Fatal Beatings: From Rowan Atkinson LIVE <Scene: An office with a desk and two chairs, one on each

side of the desk. On the visitors side sits a man in glasses. This is Mr. Perkins. Rowan (a school headmaster) enters from the back carrying a tea set. During the following conversation he prepares a cup for himself and his visitor> HEADMASTER: Well now Mr. Perkins, it was good of you to come in. I realize that you are a busy man but I dont think this matter could be discussed over the electric telephone. PERKINS: No, no absolutely headmaster. I mean, if Tommy is in some sort of trouble then I want to nip it in the bud. HEADMASTER: Well, quite frankly, Tommy is in trouble. Recently his behavior has left a great deal to be desired. PERKINS: Oh dear. HEADMASTER:He seems to take no interest in school life WHAT-so-ever. He refuses to muck in on the sports field. And its weeks since any master has received any written work from him. PERKINS:Dear me. HEAD: Quite frankly Mr. Perkins, if he wasnt dead Id have him expelled. <long pause as Headmaster sits down and sips his tea. Perkins looks up.> PERKINS:I beg your pardon? HEAD: Yes! Expelled! If I wasnt making allowances for the fact that your son is dead, hes be out on his ear. PERKINS: Hes dead? HEAD: Yes... hes lying up in the sick bay now. Stiff as a board and bright green. And its very typical of his current attitude. PERKINS: <shocked> But... <Headmaster stands up and moves behind Perkins> HEADMASTER:You see, the boy has no sense of moderation. One moment hes flying around like a paper kite and the next moment hes completely

immovable.

And beginning to smell.

PERKINS: Well, how did he die?!?! HEADMASTER: Is that important? PERKINS:<incredulous> Yes, I think so! HEADMASTER: Well, its all got to do with the library you see. Weve had a lot of trouble recently with boys taking out library books without library cards. Your son was caught and I administered a beating, during which he died. But youll be glad to know the ring leader was caught, so I dont think well be having any more trouble with library discipline. You see, the library card system... <Headmaster sits down, mid lecture and picks up one of the library cards> PERKINS: Wait... Im sorry.... son to death? You BEAT my

HEADMASTER: Yes, Yes. So it would seem. Please, Im not used to being interrupted. the library card system was introduced.... PERKINS:Well, exactly what happened? HEADMASTER: Well, apparently the boys were just slipping into the library and TAKING the books. PERKINS:No, during the beating! HEADMASTER: Oh, that. Well, one moment he was bending over; the next he was lying down... PERKINS: DEAD?!

You see,

HEADMASTER: Ummm... deadish. Mr. Perkins, I find this rather morbid fascination with your sons death quite disturbing. <stands up and puts down the card, walking back around behind Perkins> HEADMASTER: What I am talking about is his attitude, and quite frankly I can see where he gets it from. PERKINS:Well, did you have to beat him to death?!?! HEADMASTER: Well it was perfectly obvious to

me the first day here, I fear. I wondered then as I wonder now if he hadnt turned out a very different boy indeed if you had administered a few fatal beatings early on. <Perkins removes his glasses and stands up, looking as if he is about to "get medieval" on the Headmaster> PERKINS: Are you MAD?!?! HEADMASTER: Im furious! In order to accommodate the funeral,Ive had to cancel afternoon school on Wednesday! <a bell rings and the headmaster moves to the door> PERKINS: This is preposterous! HEADMASTER: Yes it is. if it were true. PERKINS: WHAT?!?! HEADMASTER: Ive been joking, Mr. Perkins. Pardon me, its my strange academic sense of humor. Ive been pulling your leg. <Mr. Perkins sighs with relief> HEADMASTER: I wouldnt cancel afternoon school to bury that little shit! Or at least it would be...