The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective Families

By Stephen Covey Habit #1: Be Proactive Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our happiness. We need a >pause button= that we can press to enable us to stop between what happens to us and our response to it. Habit #1 is the ability to act based on principles and values rather than on emotion or circumstance. The ability to do this is based on four unique human gifts (1) Self-Awareness ! the ability to stand bac" and observe our lives# thoughts# actions# etc. (2) Conscience ! an inner voice that helps us to evaluate what we observe. (3) Ima ination ! the ability to see something different from past e$periences or responses. (!) In"e#en"ent will ! the power to ta"e action. Habit #1 is the "ey to all the other habits ! the power to choose% We must learn how to focus on things that we can do something about. There are things that we can be concerned about &our circle of concern' but there are things that we are able to influence &circle of influence'. We need to focus on our circle of influence. How do we put this habit into practise( The )motional Ban" *ccount illustration is helpful. In our relationships with people we ma"e +deposits+ &proactively doing things that build trust in the relationship' or +withdrawals+ &reactively doing things that decrease trust in the relationship'. The balance of trust in the account determines how well we will communicate and solve problems with another person. The following deposits need to be made 1$ Be %in" ! using words or phrases li"e thank you, please, excuse me, you go first, may I help you? ,erforming une$pected acts of service ! helping with the dishes# "ids# etc. -inding little ways to e$press love ! through notes# e$pressing appreciation# giving compliments. 2$ A#olo ise ! saying I am sorry. We must agree on the right to disagree ! allow other people to see things differently. 3$ Be &o'al to ()ose *ot Present ! .ot criticising or gossipping behind the bac"s of family members. We must tal" about others as if they were present. We should choose to focus on the positive rather than the negative. When we tal" about wea"nesses we do it in a responsible and constructive way. !$ +a,e an" %ee# Promises ! )$citement and hope is created when a promise is made. /arriage vows and promises to ta"e care of children should be "ept. -$ .or ive ! When we forgive we open the channels through which trust and unconditional love can flow.

These deposits are based on the three ,rimary 0aws of 0ove &love that is unconditional' &1' *cceptance rather than re1ection2 &3' understanding rather than 1udgment2 and &4' participation rather than manipulation. We need to view every problem as an opportunity to ma"e a deposit someone5s bad day is an opportunity to ma"e a deposit2 an offense is an opportunity to apologise and to forgive.Habit #2: Be in /it) t)e 0n" in +in" The second habit involves creating a clear# compelling vision of what you and your family are all about. It is the principle of vision. The "ey is creating a family mission statement which is a unified e$pression from all family members of what the family is all about and the principles that will govern family life. We must decide what "ind of family we want and then identify principles that will help us get there. There are three steps to follow in creating a mission statement Ste# 1: 01#lore w)at 'o2r famil' is all abo2t 6et everyone5s feelings and ideas out on the table. The following questions are helpful What is the purpose of our family( What "ind of family do we want to be( What "inds of things do we want to do( What "ind of feeling do we want to have in our home( What "ind of relationships do we want to have with one another( How do we want to treat one another and spea" to one another( What things are truly important to us as a family( What are our family5s highest priority goals( What are the unique talents# gifts# and abilities of family members( What are our responsibilities as family members( What are the principles and guidelines we want our family to follow( Who are our heroes( What is it about them that we li"e and would li"e to emulate( What families inspire us and why do we admire them( How can we contribute to society as a family and become more service!oriented( In the discussion phase there are three ground rules &1' listen with respect2 &3' restate accurately to show you understand2 and &4' write down the ideas that are generated. Ste# 2: /rite "own 'o2r famil' mission statement .ow you need to refine# distil and pull together the ideas into an e$pression that reflects the collective feelings of all those who contributed. It should be viewed as a rough draft ! as family members need to loo" at it# thin" about it# live with it# discuss it and ma"e changes to it. Ste# 3: 3se it to sta' on trac, It is the constitution of your family life. Habit number 4 will show how we can turn the mission statement into a constitution. * mission statement is valuable because it helps with parenting2 with the setting and meeting of standards2 with the creation of bonds between family members2 and with the "eeping of marriage and parenting vows. When developing a mission statement avoid the following (1) 4on5t anno2nce it ! everyone must wor" on it and help to create it. If there is no involvement# there will be no commitment. (2) 4on5t r2s) it ! the process is as important as the product ! it ta"es a lot of listening to one another. (3) 4on5t i nore it ! the mission must be translated into everyday living ! so you must always "eep it before you# reflect on it and use it as a constitution for family life.

Habit #3: P2t .irst ()in s .irst The third habit is all about developing ways to turn the mission statement into a family constitution. *lthough we may say that family is a priority in our lives# we often reveal by the way we live that this is not the case. Why( -irstly# it could be that we are not really connected to our deepest priorities. We are so easily driven# enticed or derailed by other things. The role of parenting is a sacred role ! when we are finished our career in the wor" place we will still be parents. 7econdly# it could be that our society is wor"ing against the family. /uch has changed during the past 89 years# including popular culture# laws# the economy# technology# etc. 7hifts in the meta!structures are dislocating everything. If we are going to prioritise family in the world today# we are going to have to create structures that will help. There are two structures that are essential 1$ /ee,l' .amil' (ime We need a specific time set aside each wee" 1ust for the family. The following things can happen during this time review the calendar for the coming wee"2 discuss issues and problems affecting the family &get suggestions and ma"e decisions'2 have a talent show2 shave a devotion or lesson and pray and sing together. This covers the four main ingredients of a successful family time planning2 teaching2 problem!solving2 and having fun. The time should cover all four needs physical# social# mental and spiritual. It could start out as 1ust a family dinner together 2$ 6ne-on-6ne Bon"in (ime The second structure to put in place is a time to be completely present with each family member# each wee". This is where the real wor" of family is done2 where the deepest nurturing of heart and soul ta"es place# where the most significant sharing# the most profound teaching and the deepest bonding ta"es place. Husbands and wives need a retreat time where they can get away from the children and plan their future. ,arents need a time with each child where they create the agenda. :ovey uses the analogy from Seven Habits of Highly Effective People of trying to fit roc"s# stones# sand and water into a 1ar &in that order'. ;nless we get the roc"s in first# we will never get them in. If we put the advance prevention time into building relationships and investing in unifying and organising our families we will spend less time trying to mend bro"en relationships# save marriages# or influence children who are being powerfully influenced by social forces outside the family. <ne of the best ways to do this is to organise around our most important roles ! creating goals for each role. We need to ensure that the roles of father=mother and husband=wife are clearly indicated in our wee"ly schedules and see to it that we achieve the goals we have set for the wee". * powerful quote from this chapter follows +The song that I came to sing remains unsung. I have spent my days in stringing and unstringing my instrument. We5re busy ! incredibly busy. We5re going through the motions. But we never seem to reach the level of life where the music happens.+

Habit #!: ()in, /in-/in The fourth habit is introduced with an overview of habits four to si$# which wor" together to help us accomplish the first three habits. Habits > to ? also build on each other Habit > is the root ! it is the fundamental paradigm of see"ing mutual benefit ! the nurturing attitude out of which understanding and synergy grow. Habit 8 is the route ! the method or pathway that leads to rich interdependent interaction. Habit ? is the fruit ! the end result that is not +your way+ or +my way+# but a +better# higher way+. Together these habits wor" together to help a family wor" together to create new ideas and solutions that are better than an individual member could come up with. While no one li"es to lose# we often go into situation with a win!lose mind!set. The consequences of win!lose on a family are devastating ! in fact no one actually wins when this paradigm is followed &win!lose ban"rupts the )motional Ban" *ccount of family members2 and results in children who grow up unable to ma"e healthy decisions'. If the paradigm is lose!win the result is co!dependency which is also destructive &if we use a lose!win approach we may be popular in the short!run but will find that we have no standard or respect'. <nce we realise that both of these paradigms are actually lose!lose# we will want to move to the win!win paradigm. We will grow as a family when we move from +me+ &a scarcity mentality' to +we+ &an abundance mentality'. * good family or marriage require service and sacrifice. When we love another and see" to live with a +we+ mentality when we ma"e a sacrifice we are actually giving up something small for something big. Two characteristics produce healthy# lasting marriages &1' both partners stop being single at heart and become married at heart2 and &3' they care more about the health of the relationship that they do about winning arguments. :ovey draws on -rederic" Her@berg5s motivation insights and says &1' don5t e$pect a lot of praise and appreciation from children2 &3' eliminate as many dissatisfiers as possible and &4' don5t define satisfaction for your children. To move towards win!win in a family we should do the following &1' 0et children win in the little things. &3' Interact with children around the big things. &4' Ta"e steps to offset the competition focus &stress that team wor" and co!operation are more important than beating others'. <ne of the hindrances to win!win living involves e$pectations that are not clarified. We need to share vision# e$pectation and assumptions that will guide our family. There are five elements in creating win!win agreement in our family interaction &:ovey uses a case study to flesh out these elements on page 1A3' !" #esire$ %esults ! we e$plore with the person what we would li"e to see happen. &" 'ui$elines ! we share guidelines for how they could accomplish the tas"2 (" %esources ! we discuss the resources that are at the person5s disposal2 )" *ccountability ! we place the onus on them to be responsible for the tas"2 and +" Conse,uences ! we e$plore consequences that will follow if the tas" is not handled correctly. While to thin" win!win is at the heart of what family is all about# it can be an incredibly hard thing to do when we are caught up in the emotion and the behaviour of the moment. We must pause between what happens to us and our response. The "ey is to connect with the earlier habits li"e "eeping our destination in mind. *lso we will e$pert a powerful influence to bring out the best in others if we act on the assumption that they are doing their best as they see it.

Habit #-: See, .irst to 3n"erstan"$$$()en to be 3n"erstoo" The fifth habit opens the floodgates of heart!to!heart family living. Before we see" to influence we must first see" to understand ! ie. diagnose before prescribing. There are two primary causes of misunderstand in a relationship we interpret the same event differently and we define the same words differently. <ur different natures and bac"grounds condition us to do this. If we could 1ust realise that there are differences between people# we could learn to ta"e it into consideration and ad1ust our e$pectations accordingly. We base our 1udgments on our e$pectations# so it is important that we clarify e$pectations. 7o much of our interaction with people is based on pre!1udice or pre! 1udgment. We interpret all the data we receive in a way that confirms our 1udgment. There are two aspects to this habit. The first# see"ing to understand is crucial because when people are yelling at each other# they basically want to be understood# but they are so emotionally charged and disrespectful of each other that they react defensiveness and with more anger ! a vicious cycle that feeds on itself. It ta"es so much effort to repair the damage that is done through yelling at each other# that it would have been much easier to practise habit #8 from the beginning ! e$ercising enough self!control and patience to listen first. ,robably the most important thing that we can do for our family is to create a warm# caring# supportive and encouraging environment ! in other words# a nurturing culture. This is difficult to do because we carry so much negative baggage from our past and negative emotions in the present. .ot see"ing to understand leads to 1udgment# re1ection and manipulation# while see"ing to understand leads to understanding# acceptance and participation. When one person becomes angry and loses control it wounds# intimidates# threatens and overpowers the other and they tend to fight bac" which compounds the problem# or they give in with a win!lose attitude. To change this cycle it we must go deep within ourselves and resolve to change the way we interact with others in the family. We need to ma"e up our minds to ac"nowledge negative tendencies# overcome them and apologise to others for them. We need to learn how to e$press our anger in more productive ways and we must decide not to be offended by others. *s we prioritise family we realise that the family is too important to let offenses "eep members from tal"ing to each other. Interdependence is hard wor". In the short!run it is easier to live independently within the family# but the real 1oys of family are lost with independent living. To really listen to others involves listening with empathy. There are five levels of listening &1' ignoring2 &3' pretend listening2 &4' selective listening2 &>' attentive listening2 and &8' empathic listening. The first four are listening from within your own frame of reference# whereas the fifth# empathic listening is listening from within the other person5s frame of reference. <ur role should be that of a faithful translator ! to translate and communicate bac" to the other person in new words the essential meaning of their communication with us. This means that before we ta"e a position on what they said# we feedbac" the essence of what we have heard. This is to ensure that we really understand them. It is helpful to as" questions to chec" for understanding. The second half of the habit involves see"ing to be understood. ! sharing the way we see the world. When we really understand people# it is much easier to communicate with them in a way in which they will understand. * "ey part of see"ing to be understood is giving feedbac" ! caring enough to confront. When we do this we must &1' ensure the feedbac" is helpful to the person2 &3' understand the person and spea" their language2 &4' separate the person from the behaviour2 &>' be sensitive and patient regarding their blind spots2 and &8' use +I+ messages. The real fruit of this habit# as with all the others# is when it becomes a consistent practise in our lives# rather than using it sporadically.

Habit #7: S'ner ise The si$th habit is the "ey to the development of genuine interdependence in the family. To synergise is to create new solutions together ! it is seen where one plus one equals three and not two. Habits number >#8 and ? wor" together as follows In order for a family to be interdependent they need to have mutual respect for one another# by thin"ing +win!win+ rather than +win!lose+. Then they need to listen to one another in order to truly understand each other# before they see" to be understood. When all parties are at the point where they are open to be taught and find new solutions# they will then be able to create new solutions that were either not possible earlier# or were not considered. The "ey to synergy is to learn to value# and even more than this# to celebrate differences. -amily members need to believe that their differences are a strength and not a wea"ness in their relationship. 7ynergy is creative teamwor"2 creative cooperation. It involves creating something new that was not there before and could not have been created if we did not celebrate the differences. The process in which synergy wor"s involves using the three habits &>#8#?' as well as the four human gifts self! awareness2 conscience2 imagination and independent will'. It also involves using habit #1 where we create a pause between what we hear and what we say in response. :ovey uses an illustration on pages 38B and 38B to show how this wor"s in practise'. When a family develops a regular practise of applying these habits they develop a healthy immune system. It helps them to deal with whatever challenges are thrown at them. * problem becomes a vaccination ! where the immune system is triggered so that you never get the full!blown disease. We can learn how to ta"e a problem# a setbac"# or fatigue and turn it into a growth e$perience that ma"es the family more capable of solving problems# of synergising. This healthy immune systems will strengthen the family against four deadly cancers that threaten family life criticising# complaining# comparing and competing. :ovey stresses a second time in this chapter how that to function synergistically all the habits must wor" together. They are not unrelated items that can be practised occasionally or independently of each other. In our family we must be functioning proactively &habit #1'2 we must be living according to our mutual mission &habit #3'2 we need to have one!on!one bonding times where we build into each other )motional Ban" *ccount &habit #4'. Then we will be ready to apply the ne$t three habits and develop creative solutions to problems that are mutually acceptable. The following e$ercise is suggested to help a family through a specific issue that needs to be resolved !" -hat is the problem from everyone.s point of vie/? This involves really listening to one another in order to understand. /a"e sure everyone e$presses their point of view to their satisfaction. &" -hat are the key issues involve$? .ow you can loo" at the problem together and identify the issues that need to be resolved. (" -hat /oul$ constitute a fully acceptable solution? It is now important to determine the result that would be a win for each person. ,ut all the criteria on the table# refine and prioritise them so everyone feels represented. )" -hat ne/ options /oul$ meet those criteria? 7ynergise around creative approaches and solutions to the issue. This process will help people to focus on the problem and the desired end result rather than their personalities and positions. Habits ># 8 and ? used together is a powerful problem!solving tool. This strategy should be used with everyday issues as well as potentially divisive and emotionally charged ones.

Habit #8: S)ar#en t)e Saw *nything left alone will disintegrate until it reaches it most elemental form ! this is called entropy. ;nless we consciously attend to our family it will become disordered and deteriorate. We must be ma"ing constant deposits into the )motional Ban" *ccount to 1ust "eep it where it is now. To improve it still further we need to find more creative deposits that we can ma"e. :ovey draws on the sharpening the saw analogy to suggest that we need to engage in regular family renewal# by creating traditions that will grow the family. He suggests the following 1$ .amil' "inner ! having a regular mealtime together is important. These are times of sharing and teaching. 2$ .amil' vacation ! the family is renewed when we plan# anticipate and ta"e a holiday. 3$ Birt)"a's ! as we create traditions around birthdays# we e$press love and affirm family members. !$ Holi"a's ! special days li"e :hristmas and )aster can be used to develop renewing traditions. -$ Inter enerational activities ! many activities lend themselves to larger family involvement. 7$ &earnin to et)er ! a shared interest should be found that family members can learn about. 8$ /ors)i##in to et)er ! this could be at corporate worship gathering or in family devotions. 9$ /or,in to et)er ! doing things around the home together. :$ Servin to et)er ! wor"ing on pro1ects together bring meaning and fulfilment. 1;$ Having fun together ! en1oying each other and the home environment. These are activities that bond# unify and renew the family socially# mentally# physically and spiritually. :ovey has one final chapter in which he draws together various insights from his different boo"s. Here is a summary of the chapter. The C habits are all about pro!activity. * family functions at one of four levels 1. S2rvival ! here it is fighting to survive economically# mentally# socially or spiritually. 3. Stabilit' ! the family moves past survival and reaches a state where it is stable and dependable. 4. S2ccessf2l ! here the family starts to accomplish worthy goals together. >. Si nificant ! here the family is involved in something meaningful outside of itself. They have a sense of stewardship and responsibility to human"ind. This is a movement from a problem!solving approach to a creating approach. To move a family from survival to significance involves four family roles 1. +o"ellin ! what our children see in us spea"s more loudly than anything we say. 3. +entorin ! this is building relationships# investing in the )motional Ban" *ccount. It is letting people "now that we care about them# and championing them. How do we do this( &a' empathise ! listen with your heart to their heart. &b' 7hare insights# learning# emotions and convictions. &c' *ffirm them with validation# appreciation and convictions. &d' ,ray for and with them. &e' 7acrifice for them. 4. 6r anisin ! the family must be organised if it is to accomplish what it is trying to do. )ffective systems and structures must be developed to help it accomplish what is truly important. This reminds us of the family mission statement that we have set and the structures to realise our mission# ie. things li"e wee"ly family time and one!on!one bonding. >. (eac)in ! this involves finding teaching moments to empower family members so they develop the internal capacity and s"ills to live effectively. :ovey spea"s of principle!centered family leadership

1. 3. 4. >.

7etting an e$ample of trustworthiness ! modelling Building relationships of respect and caring ! mentoring *ligning our structures to our mission ! organising Teaching empowering principles ! teaching

The four basic needs of humans relate to the four roles and the four unique human gifts Needs 1. To 0earn &mental' 3. To 0ive &physical=economic' 4. To 0ove &social=emotional' >. To 0eave a 0egacy &spiritual' Role Teaching <rganising /entoring /odelling Gifts Imagination Independent will 7elf!awareness :onscience

*s we model our family will see our e$ample and learn to trust us2 as we mentor they feel our unconditional love and begin to value themselves2 as we organise they experience order in their lives and they grow to trust our family structures to meet their needs2 and as we teach they hear and do and they learn to trust principles and themselves.