Copyright Robert Breeze 2013

Published by Palace Park Press, 2013. The right of Robert Breeze to be identified as the Author of the Work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. This book is sold subject to the condition it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise be circulated in any form or by any means, electronic or otherwise without the publishers prior consent. Cover artwork by Chandler Book Design

ISBN 978-1-909121-15-7
TWITTER: @ROBERTBREEZE FACEBOOK: THE CHRONICLES OF HOPE WWW.THECHRONICLESOFHOPE.COM

Palace Park Press

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CONTENTS
1. God Help Us Sun 1 2. The Rule of Seventy 10 3. A Fleeting Meet 22 4. Lesson of the Gods 31 5. Carmela 44 6. Moody Monikers 50 7. Breach of the Peace 59 8. Luxurious Ice Cream Tub 71 9. Rays Steady Moustache 80 10. Therapeutic Fire 89 11. Self Abuse 103 12. Breakneck Breakfast 117 13. Romantic Meal for Three 132 14. Self-Loving 142 15. Love Monster 154 16. Expedition Trepidation 171 17. Love Be Thy Faith 183 18. Nigel and the Giant Orange 193 19. Papa Does Preach 200 20. Ali Kerfuffle 210 21. Ti Tak The Bree Wi The Barm 218 22. Thats Entertainment 235 23. Project Hush 243 24. Cagey Logistics 255 25. Waxing Lyrical 265 26. Sentimental Musings 284 27. Divine Delusions 294

- ONE -

GOD HELP US SUN

Frank Noon wasnt the most articulate of men. He was a fiercely intelligent, visionary thinker possessing many of the qualities that had been lacking for so long in British politicians most notably honesty, integrity and character. But he could swear like a punk rocker. He was a strong man, outwardly and inwardly. Standing just over six feet tall, he was the archetype of tall, dark and handsome. His strong frame showed off the best aspect of his outer strength: a good looking, physically fit man with a well-groomed body established over several years of gruelling daily training. His favourite sport was boxing and his regimented fitness regime drew a lot from that passion. His inner strength was moulded by years of fighting against and alongside the predictable views of the robotic face fitters fasttracked from public schools into the House of Commons. Frank himself came through the state education system and was stoically proud of the fact. Hed been the elected Labour MP for a small constituency in North Oxfordshire for some twenty years and he regularly experienced intense frustration as he fought to create change from within. In truth, the insipid British political system ensured that Frank was never a viable political option in mainline politics, his revolutionary thoughts on society deemed certain to alienate the masses. Satisfied that his intellect and aptitude saw that he was respected privately by a great many of his political peers, thoughts of quitting the political arena had nevertheless recently crossed his mind.
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His latest gripe was the worlds increasing obsession with climate change, the environment and everything green. A topically popular subject this may well be, and a sure vote-winner across a large demographic, but Frank didnt subscribe to its merits. This was highlighted to many during his recent speech at a conference of all the frontline political parties regarding climate change. Frank had never before had the opportunity to speak at such great length in the House of Commons, his stoic nature translating badly to his peers and the electorate. Blissfully unaware of the process behind the decision to allow him a voice, Frank had been preparing his rhetoric for days, determined to craftily use this opportunity to address wider issues. Practice in front of a mirror at home the night before was abandoned when his vanity turned it into an arduous task, so instead he briefed the youngest of his three daughters to be his Commons speaker. Frank had never been the best public speaker, and by the time his moment came he was visibly nervous and fumbling, his written guide only staying in his hands due to the adhesive qualities of his moist palms. There are a number of points Id like to make on the subject of climate change, and the worlds ever increasing compulsion to direct most of its resources towards combating it, he said, enunciating every syllable with great care to ensure the utmost clarity. There are three key questions you should be addressing. Is global warming the threat you should be worrying about? How has it become an issue? What does the future entail? In addressing the first of those Id argue that its probably a little over-hyped. Yes its clearly a valid problem but are you talking about a threat to the human race or a threat to the planet? Theyre two very separate issues. Lets start scientifically, as we always should, and note that global warming is simply the climate changing. As climate change alters environments, pressures will be exerted on technology to preserve them, but unlike in biological evolution, the progress thats made anywhere is instantly available everywhere. This yields an evolutionary feedback loop directly proportional to the extent of the pressure, which could only be overwhelmed by pressures so extreme
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and rapid that the foundations of civilisation are destroyed before progress has time to cycle. He risked his first glance at the audience and forcibly upped the tone and volume of his voice to signal the onset of the crux of his argument. Heres the key point: virtually everyone in the scientific community acknowledges this worst-case scenario will not happen; there is a complete lack of evidence that it will happen; and the notion that the laws of the universe so precisely conspire against us that disaster strikes at exactly the time in human history just before we could deal with it, is preposterous. Global warming is simply the climate changing and, as it does, well evolve and adapt. Thats by far the most likely scenario, according to the experts, according to science, so most of you here breathe a big sigh of relief. Going forward you people can consider climate change and react accordingly in order to combat potential problems for example Im told that natural climate change may lead to more flooding over the next hundred years, so you lot can get experts on board and react accordingly to things like that. Frank stopped temporarily to find his breath and assess his audiences reaction. Noting the thoughtful though Frank disdainfully amused and confused silence from his peers in the room, he continued unabated. Me, Im not as self-important; I dont really care about the future of the human race. These people who bang on about saving the planet, its not the planet they want to save, the planet doesnt need saving, theyre concerned solely with preserving the planet so the human race lives on and on, a massive distinction that people fail to make. It must be. China are without doubt the biggest investors in everything green yet at the same time its hunger for raw materials is the most destructive force being exerted on the environment worldwide. That paradox and hypocrisy must confirm that its definitely the future of the human race youre concerned about and not the future of the planet as some self-righteous environmentalists would have us believe. Dont feel guilty about admitting this fact, because the planets going to be absolutely fine regardless. The planets been here for four billion odd years, us only for 200,000 years or so, so I think we can conclude
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that 200 years of industrialisation wont threaten a planet thats been through disasters and natural scientifically verifiable phenomena that we barely understand. So, if you can accept that your desire to save the human race is entirely selfish and not anything to do with our precious planet I can give you a few tips. Global warming has been managed appallingly by the worlds leaders over the years but regardless there are more immediate threats to the human race, very real and consistent threats to world peace. They mostly stem from conflicts around the world caused by that oh so fictional hypothesis, religion. Nowadays notions of power and greed might motivate the conflicts and wars equally, but undeniably over the years more people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason. If the masses believe in something fictional and it makes them happy, and easier for you to control them, then I see why youre happy to perpetuate the myth but when this fictional thing threatens the whole of humanity surely you should be saying enoughs enough? If the future of the human race is so precious to you then I dont understand why youre concentrating so much on global warming when the religious, extremist, terrorist threat combined with the advances in weaponry were likely to see over the next hundred years, and the rise of Russia and China are all winning the race quite comfortably. Which do you really think is more of an immediate threat to the future of the human race, greenhouse gases or nuclear bombs? If I were you, Id think about how you can eliminate and educate against these threats. It really wouldnt be hard to do, the material is right there for you. Over two hundred years ago now a genius, Charles Darwin, came along and scientifically proved that were here not because we were magically created, but because we evolved. Two hundred odd years on, and millions of us around the world are still ignoring it. The government of the time could and should have acted upon that information, but it didnt. Every government since could have acted upon that information, but they havent. Weve been afforded these great, complicated, intricate minds, we couldve been such worthy beings, and yet weve completely squandered that gift, weve let ourselves be controlled by things like religion and superstition. Its embarrassing
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and its why I no longer have much care for mankind. Your answers probably called Humanism you know. Try brainwashing people into that as you did with religion, he spat, each you, delivering the word more venomously with every utterance.. You could encourage an honest society based on intelligent, scientific reasoning rather than fiction and perpetuate simply the correct and proper view that we can make sense of the world using reason, experience and share human values andthat we can live good lives without religious or superstitious beliefs. Itd be such a step forward in human civilisation His voice was now cracking, leading to an uncomfortable pause as he took a breath and tried to bite some moisture into his lips. The pause allowed the Speaker of the House to interject and politely remind Frank that time was a pressing issue. Ill plough on, for those of you still brainwashed and panicking about the planet being under threat, how has it become an issue and why the planet is under some pressure. That word why. The one we never consider and yet the one we should ask most regularly, all of us, every single day. We deduce that the planets under pressure and our solution is to recycle more? The solution should be to ask why the planets under pressure and get to the root cause. Ive obviously been bored lately so Ive done this and I can reveal that the two root causes are overpopulation combined with our relentless obsession with material goods. Its obvious how overpopulation pressurises the planets resources, but essentially the pursuit of goods and the energy used by these goods is what is exhausting the planets resources. Again, to get to the root cause we have to ask why, so lets put the latest gadget down and do just that. Essentially its capitalism, marketing, advertising and the media. The key to life is happiness, everyone subscribes to that, but over the last hundred years or so weve been brainwashed into thinking that the acquisition of material goods is what leads to happiness. That belief is now driving societies all around the world, including China, India, and increasingly in the third world. It really doesnt for the majority of people, certainly not when you reach a certain level of comfort that most of us have in the developed world. Changing that belief is what will release the
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pressure valve on the planet, and hey, maybe you could all save a few quid a year on bags for life as well. Order, order! shouted the Speaker of the House. The dissidents, mainly from the opposition party, rightfully pointed to the change of subject as contravening house rules. The speaker showed Frank the respect of letting him continue largely because of a thinly veiled plea outside had just enough of a hint of a threat about it to ensure compliance. Ill carry on, what does the future entail? If the major change thats needed is deemed too provocative and visionary for the worlds leaders to take then there are two clear paths I think it could take. One is towards war, destruction, repression and the like, and its one thats not particularly cheery but by far the most likely. If youre an optimist however, not like me, then there is another path you could take, the key to which is education. You shouldnt have to be rich to get an education and our priority should be educating every single person to a higher standard now so that well reap the rewards in the future. Weve got to stop going for the quick-fix option, realise we cant change things significantly for this generation or the next, and concentrate instead on educating people worldwide. Putting that in place now could be your legacy. Alongside this global education policy, we could direct our resources into making sure the third world develops, that no one struggles for the basic needs of food and water. Currently were obsessed with trying to preserve the planet for future generations when we havent even sorted out the current generation. Droughts have been causing famines in Africa for years and weve turned a blind eye, yet as soon as we get a slightly warmer summer here we panic, worry and obsess about things like plastic bags. Consider all the disadvantaged people and the homeless in the developed world. Consider all the poverty in the third world. Instead of ploughing money into preserving the planet, how about we make sure that as many people as possible on this planet now can live free from abject poverty? We need to advocate sweeping and necessary social change. These solutions are longterm but they are your only options. Educated people would realise that
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long term therell either be a world without war or there wont be a world, at least not as we know it. There was still no visible response or movement in the room, and as he approached the last page of his notes he decided to put down his notes and ad-lib, desperate to try and provoke some kind of response from the House. So, what do I think will happen? I suspect that youll choose to ignore the scientific evidence on subjects like this in favour of blindly following the prescribed brainwashed path; a path carved out by politicians obsessed with vote-winning thoughts, a path that green taxes pay for, and a path inevitably leading to the elites levying global taxes. Im not saying we shouldnt be green and do what we can, recycle where possible et cetera, et cetera. Of course we should do that. What Im saying is that there are far more immediate and pressing problems that we should be concentrating on. People that say things about climate change leading to an irreversible and dangerous new era, let me assure you Earth the planet, the awe-inspiring, amazing planet thats been through earthquakes, volcanoes, natural disasters and ice ages it will be absolutely fine, itll evolve and adapt. The human race might not be fine but you know what, maybe weve had our chance and ruined it, maybe we should let another species have a shot. If you really cared about the planet then your hope would probably be that the human race is wiped out soon before we develop even more powerful technology and weaponry that wed use to cause even more destruction. If you really wanted to finally treat the planet with a little respect then lets stop this arrogance of seeing ourselves as these allconquering beings that preserve the planet for our own species by riding roughshod over it and manipulating nature. And who are we to be messing with it anyway? Things evolve, species die out. As this planet evolves, maybe animals or other species, possibly more advanced robotic species, or bacteria, will prosper. There was an age of reptiles, now its the age of primates, maybe next itll be the age of insects or rodents, and maybe its time they had a go considering were the only species on earth that murder and torture our own species and other species, and sexually abuse our young.
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Frank was now sporadically mopping his brow, beads of sweat threatening to surf down the bridge of his nose as he edged towards his conclusion. And also no one ever takes into account the uncertainty of it all. We dont really know what will happen. Maybe a meteorite will wipe out the human race in two hundred years time. What happens when we get a virus that is both airborne and deadly? Or a bacteria thats resistant to all currently existing drugs? Anyway to conclude, you people here with power, you have to realise that the survival of your species is a fragile matter at this point. Im just lying back here watching the show but youre not going to have long to make this decision for the sake of the survival of your species. Somebody observing all this from another planet would not put very high odds on human survival. I think one day history might see all this as a big joke, that humans didnt really do much for about 250,000 years, but then for a thousand years my god did they screw things up. Who knows, maybe if we carry on down this path with such a ridiculous divide between rich and poor then the rich might even start breeding their own super-race whilst everyone else is left behind, itd almost literally be like a giant form of super-rat taking over Earth. As for the general public and anyone alive now watching, please know that theres nothing to fear. There is definite scientific uncertainty about the speed of the change, but even if you said it was fifty times faster than we thought, that still wouldnt significantly affect the planet in the next few hundred years by which time youll be long gone, and anyone you feel a vague connection to will be long gone too. It might sound clinical, but people mustnt be scared to realise that these are by far the most likely scenarios. You only live once, so just quit worrying about the future. People worry about everything now, everything all the time. Live your life now to the full. He muttered his last sentence with intense resignation and the Commons speaker hurriedly wrapped up the session without response, leaving Frank to suspect hed been deliberately stationed as the last to speak. The immediate aftermath involved Frank berating himself on the bus home for what he perceived to be a sub-standard performance on his big stage. He guessed that hed made far too many
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points to make each one seem worthwhile, and also rued how far offtrack he went in arguing against the very virtues of human life. Frank being Frank was just as perturbed when he saw himself on the news later that night and noted that one of his sideburns was longer than the other. In the days that followed, his party decided to publicly distance itself from his musings, with leading politicians referring to his views as fanciful and misguided a standpoint that fitted nicely alongside Franks venture into the world of the robot and super-rat. They used a couple of threats received towards Frank from religious extremists to try and convince him that their tactics were in his best interests. In truth, Frank was acutely aware that such levels of change would never be risked in any political climate. Hed started to content himself with just the opportunity hed had to air his views, convinced more than ever that he was now a man destined never to be appreciated in his own time.

- TWO -

THE RULE OF SEVENTY

It was early August in 2082, two weeks on from Franks controversial speech. Though it had made little difference to the public perception of Britains politicians, with the media hardly allocating any time to the climate change conference, the British publics faith in their politicians was at an all-time low. The landscape of British politics had changed little in decades and, having endured over a hundred years of alternating political parties but continuous scandals, Frank was still outraged at the lack of change these dishonours had facilitated in the British political system. Each party in turn had childishly discarded policies previously implemented, regardless of the fact that their policies and personalities now intertwined to such an extent that the House of Commons resembled the aftermath of an Eton shoot-out using cloning guns. There was now perceived to be zero choice for the proletariat and, in protest at the recent general election, the newly formed antiestablishment political party The Jedi Warriors received 10% of a shabby overall turnout. Frank at least offered something different, and it was something the public had latched onto with affection, facilitating leading politicians to use their man of the people for his wit, lateral thinking and affinity with the working classes. Frank had never presupposed the consistent link between a scandal breaking and him being central to the cover-up. It was off the back of a recent such scandal, unimaginatively dubbed cash-for-sex, that his seniors had offered him his chance on stage as a sweetener.
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As Frank awoke that hazy summer day, he went through his meticulous daily routine, laced as it was with more than a hint of obsessive compulsive disorder. Shower followed by shave, teeth brushed whilst putting his tie on, suit on top to bottom, right sock on before left. Routine completed, he started to mentally prepare for the mysterious meeting hed been summoned to that morning his angst at the current political climate meaning he couldnt risk playing out such meetings in a spontaneous manner. He strode downstairs to find a considerable obstacle on the bottom step. Oh Floydy-boy, there he is! Emily, Floyd needs walking! he bellowed back up the stairs. Floyd was a huge St. Bernard who created enough saliva daily to fill a well. Frank was a huge animal lover, often gushing about the virtues of animal over human life, and had always sought a huge dog. Since the death of his wife Jane and employment of his gallant older sister Judy, hed jumped at the opportunity to add Floyd to their family. After two minutes of checking locks and appliances, Frank then plugged in his iPod only to be confronted in the mirror by one of his consistently recurring bugbears. The visible reddening of his cheeks and puffy head-shake belied the nature of a man who always preached perspective. Jess, you still here? Jess! he called. Yes Dad, Ive got to go, got one of those weird online class things at 9 and you still havent fixed my iTeacher, she replied whilst hotfooting it down the stairs. Like Ive got the ability to do that! You got any spare headphones, the wireless ones? These bloody things, theyre only coming out of one ear. Happens with every pair after about a month is this not a problem manufacturers can address? Dad, its probably your hairy ears pummelling them into submission. I havent got any spare, no. Then let us borrow yours? No! she shouted playfully. Go on, just for the day. No, Dad, youll ruin them.
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Alright, here yare then, take this can you pick up some new ones at lunch? he asked, thrusting cash into his daughters hand. Its the least you can do, that virtual doctor thing in the bathroom just told me Im showing symptoms of heart disease, thats just what you want to hear isnt it whilst youre half asleep brushing your teeth. We need to get rid of that thing; it makes you paranoid about everything. And Dad, 20?! There is a link between cheapness of electrical goods and longevity you know, I dont know if Ill have time. Go on, thanks sweetie, keep the change! he said before dashing out of the door. Half an hour later Frank arrived at the government offices, to find himself half an hour early. Never one to value the quality of his dietary requirements, he went to the nearby McDonalds for a suspiciously moist bagel. It was there that his mind started to race for the first time since the meeting was arranged. Frank had always exercised a strict thought-editing process and, being a seasoned realist, never let them fancifully speculate. There were enough variables present though to fight through his thought barrier. The list of attendees for the meeting was confusing, and with most of his parliamentary meetings now conducted by conference call the face to face aspect hinted at more serious business. He questioned himself, dwelling on what anti-groups he might have upset recently. He concluded the possibilities to be too great to evaluate before preparing himself for the worst-case scenario a sacking contemplating that he could probably survive with money from Janes death to tide him over and that it would allow him to care for the kids for a while. This is ridiculous! Sort yourself out, he told himself firmly before catching a last glimpse in the mirror and leaving a restaurant that he himself had previously termed a sweat-pit. Ten minutes later and, after winning his ongoing battle with the fingerprint recognition door, he walked into the government offices, entering into his usual frolicsome banter with the ageing West Indian lady on reception. He entered the lift with a relaxed smirk, yet by the time he got out he had suffered yet more headphonerelated stress as his bag caught on the wire of his spare headphones and ripped both out of his ears.
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For fucks sake! cursed Frank as he tried to rearrange his setup, before noticing his startled colleague Tim was in front of him. My god, is there anything more annoying than that?! I bet most of the violent criminals in this country have had their headphones ripped out of their ear at one point or another Tim, how you doing? Sorry Im good, Frank, replied Tim with a chuckle, before ushering him into a room to be met by two crisply dressed men and a sternly madeup woman. Frank immediately tried to engage in friendly conversation with Keith Baldus, a newcomer to the political ranks who hed only met once before. Also present was Diane, a vague acquaintance, five years Franks senior and a woman who reminded him of a strict dinner lady hed antagonised throughout secondary school. The other man had the air of a security guard about him, and before Frank could informally do it himself, Keith jumped into a formal introduction of everyone present. Hi Frank, as you know Im Keith Baldus and, along with my colleagues Tim, Diane, and Alistair here, were fronting a revolutionary new project, initially just on a trial basis. Frank, we all value you as an MP as you always bring a different view to the table. Diane here and many others think youre a bit of a genius. Youve come up with the goods on projects in the past which have saved us all. Not forgetting my IQ score of course, said Frank, mock disdain obvious in his voice. Frank, to stop beating about the bush, wed like you to lead our project, and think its one that even you might not have come up with. Go on, the project is? Hear me out, sighed Keith. Youre aware that for some time now its been apparent that there are many planets where life could capably exist in our galaxy. Actually, at the last estimate, there are well over five hundred million planets that could support life in our galaxy. We think its time we moved civilisation forward and started to utilise some of those. What?! How about moving civilisation forward by not perpetuating the myth that we all answer to an invisible man in the
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sky; dyou not think thats an easier start? And also its impossible isnt it, you cant travel that quick can you? Im shit at science but I thought even my basic grasp was right there, snapped Frank. Tim then cut in to explain that the craft they were proposing would be equipped with the latest synthetic gravity-well technology and basically thrusts a huge amount of energy around the ship, which then manipulates the space-time in such way that it would push the ship, like a sewing needle, through the resulting warped curvature at a velocity which was faster than the speed of light. Its almost like space moves around the ship, apparently, added Keith. A few years ago, we found a series of dwarf planets that are habitable for human life. With these new crafts, we can now get there in about a week. You know weve also been discussing overpopulation recently, you acknowledged it only last week in your speech, that its the root cause of a lot of the issues were facing a One of the root causes interrupted Frank. Keith went on to explain that the number of people wasnt sustainable, with strong reference to a recent study predicting that Britains population would reach the One Hundred Million mark by the year 2120. Frank listened intently, the expression on his face seemingly changing on each word he heard. I think theres many a way of dealing with overpopulation without having to somehow kick people off the planet! he said, with a semilaugh indicating he wasnt close to taking the situation seriously. Its not just that is it, though Frank? The technical banning of alcohol that were going to try and creep in will have a long-term impact on life expectancy, and were coming under increasing pressure from the UN to allow more immigration over here due to the atrocities happening in Korea and the Middle East. No one deserves to live in that hell. Combine that with the fact that were now so close to a cancer cure with specialised stem cells, that scientists can now just about grow more complex organs such as the liver and pancreas, and that genes can be used to slow ageing and you must see the scale of this issue. With less people on Earth itd make everything far more sustainable and also ease the pressure on the planet. Its been a bit of a mess in deciding exactly where this project is going and
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who we want involved, but there are certain people in our society who cannot be trusted and are a threat to the rest of the population. Youre an intelligent man, so Im sure you see where this is going. But be assured this isnt by way of punishment, its just in the hope of rehabilitating your lot. I genuinely dont see where this is going, replied Frank sincerely. An astonished Frank then listened on as Keith tried to enlighten him, starting first with the minor details, that the planet they had bought went by the name of Planet Muta. He was then told that the star that Muta orbits is almost identical to the Sun, and that it takes about the same amount of time for Muta to complete one rotation on its axis. This, he explained, allowed any inhabitants to stay on more or less the same time zone as the Earths population. Frank sat rubbing his face as he was then informed that theyd been preparing the planet for some time and that on large areas of land, water and electricity were all set up and ready to utilise. The revelation that, in time, maybe we could own several of these planets didnt even seem to register, and the inflammatory assertions that they saw it all as the way forward, the way of advancing human civilisation and improving the standard of living for generations to come, didnt even ignite a spark. Frank, we know how you embrace the need for human civilisation to move forward and thats why wed love you to oversee this. Ive got to stress that it would just be temporary, to get things in order and off the ground. Frank, Tim will now tell you how the machine that hes devised works. Tim, a scrawny man whose beard looked far too thick for his otherwise gaunt face, went on to inform Frank that over the last few years hed been working with the government and had devised a machine which assessed the personalities of every person in the country. He said that the assessment is deduced from the subjects DNA combined with a cutting edge remote personality examination incorporating all other known information about a particular person and all conducted by one machine. Franks initial shocked paralysis contorted into anger by this misuse of DNA overly totalitarian governmental procedures being one of his long-standing major gripes.
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Sorry, is this serious? Genuinely? We cant start DNA and personality testing every member of the human race talk about nanny state to the extreme! And bought? Like China and the US? Great examples to follow! Its not just their thoughts Frank, its their personalities and actions. We were beaten to the punch by the USA and China on the first two habitable planets. Both of those countries have been operating this system for the last couple of years, and its been successful. We were obviously against it in principle at first, as I imagine you will be, but it works perfectly. No, not at all! Ive always said if in doubt, lets follow the USA and Chinas lead, especially where questionable human rights practices are concerned, lets censor our internet like China as well! spat Frank. Keith then went on to explain that the planet was about 10,000 kilometres in diameter and the size, mass, density, surface, atmosphere and orbit are all similar enough to Earths to ensure the transition should be as smooth as possible. Franks affected state was such that his science lesson wasnt happening. The news that the parts of Mutas surface they were intending to populate had a temperature variation that averaged at about 60 degrees Fahrenheit wasnt penetrating his shaking head. Neither was the information that his settlement was only about 1 square kilometre in size. And, this is important Frank, its not just because we consider these people a problem. I know you may think that this all seems controlling and inhumane, but the plan is to genuinely help these people and reform them before allowing them to be flown back to Earth and rejoin society. Furthermore, we havent chosen anyone who has children to go to Muta as wed feel that unfair, said Keith. What? What the fuck are you going on about? This is ridiculous, youre genuinely serious arent you? This personality machine, what kind of people exactly? Is this like that case a few months back where that guy was convicted of murder because a machine read his mind and said he had experiential knowledge of the murder scene? Its fucking beyond scandalous, its unbelievable. No its not like that at all, we discussed it, Frank: what people would we want to rehabilitate? Criminals, murderers, convicted rapists,
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repeat-offenders, and people like that, theyre predictable, and a lot are already being managed and rehabilitated through imprisonment. Tim mentioned that with his remote personality examination he was able to look way deeper than anything that had been developed so far. It can be set so that it pinpoints the most damaging members of society, people with certain afflictions, people with challenging and contradictory parts to their personality, things like that, theyre all fed in. So thats what weve done and itll help to wean out problematic members of society before they offend, things like that. I know youll think its ludicrous, wrong, far-fetched and probably laughably absurd, but weve got to do something about the population problem and China and the USA with similar overcrowding problems have already started utilising other planets where life could thrive. We had to act quickly, but as its still in an experimental phase, we should be looking to run a trial for just three months initially. Its not going to make much of a dent on the population problem we know, but we just want to see how the personality machine works, and how you get on up there really and it truly is about rehabilitation. Jesus fuckin Christ! said Frank, each syllable produced with a disbelieving chuckle. So after three months I work my therapeutic magic, of which I have none, and which Im completely unqualified to do, and then what? They return to Earth, thus the population problem is no different? Its not going to help the population problem initially, no; and anyhow, the machines only weeded out the most extreme examples so itll only be thirty or forty going. As I said, its just an experiment and well see where we go from there, directions we take, options available to us upon their return, maybe expand the scheme. And as I said, Im not a therapist so Im not the one to be rehabilitating people. Frank youre unique. You mix in circles with some characters like this, theyd Characters like this? You patronising No Frank I mean they respect you and that we have great faith in your leadership abilities. You could chat to them, manage them, do it as you see fit. You should be perfectly safe, there are no criminals
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in your lot, and youll be your own boss Frank, its a great challenge, and one that will be rewarding, both financially and emotionally. Oh, youve also got a therapist at your disposal as well. Frank was now staring blankly at his shoes and only managed to raise his head halfway towards eye contact with his response. What dyou mean therapist? he said. The machine we use to conduct our remote examinations has selected a therapist for us so youll be able to utilise her as best you see fit. Weve also got a chef, a scientist and a doctor the doctor actually is Dr Scope, I think youve met him before? So between you I should think youll be able to cope with most situations. Anyway, I know its a lot to take in but just have a think about it. The amount of money created by potentially easing the pressure on society in future, through temporarily taking harmful elements of the population out of the equation, is great. Money-wise were able to offer you one million pounds to preside over life on Muta for the first three months, the payment mainly conditional on a confidentiality agreement, as obviously we dont want anything leaked we still dont know where were going with this yet. Again, weve used Americas lead for the town name, but instead of the suffix ville, ours will be tons. Theyre just working names by the way, until we officially open them. The trial settlement will be known as Clashton, the clash part depicting that itll be full of people who have clashing personalities, Keith said enthusiastically. Ingenuous stuff, really top-notch. So you can guarantee me that you wont just farm people away from their partners, families and away from their homes? How will they be reintegrated back into society after? How long have you been planning this for clearly quite some time as youve established water and power and youve just built a town, anything else? This is ridiculous. The answers Frank sought were that the government had been building the town for the last couple of years or so and that it was currently the only one on Muta. In addition to it being an experiment in sending people away to be rehabilitated, they still didnt yet know how theyd take it forward upon their return. Keith then tentatively suggested that theyd really value Franks opinions as to how to look
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at this project long-term, alongside a reassurance that the families of the people involved would be looked after and not put through any undue stress. Frank was overcome and fully aware hed be unable to rationalise his thoughts for some time. Keith went into more detail about the numbers of people there and methods of contact, but Frank didnt hear any of it, his mind was now racing about potential conclusions. The next thing he heard was that they would give him a week to decide as they wanted him to be on Muta in time for the final people to arrive. With that, Frank his nature having been morphed by shock into one of quiet and polite compliance left to return home. Over the next week, Frank experienced an overwhelming number of emotions and felt constantly under pressure to make his lifechanging decision. Initially he completely dismissed it and, troubled by how the government seemed so sure that he wouldnt immediately blow the whistle on the whole project, speculated a thousand ways in which he could reveal their plans to the public. He was a naturally paranoid man and such questions meant he slept little over the course of the week. Did the government simply require a political gopher to lead the project? Was he the convenient pawn given the storm caused by his latest outburst? Either way, he concluded that the considerable wage for three months work was a mark of governmental uncertainty over the project and the need to keep it confidential, rather than a glowing reference as to his abilities and worth. Bugging him most was the suspicion that he didnt know the governments true motives, having learnt to never take anything they said at face value. Over the course of the following week he unsuccessfully tried to dig further, several times trying to contact Keith to get answers as to the numerous questions that kept popping into his head. Every time Keith had been busy. If it was a plan on Keiths part, it seemed to work, as the more Frank dwelt, the more serious consideration he gave to a positive response. In many ways he was yearning for a new challenge, having recently concluded that he was at a career crossroads. He had long realised that his efforts to change things in a significant manner were doomed, and quite frankly he was sick of banging his head against
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an immovably thick wall made up of side-parted bricks and silver spoons. The realisation dawned on him that, even if he was powerless to stop the project happening, at least he could try and ensure firsthand that it remained only at the experimentation stage. As always, it was his family that proved pivotal to the decision he had to make. He concluded that, personally, if he were the only consideration in the decision, he would have rejected the offer. The scheme was stoically against his principles and he thought it morally appalling. He suspected that most of these people were not in need of reform, and even if they were then he was certainly not the person best qualified to administer it. The financial rewards were the cause of most of his confusion, which was ironic for one so opposed to the importance of such a commodity. He had never been very good with his money, and ever since he received his first paycheque hed developed a habit of spending the bulk of his wages immediately, thriving on the struggle and challenge of then scrimping his way through the rest of the month. The only thing that changed was what he spent his money on; where it had previously been socialising and tat off eBay, now it was his family and charity. He had never aspired to be rich and his spending habits were often a subconscious ploy to avoid this. He harboured a deep distaste rather than jealousy for the rich and particularly for those who didnt help the poor. He constantly preached that health, friends and love were more important than money and insisted that as soon as your family is comfortable you should seek to help those in real need in the third world. There lay his dilemma the fact that his family werent yet financially secure. Since the tragic death of his wife Jane from cancer two years before, his family had become his priority. His heart was telling him to snub the offer, as it would mean being away from his family for three months. His head though was telling him to accept. After all the million pounds would go a long way towards providing for his family for life. His daughters were now also all of adult age 18, 20 and 22 the symmetry in their even-numbered ages perfect for one with a number- based OCD affliction like Frank. He also had a good carer
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in the form of his older sister Judy, someone who his girls respected and he trusted implicitly. He paid her a good wage, one which he felt was fully justified with her being a housekeeper, child minder and dog minder rolled into one. The final factor in his decision proved to be a conversation a few weeks earlier with one of his oldest friends, Carl. Carl was a friend who could shoot the breeze with Frank on an even keel when it came to madcap theories and musings. Frank had confided to Carl that he was thinking about resigning as an MP. Carl offered up one of his simple life rules, the rule of 70. It comprised of asking himself whether hed regret not taking any opportunity or making a certain decision when aged 70. If so, then he reasoned that he should take the plunge. Frank liked the simplicity and concision of the rule of 70 enough to put his confused eggs into that basket and in applying the rule to his current situation Frank concluded that there were enough factors present for a sense of regret to develop; most notably the challenge, the money and the potential for the first time in his life to directly influence people in the higher echelons of government. Decision purposefully made, he set about informing those that mattered that he was due to live and work abroad for the next few months, and started to refocus his mind on how to make the best of the challenge ahead. He fought against all his natural instincts and instead forced himself into the mind-set to do a good job, and consoled his conscience with the fact that he could directly try and guarantee that life on Muta was as fair and pleasant an environment as possible for all those involved. Having got the backing of his family, he was actually approaching the trip to Muta with genuine enthusiasm as he boarded the spacecraft, not allowing himself to consider the absurdity of it all for the sake of his sanity. It was a mindset that was severely tested by a week-long flight that involved several tumultuous clashes between his beloved dog and the crews vet which had also apparently been selected by remote profiling.

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- THREE -

A FLEETING MEET
Frank had been in Clashton for a week now, and had spent most of it staring disbelievingly at the introductory assignment pack hed found upon his arrival. The last two weeks had been a blur that made Frank question the whole notion of reality, and on an almost daily basis hed sat reading aloud to Floyd the first two sentences of his introductory pack: Your town is Clashton and your assignment is to manage people with challenging and contradictory personalities. These are people who have been picked out by our personality machine for the unpredictable and conflicting natures of their personality. By his own internal evaluation, he was struggling. He was struggling get the attention of the new residents of Clashton, let alone manage them and many were fiery characters ignited by the perceived injustice surrounding their removal from the general population. He had also learned more about the project; and the more he learned, the more he realised that his gut instinct was correct that the whole project was barbaric, morally reprehensible and open to misapplication. That he was also already missing his daughters only added to his emotional turmoil. Due later that day was the fourth, and what Frank understood to be the final, drop-off of residents something Frank hoped might help to focus his mind on the task in hand and allow him to organise. Never one to tow the political line if that line sat in opposition to his principles, Frank was fully aware that he might have to change
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his role over the next three months in order to make life in Clashton as pleasant and rewarding as possible. He wasnt confident that he possessed the necessary skills needed to reform people, especially having acknowledged that his own character was also probably in need of reform. He was quite sure that his task would be more about controlling and managing the residents rather than reforming them. Most were understandably aghast and, having already met some of the characters in Clashton and finding them to be just that characters rather than problematic members of society Frank felt he wouldnt want to interfere in that way anyway. As it approached afternoon Frank, with faithful Floyd at his side, sauntered over from his apartment to his office to meet the last of the residents to arrive. Floyd was at his happiest lying at Franks feet, gums often providing Franks shoes with a matt finish to them, and thats where he lay when visibly peeved by the arrival of one of the latest residents to Clashton, Ruby Wu. The first thing Frank noticed was the stunning girl before him. The first thing Ruby noticed was the slathering dog at Franks feet. Floyd also noticed Rubys hand, alerted to it by the rattle of a dog lead. Franks first impression was sound: Ruby was indeed stunning. She was Far Eastern, petite, and with an angelic face with smooth skin. Hi Ruby, Im Frank Noon, good journey here? Yes, a long journey but I was looked after well, Mr Noon. And whos this little fella? he asked, referring to the bulldog cowering behind Rubys legs. Franks misguided attempt at idle small talk resulted in the air in his small office being suffocated by a multitude of thoughts. Floyd was clearly brooding with jealousy over Franks interest in what was attached to Rubys hand and dog lead. Ruby, youve been told that youre in a town called Clashton on Planet Muta. Until recently I was unaware exactly why people had been sent here but Im now fully aware, and somewhat appalled, though thats not relevant. Ruby gulped and looked somewhat shaken by Franks matter-offact approach. Floyds overly zealous approach towards Tao, Rubys dog, provided a welcome distraction for both of them.
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Floyd, come here! shouted Frank. Sorry, Im just a bit outraged about it all at the moment. Basically, the government have decided that they should start using other planets to help alleviate overcrowding on Earth. They are doing this by weeding out members of society who they feel are unpredictable. Youd think this would mean certain criminals, mentally unfit people, extremists and the like, which would still be massively wrong. However, Ive recently found out that Clashton is going to be made up mostly of people with what has been termed contradictory personalities, or who have contradictory parts to their personalities or general make-up I think. Sorry, its ludicrous I know. It is only a three-month thing though, then youll be back home, he said, noting the shock on Rubys face. Frank was intent on getting through the formalities rather than reassurances at this stage, and so then went on to emphasise the extent of the scope of the project and personality machine. His use of the words contradictory, unpredictable, and challenging personalities suggested that he still was struggling to pinpoint the logistics of the project. On being quizzed further by Ruby to clarify exactly what this meant in a practical sense, he again struggled to articulate a response. I also gather that some of those here have contradictory lifestyles rather than personalities, but Im unaware how that works. I think basically that, if they conform closely to a set stereotype they are happy for them to remain in society, as they think these people are predictable and easy to control. There are currently about thirty people that have been sent to Clashton and weve been told this is it for the moment, so quite how this is helping the population problem well its not, is it. Ive got to ask, have you any idea why youd fit into this category? he said ashamedly. Ruby broke away from stroking her dog. No, nothing I can think of. Im not good with technology so maybe I dont understand how it works or something. I dont really get all this. I havent got my head around it either, hotshot. Im angry more than anything but I just dont know whats going on. What did they tell you about why you were selected and how did they get you to come?
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What does hotshot mean, Mr Noon? said Ruby, the cuteness of the question not lost on Frank. Sorry, its just a term, complimentary if anything. And please, call me Frank, he said, not sure himself how the word had entered his vocabulary. Ruby then explained that she was whisked away from work one day by some smartly dressed people from the government, and that she was told very little. They said that Id been selected and that Id be told everything when I got here. They also said that it was only for three months and that my brothers would be looked after, and that itd all be explained to them. Can I ask why youre here? You dont seem too enthusiastic about all this, but you dont decide to go back to Earth, and if you wanted to then you could, no? It was one question Frank wasnt expecting, and one that he hadnt been asked by any other resident hed met in Clashton. The obvious emotions to express upon arrival were ones of frustration and anger, and Frank had become conditioned to dealing with that response rather than one enquiring as to his circumstances. It was sold to me that they wanted me to preside over everyone here with a view to reforming them. I was told they were unpredictable, problematic characters. They fed me with stuff about how good at my job I was and that I was a genius and stuff like that, he said, purposely leaking some of his perceived selling points into the conversation. Frank noted Ruby playing with her hair and, still a subscriber to the notion that this was a sign of positive female intent, continued with renewed gusto. The money I was offered to come here, for three months, is enough to provide for my family for ages. So, who is your family Mr Noon, wife and children? Call me Frank, honestly. A few years ago my wife Jane died of cancer, so now its just my three daughters and me. Jess, Lynne and Emily, 18, 20 and 22. And of course Floyd. Im sorry Frank, it sounds tragic, but you obviously do well for them. How old are you? You dont look old enough. How old is Floyd as well?
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Floyd was now standing nose to nose with Tao, both dogs similarly flapping their jowls and creating a reservoir of slobber on the office floor. Im 46, good genes my mum and dad dont look a day over 65 and theyre now in their seventies. Floyds ten, and the wisest dog youll ever meet. How olds Tao? What is he, a British Bulldog? Hes 4 now, a bulldog, they look similar a bit dont they, in their face. No they dont. Thats like saying you and I look similar. You look stunning, me less so. Floyd looks stunning, Tao less so. His compliment didnt go unnoticed and, with Ruby blushing and the air distinctly awkward, Frank got back into what he was starting to view as minor details, explaining that theyd be well looked after for the next few months and the physical and biological characteristics of the planet. Are there any dangerous people here? asked Ruby. Not as far as Im aware, no. Im assured there are no hardened criminals here but there are certainly some edgy characters. Ive obviously met everyone just about, but Im meant to be getting some correspondence soon which will highlight in more detail exactly why everyones here, so thatll help. Have you got no idea at all why you might be here? No Mr Noon, itll be interesting for me to know. I thought I was about as normal as you can get I have a nice family in my mum and two brothers, I have a boyfriend and everything is normal there. Frank had given up by now in trying to get Ruby to address him less formally and, satisfied they were off to a promising start, decided to wrap things up. Sorry anyway, Ive got a few things to sort out but Ill see you at the introductory meeting. Okay, one thing I promise is that Ill help you with whatever you want we should try and make the best of it that we can, yes? said Ruby, annoyingly sweetly from Franks perspective, his heart now slightly dismantled by the revelation of Rubys boyfriend. Of course, Ill try and do everything I can to make everyones
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stay here is as comfortable as possible. I must say as well that, selfishly, Im delighted youre here. Bai chi, Mr Noon. As they left, the mood was distinctively pensive in Franks office. After only five minutes of chat he was already wary of their relationship edging into friendship territory believing all his life that romance cant flourish if the friend stage were entered into. He was also left to wonder what bai chi meant his at times unfathomably large ego struggling to accept it to be anything but an adoring compliment. While Frank and Ruby conducted their goodbyes, relationships in the animal world had taken a more carnal turn. Floyd had been concerned only with trying to mount Tao. It was much to the embarrassment of both Frank and Ruby, whilst Tao was steeled and fully committed to resisting the most horrendous sexual assault imaginable. Next stop for Frank was acting upon a meeting he had been in soon after he arrived in Clashton with a woman named Carmela, a candid lady whose demeanour was both assured and intimidating in equal measure. She was a therapist; something Frank had always been intrigued by, and her methods were certainly anything but run of the mill. Keith had told Frank that she was a critical therapist and, though Frank had feigned acknowledgement that it was a wellknown stance in the therapist world, practically he didnt have a clue what that meant. When Frank had explained the reason for their stay in Clashton, Carmela had hinted that she might be a useful ally to him and Frank was keen to investigate her methods further. Knowing that Carmela was allergic to canines, Frank begrudgingly left Floyd behind. In response, Floyd mustered a look towards him which in one managed to encapsulate the emotions of love, anticipation, confusion, dissidence, fright, and disdain. The guilt trip was all too much for Frank, who scarpered out of the door without a word. Frank set off on negotiating the short walk across the dusty terrain of Clashton, with his mind playing out scenes from his favourite western movies. A lot of Clashton looked like its roads would led to
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a myriad of wild west saloons, with much of the landscape bizarrely covered by the garden apartments that had become increasingly popular in the UK over the previous ten years. His want was still to walk the relative back route around Clashton when embarking on such journeys, not wanting to bump into any potentially problematic people or situations. Five minutes later hed arrived untroubled at Carmelas apartment, and a particularly characterless apartment it was at that, thought Frank. As Carmela opened the door and saw Frank, her face visibly glowed Frank damningly dismissing it as a by-product of the copious amounts of make-up she was wearing. Do come in Frank, I was hoping to see you again soon, said Carmela, her sultry intentions instantly obvious. Thanks, I was just marvelling at the astounding craftsmanship thats gone into these apartments assembled straight from a flat pack. Anyway, can we take a seat? he said, gesturing awkwardly towards a sparkling new leather sofa before getting straight down to business. I spoke to a lot of the residents here yesterday, and the overriding impression I got was that conflict here is inevitable. Weve some seriously spiky characters here and, if verbal conflict is inevitable, then I think it best to focus on making sure that any verbal conflict doesnt spill over into physical abuse. Sound about right? I couldnt agree more Frank, I also foresaw this and thought this environment would be perfect for my methods; do you remember me hinting at what they were when we first met? I do but I was hoping you could tell me more about it really. My remit here is to reform these characters, but part of me thinks they dont need reform as characters is exactly what they are, and theres no problem with that. Id much rather share a pint with any of these lot than one of my boring political peers, but I suppose controlling them might be as relevant a task as reform. Basically my method involves criticising the patients. I wont go into detail but its not as crude as it sounds. Whereas your average therapist undertakes primarily a listening role, I tend to point out their faults and take them apart. Ive had good results with it and
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it seems to work with all sorts of personalities. I hope you pick up on all my hints by the way, Carmela said with over-exaggerated mouthing. Ive always been of the mindset myself that words shouldnt hurt anyone its your choice whether you let words offend you. Who cares what you say as long as youve got a good heart and do good things actions truly speak louder than words. I couldnt agree more, Frank, I really couldnt. Is it not a concern that wed be dealing with fragile characters though, potentially? What happens with those who are far more emotionally fragile? asked Frank. The problem with your regular therapist is that they may have a patient whos soft, quiet, guarded, and at the same time have another patient whos loud, obnoxious, and perceives themselves to be indestructible. In both cases, the therapist basically enters into the same course of therapy, underpinned by notions of listening and reasoning. Whilst that works with your patient whos quiet and guarded, your loud obnoxious patient often isnt in the mood for listening and thus the therapy is pointless. My therapys worked across the board though. Hardened people tend to appreciate the criticism and verbal abuse if you like, and it seems often that this is the only way to get through to them. The softer people the more emotionally fragile as you say sometimes toughen up their persona. Sometimes it can turn them temporarily into limp, unconfident beings, but this can be corrected, and at least in the meantime they are too scared to act in a negative or anti-social manner. It makes them self-aware of their faults, so when this stage is reached I then switch tack and concentrate on their strong points and positive facets. Obviously all this is done verbally, and my patients are never attacked physically. Look at me, Frank; do you think I could ever pounce on someone physically? Professionally that is of course, she said, frantically trying to lean the conversation into seedier territory. Frank didnt even notice, now captivated by Carmelas professional procedures. It sounds fascinating, Ill give it some thought. I could definitely see a situation where we could use your methods, if youre happy to do that?
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Course I am, Ill do anything. Oh, one thing Frank, if I could see the list which describes their afflictions or whatever you want to call them it might help? Oh God course, I still havent received it Ill chase the government up for that and get it to you. I can think of a couple of people though, who Ive met, who might definitely benefit from therapy, I guess. One guy called Jayson, he seems chronically depressed, maybe you could start with him? Of course, we can work together, me and you. How about you have a think about it and then come over to see me in a couple of days time? Give me some notice this time and if you bring me some food supplies Ill rustle up a meal for us. Im sick of eating in that prison place. Okay, Ill be in touch soon, said Frank, before nervously almost slamming the door off its hinges. Frank bounced back to his apartment with a visible spring in his step, boosted by clarity of thought and direction, temporarily losing sight of his reasoned outrage that the government were trying to change and blunt these eccentric mortals. He was starting to see Carmela as a kindred spirit, her views seemingly in line with his and offering an easy option to hopefully controlling and even reforming some of the more phlegmatic characters in Clashton. In truth, he had already decided to use Carmelas skills at the earliest opportunity, only stopping short of relaying his decision immediately so as to appear managerially proficient.

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- FOUR -

LESSON OF THE GODS

Franks early morning wake up call the next day was like a furry wet demolition ball. His head throbbed. He went into his usual routine, his new environment proving no obstacle to the powers of his OCD. More of an obstacle to his meticulous organisational skills was his new iWatch, and he gave up trying to write a reminder note and charged over towards the Clashton Social Club building. It had been termed Clashton Social Club by the government, though in reality, as the only uninhabited building in Clashton, its uses had to be multi-functional and any large-scale meeting would have to take place in its grounds. Frank, usually a nervous public speaker, confidently strutted into the room to conduct what he had termed his introductory meeting, his confidence buoyed largely by the fact that he considered himself at his most dapper in his new suit and with his stubble now at its optimum two-day length. Frank thought the room was vast, open, modern, bright and completely characterless but literally nothing couldve been further from the truth ten minutes later when the first of the residents came through the door. Standing at well over six feet tall, a man whose muscles were as prominent as his oversized black-rimmed glasses was in Franks midst. Hi Frank, its Phil, said the man in a stifled tone.
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I know of your views Frank, and though I respect them, I dont think it was wise to air them in the arenas you did; it was way too risky, probably why your career stalled and Im sure you regret it now? Frank, taken aback by the relative criticism, had to curb his natural instinct of fighting attack with defensive attack. I wouldnt say I regret anything but thanks for your opinion. If youd like to take a seat, we should be underway in fifteen minutes or so. As more and more people spilled into the room, Frank realised he couldnt greet each of them individually as he had originally planned to do, and scanning the room he was amazed by the range of characters before him, from a vicar to two men dressed in white cloaks. He also noted a wheelchair-bound male and female at the back of the room, a sight which visibly stunned him. He made a mental note to speak to them both immediately after and, as his big moment loomed, noticed that each intake of oxygen was now becoming a considerable effort and he was often having to gulp twice to get enough air. It was then that he spotted two comforting faces, both positioned in the front row, and the gulps morphed back into a more manageable and smoother single one. Ruby, she of the warm angelic face, and Angus, a man Frank had known for fifteen years and was proud to call his close friend. Angus had always been obsessed with the whole concept of philanthropy and what it entailed. Having accrued a financial fortune by the time he was 40 some of it inherited, some of it through his sharp financial brain and knack for investing he was ready to indulge his philanthropic tendencies. However, upon further investigation, rather then spending his fortune and becoming a philanthropist through the usual method of charitable aid or donations, Angus saw fit to help humankind and the third world in particular by restructuring countries from the bottom up. He saw it as a challenge, and one more worthwhile than just throwing money at problems. He was incredibly successful in ensuring that the money received by charities was used to its maximum potential. That the government hadnt yet used him more as a political pawn was something Frank had never been able to make sense of. Unlike Ruby, Angus wasnt so much angelic as jovial. He was diminutive, only 5 foot 5 inches tall, chubby with fair hair, and looked
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far younger than his 55 years. When he caught Franks eye he let rip with an apoplectic outburst, belying the supportive content of his remark. Go oan, Frankie! shouted Angus, brimming with enthusiasm and Scottish fire. Frank, now brimming with embarrassment, felt pressured into a suppressed wave, which he instantly hated himself for. But having identified Ruby and Angus as confidantes, he was by now confidently chugging his way through the first part of his speech. He insisted that the lack of mod cons on Muta wasnt necessarily a bad thing and that it reminded him of his youth. As one of the rowdier residents suggested the whole set-up was more like a prison, the first formal interruption then came as Frank struggled to describe the characteristics of Planet Muta. Helloo, Frank dude, dont you think Muta sounds a bit like mutant, they trying to say were mutants or something, man? came the shout from a long-haired bohemian-looking man dressed in robes. Mutas the Roman goddess of silence you fool, mon said a man with a thick Jamaican accent. How the hell do you know about Roman goddesses? The last comment was from Louis, Frank knew of him as he was one of his neighbours, but he was keen to quiz the still unidentified man with dreadlocks. Excuse me, the guy with yeah you; sorry, but is that honestly who Muta is? The Roman goddess of silence? Sure is mon, though maybe it should be veritas instead, the Roman goddess of truth, said the Jamaican man forcefully. Frank decided to skirt over the information and stick to his prepared script, adding that he wasnt in agreement with the project and didnt fully understand it. As he reached the conclusion of his speech, he started to broach the sort of society hed like to run, though wary of pushing the subject content too far into the political realm. Moving on to the way we can live here perhaps in harmony. All my political life Ive wanted to operate an egalitarian type society with no oppression, and at least one of the positives of our time here is that it should be fairly straightforward to do this.
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Lets see it as a relief to be away from all the mod cons, these virtual doctors turning us into paranoid self-important hacks. Robots and computer chips as well, theyre taking over our lives. Im not a technophobe either, Im all for air travel for example, indeed I cant see anything negative at all to do with these flying cars. But its a moral minefield and already chips are being used for all the wrong reasons, I have access to that information behind the scenes. Believe me Ill try to fight it but increasingly these things will be used to effectively suppress our free will. His fears of alienating some of the residents were validated by two notable interjections. Firstly, Frank noticed a man behaving in a very strange way. He was sat alone at the back of the room for a second time he was rising from his seat in order to sniff the hair of someone on the row in front of him. With the man now back in his seat, Frank went on to continue, keen to wrap things up as soon as possible so he could investigate this mans actions further. At that point another man, this time seated near the front, thrust his hand up. Frank was now losing his flow and entering into a state of bewilderment, the journey completed by the question laid before him. What the pigfuck does egalitarian mean? the man said, to the obvious shock of many of the other residents. Frank remembered meeting Giles in the initial meeting, and again was outraged that someone with such a disorder, which he assumed was Tourettes, had been banished to Clashton. He had a close friend who had to deal with Tourettes Syndrome all his life and Frank suspected Giles must have a form of this, though it was strangely without the staccatoed shotgun delivery. He dealt with the question as though it had been asked by the King. Sorry, egalitarianism is a political doctrine which holds that all people should be treated as equals and have the same political, economic, social, and civil rights; basically a social philosophy advocating the removal of economic inequalities among people. By definition well function on that basis here. I know its only for three months but we should all find it refreshing that we can live with no gap between rich and poor, no corporations, no government as such, no army, and no media.
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Refreshing, or boring? shouted a strained voice from the crowd which Frank decided to ignore. At least you can say therell be no intolerance due to misunderstanding created either by the media or lack of correct information. This applies to race, creed, politics and just about any subject one can think of. Possibly one of the worst emotions one can experience, and one which provokes other negative behaviours, is jealousy, and I think at least were all on a level playing field here which should eliminate that. Frank was then interrupted by another commotion. Floyd had entered the room and was striding pompously towards Frank at the front. Frank thought hed successfully immobilised him by stationing him outside with the biggest piece of rope he could find. Floyd, ever the escapologist, had other ideas and wanted to join the party. Very aware that he felt himself losing the attention of the room before Floyds trespass, he saw no other option but to put his head down and plough on regardless. The other thing I say thing because its still scientifically indefinable is that I dont believe in religion. Its impossible to have a debate with those who do believe in it, but Id love to associate with a humankind that doesnt need religion to control it. A community which instead educates its young with a strong moral guidance. Im trusting that you can live within an acceptable moral framework without having to believe that youll go to hell if you dont. Frank noticed someone frantically taking notes towards the back of the crowd which briefly put him out of sync. Sorry one thing Id also like to point out that if you have got faith, theres nothing wrong with that at all. Im jealous a little actually as it must give you immense strength, but please dont feel the need to preach something thats clearly fiction. I wont go on, as some of you are likely to find my ideas somewhat radical and I dont want to overburden you. If anyone has any questions, Ill be staying behind here now for fifteen minutes or so where we can discuss it. For everyone else, well meet here at the moment every morning, lunchtime and evening to eat. Im sorry if that seems a bit like a prison environment but for the moment its what well go with.
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Thanks everyone for your time, and Ill call another meeting again soon when youll be able to air your views more freely and we should be a bit more organised as to how well try and take things forward here. In the meantime, if youve any problems or ideas about how we can best co-exist here then please come and see me. The speed of his speech was almost matched by his head-down dash off-stage, praying as he did so that the murmur around the room would facilitate a mass movement of people towards the door. Frank himself was making a beeline straight towards the back of the room to confront the hair-sniffing man. Hi, sorry, can I have a word? asked Frank, nodding him away from the crowd. Yes sir, sorry, whispered the gaunt-looking man. Whats your name? Sorry Im still struggling to put names to faces. Its Eddie, sir, came the reply, in a distinctly beaten Mancunian voice. Oh, its just I noticed you lean forward a couple of times and sniff the person in front of you. Was just wondering, I dont know, whether there was something wrong, or? Its their hair, sir, I cant get enough of the smell, its like fuel to get me through the day at the moment, dyou know what I mean Eddie suddenly pulled out a handkerchief and blew his nose, the foghorn noise startling Floyd. I mean no arm, and me addictions they dont tend to be long, they only last few days or so. Last week it were sniffing dog poo, sorry boy, he said patting Floyd on the head. I think he were a bit put out by me a couple of times, know what I mean. He kept it to himself if so, said Frank. Its fine, just keep me updated as to how youre feeling I guess, especially if its anything thats likely to upset or impact on people here. Look, he said, putting his hand on Eddies shoulder, a movement which made Eddie cower. I promise well see if we can sort it out longer-term. Will do Frank sir, thanks man. Before Frank had time to dwell on Eddies plight he was accosted, just as he also spotted the two wheelchair-bound residents he was
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also planning to speak to. Louis, Franks neighbour with a forthright manner, was next to approach him. He had already started to find Louis appealing and humorous. Hi Frank, youre not the greatest public speaker are you? Ive seen hostages look more comfortable when thrust in the spotlight. Louis was the snappiest looking character Frank had encountered in Clashton. He had brooding good looks complimented by a sharp suit and the overpowering smell of nostril-stinging cologne. Everything about Louis appearance and vocabulary lent itself to the assumption that his words would be spoken in a strong New York drawl. Bizarrely, they were spoken in an accent-less tone not dissimilar to Franks. Thanks Louis, said Frank with a smirk, his ego perfectly capable of twisting Louis honesty into humour rather than bruising malevolence. Keep an eye on the food if you can as well, that slop served up to us earlier tasted like feet. Duly noted, see you soon! said Frank, dashing to catch the two people he most wanted to question. Hi, Im Frank, he said with a considerably swift double handshake, taking exaggerated care to act anything but patronising. My many apologies, but I havent met you before, have you recently arrived? Frank instantly realised that, in addressing his question to an athletic male and attractive young female at the same time, he was treating them as one, possibly the most patronising action he couldve taken, and this sentiment was not lost on the male before him. Hi, Im Marcel, he said whilst forcefully swivelling his wheelchair 45 degrees so he was facing Frank with his back to his female companion. And Im Gaynor, said the sprightly lady, her whole demeanour immediately more positive than Marcels. Yes Frank, we arrived yesterday we had to come separate to anyone else because of the requirements of our conditions, she explained. So did you two know each other before? said Frank.
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Yes mate, we all live in this magical town called Crippleton, you should visit sometime, snapped Marcel. Sorry, I didnt mean it like that. So Gaynor, whats your condition, if you dont mind me asking? No, sure, Im paraplegic. Basically Ive lost virtually all of the feeling in my legs. I was a very good ballet dancer. I represented the UK in a ballet contest in New Delhi a few years ago. Unfortunately I contracted polio while over there and it wouldnt clear up. It caused irreparable damage to my nerves. Thats horrendous, Im sorry. Its not horrendous Frank, people have it a lot worse than me, said Gaynor. Frank sheepishly switched his attention to Marcel, hoping for a similarly forthcoming explanation. And you, Marcel? What? You mean what is my condition? My lower body isnt great and my upper body is fairly decimated, Marcels pause preceding an account of his disability that reeked of repetitive boredom. Im what you can label tetraplegic. Ive lost all the feeling in my arms but do have a little feeling in my legs. My dad was a mime artist, as my family have been for generations, and I was following in his footsteps. I was also into mountain biking, but one day when I was out riding, a car smashed into me, or I smashed into it. Thus my hobby ruined my job in the crudest way possible. Something clicked with Frank whilst Marcel was telling his story of doom, so much so that he didnt take any heed of Marcels antagonistic delivery. Sorry for putting this crudely, but in effect then: Gaynor, youre paraplegic and were a ballet dancer, and Marcel, youre tetraplegic and were a mime artist? It probably explains why youre here, that machine mustve picked you out as having unpredictable or contradictory styles of living or behaviours. God, Im so sorry, Ill make the government aware of this and see if we can arrange for your return its obvious you shouldnt have been picked up. Woah, woah, woah! said Marcel, startling Frank with previously undetected vigour. When you were talking earlier about an egalitarian
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society where everyones as equals; that doesnt sound too bad. My life was crap anyway since the accident, maybe this can be a bit of a new start for me and Ive certainly got nothing to lose. Frank took a grip of Floyds lead; Floyd now completely bored by this saga and threatening to get amongst the animation. Thats fine by me. I was just thinking lack of facilities here, nothing else. If you want to run with it and then need anything to make life more comfortable for you here, just say. Run with it? said Marcel, his face reassuring Frank that he had a fully able sense of humour. What about you, Gaynor, whats your story? said Frank, now a lot more comfortable in his own skin and going over ground already covered. After my illness I had two choices really, as everyone has, jack everything in, or stay positive. Do you know I created a list not long after the accident of ten things to be positive about and it was so easy. I now try and help others through charitable work. Its how I now get my pleasure in life, through seeing other people gain pleasure from goodwill and charitable sources, so Im not sure I want to be away from that. Isnt she just heroic, added Marcel in a camp put-on voice, one from which Frank couldnt stifle a smirk. I guess I could see how it pans out here for a bit though, plus I better give this miserable git some support as hes got a seriously sketchy attitude towards just about everything. One thing though, my mum? What are all my family going to think about the obvious question of where Ive gone? asked Gaynor. It was a question Frank had been dreading and one he was surprised hadnt come up earlier, and from all angles. He had hoped that maybe it was an indication that most people in Clashton had no family. Ive not a clue, Im sorry. Ill try and find out but theyre being sly about the whole situation. Its only for three months, but I really dont know how theyre explaining it. Okay, please let us know if you find out anything about that, said Gaynor, now taking the lead spokesman role for her and Marcel,
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a stance that both were secretly happy with. Well let you go now, Frank, as were tired and your dog looks restless. Floyd was indeed restless and got to his feet immediately. Frank was glad to have been excused from the conversation as there were some more restless people loitering in the background, along with Franks next challenge. There was only one person waiting for Frank who, he assumed, had taken him up on his offer to discuss his demand for an atheist society. He was clearly a member of the cloth and Frank had his card marked, knowing he was where the main opposition would come from. He was pleasantly surprised that there was no one else willing to challenge him but, being a realist, put this down to non attentiveness caused by the boredom of his address rather than a representative show of anti-religious feeling. Frank was intrigued by the challenge posed by Nigel, the vicar before him, and couldnt help but inwardly speculate why he would have been sent to Clashton. Frank ushered him to the nearby seats and began proceedings, keen to conclude them as quickly as possible as he was fading fast, and a hungry Floyd was starting to salivate. Its Nigel isnt it? said Frank. Thats right To explain, theres no way I want to impact upon your values and beliefs. Everyone is free to believe in what they want, and act upon those beliefs so long as its not in an obstructive way. One thing I wont tolerate though is you trying to impose your views onto others. Ive made a decision that its about time we tried to operate in this manner and I want you to respect that. Nigel, a round-faced bespectacled man in his fifties, spoke with heightened pace in his retort. Frank, I think just being here is further evidence for a God and against your stance. The universe is such a miracle itself, how can you think it was created by anything other than a divine force? Before Frank could respond, Nigel had told him that the Earths size and corresponding gravity hold a thin layer of mostly nitrogen and oxygen, only extending about fifty miles above the Earths surface. If Earth were any smaller, an atmosphere would be impossible, like
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the planet Mercury. If Earth were any larger, its atmosphere would contain free hydrogen, like Jupiter. Nigel was clearly well versed on his subject, though Frank couldnt reconcile the idea of a god being in the equation and rose to the argumentative bait. So you truly believe that theres an invisible man in the sky, an invisible man who watches over us? This man with a list of ten things we shouldnt do. That if we do any of these ten things well go to hell? Do you discount the scientific timeline of evolution, science? Based on facts? That the earth is about four billion years old, that about five hundred million years ago there were fish; dinosaurs were about something like sixty-five million years ago. Its two hundred thousand, two hundred thousand, years since anatomically modern humans were around and thirty odd thousand years since Neanderthals died out. Theres scientific evidence for all this and yet you honestly believe that two thousand years ago Jesus came along and what did he do actually? We were already here, already evolving, so just what did he do? Did he plagiarise evolution? Just passed it off as his own work? Just went bam! and rode roughshod over what was already here? Over our incredible natural world? Or was it God that created the world all those billions of years ago? I bet thats what you think, well if so, what does that make Jesus? Incredibly unimportant, thats what. An unimportant, arrogant marauder, not to mention incompetent; If God put the world in Jesus hands then he hasnt made the best job of it has he. What if you look at all the problems we have on Earth? said Frank in his most incredulous tone. Im not arguing against evolution, you havent once asked me that. Its creationism not religion that your gripes are with, I think evolution is compatible with religion argued Nigel. Angus had joined them as a group and, after cannily observing the verbal sparring up until now, decided to try and deliver a feisty knockout blow. Hold aun, did th bible just miss out th first billion years en? Thats a pretty feckin sloppy omission Nigel, sorry if I came over a bit strong, for all my beliefs who knows whether there is a God? My overriding point is that for anyone
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to believe in a God is a bit ridiculous. How can you possibly believe in anything for which theres not one single shred of evidence? People who believe in UFOs are ridiculed as laughing stocks, but if you actually stop to assess it theres genuinely more evidence for that than there is a God. Were 21st century beings with developed minds, beliefs without evidence, is that where were at? Regardless, I dont see your problem. Religion encourages people to do more good than it does evil, said a now almost disinterested Nigel. I see your point, and religion can be good for us in some ways; weve learnt lessons and ideas about how we should operate in our societies and maybe humanity even needed religion when we were in our infancy. Now it has largely negative connotations though, its obsolete, were advanced enough now as beings to trust that this is the case. Frank had many more points to make now he was in his flow, but Nigel cut him short, much to Floyds relief. Frank, this debate could go on and on, but its been a long day and Im tired. Youre not going to turn me into a non-believer. And anyhow, Ive other issues to raise. The pole to hole ratio in here is ridiculous, mused Nigel suggestively, Im going to struggle to get a frenchy or anything, Frank, for a whole three months! Theres nothing we can do about that, we just have to make the best of what weve got here thats a recurring theme. Lets wrap things up and we can meet again soon if need be. With that they went their separate ways Frank relieved that the day had come to an end without a hitch. At this point, he noticed that the next day was already upon him as his iWatch ticked past midnight. With Floyd fed and in his considerable bed, gums now kitchen towel dry, Frank was left to reflect on a whirlwind day and, as had been the case most days since he arrived in Clashton, Franks bedtime thoughts led to him to question every facet of his decision. He initially reprimanded himself, cringing about his rhetoric on egalitarianism and atheism, even wondering if this was power going to his head, given that it was merely a three-month project he was heading up and not a whole new society.
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He also speculated and created several conspiracy theories about the planet being named after the goddess of silence, before snapping back to reality and focusing on the main contributor to his stress: the fact he was desperately missing his daughters. He even started to assume that harm had come to them and was questioning why contact with them had been so minimal since he arrived, before sullenly shaking such thoughts out of his head and blaming the lateonset paranoia caused by his formative rebellious university lifestyle. He again tried to force a positive mind-set, reminding himself of the difference the money would make to their lives upon his return. As he pondered late into the night, the one animal he could rely on in such situations was but a pat of the head away. Frank nodded off for the night while occasionally vocalising his thoughts to a bemused Floyd.

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- FIVE -

CARMELA
It was Floyd who awoke Frank for a morning walk the next day and Franks disorientation at the time of his sleep and at his surroundings meant that after their walk around the block hed hardly awoken. As he turned past the final apartment before heading onto his stretch Floyd was already back at the ranch and in the middle of a considerable kerfuffle. A pronounced squint from Frank allowed him to make out the outlines of Ruby and Tao and, on tenterhooks because of Rubys proximity to the uproar, Frank ran to the scene, he even overlooked his vanity in favour of the need to quickly investigate. As he approached, Ruby gestured at Frank that there was nothing of note to be alarmed about certainly nothing that warranted a straightbacked Olympic-style sprint. Sorry Mr Noon, I just came to see you about something, also I think Floyd can smell Tao under the door. He can probably smell me now as well, hotshot Im so unfit! said Frank, gasping for breath. Its Frank, Ruby, his latest request to be addressed more informally hardly decipherable due to his immediate need for oxygen. Lets go inside. Franks vanitometer was now back in full swing and meant that Floyd got no more than a dirty look and shove through the door for being the instigator of his embarrassing sprint. I was wondering, have you heard why Im here yet? I dont want to pester you, Mr Noon, its just that I worry about my little brother.
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I really havent, sorry. I promise Im pestering them for you though, Ill keep onto them about it. How olds your brother? Hes 18, but hes got learning difficulties so I have to look out for him. Also, I hope Im not being rude but I was thinking about your introductory meeting yesterday, and had an idea about how things should work here. You said to come to you if we had ideas, Mr Noon. No of course, youre bright, sharp Id love your input. There are so many fascinating characters in here, and I think most of them havent had too much friendship and love in their life. I think if we can give them that, then this could be a lovely place to live for the next few months. Thinking in terms of his favourite sport, Frank pictured himself as a boxing referee, Rubys disposition showering him with kisses in one corner, and Carmela standing with whip in hand in the other. Again, not wanting to deceive Ruby in any way, he found it easier than expected to declare the truth. Have you met Carmela? No, I dont think so. Shes a therapist, and her methods are certainly unique: its based on being critical and toughening patients up, rather than listening and I feel its a bit of a gamble that might work, especially if we Ive only got a couple of months to try and make a difference here. Mr Noon, Im not sure the people here need abuse in that sense a lot of them have probably had to deal with that all their life. Me included You how? Nothing, not me really, I was just on about my boyfriend What he abuses you? Mentally, physically? Oh god not physically, he doesnt really, hes just unbelievably controlling, I cant imagine what hes been told or how hes coping. Whereas you seem to encourage me to have an opinion and help out he doesnt even seem to acknowledge my existence. Other than to occasionally hint at my future role as some kind of broodmare for his children
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He sounds worse than Hitler. Carmelas methods arent abuse as such really; it seems like what the therapy does is break down their defences, strips them raw, then builds them up again from bottom up but building them up in a more structured way. Shes had a lot of success with it. I thought you were against changing these people though? And youve only got a few months to work with, how much can you educate them in three months? I think teaching them the value of friendship and encouraging that if you cultivate friendships it leads to happiness. You know Friends the programme, why do you think its still being repeated eighty years on? Its because it made the majority of people around the world happy and warm in picturing that lifestyle and thats what still makes it so popular. I am against changing people per se, but if you rigidly take that standpoint no one would ever go into therapy and change for the better, said Frank, now confused and not knowing quite where he was in his head or what point he was trying to make. Part of him agreed with Ruby, whilst part of him couldnt fathom why the TV programme Friends was being used as a yardstick. Youve met some of the people here in Clashton now, so you must know conflict between these people is inevitable especially given that Im on my own here trying to control them. I just think that the emphasis has to be on steering any conflict away from physical, and Carmela can help to steel them, I think, against any verbal abuse they might receive. We have to create a bit of a words dont hurt culture in here, otherwise therell be turmoil everywhere. Come here Tao, said Ruby, pulling the dog away from a canine sniff-out with Floyd. We should go Frank, sorry I dont agree, but its up to you obviously. With that, Ruby was gone as much in emotional apprehension as in opposition to Franks plan. She felt she was being drawn to Frank, emotionally as well as physically, and found his passionately delivered opinions magnetic even when she didnt agree with them. Frank meanwhile was taken aback by the way Ruby left, for once his ego was unable to sense any ulterior motive. As was his way,
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Frank navigated his feelings directly into his emotional comfort zone the worst-case scenario. In his head now, all chance or hope of any romantic interaction was over, and Ruby was already as good as non-existent certainly not on a social basis. This way he thought he could concentrate fully on the job in hand. He almost felt relieved and shortly after he left his apartment he strolled over to the food shed to make good on his promise of supplies to Carmela. He noted that it was another humid and temperate day and bemoaned in his head the lack of personality the weather on Muta showed compared to its inhabitants. Barely out of the door, Frank came across his neighbour Louis and braced himself for a blast of honesty Louis seemingly not as unpredictable as the government would have expected. Hey Frankie! Woah, not a morning person, eh? You look like a real piece of crap, are they those bags for life things from a supermarket youve got under your eyes there? Hey Louis, hows things? said Frank, entirely unperturbed by Louiss brash nature. Louis didnt have time to formulate his next brutally honest observation as Frank had spotted Angus and was hailing him over, relishing their potential encounter. In pitting the two constantly suited men side by side, they resembled alien activity agents against the backdrop of Muta. Angus, this is Louis, my new neighbour. Hes an honest estate agent so he claims, believe it or not. Ha, I dont believe it. Did ye ever sell anything? I was the top salesman everywhere I worked, I only ever tried to sell a house I believed was under-priced, that was the key. Peopleve made more money from my advice than Frankie heres made enemies in politics. I tell you what, Id have trouble selling you, though, short stuff Id have to market you as a tiny, wide basement gaff with a white roof, said Louis, being none too complimentary about Angus diminutive stature. Other than yer honesty, yoore a natural estate agent arent ye. God me eyes are burnin from all th aftershave yoove got on. Och an by th way whole coontries get cash out ay my advice rather
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than jist people, said Angus, hinting at his philanthropist roots and clearly deciding to take Louis manner in good humour. Ive things to do so Ill leave you two to flirt, said Frank, happy to complete the niceties now as he suspected his neighbour and old friend were on the same wavelength. As he walked off, Frank overheard Louis ask Angus whether he thought he could share some of his frugal knowledge as though good at saving others money on property he said he himself was a financial disaster. Yoore speaking to th man who, when horny as a wee laddie, used to phone th Samaritans an threaten to kill myself unless they talked dirtee to me. I figured it was cheaper than a premium rate sex-line, was Angus response which prompted Frank to outwardly chuckle, something, he inwardly observed, he was doing for the first time since arriving in Clashton. Finally getting around to the one proactive task currently on his to-do list, Frank found himself on Carmelas doorstep, unappetising food in hand. It was approaching midday, but with no structure to everyday life yet on Muta, he wasnt surprised when Carmela answered the door in her dressing gown. What followed was an excruciating five minutes of social interplay. It began with Carmela constantly readjusting her hair, face and cleavage like she was trying to complete a jigsaw puzzle. It continued with prolonged seductive eye contact from Carmela, awkward twitching and nose-rubbing from Frank. It included a change out of the dressing gown from Carmela into a backless dress, one where the front wasnt exactly fighting to keep the more side of the bargain. The conversation certainly wasnt flowing and as Carmela kept trying to lure their exchange towards something fruitier, including an attempted seductive hand movement that reminded Frank of an impression of Emu, Frank kept trying to pull it back into the logistics of their arrangement. A final dig from Carmela into Franks love life and current relationship status saw him make his excuses and scarper, though
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not before an excruciatingly clumsy waffle, provoked by Carmelas subject matter, about how swingers are possibly even closer genetically to chimps than your average human. There followed the walk home, where Franks negative internal appraisal of his personality was interrupted by a potentially troublesome scene. He spotted Vince frantically digging a hole in the shed-sized piece of grass at the back of his apartment which the government had termed a back garden. Sensing the worst given Vinces clearly gangsterish demeanour Frank approached to ask why he may be wielding a spade with such vigour. Vince, please tell me youre not about to roll a body into that hole. Its the last thing I could deal with at the moment. Ha, ya know me Frankie, all I do is supply and demand. No theres been no demand for that so far, so youre alright. Av a butchers. All Im doing is plantin sum rhubarb I sneaked sum seeds in, I cant take this food theyre dishin up a minute longer, said Vince with a Cockney accent so strong he seemed riddled with pain. Suitably appeased, Frank managed to exchange polite conversation before making his excuses and continuing his walk home. Before long hed arrived back at his apartment, brain buzzing sufficiently to dwell and ponder a pastime which was fast becoming Franks only hobby, regardless that he was acutely aware by the age of 46 that overthinking things often led him to dark places.

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- SIX -

MOODY MONIKERS
Three weeks into his reign, Frank was dividing opinion amongst the residents of Clashton, some chumming up to him, some coming on to him, some avoiding him, and some quietly detesting him. All the while Ruby was having an all together different experience and was positively warming to her position on Muta. No longer seeking an immediate explanation as to why she was there, she instead began to see her challenge as a charitable one. That morning, while out on her morning run, she had eyeopening encounters with three of Clashtons fruitier residents. The first was Carmela, who was sternly pacing around her pseudogarden for no apparent reason. Ruby, have a look round that corner, its absolutely vile! scoffed Carmela. Ruby chose not to reply, in part out of an immediate overwhelming curiosity, and also because the distaste she felt for Carmela left her head struggling to compose a morning nicety. As she went to peek around the corner of Carmelas apartment, she was confronted by the sight of two women with their trousers around their ankles, giggling whilst holding onto each other to keep balance. They were mid-urination and, though after runins with a couple of the more private and anti-social residents of Clashton, shed learned not to question such customs unless absolutely necessary. Ruby, feeling that this was such a necessary circumstance, interrupted them.
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Cooey girls, sorry can I have a word? said Ruby, approaching with caution. Course yous can love, come and join us if yous want! said the larger woman of the two with Scouse vigour. What are your names? said Ruby. Im Grace, this is Sonia, said Grace, pointing to what would have looked like her identical twin if it werent for the considerable weight difference. Hi Im Ruby. So sorry to ask, but what are you doing exactly? Why are you doing that out here whats wrong with your toilet? Its alright love, sorry bout dat, weve gorra pee outside at the minute, our toilets clogged up its a right mess, said Sonia. Okay, Ill see what I can do Ill try and get Frank to fix that as soon as I can. It might alarm a few people, thats all, if you do this outside, pleaded Ruby. The peeings stopped now love, wanna check? Im joking! Ah youre a sweetheart. Sonn come on, lets head inside and await this hunky fella to fix our pipes, quipped Grace. As Ruby walked off, relieved that she was allowed to do so on such good terms, she did wonder whether Frank was aware of such problems. Their paths hadnt crossed now since their disagreement, despite Ruby running past his apartment on a daily basis. As she passed today the only person she saw was Louis, and she briefly stopped to enquire about the squatting ladies. Sounds like youve run into Grace and Sonia luckily for you not literally eh? Theyve been peeing everywhere for days, we were saying its like theyve invented a new sport or something synchronised squatting. Theyre alright though, twins, though you wouldnt guess it the original fitty and fatty pair, those two, said Louis. Ruby was only just back into her stride when she was stopped again. It was someone she had bonded with a few days before, being a sucker for an English gentleman. She was about to discover that this English gentleman maybe wasnt as refined as shed first thought. Before her was a mish-mash of a man to look at, a floppy carriage characterised by long foppish hair fashioned into a side parting. Lower down he sported considerable stubble, a gold earring, and a
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huge gold sovereign ring. The curious look was completed by a crisp cream blazer and gold-lined waistcoat. Hi Ruby, one has an arse like a brake light this morning, I was wondering if youd be so kind as to speak to Frank for me to arrange a doctors appointment? said the man, his finger apparently trying to enter his brain through his nostril. Okay, but why dont you go and see him yourself? One would do but youre closer to him than myself and I trust you to sort it out. Please? Not wishing to pry further, Ruby agreed. On her jog back she realised that she was becoming the liaison between the residents and Frank. Sensing that many of them seemed intimidated by him, she went to see him later that evening intent on raising numerous points, but wary of broaching the subject of their minor dispute, Carmela. As she knocked on Franks door she was more excited by the prospect of seeing Floyd than Frank, and sure enough Floyd nudged open the door so he could give Ruby a groin-busting nuzzle. Hi Floydie. Frank, are you here? Hi, yeah came a voice from inside the apartment, Sorry, I was just out the back, what there is of it. Hows things? Frank looked dishevelled, and the complete lack of awkwardness from him towards Ruby, given the awkward note of how they left things last time they met, led Ruby to suspect hed maybe been drinking. Im good Frank, you? You dont look too great, I dont mean it like that, I just mean you look tired. No, Im okay honestly. Ive been having trouble sleeping thinking about the kids and stuff. Ive had a drink or two to try and send me off to sleep later, its no big deal. I was thinking about that Frank, have you no way of contacting them? Surely you must be able to speak to them somehow? They say theyll try and rig up an active phone line like the one they contact me on, but I think theyre wary of giving me carte blanche. Oh right. Anyway, while I remember, one of the more interesting characters Ive met is Tarqney, a charming man I thought, but he was a bit rude this morning. I was wondering why hes here, what his affliction is?
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You know what hotshot, hold on there a second and Ill be able to tell you! said Frank with forced vivacity. Keith said that hell be sending a complete list over when they next come up but in the meantime Ill have to take down all the names by hand, or at least a stack of them. The list they provided me with before I got here was a shambles, Im aware why certain people have been weaned out by the machine I think, but its hardly exhaustive. Carmela wants them as well so I need to get them to her. In fact Im expecting Keith to call me. As he finished his sentence the phone rang, Thats probably him now. Frank went into the back room to speak to Keith. The phone itself looked like an early 20th century device and was completely out of place amongst the cheap modern dcor that surrounding it. Frank, a self-confessed technophobe, had no clue as to how it could possibly work, though a series of wires splaying from the back suggested it wasnt as revolutionary as the concept. As Frank returned to the room five minutes later, Ruby was quick to sense his agitated state. Frank, whats up? Did you write down the list? What is it? What do they say? Are some people worse I dont mean that, but, what is it? Frank was clearly dumbfounded and resorted to a stab of defensive humour. Tarqney you wanted to know? Tarqney is oh here it is, hes a posh chav, said Frank with aggression and deliberation. So I imagine theyve nailed that, what with you saying he was charming and rude in equal measure. He probably quotes Shakespeare whilst having a crap, eh. Shall I go on Vince is a vegetarian gangster, Phil is a muscular geek, Eddie is a whimsical addict oh and Louis nailed his look so top marks for that. Hes officially down as an honest estate agent. Nigels down as a salacious vicar. Im not quite sure how a lecherous man of the cloth is deemed contradictory to be honest, given their track record, but there you go, he said with his voice increasingly manic. Frank, said Ruby, concern etched on her face. Theres more! Angus, my good friend, is down here as a frugal philanthropist. Isnt that a negative affliction. And Ken, hes down as an avatar criminal, I dont even know what that means.
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Avatar, its that craze thats really taking off, like a reality world, you might have to look that up on his info sheet I guess. Look it up?! How the hell are you just taking this in your stride? Its the most unbelievable heres another. Giles the foul-mouthed meteorologist, fuckin foul-mouthed! Hes clearly got a disorder. Frank its disgusting, obviously, but it could have been worse, doesnt this make you think that its all just some Mickey Mouse almost takethe-pee sort of project, experiment, setup, whatever? They must be joking. No it doesnt, he said, his eyes wide with anger. He actually said on the phone that theyd tried to make it all a bit light-hearted and had a joke with these names, whilst stressing that their monikers apart they are individuals who were picked out by the machine because they have serious personality disorders. Who knows whats going on, but its just the most offensive thing, that phone call the way he was almost sniggering. They obviously think Im part of their little elitist big boys club well see, wont we? Loads of them are even based on their physical characteristics, like Phil the muscular geek. He said it was for my eyes only, fuck that well see, you shouldve heard the cowardice in his voice when he realised. Frank, Frank! grabbed Ruby, trying to use her hand to pacify him. Theres nothing you can do from here though is there, you just have to store it up and get on with it all as best you can No, youre right, of course I will. I have to for them, dont I. For the residents that is, not those scumbag politicians back in London. I dont really want people finding out about this list and the reason for their selection. Maybe in time we could tell them I dont think itd do any harm. Theyre strong enough to deal with it Im sure and to see what a joke it is, but for the moment lets keep a lid on this. Some of the names theyve been given, its just ammunition for bullying. Of course I wont say a thing. Frank, I hope you dont mind me saying but people havent seen you for a couple of days, and I think people here need to see you. A lot of the residents seem a bit scared of you, some are coming to me and asking me to request things from you, I
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I know, I promise Ill hold another meeting soon and try and get out and about more. Ive been trying to work out how I need to approach things. Im struggling a bit because Im on my own here. Youre helping and thats great but thats not your job, Im the only one being paid to be here. I dont mind Frank, honestly. Im enjoying helping these people whilst Im here. One thing though that Ill have to load onto you is that Grace and Sonias toilet needs fixing apparently theyre doing it out in public a fair bit, sorry. You will be sorry! God, me and practical skills like that go together like those two and Dostoevsky. Ill give it a go though, I really like them, sweet salt of the earth people even though the government refer to them as oh yeah, here we are, snobby laddettes. What the fuck is this? It is it just one massive joke?! Frank was clearly on the edge. Frank I dont mean to bang on as well but did you enquire as to why Im here yet? I couldnt think of anyone in the world with less reason to apologise Ruby, I really couldnt. I asked, but they said theyre still looking into it, Im sorry. Its fine. Ill plough on with things here, Im loving the responsibility actually. Youre a star, you really are. Going forward if you could continue to be my eyes and ears on the street so to speak, thatd be great. I am trying to move things forward and get them sorted, said Frank, trying to reassure a clearly sceptical Ruby that three whiskies didnt mean hed taken his eye off the ball. As he started inform her of his future plans, he realised mention of Carmela could facilitate another negative exchange. Like the flick of an emotional domino, his psychological defence mechanism suddenly kicked in, jolting him into remembering his conclusion that deleting Ruby from his mind was his safest course of action. Anyway, if thats all then Id better be going, he said. Not quite, Tarqney wanted me to arrange a doctors appointment for him. As I said, he was too scared to come and see you himself. Oh, okay, Ill sort it out and go and see him. Hes okay isnt he, nothing serious?
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You dont want to know. I think he was chav rather than posh when describing the problem to me, but its not serious. Whats our doctor like anyway? Has he got an affliction? Sorry to keep using that term. No, its better than most terms the government have been using thats for sure. Our doctor likes to go by the name of MC Scope believe it or not, and he raps. Hes a bit of a genius medically but often chooses to practise his rapping whilst practising his medicine, and it obviously rubbed people up the wrong way. His emotions now contorted, he began to reveal that not only had he maybe taken his eye off the ball, but that he was doubting everything about his assignment in Clashton. His frustration boiled over into a rant about how the government are treating everyone, that hes completely in the dark as to what will happen after three months and how everyone will be reintegrated back into society. Typically the rant then turned into a self-critical one. You know what, I fell for it didnt I? I sold out and took the money I know it was to help my family, but we were doing okay as it was. Ive always advocated that your DNA is the most precious thing in your body; its the code of who you are and not to let the government have that as theyll abuse it. Were becoming more and more de-personalised, were analysed, prodded and scrutinised 24 hours a day but I didnt see this coming. The whole situation is just barbaric, these people dont need correcting or reforming, theyre characters, characters that we should be proud of. Most of the people here, theyve got chutzpah, I love that word, he continued, as his eyes temporarily lit up. Theyre non-conforming but with some kind of gutsy audacity about them. Since the year 2000 the amount of crime deemed to have been solved directly by DNA is 0.05 %? Stop Frank, please. I bet you were sent here because they understand your qualities and think you can be successful. You have a chance here to have a positive impact on so many peoples lives, and to genuinely make a difference. It could be so rewarding. Youre such a sweetheart you know that? And youre right, I know, I need to get my head straight. I can try and make the best of it and do the best I can I guess, but Im not a psychologist, I cant reform people. Carmela is though, which is why Im willing to give that a try,
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at least initially. I know you dont agree but well see how it goes? Did you say there was other stuff going on I should know about? There are just maybe a couple of situations that could lead to trouble. Hubert, is he racist or whats he down as? Lets look, oh here he is, down as a racist hippie. God, I cant bring myself to say things like that, its just ridiculous. So thats what he is now is it? Hes no longer known as Hubert, hes known as the racist hippie, its just fuckin I know Frank, I know. Hes bickering with Dexter, the guy with the dreadlocks. I hate having to refer to this all the time, but Dexter is? He is oh here he is, said Frank with a fierce finger jab onto the paper, hes a competitive Rastafarian. That could explain their squabbling a bit then, I guess. But from what Ive seen, Huberts being outwardly racist towards him, in a really spiteful way theyve almost had a fight I think once or twice. It doesnt explain their squabbling, come on were not playing that game, but yes Ill have a word with them and try and sort it, please dont give any credence to these ridiculous tags theyve been given though. Anything else I should be aware of? Theres a guy called Jeremy Yes I know him, lets see hes an aggressive coward, apparently, snorted Frank. Is he playing up? So he might be problematic I guess, but not in a physical way eh. Hes a bit nasty, but he seems to be getting very close to Julian. Julians the sweetest man in the world, wouldnt hurt a flea. Julian, lets look, oh hes a homosexual boxer, said Frank, managing to hiss through both mouth and nose simultaneously. Id question Jeremys intentions then a bit. You know how people like him might like to surround themselves with people who are bigger than themselves. And have you met Julian? Hes huge! gestured Ruby, holding her arms out to demonstrate. God, youve adapted fifty times better than me already to all this, havent you. Yeah Ive met Julian, he weighs 21 stone you know, and theres not an ounce of fat on him. Ill keep an eye on how things develop there as well, and Ill book Jeremy in to see Carmela I think hes one that I thought could definitely benefit from that.
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As now seemed the norm upon mention of Carmela, Ruby promptly changed the subject. Also, everyones moaning about being bored and it really is boring Frank, day-to-day. I know, I just want to get everything else up and running and then Ill see what we can do to liven things up here. Next time I speak to the government Ill see what we can do entertainment-wise, and make it clear to them that its like a prison up here at the moment. While Ruby was perturbed that Frank was still putting all his eggs into Carmelas basket, Frank was now keen to end their conversation, with Carmelas behaviour towards him fresh in the mind. There was still time for Frank to project a clumsy compliment in Rubys direction, but it only served to show that his smoothest approaches to women he found attractive were more happy accidents than well-executed acts of bravura. On the back of his overtures, they both looked to Floyd for distractive intervention but this time there was no help Floyd was far more interested in some suspicious-looking matter hed been trying to prise from under the cooker for the duration of Rubys visit. Blundering farewells concluded, Frank attracted Floyd away from his grubby matter using a bowl of more substantial grubby matter, had a last nightcap and bedded down for the evening.

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BREACH OF THE PEACE

Frank arose the next morning with renewed vigour, understanding that he had to put the traumas of the previous day behind him and get on with the job in hand. He felt he was back on the right track with Ruby, though didnt want to assess deeper than that, aware that the track was currently blocked by a boyfriend. Whats more, he now had something to do, problems to solve, and plans to implement. Ever the early riser when in such a stimulated frame of mind, he summoned a clearly tetchy Hubert and Dexter to see him not long after the sun had risen. Floyd again took a starring role during the introductions, and when those formalities were completed Frank set about his initial investigations. Though aware that it wasnt desirable to take sides in such a situation, he trusted Rubys judgement. Having looked more closely the previous night at the shoddily constructed introductory file he was given Frank had extracted some more information as to some of the residents backgrounds. From that it became clear to him what Huberts racial hate was motivated by. Frank summoned Hubert alone into the back room of his apartment and initially circled the phrase White Peace. It was one that had ended Huberts introduction and was delivered alongside a hugely stereotypical peace sign. I assume your little White Peace catchphrase has racist connotations, Hubert. You obviously havent clocked that this is already a mainstream expression. White Peace is when alliances
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declare peace in a conflict without being subject to any formal terms or conditions. This means that no one side surrenders to the other, no reparations are paid or improvement restrictions enforced for example. I assume this isnt the White Peace youre referring to? Lets move on so Im told that youre a racist hippie? said Frank, surprisingly happy to refer to his subjects given moniker directly as he had little other ammunition. You must be genuinely delighted to be here then. Surely a hippie can only be a hippie where there is an economically developed society for you to try and reign against. Your civilisation for the next few months is anything but economically developed, so thats one side of your character which should be satisfied for the time being. Frank was now strutting around the room like former TV detective Columbo, addressing the air with most of his thoughts, his ploy to make Hubert sit and listen and while doing so, Frank was becoming more deliberate as he slowed down his speech. Surely as a self-professed hippie you must believe in peace as the way to resolve differences among peoples, ideologies and religions? The way to peace is through love and tolerance. Loving means accepting others as they are, giving them freedom to express themselves and not judging them based on appearances. Also, on a more general point to me, if youre black and racist its understandable. Not acceptable but understandable. Its understandable that some less open-minded black people might feel a touch antagonistic towards their white neighbours given the history of slavery. Nothings changed, the problem hasnt gone away. You lot have effectively been deported because of nonconforming traits in your personality, says it all doesnt it? If just his lot had been deported then there wouldnt be any problems would there? muttered Hubert. His lot! Frank roared, before ushering Dexter into the room to add to his audience. Part of me actually feels blessed to have been born white, how bad is that? Im sure Im not alone, anyone would choose to be white because you probably get an easier life on the whole, and you dont have to deal with issues of oppression towards your ancestors. How a white man can then be racist towards a black man I just dont
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understand, said Frank, holding his stare until Hubert eventually engaged in eye contact. Do you not feel sorry for how our white ancestors treated a fellow human being? Do you not feel sheepish about it? You should be keeping your head down when in their company because believe me we owe them instead youre projecting hate towards them? If your reasons for doing this were selfish, and it made you feel good, then I might be able to understand. But it doesnt, does it? If youre projecting hate towards someone, something, a whole race of people, anything, youre spending a large portion of your life feeling outraged and angry. Youve made being a racist your passion, but surely a passion should be something that you enjoy doing, something that makes you feel good, not something that makes you feel embittered and resentful? Frank had now slowed his speech down to pedestrian levels, as though challenging Hubert to interrupt, but Hubert wasnt taking the bait. I bet you dont even truly understand the mechanics of what it is youre angry about. You live once Hubert, just live your life to the full, enjoy yourself and dont concern yourself with things that make you feel angry. Its insulting as well in a way; were any of your families involved in the world wars? Both of my great grandfathers were and our forefathers like that fought wars against oppressive regimes, largely because these oppressive regimes were bullying, racist and looked down on anyone different. If you pick on someone now because theyre a different race to you then youre insulting amongst others our dead relatives who fought against these regimes. Franks off-the-cuff approach was more identifiable to Hubert and Dexter than theyd expected, neither having previously being able to feel connected in any way with politics or politicians. It drew another response from Hubert. Ive a reason for feeling this way Frank, and its pretty hard to forget about that, he mumbled. I know, but you have to move on and seek to enjoy the rest of your life. You can make that choice to try and forget and then move on. You live once, you surely dont want to spend that life bitter or angry? argued Frank.
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Nuttin excuses iz behaviour towards me, said Dexter. Frank offered his advice to the pair of them about how to get on amicably to make life more bearable for everyone, before manoeuvring Hubert out of the room in order to address Dexter one on one. Dexter, Im going to trust you here, Im going to let you know a bit about Huberts past in the hope that youll not rise to any of the abuse he might direct towards you. His parents died at a young age and he was brought up in a commune in Cornwall Im not sure how he came to be there, but while he was there he was sexually abused by a black man. His reaction in pigeon-holing all black people along those lines is obviously not right, but I think its understandable, when you consider all the other heartache hes been through. And all Im asking is that you try completely ignoring and shutting your ears to any racist abuse you receive I think over time it might help negate it. And its something you can do, just ignore it. If someones inherently racist, youre not going to change their opinions so just look to find the humour in it; you only live once you dont want to spend that time angered by someone. His racisms misguided, but its not intrinsically nasty, its ignorance, naivety and like hes been brainwashed or something. Who knows what happened in that commune? It must have been horrendous though, as hes been brainwashed into an abhorrent view that sits completely against his other values. I saw that you were challenging him to a bout? Or was told you were. I think Im going to put you two together, for a meal round mine or Rubys every week. Please, itll help him see the error of his ways, itd be a good deed, said Frank softly. Ill try an shut my ears off for you Frank, I like you. One ting though, do you think we can get some games going in here, something to challenge us? Im a man who operates off adrenaline, Frank mon, I like to feel the blood flowing. Frank assured him that he was looking into creating a more challenging environment in Clashton and would see what he could come up with, unperturbed by the potential of Dexters competitive character to cause problems. He was almost skipping as he took Floyd for his morning walk, having perhaps complacently already filed the incident away in
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his mind as job done and thinking about his other duties. Having consciously combined the task of giving Floyd his exercise with the task of keeping an authoritative eye on the goings on in Clashton, he was buoyed further when Ruby was the first person he bumped into. Rubes! I spoke with Hubert and Dexter and tried to sort things, I feel like a teacher, counsellor and chief rolled into one. You need anything? Todays the day to catch me, Im on fire! said Frank hyperactively. Mr Noon, Im glad. Frank was finally happy with the formal nature of his title, noting the mischievous tone of Rubys address. Keep going at it! Have we got a vet here by the way? A vet What is it, Tao? Whats wrong with him? replied Frank. Well its not me, Mr Noon, said Ruby with seductive emphasis on Franks surname, one which caused Frank to bumble and blush. No, I didnt mean that, yeah we No, I dont think theres much wrong with him hes limping a bit, and has been for a few days now, interrupted Ruby, saving Frank from his unpolished coquetry. Well I made sure weve got a vet Floyds getting on a bit now and needs a regular MOT. The reply when I asked was that we already have one; would you like to hazard a guess as to why hes here? Because he kills animals? said Ruby tentatively. No, no, not that he kills them, he might like to though. What he hates animals then? Youve got it! We have, at our disposal, a misotherous vet. He seems to hate animals he was with me on the flight and abused poor Floyd the whole way here. He never harms the animals physically and always does whats within his power to make them better. Its just that youll need to prepare yourself, or Tao, for a little verbal abuse. Ill come with you if you want? Ruby rejected Franks offer, feeling at her most independent in years with her new role of responsibility in Clashton. Uncharacteristically Frank didnt over-think the situation and was glad to berth his feelings for Ruby away from that section of his mind. This left him
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free to concentrate on other tasks, notably setting up the programme for Carmelas therapy sessions. His newly found light-hearted attitude disregarding the pessimistic heavy-hearted jilt he assumed would come from opening up to Ruby found its first test twenty seconds later. Ruby and Tao had just said goodbye to Frank when Frank witnessed just how popular she was with a certain resident. Ruby was stopped by Phil, the so-called muscular geek, and Frank managed to drag Floyd around the side of one of the apartments within earshot of Phil and Rubys conversation. He was curious and uneasy about what he might be about to experience, which manifested itself in an apprehensive look on his face. Thirty seconds later those feelings had turned to bemusement, jealousy and finally, resignation. Phil and Ruby had obviously met before, and conducted a perfectly friendly conversation which left Frank in no doubt that others obviously saw Ruby as the superstar he did. He was left wishing it was Swanley listed as a Fat Backpacker rather than the buff Phil who was the other participant in the chat. That his snooping then witnessed Ruby ending the conversation with bai chi and a giggle left Frank even more bewildered, having previously considered the term to be both provocative and personalised for him. There was a brief battle between heart and head, followed by an even more crushing feeling of jealousy which overpowered his emotionally robust defences. As Frank headed towards Carmelas, he tried to convince himself and Floyd that Phil had always been earmarked as Carmelas first patient. Ruby meanwhile, blissfully unaware she was in the spotlight, merrily took Tao to see Quincy, where she was confronted by the less than merry opening gambit of Whats wrong with this ugly, useless, four-legged monster then? Organisationally, things were now settling down in Clashton and Frank was finally trying to move things forward. Hed devised a system he was now convinced would pay dividends, having selected a number of residents to receive therapy la Carmela. The monotony of everyday life in Clashton had seemingly lulled the residents into an obedient coma, and with perfect timing Frank was
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finally in the frame of mind where he was prepared to deal with any problem that came his way. There was soon to be something for him to get his teeth into, and it was brought to his attention by Duncan, a midget policeman. Midget policeman was of course the moniker given to him by the government, but Frank hadnt earmarked Duncan for any special treatment. This was partly because Duncan was an impressively astute individual, and also because Frank was wary of treating those with physical afflictions differently. Duncan stood just a few inches beneath Ruby and, although sceptical at first as to why Duncan had been selected by the machine, Frank became more convinced of Duncans vertically challenged nature when Duncan knocked on his door one morning and was almost be dwarfed by an over eager Floyd who was jumping up to greet him. Woah, get back boy! Ive defeated bigger felons than you in the past, believe me, said Duncan, gesturing, tugging then clumsily pushing Floyd away. Hi Duncan, hows things on the streets? he said, aware and happy that Duncan had found peace in carrying on his policing duties in his new environment. People are behaving at the minute Frank, very quiet out there, said Duncan, forefinger and thumb cupping his chin. One issue though, he said, shoving a pair of steel toe-capped trainers into Franks midst. I found these round the back of Jeremys place. And the problem with them is? Have you not seen these before? Theyre the latest things on the street, steel toe-capped trainers, but look at this, said Duncan, removing the front of the shoe to reveal a storage compartment with a fearsome-looking blade inside. Frank seemed unruffled, instead unable to stop staring at Duncans self-fashioned outfit, one which looked like a tie-dyed Nazi uniform. Oh, are they those slashshoes which have been causing such a fuss? I dont get it really you can buy a pair of steel toe-capped shoes, you can buy a knife, but put them both together and suddenly theyre a bigger problem than terrorism.
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Its not that, Frank. Theyre like a badge of honour amongst some gangs nowadays, theyre highly illegal. My investigations indicate that Jeremy brought them in as his luxury item. Everyone sent to Clashton was allowed to take one luxury item with them. It was something that Frank previously hadnt given much consideration to, especially as it was a rule that didnt apply to him. Alright, Ill head round his now and have a word Ill confiscate them, I guess. I think you should. Ill get back out there and get back to my duties. See you soon Sarge, said Duncan as he left. On the walk over to Jeremys, Frank realised that the owner being Jeremy an aggressive coward perhaps made this more of a concern, and so was on the attack immediately upon arrival. Jeremy opened the door cautiously and, as Frank and Floyd entered rashly, he reacted furiously. Get that thing away from me I fuckin hate them, its huge! Hes alright. Hell just lie down here, he wont bother us, remarked Frank in an unhurried tone. Honestly, youll have to get out if he doesnt stay outside I cant stand them. Frank realised this was the only way forward, so he did as he was told and ushered Floyd outside. Jeremys reaction had only served to further Franks disdain for Jeremys character, Frank having always supposed a link between animal haters and deviants. If we can continue are these yours? said Frank, holding the shoes as if they were a bag of Floyds faeces, post poop-a-scoop. Yeah, Ive been looking for those. Did someone nick them? No I just came across them, said Frank, confrontational certainty written all over his face. Let me guess, you can boot someone in the head with these then run away quickly. Then they fight back you pull the knife on them. Quite the hero, quite the tough guy arent you. Im obviously taking these now. Jeremy was of slight build, five foot seven, with incredibly ruptured skin, and was visibly shying away from Franks authoritative actions. Frank, in turn, could not control a natural instinct to feel for him even though he was aware of his abhorrent personality.
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Its not a big deal, but so I know did you sneak these in or did you officially bring them in as your luxury item? Were the government aware of it? Yeah they was. I just asked them if I could bring em as my luxury item. They kind of said that I could bring them anyway but I didnt have time to pack anyfing else. Alright, no worries. I will still have to take them though, Frank said, galvanised into an almost apologetic state by Jeremys obvious alarm. As Frank left, he tried to assess how Jeremy was allowed to bring a knife to Muta in the first place. He hadnt taken much interest in the press furore surrounding the slashshoes, but he knew that his fellow politicians certainly had. Wondering if whoever let Jeremy bring the trainers to Clashton would have been aware they were essentially a weapon, he couldnt help but think that certain parliamentary peers were probably happy for mayhem to ensue on Clashton as long as this mayhem was as far away from Earth as possible. His mind was filled with thoughts of calling a meeting to discuss everyones luxury item when he overheard the unmistakable sound of a pest in full flow. Come on, why wont you have it off with me? Were here for a long time, it makes sense! was the desperate cry, one which he identified immediately as coming from Nigel, the testosterone-fuelled vicar. As Frank crept round the corner to investigate further, he saw the object of Nigels harassment. It was Kadeisha, a naturist model. She was stunning, and being a naturist rarely had much fabric on to hide her natural beauty. As well as attracting some of the many irritating insects on Muta, her frugal attitude with clothing also attracted the likes of Nigel. Nigel, what are you up to? Dont be pestering people like that again youre not an animal. If youre currently still of a Christian ilk, then maybe start acting in a more Christian manner. And if youve accepted that its clearly fabricated, then find it within your moral composition to respect Kadeishas lack of covering fabric, said Frank, revelling in his spontaneous play on words which saw Nigel scamper off without argument.
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Thanks Frank, I can handle him myself but he can get a bit tiresome. Hes like a little ministerial vibrator that you cant switch off. Oh God, I dont mean Ive actually used him for that purpose said Kadeisha with increasing animation. Oh God, I dont mean I use them at all. Sorry, I just Its alright, I think hes fairly harmless I get the impression that his dog collar actually controls his sexual urges rather than promotes them. Ill keep an eye on it though. Actually, Im gonna call a meeting tonight. Ill invite everyone, its just to see what everyones brought with them as their luxury item. You can come and just observe if you want you can meet some more people here, or you can share what youve brought if you so wish. Its not a vibrator though, is it hotshot? stated Frank, completely out of character, and just as Ruby and Tao came round the corner. Frank couldnt process how much of his sentence Ruby may have heard, and instantly started panicking and blithering uncomfortably. Hey Ruby, Ill speak to you later Im calling a meeting for tonight! shouted Frank, unaware that in the midst of all his hysterical disorientation, his greeting was curt and eliminating almost to the point of rudeness. No Frank, its not a vibrator, and I will come along tonight, whispered Kadeisha, pointedly waiting until Ruby was out of earshot. Kadeisha now sought to probe as to the source of Franks obvious awkwardness, more as a kind-hearted rather than nosey gesture, designed to alleviate his distressed state. Shes a sweetheart isnt she, Ruby. She sure is. I better get going Ill send over details of the meeting to everyone later, said Frank, not surprisingly rebuffing the emotional bait. Anxious to find out what Ruby heard, Frank tugged Floyd back to his apartment in double quick time, perfectly aware that he was probably already making much too big a deal of the whole situation. He decided to take his mind off it by creating a letter and delivering it to all of the apartment blocks in Clashton. His lack of artistic talent combined with his previous experience as a paperboy when younger meant that he managed to quickly deliver all fifty of the
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sloppily constructed memos. The content of the letter was sincere enough, stating that he wouldnt be confiscating any of the items and that he was just intrigued as to whether some of the items could be shared amongst all the residents. However, the formal nature of the letter and its delivery served to provoke a visit from Ruby shortly before the meeting. It was one which Frank was glad of, as it gave him the opportunity to gauge what she may have heard of the conversation between him and Kadeisha, and hopefully put his mind at rest. Hi Frank, hope you dont mind but I brought Tao its about time him and Floyd got used to each other, said Ruby as she arrived. Frank started furiously trying to analyse and deconstruct every syllable of Rubys sentences for clues as to her frame of mind. In contrast to Frank and Ruby, whose minds and hearts were racing, Tao and Floyd now seemed to be adopting a much cooler tone to their relationship, temporarily disinterested in each others presence. Floyds got to understand that Taos just a baby, isnt that right Taoy? continued Ruby. Frank was satisfied that whatever Ruby had heard hadnt dampened her spirits. He still didnt give the conversation his undivided attention however, as he was now considering whether or not Rubys indifference to the situation constituted an even greater snub. So Ruby, are you coming to the meeting tonight? Got to be there in a bit, he said. I will do, yes. It was a bit formal though, the invite, wasnt it? Maybe you couldve just knocked on peoples doors or invited people as and when you saw them? Youve got to loosen up a bit, Frank. Youre a politician remember, and though you dont act like most politicians, most of the people here dont know that, said Ruby tersely. The lectured response in turn invoked a fire in Franks stomach, which he wisely managed to sheepishly extinguish. I know hotshot it wasnt ideal but it was a spur of the moment thing really and I want to get this out of the way. Afterwards I can turn my mind to maybe planning more meetings or looking at how we can get some entertainment going here or something. How many hotshots have you got, Mr Noon? said Ruby, in a
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voice which was reflective, seductive, and ultimately productive if the aim was to baffle Frank further. Frank had long-struggled to come to a detailed understanding women, but his overactive mind meant that a lot of the time he was guilty of over-thinking situations to the conclusion of both friends and the women who brought him such angst alike. Right now, as it often was, his head was a battle between his up-beat ego and his pessimistic tendencies. He didnt know whether Ruby had used Tao as an excuse to see him, whether she was angry, jealous, playfully flirting or just didnt care either way and was, in fact, completely apathetic towards their relationship. Youre the hottest hotshot, I promise, was all Frank could muster.

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- EIGHT -

LUXURIOUS ICE CREAM TUB

Later that day, Frank turned his attention to chairing the upcoming meeting at least thankful that the distraction of the Ruby conundrum had managed to quell the usual pre-public speaking nerves. On arrival to their social club hall, Frank noted through a quick headcount that there seemed to be about half of the residents present, estimating the number at around thirty. He decided to close the doors to the room and make it seem a bit less intimidating and a bit more like a run-of-the-mill careand-share session. I want this to be as informal as possible. I hate being put in onthe-spot situations like this, so its just a case of sharing if youd like to share what youve brought as your luxury item, so we can get to know each other a bit better. Anyone is welcome to just jump in at any time, he said, instantly sweating. We all know each other already Frank, weve been here for a month youre the one who should share with us, come on, just how close are you to that dog of yours? Geez, is it snowing out there or something? Louis heckled, whilst brushing some suspicious white powder off Franks shoulder. Louis was stationed in the seat directly to Franks right, as though auditioning to be his right-hand man. Frank, forever being lectured by Ruby and others to loosen up, was happy to have Louis in his ear, comfortable to open up and banter with him regardless of the environment.
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Louis, Louis, Louis, your honesty might be your undoing, said Frank with the smugness of a man with a plan. Tell us, what have you brought as your luxury item? Alright, its just a few bottles of my favourite bottle of Paco Rabanne, theres nothing wrong with that, argued Louis. There is when its so potent its stinging the eyes of the person sat next to you do you bathe in it or something? replied Frank, noting that the whole room was now to attention. Frank, have you thought about what happens with your job when youre here? I was thinking the other day that Ill always have a job for life because my sales are so good. You, meanwhile, I hear theyre trialling a chimp as your replacement in parliament and, if as expected, he does as worthwhile a job as you, then you wont have a job to go back to. Louis, didnt you tell me you sell houses and work for the Council? They wouldnt have replaced you with a chimp, theyve probably hired 12 chimps to replace you and created 11 new assistant chimp roles to support the senior chimp, regardless of the cost to the public, fired Frank. Id rather be a chimp amongst chimps than a chimp amongst men, replied Louis, visibly proud of what he saw as a finishing jibe. Frank wasnt sure how hed lost the argument, or even if he had, but he swiftly moved on. Angus, what have you brought? Ever th philanthropist Ive brought my ice cream tub along wi me. An ice cream tub? barked Louis incredulously. You look like youve licked every gram of ice cream clean from most ice cream tubs, what have you brought an empty one for? he said, trying to bring the tone back up to a friendly level again. Yooll be glad of this at some point sonny, I reckon itll have a thoosand uses on a planet like this, jist wait an see, said Angus confidently. Frank restored order. Anyone else willing to say what theyve brought? Rubes, do you want to share with us?
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My luxury item is my little furry baby, responded Ruby whilst cradling Tao, an action not enough to stop Nigel seedily loosening his dog collar. Also, Ive brought a load of those new jewellery bracelets in, so if anyone wants one come and see me. What new jewellery thing? said Frank. You know those new bracelets that have just come on the market that change colour depending on your emotional state. It could be fun, we could do some games with them or something, she said, eyes furiously wide. Im not up to date with stuff like that; however, Ive do some little treats myself. I got given some of those new active contact lens things recently you know those ones that use augmented reality and have film playback right on the lens? I dont get on with them, but I thought Id bring them here for you lot to have to pass the time if you want. Apparently theyve got a hundred or so high resolution 3D films on each, so Ill have one of those! said Louis, to cries of me too! mainly from the male population of Clashton. Whoever, just come and see me. Anyone else willing to share? Julian? Frank had naturally picked on Julian, as his imposing physical presence guaranteed that he was foremost in Franks eyeshot. Realising his potential faux pas, he was relieved when Julian was as amiable as Ruby had described. Ive brought a portable boxing ring with me. Id been meaning to speak to you to see if itd be okay to put it up somewhere I thought everyone could use it as a way of keeping fit, if you think thats okay, said Julian timidly, clearly trying to mask his heavy lisp. The gentle tone of his voice certainly belied his stature, his ripped and bulging body looking like a tractor wheel. He also seemed to have almost permanently bloodshot eyes. No of course, thats fine, a good idea. I love boxing. Maybe just shadow boxing though to start off with. Saying that, I guess we could have matches further down the line, maybe even me against Jeremy, said Frank to a couple of strangled outbursts of agreement from the residents, temporarily forgetting Rubys alert about the flourishing friendship between Jeremy and Julian.
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Youll have to fight me first in an eliminator round for the right to fight him, asserted Julian, confidently but not aggressively. Thanks for bringing your ring anyway, well get it set up soon then whoever wants to use it can, Frank said. Speak for yourself, snapped Louis, candidly jumping on the double entendre bait. Frank Ill share this with you, look what Ive brought! shouted Quincy, waving an object above his head. Oh my God, thats disgusting! said Ruby, now head down with her hand over her mouth. Frank was squinting, trying to make out what Quincy was showing him. Theres one little monster thatll never walk on this planet again, Quincys glee was causing considerable commotion and provoked Frank out of his seat for a closer look. Floyd followed and was first on the scene, trying to get at the object with sniffling panache. Oh God, Quincy! Is that a dog? What is it, stuffed? Frank said, voice choked in revulsion. Yes its stuffed its a little warning to your oversized mutt there to watch his step. If youd be so kind as to leave it outside for the moment, said Frank, bemused as he made his way back to his seat. Why do you spend your life making animals better if you hate them so much?! Ruby said firmly as Quincy took his exhibit outside to no reply allowing Frank to continue. Sorry about that. Anyone el Frank found himself unable to finish his question as most of the room was now talking amongst themselves, with one resident occasionally shouting above the others to directly address Frank. It was chaos, but in a friendly, sharing manner which Frank hadnt expected. Kadeisha, what have you brought with you whats your luxury item? shouted Frank. Ive brought this its just a hairbrush, Ive got plenty of hair that I need to keep in shape, said Kadeisha, maybe referring more to the naturist side of her make-up rather than her modelling looks. Whats the difference between a naturist and a nudist? The concepts always baffled me, said Frank.
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Weight of body hair sneered Louis. Its basically that a nudist is someone who likes being nude whereas a naturist, like myself, will dedicate my entire lifestyle and behaviours to the belief and practice of being nude, stated Kadeisha. So basically a naturist just takes it way deeper! laughed Frank. His comment produced a look from Ruby so scalding it suggested that her innocent appearance belied her understanding of double entendres. Yes Frank and, being at one with nature, Im glad youre looking into changing this food. I dont eat food with chemicals in and this stuff is loaded with them. Im also a vegetarian, so if that could be taken into account said Kadeisha. Frank was poised to engage in conflict with Kadeisha, and cite her vegetarian status as ignorant for not accounting for the predatory instincts of animals and the slaughtering of their prey for their own sustenance. Before he could, Dexter jumped in. Mon, Ive brought me chess set wid me but none of yous chickuns iz gonna play me, he said. Ill play you sometime, I was a bit of a pro at chess in my youth. Its a deal, Frank. While were here why dont you ask Hubert what hes brought with him? If he wants to share Im sure he will Dexter, no one here has to share things like this if they dont want to, replied Frank. Hes too chickun to share it with you Frank, its a gollywog and he delighted in showin it to me. Hubert was strangely quiet and Frank considered that Dexter had maybe seized the opportunity to almost bully Hubert as revenge. Frank was about to offer his judgement on the situation when Hubert broke his silence to heap further animosity onto the scene. I havent got it with me, actually. Anyway, why dont you focus on Ken? Someones seen him watching horrible things on his laptop. Suddenly the room was awash with noise, from vitriolic abuse to applauding head-nodding jabber. The bullying chilled Frank, with Ken keeping his head down throughout. He was clearly a quiet man, and Frank sensed the abuse could easily spiral out of control if it cajoled some of the more volatile residents in Clashton into action.
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Watching what exactly? said Frank. Children being abused, its sick added Hubert. But theyre not real children, have I got that right? Theyre just avatar children? So just animations of children being sexually abused, is that correct? Thats right Frank, so its not hurting anyone, and Ive never ever hurt anyone, child or otherwise, or watched real children like that or anything, argued Ken, almost in tears. Christ I havent got a clue on all this, I really dont understand the obsession Ken but its not as if youre alone, half the world seems to be living through these avatar realities, its just outstandingly sad. I guess its about the psychological hurt inflicted by such acts more than anything but Ill need to have a think about it. Its probably just another example of the government not knowing how to deal with this new development. Vince, I see youve got a spade with you is that what you brought as your luxury item? Sure is, Frank. Its to grow me Uncle Reg wif. Grow him? Bury him with, you mean, Louis helpfully offered. Yeah, and youre next on me list. Nah, me Uncle Reg veg. Ive just planted sum loverly broad beans, Ill say one fing for this planet: its got sum crackin soil. Frank was keen to encourage banter rather than an argumentative atmosphere, but didnt yet know the assembled audience well enough to know where the line was. I hope were all going to get to taste these beans the lack of balance in our diets here makes my cooking back home look positively flavoursome. Anyhow its getting late and Floyd might start trying to eat Quincy if we dont get him fed. So if no one else has anything to add? said Frank hopefully, glancing round to then see a timidly raised hand. Er Frank, when I came here I had an addiction to books dyou know what I mean. So Ive got a load if anyone wants to read them, mumbled Eddie. Thats great, thanks Eddie, said Frank. Theyre mainly stuff like celebrities autobiographies, Ive got loads so
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Trust you to be reading crap like that! came the stroppy interruption from someone stationed out of view from Frank. Frank didnt even need to look, recognising the voice as Jeremys. Though opposed to the treatment of Ken, he found it understandable; but Jeremys comment was like a red rag to a bull, hitting on one of Franks most troublesome subjects. What, youre saying hes thick because he has different interests to you Jeremy? There are many different types of intelligence, not just academic knowledge. Common sense and coping skills should be just as highly prized as the ability to complete a maths problem or write a good essay. You need them just as much to survive and achieve, if not more. Theres also a massive difference between being intelligent and being cultured. People seem to think Im pretty intelligent. Am I cultured? No. Am I knowledgeable? Not particularly, no. And I wouldnt seek to be either I think you can know too much. When you marry intelligence and knowledge together it could send you loopy, youd become pre-occupied with stuff. You only live once, why spend it bothering your head with inconsequential stuff? If youre intelligent, you actually realise that youll only bother feeding knowledge into your head that you interesting or that will help you go about your everyday life knowledge without application is pointless. Frank was now in full flow, quickly extrapolating far more from Jeremys comment than both he and everyone present expected. God, it winds me up so much if anyone calls anyone else uncultured, in my opinion that person is then instantly unintelligent. It means they cant understand that some people have got different interests and views to themselves. The definition of cultured is something like to be enlightened and educated. If you then call someone uncultured, youre damning them for not being educated which is disgusting as its probably not their fault. Its about your interests more than anything. Whos to say that being interested in art means youre more cultured than someone interested in football which in a sense can be seen as an art form anyway and, either way, none of that has any bearing on intelligence. Intelligence and knowledge are two very different things.
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Franks comments seemed well received by the attentive gaggle, many of whom were casting disparaging looks Jeremys way not that Jeremy was bothered. Frank himself was embarrassed by how he had got carried away and strayed from the subject matter of Jeremys original comment. Towards the end of his rhetoric, he felt as though he was in formal public-speaking mode and his cheeks undertook a chameleon-like change from pale white to Venetian red. Back to the matter at hand. What I will say is that, if you think any of the items youve brought with you would be helpful for anyone else to use such as Julian or Eddie, thanks for that you two then please think of others and offer whatever it is around. The speed of Franks speech was quickening considerably as his sentences lengthened, both a product of the Jeremy-fuelled adrenalin. His heart and Floyd were thankful when he decided to wrap up proceedings shortly afterwards. Frank and Floyd were through the exit door first, Frank glad that Floyds hunger negated any suspicions of rude behaviour. As he left the hall, he let out an audible sigh of relief. The two-second reflective pause he allowed himself was discourteously interrupted by Floyd tugging him off his feet. It was sufficiently long enough, though, to allow the group behind to close significantly enough to propel Frank into an eavesdropping capacity. Oooh, Rubes is it? Frank heard, followed by a series of muffled whistles, jeers and playful teasing. Frank remembered that was how he referred to Ruby earlier and let Floyd walk at his desired speed in the hope of getting away from the potentially awkward situation. His hopes were scuppered as he overheard Ruby say Im just going to have a quick word with Frank, facilitating further derision from the masses. Hi Frank! Just wanted to catch you, I thought that was great your thoughts at the end were great. I got carried away a bit didnt I, sorry; its just one of my pet hates. People assume doctors for example are all fiercely intelligent, Im not sure thats a pre-requisite to being a doctor. You need a good knowledge base yes, but knowledge is easily learned or referred to in a book, so if youre a hard worker, or if youve got a photographic memory, youll instantly make a good doctor. Im not sure the actual skill set is that high and yet theyre all revered, said Frank, now
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sitting more comfortably having turned Rubys compliment into a censure. It was brilliant what you said did you not see how everyone was hanging off your every word and really listening? We should do this more often, have more sessions like this, make them every few days or something itd be like group therapy and everyone can learn so much. Woah! Settle down, Im no therapist. Thats what Carmelas for, Im seeing her tomorrow actually to see how all thats going. They dont like her Frank, she sounds like shes being horrible to them. When they come away from her sessions, theyre in their shell for hours after. Its not right. Thats the nature of her therapy, and it seems to be controlling them up to now. Ill speak to her tomorrow and see how she thinks its going. Its not controlling them Frank they dont need controlling, theyre essentially good people, youve acknowledged that yourself. Anyway I better go, sighed Ruby. Rubes, thanks. I will try and fit more stuff like this in, but itll be alongside Carmelas treatment for the moment. Thats the only way I can see that has the potential to genuinely make a difference in a way we can then demonstrate to the government. By the way, that jewellery thing, those bracelets youre unbelievable you know that? You were told you were being sent here, completely unfairly though obviously no ones here fairly. And what, you just thought youd round up the jewellery to hand out and play games with and stuff? You have the sweetest mind, its an eight-year-old mind at times as Ive said before, but its just unbelievably sweet and endearing. Bai chi Frank, said Ruby, embarrassed. As Frank and an increasingly impatient Floyd went home, he considered that there had been very little governmental contact of late and, in turn, very little contact with his family. He wondered whether subconsciously he didnt want to find out that Ruby was there by mistake and could return home. For once he successfully, and wearily, put the concerns away from the forefront of his mind and stored them on his iWatch to-do list.

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RAYS STEADY MOUSTACHE

Frank was out on his morning walk with Floyd the next day when he bumped into Marcel and Gaynor. He hadnt seen them for a few days and suddenly realised that they werent at the previous nights gathering. Hi Marcel, Gaynor, said Frank with a nod of the head. You werent at the meeting last night. Were you aware of it? Did you just decide not to come? Thats fine if so, he said. It was no reason really, we were a bit tired. I brought my ballet shoes with me as my luxury item Ill be back in them one day Frank. By the same rationale, Marcel I can speak for myself thanks, sugar-tits. Ive brought my mime gloves with me Ive got them on now, see! scoffed Marcel. Frank was slow to catch on that hed have to bend down to look at them, to his, but no one elses, embarrassment. Floyd, however, was already over-enthusiastically sniffing them out, far less respectful than his master, something which the bull-headed Marcel appreciated. Better get on anyway. Again, if theres anyth We know Frank, if theres anything we need well come and see you. Were getting on just grand at the minute though. Even this miserable soul is lightening up a bit. I agree, hang fire on getting us back to Earth. Its peaceful here, a relief to be away from all the crap we deal with back there, added Marcel. Okay, Im speaking to them today, actually, but I wont refer to your situation. Have a good day.
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Frank glanced down at his iWatch to see his telephone date with Government lynchpin Keith Baldus was ten minutes away. For once it was him dragging Floyd back to his apartment; a feat which reassured him that he wasnt in as bad a shape as he had suspected. Hi Frank, its Keith, hows things? was the informal voice which apathetically greeted him a full half hour later. I could be better. I havent heard from anyone for ages it feels as though were completely detached here. You said thered be contact with my family on a regular basis. Once every few weeks doesnt really cut it as regular. I suppose we could contact you more often, but what is there to say? Youre all there for the next couple of months and your family knows they need to contact us to get through to you and we havent heard from them. Oh right, said Frank, his heart sinking horribly. Oh, there is something I need to bring up, actually. Weve a girl here, Ruby Wu. Do you know why shes here? Shes been a great help to me, actually, but she doesnt seem to have any affliction or any telling contradictory personality traits. Is there a chance its a mistake? I wouldnt have thought so Frank, I was assured the system and machine were foolproof. I will check for you though. Of course, if it is a mistake its your call whether you then tell her that. Frank was aggrieved, but no longer surprised, that Keith, a governmental figurehead, was hinting at dishonesty and disguise. He was more appalled though that the thought had actually crossed his mind that Keiths corrupt suggestion was spot on. With his brain still reeling from learning that his daughters werent seeking to speak to him, Franks thought process was a lot slower than usual. Frank, are you still there? Yes Im here. Okay, let me know as soon as youve found out about Ruby. Some time in the next few days would be great. And can you try and contact Jess, Lynne and Emily for me? Its Jess birthday next week so to hear from her then would be nice. I just Hold on Frank, someone seems to have intercepted the line somehow, bear with me, jested Keith, with an audible click of a control pad.
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Dad, its Lynne! came the excited voice. Realising she was waiting on the line the whole time, Frank was furious. He was irate that Keith had clearly considered the whole emotional situation so trivial as to treat him like a four year old about to receive a bicycle for Christmas. He put that to one side to concentrate on the immediate enjoyment of speaking to his daughter. Hi sweetie, hows things? Hows everyone! he said with camp vocal excitement. Were all fine, how are you? And Floydie? said Lynne matter-offactly. Im good, Floyds good you know him, more adaptable than most. Whats up? Are you sure everythings alright? And everyone? Lynne was the middle of Franks three daughters and the most grounded, but Frank still detected an unusually downbeat attitude. No, everythings fine. Its just why havent we heard from you, Dad? It was the question Frank had been dreading, having been given little guidance on the story theyd been told. Ive tried, but Ive only got one number I can get through to from where I am, and it doesnt seem to be manned all that often. Ill have a word with my boss, try and get contact with you more often. I miss you all so much, every day, you know that. And just think of the money, thatll all go to you lot. You know money doesnt bother me, but itll pretty much set you all up. Dad, we dont care about the money, we just want you here. Judy was ill last week, Jess is never here because shes got a new boyfriend shes here now, actually Ill put her on in a minute but it means Im having to play mum and dad to them both, you know what Emilys like, said Lynne, referring to Emilys haphazard attitude to life in general, one which Frank tolerated as it reminded him so much of their mother. Ill see what I can do sweetie, see if maybe I can get back for a week sometime. But in a couple of months time Ill be back for good forever, and youll all be secure financially for more or less the rest of your lives. There was no way I couldve offered you that otherwise.
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We dont even know where you are. Some government guy phoned us the other day, and all hed say was that you were currently unavailable and that were to try and be as discreet as possible as to where youve gone. Is it like some MI5 thing? Frank was glad for the prompt, and wished it were the truth. Its something like that. You know I cant say much, though. Hold on, did you say Jess had a boyfriend? How longs that been going on? How old is he, whats he like? stuttered Frank with old-fashioned intent. Here yare, you can speak to her now Ill speak to you soon, try not to make it too long this time! Ill do my best, I promise. Oh, and Dad ask Jess about the new football team she supports, added Lynne, to the sound of background sisterly bickering. Hey Dad, its Jess. Hey doodlebug, how are you? Before you tell me, whats this about a new boyfriend, and you dont support Liverpool anymore? said Frank, reigniting his old-fashioned outlook, from embarrassing pet name through to over-protective fatherly concern. Im brilliant Dad, dont listen to Lynne, shes just being miserable and trying to play mum to us because she hasnt got a life of her own. Dyou know Liverpool are playing Man U now? Really? Whats the score? And why are you suddenly watching football? Man U winning one nil, and Im watching it because Im seeing a cute guy who supports them, and I like a cute guy who plays for them, again in a manner reminding Frank of his flirtatious Jane, almost goading Frank into taking the attention-seeking bait. Whos this guy? From college again? No, Jacobs not from college, hes got a really good job. Gets as many free bin bags as he wants. Very funny. Right then, Jacob? Bit of a religious name isnt it? How old is he? What job? Come on doodlebug, you know the score, share! Jess gave the distinct impression she was relishing being the receiver of her Dads undivided attention, however draconian and misplaced it may have been.
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Youll have to come back if you want to meet him, or Ill let you meet him if you give me an advance on the money youre earning for us all, said Jess, playfully and enchantingly to Franks annoyance. No Dad, hes only 21, he likes to be called Jabs, hes on a graduate management thing at one of those new banks, asserted Jess with considerable boredom. Im not happy I cant meet him, but I trust you not to knock around with wrong uns, remember that. Bloody Jabs? Just tell him Ill be jabbing him if he does wrong by you. Is Emily there? Put her on the phone, Ill get her opinion see if shell dish the dirt. Ha you cant! Shes not here, shes hardly ever here nowadays, spends most her time round Martins house. Really, they getting serious then? About time, hes a good kid, I hope Jacobs like that. Jabs sounds a bit like a bit of a chancers name to me, bet he lives down the pub, said Frank, as facetiously as Jess before. He doesnt; hes a bit boring actually, not as boring as Martin but not far off. Borings good. My ideal boyfriend for you would be someone called Ray, something like that. Ray has a nice steady moustache, he drives a Rover. He drives this Rover to his job as a Financial Advisor, Frank continued, momentarily forgetting his hatred for all things capitalist. He works a steady 40-hour week, his job pays well, provides for your entire future. He respects you, so much so that he doesnt have sexual relations with you out of wedlock. You have two children, live a happy, peaceful, faithful existence and live happily ever after. Sure dad! giggled Jess. And youre only doing this job so you can provide for me, remember? So thats covered. Otherwise you can come home now. You know Nan came round the other day? I didnt no, I spoke to her not so long ago and got an earful. How is she? Shes so miserable. She was slagging you off constantly for leaving us in the lurch and stuff. Shes alright, be good to her. And your Grandad, hes fine?
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Yeah, hes fine. He just sits in his chair all day long doesnt he, tapping his fingers, who knows what he thinks about. Hows Floyd anyway? Is he missing my power walks? Ha! He may well be, he looks as though hes put on about a stone. No, hes fine though hes helping me get by without you lot. I really better go, I think we might get cut off soon. All of you take care and Ill try to speak to you soon. Oh, and make sure Emily is there if you get to ring me soon. Oh, and Judys not there I assume? I cant hear her fussing in the background. Shes fine as well? Shes fine yes. I keep telling her well replace her one day soon with one of those helper androids. Jess! Dont wind her up; think about what shes doing for you lot. Honestly Dad, Millies got one in her house because Graham works away from home, you pre-programme all of the personal information into it and it does everything. Jess, Graham would buy her a pony that shits diamonds if he could. These androids, robots, whatever, Im not happy about getting one until the legislation on their use has been tightened. Its a minefield. Jess petulantly agreed to disagree, and put Franks mind at ease about various other worries, and they said their goodbyes; goodbyes that were prematurely prescribed by Frank with him wanting to appear strong in the face of mutual cravings to return to everyday family life and banter. To Franks dismay, his governmental contact had gone upon the termination of his call with his family. He had other points to query but, upon pondering whilst pacing, he concluded that he knew the answer to his queries already each one negative. Frank and Floyd paced on an even footing straight round to Carmelas apartment for professional purposes. Even though Frank had no interest in a social relationship with Carmela, he felt he had to tell himself this over and over, still haunted by guilt over the perceived intimacy of their previous encounters. Hi Frank! Youve brought that dog with you again, Im not quite sure how healthy your relationship is with him was Carmelas terse opening gambit.
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Her deliberate pause morphed into a sigh. Come on in. It was a comment which instantly riled Frank, seeing it as a slight on him, Floyd and his daughters. In his fragile, familyorientated, emotional state he had to force himself to control his naturally argumentative instincts, aware there were more pressing issues to be discussed. His annoyance was clear, though, through his unsociable tone as he requested an update into how the therapy sessions were going showing no interest in the prescribed terminology for such practices. Assured by Carmela that they were fine but that it was the start of what could be a long process, Frank then had to fight off more overtures as she revealed shed sneaked into their recent group meeting. Were you there for all of it? he interrupted. No, but I did catch your passionate speech about knowledge and intelligence. Frank was inwardly pleading that Carmela wouldnt come onto him again, and so was happy to wax lyrical on any subject which temporarily prevented the conversation from heading that way. Bit over the top wasnt it. All I was trying to get across really was that I think that if youre intelligent then you shouldnt become knowledgeable as well, because the likelihood seems that youll become an arsehole. Actually, I guess knowledgeable and unintelligent people are worse than the knowledgeable and intelligent people. What do you reckon as well about the theory that the more you know the more there is to be unhappy about ignorance is bliss and all that? I know its not overly scientific, but Ive always subscribed to it I kind of wish I was born a pinhead or something, they were apparently the happiest people on the planet. Oh, and another thing dont ever think that just because people are fortunate enough to have had a paid education that theyll be intelligent. Ive been in politics for twenty years now, most I rub shoulders with have had a privileged education, and yet the last three people who have run this country have been old-fashioned, unintelligent, and narrow-minded. Ironically, the fact that they
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havent acknowledged that educating more people on the right stuff is the key to a positive society shows just what unintelligent idiots they actually are, said Frank in true befuddled fashion. Calm down Frank, youll give yourself a heart attack! said Carmela, noting Franks cheek colour change from pale to pink. Youre a profound man Frank, you know that? Id love to have you as my patient. Oh, and I dont think youd want to be a pinhead, your head is perfectly formed. I really enjoy listening to you rather than speaking to you Frank, I could do it for hours on end. You could be my kind of perfect patient in that sense, though I wouldnt be confident that we wouldnt violate the doctor-patient code of conduct, so maybe not, giggled Carmela. Frank coughed nervously, all the while doing his best to avoid eye contact. Dyou know I bumped into Marcel and Gaynor today, have you met them the two people in wheelchairs? said Frank with disregard for Carmelas subject matter. Yeah, Ive seen them around not spoken to him though, are they bad? Theyre not great, mused Frank, not sure what good or bad related to. No, they actually seem to be getting on well here. Thats what got me. Theyve brought their ballet shoes and mime gloves with them as incentives, convinced that one day theyll be back in action. How do you have that belief, that enthusiasm, that zest for life in the face of what theyve gone through? Im such a coward really, if something like that happened to me Id just end it all. The only consideration in thinking I could live through it all would be my daughters, which they havent got. Frank, I think youd be strong enough to overcome something like that. Your mentality would change if something like that happened, and knowing you as the strong man I do I think youd battle through it, said Carmela, clutching Franks rippling arm in the process. Also, Im not sure its a necessarily healthy attitude theyre taking towards their plight. I assume their handicaps are fairly irreversible, so the day might come when they realise this. That could be a crushing, almost fatal blow. I could see them for you if you want?
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No, no, thats fine. They seem happy as they are, so well leave it for the moment, replied Frank, finding the thought of physical disability and abusive therapy worryingly incompatible, whilst wondering if anything would ever transmit compassion into Carmela. See, it could also be thanks to Ruby. Its not just Marcel and Gaynor, everyone else seems so remarkably well-behaved, and she seems so close to them all. Ive got to give her every credit because I havent been spending as much time as I should with them, he said. I think youre overplaying her role and downplaying your own a bit, Frank. With you speaking to them like the other night, and me seeing the more problematic ones and hopefully with that working, I think itll make a real difference. I know Ruby is friendly with them all but Im not sure its productive, it might even be counter-productive over time, but well see. Luckily for Frank, Floyd had crept into the room from his coldly given area in the kitchen. As the green steam coming out of Carmelas ears was threatening to turning the air blue, Frank was left to discreetly praise Floyd for yet again providing him with extenuating circumstances for his exit.

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THERAPEUTIC FIRE
While Carmela and Frank were bickering as to Rubys true worth, Ruby herself was blazing her benevolent trail through Clashton. Shed developed a daily routine whereby she visited a lot of the residents even acting as a meals-on-wheels service to those like Eddie whose daily routine saw that lunch wasnt a top priority. As she hot-footed it from Clashton Social Club with a plate of unidentifiable slop in her hand, bound for Eddie, she witnessed the usual factions grouped around the town. In the blue corner, quite literally, were Julian and Jeremy. Jeremy was stationed in the corner of Julians boxing ring whilst Julian went through his punishing daily practice. Ruby had suspicions that Jeremy had been acting like a school bully whilst her back was turned and assumed that the residents were too scared of Julian to inform her directly. In the red corner was the flame-haired Amber. Amber was tagged as an old-fashioned prostitute, largely because she liked to be romanced before being paid for her services. Though not actively working since arriving in Clashton, her tagline of woo me, pay me, fornicate me often littered the Clashton night sky. Ruby found her endearing and had noted that the only difference between her attitude and Ambers when it came to dating was the exchange of money; Ruby also yearned to be wooed. Hi Amber, Ive got to take this over to Eddie Ill pop by and have a word with you on the way back, said Ruby, almost doffing an imaginary cap.
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Okay Rubes, Ill see you in a bit. Its the 1st September today, another month another dollar! chortled Amber, glistening in a Victorian-style frock. Five minutes of high-powered small-paced plate-juggling later, Ruby had arrived at Eddies apartment and was greeted by no response upon her first knock. The knock was a feat in itself given that she had a plate in one hand and a hungry-hinting Tao in the other. She tried again, and again, eventually hearing a stirring from the other side of the door. A weary-looking Eddie answered the door, eyes reddened, face gaunt, clothes dirty, altogether an even more dishevelled package than usual. Eddie you okay? Ive brought you this, Ill put it on the table, said Ruby, doubting Eddie had the strength and aptitude to handle and balance the plate. Have you you been crying why, whats wrong? Nowt, its just cryings me latest addiction, I fink, he said croakily. Id suggest cat food might be your latest addiction, judging by the amount of tins in here. Do you eat it? Where do you even get it from, I didnt know anyone here had a cat? I just get a taste for it, know what I mean. Theres loads of it in that food store place, I havent seen a cat around here yet though. Im feeling stronger than ever coz of it though, I havent eaten this well in years. Sorry for saying this Eddie, but you dont look strong you look pretty awful! Your eyes are puffy and red, what have you been doing? Wasnt this morning one of your sessions with Carmela? quizzed Ruby. It were but its nowt to do with that its nowt to do with anything, theres nowt wrong wi me, he replied, head bowed with no eye contact. Come on Eddie, theres something up. What came out of that session with Carmela, was it her? What does she actually do with you in there? Nuffin, were not allowed to say anything. I think it might work, thats what she tells me. That itll stop my addictions an stuff, that I
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need to be aware of exactly who I am, an the person I am, and then when I can look at meself an see that, then Ill make the decision to change. What did she say Eddie? You can tell me, you know you can trust me, I wont tell her or anyone. Nuffin. She just said that Im worthless, that if I was on fire shed dial 998, stuff like that. She said how weak I was with me addictions and that me going after new ones was disgusting and desperate, said a confused Eddie. What? Thats unbelievable! raged Ruby. Dont listen to any of it, youre not worthless, youre worth as much as any person, any person in the world. You dont have to do this, you dont have to go and see her, continued Ruby, her frantic hand gestures intending to cajole Eddie into an outraged state. In truth, it was only Taos state that altered sending the pugnacious bulldog running for cover. Carmelas castigation obviously hadnt really bothered Eddie, evidently helped by his ignorance to the celebrity reference. Ruby was confused. She didnt know whether to take it as a sign that Carmelas treatment was working on some level, or that her sessions had seen him hit rock bottom and he was in a place where he now didnt care about anything, or even that he was just contented and high on cat food. Ruby didnt even momentarily consider option one given her distaste for everything Carmela focusing her mind instead on the conclusion that Eddie was so low that he was losing the will to live. As she reassured Eddie that shed be back to see him soon, she was already concentrating on how she could over-dramatise everything shed just heard in order to get Frank to see sense and dispose of the Carmela experiment. She decided that she needed to speak to the majority of other residents who had been in with Carmela, not at all relishing the task despite her will to expose Carmelas methods as irresponsible. Shed noted that Eddie had mentioned that Tarqney was in the waiting room when he left and so that was her next port of call. Hi Tarqney, just popped over to see you I guess Im lucky to
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catch you arent I, youve just come from a session with Carmela, havent you? was Rubys opening gambit, her detective skills lacking a certain sharpness. One did just have a session, it is true. Now Im about to take a pew here and eat this tripe they try to pass off as luncheon. How I wish we had a Greggs here, do you think you can campaign for myself Rubes and get one here? Ha, I think even Id struggle to get Frank to jump on that one. Ill be quick anyway and let you get back to your tripe, replied Ruby. It was just about your meetings with Carmela really, I was wondering how theyre going? Ive heard from some of the others here she can be quite harsh to the point of being cruelly abusive Im wondering what your experience has been like. Ah Carmela, one does think that shes in need of a good seeing-to. She needs to lighten up, give her half an hour in the bedroom with me, rubber on, and Id Okay, okay, I get the impression. But what does she actually say to you? I find it all most amusing, actually. She had a jolly good go at ones goatee beard of all things today, would you believe. She doesnt think it looks overly dashing, one thinks her exact words were that my sickly designer goatee resembled a miniature toilet seat, an appropriate likeness given that my mouth stirred up more shit than your average toilet bowl, said Tarqney, the look on Rubys face prompting further reassurance. It really doesnt bother me. I dont even know why I need to go there and see her to be honest, I dont really listen to a word the old goat says. Its unbelievable, shes abusing you all it seems especially picking on your appearance, I dont see why. Can you see how it might upset some people? argued Ruby. Sure, its not right but what can one do? Its not right that were here and thats the main reason we feel victimised. I couldnt care less what that woman says. Now, I better eat this tripe before it gets even more inedible, if you dont mind. No, of course, Ill leave you be. Do you know anyone else whos seeing Carmela regularly at the moment?
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I saw Swanley, you know the backpacker chap, gorging on some food in the waiting room, so one suggests hed be a cracking flutter if youre hoping to uncover something to vilify the poor woman further, said Tarqney with a telling wink. Ruby quickly left, embarrassed that Tarqney had managed to expose her plans. She also left incredibly frustrated that, to the man looking in from the outside that man looking remarkably like Frank Carmelas therapy would appear to be doing no harm. People were either genuinely not bothered by the abuse, or if they were, they werent prepared to show it either way you could argue her practices were resulting in harmless consequences. Swanleys apartment was now next on the list in her patient chain, and as she continued afoot Tao was in his element, out in the open air, meeting and greeting, the smell of tripe still fresh in his nostrils. Soon after, she was knocking on her third door in quick succession the doors in Clashton not afforded the luxury of doorbells due to a limited electrical supply. Again initially greeted by no response, a muffled sound came from behind her just in time to alleviate any growing concerns. It was the sound of Swanley trying to offer a greeting, his vocal chords clearly obstructed by significant fodder. Ruby and Tao were quickly ushered inside by a sheepish-looking Swanley, Taos nose sniffing the ground. Hi Swanley, sorry I havent spoken to you much before, theres so many people here I struggle to see everybody sometimes. You know Im Ruby, right? Of course! Youre our Mother Teresa, said Swanley after politely digesting the last of his food. Ha! Hardly. Anyway, Im here about your sessions with Carmela, youve been there today? Shes a cow I hate her, he said in a childish tone. Ill let you into a secret, I think that too. Why do you say that though, is she horrible in those sessions? She picks on me, like shes a school bully or something. I dont know what Ive done wrong! God, youve done nothing wrong, honestly. Its just certain people think that her way of speaking to you is the way to go. I dont even
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know why you are one of her patients though, has she said? said Ruby, picking up on the fact that Swanleys affliction was physical rather than personality-based. She said to me that Im fat, and Im fat because Im weak so I need toughening up. The look on Rubys face was flickering between anger and pity almost with each blink of her eyes. So what exactly has she said to you, the nasty stuff? I know its hard for you to say, but I need you to tell and trust me, I might be able to stop it then. Shes said that I need to realise how fat and disgusting Ive become before I change anything. She pointed out that I had the same fat content as a pork pie. Today, she said I need to grow up and make my own way in the world and asked me if I still lived at home. When I said yes she said that I was probably still getting breastfed by my mum and that, by the time I contemplate fleeing my mums bosom or something like that, Ill be too bedridden by my immense fat to do so, said Swanley, counting each volley of abuse on his fingers, almost breaking his fingers as he did so. Im so sorry. I tried to stop this happening, honestly and believe me, Ill try again. We can maybe look at just refusing to go, they cant force you to have therapy. But Ill get back to you before your next session anyway, hopefully with the news you never have to go again. Rubys ever sweet nature was being severely tested. As her evidence gathering continued to pick up pace, she was feeling a level of anger she was finding hard to control and even harder to quantify. She was also doubting whether her feelings were of an entirely selfless nature, given her biased stance against Carmela. Next on her trail was Ken and she wasnt looking forward to the visit. Partly because she still wasnt sure how unsettling his avatar criminality was, and partly because she was starting to feel some influence from the hatred directed towards Ken from the other residents in Clashton. The polite but damning judgement of his book cover was one clearly not shared by Tao, who almost mauled Ken the moment he opened the door. The mauling was a loveable rather than
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aggressive one, leaving Ruby and Ken awash with awkwardness and embarrassment. Oh God Tao! He gets like that sometimes I dont know why! said Ruby with unconvincing naivety. Ken feigned to comment with a wisecracking look in his eye, but clearly felt better of it, perhaps aware of his status in Clashton. Hi, Ruby isnt it? What can I do for you? Hi yes, sorry I havent seen much of you around here, I seem to be saying that to a lot of people today. No offence, and no need to apologise, its best I keep myself to myself, said Ken. I cant stay long so Ill be out of your way soon. The reason Im here is because I know youve been going to see Carmela, and I was wondering if you can tell me your opinion of her and what shes been saying to you? Its just shes been upsetting a lot of people and I want to piece things together and see what can be done. Ha, right! Its meant to be confidential, Ken said, convincing neither himself nor Ruby that he cared about that fact. I can confirm that shes pretty out of order with what she says, but I get worse from other people here on a daily basis. Can you give me any examples of what shes said to you? Youre a regular heroine, eh. Shes told me that my face looks like a shopping bag half full of dog shit, and that I look like the type of person who would order a shepherds pie from a motorway service station which I have done, actually, so I didnt take that as an insult. She just verbally abused me really, but I remember those two because at least they showed a level of wit, unlike the other insults I get here. Dyou know someone called me period breath the other day? Its like being back in the playground. Also, she said other more obvious things about me liking kids and stuff. I couldnt care less what anyone here thinks of me her, the others. This avatar stuff, its an alternative reality almost, entirely not influencing how I act in real life. Ruby was entirely confused and, slightly shaken, wrote down the evidence of Carmelas bile towards him, politely made her excuses and left. There was such a low matter-of-factness to Kens speech
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that she considered that he must have hit rock bottom, remembering from her own experience of being bullied at primary school that you eventually reach a point where you just dont care. She had a couple of other residents to see and quickly went about that task before dropping Tao off at home and heading for Franks. She felt that taking her dossier with her was unnecessary and overly officious, so she had condensed the points she had to make and was visibly memorising them when she bumped into Duncan, policing the streets as was his wont. Talking to yourself? Thats the first sign of madness Ruby, Ill be keeping an eye on you, said Duncan. Ha! No Im just on my way to speak to Frank about something important, and I want to make sure I get my lines right. Is this the mission to get rid of Carmela? Its the talk of the town. Oh God! Really? I hope Frank hasnt heard already. Were all behind you Rubes, try and get her sent back to Earth or something the next couple of months will be unbearable if I have to see her all the time. Wait, youve been going to see her too? she said with disbelief. Only the once, but that was enough. She told me that maybe I could draw less attention to my disability by dressing up in childrens clothes and passing myself off as a toddler. I expected more imagination to be honest, going by what shes said to the others. Thats unbelievable! I better go now so Ive got that ammunition stored up as well. Go get him Rubes, and remember to stay aware at all times if you see or hear anything suspicious Im your man, come and see me, said Duncan whilst motioning Ruby to go forth. Will do, see you soon, said Ruby, subconsciously reacting to Duncans motioning and almost adopting a military style charge towards Franks. Her charge was interrupted as she stomped past the busiest street corner in Clashton, and Amber gestured for her attention. Toodaloo, Ruby! Amber called out. You wanted to speak to me? Its nothing major but I was just wondering about Kadeishas relationship with Frank are they seeing each other? enquired Ruby.
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Her increased impatience in trying to get to see Frank meant she couldnt have cared less about the transparent and curt nature of her question. Frank and Kadeisha? God no, I didnt even know they were on speaking terms. Its Phil and Kadeisha who seem to be getting close, shes coy about it though. Oh right. Okay thanks, will catch up soon. Ive got to get off now, have a good day. No worries, I will Rubes! Business is slow, but I can sense its gonna pick up today who can resist these charms? said Amber with a grandiose twirl of her dress. A striding millisecond later shed arrived at Franks door, and it was a disturbing sound that greeted her one that sent her prudish mind wild with distress. Ruby assessed what she was hearing, concluding it could only be Frank in the throes of sexual ecstasy, and inexplicably couldnt stop herself from bursting in unannounced. Frank, what mustered Ruby as she burst through the door, realising she had nothing planned for any other words after what. Fortunately none were needed, as she was confronted by a topless Frank doing chin-ups on a rusty-looking metal bar, Floyd looking on bemused. Sorry, I thought I heard some noises from outside that startled me, I thought you were in trouble or something. Not trouble I just thought what with the door open and that noise, I just thought well, worried about Floyd, really, stumbled Ruby. Whilst Frank was happy to revel in Rubys awkwardness and let her talk herself out, Rubys emotions were more jumbled than ever; Franks buff body now in her head trying to distort things further. I was so hot in here I had to get some air in this poxy airconditioning thing is playing up again. Do you like my work of art? said Frank, pointing towards his unstable rusty bar. It looks a bit unsafe? Its not, its supporting me just fine. Its literally my greatest practical achievement erecting this. Im the worst practical person in the world art, design, anything like that Im laughably bad at. Do you know I got a U in my Art GCSE? I didnt even think that was
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possible. You could probably spit on a piece of paper and get an F! At our one school parents evenings they put my artwork behind a door and kept the door open all night, thats genuinely true, he said, a mock tear in his eye. Anyway, straight down to business do you want to put a top on? suggested Ruby. Sure, fire away and Ill get myself straight Im listening. Im here about Carmela. Shes going way too far with what she says to the people here, and this isnt telling tales Frank Ive spoken to most of the people shes seen and theyre appalled by how she treats them. Appalled, timid, no confidence, shes ripping them apart. But thats what she said shed do. When I spoke to her a bit more about the treatment in depth, she explained that she has to bring them down to their lowest ebb before building them back up. Any abuse from her is just part of that process, said Frank, still topless and apparently not in any rush to feel fabric against his skin. God, will you put a top on! said Ruby demandingly, before continuing hysterically. Do you not see, though, that most of these people are being crushed by her? Some to the extent that they dont want to leave their apartment, let alone go back to see her again. Theres no need to pick on their appearance surely, thats what shes doing its completely out of order Frank. I see that he replied, before being overpowered with more of her rant. Its abusing their physical appearance which is wrong, completely uncalled for and theres no way it can be productive. Do you want to know some of the stuff shes been saying? she continued, anxious to put her revision notes to use. She told someone that their face looked like itd been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe, she said someone else looked like a shopping bag full of poo, she even picked on poor Jayson, who everyone knows has bad halitosis, and told him to try and regulate his breathing so he breathes out when everyone else does. Its ridiculous! Frank couldnt stifle a laugh at the insults that he found genuinely funny. It was entirely instinctive, and before his brain had time to process how inappropriate it may have been.
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Im sorry, Im sorry I know said Frank with his hand defensively motioning. Simultaneously Ruby was steaming. You think its funny? No no honestly, its just the way you tell them, hotshot, he sniggered. I cant believe youre making a joke of this, of me Frank. Im not! Its just those things she said remind me of how my mates would speak to me, thats all. I know its not on and Ill have a word with Carmela about it, I promise. I bet if it was Kadeisha here before you, youd be deadly serious and bowing down to her every request, wouldnt you. And you can save your hotshots for her as well. Bai chi, said Ruby with a disapproving shake of the head, her jealousy finally spilling over like a flooded river full of illicit lottery-winning lovers. Woah! What dyou mean by that? Ive got no interest in Kadeisha, Im just here to do my job then go back to my family, said Frank. He then cunningly but subconsciously pounced on the opportunity to turn the chat into a bigger altercation, playing out the scene as if they were in a school playground relationship. Anyhow, you seem to be far closer to Phil than me to Kadeisha, and you want to watch that, hes not exactly the safest resident for you to cavort with. And I dont know what point youre trying to make anyway. Cavorting! shrieked Ruby. I think Ive only even met him twice since Ive been here. And anyway, apparently Kadeisha and Phil are getting on rather well. So if you can put your jealousy aside there Frank, maybe youll see just what a worry that is and seek to put an end to it, maybe. What its a worry that Phil likes her and not you? chortled Frank cheekily. Youre being ridiculous, said Ruby. The childish nature of the whole situation was too much for Floyd, whod had enough of the animated tension and sneaked off to his bed. Frank was genuinely jealous and thought that Ruby liked Phil, though he had exaggerated his feelings a little so they could engage in a potentially decisive argument. Ruby was genuinely jealous of
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Kadeisha, but where Frank thought it was because of Kadeishas relationship with Phil it was in fact because she suspected Frank liked Kadeisha. Adding a dash of irony to the complicated situation was the fact that, all the while Phil and Kadeisha were the only two people seemingly close to conducting a meaningful adult relationship. God, Ive no interest in her, I cant stress that enough. Lets leave this subject and get back to the other matter, said Frank, his heart warmed by Rubys show of jealousy. Frank sought to reassure Ruby of the direction the rehabilitation was heading but lit the touch paper by suggesting that the people hating her treatment might be thanking them all if they can interact more successfully in society upon their return to Earth. The touch paper then became a blazing inferno as Frank indicated that the display of a tatty old teddy bear that he spotted in Carmelas apartment implied an untapped softer side. What so youre saying shes a lovely kind person with a kind heart because shes brought a teddy bear with her?! Just take a step back and listen to yourself Frank! Her methods are making the people here feel so horrible about themselves that theyre not leaving their apartments! said Ruby, exaggerating almost to the point of fabricating. Do you not consider that these people might just hit rock bottom then stay there? A lot of this therapy, or whatever you want to call it, seems based around the fact that shell be able to mould them into a fabulous new person at the end of it all. Most of them probably dont want to be new people, and even if they do the last person theyll try and let mould them, change them, or influence them is the woman whos spent the last few weeks abusing them. To you, Frank, Im sure what she says wouldnt even register, but thats because youre a strong man these people are vulnerable and Im just not sure its the way to go. The deliberate tone of Rubys heartfelt appeal had finally seen her make inroads into Franks stubborn confidence in Carmela. I do see your points, honestly. But if I get rid of Carmela, how are you proposing I go forward from here? My assignment is to reform these people whether I feel they need it or not. How do I reform people without some kind of therapy or some form of
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rehabilitation? Were, what, a month in now? And Im not doing anything am I? Other than getting by day-to-day. Im lucky, I guess, there have been no major incidents or anything, or major revolt. Frank, said Ruby tugging on his arm, do you not realise the influence you could have on people by talking to them, by encouraging people to share, to promote the virtues of friendship? They really listened to you the other night when you spoke to them sincerely. It hurts me to say this, but you speak sense a lot of the time, and your views are anti-establishment in the main and the more you let them see that, the more theyll feel youre one of them and the more theyll listen, honestly. Rubes, Im not qualified Im not a counsellor or anything, and I dont think Id be any good with stuff like that, he said, genuinely humbled and embarrassed. They dont need therapy though, youve admitted as much in the past yourself. All Im saying is talk to them. When you talk to them youll be doing something productive. Ruby had one more ace up her sleeve, and now that she saw Frank was wavering she decided to play it with aplomb. I saw Duncan on the way over as well, a man of perfectly sound mind, though a little quirky I know. Shes been picking on him hes got a physical disability, Frank. Shes been seeing Swanley as well, everyone knows hes a little overweight, most of all himself! Theres no need to make him even more self-aware by insulting him how the hell can that ever be right? she sighed. Oh God. Honestly I didnt know that she was seeing the likes of Swanley and Duncan. I left it to her discretion as to who she saw but we kind of agreed it would only be those who were potentially problematic I assumed shed make the distinction from that between physical disabilities and personality problems. I agree its pretty poor; Ill have a word with her about that and put a stop to it immediately. All the other stuff, Ill have a real good think I promise. Rubes, youre a genuine superstar for caring so much about these people. Honestly, youre Frank realised his waxing lyrical could complicate things further, and so quickly switched to a more comfortable but no less harrowing subject.
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I forgot to say I spoke to Keith about why youre here and hes getting back to me real soon so I suppose you could yet be free from all this crap soon! Sorry, said Frank. Ruby was visibly welling up, though neither Frank nor Ruby herself had enough free mental capacity to consider why. She left, leaving Frank to stew in Floyds ear. He concluded that it was probably the right time to relieve Carmela of her duties. The light that Ruby had been shining so brightly in his face had finally found a way through his stubborn resistance at the same time bringing a certain transparency to her position. He had realised that Carmela was too harsh, maybe not for the likes of himself, but certainly for a lot of the residents in Clashton given their vulnerable starting position. He also couldnt help but see Rubys obvious jealousy as a sign that maybe their relationship could develop further and they could get closer if he removed the main object of her frustration towards him. He was in no mood to assess the ethical merits of coming to such a decision for potentially selfish reasons, now far more focused on the unenviable task of informing Carmela of his decision. He then had to face up to the prospect of taking Floyd for a leadless walk, realising Floyd had chewed through his only lead in utter disgust at the hostility hed just witnessed.

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SELF ABUSE
Naturally a grumpy riser, Floyd was startled the following day when he was greeted by a volley of gurgled compliments and bursts of questionably tuneful singing. Frank was lifted by what he deemed a step forward in his relationship with Ruby, and initially this far outweighed the negatives of having to tell Carmela that her services were no longer required. Even so, hed made the decision that he could justifiably put that task off until the following day, concentrating instead on the logistics of his next meeting with all the residents later that week. Out on his morning walk with Floyd, Frank was actively seeking contact with some of the residents, subconsciously wanting them to see him and interact with him when at his most magnetic state of exuberance. It was a sight and side to him that he was aware theyd seen all too rarely since they arrived in Clashton. Alas, there was no one to be seen. Whilst acknowledging that it was still early, his iWatch having not yet reached its alarm time of 8:08am, he couldnt help but think of Rubys assertion that some residents were too scared or downtrodden to leave their apartments. Just at that moment one of his newly found confidantes arrived on the scene, jogging round one of the many 45 degree street corners to almost knock Frank and Floyd to their feet. It was Louis in outrageously short cycling shorts. Hey Frank! Long time, no see. Floydie boy, hows it going? said Louis before shaking Floyds head into submission. Floyd recoiled to
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a safe distance, more from the intense smell of cologne rather than the boisterous greeting. My God Louis, those shorts, those shorts, said Frank with shake of the head. Dont get any closer to Floyd there, else youll be up on a bestiality charge. I can see what youve had for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the last week wearing those! Theyre quite the sight arent they? Had them for years, they keep me honest, thats for sure! replied Louis with confidence. And never mind my shorts, you usually look like crap in the morning Frank, but youve scrubbed up quite well today. Quite a handsome chap actually, lovely skin youve got! he said, aiming his hand towards Franks cheek, laced with mock-flirtatious intent. Alright, alright, settle down! replied a flustered Frank. Ha! Ill catch up with you later, pal, said Louis, scuttling off into the distance, satisfied that hed again gained the upper hand. Frank was unperturbed by any one-upmanship and of more immediate concern to him was Floyds agitated state, the cause of which became apparent to Frank seconds later when a high-pitched shrieking managed to penetrate his iPod-battered eardrums. Help! Someone, please help! was the cry which became apparent as Franks heart started racing. He dropped Floyds new lead and ran to where he thought the noise was coming from, beckoning Floyd to follow. Someone? Anyone! Please come! said the ever more desperate voice. Franks heart sank as he saw the source of the crazed wails. It was an anguished Eddie who was now grabbing Franks arm with all his strength. Quick, Frank! Come quick, its Jayson I fink hes dead! What? How? Where? replied Frank, an urgent mood slowly catching up with him as he got a handle on the situation. Quick, you have to come now, please Frank hes at his apartment, said Eddie, visibly flagging. Lets go shit! said Frank, finally operating at top speed. As Frank tried to run over to Jaysons apartment, he was also trying to control Floyd and manically ask Eddie for more details.
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Ive been going round there a fair bit, sorry Frank Jaysons got a cat, said Eddie between increasingly long gasps. What? Why are you sorry have you done something to him? I havent been able to get off the cat food. Me addictions only usually last a few days, but theres nothing else ere for me to get addicted to, said Eddie now functioning at two words per breath. I dont fink anyone else ere has a cat, so Ive been sneaking round there nicking the food. Sorry, I aint proud of meself Frank. What, so you just went round and found him there? replied Frank with suspicious derangement, now struggling to breathe himself. I didnt even speak to im Frank, sorry I aint good with stuff like that. I saw im through the window. Its alright dont worry, lets just get round there. Are we going the right way still? gasped Frank, speeding 45 degrees around a corner and almost clattering a loitering Amber to the ground. As Frank regathered speed, he delivered a stern reprimand to himself for daring to have previously been in such a spritely mood. Luckily his pessimistic defence mechanism wasnt allowed to wallow due to Eddies unusual ebullience. Its just ere Frank, mumbled a panicked Eddie, pointing towards an apartment a few feet away. Frank was now walking purely on instinct and thundered straight into the door, without thought to his master key. It crumbled as if made out of cake the flatpack apartments in Clashton built for tacky show rather than substance. The instinctive barge acted as a slight release to Franks adrenalin-fuelled state, and a slight opening of that valve meaning he was now thinking clearly as he reached Jaysons side on the floor. Oh God! Hes completely unconscious, look, fuck! I dont know first aid, I know basic stuff, but I think he might be dead, he feels cold. Do you know any first aid? he said, looking and grabbing at Eddie. As Frank frantically assessed the area around Jayson and his physical well-being, Eddie couldnt have looked more horrified by the whole situation.
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Sorry Frank, I dont. Its alright, we need to get him over to the doctors, it might be too late. Can you give me a hand quick! What, we just carry im there? Eddie said shakily. We need to get him there now! said Frank, carefully trying not to raise his voice to Eddie. Oh, Ill just do it, he went on, he doesnt seem to have a mark on him, he said, hoisting Jayson over his right shoulder. As Frank awkwardly stopped running to lift Jayson further onto his shoulder in front of alarmed residents, he couldnt help but think that the firemans lift maybe wasnt the right form of transport for someone in Jaysons condition. In reality, it was probably his only option, the government not having provided an ambulance of any kind. With Jayson re-bundled onto Franks shoulder, he carried on trotting Dr Scopes apartment a minute or two away. Eddie was faithfully limping along next to Frank and Frank was glad of the company, regardless of how impractical Eddie could be in such a situation. Frank realised theyd be cantering past Rubys place any minute and instructed Eddie to run ahead and see if she was in. As Eddie veered off towards Rubys he noticed something fall from Jaysons pocket. Frank, Frank! Hes dropped this, said Eddie. Frank managed to grasp the piece of paper and slip it into his own pocket almost without breaking stride, whilst ushering Eddie forward to Rubys. Though coming across as a proficient multi-tasker, all the while he felt as though his ego was being eaten away. His brain was awash with a multitude of negative thoughts, emotions and questions. He felt he needed Ruby at this point, and just as this thought crossed his mind, lo and behold she sped out of her place towards them. God, Frank! What the hells happened? said Ruby, stopping the pair of them and cradling Jaysons face. Im sorry I just wanted you here, hes dying or dead, I dont know what, theres not a mark on him can you come with us to the doctors? Weve got to go now!
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Come on, lets go! she said, sprinting and within seconds opening the door to Dr Scopes makeshift surgery as wide as possible. The foyer to the apartment almost resembled an identikit doctors waiting room with the bland walls and nondescript pictures. Slightly ruining the nostalgic setting was the sound of bass-heavy gangsta rap coming through from the adjacent room. Quick, lets get him into Dr Scopes office! said Frank, completely ignoring the noise and making short work of the next door they encountered with his raised foot. The next obstacle before they could get through to the back room where Doctor Scope, as Frank had decided hed call him, resided, was Nuala, a superstitious nurse. She was another example of the personality machine pinpointing the most extreme examples of a personality rather than a stand-alone individual psyche. Superstition amongst nurses certainly wasnt uncommon, but Nuala had it to such a degree that it impacted severely on her abilities to do her job; something which manifested itself in two tragic deaths being attributed to her behaviour shortly before she had been sent to Clashton. It seemed even more tragic, given the cuteness of some of her superstitions trying to stop Frank, Ruby, Eddie and even Jayson one by one as they stormed in so she could offer them a lucky sprig of heather. They arrived in Dr Scopes room en masse and saw that he wasnt at his busiest. He was sat with his back to them, looking out of the window and holding a huge pair of headphones to one ear. Doctor Scope! Please, its Jayson, said Frank as Doctor Scope rose from his seat. Headphones thrown to the ground, he ushered Frank to help him transport Jayson onto his operating table, fully appreciating the urgency of the situation. Nuala, can we have you in here please, now? shouted Dr Scope with animated urgency, aware that Nualas superstitions had been known to play havoc with her timekeeping. Nuala came on demand. What is it doctor, what have we got?
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Its Jayson, it looks like a potential overdose hes not conscious and it doesnt look good. If you lot could leave, and Ill be out with news when I know, said Dr Scope, opening the door, pushing Frank, Ruby and Eddie out, then shutting the door seemingly in one motion. As the doctor got to work on Jayson, Nuala started to mutter under her breath, so breathlessly that it came across as a clearly audible nag. This is your fault doctor, I told you never to say the Q or S word, she said, referring to quiet or slow. Whenever you do, something bad always happens, I told you that, she continued, whilst tying a knot in the corner of Jaysons bed sheet one of her oldest superstitions. Dr Scope was a picture of concentration and genuinely didnt hear Nualas musings, trying to tap into the undoubted genius of his hands and mind in order to give Jayson the best possible chance of survival. Out in the waiting room Frank and Ruby sat side by side, with Eddie sat up on the corner of the windowsill, almost like a spider trying to shield itself from pain emotional pain in his case. I didnt even know this man, Ruby Id talked to him once, twice maybe, whispered Frank, purposely out of earshot from Eddie. Frank, you werent to know, even if youd known him better I doubt you could have done anything he was a manic depressive. Was? said Frank with added volume, stirring Eddie out of his thoughtless state. He is a manic depressive Dr Scopes got to save him surely, hes a genius, you know that. Dont expect anything Frank you heard what he said, it doesnt look good, hes been unconscious for a long time now. Why is he like he is, Dr Scope, do you know? enquired Ruby, trying to cajole Frank from dwelling on his perceived role in the unfortunate proceedings. Ive known of him for quite a while, hes just a bit of a character, and hes a genius. God, this music! Aware that he couldnt interrupt Dr Scope to stop the music, Frank continued. Hes been known to do really obscene raps at really inappropriate times, but he means no harm. I suppose its like some kind of OCD affliction. I dont think hed ever be untoward to his patients or anything like that. And according to his file I think hes devised this
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it doesnt matter, he said with a downwards glance. Ruby followed his gaze and saw something on the ground. She picked it up. Whats that piece of paper, Frank? It must be something which fell from Jaysons pocket, he said, unravelling the paper and placing it on his lap so he and Ruby could read it. Ruby was the quicker reader, maybe due to her clearer head, and as she quickly scanned it she impulsively placed her hand on the letter and into Franks lap to cover it up. The hand in Franks crotch was awkward but didnt even register to either of them in the context of what theyd both read. It was a suicide note. An incredibly cutting and well-compiled one at that. Frank was spared of any mention in the letter directly but there were a couple of thinly veiled attacks on his leadership and organisational skills since they all arrived in Clashton. Of more poignancy, concern and potential damage to Frank and Ruby as individuals and as to their relationship was the overwhelming blame Jaysons letter had tried to place on Carmela for his suicide; especially prevalent as Frank had originally suggested that Jayson would be ideal for her treatment. In it, Jayson had accused Carmela of having blood on her hands, but it was the self-critical tone of his letter which was already resonating deeply with Frank. He was attributing self-deprecating words such as fraud, coward and loser as being a direct result of Carmelas approach, ignoring how Jaysons own depressive state may have added to his fate. Ruby was instantly aware of his potentially fragile state. You cant let this break you. Jayson was a manic depressive, remember that. He was a holiday rep, a depressive holiday rep, thats how he was selected or whatever to be here. This is too much, the whole fuckin concept I should be at home with my family, I was happy. And Im not cut out for this, am I? Be honest. Frank, you can blame yourself, you can blame Carmela, but the likelihood is the whole situation of just being here tipped him over the edge. You were already considering Carmelas position anyway, werent you, but I wouldnt let this incident cloud that decision. I
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dont think shed have had an effect on his fate in this instance, she reluctantly mumbled. Shes going, Id already decided that. Who knows where though? said Frank solemnly. What the hell do I do if he dies, Ruby? he continued whilst rubbing his face. He may well Frank youll just have to deal with it and stay strong for the others here, replied Ruby, now visibly welling up. She noticed Eddie rocking back and forth on the window and, in telling Frank to stay strong, pointed him in Eddies direction. Frank happily took the hint, and was glad for the distraction. Eddie, its all gonna be alright mate, youll be fine I promise, said Frank, trying to use his hand on shoulder as a stabiliser. Well let you know how Jayson gets on, but do you want to take Floyd outside for a bit of a walk and bring him back here in ten minutes or so? Noting Eddies lack of enthusiasm, Frank turned his question into more of a demand knowing itd be good for Eddie. Look mate, youd be doing me a massive favour to be honest Ive got to walk him and I doubt Ill be able to do it today. With that, Eddie with Floyd as ever a willing loveable sidekick departed and Frank slunk back to his seat next to Ruby. You say stay strong Ruby, but by being here and being strong Im not actually doing anyone any good, am I? My family just want me home as well, they dont even appreciate how this money Im getting will change their lives which is fucking perfect, Im proud! God, Ive consciously brought them up to never be money-driven or money-obsessed, and now Im deserting them to try and shove exactly that in their face! Frank, you have to stick with it, said Ruby with a maternal tug on Franks arm. I think you just need to switch tack ? Is that right? Frank confirmed so with a nod of the head and his first semigrin for some time. Switch tack to what? Im not qualified for all Before Frank could finish his sentence, he noticed Dr Scope emerge from behind the oddly pine door of the hovel known as their hospital.
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Oh God, how is he? Is he still is he back, is he gonna make it? stuttered Frank. Dr Scope was already nodding his head to the heavy bass that still filled the air of the waiting room, seemingly about to bust into rhyme until Ruby pre-empted and jumped in. What was wrong with him, did you operate? she said, hankering after his professional nature. It was an overdose, pills, looks like a standard suicide attempt. Im not actually sure what the pills were, but theyve been pumped out of him, its touch and go as to whether or not theyve caused irreparable kidney damage. Ill hand the pills over to Charles and he can do forensics and find out what was in them, said Dr Scope dryly. Thanks doctor, please be sure to keep us informed. Is it alright if I pop back in an hour or so to see what the situation is? Id better go and catch up with Eddie and Floyd. Course it is Frank, theres nothing you can do here for the moment anyway, and you know I wont take my eye off the ball with him, Ill do everything I possibly can to get him through this. Strangely, given the chaos and noise which surrounded Dr Scopes surgery, Frank displayed a thorough confidence in Dr Scope and his abilities. Ruby picked up on this but currently her mind was occupied by more immediately inquisitive thoughts. Frank, whos this Charles guy that Dr Scope was talking about? Charles? Hes our scientist. He can turn his hand to a whole number of fields, I dont even know what he specialises in but he seems to be a professional expert in every scientific field you can think of. You probably havent seen him around, he only arrived a few days ago. I requested a scientist up here, hell be useful. I can request people, if we need them and they do what they can to get them here. See Frank you can use that so much more in the future to get people up here we need. We can get our own little society going, replied Ruby. Itd hardly be fair to those people would it, subjecting them to this. Charles isnt exactly your average scientist hes an alcoholic. I think theyve given him access to drink as well, to get him here, so he could be a bit of a liability. He handles it well though from what Ive seen.
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Also, I assume you might not be around here for much longer, what with the government looking into your situation. So, sweet though it is, I guess you wont be a part of this society neither might I when I tell the government whats happened with Jayson. Rubys obvious enthusiasm had been dashed in more ways than one and she made her excuses, leaving Frank to walk Eddie and Floyd home. Eddie was revitalised by his interaction with Floyd, whilst Floyd looked so tired Frank suspected that maybe Eddie had tried to ride him rather than walk him. Frank spent most of the next two hours dwelling, sometimes in his head, sometimes to a frankly exhausted and disinterested Floyd. The only reason hed reminded Ruby of her possible impending exit was to try and provoke a more open expression of her feelings on the subject. Her subsequently cheerless response made him feel at his most disconsolate ebb as he berated himself for what he saw as his own errors of judgement and personality deficiencies. Frank was about to realise he had sorrowfully hit rock bottom. He went back over to Dr Scopes and was instantly chilled by the lack of music coming from the makeshift surgery. He had already feared the worst and processed his latest setback with a series of damning sarcastic inner thoughts when Dr Scope walked through the door from the operating room, head bowed. Hes gone? said Frank matter-of-factly. Sorry Frank, I did everything I could, I really did, but he was just too far gone his kidneys were ravaged. I think he took those pills a few hours before and we just got there too late. The revelation that Jayson had obviously suffered an agonisingly lonely last few hours made Frank feel sick. As happened when feeling low, Franks emotional defence mechanism was now operating at full tilt and gave the distinct impression that nothing could penetrate. Dr Scope continued undeterred. Well need a bit more equipment as well if possible Frank, Ill let you know what we need and if okay, please can you order it in? It wouldnt have saved him in this instance, but it might help for future situations. Sure, let me know what you need, said a now distant Frank.
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Also, I know this probably isnt the right time to bring this up, and I know weve discussed it before, but did you think anymore about Scopezhunch? It just seems a bit unethical its messing with stuff, Frank replied downheartedly. Its messing with what? Fate? Whats meant to be? Frank, youre the biggest advocate Ive ever met against any such practices, anything that doesnt make scientific sense, anything which cant be proved. I just think a lid should be kept on things like this. Everythings edging towards this process of man-machine convergence and where does that end? It ends in a fully electronic human being probably not that too far in the distant future. Look at China, theyre already on about being able to basically customise children, its too much. Heres a thought, why do you think Im here Frank? Do you think its because I was randomly selected by that personality machine or because the government got wind a few months back of what Id come up with and saw me as some kind of a threat? It was a good point and one which led Frank to select one of his plethora of well-used excuses and leave. He just wanted to be on his own with faithful Floyd at his feet to dwell on the days events and self-manage his thoughts hopefully into a constructive place. Scopezhunch was an assessment which Dr Scope had invented, the name containing more than a hint of rap influence. He had studied medicine for almost twenty years around the world and devised a formula which worked out how long people would live. It initially worked through an individual wearing a health monitor which linked directly to the nervous system and helped to produce a complete map of the amount of free radicals roaming around the body. This data was then used in tandem to an assessment of the number of mutations in a complete genome of the individual during a set interval of time. The formula seemed all the more sensational given that in secretive trials it was almost entirely accurate, other than the odd death from non-natural, accidental causes. No one knew exactly how Dr Scope had managed to perfect his system and very few had asked, even his closest peers, possibly fearing the answer.
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On arrival in Clashton, Dr Scope had spoken to Frank and asked him to back it upon their return to Earth. The incident with Jayson was the first time hed really taxed his mind further on the subject, and it was noteworthy enough to break through his previous insolence to provoke Frank into some deep thought. As he sat on the floor of his apartment, for no particular reason other than to feel on the same level as the one animal he truly trusted, his mind was awash with thoughts about Scopezhunch. Frank was meticulous in his preparation for most things and thought the major positive of knowing when you were likely to die would be the abundant preparation youd be afforded. He inwardly evaluated whether youd actually do anything different, if, say, you knew death was five years away, and pondered the potential damage of a lack of social boundaries if people were told when they were due to die. Finally, he considered his own situation, where naturally his first thought was of his girls and of the preparation hed go through in order to guarantee that their future was to be a bright and happy one after hed passed. He established that hed contact his closest male friends and ask them to be there for his daughters after his death. He pondered that his five or six closest male friends could form a board of dads, with someone always there for them and someone perfect for all possible life situations they may encounter. As he dwelt further on the subject his thoughts inevitably became more abstract. He thought that as he approached his last predicted day hed definitely get in a fight or two. A huge boxing fan, Frank had never hit a person only a punchbag and in an increasingly rare moment of egotistical glee, he surveyed the pristine shape he was in Floyd an increasingly bewildered bystander. He also had always liked the idea of dying in a suit, so deemed that hed definitely wear a suit on the day he was to meet his maker. Frank finally came to and concluded that whatever his thoughts on the matter he was probably in no fit mental state to make a qualified decision on the subject. Indeed, he didnt even know if he could ever be deemed qualified to make decisions on any such subjects.
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Welcome distraction though it was, Franks internal brainstorming session was now over as he re-entered his considerable lull in wondering when and how he was going to tell Keith what had happened. As he sat motionlessly pensive, Ruby was emphatically pacing around about half a mile of dusty terrain away from his place. Though shed talked down Carmelas involvement in Jaysons death to Frank, she was of no doubt that Carmelas mistreatment had in some way contributed to Jaysons depressive state of mind. There was still an undertone of irrational jealousy festering behind Rubys sweet blemish-free exterior, which the rational side of her brain was frantically trying to stifle. Like a heartbeat during a panic attack it reached a blood-pumping peak the second she saw Carmela fiercely fling the door open to confront whoever had dared disturb her. Oh Ruby, Ive been expecting a visit from you, come on in, said Carmela with favourable certainty. Carmela was mid-pamper and as soon as she sat down the two slices of cucumber that sat in each palm swiftly replaced where her eyes used to be. Ruby was somewhat taken aback being greeted by a face-inprogress, with Carmelas towering green-faced demeanour making her appear even more hulk-like. Youve heard about Jayson I assume, terrible shame. I think I really couldve helped him if Id have started working with him at an earlier stage. The first time I met him I thought that he was too far down the line for anyone to have been able to help him, but forced myself to give it a go, almost as a last resort, continued Carmela, effectively trying to cut off all Rubys angles of attack with what seemed like a preplanned defence. She hadnt reckoned upon Rubys intelligent grasp of emotional angles of attack. So you think that nothing you did or said to him impacted at all on what happened? Thats a rather damning appraisal on the effect of your treatment, is it not? To be honest I tend to agree with you, manic depression isnt something youve the ability to treat so I dont blame you at all, said Ruby, constructing her statement much in the style of the person it was directed towards, and one which was clearly shaking Carmela.
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Its a tragedy though alright, and Im sure somewhere deep within yourself you must feel some guilt; even though we both acknowledge that you were no way directly at fault. If it was me it would still rankle deep down, continued Ruby, trying to twist a knife, unaware if it had yet pierced skin. My treatments entirely unique and revolutionary, how many people do you think have ever agreed with my methods? Its why Frank and I had such a connection, I felt, said Carmela with an upwards glance. Ruby I have to be entirely certain in my convictions, Im a doctor after all. Like a doctor in a hospital, we have to distance ourselves from death, and this is the first one of my patients who has ever died. Im confident I didnt contribute to his death something you acknowledged and I even think Im now starting to get somewhere with the other patients Im seeing here. And, before you interrupt, preempted Carmela with the hand signal of a lollipop lady, I know all these people hate me, that goes with the territory of the methods Ive decided to adopt. Experimentally adopt I add, Im giving something new a go which in my field you have to do sometimes. If it doesnt work here then its simply the exceptional circumstances we find ourselves in. Do you really think Ill be doing what Im doing here much longer anyway? Franks never been sure this is the way to go, and this is the perfect excuse for him to get rid of me. Im pretty sharp in sensing these things, especially when an emotionally retarded man is involved. Theyre not the biggest challenge for us, are they Ruby? Hes not emotionally retarded, replied Ruby. I dont so much mean Frank, sweetheart the male species in general. You two are very cute, he absolutely adores you, you must be aware? Again proving how easy it is to read the transparent male mind. Ruby was stumped and slightly shaken by hearing someone else acknowledge what she already subconsciously knew about her relationship with Frank. She was certainly stumped enough to pack up her sword and leave Carmelas. She left more comfortably, after being subjected to a smug Carmela administering a conceited and narcissistic farewell.

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A BREAKNECK BREAKFAST
Next morning the one thing resonating in Rubys mind was Carmelas opinion on her relationship with Frank. Not so much an endorsement, it still carried much weight given that Ruby had previously sensed attraction from Carmela towards Frank, and it galvanised Rubys thoughts into a warmer place where Frank was concerned. She awoke with the plan to display her new found affection the best way she knew how, with smothering motherly intent. Not wanting anything to disrupt her mood and plans, she woke at 6am, her iWatch playing an indecipherable pop tune one high-pitched enough to ensure Tao was by her side as she prepared a breakfast to take to Franks. She desperately wanted to get to Franks without interruption from any of the other residents and so prepared the breakfast at breakneck speed, Tao almost dancing along behind her as she flew around the kitchen. Deeming Tao a potentially welcome distraction on this particular mission, she summoned him to his lead. As she left, delicately balancing a tray and bulldog, she bemoaned the lack of flavour it contained, owing to a general lack of herbs and condiments which were a relative luxury in Clashton. To Rubys knowledge, Frank hadnt been seen the day before and she couldnt help but consider some negative ideas as to why. She knew he had a propensity to dwell too much on such things and the happenings of the previous week had provided her mind with plenty of ammunition. Her senses of surprise and anxiety were
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heightened when, as she turned the corner towards Franks, she saw him disappearing off into the distance with Floyd. Frank! Frank! Hold on a sec! she squealed in his direction while shuffling towards him. Frank was some distance away and turned around slowly he was clearly still without the characteristic spring in his step. Im just going to drop this in here a sec, hold on, shouted Ruby, trying to barge open his door and drop off his breakfast feast. Its locked Frank, can you unlock it for me so I can put this tray down? Wait there, said Frank with tired resignation in his voice. Why have you locked the door? You never theres no need around here, is there, said Ruby as Frank plodded closer. I just didnt want to be disturbed for a bit, thats all. You didnt want to be disturbed while you were out? she said, noting Franks disorientation. Frank sharply pulled a frothing Floyd back from making an attempt to eat the food on the tray still in Rubys hand. Sorry, Ill get that door open. What have you got there? Thats not for me is it? No, I didnt mean it like that I just meant you didnt have to. It is for you Frank, and Im going to watch you eat every mouthful, along with Tao and Floyd no doubt. You look awful, absolutely awful, when was the last time you washed that shirt? You need energy and motivation this will help. Frank being Frank, was lifted by Ruby speaking to him with such austerity, though he took issue with the criticism of his unshaven look having spent some time in front of a mirror in his apartment earlier that morning applauding the rock star look hed managed to create. I thought it looked alright, this stubble, said Frank stroking his face. Its like designer, edgy. God, Frank, youre the only man Ive ever met who can physically love themselves whilst inwardly hating themselves! snapped Ruby. I didnt so much mean the length of your facial hair, I meant you look tired, thin, gaunt. I thought your fitness regime was based around eating and working out?
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Im so sorry I snapped at you the other day. Its just Im pretty confused as to how to play this from here on in, I really am. Ive moved Jaysons body to the outhouse, you know that cupboard that isnt being used. Ive covered it and all that. Thatll have to be picked up then, said Ruby. I know. Ive really been thinking these last couple of days and Im just not in the right frame of mind. I spoke to my kids earlier but even that didnt help really. One wants me home, one doesnt seem to care less and the other is full of beans because shes trading in her boyfriend for a better model at least thats how she put it, said Frank with a shake of the head. Teenage girls, Frank, said Ruby knowingly. Two arent teenage now but whatever. Im missing out on big chunks of their lives, and for what? For nothing. That Jayson lad who died, hes just someone I can cross off the list, and what does it mean to me? Very little because I didnt even know who he was. Id never met him, and Im the one meant to be looking after everyone here. Well I thought that was my role; but, actually, after talking to the government earlier Im not so sure. Why, what did they say? she said, half turning round from the sink and the job of preparing Franks food. Ive got news on your situation Ill tell you in a bit, he said, hoping to first get what he feared would be a final listening ear and opinion from Ruby. But it was just their attitude, almost like accidents will happen sort of thing. I rang them fully with the intention of resigning, but when I hinted at it they basically made it clear it wasnt an option until my stint is up. I should be sacked and yet theyre not even bothered that someone died here. What are they going to say to Jaysons family? How have they explained it already? I know nothing about the whole situation and yet I happily sold my soul, didnt I? But you did it for essentially the right reasons we keep going over this, and its just you here Frank, having to look after fifty or so people I dont know how many people are here now its obvious youre not going to know everyone intimately. They didnt even ask me the basics, didnt care. Didnt ask how he was able to commit suicide, how he got the pills, they probably gave
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them to him actually, and encouraged him to do it, he mumbled. This pretence as well, Ruby, we both know that Carmela and the way she treated him was a core reason for it all. As I said Im getting rid of her I mentioned it to Keith and he kind of said that they might be able to see to it that she can go home, also at the same time picking up Jaysons body. He said it like that, as if he were just picking up a sack of potatoes or something. Ruby decided to bide some time by pulling Tao away from Floyd. That they were feet apart at the time led to Franks first emotive facial expression in some time. She decided honesty was the best policy. Well never know now will we, so theres no point stressing about it. I thought you made the wrong decision in using her in the first place, but still, whos to say that my opinion is right? Its just opinions. There was something that I was thinking about the other day though, she went on, youre always going on about how much your friends from back home mean to you, how long youve known them for, and that youre glad youve got that solid base; Id hazard a guess that most people in here have never had that have never even come close to such a solid and broad group of friends. Thats why I thought cultivating these sorts of relationships would help them massively. Friendships really are the keys to being happy in life. Maybe you take that for granted because youve always been popular and youve always had them. Didnt you say that a lot of people in here have small families, if at all? Thats what Ive been told, but thatd mean taking what the government said at face value wouldnt it. If thats the case, then friends can act as family cant they? You dont need money or holidays all the time to be happy, youve said that to me. Dyou know Eddie came to see me yesterday to tell me you were drinking a fair bit? What? Drinking a fair bit? I had a couple of whiskies yesterday, thats it! Frank said stroppily. He was just worried about you Frank, thats all. He sees you as a friend and so he was worried. Rubys eyes widened as she became conscious that shed hit on something poignant with Frank, and from his dough-eyed reaction,
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she realised shed finally made a point which had pierced his stubborn resistance. Ive really fucked this up, havent I? he said with head-nodding realisation. A friend once told me that the most important thing you should always remember is that its human nature to always be more forgiving of folly if it isnt aligned with hypocrisy. Ive just got no defence there have I. It seemed to make sense at the time but its not working, is it. Maybe it would have worked if the situation was different, I dont know. But here, now, with these people, we need to switch tack said Frank, accidentally acting out the quotations with his fingers before remembering it as one of his more unreasonable pet hates. Sounds like a good idea, said Ruby. Another thing I was meaning to bring up, Frank, was Real friends I suppose thats the key, isnt it? Not the type of friends who you bump into then say God we must meet up soon. If people spent as much time meeting up with friends as they do planning meeting up with friends, they would be sick of meeting up with their friends, and would thus stop planning to meet up with their friends, said a self-satisfied Frank. Let me get stuck into that breakfast, it looks top class, do you want to share it with me Rubes, or is it just me and Floyd? Hes not eating that tripe they send up for him anymore on a hunger strike, arent you boy, he said, one hand pressing a slice of bread firmly into egg, the other extending a clumsy pat into Floyds eye region. No, no, Im fine, please eat it all! said an excited Ruby, visibly smitten by a lift in Franks mood. I was going to query Dr Scopes behaviour in and around Jayson and stuff. said Ruby, It was obviously inappropriate, no? You said its a bit like OCD? How is it, whys he like that? Im not sure, Sweet, replied Frank through a mouthful. He went to university obviously and then afterwards he went to work in Sierra Leone in an aid hospital. I think he met and befriended a gang of rappers over there while treating one of them and just got into rap music that. As you say hes a medical genius apparently. But does he have to pursue that whilst working?
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I dont know; I think its commendable really I know it seems inappropriate, but I dont think he does it at inappropriate times medically. And hes actually got a bit of a talent for the rapping as well. I like hip hop, theyre some of the most creative people in the world I reckon, some of them are geniuses lyrically. You like hip hop? said Ruby deliberately and incredulously. The words old man trying to be cool spring to mind. I guess theres no major issue is there, as long as it doesnt affect his work. It doesnt, Im pretty sure of that. Cheers for that, said Frank, gently sliding his plate in Rubys direction before quickly realising his potentially offensive gesture and moving to the sink, Floyd munching behind him. Frank was glad of the move as he could speak to Ruby without making eye contact. Theres something else we need to discuss. When I spoke to the government this morning they mentioned your situation. They typically said theyre still waiting for confirmation from what or who I dont know but that theyre almost certain that it was a mistake you were sent here, he said, swivelling his head 45 degrees to see if anyone else might have entered while his back was turned. Satisfied that the only movement in the room was the occasional drop of saliva falling from Floyds mouth to the floor, he continued. I really wasnt looking forward to telling you this. I know I shouldnt say that but Im past caring really. The obvious thing is it looks like youll be able to go home. How soon I dont know but obviously Ill push for it to be as soon as possible. I think the plates clean, Frank, offered Ruby. How was the mistake made? I havent a clue. I asked them but they said they werent sure at this stage, which means nothing I know. Hey, the important thing though is you can get away from the stress of here, and me, and get back to your daily life, be back with your family, your boyfriend. Let me know when you know for sure. I better go now, get Tao back home, said a glum Ruby. Will do, and hopefully we can have another chat before you leave, and you can tell me how the hell Im going to survive here for the next however long, or how you can smuggle me back with you!
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Franks chirpy nature towards Ruby leaving felt immature to Frank. The look on Rubys face as she left cut him in half, perhaps suggesting that she had seen through his portrayal of a man without a heart. Ruby left Franks mentally shattered and usually a clinical thinker her mind instead was wrestling with a multitude of emotions. She inevitably had her thoughts interrupted by several stop-and-chats on the way back to her apartment, with most of the residents she happened upon in chirpy form. They were especially crowing about the new food menu that had been administered that breakfast time, one which came about from Frank finally sorting out the contents of the food shed. One of her stop-and-chats was more poignant than most though, and was to prove significant in channelling her thoughts into a lifechanging direction. It came in the form of a collision-stop-and-chat as Swanley, the portly backpacker, careered into her and Tao as he ran round one of the perpendicular buildings which characterised Clashton. Rubys first thought was that he must be running from someone and, picking herself up from the floor in a flash, scanned the area round the corner. Swanley! Whats wrong, what you running from? said Ruby, dusting herself down. Sorry! You okay? Im not running from anything, Im trying to get fit. And not by running into tiny women, sorry. Im not tiny, Im 5ft 1 almost average height! replied Ruby, Swanley having inadvertently re-opened a childhood scar. How often do you run? I might start coming with you. I just decided to use my time here to get fit and in shape, it was because of what you said to me, about Carmela. I told her to piss off the other day, for good. She tried to take some credit even for that, saying she respected that Id talked to her that way and that Id decided to get in shape. It wasnt because of her, it was because of you Ruby, what you said to me, telling me to stand up to her. Ruby started frantically backtracking in her head, not aware that shed said anything of the sort. Its perfect isnt it, because I cant imagine theres much fat in that
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bird food they serve up to us for lunch. Im going to go back home and people wont be able to recognise me. I owe you, I really do, mused Swanley. Im so pleased that youre trying to get healthier, but I really didnt do anything you did it all by yourself. Ill let you get on your way, but Ill try and join you soon. As soon as Ruby had said those words her heart sank with the realisation that the only people shed be joining soon would potentially be her family. Her heart recoiled further when she clocked herself considering that as a negative rather than a positive thing. She decided that some serious self-assessment was in order. If Clashton was conducive to anything, it was conducive to deep thinking as the sparse and uniformly characterless landscape of their surroundings meant that often all there was to do to while away the hours was think. And thats exactly what Ruby did that afternoon. She thought, analysed those thoughts, assessed why she was having to analyse her original thoughts, and then thought some more. She realised how important she was to the residents of Clashton. It was a role she had selected for herself, a role she concluded she had craved all her life, and one in which she flourished. Could she gain the same fulfilment by taking on a carer role when back on Earth? She felt responsibilities to a lot of the Clashton community and was clearly respected by all the residents. Both of those feelings were currently missing from her life on Earth, her responsibilities at home dwindling as her family grew older, and respect something shed never experienced from her boyfriend him a militant man with all the charisma of a digestive biscuit. She was starting to see that she was slipping into a submissive relationship with him and felt she had changed significantly enough since her arrival on Clashton to reach the decision that there was no future in it. Then there was Frank, initially and instinctively fitting into her relationship thoughts. The mutual attraction had always been there, something she was happy to admit to herself now she had already terminated her previous relationship in her mind. Eventually she concluded that, if she could be certain that her family would be fine until her return, everything would then be in place for her to able to ask the government if she could stay
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confident from the opinion shed formed of the governments attitude and behaviour that they wouldnt oppose such a move. How much the feelings towards Frank lurked in her subconscious mind was open to debate, but Ruby had come up with a bargaining plan. It was one she was far more confident in taking to Frank than taking to the powers that be who were probably already in the process of preparing for her removal from Clashton. She was keen to get the situation resolved as soon as possible. She couldnt stand it when she didnt know where she stood let alone not being able to plan ahead. So, Tao-less, she stormed across the dusty Clashton streets, on the charge in her compact style, over to Franks apartment. She was fully aware that Frank wouldnt like two emotional contretemps in a day, now conscious of how he liked to shut his mind off after their encounters in order to operate with a clear head. But this was her time, her call and she decided shed show Frank that she could wear the trousers with all the gusto and pomposity that he could. She didnt even stop to exchange niceties with Frank on the doorstep of his property, bursting through his confused and put-out expression and into the back room to exchange niceties with Floyd instead. What are you doing back here? said Frank, not managing to stop his surprise coming across as rudeness. Ive been thinking Frank, and Ill come straight out and say it. Hold on whats all this? she said, picking up a pad of paper covered in scribbles and doodles. Her dominant stance was morphing into boorishness, and she realised so before Frank had a chance to respond. Sorry its private I see. Anyway, lets get straight to the point. Im Woah! Just calm down a bit, do you want a cup of tasteless hot water? said Frank. His ego was also trying to batter into his head that the life-changing evaluation was quite possibly not her undying love for him. That paper, by the way, is just a few things Ive jotted down a few ideas of how maybe I can move forward and try and get these lot working together. Trying to hit on the friendship thing. Games and stuff maybe.
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Ruby looked at Frank with puppy dog eyes, finding his misguided effort as cute as he found her effort to be dominant. No, Im fine for tea. Sorry I just wanted to get this out of the way. If, and I know its still an if, but if Im not meant to be here, which Im almost 100% sure Im not, then the situation will be that I can go home? As far as I know. Its certainly what they were implying. Its really been bugging me how theyll safeguard against us lot telling the public at home where weve been and why we were sent here. I guess they might be planning on telling the country themselves by the time were all back on Earth, Im not sure. But how could they ever do that? Youd like to think the houses of parliament would be burnt to the ground by the proletariat upon hearing the news either way. Anyway, they intimated theyd definitely let you go home. It might be irrelevant, said Ruby intently. What dyou mean? Say that I found a way I could stay, would you ? said Ruby, before realising shed completely lost her authoritative flow. I could stay here, until the end of the assignment, and maybe I could help you maybe we could work as a team here and try and help everyone. But if I were to do that Id need certain assurances. Frank was trying his hardest not to smirk, deliriously happy that Ruby might be staying on to help him, while simultaneously finding her attempts to be commanding more Frank Spencer than Maggie Thatcher. What kind of assurances? asked Frank. I need to speak to my mum and my brother to check theyre all alright. If theyre not, then I think Id have to go back. But if they can cope without me, then Im all yours! shouted Ruby, her demeanour still not balanced due to the extraordinary emotions she was trying to balance. Frank was playing the level-headed buffer role to perfection. Rubes, Id love nothing more than for you to stay here till we all leave, believe me nothing more, he said with heartfelt fervour, but I know you, and if youre needed back home then I know youd have to go back. It all makes sense, its fine.
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Whilst trying to instil calm into the situation, Frank also saw no need to ask as to why she wanted to stay. As was his way when he felt that a woman was starting to hint towards furthering a situation where mutual attraction existed, he instinctively crawled back into his shell. Dont get too excited, Frank, replied Ruby with playful sarcasm. Im trying to bring your blood pressure down a touch, you were acting so manic that even Floyds run for cover. Id be the happiest man here if you can stay, but Ill have to speak to Keith first back at base and find out exactly how it could maybe work and whether I can get you in contact with your family. I cant see why not, but you never know with them. They wont care, will they? Itll just be a problem off their hands surely, as itll delay them having to come up with a scheme about us returning. Thats the hope, said Frank with an awkward wink. As long as your familys coping okay, obviously. I think theyll be fine, my mums a wonder woman. Another thing if I can stay, then we could maybe send Carmela back instead of me saving you and them another problem? she said, surprising even herself as the words came out of her mouth, the thought having only entered her head half a second earlier. What, like an exchange? God, for them thatd be like asking for a St. Bernard and being given a bulldog. Oi! replied Ruby. Seriously though, Im not sure what to do with her. Youre right, I could maybe speak to them about taking her back they seem to respect my opinion which is one thing at least, so if I say shes being disruptive then maybe theyll do it. She doesnt strike me as the type of person whose confidentiality would be hard to buy, spat Frank. Another thing Rubes, why the hell didnt you kick up more of a fuss about being here in the first place? You said to me from minute one that you thought it must have been a mistake, but ploughed on regardless didnt pester me or anything. I did try and find out but you shouldve physically shook me into getting a response! What was I meant to do? I didnt really want to cause trouble for you and besides, you get things thrown at you all the time. But you
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just have to keep perspective I guess, there really are people worse off than you at all times. Its a bit different to what you can usually expect, whats happened here, and its strange, but were not treated badly really. Youre just an angel you know that? You really are, heroic, just honestly, he said, his hand pointedly outstretched before wrapping things up to stop himself from merely leering at Rubys appearance. Later that evening he rang Keith, using his iWatch to establish what time it was back on Earth. It went more smoothly than Frank had ever anticipated and he almost got his perfect result, though he wouldnt allow himself to be too happy about that so wary was he of becoming complacent They were happy to let Ruby stay as long as she accepted a proviso with regard to speaking to her family but surprisingly were just as happy letting Carmela return, taking Frank at his word about her troublesome behaviour. Though Frank felt regular pangs of guilt, having assigned Carmela to her controversial role in the first place, these were heavily outweighed by a renewed enthusiasm towards the future in Clashton. Subconsciously, a future working closely with Ruby also filled him with a guarded fear but for the time being he was happy to go with the flow. The proviso from the government was that Rubys family would send her a video message rather than a phone call, Keith saying that access couldnt be arranged for a one-on-one phone call other than with him. All of Franks suspicions were eased as to why this was, and the answers he received were so convincing that his subsequently convincing summary of their conversation was fully accepted by an understanding Ruby. The speed at which the government indicated they could bow to his demands also encouraged Frank, Keith saying that they would arrange Rubys family interaction that evening and hinting that they would arrive to collect Carmela, Jaysons body, and bring some new arrivals within days. His mind now on fire, he terminated the call and summoned Ruby back to see him. He did so by utilising a passing Eddie and exuberant Floyd, keen to keep Eddies mind occupied and give him tasks to do in the wake of the trauma hed experienced earlier.
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Rubes! Long time, no see, was Franks opening retort, before sensing her nervousness and toning things down. How are you with all this? Nervous, anxious, excited to hear and see them? Just nervous really, I really want to stay here with you, and working with the people here. The lack of money doesnt matter does it, were not going hungry or anything and so many people here rely on me. Look at you, you put me to shame with your leadership skills bet you wouldnt have thought that a few months ago! said a slightly patronising Frank. Eddie, you want to go and collect Thomas? Whos Thomas? asked Ruby in an inquisitive split second. Youll see in a bit Ive got access to put you onto your family now, think the video lasts about five minutes. As he connected her, with relative simplicity to relief all round, he went to his kitchen to give Ruby some privacy, conveniently out of sight but within earshot. From there a tense and crouching Frank experienced a heart-screwing host of emotions in trying to make sense of the situation. A tearful Ruby at the onset of hearing her familys voices almost created a tearful Frank, another bout of tears towards the end provoked some pessimistic thoughts in Frank as to the likelihood of Ruby staying. Frank retreated back to the kitchen but was now out of earshot of her familys farewells, preferring to hear her reaction in person. Did you hear any of that? said Ruby approaching tentatively. It came across like a hostage video or something. His moment of truth had come and he faced it with a moment of untruth. No, not really how did they all seem? Ive been trying to sort out Floyd uh, his mess, he said, realising Floyd was still out with Eddie. They seemed alright, theyre missing me, she reflected. But my younger brothers doing great, just got an A star in one of his A-Levels, and hes had learning difficulties all his life. Proper little star hes going to be I think, he wants to be a vet but Im not sure hell be able to. And they all seemed content so I cant think what theyve been told.
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Ruby stopped waffling as she noticed impatience on Franks face. Anyway, they do seem fine, I think I can stay on for a bit, so if youll have me then lets do it! Have you? I need you Rubes! Thats great, it really is, thanks. I dont know what theyve told them, it baffles me as well. When Ive spoken to my kids they seem to think Im abroad working and theres limited phone access, but thats a lot easier to believe given my job. We cant get caught up in worrying about what the repercussions might be. For now its just about where we go from here. I tried to draw up some sort of entertainment or inclusive sessions for the people here, but it kind of resembled a schedule for an eight-year-olds birthday party. Have you given it any thought? Any ideas, or? Frank, we havent even had proper introductions yet so we hardly know each others backgrounds. Cant you do some kind of open meeting forum or something? You can chair it and see how it goes whatever comes up, speak to them, give them your opinion, befriend them and encourage them to befriend each other. I dont know about all this, Im not a great public speaker, and it sounds like therapy sessions or something Im not qualified for all that, he said, although with a considerable glint in his eye Frank always fancied himself as a counsellor. God, just give it a go! Its not public-speaking in front of the King were not even on the same planet as the King. Were here for a while yet, lets just make that time enjoyable and then you can collect your money and move forward safe in the knowledge that youll have given it your best shot. Oh, and another thing, you should start eating with everyone else for lunch and dinner. Some of the residents here think youre eating caviar alone in your apartment every evening. Itd help to ingratiate yourself a bit more if you came and had lunch and dinner with us, she said with maximum eye contact. Ill do the food thing but one thing Im not doing is meet-andgreet introductions in front of a big group. I used to hate nothing more in all these pointless meetings and courses I had to go to. Well just have a forum where people can pitch in if they want to. Thats fine, and if
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You look great tonight, you really do. Frank! How old are you? You cant ask that like that! Of course I can. I just realised I havent a clue. Im 32, 33 soon but not sure when Im losing my days! Whats that going on out there? exclaimed a startled Ruby pointing to the door and shadows of a considerable commotion happening outside. Oh God! Oi, whats going on? said Frank, thrusting the door open. Eddie, Floyd, and Thomas were in the middle of a three-way mle. Floyd, get in! shouted Frank. Eddie, go and bring Thomas in here. Thomas is Jaysons cat? said a confused Ruby. He is, Eddie was panicking about what to do with him. When I say panicking he was hinting at looking after him, probably fuelled by the thought of all that cat food. Ill have him here. Thomas that is, not Eddie. Though Id actually probably prefer Eddie Ive never got on with cats, sly, disloyal things as far as I can see. Ruby looked at him with such overt warmth it made both of them slightly uncomfortable. Whilst Ruby left with a glowing heart, Frank retreated back to his room with confusion in his. In realising his first group meeting would be in the next few days, Frank had a meticulous shave before bed, wanting his appearance to be at its optimum a two-to-three day stubble for when he next got to spend considerable time with Ruby. As Frank was preening, Eddie arrived back to his new abode scenting cat food, the bizarre scene completed by Floyd frantically sniffing every inch of Thomas. Floyd was assured by an accurate defensive swipe that there was work to do before establishing some kind of hierarchical family pet pecking order.

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ROMANTIC MEAL FOR THREE

Frank now had a few tasks on his to-do list and it was a situation he was revelling in. Having told a strangely submissive Carmela of her fate, he was now focussed on finding out from Charles what had killed Jayson. Alongside trying to organise the first group meeting, as hed ingeniously termed it, he was now attacking each task with renewed enthusiasm. Charles, the resident scientist in Clashton with a propensity for more than a drop of ale, was the first to receive a visit from Frank and their demeanours couldnt have been more different. Frank was at his most spritely and found Charles slouched in a seat, grey hair spilling outwards horizontally in the face of a fan and with a pompous grin on his face. Argh Frank, good to see you! What brings you here oh, you want the results dont you, said Charles in an accent that could only be described as Inebrish. If youve got them. Also are you ready to reveal to me where you keep getting your booze from yet? replied Frank jokingly referring to an ongoing battle. No chance! Ive heard about your reputation, youd drink it ALL. Its not as if theres anything ELSE to do here, is there? replied Charles, certain words losing their volume control in the midst of hiccups. Ive got many a thing to do at the minute, and Ive also got the odd bottle of single malt stashed away to send me to sleep some nights,
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said Frank with a tap on his temple. Anyhow, Ill expect to see you at these meetings were going to have first ones in a couple of days, youll be alerted as to when. I dunno about that, I cant be bothered with those introductory meet-and-greet things, not at my age. Your age? quizzed Frank, not reckoning him to be a day over 45. There wont be any of that awkward meet-and-greet stuff and Id really appreciate it. You could just come and sit at the back, you dont even have to say anything, itd just help to get as many people there as possible. Alright, no harm in coming along I suppose. Anyway, down to business, said Charles, seemingly sobering up in an instant. As they spoke it emerged through Charles analysis that the pills were herbal in origin and outlawed in Britain. Charles concluded that they must have been ordered from an online seller and brought from Earth, something Frank sought extra clarification for. So he definitely brought them in with him? I know you wouldnt know that. I just meant there were no more on him, no? Or found at his apartment? No it was just this one bottle, no prescription note on them or anything. I assume he brought them in with him, yes, and if you dont mind I need to read up on medical hypnosis, Im considering adding that string to my bow. God, this herbal medication is becoming a real issue, isnt it? I just think I couldve stopped it all if I knew more about him, so thats what Im going to do find out more about everyone and speak to these people more. Youre the boss Frankio said Charles, the journey back to smug drunkenness confirmed by a swig from a toxic-looking bottle of liquor. Task number one now semi-complete, with the rest of it temporarily on hold, Frank immediately set about task number two: trying to secure a full attendance at his next group meeting. He was flying around Clashton inviting anyone who crossed his path. His most enjoyable encounter was with Louis, whose quick and concise response of God, sounds fuckin excruciating, Ill be there though,
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was music to Franks ears. He also decided to use Eddie who, since the arrival of Thomas and his food supplies, was almost ever-present in Franks apartment, instructing him to knock on every door and invite, double invite and triple invite people if necessary to clinch their attendance. Frank guiltily wasnt confident in Eddies abilities as a salesman but thought it would at least help to keep his mind occupied when came time to feed Thomas. Task number three consisted of a governmental visit which Frank was informed was imminent. It was a development greeted with initial astonishment by Frank, staggered by the speed of the arrangement. Never one to have excelled at Science in school, Frank concluded that the swift advances in flight technology mustve meant that the flight time between Earth and Muta was now down to 24 hours. This bafflement turned to embarrassment when Keith explained that it still took well over a week to get to Muta, that the journey was pre-planned, and that they were on their way and nearing their destination. The time was nearing when Keith was due to arrive and Frank was going to take Floyd with him as he visited first Ruby and then Carmela. Franks visit to Ruby was one which he had played out the night before, concluding that the clear head he needed until the government had been and gone at least would be best achieved by knowing that Ruby was safe and sound inside her apartment. Ruby sensed Franks trepidation as to whether or not shed changed her mind, and took his instruction to her to stay indoors as another sweet gesture currently looking at Frank through the rosiest of spectacles. Two minutes later they were on their way to Carmelas. Floyd seemed more approving of Franks banter than usual, probably as the result of a sniff-off with Tao rather than acknowledgement of Franks enthusiastic descriptions of Rubys appearance. Carmela also kept her side of the bargain in ensuring Frank moved forward in fine fettle. She was happy to leave Clashton and was emotionally intelligent enough to understand that it was probably the best thing for all involved. Her pleasant attitude over
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the previous couple of days had led Frank to express genuine worry as to how Keith and the government would ensure she would keep things confidential. In the face of Franks more far-fetched conspiracy theories, Carmela reassured Frank that she could handle herself, and that she was sure any carrot offered to her would be simply financial. Both of them dwelt on how strangely amicable their relationship now was, and were almost nostalgic as they approached her pick-up point. The pick-up point in question was pretty much the only designated open space in Clashton, so Frank had the task of preventing people from entering into the area as the ships arrival time approached. With an hour until arrival time, Frank started to daydream. He wondered what lay beyond the designated town of Clashton. The designation was only a luminous line on the ground, and he realised that they were being treated almost like chickens in a coup. He also understood the very real threat of people wandering beyond that line, and even considered whether a wander could be something positive which could be utilised almost like a road trip. Mid-daydream, he saw the ship come into sight, fascinated that it looked so much like a cross between a ship and a warped night sky before bringing himself back to matters at hand. Keith emerged, looking odd Frank thought clothed in a sharp suit. He closed the ship door behind him and approached Frank with strutting urgency. Hi Frank, hows things? Not too bad, pleasant journey? I assume not. Too right it was hellish. Ill go and grab your people. Its a bit of a whistle-stop Im afraid but Ill call you again soon to see how things are, its just weve got to get going back. Right then, caught by the personality machine, mumbled Keith, whilst perusing his clipboard. Weve only got two more for you Frank, weve got Larry, a calculating vigilante youll need to keep a close eye on him with some of the other people here. Theres also Dean, whos a profound sexist he said, handing Frank some papers and rushing back to grab the new residents, head bowed so as not to acknowledge Franks reaction. As Carmela quietly boarded the ship, Frank noted that she was led into a section of the ship that he didnt know existed. Putting that to the back of his mind, he was free to concentrate on the two
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new arrivals and decided to lead them to his office for a brief group overview. He called them in individually to find out more about their circumstances and afflictions. The briefing was a process he had tried to do with all the residents in Clashton, but there were some he had missed during the first overwhelming influx most poignantly Jayson. Conveniently, the timing of the individual briefings now saw to it that he didnt have to witness the removal of Jaysons body. Larry the calculating vigilante was the first person Frank summoned into his office, and Frank had already formed a hundred speculative punts in his head as to what his moniker could mean. Before him stood a man who looked determined and confused at the same time, Larrys considerable forehead looking like fifty elbows had been smashed into it.. Hi Larry. So, I hate doing this but Ill be open with you, youre down here as a calculating vigilante. Now Ive learnt enough from these to know that this moniker might be completely inaccurate. Do you know why thats how your personality has been described? Sorry, thisll have to be a quick getto-know-you as well, but Ill speak to you again soon. Newcastle or Sunderland? said Frank with genuine enthusiasm, having spent considerable time in his youth going back and forth to sample the social delights of the Bigg Market and Quayside. Dornt associate me wi that mackem shite, man, said Larry, lifting his shirt to reveal the Newcastle team crest. Vigilante means someone who teks it upon emselves to get their own back on someone who deserves it, doesnt it? If youre saying Im one of them Im proud to admit it, like. I guess Im like a vigilante doctor as I always give em their medicine. A vigilante is someone who takes the law into their own hands, yes. I suppose vigilante justice is where a person who feels wronged can dish out the justice that they feel is appropriate with no consequences. Problem being that there usually are consequences, though. Calculating would assume that youre a cunning man so how do you go about it? Youre obviously good at not getting caught if youve no criminal offences?
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In me youth me mam got burgled by some lad. She had a heart attack and died. I burgled him back, took everything he owned, and almost killed him. I just think these criminals need a taste of their own medicine like. I recently got done fo stalkin that guy, do yee remembor that guy that used to stalk newsreaders ages ago? Got accused of killing one of them. Ive been stalking him the past few yeors. You know them anti-monarchy protesters? I agree with them man so a gang of us dressed up as poliss an pepper sprayed em, see the protestors then gained sympathy an support from the public. Is that why Im heor? Weve never been caught. Sorry to hear about your mum. Please dont give anyone grief here, its not that bad, were trying to make it as enjoyable as possible for everyone from now on, so try and be a part of it. Also, remember that vigilante justice in the end will often only hurt those who are innocent, and most importantly yourself. You might not be here for long anyway, so you may as well enjoy it as much as possible did they say how long youd be here for? They just said about three months, like. It shouldnt be anywhere near that long now were about halfway through, said Frank, filing away any conspiracy-based suspicion for another time. Ill let you get on anyway and settle in as best you can. Weve got a big group meeting tomorrow which Ill expect to see you at. Oh, and one last thing, said Frank as Larry turned for the door, you burgle burglars, stalk stalkers so have you murdered murderers, raped rapists and the like? Eh man, no! Like I says, I try and keep a lid on it nowadays. Id love to throttle some of these child killers mind, give em some of me medicine, but I know I have to be wiser than that. Frank conducted the remaining two introductory interviews in a calmer frame of mind given Larrys response, confident that though there may still be work to be done hopefully he didnt require immediate attention. He was also morally at a loss; part of him rationally appalled, part of him in awe of Larrys ingenious logic. Meeting Dean provided Frank with a more humorous rather than worrying level of interaction. A man fiercely secure in his own heterosexuality, he found Deans rather amorous style amusing, with
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his old-fashioned manner making Frank think of how life must have been in centuries gone by. Almost bouncing his way through Clashton, so springy was his step, Frank made his way back to his apartment to finalise plans for the first group meeting, and the following day he was still bouncing, this time with nervous adrenalin. It was the day of his first introductory group meeting, and, ever a careful thinker, he acknowledged to himself that it was long overdue whilst bemoaning verbally to Floyd the lack of a dry cleaner to reinvigorate one of his tired and outdatedlooking shirts. He was aware that some quality interaction with Ruby was but hours away, so he was sure to finish off his grooming procedure that hed started a couple of nights before. Frank took Floyd and Eddie for their morning walk, not yet comfortable leaving Eddie alone in the apartment for fear of returning to a scene resembling a dirty cat food protest. Eddie was in an edgily chirpy mood, not having had his morning fix. Frank, why we got this meeting again? Do I really av to come? I cant stand stuff like this, know what I mean. Its a group meeting, and Id like you there, youd be good support for me. Its basically just where we can all finally get to know one another properly. You dont have to get involved if you dont want, just sit at the back somewhere. You can sit at the back with Floyd actually, then if he needs to go outside for the toilet or something you can take him out for me. Alright, but Im not saying owt. I dont know anyone ere really. Then this might help to get to know people. And I dont mean in an awkward way, Id never force that. You might equally not want to get to know anyone and thats fine as well. Youre living at mine for the time being, anyway, so thats all fine. Next stop on Franks packed schedule for that day was his first outing at the communal lunch. He thought it was an ideal time to show his face, what with the meeting that evening. As he entered the hall, the room was buzzing, with the buzz turning to a gossiping whisper as his presence was noted. As he plonked himself down on the first table he came to, he looked up to see the company hed chosen was Grace and Sonia.
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God, this food Gareths knocking up leaves a bit to be desired doesnt it, said Frank awkwardly. Is e the chef? Gareth? No one heres ever met him, e wont allow anyone into his kitchen, said Grace. Hes just shy the shy chef thats what hes down as and why hes here, isnt it ridiculous, said Frank. Eh Frank, we wuz juss chattin bout some of the jobs we used to av when we wuz younger. Me and Grace worked in this chicken factory, God it was minging, said Sonia. Ruby used to work in a chicken factory, you should compare notes said Frank. Bet it wuz nothing like this place we worked. Sonn, yous remember how loud they had dat local radio station on? Frank, they used to play local radio on a loop all day long at maximum volume, the same songs over and over, onestly it were like being in a crap nightclub chocker full of morons! quipped Grace. Frank was blending in nicely with tales of his own work nightmares, until a comment from Grace about people on the next table eating like pigs briefly flicked his switch. Neither Grace, Sonia nor Frank were aware whether the preachy diatribe that followed was a diss towards Grace and Sonia or not, and Frank slunk off moments later, amicably citing the need to prepare for the meeting as an excuse. Later that afternoon Frank was indeed preparing, and was putting the finishing touches to his very sketchy schedule for the meeting. It was purposely sketchy as Frank didnt want to overwhelm any of his audience with anything too formal. Suddenly he was interrupted by a thorough knock at the door, one which awoke both Floyd and Eddie from one of their spontaneous sleeps. Frank mon, open up the door! I need to chat to you about something. Okay, okay, hold on a sec! said Frank, relieved that it was one of his less disruptive charges calling on a day where avoiding disruption was paramount. Whats happening, Dext? he said, instantly recoiling at how skimpy his attempt at a pally nickname was.
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I dont wanna cause you no botha Frank, but I was wondering why Susie got the gig with these tickets why no one else had a chance to put imselves forward? What you on about Dexter? Whos Susie again? I vaguely remember her but replied Frank, whilst scrambling around for his list of people on Clashton. Shes dat ticket tout woman. Shes hout there now tryin to give out tickets to the meeting tonight. I didnt even know you needed tickets mon, but anyway shes giving them out for free. I could do a way betta job for you Frankie, just gimmie da chance. Frank had located his list, found the name of Susie the polite female ticket tout, and was already on the charge to investigate further. You dont need tickets, anyone can come Dexter! I want as many there as possible so your services arent required. Ill move Susie on now, just go back home for a bit and Ill see you tonight. No problem Frank mon. Susie was within earshot as soon as Frank stepped out of his apartment. Tickets anyone, tickets? Terribly sorry to bother you all but I have tickets here only if youd like them, if not thats really not a problem! Just walk past and have a wonderful day. But if you would like some, Id be delighted to speak to you and give them to you, Frank heard in a high-pitched timid voice. Susie! bellowed Frank with hand in the air. Can I have a word? As he approached he became slightly shocked by her appearance; she looked very demure and just like a slightly younger version of his older sister Judy. Susie pretended not to see Frank and instinctively tried to get out of eyeshot, wandering off towards the nearest corner, and looking the other way. Susie, two secs! gasped Frank, now jogging after her. I just wanted a quick word. Theres no need to be giving out tickets to people for the meeting tonight, I dont want people thinking they cant come without a ticket. Goodness me. Good day Frank, how are you? said Susie.
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Im good, thanks, but can you just stop trying to give these tickets to people for tonights meeting? Its no big issue or anything, I just want as many people as possible there, are you going to come? Yes of course Ill be there, dear. I know I shouldnt have imposed on you like that, but Ive been a bit lost around here with nothing to do, and this is the first real big event weve had. I just thought I could maybe sell some tickets. I then realised no ones really got any money, so thought I could give them away. Im so sorry dear, I really dont push them onto people though, not like your usual tout. Im here if the people need me. Thats very sweet Susie, and I understand about the lack of things to do here, but Im going to start having more of these group meetings now, and hopefully we can come up with some ideas between us out of that. For how we can pass the time here a bit more productively, and so its as enjoyable as possible for everyone. Maybe you could propose an idea of giving out tickets to an event which comes off the back of that? Its just I want as many people there as possible tonight. Sound okay? Of course, sorry dear, Ill just toddle off home now. And dont worry from what Ive been told therell be a roaring turnout for you. Thanks, said Frank, a satisfied and lip-pursing expression now etched on his face. With that he was off back to his apartment for a power nap, having slept little the night before due to the sound of either Floyd or Eddie whimpering he was still unsure who was responsible. Even though Frank had instructed him to do so, he was awoken in shock by Eddie violently shaking his shoulder an hour before the meeting was due to start with a hungry Floyd hovering above him inquisitively.

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SELF-LOVING
Half an hour later Frank was meticulously spruced and ready to go. As he left he was fully ensconced in his familiar nerve-shedding mind-set, fully preparing and expecting the worst-case scenario and telling himself it was all no big deal. That mind-set was wrestling with more positive contemplation as he saw residents buzzing towards the Social Club from all angles. The first person he encountered was Giles lurking in the doorway. Hi Giles, how we looking weather-wise these next few days? said Frank, his nervousness evident in questioning a climate which hadnt noticeably changed since theyd arrived. I wish there was something to report Frank. From what I can work out about this fuckin jigaboo! climate, nothing changes. The humidity and mugginess, I spoke to that two-bitjackoffpussybutt! Charles and apparently were on an exoplanet, which means we turn around a different fuckinjackofffaggot! star to the sun. I dont get any of that scientific stuff Giles, theyre just the biggest geniuses in the world to me. So whats on the menu then for the next few weeks, much of the same? Giles cleared his throat, The temperature should be anything between 10 to 40 celsius so I dont know why were getting this constant fuckingbothersnipe! weather, it could be a sort of season I guess. But for the next few cuntassshit-eating! weeks its staying the same as far as I can see, winced Giles, looking like every word was painful to produce.
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Cool, youre going to have a key role on Muta for me here, looking out for weather and natural disasters and things like that. Glad to have you on board. Erratic encounter complete, Frank strode towards the centre of the room with forced confidence stopping to awkwardly greet anyone who crossed his path. Frank had earlier arranged the seating so that he and Ruby were stationed in the centre of the room with the chairs forming a circle around him. It was a layout which would operate more like a workout in practice, with Frank constantly having to manually swivel his chair to address whoever was talking. As he scanned the room trying to avert his mind from the fact that Ruby had not yet arrived, Phil down as a muscly geek was the first person he noticed, and he noted that his physique seemed somewhat shrivelled, probably as a result of their diet he concluded. He then spotted Clarence and internally applauded the effort hed made with his outfit, with the other residents reactions to his sparkling dress providing Frank with some light relief. Finally an exquisite Ruby finally emerged from behind Julians massive frame. As she waltzed towards the centre of the room her popularity ensured that she was constantly waving and nodding to the assembled masses, until becoming the recipient of two or three vociferous cat calls. In turn, these cat calls ensured that Frank rather aggressively gulped from his bottle of water as Ruby came to take her seat next to him. Here goes, said Frank as she sat down. Greeted in return by a semismile from Ruby that oozed confidence, he began the proceedings, satisfied with the healthy turnout and unconcerned if there were more still to arrive. Hello everyone, can I get your attention, said Frank feebly, and looking glum. Excuse me, everyone! he tried again. People listen! snapped Ruby. The noise died down to a quiet murmur in an instant. Thanks. Thanks, said Frank, addressing both the crowd and Ruby. Thanks everyone for coming firstly. Ive got some apologies to make. For that shirt? said Louis, situated within heckling distance. You not own an iron? It looks like a venetian blind or something.
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Frank was glad of both the interruption and the ensuing murmur which filled the room on the back of Louis comment, hoping it might serve to de-formalise the mood. You can iron my next one if you want Louis maybe use that flat face of yours instead of an iron, he said, to deafening silence. Frank, ever the comedic self-critic, saw the silence more as the result of possibly the worst attempt at a joke he could ever remember cracking rather than an indication of his current status with the residents. It was a mind-set which worked to his advantage as he ploughed on regardless. No, my apologies are because I think Ive approached things in the wrong way since Ive been here. Can you lot just listen please! snapped Ruby again, trying to drown out a couple of strains of here here. Anyway, to let you all know, Carmela, who some of you met quite a lot, has returned back home shes no longer here and youll never have to see her again. It was Franks trump card and he played it earlier than hed have liked as he felt he was losing the audience. The result was spectacular. The residents stopped speaking amongst themselves and suddenly started making each other aware of what Frank had just said. Seconds later the room was awash with cheers, whoops, and celebratory obscenities. The cheers reminded Frank of the cheers which littered one of his favourite songs, namely that of the prison inmates in San Quentin. It didnt sit well with him as a prison environment was the last thing hed wanted to create in Clashton. She wasnt too bad she wasnt malicious, she just thought that what she was doing was the best way to go about things. And certainly she wasnt responsible for Jaysons death, tragic though it was. I was probably more responsible than her for that I didnt get to know him at all, didnt put on any activities or anything like that. And thats what I want to apologise for really. Its a strange situation here, none of us have known anything like it, and Ive made mistakes, and will probably make more. With that in mind, why dont we just try and enjoy the next however long? Lets talk to each other, get to know each other, try and
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enjoy it. I dont know, maybe we can see what talents weve got here, put some kind of entertainment on. Maybe we can explore this planet a bit further. I know were not meant to venture past the boundaries of Clashton but why not? The government wont find out so who cares? said Frank, flailing his arms wide to make his point. Jesus Frank, look at those patches! Bit nervous up there? jibed Louis. Just a tad, thanks for that though, Frank said with an acknowledging nod of the head. Were going to have these group meetings from now on, theyll be forums where anyone can share what they want. You can ask me anything, we can speak about anything, you can offer anything you like. Just so you know a bit more about me, obviously my names Frank, Im Frank Noon, Im Look everyone, just listen and you might learn something! said Ruby, trying to silence the dissident crowd. Thanks. Im Frank Noon, Im from Abingdon, which is a small town in Oxfordshire. Tell them about what type of society youd like to see Frank, you know the egalitarian thing, how you think society should work, back on Earth, and everyone here just listen and think, please, begged Ruby. I think everything needs to change in our society in our society and our generation. Obviously Id like to ultimately see all racist, sexist, and ageist ideologies completely eliminated, along with all other discriminatory ideologies, and any and all media-perpetuated beliefs. That way I think everyone would be aware of their own inherent abilities, and those of others, without categorising or stereotyping them according to skin colour, age and sex and things like that. I guess thats what I was thinking when I let Carmela loose on you all, for which again I apologise. I stupidly thought that in making everywhere aware of their shortfalls, as well as their abilities, it would somehow help to create this honest mentality here, where wed all be aware of each others personalities and qualities. It really was probably the most stupid idea Ive ever had and I really am sorry. Stop grovelling Frank, its cool were not kids, said Louis. Thanks. I think its peoples perceptions of who we are that needs
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changing, said Frank, already in full lecturer mode, changing the tempo and volume of his voice where necessary to accentuate key points. We all share the same genetic code and are birthed from the same common ancestral DNA strand. Not quite Frank mon, mine be better than yours Im sure. I dont speak posh like you either mon, said Dexter, standing up to make his point. Not so, its so exacting and similar, yet then as unique and diverse as the world around us. And I really hate it when people think Im posh, Im not at all. Id have given anything for an accent like yours Dexter. Really, honestly? chirped Louis. I cant stand people thinking Im posh, Im middle-class I guess, from a middle-class background. My dad actually, Id say, is working class, I suppose my mum middle-class and my upbringing middleclass. My family have always been farmers, my granddad a miner, my dad a milkman, thats hardly posh or upper class. Tell them what you were saying about perspective to me the other day, Frank, said Ruby, aware that Franks mood was either about to become belligerent, damagingly boring, or both. That perspective is one of the key points to being happy in your life, it really is. Dont ever forget that there are people worse off than you when youre bemoaning a situation. Still, now, as we approach our 22nd century, there are children in the world who rejoice just at surviving into adulthood. This isnt ideal, us all being here on Muta, but were warm, we wont go hungry. Ye might not Frankie, this shit weez eating is almost inedible. Frank identified the voice as that of Angus and scanned the room for his diminutive presence, finally pinpointing him in the crowd beneath Julians outstretched armpit. Louis and Angus commentary were serving to turn Franks rhetoric more into bullet-point format, which was something Ruby in particular was glad of as she dwelt on whether his comments were having any effect. Im eating that same crap Angus I promise you. Have you not noticed Im eating in with you every day now? Ive just never had much care for food, just wolf it down as fuel then get out. I agree
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its hard work though, Ill try and get some kind of upgrade on it I promise. Really try and think about it though everyone perspective. That, and I suppose ego, are to me two ways of ensuring you have a happy life and are things you can directly influence. We often seem more concerned about dog poo and muck on our streets rather than the hundreds more serious problems going on around the planet, said Frank pausing for a moment for effect. People here, including myself, might have various afflictions Such as talking too much? Louis interjected. Indeed. I want every single one of you to be confident in yourselves. Be confident, be honest. I genuinely have no more skills than any of you sat here less Id guess. You should see me trying to change a plug or trying to draw a picture, Im appalling. Be honest with yourself at all times and also with others, unless itll hurt their feelings then youve got a dilemma. Someone said once that if you always tell the truth you dont have to remember anything thats probably why when you get drunk and your true feelings come out your memory goes! God, thats a theory. So thats ego, perspective and honesty. Back to ego as well, another point is that if you love yourself, others might think youre an absolute arsehole but you wont care what they think if you love yourself will you, and why should you? You can love yourself and still care about others and have very good morals. Thats then the main thing, if youve got good morals then your conscience can be clear. A big ego is only a positive. I completely disagree with Ghandi great man that he was because I dont think the ego and your soul awakening are mutually exclusive entities. You should take his lead, this man honestly loves himself more than any Ive ever met! said Ruby, glint in her eye. Too right I do Rubes, youre the one who has to spend every second of every day with yourself, so spend every second of the day with someone who you love its brilliant, I assure you. Every one of you should wake up every single day and say to yourself Im going to live today like a superstar. It feels nice to love someone, yes? And it feels nice to be loved by someone. So if you love yourself you get both of these I agree for once, said Nigel, situated behind Frank and provoking
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Frank to do a 360 degree swivel. Rohypnol helps to that end. I once spiked my own drink with it and had one of the best nights of my life. I saw this hottie bit of hand leaning on the altar one Sunday morning and just knew I had to take advantage of myself. Later that evening I slipped the little pill into my drink when I wasnt looking, started a bit of flirting with myself, then went back to my place. Next thing I knew I woke up on the couch at mine the next morning, the place was a complete tip as though Id tried to fight myself off or something. Then I notice I was naked, bruised and very tender in certain areas, added Nigel. Alright, alright! said Frank, utterly bewildered. I dont mean that kind of love, just loving yourself as a person, mentally not physically. It really is a miracle of the human brain that you yourselves can directly influence that, so use that ability to the full. Im just trying to suggest that things like ego, confidence, arrogance theyre all positive qualities and if you can learn to adopt them itll invariably lead to you having a happy disposition and thus lead to a happier life. Actually, thats something you can all do for the next meeting, a bit of homework for you, as youre all complaining of being bored. I want every one of you to think of something youre good at, and I wont have any of you telling me you couldnt find anything. Every single one of you is good at something. It could even be something as trivial as being a good talker, a good walker you could have a good walk, thats something youre good at. And something youre most definitely not good at, said Louis, referring to Franks camp gait. Dont worry its not my best quality either shouted Marcel. Frank decided to ignore the comment but his cockles were visibly warmed by it. Anyway, you think about what youre good at for the next meeting and remember these things I said and really think about them. That confidence and ego are two things you can influence and which in turn can influence how happy you are in your life. I truly believe that and Im not often wrong obviously I think that because my ego is so big, but in this case I really think Im right. Chutzpah thats what its all about.
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What yous mean foot spa? quizzed Sonia. No, chutzpah Sonia! he said with a grin. It means to be audacious, impudent, to have gall and balls in equal measure. Greatest word in the English language I reckon, though I think it might be Jewish or something. Oh, and another thing, he said, beginning to bask in Rubys ever-growing glow, its quite simple really, but I was thinking the other day that you only live once so work out the things that you enjoy doing and do them as often as possible. I know that might be hard to do here on Muta but Im talking about when you go back home. Its simple some people might enjoy parenting, if you do, then have children. If youre not going to enjoy it then dont have children, just think about it first, what it is youd enjoy, and dont let anyone or any outside pressure influence you. I suppose by the same token actually, if youre unfortunate enough that the most enjoyment you can get from life is from the environment of a pub, the camaraderie stuff like that, then spend a lot of time in the pub. Yes, you might die young but at least youve spent large portions of your life doing what you enjoy doing. Everyones different. My advice would be that doing everything like that in moderation is by far the best option, it really is. Everything in moderation can lead to a brilliant lifestyle. The truest thing anyone ever said is never trust a man with no vices everyone should and does invariably have vices, just keep them in check. Im in control of everything and yet dont mind the odd blowout. I love the horses, studying the form and all that, and sometimes, about once a month or so, I put 20 on a horse. Its not harming anyone, its controlled and its something I enjoy doing. Do it to excess though and it can ruin lives. God, you know how to live Frankie, 20 eh? piped Louis. The point, dear Louis, is that as long as it doesnt affect others in a negative manner then just do what you enjoy doing as often as possible, its simple. That philosophy should underpin society and its something that nanny states dont get that lifes about enjoying yourself and if what you find enjoyable isnt harming anyone else then its simply no problem. In my opinion, its then about balance. If you can balance it right youll strike gold, youll enjoy a night out as much as a night in looking after the kids, just try and balance it so you enjoy everything in life.
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As much as Frank was waffling off the beaten track, Ruby was encouraged by the reaction of his audience, most appearing more attentive rather than comatose as she had feared. As much as she was encouraged, she was also then dumbfounded by witnessing Frank shuffling his papers and tidying them into an obsessively neat pile, clearly so happy with his own musings that he considered it job done for the evening. Ruby stepped in to neurotically nudge him and remind him that the purpose of the meeting had in no way been achieved yet. Right you lot, no one is really sharing anything about themselves so Ill kick things off, said Ruby. Franks face recoiled. Obviously you all know me, my name is Ruby Wu. I moved to Britain from Beijing when I was 4. I moved to a town called Hereford, which wasnt that easy for my family as you can guess. Beijing is so cosmopolitan, and Hereford maybe not so. But its such a nice town and I got a bit bullied at school. We were the only ethnic family there. Ive got really good friends from there, and though I live in London now I still see them all the time. Im a journalist, which some of you know, so be on your guard at all times, said Ruby with finger-wagging tease. Frank felt sheepish and guilty, realising that this information was as fresh to him as it was to everyone else. So, does anyone else want to share? said Ruby. Tarqney, how about you? she said, picking on one of the more stable and confident residents in her midst. One was born into a jolly wealthy family in Oxfordshire, not too far from you, actually, Frank. Absolutely top hole I have to say. Anyway my family lost all of our estate when one was 7 or 8 and so we moved to Manchester, where one had to live with my Uncle Onslow for a few years. I suppose it was quite the rough area really, a block of flats and all that, but God we had a laugh in those days! Thats lovely Tarqney, thanks for sharing. Who else wants to, whos next? Frank certainly wasnt overly enamoured with Rubys current behaviour; that she was turning it into an awkward and forced forum
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was everything he wanted to avoid. That she also didnt let Tarqney finish also rankled with him, especially as Tarqneys story was one which was fascinating to him. Just as he was about to interrupt and carefully ease Ruby away from her emotionally driven rule, Duncan clambered onto a chair near the back of the room to get involved. Hi Frank, my questions to you really, he said, chillingly reminding Frank of an ill-fated appearance on Question Time some years before. A while ago you said you were happy for me to police Clashton, but can you let everyone here know thats what you said. Some people here dont respect me and thats obviously key if Im to be in charge here. I dont like naming names but Jeremy and Nigel are by far the two worst. First of all you just did name names which isnt a good quality. Secondly, youre not in charge here Im in charge. Im entirely happy for you to report back to me if theres anything problematic going on, and everyone here can and will now know that obviously, but I dont want you trying to name and shame people in here, in front of everyone. Its just I remember you saying how much you hated cruelty to animals and I saw Jeremy the other day aiming a kick at that cat youve now got living with you. What? Is Jeremy here? Hes here, shouted an unidentifiable voice, Frank just seeing a hand pointing. Frank launched into a long tirade about his intolerance towards any form of animal cruelty, again reckoning on a link between deviancy and attacking a defenceless creature. He glanced in Jeremys direction to see him clearly not taking note of the rebuke and, as much as he didnt see violence or aggression as the way to solve any problems, felt a volley would be apt. And Jeremy, remember you havent got your gang to back you up here if you try anything like that again. At this point Frank remembered that, though Jeremys gang consisted of only one man, this one man was more intimidating than the Aryan Brotherhood. As he quickly changed the focus of
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his chatter, he resembled a stunted driver pulling up alongside his larger road rage victim as the lights turned to red. In the midst of his confusion Frank failed to notice that someone else had piped up and was talking at the same time. It was Nigel. Whats my crime exactly Duncan? Ask the women in here what your crime is. You wont leave them alone, constantly pestering them. He is Frank, always going on about frenchies and people cock-blocking him. And hes started wearing nail polish now and goes on about sailors handshakes all the time I dont even know what it is, someone told me that. Alright, alright. Ive told you Duncan I dont like this snitching regardless The women dont mind it anyway, they know Im just a bit of a flirt sneered Nigel. You can take it too far though at times, said Amber, situated directly in front of Nigel. As I said Nigel, just try and tone it down a bit. How about you Amber? Care to share your history? said Frank. Sure, most people probably know my background anyway as I can talk too much, Im told. Are you in here because youre ginger and somehow get a lot of action? quipped Louis. No, you cheeky git! said Amber. Maybe its because Im a romantic and I like to receive money in return for my romantic side. Frank? The statement prompted Nigel to sit to attention, back straightened like a startled meerkat. I think its because of your old-fashioned nature or something, replied Frank unconvincingly. In being uncomfortably put on the spot, ashamed as he was by the governments labelling of the residents, he thus surmised that it was time to call an end to the proceedings, trying to avoid all interaction with Ruby as he did so. Hed lost his patience with Ruby slightly now that shed demanded participation from the residents in such a forced manner. There was still only a handful of residents who felt comfortable enough to talk and Frank felt that maybe the residents
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were better served just listening to him and getting to know him at the present time. He wasnt crediting himself with being able to make a difference at this stage as he thought itd be a long process getting the residents to open up in such a forum, one which needed to be played out at their own pace. That he felt this way was something he was entirely surprised about, never usually one who embraced such public speaking. After years of having most of his opinions shot down in flames in parliament, part of him was just satisfied by the fact that his views werent being challenged. It almost dared him to believe that his message was being heard.

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LOVE MONSTER
Frank was certainly warming to his new-found therapeutic mindset, and for the next week or so he focused almost solely on spending time with Eddie to find out more about him. It was with the hope of stumbling upon some kind of rehabilitation method the motivating factor for which was a horrific early morning incident involving Eddie, some KiteKat, a distressed cat and a hungry dog. Frank had a small skill-set to work with, but gleaned inspiration for his task from his time at Cambridge University. There, typically, he railed against all things upper-class and befriended a man called Alex, who was stoically working-class. Alexs family all hailed from a military background and it wasnt long before he followed suit. It left Frank on his own for his final year and he consciously became somewhat of a recluse, acknowledging that his previous years partying had left him with a considerable amount of ground to make up on the final stretch. Frank kept in touch with Alex, and just after finishing his course he received the crushing news that hed been partially blinded by a roadside bomb in Iraq. It was just as Frank was moving to London to embark on what he then thought was the start of his journey to change the face of Britains society forever. The start of his mission was disrupted initially by the news that Alex had been sent home and was back at Cambridge. Frank made regular trips back to see him. Shortly after, it became clear that Alex was dealing with his plight none too well and Frank was hit by the
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further realisation that Alex, always the more experimental of the two, had in fact plunged headfirst into drug addiction. Frank, somewhat bitterly bemoaning his conscience, fashioned himself onto a postgraduate course at Cambridge so he could try and be closer to and help Alex as best he could. For that year he scrambled around trying to get opinions off some of the top psychological minds in the country as to how to go about helping Alex. He took him to numerous doctors, walked him into many a therapy session, and gradually Alex began to overcome his struggles. It wasnt easy, Frank often snapped with frustration, mainly when he realised that he was powerless to help Alex and that addiction was one area where his opinions didnt lead to a definitive solution. However, Alex very publicly accredited Frank with saving his life, identifying Franks support and unique musings on the subject as key. Frank knew this wasnt the case clearly more decisive factors for him being the professional help and Alex regaining a certain amount of his sight. However, Alexs status meant that his very public plight had acted as a boost to Franks political career, so for once he was convinced to accept the accolades. As Frank took Floyd for his morning walk, he racked his brain to try and wean out as much information, advice and lessons as he could remember from getting involved in Alexs rehabilitation. He was aware that this probably wouldnt help all that much in Eddies situation, presuming the link between drug addiction and cat food addiction to be fairly slim. He was also acutely aware, though, that there was rarely a sole successful method in these situations, and that he couldnt make that much difference in a matter of months anyway so he felt there was nothing to lose and vowed to at least give it a shot and try his best. The thing that stuck foremost in his mind regarding overcoming addictions was the need to take baby steps while curing a patient. It was something he felt hed have to be particularly mindful of given the constrictions of time left on Muta and therefore the temptation to rush in their situation. Other things he remembered filled him with more hope. He may have been selecting sound bites to suit his particular arrangement, but he recalled an avuncular, bald man stressing to him
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that prescription drugs werent a permanent solution. That natural therapy was always the best cure, and that friends and family had a crucial role to play. He felt he could realistically garner together some of these circumstances in Clashton and again it was the friendship mood which he was principally concentrating on. In doing so he remembered the words of an elderly grey-haired lady who was one his tutors at Cambridge and who was also strangely avuncular. Our addictions can often be caused by us not being loved in the way we want to be loved. To have perfect love we must begin with and have complete trust and faith in the thing or person we are in love with or are being loved by, was the sentence swirling around Franks head. It made little sense to him at the time and, even now approaching it from his altered mindset, it still sounded way too free-thinking and free-spirited with an overdose on free-love. One thing resonated deeply with him though, the notion of trust. It was something that he had naturally been trying to drum into Eddie since he allowed him into his home, that he could trust him implicitly. Regardless, he still felt the need for a quick refresher session upon his return from Floyds walk that morning, Frank deeming that hed hit on the perfect line of attack. As Frank released his shackles, Floyd bounded straight up to Eddie, taking exquisitely to his role as Eddies second guardian. Eddie, a quick word? said Frank. I ant been at that cat food this morning Frank, promise you. No its not that it kind of is, but I want you to know that you can trust me. You know that? Yeah I know that, fanks. No, but literally you can really trust me with anything. I had a friend once who was an addict, drugs, it got pretty bad and I went through the rehabilitation thing with him. I consider you a friend Eddie, you can trust me and maybe I could do that with you, when we get back to Earth. How come youve never got into drugs, have you? As one of your addictions? No, never. I never got into anything for more than a couple of days before I came ere, and so never wanted to try anyfing like that, know what I mean.
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Anyway, in working with my friend in trying to get him through his drug addiction I remember a few things that the people who really know how to deal with this stuff told me. You have to really know that there are people here you can trust, and you really can. You can trust me to do anything for you. You can trust Floyd too, hes the most loyal creature in the world. You can trust Ruby as well, she adores you and shed do anything for you. You need to try and make friends here beyond the two of us. Youve got me and Ruby but there are so many others here. Ill try and set some stuff up so you can get involved with the others maybe? Eddie didnt muster a word in response. I wont force you to do anything, but theres nothing to lose. Were here for the next however long we may as well try and enjoy it. Do you know what a therapist would say about your addictions? Theyd say your cat food is possibly the only entrance to unconditional love in your life, and that often this addiction comes on worse at a time when you feel that you cannot trust or have faith in others and, even more so, yourself. It might then give you the feeling that your addiction is the only thing you can trust, said Frank, surprising himself with his own take on what the avuncular aunt had told him years before. I dont fink cat food loves me, Frank. No, I dont mean that obviously this applies to all of your addictions that you keep getting though, not just the cat food. All I need you to understand is that people here care about you and trust you, and you can trust us. Also Eddie, just remembering one thing this woman said to me with Alex she said you should try thanking your addiction and moving on, do you know what I mean by that? No, not really, said Eddie, almost trying to hide behind Floyds considerable bulk. Just thank the addiction for being there, thank it for loving you when you had nothing else you could trust but youve got that now so you dont need it anymore. Youve got friends here now who love you. It was hard to deduce who was hating such sentences more, Franks mouth or Eddies ears. Either way, Frank was committed to following his diatribe through to the end. He was so mid-flow he
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hadnt even noticed that Eddies shield had deserted him. Floyd was now interested in a newcomer to the scene. Frank swivelled to see Ruby stood just inside the door. See, heres Ruby Ed. Another person you can implicitly trust, isnt that right Rubes? Course he, you, can trust me Eddie. God, Im not going anywhere am I, none of us are for a while. And even when we go back I still want to see you, if thats okay with you? she said. Frank gave Eddie no forum to respond, instead diving back in with more regurgitated therapeutic gold gold to Frank, comedy gold to Ruby. Something else someone said to me at the time might work as well. If you adapt it to your situation here, it would basically advise Eddie, you still listening? he said, noting Eddies sleepy disposition. I am man, just a bit tired, know what I mean. Ill let you go now, go back to bed or something. Just listen to this: I really think you need to help others here, really try to help them and think about the other people here more. Theres others worse off than you so itd be good for you, good for them, good for you especially just to think about others offer your love without condition through helping others, thatd be so good to do. Frank didnt seek a response from Eddie, wanting instead to let him stew on his profound parting shot, and ushered him and Floyd outside. Finally alone with Frank, Ruby wasnt about to miss an opportunity for ridicule, happy to let the reason for her visit be known when all ribbed out. Soooooo, thank the addiction for loving you? Offer your love without condition by helping others? Did you really say those words Frank, or is it Francine?! Yes very good, I know I got a bit carried away but Im more than secure in my sexuality, and anyway youre the one whos created this monster! Youre the one always trying to push me into becoming a bit more open to these matters of the heart. Im joking Frank! I think its brilliant. Im not sure you have the powers to help an addict like Eddie, but its good he knows people care about him. Just make that as far as you go heart-wise, I think youll give
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yourself a heart attack maybe if you try and dig any deeper. Anyway, the reason I came round was to apologise, really, for my behaviour yesterday. You apologise? I need to apologise to you more like. To me, what for? Let me go first anyway. I know I took over a bit yesterday and butted in, but it was only because I thought you were doing well and some of your rabbiting on was maybe hitting home. Rabbiting on? I dont rabbit, I converse. Yes, whatever Frank. I just thought you were gearing up to stop when you had so much more to talk to them about and offer. No, I was a bit conscious that I didnt want to flood them with anything. Dont you remember listening to lectures, or teachers at school? You switch off after a while. Frank, you were talking for about five minutes! she shouted. I was a bit over-zealous in the way I put people on the spot a bit, and I know you didnt want that; Im sorry, I just got a bit carried away. Its fine, you were probably right in doing so, but also I was a bit scared that weve got to do one of these sessions every few days, and Ill quite quickly run out of stuff to talk about. You! The man with an opinion on just about everything? I dont think thats possible. Anyway, lets make you uncomfortable, whats your apology for? Your outrageous flirting with Kadeisha? Im joking by the way. No it was oh, just that when you were speaking, giving your little forced introduction, I realised that in all the time weve been here, and in however close weve got which Id like to think is pretty close I realised that I havent asked you anything about yourself really, about your upbringing, life, anything. Which makes me conclude that Ive been fairly self-obsessed the whole time weve been here. Im so sorry, I couldnt be more interested in learning stuff about you, I just Its fine, youve had a ridiculous load on your mind since youve been here. Its not really, it cut me up a bit to hear you hinting about your tough upbringing, said Frank. Oh God, it wasnt that bad at all. One thing it gave me was a bit of inner strength to deal with things, after all being here hasnt bothered
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me at all apart from being away from my family. Very few of the people who used to bully me were actually nasty people, most of them were just a bit ignorant, which isnt really their fault. It was just naivety. Put anyone in that situation and they would struggle to know how to react to someone different to themselves that theyve never seen before. I know I keep saying it, but you really are such an angel youre just morally in the top percent of humans Ive ever met! Still a touch behind Floyd, but youre gaining. Ruby sniffed shyly. Youre right as well in what you say people tend to get very selfrighteous when talking on the subject of racism. All of us are probably a little racist deep down, in that were all wary of people different to ourselves. That manifests itself with certain thoughts, you obviously dont verbalise these thoughts but you cant stop them. The only way theyll potentially stop is hundreds of years down the line when maybe people wont know anything other than a multicultural integrated society. Racism, positive discrimination, negative discrimination, filling quotas, things like that which are always raised, we all need to be a little more laid-back and understand that some of these things just evolve and thats how it is. said Frank. Id also say that people on the whole are nicer in Hereford than in London. Theyre so much friendlier, theyll stop to talk or smile at you when you pass them in the street. My brother once got really badly beaten up in Hereford but at least its just fists, not knives. Oh cowards with knives muttered Frank, his distracted headshaking allowing Ruby to show her soapbox to be the equal of his. To sum it up, I saw this old woman on the tube the other day get barged past and knocked down by some guy in a suit. He didnt know hed done it, but still. And not one person stopped to help her, they saw it and actively decided that getting on that tube was more important than helping this lady. Its disgusting, maybe it happens elsewhere but it would never happen in Hereford and Ive only ever seen it in London. I know, I know you wouldnt see behaviour like that in Abingdon either. I think its just career- and money-obsessed people that cultivate that attitude.
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You really give me too much credit as well Frank, I wasnt alone at all, Ive got the girls were a really strong group of friends. Were dotted all over the place now but still keep in touch and we meet up all the time. Lets change the subject. So and God this is awful that I dont know these things, but I should know and want to know more about you what did you do for a living in Hereford? When did you move to London? Why did you move? What do you do there? How long have you been with your boyfriend? And then just finish off with your bra, waist and leg-size Frank! What? Theyre just my standard get-to-know-you questions. I bet they are. In response to some of your questions I worked all over in Hereford, for an agency, at the local chicken factory actually for a while which was, an experience. Then I got a job when I was about 28 with the local paper. Ive always wanted to be a journalist and Id just moved to London about a year ago and broken into it when I got sent here. God, ideal said Frank, shaking his head. What paper were you with? What dyou even reckon they told them you know, told everyones employers, as to where their employees have gone? Its not healthy, thinking about how theyve done all this, its so barbaric it makes me sick. I dont like thinking about it either Frank, they must have further plans for us when we get back. Have you spoken to them about that? Have they mentioned anything? Frank burst into a long-winded dissection of everything hed managed to glean since first hearing about the project, the conclusion of which was that they knew nothing. Frank decided to probe further about Rubys boyfriend, the question asked at high tempo to try and mask its importance to him. I dont really want to talk about him Frank, we didnt leave on the best of terms and to be honest being away from him has made me more confused because Im not really missing him. Im even relieved to be away from him sometimes. Why, he wasnt abusive to you or anything? Where was he from?
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No, course he wasnt. I really dont want to talk about it especially to you, not because I just dont want to confuse things further. Satisfied that the response ensured he was at least a consideration on her romantic horizon, Frank happily and smoothly closed out their conversation with playful, flirty and punchy panache. Before he knew it Franks upbeat demeanour had seen him airily float to what was deemed the next group meeting. He was far more organised in the hours leading up to this one, traipsing around Clashton himself reminding everyone of the evening agenda and reminding them all of the homework hed set the week before. As was becoming the norm, he left Eddie at home with Floyd, subconsciously hoping that giving Eddie time to think rather than do might give him time to mull over Franks words from a few days previous. As the meeting commenced later that evening, Frank and Ruby noted with conceited joy the far bigger turnout of residents than the week before. Confidence assured, not just by the increase in disciples but off the back of a debut performance hed deemed mildly successful, Frank bellowed into his first address. Right all, so I gave you a bit of homework to do for this meeting, and if you were like me at school then I suspect that very few of you have actually done it. If thats the case, and I pick on you, I want you to try and come up with some ingenious excuses at the very least. Im going to have to ask a few of you individually about this because I want to help display how easy it is. To maybe help loosen things up a bit in here. Ooh as the actress said to the vicar, chortled Nigel. Anyhow Ive put some wine out on the back table there so anyone who fancies a glass, feel free. I just want to display to you all how easy it is, that all of you should embrace what youre good at and let it feed your ego, said Frank. My egos fine boy, no worries about that! said Louis, over a scrum of people dipping into the wine. Oh good, so weve got a volunteer to go first, come on then Louis, what is it exactly that youre so good at? What are your best
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qualities? Honesty? Or maybe that meticulously slick hair youre sporting today? quipped Frank. Clean hair Frankie, clean and well groomed. Youre right about honesty, and it can be a burden at times as I dont know when to leave it alone. Im a brilliant estate agent, simple as that. People appreciate honesty in my game as its such a rarity. I got customers who have bought their last ten houses through me purely because I let them know when somethings overpriced and a piece of crap. I might test your skills one day see if you could sell one of these rubbish apartments that were living in here! Even youd have your work cut out. Anyway, lets get this ego-building session into full swing. I was thinking the other day that, essentially, your ego is your character, and so in strengthening your ego you strengthen your character. Honesty, Louis, is actually one of the key factors in doing this. As are things like courage, acceptance, disciplines a good one developing an ego that identifies with good habits like regular exercise and productivity. Thats another thing Im looking to get going here, actually some kind of exercise, itd be so good for us all, we can return to Earth toned athletes. Frank was forced to ignore many a groan as he continued. Julian, would you be happy giving me a hand with that? You could give some boxing lessons, you could give me boxing lessons, actually Id love that. Where are you, big man? he said, instantly regretting his over-friendly handle amidst various cat-calls. Im here Frank, Id love that, said Julian. Cool, I see youre all tucking into the wine, get stuck into it plenty more where that came from. Not too much though, said Ruby, tugging on Franks shirt. Its fine Rubes, I wont let them go overboard, whispered Frank before upping the volume again. Also, I dont want anyone making the mistake of thinking that having a strong ego means placing yourself above others, Im just on about taking full ownership of your character and developing it in a positive manner. Anyway, now youre getting stuck into the wine, Im going to start picking on a few of you. Now, I hate this method of discussion so if you dont want to speak, say so when I ask you and its perfectly fine. And also, please remember
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that words dont hurt you, there might be some straight talking, and hearing positive things about yourself might be as painful or more painful than hearing negative things to a lot of you as youre not used to it. Vince youre first, Vince the Vegetarian Gangster, is that a fair description of you? Frank had consciously decided to open up their monikers to a wider audience in the hope of encouraging an honest, open, and hopefully humorous forum. He started by deliberately targeting those with less offensive traits. As he was, and as copious amounts of wine were being glugged, Ruby was firing suspicious glances towards him like a woman alone in a taxi with two drunken footballers. Vince was less bothered by the questioning it seemed and launched straight into a formal introduction. Pleasure. As some of you might know Im Vince, and I guess Ive been termed a vegetarian gangster cause I mixed in those circles when I were younger. I were never too bad though, and I cant stand meat, hate the bloomin stuff. I just wanna attack flesh whenever I clock it, human or otherwise sometimes. You know what Ive noticed sometimes, Vince dude, that vegetarians are hypocrites man, bellowed Hubert from the other side of the room. Not me kid, Ill ave any flesh. Im not a veggie for moral reasons, its just cause I detest meat. So you know Im all about supplying a demand, whatever it is, said Vince. What dyou mean Hubert? Hypocrites why? asked Frank. Were told to boycott tuna fish as dolphins are getting stuck in the nets, but what about the tuna fish themselves? Theyd give their right fin to ensure such a fate, man, said Hubert. Frank grinned and took a sip of his wine, happy to observe the reactions Huberts comment provoked. Anyway Vince, back to the question at hand, you look like a man positively frothing with educational intent, so I imagine youve your homework to hand. Why do you feel good about yourself? What skills do you have that set you aside from most? I imagine you must be a good hunter?
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I can supply a demand better than most, Frank simple as that. And I can slay flesh real proper. That leads onto plans Ive got for us to explore this planet a bit more, utilising your skills to see how you can help with that. I know were forbidden to go outside our designated town, but its not as if were under surveillance is it? I might utilise you to hunt for us, no human flesh though just animal flesh. No problem, said Vince, barely audible over the howls of derision from now thoroughly riled vegetarians. Im not getting into the vegetarian debate now. My opinions on that, strong as they might be, can wait for another day, said Frank. But lets continue with this theme, Tarqney how about you? Whats so good about you? One would have to consider it to be my massive penis, said Tarqney with great confidence. Ooooh, really Tarqs! Gracies gonna rip yer kecks down when were finished ere and well see for ourselves! said Sonia. No, no, none of that. Tarqney thats not really a skill it was something you were born with. I was thinking more something youre good at or some ability you have which could help us, said Frank. Again, one must refer you to my magnificent penis. Its a skill Ive developed and it could help a lot of women, replied Tarqney, complete with scattergun wink. How about your voice? Youre incredibly well-spoken, you speak almost regally. Maybe you could give a few elocution lessons to some people here? said Frank. No way! I hate my voice, would prefer someone to teach me an accent instead. Anyway, what benefit would that give anyone? I know where youre coming from, I cant stand my voice either and perhaps youre right. You were certainly 100% right about it not being a great benefit, Frank claimed with approval. We dont know about his chopper yet, Sonia cackled. Jeremy, how about you? What is it exactly that you think is good about yourself? asked Ruby. Yes Jeremy, lets focus on your good qualities, added Frank.
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There was silence from the rest of the room except for the glugging of wine as they seemed to appreciate the poignancy of the questioning. Ive got nothing to say. This is stupid, who cares about our good stuff? Were going home in not so long anyway, mumbled Jeremy. Oh come on Jeremy, whats good about yourself? If you develop that ego of yours then maybe you wont be quite so quick to try and deflate the egos of others. Ill have to embarrass you and point out all your good points if you dont offer any yourself, said Frank, purposefully at his patronising best. I aint listening anyhow, came the reply. But how can you not listen with those ears? Thats the first thing Id say, you have better ears than most people Ive seen physically. They look like little golden, perfectly formed, upsidedown foetuses, said Frank, to a backdrop of snivelling laughter. I also think youre actually a very sweet man almost by definition one of the sweetest men in here. A very well-known quote is that hatred is the cowards revenge for being intimidated and its true. So the fact that you are obviously so often intimidated marks you down as a very shy, sweet man in my book, so maybe we can see that side of yourself more often. What you good at anyway? said Jeremy stroppily. Ha! A good question. In an actual useful way Im probably good for nothing, I guarantee almost every one of you is better than me in that sense, in that you could put your skills to better use. Im good at mental arithmetic, which is good for nothing really. Im alright at football naturally good at a lot of sports, actually, but I dont play any of them any more. Am I good at my job? Probably not, I dont even know how you define a good politician. Anyway, its honesty that I want to encourage and I can tell you what Im not good at but wish I was and thats anything practical. If something goes wrong with something Im probably not your man. Grace and Sonia, just watch how dodgy I am trying to sort your toilet out, Ill be awful. On that note, if anyone can help with that then please come and see me! Another thing I wanted to discuss is the fact that youve obviously all been stereotyped in being sent here. Its disgusting what theyve done, how theyve given you these
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names, but we here cant slip into that trap of stereotyping each other. I dont think its bad if everyones aware of each others little moniker, nickname, whatever, we have to try and find humour in it I guess. But I dont want any of you here actually taking any notice of them or falling into their trap and being racist or stereotyping anyone here. Tell dat to Ubert Frank mon, he still hasnt got the message, roared Dexter. Thats not right Frank, its only because he keeps winding me up and challenging me to games all the time, I just snap sometimes dude, said Hubert. You know what Im gonna do Ubert, I wuz speakin to Charles the uva day and e was on about cloning. Thats wot Im gonna do mon, Im gonna clone myself and send my clone to chase you around all day long, constantly on your case, said Dexter, complete with a visual impression. Frank was struggling to stifle a grin, heartened that Dexter and Huberts banter seemed more humorous rather than hate-fuelled. Anyway, on the same subject if you do feel the need to be racist or stereotype someone then at least try and do it in a positive way. That can be your homework for this week, actually, said Frank, again to groans from the masses. No, itll be fun lets think of positive stereotypes for each other, lets turn racism and stereotypes on their head and laugh at it. Lets see if you can do it for the person next to you. Virtually all the stereotypes you can think of are negative ones, so lets turn that around and look at some positive stereotypes about people. You know, like, gay people what dancers! Or, posh people: what fantastic skin! I concur, said Tarqney. Anyway another point I wanted to make is that maybe Ive been a bit pushy trying to get you here these first couple of meetings, please note that your attendance at these meetings is entirely voluntary. There are obviously a few people who havent turned up to either meeting and thats no problem all, though theyre missing out on my homework and numerous entertainment ideas Ive got for the next few weeks, said Frank. He didnt draw breath for fear of being quizzed on his yet-to-be formulated entertainment ideas.
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At that moment Frank looked up and noticed someone leaving, his fading eyesight not identifying who. He also saw the outline of someone nodding their head with such ferocity he assumed they were maybe listening to headphones. That they might be nodding their head in approval didnt cross his mind since he had rarely before been afforded the gratification of seeing members of the audience concur with him so visibly during one of his lectures. Either way, it encouraged him to saunter snugly back onto his soapbox. Also this isnt exactly a ground-breaking view but you cant get away from the fact that education is entirely the key and the government should be making this their overwhelming priority. Every government throws money at it but they educate kids and people in the wrong areas. So many issues would be solved if we educate more educate the population of the world then give that population freedom. If theyre educated they are far less likely to then abuse that freedom. But theyll never do it because they fundamentally dont want it the politicians and businessmen that run everything dont want it. Its fascism really, simple as that. Corporations basically forming the government. Its because of control, Frank, as well, man. The way they control the media, things like that, said Hubert with nonchalant belief. Exactly Hubert, unbelievably good point. You could also say that politicians and businessmen control everything we hear and learn to an extent, through the media and other avenues. Their worst nightmare would be a population capable of critical thought. They dont want well-educated people to figure out how badly theyre being treated by the system. They actually take your retirement money off you and give it to their criminal banker friends to play with. We cant change it but we can be aware of it and try and put pressure on, and also look to change the plight of those even worse off than ourselves. If, in say fifty years time, 80% of the worlds population are more educated and aware than they are now, then the world would be a much better place, said Frank, now discarding his pre-planned speech and letting his mind run free to frolic with random statistics.
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Why didnt you get into power a more powerful position, in government Frank? Because of these views? said Angus, his question having an air of the loyal stooge. I know a lot of people there who agreed with my views, if pushed, as I did constantly. Its just they obviously publicly wouldnt ever dare try and facilitate such major change. A couple of the leading lights in British politics actually carefully considered some of the change I advocated but I think they thought that, if they pushed me into a more powerful position, Id be too headstrong and push for this change way too quickly. Its a shame because I obviously understood that you wouldnt be able to do that and that youd have to do things like that gradually. It winds me up that, whilst all these MPs are wrapped up in childish debates about Schools and the Health Service, they were missing the opportunity to change society and modernise it to advocate real change. I think that the changes I propose will happen, but probably in five hundred years time. Im saying bring that forward, then well be better equipped to face challenges that might come from other natural issues. Moving forward if we took religion out of the equation we could all start looking at all different races on earth as neighbours, something we might be glad of now were moving onto other planets and potentially encouraging the prospect of contact with more planets. As this happens during the course of centuries and millennia to come, well start to see everyone on Earth as a neighbour whatever country theyre from why delay this process? God, I bet you loved that didnt you Hubert, everyone as our neighbour? Hey Frank, shall we wrap things up? That wine of yours seems to be taking effect on certain people, nodded Ruby, pointing her head in the direction of a snoring Charles. Ha! Thats the response my speeches usually get. Well meet again soon. Ill remember to introduce the newcomers then as well though dont be shy about making them feel involved and chatting to them when you see them when theyre awake obviously. Before ushering everyone towards the exits, Frank reminded them of the homework hed set and invited anyone to come to him with ideas as to how they could make life in Clashton more entertaining.
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As he then directed some of the residents to awaken and look after Charles as they passed him, Ruby started to engage him in conversation. They soon resembled a pair of newsreaders making awkward chat post-broadcast. Frank, I didnt mean to cut you off like that actually I did, but it was only because what you were saying started to go over my head, and if its going over my head then its probably also going over the head of a lot of people here. No, its fine honestly. You should always pick me up on things like that, I was starting to ramble I know. Howd you think it went? Im not sure anyone got a chance to get a word in edgeways. No, its good Frank! I think they listened to what you had to say, which is all you can really ask for at this stage, isnt it? I think the entertainments the one to really push as well, I think itll be so productive with them, help bring them together a bit. Sorry about the wine stunt, I just thought they might see it as a bit of a release, that I trust them and stuff. Tastes vile mind, doesnt it! Im surprised they didnt instantly revolt. Weve got loads of it as well. I didnt sample it tonight, good to know youve got plenty though, maybe we could share a bottle one night. Ill keep some by. Actually, I had a bottle with Eddie the other night, oddly he can drink that without any hint of addiction. Ill get him amongst it as well. A buzzing Frank had genuinely seemed to have failed to pick up on Rubys overtures, or if he had was running scared. His awkward performance in leaving the situation indicated the latter, Ruby slightly perturbed that he chose the edgier company of Eddie and Floyd as she made her way back to her apartment alone.

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EXPEDITION TREPIDATION
The next few days flew by and the group meetings, now the focus of most of Franks energy, seemed to be upon him quicker than a restless Floyd. Franks mind was buzzing as his alarm went off that day. He suspected it was Saturday, though couldnt help but speculate that it probably wasnt a calendar not an item deemed luxury enough for the suitcase. All Frank knew for sure was that it was the day of the next group meeting. He was approaching each one with more enthusiasm than the last. Frank had noticed nods rather than avoiding cowers when taking Floyd and Eddie for a walk. His preparations for each meeting were starting to become as meticulous as his daily grooming routine identifying subjects for discussion, scripting some of his best gags, and then deviating about as far as possible from this script when cajoled into an argument or passionate discussion. Indeed, the only thing bothering Frank, as he thickly layered butter onto the bread that hed recently asserted tasted like drywall, was the current state of Eddie. Hed been a lot worse over the last week and, whilst Eddies staccato sleeping pattern saw to it that he was in his deepest sleep most mornings, Frank decided a chat with Floyd in the back room was in order. What we gonna do with him, eh boy? said Frank, while ruffling Floyds head. Im out of ideas, come on lets think. Maybe exercise, do you think thatll help? Take his mind off things. He said he liked boxing, didnt
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he the other day. Maybe we can get Julian over and do a few little sparring sessions or something. Do you think I could take big Julian in a boxing match, boy? I reckon I could, Id be too quick for him. I bet I could get in a few punches then run, a few more punches then run, said Frank, now fake-sparring with the side of Floyds head and not registering so much as a tickle. I tell you whod know what to do, Ruby. Shes an angel isnt she boy, what dyou reckon? Shall we go over and see her? Come on, lets go. As he made his way into the morbidly sterile atmosphere of Clashton, running through the previous evenings farewells in his mind, the significance of Rubys words slowly dawned on Frank. Maybe we could share a bottle one night? was the thought Frank verbalised, Floyd making it clear he preferred Franks physical banter to his idle chit-chat by striding off towards one of the few lamp posts. Franks mind was now back in its familiar place, lodged between an ego convinced that the offer was as close to a come-on as hed get from Ruby and the pessimistic non-believer past of his personality that convinced him shed have invited half of Clashton along had the suggestion been turned into something more formal. As he greeted Ruby, it quickly became obvious which side had won the battle. Hey, sorry Rubes I know its early, can I come in for a bit? Just need a chat about something. Hey, sure, said Ruby, her lack of enthusiasm further fuelling Franks presumption. First of all, Im sorry Ill hook us up with some of that wine you were on about last night soon, maybe one evening this week you could pop over? said Frank. Fine, its not as if Im ever busy or anything. Ill invite some of the others as well, make a night of it. Actually, can we catch up later? I was about to go out on a run. Her alternating expressions, tone, and lack of running outfit had now completely baffled Frank. As always, he wasnt prepared to leave the situation so precariously undefined so he ploughed on regardless. It was Eddie really I wanted to speak to you about. Hes not been good at all this last week, his addiction to the cat food seems kind of
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under control but hes developed these OCD-like symptoms and they seem to have got a lot worse. Like how? Like it takes him ages to leave the apartment hes checking everything, standing on the spot, sometimes almost hopping out of the door. Ive talked to him about it a bit but Im not sure what else to do. Ive always had a bit of an obsessive side to my personality myself so Ive tried to tell him that when mine gets a little out of hand I try and force myself to do the absolute opposite to what the obsession is telling me to do, but It sounds as though its probably something you cant fix Frank. I think all you can do really is support him and maybe try and be there for him as much as you can. His problems probably need professional help, and he would probably benefit from some medication. Can you request that? I probably dont need to, Dr Scope has all that at his disposal I think, so I could try and arrange for Eddie to go and see him. I did broach it with Eddie a bit and he was having absolutely none of it but Ill see what I can do. Ive felt a bit guilty all week really, because Ive been on such a high for some reason then I thought, how can I possibly be feeling like that when someone who I should have been there for has only very recently died? Jayson? Thats ridiculous Frank, you cant be thinking like that, weve been over this. Anyway, can we talk about this later, after the meeting perhaps? I really should get out on my run. I know, I understand, but theres one more thing. With Eddie I thought that exercise might help him out. Im going to meet Julian a bit later and try and get him to set up some kind of boxing classes, or get that ring of his set up so people can exercise and spar in there. I think if we can get Eddie exercising and his mind into that itll really help. What do you think? Im not sure boxings the best form of exercise, for Eddie or anyone. Anyway, Frank sorry, but No, no, thats quite alright, were off! assured Frank. Rubys disdain for Franks high-maintenance demeanour saw him sulk off through the door like a vain teenager off to a party with acne.
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He was in a childishly combative mood, and saw Rubys diss towards his favourite sport as enthusiastic fuel to go and see Julian. The mild-mannered Julian was initially taken aback by Franks hyperactive drive, and then by Franks facetious response when Julian asserted that hed take his ring round to Franks later that afternoon. As he arrived at Franks later that day there was a considerable commotion. Hey Frank, can you give us a hand? Julian called between heavy breaths. Even a man of his stature was clearly struggling to transport a full sized boxing ring all by himself. Frank was clearly upset that Jeremy was not helping at all. Jeremy, could you not have given him a hand? said Frank. Leave him Frank, he doesnt feel so good its not heavy this thing, just awkward. Lets just carry it round the back for now, said Julian. Frank did as he was told, but not without casting several disparaging glances in Jeremys direction especially as his fragile back was starting to ache. Frank excitedly ignored such pain and, with both men setting about constructing the ring, it was finished within a few minutes. Shall we give it a quick test run? said Frank, tossing a pair of boxing gloves in Julians direction. What are you, southpaw? Im orthodox, but with the ability to quickly switch styles. Ha, I am a southpaw Frank, no contact though. And remember, keep that guard up, said Julian. With that commenced ten minutes of gentle air sparring, and as they ended the session both men were positively beaming at their new roles Julian as the tender trainer and Frank as enthusiastic pupil. Realising that his stint as budding trainee had set him way behind time in his preparations for that nights meeting, Frank wolfed down some food, finishing before Eddie was even a quarter of the way through his. God, Ive got to be there in fifteen minutes and look at this hair it just wont go! Oh fuck it! spat Frank, stirring himself into an unnecessary strop. The childish outburst lasted a further five minutes as he tried to mould his hair into a style fit for Ruby.
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As he arrived late to the meeting, sweat from his sparring session still visible on his shirt, he haphazardly dived into a multitude of conversation topics, Ruby smirking next to him, eyeing his flustered demeanour. It wasnt long before Louis offered his outlook on the situation. God, look at you two all cosy up there if youre going to come to these meetings you want to be a bit less obvious about what youve been up to, look at Frank everyone, all drenched in sweat! The effect of Louis barb was threefold. The audience cackled their approval, giving Louis his biggest public laugh and subsequent shoulder roll for some time. Frank was waffling through an explanation of his innocently sweaty state, while a red-faced Ruby was trying to slowly morph her body into itself. Louis offered up an instant change of subject when he saw the excruciation his comment had caused. Anyway Frank, is this food situation getting sorted anytime soon? My guts have been killing me all week, I think theyve finally had their fill of this horrible paste stuff, said Louis. I know, I know, its rancid. I cant get much contact out of them at the moment, but Ive been told that when they next visit well be getting some better food. I was thinking anyway, I know were not meant to go outside of our boundaries here but whats there to lose? I say we should go exploring. He concluded from the silence that there were no budding Phileas Foggs in the room, so reluctantly Frank tried his salesmans pitch. Surely it beats sitting around here all day long all I need is three or four volunteers for the first expedition. You dont have to go far, only as far as youre comfortable. As yet we dont know what else there might be on this planet. The first of explorers might find a tree with giant steaks hanging from it or something. Ill go! shouted Swanley, thrusting his hand in the air. Me an all Frank! said Vince. Great, therell be plenty left for us lot then, wont there. If Vince doesnt bludgeon it all to extinction, then Swanleys mouth will be waiting like a human dustbin, cracked Louis. Anyhow to that end, Charles would like to volunteer? Charles? Charles! bellowed Frank, trying to awaken a booze-snoozy Charles.
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What whats that? came the reply. Ill talk to you about it after, I just want you to go on a bit of an exploration mission around the planet a bit, not far, just see if you can offer your expert scientific opinion on the ground or anything you might find. If you could please be sober for the duration that would also be a help. Wheres he getting all his drink from? whispered Ruby in Franks ear. Ooh here we are, shes back in the game! Little bit flustered for a while were you there, Rubes? said Louis. Louis, just f shouted Frank, his look more than finishing off his aborted sentence. I was only joking, Rubes, you know that. Sorry love, said Louis. I know, I know, its fine, said Ruby, ushering Frank to continue. Right then, how about a woman to go with them? Wouldnt want to be accused of being sexist. Any women here fancy a bit of an adventure? Ill go said Ruby quick as a flash. No, no, someone else. Ugh, Kadeisha, dyou fancy it? Ill go on the next one myself but I need to formulate more of a plan here in the meantime Its hardly the most attractive offer Frank, sorry guys, said Kadeisha. Ill do it if someone can push me? squeaked a voice from the back of the room. Ill push ya treacle, not a problem! said Vince. Geez, you might have your hands full pushing Swanley and Charles around as well theyre hardly the most dynamic are they? Especially if theres food and drink to be found, said Louis, before bursting into what seemed to be a rehearsed set of jibes. Frank was glad he didnt have a chance to interject, struggling to come to terms with the fact that his team for the trek now potentially consisted of a knackered Swanley and a drunken Charles, with a hunting Vince pushing Gaynor around just behind. Changing the subject completely onto homework, lets find some positive things to say about each other.
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Frank, I must say that I was sat next to Larry and having spoken to him I cant really find anything positive to say about what he is or what hes done, said Nigel. The pomposity of Nigels response irked most of the room, and Frank was happy to help shore up Larrys defence. Thats ridiculous Nigel, Ive spoken to Larry as well, in depth sorry everyone, Ill do the formal introductions in a minute and the way hes operated in his life is actually with the right intentions. Maybe he didnt always go about it the right way but, for the purposes of this you could certainly say God, those vigilantes what loyal people! A loyal criminal more like. In the eyes of the Lord a criminals a criminal Frank, hes committed heinous crimes, even if he hasnt carried them all out himself, said Nigel. Whats he done man? asked Eddie. Frank was surprised that it was Eddie who asked the question, but was happy to go into detail once he had secured Larrys approval confident that the rather fruity mob before him would side with his opinion rather than Nigels. Entwined in his two-minute blast was another dig at the Church in highlighting the hypocrisy of such attitudes towards criminals. He then got the introductions out of the way, both rather skirted over for fear of their embarrassing afflictions, goading a now restless crowd into derisory action. Throughout his rather aggressive diatribe Frank was itching to get onto the true crux of his annoyance Nigels assertion that a criminal is a criminal. The time had come. Also back to what you said Nigel a criminals a criminal. Its a nice soundbyte but clearly not true is it? Often the men that have committed the most atrocities across the ages are not the sort of criminals whove spent most of their life in prison but the sort to whom equestrian statues are put up in their honour in town centres across the country back home on Earth. We should question how we see criminals. Bankers and politicians over the years have committed heinous crimes that theyve never been brought to justice for. Ive also associated with criminals at certain points in my life. Pimps, eh Frank? shouted Louis.
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Ha! No, not quite Louis, but I have associated with certain shady characters and I cant say that Ive ever found anything particularly dislikeable about them, to the extent that I wouldnt even term a lot of petty criminals as criminals, certainly not career criminals. At this moment Frank spotted Ken slip out of the back door to a considerable reaction at the back of the room, which in turn prompted a guilty response from Frank. In the back of Franks mind was the fact that he had forgotten to visit Duncan a few days previously. That reminds me Im aware that Ken is still being attacked and bullied by a certain number of you lot. Theres no way Im going to stand for that. God, I imagine a large number of you in here have been bullied at some point in your life, so just think back to how that felt and please reign it in. To me, people who interfere with children are just heinous, the worst criminals. I get where youre coming from, some of those people are evil beyond comprehension, but you need to understand Ken has never done that. This avatar stuff, its not real, again hes just an example of someone whos been brainwashed. All the while Duncan had other priorities, mainly that of snitching. Frank Ive got a couple of things for you. Firstly, you know those contact film lenses things you dished out? Theres four or five sex movies on there. Bloody hell, Duncan, shut up! shouted Nigel, backed up by a plethora of charged voices. Im just saying I was watching something the other day called Raiders of the Lost Arse: In Diana Jones and the Temple of Poon, and Indiana Jones was not Harrison Ford, it was this woman who Okay, we get the picture! interrupted Frank, Ive got no issue with that none whatsoever. Sex isnt wrong, masturbation isnt wrong, everyones got their urges. Exploitations wrong, which is why Ive got a bit of an issue with prostitution and maybe some of these movies I guess, but here watching it on those lenses Ive absolutely no problem with that. Its no business of mine no business of anyones really what anyone does, reads, watches, thinks, takes whatever. As long as youre harming no one else in doing it. Its not just that Frank, Nigels been constantly on at Marcel and Gaynor telling them that if they believe then they will be healed
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before their time here is up. I just thought I should say cos I know you dont go in for stuff like that, said Duncan. Thanks Duncan. But in future, as I said, maybe in private you should air these things. None of them are here, Frank, I checked before saying anything. Im here Duncan! shouted Nigel. Yes, were here as well! said Gaynor. Sorry, I didnt see you all, mumbled Duncan. Oh right, okay. Ive been over my opinions on this. Im not ruling out that there may well be a higher force operating that we dont know about in the universe, but God, in the form we read about in the Bible, is clearly fictional. The Bibles simply a fiction novel with a huge ongoing marketing campaign. Noah and his zoo the size of a continent? Just question it. Stuff like faith healing, spiritual healing its all criminal activity, simple as that. Its deception and trickery from which they profit and its unbelievable that intelligent civilised beings in the 21st century give it credence. Nigel, I dont think its great if youre trying to brainwash Marcel and Gaynor. Why shouldnt he, Frank? Because were easy targets? I dont listen to a word he says said Marcel. No, I didnt mean that, no one should be trying to brainwash anyone said Frank. Of course youre not going to listen to him Marcel you dont listen to anyone. If you just opened your mind a bit then maybe youd get some belief and a bit of drive back, said Gaynor. Look, look, all I meant was that I dont think its overly healthy if you, Marcel, and you, Gaynor, think that youre going to receive some kind of miraculous divine intervention, sighed Frank. I entirely agree, said Marcel. Ill just never express my opinion then Frank, I thought you wanted the opposite of that, said Nigel. I do, but dont want you trying to influence others in a brainwashy sort of way Thats not my only issue anyway. I think we should be maintaining this climate here better than we are. Its brand new and we should try and keep it like that for generations to come.
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What! Are you serious? said Frank, Nigel seemingly hitting on every one of his current bugbears in turn. We dont even know what type of climate were dealing with here, were only here for three months, we shouldnt even be here anyway. And youre seriously suggesting that we form some kind of Save this Planet organisation? I encourage open debate but Im probably not the best person to be having this discussion with because I just dont get it. You know one of the reasons I never get on in mainstream politics? Because you dont kiss arse like the rest of them? said Louis. Ha! Thanks, lets hope thats why. No I just dont think I had the necessary patience or guile. Just before we came here I did a speech on climate change and upset a few characters, same old story. I was trying to get across that there are still many countries in the world where people are starving to death and yet for some reason all the developed world is concerned with is preserving the planet for something. You know what the best possible thing would be? If all the developed countries of the world came together, agreed to spend a minimal amount of money on defence, weapons and all things green, and put the spare hundreds of billions of pounds towards feeding and clothing those in need in the third world and redress the balance a bit. Larry, at least you dont look worried, is that a cigar youre chomping on? Im not worried Frank. I still cant come to terms wi the fact were here mind. Aye its a cigar, rolled on the thighs of a virgin no less. I smuggled a few in, like, so if anyone wants one just come and see me, offered Larry. I might take you up on that, said Frank, before a rather higher pitch interjection came from Sonia. Ay Frankie, I take yer point and agree wi yous but in de spirit of enjoyn ourselves, theres so little to do around ere, and yer omework is a bit geeky if yous dont mind me sayn. Geeky? Im appalled no, not appalled, Im hurt. That reminds me actually, Ill come over yours later and fix that toilet, do I need to bring anything? said Frank with trepidation. A JCB if you can, when Gracies floater reaches the ocean itll be a danger to shipping, chirped Louis.
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Actually, theres no need for yous to come over Frank as I dropped anchor in poo bay earlier this mornn and it seems to have freed up the blockage, said Sonia. Lovely. Saves me an emotional job anyhow. On the subject of there being nothing to do round here, lets make this week a bit of an activity week. Weve already got the fantastic four off out on an exploration, how about a bit of a knees-up here at the social club this week? Franks suggestion was greeted simultaneously by a roar of expletiveridden approval and a dig from Ruby. Am I allowed to come to this? Frank felt ignorance was temporarily the best policy. Ill crack open a load of wine and Ive got a stereo at mine Ill bring that along. So well do that social night in a couple of days time. That way itll be the night after tomorrows trek so as many people as possible can make it. Well have a meeting to have a summary of the trip and then afterwards well have a party. Ill even overlook the fact that in doing so Im breaking the first rule of party planning that when the average age of guests gets higher than the number of guests its likely to be a dud party. Entertainment wise if youve got any talents you obviously have then come and see me and we can maybe have another night showcasing them all. Oh and on the subject of boxing, Julians kindly offered to take a few sessions very good of him as he took a bit of a pounding off me the other day, didnt you Jules? Whatever you say, Frank. Youre not too bad for a posh guy, nodded Julian. Hey Frank, did you know Vinces birthday is sometime this week? Why dont we turn this party into a birthday party for him! said Ruby with forced geniality. Oh no, no, onestly its fine, I daant go in for all that. Bollocks Vince! shouted Frank. Thats perfect well crack into the wine for your birthday hey, why dont we have a theme as well for this party? My mate did a cracking one recently where everyone has to come dressed as the birthday boy. Lets do that, everyone get out your finest Italian suits and slick that hair back. Oh, I guess we cant actually, can we? What date is it Vince, your birthday?
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Oh I daant want this geeza, all I do is supply a demand. Its the 23rd of September, this Thursday I fink? said Vince. Then its sorted, and beware everyone, as I can party harder than most and watch out for my dance moves, theyre electric honestly! Yeah I bet theyd give anyone a shock, said Vince, still shaking his head. With Franks party gene fully activated, he decided to wrap things up. As he left, even the promise of a visit the next day from an aggravated Ruby didnt distract him from his jubilant conclusion that the circumstances dictated a boozy party to be a potentially positive situation for all involved.

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LOVE BE THY FAITH

Early the following morning Ruby rapped on Franks door. Frank was in an effervescent mood, so much so that he felt confident in taking on what he anticipated as being Rubys wrath without need for rehearsal. Hed just spoken to his daughters and was entirely satisfied as to their mood and welfare. Since turning forty Frank had limited his binges to being once every couple of months so he was looking forward to the party and having an enjoyable blowout. The vitality in his mind threatened to travel southwards as he opened the door to see a resplendent Ruby. In calf-high brown leather boots, black leggings, a tight pink coloured top and tight white denim jacket, to Frank she was literally the most stunning female hed ever seen in the flesh. That the look was completed by one of his favourite looks on a woman, a thin sparkling headband behind her ears, almost saw him self-combust. The misogynist in him suspected that maybe shed dressed like this so hed melt in the face of what he thought was to be a pre-meditated attack. The philogynist in him didnt care a jot and was positively mesmerised by her made-up look, staring deeply at her perfectly unblemished skin. Frank, will you stop staring at me like that its creepy! giggled Ruby. You look just unbelievable, honestly its Bai chi! Bai chi yourself! Honestly, look, even Floyds drooling, said Frank, turning round to see Floyd loyally validating his assumption.
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Wheres Eddie? said Ruby. Oh, hes off out. He said he fancied a walk or something can you believe it. He usually creeps around here like a sloth but he seems a bit better lately. I noticed that. He seems a lot more confident as well, speaking up in the meetings and things like that. Youve got to take some of the credit, I think youre doing great with him. His increasing confidence seems to be forming a dry wit as well, you noticed that hes actually quite good fun to be around. Im doing nothing though hes just getting better, probably as he gets used to being here or something. Anyway, come on in and sit down. Ive been wanting to compliment you for some time about that now, but every time I get the urge you do something to annoy me, she exclaimed. An attempted playful punch from Ruby at the same time as they both attempted to sit down led to an awkward intertwining of arms. You know what annoys me? Bai chi. What does it mean? asked Frank. Ha, it just means dont be silly, dont be an idiot. Honestly? God, Ive wasted brainspace on that? Whats your beef anyway, is it because I didnt want you going on that trip? Yeah, why cant I go? Its just one extra and dont you think they need someone to keep them in line? I dont want you going, simple as that, sorry. Why? Because you think itll be dangerous, yes? said Ruby, her leading questions now starting to hone in on their target. Its kind of going into the unknown a bit. I highly doubt its dangerous but its exploring a part of our planet which I assume hasnt been explored before, so I know this sounds awful but being entirely truthful if theres even the slightest chance that there might be a dangerous situation then I dont want you anywhere near it. And I know thats horrible, I know its unfair to the others, but thats just how I feel. Im being honest, and Ill be worrying every second if I know youre out there with them, so Its okay, I wont go. God, stop stressing, honestly its fine I understand.
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Do you consider us friends? said Frank, his voice and question content suggesting hed temporarily regressed thirty years. Yes, of course were friends! If you think were bedding into friends territory, then please say and Ill back off for a bit and well have less contact. I wouldnt want to ruin stuff happening maybe Dont be ridiculous, its all okay, its all fine. Stop over-thinking everything, stop worrying, its all fine lets just see. On another note, bet itll surprise you but Im pretty sure I agree with you about the religion thing. Ive always been taught to believe, but Rubes, I dont think its a bad thing having that belief. If youre happier having the belief then keep it, it must be a great strength I think. I wish I had faith sometimes, it must be so warming to believe that someones got your back constantly. Maybe Im too clinical about stuff. Youre a bit too black and white about things, as youve just proven. But I dont think youre without faith, youve got faith in human decency and charity, and you loved your wife right? Of course. Love is the most passionate faith you can ever feel if you can love, you have faith. Just as Frank was about to unleash a passionate complimentary response Floyd reared up at the door to acknowledge the latest knock. It was Phil, and Frank was instantly uncomfortable with his presence. Rubys enthusiastic greeting to a man as smooth-looking as he was talking enflamed many a negative emotion from a man currently looking at Ruby through hankering eyes. Hi Frank, can I come in a sec? said Phil. Sure can you be quick, though, were kind of in the middle of something. No were not, come on in Phil sit down. You want a cup of tea? said Ruby. I dont think weve got much left, said Frank so faintly that it was overridden by Phils booming acceptance to the offer.
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Frank, Ill only be two minutes, this trip I was wondering if I could go? Ive been speaking to Charles and hes pretty sure that therell be water on this planet somewhere and that its highly likely fish would prosper here. You happen to be looking at a keen and successful fisherman. I could sniff them out a mile away and bring them back for everyone, mix up our diet a bit. What you reckon? said Phil. Frank thatd be great! Imagine how a bit of fish would go down here now, said Ruby. Lets leave it for this trip. Well do another one soon and you can go exploring on that one, said Frank. Its honestly just because I dont want more than four going on this trek but if this one goes okay you can definitely be on the next one. And me? asked Ruby. I dont know it all depends how this one goes, honestly. I might go on the next one myself, actually. You cant do that Frank, they need you here, well bring you back some fish! said Ruby. I better be going anyway, nice seeing you two again let me know Frank when you want me to cast my pole and Ill happily oblige! said Phil with a lingering glance towards Ruby. Cool, see you soon, said Frank, wading into a jealous rant as soon as Phil closed the door. Thing is Rubes, and I dont care how irrational this is, but I still wouldnt be overly happy about a) you going on one of these treks at all, and b) you working closely with him, hed clearly try and get into you, Frank said. Get into me?! My God. How about, c) I dont fancy him in the slightest and d) You cant stop me going on that trek, I need a bit of a challenge and some excitement. Rubys sensational appearance and wild demeanour was too much for Frank to deal with and so he administered a tactical subject change. I was meaning to ask, actually do you fancy putting your wild eggs into sorting out this entertainment that everyone seems to be craving? Think about some regular entertainment to get people engaged here.
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Id love to! Youll have to get involved though as well, so people can see your human side a bit more. Well get you on the karaoke or something. Oh no, no no chance! Honestly, please. Dont worry Im joking. One other thing as well Frank, about the party Im not being like your mum or anything, but please dont go overboard on the drink, I Shit my mum! I was supposed to speak to her earlier when I spoke to the kids. Bollocks, Im not sure when Ill get to use that phone again. Oh, how were your kids? asked Ruby. They were good. So different. Jess is such a live wire, its like shes got attention deficit disorder or something; then Emily, my eldest, is the opposite really, so level-headed too much I think for a 22 yearold, Ive always been worried how far she is off being depressed. It kinds of runs in the family, further up the line. Im sure shes fine, youre too negative, she just sounds like a really nice mature girl from what youve told me before. Shes mature and as her father, what does that make me? No, I know, I know. What were you saying anyway before? You were about to lecture me, a lecturing Ruby who makes me lech, eh boy, said Frank to Ruby and Floyd in turn. God, thats good isnt it? Im on fire with my wordplay today. I wasnt going to lecture. I was just going to point out that Ive seen you sober and Ive seen you drunk and, believe me, youre almost two different people. Youre caring, thoughtful, funny, incredibly attractive when sober, and the opposite when drunk. Thats all Im saying, so think about that a bit. With that Ruby departed, leaving Frank to dwell on her most obvious flirtation yet. It worked as a perfectly timed angle of reassurance from Ruby, Frank still a little insecure from her and Phils interaction minutes earlier. Frank quickly had to divert his thoughts as he had the issue of the four people to organise onto their trek. The chance to occupy his mind rather than dwelling on Rubys overtures proved a good thing for him, and Ruby and Floyds ears.
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Hed risen early to acquire as much of the emergency provisions as possible from the purpose-built cupboard at the rear of his kitchen. In truth, he was slightly ashamed as the four adventurers arrived, Frank heartened by their two-by-two formation Vince arriving with Gaynor, and Swanley with Charles. First of all, I apologise in advance for what Ive been able to dig out for you. Ive got a couple of tents and plenty of bedding, but other than that Ive very few other provisions. Please, please remember that staying overnight anywhere is an absolute last resort. This ought to be a three- or four-hour round trip max. Getting lost I suppose is the major issue, isnt it? Lucky I brought this as my luxury item then, said Swanley, proudly twiddling a compass in his moist palm. Good work! Anything else you need? asked Frank. I tell you wot we could do wiv though Frankie, a gun. They must ave tooled you up a bit before comin up ere right? Onestly its just for our safety Frankie, we dont know what we might come across, said Vince. I havent got a gun Vince, honestly, and anyway Id like you to look after Gaynor as well, not that Im saying you need it Gaynor but you might need someone to push you at some point? gestured Frank. Too right Ill need someone to push me, its one of the perks of this setup always having a seat wherever I go! And yes please Vince if you could be my pusher, what with those big strong arms of yours said Gaynor, aiming a supportive wink in Franks direction. Thanks. Im almost certain youll have the most boring few hours of your life. I dont think theres anything up here other than this mundane terrain for miles. Im not sure there, Frank I sense other life could prosper up here, stated Charles. God, you seem brighter than ever! You been laying off the drink or something? replied Frank. I bloody ran out a couple of days ago! Ill be speaking to you about that by the way. Im helping you out maybe you could help me, what with that, limitless supplies of wine youve got.
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Ha! Just concentrate on what youve got to do here for now. Are you all about ready to head off then? It brought a simultaneous response and the cumulative racket awoke Floyd. Good. Now, please, please, please be careful. If you only want to have a look around for half an hour then come back just come back. If you only want to have you got a horn? Do you want a horn or something? I havent got one, actually you should have some kind of emergency sound. Relax, Frank, well all be fine! Come on, lets go everyone before he forces us to wear klaxons, giggled Gaynor. Though initially amused and somewhat heartened by Gaynors facetious nature, Frank spent the next half an hour worrying as to their welfare. Ruby was still playing on his mind. The previous night had injected Frank with a striding confidence to that end, and before long he strode off in the direction of her apartment, thinking of no better way to stem the anguish of the next few hours than some champion groundwork with Ruby. Hed tactically selected Floyd rather than Eddie as his companion and briefed him on the way over. His instructions were simple to take Tao out of the game. As Frank reached Rubys door he pulled back a touch, still unsure of what to him was a crucial opening gambit. At that point the sound of a mans voice coming from behind the door made him feel immediately down-hearted. The cumulative effect of his face, shoulders, heart, stomach and knees dropping meant this position was a good foot lower than it had been previously. Frank clearly recognised the voice as Phils and, as he tried to creep away back to his apartment for an unwise stew, both of the speculatory and culinary variety, however the scent of Tao in Floyds nostrils ensured their cover was blown. Frank? What are you doing lurking out here come in! said Ruby. Phils just come over to return my trainers. Franks heart was on the floor as he mustered a response. Ha! Very Cinderella. No, I lost them a couple of days ago when I was out running, I took them off because theyre new and were killing my feet. Then
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Tao broke off his lead and I went chasing after him and he bolted. I couldnt find them after. Phil found them up by his place, they were probably delivered there by Floyd actually, judging by reams of saliva on the back of them, said Ruby, talking at excess speed to try and reattach Franks soul as quickly as possible. Its alright, Im in no place to care am I, anyway? muttered Frank. Anyway, my jobs done so Ill be off let me know soon, about that trek? said Phil, not daring to make eye contact with an unreasonably suspicious Frank. Oh God, the trek! Have they gone then, they get off okay? said Ruby. Eh? They got off fine, said Frank, still clearly distant. Im a bit worried about them, hopefully theyll be back before long. I did try and kit them out with as much as I could but its so hard what with the lack of provisions for stuff like that. I guess thats why the government said to stay within the confines of Clashton, eh. Youve got to stop worrying so much, honestly Frank, its not good for you. I cant help it sweet, its in my genes straight from my mum I think. That reminds me actually, what about your dad? I was thinking the other day you havent mentioned him? Frank said completely out of the blue. And you dont believe in fate? Of all the days to ask. Ive just about worked out that its his anniversary today, he died what is it? Eight years ago now, Ruby said with little emotion. Oh shit, sorry God No, its fine I wouldnt exactly have been putting flowers on his grave. We didnt get on, he was a hard, hard man, but unlike most of his generation he didnt even seem to have a locatable heart. My mum hates talking about him as well, so I dont know what went on there. Im sorry nonetheless. Frank, from what youve told me your mum seems like him a bit. Strong, stronger than him from what you say, stronger than most people. Cold as well, said Ruby seriously. Shes not cold. Shes a caring woman, you should see all the stuff she does volunteering and for charities and the like.
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I dont so much mean cold in that sense cold as a mother. Didnt you once tell me that youve never hugged her? That youve never hugged anyone in your family? I wouldnt want to! I feel comfortable with it, you dont have to show that type of emotion always. Loads of people are like that, loads of families are like that. The only part of me that wishes I was a hugger is because I love Italian gangster films, hugging your friends and stuff. Anyhow, Im not overly comfortable speaking about my mum I put her through hell as a teenager; that shes still speaking to me is testament to her. Okay, well leave it but I think youve had a raw deal as well maybe not intentionally on her part, but youre scarred. God, Im fine, honestly. Journalist, eh? You shouldve been a therapist. You actually shouldve been look how good youve been with everyone here, look how much they respect and listen to you, look how you listen to me, and tolerate me when you shouldnt at times. When Im over-thinking things and generally being highmaintenance. I am sorry for all that, I just think its the uncertainty of everything here, I like things being defined, situations kind of shortand long-term, I think I struggle when theyre not. Bai chi. I think I genuinely wouldve loved to have been a therapist but its probably too late now. I had to look after my family and started on the journalism path so I would have something to see me through. Bollocks, someone told me once that getting into being a therapist is a lot easier if youre older. If you think about it, thats obvious you wouldnt want to go and discuss the things closest to you with some girl who spends most of the session thinking about how to get the perfect pre-holiday tan. Interesting that you chose a woman as your fantasy therapist there rather than a man Frank, see Im starting already. Im not sexist, said Frank with a chuckle. Weve had this discussion before and I won the argument hands down. I wasnt accusing you of being sexist the opposite almost, in fact, but never mind. Ruby and Frank had naturally become seated during their conversation and were now in such proximity that if eye contact was being made theyd almost be touching corneas.
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Frank, you know I still technically have a boyfriend, right? said Ruby. I know, said Frank regrettably. He was also left wondering how her question could possibly accompany her hand now moving onto his forearm. Id love nothing more, honestly, said Ruby. Its just Id need to end things with him and get my head straight first before anything could maybe Look, look, I know its cool, honestly. Well just keep things as they are. With that, Frank hastily remembered his very valid excuse of having to get home to meet the adventurers and promptly left, flustered to such an extent that he had to return a minute later to relieve Tao from Floyd. On the walk home, there was many a shoulder shrug and dirty look towards Floyd as Frank played out a scenario where Floyd was lecturing him for regressing into a nervous 13 year old. Floyd, in fact, had only one thing on his mind his long overdue morning feed.

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- EIGHTEEN -

NIGEL AND THE GIANT ORANGE

Meanwhile the trek was into its second hour and progress was excruciatingly slow. Vince refused to move for ten minutes after swearing, literally, that hed seen something move up ahead. Gaynor was having her indomitable patience sorely tested by Vinces antics, finding the terrain harder to manage with her wheels as they all realised that Clashton must have been steam-rollered before it became habitable. Charles was stroppily stomping his way through the same ground barely breaking his stride and grumbling about the lack of a stiff drink, often having to retrace his tracks to allow the others to catch up with him. The only one seemingly thriving was Swanley. This was his cup final, and while a moaning Charles was leading the way a consistently encouraging Swanley wasnt far behind. The four of them striding forth into the wilderness formed a humorous scene, the jocular atmosphere broken by Charles finding some enthusiastic drive up ahead. Hello? Jesus, check this out! said Charles, causing Swanley to instantaneously break out into stride and sweat. Woah! What is it? asked Swanley. What is it, what you found? said Vince. Vince, come back here! You cant just keep abandoning me! shrieked Gaynor. Sorry treacle, he said before dashing back and subjecting Gaynor almost to a wheelie.
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Im not sure, its clearly some kind of meat, said Charles. Oh, its facking disgustin it stinks! exclaimed Vince, clasping his fingers around his nose. I reckon this could be human, it doesnt instantly strike me as animal. Swanley, wheres that bag? Ill get my kit out and have a look at it when we get home see if I can dissect it and work out what it is. Lets have a look round this area, see if we can see any clues as to where it came from. Scan the ground, look for footprints, stuff like that. Im going to take some samples from the ground around here as well, it seems moist, said Charles. Ten minutes of floor scanning later, theyd found nothing more of note. Vince, still haunted by the smell of meat, was on tenterhooks, rotating his head and eyes like a lonely owl stranded among a pack of wolves. I think theres water round here somewhere you lot fancy just going away from camp about ten more minutes in that kind of direction? Then we can head back? suggested Charles. Hold on, you heard what Frank said: Im the leader, snapped Swanley. Thanks, Charles, for your thoughts and yes, I think we can stay out a bit longer and have a bit more of a root around. Dont worry everyone, Ive got our location covered this compass will see us home in half the time it took to get here. Three minutes later Charles instincts were proved correct when a splash of grey appeared on the horizon which slowly turned into a vast sprawling of grey. Fack, what a depressing little lake! was Vinces take on the murky water. God, you wont catch me bathing in that, added Gaynor. Why not? This may be purer than any lake youve come across, its interesting, look its almost colourless. Right people, lets get samples. Hardly interesting Charles, lets get these samples and get out of here. Im bored, and hungry, moaned Swanley. Youll find that interesting, surely? said Charles, pointing deep beyond the surface of the water. What? What am I looking at?
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Cant you see those fish down there? Theyre all running away from you they must sense youre hungry! Woah cool, lets get some! chirped Swanley. Wiv wot, you nonce? Come on, lets leave it for today. Im getting knackered, you wanna get some tractor tyres on ere for this ground, sweetheart, said Vince, slapping the frame of Gaynors wheelchair. Charles, Swanley can one of you take over pushing me for a bit? Ill get a second wind as we get back towards home, promised Gaynor. No, no, I wont ear of it Im fine, just moanin for moanins sake. I fink we should head home, though, before it gets dark, said Vince. Hes right Swanley, weve found some interesting stuff Ive got plenty of things to get my teeth into here, lets go back, added Charles. Swanley led the way, motivated and frustrated in equal measure by the fishy dinner which so nearly found itself heading straight for a mountain of rice at the bottom of his stomach. Charles wasnt far behind, contentedly assessing the suspiciously meaty discoveries from earlier. The only things that tended to get his cerebral juices flowing nowadays were a glass of wine or a scientific challenge, the latter here perfectly timed to offset the temporary loss of the former. The different route back was leading them through some slightly awkward terrain, a point which Vince articulated. Facking ell, whats wiv this ground? Its starting to resemble one of me vegetable patches. Its not plantlife as such but its definitely changing. Can we follow this route Swanley? Just for a bit, asked Charles. Yeah, were carrying on this way anyway, Swanley confirmed. I dont know how you lot can tell were even going a different route back, its all one big open space for me, said Gaynor. Believe me, if it was this rough pushing you on the way over, Id be holding that compass now and Swanleyd be working up a shapechanging sweat. You wouldnt abandon me, Vince! said Gaynor assuredly. Vince, Ive been lugging this backpack around here for the last three hours, you try doing the same.
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Five minutes and much verbal bickering later Charles suddenly barked at them from up ahead. Here you lot, stop your flirting, over here, look! What am I looking at? said Vince. Theyre plants, arent they? said Gaynor. Theyre clearly some form of fungi, does that look familiar to any of you? said Charles. Its a mushroom, I love mushrooms! Look how many of them there are as well. Swanley, do you like mushrooms? said Gaynor. Ya need to ask? said Vince. Theyre not my favourite, actually but oh God! theyd go nicely with that fish wouldnt they, said Swanley. Before you all get too excited Im pretty sure these are edible only if you want a trip with your fish. I think theyre psilocybin mushrooms, otherwise known as magic mushrooms. Really? Ive always wanted to try those they sound great fun. Maybe if I took some I could try and picture Marcel as someone athletic and wonderfully good-looking they make you hallucinate dont they? said Gaynor. I wouldnt mind trying them myself, actually a substitute until I get some more booze off Frank. Might make things a bit more exciting round here, said Charles. Im in as well, Ill eat anything veg-wise said Vince. Theyre not a vegetable, theyre a fungi. So, what are you all suggesting that we keep them to ourselves? Might make sense, said Swanley. I bet there are loads more around here somewhere, everything must be right for them to grow here. We probably should tell Frank, but let me take them back to the lab, test them out, be sure what they are, then maybe we can have a little party before revealing our find! said Charles. Nice one, and remember if we need to maybe use them as barterin tools, for your booze or something, then Im your geeza. I supply demands and I bet thesell be in top demand, said Vince. They all ignored the angle of Vinces endeavour. The rest of the group felt a little uneasy about going behind Franks back as it was, and certainly they werent seeking to embark on a drug deal.
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The atmosphere as they closed towards the boundary lines of Clashton was initially one of considered silence. Boosted by proximity and return to relative home comforts, the chat started to increase as they rather proudly discussed their discoveries. Charles, in particular, was glad that the haul had given him something to get his teeth into, and was waxing scientifically lyrical when he was rudely interrupted. Ey, aint that Nigel over there, whats e up to? asked Vince. God, it is isnt it? said Charles with a stoop and a squint. Shall we shout him over? Hold on whats he carrying? Hes got a rope, hasnt he? Shit, you dont think hes going to he wouldnt do himself in, would he? Whats in his other hand? Looks like a couple of oranges or something. Hes stopping by that post, what the is he taking his trousers down? Shit! Lets get out of here, Vince. Come on, push Gaynor! whispered Swanley. Oooh no, leave me here this looks as though its about to get interesting, said Gaynor with a giggle. Oh thats disgustin, whatever es doin, its right out in public! Oh come on, Vincey, cut him some slack not that he is with that rope! Its called asphyxia, I I daant wanna know, treacle. Jesus! That guys a vicar? Shall we intervene, or tell Frank, its dangerous, isnt it. Lets go past his now and well let him know about it all, said Charles. Two minutes of confused sexual chat later, they were at Franks. Relieved greetings out of the way they told Frank about the majority of their findings, with Frank regularly mopping at his brow like someone forty years his senior. After Charles assured him that hed take the meat and fish away to test them, Vince and Gaynor took up the baton and fielded Franks many questions for the next few minutes. Frank was noticeably heartened by his perception of a bond that seemed to have formed between them all on one level or another, and then noticeably bemused by Charles final tale. Frank one last thing, said Charles. God, how do I explain this? he said with a smirk. Its disgustin, thats how, said Vince.
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Weve just seen Nigel, by those posts that help delineate the boundaries of the town? Yeah, yeah? said Frank. He was sort of about to take his trousers down by one of those, and he had a rope and some oranges in his hand, and Gaynor actually said that its called Woah, we dont need to go into this with Gaynor here Vince, will you take her back home and Ill let the others fill me in? Frank, I was the one who worked out what he was up to its fine to talk about it with me here. I hate to level this at you, but you think I need to be shielded from stuff like this because Im in a wheelchair, said Gaynor. Give me some credit its absolutely nothing to do with you being in a wheelchair. God, course it isnt, I promise, Im not a knob with stuff like that. I assure you the only reason I said that was because Im a prude, Im old-fashioned and also probably a little sexist. Please fill me in if you want to, said Frank. Its called asphyxiation isnt it, you must have heard of it? said Gaynor. I have, all that business, said Frank, doing a charades-style graphic impression which prompted all round sniggering. Something like that. You use the rope and orange to kind of cut off the air supply which heightens the experience apparently, said Gaynor, still giggling. Does it, eh Vince? said Frank. Whatever, Im out of here, sickens me all that stuff. God, a bigger prude than me! So how dangerous actually is it? I just dont get it, theres just no need to be that kinky surely when does a simple, when does normal masturbation not do it for you? At what point do you feel the need to seek something more pleasurable than that? I just dont get it. Surely the ejaculation at the end of a normal masturbation thing is an indication that youre still enjoying it? asked Frank. Im not sure how dangerous it is, but you do read of people occasionally dying from it though, so you could maybe have a word with him? said Gaynor.
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Great, something to look forward to a chat with a vicar about his asphyxiation habit. There was a pleasant lull in the proceedings which Frank cut short to usher the others out of the door. Another visit to Ruby was required on the back of an afternoon engaging in his new favourite vice, that of self-assessing his behaviour. The systematic side of his mind was trying to assess why hed scarpered earlier. He deduced that, at the age of 46, his wife was just about the only woman hed kissed in the middle of the day whilst sober. Feeling pathetically immature and inadequate about that, he let his inner therapist take over. He concluded that anytime hed really liked and respected a woman in his life, and been proactive about taking the relationship further, hed been the victim of perceived rejection. Even his beloved wife had to come on to him in a manner that left him in no doubt that rejection wasnt a possibility. He didnt even want to open his mind as far as to let that be a potential outcome, so as soon as Ruby started hinting that way, hed fled. Embarrassed by his behaviour, he urged himself to grow up, grow some balls and act on his compulsion to go and see Ruby. In truth, the visit was somewhat of an anti-climax, but it was at least a comforting one lacking awkwardness on both sides. It involved a tired and preoccupied Ruby listening with one ear to Franks humorous narration of the Nigel incident. Simultaneously for Frank it served as a playful reprimand for concentrating on the humorous side of the story whilst skirting the need to speak to Nigel about it. Both left satisfied that they were back on track and were excited by the day ahead tomorrow. Rubys giggle at Franks departing gambit lead to Frank to attest to Floyd all the way home that his master had still got it.

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PAPA DOES PREACH

The next day Franks thoughts were predominantly angled towards the party that evening rather than the meeting that preceded it. That was until a visit from Duncan, who was proving to be as astutely suspicious as he was diminutive. He saw Charles, Swanley and Gaynor acting strangely as they made their way back from Franks the previous evening. Duncan had then followed Charles, who he judged to be the ringleader of the abnormal behaviour, back to his lair. Helped by a ledge which added an extra foot to his height, Duncan peered through the window. Charles unwittingly fell straight into the trap, immediately unravelling the mushrooms from their bag and inspecting every inch of them. To a man whod watched hundreds of hours of police dramas and drug raids on TV, their nature couldnt have been more obvious if Charles had pulled them out of a black top hat alongside a white rabbit. Like the faithful servant he yearned to be and, convinced this time he was going to get some reward for his endeavours, he veritably powerwalked over to Franks that morning. It was a humorous sight for the early rising residents, Louis in particular seizing on the opportunity to tease by humming the dwarf marching song from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs as he zipped past. Duncan, my main man! What can I do for you this fine morning? Well have to be quick as Im off down the club to sort out stuff for the party later. Hi Frank, did you speak to Swanley and Charles and that lot when they came back from the trek yesterday? What did they say they found?
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What did they say they found? A couple of these meaty-looking things, and they found a lake, with fish in it. So hopefully that could be on your plate sometime soon. Thats all they said theyd found? Yes, thats all I think, get to the point boy! Ive reason to believe that they found something else out on that trip. Ive reason to believe they found some drugs, Frank. Drugs? said Frank with a disbelieving grin. What type of drugs? Im serious Frank, they looked like mushrooms, maybe those magic mushrooms you could tell by the way they were acting, and when I looked in at Charles, he was definitely treating them like drugs. Hold on, you were spying on Charles? Ive told you before Duncan Im grateful for how youre trying to assist me here, but weve got to have honesty, and trust. I might speak to him about it but I dont see its a massive issue either way, really. What class A drugs isnt an issue? Keeping them hidden from you isnt an issue? Thats not exactly honest, is it? Ill have a word with them. I am a bit miffed that they kept it from me but there could be reasons for that. Well see, we dont even know for sure that they are what you think they are yet. They are, Frank, I guarantee. I can sense it, but as ever your call, said Duncan before trudging off dejectedly. Duncan! shouted Frank. Thanks, yeah? Good job, just you know. Franks brain was buzzing thanks to having numerous things to organise and comprehend, so rather than put it off, he instantly decided that hed raise it at the meeting later that day, wanting to keep things as open as possible. As happened when Franks mind was racing, time flew by and soon enough he found himself faced with broaching that subject. He arrived, with Floyd, about half an hour before everyone else. With the party in mind Frank was sporting what he considered to be his most flattering outfit; a half-buttoned shirt hinting at his toned physique. Floyd was less vain, going only as far as sporting a suspicious crumblike moustache around his flabby lip curtains.
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Frank was in party mood, sipping at his whisky whilst simultaneously and unhygienically setting out the food and mopping at Floyds mouth. He started to greet the guests as they poured in, feeling a bit like a proud father as, one by one, he witnessed the effort theyd happily made in tarting up their appearances. There were exceptions Phil the musclebound geek strolling in wearing only a vest and shorts to show off his assets. Then came Angus arrival which was the source of much hilarity. Frank and Louis in particular were jumping all over their friends exasperated appearance. Jesus, Angus! You grown since youve been here? said Frank. Louis jumped in as soon as the last syllable had left Franks mouth. My God, boy! Youve found a suit too small even for you look how tight those trousers are, I can see the veins in your balls! Listen to me, yoove got to sort out the washin situation Frankie, ye have to load that machine weve got with so much water to ensure it doesnae shrink your clothes, and well run out if we do that surely, said Angus. Sorry chief, I know, its farcical that washing machine. Ill have to ask the government about getting some more water. God, I dont know how youve even squeezed into that it looks as though its trying to force its way through your skin, said Frank with a chuckle. Suddenly the talking stopped. Ruby had made her entrance, and was respectfully turning heads. The mesmerising calf-high boots were this time accompanied by a short black skirt, the whole package somehow provocatively demure. Gee Frankie, check that out! What yood give to Alright, alright, no need to go there. Lets get this show on the road. Everyone, were starting! shouted Frank, getting away with an embarrassingly high-pitched end to his order. Come on, the sooner we go through these formalities, the sooner we can get some music on and have a few drinks. The trip to explore went well, and most importantly they all returned safely. First off, thanks to Swanley, Charles, Gaynor and Vince for volunteering to go. Did one of you guys want to give a quick appraisal of what you found?
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They mustered up an unenthusiastic response, Charles in particular focused only on thoughts of the flowing of el vino, so Frank gave a summary of the discoveries. He glanced down to his right palm to see the words meat, lake, and fish, before focusing on the word etched on his left palm, drugs. Did I get that right you lot what Ive said there are the only things you discovered whilst out on your trek? And please think carefully, Frank begged. Through the tone of his voice he was almost begging one of them to come clean about their other find, drugs or otherwise, so as not to put a slight dampener on the nights festivities. Charles, fuelled in equal measure by soberly sharp-minded intelligence and alcoholic impatience, picked up on Franks craving in an instant, beating Swanley to the punch. It saved them all an awkward session of verbal cat and mouse. We I actually found something else, yes Frank, said Charles authoritatively. It was fungi growing, not all that far from here. It was mushrooms basically, and I instantly suspected them to maybe be magic mushrooms. I thought it best that I test them back at the lab before coming to see you about it. Really? Ill just about take your word for it Charlie, thousands wouldnt. So then, what did the tests reveal? And have you tested the other stuff you found yet? Charles confirmed that the fungi found was indeed of the magic mushroom variety and that hed hand them over immediately, before waxing lyrical about the purity of the water they accessed. In the spirit of mutual sincerity, Frank asserted that he didnt mind them picking the mushrooms but to never hide anything from him again, stressing the importance of complete honesty in their time on Muta. He then indicated that he may even be open to utilising the find if they deemed it could have a positive effect, citing a recent study where participants who took magic mushrooms found it a spiritual and positive experience with prolonged increased well-being and satisfaction. The government have known about this for some time, declared Frank. For years even theyve known that some of these drugs
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have positive qualities and can lessen the symptoms of anxiety and depression. And yet no one has the balls to implement some kind of law change. If a drug has therapeutic qualities then it should be the duty of the government to regulate it and not to hide the fact that such drugs can be used in a beneficial manner. If you do want to try these mushrooms, then come and see me first and well talk it over. But, from what I understand and Ive only done them once as I didnt really get on with them you need to be in a fairly good secure place, both as in the environment and also emotionally in order to try and guarantee it to be a positive experience rather than a negative one. So please, please, come and see me if you want to try them, rather than picking them for yourself. Frank, in the spirit of being honest, I brought a load of grape cuttings with me here as well and, looking at the soil and climate here, I think theyll grow well. So, as well as adding grapes to our ever increasing menu, I could also start making some wine as I brought all the kit with me to do that as well. Well have to start being creative like that wont we, the way the prices keep going up, snapped Charles. Good work, Charlie boy! decreed Frank. So Frank, what are your views on drugs in general then? Do you think they should be legalised or what? The question came from Perry, a man who Frank knew more as the workaholic drug dealer, a man whod kept his head since theyd arrived, and a man who Frank had noted was one of the most polite in Clashton. It was a dangerously open question that invoked a weighty groan and left a restless crowd fearing an untimely Frank diatribe. Yes, I think without question, said Frank. Mainly because the drugs market is controlled by criminals whereas it should be controlled by doctors and pharmacists, thats just common sense. Also, any personal choice should be legal really, as long as it doesnt impinge upon the freedoms of someone elses personal choice its as simple as that. Most kids nowadays are going to try drugs at some point in their life, it really has got to that extent, so lets be open and honest about it, lets actually tell them that theres probably no harm in taking them as long as they do it in moderation. Again, get the theme? Legalise and educate. Lets be honest and say that having a joint every
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now and again is probably fine and doing no major damage to your health, both mental and physical. God, lets go further, actually lets tell them that some drugs might even broaden your mind a bit and give you some positive experiences. Tell people this, but then stress that itll only be a positive life experience if they do it in moderation and rarely. Make it clear that if you do it loads itll probably eat away at your self-respect and self-esteem over time and who would want that. Thats the key, the trick, is to do them in moderation then say to yourself Im going to stop now before it gets out of hand and either impacts negatively on you or those around you. Do that and I really think youre winning, youre getting the pleasure out of the drugs and not the pain. Youre playing the game of life perfectly. Id beat you Frank man, in this game of life, well play one day, said Dexter, situated in the front row, and mocking himself post comment. I dont doubt you would Dext, especially nowadays, mused Frank. You must have sampled a fair bit Frank man? Youve the air of a man whos smoked some serious ganja in his time! shouted Dexter over-enthusiastically. Er, no not really. They didnt really agree with me so I dont do the illegal drugs much. I tried them obviously, but didnt do it that often and only did it when I was younger. I kind of came to the conclusion that I didnt really like myself when I did them, it wrecked my head a bit and made me over-think. It does definitely seem to do that, opens some kind of creative door in your brain. Look at all the best music of the last hundred years or so, the majority of it was written by people who used drugs. You including me in that Frank? Check this out! yelled Dr Scope, jolting him from his trance-like state at the back of the room. Lets think. Someone work with me here, give me a beat. Someone give you a beat? Youre not in the studio now doc, the only beat or rhythm youll get round here is the rhythm that Tarqney produces after chef s served up one of those things that masquerades as a curry! said Louis. Ill go solo then, said Dr Scope, starting to create a breeze with some rhythmically forceful hand movements. Drugs become a
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situation when someone finds a new creation, Children die, the parents question, Governments seize on the tension. They storm off in the wrong direction, dont consider education, ban it changing legislation, rue that lack of imagination! You kept it clean, well done! said Nuala, as ever by his side. Youre not too bad, Scope, offered Louis. I would have to comment though that you do seem to have just the one rhyming method up your sleeve. Where are your couplets, where are your villanelles, your rondelets? he said in his best thespian voice. Alright, hows this? He goes by the name of Louis, he tells you everything truly, an estate agent without repent, is he a gent or just a de-lin-quent? The relative silence from his audience obviously wasnt the response Dr Scope so desired, so he decided to try his doctors snood instead of his rapping bandana. Put simply I agree with Frank, clearly they should be legalised. People keep creating legal drugs anyway in increasingly strong strains, so lets get on top of it and regulate it. I think legalising them would cut crime and cut addicts health problems simple as that. It would mean helping addicts rather than imprisoning them, which has to be preferable for many reasons. Clearly the approach in criminalising such drugs hasnt worked so lets try a different approach, he added. Exactly, said Frank. Drug use should be treated as a health issue rather than a criminal one. Addiction is an illness and a disease, be it sex addiction, drug addiction, alcohol addiction, legalising those doesnt fuel more addicts. Legalise, educate, regulate. If the whole war on drugs was about health, then alcohol and tobacco would be criminalised, its not about health. Its unscrupulous and this war on drugs is just a massive policy failure. The current system doesnt work and it has never worked. It just doesnt deter drug use and all these legal highs that keep coming onto the market arent going to go away. If all drugs were legal we could get a better grip on them. Criminalising them clearly doesnt help the social or health situations one bit. Simply put if you ban one substance, more dangerous alternatives then hit the streets. If you control the market you control the quality and distribution of such products, thats basic business.
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If it were down to me one thing I would do is to make a distinction and say thats its only personal drug use that should be decriminalised, said Doctor Scope. And thats coming from an expert. I wouldnt dispute that at all. I might also legalise some class A drugs where the positives maybe outweigh the negatives, it all needs an entirely different approach. Also, when I say drugs Im also referring to alcohol and tobacco. Ive got friends who say theyve never taken drugs, but when they tell me this its usually during some dinner party as they drink and smoke. Theyre possibly the worst drugs for your physical health and also the worst socially, and yet people are brainwashed and blindly follow the prescribed government path, that if its legal its okay and if its illegal it must be wrong. Just question it, question everything. Cannabis for example, if taken recreationally, doesnt impinge on society as much as alcohol, thats a fact. Theres figures I could be quoting to back all these views up by the way, but as Ive only recently asked for a report to be drafted on the subject I dont yet have them to hand. Thank God, chirped Louis. Whats your take on it Perry, by the way, given its your line of work? asked Ruby, attempting to reduce Franks blood pressure. I only used to sell legal drugs, the legal highs. I also used to deal in booze and fags that I came across. I havent got much family left and the majority of them died from alcohol abuse. Seeing the damage that caused, I kind of made a decision then that Id only deal drugs perceived to be less harmful than alcohol. I worked full-time, had a part-time job as a barman in the evening, and then I used to deal late at night, in order to put money away in case I wanted to raise a family you do the maths, said Perry, eager to share. Dr Scope, Frank said, beckoning a tired MC back into action, I just had a thought why the hell dont doctors get ill all the time? You spend all day working with or sat across the desk from ill people spreading germs in your face, and yet you dont get sick. Do you have the immune system of a shark or something? What it is Frank, is that they have the secret cure, but wont give it to us because if they did then who would they treat? said Charles. Ha, I wish! laughed Dr Scope, before wearily regaling how
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he spent much of his first couple of working years in Sierra Leone fighting off repetitive sickness. Fair enough I suppose, I still think your immune system must be superhuman though. I bet if there was a nuclear holocaust the only people who would survive would be cockroaches and doctors, said Frank. He then offered up the floor to anyone else and Phil was the first to dive in, just beating a dopey Hubert to the punch. Frank, what about steroids? What do you think about them? If you think theyre okay, then maybe we could get some up here? I havent had any since Ive been here and look at me! I look feeble and pathetic, moaned Phil. You were on steroids? Jesus, Phil. They are the most ridiculous drugs I could think of. They give you horrible mood swings eat up your life expectancy. You dont need more muscle anyway, you need to tone. You do that through press-ups, pull-ups and things like that all of which you can do here. Come over to mine one day and we can work out together. Look at those pecks of yours anyway, said Frank with bewilderment. Do you honestly find pecks attractive? On a man? One day you just looked in the mirror and actually consciously thought that you wanted a pair of breasts? I wouldnt mind a pair of breasts, just stay at home all day playing with them, quipped Tarqney. Ere are, have mine! said Grace, grabbing Tarqneys hand and forcing it onto her chest. Theyre not breasts Frank, theyre rock hard pecks! countered Phil. Frank chose his conversation with Phil over any duty of control. Call them pecks but theyre essentially breasts and, I for one, would like to know when they were first deemed attractive. Unless my eyes deceive me, they just look like someones wedged a pair of hot water bottles under your shirt. I go to the gym regularly, but if I looked down one day and saw pecks forming Id either sleep with an iron on my chest or go the whole hog and change my name to Francine. Frank looked around the room and deemed the concentration
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levels on the wane. Refusing to take it as an ego blow in the face of his repeated attempts at humour, he instead deemed that it was time for the party to commence and so asked for ten minutes grace whilst he and Ruby set up the room. Ten minutes of high quality flirting later, Frank opened the front doors to let the rabble-rousing crowd in. To their left was a table full of special occasion nibbles. Frank had been naughtily nibbling at them as a treat since his arrival in Clashton and had to call on Floyd earlier that day to help him complete half open packs in order to hide his indulgent shame. Behind that table was one full of drink, mainly wine and some rather cheap-looking bitter, labelled as just that in huge red writing. Behind that table lurked a large space, one which Frank was advertising as the dance floor. Frank had decided to allow the residents carte blanche over pouring their own drink, sarcastically declaring to Ruby that the government hadnt provided him with the luxury of a rude waiter or deaf barman. Rubys response that maybe he shouldnt allow himself the same carte blanche was met with a reassurance from Frank that was full of spirit and intent but lacking in self-confidence.

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ALI KERFUFFLE
In the early stages of the evening, the biggest draw alongside birthday boy Vince was proving to be Floyd. Frank was going through his repertoire of party-trick dog commands, Floyd flipping from front to back and rolling on the floor. It led to fellow dog-lover Kadeisha engaging Frank in a conversation which was monitored closely by Ruby, the conversation taking place within earshot of the rapidly vanishing nibbles. Catching a few words, Ruby overheard Frank telling Kadeisha of his favourite Ghandi quote, that the greatness and moral progress of a nation can be judged by how it treats its animals. Whilst she deemed herself to be on the same philosophically appreciative level as Frank, she was also snobbishly confident that Kadeisha would be finding his patter far less stimulating. Ruby smiled to herself, partly because of Franks comedic delivery and partly out of a reaffirmed sense of security, and left them to it. With the party nearing full-flow, things were still surprisingly civilised. Indeed, the only time banter was threatening to cross over into more clinical squabbling was when different peoples music tastes and DJ-ing capabilities were being discussed. The wine was being sunk at a respectable rate by most, and some of the residents had even contentedly called it a night, realising that their drinking prowess had been hit by several months on a forced wagon. Frank was now sat with Floyd and Ruby by the food table and was at his conversational best, looking like a pale Cuban general as
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he chomped on one of Larrys cigars. He was regaling anyone within earshot with humorous story after story the age-old problem being that, when drinking, Frank was only in this merry stage for approximately half an hour before his humour could become more controversial and outlandish. Charles then sidled his way through a chortling crowd and managed to take Frank a bit further aside for a private chat, one which Frank insisted Ruby be a party to. Frank, you know those pieces of meat I found? said Charles. Yeah, yeah, said Frank. Im pretty sure almost certain that theyre human remains. I dont know what to say really, no ones gone missing here, have they? No, course they havent obviously there was Jayson, but we saw the government take his body back. Can you see how old they are, or work that out or anything? Frank asked, his lit cigar no longer fitting the mood. Theyre old, but the samples show only the early stages of decomposition. Id say youre looking at three or four months. I think its someones stomach, but Im not an anatomy expert. Either way though, as I say, Im almost convinced theyre human. Charles was obviously a better drunk than Frank and it quickly became evident in their respective reactions to Charles revelation. Whilst Charles years of boozing practice had steeled him into his squiffily relaxed disposition, Frank started to become incandescent with rage. Fuck! What the? You dont think that the government could be responsible? Jesus, man! said Frank, pinching the bridge of his nose as he tried to furiously make sense of it all. Its bugged me since weve got here, why they wouldnt send paedophiles, rapists, murderers up here. They said it was because these people were more unpredictable, that their personalities were unpredictable and contradictory so theyre harder to keep tabs on. But thats just bollocks, its got to be, just feeding us a line. Also, I was thinking the other day, what are they possibly going to do with us when we return? How are they going to ensure we keep our mouths shut? This is worse than we all imagine, its got to be.
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Frank! Calm down please, we dont know, theres no point driving yourself mad speculating, said Ruby. Come and dance with me come on, you like this song, she said with hopeful assumption. God, not now Rubes, were under threat here, I need to get my head round this. Just at that moment Tarqney, Grace and Sonia crashed into the arena to rowdily but cutely demand more food. We havent got anymore of those nibbles left! I tell you what, Ill get Gareth no, actually, Ill knock something up for you in a bit, said Frank. Thanks greatly Frank, one was just trying to find a peanut amongst these mixed nuts and its like looking for a needle in a haystack! said Tarqney. Eh, look ere Tarqers, Ive just found me a pork pie, said Grace. I bet dat common cow Kadeisha ate most o this, eh Grace? Common as muck aint she, scoffed Sonia, without a hint of irony as porkified jelly dripped down her chin. Frank, come on lets go and have a chat, said Ruby, dragging Frank away. She sensed that, rather than fuelling Franks rage, the whole situation and concept of Clashton was starting to clamber on top of him again and she instinctively wanted to have a pep talk. Hold on, wheres Floyd? said Frank. Where is he? He wont have gone far, hes probably popped outside or something, said Ruby. Frank frantically power-walked outside, knowing Floyd to be an explorer and this having been one of the few times hed left home without his lead. As he was darting around Clashton, there were a few drunken revellers struggling to get home and Ruby started rounding them up behind Frank as she went. Frank dashed out of sight of Ruby and, just as he turned the corner, he was accosted by Jeremy. Frank, you better come over ere. That dog of yours has been kicked, by Ken, I saw him run off over there. I dunno what happened but he dont look great. What! What do you mean kicked? Ken kicked him why, how? I dunno, maybe your dog was attacking him or somefing.
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He doesnt attack anyone, hes a St. Bernard for fucks sake! You alright, boy? said Frank calling for Floyd who just at that moment came lumbering toward him. The fact Floyd was now on all fours and mobile hardly registered with Frank. Will you look after him Jeremy? Can I trust you to look after him whilst I Oh, Ruby! Can you stay here with Floyd make sure hes okay? Ill take him to the vets in a minute Vets? Whats happened to him? said Ruby. Jeremyll fill you in, Ill be two minutes. With that Frank pounded around the corner to Kens place, each exhale forcing him to open his mouth such was the ferocity of the adrenalin rushing through his body. Cowardice sat just about at the top of Franks pet hates and he placed the two key behavioural indicators of this trait as cruelty against children and cruelty against animals. Fuelled by this and Charles revelation, Frank wasnt in any position to rationalise his thoughts or behaviour and as he approached Ken, who was fumbling around on his doorstep for keys. Oi, Ken! shouted Frank as he approached. Sorry Frank, I said Ken. The sorry was all Frank needed to hear. All he saw as he took his last couple of steps towards Ken was an image of him brutally kicking Floyd and he didnt want to hear an explanation. The punch he unleashed was the one thing he had feared for some time and he was initially shocked by how it felt to him not emotionally but physically. Hed always imagined that itd primarily be a fleshy feel, but as he connected with the bottom of Kens cheekbone it felt to him like hed hit a brick wrapped up in a pound shop pillow. He loved boxing, and though hed have loved to have boxed under those controlled conditions, he liked to concern himself more with the science of boxing and the lightning defensive skills that came with proficiency should they ever be needed. The hundreds of virtual boxing sessions hed completed, combined with his big arms and big ego, meant that hed worried intermittently over the years about the damage that could be done by his hardest punch. It was a fear which resulted in him instinctively pulling back from putting too much of his weight behind it, and so as Frank immediately rushed to Kens aid
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on the floor, gulping down sick that had appeared in his mouth as he did so, he was at least confident that no major damage had been done. Ruby then came hurtling around the corner with Floyd after being alerted by Jeremy as to what Franks intentions might be. Oh God! Whats happening now? What happened? said Ruby. Jesus fuckin Christ! I hit him Ruby. Im so sorry, Im sorry Ken, are you alright? Is Floyd alright? Fuck me what a mess, said Frank, rocking his head back into his hands. Im okay, Im okay, my cheek kills, mumbled Ken, covering almost his entire face. That Frank had unleashed the punch not in defending the honour of a damsel in distress but to someone he viewed as defenceless was adding to his state of distress. There was now a considerable crowd slowly becoming aware of what had happened. Aware that his heart was thumping and hands sweating as if about to enter the onset of a panic attack, he quickly assigned Eddie to take Floyd to the vet. He asked Ruby to go with him and Ken to see Doctor Scope, last seen on the social club dancefloor. As he escorted Ken towards the social club hall some of the drunken residents started to cheer and clap and laud Frank as they found out, something which caused him to sloppily bark out Im as big a coward actually a lot bigger coward for hitting him as he was for kicking my dog, so please stop it What you on about? I didnt touch your dog! mustered Ken. What? Jeremy said that you kicked him, and that you ran off just after? said Frank, his face starting to drop. Thats bollocks! said Ken, his cheek now visibly reddening. He was the only one I saw close to your dog as I walked back to mine. Oh God, well Im even sorrier if thats possible. Im so, so sorry. Its alright, Ill be fine! Frank, you go and grab the doctor, Im going to stop the drinking and send everyone home, said Ruby. No, no, no! Theres no need for the party to stop just because of my behaviour, just let them enjoy it, said Frank. Im going to supervise the drinks at least, we dont want any more incidents like this, do we?
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It was said in a tone which reminded Frank of his mum and ensured that he was at his most sheepish as he approached Doctor Scope. In contrast, Ruby was at her most ebullient in her task as makeshift barmaid, and it led to Frank getting a further dig in the ribs as he left, overhearing Louis saying God this is the lamest party Ive ever been to not even midnight and the only drink I can get my hands on is a bloody half bitter shandy. Doctor Scope escorted Frank and Ken towards his surgery, reassuring them along the way that he was pretty sure that the damage wasnt serious. Ruby was hotfooting it after them no less than five minutes later. Her autocratic style of bartending emptying the bar and subsequently the social club hall. The party seemed to be spreading to several of the residents apartments but she felt that her supervisory eye was better cast over Frank rather than worrying about that. She found Frank feeling sorry for himself in Doctor Scopes waiting room, in a chillingly similar scenario to that which led to Jaysons passing. Knowing Frank now as she did, Ruby was even more worried about his mental state in this situation, especially given the circumstances which led to it. How is he? asked Ruby. Hell be fine, theres nothing broken or anything, just some swelling and bruising that hes patching up now. Its not about that though, is it? That behaviour tonight, could you think of anything worse for them to witness? And you know the worst thing? The split second before I punched him it flashed into my mind that virtually all the residents here wouldve been fully behind me, urging me to hit him either way. And for that split second I allowed that to vindicate my decision to hit him, even though its against everything Id previously said. I know Frank, and I can see why you feel guilty. But, and you have to remember this, you thought hed kicked your dog. The only thing, really, I think youre guilty of is acting on what Jeremy told you without trying to fully establish the facts of what actually happened, and not letting Ken fully explain, and maybe drinking a bit too much. And you were emotional anyway at the time, because
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of what Charles said to you, argued Ruby, unwittingly stacking up his offences. Theyre not excuses though, Im trying to be a positive influence to these people and I just dont think I am. Its okay, I realise that now. There was a despairing resignation in Franks tone and so Ruby wanted tried reassure him. Put it this way Frank. If Ken had admitted that hed deliberately hurt Floyd, or even that hed tried to kill him, and for no reason, what do you think the correct course of action would have been then? Because, as non-violent as I am, in that situation even Id be urging you on to hit him. I see your point and, yes if someone hurt, or God forbid, raped any of my daughters for example then Id happily take it upon myself to act like that. I dont know how anyone couldnt really. Probably the same with Floyd I guess, but I didnt even stop to rationalise, think where I was or anything the situation were in here is so different it makes my behaviour all the more appalling. So diminished responsibility would come into play, Ruby countered. Youre an ace lawyer as well as a journalist, and therapist. said Frank. Ruby partially snapped at Franks dispirited attitude and her encouragement almost turned into a demand as she told him to learn from his mistakes and look forward. In highlighting the pressurised situation they were in, and the fact that he was almost on his own in trying to deal with everything, she noted a chink in Franks eyes which suggested his spirit was still alive. She then delivered one last barb designed to infiltrate and recharge his ego. By the way, I thought you were this big tough boxing guy? Kens a lot smaller than you and you hardly left a scratch on him! Remember what you said to me not long after we met? That you were so tough that they credited you, whoever they are, with creating the giraffe after you gave a horse an uppercut! You can give that up now God, I was joking! said Frank with a defensive chuckle. I didnt hit him with everything Ive got, anyway thats not relevant. Im sorry, and thanks. I will have a think about my future here and if I come to
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the conclusion that I cant help anyone anymore then Im off home. Fuck the money, its not about that. I can make sure I get that moral stance right at least. Then Ive every confidence that a fine intelligent man like yourself will come to the right conclusion. Frank managed to contort his facial expression into a glum smile and with that Ruby left to go off to bed as a patched-up Ken took her place. Whatever I can do for you round here Ken just ask, Im so, so sorry Dont be its fine. I dont try and hide how I am, I have too much faith perhaps in other peoples intelligence. I thought people would understand that Im no harm to anyone, practically. But they dont even give you a chance to explain, you just get labelled and thats that. Im never going to hide it though, Im past caring about beatings that I might take, Im being true to myself, and Ive taken way bigger punches than that. Ken meant beatings rather than punches, but Franks ego still wasnt back in shape and he didnt even flinch at Kens suggestion that his punch was weak. As Frank walked back to his apartment he gladly noted that most of the revellers had retreated back to their uncomfortable beds. He thought about engaging someone into deep babble upon his return but that thought didnt last long, as he found a patched-up Floyd and Eddie both fast asleep.

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TI TAK THE BREE WI THE BARM

Frank had an awful nights sleep, his worst since being in Clashton. His dream played out like a scene from a gangster film, which wouldve usually entertained him had he not been the FBI informant with a price on his head. He was chased and hounded throughout what seemed like the full nightly ordeal, and before he could meet his maker the dream morphed into one with which he was more familiar: his teeth not being punched out but he himself pulling each loose tooth out one by one. As he awoke and peeled his sweaty frame off the mattress, he reflected on what he understood from friends in the know to be a standard anxiety dream, before sleepily starting to plot his plan of verbal attack towards Jeremy. He quickly totted up in his head the motivating factors towards his negative view of Jeremy, and afforded himself a little chuckle as he almost ran out of fingers during the totting-up process. Jeremy had been labelled a coward from minute one, and he hated cowardice. Whats worse, Jeremy was an aggressive one. Hed proceeded to kick Franks dog, which accounted for about four fingers, and then went on to frame Ken. Indeed, every last vein in Franks body was willing him to hate this man and administer to him the ultimate punishment, be that physical abuse, mental abuse, or telling tales on him to the government and letting them handle the situation. He was truly fed up with his instinct by now though, reasoning that it was his instinct which had led him into the majority of the turmoil
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hed experienced since landing on Muta. So, stubbornly, and somewhat childishly, he decided to go the other way. Not to the extent that he was planning to greet Jeremy with a kiss on the hand, but just that he wanted to engage him in some brutally honest chat. Part of him hoped itd act as a challenge and reinvigorate his flagging enthusiasm. As Jeremy opened the door to his apartment he visibly cowered. Frank glanced down to his side to remember that hed left Floyd at home and thus it was he himself that was the cause of such a flinch. Woah, woah, Jeremy Im not mad Im not going to hit you or anything, honestly I just want to talk to you. Can I come in, is that alright? said Frank. If you want, Jeremy mumbled, staring intently but not daring to make eye contact. Honestly before last night Id never hit anyone before in my life. I dont agree with it. I was wound up because of other stuff, and then you told me that Ken had kicked Floyd and I just lost it. Itll never happen again, I promise. Lets just sit down a sec. God, this place is a tip do you not sit in here? Nah, I lay on me bed most of the time. Lets just stand then. I wont be here long, I just want to ask you a few questions then Ill leave you to it. That okay? Fine, replied Jeremy, his lack of eye contact still bruising Frank. Just be completely honest with me. I could easily get you sent home for what you did, but the last thing Im going to do is tell the government, get you sent home, or hurt you in any way. As long as youre completely honest with me. You kicked Floyd yes? Yeah. First of all, why? Was he being a bit boisterous? He can be at times. E was pestering me, an I was a bit pissed off coz no one was speaking to me at that party, and Julian wasnt there, an I didnt have mates there. I dunno why I did it though. Why exactly did you then frame Ken? Thats even more important to me, Frank said, consciously softening his voice. Coz I thought that if anyone found out, if you found out, then youd smack me, or boot me out, an I dont wanna go home.
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God Im not going to smack you, or anyone, as Ive said. Why you dont want to go home? Coz I hate it, I hate me life back home. I thought people here liked me, but no one spoke to me at the party. They only speak to me when Julians next to me. Ken was one of the guys I got on wiv here and then I be an idiot and I do this to him. I fink he actually liked me, he told me about his past and stuff one night, that he was sexually abused by some bloke when he was 10. Ill have a word with Ken, not about that, but just Im sure if I explain it to him you can maybe be mates again or something. If you were on the right track then just get back to how you were, be confident in yourself, love yourself a bit. Thanks Frank, thanks. Ill see you soon, and dont let people around here knock you back. If you think you were getting better and being nicer to people then carry on being like that. Really try and kill people with your niceness, thatll win anyone over in time! As Frank arrived back to his apartment, walking gingerly under the weight of his mind, he heard Rubys presence as he approached the door. She was clearly in fine form, engaging both Eddie and Floyd in some kind of raucous game, and it was the last thing Frank was geared up for. He took thirty seconds to compose himself around the side of the apartment before bursting in with fake affability. Frank, sit down Ive brought you this! said Ruby, placing onto the table a genuinely appetising-looking platter. Im not the victim here, am I Rubes? But, God, that looks good. Howd you knock that up? A few leftovers from the party, a few provisions I found at the very back of the food shed, a few things chef had specially made he really likes you, he was more than happy to help. Is it just this? Is there anymore? I only ask because I was thinking maybe you could take some round to Jeremy and Ken as well, theyre the real victims. Jeremy, a victim! shouted Ruby incredulously. Hes the sole cause of this whole situation. Hes the one who kicked Floyd, hes the one who then lied about.
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God, settle down! If you traced this back to its core, to the root cause, then its clearly my fault. Its as simple as that. Im the one who couldve stopped all this happening if only I had got to know them better earlier. What Frank, because youve got those skills, have you? To change people just like that? Only the other day you were reiterating that youre not a therapist, so what are you? Some kind of God with magic powers? Bloody hell, let me have it eh. Im just saying that Im not the victim, I should be paying for what I did. I should genuinely be up on a charge of GBH, I could genuinely go home, let someone else take over here, and hand myself in. Prison wouldnt be too bad, Ive always thought that. Itd toughen me up, I could get down the gym every day, do some Ruby looked as if she was about to explode. God, you talk such crap! Here you go again with the toughening up thing. Its not relevant, its not about being tough, and even if it is in your stupid head you dont need it youre about the strongest person Ive ever met. What are you doing? Are you going back to bed? Eddie, stop him going in that room, he is not going back to bed! said Ruby, forcing her way past Eddie with an intention to grab Frank. Alright, alright! I was up early this morning to see Jeremy, thats all. Too bad, youre going to stay up and do some useful stuff. Get back out there and face people. The residents here see you as a bit of a hero for what you did. I know this is for the wrong reasons, but you can point this out and turn it to your advantage. You cant afford to wallow. Youre really making progress with some of these people and they seem happy here. What Im trying to say is that regardless of the setbacks youve had, youve still got a chance to really help these people. Organise another trip, think about other activities everyone can do. Speak to your family, speak to the government, try and find out what happens when we get back. These are all things that ought to be your priorities right now, so get out there and do them! Shes right man, added Eddie. Shes always right, as endearing as it is annoying. Ive been trying to get hold of the government for ages, Ive got so many things I
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need to know, but Im starting to think this phone is knackered or something. Dyou know I had a slight panic attack the other night thinking about what might happen if they never contacted us again? But obviously that wont happen. Eddie, could you take Floyd out a minute? I just want a word with Ruby in private. Thanks, said Frank as Eddie took a grateful Floyd away from the action. Rubes, I didnt want to say this in front of Eddie but Ive really got to think about leaving. You know what Jeremy told me about Ken? The poor kid was sexually abused by another lad when he was 10 years old. Does that explain his affliction right there? From then on hes sexually attracted to children? And its actually entirely to his credit that he then indulges this urge through computer generated simulations rather than real life? I read recently its something like 8 in 10 people who sexually abuse children have been victims themselves. If that had happened to me or you the likelihood is that it wouldve ruined our lives in the same way. The point is that I dont know how to deal with these things. Its a job for a proper psychotherapist or a psychologist. You said to speak to my family as one of my things to do. I speak to them as little as possible because it absolutely kills me to hear them trapping on about what theyve been up to, every single time my eyes instantly well up, its just Have you even got that get-out clause though, are you sure theyd let you go back early? I reckon they would, if it would save them money. And when I tell them about everything thats happened here, theyll probably deduce that Ive failed and on my recommendation bring in a qualified psychotherapist or someone to work with these people for the last month or so everyones a winner. Perhaps you should think about it. If you want, I can look after things here while you go for a walk, maybe go the other side of the boundary a bit and try and get away for a few hours. Maybe thatll help you, said Ruby. Frank rejected the suggestion, figuring that he could at least do some work whilst he pondered. Though he was entirely genuine and speaking from the heart in brooding about leaving, he was still a little narcissistically perturbed that Ruby hadnt put up more of a fight.
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However, he dusted himself off, and started to think about his tasks at hand, immediately trying again to initiate contact with his family and the government. The next few hours flew by, with both Frank and Ruby flying around Clashton like a pair of rival campaigners in an election campaign courting for votes. Ruby had gathered together some of her closest allies amongst the residents. Ruby held an ad hoc meeting taking in Doctor Scopes surgery to the backdrop of gangsta rap. She decided to entrust those present with the knowledge that Frank was considering leaving Clashton in the hope that it would galvanise a few of them into revealing their true emotions about him. They were quick to take the bait. Angus, probably his closest confidante, was first to offer an opinion. I wooldnae dwell on what he says too much, love. He can get a bit down from time to time an its understandable. Thats probably the way he feels right now. Hes serious Angus! I know him and I know that hes serious. He doesnt just say stuff like that for attention, he speaks from the heart, thats all. I didne mean that, love th guys a legend! Its jist, I dont know, I guess I think hell see sense given time and stay the full course here. I dont want to see him go, I think hes a fine fellow. Hes a bit stuffy at times but arent we all, dear, said Tarqney. So, what happens if he goes? Well get a replacement for these last weeks? Another politician? Fuck that, added Louis. Id imagine so, yes, said Ruby. And thats the point, Franks like no other politician youll ever meet is he? The person theyd potentially get in to replace him would be so much less Sexy? said Louis with seductive panache. Bai chi, Louis. Theyd be horrible. It could even be someone like Carmela imagine that! I want to see him stay, and so does Gaynor, said Marcel. Better the devil you know eh, and I dont even think hes a devil really, I just like winding him up. Im daan wiv you lot as well. E treats us like adults, lets us do our own thing, and gives us confidence, ya know. Hes a top geezer, said Vince.
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Its agreed then that we cant allow it to happen and that we have to persuade him to stay. So, I was thinking we could do something for him to make him realise that he means a lot to us here. Any ideas? I was thinking about baking him something. Hes not a fat teenager Ruby, and youre not an 80 year old woman, sneered Louis. How about we just go over to see him? We should tell him that we want him to stay on. I think hed appreciate that no drama, very brief, not awkward. I might even then offer to take him outside and do a sparring session with him. Im sure thatll perk him up, said Julian. Im not sure thats wise after the other night, but youre right, I think he wouldnt want a fuss reasoned Ruby. Lets really turn it on though said Louis. Ill tell him that I dont just want him to stay, I need him to. As they charged through Clashton, Rubys posse assumed resembled a group of determined protestors. Frank, meanwhile, had decided to throw himself head-on into benevolent duties, at least to act as a temporary boost to his selfesteem. Top of his list of targets were Eddie and Jeremy. Jeremy had particular potential in bolstering Franks faith in himself given his recent behaviour. At the same time Eddies addictions seemingly back at their whimsical peak and were now flitting between cat food and music. The music addiction lasted a few days and consisted of Eddie staying up for 36 hours at one point relentlessly listening to the five or six albums in Franks collection. Though anti-social, Frank was more concerned about the vast amount of time Eddie had been spending over the last couple of days without going outside but instead choosing to be alone in his bedroom. He hoped that his latest addiction was responsible for this, though he chose not to pry further for fear of unearthing something embarrassingly sexual. In thinking about the best course of action for Eddie, he was reminded of two things. Firstly, that throwing himself into work and keeping himself busy was a proven solution of taking his mind off more trivial matters. And secondly, that he was not qualified to be dealing
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with such matters and that his amateurish notions that he could, when applied to Eddies more complex problems, were likely to prove ineffective. Nonetheless, it was all he could muster and he had been to see Perry in order to broker some kind of arrangement. Frank had found out a couple of weeks earlier that Perry had been working ten to fifteen hours a day since arriving on Clashton meticulously cleaning anything and everything. The revelation caused some embarrassment to Frank and much amusement to Ruby who teased Frank for thinking the environment was somehow cleaning itself. Hed arranged for Perry to take Eddie on as his assistant, and gave Perry scope to increase his cleaning tasks by offering up housecleaning services. Frank saw it as a win-win situation, with the only person outwardly upset by it being Duncan, who saw it as a scheme to snoop on the residents from the inside, something hed been regularly reprimanded for. It wasnt, and Frank ploughed ahead with the project, stopping briefly to amuse himself with the irony of the close relationship he was trying to forge between an addict and a drug dealer. At the same time Rubys gang were marching ever closer to Franks place, only to be temporarily stopped by the odd straggler wanting to join their group. One of these flagged them down in incredibly flamboyant style. Yoo-hoo! Ruby isnt it? said a camp voice. Sorry Ive seen you around but dont think weve met, said Ruby. Im Clarence, and you, my dear, look ferociously stunning. Oh wait, wait, is that someone on the phone I hear calling? Hello, whos that, who sorry? Glamour? No, dont need you today, sorry Im stood right here next to it! said Clarence, staging a mock phone conversation to the bemusement of all present. He preceded to prolong the episode further as his friends enticement and appeal tried to get hold of him, before revealing that word had passed through Clashton already and their endeavours were in vain. Ruby did not know of Clarences affliction but his nonsensically jocular appearance and demeanour ensured an instant mutual connection.
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Oh he-llooooo Ruby that bracelet, its just delicious! Delicious and ferocious in equal measure. I tell you what Im going to open a jewellers and just stick you there in the window like an exhibit, its that fabulous! said Clarence jauntily. Thanks, its my fave piece of jewellery! So how come we havent seen you around the place a bit more? Probably because he stays at home all hours with that butt plug of his, sniggered Phil. The conversation that followed was excruciating, Phils jibe acting like a pinprick to Clarences heart, deflating every ounce of joviality away from him. He steered Ruby away from the main group and informed her that someone a few weeks earlier had found the aforementioned butt plug on the floor outside his apartment. He couldnt deny it was his, he said, because he couldnt live without it. Ruby, prudishly out of her depth, sweetly starting offering up what she thought were viable alternatives. You dont need that thing, Clarence what do you think of Julian? Hes lovely, really lovely. Such a gentle giant. Oh no, no darling Im not really into that. I like being me, Frank made me realise that really, but I like being the only me. I dont like other gay men really I like them sexually, but I dont like being around them all the time. And I do go with women, he said with a wink. You know what Kadeisha said to me? That Im homoclaustrophobic! How delicious is that! I just dont like being around gay men, but Im attracted to them, sexually, so thats why I use the buttp I see, I see, said Ruby, head down to hide her blushes. So, you said Frank helped you realise that you liked being you, do you mind cornering him and telling him that when we see him now? I just want him to know that hes helped people here. No problem darling, would be a pleasure, replied Clarence. Ruby, Ruby, Im just going to have to dash home Im afraid, Ive just seen Kadeisha prancing around and one needs a little jizziotherapy if you know what one means, said Tarqney. No, I dont know what you mean! God, will everyone just stop with this sex talk, its disgusting! snapped Ruby.
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One shouldnt be such a prude Ruby, its a natural urge that you cant stop, like the bit of wee that comes out to let you know when youve finished your poo darling, said Tarqney. As Ruby shrunk further into her shell, Frank was starting to come out of his and the race was on as to who would arrive at Franks apartment first. Frank was likely to win, thanks to a new spring in his step following his success on his second humanitarian mission that day. Hed been to see Ken, not only to shower him with more apologies and check on his well-being, but also to speak to him about his relationship with Jeremy. Frank was expecting a hostile response to his request but he received nothing of the sort. Ken seemed in good spirits, said that Jeremy was his closest friend there and that they understood where each other had come from. His amiability towards Franks request and assurance that hed seek out Jeremy to make amends visibly boosted Franks mood, who at that moment turned the corner towards his apartment to see an army of people approaching. He frantically rooted through his pockets for his keys, wanting to get inside and conduct a quick cleanliness audit before they arrived. An excitable Floyd briefly slowed down but Frank managed to wrestle him aside and make an impact on the superficial mess before him. The addition of Clarence to Rubys rabble and the subsequent emotion that followed resulted in them all arriving at Franks with no idea as to their individual roles in the proceedings. It meant that, as soon as the door opened, they all started hollering statements of support towards Frank and at least half of them followed Franks lead when he started sniggering with laughter. His earlier tantrums now knocked out of his system, were replaced by feelings of validity and reassurance. He thanked everyone for their intent and satisfied them all that he was back on form. The gesture served to end the all-round embarrassment and awkwardness of the situation. Ushering them out to enjoy their day as best they could, Frank implored Ruby to stay.
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Thanks Rubes, I assume you were behind that. Sorry Ive been so feeble lately, Ill up my game now, I promise! It wasnt all me Frank honestly, and if I did have to drum up some support, I promise it wasnt too hard to find. As I say, thanks youre ridiculously nice, but you wont have to do that again, I was acting like a three year-old, I really was. Its shameful really, just immature and Alright! said Ruby raising her hand, thats enough self-loathing, just get on with things. On another subject, have you still got your ridiculous data sheet thing to hand? You know Clarence whats he down on there as? Ill grab the sheet, hes okay though isnt he? said Frank, panic not far from the surface. Yeah, yeah hes fine. Hes been getting a bit of stick I think, so hasnt been out and about much. God, it must be literally the same as being in a prison for someone like him here. We really should be doing more to get everyone involved I guess a lot more. I should be doing a lot more, I know youve been on at me all the time about it. Its just I dont want to force anyone into social situations that they dont want to be in. Here we are God, I havent had to refer to this for a while. Clarence is God down as a homophobic bisexual transvestite, fuck me! Would he or not then? giggled Ruby, surprising the pair of them. God, we shouldnt laugh said Ruby. It explains a lot though, I was trying to force him into a bit of a setup with Julian but he was resisting something chronic. I reckon that the selection machines sexually obsessed or something weve got every single inch of the sexual spectrum covered here now those who like men, women, both, young and old. And while Im trying to forge a friendship between a drug dealer and an addict, youre trying to set up a homophobe with a homosexual. Are we getting this badly wrong or something? Ruby grinned at Frank. I meant to ask, whats happening with Eddie? she added.
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Nothing dont worry, Ill tell you later. Another thing with Clarence Frank, he really likes you. You know why? Because of your group meetings and your advice, he says he really feels as though hes part of a community and hes learning to love himself, and not feel so excluded or like a special case. What? Ive hardly spoken to him. It goes to show that youre having a positive effect on people without even realising it. So youre really going to have to stop being so down on yourself all the time. Frank looked blankly at Ruby, his brain not supplying him with anything to say. I think my brother might be gay, I think hes scared of coming out what with all the small town homophobia and the like, said Ruby. I really dont get homophobia, said Frank in earnest. Theyre not harming anyone are they? Its the same thing over and over, if youre not harming anyone but yourself, why have people got an issue with it? Same as my seat belt argument. Imagine if gay people refused to wear seat belts, god thatd send people into a frenzy wouldnt it, almost ruin humanity on the spot. Im not homophobic in the slightest, yet my instinct still digs at me otherwise, sometimes. Id obviously never say this out loud or anything, but being brutally honest my natural instinct, something you have absolutely no control over, is to recoil when I see two gay old men together. Doesnt that freak you out a bit? Gay young men like Clarence I just find hilarious, but gay old men just, ugh! said Frank, visibly shuddering. Ruby glanced a loving look at Frank then decided to leave. Frank, longing for more interaction, couldnt help but enquire as to what a butt plug actually was, before reattaching his professional head and indicating he was to hold an important meeting shortly. His only encounter before that hastily arranged meeting was a slightly worrying one with Giles. It was a conversation Frank tried to keep as short as possible for both their sakes. Giles painfully shy disposition was clashing with Floyds need to exercise. Hi Frank. I just wanted to bitchstain! tell you that Im a geologist as well as a meteorologist and as well as looking at the climate and the weather Ive done investigations into the planet and its surface.
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This planets surfaces are made up of plates, tectonic plates, like Earth. Hitlers tits! Plates on Earth move at inches per year, the plates here are moving at feet per year. I havent got all my stuff here so I dont know how much this will increase the likelihood of an earthquake, but Im just saying that we could be in for a bumpy ride. Ill check more when I can, said Giles. Honestly, thanks Giles, it sounds as though youve been working hard and my scientific knowledge would put us both to shame, so I wont get involved in a conversation with you on that. Hopefully it wont be an issue now before we leave, but let me know if you discover anything else. One thing you werent swearing much then? Can I ask what that is youve got? Has it been diagnosed? Sorry for asking, Im genuinely curious, said Frank. Periodbreath! Ive never had it diagnosed before, no. I think its Tourettes but Im working hard to control it. If you go to a doctor, they give you medication that has serious side effects and I dont want that. Since Ive been here, Ive lost many of my ticks, I think. Sugar, caffeine and stuff like that makes those worse so at least Ive learnt to cut those out. I have to say Im entirely in awe of you, the way you carry yourself and I dont mean that in a patronising way at all. Do you think youd be okay to go on this next trek? You could maybe explore the planet a bit more, see if you can find out more? Okay said Giles with his head bowed. Thanks, youre a star. Anyway I better go on this walk and try and work some of this off old fatboy, here! said Frank, jiggling the stomach of a bewildered Floyd. Giles, keep me informed, and thanks. The size of the turnout at that evenings meeting was one which Frank suspected was largely down to Rubys persuasive abilities. It was one which left him feeling a little nervous. Several non-regulars in the crowd only served to make Frank feel more self-conscious. As Frank got the niceties out of the way, his head started to moisten under the brighter spotlight. He wiped some sweat from his brow and, in so doing, dislodged his hair at the same time. Flustering, he asked part time hairdresser Kadeisha if she would give him a haircut in the near future.
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Right everyone, we wont be long today. All I wanted to do really was to apologise for what happened the other day, and assert that it will not be happening again. I promise you all that I was completely out of line and I dealt with it all appallingly. You dealt with it the way we all wish we could have, said Louis, after a glance around the room to ensure Ken wasnt present. No Louis, Im not having that at all. It wasnt Ken that did it. What happened isnt important anyway. Its the way I reacted which was massively wrong. Even if Ken had kicked Floyd, I would have been wrong. Ive pointed out to you all that hes no threat, here or on Earth, and also hes been through a lot. Just trust me on this and give him a go. Who knows how wed turn out if wed been through what he has. Anyway, I dont want to lecture you, the lot of you have been great since weve been here. You could have made my life a misery, given the injustice of it all, perhaps you should have. I really do thank you all that you didnt, and also for your understanding in our time here. Youre going home, are you Frank? said Louis, suspected betrayal obvious in his voice. No, Im not going home honestly well, not until we all are. All I was trying to get at was that a society can always work together as people and improve each other. Ken told me its his birthday tomorrow by the way, so just a simple gesture like wishing him happy birthday if you see him at any point would make him feel better, and it should make you feel better too, so its win-win. I think everyones different and everyone here should be proud to be who they are, but I think some nastiness crops up sometimes which could be eliminated. I understand homophobia has raised its head as well homophobia in this day and age, is that really where were at? What someone does in their private life cannot possibly affect you. I just dont get how people can get angry about stuff like that. It has no impact on their lives if you were getting raped or something every time you went to the shops, then fair enough, having a gripe would be understandable, but the fact is that its not. I dont see how youve possibly got a problem with people who are just a bit different sexually. Its no different to you, Louis, or someone, getting your kicks from using sex toys, or playing with blow-up dolls or whatever it is you do.
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Yes, with your mums face on the doll as well! offered Louis tentatively. What, youre a gerontophile too? No, anyway lecture over, just try and tone it down if you can any behaviour like that. Frank then covered the practicalities of a potential water shortage and felt truly like a politician as he pleaded for them to be careful with the amount of water they were using, even finding time for a dig at Grace and Sonias toilet habits in the process. So, until then can I ask that were a bit careful with things like flushing toilets? Though, Grace and Sonia, thats no validation for using the open air. We dont need to do that just yet. Oh I bet youd love to wake up of a mornn to see us squattn on your doorstep Frankie! laughed Grace. Frank yoore forgettin our trusty wee fallback here, th ice cream tub said Angus. God, that fuckin tub, sneered Louis. Curse it an itll curse you. Ill teach it to talk one of these days! Have you genuinely got some ideas, Angus? asked Frank. It could be used, aye. We could place it in th basin of th main toilets whenever yoore washin your hands, youll soon have enough to flush th cludgie. Or, and I know you wont like this Frankie, but if we get really tight we could jist pee straight into th cistern, it all goes down th same way. Ha, good stuff! Get that tub rigged up and well go with that for starters, said Frank. Aye, if yous need to save money, Im your man. When I was younger I used to work doubly hard for three months then resign for three months. I felt I was beatin th taxman that way as I got back th tax that Id paid in the previous three months. Back to th water issue, you fairies need to stop drouning the miller as well. Sorry Angus translation? said Frank. Ive got a wee stash of whisky here an nobodys had a tipple yet without drenchin it in water. And some people havent even had a tipple, said Frank tapping his chest. Ill sort ye out Frankie.
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Nah Im only joking, think my drinking days might be over, said Frank, glancing at Ruby for approval. Youre going on this next trek arent you Angus? Aye, count me in! The next trek will go off the day after tomorrow then, Ill explain why in a minute. The people I was thinking ought to go are: Angus, Phil, Charles, and Giles. Giles will be there to check on the possibility of using the water and to bring us any further information we might have missed about weather conditions on Muta. Are you lot all cool with that? Ive told you not to say cool Frank! Youre way too old, said Louis, only to be drowned out by a collective pact amongst the prospective trekkers. Having said that, is it cool if I go on the trek as well Frank? added Louis. Course you can, Ill chalk you in, said Frank. And me Frank! shrieked Swanley. And me Frank it cant be just guys that go, said Kadeisha. Bloody hell, shall we all go? No, I think thatll be enough with those lot before that I said, said Frank. Swanley went on the last one, I havent been. Please let me, I can test out this water for bathing, said Kadeisha. Frank relented, knowing the pressure from his male counterparts would otherwise be unbearable. Psst Frank, the entertainment, whispered Ruby with urgency. Ill get onto that in a second. Swanley, can you do the navigation again? said Frank. Course Frank, I wont let you down. One thing though my shoes, theyre almost completely worn away so Ill need a spare pair, said Swanley. Nibbled away you mean, said Louis. Ill sort you some more Swanley, come and see me after, said Frank. Important lesson to learn for next time as well, Swanley son save money on your shoes by increasin th length of your stride by a few wee inches, nodded Angus. Sorry, yes was going to say anyway, said Frank. Thats why the trek will be the day after tomorrow because Rubys heading up
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our little entertainment session tomorrow. Rubes do you want to say anything more? Anyone with any ideas come and see me! Well all meet in the afternoon in the main hall. I dont know exactly what well do, but I thought we could just play some games or something. Yes, itll be basic entertainment but anyone with any ideas just throw them in the circle tomorrow and well see what we can come up with. I want to see ideas from Frank and Louis especially! You two are never short of an opinion, so see what you can come up with for this. No, no, not me I dont do fun, said Louis. Im with Louis on that. Organised fun, not my scene, said Frank. In the very least youre both coming! asserted Ruby. With that order fresh in his ears, Frank wrapped up the proceedings. The only person he sought out after the meeting was Angus. His money-saving friend immediately reminded Frank that he was his closest ally on Clashton and suggested that he was always available to be leant on. Angus, I wanted your opinion really on Jeremy, hes been a bit of an issue on and off for me, how have you got on with him? And hows he been lately? Aye, reddens the fire that one Frankie. Translate? said Frank. Always causin trouble. Was, anyway. Hes been quiet lately, think hes pally wi Ken. Alright, Ill keep an eye on it I guess, not long to go now anyhow. Cheers! You got to take the bree wi the barm Frankie. Yoore doing a grand job. Translate? Bree wi the barm, rough with the smooth. Cheers anyway, but Ive made a hell of a lot of mistakes Im sure of that. Just have to learn from them, thats always the key I guess. Ill let you get on, a pleasure talking with you! before adding to Floyd on the way home that Angus had to be the most Scottish man in the world.

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THATS ENTERTAINMENT
The next day was on Frank in a flash, and he spent the first hour making sure his apartment and appearance were as flashy as possible for the social situation upon them. He couldnt help but conclude that, since adding definite structure to their time in Clashton, everyone seemed more settled and time was flying by. As hed previously expressed, organised fun wasnt overly his bag, but he was happily aware that Rubys advice had been right. Having been starved of any type of fun recently, he wasnt dreading the prospect of a team-building group gathering as he usually would. Whilst Frank was obsessively shining his teeth, Ruby was fretting. She was nervous of all manner of things, foremost the fact that it was the first time in her life that shed managed a gathering of any kind on this sort of scale. She was born to handle maternal responsibility towards her family, but event management didnt come naturally to her. As she tried to think of ideas and clinically structure the session, she reminded herself with a chuckle that theyd agreed itd only be a five- or ten-minute thing in any case just to pool ideas they might have. Amidst her flustered state, she knew it wasnt a big deal and though longing for a blast of Franks perspective she didnt even consider that, as part of the ingredients adding to her nervous mix, was a want to impress him. Eddie was now spending enough time with Perry to ensure Frank could devote more time to his hobby of hovering in front of the mirror. As Ruby was thinking about impressing Frank with her
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party-managing skills, Frank was thinking only of impressing Ruby with his polished appearance. Though Ruby found Frank attractive, his judgement was slightly off base as he still hadnt deduced that her feelings ran far deeper than purely the physical. She was hiding her feelings well, when Franks advice was threatening to spill into lecture territory as they arrived at the social club. As Ruby stood up to address the crowd like a slim, female, asian evangelical pastor, Frank moped off to join the front of the boisterous crowd. Some residents were already shouting out several frivolous types of entertainment theyd like to see. As the room fell silent, Tarqney spoke up, instantly killing the tension emanating from the stage. God! I dont know what was up with those nibbles the other night, ones bottom has looked like the top of a sauce bottle ever since. Ruby then started the session, with Frank the first to offer input. As Ive said Rubes, I think fitness is so important and weve done none since weve been here really. Fit body, fit mind is one of the truest things ever said. Anyone can come round mine and do a workout whenever really, just give me a bit of notice. Oooh well be thurgh straight after! said Grace, with an insinuating wink. Also Im running daily at the moment so anyone can join me on that! said Ruby, although her offer was met with silence. Come on you lot, itd do you good! said Frank. And what about reading as well or something? Ive seen a couple of you brought books, we could pool those and do a kind of book club thing. God Frank, sometimes I reckon theres some bacteria that lives a more exciting life than you, chirped Louis. No, Im with you Frank, said Phil. A man after my own heart; exercise and reading. Eddie, have you still got that stash of books you had? said Ruby. As a matter of fact, where is Eddie? Es not ere love, you not clock him on the way in, beavering away doin up Perrys garden wif im? They borrowed me spade earlier, plantin some of me broad beans as well so we can opefully add that to the menu soon, said Vince.
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Frank then tried to share the warmth he was currently feeling by taking the heat off Ruby. Other stuff. What about languages? Someone here must speak a language, maybe they could offer their services and teach someone else? he said. Hey Angus, why dont you try and teach us all whatever that language is that you speak? said Louis. Its called th language of love Louis, so whenever yoore free my bairn, replied Angus. I could teach someone rasta mon, ize fluent in it, said Dexter. Rasta, is that genuinely a language? I know its a religion of sorts but I didnt know it was a language, said Frank. The language is Iyaric mon. That sounds good, well look into that I think, said Ruby. Back to the theme has anyone got anything else or any other ideas? I thought maybe we could play some cards. Did anyone bring a pack with them? said Ruby. What about jokes man, said Hubert. Go on then Hubert! Have you got one? replied Ruby. Here we go, a horse walks into the bar and the bartender says, Why the long face? And Id imagine the horse didnt respond, because its a horse. It can neither speak nor understand English. And the poor things so confused by its surroundings it then knocks over a few tables and gallops out of the bar, snapped Louis. Louis, said Frank, his semi annoyance turning into a semichuckle when he established no hurt had been taken by Hubert. Or maybe the horse has a long face because the horses wife had just been diagnosed with a terminal illness! bandwagoned Charles. Unperturbed Hubert went again. Ive got another. A man walks into a bar Hes an alcoholic whose drinking is destroying his family said Louie. Come on this is weak entertainment. What about musical chairs? offered Marcel. Ha! Nice one, said Louis. You just sit there and clean up every game!
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What about truth or dare? I bet youve never done a dare Louis, sniped Ruby, but no, I like it come on, lets have a quick game now. Lets get all of our chairs into a circle. Oh God, this is what nightmares are made of, grumbled Frank. Okay then, as long as we promise not to ask anything sexual thats all that anyone ever gets asked in these games, and were not teenagers anymore. And also, what about no dare? Just truth or dont answer as I want everyone here to be honest at all times. Lets ignore the old man. If you lot want to take a dare, take a dare, encouraged Louis. I know, why dont we wear those bracelets that Ive got as well? The ones that react to your mood. Theyve got a lie setting on them, so we could get that involved. Wait, Ive got them here, said Ruby. Bloody hell! They look like something youd get in a cracker. Thats a point, itll be Christmas not long after were back wont it, I cant wait for that. Let me guess Frank, you dont go in for all that you grouch? said Louis. Im not saying a word, muttered Frank. Put this on Frank youre first up, said Ruby, pinging a bracelet onto his wrist. Lets think of a standard question. If you had only 24 hours to live, what would you do with that time? Anyone can answer as well. No, Im happy with this one. Lets think. I tell you what, I reckon Id spend about 23 hours of it frantically, intensively and hypocritically converting to Islam so I spent the last hour completely content believing that I was about to enter into an afterlife. Id also like to take out the biggest loans possible with every bank I could get to and Id give all my loan money to the homeless. So, in conclusion Id become an Islamic Robin Hood! Id love it, like. Id git revenge on as many people as possible, said Larry, enthusiasm literally spitting from his mouth. Id go the other way I reckon, just be bitter, selfish and experimental shag a sheep and do heroin, mused Louis. Even a sheep would turn you down Louis, said Marcel. Im not sure what Id do, Ive always fancied doing some kind of disabled
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Jackass type show, so maybe Id film myself doing that for other peoples entertainment. Id do some real dangerous stunts, freak people out a bit. One thing Ive always wanted to do is, you know those metal ramps that kids use at bowling alleys? Ive always wanted to rig one of those up so I can a wheel on either side and just get bowled down the alley to smash the pins. That can be arranged I reckon. Hold on, your bracelets gone red, doesnt that indicate a lie Rubes? asked Frank. Im afraid it does Marcel, she confirmed. Is the truth that you want to mime your way into heaven? Come on, you can tell us, said Louis. Ha! Not quite, its probably to have sex constantly for 24 hours. Sorry Frank, but you must understand Im a bit starved in that department, said Marcel as his bracelet shone a shade of emerald green to the amusement of all. Anyway, we know the rest of the answers dont we? said Louis. Swanley youd eat, Jeremy youd finally try manning up and hitting someone, Clarence youd finally try pleasuring a man. Lets have another question whats the first thing youd do if you woke up one morning and discovered you were invisible? One would go for a dump. Why, its what I always do first thing in the morning dear boy! chortled Tarqney. Id just bask in the anonymity, said Ken, glancing at the challenging looks all round. What about you Rubes, what would you do if you were invisible? said Frank. Not sure, maybe take my friends to the casino and win them some money? offered Ruby tentatively to nods of approval. Aye, good shout love. Id leek to spread me vigilante wings a bit, go tuh certain dictator-run countries an becum a political assassin! said Larry. Ive got another one, said Frank. If you could have anyone here in the room to be your slave, who would it be and what would you make them do? The response was almost an almost unanimous You! apart from the response from Nigel Kadeisha.
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Woah, why me? said Frank, clearly loving the attention and rightly not even considering their motives to be negative. Before Frank could answer Gareth entered. He made it clear, through his interpreter Nuala that dinner was close to being served before he scampered back into the kitchen. Rubes, sorry, can I take over a sec? Ive just got a couple of things I need to rattle through, said Frank. Course, first though, youre wearing your iWatch? Yeah why? Just wondering if I can borrow it so I can take some pictures of everyone here together and stuff over the next couple of days. Im conscious we havent had any photos since weve all been here and, with not long to Of course you can here you are, but try and keep pictures of me to a minimum. I cant stand them. All I wanted to do was to let everyone know whos going on the trek tomorrow. It is Swanley, Phil, Angus, Charles, Louis, Giles and Kadeisha. If we can take a different route down to the lake, Swanley, maybe just explore a little more? No problem Frank, Im your man, replied Swanley. And Ive got all my equipment ready to go, not made a bad rod actually, said Phil. Cool, if you find any fish Im an absolute wizard when it comes to cooking fish dishes, so lets hope you get lucky. On that note, Im going to offer Gareth a night or two off a week and from now on I can cook for all you lot myself when its his day off, said Frank. I guess spewing for a few days is almost a form of entertainment, said Louis. No, Im serious. I feel sorry for him, hes worked every day since weve been here and he doesnt exactly get plaudits for his work. Its not his fault that hes been given nothing to work with, so prepare for fish la Noon! On that mouthwatering note, shall we head off to eat? Ruby? Yeah, yeah sure. Thanks everyone and Ill let you know when we can all meet again, hopefully soon, said Ruby. Well definitely meet either tomorrow evening or day after tomorrow and see how the magnificent seven got on with their trip,
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Frank said, gleefully wrapping up what he deemed to be a positive session. It was something he and Ruby both agreed on as they chatted their way out of the door. Though happy that itd given them something to work with in future, Frank was hard on himself for not having heeded Rubys advice earlier in the process. Noting that the residents had hardly mentioned their families since they arrived, he now fully understood the importance of fostering friendship and interaction in Clashton. Since a young age Frank had always had friends he could rely on and call upon like family, and he realised that it had made him complacent and unaware of the importance of these social structures to others. Ruby countered such pessimistic thoughts with her positive spin highlighting the success stories of the whole venture. Frank dashed off to see Perry and Eddie. As he approached, he observed them toiling away and, heartened, tried to make his way past them discreetly, only for his cover to be blown by an excitable Floyd scenting Eddie and blowing Franks cover. Frank saw fit to relieve Eddie of his duties and send him on back to his place with Floyd, meaning he could quiz Perry on the work experience placement. Hows he getting on? said Frank excitedly. He seems fine. Hes never had a job before, did you know that? said Perry. I know. I guess its too tough with his addictions. Hes been coming back to my place absolutely shattered every night, but from what I can see this is really helping keeping him busy. Thanks. No worries, its enjoyable hes like my apprentice Nice one, not long left now is there, but you can take all the credit, hes doing so much better, thanks. Go and grab yourself some food, its feeding time in there! Frank ordered. As Frank left he quickly caught up with Eddie and Floyd, the pair of them play-fighting like a pair of sibling wrestlers. Ushering them back inside with the promise of a relatively gourmet meal, he was stopped in his tracks by Ruby accosting him on the doorstep. Hello Frank, I was wondering if you are eating at yours tonight? Sorry, I was just a bit tired, and thought Id cook the happy grafter something Ill be back in the main hall with everyone tomorrow.
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No, no, its fine. I was wondering if you fancy maybe bringing your culinary skills over to mine tomorrow night, just the two of us? Sounds great. Ill see you then, just wanted to catch you before I ate, said Ruby. The offer, coupled with Rubys clearly made-up appearance, was enough ammunition to ensure that Eddie and Floyd had the meal of their stay in Clashton that night, one consisting of huge, flavoursome portions and accompanied by a heavy banterous garnish.

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PROJECT HUSH
With under two weeks now left in Clashton, Franks was becoming seriously concerned about the lack of contact from the government. Having left several messages to no reply, the only thing comforting him to that end was that his last phone call a few weeks before ended with Keith hinting that they might not be in touch much now until theyd formulated the plans for their return to Earth. As Frank awoke that day and sleepily brushed his teeth, he glanced in the mirror and was reminded that hed shaved early the previous day. That evening was to be his date with Ruby and he was a long way from cultivating his preferred three days worth of stubble. Frank decided to turn his attention towards the seven trekkers. An hour later they arrived for their briefing and Frank gave them their instructions, most delivered in the style of a worried mother. He then sent them on their way, Louis being the recipient of a hearty smack on the backside. With Eddie toiling, Floyd sleeping and the trekkers trekking, Frank had some unwanted time to himself, an hours healthy workout followed by an hours unhealthy over-thinking. His pensive stupor was interrupted by the phone ringing in the back room of his apartment. Hello? gasped Frank. Frank, you have to listen carefully to what Im saying, its a lot to take in but you have to hear me out. Its Carmela, she said with much deliberation. Rrrright, how have you why are you on?
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Ill explain now but as I said you have to just listen I dont have long in here. Im in Keiths office, his government office, where the booth is that they phone you from. Ive sneaked in here but hes not far away. Just really engage that brain of yours to the max and take in everything I say. Ive been treated like absolute shit since I returned, its like a witness protection programme but worse so, so disorganised and obviously for the moment their only concern is making sure I tell no one about the whole project. I genuinely think theyve plans to come clean about it somehow soonish, but theyre obviously struggling with how. It was so obvious to me that this was all a sham, or a cover-up or something last week I broke into the office here and Frank, are you still there? Are you listening? Yes, yes, Im with you go on, he said tensely. I broke in last week and got my hands on a load of papers. Basically the plan seems that a lot of Clashton residents wont be allowed back. Theyll be made to stay. Impossible, said Frank. There seems to be some intention to rehabilitate those that they think can be rehabilitated in Clashton, but for the majority there are no plans for their return to Earth. What?! How do you know? What do you mean in Clashton especially? fired Frank. Theres other people up there with you Frank, Im sure of it. Other towns maybe even. Ive heard mention of murderers all living there together, things like that. Living where, here? With you there, on Muta. Theyve all gone out of their fuckin Carmela, Frank said, a load of them have gone out exploring! How many towns other than Clashton? Do you know? I was told it was just us. I dont know exactly but youre all in a similar area I think, Ill try and find out more but its risky. Do you know all this is called Project Hush? Not exactly sly with the main aim of all this, are they? Project Hush? No I didnt hold on, exactly why are you doing all this? If this is all as barbaric as you say, or as you think, you wouldnt risk getting caught in there.
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I promise Im not lying. Jesus, how bad do you think I am? What would be in it for me to lie? I absolutely promise Im not, you have to believe me. Im sure youll be allowed back here and maybe some of the others, I dont know. I feel guilty about what I did up there, what I was like, and I also do genuinely like you, Frank, so Im doing it for you. So if all this is true, what the fuck do you suggest I do? What am I meant to fuckin do? he said aggressively. I dont know, but whatever you do, you should try and find out more and if I can get back in here, I will. A couple of other things they saw this project basically as a way of getting you out of the picture, that climate change speech you did was seen as way too controversial and youve upset some very important people. What? Was that actually written down somewhere? That they wanted me out of the picture like that? Frank said, hurt clear in his voice. Carmela insisted that shed seen email transcripts that revealed most of it, before again hinting at information suggesting there was no plans for the majority of the people on Muta to return to Earth. Ive really got to go, theyre in a meeting not so far away. Carmela, quickly, something thats essential what have they told everyone about where we are? The families in particular. Do you know anything about that at all? What did they tell your family you must know that? And whos behind all this? I know Keiths a fuckin worm, but even he wouldnt have stooped this low. Carmela? God, Ive got to go Frank, someone coming down the corridor I think, Ill try and call you again soon! Fuck! Fuckin no! said Frank pressing his fingers hard into his forehead. What followed was a full five minutes of Frank pacing around his apartment, an intriguing and random selection of swear words firing from his mouth. If what had happened previously Frank had termed as crises then this was a disaster of biblical proportions. He was raging the sheer injustice and failings by those in power which he so detested. He marshalled his adrenalin into action, dragging Floyd up onto his lead and charging straight over to Rubys.
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As Frank was charging and muttering around Clashton, the trekkers were making serene progress as they approached the lake, having been expertly navigated there by Swanley. Charles stooped down and gave the water a quick check before confirming that it was the very same that hed previously tested and thus was suitable for bathing. Are you sure? said Kadeisha. It looks awful murky in there. Its fine pure as you can get, this, said Charles. Louis, meanwhile, was helping Phil set up his fishing equipment, in outstandingly facetious form even for him. Hey Phil, he said, nudging his arm and making sure all around were watching, is it true that the only reason you like fishing so much is because its the only time youve ever heard someone tell you, wow thats a big one! As Louis painstakingly added hand movements to ensure that at least some laughter came from his jibe, the men were all stopped in their tracks as they noticed Kadeisha strolling naked towards the lake. The men were only afforded the view from behind initially and Kadeisha looked resplendent, like a walking statue of an Egyptian goddess. As she turned round to playfully wave, the water lapped over her ankles. Louis could help some facetiously friendly fire. Jesus, girl! When was the last time you shaved? Its like youre smuggling seaweed down there! Its how everyone should be, Louis dear au naturel, replied Kadeisha. Kind of lookes like a stab wound in a gorillaz back. You having that? sniggered Angus into Louis ear. Ha, ha indeed! Bloody hell. Kadeisha, youre knockout stunning, like a goddess Im not denying it; but Id have to be a qualified lumberjack to cope with that, said Louis. It so happens Im a qualified lumberjack, added Angus. Right, sod this Im getting in there, Ive never been so sweaty, said Swanley. Jesus, weve really got to be subjected to this? said Louis, as Swanley took his top off.
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God, look how pale he is! It looks like youve nicked King Kongs head, painted it white and wedged it on your neck, jibed Louis. Swanley plodded on down into the water refusing to rise to the bait. Swanley and Kadeisha were bathing, Phil was fishing, Angus and Louis were about to start bickering, and Charles and Giles were quietly checking for scientific and meteorological clues respectively. All the while Frank was positively fretting. He was overwhelmingly concerned with the immediate safety of the people on the trek. He sat Ruby down and tried to calmly summarise what hed been told. Covering the key points that they might not be allowed back to Earth and that there are almost certainly other people on Muta, he suddenly stopped when noting the look on Rubys face. Hold on you look relieved? Sorry, its the way you sat me down, I literally thought my whole family had died or that the Earth was about to be sucked into a black hole or something. In effect the world has been sucked into a black hole, the world as we know it anyway. Theyve called it Project Hush, said Frank, his eyes now fully welling up. Project Hush on the planet thats the goddess of silence, how fuckin patronising and how the fuck did I not see this coming? Its hardly the most genius hidden message is it, he said, rubbing his face as Ruby vigorously rubbed his arm. This is hard to take in, sorry Im not being better with this. Did the government just tell you all this? No, obviously not. How did you find out, who told you Frank? Carmela told me, she broke into their office and rang me. What! Carmela? How, why? I know its ridiculous. She said shed been treated like crap since shed returning to Earth. She said she felt guilty about how she was not here with us. All that matters is that there was no way she was lying. I know its hard to take in sorry, do you mind coming over to mine tonight once Angus is back, so I can speak to you both together? Course I will. What have they told our families then, what are they planning to
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Rubes, I just dont know. I asked Carmela the same thing and she doesnt know. I was suspicious of her too and I didnt just accept what she said, but something tells me she was telling the truth. She said that shed try and find out more and get back in touch. Look, sweet, dont look so downhearted, well sort this out. Theres no way theyre going to get away with this. I dont know what were going to do yet, but Ill engage every brain cell, every muscle, and between you, Angus and me let alone everyone else here there is no way theyre going to do this to us, I promise, said Frank, reaching out with his arm. Ruby was already heading for the door. Its just my family Ill come back to yours later, when I see the guys return, she said on her way out. Okay, see you then! Frank called after her. Perversely, Frank actually enjoyed that afternoon on Clashton. The last time he could remember having such a feeling of constant adrenalin in his body was either drug-related at university or in his school days when he came to the defence of a black team mate of his who was being racially abused during an under-16s football match. That incident subsequently motivated Frank to single-handedly win the game for his side and he was hoping for a similar result here, though unsure about the nature of his opposition. He paced around his apartment, his brain was working full-tilt, weighing up a multitude of responses, options and solutions, ranging from the violent to the crafty, from the reasoned to the extreme. The only time he felt at all downhearted by the situation was when the extreme thoughts reminded him what Carmela had done in Clashton. He was fighting off such thoughts and concentrating on possible solutions to situations which constituted the worst-case scenario when the trekkers returned, all trying to get into Franks apartment at the same time by pushing, shimmying and barging their way through Franks door. Frank rushed to let them all in and was relieved to see that all seven had made it back in one piece. Angus in particular was panting.
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Louis was the first to take in enough air to attempt fashioning a sentence. Weve, weve just, seen someone. Someone else Frank, not one of us! Woah! Take your time, its fine youre in here now. Seen who and where? asked Frank. We saw some guy, really ancient-looking, he was over on the other side of the lake, wearing a top hat and long cloak, gasped Kadeisha. What was he doing? Did you speak to him? Youre certain he wasnt one of us lot? said Frank. Frank, he was definitely a stranger. He was just bending down having a wash in the lake. He looked like a magician, said Phil. He wasnae a magician, he was Jewish. A Jewish guy, full traditional frock the lot, said Angus. Did you speak to him? No, we didnt speak to him Giles starting swearing and this guy ran off, and then we all ran off we panicked, said Louis. He was fuckinpissflapfuck! scary Frank. He looked half dead, said Giles. He was old, added Charles. I would say ninety years old at least. So he saw you? said Frank. He definitely saw us, said Swanley, finally regaining his breath. Sorry, offered Giles sheepishly. Dont be ridiculous, God youve nothing to be sorry for, have you! said Frank. Im quite excited by it all. Frank, this means there are others. We should go out again, see if we can get amongst them. Weve only got a couple of weeks left, what is there to lose? said Phil. So excited you were the first leading the sprint home! noted Louis. Frank, Ive got fish as well. Havent a clue what they are but Charles reckons theyre edible! said an animated Phil. And I almost got stuck in a bush, said Louis. You wish you got stuck in a bush, replied Kadeisha. Ill get Angus to fill me in on all that happened. I just want a private word with him, if thats alright with you all. And Giles actually, can you stay? The rest of you, please, please can you keep what you
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saw to yourselves. You can talk to each other about this, but no word of it to anyone who wasnt on the expedition. Are we clear? Well have a meeting tomorrow and Ill speak to everyone about this. In the interim, not a word. Please, do this for me. Frank got the assurances he sought and then turned his attention to Giles, enquiring as to any weather trouble that may be brewing. Nothing, no, all good for now anyway, said Giles. And in the long term? said Frank. Therell never be jizzrag! rain here, the humidity is not sufficient enough to create rain. Alright, thanks. Oh, before you go is it alright if at the next meeting you do a little weather report for everyone just explaining what youve found recently? Just in keeping with sharing information and all that? Fuckpig! Do I have to? I hate all that speaking in public. I wont force you too, obviously, but I think itd be good for everyone to know, and good for you. I could see why youd be a bit shy about it but, bloody hell, believe me there are far greater issues to worry about than that and there are plenty of people here with far greater problems. Youre one of the most intelligent guys here you know that, I really trust you and your opinions, and I think the others could learn a lot from you. But anyhow, I wont put you on the spot or anything, but just have a think. As soon as Giles had left, Frank wasted no time in telling Angus everything he knew, the trekkers sighting reassuring him that he could now retell Carmelas version of events with some confidence. Angus took the information with the doughty disposition of a man who had 55 years of life experience at the very highest stress level possible. His calm and reassuring nature was greatly appreciated by Frank, especially with a slightly more highly strung Ruby expected any time soon. Before Angus could offer his Scottish nuggets of wisdom, Ruby had arrived, and the first thing Frank felt compelled to comment upon was how calm all three of them seemed to be given the magnitude of the situation they were facing. He understood that it was a state of mind theyd have to maintain, and he gushed and declared that he
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couldnt be happier with the support team that he had around him. Ruby immediately jumped in to offer opinion. They saw someone, Frank when they were out, you know that? Who told you that? I asked them to keep that quiet, said Frank. Oh no, they are they just came to see me to tell me, just think they wanted to tell someone, you know what theyre like with gossiping its all theyve got around here at times. They thought it was okay just telling me, I think, as they knew you would anyway. Okay okay, fine, said Frank. What I dont get is the whole concept and how it was put to you that these people are primarily here to be corrected. Thats the only thing that gave you the motivation in the end to come here isnt it? said Ruby. It was the money wasnt it that was my motivation, lets not skirt that disgusting fact. It wasnt, was it. I dont believe youd be here now if they were a bit more honest with you about what it entailed. In fact I know you wouldnt be. If youd have known all this and theyd have offered you ten million pounds I still think you would have said no. Anyhow, now it seems that if they cant be corrected what theyre just going to stay here and rot on Muta for life as if theyre no value to their society? What are they telling their families? said Ruby. I know, theres so much unanswered right now, replied Frank. Ill level wi you Frank, Im fuckin appalled by it all, an you know me I hate swearin but looke, th key is theres no time for us to dwell here, to do anything other than formulate what were gonna do now, said Angus. Frank agreed, and acknowledged that there were potentially lives at risk. Ive been thinking, said Frank. We know something they dont, which puts us at an advantage and Im so up for this fight. Ive got adrenalin surging around my body and one thing I refuse to do is return to Earth without everyone here by my side. Im your leader and as such Ill be the last to leave. Missing my kids is killing me, but theyre all intelligent enough to see the bigger picture and Im
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going make sure they know the situation, I can trust them. Whatever option or deal or whatever we come up with, I just couldnt live with myself if we didnt sort this whole situation out. And please dont look at me like that, he said, noting Rubys puppy dog eyes. Im not some kind of messiah or humanitarian angel for stating that, fuck me Ive got my faults and Ive proved that repeatedly since weve been here. Bloody Angus has made a difference to people throughout his life, hes the one you should be looking at with those eyes. Ruby playfully switched her gaze to Angus and provided some light relief, though Frank was still uncomfortable enough with the positive light shining on him that he instinctively tried to dim it further. Frankie, lets jist concentrate on going forward, said Angus, turning the light off completely. This is a huge decision. Our welfares at stake and everythin that needs to be considered has an effect on the future of every single person on Muta. An you know what? Theres no man Id rather have makin these decisions than yerself, I genuinely mean that. I dont know why, I shouldnt really have that faith in ye given yer sometimes flaky disposition, yer scatterbrain ramblin, yer tendency to Alright, settle down! said Frank, managing a grin. How are we going to play this then? Lets all have a think. I really want to let everyone here know the score tomorrow if possible, especially with them spotting someone on their trek thats a secret they wont be able to keep for long, so well have to act fast. We could do with speaking to others here on Muta and finding out more. We need to know exactly what were facing. Id say thats not for consideration now, speaking to others. We need to concentrate on getting more time to work things out Frank, said Ruby. What, you mean more time here? On Muta? said Frank. In a few days theyre going to come and try and split us up arent they? Or theyre at least going to do or tell us whats going on. What if we can stay in control, what if we dictate something to them, about wanting to stay a bit longer? Thats good thinking, lassie, said Angus.
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We could even tell them well stay for an extra three months or something, as a bargaining tool, then all return when everyones fully rehabilitated, said an excited Ruby. I get where youre coming from Rubes, but thats not their plan is it? Weve already established that it seems some people will be left to rot up here for who knows how long, forever maybe, reasoned Frank. Course, sorry I forgot. Dont apologise. Its a credit that you forgot they can be this outrageous. As a society we shouldve seen it coming. Totalitarian governments, big brother always watching you, all that, it was probably not ever that ludicrous a notion was it, when you think about it a scheme like this. Especially when you consider the US and China have apparently been doing it before us. But then Carmela was allowed back perfectly fine, so they must have a plan for that or something. God, I hope she rings back Ive thought of a hundred more things I want to ask her. Do you reckon there are towns full of criminals here? Its what it would suggest isnt it? If theyve got to the point where people with so-called undesirable personalities have been sent here, then surely criminals and the like would have been the first to have been shunted out? We cant speculate about that yet, Frankie, levelled Angus, before giving his backing to Rubys plan and stating that securing extra time now had to be the priority. I agree entirely. Just got to pray that they get in touch first. We could do with someone manning the phone 24/7 at the moment, what with a potential phone call from either Carmela or Keith on the horizon. Ill see if Eddie will do it maybe. Its not going to be fun revealing this to everyone is it, said Frank, now positively pacing. Theyll be fine Frank! Theyll be better than you think with it, I promise you. They might even come up with some ideas themselves, theyll realise were all in this together. said Ruby. Shes a wise one Frankie, makes sense, said Angus. I know, I know, her heads perfectly proportioned as it is though, so lets not go overboard, said Frank. Anyway Im starvin so Im jist gonna go and grab some food. So its all sorted for th moment? Tell everyone tomorrow that
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were gonna try and stay on for a while, then trick th government, overthrow them then you lead the country an change th face of th world forever. Ill be sleepin well tonight people! said Angus, his meddling accompanied by a wink so big his eye seemed to move into the lower half of his face. Angus rhetoric left Frank with an excitable Ruby on his hands and, surprising even himself, he found her childlike enthusiasm a little annoying. As he dampened her enthusiasm he reminded her how far away they were from things sailing smoothly. He also promised to stipulate that allowing Ruby to speak to her family would be a prerequisite to any arrangement he could broker. Their incredibly tumultuous day finally came to an end when both remembered and acknowledged in good humour that a romantic meal didnt now suit the menu given the more pressing circumstances at hand.

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- TWENTY FOUR -

CAGEY LOGISTICS
The project end date was now constantly looming large in Franks mind. Though he was aware that this was probably not a pivotal date for the majority of those in Clashton, it was nonetheless heightening his sense of urgency. Hed personally summoned everyone to attend the meeting later that day. It was partly so he could allow an overworked Eddie to sleep off his graft, but also so he could check on the mood of everyone there and tailor his speech accordingly. On his door-to-door route he was largely confronted by smiling and accommodating faces. Trying to maintain a similarly worry-free disposition became challenging as increasingly the banter focused on the home comforts theyd encounter upon their return to Earth. Just over an hour later Frank was stood in front of his crowd. He started his address with calculated exaggeration the same tactic having worked when it came to placating Ruby. He then pleaded for everyones attention as launched into his speech. He breezed through a summary of the key developments and decided to let the facts speak from themselves and so that residents could make up their own minds and, Frank hoped, proffer suggestions. In informing them of the news that it was likely that only some of them would be allowed back to Earth at the end of so-called Project Hush, he deliberately stressed that they were all in this predicament together. He told them how much he feared for their freedom if they were to return with the situation as it was, and stressing that secretly
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knowing this information might be an advantage. In short, he wasnt forcing upon them his ideas about the right course of action to take, but instead he was carefully hinting that some drastic course of action needed to be taken with the hope that they themselves would come to the same conclusion. As he invited comments and questions at the end of his fiveminute talk he was nervous, regretful and sweaty-palmed. Worst of all, he felt like a sheepish politician having to apologise for the outrageous actions of his peers. What are you saying? That we can go back and expose them? said Louis. Its a thought. We know things that they dont know we know, that could put us at an advantage. Has no one else got any comments, observations, questions? Franks question was met with silence, which entirely baffled him as he was presiding over the largest attendance yet for one of the meetings. Anyway if you all want to discuss it, think about it, sleep on it, then well meet again tomorrow. Obviously we need to think and act unbelievably quickly now, tried Frank again. Surprisingly it was Clarence, brandishing a neckerchief in the air, who supplied an interjection. Yoo-hoo Frank! It seems clear that we need to find out more about this surely? The more we can find out about what exactly is going on here, the more we can think about what to do next. I dont see whod want to go back home unless we know were not going to be treated horribly, Clarence said speedily. My thoughts exactly Clarence, but thatd obviously involve all of us staying on a bit longer. Would anyone object to this? Actually, dont tell me now, just think about it overnight and well talk about it again tomorrow. But please, please, please say if you are, or come and see me in private and tell me. I understand some of you might have situations back home that will influence your decision and thatd make it impossible for you to stay on for a bit, if so fair enough. Really think about it though, because Ive got to say Id think its pretty poor if youre happy to go home and live the rest of your life under the
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conditions I mentioned, and also leave other people here stranded. Thats it then, Ill see you all again here same time tomorrow. Frank, how long would we be staying for? asked the towering Julian. I cant say for certain right now. We will need to see who else is here on Muta, get a sense of the size of the project and establish whether or not we might be able to ally with them. I suppose maybe a month or two max, maybe a lot quicker depending on when and if Carmela can ring back with more information. Extra time would allow us all to formulate a decent plan on how to make all of our lives better when we do return to Earth. I wouldnt want any one of you to return and experience the same conditions as Carmela. They know me, they know that given the opportunity Id pull the plug on this as soon as I got back. so how they intend to silence us, I just dont know. Also, Ruby piped up, if anyone of you lot has any other ideas maybe as to how to go about this situation, then speak to me or Frank. Frank was keen to get whatever ideas he could off you lot, then well see what decision and course of action we can all come up with. Frank then quickly batted away a couple more logistical queries before making a hasty exit. Although not a fan of camp, at that moment Frank felt like skipping through the exit door singing YMCA and setting up camp in Clarences doorway, so grateful was he that the idea of staying on was proposed by someone other than himself. Initially he was encouraged that the idea of staying on had met with such little opposition. But, as the afternoon turned into evening, and spare time turned into thinking time, his mind played out a familiar wrestle in trying to assess why there was not more comment or objection to the plans. Were they in shock? Were their lives actually somehow worse back on Earth? Why hadnt Ruby been to see him that evening? He was sure shed have been riled enough by his conduct to warrant a visit. Was she at Phils? Dont be ridiculous, he finally told himself before gladly returning from his evening walk with Floyd to find company in his apartment in the form of Eddie. As he went to sleep that night and arose the next morning, the same questions resurfaced and Frank made addressing such questions the main goal of the meeting that day. He also pondered and prayed
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for a phone call, preferably from Carmela, still not sure how hed react on hearing Keiths voice. As usual Frank was talking out loud to Floyd in between planning how hed play out both phone calls in order to maximise his time. An hour went by and, as if by some divine intervention, the phone rang from the back room in his apartment. Frank sprinted to the phone, before arriving and taking a good three seconds to compose himself and lift the receiver. As he slowly put the receiver to his ear his mind was saying please be Carmela, please be Carmela. Frank, sorry its been so long, we were just trying to sort everything out our end, logistically. Keith, thank God. I might be able to help you there with the logistics. Really? We were going to come up for you in about a week, I think, said Keith, his enthusiasm already riling Frank. I was thinking about that this craft that transports people to and from here doesnt seem to carry that many people, so youve got other crafts I assume, also on their way? Well just concentrate on getting you and, who was that girl, Ruby? Get you two back and then sort the rest out after. Frank was secret furious but tried to remain composed. As I was saying, were making good progress with everyone here and getting somewhere I think. I was thinking we could maybe stay on for a while longer, so we can try and make further inroads, maybe save you lot a problem as well, with the logistics. Really? Well done Frank. I cant imagine itll be a problem, Ill check for you. Its not a problem though for us logistically. Weve been taking a lead from the US and China and their system works. Not a problem with integrating everyone back into society? Yes itd all work fine. I cant go into too much detail about it as I havent got much time. Well brief you when you get back, but if you want to delay that process for a while thats absolutely fine. How long you thinking, is everyone there fine with staying on longer? I dunno, maybe a month or two. Ill speak to them, I assume it isnt a problem, then if one or two want to come home I assume theyll
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be able to? said Frank almost robotically so as not to show emotion. It should be fine Frank, it does depend a bit on who though no actually, let us know, it should be fine, replied Keith. Keep in touch a bit more then if you can as well, as well have to play it by ear. Maybe you could call once a week if possible? Also, Ill have to talk to my family, obviously, as soon as possible. Ideally Id like to speak to them today or tomorrow. Also, Ruby needs to talk to her family properly. You really like her, eh Frank? No keeping a good man down. What? Can you do all that for me? Frank pushed again. Of course, Ill get your family together to talk to you tomorrow. And Ill try and get someone from Rubys lot too. Ill also speak to everyone else here fronting up the project, but Im sure theyll be fine with your request to stay on. Well sort out the money upon your return. Thanks, said Frank. I dont want any more money though honestly, thats fine. One more thing, regarding provisions. Can someone visit soon with more food and drink? Just the basics, actually. Frank received his assurances and confirmed the current date back on Earth before being told of a planned trip about to leave anyway. If that statement saw his face redden slightly the next one had him on the brink of explosion. Wed like to send a few more people up to you if you can handle it? said Keith. What, just for a month or two or whatever? Yes, youre obviously doing great with them all Frank, so One last thing quickly Keith, before we speak tomorrow, what exactly have you told the families involved in this? The families of the people who are here, the residents? As I said Frank, Ive a meeting now so cant go into detail or anything. It varies person-to-person, but be assured we tried to ensure that what we told them was as pain-free as possible. Its only in a couple of cases that weve told them nothing, and also some of the people there had no family really to speak of. Fuckin hell Keith! Jesus, so some of these people are just down as missing?
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No its not that brutal. Weve got a whole list of things set up which explain where theyve been and all that. Frank was quickly losing his cool, and lost the flow of his original script while struggling to assess the right way to act. With everything to be continued he decided the best course of action was to terminate the conversation. He actually felt some empathy towards Keith and the government because they were being, on the face of it, so nice and reasonable towards him. He also knew deep down that there was no way he himself would be improperly treated at any point in the process. Concluding that incited his sense of injustice even further, to the extent that, minutes later, he was apologising to Floyd for an impatient response to his want for attention. Frank was undoubtedly a morning person, but he was at his peak as he opened the meeting with all the residents that afternoon, still riled up sufficiently from his phone call with Keith to attack the meeting with controlled gusto. The turnout was predictably the biggest yet, word having spread across Clashton of their potential plight. Frank arrived twenty minutes before everyone else and, as he observed all and greeted most coming into the social club hall, he couldnt think of one resident who wasnt present. After swiftly describing the content of his phone call to Keith, he was keen to stress the importance of their contributions moving forward. All of you are aware of the situation, and yet when I asked you the other day well, when Ruby did about you having some input, since then none of you have come to see me. In short I need your help. Ive got ideas whizzing round my head about what to do, but aside from that what bothers me more is the fact that none of you have offered anything. I need to know where youre coming from and what your thinking is on this. Frank, without wishing to blow too much smoke up your arse, to push this on a bit, I think we havent suggested anything because we trust youll know what to do, and that youll do the right thing. You know us all better than these fuckin governmental jokes back on
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Earth. To me, to all of us, youre better than them, so we need you to come up with something. No pressure old boy, said Louis. Thats unfair, he cant do it all on his own! protested Ruby. Frank was rocked by the vocal agreement to Louis original comment. Rocked because he felt genuinely humbled, rocked as he realised the pressure he was under, but most forcibly rocked by their inability to learn from his previous lesson on the subject about believing in their own abilities. Im honestly humbled everyone by your belief in my ability, but as I said were all in this together, and I do think you can all be a real help. Back to ego again really, remember that? Ego, perspective and honesty. I was thinking about this the other day, and you know the thing that sickens me about it all? The irony, I guess, in a way. Its like these celebrities that I hear so many of you banging on about all the time, which is understandable as theyre thrown in our faces 24/7. But you seem to revere these people. Its almost as if you think theyre superior to you. Most of these people are entirely out of touch with reality. Most are entirely pointless human beings who offer nothing to humanity. Some so-called celebrities, yes theyre geniuses some musicians actors and the like but those who seem to be buzzing about everywhere now are those who had the express ambition when they were younger just of being famous. Have some quality control and look up to those who are talented and not those flies who are just thrust in your face all the time because they tickled someones balls on a reality TV show somewhere. Those people didnt want to be valued for their skills and intellect and they didnt want to make a positive difference to peoples lives. They didnt want to develop a talent, they merely wanted to be famous. And more often than not theyre the ones who are then so fame hungry and deluded that they become lodged up their own arse. I know all of you here well enough to tell you that every single one of you here is a more worthwhile person than any of those celebrities. You have better values, youre more grounded, more real, you have better characters, you are funnier, more moralistic, and yet you dont seem to believe in yourselves. Believe in yourselves, youre intelligent people, you can help me out here, come up with ideas yourselves, and we can do all that whilst having the kind of fun
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that these people, these so-called celebrities, cant do. Most of those people cant take jokes, they cant have the piss taken out them, or take the piss out of themselves. Imagine what a horrible, friendless existence that is, and how deluded and pathetic their lives must be. I better stop this rant else Ill be here all night, but just think how we can do all this. I know its horrible being away from Earth, people you know, things like that, but if we stay on and find out more, just for a couple of months, then we might and I mean might, its no guarantee but we might be able to make it a bit more pleasant when we do all go back, and I mean ALL of us going back by the way. Frank, I think a lot of us here actually enjoy the life here as much as we did back home. A lot of us didnt exactly get a fair crack of the whip back on Earth. Also, Im with Louis, if you think this is the best way to play it then well go with that, I will anyway, said Ken. Thanks Ken, from you especially, thanks, said Frank, his emotionally apologetic delivery clear for all to see. What the fuck are we gonna do for these extra couple of months though? I dont get it, said Jeremy. Im not so sure I can last another couple of months here, Frank without a good woman. Though there are plenty of good women here so maybe, someone? said Nigel. Why cant you just get an imagination and host the six-inch Olympics? Ive been to the host city about three times a day lately! interrupted Tarqney. What difference wul it make stayn, Frank lad? Am fuckn dyin ter get me elastic bands onna pastie from Greggs, me, said Sonia. Looke everyone, stayin on here for a bit will help us explore. If we can find out the extent of this project then mebbe we could overthrow th government or somethin! Howd you all like that Frankie as yer prime minister, eh? added Angus. Itd be perfect! said Ruby, with a timing that made it look as though their performance was rehearsed. Frank managed to dampen down the flames to that end before stressing to everyone the need to make their decision as to whether they would like to stay or go over the next couple of days, littering his speech with notions of teamwork and togetherness, before revealing
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they might have a few newcomers amongst them if they do decide to stay. Ooh lets hope its some fit men eh Gracie. Starved we are Frank, ideal if juss fer a month or two an all, reasoned Sonia. Fit but not common dough Sonn, lets aim high! said Grace. Hold on, look at the bevy of beautiful men youve got to pick from here! Not that Im encouraging that by the way God, any complications like that is the last thing we could do with at the moment, said Frank. Last of the romantics isnt he, said Ruby. I do get the impression though that the government would bend over to accommodate whatever we ask for at the moment so any more provisions needed going forward and Ill see what I can do. What about a shooter, Frankie? said Vince with vigour. We can do without that I think Vince. Real men carry two guns on them at all times anyway, said Frank, looking down at each bicep with comic intent. Nah, proper genuine. We daant know who were gonna come across. Shooters, walkie talkies, stuff to communicate like that will surely elp, said Vince. No, again its a good point, and something I hadnt thought of. See this is why I needed your help. Shall we wrap things up for now. Franks request met with very little opposition, mainly because what hed thrown at them had created a tired atmosphere amongst the residents. The emotional stress of the whole situation had taken its toll on most of them and it had manifested itself as the need for siestas rather than the need to engage in chat or debate. Ruby, in newsreader mode, tried to initiate firstly inane, and secondly meaningful, chat with Frank as soon as the meeting had ended, and even hinted at coming over to his that night. However, like everyone else he could think no further than an afternoon nap and so politely suggested hed probably decline. On the walk back, he felt almost overwhelmed with guilt, realising that he had left Floyd at home without a second thought. That guilt was muscled out of the way by the thought of the comforting warmth of his bed, only for that thought to be muscled aside by guilt again when he saw Eddie traipsing off to work with Perry.
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In reality, Frank didnt get a moments sleep that afternoon and also got very little that night. The magnitude of the situation was occasionally getting to him but it was more the fact that he was having to bounce a hundred options and scenarios around in his head. He finally settled at about 4am and awoke at 8am, the spring in his step disgusting him as he remembered how his grandparents had told him that Maggie Thatcher used to breathe her deadly fire fuelled by exactly that amount of sleep.

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- TWENTY FIVE -

WAXING LYRICAL
Frank spent no time that morning indulging in his usual rituals. Bowl of drywall out of the way, he zipped Floyd into his walking attire and out of the door quicker than a trained mother of seven. Still in a state of tiredness that bordered on delirium, he broke into whistle as he started off on his morning rounds, half hoping that the early start and the distraction of Floyd would combine to get the day off to a slightly smoother start. He was in such a daze that he had no planned route on his travels, and thus the first apartment he called at was Marcel and Gaynors. Gaynor was sat out on the grass as he arrived. Frank, hi! Glad youve come, can you come inside a sec? demanded Gaynor. Course, thats why Im here. You okay with Floyd coming in? Course I am! Oh little Floydy boy, oh is he a good boy? Yes he is, isnt he, hes a good, good boy, said Gaynor with a smother. As Frank entered, there was no sign of Marcel and he was intrigued by their sleeping arrangements. For someone so obsessed with scientific fact, Frank still managed to occasionally feed off gossip like Floyd secretly did off the overflowing waste site the government had provided in Clashton. No Marcel? he asked. No, no hes here, hell be in in a bit. Anyway weve been meaning to talk to you. Sounds ominous!
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No, its not really. Problem is not a problem, it could be the exact opposite for you, actually but I think were going to have to return home if thats okay. Marcel, you want to come in here and tell Frank why? Sure, two secs! shouted Marcel from what Frank had deduced was a shared bedroom. The two seconds turned out to be about eight seconds, but the eight seconds were then dwarfed by about twelve seconds of silence from Frank as he struggled to formulate an answer as to what stood before him, Marcel now being stood before him. What the thats brilliant! What is it, a real-life miracle or something? Or have you just been putting it on all along and sponging off the Muta state? laughed Frank. Haha! Its no miracle, I did have a little feeling in my legs, have done since the accident I told you that and I had some surgery on my nerves just before we left. But then about a month or so ago I just naturally went to get up out of my wheelchair and my legs supported me! I didnt even realise for a few seconds what had happened! Thats incredible! Im really, genuinely happy for you, from my heart, and I dont get that feeling often. Hold on, a month youve known this for? Why the hell didnt you say anything? Because of the circumstances the day it happened. It was in the evening one day that it happened, when we got back here after tea. That afternoon Tania and Nigel came to see me. Shed been on at us for ages that she wanted us to be blessed as she thought it could lead to us being healed. Gaynor went along with it and they kept on and on so I let them do it that afternoon. Lo and behold that evening, this happened. Obviously it was 100% the biggest example of coincidence thats ever happened, but I just didnt want to add fuel to their fire really by going around shouting about it. God, thats unbelievable, Im made up, I really am. Makes you think, though, a bit, doesnt it? No Frank, to be honest it doesnt make me think and if youre honest, Im sure it doesnt with you either. Anyway, the reason that me and Gaynor need to go home really is because I need to go to my doctor. I know Dr Scope is here but I want to see my doctor, he
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knows everything about the condition, and also I cant be doing with his music. Ha! Its a bit much at times. Of course, Ill tell Keith that youre going to go back, should be pretty soon I guess. Well all be sorry to see you go but hopefully well be joining you in not so long, this situation heres just I dunno, said Frank philosophically. As Gaynor said I reckon we can help you with that. Wed have definitely stayed, got to kind of like it here. You, and everyone else, treated us normally, like one of the community and we just dont get that back on Earth. Maybe you tiptoed around us a bit at the start but you soon learned and most people dont! Do you want to tell him, love? It was all her idea. Sure, said Gaynor. What we were thinking Frank is that you said youre waiting to hear back from Carmela to tell you more. That could be the key to your safety, to everyones safety, to everyone getting back to Earth and leading a better life than whats in store for them now. I entirely agree, so So who better to be able to wrap deluded politicians round our finger than two helpless cripples? said Marcel. Rrrright, I still need this broken down, Im half asleep, sorry. One day Frank, this MP came round to the rehabilitation centre that me and Gaynor were at, I dont know why, just a look at me I like disabled people exercise I guess. The way he treated us was the most offensive thing Ive ever experienced in my life. He was so patronising, treated us like children, do you remember Gayn he practically patted us on the fuckin head. Always stuck with me that, so if weve got the chance to help you and at the same time help bring them down then Im all over it! fired Marcel. Sounds about right, said Frank, theyre socially pathetic people most of them. They just dont know how to act in situations that are foreign to them and with most being lily-livered public schoolboys most situations are foreign to them. Im not sure Im convinced by your plan as it stands, tell me more. Frank, itd honestly be so easy, thered be no risk, said Gaynor. Like Marcel said, politicians are scared to offend people like us and treat us like children, thus we can get away with anything. We could
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easily blag our way into their office and find out more about this project for you, far more easily than Carmela could. Were both up for it as well and, to be perfectly honest, well need your help. You cant stop us from here on Muta, so any help or hints you can offer will be appreciated. We shouldnt underestimate them, thats all, said a choked Frank. Scared to offend they may be, but backed into a corner they can be pretty vicious some of them and they might make your lives horrible in a whole host of ways. If you insist, then obviously itd be a great help. But just use your brains and suss it out. As soon as you get back, go and see Carmela and speak to her and suss out if its do-able. If you dont want to do it then please dont; if you still want to and go down there, then just suss it out. Again, if its too dangerous just get out of there straightaway. Well be fine Frank, and well be doing this as much for ourselves as for you, we love a challenge, assured Marcel. Charming! said Frank. lll speak to Keith later, and will brief you more about the logistics soon. And thanks, the pair of you. Youve both been absolute superstars since the moment we came up here. Aside from Marcel and Gaynor, by far the overwhelming response was the option of staying on, and any concern was swiftly extinguished by his logical responses and pact of them all being in it together. He needed the same extinguisher to dampen down the passions of many of the residents. They had seemingly been convinced by someone that this was the first step towards Frank going back to Earth and taking over the world with his revolutionary ideas. He was finding it hard work, not liking that shade of the limelight, and it led to a tense conversation with Ruby about halfway through his round. He found it impossible to be unreasonable with her, but his clearly perturbed demeanour clashed with her manic enthusiasm, leading to a difficult encounter. It left both of them continuing upon their way baffled and questioning their feelings for one another. Not long after that Franks round was complete and he accompanied a tired and plodding Floyd back to his apartment. His brain now running at full capacity, and he decided to concentrate on the positives of how some of the residents had told him theyd
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developed since being there rather than the negative of a slight altercation with Ruby. Frank felt this was a mature thing to focus on, as not long after he faced his phone call with Keith. It went as smoothly as hed anticipated. His only challenge came from within, as Keiths increasingly submissive response to Franks requests further convinced him what they both already knew that at its core Franks decision to stay on was a huge favour and relief to the government. His wrath, combined with Keiths overly compliant and accommodating nature, led to Frank pushing his demands as far as he possibly could. He was almost challenging Keith to dare enter into argument with him. He threw in an early sweetener by announcing that he wanted not a penny extra for his extra time, before hitting them with a barrage of requests. Two minutes later hed secured Marcel and Gaynors lift home, with an assurance that theyd be treated with special care. He knew that, practically speaking, it was the last thing they wanted but he was also aware that Keith would not have understood a more nuanced approach. One minute after that, he was promised that hed soon be the recipient of a shiny new gun, and a minute after that he was permitted to speak to his family later that day and again the day after. Frank was pre-empting their concern and disappointment with the whole situation. With all of his demands now somewhat annoyingly met, for a man bursting with argumentative adrenalin, Frank had to then take a back seat as he was told that Rubys family were present and ready to talk to her. Shed only just arrived and, in his hurry to give her some privacy, Frank conducted an awkward jig out of the way of the phone and out of the door, summoning Floyd as he went. As Ruby took her emotional call, Frank was pacing around well out of earshot, not wanting to subject his brain to any further taxing in the immediate future. As he did so, he bumped into Louis pottering around outside his apartment and he proved the perfect buffer for Franks exasperation. So Frankie, have you spoken to them? Whats the verdict? And how are the kids? asked Louis.
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Im speaking to them later. My youngest daughters off gallivanting somewhere now. Ive spoken to Keith. Were clear to stay from their point of view, but fuck me it was hard having to bite my tongue. Its the right decision Frank, if you can stay. I dont think youve taken into account just how outraged some of us are here, none of it directed towards you by the way. Im sure some people here arent missing their lives on Earth that much, but a lot of us are God, Ive been battling with myself all through my time here to try and stay positive. Fuck me Frank Im entirely normal. Im honest in how I go about my job and most aspects of my life I hope but thats not an affliction, its not something I cant control. In truth, I consciously did it with my job as I thought itd be my angle an honest estate agent and its worked as well. But I can be trusted, I can keep secrets, things like that. I like to think Im pretty sharp and I like to think I could help you. Id love nothing more than to stick it to these arseholes. Im sorry, I know, its just hard to equate sometimes, reasoned Frank. Some people here do have some clear personality disorders, some dont some even have purely physical disorders. I just, Ive been guilty, havent I of grouping you in together? I suppose it was exactly what my much loved foes back at parliament did in setting all this up. I was told before we got here that families would be informed that they were being sent here and looked after, not put through any undue stress stuff like that. And that everyone would return and then theyd decide what direction to go in. Absolute lying scumbags, the lies just keep totting up, eh. Why didnt I question things more, really push it? The way they presented it all was so disjointed and sloppy, there were so many things I shouldve questioned and pursued that I didnt, I was thinking about it in bed last night. Good job youre not sharing that bed with anyone then, Christ. Sure youve made mistakes but theyre not terminal ones really, and anyone wouldve made similar or worse mistakes. Its a ridiculous situation, unbelievable if you werent actually living it. Youre a good man Louis. If you want to come and meet us tomorrow, and join Ruby, Angus, and me then youd be welcome. Four heads are better than three. Theres a hell of a lot to work out, with where to go from here.
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Sure, one other thing Frank I hang around with Charles quite regularly, do you not think he should be involved in all this? The mans a genius when hes sober and I think if you could just keep him on the straight and narrow you could utilise him. Frank agreed entirely before formulating plans for a few of them to meet the following day. Frank was careful to highlight that a potential hierarchy must never be perceived in Clashton. The brief discussion had lifted Franks spirits, though they took a slight downturn as he entered back into his apartment to see a pensive-looking Ruby already off the phone. Howd it go, not good? asked Frank. No, it was just odd really, the whole scenario. I dunno it just didnt seem right they didnt seem right, Mum and Alex. Alex is your brother? Sorry, I didnt even know that. No its fine. They also listened in, said they had to or something. What, Keith did? God, scumbag! He submitted to my every demand when I spoke to him. He tried to brief me as well Frank, before Mum came online. Said to tell them that Im fine, that Ill be back in a month or two and will explain everything then. And Elliot wasnt there either, Mum didnt say why. God Im sorry. So youre up for it then, youre clear to stay? Im sure an extra month or two wont do any harm, Ruby said with an awkward bow of the head. Its just they seemed completely cool with it, which was a bit odd. You cant dwell on little things like that Rubes, honestly, I tell myself that all the time. And an extra month or two wont do any harm? Frank said passionately. Youre the one whos had me convinced that its going to do the opposite, a world of good for everyone. I really need that belief off you, otherwise Im not sure. Its alright, its alright, Im still on board! Ruby said, revelling in Franks neediness. Formalities concluded, Frank sat down with only Floyd for company and began to plan for the phone call with his three daughters and Judy. Frank even took to writing down the key subjects to broach, taking care not to enquire more about the well
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being of one family member than the other and not wanting to let emotion get the better of him for numerous reasons. Most of his best laid plans to maintain a robotic disposition disappeared about an hour later when he first had an infuriating briefing from Keith, before then hearing the dulcet tones of his eldest daughter Emily. Pulling himself together, his phone call was going entirely smoothly. Frank was managing to strike the perfect balance between not divulging too much information but pressing the right hint buttons to the people he was closest to. In effect, he got the nod of approval from Emily, his middle daughter Lynne, and his sister Judy, whilst also being wholly satisfied that their well-being was not being at all compromised. He then spoke to his youngest daughter Jess, the one who everyone said looked most like Frank, and the one whod most inherited the characteristics which were a feature of Franks mischievous youth. He started with a specially prepared little diatribe. It was an honest and heartfelt script purposely littered with jokes as Frank suspecting that shed be the one most disgruntled but also the one most susceptible to his corny humour. Hey Dad? interrupted Jess. What, you want money sent from here? replied Frank with deadpan timing. No, were fine for money. Dad, first of all dont overreact. Jess, what? Not pregnancy? You still with that Jabs character? No, God no. Im not pregnant and Im not with him, in the end he was a bit of a creep actually. What, he didnt try it on with you, did he? Try it on with me? Im 18 Dad, Id dump him if he didnt! God dont talk like that. Why was he a creep? Did he force himself on you or something? Because if No, God, he was a bit sleazy thats all, harmless though. Youre going to be such a knobhead with what Im about to tell you I just know it. So please try not to be, its no big deal honestly. Go on. Ive been fainting a bit recently, kind of once or twice a week.
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For how long? How long for, how long has it been going on? Its only twenty seconds or something, its been for the last month or two. What, and youve only thought to tell me now? Have you had it checked out? It could be panic attacks, have they considered that? I had them quite a bit when I was younger and I think its genetic. Dad dont fret, I feel fine other than that, honestly. Thats even worse if you have no other symptoms surely? Ive been to the doctors, and they were a bit worried about it, so theyre sending me for an MRI scan. Oh for fucks thats it then, Im coming home, simple as that. Ill get back as soon as I can. Did Keith know about this? You know the government guy? No, no Dad, he didnt know, no one knows other than us lot, and anyway, as I said its not a big deal. Its just precautionary and they said its probably nothing really. I dont want you coming home, youre staying on for a bit? I guessed that, we all did, its fine, Jess said, her teenage attitude evident in her voice. I was going to sweetie, just for an extra month or so. Speak to Emily, shes probably deduced the reasons why, I just wanted to finish the job properly here, thats all, but I cant say Then stay, please. We know how much you miss us, but this sounds important so you have to look at the bigger picture. God, if its only a month or two I probably wont have had that scan by then anyway, they stressed it wasnt a priority. Not a priority? Bloody hell, no doubt some 93 year-old with a cough is more of a priority. Im still not sure about this. If I stay I promise Ill explain why when I get back, and I promise Ill look after you to make up for it, and youve got to promise that you ring me as soon as you know any more. Actually, Ill speak to Keith and you can ring me once a week til I come home. I will if that can be arranged, but please dont worry, were all fine. I wish I hadnt told you I knew youd be dramatic! Its hardly dramatic is it, in the circumstances. Anyway, hows everything else? Youre on your summer holidays now, working I hope?
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Angst out of the way, Frank and Jess resorted to dissing, mocking, and joshing each other to ensure that both felt that some sort of normality had returned to their relevant situations before the call ended. To Franks great relief, he managed to grab a word with Keith at the end of the call and got instant agreement to his request to hear from his family once a week. This, in turn, reinforced his hope that his calls werent being listened into. He knew the news about Jess well-being not being so well was something he couldnt afford to dwell on. Thus he allowed himself five minutes intense dwelling before vowing, to Floyd, that hed dwell no more and instead concentrate on another pivotal meeting with the residents that evening. The dwelling came to an end with a dumbfounded Floyd taking a flurry of short-armed jabs to his shoulder. Scopezhunch boy, what you reckon? jabbed Frank. Come on, lets go and see our MC. He was relieved to find the music at a low level and, after giving him a summary of Jess potential plight, Frank got down to the business of grilling Dr Scope about Scopezhunch, finding him invitingly open. So this Scopezhunch, how exactly does it work? Would I need to get my daughter up here, because I reckon I could if need be, or maybe do it when we get back? Does it pinpoint when medical treatment may help to intervene? Thats basically all it is Frank. Its no miracle thing, and Im not a genius I rely on others really to make it work. Im not sure youll want to do it at all, youve got to think of the implications. Its just an in-depth medical study of someone, unbelievably in-depth, using doctors and the latest tests into their genetic make-up. I then put it all together and factor in every facet of their lifestyle and personality, and I guess Ive been lucky with the predictions so far. Ive predicted age of death for about twenty people all to within a year or two. One died in a car crash, but that was outside of my prediction parameters. So have any of the patients altered their lifestyle or whatever to deal with it?
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Ive never tried it on someone who could, but theoretically they could obviously, yes. But remember it doesnt take into account other incidents as well. It just helps to give a solid prediction of when someone will die if they continue their lifestyle as it is after the tests are done. Its entirely up to the patient how they go about living their life. Weve not yet told anyone their results. I would imagine families would start suing if someone died years before predicted from some kind of illness or something. All in all, it could be used I think to help act as a lifestyle guide, but theres a fear that itd all get a bit serious and too much credence placed by it, said the budding MC in an ironically serious manner. Anyhow, for a friend, you could look at maybe doing it for me? Not me personally my daughter actually, yes me personally as well, my diets appalling Id be interested to know if that registers or derails me a bit! I can do it for you no problem, and your daughter, but as I said dont place too much stock in it. And Ill do it back on Earth, Id fancy doing a more accurate one with all the information I could collate there. Anyhow, the meeting starts in a bit doesnt it, and Ive got a rap to finish, so if you dont mind Sure, Ill leave you to it. Dont you want to know what the verdict is likely to be on whether were staying or not? Everyone else I saw on the way over was on my case about it, said Frank. Well be staying Im sure. You know its the right thing and Im happy to, everyone is really. Plus Im really getting somewhere with my lyrics with all this spare time. Frank revealed nothing more as he realised how behind schedule he was, and dashed to get his notes for the meeting from home. In what seemed like a millisecond he was in front of the crowd, feeling considerable pride and a surprising desire to be everything a leader should be. So everyone, everyone, if I could just get your attention! shouted Frank, already having to control a more raucous crowd than usual. Ill get straight to the point. Basically, were gonna be staying on, said Frank, pausing for reaction but receiving little. The only people heading back will be Gaynor and Marcel, and thats for medical
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reasons. Ill speak to you two later, but I got the impression they could be going at some point in the next couple of days. Basically, as suspected they agreed to everything theres no James Bond coming up girls, sorry, but we have got some stuff coming thatll help us going forward. You get dat shooter Frankie? shouted Vince excitedly from the front row. Weve got stuff coming that should help, if needed. The main thing I wanted to say is that I dont know how were going to play this yet, or what exactly were gonna do here, but I do know that we need to explore, thats for sure. Well try and formulate a plan on that in the next couple of days and the one thing to really stress is that well all have to pitch in, well all have to be there for one another and any bickering or prejudices will have to be put aside. If we dont attack this as the greatest team in history, even better than Liverpools unbeatable winning streak in the 2040s, then our welfare, standard of living and even our lives may be in danger. Frank, what did they say about allowing some back and others not? Im happy to stay on if itll mean everyone can go home together, but was I one of the ones who wouldve been going home anyway? asked Duncan. His comment invoked a volley of abuse from three or four of the residents present, who felt his question was entirely selfish. No, I didnt mean it like that I was just wondering honestly added Duncan. No, its a fair question, said Frank. I couldnt and cant really ask them stuff like that though, because I dont want them to get suspicious. Remember, we know their plans, or at least what some of their plans were for some of us and what this whole projects about. We cant let on that we know that. I thought my daughter was going to be coming up here actually as well, but I dont think she is now. We cant have kids up here Frank, kids nowadays theyre just horrible, horrible, said Susie in a rare moment of opinion. As I said I dont think shes coming now. And actually Susie, Im sorry but Im sick of that attitude, of the raw press kids get nowadays. Theyve got no hope in their lives, thats the problem, its not that
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theyre born evil. Theyre not that bad, and you probably think it was so good in your day because you were young at the time, not because of the era. At least kids nowadays are multi-cultural, weve come on leaps and bounds in that sense. Most kids now are being brought up in a society where people realise that you dont have to be either homosexual or homophobic, that theyre not mutually exclusive shock horror. That concept was foreign to a lot of the older generation at the turn of the century. The world is still pretty amazing, this world we live in, and we are moving forward in a lot of ways. Even though I hate a lot of things, like the politics and the direction were going in, I dont ever forget that that there are still a lot of positives about society today. Frank, how do you see it working then, you must have a vague idea, what were going to do here? said Louis, with both Frank and himself knowing the question was being asked on behalf of others. I think other countries have bought other planets previously, so I guess everything suggests that they might be trying to move people to these places permanently. In their heads I suppose its to solve over-population and also get rid of who they might consider to be problem members of society, he said precariously. The comment preceded a good ten seconds of expletive ridden outbursts from most of the residents present, with Frank perfectly happy to let them vent such frustration, tempted even to join in. Im so sorry I wasnt aware, and you know how great I think youve been here, and I really mean that, Im not just blowing smoke up your arse. Id genuinely rather spend time with interesting characters like you than dull politicians, just preferably back on Earth, eh? I think 95% of the general public back home, and the world really, would be outraged by this whole concept. Thats why I just dont know, firstly how they have kept it quiet nor how they continue to do so around the world. Also I dont what contingency plans they have in case word does get out. The hope is that Carmela will be able to give us more information, said Frank, glancing at Gaynor and Marcel. We also have to take the initiative and explore more of Muta. We know others are here so we need to speak to them and find out how long, why, everything really. Initially thats what well try and plan for.
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Frank, if you took over, when we get back to Earth, how would things change then? asked someone from towards the back. It was a question Frank hadnt been expecting, and one which unsettled him slightly given its formal and political nature. In his fluster he didnt even seek to discover where the question had come from, instead addressing the wider audience. First off its ridiculous, Ive said that I wouldnt want to take over. Its also absurd that those circumstances would ever come about from this, so I dont know why youre all mentioning it. That said Ive always liked hypothetically answering this question so I dont mind doing that. First of all, you should know most of my views on most subjects as Ive been waxing lyrical about them since I arrived. Ill say! shouted Louis. Indeed. Back on Earth I was having to spend my life with these people, day in day out. It was just such a shallow, emotionally empty environment. I was surrounded by material mindless yuppies most of whom couldnt even remember the names of their so-called friends. The majority dont do it to make a difference, they do it for the prestige and power. The sentence produced a ripple of cheering and applause from the residents. I know most of them from the inside and they seem to share a conviction that they should run the world and thus stand for anything they feel will help them reach this goal, regardless of the moral implications. Politics and the system at every level is full of parasites like these. When I was a politician we once Was Frankie? You still are, arent you? said Louis. Did I say was? God, that says a lot doesnt it. Anyway, what was I saying? I cant remember, but how can they claim to care about the common man? You only live once and theyve basically ensured that unless youre as wealthy as they are, youll spend virtually your entire life grafting and struggling. Yous must have a fair bit o cash yourself dough, Frank? suggested Grace. Oh, Im more privileged than most, I dont claim that Im not. But other than giving money to charity, which I try to do a lot, and
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looking after my family, which everyone should do, Ive got no money to make a difference. Believe me, Ive got absolutely none saved up anywhere. Anything I get every month goes. Dyou know 20 out of the current 25 cabinet members are millionaires? Do you really think theyve got integrity and a strong desire to build a better world? Theyre just puppets for the corporations who really run things. At least Im openly advocating change which sets me apart a bit, because the rich in society generally fear change, probably because deep down they know the inherent injustice of their position. Its why Ive never fitted in with any of them, I havent got that kind of wealth, Im not cultured whilst theyre drinking champagne and trying to prise open an oyster, Im there drinking port from the bottle and trying to hack into a tin of spam. Fook me Frankie, now you talkin my language Ill share a tin o spam with you anytime! said Grace. Its a deal. People just dont need to waste money on stuff like that though do they, champagne and stuff? I dunno, I guess I suppose in the scale of things its doing no harm, it wouldnt make a big difference if they shopped at Asda instead of Waitrose and gave the spare change to a charity or something. Its the people that are unfathomably rich that get me, your actors, your footballers. The sums theyre on are just unbelievable. Unemployment is higher than ever and yet tens of thousands of people in this country earning more than 500,000 a year. Who needs more than that to live unbelievably comfortably? Any more is just disgusting excess. Set a wage cap where we can and create jobs elsewhere. Ive seen plans of this and it needs a massive restructure but, if implemented, itd lead to almost everyone in the country being in gainful employment, thus not being a drain on our benefits system. You could take it down to two million a year, which is still a ridiculous amount, then the majority of the excess goes to the Third World. I know its not as simple as that, but there must be some way of making that happen. There must be some way of taxing them or some loophole where you can take more than half of their wages and give the money to those who need it, or to medical science something like that. I know I bang on about it but everything can be brought back to education.
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If a lot more of the country were educated to a decent standard then there would be a lot more budding politicians to choose from, and those budding politicians could be educated middle and working classes. Educated people with backbone, thats what we need, and if more were educated, basically the cream would rise to the top whereas the MPs at the top now are smug spoonfed cats who got the cream. God, Im on fire arent I? God, that sounded wanky, Frankie, said Louis. Frank, Ill do my blitherstick! weather report if you want? asked Giles suddenly and loudly, his eyes closed through intense concentration. Yes good stuff! Sorry, I was waffling again. Giles will give you all a brief summary of the weather here really. We obviously know what its like day to day, its much the same, but Giles can say what the longterm chances of that changing are, not that thatll affect us believe me, but also Franks elongated introduction was tactfully cut short by Ruby who noted that Frank was in one of his hyper moods, and his hyper moods often induced the opposite out of his flagging audience. In truth, Franks introduction was longer than Giles speech itself, both the detail and number of his words kept to a minimum with painstakingly forceful effort by Giles. Just the gesture itself was enough to please Frank who had previously dismissed the likelihood of Giles joining the party. Thus, gratitude expressed, it was partying he had at the forefront of his mind as he briefly rattled through the timetable for the next couple of days. Right then, to sum up We know Frank! said a few of the residents in unison. No I was just thinking tomorrow evening we can have a few drinks in the club hall, to relax after these ridiculous few days, where youve all been great by the way. Itll also be a bit of a leaving do for Marcel and Gaynor Before Frank had a chance to waffle further, Ruby stepped in to spare everyone, primarily Frank, from anymore of his repetitive sighing Rights.
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Mentally shattered, Frank thanked Ruby and turned to see Grace and Sonia before him. Ay Frank, we juss wanted to say thanks. Youve been so sound towards us since weve been ere and I know youll look after us, said Sonia before grabbing a flustered Frank almost into a headlock and awkwardly plunging her hands around his hips. Look how uncomfortable he is with hugging, Ruby whispered loudly. Were not great huggers in my family. Werent actually my daughters nowadays would hug a flea if they could get their hands on it. Other than my daughters I think virtually everyone Ive hugged I think that I almost see hugging as leading to sexual contact, said Frank, receiving a swift punch to the arm from Ruby in the process. Its true, I think the only people Ive hugged are women Ive had sex with, I honestly think that stands up! said Frank, still loving the opportunity to occasionally shock. Ill go make me bed then, eh Sonn! said Grace. No, this might be an exception, a first if you like no offence! said Frank. Clearly none taken, Grace and Sonia left Frank and Ruby to it, and as they left the club hall, both hands on Floyds lead, their mood was a weary but reflective one. God, Im absolutely shattered sweet, mentally. Physically my bodys probably seizing up with the lack of exercise its getting. Im putting on weight, have you noticed that? Look at this gut. And Floyd is too, arent you fat boy? said Frank, bending down to pat Floyds head before groaning his way back up. You should come running with me. I cant see youre putting on weight, but itd be good for you, said Ruby. Dyou know, I think this is literally the most emotional day of my entire life in my whole 46 years, however many days that is, this is now the most emotional one Ive had, everything thats happening here, its just Youre doing really well Frank. I feel like Ive been pretty crap with you recently, not being there for you enough and I really want to be, said Ruby.
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Dont be ridiculous, Im incredibly strong mentally. I dont need that support, give it to those here that do need it, as you have been, thats the biggest help possible. Honestly, Im fine, Im actually perversely enjoying it all, the mental challenge, having to really utilise your brain and come up with plans and answers. And times just going so quick here, the last week has just flown by. I know, just think about where you were three months ago, and look at it now. You know what? I genuinely dont like to, it entirely freaks me out. Were literally at the centre of something here that, whichever way we go about attacking it, is going to potentially be a significant moment in the history of civilisation, its literally that big isnt it? Jesus, I know were not the ones who started it but It is, but see it as a challenge, and one where there might be the potential to change things for the better, for good, for everyone. You have to believe that and think like that otherwise youll never get your head round it. Frank, I dont want to nag but maybe youve floated through life a bit, dont not think? This is your chance to finally challenge yourself and realise potential, learn more knowledge about the things you need to and then put all of that to use! said Ruby. Alright, settle down. Of course Ill do my absolute best, Im not some lazy work-shy oaf when I need to work, I work, and my God I realise I need to work now and extract everything out of myself that I possibly can. Theres no way I could let anyone down here, my conscience wouldnt allow it, but youve got to be wary theres only so much I can do. They really have been so great, everyone here, said Frank with tears in his eyes. Ruby moved forward, arms starting to hint at a hug. No, Im fine honestly I just cant get how cheery people have been since they arrived. They should be the most angry, bitter people on Earth, or on Muta whatever, angry at me because effectively its me and my cronies who have done this. But theyre not, they always seem to have a grin on their face. I dunno, maybe Im just a miserable bastard, dyou think? I remember the morning before I came here I got the bus into town and, as we sat at a stop with people getting on, there was some woman running to get on it. She was entirely on her
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own and just as she got alongside the bus it pulled away. I turned to look at her face and she was just manically laughing out loud! said Frank doing a visual impression which in turn almost had Ruby laughing out loud. I was sat there perplexed thinking, how the hell is she possibly laughing, thats not funny its simply highly annoying is it not? But its endearing I suppose, that attitude isnt it? Franks diatribe had left the pair of them pretty much talked out, laughed out, and generally knackered out. So, after remembering theyd be discussing the finer points of any plan the next morning with more heads than their two, they sluggishly went their separate ways.

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SENTIMENTAL MUSINGS
Frank awoke the following day anything but fresh-faced. He had fallen asleep almost fully clothed on the sofa having managed only to remove his trousers as he shuffled as far as the top of his bed. He tentatively checked his iWatch before a glance in the mirror facilitated a frantic and fruitless effort at ironing the prominent crease mark off his cheek with the palm of his hand. Having so many tasks to balance, he decided to operate by focusing only on his next one, so he angled his thoughts in that direction as he checked on Floyd before striding into the shower. The first of his daily tasks was yet another potentially fractious phone conversation with Keith, so he spent the the majority of his shower that morning trying to slap himself into an alert state of mind. He burst into song only when satisfied that he had every angle covered. Keith rang at the very minute Frank had specified and Frank was genuinely grateful to Keith for his punctuality. He went so far as to play on their pseudo-friendship and stressed to Keith that itd be doing him a massive favour if he could keep up his scrupulous time-keeping. That agreed, what Keith then revealed was enough to restore the feeling of panic in Franks veins, not to mention the rest of Clashton. Keith asserted that the next convoy was already en route to Clashton and would be with them early the following day. It would include not only the extra provisions, but also a few extra residents. Frank quickly scribbled down some details. It included the names of the new arrivals, still being produced in the same way, each one with a moniker that prompted a disbelieving head-shake from Frank.
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The contents of the convoy were most welcome, butany physical governmental contact would not be. Frank knew that it provoked the need for a considerable briefing and left him wondering where he could wedge that into an already loaded schedule. He kept the phone call short and sweet and rather than wait, Frank decided to round up Ruby, Angus, Louis and Charles as soon as possible. It was to prove a wise decision as he found Charles about to indulge in an early aperitif. After summoning over to his apartment together, almost like a rugby scrum as was his punchy manner, Frank informed them all of the imminent arrival of one of Keiths stooges. Good ah say. Get em here, get em rid, then we can get on wi th job at hand, said Angus. You might be right but its the job in hand thats the issue isnt it. What the job is, thats what we need to decide. Does anyone want a drink anyway, Ive got a bit of whisky here and more on the way I think, said Frank. Its a bit early isnt it? said Ruby. Nonsense, fill it up! said Charles eagerly clutching a glass. Louis and Angus joined Frank and Charless team whilst Ruby was left casting disparaging glances and cuddling up to Floyd in her team. Louis was the first to offer opinion. Frank, it seems to me that theres one option initially. First of all we go, en masse, and find other people here, other communities, that guy we saw, whoever the hell else is actually here. We go and we find them and we speak to them. he said. Hes right, that has to be the next stage, doesnt it? asked Ruby. Yes, spot on, agreed Frank. Looke, jist play it canny, this could be yer big chance Frankie, to make a difference, to change things, to overthrow the government. I know what potential yoove got. Jist play it canny, said Angus with two taps to his temple. Frank recoiled and told them in no uncertain terms that talk to that end was pointless and almost forbidden. Another thing Frank, looke Ive been thinking, said Angus. Im 54, Ive got no family, nothing to lose, and you guys here have got everythin to lose ye know, family, things like that. What Im saying is
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any danger at all Ill be leadin th way at th front, no questions asked. Frank looked at Ruby and somehow managed to generate a tearful sigh. Were all in this together and if anyone leads from the front itll be me. Anyway, this is probably all being overly prepared anyway. We havent a clue have we, who else is here, and the only guy we saw was apparently quite a sweet-looking old chap so. this afternoon anyway Im going to go round and see everyone, literally everyone. Ill tell them all that the government are coming tomorrow, but, thinking about it, it shouldnt be any different to any other time, I dont think theyll want to venture past the pick-up point. If you lot could tell anyone you meet as well to convene tomorrow morning at the club hall and Ill do a very quick briefing on what to expect before the government arrive. Theyre bringing some new people to live here as well for a bit, so Ill introduce them, and then I guess if we get all that sorted, the following day we can meet up and think about heading off exploring. God, its a lot to get done isnt it. Ill be so fired up by the time we head off my head will probably Calm down Mr Hyper, itll be fine, said Ruby. Here yare, have a drink old boy, said Charles having taken custody of the whisky bottle. No, no, Ive got to get off and see everyone. Get all that out the way, quick power nap, then Ill join you on the whisky. Save it though will you? Thats our last bottle till more arrives tomorrow. After that bottle all weve got left is wine. With that Frank disbanded the group and set about seeing everyone to tell them about the governments visit the next day, conscious not to come across as a door-to-door party pooper. The chat with each of the residents was much the same: awkward corny jokes about his lack of fitness, awkwardly dramatic acting in describing the quickness of the governments visit, mild cautions about going easy on the drink that evening, and even more corny jokes about his desperation for a drink. He was relatively happy with the spirit and mood in the camp and so, contented, he curled up for his power nap. It was a nap so content that he overslept, leading to a frantic encounter with Eddie
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who was convinced hed been charged with the task of keeping him awake. Even if he had, Frank couldnt remember, and the whole timeconsuming episode of consoling a fraught Eddie left Frank in a fluster. Indeed, as he arrived at the social club hall he reckoned that half of the residents were already present and he quickly rummaged through his boxes of food and drink. After setting everything up, and everyone up, he took Floyd outside to do his business in his usual area. Though sufficiently away from the hall and apartments to cause anyone any direct grief, Frank wasnt a fan of handling doggy faeces and Floyds piles of mess was starting to resemble the inside of a stable. As Frank quickly erased the task of dealing with the ever growing pile from his mind and re-entered the hall, his mood swiftly turned from one of mischievous lazy schoolchild to proud adult. It came as he lent back against the wall just inside the back door, and just about out of sight from everyone else. The scene in front of him instantly induced a lump in his throat and it was one that grew as he scanned the room like a cagey owl. As hed hoped, Marcel and Gaynor were clearly the centre of attention, Marcel even using the stage to showcase his freestyle wheelchair skills before MC Scope was then ushered up by Marcel to be his replacement act. Elsewhere, there were two or three groups each headed up by a designated entertainer, the congregation for each constantly interchanging. Louis was huddled in a corner trying to gather people around for his audition as group raconteur. Everywhere Frank looked, he saw poignantly social scenes and the lump in his throat grew even more as he afforded himself a moment of philosophical reflection. There were Hubert and Dexter engaging in what looked like friendly chat and Clarence and Dean were bonding like a homophobic bisexual transvestite and a profound sexist never normally would a concept that Frank had previously and comically speculated about. Floyd had now galloped away from Frank to join in the festivities and he ran straight to Quincy, who instead of directing bile towards his furry foe engaged in a dramatic but jesting throttling, almost laughing and mocking his own affliction. As Frank glanced outside the door, the sentimentality of his mood didnt lessen a jot as he saw Vince merrily hacking away at his vegetable
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patch and Perry and Eddie coming towards the door. As Frank welcomed them, he assumed theyd been toiling away all day, only to learn that in fact theyd both deduced that theyd earned a day off. Frank congratulated them on their decision and then allowed himself to dwell on how all the personalities before him had changed over the past few months. A vegetable-obsessed and still slightly aloof Vince was a notable exception and it was something which Frank thought was entirely to his credit. As he prepared to make his entrance, he noted that even Jeremy seemed socially affable, engaging in some sparring with Julian, an activity again drawing interested spectators. Frank attributed such developments down to a mixture of luck and the individuals own efforts and aptitude, not for a second accrediting any of it to himself or maybe the environment that hed eventually created. As he left his watching brief and approached the scene, he noticed Ruby, previously out of sight due to her petite stature, buzzing around directing the proceedings. He knew shed been pivotal to any steps that had been made but their attitudes towards their relationship were changing rapidly. Typically, for Frank, as he started to conclude that any chemistry was fizzling out, it coincided with Ruby finally being ready to take things a step further. As he stopped to speak to Ruby, Frank sensed this and also sensed many a gossiping ear fixated on their conversation. Trying to avert any immediately embarrassing or awkward encounter, he decided to indulge in some male bonding with Louis. As he genuinely enjoyed socialising without the want to binge drink, Franks heart was further warmed by the fact that others also seemed to be reining themselves in with the drink. Not long afterwards, Frank deemed the timing perfect to make an early exit. Having reminded everyone of the quick briefing in the morning, before the governments visit in the afternoon, Frank left them to party. As well as it being a huge show of trust to everyone there, he was also aware Ruby would happily step into the breach as a guardian to everyone. The situation was such that any late-night emotional drama would be unlikely. As Frank had progressed throughout his stay in Clashton, the acuteness of time seemed to be tightening. His targets were now
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being set almost by the half hour, deeming every day as crucial. When Frank awoke the next morning, he slapped himself out of bed, aware that alertness and enthusiasm for the challenge was the only way to operate. As he started preening in preparation for the mid-morning briefing, he temporarily lost the sense of perspective that he so preached. He slammed his way around the apartment bemoaning his lack of aftershave, lack of aftershave balm and, in sarcastic jest to Floyd, lack of After Eight mints. The speed at which the meetings and briefings were now becoming necessary meant that Frank was heading into most of them completely unscripted. Coupled with the time restraints meaning that he needed to be as succinct as possible in his ramblings, it also meant that, unwittingly, he was producing diatribes that were as convincing and effective as any hed ever produced. First of all, its unbelievable that so many of you are here. I cant really see anyone that isnt, and after necking that rancid wine last night I can only thank you for making the effort. Amber and Nigel dont seem to be here, I wonder why? shouted someone from the back. Alright, as I always say its optional anyway, said Frank, keen to overlook any possibly problematic situation as hed hit on a speechworthy theme on the walk to the hall. Wheres Angus by the way? I cant see him. I saw him earlier he thinks its his mums anniversary today. Hes fine, added Louis, noting the crushed look on Franks face. He said hell pop along later, I think hes doing some kind of memorial thing or something. Right okay, Ill go and see him after if he doesnt show. I was thinking on the way over here about the mentality we need going forward and the main thing I want to stress really is the need to fight using our heads. This isnt a lost cause far from it. Things might not be easy but thats fine, well just get tougher with it, well grit our teeth and show real determination. You lot are probably more aware than most that life can be difficult, but knowing and accepting that is the first step, really, to making life that little bit easier. Knowing most of you pretty well
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now, you seem to have accepted that, which is such a credit to you, and it can help to make you feel better about your circumstances. Again, that ability is something which marks you out as special. Put any of my colleagues into a situation like this, or difficult situations that you lot probably deal with more often than most, and theyd just completely crumble. Yes the choices we might have to make may push us out of our comfort zone and may mean that in the initial period our lives may get even harder than they already are. But lets just attack it all! Franks hair, by now at its longest for years, was starting to wilt and irritate, so with constant rearrangement he quickly explained the protocol for the governments expected visit later that day and pleaded that they show restraint if they came into contact with them. He then played his mood-lightening card by asking whether they wanted to know more details of the newcomers who were going to be joining them. A series of wails, and whoops assured Frank that they did. Weve got its mainly men, actually. My God chap, this place is turning into one unmitigated sausagefest! said Tarqney. Long may it continue! shouted Sonia. It might be handy, actually who knows what manpower we might need over the next few weeks? Wheres my list? Weve got a guy called Jed, down as an artistic Nazi, as always, just ignore that. Cool man! nodded Hubert. Frank was now adopting a more speed, less haste approach in the hope of fooling his sense of injustice. Weve got Lily, shes a dyslexic accountant. And, again Ill tell you all these ridiculous handles theyve been given, but as ever dont take them to heart or anything, just be nice to them and take them at face value. Remember some of the things you guys were termed as. Clint is a daredevil librarian, continued Frank struggling to stifle a chuckle, and to finish off weve Mia, whos down here as a benevolent lawyer. A fruity bunch I guess, but you know the score, welcome them as much as you can. In the spirit of keeping things short, sweet and uncomplicated, Frank offered one last cautionary address before announcing that
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theyll meet the following evening to introduce the new people and arrange precisely how theyll go forward. Meeting and explaining everything to the newcomers was the main task playing on Franks mind, not having a clue as to how hed go about explaining the situation and the course of the action they were now likely to take. That task, one which hed pencilled in for the evening session, was made slightly easier as he seamlessly sailed through the examination by the government officials. Keith had sent a newcomer to the ranks, one who Frank only knew by name. Aware of his upstartish reputation, Frank was on the attack as soon as he met him. A triumph of experience over youth, Franks attack was the perfect mix of belittlement, craft, and mind games without ever overstepping the line into bullying territory. The result of the perfectly executed performance was not only a swift retreat by the upstart called Tom, but also a conclusion from his behaviour which Frank, ever the budding psychoanalyst, was confident enough to rely on. Tom didnt want to check anything, nor did he want to question anyone and was only concerned about getting out of Clashton as quickly as he could, even before Frank started to close the intellectual net. Frank pulled back from firing on all cerebral cylinders, sensing that Tom was almost defenceless and that his openly nave presence in itself may have been a ploy by the government to cover any slips that may have naturally been made. He deduced that the rushed visit was more than likely planned so as not to rock what they thought was their perfectly planned boat rather than because they suspected Frank might know more than he should do. He was confident of his instinctive judgement, but all the same it still bothered him as to why Carmela hadnt been back in touch, now sure that she hadnt been rumbled. He was happy with his lot. It comprised of an emotional goodbye to Marcel and Gaynor, one which was packed full of knowing nods. There were also several bafflingly friendly new faces, plentiful provisions, his weapon of choice and some state-of-the-art walkie talkies. After ploughing through his usual introductory niceties with the newcomers, paying particular attention to Mia, an enchanting brunette, Frank shied away from going into more detail at that
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moment. He arranged that task for the evening, very much wanting to conquer each challenge one at a time so he could give each new arrival his undivided attention. In preparation for the meet with the new arrivals, Frank took his tea at the table in his apartment and, in between mouthfuls, he fired increasingly rhetorical questions at Eddie and Floyd. He was struggling to come up with a tactic other than to flood their minds with straight-to-the-point chatter. It was frustrating him as he wanted his words to display enthusiasm, emotion, wit, charm, pride, bravery, adaptability, courage, ambition, rationality, sensitivity and hilarity, especially with Mia present. Just as he was starting to tap into the key sentiments he wanted to exhibit, there was a knock at the door. Both Floyd and Eddie raced to answer it, anxious to check they were still conscious such was the repetitively tiresome tone of Franks chagrin. It was Larry and he was welcomed like a hero. He, too, wasnt one to mince his words and got straight to the point. Frank lad, it was myed made that comment earlier about Amber in case yee were wondering. Oh right, you were concerned she wasnt there? Its neet that. Im pretty sure I know why she and Nigel werent there. I think shes been getting some business, if you know what I mean. People have been seen gannin in an out of her place, Nigel in particular. Its fookin disgusting like. The money thing though, shes obviously not getting paid, so why? I spoke to some of the others and apparently shes writing IOU things, so people can pay hor when we get back. For Frank it was a problem that he ranked at the very bottom of his list of immediate priorities to deal with, but he realised he had to pay Larry the respect of taking it seriously and so assured him that hed look into it. At times a top class blagger, Frank managed to successfully do this whilst ushering and shifting Larry out of the door. After he left, Frank couldnt help but humorously ponder whether a peeved Larry would see fit to administer his medicine to Nigel by somehow forcing both his money and sexual will onto him.
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He refocused and soon after the newcomers arrived one by one, to his relief Mia being the second last to arrive, not allowing for too much awkward time-filling. His first statement was to apologise that he wasnt seeing them all individually as he had done with everyone else. He said it was because of time constraints, which was true to some extent, and assured them he would do in time. In reality it was more because his brain had been over-thinking for about three days now what with so many things to assess. To this end it had dictated that he wasnt yet emotionally ready to conduct a one-on-one with Mia, given his immediate attraction towards her. In managing to silence his annoyingly immature thought process, he started to quiz them on what theyd been told on their journey here, praying that their answers or situations would reveal a slip-up on the governments part. They didnt, as they each revealed slightly differing circumstances as to their capture but details that were essentially the same. They informed Frank that they were to be part of an experiment or a project, that everything would be looked after, and that theyd be told more upon their arrival. And so it was left to Frank to tell them more, which he did with even more aggressive intent towards the project than usual. It subsequently led to excessively apologetic head-shaking. He didnt get his usual chance to start to assess the intrinsic nature of the personalities before him as they were strangely silent. Partly stunned into this silence, they were also appeased by the significant weight that his good news carried, that they hopefully wouldnt be there long. When Frank probed them further, he was at least satisfied that theyd be on board with his currently sketchy plans as it conceivably facilitated their quickest route back to their lives on Earth. As he quickly wrapped things up, believing that for the moment hed got the balance right between stunning them into silence and frightening them into affirmative action, he understood and explained the need to see them all again individually in the next few days. Unexpectedly, his motivation was no longer solely his desire to start Project Mia, but he was also now keen to quiz the other two unknown quantities roaming Clashton.

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DIVINE DELUSIONS
As the days zoomed by, Frank was now ticking off task after task, each completed burden clearing another part of his mind so he could concentrate fully on his next chore. As he awoke to realise he could almost solely devote his attentions to setting about exploring Muta, he almost jogged into the kitchen to force a sleepy Floyd into an earlier walk than usual. He had two new tasks on the horizon that day, neither of which he deemed worthy of taking up significant brain space. Initially he had to take Floyd for a check-up, as ordered by Quincy, before a meeting in the evening with all the residents to introduce the newcomers. This involved the task of broaching the subject of Amber maybe finding some business in Clashton. Frank was happy to approach that with a playful mindset, given that it preceded a much more necessary and stressful meeting the next day with a select crowd in order to devise expedition plans. Floyd was looking increasingly suspicious as his walk to the vets gathered pace and he started to re-sniff the direction in which they were heading. An eleven-stone St. Bernard was no problem for a hyperactive Frank though, even if he did have to spend the last fifty metres alongside and behind Floyd pushing and shimmying him to their destination. Floyd was the original gentle giant and he feared a tongue lashing more than he did a bit to the ankle he thus loped his way into Quincys room in downbeat fashion. He was given the once-over by a strangely even-tempered Quincy, and as Frank and Quincy struggled to lower him down
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off the table, Floyd remained confused by the lack of shouting that saw him to the exit. Everythings fine with him Frank. Ive been thinking though, I really think its best if I start seeing Floyd once a week from here on in. The same with Tao, and that feeble little cat that lingers around, said Quincy, seemingly with forced vigour. Okay, can I ask why? Yeah, no its because, Im just doing my job, so Ill see you once a week from now on. Thanks, replied Quincy whilst ushering both Frank and Floyd through the door. The glow Frank felt as he left broke out as a beaming smile, something he embarrassingly tried to hide in playing it cool to a passing Mia. That incident was still playing on his mind as he felt his old public-speaking anxiety come flooding back as he opened that evenings meeting, his want to impress reddening the colour of his cheeks. He fired through the formalities in double quick time, wanting to get to a subject where he thought he could impress with his style, attitude and humour, that of Ambers fledgling business. He announced that the government visit went as smoothly as possible, introduced the new residents, and promised to cook them up a treat the following evening with the new provisions, also giving Gareth his long-promised rest. He then launched into his fruitier subject matter. God, bit awkward, bit embarrassing this, well for a prude like me maybe, but anyway somethings come to my attention which I havent even considered really since weve been here. About people maybe, God how do I put this, Rubes care to help me out? I genuinely dont know what youre talking about! said Ruby. Oh God, basically, people are sort of kopping off with each other, said Frank. Kopping off? What era be you from, fine sir? said Louis with thespian delight. Is this about me Frank? If so, I dont mind talking about it, Im not ashamed of what I do. I was just always brought up to get something for my money, and vice versa really. I dont hop into bed with anyone either, only those who treat me right, said Amber.
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It rocked Frank to his prudish core and he scrambled out a flustered response. I understand weve been here for three odd months and now will be here for a bit longer as well, and I understand everyone has needs. Its just, well, lets be better than going into sordid sexual not behaviour but just antics, I guess. If you wouldnt do something back on Earth, then dont do it here just for convenience. Theres nothing wrong with manual stimulation is there? Everyone does it royalty, some old women probably Is that what I hear thuddering away every night through the walls? Do you know you lose about 100 calories during each fabled act of masturbation? retorted Louis. That cant be right! argued Frank. Is that why youre so trim, Louis? said Ruby, immediately reddening with shock at what shed blurted out. Too right, regular as clockwork me. Its true Frank, you could probably hit 150 calories if you really put a shift in, said Louis. I might not be around for a while everyone, said Swanley to widespread laughter. I dont really know where were going with this, what my point was. I literally dont know. You were on about threesomes, werent you Frank? shouted Clarence mischievously. I had a threesome with my mate once, only he pulled out at the last minute, offered Julian. Hold on, if he pulled out werent there just the two of you? said Frank, now not being listened to and thus upping his volume to try and restore order. Anyway come on, thats enough now, remember well be back home hopefully in not so long, and weve got a lot of hard work, and stressful times Id imagine, to overcome before then, said Frank. I dont think you should necessarily discourage all that, countered Ruby. God, Im not discouraging anything! Im out of my depth here, Im an amateur on stuff like this, but all I was saying really was you
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have to keep your self-respect. I think if you have that, then youll make the right decisions with regard to these things. Yes, out of your depth some would say. What about love? Whats your opinions on that? You must have some come on, lets see you stumble! chirped Louis. Another subject which Im a complete amateur on love, thats probably why I havent broached these subjects before. The only thing Id say is that if you find a woman, especially in London, that offers to buy you a drink, then that in itself can be taken almost as read that shes a nice sound girl, and Im not tight at all I really dont care about money and Ill always buy all the drinks and stuff, its just one of my theories, that, I dont know, it just seems pretty rare that women do my God, Im digging a hole here. Im surviving though, want me to continue? he asked tentatively. The females in the room, Ruby aside, assured him that they did and that they were taking his musings in good heart. The only other thing about relationships, men, women, love, and all that is the concept of men and women being friends thats always baffled me. Again, Im probably wrong but it seems a bit like the only instance where a man and woman can truly be deemed friends is when the man doesnt fancy the woman. What, so you and Ruby could never be friends? asked Louis. Eh, no, dont be silly were friends, that doesnt mean, no theres nothing going on there, honestly, bumbled Frank. In flapping to try and keep Ruby onside and Mia thinking he was both available and cool, his red-faced flap lost him the latter battle. No, Im unqualified on this subject I really am, its a clich but I dont really understand the workings of a womans mind. Dyou know I did an interview once for some crappy local publication thing and they asked me if I was single? This was when I was in my mid 30s and happily married. I explained this to the interviewer, and said I couldnt be more happily married and that I would never, ever cheat on my wife, because I really never would. Having clarified and stressed that, I then went on to say how much I love flirting, how good I am at it, and how I love to do it. I think I actually invited any attractive ladies reading the interview to get in touch with me if
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they fancied a top-class flirt, offering them the experience all in jest obviously. My God, the furore that caused at home she hardly spoke to me for a week! Im not surprised! If you were my husband Id have cut all your clothes up before youd arrived back home, said Kadeisha. Everyone needs to be more honest about these things. I also once told her that the only time Id ever cheat on her is if I were ever stranded on a desert island with another woman for a year or more. What! Come on, its just being honest, its human nature but that scenario is never, ever going to happen is it? Therefore Im never, ever going to cheat am I, surely thats the main thing? said Frank to more mock tutting. Not wanting more female interaction complicating matters, Frank swiftly moved on and switched the subject matter back to more business-like affairs. Explaining the mindset he wanted from the residents as they approached the following few days. Frank was keen to repeatedly stress notions of teamwork, togetherness and the need to keep cool heads. He was particularly wary of this as hed heard some comments from the residents over the last day or two around Clashton which made him feel like the battle lines had been drawn, though exactly where and towards whom he wasnt sure. It led to one or two of the residents countering his cool-headed instruction with suggestions of more aggressive methods of attack, Vince in particular was up for the fight. Frank carefully tried to edge such enthusiasm into craftier territory, reminding everyone that they all had one common enemy and that that enemy was not currently present on Planet Muta. That said Frankie, Im by your side I want you to know that. We might come across some proper nawtie people up here, from what everyones saying. Well, me, Julian, well all take care of them, no trouble, said Vince. This isnt a war Vince dude, we dont want a war, there shouldnt still be wars in this day and age man, Im sure Frank would agree with that? questioned Hubert. First of all cheers Vince youre a star, but please take my lead on this. The only way well win, not win but overcome, all the challenges
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over the next couple of months, and there are bound to be plenty, is by using this, said Frank, forefingers pressed to his temple. War Hubert? Youre entirely right what you say, its abhorrent, a horrible course of action. Its a really tough one though, it really is. I dont know, obviously Im against it in principle but then if someone invades your country you have to defend it dont you? Also, if someone is wreaking havoc in another part of the world, should we be so messianic as to step in? II advocate stepping in to try and help them charitably, so should we then also be the all-controlling kind of power who gets involved in stuff like that, civil war that doesnt directly involve us? No one in this day and age should live under fascist, evil and oppressive regimes, so surely theyve got to be overthrown. But the people living under such rule are often so brainwashed they show blind faith towards those leaders, as is the case in North Korea, so in themselves these people arent actually unhappy. Its one of those subjects where theres no right answer maybe, other than to take each case on its merits. Again, the only solution to me seems long-term, as it is to a lot of these dilemmas, in this case I guess the solution then is to try and eliminate the causes at their root. And again, one of the main ones is undoubtedly religion, as Ive said before its basically a mental illness, so we could at least try eradicating that, of course treading very, very carefully as we do. How I really dont know, we somehow have to make these countries where poverty is rife realise that religion is clearly a joke and try and push things like the empowerment of women. Woo hoo, girl power! Always knew yous wuz me feminist omie Frank! said Sonia. Angus, can you expand please? said Frank through a stifled chuckle. Aye, listen up Sonn, honestly its a major cure of poverty, th only one ah can think of proven tae work time an time again over th years. What I mean by it is that the majority of poverty ridden places in th world have a society and village custom or culture or religion whereby the role of th woman is primarily that of a husband-serving broodmare. If ye free women from that, th knock on effects are proven to be that the whole economy, standard of life and culture in that area will rise. said Angus.
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Frank, sorry to change the subject dear but, who do you actually think is up here, do you know? Who do you think we might be meeting? Im not sure what help I could be to you really, I want to but Im meant to be moving into one of those new old people homes next month, oh what are they called? asked Susie. A coffin, said Louis under his breath. Oh God, no! Its fine, youre all helping just by being yourselves and, I dont want to say behaving, but you know. You really are, youve all been great! said Frank, close to welling up. Susie I honestly dont know who we might meet, Im hoping to God that figure of speech that, by the way obviously Im hoping that Carmela calls back tomorrow or soon, but weve got to assume she wont, and as we have to get moving over the next couple of days, so as to speed up the process of when we can maybe go home, we might have to plough into the unknown a bit. So, over the next couple of days Ill be working to formulate some kind of plans, they wont be anything fancy, actually theyll probably just constitute explore Muta, but there are things that need organising, and Ill probably try and meet you all individually to explain your exact roles. Things like who will go and explore, who will stay and hold the fort, who will look after things here as Ill be leading the way on the exploration front. Franks comments provoked a series of complimentary shouts, offers and demands from residents wanting to be part of his plan. He briefly felt like a suspicious gangland boss in the face of henchman guffawing at one of his unfunny jokes, before realising that such compliments and proposals were heartfelt and genuine. Before he could express reciprocal chortlings, the room was plunged into instant darkness, seemingly the result of a power cut, and the scene that ensued was complete chaos. As Frank tried to restore order, fumbling around for a torch luckily stored in the corner of the social club hall, the reason for much of the commotion became clear as he stumbled into a crowd of people around a clearly stricken Amber. Shit! Whats up with her? said Frank, struggling to get through the crowd.
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Its her back Frank, its completely gone into spasm she cant move it! shouted Ruby from the front of the crowd. Hold on, let me get to the torch its over in this corner somewhere. Wheres MC, Doctor Scope? Frank shouted. Im here Frank, ready to go, she just needs five minutes probably, just grab the torch. Frank bust out what was now pretty much his maximum sprint, so vainly happy that his running style wasnt being scrutinized that he forgot about the dangers of doing so in such dimly lit conditions. He managed to use the light from his iWatch to locate the torch and, in flicking the switch to check it worked, shone a bright light straight onto a bottle of whisky and accompanying glass that had also been stashed there. Whether it had been left for Santa Claus, or belatedly delivered by Santa Claus in response to Franks wish-list when he was a 15 year-old boy, Frank was temporarily happy to believe in fate. As he delivered the torch back to the patient, he briefly stayed to oversee the proceedings. He lingered long enough for Dr Scope to demand his attention as he rapped and carefully tended to his subject. Though his rap was attracting little attention, Ambers plight still was and Frank saw the situation as the perfect opportunity to slope off back to the corner, alerting Ruby en route that he had to see to someone. He poured himself a whisky, slunk to the floor and proceeded to sip away, tired, contented, philosophical and watchful of the torchlit scene at the centre of the room. After overcoming his guilt at feeling so contented, the image of Jaysons body still never far from his mind, he watched his first lady marshall the troops in his absence. He had never been more in awe of her altruistic heart and spirit. The feeling was more legitimate now that he didnt dilute such judgments with idealistic beguilement. He then focused on the crowd now escorting Amber to the door, presumably on their way to the surgery, and marvelled at the groups togetherness. Though he gave himself little credit for what he had witnessed, his heart was satisfied in the knowledge that he could genuinely make a tangible difference to these peoples lives. The realisation then dawned on him that maybe the reason he was content amidst such oppression was because he was fully motivated
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in a job for the first time since aged 13, when he delivered papers on his bike whilst merrily listening to his iPod. A further memory of his headphone wire once getting caught in the spokes of his bike then inspired another gulp of whisky..

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