +e) # loo2e' 'own at +y ar+ *ra'le' to +y *hest5 saw -loo' strea+ing in the rain5 re'

sli*2ing 'own +y 1lesh) The 1orear+ was -ent at an %nnat%ral angle5 a white spi2e protr%'ing 1ro+ the el-ow) # ha' to roll o.er again to .o+it at the sight o1 +y r%ine' ar+) Then awareness str%*2) %yle) # twiste' an' s*ra+-le' to +y 2nees5 ar+ *ra'le' against +y sto+a*h) nother s*rea+ reso%n'e'5 lo%' e.en o.er the win' an' th%n'er) The tree was a 1allen giant in the *learing) The ho%se was

*r%she'5 the right si'e o-literate' -y the tree tr%n2) :yle<s Ca+aro was *r%she' as well5 win'shiel' splintere'5 hoo' an' roo1 an' tr%n2 1lattene') The -ran*hes were li2e spi2es an' splinters pier*ing the earth5 green nee'les o-s*%ring the gro%n' an' the s2y an' worl' -eyon' the tree) # saw a shoe5 witho%t a 1oot) -la*2 'ress shoe) :yle<s shoe5 2no*2e' *lean o11 his 1oot) That i+age5 the -la*2 shoe5 leather wet 1ro+ the rain5 a s+ear o1 +%' on the toe5 wo%l' -e -%rne' into +y

+in' 1ore.er) :yle was -eneath the tree tr%n25 his legs s*ra--ling 1or p%r*hase in the +%' an' the gra.el) # s*rea+e' again5 not hearing +ysel1) # 1elt the s*rea+ in +y throat5 s*raping +y .o*al *hor's raw) # s*ra+-le' a*ross the gra.el 'ri.eway on +y han's an' 2nees5 agony lan*ing thro%gh +e as # %nhee'ingly %se' +y shattere' ar+ to 'rag +ysel1 towar' :yle) # rea*he' his 1eet5 'rape' +ysel1 o.er the tr%n2 -etween 1oot;thi*2

-ran*hes -ro2en into Aagge' spears) E:yle7 %yle7G # hear' the wor's5 his na+e5 'rop 1ro+ +y lips5 'esperate pleas) # saw his *hest +o.e5 saw his hea' twist5 loo2ing 1or +e) 0e was on his sto+a*h5 1a*e 'own) ?%' *a2e' his *hee2) !loo' 'rippe' 1ro+ his 1orehea'5 s+eare' aro%n' his nose an' +o%th) # p%lle' +ysel1 o.er the tree with +y one ar+5 str%ggling against the -ite o1 the -ar2 on +y -are 2nees5 1eeling

sap sti*2 to +y *al.es an' thighs) ?y 'ress *a%ght on a -ran*h an' rippe'5 -aring +y 1lesh to the angry s2y) # 1ell 1ree5 lan'e' on +y sho%l'er5 1elt so+ething snap 1%rther in +y ar+) Pain stole +y -reath5 le1t +e tre+-ling an' %na-le to e.en s*rea+) ?y eyes 1l%ttere' open5 +et :yle<s -rown gaCe) 0e -lin2e' slowly5 then s@%eeCe' his eyes sh%t as a pin2 strea+ o1 -loo' an' rain 'rippe' into his eye) 0is -reath was la-ore'5 whistling strangely) !loo'

tri*2le' 1ro+ the *orner o1 his +o%th) # twiste' +y torso5 trying to get +y weight o11 +y -ro2en ar+) Then # saw it) The tree ha'n<t A%st 1allen on hi+) -ran*h ha' spi2e' thro%gh hi+) nother s*rea+ rippe' thro%gh +e5 this ti+e 1a'ing into silen*e as +y .oi*e ga.e o%t) # rea*he' o%t an' -r%she' the rain 1ro+ his 1a*e5 the -loo' 1ro+ his *hee2 an' *hin) E:yle7G This was a whisper5 ragge' an' -arely

a%'i-le) ENell6# lo.e yo%)G E$o%<re gonna -e o2ay5 :yle) # lo.e yo%)G # 1or*e' +ysel1 to +y 1eet5 p%t +y sho%l'er to the tree an' p%she'5 p%lle') E#<+ gonna get yo% o%t) Fet yo% to a hospital) $o%<ll -e 1ine6)(e<re gonna go to /tan1or' together)G The tree shi1te'5 an' :yle groane' in pain) E/top5 Nell) /top)G ENo6no) # ha.e to6ha.e to get yo% o%t)G # p%she' again5 sli' in the +%' an' +y 1a*e -ashe' into the -ar2 o1 the tree)

# sl%+pe' to the gro%n' ne4t to :yle) # 1elt his han' sna2e thro%gh the +%' an' lat*h onto +ine) E$o% *an<t5 Nell) &%st6hol' +y han') # lo.e yo%)G 0is eyes sear*he' +y 1a*e5 as i1 +e+oriCing +y 1eat%res) E# lo.e yo% :yle) $o%<re gonna -e 1ine) (e<ll get +arrie'6 please6G The wor's trippe' o%t5 -ro2en -y so-s) # 1or*e' +ysel1 to +y 1eet) Oan st%+-ling to the *ar5 re' paint an' -la*2 ra*ing stripe -attere' an'

shattere'5 rea*he' in thro%gh the -ro2en win'ow 1or +y p%rse) shar' o1 glass *%t a long line o1 *ri+son a*ross +y ar+5 -%t # 'i'n<t 1eel it) # *l%t*he' the p%rse aw2war'ly against +y *hest with +y h%rt ar+5 '%g +y phone o%t 1ro+ +y p%rse5 1ranti*ally sli' +y 1inger a*ross the s*reen to %nlo*2 it5 nearly 'roppe' it as # p%n*he' the green an' white phone i*on) ?y p%rse 1ell 1orgotten to the +%') ENine;one;one5 what is yo%r e+ergen*y7G *al+ 1e+ale

.oi*e pier*e' +y sho*2) E tree 1ell6+y -oy1rien' is trappe' %n'er it) # thin2 he<s h%rt -a') # thin2 a -ran*h6please6 please *o+e an' help hi+)G # 'i'n<t re*ogniCe +y .oi*e5 the a-Ae*t terror an' in*oherent tone) E(hat is yo%r a''ress5 +iss7G # sp%n in pla*e) E# 'on<tJ# 'on<t 2now)G # 'i' 2now the a''ress5 -%t # *o%l'n<t s%++on it) ENine three 1o%r6G # *ho2e' on a so-5 1ell to the gro%n' ne4t to :yle5 gra.el -iting into +y 2nees an' -a*2si'e) E(hat is yo%r a''ress5 +iss7G The operator repeate' hersel1

*al+ly) ENine6three6)1o%r6one6 Oay-%rn6roa'5G :yle whispere') # repeate' the a''ress to the operator) E/o+eone will -e there as soon as possi-le5 +iss) Do yo% want +e to stay on the phone with yo%7G # *o%l'n<t answer) # 'roppe' the phone5 hear' her .oi*e repeat the @%estion) # stare' a-sently as rain pe--le' an' -ea'e' an' s+eare' the s*reen5 the re' Een' *allG -ar5 the white i*ons 1or I+%te<5

I2eypa'< an' e.erything else t%rning gray as the operator h%ng %p5 or the *all 'is*onne*te') # rea*he' 1or the phone again5 as i1 it *o%l' help :yle) # gra--e' it5 -%t with the wrong han') ?y 1ingers wo%l'n<t wor25 an' re' li@%i' +i4e' with rain on the 'ar2ene' s*reen5 trailing 'own +y 1orear+ an' tri*2ling 1ro+ +y 1ingers) # t%rne' to :yle) 0is eyes were glassy5 'istant) # too2 his han' in +ine) "ell 1orwar' into the +%' to lay 1a*e to 1a*e with hi+) EDon<t lea.e +e)G # -arely hear'

+y own .oi*e) E#6# 'on<t want to5G he whispere') E# lo.e yo%) # lo.e yo%)G Those were the only wor's he see+e' to 2now5 now) 0e repeate' the+ o.er an' o.er5 an' # sai' the+ -a*25 as i1 those three wor's *o%l' hol' hi+ here on earth5 hol' hi+ to li1e) # hear' 'istant sirens) :yle 'ragge' in a ragge' -reath5 s@%eeCe' +y han'5 -%t it was wea25 a 'istant to%*h) 0is eyes 1l%ttere'5 sear*he' 1or +e) E#<+ right here5 :yle) 0elp is

*o+ing) Don<t go) Don<t let go)G # so--e' as his eyes s2ittere' past +e as i1 he 'i'n<t see +e) # presse' +y lips to his5 tasting -loo') 0is lips were *ol') !%t he was in the rain5 so he<' -e *ol'5 right7 That<s all it was) 0e was A%st *ol') # 2isse' hi+ again) E:yle7 :iss +e -a*2) # nee' yo%) (a2e %p)G # 2isse' hi+ a thir' ti+e5 -%t his lips were *ol' an' still against +ine) E(a2e %p) (a2e %p) Please) (e ha.e to get +arrie') # lo.e yo%)G # 1elt han's li1t +e5 p%ll +e

away) 0ear' .oi*es saying so+ething to +e5 -%t the wor's were lost) /o+eone was s*rea+ing) ?e7 :yle was still5 too still) Only *ol'5 only 1roCen) Not gone) Not gone) No) !o. 0is han' was *%rle' as i1 hol'ing +ine5 -%t # was 1ar away5 gli'ing away5 *arrie' -y the win') !lown away -y the win') # 1elt nothing) No pain5 e.en when +y ar+ was Aostle' as # was lai' onto a stret*her) # saw :yle5 1ar away5 1arther now5 hear'

+ore .oi*es as2ing +e @%estions5 han'ling +y ar+ *are1%lly) Pain was li2e the th%n'er5 'istant now) Ni2e the rain5 *ol' an' 1orgotten) ( love you. # wasn<t s%re i1 the wor's were spo2en alo%') # 1elt a han' trying to pry +y 1ist open) # was *l%t*hing so+ething in +y %ninA%re' han') ro%n'5 +i''le;age' 1a*e ho.ere' in 1ront o1 +e5 spea2ing silent wor's5 +o%th +o.ing) ?y eyeli's sli' *lose'5 -lan2eting +e in 'ar2ness5 then light ret%rne' as # opene' the+ again) # 'rew a

-reath5 let it o%t) Then again) # won'ere' i'ly why # ha' to -reathe any+ore) :yle was gone) /o why -reathe7 /o+ething *ol' an' har' an' *lear was pla*e' o.er +y +o%th an' nose5 an' # was -reathing again anyway) # loo2e' at +y *lose' 1ist) (hat was # hol'ing7 # 'i'n<t 2now) # 1or*e' the 1ingers to 1all open5 re.ealing a sil.er -an' with a spar2ling 'ia+on') # trie' to p%t in on +y le1t han'5 where the ring sho%l' go) # wo%l' tell :yle

when they let +e o%t o1 the hospital) ( love you, yes, (ll marry you) !%t 1irst # ha.e to wear the ring) thi*2 han'5 -la*2 hair on the 2n%*2les5 too2 the ring 1ro+ +e an' sli' it onto +y thir' 1inger o1 the right han'5 the wrong han') /o+ething re' staine' the sil.er5 an' # wipe' +y han' on +y lap5 on the wet 'ress) There5 the re'ness was gone) 2in' 1a*e5 pale -l%e eyes set 'eep in a 1leshy 1a*e) ?o%th +o.ing5 -%t no so%n's) 0e hel' so+ething o%t to +e) phone)

?y phone7 # presse' the *ir*%lar -%tton with the s@%are sy+-ol) There was :yle5 so han'so+e5 his 1a*e presse' to +ine as we 2isse') ?y phone) # loo2e' 1ro+ the phone to the +an) Con1%se') The +an see+e' to want so+ething 1ro+ +e) 0e pointe' at the phone an' sai' so+ething) ?y ears poppe'5 an' so%n' ret%rne') E?iss7 #s there anyone yo% *an *all7G 0is .oi*e was 'eep an' throaty) # stare' at hi+) Call7 (ho 'i' #

ha.e to *all7 (hy7 ECan yo% hear +e7G E$;yes) # hear yo%)G ?y .oi*e was 1aint5 'istant5 slow) E(hat<s yo%r na+e5 sweetheart7G ?y na+e7 # stare' at hi+ again) 0e ha' a pi+ple on his 1orehea'5 re' an' angry an' nee'ing to -e poppe') ENell) ?y na+e is Nell 0awthorne)G ECan yo% *all yo%r parents5 Nell7G Oh) 0e wante' +e to *all +y parents) E(hy7G 0is 1a*e twiste'5 an' his eyes

sh%t slowly an' then opene'5 as i1 s%++oning *o%rage) EThere was an a**i'ent) Oe+e+-er7 $o%<re h%rt)G # loo2e' 'own at +y ar+5 whi*h was thro--ing 'istantly) Then to the +an again) E **i'ent7G ?y +in' span an' whirle'5 haCy an' 1ogge') E(here<s :yle7 # nee' to tell hi+ # lo.e hi+) # nee' to tell hi+ #<ll +arry hi+)G Then it all *a+e -a*2) The tree 1alling) ?e5 %na-le to +o.e) :yle5 his eyes t%rning .a*ant as # wat*he')

# hear' a s*rea+ an' a so-) The phone 1ell 1ro+ +y han's5 an' # hear' a .oi*e spea2ing 1ar away) Dar2ness swept o.er +e) ?y last tho%ght was that :yle was 'ea') :yle was 'ea') 0e sa.e' +e5 an' now he<s 'ea') /o-s e*hoe'5 e*hoe'5 wren*he' 1ro+ a r%ine' heart) Chapter 5: Ni@%i' 0eart-rea2 Two days later # swept the last lo*2 o1 hair -a*2 an' 1i4e' it into pla*e with the -o--y pin) # -arely re*ogniCe' +ysel1 in the +irror) # was pale5 ghost;white with 'ar2 ri+s %n'er

+y eyes) ?y eyes loo2e' -a*2 at +e 1ro+ the +irror5 pale -l%e li2e the s2y an' A%st as e+pty) ENell7G ?y +other<s .oi*e *a+e 1ro+ -ehin' +e5 so1t5 hesitant) 0er han' *lose' aro%n' +y ar+) # 'i'n<t p%ll away) E#t<s ti+e to go5 honey)G # -lin2e' har'5 -lin2e' -a*2 the nothing) # 1elt nothing) # 1elt no tears) # was e+pty insi'e5 -e*a%se e+pty was -etter than agony) # no''e' an' t%rne' on +y heel to sweep past +y +other5 ignoring the

-olt o1 pain when +y *ast -%+pe' the 'oor1ra+e) ?y 'a' was hol'ing the 1ront 'oor open5 eyes wat*hing +e *are1%lly5 as i1 # +ight e4plo'e5 or *r%+-le) 3ither was possi-le) !%t it wo%l'n<t happen5 -e*a%se yo% ha' to 1eel 1or that) n' # 'i'n<t 1eel) Nothing) Nothing) Nothing was -est) # 'es*en'e' the steps5 *li*2e' a*ross the -la*2top 'ri.eway to +y Da'<s -o4y ?er*e'es /MP) # sli' into the -a*2 seat5 'rew the -%*2le a*ross +y torso an'

waite' in the silen*e) # saw +y +other stop in the 'oorway 1a*ing +y 1ather5 wat*he' the+ e4*hange worrie' glan*es at +e) 1ter a +o+ent5 +y 'a' lo*2e' the 1ront 'oor an' they -oth got into the *ar) (e 'ro.e away in silen*e) ?y 1ather<s eyes +et +ine in the rear.iew +irror) EDo yo% want so+e +%si* on7G # shoo2 +y hea'5 -%t *o%l'n<t 1in' the .oi*e to spea2) 0e loo2e' away an' 2ept 'ri.ing) ?y +other twiste' in her seat to loo2

at +e5 opene' her +o%th to say so+ething) EDon<t5 Oa*hel5G Da' sai'5 to%*hing her ar+) E&%st lea.e her -e)G # +et +y 'a'<s eyes in the rear.iew +irror5 trie' to e4press +y gratit%'e silently5 with 'ea' eyes) Oain 1ell) /low5 thi*2 'rops thro%gh still5 war+ air) Nothing li2e the stor+ that stole :yle) Fray5 hea.y *lo%'s5 low in the s2y li2e a -ro2en *eiling) (et *e+ent5 glinting grass an' p%''les on the si'ewal2s)

# *l%t*he' a *r%+ple'5 1ol'e' pie*e o1 paper in +y han') The note) # ha' it +e+oriCe'5 now) #<' rea' it an' rerea' it so +any ti+es) The .iewing5 a s+all roo+ 1ille' with too +any people) # stoo' ne4t to the *as2et5 re1%sing to loo2 in) /too' ne4t to a taste1%lly; *reate' *ollage5 pi*t%res o1 :yle5 o1 %s together) /trangers in the pi*t%res5 # tho%ght5 seeing happy +e5 happy5 li.ing hi+) (or's spo2en5 e+pty *on'olen*es) 0an's s@%eeCing

+ine5 lips -r%shing +y *hee2) (eeping 1rien's) Co%sins) !e**a5 h%gging +e) &ason stan'ing in 1ront o1 +e5 not spea2ing5 not h%gging +e5 his o11ere' silen*e the -est thing he *o%l' ha.e gi.en +e) Then5 oh go'6?r) an' ?rs) Calloway5 stan'ing in 1ront o1 +e) They<.e -een here all the while5 -%t # *o%l'n<t see the+) Co%l'n<t -ear to +eet their eyes) !%t now they<re here5 han's *laspe' an' threa'e' -etween the+5 two sets o1 -rown eyes so +%*h li2e

:yle<s5 pinning +e5 sear*hing +e) # sai' little a-o%t what happene') There was a stor+5 a tree 1ell) :yle sa.e' +e) Nothing a-o%t the proposal5 the ring on +y 1inger5 the wrong 1inger) Nothing a-o%t the 1a*t that we were arg%ing) That it sho%l' ha.e -een +e) That i1 # ha' 'one6god5 so +any things 'i11erently5 their son wo%l' still -e ali.e) Nothing a-o%t his 'eath -eing +y 1a%lt) #1 # ha' sai' yes5 he wo%l' still

-e ali.e) (e<' ha.e gone %p to the -e'roo+) ?a'e lo.e) The tree wo%l' ha.e *rashe' thro%gh the ho%se5 -%t not near %s) # stare' into their eyes an' trie' to 1in' wor's) E#<+ so sorry)G #t was all # *o%l' say5 an' e.en that was -arely a%'i-le5 shattere' wor's 1alling li2e shar's 1ro+ +y tong%e) EOh Nell6+e too)G ?rs) Calloway wrappe' +e in a h%g5 -awle' onto +y sho%l'er) # stoo' sti115 the physi*al *onta*t too +%*h) # ha' to s%*2 in air thro%gh +y nose an' let it o%t

thro%gh +y +o%th into her straight -la*2 hair5 tre+-ling an' tense) # *o%l'n<t let +ysel1 1eel) #1 # 1elt5 # wo%l' -rea2) # 'on<t thin2 she %n'erstoo' that # was -egging her 1orgi.eness 1or 2illing her son) !%t those three wor's were all # *o%l' 're'ge %p o%t o1 +ysel1) 3.ent%ally her h%s-an' p%lle' her away an' t%*2e' her into his si'e while she sh%''ere') People *a+e an' went5 wor's were spo2en) "a*es passe' in

1ront o1 +e in a -l%r) # no''e' at ti+es5 +%+-le' things) &%st so they wo%l' 2now # wasn<t *atatoni*5 that # was physi*ally ali.e) # wasn<t5 tho%gh) # -reathe') ?y synapses 1ire'5 +y -loo' p%+pe' in a *ir*le) !%t # was 'ea'5 'ea' with :yle) Da' slippe' to +y si'e5 hel' +e in a one;ar+e' h%g) E#t<s ti+e5 Nell)G # 'i'n<t 2now what # was ti+e 1or) # pi.ote' in his e+-ra*e an' glan*e' %p at hi+5 -rows s*r%n*he')

0e saw the @%estion) ETo ha.e the ser.i*e) To *lose the *as2et an'6-%ry hi+)G # no''e') 0e p%lle' +e to a *hair an' # sat 'own) ?r) Calloway stoo' with his -a*2 to *as2et an' spo2e) # hear' his wor's5 -%t they +eant nothing) (or's a-o%t :yle5 a-o%t how won'er1%l he was5 how great he was5 how +%*h pro+ise he ha'5 *%t short) C%t short) Tr%e wor's5 -%t e+pty in the 1a*e o1 things) Nothing +attere') :yle was gone5 an' wor's +eant nothing)

?rs) Calloway *o%l'n<t say anything) &ason tal2e' a-o%t how :yle was s%*h a great 1rien'5 an' those wor's were tr%e5 too) Then it was +y t%rn) 3.eryone was loo2ing at +e) (aiting) # stoo' %p an' wal2e' to where e.eryone else ha' stoo'5 -ehin' a little po'i%+ with a 'is*onne*te' +i*rophone) # pi*2e' at the woo' with +y 1ingernails5 whi*h was painte' a 'ar2 pl%+ -y +y +other) # 2new5 then5 that # was *hange') The ol' Nell wo%l' ha.e 2nown what to say5 wo%l' ha.e 1o%n'

polite an' well;+eant wor's5 wo%l' ha.e spo2en a-o%t how in*re'i-le :yle was5 how lo.ing an' tho%ght1%l5 how we ha' a 1%t%re together) !%t none o1 that *a+e o%t5 -e*a%se # wasn<t that Nell any+ore) E# lo.e' :yle)G # stare' at the -lon'e woo' o1 the po'i%+5 -e*a%se the eyes o1 the people in the seats wo%l' ha.e pier*e' +y ar+or o1 n%+-ness5 wo%l' ha.e spi2e' thro%gh to the ri.er o1 +ag+a

'eep insi'e +e that was +y e+otions) E# lo.e' hi+ so +%*h) # still 'o5 -%t6he<s gone) # 'on<t 2now what else to say)G # p%lle' o11 the ring 1ro+ +y right han' an' hel' it %p) 1ew people gaspe') E0e as2e' +e to +arry hi+) # tol' hi+ we were too yo%ng) # tol' hi+6 # wo%l' go to Cali1ornia with hi+) 0e was going to go to /tan1or' an' play 1oot-all) !%t # sai' no5 not yet6an' now he<s gone)G # *o%l'n<t hol' it in any+ore5 -%t # ha' to) # *ho2e' the -rea2'own

-a*25 s%*2e' it in an' 1or*e' it 'own) # slippe' the ring -a*2 on +y right han' an' wal2e' o%t o1 the .iewing roo+ witho%t loo2ing into the *as2et) # 2new5 1ro+ when Fran'+a Calloway 'ie'5 that the thing in the *as2et wasn<t :yle) #t was a shell5 a h%s25 an e+pty *lay go%r') # 'i'n<t want to see that) # wante' to see :yle in +y +in' as the strong5 glorio%sly gorgeo%s 'onis5 the way his +%s*les +o.e' an' ripple'5 the way his han's

to%*he' +e an' the way his sweat +ingle' with +ine) The pro-le+ was5 all # *o%l' see when # *lose' +y eyes was that one shoe5 his eyes h%nting 1or +e as the li1e -le' o%t o1 hi+5 his han' *%rling aro%n' +y 1ingers an' then 1alling e+pty an' li+p as # was *arrie' away) # le1t the 1%neral ho+e5 -olting o%t a -a*2 e4it an' +a2ing a -eeline a*ross wet grass 1or a h%ge sprea'ing oa2 that stoo' -ehin' the -%il'ing) !y the ti+e # was leaning against the ro%gh -ar25

+y -la*2 'ress was soa2e' thro%gh an' sti*2ing to +y s2in) ?y hair h%ng in 'a+p strings past +y sho%l'ers) # sh%''ere'5 str%ggling to hol' it in) # -reathe'5 *ho2ing on +y tong%e as # trie' to literally -ite 'own on so-s) # t%rne' in pla*e an' presse' +y 1orehea' to the -ar25 *len*hing +y teeth an' panting5 whi+pering thro%gh +y lips) Not *rying5 not *rying) !e*a%se # *o%l'n<t) # *o%l'n<t let +ysel1) # 1elt a war+th 'es*en' o.er +y

sho%l'ers5 so1t sil2 o1 a s%it *oat) # p%she' away 1ro+ the tree an' t%rne' to see a pair o1 sapphirine eyes gaCing at +e5 st%nning5 pier*ing5 -reathta2ingly -l%e) The 1a*e was ha%nting5 1a+iliar5 *hisele' an' a*hingly -ea%ti1%l li2e :yle5 -%t +ore r%gge') Ol'er5 har'er) Oo%gher) Ness per1e*t5 less stat%es@%e) Nongish5 shaggy -la*2 hair5 +essy an' thi*2 an' l%stro%s an' ra.en;-la*2) Colton) :yle<s -rother5 ol'er -y a-o%t 1i.e years) # ha'n<t seen Colton in a long5

long ti+e) 0e le1t ho+e when :yle an' # were A%st 2i's5 an' he ha'n<t -een -a*2 sin*e) # wasn<t e.en s%re where he li.e'5 what he 'i') # 'i'n<t thin2 he got along with ?r) Calloway5 -%t # wasn<t s%re) Colton 'i'n<t say anything5 A%st settle' his s%it *oat o.er +y sho%l'ers an' leane' -a*2 against the tree tr%n25 white -%tton 'own soa2ing thro%gh to show his s2in5 an' the 'ar2 in2 o1 a tattoo on his ar+ an' sho%l'er) /o+ething tri-al5

+ay-e) # stare' at Colton5 an' he +et +y gaCe5 le.el an' *al+ -%t still 1ra%ght with %nspo2en pain) 0e %n'erstoo' +y nee' 1or silen*e) # 1elt so+ething har' in the insi'e po*2et5 st%*2 +y han' in an' with'rew a pa*2 o1 ?arl-oros an' a Rippo) Colton li1te' an eye-row5 ta2ing the+ 1ro+ +e) 0e 1lippe' open the top an' with'rew a *igarette5 1li*2e' the Rippo an' lit it) # wat*he'5 -e*a%se wat*hing 2ept the +ag+a at -ay) 0e p%t the 1ilter -etween his lips

an' s%*2e'5 an' # 1elt so+ething o'' happen insi'e +e as his *hee2s hollowe') 1eeling as i1 # 2new hi+5 altho%gh # 'i'n<t) s i1 #<' always wat*he' hi+ 'rag on a s+o2e an' -low it o%t slowly thro%gh p%rse' lips) s i1 #<' always loo2e' on in 'isappro.al5 -%t ne.er .oi*e' +y tho%ghts) E# 2now5 # 2now) These things<ll 2ill +e)G 0is .oi*e was ro%gh an' gra.elly an' 'eep5 -%t still +elo'i* so+ehow) E# 'i'n<t say anything)G That was the +ost #<' spo2en in o.er

1orty;eight ho%rs) E$o% 'on<t ha.e to) # *an see it in yo%r eyes) $o% 'isappro.e)G E# g%ess) /+o2ing is -a') ?ay-e it<s an inherite' 'isli2e)G # shr%gge') E#<.e ne.er 2nown anyone who s+o2es)G ENow yo% 'o5G Colton sai') E# 'on<t s+o2e +%*h) /o*ially5 %s%ally) Or when #<+ stresse')G EThis *o%nts as stress5 # thin2)G EThe 'eath o1 +y -a-y -rother7 $eah) This is a *hain;s+o2ing o**asion)G 0e spo2e the wor's *as%ally5 al+ost *allo%sly5 -%t # saw the *r%shing agony in his

eyes as he loo2e' away5 stare' at the glowing orange *herry o1 his *igarette) ECan # try7G 0e glan*e' at +e5 an eye-row li1te'5 silently as2ing i1 # was s%re) 0e hel' the white t%-e towar' +e5 the -otto+ pin*he' -etween two thi*2 1ingers) 0e ha' grease %n'er his 1inger nails5 an' the tips o1 his 1ingers were *all%se'5 the +ar2 o1 a g%itar player) # too2 the *igarette an' tentati.ely p%t it to +y lips5 hel'

it there 1or a +o+ent5 then s%*2e' in) # taste' harsh air5 so+ething li2e +int5 then # inhale') ?y l%ngs -%rne' an' proteste'5 an' # -lew it o%t5 *o%ghing) Colton la%ghe'5 a low *h%*2le) # got so 'iCCy # al+ost 1ell o.er) # p%t a pal+ to the tree tr%n2 to -alan*e +ysel1) Colton wrappe' a h%ge han' aro%n' +y el-ow) E"irst 'rag<ll +a2e yo% 'iCCy) 3.en now5 i1 it<s -een awhile #<ll get 'iCCy)G 0e too2 the *igarette -a*2 an' 'rew on it5 then -lew it

o%t o1 his nostrils) E&%st 'on<t get a''i*te'5 o2ay7 # 'on<t nee' that shit5 2nowing # got yo% hoo2e' on s+o2ing) #t<s a nasty ha-it) # sho%l' @%it)G 0e p%11e' again5 p%tting the lie to his wor's) 0e was sl%+pe' -a*2 against the tree5 h%n*he' o.er5 as i1 the weight o1 grie1 was too +%*h to stan' %p %n'er) # 2new the 1eeling) # too2 the *igarette 1ro+ his 1ingers5 ignoring the strange5 %nwel*o+e spar2 o1 1eeling that shot %p +y ar+ when +y 1ingers to%*he' his) # too2 a 'rag5 taste' the s+o2e5

-lew it o%t5 *o%ghe' again5 -%t less this ti+e) # 1elt the airiness in +y hea' sprea') # li2e' the 1eeling) # too2 another5 then han'e' it -a*2) # saw +y +other stan'ing in the 'oor #<' le1t thro%gh5 wat*hing) Colton 1ollowe' +y gaCe) E/hit) F%ess it<s ti+e to go)G ECan # ri'e with yo%7G 0e pa%se' in the a*t o1 p%shing away 1ro+ the tree) 0e stoo' o.er a 1oot taller than +e5 his sho%l'ers li2e a 1oot-all player<s pa's5 ar+s *or'e' thi*2) 0e was

h%ge5 # realiCe') :yle ha' -een lean an' tone') Colton was6 so+ething else) O-.io%sly power1%l) 0ar') Pri+al) EOi'e with +e7G 0e see+e' p%CCle' -y the re@%est) ETo the *e+etery) They<ll6want to tal2) s2 +e @%estions) # *an<t6# A%st *an<t)G 0e too2 one last 'rag then pin*he' the *herry o11 with his 1ingers an' steppe' on it5 st%11e' the -%tt in his po*2et) E/%re) Co+e on)G # 1ollowe' hi+ to a "or' ";250 with h%ge tires an' 'iesel e4ha%st pipes -ehin' the *a-) #t

was splattere' with +%' an' ha' a lo*2-o4 in the -e') 0e wal2e' ne4t to +e5 not to%*hing +e5 A%st there) # hear' +y +o+<s .oi*e in the 'istan*e5 -%t ignore' her) # *o%l'n<t han'le the @%estions # 2new she<' ha.e) Colton opene' the passenger 'oor5 o11ere' +e his han' an' li1te' +e %p) gain5 # 1elt an aw1%l5 power1%l lightning -olt o1 energy Cap thro%gh +e at his to%*h) F%ilt assaile' +e)

# passe' *lose to hi+ as # steppe' %p into the *a-) 0e s+elle' o1 *igarettes an' *ologne an' so+ething in'e1ina-le) # saw hi+ swallow har' an' loo2 away5 letting go o1 +y han' as soon as possi-le) 0e wipe' his pal+ on his pants leg5 as i1 to erase the +e+ory o1 a thrill 1ro+ to%*h) 0e was in the *a- ne4t to +e a +o+ent later5 twisting the 2ey to start the tr%*2 with a throaty r%+-le) The leather seats .i-rate' %n'er +y thighs5 not %npleasantly) # slippe' o%t o1 his *oat an' set it on the seat -etween %s) s the

tr%*2 starte'5 +%si* -lare' 1ro+ the spea2ers5 +ale an' 1e+ale .oi*es raise' in ha%nting har+ony: E6i1 # 'ie -e1ore # wa2e6# 2now +y so%l the Nor' won<t ta2e6 #<+ a 'ea' +an wal2ing6#<+ a 'ea' +an wal2ing6G /o+ething snappe' in +y *hest an' # ha' to *len*h +y teeth %ntil +y Aaw h%rt to 2eep 1ro+ *r%+-ling) E(hatJwho is this7G # as2e'5 the wor's raw an' raspe') EThe Ci.il (ars) The song is *alle' I!arton 0ollow)<G E#t<s a+aCing)G

E$o%<.e hear' thirty se*on's)G # shr%gge') E#t6spea2s to +e)G 0e to%*he' so+ething on the 'ash-oar' an' the song starte' 1ro+ the -eginning) # listene'5 rapt) The ne4t song gra--e' +e too5 an' Colton 'ro.e5 %nspea2ing5 letting +e listen) The -%rgeoning press%re in +y *hest lessene' with the power o1 the +%si*) ll the while5 # 1elt Colton<s presen*e in the tr%*2 li2e a hot spi2e o1 awareness) 0e 1ille' the 1o%r 'oor *a- %ntil # 1elt al+ost *la%stropho-i*) l+ost)

34*ept6his presen*e wasJ so+ehowJa -al+ on the open wo%n' o1 +y heart) This 1a*t alone was eno%gh to *a%se a ri.er o1 g%ilt) # sho%l'n<t 1eel this) /ho%l'n<t 1eel anything) There sho%l' -e no -al+5 no *o+1ort) # 'i'n<t 'eser.e it) There was an awning set %p o.er the open gra.e5 two rows o1 *hairs) The rain ha' t%rne' *ol') # shi.ere' as # steppe' 'own o%t o1 the *a-5 an' Colton was there again5 opening the 'oor an' e4ten'ing his han')

0e see+e' too ro%gh5 too -ig5 too har' aro%n' the e'ges to -e s%*h a gentle+an) 0e was a *ontra'i*tion) Frease %n'er his 1ingernails) 0an' har' an' *all%se'5 li2e gritty *on*rete %n'er +y so1t pal+ as # steppe' 'own 1ro+ the *a-) 0is eyes s2ittere' o.er +ine5 hel' on +e 1or a -rie1 +o+ent5 wa.ere' as i1 sear*hing5 as i1 +e+oriCing) 0is a'a+<s apple -o--e' as he swallowe') 0is eyes narrowe' an' he li*2e' his lips5 releasing +y han' a1ter hol'ing

it 1or a -eat too long) 0e s%*2e' in a 'eep -reath5 st%*2 his han' in his pants po*2et an' Aingle' his 2eys) ENet<s 'o this5G he sai' on a sigh) # 1ollowe' hi+) # 'i'n<t want to 'o this) # wante' to r%n away) # 'i'n<t want to wat*h the woo'en -o4 *ontaining the *orpse o1 +y 1irst lo.e lowere' into the gro%n') # nearly t%rne' an' ran) Then Colton stoppe'5 startling -l%e eyes pier*ing +e) 0e A%st no''e'5 a -rie1 'ip o1 his *hin5 -%t it was eno%gh to p%t one o1 +y 1eet

in 1ront o1 the other5 *arrying +e to the gra.e) 0e 2new +y tho%ghts5 it see+e') 0e 2new # wante' to r%n) !%t he *o%l'n<t 2now that5 sho%l'n<t 2now that) 0e 'i'n<t5 *o%l'n<t 2now +e) #<' +et hi+ twi*e in +y li1e) 0e was :yle<s ol'er -rother5 nothing +ore) # 1elt +y +other<s eyes on +e as # stoppe' at the 'ar2 *herrywoo' *as2et) # p%t +y 1ingers to +y lips to 2eep in the so%n's5 the e+otions) # 1elt +y 1ather<s eyes on +e) # 1elt ?r) an' ?rs) Calloway<s eyes on +e) 3.eryone<s eyes on

+e) # p%t +y han' to the *ol' woo'5 sin*e that see+e' to -e e4pe*te' o1 +e) # wante' nothing +ore than to *li+- into the -o4 with hi+ an' @%it -reathing5 1in' hi+ in whate.er *a+e a1ter li1e) # st%+-le' as # t%rne'5 high heel *at*hing in the grass) Colton<s han' shot o%t an' stea'ie' +e5 yet again) 3le*tri* to%*h5 ignore') 0e let go i++e'iately5 an' # sat 'own) prea*her or +inister in a -la*2 s%it with a -la*2 shirt an' the little white thing at his *ollar

stoo' o.er the gra.e5 intoning !i-le .erses an' rote wor's o1 s%ppose' *o+1ort) # *o%l'n<t -reathe) # was *ho2ing on the -ottle';%p e+otion) # ha' a 1lower in +y han' so+ehow5 an' the *as2et was -eing lowere' into the aw1%l -la*2 *has+) # stoo' o.er the hole an' tosse' in the 1lower5 as e4pe*te') E(m sorry5G # whispere') No one hear'5 -%t it wasn<t 1or anyone -%t :yle anyway) EFoo'-ye5 :yle) # lo.e yo%)G # t%rne'5 then5 an' ran) :i*2e'

o11 the heels an' ran -are1oot thro%gh the grass5 a*ross the gra.el par2ing lot5 ignoring the .oi*es *alling +e) The *e+etery was only a 1ew +iles away 1ro+ +y parent<s ho%se5 1ro+ ho+e5 1ro+ :yle<s ho%se) # 1ollowe' the 'irt roa'5 ignoring the sta--ing pain when ro*2s '%g into +y 1eet) # wel*o+e' the pain5 the physi*al pain) # A%st ran) Oan) O11;-alan*e with one ar+ in a *ast) 3a*h step Aostle' +y -ro2en ar+5 a''ing to +y pain) # t%rne'

on the *orre*t street an' ran so+e +ore) # hear' a *ar p%ll %p ne4t to +e5 hear' +y 1ather<s .oi*e plea'ing with +e) Oain pelte' on +y hea'5 still the rain5 always the rain5 nonstop rain sin*e the 'ay he 'ie') # ignore' +y 'a'5 shoo2 +y hea'5 wet hair slapping +y *hin) # thin2 # was *rying5 -%t the rain +ingle' with the hot salt) nother *ar5 another .oi*e5 ignore') O%n5 r%n5 r%nning) Dress wet against +y s2in5 *linging5

1lapping against +y thighs) "eet a*hing5 -%rning5 sta--ing) r+ e4*r%*iating5 Aolte' with e.ery step) Then 1ootsteps ta2ing spa*e; eating stri'es5 rhyth+i*5 %nh%rrie'5 the pa*e o1 a r%nner) # 2new who it wo%l' -e) 0e 'i'n<t try to 2eep %p5 an' # trie' to preten'5 A%st 1or a +o+ent5 that it was :yle -ehin' +e5 letting +e r%n ahea' so he *o%l' stare at +y ass) That tho%ght5 that i+age5 that +e+ory o1 :yle<s easy lope -ehin' +e ha' +e

str%ggling 1or -reath5 1ighting against the swell o1 tears) # ran har'er5 an' his stri'e -ehin' +e in*rease') # shoo2 +y hea'5 hair slapping into +y +o%th5 wet) 1ter a 1ew +ore stri'es5 he was ne4t to +e5 shirt wet an' transparent5 tie gone5 -%ttons open to +i';*hest) 0e 2ept pa*e with +e easily) 0e 'i'n<t spea25 'i'n<t e.en loo2 at +e) &%st ran ne4t to +e) O%r -reathing -egan to syn*5 h%11ing in two steps5 h%11ing o%t two steps5 a too;1a+iliar rhyth+)

+ile 1ro+ ho+e5 # steppe' on a large ro*2 in the roa' an' twiste' +y an2le5 1lying 1orwar') !e1ore # *o%l' hit the gro%n'5 # was in Colton<s ar+s) 0e slowe' to a wal2 with +e in a 1ire+an<s *arry5 one ar+ -eneath +y 2nees5 the other aro%n' +y sho%l'ers) 0e was -reathing har'5 an' there was a hit*h in his step) E# *an wal25G # sai') Colton stoppe' an' let +e 'own) s soon as # p%t weight on +y an2le5 howe.er5 it ga.e o%t an' # ha' to hop to stay %pright) ENet +e *arry yo%5G Colton sai')

ENo)G # grippe' his -i*ep in +y han'5 gritting +y teeth an' ta2ing a step) #t h%rt5 -%t # *o%l' 'o it) # wo%l' not -e *arrie') There wo%l' -e too +any @%estions i1 # showe' %p at ho+e in Colton<s ar+s) There wo%l' alrea'y -e a -arrage5 # 2new) The real reason5 tho%gh5 was -e*a%se it ha' 1elt too right5 nestle' in his ar+s) Too *o+1orting) Too nat%ral) Too +%*h li2e ho+e) F%ilt assaile' +e on*e +ore5 an' # intentionally p%t too +%*h weight on +y twiste' an2le5

sen'ing pain thro--ing thro%gh +y leg) The pain was goo') #t 'istra*te' +e) Fa.e +e a reason to whi+per past *len*he' teeth an' -r%sh away the tear) # was *rying 1ro+ the pain in +y an2le5 an' that wo%l' pass) # wo%l'n<t *ry 1ro+ the pain in +y heart5 -e*a%se that wo%l'n<t 1a'e) #t only grew hea.ier an' har'er an' sharper with e.ery passing +in%te5 ho%r5 'ay) # st%+-le'5 an' Colton<s han' stea'ie' +e) E t least lean on

+e5 Nell5G he sai') EDon<t -e st%--orn)G # stoppe'5 1oot li1te' slightly) 0esitating) Consi'ering) ENo)G # shoo2 his han' o115 lowere' +y 1oot an' too2 a nat%ral step) No li+ping5 no ho--ling) #t h%rt so -a' # *o%l'n<t -reathe5 an' that was goo') #t p%she' away the g%ilt) P%she' away the h%rt in +y so%l) P%she' away the wa2ing night+are5 the 2nowle'ge that :yle was gone 1ore.er) Fone) Dea') Nost)

:ille'5 sa.ing +e) # too2 another step an' let the agony wash thro%gh +e) # '%*2e' +y hea' so +y hair 1ell aro%n' +y 1a*e5 o-s*%ring +y .ision to either si'e) # hear' Colton<s step -esi'e +e5 hear' his -reathing5 s+elle' the a*ri'5 1a'e' s*ent o1 *igarette s+o2e an' the 1ainter *ologne an' the ripe sweat o1 e4ertion) ?an s+ell) Mni@%ely Colton5 an' entirely too *o+1orting5 all too 1a+iliar) #t too2 a long5 long ti+e to wal2

the +ile ho+e5 an' +y an2le was swollen5 thro--ing5 lan*es o1 pain ro*2eting %p +y leg an' into +y hip) # p%she' open the 1ront 'oor5 ignore' +y parents in the 'en5 who shot to their 1eet an' *alle' +y na+e) Colton ha' 1ollowe' +e in) E/he twiste' her an2le5G he tol' the+) E# thin2 it<s spraine')G EThan2 yo% 1or going with her5G Da' sai') # hear' the s%spi*ion in his .oi*e as # listene' 1ro+ the top o1 the stairs) ENo pro-le+)G # hear' Colton<s 1oot s@%ea2 on the +ar-le5 then

the 'oor open) E#<+ sorry 1or yo%r loss5 Colton)G ?y +o+<s .oi*e) E$eah)G That was it 1ro+ hi+5 A%st that one wor'5 an' then the 'oor *lose' an' he was gone) # ho--le' into +y roo+5 letting +ysel1 li+p now that # was alone) # sh%t +y 'oor an' strippe' o11 +y 'ress5 +y rain;soa2e' panties5 wrappe' plasti* aro%n' +y *ast an' steppe' into the shower) 0ot water5 s*al'ing on +y lower -a*25 s*o%ring away the pain5 -%t not the g%ilt) (hen the water ran l%2ewar+5 #

steppe' o%t5 towele' o115 wrappe' +ysel1 in +y ro-e an' *%rle' on +y -e' %n'er a pile o1 -lan2ets) The silen*e in +y roo+ was pro1o%n') # *lose' +y eyes an' saw :yle5 *r%she' %n'er the tree5 spi2e' thro%gh5 -lee'ing5 -reath whistling) # hear' his .oi*e whispering E# lo.e yo%6# lo.e yo%6G o.er an' o.er again5 %ntil he ha' no +ore -reath an' the sirens in the 'istan*e haile' his passing) # hear' +y 'oor open5 1elt the

-e' 'ip as ?o+ sat 'own ne4t to +e) # s@%eeCe' +y eyes sh%t5 1elt so+ething hot an' wet tri*2le 'own +y *hee2) #t wasn<t a tear) # wo%l'n<t *ry) Co%l'n<t) To let it go wo%l' -e to open +y so%l) #t wo%l' ne.er stop) # wo%l' -rea26A%st shatter) The li@%i' on +y *hee2 was -loo'5 s%rging o%t 1ro+ +y rippe' an' tattere' heart) ENell6sweetheart)G ?o+<s .oi*e was so1t5 tentati.e) # 1elt her shi1t the -lan2ets an' pro-e +y an2le with a 1inger) EOh go'5

Nell) $o% nee' to see a 'o*tor) $o%r an2le is swollen an' p%rple)G # shoo2 +y hea') E&%st wrap it) #*e it) #t<s not -ro2en)G /he sighe'5 sat silent 1or a long +in%te5 then *a+e -a*2 with an i*e pa*2 an' an C3 -an'age) (hen # was i*e' an' wrappe'5 she sat 'own again) E# 'i'n<t 2now yo% 2new Colton)G E# 'on<t)G E$o% were s+o2ing)G # 'i'n<t answer) # ha' no reason or e4*%se to gi.e her) ETal2 to +e5 -a-y)G

# shoo2 +y hea') E n' say what7G # p%lle' the -lan2et o.er +y hea') ?o+ t%gge' it 'own an' -r%she' +y 'a+p hair o%t o1 +y eye) E# *an<t say it will stop h%rting) #t<ll A%st get easier to 'eal with it)G 0er ol'er -rother ha' 'ie' in a *ar a**i'ent when ?o+ was in *ollege) /he still got *ho2e' %p when she tal2e' a-o%t hi+) They ha' -een .ery *lose5 # thin2) E# 'on<t want it to get easier)G E(hy7G /he too2 the -r%sh 1ro+ +y nightstan' an' t%gge' on +e %ntil # sat %p) /he -r%she' +y

hair with long5 s+ooth stro2es5 re+in'ing +e o1 when # was a girl) /he wo%l' sing to +e an' -r%sh +y hair -e1ore -e') E!e*a%se i1 it gets easier6#<ll 1orget hi+)G # still ha' the note *l%t*he' in +y *ast;*la' han') # too2 in in +y 1ree han' an' opene' it5 rea' it) The paper was 'a+p5 the -l%e in2 1a'e' -%t still legi-le) # hear' ?o+ sigh5 so+ething li2e a so-) EOh5 honey) No) # pro+ise yo%5 yo%<ll ne.er 1orget hi+) !%t yo% ha.e to let yo%rsel1 heal)

#t<s not a -etrayal o1 his +e+ory to let go o1 the pain) 0e wo%l' want yo% to -e o2ay)G # strangle' on so+ething thi*2 an' hot in +y throat) # ha' tho%ght e4a*tly that) #1 # stoppe' re+e+-ering5 i1 # trie' to let go o1 the pain5 it wo%l' -e a -etrayal o1 hi+) O1 %s) E#t<s not yo%r 1a%lt5 Nell)G # sh%''ere'5 an' +y -reath 1aile' +e) E/ing to +e7 Ni2e yo% %se' to7G # ha' to 'istra*t her) # *o%l'n<t tell her how it was +y 1a%lt) /he wo%l' A%st try to *on.in*e +e it wasn<t)

/he sighe'5 as i1 seeing thro%gh +y ta*ti*) /he too2 a -reath5 stro2ing +y hair with the -r%sh5 an' sang) /he sang EDanny<s /ongG -y :enny Noggins) #t was her 1a.orite song5 an' # 2new all the wor's 1ro+ ha.ing listene' to her sing it to +e at night all growing %p) (hen the last note @%a.ere' 1ro+ her throat5 # sh%''ere' again5 1eeling +ore heart;-loo' lea2 o%t 1ro+ +y eye) # 'i'n<t wipe it away5 A%st let it slip into +y lips5 'own +y *hin)

?o+ set the -r%sh 'own an' stoo' %p) E/leep5 Nell)G # no''e' an' lay 'own) 3.ent%ally # slept5 an' 'rea+e') 0a%nte' 'rea+s5 tort%re' 'rea+s) :yle<s eyes on +e5 'ying9 Colton<s eyes on +e5 2nowing) # rea' the note again5 se.en ti+es) Oe*ite' the wor's %n'er +y -reath li2e a poe+) # wo2e %p an' *lo*2 rea' 3:38 a)+) # *o%l'n<t -reathe 1ro+ the press%re o1 grie1) The walls o1 +y roo+ *lose' in aro%n' +e5 presse' in on +y s2%ll) # too2 o11

the +elte' -ag o1 i*e an' rewrappe' +y an2le5 then p%t on +y 1a.orite loose sweatpants an' a hoo'ie) :yle<s hoo'ie) #t s+elle' o1 hi+5 an' that only +a'e the press%re on +y *hest worse5 -%t the s+ell *o+1orte' +e as well) #t pier*e' thro%gh the n%+-ness an' to%*he' +y heart5 pin*he' it with hot 1ingers) # 'es*en'e' @%ietly5 slowly5 aw2war'ly5 not a-le to %se +y 1oot +%*h) O%t the -a*2'oor5 'own the steps5 onto the *o--lestone

path lea'ing to the 'o*2) K%iet g%itar strains 1loate' to +e 1ro+ the Calloway<s 'o*2) # 2new who it was) The grass was wet with 'ew an' ol' rain %n'er 1oot5 *ol'5 -ra*ing) The night air was thin an' *ool5 s2y a -la*2 -lan2et strewn with sil.er) ?y -are 1eet were silent on the s+ooth;worn woo' o1 the 'o*2) The g%itar *hor's 'i'n<t 1alter5 -%t # 2new he 2new it was +e) 0e was leaning -a*2 in an 'iron'a*2 *hair5 1eet stret*he' o%t in 1ront o1 hi+5 g%itar hel' on his

sto+a*h) -ottle o1 li@%or sat ne4t to hi+) E$o% sho%l' ha.e shoes on5G he sai'5 pi*2ing a slow5 lilting +elo'y) # 'i'n<t answer) se*on' *hair sat a 1ew 1eet away 1ro+ Colton<s5 an' he hel' the g%itar -y the ne*2 as he rea*he' o%t to 'rag the *hair *loser) # ease' into it5 aware o1 his tension5 his han' waiting to rea*h o%t help +e) E0ow<s the 1oot7G 0e li1te' the -ottle to his lips5 too2 a long sip5 then han'e' it to +e)

E0%rts)G # too2 a hesitant sip) (his2ey -%rne' +y throat) EOh+igo'5 what is that7G # hisse'5 rasping an' *o%ghing) Colton *h%*2le') E&a+eson #rish (his2ey5 -a-y) The -est whis2ey there is)G 0e rea*he' 'own to the other si'e o1 the *hair5 an' han'e' +e a -eer) E0ere) Chase it with that)G # too2 it an' *ra*2e' the ta-5 sippe') ETrying to get +e 'r%n27G 0e shr%gge') E$o% *an always say no)G EDoes it help7G # as2e')

0e sippe' 1ro+ his own -eer) E# 'on<t 2now) #<+ not 'r%n2 eno%gh yet)G 0e too2 another shot 1ro+ the &a+eson) E#<ll let yo% 2now)G E?ay-e #<ll 1in' o%t on +y own)G E?ay-e yo% will) &%st 'on<t tell o%r parents yo% got the al*ohol 1ro+ +e) $o%<re %n'erage)G E(hat al*ohol7G # too2 another 1iery sl%g 1ro+ the whis2ey) # 1elt lighthea'e'5 loose) The press%re o1 g%ilt an' grie1 'i'n<t 'issipate5 -%t it 'i' see+ to -e p%she' to the -a*2 -y the weight o1 the whis2ey)

E#1 yo% 'on<t 'rin2 +%*h5 #<' hol' o11 on any+ore) #t ten's to snea2 %p on yo%)G # han'e' the -ottle -a*2 an' *l%t*he' the *ol' -eer *an in +y 1ist) E0ow 'o yo% 2now #<+ not a har' 'rin2er7G Colton la%ghe' openly) E(ell5 # g%ess # 'on<t 2now 1or s%re) !%t yo%<re not)G E0ow *an yo% tell7G E$o%<re a goo' girl) :yle wo%l'n<t ha.e 'ate' a party girl)G 0e li1te' his hips %p an' '%g in his Aeans po*2et 1or his s+o2es an'

lighter) E!esi'es5 yo%r rea*tion when yo% too2 the 1irst shot tol' +e eno%gh)G E$o%<re right) #<+ not a 'rin2er) :yle an' # got ha++ere' on*e) #t was aw1%l)G E#t *an -e 1%n i1 yo% 'o it right) !%t hango.ers always s%*2)G 0e -lew a pl%+e o1 gray5 'issipating into the starry s2y) (e sat in silen*e 1or awhile5 an' Colton 2ept 'rin2ing) # let the -%CC roll o.er +e5 helpe' it along with a se*on' -eer) E$o% *an<t hol' it in 1ore.er5G

Colton sai'5 apropos o1 nothing) E$es # *an)G # ha' to) E$o%<ll go *raCy) #t<ll *o+e o%t5 one way or another)G E!etter *raCy than -ro2en)G # wasn<t s%re where that *a+e 1ro+5 ha'n<t tho%ght it or +eant to say it) E$o%<re not -ro2en) $o%<re h%rting)G 0e stoo' %p %nstea'ily an' strolle' to the e'ge o1 the 'o*2) # hear' a Cipper5 then the so%n' o1 %rination) # -l%she' in the 'ar2ness) EDi' yo% really ha.e to 'o that right in

1ront o1 +e7G # as2e'5 .oi*e tre+oring with irritation an' la%ghter) 0e Cippe' %p an' t%rne' to 1a*e +e5 swaying in pla*e) E/orry) F%ess that was 2in'a r%'e5 h%h7 # wasn<t thin2ing)G EDa+n right it was r%'e)G E# sai' #<+ sorry) Di'n<t ta2e yo% 1or the s@%ea+ish type5 tho%gh)G E#<+ not s@%ea+ish) # A%st ha.e to pee too5 an' # *an<t 'o it li2e yo% 'i'5 right o11 the 'o*2)G 0e *h%*2le') EOh6well))# 'on<t 2now what to tell yo%) $o% *o%l' try s@%atting o11 the e'ge7G

# snorte') E/shh;yeah) That<' wor2 real well) #<' either 1all in or pee on +y an2les) Pro-a-ly -oth)G E# wo%l'n<t let yo% 1all in)G E# 'on<t 'o%-t that)G # le.ere' +ysel1 to an %pright position5 str%ggling to 1in' +y -alan*e witho%t p%tting too +%*h weight on +y an2le)) Colton<s han' settle' on +y sho%l'er5 stea'ying +e) EFoing %p7G Colton as2e') # no''e') ECo+ing -a*27G # shr%gge') EPro-a-ly) # *o%l'n<t sleep any +ore i1 # trie')G Colton le1t +y si'e to s*rew the

*ap on the -ottle o1 &a+eson) # waite' %ntil he was ne4t to +e again5 an' then we +a'e o%r way %p the path) (hen # starte' to .eer le1t towar' +y ho%se5 Colton t%gge' on +y ar+) E?o+ an' Da' ha.e a -athroo+ in the -ase+ent) #t<s a wal2o%t5 so yo% wo%l'n<t ha.e to go %p any stairs)G # 2new this 1ro+ years spent sh%ttling -etween +y ho%se an' :yle<s5 -%t # 'i'n<t say so) 0e went in ahea' o1 +e5 t%rning on lights) (aite' 1or +e o%tsi'e5 an' helpe' +e -a*2 'own to the

'o*25 o11ering a silent5 sta-iliCing presen*e when +y 1eet slippe' in the wet grass) (e settle' -a*2 into o%r *hairs5 an' he pi*2e' his g%itar %p5 str%++e' a 1ew *hor's5 then -egan a play a song) # 2new the song within a 1ew *hor's: EOe+in'erG -y ?%+1or' S /ons) # tho%ght he<' only play5 so # was st%nne' when he too2 a -reath an' -egan to sing the wor's in a low5 +elo'i*5 raspy .oi*e) 0e 'i'n<t A%st play the song as it was5 tho%gh) 0e twiste' it5 *hange' it5 +a'e it

his) lrea'y a -ea%ti1%l5 ha%nting song5 Colton<s .ersion to%*he' so+ething in +y so%l) # *lose' +y eyes an' listene'5 1eeling the press%re lessen5 A%st a little) # 'i'n<t open +y eyes when he 1inishe') E(ill yo% play so+ething else7 Please7G E/%re) (hat 'o yo% want to hear7G # shr%gge'5 leaning +y hea' -a*2 against the *hair) Colton str%++e' a 1ew ti+es5 then *leare' his throat) # hear' the li@%i' glug as

he too2 a shot 1ro+ the -ottle) # 1elt the *ol' glass to%*h +y han'5 an' # too2 it an' 'ran2 witho%t opening +y eyes) The -%rn was wel*o+e5 now) # was 1eeling a +eas%re o1 pea*e5 tipsy an' 1loating) The g%ilt an' the grie1 were still there5 -an2e' *oals -%rning %n'erneath the al*ohol haCe) Colton -egan another song5 an' # re*ogniCe' this one too) EThis is INi2e a !ri'ge O.er Tro%-le' (aters< -y /i+on an' Far1%n2el)G The way Colton

anno%n*e' the song an' artist +a'e +e thin2 he<' 'one this -e1ore5 that he was 1alling into a ha-it) (as he a per1or+er7 0e again see+e' A%st too -ig5 too ro%gh5 too pri+al an' har' o1 a +an to sit in *o11eeho%ses -ehin' a +i*rophone playing in'ie 1ol2 songs) $et6hearing hi+ play an' raise his .oi*e to sing the high opening notes5 it see+e' only nat%ral) # was st%nne' -y the ro%gh -ea%ty o1 his .oi*e) 0e t%rne'

the song into a poe+) # wishe' 'esperately5 in that +o+ent5 to 1in' +y own -ri'ge o.er the tro%-le' waters o1 +y grie1) !%t there was none) Only the raging ri.er o1 %nshe' tears) (hen the song en'e'5 Colton shi1te' into another song5 one # 'i'n<t 2now an' he 'i'n<t anno%n*e5 rolling an' low an' so1t5 a *ir*%lar +elo'y that 'ri1te' %p an' 'own the register) 0e h%++e' in pla*es5 a 'eep -ass thro- in the -otto+ o1 his throat) /o+ething a-o%t the song str%*2 thro%gh the

al*ohol an' the n%+- ar+or aro%n' +y grie1) There were no wor's5 -%t it was an elegy nonetheless) # *o%l'n<t ha.e e4plaine' it5 -%t the song A%st e4%'e' grie15 spo2e o1 +o%rning) # 1elt thi*2 heat at the -a*2 o1 +y throat5 an' # 2new # wo%l'n<t -e a-le to *ontain it this ti+e) # trie') # trie' to *ho2e it 'own li2e .o+it5 -%t it *a+e %p anyway5 sp%rting past +y teeth in ragge' whi+pers) # hear' +ysel1 gasp5 an' then 2een high in +y throat5 a long5 tort%re' +oan)

Colton *lappe' his han's o.er the strings5 silen*ing the+) ENell7 $o% o2ay7G 0is .oi*e was the the i+pet%s that p%she' +e o.er the e'ge) # shot %p o%t o1 the *hair5 hopping away o11 the 'o*25 li+ping) # ran5 ho--ling 'esperately) # hit the grass an' 2ept going) Not 1or the ho%se5 not 1or the roa'5 A%st6 going) way) nywhere) # en'e' %p in the san'5 where +y 1eet san2 'eep an' slippe') # 1ell to +y 2nees5 so-s *lattering in +y throat5 shi.ering in +y +o%th)

# *rawle' a*ross the san'5 p%lle' +ysel1 the so1tly lapping water<s e'ge) gony -olte' thro%gh +y ar+ as it sli' o.er the san') Col' li@%i' li*2e' +y 1ingertips) # 1elt tears strea+ing 'own +y *hee2s5 -%t # was silent still) # hear' Colton<s 1eet *r%n*hing in the san'5 saw his -are 1eet stop a 1oot away5 toes *%rling in the san'5 ro*2ing -a*2 on his heels5 'igging 'eep as he *ro%*he' ne4t to +e) ENea.e +e alone)G # +anage' to grate the wor's past +y *len*he' teeth) 0e 'i'n<t answer5 -%t 'i'n<t

+o.e either) # 'ragge' 'eep -reaths in an' o%t5 1ighting to 2eep it in) ENet go5 Nell) &%st let it o%t)G E# *an<t)G ENo one will 2now) #t<ll -e o%r se*ret)G # *o%l' only sha2e +y hea'5 tasting san' on +y lips) ?y -reathing t%rne' 'esperate5 ragge'5 p%11ing into the grit o1 the -ea*h) 0is han' to%*he' +y sho%l'er -la'e) # writhe' away5 -%t his han' staye' in pla*e as i1 atta*he') That si+ple5 inno*ent to%*h was

1ire on +y s2in5 -%rning thro%gh +e an' %nlo*2ing the gates aro%n' +y sorrow) #t was A%st a single so- at 1irst5 a @%i*25 hysteri*al inhalation) Then a se*on') n' then # *o%l'n<t stop it) Tears5 a 1loo' o1 the+) # 1elt the san' grow *ol' an' +%''y %n'er +y 1a*e5 1elt +y -o'y sh%''ering %n*ontrolla-ly) 0e 'i'n<t tell +e it was o2ay) 0e 'i'n<t try to p%ll +e against hi+ or onto his lap) 0e 2ept his han' on +y

sho%l'er an' sat silent ne4t to +e) # 2new # wo%l'n<t -e a-le to stop) #<' let go5 an' now the ri.er wo%l' 1low %n;'a++e') No) No) # shoo2 +y hea'5 *len*he' +y teeth5 li1te' %p an' let +ysel1 1all 'own har'5 sen'ing a spear o1 pain spi'erwe--ing o%t 1ro+ +y ar+) The pain was a 'r%g5 an' # a**epte' it gree'ily) #t was a 'a+5 ste++ing the ti'e o1 tears) # pante'5 a whine e+itting 1ro+ +y throat) # 1or*e' +ysel1 %p5

s*ra+-ling in the san' li2e a +a'wo+an5 hair wil' an' *a2e' with grit) Colton stoo' %p5 *a%ght +y ar+ an' li1te' +e to +y 1eet) # lan'e' har'5 too har'5 an' # *o%l'n<t stop the *ry o1 pain as +y an2le Aarre') # 1ell 1orwar'5 into Colton) 0e *a%ght +e5 o1 *o%rse) 0e s+elle' o1 al*ohol5 *ologne5 *igarettes) 0is ar+s *ir*le' +y sho%l'ers an' hel' +e in pla*e) The so-s rose an' 1ell within +e5 -ro%ght %p -y g%ilt 1ro+ 1in'ing pleas%re an' *o+1ort5 'o%se' -y

the sa+e) # let +y 1orehea' rest %n'er his *hin5 A%st 1or a +o+ent) Only a +o+ent) &%st till # *a%ght +y -reath) #t 'i'n<t +ean anything) (ts just a moment of comfort, %yle. # 1o%n' +ysel1 tal2ing to hi+5 as i1 he *o%l' hear +e) (t doesnt mean anything. ( love you. 8nly you. !%t then he shi1te'5 loo2ing 'own at +e) /o5 o1 *o%rse5 # ha' to tilt +y hea' %p an' +eet his eyes) Da+n his eyes5 so so1t5 so pier*ing an' -right an' -l%e an' -ea%ti1%l) 0is eyes6 they

'rowne' +e) /%*2e' +e in) Dar2 sapphire la*e' with *orn1lower -l%e5 s2y -l%e5 i*e -l%e so +any sha'es o1 -l%e) # 1ell 1orwar'5 into hi+) # taste' &a+eson on his -reath5 heat on +y lips5 +oist so1t heat an' s*o%ring power o1 his lips) #t was only a +o+ent5 the -rie1est instant o1 *onta*t) 2iss5 an instant o1 wea2ness li2e the ine.ita-le p%ll o1 gra.ity) wareness ri1le' thro%gh +e5 str%*2 +e li2e a 'agger to the heart)

# threw +ysel1 -o'ily -a*2war'5 o%t o1 his ar+s5 away 1ro+ the 'rowning *o+1ort o1 his ar+s5 his lips) E(hat a+ # 'oing7G # st%+-le' -a*25 -a*2) E(hat a+ # 'oing7 (hat the fuck a+ # 'oing7G # t%rne' an' li+pe' away as 1ast as # *o%l'5 -arely hanging on to +y sanity5 -arely 2eeping the g%ilt 1ro+ eating +e ali.e) Colton 1ollowe'5 ran aro%n' in 1ront o1 +e an' stoppe' +e with his han's on +y sho%l'ers)

E(ait5 Nell) (ait) &%st wait)G # wren*he' 1ree) EDon<t touch +e) That6that was wrong) /o wrong) #<+ sorry6so sorry)G 0e shoo2 his hea'5 eyes -oiling with e+otion) ENo5 Nell) #t A%st happene') #<+ sorry too) #t A%st happene') #t<s o2ay)G E#t<s not o2ayHG # was nearly yelling) E0ow *an # 2iss yo% when he<s 'ea'7 (hen the +an # lo.e is gone7 0ow *an # 2iss yo% when6when #Jwhen :yleJG E#t<s not yo%r 1a%lt) # let it happen too) #t<s not yo%r 1a%lt) #t

A%st happene')G 0e 2ept saying that5 as i1 he *o%l' see the g%ilt5 the se*ret weight o1 aw1%l 2nowle'ge) E/top saying thatHG The wor's were torn 1ro+ +e -e1ore # *o%l' stop the+) E$o% 'on<t knowH $o% weren<t thereH 0e<s 'ea' an' #JG # *ho+pe' 'own on the last two wor's) Thin2ing the+5 2nowing the+ to -e tr%e is one thing9 saying the+ o%t lo%' to :yle<s -rother5 who+ # A%st 2isse'5 is another) 0e was *lose to +e again5 so+ehow) Not to%*hing5 -%t only

an in*h separating %s) That sli.er o1 air -etween %s *ra*2le'5 spar2e' an' spat) E(e<re not tal2ing a-o%t the 2iss any+ore5 are we7G 0is .oi*e thro--e' low5 wire' with passion5 %n'erstan'ing) # shoo2 +y hea'5 +y only answer 1or so +any things) E# *an<tJ# *an<tJ# *an<t6G # *o%l' only t%rn away5 an' this ti+e Colton Calloway let +e lea.e) 0e wat*he' +e5 # *o%l' 1eel his eyes on +e) # *o%l' 1eel hi+

2nowing +y tho%ghts5 'el.ing 'eep into +y se*ret so%l5 where g%ilt an' grie1 1estere' li2e an a-s*ess) # +a'e it to +y roo+5 to +y -e') ?y eyes *lose'5 an' all # saw was :yle 'ying5 o.er an' o.er again) !etween the i+ages o1 his last in'rawn -reath5 # saw Colton) 0is 1a*e growing *loser5 his +o%th on +ine) # wante' to *ry5 to s*rea+5 to so-) !%t # *o%l'n<t) !e*a%se i1 # 'i'5 #<' ne.er stop) Ne.er ne.er) There wo%l' only -e an o*ean o1

tears) 0ot heart;-loo' lea2e' 1ro+ +y 1a*e) "ro+ +y eyes an' +y nose an' +y +o%th) Not tears5 -e*a%se those wo%l' ne.er stop) This was A%st li@%i' heart-rea2 seeping 1ro+ +y pores) The +o%ntain o1 press%re5 the weight o1 grie1 an' g%ilt6it was all # *o%l' 1eel) #t was all # wo%l' e.er 1eel) # 2new that) # 2new5 too5 that # wo%l' learn to -e nor+al on*e again5 so+e'ay) To li.e5 to -e5 to see+ o2ay) O2ay wo%l' only e.er -e s2in 'eep5 tho%gh)

The note was %n'er +y pillow) # %n1ol'e' it5 gaCe' at it) 6.nd now were learning how to fall in love together. ( dont care what any one else says. ( love you. (ll always love you, no matter what happens with us in the future. ( love you now and forever. # saw the splot*h where +y tear ha' 1allen5 staining the -l%e pen; stro2es -la*2 in a s%''en Oors*ha*h pattern) nother wet 'rop splatte' on the paper5 A%st -eneath the writing this ti+e) # let it sin2 in an' stain) The slanting

'ownstro2e o1 the I$< in his s*rawle' signat%res -l%rre' an' -e*a+e -lotte') 3.ent%ally the slow lea2 stoppe' an' # 1ell asleep) # 'rea+e' o1 -rown eyes an' -l%e5 o1 a ghost -esi'e +e5 lo.ing +e5 an' o1 a 1lesh an' -loo' +an sitting on a 'o*25 'rin2ing whis2ey5 playing g%itar5 an' re+e+-ering an illi*it 2iss) #n the 'rea+5 he won'ere' what it +eant) #n the 'rea+5 he stole into +y roo+ an' 2isse' +e again) # wo2e 1ro+ that 'rea+ sweating an' sha2ing an' na%seo%s

with g%ilt) Part Two The Present Colton Chapter 6: Ol' ?an &a*2 Two years later #<+ sitting on a par2 -en*h on the e'ge o1 Central Par25 -%s2ing) #<.e got +y *ase on the gro%n' ne4t at +y 1eet5 a 1ew -%*2s as see' +oney -right green against the +aroon .el.et) # ha.en<t -%s2e' in +onths) The shop has -een too -%sy5 too +any or'ers5 too +any re-%il's an' *%sto+ Ao-s) !%t

this5 the open air an' the la*2 o1 e4pe*tations5 this is where # li.e) (here +y so%l 1lies) Ni2e +y wee2ly gig at :elly<s -ar5 it<s not a-o%t the +oney5 altho%gh # %s%ally +a2e a 'e*ent *h%n2 o1 *hange) #t<s a-o%t letting the +%si* 1low o%t o1 +y -loo' an' into the g%itar5 letting it seep thro%gh +y .o*al *hor's) #<+ a'A%sting a string5 twea2ing the t%ning 1or +y ne4t song) ?y hea' is 'own5 tilte' to the si'e5 listening 1or the per1e*t pit*h) # get it5 -o- +y hea' in appro.al)

# start in on E# an' No.e an' $o%G -y the .ett !rothers) This is a song that always 'raws a *row') #t<s the song +ore than +e5 really) #t<s s%*h -rilliant pie*e o1 +%si*) /o +%*h +eaning st%11e' into the lyri*s) # loo2 %p a1ter the 1irst .erse an' s*an the si'ewal2 in 1ront o1 +e) n ol'er +an in a -%siness s%it5 a phone against his ear5 another *lippe' to his e4pensi.e leather -elt9 yo%ng wo+an with -ottle -lon' hair in a +essy -%n5 a sti*2y;1a*e' -oy;*hil' gripping her han'5 -oth stoppe'

an' listening9 a gay *o%ple5 yo%ng +en hol'ing han's5 1la+-oyant5 -o%11ant hair an' *olor1%l s*ar.es9 three teen girls5 giggling5 whispering to ea*h other -ehin' *%ppe' han's5 thin2ing #<+ *%te) n' her) Nell) # *o%l' write a song5 an' her na+e wo%l' -e the +%si*) # *o%l' sing5 str%+ a g%itar5 an' her -o'y wo%l' -e the +elo'y) /he<s stan'ing -ehin' the rest o1 the *row'5 partially o-s*%re'5

leaning against a par2ing +eter5 a pat*hwor2; 1a-ri* p%rse sl%ng o.er one sho%l'er5 pale green 'ress -r%shing her 2nees an' h%gging her *%r.es5 straw-erry -lon' hair twiste' into a *as%al -rai' an' hanging o.er one sho%l'er) Pale s2in li2e i.ory5 1lawless an' -egging to -e *aresse'5 2isse') #<+ no saint) #<.e hoo2e' %p with other girls sin*e then5 -%t they<.e ne.er -een eno%gh) Ne.er -een right) They<.e ne.er st%*2

aro%n' long) Now5 here she is) (hy7 # trie' so har' to 1orget her5 -%t still her 1a*e5 her lips5 her -o'y5 gli+pse' -eneath a wet -la*2 'ress6she ha%nts +e) /he<s -iting her lip5 worrying it -etween her teeth5 gray;green eyes pinning +e to the -en*h) /hit) "or so+e reason # *an<t 1atho+5 that ha-it5 the -iting her lip6# *an<t ta2e it) # want to throw 'own the g%itar an' go o.er to her an' ta2e that per1e*t pl%+p lower lip into +y +o%th an' not let go)

# al+ost 1alter at that 1irst +eeting o1 o%r eyes5 -%t # 'on<t) # +eet her gaCe5 *ontin%e the song) #<+ singing it to her5 as # rea*h the 1inal *hor%s) E#6an' lo.e6 an' yo%)G /he 2nows) /he sees it in +y eyes) #t<s %tter +a'ness to sing this song to her5 -%t # *an<t stop now) # wat*h her lips +o.e5 +o%thing the wor's along with +ine) 0er eyes are paine'5 ha%nte') The person stan'ing in 1ront o1 her +o.es5 an' # see a g%itar *ase resting against her thigh5 the

ro%n' -otto+ plante' on the si'ewal25 her pal+ sta-iliCing the narrow top) # 'i'n<t 2now she playe') The song en's an' the *row' +o.es away5 a 1ew people tossing in ones an' 1i.es) The -%siness+anJstill on the phone Jtosses in a 1i1ty an' a -%siness *ar' anno%n*ing hi+sel1 as a re*or' la-el pro'%*er) # no' at hi+5 an' he +a2es the %ni.ersal E*all +eG gest%re with his 1ree han') # +ight *all hi+) # +ight not) ?%si* is e4pression5 not -%siness)

/he approa*hes5 -en'ing at the 2nees an' li1ting her g%itar *ase5 sli'es onto the -en*h ne4t to +e) 0er eyes ne.er lea.e +ine as she sits5 Cips open her *ase5 with'raws a -ea%ti1%l Taylor *lassi*al a*o%sti*) /he -ites her lip again5 then pl%*2s a 1ew strings5 str%+s5 -egins E!arton 0ollowG) # la%gh so1tly5 an' see that the pain has ne.er le1t her) /he<s *arrie' it all this ti+e) # wea.e +y part in aro%n' hers5 an' then #<+ singing) The wor's 1all 1ro+ +y lips easily5 -%t #<+ -arely

hearing +ysel1) /he plays easily an' well5 -%t it<s *lear she hasn<t -een playing too long) /he still glan*es at her 1ingers on the 1ret-oar' as she swit*hes *hor's5 an' she gets a 1ew notes wrong) !%t her .oi*e6 it<s p%re +agi*5 '%l*et an' sil.er an' *rystalline an' so sweet) (e 'raw a *raCy *row' together) DoCens o1 people) The street -eyon' is -lo*2e' 1ro+ .iew -y the -o'ies5 an' # *an tell she<s %n*o+1orta-le with the attention) /he *rosses her leg o.er her

2nee5 -o%n*es with the rhyth+5 '%*2s her hea' as i1 wishing her hair was loose so she *o%l' hi'e -ehin' it) /he slips %p a *hor'5 loses the rhyth+) # twist on the -en*h to +eet her eyes5 lo*2 gaCes an' no' at her5 slow 'own an' a**ent%ate the str%++ing rhyth+) /he -reathes 'eep5 swelling her -reasts -ehin' her Taylor5 an' 1in's the rhyth+ with +e) The song en's5 e.ent%ally5 all too soon) # hal1;e4pe*t her to rise

an' p%t away the g%itar an' 1loat away again5 witho%t a wor' e4*hange'5 A%st gone again as +ysterio%sly as she appeare') /he 'oesn<t5 tho%gh) Than2 go' 1or that) /he glan*es aro%n' at the *row'5 *hews her lip5 glan*es at +e) # wait5 pal+ 1lat on the strings) /he ta2es a 'eep -reath5 pl%*2s a 1ew strings5 i'ly5 as i1 'e*i'ing5 then no's to hersel15 a @%i*2 -oo1 the hea' as i1 to say5 Eyeah5 #<+ gonna 'o it)G Then she -egins to str%+ a t%ne # 2now # 2now5 -%t

*an<t pla*e) Then she sings) n' again5 her a'+itte'ly +e'io*re g%itar playing 1a'es away5 repla*e' -y the sho*2ing -ea%ty o1 her .oi*e) /he<s singing E?a2e $o% "eel ?y No.eG -y 'ele) The original is si+ple an' power1%l5 A%st the piano an' 'ele<s %ni@%e .oi*e) (hen Nell sings it5 she ta2es it an' twists it5 +a2es it ha%nting an' sa' an' al+ost *o%ntry; so%n'ing) /he sings it low in her register5 al+ost whispering the wor's)

n' she sings it to +e) (hi*h +a2es no sense whatsoe.er) !%t still5 she wat*hes +e as she sings5 an' # *an see the years o1 pain an' g%ilt in her gaCe) /he still -la+es hersel1) # always 2new she 'i'5 an' hope' ti+e wo%l' *%re her o1 that5 -%t # *an see5 witho%t ha.ing e.en spo2en to her5 that she still *arries the weight) There<s 'ar2ness in this girl5 now) # al+ost 'on<t want to get in.ol.e') /he<ll h%rt +e) # 2now this) # *an see it5 1eel it *o+ing) /he<s got so +%*h pain5 so +any

*ra*2s an' shar's an' Aags in her so%l5 an' #<+ going to get *%t -y her i1 #<+ not *are1%l) # *an<t 1i4 her) # 2now this too) #<+ not going to try) #<.e ha' too +any goo'y;goo'y girls hoo2 %p with +e5 thin2ing they *an 1i4 +e) # also 2now #<+ not going to stay away) #<+ going to gra- onto her an' let +ysel1 get *%t) #<+ goo' at pain) #<+ goo' at -lee'ing5 e+otionally an' physi*ally) # let her sing) # 'on<t Aoin in5 # A%st gi.e her the +o+ent5 let her own it) The *row' whistles an' *laps an' tosses 'ollars into her

open g%itar *ase) Now she waits5 wat*hes) ?y t%rn) # 2now # ha.e to *hoose +y song *are1%lly) (e<re esta-lishing a 'ialog%e5 here) (e<re ha.ing a *on.ersation in +%si*5 a 'is*%ssion in g%itar *hor's an' s%ng notes an' song titles) # str%+ nonsense an' h%+5 thin2ing) Then it *o+es to +e: ECan<t !rea2 0er "allG -y ?att :earney) #t spea2s to +e5 an' it<s %ni@%e5 a song people will re+e+-er) n' # 2now she<ll hear +e5 hear what #<+ not

saying when # sing it) The hal1; s%ng5 hal1rappe') The .erses tell s%*h a strong5 .i.i' story5 an' s%''enly # *an see her an' # in the lyri*s) /he listens *are1%lly) 0er gray; green gaCe har'ens5 an' her teeth snag her lip an' -ite 'own har') Oh yeah) /he hear' +e) # *at*h the tre+-le in her han' when she sets her g%itar in the *ase5 Cips it *lose' an' tries not to st%+-le as she r%ns 1ro+ +e) 0er -rai' trails -ehin' her5 -o%n*ing -etween her sho%l'er -la'es5 an' her *al.es 1lash pale white in the

New $or2 s%nlight) # let her go5 1inish the song5 two +ore *hor's5 then # *li*2 the g%itar *ase *lose' an' Aog a1ter her) *ross the street5 $ellow Ca-s hon2ing i+patiently5 *ity noise5 an' then 'own to a s%-way) /he swipes a *ar' an' str%ggles with the t%rnstile5 g%itar hel' aw2war'ly -y the han'le) /he swipes the *ar' again5 -%t the t%rnstile won<t -%'ge an' she<s *%rsing %n'er her -reath) People are lining %p -ehin' %s5 -%t she<s

o-li.io%s to the+5 to +e +ere in*hes away) /he tosses her hea'5 stops str%ggling5 ta2es a 'eep -reath) t that +o+ent5 # rea*h past her5 swipe +y own *ar' an' gently p%sh her thro%gh the gate) /he *o+plies as i1 in a 'aCe5 lets +e ta2e her g%itar 1ro+ her an' slip the straps o.er +y sho%l'er5 hol'ing +y own har'*ase -y the han'le) The pal+ o1 +y 1ree han' *%ps her lower -a*25 pro+pts her onto the waiting s%-way *ar) /he 'oesn<t loo2

+e5 'oesn<t @%estion that it<s +e) /he A%st 2nows) /he<s -reathing 'eeply still5 gathering hersel1) # let her -reathe5 let the silen*e stret*h) /he won<t t%rn in pla*e to loo2 at +e5 -%t she leans -a*25 A%st slightly5 her -a*2 -r%shing +y 1ront) /he 'oesn<t p%t her weight against +e5 +erely allows a hint o1 *onta*t) /he steps o11 a1ter a 1ew stops5 an' # 1ollow) /he *at*hes another line5 an' we *ontin%e in silen*e) /he hasn<t +et +y eyes sin*e she ran 1ro+ the Central Par2 -en*h)

#<.e staye' -ehin' her5 A%st 1ollowing) # 1ollow her to an apart+ent -%il'ing in Tri-e*a5 1ollow her %p the e*hoing stairwell5 trying not to stare at her ass swaying as she as*en's the stairs) #t<s har' not to5 tho%gh) #t<s s%*h a 1ine ass5 ro%n' an' ta%t an' swinging teasingly %n'er the thin *otton o1 her s%n'ress) /he %nlo*2s 'oor n%+-er three; 1o%rteen5 sho.es it open with her toe an' goes straight to the 2it*hen5 not wat*hing to see i1 # 1ollow her in %nin.ite'5 whi*h #

'o) # *lose the 'oor -ehin' +e5 set her g%itar *ase on the 1loor -eneath a light swit*h5 A%st insi'e the 'oorway5 ne4t to a s+all s@%are ta-le sta*2e' with sheet +%si* an' g%itar -oo2s an' pa*2ets o1 nylon strings) ?y *ase goes on the 1loor ne4t +e in the entryway to the open 2it*hen) # wat*h her Aer2 open a *a-inet ne4t to the re1rigerator5 p%ll o%t a -ottle o1 &a*25 twist the *ap o11 an' toss it to the *o%nter) 0er 1ist sha2es an'

she tilts the -ottle %p to her lips an' s%*2s three ti+es5 long har' 'rags straight 1ro+ the -ottle) Da+n) /he sets the -ottle 'own .iolently an' stan's with her hea' hanging -etween her ar+s -ra*e' on the *o%nter5 one 1oot stret*he' o%t -ehin' her5 the other -ent *lose to the *o%nter in a r%nner<s stret*h) /he sh%''ers in a -reath5 straightens5 wipes her lips with the -a*2 o1 her han') # *ross the spa*e -etween %s5 an' # 'on<t +iss the way she

tenses as # 'raw near) /he stops -reathing as +y ar+ 'i.es o.er her sho%l'er an' +y han' gra-s the -ottle5 -rings it to +y lips an' # +at*h her three long p%lls) #t -%rns5 a 1a+iliar pain) /he t%rns in pla*e5 1inally5 retreating to the *o%nter e'ge5 staring %p at +e5 eyes wi'e an' sear*hing) /he loo2s li2e an ani+e *hara*ter5 s%''enly5 so wi'e;eye' an' 1%ll o1 'epthless e+otion) # want to 2iss her so -a'ly5 -%t # 'on<t) # 'on<t e.en to%*h her5

e.en tho%gh #<+ +ere in*hes 1ro+ her) # hol' the -ottle5 +y other han' proppe' against the *o%nter -esi'e her el-ow) E(hy are yo% here7G she as2s) 0er .oi*e is a harsh whisper5 whis2ey;-%rne') # let a lopsi'e' s+ile tilt +y lips) E0ere in yo%r apart+ent7 Or here in New $or27G E#n +y apart+ent) #n New $or2) #n +y li1e) 0ere) (hy are yo% here7G E# li.e in New $or2) # ha.e sin*e # was se.enteen) #<+ here in yo%r apart+ent -e*a%se # 1ollowe'

yo% 1ro+ Central Par2)G E!%t why7G E!e*a%se we weren<t 'one tal2ing)G /he s*r%n*hes %p her nose in *on1%sion5 a gest%re so a-s%r'ly a'ora-le +y -reath st%tters in +y *hest) ETal2ing7 Neither o1 %s sai' a wor')G E/till a *on.ersation)G # tilt the -ottle to +y lips an' ta2e another p%ll5 1eeling it hit +y sto+a*h) E -o%t what7G E$o% tell +e)G E# 'on<t 2now)G /he ta2es the -ottle 1ro+ +e5 'rin2s 1ro+ it5

*aps it an' p%ts it away) E -o%t6 that night on the 'o*2)G # shr%g5 tip +y hea' si'e to si'e) E/ort o15 -%t not really)G EThen what 'o yo% thin2 we were tal2ing a-o%t7G EMs)G /he p%shes past +e5 tilts her hea' to the si'e an' peels her hair 1ree 1ro+ the -rai'5 2i*2ing o11 her 1lip 1lops) EThere is no %s) There ne.er was an' ne.er will -e)G # 'on<t answer that5 -e*a%se she<s right) !%t so wrong) There will -e an %s) /he A%st hasn<t

seen it yet) /he<ll resist it5 -e*a%se it<s wrong on so +any le.els) #<+ her 'ea' -oy1rien'<s ol'er -rother) n' she 2nows nothing a-o%t +e) #<+ -a' 1or her) /he<s %n'erage5 an' # sho%l'n<t en*o%rage her 'rin2ing) /he<s o-.io%sly %sing ol' +an &a*2 to *ope5 an' # %n'erstan' that all too well) !%t she<s still only twenty5 whi*h is A%st too yo%ng to -e 'rin2ing li2e that5 straight 1ro+ the -ottle li2e a Aa'e'

al*oholi*) /he 1inishes %n-rai'ing her hair an' sha2es it o%t5 *o+-s thro%gh it with her 1ingers) E$o% sho%l' go5G she says5 'isappearing into the -e'roo+) # hear *loth r%stling an' hit the gro%n') E# ha.e *lass)G #<+ a sha+eless asshole) # 2now this5 -e*a%se only a sha+eless asshole wo%l' +o.e aro%n' the *o%nter to see into her roo+) (hi*h is what # 'o) /he<s in a +at*hing -ra an' panties set5 pin2 with -la*2 pol2a 'ots) "a*ing away 1ro+ +e5 tight ro%n' ass so

'ele*ta-ly per1e*t in the -oyshort panties) Oh go'5 oh go') /he 1eels +y presen*e5 twists her ne*2 to glare at +e) E(ell yo%<re an asshole)G E/ho%l'<.e *lose' yo%r 'oor)G E# tol' yo% to lea.e)G /he rea*hes into a 'rawer an' %n1ol's a pair o1 Aeans5 steps into the+) (at*hing a girl 'ress is al+ost as hot as wat*hing her strip) E!%t # 'i'n<t an' yo% 2new it)G E# 'i'n<t thin2 yo%<' -latantly wat*h +e *hange) "%*2ing per.ert)G

# grin at her5 the s+ile +y -%''ies *all the panty;'ropper) E#<+ not a per.ert) # A%st appre*iate art)G /he s+ir2s) E/+ooth5 Colton) Pery s+ooth)G # grin) No one *alls +e Colton) No one) #<+ Colt) E#t wasn<t a line5 Nell) #t was the tr%th)G # t%rn %p the wattage on the s+ile5 stepping towar' her) /he tenses5 *l%t*hing a pale -l%e T;shirt in white;2n%*2le 1ists) E(hat are yo% 'oing7G # 'on<t answer) # *ontin%e towar' her5 step -y 'eli-erate step) # 1eel

li2e pre'ator5 a lion stal2ing prey) 0er eyes grow wi'e5 'oe eyes) 0er nostrils 1lare5 her han's twist the shirt5 her -reasts swell as she -reathes 'eeply5 swelling %ntil they threaten to spill o%t) Fo' # wish they wo%l') Ni2e # sai'5 sha+eless) /he<s A%st insi'e the roo+5 whi*h is tiny) !arely spa*e 1or the -e' an' 'resser) #<+ in*hes away 1ro+ her again5 an' # *o%l' see her nipples i1 # loo2e' 'own5 pro-a-ly) t the .ery least5 #<' -e treate' to a h%ge e4panse o1

por*elain *lea.age) # 'on<t loo2 tho%gh) # +eet her eyes5 let +y raw 'esire5 +y weltering -oil o1 e+otions show in +y gaCe as # rea*h past her) ?y han' -r%shes her sho%l'er A%st -esi'e her -ra strap as # grasp the e'ge o1 the 'oor) #<+ so *lose5 now) 0er -reasts are to%*hing +y *hest5 +y ar+ to%*hing -oth her sho%l'er an' ear) 0er eyes sli'e *lose'5 -rea2ing the *onta*t5 an' # hear her -reath *at*h) /he wilts slightly5 the

tension -lee'ing o%t o1 her5 an' she tilts her hea' to rest against +y ar+) 0er eyes 1li*2 open5 -right with renewe' 'eter+ination5 an' she straightens so she<s not to%*hing +e) # p%ll the 'oor *lose' -etween %s) &%st -e1ore # step o%t o1 her 1ront 'oor5 # ta2e one o1 +y -%siness *ar' 1ro+ +y wallet an' set in on the ta-le5 on top o1 the pa*2et o1 g%itar strings) # *lose her apart+ent 'oor with 'eli-erate noise5 so she<ll 2now # le1t) The wal2 -a*2 to the s%-way an'

the s%-se@%ent ri'e to +y apart+ent in K%eens is long5 pro.i'ing +e with too +%*h ti+e to as2 +ysel1 e4a*tly what the 1%*2 #<+ getting +ysel1 into) Nell is -a' news) /he<s got +aAor 'a+age5 a -aggage train a +ile long) n' so 'o #) # toss +y g%itar on the -e' an' go 'ownstairs to the shop) # set +y phone in the 'o*2 an' -last !la*2 Na-el /o*iety<s E/till-ornG lo%' eno%gh to 'rown +y tho%ghts as # throw +ysel1 in the 396 -ig

-lo*2 #<+ re-%il'ing) #t<s 1or a *lassi* <69 Ca+aro5 whi*h 'i'n<t +ean shit to +e %ntil Nell showe' %p5 an' then all # *an thin2 o1 is :yle<s Ca+aro5 whi*h # restore' 1ro+ a -%*2et o1 r%st in a A%n2 heap into +int *on'ition5 an' then le1t -ehin' when # +o.e' here) # lo.e' that *ar5 an' it h%rt so -a' to lea.e it -ehin'5 -%t Da' ha' pai' 1or it5 so # *o%l'n<t ta2e it) Ne.er +in' that e.ery penny o1 the parts *a+e 1ro+ +e5 or that #<' spent the -loo'5 sweat an'

tears to restore it) The see' +oney *a+e 1ro+ Da'5 an' i1 # +o.e' to New $or2 instea' o1 atten'ing 0ar.ar'5 then # -ro%ght nothing -%t what # -o%ght +ysel1) That was the 'eal) t least :yle too2 *are o1 it) # snorte' as # tho%ght o1 Da'<s e4pe*tation that # go to 0ar.ar') 0e<' a*t%ally tho%ght that wo%l' happen) "%*2ing ri'i*%lo%s) 3.en now5 al+ost ten years later5 # *an<t 1atho+ what went thro%gh his hea') #<' 1it in at 0ar.ar' li2e a

-%ll in *hina shop) ?y tho%ghts ret%rn to Nell) /an'ing piston rings is -oring -%sy wor25 so o1 *o%rse # *an<t help -%t thin2 o1 her) O1 her sweet *rystalline .oi*e an' her pier*ing green;gray eyes an' her 1ine5 1ine -o'y) Fo''a+n it5 #<+ in tro%-le) 3spe*ially when # thin2 o1 the 'eep;seate' a*he in her gaCe5 in the 'esperate way she 'ran2 that whis2ey5 as i1 the n%+-ness was a 1rien'5 as i1 the -%rn was a wel*o+e

respite 1ro+ reality) # 2now that pain5 an' # want to ta2e it 1ro+ her) # want to 2now her tho%ghts5 2now what ha%nts her) # +ean5 o1 *o%rse # 2now) :yle 'ie'5 an' she saw it happen) !%t that<s not really it) /o+ething else 'ri.es her) /o+ething else eats at her5 so+e g%ilt) n' # want to 2now what5 so # *an a-sol.e her o1 it) (hi*h5 o1 *o%rse5 is i+possi-le an' st%pi' an' re*2less) # set the 400;grit san'paper 'own an' inspe*t the ring5 1in'ing it gro%n' 'own to +y

satis1a*tion) The hea'ers are the ne4t ite+ o1 -%siness5 an' those too only ta2e a portion o1 +y attention5 so +y tho%ghts are 1ree to roa+ -a*2 to the way she leane' her hea' on +y ar+ 1or a split se*on'5 as i1 wishing she *o%l' let hersel1 go5 let hersel1 lean 1%rther) !%t she 'i'n<t5 an' # *an<t help -%t respe*t her 1or that5 e.en # 2now her strength is 1alse5 proppe' %p -y the sha2y gir'ers o1 ol' +an &a*2) One 'ay soon5 those gir'ers will *ollapse5 an' her worl' will

*r%+-le5 an' # 2now # ha.e to -e there when that happens) Chapter 7: C%ts9 Pain 1or Pain 8ne week later #<+ per*he' on a -arstool in a +i'town hole;in;the;wall -ar5 str%++ing +y g%itar an' playing an original song) No one is listening5 -%t # 'on<t *are) #t<s eno%gh to play 1or the lo.e o1 the +%si*5 1or the *han*e to 1eel the notes 1ly o%t an' -o%n*e o11 +in's an' hearts) # ta2e that -a*25 there is one person listening: the -arten'er5 a girl #

2new 1or a long ti+e an' 1inally hoo2e' %p with a *o%ple ti+es a 1ew +onths ago) (e weren<t really *o+pati-le5 an' it t%rne' into an o'' sort o1 1rien'ship5 wherein she gets +e to play on Th%rs'ays nights in ret%rn 1or a h%n're' -%*2s an' 1ree 'rin2s an' so+e har+less 1lirtation that ne.er goes 1%rther) :elly5 her na+e is) !ea%ti1%l girl5 goo' in -e'5 1%nny5 an' slings a 'a+n goo' &a*2 an' Co2e) !%t we A%st 'i'n<t *li*2 in the -e'roo+) (e ne.er really

1ig%re' o%t what it was5 other than A%st6not @%ite right) !%t we enAoy ea*h other<s *o+pany an' ha.e so+e goo'5 +%*h;nee'e' la%ghs) /o she<s listening5 an' #<+ playing 1or her) #t<s a song a-o%t her a*t%ally5 a-o%t a girl with long -la*2 hair an' -right -rown eyes an' *o11ee; *olore' s2in an' a sweet s+ile an' a ro*2ing -o'y who will ne.er -e +ore than a 1rien') #t<s an o'' song5 2in' o1 lonely an' sa' -%t to%*he' with h%+or) Then she wal2s in) # str%+ a

wrong note an' :elly 1rowns at +e 1ro+ a*ross the -ar5 then her eyes 1ollow +y gaCe an' her eyes wi'en an' she<s s+ir2ing 2nowingly) Nell is s%rro%n'e' -y people5 1o%r girls who *o%l' all -e sisters5 @%a'r%plets or so+ething with their i'enti*al -lon'e hair p%lle' into a ponytail with that st%pi' -%+p on top an' their yoga pants an' Coa*h p%rses) 3a*h girl has a -oy on her ar+5 an' they<re +at*hing sets as well5 +%s*le;-o%n'

A%i*ehea's with i'ioti* tri-al tattoos an' 'ea' eyes an' *o*2y swaggers) These g%ys ha.e their han's on their girls possessi.ely5 an' the girls see+ to enAoy it) Nell has one too5 an' this pisses +e o11) 0e<s h%ge) # +ean5 #<+ a -ig g%y5 -%t he<s +assi.e) n' his eyes aren<t 'ea') They<re @%i*2 an' alert an' 1%ll o1 latent aggression) 0e<s got the hottest girl in the -ar on his ar+ an' he 2nows an' he wants so+eone to +a2e a +o.e so he *an 'estroy the+)

0is han' is on her lower -a*25 on her ass5 really5 *%rling aro%n' her hip as he g%i'es her to the -ar) # see green5 an' then re') (hi*h is st%pi') This is -a') #<+ gonna en' %p in Aail) # +a2e it thro%gh the song5 -%t -arely) :elly sen's o.er a shot o1 &a+eson with a waitress) # 'own it5 no' at :elly) /he gi.es +e a @%estioning th%+-s %p) .m ( good* # no'5 lying) #<+ not goo') #<+ really5 really -a') #<+ gonna start a 1ight

tonight) #<+ gonna get h%rt5 an' Nell is gonna -e pisse' an' :elly is gonna -e pisse') # sho%l' lea.e) # owe Nell nothing) # 'on<t own her) # 'on<t ha.e a *lai+ on her) /%re5 she ne.er sai' anything a-o%t a -oy1rien'5 -%t then we 'i'n<t really tal2 +%*h an' # 'i'n<t as2) #t 'i'n<t *ross +y +in') # start a *o.er o1 ?att Nathanson<s ECo+e On Fet 0igherG -e*a%se # *an 'o that song witho%t

thin2ing) #<+ wat*hing5 waiting) /he<ll realiCe who<s singing any se*on'5 an' that<s when things<ll get interesting) 0e<s p%shing her i+patiently towar's the -ar an' she writhes her -a*2 away 1ro+ his to%*h5 twists her torso to snap so+ething at hi+) # *an<t see her lips to rea' the+5 -%t # *an i+agine) /he steps away 1ro+ hi+5 -%t he 1ollows an' *%rls his ar+ aro%n' her waist5 t%gs her against his si'e an' leans 'own

to whisper in her ear) (hate.er he says has her sti11ening -%t a*@%ies*ing) /taying t%*2e' against his si'e) # see her 1a*e5 an' she<s %nhappy5 -%t in a long;s%11ering sort o1 way) This isn<t new) !%t it only sen's +y rage -%rning hotter) # 1inish that song5 then 'e*i'e to %p the ante) # *lear +y throat into the +i* an' 'o an intro) # %s%ally A%st play thro%gh witho%t any theatri*s5 espe*ially when no one is really paying attention5 -%t this is a %ni@%e sit%ation)

E0ey e.ery-o'y) # hope yo%<re all ha.ing a great ti+e) # 2now # a+) #<+ Colt5 an' #<+ gonna -e playing a +i4 o1 *o.ers an' original songs)G /he swi.els towar' +y .oi*e as i1 p%lle' -y a wire) 0er eyes go wi'e an' she stops -reathing) EThat was ?att Nathanson # A%st sang5 -y the way) #1 yo% 'on<t 2now his st%115 yo% sho%l' gi.e hi+ a listen) 0e<s great) nyway5 #<+ gonna 'o another *o.er) This is I# (on<t Fi.e Mp< -y &ason ?raC)G

#t<s a little high 1or +y .oi*e5 -%t it wor2s) # 'on<t ta2e +y eyes o11 her5 an' it<s then5 when #<.e got real reason to sing5 that the *row' starts paying attention) ?ay-e so+ething in +y .oi*e shi1ts5 -%t the *hattering @%iets an' hea's t%rn towar' +e) #<+ not s%re she -reathes at all) /he<s still hel' tight against !ri*2;shitho%se<s ri-s5 an' she<s growing i+patient) /he wiggles to get away5 an' he resists) 3.ent%ally she el-ows hi+5 har'5 an' he lets go5 1rowning) /he 'isappears

into the -athroo+9 when she *o+es -a*25 she<s wiping her lips with the -a*2 o1 her han'5 an' # 2now e4a*tly what she 'i' in there) # ne.er ta2e +y eyes 1ro+ her thro%gh se.eral +ore songs) 3.ent%ally # ha.e to ta2e a -rea25 so # than2 the *row' an' step o11 the stage) /he<s -een trying to ignore +e5 po%n'ing shots o1 &a*2 an' *hasing the+ with Oolling Oo*2) O-.io%sly she<s got a 1a2e #D5 or she<s ol'er than # tho%ght) Then # hear the gro%p o1 girls an' their g%ys all *on.erge aro%n' her an'

sing E0appy !irth'ay 'ear NellG hi'eo%sly o11;2ey) 0er ogre -oy1rien' p%lls her against hi+ 1or a 2iss5 whi*h she s%-+its to li+ply5 han's at her si'e5 not 2issing hi+ -a*2) t length5 she p%shes hi+ away an' t%rns the -ar) #<+ to her si'e5 so # see her wipe her +o%th as i1 'isg%ste'5 an' s%ppress a sh%''er) Ogre 'oesn<t see5 sin*e he<s too -%sy ogling the waitress5 who is in t%rn leaning o.er 1or hi+ so he *an see 'own her shirt as she 1lirts with hi+) #<+ p%CCle' -y this e4*hange5

espe*ially when he slips his han' Jthe one that isn<t on Nell<s hip J'own to openly grope the waitress< ass) #<+ e.en +ore *on1%se' when Nell swi.els in pla*e an' wat*hes the entire thing5 hints o1 a+%se+ent an' 'isg%st playing on her lips an' eyes) Nell t%rns away5 sha2ing her hea'5 -%t lea.es his han' on her) /he +eets +y eyes5 an' # li1t an eye-row) 0er eyes ta2e on an al+ost g%ilty e4pression 1or a split se*on'5 -%t then it<s gone) # wa.e :elly o.er an' tell her to po%r

two -ig shots o1 &a+eson5 one 1or +e5 an' one 1or Nell) (hen Nell has her shot in han'5 # li1t +ine to +y lips an' tip it -a*2) Nell +at*hes +e) Ogre wat*hes this5 an' his 1a*e 'ar2ens) 0e leans 'own an' whispers in her ear) /he shr%gs) 0e lat*hes his han' on her -i*ep5 an' # see hi+ s@%eeCe5 see Nell win*e) "%*2 that) # set +y glass 'own an' wea.e thro%gh the *row' towar' the+) Nell is wat*hing +e5 sha2ing her hea' at +e) # ignore her warnings) Ogre straightens as he

sees +e approa*hing5 an' his +o%th t%rns %p in a rea'y s+ile) 0e 1le4es his 1ist an' steps past Nell) ECONTHG :elly<s .oi*e snaps o%t 1ro+ +y le1t5 1ro+ -ehin' the -ar) E# 'on<t 1%*2ing thin2 so) Not in +y -ar)G # t%rn to :elly5 who is glaring 'aggers at +e) :elly 2nows a -it a-o%t +e5 2nows so+e o1 the people # %se' to r%n with) /he 2nows what # *an 'o an' she 'oesn<t want any part o1 it here) # 'on<t -la+e her)

/he rea*hes -eneath the -ar an' li1ts a *ollapsa-le poli*e -aton5 1li*2s her wrist to e4ten' its weighte' hea') /he points it at Ogre an' *o+pany) EFet o%t) ll o1 yo%) Now)G /he also li1ts her *ell phone 1ro+ her p%rse an' 'ials a n%+-er5 shows the s*reen to the+) E#<ll 1%*2 yo% all %p5 an' then #<ll *all the poli*e an' yo%<ll -e arreste'5 -e*a%se # ha.e that 2in' o1 %n'erstan'ing with the+) /o get the 1%*2 o%t)G $o% 'on<t 1%*2 with :elly) /he 2nows the people # %se' to r%n with5 -e*a%se she %se' to r%n

with the+ too) (hat she 'oesn<t say is that the re' -an'ana tying her 'rea'lo*2e' hair -a*2 isn<t A%st 1or 1ashion) #t<s *olors) The 2in' o1 *olors that say she *an +a2e one phone *all an' Ogre an' *o+pany will .anish) !loo'ily) Nell glan*es at +e one last ti+e5 then lea's the way o%t5 tossing a -ill on the -ar) 0er .api' 1rien's an' asshole -oy1rien' 1ollow her5 -%t the Ogre stops in the 'oorway to stare holes in +y hea')

# stare -a*2 %ntil he t%rns away an' lea.es) # get -a*2 on the stage an' 1i''le with the t%ning on +y g%itar) :elly *o+es o%t 1ro+ -ehin' the -ar an' 1a*es +e) E(hat the hell was that5 Colt7G # shr%g) E/o+eone # 2now)G E$o% were rea'y to throw 'own)G E0e was h%rting her)G E/he was letting hi+)G EDoesn<t +a2e it right)G # 1ish +y *apo o%t o1 the *ase an' 1it it on the strings) :elly eyes +e warily) ENo5 it 'oesn<t) !%t i1 she lets hi+5 it<s

her -%siness) # 'on<t nee' tro%-le in +y -ar) 5ou 'on<t nee' tro%-le5 perio')G :elly<s han' to%*hes +y ar+5 a rare +o+ent o1 *onta*t -etween %s9 part o1 o%r post; *oital 1rien'ship *ontra*t is no to%*hing) EColt6yo%<re 'oing really goo') Don<t 1%*2 it %p) O2ay7G E0ow wo%l' # 'o that7G :elly gi.es +e a what are you, stupid* loo25 han' on her poppe';o%t hip) E#<.e ne.er seen yo% loo2 that pisse'5 Colt) $o% 'on<t

get pisse') (hi*h +eans she +eans so+ething)G E#t<s *o+pli*ate')G # s*rape the pi*2 along one o1 the strings5 not loo2ing at :elly) E#t<s always *o+pli*ate') ?y point is6yo%<.e got a goo' thing going) $o%<.e le1t all that -ehin'5G she wa.es at the -ar5 at the street -eyon'5 +eaning o%r share' past o1 .iolen*e5 Ean' yo% 'on<t nee' to +a2e tro%-le 1or yo%rsel1 o.er a girl)G E/he<s not A%st a girl)G (ell shit) # 'i' not +ean to say that) :elly narrows her eyes at +e) E# ain<t sai' that)G 0er street a**ent

is *o+ing -a*25 whi*h # 2now how har' she wor2s to 'isg%ise) E#<+ A%s< sayin<J#<+ A%st saying) Don<t +ess it %p) Do what yo% gotta 'o5 -%t6yo% 2now what5 whate.er) Do whate.er yo% want)G # sigh an' 1inally loo2 %p at her) E# hear what yo%<re saying5 /pe*ial :)G # grin at her ol' ni*2na+e) :elly 'oes the ne*2;roll ( dont think so thing) E$o% 'i' not A%st *all +e that)G E# s%re 'i'5 sister)G # 1lash the panty;'ropping grin at her5

whi*h always wor2s) :elly preten's to swoon5 then so*2s +e in the ar+5 har') 0ar' eno%gh to +a2e +y ar+ sting) E/h%t %p an' play a song5 asshole)G /he swaggers away5 an' # 'on<t +in' wat*hing) (e +ay not hoo2 %p any+ore5 -%t it 'oesn<t +ean # *an<t appre*iate the .iew) #++e'iately a1ter that tho%ght5 # 1eel an o'' twinge o1 g%ilt) # see Nell<s 1a*e in +y +in'5 as i1 # owe her 1i'elity) (hi*h # 'on<t) !%t # *an<t sha2e the tho%ght) /o # play the +%si* an' try to 1orget Nell an' her Ogre an' :elly an'

tro%-le an' +e+ories o1 ol' 1ights) QQQ # wal2 the streets a lot) # always ha.e) (hen # was an angry5 ho+eless se.enteen year;ol' lost on the +ean streets o1 0arle+5 it<s all # ha' to 'o) # 'i'n<t 2now shit a-o%t li.ing on the streets5 so # wal2e') # wal2e' to stay o%t o1 tro%-le5 to stay awa2e5 to stay war+) Then5 when # +et T; /hawn an' /plit an' the -oys5 the streets -e*a+e o%r li.elihoo'5 o%r li1e5 o%r t%r1) /o # wal2e' the streets

'oing -%siness) Now5 # wal2 the streets -e*a%se it<s 1a+iliar5 an' *o+1orting) (hen # ha.e to thin2 thro%gh shit5 # wal2) # slip +y g%itar into the so1t *ase an' tie on +y Ti+-erlan's an' wal2) # +ight start at +y apart+ent a-o.e the shop in K%eens an' en' %p in 0arle+ or storia or ?anhattan) # wal2 1or ho%rs5 no iPo'5 no 'estination5 A%st +ile a1ter +ile o1 *row'e' si'ewal2s an' *ra*2e' -la*2top an' towering

s2ys*rapers an' apart+ent -lo*2s an' -a*2 alleys where ol' 1rien's still sling an' s+o2e an' 1ight) Ol' 1rien's5 ol' ene+ies5 people # 'on<t asso*iate with any+ore) !%t they lea.e +e alone5 1rien' or ene+y5 an' let +e wal2) #t<s two a)+)5 #<+ so-er5 +ostly5 an' #<.e got nowhere to -e5 an' #<+ wal2ing) #<+ not rea'y 1or the *ol'5 @%iet apart+ent5 not rea'y to 1inish the -ig -lo*2) #<+ trying to *on.in*e +ysel1 that # sho%l' 1orget Nell) #t<s what #<.e -een

'oing 1or the last two years5 only now it<s e.en har'er -e*a%se # ha.e 1resh i+ages o1 her5 the s*ent o1 her sha+poo in +y nose5 the +e+ory o1 the tingle o1 the sil2 o1 her -ra against +y T;shirt) "resh 2nowle'ge o1 her se'%*ti.e -ea%ty5 the harsh *has+ o1 pain in her heart) /o #<+ not entirely s%rprise' when 3 a)+) sees +e approa*hing her -%il'ing in Tri-e*a) The 'oor to the -%il'ing isn<t lo*2e'5 o''ly) "or reasons # 'on<t *are to

e4a+ine5 #<+ p%shing thro%gh an' %p the stairwell) # hear her .oi*e 1irst) EDan5 #<+ going insi'e) .lone) #<+ tire')G 0is .oi*e is low5 -%t a%'i-le) ECo+e on5 -a-e) (at*h a +o.ie with +e)G /he sighs in e4asperation) E#<+ not st%pi'5 yo% 2now) # 2now what yo% want) n' the answer is no) That hasn<t *hange')G E$et # 2eep hoping)G 0is .oi*e was a+%se' -%t irritate') EThen why are we e.en 'ating7G

E$o% tell +e) #<.e ne.er en*o%rage' yo%) # ne.er sai' we were 'ating) (e<re not) $o% A%st won<t go away) #<+ not going to sleep with yo%5 Dan) Not tonight5 not to+orrow night)G E(hat *an # 'o to *on.in*e yo%7G E!e so+eone else7G 0er .oi*e is sharp an' -iting) #<+ on the lan'ing o1 the 1irst 1light o1 stairs5 han' on the railing5 hea' tilte' %p5 as i1 # *o%l' see the+ thro%gh the stairs) 0e snorts in la%ghter at the -ar-)

E$o%<re s%*h a 1%*2ing tease5 Nell)G The a+%se+ent is gone) E# a+ not)G E$o% are too) $o%<ll 2iss +e5 yo%<ll let +e grope yo%5 yo%<ll go o%t with +e an' all that other shit5 -%t then we get here5 an' yo% *lose 'own)G 0is .oi*e is rising5 getting angry) E#<.e p%t %p with this shit 1or three +onths) #<+ tire' o1 it)G EThen stop p%tting %p with it) Nea.e +e alone) # ha.e ne.er pro+ise' yo% anything) $o%<re a ni*e

eno%gh g%y) $o% *an -e 1%nny when yo%<re not -eing a 'o%*he-ag) !%t this isn<t going anywhere an' it ne.er was)G The silen*e is palpa-le) 0e<s pisse'5 e.en # *an 1eel it 1ro+ a 1light o1 stairs away) # hear a 2ey in a lo*25 a 'oor 2notwist) EFoo'-ye5 Dan)G Then a hiss 1ro+ her5 *ontaine' pain) E# 'on<t thin2 so5 -a-e) # ha.en<t p%t three +onths o1 wor2 into yo%5 -%ying yo%r 'rin2s an' yo%r l%n*hes an' yo%r *o11ee A%st to

get '%+pe' now5 with nothing to show 1or it)G E/orry5 Dan) # ne.er as2e' yo% to 'o that st%11) #n 1a*t5 # tol' yo% not to5 an' yo% insiste')G E#t<s *alle' -eing a gentle+an)G ENo5 it<s *alle' e4pe*ting +e to p%t o%t in e4*hange 1or 1ree 'rin2s) Now let go)G # hear a 1oot th%+p against woo'5 an' 'oor hinges *rea2 open5 sh%11le'5 st%+-ling steps) ENi2e # sai'5 Nell) # 'on<t thin2 so) # 1eel li2e wat*hing a +o.ie) #<ll e.en let yo% pi*2)G E/ay what yo% +ean5 Dan)G 0er

.oi*e is har'5 -%t # *an hear the 1ear) E#s that how yo% want it7 "ine5 then5 -a-e) (e<re gonna go insi'e an' we<re gonna ha.e a goo' ti+e together) $o%<re gonna show +e how sweet yo%r -o'y is5 an' how ni*e yo% *an -e)G ENo) Fet o%t)G s*%11le) s+a*2 o1 han' on 1lesh) Dan<s la%ghter5 a+%se' an' *r%el) E/+a*2ing +e isn<t going to help5 -it*h)G whi+per o1 pain an' 1ear5 an' then #<+ seeing re'5 *reeping %p

the stairs) Ol' ha-its 'ie har'9 #<.e got -rass 2n%*2les on +y 1ist5 whi*h # ne.er really nee'e'5 -%t they *a+e in han'y an' # always *arry the+ -e*a%se yo% ne.er what *o%l' happen on the streets o1 New $or25 e.en to +e) #<+ at her 'oor5 *lose' now) # hear str%ggles5 +%11le') EK%it 1ighting +e an' #<ll -e gentle)G ?other1%*2er is gonna 'ie) The 2no- twists silently in +y han'5 an' the hinges *rea25 -%t the so%n' is lost -eneath Nell<s whi+pers an' Dan<s la%ghter as

he hol's her in pla*e an' 1%+-les ro%ghly with her s2irt an' panties) /he sees +e5 an' her eyes wi'en) Dan sees her rea*tion5 t%rns an' straightens in ti+e to +eet +y 1ist) 0e<s a to%gh sono1a-it*h5 #<ll gi.e hi+ that) Not +any +en *an stan' %p a1ter #<.e hit the+5 espe*ially with -rass 2n%*2les a''ing 1or*e) 0is 1a*e is +as2 o1 -loo'5 an' -one shows white on his 1orehea') 0is +o%th sprea's in a ri*t%s o1 pri+al glee) EColtonH NOH 0e<ll 2ill yo%HG Nell is pani*2e'5 shrie2ing)

0e wipes his eyes with his ar+ an' ta2es a step towar' +e5 ass%+es a 1ighting stan*e) E$o% 'on<t wat*h M"C5 'o yo%7G 0e s+iles at +e5 an' # 2now #<.e -itten o11 a pretty -ig *h%n2 in tangling with hi+) # 'o re*ogniCe hi+5 now) Dan /i2ors2y5 hea.yweight M"C *onten'er) !r%tal -astar') O%+ors are he 2ille' a g%y in a -a*2 alley -are;2n%*2le -o4ing +at*h) # grin -a*2 at hi+) # was s*o%te' -y the M"C too) # t%rne' the+ 'own) # 'on<t 1ight 1or +oney any+ore) The -rass 2n%*2les go

-a*2 in +y po*2et) # glan*e at Nell) E#<ll -e 1ine) !%t what the 1%*2 are yo% 'oing with a g%y li2e hi+7G /he see+s p%CCle') s i1 she *an<t @%ite -elie.e +y non*halant tone in the 1a*e o1 a -r%iser li2e Dan) # 1lash her a *o*2y grin whi*h # 'on<t @%ite 1eel) 0e r%shes +e5 an' Nell s*rea+s) #t<s a slow5 *l%+sy r%sh5 tho%gh) 0e telegraphs his p%n*h with his eyes an' his whole 'e+eanor) 0e<s %se' to *r%shing with the 1irst -low an' that<s that) # a+ too5

so # 2now the 1eeling when it 'oesn<t wor2) Too2 a 1ew ass; -eatings -e1ore # learne' to *o%nter it) D%*26whiff) #<+ not 1ighting 1air) This isn<t M"C) # plant +y 2nee in his 'iaphrag+5 *l%t*h his hea' in +y pal+s an' p%ll his 1a*e 'own to +y rising 2nee) /ho.e hi+ -a*2) :i*2 hi+ in the -alls5 twi*e5 har') Cr%sh his 2i'ney with a pair o1 Aa*2ha++er p%n*hes5 +ash his alrea'y -ro2en nose with +y 1orehea') 0e gets his 1ist in +y shirt5 an' #

2now #<+ in 1or pain) 0e<s a -erser2er) # -lo*2 the 1irst 1ew -lows5 -%t then they<re *o+ing in too 1ast5 an' go'damn the g%y *an hit har') Nell is still s*rea+ing) Ogre;-oy is a -loo'y +ess5 an' now so a+ #) !%t he<s wor2ing on rage an' -erser2er 1%ry5 whi*h will 1a'e soon) #<+ in the *ol' 1%ry phase) #<+ in pain5 -%t #<.e ta2en worse -eatings an' still won the 1ight) !y whi*h # +ean5 wal2e' away on +y own power) 0e won<t -e)

# 1inally get his 1ist o%t o1 +y shirt -y .irt%e o1 ripping the shirt o11) # spare a glan*e at her) ENell) /h%t %p)G /he goes silent i++e'iately5 s%*2s in a -reath as i1 realiCing where she is5 what<s happening) Then she spins on her heel5 'igs in a 2it*hen 'rawer an' slin2s %p -ehin' Dan with a giant 2ni1e in her han') /he presses the -la'e to Dan<s throat) E3no%gh)G /he 'oesn<t nee' to yell) The 2ni1e spea2s lo%'

eno%gh) Dan goes still) E$o% 'on<t want to 'o that5 Nell)G 0is eyes are 'ea'ly) 0er 'ress is rippe' open 'own the 1ront5 her panties torn partially o11) 0er lip is -lee'ing an' she has -r%ises on her ar+s an' throat) # 'on<t want her to 2ill hi+) That<s a lot o1 tro%-le neither o1 %s nee') E/trangely5 # agree with the Ogre5 here5G # say) ENet +e 1inish this)G Nell sni*2ers at the na+e) EOgre)

"itting)G /he +eets +y eyes5 then rela4es the 2ni1e) (hi*h was a +ista2e) The instant the -la'e +o.es away5 Dan -ats her han' to the si'e5 spins in pla*e5 an' p%n*hes her5 2no*2ing her 1lying) E!it*h5G he growls5 an' t%rns to +e) O1 *o%rse5 # 'i'n<t spen' those +o+ents i'le either) !rass 2n%*2les go -a*2 on5 an' #<+ not hol'ing -a*2 any+ore) The se*on' # saw those -r%ises on her5 # was gone) #<+ a street th%g again5 an

en1or*er) 34*ept this is 'i11erent9 he h%rt Nell) 0e 'oesn<t stan' a *han*e) (ithin +o+ents5 he<s a -loo'y5 -ro2en +ess on Nell<s 1loor) #<.e got so+e ten'er ri-s5 a -ro2en nose5 split lips an' *%ts on +y *hee2-ones5 a loosene' tooth) !loo' is e.erywhere) # p%ll +y phone o%t5 'ial a n%+-er5 wipe +y 1a*e *lean with a paper towel) E0ey /plit5 it<s Colt) # ha.e a pro-le+)G # e4plain the pro-le+ an' spit o%t the a''ress)

E$eah5 in Tri-e*a) /h%t %p +other1%*2er) &%st *o+e get the -astar' an' +a2e s%re he 'oesn<t -other her again) Than2s)G Nell is stan'ing %p5 'a--ing at her +o%th5 wo--ling) # 'art a*ross to *at*h her as she st%+-les) # pi*2 her %p5 set her on the *o%nter li2e a *hil'5 wrap so+e i*e in a paper towel an' press it to her 1a*e where he hit her) "ort%nately5 he wasn<t st%pi' eno%gh to hit her 1%ll;1or*e5 A%st a little tap to sh%t her %p) /he<ll ha.e a -r%ise5 -%t

that<s it) /he<s wooCy5 -leary eye'5 -%t she *lears %p soon) Dan +oans -ehin' +e5 re+in'ing her o1 the pro-le+) /he straightens in 1ear at the so%n' o1 his .oi*e5 peers o.er +y sho%l'er at the *h%n2 o1 -loo'y -ee1 that is Dan /i2ors2y) /he loo2s slowly 1ro+ hi+ to +e) E(hat 'i' yo% 'o7G # '%*2 +y hea'5 e+-arrasse') E# sort o1 lost +y te+per)G E(ill he 'ie7G /he says it *al+ly) # shr%g) ENot in yo%r li.ing roo+)G

/he narrows her lo.ely eyes at +e) E(hat<s that +ean7G @%iet rap on the 'oor has her shrin2ing against +e) E(ho<s that7G # p%ll the tattere' re+ains o1 her 'ress *lose') E 1rien' o1 +ine) Fo get in the shower5 h%h7G E 1rien'7G /he sli'es o11 the *o%nter an' +o.es to open the 'oor) # stop her) E#<ll ta2e *are o1 it5 o2ay7G /he narrows her eyes again5 .anishes into her roo+ an' *loses the 'oor -ehin' her) # let /plit in) 0e<s not a -ig g%y5 -%t he<s

s*ary) ?e'i%+ height5 lean an' tone'5 s2in -la*2 as night5 .i-rantly white teeth an' eyes so light -rown they<re al+ost 2ha2i) 3yes yo% *an<t loo2 at too long or yo%<ll piss yo%rsel1) 3yes that see yo%r se*rets an' threaten to +a2e yo%r night+ares *o+e tr%e) 0e ra'iates intensity an' e4%'es threat) #<+ gla' he<s +y 1rien'5 +ainly -e*a%se #<.e seen what happens to his ene+ies: they .anish) 0e glan*es 'own at Dan) EThe

1%*2 happene' to hi+7G Nell *o+es o%t in a *lean T;shirt an' yoga pants) EColton was helping +e)G E(ho<re yo%7G /plit says) ENell 0awthorne) This is +y apart+ent)G /he e4ten's her han' to sha2e /plit<s) 0e loo2s at her o%tstret*he' han' li2e it<s an inse*t5 then *ra*2s a rare s+ile as he sha2es it) E/plit)G 0e peers at Nell<s 1a*e5 at the p%rpling -r%ise5 the 1inger +ar2s on her throat5 the way she *l%t*hes her ar+s aro%n' her +i''le) E0e try to rape yo%7G

Nell no's) E0is na+e is Dan /i2ors2y5G # say5 2nowing /plit will p%t two an' two together) /plit<s eyes wi'en slightly5 the e@%i.alent o1 a gasp o1 s%rprise 1ro+ anyone else) E# saw hi+ 1ight 0an2 Tre+aine a 1ew wee2s ago 'own in 0arle+) "%*2e' 0an2 %p goo') $o% 'i' this7G 0e 2neels 'own5 n%'ges Dan o.er onto his -a*25 e4a+ines his inA%ries with a pro1essional eye) E$o% 'one a n%+-er on hi+5 Colt) 0e nee's a 'o*tor5 or he ain<t gonna +a2e

it)G E0e trie' to rape her5 /plit) Then he p%n*he' her)G ETo -e 1air5G Nell p%ts in5 E0e only p%n*he' +e a1ter # p%t a 2ni1e to his throat)G /plit *o%ghs a la%gh) E$o% what7 Firl5 yo% *raCy) Don<t p%t a 2ni1e to a g%y li2e Dan /i2ors2y an' not 2ill hi+) s2ing 1or tro%-le p%llin< shit li2e that)G E/he<s 1ro+ the Detroit s%-%r-s5 /plit) (here # grew %p) /he<s .anilla)G 0e no's) E# get*ha) &%st saying5 in *ase there<s a ne4t ti+e) Don<t threaten what yo% won<t 1inish)

Not with +other1%*2ers li2e /i2or2sy) 0e<ll 2ill yo%5 e.en i1 yo% are a ri*h white -it*h)G E34*%se +e7G Nell straightens in protest) /plit glan*es at +e) # la%gh) E0e A%st +eans a white girl) Not 1ro+ the hoo')G EThe hoo'7G /he says it li2e it<s a 1oreign wor') E n' yo% are 1ro+ the hoo'5 Colton7G /plit la%ghs again) EColton7G 0e says the na+e how she 'i'5 *learly en%n*iating ea*h sylla-le) E?an5 she so+ething else) (here<' yo% 1in' her7G 0e loo2s at Nell) E$eah5 he 1ro+ the hoo')

?y -oy Colt is a OF 1ro+ way -a*2)G Nell +a2es a *on1%se' 1a*e) EOF7G /plit A%st -lows a la%gh past his lips5 a h%11 o1 air) E$o% so+ething else5 +an)G 0e p%lls o%t a phone an' sen's a te4t5 then glan*es -a*2 at Nell) E$o% hol'ing %p alright5 white girl7G Nell<s 1a*e is i+passi.e) E#<+ 1ine)G /plit no's5 -%t # *an tell he 'oesn<t -elie.e her any +ore than # 'o) # step *loser to Nell

an' # 'on<t +iss the 1a*t that she tenses5 e.en tho%gh it<s +e) EFo ta2e a shower5 Nell) #t<ll help)G E# 'on<t nee' help)G 0er .oi*e is har'5 st%--orn) # la%gh5 -%t not %n2in'ly) E$o% want to 'eal with hi+ on yo%r own then7G # gest%re at Dan5 who is *ho2ing on his -loo') /plit t%rns hi+ o.er so he 'rools it o%t on the har'woo' 1loor) Nell pales5 tre+-les) E?ay-e a shower so%n's goo')G E$eah) ll this will -e gone when yo% get o%t)G

# see pani* 1lit a*ross her 1a*e) E$o% won<t -e gone5 will yo%7G EDo yo% want +e to go7G /he sha2es her hea'5 a tiny5 .%lnera-le +otion that +a2es +y heart -lee' a little +ore 1or her) EThen #<ll -e here) &%st6go ta2e a hot shower)G /he no's an' 'isappears into the -e'roo+) # hear the shower t%rn on5 an' # try not to pi*t%re her in there) That<s not what she nee's right now) /plit *ro%*hes at Dan<s 1eet) EFet his sho%l'ers5 Colt)G # -en' an' li1t hi+5 an' we *arry

hi+ 'own the stairs an' o%t to /plit<s waiting *ar) *o%ple passes %s -y5 gi.es %s an o'' loo25 -%t sin*e this is New $or25 they 'on<t say anything) (e toss hi+ %ngently in the -a*2 seat an' *lose the 'oor) /plit opens the 'ri.er<s si'e 'oor an' sli'es in5 -%t 'oesn<t *lose it) E/he 'on<t -elong in this worl'5 Colt)G 0e 'oesn<t loo2 at +e as he says it) E# 2now)G ENeither 'o yo%) $o% ne.er 'i')G E# 2now that too)G

E# li2e yo%5 white -oy) Don<t get s%*2e' -a*2 in) $o%<ll en' %p 'ea'5 an' then who<ll 1i4 +y ri'e when it -%sts7G /plit starts the *ar5 an' it r%+-les to li1e) #t<s a li+e green <73 !onne.ille with the original engine5 restore' -y yo%rs tr%ly) #t<s a -ea%ty5 an' #<.e always -een a -it Aealo%s) 0e -o%ght it o11 so+e little ol' la'y o%t in Oo*hester 1or a tho%san' 'ollars an' he an' # spent a s%++er restoring it together) Di'n<t ta2e +%*h5 sin*e the little ol' la'y ha' -arely e.er 'ri.en it a1ter her

h%s-an' 'ie') 0e -rings it to +e when he nee's a t%ne %p or so+ething5 -%t really5 it<s his way o1 2eeping in to%*h with +e) E# won<t5 /plit)G E(hat yo% want +e to 'o with 'i*2hea' Dan7G E# 'on<t 2now5 an' # 'on<t want to 2now) 0e 'eser.es to *ho2e to 'eath on his own 1%*2ing teeth5 -%t # 'on<t want that on +y *ons*ien*e)G ENo shit) $o% got eno%gh on -loo' on that -it*h)G # la%gh) EThan2s 1or the re+in'er)G

E&%st 2eeping it real)G 0e *loses his 'oor an' rolls 'own the win'ow) E#<ll stop -y the shop an' let yo% 2now i1 he +a2es it)G EDon<t) &%st +a2e s%re he 'oesn<t *o+e -a*2 aro%n' here)G /plit s+iles at +e5 a 1lash o1 white teeth in 'ar2 s2in) E# 'on<t thin2 that<ll -e a pro-le+)G 0e p%lls the gear shi1ter 'own into ID<5 -%t pa%ses still) EThe pro-le+ is5 he<s s%ppose' to 1ight l.areC ne4t wee25 an' # ha' a gran' on l.areC)G

# la%gh) E l.areC 'i'n<t stan' a *han*e5 so # A%st sa.e' yo% a gran') 0e was a 'i*25 -%t he was a to%gh +other1%*2er)G E$o% +isse' yo%r *alling5 Colt) $o%<'<.e *leane' %p in the M"C)G # sha2e +y hea') E#<+ well sh%t o1 all that shit)G E# 2now it5 # 2now it) &%st saying)G 0e hol's his 1ist o%t5 an' # -%+p it with +ine) ECall +e5 'og) (e<re past '%e 1or so+e *ol' ones)G E"or s%re) ?ay-e Th%rs'ay)G

E# *o%l' 'o Th%rs'ay) Fot so+e shit early5 -%t that<s it)G # no' an' he 'ri.es o11) # open Nell<s 'oor an' go in5 singing a song so she<' 2now it was +e) The shower was still r%nning5 telling +e she was pro-a-ly s*r%--ing the shit o%t o1 her s2in) Trying to get the 1eeling o11) /he<ll -e in there till the water r%ns *ol') #<.e seen too +any 1rien's go thro%gh this5 1rien's # *o%l'n<t -e there to sa.e) # too2 a new roll o1 paper towel 1ro+ %n'er the sin2 an' her

-ottle o1 win'e4) "ort%nately5 she ha' woo' 1loors) #t<s easier to get -loo' o11 woo' than *arpet) # sop %p the -loo'5 spray an' s*r%- the woo'5 then 1in' an ol' -ottle o1 Ple'ge that she +%st %se on her 2it*hen ta-le) # spray the 1loor an' s*r%- so+e +ore) Then # wipe the walls an' e.erywhere else) 3.ent%ally5 the water t%rns o11 an' the +ess is gone) Nell *o+es o%t with wet5 stringy hair5 *la' in only a long Disney T;shirt that -arely *o+es to +i';thigh) # *len*h +y Aaw an' thin2 o1 'ea'

p%ppies an' n%ns an' that ti+e # wal2e' in on +y gran'+a in the shower as a 2i') #t only helps +arginally) /he loo2s +ore .%lnera-le than e.er an' #<+ a*ross the roo+ an' wrapping +y ar+s aro%n' her -e1ore # 2now what #<+ 'oing) /he 'oesn<t tense this ti+e) /he -reathes 'eeply5 long5 stea'y5 e.en -reaths) E#t<s o2ay to *ry5G # say) /he sha2es her hea') ENo) #t<s not)G E$o% were A%st assa%lte') $o%<re

allowe')G E# 2now) !%t # won<t) # *an<t)G /he p%shes away 1ro+ +e an' goes into the 2it*hen) # ta2e the -ottle o1 &a*2 1ro+ her han' -e1ore she *an 'rin2 1ro+ it) E#<+ not s%re that<s the -est way)G /he Aer2s it away an' li1ts it5 -%t # ta2e it again) E#t won<t go away 1ore.er) #t A%st *o+es -a*2)G E# 2now)G /he rea*hes 1or it5 an' # hol' it o%t o1 rea*h5 snag a *o%ple A%i*e glasses 1ro+ her *a-inet an' po%r genero%s shots) E# nee' +ore than that)G ENo yo% 'on<t)G

/he t%rns on +e5 eyes all gray now5 li2e stor+ *lo%'s5 angry) EDon<t tell +e what # nee'H $o% 'on<t 2now +e)G E!%t # 2now a-o%t 'rowning pain with whis2ey) #t stops wor2ing a1ter awhile) n' then there<s not eno%gh whis2ey in the worl')G E$o% weren<t A%st rape')G E l+ost rape') # stoppe' hi+) #<+ sorry # wasn<t sooner5 -%t there<s a h%ge 'i11eren*e -etween rape' an' almost rape')G 0er eyes -laCe an' # hol' %p +y

han's) ENot saying this is 1ine) #t<s not 1ine) $o%<re allowe' to 1eel what yo%<re 1eeling) #<+ A%st saying5 *h%gging whis2ey won<t erase what happene')G E(hat the 1%*2 'o yo% 2now)G /he sla+s the shot an' presses the glass to her 1orehea'5 then hol's o%t the glass 1or +ore) That<s when # see the s*ars) *rosshat*h pattern o1 1ine white lines an' ri'ges on her wrists an' 1orear+s) Not 'isg%ise'5 not hi''en) /o+e ol'5 so+e not so

ol') n' so+e 1resh) /till; s*a--ing 1resh) /he sees +e see5 li1ts her *hin an' 'ares +e to as2) # 'on<t as2) #<+ still not wearing a shirt5 so # point to +y *hest5 to +y pe*torals an' -reast-one an' sto+a*h5 to a si+ilar 1iel' o1 s*ars li2e win'tangle' wheat stal2s) #<.e tattooe' o.er so+e5 %tiliCe' others in tattoos5 an' le1t others -are an' .isi-le) /he rea*hes o%t with her 1ore1inger5 tra*es the+5 one s*ar a1ter another) /o+e short5 li2e tally +ar2s) /o+e are tally +ar2s:

'ays s%r.i.e' in the pit5 +at*hes won) /he tra*es the s*ars5 the long ones 'one 1or the sa2e o1 the pain5 1or the release) $eah) # 2now why she *%ts) # A%st 'on<t 2now the see';reason) #t<s 'eep insi'e her5 an' it<ll ta2e ti+e an' patien*e to get it o%t o1 her) n' #<ll pro-a-ly en' %p telling her +y reasons5 too) (hi*h # really 'on<t want to 'o) /he loo2s %p at +e5 an' her eyes are so1t5 1%ll o1 %n'erstan'ing) E$o% *%t7G EMse' to)G E(hy7G

# sha2e +y hea') EThat<s a story 1or another night5 an' it *o+es with a pri*e)G /he tenses) E pri*e7G E$o%r story)G /he -lows o%t a sigh o1 relie1) E$o% 2now the story)G ENot all o1 it) Not the 'eep st%115 the shit that *o+es 1ro+ -eneath5 in the sha'ows in yo%r heart)G ENo one 2nows that)G 0er .oi*e is -arely e.en a whisper5 an' go''a+n it i1 it<s not se'%*ti.e an' s%ltry an' .%lnera-le all at on*e) E$eah5 well5 no one 2nows a-o%t this5 either)G # tap +y *hest with

+y th%+-) E pri*e) tra'e)G /he<s +otionless5 an in*h away 1ro+ +e5 ea*h -reath *a%sing her -reasts to -r%sh +y *hest5 the s*ars5 the in2) # no') E!%t not now) Now5 yo% ta2e one +ore shot with +e5 an' yo% wat*h st%pi'5 +in'less TP) n' then yo% 1all asleep an' yo% stay ho+e to+orrow)G E# *an<t) # ha.e *lass) # ha.e wor2)G ECall o11) /ay yo%<re si*2)G E#JG # *%t her o11) ECall in5 Nell)G

E$o% *an<t stay here all night with +e)G E(hy not7G /he stares at her toes5 *hippe' pin2 polish) E$o% A%st *an<t)G E#<ll -e on the *o%*h) $o%<ll -e in yo%r roo+ with the 'oor *lose')G ENo)G nother whisper) E(hy not7G E#t<s6part o1 the tra'e)G se*ret5 she +eans) EThen #<ll sleep on the 1loor o%tsi'e yo%r apart+ent) $o%<re not going to -e alone tonight)G E#<+ 1ine5 Colton)G

E!%llshit) $o%<re not 1ine)G /he shr%gs) ENo) !%t #<+ 1ine)G # la%gh at that) ENoo2 at +e)G /he sha2es her hea' no5 *hews her lip5 an' # want to ta2e that lip in +y +o%th an' s%*2 it %ntil the teeth +ar2s are soothe' away) # want to *hew her lip 1or her) # want to taste her tong%e) # want to r%n +y han's %n'er the silly5 girly5 *hil'ish5 'o%-le;TN 7ilo and Stitch shirt an' 1eel her s2in an' her *%r.es an' her sweet so1tness) # 'o none o1 this) # A%st stare at her5 then to%*h her *hin with +y

in'e4 1inger5 li1t her hea' to +eet +y eyes) /he *loses her eyes5 an' # *an see the +oist%re) /he<s 'eep;-reathing again5 an' # noti*e her han's are *l%t*he' aro%n' the opposing wrists5 nails 'igging in 'eep5 har'5 s*rat*hing) Pain to repla*e pain) # %se as +%*h gentle 1or*e as # possess to pry her 1ingers o%t o1 her s2in5 t%rn the+ so they<re gripping +y 1orear+s) # p%ll her against +e5 o%r ar+s -arre' .erti*ally -etween %s5 an' her 1ingernails 'ig into +y ar+s) /he lets go a1ter a +o+ent an'

A%st hol's +y 1orear+s in her han's) E#t<s not the sa+e) Ca%sing yo% pain 'oesn<t help +ine)G /he whispers the wor's against +y sho%l'er5 the right one5 the one with the &apanese 'ragon -reathing 1ire on 2anAi) E#t wasn<t s%ppose' to) #t was A%st s%ppose' to stop yo% 1ro+ h%rting yo%rsel1)G E#t helpsJG ENo it 'oesn<t) #t A%st p%shes it away te+porarily) &%st li2e the -ooCe)G E!%t # nee'JG E$o% nee' to let yo%rsel1 1eel)

"eel it5 own it) Then +o.e on)G E$o% +a2e it so%n' so easy)G !itterness 'rips 1ro+ ea*h sylla-le) E#t<s not) #t<s the 1%*2ing har'est thing a person *an 'o)G # s+ooth a 'a+p ringlet o%t o1 her 1a*e an' away 1ro+ +y +o%th) E#t<s the har'est 1%*2ing thing) #t<s why we 'rin2 an' 'o 'r%gs an' 1ight) #t<s why # play +%si* an' -%il' engines)G /he p%lls away 1ro+ +e) E$o% -%il' engines7G # la%gh) E$eah) ?%si* is a ho--y) passion) # re-%il' engines an'

restore *lassi* *ars) That<s what pays the -ills) Don<t get +e wrong5 #<+ passionate a-o%t *ars too5 -%t it<s 'i11erent)G EDo yo% wor2 1or so+eone7G ENo5 # own +y own shop in K%eens)G EOeally7G /he so%n's s%rprise'5 whi*h # a*t%ally 1in' a little ins%lting5 -%t 'on<t say anything) EOeally)G ECan # see yo%r shop7G 0er .oi*e is -right an' hope1%l) ENow7G E$es5 now) # *an<t -e here) # 2eep seeing Dan) # 2eep6# 2eep 1eeling his han's on +e5 2eep

seeing hi+ on the 1loor right there5 -lee'ing)G /he points to where he was laying) /he<s @%iet 1or a long +o+ent5 an' # 2now what<s *o+ing ne4t) E#s he6is he 'ea'7G ENo) Don<t worry a-o%t hi+ any+ore) 0e got what he 'eser.e')G E$o% h%rt hi+ really -a')G E# sho%l' ha.e 2ille' hi+) # *o%l' ha.e) #1 he<'6G # sha2e +y hea') E#t<s 'one) "orget it)G E# sho%l' ha.e seen it *o+ing)G The wor's 'on<t s%rprise +e5 -%t

they piss +e o11) # p%ll away an' glare 'own at her) EDon<t yo% 1%*2ing 'are5 Nell 0awthorne) Don<t yo% 'are p%t this on yo%rsel1) $o% sho%l' ne.er ha.e to see shit li2e this *o+ing)G /he -a*2s away5 st%nne' an' a1rai' -y the intensity # 2now is ra'iating o11 +e) EColton5 # A%st +eant he<s always shownJG E/top) &%st stop right there) Frante'5 yo% sho%l'<.e ne.er gotten in.ol.e' with a 'o%*hetar' hi+5

-%t that<s no e4*%se 1or what he 'i')G # p%ll her -a*2 against +e) /he resists) E re yo% a1rai' o1 +e now7G # as25 to *hange the s%-Ae*t) E little) $o% were6s*ary) $o% A%st6yo% destroyed hi+) 3.en a1ter he hit yo%) n' #<.e seen hi+ 1ight)G # glan*e 'own at her in sho*2) E$o% +ean on TP7G /he sha2es her hea') ENo5 the other 1ights) The %n'ergro%n' ones) The ones that yo%r 1rien' was tal2ing a-o%t) #n 0arle+)G

E$o% went to those 1ights7G #<+ sho*2e') /t%nne') 0orri1ie') Those are -r%tal5 .ile5 .i*io%s 1ights) ngry5 so%lless +en 'estroying ea*h other) # sho%l' 2now) E$eah) # 'i'n<t li2e it .ery +%*h)G E#<' hope not) They<re e.il)G # try to 2eep +y .oi*e ne%tral) Mns%**ess1%lly5 -y the *li*2 o1 %n'erstan'ing # see *ross her 1a*e) E$o%<.e 1o%ght in the+)G EMse' to)G E(hy7G 0er .oi*e is tiny) # sha2e +y hea') EThat<s part o1 the tra'e5 -a-e)G

/he sh%''ers) E-ont *all +e -a-e)G 0er .oi*e is @%iet -%t intense) E/orry)G E#t<s 1ine) #t<s A%st what DanJG E# 2now) # hear')G # p%ll -a*2 so we<re loo2ing into ea*h other<s eyes) E nswer the @%estion5 tho%gh) re yo% a1rai' o1 +e7G E# 'i' answer) # sai' a little) #<+ a1rai' o1 what yo% *an 'o) # +ean5 # 1eel sa1e with yo%5 tho%gh) # 2now yo%<' ne.er h%rt +e)G # ta2e her 1a*e in +y han's) #t<s too 1a+iliar5 too a11e*tionate5 too soon) # *an<t help it tho%gh) E&%st

the opposite) # will prote*t yo%) "ro+ others an' 1ro+ yo%rsel1) lways)G E(hy7G !arely a%'i-le5 E!e*a%se # want to) !e*a%se6G # str%ggle to 1in' the right wor's) E!e*a%se yo% 'eser.e it5 an' yo% nee' it)G ENo # 'on<t)G E$es yo% 'o)G /he sha2es her hea') ENo) # 'on<t 'eser.e it)G # sigh5 2nowing # won<t win -y arg%ing) E/h%t %p5 Nell)G /he la%ghs5 a tin2ling giggle that +a2es +e s+ile into her hair) E/o) re yo% gonna show +e

yo%r shop7G E#t<s 1o%r in the +orning) (e<re in Tri-e*a an' +y shop is in K%eens) The 1ar si'e o1 K%eens) Pl%s5 # 'on<t ha.e a *ar here) # wal2e' here 1ro+ the -ar)G E$o% walked here7 $o%<re *raCyH That<s li2e twenty -lo*2s)G # shr%g) E# li2e to wal2)G E/o we<ll ta2e a *a-)G E$o% really want to see +y shop that -a'7G E$eah) n' # really 'on<t want to -e here)G /he sh%''ers again5 re+e+-ering) E(ell then5 yo%<ll nee' pants)G

/he 'oes the giggle again5 whi*h # 'e*i'e *all the Tin2er-ell giggle) ENah) Pants are 1or sissies)G /he p%lls away an' 'isappears into her roo+) ENo pee2ing this ti+e5 Per.y ?*Fee)G EThen *lose yo%r 'oor5 '%+-ass)G The 'oor sla+s in response5 an' # la%gh) #<+ gla' she *an la%gh) #t +eans she really is *oping) # 2now she<s internaliCing a lot5 tho%gh) P%tting on a show 1or +e) /he<ll ha.e new s*ars on her wrists soon)

/he *o+es o%t in a pair o1 Aeans an' p%rple P;ne*2 T;shirt) # ha.e to 2eep +y gaCe +o.ing so # 'on<t stare) /he 'oesn<t nee' +y 'esire5 right now) ?ay-e not e.er) /he gra-s her p%rse 1ro+ the *o%nter where #<' set it a1ter *leaning %p) # e4ten' +y han' to her) ECo+e on5 Tin2er-ell)G /he ta2es +y han'5 then pa%ses at the ni*2na+e) ETin2er-ell7G E$o%r la%gh) That little giggle yo% 'o) #t re+in's +e o1 Tin2er-ell)G # shr%g) /he 'oes the giggle -y a**i'ent5

then *laps a han' o.er her +o%th) EDa+n it) Now yo% ha.e +e sel1;*ons*io%s) $o% *an *all +e Tin2er-ell5 tho%gh)G EDon<t -e sel1;*ons*io%s) # thin2 it<s *%te)G /he wrin2les her nose at +e as she lo*2s her 'oor -ehin' %s) EC%te7 #s that a goo' thing7G # li1t an eye-row at her) EThere<s a lot o1 wor's # *o%l' thin2 o1 1or yo%) Net<s A%st go with *%te 1or now)G E(hat<s that +ean7G /he<s hol'ing +y han' platoni*;style5

pal+ in pal+) # 1lag a passing *a- with a lit sign an' we sli'e in) # gi.e hi+ +y a''ress an' wat*h hi+ p%t it into a To+ To+) (hen we<re +o.ing an' the wa.ery tones o1 the 'ri.er<s ra-i* +%si* 1loats o.er %s5 # t%rn to Nell) E/%re yo% want to as2 that7G /he li1ts her *hin) E$es)G E$o%<re a lot o1 things5 Nell 0awthorne) $o%<re *o+ple4) $o%<re *%te) $o%<re lo.ely) $o%<re 1%nny) $o%<re strong) $o%<re

-ea%ti1%l)G /he see+s to -e str%ggling with wor's an' e+otions) # 2eep going) E$o%<re tort%re') $o%<re h%rting) $o%<re a+aCing) $o%<re talente') $o%<re se4y as 1%*2)G E/e4y as 1%*27G /he tilts her hea'5 a s+all grin tipping her lips) E$ep)G E#s that +ore or less than se4y as hell7G E?ore) lot +ore)G /he A%st no's) E$o%<re sweet) !%t we +%st not see the sa+e person when we loo2 at +e)G EThat<s pro-a-ly tr%e)G # loo2

'own at o%r Aoine' han's5 then -a*2 to her) # shi1t +y 1ingers5 twine +ine in hers) E(hat 'o yo% see when yo% loo2 at yo%rsel17G E(ea2) /*are') Dr%n2) ngry) Mgly) O%nning)G /he t%rns away 1ro+ +e as she says this5 staring o%t the win'ow) E# see nothing) No one)G # 2now there aren<t wor's to *hange how she 1eels5 so # 'on<t o11er any) # A%st hol' her han' an' let the silen*e e4ten' thro%gh the -lo*2s) /he t%rns to +e5 e.ent%ally)

E(hy 'on<t yo% arg%e with +e when # say shit li2e that7 (hy 'on<t yo% try to *on.in*e +e o1 +y own worth an' all that -%llshit7G E(o%l' it wor27G # as2) /he narrows her eyes5 then sha2es her hea') # shr%g) E(ell5 there yo% go) That<s why) # *an tell yo% what # see) # *an tell yo% what # 2now a-o%t yo%) # *an tell how # 1eel) # *an show yo% what yo% really are) !%t arg%ing with yo% won<t a**o+plish anything) # thin2 we<.e -oth

ha' o%r share o1 people trying to 1i4 %s) #t 'oesn<t wor2) (e *an only 1i4 o%rsel.es) Net o%rsel.es heal)G E!%t #<+ not any o1 what yo% sai') #<+ A%st not) n' # *an<t heal +ysel1) # *an<t6# *an<t -e 1i4e')G E$o%<re *o++itte' to -eing -ro2en 1ore.er7G EFo''a+n it5 Colton) (hy are yo% 'oing this7 $o% 'on<t 2now +e)G E# want to)G #t<s the answer to -oth o1 her state+ents) Chapter 8: "er+ente' Frie1 (e arri.e at +y shop5 an ol'

garage with the 'oor 1a*ing an alley5 a little apart+ent a-o.e) # p%ll +y 2eys 1ro+ +y po*2et5 open the si'e 'oor to the shop5 an' snap on the lights) Cra*2e'5 staine' *on*rete 1loor5 hanging5 1li*2ering 1l%ores*ent lights in warpe' *ages5 sta*2 a1ter sta*2 o1 re' an' sil.er tool *hests along the walls5 *o%nters with +ore tools hanging 1ro+ hoo2s5 *hains 1ro+ the *eiling s%spen'ing engines5 the +etal 1ra+e o1 a <66 ?%stang /hel-y FT5 a *o%ple

h%ge gray plasti* gar-age *ans an' o.er1lowing ashtrays an' a-an'one' -eer -ottles an' piCCa -o4es6 E#t<s not +%*h5 -%t it<s +ine)G # la%gh) E#t<s really5 really not +%*h) # *an<t -elie.e # -ro%ght yo% here) #t<s so 'irty an' %gly)G #<+ seeing it 1or the 1irst ti+e5 in a way) #<.e ne.er -ro%ght a girl here -e1ore) #<.e girls to +y pla*e -e1ore5 -%t they ne.er want to see the shop9 they<re only intereste' in the -e') # loo2 aro%n'5 seeing what she +%st see)

Then she s%rprises +e) E# lo.e it) #t61eels li2e ho+e) #t<s a pla*e that yo% o-.io%sly lo.e)G # stare at her) E#t is ho+e) # +ay sleep %pstairs5 -%t this garage is ho+e) ?ore than yo% 2now)G # thin2 o1 all the ti+es # slept in a sleeping -ag on the 1loor where the ?%stang is now5 -e1ore the apart+ent %pstairs was reno.ate' to -e li.a-le) # -o%ght this pla*e 1or pittan*e5 -e*a%se it was '%+p) OeAe*te'5 a-an'one'5 %nwante') Ni2e +e) # 1i4e' it %p) ?a'e it +ine) /he lets go o1 +y han' an'

wan'ers aro%n' the shop5 p%lling open 'rawers an' e4a+ining tools5 whi*h loo2 -%l2y an' aw2war' an' 'irty in her *lean5 'eli*ate han's) /he always p%ts the tools -a*2 e4a*tly where they were) # won'er i1 she realiCes how anal # a+ a-o%t5 or i1 she<s A%st polite) Pro-a-ly A%st polite) (e really 'on<t 2now ea*h other at all) /he *o%l'n<t 2now a-o%t +y OCD a-o%t the tools) E/how +e what yo% 'o5G /he says)

# shr%g) # point at the engine) EThat engine there)G # wal2 o.er an' r%n +y 1inger aro%n' the opening o1 a piston) E# -o%ght it at a A%n2yar' a 1ew wee2s ago) #t was r%ste' an' 'irty an' r%ine'5 -asi*ally) #t was in an ol' *ar that ha' -een in a wre*25 rear;en'e' an' totale') <77 !arra*%'a) # too2 the engine5 1i4e' the parts # *o%l' 1i45 repla*e' the ones # *o%l'n<t) # too2 it apart *o+pletely5 'own to *o+ponents)G # p%ll the tarp o11 a long5 wi'e ta-le in a *orner5 showing a 'isse*te' +otor5 ea*h part lai'

o%t in a .ery spe*i1i* pattern) ENi2e this) Then # p%t it all -a*2 together5 one pie*e at a ti+e5 %ntil yo% see it there) #t<s al+ost 'one) &%st gotta install a 1ew +ore parts an' it<s 'one5 rea'y to -e p%t into a *ar)G /he loo2s 1ro+ the ta-le to the reasse+-le' +otor) E/o yo% t%rne' thatJG she points at the pie*es on the ta-le5 Einto that7G # shr%g) E$eah) Those are *o+pletely 'i11erent engines5 -%t yeah)G EThat<s a+aCing) 0ow 'o yo%

2now where all the 'i11erent parts go7 0ow to 1i4 the+7G # la%gh) ENots o1 e4perien*e) # 2now 1ro+ ha.ing 'one it a +illion ti+es) ll engines are -asi*ally the sa+e5 A%st with little 'i11eren*es that +a2e ea*h 2in' o1 engine %ni@%e) # too2 +y 1irst +otor apart when # was6thirteen7 O1 *o%rse5 on*e # got it apart5 # *o%l'n<t get it -a*2 together again5 -%t that was part o1 the learning pro*ess) # tin2ere' with that 1%*2e';%p engine 1or +onths5 1ig%ring o%t

how the thing wor2e'5 whi*h parts went where an' what they 'i' an' how to get the+ -a*2 in) 3.ent%ally # 'i' get it -a*2 together an' r%nning5 -%t it too2 +e li2e5 # 'on<t 2now5 +ore than a year o1 'i*2ing aro%n' with it e.ery 'ay) # too2 it apart again5 an' p%t it -a*2 together a1ter that) O.er an' o.er again5 %ntil # *o%l' 'o it witho%t stopping to thin2 a-o%t what *a+e ne4t)G /he tilts her hea') E(here<' yo%

get the engine7G # stare %p at the *eiling5 trying to re+e+-er) E0++) # thin2 # -o%ght it o11 the shop tea*her at the high s*hool) #<' sa.e' +y allowan*e 1or +onths)G /he still loo2s *on1%se' an' # la%gh) E# ha' a t%tor at the high s*hool a1ter *lasses en'e' at the +i''le s*hool) # happene' to wal2 -y the shop one 'ay an' saw the engine an' so+ething A%st *li*2e' as # wat*he' the shop instr%*tor5 ?r) !oy'5 p%ttering

with it) 0e en'e' %p -eing one o1 +y -est 1rien's %ntil # +o.e' o%t here)G Nell is peering at +e as i1 seeing +e 1or the 1irst ti+e) E$o% ha' a t%tor7G # win*e5 wishing she<' ha.e +isse' that part) E$eah) # wasn<t .ery goo' at the whole s*hool thing)G # t%rn away an' throw the tarp o.er the ta-le an' lea' her to the pri.ate stairway lea'ing to +y apart+ent) #t<s +y way o1 politely in'i*ating # 'on<t want to tal2 a-o%t it5 an' she see+s to get the

+essage) /aying # wasn<t .ery goo' at the s*hool thing was a h%ge %n'erstate+ent5 -%t she 'oesn<t nee' to 2now that) #<+ hoping to a.oi' the s%-Ae*t as long as # *an) ?y apart+ent isn<t +%*h) galley 2it*hen # *an -arely 1it in Jli2e5 # *an<t ha.e the sto.e an' the *a-inets opposite open at the sa+e ti+e5 not that # e.er %se the sto.e5 -%t stillJa li.ing roo+ in whi*h # *an A%st a-o%t to%*h all 1o%r walls stan'ing in the *enter5 an' a -e'roo+ that *ontains +y

@%een -e' an' nothing else) ll +y *lothes are in the 'resser5 whi*h is in the li.ing roo+5 an' the 'resser also 'o%-les as the TP stan') Not that # e.er really wat*h TP) # throw +y ar+ o%t to gest%re at the apart+ent) E#t<s e.en less than the shop5 -%t it<s ho+e) #<' say # wo%l' gi.e yo% the ten *ent to%r5 -%t #<' nee' to gi.e yo% nine an' a hal1 *ents -a*2)G /he la%ghs5 the Tin2er-ell giggle5 an' +y heart li1ts) !%t e.en with all the nor+al*y5 the

@%estions5 the interest5 # *an see her 1ighting 1or *al+) /he hi'es it well5 hi'es it li2e a pro) #t<s -%rie' 'eep5 thr%st 'own %n'er the s%r1a*e) # respe*t the hell o%t o1 her 1or how har' she<s wor2ing to -e o2ay) # A%st wish she<' let +e show her how to let go5 how to let hersel1 h%rt) # want to ta2e her pain) /he<s ploppe' 'own onto the *o%*h5 an' # *an see the e4ha%stion in her eyes5 in her post%re) # lea.e her sitting on the *o%*h5

hea' -a*25 legs splaye' o%t) ?a2ing s%re +y roo+ isn<t a *o+plete pigsty5 # *hange the sheets an' a'' an e4tra -lan2et5 then go -a*2 o%t to tell her she *an *rash in +y -e') /he<s alrea'y passe' o%t in the position she sat 'own in) # li1t her easily) /he<s light as a 1eather5 li2e an a*t%al5 1a*t%al 1airy5 +a'e o1 glass an' +agi* an' 1ragile por*elain an' 'e*epti.e strength) # set her in the -e'5 t%g o11 her shoes5 then 'e-ate whether to

ta2e her pants o11 1or her or not) /el1ishly eno%gh5 # 'e*i'e to go 1or it) # +ean5 # 2now # hate sleeping in pants5 so # *an<t i+agine she 'oes either) # pop the -%tton5 sli'e the Cipper 'own5 grip the 'eni+ at her hips an' p%ll) /he wriggles5 li1ts her hips5 an' # p%ll the+ 'own to her 2nees) The sight o1 her thighs an' her pale *rea+ s2in is al+ost too +%*h 1or +e to ta2e5 espe*ially with her tiny yellow thong5 -arely 'isg%ising the ten'er P in whi*h # want so

'esperately to -%ry +y 1a*e5 +y -o'y) # *an<t help +y 1ingers 1ro+ tra*ing a 1eatherlight line a*ross her thigh5 A%st a -rie1 to%*h5 -%t too +%*h) n' not nearly eno%gh) # Aer2 +ysel1 away an' s*r%- +y han's o.er +y 1a*e5 thro%gh +y hair5 1ighting 1or *ontrol) # t%rn -a*25 *lose +y eyes an' peel her Aeans o11 the rest o1 the way) s #<+ in the pro*ess o1 p%lling the+ past her toes5 she spea2s5 +%CCy an' sleepy an' ri'i*%lo%sly go''a+n *%te) E$o%<.e alrea'y

seen +e in +y panties) (hy the shy g%y now7G # settle the -lan2ets at her ne*25 an' she presses the+ 'own with her el-ows on the o%tsi'e5 staring %p at +e with long 1l%ttering lashes an' tangle' straw-erry -lon' hair wisping a*ross her per1e*t 1eat%res) # -a*2 away -e1ore # gi.e in to the te+ptation to -r%sh the hair away with +y *all%se' 1ingertips) # *an<t rea' the e4pression on her 1a*e) /he A%st loo2s so 1%*2ing .%lnera-le5 as i1 all the

h%rt is *o+ing %p an' -oiling o.er an' she<s -arely 2eeping it in5 now that sleep has nearly *lai+e' her) EThat was an asshole +o.e5G # say) E# sho%l'n<t ha.e 'one that) $o% were asleep5 # 'i'n<t want JG E#t was sweet5G she says5 *%tting in o.er +e) E#<+ a lot o1 things5 Tin2er-ell) /weet ain<t one o1 the+)G # -r%sh +y han' thro%gh +y hair5 a ner.o%s gest%re) E# only *lose' +y eyes so # wo%l'n<t 1eel yo% %p in yo%r sleep)G

0er eyes wi'en) E$o% wante' to 1eel +e %p7G # 'on<t @%ite s%**ee' in sti1ling +y la%gh o1 'is-elie19 she 'oesn<t %n'erstan' how -a' # want her) Foo' 1or her) /he *an<t 2now) # ta2e a step *loser to her5 ne4t to the -e'5 an' # A%st *an<t s%++on the strength to resist) stran' o1 hair lays a*ross her high5 s*%lpte' *hee2-one) # -r%sh it away5 +entally *%rsing +y wea2ness) E$o% ha.e no *l%e5 Nell)G # -a*2 away -e1ore +y +o%th or +y han's -etray +e 1%rther) E/leep5

an' thin2 o1 -l%e)G /he snorts) EThin2 o1 -l%e7G E#t<s a te*hni@%e # learne' to 2eep -a' 'rea+s away5G # tell her) E s # 1all asleep5 # thin2 o1 -l%eness) Not things that are -l%e5 A%st6an en'less5 all; en*o+passing sense o1 -l%e) O*ean -l%e5 s2y -l%e)G E!l%e li2e yo%r eyes)G 0er .oi*e is %nrea'a-ly so1t) # sha2e +y hea'5 s+ir2ing) E#1 that<s what -rings yo% pea*e5 then s%re) The point is5 thin2 o1 a soothing *olor) Pi*t%re it 1loating thro%gh yo%5 in yo%5 aro%n' yo%5

%ntil yo% are that *olor)G # shr%g) E#t helpe' +e)G E(hat 'o yo% 'rea+ a-o%t7G 0er eyes are awa2e5 an' pier*ing) # t%rn away an' 1li*2 the light o115 spea2 1a*ing away 1ro+ her) ENothing 1or yo% to worry a-o%t) !a' things) Ol' things)G # t%rn -a*2 to glan*e at her5 an' her eyes are hea.y again) E/leep5 Nell)G # *lose the 'oor -ehin' +e5 an' retreat into the 2it*hen) #t<s nearly 1i.e in the +orning -y this point5 an' #<+ -eyon' e4ha%ste')

# was %p at se.en yester'ay 1inishing a 0e+i re-%il'5 an' the g%ys are going to -e here to start wor2ing on the I/tang aro%n' eight) # en' %p writing a note an' lea.ing it tape' to the 1ra+e5 saying # won<t -e in to'ay) They 2now what to 'o) Per2 o1 -eing the -oss5 # g%ess) # tr%'ge -a*2 %p the stairs an' sl%+p -a*2 on the *o%*h5 eyes hea.y5 -%t -rain whirling) #<ll ne.er get to sleep at this rate) # *%rse %n'er +y -reath5 trying to -anish i+ages o1 Nell<s na2e'

thighs5 -egging to -e *aresse') #t<s not wor2ing) Desperate ti+es *all 1or 'esperate +eas%res) #n the top 'rawer o1 +y 'resser is a little white +e'i*ine -o4) # 2eep it 1or ti+es li2e this5 when # *an<t sleep5 *an<t stop thin2ing) #t<s a hol'o.er 1ro+ the -a' ol' 'ays) # roll a pin;thin Aoint an' s+o2e it slowly5 sa.oring it) # rarely s+o2e these 'ays) # 'on<t e.en re+e+-er the last ti+e5 to -e honest) # ga.e %p har' 'rin2ing5 ga.e %p

*igarettes5 ga.e %p pot5 ga.e %p a lot o1 other shit when # 'e*i'e' to get +y li1e straight) !%t e.ery rare on*e in a while5 a little -it o1 wee' is a ne*essity) # pin*h o11 the *herry an' stow the 2it5 an' #<+ 1inally laying 'own on the *o%*h5 1a'ing away5 when # hear it) /traine'5 high;pit*he' h%++ing) n o'' noise5 s*ary5 tense) s i1 she<s str%ggling with e.ery 1i-er o1 her -eing not to so-5 teeth *len*he') # *an al+ost see her ro*2ing -a*2 an' 1orth5 or *%rle' into a

1etal position) #<+ thro%gh the 'oor an' *ra'ling her in +y ar+s in the spa*e o1 three heart-eats) /he 1its on +y lap5 against +y *hest5 in +y ar+s so per1e*tly) /he<s sh%''ering5 tre+-ling5 e.ery +%s*le 1le4e') # -r%sh her hair -a*2 with +y 1ingers5 *%p her *hee25 1eel the tension in her Aaw) The noise is *o+ing 1ro+ 'eep insi'e her5 'ragge' %p 1ro+ the -otto+ o1 her so%l) #t -rea2s +y heart) (re*2s +e) ENell) Noo2 at +e)G # tip her *hin %p5 an' she Aer2s away5 -%rrows

against +y *hest5 as i1 she wants to *li+- -etween +y ri-s an' nestle in the spa*es -etween +y heart an' +y l%ngs) EO2ay5 1ine) Don<t loo2 at +e) !%t listen)G /he sha2es her hea'5 an' her 1ingers grip +y -i*ep so har' #<ll ha.e -r%ises later) /he<s *raCy strong) E#t<s not o2ay5G # tell her) This gets her attention9 it<s not what she was e4pe*ting) E$o% 'on<t ha.e to -e o2ay)G E(hat 'o yo% want 1ro+ +e7G 0er .oi*e is ragge'5 'esperate)

E# want yo% to let yo%rsel1 -e -ro2en) Net yo%rsel1 h%rt)G /he sha2es her hea' again) E# *an<t) #1 # let it o%t5 it<ll ne.er stop)G E$es it will)G ENo it won<t) #t won<t) There<s too +%*h)G /he A%''ers5 s%*2s in a 1ast -reath an' sha2es her hea' in a 1ier*e 'enial) E#t<ll ne.er stop *o+ing o%t5 an' #<ll -e e+pty)G /he tries to *li+- o11 +e5 an' # let her) /he t%+-les o11 the -e'5 1alls to her han's an' 2nees on the 1loor5 s*ra+-les away an'

st%+-les into the -athroo+) # hear her .o+it5 ret*h5 an' sti1le a so-) # +o.e to stan' in the 'oorway an' wat*h her) /he<s got her 1orear+ grippe' in *lawe' 1ingers5 s@%eeCing so har' tri*2les o1 -loo' 'rip where nails +eet 1lesh) Pain to repla*e pain) # step in 1ront o1 her5 ta2e her *hin in +y han' an' 1or*e her to loo2 at +e) /he *loses her eyes5 Aer2s away) The sight o1 her -loo' +a2es +e pani*) # *an<t wat*h her h%rt hersel1) # wrestle with her

han'5 -%t she won<t let go5 an' i1 # 1or*e her5 she<ll only h%rt hersel1 worse) # nee' to 2now what<s 'ri.ing this girl) (hat<s 'e.o%ring her) ETell +e)G # whisper the wor's to her5 ro%gh an' raw in the %nlit -athroo+5 gray 'awn 1iltering thro%gh 'irty glass) E0e<s 'ea')G EThat<s not eno%gh)G E#t<s e.erything)G # sigh5 'eeply5 glare at the top o1 her hea') /he 1eels it5 1inally loo2s %p at +e with re';la*e' eyes) /a'5 ha%nte'5 angry eyes)

EDon<t 1%*2ing lie to +e5 Nell)G The wor's are grate' an' too harsh) # regret the+5 -%t 2eep going) ETell +e)G E!o9G /he sho.es +e -a*2 so har' # st%+-le) /he sin2s -a*2war'5 shrin2ing 'own into a -all in 1ront o1 the toilet5 ne4t to the t%-) # 2neel 'own5 *reep 1orwar' as i1 approa*hing an inA%re'5 s2ittish sparrow) # a+5 really) /he<s *lawing her nails %p an' 'own her thighs5 lea.ing re'5 ragge' s*rat*h +ar2s) # *at*h her han's an' still the+) Fo'5 she<s

strong) # hea.e another sigh5 then s*oop her %p into +y ar+s again an' *arry her into the -e'roo+) # *ra'le her against +e an' settle onto the -e'5 sli'e 'own with her %ntil her hea' pillowe' on +y *hest an' #<+ hol'ing her tight5 s@%eeCing har'5 *l%t*hing her wrists in one o1 +ine) /he<s 1roCen5 tense') # ta2e long5 e.en -reaths5 stro2e her hair with +y 1ree han') Fra'%ally she -egins to rela4) # *o%nt her -reaths5 1eel the+ e.en o%t5 an' then she<s li+p on top o1 +e5 sleeping5 twit*hing as she 'el.es into

sl%+-er) # wait5 stay awa2e5 2nowing what<s *o+ing) /he +oans5 writhes5 -egins to whi+per5 an' then she<s awa2e an' +a2ing that 1%*2ing horri-le high pit*he' whining noise in her throat again) # hol' her tight5 re1%se to let go) /he str%ggles against +e5 wa2ing %p) ENet +e goHG /he growls) ENo)G ENet +e 1%*2ing go5 Colton)G 0er .oi*e is tiny5 s*are'5 .%lnera-le5 an' .ehe+ent) E$o% let go)G

E(hy7G hit*h in her .oi*e) E!e*a%se hol'ing on to it is 2illing yo%)G EFoo')G /he<s still str%ggling5 thrashing against +y hol') EIThere<s a shortage o1 per1e*t -reasts in this worl') #t wo%l' -e a pity to r%in yo%rs)<G /he stops thrashing an' la%ghs) EDi' yo% A%st @%ote The Princess $ride at +e7G E?ay-e)G /he la%ghs5 an' the la%gh t%rns into a so-5 @%i*2ly *ho2e' o11) # sigh) E"ine) 0ow I-o%t # start7G # really 'on<t want to 'o this) E(hen # *a+e to New $or25 #

was se.enteen) # ha' 1i.e 'ollars in +y po*2et5 a -a*2pa*2 1%ll o1 *lothes5 a pa*2age o1 OitC *ra*2ers5 a *an o1 Co2e5 an' nothing else) # 2new no one) # ha' a high s*hool 'iplo+a5 -arely5 an' # 2new # *o%l' 1i4 any engine p%t in 1ront o1 +e) # spent the 1irst 'ay # got o11 the -%s loo2ing 1or a +e*hani* garage trying to 1in' a Ao-) No one wo%l' e.en let +e apply) # ha'n<t eaten in two 'ays) # slept on a -en*h in

Central Par2 that night5 at least till the *ops +a'e +e +o.e)G # ha.e her interest5 now) /he<s still in +y ar+s5 staring %p at +e) #<+ spea2ing to the *eiling5 -e*a%se her eyes are too pier*ing) E# nearly star.e' to 'eath5 to -e honest) # 2new nothing) #<' grown %p pri.ilege'5 yo% 2now +y 'a'5 how +%*h +y parents ha.e) #<' ne.er e.en ha' to +a2e +y own 1oo'5 wash +y own *lothes) /%''enly5 #<+ alone in this insane *ity where no one gi.es a shit a-o%t anyone else) Dog eat

'og5 an' all that)G E0ow<' yo% s%r.i.e7G E# got in a 1ight)G # la%gh) E# ha' a ni*e little spot to sleep -eneath a -ri'ge5 an' this ol' -%+ *o+es along an' says it<s his spot an' # ha.e to +o.e) (ell5 # ha'n<t really slept in 'ays5 an' # wasn<t a-o%t to +o.e) /o we 1o%ght) #t was sloppy an' nasty5 sin*e # was h%ngry an' tire' an' s*are' an' he was ol' an' to%gh an' har'5 -%t # won) T%rns o%t this g%y was wat*hing the whole thing) 0e

*a+e %p to +e a1ter # won an' as2s i1 # wante' to +a2e a @%i*2 h%n're' -%*2s) # 'i'n<t e.en hesitate) 0e -rings +e to this ol' wareho%se in a shitty part o1 # 'on<t e.en 2now where) -a*2 alley in Nong #slan'5 +ay-e) 0e 1ee's +e5 gi.es +e a *ol' -eer) # was a new +an a1ter that) 0e -rings +e 'own into the -ase+ent o1 this wareho%se where there<s a -%n*h o1 people in a *ir*le5 *heering an' shit) # hear the so%n's o1 a 1ight)G

Nell gasps5 an' # *an tell she 2nows where this is going) E$eah) # won) The g%y # 1o%ght was h%ge5 -%t slow) #<' -een in +y share o1 tro%-le in high s*hool5 so # 2new how to 1ight) This g%y was A%st -ig an' strong5 no te*hni@%e) # 'i' three 1ights that night5 all in a row) Too2 an aw1%l -eating in the last one5 -%t # won) ?a'e 1o%r h%n're' -%*2s5 an' that was how # starte') Then # +et /plit) 0e was at one o1 the 1ights5 an' o11ere' +e Ao-5 sort o1) /ai' he nee'e' so+eone to -e +%s*le 1or

hi+5 *olle*ting 'e-ts5 -e s*ary) (ell5 # *o%l' 'o s*ary) /o # went with /plit an' #6well5 it wasn<t -are 2n%*2le priCe 1ighting) #nti+i'ation5 +ostly) People owe' hi+ 1or 1a.ors5 1or 'r%gs6#<' sol.e the pro-le+) That<s how # +et /plit5 how # en'e' %p in the "i.e;One !ishops)G E gang7G E$es5 Nell) gang)G # sigh) EThey were +y 1a+ily) ?y 1rien's) They 1e' +e5 ga.e +e a -e' to sleep in) Fa.e +e -ooCe to 'rin2

an' pot to s+o2e an' girls to roll) /orry5 -%t it<s the tr%th) #<+ not pro%' o1 so+e o1 the shit # 'i'5 -%t those g%ys5 they were tight) 0onora-le5 +ost o1 Ie+5 in their own way) They<' ne.er5 e.er -etray +e5 no +atter what) They<' -a*2 +y play5 no @%estions as2e') 3.en now5 years o%t o1 the ga+e5 li.ing *lean an' honest5 wor2ing 1or +ysel15 i1 # *alle' the+5 they<' *o+e5 an' they wo%l'n<t 1lin*h to 'o whate.er # as2e')G

ENi2e /plit5 to'ay)G # no' against her hair) E34a*tly)G ETell +e the tr%th5 Colton) (here 'i' he ta2e Dan7G # shr%g) E# honestly 'on<t 2now) # tol' hi+ # 'i'n<t want to 2now) # tol' /plit # 'i'n<t want a -o'y on +y *ons*ien*e tho%gh5 -%t # also 'i'n<t want yo% to e.er ha.e to worry a-o%t Dan again) /o 1orget hi+)G long silen*e5 an' # 2new she was 1or+%lating a @%estion) EDo yo%7G EDo # what7G E0a.e -o'ies on yo%r

*ons*ien*e7G # 'on<t answer) EDoes it +atter7G E$es) To +e it 'oes)G E$es) # 'o)G # hesitate 1or a long +o+ent) E$o% *an<t %n'erstan' that li1e5 Nell) $o% A%st *an<t) #t was s%r.i.al)G E# g%ess # *an get that)G E!%t7G /he sighs) E# 'on<t %n'erstan' why yo% *a+e here alone with no +oney) (hat a-o%t *ollege7 (hy 'i'n<t yo%r parents help yo%7 Do they 2now a-o%t how yo% s%r.i.e'7G # sha2e +y hea' an' e4a+ine +y

2n%*2les) EThat<s a 'i11erent *on.ersation)G E?y t%rn7G E$es5G # say) E$o%r t%rn)G E$o% 2now the story5 Colton) :yle 'ie')G # growl low in +y *hest) EThere<s +ore)G # li1t her wrist to tra*e the s*ars there) EThat<s not eno%gh to +a2e yo% 'o this)G /he 'oesn<t answer 1or so long # won'er i1 she 1ell asleep) 3.ent%ally she spea2s5 an' when she 'oes it<s raw whisper) # -arely -reathe5 not 'aring to interr%pt) E(e were %p north) $o%r

parent<s *a-in) (e<' -een 'ating 1or o.er two years5 an' we were so e4*ite' to -e ta2ing a .a*ation together5 li2e a'%lts) $o%r parents an' +ine ga.e :yle an' # the tal2 a-o%t -eing *are1%l5 e.en tho%gh we<' -een sleeping together 1or al+ost two years -y that point) Mntil then it see+e' to -e 'on<t as2 'on<t tell5 # g%ess) # 'on<t 2now) !%t we ha' a great ti+e) /wi++ing5 sitting -y the 1ire5 ha.ing se4) #6go'6go'6# *an<t)G /he<s

str%ggling so har' against her e+otions) # *o+- +y 1ingers thro%gh her hair an' s*rat*h her -a*2) /he *ontin%es5 her .oi*e tight5 -%t a -it stronger) E/%n'ay5 the last 'ay5 it was stor+y) Oain so har' yo% *o%l'n<t see shit5 win'y as hell) # +ean5 #<.e ne.er seen win' li2e that5 e.er5 -e1ore or sin*e) Those h%ge pine trees aro%n' the *a-in were -ent nearly 'o%-le)G /he pa%ses5 panting as i1 e4ha%ste'5 then *ontin%es in a +%*h so1ter an' +ore .%lnera-le .oi*e) E

tree 1ell) #t sho%l' ha.e hit +e6 it al+ost did hit +e) # saw it 1alling towar's +e5 an' # *o%l'n<t +o.e) /o+e o1 the night+ares5 it<s that +o+ent # see5 o.er an' o.er again5 the tree *o+ing 1or +e) Those are the ni*e an' easy night+ares) split se*on' -e1ore it hit +e5 :yle 2no*2e' +e o%t o1 the way) # +ean5 he straight %p 1oot-all ta*2le' +e) :no*2e' +e 1lying) # lan'e' on +y ar+) # 'on<t re+e+-er hitting the gro%n'5 -%t # re+e+-er

*o+ing to an' 1eeling pain li2e a white wa.e5 an' seeing -ones sti*2ing o%t o1 +y 1orear+5 the whole -one -ent al+ost at a ninety 'egree angle)G # -arely hear the ne4t wor's) E# sho%l' ha.e 'ie') 0e sa.e' +e) #t hit hi+ instea') !ro2e hi+) &%st61%*2ing shattere' hi+) -ran*h -ro2e an'Jan' i+pale' hi+) # *an still see the -loo' *o+ing o%t o1 his +o%th6 -%--ling on his lips li2e 1roth) 0is -reath6it whistle') 0eJ# wat*he' hi+

'ie) # 'i'n<t e.en 2now the a''ress o1 the ho%se5 an' he5 he tol' +e the a''ress as he 'ie' 1or the a+-%lan*e that wo%l'n<t get there %ntil a1ter he was 'ea') # rippe' +y 1ingernails o11 trying to +o.e the 'a+n tree) # -ro2e +y ar+ worse when # 1ell in the +%') That<s the worst 'rea+;+e+ory: lying in the +%'5 wat*hing hi+ 'ie) (at*hJ wat*hing the light go o%t o1 his eyes) 0is -ea%ti1%l *ho*olate -rown eyes) The last wor's he sai'

were I# lo.e yo%)<G # 'on<t 'are spea2) /he<s sha2ing so har' #<+ worrie' it was al+ost a seiC%re) /he<ll -rea2 soon) EThe other thing # see5 e.ery go''a+n night5 is his shoe) (e<' gone to 'inner at that 1an*y #talian pla*e) 0e ha' on his 'ress shoes) !la*2 leather) /t%pi' little tassels on the 1ront) # hate' those shoes) (hen the tree hit hi+5 it hit so har' his shoe was 2no*2e' *lean o11) # see that shoe5 in the +%') /+eare' with -rown +%'5 li2e shit) # see that one st%pi' 1%*2ing

shoe5 with the tassels)G # ha.e to say it) /he<s gonna get +a'5 -%t # ha.e to say it) E#t wasn<t yo%r 1a%lt)G E-8!T S.5 T'.T9 58: -8!T ;:<%(!# %!8/9G /he shrie2e' it in +y ear5 so lo%' +y ears ring) EThen tell +e5G # whisper) E# *an<t) # *an<t) # *an<t)G /he<s sha2ing her hea'5 twisting it si'e to si'e5 a re1%sal to -rea2) E#t was +y 1a%lt) # 2ille' hi+)G so-5 then a 1%ll5 %n*he*2e' so-) E!%llshit) 0e sa.e' yo%) 0e lo.e' yo%) $o% 'i'n<t 2ill hi+)G

E$o% 'on<t %n'erstan') # 'i' 2ill hi+) (e were arg%ing) #1 # ha' A%st sai' yes5 he<' -e ali.e) $o% 'on<t %n'erstan') $o% 'on<tJ 'on<t) Can<t 2now) No one 2nows) #1 #<' A%st sai' yes5 he<' -e ali.e) !%t # sai' no)G E/ai' yes to what7G /h%''ering5 hea.ing in ragge' -reaths5 still 'enying the -rea2'own5 she +%r+%rs the wor's5 an' # 2now they -rea2 her5 on*e an' 1or all) E0e as2e' +e to +arry hi+) # sai' no)G E$o% were eighteen)G

E# 2now) # 2nowH That<s why # sai' no) 0e wante' to go to /tan1or'5 an' # wante' to go /yra*%se) # wo%l' ha.e gone to /tan1or' with hi+5 A%st to -e with hi+5 -%t6# *o%l'n<t +arry hi+) # wasn<t rea'y to -e engage') To get +arrie')G EMn'erstan'a-le)G E$o% 'on<t get it5 Colton) $o% 'on<tJyo% 'on<t get it)G 0i**%ps5 now5 wor's *o+ing in st%tters) E0e as2e' +e to +arry hi+5 in the *ar) # got o%t5 angry that he

'i'n<t %n'erstan' why # sai' no) 0e 1ollowe' +e) /too' in the 'ri.eway arg%ing with +e) # was on the por*h) ?in%tes li2e that5 hi+ in the 'ri.eway5 +e on the por*h) (e sho%l'<.e gone insi'e5 -%t we 'i'n<t) The rain ha' stoppe'5 -%t the win' was worse than e.er) # hear' the tree snap) #t so%n'e' li2e *annon going o11)G E$o% 'i'n<t 2ill hi+5 Nell) $o% 'i'n<t) /aying no 'i'n<t +eanJG E/h%t %p) &%st6shut up) # sai' no) 0e tho%ght it +eant # 'i'n<t

lo.e hi+5 an' we waste' so +%*h ti+e o%t there5 in the way o1 the tree) #1 # ha' A%st sai' yes5 gone insi'e with hi+5 the tree wo%l' ha.e +isse' %s -oth) ?isse' +e5 +isse' hi+) 0e<' -e ali.e) # hesitate'5 an' he 'ie') #1 # ha'n<t 1roCen5 i1 # ha' A%st +o.e' o%t o1 the way6 one A%+p to the le1t or the right) # *o%l' ha.e) !%t # 1roCe) n' he sa.e' +e6an' heJhe 'ie') 0e<s gone5 an' it<s +y 1a%lt)G E#t<s not)G E/0MT MPHG /he s*rea+s it into

+y *hest) E# 2ille' hi+) 0e<s gone an' it<s +y 1a%lt6+y 1a%lt) # want hi+ -a*2)G This last5 a shattere' whisper5 an' # 1eelJ 1inallyJwar+ wet tears on +y *hest) #t<s silent5 at 1irst) # thin2 +ay-e she<s waiting to -e *on'e+ne' 1or wea2ness) # 'on<t5 o1 *o%rse) # hol' her) # 'on<t tell her it<s o2ay) EFet +a'5G # say) E!e h%rt) !e -ro2en) Cry)G /he sha2es her hea'5 tiny si'e to si'e twisting o1 her ne*25 a 'enial5 a 1%tile re1%sal) "%tile5

-e*a%se she<s alrea'y *rying) The high;pit*he' whining at 1irst5 high in her throat) :eening) # on*e saw a -a-y 2itten in an alley sitting ne4t to it<s +other) The +a+a *at was 'ea'5 o1 age or so+ething5 # 'on<t 2now) The 2itten was pawing at the +a+a<s sho%l'er an' +ewling5 this nonstop so%n' that was a-sol%tely heart-rea2ing5 heartren'ing) #t was a so%n' that sai' /hat do ( do* 'ow do ( live* 'ow can ( go on* This so%n'5 1ro+ Nell5 is that)

!%t in1initely worse) #t<s so 1%*2ing so%l;searing # *an<t -reathe 1or the pain it *a%ses +e to hear) !e*a%se # *an<t 'o a go''a+n thing e4*ept hol' her) /he starts ro*2ing in +y ar+5 *l%t*hing +y -are sho%l'ers so har' she<s gonna -rea2 the s2in5 -%t # 'on<t *are5 -e*a%se it +eans she<s not h%rting hersel1) Now it<s long Aagge' so-s5 wra*2ing her entire -o'y5 an' go'5 she<s got two years worth o1 pent;%p tears *o+ing o%t all at on*e) #t<s

.iolent) # 'on<t e.en 2now how long she so-s) Ti+e *eases to pass5 an' she *ries5 *ries5 *ries) Cl%t*hes +e an' +a2es these so%n's o1 a so%l -eing rippe' in two5 the grie1 so long 'enie' ta2ing its toll) "er+ente' grie1 is 1ar +ore potent) ?y *hest is sli*2 with her tears) ?y sho%l'ers are -r%ise') #<+ sti11 an' sore 1ro+ hol'ing her5 +otionless) #<+ e4ha%ste') None o1 this +atters) #<ll hol' her %ntil she passes o%t) "inally the so-s s%-si'e an'

she<s A%st *rying so1tly) Now it<s ti+e to *o+1ort) # only 2now one way9 # sing: EK%iet yo%r *rying .oi*e5 lost *hil') Net no plea 1or *o+1ort pass yo%r lips) $o%<re o2ay5 now) $o%<re o2ay5 now) Don<t *ry any+ore5 'ry yo%r eyes) Ooll the pain away5 p%t it 'own on the gro%n' an' lea.e it 1or the -ir's) /%11er no +ore5 lost *hil') /tan' an' ta2e the roa'5 +o.e on an' seal the h%rt -ehin' the

+iles) #t<s not alright5 it<s not o2ay) # 2now5 # 2now) The night is long5 it<s 'ar2 an' *r%el) # 2now5 # 2now) $o%<re not alone) $o%<re not alone) $o% are lo.e') $o% are hel') K%iet yo%r *rying .oi*e5 lost *hil') $o%<re o2ay5 now) $o%<re o2ay5 now) &%st hol' on5 one +ore 'ay) &%st hol' on5 one +ore ho%r) /o+eone will *o+e 1or yo%) /o+eone will hol' yo% *lose)

# 2now5 # 2now) #t<s not o2ay5 it<s not alright) !%t i1 yo% A%st hol' on5 One +ore 'ay5 one +ore ho%r) #t will -e) #t will -e)G Nell is silent5 staring at +e with li+pi' gray;green eyes li2e +oss;1le*2e' stone) /he hear' e.ery wor'5 hear' the *ry o1 lost -oy) EDi' yo% write that7G /he as2s) # no'5 +y *hin s*raping the top o1 her s*alp) E"or who7G E?e)G EFo'5 Colton)G 0er .oi*e is hoarse 1ro+ so--ing5 raspy) /e4y) EThat<s so sa')G

E#t<s how # 1elt at the ti+e)G # shr%g) E# ha' no one to *o+1ort +e5 so # wrote a song to 'o it +ysel1)G EDi' it wor27G # h%11 at the ri'i*%lo%sness o1 the @%estion) E#1 # sang it eno%gh5 #<' e.ent%ally -e a-le to 1all asleep5 so yeah5 2in' o1)G # 1inally glan*e 'own at her5 a*t%ally loo2 into her eyes) #t<s a +ista2e) /he<s wi'e;eye'5 intent5 1%ll o1 heart-rea2 an' sa'ness an' *o+passion) Not pity) #<' 1lip +y shit i1 # saw pity in her eyes5 A%st li2e she wo%l' i1 she saw it in

+e) Co+passion an' pity are not the sa+e: pity is loo2ing 'own on so+eone5 1eeling sorry 1or the+ an' o11ering nothing9 *o+passion is seeing their pain an' o11ering the+ %n'erstan'ing) /he<s so go''a+n -ea%ti1%l) #<+ lost in her eyes5 %na-le to loo2 away) 0er lips5 re'5 *happe'5 p%rse'5 as i1 -egging +e to 2iss her5 are too *lose to ignore) #<+ s%''enly aware o1 her -o'y against +ine5 her 1%ll -reasts *r%she' against +e5 her leg5 one ro%n' thigh5 pale as whitest *rea+5

'rape' o.er +ine) 0er pal+5 long 1ingers slightly *%rle'5 rests on +y sho%l'er5 an' lightning siCCles +y s2in where she to%*hes +e) #<+ not -reathing) Niterally5 +y -reath is st%*2 in +y throat5 -lo*2e' -y +y heart5 whi*h has ta2en %p resi'en*e in +y tra*hea) # want to 2iss her) Nee' to) Or # +ight ne.er -reathe again) #<+ an asshole5 so # 2iss her) /he 'eser.es %lti+ate gentility5 an' +y lips are 1eathers against hers5 ghosting a*ross hers) # *an 1eel

e.ery ri'ge an' ripple o1 her lips5 they<re *happe' an' *ra*2e' an' ro%gh 1ro+ *rying5 1ro+ thirst) # +oisten the+ with +y own lips5 2iss ea*h lip in'i.i'%ally) "irst the %pper5 *aressing it with -oth o1 +ine5 tasting5 to%*hing) /he -reathes a sigh) # thin2 #<+ o2ay5 # thin2 she wants this) # was honestly terri1ie' at 1irst she<' wig o%t5 slap +e5 s*ra+-le away) Tell +e she *o%l'n<t sto+a*h a 2iss 1ro+ a -loo';soa2e' +onster li2e +e) # 'on<t

'eser.e her5 -%t #<+ an asshole5 a sel1ish -astar'5 so # ta2e what # *an get 1ro+ her5 an' try to +a2e s%re # gi.e her the -est #<.e got) /he 'oesn<t 2iss +e -a*25 tho%gh) /he shi1ts on +y -o'y5 an' her *%rle' 1ingers tighten on +y *hest5 -%t her +o%th7 /he A%st waits5 an' lets +e *lai+ her +o%th with +ine) # ta2e her lower lip in +y teeth5 e.er so gently) ?y pal+5 +y ro%gh an' *all%se' paw is graCing her *hee25 s+oothing a waywar' *%rl -a*2 -ehin' her ear) /he lets +e) "oolish girl)

Netting a -r%te li2e +e 2iss her5 to%*h her) #<+ a1rai' the grease %n'er +y nails will +ar her s2in5 worrie' the -loo' that has -een soa2e' into +y -ones will seep o%t o1 +y pores an' s%lly her i.ory s2in) /he n%CCles her 1a*e into +y pal+) /he opens her +o%th into +ine5 2isses +e -a*2) Oh5 hea.en) # +ean5 go'damn5 the girl *an 2iss) ?y -reath ne.er really le1t +y throat5 an' now it r%shes o%t o1 +e in

'is-elie1 that she<s letting this happen5 that she<s a*ti.ely ta2ing part) # 'on<t 2now why) #t<s not li2e #<+ a ni*e g%y) #<+ not goo') # A%st hel' her when she *rie') # *o%l'n<t 'o anything else) # en' the 2iss -e1ore it *an t%rn into so+ething else) /he A%st loo2s at +e5 lips slightly parte'5 wet li2e *herries now an' so5 so re') Oh5 1%*25 # *an<t resist going in 1or another 2iss5 1ro+ letting so+e shre' o1 +y raging h%nger 1or her -ea%ty show thro%gh in +y

2iss) /he ret%rns it with e@%al 1er.or5 +o.ing so she<s +ore 1%lly on top o1 +e5 an' she 'oesn<t stop +e when +y han' 'ri1ts 'own her s*alp5 'own her nape5 'own her -a*25 rests on the s+all A%st a-o.e the swell o1 her ass) # 'on<t 'are to%*h her there) This is insane) (hat the hell a+ # 'oing7 /he A%st -awle' her eyes o%t5 so--e' 1or ho%rs) /he<s see2ing *o+1ort5 see2ing 1orgetting) # *an<t ha.e her li2e this)

# p%ll away again5 sli'e o%t 1ro+ -eneath her) E(here are yo% going7G /he as2s) E# *an<t -reathe when yo% 2iss +e li2e that) (hen yo% let +e 2iss yo%) #t<s6#<+ no goo') No goo' 1or yo%) #t<' -e ta2ing a'.antage o1 yo%)G # sha2e +y hea' an' t%rn away 1ro+ the *on1%sion in her eyes5 the 'isappoint+ent) # retreat5 s@%eeCing +y han's into 1ists5 angry with +ysel1) /he nee's -etter than +e)

# gra- +y g%itar5 rip it 1ro+ the so1t *ase5 an' hea' 1or the ri*2ety5 *rea2ing5 o%tsi'e stair to the roo15 a -ottle o1 &a+eson in han') # plop 'own on the -%ste';ass weather;-eaten -l%e Nay;R;!oy # l%gge' %p here 1or this p%rpose5 twist the top o11 the -ottle an' sl%g it har') # 2i*2 -a*2 with +y 1eet %p on the roo1 le'ge an' wat*h the gray;to;pin2 haCe o1 onr%shing 'awn5 g%itar on +y -elly5 pl%*2ing strings)

"inally5 # sit 1orwar' an' start wor2ing on the song #<.e -een learning: EThis FirlG -y City S Colo%r) # regret it i++e'iately5 -e*a%se the lyri*s re+in' +e o1 what # 'on<t 'eser.e with Nell) !%t it<s an into4i*ating song5 so # get lost in it nonetheless an' it -arely registers when # hear her on the stairs) E$o% are so talente'5 Colton5G she says5 when #<+ 'one) # roll +y eyes) EThan2s)G /he<s got her Aeans -a*2 on5 an' one o1 +y spare g%itars in her

han') There<s a -attere' orange lo.eseat perpen'i*%lar to the Nay;R;!oy5 an' she settles *ross; legge' onto it5 *ra'ling her g%itar on her lap) EPlay so+ething 1or +e5G # say) /he shr%gs sel1;*ons*io%sly) E# s%*2) # only 2now a *o%ple songs)G # 1rown at her) E$o% sing li2e a 1%*2ing angel) /erio%sly) $o% ha.e the sweetest5 *learest .oi*e #<.e e.er hear')G E# *an<t play the g%itar 1or *rap5 tho%gh)G /he<s str%++ing5 tho%gh5 e.en as she says this)

ENo5G # agree) E!%t that 'oesn<t +atter on*e yo% start singing) I/i'es5 2eep playing5 2eep pra*ti*ing5 yo%<ll get -etter)G /he rolls her eyes5 +%*h li2e # 'i'5 an' starts hitting *hor's) # 'on<t re*ogniCe the t%ne at 1irst) #t ta2es +e into the 1irst *hor%s to 1ig%re o%t what song it is) #t<s a low5 ha%nting t%ne5 a rolling5 sa' +elo'y) The lyri*s are6ar*hai*5 -%t # %n'erstan' the+) They<re sweet an' longing) /he<s singing E?y "%nny PalentineG -y 3lla "itCgeral') t least5 that<s the .ersion # 2now) #<.e hear' a

'oCen .ersions o1 it5 -%t # thin2 she was the one who +a'e it 1a+o%s) The way Nell sings it6her .oi*e is a little high 1or how low the song is written5 -%t the strain to hit the lower notes only +a2es it 1%ll o1 that +%*h +ore longing) s i1 the 'esire was a palpa-le thing5 so thi*2 insi'e her she *o%l'n<t hit the notes right) /he trails o11 at the en' o1 the song5 -%t # roll +y han' in a *ir*le5 so she pl%*2s a 1ew strings5 thin2ing5 silent5 then stri2es

another slow5 -l%esy rhyth+) Oh5 go'5 so per1e*t) /he sings EDrea+ a Nittle Drea+ o1 ?eG) No%is r+strong an' 3lla) Fo' # lo.e that song) # 'o%-t she realiCes this) # s%rprise the shit o%t o1 her -y *o+ing in right on *%e with No%is<s part) /he s+iles -roa' an' happy an' 2eeps singing5 an' holy shit we so%n' goo' together) # wo%l' ne.er ha.e tho%ght o1 *o.ering AaCC n%+-ers in a 1ol2sy style) #t<s so hot5 so 1resh) # 2now

the song5 so # *an wea.e in so+e 1an*y pi*2ing5 o.er an' aro%n' her str%++ing) (e 1inish the song5 an' # ne.er want to stop +a2ing +%si* with her) # ta2e a ris2 an' start %p E/tor+y !l%esG -y !illie 0oli'ay) #t<s a slow song5 an' Nell<s *rystalline .oi*e an' +y gra.elly one +a2e it into a -alla') # *an hear !illie<s .oi*e as #<+ singing5 tho%gh) # hear it *o+ing o%t o1 the open win'ow 1ro+ the -%il'ing ne4t to the shop5 -a*2 when # 1irst -o%ght it) ?rs) 0en2el ha' a

thing 1or AaCC) /he was ol' an' lonely5 an' AaCC +a'e her thin2 o1 long;'ea' ?r) 0en2el5 so she<' *ra*2 all the win'ows an' play !illie an' 3lla an' Co%nt !asie an' !enny5 an' she<' 'an*e an' re+e+-er) #<' help her -ring her gro*eries %p5 an' she<' pin*h +y ass an' threaten +e with se45 i1 only she was hal1 a *ent%ry yo%nger) /he<' +a2e +e tea an' spi2e it with whis2ey5 an' we<' listen to AaCC) # 1o%n' her in her -e'5 eyes *lose'5 a photo o1 ?r) 0en2el on

her a+ple *hest5 a s+ile on her 1a*e) # went to her 1%neral5 whi*h sho*2e' the shit o%t o1 her ri*h5 asshole gran'son) ?y eyes +%st gi.e away so+e o1 +y tho%ghts5 -e*a%se Nell as2s +e what #<+ thin2ing) /o # tell her a-o%t ?rs) 0en2el) -o%t the long *on.ersations #<' ha.e with her5 slowly getting 'r%n2 on spi2e' 3arl Frey) 0ow she was always *l%*2ing a-o%t +y tats an' +y -aggy pants) (hen # went straight an' stoppe' th%gging it %p5 she was o.er the +oon at +y

tighter Aeans) (hat # 'on<t say is that +y spen'ing ti+e with ?rs) 0en2el was typi*al sel1ish Colt) # was lonely) #<' wal2e' away 1ro+ all +y -oys 1ro+ the hoo'5 all o1 the+ e4*ept /plit5 an' # was lonely) ?rs) 0en2el was a 1rien'5 a *han*e to -e aro%n' so+eone who was goo' in1l%en*e on +e) /he<' pro-a-ly ha.e shit her Depen's i1 she 2new hal1 the shit #<' 'one5 an' # thin2 she 2new that5 sin*e she ne.er

as2e') "inally5 # go silent5 the s%-Ae*t o1 'ea' ?rs) 0en2el e4ha%ste') E34plain what yo% +eant5G she says) E -o%t what7G # 2now e4a*tly what she +eant5 -%t # *o%l'n<t let on) E(hy aren<t yo% any goo'7 (hy wo%l' it -e ta2ing a'.antage o1 +e7G # set the g%itar on its si'e an' ta2e a p%ll o11 the -ottle5 han' it to her) E#<+61%*2e' %p5 Nell)G E/o a+ #)G E!%t it<s 'i11erent) #<+ not goo') # +ean5 #<+ not e.il5 # ha.e so+e

re'ee+ing @%alities5 -%t6G # sha2e +y hea'5 %na-le to p%t it into the right wor's) E#<.e 'one -a' things) #<+ trying to stay o%t o1 tro%-le these 'ays5 -%t that 'oesn<t erase what #<.e 'one)G E# thin2 yo%<re a goo' person)G /he says it @%ietly5 not loo2ing at +e) E$o% saw what # 'i' to 'i*2hea' Dan)G /he snorts) EDi*2hea' Dan) "itting) $eah5 # saw5 an' yeah5 it s*are' +e) !%t yo% were prote*ting +e) De1en'ing +e) n' yo%

stoppe')G EDi'n<t want to5 tho%gh)G E!%t yo% 'i')G /he yawns -ehin' her han') E$o%<re selling yo%rsel1 short5 Colton) n' yo%<re not gi.ing +e eno%gh *re'it to 2now what # want)G E(hat 'o yo% +ean7G # 2now what she +eans5 -%t # want to hear her say it) E# 2isse' yo% -a*2) #t<s *raCy5 +esse' %p5 an' it *on1%ses +e) !%t # 'i' it eyes wi'e) :nowing) # wasn<t 'r%n2)G /he loo2s at +e past long5 'ar2 lashes5 eyes

saying a tho%san' things her +o%th wasn<t) ?y +o%th goes 'ry) E# sho%l'n<t ha.e 2isse' yo%)G E!%t yo% 'i')G E$eah) #<+ an asshole li2e that) # A%st *an<t help it5 aro%n' yo%)G E# 'on<t thin2 yo%<re an asshole) # thin2 yo%<re sweet) Fentle)G /he says it with a little s+ile) # sha2e +y hea') ENah) #t<s A%st yo%) $o% -ring that ten'er shit o%t o1 +e) #<+ a th%g5 Nell) /traight %p)G E34;th%g5G she *o%nters)

# la%gh) EOn*e a th%g5 always a th%g) # +ay not r%n the streets any+ore5 -%t it<s still part o1 who # a+)G E n' # li2e who yo% are)G # stan' %p5 %n*o+1orta-le with where this is going) E#t<s late) (e sho%l' sleep)G /he glan*es at the s%n5 whi*h is pee2ing -etween a *o%ple high; rises a*ross the street) E#t<s early5 -%t yeah) #<+ e4ha%ste')G # ta2e her g%itar an' hol' her han' as she steps onto the stairs) # li2e how her han' 1eels in +ine) #

'on<t want to let go5 so # 'on<t) Neither 'oes she) Nell stops at the -athroo+5 an' # *hange into r%nning shorts) "inally5 # let +ysel1 1eel the pain 1ro+ the 1ight with Dan) # stret*h5 1eeling +y ri-s twinge5 an' # pro-e +y loose tooth with +y tong%e5 win*e at the '%ll a*he) t that +o+ent5 Nell appears -esi'e +e with a wash*loth) # eye her warily5 then p%ll away when she rea*hes 1or +y 1a*e) E#<+ 1ine5G # growl) E/h%t %p an' hol' still)G # roll +y eyes an' -ring +y 1a*e

-a*2 within rea*h) 0er to%*h is 1ar too gentle 1or a ro%gh -astar' li2e +e) /he to%*hes +y *hin5 t%rns +e to the si'e5 -r%shes the *%ts an' -r%ises as i1 1rightene' to h%rt +e 1%rther) # stop -reathing 1ro+ her pro4i+ity5 1ro+ the 'r%n2; +a2ing won'er o1 her s*ent5 sha+poo an' le+ons an' whis2ey an' wo+an) /he t%rns +y hea' again5 wipes the other si'e o1 +y 1a*e5 eyes narrowe' as she 1o*%ses on wiping away the *r%ste' -loo') #<' *leane' %p a -it while she

was in the shower at her pla*e5 -%t apparently not well eno%gh) /he wipes +y %pper lip5 +y *hin5 +y 1orehea'5 +y *hee2-ones) Then she lowers the wash*loth an' r%ns her 1ingers o.er +y 1a*e5 to%*hing ea*h *%t gently5 e4ploring) # hol' still an' let her to%*h +e) #t s*ares +e) /he<s loo2ing at +e as i1 seeing +e 1or the 1irst ti+e5 as i1 trying to +e+oriCe how # loo2) 0er gaCe is intense5 nee'y) 0er th%+-s en' %p -r%shing o.er +y

lips5 an' # -ite one o1 her th%+-s5 a little har') 0er eyes wi'en an' her nostrils 1lare5 an' she s%*2s in a 1ast -reath as # r%n +y tong%e o.er the pa' o1 her th%+-) (hat the 1%*2 a+ # 'oing7 !%t # *an<t stop) This ti+e5 she leans in) P%lls her th%+- 1ro+ +y +o%th an' repla*es it with her lips) 0er tong%e) This is so *raCy) # sho%l'n<t let it happen) !%t # 'o) ?y go'5 # 'o) # 2iss her -a*2 with all the h%nger insi'e

+e) (e<re in +y roo+5 A%st insi'e the 'oorway5 in*hes 1ro+ the -e') #t wo%l' -e so easy to spin her aro%n' an' lay her 'own5 peel her *lothes o115 an'6 # p%ll away) /he sighs as # 'o5 an' it<s a 'isappointe' so%n') E$o% 2eep stopping5G she says) # slip -a*2 o%t o1 her ar+s5 rel%*tantly) #<+ *on1%se'5 +esse' %p) # want her5 -%t so+e .ag%e .oi*e in +y hea' tells +e it<s wrong to ha.e her) Part o1 +e says we -elong together5 tells +e to

*ra'le her *lose an' ne.er let go) /he see+s to want +e5 an' # want her6-%t # 2nowJ# knowJ#<+ not goo' eno%gh 1or her) E(e nee' to sleep5G # say) E$o% *an ha.e the -e')G # t%rn away5 -%t her han' *at*hes +y el-ow) E# 'on<t want to sleep alone5G she says) E#<.e slept alone 1or so long) # A%st6 # want to -e hel') Please7G /he<s .%lnera-le again5 s%''enly) # sho%l'n<t) #t<s te+pting an' # ha.en<t 1ig%re' o%t what<s right

or wrong) !%t # *an<t say no) E# *o%l' 'o that5G # say) E# wo%l' lo.e nothing +ore5 i1 #<+ -eing honest)G Nell Chapter 9: Fhosts9 One !reath at a Ti+e 3.ery single 1i-er o1 +y -eing is s*rea+ing at +e) #<+ li@%i' in his ar+s) "ire -%rns in +y .eins) F%ilt an' pea*e rage in +y -rain5 warring) # tol' hi+) # tol' Colton +y se*ret g%ilt) # *rie') # so--e' 1or ho%rs) 0o%rs an' ho%rs) # 'on<t e.en 2now how long) n' go'5 'i'

that 1eel goo') !%t the g%ilt re+ains) # 2now it<s ri'i*%lo%s) # know5 -%t go''a+nit5 # *an<t sha2e the g%ilt) n' now5 it<s all *o+po%n'e' a +illion ti+es -y Colton<s -rawny ar+s aro%n' +e) Fo'5 # still *an<t 1atho+ the raw5 sa.age5 +as*%line glory o1 the +an) # ha'n<t seen hi+ in two years5 an' then # saw hi+ on a -en*hJsinging that song o1 thingsJan' he<' -%l2e' %p in that ti+e) 0ar'*ore) 0e<'

-een a -east at the 1%neral5 stret*hing the slee.es o1 his s%it *oat) Now7 0oly hell) ?y +o%th went 'ry as a 'esert when # saw hi+ -%s2ing o%tsi'e Central Par2) #n2;-la*2 hair 'own aro%n' his eyes an' *%rling a-o.e his *ollar5 +essy5 shaggy5 per1e*t) 0is eyes5 those ha'n<t *hange'5 so%l;spearing sapphires) !%t his -o'y7 Oh go'5 oh go'6ohmigod) The tattoos t%rn his torso into a li.ing +%ral5 poetry in s*ript along his ri-s5 a 'ragon on his right

sho%l'er -reathing 1ire on &apanese *hara*ters5 the 1ire sprea'ing li2e wil'1ire 'own his -a*2 an' 1a'ing into a gol'en s%n on his spine5 an ar*hai*;loo2ing thing5 li2e a *o+pass rose5 al+ost) pin%p girl in silho%ette on his le1t ar+5 +ore s*ript lettering on his opposing ri-s5 Natin it loo2s li2e) ?%si* notes s*attere' o.er -oth 1orear+s5 stars5 s%ns5 s2%lls an' *ross-ones5 iron *rosses +i4ing an' +erging an' Aoining it all) 0e<s a

+asterpie*e o1 s2in art) +asterpie*e o1 -%l2y +ale +%s*le5 har' an' hea.y an' h%ge) 0e<s terri1ying) 1or*e o1 .iolent power5 raw -r%tality) 0e 'estroye' Dan) Too2 a har' -eating in the pro*ess an' see+e' *o+pletely %n1aCe' -y the -ro2en nose5 the -lows to the ri-s an' *hest5 the *%ts on his 1a*e) Dan was a +onster5 an' Colton rippe' hi+ apart easily) #t was the hottest thing #<.e e.er seen9 the s*ariest thing #<' e.er

seen) Colton<s 1%ry was a pri+al thing5 so thi*2 an' hot # *o%l' 1eel it in the air) 0is eyes were the eyes o1 *ol'5 *al*%lating warrior5 terri1ying 1or the i*y 1%ry) #<+ *o+pletely %na-le to resist hi+) 0e wants +e5 -%t won<t gi.e in to it) (hi*h # get5 # really 'o) 0e<s +y 'ea' -oy1rien'<s -rother) #t<s A%st6wrong) 'ow did you two meet* 8h, we met at his brothers funeral. 'is baby brother, my first love. weso+e) !%t Colton is6#<+ sa1e with

hi+) 0e 'raws the tr%th o%t o1 +e) 0e 'raws the pain o%t o1 +e) Colton 2nows pain) 0e<s inti+ately 1a+iliar with it) Ni.es with it) F%ilt too) Colton has se*rets5 an' # want to 2now the+ all) # want his +o%th on +e) 0is han's on +e) # nee' it) #t +a2es +e 1eel ali.e) /a1e) Prote*te'5 treas%re') Colton will5 literally5 2ill anyone who +ight h%rt +e) 0e nearly 'i' 2ill Dan) ?ight ha.e5 a*t%ally) # 'on<t want to 2now) # want to 2now why Colton is

alone in New $or2 when his 1ather is a Congress+an) (hy he was 1or*e' into -a*2 alley priCe 1ights to s%r.i.e) (hy he en'e' %p in a gang) # want to 2now why Colton won<t 2eep 2issing +e) (hy he always p%lls -a*25 why he thin2s he<s no goo') No goo'5 when he<s the +ost a+aCing person #<.e e.er +et) /o 1rea2ing talente') 0is 'eep5 gra.elly5 raspy .oi*e5 insane g%itar s2ills5 his passion when he per1or+s)

That song he sang to +e5 a *appella7 ?ost -ea%ti1%l thing #<.e e.er hear') /o Aarringly sa') The loneliness5 the longing in that song was wren*hing) # 'on<t thin2 it ha' a title5 # 'on<t thin2 anyone -%t +e has e.er hear' hi+ sing it) n' now7 Oh5 now his ar+s are aro%n' +e5 hol'ing +e *lose) /o *lose) # want to t%rn in his ar+s an' -%rrow *lose5 nestle in an' let the war+ strength o1 his -o'y wash o.er +e) Ni2e this5 spooning5 his ar+ 'rape' o.er +y waist

an' not to%*hing +e too inti+ately5 this is al+ost platoni*) l+ost) # want +ore) Dare #7 # 'are) # twist in pla*e5 an' Colton stirs5 loosens his grips5 +a2es a low so%n' in his throat5 sleepy) #t +a2es +e s+ile5 that little +oan) 0e<s on his si'e5 'oesn<t roll away when # -%rrow into hi+) # press +y 1a*e to the hollow %n'er his *hin5 sli'e +y pal+ o.er his ri-s to *%rl aro%n' his -a*2) # -reathe in his s*ent5 let the heat o1 his -o'y

war+ +e) Oh go') This +ight ha.e -een a +ista2e5 -e*a%se this 1eels entirely too per1e*t) #<ll ne.er want to sleep any other way) ?y other ar+ is *%rle' -eneath the pillow %n'er +y hea'5 an' his -o'y is a shelter5 a 1ortress # *an lose +ysel1 in) # *an 1eel his p%lse th%+ping in his throat against +y nose5 an' # *o%nt the -eats5 wait 1or sleep) #t *o+es5 so sweetly) No 'rea+s) No e+pty shoe5 no re';sli*2 +%'5 no -loo' 1roth) &%st sleep5

Colton<s han' on +y hip) # +ay or +ay not ha.e p%t his han' on +y hip) O2ay5 # 'i') n' # lo.e it) # sho%l'n<t5 -%t # 'o) #<+ going to gi.e in to this) Ti+e heals all wo%n's5 right7 (ell5 +ay-e #<.e ha' eno%gh ti+e5 an' now # A%st nee' to +o.e on5 let go) 0a.e so+ething that +a2es +e happy5 a1ter so long in +isery) QQQ # wa2e slowly5 li2e 'ri1ting to the s%r1a*e o1 a la2e a1ter 'i.ing 'eep) The 1irst thing #<+ aware o1

is the thumpthump)thumpthump o1 Colton<s heart-eat %n'er +y ear) Fo'5 # lo.e that so%n') Then # -e*o+e aware o1 his -o'y5 har' yet so1t -eneath +e) #<+ -asi*ally on top o1 hi+5 hal1 o1 +y torso on his *hest an' sto+a*h5 +y leg o.er his5 +y 1oot -etween his) Then # -e*o+e aware o1 +y han') #t<s on his -elly) O2ay6well a*t%ally5 it<s not @%ite his -elly) #t<s a -it lower than that) lot lower) n' #<+ *%pping a part o1 his -o'y that is +ost 'e1initely

awa2e) Pery5 very awa2e) n' h%ge) Thi*2) ?y han' is on it) 0ol'ing it) Oh go') Oh shit) Oh go') 0is -reathing is e.en5 so1tly so%ghing in an' o%t) 0e<s still asleep5 then) The +aAor pro-le+ in this sit%ation is that # 'on<t want to +o.e +y han') # want to to%*h hi+) #t<s -een so long5 an' the tho%ght o1 hi+5 o1 what +y han' is to%*hing6# 1eel a *len*h 'own low in +y *ore5 a g%sh o1 'a+p 'esire)

# *an<t really help it) # sli'e +y pal+ 'own5 then -a*2 %p) 0e shi1ts5 rolls his hips %p an' then rela4es) # 'o it again5 slowly5 gently5 g%iltily) # wat*h in h%ngry 1as*ination as his a-s ripple an' tense as he rolls his hips again) 0e +oans5 a l%pine growl 'eep in his *hest) 0is -reathing st%tters5 an' then he ta2es in a 'eep -reath) # loo2 'own) sli.er o1 pin2 shows at the top o1 his gy+ shorts) # li*2 +y lips) #<+ so aw1%l) This is so wrong5 so st%pi'5 so sl%tty)

!%t # 'on<t stop) 0is shorts are hi2e' %p aro%n' his thighs5 an' yet t%gge' 'own low on hips -y the way he<s +o.ing5 shi1ting) /o now5 the .ery tip o1 hi+ is pee2ing o%t 1ro+ -eneath his shorts) # glan*e %p at his r%gge' 1a*e5 la4 an' han'so+e an' inno*ent in repose) 0e swallows5 shi1ts his 1a*e to the si'e5 li1ts his lower hal1 %p slightly into +y to%*h) # 'on<t 2now what #<+ 'oing5 why5 where it<s going to go) 0e<s still 'eeply asleep5 s%*2ing in long5

e.en -reaths5 letting the+ o%t on a slight an' a'ora-le snore) 0is ar+ is aro%n' +e5 *%rling o.er +y -a*2 an' *%pping +e to hi+5 his other han' on his *hest) n' now his han' sli'es 'own +y -a*25 1alls li+p an' lan's on +y ass) $es) # li2e that) # shi1t %p a little so his pal+ an' 1ingers are *l%t*hing +y le1t ass *hee2) (hat a+ # 'oing7 #<+ s%*h a 1%*2e';%p +ess) 0e stoppe' 2issing +e while # was %pset to a.oi' ta2ing a'.antage o1 +e5 an' here

# a+ 1on'ling hi+ in his sleep5 getting *heap thrills o11 his han' to%*hing +y -%tt while he snores inno*ently) #t<s so wrong5 -%t # t%g his shorts a little lower5 so +ore o1 hi+ pee2s o%t) Now # *an see the thi*2 pin2 +%shroo+ hea'5 the tiny hole at the tip5 the groo.e aro%n' the -otto+ o1 the hea') # s@%eeCe +y eyes sh%t an' tell +ysel1 to stop) #t 'oesn<t wor2) # to%*h the pin2 1lesh with +y th%+-5 -iting +y lip) /o so1t5 li2e .el.et) # *an<t help

stro2ing his length again5 an' # swallow har' in appre*iation) #t ta2es +e a ri'i*%lo%sly long ti+e to stro2e hi+ 1ro+ root to tip) # -ite +y lip har'5 A%st to +a2e s%re #<+ not 'rea+ing) The sharp twinge o1 pain tells +e #<+ awa2e) wa2e5 an' *learly a sl%t with no +orals) # +ean5 # ha.en<t to%*he' anyone li2e this sin*e :yle) #<.e 2isse' a 1ew g%ys in an atte+pt to 1or*e +ysel1 to +o.e on5 in an atte+pt to ease the a*he o1 nee' that #<.e *arrie' in +y -elly 1or so long) !%t none o1 the

g%ys # 2isse' e.er ignite' any 2in' o1 spar2 in +e) &%st 'ea'5 nothing) Dan trie' an' trie'5 an' # really 'i' try to get into it) # ne.er *o%l') # *an<t a**%rately say there<s a spar25 with Colton) No5 it<s way5 way -eyon' a spar2) &%st loo2ing at hi+ lights a 1ire) To%*hing hi+5 -eing to%*he'5 e.en inno*ent to%*hes5 e.en his han' in +ine *reates an in1erno) This7 To%*hing hi+ so inti+ately5 so eroti*ally7 $o% *o%l' light a +at*h 1ro+ the

wa.es o1 palpa-le heat ra'iating 1ro+ +e5 1la+es o1 'esire 1anne' hotter e.ery se*on') # *an<t stop stro2ing hi+) Mp an' -a*2 'own5 *aressing his length5 e4ploring his thi*2ness thro%gh the swishy 1a-ri* o1 his shorts) 0e +o.es in ti+e with +e5 now5 an' he<s wa2ing %p) ?oaning5 writhing %n'er +y to%*h) # *an<t stop now) # thin2 he<s *lose) # press +y th%+- to his tip again an' r%- in *ir*les5 an' # 1eel his -o'y tense -eneath +ine) # glan*e %p at his eyes5 wat*h the+ 1li*2 open an' wa.er in

*on1%sion5 then st%tter an' -lin2 as he *o+es) ?y gaCe 1lits 'own to wat*h the white strea+ *o.er his -elly) EThe 1%*27G 0is .oi*e is +%CCy an' an' p%CCle' an' slow) 0e<s awa2e5 he<s release'5 -%t still thi*2) # sli'e +y han' into his shorts an' ta2e hi+ in +y han'5 an' # -ite +y lip at the satiny har'ness o1 hi+) 0is eyes +eet +ine5 an' # *an tell he<s won'ering i1 he<s awa2e5 how he sho%l' 1eel5 what to say)

E#<+ sorry5G # whisper) E# wo2e %p to%*hing yo%5 -y a**i'ent) n' then # *o%l'n<t stop)G E + # 'rea+ing7G he as2s5 wary) # sha2e +y hea') ENope)G 0e loo2s 'own at hi+sel15 at the +ess on his -elly) E/o yo% A%st6G # no') E$eah)G E(hile # was sleeping7G # no' again5 an' # *an<t +eet his eyes any+ore) E$eah) # 'on<t 2nowJ#<+ sorry) #J# *o%l'n<t help it) # 2new # sho%l'n<t5 -%t # A%st6G # trail o115 %na-le to +a2e a *o+plete senten*e) # s%*2 in a

'eep -reath an' try again) E$o% were so har' an' -ig an' it ha' -een so long5 an' #JG ENell5G he *%ts in) E/h%t %p)G # sh%t %p) ENoo2 at +e5G he or'ere') # 1or*e' +y eyes to his) E#<+ sorry5G # whispere') E# sai' sh%t %p)G # wrin2le' +y 1a*e at his harsh tone5 -%t 2ept +y +o%th *lose' an' waite' 1or hi+ to *ontin%e) E# 'on<t e.en 2now what to say) # tho%ght # was 'rea+ing)G 0is eyes -ore into +e5 -l%e an' hot li2e a -%nsen -%rner 1la+e) E$o%

want to 2now what # was 'rea+ing a-o%t7G # no') E nswer +e) O%t lo%')G This is a new Colton) !ossy5 'ire*t) #<+ not s%re i1 # sho%l' -e pisse' at the way he<s -ar2ing or'ers5 or t%rne' on -y it) # settle 1or -oth) E$es5 Colton) # want to 2now what yo% were 'rea+ing a-o%t)G ?y tone is so1t an' s%-+issi.e5 -%t # 2now +y eyes -etray +y ire) 0is 1a*e is i+passi.e) E$o%) # was 'rea+ing o1 yo%)G 0is eyes narrow) E# was 'rea+ing o1 yo%

'oing what yo% apparently were a*t%ally 'oing)G E(as it a goo' 'rea+7G # as25 'aring) EDi' yo% li2e that 'rea+7G # trail +y 1ingertip thro%gh the sti*2iness on his -elly5 eyeing hi+ 1ro+ -eneath lowere' lashes) 0e s%*2s in a sharp -reath5 wat*hing +y 1inger tra*ing patterns on his s2in5 then his gaCe 1li*2s to +e again) E#t was a *on1li*te' 'rea+) # sho%l'n<t ha.e wante' it to not -e 'rea+) # sho%l'n<t ha.e

wante' it to -e real) !%t # 'i')G # try to ignore the th%n'er o1 +y p%lse in +y ears) E(hy sho%l'n<t yo%7G 0e 1rowns) E!e*a%se6-e*a%se o1 e.erything)G E/ay it o%t lo%') ll o1 it)G # *an -e -ossy too) E!e*a%se yo% were in lo.e with :yle)G E0e<s gone) #t wo%l'n<t -e *heating)G # swallow har'5 -e*a%se a part o1 +e says that<s a .ery .ery .ali' reason why not) !e*a%se it wo%l' -e) # wo%l' -e *heating on hi+)

E$o%r t%rn to say it all)G E/ay what7G E(hat yo%<re thin2ing)G # -egin tra*ing the 2anAi on his *hest5 the orange;yellow 1la+es5 the 'ragon<s eye) E#<+ a liar) #t wo%l' -e *heating) #t wo%l' -e *heating on his +e+ory) !%t6 that<s -%llshit)G 0is hea' sin2s -a*2 an' he t%rns asi'e to stare at the wall) # wat*h his Aaw *len*h an' release5 wat*h the 1ine -la*2 st%--le on his tan s2in shi1t) E0ow 1%*2e' %p is that7G 0e says5 -arely a%'i-le) 0e gets o%t o1 -e'5 ta2es a

*o%ple steps a*ross the hall an' into the -athroo+) # wat*h hi+ wet a wash*loth an' *lean his sto+a*h o11) 0e *o+es -a*2 an' slips -a*2 into -e' ne4t to +e5 on his si'e5 1a*ing +e) EThat<s what # was thin2ing5 too5 tho%gh5G he says) E#t<s -%llshit5 -%t # *an<t sha2e the 1eeling) $o% an' +e wo%l' -e6an a11ront to his +e+ory) !%t that<s A%st -%llshit5 -e*a%se he<s 'ea' an' he<' want -oth o1 %s to -e happy)G E(ell that<s st%pi' too) #1 he was

ali.e5 he<' want +e)G E!%t he<s not)G E#s this an arg%+ent or a 'is*%ssion7G # as2) 0e h%11s a la%gh) E# 'on<t e.en 2now)G 0e t%rns -a*2 to loo2 at +e) E(hat yo% A%st 'i'7 That *hanges shit)G E# 2now)G ?y wor's aren<t e.en a whisper5 they<re less) E re yo% +a'7G 0e -o--les his hea' -a*2 an' 1orth) E?a'7 No) Not +a') Con1%se') Not gonna lie5 it was 2in'a sha'y) # *o%l'n<t tell yo% # wante' it5 or that # 'i'n<t)G

# *ho2e) E# 2now) # 2now) #<+ so sorry) #J# 1eel 'isg%ste' with +ysel1)G EDon<t) &%st 'on<t) #<+ no -etter) $o% were asleep an' # too2 yo%r *lothes o11JG E$o% were +a2ing +e *o+1orta-le5G # interr%pt) 0e tal2s o.er +e) E# wante' to see yo% again) # wante' to see yo%r sweet5 ro%n' ass) # to%*he' yo%r thigh)G E!%t yo% 'i'n<t +a2e +eJyo% 'i'n<t 'o what # 'i')G 0e r%-s his 1a*e with his 1ree han') E#s this a *o+petition7 (hi*h

one o1 %s is +ore o1 an asshole7G # as2) #n +y hea'5 tho%gh5 #<+ st%nne' -reathless -y what he sai') 0e wante' to see +y Esweet5 ro%n' ass)G #<.e always tho%ght # ha' too +%*h ass) #t<s an inse*%rity) Co++on5 # 2now5 -%t %nsha2ea-le) # still r%n li2e a 1ien'5 -e*a%se it<s one o1 the 1ew ti+es # *an -e 1ree o1 'rea+s an' +e+ories an' night+ares an' g%ilt) Then5 when #<+ 'r%n25 an' when #<+ playing +%si*) !%t no +atter how # r%n5 +y ass is ro%n' an' +y -reasts

hea.y) E#<' win that *o+petition5 han's 'own) No @%estion5G Colton says) E$o% ha' a +o+ent o1 wea2ness5 or so+ething) #<+ an asshole all the ti+e)G E$o%<re wrong)G # shi1t %p his -o'y an' +eet his eyes 1ro+ a *o%ple in*hes away) :issing 'istan*e) E#t wasn<t a +o+ent o1 wea2ness) #t was a lot o1 +o+ents o1 'esire) n' yo%<re not an asshole)G E(hat 'o yo% want5 Nell7G E# alrea'y as2e' yo% that @%estion5 re+e+-er7G

E/o neither o1 %s 2nows what we want7G 0is eyes sear*h +ine5 an' his han' ins*ri-es *ir*les on the s+all o1 +y -a*2) ENo) $es) # 2now what # want5 -%t #<+ not s%re i1 it<s right or wrong) # 'o 2now that how # went a-o%t getting it was wrong5 tho%gh) /o 1or that5 #<+ sorry)G E/o yo%<re saying yo% sho%l'<.e 'one what yo% 'i'5 -%t while #<+ awa2e7G 0is pal+ *ontin%es to *ir*le5 -%t +o.es lower) # ar*h +y -a*2 s%-tly5 -%t eno%gh) 0e noti*es5 an' his eyes wi'en5 his nostrils 1lare5 his lips

thin5 his -reathing goes 'eep) E$es5G # say) # ha.e to A%st own what # 'i'5 what # want) 0e was all too right when he sai' what # 'i' *hanges things) # *an<t go -a*2 now) # 2now how he 1eels in +y han') # 2now how his -o'y 1eels -eneath +e5 an' # want +ore o1 it) # 2now how his han' 1eels on +y ass) n' # 2now he wants this as +%*h as # 'o5 an' we<re -oth *on1li*te' a-o%t it) # +eet his eyes an' hol' his gaCe

as he e4plores 'ownwar') # -ite +y lip when he -egins %p the swell o1 +y ass) (hen # got in -e'5 #<' strippe' o11 +y Aeans5 so all # was wearing was a tiny yellow thong) triangle o1 sil2 o.er +y *ore5 strings o.er +y hips5 a string 'own +y *ra*2) # too2 o11 +y -ra5 too5 so # only ha' on a tiny t; shirt5 a 1itte' thing5 -l%e *otton with a po*2et o.er the right -reast5 a glittery p%rple heart on the po*2et) 0e 1ollows the line o1 the

waist-an' o1 +y thong aro%n' +y hip5 his eyes lo*2e' on +ine5 an' he slowly an' 'eli-erately *%ps +y le1t *hee2) # sear*h his eyes5 an' see +y e+otions re1le*te' -a*2 at +e: *on1li*te' 'esire) E# 1orgi.e yo%5G he says5 an e.er; so;s%-tle s+ir2ing tilt to the si'e o1 his +o%th) E 1ter all5 it was a really aweso+e 'rea+)G 0e e4plores the line o1 the string -etween +y *hee2s) #<+ hol'ing +y -reath5 an' # *an<t see+ to *at*h it) 0e sli'es his pal+ %p the other si'e5 then -a*2 'own5

*aressing +y thigh5 then the other) Fo') Oh go') Now %p +y spine5 %p +y -are -a*25 %n'er the shirt) 0is 1ingers5 his pal+ on +y s2in5 tra*ing 1ire) 0is 1ingers go -etween +y ar+ an' +y ri-5 see2ing a**ess 1rontwar') # shi1t +y ar+5 sli'e +y pal+ %p his *hest5 hesitate at his sho%l'er5 then 'o as #<.e wante' to 'o 1or so long5 it see+s5 an' s*rat*h o.er the st%--le on his Aaw) This a*tion gi.es hi+ a**ess5 an' he +o.es his han' aro%n' +y

ri-s to -r%sh the o%tsi'e *%r.e o1 +y -reast s+ashe' against his *hest) E(hat are we 'oing here5 Nell7G he as2s5 his .oi*e his .oi*e a raspy whisper) # sha2e +y hea' an' li1t one sho%l'er) E# ha.e no i'ea) !%t # li2e it)G E?e too)G 0e p%lls +e *loser5 higher) # go with hi+5 shi1ting so #<+ entirely on +y si'e5 hea' proppe' %p on one han'5 leg sl%ng o.er his thighs5 1ree han' on his -reast-one) Now #<+ e4pose') ?y shirt is hi2e' %p so the %n'ersi'es o1 +y

-reasts pee2 -eneath the he+) # silently 'are hi+5 en*o%rage hi+ with +y stillness5 +y stea'y gaCe on his too;-l%e eyes) Oh+igo') #od. 0e ta2es the 'are) Pal+ on +y -elly at 1irst5 # thin2 he +ight go so%th5 an' # thin2 he *onsi'ers it5 then +o.es %p5 north to the he+ o1 +y shirt) # was alrea'y hol'ing +y -reath5 -%t +y throat gets tighter5 +y l%ngs -%rn5 +y heart either stops -eating or po%n's wil'ly5 # *an<t 'e*i'e whi*h)

Then his ro%gh an' gentle an' h%ge han' *ra'les +y -reast -eneath the shirt) # ha.en<t ta2en a -reath in at least thirty se*on's) Oh go'5 oh go'5 ohmigod) 0is han' 1eels so a+aCing) /*rat*hy5 har') ?y -reasts are 1airly -ig5 C; *%ps5 al+ost a D5 -%t he *an pal+ one easily) 0is pal+ s*rapes +y nipple5 an' now +y -reath -lasts in5 r%shing thro%gh +e an' +a2ing +e 'iCCy) EColton6G # '%*2 +y hea' an' -%ry +y 1orehea' on his

sho%l'er) ENoo2 at +e5 Nell5G he *o++an's5 so1tly -%t 1ir+ly) # 'o) 0is eyes are hoo'e' an' serio%s) ET%rning point5 right here) $o% 'on<t want this5 yo% ha.e to tell +e now) Fet %p an' go) This<ll all -e 1orgotten) #<ll -e yo%r 1rien') !%t say so now) ICa%se any 1%rther5 we<re in it all the way)G # g%lp) # no') # -ite +y lip an' loo2 away) EFo'5 1%*2 +e) Don<t do that5G he says5 his .oi*e ragge') #<+ p%CCle') EDo what7G

E!ite yo%r lip) #t 'ri.es +e wil') !ite yo%r lip an' it<s o.er) $o%r +o%th is +ine)G 0is .oi*e is so ro%gh5 now5 so raw an' raspy it .i-rates against +e an' siCCles 'eep in +y *ore) EFoo' to 2now5G # whisper) 0e +o.es his han' away) EDe*i'e now5 Nell) ll in5 yo%<re +ine5 or we preten' this ne.er happene')G E#<+ yo%rs7G ?y .oi*e is so1t an' tre+%lo%s) E$o% as2ing7 Or telling7G E#JColton5 # *o%l'n<t 1orget6 -%t weJG # *%t +ysel1 o115 2nowing #<+ an in*oherent +ess)

Mn*ons*io%sly5 # -ite +y lip again5 an' Colton growls) E# 1%*2ing tol' yo%) Don<t6 do6that) # *an<t ta2e it) ?y *ontrol is in shre's here5 an' yo%<re -iting yo%r lip again)G E(hy 'oes it +a2e yo% so *raCy7G # as25 playing 1or ti+e) Ti+e 1or what5 # 'on<t 2now) # 2now what # want) !%t now6 with Colton -e*o+ing the 'ire*t an' *o++an'ing person again5 #<+ shy5 %ns%re5 inse*%re5 a1rai') #<+ all o.er the 'a+n pla*e) ?olesting

hi+ in his sleep5 then %na-le to A%+p in when he +a2es it *lear he wants +e li2e # 'o hi+) #<+ a l%nati*5 *learly) E# 'on<t 2now5G he says) E#t<s A%st a thing) $o% -ite yo%r lip5 an' # want to ta2e that lip into +y +o%th an' s%*2 on it li2e a popsi*le) # want to li*2 yo%r lips an' -ite the+ an' 2iss yo% %ntil yo%<re 1%*2ing lost an' gasping an' p%''le' on the 1loor)G (ell6shit. # want that) Ner.es7 Fone) # 1eel +y heart 'oing this weir' thing5 swelling5 ha++ering5

st%ttering5 a*hing5 an' # 2now #<.e 'e*i'e') # -ite +y lip5 an' it<s o.er) E"%*2) $o%<re *raCy5 -a-y)G 0is .oi*e is a 1eral snarl5 spo2en thro%gh *len*he' teeth) # 'on<t e.en see hi+ +o.e) One se*on' he<s o.er there5 the ne4t he<s sla++ing into +e5 lips *r%shing +ine5 an' tr%e to his wor'5 he ta2es +y lower lip into his +o%th an' s%*2s on it5 tong%es it) #<+ Aarre' an' sho*2e' -y the s%''en .iolen*e o1 his 2iss5 an' then # +elt as he s%*2s on +y

lip) n' then #<+ p%re li@%i' -eneath hi+5 -e*a%se he<s a-r%ptly gentle5 ta2ing +y 1a*e in his han's5 gaCing at +e with o%r lips -arely to%*hing5 an' then he 2isses +e slowly an' so thoro%ghly5 so 'eeply5 #<+ A%st6lost) 0is +o%th +o.es on +ine5 *lai+s +e5 steals +y heart with his lips5 ta2es +y -o'y with his +o%th) (e<' 2isse' -e1ore5 an' it wasJ e.ery ti+eJthe -est 2iss #<' e.er ha') ?y heart *len*hes when

# realiCe this in*l%'es5 -y a lan'sli'e5 e.ery 2iss :yle e.er ga.e +e) There<s A%st no *o+parison) That h%rts5 that 'oes) #t h%rts so sweet5 so 'eep5 so strange5 # A%st 'on<t 2now what to 'o with it) This 2iss6#<+ gone) Fone) # 2now5 in that +o+ent5 that # -elong to hi+) #t<s what he sai': #<+ his) 0ow it happene'5 # 'on<t 2now) # really wish # 'i') ENast *han*e5 Nelly;-a-y)G 0is .oi*e is in +y ear5 not e.en a whisper5 A%st -reathe' s%-.o*aliCation that # 1eel on +y

ear) ETell +e yo% 'on<t want this)G # p%sh hi+ %p an' # see the h%rt in his eyes -e1ore # *an *orre*t hi+) 0e starts to get o115 -%t # *at*h his -i*ep an' still hi+ in pla*e) # *%rl +y 1ingers %n'er the he+ o1 +y shirt an' peel it o11) Colton<s eyes go wi'e an' he li*2s his lips) E# want this)G # say it as lo%' as # *an5 whi*h is a -reathless gasp5 at +ost) E# nee' this)G 0is eyes *hange5 then) They go 1eral) Oh -oy5 here we go)

ETa2e o11 yo%r thong an' sprea' yo%r legs)G E/ay please)G # 1in' strength in the ga+e) ?y terror5 +y .%lnera-ility a-ates5 an' #<+ than21%l) 0e A%st stares at +e) # 'on<t +o.e to *o+ply) 0e sha2es his hea' an' hal1;-lin2s in 'is-elie1) n' then he t%gs on +y thong an' it *o+es apart) 0e 'i'n<t Aer2 it5 he 'i'n<t e4pen' any e11ort) 0e A%st p%t two 1ingers aro%n' the string at +y hip5 two 1ingers o1 the other han' insi'e the triangle o.er +y

*ore5 an' t%gge') 3ip) Fone) #<+ na2e') That easy) E# li2e' that thong5G # proteste') E/ho%l'<.e listene' then)G 0e sli'es his 1ingers 'own +y -elly5 whi*h *len*hes5 an' a*ross +y p%'en'%+ an' 'own +y tight; *la+pe' thighs) ENow5 sprea' yo%r legs an' 1eel 1ree to s*rea+) No one *an hear)G E(haJoh.G # 'on<t e.en ha.e ti+e to pro*ess +y *on1%sion -e1ore his tong%e is 'oing so+ething wi*2e' to +y *lit)

# sprea' +y legs) (i'e) # t%*2 +y heels against +y -%tto*2s an' let +y 2nees 1all apart) #<+ sha+eless) E$eah5 Nelly) &%st li2e that5G he -reathes onto +y 1ol's) EFo'6 damn. /weet as s%gar)G # -l%sh at his wor's5 an' then #<.e got no hea'spa*e 1or anything -%t the s*rea+s ripping 1ro+ +y throat) !e*a%se god6#<.e ne.er 1elt anything li2e this) Not e.er) # writhe on the -e'5 ar*h %p5 -%*2 in ti+e to his tong%e<s lapping) n' then6oh yeah5 it gets -etter) 0e

sli'es a 1inger insi'e +e an' *%rls it5 an' # A%st6lose it) # *o+-%st) # s*rea+ so lo%' it h%rts +y own ears5 %pon whi*h # *la+p +y teeth together an' past gritting Aaws) ETr%st +e7G 0is .oi*e is a s%rprise5 an' #<+ so lost in sensation # 'on<t e.en %n'erstan' his wor's) E(haJwhat7G EDo) $o%) Tr%st +e)G 0is 1ingers ha.en<t stoppe' their *%rling an' swirling an' e4ploring) E$o%r 1ingers are insi'e +e5 so

yes)G E$o% +ight want to -ite a pillow)G E(hy67G # start the @%estion5 -%t # ne.er 1inish it) EOh6shit9= 0e la%ghs5 -%t it<s a please' la%gh) 0e<s got two 1ingers in +y 1ol's now5 an' a thir' is6oh hell) # 'on<t e.en -elie.e it5 *an<t e.en 1atho+ or %n'erstan' it5 -%t it<s down there) Dirty an' 'ar2) # -ite a pillow) ?y entire e4isten*e is a .orte4 o1 raging e*stasy) # si+ply *annot *ontain it) #<+ *o+ing apart at the sea+s5 an'

#<+ not e.en *o+ing yet) Or +ay-e # a+) ?ay-e this is what lies -eyon' the e'ge5 an' this is the 1irst ti+e #<.e e.er really -een here) # 'on<t 2now) # *an<t 2eep it in) # s*rea+ into the pillow5 an' # so-5 an' # ar*h5 an' # -%*2) # 1in' +y 1ingers tangle' in his hair an' *r%shing hi+ wontonly against +e5 e.en as #<+ -egging hi+) !egging hi+ to what5 # 'on<t 2now) EColton6Colton6please6oh go'5 ohgo'5 ohmigod6G /ee7 + # as2ing hi+ to stop7

To ne.er e.er stop5 not e.en to -reathe7 # 'on<t 2now) #t<s A%st a tiny intr%sion5 really5 the .ery tip o1 his 1inger wiggling insi'e +e in +y 1or-i''en pla*e) !%t it<s earth;shattering) E(hat6what are yo% 'oing to +e7G # as2) E?a2ing yo% *o+e) "ingering yo%r tight5 .irgin asshole)G 0e ret%rns his +o%th to +y 1ol's an' s%*2s +y t%rgi' n%- into his +o%th5 an' # s*rea+5 ar*h into hi+) E#<+ getting yo% rea'y)G EOea'y 1or what7G # want to

2now) Fo'5 'o # want to 2now) There<s +ore7 ECo+e5 an' #<ll show yo%)G E# tho%ght # was *o+ing7G 0e *h%*2les) EOh no)G 0e rea*hes %p with his 1ree han'5 an' s%''enly he<s e.erywhere) Pin*hing +y nipple an' rolling it5 an' 1ingering +e5 *%rling an' thr%sting5 li*2ing5 s%*2ing6 ECo+e) Now)G #t<s a *o++an'5 an' # ha.e no *hoi*e -%t to o-ey) # e4plo'e into pie*es5 li@%i' an' 1ire an' s*rea+s an' so-s) *t%al so-s) Ni2e5 with tears)

n' then6then he *rawls %p +y -o'y li2e the pre'ator he is) The st%--le aro%n' his +o%th is wet) "ro+ +e) # -l%sh5 har') 0oly go'5 oh+igo'5 oh shit) 0e<s so h%ge) ll +%s*le an' -roa' lines an' har' e'ges5 so -ig a-o.e +e) 0is presen*e -lo*2s o%t the worl') ll # see is tattoos an' s2in an' sapphire eyes an' sa-le hair) n' then # glan*e 'own5 an' see his6his him) 0is *o*2) # li2e that wor') # ne.er %se it) # starte' swearing openly a1ter :yle 'ie') # A%st 'i'n<t *are any+ore) !%t se47 Fone) No

part o1 +y li1e5 a1ter that) # swore5 # *%rse'5 # 'ran25 -%t # *o%l'n<t 1atho+ se4) # -%rie' +ysel1 in *lasses at a *o++%nity *ollege an' wor2e' 1or Da''y in his o11i*e an' saw no one5 'i' nothing5 was no one) # wor2e') # st%'ie') # playe' +%si*) # was the li.ing 'ea'5 a g%ilt;ra.age' shell) Now6#<+ ali.e) /o ali.e) n' # li2e 'irty wor's) #<+ sha+eless) n' # li2e it) Partially -e*a%se the g%ilt o1 what we<re 'oing is a new 2in' o1 pain5

an' pain *enters +e) !a*2 to his *o*2) #t<s6glorio%s) # A%st6oh go') # 1elt it5 -e1ore) !%t seeing it all5 e.ery thi*2 in*h *o+ing 1or +e6# 1orget to -reathe an' -ite +y lip) EDon<t worry) #<ll -e *are1%l)G 0is .oi*e is so5 so ten'er) 0e tho%ght # was a1rai'5 # thin2) n' s%''enly5 with that realiCation5 # a+) #<+ terri1ie') /*are' shitless) nother realiCation washes o.er +e5 an' it -rings wa.e a1ter wa.e o1 pain5 g%ilt5 sha+e5 an' tears)

ENell7 (hat is it7 (hy are yo% *rying7G 0e 1alls to the si'e o1 +e an' n%CCles +y 1a*e with his nose) E/hit) /hit) # 'i' this) Too +%*h) Fo'6damn it)G 0e presses his pal+ to his 1orehea') ENo6G # *ho2e the wor' o%t past g%t;ra*2ing so-s) ENo) Not yo%6G EThen what7G E(ell5 yeah)G # -reathe 'eep an' *law +y nails 'own +y 1orear+) The pain 'oes its Ao- an' *al+s +e) E#t<s yo%5 -%t not6not what yo%<re thin2ing)G E?a2e sense5 'a+n it5G he growls)

E/orry) /orry)G # g%lp air an' t%g at +y hair5 p%lling %ntil it h%rts) E$o%<re A%st so +%*h) /o much) /o +%*h +ore than6anyone) /o +%*h +ore thanJthan :yle)G n' with that last wor' #<+ so--ing again) E"%*2)G 0e<s o.er +e5 on an el-ow an' gaCing 'own at +e5 -%t # *an -arely see hi+ thro%gh the -l%rry -%rn o1 salt in +y eyes) ENell5 #<+ A%st +e) # 2now # sai' last *han*e5 -%t6it<s 'one) O2ay7 Don<t6'on<t -e a1rai') Don<t6

go') #<+ s%*h a 1%*2ing 'i*2) Noo25 this is a-o%t yo%5 o2ay7 #<+ sorry # p%she' yo% into this)G # la%gh past so-s) E$o%<re s%*h an i'iot5G # +anage) t whi*h he tenses5 1roCen sti11) E(hat7 (hat 'i' yo% *all +e7G 0is .oi*e is 'ea'ly *ol') # twist to loo2 at hi+5 an' # see that he<s li.i'5 Aaw har' an' tense'5 ne*2 +%s*les *or'e') EColton5 #J# A%st +eant that # wasn<t a1rai'5 not o1 yo%) n' # sai' yo%<re an i'iot -e*a%se yo%<re a*ting li2e

yo% p%she' +e into this) $o% 'i'n<t) # p%she' you into this)G 0e<s sha2ing5 he<s so +a'5 an' #<+ *on1%se' an' terri1ie') E#<+ sorryJ#<+J# 'i'n<t +ean it6 please6#JG E/h%t %p 1or a se*on' an' let +e *al+ 'own5 I2ay7G # no' an' hol' a-sol%tely still) 1ter a 1ew +in%tes5 he spea2s in a +%*h *al+er .oi*e) E# ha.e an iss%e with that wor') (ith -eing *alle' an i'iot5 or st%pi') Or anything li2e that) Oetar'5 '%+-ass5 shit li2e that6it<s a -%tton 1or +e) Don<t

say it) Not e.er5 not e.en in Ao2e) Fot it7G # no') E$eah) # got it) #<+ sorry) $o%<re not an i'iot) $o%<re a+aCing) $o%<re6so +%*h) That<s +y point) #t<sJG ENo nee' to go o.er-oar' trying to +a2e %p 1or it5G Colton interr%pts) # *an<t help snapping +y gaCe to his5 sear*hing hi+5 won'ering what happene' to hi+ to +a2e that s%*h an iss%e 1or hi+) O-.io%sly5 so+eone %se' to ins%lt his

intelligen*e reg%larly) "or it to -e s%*h a h%ge pro-le+ 1or Colton5 there<s only really one pro-a-le so%r*e) # A%st *an<t see ?r) an' ?rs) Calloway 'oing that) They were always so s%pporti.e o1 :yle5 so lo.ing5 so 2in') /tri*t5 at ti+es5 espe*ially as it *a+e to +a2ing s%re any p%-li*ity was positi.e5 -%t that<s %n'erstan'a-le) E# wasn<t5G # say @%ietly) E# was e4plaining why # s%''enly starte' -awling li2e girl)G E$o% are a girl5G he points o%t) E$eah5G # say) E!%t %ntil yo% -a'gere' +e into tal2ing a-o%t

things5 # ha'n<t *rie' at all) # +ean6 at all)G Colton shi1ts on the -e' to loo2 at +e) E$o% ne.er *rie' a-o%t what happene' to :yle7G ENo)G E$o% ne.er grie.e'7G 0e so%n's al+ost in*re'%lo%s) EFrie.e'7G The i'ea see+s 1oreign) 0e says it li2e it<s e4pe*te') 0e li1ts %p his hea' to stare at +e) E$eah) Frie.e') (ent thro%gh the stages)G 0e 1lops -a*25 r%--ing -etween his eyes with

his 1ingers) EO1 *o%rse yo% 'i'n<t) Pro-a-ly why yo%<re so 1%*2e' %p a-o%t it)G # throw an ar+ o.er +y 1a*e to hi'e +y irritation an' h%rt an' the onset o1 stinging eyes) E0e 'ie') # 'ealt with it)G Colton snorts) ENo) $o% 'i'n<t 'eal with shit) $o%<re a cutter5 Nell)G E# ha.en<t 'one that in wee2s)G #<+ aware that #<+ r%--ing the s*ars with +y th%+-5 -%t # *an<t help it) 0e ta2es +y han's an' 1or*es

the+ apart5 tra*es the pattern o1 white lines with a 1inger tip) #t<s a ten'er gest%re that sears +y heart5 +a2es +y Aaw tre+-le) 0is eyes are +o%rn1%l) EFoo'5G he says) 0is eyes +eet +ine5 an' they t%rn 1ir+5 har') E#1 yo% e.er *%t yo%rsel1 again5 #<ll -e +a') Ni2e5 really really pisse') $o% 'on<t want to see that)G No5 # s%re as hell 'on<t) # 'on<t answer hi+ tho%gh) # *an<t pro+ise that) #<.e +anage' to not *%t in

a while5 si+ply -e*a%se #<.e ha' Colton on the -rain5 an' that<s eno%gh *on1%sion to ta2e +y +in' o11 the %rge to -lee' +ysel1 n%+-) Colton isn<t 1oole') 0e ta2es +y *hin in two strong 1ingers an' t%rns +y hea' to 1a*e hi+) EPro+ise +e5 Nell)G 0is eyes are *er%lean intensity) E"%*2ing pro+ise +e) No +ore *%tting) $o% 1eel the %rge5 yo% *all +e) $o% get +e5 we 'eal together5 o2ay7G # wish # *o%l' +a2e that pro+ise) # *an<t) 0e 'oesn<t %n'erstan' how 'eep the nee' is)

# hate it5 # really 'o) # always 1eel e.en +ore g%ilty a1ter #<.e *%t5 whi*h +a2es the pro-le+ e.en worse) #t<s li2e this ha-it # *an<t sha2e5 -%t it<s not A%st a ha-it5 li2e an a''i*tion #<+ asha+e' o15 s+o2ing or pill popping or whate.er) # 2now he gets the nee' to *%t5 -%t he 'oesn<t realiCe how e+-e''e' in +e the %rge is) # ha.en<t answere') #<+ staring at the *eiling5 sha2ing) # want to pro+ise hi+) # want to -e heale'5 to ne.er want to s*ore lines o1

pain into +y wrists5 +y 1orear+s again) Colton sits %p5 an' he<s still na2e'5 not har' any+ore an' #<+ 1as*inate' -y his not;ere*t *o*2) #t<s a 'istra*tion5 an' only +o+entary) Colton gra-s +e5 li1ts +e5 an' #<+ on his lap5 in his ar+s5 1or*e' to +eet his angry glare) E"%*2ing pro+ise5 Nell)G ENoHG # wren*h +ysel1 1ree5 s*ra+-le away5 o11 the -e'5 away 1ro+ his hot s2in an' har' +%s*les an' angry5 pier*ing eyes) ENoH

$o% *an<t say that to +e5 yo% *an<t 'e+an' that o1 +e) $o% 'on<t %n'erstan'H $o% *an<t A%st appear in +y li1e an' try to *hange it li2e this)G E$es # *an)G 0is .oi*e is *al+ -%t intense) 0e<s still on the -e'5 wat*hing +e) #<+ h%nting the pile o1 *lothes on the 1loor 1or +ine5 -%t # *an<t 1in' +y shirt or +y panties5 so # settle 1or a T;shirt o1 Colton<s) #t hangs to +i';thigh5 an' it<s so1t an' it s+ells li2e hi+5 whi*h is

*on1%sing an' *o+1orting an' in*re'i-le) ENo) $o% *an<t) $o% 'on<t 2now +e) $o% 'on<t 2now what # went thro%gh) $o% 'on<t 2now how # 1eel)G E$o%<re right) !%t #<+ trying to)G E(hy7G E!e*a%se yo% sho%l' ne.er ha.e -een le1t alone to 'eal) $o% sho%l' ne.er ha.e -een allowe' to -%ry it all an' let it 1ester) :yle<s 'eath is an open wo%n' insi'e yo%) #t<s ne.er heale'5 ne.er s*a--e' o.er) #t<s all 1%*2ing nasty an' gangreno%s5 Nell) #t<s

rotting) $o% nee' to let so+eone in) $o% nee' to let +e in)G E# *an<t6# *an<t6G #<+ r%nning5 now) O%t o1 his roo+5 into the 2it*hen) #t<s 'rin2 or *%t) 0e<s -ringing it all %p5 1or*ing all the shit #<.e -%rie' to the s%r1a*e) 0e 2nows it an' he<s 'oing it on p%rpose) #<.e 2ept it all 'own 1or so long5 an' whene.er it threatene' to *o+e %p5 *o+e o%t5 #<' 'rin2 %ntil it settle' -a*2 'own5 or #<' *%t an' -lee' it o%t rather than 1eel

it5 rather than *ry or s*rea+ or -e angry) # 2now he has whis2ey so+ewhere5 -%t # *an<t 1in' it) #t<s not in the 1ri'ge5 an' # *an<t rea*h high eno%gh to loo2 in the *%p-oar' a-o.e the 1ri'ge where # 2now it +%st -e) # *li+- on the *o%nter5 rea*h 1or it5 an' lose +y -alan*e) # 1all5 sla++ing har' into the 1loor5 an' the -reath is 2no*2e' o%t o1 +e) #t<s *o+ing %p) #t *a+e %p when he 1or*e' +e into tears5 when he +a'e +e a'+it # 2ille' :yle) The g%ilt *a+e %p an' o%t5 an'

that h%rt5 li2e 2ni.es shre''ing +y heart) This7 This is the grie1) The loss) The 2nowle'ge that :yle is gone) O1 *o%rse he<s gone5 #<.e 2nown that) !%t this is the grie1) The h%rt) The loneliness) #t<s worse than the g%ilt) # always 2new the g%ilt was wrong an' +ispla*e') The g%ilt # *an<t A%sti1y away5 *an<t shi1t or e4plain or -%ry any longer) #<+ 1ighting so-s5 1ighting the *len*hing in +y sto+a*h an' heart)

No) No) # won<t let it o%t) 0e 1or*e' o%t the g%ilt) 0e *an<t 1or*e o%t the grie1) # 'on<t want it) #t<s too +%*h) #t<ll shre' +e) 'rawer sla+s open5 sil.erware rattles) #<+ not aware o1 +o.ing5 -%t it<s +e 'igging in the 'rawer 1or a 2ni1e) Net hi+ -e +a') # 'on<t *are) # hear his 1eet sto+ping5 now) 0e<' -een gi.ing +e spa*e to *al+ 'own # g%ess5 -%t now he 2nows what #<+ 'oing) 0e<s too late) The pain is a -lesse' relie1) #

wat*h in g%ilty satis1a*tion as a thin line o1 re' wells %p on +y 1orear+) The 2ni1e wasn<t .ery sharp5 so # ha' to press) #t<s a 'eep *%t) E(hat the fuck7G Colton5 wearing shorts5 r%shing at +e5 angry5 s*are') ENell6what the fuck7G # 'on<t -other answering) #<+ 'iCCy) !lee'ing) # loo2 'own an' see the sprea'ing re'5 an' it<s too +%*h) # *%t 'eep) Too 'eep) Foo') The grie1 sli'es away an' sli*2s a*ross the s*rat*he' la+inate 1loor)

#<+ in his ar+s5 an' there<s press%re aro%n' +y ar+) white towel5 t%rning pin2;to;*ri+son) 0e<s s@%eeCing +y ar+ so har' it h%rts past the *%t;pain) The towel is wrappe' aro%n' +y ar+5 an' then a -elt *in*he' tight) #<+ -etween his 2nees5 +y -a*2 to his 1ront) # 1eel his har' *hest an' his 1ranti*5 panting -reath5 his ar+s aro%n' +y sho%l'ers) 0e<s hol'ing the -elt in one han'5 +y wrist in the other) 0is 1a*e is presse' to the top o1 +y hea')

0is -reath h%11s lo%' in +y ear5 on +y hair) EFo''a+n it5 Nell) (hy7G # 1in' +y .oi*e) The h%rt in his wor's is palpa-le5 as i1 #<' *%t hi+ rather than +ysel15 an' # want to soothe it) O'') # want to soothe his pain5 the h%rt o.er +y *%t) E# *an<t ta2e it5G # whisper5 -e*a%se a whisper is all # *an +anage) E#t<s too +%*h) 0e<s gone5 an' he<s not *o+ing -a*2) ?y 1a%lt or not6he<s gone) 0e<s 'ea') 0e<s -ones in a woo' -o45 a

1a'ing +e+ory) Nothing stops that pain) Not e.en ti+e)G E# 2now)G E$o% dont)G The last wor' is growle'5 ra-i') E$o% weren<t there) $o%<re not in +y hea') $o% 'on<t 2now)G E0e was +y -a-y -rother5 Nell)G 0is .oi*e so%n's al+ost as -ro2en as +ine) E!%t6yo% le1t when we were ele.en) $o% ne.er e.en *a+e -a*2 to .isit)G That was so+ething that :yle an' # ne.er tal2e'

a-o%t5 -%t # 2new it *on1%se' hi+5 h%rt hi+) 0is parents wo%l'n<t tal2 a-o%t Colton) E$eah5 well6# 'i'n<t ha.e +%*h *hoi*e) # was -arely s%r.i.ing) # +isse' hi+ e.ery single 'ay) # wrote a tho%san' letters to hi+ in +y hea' while # trie' to 1all asleep on par2 -en*hes an' in -o4es in alleys5 *o.ere' in newspapers) tho%san' letters #<' ne.er -e a-le to write5 *o%l'n<t write) # *o%l'n<t a11or' 1oo' or shelter5 +%*h less a -%s ti*2et -a*2 to Detroit)G

/o+ething in what he sai' stri2es +e as o''5 -%t #<+ 'iCCy an' wea2 an' 1oggy an' *an<t pla*e what) 0e lets go the press%re o1 the +a2eshi1t to%rni@%et5 gingerly li1ts the towel away) !loo' seeps o%t slowly5 -%t sl%ggishly) #<+ li1te' an' *arrie'5 an' # let +y hea' 1lop against his -roa' *hest) 0e sets +e on the -e'5 .anishes5 *o+es -a*2 with a roll o1 ga%Ce5 +e'i*al tape5 an' a t%-e o1 Neosporin)

E$o% pro-a-ly sho%l' ha.e stit*hes5G he says5 1ol'ing a -an'age an' pla*ing it o.er the *%t an' rolling ga%Ce tightly aro%n' +y ar+) E!%t # 2now yo% won<t get the+) /o this<ll ha.e to wor2)G E0ow 'o yo% 2now # won<t7G # as2) E(ill yo%7G E0ell no) !%t how<' yo% 2now7G # wat*h as he tapes the e'ges 'own) E# wo%l'n<t ha.e5 i1 it were +e) There<' -e @%estions an' so*ial ser.i*es an' psy*hologists an' the psy*h war') (orst o1 all5

they<' *all yo%r parents)G 0e p%t two 1ingers -eneath +y *hin5 a th%+along +y Aaw) E(hi*h is what yo%<ll get i1 this shit happens again) #<ll r%sh yo% to the 1%*2ing 3O an' #<ll *all yo%r go''a+n parents +ysel15 li2e # sho%l' this ti+e5 -%t won<t)G E(hy not7G # whisper) E!e*a%se they<' get it all wrong) #t<s not a *ry 1or attention or any o1 that psy*ho-a--le -%llshit)G 0e tips his 1orehea' to to%*h +ine) E!e*a%se # *an help yo%5 i1 yo%<ll let +e) (e *an get yo%

thro%gh this)G (e7 /hit) Shit) ?y eyes still an' +y lip tre+-les an' +y *hest hea.es) ?y instin*t is to *a%se pain to stop the tears) Colton 2nows this -y now5 gathers +e *lose an' hol's +e against his *hest) 0e<s 'eter+ine' to 'o this5 to -e all s%pporti.e an' lo.ing) (hi*h is e4a*tly what #<.e always -een terri1ie' o1 a'+itting # want so so -a'ly) 34*ept he<s tena*io%s a-o%t not letting +e hi'e or lie or retreat or preten'5 an' he 2nows

all +y tri*2s) ENet6it6go5G he whispers5 his .oi*e a 1ier*e5 harsh so%n' in +y hair) ENo) !o9G The last wor' is s*rea+e') E$o% ha.e to) $o% *an<t -lee' it o%t) $o% *an<t 2eep preten'ing5 'rin2ing it 'own)G sh%''er5 a tre+-le5 +y teeth *la+ping 'own on +y lower lip) ?y 1ingers *law into the har' sla- o1 +%s*le that is his pe*toral) #<+ not so--ing) #<+ not) Fo''a+nit5 yes # a+) E#t h%rts so 1%*2ing -a'5

Colton6G the wor's are nearly lost in a sea o1 *ho2ing so-s an' sh%''ering5 -o'y;wra*2ing gasps 1or -reath) E# want hi+ -a*2H # 'on<t want to wat*h hi+ 'ie any+ore)G # so- an' so-5 an' he A%st hol's +e) 3.ent%ally # p%ll +ysel1 together an' let wor's po%r o%t o1 +e) EO.er an' o.er # see it) 3.ery ti+e # *lose +y eyes5 # see hi+ 'ie) # 2now it<s not +y 1a%lt5 # always 'i') # *on.in*e' +ysel1 it was +y 1a%lt -e*a%se that was

-etter than the pain o1 hi+ -eing gone)G E0e<s gone) $o% ha.e to a**ept it)G E# 2now) #t A%st h%rts)G Now *o+es the har'est a'+ission o1 all) E# 1in' +ysel1 1orgetting hi+) # see hi+ 'ying o.er an' o.er5 -%t # *an<t re+e+-er what he s+elle' li2e) (hat his ar+s 1elt li2e hol'ing +e) (hat se4 with hi+ 1elt li2e) (hat 2issing hi+ 1elt li2e) # *an<t re+e+-er hi+) n' # won'er so+eti+es i1 # e.er really lo.e'

hi+) #1 it was A%st teenage in1at%ation) Thin2ing # lo.e' hi+ -e*a%se he was +y 1irst) !e*a%se we<' 1%*2e') # 'on<t 2now) # 'on<t re+e+-er) n' now there<s yo%5 an' yo%<re6-etter than he was) /tronger) $o% t%rn +e on in a way # 'on<t re+e+-er with hi+) $o% +a2e +e 1eel things he ne.er 'i') The way yo% 2iss +e5 it<s -etter than # re+e+-er his 2isses -eing) (hen yo% +a'e +e *o+e5 # realiCe' #<' ne.er 1elt anything li2e it5

e.er) 0ver) Not in all the ti+es # was with :yle in the two years we were together)G s*rea+ o1 raw i+potent pain an' sel1;loathing an' anger an' grie1 tears o%t +y throat9 Colton *l%t*hes +e tighter an' lets +e s*rea+) Doesn<t sh%sh +e or @%iet +e or whisper anything or tell +e it<s o2ay) E#<.e 1orgotten hi+5 ColtonH # ne.er e.en lo.e' hi+5 an' he<s goneH n' #<ll ne.er get hi+ -a*2 an' #<ll ne.er -e o2ayHG

E"orgetting is the +in'<s way o1 helping yo% heal) 0elping yo% +o.e on) $o% did lo.e hi+5 Nell) 0e was yo%r 1irst) $o%r -est 1rien' -e1ore that) # 2now that +%*h a-o%t yo% two) $o% were insepara-le 1ro+ -irth) $o% 'i' lo.e hi+) $eah5 he<s gone an' it 1%*2ing s%*2s +ore than anything) 0e was ta2en 1ro+ yo% too soon5 1ro+ all o1 %s) # *an<t +a2e that o2ay) !%t yo% have to -e o2ay) $o% ha.e to let yo%rsel1 heal an' +o.e on) $o%<re st%*2 in the +o+ent o1 his 'eath5 right now)

No*2e' into a *y*le with no way o%t) $o% ha.e to -rea2 the *y*le)G E# 'on<t 2now how)G E"eel) Frie.e) Net yo%rsel1 1eel all the anger at the 1a*t that he was ta2en 1ro+ yo%) "eel the loss o1 hi+) "eel the sa'ness an' the +issing hi+) Don<t -lo*2 it o%t5 'on<t *%t so it so stops5 'on<t 'rin2 yo%rsel1 n%+-) &%st sit an' let it all rip yo% apart) n' then get %p an' 2eep -reathing) One -reath at a ti+e) One 'ay at a ti+e) (a2e

%p5 an' -e shre''e') Cry 1or a while) Then stop *rying an' go a-o%t yo%r 'ay) $o%<re not o2ay5 -%t yo%<re ali.e5 an' yo% will -e o2ay5 so+e'ay)G E$o% +a2e it so%n' easy)G E"%*2 no5 it<s not easy) #t<s the har'est thing e.er) !%t it<s the only way) (hat yo%<re 'oing is gonna 2ill yo%)G # hear the personal 2nowle'ge o1 this in his .oi*e) E$o%<.e 'one this)G 0e sighs) E$eah) ?ore than on*e)G E:yle7G

E0i+ too)G E(ho else7G 0e -reathes o%t again5 a long 1r%strate' -reath) E"rien's) !rothers) girl #6so+eone # lo.e')G ETell +e)G E"%*2) Oeally7 $o% want to hear this now7G # no' an' he growls in his *hest) E"ine) The 1irst one was one o1 +y -est -%''ies5 /plit<s an' +ine) T;/hawn) /plit grew %p ne4t to hi+) T;/hawn an' /plit starte' the "i.e;One !ishops together) There was a r%+-le on a -as2et-all *o%rt5 a

t%r1 thing) "ists +ainly5 a 1ew *hains5 one asshole ha' a -at) Then it es*alate') One o1 the other g%ys p%lle' a 2ni1e) /ta--e' T in the 1%*2ing throat) # wat*he'Jwat*he' hi+ -lee' o%t all o.er +y han's5 +y ar+s) # wat*he' T 'ie5 hel' hi+ in +y 1%*2ing ar+s as he -le' o%t6 an' then # 2ille' the +other1%*2er) Cr%she' his go''a+n hea' against the *o%rt %ntil # saw -rains) Co%l'n<t stop +ysel1) T was a goo'

g%y) goo' 1rien') gentle g%y5 really) !%t he ha' the -a' l%*2 to -e -orn in the ghetto) in<t +%*h yo% *an 'o -%t what yo% gotta 'o to 2eep -reathing) #t ain<t e.en really a *hoi*e5 1or +ost) #t<s A%st li1e) Ni1e in the hoo') 0ow shit wor2s) T was s+art5 +an) Co%l' ha.e gone to *ollege5 written so+e s+art shit5 -een so+eone5 i1 he<' ha.e ha' the opport%nity) Di'n<t) Now he<s 'ea')G E#<+ sorry)G EThen another -rother got shot) Nil /ha'y) (e weren<t 1rien's at 1irst) 0is girl ha' a thing 1or +e5

whi*h he 'i'n<t li2e) # ne.er 'i' nothing with her5 -%t6he 'i'n<t li2e +e 1or it) 3.ent%ally we got past that shit5 an' ha' ea*h other<s -a*2s when things got %gly) /ha'y too2 a sl%g to the hea') Di'n<t see that shit5 than2 go') !%t he was gone5 an' it s%*2e') &%st6 gone) #<' s+o2e' a -l%nt with hi+ an ho%r -e1ore he 'ie'5 yo% 2now7 n' then /plit an' ?o were -anging in +y 'oor5 *arrying /ha'y5 yelling a-o%t so+e other gang 'oing a 'ri.e-y)G 0e<s gone5 his

eyes .a*ant5 seeing the past) ECo%ple others thro%gh the years5 sa+e shit 'i11erent 'ay) None as *lose as /ha'y an' T5 tho%gh)G 0e trails o11 an' # realiCe he<s lost in the +e+ory) # tangle +y 1ingers with his) E$o% sai' a girl5 too7 /o+eone yo% lo.e'7G EThat was the worst 'ay o1 +y li1e) The reason # 'e*i'e' to @%it the gang an' li.e straight5 -%y the shop an' try to get away 1ro+ all that shit)G 0e '%*2s his hea'5

-%ries his 1a*e into +y *%rls5 ta2es a 'eep -reath) E0er na+e was #n'ia) /o 1%*2ing -ea%ti1%l) 0er +o+ was -la*25 her 'a' was :orean) l+on' shape' eyes5 long straight -la*2 hair 'own to her waist5 -o'y li2eJwell5 a 'a+n 1ine one) /%*h a sweet girl) Too sweet to -e li.ing in the ghetto5 to -e *a%ght %p in the shit she was *a%ght %p in) /he was 1rien's with /plit<s girl1rien') /he was aro%n' a lot5 an' #<' noti*e' her) /een her5

li2e' her) /een her loo2ing at +e) (e 1inally en'e' %p the last two awa2e a1ter a party one night5 h%ng o%t on the 1ire es*ape tal2ing till 'awn) /he wante' to go to -ea%ty s*hool5 or +ay-e -e a +o'el5 she wasn<t s%re whi*h) Co%l'a -een great at either)G long pa%se5 then) Too long) # *an<t 1ill it tho%gh) # wait 1or hi+) E(e 'ate' 1or a year) Date' isn<t really the right wor'5 I*a%se it wasn<t li2e # was ta2ing her to

!roa'way an' Nittle #taly or so+e shit5 yo% 2now7 (e were together 1or a year5 is what # +eant) "%*2) # *an<t tal2 a-o%t this)G 0is .oi*e *ra*2s5 he ta2es a 'eep -reath5 lets it o%t5 an' *ontin%es) E0a' so+e shit go 'own with a ri.al gang5 a *o%ple r%+-les5 whate.er) Oo%tine shit) #t went -a') Fot separate' 1ro+ /plit an' the+5 *hase' on 1oot 1or 1%*2ing +iles -y +ore g%ys than # *o%l' ta2e alone) Di'n<t +ean to5 -%t # le' the+ to

#n'ia) /he was hanging with her girl1rien's5 *o%ple o1 their g%ys) /ees +e *o+ing 'own the street5 2new # was in tro%-le) Calle' the g%ys o%t to help) /o the g%ys an' # ta2e *are o1 things an' # got hit in the sho%l'er5 -%t whate.er5 wasn<t too -a') Nast one was tal2ing shit5 -%t # *o%l' see he was rea'y to r%n) (e let hi+) "%*2ing6he ran o115 then stoppe' a-o%t a h%n're' 1eet away an' -laste' a shot5 li2e a last I1%*2 yo%)< #n'ia was on the por*h5 too2 it straight -etween the 1%*2ing eyes) Total

1rea2 a**i'ent) # *o%l' see the g%y<s 1a*e) 0e was li2e Ioh shit<5 -e*a%se e.ery-o'y 2new #n'ia) Di'n<t +atter who yo% -elonge' to5 yo% 2new #n'ia5 yo% ha' to lo.e her5 respe*t her ass) /he was that sweet) 0e got *appe' the ne4t 'ay5 not +e5 -%t it happene') Di'n<t +atter tho%gh) /he was gone) ll that -ea%ty5 all that sweetness5 all that lo.e 1or e.eryone5 no +atter who yo% were6A%st gone)G # 1eel wetness in +y hair5 hear tears in his .oi*e) # shi1t5 swi.el5 p%ll hi+ to +e) # hol' his 1a*e to

+y *hest an' 1inally %n'erstan' what he +eant -y letting yo%rsel1 A%st -e shre''e') Colton is a har'ass5 to%gh an' strong an' stoi*) !%t he<s A%st6-ro2en -y the +e+ories) n' this is years later) E/he was the 1irst girl # e.er lo.e') # +ean5 # ha' girl1rien's -e1ore that5 yo% 2now7 # e.en tho%ght # was in lo.e with a *o%ple o1 Ie+5 -%t it wasn<t lo.e) #t was like lo.e5 almost lo.e) !%t when yo% 1eel that 2in' o1 all;*ons%+ing

nee' 1or so+eone5 a person yo%<' 'o 1%*2ing anything 1or5 no +atter what7 They<re in yo%r 1%*2ing s2in5 in yo%r so%l5 li2e the essen*e o1 who they are is i+printe' on yo% so *o+pletely that the .ery air yo% -reathe an' ea*h +ole*%le o1 who yo% are is tangle' together) That<s lo.e) # lo.e' her li2e that)G Colton<s .oi*e is6 shattere') E n' she<s gone) That<s why # ha.e this shit on +y *hest5 the s*ars) # *o%l'n<t 'eal) # *o%l'n<t a**ept

that she was 'ea' 1or the longest ti+e) #t h%rt so -a'5 so 'eep that # A%st ha' to stop it so+ehow5 # ha' to 1eel so+ething -esi'es the e+otional agony) #t was /plit who sa.e' +e) ?a'e +e 1a*e what happene' an' how # 1elt an' let it go)G 0e la%ghs5 a ro%gh -ar2) E$o% 'on<t e.er really let go5 tho%gh) $o% 'on<t stop) $o% 'on<t stop h%rting5 yo% 'on<t stop lo.ing) #t 'oesn<t go away5 yo% A%st 2eep li.ing an' e.ent%ally shit gets p%she' into the -a*2gro%n' o1 yo%r li1e

so it<s not *ons%+ing yo% e.ery 'ay) n' then one 'ay5 yo% 2now yo%<re o2ay) #t still h%rts5 yo% still +iss that person) n' yeah5 yo% 1orget the 'etails) The way she s+elle'5 the way her +o%th taste'5 how her s2in 1elt5 the so%n' o1 her .oi*e) #t<s al+ost li2e a 'i11erent li1e5 a 'i11erent person that lo.e' her5 was with her) !%t on a 'ay;to;'ay le.el5 yo% 2now yo%<re o2ay) /ort o1)G E n' yo% learn to lo.e so+eone else7G # as25 -e*a%se # ha.e to 2now)

0e sits %p an' now we<re 1a*ing ea*h other5 *ross;legge') E# 'on<t 2now a-o%t that)G 0is eyes are .%lnera-le5 letting +e in) E#<+ wor2ing on it5 tho%gh) #<ll let yo% 2now)G 0e +eans +e) E0ow 'o yo% *o+pete with a ghost5 Colton7G # whisper the @%estion into a long silen*e) 0e shr%gs) E# 'on<t 2now) $o% 'on<t) $o% A%st %n'erstan' that there<s a part o1 yo% that yo% *an<t gi.e away5 -e*a%se it -elongs to a 'ea' person) # 'on<t 2now)G ECan we 'o this7 $o% an' +e7

$o% with yo%r ghost o1 #n'ia5 +e with +ine o1 :yle7G 0e ta2es +y han's5 r%-s +y 2n%*2les with his th%+-s) E ll we *an 'o is try5 'o o%r -est) Fi.e as +%*h as we ha.e to gi.e5 one 'ay at a ti+e) One -reath at a ti+e)G E# 'on<t 2now how to 'o this) #<+ s*are')G #<+ %na-le to loo2 at hi+5 %na-le to +eet his eyes) 0e 'oes the thing with his 1ingers on +y *hin5 tilting +y 1a*e to his) 34*ept this ti+e5 he 'oes it an' leans in5 an' his lips -r%sh

+ine) E# 'on<t either5 an' so a+ #) !%t i1 we want to li.e5 to not -e hal1;ghosts o%rsel.es5 st%*2 lo.ing the +e+ory o1 so+eone who<s gone5 then we ha.e to try)G 0e 2isses +e again) E(e %n'erstan' ea*h other5 Nelly) (e<.e -oth lost so+eone we lo.e) (e -oth ha.e s*ars an' regrets an' anger) (e *an 'o this together)G # -reathe thro%gh the 1ear5 the tre+-ling5 the 'esire to es*ape) E# li2e it when yo% *all +e Nelly) No one has e.er *alle' +e that

-e1ore)G 0e A%st s+iles an' hol's +e *loser) Chapter 10: /ilen*ing the Fhosts . month later Things ret%rne' to so+ething li2e nor+al5 e4*ept Colton wo%l' *o+e o.er an' hang o%t) Things re.erte' to a less physi*al stage5 altho%gh # 1elt A%st as +%*h attra*tion to hi+5 i1 not +ore5 an' # 1elt his eyes on +e 1re@%ently) (e 2isse' a 1ew ti+es5 -%t we see+e' to ha.e p%t an %nspo2en hol' on

physi*al a11e*tion) #<+ not s%re why this is) #<+ not s%re i1 # li2e it) # want hi+) # nee' his to%*h) # atten' *lasses at N$M5 # r%n5 # wor2 +y shi1ts as a *o*2tail waitress5 an' # play +%si*) n' # see Colton5 -%t not nearly eno%gh) -o.e all5 # try not to 1rea2 o%t a-o%t +y i+pen'ing a**eptan*e or reAe*tion to the *ollege o1 per1or+ing arts) #n all the *raCiness o1 +eeting Colton in the par2 an' the s%-se@%ent e.ents5 # +anage' to a*t%ally 1orget the letter is

*o+ing) The letter *o+es5 1inally5 -ro%ght in along with all +y other +ail -y Colton) #<+ sitting on +y 2it*hen *o%nter5 1eet on a *hair5 pra*ti*ing a song when Colton 2no*2s on +y 'oor5 entering e.en as he 2no*2s) 0e han's +e the sta*2 o1 en.elopes5 whi*h # sort thro%gh) The letter 1ro+ N$M is on the -otto+5 o1 *o%rse) (hen # get it5 +y heart starts po%n'ing an' # 'rop all the other +ail) E(hat is it7G Colton as2s5 seeing +y rea*tion)

E# applie' to the *ollege o1 per1or+ing arts at the %ni.ersity) #t<s not a g%arantee' a**eptan*e thing5 an' this letter tells +e i1 # got in or not)G # sli'e +y 1inger %n'er the 1lap an' p%ll the single sheet o1 paper o%t) t whi*h point +y *o%rage 1ails +e an' # wig o%t5 1lapping +y han's an' shrie2ing li2e a teenager) E# *an<t loo2H $o% rea' it to +e5G # say5 han'ing it to hi+) Colton ta2es it5 glan*es at it5 then han's it -a*2) ENo5 it<s yo%rs) $o% rea' it)G There<s an o'' e4pression on his 1a*e whi*h #

*an<t interpret) E#<+ too ner.o%s5G # say) EPlease7 Oea' it to +e7G E$o% sho%l' rea' it yo%rsel15 Nelly;-a-y) #t won<t -e the sa+e as yo% rea'ing the a**eptan*e yo%rsel1)G E$o% 'on<t 2now # got in5G # say5 sho.ing it at hi+5 *%rio%s an' irritate' now) EPlease7 Please rea' it to +e7G # sho%l'n<t p%sh this5 # 2now) # *an see -y the har'ening o1 his 1eat%res that this is an iss%e) -%tton) !%t now # ha.e it in +y teeth an' #<+ not letting go)

ENo5 Nell) #<+ not rea'ing it to yo%) #t<s yo%r a**eptan*e letter5 not +ine)G 0e t%rns away5 'igging a 1ist into his po*2et an' rattling loose *hange) 0e<s staring o%t the win'ow5 his sho%l'ers h%n*he'5 his Aaw tense') ECo+e on5 Colton) (hat<s the -ig 'eal7 # want to share this +o+ent with yo%)G 0e whirls on +e5 eyes hot an' paine' an' angry) E$o% want to 2now the -ig 'eal7 # *an<t 1%*2ing rea'H O2ay7 That<s the -ig 'eal)

# *an<t 1%*2ing rea')G 0e t%rns -a*2 to the win'ow5 1ists *%rle' at his si'es) #<+ st%nne') E(ha;what7 $o% *an<t rea'7 Ni2e6at all7 0owJ how is that possi-le7G # approa*h hi+ 1ro+ -ehin' an' tentati.ely5 gingerly5 lay a han' on his sho%l'er) 0is +%s*%lar sho%l'er is a ro*2 -eneath +y han') 0e 'oesn<t t%rn when he spea2s5 an' his .oi*e is pit*he' so low # ha.e to strain to hear hi+) E#<+ 'ysle4i*) Ni2e5 severely) #

can rea'5 -%t really5 really -a'5 an' it ta2es +e 1%*2ing 1ore.er to get thro%gh e.en the si+plest senten*es) go''a+ne' 1irst; gra'er *an rea' -etter than +e5 o2ay7 #1 # sit in an a-sol%tely silent roo+ with no 'istra*tions an' 1o*%s really har' 1or an ho%r or two5 # +ight -e a-le to p%CCle o%t one 1%ll arti*le in a newspaper5 whi*h is written at a 1i1th;gra'e le.el or so+e shit)G /o +%*h *li*2s into pla*e now)

EThat<s part o1 why yo%<re here5 in New $or25 isn<t it7 Part o1 the iss%e with yo%r parents)G 0e -o-s his hea' twi*e5 a short5 sharp Aer2 o1 a*2nowle'ge+ent) E$eah) #t<s -een a pro-le+ +y whole li1e) !a*2 when # was a 2i'5 shit was less 1ig%re' o%t than it is now) Nowa'ays5 yo% got all sorts o1 reso%r*es 1or Ilearning 'isa-le'< 2i's li2e +e5G he %ses air @%otes aro%n' the phrase) EThey got #3Ds an' learning la-s an' t%tors an' all sorts o1 ni1ty shit) (hen # was a 2i'5 in a r%ral

'istri*t li2e where we grew %p5 # 'i'n<t ha.e none o1 that) They A%st tho%ght # was st%pi') /o 'i' +y parents) They ha' +e teste' an' st%115 -%t 'ysle4ia wasn<t a h%ge thing on people<s ra'ar5 or whate.er5 so they 'i'n<t 2now what to loo2 1or an' # 'i'n<t 2now how to e4plain what +y 'eal was)G E ll # really 2now a-o%t 'ysle4ia is that it<s got so+ething to 'o with 'i11i*%lty rea'ing)G # r%- +y han' in *ir*les on his granite sho%l'er

0e no's5 an' 1inally t%rns to +e) # swallow har' an' 'e*i'e to p%sh past the -arrier -etween %s) # *lose in against hi+5 p%sh +y -o'y 1l%sh with his5 sli'e +y han's %p %n'erneath his ar+s an' *l%t*h his -a*2) # tilt +y hea' %p to loo2 at hi+5 resting +y *hin on his *hest) 0is s*ent an' his heat an' his har'ness into4i*ate +e5 a hea'y r%sh o1 nee' -olting thro%gh +e) E$eah5 -asi*ally5 -%t it<s +ore than that5G he says) E#t<s6 nothing written 'own +a2es any

sense to +e) Netters5 n%+-ers5 senten*es5 +ath e@%ations6e.erything) # *an 'o a shitloa' o1 1airly a'.an*e' +ath in +y hea'5 #<.e got a goo' .o*a-%lary5 # %n'erstan' gra++ar5 -%t it all has to -e orally *o++%ni*ate' to +e) Tell +e a wor'5 what it +eans5 an' it<s +ine) 34plain a +athe+ati*al i'ea to +e5 # got it5 no 1%*2ing pro-le+) (rite it 'own7 Nothing) #t<s li2e things A%st A%+-le %p5 rearrange into

nonsense) # loo2 at this paper here5G he taps the page in +y han' with a 1ore1inger5 Ean' # see the letters) # 2now the alpha-et5 # *an te*hni*ally rea'5 # *an 'o Ir%n spot r%n<) !%t when # loo2 at the paper5 # swear it<s all -%llshit5 A%st letters that +a2e no sense) # ha.e to 1o*%s on ea*h letter at a ti+e5 ea*h wor'5 so%n' it o%t5 1ig%re it o%t) n' then # ha.e to go -a*2 an' p%t the senten*e all together an' the paragraph an' the page5 an' that %s%ally +eans # ha.e to

wor2 it all o%t all o.er again) #t<s 1%*2ing la-orio%s as all hell)G E ll the songs yo% write5 the lyri*sJG E ll in here)G 0e taps his hea') E# *o+pose the lyri*s5 the +%si*5 e.erything5 in +y hea')G #<+ st%nne') E$o% 'on<t ha.e any o1 it written 'own anywhere7G 0e la%ghs5 a harsh *o%gh) ENo5 -a-y) Not -eing a-le to rea' is -a' eno%gh) # *an<t write 1or shit either) #t<s A%st as har') 0ar'er5 a*t%ally5 -e*a%se # start o%t writing what<s in +y hea'5 -%t

other shit *o+es o%t5 li2e ran'o+ gi--erish)G E/o yo% A%st ha.e it all +e+oriCe'7G 0e shr%gs) E#t<s A%st how # a+) # ha.e a great +e+ory5 an' +%si*ally5 # ha.e one o1 those per1e*t ears) # hear a pie*e o1 +%si*5 # *an play it) The notes5 the *hor's5 it all A%st +a2es sense to +e as soon as # hear it) ?e*hani*al st%11 is the sa+e way) # A%st get it5 instin*ti.ely) # +ean5 # ha' to learn how to

'o it5 A%st li2e # ha' to learn how to play the g%itar an' %se +y .oi*e right5 -%t it *o+es nat%rally to +e)G E n' yo%r parents 'i'n<t %n'erstan' any o1 this7G # as2) 0e sighs5 an' it<s la*e' with a growl) EFo'5 # hate tal2ing a-o%t this shit)G 0e a-sently -r%shes +y hair -a*2) ENo5 they really 'i'n<t) # was their 1irst 2i') They +a'e +ista2es) # get that) Doesn<t +a2e how it all happene' less shitty)G E(hat happene'7G

0e loo2s 'own into +y eyes5 an' see+s to 'raw strength 1ro+ so+ething he sees there) ENi2e # sai'5 they *o%l'n<t really %n'erstan' why +y pro-le+ was) # *learly wasn<t5 li2e5 slow or anything) # *o%l' tal2 1ine5 # *o%l' intera*t so*ially an' tie +y shoes an' i'enti1y *olors an' patterns an' all that5 -%t when the lessons in :in'ergarten starte' re@%iring +e to loo2 at things on the written page5 # A%st *o%l'n<t grasp it) #t 1r%strate' e.eryone) ?y 'a' was on the

rise5 -a*2 then5 an' he ha' -ig aspirations) !ig plans 1or +e5 his 1irst-orn son) #<' -e his s%**essor5 a 'o*tor or a lawyer or so+ething great li2e that) 0e<' 'e*i'e' that<s what +y 'estiny was5 an' nothing *o%l' *hange his +in') #t 2ept getting har'er an' har'er5 -e*a%se +y *o+prehension o1 rea'ing an' writing was A%st6 nil) # ne.er progresse' past the 1irst gra'e5 really) # ha' to wor2 three ti+es as har' as e.eryone else to get +y ho+ewor2 'one5 to

pass tests5 all that) # was -arely s*raping -y5 all the way thro%gh s*hool) Da' A%st tho%ght # was laCy) 0e<' tell +e to wor2 har'er5 to not let anything stop +e) 0e p%she' an' p%she' an' p%she'5 an' ne.er really saw how har' # was wor2ing A%st to get -y) # -arely passe' +i''le s*hool5 an' # +ean barely5 an' that was with +e st%'ying an' 'oing ho+ewor2 1or literally 1o%r or 1i.e ho%rs e.ery night) !e*a%se everything is *entere'

aro%n' writing the answers5 rea'ing the te4t-oo2s) Ni2e # sai'5 # can 'o it5 it<s A%st6so har' as to -e nearly i+possi-le5 an' it ta2es 1ore.er) # was A%st a 1%*2ing 2i') # wante' to play 1oot-all an' play with +y 1rien's5 hang o%t5 all that nor+al shit) # *o%l'n<t5 -e*a%se # was always in +y go''a+ne' roo+5 trying to 1inish rea'ing the ten pages o1 history or The #iver)G # rest +y 1orehea' against his *hest5 a*hing 1or hi+) EFo'5 Colton)G

E$eah5 it s%*2e') n' Da' A%st 'i'n<t %n'erstan') 0e<s not a -a' person) 0e<s great5 he really is) (hen it wasn<t all a-o%t s*hool5 he was great with +e) !%t that -egan to o.ersha'ow e.erything else as # got ol'er) !y high s*hool5 # was A%st angry) ll the ti+e) # hate' s*hool5 # hate' the tea*hers an' the prin*ipal an' +y parents an' e.erything) #t 'i'n<t help that -y the ti+e # was 1i1teen5 :yle was alrea'y this gol'en -oy5 per1e*tly -eha.e'5 athleti*5 all the 1rien's an' *har+ing an' shit) n' # ha'

to st%'y 1or si4 ho%rs a 'ay A%st to get C<s an' D<s) n' the 1%*2ing worst part is that # 2new # %n'erstoo' the -asi* *on*epts) # 2new # wasn<t st%pi') # *o%l' listen an' %n'erstan' what the le*t%re was a-o%t) # *o%l' listen to the le*t%re an' pro-a-ly re*ite the 'a+n thing -a*2 to the tea*her .er-ati+) #1 #<' -een a-le to ta2e tests orally5 # pro-a-ly wo%l' ha.e -een a straight st%'ent) !%t that A%st wasn<t an option -a*2 then)G 0e tra*es the line o1 +y

Aaw with a 1ingertip5 'own -ehin' +y ear5 'own +y ne*25 an' a*ross +y *ollar-one9 # shi.ere' %n'er the heat o1 his to%*h) E# got in a lot o1 tro%-le at s*hool -e*a%se # was A%st so 1%*2ing angry5 so 1r%strate') n' 2i's +a'e 1%n o1 +e5 o1 *o%rse5 -e*a%se # was always in tro%-le an' -arely passing5 so # got in a lot o1 1ights)G E:i's are aw1%l in high s*hool)G ENo 2i''ing5G he says with a -itter la%gh) E# 'i'n<t really +in' the+5 honestly) #t was shit with

+y parents that 2ille' +e) They A%st tho%ght # wasn<t trying har' eno%gh5 that # was e4aggerating +y pro-le+s to get o%t o1 s*hool or so+ething) n' they e4pe*te' +e to toe their line5 1ollow their plan) n' that plan in*l%'e' *ollege) ll # wante' was to wor2 in a garage5 -%il' *ars) Play +y g%itar) That wasn<t a**epta-le)G #<+ starting to %n'erstan') E/o when gra'%ation *a+e6G E?y 'a' was insisting # had to

apply to all these *olleges5 #.y Neag%e an' e.erything)G 0e la%ghs5 an' this la%gh is +irthless5 1%ll o1 -itterness an' ol' rage) E"%*2ing *ollege7 # -arely gra'%ate' high s*hool) # *o%l' -arely read) # hated s*hool) # was 1%*2ing 'one) # tol' hi+ this5 an' he A%st 'i'n<t *are) 0e<' p%ll strings so +y -a' gra'es wo%l'n<t +atter) "inally5 # 2new # ha' to +a2e hi+ %n'erstan') # re+e+-er the 'ay li2e it was yester'ay) Clear5 s%nny5 -ea%ti1%l 'ay in &%ne) #<'

-een gra'%ate' 1or a *o%ple +onths an' was spen'ing all +y ti+e in the garage5 wor2ing on +y Ca+aro) 0e wante' +e to -e applying to 0ar.ar' an' Col%+-ia an' !rown5 an' # wasn<t 'oing it) #t was a *onstant 1ight) # 1inally hashe' it o%t with hi+ on the 'o*2) # tol' hi+ # wasn<t going to *ollege5 not e.er) n' Da'<s reply7 IThen yo%<re on yo%<re own)< 0e<' pay +y way5 s%pport +e5 rent +e an apart+ent an' all that5 if # went

to *ollege) #1 not5 he wo%l'n<t gi.e +e re' *ent)G Colton pa%ses5 an' # *an see this is the har'est part) E#t got %gly) 0e6we 1o%ght5 li2e -a') 0e *alle' +e na+es5 tol' +e # was A%st st%pi' an' laCy) 0e was angry5 # get that5 -%t6it still 1%*2ing s*arre' +e 1or +e li1e) ll # e.er wante' was his appro.al5 1or hi+ to see that # ha' other s2ills5 that # was s+art in other ways) 0e A%st *o%l'n<t) Ni2e # sai'5 the 1ight got %gly) T%rne' physi*al)

0e hit +e5 # hit hi+) # ran) Ne1t +y *ar5 +y Ca+aro #<' spent 1%*2ing years -%il'ing 1ro+ s*rat*h) Ne1t all +y shit) Fra--e' a -a*2pa*2 an' so+e *lothes an' all the +oney # ha') !o%ght a -%s ti*2et to New $or2) Ne.er loo2e' -a*2) O1 *o%rse5 the -%s *ost pretty +%*h e.ery 'ollar # ha'5 so -y the ti+e # got to the *ity5 # was 1lat -ro2e5 a -asi*ally illiterate se.enteen year;ol' 2i' with anger pro-le+s an' no plan5 no +oney5 no

1rien's5 no *ar5 no apart+ent5 nothing) &%st a -a*2pa*2 with so+e *ra*2ers an' a *hange o1 *lothes)G The pain in his .oi*e is heart-rea2ing) # see hi+ in +y +in'<s eye5 a s*are'5 angry5 lonely 2i' 1or*e' to 1ight A%st to s%r.i.e) Too pro%' to go -a*2 ho+e5 e.en i1 he *o%l' ha.e) 0%ngry5 *ol'5 alone5 li.ing on the streets) EColton6#<+ so sorry yo% ha' to go thro%gh that)G # hear +y .oi*e *ra*2) 0e li1ts +y *hin) E0ey) No tears)

Not 1or +e) # +a'e it5 'i'n<t #7G E$eah5 -%t yo% sho%l'n<t ha.e ha' to s%11er li2e that)G 0e A%st shr%gs 'is+issi.ely5 an' # p%sh -a*2 to glare at hi+) ENo5 'on<t shr%g it o11) $o%<.e a**o+plishe' so +%*h) $o% s%r.i.e') $o% got yo%rsel1 o11 the street) $o% -%ilt a s%**ess1%l -%siness 1ro+ nothing) $o% 'i' all that on yo%r own5 'espite yo%r learning 'isa-ility) # thin2 it<s in*re'i-le) # thin2 youre in*re'i-le)G 0e shr%gs again5 rolling his eyes5 *learly %n*o+1orta-le) # p%t +y

han's on his 1a*e5 lo.ing the 1eel o1 his ro%gh st%--le %n'er +y pal+s) E$o%<re s+art5 Colton) $o% are) $o%<re talente') #<+ a+aCe' -y who yo% are)G E$o%<re 1%*2ing e+-arrassing +e5 Nelly)G Colton wraps his ar+s aro%n' +e an' p%lls +e ro%ghly against his *hest) E!%t than2s 1or saying so) #t +eans +ore than yo% 2now) Now) Di' yo% get in or not7 #<+ si*2 o1 tal2ing a-o%t +y shit)G # hol' the letter %p -ehin' his

-a*25 rea'ing it o.er his sho%l'er) E$eah) # got in)G EThere was ne.er a @%estion) Pro%' o1 yo%5 Nelly;-a-y)G # s+ile into his *hest5 -reathing in his s*ent) QQQ # swallow har') #<+ not s%re i1 # *an 'o this) # *l%t*h the ne*2 o1 +y g%itar an' try not to pani*) EOea'y7G Colton<s .oi*e *a+e 1ro+ -esi'e +e) 0is 2nee n%'ges +ine) # no' +y hea') E$eah) $eah) # *an 'o this)G E$o% *an 'o this) &%st 1ollow +y lea' an' sing the har+ony5 o2ay7

&%st str%+ the rhyth+ li2e we pra*ti*e' an' let e.eryone hear that angel .oi*e o1 yo%rs5 o2ay7G # no' again5 an' 1le4 +y 1ingers) #<.e ne.er per1or+e' in p%-li* -e1ore) # +ean5 #<.e -%s2e' a 1ew ti+es5 alone an' with Colton5 -%t that<s 'i11erent) This6this is terri1ying) (e<re on a stage in a -ar5 an' there<s *lose to a h%n're' people all wat*hing5 waiting 1or %s to start) They 2now Colton5 they<re here 1or hi+5 an' intrig%e' as to who # a+) No press%re)

E0ey e.ery-o'y) #<+ Colt5 an' this is Nell) (e<re gonna play so+e +%si* 1or yo%5 is that alright7G There<s appla%se an' so+e *at*alls) Colton glan*es at +e an' then -a*2 to the *row') E$eah5 # 2now she<s gorgeo%s5 -oys5 -%t she<s o11 li+its) (e<re gonna play so+e .ett !rothers to start5 # thin2) This is I# (o%l' !e /a'<)G 0e starts o11 with a *o+ple4 string;pi*2ing arrange+ent that e*hoes the -anAo o1 the original) #

*o+e in on *%e with a si+ple rhyth+;str%+ an' wait 1or the har+ony *%e) The rhyth+ is easy an' #<.e pra*ti*e' it so +any ti+es # 'on<t e.en ha.e to thin2 a-o%t it5 so # hit +y *%e no pro-le+) They<re 1loore') ?y .oi*e pro.i'es a per1e*t *o%nterpoint to Colton<s5 +y *lear alto wea.ing aro%n' his ro%gh rasp an' together # 2now we ha.e the+ in a spell) # a'A%st the rhyth+ as we transition into the ne4t song5 whi*h Colton intro'%*es) E ny-o'y here li2e City an'

Colo%r7G There<s rioto%s appla%se o1 appro.al an' he grins at the+) EFoo'H Then hope1%lly yo%<ll li2e o%r ta2e on I0ello5 #<+ Delaware<)G #<+ str%++ing as he 'oes the intro an' playing it *ool5 -%t insi'e #<+ s@%eeing with e4*ite+ent) #n the -a*2 o1 +y hea' #<+ r%nning -a*2 to the -eginning5 when Colton -asi*ally anno%n*e' that #<+ his) # li2e that) Pl%s5 he tol' the+ #<+ gorgeo%s) #<+ all ashi.er) # really get into the City an'

Colo%r song5 -e*a%se Dallas Freen is in*re'i-le) # let +y .oi*e go5 # 'on<t hol' anything -a*2) # sing an' let the wor's roll o.er +e5 thro%gh +e) ?y ner.es are gone an' all # 2now is the +%si* r%shing in +y .eins5 the p%re -ea%ty o1 the song an' the a'renaline high o1 2nowing #<+ 2illing it) The ne4t song is all Colton) #<.e hear' hi+ pra*ti*e it5 so #<+ loo2ing 1orwar' to hearing hi+ per1or+ it li.e) O%r g%itars go @%iet an' Colton a'A%sts the t%ning on his while he 'oes the

ne4t intro) EO2ay5 so this one #<+ 'oing solo) $o%<.e pro-a-ly hear' the song -e1ore5 -%t not li2e this) #t<s <99 Pro-le+s<5 originally -y the one an' only &ay;R) This arrange+ent that #<+ 'oing5 tho%gh5 was p%t together -y an artist na+e' 0%go) # wish # *o%l' ta2e the *re'it 1or the arrange+ent5 honestly5 -e*a%se it<s 1%*2ing geni%s) /o yeah) 0ope yo% li2e it)G There<s so+e appla%se5 whi*h 1a'es when he starts a *hoppy5 'r%+;li2e se@%en*e o1 *hor's)

#<+ gi''y with e4*ite+ent an' pri'e when he -rings in the .erse) The 1irst ti+e # hear' hi+ play the song5 # wasn<t s%re what # was hearing5 -e*a%se it was so %ni@%e5 -%t then # re*ogniCe' it an' was totally wowe') 0e<s right a-o%t the arrange+ent -eing -rilliant5 -e*a%se it is5 *o+pletely) ll too soon it<s +y t%rn) E$o% g%ys are aweso+e) The rest o1 0%go<s st%11 is pretty 2iller too5 -%t that<s +y 1a.orite pie*e -y hi+) /o anyway5 Nell<s gonna

'o a solo 1or yo% ne4t)G 0e insiste' # intro +y own pie*e5 so # a'A%st the +i* *loser an' str%+ the opening *hor's as war+ %p) E0ey g%ys) #<.e ne.er s%ng solo li2e this -e1ore5 so -e ni*e5 h%h7 #<+ 'oing I#t<s Ti+e< -y #+agine Dragons)G # t%rn to loo2 at Colton) E#<+ 'e'i*ating this to yo%5 -e*a%se it re+in's +e so +%*h o1 yo%)G (hen # was Aogging an' listening to +y playlist trying to 1ig%re o%t what song # wante' to *o.er

1or tonight<s solo5 # *a+e a*ross this song) #t<s an aweso+e song that see+s al+ost eighties popinspire' to +e5 whi*h # 2new wo%l' +a2e 1or an interesting in'ie;1ol2 *o.er) !%t it was the lyri*s that str%*2 +e5 the e+phasis on ne.er *hanging5 on -eing who yo% are) Colton ha' -een thro%gh so +%*h5 an' ha' staye' tr%e to who he was5 re1%sing to *hange or gi.e in si+ply -e*a%se o1 the e4pe*tations o1 others) # str%ggle' with that 1or a long

ti+e) # ha' *hosen s*hools an' *areer paths -ase' on what others wante' 1or +e5 what +y parents wante' 1or +e) 1ter :yle<s 'eath5 # *o%l'n<t *hoose5 *o%l'n<t thin25 *o%l'n<t 1eel any 'esire 1or anything) # wor2e' 1or +y 'a' an' went to *o++%nity *ollege si+ply -e*a%se it was the path o1 least resistan*e) ?y 'a' ha' always sort o1 e4pe*te' # wo%l' +aAor in -%siness an' wor2 1or hi+) #<' ne.er *onsi'ere' anything else) #<' ne.er tho%ght o1 +y talents

or 'esires5 # A%st went along with their plan witho%t @%estion) Then :yle 'ie'5 an' a1ter a 1ew +onths5 # realiCe' # nee'e' an o%tlet) # nee'e' so+ething to 'istra*t +e 1ro+ +y g%ilt an' pain) The g%itar *a+e along al+ost as a 1l%2e) # saw a 1lier staple' to a woo'en power line pole a'.ertising g%itar lessons) The tea*her was an ol'er g%y5 gray haire' an' pot-ellie' an' genial) 0e was a talente' tea*her5 patient an' %n'erstan'ing) !est o1 all5 he

see+e' to %n'erstan' that # wante' a *o%ple ho%rs a wee2 away 1ro+ e.erything) 0e ne.er as2e' any @%estions5 A%st 'rille' +e har'5 p%she' +e5 2ept +e -%sy5 lea.ing +e no ti+e 1or anything -%t the *hor' progression) 0e ga.e +e an aggressi.e pra*ti*e s*he'%le an' ro'e +y ass i1 # 'i'n<t 2eep %p with it) The singing see+e' to -e a nat%ral e4tension o1 playing the g%itar) #<' learn a song an' o1 *o%rse5 #<' sing along with it) 3.ent%ally

# realiCe' # enAoye' the singing +ore than the g%itar playing5 an' then the +%si* itsel1 -e*a+e the o%tlet) #<' spen' ho%rs an' ho%rs playing5 singing5 sitting on the 'o*2 wat*hing the s%n set an' the stars *o+e o%t an' playing5 re1%sing to thin2 o1 :yle5 re1%sing to +iss hi+5 re1%sing to *ry 1or hi+) #<' play %ntil +y 1ingers -le'5 sing %ntil +y throat h%rt) Now the +%si* is a threa' -in'ing +e to Colton) The songs we sing to ea*h other are state+ents)

n ongoing 'is*%ssion in +%si* notes) /o # sing5 an' # let e.erything o%t) # 1eel the eyes on +e5 1eel Colton<s gaCe 'e.o%ring +e) # 1inish the song5 an' the last note @%a.ers in the air5 an' +y han's tre+-le5 +y heart th%'s in +y *hest) There<s a +o+ent o1 silen*e5 all eyes on +e5 1a*es sho*2e') #<+ a-o%t to 1rea25 sin*e no one<s *lapping5 -%t then they e4plo'e5 shrie2ing5 whistling5 appla%'ing5 an' # realiCe they were st%nne' silent)

F%ess that<s a goo' thing) (hen the noise 1a'es a -it5 Colton 'raw his +i* 'own to his lips an' spea2s 1a*ing +e -%t loo2ing at the a%'ien*e) EFo'damn5 Nell) That was in*re'i-le) /erio%sly)G # hear the tension in his .oi*e5 see the e+otion in his eyes) 0e<s hi'ing it well5 -%t # 2now hi+ -y now an' # *an 1eel it ra'iating o11 hi+) (e -oth let a tense +o+ent pass in silen*e5 then) (e -oth 2now what song is ne4t5 an' we<re -oth ner.o%s)

E#<.e ne.er playe' this song 1or anyone -e1ore5G Colton says5 *lipping a *apo to his strings) E#t<s6a 'eeply personal song that # wrote a long5 long ti+e ago) Nell<s -een -a'gering +eJ # +ean5 encouraging +eJto play this song li.e 1or wee2s now5 an' # 1inally ga.e in) /o6yeah) 0ere it is) # ne.er ga.e this a title5 -%t # g%ess we *an *all it6 IOne ?ore 0o%r<) # hope yo% li2e it)G # *an see how har' this is 1or hi+) The +elo'y he plays on the g%itar is slow an' hea.y an'

rolling5 +elan*holy) Then he sings the l%lla-y5 an' go'5 the -ar goes so silent yo% *o%l' hear a pin 'rop in -etween *hor's an' s%ng notes) No one is +o.ing5 no one is e.en -reathing) (e pra*ti*e' this together) 0e wo%l' only play it i1 #<' 'o -a*2%p an' har+ony5 so that<s what #<+ 'oing) # sing so+e -a*2%p .o*als 1or hi+ an' play a -asi* rhyth+5 -%t # 2eep it low an' @%iet so he<s the 1o*%s) n' he is) Totally) # see eyes shi1ting5 throats *onstri*ting) There are tears) $o% *an hear how

intensely personal this song is to Colton5 it<s *lear in the passion o1 his .oi*e) 0e<s singing to hi+sel15 again) 0e<s the lost -oy again5 alone on the streets o1 New $or2) # a*he 1or hi+ all o.er again) # want to hol' hi+5 2iss hi+5 tell hi+ he<s not alone) gain5 the -ar is a-sol%tely silent an' still when the last note hangs in the air5 an' then it goes wil') 1ew +ore pop%lar songs Colton ta%ght +e5 an' then we 'o E!arton 0ollowG together5

o%r last n%+-er 1or the set) #<+ e4hilarate'5 sha2ing with e4*ite+ent) # applie' to the *ollege o1 per1or+ing arts on a whi+5 as an a*t o1 re-ellion5 *o++%ni*ating to +y parents that # was going to 'o things +y own way) #<' ne.er a*t%ally per1or+e' -e1ore) Now6#<+ hoo2e') Colton gets o%r pay+ent an' h%rries %s o%t) # *an<t rea' the loo2 on his 1a*e5 -%t # *an see tension in his -o'y lang%age) #<+

ner.o%s as we stan' si'e -y si'e on the s%-way5 g%itars in so1t *ases sl%ng on o%r -a*2s5 han's hol'ing the rail -y o%r hea's) 0e<s silent5 an' #<+ not s%re i1 he<s %pset5 angry a-o%t so+ething5 AaCCe' 1ro+ the show) # A%st *an<t rea' hi+5 an' it<s +a2ing +e ner.o%s) # rea*h o%t an' ta2e his han' in +ine5 threa'ing o%r 1ingers together) 0e glan*es at +e5 at o%r Aoine' han's5 an' then -a*2 at +e) 0is 1a*e so1tens) E/orry5 #<+ A%st6playing that song was ro%gh) #<+ 'istra*te' # g%ess) Not .ery goo' *o+pany)G

# si'le *loser to hi+5 pressing +ysel1 into his si'e) E# 2now it was5 Colton) #<+ pro%' o1 yo%) $o% were serio%sly in*re'i-le) People were *rying)G 0e lets go o1 +y han' an' wraps his ar+ aro%n' +y waist5 t%gging +e e.en *loser) 0is pal+ rests on the swell o1 +y hip5 an' s%''enly the s%-way *ar 1alls away5 repla*e' -y lightning awareness o1 hi+5 o1 his heat5 his +%s*le) 0is to%*h is 1ire5 singeing away the layers o1 *lothes -etween %s %ntil

# *an al+ost 1eel his s2in on +ine) # nee' that) # nee' 1lesh to 1lesh5 heat to heat) (e<.e -een 'an*ing aro%n' it 1or too long now5 an' the slight taste # ha' o1 hi+ wasn<t eno%gh) # nee' +ore) # 'on<t 2now why he<s -een 2eeping 'istan*e -etween %s5 -%t #<+ 'one with it) #<.e -een playing along5 slowing 'own in o%r 2iss when he 'oes5 not p%shing it) The 2isses ha.e all -een nearly platoni* re*ently5 @%i*2 to%*hes o1 o%r lips only o**asionally p%shing into +ore5 into the real+ o1 heat an' nee')

Now5 +y -o'y singing 1ro+ his nearness5 +y +in' an' heart -%CCing 1ro+ the post;show high5 all # *an thin2 o15 all # *an 1eel is hi+5 an' +y 'esire 1or hi+) 0is 1ingers 'ig into the 1lesh o1 +y hip5 an' his eyes -%rn into +ine5 *o-alt 1la+es lo*2e' on +e) # 2now he 1eels it too) # -ite +y lip5 2nowing what it 'oes to hi+) 0is eyes go hal1; li''e' an' his *hest swells5 his 1inger tightens on +e e.en +ore %ntil it<s al+ost pain1%l5 thrillingly so)

E$o%<re *o+ing o.er5G he says) #t<s an or'er5 not a @%estion) # no'5 ne.er ta2ing +y eyes 1ro+ hi+) E#<+ *o+ing o.er5G # a11ir+) # lean in *lose5 pressing +y lips to the shell o1 his ear) ENo hol'ing -a*25 tonight)G # hear hi+ hiss5 a s%*2e' in -reath) E$o%<re s%re7G 0is .oi*e is a r%+-le 1elt in +y *hest) EFo'5 yes)G # nee' hi+ to %n'erstan') EPlease.G 0e la%ghs5 -%t it<s not a h%+oro%s la%gh) #t<s a pre'atory so%n'5 1%ll o1 eroti* pro+ise) ENelly-a-y6

yo% 'on<t nee' to -eg)G # 1l%sh with so+ething li2e sha+e) E# am -egging5 tho%gh) $o%<.e -een +a2ing +e wait 1or so long5 now) n' # nee' this)G 0is eyes are so 1iery5 so pier*ingly -l%e it ta2es +y -reath away) E# was gi.ing yo% spa*e an' ti+e) # 'i'n<t thin2 yo% were rea'y) # wasn<t +ysel15 not entirely)G E# get that5 an' # appre*iate it) !%t now #<+ saying6no +ore spa*e) No +ore ti+e)G 0is han' 'es*en's5 sli'es aro%n'

A%st slightly5 an' now he<s al+ost;-%t;not;@%ite *%pping +y ass) E# A%st want yo% to -e s%re) No @%estions5 no hesitations) # want it to -e right)G # rest +y 1orehea' against his sho%l'er5 then li1t +y 1a*e to loo2 %p at hi+) E#<+ rea'y) /o rea'y) /*are'5 yes) !%t rea'y)G 0e la%ghs again) E$o% thin2 yo%<re rea'y) $o%<re not)G 0is .oi*e goes h%s2y) E!%t yo% will -e5 -a-y) #<ll +a2e s%re o1 that)G n' oh go'5 ohmigod5 the threat5

the pro+ise in his .oi*e is eno%gh to ha.e +e *len*hing +y thighs together to 2eep the 'a+pness in) # 2now +y eyes are wi'e5 +y -reath *o+ing in 'eep gasps) EK%it -iting yo%r go''a+n lip -e1ore # 1%*2ing lose it right here on the train5G Colton growls) # slowly sli'e +y lip o%t 1ro+ -etween +y teeth5 teasing hi+ with +y *o+plian*e) E(hy the 1%*2 is that so hot7G 0e see+s gen%inely *on1%se' -y his own rea*tion) # ar*h +y -a*2 an' ta2e a 'eep -reath5 *r%shing +y -reasts

against hi+) (e<re on a s%-way s%rro%n'e' -y people5 -%t they<re o-li.io%s an' # A%st 'on<t *are) #<+ *a%ght %p in +y own nee'5 -%rning with the 1ires o1 'esire) ?y sense is gone5 +y restraint -%rnt away) E:no*2 it o115 Nell)G Colton Aer2s +e against hi+5 an' now #<+ *rashe' 1ront;to;1ront with hi+) # *an 1eel his 'esire against +y -elly5 har' an' h%ge) EK%it 1%*2ing with +e) $o%<re se4y an' # want yo%) Point +a'e)G

# +a2e inno*ent eyes at hi+) E#<+ not +a2ing a point5 Colton)G # lean in *lose5 whisper it into his ear5 +y -reath so1t) E#<+ horny)G # 1eel *heesy an' ri'i*%lo%s saying that5 -%t it<s what *a+e o%t5 an' it<s tr%e) Colton 'oesn<t la%gh li2e # tho%ght he wo%l' ha.e) E;uck5 Nell) $o%<re serio%sly te+pting +y *ontrol) #<+ a-o%t to sho.e +y tong%e 'own yo%r throat right here on the train)G (i'e5 inno*ent eyes again) E$o%

wo%l'n<t hear +e *o+plaining)G n' # -ite +y lip5 A%st to ha++er it ho+e) 0is Aaw *len*hes an' -oth han's *o+e aro%n' +y waist to *l%t*h +y ass) Oh god5 # li2e that) # lo.e his han's on +y ass) ?y an2le;length -la*2 pen*il s2irt is thin *otton5 an' # *an 1eel the ro%gh *all%ses on his han's s*rat*hing the 1a-ri*5 # *an 1eel the raw power in his grip as he grasps +e5 hol's +e against his har' -o'y) 0is +o%th 'es*en's on +ine5 har' an' ro%gh5 an' his teeth

ta2e +y lower lip5 -iting5 ra.eno%s5 'e.o%ring) 0is tong%e sli'es -etween +y teeth5 his lips +o.e on +ine) # whi+per so1tly5 an' then #<+ alight with l%st) # 2iss hi+ -a*25 -%t I2iss< isn<t really the right wor') 2iss is lips to%*hing5 tong%es playing) This6 This is 1%*2ing5 -%t with o%r +o%ths) #t<s raw an' pri+al an' h%ngry) EFet a roo+5 go''a+nit5G an e4asperate' 1e+ale .oi*e says 1ro+ -ehin' %s5 an' it<s a

testa+ent to the eroti*is+ o1 the +o+ent that a New $or2er is willing to say so+ething in protest) Not +%*h phases New $or2ers5 #<.e 'is*o.ere') The train stops an' Colton<s han' is on the s+all o1 +y -a*25 propelling +e 1orwar') (e *li+the stairs to street le.el5 an' his ar+ *l%t*hes +e *lose to his -o'y) 0e h%stles +e 'own the street an' into his 'ar2ene' shop) On the way thro%gh the garage5 #<+ -rie1ly assa%lte' -y the s+ell o1 grease

an' *igarettes an' sweat an' all things Colton) #t<s a won'er1%l s+ell5 a s*ent that so+ehow is -eginning to +ean home to +e) The tho%ght is 1rightening -%t e4hilarating at the sa+e ti+e) Mp the narrow stairwell5 his han' on the no;+an<s;lan' o1 the swell o1 +y hip5 not @%ite on +y ass5 not @%ite on +y waist) 0is har' heat is *lose -ehin' +e5 an' +y -loo' is po%n'ing lo%' in +y ear) The stairs see+ en'less) #<+ a heart-eat away 1ro+ spinning in pla*e an' ta*2ling hi+ here on the stairs)

This l%st is o.erwhel+ing) #t<s a star.ation5 a nee' thr%++ing in e.ery pore o1 +y -eing) # need his -o'y5 his han's5 his +o%th5 his lips) # nee' +y 1ingers in his hair5 tra*ing the *onto%rs o1 his h%ge5 soli' -o'y5 l%4%riating in the *ontrasts that +a2e hi+ %p5 har' +%s*les5 sil2y s2in5 ro%gh *all%ses5 'ownso1t hair5 wet lips an' A%tting +anhoo' an' roa+ing han's) # nee' all o1 hi+5 an' # nee' it now)

#<+ wet an' tre+-ling -etween +y thighs5 a*hing5 thro--ing) Than2 go' finally we<re thro%gh the 'oor an' the lat*h is *at*hing with a 'e1initi.e snick an' #<+ *a%ght in his ar+s5 sp%n5 presse' -a*2 against the 'oor5 *r%she' -etween the ro%gh5 har' woo' o1 the 'oor an' the har'er +%s*le o1 Colton) 34a*tly where # want to -e) # wrap +y legs aro%n' his waist5 ta2e his st%--le;ro%gh 1a*e in +y han's an' +arry +y +o%th to his5 'el.e into a 1e.erish 2iss) # still 1eel :yle<s ghost -anging

against +y so%l5 the spirit o1 +y g%ilt an' pain) # ignore it5 let it ha%nt +e) Net it rage) Colton<s han's s+ooth o.er +y -a*25 %n'er +y ass5 threa'ing thro%gh +y hair5 an' the ghost is @%iete') 0e p%lls -a*2 an' sear*hes +y eyes with his glittering sapphire eyes5 an' # see his own ghosts trying to p%sh thro%gh) (e<re -oth ha%nte' -y the spe*ters o1 o%r pasts5 -%t we ha.e to +o.e on so+eti+e an' 1or*e the .oi*e o1 o%r g%ilt to -e silent) Now is that ti+e)

Chapter 11: "alling #nto $o% Colton sets +e 'own slowly5 an' # 1eel his aro%sal as +y 1ront sli'es against his) (e spin again5 an' # wal2 -a*2war' towar' his roo+5 +y -reath *o+ing in shallow gasps) 0is han' *%rls aro%n' +y waist5 -%t # p%ll o%t o1 his to%*h) 0is -row wrin2les in *on1%sion5 then *lears as # 'an*e a 1ew steps 1arther -a*25 then wrap +y 1ingers aro%n' the he+ o1 +y shirt) # peel it o11 @%i*2ly5 'rop it to the 1loor -etween %s) Colton -en's an' s*oops it %p witho%t -rea2ing

stri'e or eye *onta*t5 li1ts the 1a-ri* to his 1a*e an' sni11s) # la%gh5 then rea*h -ehin' +e an' sli'e 'own the Cipper o1 +y s2irt5 stopping in the 'oorway to his roo+) 0e halts in the hallway5 A%st o%t o1 rea*h5 +y shirt -alle' in one 1ist5 his other han' presse' 1lat against one wall) 0is -roa' *hest an' lean hips are silho%ette' -y the so1t white 1l%ores*ent glow 1ro+ the 2it*hen5 an' +y +o%th goes 'ry at the sight o1 hi+5 r%gge' an' +as*%line an'

'eli*io%s) # shi++y +y hips5 -iting +y lip5 an' let the s2irt 1all to pool at +y 1eet5 an' now #<+ *la' in only +y -ra an' %n'erwear) # wat*h as his Aeans -%lge noti*ea-ly at the Cipper5 straine' -y his aro%sal) 0is eyes are hoo'e'5 hal1;li''e'5 pri+al5 h%ngry) # %nhoo2 +y -ra5 one eyelet at a ti+e5 then sli'e one strap o115 letting the -ra 1all to 'angle 1ro+ one 1inger in 1ront o1 +e) Colton r%+-les 'eep in his *hest5 a so%n' o1 p%re appro.al) ?y s2in tightens5 +y nipples

pe--le har' %n'er his sweeping gaCe) # stan' an' let hi+ loo2) 0e ta2es a step 1orwar'5 an' # want to -a*2 %p to the -e'5 lay 'own 1or hi+5 retreat 1ro+ the raw intensity in his eyes5 -%t # 'on<t) # stay in pla*e an' tilt +y hea' %p to +eet his gaCe %ntil he<s stan'ing o.er +e) O%r lips are *enti+eters apart5 -%t we 'on<t 2iss) # *an 1eel his -reath hot on +y lips5 an' # want to 1eel the+ on +e5 -%t # 'on<t +o.e) # wait)

n' then # *an<t ta2e it any+ore) # t%g his shirt o115 +i+i*2ing his a*tion o1 s+elling it5 an' oh+igo'5 it 'oes s+ell in*re'i-le5 li2e hi+5 1a+iliar an' *o+1orting an' e4oti*) Then # trail +y 1ingers 'own his *hest5 stopping on the trail o1 'ar2 hair on his -elly5 lea'ing %n'er his Aeans) # %nsnap the -%tton5 lower the Cipper5 letting +y 2n%*2les -r%sh his aro%sal thro%gh the *otton o1 his %n'erwear) # loo2 'own5 now5 an' +y -elly shi.ers at the sight o1 the gray

*otton -o4er;-rie1s stret*he' -y his sha1t5 a 'ot o1 wetness sprea'ing where his tip presses against the 1a-ri*) 0e 2i*2s o11 the Aeans5 an' now we<re -oth in A%st o%r %n'erwear) l+ost there5 al+ost -are to ea*h other) # slip +y 1ingers %n'er the string o1 +y -right pin2 thong5 lower the+ slightly) E/top) Nea.e the+)G Colton<s .oi*e is low an' growling5 halting +e) # *o+ply i++e'iately5 letting +y han's 1all loose at +y si'es) #<+

not s%re why5 -%t it<s hot when he or'ers +e aro%n' li2e this) # 1eel a tingle in +y -elly5 a shi.er in +y thighs) # press +y legs together5 trying to soothe the a*he -etween the+5 -%t it<s 1%tile) 0e *loses the gap so +y -reasts -r%sh his *hest5 his aro%sal pressing into +y -elly) # rea*h %p to to%*h his sho%l'ers5 sli'e +y pal+s 'own his spine5 p%lling hi+ *loser) 0e leans 'own an' 2isses +e5 so1tly at 1irst5 ten'erly) #t +elts +e5 so1tens +e5 lea.es +e li+p an' gasping 1ro+ the 'eli*a*y o1 his

2iss) # ha.e to *l%t*h his waist to 2eep 1ro+ 1alling) ?y han's are e4ploring the -or'er o1 his waist where s2in +eets *otton9 # li1t %p on +y toes to 'eepen the 2iss an' p%sh %n'er the elasti* to *%p his *ool har' ass5 roa+ing the glo-es o1 +%s*le with -oth han's) 0e growls into the 2iss5 an' one o1 his han's spanning +y spine A%st a-o.e +y hips5 the other to%*hing +y waist an' 'ri1ting %p5 %p5 o.er +y ri-s6 onto +y -reast) 0is ro%gh pal+

*o.ers +y nipple5 sen'ing thrills spas+ing thro%gh +e) # ar*h into his pal+5 grip his ass with +y 1ingernails5 roa+ing his +o%th with +y tong%e) #<+ le1t o11;-alan*e an' 'iCCy an' gasping when Colton a-r%ptly p%lls away) E0ol' on to the 'oor1ra+e5G he or'ers) # o-ey5 an' he s+iles at +e5 a pre'atory -aring o1 teeth) ENow5 sprea' yo%r 1eet apart6sho%l'er;wi'th6 yeah5 A%st li2e that) Now5 'on<t +o.e) n' hol' on)G

# thin2 # 2now what he<s planning5 an' # s%''enly *an<t -reathe past +y heart ha++ering in +y throat) ?y han's on the 'oor1ra+e are all that<s hol'ing +e %p5 an' # ha.e to grip tight when he sin2s to his 2nees in 1ront o1 +e) 0is h%ge han's *%rl aro%n' the -a*2s o1 +y thighs) # -ite +y lip an' gaCe 'own at hi+5 -reathless) Oh go'5 oh go'5 ohmigod) 0e presses his nose against +y *ore5 n%'ging the triangle o1 pin2 sil2) # *an<t help a +oan5 an' he

hasn<t e.en 'one anything yet) # *ry o%t when he .ery s%''enly rea*hes %p an' yan2s +y panties 'own) 0e li1ts one o1 +y 1eet -y the an2le5 a silent *o++an' to step o%t) # 'o5 an' now #<+ *o+pletely na2e'5 with Colton<s 1a*e -etween +y thighs) #<+ waiting5 waiting5 anti*ipating5 -%t he<s A%st loo2ing %p at +e5 'e.o%ring +e with his eyes5 his han's *%rle' aro%n' +y thighs on*e +ore5 A%st -eneath +y ass) #s he going to %se his +o%th on +e7 Fo 'own on +e7 Fo'5 #

want hi+ to) There<s no warning) 0e ti+es his assa%lt when # *lose +y eyes in 'esperation5 willing hi+ to 'o so+ething) Nothing5 nothing6 an' then s%''enly his hot wet tong%e sli'es slowly %p the *rease o1 +y 1ol's) # let +y hea' 1all -a*2 an' # whi+per in 'elight5 relie1) # ha.e to *l%t*h the 'oor1ra+e with all +y strength to stay %pright) 0is 1ingers are on the insi'es o1 +y thighs5 *%rling aro%n' 1ro+ -ehin' to p%ll +e apart5 sprea' +e

open 1or his +o%th) nother so1t5 slow li*2 %pwar'5 a thir'5 an' then he<s lapping5 lapping5 an' #<+ whi+pering nonstop) n' then he 'igs in with his tong%e5 pressing against the n%- o1 hypersensiti.e ner.es) # 'ip against his 1a*e5 +y legs gi.ing o%t) ENo*2 yo%r 2nees5 Nelly;-a-y)G # 'o it5 an' then his tong%e is insi'e +e on*e +ore5 *ir*ling +y *lit an' p%shing har' gasps o%t o1 +e5 so1t +oans5 -reathy whi+pers)

n in1erno o1 1iery press%re is -%il'ing insi'e +e5 a h%ge -alloon o1 i+pen'ing 'etonation) The e'ge is approa*hing5 an' he<s ta2ing +e there5 ta2ing +e past it5 into a won'erlan' o1 e*stasy) # want to to%*h hi+5 to%*h his hair5 his s2in5 -%t he tol' +e to hol' on to the 'oor an' i1 # 'on<t5 he +ight stop what he<s 'oing an' that wo%l' -e the worst5 so # hol' on to the 'oor li2e # was tol' an' let +ysel1 +oan as lo%' as # want) The

lo%'er +y .oi*e goes5 the 1aster an' +ore 1er.ently he li*2s +e) n' then5 A%st this si'e o1 *o+ing5 he slows an' p%lls his tong%e away5 res%+es li*2ing %p +y 1ol's5 an' # +a2e a so%n' o1 hal1;pleas%re5 hal1;1r%stration) One o1 his han's *ar.es aro%n' the o%tsi'e o1 +y thigh5 to%*hes +y the insi'e o1 the opposite 2nee5 then 'ri1ts %p to his *hin) 5es, yes, touch me, there. # nee' his 1ingers insi'e +e) 0e 'oesn<t tho%gh) ETell +e what yo% want +e to 'o) # won<t

'o it %nless yo% tell +e to)G # groan5 then tip +y hea' 'own to loo2 at hi+) 0is +o%th an' lips glisten with +y A%i*es5 his -l%e5 -l%e eyes shining with 'esire) ETo%*h +e) P%t yo%r 1ingers insi'e +e) :eep going 'own on +e)G # 'on<t sti1le +y +oan when he sli'es two 1ingers insi'e +y hot5 thro--ing5 'ren*he' *hannel) E?a2e +e *o+e)G E/ay +y na+e)G # -ite +y lip5 -e*a%se # *an<t help it an' -e*a%se it 'ri.es hi+ *raCy) E?a2e +e *o+e5 Colton)G

0e gr%+-les in his *hest) #t<s a goo' so%n') E$o% 2now5G he says5 pa%se to swipe +y 1ol's with his tong%e5 an' then *ontin%es5 Eyo%<re the only person in +y li1e who *alls +e that) 3.eryone else *alls +e Colt)G E(ant +e to *all yo% Colt instea'7G # as2) E0ell no) # lo.e the way yo% say +y na+e)G There aren<t any +ore wor's5 then5 -e*a%se his 1ingers are +o.ing in a way that has +e wanting to

s*rea+5 an' his tong%e has Ceroe' in on +y *lit again5 an' his han' is *aressing +y ass) 0e<s all o.er +e5 in +e5 on +e5 all aro%n' +e) ?y worl' has shr%n2 'own to hi+5 to Colton an' the insanely in*re'i-le thing he<s 'oing to +e) /o *lose5 so *lose) !%t then e.ery ti+e # rea*h the *%sp5 he see+s to 2now an' slows5 swit*hes his rhyth+ an' p%lls +e -a*2 1ro+ the e'ge) 0e<s 'rawing his *%es 1ro+ +y .oi*e5 # thin2) 0e hears the

te+po o1 +y +oans in*rease as # rea*h the e'ge5 an' then when #<+ gasping an' whi+pering with nee'5 he stops5 an' # throw +y hea' -a*2 in 1r%stration5 -%t then # tip it 1orwar' again to wat*h hi+ lap at +e) Oh go'5 he<s so se4y 'oing that) 0is 'ar2 hair glints in the light5 his s2in 'ar2 an' '%s2y in the low light5 his -are +%s*les glea+ing an' shi1ting as he +o.es) 0is han' is on +y ass5 hol'ing +e against hi+5 an' now #<.e lost all

*ontrol o.er +ysel1) #<+ 'ipping on wea2 2nees against his +o%th an' 1ingers5 an' +y han's are tangle' in his hair5 *r%shing hi+ against +e with wanton nee'5 *o+plete a-an'on+ent) E# nee' to *o+e5 Colton5G # -reathe) EPlease5 let +e *o+e)G 0e *aresses +y ass in *ir*les5 s+oothing the s2in o.er +y le1t *hee25 his right han' insi'e +e5 r%--ing against a spot high on +y walls5 r%--ing in a way that has +e panting an' whi+pering5 then p%lls his two 1ingers in an' o%t5

in an' o%t5 then r%-s the spot again) 0is tong%e is relentless5 %ntiring5 1li*2ing an' *ir*ling +y *lit5 -r%shing it5 li*2ing it5 s%*2ing it into his +o%th an' p%lling on it with gentle teeth) Closer5 now) /o *lose) E#<+ right there5G # hear +ysel1 say5 panting) EDon<t stop) Don<t stop)G 0e 'oesn<t answer5 A%st renews his assa%lt5 an' now #<+ on the e'ge5 ho.ering5 wa.ering5 a-o%t to tip 1orwar') ?y hea' is thrown

-a*2 an' #<+ +oaning o%t lo%'5 p%lling his 1a*e against +y *ore in the rhyth+ o1 +y 2nees< -%*2ling an' his tong%e<s sweeping) 0e p%lls +y *lit -etween his teeth an' s%*2les it har'5 r%--ing +e 1%rio%sly with his 1ingers5 an' then # *o+e) s # gasp a shrie25 anno%n*ing +y orgas+5 he slaps +y ass5 an' # *o+e so har' +y -reath lea.es +e an' +y s*rea+ is *%t o11) 0e slaps +y ass again5 on the other *hee25 with'rawing his 1ingers an' sli'ing the+ -a*2 in

as he s+a*2s +e a thir' ti+e) (ith ea*h slap o1 his han' on +y ass5 he 1li*2s +y *lit with his tong%e5 an' # *o+e5 *o+e5 *o+e5 -ent 1orwar' at the waist an' +o%th wi'e -%t silent) E/*rea+ 1or +e5 Nelly)G 0e a**o+panies the or'er with one last s+a*25 the har'est5 an' nips +y *lit with his teeth5 al+ost too har'5 -%t not @%ite) # *an<t help -%t o-ey5 s*rea+ing lo%' an' *ollapsing 1orwar') Colton *at*hes +e in his ar+s as

he stan's %p) #<+ twit*hing with wa.e a1ter wa.e o1 a1tersho*25 -%t # 1or*e +y eyes open5 wat*h as Colton +o.es a*ross the hall into the -athroo+5 'igs aro%n' in the *a-inet %n'er the sin25 p%lls o%t an %nopene' -o4 o1 *on'o+s) 0e opens the 1lap an' with'raws a string o1 pa*2ets5 rips one 1ree5 an' tosses the rest on the 1loor ne4t to the -e') (at*hing hi+ 'o this 'ri.es ho+e what<s a-o%t to happen)

Netting hi+ go 'own on +e5 to%*hing hi+5 2issing hi+5 +a2ing hi+ *o+e with +y han'5 all that is one thing) !%t a*t%al se45 hi+ a-o.e +e5 sli'ing into +e6that<s 'i11erent) 0e strips o11 his -o4ers an' settles onto the -e' ne4t to +e5 leaning o.er +e on one el-ow) E/e*on' tho%ghts7G 0e as2s5 ha.ing seen the loo2 on +y 1a*e5 pro-a-ly) EThere<s no press%re) $o% 'on<t want to 'o this5 we 'on<t JG E# 'o)G # li1t +y han' to *aress

the 2no-s o1 his spine 'own to his ass) E# really 'o) #t<s -een so long #<+ ner.o%s) !%t # want it)G E n' the ghosts7G EThere5 -%t #<+ wor2ing past the+)G # 1ollow the line o1 his si'e5 tra*e his ri-s5 then -a*2 'own to his hip) E$o%7G E/a+e)G 0is eyes ra2e 'own +y -o'y5 then 1li*2 %p to +eet +y eyes) E$o%<re so se4y5 Nell) /o -ea%ti1%l) # *an<t ta2e it5 yo%<re so 1%*2ing gorgeo%s) # 'on<t 'eser.e a 'eli*io%s little angel li2e yo%)G n' A%st li2e that5 the ner.es are

s%-s%+e' -eneath a ti'al wa.e o1 ten'erness an' 'esire) E#<+ no angel5G # say5 li1ting %p on one el-ow an' p%shing hi+ onto his -a*2) E n' yo% 'o 'eser.e +e) $o% 'eser.e so+eone -etter thanJG E# 'eser.e e4a*tly yo%5G he *%ts in5 settling his han's on +y hips as # 2neel astri'e his thighs) EOnly yo%) The goo' an' the -a') ll yo%5 all -ea%ti1%l)G # *an only stare at hi+ in response5 -lin2ing -a*2 e+otion) Not tears5 not really) &%st6 e+otion) # shi1t +y gaCe to his torso5 the

'ragon spewing 1ire5 the lettering5 the i+ages5 all painte' a*ross his glorio%sly +%s*le' physi@%e) # s+ooth +y han's o.er his *hest5 'own his sto+a*h5 tra*e the P; *%t with tre+-ling 1ingertips) # 1ollow the lines o1 the P 'ownwar' to the *lose;tri++e' p%-i* hair5 an' Jgod5 he<s h%geJhis sha1t) # li*2 +y lips5 an' then -ite 'own5 hesitating) 0e 'oesn<t +o.e5 A%st hol's +y hips loosely) ETo%*h +e5G he says) EThis is whate.er yo% want) $o%r pa*e)G

1ingertip5 at 1irst) &%st the pa' o1 +y in'e4 1inger graCing the .ery tip o1 hi+9 he Aer2s %n'er +y to%*h5 an' his sto+a*h retra*ts slightly5 then rela4es) ?y lip h%rts5 #<+ -iting it so har'5 an' his 1ingers tighten in the 1lesh o1 +y hip5 his sel1;*ontrol e4er*ise') #<.e 'one this to hi+ -e1ore5 -%t he was sleeping then5 not wat*hing) #t<s 'i11erent) # want to 2now how he li2es it5 what he wants5 what 1eels -est) # want to A%st to%*h

hi+5 hol' hi+) # want to wrap +y lips aro%n' hi+ an' taste hi+) That<s so+ething #<.e only 'one on*e or twi*e -e1ore a long ti+e ago5 an' # 1in' +ysel1 wanting to try it with hi+) # shi1t -a*2 on his legs so #<+ on +y shins5 stra''ling his 2nees) Then5 a 'eep -reath5 an' #<+ wrapping +y han' aro%n' hi+) 0e<s thi*2 in +y pal+5 har' as ro*25 the s2in so1t an' s*or*hing hot) ?y heart is a wil' 'r%+ in +y throat5 #<+ -arely -reathing) 0is

eyes are on +e5 his gaCe %nwa.ering an' %nrea'a-le) # sli'e +y han' 'own to his -ase5 an' he<s so long # *an pla*e +y other han' on hi+5 *ra'le hi+ with -oth 1ists) # slip +y 1ists %p his length5 then 'own again5 an' then #<.e got a rhyth+ going) EFo'5 Nell) # lo.e the way yo% to%*h +e)G 0is .oi*e is h%s2y5 slow) # 'on<t answer5 not %ntil #<.e -ent o.er hi+ so his pin25 .eine' 1lesh in 1ront o1 +y 1a*e) E# want to

taste yo%)G E(hate.er yo% want5G he says) E!%t #<+ not gonna *o+e in yo%r +o%th)G ENo7G # hesitate5 then to%*h +y lips to his hea') ENope) Not this ti+e5 at least) # want to -e insi'e yo% when # *o+e) # want to -e staring into yo%r -ea%ti1%l eyes when we *o+e together)G 0e tangles his han' in +y hair5 then sl%+ps his hea' -a*2 when # 1in' +y *o%rage an' slip hi+ -etween +y lips) 0e tastes o1 s2in5 salt5 an' heat5 an' there<s

+oist%re sli*2ing his tip5 to%*hing +y tong%e an' tasting o1 1aint +%s2 an' salt) 0e +oans5 an' # ta2e hi+ 'eeper5 p%shing hi+ in*h -y in*h into +y +o%th5 r%nning +y tong%e along hi+) #<.e got +y 1ist aro%n' hi+ still5 an' # sli'e it %p an' 'own on his -ase5 an' then +y lips are to%*hing +y 1ist an' he<s as 1ar as he *an go -e1ore # gag) # -a*2 away5 sli'ing hi+ o%t5 +o.ing +y han' on hi+5 then 'es*en' on*e +ore) 0e 1l%tters his hips

slightly as he rea*hes the -a*2 o1 +y throat) E/orry5 'i'n<t +ean to gag yo%)G # p%ll +y +o%th o11 hi+5 -%t not +y han's5 an' loo2 at hi+) E#t<s 1ine) # li2e the way yo% taste)G # 'on<t wait 1or hi+ to answer5 -%t wrap +y lips aro%n' hi+ again an' ta2e hi+ 'eep) This ti+e5 # gag +ysel1 with hi+ on p%rpose5 o%t o1 *%riosity5 to see how 1ar # *an go) E&es%s5 Nell)G 0e tries to p%ll his hips -a*25 -%t there<s nowhere 1or hi+ to go5 an' he<s hissing5 tightening his 1ingers in +y hair) E#1 yo%<re gonna 'o that5 at least

try to rela4 yo%r throat) Don<t 'o anything yo% 'on<t want to) Don<t 'o anything I*a%se yo% thin2 # e4pe*t it)G # -a*2 away5 then 'own again5 an' this ti+e # rela4 +y throat +%s*les an' ta2e hi+ 'eeper) Oh go'5 oh go'5 ohmigod) /o 'eep) /o h%ge) l+ost too +%*h5 -%t # li2e it) # 'on<t 2now what that says a-o%t +e5 an' # 'on<t *are) 0e li2es it5 # *an tell) 0e<s hol'ing -a*25 -%t he really li2es it) # set a rhyth+5 -a*2ing away %ntil his tip is at +y lips5 then ta2e hi+ as 'eep as # *an5 sli'ing +y 1ist on

hi+ as # -a*2 away) E"%*25 Nell) "%*25 that<s in*re'i-le)G 0e<s -reathless5 tre+-ling 1ro+ the e11ort to hol' still) E$o% *an +o.e5G # tell hi+) EDon<t hol' -a*2)G 0e groans an' -egins to +o.e into +y rhyth+) # glan*e %p at hi+ as his hea' is at +y lips5 an' his 1a*e is t%rne' %p to the *eiling5 a loo2 o1 paine' rapt%re on his 1a*e) # lo.e 2nowing #<+ gi.ing hi+ this pleas%re) 0is 1ingers are

*len*he' into +y *%rls5 tight against +y s*alp) 0e p%lls on +e gently5 en*o%raging +e) 0e +o.es5 +o.es5 thr%sting into +y +o%th) # ta2e hi+5 ta2e all o1 hi+) # 2now he sai' he wasn<t going to *o+e in +y +o%th5 -%t # 'e*i'e to +a2e hi+) # want it) # want to swallow it5 taste it5 1eel it5 1eel hi+ lose *ontrol in +y +o%th) ETo%*h +y sa*25G he says5 the wor's grate' past *len*he' teeth) EPlease)G # *%p his -alls in one han'5 an'

they<re tight5 swollen) # +assage the+ as ten'erly as # *an5 +o.ing +y other han' at his root5 p%+ping swi1tly5 -o--ing onto hi+ 1aster an' 1aster) 0is -reathing is ragge'5 his hips +o.ing in %n*ontrolle' spas+s) # ta2e hi+ 'eep e.ery ti+e5 an' # 'on<t gag) #<+ pro%' o1 that) # li2e 1eeling hi+ in +y throat5 2nowing he li2es it5 lo.es it) 0e<s gi.en +e s%*h pleas%re 'oing this to +e5 an' now # *an gi.e it -a*2) 0e tries to p%ll away) E# ha.e to

Jha.e to stop) #<+ too *lose5 Nell)G 0e t%gs on +y hair5 twi*e) # only +o.e 1aster5 an' then # 1eel his hips gi.e in an' thr%st into +e again) # 1eel his -alls tense an' p%lse5 an' then his hips strain at the ape4 o1 a thr%st5 'eep in +y throat) # 1eel a hot r%sh sp%rt 'own +y throat) # -a*2 away so his tip is -etween +y lips an' s%*2 har') 0e groans lo%' an' his hips -%*2 an' another strea+ Aets into +y +o%th) # taste it this ti+e5 thi*2 an' hot an' salty on +y

tong%e5 sli'ing 'own +y throat as # swallow) # s@%eeCe his -ase an' p%+p5 s%*2ing still5 an' he %nleashes a thir' ti+e5 a lesser a+o%nt an' a so1ter sp%rt) (hen # 1eel the spas+s s%-si'e5 # ta2e hi+ 'eep one last ti+e5 then spit hi+ o%t an' sli'e %p his -o'y so #<+ resting on his *hest) 0is still;har' tip n%'ges +y 1ol's5 an' # *an<t help -%t wiggle against it5 wor2ing it in) # want to 1eel hi+ insi'e +e) Colton is tense' an' tre+-ling5

sh%''ering) E0oly shit5 Nell) That was 1%*2ing in*re'i-le)G # giggle against his sho%l'er) EThan2s7 # wasn<t s%re i1 # was 'oing that right5 -%t yo% see+e' to li2e it5 so6G 0e stills) E$o%<.e ne.er 'one that -e1ore7G # shr%g) E# have5 -%t6it was a long5 long ti+e ago5 an' # only 'i' it a *o%ple ti+es)G That<s as *lose to 'etails as #<+ willing to go with hi+ in this +o+ent) 0e see+s to %n'erstan'5 -e*a%se he A%st no's) EFot*ha) (ell5 # *an tell yo% it was the -est

1%*2ing thing #<.e e.er 1elt)G # 1eel a thrill o1 pri'e) EOeally7G The -a*2 o1 +y +in' tells +e he +%st ha.e a lot o1 e4perien*e to -ase it on5 whi*h is so+ething # 'on<t want to e4a+ine too *losely) E -so;1%*2ing;l%tely)G E$o%<re A%st saying that)G 0e la%ghs) ENo5 #<+ not) #t really was that goo')G 0e +o.es5 a s%''en shi1t5 an' #<+ on +y -a*2 an' he<s a-o.e +e5 lips to%*hing +y sho%l'er5 pressing so1t 2isses to +y s2in) E n' now # get to

2iss e.ery in*re'i-le in*h o1 yo%r -o'y)G n' he 'oes5 e.ery single single in*h) 0e starts at +y sho%l'ers5 2isses slowly a*ross +y -reast-one5 2neeling -etween +y legs5 then sli'es his 2isses 'own -etween +y -reasts) # want his +o%th there5 -%t he teases +e5 2issing the swell o1 ea*h -reast -%t not ta2ing the nipple into his +o%th as # want hi+ to) 0e to%*hes his lips in a series o1 wet 2isses 'own +y sto+a*h5 a*ross +y -elly to

+y hips5 'own ea*h thigh) # e4pe*t hi+ to p%t his +o%th to +y *ore5 -%t he 'oesn<t) #nstea'5 he 2isses 'angero%sly *lose to ea*h si'e5 a-o.e5 the insi'e o1 ea*h thigh with his ro%gh *hee2s san'paper against +y sensiti.e s2in5 -%t he ne.er to%*hes his +o%th to +y 1ol's) n' then he<s +o.ing -a*2 %p a1ter ha.ing 2isse' +y shins an' +y *al.es an' +y 1eet) 0e gets to +y 2nees5 then hesitates5 ta2es +y hips in his han's an' twists +e onto +y sto+a*h) # pillow

+y hea' on +y ar+s an' try not to -e sel1;*ons*io%s as he 2isses +y *al.es5 the -a*2s o1 +y thighs5 then5 yes5 ea*h -%tto*25 wan'ering o.er the glo-es5 paying spe*ial attention to it5 pal+ing the *hee2 aro%n' his lips5 s@%eeCing the +%s*le5 tra*ing the *rease) 0is 1inger 'el.es into the *rease5 an' s%''enly the all;o.er 2issing isn<t as sweet as it is eroti*) 0is +o%th is still +o.ing o.er +y -%tto*2s5 -%t his 1inger5 it<s going -etween +y thighs an'

-a*2 %p5 'eeper) E$o% li2e' +y 1inger insi'e yo% -a*2 here5 'i'n<t yo%7G he as2s5 his .oi*e ro%gh an' 'e+an'ing) # *an only whi+per in response) # 'i' li2e it) # *an<t say that tho%gh) E nswer +e5 -a-y)G 0e n%'ges +y thighs open with his 2nees5 sprea'ing +e) EDi' yo% li2e it7G 0e 2eeps p%shing +y 2nees %ntil they<re -ent as 1ar as they *an 1le45 an' #<+ sprea' *o+pletely 1or hi+) 0is pal+ *ir*les +y -a*2si'e5 an' # *an sense he<s

waiting 1or +y answer) # 'on<t) # want to p%sh hi+5 see what he<ll 'o) 0e span2s +e again5 a light -%t stinging slap) #++e'iately5 +y *ore *len*hes an' #<+ wet5 'ripping) # +oan into the pillow) E$es5 Colton) # li2e' it)G E(ant it again7G EMh;h%h)G # *an<t +a2e wor's) 0is thi*2 1ore1inger is trailing 'own +y *rease an' pro-ing in5 *a%sing +y -reath to hit*h an' +y -o'y to tre+-le) 0is other han' sli'es %n'er +e5 his 1ingers *%rling %p to +assage +y *lit) Nightning shoots

thro%gh +e5 an' # wriggle %n'er his to%*h) 0is 1inger sli'es %p an' 'own still5 *losing in -%t not p%shing or pressing) 0is to%*h on +y *lit is gentle an' so1t an' slow5 @%esting *ir*les to get +e rea'y) Oh5 #<+ rea'y) /o rea'y) # stret*h +y legs to open +ore5 an' now his 1inger is gone -rie1ly then -a*2 again) # 1eel so+ething wet an' war+ against +e -a*2 there5 an' then there<s press%re) ETell +e i1 it<s too +%*h)G 0e p%shes in5 oh;so gently) Oh

go'5 oh go'5 ohmigod) Now his *ir*ling 1ingers are swi1t an' a**%rate5 sen'ing heat thro%gh +e) # shi1t an' ar*h5 -ow +y -a*2 an' roll +y hips) /o goo') /o goo') # li1t %p onto +y 2nees an' p%sh -a*25 li2ing the 1%llness o1 his 1inger insi'e +e) Oh go') EColton6'on<t stop)G ENo 1%*2ing way)G 0e sli'es his 1inger 'eeper5 an' #<+ nearly %n'one) #t<s so intense5 1iery an' stret*hing an' slightly pain1%l5 -%t pain is 1a+iliar an' wel*o+e an'

eroti*) /o per1e*t) !%t no5 # realiCe e.en as # thin2 it that this isn<t per1e*t) 0i+ insi'e +e wo%l' -e per1e*t) &%st li2e this5 -%t his *o*2 instea' o1 his 1ingers) E# want yo% insi'e +e)G # t%rn +y hea' to whisper the wor's o.er +y sho%l'er) EOight now)G ENi2e this7G EFo' yes) Ni2e this)G ?y .oi*e is a 1ier*e whisper) # hear a pa*2et rip5 1eel his han' with'raw 1ro+ +y *ore5 an' # t%rn to wat*h hi+ sli'e a *on'o+ on one;han'e') # rest +y weight on +y el-ows5 wat*hing hi+

ta2e his sha1t in han' an' g%i'e it to +y entran*e) gentle n%'ge5 an' then his eyes on +ine as he hesitates) ENell5 #JG 0e<s so 'o+inating so+e ti+es5 gi.ing +e or'ers that # 1in' +ysel1 wanting to o-ey5 ta2ing +e to 'elirio%s heights o1 e*stasy) n' then5 other ti+es5 he<s hesitant an' %ns%re5 -%t it<s only e.er as regar's to +e5 +a2ing s%re #<+ on the sa+e page as hi+5 +a2ing s%re # want what<s happening)

# *an<t 1or+ wor's to answer hi+5 so # p%sh -a*2 against hi+5 an' # 1eel hi+ sli'e into +e5 1illing +e) Oh6+y6go') # hang +y hea' -etween +y ar+s an' -ra*e +y sho%l'ers5 thr%st -a*2 to *r%sh hi+ 'eep) E;uck5 Nell) Fo'5 yo%<re so 1%*2ing tight)G 0is .oi*e is straine'5 thi*2) 0is han' grips +y hip where it<s -ent an' p%lls +e against hi+) n' now he<s 1l%sh against +e5

hips to +y ass5 1inger insi'e +e there still) E$o%<re so big5 Colton6G # say5 then ha.e to sti1le a giggle5 realiCing how that *a+e o%t) # sai' it -reathily5 an' it so%n'e' li2e so+ething 1ro+ a porno) !%t it<s tr%e) 0e<s h%ge5 stret*hing +e) E#s it o2ay7 #<+ not h%rting yo%7G # sha2e +y hea') E#t<s per1e*t)G # 1eel the press%re -%il'ing5 a .ol*ani* heat insi'e +e) 0e sli'es o%t an' o%t5 an' then he<s poise' with the tip insi'e +e5 hesitating

a heart-eat5 then pl%nges in slowly an' # *ry o%t5 a -reathless shrie2) nother slow sli'e o%t5 an' then -a*2 in5 his 1inger p%lsing insi'e +e5 slightly in an' o%t5 p%shing the press%re to a hea'5 lightning -%il'ing an' *ra*2ling in +y -loo'5 in +y +%s*les) 0e hesitates at +y entran*e again5 his tip nestle' in +y 1ol's5 an' this ti+e when he thr%sts in5 it<s 1aster5 al+ost ro%gh) E$es5 go' yes5 Colton) Ni2e that)G

0e p%lls o%t an' pistons 'eep5 har') ENi2e that7G E$eah6G # gasp) gain5 har'5 'eep5 so 'eep) E$o% li2e it har'7G ro%gh rhyth+ now5 'eep an' 1ast) E$es5 Colton6# li2e it har')G EOh +y 1%*2ing go'5 Nell)G 0e -en's o.er +e5 -%rie' 'eep5 rests his hea' against +y spine) E0ow are yo% so 1%*2ing in*re'i-le7G # ha.e no way to answer that5 an' # 'on<t ha.e a *han*e to anyway5 -e*a%se he<s po%n'ing into +e again) # whi+per at ea*h thr%st5

p%sh into hi+ when he sli'es 'eep) There<s no tho%ght -%t this +o+ent5 no +e+ory -%t the pre.io%s thr%st5 no one in the worl' -%t Colton) The press%re o1 i+pen'ing orgas+ is a th%n'ering presen*e insi'e +e5 an' # 2now when it *o+es5 it will -e an in%n'ating weight *rashing thro%gh +e) Then he slows an' shallows his thr%sts5 sli'ing hal1way in5 +o.ing in a sin%o%s rhyth+) Oh shit5 that<s intense) 3.en +ore intense

than ha.ing it ro%gh5 in a way) 0e<s hitting insi'e +e in way that stri2es a *hor'5 +a2es +e thr%+) The e'ge is near5 +y *li+a4 ho.ering *lose) 0e +o.es his 1inger a little 'eeper5 wiggles it in an' o%t5 an' then a-r%ptly po%n's 'eep5 har'5 an' # -rea2 apart) # s*rea+5 sho.e +y ass -a*2 into his thr%sts5 *o+ing an' *o+ing an' *o+ing) Then #<+ +o.ing5 #<.e lost his presen*e within +e5 #<+ on +y -a*2 an' a-o%t to -eg hi+ to -e

insi'e +e again5 -%t he<s there5 sli'ing in gently5 an' # sigh in relie1 to ha.e hi+ -a*2 where he -elongs) ENell5 loo2 at +e)G 0is .oi*e snaps +y eyes open5 an' his gaCe is intense5 .i.i' -l%e5 rapt%ro%s in the way he<s gaCing at +e with s%*h open a'oration) E0i5G # say) E0i)G 0e says -a*2) 0is han's li1t +e -y the sho%l'ers %ntil #<+ %pright an' sitting on his 2nees5 so+ewhat aw2war'ly) E(rap yo%r legs aro%n' +y waist)G 0e<s *ross;legge'5 sitting

%pright5 hol'ing +e5 an' # *%rl +y heels aro%n' his hips) The shi1t in position e11e*ts an i++e'iate 'i11eren*e) 0e<s6deep) /o 1ar insi'e +e it<s %nreal) # gasp5 an' then # *an<t e.en 'o that5 +y +o%th lo*2e' wi'e in a silent s*rea+ as # sin2 'own aro%n' hi+) EOh go'5 oh shit5G he says) E$o%<re so 1%*2ing tight) 0a.e # sai' that yet7G E$o%Jyo% +ay ha.e5G # gasp) E#<+ gla' #<+ tight 1or yo%)G E?o.e 1or +e) Ni1t yo%rsel1 %p an' 'own) ?a2e yo%rsel1 *o+e)G

0is .oi*e *aresses +e5 his eyes lo*2 on +ine) # o-ey5 o1 *o%rse # 'o) # p%sh 'own with +y heels5 li1t with +y thighs5 grip his sho%l'ers with +y han's an' li1t) # ho.er with hi+ -arely insi'e5 then5 eyes wi'e an' +o%th gaping5 # lower +ysel1 as slowly as # *an) # li1t again an' his han's sli'e %n'er +y ass5 li1t +e5 lower +e) ?y rhyth+ in*reases %ntil #<+ 1ranti*5 *li+a4 -%il'ing to a pea2) 0e senses it5 sees it) ECo+e 1or

+e)G Oh5 # 'o) /o har') 0e<s hol'ing -a*25 # thin2) E$o%r t%rn5G # say) E# want yo% to *o+e now)G 0e growls5 tips %s so #<+ on +y -a*2 an' now he<s a-o.e +e an' now5 now it<s per1e*t) This is per1e*t hea.en5 happiness li2e #<.e ne.er 2nown -e1ore an' # 1eel no g%ilt or pain or sha+e or anything -%t Colton<s -o'y presse' against +ine5 his +o%th pressing 1iery 2isses to +y -reast5 ta2ing a nipple in his +o%th an' rolling it5 his *o*2 'rilling 'eep6

# lo*2 +y legs aro%n' hi+ an' +y han's on the -a*2 o1 his hea'5 p%lling hi+ against +y -reast) 0e rolls into +e slowly at 1irst5 al+ost laCily) 0is +o%th +o.es 1ro+ one -reast to the other5 his han's 1lat on the -e' ne4t to +y hea') # t%rn +y 1a*e to the si'e an' 2iss his iron 1orear+5 then stret*h +y +o%th wi'e in a so1t gasp as he in*reases his pa*e5 -iting +y nipple har' eno%gh to twinge) # 'i'n<t thin2 it was possi-le5 -%t #<+ nearing *li+a4 again5 an' # 'on<t thin2 # *an ta2e another

one5 not when they 2eep getting +ore intense) #1 that 2eeps %p #<ll -e rippe' in hal1 -y this one5 an' yeah5 it<s on +e5 now5 so *lose) 0e<s -%*2ing har'5 now5 pl%nging +a'ly5 his weight a hea.y press%re on +e5 his *hest sli'ing against +ine5 his +o%th at +y ear) 0e<s whispering +y na+e o.er an' o.er again5 *hanting it as he ro*2s into +e) One o1 +y han's is tangle' in the hair at the -a*2 o1 his hea'5 the other is s*rat*hing 'own his -a*2 to *l%t*h his tensing

-%tto*2s5 p%lling hi+ against +e) 0is .oi*e h%11s in +y ear5 a gaspe' whisper) EOh go'6#<+ *o+ing5 Nell) Co+e with +e) Co+e with +e5 -a-y)G 0is hea' li1ts an' o%r eyes lo*2) E$es6yes6now5G # say) EFi.e it all to +e5 right now)G This 'ri.es hi+ wil'5 an' he *rashes into +e5 ro%gh an' har' an' %n*ontrolle') #t<s the +ost in*re'i-le thing #<.e e.er e4perien*e'5 this pri+al 1or*e o1 a +an lost in the throes o1 e*stasy5 *rashing into +e) 0e po%n's

1%rio%sly5 'ri.ing 'eep5 an' # 'ig +y 1ingers into his 1lesh an' his hair5 Aer2 hi+ har'er with +y legs5 1eeling +y own *li+a4 wash o.er +e) 0is rhyth+ 1alters5 st%tters5 an' then he<s 1le4e'5 e.ery +%s*le ta%t as -owstring5 -%rie' 'eep) 0e p%lls -a*2 slowly5 'rawing hi+sel1 o%t5 an' then *rashes 'eep5 a se*on' ti+e5 a thir'5 an' then he goes li+p on top o1 +e5 his h%ge weight *r%shing +e won'er1%lly) # stro2e his -a*2 in slow5

soothing *ir*les5 2iss his sho%l'er5 the shell o1 his ear5 his te+ple) # s+ooth +y han's 'own his spine5 *aress his ass5 then tra*e %p his si'es5 +e+oriCing the 1eel o1 his +%s*les5 the way his -o'y 1eels on +ine) 0e shi1ts) E# +%st -e *r%shing yo%)G # hol' hi+ in pla*e) ENo5 'on<t +o.e) # li2e it) $o%<re 1ine) # lo.e 1eeling yo% li2e this)G 0is 1a*e is n%CCle' into the hollow o1 +y ne*2 an' *hin5 his -reathing slow an' stea'y) #<.e

ne.er5 e.er 1elt s%*h *o+plete *ontent+ent as in this +o+ent) #<+ sate'5 #<+ happy) #<+ thro--ing an' tingling all o.er5 1l%she' with e*stasy5 o.erwhel+e' an' 1%ll in +y heart5 +in'5 -o'y an' so%l) n' then it hits +e) (e<.e -oth -een %sing the phrase E# lo.e this5G or E# lo.e it when yo%6G an' that<s a so*ially a**epta-le phrase 1or so+ething yo% really enAoy) !%t6the tr%th is5 # thin2 we -oth +ean it in the 'eeper sense) #

2now # 'o) # wo%l'n<t *hange this +o+ent 1or anything) n' # *ertainly wo%l' ne.er gi.e %p ha.ing this with Colton) # want to e4perien*e this again an' again5 as +%*h as possi-le) # 1eel *loser to Colton in this +o+ent than # ha.e anyone -e1ore) This tho%ght -rings %p a wa.e o1 g%ilt5 -%t # p%sh it away) E(hat are yo% thin2ing5 Nelly; -a-y7G Colton rolls with +e5 an' now #<+ lying nearly on top o1 hi+) # throw +y thigh o.er his leg an'

roa+ his torso with a han'5 +y hair sprea' -eneath +e an' o.er his *hest) E#<+ thin2ing this is the -est +o+ent o1 +y li1e) 0onestly) # 1eel *loser to yo% right now than anyone6e.er) #<+ thin2ing6# want to e4perien*e +o+ents li2e this with yo% 1ore.er)G # s%*2 in a 'eep -reath an' let it o%t5 then ta2e the pl%nge) E#<+ str%ggling with 1eeling g%ilty o.er that5 -e*a%se o1 e.erything we tal2e' a-o%t regar'ing yo%r -rother5 -%tJit<s A%st the tr%th) #<+ *loser to yo% now than

# e.er was hi+) # 'on<t 2now why that is) #t h%rts5 it<s *on1%sing) # 2now # lo.e' hi+) # 'i') !%t6 so+ehow #<+ A%stJthings with yo% an' +e are A%st6+ore) # 'on<t 2now)G 0e stro2es +y hair5 s+oothes it o.er +y hea') E# get it) # 1eel the sa+e way) # 2now # lo.e' #n'ia) !%t this with yo%7 #t<s li2e6so +%*h +ore it<s al+ost a *o+pletely 'i11erent 2in' o1 thing)G # shi1t an' tilt +y hea' so #<+ loo2ing into his eyes) E#<+ 1alling in lo.e with yo%5 Colton)

# 'on<t 2now i1 it<s too soon to say that to yo%5 -%t6it<s tr%e) #t<s s*ary5 -e*a%se # 'on<t 2now i1 e.ery-o'y is going to %n'erstan'5 -%t # 'on<t *are right now) # A%st ha.e to say it to yo%5 -e*a%seJA%st -e*a%se)G 0e 'raws +e %p to hi+ an' 2isses +e5 his pal+ h%ge against +y *hee2) # 1eel so tiny against hi+5 li2e # *o%l' *%rl %p against hi+ an' 'isappear) E#t<s not too soon) # was gonna say the sa+e thing5 -%t yo% -eat

+e to it)G # s+ile) E/ay it anyway) Please7G 0e ta2es a 'eep -reath an' lets it o%t5 e4a+ining +y 1a*e al+ost i'ly5 o-.io%sly *o+posing his tho%ghts) E#<+ not A%st 1alling in lo.e with yo%5 Nell) #<+ 1alling into yo%) $o%<re an o*ean5 an' #<+ 1alling in5 'rowning in the 'epths o1 who yo% are) Ni2e yo% sai'5 it<s s*ary in a way5 -%t it<s also the +ost a+aCing thing #<.e e.er e4perien*e') 5ou are the +ost a+aCing thing #<.e e.er e4perien*e')G

"or the 1irst ti+e sin*e :yle 'ie'5 # 1in' +ysel1 *rying happy tears) #<' 1orgotten what those were) Chapter 12: "eel $o% !are # wa2e to g%itar *hor's an' Colton<s .oi*e) #t<s 1aint5 1iltering to +e 1ro+ 1ar away) 0e<s on the roo1) # wipe the sleep an' the tangle' *%rls 1ro+ +y eyes5 swing +y legs o%t o1 his -e'J o%r -e'7J an' slip on a *lean T;shirt 1ro+ a la%n'ry -as2et on the 1loor) #t<s still 'ar2 o%t5 -%t as # *li+- the *rea2ing stairs to the roo15 g%itar

in han'5 # see sli*es o1 gray on the horiCon -etween high;rises an' apart+ent -lo*2s) n ho%r or two -e1ore 'awn5 then) Colton is in his *hair5 wearing loose tra*2 pants an' a rippe' an' ragge' gray Cha+pion hoo'ie5 the hoo' 'rawn 'own o.er his -rows5 a tangle o1 -la*2 hair sweeping a*ross his -row) 0is legs are 2i*2e' %p5 -are heels proppe' on the le'ge) 0is eyes are *lose'5 g%itar on his -elly5 1ingers pi*2ing a

slow5 sweet t%ne that re+in's +e o1 so+ething -y City S Colo%r5 -%t isn<t) 0e<s singing so1tly5 his 1a*e twisting an' -rows 2notting as he hits high notes5 his e4pressions *o++%ni*ating the intensity o1 his 1eelings as he sings) +%g o1 *o11ee sits on the 1loor ne4t hi+5 within rea*h5 stea+ing5 an' a h%ge ther+os is also near-y so he *an re1ill it) # sit on the le'ge5 1eet on the stairs5 wat*hing5 listening) # *an<t @%ite 1ollow the wor's he<s singing5 sin*e he<s 2in' o1 +%+-ling an' singing so1tly)

3.ery on*e in a while5 he stops5 -a*2s %p a 1ew *hor's an' a'A%sts the +elo'y or phrasing) 0e<s writing a song5 # realiCe) 0e rea*hes the en' o1 the song an' rea*hes 'own 1or his *o11ee5 noti*ing +e in the pro*ess) EOh5 hey) 0ope # 'i'n<t wa2e yo% %p)G # shr%g an' +o.e a*ross the roo1 to sit on the lo.eseat) E$o% 'i'5 -%t it<s 1ine) # li2e wa2ing %p to yo%r .oi*e)G Fo'5 that so%n'e' so sappy5 -%t # 'on<t *are5 espe*ially when # see how Colton<s eyes light %p) E(hat are yo% 'oing %p

so early7G # as2) 0e passes +e the +%g o1 *o11ee5 an' # sip it as he answers) E# wo2e %p with this song in +y hea') # ha' to write it5 get it o%t5 yo% 2now7G E#t<s -ea%ti1%l5 1ro+ what # hear'5G # say5 tr%th1%lly) E#t<s not 'one yet5 -%t than2s)G E(hat<s it a-o%t7G 0e str%+s the strings with his th%+-) E$o%) Ms) #t *a+e 1ro+ so+ething # sai' to yo% last night)G EPlay it 1or +e7G 0e grins an' sha2es his hea')

EN%h;%h) Not till it<s 'one) (e<.e got a gig on Th%rs'ay) #<ll play it 1or yo% then)G # preten' to po%t5 an' Colton only la%ghs) (e share *o11ee an' wat*h the s%n *o+e %p -etween the -%il'ings5 wor2ing on the songs we<re per1or+ing) #<+ happy5 an' # re1%se to let anything spoil that5 not e.en the e.er;present g%ilt5 an' the 1a*t that # still +iss :yle) # realiCe #<ll always +iss :yle5 an' a part o1 +e will always 1eel

g%ilty A%st 1or -eing ali.e when he isn<t5 an' that<s so+ething #<ll A%st ha.e to li.e with) QQQ #t<s Th%rs'ay an' +y ner.es are at an all;ti+e high) #<.e got three solo n%+-ers this wee25 pl%s Colton is 'e-%ting his new song) (e get thro%gh the re@%isite '%et *o.ers o1 ?%+1or' S /ons5 The Ci.il (ars5 Oosi Folan an' s%*h) # 'o +y solo n%+-ers5 ENet #t !e ?eG -y Oay Na?ontagne5 an' +y *o.ers o1 the 3lla an' !illie songs5 whi*h ha.e -e*o+e a 2in' o1 *row' 1a.orite in the

wee2s that #<.e -een playing with Colton) n' then5 i++e'iately a1ter o%r -rea25 Colton *lears his throat into the +i* an' str%+s5 a'A%sting his t%ning) #t<s his way o1 getting the *row'<s attention) EO2ay5 so #<.e got this new song5G he says) E#t<s a Colt original) nyone want to hear it7G # yell EyesHG into the +i*rophone5 then -a*2 away an' *lap with e.eryone else) 0e s+iles at +e5 sin*e he 2nows # want to hear it)

#<.e only pestere' hi+ to gi.e +e snea2 pee2 e.ery single 'ay sin*e the roo1top s%nrise Aa+ session) EF%ess #<ll play it5 then)G 0e ta2es a 'eep -reath an' lets it o%t) E/o5 yeah) This is *alle' E"alling #nto $o%G an' it<s a-o%t Nell5 here) #t is 2in' o1 a lo.e;song5 -%t 'on<t tell anyone) #<.e got a rep%tation as a -a'ass to %phol' a1ter all)G The *row' la%ghs an' *heers5 en*o%raging hi+) 0e starts the +elo'y on his g%itar5 a *o+pli*ate' arrange+ent o1 pi*2ing an'

str%++ing) The t%ne is +ore *o+ple45 now5 -%t # re*ogniCe the %n'erlying the+e 1ro+ what # hear' on the roo1) Then he sings5 an' he lo*2s eyes with +e5 an' # realiCe he<s singing this to +e5 only to +e) (e +ight -e in 1ront o1 a *row' o1 a h%n're' or so people5 -%t we<re *o+pletely alone) E ll +y li1e it see+s #<.e -een 1alling5 "ailing5 "lailing5 !arely 2eeping +y hea' a-o.e water)

n' then one 'ay # saw yo% /tan'ing -eneath a sprea'ing tree5 Oe1%sing to weep) !%t e.en then # saw The weight o1 pain hi'ing in yo%r eyes5 n' # wishe' then5 There -eneath that tree5 To ta2e it all away) !%t # ha' no wor's to heal yo%) # ha' no wor's to heal +ysel1) n' now that "ate has inter.ene'5 Conspire' to 'raw %s together5 Despite the years -etween %s5

Despite the weight o1 pain !ehin' -oth o%r eyes5 Despite the ghosts trailing all aro%n' %s Ni2e a 1og o1 ha%nting so%ls5 #<+ still trying to 1in' the wor's to heal yo%5 To ta2e yo%r pain an' +a2e it all +y own /o yo%r -ea%ti1%l eyes *an s+ile5 /o yo% *an -e at pea*e) n' now that "ate has inter.ene'5 Conspire' to 'raw %s together5 # *an<t resist the l%re o1 yo%r eyes5 The te+ptation o1 yo%r -ea%ty5

The siren song o1 yo%r .oi*e (hispering +y na+e #n the 'ar2 *o+1ort -etween +y sheets) # *an<t resist yo%5 -a-y5 !e*a%se #<+ 1alling still5 #<+ 1alling into yo%)G !y the ti+e he 1inishes the song5 #<+ in tears) Foo' tears5 again) The happy5 sappy 2in') # *o+pletely 1orget that we<re onstage) # leap o11 +y stool an' *r%sh +ysel1 -etween his legs5 his g%itar har' -etween %s5 an' 2iss hi+ 'eeply) 0e tangles his han' in +y hair at +y nape5 2issing +e

-a*2 %ntil the *row' -egins to *at*all an' *heer5 'rawing %s -a*2 to the present) E# ta2e it yo% li2e' it7G Colton as2s5 whispering in +y ear) # *an only no' an' try to *o+pose +ysel1 so we *an 'o the ne4t n%+-er together witho%t losing it) QQQ (e<re stan'ing on the stoop o1 +y apart+ent -%il'ing5 +y ar+s aro%n' his ne*2) #<+ on the se*on' step5 he<s on the gro%n'5 so #<+ eye to eye with hi+5 ni--ling on

his earlo-e as he tries to *on.in*e +e to A%st *o+e -a*2 to his pla*e with hi+ instea' o1 staying here) EColton6this is +y apart+ent5 +y ho+e) #<+ paying rent5 a lot o1 rent5 so # ha.e to get so+e %se o%t o1 it) $o% *an *o+e %p with +e5 tho%gh)G E# ha.e wor2 in the +orning) The g%ys are showing %p at se.en to 1inish the 0e+i we<re re-%il'ing)G E n' # ha.e *lass at eight) (e<ll A%st wa2e %p early)G # 1rown5 realiCing he<s 'oing the thing where

he a.oi's so+ething that +a2es hi+ %n*o+1orta-le -%t 'oesn<t want to let on) E(hat<s the real 'eal5 here5 Colton7 (hy 'on<t yo% want to stay at +y pla*e7G 0e shr%gs5 -%t then +eets +y eyes) E#t<s A%st one o1 those things) 1ter -eing ho+eless 1or as long as # was5 it<s har' 1or +e to sleep anywhere -%t +y pla*e) # 'on<t 2now how to e4plain it) # A%st6# li2e -eing at ho+e) #t<s not that # 'on<t li2e yo%r pla*e5 or whate.er) # A%st pre1er +ine)G ECan yo% try7 "or +e7 # want

yo% in +y -e')G # ne.er really tho%ght a-o%t it %ntil now5 -%t al+ost all o1 the ti+e we<.e spent together has -een at his pla*e5 or o%t) E$o% want +e in yo%r -e'5 h%h7G 0e grins at +e sala*io%sly) # p%ll hi+ *loser against +e) E$es) n' # +ean that in e.ery sense o1 the phrase)G E#n that *ase5 # +ight -e a-le to try) "or yo%)G 0e sli'es his pal+s 'own +y -a*2 to *r%sh +y -o'y against his5 gripping +y ass an' li1ting +e) # -ite his ne*2 an' then whisper

in his ear) E#t<ll -e worth it5 # pro+ise)G E# 2now it will -e) ny ti+e spent with yo%5 anywhere5 is worth it) 3.en i1 we 'on<t 'o anything -%t sleep5 it<s worth it)G # %nlo*2 the 'oor an' lea' hi+ %p the stairs5 +o.ing -a*2war') E(e<ll -e 'oing a lot +ore than sleeping)G EOh yeah7 Ni2e what7G 0is .oi*e is 'eep an' 'ar2 an' 1%ll o1 pro+ise) E#t +ight in.ol.e +y +o%th5 an' *ertain parts o1 yo%r anato+y)G E# *o%l' get into that)G

E$o% *o%l' get into +e)G 0e 'oesn<t grin5 -%t his eyes are s+iling) EOh5 #<ll get into yo%) # thin2 #<ll -en' yo% o.er the *o%*h an' ta2e yo% 1ro+ -ehin')G E#s that so7G # as2) E#t is)G (e<re at +y 'oor) # twist the 2ey in the lo*2 an' p%ll hi+ a1ter +e into the 'ar2ene' apart+ent) # 'on<t ha.e ti+e to -other with lights) 0e<s got the 'oor lo*2e' again an' he<s t%gging +y shirt o.er +y hea'5 p%shing +y Aeans an' panties 'own5 an' then he<s

so+ehow na2e'5 li2e instantly5 an' then his +o%th is on +ine5 glorio%s an' so1t an' 'e+an'ing) 0is han's are e.erywhere5 on +y -reasts5 in +y hair5 stro2ing +y 1ol's5 *aressing +y ass5 -r%shing a th%+- a*ross +y *hee2 an' sweeping hair away 1ro+ +y +o%th) # gasp as his 1ingers pro-e into +y *ore an' *ir*le +y *lit5 noti*ing 'istantly as he rips a *on'o+ open with his teeth an' sli'es it on hi+sel1 one;han'e'5 spitting the wrapper onto the 1loor)

EOea'y7G he as2s5 his .oi*e a ro%gh 'e+an') ETa2e +e5G # whisper) E0owe.er yo% want)G #<+ sp%n in pla*e5 an' +y -reath *at*hes5 +y heart ha++ering) Oh6shit) 0e wasn<t 2i''ing) 0e<s +o.e' %s so #<+ 1a*ing the ar+ o1 +y *o%*h 1ro+ the si'e an' he<s p%shing +e 1orwar' gently) 0is han's sli'e o.er +y sho%l'ers an' twine o%r 1ingers5 showing +e how to -ra*e +y weight on the *%shion) 0is toes n%'ge +y 1eet

apart5 an' # *o+ply %ntil #<+ stan'ing with +y legs sprea' wi'e5 -ent o.er at the waist5 ass high) EOh go'6G # whi+per) E# ha.en<t 'one anything yet -a-y5G Colton growls) E# 2now5G # pant) E# was A%st saying yo%r na+e)G 0e la%ghs5 a low r%+-le in his *hest5 then sli'es one pal+ o.er +y spine5 %n'er +y ri-s an' *%ps one 1ree;hanging -reast in his h%ge han') 0e pin*hes +y nipple5 th%+-s it5 twea2s it5 rolls it5 an' #<+

-reathless alrea'y) Then his other han' sli'es 'own -etween +y thighs to stro2e +y 1ol's an' #<+ lost) # ar*h +y -a*2 an' li1t +y ass to gi.e hi+ -etter a**ess5 hang +y hea' as he swipes an' *ir*les +e into *li+a4) s # *o+e5 an initial sh%''er o1 e*stasy washing o.er +e5 # 1eel hi+ n%'ge +y entran*e with the hea' o1 his sha1t) # hol' +y -reath5 -iting +y lip5 an' then a se*on' wa.e rolli*2s o.er +e an' he 1eels it5 pl%nging in as the wa.e *rests) # *ry o%t as he 'ri.es

ho+e5 -%rying hi+sel1 to the hilt with a so1t5 satis1ie' gr%nt) EFo'5 Nell) $o%<re 1%*2ing in*re'i-le) /o -ea%ti1%l) # lo.e the way yo% li1t yo%r ass 1or +e) # lo.e the so%n's yo% +a2e when yo% *o+e 1or +e) # lo.e yo%r pale s2in an' straw-erry -lon' hair)G 0e stro2es into +e slowly5 sli'ing 'eep e.ery ti+e he says the wor' Elo.e)G # p%sh -a*2 into his thr%sts5 *rying o%t so1tly at ea*h in; thr%st5 whi+pering when he

'raws o%t) 0e *ontin%es this way5 slow an' gentle an' rhyth+i*) #t<s not how # want it5 an' he 2nows it) 0e wants +e to -eg 1or it) #<ll play his ga+e) # t%rn to loo2 at hi+ o.er +y sho%l'er5 +y hair *%rtaining to one si'e) E0ar'er5 Colton)G 0is eyes go hoo'e' an' he li1ts his *hin slightly5 *%rling %p his lip in a s+ir2) E$o% want it har'er7G E$eah5 -a-y5 # 'o)G E0ow har'7G EOeally har')G

E!eg +e to 1%*2 yo% har'er5 Nelly;-a-y)G # 'on<t re*ogniCe +ysel15 when #<+ li2e this5 lost in the +o+ent) # li2e this wo+an5 tho%gh5 this sha+eless Nell who -egs her +an to 1%*2 her) #t<s 1ar *ry 1ro+ the inno*ent si4teen year;ol' girl who shoo2 all o.er in a Oe' Ooo1 #nn as her 1irst -oy1rien' to%*he' her tentati.ely) # -ite +y lip5 A%st to +a2e hi+ *raCy5 p%ll 1orwar' as he 'raws -a*25 then sla+ +y ass onto hi+5 'ri.ing hi+ 'eep5 har') E"%*2 +e5 Colton) "%*2 +e har') "%*2

+e 'eep) /pan2 +e when yo% 1%*2 +e)G Fo'5 that was hot) # al+ost *o%l'n<t get the wor's o%t) !%t it<s what # want5 tr%ly an' +a'ly) 0i+5 all o1 hi+) # want hi+5 Colton5 as he is) Oo%gh an' raw an' pri+al5 gentle an' lo.ing an' *are1%l) # lo.e what he 'oes to +e5 how he +a2es +e *raCy5 +a2es +e want things # 'i'n<t 2now # *o%l' e.er want) Colton loses it) 0e grips +y hips in -oth han's5 wi'ens his stan*e5 an' 'raws -a*2 %ntil he<s al+ost o%t o1 +e) # s%*2 in a

'eep -reath5 anti*ipating the 1lesh;tre+-ling 'ri.e o1 his hips) #nstea'5 he sin2s in as slowly as he *an5 +ore so1tly than # tho%ght possi-le5 a *aress o1 his aro%sal within +e) tease) n' then5 -e*a%se #<+ not rea'y 1or it5 he sla+s into +e) # *ry o%t5 1a*e *ontorting in pleas%re) 0e p%lls o%t slowly5 sli'es in slowly5 two an' then three +ore ti+es5 gentle as a whisper) n' then5 when # open +y +o%th to spea25 he *rashes har'5 so har'5 an' +y wor's5 +y

-reath lea.es +e in a r%sh) # *an<t e.en *at*h +y -reath5 then5 -e*a%se he<s 'one toying with +e) 0e<s 'ri.ing into +e5 'rilling +e with sa.age power) ?y entire -o'y is Aarre' 1orwar' with ea*h thr%st5 an' -ro2en whi+pers release 1ro+ +e at ea*h one) The whi+pers t%rn into yes<s5 an' those t%rn into his na+e5 *hante' in the -r%tal rhyth+ o1 his hips) 0e Aer2s +e -a*2 into hi+5 p%shes +e away5 an' # -arely register the 1irst orgas+5 so lost a+ # in the pleas%re o1 the

pain5 the 'eli*io%s sla+ o1 his -o'y into +ine5 the way he 1ills +e with ea*h thr%st5 the way he see+s to stret*h +e) n' then he *o+es5 growling an' roaring5 sla++ing into +e5 'ri.ing 'eep in the har'est thr%st yet5 al+ost too har'5 -%t not) #t *an ne.er -e too har') n' then6oh go'5 oh shit5 ohmigod5 he<s -a*2 to the ten'er sli'ing5 -ent o.er +e5 2issing +y spine5 pal+ing +y ass5 'ipping into +e in shallow thr%sts

that hit +e in A%st the right pla*e to +a2e +e *o+pletely *o+e %n'one) # -%ry +y 1a*e in the ro%gh 1i-ers o1 the *o%*h an' s*rea+ as # shatter5 a +illion Aagge' -olts o1 lightning -lasting thro%gh e.ery *ell o1 +y -o'y) 0e s+a*2s +y le1t ass;*hee2 as # s*rea+5 an' the orgas+ r%pt%res into a higher pea25 an' #<+ ro*2e' 1orwar' with a slow -%t power1%l thr%st into that per1e*t spot5 ti+e' with the span2 o1 his pal+) 0e p%lls -a*25

slaps +y right *hee2 in ti+e with another *resting wa.e an' shallow thr%st5 an' #<+ so--ing with the intensity5 'ri.ing -a*2 into hi+5 *ollapsing 1orwar' an' ro*2ing -a*2 in %n*ontrolle' spas+s) Pol*ani* heat an' ele*tri*ity shre' +y -o'y5 earth@%a2e sh%''ers wra*2ing +e5 all *entere' on +y *ore5 low in +y -elly5 'eep insi'e +e) 0e stro2es slowly then5 +il2ing +y *li+a4 %ntil he<s so1t within +e an' #<+ a li+p p%''le o1 sate'

wo+an) 0e p%lls o%t o1 +e5 li1ts +e in his power1%l ar+s an' *arries +e to +y -e') 0e<s gone -rie1ly an' then -a*25 *ra'ling +e against hi+) E# *an<t -elie.e yo% li2e it ro%gh li2e that5G he says) E(hy not7G # as25 tra*ing patterns on his s2in5 'ri1ting +y to%*h 'ownwar' to ta2e hi+ in +y han'5 stro2ing hi+) E$o% A%st see+ so inno*ent an' 'eli*ate)G E$o% 2now #<+ not either o1 those things5 Colton)G

E$eah # 2now that5 -%t it<s how yo% see+)G 0e toys with +y nipple5 *ir*ling it with the pa' o1 his in'e4 1inger) EOne +in%te yo%<re all *lassy an' 2in' o1 aloo1 an' -ea%ti1%l an' e.erything5 an' then yo% see+ to A%st6let go an' so+ething wil' *o+es o%t o1 yo%) $o% t%rn into this6G E/ha+eless sl%t;-east7G # s%ggest) 0e snorts5 -%t his 1inger t%rns +y *hin %p so #<+ loo2ing at hi+) E"%nny5 -%t no) $o%<re anything

-%t that5 Nell) Ne.er thin2 a-o%t yo%rsel1 li2e that)G E# 'on<t5 # was Ao2ing)G /ort o15 -%t # won<t a'+it to the 'eeper tr%th) 0e sees it anyway5 'a+n hi+) ENell)G 0is -l%e eyes sear +e) # ha.e to loo2 away) E# A%st6it<s the sa+e ol' thing5 Colton) Part o1 +e *an<t get o.er the i'ea that this is wrong) $o%<re his ol'er -rother) # 2now5 # 2now) 0e<s gone an' # ha.e to get o.er it) (eJ this5 with yo% an' #Jit<s not wrong) #t<s not) !%t the st%pi' g%ilt is always there)G

0e 'oesn<t answer right away) E# %n'erstan'5 Nell) # 'o) &%st6tal2 to +e a-o%t that shit5 o2ay7 Don<t lo*2 it away or p%sh it 'own) #<ll %n'erstan')G # no' against his *hest5 then s+ile as # 1eel hi+ -egin to grow har' in +y han') # sli'e +y 1ingers aro%n' hi+ %ntil he<s 1l%ttering his hips into +y to%*h5 then sli'e astri'e hi+) 0e<s insi'e +e5 slipping in easily5 per1e*tly) #<+ sitting %p on hi+5 li1ting with +y thighs an' sin2ing 'own) # too2 hi+ -y s%rprise5 an' that +a2es +e

gi''y) 0e<s 1roCen 1or a 1ew stro2es5 an' then he ta2es +e -y the waist an' +o.es with +e) Then he 1reeCes again) E(e nee'6we gotta p%t one on5 -a-y)G 0is gaCe is strangely intense) EThe last thing we nee' right now is a pregnan*y)G # 'on<t slow in +y rise an' 1all) E(e<re goo'5 honey) #<+ on -irth *ontrol)G E/in*e when7G # 1rown) E/in*e6always) # ne.er stoppe' ta2ing it a1ter6what happene')G #t<s an aw2war'

+o+ent) # -en' o.er hi+ an' 2iss hi+) EThe point is5 we<re 1ine) # want it li2e this5 nothing -etween %s)G 0e *ra'les +y 1a*e in his pal+s an' 'e.o%rs +y +o%th) EThan2 go') #<.e wante' to 1eel yo% -are li2e this so -a')G E?e too)G n' then there<s no +ore spa*e 1or wor's -etween o%r gasps an' 2isses an' groans) (e +o.e together 1or an eternity in per1e*t syn*5 ea*h +otion5 ea*h -reath +ate' to the other<s5 %ntil we 'issol.e together5 *o+ing

%n'one together) (hen we<re tangle' -reathless an' -as2ing in the a1terglow5 # press +y lips to his ear) E# lo.e yo%5 Colton)G EDon<t yo% 1orget it5 -a-y)G # snort an' glare at hi+) 0e 2isses +e so1tly) E:i''ing5 Nell) # lo.e yo%) /o +%*h)G Chapter 13: !l%e Cross 0ight /eeks 7ater No) No) 'ell no) This isn<t happening) #t isn<t) #t *an<t -e) Not now) ?y right han' is 1lat o.er +y +o%th5 an' it<s all that<s hol'ing

in +y pani*) #<+ sitting on the e'ge o1 the t%- in +y -athroo+5 na2e' -%t 1or a -a-y;'oll T;shirt) :nees presse' together5 1eet -o%n*ing) 0ea' sha2ing si'e to si'e5 eyes wi'e an' haCy an' shi++ering an' stinging) # loo2 'own at +y le1t han') #<+ hol'ing a white plasti* sti*2 -etween th%+- an' 1ore1inger) tiny s@%are win'ow in the plasti* shows two -l%e lines in a *ross) # 'on<t e.en -other pa*2ing a -ag) # -oo2 the 1irst 1light -a*2 to Detroit5 whi*h lea.es in three

ho%rs) Not eno%gh ti+e5 -%t it<ll ha.e to -e) On the way o%t5 # tape +y only e4planation to Colt on the 1ront o1 +y 'oor: a note *ontaining three wor's5 an' the test) s # ri'e the ta4i to the airport5 his wor's e*ho in +y hea'5 o.er an' o.er: The last thing ( want right now is a pregnancy. #<+ -a*2 to where # starte'5 e+otionally: lo*2e' %p tight5 re1%sing to *ry) (anting to 1in' so+e way to h%rt5 so # 'on<t ha.e to 1eel the 1ear an' the pani* an'

the 2nowle'ge that this is the last thing he wante') !y the ti+e # rea*h DT(5 +y lip is swollen 1ro+ -iting on it so har') # nearly let o%t a so- when # re+e+-er how -iting +y lip 'ro.e hi+ *raCy) Part Three Colton Chapter 14: The Mn-orn /ong Two -ays 7ater #<+ nearly ra-i' with worry -y the ti+e #<+ a-le to lea.e the shop an' *at*h a *a- to Nell<s Tri-e*a apart+ent) #t<s -een two

'ays an' # ha.en<t hear' shit 1ro+ her) No *alls5 no te4ts) /he was s%ppose' to *o+e o.er a1ter her Theory *lass5 -%t she ne.er showe') Phone goes straight to .oi*e+ail) Te4t 'on<t get 'eli.ere') 0er -oss at the little 'i.e -ar where she wor2s a *o%ple nights a wee2 says she ne.er showe' %p 1or her shi1t) # *onta*te' her on "! ?essenger5 no answer) "inally5 # lea.e 0e*tor to lo*2 %p the shop5 -e*a%se # A%st *an<t ta2e it any+ore)

# toss a -ill o.er the seat o1 the *a- an' 'on<t wait 1or *hange) # ha.e to ta2e a 1ew 'eep -reaths -e1ore #<+ *al+ eno%gh to %nlo*2 her 'oor with the 2ey she ga.e +e) (e A%st e4*hange' 2eys last wee29 # tho%ght things were great) Mp the stairs three at a ti+e5 nearly 2no*2ing o.er a little ol' la'y in the pro*ess) There<s a pie*e o1 paper 1ol'e' in hal1 an' tape' to the 'oor) /hit5 no) "%*2 no) (hat is this7 # rip the note o11 the 'oor5 an'

it<s o''ly hea.y 1or a pie*e o1 paper) There<s a plasti* -aggy insi'e the paper5 an' insi'e the -ag is a pregnan*y test) Oh hell no) Oh hell yes) Positi.e) n' no Nell) # sear*h her tiny apart+ent +ore than on*e5 as i1 it<' re.eal her hi'ing in a *%p-oar' or so+ething) &%st the test in the st%pi' -aggie5 an' three s*rawle' wor's: (m so sorry. /he 1%*2ing ran) #<+ angry5 #<+ pani*2e') #<+ so +any things it<s

all a A%+-le in +y heart an' hea'5 an' # *an<t thin2 straight) #<+ on a plane s%''enly5 with no +e+ory o1 ha.ing gone to the airport or -%ying a ti*2et or anything) #<+ in a -a'5 -a' pla*e) ?e+ories are s%r1a*ing5 things #<.e ne.er tol' anyone5 e.er5 not e.en Nell5 an' #<.e tol' Nell pretty +%*h e.ery sor'i' 'etail o1 +y 1%*2e' %p li1e6e4*ept that) *o%ple long5 -roo'ing ho%rs later5 the plane has lan'e' an' #<+ in a rental *arJ# 'on<t e.en 2now what 2in'Jan' 1lying 1ar

too 1ast north on #;75) #<.e sh%t 'own) #<+ a -lan25 e+pty) No tho%ghts) Tho%ghts are 'angero%s) # *an<t 1eel) ll # *an 'o is a*t5 +o.e5 -e) # ha.e to 1in' her) "%*2ing have to) ?iles 1lash5 stoplights *hange too soon an' slow +e 'own) # -arrel thro%gh +ore than one re' light5 earning -laring horns an' 1lashing +i''le 1ingers) Then #<+ approa*hing +y parents< ho%se an' it<s '%s25 -%t # 2now she<s not there5 why wo%l' she -e7 # s2i' to a stop in the +i''le o1 the

roa' in 1ront o1 Nell<s parents< ho%se) # lea.e the *ar 'oor open5 lea.e the engine r%nning) Mnreasoning pani* 'ri.es +e5 pani* so 'eep # 'on<t %n'erstan' it5 -%t # *an<t stop it) # *an only +o.e with it5 let it ha.e reign o.er +e) # -%rst thro%gh the 0awthornes< 1ront 'oor5 sla++ing it open .iolently) # hear a glass shatter an' wo+an s*rea+) EColtH (hat the hellJwhat are yo% 'oing here7G Oa*hel 0awthorne has her -a*2 to the

sin2 an' has a han' presse' to her *hest5 *on1%sion an' 1right in her eyes) E(here is she7G E(ho7 (hatJwhat are yo% 'oing here7G E(here6is6!ell7G ?y .oi*e is low an' 'ea'ly) /he hears the threat in +y .oi*e an' pales5 -egins to sha2e an' -a*2 away) EColt6# 'on<t 2now what yo%<reJshe<s o%t r%nning) /he went 1or a r%n)G E(here 'oes she go when she r%ns7G # 'e+an') E(hy 'o yo% want to 2now7 re yo% two6G

E(here 'oes she go5 Oa*hel7G #<+ stan'ing in*hes 1ro+ her5 towering o.er her5 glaring) # sho%l' -a*2 'own5 -%t # *an<t) Oa*hel is tre+-ling5 white as a sheet) E/he<sJthe ol' *o%nty line roa') North) #t goes in a -ig ar* an' sheJshe *%ts a*ross "arrell<s 1iel' -a*2 this way)G #<+ o%t the 'oor an' r%nning5 1%ll;on sprinting) Terror *laws at +e5 an' # *an<t 1atho+ it5 *an<t get o%t o1 its grip) #t<s ho%n'ing +e5 p%shing +e) /he<s pregnant an'

she ran 1ro+ +e rather than tal2ing a-o%t it5 -%t that<s not eno%gh 1or the 2in' o1 rea*tion that<s 'ri.en +e sin*e this +orning) #t<s *o+ing 1ro+ way 'eep insi'e +e5 a 2in' o1 psy*hologi*al 1ore2nowle'ge that so+ething is horri-ly5 horri-ly wrong an' # ha.e to 1in' her) ?y 1eet sto+p in the 'irt5 p%shing +ile a1ter -ehin' +e) Dar2 now) /tars o%t5 +oon low an' ro%n') ?y -loo' is on 1ire5 +y heart po%n's an' +y hea' thro-s an'

+y han's are *len*he' into 1ists) #<+ sha2ing5 #<.e -een 1lat;o%t r%nning 1or at least two +iles an' #<+ not in that 2in' o1 shape5 -%t # *an<t stop) Can<t) Not won<t6 Can<t) nother +ile5 an' # 2now #<.e slowe'5 -%t #<+ p%shing +ysel15 -e*a%se # ha.e to 1in' her) "arrell<s property5 a wi'e e4panse o1 high grass an' ol' 1allow 1iel's an' lines o1 trees s%-'i.i'ing properties) #1 she 1ell in the grass o%t here5 # *o%l' pass right -y her an' ne.er 2now it)

!%t there she is) &es%s5 than2 yo%) /he<s A%st sitting5 h%n*he' o.er5 1a*e in her han's) /he<s so--ing) 3.en when she tol' +e e.erything an' *%t loose with years worth o1 pent;%p grie1 she 'i'n<t weep li2e this) #t<s6go'5 it<s the single +ost aw1%l so%n' #<.e e.er hear') (orse e.en than the wet thunk o1 the -%llet into #n'ia<s hea') Nell has -een a-sol%tely -ro2en5 an' # 'on<t 2now -y what) # *ro%*h -esi'e her5 to%*h her sho%l'er) /he 'oesn<t e.en

respon'5 'oesn<t loo2 at +e) # s*oop her in +y ar+s5 an' so+ething hot an' wet *oats +y ar+s) The gro%n' where she was sitting is wet5 -la*2 in the 'i+ light) h%ge swath o1 grass is -la*2ene' with 'ar2 li@%i') !loo') ;uck. ENell7 !a-y7G EDon<t call +e thatHG s%''en5 .i*io%s s*rea+) /he wren*hes o%t o1 +y grip an' 1alls to the grass5 *rawls away5 hea.ing so har' she<s *lose to .o+iting) E#t<s gone6it<s gone5 it 'ie'6G

n' # 2now what happene' -%t # *an<t e.en thin2 the wor') # s*oop her %p again5 1eel hot sti*2y wet 1lowing 1ro+ her) /he<s still -lee'ing) ENell5 lo.e5 #<+ here)G ENo5 no6yo% 'on<t %n'erstan') $o% 'on<tJ'on<t get it) # lost it) The -a-y6# lost the -a-y)G E# 2now5 sweetheart) # 2now) #<.e got yo%5 #<+ here)G # *an<t 2eep +y .oi*e 1ro+ *ra*2ing) #<+ as shattere' as she is5 -%t # *an<t let on) /he hears anyway) /he 1inally see+s to realiCe it<s +e) /he<s

li+p in +y ar+s5 twists her hea' to loo2 at +e) 0er 1a*e is strea2e' with re' an' sweat5 hair tangle' an' plastere' to her 1orehea') EColton7 Oh go'6god) $o% weren<t s%ppose' to 1ollow +e)G nger -illows o%t o1 +e) E(hat the fuck5 Nell7 (hy<' yo% r%n7 # lo.e yo%) $o% thin2 # wo%l'n<t Jwo%l'n<t6shit6what 'i' yo% thin2 #<' say7G /he po%n's +y sho%l'er with a wea2 1ist) E#t<s what yo% did say) -a-y is the last thing yo% wante') n' that<s what # was going to ha.e) -a-y) 1%*2ing

-a-y)G ENo5 Nell) No) That<s not what # sai') # sai' a pregnancy is the last thing we need) # 'i' not say a -a-y is the last thing # wante') n' regar'less5 r%nning was6so wrong) $o%<re +ine) The -a-y wo%l'Jwo%l' ha.e -een mine) #<' ta2e *are o1 yo%) #<ll always ta2e *are o1 yo%)G #<+ *rying) Ni2e a 1%*2ing girl5 #<+ A%st openly *rying as # *arry Nell a*ross the 1iel'5 st%+-ling o.er roots an' -ran*hes an' hillo*2s) E#<+ here6#<+

here)G /he<s too @%iet) Noo2ing %p at +e5 hal1;li''e'5 wea2 eyes) Mn1o*%se') /hi++ering wet in the +oonlight) !lee'ing onto +e) E#<+ sorry) #<+ sorry) # was A%st so s*are') #<+ s*are'5 Colt)G #t<s the 1irst ti+e she<s e.er *alle' +e Colt) E# 2now5 Nelly; -a-y) #<.e got yo%) $o%<ll -e o2ay)G ENo6no) #t<s not o2ay) # lost the baby5 Colton)G 0er .oi*e hit*hes5 -rea2s) E# 2now6G so 'oes +ine) E# 2now)G

E# 'i'n<t want a -a-y) # 'i'n<t want to -e a +other) #<+ too yo%ng) #t was too soon) # -egge' to not -e pregnant all the way here) !%t J-%t # 'i'n<t +ean this) # swear) # 'i'n<t want this) #<+ sorry6 Not this way)G /he<s -arely a%'i-le5 ra+-ling) /he<s lost a lot o1 -loo') #<+ *o.ere' 1ro+ the *hest 'own) ?y ar+s are tre+-ling5 +y legs are Aelly) # ran so 1ar5 so 1ast5 an' #<+ operating on a'renaline right now5 p%re 'eter+ination) #<+

hal1r%nning with her5 st%+-ling in the 'ar2ness) Then the yellow glow o1 the 0awthorne<s -a*2yar' appears an' #<+ 1%+-ling at the sli'ing 'oor with -loo'y 1ingers) Oa*hel 0awthorne is 1ranti*5 -egging5 'e+an'ing to 2now what happene') &i+ 0awthorne is on the phone) EColt5 what happene'7G Oa*hel<s .oi*e 1ro+ 1ar away) # won<t let go o1 her5 *an<t) /he<s %n*ons*io%s) /till -lee'ing on +e)

han' sha2es +y sho%l'er5 -rings +e to reality) EColton5 what happened7 (hy is she -lee'ing7G &i+5 harsh an' 'e+an'ing an' angry) E?is*arriageJG #t<s all # *an +anage) E?isJshe was pregnant7 (ith yo%r -a-y7G 0e<s e.en angrier now) E# 'i'n<t6'i'n<t 2now) /he 'i'n<t tell +e) /he ran) Ca+e here6G # loo2 'own at her lo.ely5 sla*2 1a*e) EPlease5 Nell) (a2e %p) (a2e %p)G

/he 'oesn<t wa2e %p) 0er hea' lolls to one si'e5 her han' 1alls 1ree an' swings) /he<s -arely -reathing6or not at all) !l%e;glo.e' han's ta2e her 1ro+ +e5 gently -%t 1ir+ly) # try to 1ight the+5 -%t other han's p%ll +e away) Oo%gher5 har'er han's5 too +any han's 2eeping +e 1ro+ her) # t%rn) Da') &i+5 ?o+5 Oa*hel) ll p%lling +e away) $elling at +e5 -%t there<s no so%n') &%st a roaring in +y ears) %ni1or+e' -o'y steps into .iew5 a yo%ng g%y

1ro+ 3?/) 0is eyes are -rown an' har'5 -%t *o+passionate) /o%n' ret%rns) E6Fonna -e o2ay5 Colton) /he<s lost a lot o1 -loo'5 -%t yo% got her help in ti+e) # nee' yo% *al+ or #<ll ha.e to ha.e yo% 'etaine' an' yo% won<t 'o Nell any goo' li2e that)G #<+ panting) # +eet his eyes) 0ope swells in +y *hest) E/he<s not 'ea'7 /he<ll -e o2ay7G E/he<s ali.e5 yes) Mn*ons*io%s5 -%t ali.e)G E/o +%*h -loo'6G # st%+-le -a*2war'5 1all to +y ass on a

*o%*h5 hit the e'ge an' t%+-le to the 1loor as i1 'r%n2) E/he<s he+orrhaging pretty -a'5 -%t the 'o*tors will -e a-le to stop it5 #<+ s%re)G # 'on<t hear anything else) #<+ -a*2 in ti+e5 -a*2 in a hospital in 0arle+ an' a 'o*tor is e4plaining so+ething to +e5 -%t # 'on<t hear hi+ either5 sin*e # t%ne' o%t a1ter the wor's lost the baby) #<+ -a*2 on the *ol' tile o1 the hospital waiting roo+5 so--ing) #n'ia6'ea') /he ne.er tol' +e) Or she 'i'n<t 2now she was

pregnant) 3ither way5 she<s gone5 an' so is the -a-y # ne.er e.en 2new a-o%t) 0an's +o.e +e5 p%sh +e5 p%ll +e) Peel +y sopping shirt o115 wipe +y torso with a hot5 'a+p towel) # let the+) #<+ in so +any pla*es) Torn5 +i4e'5 shre''e'5 -ro2en) nother -a-y # ne.er got to 2now or hol'5 gone) # wo%l' ha.e -een there) !%t # ne.er go the *han*e) No one as2s +e what # want) &%st ass%+es -e*a%se #<+ a th%g who *an<t rea' that # wo%l'n<t

want a -a-y) Not 1air5 tho%gh) #n'ia 'i'n<t get a *han*e either) ?ay-e she wo%l' ha.e tol' +e) Net +e -e a 1ather) (e tal2e' a-o%t 2i's5 #n'ia an' #) /he wante' the+) # 2ept @%iet an' let her tal25 'i'n<t tell her what # tho%ght) Di'n<t tell her # wo%l' ha.e lo.e' the *hil' an' let hi+ -e whoe.er he wante' to -e5 e.en i1 he *o%l'n<t rea') #t<s all # wante'5 all +y li1e5 an' ne.er got) n' now it<s -een ta2en 1ro+ +e again)

/%''en rage -%rns thro%gh +e5 white hot5 -lasting an' -eyon' power1%l) #t<s not 1%*2ing fair) #<+ not +e5 s%''enly) #<+ an o-ser.er wat*hing as so+eone who loo2s li2e +e hea.es to his 1eet5 pi*2s %p the nearest o-Ae*tJa hea.y5 thi*2ly;pa''e' leather ar+*hairJan' hea.es it thro%gh the sli'ing 'oor) Flass shatters5 s*atters5 the 1ra+e *ra*2s) "a+iliar yet 1oreign han's to%*h +y sho%l'er) E#t<s going to -e o2ay5 Colton)G ?y 1ather<s .oi*e5

+%r+%ring low in +y ear) E&%st *al+ 'own)G !%t he 'oesn<t 2now) 0e 'oesn<t 2now +e) 0e 'oesn<t 2now Aa*2; shit a-o%t +y li1e or anything # went thro%gh) # sho.e hi+ away an' stal2 o%t the 1ront 'oor) ?y rental has -een +o.e'5 an' # *li+-ehin' the wheel) &i+ 0awthorne sli'es in ne4t to +e) E/%re yo% sho%l' -e 'ri.ing5 son7G 0is .oi*e is *are1%lly ne%tral) E#<+ 1ine) n' #<+ not yo%r 1%*2ing son)G #<+ not 1ine5 -%t it 'oesn<t +atter)

# 1or*e +ysel1 to 'ri.e hal1way nor+ally to the hospital) !e1ore # *an get o%t o1 the *ar5 tho%gh5 &i+ p%ts his han' on +y 1orear+) E(ait a se*5 Colt)G # 2now what this is a-o%t) ENot the ti+e5 &i+)G E#t is the ti+e)G 0is 1ingers tighten on +y ar+5 an' #<+ *lose to ripping his han' o115 -%t 'on<t) 0e<s not a1rai' o1 +e5 -%t he sho%l' -e) E/he<s +y 'a%ghter) ?y only *hil')G # hang +y hea'5 'rawing 'eep on +y tappe';o%t reser.es o1 *al+) E# lo.e her5 &i+) # swear to yo%

on +y 1%*2ing so%l5 # 'i'n<t 2now) # wo%l'n<t ha.e let her go anywhere alone i1 #<' 2nown) /he6she ran) /he was s*are')G E0ow *o%l' yo% p%t her in that position a1ter what she went thro%gh7G 0e<s h%rt too5 s*are' an' angry) # get it) E(e were getting thro%gh it) Together) Things -etween %s A%st happene'5 an' #<+ not gonna 1%*2ing e4plain shit to yo% right now5 or e.er) /he<s an a'%lt5 she +a'e her *hoi*e) (e<re goo' 1or

ea*h other)G # 1or*e +y eyes to his5 an' 'a+n it i1 his eyes 'on<t loo2 so +%*h li2e hers it h%rts) E#<ll ta2e *are o1 her) Now an' always)G 0e 'oesn<t answer5 A%st sits an' stares at +e5 eyes -oring into +e) # see the 1ather in hi+5 -%t # also see the shrew' -%siness+an5 the pier*ing5 sear*hing eyes o1 a +an %se' to A%'ging *hara*ter @%i*2ly an' a**%rately) E/he +ay -e an a'%lt5 -%t she<s still +y -a-y) ?y little girl)G 0is .oi*e goes 'eep an' low an' threatening) E$o% -etter ta2e

*are o1 her) /he<s -een thro%gh eno%gh) Now this7 $o% go''a+n -etter ta2e *are o1 her) Or # swear to go' #<ll 2ill yo%)G #t<s a threat he 'i'n<t nee'5 -%t # %n'erstan' hi+) # +eet hi+ stare 1or stare5 let hi+ see a -it o1 the 'ar2er si'e o1 +e) The th%g who learne' early on ne.er to -a*2 'own5 e.er5 1or anyone) 0e no's5 a1ter a long ti+e) # get o%t an' enter the hospital5 as2 the 'es2 n%rse 1or her roo+ n%+-er) One;1o%r;one) The #CM) ?y -oots s@%ea2 on the tile) ntisepti* tang stings +y

nostrils) .ag%ely 1e+ale; so%n'ing .oi*e s@%aw2s in'istin*tly on the P ) yo%ng -r%nette in +aroon s*r%-s h%stles past +e5 ta-let *o+p%ter in her han's) Then #<+ *o%nting roo+s5 one; three;se.en5 one;three;nine6 one;1o%r;one) The *%rtain is 'rawn) +onitor -eeps stea'ily) # pa%se at the split in the *%rtain5 +y han' on the 1a-ri*5 sha2ing) n ol'er5 sti*2;thin wo+an with pale -lon' hair p%lle' %p in a se.ere -%n appears ne4t to +e)

E/he<s asleep right now) They ran a 1ew tests5 an' they<re going to 'o +ore later)G E/he still -lee'ing7G E/he<s not he+orrhaging any+ore5 -%t yes5 she<s still -lee'ing)G /he loo2s %p at +e5 tapping the *hart against her pal+) E$o%<re the 1ather7G # nearly *ho2e at the ter+) E#<+ her -oy1rien'5 yes)G ?y .oi*e is low5 nearly a whisper) /he realiCes her ga11e) E#J#<+ sorry) That was insensiti.e o1 +e)G /he p%shes past +e) E$o% *an

go in with her5 -%t let her sleep)G Fo'5 she<s white as snow) /o 1rail loo2ing5 li2e this) T%-es in her nose5 nee'les in her wrist) # sit) n' sit) n' sit) # 'on<t tal2 to her -e*a%se # 'on<t 2now what to say) They *o+e an' wheel her -e' away while she<s still asleep) Mn*ons*io%s5 not asleep) Don<t nee' any e%phe+is+s) (ill she wa2e %p7 They won<t say5 whi*h tells +e +ay-e not) # en' %p in the *hapel5 not to pray5 -%t to 1eel the silen*e5 to -e away 1ro+ the s+ell o1 the

hospital5 the sten*h o1 si*2ness an' 'eath5 the so%n's o1 the snea2ers on tile an' e*hoing .oi*es an' -eeping +onitors) way 1ro+ the 1a*es li2e +ine5 serio%s5 sa'5 *on*erne'5 a1rai') The staine' glass glea+s p%rple an' re' an' -l%e an' yellow5 'epi*ting so+ething # 'on<t *are to 2now a-o%t) The *ross is h%ge an' e+pty an' +%';-rown woo'5 +a*hine;toole') ?y 'a' 1in's +e in the *hapel5 an' he has +y 1irst g%itar in his han') !attere'5 s*rat*he' *ase5

nona+e -ran'5 tan woo' an' steel strings5 le1t -ehin' along with all +y other shit) # 'on<t 2now why he -ro%ght the g%itar5 -%t #<+ grate1%l) (e<re alone in the *hapel) 0e 'oesn<t loo2 at +e when he spea2s) E# owe yo% a li1eti+e o1 apologies5 Colt) $o%<re a goo' +an)G E$o% 'on<t 2now +e5 Da') $o% ne.er ha.e) $o% 'on<t 2now the shit # 'one)G E# 2now) !%t yo%<re here5 an' yo% *learly lo.e her) $o%<.e

+a'e it on yo%r own5 witho%t any help 1ro+ %s) (e sho%l'<.e -een there 1or yo%5 -%t we weren<t) /o6#<+ sorry)G # 2now how +%*h it too2 1or hi+ to say that5 -%t it<s nowhere near eno%gh) #t<s a start5 tho%gh) EThan2s5 Da') # wish yo%<' sai' that to +e a long ti+e ago5 -%t than2s)G E# 2now it 'oesn<t +a2e %p 1or how we treate' yo% growing %p5 1or letting yo% go o11 on yo%r own li2e we 'i') $o% were too yo%ng5 -%t # A%stJ# wasJG

E"o*%se' on yo%r *areer5 an' yo%r gol'en *hil')G # s*r%- +y hair with +y pal+) E# get it) # 'on<t want to tal2 a-o%t this shit) #t<s o.er an' 'one an' ol' news) #<+ here 1or Nell5 not to +en' 1en*es -ro2en 'e*a'es ago)G # *li*2 open the *ase an' li1t the g%itar o%t) #t<s hi'eo%sly o%t o1 t%ne) # 1lip open the little *%--y in the *ase where the ne*2 sits5 p%ll o%t a pa*2et o1 strings) # -%sy +ysel1 restringing the g%itar5 t%ning it) Da' A%st wat*hes5 lost in

tho%ghts5 or +e+ories5 or regrets) # honestly 'on<t gi.e a 1%*2 whi*h) 0e lea.es5 e.ent%ally5 witho%t a wor') Then # start playing) The +%si* A%st *o+es o%t %n-i''en5 li2e a ri.er) #<+ h%n*he' o.er +y g%itar5 siting on a har' pew in the +i''le o1 the *hapel5 staring at +y s*%11e'5 oil;staine' Ti+-erlan' -oots) #<+ singing %n'er +y -reath5 an' #<+ lost in the songwriting haCe5 where the +%si* is a 1loo' ta2ing

+e o.er5 searing the wor's an' the +elo'y into +e) E?r) Calloway7G ti+i' 1e+ale .oi*e *o+es 1ro+ the 'oor o1 the *hapel) # t%rn +y hea' slightly to a*2nowle'ge her) E?s) 0awthorne is awa2e) /he<s as2ing 1or yo%)G # no'5 pa*2 %p +y g%itar an' *arry it as # 1ollow the n%rse -a*2 to the roo+) /he<s -iting her lip when # wal2 in5 s*rat*hing at her *%t;s*ars with a 1ore1inger) # p%ll the har' plasti* .isitor<s *hair ne4t to the -e' an' ta2e her 1ingers in +y h%ge paw) :iss her pal+5 ea*h

2n%*2le) Try not to *ry li2e a 1%*2ing girl again) /he loo2s at +e an' her eyes are re';ri++e'5 gray;green5 so -ea%ti1%l an' so -ro2en) EColtJ Colton) #JG # to%*h her lips) E/shh) # lo.e yo%) lways)G /he still sees thro%gh +e) E$o%<re not o2ay either5 are yo%7G # sha2e +y hea') ENo5 not really)G # see the @%estion in her eyes5 so # sigh an' tell her the story) E# tol' yo% a-o%t #n'ia5 how she 'ie')G

E$eah7G /he<s hesitant5 as i1 she *an g%ess where this is going) E# was at the hospital5 -e*a%se so+e o1 +y -oys were h%rt in the whole +ess an' # ha' to see to the+) ?a2e s%re e.eryone was o2ay) /o+ehow one o1 the n%rses 2new +e5 2new # was with #n'ia) # thin2 she li.e' in the sa+e -%il'ing as #n'ia or so+ething)G # ha.e to -reathe 'eeply to 2eep +y .oi*e stea'y5 e.en a1ter all these years) E/he tol' +e6go'Jshit) /heJ she tol' +e #n'ia was pregnant

when she 'ie') # 'i'n<t e.en 2now) # 'on<t 2now i1 #n'ia 2new) /he wasn<t 1ar5 A%st li2e si4 wee2s or so+ething) !%t6yeah) Pregnant) # ne.er e.en got to6she ne.er got the *han*e to tell +e)G EOh go'5 Colton) #<+ so sorry) #<+Joh +y go'5 Colton)G E$eah)G # *an<t loo2 at her5 *an only stare intently at +y grease; staine' 1ingernails) E# %n'erstan' why yo% ran5 Nell) # 'o) &%stJ A%st pro+ise yo% won<t r%n 1ro+ +e e.er again) $o% ha.e to 1%*2ing pro+ise +e) 3spe*ially 1or shit

li2e that) # 2now #<+J# 2now #<+ A%st an illiterate grease+on2ey5 -%t # *an ta2e *are o1 yo%) # *an lo.e yo% an' i1 yo%Ji1 weJi16#<' ta2e *are o1 yo%5 no +atter what)G /he so-s) EOh go'5 Colton) That<s not why # ran) $o%<re so +%*h +ore than an illiterate grease+on2ey5 Colton) $o%<re not a th%g) $o%<re not any o1 the things yo% thin2 yo% are) $o%<re so +%*h +ore) # was s*are') # pani*2e')G /he tries to -reathe thro%gh the tears) E# sho%l'n<t

ha.e) #<+ so sorry) #t<s +y 1a%lt5 Colton) # sho%l'n<t ha.e le1t5 # sho%l'n<t ha.e -een r%nning5 # sho%l' ha.e JG # s@%eeCe her han' har') ENo5 Nell) !o) Don<t yo% fucking 'are) This isn<t yo%r 1a%lt)G 'o*tor *o+es in at that +o+ent) E# *o%l'n<t help o.erhearing5G he says) 0e<s +i''le age'5 #n'ian5 e4%'ing pra*ti*e' *o+passion an' e11i*ien*y) E#t is not yo%r 1a%lt in any 2in' o1 way5 Nell) /%*h things so+eti+es happen

an' we ha.e no way o1 2nowing the why5 no way o1 pre.enting it)G 0is gaCe an' his .oi*e go intensely serio%s) E$o% +%st not 1all .i*ti+ to -la+ing yo%rsel1) The 1a*t that yo% were r%nning at the ti+e 'i' not *a%se the +is*arriage) Nothing yo% 'i' 'o or 'i' not 'o *a%se' it) #t si+ply happene' an' it is no one<s 1a%lt)G /he no's at hi+5 -%t # *an tell she<s going to -la+e hersel1 anyway) The 'o*tor tells her to rest an'

that they<re hol'ing her o.ernight 1or o-ser.ation) (hen he<s gone # stan' %p an' lean o.er her an' 2iss her as gently as # *an) EPlease 'on<t ta2e this on yo%rsel15 Nelly;-a-y) $o% hear' the 'o*tor) #t A%st happene')G E# 2now) # 2now) #<+ trying)G /he glan*es at +y g%itar *ase) EPlay so+ething 1or +e5 please)G E(hat 'o yo% want to hear7 /o+ething happy7G # ta2e the g%itar o%t an' settle it on +y 2nee) /he sha2es her hea') ENo5 A%st6 so+ething) (hate.er yo% want)

Play a song that +eans so+ething to yo%)G # start with EOo*2etshipG -y F%ster5 -e*a%se that song has always str%*2 a *hor' with +e) # listene' to that song all the ti+e5 on repeat) #<' play it o.er an' o.er an' o.er again5 al+ost as +%*h as +y l%lla-y to +ysel1) The i'ea o1 a ro*2etship ta2ing +e away5 -o%n' 1or so+ething new6yeah) # *o%l' i'enti1y) # 1eel people -ehin' %s5 -%t # 'on<t *are) Net the+ listen)

EPlay so+ething else5G Nell says) E nything)G # sigh) E# wrote a song while yo% were sleeping) #t<s6a goo'-ye5 # g%ess yo% *o%l' say)G EPlay it) Please)G E(e<re -oth gonna *ry li2e 1%*2ing -a-ies5G # say) E$eah5 # 2now) Play it anyway)G # no'5 str%+ the opening *hor's) #t<s a si+ple song5 al+ost a l%lla-y) # sigh5 *lose +y eyes an' let it all *o+e o%t) E$o%<.e ne.er ha' a na+e) $o%<.e ne.er ha' a 1a*e) tho%san' -reaths yo%<ll ne.er

ta2e 3*ho in +y +in'5 ?y *hil'5 *hil'5 *hil') The @%estions -lin2 li2e stars5 N%+-erless in the night s2y) Di' yo% 'rea+7 Di' yo% ha.e a so%l7 (ho *o%l' yo% ha.e -een7 $o%<.e ne.er 2nown +y ar+s5 $o%<.e ne.er 2nown yo%r +other<s ar+s5 ?y *hil'5 *hil'5 *hil') #<ll 'rea+ 1or yo%5 #<ll -reathe 1or yo%5 #<ll @%estion Fo' 1or yo%5 #<ll sha2e +y 1ists an' s*rea+ an' *ry 1or yo%)

This song is 1or yo%5 #t<s all #<.e got) #t 'oesn<t gi.e yo% a na+e) #t 'oesn<t gi.e yo% a 1a*e) !%t it<s all #<.e got to gi.e) ll +y lo.e is in these wor's # sing5 #n ea*h ha%nte' note 1ro+ +y g%itar5 ?y *hil'5 *hil'5 *hil') $o%<re not gone5 !e*a%se yo% ne.er were) !%t that 'oesn<t +ean $o% passe' %nlo.e') #t 'oesn<t +ean yo%<re 1orgotten5 Mn-orn *hil'5 *hil'5 *hil') # -%ry yo%

(ith this song) # +o%rn yo% (ith this song)G The last note hangs in the air) Nell is so--ing into her han's) # hear a *ho2e' *o%gh 1ro+ -ehin' +e5 t%rn to see a *row' aro%n' the 'oor5 n%rses5 'o*tors5 or'erlies5 patients an' .isitors5 all o1 the+ *learly a11e*te') ?y *hee2s are wet an' +y eyes sting) "or on*e5 # let it o%t5 let +ysel1 -e wea2) Nell s*ra+-les o11 the -e'5 wires an' t%-es tripping her5 an' *rawls onto +y lap) # *ra'le her

into +e5 hol' her against +e5 an' we *ry together) # *o+1ort her the only way # 2now: with +y silen*e5 +y ar+s5 +y lips on her s2in) There aren<t wor's 1or this5 an' the ones # 'i' ha.e5 # sang) Chapter 15: /ong o1 /ingle !reaths Two and a half weeks later (ater *h%*2s an' laps against the 'o*2 pilings) The +oon is +issing a sli.er 1ro+ the si'e5 an' glea+s sil.er on the -la*2 ripples o1 the la2e) (e<re -a*2

where we starte'5 on the 'o*25 a -ottle o1 &a+eson an' +y g%itar) /he<s sitting on the e'ge5 pants rolle' %p to her 2nees5 1eet 2i*2ing in the -loo';war+ water) #<+ playing EDon<t Drin2 the (aterG -y Da.e ?atthews !an'5 an' she<s A%st sitting5 listening) #<+ leaning -a*2 against the *orner post5 one 1oot in the water5 the other a*ross her thighs) /he<s r%--ing +y *al1 with her 1ingers5 staring at the water) (e ha.en<t sai' +%*h sin*e we *a+e 'own here at

+i'night5 two ho%rs ago) (e<re -oth 2in' o1 sloppy5 an' the loose n%+-ness is wel*o+e) There<s -een a lot o1 hospital .isits to +a2e s%re she<s 1ine5 long;ter+5 physi*ally5 pl%s a whole lot +ore therapy appoint+ents an' grie1 *o%nseling an' all sorts o1 other long;past '%e shit) #<.e -een staying with +y parents5 tal2ing to +y 'a') # ha.en<t tol' hi+ +%*h5 -%t eno%gh 1or hi+ to %n'erstan' a little o1 what # went thro%gh)

0e hasn<t apologiCe' again5 whi*h is pro-a-ly goo' sin*e apologies 'on<t +ean shit5 -%t # *an tell he<s trying5 with +e) (hate.er) One 'ay at a ti+e5 an' 'on<t hol' gr%'ges) That last part is har') Nell is6not o2ay5 -%t getting there) #<+ not o2ay5 -%t #<+ getting there) n' now we<re 'r%n2 an' alone on the 'o*2) EDon<t Drin2 the (aterG t%rns into E!la*2-ir'G an' #<+ not s%re i1 #<+ 'oing /arah ?*Na*hlan<s .ersion or Pa%l ?*Cartney<s5 -%t

it 'oesn<t +atter) #<+ singing it5 an' the wor's ha.e ne.er +eant so +%*h) #t<s not really an epiphany5 A%st a 2nowle'ge that we<ll -e o2ay5 so+ehow5 so+e'ay) /he hears what #<+ saying -ehin' the song) /he t%rns an' loo2s at +e an' her eyes are -right in the +oon;sil.er 'ar2ness) E$o% were only waiting 1or this +o+ent to arise6G /he sings the last line with +e) EFo' # lo.e that song) 0ow<' yo% 2now7G # shr%g an' set the g%itar asi'e) E# 'i'n<t5 really) # A%st 2new5

-e*a%se it<s always +eant a lot to +e5 an' now +ore than e.er)G E re we7G E re we what7G /he sli'es *loser to +e %ntil her -a*2 is to +y 1ront) E(aiting 1or this +o+ent7G # gi.e a 2in';o1 la%gh) E#<+ not s%re what yo%<re as2ing5 -%t #<+ gonna go with yes) There<s -een a lot o1 hea.y shit in o%r li.es) n' this6this latest -%siness has -een hell)G # still *an<t e.en say the wor' 1or what happene'9 it<s too

har') E!%t we ha.e to learn to -e 1ree) (e ha.e to5 Nell) Doesn<t +ean happy all the ti+e5 or o2ay all the ti+e) #t<s o2ay not to -e o2ay) # tol' yo% that5 -%t #<+ relearning it +ysel1) !%t not -eing o2ay 'oesn<t +ean yo% stop li.ing)G /he leans -a*25 tilts her hea' to press her lips to +ine) /he tastes o1 &a+eson5 an' the le+on;li+e tang 1ro+ the /prite she<s *hasing it with) (his2ey an' /prite7 !le*h) !%t she li2es it5 so whate.er) /he tastes li2e Nell5 an' that<s all that +atters)

0er tong%e sweeps +y +o%th5 an' # realiCe where she<s going with this) 0er han' li1ts to -r%sh the -a*2 o1 +y hea'5 *%p +y nape an' p%ll +e against her) ?y 1ingers trail a*ross her -elly5 1in' the gap -etween her shirt an' pants5 to%*h the sil2y heat o1 her s2in) # t%g the shirt %p5 an' she p%shes away 1ro+ +e so # *an p%ll it 1ree) (e *a+e 'own to the 'o*2 late at night5 a1ter she<' ta2en a shower5 so she<s not wearing a -ra) # li2e it)

# *an s+ooth +y pal+s a*ross her -elly5 %p her ri-s5 sli'e +y 1ingers aro%n' her ta%t nipple an' *%p the hea.y weight o1 her -reast) /he +oans into +y +o%th5 an' # 2now she nee's this) # 'o too) # 2iss her5 e4plore her +o%th5 relearn the *%r.e o1 her hips an' the swell o1 her -reasts an' the shower;'a+p *%rls o1 her hair) /he 2isses +e5 lets +e to%*h her) 3a*h *aress -rings her healing5 # thin2) /hows her she<s +ore than the s%+ o1 her grie1)

#t 'oes the sa+e 1or +e) "inally5 she twists in pla*e an' we sli'e so the 'o*2 is -eneath +y -a*2 an' she<s pillowe' on top o1 +e5 -o'y presse' 1l%sh to -o'y5 so1tness +erging with har'ness) /he lets all her weight rest on +e5 *ra'les +y 1a*e in her han's an' 2isses +e into o-li.ion5 an' sweet &es%s5 her +o%th is +y hea.en) Nell # 'i'n<t realiCe how -a'ly # *ra.e' this %ntil his han's *a+e %p o.er +y thighs to 2nea' the

+%s*le o1 +y ass) Mp %ntil that point5 2issing hi+ was A%st6sweet an' per1e*t an' all the things # nee'e' to 1orget) !%t then5 so+ething in the way his 1ingers '%g h%ngrily into +y -a*2si'e %nleashe' a nee' insi'e +e) # nee' hi+) # +ean5 yeah5 e+otionally5 +entally5 # nee' hi+ too) 0e<s +y ro*2) 0e<s there5 A%st6 always there5 e4a*tly how # nee' hi+) Cal+ing5 *o+1orting5 prote*ting5 an' 'istra*ting +e)

!%t this6 # ha.e to ha.e his ar+s aro%n' +e5 his han's on +e5 his 1ingers -laCing a trail o1 heat on +y s2in an' his +o%th wrea2ing won'er1%l ha.o* on +y senses) # a-sol%tely *annot li.e witho%t that another +in%te) #t<s a +a'ness in +e) # thin2 he senses this in the way # s%''enly atta*2 hi+) (e were A%st 2issing5 +a2ing o%t5 to%*hing a -it5 an' then # rear -a*2 an' loo2 'own at hi+ an' see his .i-rant sapphire eyes spar2ling in the

starlight an' +oon-ea+s an' his eyes are ta2ing +e in li2e #<+ the +ost -ea%ti1%l thing he<s e.er seen5 an' # A%st6lose it) # 'ig at his Aeans5 1%+-ling 1ranti*ally at the -%tton an' at the elasti* o1 his -o4ers an' at his shirt) #<+ panting with nee'5 *raCe') 0e stills -oth o1 +y wrists in one o1 his han's an' li1ts +y *hin with the other) EOela45 Nell) /low 'own)G E# *an<t5 # *an<t)G ?y .oi*e is not +ine5 it<s al+ost a s@%ea25 an' #

'on<t s@%ea2) E# nee' yo%) Oight now)G 0is eyes are *al+ -%t h%ngry) E# nee' yo% too) !%t slow 'own) #<+ here) #<+ here)G 0e p%lls +e 'own against hi+ so # *an 1eel his hot 1lesh an' har' +%s*le an' his aro%sal against +y thigh) E#t<s not eno%gh) # nee' yo% insi'e +e5 Colton) Please)G 0e -r%shes a waywar' *%rl asi'e with his th%+-) E# 2now5 -a-y) !%t -reathe 1or +e5 o2ay7 #t<s alright)G # realiCe #<+ hyper.entilating) #<+ not o2ay) !%t Colton +a2es

+e o2ay5 not -e*a%se he 1i4es +e5 A%st -e*a%se he<s hi+) 0e<s %n*hanging) 0e<s raw an' ro%gh an' 2in' an' s+art an' nearly illiterate -%t so -rilliant an' so talente' an' so 1%*2ing hot it<s a-s%r' an' he<s mine) n' all that +a2es +e o2ay5 -e*a%se he lo.es +e5 e.en when # r%n away an' e.en when #<+ hyper.entilating) # -reathe) # slow +ysel1 'own5 one -reath at a ti+e5 li2e #<.e -een learning in therapy5 an' slowly5

# -egin to 1in' a se+-lan*e o1 sanity) n' then Colton stan's %p easily5 li1ting +e in his ar+s5 an' *arries +e to the spare -e'roo+ in his parents< ho%se where he<s -een sleeping) The ho%se is e+pty5 silent in the way that only e+pty ho%ses *an -e) 0is +o+ an' 'a' are gone5 1inally ta2ing a +%*h; nee'e' wee2en' away together) Colton lowers +e to the -e'5 an' # *at*h a s*ent o1 his *ologne an' sha+poo an' whis2ey) # wat*h hi+5 stare at hi+5 'rin2ing in his

r%gge'5 +as*%line -ea%ty) 0e strips his shirt o115 'oing that se4y g%y thing where he peels it straight %p o.er his hea'5 stret*hing the sla-s o1 +%s*le on his sto+a*h an' *hest) Then he 1li*2s open his Aeans -%tton5 an' #<+ a tre+-ling +ess wat*hing hi+ %nCip a*hingly slowly5 teasing +e) The Aeans slip o11 to the 1loor5 an' his %n'erwear are tente') 0e<s not sel1*ons*io%s at all) 0e hoo2s his th%+-s in the gray elasti* waist-an' an'

'raws the -la*2 *otton o.er the hea'5 -aring hi+sel1 to +e) Fo' yes) # *an<t help -iting +y lip an' s+iling at the sight o1 hi+5 stan'ing straight %p5 tip glistening) 0e<s na2e'5 stan'ing o.er +e) # rea*h o%t an' grasp hi+5 p%ll hi+ to +e) 0e *li+-s onto the -e' an' 2neels a-o.e +e) E$o%<re wearing too +any *lothes5G he +%r+%rs) E$o% sho%l' 1i4 that5G # say) 0e grins an' 'raws +y yoga pants o115 then +y panties) 0is

+o%th 'es*en's on +ine5 an' this 2iss isn<t 'eli*ate or gentle9 it<s nee'y) De+an'ing) # stro2e hi+5 *aress hi+5 sli'e +y th%+- o.er the wetness at his tip5 e4plore the .eins an' ri'ges an' the sil2; an';steel *ontrast o1 hi+) # 2eep e4pe*ting hi+ to sli'e into +e5 -%t he 'oesn<t) EThe 'o*tor *leare' yo% 1or this5 right7G 0e whispers it gently) # A%st no' an' try to p%ll hi+ 'own to +e) 0e resists5 tho%gh5 staring 'own at +e5 eyes ins*r%ta-le)

# 'on<t 2now what his hesitation is5 # thin2 #<.e +a'e +y nee' *lear) Then he<s rolling to his -a*2 an' 'rawing +e onto hi+5 e4*ept he li1ts +e so #<+ laying on hi+ -a*2 to 1ront) 0e shi++ies %pwar'5 a'A%sts the pillows so we<re re*lining5 an' go'5 this is 1%*2ing in*re'i-ly *o+1orta-le an' se4y as hell at the sa+e ti+e) #<+ laying on top o1 hi+5 an' he<s n%'ging +y entran*e) # lean -a*2 to press 2isses to his Aaw5 an' get lost in the taste o1 his s2in while he

leans away to 'ig in the 'rawer 1or so+ething) # hear a pa*2et ripping an' he rolls it on s+oothly) # -arely register this5 tasting the salt on his ne*25 -%t then his han's are on +e5 ar*ing a*ross +y ri-s an' pin*hing +y nipples so #<+ gasping an' +oaning an' rea*hing 'own -etween o%r legs 1or hi+5 g%i'ing hi+ where he nee's to -e5 pressing hi+ into +e) Oh6 oh go') # 2eep +y 1ingers on the Aoining o1 o%r 1lesh while he sli'es in5

an' the 1eeling o1 his late4; *oate' 1lesh +o.ing against +y 'esire; wet 1ol's is into4i*ating5 se4y as anything #<.e e.er 1elt) # *an 1eel %s +o.ing5 1eel +y petals stret*hing 1ro+ his thi*2ness5 1eel the +oist%re sli*2ing %s -oth5 an' then +y 1ingers Aoin his at +y *lit an' we<re sti+%lating +e together) ?y other han' is at his Aaw5 an' he t%rns his 1a*e into +y pal+ to 2iss it) 0e<s 2nea'ing an' *aressing +y -reasts while he 1on'les +y

swollen n%- an' his thighs are tensing5 t%rning to ro*2 an' +y legs are 'rape' to either si'e o1 his an' li1ting +e %p an' sin2ing +e 'own) # *an A%st -arely rea*h his sa*25 so # *aress hi+ there5 *%p hi+5 stret*h a -it 1%rther to r%- +y 1inger on the tiny sli*e o1 +%s*le A%st -ehin' it) 0is -reath is hot on +y ne*25 an' his .oi*e +%r+%rs +y na+e5 *hants his lo.e 1or +e5 repeats how -ea%ti1%l # a+5 how per1e*t5 how

a+aCing) 3a*h wor' 1ro+ his lips is poetry5 a song rhyth+e' to the sin%o%s grin' o1 o%r -o'ies) There<s no start5 no stop5 no hi+ or +e9 there is only %s5 only per1e*tion5 only +eshe' so%ls an' +erge' -o'ies an' 'iCCy pleas%re) t so+e point5 # *o+e5 an' the release is en'less5 wa.e a1ter wa.e o1 'eli*io%s press%re an' wa1ting heat an' -illowing e*stasy an' a r%sh o1 lo.e so power1%l # *an<t -reathe past it5 *an only rest

+y hea' on his sho%l'er an' 2eep *o+ing aro%n' hi+ an' whisper his na+e as +y prayer to o%r lo.e) There<s no +agi*al healing in this) # won<t wa2e %p to+orrow 1i4e' an' Aoy1%l) #<ll still h%rt an' grie.e) !%t +o+ents li2e this5 with Colton7 They +a2e it all -eara-le) 0e 'oesn<t 1i4 +e5 'oesn<t heal +e) 0e A%st +a2es li1e worthwhile) 0e helps +e re+e+-er to -reathe5 shows +e how to s+ile again) 0e

2isses +e5 an' # *an 1orget pain5 1orget the %rges # still ha.e to *%t 1or the pain that erases the e+otions) 0e sli'es his -o'y into +ine5 an' # *an +oan with hi+5 -reathe with hi+5 +oan5 ea*h single -reath a song5 an' 1or the +in%tes an' ho%rs spent 'e.o%ring his lo.e 1or +e5 his lo.e insi'e +e5 # *an only -e his Nell5 the one witho%t s*ars an' ghosts) (hen he *o+es5 # *o+e again5 an' # whisper the wor's that ha.e *o+e to al+ost repla*e (

love you -etween %s: E#<+ 1alling into yo%)G /o tr%e) (hen we *o+e together5 when we 2iss5 when we 'rowse into sleep si'e -y si'e5 we<re 1alling into ea*h other5 an' that<s when #<+ o2ay) (hen #<+ 1alling into hi+) T03 3ND "eat%re' ?%si* Playlist: EDanny<s /ongG -y :enny Noggins EOe+in'erG -y ?%+1or' S /ons E!arton 0ollowG -y The Ci.il (ars

ENi2e a !ri'ge O.er Tro%-le' (atersG -y /i+on an' Far1%n2el E# an' No.e an' $o%G -y The .ett !rothers E?a2e $o% "eel ?y No.eG -y 'ele ECan<t !rea2 0er "allG -y ?att :earney E/till-ornG -y !la*2 Na-el /o*iety ECo+e On Fet 0igherG -y ?att Nathanson E# (on<t Fi.e MpG -y &ason ?raC EThis FirlG -y City S Colo%r E?y "%nny PalentineG -y 3lla "itCgeral'

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their wor2 an' s%pport their talent) rt +a2es the worl' a -etter pla*e) &asin'a (il'er Pisit +e at +y we-site: www)Aasin'awil'er)*o+ #1 yo% enAoye' rea'ing this -oo25 # wo%l' lo.e it i1 yo% wo%l' help others enAoy it as well) N3ND it5 O3CO??3ND it5 or O3P#3( it) $o% *an share it with a 1rien' .ia the the len'ing 1eat%re5 whi*h has -een ena-le' 1or this -oo2) Or yo% *an help other rea'ers 1in' it -y

re*o++en'ing it to 1rien's an' 1a+ily5 rea'ing an' 'is*%ssion gro%ps5 online 1or%+s5 or the li2e) $o% *an also re.iew it on the site where yo% p%r*hase' it) #1 yo% 'o happen to write a re.iew5 please in1or+ +e .ia an e+ail to Aasin'awil'erUg+ail)*o+ an' #8ll than2 yo% with a personal e+ail) Nin2s to +y other titles: The Prea*her8s /on V1 V2 V3 !i2er !illionaire V1 V2 V3 S O+ni-%s !ig Firls Do #t !etter =V1> (etter =V2> (il'er =V3> On Top

=V4> ?arrie' =V5> On Christ+as =V5)5> S O+ni-%s Delilah8s Diary V1 V2 V3 (o%n'e' Oo*2 /tars Do #t 0ar'er Oo*2 /tars Do #t Dirty Oo*2 /tars Do #t "ore.er Oo*2 /tars Paper-a*2 O+ni-%s Pisit &asin'a (il'er on +aCon 1or *%rrent titles) To -e in1or+e' o1 new releases an' spe*ial o11ers5 sign %p 1or &asin'a8s e+ail newsletter)