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1he ch||d's
goa| |s:
If the parent]
teacher fee|s:
And tends to
react by:
And |f the ch||d's
response |s:
1he 8e||ef beh|nd
ch||d's behav|or |s:
now adu|ts may
contr|bute:
Coded messages
arent]teacher proact|ve
and empower|ng
responses |nc|ude:
Undue
Attent|on
.
(Lo keep
oLhers busy
or geL speclal
servlce)
Annoyed
lrrlLaLed
Worrled
CullLy
8emlndlng
Coaxlng
uolng Lhlngs for Lhe
chlld he/she could
do for hlm/herself
SLops Lemporarlly, buL
laLer resumes same or
anoLher dlsLurblng
behavlor.
SLops when glven one-
on-one aLLenLlon.
l counL (belong)
only when l'm
belng noLlced or
geLLlng speclal
servlce.
l'm only lmporLanL
when l'm keeplng
you busy wlLh me.
"l don'L have falLh ln
you Lo deal wlLh
dlsappolnLmenL."
"l feel gullLy lf you
aren'L happy."
Not|ce Me
.
Invo|ve Me
Usefu||y
8edlrecL by lnvolvlng chlld ln a useful
Lask Lo galn useful aLLenLlon,
Say whaL you wlll do, "l love you and
____." (Lxample: "l care abouL you and
wlll spend Llme wlLh you laLer.")
Avold speclal servlces,
Say lL only once and Lhen acL,
Pave falLh ln chlld Lo deal wlLh feellngs
(don'L flx or rescue),
lan speclal Llme,
SeL up rouLlnes,
Lngage chlld ln problem-solvlng,
use famlly/class meeLlngs,
lgnore (Louch wlLhouL words),
SeL up nonverbal slgnals.
M|sgu|ded
ower
.
(Lo be boss)
Angry
Challenged
1hreaLened
uefeaLed
llghLlng
Clvlng ln
1hlnklng "?ou
can'L geL away
wlLh lL" or
"l'll make you"
WanLlng Lo be
rlghL
lnLenslfles behavlor
ueflanL compllance
leels he/she's won
when parenL/Leacher
ls upseL
asslve ower
l belong only when
l'm boss, ln conLrol,
or provlng no one
can boss me.
?ou can'L make me.
"l'm ln conLrol and
you musL do whaL l
say."
"l belleve LhaL Lelllng
you whaL Lo do, and
lecLurlng or punlshlng
you when you don'L
do lL, ls Lhe besL way
Lo moLlvaLe you Lo do
beLLer."
Let Me ne|p
.
G|ve Me
Cho|ces
Acknowledge LhaL you can'L make
hlm/her do someLhlng and redlrecL Lo
poslLlve power by asklng for help,
Cffer a llmlLed cholce,
uon'L flghL and don'L glve ln,
WlLhdraw from confllcL and calm down,
8e flrm and klnd,
AcL, don'L Lalk,
ueclde whaL you wlll do,
LeL rouLlnes be Lhe boss,
uevelop muLual respecL,
CeL help from chlld Lo seL reasonable
and few llmlLs,
racLlce follow-Lhrough,
use famlly/class meeLlngs.
kevenge
.
(Lo geL even)
PurL
ulsappolnLed
ulsbellevlng
ulsgusLed
8eLallaLlng
CeLLlng even
1hlnklng "Pow
could your do Lhls
Lo me?"
1aklng behavlor
personally
8eLallaLes
PurL oLhers
uamages properLy
CeLs even
lnLenslfles
LscalaLes Lhe same
behavlor or chooses
anoLher weapon
l don'L Lhlnk l
belong so l'll hurL
oLhers as l feel hurL.
l can'L be llked or
loved.
"l glve advlce (wlLhouL
llsLenlng Lo you)
because l Lhlnk l'm
helplng."
"l expecL you Lo know
why l focus more on
your grades Lhan l
focus on you as a
person."
I'm nurt|ng
.
Va||date My
Iee||ngs
Acknowledge hurL feellngs,
uon'L Lake behavlor personally,
Avold punlshmenL and reLallaLlon,
8ulld LrusL,
use reflecLlve llsLenlng,
Share your feellngs,
Apologlze,
Make amends,
Show you care,
AcL, don'L Lalk,
Lncourage sLrengLhs,
uL klds ln same boaL,
use famlly/class meeLlngs.
Assumed
Inadequacy
.
(Lo glve up
and be lefL
alone)
uespalr
Popeless
Pelpless
lnadequaLe
Clvlng up
uolng for
Cver helplng
Showlng a lack of
falLh
8eLreaLs furLher
asslve
no lmprovemenL
no response
Avold Lrylng
l don'L belleve l can
belong, so l'll
convlnce oLhers noL
Lo expecL anyLhlng
of me,
l am helpless and
unable,
lL's no use Lrylng
because l won'L do
lL rlghL.
"l expecL you Lo llve
up Lo my hlgh
expecLaLlons."
"l LhoughL lL was my
[ob Lo do Lhlngs for
you."
Don't G|ve Up
Cn Me
.
Show Me A
Sma|| Step
8reak Lask down Lo small sLeps,
Make Lask easler unLll chlld experlences
success,
SeL up opporLunlLles for success,
1ake Llme for Lralnlng,
1each skllls/show how, buL don'L do for,
SLop all crlLlclsm,
Lncourage any poslLlve aLLempL, no
maLLer how small,
Show falLh ln chlld's ablllLles,
locus on asseL,
uon'L plLy,
uon'L glve up,
Ln[oy Lhe chlld,
8ulld on hls/her lnLeresLs,
use famlly/class meeLlngs.
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M|staken Goa| Chart