Church Humor

Windows 95 Church-Lite Near Perfect Attendance The Lesson The Number of the Beast The Lord's Lottery Noah's Excuses Rabbi & Priest

Windows 95
Avraham (Abraham) wants to upgrade his PC to Windows 95. Yitzhak (Isaac) is incredulous. "Pop," he says, "you can't run Windows 95 on your old, slow 386. Everyone knows that you need at least a 486 with a minimum of 16 megs of memory in order to multitask effectively with Windows 95." But Abraham, the man of faith, gazed calmly at his son and replied, "God will provide the RAM, my son."

Church-Lite
Has the heaviness of you old fashioned church got you weighted down? Try us! We are the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley. Studies have shown we have 24% fewer commitments than other churches. We guarantee to trim off guilt, because we are Low-Cal... low Calvin, that is. We are the home of the 7.5% tithe. We promise 35 minute worship services, with 7 minute sermons. Next Sunday's exciting text is the story of the Feeding of the 500. We have only 6 Commandments-- Your choice!! We use just 3 gospels in our contemporary New Testament *Good Sound Bites for Modern Human Beings*. We take the offering every other week, all major credit cards accepted, of course. We are looking forward with great anticipation to our 800 year Millennium. Yes, the New and Improved Lite Church of the Valley could be just what you are looking for. We are everything you want in a church... and less!!

Near Perfect Attendance

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?" The old man looked around and lowered his voice. I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90 I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me ..... and I don't want to remind Him."

The Lesson
Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them around him, he taught them saying, Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven Blessed are the meek... Blessed are they who mourn... Blessed are the merciful... Blessed are they who thirst for justice... Blessed are you when persecuted... Blessed are you when you suffer... Be glad and rejoice, for your reward is great in heaven... Then Simon Peter said, 'Do we have to write this down?' And Andrew said, 'Are we supposed to know this?' And James said, 'Will we have a test on it?' And Philip said, 'What if we don't know it?' And Bartholomew said, 'Do we have to turn this in?' And John said, 'The other disciples didn't have to learn this.' And Matthew said, 'When do we get out of here?'

And Judas said, 'What does this have to do with real life?' Then one of the Pharisees present asked to see Jesus' lesson plans and inquired of Jesus his terminal objectives in the cognitive domain. And Jesus wept...

The Number of the Beast

OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know: $665.95 - Retail price of the Beast $699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax $769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul $656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast 00666 - Zip code of the Beast 1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please. Route 666 - Highway of the Beast 666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast 666k - Retirement plan of the Beast 6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National Bank, $666 minimum deposit. i66686 - CPU of the Beast 666i - BMW of the Beast DSM-666 - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast 668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast a+rw - The file permissions of the Beast

The Lord's Lottery

A Sure Fire Stewardship Program Designed And Developed By Dale Vitalis Theological Basis: 'As a man winneth so will he giveth.' Hez 6:15 Purpose: The 'BLT' (bottom line theory) is to get more money to find its way into the offering plates on Sunday mornings. Plan: Three simple steps to explosive giving: 1. When the ushers bring the offering plates to the altar the pastor will place all the offering envelopes in a big round tumbler on the altar. 2. One of the acolytes will step forward and draw out one of the offering envelopes from the big round tumbler on the altar. 3. The 'winner' (person or family whose offering envelope is drawn) will receive DOUBLE THEIR MONEY BACK!! Benefits: Fee-nominal!! Listed below are some of the outstanding benefits blessings, if you serve a 'spiritual' congregation) from this 'Lord's Lottery Sure Fire Stewardship Program' 1. More and more members will begin using offering envelopes. 2. When you make the offering envelopes available only to members you will be astounded at how your membership will grow. 3. Members will naturally put in more money because they know that if their envelope is drawn they will get more back (never underestimate the intelligence of your members). 4. Your worship service will reach new heights of excitement. You can imagine the excitement and drama each Sunday as the winning envelope is drawn. 5. You will have no trouble lining up acolytes because of the excitement, honor, and prestige that comes with the job. 6. Your finance committee will never again have to worry about buying those expensive offering envelope boxes. When this new program catches on members will be more than willing to buy their own. You will also discover that many will buy more than one set of envelopes. I call this the 'bingo syndrome.' 7. Pastors will no longer have to work quite so hard on their sermons as that will no longer be the 'main event.' WARNING! REMEMBER JIM AND TAMMY.

Noah's Excuses For Not Completing His Ark On Time

And the Lord said unto Noah: 'Where is the ark which I have commanded thee to build?'

And Noah said unto the Lord, 'Verily, I have had three carpenters off ill. The gopherwood supplier hath let me down---yea, even though the gopherwood hath been on order for nigh upon 12 months. What can I do O'Lord?' And God said unto Noah: 'I want that ark finished even after seven days and seven nights.' And Noah said: 'It will be so.' And it was not so. And the Lord said unto Noah: 'What seemeth to be the trouble this time?' And Noah said unto the Lord: 'Mine subcontractor hath gone bankrupt. The pitch which Thous commandest me to put on the outside of the ark hath not arrived. The plumber hath gone on strike. Shem, my son who helpeth me on the ark side of the business, hath formed a pop group with his brothers Ham and Japeth. Lord, I am undone. ' And the Lord grew angry and said: 'And what about the animals, the male and female of every sort that I ordered to come unto thee to keep their seed upon the face of the earth?' And Noah said: 'They have been delivered unto the wrong address but should arriveth on Friday. And the Lord said: 'How about the unicorns, and the fowls of the air by seven?' And Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying: 'Lord, unicorns are a discontinued line, thou canst not get them for love or money. And fowls of the air are sold only in half-dozens. Lord, Lord, Thou knowest how it is.' And the Lord in his wisdom said: 'Noah, my son, I knowest, Why else dost thou think I have caused a flood to descend upon the earth?' And the Lord grew angry. Actual Announcements From Church Bulletins Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help. Thursday night -- Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Rabbi & Priest

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car s completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."