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prised you or what you discovered about your partner. Remember that

Consent: Fabulous Fuel for Sensational Sex—Just Keep It Safe!

it can be scary to share sexual desires and to talk about them vulnerably.
Never cut your partner down or punish them for revealing a desire to
you. Do your best to be nonjudgmental. If I find myself judging, I start
thinking of myself as a scientist—a researcher seeking to understand. I
ask a lot of questions. Is there room for compatibility when you talk less
about the specific activity and more about why that activity turns you
on? Can you meet the turn-on without the specific activity? Are there
fears or misunderstandings that might be addressed? Where could both
of you get more education so that you can understand more about the
specific activity and what it means? Could you dip your toes in just a
little bit (for example, handcuffs instead of full-body rope bondage)?

When Ian and I went together to see Ivy Young, she gave us a kink
compatibility checklist.We had already gone through my version of a sim-
ilar checklist at home (just going through the list and discussing what we
wanted to try turned him on like crazy, and we didn’t get through the list
on our first attempt). We’d done a lot of communication. Ian was sharing
more openly about his hidden desires. I got a clearer picture about where
we could play together and why kink was so important to him. Luckily
Ian and I discovered by going through my Kink Communication List and
doing the “Understanding Turn-ons” exercise that we were pretty much
compatible with each other. We had many matching want-tos.
Try it for yourself:

KINK COMMUNICATION LIST

Step One: Get Evaluating (Giving)!

Go through the list of activities below and for each one, circle whether
you want to do it, you are willing to do it, or there is no way you are
going to do it on the giving end.

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Step Two: Get Evaluating (Receiving)!
C U F F E D, T I E D, A N D S AT I S F I E D

Go through a second time with a different-colored writing implement

and circle whether you want to do each activity, you are willing to do
it, or there is no way you are going to do it on the receiving end.

Step Three: Get Discovering!

Now meet with your lover and compare notes! For anything that you
feel you are willing to do, discuss your degree of willingness. Is it a “Yes,
I love you and although it may not be my cup of tea, I’m all for it” or
is it a “Well, okay, I guess we could”? Rate your willing-tos on a scale
of 1 to 5—1 being “Yes, I love you, let’s go for it,” and 5 being “I guess
I can suffer through this.” I would add anything on the willing-to
list that is a 4 or 5 to your no-way list for now. You can revisit these
later.

Step Four: Get Conversing and Researching!

Ask questions, do more research, and be sure to go deeper into specifics
for each topic. If you are unsure what an activity is, read further in this
book or Google it!

Step Five: Get Started!

This form gives you a map, helping you to see where you and your
lover can play together. All of the places where your want-tos match
up are great places to start. Stay away from the no-ways and always re-
spect them. Keep an open mind that willing-tos can turn into want-tos
and sometimes nos. And there are even times when nos turn into
willing-tos, but do not pressure your partner into this. Pressure only
creates resentment and distance.

Step Six: Get Educated!

Now that you have your places of consent, read the rest of this book,
take classes, get private coaching, and participate in learning labs.

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Step Seven: Get Reevaluating!

Consent: Fabulous Fuel for Sensational Sex—Just Keep It Safe!

I advise you to go through this form again three months from the time
you first took it to reevaluate where you are.

Playful Restraint
Erotic Wrestling WANT Willing No Way

Holding Hands Down WANT Willing No Way

Holding Legs Down WANT Willing No Way

Full-Body Pinning WANT Willing No Way

Leather Cuffs WANT Willing No Way

Silk Ties/Sashes WANT Willing No Way

Rope Restraint WANT Willing No Way

Binding to Furniture WANT Willing No Way

Suspension Play WANT Willing No Way

Spreader Bars WANT Willing No Way

Genital Restraint Ropes WANT Willing No Way

Genital Chastity WANT Willing No Way

Other_____________ WANT Willing No Way

Power Roles
Being Dominant/Submissive WANT Willing No Way

Humiliation WANT Willing No Way

Explicit/Dirty Talk WANT Willing No Way

Punishment/Rewards Play WANT Willing No Way

Ownership WANT Willing No Way

Owning Genitals WANT Willing No Way

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Orgasm Control WANT Willing No Way
C U F F E D, T I E D, A N D S AT I S F I E D

Exhibitionism/Sex in Public WANT Willing No Way

Other_____________ WANT Willing No Way

Sensory/Impact Play
Temperature Play
(Wax, Ice, etc.) WANT Willing No Way

Love Taps/Spanking WANT Willing No Way

Sensual Feasting WANT Willing No Way

Fur Mitts WANT Willing No Way

Erotic Massage WANT Willing No Way

Nipple Play WANT Willing No Way

Riding Crops WANT Willing No Way

Paddles WANT Willing No Way

Flogging WANT Willing No Way

Whips WANT Willing No Way

Caning WANT Willing No Way

Blindfold WANT Willing No Way

Hood WANT Willing No Way

Tickling/Feathers WANT Willing No Way

Sensory Play with Restraints WANT Willing No Way

Electrostimulation WANT Willing No Way

Other_____________ WANT Willing No Way

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Intense Sex

Consent: Fabulous Fuel for Sensational Sex—Just Keep It Safe!

Mouth Restraint—Ball WANT Willing No Way

Mouth Restraint—Bit WANT Willing No Way

Mouth Restraint—Ring WANT Willing No Way

Hard Pounding
During Intercourse WANT Willing No Way

Intercourse Combined
with Restraints WANT Willing No Way

Oral Combined
with Restraints WANT Willing No Way

Butt Plugs/Prostate
Stimulators WANT Willing No Way

Dildos/Vibrators WANT Willing No Way

Discipline (Rewards
and Punishment) WANT Willing No Way

Anal Sex WANT Willing No Way

Vaginal Fisting WANT Willing No Way

Face Slaps/Love Taps WANT Willing No Way

Pounding on Body WANT Willing No Way

Strap-on Play WANT Willing No Way

Forced Bisexuality WANT Willing No Way

Double Penetration WANT Willing No Way

Breath Play WANT Willing No Way

Hand over Mouth

and Nose WANT Willing No Way

Choking WANT Willing No Way

Hard Kissing WANT Willing No Way

Tantric Breathing WANT Willing No Way

Other_____________ WANT Willing No Way

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Other
C U F F E D, T I E D, A N D S AT I S F I E D

Oral Sex WANT Willing No Way

Anilingus WANT Willing No Way

Pony Play WANT Willing No Way

Puppy Play WANT Willing No Way

Fantasy Role-Play WANT Willing No Way

Gender Play
(Cross-Dressing) WANT Willing No Way

Rape-Fantasy Scenes WANT Willing No Way

Mind Sex WANT Willing No Way

Slave Training WANT Willing No Way

Goddess Worship WANT Willing No Way

Financial Domination WANT Willing No Way

Foot/Boot Worship WANT Willing No Way

Sex Games WANT Willing No Way

Dive Deeper: Download the expanded Kink Communication List at:

www.mistressjaiya.com/KCCL.

My own Kink Communication List is still not enough. Each of these

activities could mean one thing to one person and another thing to
someone else. So ideally, the best thing to do with it is to have a discus-
sion. When your play partner suggests you try an activity, respond with,
“Well, what do you mean by that?” Now you can negotiate from a place
of informed consent versus just saying yes to an activity that could mean
something completely different from what you were thinking.

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