The History of 'I'm Sorry'

Is it just me, or do we all find ourselves, every now and again, feeling like we need to apologize? In my life, this often arises in situations like the following:

Sorry I was late ! I really apologize for that"# I$m sorry that I ate that last pie%e of steak that was in the fridge!I know that you were saving it and I have no idea what I was thinking"# I am so sorry that I didn$t respond to that email" Seriously&#

'nd so forth" If you are like me, you lead a typi%ally (usy and %omple) modern *orth 'meri%an life!and this fa%t %olors your day+to+day intera%tions" ,ou may run into situations like these with some regularity!as you rarely do things perfe%tly" Sometimes, you just have to apologize" 's an evolutionist, I$m %urious a(out the evolutionary psy%hology of apologeti% (ehaviors" -hat fun%tions do su%h (ehaviors serve? 're there %ompara(le kinds of (ehaviors in other spe%ies? 're there spe%ialized me%hanisms that people employ to distinguish genuine from insin%ere apologies? .an the evolutionary perspe%tive help us understand the nature of apologizing as well as the nature of politeness+related (ehaviors in general? If you$re at all familiar with my work /see 0eher, 12345, you know what I think& The Evolutionary Function of Apologies In a profound e)ample of evolutionary s%holarship, 6o(ert Trivers /37895 argued that many of our politeness+related (ehaviors and so%ial+emotional responses are rooted in the fa%t that we are a spe%ies typified (y (oth a need to (elong and (e in%luded in so%ial %ir%les, and a long history of re%ipro%al altruism" 6e%ipro%al altruism /Trivers, 37:35 is an apparent, superfi%ial form of altruism# in whi%h an individual will help another!(ut with the e)pe%tation of re%eiving help in return at a future point: I$ll s%rat%h your (a%k, (ut I e)pe%t you to s%rat%h mine later" ;rom this perspe%tive, re%ipro%al altruism is ultimately helpful to the helper, or the apparent altruist" 's Trivers sees it, this is how apparent altruism (etween non+kin %ould have evolved" Spe%ies vary in terms of the degree to whi%h they demonstrate re%ipro%al altruism" <ut humans show it in spades" =ver help a neigh(or move a pie%e of furniture? ,ou sort of e)pe%t that he or she might help you at a future point" =ver drive a friend to the airport? ,ou sort of e)pe%t that favor to (e returned" =ver %over the responsi(ilities of a %o+worker? ,eah, jot that one down mentally!she owes you one& 'nd so forth" This is how we operate!and this is how people are a(le to thrive in large so%ial groups" The fa%t of re%ipro%al altruism in humans, as Trivers points out, leads to various so%ial+emotional aspe%ts of human psy%hology" If you$re part of a spe%ies in whi%h re%ipro%al altruism is (asi%, it is evolutionarily (enefi%ial to have a mat%hing psy%hology that helps fa%ilitate su%%ess in the domain of re%ipro%al altruism" So Trivers hypothesizes that the following psy%hologi%al states evolved:

Feeling sorry /or e)perien%ing guilt5 motivates a person to work to repair relationships that he or she may have damaged in some way" Apologizing is a kind of so%ial (ehavior that is rooted in the emotional state of feeling sorry ! it e)presses to another the fa%t that you are sorry that you /wittingly or unwittingly5 infli%ted %osts on him or her!and that you are motivated to help %orre%t things" Expressing gratitude shows others that you appre%iate the altruism that they have thrown your way!and is a pu(li% signal that you, yourself, %an (e %ounted on to re%ipro%ate at some future point, and that people will (e rewarded for helping you in parti%ular" Accepting an apology /a sister to forgiving5 is a kind of so%ial (ehavior that shows that you are willing to trust a person to (e part of your %ir%le of re%ipro%al altruists moving forward" Expressing moral outrage is often dire%ted at someone in the small so%ial group who is not re%ipro%ating altruism!a freerider# who %annot (e %ounted on to re%ipro%ate altruism" It %an have the effe%t of isolating a non+altruist, whi%h is (ad for that individual /who may then go into I$m sorry# mode5, (ut good for others in the group"

These so%ial+emotional states all serve important, evolutionarily relevant fun%tions" 0uilt and feeling sorry help motivate an individual to set things straight with others in his or her %ir%le! helping him or her maintain a reputation as a potential altruist who %an (e %ounted on" Su%h a reputation is hugely important in su%%eeding in any human so%ial group" 'pologizing for anything that might possi(ly infli%t %osts on another is a signal of saying, >ook, I know that what I did messed you up, (ut I didn$t mean it" It was not my intention to hurt you"# This goes a long way" I$d rather (e friends with someone who hurt me unwittingly than with someone who hurt me as a result of a %old, %al%ulated plan" =)pressing gratitude shows that I appre%iate the other+oriented (ehaviors of mem(ers in my group ! and su%h an e)pression (enefits those who help (y e)pressing high regard for them pu(li%ly" ' tenden%y toward e)pressing gratitude!espe%ially if it$s genuine!will, thus, help one remain a likely target of future altruisti% a%ts (y others in the group" '%%epting an apology /or forgiving5 is also (enefi%ial in a %onte)t replete with re%ipro%al altruism" If I a%%ept an apology from someone, then there$s something of an unstated pa%t a(out the future, espe%ially if the a%%eptan%e is pu(li%" In su%h a s%enario, mem(ers of the group all sort of know that there$s a more+stated+than+usual agreement that this person will not infli%t future %osts on me" =)pressions of moral outrage!su%h as an upstanding student saying, .an you (elieve that she %heated on that e)am when the professor left the room, in front of everyone&?#!have multiple effe%ts: The whistle+(lower gains in status (y e)pressing something that potentially has (enefits for everyone in the group!and the reputation of the transgressor is (lemished, providing useful information for others regarding that individual$s likely level of re%ipro%al altruisti% (ehaviors in the

future" ?f %ourse, this all leads to strong pressures not to infli%t %osts on others in one$s so%ial group, as you run the risk of getting the whistle (lown on you" In small so%ial %ir%les, allies are %riti%al!and in a spe%ies like ours, with a deep history of re%ipro%al altruism, a%@uiring and maintaining allian%es is foundational" -hat %an we learn from all this? Aerhaps some things you first learned when you were a kid" <ut perhaps you are now seeing it with fresh eyes, through an evolutionary lens" -ant to keep %onne%ted to others in your so%ial %ir%les? Here are some tips that %ome straight from evolutionary psy%hology:

Try not to infli%t %osts on others" If you$ve done something that makes you feel sorry or guilty, think a(out the evolutionary origins of su%h states!perhaps you should try to %orre%t something in your so%ial world" If you have infli%ted %osts on others, don$t hesitate to apologize" -hen someone helps you or (enefits you, go ahead and e)press gratitude" Try not to (e the person who a%%epts (enefits from the group without %ontri(uting! without re%ipro%ating altruism" These people get %aught, get outed, and often e)perien%e reputational damage"

'nd with all these things, the more genuine and sin%ere, the (etter" Humans are amazing at dete%ting de%eption!espe%ially when it %omes to the domain of re%ipro%al altruism /see .osmides B Too(y, 37715" -ith all that said, if I owe you a phone %all or an email, or if I tried to say something ni%e to you (ut (lundered and %ame out with something offensive, or if I %learly didn$t appre%iate a meal you worked hard to prepare, please know this: I$m genuinely sorry, and I will make it up to you&

6eferen%es: .osmides, >" B Too(y, C" /37715" .ognitive adaptations for so%ial e)%hange" In C" H" <arkow, >" .osmides, B C" Too(y /=ds"5" The adapted mind: Evolutionary psychology and the generation of culture /pp" 3DE!1185" ?)ford: ?)ford Fniversity Aress" 0eher, 0" /12345" =volutionary Asy%hology 323" *ew ,ork: Springer" Trivers, 6" >" /37:35" The evolution of re%ipro%al altruism" Quarterly Review of Biology, 46, E9! 9:" Trivers, 6" /37895" Social evolution" Genlo Aark, .': <enjaminH.ummings"