Welcome to the Orchestra Pit!

Good afternoon! I am your Personality Manager, and on behalf of the Opera

Company I’d like to extend a warm fuzzy Pit Orchestra welcome to all of our
returning members and the newbies, who have just recovered from the audition
process. We decided to add a little pizzazz to the auditions this year and have the
finalists jog for 5 minutes on a treadmill at 5.5 mph wearing high heels and carrying
a 45lb hard-shell cello case.

Before we start the season let’s go over a few things.

1. Electronic Devices

Before the overture begins please turn off all cell phones, game boys, pagers and
Furrbies. Their use may interfere with the wireless system transmitting the
conductor’s video to the offstage chorus members, who would rather see the
conductor than read your juicy emails. Pacemakers may be left on if you have a
note from your family doctor. Sorry, your GPS unit will not help you find your place
in the middle of Salome.

2. Pit Safety

You will notice there is no seat belt on your chair. We are counting on you to remain
seated during the show and keep your hands, feet and head inside the pit at all
times. Hopefully you’ll be warned in advance if the pit raises or lowers, but with the
company’s recently instituted cost cutting measures we may be in for a few
surprises this season.

Please be advised that the coffee served across the street at Steinbeck’s is really
hot. Third degree burns on your lips will not be covered by Worker’s Comp unless
you drank the coffee during the show.

3. Fog, Smoke, CVO’s

Some of you may remember last season when the fog rolled into pit and obscured
the conductor during Der Fleigende Hollander causing utter chaos for about fifteen
bars. To keep the opera company in compliance with ISOOSS 9001* management
has a new policy this year covering such instances. In case of Conductor Visibility
Obscurances (CVO) caused by smoke, fog, falling scrims etc. the orchestra will play
“Yellow Rose of Texas” in C major until conductor visibility has been restored. If a
CVO causes enough of a delay that overtime may occur, the conductor has the
option of skipping an aria or two OR taking them double-quick.

4. Miscellaneous Falling Objects “MFO”s

There were many issues last season with MFO’s landing in the pit. Management has
ordered large portable kennels, used for transporting the wayward bears who end
up hanging around Forest Service Campgrounds, from the Coconino County
Sheriff’s department. Each cellist and bassist and his/her instrument will be seated
inside a kennel. These kennels are strong enough to withstand the impact of a
400lb MFO. Everyone else in the pit will be issued a company hard hat in basic
black with the orchestra logo on the back in reflective paint and a miner’s lamp on
the front.
Above all seats marked with a yellow X there are a 200 lb TV monitor anchored to
the wall of the pit with a couple of bungee cords. If the monitor falls on your head
during a service, please be assured that Worker’s Comp will cover all your medical
bills and funeral expenses except for the keg at the wake. However, your
instrument is not covered so hold it out of the way. As you are carried out of the pit
please leave your opera part on what’s left of your music stand so someone else
can play it.

We have been advised that occasionally jewelry, watches or other valuables fall off
patrons leaning over the pit. Any of these MFO’s which land on your person or your
instrument is yours to keep. After having them appraised please declare them as
“tip income” on your IRS 1040 and your AZ 140.

5. Solo Pay Parity

The International Conference of Special Orchestra (ICSO) SOPC (Solo Occurrence

Parity Committee) has historically speaking, instrumental solos have been assigned
in a very discriminatory fashion. Why should the concertmaster play 90% of the
solos? Beginning this season, all instrumental solos, as well as the corresponding
bonus pay, will be allocated on a rotating basis. In order to have string/wind parity,
the list will alternate between strings (in descending order from high to low) and
winds (in ascending order low to high, with percussion sprinkled periodically
throughout). So in order:

Concertmaster

Tuba

Principal 2nd violin

2nd trombone

Principal Viola

Bass drum

Principal Cello

1st trombone

Principal Bass

4th horn

Etc

Obviously the wind players can ignore the bowings in the violin solos. Players of
untuned percussion instruments can even ignore the pitches. Please note that this
schedule includes solos played from the pit as well as those played offstage. As a
percussionist, I’m looking forward to hearing the “Humming Chorus” from Madame
Butterfly played on the bass drum.

*Int’l Symphony Orchestra & Opera Safety Standards 9001

6. Dress and other matters

Folks, this is not Texas and those behind you can’t see the conductor over your Big
Hair. So please, ease up on the teasing and spraying, forget the retro-beehive look
and the spikes and just do some fairly flat hair. To reduce glare from the pit,
anyone tonsorially challenged will be issued a can of black spray paint before the
first show unless they choose to wear the black company hard hat.

We’ve had some complaints about orchestra members using copious amounts of
scented body lotions and cologne. Please use a very light hand with these toiletries.
Not everyone is enamored of “Eau de Kick-ass BBQ Sauce”.

Basic orchestra black is our dress; no slogans advertising liquor, cigarettes or pool
halls on the shirts; and please no rhinestones or sequins; they reflect the glare.
Black sleeveless blouses are okay but just for the ladies.

7. Librarian’s notes

Last season we had an inordinate number of printing errors in the orchestra parts.
We are truly sorry for the sloppy printing in much of the music, especially the rental
parts. Management has determined that due to the economic downturn they are
not able to rent higher-quality parts so this year we are encouraging players to pore
over their parts with a fine tooth comb and find the mistakes before rehearsals
start. A Gift Certificate for Steinbeck’s Coffee will be issued to anyone finding a
mistake in their part. Limit of one certificate per person. You may also use your Gift
Certificate for a discount on glasses at any optometry practice advertising in the
opera program.

8. Parking

If you must leave your car in the tow-away zone near the loading dock to carry in
your baggage, please don’t leave your contrabassoon in the car unless you can sing
the part. By the time you hitch a ride to the city auto impound lot and get your car
out of hock you’ll probably have missed your entrance.

That’s it for now-so let’s all have a great season! Remember to keep a smile on your
face, a song in your heart and the rhinestone tiara in your closet until the Opera
Ball.