Chapter One: An All-Too-Common, Incredibly-Bad Day Kate rolled over and looked at her alarm clock.

It was seven fifteen. Once again, she had overslept. With her heart pounding, Kate jumped out of bed and made a mad dash for the shower. So much for getting up earl and spending time reading the !ible," she thought to herself. I haven#t gotten it done in weeks. I#m such a lous $hristian." !etween the running late and the spiritual failure," Kate alread felt grump . %nd, as she turned on the water and climbed into the shower, she couldn#t stop thinking to herself, I#ve got to do better." &hen, suddenl , her mind turned to a long list of past failures. Who am I kidding'" she said out loud, I#m never going be good enough." Kate got out of the shower and started to get dressed. %s she did, she couldn#t help but take a second (and third) look in the mirror. I#m getting fat," she sighed. When she began to sa that she needed to get back to the g m, the sentence died on her lips. She knew she wouldn#t, and a new e*plosion of self+hatred made her cheeks flush. %lthough Kate didn#t reali,e it, what happened ne*t was a defense mechanism. -o longer able to handle the feelings of failure, a shift took place in her mind and Kate#s anger turned full force upon her husband. .e never appreciates me," Kate grumbled. If he#d help more around the house ma be I could get to the g m once in awhile." %s she finished in the

bathroom and ran downstairs, Kate itemi,ed her husband#s shortcomings. Standing in the kitchen pouring herself a cup of coffee, Kate was continuing to mull over her list when 0rank, her unsuspecting husband, walked in. 1ood morning," he said cheerfull . 1ood morning," Kate responded 2uietl , in her best passive aggressive tone. 0rank didn#t catch on. %fter all, what could he have done this earl in the morning' .e continued tr ing to make small talk. Want to go out for dinner tonight'" he asked. Sure," Kate mumbled. Where should we go'" 3ou decide," Kate answered, ou didn#t care what I wanted last time, wh should tonight be an different'" Surprised and hurt, 0rank disappeared behind his newspaper. Immediatel Kate regretted her words, et a glance at the clock told her she had to go. 1athering a hast breakfast, she hurried out the door. !ut once outside, Kate paused. She wanted to go back in and apologi,e, however her pride thought better of it. What I said really is true," Kate justified to herself. .e reall is inconsiderate." % strange mi*ture of anger, shame, and sadness welled up inside of her as she jumped into the car. %n hour later, Kate sat at her desk when an email popped up from her boss. .e wanted to speak with her as soon as she was free. Kate took a deep breath and headed over to his office. 4im, her boss, could be kind, sometimes, but make the slightest mistake and he#d let ou know it. 3ou wanted to see me," she said, poking

her head in the doorwa . Shut the door and sit down," he replied. Kate shut the door and sat down. 6et me just cut to the chase," he said, I need better performance from ou." &aken completel off+guard, Kate stammered, 7h, what#s wrong'" 3our report," 4im began patroni,ingl , got several critical facts wrong." !ut, sir," Kate responded, tr ing her best to hide the nervousness in her voice, I don#t run the data. I just put in what the research department gives me." Well, then ou should check it," he responded. !ut, sir, I...," Kate didn#t know what to sa . She had nothing to do with the research and couldn#t possibl check it. &his is just a s mptom of the bigger problem, Kate," he added. 3ou and I both know ou haven#t been focused on our work latel ." Kate didn#t know this. In fact, she had been sta ing late nearl ever night for a month. I, no," she began, I#ve been tr ing m best." Well," 4im declared, I guess our best just isn#t good enough. -ow get it together, Kate, or ma be we#ll need to start making some tough choices." !ut," Kate started. -o #buts,# Kate. 3ou do our job or someone else will. 8o ou understand'" 3es, sir," she answered. 1ood," said her boss. I#m glad we got a chance to address this head on. 4ust pick it up, Kate, and we can forget all about this." Kate walked back to her desk in a total da,e. What in the world am I doing wrong' I don#t make the research. %nd I#ve been working ten hour da s because &ed has missed all his

deadlines." % variet of choice names for her boss began to pass through her mind. Kate sat down and tried to get back to work, but it seemed impossible. She felt stupid and embarrassed, and, although she knew she hadn#t done an thing wrong, a little voice inside her head said, 3ou know ou aren#t good enough, Kate. It was just a matter of time until the figured it out too." :otivated b fear, she regrouped, took a deep breath, and turned her attention back to the computer monitor. 0or the rest of the morning Kate worked feverishl . If I work harder," she thought, ever thing will be alright." When lunch time finall came, she headed toward the dinning room. !ut just as she was about to enter, Kate heard her friend !eth talking to someone inside. 4im finall spoke to Kate," !eth said in a confidential tone. Kate stopped in her tracks. She considered !eth her closest friend at work. It#s about time," came the repl . It was &ed, the one whose irresponsibilit had caused her so man headaches. Well," she thought to herself, some friend." &hen Kate tried to think of something negative about !eth, an thing to tr to critici,e her, but !eth was skinn and ever one liked her, so nothing came to mind. .aving lost her appetite, she decided to skip lunch and go for a walk. Kate felt so lonel . She wanted to call 0rank, but when she remembered how she had treated him this morning, she thought better of it. %s she walked outside, Kate#s heart was so empt she thought she could die. It seemed like ears since she had heard a

kind word, and she definitel didn#t have an for herself. 3ou are such a loser," she thought. Kate wandered down the block, her mind lost in a mi*ture of biting comebacks and self+condemning voices. &hen, it started to rain. 1reat," she said, just great. %nd I forgot m umbrella. I never do an thing right." 0inall , unable to hold it in an longer, Kate began to cr .

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Chapter Two: Perfection or Else &here is nothing but 1od#s grace. We walk upon it= we breathe it= we live and die b it..." +>obert 6ouis Stevenson 1race and peace to ou from 1od our 0ather and the 6ord 4esus $hrist." + / $orinthians /?9

8o ou ever feel like ou just can#t measure up' Well ou#re right, ou can#t. !ut for some reason that doesn#t stop ou from tr ing. %nd, sadl , it doesn#t stop ou from e*pecting that others will tr to measure up too. 8on#t worr , ou aren#t alone. -earl ever one ou#ve ever met has this problem. I certainl do. It#s a problem about perfection and judgment and anger and poor self+image and critical thinking, among other things. 3et, then again, it isn#t really about an of those things= the are just s mptoms. -o the real problem has to do with grace, or, more accuratel , a lack of grace. We don#t have enough of it. We don#t give enough of it. Worst of all, we don#t even reali,e we#re missing it. In fact, we live without the slightest consideration of our desperate need for it. I#m not talking about the grace that saves ou from our sins. If ou are a $hristian ou probabl understand that grace.

What I#m talking about is the other half of grace, the practical, da +to+da , power+to+live grace. 0ew of us understand that grace. 0ew of us have even heard of that grace. Instead, we live b the opposite of grace, something called the law. If the law sounds familiar to ou it should. In $hristian circles, the law means the perfect standard of behavior. In and of itself the standard isn#t a problem. 1od set the standard. It#s good. 3et, in the pages of the -ew &estament, the law has another meaning. It refers to our attempts to live up to the standard of perfection b our own strength. So when people think the can earn their wa to heaven b being good enough, the are living b the law. $hristians, however, don#t believe the can earn their wa to heaven. &he don#t tr to find salvation through the law. 3et, and here is the great traged , most $hristians do tr to live their dail lives b the law. In other words, most $hristians tr to do the ever da stuff of life b their own strength. &he tr to achieve their goals b their own strength. &he tr to change their behavior b their own strength. &he tr to sustain their emotional health b their own strength. &he tr to manage their relationships b their own strength. %nd, just as the law doesn#t work for salvation, it also doesn#t work for dail life. &he one word that summari,es the law is perform. $hristians who live b the law are $hristians who are tr ing to perform. 3ou can determine whether or not ou are one of these $hristians b the amount of emotional energ ou spend

on what ou should be or should do. I should be nice." I should read m !ible more." I should do more for others." I should pra longer." !ut these shoulds are not just about spiritual" things. $hristians who live b the law appl should to ever area of their life. I should have done a better job." I should not have said that." I should forgive them." %ll of these shoulds take their toll, for the ver simple reason that ou will never be able to accomplish them. %nd this brings us to the nast side of the law. &he law doesn#t politel re2uest that ou do these things, it demands that ou do. %s a result, when ou can#t measure up, ou aren#t good enough. It#s all or nothing with the law. 1et it right and ou are acceptable, at least for the moment. 1et it wrong and ou are unacceptable, until ou get it right. -ow please don#t be deceived into thinking this is a book for helping t pe+% overachievers. It isn#t. It is a book for ever da men and women who love 1od, but who can#t understand wh the remain stuck. It is a book for $hristians who critici,e themselves and others, who incessantl pla back all of their failings, whose relationships aren#t working and the don#t know wh , who are acting out in self+destructive wa s, who are e*cessivel angr , and who struggle with selfishness. In other words, this book is for people like ou and me. %nd, although we ma not reali,e it, the root of our problems is the law. Perform. Perform or else! It is strain that is killing us. We are pushing ourselves to carr an impossible burden, and we are collapsing

beneath the weight. !ut, again, this law problem is not e*clusive to $hristians. It is a problem for an one who is tr ing to be good enough b their own strength. %nd, with the e*ception of a few deviant souls, that means ever one. %s such, wherever ou#ve been in this world and wherever ou#ll go, ou will encounter men and women who are tr ing to measure up, but who lack the power to accomplish it. %nd all of this striving is causing a great deal of pain, et not just for the strivers, but also for those around them. 0or this is the saddest part, law+strivers hurt others. %lthough the ma not mean to, people tr ing to perform often inflict serious wounds. &his happens two wa s. 0irst, law+strivers put their standard onto others, resulting in judgment. Second, when law+strivers go down under the weight of their heav burden, the collapse takes others down with them. %ll of the pain in our life isn#t self+inflicted. If ou live in this world, I can guarantee that ou#ve been harmed b another#s attempts to satisf the demands of perform or else. &hankfull , however, there is an answer to all of this performance= an entirel different wa to live. ! the grace of 1od, there is grace. %nd it pla s b a totall different set of rules. 7nlike with the law, with grace there is no perform or else. &he relenting standard, with its fear of condemnation, has been replaced with unconditional love. Imagine what our life would be like if ou could fail and it was oka . Imagine what our life would be like if ou didn#t have to continuousl repla all of our worst

moments. Imagine what our life would be like if ou had an unlimited resource of emotional fuel to handle the hurts inflicted upon ou b others. %nd imagine what our life would be like if ou could accept the people in our life as the are right now, warts and all. &hat is what grace does, and that is what ou#ve been missing. !ut ou don#t have to miss it an longer. 4ust as the grace that saves us is a free gift, so is the grace b which we live. It is available right now, no strings attached. The Two !ystems In /CB/ a low budget film called Chariots of Fire surprised the motion picture industr and won the %cadem %ward for !est Dicture. &he movie tells the compelling stor of 1reat !ritainEs une*pected success on the track at the /C5; Ol mpic 1ames. In realit , however, Chariots of Fire is not about the Ol mpics, but rather about two men, Fric 6iddell and .arold %brahams, and their relentless pursuit of e*cellence. !oth 6iddell and %brahams are driven to great heights, but that is where the comparison ends, for the two men have ver different sources of motivation. 6iddell, a $hristian, runs, as he so famousl puts it in the film, to feel 1od#s pleasure." %brahams, a 4ew, runs for justification, attempting to prove himself and his 4ewish heritage, which has been a source of ridicule throughout his entire life. %t one point in the film, %brahams has come to watch 6iddell race, tr ing to si,e up his competition. It is a four hundred

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meter race, and around the first corner one of 6iddell#s fellow racers cheats, deliberatel knocking 6iddell to the ground. !leeding, battered, and far behind, 6iddell rises to his feet and begins to run like a man possessed. >emarkabl , he catches the pack. &hen, he catches the leader. %nd, just at the tape, 6iddell thrusts himself across the line and collapses in a heap upon the ground. Somehow he has won. :eanwhile, %brahams watches on in a mi*ture of ama,ement, anger, and fear. 6iddell has something %brahams does not, and %brahams knows it. 6ater the two men s2uare off for the first time. &he run neck and neck, onl for 6iddell to pull awa at the end. 0ollowing the race, %brahams is crushed, overwhelmed b defeat. .e sits alone in the stands and repla s his loss over and over. 0inall , %brahams# girlfriend sits down ne*t to him and tries to console him. When her efforts are in vain, she grows frustrated and concludes, If ou can#t take a beating perhaps it#s for the best." &o which %brahams fires back, I don#t run to take beatings, I run to win. %nd if I can#t win I won#t run." &he scene concludes with %brahams, head down in despair, proclaiming, I just don#t know what to do." .is identit is tied to his performance. Fventuall , both men make the Ol mpic s2uad, and the join their fellow athletes aboard an ocean liner which will take them across the %tlantic to the games. While onboard, 6iddell gets some horrible news. .is 2ualif ing heat for the /GG meters will be run on Sunda . 6iddell has pledged never to run on the Sabbath.

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8espite intense pressure, 6iddell refuses to break his pledge to 1od. .e wants to run. .e wants to win, but he doesn#t have to. (Fventuall , 6iddell gets a reprieve when a countr man relin2uishes his spot in the ;GG meters, which does not race on Sunda . %lthough he had not prepared for the distance, 6iddell wins.) %ll of this opens the door for %brahams who goes on to upset the favored %mericans and earn a gold medal. 3et something is still missing. %brahams has achieved his goal. .e has become the fastest man in the world, and he is certainl glad, but, for some ine*plicable reason, it hasn#t taken awa the ache inside. &he stor of %brahams and 6iddell perfectl mirrors the two s stems b which we can live our lives. %brahams runs b the law. .e must achieve. If he doesn#t he is a failure. 3et even if he wins it is still not enough. It doesn#t satisf , not full . Derforming well can#t resolved the pain. Will he be able to win ne*t time' $an he alwa s be the best' :otivated b fear, %brahams has succeeded, but there are still lurking 2uestions. %nd beneath all of these 2uestions la s the one that is central, %m I now worth of being loved'" 6iddell, however, runs b grace. .e wants to achieve so that his .eavenl 0ather will be pleased, nothing more. When his chance to win is gone, 6iddell is sad. !ut achievement does not define him, 1od#s love defines him, and, win or lose, 6iddell knows that he will still be loved. 1race gives 6iddell an inner+power that nothing can take awa . It is what %brahams wants and needs, although he doesn#t recogni,e it.

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%brahams lives b the law s stem. 6iddell lives b the grace s stem. &he law s stem never satisfies. &he grace s stem is complete fulfillment. &he law s stem leaves ou angr . &he grace s stem brings peace. &he law s stem strives to achieve in a 2uest for personal worth. &he grace s stem finds achievement in response to unending acceptance. &he law s stem longs to earn love. &he grace s stem receives love as a gift. &he law s stem loses even if it wins, because winning must alwa s be repeated. &he grace s stem wins even if it loses, because it was never about winning. %nd ever one lives their dail lives b one of these two s stems. It is grace or law= there are no other choices. %nd, if ou do not consciousl choose the grace s stem, ou are, b default, choosing the law s stem. Choosin" the #aw So wh is the law s stem the default' .ow did it get this wa ' &here are lots of reasons. &he primar one is theological, but we will e*amine that in depth in the ne*t chapter. 0or now, the best e*planation is found in a simple stor . It is a stor about the daughter of a woman I once knew who was having a difficult time adjusting to a new $hristian school. %t the school the used something called a grace card as a means of maintaining discipline. !asicall , the grace card was part of a behavior modification s stem. If a student misbehaved the would get their card punched. 1et enough punches and the student would get a

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conse2uence. -ow, there is nothing wrong with children learning conse2uences, but, as the woman e*plained it, the s stem had gotten out of control. If ou made the slightest mistake ou got our card punched. Dut the header on our paper wrong, ou got a punch. &alk too loudl in the hall, ou got a punch. %pparentl , the s stem had gone from one of conse2uences to one of condemnation. %nd this oung girl, who had alwa s been a well+ behaved student, was becoming a nervous wreck. I believe this is what has happened to each one of us. We all have a grace card, and it represents acceptance. It is our ticket to being loved, and 1od intended that it would remain unblemished. In other words, .e wanted us all to be loved without condition. !ut in this broken world things have gone horribl wrong. Instead of being loved unconditionall , our card is constantl getting punched. If we are the slightest bit imperfect, as we all are, someone comes along and punches our grace card. It hurts, and so, in order to tr and prevent it from happening again, we attempt to do better. 3et, we can#t do it, and there is, once more, someone else with a hole punch. &his happens over and over again, sometimes even when we haven#t done an thing wrong at all. It makes us a nervous wreck, but we get the message. Derform and ou will be loved. 0ail and ou will get hurt. %gain, the problem here isn#t that there are conse2uences for our behavior. 1od is all for conse2uences= the lovingl teach us about realit . -o, the problem here is condemnationHpunishment

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without love. 6et me sa this again for the sake of clarit . Over the course of our life people have e2uated our performance with our personal worth. If ou do well the love ou. If ou do poorl the condemn ou and withdrawal. Since no one can live without love, ou adapt, learning how to perform. It never full satisfies, but at least when ou do well there is a conditional love, and conditional love, it seems, is better than no love at all. &he s stem is alread 2uite d sfunctional, but it gets far worse. 6aw+ strivers, projecting their own warped sense of the perfect standard, come along and punch our card for the most trivial of reasons, and sometimes for no reason at all. &hen, like the little girl at the $hristian school, ou begin to live in constant fear of having our card punched. Fventuall , and it doesn#t take long, our fear takes its toll and this unhealth s stem begins to replicate itself, making ou into a law+striver too. 6ittle b little, one punch at a time, the e*ternal message of perform or else becomes an internal message, and soon the process is complete. 7nknowingl , ou have chosen to live our life b the law s stem. %nd, the saddest part of all, ou are doing it in hopes of being loved and accepted. .oles in our grace card, that#s what does it, and there are three main places where this hole punching occurs. It happens in our performance+based families. It happens when we interact with performance+based people. %nd it happens b living in a performance+based culture. We#ll look first at the punch of the

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performance+based famil . The P$nch of the Performance-based %amily % short time ago, I heard &err Walling, founder of 6eader !reakthru, e*plain wh he has alwa s struggled for acceptance. .e traced the problem back to his father. .is dad was a stereot pical engineer, incredibl strong on the intellectual side but notabl weak on the emotional. One da at little+league, with his 8ad watching from the stands, &err pitched the game of his life, a two+hitter. 0ollowing the game an e*uberant &err was met b his anal tical father. &o &err #s surprise, his dad immediatel took a notepad out of his pocket, flipped to some notes, and e*plained that if &err had thrown a curve+ball to the first batter who got a hit and a low+ fastball to the second, he would have had a no+hitter. &err protested, sa ing that he did the best that he could and that his dad#s response hurt his feelings. 7nable to handle &err #s response, his father withdrew and didn#t speak to him for a week. On that baseball diamond, &err got his grace card punched. &his is not about critici,ing our families, for I#m an imperfect father m self and I know that I#m in no position to judge. !ut we do need to understand realit Hthe truth behind who we are and how we got here. With this in mind, it is t picall from our families that we receive the first punches to our grace cards. 6ife is hard, and ever one in our families struggle with the difficulties of this fallen world. :oms, dads, grandmas, grandpas,

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uncles, aunts, brothers, and sisters all face heav responsibilities, relationship pressures, hurts and disappointments, and financial concerns= and these hardships, among others, can bring them into the famil unit with damage to their grace cards. In other words, our families are often filled with people who have, themselves, alread been made into law+strivers. %s such, the most important people in our lives can, unwittingl , do what all law+strivers do, punch our cards. In some families the punches are obvious, like with &err #s dad after the baseball game. &he take awa message for the child is 3ou must be perfect." In other families, however, the punches are passive, like when a parent constantl disapproves of their child#s choices. .ere, the child absorbs the message 3ou never do an thing right," et doesn#t even reali,e where the message came from. In still other families the punches are so catastrophic, as in cases of abuse, that the pain of the take awa message, 3ou are unlovable," forces the whole episode deep into the subconscious. %nd, sadl , in some families there are indirect punches, caused b such things as divorce, illness, or death. In these cases, the child unfairl creates their own take awa message, 3ou should have done more." Of all the punches to our grace cards, those received from our families are often the most influential in turning us into law+ strivers. &his is because 1od#s original purpose for families works against itself. Originall , 1od created the famil to serve as an

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incubator, a safe place for children to grow and develop. &he famil was intended to be 1od#s first grace place, where we flourish in an environment of unconditional love. !ut, in our sinful world, families have become broken. &he are still incubators, but, unfortunatel , not ever thing that grows there is good. %nd, without unconditional love, we can find ourselves nurtured right into the law s stem. The P$nch of Performance-based People I had found the perfect job to help me work m wa through graduate school. I would teach math part+time at a parochial school. &he pa was decent. &he hours were ideal. %nd the students were both bright and motivated. !efore I took the job, however, there was one warning signHI had heard whisperings about the previous ear. %pparentl , a long+time staff member had a major feud with the principal, and, as a result, was no longer with the school. It was nothing more than gossip, I thought, and I dismissed the turmoil, a choice I would soon regret. %t first, other than the t pical challenges of teaching, things went great. I enjo ed the job and the students seemed to enjo me. &he onl possible cause for concern involved m interactions with the principalHthe were alwa s rather cold. 3et I chalked the coldness up to her personalit t pe and thought little more about it, until it came time for staff evaluations. One da the principal came into m classroom to observe. We were doing a

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review for a test, and I thought that I did a nice job preparing the students, but otherwise it was rather uneventful. 6ater, it was time for m review. I entered the principal#s office e*pecting a few kind words and perhaps a pointer or two, but I got something far different. !asicall , the conversation began like this? When I hired ou I though ou would be able to teach. 7nfortunatel , that doesn#t seem to be the case." She went on to sa that I had done a poor job in the review, had missed several teachable moments, and had numerous other serious defects. &aken completel off+guard, m stammered responses amounted to, I#m not sure I agree with this, but I#m sorr . I am imperfect, and I#d be more than happ to tr to work on some of these things." %s far as she was concerned, however, it was alread settled, I didn#t know how to teach. She didn#t fire me, but she made it clear that I#d need to make different plans for the following school ear. %fterward, I discovered that I wasn#t the onl one who had walked into a trap. Several da s later as I talked with the g m teacher, she began fighting back tears as she described her own review. &oda , in retrospect, I can see all of the tell+tale signs. &he principal was a law+striver. 0or her, ever thing was absolute, black or white. 3ou either did things e*actl like she would do them or ou were bad, be ond repair. %s we#ll discuss in more detail later in the book, law+strivers project their unobtainable standard of perfection onto others, and judgment is the result. !ut, at the time, I didn#t understand what was happening. It was all just so unfair,

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and I was powerless. On that da , m grace card took a serious hit, and the world became much less safe. Perform or else! If ou have never had our grace card punched b a performance+based person I think ou are probabl from another planet. We have all been there. 3our coworker blames the failure of the project on ou. &he person behind ou in the check+out line grumbles audibl when ou can#t find our credit+card. 3our neighbor makes a not+so+subtle comment about the appearance of our lawn. &he technical support worker patroni,es ou. 3our mother+in+law takes a shot at our cooking. % friend unleashes an une*pected fur of personal criticisms. &he teacher singles out our faults. 3our spouse critici,es our weight. In big wa s and small, nearl ever da , someone comes along, takes our grace card, and gives it a punch. 4ust as in our families, the people around us are struggling with the difficulties of life and their own inabilit to measure up, and often these struggles get taken out on us. It wasn#t meant to be this wa . 1od intended mankind to love each other, but the original plan has been broken. Deople are bent and hurting and living b the law. %s such, ever one reading this book has, at one point or another, received several defining punches, inflicted b performance+based people, that have left deep scars. In some cases the puncher ma have been a stranger, but for most it was someone more significant, like an authorit figure or a friend. 3ou see, the more trust we#ve invested or the more respect we#ve given or the

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more approval we#ve sought, the more devastating can be the resulting punch to our grace card. The P$nch of a Performance-based C$lt$re Social .istorian 4oan 4acobs !rumberg has done notable research on the self+image of oung girls. In her book The Body Project, !loomberg compares oung women#s diaries from one hundred ears ago to those of their modern counterparts. .er findings are painfull revealing. In the twentieth centur , the bod has become the central personal project of %merican girls. &his priorit makes girls toda vastl different from their Iictorian counterparts. %lthough girls in the past and present displa man common developmental characteristicsH such as self+consciousness, sensitivit to peers, and an interest in establishing an independent identit Hbefore the twentieth centur , girls simpl did not organi,e their thinking about themselves around their bodies. &oda , man oung girls worr about the contours of their bodies Hespeciall shape, si,e, and muscle toneHbecause the believe that the bod is the ultimate e*pression of self./ Wh do ou think girls have begun to e2uate their personal identit with their appearance' I#m not sure an e*planation is reall necessar , but I will answer the 2uestion nonetheless. Fver where a girl turns, her value is e2uated with her appearance. 0rom the

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television screen to the dolls in her bedroom, girls learn that their looks matter. If ou have an hourglass figure ou are desirable. If ou don#t ou aren#t. %nd, in this culture, desirable means lovable. So, in other words, the cultural message is simple, look good or else. 8oes that sound at all familiar' It should, for it#s nothing more than a variation of the law. %nd our culture offers this message about things other than just appearance. .ow much mone do ou make' If ou make a lot ou are valuable. If ou don#t make a lot ou aren#t. What degrees do ou hold' If ou have several ou are valuable. If ou don#t have an ou aren#t. 8o ou have an important job' If it comes with a lot of power or influence ou are valuable. If it doesn#t ou aren#t. .ow about our house, our car, and our to s' If the are nice (another word for e*pensive) ou are valuable. If the aren#t, ou aren#t. 6et me sum up our performance+based culture with an illustration. In 5GGC, Susan !o le, an unassuming choir singer from Scotland, stepped upon a stage to compete in a !ritish television show looking for undiscovered talent. 0rom the beginning she seemed out+of+place. .er ph sical appearance wasn#t glamorous and her answers to the judges# 2uestions were awkward, nothing like what ou are use to seeing on prime+time television. :eanwhile, the judges, the hosts, and the audience were overtl laughing at her. &he were laughing at her, until she began to sing. Suddenl , ever mouth in the auditorium dropped open. Susan !o le had perfect pitch and the range of an opera singer. On the

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internet, the video went viral. %nd, overnight, Susan went from laughing stock to world+renown celebrit . Wh did Susan !o le suddenl go from value+less to invaluable' &he answer is simpleHshe performed well. Susan had a talent that made her special. !ut what if the audition had gone differentl ' What if, when she had begun to sing, her voice sounded awful' Juite simpl , she would have been laughed off the stage. We live in a performance+based culture. &hose who can#t measure up to the loft standards of appearance, talent, and success are dismissed. %nd those who can perform' &he are applauded, at least as long as the can continue to perform. Obviousl , 1od has something vastl different in mind. I praise ou because I am fearfull and wonderfull made," wrote 8avid. &o 1od, we have value simpl because .e made us. 1od fashioned us in .is image, and that, in and of itself, is enough. We don#t need to be thin and muscular. We don#t need to have a prestigious job or an overflowing bank account. We don#t need to own a giant house or drive a fanc car. %nd we don#t need to sing, speak, or dance well. Dut simpl , 1od never had an intention of t ing our value to our performance. 3et our culture isn#t operating b the grace s stem= our culture is operating b the law s stem. %nd so, if ou can#t measure up to the standard, there will alwa s be people there to snicker and to sneer. In other words, if ou can#t measure up, this world will be 2uick to punch our grace card.

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The Depth of the Pain So we#ve seen three of the major places where we get our grace card punched? performance+based families, performance+ based people, and this performance+based culture. -ow consider for a moment the combined power of these three forces. In a law+ based famil , ou ma hear the message of perform or else hundreds of thousands of times. In fact, ou ma hear it so man times that ou carr that voice with ou for our entire life. &hen, ever single da , we interact repeatedl with law+strivers at work, at home, and in our communities. &hese people have their own standard of perfection, and the too make it clear that we must perform or else. 0inall , even when we look to take a break from the stresses of life and turn our minds to entertainment, the voice of our culture is, once again, nothing more than the voice of the law. So, for hours on end, we stare at the world#s most beautiful, talented, and successful people, and hear perform or else repeated over and over and over again. When ou think of it like this, is it an wonder that most of us are living b the law s stem' It would, I think, be a miracle if we were not. In his book Counterfeit Idols, &imoth Keller tells a poignant stor that shows us where all of this performance leadsHto a break down. % friend of mine has reached the top of his profession, but an addiction to prescription drugs forced him to resign his position and enter a period of rehabilitation for

5;

substance abuse. .e had become addicted in part because of the e*pectation that he should alwa s be productive, d namic, upbeat, and brilliant. !ut he refused to blame other people#s demands for his collapse. : life was built on two premises," he said. &he first was that I could control our opinion and approval of me through m performance. &he second wasHthat was all that mattered in life."5 &he voice that Keller#s friend had internali,ed told him that acceptance re2uired performance. It was the voice of the law s stem, and it resulted in an addiction that nearl destro ed him. While for us the details ma be different, a life lived b the law s stem is alwa s headed toward the same endHself+destruction. 6ater in the book we#ll e*amine in more detail the practical effects of living b the law. 0or now it is enough to simpl recogni,e that the law is killing ou. &he problem is that a law+ striver is like a dancing bear. When the show starts the bear twists and twirls about to the applause of the crowd. !ut how did the bear learn to dance' .e learned to dance out of fear and pain. If he wouldn#t dance someone would withhold his basic needs. %nd, if he still wouldn#t dance, someone would strike him until he did. So the bear learned to dance. We are that bear. Fver da , when the lights come on, we get up and twirl about. 3et, underneath the surface, we are angr and resentful and tired, so ver tired. !ut we need to perform just to survive, just to avoid being hurt, and so we

5<

dance, and we dance, and we dance again. 7ntil, at last, when we can dance no longer, we drop. Dlease don#t underestimate the impact the law ma have on our life. 0or most of us it has been ingrained into the ver core of our beings, teaching us that we must strive to be loved. !ut, as we#ll see, 1od has made another wa . 4ust as .e has separated our performance from our salvation, .e has also separated our performance from our identit . We are saved b grace and we are loved b grace. &he grace s stem stops all of this striving for acceptance. &he grace s stem stops all of this performing. %nd the grace s stem will also teach us to dance= not because we have to, but, rather, because we want to. I can#t wait to talk about grace. 3et, before I do, there is still a bit more we need to understand about the law. In order for us to have the complete picture of just how we got this wa , we need to have a brief theolog lesson. 8on#t worr , it won#t be nearl as boring as it sounds. >eal theolog is practical and life+ giving. !esides, we can#t full appreciate what 1od is giving us in the grace s stem until we full understand what .e is saving us from. %nd, as we#ll see, 1od is saving us from The Same ld Story.

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Chapter &: The !ame Old !tory Sin is, essentiall , a departure from 1od." +:artin 6uther &ell me, ou who want to be under the law, are ou not aware of what the law sa s'" +1alatians ;?5/

% short time back, I was speaking on the two s stems? grace and law. %fterward, a oung man came up to me with a 2uestion. %re ou sa ing that the law is bad'" I assured him that I was not. :ore recentl , m wife taught a !ible stud that I had written, which included a section on living b the law. She said the group was confused. I wasn#t surprised. 0or us, centuries removed from first centur 4udaism, the concept of the law can cause a great deal of confusion. &he problem begins with semantics, for in the -ew &estament the term the law actuall refers to more than one idea. When we hear the law the first thing we think of is 1od#s standard of moralit , like the &en $ommandments. %nd, we are right, the law does mean 1od#s standard of moralit , but that#s not all it means. &he %postle Daul, our chief instructor on the topic, referred to the law in two wa s. One wa was 1od#s moral standard, which he obviousl thought was good. &he other wa was a s stem of striving to fulfill that standard b one#s own strength, which, as he made abundantl clear, he did not think was

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good. So, when it comes to the idea of the law, there are two common problems. 0irst, we don#t recogni,e the different meanings. Second, even if we did, striving to fulfill the standard is so embedded in us that we have a hard time seeing it as a bad thing. -ow, don#t worr , this is not a theolog book. !ut, if we are going to diagnose what is wrong with our lives then we need to better understand this term the law, for it is the law#s second meaning that is causing us so much trouble. &herefore, the goals of this chapter are to help us better understand the law, differentiate between its two meanings, and offer the ultimate theological reason for wh we choose to strive. We#ll begin b looking at the law as the moral standard. The #aw as the 'oral !tandard Dicture ourself sitting on a park bench in front of a giant cit courthouse. &his courthouse is surrounded b a lush green lawn. 0or a moment or two, ou stare admiringl at the grass, but then, as ou are naturall prone to do, ou turn our thoughts elsewhere. :eanwhile, as ou sit, a worker comes out of the courthouse and stops just in front of ou. .e#s carr ing a hammer and a sign. %s ou look on curiousl , he places the sign in the grass, pounds it into place, and then scurries back into the courthouse. 3ou read the sign. It sa s, !on"t Step n The #rass. %t first ou think little of it, but then a thought strikes ou, 8id the

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put that sign here because of me'" Soon ou convince ourself that it must be the case, and ou are insulted. 3ou tr to get our mind off it, but ou can#t. .ow dare the put that sign there. What kind of person do the think I am'" Suddenl , ou are struck with a overwhelming desire to go and step on that grass. &he can#t tell me not to step on the grass," ou mutter to ourself. I#ll step on whatever grass I want to." %s ou start to rise, ou begin to rethink it. Well, it does sa , !on"t Step n The #rass. &he probabl have a good reason for asking me not to." %nd so ou sit back down. !ut, for some reason, ou still can#t let it go. Over the ne*t several minutes ou stare at the sign. 0inall , ou make up our mind. -o one can tell me what I can and can#t do." >ising 2uickl , ou walk over to the edge of the grass. 3ou take a 2uick look around. -obod in sight. So, with a theatrical displa of pride, and just a hint of fear, ou begin to walk on the grass. See, I can walk on whatever grass I want," ou sa to ourself. !ut right at that moment something horribl une*pected happens. % police car that ou didn#t notice pulls up in front of the courthouse. &he officer rolls down the window. &hen he looks at the sign, and then he looks at ou. &hen he looks back at the sign, and then he looks back at ou. 0inall , with a grimace on his face, he sa s, $an#t ou read the sign' &here is a new cit ordinance about standing on that grass. 3ou#ll need to come inside with me." %nd he gets out of his car and escorts ou into the

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courthouse. In this stor , the sign !on"t Step n The #rass represents the law. I hope ou would agree that the problem in this stor is not the sign. %ll it does is define the rules, nothing more. -o, the problem in this stor is our pride= we resent being given a limit. We don#t want an one telling us what we can and can#t do. %gain, the sign doesn#t cause the trouble, it just provides an opportunit for our heart problem to come to the surface. 6ikewise, there is nothing wrong with 1od#s law. %ll it does is define the rules, setting the standard. !ecause of the law, we know right from wrong. It is clear= there is a sign that sa s, $o. !ut we are proud, and we don#t like 1od#s limits. We don#t want an one telling us what we can and can#t do, not even 1od. &his pride has a theological term. It is called sin. %ll of us have a sinful heart. We#d have a sinful heart if the sign was on the grass or if the sign wasn#t on the grass. We#d have a sinful heart if the law was defined or if the law wasn#t defined. !ut, 1od defined the standard for one purpose, so there could be no e*cuses. Daul wrote, -ow we know that whatever the law sa s it speaks to those who are under the law, so that ever mouth ma be stopped, and the whole world ma be held accountable to 1od. 0or b works of the law no human being will be justified in his sight, since through the law comes knowledge of sin." (>omans 9?/C+5G) Some da we are all going to stand before 1od to be judged. Our problem on that da isn#t going to be the law. Our

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problem on that da is going to be that our proud hearts refused to obe 1od. !ut, without the law, on that da , we might tr to den the problem. &his isn#t fair," we might cr . I disagree with ou. : heart isn#t bad at all." So 1od, foreseeing the complaint, made sure to define the standard. .e gave us the law so there wouldn#t be an games. In other words, the law has removed the subjectivit and made it objective. 0ine," 1od sa s. 3ou don#t think our heart is proud and sinful= well, here is the standard I set for ou. &here are no e*cuses. &he law told ou what is good and what is bad. 6ook, ou ha%e broken the rules." It is our hearts that are corrupt= the law was just set in place to prove it to us. The #aw as a !ystem of (innin" )od*s Appro+al So the first meaning of the law is that it is 1od#s moral standard, and it isn#t bad. In fact, this standard is ver good, if for no other reason than that it clarifies 1od#s e*pectations. !ut, remember, this is onl the first meaning, there is still a second meaning that we also need to consider. In addition to the moral standard, the term the law also refers to a s stem b which people tr to make themselves right in 1od#s sight. In the pages of the -ew &estament, it was a group called the Dharisees who had turned this approach into an art form. %s ou ma know, the Dharisees were one of the main religious parties of the 4ews, and the passionatel believed in the importance of 1od#s law. So much so that the made it their all consuming goal to never break

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even the slightest rule. &heir motivation was to win 1od#s approval. &he figured that if the could keep all the rules then 1od would be happ with them. %nd, the carried this all the wa to its logical end. If the could keep all the rules, 1od would be happ with them, and then the would get into heaven. In other words, the rule+following was a merit s stem whereb the could earn a ticket to eternal life. &he logic behind this idea makes some sense. It works like this. If, on the da of judgment, ou haven#t broken an rules then 1od doesn#t have an thing to hold against ou. 7nfortunatel , this philosoph was missing the point. 1od put the law in place to reveal our heart problem, not to create an effort+based s stem of salvation. 3et, although the Dharisees had misrepresented 1od#s intention with the law, the oversight didn#t reall matter, for even under their approach the end result was still the same. Fver one, no matter how hard the tr , breaks the rules, and breaking one rule is the same as breaking all of them. &his is what 4ames meant when he said, 0or whoever keeps the whole law and et stumbles at just one point is guilt of breaking all of it."(4ames 5?/G) Keeping ninet +nine percent of the law ma seem better than keeping onl fift percent, but, in the end, law+breaking is still law+ breaking, and a sinful heart is still a sinful heart. With this in mind, Daul asked the Dharisees, 3ou who brag about the law, do ou dishonor 1od b breaking the law'" (>omans 5?59) .e asked the

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2uestion because he knew the answer. -o one, not even the Dharisees, had the power to keep the entire law. %ttempting to obe all of the rules could never earn an one a ticket to heaven= 1od didn#t miss a loophole. &he law was put in place to reveal our sinful hearts, and, tr as we might, that is what it does. >ight now ou might be thinking, %ll of this theolog stuff is about earning our wa to heaven, and I knew I couldn#t earn m salvation even before I picked up this book. What does an of this have to do with the wa I live m dail life'" %ctuall , more than ou reali,e. !ut, in order to full understand the connection, our theolog lesson must now become a histor lesson. A ,-ery. Brief /istory of the !in-Cycle 3ou probabl alread know this stor . 1od created %dam and put him in the 1arden of Fden to tend to it. &hen 1od gave mankind its first rule. .e told %dam, 3ou are free to eat from an tree in the garden= but ou must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when ou eat of it ou will surel die." (1enesis 5?/@+/A) &ake care of the garden. Fat from an tree e*cept one. Simple enough, or so one would think. &he stor continues. 1od doesn#t want %dam to be alone, so .e makes for him a best friend named Fve. -ow the #ve got each other, the garden, and 1od= life couldn#t be more perfect, literall . &hings are so good, in fact, that their world is completel without shame. 0or

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despite being naked, %dam and Fve aren#t the slightest bit concerned. 3et, sadl , the stor doesn#t end there. % wil serpent enters the picture. ($hristians know this serpent to be the devil.) %nd he slithers up to Fve and asks a couple of seemingl innocent 2uestions, 8id I hear 1od right' 8id .e reall sa , K3ou can#t eat the fruit from an of these treesE'L 7naware of duplicit , Fve doesn#t see that the serpent is deliberatel twisting 1od#s command, and she walks right into the trap. -o," she replies, .e didn#t sa that. We can eat the fruit from all the trees, e*cept for that important one there in the middle of the garden. We aren#t even supposed to touch the fruit on that tree or we#ll die." >eall '" the serpent responds, probabl with a sl grin and a wink of the e e, that isn#t true. 3ou won#t die if ou eat that fruit." (I imagine him 2uietl mumbling, at least not toda ," under his breath.) -o," the serpent continues, that fruit will make ou like 1od, knowing good and evil." &hus, in just a few brief words, the serpent manages to impl that 1od is a liar, Fve should take the fruit, and, worst of all, she has ever right to be like 1od. So, the wa I picture it, Fve takes a good hard look at the fruit, mulling over the serpentEs words. %s she does, it begins looking better and better. In fact, the fruit on the tree of the knowledge of good and evil appears to look tastier than all of the other fruit in the whole garden. 0inall , her desire for the delicious treat (and her desire to be like 1od') gets the best of her. She

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plucks off a piece and takes a big bite. %dam, the strong silent t pe, has been standing beside Fve watching all of this. &hen, since Fve had alread broken the rule, he justifies going ahead and taking a bite too, and the deed is done. 1od had set the standard. &he rule was ver simple and ver clear, but %dam and Fve didn#t listen. Dride got the best of them. They decided that the rule wasn#t a good one. They decided that the had a right to be like 1od. %nd from that point on things didn#t go so well. %dam and Fven did receive the knowledge of good and evil, but the also paid a price. Immediatel after eating the fruit, shame and fear entered their lives. %ware of their nakedness, the made clothes. %nd, when 1od came back, the were scared and hid. !ut, as ou can imagine, hiding from 1od is not ver effective. So, after .e found them, 1od asks them what happened. 8espite a pathetic attempt at pointing fingers, %dam and Fve admitted that the had eaten the forbidden fruit. In response, 1od gave them another conse2uence, the worst one of allH.e sent them out of the garden. &his meant that the were now destined to die, just as 1od said the would. %ll of this because %dam and Fve wouldn#t obe . &he chose to sin, and as a result, evil entered the world and their hearts. I have recounted all of this for one reasonHtheir behavior established a precedent that would repla itself throughout histor . 0irst, 1od sets the standard. %dam and Fve could eat from an tree, just not from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

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Second, the obe , for a while. %dam and Fve listened and sta ed awa from the tree. &hird, pride tempts. %dam and Fve consider the serpentEs words and begin to wonder about tasting the forbidden fruit. 0ourth, the sin b breaking 1od#s rule. %dam and Fve take the fruit and eat it. 0inall , 1od gives conse2uences. %dam and Fve now know shame, fear, and death. &his is the precedent. -ow we fast+forward in time. % small, seemingl + insignificant people group called the Israelites have just e*perienced the miraculous. 1od has delivered them out of slaver in Fg pt, and the have been traveling across the deserts of the :iddle Fast. &hree months after this deliverance, the Israelites are camped below :ount Sinai, and 1od calls :oses, their leader, up to the mountaintop. :oses," 1od begins, I#ve got a plan for the Israelites. If the will stick with me, I#ll alwa s stick with them. !ut the will have to be different. &he will have to be hol ." &hen 1od made .is e*pectations ver clear. .e gave them &en $ommandments to serve as the definition of holy, and .e gave them e*tensive and detailed rules to govern their communit . .owever, soon after this encounter, :oses had been awa too long, and the people grew ants . What if :oe never comes back'" the said. We might as well go ahead and fashion our own 1od, just in case. !esides, our god might work out better an wa . :oe#s 1od is a little hard to manage." So the took all of their gold, fashioned it into a calf, and began to worship their new idol.

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Obviousl , 1od saw this. .e sent :oses back to e*plain that there were going to be severe conse2uences. %shamed, the Israelites apologi,ed and decided to tr harder. 3et their new determination didn#t last long, and soon the broke the rules again. %nd this wasn#t the last time. 0or the ne*t two thousand ears this will repeat itself over and over and over again. Obe . 8isobe . $onse2uences. Shame. &r harder. 6ike a record on a broken turntable, the song just continues to repeat itself. !ut did ou notice an thing familiar about the Israelites# behavior' It bears a remarkable resemblance to %dam and Fve#s behavior in the garden. %ctuall , it isn#t just a resemblance, it is %dam and Fve#s behavior in the garden. &he Israelites have simpl taken the precedent and turned it into a pattern. 6ook at it again. 0irst, 1od sets the standard, now called the law. Second, the Israelites obe , for a time. &hird, when :oses is awa , their pride tempts them. 0ourth, the give in to their pride, breaking the rules and fashioning the golden calf. 0ifth, the reap the conse2uences. &he onl difference between the Israelites and %dam and Fve is that the Israelites# stor adds a si*th step, tr harder. %nd step si* is reall onl a return to step one, thus creating a circle. &his circle has a name. It is called the sin cycle, and the Israelites haven#t been the onl ones trapped in it. 3ou see, ever one throughout histor has been going around and around in that same circle, unable to escape. 0irst, there is 1od#s standard. Second, we tr to obe the standard. &hird, our pride tempts us to

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break it. 0ourth, we give in. 0ifth, we e*perience the conse2uences of our failure. Si*th, we tr harder and return to step one, destined to fail again. !ut wh is ever one going around and around' &wo reasons. &he first is that, like the Israelites, we are all powerless to obe the law. &r as we might, we simpl can#t do it. &he second is that we can#t just give up, because the ultimate conse2uence for sin is death. %nd so we keep tr ing harder and harder to obe the standard, hoping to escape that ultimate conse2uence. &his is wh 4esus came. 1od knew that we couldn#t escape the sin c cle on our own, and .e loved us too much to let death win. %s so, 1od sent .is Son to pa the penalt for all of the sin that was ever committed. 4esus died so that we wouldn#t have to. &he cross led to the resurrection and the resurrection led to grace and grace led to freedom from the sin c cle. 3et, once again, ou protest. %ll of this sounds like salvation, not like our dail lives. !ut wait, we aren#t done with our histor lesson et. -e*t, we need to move forward to 4esus# da , and revisit the Dharisees. A ,-ery. Brief /istory of the #aw Cycle %lthough the get the lion share of the attention in the pages of the -ew &estament, the Dharisees were actuall onl one of several 4ewish religious groups that had developed b the time of 4esus. &he reason the Dharisees get so much of the focus is because the held the most influence with the common people.

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!ecause the Dharisees were devout, strongl valued scripture, and believed in the e*istence of the afterlife, the average 4ew resonated with their beliefs and looked to them for religious guidance. So, the Dharisees were a group of 4ews who believed in 1od and who were committed to obe ing .is law. %nd when I sa the were committed to obe ing 1od#s law I mean totally committed. 0or fun, the leading Dharisees would spend their time anal ,ing, dissecting, and debating ever nuance of the law. %n e*ample of this can be seen when the Dharisees asked 4esus about the greatest commandment. .earing that 4esus had silenced the Sadducees, the Dharisees got together. One of them, an e*pert in the law, tested him with this 2uestion? #&eacher, which is the greatest commandment in the 6aw'#" (:atthew 55?9;+9@) %lthough in this case it was a trap, this was e*actl the same kind of 2uestion the themselves were constantl debating. %nd, since the law was so important to them, the Dharisees put forth great effort to make sure that it was being followed, not onl b themselves but b ever one. One Sabbath 4esus was going through the grainfields, and as his disciples walked along, the began to pick some heads of grain. &he Dharisees said to him, #6ook, wh are the doing what is unlawful on the Sabbath'#" &he Dharisees considered it their dut to serve as the rules police. &he were going to obe the law, and the were going to make sure that ou did as well. In fact, the Dharisees# ,eal for the law was so complete the

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actuall began to take the law and to e*pand upon it, as a wa of tr ing to protect it. 4ust to make sure that all of their bases were covered and then some, the began treating man+made traditions and their own interpretations of the law as if the were actuall part of the law itself. &he Dharisees and all the 4ews do not eat unless the give their hands a ceremonial washing, holding to the tradition of the elders. When the come from the marketplace the do not eat unless the wash. %nd the observe man other traditions, such as the washing of cups, pitchers and kettles." (:ark A?9+;) 1od had given the 4ews the law, and, b goll , the Dharisees were going to do ever thing in their power to keep it. !ut, as is probabl obvious to ou, their ,eal had gone overboard, and, as such, the Dharisees had managed to miss the law#s true purposeHto reveal the sinfulness of their hearts. %nd this was something 4esus tried ver hard to make clear to them. LWoe to ou, teachers of the law and Dharisees, ou h pocritesM 3ou give a tenth of our spicesHmint, dill and cummin. !ut ou have neglected the more important matters of the lawHjustice, merc and faithfulness. 3ou should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. 3ou blind guidesM 3ou strain out a gnat but swallow a camel. Woe to ou, teachers of the law and Dharisees, ou h pocritesM 3ou clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside the are full of greed and self+ indulgence. !lind DhariseeM 0irst clean the inside of the

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cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean. Woe to ou, teachers of the law and Dharisees, ou h pocritesM 3ou are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead menEs bones and ever thing unclean. In the same wa , on the outside ou appear to people as righteous but on the inside ou are full of h pocris and wickedness." (:atthew 59?59+5B) Ouch. 4esus, the Son of 1od, decried the Dharisees# attempts at religion and rebuked, it is about the inside, not the outside." !ut the Dharisees were unwilling to give up their rule+following, and the pushed back, 2uickl becoming 4esus# chief adversaries. &he whole thing is actuall 2uite sad. &he Dharisees set their entire life up around 1od, and et missed 1od entirel . !ut how did it happen' Where e*actl did the Dharisees go wrong' &o put it simpl , the root of the problem was pride. &heir desire to follow 1od wasn#t reall about 1od at all= it was reall all about them. 3ou can see this most clearl in 4esus# parable about the Dharisee and the &a* $ollector. &o some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on ever bod else, 4esus told this parable? L&wo men went up to the temple to pra , one a Dharisee and the other a ta* collector. &he Dharisee stood up and pra ed about himself? K1od, I thank ou that I am not like other menHrobbers, evildoers, adulterersHor even like this ta* collector. I fast twice a week and give a

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tenth of all I get.E !ut the ta* collector stood at a distance. .e would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, K1od, have merc on me, a sinner.E I tell ou that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before 1od. 0or ever one who e*alts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be e*alted.L (6uke /B?C+ /;) &he ke line is, &he Dharisee stood up and pra ed about himself." 3ou might even add, &he Dharisee stood up and pra ed about himself, to himself," because all of this self+righteousness had nothing to do with 1od. %nd so the Dharisees have shown us their best attempt to break through the sin c cle, but, of course, it failed. .ere is e*actl what happened. 0irst, the studied 1od#s standard. Second, the tried ver hard to obe that standard. &hird, their rule+following made them proud. 0ourth, although the did not reali,e it, their pride was actuall breaking 1od#s law. 0ifth, the were moving further and further awa from 1od. Si*th, the continued to work harder at following the rules. 8o ou notice an thing familiar about this' Of course, it is nothing more than a slight variation of the sin c cle. Ironicall , the Dharisees, with all of their religion and rules, were on the same endless circle that the Israelites had alwa s been on. &he onl difference was effort= the were just tr ing a whole lot harder. What the Dharisees were doing has its own name. It is

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called the law s stem. %nd the law s stem is mankind#s best solution to the sin c cle, and et it is reall no solution at all. Dut another wa , the law s stem is religion, humanit #s attempt to earn 1od#s approval, but our best religious effort onl takes us back to where we started. 0or although the rules and the striving look impressive, the law s stem doesn#t work. In fact, the law s stem should be called the law c cle, for it is nothing more than the sin c cle re+imagined. 4esus was making this point in the often miss+ named Darable of the Drodigal Son. If ou are familiar with the stor found in 6uke chapter fifteen ou might think it is about a oung man who blows off responsibilit and goes off to indulge in some wild living. !ut that is onl half of the stor . 6isten to how 4esus begins, &here was a man who had two sons." (6uke /<?//, emphasis mine) 4esus# parable is about the ounger son who ran off and the older son who sta ed. %nd what a careful look at the stor reveals is that the father had lost both sons, not just the one. When the ounger brother returns from his wild life, the father throws a part . 6isten to the older brother#s response. 6ookM %ll these ears I#ve been slaving for ou and never disobe ed our orders. 3et ou never gave me even a oung goat so I could celebrate with m friends." (6uke /<?5C) Slaving' Wow, he sounds a little bitter doesn#t he' %nd what does this sa about the older son#s motives' It ma have appeared that he was following the rules, but his heart was not with his father. &he law c cle and the sin c cle are two sides of the

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same coin. When it comes to following 1od#s standard, the person putting forth little effort and the person putting forth great effort are both stuck in the e*act same c cle. One person#s pride ma lead him to wild living. %nother person#s pride ma lead him to religious sacrifice. Without grace, the are both lost. -o amount of effort can win 1od#s approval. It is impossible. Our best attempts end right where the Dharisees# did, separated from 1od because of sinful hearts. Sadl , however, rule+followers, with their pride, refuse to give up. &he can#t accept that salvation can be a free gift= the believe it must be something the can earn. We even see this attitude in the earl church, tr ing to worm its wa into the gospel message, and this continues our histor of the law c cle. It is right there in Daul#s letters. 6aw+strivers are tr ing to pervert the good news of grace, and Daul has to rebuke them. .e wrote to the Dhilippians, Watch out for those dogs, those men who do evil, those mutilators of the flesh." (Dhilippians 9?5) It was a reference to a group called the 4udai,ers who believed that $hristians still had to be circumcised like the 4ews. Daul saw the real message, &here are still things you must do to be saved," and he denounced them forcefull . .e addressed the 4udai,er philosoph again in 1alatians, :ark m wordsM I, Daul, tell ou that if ou let ourselves be circumcised, $hrist will be of no value to ou at all." (1alatians <?/) %nd he made it clear that circumcision was reall nothing more than striving to obe the law.

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3ou who are tr ing to be justified b the law have been alienated from $hrist= ou have fallen awa from grace." (1alatians <?;) It is either grace or law, not both, and onl grace will save. !ut, despite being clearl denounced in the -ew &estament, the law and $hristianit were still not through. Over the past two centuries, the law s stem has continuall tried to pass itself off as part of genuine $hristianit . In his book The &agamuffin #ospel, !rennan :anning tells a revealing stor about the law s stem infiltrating the $hurch. On a bluster October night in a church outside :inneapolis, several hundred believers had gathered for a three+da seminar. I began with a one+hour presentation on the gospel of grace and the realit of salvation. 7sing Scripture, stor , s mbolism, and personal e*perience, I focused on the total sufficienc of the redeeming work of 4esus $hrist on $alvar . &he service ended with a song and a pra er. 6eaving the church b a side door, the pastor turned to his associate and fumed. .umph, that airhead didn#t sa one thing about what we have to do to earn our salvationM"9 &he law s stem is the lie that will not die. We see it in the legalism of the Dharisees, in the first centur threat of the 4udai,ers, and in the religious mindset of some modern churchgoers. !ut the law s stem is reall nothing more than a law c cle, and the law c cle is reall nothing more than the sin c cle. Salvation is not b works,

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so that no+one can boast." (Fphesians 5?C) Salvation is b grace. -o matter how hard we might want to earn it we never can and we never will. !ut, again, ou probabl alread know that. 3ou aren#t reading this book to hear about people who are tr ing to earn salvation. 3ou are reading this book to hear about wh ou are living our dail life b the law s stem. &he Dharisee thing" makes sense, but ever ounce of our being accepts that the onl wa to heaven is b 1od#s grace. So where do we go from here' We go to the last page of our histor lesson, and we discover a new stor , the one we#ve been interested in all along. .owever, as we#ll soon discover, this new stor is actuall nothing more than the same old stor . A 0ew Twist on the !ame Old !tory %s I neared the end of seminar , I began looking for a job. One of the advertisements I found called for a teaching pastor. It listed all of the necessar 2ualifications and then added that the were looking for sermons that hit the ball out of the park ever week." Oka , no pressure. !esides, who gets to decide whether or not a sermon was a home run' 0or the sake of m sanit , I thought it best not to appl . !ut, although I didn#t recogni,e it then, that advertisement was a s mptom of the greatest life+stealing theolog ever to infiltrate the church. It is a new conceptionH keeping both the grace s stem and the law s stem. %nd, unlike past

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attempts to measure up to the standard, this one manages to avoid heres , barel . &he idea is $hristian law+striving, and it is simple, subtle, and brilliant, in a ver diabolical kind of wa . .ere#s how it works. If we split salvation awa from our dail lives, we can depend upon grace for getting into heaven but continue with our law+striving for ever thing else. &hink how clever this is. We know that we can#t earn our salvation, so we can#t get rid of grace. !ut, we also like control and the self+satisfaction of performing, so we don#t want to get rid of the law. 3et splitting salvation and dail living solves the problem, allowing us the best of both worlds. We totall , completel , and wholeheartedl agree that we are saved b grace= and we totall , completel , and wholeheartedl live each da attempting to measure up to the law. It#s perfect. %nd the best part is how easil this is done. %fter all, I don#t get saved ever da or go to heaven ever da , so separating salvation from the rest of m life comes 2uite naturall . Dracticall speaking, here#s what this theolog looks like. I can love 4esus and I can continue running m self frantic. I can love 4esus and I can continue managing m relationships b m own strength. I can love 4esus and I can continue tr ing to win other people#s approval. I can love 4esus and I can continue attempting to fi* m own character flaws. I can love 4esus and I can continue handling m mental health problems. It is $hristian law+striving= grace for salvation, law for life. !ut wait. Wh would an one want

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this' &he law is powerless. It does nothing but take ou around in a circle. 3es, that is true, but we don#t care, for this isn#t about truth. &his is about the same old stor Hpride. 0rom the 1arden of Fden until now, the problem has alwa s been our pride. %dam and Fve think the are read to be like 1od. &he Israelites think that the shouldn#t have to listen to 1od. &he Dharisees think the are good enough to earn 1od#s approval. Dride. Dride. Dride. It#s reall all about mankind#s desire for self+sufficienc . We want to be autonomous, depending upon 1od is too constricting, too humbling. Whether it is the wild+living sinner or the rule+following Dharisee, we want to be the ones in charge of our own lives. %nd, in the case of this theological split, we#ll humble ourselves to accept salvation, but that is as far as we#re willing to go. 4esus can be the 6ord of our lives, just so long as it doesn#t mean our dail lives. %nd so there we have it, the ultimate reason wh we choose the law s stem, because, deep down, we want to. 0rom the beginning, mankind has been tr ing to be in control, whether it be in control of our sin or of our salvation. Dride is the old stor . -ow, even as followers of 4esus, it is still the same. We will acknowledge our need for salvation, but refuse to give up our striving, for striving keeps us in command. It#s twisted and futile, but we don#t care. 1race for salvation= law for life. It is, to us, a reasonable compromise. !ut wait, ou protest. &his still doesn#t make sense. 3ou can understand how punches to our grace card

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could have, unknowingl , shaped us into law+strivers, but ou can#t believe all of this about our pride. We aren#t Dharisees. We genuinel love 1od. Our faith is sincere and we really want to grow. So wh would we consciousl allow our pride to keep us from e*periencing 1od#s best' Well, I#m glad ou asked, for the answer to that 2uestion is that we aren"t consciousl doing it all. Our pride is working subconsciousl , in order to protect something called our personali,ed law, and that is the subject of our ne*t chapter.

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Chapter %o$r: 1o$r Personali2ed-#aw Dett laws breed great crimes." +Ouida 3ou have let go of the commands of 1od and are holding on to the traditions of men." +:ark A?B

When m wife and I were first married, I found out that I didn#t fold towels properl . Well, as a recentl emancipated bachelor, I wasn#t surprised. &hen she proceeded to show me a four step process that bore a remarkable resemblance to origami. I couldn#t do it. She showed me again. I still couldn#t do it. She tried once more, but, when she got to the step that re2uired folding the towel into thirds, I started to cr . (I freel admit that I am embellishing this stor for dramatic effectM) Of course there is no rulebook for folding towels, but, over the ears, we all learn a wa of doing things, and, as a result, that is the wa we do it. 0or instance, do ou carefull s2uee,e the toothpaste from the bottom (the 1od honored wa ), or do ou brutall s2uee,e it in a horrif ingl random fashion' 6ikewise, do ou graciousl allow the toilet paper to flow over the top of the roll and down the front, or do ou inappropriatel let it dangle down from the back' I#m kidding of course, there is no right wa for an of these things. !ut, because we#ve learned them that wa , we can

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often come to believe that our wa is the right wa . So, although there is no real rulebook, we make one. &his rulebook is called our personali,ed+law. It is our own standard of how to live, and, although we ma not reali,e it, our personali,ed+law can be 2uite e*tensive. We have rules about little things, like s2uee,ing toothpaste or hanging toilet paper. %nd we have rules about big things, like being responsible or loving others. %ll rules are about protection, and that is wh we#ve made our personali,ed+law. We want to protect ourselves from doing something the wrong wa , for the wrong wa brings an unpleasant conse2uence, either small or large. S2uee,ing the toothpaste wrong" brings the unpleasant conse2uence of re2uiring more effort in preparing to brush our teeth. 6oving others wrong" brings the unpleasant conse2uence of distance in our relationships. So, to avoid these conse2uences we make rules, and when we put all of these rules together, we get our personali,ed+law. In this chapter, I want to e*plain three things about the personali,ed law. 0irst, how this personali,ed+law gets formed. Second, where this personali,ed+law often goes wrong. %nd, third, wh we become unwilling to give it up. 6et me begin with how this personali,ed+law gets formed. The !hapin" of 1o$r #aw &here is an old counseling stor that has gone around, in various forms, for ears. It tells about a newl married woman who

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is preparing her first &hanksgiving meal. %s she prepares the turke , her husband comes in. Wh are ou cutting the turke in half," he asks her. !ecause ou are supposed to," she replies. -o ou aren#t," he shoots back. 3et she insists, and the couple have a long and heated argument. 0inall , e*asperated, the woman calls her mother to help prove the point. :om," she asks, isn#t it true that when ou cook the turke ou have to cut it in half '" &he sound of uncontrolled laughter comes through the receiver. -o, hone ," her mom finall responds, ou don#t ha%e to cut the turke in half. I just do it that wa because our oven is too small." &he stor of this oung woman shows the first place where our rules come from. We learn them growing up in our families. &his is the wa :om baked the turke , so this must be the wa to bake a turke . &his is the wa :om and 8ad handled conflict in their marriage, so this must be the wa to handle conflict in m marriage. &his is the wa 8ad viewed finances, so this must be the wa to view mone . %s I mentioned earlier, our families are an incubator designed to teach us how to live. &herefore, it is in our families that we form the largest part of our personali,ed+law. 0or the ne*t place our rules come from, I now turn to Dhilip 3ance . %fter graduating from high school, 3ance went off to !ible college, and found himself in a place that loved rules. &his school believed in rules, man rules, si*t +si* pages worth in fact, which we students had to stud and agree to abide b ...%s a college

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senior, engaged, I could spend onl the dinner hour, <?;G D.:. until A D.:., with the woman who is now m wife. Once, we got caught holding hands and were put #on restriction,# forbidden to see each other or speak for two weeks." %nd while upon graduating 3ance would leave behind these rules, others did not. When he returned to the !ible college for his thirtieth reunion 3ance discovered that man of his classmates lives had become profoundl broken, et the old messages from college remained intact. Darado*icall , in narrating their lives m classmates kept resurrecting phrases we had learned in !ible college? #1od is giving me the victor ...I#m walking in triumph.#"; 3ance #s classmates had internali,ed the rule, Being a Christian means e%erything is okay' e%en if it is not. -ot onl do we form rules in our families, we also form them through interactions with other people. Influential men and women enter our lives and show us how things are done, and we often turn their approach into rules. &his is the wa the other $hristians act, so this must be the wa to be a $hristian. &his is the wa m co+workers do the job, so this must be the wa to do the job. &his is the wa m best friend handles stress, so this must be the wa I should handle it. %s we come into contact with others, we learn. %nd often the things we learn get turned into rules, and get added to our own personali,ed+law. 0inall , there is one other wa in which we form rules. 0or over twent ears, professor Ka .augaard had shared with her creative writing classes the short stor The (ottery b Shirle

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4ackson. It is the stor of a strange event occurring in a small town, which, in the end, is discovered to be a human sacrifice. Fach ear, as .augaard taught the stor , she could alwa s count on its conclusion receiving a strong moral denouncement. 3et, b the /CCG#s something had changed. One night, after reading the stor , her class was indifferent. #&he end was neatM# one woman said. #It was all right. It wasn#t that great,# another repeated. #&he just do it,# et another argued, #It#s there ritual.#" .augaard was ama,ed, not one person would denounce human sacrifice. &he view of one woman captured the attitude of the class. Well, I teach a course for our hospital personnel in multicultural understanding, and if it#s a part of a person#s culture, we are taught not to judge, and if it has worked for them...."< %s .augaard discovered, times had changed. % new rule had developed among her students, )%erything is relati%e. So where did .augaardEs students learn this new rule' .ad the all come to this conclusion on their own' $ertainl not, the had been taught it, ironicall , b their own culture. %nd this is true for all of us. Our rules are being taught to us through the voice of culture. &his is the wa our culture views beliefs, so this must be the wa to view beliefs. &his is the wa our culture defines beaut , so this must be the wa beaut is defined. &his is the wa our culture recogni,es success, so this must be the meaning of successful. Without our recogni,ing it, our culture is teaching us rules. &hen we take these rules and add them to our personali,ed+ law.

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Our families, other people, and our culture. &hese are the three things that most significantl help to define our rules. %nd while certainl not ever thing we are taught b our families, other people, and our culture is bad, I have deliberatel chosen illustrations that point out the negative. Wh ' !ecause of our subject matter in this book. 8o ou notice an thing familiar about these three rule+makers' Of course, these are the same three forces which can make us into law+strivers. : conclusion earlier was that our performance+based families, other performance+based people, and our performance+ based culture have helped cause us to live our lives under the law s stem. 0or most of us, these three have punched our grace cards, teaching us the most powerful rule of all, perform or else. %nd, at the same time we were learning perform or else, we were also learning lots of other rules, about all kinds of things. : point here is this. If ou are a law+striver, man of the rules ou live b were taught to ou along with the law s stem. &his is wh the have become rules and not just guidelines. &his is wh the toothpaste has to be s2uee,ed from the bottom instead of allowing it to just be a preference. 3ou have to follow the rules because following the rules is a measure of our performance. (hat*s (ron" with o$r Personali2ed-#aw &hink back to the stor about the woman slicing the turke in half. &he conflict involved the woman making a rule and being

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unwilling to give it up. 0or our purposes, the major problem with our personali,ed+law lies here, when the rules become infle*ible. I want ou to consider the rules that govern our life. If ou look carefull ou will see that the fall into two categories? functional rules, and emotional rules. 0unctional rules are things like how to manage a household, how to do our job, and how to handle finances. Fmotional rules are things like how to deal with anger, how to view our mistakes, and how to love others. -ow, on a ten point scale with ten being completel infle*ible," how would ou score our functional rules' .ow about our emotional rules' &he higher our score, the more ou are living that area of our life b the law s stem. (Some people are law+strivers in one area, some in both.) $an ou see the connection between infle*ibilit and the law s stem' We are infle*ible regarding our rules when we are afraid not to uphold them. %s I mentioned earlier in this chapter, we make rules in order to protect ourselves. Deople who are living under the law s stem have created rules to protect themselves from the feelings of inade2uac and shame that result when the cannot get it right." It is perform or else applied to cleaning, lawn+mowing, grocer lists, and laundr . It is perform or else applied to sadness, conflict, friendships, and self+image. &he more rigid our rules, the more ou are living in fear of or else. 6ike the Dharisees with their customs and traditions, we have made up our own rules for life in order to be good enough." &he had rules about cups and dishes. We have rules about cups

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and dishes. &he had rules about interacting with people. We have rules about interacting with people. %nd in both the Dharisees# case and our own, these rules have lost sight of 1od#s true standard. 3et, just as with the Dharisees, we don#t care. We are going to obe these rules even if the kill us. We are not going to give them up even if 1od personall tells us to. We are $hristian law+strivers, and this is our law, our personali,ed+law, and we are determined to keep it. !ut wh are we doing this' Wh not simpl let go of our rules and our performing' !ecause of last chapter#s lesson, pride. %nd now we#ll put all the pieces together. 3nwillin" to #et )o In 6uke chapter fourteen, 4esus has another encounter with the Dharisees about obe ing the Sabbath. 4esus is eating at a Dharisee#s house when he decides to heal a man suffering from drops . One Sabbath, when 4esus went to eat in the house of a prominent Dharisee, he was being carefull watched. &here in front of him was a man suffering from drops . 4esus asked the Dharisees and e*perts in the law, LIs it lawful to heal on the Sabbath or not'L !ut the remained silent. So taking hold of the man, he healed him and sent him awa . &hen he asked them, LIf one of ou has a son or an o* that falls into a well on the Sabbath da , will ou not

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immediatel pull him out'L %nd the had nothing to sa . (6uke /;?/+@) 4esus# 2uestion is a simple one. Of course ou should pull our son or an o* out of a well, even if it is the Sabbath. !ut notice the Dharisees# response, or lack of one. Fven though the answer to the 2uestion is obvious it contradicts their rules, and so the refuse to speak. Wh ' &he reason is simple, pride. &he Dharisees were too proud to admit the were wrong, too proud to change, and too proud to give up on what the were tr ing to prove. &hings haven#t changed much in the past two thousand ears. We are e*actl the same. I once had a conflict with a gu during a card game. It wasn#t about the game. It was about the fact that he was making fun of me. &o be more specific, he was making fun of a pra er re2uest that I had shared at our last !ible stud meeting. Doint blank, in front of two other gu s from our group, he laughed at it. : response was ver clear. I didn#t appreciate it, and I told him so. 6ater that weekend, he called me to apologi,e. &his is e*actly what he said. I just wanted to sa I#m sorr for what I did, but what ou did was worseM" 7h, thanks for the apolog . Sadl , however, I see this same behavior in m self all the time. I blow it with m wife, and I#d rather have a root canal than admit that I was wrong. &his is the first reason wh we can#t let go of our personali,ed+law. We are too proud to admit that the s stem b

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which we have been living doesn#t work. %s $hristian law+strivers, we will acknowledge that we can#t make it to heaven on our own, because that is abstract and theological, but acknowledge a problem in our dail lives' Oh no. 8on#t tr and tell us that we are doing our work wrong or our relationships wrong or our house+keeping wrong or our self+image wrong, that is personal, and we#ll have none of it. 3eah, 1od, thanks for pointing out the truth. I have been living m entire live b m own strength instead of ours. &hanks again." .mm, I don#t think so. Instead, we act just like the Dharisees, refusing to acknowledge the obvious. In college, I had a good friend who did not believe in $hristianit . .e had a brilliant mind and loved to debate, and so we would often go back and forth about faith. One evening, he and I began one of these conversations during dinner. It continued until the closed the dinning hall. So we went outside and kept talking in the parking lot. &here is no 2uestion, he was much smarter than I, but, in one of those .ol Spirit moments, m argument left him speechless. It was either accept $hristianit or ignore the logic of our conclusion. 6ooking somewhat troubled, he said to me, I#ll have to think about that." I couldn#t wait until the ne*t time that I saw him. Surel he would be read to follow 4esus, or so I thought. When we met for dinner the ne*t da , I was e*tremel disappointed, for he acted as if we had never even had our previous conversation. Sadl , this is something I#ve e*perienced countless times

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since then, and not just about faith. Deople don#t want to change, m self included. So, when faced with giving up our old wa of life, even if our old wa isn#t working, we prefer to sta the same. &he reason is pride. We are too proud to change. %nd this is the second reason we won#t give up our personali,ed+law, because we don#t want to do things differentl . 3es, our personali,ed+law is a dead end. 3es, it is beating up our self+image. 3es, it is wreaking havoc on our relationships. !ut change' $hange is hard work, so I#ll just keep doing it m wa . Fven if our wa is like banging our head against a brick wall' 3es, even if m wa is like banging m head against a brick wall. Our personali,ed+law ma be d sfunctional, but it#s comfortable. In his book Counterfeit #ods, &imoth Keller tells the stor of :ar , a woman who once attended his church. &hroughout her life :ar had struggled with mental illness, and in order to allow him to better assist, she gave Keller permission to talk with her therapist. :ar virtuall worships her parents# approval of her," her counselor told me, and the alwa s wanted her to be a world class artist. She is 2uite good, but she#s never reached the top of her profession, and she cannot live with the idea that she has disappointed her parents." :edications helped to manage her depression, but the could not get to the root of it. .er problem was a false belief, driven b an idol. She told herself, If I cannot be a

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well+known violinist, I have let down m parents and m life is a failure." She was distressed and guilt enough to die.@ :ar #s stor is a sad and familiar one. .er personali,ed+law had left her deepl depressed. !ut, as difficult as it ma be to hear, at its core, her problem was pride. :ar had something to prove to her parents, and to herself. She was determined that she would meet their e*pectations and become a world+class violinist. It didn#t matter that the pursuit was killing her, she was going to achieve the goal. !ut, after learning the truth about her personali,ed+law, wh didn#t she just give it up' !ecause, deep down, she didn#t want to, and this is the same for all of us. We don#t want to give up our personali,ed+law because we have something to prove. We are going to show that parent that we have what it takes. We are going to show that teacher that we will amount to something. We are going to show our culture that we are worth of acceptance. 1iving up on our personali,ed+law would mean letting go of all of this, and, deep down, we aren#t willing. 3ou and I have held on to our self+destructive rules because we want to show others, and ourselves, that we#ve got what it takes. Our personali,ed+law is the basis of our law s stem, and just like an law s stem, it is reall nothing more than a law c cle. %round and around we go, striving to perform, and all the while we are getting no where. !ut, sadl , we don#t even recogni,e the

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problem, for this isn#t a conscious choice. -o one sa s, .e , I#m going to choose pride over personal growth." 3et, even though it isn#t a conscious choice, it is a choice. We are doing this to ourselves because we don#t want to admit we are wrong, we don#t want to change, and we don#t want to give up on what we are tr ing to prove. Dride. It is the same old stor . %nd, although we ma not reali,e it, this is wh we continue to live b the law. 3ou don#t see them much an more, but, when I was a kid, the used to be found in ever park. It was the metal merr +go+ round, and I#m convinced that it was the most dangerous piece of pla ground e2uipment ever invented. % spinning circle of doom, ou would run as fast as ou could to get it going and then hold on for dear life. &he laws of ph sics demanded that ou would go fl ing off, and et ou insisted in def ing them. 3et, inevitabl , ou or someone else would fail to hold on, getting thrown into the dirt and blood ing a knee. Our personali,ed+law is just like that metal merr +go+ round. %round and around we go, going nowhere. %ll the while, we are in danger of being thrown off, and sometimes we are. 3et, despite the hurt and pain, we get back on again. !ut this is a game for children, not for grown+ups, and it is time to stop pla ing. 6ife is too short to waste it in an endless, self+defeating, self+destructive spiral. &he law doesn#t work. Instead, it is time to find a wa that does, and, thankfull , there is such a wa . It is called grace.

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Chapter %i+e: )race4A Different (ay Deople do not grow until the shift from a natural human view of 1od to a real, biblical view of 1od. &he first aspect of that shift has to be the shift from a 1od of law to the 1od of grace. Deople must discover that 1od is for them and not against them." +.enr $loud and 4ohn &ownsend %nd 1od is able to make all grace abound to ou, so that in all things at all times, having all that ou need, ou will abound in ever good work." +5 $orinthians C?B

If the road ou are traveling on is painfull difficult, it might be time to look for another road. If the road ou are traveling on is painfull difficult and it will not take ou where ou want to go, it is definitely time to look for another road. &he law does not work. %s a s stem for salvation it is a tumultuous road that leads to a dead end. %nd, as a s stem b which to live our life, the destination is the same. 3et, thankfull , there is another road. &here is the wa of grace. It leads where ou want to go, not just to heaven, but to real life. 1od intended ou to be full alive. .e designed ou to grow, not to be stuck. .e made ou for relationships not for turmoil. .e wants ou to enjo who ou are

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not be filled with self+loathing. %ll of these things can happen, but onl on the right road. %ll of these things can happen, but onl on the road of grace. In this chapter, our goal is to understand this road of grace, and not just part of it, but all of it. 0or real grace is both salvation+grace and power+to+live grace= the two are inseparable, as a return to a former illustration will tr to e*plain. The Two !ides of )race When last we saw ou, a police officer had escorted ou inside of the courthouse for violating the cit law about walking on the grass. -ow the officer is ushering ou into a courtroom. %ll will rise," declares the bailiff, as the judge enters the room and takes his seat. &he judge is a distinguished, white+haired gentleman who smiles kindl as he looks at ou. -o problem," ou think to ourself, I#ll just e*plain that I didn#t know about the law, and I#ll be out of here in a couple of minutes." !ut then our confidence is shaken. % man ou had not previousl noticed steps out of the shadows. .e is a wild+e ed man with a dark and menacing scowl, and he approaches the bench with a strange mi* of haughtiness and timidit . It strikes ou immediatel that he is the prosecuting attorne . 3our honor," he begins in a tone of surprising disrespect, as if he is acknowledging the judge#s superiorit and he does not wish to, this man has broken the law. %nd the law is clear. .e must be punished." With an e*pression of grave

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sadness, the judge listens patientl and then turns his attention slowl towards ou. Is this true," he asks, did ou break the law'" 3our honor," ou begin, I can e*plain. I didn#t know about the law." % painful e*pression crosses the judges face, and for a brief moment ou wonder if he might become emotional, but the moment passes and he resumes. Wasn#t there a sign posted' Wasn#t the law clear'" Suddenl the judge looks more regal than before, and the weight of his presence makes denial seem impossible. 3es," ou respond 2uietl , there was a sign. &he law was clear." 3ou notice as a wr smile crosses the face of the prosecuting attorne . %fter a long pause, the judge sighs, takes his e es off ou, and stares directl at the prosecutor. (7nable to handle the look, the attorne glances at the floor.) .e has broken the law," the judge states firml . %nd he must receive the conse2uence." In a state of shock, ou are lead awa to an awaiting jail cell. 6ater that afternoon, ou are sitting on our bunk, absentl looking at the prison wall. It is over," ou think to ourself, I#ll never get out of here." !ut then ou hear the noise of footsteps coming down the hall. &wo men stop in front of our cell. One man is the police officer and the other is our best friend. Well, ou#re free," the officer sa s, as he unlocks the door. What," ou answer, how'" 3our friend here has taken care of ever thing," the officer replies. 3ou can#t believe it. %s ou walk out of the cell, ou begin to thank our friend, when the officer cuts ou off.

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Oka , in ou go," he sa s. Wait, what'" ou e*claim, I just got out." -o," the policeman responds, not ou, himM" 8umbfounded, ou watch helplessl as our best friend enters the cell and has the door locked behind him. .ow can this be'" ou ask the officer incredulousl . &he law sa s the conse2uence must be paid," the officer e*plains, but there is a stipulation. It doesn#t have to be paid b are stunned b ou. %n innocent man can pa it for ou." 3ou our friend#s loving+kindness.

&his is grace, and 4esus is that best friend. !ut wait, the stor is not over et. % few minutes later, ou are standing with the police officer on the courthouse steps. 3ou are about to go on our wa , when the officer speaks. .e , before ou go, I#ve got some reall good news." 3ou look at him. 0rom now on," he continues, in a confidential tone, ou can walk on the grass an time ou want to." What," ou respond, how#s that' Stepping on the grass is what got me in this mess in the first place." 3eah," sa s the officer, but the law is also clear about something else. Once the penalt has been paid, ou can#t be tried again. 3ou, m friend, can walk on the grass to our heart#s content." %nd, with that, he disappears back inside the courthouse. .ow ironic," ou think, as ou walk down the steps, after all of this, I can walk on the grass an time I want to." &ired from the ordeal, ou go over to the bench where all of this began and ou sit down. &here, in front of ou, is the beautiful grass. %nd there, in front of ou, is the same sign, !on"t Step n The

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#rass. Suddenl , ou feel that familiar temptation to walk on the grass. I should ou know," ou muse. %n wa , nothing is going to happen to me if I do." !ut then ou remember our best friend and what he has done for ou, and stepping on the grass no longer seems like such a good idea. -o," ou sa out loud, that sign is there for a good reason. I won#t step on the grass." &hen ou get up and walk home, on the sidewalk. %nd, as ou do, ou can#t help but notice that ou feel different. What our best friend did has changed ou. !efore his sacrifice, ou couldn#t stop ourself from stepping on the grass, but now ou can. Somehow, it is like ou have been given new strength. I#m sure the moral of this stor is clear. When we break the law there is a conse2uence, and the conse2uence for breaking 1od#s law is not a prison cell, but death. It has been this wa since the 1arden of Fden. !ut 1od had a plan. 0or the wages of sin is death, but the gift of 1od is eternal life in $hrist 4esus our 6ord." (>omans @?59) 4esus would pa for our sin b d ing in our place. %ll we have to do is take .im as our best friend, thus accepting the ama,ing gift. &hat if ou confess with our mouth, #4esus is 6ord,# and believe in our heart that 1od raised him from the dead, ou will be saved." (>omans /G?C) &his is grace. It means unmerited favor. 3ou did not earn it. 3ou could not earn it. 4esus did all the work for ou. .e paid the conse2uences. %s a result, ou go free. !ut wait, that is not the end of the stor . 1race does more than just free ou from the

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conse2uences. 1race also gives ou the power to sta off the grass. ! our own strength we could not keep ourselves from sinning. !ut 4esus came to change that too. In :atthew, 4esus said, 8o not think that I have come to abolish the 6aw or the Drophets= I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them." (:atthew <?/A) &his means that the law is not going an where, but that it does not have to. &he word fulfill means to fill to the +rim. 4esus completed the re2uirements of the law to the ver top, and as his followers, the law no longer has power over us. &his means we are free to obe the law or disobe it, but because of what 4esus has done for us, we now want to obe it. %nd, unlike before, this time we can, for we aren#t obe ing b our own strength, but b the the strength of the one who has fulfilled the law. In other words, the grace that has come to us through 4esus does two things? it frees us from the conse2uences of the law and it gives us the power to live right. 0or most of us, this is where our problem lies. We#ve stopped the stor earl , taking the first part of grace and forsaking the second. !ut it is a great traged , for the second part of grace, the power to live right is so much more than mere rule+following. &he power to live right is the power to live as we#ve alwa s wanted to. 6iving right is living well and living free. We#ll e*plore all of this in more detail in a later chapter, but, for now, it is enough to see that grace releases us from the life+stealing strain of the law s stem. 4esus said this too. We have just failed to reali,e it.

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The Easy 1o5e One of the most misunderstood passages of the !ible is found in the 1ospel of :atthew. It is the passage where 4esus sa s, $ome to me, all ou who are wear and burdened, and I will give ou rest. &ake m 0or m oke upon ou and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and ou will find rest for our souls. oke is eas and m burden is light." (:atthew //?5B+9G) & picall , this passage is used to offer us comfort. %nd while 4esus is a comforter, that isn#t really what the passage is about. It is reall about the neglected side of grace. &he ke to understanding the passage is the word yoke. In !iblical times, the word oke was a s mbol of a great burden or heav responsibilit . It took on this s mbolism from the use of a oke on a farm, i.e. an animal would be oked to a heav plow. !ut in -ew &estament times, oke added another meaning. Taking the yoke from a 4ewish rabbi meant that ou were going to follow him, living out his teachings. %nd, in :atthew eleven, 4esus is cleverl referring to both uses. &hose who are wear and burdened are those who have been wearing the oke of the Dharisees, which, at the time, would be the vast majorit of the common people. %s ou recall, the Dharisees were the main religious teachers of the da and the were law+strivers, tr ing to obe the law b their own power. In contrast to their heav oke, however, 4esus# oke was light. .e was gentle and humble in heart," in other words, gracious, and 4esus# wa was free from performance.

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In this passage, 4esus# invitation is not primaril about bringing us comfort. 4esus# invitation is about switching s stems, going from the law to grace. %nd this invitation to grace is not just about salvation+grace. If 4esus is referring to salvation at all .e certainl isn#t referring to it e*clusivel , for the burden of the Dharisees was an ever da , real+life burden. -o, 4esus is inviting us to e*perience end+of+striving, power+to+live grace. In other words, .e is offering us the side of grace that ou and I are missing. 1race brings two things, salvation and life. It alwa s has, and alwa s will. &he onl 2uestion is whether or not we will receive both halves or onl one. Interestingl , the ver meaning of the word grace shows that it is more than just salvation, et for some reason we have overlooked this too. So ne*t, let#s e*amine the definition of grace, that we might understand it in all of its fullness. %nd, if we are going to e*plore a theological term, who better to turn to then the !ible#s number one theologian, the %postle Daul. The Definition of )race Whenever we have a 2uestion about theolog Daul is often the first place we turn, especiall when it comes to his e*pertiseH the meaning of grace. In fact, his teachings on grace form the foundation of the $hristian doctrine of salvation. 0or it is b grace ou have been saved, through faithHand this not from ourselves, it is the gift of 1odH not b works, so that no+one can

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boast." (Fphesians 5?B+C) I do not set aside the grace of 1od, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, $hrist died for nothingM" (1alatians 5?5/) %nd if b grace, then it is no longer b works= if it were, grace would no longer be grace." (>omans //?@) &ime and time again, Daul defines, e*plains, and defends grace as the only wa to heaven. !ut, what we often don#t reali,e is that grace means a lot more to Daul than just salvation. .ere are e*amples where Daul uses the word grace in reference to situations completel unrelated to salvation. .e uses the word grace in his salutations? 1race and peace to ou from 1od our 0ather and the 6ord 4esus $hrist." (Dhilippians /?5) &o the hol and faithful brothers in $hrist at $olosse? 1race and peace to ou from 1od our 0ather." ($olossians /?5) .e uses the word grace in his farewells? &he grace of our 6ord 4esus $hrist be with our spirit, brothers. %men." (1alatians @?/B) I, Daul, write this greeting in m own hand. >emember m chains. 1race be with ou." ($olossians ;?/B) .e uses the word grace to talk about the work 1od has given him to do? ! the grace 1od has given me, I laid a foundation as an e*pert builder, and someone else is building on it. !ut each one should be careful how he builds." (/ $orinthians 9?/G) 4ames, Deter and 4ohn, those reputed to be pillars, gave me and !arnabas the right hand of fellowship when the recogni,ed the grace given to me. &he agreed that we should go to the 1entiles, and the to the 4ews." (1alatians 5?C) %nd he uses the word grace to indicate a source of strength. 3ou then, m

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son, be strong in the grace that is in $hrist 4esus." (5 &imoth 5?/) &he grace of the 6ord 4esus $hrist be with our spirit." (Dhilemon /?5<) %gain, none of these uses of the word grace have an thing to do with eternal life. So what e*actl did grace mean to Daul' .ow would he define it' In 1reek, the word grace is charis (kharE+ece) it means lo%ing,kindness. %nd, loving+kindness is e*actl what it sounds like, an act of love and kindness, which b its ver nature is alwa s undeserved. &his is what grace meant to Daul. .e saw it as 1od#s loving+kindness towards us, and this e*plains how he could use it to refer both to salvation and to life. 6ook again at Daul#s uses of the word grace, and see how the alwa s refer to acts of 1od#s love and kindness. %nd 1od raised us up with $hrist and seated us with him in the heavenl realms in $hrist 4esus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, e*pressed in his kindness to us in $hrist 4esus." (Fphesians 5?@+A) &o Daul, our salvation is the result of 1od#s love and kindness. !ut when 1od, who set me apart from birth and called me b his grace, was pleased to reveal his Son in me so that I might preach him among the 1entiles, I did not consult an man," (1alatians /?/<+/@) &o Daul, the call on his life was the result of 1od#s love and kindness. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us." (>omans /5?@a) &o Daul, ever one#s giftings are the result of 1od#s love and kindness. :a our 6ord 4esus $hrist himself and 1od our 0ather,

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who loved us and b his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope," (5 &hessalonians 5?/@) %nd, to Daul, our hope is the result of 1od#s love and kindness. Daul saw grace ever where, in salvation and in life, because grace is 1od#s loving+kindness, and 1od is so ver loving and kind. &his is wh living b the grace s stem is so light compared to living b the law s stem, because 1od is loving and kind. %nd, because .e is loving and kind, we no longer need to strive after love. 0or we must remember, the striving of the law s stem isn#t reall about obe ing all the rules= the striving of the law s stem is reall about tr ing to earn 1od#s love. !ut with the grace s stem we don#t have to strive to earn it, for we#ve alwa s got it. %nd, as a result, grace forever destro s the endless spiral of the law c cle. )race Disarms the #aw-Cycle I have a friend who insists that there is one ke to the $hristian life. .e believes that we grow when we understand our true identit in $hrist. I think, at the core, m friend is right. %nd I believe he is right because in $hrist our identit is now based upon the grace s stem. We no longer have to perform for love= we are loved unconditionall . In the -ew &estament, this idea is conve ed when $hristians are called the Children of #od. .ow great is the love the 0ather has lavished on us, that we should be called children of 1odM %nd that is what we areM" (/ 4ohn 9?/a) 0or man people the concept of 1od as our 0ather can be hard to

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appreciate. &he have had parents who loved with strings attached. !ut imagine, if ou can, a perfect 0ather who loves regardless of our performance= that is what the -ew &estament refers to. &hrough $hrist, we are now our 0ather#s children, loved without condition. 1od knows, I#m far from a perfect father. !ut, in spite of m man flaws, I tr to conve to m children that the are alwa s loved. >ecentl , I was tired and didn#t feel like pla ing with m kids, but I gathered the energ and started a new game I made up called Bear Ca%e. In this game, the bear (me) has taken all of the stuffed animals from the village and put them in his cave. &he villagers (m kids) must sneak into the bear cave and rescue the stuffed animals without being caught. I thought the kids would love it, and two of the three did. !ut, after one round, m ounger son decided he had had enough, and without him the game fell apart. 7gh. When I built the bear cave out of mattresses and blankets I had e*pected that we would pla for more than fifteen minutes. : frustration was compounded b the fact that he has a pattern of random stubbornness. .e will suddenl decide that he doesn#t want to do something even though I know from e*perience that he#d enjo it. &hinking this stubbornness was the real cause of his 2uitting, I took him aside and told him that I was frustrated that he wouldn#t pla an more. I didn#t ell, but I told him the truth about this repeated behavior. Well, m son is sensitive in ever

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good sense of the word, but this sensitivit also causes him to collapse at the slightest bit of conflict. So after I talked to him, he went into a corner and pouted, and pouted, and pouted some more. 0inall , I called him into the kitchen, kneeled down to his height, and asked, $an we be friends again'" .e nodded. &hen I gave him an enormous hug. %fterward, for the rest of the night, he was his sweet old self again. : son#s reaction to our conflict was a perfect picture of our identit under the law s stem. 7nder the law, we think our performance is tied to the relationship. If I am good' I am lo%ed. If I am +ad' I am unlo%ed. So, when we fail, we go off and pout in the corner. We are unlovable so we must be disconnected and ashamed. !ut the message I wanted to conve to m son was I lo%e you' all the time. &his is the grace s stem. We are loved, period. Our performance does not sever the relationship. -othing changes because we#ve failed. Dut another wa , under the law s stem our identit is either I am good or I am +ad. If we are good we are loved. If we are bad we aren#t. !ut under the grace s stem our identit is alwa s, unceasingl , irrevocabl I am lo%ed' period. 8o ou see the vast difference' What drives all of us is the pursuit of love. 7nder the law s stem we tr to earn it. 7nder the grace s stem we can never lose it. %nd the distinction between these two realities changes ever thing. We all need to be loved, it is a non+negotiable. So, if we are living b the law s stem, failing is terrif ing. It means

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complete isolation. %s a result, we tr harder to win that love, onl to fail again. !ut, if we are living under the grace s stem, failing is not terrif ing. We know that we are alwa s loved, and nothing can change that. &he !ible e*plains it like this. &here is no fear in love. !ut perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. &he one who fears is not made perfect in love." (/ 4ohn ;?/B) In other words, the grace s stem is based in 1od#s perfect love. 7nlike with the law s stem, we do not need to fear the conse2uences of our behavior, for 1od#s love will not be withdrawn. %t the risk of being redundant, the ke to the grace s stem is that nothing, absolutel nothing, can change our identities as 1od#s children. &here is no discretion we could possibl commit, no failure so large that will ever take awa 1od#s unconditional love for us. &he %postle Daul said it like this. Who will bring an charge against those whom 1od has chosen' It is 1od who justifies. Who is he that condemns' $hrist 4esus, who diedHmore than that, who was raised to lifeHis at the right hand of 1od and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of $hrist' Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword' %s it is written? L0or our sake we face death all da long= we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.L -o, in all these things we are more than con2uerors through him who loved us. 0or I am convinced

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that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor an powers, neither height nor depth, nor an thing else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of 1od that is in $hrist 4esus our 6ord. (>omans B?99+9C) -othing can separate us from the love of 1od. -othing. &he grace s stem means that we will always have the love that we need. &he grace s stem means that we will always be our 0ather#s beloved child, always, period, end of discussion. 1od is a perfect 0ather, and we are .is children. Our 8add loves us, no strings attached. %nd this is the power of the grace s stem. It destro s the law c cle with its endless pursuit of self+justification, because we are alread justified. We are alread loved. Success or failure have no impact on our identit . So, each time that we fail, we don#t need to sit in the corner and condemn ourselves. If we don#t get the job done at work, we#re oka . If we lose our temper with our kids, we#re oka . If we can#t hit our ideal weight, we#re oka . If we let our spouse down, we#re oka . If we don#t live up to our parent#s e*pectations, we#re oka . If we fail morall , we#re oka . We are still loved. Derforming better is irrelevant to that realit . 1ood+b e law c cle. The !o$rce of o$r Appro+al !ut wait. 1od ma love us unconditionall , but others don#t. :ost people e*pect us to perform or else. %fter all, that#s

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where our personali,ed+law came from. 3es, that#s true. !ut, while their approval might be nice, it isn#t the approval that matters. While writing to the 1alatians, Daul said, %m I now tr ing to win the approval of men, or of 1od' Or am I tr ing to please men' If I were still tr ing to please men, I would not be a servant of $hrist." (1alatians /?/G) When we sign up for the grace s stem we are also changing who we look to as the source of our approval. &he grace s stem is the s stem for those who follow 4esus, and it means that we now tie our identit to .im. In other words, before an thing or an one else, we define ourselves as the children of 1od. 0irst, we are 1od#s beloved child. &hen, we are a spouse, a parent, a worker, or a friend. 7nder the law s stem, we get this order backwards. &he theological word for this is idolatr . &he practical word for it is foolish. When we put the conditional approval of others in front of unconditional approval of 1od, we wind up living out a roller coaster. &oda the approve, so we are oka = tomorrow the don#t, so we aren#t oka . &here is nothing wrong with having the approval of those we care about and look up to, it#s a great thing. !ut, if it is their approval that defines us, we will never stop living our lives b the law s stem. 0irst, we must be defined b 1od#s love, for .is love does not waver and .is love is alwa s enough. &hen, with our identities secure, the approval of others becomes nothing more than icing on the cake, which is all it should be.

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6ecei+in" )race !efore closing this chapter, one more thing needs to be said. If ou are a follower of 4esus the grace s stem is ours, ever bit of it. &o 1od, there is no separation between the grace that saves ou and the grace b which ou live. 3ou are entirel free from the law alread . 0or man of us, however, we are refusing half of grace, the power+to+live half. %nd, although 1od wants ever part of us to be in relationship with .im, relationships re2uire two people. We can push awa .is loving+kindness. >emember the stor of m son pouting in the corner' I didn#t want him to disconnect from me. .e chose to. I never stopped loving him, but he decided to stop receiving it. 1od wants us to receive ever bit of the love that .e has for us. 1od wants us to reali,e we don#t have to live b the law. &he grace that saves us is available for us ever da , if onl we#ll accept it. Our 0ather is a perfect 0ather. .e is waiting to have all of us= we are the onl ones limiting the relationship. We are the ones striving to perform. %nd we are the ones punishing ourselves when we fail. !ut its time to stop sitting in the corner feeling sorr for ourselves. It is time to choose grace.

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Chapter !i7: The !i"ns &here can be a fundamental gulf of gracelessness in a human heart which neither our love nor our courage can bridge." +:rs. Datrick $ampbell $hrist is the end of the law so that there ma be righteousness for ever one who believes." +>omans /G?; &he car suddenl lurched and made a horrible sound. Knowing I was onl a few blocks from the house, I slowed to a crawl and nervousl continued on. %s I went on the noise persisted, but thankfull , didn#t grow worse. Fventuall I made it home, and once in the drivewa , I did what I thought to be the sensible thing. I opened the hood of the car and, seeing nothing, closed it again. &hen I went inside and hoped that a good rest was all the car needed. (What can I sa ' I#m an optimist.) &he ne*t morning, as I headed out the door for work, I was worried about whether or not m car could get me there. It started up, and it sounded okay, so I headed down the road. !ut just before taking the on ramp to the highwa , the horrible noise returned. What should I do' 8eciding on the onl logical course of action, I turned up the radio and kept going. -ot surprisingl , two miles later, on a free,ing cold morning, I sputtered to a stop on the side

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of the interstate. Our lives are often like that incident with m car. &here are plent of warning signs that things aren#t going well, but we ignore them. Fither from bus ness or a lack of knowledge or both, we keep on tr ing to move forward when all logic sa s it#s time to stop. So far we#ve e*amined the two options b which we can live our lives? the law s stem and the grace s stem. %nd, I#ve suggested that most $hristians accept the grace s stem for their salvation but live their dail lives b the law s stem. -ow it#s time to get practical. %re you living b the law' If so, our life will be filled with the warning signs. 8on#t overlook them, for the are the natural indicators of a life that is breaking. Instead, take the time to stop and get some repairs. In other words, if ou are e*periencing these warning signs, now is our chance to switch to the grace s stem before ou end up stranded on the side of the road. The (arnin" !i"ns of the #aw !ystem If ou are living our life b the law s stem, I can guarantee that ou are hearing a clanking noise coming from under the hood. Perform or else just doesn#t work. It can#t be sustained. It will break ou down. What this looks like for ou ma be different than what this looks like for me, but one or more of the warning signs are alwa s present. !elow is a list of these signs. It isn#t an e*haustive list, but it is made up of man of the common

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problems. We#ll e*amine them all in detail in just a moment, but take an honest inventor . .ow man of the following are significant issues for ou' Derfectionism $ontrolling !ehavior Door Self+Image %nger 4udgment Selfishness 7nforgiveness 8efensiveness %cting Out :ental .ealth Droblems What do ou think' Is one or more of these a serious problem for ou' If so, it is probabl an indication that ou are living our life b the law s stem. (In the case of mental health problems, it can be a sign of living b the law. I#ll clarif this more later.) So, in order to more full understand how this works, let#s look at each of these warning signs in more detail.

Perfectionism
% friend of mine still teases me about a class we had in college. It was a math class and I had gotten a ninet +seven percent on a test. %fter looking it over, however, I was convinced that the professor had made a mistake. When I went to him asking

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for m additional points, he just rolled his e es. I couldn#t understand wh = after all, I#d earned the points. -ow I see it clearl , m behavior was perfectionistic, and it was the defining characteristic of m entire undergraduate career. In ever class, the goal was alwa s an %, an thing less was a disappointment. %s such, I would spend hour after hour stud ing while m friends were out having fun. Sadl , m intensit wasn#t driven b a desire for a competitive graduate program, it was driven b the law. Inside of me there was no grace. : entire life was perform or elseM Derfectionism is e*actl what it sounds likeHthe need to get ever thing absolutel right. It is a mindset of black+or+white. When something ou do is perfect ou are good. When something ou do is imperfect ou are bad. &here is no middle ground, no gra . If ou can#t tolerate the slightest mistake, ou are a perfectionist. If ou have lots of lists and find ourself frustrated when ou can#t mark ever thing off of them, ou are a perfectionist. If ou will work and re+work a project until there are no flaws, ou are a perfectionist. %nd the heart of perfectionism is alwa s the personali,ed+law. Derfectionists must meet all of their rules or else the e*perience an overwhelming amount of condemnation and shame. So, determined to avoid such condemnation and shame, the strive to never make a mistake. It is a lifest le built completel around the law c cle. %nd the saddest part, perfectionists think the are onl holding themsel%es to this perfect standard, but it isn#t true.

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Knowing onl one measuring stick, the can#t help but to compare others to it as well. %s a result, the people around a perfectionist also get hurt. &he feel as if the aren#t loved or as if the can never measure up. >emember / 4ohn ;?/B, &here is no fear in love. !ut perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. &he one who fears is not made perfect in love." Ironicall , the love of a perfectionist is not perfect love, for those closest to them grow afraid of being unable to live up to the perfectionist#s e*pectations. Derfectionism is the ver definition of a life lived under the law s stem.

Controllin" Beha+ior
.oward .ughes, the eccentric millionaire pla bo , had an insatiable desire for control. .ere is a note that he wrote to his staff regarding his clothing. (.ughes is referring to himself in the third+person.) .e wants all coats that need to be cleaned to be cleaned and hung together some place. .e wants the same thing done with the trousers and hung together awa from the coats. &he ma be put in the same closet, but segregated. .e wants all shirts and ever thing else laundered and put in a container of some kind. It is not good to leave these in the laundr bo*es because there are other items in there too. %ll pockets should be emptied. &his means pockets in shirts, coats and overcoats...Whatever ou take out of

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the pockets should be placed in the proper categor -"dead storage items" or "acti%e items".. %nd his desire for control was not just limited to his clothing, it e*tended to people too. %s 8onald !arlett and 4ames Steele e*plain, &hose who worked near were instructed not to touch him, not to look at him, and not to speak to him directl ."A So where did this intense desire for control come from' I believe it came from his personali,ed+law. Whenever we tr to control people and circumstances, both of which 1od has made outside of our control, the underl ing reason is the law. !eing controlling is naturall about the fear of being out of control, and returning once more to first 4ohn ;?/B, fear has to do with punishment," and punishment means law. It works like this. I need to be in control because, if not, m personali,ed law tells me I#m bad or unlovable. (In actualit , with the law s stem, bad and unlovable are reall one and the same thing.) So the woman who incessantl cleans the house is afraid that a dirt house means she is bad. %nd the man who possessivel tracks his wife#s ever interaction is afraid of being unloved. &he fear of being bad and unloved drives the controlling parent, the controlling boss, the controlling friend, and ever other kind of controlling relationship. $ontrol is an attempt to avoid fear, and fear is the result of the law. %s for the effects of controlling behavior on a relationship, it doesn#t take a lot of imagination or e*perience to determine the

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end result. Fventuall , controlling people push others awa . 1od has designed relationships to be the proper balance of freedom and connection. !ut controlling people can#t allow freedom, taking their relationships out of balance. %nd, sooner or later, people who feel smothered in a relationship will push back in order to tr and restore their 1od+given sense of self. Dicture me holding up the inde* fingers on both of m hands, where the two fingers represent the people in a relationship. In a health , non+controlling relationship, both fingers are alwa s tilted slightl awa from each other as the two hands graduall move closer together. We are designed to grow together while still preserving our independent identities. !ut, in a controlling relationship, one of the fingers closes in on the other, threatening the other#s independence. %s a result, the threatened person pulls awa , gasping for freedom, and the controlling person winds up with e*actl what the were afraid of, the loss of love.

Poor !elf-Ima"e
I was introduced to her in college. She had come to our campus fellowship, and after one conversation with her, I knew that she was hurting. Dainfull sh , the more m friends and I got to know her, the more it became clear that her self+image couldn#t be lower. She hated herself, and e*pected others to do the same. 7nfortunatel , no matter how hard we tried to care for her it just never stuck. It wasn#t that she didn#t enjo our friendship, it was

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that our kindness never hit bedrock. %n ounce of love just seemed to endlessl fall like a pebble into a bottomless well. In the ears since then, I#ve met others with a poor self+image, but never an one else so completel defined b it. :ost of us struggle with a poor self+image to one e*tent or another, for some the problem is deep, for others it is shallow. !ut regardless of the depth, behind ever poor self+image is the voice of the law. /ou will ne%er +e good enough. /ou are a failure. $o+ody will e%er lo%e you. Somewhere along the wa , our self+image has been defined b our personali,ed+law, preventing us from accepting the fullness of our true identit . 3et to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of 1od." (4ohn /?/5) %s followers of $hrist, we are 1od#s beloved children, and the e*tent to which we fail to accept this is the e*tent to which we have a poor self+image. &his is a grace problem, and, unfortunatel , just as with perfectionism and control, it is not just a personal one. In college, despite our best efforts, that oung woman would not let us care for her, at least not trul . -o matter what we said or did, nothing could break through to her heart, and as a result, she pushed us awa . %nd, to var ing degrees, this is alwa s what happens to those attempting to love someone with a poor self+image. .ave ou ever tried to compliment someone but the refused to receive it' 3ou did a terrific job." -o I didn#t." 3ou are a great friend." -o I#m not." It gets tiresome. Or there is the

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opposite problem, someone is alwa s in need of affirmation. .ow did I do'" I told ou, ou did great." 8o ou really like me'" 3es, I#ve said so a thousand times." &his too is ta*ing. Fver one has insecurities, but the person ruled b them can be ver hard to love.

An"er
I was standing in the check+out line at the grocer store, while the woman in front of me was tr ing to use some coupons. %fter running them through the scanner without success, the cashier looked at them closel . I#m sorr , :a#am," the cashier said politel , but these coupons have e*pired." &he woman gave the cashier an angr look, and then lit into her. What do ou mean those coupons are e*pired' It#s the stores fault because..." %s the poor cashier stood there taking the abuse, I just couldn#t stop wondering, (ady' what are you so angry a+out0 It"s your fault' not hers. !ut sadl , this wasn#t the first time I witnessed such a scene. I#ve seen this happen on the freewa , at the office, and even in church. 3et, worst of all, I#ve been guilt too, especiall in the privac of m own home. %nger. It#s ever where. !ut wh ' What are we all so angr about' %ctuall , what we are all so angr about is the law. In ever area of our lives, someone is alwa s demanding something from us. !e patient. Work hard. 6isten carefull . Wait our turn. %nd with the constant pressure to measure up, we get mad. !ut it

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isn#t just e*ternal pressure that is causing the problem, for the internal pressure is far worse. We all have a personali,ed+law, and the more demanding ours is, with all of its rules and e*pectations, the more anger we have simmering below the surface. Some people have so much anger inside that the ell at grocer store cashiers. Others of us have a bit less anger, we just ell at our spouses. Fither wa , all of this anger stems from the law s stem. Of course, as ou probabl know, this anger takes a serious toll on our relationships. %llow me to illustrate. Imagine tr ing to hold a beach ball under the water. 0or awhile ou can do it, but not forever. Fventuall , ou will have a moment when ou slip. %nd what happens to the beach ball' 8oes it simpl float to the surface' -o, it launches itself out of the water. Our anger is like the beach ball. We tr to keep it in check, but eventuall we can#t, and it e*plodes outward onto whoever happens to be nearb . (7nfortunatel , those we love the most tend to be those nearest, receiving the brunt of the e*plosion.) It is alwa s difficult to pick up the pieces after losing our temper, and those who live b the law are constantl finding themselves with pieces to pick up.

8$d"ment
-othing I did was good enough, and I told him so. I had brokered a deal to rent some facilities at a camp. &he gave me the use of one of their buildings for a church service and, in e*change, I gave them a week#s worth of maintenance work around the

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propert . I#m a prett hand gu so I thought this arrangement would turn out splendidl . It didn#t. &he camp had a maintenance director who assigned me m dail duties, and although he meant well, it soon became apparent that he didn#t like the 2ualit of m work. %nd the problem wasn#t just with m carpentr skills. It was also m painting, weed+eating, and grass cutting. On the da he elled at me for mowing in the wrong direction, I politel e*plained that I thought he had a problem. 4udgment flows naturall from us law+strivers, for two reasons. 0irst, we project onto others the personali,ed+law b which we live. &his is 2uite natural. %ll we know is our standard, and so we think others are being held to the same one. &he maintenance director was doing this e*act thing. .e didn#t intend to be mean, but he couldn#t help measuring me b his own personali,ed+law. %nd if ou think he was hard on me, just imagine how hard he is on himself. Second, we judge others in order to feel better about ourselves. &he inabilit to measure up to our personali,ed+law takes a toll on our self+image. .owever, judging others helps. It works like this. %lthough I might not be able to measure up, at least in m mind I#m better than ou, and to someone living b a performance scale, that provides some consolation. %s ou can imagine, judgment hurts our relationships in man wa s. One of the most significant occurred to me at the camp= I began to walk on eggshells. Whenever I did some work, I

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was on edge, waiting for the maintenance director#s ne*t criticism. %nd, likewise, as I reflected on what was going on inside of me, I soon discovered that I was striving to win his approval, despite the fact that I knew I never could. When the law causes us to become judgmental, this e*act same thing occurs in all of our relationships. &he people around us are alwa s uncertain as to whether or not we approve of them, so the tr to earn our approval, until the reali,e that the never can, and give up.

!elfishness
I was a !o Scout growing up, and one summer I earned a merit badge about water safet . One of the instructors, a lifeguard, told me something that has stuck with me for twent ears. .e said that a drowning person is the most selfish person in the world. Wh ' !ecause the are so desperate to survive the will pull and claw at their rescuer, taking them down too if the rescuer isn#t careful. %n one who is living b the law is like a drowning person. &he are so consumed with tr ing to survive that the become incredibl selfish. Perform or else is pulling them under and so the disregard the needs of others in their pursuit to survive. %nd just as it is hard to save a drowning person, it is hard to love a selfish one. &he law is all about me, me, me. It is about me being good enough. It is about me earning love. It is about me fulfilling m personali,ed+law. %nd, when it is all about me, there is ver little

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energ left for ou. So, let me ask ou, do ou have to get things our wa ' When ou hurt someone do ou cr more for ourself than for them' Is it hard for ou to be considerate' !elieve it or not all of these things are performance related, for the law+striver is consumed with self.

3nfor"i+eness
When I met her she was slowl d ing of cancer, but her pain had begun long before. In the ear before her death, we would get together regularl and talk about her troubled life. : hope was to help her resolve an unfinished business. %s we talked, she would tell me about her failed marriages and deepl + flawed childhood. It was an incredibl sad stor . In the end, however, she died well, having strengthened her relationship with 1od and having come to peace with her past. -ow, ears later, I have onl one memento to remember her b . It was a book of hers that she gave to me before she passed. &he book was Forgi%ing the 1nforgi%a+le b 8r. 8avid Stoop, and b the looks of the highlighter marks on each page, she had studied it 2uite diligentl . If an one had the right to hold on to unforgiveness it was her. 3et, she didn#t. Instead, she forgave and moved on. It was her greatest triumph, and it was a triumph of grace. &his ma be hard to hear, but unforgiveness is a sign of living b the law s stem. When we choose not to forgive it is because we want to keep score. Someone has injured us, and we

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will not release them until the have paid the price. It is court, and we are the plaintiff. &he have broken the law and, as such, the must receive their sentence. %nd, although unforgiveness ma seem just, and perhaps technicall it ma be, as a wa of life it simpl doesn#t work. %s we#ll e*amine more later in the book, when our relationships are based upon the standard of the law, ever one gets hurtHespeciall us.

Defensi+eness
I had gotten the lead role in a communit theater production, and, at first, things were going great. 6ong ago I had done 2uite a bit of acting and I was trul enjo ing the opportunit to give it another tr . !ut as opening night drew near things began to go south. We weren#t read = not ever one knew their lines. 8uring dress rehearsal the night before the show, there were huge drops in the dialogue. Over the course of the previous month I had been talking about it with the director, but he encouraged us to press on. -ow, with opening night onl a da awa , we were in trouble, so I took the director into the hall and e*plained both m concern and m frustration. &o m surprise, he grew incredibl defensive, but I didn#t understand wh . I wasn#t tr ing to be critical. >ather, I just wanted to find a solution to a serious problem. -o matter how gentl I tried, he refused to hear what was 2uite readil apparent. 6ater, as I tried to figure out what went wrong with that interaction, all I could conclude was that the

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director took m comments as an indication of his personal failure. %t first, ou ma not think that defensiveness would be a sign of living b the law s stem, but consider it like this. When we are under the law we are afraid of the conse2uences of our failure, so defensiveness is nothing more than our attempt to deflect the realit that we ha%e failed. Fven if it is obvious to those around us, we don#t want to admit our mistake, because if we do, we are sa ing we are bad. It is shame that drives defensiveness, and if our personali,ed+law is e*tremel harsh, as I think m director#s must have been, we are alwa s feeling ashamed. %s a result, we can become e*tremel defensive in order to tr and protect an alread frail self+image. !ut regardless of the e*tent, an time we are defensive it is because our identit has been defined b our performance, and we can not handle our inabilit to measured up. %s for the effects of defensiveness on a relationship, just have a conflict with a defensive person and ou will 2uickl reali,e that it is e*tremel damaging. In a fallen world, conflict will alwa s be a necessar part of relationships, nothing will change that. !ut when fault can#t be acknowledged, relationships can#t heal. %nd when relationships can#t heal, the soon break down entirel . 8efensiveness blocks the restoration process b not allowing it to begin, and all of the resulting pain can be traced back to living b the law.

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Actin" O$t
I#d invested more time in him than in an one else in m ministr . I gave him weekl counseling, put him in m small group, and even helped him get a month of full+time, intensive therap , but all the work was for naught. .e had resumed going to the bar ever night after work. &here was no 2uestion, he was an alcoholic, had been an alcoholic for a long time, and wanted to sta an alcoholic for a long time to come. Still onl in his mid+twenties, with a bright mind and a kind heart, he was determined to throw awa his future. &echnicall speaking, the root problem was his abusive father, but practicall , the problem was reall the law. %cting out means commiting a self+destructive behavior. &here are endless wa s to act out, but among them are heav drinking, drugs, pornograph , compulsive gambling, and adulter . %nd, as we discussed earlier in the book, although it ma not seem intuitive, the law pla s a significant role in sin. 0or when we were controlled b the sinful nature, the sinful passions aroused b the law were at work in our bodies, so that we bore fruit for death." (>omans A?<) In our pride and sinfulness, we see the standard of 1od#s law and we rebel. It is our great spiritual problem. .owever, there is even more to it, for our personali,ed+law also pla s a major role. Whenever we can#t measure up to our own standard, regardless of whether or not that standard bears an resemblance to 1od#s true standard, we feel ashamed and unlovable. &his is an

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intolerable place, but instead of turning to the grace of 1od that can forgive and heal us, we hold on to our pain, tr ing in our own strength to be good. &hen, when our strength fails, which it alwa s will, we look for something to help us cope. 0oolishl , we turn back to a 2uick fi*Hour same old sin. %lthough we know it will onl make things worse in the long run, the lure of our favorite vice and the promise of temporar relief from our hurts is too much to resist. So once again we act out, and, once again, we feel ashamed and unlovable, and thus the c cle repeats itself, indefinitel . &his is e*actl what was going on in that oung man#s life. %nd, as a result, he had no meaningful relationships, and no hope of ever having meaningful relationships until he could make some changes, something he couldn#t do b his own power. .e needed grace, 1od#s loving+kindness, but he had onl law, and, sadl , that is the wa he wanted it. %ll of us do this whenever we live b the law s stem. If we are not living our lives b the power of grace, we will be trapped in the law c cle, and we will act out. $onse2uentl , our relationships will suffer for it.

'ental /ealth Problems

Over the ears I#ve noticed something. Fver single person that I#ve counseled was in need of more grace, ever single one. With this realit in mind, I soon began to make a connection? a lack of grace pla s a significant role in mental health problems

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like depression, an*iet , and obsessive compulsive behaviors. -ow, this does not mean that mental health problems are onl caused b a lack of grace, but I#ve grown convinced that it almost alwa s pla s an important role. 1od made us to need loving+kindness, and when we don#t have enough, things begin to break down, including our mental health. Imagine operating without the loving+ kindness of the grace s stem, and doing so for months, ears, or even an entire lifetime. &his is how law+strivers live, and it would be a small wonder if such a profound lack of grace weren"t causing their mental health to break down. &hese are the major warning signs of the law. Is one or more of these an issue for ou' It doesn#t have to be this wa . &he problem is with the s stem b which ou are living our life, for the law will keep ou stuck, but grace will bring ou freedom. -ow, compare the warning signs of living b the law with the results of living b grace, and what I think ou#ll find is that the grace s stem leads to the life ou#ve alwa s wanted. The !i"ns of the )race !ystem I have come that the ma have life, and have it to the full." (4ohn /G?/Gb) 4esus promised us life, and .e meant it. So if the Son sets ou free, ou will be free indeed." (4ohn B?9@) 4esus also promised us freedom, and .e meant that too. !ut this life and this freedom come onl through 4esus. It will never come through

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our own strength. &he law s stem is life b our own strength, and we#ve alread seen what that brings about. .owever, the grace s stem is life b 4esus# strength, and below is a list of what it offers. &ake a close look, for I think that ou#ll find ever thing that ou#ve been missing. 6ove 4o Deace Datience Kindness 1oodness 0aithfulness 1entleness Self+control What a list. Imagine what our life could be like if ou were defined b these characteristics. It would be wonderful= ever thing would be different. %nd all of these attributes are available through the grace s stem. So let#s 2uickl take a closer look at each of these signs of the grace s stem, and see what we#ve been missing.

#o+e
We love because he first loved us." (/ 4ohn ;?/C) If ou remember, the law s stem is reall nothing more then our best attempt to earn love, but true love doesn#t need to be earned.

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7nder the grace s stem we receive love without condition. %nd, as a result, our identities are forever set. We are now children of 1od, loved perfectl and completel . &his means that whereas before, under the law s stem, we ran a deficit, we now have an overflow. So, suddenl , we become people of love, read to pour out love onto others. &hink of a well+loved child. &he are themselves naturall loving. With their identities secure and their hearts filled, the offer their abundance to those around them. It is the same for ever one operating b the grace s stem. &he too are well+loved children. &herefore, ou will know that ou have switched to the grace s stem when ou become a person distinguished b love.

8oy
%nd the disciples were filled with jo and with the .ol Spirit." (%cts /9?<5) &here is no jo amidst the dut of the law s stem. It is all rules and regulations= all work. In fact, 4esus called the oke of the law a heav burden. Wh ' !ecause the obligation never ends, and the constant shame and condemnation are overwhelming. !ut the grace s stem is totall different= it is marked with jo . With grace there is no more obligation. &here is no longer an thing to earn. Fver thing is a gift. Fver da is $hristmas morning. Imagine life without a stick to be measured to, or punished b . &hat is the grace s stem. %nd under those circumstances, who wouldn#t be jo ful'

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Peace
1race and peace to ou from 1od our 0ather and the 6ord 4esus $hrist." (/ $orinthians /?9) 0ive times Daul opens a -ew &estament letter with that e*act phrase. 0ive more times he opens a letter with a close variation. 1race and peace are like peanut butter and jell , where ou find one ou alwa s find the other. &he go together because of the securit that grace brings. With the grace s stem ever thing is taken care of, and ever failing is oka . -o matter what happens, 1od loves ouHcase closed. %nd that truth can comfort us through an storm. !ut, in contrast, there is no peace with the law s stem. %n mistake and ou are bad. %n shortcoming and ou are condemned. 3ou must navigate ever trial flawlessl . &he law s stem re2uires constant vigilance, so there can be no rest. 3et, it doesn#t have to be this wa . &he choice to stop striving is also the choice for peace, as the lives of those who have made that choice clearl testif .

Patience
!e completel humble and gentle= be patient, bearing with one another in love." (Fphesians ;?5) &he law s stem is e*tremel impatient. &here is no room for our own failures and imperfections, much less for those of others. !ut the grace s stem can bear with others. It has patience for their faults because 1od has shown infinite patience with ours. 0or this reason, people who live b the grace s stem are marked b patience. &he failings of

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others aren#t slowing down our agenda, because we no longer have an agenda. %nd, when we choose the grace s stem, we can wait for others as the move through their own process of growth. It was a process for us= it#s oka that it#s a process for them.

9indness
L.is fellow+servant fell to his knees and begged him, K!e patient with me, and I will pa ou back.E" (:atthew /B?5C) 4esus tells a parable about an unmerciful servant. &he master has forgiven his debts, but when a fellow+servant asks to be forgiven, the unmerciful servant won#t do likewise. 4esus# point is that this is a ridiculous contradiction. 1od has been kind to us, and so we should be kind to others. &he unmerciful servant was living b the law s stem. .e was keeping score of what was owed to him, despite having received merc himself. 7nder the grace s stem this would never happen. 4ust as with patience, we recogni,e the kindness we#ve been given and we are willing to do the same. Since no one is keeping score on us, we don#t need to keep score on others. Deople who live b grace displa the same kindness that 1od has displa ed towards them.

)oodness
% good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit." (:atthew A?/B) %s we#ve established, the law s stem will never make us good. %nd 4esus sa s if we aren#t good

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we won#t do good things. So it follows that people who are living under the law aren#t marked b goodness. !ut grace has the power to change us. It breaks through the law c cle and brings genuine transformation. %nd a tree that is good bears good fruit. &herefore, when ou find people of true goodness ou will find people who have left behind performance, and are living b the grace s stem.

%aithf$lness
It gave me great jo to have some brothers come and tell about our faithfulness to the truth and how ou continue to walk in the truth." (94ohn /?9) 0aithfulness in this sense is the mark of commitment. &hose living b the law s stem struggle with faithfulness because their life is black and white. When the make a commitment and the commitment doesn#t go perfectl , the are read to give up. In relationships, this means law+strivers can also give up on people who don#t meet their loft e*pectations. .owever, those living b grace have the abilit to see things through. Whether with people or with circumstances, grace+livers are free from loft e*pectations, and don#t bring them into their commitments. &herefore, when things get hard, grace+livers aren#t 2uick to throw in the towel. 1race e2uals faithfulness.

)entleness
6et our gentleness be evident to all. &he 6ord is near."

/G5

(Dhilippians ;?<) &he -ew &estament idea of gentleness doesn#t mean being spineless= it means being humble. 4esus showed us this while talking about .is oke of grace. &ake m oke upon ou and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and ou will find rest for our souls." (:atthew //?5C) %nd just as 4esus is gentle and humble in heart, we too can be, if we will take .is oke. % student is not above his teacher, but ever one who is full trained will be like his teacher." (6uke @?;G) If we follow 4esus and learn the wa of grace, we will naturall become like our teacher, and this means being distinguished b a humble gentleness.

!elf-Control
0or sin shall not be our master, because ou are not under law, but under grace." (>omans @?/;) With the law comes the law c cle= tr hard, but, eventuall , sin an wa . In other words, we lack the self+control to prevent ourselves from acting out. 3et under the grace s stem all of this changes. &hrough the power of grace we are free, and this means that we have the self+control to stop sinning. .eav drinking, drugs, pornograph , compulsive gambling, adulter , or an other version of self+destruction, no longer masters us. ! grace we are new creations free from the chains of sin. 1race+livers have self+control. &hese are the marks of a life lived under the grace s stem. Drett fantastic list, isn#t it' %nd as ou ma have noticed this list

/G9

corresponds with a famous passage in the book of 1alatians. It#s no coincidence. %nd in the ne*t chapter, as we stud the inner+ workings of the grace s stem, we#ll learn wh .

/G;

Chapter !e+en: /ow to #i+e by the )race !ystem I#m going to 1raceland." +Daul Simon, 1raceland," (N/CB@ Daul Simon !:I) I became a servant of this gospel b the gift of 1odEs grace given me through the working of his power." +Fphesians 9?A : brother got a new Walkman. (0or those of ou not old enough to remember, that was a portable device that pla ed something called tapes. -o jokes please.) -ever having had a Walkman of m own, I asked him if I could have the old one. On his wa out the door, he said es. F*tremel e*cited, I was determined to get this old tape pla er working again. &he problem HI was ten ears old and had no idea what I was doing. 3et undeterred, I got a screwdriver and began the careful process of disassembl . %n hour later I had a big pile of parts and still no clue as to what was wrong. Fven worse, there was absolutel no wa that I would be able to reassemble what I had disassembled. &hen m brother came home. .e looked at the pile of junk that had once been his old Walkman, and then he looked at me. I smiled. I#m tr ing to fi* it," I said. .e shook his head and replied, it wasn#t broken." Oops. I guess I should have checked that first. In this chapter, we are going to disassemble the grace

/G<

s stem. -ot in order to fi* it, for like m brother#s Walkman, the grace s stem isn#t broken. !ut rather, that we might gain a better understanding of how living b grace works. &hen, with that knowledge in hand, we will be better able to implement the grace s stem into our ever da lives. %s the last chapter came to a close, we saw that the marks of a life lived b grace consists of love, jo , peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self+control. If ou#ve been a $hristian for a while ou probabl know this list of characteristics as the 0ruit of the Spirit. %nd so, let us begin our stud of the inner+workings of the grace s stem b taking a look at how grace and the 0ruit of the Spirit are connected. #i+in" by the !pirit 1alatians chapter five tells us about another wa to live, and although the language is a bit different, what we#ll discover is that Daul is actuall talking about the grace s stem. 0irst, verses /@ through /B. So I sa , live b the Spirit, and ou will not gratif the desires of the sinful nature. 0or the sinful nature desires what is contrar to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrar to the sinful nature. &he are in conflict with each other, so that ou do not do what ou want. !ut if ou are led b the Spirit, ou are not under law." (1alatians <?/@+/B) .ere, Daul tells us about two wa s of life that are in conflict with each other? the Spirit wa and the sinful nature wa . .e sa s we must choose which will lead us. &hen, in

/G@

verse /B, he adds something particularl interesting, if ou are led b the Spirit, ou are not under law." &o Daul, as we learned earlier, sin and law go together. 3ou can#t have sin without a set of rules to break, and when there is set of rules to break our sinful nature wants to break them. Sin and law are alwa s connected. !ut, if we are led b the Spirit we are free from the law, and as Daul goes on to e*plain, that means free from sin. In verses /C through 5/, Daul gives the warning signs of living b the sinful nature? se*ual immoralit , impurit and debaucher = idolatr and witchcraft= hatred, discord, jealous , fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and env = drunkenness, orgies, and the like." &his list should look familiar. It is nothing more then another version of the warning signs of living b the law, complete with selfishness, anger, and acting out. 0inall , beginning in verse 55, Daul continues b listing the 0ruit of the Spirit? love, jo , peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self+control. &hen he adds, %gainst such things there is no law. &hose who belong to $hrist 4esus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live b the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit." (1alatians <?55+5<) -otice that he mentions the law again. %gainst such things there is no law." &he word against here is the same word Daul used earlier to sa that the Spirit and the sinful nature are in conflict. Once again, to Daul, sin and law are s non ms. When ou live b the Spirit, the sinful nature (and the law) are disarmed.

/GA

In other words, if ou want to be free from the sinful nature and from living under the law, ou must live b the power of 1od, and not our own power. &he idea here is nothing new. It is e*actl what we#ve been talking about all along, just with slightl different terminolog . Daul is describing the grace s stem verses the law s stem. .e is onl using s non ms, which in his mind were completel obvious. &he law s stem involves living b our own power. It doesn#t work. We are selfish and proud, and we will alwa s break the law. We will alwa s act out in self+destructive wa s. !ut the grace s stem breaks through the power of the law. With our identities secure, and no longer needing to measure up to the law, we grow into the kind of people who displa the 0ruit of the Spirit. 6iving b the Spirit and living b the grace s stem are e*actl the same thing, with e*actl the same results. So if this is nothing more than what we have alread discussed, wh mention it' I mention it for two reasons. 0irst, it helps us get the big picture theme of the grace s stem. &hroughout the pages of the -ew &estament, from 4esus to Daul, there is one idea being communicated? stop living b our own strength and start living b 1od#s. Secondl , verse twent +five gives us a ver practical insight into just how we are to do this. Since we live b the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit." &he phrase keep in step means to march like a soldier. If we want to stop living b our own strength we must learn to find 1od#s cadence

/GB

and get in line. &hen, like a good soldier, we follow our commanding officer. %nd notice that this is a relationship of dependence. Fver thing the soldier needs, all of his resources, are provided for him b the commanding officer. If we want to be people of grace we must learn this lesson. We must come to understand that our onl job is to follow. Where we need to go will be told to us. What we need to survive will be given to us. It is utter+dependence, and it re2uires incredible humilit , which is e*actl what we are missing under the law s stem. %s $hristians, when we live b the law, we are sa ing that we#ll accept 1od#s wa to heaven, but we#ll still give the orders for ever da life. If a decision is re2uired about where to go, we might ask 1od, but we make the final call. If we need provision, we might ask 1od, but ultimatel we take matters into our own hands. We are like soldiers who march to our own drum. We don#t find 1od#s cadence and join .im because we are too bus tr ing to command ourselves. 3et when we disassemble the grace s stem, the first thing we find is humilit . -ot m wa 1od, but ours. -ot m strength 1od, but ours. 1ive me this da m dail bread. 3ou do the giving 1od= I do the receiving. %nd just as with salvation+grace, the onl thing that depends upon me is humbl accepting the gift 1od gives. I need to take what m commander offers me, for I can trust that he, not I, knows what is best. &he grace s stem is a complete s stem, a wa to live, not just a wa to heaven. !ut we#ll

/GC

understand all of this better when we look at another analog , this one from 4esus. It is an analog that clarifies just how our dependence on 1od gives us the strength we need to live. The -ine and the Branches In the 1ospel of 4ohn, 4esus repeatedl makes analogies about himself in order to help us understand who .e is. 0or e*ample? I am the bread of life," (4ohn @?;B) I am the light of the world," (4ohn B?/5) and I am the good shepherd." (4ohn /G?//) One of these analogies, offered in 4ohn chapter fifteen, offers a uni2ue insight into our relationship to 4esus, and subse2uentl , teaches us a great deal about how to live b grace. 4esus calls himself the vine. &his analog continues for over half a chapter, and entire books have been devoted to discussing it, but for our purposes, we#ll focus on what 4esus# words can teaches us about the grace s stem. &he heart of the analog , and the heart of the grace s stem, can be seen in verse five. I am the vine= ou are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit= apart from me ou can do nothing." (4ohn /<?<) % vine carries all the nourishment from the soil to the branches. If a branch has ade2uate nourishment it will turn that nourishment into fruit. 4esus sa s .e is our vine, and .e has the nourishment we need to be fruitful. &hrough .im we can live productive, meaningful lives. !ut such fruitful lives are not guaranteed. &he

//G

ke word in this analog is remain, which man translations replace with the word a+ide. %lthough abide is more archaic, I think it captures the idea more full . It is the idea of unceasing connection, and it carries the implication of a choice. We must decide whether or not we are going to abide in .im. We must decide whether or not we are going to sta in unceasing connection with the one who gives us nourishment. &his is our choice, and this choice is reall nothing more than deciding between the grace s stem and the law s stem. &he grace s stem is the dependence on #od s stem. It is the wa for those who acknowledge that I can"t do it +y my own power. %nd this is e*actl what 4esus is talking about. Will we abide in .im or will we tr to do it on our own' -otice this analog isn#t talking about heaven= it is talking about real life. When we sta connected in relationship with 4esus, we grow and bear fruit, here and now. Interestingl , this is e*actl the same thing Daul was talking about when he said to li%e +y the Spirit. %nd both images beg the same 2uestion, are we willing to humble ourselves and let 1od lead us' !ut as 4esus continues in 4ohn fifteen, there is another aspect to this talk of nourishment that proves e*tremel illuminating, and it is the part of the grace s stem that is most often missed. %s the 0ather has loved me, so have I loved ou. -ow remain in m love." (4ohn /<?C) &he essential nourishment that the vine offers to us is love. We#ve seen this before too. &he difference between the

///

grace s stem and the law s stem is the source of our love. 7nder the grace s stem we are unconditionall loved. 7nder the law s stem we are conditionall loved. &he first gives us a securit in our identit and fills our biggest need. &he second leaves us insecure and constantl striving to fill that biggest need. !ut here, we are also given something new. 4esus once more uses the word remain (or a+ide). Will we or will we not continue in 1od#s love for us' >emember, this isn#t talking about our salvation= this is talking about life. Our identities as $hildren of 1od are not in 2uestion. -o, the 2uestion is whether or not we will continually tap into the love 1od has for us. 3ou see, 1od#s love is our nourishment. It is the power to live. It is our fuel. Without .is love for us there can be no fruit. Without .is love for us we wither up. On the da we accept $hrist, our relationship with 1od is restored. ! grace, we are now 1od#s child, and we no longer need to strive for love and acceptance. !ut that is salvation, and it is onl half the picture. We also need a dail grace. Wh ' !ecause the world runs b the law s stem, perform or else, and it beats us down, robbing our strength. &herefore, we must continuall return to 1od for a new serving of .is loving+kindness. %nd this is what we are missing. If ou are reading this book, in all likelihood, ou probabl don#t reali,e that what is wrong with our life is a lack of fuel. 3ou aren#t getting enough of 1od#s dail grace. 8ail grace is still grace. 3ou cannot earn it, and ou do

//5

not need to. It is freel available in $hrist. When we abide in .im we get our dail grace. &he problem is that we don#t abide. 6iving life b the law s stem means we run off without receiving our nourishment. Instead of depending on 1od, we depend on ourselves and tr to make our own fuel. So how then do we abide' Where do we find this dail grace' We#ll talk more about that in the ne*t chapter. !ut for now we#ll see that abiding, like living b the Spirit, means obedience. If ou obe m commands, ou will remain in m love, just as I have obe ed m 0ather#s commands and remain in his love." (4ohn /<?/G) %biding means obe ing. It means 4esus gives the orders and we do not. %gain, this is the difference between grace and law. 1race is living 1od#s wa . 6aw is living our wa . !ut, when we choose to live 1od#s wa , we get the dail grace we need to live, and to thrive. %nd, interestingl , what is it that 1od instructs us to obe ' : command is this? 6ove each other as I have loved ou." (4ohn /<?/5) &his is m command? 6ove each other." (4ohn /<?/A) &he primar order that we are to carr out is the spreading of 1od#s loving+kindness. It is a remarkable picture. We sta connected to 4esus, thus receiving our dail nourishment. &hen we give that nourishment awa to others. %nd, b giving it awa we are abiding. 8o ou see it' It is a new c cle, a grace c cle. 0irst, we take our lives to 4esus. &hen, 4esus fills us with .is love. -e*t, we share that love with the world. 0inall , we return to refuel. %ma,ing. It is, literall , the 1ospel of 1race. %nd where the law c cle was self+

//9

focused, this new grace c cle is just the opposite. -ow, we are 1od#s ambassadors, sharing 1od#s loving+kindness with a grace+ starved world. So both Daul#s li%ing +y the Spirit and 4esus# %ine and the +ranches are teaching us the same thing= the grace s stem is about humilit and obedience. We must connect with 1od in order to defeat sin and to bear fruit. &his re2uires the humilit to stop going our own wa , and it re2uires the obedience to follow 1od#s orders. %nd what orders the turn out to be. We are told to tap into 1od#s loving+kindness ever da , so that we can then go and share that loving+kindness with others. In a moment we will make a new analog , one that will make this idea of dail grace ver practical, but before we do, there is one important point of clarification re2uired. We need to take a deeper look at e*actl how 1od dispenses dail grace. One !o$rce4Two (ays 8ail grace comes from one source, 1od. !ut 1od delivers that dail grace in two wa s. 0irst, .e does it directl . Daul gives us an e*ample of 1od#s direct deliver of grace when talking about the thorn in his flesh. !ut he said to me, #: grace is sufficient for ou, for m power is made perfect in weakness.# &herefore I will boast all the more gladl about m weaknesses, so that $hristEs power ma rest on me." (5 $orinthians /5?C) 8ail grace comes through our direct relationship with 1od. When we

//;

pra , when we read the !ible, and when we worship, we are connecting with 1od and tapping into .is grace. &his is living b the Spirit. &his is abiding in the vine. In other words, this is the dail grace that gives us the fuel we need to make it through each da . !ut this isn#t the onl wa to receive 1od#s dail grace. .e also delivers it indirectl , through people. 8uring his own journe of growth and healing, 8r. .enr $loud e*perienced the power of 1od#s indirect grace. % deep depression had been lifted b connecting with other $hristians, and, although he was happ about it, 8r. $loud was also a bit disappointed. .e was disappointed because he had e*pected 1od to do the work. : life had taken a /BG+degree turn. !ut 1od had not healed me when I had sought healing. .e had not supernaturall ,apped" me. 1od#s supernatural ,apping seemed like Dlan % to me. %s I talked about this disappointment, people told me the same thing over and over again? !ut 1od uses people too." I hated hearing that phrase. I had wanted 1od to touch m depression instantaneousl and heal me. Instead, he used people to help me. I came to call this 1od#s Dlan !....&hen, one da I made a discover in Scripture that changed m wa of viewing Dlan !? 0rom him the whole bod , joined and held together b ever supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work"

//<

(Fphesians ;?/@) I could not believe it. I read the verse again. -ot onl was it true that 1od uses people too," but this was not Dlan ! or second rate at allM In fact, people helping people was Dlan %MB 1od has alwa s had onl one plan, and that plan is grace. It is sometimes delivered directl , and it sometime delivered indirectl , but it is still grace, and it is still from .im. >emember the vine and the branches. 4esus instructs us to tap into .is loving+kindness and then give it awa . It comes from .im, and then we distribute itH 1od#s grace through people. So let#s review. %s we#ve taken apart the grace s stem, we#ve seen that it is built upon humilit and obedience. We must humbl accept what 1od gives us and obedientl follow .is direction. -e*t, we learned about dail grace. In order to live our lives b the grace s stem, we must continuall receive from 1od the love we need. 1od#s loving+kindness is our fuel, and it gives us the power to live in a perform or else world. &hen, we discovered that while all grace ultimatel comes from 1od, .is plan is that we would receive our dail grace in two wa sHdirectl and indirectl . We receive it directl through our relationship with .im, and we receive it indirectl through our relationship with .is people. 0inall , we come to the last piece of the grace s stem, and it is vital if we are to understand how to practicall begin living b grace. &his last piece is our grace tank.

//@

1o$r )race Tan5 &he first house m wife and I bought was just far enough outside the cit that it didn#t have natural gas. Instead, our furnace ran on heating oil. So, behind the house was a large, c lindrical, steel tank for the fuel. %nd, ever now and then, the tank would run low, re2uiring us to call the oil compan to come out and refill it. &his is the perfect analog for our grace tank. Inside of each of us 1od has placed a tank= it is where we keep our dail grace. %nd when the tank is full, we are doing well. !ut when the tank runs low, we are not. &herefore, our job is to keep our tanks full. &his means getting fuel, but we cannot make this fuel ourselves. Instead, we must get the fuel delivered to us b connecting with 1od and .is peopleHthe direct and indirect sources of .is dail grace. &hose who live b the grace s stem are committed to fuel. 1race+livers have a deep relationship with 1od. &he read. &he pra . &he worship. %nd grace+livers have deep relationships with others. &he are in small groups. &he are active in church. &he are engaged in their communit . 1race+livers love 1od and others, and the let 1od and others love them back. %s a result, the have full grace tanks. So how about ou' If ou are like most $hristians ou don#t have enough fuel. 6iving b the law, our grace tank is on empt . 3our relationships with 1od and others are not deep enough or consistent enough to fill ou, and so ou are struggling. &his brings me back to the stor of m old house.

//A

!efore we had a fuel tank in our back ard, we had an underground tank below our patio. One da the furnace would not kick on because water had leaked into the underground tank. 0earing that fuel oil could also be spilling out, we decided that we needed to remove the old tank. It was a huge job for a number of reasons, the greatest of which was that the five hundred gallon tank was over halfwa full. I got a hand pump and started pumping out the old fuel= pumping and pumping and pumping. %nd, as I worked, I noticed something interesting. &he first thing that came out of the tank was the oil, several hundred gallons of it. !eing less dense, it had settled upon the top. -e*t came gallons and gallons of water. 0inall , as I neared the bottom, I started to get a substance that I can onl classif as sludge. &his sludge was an oil , water mud, which, over the previous fift ears, had graduall amassed itself on the bottom of the tank. %nd it didn#t take an e*pert to reali,e that this sludge was completel worthless. .ere#s the point. %t the bottom of all our grace tanks is a similar la er of sludge. Fver one has it, and it got there as the result of living life in a fallen world. &his sludge is our issues. It is those warning signs of the law from the last chapter, things like anger, poor self+image, acting out, etc. With sufficient fuel in our tanks, however, this nastiness does not master us. It lies undisturbed on the bottom of our tank. !ut, if we are living b the law, we have a problem. We don#t have sufficient fuel, and so our tank runs low. %s a result, we tap into, and operate out of, the

//B

sludge. 8o ou ever wonder wh night' 8o ou ever wonder wh ou are being obsessive ou can#t get through that same ears' It#s because compulsive' 8o ou ever wonder wh fear keeps ou awake at depression that has haunted ou for twent

our grace tank doesn#t have enough fuel. 3ou are running on empt , burning the gunk at the bottom of the tank. &hankfull , there is hope. With sufficient amounts of loving+kindness from 1od and others, ou will discover life be ond the sludge. %nd once ou are no longer living in that sludge, 1od can finall set to work removing it, for the growth process also runs on the fuel of grace. (&ransformation re2uires a great deal of fuel, and 1od won#tOcan#t begin if .is work is going to completel empt out our tank.) So, put simpl , abundant life depends on grace. The Epidemic of the Empty Tan5s :ost of us are living without ade2uate fuel because we#ve been tr ing to fill our own tanks. It doesn#t work. It could never work. Derformance+based love is not real fuel, and it doesn#t keep us warm. Farlier in the book, I talked about .arold %brahams and the movie Chariots of Fire. %brahams had won the gold medal, and et he still felt incomplete, for the praise and accolades that come with performance aren#t genuine fuel. 6ike %brahams and his gold medal, I have a friend who also reached the pinnacle of performance= he had won the Super !owl. 3et, in a telling

//C

moment, he confessed to me that the thrill 2uickl wore off. Derformance+based love is a false fuel that burns up in a moment and then is gone. !ut sadl , this conditional love is what most of us chase, and our grace tanks remain empt , and our lives remain unfulfilled. What a traged that those whom 1od loved so much that .e sent .is Son to die on a cross would reduce the gift of grace to nothing more than a ticket to heaven. It was intended to be a complete solution. 4esus came that we might go to heaven and have abundant life on earth. !ut we#ve been too proud to accept the grace s stem. We#ve been running without fuel, and settling for broken and empt lives. 8r. 8avid Seamands, author of Freedom from the Performance Trap, captures the problem. :an ears ago I was driven to the conclusion that the two major causes of most emotional problems among evangelical $hristians are these? the failure to understand, receive, and live out 1od#s unconditional grace and forgiveness= and the failure to give out that unconditional love, forgiveness, and grace to other people...We read, we hear, we believe a good theolog of grace. !ut that#s not the wa we live. &he good news of the 1ospel of grace has not penetrated the level of our emotions.C We are not receiving the grace we need, from 1od or .is people. %nd, not onl is it hurting us, it is also hurting those around us. If our grace tanks are empt , we don#t have an grace to give awa ,

/5G

and 1od alwa s intended that we would give it awa . >emember the grace c cle' When 1od pours .is loving+ kindness into our lives it isn#t simpl for us. .e has done it in order that we might pour it into others. !ut we haven#t been filled, and so we have nothing to pour. &his world is graceless, and people are walking around getting ever shred of love and kindness beaten out of them. Fver where ou turn people are running on empt , desperate for a thimble full of grace, a drop of unconditional love to stop the hurt and fill up the void. %nd 1od has a plan. .e wants ou and I to ladle out buckets of grace on those thirst souls around us. !ut we can#t, because we haven#t got an . In our pride, we#ve told 1od thanks' +ut no thanks. We haven#t been willing to humble ourselves and come to .im for what we so obviousl need. %nd so we are bone dr , living in the sludge, and looking no different than the world around us. 1od must be weeping. 3et it doesn#t have to be this wa . &he grace s stem is still available. 1od still has plent of loving+kindness to pour out. We can switch s stems, and leave behind the law with its futile pursuits and unsustainable goals. %ll we have to do is humble ourselves and obe . 4ust as we did with salvation, we simpl need to admit that we can#t do life on our own. We must acknowledge that we have tried to be our own leader and we have failed. &hen, we must learn to follow. I never do an thing of m self," wrote 1eorge :ac8onald, I go not where I wish, but where I seem to be called

/5/

or sent. I used to build man castles...-ow I leave them to 1od to build for me? .e does it better and the last longer."/G Our castles are made of sand. 1od#s castles are made of gold. It#s time to start choosing what will last. %nd this means passionatel pursuing the dail grace that we need. It means being intentional about filling our tanks with the love 1od gives us directl and the love .e gives us through .is people. &hen, as we ourselves thrive, we can share the grace we#ve received with this grace+starved world. 0or as grace+livers we can freel give, knowing there is alwa s more for us. %nd so, people will wonder at the source of our love= and the will find 4esus= and the will begin to grow= and, little b little, one person at a time, the world will change. &his is how it could be, a little slice of 1od#s kingdom here on earth, and it all starts with ou and I letting go of the law. A :$ic5 (ord on Bro5en )race Tan5s 3ou can become the person 1od alwa s had in mind= the person ou#ve onl dreamed of being. 1race changes ever thing. If ou will switch s stems and allow 1od and others to fill up our grace tank ou will begin to grow, unless...there is a hole in our tank. Sometimes people find that no matter how hard the tr the can#t keep dail grace in their tanks. %s soon as someone pours grace in it spills right back out. &r as the might, someone with a hole in their grace tank can#t seem to build health relationships

/55

with either 1od or others or both. &he want to, but the just can#t. &his is the result of our broken world. Somewhere along the wa a law+striver(s) came along and punched a whole in their tank. &here was a devastating wound, a horrible abuse, a spiritual traged , and now the tank won#t stop leaking. If this is ou, 1od has a solution for this too. 0ind a professional grace+giver, a good counselor. &he can provide ou with the help ou need to fi* up that grace tank so that it will stop leaking. 1o$r !ystem !efore I close this chapter, I need to make a final point of clarification. 3ou are not black and white, and as a result, the s stem ou have chosen isn#t either. What I mean is that few people are all law. &he do e*ist, but ou are probabl not one of them. In other words, the s stem ou live b is, in realit , a mi* of both grace and law. &here are areas of our life where ou are receiving dail grace from 1od and others, and other areas in our life in which ou are not. !ecause 1od designed us to live on loving+kindness we often figure it out in certain areas of our lives. 0or e*ample, we know that we need friends and so we keep in touch with those we care about. Or, we regularl set aside time to pra and connect with 1od. &hese are grace+giving things, and we#ve become people who do them. :ost of us don#t live without an fuel, if we did we would never get out of bed. 3et, b and large, we aren#t an where near where we could

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be. &he majorit of $hristians are living more b law than b grace. 3ou can tell because we have so little e*tra grace to give awa . What we do get into our tanks is just enough to do our jobs, keep our families afloat, and maintain the spiritual status 2uo. -one of us have arrived, and so none of us have left behind all of our pride and independence. We have, at best, one foot in the grace s stem and one foot in the law s stem. &his is where sanctification comes in. &he sanctification process is the theological term for the growth process, and it means slowl leaving behind the law and increasingl choosing grace. -ot that I have alread obtained all this, or have alread been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which $hrist 4esus took hold of me." (Dhilippians 9?/5 -II) &he more like 4esus ou are, the more ou have come to full accept the grace s stem into ever area of our life. If ou are like me, however, ou#ve still got a long wa to go. !ut, again, the great news is that grace will alwa s be there. &he ne*t thing we need to do is better understand how to find it. So, as we continue on, what we#ll discover is that while we get all of our dail grace from 1od, it comes in various forms. In the upcoming chapter we#ll stud these forms, or, as I call them, the grace+givers.

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Chapter Ei"ht: )race-)i+ers I have been captured b the idea that 1od has placed e*traordinar resources within us that have the power to heal us and our relationships." + 6arr $rabb %nd so we know and rel on the love 1od has for us. 1od is love. Whoever lives in love lives in 1od, and 1od in him." +/ 4ohn ;?/@

In the movie The Soloist, 6os %ngeles newspaper reporter Steve 6ope, has developed a uni2ue friendship with -athaniel % ers, a homeless street musician with incredible talent. One evening, after taking % ers to watch the 6os %ngeles Dhilharmonic practice, 6ope, is tr ing to articulate the afternoon#s events to his e*+wife. Overflowing with emotion and energ , 6ope, recounts how the music transported % ers, and watching this convinced Steve that there is something higher out there." 7nable to full capture the e*perience, he finall e*claims, I don#t even know what ou call it." 1race," she replies, grace." Steve 6ope, encountered 1od#s loving+kindness. &he music was a majestic gift that brought a moment of healing to % ers, and a moment of incredible faith to 6ope,. &his is what grace does. It brings healing and wonder and encouragement into

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our lives, and gives us what we need to make it through each da . In other words, grace is the fuel that fills our tanks. !ut how e*actly do we come b it' What various forms does it take' %s we#ve discussed, 1od is the source of all grace, but .e gives that grace to us both directl and indirectl through grace,gi%ers. 1race+givers are individual doses of loving kindness, freel available to all of us throughout each da . % comprehensive list of such grace+givers would be impossible, but in this chapter we will discuss the most significant. %nd, for the sake of organi,ation, these grace+givers will be grouped into two categories? those that 1od gives us directl and those that .e gives indirectl . 0irst, allow me to begin with a discussion of the direct grace+givers. The Direct )race-)i+ers

:$iet Time
Juiet time is the term coined b $hristians for setting aside part of our da to spend with 1od. %nd, while 2uiet time is intended to be about abiding in the vine so that we can get our dail nourishment, far too often we misunderstand this, thinking of it instead as another legalistic dut . I do this often. When I read the !ible I ask m self whether or not I#ve read enough. That was just one chapter2 I should read more. When I#m done pra ing I check m watch. nly fi%e minutes2 I"%e got to do +etter than that. %nd when I don#t have an 2uiet time, which happens on a fre2uent basis, I feel bad, like I#ve shrieked a responsibilit . !ut this view totall misses

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the point b projecting the law onto a grace. 6ife beats us down and burns our fuel. Juiet time is about getting replenished, and this has nothing to do with obligation. Instead, it is about connecting with our loving 0ather. : children have the idea. When the come to sit on m lap, the don#t bring a stop watch. nly fi%e minutes2 I"%e got to do +etter than that. -o, the sit there until the have gotten the love and affirmation that the need. &hen, with their tanks full, the hop down and go about their business tackling the world. &his is what our 2uiet times were meant to be, a chance to sit on our 0ather#s lap, not a dut . Over the ears, I#ve noticed a big difference between the da s on which I have a 2uiet time and those on which I don#t. &he difference is dail grace. Juiet times are vital, not as some spiritual measuring stick, but as our most direct opportunit to receive 1od#s loving+kindness. So pra a little bit or pra a lot. >ead a little bit or read a lot, but set aside time each da to let 1od love ou. %nd when ou do, specificall ask .im to fill up our grace tank. 4ust remember, if ou miss our time with 1od it#s oka . 0orget about feeling guilt , that#s the law s stem. Instead, climb back into our 0ather#s lap the ne*t chance ou get.

(orship
: earl twenties were a difficult time. I was struggling to build meaningful relationships, and as a result, I was profoundl lonel . 1oing to church was especiall hard because sitting alone

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served to remind me of m isolation. One Sunda I was struggling so badl that I just didn#t feel like I could sit through it again. !ut, despite m inner turmoil, I somehow managed to force m self to go. %t first, ever thing was the same as alwa s. Sitting there alone, empt and hurting, I envied those around me who all seemed to be surrounded b friends and famil . Impatientl , I waited for the service to begin, so that it would end and I could go home. !ut then the worship band came out, and the began to pla . %nd, despite m best efforts, I soon found that I couldn#t resist joining in. Surprisingl , m mood began to lift, and, b the end of the worship time, I found m self feeling far better than when I#d arrived. So what happened' Worship happened. Worship means connecting with 1od, and connecting with 1od fills us up. $. S. 6ewis once said, in the central act of our own worship...it is manifestl , even ph sicall , 1od who gives and we who receive."// Often we misunderstand worship, thinking we are giving something back to 1od. !ut what we fail to reali,e is that .e doesn#t need an thing. -o, for 1od, worship is about relationship, a chance to engage with .is children. %nd just as with 2uiet time, whenever we engage 1od it provides .im with the opportunit to pour loving+kindness into our grace tanks. &herefore, whenever we make time for worship we are actuall putting ourselves in a position for more fuel, and more fuel means better living.

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%or"i+eness
!efore I talk about forgiveness, I need to clarif something regarding guilt. &here are two kinds of guiltHfalse guilt and true guilt. 0alse guilt is e*actl as the name implies, false. It is an untrue and unnecessar guilt that results from our personali,ed+law. We#ve formed a rule b which to live, and after breaking it we feel ashamed. In this case, we haven#t violated 1od#s law at all. It was our rule, not .is. % practical e*ample would be if we create a rule that sa s we should never feel angr . 1od never said that= we made it up. So, if we feel angr and then feel guilt about it, the guilt we feel is false, and there is no need to ask 1od for forgiveness. &his is important to understand, because law+strivers feel guilt about a lot of things the don#t need to feel guilt about. 3et, there is true guilt, which is the natural conse2uence of sin. &rue guilt occurs when we have broken 1od#s moral law. %n e*ample would be l ing. When we lie, we have genuinel sinned, and for this we do need forgiveness. When we think of 1od#s forgiveness we generall think of the cross? how 4esus# death paid the penalt for our sins so that we could be forgiven and allowed into heaven. &his is salvation+ forgiveness, but it isn#t the onl kind, for there is also dail + forgiveness. %fter becoming a $hristian we still sin, and when we do, we still e*perience true guilt. !ut 1od is gracious, If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purif us from all unrighteousness." (/ 4ohn /?C) 1od is a

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forgiver, and this forgiveness applies not onl to salvation but also to each da . %nd this form of forgiveness is a dail grace. When we confess our sins and 1od forgives us, we are released from our true guilt and energi,ed b .is loving+kindness. &his fills up our grace tank, and gives us new fuel b which to live.

Tr$th
%bove all else, guard our heart, for it is the wellspring of life." (Droverbs ;?59) It is a simple verse but one that has had a remarkable impact upon m life. 0or me, this short proverb has had two major applications. 0irst, it has taught me to pick m relationships carefull . &rust must be earned, and so I can#t simpl give m heart out to just an one. If I do, I am giving awa the source of m life to someone who ma not take good care of it. Second, Droverbs ;?59 has taught me to evaluate the impact that m life choices will have on m heart. Will taking this job fill m heart or drain it' If the answer is drain it then I am not guarding m heart. &he truth of Droverbs ;?59 has served me well on countless occasions. When we discover one of 1od#s realities we have discovered truth. %nd, although it might sound strange, truth is a form of grace. It works like this. &ruth is 1od#s instruction book for life, and having the instructions is a great gift. I don#t deserve to know the instructions, and if .e wanted to, 1od could keep them from me. !ut .e doesn#t do that. 1od shares .is truth with

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me through Scripture and, sometimes, through painful circumstances. .e does this because .e wants me to understand how life works, so that I might e*perience more of the fullness of life. &herefore, ever truth I find is a bit of loving+kindness being placed into m grace tank, bringing me life and sparing me from hurt. %nd so, b placing m self in a position to learn truth, I am once again opening m self up to more grace.

6est
Doet Fli,abeth !arrett !rowning wrote a poem entitled Sleep. Included in the first stan,a are these lines? %long the Dsalmist#s music deep, -ow tell me if that an is, 0or gift of grace surpassing this? .e giveth his belovedHsleep" &he last line is referencing Dsalm /5A, and !rowning is pointing out that sleep, and all rest for that matter, is another form of grace. 0rom the beginning 1od intended us to rest. In fact, .e set aside an entire da for us to take a break from our labors. Si* da s ou shall labor and do all our work, but the seventh da is a Sabbath to the 6ord our 1od. On it ou shall not do an work..." (F*odus 5G?C+/Ga) We need rest, 1od made it this wa . 3et, while we must choose to stop our work, the rest itself is an act of 1od#s loving+kindness. -o one can re+energi,e themselves, for that is something 1od does in and through our bodies, and sleep is the

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perfect e*ample. Fver da we grow tired, but we can#t make ourselves sleep. Instead, sleep is something that happens to us. It is a gift. %nd, if ou have ever been deprived of sleep for an e*tended period, ou understand just how precious the gift of sleep can be. In the gospel of :ark, 4esus# disciples are worn out after a mission trip, and .e sa s to them, $ome with me b ourselves to a 2uiet place and get some rest." (:ark @?9/) &his is the invitation 1od gives to all of us. It is an invitation we obe b choosing to set down our work. &hen, b his grace, 1od recharges us. .e lovingl fills our grace tank so that we will have the energ to tackle another da . In other words, we position ourselves for fuel, and then 1od gives it. >est is a dail grace.

Callin"
%s Chariots of Fire put it, when Fric 6iddell ran he felt 1od#s pleasure." It energi,ed him and gave him life. >unning was part of Fric 6iddell#s calling. 0or me, it is teaching. Whenever I teach 1od#s truth I feel energi,ed, for it is part of m calling. In Scripture, we see that ever one has a calling, and that calling is a form of grace. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a manEs gift is prophes ing, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve= if it is teaching, let him teach= if it is encouraging, let him encourage= if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generousl = if it is leadership, let

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him govern diligentl = if it is showing merc , let him do it cheerfull ." (>omans /5?@+B) Dut simpl , our calling is what 1od made us to do, and it is something we are good at because 1od made us good at it. %nd when we join 1od in this purpose for our lives it brings us life b giving us fuel and filling up our grace tank. So what is our calling' What is it that ou do that brings life' 1o and do it, and ou will be tapping into grace. !ut remember one thing, like all grace, our calling has not been given to ou solel for our own benefit. In the book of Fphesians, Daul sa s, !ut to each one of us grace has been given as $hrist apportioned it." (Fphesians ;?A) &hen he goes on to sa that our calling was intended to prepare 1od#s people for works of service, so that the bod of $hrist ma be built up." (Fphesians ;?/5) 3our calling is a uni2ue grace, given to ou so that ou might use it to help us all grow. So if ou choose to ignore this grace, we all suffer.

!tr$ct$re
8o ou ever get tired of the dail grind' 1et up. 1o to work. $ome home. 1o to bed. 8o it all again, tomorrow. -othing ever changes, and we grow to resent it. !ut then, suddenl , something does change, and our dail routine gets unsettled. %nd in such moments, surprisingl , we wish for a return to the wa things were. Structure is a grace+giver. &here are seven da s in ever week for a reason. &here are twelve months, and four

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seasons, in a ear because we need there to be. 8espite our longing for adventure, there is a basic structure to life that we must have. &ake us out of that structure and we struggle. 0or instance, when a man suddenl loses his job he doesn#t know what to do with himself. 0aced each da with a blank slate, he can often sink into depression. Or perhaps ou can see it more clearl in the e*ample of a child who moves. Fven with a positive change, the child struggles to adjust to their new home, their new school, and their new surroundings, until sufficient time has passed and the new structure begins to take on the comfort of the old one. In countless wa s, 1od organi,es our lives through routine, and .e does it for our own good, for it provides us with a sense of safet . %nd, while giving up structure is sometimes necessar and at others times out of our control, we t picall can decide whether or not we will choose a health schedule that gives us what we need. >outine e*ercise, meals, and bedtimes are not just best for someone else= these things keep us in rh thm with grace. %nd, from the beginning, this is how 1od designed it. &he moon marks off the seasons, and the sun knows when to go down. 3ou bring darkness, it becomes night, and all the beasts of the forest prowl. &he lions roar for their pre and seek their food from 1od. &he sun rises, and the steal awa = the return and lie down in their dens. &hen man goes out to his work, to his labor until evening. .ow man are our works, O 6O>8M In wisdom ou

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made them all= the earth is full of our creatures. (Dsalm /G;?/C+5;) Structure is the work of 1od, keeping us safe and filling up our grace tank. Juiet time, worship, forgiveness, truth, rest, calling, and structure are a number of the most significant, direct grace+givers. We can#t create the fuel that these things offer us, but we can choose to put ourselves in circumstances where we can find them. 6ikewise, we have the same choice with the indirect grace+givers, those which 1od gives us through others. We#ll take a 2uick look at several of those now. The Indirect %orms of )race

Comm$nity
6et us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one anotherHand all the more as ou see the 8a approaching." (.ebrews /G?5<) $ommunit is essential. We must have it. Wh ' !ecause it is one of the most significant wa s b which we fill our grace tank. In other words, 1od intended for us to receive 3is grace through 3is people. &his is wh we are called The Body of Christ2 we are supposed to be interconnected. &he e e cannot sa to the hand, #I donEt need ouM# %nd the head cannot sa to the feet, #I donEt need ouM#" (/ $orinthians /5?5/) We need each other. 1od made us for

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communit . &his is wh most churches toda offer small groups. &he reali,e that we can#t get the grace we need in a large auditorium. %s .enr $loud and 4ohn &ownsend put it, % small group offers a powerful e*pression of grace in contrast with the individual spiritual walk. Other people can give us e*pressions of 1od#s grace that we cannot produce for ourselves. In a good small group, people get from others things that they are una+le to gi%e or get for themsel%es ."/5 6ook back on our life. I can guarantee that some, if not all, of our best spiritual seasons were times when ou were well connected with other believers. It wasn#t b accident. It was b design. In those periods of our life ou were receiving from others the grace ou needed to flourish, and ou need that same grace toda . $ommunit is an essential grace+giver. &hrough 1od#s people we get our tanks filled+up with 1od#s loving+ kindness.

Intimacy
Se* is a grace. I wanted to wake ou up in case ou were falling asleep, but it is true. 3our spouse doesn#t have to share himOherself with ou, it is a gift of loving+kindness. %nd ph sical intimac is a grace+giver because it provides fuel and helps fill up our grace tank. !ut this isn#t just true of ph sical intimac , it is true of emotional intimac too. I believe that all great relationships are built on deep emotional intimac , and that is wh the bring us

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so much fuel. %nd while we alread spoke about communit as a grace+giver, I want to suggest that intimac is, in and of itself, a separate form of grace. $ommunit refers to a group, but the deepest levels of intimac are often found in just one or two ke relationships. %nd, for man people, their most ke relationship is their marriage. Speaking on monogam , 1.K. $hesterton once wrote, %ll the things that make monogam a success are, in their nature, un+ dramatic things? the silent growth of an instinctive confidence, the common wounds and victories, the accumulation of customs, the rich maturing of old jokes."/9 &his is a great depiction of how intimac grows. 6ittle b little trust is gained over time, until someone holds the deepest places of our heart. 1reat marriages have intimac , but so too do great friendships. % biblical e*ample of deep intimac in friendship was 8avid and 4onathan. %nd 4onathan made a covenant with 8avid because he loved him as himself." (/Samuel /B?9) 4onathan loved 8avid as much as he loved himself, and when we have a friend like that it pours vast 2uantities of fuel into our grace tank. Whether a spouse or a best friend, we all need a few select people in our lives who know the furthest recesses of our soul. &hese people are a gift from 1od, and the intimac the offer us is an essential grace+giver.

%or"i+eness
If ou are pa ing close attention ou probabl noticed that

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I placed forgiveness in both the direct and indirect categories. It wasn#t a mistake. 1od isn#t the onl one who e*tends us the grace of forgiveness. In m own life, m famil is a perfect e*ample. 0or some reason, I#m repeatedl a jerk to m famil . 6ife is hard, and far too often I allow m grace tank to operate in the sludge. %s a result, anger fre2uentl simmers just below m surface, and at random moments it boils over. >ecentl there was a perfect e*ample. I was having a good evening with m children, but when the began to misbehave, as children are prone to do, I suddenl let them have it. %fterward I felt terrible, because I knew that I was directing anger toward them that had nothing to do with their behavior. !ut, despite m sinfulness, m children 2uickl forgave me. %nd when the climbed into bed that night the were just as pla ful and loving as alwa s. : famil loves me in spite of m self, and when I sin the wash it awa . %nd, whenever someone e*tends us such forgiveness, it takes awa the life+stealing guilt and shame of the law and replaces it with the fuel of grace. We don#t deserve this, it is a great gift= a great gift which imitates the greatest gift. !e kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in $hrist 1od forgave ou." (Fphesians ;?95) 4esus# forgiveness was the greatest act of loving+kindness ever displa ed, and when others forgive us it is a smaller version of that same loving+kindness. While we can never earn such forgiveness from others, we can put ourselves in a position to receive it, just as we do with 4esusHb

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asking for it. Fver time we hurt those around us, our job is to go to them, admit we were wrong, and re2uest forgiveness. Whenever the grant it, our grace tank refills.

#imits
Several ears ago I was involved with a ministr that misunderstood grace. &he leadership thought grace meant that there should be no conse2uences for people#s behavior. It was a terrible misconception, and the ramifications on the ministr were severe. % number of individuals were badl wounded b the poor conduct of others, and those who were sinning were never afforded the opportunit to grow. In the end, the ministr lost lots of 2ualit people because of their fault view of grace. What the ministr needed to learn was that limits are a grace+giver. When others care enough about us to draw the line on our poor behavior the are actuall doing us a great service. %ll of us have blind spots, areas of our lives that need to grow but which we ourselves fail to recogni,e. 6imits help open our e es to such blind spots and motivate us to change. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the .ead, that is, $hrist." (Fphesians ;?/<) Droper limits are truth wrapped in love, and the are intended to make us more like 4esus. So ever time someone sa s, I love ou, but this is hurting our relationship and it needs to change," the are actuall tr ing to fill our grace tank. It might hurt in the moment, but the are opening ou up to 1od#s

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truth, so that, in the long run, our life might be significantl better.

9indness
0or a number of ears I was heavil involved in the outreach department of the $incinnati Iine ard. If ou aren#t familiar with it, the $incinnati Iine ard is where Steve Sjogren began implementing the ideas behind his book Conspiracy of 4indness. &he central idea is that people don#t usuall become $hristians overnight, but rather move closer (or further awa ) based upon the interactions the have with believers. With this in mind, we practiced random acts of kindness, good deeds done for others with no strings attached, in hopes that people would gain a more favorable view of 1od based upon the e*perience. 6ooking back, I now see that what we were actuall doing was giving awa grace, pouring a tin bit of 1od#s loving+kindness into a world of empt grace tanks. &his is what acts of kindness do for us too. Whenever someone does something kind, the are offering us the fuel of grace. .aven#t we all seen this to be true' 3ou are having a terrible da but ou can#t help but return someone#s une*pected smile. 3ou are feeling empt , but a friend calls to let ou know the were thinking of ou. 3ou come home from work frustrated, but our spouse surprises ou b taking ou out to our favorite restaurant. &he possibilities are endless, et the results are the same H ou feel a bit better. It is no accident. It is grace being poured

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into our tank. %nd, just as with all the grace+givers, there is nothing ou can do to deserve such kindness. Instead, all ou can do is make the choice to receive it. So the ne*t time someone is offering ou a kindness, do the wise thing= remember grace, and take it.

Enco$ra"ement
I admit that encouragement is onl a variation of kindness, but I believe it still deserves a place as a uni2ue grace+giver. In >omans chapter twelve, the %postle Daul called encouragement a spiritual gift, We have different gifts, according to the grace given us...if it is encouraging, let him encourage." (>omans /5?@a, Ba) In / &hessalonians, he called on the believers to be encouraging so that the might mutuall benefit, &herefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact ou are doing." (/&hessalonians <?//) Fncouragement is a special act of kindness. 7nlike some acts of kindness, encouragement is e*tremel specific, understanding the character and situation of the person it encourages. %s such, encouragement can pour into our grace tanks in powerful and lasting wa s. : wife is an encourager. Knowing m needs, she will often give me a notecard with a pertinent scripture and a few kind words. &hese have meant a lot to me. 0or instance, in a particularl challenging time, I carried one of her cards in m back pocket ever da , until it literall fell apart. Fncouragement is a

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grace+giver that t picall comes when our tanks need it most. Stressed out or hurting, we need a special infusion of fuel to help us carr on, and that is what encouragement does. It is emergenc grace, and like all forms of grace there is nothing we can do to earn it. Once again, however, we can put ourselves in a position to receive it. We do this b building meaningful relationships with safe, caring people. &his wa , when trials come and our tank is low, we stand read to get a nice, health scoop of tank+replenishing grace.

!er+ice
6ike encouragement, service is another version of kindness that demands special attention. On the night he was betra ed, 4esus showed his love to the disciples b washing their feet. It was an incredible picture of humilit H1od placing himself into the role of a servant. &hen, 4esus instructed us to go and do the same. -ow that I, our 6ord and &eacher, have washed our feet, ou also should wash one anotherEs feet." (4ohn /9?/;) We are to imitate 4esus b humbling ourselves and serving others. &he reason we are to do this is because service is a grace+ giver. When someone puts our needs above their own, our tank swells. Specificall , acts of service occur whenever someone spends their time and energ on another#s behalf, with the end result being that the person served is changed. Darenthood is the

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perfect e*ample of service. 0or eighteen ears someone gives ever thing for their child. &hen, in the end, a mature adult has now been formed, entirel as the result of another#s sacrifice. Darenthood is an enormous e*ample. 6istening is a smaller one. Fver time someone listens to us, reall hearing our hearts, the are serving us b giving of themselves. %nd b engaging with our problems and stead ing us with their support, the are showing us 1od#s loving+kindness. So whenever people serve us, whether in big wa s or small, their sacrificial actions help to fill our grace tank. $ommunit , intimac , forgiveness, limits, kindness, encouragement, and service are all indirect grace+givers. Fach of these are an intentional part of 1od#s plan for filling up our grace tank, and each of these cannot be manufactured b our own efforts. -o, onl 1od#s people can give us these graces. 3et that doesn#t mean we have no part to pla . We can make the choice to put ourselves in the position to receive them. One 'ore (ord on the )race-)i+ers So, once again, how are ou doing' Is our life overflowing with these grace+givers' If not, it needs to be. 3ou cannot make the switch from the law s stem to the grace s stem on an empt tank. 0or while the grace s stem does not re2uire performance of an kind, it does re2uire fuel. %nd the good news is that 1od offers that fuel to us freel , both directl and indirectl ,

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through our relationship with .im and through our relationships with .is people. !ut, just as with salvation+grace, we must still choose to receive this dail grace b humbling ourselves and obe ing. It takes humilit in order to allow others to fill us up. It takes obedience in order to put ourselves into the circumstances necessar to be filled. &he a+undant life that 4esus promised is actuall a way of life. It is a continual pursuit of grace. It is a never+ending walk towards meaningful relationships with 1od and others, and it is a beautiful journe . !ut, unfortunatel , there is more to this wa of life than just finding grace, we must also be aware of where we can lose it. Our world is not operating b the grace s stem, it is operating b the law s stem, and in e*actl the same wa that grace comes in various forms, the law does too. &here are a variet of grace,killers that do just as their name impliesHrob our tanks of the much needed fuel of life. %nd in the same wa that we must understand grace+givers so that we might have our tanks filled, we must also understand grace+killers so that we might know how our tanks get emptied. We#ll look at these fuel+stealing, grace+killers in the ne*t chapter.

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Chapter 0ine: )race-9illers 6ike cit +dwellers who no longer notice the polluted air, we breathe in the atmosphere of ungrace unawares." +Dhilip 3ance If the world hates ou, keep in mind that it hated me first." +4ohn /<?/B

I referred to it briefl in the last chapterHthe worst period of m lifeHand it came in m earl twenties. %fter college and a short stint in missions, I returned to m hometown and took work in the corporate world. !eing in familiar territor and having a financiall stable job, I imagined that m life would start to thrive. .owever, I soon discovered that I was wrong. Instead of thriving, I found m self isolated and alone, and struggling to keep m self going. : friends from high school had all moved awa , and building new relationships was proving to be much harder than I ever imagined. &r as I might, people wouldn#t, or in some cases couldn#t, connect. &he problem was e*acerbated b m career. I had a traveling job that re2uired me to be out of town several nights ever week, and this prevented me from making a regular commitment to communit +building activities. It was a dark season and I was battling serious depression.

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6ooking back, I can now see that period of m life in terms of m grace tank. %nd what I see is that I was living in the sludge. Specificall , there were two major problems, and the were intimatel connected. 0irst, much of m life was operating under the law s stem. % slave to m personali,ed+law, I was striving to live b m own power, and all it accomplished was me living without sufficient fuel. Second, because I was living b the law, I was left to face the grace+killing arrows of this harsh world on an empt tank. 1race+killers are an thing that rob our tank of the fuel that ou need to survive. &his world, with its perform or else mentalit , hurls these grace+killers at us ever da . %nd during that period of m life, I was taking hit after hit from these grace+killers without an sufficient means to refill. It was, and is, a recipe for disaster. So this chapter is about helping ou to avoid those dark, empt periods of life like I e*perienced back then. &his means learning how to identif , and hopefull minimi,e, the most significant of these grace+killers. In particular, we will look at seven of the most serious? spiritual disconnect, emotional isolation, meanness, lack of rest, failure, stress, and obligation. While this isn#t a complete list, if ou can minimi,e the impact of these seven grace+killers on our life ou will be well on our wa to living abundantl . 6et#s begin with a look at spiritual disconnect.

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!pirit$al Disconnect
In &eaching for an In%isi+le #od, Dhilip 3ance recounts a letter he received from someone struggling with their faith. I have been going through an enormousl difficult couple of earsHat times it seems I will crack beneath the pressure. %ll of this has shaken m faith in 4esus $hrist and I am still tr ing to pick up the pieces of a once unshakable faith. I find m self asking the 2uestion not is 1od or 4esus for real, but is m faith and what is called a personal relationship" trul authentic./; 6ife is hard, and faith doesn#t alwa s come easil . Sometimes we struggle to find 1od amidst the hurt. 8uring these times in our lives when we can#t seem to reach 1od, our grace tank suffers as the nourishment we need alludes us. So what#s the cause of spiritual disconnect' Well, it could be a lot of things, but often the problem is the world. 7ntil we get to .eaven, 1od#s voice is still and 2uiet, and the noise and pain of this world can often drown .im out. !ut the world isn#t alwa s to blame= sometimes the problem lies with us. %s with an relationship, if we don#t communicate, we drift apart. We all need !ible stud , pra er, and worship because these are the wa s we communicate with 1od, and without them, we risk allowing a distance to develop in our relationship with .im. !ut whatever the cause, the end result is the sameHspiritual disconnect is a grace+ killer. Without a vibrant connection with 1od, our grace tank dr s

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up, leaving us thoroughl and completel stuck. 4esus said, apart from me ou can do nothing" (4ohn /<?<), and he meant it.

Emotional Isolation
&his was m most significant problem during that dark period of m life. When we are emotionall isolated from others, we have effectivel cut ourselves off from 1od#s indirect sources of grace. &he results are alwa s devastating. Over two hundred ears ago, &homas 4efferson, in a letter he wrote to his daughter Doll , perfectl captured the effects of emotional isolation. I am convinced our own happiness re2uires that we should continue to mi* with the world, and to keep pace with itP I can speak from e*perience on the subject. 0rom /AC9 to /ACA, I remained closel at home, saw none but those who came there, and at length became ver sensible of the ill effect it had upon m own mind, and of its direct and irresistible tendenc to render me unfit for societ , and uneas when necessaril engaged in it. I felt enough of the effect of withdrawing from the world then to see that it lead to an anti+social and misanthropic state of mind, which severel punishes him who gives in to it= and it will be a lesson I never shall forget as to m self./< We are made to connect with others, and without that connection the fuel in our grace tank is 2uickl depleted. %nd, although it is up to us to place ourselves in communit , this world doesn#t make

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it eas . Our societ offers us more free time than ever before in histor , but it entices us to spend that time alone. %s .arvard professor >obert Dutnam wrote? &elevision, two+career families, suburban sprawl, generational changes in valuesHthese and other changes in %merican societ have meant that fewer and fewer of us find that the 6eague of Women IotersPor the monthl bridge club, or even a Sunda picnic with friends fits the wa we have come to live. Our growing social+capital deficit threatens educational performance, safe neighborhoods, e2uitable ta* collection, democratic responsiveness, ever da honest , and even our health and happiness./@ In our societ there is no end to the reasons wh we isolate, and the result is an empt tank. !ut we must remember that emotional isolation is a grace+killer, and if left unchecked, it will drain awa our fuel and leave us operating in the sludge.

'eanness
I#m not sure meanness is reall a word, et I imagine that ou probabl understand. Sadl , I could offer man e*amples of this grace+killer from m personal life, but I#ll share the one that perhaps captures it better than an other. 8uring m corporate career I was contracted out to another compan for a short time.

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When I arrived, I was surprised to discover that a former coworker was also doing contract work there, and that we were assigned to the same project. I considered him a friend and was pleased b the news. Our project got off to a good start, but then took an une*pected turn for the worse. It was a multi+million+dollar project, and as a result, the work environment began to grow tense. $olleagues began pointing fingers at each other to escape taking the blame. In the midst of the storm, m friend found another job and left. !ut on his last da he sent me an email that read, 3ou have no idea what ou are doing and ever bod knows it." It was completel graceless and unfair, and when I went to talk to him about it, he was gone, never to return. &hat is meanness, and there is plent of it going around. %t work, at school, and, sadl , even in our homes, the people in our lives are under the law, and the are angr . %nd often the direct that anger towards us. 7nfair criticism, harsh labels, and spiteful comments hit us s2uare on, and our grace tanks take a serious beating. Worst of all, meanness has a residual effect. 6ong after the hurt has been inflicted, we continue to carr it. Sometimes, we pla it back over and over for da s, months, or even ears. :eanness can rule our da s and ruin our nights, all the time burning awa life+giving grace. %mong all the grace+killers, meanness is the most direct, a frontal assault on the abundant life. Sadl , ou can not live in this fallen world and avoid it. %ll ou can do is return to the grace+givers for restoration and healing.

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#ac5 of 6est
I have a friend who knows all about this grace+killer. She suffers from serious deterioration in her back, and as a result, has trouble sleeping nearl ever night. &r as she might, each da is a struggle. Darents of infants know this grace+killer too. When babies wake up at random times in the middle of the night, screaming for a meal, it will 2uickl drain a grace tank. Some friends of mine from college had twins. %fter a few months of sleep deprivation, the wife grew so e*hausted that she began to have hallucinations. It is hard to live at all, much less live abundantl , when ou#re seeing things that aren#t there. 1od made us to need rest, and when we don#t get it our grace tanks take a hit. Sometimes there is nothing we can do about a lack of rest, for poor health or a newborn#s sleep habits are often out of our control. !ut, at other times, we can be guilt of inflicting this grace+killer on ourselves. :an of us push too hard, tr ing to do it all. We work long hours, spend our evenings taking the kids from one activit to another, and then sta up too late tr ing to find a minute to ourselves. Sadl , our weekends are usuall no different, and are often worseM %nd although we are the ones building such frantic lives, we live in a culture that shares some of the blame, for we#re constantl told that living on the run is simpl what it takes to get ahead. %head of what I wonder, for our relentless pace certainl isn#t bringing us an closer to the abundant life.

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%ail$re
&he world is our o ster. If ou work hard enough an thing is possible. 3ou too can live the %merican dream. .ave ou heard these e*pressions' 8o ou believe them' While for some these platitudes hold true, the certainl don#t for ever one. 8espite our best efforts, sometimes the opportunities don#t alwa s come, or worse, the come and we don#t succeed. .erman :elville, widel considered one of the greatest literar minds in histor , was a financial flop during his own lifetime. .is entire career earnings as a writer amounted to less than ten thousand dollars. Fventuall , he had to 2uit writing full+time and take a job as a customs agent in :anhattan in order to provide for his famil . Fven :elville#s best known work 5o+y !ick didn#t come close to selling+out its first printing, and when the remaining copies burned up in a warehouse fire, few cared. 0ailure is a harsh realit of life. We don#t alwa s hit a home run in the bottom of the ninth. We don#t alwa s get the promotion we long for. %nd we don#t alwa s win the girl. Dut simpl , dreams don#t alwa s come true. %nd, as such, failure usuall results in a painful hit to our grace tank. &here are man kinds of failure, but the most damaging is the relational kind. Sometimes we can#t hold the marriage together. Sometimes we can#t reconcile things with our parents. %nd sometimes our kids don#t turn out like we hoped. (:elville knew this pain too. .is oldest son killed himself after a troubled life.) &hese are the deep

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failures, and the can devastate. >egardless of the kind of failure, this world does nothing to help ease our pain. !eing law+based, the world applauds success and ridicules failure, disregarding the obvious contradiction that we can#t all be number one. So when we fall short, as we all sometimes do, this world stands b and laughs, while we cr . %nd, the grace drains 2uickl from our tanks.

!tress
8avid :c$ullough wrote a fantastic biograph of .arr &ruman. In the book, :c$ullough captures all of &ruman#s abilit and character. .owever, he also captures the incredible pressure placed on &ruman#s shoulders. .aving inherited the presidenc after 0ranklin >oosevelt#s death, &ruman took the helm at the height of World War II, and following the war, faced intense economic and political challenges. F*ternall &ruman carried it well, but underneath the surface the pressure took a great toll. .is public statements were models of restraint. On the surface he was all restraint, unrattled, entirel his familiar, chipper self, the double+breasted suits smoothl pressed, shoes shined, a spring to his step, a look of alert vitalit behind the thick glasses...Inwardl &ruman was an e*tremel frustrated, resentful, and angr man, worn thin b criticism, fed up with crises not of his making and with people who, as he saw it, cared nothing for their countr , onl their own selfish interests./A

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0ew of us could imagine the weight &ruman carried, but regardless of its magnitude, stress alwa s has the same resultHit empties our grace tank. Work deadlines, financial commitments, health concerns, and famil responsibilities are just a few of the innumerable areas that can put stress into our lives. %nd all of these pressures can re2uire incredible amounts of ph sical and emotional energ . &his is life in a fallen world, and stress will alwa s be a part of it. 3et, we can often e*acerbate the stress with our performance mind+set. Somehow we think we can do it all and so we tr , no matter how unrealistic it ma be. %s such, we refuse to slow down, accept our limits, or ask others for help. We can handle it, we tell ourselves, even though, in truth, we can#t. %nd, as we are overwhelmed, we burn 2uickl through the grace in our tanks, soon finding ourselves operating in the sludge. Stress is a grace+killer.

Obli"ation
8o ou ever feel like ou should do something, even though ou don#t want to' We all do, and et operating b a sense of obligation is not 1od#s idea. .enr $loud and 4ohn &ownsend e*plain. &he word should e*presses obligation, compulsion, dut . It implies that we have no choice= that if we do other than we should, we are bad or condemned. Sa ing that shoulds that make us feel bad or condemned are not good is a

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difficult position to defend, for most of us have a deep sense of obligation. We should fi* dinner for our famil . We should get to work on time. We should stop overeating. We should stop spending be ond our budget. &hen the shoulds invade our spiritual lives. We should set aside time for !ible stud , serve on that board of directors, love our neighbor who gossips. The pro+lem arises when we do things in order to +e good' instead of +ecause of the +lessing we will gain +y doing them. &he problem is doing things from a sense of obligation instead of out of genuine love./B Obligation seems so spiritual, but it isn#t. If the motive is wrong, the action is wrong. 0or I desire merc , not sacrifice," we find in .osea @?@. &o 1od it is alwa s about the heart, and when ou consider wh , the reason becomes clear. &hink of it this wa . Would ou want someone to give ou a gift out of obligation' 3ey' I hope you like your gift. I didn"t really want to get it for you' +ut' well' I felt like I had to' so here you go. )njoy. It doesn#t e*actl invoke warm and fu,, feelings does it' In the same wa , 1od doesn#t want us doing things for .im, or for others, that we don#t reall want to do. %fter all, what#s the point' !ut the empt motive of obligation isn#t the onl reason 1od doesn#t like it. In addition, 1od knows that obligation is a grace+killer. Whenever we grind awa at life out of a sense of dut we drain our grace tanks. 8oing things because we have to do them is the law s stem, it is perform or else, and all that it

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accomplishes is 2uick trip into the sludge. Spiritual disconnect, emotional isolation, meanness, lack of rest, failure, stress, and obligation are chief among the grace+killers. If left unchecked, the will rob ou of ever ounce of grace in our tank. !ut unfortunatel , in this law+based world these grace+killers are ever where. So what, then, can be done' &he answer is, as much as it depends on us, to tr and avoid them and to make sure that we are tapping into sufficient grace+givers to counteract the loss. &his is best done b keeping a close inventor of our grace tank. Ta5in" In+entory &hings have changed for me since those dark da s in m earl twenties. !efore I had little understanding of m grace tank, but now I am becoming an e*pert. Fver da , countless times a da , it has become second nature for me to evaluate how I am doing in light of how much fuel I have inside. When I#ve gone a long time without meaningful connection with 1od or others, I can sense that I#m beginning to tap into the sludge at the bottom of the tank. When I#m suddenl energi,ed b m work, I reali,e that m tank has been filled b engaging m calling. When I find m self ine*plicabl resentful of spending time with m kids, I know that it is time to step awa because I need some more fuel. When I#m read to tackle the commitments of another work da , I remember

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that it is because I#ve e*perienced the grace of rest. 7nfortunatel , this awareness of m grace tank doesn#t alwa s mean that I put m self in the proper position to receive more grace, but I#m getting better. &he grace s stem is a complete lifest le transformation, and part of the change includes continuall reviewing the state of our grace tank. &hroughout the da , like putting a dip stick in a gas can, we can take stock of where we are at. %re we full or running low' .ave we just e*perienced a grace+killer' What then do we need to refill' Is our tank overflowing' What just caused it to' &aking inventor of our grace tank is about understanding who we are and where we are at. It means growing in self+awareness, so that we can reali,e when we need to tap into 1od#s nourishing grace. %nd none of us are e*actl alike. 0or ou, someone#s kindness ma fill our tank to overflowing. While for me, it ma onl fill m tank a tin bit. Or, perhaps a mean+spirited remark puts ou into the sludge, but onl drains me a little. 1od has made us all different, and as such, grace+givers and grace+killers effect us differentl . &herefore, our job is to remain aware of the fuel level in our tank so that we won#t run dr . !ut remember, grace cannot be earned= it can onl be received. So when ou discover ou are running on empt , that is the signal to once again open up our tank. %nd 1od is faithful. .e is waiting to fill ou up, both directl and indirectl , with life+ giving grace.

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A )race-%illed #ife is a )race-)i+in" #ife %t this point we have seen the vast differences between the grace s stem and the law s stem. In particular, we have discovered how the grace s stem brings life and how the law s stem robs it. :oreover, we have taken apart the grace s stem to see how it works. %nd what we#ve found is that humilit and obedience lead us to open up our tanks so that we might receive from 1od and .is people the grace+givers that we need to thrive. -ow it#s time to make the switch. 1race is free, and each of us can have our fill. &hanks to 4esus# death on the cross, we can have more than a ticket for heaven. We can also have a ticket for the fulness of life. %nd the best part of all is that this abundant life is free= it has nothing to do with our own performance. Perform or else is dead, and will remain that wa if we will allow it to. So let#s make a commitment to a lifest le of grace, and in so doing, discover that a full grace tank will change ever aspect of our lives. &hen, our life that was once so self+focused and continuall worried about measuring up, will become free to lavish ourselves and the world around us with 1od#s loving+kindness. %nd this brings us to the final section of the book, where we will learn to put the grace s stem into action in our dail lives. &his means learning how to appl our new found grace to practical areas, like our thought life, our time, and our relationships. In other words, it means leaving the theor behind us and continuing our journe to put the good news back into real life.

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Chapter Ten: )race 1o$r Thin5in" I have been 0oolish and 8eluded," said he, and I am a !ear of -o !rain at %ll." 3ou#re the !est !ear in %ll the World," said $hristopher >obin soothingl . %m I'" said Dooh hopefull . %nd he brightened up suddenl . +%. %. :ilne (Winnie+&he+Dooh) 0inall , brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovel , whatever is admirableH if an thing is e*cellent or praiseworth Hthink about such things." +Dhilippians ;?B

1rowing up, I had a friend who I envied. .e was smart, athletic, and e*tremel good+looking. &o me, he had ever thing going for him. 3et, appearances can be deceiving. 0or several ears m friend had a stead girlfriend, but for a time the called it 2uits. Some time later, to m surprise, I heard that she wanted to go out on a date with me. -ot wanting to hurt m friend#s feelings, I went to him and asked if it were reall over and if he didn#t mind me asking her out. .e assured me that it was totall fine, and so she and I went out to dinner. %fter I took her home, we were

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chatting when the phone rang. She went into the kitchen to answer it. 1uess who was calling' It was m friend checking up on us. %pparentl things weren#t 2uite as over for him as he had implied. Seeing that dating her was obviousl a bad idea, I let it go. !ut through that e*perience, and some others, I began to discover that this friend was no different than me. !eneath the enviable e*terior was an insecure person, striving for love and acceptance. Since then, I#ve learned that if ou can look past the superficial ou generall find the same thingHstruggling people. &he popular girl who is all smiles is deepl insecure. &he successful businessman with the large bank account is profoundl depressed. &he mother of four who runs the D.&.%. e*periences severe panic attacks. %nd, while there ma be different root causes, one common factor is alwa s poor thinking. In truth, I think ever one has this problem to one degree or another. It occurs whenever our thoughts about ourselves fail to line up with 1od#s truth. 0or instance, we are a child of 1od, but we don#t believe it. Or, we are loved unconditionall , but we can#t accept it. !ut the problems with our thinking don#t end there. In addition to thinking too little of ourselves, we can also be deceived into thinking too much of ourselves. %nd, sometimes, we have a third problem where we think about the wrong kinds of things. .ere#s the point. In each of our lives there is a great deal going on beneath the surface, and much of it is taking place in our thoughts. Fver da there is a battle waging, a spiritual battle,

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concerning what ou do and don#t think about. %nd what ou ma not reali,e is that this battle is reall between the grace s stem and the law s stem. 3our personali,ed+law, with its constant measuring stick, infiltrates our thinking and does serious damage, corrupting our view of ourself and the world around ou. Specificall , the law leads to three problems in our thinking? self+condemnation, self+inflation, and self+medication. 1race, however, can bring healing to our thought life, restoring us to 1od#s view of ourselves and our world. In this chapter, we are going to learn how to appl the grace s stem to our thought life, and in so doing, bring the abundant life into a new area of our lives, our minds. 6et#s begin b understanding how the law reeks havoc on our thinking. !elf-Condemnation -obod likes me. Fver bod hates me. I guess I#ll go eat worms." &hose were the l rics to a camp song I knew growing up. 8o ou like them' &he are terrible, of course, but not just artisticall . What#s wrong with those three sentences is how profoundl the resemble the kind of self+talk that runs through our minds each da . 6ast ear, I needed some work done on our heating s stem. I called in a hand +man, and from the beginning I knew that I#d found a pro. !ut as he started, I began to see that he held a different view of himself. Our heat s stem is water+based, and so it re2uired some work on the plumbing. %t one point he couldn#t get a fitting attached and I could hear him mumbling to

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himself, 3ou are so stupid." I believe those words, made audible in his frustration, showed what was reall going on below the surface. %nd he is not alone. :ost people have this angr voice in their heads. It is the graceless voice of the law. %nd, over and over, all da long, this voice stands read to let us have it if we fall short in even the slightest wa . /ou are so stupid. /ou ne%er get anything right. /ou are such a failure. Sound familiar' If we put it to a melod we#d have m old camp song. $o+ody likes you. )%ery+ody hates you. /ou should go eat worms. &he power behind this voice cannot be overstated. &urned inward it condemns us. &urned outward it condemns others. It is what keeps the perfectionist performing, the judgmental person critici,ing, the angr person raging, and the insecure person reeling. So how did this voice get there' %s mentioned earlier, it could be the internali,ed voice of a law+striving parent or authorit , it could be our own creation, or it could be some of both. 3et one thing is clear, it is the voice of perform or else, and not the voice of 1od. %nd, if we are going to find the abundant life that 4esus promised, we must silence this voice and learn to grace our thoughts. With our grace tanks sufficientl filled, we must take a scoop of loving kindness and pour it over ever harsh and critical word that enters our minds. Daul wrote, &herefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in $hrist 4esus." (>omans B?/) %s followers of 4esus, 1od is not condemning us, so we no longer

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need to condemn ourselves. 7nder the grace s stem performance is dead, and so our performance+based thinking must die with it. !elf-Inflation Self+condemnation, however, isn#t the onl problem with our thinking. Surprisingl , even as we are self+condemning, we can also manage to be narcissistic. $.S. 6ewis# last novel was entitled Til 6e 3a%e Faces. It tells the stor of Orual, a oung woman who becomes Jueen of the land of 1lome. In 1lome the worshiped a harsh, self+serving god named 7ngit, a god whom Orual hated. 3et as her life draws to a close, Orual comes face to face with a harsh realit Hshe is just as harsh and self+serving as the god she hates. It was I who was 7ngit. &hat ruinous face was mine. I was that !atta+thing, that all devouring womblike, et barren, thing. 1lome was the webHI the swollen spider, s2uat at its center, gorged with men#s stolen lives."/C 6ike Orual, left to ourselves we are all 7ngit, placing our agenda and our needs before those of others. Simpl put, the problem is our sinful nature, e*acerbated b the law. %s law+strivers, we are the focus. Will we or won#t we measure up' Will we or won#t we get the love we crave' It is our small, inward+looking lives that care, foremost, about ourselves. %nd, as such, our thoughts are often self+inflated. I should +e first. 6hy aren"t they paying attention to me0 It isn"t my fault' I always do my jo+. %lthough these self+inflating thoughts ma seem like the

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contradict the self+condemning thoughts we just talked about, in realit , it is no contradiction at all. &he law s stem, with its demand for constant performance, makes us a mi*ed bag of both too+little and too+much. So while the grace s stem is based on humilit , being who we reall are, the law s stem is based upon pride, striving to be who we reall aren#t. %nd, although it might seem strange at first, thinking of ourself as either more than or less than who 1od made ou to be are both reall the same thingH pride. &hus, in contrast to the self+focus of the law s stem, the grace s stem is 1od+focused. %s >ick Warren put it in the famous opening line of his book The Purpose !ri%en (ife, It#s not about ou."5G Fver thing in the grace s stem is about 1od, for .e is the centerHthe author and sustainer of our lives. %s a result, two things happen in our thought+life. 0irst, we increasingl focus our thoughts on 1od instead of ourselves. Second, knowing that we are loved unconditionall , when we do think about ourselves, we no longer need to pretend we are more than we are. In other words, the grace s stem puts our thinking back in perspective. So as a grace+liver, whenever our thoughts become self+absorbed, all we need to do is dip into our grace tank and pour a perspective+ restoring scoop of grace onto our proud thoughts. !elf-'edication !ack in the eighties I remember watching re+runs of

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Fantasy Island, a show about :r. >oarke and his trust sidekick &attoo who welcomed guests to their magical vacation destination. What made the island so special was that visitors were able to live out the fulfillment of their deepest (and sometimes darkest) desires. 7nfortunatel for man , the soon discovered that these dreams came with a heav price. 8o ou reali,e that most people have their own 0antas Island in their thoughts' It is the place where we sometimes go to escape from the harsh realities of life and to indulge in a little dreaming. !ut, just as with :r. >oarke#s fantas +land, what we often fail to reali,e is that our fantasies also have a steep price. Sensualit , false+romance, revenge, bitterness, what+ifs= all of these are self+destructive things that we turn to when we are struggling beneath the burden of the law. 7nder the constant pressure to perform, and desiring a moment#s relief, our thoughts can begin wandering to 0antas Island. %nd it is a place where 1od does not want us to go. .ave nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness," Daul wrote, but rather e*pose them." (Fphesians <?//) 3et we don#t listen, for the darkness promises us a false+intimac for our empt grace tanks. 8o not take revenge, m friends, but leave room for 1odEs wrath, for it is written? #It is mine to avenge= I will repa ,# sa s the 6ord." (>omans /5?/C) 3et we don#t listen, for revenge tastes sweet when we are operating in the sludge. 0or 1od did not call us to be impure, but to live a hol life." (/&hessalonians ;?A) 3et we don#t listen, for impurit is tantali,ing

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when we are worn+out from tr ing to obtain the hol life b our own efforts. 6aw+striving leads us to sinful, self+medicating thoughts, a cheap anesthetic for numbing the pain of our empt grace tanks. !ut under the grace s stem, all of these impure thoughts are unnecessar . Since we are free from performance, we no longer need to escape from the burden of its weight. %nd since our tanks are filled, we no longer need to search after false+fuel. Of course, none of us has full embraced the wa of grace, and so sometimes the temptation to visit 0antas Island does return. In such times, the solution is to simpl refill our grace tanks and allow some of 1od#s loving+kindness to cover over our unhol thoughts. 0or grace, and onl grace, can make us, and keep us, pure. The Process of ;)racin" 1o$r Tho$"hts< : oldest son is taking &a+Kwan+8o. .e#s doing great, in part because we practice together at home. >ight now we are learning the five basic kicks. What I#ve found is that it helps to break each kick down into steps. .ere#s the step for the front kick. 0irst, leg back. &hen, knee up. -e*t, kick out. 0inall , plant down and repeat. %fter slowl practicing the steps, m son then begins to do them more naturall . %nd soon he#ll be protecting the neighborhood from all kinds of bullies. In much the same wa , this is how we can learn to grace our thoughts. We need to break the process down into steps. &hen, once we#ve got the steps down,

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we can begin to do the entire process more naturall . &he process of gracing our thoughts has five steps. 0irst, capture our thoughts. Second, filter our thoughts. &hird, renew our thoughts. 0ourth, release stra thoughts. 0ifth, smother wrong thoughts. If ou practice these five steps ou#ll soon begin mastering them, and before ou know it, ou#ll be protecting our mind from all kinds of bullies. 6et#s begin with step one.

Capt$re 1o$r Tho$"hts

It happened 2uite a lot. We would leave the garage door open and, inevitabl , a bird would fl inside. 7suall the were able to find their wa back out again, but on a couple of occasions I needed to lend a helping hand. With m arms covering m face for protection, I would make m wa into the garage and start approaching the bird until I frightened him back out. .owever, on one particular occasion, it didn#t work. -o matter how man times I tried, the bird continued to reposition itself up in the rafters. !ack and forth I went tr ing to scare him to safet , and back and forth he went from one perch to another. &hen I got a brilliant idea. I took a broom handle and lashed a milk crate to one end, inventing m own bird+catching tool. %nd for the ne*t twent minutes, I attempted to snare the bird with the crate. Our house sat on a fairl bus street, and I can onl imagine what people thought as I jumped up and down in m garage, swinging m home+made bird catcher. !ut, despite the

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absurdit of the situation, I eventuall caught the aeronautical pest, and sent him back into the great outdoors where he belonged. So wh did I go to all of that trouble' One reason...it was m garage and I didn#t want a bird living in it. &his is the first thing that we must understand about our thought+life. 4ust as with the bird in m garage, our mind is our propert , and we have to take responsibilit for whatever is fl ing around inside. It ma seem like our thoughts are out of our control, but b the power of 1od#s grace the are not. %nd so we need to tie a milk crate to a stick and start swinging. In other words, we must capture our thoughts. &he %postle Daul referred to this in 5 $orinthians. We demolish arguments and ever pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of 1od, and we take captive ever thought to make it obedient to $hrist." (5 $orinthians /G?<) Daul#s words were in the conte*t of fault intellectual ideas, but the principal applies to an thought that opposes the fullness of life that 1od has for us. If it comes into our head, it can (and should) be captured. Fver da we e*perience countless thoughts. Some of these thoughts are self+condemning, some are self+inflating, and some are self+medicating, and et we often allow such thoughts to take up residence in our minds. !ut the process of gracing our thoughts puts a stop to this. &he first wa it does this is b putting a sentinel at the gatewa of our minds. Once there, this sentinel stands guard, challenging ever thought that tries to enter. 6ho goes

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there0 6hat is your +usiness0 6hy should I let you in0 %nd, if the thought doesn#t pass the test, it is dismissed. So what does it mean to pass the test' What are the criteria for accepting a thought' Well, thankfull , 1od has given us a check+list, and this check+list is the ne*t step in our process.

%ilter 1o$r Tho$"hts

%t the end of the book of Dhilippians there is a verse that alwa s strikes me with its beaut . 0inall , brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovel , whatever is admirableHif an thing is e*cellent or praiseworth Hthink about such things." (Dhilippians ;?B) !ut this verse is a great deal more than just nice prose. .ere we find the e*act criteria we need for our check+list. &houghts that are true, noble, right, pure, lovel , admirable, e*cellent or praiseworth should be permitted into our minds. &houghts that aren#t, should not. So whenever a thought enters our head, the first thing we do is capture it. (>emember, it is our responsibilit .) &hen, we use this check+list like a filter to decide what can be allowed in and what can#t. $o' this thought is self,condemning' which %iolates the true and right criteria2 it may not pass. $o' this thought is self,inflating' which %iolates the e*cellent and praiseworthy criteria2 it may not pass. $o' this thought is self, medicating' which %iolates the no+le and pure criteria2 it may not pass. /es' this thought is lo%ely2 it may enter. 0or some time now, I#ve been using this filter when I la

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down to go to bed. & picall , night time has alwa s been when m thoughts get the best of me, or, perhaps more accuratel , the worst of me. %s I la there, the darkness often creeps in and begins filling m mind with ever lie imaginable. !ut a couple of ears ago I began to make a change. Instead of allowing m thoughts to run wild, I first captured them and then ran them through the filter of Dhilippians ;?B. Sadl , nearl ever thing I was thinking about failed the test, but whatever did not I concentrated on until I fell blissfull asleep. -ow I#ve added a new twist. 7suall , I come armed to bedtime with one or two pre+determined topics to focus on, topics that meet 1od#s criteria, and, as a result, the improvement in m sleep has been significant. &his isn#t a helpful trick= it is a planH1od#s plan. .e made us to be pure and hol , and .e wants us to think that wa too. -ot onl at night but all da long, if we will filter our thoughts what we will find is that we will begin to e*perience more of the abundant life that 4esus promised. Derhaps ou are skeptical. 3ou don#t believe ou have the power to capture and filter our thoughts. Well, actuall , ou#re right. In and of ourself, ou don#t have the power. -o one does. !ut don#t forget, ou are no longer operating b our own strength. -o, ou have left the law+striving behind. Instead, ou are now depending upon grace, and grace is not your power to live well, it is #od"s power. ! our own strength we cannot take control of our thoughts, but b 1od#s strength we can. %nd this makes a nice transition to the ne*t step

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in our process.

6enew 1o$r Tho$"hts

%nd the hundred acre wood grew floodier and floodier," declared the -arrator. In The 5any 7d%entures of 6innie,The,Pooh, Diglet awakens to an alarming discover , his room is rapidl filling with water. % flood has struck, and Diglet is in great danger of being washed awa . -ot knowing what to do, he jumps aboard a floating chair, grabs a ladle, and begins franticall bailing water into a pot. &he onl problem is that the pot is floating too, and, as soon as Diglet fills the pot, it sinks below the surface. 7ndaunted, Diglet tries again with the ne*t pot and the ne*t, onl to achieve the same futile result. Diglet#s problem is, of course, that his efforts are doing nothing to address the source of the water, which continues to pour into his home. In this process of gracing our thoughts, we must avoid Diglet#s mistake. If we aren#t careful we can capture our thoughts and filter our thoughts all da long, while the flood waters continue to pour in, unaddressed. So we need to do more than just stop the poor thoughts that come to us. We must also make some changes at the source, insuring that, as much as it is possible, those poor thoughts cease coming. !ut how do we do that' Daul wrote, 8o not conform an longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed b the renewing of our mind. &hen ou will be able to test and approve what 1odEs will isHhis good, pleasing and

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perfect will." (>omans /5?5) &he ke to stopping this flood of bad thinking is to be transformed b the renewing of our mind." &his is much more than just a filter. It is a complete change in the wa we think, and this change is about purit . 1od wants the criteria of Dhilippians ;?B to become more than a check+ list. .e wants it to be who we are. &he goal is that we would be true, noble, right, pure, lovel , admirable, e*cellent and praiseworth , and if we are, our thinking will be too. &his is, after all, the aim of the entire grace s stemHto humbl and obedientl put ourselves in the position to receive 1od#s life+changing loving+ kindness. %nd as our grace tank gets filled, we will not onl discover the power to walk awa from self+condemning, self+ inflating, and self+medicating thoughts, but we will also find that these self+condemning, self+inflating, and self+medicating thoughts begin to dr up. In other words, when we live b grace our minds will be renewed, and we will no longer think in the same destructive patterns. Our part in this renewal is the same as it is with the rest of the grace s stem. We can#t make the changes, but we can seek after tank+filling grace+givers, and avoid tank+depleting grace+killers. %nd so, when it comes to the renewing of our minds, we need to briefl return to the topic of grace+givers and grace+ killers. Who do ou think is more likel to be flooded b bad thinking, someone who has just spent the evening chatting with a good friend in a coffee shop or someone who has just spent the

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evening looking at pornograph on the internet' Or, who do ou think is more likel to be flooded b bad thinking, someone who has just finished watching a 1+rated famil film or someone who has been watching an >+rated horror flick' Or, who do ou think is more likel to be flooded b bad thinking, someone who has just spent an hour reading their !ible or someone who has just spent an hour reading a trash romance novel' I think ou would agree, the answers to these 2uestions are rather eas . .ere#s the point. :ost of the things that enter into our minds can be traced back to our choices regarding how we occup our minds. Dick good things and we get good thoughts. Dick bad things and we get bad thoughts. In other words, how we entertain ourselves is another important area of grace+givers and grace+ killers. 7nder the grace s stem we are free to watch or read an thing, but that doesn#t mean it is a good idea. 3ou, m brothers, were called to be free. !ut do not use our freedom to indulge the sinful nature= rather, serve one another in love." (1alatians <?/9) 7nder the grace s stem there is no condemnation. We reall can do an thing we want, but wh would we' We have the choice to occup ourselves with things that fill our grace tanks or things that deplete them, and if we reall appreciate what $hrist has done for us this is reall no choice at all. &he renewing of our minds is a work that 1od does in us to help us leave behind old self+destructive patterns of thinking. It is a work that 1od does in us when our grace tanks are filled. !ut

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it is a work that we can hinder b the wa in which we choose to entertain ourselves. 3ears ago, I once heard a speaker sa , Watch what our watching when our watching what our watching." &his isn#t about being a rule+follower. It is about assisting the .ol Spirit in the renewing of our mind b engaging our mind with grace+givers and avoiding grace+killers. >emember, ou will never be able to capture and filter our thoughts if ou are choosing to allow the darkness to pour in like a flood.

6elease !tray Tho$"hts

: best friend takes the process of renewing his mind ver seriousl . %s such, he is e*tremel diligent about what he watches and looks at. Several ears back his commitment to purit faced a serious challengeHa trip to 6as Iegas. If ou#ve ever been to Iegas ou know that it is more than gambling. Walking the strip, with its architecture and entertainment, is like touring the world. !ut, if ou#ve walked the strip, ou are also probabl aware of the darker side of Iegas. %s ou fight our wa down the crowded street, ou repeatedl encounter shad men entering our personal space and tr ing to fill our hands with leaflets for their gentleman#s clubs." In realt , these leaflets are nothing more than mildl +censored pornograph . !ut, thankfull , m friend had an une*pected solution to this problemHhe was joined on the trip b his mother. %nd to his great relief, he 2uickl discovered that for some reason the men were much less willing to approach him with

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his mom b his side. &he fourth step in the process of gracing our thoughts has a great deal in common with the Iegas strip. Sadl , no matter how well we capture our thoughts, filter our thoughts, and renew our thoughts, poor thinking will still push its wa into our minds. So what are we to do when, tr as we might, self+condemning, self+ inflating, and self+medicating thoughts get past our defenses and into our personal space' Since m friend#s solution ma prove to be a bit impractical, we need to find another wa of handling this invasion of ungodliness. %nd, thankfull , the solution is both simple and powerfulHwe can refuse to take what is offered. -o one can capture ever thought. -o one can filter ever thought. %nd no one has had their mind completel renewed. 8ark thoughts will enter our heads, but just because the do it doesn#t mean that we have to dwell on them. In Iegas, the sidewalks around those peddlers are covered b hundreds and hundreds of discarded leaflets. :an people who had the leaflets thrust upon them withdrew their hands and allowed them to cascade to the ground. Wouldn#t ou agree that there is an enormous difference between having a pornographic leaflet thrust upon ou and discarding it, and having a pornographic leaflet thrust upon ou and stud ing it' In the same wa , it is not a sin to have a horrible thought pop into our mind. It is onl a sin when we embrace it. So when self+condemning, self+inflating, and self+ medicating thoughts push their wa into our consciousness,

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choose to ignore them, allowing them to fall, unreceived, down upon the pavement. &here is an anecdote about >obert F. 6ee that captures the idea. 0ollowing the $ivil War, while he was serving as the Dresident of Washington $ollege, a book salesman entered 6ee#s office in search of an endorsement. I sent ou the other da , 1eneral, a cop of this book which I am engaged in selling." 6ee promptl answered, 3es, sir, I received it, and obliged to ou for our kindness." :istaking politeness for encouragement, the salesman pressed on? I called this morning to get ou to give me a recommendation of the work. % line from ou would be worth a great deal to me." 3ou must e*cuse me, sir," 6ee said in his formula for indicating that a meeting was at an end. I cannot recommend a book which I have not read, and never e*pect to read."5/ 4ust because we#ve been given a book it doesn#t mean we have to read it. %nd, in the same wa , just because we have a thought it doesn#t mean we must embrace it. !ut how, ou might rightfull ask, do we ignore a thought' It is e*tremel difficult to dismiss something from our minds, especiall lies with which we have had a powerful histor . While there is no 2uestion it can be hard, the secret is again found on that

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Iegas street. &hose who do best at refusing the peddlers do not even look at them. &he stare at the sidewalk in front of them and walk right past. Droverbs e*plains, 6et our e es look straight ahead, fi* our ga,e directl before ou. :ake level paths for our feet and take onl wa s that are firm. 8o not swerve to the right or the left= keep our foot from evil." (Droverbs ;?5<+5A) &he ke to sta ing awa from evil is to fi* our ga,e s2uarel on 1od#s good wa . %nd, in our thought life, this means fi*ing our minds on 1od and .is truth. &r to think about our favorite food and simultaneousl recall the 1ett sburg address. I don#t think ou can do it. Since we are finite, so is our thinking, and we can onl maintain a single thought at a time. So to aid us in refusing ungodl thoughts, one ver practical suggestion comes from Dsalm //C?CA, Oh, how I love our lawM I meditate on it all da long." :emori,ing a few Scriptures can be particularl helpful here. 0or when confronted with poor thinking, ou can 2uickl focus our attention on those verses and keep our focus there until the inappropriate thought has faded awa . Fven with a full grace tank our minds can wander back to bad patterns and familiar temptations. Whenever that occurs we must practice the fourth step in our process, refusing stra thoughts. Sadl , however, this still ma not be enough. In a moment of weakness, we ma choose the false comfort of self+ destructive thinking. So what do we do then' &hankfull , the

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grace s stem has that covered too, and it brings us to the final step in our process.

!mother (ron" Tho$"hts

: daughter gives great hugs. She wraps her tin arms around our neck and s2uee,es with all her might. &o the best of her abilit , she doesn#t just hug ou, she envelopes ou. It#s a wonderful feeling, one of unconditional love. %s we#ve discussed countless times, the grace s stem is 1od#s unconditional love for each one of us. When we stop striving and start receiving, it is like allowing 1od to wrap .is enormous arms around us in a never+ ending embrace. -othing we can do or sa or think is going to cause .im to let go. We are loved, period. 1race envelopes. It surrounds us with 1od#s love like a great hug. !ut grace not onl envelopes us, it also envelopes our sin. &he enormit and power of 1od#s loving+kindness engulfs our failings and s2uee,es them out of e*istence. 1race is enormous, and, b comparison, sin is inconse2uential. %nd so when we fall short b choosing a self+condemning, self+inflating, or self+medicating thought, we have one final fail+safe step to enact. We smother our wrong thinking with grace. Daul wrote the $orinthian church sa ing, I care ver little if I am judged b ou or b an human court= indeed, I do not even judge m self." (/ $orinthians ;?9) In other words, Daul was condemnation+proof, and this included self+condemnation.

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So ou grabbed a hold of those old messages about our identit and allowed them to throw ou into a depression. !ig deal. So ou chose to resent the lack of appreciation shown to ou b others. It doesn#t matter. So ou had a horrible thought enter our mind and ou embraced it. Who cares' 3ou are saved b grace and ou live b grace. %s such, ever sinful thought is now nothing more than a poor choice. 0or sin shall not be our master, because ou are not under law, but under grace." (>omans @?/;) 1od has set ou free, and sin is onl our master if ou allow it to be. When we succumb to a sinful thought we have two choices. We can allow the shame of our failing to drive us back to the law c cle where we will tr in our own strength to pa for what we#ve done. Or, we can remain in the grace c cle, chalking up our sin as the natural result of tr ing to live in our own strength. In other words, we can beat ourselves up or we can shrug. &he grace s stem sa s go ahead and shrug. Smother our wrong thoughts with grace. Wrap 1od#s loving+kindness around them so tightl that the disappear. &herefore, there is no condemnation for those who are in $hrist 4esus." (>omans B?/) 8on#t condemn ourself. It is a waste of time and energ . Instead, the ne*t time that thought returns just put it back through the process of grace. $apture it. 0ilter it. >enew it. >elease it. %nd, if ou should fail again, smother it again. %nd, if a pattern of thinking still refuses to leave, seek out new sources of grace, both direct and indirect, to fill our tank to

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overflowing. Dlace ourself into a position for more grace+givers than ou#ve ever e*perienced before, thus allowing the power of 1od#s loving+kindness to overcome our fault thinking. 0or, in the end, there is onl one power to change our thinking, and it isn#t ours. &his is a natural segue from gracing our thoughts to our ne*t topic, gracing our failings, because the voice of self+condemnation pla s a significant role in each. %nd, while the process of gracing our thoughts is helpful for whenever we fall short, gracing our failures involves much more. %s we are about to discover, gracing our failings re2uires us to have a deep understanding of our new identities in $hrist.

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Chapter Ele+en: )race 1o$r %ail$res If ou have made mistakes, even serious mistakes, there is alwa s another chance for ou. %nd supposing ou have tried and failed again and again, ou ma have a fresh start an moment ou choose, for this thing we call failure" is not the falling down, but the sta ing down." +:ar Dickford for though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again," +Droverbs 5;?/@a

3ears ago, while a member of a mission#s organi,ation, m team stopped in a small town to do some work with a homeless shelter. Our assignment was to go into the local park brimming with the homeless and to encourage them to take advantage of the shelter. It was about more than just a free meal and a night off the street. &he shelter placed an emphasis on developing a relationship with 4esus, and that evening there would be a special evangelistic service. %nd so, paired up with a couple of friends, I headed off into the park to see who we might find. It didn#t take long until we found !ob sitting on a park bench, aimlessl watching those who passed b . %fter walking up to him, we introduced ourselves and

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began to chat. .e showed absolutel no signs of mental illness or alcoholism, which can sometimes be the case with the homeless. Instead, !ob seemed like he could be our ne*t door neighbor, albeit one who slept on a park bench and wore dirt clothes. Other than the superficial, there was one thing about !ob that was strikingH ou could sense that he carried a deep sadness. .e never smiled, and his affect gave the impression that he no longer could. 6ooking back with the e es of a counselor, I can see that !ob was profoundl depressed. %s we talked to !ob, we in2uired about his stor . Where was he from' .ow did he get here' What did he think about 1od' !ob was easil engaged. I imagine it had been a long time since an one had noticed him, more or less asked him 2uestions. 8espite his willingness to talk, however, when it came to personal matters, !ob#s answers were alwa s veiled. .e didn#t seem afraid to tell us= he just seemed too ashamed to repeat it. !ut the general impression was that his life had been e*tremel difficult, and that some cloud of failure hung heavil over it. .owever, in contrast to the personal topics, !ob was deepl honest about spiritual things. .e had 2uestions and doubts about 1od, and he was particularl skeptical about an thing $hristian, like the shelter. !ut, as we listened to each of his spiritual misgivings, I gentl repeated one response to him, !ob, what have ou got to lose'" %fter all, sitting on a park bench all da , ever da , was no life. If there was one chance in a million that $hristianit was true,

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and that a new beginning could be waiting for him at that shelter, wh couldn#t he give it a tr ' We assured him that coming to the service that evening would in no wa re2uire an kind of commitment. %s Dhilip did with -athanael in the 1ospel of 4ohn, our approach was simpl , $ome and see." (4ohn 5?;@b) %nd he was clearl thinking about it. .e liked us, and we liked him, and because of the budding relationship, the idea of a new start had managed to push its wa past his defenses. When we parted, !ob wouldn#t promise to attend the service, but he said that he#d consider it. 6ater, as the service time approached, I stood outside looking for !ob. 0or some time he did not show, but then I spotted him. %bout a block+and+a+half awa , he was walking, not towards the shelter but parallel to it. .is head was turned and he was looking in our direction. When I reali,ed it was him, I waved and motioned for him to come over, but he didn#t. .e continued walking, pretending not to have seen me. !ob had been intrigued, but not intrigued enough. Something held him back, and in m opinion, the obstacle was hidden within the silence of his stor . I believe profound failure and its heart+wrenching shame had kept !ob from being willing to pursue a chance at new life. : pra er is that, on some other occasion, the prospect of grace and forgiveness broke through that wall. : fear is that it never did.

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%ail$re and the #aw I believe failure paral ,ed !ob. It prevented him from finding both eternal life in heaven and new life on earth, a double traged . %s $hristians, we commit onl half of the traged . 0ailure has not prevented us from finding eternal life, but far too often it has stopped us from e*periencing new life. It happens like this. &he natural result of failure is shame. %nd, whenever we blow it we want to hide. We accomplish this b disconnecting from others, believing that b punishing ourselves we are pa ing for our mistakes. !ob is a perfect e*ample of one of the most e*treme forms of self+inflicted punishment. .e disconnected from ever one, checking entirel out of mainstream e*istence. %nd, while most of us would never go that far, we do withdrawal, at least temporaril , from those who love us. %fter we fail, we distance ourselves from our friends and famil . &his ma last for hours, da s, months, or, in some cases, even ears. We determine the length of the disconnect based upon the degree of our failure. 6osing our temper ma onl re2uire a few hours of punishment, while more troubling offenses ma necessitate much lengthier withdrawals. :eanwhile, left alone with ourselves, the voice of self+condemnation beats us up unmercifull . I"m such a loser. $o one could lo%e me. &his continues until we perceive that justice has been served, at which point we re+emerge from our self+inflicted e*ile. %ll of this, of course, is nothing but the law. We have fallen short and so we are going to do something about it.

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%lthough we ma not reali,e it, our withdrawal and self+ condemnation are reall nothing more than our own efforts to earn our wa back to acceptance. Dride, not humilit , is actuall the driving motivation. !ut the law never works. %s an one who has failed knows, punishing ourselves doesn#t reall erase the sin or provide lasting relief from the shame. %t random times the realit of our failure returns. We are walking down the street with our spouse and something we see une*pectedl reminds us of our failure. Or, we are talking with a friend and something the sa taps into that ever+ lurking guilt. Instantl we withdrawal emotionall , for now more punishment is re2uired, and our companions are left wondering wh . %s $hristians saved b grace but living b the law, we accept that our sins don#t re2uire eternal punishment, but we continue to believe the re2uire earthl punishment. It is a contradiction that steals our freedom, drains our grace tank, and robs us of life. !ut, ou and I are determined to make a change. With our tanks now filled, we are going to learn how to grace our failures, so that we might reconcile eternal forgiveness and dail forgiveness. % good place to start is to take a 2uick look at two men? one who chose the law+s stem, and one who chose the grace+s stem. A Case !t$dy- 8$das and Peter &wo men failed 4esus. One man betra ed. &he other man denied. 4udas had grown disillusioned. Our best guess is that 4esus

/B<

wasn#t living up to his e*pectations, and in e*change for some cash, 4udas led the 4ewish authorities to 4esus at a time that would avoid an difficult . Worst of all, 4udas pointed out 4esus to the soldiers b giving him a kiss= a sign of friendship had become a signal for capture. I#ve often wondered if 4udas understood that the 4ewish leaders would kill 4esus. : inclination is to think that he did not. !ut, regardless of his intentions, the outcome was clear, 4udas# actions sent 4esus to the cross. 6ater, after he reali,ed what he had done, 4udas was overcome with shame. &he 1ospel of :atthew e*plains? When 4udas, who had betra ed him, saw that 4esus was condemned, he was sei,ed with remorse and returned the thirt silver coins to the chief priests and the elders. LI have sinned,L he said, Lfor I have betra ed innocent blood.L LWhat is that to us'L the replied. L&hatEs our responsibilit .L So 4udas threw the mone into the temple and left. &hen he went awa and hanged himself. (:atthew 5A?9+<) 4udas had done a horrible thing. .e had sinned and betra ed innocent blood. In response, he killed himself. 4udas chose the law. 6ike !ob disconnecting from life, he too picked an e*treme wa of disconnecting, the most e*treme, b permanentl removing himself from the world. %lthough it might seem strange, pride, not humilit , motivated 4udas. 3e determined the conse2uence for his behavior, and he carried it out b his own

/B@

strength. 1od had nothing to do with 4udas# punishment, and 4udas allowed no opportunit for grace. 6ike 4udas, Deter failed too. Deter followed as 4esus, his best friend and teacher, was taken awa to the court ard of the high priest. !ut someone recogni,ed him. In his fear, Deter denied 4esus three times. &hen Deter remembered the word 4esus had spoken? #!efore the cock crows, ou will disown me three times.# %nd he went outside and wept bitterl ." (:atthew 5@?A<) Deter was stricken b his failure, and rightl so, but, in contrast with 4udas, his response left room for grace. 6ater, after the resurrection, we find that Deter is still in the stor , not isolated, but with his friends. &hen, when the angel commands :ar and the other women to tell the disciples that 4esus has risen, he singles out one person. !ut go, tell his disciples and Deter." (:ark /@?Aa) In those words there was a special message for Deter. 1od wanted him to know that failure wasn#t the end, for there was grace. %nd, in response to these miraculous words, filled with loving+kindness, Deter runs to the tomb in search of the risen $hrist. 6ater, the 1ospel of 4ohn concludes with 4esus reinstating Deter. &hree times 4esus asks Deter Simon son of 4ohn, do ou trul love me'" Fach time Deter affirms that he does, and each time 4esus tells him to 0eed m sheep." &he three+peated 2uestion covered each of Deter#s denials, and challenged Deter to remember his identit as the rock upon whom 1od would build .is church. So what does our case stud teach us' It teaches us that

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there are two responses to failure. 6ike 4udas, we can punish ourselves, taking the conse2uences into our own hands, or, like Deter, we can receive 1od#s loving+kindness, and allow grace to re+ connect us to 1od and others. &he first approach ends life. &he second approach gives it. %nd in Deter, we also find something else Hthe two ke s to gracing our failures. &he first is to accept our new identit , which 4esus instilled in Deter b the tri+fold charge to lead the other believers. &he second is to fight to reconnect, which Deter showed us b sta ing in relationship with the other disciples and b seeking out the risen 4esus. It is to those two ke s which we now turn our attention. Accept 1o$r 0ew Identity &he old man called out to the oung bo in the street and in2uired about the turke in the window of the poulterer#s shop. 8o ou know whether the #ve sold the pri,e turke that was hanging up there'H-ot the little pri,e turke , the big one' What, the one as big as me'" returned the bo . What a delightful bo M" said Scrooge. It#s a pleasure to talk to him. 3es, m buckM" It#s hanging there now," replied the bo . Is it'" said Scrooge. 1o and bu it." Walk+FrM" e*claimed the bo . -o, no," said Scrooge. I am in earnest. 1o and bu it,

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and tell# em to bring it here, that I ma give them the directions where to take it. $ome back with the man, and I#ll give ou a shilling. $ome back with him in less than five minutes, and I#ll give ou half a crownM" &he bo was off like a shot.... I#ll send it to !ob $ratchit#s," whispered Scrooge, rubbing his hands and splitting with a laugh.55 Of course, this is from $harles 8ickens# 7 Christmas Carol. Scrooge, having been given a second chance at life following his visit from the three ghosts, has awoken $hristmas morning a changed man. &he penn +pinching Scrooge has been forever replaced with the free+spending Fbenee,er. &he old is gone= the new has come. 6ike Scrooge, there is a change that has taken place in us as the result of 1od#s loving+kindness. &he selfish sinner is now a selfless saint. &herefore, if an one is in $hrist, he is a new creation= the old has gone, the new has comeM" (5 $orinthians <?/A) 8o not lie to each other, since ou have taken off our old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its $reator." ($olossians 9?C+ /G) 0or ou were once darkness, but now ou are light in the 6ord. 6ive as children of light" (Fphesians <?B) In $hrist, we are not who we were= there is a new realit . %ccepting this change is the essential first step to gracing our failures. .ow can the first step to dealing with our sin be

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understanding that we are no longer a sinner, this seems like a complete contradiction' It ma seem that wa , but it is not. 1od isn#t blindH.e knows that we fail. !ut, to .im, our failures are no longer a reflection of our 8.-.%. !efore $hrist, we were a sinner who sinned. %fter $hrist, we are a saint who has sinned. &he first is acting in accordance with their nature= the second is not. When we misunderstand this we push awa the unconditional acceptance necessar to grace our failings. If we think that we have remained a sinner, we believe we are bad and that our sins still need to be paid for. So we punish ourselves, because punishment is warranted. If we accept that we are no longer a sinner but a saint, we understand that although our action was bad, we ourselves are good. In other words, we are still (and alwa s) loved, because the punishment for our sin was alread paid. &he grace that we received at the point of salvation covered both the sins we had committed and the sins we were et to commit. %s such, there is no need for us to withdrawal until we have paid the penalt and are lovable again. When m children tell a lie I t picall give them the same speech. I tell them simpl that, this is not who you are. : goal is to instill in them their new identities in $hrist, so that the can understand that sin doesn#t fit them. &he don#t need to be ashamed. &he don#t need to beat themselves up. &he simpl need to accept that sin doesn#t go with sainthood. 1race has put them in a position of unceasing acceptance, and when the

/CG

remember that, the law c cle loses its power over them. %nd the same is true for all of us. 1racing our failures begins b accepting our new identities. When we sin we first must remember that this is not who we are. Sin is just residue from who we were, but that residue has alread been forgiven. We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as $hrist was raised from the dead through the glor of the 0ather, we too ma live a new life." (>omans @?;) Our new life began when we chose to follow 4esus. We are loved, completel , absolutel . When we accept this realit we can stop wasting our time punishing ourselves for something that has alread been paid for, and instead, get back to living. 3et, in practice, getting back to living can still be hard. &hat is wh gracing our failures has a second step. %i"ht to 6econnect I#ve had a bad week with m famil , particularl with m oldest son. On several occasions I have elled at him, and I mean yelled. It#s a little humbling to be writing a book about grace and then act so ungraciousl , but, I think m poor behavior has had a plus side. Since m sin has coincided with writing this chapter, it has made gracing m failures profoundl relevant. %nd, although I#ve seen it all before, this week has shown me the truth of what I#m writing. %s soon as I blow it, ever part of m being wants to let the shame swallow me. I want to run awa and hide. 3et, this is

/C/

not who I am. I#m not a rage+filled sinner. I am saint who has sinned through rage. Dunishing m self is worthless, for 4esus has alread died on the cross. So, having reminded m self of the truth, I now must walk it out. It is time to go and reconnect. .owever, going to m son and asking for his forgiveness seems like tr ing to walk through 2uicksand. !ut the grace s stem is about obedience, and it does me no good to acknowledge that there is no condemnation and then keep m self in solitar confinement. !esides, withdrawing doesn#t just punish me, it punishes m son too. &herefore, I begin walking down the stairs in order to pull him aside and ask him to forgive me. %nd, thankfull , this is where the power of grace comes in. With each step, 1od#s loving+kindness meets me and keeps me moving forward. In m own strength I would fail. %lone I could never muster the humilit . !ut 1od doesn#t ask me to do it alone. .e onl asks that I fight to take the first step, to move in m son#s direction, and once in motion, the power of grace does the rest. &here are few things in life harder than going be ond our shame and re+engaging with 1od and others after we#ve blown it, for two reasons. 0irst, after failing, our natural tendenc is to return to the law c cle. !ut as we#ve seen, there is no life there, and there never will be. Second, and perhaps far worse, we tend to point others towards the law c cle. 0or instance, when I withdrawal from relationship I show m son that self+punishment

/C5

is the proper response to failure. %nd b doing so, I am actuall teaching him how to be saved b grace but to live b the law. So, in a ver real wa , when I do not grace m failures I fail to share with m bo the full message of grace. !ut, conversel , when I accept m identit and then fight to reconnect, two incredibl positive things happen. 0irst, I re+ engage with m grace+givers. .aving failed, m grace tank has taken a hit, which isolating onl makes far worse. .owever, b reconnecting, I tap back into the tank+filling grace that 1od gives me through relationship with .im and with .is people. %nd if I ever need it, after I fail is the time. Second, when I reconnect, I live out dail +grace. : son, or an one else I reconnect with, sees that failure doesn#t re2uire self+condemnation. Instead, I show them that the grace that saves also has practical relevance for dail life. &here is grace for our failures. %nd it is not onl tomorrow+grace, for salvation. It is also toda +grace, for ever da life. So when we fail, and we will, the process of gracing that failure means accepting our new identit , and fighting to reconnect. &he first defeats the lie that we must be punished for our sins. &he second puts the truth of our new identities into practice. %nd although these two steps aren#t eas , thankfull , b 1od#s grace, the don#t re2uire our power= the re2uire 1od#s. !efore I close this chapter, there is still a bit more to be said about gracing our failures. &here are, in fact, several ver

/C9

special kinds of failures that re2uire specific attention. &he first of these is the failures of our past. )race the %ail$res of 1o$r Past !eth and I met regularl to talk about her struggles. %s we did, one theme kept returningHher sinful past. She loved 4esus, but she had a troubled histor filled with dark sins, and that histor continued to haunt her. %s a result, she struggled to e*perience the fullness of life that $hrist had promised. What was she doing wrong' Wh couldn#t she connect with 1od' &he problem was that she hadn#t allowed grace to cover her past. In some wa s it is easier to grace our present failures than to grace those of our past. &he present situation is still ongoing= the circumstances can be changed. !ut this is rarel ever true of the past. :an people we#ve hurt have moved out of our lives, some we have lost track of, and others have died. &he shame of the unchangeable past can overwhelm us. 3et it doesn#t have to be this wa . %lthough it ma seem strange, our problem with past failures is the same problem we#ve focused on throughout this book. We accept salvation+grace but refuse life+grace. .ow can this be, for if we have chosen to follow 4esus haven#t we asked .im to forgive our past sins' 3es, that is absolutel true. We have asked .im to forgive our past sins, and we believe that .is loving+ kindness will not hold those sins against us when we get to heaven. 7nfortunatel , that is where it ends. We have not allowed 1od#s

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grace to cover our sins in the here and the now. !eth was a $hristian. She had asked 1od to forgive her and .e had. %s it related to heaven, she received that forgiveness. %s it related to earth, she did not. %nd, although she did not reali,e it, !eth was the one withdrawing from 1od= not .e from her. When we live b the law, we believe that our past must continue to affect our present. We disconnect from 1od and others because of old failures, still hoping to pa for what we#ve done. It is no different than me disconnecting from m famil after losing m temper, onl we are disconnecting about something that happened ears ago. %nd the steps for gracing our past failures are no different than those for gracing our present ones. We begin b accepting our new identit . &he %postle Daul#s past was not a prett one. !efore following 4esus, he had persecuted $hristians, even standing b watching as Stephen was killed b an angr mob. 6ooking back on that past, in / &imoth , Daul called himself the worst of sinners." (/ &imoth /?/@) 3et, in Dhilippians, while talking about his desire to full know $hrist, Daul showed that he also had learned to let go of his past. 0orgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the pri,e for which 1od has called me heavenward in $hrist 4esus." (Dhilippians 9?/9b+/;) So how did Daul do it' .e understood his new identit in $hrist. &he grace of our 6ord was poured out on me abundantl , along with the faith and love that are in $hrist 4esus." (/&imoth /?/;)

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&he old Daul was gone. In his place was the new Daul, an %postle and a saint, Daul, an apostle of $hrist 4esus b the will of 1od, and &imoth our brother, &o the church of 1od in $orinth, together with all the saints throughout %chaia." (5 $orinthians /?/) Daul did not continue to condemn himself over his past because he knew who he now was in $hrist, and ever thing he had been before was paid for on the cross. 1race had changed Daul#s identit and cleaned his slate. %nd, if we are going to let go of our past, we need to remember the same thing. !eth was a sinner. I was a sinner. 3ou were a sinner. #Sinner# is our old identit , but not our new one. !eth is now a saint. I am now a saint. 3ou are now a saint. %nd when that change took place ever thing from the old identit died along with it. !ut because of his great love for us, 1od, who is rich in merc , made us alive with $hrist even when we were dead in transgressionsHit is b grace ou have been saved." (Fphesians 5?;+<) 1ood+b e past. .ello life. &he onl thing re2uired of us is accepting the truth. 0orgiving our past failures works the same as forgiving our present ones, b acknowledging our new identities. &hen, after we remember who we are in $hrist, the ne*t step is to once again fight to reconnect. !ut how can we do that when often the people involved have moved out of our lives' &hat is true, but there are other people with whom ou can connect, specificall 1od and .is followers. When !eth beat herself up over her past, she disconnected from 1od and others b pulling

/C@

back from her church communit . So instead of running to get her grace tank filled, she ran awa , ensuring that it would remain empt . We all do the same thing. Our failures rise up in our minds and so we withdrawal at the ver moment when we need to engage. Whenever our past sins return, we must first remember our new identities, and then fight to reconnect. Dra . $all a trusted friend. 1o to a small group. 8on#t hide. 3ou#ve got a grace+killer rearing its ugl head= ou need more grace not less. Fver one has skeletons in their closets. %nd, from time to time, those skeletons tr to poke their heads out, reminding us that the are still there. !ut, remember, the are skeletons for a reason. When we became followers of $hrist, our past died. 1od has accepted this truth. We are the onl ones who have not. Instead, we allow the shame of the past to push us back to the law, to disengage us from relationships, and to rob us of the fullness of life. Sadl , we are like a man locked in a prison cell who doesn#t reali,e that the door is unlocked. 1race has freed ou, so open the door. 1race our present failures, and grace our past failures, b accepting our new identit and fighting to reconnect. )race 1o$r Pse$do-%ail$res %s a high school freshman I enrolled in weight+training class, and I was nervous. &all and lank , I was particularl concerned about looking like a weakling in front of m classmates, man of whom were upper+classmen. : fears were also

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compounded b the teacher. .e was the varsit football coach, and I never saw him smile, ever. &he first da , however, went better than I e*pected. I had a friend in the class who became m partner, and he helped to lessen m an*iet b knowing his wa around the weight room. !ut the second da was m worst nightmare. I#d had g m class before, of course, and in the past I would bring a set of clothes and use them for weeks before getting new ones. .owever, this was weight+training, and let#s just sa the effort of the first class had been enough to give m clothes a rather unpleasant aroma. When I opened up m locker the stench was overpowering, and ever one around me had a snide remark. Internall , I tried to assess the situation. I could wear the clothes and smell like a mule, or I could fail to dress for class and get in trouble. 8esperate, m mind turned to a last ditch solutionHthe lost and found bin. -o success there, for nothing fit. What was I going to do' If I had been older I would have chosen not to dress, but as a freshman I was terrified of getting in trouble. So, pretending to laugh it off, I put on the putrid clothing. %s we stood in line for attendance, ever one around me was holding their noses. &he word embarrassed didn#t do it justice. &hen, as $oach moved down the line checking off names, he stood in front of me. What is that horrible smell'" he asked. .im," ever one replied. &he coach gave me a blank look and a slight shake of the head. I wanted to die. -eedless to sa , I brought a new set of g m clothes

/CB

ever da from then on out. In our lives, we all have things which don#t 2ualif as failures b 1od#s standard, but do b our own. We do something embarrassing. We sa something foolish. We don#t meet an e*pectation. &here are countless possibilities, and just like genuine moral failures, these pseudo+failures can haunt us throughout our lives. %t random times the g m clothes incident, or one of a few hundred other mistakes I#ve made over the ears, comes to m mind and fills me with shame. %nd, in the same wa real failures can rob us of abundant life, these pseudo+failures can too. When these mistakes return, m inclination is to collapse inwardl and disconnect from the present. !ut, thankfull , there is also grace for these failures." 3ou and I can let go of our pseudo+failures in the same wa we did our real failures, b gracing them. In the case of pseudo+failures, we probabl aren#t thinking of ourselves as sinners, but we are probabl thinking of ourselves as idiots. So we begin to grace our pseudo+failures b accepting our new identities. Fven if what we did reall was foolish, that isn#t who we are. We aren#t fools. We are saints who did a foolish thing, that#s all. We are loved unconditionall and nothing will change that, not even the stupidest mistakes. %fter embracing that truth the ne*t thing we must do is fight to reconnect. &his mistake has been given power over us for far too long. It is time to stop allowing it to affect us. We can do this b sta ing present in the present, and not

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withdrawing from those around us. 4ust as with genuine failures, when we are reminded of these pseudo+failures we must move toward 1od and others, not awa from them. In our own strength we can#t do this, but the grace s stem doesn#t operate b our own strength. Whenever our pseudo+failures haunt us, our job is to simpl take that first step in the direction of our relationships. 1race will do the rest. Fver one does foolish things. !ig deal. We aren#t perfect. 1ive ourselves some grace= 1od does. 0ailures, real or imagined, hold no power in the grace s stem. !ut wait. !efore we close this part of the discussion, there is still one more categor of failures that re2uires our attention. 6ike pseudo+failures, this kind of failure is also imagined, not b us but b others. &he are non+ failures, other people#s false opinions that we#ve failed. %nd, despite the fact that these failures aren#t real, we can often choose to embrace them, doing ourselves great harm. )race 1o$r 0on-%ail$res In a vulnerable moment the deep pain that ruled her came to the surface. I#ve failed ever one," she said. I#ve failed m mother, m father, m sister...ever one." What horrible sin had she committed that let down all of these people' -othing. %bsolutel nothing. &he problem wasn#t her at all. It was the internali,ed voice of a harsh mother. Dut nicel , her mother was mean. Dut honestl , her mother was abusive. %nd growing up, the daughter

5GG

couldn#t do an thing right. &he smallest mistake, the smallest disagreement, and the mother would punish her, severel . %s a result, the daughter grew into a woman whose personali,ed+law said, $othing you do is e%er good enough. /ou are a failure. %nd she believed it, deepl . $onse2uentl , an action on her part that was less than perfect was, in her mind, a failure. 6et#s be honest, all of us have some haunting failures that are reall not failures at all. 6ike the woman who internali,ed her mother#s hurtful criticism, at some point, nearl ever one comes to accept some things as failures that are reall nothing more than other people#s unmet e*pectations. Others e*pect us to be perfect. !eing imperfect is not a failure. Others e*pect us to agree with them. 8isagreeing is not a failure. Others e*pect us to look a certain wa . Our appearance is not a failure. 0or me, the most painful e*ample I have ever seen was a bo in a wheel chair d ing of 6ou 1ehrig#s disease. &he other children refused to pla with him. Others e*pect us to be normal." .aving health problems is not a failure. %nd, although we might know that these things are not our fault, the issue isn#t with our minds but with our hearts. 8eep down inside we have accepted these false failures as real failures. !ut now is the time to let the truth prevail. &he book of Droverbs sa s, 6ike a fluttering sparrow or a darting swallow, an undeserved curse does not come to rest." (Droverbs 5@?5) In other words, the cruelness of others should not find a home inside of us. So what

5G/

do we do with the curses that ha%e found a home' We need to grace them. %nd, just as with the other kinds of failures, the process of gracing non+failures remains the same. &here is a remarkable stor in the 1ospels that often gets overlooked. % woman, who had been bleeding for twelve ears, snuck up on 4esus in a crowd, touched the edge of .is clothes, and found relief from her illness. !ut, the interesting part of the stor is that when 4esus reali,ed what happened .e insisted on finding her. 3ou see the people crowding against ou," his disciples answered, and et ou can ask, #Who touched me'#" (:ark <?9/) 3et 4esus is undeterred. .e will not go on until she is found. &hen the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth." (:ark <?99) What was she so afraid of ' She was afraid of the personali,ed+law. In 4ewish culture blood made ou unclean, banning ou from participating in the communit #s religious life. Fven worse, an one who came in contact with ou would also be e*cluded. &hese rules were found in 6eviticus, but ostraci,ing someone was not 1od#s intention. .owever, the Dharisees had embellished the law and, as such, this woman would have been shunned b the communit . Dut another wa , other people#s e*pectations had dismissed her as a failure. !ut it wasn#t her fault. She hadn#t reall done an thing wrong= being sick is not a failure. 3et it didn#t matter, she was living as if she should be e*cluded, and 4esus was determined to do

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something about it. %fter she tells 4esus the whole stor , .e sa s to her, 8aughter, our faith has healed ou. 1o in peace and be freed from our suffering." (:ark <?9;) 1reat, but wh this big episode in front of the crowd' &hat was the last thing she wanted. %nd besides, her faith had alread healed her, about five minutes before. 4esus didn#t need to pronounce her healing to ever one just to make it so. 3et, 4esus never wastes an action. %nd .e made this pronouncement in the middle of the whole crowd for a reason, an important oneHso that she could stop hiding. -ow ever one in town would know that she was clean. Deople would no longer shun her, and she would no longer feel like she needed to hide. In this episode, 4esus did more than just heal her bod . .e also helped her to grace her non+failure. 6et#s take another look at what happened. 0irst, the woman felt like a failure due to something that was not her fault. !ut, b faith, she found a new identit . She believed in 4esus, and, as such, she was healed. 3et for her that truth was not enough. 8espite knowing what happened, she snuck awa , afraid of the communit . 4esus, however, would have nothing of it. .e stopped ever thing to make sure that she re+engaged. Once again, this is nothing more than our two+step process for gracing our failures. ! faith, we accept our new identit . We are not a failure= we are a beloved saint. %nd second, with 4esus# help, we stop hiding and start connecting. &here is life to be lived, and this life re2uires others. We cannot allow non+failures to paral ,e us. >egardless of

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what an one might think, these failures are not real, and so we must not live as if the are. Our lives are filled with all kinds of failures, some are genuine and some are not. 3et, regardless of what categor the fall into, there is enough grace for all of them, if onl we will receive it. &he great traged of our failures is not that we have made mistakes, but rather that we allow those mistakes to paral ,e us. %s $hristians, 1od isn#t holding on to our failures, onl we are. So isn#t it about time that we let them go' It is time to grace our failures? the real failures, the pseudo+failures, and the non+failures. It is time to leave behind the law and embrace grace. -ow we need to transition, and I have strange news for ou. &he ne*t chapter is on failure too. Wait, before ou revolt on me, it isn#t at all about the same thing. Instead of the failures we have committed, the ne*t chapter is on the failures that we could commit, which, if left ungraced, can severel hinder both our lives and our spiritual growth. It#s a big deal, and that#s wh 1od has 2uite a lot to sa about it. So keep reading, and ou#ll discover how to grace your performance.

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Chapter Twel+e: )race 1o$r Performance If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badl ." +1. K. $hesterton !ut b the grace of 1od I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. -o, I worked harder than all of them et not I, but the grace of 1od that was with me." +/ $orinthians /<?/G

I have, adorning m office walls, about a do,en or so pictures that m children have colored for me. &here are pictures of animals, people, and even Smurfs. When ou walk in, ou can#t help but to notice them, and ou also can#t help but to notice the differences in their workmanship. Some pages are ver carefull done, with all of the proper colors. Other pages have wild scribbling, with unnatural colors. If ou give it a moment#s e*amination ou#ll see wh Hthe pages are colored b children of different ages and abilities. : kids are three, si*, and eight. Obviousl , a three+ ear+old has a much more difficult time sta ing in the lines than does an eight+ ear+old. !ut there is more to it than just age. : si*+ ear+old is a budding artist. It is clearl one of his gifts. .e is alwa s drawing and creating. :eanwhile, m eight+ ear+old is more of a problem+solver. .e spends more time

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building than drawing. So, despite being ounger, m si*+ ear+old#s pictures show a bit more care and attention than the eight+ ear+ old#s. Would it be fair then to compare them' That little girl doesn"t measure up to the others. (ook at that shoddy work. I"%e ne%er seen a pink and purple cat' ha%e you0 7nd doesn"t she know that you are supposed to stay in the lines0 I guess she just doesn"t ha%e a future in art. Such a comparison would be ridiculous, of course. She is at a totall different developmental stage than her older brothers. !ut what about a comparison between the bo s, would that be fair' That older son just doesn"t ha%e it. 6hy didn"t he color in all of the hair0 3e"s eight +ut his younger +rother does a +etter jo+ of staying in the lines. I think the older one should stay away from art too. 8on#t ou see' &hat isn#t fair either. : bo s have different giftings= 1od made them that wa . %nd just because m older son#s art isn#t as good" it doesn#t mean it is less valuable, or that he should give it up. If the pictures on m wall were part of a competition we would pit each piece against the others and pass judgment. &here would be one winning artist and two losing artists. %nd that#s the wa the world works. !ut this isn#t the world, and it isn#t a competition. &his is the artwork on the office walls of a loving father. &o him, each of the pictures are wonderful, and each of the artists are fantastic. I would never dream of measuring them against one another. &he are, in and of themselves, incomparable. Some are from m little girl, some are from m little bo , and some

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are from m big bo , and that is what gives them their value. %s for their differences, I notice them, but m evaluation takes into account their differing developments and giftings. %nd I would never judge them. Instead, I would simpl decide if the have done their best based upon who the are and where the are at. &his world, however, runs b the law s stem, and as such, ever thing is a competition. &here is one best, and lots of not+ good+enoughs. 7nder the law, we all fit into one of the these two categories, and, either wa , it causes us problems. &hose who aren#t good enough pull back, afraid of being judged. &hose who are good enough must keep measuring up, afraid of losing the praise. !ut 1od isn#t operating b the law. .is s stem is grace, and in the grace s stem there is no comparison. Fach of us is loved unconditionall , just for who we are. %nd this makes each of our performances like the artwork on m wall. Fver thing we do has value simpl because we did it. If our work needs evaluation, the onl criteria is whether or not we did our best. In the last chapter we talked about failure. In this chapter we are going to talk about performance. &he two have an e*tremel close relationship. 7nder the law s stem, our performance is ruled b the fear of failure. We haven#t failed et, but we are afraid that we will, and one of two things results. We either become a hider or an achiever. &hose whose artwork doesn#t measure up become hiders. &hose whose artwork does become achievers. %nd, although the two seem vastl different, the

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underl ing motivation is the sameHfear. !ut 1od wants all of this fear to end. .e isn#t pitting us against each other. %ll .e asks is that we do our best, for .e is a loving 0ather. If we are going to begin living b the grace s stem we need a new view of performance. It is time to let go of the hiding and the achieving, and instead evaluate our results onl b our effort. !id I do my +est0 shall forever replace, !id I measure up0 &his will re2uire that we take a look at both hiders and achievers, but as we do, keep in mind that sometimes we are hiders and at other times we are achievers. So, as ou read on, tr to evaluate when and where ou are one or the other. &hen, I pra grace our performance. /idin" %rom %ail$re When I was five+ ears+old I began pla ing soccer. I pla ed two seasons a ear for the ne*t ten ears. 3ou would think that in all of that time I would have scored 2uite a few goals. 3ou would think so, but ou would be wrong. In twent seasons of soccer, I scored less than half a do,en. Was I a terrible pla er' -o, I was above average. 8id I never get an opportunit to score' -o, I had plent of opportunities. So what was the problem' &he problem was fear. I was afraid to fail, and so I didn#t take chances. If I got close to the goal one of two things would happen. I would either tr to pass, so someone else would have the responsibilit . Or, I ou will be better e2uipped to find the loving+kindness necessar to learn how to

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would get so nervous when I shot that I didn#t come close. 6ooking back, I can see it clearl HI pla ed soccer the same wa I did ever thing else in m life, b the law. %nd, since I was never the best, I became a hider to avoid the shame of failure. Some hiders don#t participate at all. 0earing that the will never measure up, the insulate themselves from life. !ob, the homeless man I told ou about in the last chapter, would be one such hider. .e eliminated all responsibilit so that he would never again fail at an thing. !ut most hiders reali,e the can#t do this. &he know that the must have relationships so the join the sports team. &he know that the must have an education so the go to school. &he know that the must have mone and so the head off to work each da . 3et these hiders still make sure that the get lost in the middle of the pack. &heir performance goal is not to win, but to be average so the won#t be singled out. 0or those who are singled out are criti2ued and critici,ed. In other words, anon mit is the hider#s friend. 0or all hiders it starts with the sting of perform or else. Somewhere along the wa the tried their best. In return the received patroni,ing comments and snide remarks, and it hurt, badl . So the 2uickl learned a coping strateg . 0ind the middle. Dla it safe. 8on#t take chances. 0l below the radar. Onl the leaders get evaluated= the followers just get dismissed, and that is just what the hiders are looking for. It is a clever approach for dealing with the law. Side+step the judgment and ou avoid the

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hurt. !ut there is onl one problem, and it is a big one. .iders miss out on the fullness of life. -ot taking chances ma seem inconse2uential, but it is not. 6ife re2uires risk. &here is no adventure in the middle. -o reward for pla ing it safe. If ou don#t take chances ou don#t get results. 0l ing below the radar keeps ou from soaring to great heights. %nd 1od wants ou to soar, for our sake and for the sake of .is kingdom. 4esus tells a parable about hiders. It is about a man who went on a journe , but before leaving he entrusted his mone to the care of his servants. &o one he gave five talents of mone , to another two talents, and to another one talent, each according to his abilit . &hen he went on his journe ." (:atthew 5<?/<) 6ater, the man came home, and he wanted to see what kind of returns were made on his principle. &he servant who had been given five talents had double the mone . Well done, well done," the man replied. &he servant who had been given two talents had also doubled the mone . Well done, well done," repeated the man. !ut the final servant simpl returned the original amount. :aster," he said, I knew that ou are a hard man, harvesting where ou have not sown and gathering where ou have not scattered seed. So I was afraid and went out and hid our talent in the ground. See here is what belongs to ou." (:atthew 5<?5;+5<) 3et pla ing it save did not please the man, 3ou wicked, la, servantM So ou knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed' Well then, ou should have

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put m mone on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest." (:atthew 5<?5@+5A) &he servant who received one talent was a hider. %fraid of failing, he pla ed it safe and buried the mone in the ground. &he man who passed out the mone was 1od, and .e had no praise for safet . .is intention was that the mone should earn a return, regardless of the risk. &he word talent used in the stor refers to a measured weight of gold or silver, and it e2uated to an enormous sum. !ut the striking parallel with the Fnglish word for talent also fits perfectl with the point of the parable. 1od has invested in ever one of us. .e has given us all gifts and skills. It is true that .e has distributed them unevenl , but that is not the point, even one talent holds a gigantic value. So, regardless of how much .e has given us, 1od wants it multiplied. Wh ' !ecause this isn#t about us= it is about .is kingdom, and .e wants his kingdom moving forward, not standing still. In 1od#s econom , breaking even is not breaking even. It is taking a loss. I think the one talent man#s real problem was the law. .e said that he was afraid of his master, a sure sign of the law s stem. !ut what if he had loved his master instead' 6ove would have driven him to do whatever he could for the master#s happiness, even risking failure. 6ike the one talent man, man of us are living b the law and it has turned us into hiders. Our fear has caused us to pla it safe, but what we don#t reali,e is that we need not be

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afraid. %s $hristians, we are not under law= we are under grace, and grace frees us from fear. So it is time to switch s stems. It is time to grace our performance, and for hiders this means switching over to 1od#s definition of success. !$ccess by )od*s Definition In 5GG/, Stanle .auerwas, Drofessor of &heological Fthics at 8uke 8ivinit School, was named b &ime :aga,ine as the !est &heologian." .is response, then and now, is to sa , Best is not a theological categor ." %nd, of course, he is right. Best is a term for the law s stem. It is a word based on rank and achievement, but, under grace, rank and achievement are obsolete. With the grace s stem, we are no longer competing, no longer tr ing to climb to the top. If an thing, we are tr ing to make our wa to the bottom. Sitting down, 4esus called the &welve and said, #If an one wants to be first, he must be the ver last, and the servant of all.#" (:ark C?9<) When 4esus came, .e blew up all of our preconceptions about success. 1race has changed ever thing. So what, e*actl , is 1od#s definition of success' It is faithfulness. It is obe ing. It is doing the best ou can based on who ou are and where ou are at. 6et me illustrate. I have a friend who has a number of serious medical challenges, and as a conse2uence, has enormous difficult sleeping. One da , as we were sitting in m office, he told me how unsuccessful he felt. With his health issues, he couldn#t work, and, with his sleep issues,

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he often couldn#t find the energ to even leave the house. :oreover, spirituall he felt like he wasn#t contributing an thing to the !od of $hrist. 3ears ago he had taught Sunda School, but now he couldn#t get out of bed in time to attend. %s he spoke, he repeatedl compared himself to others who, he felt, were so much more successful. : response to him was to correct his idea of success. I e*plained that under the grace s stem there is no comparing. .e ," I said, 1od is not measuring ou against them. .ow could .e' &he don#t have the health problems ou have. &he haven#t been through the struggles ou have." When we compare, it does nothing but tap into the shame and condemnation of the law s stem. We look at others to tr and determine if we are good enough, and the problem is that we will alwa s find someone better. &his has absolutel no place in the grace s stem. Instead, we need onl to look at ourselves. &he ke 2uestion is, What would 1od have me to do ne*t'" If ou do that thing, to the best of our abilit , ou are successful. %s m friend and I continued to talk, I asked him what he thought 1od would have him do. What is a step you can take to grow'" %fter thinking about it, he believed that he could start coming to Sunda School. %nd so we agreed, getting up for Sunda School was his ne*t step of obedience, and that was the measure of his success. &he ne*t Sunda I walked into church, and there, blurr +e ed but smiling, stood m friend. It had been a

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struggle, but .e made it. &wo ears later, he is still making it. If ou compare attending Sunda School with the spiritual accomplishments of !ill 1raham, m friend hasn#t accomplished ver much. !ut if ou leave behind the law s stem and stop comparing, m friend has accomplished a great deal. .e is a success because he is doing his best based on who he is and where he is at. So are there weeks when he doesn#t make it to Sunda School' 3es, but remember, this is the grace s stem. When he doesn#t make it there is no condemnation. Instead, all he has to do is simpl tr again the ne*t week. >ight now, m life is a living testimon to 1od#s definition of success. I have the time to write this book because of a failed attempt to start a new church. %lmost two ears ago, m famil and I moved to central Ohio with hopes of beginning this new ministr . I tried ever thing I could to pull together a core group of people, but nothing worked. 0inanciall , the ministr has e*hausted all of its funding and our life savings has taken a serious hit. So have I failed' It depends upon the definition ou use. 7nder the law s stem I certainl have. &he goal was to start a new church, and there is no new church. I didn#t make it. I haven#t measured up. I have failed. It is a line of reasoning that ends in condemnation. 6hat did I do wrong0 6hy am I such a failure0 !ut that isn#t the onl wa of looking at it. 8id I obe 1od' 3es, I did. .ave I done m best based upon m abilities and m resources' 3es, I have. %nd if those are the criteria, I have not

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failed at all, even though there is no new church. Interestingl , when I hold onto the right perspective, choosing the grace s stem over the law s stem, I begin to discover that I have done more than just not fail. 6ittle b little, I see all of the things that have been accomplished. $ountless new relationships have been developed. -umerous people have grown closer to 1od. -ew resources have been developed. : cit has been served. %nd, of course, this book is being written. %ll of these things happened because I obe ed. &he law s stem, with its rigid definition of success, overlooks ever thing but the end result. !ut the grace s stem opens us up to the big picture. &he law, with its judgment, is so narrow. 1race, however, is so broad, and life+giving. 6ook in the pages of Scripture and what ou#ll find is that obedience and faithfulness define success. %nd this is love? that we walk in obedience to his commands." (5 4ohn /?@a) We are called to obe , and no mention is made of the outcome. &herefore put on the full armor of 1od, so that when the da of evil comes, ou ma be able to stand our ground, and after ou have done ever thing, to stand." (Fphesians @?/9) In Daul#s famous passage about the armor of 1od, he uses the word stand four times. &he implication is that, when all is said and done, success occurs if we are still on our feet, if we remain faithful. &o him who overcomes and does m will to the end, I will give authorit over the nationsH" (>evelation 5?5@) Fight times >evelation talks about the overcomers. &he word means con2uerors. %nd there is

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onl one criteria for these con2uerorsHfaithfulness until the end. Dlease hear this, 1od is not looking for achievers. &he greatest thing about 1od#s definition of success is that it destro s fear. %s a oung soccer pla er I was afraid to take the shot out of the fear that I would be unsuccessful. !ut, if m definition of success changes from making the shot to taking the shot, I no longer need to be afraid. I can take a shot, and, free from pressure, I#ll make it m best one. When we leave behind perform or else we find freedom. .iders need no longer hide, because there is no longer an thing to hide from. 7nder the grace s stem, our performance isn#t based on the outcome. -o longer ruled b fear, hiders can become thrivers, engaging in life, living abundantl . 1. K. $hesterton said, If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badl ." It could be a motto for the grace s stem. If badl is the best ou can do it, then go ahead. 8o ou like to paint, but aren#t sure ou are ver good' Who cares. Stop hiding and start painting. 8o ou write poems, but ou won#t let an one read them' 1et them out of that bo* under our bed and shout them out the windows. 8o ou enjo singing, but are afraid people will laugh' 6et them laugh, for our 1od is proud of ou. If we will leave behind the law s stem and grace our performance, we become people unafraid to take risks. %nd not just in our hobbies and interests, but also for the kingdom. -o longer afraid to fail, we put our talents to work for 1od, and stop bur ing them in the sand. If ou weren#t afraid to fail, what

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risk would ou take for 1od' Well, what#s stopping ou' 1od isn#t concerned about the outcome, but onl with our heart. 1racing our performance means leaving behind the law#s definition of success. 1od is not comparing ou. %nd .e isn#t asking that ou make it to the top, reach all our time lines, or score the goal. .e is asking ou to obe and to be faithful= two things that an one can do. &he grace s stem isn#t just for superstars. In fact, it is 2uite the opposite. %nd this truth allows all of us hiders to step out from the pack, to take risks, and to simpl tr our best. 3et not all of us are hiders. Some of us have taken a different approach. .aving been praised for our performances, we have become achievers, constantl striving to push our wa to the front. &his is also a law mindset, and it too is actuall motivated b fear. So, if we are committed to grace, this view of performance must also go. Dri+en by %ail$re She came to me through the referral of a woman in the church. Fighteen+ ears+old and a senior in high school, she was nearing a melt+down. Fver night she studied until after eleven. Fver morning she got up for swim practice before si*. In the afternoons she left the high school and went to a local college so she could earn advanced credits. She was pushing herself so hard she was literall making herself sick. When I first met her it took about fifteen minutes to diagnose the problem. &he oung girl was

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all law. She had to achieve. She had to be the best, at ever thing. %n thing less than number one was a let down, and it was killing her. !ut it was her motivation that was reall telling. .er father was h per+critical. -othing she ever did was good enough for him. %lthough onl eighteen, she had alread internali,ed his harsh voice, and accepted his uncompromising standard. Perform or else had become her creed. It was a traged . : counseling approach was simpleHgrace. I tried m best to help her switch s stems, but it was no use. She wasn#t a $hristian, and she couldn#t conceptuali,e unconditional acceptance. So I tried to simpl be a grace+giver, a voice of kindness in her life. &his she appreciated, I think, but her bus schedule didn#t allow for an thing so unproductive. %fter a few sessions she disappeared. >ight now she is probabl off at college, getting straight %#s, and d ing on the inside. : pra er is that 1od#s loving+kindness will get a hold of her, and free her from the need to achieve. Whenever I think of an achiever I think of that oung woman. She was the embodiment of the second effect that the law can have on our performance. Some people, afraid of the harsh criticism of not measuring up, hide their gifts and talents. Others, like her, push themselves incessantl , hoping to win praise because of them. It works too, just so long as ou don#t get a glimpse of the inside. 0or, despite all the trophies on the mantel, beneath the surface the are a wreck. !ut wh ' %fter all, isn#t this what it#s all about, being successful' -o, what it is all about is being loved, and

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achievers onl feel loved if the can sta on top. 0irst place e2uals worth. Second place e2uals worthless. It is a frightening wa to live= alwa s just one miss+step awa from emotional disaster. %nd it is this fear of failure that drives them. In a high school the achievers are eas to spot= the are on the honor roll, on all the sports teams, and in all the clubs. !ut what about later when the #ve grown a bit older' 3ou can spot an achiever b their schedules and to+do lists. Whether climbing the corporate ladder or sta ing at home with the kids, achievers alwa s have something the must get done. &he are running a compan , running a famil , running the D.&.%., and running the 1irl Scout troop. &he are running to a meeting, running to pick up the kids, running to the store, and running through the house. &he are alwa s, alwa s running. &heir lives are marked b overcommitment. 3et, the worst part is, the appear to be handling it all prett well. %chievers are talented, and the can accomplish a lot, and the can look good doing it. &his is the worst part because it keeps feeding the s stem. Deople admire achievers, and so their frantic, driven lifest le appears to be working for them. !ut don#t be deceived, deep down achievers are burned+out and resentful human beings. &here was an achiever in 4esus# life, and her name was :artha. One da 4esus and his disciples enter :artha#s village, and, being good at hospitalit , she invites them all over for dinner. When 4esus takes her up on the offer, :artha immediatel gets to

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work. !ut :artha#s sister :ar doesn#t help. :ore than a little miffed, :artha comes to 4esus and complains, 6ord, don#t ou care that m sister has left me to do the work b m self ' &ell her to help meM" .er complaint seems like a good one, after all she is being responsible and :ar isn#t. !ut, much to her disma , 4esus sees things differentl . #:artha, :artha,# the 6ord answered, # ou are worried and upset about man things, but onl one thing is needed. :ar has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken awa from her.#" (6uke /G?;G+;5) 3ou can tell if ou are an achiever if ou read this stor and side with :artha over 4esus. %fter all, the dinner reall does have to be prepared. 3et, as alwa s, 4esus strikes at the heart of the issue. :artha#s problem, .e sa s, is that she has missed what is better. %nd what#s more important than dut ' 1race. :ar is sitting at 4esus# feet. She has chosen life+giving connection with 4esus over a to+do list. It isn#t irresponsibilit . It is priorit . !ut :artha, the achiever, driven b the law, can#t see this. &o her, the list is all there is. .ere is the worst flaw in the achiever#s s stem= all of their doing leaves no room for filling their grace tank. %s a result, the lives of these gifted, successful people are marked with all of the negative effects of the law. 6ord, tell m la, sister to get up and get to work." Words of bitterness and resentment. &here is nothing wrong with achievement, and there is nothing wrong with being talented. %s we#ve seen, grace wants us to do our best. !ut the problem with the achievers is that the are

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doing their best for the wrong reason, and this never works. 8riven b fear of failure, achievers are in a graceless pursuit of acceptance. 0or them, performance is the ke to self+worth, and the push themselves and push themselves, not onl towards e*cellence, but towards winning. &his has never worked, and never will. %ll it gets the achiever is an empt grace tank and another spin on the hamster#s wheel, alwa s running and never arriving. Instead, the achiever needs to learn to grace their performance. While for hiders this means redefining success, for achievers it means putting first things first. %nd, as we are about to see, the first thing is grace. P$ttin" %irst Thin"s %irst In college I was the classic achiever, driven to succeed out of a fear of failure. %nd I did well, but there was a price. When m friends were out having fun I was stud ing. One friend still makes fun of the night I turned down his offer to go out. I have to stud ," I told him. It was 0rida nightM %t the time I was sure that I had m priorities in order. $ollege was about academic success and I was putting in the hard work to make it happen. !ut looking back I have a different perspective. 0ifteen ears removed from college, m loft 1.D.%. has been of ver little value to me. Instead, I wish that I had invested more time in m relationships. &ime has caused me to reevaluate m original priorities. &oda I reali,e that college was about more than just getting to the top of

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m class. : academic drive is a classic e*ample of the mistake achievers makeHputting accomplishments before grace. %ccomplishments are good, but grace is better. %nd for an achiever this is so hard to see. !linded b their need to find their self+worth through success, achievers overlook the grace+givers, leaving their tanks bone dr . >emember :artha. She was so bus basting the turke that she missed out on the Son of 1od sitting in her living room. &he to+do list got marked off but the chance of a lifetime got missed. &he problem is that sitting at 4esus# feet doesn#t get an thing done. It isn#t tangible. 3ou don#t get an points, or an praise. %nd this is wh achievers put tasks first. &asks can be completed and completion e2uals success and success e2uals personal worth. 6ook again at the grace+givers. What does rest accomplish' Or communit ' Or forgiveness' -ot much from a get it done" perspective. So, even when achievers do engage the grace+givers, the have a hard time understanding their real value. %n achiever#s 2uiet time, for instance, is usuall viewed more as a dut than a chance for nourishment. Worship is more about something the do each Sunda than a chance to refuel. In order to grace their performance, achievers need to make a change. &he need to re+evaluate their priorities. %s 4esus told :artha, :ar has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken awa from her." In 1od#s econom grace is more valuable than tasksHalwa sM

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When his wife :uriel was diagnosed with %l,heimerEs, >obertson :cJuilkin, Dresident of $olumbia International 7niversit , faced a difficult choice. So began ears of struggle with the 2uestion of what should be sacrificed? ministr or caring for :uriel," :cJuilkin wrote. Should I put the kingdom of 1od first...(and) arrange for institutionali,ation' &rusted, lifelong friends Hwise and godl Hurged me to do this."59 !ut :cJuilkin couldn#t bring himself to leave :uriel into the empt care of those who did not love her. When he finall decided to resign from the Dresidenc , one friend made a last ditch plea to change his mind. She doesn#t even know who ou are," he declared. !ut I know who she is," >obertson replied.5; &here are lots of lessons to be found in >obertson :cJuilkin#s choice, but one of them is the priorit of grace. %nd when we hear this stor , in our hearts, we know it to be true. -o matter how great the tasks that could have been done, :cJuilkin#s choice to put love first tops them all. When prompted for the greatest commandment 4esus replied 6ove 1od," but .e made sure to add a second, 6ove our neighbor as ourself." %nd, ama,ingl , .e called the second like the first. (:atthew 55?9B+9C) 6ater, 4esus again spoke on the supremac of love. : command is this? 6ove each other as I have loved ou. 1reater love has no+one than this, that he la down his life for his friends." (4ohn /<?/5+/9) &hen, 4esus lived out .is words b d ing for us on the cross. !ut 1od demonstrates his own love for us in this? While we were still sinners, $hrist died for

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us." (>omans <?B) &ime and again, 4esus made it clear that loving+ kindness, grace, has top priorit in 1od#s kingdom. 3et of all the wa s in which 4esus demonstrated the priorit of grace one wa ma speak to achievers better than an otherHthe time .e set aside in .is schedule to love some little children. In 4esus# da children were not viewed with dripping affection as the are now. 6ife was hard, and children didn#t contribute, but instead re2uired more work. Darents loved their children, of course, but societ as a whole assigned them little to no value. So when some moms and dads got the idea of bringing their children to 4esus for a blessing, the disciples, in keeping with social convention, tried to keep them from bothering 4esus with such trivialities. 8esus has more important things to do, the thought, and so the were going to help .im to keep first things first. !ut 4esus# first things were different than the disciples first things. When 4esus saw this, he was indignant. .e said to them, #6et the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of 1od belongs to such as these.#" (:ark /G?/;) &hen 4esus scooped up the children and blessed them, and in so doing showed achievers ever where that there is alwa s time for grace. 0or most achievers their entire lives have been consumed b the drive to succeed, to go and get things done. If the perform well the will receive praise, and receiving praise fills their self+ worth. !ut it#s a false fuel that doesn#t last. %chievers must continuall win or face the horror of an empt tank. What

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achievers need is grace. Specificall , the need to grace their performance, learning that success or failure are irrelevant in the grace s stem. 3et, achievers face a uni2ue obstacle in gracing their performance, for their bus ness keeps them from life+giving nourishment. So achievers must make a change. &he must re+ prioriti,e. &asks and to+do lists are fine things, but the just aren#t first things. 1race+givers are first things. 1race+givers are always first things. &his is how 1od made it. %nd when achievers can match their values up with 1od#s realit the will begin to discover that the no longer need to be achievers. Slow down. 1et some rest. &alk with a friend. Spend time pra ing. &hese are grace+givers. &he ma not get an thing off our list, but the will do something far betterHbring ou life. -o amount of achievement will bring ou self+worth, onl grace can do that. So make time for grace. >eceive grace. 1ive grace. Set down our agenda and be filled with loving+kindness. If ou do, ou#ll soon leave behind that fear of failure. .iding and achieving, two different approaches to the fear of failure. &he first keeps ou bur ing our talents in the ground. &he second keeps ou running ourself ragged. !ut thankfull there is grace for our performance. Success no longer means winning, and winning no longer trumps loving. &wo lessons that will bring us an abundance of life. -ow, as we move into our ne*t topic, it is time to change

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our focus. So far, our practical application of grace has dealt primaril with ourselves? our thinking, our failing, and our performance. !ut ne*t we want to begin sharing grace with others. &he first wa we#ll do this is b learning to grace our relationships.

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Chapter Thirteen: )race 1o$r 6elationships So, spread love ever where ou go? first of all in our home. 1ive love to our children, to our wife or husband, to a ne*t+door neighbor." +:other &eresa !e kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in $hrist 1od forgave ou." +Fphesians ;?95

&he couple sat ne*t to each other...miles apart. She wanted to work on it. .e said he did too. So, over the ne*t several weeks, we did our best to walk through the problems. Fach had a laundr list of complaints. She did this, this, this, and this. .e did this, this, this, and this. I listened carefull to each of them, and I tried to teach them to listen to each other. We practiced reflective listening, and we talked through the steps of conflict resolution. : approach was based on the words of a mentor counselor, It is never about the laundr lists. It is alwa s about the communication." Fventuall , the told me things had improved. I was glad, but unsure. &o me, there was still something missing, particularl for him. &he had learned the how of communication, but the lacked a change of heart. -ot knowing how else to help them, I agreed the had come far enough, and secretl hoped it

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were true. I didn#t see either of them for a couple of ears until I sat behind him at a social engagement. .e was sitting with his new girlfriend. %ll relationships are difficult. Whenever ou put two flawed people together it won#t take long until ou get a list of complaints. They are selfish. They are irresponsi+le. They are proud. %nd these complaints pull us apart, threatening to destro the relationship. !ut 1od made us to be connected to one another, so what are we to do' &he 6O>8 1od said, #It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.#" (1enesis 5?/B) If one falls down, his friend can help him up. !ut pit the man who falls and has no+one to help him upM" (Fcclesiastes ;?/G) 0or the longest time I believed that m mentor was right and that the most important thing in good relationships was the communication. !ut now, after ears of ministr (and marriage), I see it differentl . $ommunication is not the most important thing in good relationships. It is the second most important thing. &he most important thing is grace. Imperfect people will, b definition, let us down. &he will fail us, hurt us, and anno us. %nd don#t count on them changing. %s >ich :ullins once said, : friends aren#t the wa I wish the were= the are just the wa the are." Fver relationship ou have, from our spouse to our neighbor, re2uires grace. %nd, the more important the relationship, the more grace ou will need to give. 0or the more deepl ou know someone, the more deepl flawed

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ou will discover them to be. 6ove our neighbor as ourself," 4esus commanded. In other words, give our relationships a spoonful or two of loving+kindness. !ut how e*actl do we do that' I believe gracing our relationships re2uires changing two law+based attitudes that la deep within our hearts? justice and judgment. We#ll begin b looking at the first, our desire for justice. One-!ided 8$stice I was once in a small group with a man who had been badl wounded b a boss. I#m unsure of the details, but essentiall the man felt horribl betra ed. %s best I recall, the man#s hurt seemed justified, et I was a little concerned about the intensit of his pain. .e spoke about it each week, which was fine, but there was a resentful edge to his words that was alarming. &hen, one night, a startling revelation occurred. %fter he began to recount the stor again, someone asked him when the incident had taken place. 8ue to the intensit of the pain I had taken it for granted that the wound was recent. .owever, much to m surprise, I learned that it had all happened nearl two ears before. 0or two years this deep bitterness had lingered in his heart. %nd it was clear he wanted his boss to pa , and he wouldn#t let go until his boss did. 4ustice. &he man wanted justice. %nd he is not alone. Whenever we have a laundr list of relational complaints, what it#s reall all about is our own desire for justice. We have been keeping score of the hurts, waiting and hoping, hoping and waiting, for the

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da when the offender will get what#s coming to them. 3ou have done this, this, this, and this. &ranslationHpa up, make amends, or go to jail. In some relationships, like marriage, this da of reckoning comes often. We throw our lists at them e*pecting immediate penance. %nd even if the do apologi,e, it doesn#t matter. Should the do an thing approaching the same behavior again, we#ll be back once more demanding justice for that wrong and ever other wrong the have ever committed against us. In other relationships, however, like with the boss, this da of reckoning never comes. %fraid to actuall have a conflict, we stuff the list, keeping it in our hearts, alwa s hoping that somehow divine retribution will occur. It is the law, an eye for an eye' a tooth for a tooth. Fven as $hristians, ears of living b the law prevent us from seeing the obvious contradiction. 3et 4esus tried to point it out to us in a parable. Once there was a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. One man who was brought in owed the king the outrageous sum of ten thousand talents. &he servant fell on his knees before him. K!e patient with me,E he begged, Kand I will pa back ever thing." (:atthew /B?5@) Knowing full well that the man couldn#t pa back such a sum even if he lived ten lifetimes, the king was merciful, canceled all of the debt, and let him go. !ut after leaving the king, the man found a fellow servant that owed him a pittance. .e grabbed the servant, chocked him, and demanded his mone . When the king found out he called the servant back in,

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K3ou wicked servant,E he said, KI canceled all that debt of ours because ou begged me to. ShouldnEt ou have had merc on our fellow+servant just as I had on ou'E" (:atthew /B?95+99) We have been forgiven an enormous amount, more than we could ever possibl repa . 3et, like the unmerciful servant, we continue to keep tabs on the insignificant debts of those around us. &he iron is ridiculous. %nd, if we look carefull , it would become clear that our lists and complaints are not a demand for actual justice but rather onl for one+sided justice. 3ou see, if we reall want justice we would give others permission to hold our actions against us. 4ustice means I#ll keep score against ou and ou can keep score against me. !ut we don#t reall want that. I see this in m marriage all the time. I#m constantl aware of what m wife has done to me, when she has done it, and with an overconfident certaint , wh she has done it. &hen I wait for m moment. %s soon as there is an thing remotel similar to a past infraction, I strike, throwing the entire list before her. In m worst moments, I will stew and steam over an injur , new or old, for da s. 3et, how much time do I spend considering the wa I treat her' I don#t keep a list of those sins. I don#t sta awake at night thinking about wh she has ever right to hold m behavior against me. %n honest look at m marriage reveals the sad truthH I onl long for one+sided justice, and that one side is my side. &his is a far cr from the love Daul wrote about in 0irst $orinthians. 6ove is patient, love is kind. It does not env , it does

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not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self+seeking, it is not easil angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6ove does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It alwa s protects, alwa s trusts, alwa s hopes, alwa s perseveres. 6ove never fails." (/ $orinthians /9?;+Ba) When I compare m love for others with Daul#s list, I am deepl humbled. : desire for one+sided justice seems to miss the point. In fact, one+sided justice blatantl violates the definition of love b keeping a record of wrongs." Dut simpl , keeping a score card isn#t loving. !ut if we aren#t loving others than what are we doing' If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am onl a resounding gong or a clanging c mbal." (/ $orinthians /9?/) %pparentl , we aren#t doing much of an thing. If our relationships are about one+sided justice instead of being about love then the aren#t relationships...the are competitions. &hink about it. When do we keep score' We keep score an time we are tr ing to win. Once, during m missionar da s, our group was spending the night at a church in 0lorida. &he church had a beautiful g m, and a few friends and I went down to pla a little basketball. We were shooting around, just having fun, when a few gu s from the church showed up and asked if we wanted to pla a game. %lthough it was obvious that we weren#t in the same skill class as the were, we agreed. It was us against them, and from the start it was all them. 1etting out+pla ed was bad enough, but one of their gu s pla ed rough. .e was fighting for

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ever ball like it was the seventh game of the -.!.%. finals. Fven worse, he was continuall talking trash. When I couldn#t take it an more, I stopped in the middle of the court, looked directl at him, and asked, 2uite seriousl , %ren#t we $hristians'" I imagine he was a good gu off the court, but on it he was impossible to be with. ! tr ing to win at all costs, and ridiculing us in the process, he turned a friendl game into a self+absorbed me,fest. %nd nothing about his behavior resembled $hristianit . &his is e*actl what happens in our relationships when we keep score. Whenever we keep a record of wrongs, we are in it to win it, and we make our relationships all about us. 3ou have done this, this, this and this to me. Da me back. &reat me like I deserve. %nd if ou don#t, watch out, I#m going to tell ou a thing or two. 4ust like that unpleasant pick+up game, this isn#t $hristianit . So what then is $hristianit ' %nd how can we avoid keeping score' %re we supposed to let people simpl walk all over us' -o, 1od isn#t calling us to be mart rs inside of our own relationships. (o%e your neigh+or as yourself re2uires that we love ourselves too. In fact, true love must set limits on the hurtful behavior of others, or it isn#t true love. &his is what Daul meant when he said, 6ove does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth." (/ $orinthians /9?@). &rue love sets limits, but it does so with grace= Speaking the truth in love," as Daul wrote in Fphesians ;?/<. %nd it is this same grace that allows us to stop keeping score. 1race deals with wrongs, but it doesn#t count them, because, unlike

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the law, grace isn#t worried about justice. If it were, none of us could stand. &his is a hard truth, especiall for those who have been living b the law, but in order to grace our relationships we must come to reali,e that grace isn#t fair. )race Isn*t %air &here is a difficult parable in the 1ospel of :atthew. It isn#t difficult because it is hard to understand. It is difficult because it is eas to understand. Farl one morning, a landowner went to town to hire some men to work in his vine ard. .e agreed to pa them a denarius, a fair da #s wage, and set them to work. 6ater that morning the landowner found men standing around the market doing nothing. 3ou also go and work in m vine ard, and I will pa ou whatever is right." (:atthew 5G?;) % few hours later he found more men and put them to work also. &his happened twice more. 0inall , it was time to pass out the wages. &he men who were hired last were paid first, and much to their surprise, the got an entire denarius. So, naturall , the men hired first thought that the would get more, but the didn#t. Instead, the too got a denarius. &he weren#t happ . &hese men who were hired last worked onl one hour," the said, and ou have made them e2ual to us who have borne the burden of the work and the heat of the da ." !ut he answered one of them, 0riend, I am not being unfair to ou. 8idn#t ou agree to work for a denarius'

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&ake our pa and go. I want to give the man who was hired last the same as I gave ou. 8on#t I have the right to do what I want with m own mone ' Or are ou envious because I am generous' (:atthew 5G?/5+/<) When ou hear this stor , it is hard not to take sides with the earl workmen. &he did work longer and harder. Wh should those who worked so much less get the same amount' 3et, if ou give him a chance, the landowner does make a good point. &he did agree to their wages. %nd the landowner does have a right to be generous. 4esus makes it clear that this is a parable about the kingdom of heaven. 1od is the landowner and .is primar concern is that the men join .is team and get to work. .e wants to reward an one who comes= not just those who have worked the hardest. &his is grace, and the real+life application is obvious. &he person who lives a debaucherous life and accepts 4esus on their death bed gets the same reward as the person who accepts 4esus as a child and lives a hol life. !oth get heaven. In theor , no $hristian would argue with this. !ut, when it leaves theor and becomes practical it is a little bit harder to swallow. $ome one, come all," we declare, grace is a free gift." &hen the death row inmate comes or that person who abused us or that se* trafficker. 7h, wait," we sa , that isn#t fair. &he don#t deserve it." Of course not, that#s the point. Our problem with this parable stems from living b the

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law. Sal%ation may +e free' +ut look at e%erything I#ve done. %t the deepest level, we just can#t stop keeping score. I"m good2 they aren"t. I"%e done this2 they ha%en"t. I work hard2 they are la9y. !ut, although those things ma be true, it is onl a matter of degree. In realit , the landowner didn#t have to hire an one. &he work was his. &he mone was his. &he initiative to find the men was his. -one of them deserved the job. It was all grace. But' +ut, we protest. !ut nothing. &he landowner was generous to us. .e was even more generous to others. We should celebrate .is generosit instead of grumbling about it. %nd the simple lesson of it all is that grace gives unevenl . &his is the truth we so desperatel need to get a hold of in our relationships. We need to stop being like the unmerciful servant and start being like the generous landowner. 1od has shown us incomparable grace, so can#t we do a bit of the same for others' $an#t we stop keeping score' 6et#s assume that ever thing on our list of complaints about someone is true. 3ou are more mature. &he are less mature. Oka , so what' >emember, in realit , it is onl a matter of degree. ! 1od#s standard of maturit are ou reall that impressive' -o, ou#re not. &he opportunit ou#ve been given in ever one of our relationships is to imitate for others what 1od has done for ou. 3ou can give them what the don#t deserve. 3ou can tear up the list. %nd this includes accepting the fact that all relationships are uneven. One side re2uires more patience. One side re2uires more forgiveness. One

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side re2uires more empath . %nd ma be that one side is all their side. &hat#s grace. Our relationship with 4esus is the most one+sided in histor . We do the sinning= .e did the d ing. %nd .e isn#t grumbling about the imbalance. 6et us fi* our e es on 4esus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the jo set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of 1od." (.eb /5?5 -II) 4esus saw the cross, with all of its pain and suffering, as a jo . It was a wonderful opportunit = the chance to give grace. %nd we have the same opportunit . !e kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in $hrist 1od forgave ou." (Fphesians ;?59) We can choose to be kind and compassionate, for grace isn#t worried about fair. Or, on second thought, is it' &here is something ver interesting about the parable of the landowner. It is the concept of fairness. % denarius was a fair da #s wage. &he landowner promised to pa the workman whatever is right." %fter the workmen complained, the landowner responded, 0riend, I am not being unfair to ou." &hen he e*plains wh his actions are fair. 0rom beginning to end this is a stor about fairness, but not the wa we first think of it. 1race is unfair, but onl b our definition. We think fairness is about balancing the ledger, credits cancel debits. &hat is fairness under the law s stem. %pparentl , as 4esus# stor indicates, there is another wa to define fairnessHb the grace s stem. 7nder the

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grace s stem fairness means that ever one gets an e2ual opportunit to receive what the do not deserve, for the landowner wanted ever one to have a chance to e*perience his generosit . 1race has a different kind of math. It doesn#t tall good against bad. It onl tallies good. .ere is a chance to be loving and kind, that#s one. .ere#s another chance, that#s two. %nd another, and another...three, four. With the grace s stem the onl score that#s kept is the number of opportunities to be generous. Imagine what would happen in our relationships if we kept score that wa . .ere is a chance to be patient with their immaturit , that#s one. .ere#s a chance to love them in spite of their selfishness, that#s two. .ere#s a chance to forgive them and reconnect...three, four. &his kind of fairness would forever change the relationship, and it might even change them. 4ustice is the law s stem. It wants things to be even, and keeps track of the infractions. !ut there is no life in justice. Such fairness kills relationships. 3et there is another wa , the wa of grace. 1race isn#t fair, at least not the wa we#ve come to know fairness. In the grace s stem fairness isn#t about even, but about uneven. With grace it is a jo to show loving+kindness. 6ike 4esus going to the cross, we get to= we don#t ha%e to. Such an approach doesn#t dismiss sin, rather it destro s it. %nd if we switch s stems, gracing our relationships, we#ll see the difference. &he grace s stem brings life to ever thing it touches, including relationships. So isn#t it about time we dismissed our law+based desire for justice and stop

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keeping score' !ut our desire for justice isn#t the onl law+based attitude that hinders us. If we are going to grace our relationships we must also stop the judgment. Endless 8$d"ment &he passed out a flier for the organi,ation during school. : oldest son decided he wanted to join and so we went to the sign+up da . Once there, we discovered that his group needed a team leader. %s a child I had been involved with the organi,ation, and so I decided to volunteer. Soon I discovered that this ma have been a poor choice. I was given almost no guidance, there were three to four meetings ever month, and the main leader had loft (and undefined) e*pectations. &hankfull m past e*perience helped, and I worked hard to make sure the kids were having fun. 3et, somewhere along the wa , I did something wrong. What it was I#m not e*actl sure. !ecause of this, the leader decided that I was a problem. .ow do I know' On numerous occasions he told me so. .owever, he did so in such passive and vague wa s that I could never 2uite understand what e*actl I had done. %ll I could figure was that I didn#t meet his e*pectations, whatever the might have been. &hat leader was a ver good man. I knew he meant well, and I knew that there were some broken things in his life that were driving his unreasonable e*pectations. Fven though I knew all of

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that, I had a reall hard time being around him because I could alwa s tell that, to him, I didn#t measure up. I still see him on occasion, and I#m kind, but it is difficult to be friends with someone when ou know that the have judged ou. &he saddest part of the stor Hhe is a $hristian. 4udgment, like justice, kills relationships. Derhaps that#s wh 4esus spoke about it during the Sermon on the 5ount. 8o not judge, or ou too will be judged. 0or in the same wa as ou judge others, ou will be judged, and with the measure ou use, it will be measured to ou. Wh do ou look at the speck of sawdust in our brotherEs e e and pa no attention to the plank in our own e e' .ow can ou sa to our brother, K6et me take the speck out of our e e,E when all the time there is a plank in our own e e' 3ou h pocrite, first take the plank out of our own e e, and then ou will see clearl to remove the speck from our brotherEs e e. (:atthew A?/+<) -otice the relational nature of judgment= it affects our brother. 4udgment is finding fault with others. It is noticing their imperfections and pointing them out, a far cr from the loving+ kindness 1od intended for us to share. Instead of offering grace we dispense law. When 4esus talks about judgment .e clarifies what it means b using the word measure. With the measure ou use, it will be measured to ou." :easure implies a standard. !o you

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measure up0 &he standard of measurement is perfection, for we are constantl comparing people to the ideal, in ever wa . 8oes their appearance measure up' 8oes their intelligence measure up' 8oes their behavior measure up' %nd, sometimes, does their moralit measure up' It is all law. !ut onl rarel does it have an thing to do with 1od#s true moral law. >ather, the standard of perfection we are measuring others against is our own. 6ike the leader of m son#s organi,ation, we define perfection with our own personali,ed+law, constantl tr ing to determine if others meet the mark. %nd, just as that leader pushed me awa , we too push others awa . &he iron , as 4esus points out, is that we are measuring others against a standard that we ourselves can#t uphold. .ow can ou sa to our brother, K6et me take the speck out of our e e,E when all the time there is a plank in our own e e'" %nd we not onl can#t uphold it, we aren#t even close. &he #ve got a speck= we#ve got a plank. Derhaps this is taking too much libert with 4esus# illustration, but I think there is something telling about .is analog . When we have something in our e e it hurts. !ut the judgmental person doesn#t just have a piece of sawdust in there, the have a whole two+b +four. If ou want to talk about pain, that would be it. .ere#s the point. 4udgmental people are hurting people. %nd, as I mentioned briefl earlier, I believe the are tr ing to tear down others because the are living with the hurt of striving to measure up to their own personali,ed+law. &he know the can#t

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do it, but b putting others below them on the scale, it helps them to feel a little bit better about themselves. So judgment is measuring people against a standard of perfection, hurting people and draining their grace tanks. %nd the reason we do it is out of a response to our own personali,ed+law. !ut where does the truth come in' 8oesn#t Daul sa that $hristians need to pass judgment on wrong behavior' .ow does that fit' 0or instance, shouldn#t we judge our spouse#s angr outburst' Or, shouldn#t we judge the actions of an irresponsible emplo ee' Or, shouldn#t we judge a member of our church who isn#t living right' $ertainl , as we#ve seen before, grace does not dismiss truth, but we need to learn that there is a difference between being judgmental and making a sound judgment. In fact, there are three ke differences between them. 0irst, being judgmental is harsh, while making a judgment is loving. When we are judgmental we condemn the sinner. .owever, when we are making a judgment we love the sinner and condemn the sin. Second, being judgmental is deciding without knowing all of the facts, while making a judgment is careful not to jump to conclusions. When we are judgmental we see or hear something and instantl decide what has happened. .owever, when we are making a judgment we don#t make assumptions. Instead, we listen, ask 2uestions, and gather the facts, so that we might understand the whole picture and then decide. &hird, being judgmental is proud, while making a judgment is humble. When

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we are judgmental we consider our opinions to be facts, and we aren#t open to another interpretation. .owever, when we are making a judgment we know that we could be wrong. &here is alwa s some uncertaint involved, and we word our message accordingl . I think" or I believe" are the kinds of 2ualifiers that introduce a sound judgment. &here is an enormous difference between being judgmental and making a judgment. &he first is law, and the second is grace. &he first makes relationships worse, and the second makes them better. Specificall , judgmental behavior makes relationships worse b breaking people down. &his happens because being judgmental actuall pushes others towards the self+destruction of the law. -o one can make someone else do something. .owever, when we are judgmental we are empt ing people#s grace tanks and encouraging them to give into the harsh voice of their own shame and condemnation. 0or instance, a henpecked husband, who constantl feels like he can#t do an thing right, pulls further awa from the famil into self+condemnation. Or, a wife who is judged for being financiall irresponsible will more than likel act out again, spending more mone in order to tr and feel better. In other words, judging others encourages them to go deeper into the law c cle. 4udgment and relationships just don#t mi*. %nd that is wh judgment needs to go. In place of this law+based attitude, we need to instill a new grace+based attitude. We need to learn to leave the

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judging up to the judge. #ea+in" the 8$d"ment to the 8$d"e I open the closet and take out m black robe. With a deep sense of satisfaction, I slide m first arm in, and then the second. &here is a smug e*pression on m face as I button up the front. %s I start to head out of m office, I take a 2uick glance in the full+ length mirror. I look powerful, I think to m self. %fter closing the office door behind me, I walk briskl down the hall. &he sound of m hard+sole shoes hitting against the marble floor echoes loudl . It is a sound that I love. When I reach the richl ornamented oak doors, I stop and take a deep breath. &r as I might, I can#t supress a smile. I lo%e this' I sa 2uietl . &hen, with a touch of theatrics, I throw open the doors and walk briskl into the room. %ll rise, the honorable 4udge > an .obbs presiding." With forced humilit , I make m wa to the bench and sit down in m leather chair. &he courtroom is packed. We#ve got a bus docket toda ," I sa to no one in particular. 6et#s get started." %nd so, for the rest of the da , I#m bus making pronouncements against an one and ever one who comes before me. -o, I#m not actuall a judge, but apparentl I think I am. %ll da long I set m self in the seat of judgment. They are la9y, I decide. 3e is irresponsi+le, I pronounce. She is dysfunctional, I assess. 0or some reason I#ve come to believe that ever one I encounter has entered m courtroom. &he are brought before me. I hear a

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couple of statements. %nd then I pass judgment. I do this with strangers and with friends. I do this with ac2uaintances and with famil . Sometimes m pronouncements are about their decisions. Sometimes m pronouncements are about their appearance. Sometimes m pronouncements are about their mental health. Sometimes m pronouncements are about their character. !ut there are lots and lots and lots of pronouncements. &here are so man in fact that it borders on the ridiculous. %nd, amidst all of these judgments, I seem to have overlooked one important 2uestion, Who made me the judge'" &he answer is nobod . -o one has told me to anal ,e ever one. I#m not the dispenser of all truth. %nd I#m certainl not in a position to be evaluating other people#s behavior. &here is onl One who knows men#s hearts, who holds absolute truth, and who has never sinned H4esus. .e is the judge, not I. &here is onl one 6awgiver and 4udge, the one who is able to save and destro . !ut ouHwho are ou to judge our neighbor'" (4ames ;?/5) In m pride I have sat m self down in 1od#s seat. I have deceived m self into thinking that I could, and should, judge those around me. It is sin and law, nothing more. %nd I#m prett sure that I#m not alone. If we want to have right relationships we need to get out of 1od#s chair. .e#s big enough to do the job. .e doesn#t need our help. !ut, here again, what about truth' 8on#t we sometimes need to make judgments' 3es, we do. Sometimes we have to evaluate other people#s decisions, character, or even mental health.

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We might have to do this in order to decide whether the can be entrusted with a ministr , hired for a job, or encouraged to get help. !ut honestl how man of our judgments fit into this categor ' : guess would be that nearl ninet +nine percent of all our judgments are reall nothing more than us being judgmental. We might like to believe that we are simpl evaluating the facts," but we aren#t. If this is in doubt, ask ourself a couple of 2uestions. 0irst, is an one asking for m opinion' Second, does giving m opinion help an one' When the answer to these two 2uestions are no ever one would be much better off if we just left the situation to 1od. : guess is that half of all the grace drained from our grace tanks is the result of judgment. If I#m even close to being right, imagine how much grace would be in people#s tanks if we could stop all of this unnecessar judgment. It would be staggering= life+transforming. %nd while much of this isn#t going to change in a world ruled b the law, we can make a change in our world. ! 1od#s grace we can stop judging the people around us and instead let 1od handle it. Is that person irresponsible' 6et 1od handle it. Is that person selfish' 6et 1od handle it. Is that person cra, ' 6et 1od handle it. %nd this isn#t just about ac2uaintances and strangers. .as m wife handled the problem the wrong wa ' 6et 1od handle it. Is the boss making the right decisions' 6et 1od handle it. 8oes m friend reall want to change' 6et 1od handle it. &his doesn#t mean we stop helping the

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people around us. In that one percent of the time when our judgments are wanted and helpful, so be it. !ut the problem isn#t that one percent= it is the other ninet +nine. If we want to grace our relationships we need to leave the judgment to the judge. %nd before we close this section, and this chapter, there is a skill here that deserves mentioning. 6eaving the judgment to the judge re2uires learning not to sa what doesn#t need to be said. &he idea is this, When words are man , sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise." (Droverbs /G?/C) %nd it applies to that ninet +nine percent of unwanted and unhelpful judgments. In those times, I#ve begun practicing the art of keeping m mouth shut. : famil and I leave a part and I want to judge someone#s behavior. : comments are unwanted and unhelpful, so I swallow them. &here is someone in m life who seems to be acting irresponsibl . Sharing it with m wife doesn#t improve the situation, and so I hold m tongue. % friend makes a choice that I disagree with. &he aren#t asking for m help, and so I don#t need to talk about their choice, either with them or with an one else. I#m learning not to sa what doesn#t need to be said. It is a skill that is especiall important in families, where we feel most comfortable critici,ing one another and sharing our criticisms of others. 6earning this skill is difficult but important. If we would onl let go of all of those unnecessar comments there would be a lot more full grace tanks around us. %nd our relationships would be all the better for it.

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3ears of living b the law have instilled in us two law+based attitudes that do serious harm to our relationships. We e*pect justice and we pass judgment. !ut the grace s stem has another wa . We can grace our relationships b letting go of fair" and b leaving the judgment to the judge. &hese are hard changes to make after living so long under the law, but thankfull , the power to make the changes isn#t our own. 1od#s grace can do it. 1od#s grace can do an thing. %nd that is the perfect segue into our ne*t topic, our issues. -ot onl does 1od#s grace have the power to transform our relationships= it even has enough power to transform ouM

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Chapter %o$rteen: )race 1o$r Iss$es 7nderstanding grace is not just a theological e*ercise= it is essential to constructing a s stem of growth." +8r. .enr $loud Q 8r. 4ohn &ownsend 4esus straightened up and asked her, #Woman, where are the ' .as no one condemned ou'# #-o one, sir,# she said. #&hen neither do I condemn ou,# 4esus declared. #1o now and leave our life of sin.#" +4ohn B(/G+//) &he main character in the novel The Idiot b 0 odor 8ostoevsk is Drince : skin, a oung man who has been awa in an as lum being treated for imbecilit . When he finall returns to his homeland of >ussia, : skin appears to be a changed man, free from his afflictions. %nd, almost instantl , he gains the respect and admiration of ever one he meets, thanks to his kindness, gentleness, and faithfulness. In fact, the Drince ma even win the heart of -astas a, the woman he loves, and live happil ever after. 3et it isn#t to be. : skin#s chief rival >ogo,hin kills -astas a, and despite his showing >ogo,hin remarkable grace, : skin winds up relapsing into his previous mental illness. In an case, when, after man hours, the door opened and people came in, the found the murderer

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(>ogo,hin) totall unconscious and delirious. &he prince (: skin) was sitting motionless on the bed beside him, and each time the sick man had a burst of shouting or raving, he 2uietl hastened to pass his trembling hand over his hair and cheeks, as if caressing and soothing him. !ut he no longer understood an thing of what the asked him about, and did not recogni,e the people who came in and surrounded him. %nd if Schneider himself had come now from Swit,erland to have a look at his former pupil and patient, he, too, recalling the state the prince had sometimes been in during the first ear of his treatment in Swit,erland, would have waved his hand now and said, as he did then? %n idiotM"5< I read The Idiot while in m earl twenties, and I was immediatel captivated b : skin. .e was a true hero, $hrist+like in ever wa . %nd, naturall , I e*pected that the book would end in his favor. So, when : skin returned to his catatonic behavior and was sent back to the institution, I was shocked. -ot onl was the ending unsatisf ing, I was also alarmed b 8ostoevsk #s message, In the end people ne%er change. .ow could 8ostoevsk , a $hristian, think such a thing' Obviousl , people can change, the just need 4esus. Well, the past fifteen ears have shown me 2uite a bit, and now I have a lot more s mpath for 8ostoevsk #s conclusion. It is hard to change. I#ve seen countless $hristians, m self included, who get stuck in a variet of different areas of their lives. :en and

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women who love 1od with all of their hearts and et the cannot overcome their character flaws, addictions, and d sfunctional behaviors. In fact, one such person was 8ostoevsk himself. &hroughout his life, he continuall struggled to overcome his two great weaknesses? alcohol and gambling. So is 8ostoevsk right' Is it true that people never change' Well, es and no. While it is true that people can#t change themselves, it is not true that people can never change. &here is an outside power strong enough to transform an character flaw, addiction, or d sfunctional behavior. &he power is 1od#s grace. %nd, ironicall , the conclusion to The Idiot is filled with 1od#s grace. &he $hrist+like : skin shows the sinful >ogo,hin incomparable loving+kindness b gentl caring for him, despite >ogo,hin#s horrific deed. !ut, and this is the ke , : skin#s grace seems to represent a salvation+grace, intended to save" the sinner >ogo,hin. 6ike most of us, I believe 8ostoevsk has missed something essential. I believe he understood salvation+grace but missed dail +graceHthe power of 1od working in our ever da lives. If he had seen it, perhaps : skin could have sta ed out of the as lum, and perhaps 8ostoevsk could have sta ed out of the casinos. &his is our final application of grace. We are now going to see how to appl it to our issues. Fver one has broken areas. %ll of us, no matter who we are or how long we have been a $hristian, have areas of our lives where we need to grow. 0or some it ma be

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a character flaw, like pride, selfishness, or control, that perpetuall wreaks havoc on relationships. 0or others it ma be an addiction, like pornograph , alcohol, or gambling, that has proven uncon2uerable. 0or still others it ma be some d sfunctional wa of coping, like passive aggressiveness, withdrawal, or depression, that repeatedl derails our life. !ut whatever the issue, there is alwa s hope because there is alwa s grace. In truth, ever thing we#ve studied in this book can be applied to gracing our issues, so much of this chapter will be a review. .owever, it is an important review, one that will put what we#ve learned into an essential new conte*t. %s such, this chapter will e*amine seven ke principles that are essential for getting us unstuck." 1o$ Can*t, b$t )race Can= One da I wanted to give m wife a little break so I took m three children to the 3:$%. I thought we would go into the g m and pla some basketball. .ave ou ever tried to pla basketball with a seven, five, and three+ ear+old' It isn#t a prett sight. Of all the challenges the worst is the shooting. &he hoop is ten feet off the ground and m kids had a terrible time throwing the ball that high. : seven+ ear+old and m five+ ear+old could do it, barel . !ut m three+ ear+old didn#t have a chance. &r as she might, the ball hardl went above her head. When I saw how difficult it was for her and how frustrated she was getting, I came

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to the rescue. I picked her up, lifted her high above m head, and let her shoot. With m help she could reach, and she finall scored a basket. Without m help, however, it wouldn#t have mattered how long she stood there shooting, she would have never made it. &he basket was too high, and she was too small, and all the effort in the world wasn#t going to change that. In the same wa , when it comes to our issues, we are in over our heads. &here is a goal, to change our behavior, and this goal is right there above us. We can see it so clearl that it seems like it should be eas . %ll we have to do is pick the ball up and throw it into the basket. So we tr , but we can#t make it. %ctuall , we aren#t even close. We tr harder with no success. We tr again, and again, and again. %nd we fail again, and again, and again. Fventuall , we grow frustrated and we give up, and like 8ostoevsk , we conclude that we#ll never change. 3et, there is another wa . Someone bigger and stronger than us comes along. %nd the lift us up to a height that we could never reach on our own. -ow the distance is not too far. We too can score, and all it took was some help. &he help is 1od#s grace. 6iving b the law we believe that we should be able to fi* what#s the matter with us. If we onl tr hard enough we can do it. !ut this couldn#t be further from the truth. &he distance is just too high. We can#t reach it on our own. If we could have reached it, wouldn#t we have done so b now' &ime and time again we#ve made our resolutions to change. %nd time and time again we#ve

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failed. Daul captured it in the book of >omans? So I find this law at work? When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 0or in m inner being I delight in 1odEs law= but I see another law at work in the members of m bod , waging war against the law of m mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within m members. What a wretched man I amM Who will rescue me from this bod of death'" (>omans A?5/+5;) We must face the facts, in and of ourselves we cannot change. &he pick ourself up b the bootstraps" method is about as effective as it sounds. &hink about it. If we could pick ourselves up b the bootstraps, the end result would be us falling on our backsidesM !ut this is where grace comes in. 8o ou see that in the above passage from >omans Daul answers his own 2uestion' What a wretched man I amM Who will rescue me from this bod of death' &hanks be to 1odHthrough 4esus $hrist our 6ordM" (>omans A?5;+5<a) 4esus can get us unstuck. ! the power of grace, .e can lift us to heights we can#t reach on our own. %nd this is the first thing we must understand if we are going to grace our issues. &he power to change does not la inside of us. &he power to change must come from the outside. We need loving+ kindness to pick us up and help us overcome the distance. &his is how salvation works, and it is also how transformation works. Once we understand this, we come to the ne*t of our seven principles.

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)race Doesn*t Try===It %ills 3p Suppose ou come across a man struggling in an attempt to push a car up an enormous hill. When ou ask him what the problem is, he sighs and sa s, $ar won#t start." Well, wh are ou tr ing to push the car up the hill'" ou in2uire. So I can get where I need to go," he responds, while giving ou a look that implies our 2uestion was rather foolish. 8eciding this poor soul needs a hand, ou walk over and take a look at his car. &he first thing ou notice is that his gas gauge is on empt . .ere#s the problem. 3ou are out of gas." Oh," he replies, seemingl disinterested. &hen, he begins another attempt to push the car up the hill. $onfused b this, ou sa , 7h, sir, wh don#t ou just go get some gasoline' 8on#t ou have a gas can'" % gas can," he answers sarcasticall , of course, I have a gas can. !ut what good would that do me' % gas can isn#t going to get me where I want to go." %t this point ou don#t know whether to laugh or to get angr . 3ou decide to resist both urges, and using our most gentle tone, ou calml e*plain, Sir, if ou go and fill up the gas can ou will be able to fill up the car. Then our car will be able to take ou where ou want to go." Dlease," he e*claims, where in the world am I going to get gasoline'" 3ou slowl lift our finger and point to the filling station across the street. &he man looks at ou blankl for a moment, and then returns to his pushing. We are the man tr ing to push the car up the hill. Our desired destination is change, and so we struggle and strain to make

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it happen. 3et, we don#t have to struggle and strain. Instead, all we need is to go and fill up our grace tank. &hen we#ll have the fuel we need to get where we want to go. %s we#ve alread seen, we can#t do it on our own, so we need to stop tr ing. !ut this is e*tremel hard for us. Fver thing inside of us wants to get to work. We believe that we should put in the effort and sweat to bring about the change. !ut, remember, the grace s stem doesn#t operate this wa . 3ou don#t have to do an thing to change. 3ou just need to receive. 6ife change re2uires grace, nothing more. Our effort is irrelevant. %s such, our attempts to change are a waste of time. So we#d be far better off if we#d just stop tr ing. Instead of attempting to push the car up the hill to get where we want to go, we should simpl spend our time getting grace. Deople who change are people with a full grace tank. &heir priorit is to tap into the grace+givers that 1od gives freel , both directl through .imself, and indirectl through .is people. If we want to change, we too need to make our grace tanks the priorit . &his means having places of grace" in our lives. Dlaces of grace" are our gas stations, or better et our grace stations, where we know that we can alwa s go and get life+giving fuel. &here are lots of potential grace stations, but one that is particularl valuable is a small group or support group. .ealth groups provide us with a place to be loved unconditionall . &he are a place where people will not condemn us for our failures, but instead will empathi,e with us and

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encourage us. &his is life+giving, issue+transforming grace, and it doesn#t involve our own strength. So instead of spinning our wheels b our own effort, we should simpl remember to routinel stop at the gas station. 1race doesn#t tr = 1race fills up. )race Before Tr$th It was m first real counseling appointment. I was in graduate school and m class re2uired that I find some counselees. % friend of a friend agreed to meet with me. .er problem was an ongoing struggle with her famil . %lthough she had left home and now had a famil of her own, her parents continued to place her in the middle of a d sfunctional 2uagmire. &he manipulated her, critici,ed her, and emotionall abused her. Instantl , I recogni,ed the need for her to set some limits on their hurtful behavior, and at our first meeting I set out to e*plain the steps she needed to implement. When the session came to a close, I was certain that I had done a great job, and I couldn#t wait until we met again to continue the progress. &here was onl one problem, the ne*t time we met nothing had changed. She hadn#t tried an of the things I had recommended. 7ndeterred, I e*plained it all again. !ut when the same thing happened at the ne*t session, I began to catch on= apparentl truth doesn#t come first. % famous event from 4esus# life is an e*ample of this ne*t ke principle regarding our issues. It is 4esus# encounter with Racchaeus the &a* $ollector. In 4esus# da , ta* collecting was a

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business. &he >omans hired private contractors to go out and gather a predetermined amount of ta* mone . Once the ta* collector reached their goal, ever penn above that was theirs to keep. Racchaeus was a chief ta* collector, which meant that he was the contractor using hirelings to go e*tract the mone from his own people. %s ou can imagine, Racchaeus wasn#t ver well liked. One da , Racchaeus heard that 4esus was coming to town. %pparentl , something spiritual was at work in him, and Racchaeus desperatel wanted to catch a glimpse of 4esus. !ut he was too short to see above the crowd, and the people were not about to help him out. So Racchaeus decided to do something 2uite une*pected. .e climbed a tree, a rather humiliating behavior for a respectable eastern businessman. !ut this act of humilit didn#t go unnoticed. When 4esus saw Racchaeus hanging from a S camore, he said, Racchaeus, come down immediatel . I must sta at our house toda ." (6uke /C?<) &he people couldn#t believe it. %ll the people saw this and began to mutter, #.e has gone to be the guest of a #sinner.#" (6uke /C?A) 3et something had come over this sinner." !ut Racchaeus stood up and said to the 6ord, #6ook, 6ordM .ere and now I give half of m possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated an bod out of an thing, I will pa back four times the amount.#" (6uke /C?B) So what changed Racchaeus' Suddenl , a man driven b selfish greed was willing to give awa half of his possessions and to generousl make amends for an financial misdealings. What

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happened was grace. 4esus showed Racchaeus remarkable loving+ kindness, and as a result, Racchaeus changed. !ut what would have happened if 4esus had stopped at the bottom of the S camore tree and, instead of showing him grace, had pointed out all of Racchaeus# faults' -othing would have happened, at least nothing substantial. %s the book of >omans tells us, 1od#s kindness leads ou towards repentance." (>omans 5?;) It is grace, not truth, that begins the process of life change. &his doesn#t mean that truth isn#t important. Racchaeus needed to know that his behavior was wrong, but he needed to know he was loved +efore he would listen. &he woman I counseled needed to learn how to set limits with her famil , but she needed to fill her grace tank before she could do it. %nd this is the same order for each of us. 0irst we need grace, then we need truth. >eversing the order is a waste of time. We will never e*perience life+change on an empt tank, no matter how much truth we#ve heard. )race Can Accept 6eality 1. K. $hesterton was a brilliant $hristian writer and thinker whose finest attribute was mi*ing profound truth with great humor. 0or instance, when he was asked what one book he would like if stranded on a desert island, $hesterton responded, Wh , 7 Practical #uide to Ship+uilding , of course." $hesterton, an enormous man of great girth, also had no trouble directing his sharp wit at himself. 8uring World War I, a woman saw

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$hesterton, who was a oung man at the time, walking down the street and asked wh he wasn#t out at the front. $hesterton simpl replied, :a#am, if ou#ll step around this wa , ou#ll see that I am out at the front." Derhaps the most famous $hesterton stor involved the Illustrated (ondon Times. &he newspaper once asked a number of great writers for an essa in response to this 2uestion, What#s Wrong with the World'" $hesterton answered simpl , 8ear Sirs? I am. Sincerel ours, 1. K. $hesterton." &here is a great humilit in $hesterton, a humilit that has no trouble acknowledging that his sin, like all of ours, is the root problem with this world. So what allowed $hesterton to be so honest' It was the same thing that allowed Daul to call himself the worst of sinners. .ere is a trustworth sa ing that deserves full acceptance? $hrist 4esus came into the world to save sinnersHof whom I am the worst." (/ &imoth /?/<) %s $hristians, both $hesterton and Daul knew that their sinfulness was not the end of the matter, for 4esus had come. If prompted with the 2uestion, What#s >ight with the World'" $hesterton might ver simpl have replied, 8ear Sirs? 1race." If sin were the end of the matter we would all need to hide our failings. !ut sin is not the end, grace is. %nd, as a result, there is no longer a need to hide. We can admit that we are sinners. We can admit that we are overweight. We can admit we have a gambling problem. We can admit that we are selfish, or that we have a struggle with control, or that we drink too much, or that we

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ell at our children. 1race means no condemnation, and this means we can accept who we are, warts and all. %nd, when it comes to our issues, this brings great healing. &he reason we don#t change is because we don#t allow grace to transform us, and we will never allow grace to transform us if we are unable to admit that there are areas of our lives that need transformation. 8o ou reali,e that grace kills defensiveness' 3ou are loved unconditionall , whether ou ever overcome that issue or not. So stop hiding. %nd if someone critici,es ou for our sins, simpl look at them and sa , 3es, I am a sinner, and ou don#t know the half of it." &hen, with a broad smile, add softl , !ut grace is so good." &ake an honest inventor of our faults. &here is nothing to be afraid of. 1race accepts ou for who ou reall are, allowing ou to do the same. !ut hold on tight, for once ou accept the miracle of grace, another miracle happensH ou suddenl begin to change. Which brings us to our ne*t ke principle. )race (or5s #ittle by #ittle In the 1ospel of :ark, 4esus tells a short parable about the kingdom of 1od. &he idea behind the parable is that the kingdom grows both graduall and steadil . It goes like this? &his is what the kingdom of 1od is like. % man scatters seed on the ground. -ight and da , whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts and grows, though he does not

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know how. %ll b itself the soil produces cornHfirst the stalk, then the ear, then the full grain in the ear. %s soon as the grain is ripe, he puts the sickle to it, because the harvest has come.L (:ark ;?5@+5C) %lthough this parable refers most directl to 1od#s work in the world, I believe it also applies to 1od#s work of grace in each one of us. 0or when we are living b the grace s stem, 1od is at work in us, and the growth process looks e*actl like this parableH gradual and stead . 6ittle b little, da b da , grace changes us, and just as in the parable, it has nothing to do with us. -ight and da , whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts and grows, though he does not know how." &his is the m sterious power of grace. It works progressivel , almost rh thmicall , and it cannot be stopped. %ll we must do is receive the seeds of loving+kindness, and 1od does the rest. %s I look back on m own life, this is e*actl how 1od has worked on m issues. It was in m earl twenties that I came to acknowledge m struggles with depression, fear, and insecurit . 0or me the problems were so obvious that the acceptance wasn#t ver difficult. :oreover, I was such a mess that it was just as eas to admit that I couldn#t fi* the issues on m own. So, instead of rel ing on m own strength, I submitted to the grace s stem. &hen, little b little, da b da , I began to change. &oda , fifteen ears later, m issues are still there, but the no longer rule m dail life.

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%midst the process it would have been difficult to identif the changes= the were so incremental as to be undetectable. !ut grace is both consistent and relentless, and tin changes eventuall add up to become enormous ones. It is like watching the growth of a child. If it is our child and ou are with them ever da , ou don#t notice how the are growing. .owever, if ou#ve been keeping a growth chart, perhaps marking their height on a door frame, the growth can#t be denied. Steadil the have been getting bigger and bigger, as each line clearl shows. If ou look at the difference in their height between now and a ear ago, the change trul is enormous. )race Doesn*t (allow It appears to be the most insensitive thing an one could possibl ask, and the person who asked it was 4esus. &he stor is told in the 1ospel of 4ohn. One da , 4esus was walking in 4erusalem near a pool known as !ethesda. &here was a legend that said an angel would occasionall stir the waters of this pool and, afterward, the first one in would be healed. %nd so, as 4ohn puts it, .ere a great number of disabled people used to lieHthe blind, the lame, the paral ,ed." (4ohn <?9) &he were hoping to be the first one in. One of those l ing there was a man who had been an invalid for thirt +eight ears. %nd when 4esus saw him he asked, 8o ou want to get well'" What kind of a 2uestion is that to ask of a poor paral ,ed man'

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#Sir,# the invalid replied, #I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am tr ing to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me." (4ohn <?A) -otice that this was a rather strange response to 4esus# 2uestion. &he proper answer would have simpl been yes. Instead, the man offered an e*cuse for wh he can#t throw himself in the pool. !ut, despite the strange response, 4esus healed the man and told him to pick up his mat. So the man did. .owever, the miracle took place on the Sabbath, and the Dharisees had a rule against carr mats. (%pparentl , the had a rule against ever thing.) %nd so the Dharisees came and said to the man, It is the Sabbath= the law forbids ou to carr our mat." (4ohn <?/Gb) In response, the man blamed 4esus. &he man who made me well told me to," he responded. 6ater, 4esus saw the man and told him to stop sinning. So the man went to the Dharisees, and tattled on 4esus. When ou look at the conte*t, 4esus# 2uestion about wanting to get well seems to have more to do with the man#s heart than with his bod . %nd in response, the man had onl e*cuses. &hen, when faced with the wrath of the Dharisees, the man had no problem implicating 4esus. 0inall , when 4esus told him to stop sinning, the man got angr and tried to get 4esus into further trouble. &his man obviousl had some character problems, which brings us back to the beginning. 8o ou want to get well'" 4esus asked. 7h, I can#t. It#s not m fault. -o one ever helps me." So it seems like the man had been l ing b the side of the pool, feeling

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sorr for himself, and avoiding personal responsibilit for his real issues. !asicall , it appears as if he was wallowing. Fver thing we know about this man points to someone living under the law. %nd, under the law, when people have issues the feel sorr for themselves. In other words, the wallow. Woe is me, I#m such a mess." 3ou see, the law s stem is both self+ defeating and self+absorbed. %s such, ou can#t beat it and ou can#t get our e es off ourself, so this is the full+proof recipe for a pit part . !ut grace changes all of this. Without the fear of condemnation our issues no longer make us +ad the just make us +roken. %nd when something is broken the appropriate response is to simpl get it fi*ed. 8o ou want to get well'" 3es, I do." -o e*cuses. -o blame. -o self+pit . 4ust a simple es. %nd, if amidst the process we fall back into our old patterns of behavior' Who cares' &his is grace. We onl need to go after more grace+givers and start again. 0or where the law collapses inward, grace breaks outward, which means the end of self+pit . %nd this brings us to our final principle. )race Po$rs O$t Draise be to the 1od and 0ather of our 6ord 4esus $hrist," Daul writes in 5 $orinthians, the 0ather of compassion and the 1od of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in an trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from 1od." (5 $orinthians /?9+;) .ere is

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what Daul is sa ing? 1od gives us loving+kindness so we can turn around and give it to ou. &here is a funn thing that nearl alwa s occurs in the healing process. 1od brings people into our lives who are struggling with the same thing. I#ve seen it numerous times in m wife#s life. When she was in her late teens and earl twenties she struggled with an eating disorder and was an e*ercise+ a+holic. ! 1od#s grace she got through those issues, and now she constantl finds herself encountering other women with the same problems. It#s an ama,ing miracle for her to pass on the comfort that she herself has received. 1race ripples like waves across a lake. .ealing starts with a single person and then spreads outward. %nd this was alwa s how 1od intended it, for two reasons. 0irst, 1od wants us to share grace because .e wants ever one to find freedom. 7nlike with the law, this isn#t all about us. &here is a world be ond our hurts and struggles, and 1od intends for us to engage it. .is kingdom e*pands one heart at a time, and what ever one of those hearts needs is grace. 4esus didn#t die e*clusivel for us. &he plan was alwa s that grace would reach outward, growing e*ponentiall . %nd this re2uires each of us to pla a part, sharing both salvation+ grace and dail +grace, that which has saved our souls and that which has changed our lives. Second, 1od wants us to share grace because it is good for us. Over the ears I#ve done a lot of tutoring, and what I#ve seen is that teaching teaches. In other words, as I teach a concept m

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understanding of that concept deepens. I#ve also watched as those I#ve taught turn around and teach the idea to their friends with the same result. 0or, b teaching, the themselves move to a deeper level of understanding. &his is what 1od is tr ing to do with us. When we share the grace that 1od has given us it causes us to grow even more. It is a beautiful plan that onl 1od could have designedHthe wounded healing the wounded, and healing themselves further in the process. 1race pours out, as ever spoonful we receive is intended to be poured out again to others. &his is the wa of 1od. &his is the wa of grace. In this chapter, we have discussed seven principles for gracing our healing. &he aren#t new concepts. We have seen them throughout the book. .owever, it is m sincere hope that seeing them again, in the conte*t of our issues, ma bring ou a greater measure of freedom. Fach of these seven principles have certainl done that for me. I guess ou could sa , this has been m attempt to pour out for ou the grace that I have received.

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Chapter >?: Eyes of )race #&is grace has brought me safe this far, and grace will lead me home." +4ohn -ewton When the congregation was dismissed, man of the 4ews and devout converts to 4udaism followed Daul and !arnabas, who talked with them and urged them to continue in the grace of 1od." +%cts /9?;9

Fver since I can remember, I#ve said the same pra er for m bo s each night as I put them to bed. 8ear 1od, watch over m little ones. .elp them grow to love and serve ou, to be men of character and integrit , and give them e es of grace." I reall have no idea where that last phrase eyes of grace came from, but in that phrase is ever thing I hope for them, and for ou. )yes of grace. It means to look at ourself, our neighbor, and the entire world through the grace s stem, instead of the law s stem. It is the perspective of 1od#s unconditional loving+kindness, and it holds life+changing power. %nd the greatest part is that we can all have e es of grace. It onl re2uires that we accept what has been sitting there waiting for us all alongHthe fullness of the 1ood -ews. $an ou imagine what our life would be like if ou lived

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with eyes of grace' Dicture ourself free from the need to perform or else. 8ream of a heart overflowing with the fruit of the Spirit. See ourself e*tending grace to others, and to ourself. >emember Kate in our first chapter' What she so desperatel needed were eyes of grace. When she failed, she beat herself up. When others didn#t meet her standard, she felt bitter. %nd when she was judged, she didn#t know where to turn. She lived her life b the law s stem, and it was no life at all. !ut there is life in the grace s stem, abundant life. 1race changes ever thing. It ends the self+ condemnation. It heals our wounds. %nd it pulls others towards us instead of pushing them awa . &hat is what Kate needed, and that is what ou and I need as well. &he problem is our theolog . We#ve sliced grace in half, separating salvation+grace from dail +grace, and then we#ve taken the first half while ignoring the second. !ut half of grace is not grace. 4esus didn#t die on a cross just so ou could punch our ticket to .eaven. 4esus died on a cross to radicall transform ever thing about ou. .e didn#t free ou from our sins so ou could remain sitting in a jail cell. .e freed ou from our sins so that ou might be free. &he 1ood -ews is not incomplete= we have made it incomplete. 1race is not onl for tomorrow= it is also ver much for toda . &he same grace that saved ou also wants to fill ou. It wants to pour into ou the power to live, so that practical things like our thinking, our failing, our performance, our

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relationships, and our issues will forever be changed. !ut grace doesn#t do this for our sake. 1race does this so that the %uthor of grace might be glorified. &his isn#t about us= it#s about 1od. %nd when we continue to live under the law s stem, refusing the life+changing grace that is being offered to us, we are failing to bring 1od the glor due .is name. .e is wonderful and .is love is ama,ing, and et we are onl displa ing for the world a murk + glimpse, a half+done picture, of who .e is and what .e can do. !ut 1od wants to paint a new portrait through each of us, one that full reflects .is image in us, and grace is .is paint. 3et, we#ve been getting in the wa , tr ing to do the portrait ourselves, and it hasn#t been a prett picture. With our law+striving we have done a poor job of showing the world the greatness of 1od. 3et that#s oka , because this is grace. &here is no condemnation, but rather another opportunit to begin toda . So now is the time to make the switch. 6eave behind the law, with its fruitless c cle, and embrace a new wa to liveHthe wa of unconditional love. %nd, if ou find ourself struggling to escape from those deepl embedded patterns of performance, don#t worr , grace will help with that too. Simpl ask 1od to give ou the grace to get out of the wa , so that .e can get back to work painting .is masterpieceHthe new ou that full reflects .is image. Oh eah, and when .e paints the e es, be sure to ask that .e makes them eyes of grace.

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!o$rces /. 4oan 4acobs !rumberg, The Body Project: 7n Intimate 3istory of 7merican #irls, (-ew 3ork, -3.? >andom .ouse), CA. 5. &imoth Keller, Counterfeit Idols, (-ew 3ork, -.3.? 8utton, 5GGC), AA. 9. !rennan :anning, The &agamuffin #ospel, (:ultnomah !ooks, /CCG), /9. ;. Dhilip 3ance , Soul Sur%i%or, (-ew 3ork, -.3.? 8oubleda , 5GG/), 5,;. <. Ka .augaard as shared b Os 1uinness in Time For Truth, (1rand >apids, :I.? !aker, 5GG5), 55+59. @. &imoth Keller, Counterfeit #ods, (-ew 3ork, -.3.? 8utton, 5GGC), /;B. A. 8onald !artlett and 4ames Steele, )mpire, (-ew 3ork, -.3.? W.W. -orton, /CAC), /A<. B. .enr $loud and 4ohn &ownsend, 3ow People #row, (1rand >apids, :I.? Rondervan, 5GG/), //C+/5G. C. 8avid Seamands, Derfectionism? 0raught with 0ruits of Self+8estruction," in Christianity Today, %pril /G, /CB/, 5;+ 5<= cited in Dhilip 3ance , 6hat"s So 7ma9ing 7+out #race, (1rand >apids, :I.? Rondervan, /CCA), /<. /G. 1eorge :ac8onald, The 5ar;uis Secret, (!loomington, :-.? !ethan .ouse Dublishers, /CB5), /;5.

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//. $. S. 6ewis, &eflections on the Psalms, (-ew 3ork, -3.? .arcourt, /CB@), C9. /5. .enr $loud and 4ohn &ownsend, 5aking Small #roups 6ork, (1rand >apids, :I.? Rondervan, 5GG9), ;9. /9. 1. K. $hesterton, cited in Kevin !elmonte' The <uota+le Chesterton, (-ashville, &-.? &homas -elson, 5G//), /A;+ /A<. /;. Dhilip 3ance , &eaching For 7n In%isi+le #od, (1rand >apids, :I.? Rondervan, 5GGG), /@. /<. &homas 4efferson, 6etter to Doll cited in 8avid, :c$ullough, 8ohn 7dams, (-ew 3ork, -3.?Simon Q Schuster, 5GG/), ;</. /@. >obert Dutnam, Bowling 7lone, (-ew 3ork, -3.? Simon Q Schuster, 5GGG), 9@A. /A. 8avid :c$ullough, Truman, (-ew 3ork, -3.? Simon Q Schuster, /CC5), ;C;. /B. .enr $loud and 4ohn &ownsend, => ?Christian@ Beliefs That Can !ri%e /ou Cra9y, (1rand >apids, :I.? Rondervan, /CC<), /5C+/9G. /C. $. S. 6ewis, Till 6e 3a%e Faces, (San 8iego, $%.? .arcourt, /CB;), 5A@. 5G. >ick Warren, The Purpose !ri%en (ife, (1rand >apids, :I.? Rondervan, 5GG5), /A. 5/. $harles !racelen 0lood, (ee: The (ast /ears, (!oston, :%.? .oughton :ifflin, /CB/), /GA+/GB.

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55. $harles 8ickens, 7 Christmas Carol, (-ew 3ork, -3.? Scholastic, /CCC), //<+//@.

23. >obertson :cJuilkin, (i%ing By Aows' Christianity Today

online article, http?OOwww.christianit toda .comOctO5GG;Ofebruar web+ onl O5+C+//.G.html'startS/.

24. 0rom a sermon b &on $ampolo recited in an article b

1inn !ridges Ireland found online at http?OOwww.ba lor.eduOchristianethicsO:arriage%rticleIrel and.pdf. 5<. 0 odor 8ostoevsk , The Idiot, translated b >ichard Devear and 6arissa Iolokhonsk , (-ew 3ork, -3.? Fver man#s 6ibrar , 5GG5), @//.

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