How to Talk Dirty and Influence People

An Autobiography by Lenny Bruce a.b.e-book v3.0 / Notes at EOF Back Cover: "Here he is, Lenny in his own words, words that mean almost more today in this age of Jesse Helms and George Bush than when they were first uttered. "Saint Lenny. . . died for our sins. As the pendulum slowly shifts, we are bac in such conser!ati!e times as those that spawned him in the first place, and so now"s the time to read him." ## $%&' (H) *+(%&,-.(*&+ B/ )%*. B&G&S*A+ Lenny Bruce, the scathing and hilarious social satirist and comedian, died in 0122 at age 34 of a morphine o!erdose. ,uring the course of a career that began in the late 0134s, he challenged the sanctity of organi5ed religion and other societal and political con!entions he percei!ed as ha!ing hypocritical tendencies, and widened the boundaries of free speech. His performances were intensely contro!ersial for both the sub6ect matter and the !ocabulary employed, and his fight for the freedom of e7pression has made possible the wor of subse8uent generations of pro!ocati!e performers. .ritic %alph Gleason said, "So many taboos ha!e been lifted and so many comics ha!e rushed through the doors Lenny opened. He utterly changed the world of comedy." "(he word"s suppression gi!es it the power, the !iolence, the !iciousness." ## Lenny Bruce

$*%)S*,) %oc efeller .enter 09:4 A!enue of the Americas +ew /or , +ew /or 04494 .opyright ; 012:, 0123, 012< by =layboy *ntroduction copyright ; 0119 by )ric Bogosian All rights reser!ed including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. $irst $ireside )dition, 0119 =ublished by arrangement with =layboy )nterprises, *nc., 2>4 +orth La e Shore ,ri!e, .hicago, *llinois, 24200 $*%)S*,) and colophon are registered trademar s of Simon ? Schuster *nc. 'anufactured in the -nited States of America 02 0< 03

Library of .ongress .ataloging#in#=ublication ,ata Bruce, Lenny.

How to tal dirty and influence people@ an autobiographyA by Lenny Bruce@ with a new introduction by )ric Bogosian. ## 0st $ireside ed. p. cm. "A $ireside boo ." 0. Bruce, Lenny. 9. .omedians ## -nited States ## Biography. =+99>B.BB92A: 0119 B19.B"49> ## dc94 CBD 19#>>B .*= *SB+ 4#2B0#B<04>#<

* dedicate this boo to all the followers of .hrist and his teachingsE in particular to a true .hristian ## Jimmy Hoffa ## because he hired e7#con!icts as, * assume, .hrist would ha!e.

Introduction
As long as * can remember, *"!e li ed the wor of Lenny Bruce. * li ed him before *"d e!en heard of him, before *"d heard his routines. How is that possibleF Because Lenny was always there. His dar , se7y, idealistic, smir ing humor was there when my parents were drin ing martinis, doing the cha#cha, and flirting with their suburban neighbors. *t was there when * was dri!ing cross#country, chain#smo ing 6oints, eating blac beauties, and groo!ing to .oltrane and Hendri7 on the eight#trac . *t was there when * was doing the pun roc death trip in the dar canyons of 'anhattan. Lenny was there through it all, the spirit of Hipness past, present, and future. Saint Lenny, * should call himE he died for our sins. As the pendulum slowly shifts, we are bac in such conser!ati!e times as those that spawned him in the first place, and so now"s the time to read him. Attitude is what Lenny Bruce is all about. He was the genius of Attitude. *f you dig Lenny, you dig the Attitude. Lenny was one of the bridges e7isting between post#war African#American culture and the "counterculture" culture of the "24s and "B4s. Just as the %olling Stones and the Animals ripped off % ? B, or '(G absorbed rap music, Lenny hoo ed into the 6a55 mentality. Growing up in the suburbs * got to now Lenny through his albums and primarily through How to Talk Dirty. . . (his boo was part of a secret collection of sacred te7ts that unloc ed the doors of hipness and rebellion. *n 01B4, if you were hip to Lenny Bruce, you were hip. As the years ha!e gone by, Lenny has become more an icon than a force. )!eryone has an idea of what Lenny Bruce stood for, but it is !ague and general H"He was. . . you now. . . dar , cool, hip"I. H* am often compared to Lenny Bruce. =eople e!en say * loo li e him. * say, "* don"t loo anything li e Lenny Bruce. * loo li e ,ustin Hoffman in the mo!ie Lenny.I *f you"re li e me, Lenny has been an influence, good and bad. By the mid#"B4s, the Lenny#as#martyr mythology was solidly in place HAlbert Goldman"s cynical biography

Ladies and entle!en" Lenny #r$%e&& and the Julian Barry play Lenny only ser!ed to ma e the foundation more secureI. (he Gietnam Jar had become an "e7perience" in the past tense and little did anyone now that America was soon to be engulfed in the postmodern fascistic antics of the %eaganites. *n the "B4s, the idea of the "24s got cleaned up and polished. )!eryone had long hair, e!eryone had been against the war, men were becoming more sensiti!e, blac people were wonderful, it was cool to be gay. . . "yadda# yadda#yadda" Has Lenny would sayI. *n the "B4s e!eryone wanted to be cool. And no one wanted to grow up. (he new attitudes turned out to be mostly !eneer, but we believed that we belie!ed them. And presiding o!er our glorious and heartfelt beliefs Huntested by life or life"s problemsI were the Saints of the +ew Attitude. Among the saints were John Lennon, Bob ,ylan, Jim 'orrison, Abbie Hoffman, Lenny Bruce. Basically a lot of white men. Jhite men on drugs with groupies. '(l$s )a %han*e . . . .+ .entral to the philosophy of the +ew Attitude was the notion that a Big Bad ,addy Go!ernment was suppressing and repressing all of us. H)asy to belie!e after Gietnam and Jatergate.I Je wanted more and better political action Hwithout the comple7ities of politicsI and we needed more and better freedom Hwithout the dangers of o!erdose, !eneral disease, or po!ertyI. 'oney was out, lifestyle was in. Je wanted a "bra!e new world" that was founded on -topian principlesE where there would be no hypocrisyE where lo!e would rule and wars would be banished. Jhere e!eryone would be nice to each other, and we could be high all day, and no one would wor at anything they didn"t feel li e doing and no one e!er got sic or died. Je 6ust had to get away from Big Bad ,addy. Je had to get out of the house. And we wanted the eys to the car. Lenny was a wor er. He "wanted it" Hto 8uote his character Buddy Bob the car salesmanI. And he gigged and he gigged and he gigged in "toilets," 6a55 clubs, e!erywhere, and anywhere. As he said himself, he was only too happy to "sell out." (hat meant appearances on (G. But he didn"t mesh with such a tidy commercial en!ironment. He de!eloped 6a55 habits@ en6oying one"s wor , doing it for the sa e of e7pression and fun, e7ploring new ground, ta ing chances. (hese were 6a55 laws, and Lenny brought them to comedy. HAlso chec out Lord Buc ley, Jonathan Jinters, %edd $o77.I He also brought the attitude of minority culture with its endless self put#down and riffing about "the 'an" and its conspiratorial posture of the inside 6o e, using code words and phrases HLenny somehow melded Blac and /iddish !ernacularI. HA couple of years ago * paid homage to Lenny by dropping by one of his fa!orite spots in San $ranciso, the Hungry i. *t"s now a strip 6oint and when * po ed my head in the door the woman at the counter said ".an * help you with somethingF" * said, "* 6ust want to ta e a loo at the place, someone * now used to play here." She said "Jhat"s his nameF" * said "Lenny Bruce." She said "Jhat instument does he playF"I (he attitude of rebellion and new#found freedom was genuine for a young Jewish guy in the late "<4s or a Blac in the "24s. *t was becoming &K, e!en cool, to admit to being Jewish or Blac . HLenny mentions that in the armed forces, as late as JJ**, being a Jew was almost always noticed and remar ed upon.I As minorities these groups, brought together in Lenny"s 6a55#yiddish lingo, had genuine gripes. (he ci!il rights battles were heating up down South. (he stereotyped Southern %acist or +orthern $ull#of#Shit

Liberal were perfect targets for Lenny"s underdog politics. And a perfect e7pression of rebellion for the millions of well#to#do suburban youth who wanted out of ,addy and 'ommy"s house so they could "do their thing." (he Saints of the .hurch of Attitude built a solid foundation of idealism for my generation with their full#tilt pacificism, their lo!e of life, their belief in tolerance of all people, their put#down of hate. (o be truthful, if you dig deeply enough, a morality lies under the ideas of Lenny Bruce. Albert Goldman pointed out in his biography that e!en though the libertine hippies of the "24s championed Lenny Bruce, Lenny did not dream of world of anarchy where e!erybody did whate!er he or she wanted. +o, Lenny dreamed of a world of lo!e and order where 6ustice pre!ailed. He died with that dream on his lips. And in his death, li e so many roc stars after him, he was sainted. Lenny disco!ered as he de!eloped Hand this autobiography mar s the beginning of the highest plateau Lenny occupied during his short lifeI that full#blown idealism in his art was his secret weapon. By riffing the same way that he and his buddies did pri!ately bac stage or in cheapo coffee shops, but before a payin* audience, he could blow people"s minds. =eople wanted to hear more of the +ew Attitude. (hey wanted to 8uestion organi5ed religion, se7ual mores, capitalism, and war. (he economy was e7panding yearly and people wanted to sha e off their dusty clothes and ta e a bath of idealism. Kennedy was elected on a platform of adolescent high hopes 6ust as Lenny was reaching his pea , and Lenny found it appropriate to endorse .amelot. Jith this presidential candidate, e!en Lenny sheathed his sword. And that sword was sharp. Lenny set the all#time high standard for an entertainer obser!ing and dissecting his own society and culture. Li e a surgeon he probed and sliced, always on the loo out for inconsistency or misguided emotion or 6ingoism or greed or !anity. He attac ed our self#satisfaction and our well#meaning hypocrisy. And he did it through funny stories and characters. Because he was always e7perimenting he often went astray of substance, but no one has hit the bull"s eye the way he did. His description of Jesus and 'oses !isiting Saint =atric "s .athedral or his impersonation of a white liberal "entertaining his colored friend" or his simple description of the Lone %anger"s loneliness are classic. And as "sic " or "fun y" as he was, he spo e his words with lo!e and generosity. Je, the "24s generation, copped all this good stuff. But we also inherited some dubious stuff. Because if you"re going to adopt the attitude of a bunch of bac stage, mari6uana#smo ing beatni s, you"re going to inherit a few "flaws." $irst of all, these bohemians had a real commitment to noncommitmentE they had a mania for irresponsibility. (his was part of the +ew Attitude as well, and a part that was harmless, e!en constructi!e, at the time. *n How to Talk Dirty. . . " Lenny blithely describes rip#offs and hustles, white lies and put#ons, goof#ups and escapades, promiscuity and into7icated bouts more fitting to the beha!ior of a teenager hanging out in .oney *sland than that of a :> year old with a wife and a daughter. =hotos from that time show Lenny repeatedly getting arrested with a loo on his face li e "Get thisL" Life"s 6ust a 6o e, rightF *f you ha!e an affection toward Lenny as * do, then perhaps you want your dose straight, without the mystification and blurriness that come with the passing down of legend. So here he is, Lenny in his own words, words that mean almost more today in this age of Jesse Helms and George Bush than when they were first uttered. * lo!e Lenny

Bruce because he put himself out there. Because he wasn"t perfect, but he tried. Because he was !ulnerable. He was a big id, but a big id with a heart, and a mind, and a mouth. He ga!e us a great gift, a !ision we may ne!er attain, but one we must ne!er lose sight of@ a world of lo!e. ## )ric Bogosian ,ecember 0110

Foreword
by enneth Tynan .onstant, abrasi!e irritation produces the pearl@ it is a disease of the oyster. Similarly ## according to Gusta!e $laubert ## the artist is a disease of society. By the same to en, Lenny Bruce is a disease of America. (he !ery e7istence of comedy li e his is e!idence of unease in the body politic. .lass chafes against class, ignorance against intelligence, puritanism against pleasure, ma6ority against minority, easy hypocrisy against hard sincerity, white against blac , 6ingoism against internationalism, price against !alue, sale against ser!ice, suspicion against trust, death against life ## and out of all these collisions and contradictions there emerges the troubled !oice of Lenny Bruce, a night#club .assandra bringing news of impending chaos, a tightrope wal er between morality and nihilism, a pearl miscast before swine. (he message he bears is simple and basic@ whate!er releases people and brings them together is good, and whate!er confines and separates them is bad. (he worst drag of all is warE in didactic moments Bruce li es to remind his audience that " "(hou shalt not ill" !eans ,$st that.- Although he occasionally in!o es .hrist as source material, * thin he would applaud a statement recently made by Jayland /oung, an )nglish writer and agnostic, in a boo called Eros Denied.
"Christian and post-Christian and Communist culture is a eunuch; pornography is his severed balls; thermonuclear weapons are his staff of office. If there is anything sadder than a eunuch it is his balls; if there is anything more deadly than impotence it is murder."

*f it is sic to agree with that, then God preser!e us from health. (his may be the time to point out the primary fact about Bruce, which is that he is e7tremely funny. *t is easy to lea!e that out when writing about him ## to pass o!er the s ill with which he plays his audience as an angler plays a big#game fish, and the magical timing, born of burles8ue origins and 6a55 upbringing, that triggers off the sudden, startled yell of laughter. But he is seldom funny without an ulterior moti!e. /ou s8uirm as you smile. Jith Bruce a smile is not an end in itself, it is in!ariably a means. Jhat begins as pure hilarity may end in self#accusation. Jhen, for e7ample, he tells the story of the unhappily married couple who achie!e togetherness in the e!ening of their li!es by disco!ering that they both ha!e gonorrhea, your first reaction is laughterE but when you go on to consider your own far#from#perfect marriage, held together Hit may beI by lo!eless habit or financial necessity or fear of social disappro!al ## all of which are

moti!es less concrete and intimate than !enereal disease ## your laughter may cool off into a pu55led frown of self#scrutiny. /ou begin to reflect that there are worse fates than the clapE that a curable physical sic ness may e!en be preferable, as a source of togetherness, to a social or spiritual sic ness for which no cure is a!ailable. And thus another taboo is dented. Bruce is the sharpest denter of taboos at present acti!e in show business. Alone among those who wor the clubs, he is a true iconoclast. &thers 6osh, snipe and ribE only Bruce demolishes. He brea s through the barrier of laughter to the hori5on beyond, where the truth has its sanctuary. =eople say he is shoc ing and they are 8uite correct. =art of his purpose is to force us to redefine what we mean by "being shoc ed." Je all feel impersonally outraged by racialismE but when Bruce mimics a white liberal who meets a +egro at a party and instantly assumes that he must now a lot of people in show business, we feel a twinge of recognition and personal implication. =o!erty and star!ation, which afflict more than half of the human race, enrage us ## if at all ## only in a distant, generali5ed wayE yet we are roused to a state of !engeful fury when Bruce ma es public use of harmless, fruitful syllables li e "come" Hin the sense of orgasmI and "fuc ." Jhere righteous indignation is concerned, we ha!e clearly got our priorities mi7ed up. (he point about Bruce is that he wants us to be shoc ed, b$t by the ri*ht thin*s/ not by four#letter words, which !iolate only con!ention, but by want and depri!ation, which !iolate human dignity. (his is not to deny that he has a disenchanted !iew of man ind as a whole. )!en his least Swiftian bit, the monolog about a brash and incompetent American comic who tries to con8uer the London =alladium, ends with the hero winning the cheers of the audience by urging them, in a burst of sadistic inspiration, to "screw the *rish." But the cynicism is 6ust a faMade. Bruce has the heart of an unfroc ed e!angelist. * first saw him si7 years ago in a cellar room under the ,uane Hotel in +ew /or . Lean and pallid, with close#cropped blac hair, he tal ed about %eligions, *nc., a soft# selling ecumenical group on 'adison A!enue whose main purpose was to render the image of Billy Graham indistinguishable from that of =ope John. H"Listen, Johnny, when you come out to the .oast, wear the bi* rin*.-+ .lutching a hand mi e, he slouched around a tiny dais, free#associating li e madE grinning as he impro!ised, caring as he grinned, seldom repeating in the second show what he said in the first, and often conducting what amounted to a rush 6ob of psychoanalysis on the audience he was addressing. He used words as a 6a55 musician uses notes, going off into fantastic pri!ate caden5as and digressions, and returning to his theme 6ust when you thought he had lost trac of it fore!er. * saw him at the ,uane four times, with four separate groups of friends. Some found him offensi!e ## a reaction they smartly concealed by calling him boring. &thers thought him self#indulgent, because he felt his way into the audience"s confidence by means of e7ploratory impro!isation, instead of plunging straight into rehearsed routines. Among my guests, he was not uni!ersally li ed. "Jhere"s Lenny BruceF" ",own the ,uane," so ran a popular riposte. ,uring the ,uane engagement * met him for the first time ## an archetypal night person, hypersensiti!e, laconic and withdrawn. (erry Southern once said that a hipster was someone who had deliberately decided to ill a part of himself in order to ma e life bearable. He nows that by doing this he is cutting himself off from many positi!e emotions as well as the negati!e,

destructi!e ones he see s to a!oidE but on balance he feels that the sacrifice is worth while. By this definition Bruce was Hand isI authentically, indelibly hip. *n the years that followed, it was not Bruce but my friends who impro!ed. &ne by one they began to disco!er that they had always admired him. * recalled a saying of Gertrude Stein"s@ "A creator is not in ad!ance of his generation but he is the first of his contemporaries to be conscious of what is happening to his generation." Bruce was fully, 8ui!eringly conscious, and audiences in .hicago and San $rancisco started to respond to his manner and his message. So did the police of these and other great cities, rightly detecting in this uncompromising outsider a threat to con!entional mores. Arrests began, on narcotics and obscenity charges, but Bruce pressed on, a long#distance runner whose loneliness was now applauded by liberals e!erywhere, including those tardy con!erts, my chums in 'anhattan. 'ort Sahl, brilliant but essentially nonsub!ersi!e, had long been their pet satiristE but the election of John $. Kennedy robbed Sahl of most of his animus, which had been directed toward )isenhower from the lame left wing of the ,emocratic =arty. *t became clear that Bruce was tapping a !ein of satire that went much deeper than the puppet warfare of the two#party system. Jhiche!er group was in power, his criticisms remained !alid. 'yself, * wished he had broadened his !iewpoint by a little selecti!e reading of 'ar7 as well as $reudE but that, * suppose, is too much to e7pect of any comic operating west of )astport, 'aine. *n the spring of 0129, he paid his first and Hthus farI only !isit to London, where he appeared for a few e7plosi!e wee s at (he )stablishment, a Soho night club de!oted to satire and run by =eter .oo of #eyond the Frin*e. .lad in a blac tunic sans lapels, as worn by the late =andit +ehru, he roamed out on stage in his usual mood of tormented derisionE 14 minutes later there was little room for doubt that he was the most original, free#spea ing, wild#thin ing gymnast of language our inhibited island had e!er hired to beguile its citi5ens. * made notes of the ideas he toyed with on opening night, and herewith reproduce them@
"The smoking of marijuana should be encouraged because it does not induce lung cancer. Children ought to watch pornographic movies it!s healthier than learning about se" from #ollywood. $enereal disease is news only when poor people catch it. %ublicity is stronger than sanity given the right %&' armpit hair on female singers could become a national fetish. (ascism in )merica is kept solvent by the left-wing hunger for persecution !*iberals will buy anything any bigot writes.! If +orman Thomas' the senior )merican ,ocialist' were to be elected %resident' he would have to find a minority to hate. It might conceivably be midgets -- in which case his campaign slogan would run !,mack a midget for +orm.! "

He went on to tal about the nuances of race relations, with special emphasis on whites who cherish the +egro cause but somehow ne!er ha!e +egroes to dinnerE about a prison mo!ie to end them all Hstarring Ann ,!ora , .harles Bic ford and +at =endletonI in which the riot is 8uelled by a chaplin named $ather $lots yE about the difficulties of guiltless masturbation, and the psychological duplicity H"*t"s a horny hoa7"I in!ol!ed in sleeping en6oyably with a prostituteE about pain of many inds, and laughter, and dying. At times he drawled and mumbled too pri!ately, lapsing into a le7icon of /iddish phrases borrowed from the showbi5 world that reared him. But by the end of the e!ening he had crashed through frontiers of language and feeling that * had hitherto thought impregnable.

(he British comedian Jonathan 'iller, who watched the performance in something li e awe, agreed with me afterward that Bruce was a bloodbath where #eyond the Frin*e had been a pinpric . Je were dealing with something formerly un nown in Britain@ an impromptu prose poet who trusted his audience so completely that he could tal in public no less outspo enly than he would tal in pri!ate. His trust was misplaced. Scarcely a night passed during his brief so6ourn at (he )stablishment without !ocal protests from offended customers, sometimes bac ed up by clenched fistsE and this, at a members#only club, is rare in London. (he actress Siobhan 'cKenna came with a party and noisily rose to lea!e in the middle of Bruce"s actE it seems she was outraged by his attitude toward the %oman .hurch. &n her way out =eter .oo sought to remonstrate with her, whereupon she sei5ed his tie while one of her escorts belted him s8uarely on the nose. "(hese are *rish hands," cried 'iss 'cKenna dramatically, "and they"re cleanL" "(his is an )nglish face," replied 'r. .oo crisply, "and it"s bleeding." A few days later a bris , pin #faced se7tet of young affluents from London"s stoc bro er belt boo ed a ringside table. (hey sat, half#heartedly sniggering, through 6o es about money#ma ing, se7ual contact with +egroes, onanism as an alternati!e to G.,., and genetic ha5ards proceeding from fall#out. Suddenly Bruce !entured on to the sub6ect of cigarettes and lung cancer. At once, as if in obedience to some tribal summons, the bris , pin , stoc bro er host sprang to his feet. "All right," he said tersely, "Susan, .harles, SoniaL .ancerL .ome onL 0an%er& All outL" And mee ly, in single file, they marched out through the door. Bruce ept tape recordings of both the 'cKenna and the cancer demonstrations, and made unsparing use of them on subse8uent e!enings. At the end of his engagement he was rushed out of the country with the conser!ati!e press baying at his heels. (he following year, =eter .oo applied for permission to bring him bac to London. (he Home Secretary brus8uely turned down the applicationE Bruce, it seemed, was classified as an undesirable alien. H&ff stage, he appears to ha!e beha!ed 8uite desirably, apart from a rumored occasion when the manager of a London hotel, awa ened by complaining guests, strode into Bruce"s room at four A.'. to find him conducting a trio of blondes whom he had taught to sing "=lease lo!e me, Lenny" in three#part harmony.I *n 012: the )arl of Harewood in!ited him to ta e part in an *nternational ,rama .onference at the )dinburgh $esti!al. ,espite the august source of the in!itation, the Home &ffice once again said noE and as * write, the edict still holds. Lenny Bruce is too wild an import for British officialdom to stomach. Je miss him, and the ner!e#fraying, 6a55#digging, pain#hating, se7#lo!ing, lie# shunning, bomb#loathing life he represents. (here are times when * wish he would settle in )urope, for long enough at least to reali5e that capitalism ## from which so many of his targets deri!e ## is not necessarily a permanent and unchangeable fact of human e7istence. But e!en if he died tomorrow, he would deser!e more than a footnote in any history of modern Jestern culture. * ha!e heard him described, somewhat portentously, as "the man on America"s conscience." Hyperbole li e that would not appeal to Lenny Bruce. "+o," * can hear him dissenting, "let"s say the man who went down on America"s conscience. . ."

Chapter !ne
$ilipinos come 8uic E colored men are built abnormally large H"(heir wangs loo li e a baby"s arm with an apple in its fist"IE ladies with short hair are LesbiansE if you want to eep your man, rub alum on your pussy. Such bits of erotic fol lore were related daily to my mother by 'rs. Janes y, a middle#aged widow who li!ed across the alley, despite the fact that she had !olumes of boo s deli!ered by the postman e!ery month ## 1 2ane 2e3 Li4e" Ovid the od o4 Love" How to 5ake 6o$r 5arria*e (artner 5ore 0o!patible ## in plain brown wrappers mar ed "=ersonal." She would begin in a pedantic fashion, using academic medical terminology, but within ten minutes she would be spouting her hoary hornyisms. (heir con!ersation drifted to me as * sat under the sin , pic ing at the ripped linoleum, daydreaming and staring at my Aunt 'ema"s =ri!ate Business, guarded by its sin mate, the !igilant .#+ bottle, !anguard of Lysol, Nonite and 'assengill. At this tender age, * new nothing of douches. (he only difference between men and women was that women always had headaches and didn"t li e whistling or cap gunsE and men didn"t li e women ## that is, women they were married to. Aunt 'ema"s =ri!ate Business, the portable bidet, was a large red#rubber bulb with a long blac no55le. * could ne!er figure out what the hell it was for. * thought maybe it was an enema bag for people who li!ed in buildings with a super who wouldn"t allow anyone to put up nails to hang things onE * wondered if it was the horn that Harpo 'ar7 s8uee5ed to punctuate his silent sentences. All * new was that it definitely was not to be used for water#gun battles, and that what it way for was none of my business. Jhen you"re eight years old, nothing is any of your business. All my in8uiries about Aunt 'ema"s large red#rubber bulb, or why hair grew from the mole on her face and nowhere else, or how come the talcum powder stuc between her nay#nays, would get the same answer@ "/ou now too much already, go outside and play." Her fear of my becoming a preteen Leopold or Loeb was responsible for my getting more fresh air than any other id in the neighborhood. *n 01:9 you really heard that word a lot ## "business." But it wasn"t, "* wonder what happened to the business." )!eryone new what happened to the business. (here wasn"t any. "(hat dumb bastard =resident Hoo!er" was blamed for dri!ing us into the ,epression by people who didn"t necessarily ha!e any interest in politics, but 6ust li ed saying "(hat dumb bastard =resident Hoo!er." * would sit all alone through endless hours and days, scratching out my homewor on the red Big Boy (ablet, in our itchen with the shiny, flowered oilcloth, the icebo7 s8uatting o!er the pan that constantly o!erflowed, and the o!erhead light, bare sa!e for a long brown string with a not on the end, where flies fell in lo!e. * sort of felt sorry for the damn flies. (hey ne!er hurt anybody. )!en though they were supposed to carry disease, * ne!er heard anybody say he caught anything from a fly. 'y cousin ga!e two guys the clap, and nobody e!er whac ed her with a newspaper.

(he desperate tension of the ,epression was lessened for me by my =hilco radio with the little yellow#orange dial and the blac numbers in the center. Jhat a dear, sweet friend, my wooden radio, with the sensual cloth webbing that separated its cathedralli e architecture from the mass air#wa!e propaganda * was absorbing ## it was the beginning of an awareness of a whole new fantasy culture. . . "Jump on the 'anhattan 'erry#Go#%ound ## the Highway, the Byway, to +ew /or (own. . ." "And here comes .aptain Andy now. . ." (he biggest swinger was 'r. $irst#+ighter. He always had a car waiting for him. "(a e me to the little theater off (imes S8uare." Barbara Luddy and Les (remayne. And Joe =enner said@ "Hyu , hyu , hyu ." "Jith a cloud of dust, the speed of light and a hearty Hi-6o 2ilver 1way&=rocter ? Gamble pro!ided many $ulbright and Guggenheim fellowship winners with the same formati!e e7posure. Long *sland had loads of screen doors and porches. Screen doors to push your nose against, porches to hide under. *t always smelled funny under the porch. * had a continuing !ision of one day crawling under there and finding a large cache of money, which * would spend nobly on my mother and aunt ## but not until they e7plained the under#the#sin apparatusE and, if there was enough money, perhaps 'ema would e!en demonstrate it for me. * would usually hide under the porch until it came time to "get it." "/ou 6ust wait till your father comes, then you"re really gonna get it." * always thought what a pain in the ass it would be to be a father. /ou ha!e to wor hard all day and then, instead of resting when you come home, you ha!e to "gi!e it" to someone. * didn"t "get it" as much as other ids, though, because my mother and father were di!orced. * had to wait until !isiting days to "get it." * loo bac in tender relished anger, and * can smell the damp newspapers that waited on the porch for the Goodwill ## they ne!er pic ed up anything we ga!e them because we ne!er had it pac ed right ## and * can hear the muffled !oices through the erosene sto!e. "'ic ey, * don"t now what we"re going to do with Lenny. He was so fresh to 'ema. /ou now what he as edF" (hen they would all laugh hysterically. And then my father would s%hlep me from under the porch and whac the crap out of me. $or being fresh to 'ema. $or forgetting to change my good clothes after school and catching my corduroy nic ers on a nail. And for whistling. * would e!en "get it" for whistling. * used to lo!e to whistle. (he first tune * learned to whistle was 1!apola. "Amapola, my pretty little poppy. . ." * recei!ed most of my musical education from the sounds that wafted from the alley of Angelo"s Bar and Grille, Ladies *n!ited, $ree Lunch. * was enthralled with the disco!ery of the 6u ebo7@ a machine that didn"t sew, drill, boil or illE a machine solely for fun. Angelo, the ta!ern eeper, was a classic illustration of onomatopoeia. He laughed "HarL HarL HarL" He tal ed e7actly li e the balloons in comic strips. Jhen he was

disturbed, he would say "(chL (chL (chL" (o e7press contempt, he would "HarrumphL" * ept waiting to hear Angelo"s dog say "ArfL ArfL" He ne!er made a sound. * told this to %ussell Swan, the oil painter, sometime house painter and town drun . He replied that the dog had been interbred with a giraffe ## a reference * didn"t understand, but which crac ed up the erudite 'r. Swan. *t must be lonesome, being bright and witty and aware, but li!ing in a town where you can"t relate to people in all areas. 'r. Swan ga!e me the first boo * e!er read, %ichard Halliburton"s 7oyal 7oad to 7o!an%e" the tale of a world tra!eler who continually searches for beauty and inner peace. * lo!ed to read. ",on"t read at the table," * would be told. "Jhy do they put stuff on the cereal bo7 if they don"t want you to readF" "+ot at the table." Jhen * get big, * thought, *"ll read anywhere * want. . . standing on the subway@ "Jhat"s that you"re reading, sirF" "A cereal bo7." * almost always made a good score in bac of Angelo"s Bar and GrilleE the loot consisted of deposit bottles. But there was a hang#up ## you could ne!er find anyone willing to cash them. (he most sought#after pri5e was the large Hoffman bottle, which brought a fi!e#cent bounty. 'r. Geraldo, our neighborhood grocer, cashed my mother"s relief chec and so he new we had barely enough money for staples. (herefore, the lu7ury of soda pop in deposit bottles was ob!iously far beyond our economic sphere. Besides, he couldn"t relate to children. He disli ed them because they made him ner!ous. ".ould * ha!e a glass of water, pleaseF" "+o, the water"s bro en." Jhen * brought the bottles to him, he would interrogate me without an ounce of mercy. ",id you buy these hereF Jhen did you buy themF" * would always fall prey to his &lga#of#*nterpol tactics. "/es, * thin we bought them here." (hen he would finger# thump me on the bac of the head, as if he were testing a watermelon. "Get the hell outta here, you ne!er bought any soda here. *"m going to report your mother to the Jelfare man and ha!e him ta e her chec away." * could hear the Jelfare man saying to 'ema@ "/our nephew ## you now, the one who nows too much already ## he"s been arrested on a ,eposit Bottle .harge. Je ha!e to ta e your chec away." (hen where would 'ema goF Je would all ha!e to li!e under the porch, with the funny smell. (hat was the big threat of the day ## ta ing the chec away. Generalities spewed forth@ (he goyim were always being threatened with the loss of their chec s because of their presence in bars, and the /idden for their presence in ban s. Another sure way for a family to lose its chec was for any member to be caught going to the mo!ies. But * didn"t worry about that. 'y friend and * would snea in, hide under the seats while the porter was !acuuming, and then, after the newsreel was o!er, we would pop up in the midst of Lou Lehr"s "'ongees is da chrra55iest beeple. . ." Anyway, my ne7t stop with the deposit bottles would be the King Kullen 'ar et.

(he manager stared at me. * returned his stare with no apparent guile. * tried to loo as innocent and Anglo#Sa7on as Jac ie .ooper, pouting, pooched#out lip and all, but *"m sure * loo ed more li e a dwarfed 'aurice .he!alier. "* bought them yesterday ## * don"t now how the dirt and cobwebs got inside. . ." He cashed the bottles and * got my 94 cents. * bought a Liberty maga5ine for my mother. She li ed to read them because the reading time was 8uoted@ "four minutes, three seconds." She used to cloc herself, and her chief aim was to beat the 8uoted time. She always succeeded, but probably ne!er new what the hell she had read. * bought Aunt 'ema a 09#cent 6ar of Gaseline. She ate it by the ton. She was a Gaseline addict. She would rub it on and stic it in anything and e!erything. (o 'ema, carbolated Gaseline was Jewish penicillin. =erhaps at this point * ought to say a little something about my !ocabulary. 'y con!ersation, spo en and written, is usually fla!ored with the 6argon of the hipster, the argot of the underworld, and /iddish. *n the literate sense ## as literate as /iddish can be since it is not a formal language ## "goyish" means "gentile." But that"s not the way * mean to use it. (o me, if you li!e in +ew /or or any other big city, you are Jewish. *t doesn"t matter e!en if you"re .atholicE if you li!e in +ew /or you"re Jewish. *f you li!e in Butte, 'ontana, you"re going to be goyish e!en if you"re Jewish. )!aporated mil is goyish e!en if the Jews in!ented it. .hocolate is Jewish and fudge is goyish. Spam is goyish and rye bread is Jewish. +egroes are all Jews. *talians are all Jews. *rishmen who ha!e re6ected their religion are Jews. 'ouths are !ery Jewish. And bosoms. Baton#twirling is !ery goyish. Georgie Jessel and ,anny (homas are .hristians, because if you loo closely on their bodies you"ll find a boil somewhere. (o trap an old Jewish woman ## they"re crafty and they will lie ## 6ust sei5e one and you will find a hand erchief balled#up in one of her hands. * can understand why we can"t ha!e a Jewish =resident. *t would be embarrassing to hear the =resident"s mother screaming lo!e at the grandchildren@ "Jho"s Grandma"s babyL Jho"s Grandma"s babyL" ". . . And this is .het Huntley in +ew /or . (he $irst Lady"s mother opened the 'acy"s ,ay =arade screaming, 8Oy 9eishint !ine lieber8 and furiously pinching young Stanley"s chee s. . ." Actually, she bit his ass, going "&om, yum yum, is this a tush, whose tushy is thatF" (he Jews are notorious children"s#ass# issers. Gentiles neither bite their children"s asses nor do they hahhh their soup. Gentiles lo!e their children as much as Jews lo!e theirsE they 6ust don"t wear their hearts on their slee!es. &n the other hand, Jewish mothers don"t hang gold stars in their windows. (hey"re not proud of their boys" going into the ser!ice. (hey"re always worried about their being illed. .elebrate is a goyish word. &bser!e is a Jewish word. 'r. and 'rs. Jalsh are %elebratin* .hristmas with 'a6or (homas 'oreland, -SA$ H%et.I, while 'r. and 'rs. Bromberg observed Hanu ah with Goldie and Arthur Schindler from Kiamesha, +ew /or .

(he difference between Jewish and goyish girls is that a gentile girl won"t "touch it once," whereas a Jewish girl will iss you and let you touch it ## your own, that is. (he only Jewish thing about balling is Gaseline. &ne e!entful day, * disco!ered self#gratification. An older id conducted a school, and fi!e of us graduated about the same time. A few days later, * was all set for an afternoon of whac ing it. * had a copy of National eo*raphi%" with pictures of na ed chic s in Africa. *"m sure that when these spade ladies with the taco tits posed for &sa and 'artin Johnson, they ne!er dreamed that they would be part of an 00#year#old satyr"s se7ual fantasy, or they certainly wouldn"t ha!e signed a model"s release. * was propped up in bed, ta ing care of business. * was so in!ol!ed, * didn"t hear the door open. "Leonard, what are you doingF" *t was my fatherL 'y heart stopped. * fro5e. He repeated@ "* said, what are you doingF" (o say it was a traumatic moment would be euphemistic. * had to restrain myself from as ing@ "Jould you wait outside for 6ust a minuteF" He snarled, "*t"s not only disgusting, what you"re doing ## but, goddamnit, in my bedL" He sat down and proceeded to tell me a story, that story we ha!e all heard, with embellishments. *ts grim conclusion left three of our relati!es in state insane asylums ## poor souls who had ne!er been instructed in the wisdom of sleeping with their hands abo!e the co!ers. (he story line implied that this sort of thing was a nighttime practice and was associated with werewol!es and !ampires. (heir punishment was that their hands withered away into wings, and they couldn"t pull it anymore, 6ust fan it a little. * had all sorts of horrendous !isions of my future@ my spine would collapseE my toes would fall off. )!en though * resol!ed ne!er to do it again, * felt * had done some irreparable damage. &h, what a cursed thingL * could see myself on a street corner gi!ing testimony for the ..B.J.A. ## .roo ed Bac Jhac ers Anonymous@ "/ea, brothers, * was of mortal flesh. $ortunately for me, my father wal ed in that day while * was ha!ing my struggle with Satan. Suppose he had not been an obser!ant person, and merely thought * was doing a charade ## committing hari# ari triple time ## what thenF But no, brothers, he new he had a per!ert li!ing under his roofE the most dangerous of them all ## a whac erL * would ha!e to stop. +o tapering off. * would ha!e to stop now& *n the language of the addict"s world, * would ha!e to ic the habit ## cold 6er y. . ."

Chapter Two
* credit the motion picture industry as the strongest en!ironmental factor in molding the children of my day. Andy Hardy@ whistlingE a brown pompadourE a green lawnE a father whose se!erest punishment was ta ing your car away for the wee end. Jarner Ba7ter was a doctor. All priests loo ed li e =at &"Brien. (he superintendent of my school loo ed li e Spencer (racy, and the principal loo ed li e Gincent =rice. * was surprised years later to disco!er they were Spencer (racy

and Gincent =rice. * went to Hollywood High, fol s. Lana (urner sat at the ne7t des , %oland /oung was the )nglish teacher and Joan .rawford taught general science. "She"s got a fabulous body, but she ne!er ta es that shop apron off." Actually, * went to public school in +orth Bellmore, Long *sland, for eight years, up until the fifth grade. * remember the routine of mil at 04@0< and napping on the des ## * hated the smell of that des ## * always used to dribble on the initials. And how enigmatic those well#preser!ed car!ings were to me@ B&&K /&-. 'y friend .armelo, the barber"s son, and * would "buy" our lunch at the little green store. (hat"s what we called the student loc ers from which we stole hot cold lunches. "Let"s see what we"!e got at the little green store today." Je would usually go shopping around 00@:4 on the eighth#grade floor, when e!erybody was in homeroom. .armelo would bust open a loc er. A white paper bagL Jho used white paper bagsF =eople who could afford to buy ba ed goods and ma e their children e7otic sandwiches. (una on date#nut bread, four creme#filled Hydro7 coo ies, a banana which was unreal ## the color wasn"t solid brown, it was yellow tipped with green, and the end wasn"t rotten ## and the last goody@ a nic el, wrapped in wa7 paper. Some people are wrapping frea s ## a little pinch of salt in wa7 paper, pepper in wa7 paper, two radishes that were indi!idually wrapped in wa7 paper. (he thing that really made it erotic was that it was real wa7 paper, not bread#wrapping wa7 paper. .armelo"s father had a barbershop with one chair and a poster in the window showing four different styles of haircuts, and guaranteeing you sure#fire results in securing employment if you would follow the tips on grooming@ "(he $irst (hings an )mployer Loo s at Are Hair, +ails and Shoes." An atomic#energy department head who loo s at these 8ualifications in a 6ob applicant would probably be a faggot. .armelo"s mother was the manicurist and town whore. (hose symbols of my childhood are gone ## what a shameL ## the country doctor, the town whore, the !illage idiot, and the drun en family from the other side of the trac s ha!e been replaced by the .ommunist, the 6un ie, the faggot, and the beatni . =rostitution wasn"t respected and accepted, but * figured that if she was the town whore, then all the people in the town had fuc ed her and had paid her and they were all a part of what she was. * staunchly defended .armelo"s mother. .armelo and * were sitting in the barbershop one lunch hour, drawing mustaches on the people in the Literary Di*est" when 'r. Kran , the assistant principal, wal ed in, loo ed at us and almost shit. 'aybe he had dropped by to pay a !isit to the town whore. He 8uic ly as ed .armelo"s father@ "Got time to gi!e me a trimF" (his really confused me, because 'r. Kran was almost baldE he didn"t ha!e a goddamn hair on top of his head. Je left 6ust as .armelo"s father did away with the sideburns that 'r. Kran treasured so dearly. 'y mother wor ed as a waitress and doubled as a maid in fashionable Long Beach, Long *sland. 'y father was wor ing during the day and going to college at night. His moti!e was to better himself and, in turn, better us all. *f he had graduated, * might not be where * am now. *"m the head of a big firm today, than s to my dad"s foresight in placing handy nowledge at my fingertips. "/ou"re going to ha!e that set of encyclopedias for your birthday," he had pledged. "/ou"re going to ha!e e!erything * ne!er had as a child, e!en if * ha!e to do

without cigarettes." And then, to demonstrate his self#sacrifice, he would roll his own in those rubber roller things that Bugler used to sell. (oday * gi!e my daughter what * really didn"t ha!e as a id. All the silly, dumb, e7tra!agant, frilly, nonfunctional toys * can force on her. She probably wants an encyclopedia. (hat"s how it goes ## one generation sa!es to buy rubbers for the ids on a rainy day, and when it comes they sit out under a tree getting soa ing wet and digging the lightning. 'y father instilled in me a few important beha!ior patterns, one of which was a fantastic dread of being in debt. He e7plained to me such details as how much we owed on the rent, what the coal and light bills were, how much money we had and how long it would last. (a ing me into his confidence li e that made me !ery sensiti!e about my responsibilities to help out. Jhen he"d say, "Jhate!er you want, 6ust as your father," it was li e the clichO picture of the father and son standing on a high building and the father says@ "Some day, son, all this will be yoursL" &nly, when my father made the offer, it was as if he were telling me * could ha!e it as long as * was willing to push him off the roof to get it. He would constantly remind me that we were li!ing on the brin of po!erty. He would go miles out of his way to loo for bargains. He would wear clothes that friends ga!e him. * became so guilty about as ing for anything that * concluded it was much more ethical to steal. Jhen * was in se!enth grade and, for physical education, each boy had to buy snea ers that cost about P0.1>, * couldn"t bring myself to as my father for the money. (he pre!ious night he had confided to me that he didn"t now where he was going to get the money for the rent. * decided to steal the money for my snea ers from the %ed .ross. (he class ept all the money they had collected for the annual %ed .ross dri!e in a big mayonnaise 6ar in the supply closet. * !olunteered to stay after school to wash the blac board and slap out the erasers. * new that the teacher, 'iss Bostaug, was pic ed up at :@:4 sharp by her boyfriend. She was the ind of woman who was old when she was 9:. She wore those "sensible" correcti!e shoes and lisle stoc ingsE and crin ly dresses, the ind that you can see through and don"t want to. (he only color she e!er wore was a different hand erchief that she pinned on her blouse e!ery day. Her short slee!es re!ealed a !accination mar as big as a bas etball. As soon as 'iss Bostaug left that afternoon, * pic ed up the radiator wrench and 6immied open the closet door. * really botched up the door, but * made the heist. 'y heart was beating si7#eight time as * split with the mayonnaise 6ar. * hid under the porch and counted the loot. &!er P0: in change. * spent some of the money on the snea ers and a carton of (wenty Grand cigarettes for my father. * figured * would ta e what was left and return it. 'aybe no one would miss what * spent. 'aybe no one would notice the door had been torn off its hinges. But as * neared the classroom, * could hear the storm of protest, so * changed my mind and 6oined in the denunciation of the culprit. "Boy, how could anyone be so lowF Stealing from the %ed .rossL ,on"t worry, God will punish him." * felt pretty self# righteous condemning myself, and 8uite secure that no one suspected me.

But * had underestimated 'iss Bostaug. "Boys and girls," she announced, "this morning * called my brother, )dward Bostaug, in Jashington. He wor s for the $ederal Bureau of *n!estigation. He told me that if the criminal doesn"t confess today, he is going to come up here on 'onday with a lie detector." And then, in minute detail, she described the technical perfection of the polygraph in spotting the slightest irregularity in blood pressure, pulse and temperature. As she spo e, my heart was pounding and * was sweating. After e!eryone left, * marched boldly up to her des . She was creaming her face with +o7ema. "'iss Bostaug, * now who stole the money. * told him the 6ig was up, and he told me to tell you that he only spent three dollars and is willing to gi!e me the rest to bring bac and he will ma e up what he spent, little by little, if you promise not to call your brother from the $B*." A wee later the Long *sland Jelfare Board paid a !isit to my father, attempting to ascertain what sort of family atmosphere produced a criminal of my proportions. 'iss Bostaug hadn"t "s8uealed" on me, but she had done her duty, not only to the authorities, but also to me. She was aware that my en!ironment was as much to blame for my beha!ior as * was. She was trying to help. 'y father didn"t see it that way, howe!er. He was simply ama5ed. "How could a son of mine steal, when all he has to do is as me for anything and *"ll gi!e it to him, e!en if * ha!e to gi!e up cigarettesF" He sat down and tal ed to me. *t was difficult for me to answer because he was sitting on my chest. 'y mother"s boyfriends were a uni8ue breed. (hey were buddies rather than beau7. * can"t remember seeing anyone e!er iss my mother ## not on the mouth, anyway ## and for sure, * ne!er saw her in bed with any man, not e!en that once#in#a#while "mista e" in the one#bedroom apartment when "Ssh, you"ll wa e the id upL" ma es going to the bathroom during the night a combination of horror and fascination. * can remember only one "wal #in" in my life. As an eight#year#old child, * stumbled through the li!ing room on the way to the bathroom at four o"cloc in the morning. 'y cousin Hannah and her husband were pushing, issing, tearing and breathing in asthmatic meter. * watched and listened in wonderful curiosity. * had no concept of what was going on. (hey were maintaining a consistent rhythm that ept building in strength and force. (hen the rhythm became o!erpoweringly intense and hea!y, and his !oice changed pitch ## that cra5y soprano sound that the funnymen in the mo!ies affect when they imitate ladies. * saw the sweet di55y 8uality on the face of my 9:#year#old cousin, as her paint and powder dissol!ed and mi7ed with her lo!er"s sweat. She was loo ing o!er his shoulder, as if right at me, but her eyes loo ed funny ## li e my cousin Herman"s when he was drun . Her legs ## lo!ely, smooth legs with 6ust a suggestion of fine, soft hair, li e the guard hairs on the willow#limb flowers ## seemed to float hea!enward, her toes twisting in a tortured fashion, praying for release. +ow her eyes started to roll as if they were completely disengaged. 'y cousin Harry must ha!e bro en that thing that ma es the doll"s eyes go up and down. Her lips parted slowly and she 6oined him in a chant of submission ## a chant with the !ocabulary of theology, although * ha!e ne!er heard it again in synagogue, church or

Buddhist temple ## a chant that was perhaps pagan@ "&h God, oh God, oh goddamnit GodL &h it"s so good, Harry ## oh God it"s good ## don"t come yet, wait for me, you better pull out, oh don"t stop ## oh * lo!e you sweetheart, God * lo!e, oh you"re so good ## ohhhh. . ." Suddenly Hannah"s eyes focused on me. She screamed as if * were some horrible monster, "How long ha!e you been standing thereF" * watched as Harry grabbed at a flurry of white sheet. She reiterated@ "* said, how long ha!e you been standing thereF" * reacted sub6ecti!ely, assuming they wanted me to show off since her 8uestion related to an area of learning that * was in!ol!ed with at the time. * loo ed up at the cloc , thought for a moment, and repeated her 8uestion. "How long ha!e * been standing hereF Jell, the big hand is on the fi!e, and the little hand is on the three, that means it"s ## umm ## :@9<." (hey told me that was !ery nice and * was a !ery cle!er boy, and that * should go to bed. Jithout someone telling me what they had been doing, * could ne!er tell you whether that was a clean act, a dirty act, a self#indulgent act, or an ecstatic act of pure religious procreation. Jith all the e7posure *"!e had, * still can"t tell you. /ou must interpret what went on in your own way ## and, of course, you will. 'y childhood seemed li e an endless e7odus from aunts and uncles and grandmothers. (heir dialog still rings in my ears@ "* had enough tsooris with my own ids. . . How many times ha!e * told you not to slam the doorF. . . ,on"t r$n up the stairs. . . ,on"t tell me ",anny did it" ## if ,anny told you to 6ump off the Broo lyn Bridge, you"d 6ump off the Broo lyn Bridge, rightF. . . .hildren ha!e children"s portions and big people ha!e big people"s portions ## if you"re hungry you"ll eat more bread ## and there"s plenty of cabbage left. . ." (he plan was * would stay with relati!es till my parents "could get straightened out." * learned there is no Judge Hardy, there is no Andrew, nobody has a mom li e $ay Bainter. &h God, the mo!ies really did screw us up.

Chapter Three
As an imaginati!e young sensualist, * dreamed about li!ing o!er a barn, seeing the stars through a crac ed#board room, smelling the cows and horses as they snuggle and nu55le in a shed below, seeing the steam come up from the hay in the stables on a frosty winter morning, sitting at a table rich with home#canned goods with se!en other farm hands, eating home fries, pic led beets, fresh bacon, drin ing raw mil , laughing, ha!ing company in the morning, ha!ing a family, eating and wor ing and hanging out with the big guys, learning to use Bull ,urham. At 02 * ran away from home and found it. (wo rich, producti!e, sweet years with the ,engler family on their Long *sland farm.

(he ,englers were a combination of Swedish and German stoc . Although they were still young ## she in her :4s and he in his 34s ## * ne!er saw them iss each other. * was shoc ed when * learned that they slept in separate bedrooms. * new they were tired after wor ing a long day, but * couldn"t understand why anyone who could, wouldn"t want to sleep in another person"s arms. * would wait for an opportunity when 'r. ,engler was en6oying a good laugh, and then * would catch him unawares and gi!e him a big hug. 'rs. ,engler called me a " issing bug," but she ne!er re6ected me. (hey said * would probably end up being a politician. (he ,engler farm faced the highway. As * carried the pails of slop to the hogs, * watched the cars whi55ing by on their way to Grumman and Si ors y and Sperry. +either the dri!ers nor * reali5ed that their day"s wor would some day put an end to someone somewhere also carrying slop to hogs. A couple of times when the cars o!erheated, they would stop for water, and * would as them what they were ma ing out at Sperry"s. (hey didn"t now. "Some fittings. . ." Some fittings ## the +orden bombsight to fit into the B#0B. "* 6ust do piecewor ." H'y approach to humor today is in distinguishing between the !oral differences of words and their connotationsE then it was simply in the homonym@ "&h, you do piecewor F How about bringing me home someF"I ,irectly opposite the highway that ran by the farm was a long dusty dirt road with crops on each side ## potatoes, carrots, lettuce ## e!erything you buy in your grocery store. (hey were culti!ated, irrigated, weeded and fertili5ed by the farm hands. Some of the fertili5ation was direct from producer to consumer@ (here were no la!atories in the fields, but the itinerant daywor ers ## si7 =olish women ## had a !ery rela7ed attitude toward the performing of their natural functions. (o this day, * insist that all my !egetables be washed thoroughly. * was entrusted with the unromantic 6ob of weeding, although * did get to dri!e the old truc with the bro en manifold, bac and forth across the field, which really gassed me. * imagined myself to be Henry $onda. (he only thing that bugged me was that it was so lonesome out there all day. * tried to tal to the =olish ladies, but they didn"t understand me. * e!en brought them candy ## Guess Jhats, 'ary Janes, Hootens ## but all they did was grunt. * could watch their most intimate functions, but it was as if * didn"t e7ist. 'rs. ,engler would get up about :@:4 in the morning to coo brea fast for eight menE she would wor in the fields herself till about eight o"cloc that night, and then she would do her housewor . ,uring the winter, the ,englers ran a roadside stand selling canned goods and eggs to the wor ers on their way to and from a nearby defense plant. (he canned goods would actually be sold out the first day, and we only had enough chic ens to supply eggs for about two or three cars. So we bought eggs wholesale from as far away as (e7as, and 'ason#6ar canned goods from an outfit in Georgia. 'y 6ob was to immerse the 6ars in hot water, wash off their labels and put ours on. * would also open the egg crates ## which were pac ed by the gross ## and repac age the eggs in our cartons, by the do5en. Jith my philanthropic sense of humor, * would add a little mud and straw and chic en droppings to gi!e them an authentic pastoral touch. =eople were always coming bac and telling us@ "How fresh the eggs areL" Sales increased rapidly and * soon had a big problem. Although * had enough straw and mud,

there were only 99 chic ens ## and * was too embarrassed to as if there were any wholesale chic enshit houses in (e7as. * decided to cut the pure stuff with cow manure. (here was ne!er a complaint. &nce a wee a big LaSalle would dri!e all the way out from the city to get farm# fresh eggs. (he chauffeur was a little wi5ened old )nglishman who ne!er, e!er spo e. (he owner was a woman who loo ed li e 'ary Astor. She was a !ery grand#type lady, about :<, which seemed 8uite old to me. She said the farm was "8uaint" and remar ed how fortunate * was not to be "cursed by city pressures." She began to bring me things ## sweaters, shoes, e!en a tennis rac et. * fed her charitable id and e7claimed@ "&h, gosh, a real sweaterL * always wanted one with no patches on itL" All * needed was "Glorios y, NeroL" to complete the picture. &nce * sensed she was feeling a little low, so * told her that my mother and father had been illed. * fabricated a !ery pathetic story for her, and it really pic ed her up. *t was a sort of $antasy .A%) =ac age ## a little something e7tra added to the product, li e with the eggs. &ne day she forgot all about buying the eggs, and insisted on ta ing me to town to buy a new 6ac et. * had an old suede 6ac et with a bro en 5ipper that had to be pinned shut. * told her * couldn"t lea!e the stand. She told the chauffeur to get out and ta e o!er for me, and she would do the dri!ing. &n the way bac from the city, she pulled o!er into a shaded area and stopped. Je tal ed for a long time, and she told me about her son who was drowned, and also about her husband who manufactured and rented candy machines. She intimated that she would li e to adopt me. She as ed about my religious beliefs. She as ed if * had e!er been naughty with girls. * had ne!er e!en issed a girl ## * hadn"t gone to high school and * was !ery shy ## * had often thought about being "naughty" with girls, but * could ne!er seem to arrange to be in the right place at the right time. Je tal ed about some other things, and she told me to loo in the glo!e compartment for a surprise. *nside * found a sheath nife and a flashlight. (here was also a pac et of pictures, and she as ed me if * would li e her to show them to me. * had ne!er seen any pictures li e those before. (hey were of men and women in !arious attitudes of lo!ema ing. (he nudity and the absurdity of the contortions amused me, and * started to laugh. She was 8uite disturbed by my reactions, but * couldn"t help it. * had a genuine giggling fit. She as ed me if * thought the pictures were dirty, and when * couldn"t stop laughing long enough to answer, she said that it was a co!er#up for a filthy mind. +ot wanting to lose the 6ac et, * apologi5ed. She forga!e me and then deli!ered a lecture on how some women can gi!e you a terrible disease. She e7plained how you can get some diseases from using towels or from sitting on toilet seats. She as ed me if * new what the symptoms of these diseases were. * confessed my ignorance, and she grew alarmed. "Jhy, you can ha!e one of those diseases right this minute and not e!en now itL" And, with a !ery clinical attitude, she unbuttoned my pants. A few years later in boot camp, when we got our first illustrated lecture on !enereal disease, * was disappointed. *t lac ed the same personal touch.

(he ,englers were 8uite upset with my impatience to !olunteer for the +a!y. * pestered 'rs. ,engler daily, waiting for that official letter. * had some literature about the +a!y and the training courses they offered, and * re!iewed it at e!ery opportunity in my "reading room" ## a four#holer Hone hole was entirely sewn up by a cobwebI with a wasp hi!e the color of gray cardboard up in the right#hand comer of the ceiling. * always read uneasily, in dread of an attac . (he outhouse is to the farm hand what the water cooler is to the white#collar wor er. But, wor ing for the ,englers, this wasn"t necessary for me. (hey were easy bosses to wor for. Although * put in about 24 hours a wee and recei!ed P34 a month plus room and board, * felt no resentment, because they wor ed longer and harder. (hen, too, they were my mother and father ## the mother and father * had always dreamed about ## and * always had good company, which made me thin about all the lonesome people who li!ed in furnished rooms with their container of mil or can of beer on the window ledge. Jouldn"t it be nice if all the people who are lonesome could li!e in one big dormitory, sleep in beds ne7t to each other, tal , laugh, and eep the lights on as long as they want toF Lonesome people are a !ast neglected segment of that mythical American =ublic the ad!ertising men are always tal ing about. &ne mustn"t assume that all lonesome people are pensioners, old maids and physically handicapped shut#ins. (here are lonesome young men who sit in the Greyhound Bus Station and there are secretaries who li!e in immaculate apartments that they wouldn"t mind ha!ing messed up by some guy who doesn"t hang up his clothes. Sometimes when *"m on the road in a huge hotel, * wish there were a closed# circuit tele!ision camera in each room, and at two o"cloc in the morning the announcer would come on@ "*n %oom 93#B there is a ripe, blue#eyed, pin #nippled $rench and *rish court stenographer lying in bed tossing and turning, fighting the bonds of her nightgown. All the ashtrays in her room are clean, her stoc ings and panty#girdle ha!e 6ust been washed and are hanging on the shower#curtain bar. (his is a late model, absolutely clean, used only a few times by a sailor on lea!e." &r@ "*n Apartment 34B there is a <<#year#old Jewish widower who is listening to Barry Gray on the radio, sitting in his underwear and loo ing at the picture of his daughter and son#in#law who li!e in Lawrence, Long *sland, and ha!en"t called since /om Kippur. (his a bargain for an aggressi!e young woman who can say to him, "* li e you because you"re sensible and sensiti!e ## all right, it"s true young men are a "good time," but after that" whatF ## * li e a man * can ha!e a serious discussion with, a man who can co#sign 'rs. ,engler dro!e me to the station of the Long *sland %ailroad to catch the train that would ta e me away to war. * issed her and said, "Goodbye, 'a." She smiled at me and left. She ne!er had any ids of her own.

Chapter Four

* !olunteered for the +a!y in 0139. * was <"9", weighed 094 pounds, and had a hea!y beard that needed remo!ing about once e!ery si7 months. &ne day * was standing at 14 .hurch Street in ,owntown +ew /or .ity, literally in the hands of a doctor who was telling me to cough ## that uni!ersal e7perience which e!ery male who gets caught in a draft undergoes. (he +a!y taught me a sterile sense of cleanliness, punctuality, and ga!e me the security of belonging. $or the first time * was able to relate to my fellow man. 'y first "relati!e" was Artie Shaw. Je too boot training together in +ewport, %hode *sland. ,uring that 90#day incubation period, the e7citement of war was dwarfed by "Artie Shaw is hereL" Artie Shaw@ #e*in the #e*$ine" Ni*ht and Day" ,a!e (ough, 'a7 Kamins y, Lana (urner, Kathleen Jinsor. Artie Shaw ## &rpheus, music and lo!e ## and meE we were brothers in blue. &f course, * ne!er saw him, but it was enough for me that he was there. H)ighteen years later * got the same gratification from those magic words, "Artie Shaw is hereL" ## when the owner of the Blue Angel .afO whispered it to me before * went onstage. "Artie Shaw is hereL" How 6ust, how natural ## we were in the Jar together.I He had enlisted as an apprentice seaman. He could ha!e gone in a do5en other ways ## li e Glenn 'iller, for e7ample, with a commission in clarinet ## but he made it as an apprentice seaman, which was a silly#ass thing to do. As it turned out, he had a much rougher time in ser!ice than * did. He either got an o!ersolicitous@ "(his is Artie Shaw, .aptain Alden, he has agreed to gi!e you that autographed picture of himself for Admiral +imit5L" ## or, more often@ "Loo , pretty boy, you"re not in Hollywood now, there ain"t no butlers around hereL" Artie Shaw would ha!e been glad to ha!e been as anonymous as * was then, an ordinary seaman with a serial number, wanting to fight for his country. )!en as a id, * was hip that >4 percent of the guys that go for .i!il Ser!ice pension security ha!e no balls for the scuffle outside. * am not noc ing the desire for securityE we"re all ind of scared and would li e to be sitting under the itchen sin , pic ing at the linoleum. But it really bugged Shaw. He put in an urgent re8uest for a transfer to the 'editerranean. Je were all an7ious to go and be blessed by priests and rabbis, thereby gi!ing us the &K to ill the enemy. (hose dirty pregnant Japanese women who stood in the silent army, li e *talian mothers standing o!er the boiling pots of spaghetti, the Jewish mothers sla!ing o!er pots of chic en soup ## women unconcerned with politicsE all they now is that 31 cents a pound for chopped meat is ridiculous. (hose dirty Jap babies crawling on the floor, amused by the magic of a cat, his purr, his switching tail. (hose dirty Japs we hated, who now fill the windows of American stores with cameras. (hose dirty Japs that noc ed up the portable#radio industry. Jhere the hell was that syndicated +ostradamus and his 0riswell (redi%ts thenF +ow there are no more dirty JapsE there are dirty .ommiesL And when we run out of them there"ll 6ust be dirty dirt. And dirty mud. (hen we"ll eat the mud and =earl Buc will write a boo about it. By that time, the few hippies who disco!ered that it"s the earth which is dirty will ha!e made it to the moon for the 'iss 'issile contest.

&n a cruel triple#brrr snow#cold gray winter morning at .oddington =oint, %hode *sland, Artie Shaw and 94#odd other sailors sat in the fetal position with their red eyes and chapped thighs, waiting for chow to blow. A chief petty officer came in and told Artie that a lieutenant commander was outside the barrac s and wanted to see him immediately. Shaw was sure that this was his transfer. He marched out with his ,on Jinslow snap, the sailors ner!ously pee ing through the barrac s window. Jhen you"re in boot camp, a lieutenant commander might as well be the =resident. Shaw was understandably ner!ous as the lieutenant commander reached out his hand, saying, "=ut "er there, Artie," and then said 03 words that had more impact than %oose!elt"s ",ecember Bth, a day that will li!e in infamy" speech. (he lieutenant commander loo ed Shaw in the eye and said@ "* 6ust wanted to sha e the hand that patted the ass of Lana (urner." *t was in the +a!y that * had my first lo!e affair ## a one#night stand with Louise ## the ind of chic that ma es an ele!ator operator feel possessed of great control because he went up 0> floors and didn"t rip off her dress. Louise was 9> when * met her. Her father and mother had 6ust died, and she and her brother inherited the business@ a 0: Q 0:#foot combination *talian#American grocery and soda fountain, with li!ing 8uarters in the bac . Her brother too care of the store during the day, and she wor ed there at night so he could go to ..+/. Her husband was a pri!ate in the -.S. *nfantry, stationed in *celand for the duration. * wal ed into the store in white hat, dress#blue uniform and my )ndicott#Johnson shoes, so new they slipped on cement. * was announced by the little tin bell ## the candy# store burglar alarm. Behind the counter stood Louise. ,octors who ha!e probed, cut, sewn and rubber#glo!ed so many women that it has become a tas would get sha en by a Louise. "Hmm, your adenoids seem 8uite normalE perhaps the trouble is respiratory. -nbutton your blouse a moment and we"ll gi!e a listen to the old tic er. (here"s 8uite a bit of flu going around and *. . . there, uh. . . actually. . . uh, uh. . . here, uh. . . . &h God, oh merciful 'other of God, what a bodyL /ou"re so tan and yet so white. =lease may * touch youF +ot as a doctor. . . Let me unbutton my shirt and feel you close to me. =lease don"t push me away. Here, let me. . . please. . . oh GodL *"m losing my mind, let me latch the door. . . Let !e ,$st kiss it" that"s all * want to. . . oh, please please please please. (lease ,$st to$%h it. Just. . . look at it. . . * do respect you. * 6ust can"t catch my goddamn breathL" Jith eight dollars hidden in my shoe and a dollar in my hand, * wal ed up to the counter and spo e out with a 6aded#enough tone so that Louise would now that *"d been around. "=epsi, please, and a bag of potato chips." She ripped the stapled chips away from the cardboard. Jhen she spo e, her words stunned me. * ne!er e7pected a woman who loo ed li e that to tal that way to a ban vivant such as *. "How the hell did you get gum in your hairF" she as ed. "(he guy who sleeps in the bun abo!e me stuc it on the edge of my rac . * thought * got it out." "."mere, *"!e got some ben5ene, it"ll ta e it out." * followed her through the blue#rayon portals that separated the store from her

home. * sat on a soda bo7 and watched her rumble through the medicine cabinet, which was a cardboard carton under her bed. She soa ed the rag and stood o!er me, gently neading the chewing gum from my hair. Her thighs, with the good#life scent of the white do!e, pressed weightlessly against my chee . (he gum was long gone, and my first lo!e was nurtured in a setting of 'edaglia ,"&ro coffee, Ace combs, and =rogresso tomato purOe. * wonder if any .hilean chicle wor er e!er dreamt of the delicious fruit that * recei!ed from the by#product of his labor. * was assigned to a light cruiser, the -.S.S. Broo lyn. 'e ## Leonard Alfred Schneider ## on the dec of a warship bound for +orth Africa, along with 0:44 other men and enough munitions to bring a man#made earth8ua e to Ain el (ur , Bi5erte, and Algiers, which was to be followed after the Jar by a sociopolitical earth8ua e ## for we were blasting more than enemy breastwor sE we were sha ing loose the !eils from shadowed 'oslem faces and the gold from their front teeth. * had two battle stations ## one on a 0.0 gun and my watch was on a fi!e#inch dec gun. A cannon in the +a!y is always called a gun. $i!e in the morning, re!eille. $i!e#ten, topside@ wash down the dec s and do paint wor . Se!en o"cloc , secure. Se!en#thirty to eight, chow@ prunes, beans, cornbread, cold cuts, Jaldorf salad, coffee. )ight o"cloc , turn to@ painting, chipping, scraping, ammunition wor ing party. (wel!e o"cloc , chow@ braised beef, dehydrated potatoes, spinach, coffee, ca e with icing. &ne o"cloc , wor . (wo#forty#fi!e, attac by enemy planes@ man your battle stations, fight with planes. H* could use +a!y time, 4244, etc., but * had ele!ated to the idiomatic group@ "Loo out the window and see who is on the left side of the boat."I (he secure from battle may be at eight =.'. Secure at sea, ammunition wor ing party, replace e7pended ammunition. Ruic scrubdown, twel!e#thirty, hit the sac . * ne!er got more than four and a half hours sleep a night in three years. Blood and salt water mi7ed together loo s blue. )ight men followed by twel!e, then by about forty more, floated gracefully by the bow of the -.S.S. Broo lyn. (hese dead Air $orce men that 6ust a few months ago were saying. . . "Jhat do you want, Hi#(est or %egularF" ",id you get my pants out of the cleaner"s, sweetheartF" "(hey"ll ne!er get me ## my uncle is an alderman." "+ow listen, Gera, *"m going to put all my stuff in these cardboard bo7es, and *"m going to loc them in that closet bac of the den. =lease don"t let anyone touch them ## and don"t 6ust say "/es" to me ## * don"t want anyone, do you understand, anyone" fooling around with my stuff. . ." His stuff. 'y stuff. )!eryone was worrying about their stuff. . . their papers. . . their possessions. (he bodies continued to float by, their heads bumping the starboard side. Seeing those pitiful, fresh#dead bodies, * new then what a moc ery of life the materialistic concept is. After they got the telegram, someone would go through his "stuff" and try to figure out why in the world he wanted "all that stuff." (he stuff that he

ept so nice would e!entually be thrown out of the basement, for the stuff would now be crap. "Hey, throw this crap outta hereL"

Chapter Five
Standing on the dec of a warship in battle, you get a good loo at the competiti!e aspect of life, carried to its e7treme. &ur society is based on competition. *f it isn"t impressed upon you at home with the scramble for lo!e between brothers and sisters, they really lay it down to you in school ## in numbers any child can understand ## that"s what grading is. /ou bring home 044 percent, and your mother hugs you and your father pats you on the bac . (he teachers beam at you. But not your schoolmatesE they now they"re in competition with you, and if you get a high percentage they must get a lower one. )!erybody wants lo!e and acceptance and he soon learns that one way to get it is by getting higher mar s than the other fellow. *n essence, you are gratified by your schoolmates" failures. Je ta e this with us into adulthood. Just loo at the business world. So, my first instinct in this structure of economic and critical success is to want 'ort Sahl, Jonathan Jinters, Shelley Berman, etc., Hmy "schoolmates"I to bomb. *f * bring in a bigger gross at a cafO or a concert than 'ort does at the same place, *"!e brought home a good report card. * struggle with this part of me which is inhumane, and now ## perhaps this can be e7plained by the fact that * am ma ing enough money to a44ord to be magnanimous about it ## * genuinely re6oice in another"s success. * would li e to belie!e that if * were still scuffling and 'ort was doing well * would still be happy for him. But * wonder. * am happy he"s doing well. But not better than me. (he -.S.S. Broo lyn was a big ship, and she was considered 8uite a danger and a nuisance by the enemy. At night the enemy planes, unless they had inside information, could only tell what they were bombing by the firepower that was thrown at them. *f they recei!ed nothing but 94 millimeter and 34s, they would assume that the largest craft below was a ,) or some other small craft that carried only small arms. Je were trapped in a strange bind. Je were the only hea!y power in the area, but if we threw up our big stuff ## our fi!e#inch guns ## they would now immediately that we were a cruiser, and then they would send for assistance, and do us in. Jhen General Ruarters sounded at sea, it was usually an )#boat or a submarine. * lo!ed this because * wasn"t as afraid of being illed in battle as * was of being bored. Luc y for me that the guys in power at the time new the real danger and ept me occupied. * was grateful, but it was still pretty e7hausting, fighting 24 hours without securing from battle stations. (hrough three years and four ma6or in!asions ## An5io, Salerno, Sicily, Southern $rance ## * was a shell passer with a hea!y helmet that was lined with smelly foam rubber. (wo years of sleeping in a hammoc , then graduating to a lower bun . (hree

years of hearing "+ow hear thisL" till * didn"t want to hear it e!er again. (hree years of being awa ened by a bu55er that made the sound that a gigantic goose would, laying an egg the si5e of a Goodyear Blimp. onk& onk& onk& onk& ## that was the base line. (he boatswain"s whistle and the trumpet 6ust lac ed a rhythm section to eep them from being real hard swingers. (he impersonal !oice would boom o!er the spea er@ "All men man your battle stations, secure all hatches, the smo ing lamp is out." *"d scramble up the ladder 6ust in time to get my helmet noc ed off and my nose bloodied from the concussion !acuum created in the hatch co!e. Je would be bottled up in +aples harbor, the Germans bombing and strafing e!ery ship in the bay. *t was blindman"s buff. As a child * lo!ed confusion@ a free5ing bli55ard that would stop all traffic and mailE toilets that would get stopped up and o!erflow and run down the hallsE electrical failures ## anything that would stop the flow and ma e it bac up and find a new direction. .onfusion was entertainment for me. Jhile the Jar was on, the alternation of routine and confusion sustained my interest, but then it was o!er and * wanted out. * had been a good sailor with a sterling record of consistent performance, but * wasn"t a !ens%h. Howe!er, * didn"t put the +a!y through any red tape coming in, so * felt they should permit me to e7it with the same courtesy. A lot of guys tried to get out during the Jar and * considered that cowardly, but * rationali5ed !y schemes with@ "Jhy notF ## the Jar is o!er." But how does one go about shooting his toes off with an oarF Je lay at anchor in the Bay of +aples and the night closed in around me. * had to get out, and get out fast. &ther guys had gone wac y ## some on purpose ## and the only ones that got out were those who could 6ust sit and say "+o" to e!erything. (hey got out, but with a dishonorable discharge. And by the time they were processed, it was si7 months in the brig, a trial, and such a hard time that it wasn"t worth it. * had to thin . /ou spend your whole life thin ing and worrying. Jorrying about the deposit bottles, and where to cash them. (hat night it seemed that getting out of the +a!y, or e!en getting out of the 'editerranean, was years away. * wondered who was buying 'ema her Gaseline. * closed my eyes in the pitch#blac night and then, all of a sudden, the hea!ens seemed to light up li e (imes S8uare. $or a moment, * thought@ "&h#oh, * don"t ha!e to worry anymoreE my problem has sol!ed itselfE * won"t ha!e to pretend." * recalled pre!ious flashes on my optic ner!es. . . * am sitting at the Sil!er ,ollar Bar in Boston, ne7t to a girl with chipped, bitten# off, painted fingernails, and lipstic on her teeth. Je are ha!ing our picture ta en by the night#club photographer. Flash& (he first time * e!er saw a flashlight, my cousin Stanley was stic ing it in his mouth, ma ing his chee s all red. 'agic lights ## the flash of lightning on choppy Long *sland Sound as my -ncle Bill pulls in a flounder. $ireflies through the window screens. (he lights in the Bay of +aples ept getting brighter and brighter. * wondered for

an instant ## is this the spiritual illumination *"!e read aboutF Jill * see the Girgin of $atima appear ne7tF 'y !ision cleared and simultaneously * felt a smothering wa!e of factory heat ## hotter than all the asphalt roads in Ari5ona put together. 't. Gesu!ius had erupted for the first time in centuries. 't. Gesu!ius, the earth that bore the tree, that bore the fruit, that fed man. (he carbon process ## each of us one molecule in the !ast uni!erse. (he earth that saw man destroy his competitor. (he earth that saw *talians illed. *talians ## the Genetians, the brilliant colorists. (he *talians that would soon clothe 'iles ,a!is. (he earth saw this and !omited that night in +aples. *n the Army you can get out if you"re a wac . Jhy couldn"t you get out of the +a!y if you were a JAG)F ,own in my bun * had a copy of (sy%hopathia 2e3$alis by Krafft#)bing. (here it was. A trans!estite is a nut who li es to get dressed up in women"s clothing. He may ne!er engage in homose7ual practice or do anything else antisocial. He"s completely harmless. But ob!iously he would be an incon!enience to the +a!y, where they li e to eep e!erything organi5ed by ha!ing e!eryone dress ali e. * figured that if * could demonstrate to the +a!y that * still had a great deal of patriotism and loyalty to the uniform, the old esprit de %orps ## rather than indulging myself with the ob!ious sort of feather#boa negligee and gold#lamO mules drag outfit ## then maybe instead of booting me out, they"d open the door politely and escort me out li e an officer and a lady. Swanson, one of my shipmates, could sew as well as a girl. He was also a beer addict. He"d do anything for a bottle of beer. *n +orth Africa, Gibraltar, 'alta, .orsica, Sicily ## where!er we made port ## they had gi!en us chits that entitled us to so much beer. * didn"t drin beer, and * sa!ed all my chits. Along with these ## * won some gambling, and * also recei!ed 8uite a few for standing watch for different guys ## * had enough beer chits to play Scrooge at an AA .hristmas show. * ga!e my chits to Swanson, and his fingers flew to the tas . (he way he threw himself into his wor made me wonder about hi!. Jith the pleats, the shields, e!erything, he made me a lieutenant. $or a while it was 6ust scuttlebutt that a JAG) was seen promenading forward at the fo"c"sle during the midnight watch. A number of guys who saw it didn"t report it out of fear that they"d be gi!en a Section > themsel!es. $inally one night * was doing my nautical Lady 'acbeth when four guys, including the chief master#at#anns, 6umped me. * yelled, "'asherL" $our na!al psychiatrists wor ed o!er me at +ewport +a!al Hospital. $*S%( &$$*.)%@ "Lenny, ha!e you e!er acti!ely engaged in any homose7ual practiceF" L)++/@ "+o, sir." HAn "acti!e" homose7ual is one who does the doing, and the "passi!e" is one who 6ust lies bac . *n other words, if you were a id and you were hitchhi ing and some

faggot came on with you and you let him do whate!er his "do" was, he was an "acti!e" homose7ual because he performed a se7ual act with someone of the same se7, and you are a "passi!e" homose7ual if you allowed any of this to happen. /ou"ll ne!er see this in an AAA dri!ing manual, but that"s the way it is.I S).&+, &$$*.)%@ ",o you en6oy the company of womenF" L)++/@ "/es, sir." (H*%, &$$*.)%@ ",o you en6oy ha!ing intercourse with womenF" L)++/@ "/es, sir." $&-%(H &$$*.)%@ ",o you en6oy wearing women"s clothingF" L)++/@ "Sometimes." ALL $&-%@ "Jhen is thatF" L)++/@ "Jhen they fit." * stuc to my story, and they finally ga!e up. &nly, it didn"t wor out the way * had figured it. (hey drew up an undesirable discharge. At the last minute, though Hthis does sound li e a fairy story, doesn"t itFI, the %ed .ross sent an attorney who re!iewed the case and saw that the whole thing was ridiculous. (here were no charges against me. (he entire di!ision was 8uestioned, and when it was ascertained that * had a good credit rating in !irility ## based upon paid#up accounts in numerous +eapolitan bordellos ## * recei!ed an honorable discharge. So e!erything wor ed out all right, e7cept that they too away my JAG)"S uniform. *t bugged me because * wanted to ha!e it as a sort of eepsa e of the Jar. * wouldn"t e!er wear it, naturally ## e7cept maybe on Halloween.

Chapter "i#
(he first place * went to when * got out of the +a!y was bac to the farm. * was an7ious to show the ,englers my uniform and battle ribbons. And * wanted to see the Soapers down the road and the )ttletons across the way. * got off the bus, and there were 'r. and 'rs. ,engler in the front yard, crating tomatoes. * ran o!er and threw my arms around 'rs. ,engler. She said "Hello" to me as if she had seen me only an hour before and * had 6ust finished cleaning the stables. * had written to them many times from o!erseas and had ne!er recei!ed any reply, so * assumed they had sold the farm. * hadn"t e7pected to see them nowE * merely wished to find out where they mo!ed. * couldn"t belie!e they 6ust wouldn"t answer, because *"d thought our relationship had been so close. ",idn"t you get my lettersF" * as ed. "/es, than you. Je"!e been so busy we ha!en"t e!en had time to do any canning." * had e7pected. . . * don"t now what the hell * had e7pected. 'aybe some crying, or a big surprise ca eE but instead 'r. ,engler simply climbed into the truc and his wife 6oined him. "/ou put on some weight," she said. "Are you going to be aroundF =robably see you later."

And they dro!e off, lea!ing me staring at their dust. Jould * be aroundF * wept out of embarrassment. * felt li e a clown in my uniform. (he ne7t train didn"t go bac to +ew /or until 00 =.'. * wal ed the si7 miles bac to the station and 6ust sat around, sort of half#hoping that 'rs. ,engler would come loo ing for me. She new there were only three farmhouses in the area and only one train bac to the city. She would go to each farm and in8uire if * was there. (hen she would rush off to the station and say, "Boy, you fell for the oldest tric in the world. /ou were really feeling sorry for yourself, weren"t youF Je were going to let you stay here another two hours 6ust to tease you. * made a big surprise party ca e for you, and all your friends can"t wait to see you and hear all about how it was o!er there." But no one came to the station. * bumped into one id * had nown slightly, and he as ed me if * was loo ing for a 6ob. (hey wanted some beanpic ers at the )ttletons". * new then that this was all it had e!er been@ a 6ob. (om Jolfe was right when he said you can"t go home again, but it"s especially true when it was ne!er your home to begin with. Still, you don"t completely dissol!e the fantasy. . . Any minute that big blac LaSalle would pull up, and my benefactress would ma e me secure with a sweater and a blow 6ob, and the chauffeur would sha e my hand and say, "Good show, sonL *t"s grand to ha!e the master homeL" (hen we would dri!e off to the little theater off (imes S8uare, where 'adame .hiang Kai#She would confide to me in the lobby that the Generalissimo hadn"t ta en off his stin ing boy#scout uniform in 9< yearsE $ran lin ,elano %oose!elt would be standing up, pushing his wheel chair, screaming, "See the boardwal in Atlantic .ityL"E my mother and father would be there ## together ## because they were ne!er really di!orced. . . they would iss each other and say, "*t"s all o!er, Lenny, it was 6ust a 6o e." +ow e!eryone is seated, the lights come down, the conductor stri es up the last :9 bars of (ins and Needles" the curtains open, and there is 'ema, reading a cereal bo7 that e7plains what the big red#rubber bulb is for and telling the whole world@ "*t"s +obody"s Business But Lenny"s." 'y mother had in!ol!ed herself with a girl named 'ary. *n business, that is. . . my mother did not profess Jill %ogers" paraphrased philosophy@ "* ne!er met a dy e * didn"t li e." (hey taught ballroom dancing. 'y mother"s name is Sally, so they combined names and came up with "(he 'arsalle School of ,ance." (he school ## a loft o!er (ony .an5oneri"s li8uor store ## consisted of an office and a big room where their pupils Hpensioners and other lonesome men that belonged to (he Great Army of the -nlaid, but who were fortunate enough to be reaping the benefits of 'utual of &mahaI waited to learn the tango and the peabody. (he sad thing was that the women these men got to dance with were 'ary and my mother. (here were lots of rooms o!er the dancing school that were condemned. (he whole building, in fact, was condemned, e7cept for the lower loft. * lo!ed to hang out in my own special "condemned room." * would indulge myself in bi5arre melodramatic fantasies, the spell usually being bro en by my mother"s re8uest to empty the garbage. *f it was 'onday * would ta e the garbage with me to the GA building, because to

empty the garbage downstairs you had to separate the cans from the papers. (he landlord insisted that you put the cans in one container and the papers in another. He was a real twisted nut in regard to his refuse#filing system. "'iss .lar , chec in the files of 'ay 0>,01<4, and bring me the eggshells and the coffee grounds and one orange peel. . ." 'y reason for going to the Geteran"s Administration Hwhere * would 6ust dump all the garbage, unsegregated, into a big wire bas etI was the <9#94 .lub. (he Go!ernment ga!e all e7#G*s P94 a wee for a year or until they could find a 6ob. (he accepted smart# thing#to#do was to find an employer who didn"t report your wages or ta e out withholding ta7, and then you could grab the P94 plus your salary. * would fill out a report form, swearing that * had tried to find wor that wee . Jhich was true. * had as ed my mother and 'ema and two guys that sat ne7t to me in a mo!ie if they new of any 6obs. Jhen * finished filling out the wee ly report, * noticed in all o!er my fingers from one of those scratchy post#office pens. (he man who in!ented them is the same guy who in!ented the wa7 nap ins they gi!e you with hot dogs. *t doesn"t wipe the mustard offE it rubs it in ## li e fla!ored 'an#(an. * used a piece of newspaper to wipe the e7cess in off my fingers. *t contained a glowing account of $ather ,i!ine and all the money he was ma ing. * stared at his picture and the amount. (hen * went bac to my "condemned room," carrying the wor light from the dancing school. (here was no electricity abo!e the school floorE you 6ust plugged in downstairs and carried up the e7tension. * had my $red Astaire fantasy, dancing up the steps with the light in my hand. &ne day, while my mother was going through her "stuff" ## four or fi!e earrings that didn"t matchE si7 pairs of platform shoes in simulated li5ard that she ne!er woreE numerous bras with bro en straps that she intended to mend some dayE and, always, fi!e or si7 crumpled#up Kleene7 with traces of lipstic ## she told me that she had decided to study eccentric dancing. *t was called "Legomania" or "%ubber Legs." (here was a fellow by the name of Joe .looney who rented the studio to limber up early in the morning, for which he ga!e my mother a couple of dollars. After a while, he started trading her Legomania lessons for limbering#up space. Jithin si7 months, Joe and my mother were doing an act together. (hey started out by wor ing hospitals and benefits, and then progressed to Saturday#night 6oints in Broo lynE on Bergen Street, &cean =ar way, or .oney *sland. A short time later, Joe left the act and my mother was doing a single. (he shows consisted of a comedian#master of ceremonies, a girl singer, a ballroom team, and my mother. &n one particular night, at the Gictory .lub on &cean =ar way, then master of ceremonies didn"t show up. He had trouble with his car. . . they found half#a#pound of pot in the trun . (he owner as ed my mother to m.c. She was petrified. She had ne!er spo en a single line on the stage before. 'oreo!er, audiences were not used to seeing a woman m.c. * had seen the master of ceremonies lots of times, so * as ed my mother if * could do it ## what was so hard about, "Say, how "bout a nice hand for the so#and#sos, fol sF"

Jhat with a 8uic meeting with the boss, and the law of supply and demand, * was gi!en my entree into show business. *t was about 0< minutes before showtime. * went into the men"s room to comb my hair. * pushed my pompadour as high as * could get it, and * put a little burnt match on the mustache that * was sporting at the time. * was really dap, with my sharp brown#suede shoes from A.S. Bec and a one#button#roll suit from Buddy Lee"s. *t was bar-!i9vah blue. * had a Billy )c stine collar, a blac nit tie, and a fi!e#point hand erchief, hand# rolled, made in the =hilippines, with the stic er still on it. Should * wear my discharge buttonF +o, *"ll ma e it on talent alone. (hen * suddenly reali5ed ## * don"t ha!e any ma e#upL 'y first show and no ma e#up. (he men"s#room attendant Hsign, '/ SALA%/ is /&-% (*=S, (HA+K /&-I had a can of white after#sha!e talc. * put that on, and in the rush * dropped it and spilled it all o!er my brown#suede shoes. * don"t now if you"!e e!er tried getting white talcum off brown# suede shoes, but it"s worse than trying to use lea!es in the woods. (he men"s#room attendant started getting ner!ous and staring at me. * laughed it off and e7ited with my now brown#and#white#suede shoes. (he bandleader who was going to introduce me was doing a warm#up and getting laughs. Loud laughs. He was using his clarinet in a manner that was beyond mere phallic symbolismE he was swinging it between his legs and singing "He"s 'y Rueer %ac eteer. . ." (he cashier as ed, "/ou ner!ous ## want a brandy before you go onF" "+o, than s. * don"t now what the hell e!erybody is worrying about. *"!e m.c."d a million shows." (he ballroom team ga!e me their cues for applause. "+ow, when * drop the one nee, she comes up. . ." Suddenly my feet began to get cold, and * was in the men"s room, throwing up. * was scared to death, and the attendant was flipping. *t was fi!e minutes before showtime, all the waiters had been alerted, and a few of the "regular" customers had de!eloped anticipatory neurosis. 'y mother loo ed at me from the opposite side of the room and pantomimed@ "/our shoes are dirtyL" * again retreated to the men"s room, but the attendant bloc ed my entrance this time, and * threw up on a customer who was e7iting. * heard the strains of "Hi, +eighbor" ## one of the standard night#club music intros ## and * fled to the wings. 'y mother too one loo at my powdered face and too me by the hand. * bolted away from her and into the ladies" room for one last purge. * felt a wa!e of self#pity and identified with Aru55a, 'anolete, Belmonte, and e!ery other bullfighter ## scared not of the bull but of the crowd. A crowd that waits@ to be entertained, to !iew, to ,$d*e. * heard the bandleader@ "(han you, ladies and gentlemen. As you may now, our regular master of ceremonies, (utti 'organ, is ill, due to a ser!ice#connected in6ury. Luc ily, fol s, show business has a big heart. A friend of his, Lenny 'arsalle, a famous comic in his own right, who was in Guadalcanal with (utti 'organ, is here in town to do the )d Sulli!an show, and when he heard that (utti was sic he came right o!er to fill in ## so how about

it, fol s, let"s hear it for a great comedian and a great guy ## Lenny 'arsalleL" * wiped my mouth with the s8uare sheet of toilet paper that came in the container mar ed &nliwon, and made my grand entrance onto the stage direct from the ladies" room. Actually, my function was 8uite simple. * was going out there and * was merely to say "Good e!ening," do a few straight lines and introduce the girl singer. But why did that bandleader ha!e to say * was a "great comedian" and all that dishonest stuff about the )d Sulli!an showF +ow they were all waiting for a great comedian. But he also said * was a "great guy." 'aybe, * hoped, that was more important to the audience, my being a "great guy" stuff. 'aybe * could ha!e my mother go out and say, "He"s really a "great guy" " and e!erybody would belie!e her because a mother nows her son better than anyone. * saw a strange, sil!er, rather grotes8ue loo ing ball in front of my nose. *t was a microphone. * was onstage. "Good e!ening, ladies and gentlemen ##" "Bring on the broadsL" cut me short. &h, my God, a hec lerL (he angry re8uest came from one of two guys standing near the barE with them were two Lerner#clad ladies with the let#out hems, brown#and#white spectator pumps and whoopee soc s, cloth coats with sil!er#fo7 collars that were a little too tight, and the final uni8ue touch@ lipstic on their teeth. *t shoc ed me into reality. * loo ed at my mother and * saw a helpless smile. Her son, her baby that she nursed through chic en po7, wor ing as a maid to sustain the both of us. Her child was in trouble and she couldn"t help him. 'a, help meE that boy hit me, 'aE gimme a 8uarter, 'aE *"m in trouble, 'aE *"m alone, help me, 'a. . . "Bring on the broadsL" (his time the re8uest was more positi!e and energetic. (he hec ler must ha!e sensed a wea , ine7perienced prey. (he two girls and the man with him bathed in his reflected glory. His friend 6oined him and they screamed in unison@ "Bring on the broadsL" (heir lady friends shrie ed with ecstasy. "*"d li e to, but then you wouldn"t ha!e any company at the bar." 'y first laugh. *t was li e the flash that * ha!e heard morphine addicts describe, a warm sensual blan et that comes after a cold, sic re6ection. * was hoo ed. 'y mother loo ed at me and really s%hepped na%his Hwhich is the Jewish e8ui!alent of "(hat"s my boyL"I. * introduced the first act, and an hour later, at the end of the show, when * was bringing my mother bac for an encore, * said, "How about that, fol s, Sally 'arsalle ## isn"t she greatF" How about that for silliness: *"m telling a group of strangers@ "*sn"t my mother wonderfulF" * had a dangerous desire to e7tend the tribute@ "/es sir, fol s, not only can she dance, but she ma es great chic en soup, and sweet lima beans, and when *"m sic she rubs my chest with Gic s."

Jhen the e!ening was o!er, to my surprise the owner did not assume the )duardo .iannelli posture with the dialog that * had been conditioned to e7pect in the mo!ie scene where the no!ice succeeds. Lyle (albot always nods to )ugene =allette@ "/ou"!e done it again, 'r. $loren5o, this id"s sensationalL Je"d better sign him up before the (io Bamba gets him." * recei!ed no such gratification. As a matter of fact, he charged me for a meat#ball sandwich and ginger ale. And when * stood on the subway platform and reached into my poc et for a dime, * found that the men"s#room attendant had gotten e!en. * won"t go into the scatological detailsE * threw the coat into the trash can. But *"d had a smell of it and the aroma lingered. Jell, that"s show business.

Chapter "even
* began to ma e the rounds of agents in 'anhattan, and got in with Buddy $riar, an amateur agent with an office in the %oseland Building, now torn down. (here were 0< or 94 clubs ## such as S8uires in Long *sland, the .lay (heater in +ew Jersey, George"s .orners in Greenwich Gillage, the Blue Ha!en in Jac son Heights ## that would put on amateur shows to fill in on slow nights. Supposedly, people from the audience would be called on as contestants. Actually, we were the forerunners of the rigged 8ui5 shows. (he pri5es were P044, P<4, and P9<. Je "amateurs" would sit around the club, and when they called for !olunteers we would get up. Je were paid P9 apiece, carfare and, if we won, an empty en!elope. &ne of the other "amateurs" was a waiter from the Bron7 who always sang 2orrento. Jhen he reached the last four bars his face used to get red and his nec blue. * thin he got a hand from the audience 6ust for the fact that he li!ed through the number. (here was also some nut from %ye, +ew /or , whose act consisted of standing on a chair, 6umping straight up into the air and then di!ing and landing s8uare on his head. +ot on his hands, mind youE they were held tight to his sides. +o, he would land smac on his goddamn head. *t was a short act but it certainly was a hell of an opener. (here was another guy who played the sweet potato, doing a medley of patriotic songs li e The 0aissons o 7ollin* 1lon*. (hen there was a performer nown as "Al Jolson, Jr." ## he was about 2< years old. And there was a girl acrobatic dancer who used to come to the club with all her lights, costumes, props, and her mother. * always wondered why no one e!er caught on. ,id they thin that she 6ust happened to drop in that night lugging all her paraphernaliaF Sometimes legitimate amateurs would try to get on, but they would be told that there wasn"t enough time. (he winner was selected by holding a hand o!er the contestant"s head and as ing for applause. * ne!er won. (he sweet potato usually did. He had a limp and wore a double#si5e ruptured duc he had made especially for himself@ you could see it from anywhere in the house. (his ga!e me an idea for the first bit of material * e!er did that

caused contro!ersy. 'y agent had a pro date to fill on a Saturday night in Staten *sland, at a place called (he 'elody .lub. Since it had struc me funny that anyone who had been in the ser!ice would use that fact to gain rapport with the audience, * had a picture ta en of all my campaign ribbons and medals Hincluding a =residential -nit .itationI, had it enlarged, and put it on. * had the band play a big fanfare and 1n%hors 1wei*h. (hen * came out and said, "* stole this routine from ,ic =owell and %uby Keeler." %ight away one guy wanted to punch me in the nose for ma ing fun of the ribbons. *t was the first time * felt real hostility from an audience. And they"d missed the point. (he owner as ed me to ta e the bit out for the second show. * tried to e7plain that * was trying to ma e fun of a guy who would do such a thing, not of the ribbons. He replied, "Jhen in %ome do as the %omans do." "&K, but *"ll ne!er play %ome again." And * ha!en"t played Staten *sland since. After four or fi!e months of these amateur gigs, * wrote a little act for myself which e!entually refined into the Hitler bit, wherein the dictator was disco!ered and handled by '.A. And * did all the standard impressions ## .agney, Lorre, Bogart ## in double#tal German. 'ar!in Jorth, who later became a writer on the 2teve 1llen 2how" had a lot of faith in my comedy prowess and decided to be my manager. He and his partner, Jhitey 'artin, and another agent, Bob Starr, got me on 1rth$r od4rey8s Talent 2%o$ts show, which * won. Jithin a few months * became "hot" ## * was ma ing P3<4 a wee and wor ing e!erything "good" ## the Strand on Broadway, the (ic (oc in 'ilwau ee ## and, around 01<0, the consensus of showbi5 opinion was, "Anybody can get a laugh with dirty toilet 6o esE it ta es talent to get laughs with clean stuff. /ou"ll go a long way, Lenny, you"re funny and clean." (ears filtered through my lashes and ri!ered along each side of my nose. * was o!ercome with emotion ## for * was blessed with talentE * didn"t ha!e to resort to dirty toilet 6o es. (hen * started worrying. . . how dirty is my toiletF * lay in bed, thin ing about the "dirty#resort#to#anything#for#a#laugh" comedian. (his could be the start of ma ing the word "resort" dirty. .omedians who wor resorts, entertaining people who go to resorts, are certainly resorting. * couldn"t contain my religious fer!or. * e7ploded from the bedroom, thundered down the hall and threw open the door to that odious place ## the "resort." * screamed, "/ou dirty, filthy, stin y, crappy, .ommie, dopey toiletL (han God * don"t ha!e to resort to you to ma e people laugh. *t"s 6ust a shame that there aren"t laws to eep you and your ind out of a decent community. Jhy don"t you go bac where you came fromF (a e the tub and the sin and that 6ellyfish hamper with youL )!en though their names aren"t as dirty as yours, anybody who"d li!e with a toilet must be resort# addicted. =urists don"t e!en go to the toilet. All * can say to you, toilet, is ## it"s luc y you"re whiteL"

After theaters started closing and night clubs felt the absence of war, some show people couldn"t get wor and actually did ha!e to resort to toilets. +ot discussing themE cleaning them. (he first performers to feel the pressure were the magic acts. (he agents" postwar cry was@ "*f * had a 6ob, don"t you thin *"d be glad to gi!e it to yaF (hey"re not buying magic acts anymore. (hey"re not buying dance teams anymore." (he only place they could get a club date was at some bro en#down Kiwanis hall, and e!en those were getting scarce. Jhat happens to people whose !ocation becomes outmodedF H)le!ator operators who are replaced by buttons ## "Jhat ind of a guy would want to be an ele!ator operator anywayF" 'aybe some guy who 6ust wants to return to a womb with a door he can open and close at different floors.I (a e Horace and Hilda, a dance team. (hey were a by#product of Jorld Jar (wo. +ot a !ery good dance teamE e!erything good was sent o!erseas to be illed. Horace handled the business, ma ing the rounds of agents@ Horace, fighting for breath in the abundance of the icy wind that trilled and whee5ed around the Brill Building, echoing with the sound of a behemoth Goliath with bronchitis. Horace and Hilda had met at the Arcadia Ballroom ## ",ancing nitely, fun for all ages, no minors allowed." Hilda had been fortunateE she had a classical#ballet bac ground recei!ed at the Borough Hall /J.A e!ery (uesday between eight and nine =.'., immediately after the public#spea ing#salesmanship class. She had a big eester and no nay#nays. She was built li e a pear. Ballet helped her so she didn"t ha!e any fat. %ather, she was !ery muscular. A muscular pear. Jith shoes from Kitty Kelly"s, net stoc ings that had been sewn so many times they loo ed li e !aricose !eins, and blac satin tights, the crotch not e7actly split, but gi!ing. (he top of her outfit was solid se8uined ## she lo!ed it and the dry cleaner hated it. A tap dancer had sold it to her when Horace and Hilda were playing the State (heatre in Baltimore. (he tap dancer said she wasn"t going to use it anymore because a choreographer was planning to set a new number for her with college sweaters and megaphones, so Hilda got it at a steal for eight dollars. (he hoofer had originally bought it from a drag 8ueen she wor ed with at the Greenwich Gillage *nn when they had straight acts. (hey had female impersonators and then the straight acts would wor in between. (he drag 8ueen said he paid P09 at 'aharam"s for the se8uins alone. Horace li!ed flamenco and spent all of his time in the rehearsal halls stri ing the classic flamenco pose. (he way he stood loo ed to Hilda as if he were applauding his ass. Horace was a faggot, an out#and#out flaming faggot. He didn"t swish but he was sort of li e an old auntie. He was so ob!ious that e!eryone new he was a faggot e7cept Hilda and her family. (hey didn"t now because they were !ery religious and Horace acted 6ust li e a lot of ministers she had seen in her formati!e years. Horace had chosen show business because it was best for him since he was so ob!iously nellieE not that show people ha!e more of a .hristian attitude toward their fellow men and are less li ely to loo as ance at one who is out of step ## it"s 6ust that their egos are so big and they are so self#centered that they ha!en"t the time to concern themsel!es with the indi!idual and his problems. As with drug addicts, Horace"s homose7ual traits were en!ironmental. He wasn"t "born that way." He was introduced to a group once that ga!e him identity. He was a

stoc boy at 'acy"s and after one summer at Atlantic .ity he came bac a faggot. He could 6ust as easily ha!e come bac a 6un ie or a water s ier or a Jeho!ah"s Jitness ## the point is, he came bac as so!ethin*. "At least *"m something," is the eynote. "* belong to a group. * share their notoriety, their problems, their laughter." *n a crowded arena, the clichO "*t ta es one to now one" is actually a profound philosophy. At any rate, Horace blossomed in this anthropophagous society. He became poetic in his facility to relate in the argot of the citi5ens of Groupery in the county of =added Bas etdom ## the esoteric delight in passing a complete stranger and shrilling, "Get you, AnnieL"E the same idiomatic rapport of the nighttime 6un ie who is loo ing to score. Horace became a faggot simply because he wanted to belong. Jell, the Korean Jar weeded out some of the population and helped the housing problem, but it didn"t lea!e the dramatic impact that Jorld Jar (wo did. As the impact lessened, so did the desire to escape lessen. And all the escape hatches ## the bars, night clubs, theaters ## felt it. And the people who depended economically upon these media also felt it. Horace and Hilda were part of this milieu. * was luc ier. .omedy is an amorphous craft in the sense that there are no academies, there are no formulas. (here are no boo s on comedy that can train an aspirant to command a salary of P944,444 a year, but it is a craft and it can be learned. (he reports on me were now@ "All Lenny Bruce seems concerned with is ma ing the band laugh." (hat should ha!e been my first hint of the direction in which * was going@ abstraction. 'usicians, 6a55 musicians especially, appreciate art forms that are e3tensions of realism, as opposed to realism in a representational form. (he .lub .harles in Baltimore was my last bomb, then. (he owner as ed me if * had any good numbers li e "(he Golf Lesson." (his was sort of a de!itali5ed ,wight $is e routine, with nothing left but the subtle swish. * told the owner * didn"t ha!e any good numbers li e that. Jac =aar, Sophie (uc er, Joe ). Lewis and the other comedy performers of their generation grew up in our culture at a time when the discussion of se7 was secreti!e and chic, so that the do$ble-entendre comedian was considered 8uite daring. *t delighted the customer to be "in" ## "Ha, ha, you now what that means, don"t youF" 'y generation nows ## and accepts ## what that means, so there is no need for humor in that whoopee#cushion !ein. (his is not an indictment of the performers of that era, for * now Hand it disturbs me greatlyI that soon * will be out of touch. * am :1 and already * can"t relate to $abian. (here"s nothing sadder than an old hipster.

Chapter $ight
*n between the club dates, there were many theaters in the +ew /or area that had !aude!ille for one night. /ou got P0B.<4 for a single and a two#person act got about P9<. All the acts were wor ing these dates 6ust to ha!e a showcaseE the money was secondary Hbecause that"s when the rent was due ## on the secondI.

(he announcement would read@ G&,G*L )G)%/ $%*., SA(., S-+. B*+G& )G)%/ (-)S. $%)) ,*SH (& LA,*)S %K& Jefferson, $ourteenth Street. %ehearsals were at B@:4 =.'., shortly after * got off the crosstown shuttle and cran ed out a penny"s worth of semifaded chocolate#brown nuts. How the hell did those nuts get faded in a !ending machine down in the dar subwayF 'aybe they were nic el nuts that didn"t sell in 'iami because of a short season and they were shipped here ne7t. * ne!er new the precise ingredients of the chocolate, but they were superior to '. ? '.s ## they wouldn"t melt anywhere" let alone in your mouth. H(he !ending machine on 39nd near Hubert"s 'useum was the best. *t was integrated with engagement rings, wee harmonicas and teeny red dice.I * washed down the peanuts with a +edic "s hot dog from the orange#drin stand ne7t to the theater. .LA%K GABL) ## S=)+.)% (%A./ B&&' (&J+ %&-GH, %AJ, %*==*+GL ')+ J*(H H)A%(S &$ *%&+ A+, $*S(S &$ S())L (he mo!ie would be on and you"d 6ust ha!e a tal #o!er rehearsal with the fi!e band guys in their room which was behind the pit, or sometimes in bac of the screen. (he bac stage manager wasn"t a indly old man called =opE he was a cran y motherfuc er who ept yelling, "How many times am * going to tell you assholes there"s no smo ing bac hereL" =rince =aul and .ompany, a brother#and#sister high#wire act, were bitching at their outdoor agent. (hey had ne!er wor ed in the States. He had seen them at Jallace Brothers" .ircus while they were touring in .anada and he was selling stoc s in between boo ings. He tal ed them into coming to +ew /or with a promise of getting them on the )d Sulli!an show or a date at the Latin Ruarter. (hey e7plained to him that they had ne!er wor ed in any night clubs since their act re8uired a 0<#foot ceiling clearance after their rig was up. Altogether they needed about <: feet. $or P9<, the =rince had been sweating out B hours of rig assembly, rewor ing the anti8uated floor plates that were in the theaterE he completely se!ered the tip of his forefinger and badly bruised his nee with a miscalculated hammer swingE and he got fed up with Horace playing $lorence +ightingale with his cold compresses and shrie s of "/ou"re so stron*." Jith no cooperation from an unsympathetic theater manager who played 0< different acts a wee , =rince =aul had 6ust finished stripping a lug nut thread on the second guide wire when he heard the bac stage manager yell, "Jhat the hell do you people thin this is, a goddamn rehearsal hallF /ou better ma e sure you clean up e!ery

bit of that crap after you"re finishedL" (he =rince issed his se!ered forefinger, chuc ed Horace in the ass, wal ed o!er to the water cooler, pic ed up the stage manager and threw him directly through the center of the screen, 6ust after Spencer (racy had walloped .lar Gable on the chops, noc ing him down. (he audience thought the stage manager was .lar Gable getting up. * wonder if somebody who saw him flying out en!isioned at that moment the commercial potentialities and formulated the idea for .inerama. (hey too the =rince to the :2th =recinct, lea!ing his sister alone with the grim prospect of doing a nine#minute act with no partner. * can"t describe the e7pression on her face when she loo ed up and saw the rig. $rom the top of the bar there was only three feet to the ceiling. * crouched on my haunches in the wings as =rince =aul and .ompany was introduced as a double. * waited to see what the hell she was going to do as a single, with not enough room to recline, much less stand. She went out and did eight minutesE she chinned herself <B0 times. ,uring this post#Jar period, * was afraid * didn"t ha!e it as a comedian. * had the mental facility, but * didn"t ha!e the psychological capacity to accept re6ection, which * sure got a lot of in those days. *t was after wor in one of those showbi5 restaurants ## the Hanson"s of Baltimore, where e!erybody has his picture hanging on the wall ## that * bumped into (ommy 'oe %aft, who was a terrifically funny burles8ue comic. * had seen him wor se!eral times and admired him immensely. Sitting ne7t to him was a stripper who was the most beautiful woman * had e!er seen in my life. She had long red hair that she actually sat on. She had a face that loo ed li e a indergarten teacher"s. Since she was ob!iously a natural redhead, she wore !ery little ma e#up, stood about fi!e feet, se!en inches tall, and had strength#and#health#club measurements. Her firm alabaster breasts that were mapped with light, delicate blue !eins, showed from her low#cut $rederic "s of Hollywood dress, and * suddenly reali5ed the attraction@ Honey Harlowe was a composite of the Girgin 'ary and a P<44#a#night whore. * sat with (ommy and he introduced us. (hen he in!ited me to a party that she also was attending. * too a cab there and wal ed up the stairs, heading for the door with the noise. (he host was a manufacturer of aluminum awnings, and he "6ust lo!ed show people." (hey used to gi!e parties and get drun , and then the husband would lo!e his show people Hthe strippers and the girl singersI and the wife would lo!e her show people Hthe acrobats and the m.c.sI. )!erybody at this party was sober, and 8uite proper. Some people were e7changing cute little off#color 6o es, and a few intellectuals were discussing the decadence and lac of culture in Baltimore. Honey and * 6ust stared at each other and got hot. Suddenly, right there on the sofa, in the midst of 94 to :4 people, we were hugging and issing and rubbing and groping and embarrassing e!eryone at the party. (his was something special. * new, and * didn"t want to now it. Besides, who

wanted "something special"F * was half#glad and half#sorry when * reali5ed * wouldn"t be around long enough to find outE * had made pre!ious plans to ship out on a merchant ship after the Baltimore engagement. * was bored and depressed, so * had signed up. *f * had met Honey before, maybe * wouldn"t ha!e.

Chapter %ine
* was on the Luc enbach Line bound for (ur ey, Greece, 'arseilles, bac to the 'editerranean * couldn"t wait to get out of a few years before. (wo ships performed the same function ## transporting men and ob6ects across the Atlantic from one place to anotherE one place was =ier 19 on +ew /or "s Jest Side, the other was 'arseilles ## the two ships were the -.S.S. Broo lyn and the Samuel Brown. And * was on them both. Samuel Brown might li!e in Broo lyn ## but in %ed Hoo , not in Seagate. He alone could ne!er attain the stature of all the indi!idual little people in all the neighborhoods from Kensington and Bay %idge to Bensonhurst and .oney *sland who collecti!ely ma e up the borough ## rich, influential and powerful. (hat essentially is the difference between the merchant marine and the -nited States +a!y. But though the merchant seaman commands less social esteem Hthere are no campaigns to write letters to the boys on tramp steamers and no -S& shows at .hristmastimeI, he ma es more money and has an easier life, which are a pair of compensatory factors carrying no small weight. Jhereas in the +a!y * scrubbed the dec s aft of the <th ,i!ision $ire .ontrol (ower e!ery morning ## whether or not it was dirty ## in the merchant marine the boatswain would say, "(he dec around the forward hatch is getting mangy, Schneider. Grab some red lead and paint it." (hat was the pre!ailing climate@ *f it"s dirty, paint itE if it"s bro en, "deep#si7" it. ",eep si7ing," although frowned upon by the ship"s owners, is 8uite a common practice. (his is the procedure, one which you will ne!er find elaborated upon by Jac London@ A :44#foot steel cable, used for mooring, has become frayed and is in need of repair. %ope splicing is comparati!ely simple, but cable is a combination of threaded steel and hemp, and when it brea s under the strain, the se!en#strand splicing is a wic ed 6ob. /ou can"t wor it properly with glo!es, and without them, it is li e trying to wrestle a barracuda. * ha!e struggled with four or fi!e pretty hus y guys, bending and twisting the hawser while it lashed around the dec as if it were ali!e. At the end of se!eral hours our hands were so cut up that we loo ed as if we had butchered a cow in our blood#spattered le!is. )!erybody goes through this. &nce you"!e been through it you are automatically inducted into the ",eep#Si7 .lub." (he initiation ceremony consists of simply throwing the cable into the ocean. (his fraternal rite cannot always be practiced in broad daylight without some sort of subterfuge, which usually comprises raising furious alarm in one part of the ship while the surplus goods are debar ed o!er the side at another. *n the .aribbean or anchored off .orsica, for instance, where the weather is warm and the water tepid, one ,eep#Si7 .lub member would !olunteer to fall o!erboard. (his was a drastic measure, to be sure, ta en

only when a whole set of loc ers or bun s needed repainting. "Jaste not, want not" was not the merchant seaman"s motto, then. &nly those e7cluded from membership ## the captain, the purser, etc. ## disappro!ed of the ,eep#Si7 .lub. (his was because they remained on the ship, whereas, for the most part, seamen sign on for one !oyage and 8uit. Gery few re#sign for the same ship. (his is one indication of the character of men in this area of wor . (heir attitudes and relationships, personal as well as toward their wor , are of a temporary nature. /ou may form friendships of remar able intimacy, sharing the details of each other"s li!es, and then ne!er see each other again. * shared a compartment with two Jest *ndian +egroes who were immaculate in their personal habits, and 8uite entertaining to listen to. (hey had a uni8ue sound@ "'on, what de hell awr ye taw in" aboutF /ou don"t spee de ing"s HinglishL" (hey were mar!elous seamen, and one of them with whom * became !ery friendly, .aleb .hambers, had been all o!er the world 24 times. *t ne!er failed to ama5e me that he was as much at home in +orth Africa, .asablanca or Gibraltar as he was in San =edro, .alifornia. *t really noc ed me out to hear him gi!e directions. *"!e tra!eled the States e7tensi!ely, but my nowledge of places is e7tremely limited. * can tell you how to get from the .i!ic .enter in Los Angeles to Hollywood and Highland Boule!ard, or how to get from &"Hare Airport in .hicago to 'ister Kelly"s on %ush Street, but so could .aleb. He could also tell you how to get from the 'edina in .asablanca to the Galleta in 'alta, and ad!ise you on the fastest, cheapest way to get there. But what really bugged me was that he was so familiar with e!erything e!erywhere that sometimes, when we would hit port, he wouldn"t e!en bother going ashore. *magine doc ing in *stanbul and staying on shipL * ha!e been to about :4 different countries and *"m ashamed to admit that my nowledge of the sights, culture, art and customs is on a par with the limited perspecti!e of any other sailor. *n Lisbon, the only place * now is the American Bar and 'adame Krashna"s. (he same in 'arseilles, &ran, Algiers, *5mir. (he only place * now a little bit about is Libya. (hat"s because the whorehouses are off limits. *f you get caught in one of them, a fine and a 6ail sentence are mandatory. * am enough of a snob to not mind ha!ing a record for 6ewel theft, embe55ling or safecrac ingE but doing time for getting caught in a whorehouse would really be humiliating. (his is a warped concept, * reali5e. Je Americans ha!e a negati!e attitude toward prostitution that is not shared by foreign peoples. )!en the words "$rench brothel" sound e7otic, nearly romantic, compared to "cat#house." And they are more romantic. (hey cater to the imagination and the spirit as well as the body. Here, it"s disgustingly cut and dried. *n 'arseilles, for e7ample, there was a place called 'adame .laridge"s that was delightful. (hey had an Arabian 6a55 trio, a bar and, of course, lots of girls. (hey charged admission, which * suppose you could call a "co!er charge." 'any guys used to go there 6ust to drin and absorb a part of culture few American men e!er e7perience. *f a guy wal s into an American bar with the thought of pic ing up a girl, he will get an audible, hostile re6ection from at least 14 percent of the women he approaches.

And a painful physical re6ection from the boyfriends of some of the other 04 percent when they return from the men"s room. At 'adame .laridge"s, howe!er, if you had a neurotic imagination, you could pretend that you were wal ing into an American bar and that e!ery girl you tapped Hyou had your choice of 94 or :4 beautiful ladiesI was willing to go upstairs with you. "*t seems * can"t go into a bar anymore for an innocent glass of sherry without a do5en women begging me to ta e them to bed. *"m really de!astating. All right, all right, if you insist, one at a time. . ." (heir return )nglish is always 8uestioning, in the few bro en phrases they now@ "How much you gotF" "Short timeF" "All nightF" ".ostume showF" (he costume show is an institution that might well be studied by clinical psychologists. Although * assume none of these girls has e!er read Krafft#)bing, * am sure they are instincti!ely cogni5ant of the many erotic fetishes that men ha!e and are willing to pay for in order to ha!e them catered to. (he costume show cost 0444 francs e7tra, which in those days was about P94. (his might seem e7pensi!e, but we were getting P04 a carton for cigarettes that we bought ta7#free for about <4 cents a carton. /ou had a choice of basic settings ## rooms complete with the particular decor re8uired by the girl in costume to play her part. 0. The Ho$sewi4e 7oo!. (he room was decorated li e a homey itchen. (he girl wore a white cotton dress, an apron, no ma e#up, her hair pulled bac simply in a bun. * didn"t understand $rench, but since she had a complete routine memori5ed * called in a friend to translate for me. "Ah, Antoine, you naughty boy, you are late again. (s , ts , ts . /ou are ma ing your poor mother gray with worry. Ah, ;$el do!!a*e" you loo disturbed, my son. Here, sit by 'omma. (here, that is better, noF See, *"ll massage your bac . But don"t do anything naughty to me. AntoineL AntoineL Jhat are you doingF * am your motherL *n a moment * will ha!e to as you to stop. . ." 9. The 2e!inary. (his cost 9444 francs, but it was worth it. (he room was a bare monastery cell with only a wooden table, some straight chairs and a straw pallet. %eligious statues, pictures and candles were e!erywhere. (he "towel girl" led me in and left me alone there, and as * loo ed about * was furious that when * would tell my friends in the States about it, they would thin it was a lie. +ot only that but they might ha!e me committed. And * was at least as sane as the hundreds of men who !isited this place serio$sly" men who we would consider decadent and degenerate, and more than that, in some twisted way, fanatically religious. *n a moment my thoughts were interrupted by a beautiful "nun," complete in her habit, white starched headpiece, cross around her nec , gold wedding band and all. * was so e7cited that * offered her a 9444#franc tip if she would 6ust sit and tal to me in her bro en )nglishE that was a twist ## a nun confessing to me. * was fascinated with her description of the operation. Some of her stories made my hair stand on end. But she really threw me into a laughing fit when she told me that a large percentage of her customers were priests. *t"s true that my philosophy is antiorgani5ed religion but * am not ma ing this up. She told me that she"d had a few rabbis, too. :. The N$rsery. (his was a sunny little room with small furniture, and an actual crib, with animal pictures and 'other Goose characters painted on the walls. (here were

all sorts of toys, a roc ing horse, a music bo7, and lots of dolls. (he girl was dressed in a little starched white organdy dress, and she acted as if she were no more than 09 years old. &ne of the musicians, who was her fiancO, told me later that she made more money than all the other girls put together. )specially in tips from men who got gratification from ripping the clothes off her, literally tearing her outer and undergarments to shreds. &f course it put a lot of physical strain on her because most of these men demanded that she struggle, for they desired not the se7ual act so much as the illusion that they were !iolating her. 3. The Tort$re 0ha!ber. Again, macabre though * be, * am not ma ing this up. *f this were a production of the Grand Guignol it would ha!e in the program, "Sets and costumes by the 'ar8uis de Sade." (he walls were blood red and adorned with whips and instruments of torture of all descriptions. (here were pictures of men and women in e!ery concei!able pose of suffering and debasement. A record played the Danse 5a%abre. Jhen the girl entered, made up in a satanic manner, wearing a long blac ,racula cape, * really shuddered. She bolted the door. She meant businessL How could * tell her * was only window#shoppingF She too off the cape purposefully. -nderneath she wore only brief blac panties and a push#"em#up bra, arm#length leather glo!es, and what loo ed li e hip#length leather#laced stoc ings with spi e heels that were easily si7#inches high. She wal ed toward me and menaced me with a riding crop, raised it o!er her head and screamed something in $rench, baring her sharp white teeth. Just as in nearly e!ery other delicate situation in my life, * began to laugh. She got 8uite insulted and threw me out. * had laughed myself right out of a beating. Jhat do you suppose would happen to a nonconformist in an American cathouseF

Chapter Ten
Jhen * tal on the stage, people often ha!e the impression that * ma e up things as * go along. (his isn"t true. * now a lot of things * want to sayE *"m 6ust not sure e7actly when * will say them. (his process of allowing one sub6ect spontaneously to associate itself with another is e8ui!alent to James Joyce"s stream of consciousness. * thin one de!elops a style li e that from tal ing to oneself. * don"t actually tal to myself out loud ## "Hello, Lenny, how are you todayF" ## rather, it"s a form of thinkin*. And out at sea you ha!e a lot of time to thin . All day and all night * would thin about all inds of things. Sometimes * would tal out loud up on the bow, where tons of water actually bend the shield plate. /ou would ne!er figure water to be so hard that it could bend steel, but *"!e seen it happen. *n the spring, howe!er, the Atlantic &cean is !ery pleasant, and the trip isn"t so bad. (he first land you sight is a thrilling e7perience. * must ha!e played .olumbus hundreds of times. *t was really fun, standing those bow watches all alone. * always felt that the A5ores were going to sin , because on the map they"re 6ust a bunch of little dots. And e!erything that"s on the A5ores is shipped in. (here was e!en a (ur ish seaman who had gotten an attac of appendicitis on board his ship, and they had

let hi! off at the A5ores, where we pic ed him up. He bun ed with .aleb and me. He had a little leather bag in which he ept all his worldly possessions. He didn"t spea any )nglish, but when he sat down on the bun , * tried to communicate with him anyway, as ing him what had happened to him, although we already new. =eople are the same the world o!er. Just li e an old lady from the Bron7, he proudly showed us his appendi7 scar. * ga!e him two candy bars which he de!oured immediately, and .aleb ga!e him soap and a towel. He scowled at us, and * guessed that probably in his country a towel and soap meant only one thing ## that you were in need of same. * tried to e7plain in sign language. * sniffed him and smiled, in order to show that we all ha!e towels and soap to eep in our loc ers i4 and when we need them. He wrote his name in (ur ish for us, and we wrote our names in )nglish for him. *t seemed to be turning out li e a %ichard Halliburton story. But then he opened his little bag and offered us something. * didn"t now what the hell it was. *t loo ed li e bunches of strips of leather. * as ed .aleb if he new what it was, and he said maybe it was some sort of "good#luc leather." He too a piece and pushed it toward my face, and * pantomimed to the (ur @ "Should we eat itF" ## and then it dawned upon him that we didn"t now what it was. He gestured for a nife and a cigarette. He too the cigarette and opened it up, dumping the tobacco out on the benchE then he started chopping up the leather and the cigarette tobacco, until he had it e!enly mi7ed. He too a pipe from his bag, filled it, and lit it. &h that was it ## some sort of religious ritual li e the *ndians ha!e on first meeting ## a peace pipe. (he tobacco was rather strong, and we passed it around se!eral times, but when the pipe came to me the fifth time, for no apparent reason .aleb loo ed hysterically funny to me, and * started to laugh, and .aleb started to laugh, until we were carrying on li e a couple of damned idiots. "&h, my God, this son of a bitch has us smo ing hashishL" As soon as * got the word out, he nodded and laughed, too. Je smo ed some more, and when it came time to go on watch, the relief man came and said, "(ime to go topside," and * thought that was the funniest goddamned thing *"d e!er heard in my whole life. Je laughed so hard that it scared the relief man, and he went away and didn"t bother us anymore. Jithin a wee * could communicate perfectly with Sabu Hthe name *"d christened himI. * made Harpo 'ar7 loo slow. *"m sure Gincent =rice would ha!e been honored to ha!e me on his team on the (G !ersion of charades. +o matter how hard * tried, though, * couldn"t ma e Sabu belie!e that it was against the law on American ships to smo e dope. He wanted to now why, and * honestly couldn"t tell him. He as ed me what < used to get high, * told him whis ey, and he was horrified. Since then, *"!e learned that 'oslems do not drin . But they sure smo e a lot of that lo!elorn. *t"s based on their religious#health laws. *magine that@ religious laws to smo e dope. But here"s the capper@ (hey"re right. Alcohol is a caustic that destroys tissues which cannot be rebuilt. *t is to7ic, and damages one of the most important organs in the

body ## one that cannot repair itself or be repaired ## the li!er. Jhereas, for e7ample, no form of %annabis sativa Hthe hemp plant from which mari6uana is madeI destroys any body tissue or harms the organs in any manner. (his is a fact that can be !erified by any chemistry professor of any uni!ersity in the -nited States. +e!ertheless, the possession of mari6uana is a crime@ =-BL*. ,)$)+,)%@ /our Honor, * ma e a motion that the prosecution"s statement, "Jas in!ol!ed and did encourage others to parta e in this immoral degenerate practice" be stric en from the record. (he word "immoral" is entirely sub6ecti!e and not specific. J-,G)@ &b6ection o!erruled. )7isting statutes gi!e this word, in the conte7t used, legal credence. .an counselor refer to an e7isting statute that labels mari6uana users as moralistsF =-BL*. ,)$)+,)%@ Jhich moralists are we using as criteriaF Sherman AdamsF )arl LongF Jimmy Jal erF &r does the court refer to the moralists who !iolated $ederal law ## segregationists, traitorous anarchists that ha!e gi!en ambiguity to the aphorism, "&f the people, by the people, for the people. . ." &r the moralist who flouted $ederal law ## the bootleg coffers flowing with billions, illegal whis ey drun by millions. A moral standard that gi!es mass criminal rebellion absolutionF *n the realm of this sub6ect, the ,efense re8uests that the si7 men on this 6ury be dis8ualified on the grounds of unfitness. J-,G)@ .an the =ublic ,efender 8ualify this chargeF =-BL*. ,)$)+,)%@ (he ,efense submits these 8ualitati!e and 8uantitati!e documents in answer to the .ourt"s 8uery. J-,G)@ '7eadin* the do%$!ents alo$d.+ ". . . And these si7 6urors ha!e sworn in the presence of a notary that their daily alcoholic consumption, martinis for lunch and manhattans before dinner, totals an a!erage of a half#pint per day. Jurist also stated moti!ations for drin ing@ "Gi!es me a lift." "+eed a boost once in a while." "After a frustrating day at the office a couple of belts lift me out of the dumps." " * fail to see the merit in your plea to dis8ualify. Jhat is your point, succinctlyF =-BL*. ,)$)+,)%@ &ne cannot cast the first stone ## if already stoned. 'Dissolve to interior o4 ,$ry roo! and new set o4 ,$rors.+ $*%S( J&'A+@ /ou now, * was thin ing, that =ublic ,efender was right. A crutch is a crutch no matter if it is made of wood or aluminum. S).&+, J&'A+@ A couple of those 6urors ga!e me the creeps anyway. (hat one with the thic fingers loo ed li e a real moron. (H*%, J&'A+@ And the other one with those snea y eyes. * can always tell a person"s character by his eyes. $*%S( J&'A+@ (o ser!e on a 6ury in a ci!il case is easy, but when you"re dealing with drug addicts it"s rough. (his damned 6ury duty has me a ner!ous wrec . * had to ta e fi!e sleeping pills to get some rest last night. /ou build up a tolerance to the damned things so 8uic ly. * feel miserable today. *"m really dragging. S).&+, J&'A+@ Here, ta e one of these ,e7ies. $*%S( J&'A+@ Jhat are they forF S).&+, J&'A+@ (hey"re amphetamine, ,e7edrine Spansules. 'y doctor ga!e them to me for depression and fatigue. (hey really gi!e you a lift. * ta e them all the time e7cept when it"s "that time of the month" ## then * ta e ,emerol.

(H*%, J&'A+@ '7$!!a*in* thro$*h her p$rse and prod$%in* a hand4$l o4 pills.I ,o you now what these red#and#white ones areF 'y neighbor"s doctor ga!e them to her to try out. (hey"re supposed to be for ner!es. Better than 'iltowns. S).&+, J&'A+@ &h, these are ,eprols. -mm, no, wait a minute, * thin they"re phenobarbs. '1n elderly wo!an ,$ror" silent $ntil now" t$rns and speaks.+ )L,)%L/ J&'A+@ .ome on, ladies. Je need a !erdict. Jhat are we going to do with this manF $*%S( J&'A+@ &h, yes ## the dope addict. How does a person sin that lowF So * do not understand the moral condemnation of mari6uana, not only because of its nonto7ic, nonaddicting effects as contrasted with those of alcohol, but also because, in my opinion, caffeine in coffee, amphetamine, as well as all tran8uili5ers ## from 'iltown to aspirin to nicotine in cigarettes ## are crutches for people who can face life better with drugs than without. =art of the responsibility for our indiscriminate use of drugs is the doctors". How often does a patient say to his doctor, ",oc, * ha!e this cold coming on ## can"t you gi!e me a shotF" And the doctor does, although the patient might 6ust as easily get o!er the cold without it. &ne of the reasons for this is that the doctor reali5es that most people do not feel that they"!e gotten their money"s worth if they ha!en"t gotten "a shot." But the doctor also nows that constant inappropriate usage of penicillin and aureomycin and other antibiotics is breeding strains of bacteria that are resistant to these drugs, so that not only will their protecti!e 8ualities be lost in the future if e!er they are desperately needed, but more and more people are suffering from dreadful drug "reactions" ## swelling, itching, and sometimes e!en death. And e!ery day the ads and the (G commercials bombard us with new things to swallow so we can ta e the modern way to normal regularity ## things to drin , chew, gargle, stic into oursel!es. *t"s +ature"s way. . . Surprisingly enough, there are actually psychotics in high public places that ha!e been reported to ha!e sy!patheti% feelings concerning the stiff penalties recei!ed by the mari6uana users and narcotics offenders. Judging from the newspapers and mo!ies, one would belie!e that drug users are sic , emotionally immature, degenerates, psychos, unstable. (hey are not right in the head. (hey are weirdos. So, * would assume, they belong in 6ail with all the other cra5y people. &r do you belie!e all that crap about mental#health programsF * mean, you don"t actually belie!e there are cra5y people, do youF /ou don"t actually belie!e people are emotionally unstable, do youF A person is only bad because he wants to be. /ou can do anything you want. Anything. /ou can memori5e 09,444,444 different telephone boo s ## all the names inside them. &r %an you do anything you wantF ,o you perhaps belie!e in the e3isten%e of mental illness, but still feel that treatment for the mentally ill should be duple7edF Good nuts, the ones who blow up trains with :44 people or repeatedly try to ill themsel!es, should be sent to Belle!ue or other institutions e8uipped with mental#health programsE but bad nuts, who try to ill themsel!es with heroin or other narcotics, should be sent to 6ail. After all, what"s the sense of sending a heroin addict to a hospital for intensified therapy and perhaps curing him in three years, when you can ha!e him in and out of 6ail

three times o!er a period of ten yearsF (hen, the last time, you"!e got him for goodL * don"t now about you, but * rather en6oy the way ta7 money is spent to arrest, indict, con!ict, imprison, parole, and then re#imprison these people. *"d 6ust piss it away on beer, anyway. * must admit that, since a certain incident, *"!e ne!er gi!en a penny to mental health. * shan"t mention the city in which this occurred because * ha!e no desire to cause any trouble for the indi!idual in!ol!ed Halthough, what with his being a genuine masochist, he might love the troubleI. And certainly * ha!e no moral 6udgment to bestow on him ## which others certainly would, if they recogni5ed him from my description. * disco!ered the truth about this guy through a friend of mine, this chic who was a hoo erE the guy was one of her tric s. Anyway, this no44ka told me about a tric who didn"t want anything but a good beating. He was willing to pay from P044 to P<44, depending upon how ingenious and sadistic the amusement she de!ised for him was each e!ening. She described the guy in detail to me@ his home, his personal appearance, right down ## or up ## to his toupee. (hen, another hoo er, who, *"m positi!e, didn"t now the first chic , told me about this same tric one night and said that he had as ed her to bring her boyfriend along to help wor him o!er. She was a little wary about as ing her boyfriend to do this because he was a rather surly type and inclined, perhaps, to get a little carried away with his wor , which was important to a!oid, because this tric insisted that he was ne!er to be hit abo!e the shoulders. He was an important man and had to tra!el in respectable business circles, and couldn"t afford to ha!e his scars seen in public. She as ed me if * would accommodate her that e!ening and punch him around a bit. Somehow, * didn"t feel 8uite up to it ## * don"t now, maybe *"m 6ust a sissy ## and * graciously declined her offer. * was sorry about it afterward, because the ne7t day she saw me and complained that they hadn"t been paid because, sure enough, her boyfriend had gotten a little o!ere7uberant and gi!en the tric a blac eye and a swollen 6aw. +ow here"s the capper, and * swear it is true. (hat afternoon there was a meeting of the heads of the mental#health campaign, and * had been as ed to contribute my ser!ices as a performer to a fund#raising show they were organi5ing. * attended the meeting with the other acts, planning the billing and staging, and so forth, and we had to wait for about ten minutes for the president of the committee to arri!e. * had met the gentleman before, a !ery imposing, robust businessman with a brus8ue good nature and a toupee that nearly matched the graying hair at his temples. (ill the moment he wal ed in, * had ne!er connected him with that tric , nor would * ha!e in a million years. But there he was, blac eye, swollen 6aw and all. *t was li e a cheap old .harlie .han mo!ieE the chief of police turns out to ha!e committed the series of brutal murders. *mmediately e!eryone displayed great concern o!er him. "Jhat happenedF" "/ou poor thingL" "&h, my God, George, loo at your eyeL" He sat down wearily and told his tale@ "* was coming out of the =lymouth House last night, about two in the morning, meeting with the board from the -nited $und, you now, and in the par ing lot there were these two chaps attac ing a young girl. Jell, * grabbed one of them and noc ed

him out and clipped the other one, when si7 more 6umped out from behind a car. /ou see, it was a setup@ the girl was in on it ## part of the gang, * guess. (he ne7t thing * new, * was flat on my bac . * mean * couldn"t handle them all."Jere there any witnessesF" * as ed. "+o. At two o"cloc in the morning, * might 6ust as well ha!e been alone in the 6ungle." "Jeren"t there any cops aroundF" "+o. *sn"t that the damnedest thing, LenF *t"s always that way ## when you want a cop, you can"t find one. (hey"re too busy gi!ing out tic ets." "Jell," piped up the ine!itable clichO e7pert, "it"s a luc y thing you didn"t get illed." "/es," he agreed philosophically, "* guess * am luc y, after all." * thought to myself@ He probably would love to get illed, if only somehow he would be able to li!e through it to en6oy it * am not trying to pro6ect an image of myself as pure, wholesome and All# American. Again, * certainly am not ma ing any !alue 6udgment of others and attempting to put myself on a high moral le!el abo!e anyone else. As * ha!e said, * ha!e indulged myself in houses of prostitution. * try to eep in mind that the only difference between a .harles Gan ,oren, a Bernard Goldfine, a 'ayor .urley or a ,a!e Bec , and me, is that they got caught. * am always offended by a 6udge or district attorney with an Academy Award sense of moral indignation. * ha!e great respect for the offices of law enforcement and preser!ation, but *"ll ne!er forget that Jilliam &",wyer was the ,.A. * lo!e my country, * would gi!e allegiance to no other nation, nor would * choose any other for my home, and yet if * followed a -.S. ser!iceman and saw the enemy bind him, nude, face down, and then pour white#hot lead into a funnel that was inserted in his eister, they wouldn"t e!en ha!e to heat another pot for me. * would gi!e them e!ery top secret, * would ma e shoeshine rags out of the American flag, * would denounce the .onstitution, * would gi!e them the right to ill e!ery person that was ind and dear to me. Just don"t gi!e me that hot#lead enema. So that"s how low * am. (hat"s what * would resort to, to eep that lead out of my ass. * spent four battle years in the 'editerranean and saw star!ing priests, doctors and 6udges. * saw ethics erode, again, according to the law of supply and demand. So * am not offended by war in the same way that * am not offended by rain. Both are "moti!ated" by need. * was at An5io. * li!ed in a continual state of ambi!alence@ guilty but glad. Glad < wasn"t the G* en6oying that final "no#wa e#up#call" sleep on his blood#padded mud mattress. *t would be interesting to hear his comment if we could grab a handful of his hair, drag his head out of the dirt and as his opinion on the 8uestions that are posed e!ery decade, the contemporary shouts of@ "How long are we going to put up with .uba"s nonsenseF" "Just how many insults can we ta e from %ussiaF" * was at Salerno. * can ta e a lot of insults. Jar spells out my philosophy of "+o right or wrong" ## 6ust "/our right, my wrong" ## e!erything is sub6ecti!e. After we resol!ed our conflict with the !illainous )nglish, the *ndians were ne7t.

(hey had some absurd notion that since they were here before us, they had some claim upon the land. Setting a precedent for +a5i purging, we pro!ed to those dunderhead *ndians the correctness of the aphorism "=ossession is nine tenths of the law." *f you ha!e any doubts about that, if you"re e!er in 'iami, dri!e to the one tenth@ the Seminole *ndian reser!ation, in the mos8uito#ridden, agriculture#resistant )!erglades swamps. (he ne7t suffering people we had to liberate were the 'e7icans. Je too (e7as and .alifornia. But we always maintained a concept of 6ustice. Je left them a land where holy men could wal @ the desert. Later, continuing with our hollow, rodomontade beha!ior, we in!ol!ed oursel!es in the war to end all wars. After going out on a limb li e that, there were wars that followed nonetheless, especially the one that too courageous Americans, heroic %ussians, in!incible )nglishmen, and the indefatigable $rench, who shared moral unity, ha!ing God and *r!ing Berlin on their side, and censuring those who offended the principles of .hristianity ## the *talians. (he =ope, possessing the clair!oyance of a representati!e of the ,eity, did not flee to Argentina, thereby escaping the fate of Adolf )ichmann. Jhere was *F .oming out of a whorehouse in 'arseilles ## the mental#health official would ha!e been so happy in The Tort$re 0ha!ber. Sometimes when * wor onstage * ma e these stream#of#consciousness transitions so smoothly from one point to another that the audience doesn"t reali5e until later that * ha!e forgotten to tie up the idea * began with. 'ore than once, someone has come bac to the club and tried to get bac in, demanding to find out the ending. Something unusually emotional was happening to me during the merchant marine time. * found that the longer * stayed away from Honey Harlowe, the more in!ol!ed * became with her. *t was so new to me ## what others had called "being in lo!e" ## and * disco!ered that * actually en6oyed abstaining@ a sort of selfless sacrifice. * 6ust was not interested in participating in se7ual relations with anyone but Honey. *t was an ama5ing e7perience for me. * was 9< and * had dated at least 944 girls and been promiscuous with twice that number Hsince this included those * ne!er "dated," in dressing#room bacchanals, chorus girls and strippers who had nothing else to do till their nails got dryI. *t was an inescapable fact@ * was hoo ed on Honey. Jhen our ship hit Spain * too all of the money * had sa!ed and called Honey. *t too me a long time to trace her, from one club to another, and finally to her mother, but then at last * heard her !oice. * told her * lo!ed her and * was coming home.

Chapter $leven
Honey and * got married. . . * was wed to a stripperL Strippers were only a step abo!e hoo ers, e!en as late as 01<0. (he first great

brea #through ## or, rather, brea down ## of society"s nudityAlewdity guilt#by#association was the now#famous 'arilyn 'onroe calendar. 'arilyn"s respectability when she died was based principally upon her economic status, which is, in the final analysis, the only type our society really respects. (here were a number of other steps which she too to climb down off the barbershop mirror and up the ladder of acceptability, the chairmanship of the board of directors of her own corporation. Joe ,i'aggio was the first rung in that ladder. *n marrying all America"s all#American, she challenged society to condemn its own honored image of the red#blooded hero prototype. After all, would Jolting Joe e!er ta e as a wife someone whom we could not admireF After she had thus won the "wor ers" !ote," she copped the intellectuals" appro!al in a tour de force by becoming 'rs. Arthur 'iller. HHe"s a brilliant fellow ## would he demean himself by climbing into bed with someone who was not his e8ualF She reads ,ostoie!s yLI &ther bo!ine ladies began to bare their chests for a fran and honest appraisal of their inner spiritual 8ualities. * ha!e in mind that picture of Sophia Loren sitting in a public restaurant, 8uite e7posed herself, in a gown of delicate dOcolletO, but staring at Jayne 'ansfield"s na ed nipple pee ing out of her low#cut sheath as if to say, "+ow, why didn"t * thin of thatF" 'arilyn 'onroe was (L16#O6 maga5ine"s first =laymate of the 'onth. (L16#O68S )ditor and =ublisher, Hugh '. Hefner, has cle!erly accompanied these center foldouts with capsule biographies emphasi5ing that the =laymate is not necessarily a professional model, but the !ery antithesis@ a secretary, a coed, a waitress, a social wor er. /ou (oo .an (a e &ff /our .lothes and Succeed. Archaeologists a thousand years hence will indeed be confused by the slew of would#be (L16#O6 imitators, and e!en (a*eant Hthe Legion of ,ecency"s =LA/B&/I and other li e maga5ines with their articles interspersed with sweet young & lahoma lasses who are ept from being o!ere7posed by bul y# nit *talian sweaters that ne!er 8uite do the 6ob. *f a girlie boo was all that was left as a document of this generation, an anthropologist of the year 912< would logically assume that this culture seemed to be identified with the religious concept@ "God made my body and if it is dirty, then the imperfection lies with the 'anufacturer, not the product. ,o not remo!e this tag under the penalty of law." 'eanwhile, bac at the strip show, * new that according to all true .hristian standards nudity in itself was certainly not lewd, but burles8ue ## with its "subtle" charades of grabbing, "floor wor ," pulling and touching ## was lewd. Lewd in the sense that there was a woman on the stage whose chief aim was to get the audience horny. * new that my wife would ha!e to stop stripping unless * could rationali5e being a halfway pimp. * decided to de!elop her other talents. Honey had a fairly good !oice. * spent two years doing a double with her, wor ing all sorts of 6oints so that we could be together, but after about the first month, * reali5ed * would ha!e to ha!e more money to ma e her a singer than * was ma ing as a comedian. How to ma e some 8uic money and stay out of 6ail. . .

*f $ather ,i!ine could do it, why couldn"t *L &f course ## that would be the gimmic ## * would become a priest or a rabbi or a mon or whate!er the hell was necessary to perform miracles such as ta ing money from someone else"s poc et and putting it into mine, still remaining within the confines of the law. * had no 8ualms about the sinful aspect of my aspiration because * felt ## and still do feel ## that all so#called "men of God" are self#ordained. (he "calling" they hear is 6ust their own echo. * new, of course, that becoming a rabbi or a priest would be a slow process. .hurches and synagogues were probably hard to come by. *"!e ne!er seen one for rent, and they don"t e!er seem to go out of business. (he ama5ing thing about churches and synagogues is that they ne!er complain about a bad location. * suppose they ha!e a lot of wal #in trade. +o, that would be too slow a process for me. $irst renting the building, then putting ads in the papers, "Grand &pening, $ree =ri5es and Blessings to the KidsL" (hen * would ha!e to hire an organ player, one that would be responsible and show up for the gig. And then * would ha!e to decide if * would be the m.c. or would * hire one, and what would be the theme of the show ## would it be $ire and Brimstone, or *!y#League %eformF (he big problem would be the breadbas et holders. 'ost good ushers were wor ing, * assumed, and the ones who weren"t wor ing had probably been busted for gelt#grabbing. So a house of worship wasn"t the answer. Jhat * needed was some disease which hadn"t been e7ploited yet. .ancer, muscular dystrophy and tuberculosis had been run through the wringer. 'ost people had benefited from their contributions ## they had the same catharsis of guilt for their own health that +obel, the man responsible for the iller, dynamite, must ha!e had when he instituted the +obel =eace =ri5e. * needed a disease. BronchitisF +o, that"s such a unhip disease. At least consumption has a se7ual connotation to itE bronchitis is sort of poor and Jewish. "*"!e got bronchitis, * want a %hallah and some sweet butter." .holera is 'idwest#=rotestant#+elson Algrenish. =ellagra has class. "/eah, * got pellagra ## uh huh, we brought it up from Southampton with us." /ou can e!en ma e out with chic s. "/eah, baby, cool it with him if you want to. *"ll 6ust pellagra it up here. *"ll stay in the pad alone. . ." (hat"ll get her. (he clapL +o one had e!er e7ploited the clapL Jhen the guy comes to your door for the .ommunity .hest or the -nited $und, do you e!er say to him, "Hey, wait a minute, *"m gonna gi!e you a donation, but how much of my buc is going to the clapF" And actually, it"s way up there on the charts. &r are you li e a lot of subintellectuals who would say, "Jell, no, * wouldn"t as about the clap because only bums get it. And .ommunists." Sure, B,444,444 war heroes that are bums and .ommunists. /ou can tal about leu emia all day long, because there"s no specific cure, but the clap ## you could whac it out in two days with all the antibiotics, so how come it"s there and stays up thereF ,on"t e!en say the word clap, man. "*t"s all right, 'rs. Shec ner, you"!e 6ust got a little discharge." Because you get leu emia in a respectable way. But how do you get the clapF By doin* it" and anybody who does that dirty thing ob!iously deserves to get the clap.

Jhy do you thin Ben#Hur"s mother and sister got leprosyF Because they didn"t put paper on the seat. +ow, if your daughter dies in the bac of a ta7icab bleeding from a bad curettage because she had a baby in her belly and therefore she"s a tramp because the witch doctor didn"t put a hoop on her finger, is it any easier for your son to come to you and tell you he has the clapF *f he"s luc y, he may go to some s%h!$%k who sweeps up the drugstore. "Hey, 'anny. . . you"ll mop later, can * tal to you for a minuteF" "Jhaddaya wantF" "Listen, * got the clap." "&h, yeah ## where"d you get thatF" "$rom painting the car, s%h!$%k ## what"s the differenceF * got it, all rightF" "So whaddaya want from meF" "Some pills. /ou wor in the drugstore here." "All right, *"ll gi!e you some pills. ,e7edrine Spansules." "*s that any goodF" "/eah, they"re all the same. (hese are good. (hey eep you awa e so you now you"!e got it." "How do * now when * get rid of itF" "Jell, if your nees don"t swell up and you don"t go blind, * guess you"re &K." "(he reason * want these pills is, * finally got a good 6ob." "&h, yeahF Jhere you wor ingF" "*n a meat#pac ing plant, and * don"t want to lay off because *"m sic with the clap. /ou want some stea sF" "+oE no, than s." * en!isioned my campaign. . . "She"s got it, by 6o!e, * thin she"s finally got itL" And then the chorus would sing, to the tune of "See the -.S.A. in your .he!rolet," ".urb the .lap (oday in the -.S.A., it"s a 6ob that"s ne!er been done beforeL" Jhat a thrill it would be to produce the first .lapathon on (G. *nstead of little children being e7ploited, coming out with their little crutches, you could ha!e glamorous mo!ie stars@ "$ol s, we"!e raised P2>4,444 tonight, P2>4,444 that will be spent for research and treatmentE no longer will men ha!e to suffer the indignity of putting it on the window sill and slamming the window on it." A big ad campaign ## "%emember, an ounce of pre!ention, the most important 8uarter inchL" ## and then perhaps a beautiful dramatic actress would gi!e a testimonial@ "Ladies and gentlemen, * ha!e been helped by this wonderful organi5ationE than s to these bra!e people, we ha!e been brought out of the dar ages. Je ha!e had the clap in our family for years and ne!er new it. 'y husband and * sensed there was something strange about the si5e of %onnie"s head ## he was our first son ## but li e many others we were too ashamed to as our doctor about it. (hen we read the literature, 0$rb the 0lap Today" and we brought it to our family doctor. He read it and to his ama5ement he disco!ered that he had the clap, too. . ." But * was only fantasi5ing again, ma ing stuff up for my own amusement. (hen one day * was loo ing through my scrapboo and * came upon a feature story on myself

that had appeared in (he ,etroit Free (ress.

(&I-+. T/ (/0& #0+.&-. Entertainer Conducts Aid Drive For Lepers 1y &alph +elson Free Press ,taff 2riter )shore in Trinidad in 3455' while his ship was being refitted with guns' a 67-year-old .etroiter began a friendship with a colony in 1ritish 8uiana that remains strong and warm. The people of the colony number about 599 lepers at :ahaicony #ospital' -ast Coast .emerara' 1ritish 8uiana' a handful of missionaries and si" )merican ,isters of :ercy who care for the sick. *eonard 1ruce' of 3;57 ,elden' was then a turret gunner aboard the 0.,.,. 1rooklyn' a light cruiser that saw action at Casablanca and ,alerno' and won a 0nit Citation at )n<io. "2e put in at Trinidad for new guns and repairs from shell fire'" 1ruce said. "It was there I first found out about lepers' and how completely forgotten they are by the world." 1ruce said that the greatest strength for good at the tiny colony is a =3-year-old 0nitarian missionary' himself a leper. "The care and 8odliness that )dam )brigo' himself incurably ill' spread among the sufferers was wonderful'" 1ruce said. "I cleaned out the ship of all we could spare in the way of old clothing' shoes and food' and I!ve been sending the colony things ever since." 1ruce admitted that his private welfare project is getting out of hand. "There are about 599 lepers there' including >9 small children who are stricken'" he said. "Their need for toys' with Christmas coming' underclothing' jackets' candy and food' is overpowering. The colony is very poor." 1ruce pointed out that sunglasses are a great boon to the sick' as leprosy strikes at the eyes' making the e?uatorial sun unbearable. 1ruce and his wife' #arriet' both well-known .etroit entertainers' will leave @anuary 3>th' with a 0,/ group headed for Aorea' for a 39-week stay. "1efore we go' I hope we can reach into the hearts of enough .etroiters' with a few toys or old clothing to spare' to make a good Christmas for the inmates of the leper colony'" 1ruce said. "Twenty-four-pound packages are the largest that are permitted' and it will take a lot of bundles to go around to the ;>9 people and those little children." *etters to 1ruce from (ather )brigo bear mute testimony of the need and gratitude of the colony for gifts 1ruce had sent on his one-man crusade of help. "@ust a package' to the :edical ,uperintendent of the :ahaicony *eprosarium' -ast Coast .emerara' 1ritish 8uiana' ,outh )merica' will do more for these people than anyone can ever know who has not been there."

+ow this article had been factual and * had been proud of it. But for the first time it seemed to me that e!en < had been e7ploited. (he reporter, a nice enough guy, was hard up for a human#interest story around .hristmastime and that was the reason he had written it. He had to ma e some ind of a li!ing, li e e!eryone else. *t was 6ust practical. So my lepers and * got used. Actually, the article didn"t hurt anybodyE it helped people. As a direct result of the article, a wealthy man donated :4,444 pairs of sunglasses. (he people who recei!ed the donations, as well as those who ga!e them, benefited. (hey felt !ery generous and noble and gratified. But more important ## to me, that is, at that particular moment ## was the fact that the reporter had helped hi!sel4. "God helps those who help themsel!es," * remembered. -ntil then my theological nowledge had been limited to the li!es of .hrist and

'oses, which * had read many times. * had been touched deeply by what * understood. * really lo!ed .hrist and 'oses. * related !ery strongly to them because it seemed to me that * thought so much li e them in so many ways. (hey had a deep regard for education and they continually ga!e, with no moti!ation other than to gi!e. Jhich is where we were to differ. * felt that modern#day priests and rabbis were doing about the same thing as that reporter, and no one saw anything wrong with it. 'aybe this is the sort of thing * was cut out for. * could assume the role of a "priest" and raise money for the leper colony. *t would be better than going about it in the amateur manner * had pre!iously employed. (he lepers would benefit, and so would the good people who contributed. And * would eep <4 percent for my efforts. *t was no more ## and certainly much less ## than the ma6ority of charitable institutions ta e out for their efforts. (hey hire professional collecting organi5ations, ad!ertising agencies, fellows who really now how to get the gelt. * might e!en employ some no!ice "priests" myself if business got good. &f course it was dishonest and corrupt, and * don"t fool myself by saying there are degrees of corruption. Just as the old clichO goes, "(here is no such thing as being a little bit pregnant," stealing is stealing. But, * rationali5ed, what is the difference between a real priest and meF *nstincti!ely, * new that for a tr$e man of God with a crystal#clear set of ethics, there could be no compromise. (here are people li!ing on the !erge of ## and dying of ## star!ation in this country. *n +ew /or .ity, in the !icinity of Le7ington A!enue and 004th Street, there are ten or twel!e people li!ing in one rat#infested room. (his is not copping out on the "star!ing masses of *ndia and .hina," although that, too, is nonetheless true, but it is too far remo!ed for people to grasp the horror of children eating out of maggot#infested garbage cans somewhere else in the world. .onditions of unspea able po!erty, filth and humiliation e7ist right here in "the richest country in the world." (his country, which magnanimously balms its conscience by helping Gree orphans and buying bonds for *srael, but manages to pass up the appeal for bail#bond money needed desperately by si7th#generation +egro Americans fighting for their human rights. (he ,aughters of the American %e!olution ha!e supplied enough status and respect due to people for such an honorable heritageE well, some of the +egroes now ser!ing time in 6ail for the terrible offense of wanting to sit at lunch counters are si7th# generation Americans, too. +i ita Khrushche!, when he !isited the -nited States in 01<1, recei!ed obse8uious, o!ersolicitous treatment where!er he went, but my fellow Americans who fought and died for their country are denied the pri!ilege of using a toilet if it is not in the proper geographical location. * did not doubt for a moment then that if .hrist were to come down at that moment, he would go immediately to head8uarters and as the =ope, "Jhat are you doing wearing that big ringF Jhat are those gold cups encrusted with diamonds and other 6ewels forF ,on"t you now that people are star!ing all o!er the worldF At this !ery moment a poor pregnant +egress is standing with swollen an les in the bac of a bus in Bilo7i." And if 'oses were to come down, wouldn"t he order all the rabbis in their $ran

Lloyd Jright sh$ls to sell their tallith for rags and melt down the !e9$9ahs for bail money for all the .aryl .hessmans that sit in gas chambers or electric chairs or wal in the blue#gray shadow of the gallowsF Jould not 'oses say to them, "Jhy ha!e you moc ed the (en .ommandmentsF Jhat is your interpretation of "(hou Shalt +ot Kill"F *t"s not, (hou Shalt +ot Kill #$t. . .* new in my heart by pure logic that any man who calls himself a religious leader and owns more than one suit is a hustler as long as there is someone in the world who has no suit at all. So * made up my mind. * would become a priest.

Chapter Twelve
* spent two wee s hanging around a rectory, trying to obser!e the mannerisms of the Holy 'en. * noticed that the priests had the same attitude toward their lessers as do most successful businessmen@ they treated them li e illiterate children, not by issing them and gi!ing them ice cream, but rather by gi!ing them the ind of treatment which ma es the recei!er feel as though he had graduated from third grade only with the help of political influence. And then, too, they had their friends with whom they would ha!e a few beers when they were off duty. (hey e!en en6oyed telling each other off#color stories. Jith others, they were able, chameleonli e, to fit into the =at &"Brien stereotype. * found an ingenious method of hanging around the rectory without being pic ed up for !agrancy. * sold The =at%htower. ,aily, * learned more about how to beha!e in the manner of men who ha!e the world by the tail. . . no income ta7, no traffic tic ets, you li!e in a world on its best beha!ior, a wonderful, rosy world. . . instead of cursing, e!erybody pours his soul out to you. * would stand there e!ery day watching !isitors go in and out, and * obser!ed, sadly, that most of them were little old ladiesE the ones who actually needed help ## soothing lo!e ## would ne!er come. And, since the priests didn"t go out loo ing for needy cases, the purpose and the end result seemed 8uite parado7ical to me. After a couple of wee s of obser!ation, * reali5ed that * couldn"t bring nyself to start the basic operationE because of years of moral conformity * couldn"t bring myself to brea into a church and steal the uniforms. And, unfortunately, Klein"s didn"t stoc them. But, as * pondered this problem, * noticed something else about priests that made my uniform#heisting tas much easier ## both morally and technically. (heir attitude with strangers was similar to any successful, busy merchant ## curt and direct. (his was the direct opposite of the beha!ior pattern that .hrist was supposed to ha!e followed. So, not only was their life li e the successful businessman"s, it was e!en a little better@ )!erything was deli!ered. &n 'onday, .armelo the barber would come. &n (uesday, the =eerless Laundry man would come.

&n Jednesday, the =aris ,ry .leaners man would come. (his !isit interested me most of all. (he man from =aris ,ry .leaners was a rather nondescript chap with a strong Boston accent. He would rap sharply on the door with a two#bit Leonard Bernstein tempo, an o!erture that was the cue for a cheerful, red#faced father to appear with a bundle of soiled holy garments. (he man from the dry cleaners would come at nine A.'. sharp, e!ery Jednesday. A wee later, at ten minutes to nine, * appointed myself as Guest .onductor, substituting my own noc ## da de da, da de da da da Hthe opening bars to >oe and (a$l" a dirty Jewish fol songI ## for the regular pic up man"s "sha!e#and#a#haircut" rapping. * waited a moment, and a handsome young priest appeared with a bundle of priest uniforms that he would ne!er see again. He studied me 8ui55ically, then said, "Ha!en"t you been selling The =at%htower in front of the rectoryF" "/es," * said, "but * didn"t agree with their editorial policy, and * got a 6ob instead with the =aris ,ry .leaners." * noticed his white collar. Jhere the hell would * get white collarsF (hey weren"t included in the bundle of soiled uniforms. Being an in!enti!e, if corrupt, genius, * said, "$ather, do you now the owner of the =aris ,ry .leanersF" "+o, * can"t say that * do." "Jell, it"s supposed to be a surprise, $ather, but he wants to present 'onsignor 'artin with a do5en handmade *rish#linen collars." "Jell, isn"t that lo!ely ## *"m sure he will appreciate them." "+ow, if you"ll e7cuse me, $ather, * don"t want to be pushy," * said, 6amming my head between the oa sill and the copper binding of the door, "but 'r. Kepnews, the owner, wanted to use 'onsignor 'artin"s collar for a sample." "&h, that would be impossible. (o touch anything in the 'onsignor"s room is unthin able. Howe!er, you could as $ather Langford. He is the same si5e as 'onsignor 'artin." He pointed to a cottage at the end of the rectory yard. As my feet crunched the gra!el, * imagined it turning into red#hot coals. * saw Jalter Huston, the ,e!il himself, laughing at me from abo!e, where he was sitting on a tree limb. * was about to noc at $ather Langford"s door when * noticed a brass plate that announced the residence of 'onsignor 'artin. (he door was a6ar. * strolled leisurely in, whistling 1ve 5aria" and was in and out before you could say, "Blessed are they who gi!e. . ." * had a neat haul@ twel!e collars and, belie!e it or not, se!en of the farthest#out Tillie and 5a% boo s *"d e!er seen, plus one of the numbered editions of Henry 'iller"s #la%k 2prin*. * left the grounds with mo!ieli e timing. * heard the disbelief in the !oices of the real man from =aris ,ry .leaners and the priest as they e7changed the dialog that always follows the disco!ery of an unusual theft@ "Jhy would anyone. . . F" "How could a person be so. . . F" "+ow i4 they had some $se. . ." "(his is 6ust a case of wanton stealing for no earthly reason. . ." * had learned my first important lesson in theology@ 1lways insist on an o44i%ial re%eipt 4or yo$r dry %leanin*.

(he ne7t few wee s were spent with a battery of lawyers getting a charter from +ew /or State which legali5ed the Brother 'athias $oundation. (his licensed me to solicit and disburse funds to the leper colony ## which was not at all illegal, for * meant to do 6ust that. . . after "operating costs" had been deducted. * had it made@ a priest with a disease ## an unbeatable combination. (he first place in which * chose to solicit funds was 'iami Beach. Honey was stripping there, at the =addoc .lub, and * was wor ing at the &lympia (heater in 'iami. Je were li!ing at the $loridian Hotel. Honey was in bed, eating a brea fast that consisted of an orange pop and a hot dog with )!erything on it. * had had 'onsignor 'artin"s pants ta en in at the seat and the legs let out. * had three suits all nicely tailored, cleaned and pressed. (hey fit perfectly. (hey hung in lo!ely incongruity@ the clerical costumes and the G string, side by side. (he sun poured through the room and bounced off the beaded G string. (he prism formed a halo as * wal ed out of the room in my somber blac outfit. * was 6ust about to get into Honey"s 0131 con!ertible .he!rolet with the leopards in seat co!ers when * heard it for the first time, loud and clear@ "Good morning, $ather." (he !oice came from a sensual#loo ing, bu7om woman of about :<. (hey bounced when she wal ed. &oooh, ,addyL * stood loo ing at her, both re!erent and horny at the same time. "*"m 'rs. Jalsh," she said. "Are you at the $loridian, $atherF" "/es, *"m with the Brother 'athias $oundation, and we"re in this area to collect money for the poor unfortunate lepers in British Guiana." "Jell, * don"t ha!e my chec boo with me ##" "&h, no," * interrupted, "a donation was the farthest thing from my mind." "* now that, $ather, but * want to gi!e you something. *"m going to my room ## 30B. Jhen you return, gi!e me a noc , won"t youF" "Jell, yes, if you insist." * watched her do her little#girl pout. Some women can pout so that it loo s as if they"re putting in a diaphragm at that !ery moment. "/ou won"t forget, will you, $atherF" "+o, * shan"t forget." Jith all the sublety of an e7hibitionist e7posing himself in a subway station, she telegraphed@ "'y husband better not eep sending me down here alone." * dro!e away as Honey scowled out the window, de!ouring another one with )!erything on it. * started to dri!e north from the $loridian, heading my winged chariot, which had a con!entional shift that stuc , toward the wealthy homes. A priest dri!ing a con!ertible with the top down would cause a lot of comment in Boston, but here, in the domain of ,a!id and .elia, * went unnoticed. * whi55ed past the mar ets which proclaimed "Goodman"s +oodles" and "Hebrew +ational," past the theater which ad!ertised "Saturday +ight &nly ## .antor %osenblatt, +aftula Brandywine, /etta Stwerling, ,irect from Second A!enue, in 1 5e!o8s Hart9 ## Jewish ,rama." Always the same problem with a little plot twist, li e a pret5el. (he Jewish girl marries a gentile boy and the Jewish girl"s family immediately goes into mourning. (he

gentile husband stays drun and beats her throughout the entire second act. (he third act has the usual happy ending, where the girl gets pregnant, the drun en husband lea!es her, and she goes blind wor ing in a sewing#machine factory. (he child grows up to be a brilliant physician who naturally, is a genetic representation of his mother"s sideE but he stutters terribly because of the gentile blood in him. At the end of the third act, his indly old Jewish grandmother, who has been searching for him, meets him une7pectedly while sitting on a bench waiting for an offstage bus. He isses her and whispers stutteringly in her ear, "* lo!e you" ## in Hebrew. . . but the e!il gentile part of him comes out and he bites her ear off as the curtain falls on the little theater off (imes S8uare. About 34 bloc s off (imes S8uare. As * stopped for a pedestrian to pass, a rabbi dro!e by and ga!e me a friendly wa!e. * wondered, do rabbis and priests always wa!e at each other, 6ust li e people in sports carsF * reached a wealthy section a few bloc s away which, interestingly enough, was inhabited almost e7clusi!ely by gentile families. * par ed the car at the curb and noc ed at the first door. *f you ha!e e!er done any door#to#door selling, whether it be encyclopedias, siding, shingles, baby pictures, or A!on cosmetics, you now that you recei!e re6ection 1< percent of the time. *"!e always assumed that one would ha!e to be a dedicated masochist to pursue this type of employment. As a id, * studied the color transference of a buttercup while lolling on a lawn retreat between soliciting subscriptions for the Lon* <sland Daily (ress. * would commune with nature to recoup my stamina and morale between houses. Actually, * was a door#to#lawn salesman. *t sure was uncomfortable standing on a porch, loo ing through a screen door at a shadowy figure bent o!er struggling with a mohair da!enport while the roar of an unattended !acuum cleaner bellowed and whee5ed. A nine#year#old salesman hasn"t learned the refinements of the game. . . (he first telephone call@ "Hello, 'rs. HardingF * hope *"m not disturbing your dinner. . . Ha, ha, ha ## well, * won"t eep you a minuteE * now it must be delicious. 'y name is Schneider. /our neighbor, 'rs. Jilson, ga!e me your number. +ow, before you hang up, don"t get the idea that *"m trying to sell you anything. .ertainly notL /ou are !ery fortunate, indeed, because my company is engaged in a mar et#research pro6ect and, pro!iding you 8ualify according to our strict specifications, * !ay be able to offer you a most !aluable ser!ice, free of charge ## absolutely free ## which will not cost you one single penny. . . that is, of course, providin* you do pass our strict 8ualifications. . ." (he strict 8ualifications being that she doesn"t hang up. But * cannot indict the system. *t is no more corrupt than any other form of selling. (he term itself, "selling," implies tal ing the customer into purchasing an article he has not pre!iously had any need or desire for. Jhen * was nine years old, * would find myself standing on a strange and unfriendly porch, getting the breath scared out of me by some dopey chow dog who always leaped out at me from nowhere. Luc ily he would 6ust miss me by the si7#inch strain on his chain. ,ogs seem to ta e a particular delight in scaring nine#year#old boys. *

thin it"s really a game with them, harmless enough, li e fetching stic s, because they are certainly capable of illing you if they wanted to. (hey don"t, thoughE they 6ust nip at your heels when you ride past on your bi e. *t"s all in fun. $or the!. * didn"t understand the rules of the game when * was nine years old. * was a prepubic spoilsport. * must admit that when you stand on that porch and they leap out, it does ser!e some useful function. *f you ha!e sinus trouble, your nasal passages are cleared up in seconds. * imagine that"s what the ca!e men must ha!e done instead of ta ing nose drops. *f a id"s nose was stuffed up, they 6ust stood him in front of a ca!e until a dinosaur stuc his head out. By 01<0 * had considerably refined my sales approach. * still had no "opener" telephone call to ease my introduction, but * did ha!e a uniform. A uniform is an important means to instant acceptance. A man is no longer 6ust a manE he is part of an institution ## mil man, postman, diaper man ## he has con8uered the suspicion of being a stranger by ac8uiring a ind of o44i%ial anonymity. He is associated with a definite mission. He means business. * learned that from my e7perience in the +a!y, the merchant marine and, of course, the JAG)s. +ow, my priest uniform o!ershadowed General )isenhower"s in commanding respect. * wal ed up to that P14,444 bay#front home with the yacht par ed in the bac , and the chow dog lay down 6ust the way ,aisy used to in the #londie mo!ies. (hat"s what preacceptance does for you. Androcles had achie!ed it for me thousands of years before, ta ing that thorn out of the lion"s foot. (he door opened e!en before my foot touched the first step. A flustered maid, wiping her hands on her apron, gulped@ "Good morning, $atherE won"t you come inF 'rs. 'cKenery will be right down." (he house was immaculate. (he maid led me to the music room. *n the center was a beautiful Baldwin grand, the grandest piano * had e!er seen. *t probably hadn"t been played since the little girl whose picture stood on top of it had grown up. * con6ured up a mental picture of the mistress of the house. =eople usually loo li e their homes. (his house was spotless, but not the crisp, white# itchen cleanliness with yellow#flowered curtains and a cute ,onald ,uc #cloc decor with which some reflect themsel!es. (his house smelled of wood polished with linseed oil. Some women are .loro7 scrubbersE others are dusters or straightener#uppers. 'rs. 'cKenery was a banister polisher. She entered, a woman in her 24s, with slightly oily s in, satiny as the furniture. She probably used some e7pensi!e mon ey#gland preparation for the purpose of preser!ation, and it certainly ser!ed its functionE all of her wrin les were well#preser!ed. Jithin half#an#hour, all * was able to contribute to the con!ersation was, "* am from the Brother 'athias $oundation, and we are in this area recei!ing contributions for the unfortunate lepers in British Guiana. . ." And * had to fight to get that in. She had ta en a deep breath when she sat down and didn"t stop for another one as she treated me to the most intimate re!elations of her life. $irst she related the details of all the Good Jor she had e!er done ## the organi5ations to which she ga!e unstintingly of her ser!ices. (hen she concentrated on her real sacrifices ## being married to an insensiti!e, cruel man and remaining with him only for the sa e of their daughter so that she could

ha!e a normal upbringing. &f course * had to agree that she, 'rs. 'cKenery, had wasted her life so that her ,olly could ha!e a mother and father and not suffer the indignity of "a bro en home." * in8uired where ,olly was, and * was not o!erly surprised to find that she was at the analyst. After 'rs. 'cKenery cataloged all the sacrifices she had made since her marriage, she described how she had been raped "by a nigger farm hand ,addy had fired." She was only se!en years old when it happened, but she related the Sabine scene to me in intricate detailE detail that is ac8uired only by constant retelling. *t was in the =oe .lassicist manner. "Je li!ed on a two#hundred#acre estate ## do you now where that big new store downtown isF ,addy used to play cro8uet with me there ## it was our front yard." She went on and on and on, into the ghastly description of the lynching of her attac er who, incidentally, had ne!er actually "touched" her, but had been drun and was merely boasting to others of his intentions. "Jhat if he had gotten to meF * still shudder when * thin about it." After the confession of her early traumatic se7ual e7periences, she discussed fran ly her husband"s lac of manliness. "He was never an affectionate man." She sighed deeply, but before * could ta e ad!antage of this opportunity to ma e my pitch, the maid interrupted@ ")7cuse me, madam, but 'r. 'adison is here." * was introduced to Geoffrey 'adison, "a brilliant young poet" who was ac8uainting 'rs. 'cKenery with the Gree classics and teaching her to appreciate tragedy. He was ta ing her to the opening of the first espresso house in 'iami Beach. She e7plained to this sensiti!e fellow the purpose of my !isit ## the wonderful wor * was doing for the poor lepers in ## "Jhere was that placeF" 'adison smiled as ance at me. &ne hustler to another. He reminded 'rs. 'cKenery that they had only 0< minutes to get to the art e7hibit, and she hurriedly wrote me a chec , putting in the amount and signing it, telling me to fill in the name of my organi5ation. She issed my hand and left me alone with the maid, who had been raped, too. Jhen she was 03. * don"t now if * ha!e an e7trasensory gift for di!ining !iolated !irgins, but of all the women * inter!iewed, nearly >4 percent had been raped. (he other 94 percent had either been hurt on a bicycle or horsebac riding, or fallen accidentally on a fence. (heir big problem was that their husbands ne!er belie!ed them. (he maid ga!e me an en!elope, and * couldn"t wait till * got out of the house to the car so that * could open it and pee at the amount on 'rs. 'cKenery"s chec E * was too discreet to conduct such an in!estigation on the premises. (he en!elope contained a poem 'rs. 'cKenery had written about Saint Agnes, also a clipping from the Se!enth# day Ad!entist paper about the tea co5y she had made for the Korean &rphan ,ri!e, and the chec . Jhen * loo ed at the amount on it, * thought there must ha!e been a mista e. * saw the number B<4 in the upper#right#hand corner and figured she had forgotten the decimal pointE but there it was spelled out@ "Se!en hundred and fifty and noA044 dollars." * new then that * was on my way to being the highest#paid analyst on 'iami Beach. *n two days * made only nine calls. (he sessions got longer and longer. * got only

one re6ection and collected P<:44 in cash and chec s. All from the purest, most self# sacrificing women who were unfortunately married to insensiti!e, unaffectionate husbands, and who would all be !irgins to this day if it weren"t for what seemed to be the same lustful rape artist or a fence whose height had been 6ust a little underestimated. * was mildly annoyed because * ne!er got the chance to discuss religion, which was my official sphere of interest. * had done a lot of reading in preparation, and it was all being wasted. (he only trouble * had was from Honey. Jhen * came home that first night, she wouldn"t belie!e that * had gotten "all that money 6ust for nothing." She insisted, "+o woman"s going to gi!e you PB<4 6ust for talkin*." She would go through all my clothes for lipstic tracesE she would sniff me all o!er for the scent of powder or perfume. * ne!er did anything but sha e hands with any of these women, but there were times during our marriage when * issed other girls, and * had found it much safer to lea!e the lipstic on and e7plain it away with, "* couldn"t help it, this tipsy old lady 6ust grabbed me and issed me, she said * loo ed li e her son who was illed in the Jar, she must"!e been about se!enty. . ." *f you"!e e!er tried to rub lipstic off, you now that e!en if you remo!e it all, your mouth is twice as red as it was when you left it alone. Jhen Honey and * had first started going together, she had told me@ "* now how men are, li e butterflies going from flower to flower. * understand that from time to time you may iss another girl, and * don"t mind, as long as you tell me. * 6ust ne!er want to hear it from anyone else." And * belie!ed her. And * did tell her. Just once. "*"m glad you told me," she said, and began a slow burn. Jithin half#an#hour, she had bro en e!ery record * had ## including my Gramercy $i!e B>s ## and ripped up all the pictures * had of anybody * new before we were married, and demanded that * tell her the girl"s name and that we go together to her right then at four A.'. and "ha!e it out." She ended with@ "&K, if you can ha!e a good time, * can ha!e a good time, tooL" $or wee s after, e!ery time * came home from, say, the drugstore, she would say, "How"s your girlfriendF" Jhene!er * tal ed to anyone on the phone, or on the street, or in a store ## e!en a salesgirl ## Honey would charge o!er or, following me in the car, pull up to the curb and challenge@ "*s that herF" (hree days after my confession she saw me tal ing to the secretary of an agent who was trying to get me a boo ing. (his, incidentally, was a woman so ugly * would never ha!e issed her. Somehow Honey got her name, traced her number and called up her husband. She introduced herself and told him. "*t"s not my husband"s fault, he"s !ery wea #minded." (herefore, his wife was to blame, and he probably new she was a tramp, but if he wanted her "in one piece" for himself when his turn came, she"d better eep her hands off meL (he funny thing was that the secretary had been gi!ing her husband all inds of hell for cheating until then. *t really created a lot of confusion. He was !ery sympathetic to Honey and in!ited her o!er to hear the whole story. Jhen she went o!er there, he was half#looped and made some pretty strong ad!ances, figuring that they would console each other, and she was struggling with him when his wife wal ed in. Honey came home with her blouse ripped and her lipstic smeared, and * really ga!e her hell.

(he ne7t day * "made" the stores on Lincoln %oad. Honey happened to be in one of the shoe stores and heard me gi!e the manager my pitch. After that, she belie!ed me. He ga!e me a chec for P044, which was considerably less than the a!erage, but, after all, he had ne!er been raped.

Chapter Thirteen
&ne afternoon as * left a big house on =alm *sland with P9<4 in cash warming my poc et, * beheld a sight that made my heart stop 6ust as it did that day so many years ago when my father wal ed in on me while * was stro ing it. A cop on a motorcycle pulled up to the curb, ic ed the prop stic in place, and said@ ".an * tal to you for a moment, $atherF" "/es, my son, what is itF" He was a nice young man with a polite but straightforward approach "Je"!e had complaints from residents in this area concerning soliciting. *t"s 6ust a matter of form, but * ha!e to as to see your permit" "=ermitF" "/es, your permit." "&h, yes, my permit. . . oh, yes. . . hmmmm." He 6ust stared and repeated@ "/es, your permit." "Gracious, let"s see, did Brother Leon ta e care of that matterF * now * spo e to the .ardinal about it after 'ass. . ." * ept mumbling until my !oice was cho ed off by the sight of a s8uad car cruising down the bloc . *t stopped about 94 yards from us and the police inside the car motioned to the motorcycle cop in a grandiose manner. He wal ed o!er and e7changed a few words with them, while * stood there not nowing what to do. "Hey, youL ."mereL /ouL HeyL Get the hell o!er hereL" * loo ed all around me as if * could not belie!e that anyone could possibly address me in that tone of !oice. (he officer in the car got out. * don"t thin * ha!e e!er seen such a huge man, before or since. He was about 24 years old, must ha!e weighed about 9<4 pounds, and was easily si7 feet, eight inches tall. Jhite hair crewcut. +ot one ounce of fat. Just then another car came wheeling around the corner and slammed up right in front of us. *t was a stripped#down 01<0 $ord. &b!iously two plainclothesmen. =aul Bunyan wal ed o!er to them and conferred with them as four more motorcycles blasted up, their sirens screaming. By this time, all the people were pouring out of their homes. Jithin ten minutes there were four police cars, si7 motorcycles, and three ids yelling "BangL BangL" while rolling in the dirt. +o one had said a word to me since "Hey, youL" (hey 6ust stood off a few paces and eyed me with a sort of ta e#him#dead#or#ali!e loo . (he giant spo e his line again@ "Hey youL"

* attempted to preser!e my dignity in front of my parishioners, who were watching an7iously. "SirF" "/ou heard me, 6ac off. (a e the shit out of your earsL" (hose past few days, sipping tea from bone china with ladies and nibbling %y# Krisp and watercress, had made me feel 8uite pious. * actually shoc ed myself when * heard my !oice come out with@ "* see no reason to use !ulgarity, my son." (wo elderly ladies came to my aid, sha ing their fists at the giant"s hip poc ets. He actually apologi5ed to them for his outburst, but when * loo ed at him with bene!olent forgi!eness, he got hot all o!er again. * edged o!er behind the old ladies. "Get in the car," he commanded. &ne old lady got so frantic she had her prayer beads s ipping around as if she were doing a hula. "Je"re not going to let them ta e you, $ather," said one benefactress, "(hey belong to Satan"s army." An officer tried to grab my arm but one of the pluc y old dolls came up with her purse which must ha!e had nothing less than a bric in it, because it noc ed him s8uarely on his butt. As a refle7, the sergeant came up and ic ed the old woman in the ass, not hard, but hard enough to bring a ,oberman pinscher bounding seemingly out of nowhere. *n retaliation, he too a good piece out of the sergeant"s hip. *t wasn"t long before * heard more sirens, and soon enough we were drawn up in battle lines. &n one side were about <4 policemen, paddy wagons, tear#gas guns, riot# 8uelling e8uipment, and the fire department, whose men were beginning to screw the fire hose onto the hydrant. &n the other side of +o 'an"s Land * held my ground with my army of elderly ladies and our K#1 .orps, Brutus the ,oberman. Although we were no more than 9< feet apart, the captain in charge pic ed up one of those electric spea ers you see in prison pictures, where the warden always says, "Gi!e up, ,utch, we ha!e you surroundedL" 'y ladies had formed a %ed .ross unit and were passing out hot coffee to the ran s. (he mechanical !oice boomed o!er the megaphone. "(his is .aptain GoldmanL Gi!e up now and no one will be hurtL /ou will be gi!en fair treatment, whether you are a priest or notL Je 6ust want to ta e you down for 8uestioningL *f you ha!e any .hristian feelings, you will surrender yourself and spare this mob the tear gas and fire hose which we will use if they do not disperseL" * loo ed at my forces and my heart swelled. (here were nearly <4 women, the youngest about >4 years old. (hey stood at attention, awaiting the decision of their leader. )!erything was orderly and disciplined e7cept the ids. (here were do5ens of them yelling "BangL BangL" "*"m Hopalong .assidyL" "*"m Bishop SheenL" as they rolled o!er in the dirt, creating the impression of a genuine s irmish. But my ladies stood fast. * li e women in that age brac et, because they"re the only ones who still wear rouge. * loo ed sadly at my troops and said, "* had better go." A crac ed crac er !oice behind me spo e up determinedly. "*f you don"t want to, we"re behind you, $atherL" And * heard the clic of what sounded li e. . . and to my ama5ement, it was indeed. . . she had coc ed the breech of a monstrous#loo ing elephant

gun. "Je"re behind you," another cried. And she started to hum, then all 6oined in singing, "*"m bra!e when He wal s with me. . ." (he police stood across the way and gaped, dumfounded. $or one cra5y moment, * thought, "How nice, Honey and * will mo!e into this neighborhood and * will be their pastor." "/ou ha!e ten secondsL" (he !oice boomed o!er the loudspea er. (he ladies pressed together around me in a solid phalan7. Brutus pric ed up his ears. "&ne. . . two. . ." * saw the firemen ready the hose. "Beat your swords into plowshares," * said gently, raising my hand in peace, and wal ed away from my blue#haired battalion toward the enemy. (he captain whispered in my ear@ ",on"t ma e any dramatic gestures to those biddies or *"ll crease your head with this club." "*ncitement to !iolence is not the path of righteousness, my son," * assured him. (hey too me in the s8uad car. *nstead of going directly to the police station, we pulled up at a .atholic church. (he captain intended to assure himself that * was a fraud before they boo ed me. (he 'onsignor came out. Je spo e for half#an#hour. (he arrest report describes the result of that meeting@ * was boo ed on a charge of !agrancy. (hey searched my hotel room, found the charter of the Brother 'athias $oundation, and reali5ed that e!erything was in order. (hey wired +ew /or to find out if * was wanted there. Jhen * came up clean, they released me. *n court the ne7t morning * was found not guilty. (he law had ta en a close loo at me and recogni5ed my occupation as legitimate. *t was )asy Street from now on. * went home and counted my receipts. * had collected about P>444 in three days. * made out a chec for P9<44 to the lepers and ept the rest for operating e7pensesE it would ta e a lot of gas to get us to =ittsburgh. 'y !ision mathematically calculated the numbers on the highway signs. -.S. 040. . . =)++. 39. H040 plus 39 is 03:.I =eripherally * read the impersonal directions@ (%-.K %&-()E ,)(&-%E G& SL&JE S.H&&L N&+). ,id the guys who had painted those signs wonder where they would be placedF How tragically ironic that most of these signs are made and painted in prisons, perhaps by life#termers who would ne!er ha!e the opportunity to see their handiwor in "action." How sweet and truly .hristian it would be if e!ery priest, minister and rabbi would be responsible for a lifer and ta e him out for 6ust one day so he could see his artwor on a sign or perhaps on a license plate and be able to say to himself@ "* made that." Just one day out of his cage. Goddamn the priests and the rabbis. Goddamn the =opes and all their hypocrisy. Goddamn *srael and its bond dri!es. Jhat influence did they e7ert to sa!e the li!es of the %osenbergs ## guilty or notF Again, the (en .ommandments doesn"t say "(hou Shalt +ot Kill 2o!eti!es. . ." So the =ope has his secretary issue a statement about not e7ecuting .hessman. Jhat is thatF Jith the tremendous power of the .hurch * don"t belie!e they could not

ha!e e7erted pressure enough to get him off if they had really wanted to. But they didn"t. He was an agnostic. He did not as for forgi!eness. He might ha!e had a chance if he hadn"t been so stupid as to continue claiming he was innocent. Jhy don"t religious institutions use their influence to relie!e human suffering instead of sponsoring such things as the Legion of ,ecency, which dares to say it"s indecent that men should watch some hea!y#titted *talian starlet because to the! breasts are dirtyF Beautiful, sweet, tender, womanly breasts that * lo!e to issE pin nipples that * lo!e to feel against my clean#sha!en face. (hey"re cleanL * say to you, Legion of ,ecency ## you, with your dings scrubbed with holy water and %o each soap ## you"re dirtyL Jhy doesn"t the Legion of ,ecency say@ "*t"s indecent that men should stand by and watch cyanide gas administered to human lungs in a death chamberL" (he answer is because in their philosophy life is not as important as death. *f death and the imminence of death ser!es the purpose of bringing a person to his nees before the .hurch, then it is worth using as a positi!e instrument of propagating the faith. (he .hurch therefore condones capital punishment. (hey went a long way toward refining its methods themsel!es during the .rusades and the *n8uisition. &f course * disagree with them and of course they ha!e a right to belie!e whate!er they doE all * want is for them to come out and admit it and stop issuing sanctimonious bulls saying one thing while they pursue the opposite. And since they condone capital punishment, * want them to stop bitching about Jesus getting nailed up. (he Burma#Sha!e signs whi55ed past and suddenly =ittsburgh sprang up and yelled "BooL" as the dar bro e. *t loo ed so dramatic, the city in the dawn, that * felt a twinge in the pit of my stomach. * don"t now e7actly what it is, but any city at that time of day gi!es me the feeling * used to get when * swallowed the contents of a Ben5edrine inhaler and chased it with .o e. *t really was "(he =ause that %efreshes." * guess * feel funny about the city because it"s so big and alone. * was always alone when * was a id.

Chapter Fourteen
=ittsburgh was all alone, too. Li e a tough =olish id with a homemade haircut, cap, nic ers, and a bro en tooth. Honey and * chec ed into the 'ilner Hotel. (hose 'ilner Hotel rooms were beautiful, with high ceilings and fa e fireplaces and the mirrored pictures with the flamingo bird. "A ,ollar a ,ay and Ser!icemen Jelcome." Je always got a special rate for a double. (here was no toilet in the room ## it was at the end of the hall ## but there was a sin in the room. +eedless to say, * ne!er washed my face in it. (he thing * especially li ed about 'ilner Hotels is that they always had real

pillows with chic en feathers in them. * hate those foam#rubber pillows. /ou can"t bend them o!er. (hey eep bouncing up. +othing is more obscene to me than a foam#rubber pillow co!ered with a clear plastic polyethylene 5ipper bag, e!en more so when it starts to turn brownE it loo s li e the burnt isinglass in a potbellied sto!e. *"m probably the only one who e!er really loo s at the mattress in hotels. (here always seems to be a brown stain around one button. *"!e ne!er stained any of these mattresses, and *"!e as ed a lot of people who are !ery truthful and ha!e no inhibitions, and they"!e told me they ne!er stained any either. (here must be some guy who stains these mattresses before they lea!e the factory. * finished e7amining the mattress and then * double#loc ed the door. Honey had the dopiest thing about always ma ing sure the door was loc ed. * used to tell her, "Jhat the hell, *"m in the room, nobody is going to bother you." But she would go through the whole ritual, going outside the door, ha!ing me loc it from the inside and ma ing sure no one could get in. * used to really put her on. Jhen she was loc ed out *"d start screaming and yelling to her as she tried the door. "Get awayL Lea!e me alone, you horny broadL /ou"re a nymphomaniacL *"m all sore, * can"t do it anymoreL" Honey gets embarrassed if she coughs in an ele!ator. She hates anything loud, and although she is a sensiti!e and delicate lady, she gets me hotter than any woman * ha!e e!er nown. Jhen * finally let her bac in the room, she was angry, so we made up. Later we decided to get the rest of our stuff out of the car. (o my consternation, the car was gone. StolenF (he audacityL * had a sign on the windshield which clearly read@ .L)%G/. Jhat a sin ## stealing a holy automobileL Should * call the policeF +o, * would call head8uarters. "Hello, operator, gi!e me %ome ## *G'LG." Honey, being more earth#bound than *, hustled me off in a cab in the direction of the car pound. She noticed that we had been par ed the wrong way on a one#way street on the no#par ing side in front of a fireplug during a rush hour. As we rode along, the wind blew her long natural#red hair across me so that it caressed my nec and shoulders. * too her in my armsE it was so lu7urious, riding in the bac seat as if * were 'r. $irst#+ighter with his own chauffeur. * held Honey tight. )!ery part of her was warm and sensual. She always dressed crisply and smelled clean. * don"t now how long we had been par ed in front of the car pound when the dri!er finally summoned up an "Ahem" and pointed to the meter, which was still running. (he officer in charge of the pound treated us to a brief lesson in morality. "Jhat"s the matter with you people ## don"t you belie!e in signsF" * ne!er understood what that was supposed to mean. ",on"t you belie!e in signsF" Suppose you say, "+o, * don"t belie!e in signs." Jill they let you go because in this country we"re guaranteed freedom of beliefF +o man is to be forced to belie!e in something that goes against the grain of his conscience. "(hat"s right, officer, * don"t belie!e in signs." "Gery well, brother, go in peace." Anyway, we paid the fine and got the car out. *t was the blac 01<0 .he!y con!ertible that we had bought on time. (hat"s such a cute way to put it, the implication being that you don"t really ha!e to pay money, you 6ust sort of adopt it for a little while, eep it around, and it"s yours. * recently found my financial records and loo ed up the figures. (here was no record on the .he!y, but the .adillac * bought right after it originally cost only P020 a

month. * too a loan on it and had it refinanced to payments of P2: a wee . *t was new when * bought it in 01<0, and when * sold it in 01<B ## still ma ing payments of P9<3 a month ## * still owed P0944 on it. * got only P144 for it and had to scrounge around to ma e up the difference of P:44 in order to stay out of debtors" prison for the right to ride the bus. Honey and * were on a tight budget in 01<3 ## P0B for groceries, P2 for insurance, P3 for the Laundromat, rough#dried and folded. Laundry was always a big problem. Honey figured out that when the baby came, our laundry bill would be doubled and we could sa!e a lot of money by getting a washer#dryer combination which was ad!ertised by the appliance store for only a dollar down "on time." (hat"s all she could see@ "*t"s only costing us a dollar, the Laundromat is paying the rest." *nstead of P94 a month to the Laundromat, we paid P90.42 to the appliance store. Je were going to sa!e what would otherwise ha!e been "doubled" when the baby came. * new intuiti!ely that it was a mista e. But Honey always had a way of e7plaining things to me so that it loo ed as if the store was ta ing a big screwing. Je too ad!antage of more stores ## it"s a wonder they"re still in business. J-S( P0 ,&J+. . . &+L/ P90.42 A '&+(H +& H*,,)+ .HA%G)S. . . +& G*''*.KS And they were telling the truth. /our only in!estment was a dollar ## that is, if you were willing to use your washing machine in their store. (hey wanted P:2 for truc ing charges to deli!er. "Are you idding ## P:2F *"ll get a couple of guys, we"ll ha!e it out of here in a minute. . ." (he first step in e7ploiting your friends into doing manual labor is to get them to admit they"re not doing anything first. "Hi, 'anny, what"s happeningF" "+othin" ## we"re 6ust hanging around the pad here." "Listen, you want to ha!e some ic sF * got a new Kenny ,rew Album and Joe 'aini is on it and he really sounds good. Jhen will you be o!erF *n about ten minutesF &h, wait a minute, * got a wild idea. Listen, *"!e got to tal soft. Honey is in the itchen. * saw a nutty#loo ing chic in this downtown store who"s a real balling frea . And * hit on her and she"s a nut for bass players, so * told her that *"d bring you o!er. *t"ll be perfectE * can snea out on Honey because *"!e got to go o!er there anyway to pic up something." (his operation is 8uite successful with the a!erage satyr who is always "ready." (he girl#in#8uestion has always con!eniently ta en the day off when you get there, and after your friend reco!ers from the disappointment of the !anishing phantom lady, you march him to Appliances. * shared his second shoc . *t was a big white monster that was designed to "wash "n" dry" in one cycle. *t really was 8uite a wonderful machine. *t could do e!erything but get through the goddamned door. "A little this way." "-p on this end." ")asy now, easy now, easy now" goddamnitL" "&h#oh, one sure thing, we can"t ta e it bac now." "Jell, we"re luc y it"s 6ust scratched in the bac ."

&f course, there are always hallway superintendents that hit you 6ust when you are in the worst position, when you"re going down the stairs with it. &ne guy"s fingers are slipping, and it has your shoulder pinned against the fire e7tinguisher, and you ha!e to go to the bathroom in the worst way ## and he hits you with encouraging words li e "Are you guys iddingF /ou"ll ne!er get that thing out of hereL" And there is still one guy who as s, "/ou got a matchF" And would you belie!e it, * in!ariably rea%h for one. Jith the help of a young, willing id we got the machine into the street. /oung boys are sincerely godli e in attitude. A young id will always help. * thin the moti!ation is for adult acceptance, and the sweet part about it is that you now it"s ne!er profit moti!ation, because when you go to gi!e them some money, they always say in a shy, aw ward manner, "+o, that"s all right, mister." And when you force it on them, they"re 8uite embarrassed. Jhat happens to sweet, willing young boysF Jhat happens to all of usF Je ne!er stop anymore and say, ".an * help you, misterF" 'y musician friend had a 0134 =ontiac con!ertible, and the washer#dryer 6ust fit in the bac seat. (he edge of the machine pushed the dri!er"s seat way forward, lea!ing my friend pushed tightly against the wheel. As we dro!e along, he loo ed !ery intense because of his position, as racing dri!ers used to loo before they got stand#offish, hugging the wheel. Je were tal ing and laughing about the dirty tric * had pulled on him, but the con!ersation stopped at e!ery bump and * would 6ust hear whoosh" as the machine inad!ertently ser!ed for an artificial respirator. Je got to the house, and the car couldn"t ma e the steep dri!eway, so we had to lift the machine out of the car and carry it 24 feet. As we were carrying it, * thought this would be a great torture de!ice to gi!e to the Secret Ser!ice. (he landlord loo ed on apologetically, and then said, "* would li e to help you" ## he was one of those guys ## "but, you now, *"m not supposed to lift anything." (he final %o$p de *r?%e that * had anticipated with fear now became a reality@ the itchen door was too small. But you still eep thin ing that no one would design a product that couldn"t fit through an a!erage door. Je finally got it through the li!ing#room door. By this time, my thumbnail and my inde7 ringers were 'editerranean blue. 'y friend"s bac would ne!er be the same. Je set the machine down with a thump on the li!ing#room floor, ta ing a breather before we attempted to lug it into the itchen. *t was such a cute little itchen. (he house was really a cute little house. A cute little gingerbread itchen with a cute little door, si7 feet high by two#and#a#half feet wide. +ow * don"t care who you are ## e!en if you"re the mo!er who did Jilliam %andolph Hearst"s San Simeon 6ob ## you"re not going to get a washer#dryer, four feet high by four feet wide, through that door. Jhat the hell, a lot of people ha!e washer#dryers in their li!ing rooms. (hey also ha!e pigs and chic ens, but they"re *ndians, and they li!e in 'e7ico. (hat"s it, goddamnit, the ma6ority rules. *f * were a 'e7ican or an *ndian, and all our neighbors were 'e7icans or *ndians, we"d thin nothing of ha!ing the washer#dryer in our li!ing room. As * sat with a glum loo on my face, wondering whether we ought to mo!e to 'e7ico with the washer#dryer, Honey started with, "Jhat the hell are you so grouchy

aboutF Boy, you ta e the fun out of e!erything. * ha!e to sit here all day by myself, and you"!e been gone three hours." /eah, that"s it. *"m 6ust selfish. 'anny and *, we"re ha!ing all that fun, smashing our fingers and putting our bac s out of whac . But * ne!er went into this with Honey. * 6ust than ed her, grateful for the laughs she ga!e me. Je couldn"t decide where to put the washer#dryerE perhaps ne7t to the sofa, or better yet in a corner, since the li!ing room was a little o!ercrowded anyway. Honey considered ma ing a coffee table out of it, but then we would ha!e to build up all the couches and chairs. &f course, we could ha!e made a "coffee counter" out of it. But what the hell, we were sa!ing money. Luc ily, we hadn"t sent the wee ly car payment in yet, because it cost that much plus P04 to ha!e the plumber come in and connect the machine. *t really loo ed wild. . . those two big, long blac hoses going out of the li!ing# room window into the yard . . . li e the laboratory where $ran enstein"s monster was born. )!erything wor ed fine, until the neighbors started watering the lawn. *t had something to do with the pressure. Jhen Honey was washing clothes, the owner would stand there holding a watering hose in his hand with 6ust a tric le coming out. Je got the plumber bac to do some more fi7ing and pipe changing. +ow Honey could do the washing, and the landlord could water the lawn ## but suddenly his wife screamed out the window@ "(he toilet won"t flushL" Jhene!er anyone flushed the toilet, you couldn"t wash clothes or water the lawn. Jhich wor ed pretty good, e7cept for those of us who had problems because of early toilet training and suffered from anal repressions, since it was necessary to yell at the top of your lungs, "*"m going to the bathroomL Stop washing and wateringL" (hen you could flush the toilet. $or those of us who found this announcement too traumatic, there were pro7y announcers. * learned, also, that the landlord, who was 8uite a timid soul, was using the facilities ne7t door. (he dopey dryer part of the machine was gas#operated, and it had a pilot light that ept going out. (he pilot was right on the bottom, one in%h from the floor, so you couldn"t see it, you had to feel it. /ou had to reach in with your fingers, press down a button and light a matchE then you had to hold it for at least :4 seconds till it too . * don"t now what ind of matches the in!entor of the machine used, but in :4 seconds, the matches < used always burned my fingers ## or else, because of the fact that most floors carry a bit of a draft, the matches burned out in 0< seconds. But the machine had a "guarantee." &f course, li e all guarantees, it only co!ered parts. (he particular part that was gi!ing me trouble cost :> cents, but the son#of#a#bitch who had to come in to replace it cost P92. *t wasn"t bad enough that * had been e7ploited by the department store, but now a mechanic, too. (hat"s something which has always bugged me. %adios, automobiles, whate!er ## you"re really at the mercy of the repairman, because when they loo in "there" and throw a lot of mechanical terms at you, you really feel li e an idiot. *t"s the same with a bro en watch. Jhen the guy tells you that you need a new blah#blah#blah, you can"t say, "Jhy, that blah#blah#blah is in per4e%t condition." 'aybe some day *"ll write a 5an$al o4 2tin*!anship. *t will contain one

completely esoteric reference to apply to each mechanical de!ice the a!erage guy owns, so that the repairman will assume that you"re a genius and that you now twice as much as he does. $or e7ample@ /ou ta e your radio in to be repaired. Before the guy unscrews the bac , you say@ "* don"t now what the hell it is ## those new low#impedance osculators ha!en"t had 8uite the filtration powers that the old QB904: set had. *"d chec it out myself, but *"!e got to rip down that damned radar installation * put up last month in the %adon Galley." After you gi!e the repairman your name and address, lea!e immediately, before he has a chance to as you if this radio is A... or ,..., which, if you"re li e * am, you wouldn"t now. All the 5an$al would contain would be one or two good sentences for e!ery appliance. * wonder where that washer#dryer is today. *"!e always wondered about things li e that. Jhen * loo at a refrigerator that * figure must be :4 years old, * now that the couple who first bought it lo!ed it dearly and shared many personal e7periences with it. =robably it was already there in the house at the arri!al of their first#born. *t probably held the formula for all their children. And then whatF Sold. =erhaps to some guy who had a Boat, ,oc and $ishing )8uipment Shac E and the butter, mil , eggs, Jell#o and lefto!er spaghetti was replaced by fro5en bait and cans of beer. (hen maybe, in between homes and people, it stands in a -sed Appliances store. /ou"!e seen them@ big, bare stores with maybe <4 or 24 refrigerators, old and new, with descriptions scrawled on them in blac crayon@ "As *s," "=erf. 'echanical .ond.," "Beauty, .lean," "%epossessed." Are they happy there, all the refrigerators togetherF ,o they tal to the gas sto!esF Are electric sto!es snobsF (here they are, an army of refrigerators, e7pensi!e ones and budget 6obs, rich and poor. *f one of them were socialistically minded, he might indeed say, "Some of us are old and some are 8uite modern with roll#out trays and automatic cube dispensers, but while we are here, we are all the same. . . because we"re all defrosted."

Chapter Fifteen
Li!ing from one cra5y disaster to another, Honey and * were always laughing, idding, teasing, lo!ing each other. +othing could really hurt either of us because we were always together, and when one of us was down the other would pic the both of us up. * had ne!er en6oyed sleeping as much as when * slept with Honey. She 6ust seemed to fit so nice, and * would really sleep soundly. *t was funny, because when we first got married, * had ne!er slept with a woman before. * had s%ht$pped plenty of women, but * had ne!er slept with one. * was fairly promiscuous, but * always went home "after," so it too me awhile to get used to sleeping with someone. * remember, about the second wee of our marriage, Honey was heartbro en because * as ed for a room with

twin beds. But little by little, * got used to sleeping with her, and after a while * couldn"t sleep without her. * was li e that id in (ean$ts with his dopey blan et Honey was the most tic lish person in the world. All * had to do was look at her and say, "*"m going to tic le you now, *"m going to gi!e you the worst tic ling you"!e e!er had," and she would really get giggly. * would 6ust ha!e to touch her side, and she"d laugh so hard the tears would come to her eyes. She really made me laugh and did all inds of bits for me. As *"!e said before, she had the most beautiful hair *"d e!er seen. *t was naturally red, and she could sit on it. Jhen she wears it down, some women are so catty that they come up to her ## in a hotel lobby, a shopping mar et, a mo!ie theater ## and say, "&h, what lo!ely hair you ha!eL" ## and then they always touch it and gi!e it a little yan E Honey wised me up as to their moti!ation ## some women wear things called "switches," long pieces of store bought hair that fit in their own hair and match it in color, by which de!ice they can ma e their hair loo about a foot longer than it really is. * had ne!er seen anyone with hair as long as Honey"sE to hear others tal , though, >4 percent of the women in the world had hair that long, but they 6ust cut it last wee . "&h, when * see your hair that long, * could 6ust shoot myself. 'y hair was 6ust as long as that, and * cut it, li e a damn fool." *f * were depressed, Honey would e!en use her hair to try to cheer me up ## tic ling me playfully with it, or e!en ma ing a mustache out of it. Je were dri!ing happily along the streets of =ittsburgh, as silly as a couple of ids, sitting s8uee5ed up tight to one another, deliciously in lo!e, and laughing about my plans for the Brother 'athias $oundation. Je approached an intersection and came to a stop. *t was dus . (here was a large truc a bloc #and#a#half away, coming along at about 34 miles an hour. * saw that we had plenty of time and nosed out to ma e it across. But as * pulled out an old =ac ard touring car whipped around the truc , passing it at brea nec speed. *t was a con!ertible ## as it came on us * could see the sudden terror in the dri!er"s eyes. He in!oluntarily screamed, "'aL" * felt a rough substance coarse against my lips. *t was cement. * had been thrown out of the car, and my mouth bit into the pa!ement, the curb connecting with my head with the thud of a coconut crac ing. * found out later that my s ull had been fractured, but * stood up immediately with that superhuman strength that people always ha!e when "'y life was sa!ed by )!eready flashlight batteries." (o my horror * saw the =ac ard ramming my car down the street. (he seats were empty and both doors flapped li e mechanical wings of death. * saw the bac wheels go o!er Honey"s soft young body. * heard her hips crac li e the sound of a .hinese fortune coo ie. (he ne7t moment the truc , coming behind the =ac ard, also ran o!er her. * raced to her and threw myself upon her. * felt something warm and wet, and loo ed down. *t was her intestines. &h, my sweet wonderful baby, my wife, e!ery combination of e!erything, my mistress, my high priestess, * lo!e her so much, please God let this only be a nightmare. Her face was gray and there were puddles of blood around her. * yelled, "&h God, why are you punishing her for my sins, whyF" * issed her cold face and shouted into her ears, "* lo!e you, ta e me with youL" * prayed and cried and wished for death, and all at once * reali5ed we were in the center of

a huge circle of people. * loo ed up into the faces of the crowd that had gathered and * new * had been punished. * sat on the curb and wept as the siren of the ambulance became louder. "&h, dear God, how ashamed * am, not ashamed of sinning, but ashamed that * ha!e fallen into the mold which * despise, * am the image of the men * hate, the debauched degenerate that all men are who only in last resort find religion. How shallow you must thin me, God, for surely if * were yo$r God, * would say "(o hell with him. Jhen he needs me, then he prays. But when he doesn"t need me * ne!er hear from him." * cannot say * am sorry that * posed as a priest, but * can tell you this, if you let Honey li!e *"ll rip up the charter and ne!er do it again." $our months later, Honey too her first step. (he doctor said that with proper care, e7ercise and rest, she would regain her normal posture and health within a year. * than ed God silently. (hus ended the career that might ha!e dwarfed those of Billy Graham and &ral %oberts and all the other e!angelists who sa!e. Sa!e e!ery goddamn penny they can lay their hands on. (he only hang#up now is, * wonder if God is a man or woman, or what color He is. Since the Bible could not be read if it weren"t for printing, and the .hinese people were smart enough to in!ent printing, God must be yellow. Jhat would His son"s name beF JongF JesusF &r .hrist Jing $atF "/ea, * say to thee !illilee." * now that God is not Japanese because they illed nuns at =earl Harbor. "Jell," the theologians say, "* don"t belie!e that God is a person. God is within me." (hen He"s a cancer, and all those scientists who want to cut Him out must hate God. &r perhaps God is a trans!estite who practices !oodoo ## the $ather, the Son, the Holy Ghost. And *"m confused about the direction of Hea!en. *t"s not $p there, because the earth re!ol!es, and sometimes you can go to Hell at >@:4, and Hea!en at 09@42. (he %oman gods had naught to do with religion, e7cept for (uesday +ight Jrestling ? .hristian#)ating. And the )gyptians before them didn"t relate to .hristianityE %ameses was the son of God, and he balled e!erybody in the ingdom including 'oses" mother. And Jeho!ah"s Jitnesses came to Atlantic .ity during the busy season and couldn"t get any rooms. Jhat is the answerF (here is no God. Do!in$s non se;$it$r. .ertainly on an intellectual le!el * cannot buy the mysticism attached to any man# made religious ob6ect, whether it be the !e9$9ah nailed to the door sill ## at least if they"d ma e it functional and put a chain on it, you could use it for a loc and iss it at the same time ## or the white plastic statues that $ather Gregory from Louisiana has manufactured, the proceeds of which go to building segregated .atholic schools ## they can ma e those white plastic statues functional, too, by tying them in electronically with the bumper and the windshield washer, so that when you do someone in, at the same time you can gi!e him the last rites and bapti5e him. Jith the money that Honey and * got from the accident, we bought a new .adillac ## a blac four#door, really chic 6ob that cost P340B. Je dro!e to Arcadia, .alifornia, to see my father, who had remarried. Je were going to go to Hollywood ## "where my father is" ## and then Honey would really get into the mo!ies. 'y father

wasn"t really in!ol!ed with the motion#picture industryE in fact what he was really in!ol!ed with was a chic en farm. Je wor ed on the farm for two months. *t was li e being bac with the ,englers. * really put the place into shape. Honey did the canning. (hen my father and * had a beef, and we left. Je couldn"t get 6obs. .alifornia is a weird place ## you"!e got to get boo ed from +ew /or . -ntil Honey and * started "winging" ## that is, getting into a higher#income brac et ## we always bought secondhand sto!es and refrigerators. /ou could get a sto!e for about P:< and a refrigerator for about PB<. Jhen we were li!ing on the .oast, * new she wanted a new refrigerator, but * couldn"t afford it. At that time, * was wor ing a burles8ue club, and there was a (G producer from the show, 6o$r 5ystery 5rs." who was a regular customer. Li e most !oyeurs, he needed a rationali5ation for watching the strippers. "(he girls ## are you iddingF (hose old bagsL * go to see the comediansL" (his was in part true. Somehow these guys ha!e the misconception that the m.c. can fi7 them up with the girls. But the re8uest ## "Jill you fi7 me up with so#and#soF" ## is preposterous, unless a girl is an out#and#out hoo er, which strippers are notE otherwise they would be hoo ers, not strippers. &f course, there are some people who sell themsel!es for money. (hat "some" constitutes 14 percent of the people *"!e nown in my life, including myself. Je all sell out some part of us. Any 01#year#old girl who is married to a wealthy, elderly guy. . . well, ne!er mind that ## 6ust anyone who is married for security is a hoo er. (wo dollars for a short time, as opposed to a marriage license and a lot of two dollars for a longer time. (he point is that women, unli e men, cannot be "fi7ed up." Jith the e7ception of a hoo er, you can"t go up to any girl and say, "How about doing it with my friendF" $or women to ma e it, there has to be a lo!e moti!ation, or at least a chemistry that passes as lo!e. &n the other hand, men are animals. Again, guys will ma e it with mud, dogs, cats, goats ## as any guy who has been unfortunate enough to spend time in an institution, or a place where men are depri!ed of women. 'any of these men will practice homose7uality, ne!er to return to it upon release. *ronically, the way homose7uals are punished in this country is by throwing them into 6ail with other men. * remember one of the funniest newspaper shti%ks *"!e e!er read was this case where a 'iami 6udge ga!e two guys :4 days in the county 6ail ## are you ready for the chargeF ## for issing each other and dancing in one saloon or another on Alton %oad. He told them in court, "* reali5e that this is a medical problem, but * ha!e to set a precedent at the beginning of the season." /ou"re allowed to iss all the pet9ies you want in 'arch, but don"t 4ress in $ebruary. Before * go any further, * had better e7plain what ind of show 6o$r 5ystery 5rs. was. . . A++&-+.)%@ *n 01:0, today"s 'ystery 'rs. lost her family in a mine e7plosion. Bra!ely she went on alone and through years of self#teaching and discipline,

she was able to support herself. Jhere other women, used to the support of a husband, would li!e off the charity of relati!es, your 'ystery 'rs. studied day and night, came to +ew /or .ity, and now has a wonderful 6ob. She is an usherette at the %o7y (heater. &ne night last month, in the line of duty, showing two people to their seats, she tripped and fell and has been incapacitated e!er since. She has been too proud to accept any help. &ur show heard about this pluc y widow and decided to do something. (here aren"t many pluc y widows, fol s. How many of you out there can say you now a pluc y widowF How many widows can say in all honesty, "*"m pluc yL" '1ll the widows in the a$dien%e stand $p and say -<8! pl$%ky.-+ A++&-+.)%@ &ur 'ystery 'rs. has always dreamed of ha!ing her own set of matched luggage. Je"re going to ma e that dream come true. And our 'ystery 'rs. is. . . 'Or*an 4an4are. . . %a!era pans to 5ystery 5rs." seated in a$dien%e.+. . . /ou, 'rs. %alph Jhoo5is from Alberta, KansasL 'rs. Jhoo5is does her "surprise" ta e ## sometimes referred to in the business as the ",oes he mean !e&- ta e. (here are se!eral accepted methods of creating e7pressions for the surprise. &ne is to clench the fist of the left hand, simultaneously drop the lower 6aw, and in a split second bring up the left side of the other clenched fist so that the inde7 finger lands between the teeth. *ndi!iduals who ha!e seen a few neorealistic *talian films, where the "wronged" bites the inde7 finger in anger, usually do well with this ta e. (he announcer wa!es both wrists limply but speedily to encourage applause. 'rs. Jhoo5is ta es her luggage after shedding a few tears on the unbrea able, unscuffable, unfashionable crap they gi!e her ## and housewi!es at home sigh and identify. +ow, when the producer of this show was drooling at his fa!orite stripper, * ne!er dreamed that a time would come when * would be in!ol!ed with a 'ystery 'rs. "/ou now, Lenny, you"re a pretty creati!e guy," he said one night, ha!ing corralled me bac stage, "because e!ery time * come in here you"!e got some new material. /ou now, *"m pretty creati!e, too. * don"t li e to blow my own horn, but *"m a brilliant writer. (he shame of it is, nobody nows." "How"s thatF" * as ed, loo ing at him as one loo s at a desperate man standing on a ledge. "Lenny, did you see 6o$r 5ystery 5rs. yesterdayF" "Hardly. *t goes on at nine o"cloc in the morning." "* had on a widow that not only lost three sons in the Jar, but two husbands. And she"s a blood donor. Je got more telephone calls on this show than on any one we"!e had in two wee s. =eople from all o!er. Some furrier from the Bron7 is going to send her a full#length sheared#bea!er coat to eep her warm. (he pitch was, she has gi!en so much blood that now, by some strange 8uir , she has low blood pressure." "Ama5ing," * said. * always say that when * don"t now what the hell else to say. Jhen * don"t say "ama5ing," * switch off with "Boy, some people," or sometimes an "* don"t belie!e you." Another good phrase is ".an you belie!e thatF" *f the tal er is bitching about being e7ploited, the best one for that is, "*t seems some people, the better you treat them, the worse they are to you." &r, "*t 6ust doesn"t pay to be nice to people." After * ga!e out with two "Hmms" and a "(hat"s one for the boo ," the producer laid it on me@ "(hey eat it up, Lenny, you wouldn"t belie!e it, but they eat it up. (he cornier it is, the more they eat it up. And now are you ready LennyF Are you ready for the bitF *t"s all bullshit, ya hear meF Bullshit with a capital K. * write it. 'e ## poor little,

stupid me ## is the one that ma es "em laugh and ma es "em cry. * ma e it all upL "/ou now who that pluc y little widow isF She"s a waitress * met when * was in the Air $orce. * bumped into her in a dancehall last wee ## now, mind you, * ha!en"t seen her in o!er, let"s see, the Jar was o!er in 013<, * came bac to L.A., why, it"s an easy 03 years ## and * says to myself, "+ow * now that broad from somewhere." (hen it hits me. She"s "Go ,own Gussie." (his broad was the greatest $rench 6ob on the Jest .oast. Lo!ed it. .ouldn"t get enough of it. * said, "Hey, remember that place where you used to wait on meF" She loo ed at me for a minute and couldn"t place me. * didn"t ha!e the toupee then and * guess * loo different without it." His toupee was the ind which had lace in the front that loo s li e a screen door cut out, and he always had it on a little croo ed. * don"t now who it could ha!e fooled ## maybe passed#out drun s or little babies. Jhen he sweated, it used to curl up in the front. Anyway, he continued@ "Je shot the shit for a while and then * told her what * was doing and as ed her if she would li e to be a pluc y widow ne7t wee . "Jhat"s in it for meF" she says. "+ine inches," * says. "Always braggin", ain"t yaF" she says. * says, "Let"s go up to your apartment and fi7 some grub, *"m star!ed." She says, "* don"t got anything in the icebo7." " &f all this degenerate flac he was throwing at my ears, the one thing that hit me was her icebo7. How sad ## the icebo7 again. * wondered where she got her icebo7. 'aybe it was one of those built#in icebo7es that =ullman itchens ha!e. Hoo ers" icebo7es always loo the same@ a 6ar of mustard, a .o e, maybe a lemon, and half an onion wrapped in wa7 paper. (he producer went on and on, describing in lewd detail how she had $renched him. (he poor $rench. (here"s an e7ample of how one minority group has gi!en a whole nation an erotic reputation. *t could easily ha!e been another country. He could 6ust as well ha!e said "She =olac ed me." He e7plained that the "widows" or "grandmas" or "ha!e#a#year#to#li!ers" were all people who could be trusted ## friends of his or the other writer for the show, or people those friends sent. (hey could ha!e their choice of two deals@ &ne, ta e a straight P<4 and he would eep the pri5esE or, two, if it was the "Bas et .ase" Hthe act which had the most dramatic impactI, you would get P<4 and split the pri5es. (he big pri5es were a color#(G set, a washing machine, a set of sil!er, and an air#conditioning unit ## all of which they got free from the distributors in e7change for plugs. "/ou need anything, LennyF Any appliancesF" "Jell, * %o$ld use a new refrigerator. . ." "/ou got it." "* don"t thin *"d ma e a !ery con!incing pluc y widow." "Loo , Lenny, if you can get me an old lady about 24 years old that you can trust for ne7t Jednesday, the machine is yours. And, let"s see. . . er ## if you can get me ## yeah, that"s it, get me a 24#year#old lady and her wedding picture, get the wedding picture as soon as you can so * can get it to the lab and ha!e it blown up, and *"ll gi!e you a script 'onday. "She doesn"t ha!e to remember much. * ne!er gi!e them more than a few lines@ "* only wish the 'ister was ali!e to see thisL" &r, "'y boy is coming home from the Geterans Hospital, and this (G set will ma e all the difference in the world to himL" * gotta go, Len, *"ll see you Jednesday at the office. Here"s my card. Bring the wedding

pic. *"d li e to stay and see =rincess (al6a, but * gotta go. /ou now what they say, when ya gotta go, ya gotta go." *"!e ne!er nown who the hell "they" are, but *"ll bet they belong to the American Legion, ha!e !ery white s in with real white legs, and wear Joc ey shorts, and blac shiny dress shoes with blac stoc ings on the beach. A 24#year#old ladyF 'ema had a relati!e that she was pretty friendly with, and she called her on the phone and e7plained in /iddish what she was to do. She said "+i7," but she had a friend who was a real vilda %hi Hwild oneI. She said this woman was perfect, she spo e !ery good )nglish, etc. * went o!er and met 'rs. Stillman. (he woman was about B4 but loo ed about <<, had bleached#blonde hair, full ma e#up, and platform shoes ## the highest *"d e!er seen, about ten inches. Jith the platforms, she was about four feet tall. Some Jewish ladies loo li e little birdies to me. * flipped when she showed me some sheet music she brought out. She was going to be on (G, so she was going to sing. She had all of the Sholom Secunda hits HHe was the /ip Harburg of Second A!enueI. She said she also new a few stories, but maybe they were a little sh!$tsik for (G. Jhen * told her that the program wasn"t e7actly that type of format, she was !isibly sha en. * was afraid * was going to lose her, so * started to pad ## "But then, after you tell them about your tsooris maybe you"ll sing your song." (hat made her happy. * figured after she told the story * would shuffle her off into a room and gi!e her a 8uic con about o!ertime. (he song she was planning to sing was #ells 5ine 2%htatetala #ells. She ga!e me her wedding picture, and * got it o!er to the office. *t was perfect. A real old tintype. (he story was going to be a real bas et case@ "'iss Jhoo5is was a spinster who searched her whole life for the perfect man. She has always been lonely and unhappy. (wo months ago, on a boat from Greece, came a man who was her ideal type. (hey met at Horn ? Hardart"s .afeteria, by the sil!erware section. He was confused by some of the food, the chow mein in particular. (hey met e!ery day and fell in lo!e, but sadness struc our happy couple. "George =olous was unemployed and the *mmigration ,epartment was going to send him bac . But he has a lot of money coming to him, if only he can find his -ncle +icholas who has PB444 of his inheritance. (his is a wedding picture of -ncle +icholas and his wife. 6o$r 5ystery 5rs. did a great deal of research and was saddened to disco!er that George"s -ncle +icholas had passed away. But his wife was ali!e, and his wife had the money put away for George." And guess who the aunt was going to be, boys and girls ## that little Jewish bird lady, my aunt"s friend. Her wedding picture would be shown on a (G screen. (here was 'r. and 'rs. +icholas =olous in their wedding picture ## as played by 'r. and 'rs. Stillman. *t was two days away from the show when 'rs. Stillman called me and as ed me to come o!er immediately. *t was about the show. &n the way o!er, * figured the worst. 'aybe she wanted a trio in bac of her when she was singing. She loo ed pleasant as she sat me down on the polyethylene#co!ered furniture. "'r. Bruce, * want you should feel !ery rela7ed wid meE efter all, you and * boat now

things about life." * thought to myself, .hrist, who is going to belie!e this Hebrew +ational is a Gree F Jell, maybe they would introduce her as a symbol of brotherhood. A Gree who li!es in an old Jewish neighborhood and has assimilated. "Jhat *"m gettin" et, is, you are dishonest cheating me." "&hF" * said. After all, her pri5e was supposed to be a refrigerator#free5er combination, a washing machine and a (G set. * was going to get the refrigerator, she would get P<4, and the producer would get the rest of the pri5es. ",on" ect tric y wid me, Sonny." "(ric yF Jhat the hell are you getting atF" "&ne tousend dollars, that"s what *"m getting at. . . * tal ed to my son in Jestchester dis mornin", end * told him to watch me on the telewision. He sed to me, "*"m so heppy for you, 'omma, how much are you gettingF" * told him P<4. Gell, he"s leffing so hard, * said, "&h, *"m a comedianF" He says, "'omma, you are de beggest suc er in de world, people are always te ing ed!entage of you." Jell, that is the trut, 'r. Bruce, people he! always made a good#time Benny out of me. "He told me that Shirley Bec , who li!ed downstairs from us when we li!ed in Laguna Beach last year ## was it last year now, let me see, Gera was :9 years old, and Helen was pregnant in June, yes, last year ## Shirley was on the Groucho 'ar7 show and got P0444, and 'r. Bruce, P0444 is not P<4." "*s that right, 'rs. Stillman ## P0444 is not P<4F ,o you reali5e that if this information gets into the wrong hands, our country could be in great dangerF +ow, loo , * don"t now what you"re trying to pro!e, but *onsa *es%hikta-## which means "the whole thing" ## it"s always good to throw in a couple of /iddish words when you"re debating with a member of the older generation ## "is for our refrigerator, which * need, and that"s the reason *"m getting you on the show. And for doing this for me, * want to *ive you P<4 from my own poc et. (he rest of the pri5es are a washing machine and a (G set that the producer wants for letting !e get yo$ on the show in the first place. +ow, * don"t now where any P0444 is going to come from." "Geil, dat"s your headache already. *"m not doing it for a penny less than P0444." * left her house a beaten man. *"m such an impulsi!e nut that as soon as * had heard about getting the refrigerator, * had promised ours to a couple who had 6ust been married, and they were so happy about it. . . * told Honey the bad news. She said, "(hat"s all right, ,addy, the old one is plenty good." "/es, but * promised to gi!e it away, and * can"t disappoint these people." "Jhy do you ha!e to use 'rs. StillmanF Get another woman." &f courseL *t still wasn"t too late. * was supposed to bring 'rs. Stillman down to the studio to sign her release the ne7t day. Honey new a woman of about 24 who made most of the strip wardrobe for the girls. She was !ery good#natured. Je called her on the phone and she was perfect. (he only slight problem was that they already had the wedding picture of 'rs. Stillman blown up ten feet high by four feet wideE and 'rs. 'c+amara, the seamstress, was about fi!e feet, nine niches tall and weighed 024 pounds. * briefed her, and then we met the producer. "(his is 'rs. Stillman," * said, "our bas et case." "Jell, she doesn"t loo too much li e her wedding picture. How the hell tall is her

husbandF" "&h, he was a big man," she said without missing a beat. (he show was :2 hours away. And then * got a call from one of my best friends, a sa7ophone player. He was bro e, and he had a chance to ma e some bread in a recording session, but he needed P<4 to get his alto out of hoc . *t came to me in a flash. "Joe," * said, "your mother"s going to gi!e you that fifty dollars." "Are you idding, LennyF She hasn"t got fifty cents. And if she has, she"s already spent it on wine." Joe"s mother was the sweetest, best#natured woman *"!e e!er met, but she did li e her +apa Galley. * e7plained the (G deal to Joe, and he called his mother and then called me bac , saying that it would be a perfect deal. Joe"s mother would be 'rs. 'c+amara, posing ne7t to 'rs. Stillman"s picture, who was supposed to be 'rs. =olous, who was going to gi!e to her Gree nephew ## who was going to be deported ## PB444 that she had been sa!ing for him e!er since his -ncle +icholas had died. (hen George and his Horn ? Hardart sweetheart could be married, and * would get my refrigerator, and Joe"s mother could ha!e P< for wine Hwhich * ga!e to her as an ad!anceI, Joe could ha!e his P<4 to get his alto out of hoc , and the producer could go straight to 6ail if anything went wrong. At >@:4 on the morning of the show, Joe"s mother and * met the usher as we had been directed to do, and he sat her in a special seat, with me ne7t to her. (he people who were going to be "surprised" always had to be seated in the right seats so that the cameraman new where to pic them out. Luc ily, the producer of 6o$r 5ystery 5rs. came late, and when he saw Joe"s mother sitting ne7t to me, clutching her brown paper bag twisted into the definite shape of a wine bottle Hand she really was bo7ed ## * had ne!er seen her so drun ## and 6ust thin , she"d be on tele!ision in ten minutesI, he ept staring at her with a what#the#hell# am#*#losing#my#mind#is#that#the#same#woman#who#was#up#in#my#officeF loo . Before the program started, a warm#up master of ceremonies told some disgusting water#closet#humor 6o es. (hen he e7plained about the applause. And then the show was on@ "Somewhere in this fruitful land, someone nice needs a helping hand. . . and we present, with lo!e and isses 'Or*an 4an4are.+. . . 6o$r 5ystery 5rs.&(he first act was a light, what they call humorous, bit. $our men were onstage behind a rig with their pants rolled up to their nees, so that you could see only their legs. *f this woman could pic her husband"s legs, she and her husband could win a round trip to Holland to attend her father"s funeral. * heard a strange sound and my heart stopped. Joe"s mother was snoring. * ga!e her a good pinch and brought her out of it. Jhen the announcer said, "And it"s luc y you, 'rs. +icholas =olousL" the camera panned to her 6ust in time to see her issing the brown paper bag. * whispered, "Go ahead on up there, please. ,on"t forget, you"re not doing this for Joe"s alto but for my icebo7." *t too her two years to get up to the stage. (he m.c. obser!ed !ery 8uic ly that his ne7t guest was drun . "'rs. =olous is certainly a bra!e woman, fol s. She was 6ust discharged from the hospital this morning, and against doctor"s orders she"s here. *"m going down to help her." (his got the

audience"s sympathy, and his 8uic thin ing turned round one into a winner. (hey flashed the wedding picture on the screen, and you would ha!e had to be blind not to ha!e seen that this was not 'rs. =olous. (here was a weight difference of about >4 pounds ## which difference you might buyE people do lose and gain weight. But they don"t grow se!en inches. 'rs. Stillman was a little tiny woman. Joe"s mother was e!en bigger than 'rs. 'c+amara. But when they flashed the picture on, all the women in the audience ga!e one of those "&h, isn"t that sweetF" sighs. (he announcer reminisced about the wonderful life that 'r. and 'rs. =olous had shared, and how bra!e she was, and how he new that she was comforted by the memories of her late husband. And all Joe"s mother ept saying was, "/eah, he was a hell of a manL" (he m.c. didn"t 8uite belie!e what he had heard the first time, and he sort of laughed to co!er up, but she ept saying it@ "/eah, he was a hell of a manL" He sensed she was going to go into a stream of profanity, and when * loo ed up inside the glass booth, * saw the producer staring down at me, nodding his head slowly and mechanically. All of a sudden * saw a cue card that the audience saw, too@ "G)( (& (H) =%*N)S A+, G)( H)% (H) H)LL &$$L" (his certainly confused the studio audience. A bra!e woman li e that, who had 6ust gotten out of the hospitalF *s that way to tal about herF Get to the pri5es and get her the hell offF ". . . And a beautiful refrigerator with a double deep#free5er compartment will be sent to your home . . ." (he show was o!er, and * hustled Joe"s mother into a cab, after she insisted * go bac and get her the wine she had left under her seat. * came home with a bottle of champagne and two hollow#stemmed glasses. Honey lo!ed that ind of glass, and she lo!ed champagne. She was standing in the doorway with an *"!e#got#bad#news loo on her face. "Jhat"s the matter, sweetheartF" "* 6ust got a call from guess who ## 'rs. Stillman. Her son in +ew /or watched the show and saw her picture being used. He called his lawyer and they"re suing for in!asion of pri!acy." And sue they did. But e!erything turned out &K. * got the refrigerator, Joe got his alto, his mother got her wine, and 'rs. Stillman settled out of court. +aturally, though, the producer lost his 6ob. * felt sort of bad about that, but soon enough he was producing a show twice as big as the 6o$r 5ystery 5rs. pac age. And this one is still runningE still successful. All of which goes to pro!e the old adage, "/ou .an"t Keep a Good .roo ,own. . ."

Chapter "i#teen
*t was starting to get desperate for us financially, and Honey said, "&K, *"!e got a chance to strip." "&h, .hrist, no. * don"t want you to go bac to strippingL" "Jell, *"ll 6ust go stripping for two wee s, and that"ll be it. *"ll play Las Gegas."

(he thing was 6ust to get enough money to ma e payments on the car ## P094 a month. * had it all figured out. * got a room for se!en dollars a wee . * ran an ad in the paper@ "L)++/ (H) GA%,)+)% ## L)( ') ),G), .L)A+ A+, '&J /&-% LAJ+ $&% P2.44." And * li!ed, 6ust for the hell of it, on 0< cents a day. * coo ed for myself. * was ma ing P14 in a burles8ue 6oint, plus the money * got from gardening. * had Honey"s picture up and flowers in the window of my room, 6ust li e a shrine. * had ne!er been separated from her before, and * 6ust couldn"t wait for the two wee s of stripping in Gegas to end. But the night she was supposed to come home, she called up and said she had a chance to stay o!er for two e7tra wee s. "Are you iddingF .ome home." * begged and begged and begged, but she stayed there anyway. (hat was a telltale sign of where * stood in the marriage. * started eating more crap and more crap. * was a complete sla!e. * was really hung up on her. )!entually, Honey and * were to get di!orced. * finally had some guts and got rid of her. She left me. Je ept brea ing up and going bac together at my insistence. She was always better at holding out. After you brea up and go bac again enough times, you get hip to one thing@ the time of day you brea up is !ery important. *f you run away in the middle of the night, there"s no place to go. /ou can"t wa e your friends up, and in a small town you"re really screwed. *t"s best to brea up on your day off, in the afternoon. /ou get out and you go to the mo!ies. &therwise, li e a s%h!$%k" you"re standing on the lawn at three o"cloc in the morning with a pillowcase full of clothing and the door loc ed behind you. (hat"s when you"re not proud that you"!e "li!ed ne7t door to someone for 0< years and didn"t e!en now their name." Jhen * got di!orced, a couple of ma6or maga5ines, li e Ti!e" as ed me, fi!e years later, that dumb 8uestion@ "Jhat happened to your marriageF" * figured * would throw a real stoc line and they would now * was putting them on and they would cool it. "Jhat happened to my marriageF *t was bro en up by my mother#in#law." And the reporter laughed ## "'other#in#law, ha, ha, what happenedF" "'y wife came home early from wor one day and she found us in bed together." "*n bed ## that"s per!erse." "JhyF *t was her mother, not mine." &ne thing about getting di!orced, it ga!e me about an hour"s worth of material. (hat"s not bad for an eight#year in!estment. But * didn"t now how screwed up * was o!er Honey until one night she came into the club where * was wor ing and sat ringside with some guy. * completely fell apart, and was able to do only a nine#minute show. $ess who < saw today" !y dear. . . How can * e!er get married againF *"d ha!e to say the same things to another woman that * had said to Honey. And * couldn"t say the same things to another woman

because somehow that would be corrupt to me. * wrote half a musical, and * did blues from it on the Ste!e Allen show@ 1ll alone. 1ll alone. Oh" what ,oy to be all alone. <8! happy alone" don8t yo$ see. <8ve %onvin%ed yo$" now how abo$t !e: 1ll alone. *"ll get my own pad. *"ll really swing. *f you can"t li!e with them and you can"t li!e without them, *"ll go one better@ *"ll li!e with a lot of them. * can really fi7 up a pad. *"ll get hi#fi stereo, a bullfight poster, a blac coffee table ## no, *"ll get a coffee table and ma e a door out of it ## and a pearl#white phone. And sit bac and rela7 and finally be all alone. All alone. Honey used to loo so good standing up against the sin . * don"t want a sharp chic who 8uotes KerouacE * 6ust want to hear my old lady say, "Get up and fi7 the toilet, it"s still ma ing noise." 1ll alone. 1ll alone. <8ll ,$st sit in !y ho$se all alone. 1h" b$t it8s better to be all alone. No !ore takin* o$t the *arba*e" Hear her yakkin* on the phone. < *ave her everythin*" Even !y !other8s rin*. #$t to !e she was so petty. 2he didn8t know her best 4riend. 2o!eti!es < wish she were dead" #$t it wo$ld probably take her two ho$rs to *et ready. =hen she8s old she8ll be sorry. Her 4$t$re spells a !$rky *loo!. <8ll be ri%h and 4a!o$s 1nd she8ll live in a 4$rnished roo!. <t8ll be too late" < won8t hear her !oan. <8ll be livin* in !y Nob Hill !ansion" 7i%h and all alone. 1ll alone. 1ll alone. <8ll be happy and ri%h" 1nd all alone. /eah. *"ll be an old man in an empty hotel suite, and nobody"ll want me to co#sign. $our years of wor ing in clubs ## that"s what really made it for me ## e!ery night@ doing it, doing it, doing it, doing it, getting bored and doing it different ways, no pressure on you, and all the other comedians are drun en bums who don"t show up, so * could try anything. (he 6a55 musicians li ed me. * was the only hippy around. Because * was young,

other people started to wor the same clubs for nothing, 6ust to hang out, the way you do when you"re young. Hedy Lamarr would come to see me wor , and )rnie Ko!acs. )!ery 6oint * wor ed, *"d start to get a sort of following. "/ou should get out of this place," * would be told, "you"re too good for these shithouses." But * new * wasn"t ready yet. * was still thin ing in terms of "bits" ## you now, "*"!e got my so#and#so bit, and *"!e got this other bit. *"!e got two complete shows." (hen, after a while, instead of 6ust getting material together, little by little it started happening. *"d 6ust go out with no bits. "Hey, how come you didn"t do any bits that showF" "Jell, anything is a bit if * do it twice." And * really started to become a craftsman, where * could 6ust about structure anything into humor. -p until 01<B, * had ne!er gotten any write#ups. * had wor ed all these burles8ue clubs, where they 6ust had the ads for the club ## the names of the girls in the show, and then on the bottom they had@ Lenny #r$%e" 5aster o4 0ere!onies Three 2hows Ni*htly @.30" AA.30" A.30 Ladies <nvited" (lenty o4 Free (arkin* +ow, when * went to San $rancisco * stopped wor ing these burles8ue clubs and * wor ed the so#called straight clubs, such as Ann"s 334, where * would be the only act &rdinarily an opening at a small club ## and Ann"s 334 was a damned small club ## would get no attention at all. But when * opened there, the press got wind of it, and * really blew the town apart. Hugh Hefner heard about me, and he came to San $rancisco to hear me. He arranged for me to come to .hicago and wor at (he .loister. (hey offered me P244, but * had been wor ing Ann"s 334 on a percentage and getting PB<4 a wee Hnot bad after coming from a room where * was ma ing P14I, so * as ed for P>44 at (he .loister, and if they held me o!er, * would get P09<4 a wee . * hadn"t reali5ed till then how much material * had, because here were places where * wasn"t merely m.c.ing between 0< strippers. * could 6ust wheel and deal for hours and hours. And the same people started coming e!ery night, and there was always something different, and it would really dri!e them nuts. * had a whole bagful of tric s which *"d de!eloped in the burles8ue clubs. (here was already this "in" ind of thing with all these musicians who had heard of me, but the contro!ersy that actually did, let"s say, "ma e" me was the bit * called "%eligions, *nc." * had gotten a 6ob as a writer at 94th .entury#$o7. (hey were wor ing on a picture called The 7o%ket 5an" and Buddy Hac ett told them, "Lenny"s !ery good, he"s funny and he can create and e!erything. Jhy don"t you let him ha!e a crac at itF" So they told me to read the script o!er the wee end. (he a!erage writer noc s out 0<#94 pages a day. * went and did about 0<4 pages o!er the wee end and * came bac and really impressed the hell out of them. (hey changed the whole theme of the picture.

(he story was about these ids in an orphan asylum. *t was 6ust a cute little picture. +othing unusual. * added to it ## there was a .aptain (alray who had a space show for ids. He goes to the orphan asylum and he gi!es the ids all these toys. And Georgie Jinslow is the last id he sees, and he doesn"t ha!e a toy left for him, and so the id is really sad. But then a space gun appears ## (%hewwwww& ## a magic gun. Georgie Jinslow starts using this gun ## li e when a car"s going to run o!er him ## (%hewwwww& ## he stops the car. And that was the whole different twist * ga!e the picture@ the magic space gun. (hey ga!e me a contract and * was so proud. 'y God, a writer at 94th .entury# $o7L 'y own secretaryL 'an, * 6ust couldn"t belie!e it. *t was one of the most thrilling things in my life, because all the other things that ha!e happened to me ha!e happened gradually. Anyway, * wanted to produce my own picture. At the time * was sort of swept up with the story of .hrist ## this big, beautiful man ## and the picture * had in mind was about a handicapped bum who wore a hearing aid. His whole ambition in life was to sa!e enough money to buy a blac #leather motorcycle 6ac et. Some day the motorcycle, but first he 6ust wanted to get enough money together to buy the 6ac et. (here was to be a scene in the picture where he was really disappointed, and his hand was caught in the door and had to be all wrapped up in a bandage, and he was struggling with his suitcase. . . and he passes this statue of .hrist. *t"s a beautiful statue. *t doesn"t show .hrist being crucifiedE it shows him !ery stately, on top of the world, standing there, and he"s King of Kings. (he shot was to be this@ * wal up to the statue, pass it, loo bac , ga5e at it for a while. (here are some flowers on the ground, at the foot of this ball which is the earth. * pic up the flowers. * can 6ust about reach His toes, and * put the flowers at His feet, and then * 6ust sort of fall on the globe, embracing it. Jhen we go bac to a long shot, showing my arms outstretched while *"m falling there, it loo s li e a cross. +ow * had searched and searched for a statue of .hrist. *t too me two days to find the right one. * found it outside in this big churchyard, on 'elrose and Gine Streets in Hollywood. * still had a concept of priests that stemmed from all the =at &"Brien mo!ies. /ou now@ you"re in trouble, they 6ust come and comfort you. Jell, * couldn"t get to tal to one of them. So * went directly to the head8uarters, on Al!arado Street, the center where all these different priests go. At the rectory, * got this ind of answer@ "*t"s not my parish." (hey"d all close their windows, and they wouldn"t e!en tal to me. (rue, * was dressed as a bum, because * was doing the picture, but still. . . (hey 6ust wouldn"t tal to me. $inally ## and this part didn"t actually happen, but * made a 6o e out of it on the stage that night ## * said@ "* tried to find a statue of .hrist today, and * tried to tal to priests, and no one would tal to me, but * finally got a chance to tal to one, and he sold me a chance on a =lymouth." (hat was the first 6o e * e!er did on religion. *t was only a 6o e, but it really related to the re6ection and disappointment * had felt that day. (hen came the e7tension. * abstracted to@ "(he ,odge#=lymouth dealers had a

con!ention, and they raffled off a 01<> .atholic .hurch." And that was the beginning of %eligions, *nc.@
)nd now we go to the head?uarters of &eligions' Inc.' where the .odge-%lymouth dealers have just had their annual raffle' and they have just given away a 34>B Catholic Church. )nd seated around the desk are the religious leaders of our country. 2e hear one of them. #e!s addressing the tight little group in *ittletown' Connecticut C:adison )venue is getting a little triteD. "2ell' as you know' this year we!ve got a tie-in with /ldsmobile. +ow' gentlemen' I don!t e"pect any of you boys to get out there in the pulpit and hard-sell an automobile. That is ridiculous. 1ut I was thinking now. 2hat do you say to thisE If just every once in a while' if we!d throw in a few little terms' just little things like' uh' !.rive the car that #e!d driveF" -- and you know' you don!t have to lay it on' just <ing it in there once in a while and then jump maybe to the %hilistines."

*n ,ecember of 0129, * was arrested at (he Gate of Horn in .hicago for "obscenity." But, according to Bariety" ". . . the prosecutor is at least e8ually concerned with Bruce"s indictments of organi5ed religion as he is with the more ob!ious se7ual content of the comic"s act. *t"s possible that Bruce"s comments on the .atholic .hurch ha!e hit sensiti!e ner!es in .hicago"s .atholic#oriented administration and police department. . ." And actually * had praised the .atholic .hurch. "%emember the frea shows," * as ed ## "the alligator lady and the guy who could typewrite with his toesF (he irony is that the generation now that is really offended by "sic humor" ## tal ing about people that are deformed ## they"re the generation that bought ti%kets to see the frea s@ Nip ? =ip, the onion#head boy, Lolly ? Lulu, all these terrible, bi5arre#loo ing frea s. "+ow," * said, "dig the difference between the generation today and my father"s generation. (hese young people today, the ones who are "going to hell in a bas et," they"re really better .hristians and more spiritual than that last, per!erse generation, because this new generation not only re6ected but doesn"t support frea attractions ## that"s not their entertainment shti%k## they li e roc "n" roll as opposed to the frea shows. But, (han God for the .atholic .hurch, there"ll still be frea s ## the thalidomide babies ## they"ll grow up and get a good tie#in with Barnum ? Bailey."

Chapter "eventeen
"Are you a sic comicF" "Jhy do they call you a sic comicF" ",o you mind being called a sic comicF" *t is impossible to label me. * de!elop, on the a!erage, four minutes of new material a night, constantly growing and changing my point of !iewE * am heinously guilty of the parado7es * assail in our society. (he reason for the label "sic comic" is the lac of creati!ity among 6ournalists and critics. (here is a comedy actor from )ngland with a definite .haplines8ue 8uality. "'r. Guinness, do you mind being called a .haplines8ue comicF" (here is a comedian by the name of =eter Sellers who has a definite Guinnesses8ue 8uality. "'r. Sellers, why do they say you ha!e a Guinnesses8ue 8ualityF" (he moti!ation of the inter!iewer is not to get a terse, accurate answer, but rather

to write an interesting, slanted article within the boundaries of the editorial outloo of his particular publication, so that he will be gi!en the wherewithal to ma e the payment on his 'G. (herefore this writer prostitutes his integrity by as ing 8uestions, the answers to which he already has, much li e a coo who follows a recipe and mi7es the ingredients properly. (he way * spea , the words with which * relate are more correct in effect than those of a pre!ious pedantic generation. *f * tal about a chic onstage and say, "She was a hoo er," an uncontemporary person would say, "Lenny Bruce, you are coarse and crude." "Jhat should * ha!e saidF" "*f you must be specific, you should ha!e said "prostitute." " "But wait a minuteE shouldn"t the purpose of a word be to get close to the ob6ect the user is describingF" "/es, and correct )nglish can do thisE "hoo er" is incorrect." (he word has become too general. He prostit$ted his art. He prostit$ted the !ery thing he lo!ed. .an he write anymoreF +ot li e he used to ## he has prostit$ted his wor . So the word "prostitute" doesn"t mean anymore what the word "hoo er" does. *f a man were to send out for a P044 prostitute, a writer with a beard might show up. .oncomitant with the "sic comic" label is the carbon cry, "Jhat happened to the healthy comedian who 6ust got up there and showed e!erybody a good time and didn"t preach, didn"t ha!e to resort to noc ing religion, moc ing physical handicaps and telling dirty toilet 6o esF" /es, what did happen to the wholesome trauma of the 01:4s and 0134s ## the honeymoon 6o es, concerned not only with what they did but also with how many times they did itE the distorted wedding#night tales, supported !isually by the trite !acationland postcards of an elephant with his trun searching through the opening of a pup tent, and a woman"s head straining out the other end, hysterically screaming, "GeorgeL" ## whate!er happened to all this wholesomenessF Jhat happened to the healthy comedian who at least had good tasteF. . . As the comedians who used to do the harelip 6o es, or the moron 6o es ## "(he moron who went to the orphans" picnic," etc. ## the healthy comedians who told good#natured religious 6o es that found =at and Abie and %astus outside of Saint =eter"s gate all listening to those angels harping in stereotype. Jhate!er happened to Joe ). LewisF His contribution to comedy consisted of returning Bacchus to his godli e pose with an implicit social message@ "*f you"re going to be a swinger and fun to be with, always ha!e a glass of boo5e in your handE e!en if you don"t become part swinger, you"re sure to end up with part li!er." Jhate!er happened to Henny /oungmanF He in!ol!ed himself with a nightly psychodrama named Sally, or sometimes Laura. She possessed features not se7ually but economically stimulating. 'r. /oungman"s -gli!ac cross#filed and classified diabolic deformities definiti!ely. "Her nose was so big that e!ery time she snee5ed. . ." "She was so bowlegged that e!ery time. . ." "&ne leg was shorter than the other. . ." and 'r. /oungman"s mutant reaped financial har!est for him. &ther comedians followed suit with .oc eyed Jennies, et al., until the -gly Girl routines became classics. * assume this fondness for atrophy ga!e the night#club patron a sense of well#being. And whate!er happened to Jerry LewisF His neorealistic impression of the

Japanese male captured all the subtleties of the Japanese physiognomy. (he buc #teeth malocclusion was caricatured to surrealistic proportions until the teeth matched the blades that e7tended from Ben#Hur"s chariot. Highlighting the absence of the iris with .o e#bottle#thic lenses, this satire has added to the fanatical de!otion which Japanese students ha!e for the -nited States. Just as )isenhower. Jhate!er happened to 'ilton BerleF He brought trans!estitism to championship bowling and upset a hard#core culture of dy es that control the field. $rom 0harlie8s 1$nt and 2o!e Like <t Hot and 'ilton Berle, the per!ert has been ta en out of Krafft#)bing and made into a sometimes#fun fag. Berle ne!er lost his sense of duty to the public, though. Although he ga!e homose7uals a pee out of the damp cellar of unfa!orable public opinion, he didn"t go all the wayE he left a stigma of menace on his fag ## "* sweah *"w iw you." * was labeled a "sic ni " by Ti!e maga5ine, whose editorial policy still finds humor in a person"s physical shortcomings@ "Shelly Berman has a face li e a hastily sculptured hamburger." (he healthy comic would ne!er offend. . . unless you happen to be fat, bald, s inny, deaf or blind. (he pro7y !ote from purgatory has not yet been counted. Let"s say *"m wor ing at the .rescendo on the coast. (here"ll be Arlene ,ahl with some +ew Ja!e writer from Algiers and on the whole it"s a coo ing ind of audience. But *"ll finish a show, and some guy will come up to me and say, "* ## *"m a club owner, and *"d li e you to wor for me. *t"s a beautiful club. /ou e!er wor in 'ilwau eeF Lots of people li e you there, and you"ll really do great. /ou"ll ill "em. /ou"ll ha!e a lot of fun. ,o you bowlF" (he only thing is, * now that in those clubs, between Los Angeles and +ew /or , the people in the audience are a little older than me. (he most * can say to people o!er <4 or << is, "(han you, *"!e had enough to eat." * get to 'ilwau ee, and the first thing that frightens me to death is that they"!e got a 2@:4 dinner show. . . 2@:4 in the afternoon and people go to a night clubL *t"s not e!en dark out yet. * don"t wanna go in the house, it"s not dar yet, man. *f the dinner show is held up, it"s only because the Jell#o"s not hard. (he people loo familiar, but *"!e ne!er been to 'ilwau ee before. (hen * reali5e ## these are the Grayline Sight#seeing Bus (ours before they lea!e ## this is where they live. (hey"re li e 34#year#old chic s with prom gowns on. (hey don"t laugh, they don"t hec le, they 6ust stare at me in disbelief. And there are wal outs, wal outs, e!ery night, wal outs. (he owner says to me, "Jell, * ne!er saw you do that religious bit. . . and those words you useL" (he chef is confused ## the desserts aren"t mo!ing. * go to the men"s room, and * see kids in there. Kids four years old, si7 years old. (hese ids are in awe of this men"s room. *t"s the first time they"!e e!er been in a place their mother isn"t allowed in. +ot e!en for a minute. +ot e!en to get something, is she allowed in there. And the ids stay in there for hours. ".ome out of thereL" "+o. -h#uh." "*"m going to come in and get you." "+o, you"re not allowed in here, "cause e!erybody"s doing, ma ing wet in here."

*n between shows *"m a wal er, and *"m getting nudgy and ner!ous. (he owner decides to cushion me with his introduction@ "Ladies and gentlemen, the star of our show, Lenny Bruce, who, incidentally, is an e7#G* and, uh, a hell of a good performer, fol s, and a great idder, now what * meanF *t"s all a bunch of silliness up here and he doesn"t mean what he says. He ids about the =ope and about the Jewish religion, too, and the colored people and the white people ## it"s all a silly, ma e#belie!e world. And he"s a hell of a nice guy, fol s. He was at the Geterans Hospital today doing a show for the boys. And here he is ## his mom"s out here tonight, too, she hasn"t seen him in a couple of years ## she li!es here in town. . . +ow, a 6o e is a 6o e, right, fol sF Jhat the hell. * wish that you"d try to cooperate. And whoe!er has been stic ing ice pic s in the tires outside, he"s not funny. +ow Lenny may id about narcotics, homose7uality, and things li e that. . ." And he gets wal outs. * get off the floor, and a waitress says to me, "Listen, there"s a couple, they want to meet you." *t"s a nice couple, about <4 years old. (he guy as s me, "/ou from +ew /or F" "/es." "* recogni5ed that accent." And he"s loo ing at me, with a sort of searching hope in his eyes, and then he says, "Are you JewishF" "/es." "Jhat are you doing in a place li e thisF" "*"m passing." He says, "Listen, * now you show people eat all that crap on the road. . ." H&f course. Jhat did you eat tonightF .rap on the road.I And they in!ite me to ha!e a nice dinner at their house the ne7t day. He writes out the address, you now, with the ball# point pen on the wet coc tail nap in. (hat night * go to my hotel ## *"m staying at the local show#business hotelE the other show people consist of two people, the guy who runs the mo!ie pro6ector and another guy who sells .ape5io shoes ## and * read a little, write a little. * finally get to sleep about se!en o"cloc in the morning. (he phone rings at nine o"cloc . "Hello, hello, hello, this is the Shec ners." "(he people from last night. Je didn"t wa e you up, did weF" "+o, * always get up at nine in the morning. * li e to get up about ten hours before wor so * can brush my teeth and get some coffee. *t"s good you got me up. * probably would ha!e o!erslept otherwise." "Listen, why we called you, we want to find out what you want to eat." "&h, anything. *"m not a fussy eater, really." * went o!er there that night, and * do eat anything ## anything but what they had. Li!er. And Brussels sprouts. (hat"s really a double threat. And the con!ersation was on the le!el of, "*s it true about LiberaceF" (hat"s all * ha!e to hear, then * really start to lay it on to them@ "&h, yeah, they"re all 8ueer out there in Hollywood. All of them. %in (in (in"s a 6un ie." (hen they ta e you on a tour around the house. (hey bring you into the bedroom with the dumb dolls on the bed. And what the hell can you tell people when they wal

you around in their houseF "/es, that"s a !ery lo!ely closetE that"s nice the way the towels are folded." (hey ha!e a piano, with the big lace doily on top, and the bowl of wa7 fruit. (he main function of these pianos is to hold an eight#by#ten picture of the son in the Army, saluting. "(hat"s 'orty, he lost a lot of weight." (he trouble is, in these towns ## 'ilwau eeE Lima, &hio ## there"s nothing else to do, e7cept loo at stars. *n the daytime, you go to the par to see the cannon, and you"!e had it. &ne other thing ## you can hang out at the Socony Gas Station between shows and get gra!el in your shoes. (hose night attendants really swing. "Lemme see the grease rac go up again," * say. ".an * try itF" "+o, you"ll brea it." ".an * try on your blac #leather bow tieF" "+o. Hey, Lenny, you wanna see a clean toiletF /ou been in a lot of ser!ice stations, rightF ,id you e!er see one this immaculateF" "*t"s beautiful." "+ow don"t lie to me." "Jould * lie to you about something li e thatF" "* thought you"d li e it, because * now you"!e seen e!erything in your tra!els ##" "*t"s gorgeous. *n fact, if anyone e!er says to me, "Jhere is there a clean toilet, *"!e been searching fore!er," *"ll say, (a e 040 into 0B up through <4," and *"ll 6ust send "em right here." "/ou could eat off the floor, right, LennyF" "/ou certainly could." "Jant a sandwichF" "+o, than s." (hen * start fooling around with his condom#!ending machine. "/ou sell many of these hereF" "* don"t now." "/ou fill up the thing hereF" "+o, a guy comes around." "/ou wear condoms e!erF" "/eah." ",o you wear them all the timeF" "+o." ",o you ha!e one on nowF" "+o." "Jell, what do you do if you ha!e to tell some chic , "*"m going to put a condom on now" ## it"s going to ill e!erything." * as the gas#station attendant if * can put one on. "Are you cra5y or somethingF" "+o, * figure it"s something to do. Je"ll both put condoms on. Je"ll ta e a picture." "+ow, get the hell out of here, you nut, you." * can"t help it, though. .ondoms are so dumb. (hey"re sold for the pre!ention of lo!e.

As far as chic s are concerned, these small towns are dead. (he cab dri!ers as yo$ where to get laid. *t"s really a hang#up. )!ery chic * meet, the first thing they hit me with is, "Loo , * don"t now what ind of a girl you thin * am, but * now you show people, you"!e got all those broads down in the dressing room, and they"re all ready for you, and *"m not gonna. . ." "(hat"s a lie, there"s nobody down thereL" "+e!er mind, * now you get all you want." "* don"tL" (hat"s what e!erybody thin s, but there"s nobody in the dressing room. (hat"s why $ran Sinatra ne!er gets any. *t"s hip not to ball him. "Listen, now, they all ball him, *"m not gonna ball him." And the poor s%h!$%k really sings Only the Lonely. . . *t"s a real hang#up, being di!orced when you"re on the road. Suppose it"s three o"cloc in the morning, *"!e 6ust done the last show, * meet a girl, and * li e her, and suppose * ha!e a record *"d li e her to hear, or * 6ust want to tal to her ## there"s no lust, no carnal image there ## but because where * li!e is a dirty word, * can"t say to her, "Jould you come to my hotelF" And e!ery healthy comedian has gi!en "motel" such a dirty connotation that * couldn"t as my *rand!other to go to a motel, say * want to gi!e her a Gutenberg Bible at three in the morning. (he ne7t day at two in the afternoon, when the Kiwanis .lub meets there, then "hotel" is clean. But at three o"cloc in the morning, Jim. . . .hrist, where the hell can you li!e that"s cleanF /ou can"t say hotel to a chic , so you try to thin , what won"t offendF Jhat is a clean word to societyF Jhat is a clean word that won"t offend any chic F. . . (railer. (hat"s it, trailer. "Jill you come to my trailerF" "All right, there"s nothing dirty about trailers. (railers are hunting and fishing and Salem cigarettes. /es, of course, *"ll come to your trailer. Jhere is itF" "*nside my hotel room." Jhy can"t you 6ust say, "* want to be with you, and hug and iss you." +o, it"s ".ome up while * change my shirt." &r coffee. "Let"s ha!e a cup of coffee." *n <4 years, coffee will be another dirty word.

Chapter $ighteen
(he first time * got arrested for obscenity was in San $rancisco. * used a ten#letter word onstage. Just a word in passing. "Lenny, * wanna tal to you," the police officer said. "/ou"re under arrest. (hat word you said ## you can"t say that in a public place. *t"s against the law to say it and do it." (hey said it was a fa!orite homose7ual practice. +ow that * found strange. * don"t relate that word to a homose7ual practice. *t relates to any contemporary chic * now, or would now, or would lo!e, or would marry. (hen we get into the patrol wagon, and another police officer says, "/ou now, * got a wife and id. . ."

"* don"t wanna hear that crap," * interrupted. "Jhattaya meanF" "* 6ust don"t wanna hear that crap, that"s all. ,id your wife e!er do that to youF" "+o." ",id anyoneF" "+o." ",id you e!er say the wordF" "+o." "/ou ne!er said the word one timeF Let ye cast the first stone, man." "+e!er." "How long ha!e you been marriedF" ")ighteen years." "/ou e!er chippied on your wifeF" "+e!er." "+e!er chippied on your wife one time in eighteen yearsF" "+e!er." "(hen * lo!e yo$. . . because you"re a spiritual guy, the ind of husband * would li e to ha!e been . . . but if you"re lying, you"ll spend some good time in purgatory. . ." +ow we get into court. (hey swear me in. (H) .&=@ "/our Honor, he said blah#blah#blah." (H) J-,G)@ "He said blah#blah#blahL Jell, * got grandchildren. . ." &h, .hrist, there we go again. "/our Honor," the cop says, "* couldn"t belie!e it, there"s a guy up on the stage in front of women in a mi7ed audience, saying blah#blah#blah. . ." (H) ,*S(%*.( A((&%+)/@ "Loo at him, he"s smugL *"m not surprised he said blah#blah#blah. . ." "He"ll probably say blah#blah#blah again, he hasn"t learned his lesson. . ." And then * dug something@ they sort of liked saying blah#blah#blah. H)!en the BA*L*$$@I "Jhat"d he sayF" "He said blah#blah#blah." "Shut up, you blah#blah#blah." (hey were yelling it in the courtroom. "Goddamn, it"s good to say blah#blah#blahL" (he actual trial too place in the early part of 'arch 0129. (he =eople of the State of .alifornia vs. Lenny Bruce. (he 6ury consisted of four men and eight women. (he first witness for the prosecution was James %yan, the arresting officer. ,eputy ,istrict Attorney Albert Jollenberg, Jr., e7amined him. R. . . . And on the night of &ctober the fourth did you ha!e any special assignment in regard to Hthe Ja55 Jor shopIF A. * was told by my immediate superior, Sergeant Solden, that he had recei!ed a complaint from the night before that the show at this club was of a lewd nature, and that some time during the e!ening * was to go in and see the show and find out what the complaint was all about. . . R. And during the course of his act did any. . . tal ing about an establishment nown as Ann"s 334 ariseF

A. /es. . . during this particular episode at the 334 he was tal ing to some other person, who, as near as * can recall, * thin was either his agent or another entertainer. And during this con!ersation. . . one person said, "* can"t wor at the 334 because it"s o!errun with coc suc ers." R. . . . +ow, after this statement, what then occurredF A. A little later on in the same show the defendant was tal ing about the fact that he distrusted tic et ta ers and the person that handled the money, and that one of these days a man was going to enter the premises and situate himself where he couldn"t be seen by the tic et ta er, and then he was going to e7pose himself and on the end of it he was going to ha!e a sign hanging that read, JH)+ J) %)A.H P0<44 (H) G-/ *+ (H) $%&+( B&&(H *S G&*+G (& K*SS *(. R. . . . +ow, subse8uent to the statement about hanging a sign on a person e7posed, was there any further con!ersation by the defendant while gi!ing his performanceF A. /es. Later in the show he went into some ind of chant where he used a drum, or a cymbal and a drum, for a tempo, and the dialog was supposed to be. . . '%. B)+,*.H Hmy attorney, Albert BendichI@ *"ll ob6ect to what the witness infers the con!ersation or dialog was supposed to import, your Honor. (he witness is to testify merely to what he heard. (H) .&-%(@ Sustained. '%. J&LL)+B)%&@ . . . .an you gi!e us the e7act words or what your recollection of those words wereF A. /es. ,uring that chant he used the words "*"m coming, *"m coming, *"m coming," and. . . R. ,id he 6ust do it two or three times, "*"m coming, *"m coming, *"m coming"F A. Jell, this one part of the show lasted a matter of a few minutes. R. And then was anything else said by the defendantF A. (hen later he said, ",on"t come in me. ,on"t come in me." R. +ow, did he do this 6ust one or two timesF A. +o. As * stated, this lasted for a matter of a few minutes. R. +ow, as he was saying this, was he using the same !oice as he was gi!ing this chantF A. . . . Jell, this particular instance where he was saying "*"m coming, *"m coming," he was tal ing in a more normal tone of !oice. And when he stated, or when he said ",on"t come in me. ,on"t come in me," he used a little higher#pitched !oice. . . 'r. Bendich now cross#e7amined. R. &fficer %yan, would you describe your beat to us, pleaseF A. . . . *t ta es in both sides of Broadway from 'ason to Battery. R. And in the course of your duties, &fficer, you ha!e the responsibility and obligation to obser!e the nature of the shows being put on in !arious clubs in this areaF A. /es, sir, * do. R. Jould you tell us, &fficer, what some of those clubs areF. . . (hen *"ll as you some 8uestions about the content of the wor that is done there. . . '%. J&LL)+B)%G@ Jell, that"s irrele!ant and immaterial, if your Honor, please, other than that they are on his beat, the content of the wor done there.

'%. B)+,*.H@ Je"re tal ing about community standards, your Honor. (H) .&-%(@ H'r. Jollenberg"s ob6ectionI o!erruled. +ow, the 8uestion is 6ust to name some of the establishments. C(he officer named se!eral night clubs.D R. . . . +ow, officer, you testified, * belie!e, on direct e7amination that you had a specific assignment with reference to the Lenny Bruce performance at the Ja55 Jor shop, is that correctF A. (hat"s correct. R. (ell us, please, if you will, what your specific assignment was. A. 'y assignment was to watch the performance of the show that e!ening. R. Jhat were you loo ing forF A. Any lewd con!ersation or lewd gestures or anything that might constitute an ob6ectionable show. R. Jhat were your standards for 6udging, &fficer, whether a show was ob6ectionable or notF A. Jell, any part of the show that would !iolate any =olice or =enal .ode sections that we ha!e. . . '%. B)+,*.H@ . . . C/ou ha!e pre!iously describedD the clubs that are situated upon the beat that you patrol, and among other clubs you listed the 'oulin %ouge. . . And would you be good enough to tell us, &fficer %yan, what the nature of the entertainment material presented in the 'oulin %ouge isF A. =rimarily a burles8ue#type entertainment. R. Strip shows are put on. . .F A. (hat"s correct. R. And, as a matter of fact, &fficer %yan, there is a housewi!es" contest put on at the 'oulin %ouge with respect to superior talent in stripping, is there notF A. * don"t now if it 6ust encompasses housewi!esE * now they ha!e an amateur night. R. +ow, &fficer %yan, will you tell us a little bit about what occurs during amateur nightF A. Jell, 6ust what it says, * belie!e. Girls that ha!e had little or no e7perience in this type of entertainment are gi!en a chance to try their hand at it. R. (o try their hand at it, and they try their body a little, too, don"t theyF '%. J&LL)+B)%G@ *f your Honor please, counsel is argumentati!e. (H) .&-%(@ /es. Let us not be facetious, 'r. Bendich. '%. B)+,*.H@ * will withdraw it. * don"t intend to be facetious. R. &fficer %yan, will you describe for the ladies and gentlemen of the 6ury, if you will, please, what the ladies who are engaged in the competition on amateur night doF '%. J&LL)+B)%G@ *f your Honor please, this is irrele!ant. (H) .&-%(@ &!erruled. (H) J*(+)SS@ Jell, they come on the stage and then to the accompaniment of music they do a dance. '%. B)+,*.H@ And in the course of doing this dance, they ta e their clothes off, is that correctF A. =artially, yes. R. +ow, these are the amateur competitors and performers, is that correctF A. (hat"s correct.

R. (ell us, please, if you will, what the professional performers do. A. Appro7imately the same thing, with maybe a little more finesse or a little more ability, if there is ability in that line. R. And you ha!e witnessed these shows, is that correct, &fficer %yanF A. * ha!e, yes. R. And these are shows which are performed in the presence of mi7ed audiences, representing persons of both se7es, is that correctF A. (hat"s true. R. +ow, &fficer %yan, in the course of your official duties in patrolling your beat you ha!e occasion, * ta e it, to deal with another club, the name of which is $inocchio"s, is that correctF A. (hat"s true. R. And you ha!e had occasion to obser!e the nature of the performances in $inocchio"s, is that trueF. . . Jould you be good enough, &fficer %yan, to describe to the ladies and gentlemen of the 6ury what the nature of the entertainment presented in $inocchio"s isF A. Jell, the entertainers are female impersonators. R. 'ay * as you to describe for the 6ury what female impersonators areF A. A male that dresses as a woman, and the type of show they put on is, * guess, a pretty a!erage show, other than the fact that they are female impersonators. (hey ha!e songs that they sing, dances that they do, and so forth. R. . . . And can you describe the mode of dress, &fficer, of the female impersonators in $inocchio"sF A. Jell, they wear different types of costumes. Some of them are 8uite full, and others are. . . R. Ruite scantyF A. +ot "8uite scanty," * wouldn"t say, no, but they are more near to what you"d call scanty, yes. R. "'ore near to what you"d call scanty." Jell, as a matter of fact, &fficer, isn"t it true that men appear in the clothes of women, and let"s start up ## or should * say, down at the bottom ## wearing high#heeled shoesF '%. J&LL)+B)%G@ &h, if your Honor please, he"s already answered that they"re wearing the clothes of women. (hat co!ers the sub6ect. Je"re not trying $inocchio"s here today. '%. B)+,*.H@ Je"re certainly not trying $inocchio"s but we are trying Lenny Bruce on a charge of obscenity, and we ha!e a 8uestion of contemporary community standards that has to be established, and * am attempting to ha!e &fficer %yan indicate what the nature of the community standards on his beat are. (H) .&-%(@ . . . Jell, as him to be more specific. '%. B)+,*.H@ Gery well. Jill you please be more specific, &fficer %yan, with regard to describing the nature of the scantily dressed female impersonators in terms of their attire. A. (hey ha!e all different inds of costumes. +ow, which particular one ## * ne!er paid that much attention to it, really. R. Jell, they appear in blac net stoc ings, do they notF A. * imagine they do at times.

R. And they appear in tights, do they notF A. &n occasion, yes. R. And they appear wearing brassieres, do they notF A. (hat"s correct. R. * thin that"s specific enough. . . &fficer %yan, in the course of your obser!ations of the strip shows in the 'oulin %ouge, ha!e you e!er had occasion to become se7ually stimulatedF A. +o, sir. '%. J&LL)+B)%G@ *"m going to ob6ect to this and mo!e to stri e the answer as incompetent, irrele!ant and immaterial, if your Honor please. (H) .&-%(@ (he answer is inE it may remain. '%. B)+,*.H@ Jere you se7ually stimulated when you witnessed Lenny Brace"s performanceF '%. J&LL)+B)%G@ *rrele!ant and immaterial, especially as to this officer, your Honor. (H) .&-%(@ &!erruled. (H) J*(+)SS@ +o, sir. '%. B)+,*.H@ ,id you ha!e any con!ersation with anyone in the Ja55 Jor shop on the night that you arrested 'r. Lenny BruceF A. +o. R. &fficer %yan, you"re 8uite familiar with the term "coc suc er" are you notF A. * ha!e heard it used, yes. R. As a matter of fact, &fficer %yan, it was used in the police station on the night that Lenny Brace was boo ed there, was it notF A. +o, not to my nowledge. R. As a matter of fact, it is fre8uently used in the police station, is it notF '%. J&LL)+B)%G@ (hat"s irrele!ant and immaterial, if your Honor please. Jhat"s used in a police station or in pri!ate con!ersation between two people is completely different from what"s used on a stage in the theater. (H) .&-%(@ Jell, a police station, of course, is a public place. '%. J&LL)+B)%G@ (hat"s correct, your Honor. (H) .&-%(@ As to the police station, the ob6ection is o!erruled. '%. B)+,*.H@ /ou may answer, &fficer. A. /es, * ha!e heard it used. R. /es, you ha!e heard the term used in a public place nown as the police station. +ow, &fficer %yan, there is nothing obscene in and of itself about the word "coc ," is thereF '%. J&LL)+B)%G@ *"m going to ob6ect to this as being irrele!ant and immaterial, what this man feels. (H) .&-%(@ Sustained. '%. B)+,*.H@ Just two last 8uestions, &fficer %yan. /ou laughed at Lenny Bruce"s performance the night that you watched, did you notF A. +o, * didn"t. R. /ou didn"t ha!e occasion to laughF A. +o, * didn"t. R. ,id you obser!e whether the audience was laughingF

A. /es, * did. R. And they were laughing, were they notF A. At times, yes. R. And no one in the audience made any complaint to you, though you were in uniform standing in the clubF A. +o one, no. '%. B)+,*.H@ +o further 8uestions. 'r. Jollenberg re#e7amined the witness. R. +ow, &fficer, when the word, "coc suc er," was used during the performance, did anybody laughF A. +ot right at that instant, no. R. . . . +ow, in $inocchio"s, ha!e you e!er heard the word "coc suc er" used from the stageF A. +o, sir, * ne!er ha!e. R. . . . +ow, at the 'oulin %ouge, &fficer, they do ha!e a comedian as well as a strip show, isn"t that rightF A. (hat"s right. R. Ha!e you e!er heard the comedian at the 'oulin %ouge use the term, "coc suc er"F A. +o, sir, ne!er. R. ,id you ha!e a con!ersation with the defendant Bruce after his performanceF A. /es, * did. R. And where was thatF A. *n front of the Ja55 Jor shop. R. . . . Jas that in relation to any of the terms usedF A. /es, it was. R. And what was thatF A. * as ed the defendant at that time, ",idn"t * hear you use the word "coc suc er" in your performanceF And he says, "/es, * did." " Later, 'r. Jollenberg e7amined the other police officer, Sergeant James Solden. R. . . . And did you ha!e occasion while in that area Hthe Ja55 Jor shopI to see the defendant BruceF. . . ,id you ha!e a con!ersation with himF A. * had a con!ersation with 'r. Bruce as we led ## too him from the Ja55 Jor shop to the patrol wagon. . . * spo e to 'r. Bruce and said, "Jhy do you feel that you ha!e to use the word "coc suc er" to entertain people in a public night spotF" And 'r. Bruce"s reply to me, was, "Jell there are a lot of coc suc ers around, aren"t thereF Jhat"s wrong with tal ing about themF" 'r. Bendich made his opening statement to the 6ury, "to tell you what it is that * am going to attempt to pro!e to you in the course of the presentation of the defense case. . . * am going to pro!e through the testimony of se!eral witnesses who will ta e the stand before you, ladies and gentlemen of the 6ury, that 'r. Bruce ga!e a performance in the Ja55 Jor shop on the night of &ctober fourth last year which was a show based on the themes of social criticism, based upon an analysis of !arious forms of con!entional

hypocrisy, based upon the techni8ue of satire which is common in the heritage of )nglish letters and, as a matter of fact, in the heritage of world literature. Je are going to pro!e, ladies and gentlemen of the 6ury, that the nature of 'r. Bruce"s performance on the night of &ctober the fourth was in the great tradition of social satire, related intimately to the ind of social satire to be found in the wor s of such great authors at Aristophanes, Jonathan Swift. . ." '%. J&LL)+B-%G@ *"m going to ob6ect. Aristophanes is not testifying here, your Honor, or any other authors, and *"m going to ob6ect to that at this time as improper argument. '%. B)+,*.H@ /our Honor, * didn"t say * would call 'r. Aristophanes. (H) .&-%(@ * don"t thin you could, !ery well. . .

Chapter %ineteen
*t seems fitting that the first witness for the defense was %alph J. Gleason, a brilliant 6a55 critic and columnist for the 2an Fran%is%o 0hroni%le. Gleason was my first real supporter, the first one who really went out on a limb for me, to help my career. 'r. Bendich e7amined him. R. . . . 'r. Gleason, will you describe for us, if you will, please, what the themes of 'r. Bruce"s wor were during the appearance in the Jor shop for which he was arrestedF '%. J&LL)+B-%G@ * will ob6ect to 6ust the themes, your Honor. He can gi!e the performance or recite what was said, but the "themes" is ambiguous. (H) .&-%(@ &!erruled. (H) J*(+)SS@ (he theme of the performance on the night in 8uestion was a social criticism of stereotypes and of the hypocrisy of contemporary society. . . He attempted to demonstrate to the audience a proposition that"s familiar to students of semantics, which is that words ha!e been gi!en, in our society, almost a magic meaning that has no relation to the facts, and * thin that he tried in the course of this show that e!ening to demonstrate that there is no harm inherent in words themsel!es. R. . . . How important, if at all, was the theme of semantics with reference to the entire show gi!en on the e!ening in 8uestionF A. *n my opinion, it was !ery important ## !ital to it. R. And what dominance or predominance, if any, did the theme of semantics occupy with respect to the content of the entire show on the night in 8uestionF A. Jell, it occupied an important part in the entire performance, not only in the indi!idual routines, but in the totality of the program. R. /es. +ow, with respect to the rest of the program, 'r. Gleason, would you tell us about some of the other themes, and perhaps illustrate something about them if you can, in addition to the theme of semantics which 'r. Bruce wor ed withF A. Jell, to the best of my recollection there was a portion of the show in which he attempted to show satirically the hypocrisy inherent in the licensing of a tic et ta er who had a criminal record for particularly abhorrent criminal acts and demanding a bond for him. . .

'r. Gleason was as ed to read to the 6ury an e7cerpt from an article in 0o!!onweal" a .atholic maga5ine. (he article was by +at Hentoff, who"s Jewish, so it doesn"t really count. Gleason read@
"It is in *enny 1ruce -- and only in him -- that there has emerged a cohesively !new! comedy of nakedly honest moral rage at the deceptions all down the line in our society. 1ruce thinks of himself as an ethical relativist and shares %irandello!s preoccupation with the elusiveness of any absolute' including absolute truth. "#is comedy ranges through religion-in-practice C!2hat would happen if Christ and :oses appeared one ,unday at ,aint %atrick!sE!D; the ultimate limitations of the white liberal; the night life of the hooker and her view of the day; and his own often scarifying attempts to make sense of his life in a society where the ?uicksand may lie just underneath the sign that says T)A,#-*T-& 2#-+ T#- CI$I*I)+ .-(-+,- )*)&: ,/0+.,. "1ruce' however' does not turn a night club into ,avonarola!s church. :ore than any others of the !new wave'! 1ruce is a thoroughly e"perienced performer' and his relentless challenges to his audience and to himself are intertwined with e"plosive pantomime' hilarious !bits'! and an evocative spray of Giddishisms' +egro and show-business argot' and his own operational semantics. Coursing through everything he does' however' is a serious search for values that are more than security blankets. In discussing the film The Story of Esther Costello, 1ruce tells of the climactic rape scene !It!s obvious the girl has been violated. . . ,he!s been deaf and dumb throughout the whole picture. . . )ll of a sudden she can hear again. . . and she can speak again. ,o what!s the moralE! "

Later ## after the 6udge had pointed something out to the ,eputy ,istrict Attorney H"'r. Jollenberg," he said, ". . . your shirttail is out."I ## 'r. Gleason was as ed to read to the 6ury a portion of an article by Arthur Gelb in The New 6ork Ti!es.
"The controversial :r. 1ruce' whose third visit to :anhattan this is' is the pri<e e"hibit of the menagerie' and his act is billed !for adults only.! "%resumably the management wishes to safeguard the dubious innocence of underage +ew Gorkers against :r. 1ruce!s vocabulary' which runs to four-letter words' of which the most printable is G.:.C.). 1ut there are probably a good many adults who will find him offensive' less perhaps for his )nglo-,a"on phrases than for his vitriolic attacks on such subjects as facile religion' the medical profession' the law' pseudo-liberalism and @ack %aar. C!%aar has a 8od comple". #e thinks he can create performers in si" days'! :r. 1ruce is apt to confide.D ")lthough he seems at times to be doing his utmost to antagoni<e his audience' :r. 1ruce displays such a patent air of morality beneath the brashness that his lapses in taste are often forgivable. "The ?uestion' though' is whether the kind of derisive shock therapy he administers and the introspective free-form patter in which he indulges are legitimate night-club fare' as far as the typical customer is concerned. "It is necessary' before lauding :r. 1ruce for his virtues' to warn the sensitive and the easily shocked that no holds are barred at 1asin ,treet -ast. :r. 1ruce regards the night-club stage as the !last frontier! of uninhibited entertainment. #e often carries his theories to their naked and personal conclusions and has earned for his pains the sobri?uet !sick.! #e is a ferocious man who does not believe in the sanctity of motherhood or the )merican :edical )ssociation. #e even has an unkind word to say for ,mokey the 1ear. True' ,mokey doesn!t set forest fires' :r. 1ruce concedes. 1ut he eats boy scouts for their hats. ":r. 1ruce e"presses relief at what he sees as a trend of !people leaving the church and going back to 8od'! and he has nothing but sneers for what he considers the sanctimonious liberal who preaches but cannot practice genuine integration. "1eing on co<y terms with history and psychology' he can illustrate his point with the e"ample of the early &omans' who thought there was !something dirty! about Christians. !Could

you want your sister to many oneE! -- he has one &oman ask another -- and so on' down to the logical conclusion in present-day prejudice. ")t times :r. 1ruce!s act' devoid of the running series of staccato jokes that are traditional to the night-club comic' seems like a ,alvationist lecture; it is biting' sardonic' certainly stimulating and ?uite often funny -- but never in a jovial way. #is mocking diatribe rarely elicits a comfortable belly laugh. It re?uires concentration. 1ut there is much in it to wring a rueful smile and appreciative chuckle. There is even more to evoke a fighting gleam in the eye. There are also spells of total confusion. ",ince :r. 1ruce operates in a spontaneous' stream-of-consciousness fashion a good deal of the time' he is likely to tell you what he!s thinking about telling you before he gets around to telling you anything at all. . ."

'r. Bendich resumed his line of 8uestioning. R. 'r. Gleason, would you tell us, please, what in your 6udgment the predo!inant theme of the e!ening"s performance for which 'r. Bruce was arrested wasF A. Jell, in a !ery real sense it"s semantics ## the search for the ultimate truth that lies beneath the social hypocrisy in which we li!e. All his performances relate to this. R. 'r. Gleason, as an e7pert in this field, would you characteri5e the performance in 8uestion as serious in intent and socially significantF '%. J&LL)+B)%G@ * will ob6ect to this as irrele!ant and immaterial. (H) .&-%(@ &!erruled. (H) J*(+)SS@ /es, * would characteri5e it as serious. '%. B)+,*.H@ And how would you characteri5e the social significance, if any, of that performanceF A. Jell, * would characteri5e this performance as being of high social significance, in line with the rest of his performances. R. 'r. Gleason, what in your opinion, based upon your professional acti!ity and e7perience in the field of popular culture, and particularly with reference to humor, what in your opinion is the relation between the humor of Lenny Bruce and that of other contemporary humorists, such as 'ort Sahl, Shelley Berman, 'i e and )laineF '%. J&LL)+B)%G@ (hat"s immaterial, your Honor, what the comparison is between him and any other comedian. (H) .&-%(@ &b6ection o!erruled. (H) J*(+)SS@ 'r. Bruce attac s the fundamental structure of society and these other comedians deal with it superficially. '%. B)+,*.H@ 'r. Gleason, you ha!e already testified that you ha!e seen personally a great many Lenny Bruce performances, and you are also intimately familiar with his recorded wor s and other comic productions. Has your prurient interest e!er been stimulated by any of 'r. Bruce"s wor F A. +ot in the slightest. '%. J&LL)+B)%G@ * will ob6ect to that as calling for the ultimate issue before this 6ury. (H) .&-%(@ (he ob6ection will be o!erruled. . . /ou may answer the 8uestion. (H) J*(+)SS@ * ha!e not been e7cited, my prurient or se7ual interest has not been aroused by any of 'r. Bruce"s performances. (he complete transcript of my San $rancisco trial runs :<4 pages. (he witnesses ## not one of whose se7ual interest had e!er been aroused by any of my night#club

performances ## described one after another, what they remembered of my performance on the night in 8uestion at the Ja55 Jor shop, and interpreted its social significance according to his or her own sub6ecti!ity. $or e7ample, during the cross#e7amination, the following dialog ensued between 'r. Jollenberg and Lou Gottlieb, a =h.,. who"s with the Limeliters@ R. ,octor, you say you ha!e heard 'r. Bruce in Los AngelesF A. /es. R. And what was the last remar he ma es on lea!ing the stage in his show in Los AngelesF A. * must say that 'r. Bruce"s last remar s ha!e !aried at e!ery performance that * ha!e e!er witnessed. R. ,id he ma e any reference to eating something in his last remar s in Los Angeles when you heard him performF A. +o. R. . . . +ow, ,octor, you say the main theme of 'r. Bruce is to get laughterF A. (hat"s the professional comedian"s duty. R. * see. And do you see anything funny in the word "coc suc er"F A. . . . (o answer that 8uestion with "/es" or "+o" is impossible, your Honor. '%. J&LL)+B)%G@ * as ed you if you saw anything funny in that word. (H) .&-%(@ /ou may answer it "/es" or "+o" and then e7plain your answer. (H) J*(+)SS@ * found it e7tremely unfunny as presented by 'r. Jollenberg, * must say, but * can also ## (H) .&-%(@ All right, wait a minute, wait a minute. * ha!e tolerated a certain amount of acti!ity from the audience because * new that it is difficult not to react at times, but this is not a show, you are not here to be entertained. +ow, if there"s any more of this sustained le!ity, the courtroom will be cleared. And the witness is instructed not to argue with counsel but to answer the 8uestions. . . (H) J*(+)SS@ * do not Hsee anything funny in that wordI, but as 'r. Bruce presents his performances he creates a world in which normal dimensions. . . become ## how shall * sayF Jell, they are transmuted into a grotes8ue panorama of contemporary society, into which he places slices of life, phonographically accurate statements that come out of the show#business world. . . and sometimes the 6u7taposition of the generally fantastic frame of reference that he is able to create and the startling intrusion of slices of life in terms of language that is used in these inds of areas, has e7tremely comic effect. R. . . . ,octor, because an agent uses that term when he tal s to his talent, you find nothing wrong with using it in a public place because you"re relating a con!ersation between yourself and your agentF (his e7cuses the use of that termF A. Jhat e7cuses the use of that term, 'r. Jollenberg, in my opinion, is its une7pectedness in the fantastic world that is the frame of reference, the world which includes many grotes8ueries that 'r. Bruce is able to establish. (hen when you get a phonographic reproduction of a snatch of a con!ersation, * find that this has comic effect !ery fre8uently. R. ,o you mean "phonographic" or "photographic"F A. "=honographic." * mean reproducing the actual speech !erbatim with the same intonation and same attitudes and e!erything else that would be characteristic of, let"s say, a talent agent of some ind.

R. * see. *n other words, the changing of the words to more ## well, we might use genteel ## terms, would ta e e!erything away from that, is that rightF A. *t wouldn"t be phonographically accurate. *t would lose its real feelE there would be almost no point. R. . . . And ta ing out that word and putting in the word "homose7ual" or "fairy," that would ta e away completely, in your opinion, from this story and ma e it 6ust completely another oneF A. * must say it would. Similarly, 'r. Jollenberg cross#e7amined ,r. ,on Geiger, associate professor and chairman of the department of speech at the -ni!ersity of .alifornia in Ber eleyE also author of a few boo s, including 2o$nd" 2ense and (er4or!an%e o4 Literat$re" as well as se!eral scholarly articles in professional 6ournals. R. . . . And what does the e7pression "* won"t appear there because it"s o!errun with coc suc ers" infer to youF A. "* won"t go there because it"s filled with homose7uals." R. * see. And does the word "coc suc er" denote any beauty as distinguished from the word homose7ualF A. * couldn"t possibly answer that, * thin . (hat is, you would ha!e to pro!ide a conte7t for it, and then one could answer that. * would say this about it. . . that "homose7ual" is a ind of neutral, scientific term which might in a gi!en conte7t itself ha!e a freight of significance or beauty or artistic merit. But it"s less li ely to than the word "coc suc er," which is closer to collo8uial, idiomatic e7pression. Later, Kenneth Brown, a high school )nglish teacher, testified as to his reaction to the "to come" part of my performance@ (H) J*(+)SS@ (he impression is, he was trying to get o!er a point about society, the inability to lo!e, the inability to perform se7ual lo!e in a creati!e way. (he routine then would enter a dialog between a man and a woman and they were ha!ing their se7ual difficulties at orgasm in bedE at least, one of them was. And one said, "Jhy can"t you comeF" And, "*s it because you don"t lo!e meF *s it because you can"t lo!e meF" And the other one said, "Jhy, you now me, this is where *"m hung up. * ha!e problems here." And that was enough to gi!e me the impression that ## with the other things in conte7t that were going on before and after ## that he was tal ing, dissecting our problems of relating to each other, man and woman. . . Great comics throughout literature ha!e always disguised by comedy, through laughter, through 6o es, an underlying theme which is !ery serious, and perhaps needs laughter because it is also painful. . . '%. B)+,*.H@ 'ay * as you this 8uestion, 'r. Brown@ &n the basis of your professional training and e7perience, do you thin that the wor of 'r. Bruce as you now it, and in particular the content of 'r. Bruce"s performance on the night of &ctober fourth, for which he was arrested, for which he is presently here in this courtroom on trial, bears a relation to the themes and the fashion in which those themes are in the wor s which we ha!e listed here CLysistrata by AristophanesE ar*ant$a and (anta*r$el by %abelaisE $lliver8s Travels by Jonathan SwiftDF A. * see a definite relationship, certainly. R. Jould you state, please, what relationship you see and how you see itF

'%. J&LL)+B)%G@ * thin he hasn"t 8ualified as an e7pert on this, your Honor. (H) .&-%(@ Jell, he may state what the relationship is that he sees. (H) J*(+)SS@ (hese wor s use often repulsi!e techni8ues and !ocabulary to ma e ## to insist ## that people will loo at the whole of things and not 6ust one side. (hese artists wish not to di!ide the world in half and say one is good and one is bad and a!oid the bad and accept the good, but you must, to be a real and whole person, you must see all of life and see it in a balanced, honest way. * would include 'r. Bruce, certainly, in his intent, and he has success in doing this, as did %abelais and Swift. At one point during the trial, a couple of 01#year#old college students were admonished by the 6udgeE they had been distributing the following leaflet outside the courtroom@
2-*C/:- T/ T#- ()&C-F *enny 1ruce' one of )merica!s foremost comedians and social critics' is at this moment playing an unwilling part as a straight man in a social comedy put on by the City and County of ,an (rancisco. Incongruously' in our urbane city' this is a poor provincial farce' insensitively played by some of the city!s most shallow actors. 1ruce may be imaginative' but the dull-witted' prudish lines of the police department are not' neither are the old-maidish lyrics of section ;33.= of the California %enal Code' which in genteel' puritan prose condemns the users of ------- and ------- and other common e"pressions to play a part in the dreary melodrama of ",an (rancisco *aw -nforcement." &eally' we are grown up now. 2ith overpopulation' human misery and the threat of war increasing' we need rather more adult performances from society. Gou know' and I know' all about the hero!s impure thoughts. 2e!ve probably had them ourselves. :aking such a fuss isn!t convincing at all -- it lacks psychological realism -- as do most attempts to find a scapegoat for se"ual guilt feelings. (orgive *enny!s language. :ost of us use it at times; most of us even use the things and perform the acts considered unprintable and unspeakable by the authors of C,ection ;33.= of the %enal Code of the ,tate of CaliforniaD' though most of us are not nearly frank enough to say so. *enny has better things to do than play in this farce; the ta"payers have better uses for their money; and the little old ladies of both se"es who produce it should have better amusements. 2ith a nostalgic sigh' let!s pull down the curtain on People vs. Bruce and its genre; and present a far more interesting and fruitful play called Freedom of Speech. It would do our jaded ears good.

(he writer and distributor of the leaflet were properly chastised by the 6udge. And so the trial continued. &ne of the witnesses for the defense was .larence Knight, who had been an assistant district attorney for a couple of years in (ulare .ounty, .alifornia, and was deputy district attorney for four years in San 'ateo, where he e!aluated all pornography cases that were referred to the district attorney"s office. He had passed on "probably between 944 and 9<4 separate items of material in regard to the pornographic or nonpornographic content thereof." As with the others, his prurient interests were not aroused by my performance at the Ja55 Jor shop. *n fact, he said, while being cross#e7amined about the "coc suc er" reference@ "*n my opinion, 'r. Jollenberg, it was the funniest thing 'r. Bruce said that

night."

Chapter Twenty
$inally, * was called as a witness in my own behalf. * too the stand, and 'r. Bendich e7amined me. R. 'r. Bruce, 'r. Jollenberg yesterday said Hto ,r. GottliebI specifically that you had said, ")at it." ,id you say thatF A. +o, * ne!er said that. R. Jhat did you say, 'r. BruceF A. Jhat did * say whenF R. &n the night of &ctober fourth. '%. J&LL)+B)%G@ (here"s no testimony that 'r. Jollenberg said that 'r. Bruce said, ")at it," the night of &ctober fourth, if your Honor please. (H) .&-%(@ (he 8uestion is@ Jhat did he sayF (H) J*(+)SS@ * don"t mean to be facetious. 'r. Jollenberg said, ")at it." * said, "Kiss it." '%. B)+,*.H@ ,o you apprehend there is a significant difference between the two phrases, 'r. BruceF A. "Kissing it" and "eating it," yes, sir. Kissing my mother goodbye and eating my mother goodbye, there is a 8uantity of difference. R. 'r. Jollenberg also 8uoted you as saying, "*"m coming, *"m coming, *"m coming." ,id you say thatF A. * ne!er said that. '%. B)+,*.H@ . . . 'r. Bruce, do you recall using the term "coc suc er"F A. /es. R. .an you recall accurately now how you used that termF A. /ou mean accuracy right on the head ## total recallF R. /es, 'r. Bruce. A. *f a "the" and an "an" are changed around, no. * don"t ha!e that e7act, on#the# head recall. (hat"s impossibleE it"s impossible. * defy anyone to do it. (hat"s impossible. R. 'r. Bruce, if a "the" and an "an" were turned around, as you ha!e put it, would that imply a significant difference in the characteri5ation of what was said that e!eningF A. /es, yes. R. Are you saying, 'r. Bruce, that unless your words can be gi!en in e7act, accurate, !erbatim reproduction, that your meaning cannot be made clearF (H) J*(+)SS@ /es, that is true. * would li e to e7plain that. (he "* am coming, * am coming" reference, which * ne!er said ## if we change ## (H) .&-%(@ Jait a minute, wait a minute. *f you ne!er said it, there"s nothing to e7plain. (H) J*(+)SS@ Jhether that is a coming in the Second .oming or a different coming ## (H) .&-%(@ Jell, you wait until your counsel"s ne7t 8uestion, now. '%. B)+,*.H@ 'r. Bruce, in gi!ing your performance on the night of &ctober

fourth in the Ja55 Jor shop, as a conse8uence of which you suffered an arrest and as a result of which you are presently on trial on the charge of obscenity, did you intend to arouse anybody"s prurient interestF A. +o. (here had been a tape recording made of that particular show. * listened to it, and when * came to the first word that San $rancisco felt was taboo or a derogatory phrase, * stoppedE then * went bac about ten minutes before * e!en started to relate to that word, letting it resol!e itselfE * did this with the three specific things * was charged with, put them together and the resulting tape was played in court. . . this tape * made to 8uestion a father"s concept of God who made the child"s body but 8ualified the creati!ity by stopping it abo!e the neecaps and resuming it abo!e the Adam"s apple, thereby gi!ing lewd connotations to mother"s breast that fed us and father"s groin that bred us. Before the tape was played, 'r. Bendich pointed out to the 6udge that "there are portions of this tape which are going to e!o e laughter in the audience." (H) .&-%(@ * anticipated youE * was going to gi!e that admonition. '%. B)+,*.H@ Jell, what * was going to as , your Honor, is whether the audience might not be allowed to respond naturally, gi!en the circumstances that this is an accurate reproduction of a performance which is gi!en at a night clubE it"s going to e!o e comic response, and * belie!e that it would be as ing more than is humanly possible of the persons in this courtroom not to respond humanly, which is to say, by way of laughter. (H) .&-%(@ Jell, as * pre!iously remar ed, this is not a theater and it is not a show, and * am not going to allow any such thing. * anticipated you this morning, and * was going to and * am now going to admonish the spectators that you are not to treat this as a performance. (his is not for your entertainment. (here"s a !ery serious 8uestion in!ol!ed here, the right of the =eople and the right of the defendant. And * admonish you that you are to control yoursel!es with regard to any emotions that you may feel during the hearing this morning or by the taping and reproduction of this tape. All right, you may proceed. And the tape was played@
. . . The hungry i. The hungry i has a 8rayline Tour and )merican *egion convention. They took all the bricks out and put in ,aran 2rap. That!s it )nd (erlinghetti is going to the (airmont. Gou know' this was a little snobby for me to work. I just wanted to go back to )nn!s. Gou don!t know about that' do youE .o you share that recall with meE It!s the first gig I ever worked up here' a place called )nn!s 559' which was across the street. )nd I got a call' and I was working a burles?ue gig with %aul :oore in the $alley. That!s the cat on the piano here' which is really strange' seeing him after all these years' and working together. )nd the guy says' "There!s a place in ,an (rancisco but they!ve changed the policy." "2ell' what!s the policyE" "2ell' I!m not there anymore' that!s the main thing." "2ell' what kind of a show is it' manE" ") bunch of cocksuckers' that!s all. ) damned fag show." "/h. 2ell' that is a pretty bi<arre show. I don!t know what I can do in that kind of a show." "2ell' no. It!s -- we want you to change all that." "2ell -- I don!t -- that!s a big gig. I can!t just tell them to stop doing it." /h' I like you' and if sometimes I take poetic license with you and you are offended -now this is just with semantics' dirty words. 1elieve me' I!m not profound' this is something that I assume someone must have laid on me' because I do not have an original thought. I am screwed

-- I speak -nglish -- that!s it. I was not born in a vacuum. -very thought I have belongs to somebody else. Then I must just take -- ding-ding-ding -- somewhere. ,o I am not placating you by making the following statement. I want to help you if you have a dirty-word problem. There are none' and I!ll spell it out logically to you. #ere is a toilet. ,pecifically -- that!s all we!re concerned with' specifics -- if I can tell you a dirty toilet joke' we must have a dirty toilet. That!s what we!re talking about' a toilet. If we take this toilet and boil it and it!s clean' I can never tell you specifically a dirty toilet joke about this toilet. I can tell you a dirty toilet joke in the :ilner #otel' or something like that' but this toilet is a clean toilet now. /bscenity is a human manifestation. This toilet has no central nervous system' no level of consciousness. It is not aware; it is a dumb toilet; it cannot be obscene; it!s impossible. If it could be obscene' it could be cranky' it could be a Communist toilet' a traitorous toilet. It can do none of these things. This is a dirty toilet here. +obody can offend you by telling you a dirty toilet story. They can offend you because it!s trite; you have heard it many' many times. +ow' all of us have had a bad early toilet training -- that!s why we are hung up with it. )ll of us at the same time got two <ingers -- one for the police department and one for the toilet. ")ll right' he made a kahkah' call a policeman. )ll right' /A' all right. )re you going to do that anymoreE /A' tell the policeman he doesn!t have to come up now." )ll right' now we all got "%oliceman' policeman' policeman'" and we had a few psychotic parents who took it and rubbed it in our face' and those people for the most' if you search it out' are censors. /h' true' they hate toilets with a passion' man. .o you reali<e if you got that wrapped around with a toilet' you!d hate it' and anyone who refers to itE It is dirty and uncomfortable to you. +ow' if the bedroom is dirty to you' then you are a true atheist' because if you have any of the mores' superstitions' if anyone in this audience believes that 8od made his body' and your body is dirty' the fault lies with the manufacturer. It!s that cold' @im' yeah. Gou can do anything with the body that 8od made' and then you want to get definitive and tell me of the parts #e made; I don!t see that anywhere in any reference to any 1ible. Geah. #e made it all; it!s all clean or all dirty. 1ut the ambivalence comes from the religious leaders' who are celibates. The religious leaders are "what should be." They say they do not involve themselves with the physical. If we are good' we will be like our rabbi' or our nun' or our priests' and absolve' and finally put down the carnal and stop the race. +ow' dig' this is stranger. -verybody today in the hotel was bugged with Anight and +i"on. *et me tell you the truth. The truth is "what is. If "what is" is' you have to sleep eight' ten hours a day' that is the truth. ) lie will be %eople need no sleep at all. Truth is "what is. If every politician from the beginning is crooked' there is no crooked. 1ut if you are concerned with a lie' "what should be" -- and "what should be" is a fantasy' a terrible' terrible lie that someone gave the people long ago This is what should be -- and no one ever saw what should be' that you don!t need any sleep and you can go seven years without sleep' so that all the people were made to measure up to that dirty lie. Gou know there!s no crooked politicians. There!s never a lie because there is never a truth. I sent this agency a letter -- they are bonded and you know what that means anybody who is bonded never steals from you' nor could -arl *ong. #aF If the governor can' then the bond is really -- yeah' that!s some bond. $ery good. 2rite the letter. 1lah' blah' blah' "I want this'" blah' blah' blah' "ticket taker." 8et a letter back' get an answer back' :acon' 8eorgia ".ear :r. 1ruce &eceived your letter'" blah' blah' blah. "2e have ticket sellers' bonded. 2e charge two-and-a-half dollars per ticket seller' per hour. 2e would have to have some more details'" blah' blah' blah' ",incerely yours' .ean &. :o"ie." .ean &. :o"ie. . . .ean &. :o"ie. . . :o"ie' buddy. .ean &. :o"ie' from the (lorida criminal correctional institution for the criminally insane' and beat up a spade-fed junkie before he was thrown off the police force' and then was arrested for schtuppin! his stepdaughter. .ean &. :o"ie. #mmm. )ll right' now' because I have a sense of the ludicrous' I sent him back an answer' :r. :o"ie. .ig' because I mean this is some of the really goodies I had in the letter' you know. #e

wants to know details. ".ear :r. :o"ie It would be useless to go into the definitive' a breakdown of what the duties will be' unless I can be sure that the incidents that have happened in the past will not be reiterated' such as ticket takers I have hired' who claimed they were harassed by customers who wanted their money back' such as the fop in ,an @ose who is suing me for being stabbed. Claims he was stabbed by an irate customer' and it was a lie -- it was just a manicure scissors' and you couldn!t see it because it was below the eyebrow' and when his eye was open' you couldn!t see it anyway. C,o I tell him a lot of problems like that.D )nd -- oh yes' oh yeah -- my father. . . has been in three mental institutions' and detests the fact that I am in the industry' and really abhors the fact that I have been successful economically and has harassed some ticket sellers' like in ,acramento he stood in line posing as a customer and' lightning flash' grabbed a handful of human feces and crammed it in the ticket taker!s face. )nd once in .etroit he posed as a customer and he leaned against the booth so the ticket seller could not see him' and he was e"posing himself' and had a sign hanging from it' saying 2#-+ 2- #IT H3>99' T#- 80G I+,I.- T#- 1//T# I, 8/I+8 T/ AI,, IT." +ow' you!d assume .ean &. :o"ie' reading the letter' would just reject that and have enough validity to grab it in again. ".ear :r. :o"ie Gou know' of course' that if these facts were to fall into the hands of some yellow journalists' this would prove a deterrent to my career. ,o I!m giving you' you know' my confessor' you know'" blah' blah' blah. ")lso' this is not a re?uisite of a ticket seller' but I was wondering if I could have a ticket seller who could be more than a ticket seller -- a companion." &eally light now. This is really subtle. ") companion' someone who I could have coffee with' someone who is not narrowminded like the -- I had a stunning .anish seaman type in /regon' who misinterpreted me and stole my watch." #aF #a' is that heavyE ",tole my watch. )m hoping to hear from you'" blah' blah' blah' "*enny 1ruce." /A. +ow I send him a booster letter. ".ear :r. :o"ie :y attorney said I was mad for ever confessing what has happened to me' you know' so I know that I can trust you' and I have sent you some cologne." #aF ",ent you some cologne' and I don!t know what!s happened. . ." Isn!t this beautifulE ")nd I don!t know what!s happened to that naughty postman' naughtiest. . ." 8et this phraseology. I hadn!t heard' you know. +ow I get an answer from him "2e cannot insure the incidents that have happened in the past will not reoccur. ) ticket seller that would sociali<e is out of the ?uestion." I think this is beautiful. ")nd I did not receive any cologne nor do we care for any. .ean &. :o"ie. . ." "#ith drum and cym$al accompaniment.% To is a preposition. To is a preposition Come is a verb. To is a preposition. Come is a verb. To is a preposition. Come is a verb' the verb intransitive. To come. To come. I!ve heard these two words my whole adult life' and as a kid when I thought I was sleeping. To come. To come. It!s been like a big drum solo. .id you comeE .id you comeE

8ood. .id you come goodE .id you come goodE .id you come goodE .id you come goodE .id you come goodE .id you come goodE .id you come goodE I come better with you' sweetheart' than anyone in the whole goddamned world. I really came so good. I really came so good !cause I love you. I really came so good. I come better with you' sweetheart' than anyone in the whole world. I really came so good. ,o good. 1ut don!t come in me. .on!t come in me. .on!t come in me' me' me' me' me. .on!t come in me' me' me' me. .on!t come in me. .on!t come in me' me' me. .on!t come in me' me' me. I can!t come. !Cause you don!t love me' that!s why you can!t come. I love you' I just can!t come; that!s my hang-up' I can!t come when I!m loaded' all rightE !Cause you don!t love me. @ust what the hell is the matter with youE 2hat has that got to do with lovingE I just can!t come. +ow' if anyone in this room or the world finds those two words decadent' obscene' immoral' amoral' ase"ual' the words "to come" really make you feel uncomfortable' if you think I!m rank for saying it to you' you the beholder think it!s rank for listening to it' you probably can!t come. )nd then you!re of no use' because that!s the purpose of life' to re-create it.

'r. Jollenberg called me to the witness stand for cross#e7amination@ R. 'r. Bruce, had you a written script when you ga!e this performanceF A. +o. '%. B)+,*.H@ &b6ected to as irrele!ant, your Honor. (H) .&-%(@ (he answer is "+o"E it may stand. '%. J&LL)+B)%G@ * ha!e no further 8uestions. (H) .&-%(@ All right, you may step down. (H) J*(+)SS@ (han you. '%. B)+,*.H@ (he defense rests, your Honor. (he time had come for the 6udge to instruct the 6ury@ "(he defendant is charged with !iolating Section :00.2 of the =enal .ode of the State of .alifornia, which pro!ides@
-very person who knowingly sings or speaks any obscene song' ballad' or other words in any public place is guilty of a misdemeanor.

" "&bscene" means to the a!erage person, applying contemporary standards, the predominant appeal of the matter, ta en as a whole, is to prurient interestE that is, a shameful or morbid interest in nudity, se7 or e7cretion which goes substantially beyond the customary limits of candor in description or representation of such matters and is

matter which is utterly without redeeming social importance. "(he words "a!erage person" mean the a!erage adult person and ha!e no relation to minors. (his is not a 8uestion of what you would or would not ha!e children see, hear or read, because that is beyond the scope of the law in this case and is not to be discussed or considered by you. " "Se7" and "obscenity" are not synonymous. *n order to ma e the portrayal of se7 obscene, it is necessary that such portrayal come within the definition gi!en to you, and the portrayal must be such that its dominant tendency is to depra!e or corrupt the a!erage adult by tending to create a clear and present danger of antisocial beha!ior. "(he law does not prohibit the realistic portrayal by an artist of his sub6ect matter, and the law may not re8uire the author to put refined language into the mouths of primiti!e people. (he speech of the performer must be considered in relation to its setting and the theme or themes of his production. (he use of blasphemy, foul or coarse language, and !ulgar beha!ior does not in and of itself constitute obscenity, although the use of such words may be considered in arri!ing at a decision concerning the whole of the production. "(o determine whether the performance of the defendant falls within the condemnation of the statute, an e!aluation must be made as to whether the performance as a whole had as its dominant theme an appeal to prurient interest. Garious factors should be borne in mind when applying this yardstic . (hese factors include the theme or themes of the performance, the degree of sincerity of purpose e!ident in it, whether it has artistic merit. *f the performance is merely disgusting or re!olting, it cannot be obscene, because obscenity contemplates the arousal of se7ual desires. "A performance cannot be considered utterly without redeeming social importance if it has literary, artistic or aesthetic merit, or if it contains ideas, regardless of whether they are unorthodo7, contro!ersial, or hateful, of redeeming social importance. "*n the case of certain crimes, it is necessary that in addition to the intended act which characteri5es the offense, the act must be accompanied by a specific or particular intent without which such a crime may not be committed. (hus, in the crime charged here, a necessary element is the e7istence in the mind of the defendant of nowing that the material used in his production on &ctober 3, 0120, was obscene, and that, nowing it to be obscene, he presented such material in a public place. "(he intent with which an act is done is manifested by the circumstances attending the act, the manner in which it is done, the means used, and the discretion of the defendant. *n determining whether the defendant had such nowledge, you may consider re!iews of his wor which were a!ailable to him, stating that his performance had artistic merit and contained socially important ideas, or, on the contrary, that his performance did not ha!e any artistic merit and did not contain socially important ideas." (he court cler read the !erdict@ "*n the 'unicipal .ourt of the .ity and .ounty of San $rancisco, State of .aliforniaE the =eople of the State of .alifornia, =laintiff, vs. Lenny Bruce, ,efendantE Gerdict. . ." * really started to sweat it out there. "Je, the 6ury in the abo!e#entitled case, find the defendant not guilty of the offense charged, misdemeanor, to wit@ !iolating Section :00.2 of the =enal .ode of the

State of .alifornia. . ." "Ladies and gentlemen of the 6ury, is this your !erdictF" (H) J-%/@ /es. (H) .&-%(@ All right. ,o you desire the 6ury polledF '%. J&LL)+B)%G@ +o, your Honor. (H) .&-%(@@ Jould you as the 6ury once again if that is their !erdict. (H) .L)%K@ Ladies and gentlemen of the 6ury, is this your !erdictF (H) J-%/@ /es. *sn"t that weirdL *t"s li e saying, "Are you s$re:-

Chapter Twenty&!ne
'ari6uana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smo e pot will some day become .ongressmen and legali5e it in order to protect themsel!es. /ou wouldn"t believe how many people smo e pot. *f anybody reading this would li e to become mayor, belie!e me, there is a !ast, untapped !ote. &f course, you wouldn"t want to be the 'ari6uana 'ayor, so you"d ha!e to ma e it a tric statute, li eE "(he .rippled .atholic Jewish Jar .hildren in 'emory of Jard Bond Jho ,ied for /our Bill to 'a e 'ari6uana Legal." Just li e the gynecologist who pretends "*t doesn"t mean anything to me ## * see that all the time," there are untold numbers of men and women and college students all o!er the country who play the "* now and you now but we"ll both ma e belie!e we"re asleep" game with the Nig#Nag cigarette paper people. And yet at this !ery moment there are American citi5ens in 6ail for s!okin* 4lowers. H'ari6uana is the dried flowering top of the hemp plant.I * don"t smo e pot, and *"m glad because then * can champion it without special pleading. (he reason * don"t smo e it is because it facilitates ideas and heightens sensations ## and *"!e got enough shit flying through my head without smo ing pot. At this time, ladies and gentlemen of the 6ury, the State will present its closing argument in the case against mari6uana@ *t leads to the use of heroin and other dangerous, addicti!e drugs. *f this syllogism holds true, the bust#out 6un ie will say to his cellmate@ "* am a heroin addict. * started smo ing mari6uana and then naturally * graduated to heroin. By the way, my cellmate, what happened to youF How did you come to murder three guys in a crap gameF /ou"!e got blood on your hands. How did you first get obsessed with this terrible disease of gamblingF Jhere did it all startF" "&h, * started gambling with Bingo in the .atholic .hurch. . ." (he newspapers said that the late =ope John was being fed intra!enously. "Je don"t li e to do this, =ope, but we"!e got to ta e you downtown. (hose mar s on your arm there. . . now don"t gi!e us any of that horseshit about intra!enous feeding ## we hear it all the time." *"m neither anti#.atholic nor pro#.atholic, but if * were .atholic myself *"d be 8uite hostile toward the press. (o 8uote from the Los 1n*eles Herald-E3a!iner. "Short

of a miracle, he C=ope JohnD could be e7pected to die at any moment." Superstitious people all o!er the world waited and waited for that miracle, but it ne!er came. /es, brothers, anyone who does anything for pleasure to indulge his selfish soul will surely burn in hell. (he only medicine that"s good for you is iodine, because it burns. (hat stone is lodged in your urinary tract because +ature !eant it to be there. So retie that umbilical cord, snap your fores in bac on, and drown in the amniotic fluid, "cause we"re ha!in" a party and the people are nice. . . (he religious factor enters Has opposed to the scientificI because the scientists as for prima#facie e!idence and the religionists as for circumstantial e!idence. (he argument that medicine is not an e7act science and is therefore circumstantial, is merely a wish#fulfillment posed by those who now that "Jhen all else fails, prayer will be answered." R-)%/@ ",octor, *"m sorry to wa e you in the middle of the night li e this, but * ha!e a serious 8uestion about opinion !ersus fact. *n your opinion, can my wife and * use the same hypodermic syringe to in6ect insulin for our diabetic conditionsF Because *"m almost in shoc . &ooops, here * go. (a e it, Sadie." "Hello, ,octor, this is (im"s wife. Listen, it"s serious. Should we share the syringeF *"!e got Staphylococcus septicemia and he"s got infectious hepatitis. /ou do remember me, don"t youF /ou told me it was all right to marry my first husband, the one who died of syphilis. * ne!er regretted it. Je ha!e a lo!ely son who, incidentally, would li e your address ## he wants to send you some things he"s ma ing at (he Lighthouse, a broom and a pot holder." Actually, * sympathi5e with doctors, because they perform a de!ilish 6ob, and * certainly admire anyone with the stic #to#iti!eness to spend that much time in school. (hey are actually underpaid in relation to the amount of time in!ested in training, no matter how much they ma e. A specialist may ha!e nearly 94 years of no income at all to ma e up for. But people e!aluate their time with his" and then they figure his fees are e7orbitant. (hat"s why they ha!e no moral compunction about hanging the doctor up with his bills while they"ll pay the (G repairman right off. Besides, they rationali5e, the doctor is in it because of his desire to ser!e humanity. But they also say@ "*f you ha!en"t got your health, money isn"t worth anything." &h, yeahF *f you"re deathly ill, money means a hell of a lot. )specially to the doctor. &ne illness * had, started out with a rash on my face. * recei!ed all the sage ad!ice of my friends@ ",on"t pic it." "(hat"s the worst thing you can do, is pic it." "*f you pic it, it will ta e twice as long to heal." * heeded them. * didn"t pic it ## and there were times * could ha!e. (imes when * was alone and had the door loc ed. * could ha!e 6ust pic ed it to my heart"s content. And * e!en schemed that if anyone were to as me later, "Ha!e you been pic ing your faceF" * would loo !ery hurt and say, ",o * loo li e a moronF Jhat am *, deaf or somethingF

*"m not going to do the worst thing in the worldL" * didn"t pic it, though. And it got worse. $inally * decided to see a s in specialist. He laid me down on a cold leather couch and the first thing he did was pic it. He didn"t e!en use twee5ers. He pi%ked it ## with his fingers. (hat"s the secret. (he doctors are the ones who start the ",on"t pic it" campaigns, because they want to ha!e e7clusi!e pic ings. "Jhat is itF" * as ed, as he washed his hands and smeared goo on my face. "*t"s going around," he said, intently. "Jhat do you mean, "*t"s going around"F" * demanded. -6o$ ha!en"t got it." "*t"ll go away," he assured me. (hose are the two things all doctors must learn, 6ust before they graduate. After they"!e spent years and years learning all the scientific nowledge accumulated by the medical profession, 6ust as they are handed their diplomas, the Surgeon General whispers in their ears@ "*t"s going around, and it"ll go away." *t did go away. Just the way colds "go away" and headaches "go away." ,id you e!er wonder where all the colds and headaches and rashes *o when they go awayF Bac to some central clearing area, * suppose, to wait their turn to "go around" again. As a result of a se!ere case of hepatitis in the +a!y, and a subse8uent recurrence after the Jar, * ha!e been plagued for many years with spells of lethargy. Some of the spells could e!en be described as attac s. (he lethargy was more than 6ust a drowsiness. * would find myself simultaneously dictating and sleeping ## and since * spea in a stream# of#conscious, apparently unrelated pattern, secretaries would be typing into eight#ten minutes of mumbling and abstraction, such as one might e7pect from a half#awa e, half# asleep reporter. &nce, while dri!ing a disc#6oc ey friend of mine into town about one o"cloc in the afternoon, * fell asleep at the wheel. * wo e up in a rut. (he name of a good doctor was suggested to me. He as ed me if * had any history of narcolepsy ## that"s a condition characteri5ed by sharp attac s of deep sleep. * said no. And he prescribed an amphetamine, which * belie!e is the generic term for ,e7edrine, Ben5edrine, Byphetamine, and the base for most diet pills, mood ele!ators, pep pills, thrill pills, etc. (his was in =hiladelphia. * was wor ing at a night club in =ennsau en ## which is really =hiladelphia, only it"s in +ew Jersey geographically ## 6ust as +ewar , +ew Jersey is really +ew /or .ity. (he %ed Hill *nn is a 244#seater with a fi!e#dollars#per#person co!er and minimum. *t was (hursday and * had a terrible sei5ure of uncontrollable, teeth#chattering chills. Jhen * ha!e the chills, * always li e to tal while my teeth clac together and go, "Ja#6a#6a#6a#6a#Jee5us, *"m free5ing ma#ma#ma#ma#ma#myassoff." 'y doctor came and said not to get out of bed. * had a fe!er of 049 degrees. +e7t day it was 04:. He came to my hotel twice that day. $riday night was si7 hours away. (hat"s the one correct thing about show business. (he nighttime is specifically defined. "*"ll see you tonight" means 04@:4. )!ening is 1@:4.

*n si7 hours either * would be on the stage or the boss would be guaranteed a loss of P2444. +ow, what would you do if you had a 04:#degree fe!er, nowing that if you didn"t get on the stage, you wouldn"t be paid the P0>44 that was yours from the grossF Ha!ing a conscience and reali5ing that P0>44 is a lot of friggin" money ## * naturally felt the show must go onE a trouper to the end ## * wor ed, and came home with a fe!er of 04< degrees. 'y doctor called in a consultant. (he consultant called a nurse to try to bring my fe!er down. (he fe!er subsided and the Staph bug lay dormant. *t wo e up si7 months later nice and strong, and almost illed me for a month and a halfE for a wee * was on the critical list at 'ount Sinai Hospital in 'iami Beach. A year later, in September, 0120, * was arrested for the first time on a charge of following my doctor"s orders. * was playing =ennsau en again. * was staying at the John Bartram Hotel in =hiladelphia, across the street from )!ans" =harmacy, si7 bloc s away from my doctor"s office, se!eral miles away from the %ed Hill *nn, and twenty#four hours away from my second !isit to the hospital. * started to get chills and, fearing a recurrence of Staph, * telephoned my doctor. He was away for the wee end. But his consultant put me into Ha!erford Hospital. * stayed four days before going bac to the hotel. At ten minutes after twel!e noon on September 91th * heard a noc on my door at the hotel. Jhich was indeed disturbing, because * had left an adamant re8uest that * not be disturbed. "*t"s the manager." #a!& #a!& #a!& ".an you manage to refrain from noc ing at my doorF" "/ou better open up ## it"s for your own good." #a!& #a!& #a!& "Hello, des F (here"s some ind of a nut outside my door who says he"s the manager. *"d li e the police." 0r$n%h& 0ra%k& =laster fell, and the door wal ed in wearing si5e#09 shoes. "*t"s the police." ".hrist, what ser!ice. * 6ust called for you guys." "+e!er mind the shit, where"s the shitF" +ow is that weird ## these guys say "Jhere"s the shitF" nowing that *"ll do a bit. *f * copped out to it ## that is, if there were any shit ## "(he shit, sir, if you"re referring to the products of =ar e ,a!is, is scattered on my dresser. And if you will indly remo!e that ,& +&( ,*S(-%B sign from my arm. . . * cannot do so with your handcuffs restraining me." *ncidentally, * use the word "shit" in conte7t. *t"s not obscene as far as narcotics is concerned ## that"s the Supreme .ourt ruling on the picture The 0onne%tion. *n other words, if you shit in your pants and smo e it, you"re cool. &fficer =erry of the =hiladelphia +arcotics -nit testified at a hearing the ne7t day@ "Armed with a search and sei5ure warrant signed by 'agistrate Keiser, we went to the John Bartram Hotel, room 202. -pon gaining entrance to the room, we did conduct a search of the defendant"s room and found in a bureau drawer the following paraphernalia@ &ne green bo7 containing thirty#si7 ampules labeled 'ethedrine, and also one plastic !ial containing ele!en white tablets, not labeled, one glass bottle containing ##" And the court interposed in the person of ,er Keiser himself Hthe magistrate who

had issued the warrant and was now passing on the !alidity of his proceduresI@ "*dentified then as whatF" "Je don"t now, sir. *t hasn"t been analy5ed yet." (H) ,*S(%*.( A((&%+)/@ ",oes it contain li8uids, or powder or pillsF" &$$*.)% =)%%/@ "* stated ele!en tablets in plastic !ial, not labeledE one plastic bottle containing a clear li8uid with George )!ans =harmacy label, narcotic +o. 3049, +o. 1>#:<0E one plastic !ial containing thirteen white tablets, labeled antihistamineE fi!e glass syringesE twenty plastic syringesE four needles. "Je interrogated the defendant pertaining to the paraphernalia, sir. (he defendant stated to me, in company with the other officers, that he had gotten these legitimately. "* then told the defendant to dress himself, he would come down to +arcotics Head8uarters. "(he defendant stated he was too ill to be mo!ed. (he procedure was to call the police surgeon. . . Lenny Bruce refused to let this doctor e7amine him." * had said, "He"s your doctor, s%h!$%k. * want my doctor." (he transcript, by the way, is incorrectly punctuated on this point. *t comes out reading, "He"s your ,octor Schmuc . . ." 'y doctor"s consultant"s name was on my prescription, and the officer contacted him because, as he e7plained to the court, he had wanted to chec with the doctor to see whether * could be mo!ed. (he consultant supposedly told him * could be. * was 6ust out of the hospital and he ga!e this diagnosis o!er the phoneL (he officer continued his testimony@ "At that time Lenny still refused to be mo!ed. * called for a police wagon and a stretcher. (he defendant was ta en out of the John Bartram Hotel on a stretcher ##" (hey got me on the stretcher, and e!erybody was sullen and 8uiet, including ,r. Schmuc , until we got to the ele!ator. +ow, stretchers are made for hospital ele!ators. (hey are se!en feet long, and most ele!ators fall se!eral feet short of that. (he dialog ran as follows@ S(%)(.H)%#B)A%)% +-'B)% &+)@ "How the hell are we gonna get this thing in the ele!atorF CTo patientD Hey, Bruce, why don"t you cooperate and get out of this thing till we get to the street, then you can get bac in it." "*"d li e to oblige you, 'r. Ayres, but as noble as your intentions are, some old %$! la$de district attorney will per!ert your words on cross#e7amination@ "So he said he was too ill to be mo!ed, but he got out of the stretcher before getting into the ele!ator. . ." " How they resol!ed the problem was to put the stretcher in the way it fit@ up and down. $eet up, head down. Because * didn"t cooperate, a slant#board position was my reward. =eople getting into the ele!ator ## "Hello, 'r. Bruce." * was loo ing up e!erybody"s bloomers. And where do you thin they brought me, boys and girlsF Jhere would you bring anyone who is on your stretcherF Jhy, to police head8uarters, of course. /es, * got the whole police treatment which, * go on record to state before any committee, is li e being dealt with by the monitors that we used to ha!e in school. =olice brutality is a myth, no doubt propagated by felons ashamed of ha!ing fin ed out eagerly at their first sight of bars. Anticipating continual sly references by mother and brother,

they grasp for a method of self#ser!ing. &h, how they beat me %ubber hosed and Sam Le!ened me And Brian ,onle!y"d me *n their bac rooms. "Gi!e us names, Bruce, Gi!e us the names and you .an wal out a free man. Gi!e us the names of a $ew of your friends." But *, Spartan#sired, Jould do ten years in prison Before * would gi!e (he name of one friend ## &r is that a little bullshitF * would gi!e names upon names &f those yet unborn %ather than do a <4th birthday *n some ma7imum security. (he halls of 6ustice. (he only place /ou see the 6ustice, *s in the halls. -The rotten D.1." how abo$t that son o4 a bit%h wantinta send those two poor babies to the *as %ha!ber" two poor kids barely o$t o4 their teens" who ,$st shot and killed their way a%ross the %o$ntry ## EF *as-station attendants who ,$st !issed s$pper and their lives. 1nd the kids only *ot AF %ents and a %o$ple o4 pa%ks o4 %i*arettes and a blown-o$t tire. Ladies and *entle!en o4 the ,$ry" the Distri%t 1ttorney wants to send those two poor kids to the *as %ha!ber 4or a pa%k o4 s!okes and AF %ents and a no-*ood tire.(he halls of 6ustice. (he only place /ou see the 6ustice, *s in the halls Jhere the felon hears A 6udge at recess tal ing (o that guy from the .apitol@ "/ou sure it"s all rightF" "Jould * tell you it was All right if it wasn"t All rightF /ou 6ust tell her /ou"re a friend of the 6udge"s."

.all .rest!iew 3, $ran lin B, 'ichigan >, .ircle <, %epublic :, (hey"re all her answering ser!ices, (hose unseen pimps who Jor for 'adam Bell. "*"m sorry, but 'iss Kim =at doesn"t answer her telephone. And * did try one ring and hang up, then three rings." "Jell, operator, *"ll be truthful with you, * wanna get laid, and if she"s busy, how about youF *"m blind, you see, no one will e!er now unless you should identify me at some line#up that you might be participating in." =olice brutality. (hin about it. (hin about the time it happened to you. *f your frame of reference is the South, that"s not police brutality, it"s Southern re!olution. (hat"s a separate %o$ntry down there. "(hey beat the crap out of me, but * pro!ed * was a man. (hey ept beating me, but * didn"t gi!e them no names." "Jhat names, s%h!$%k: /ou were arrested for e7posing yourself." As * loo at the transcript of my =hiladelphia hearing, * see a crystalli5ation of the argument that the Judicial and the )7ecuti!e are one, lessening the chec s#and#balances effect that was intended by Ben $ran lin and those other re!olutionaries who got together in =hiladelphia. .ross#e7amination by my attorney, 'alcolm Ber owit5, elicited the following from the cop who made the arrest@ R. ,o you ha!e your search and sei5ure warrantF A. /es, sir. R. 'ay we see itF A. =ositi!ely. '2ear%h and sei9$re warrant is e3a!ined by 5r. #erkowit9.+ (H) .&-%(@ *"ll attest to the fact it"s my signature thereon. R. +ow, in this search and sei5ure warrant the signature of the person re8uesting the warrant is =oliceman Albert (. =erry, a member of the +arcotics -nit. =erson to be searched, Lenny Bruce, white male, John Bartram Hotel, Broad and Locust, room 202. =roperty to be sei5ed@ opium, heroin, ,emerol, morphine, codeine, ,ilaudid, cocaine, mari6uana, and any and all other tablets, powders or li8uids. +ow of those articles to be sei5ed, &fficer =erry, did you sei5e any opiumF A. +o, sir. R. ,id you sei5e any heroinF A. +o, sir. R. ,id you sei5e any ,emerolF A. +o, sir. R. ,id you sei5e any morphineF A. +o, sir. R. ,id you sei5e any cocaineF A. +o, sir. (H) .&-%( '<nterposin*+. JaitE are you saying no to generali5eF A. /our Honor, they are deri!ati!es, sir, of opium. *t contains the opium base.

'O44i%er (erry sho$ld br$sh $p on his phar!a%olo*y. %o%aine is not a derivative o4 opi$!.+ (H) .&-%(@ /ou can"t say no. '%. B)%K&J*(N@ * ob6ect to this con!ersation, for the record. (H) .&-%(@ * as ed the 8uestion of the police officer to be more alert as to his answer in relationship to this situation when ## ,*S(%*.( A((&%+)/ HA%%*S '<nterposin*+. He was being truthful, sir. He said he did not confiscate heroin, or morphine, or opium. (hey ha!en"t been mentioned in the warrant. '%. B)%K&J*(N@ &f fi!e of the things to be sei5ed i+ this search and sei5ure warrant, he said he too none of them. '1ddressin* witness+ +ow. . . do you now if you confiscated any ,ilaudidF A. * do not now. R. .odeineF A. * do not now. R. 'ari6uanaF A. * now there"s no mari6uana there. R. *n other words, you found nothing in this man"s apartment that"s listed on this search and sei5ure warrant, did youF '%. HA%%*S@ &b6ection, sir. (hat"s not true. (he warrant calls for any other tablets, powders or li8uids. (H) .&-%(@ Sustain your ob6ection. '%. B)%K&J*(N@ /our Honor, the 8uestion *"!e as ed ## if you ha!e sustained the ob6ection, he can"t answer ## but the 8uestion *"!e as ed is a 8uestion relating to a material matter of fact in this case. * as ed the officer who made an affida!it that he was going there to sei5e those listed articles and others of li e land whether he had found any mari6uana, as was on that list, or anything li e it, and his answer to that 8uestion should be made. (here"s nothing improper about that 8uestion. *t is material. (H) .&-%(@ /ou"re as ing this man, this police officer, to ma e a statement on certain things that were found in that room that ha!e not been analy5ed as of yet. '%. B)%K&J*(N@ /our Honor, he made an affida!it that he was going there to pic things of that nature up. (H) .&-%(@ He e!entually will be able to pro!e or dispro!e that. '%. HA%%*S@ * thin 'r. Ber owit5 is o!erloo ing the entire section ## the line "Any other tablets, powders or li8uids" ## and they were confiscated. '%. B)%K&J*(N@ /our Honor, if he had aspirin in his apartment or any other powders or li8uids of that type, there would be no !iolation of the law in!ol!ed. *t"s only if he possesses something which he has no right to possess under any of our laws that this man could be guilty of crime, and ,etecti!e =erry, who made the affida!it and who signed an oath that he was going to this man"s apartment to find those things named in that warrant, that search and sei5ure warrant ## (H) .&-%( '<nterposin*+. (hat"s what he e7pected to find. '%. B)%K&J*(N@ But * ha!e to as him, because he"s the one placing the charge and we ha!e a hearing this morning. (H) .&-%(@ He did answer those 8uestions. '%. B)%K&J*(N@ He said "+o."

(H) .&-%(@ Jhere he was specifically certain ## for instance, in mari6uana, sir, he found no mari6uana. (here are certain prescriptions here, certain bottles and !ials that ha!e not been analy5ed as yet. '%. B)%K&J*(N@ /our Honor, he went further than that. He said@ "+o, * found no opium." "+o, * found no heroin. . ." (H) .&-%( '<nterposin*+. %ight. '%. B)%K&J*(N '0ontin$in*+. "+o, * found no ,emerol." "+o, * found no codeine." "+o, * found no ,ilaudid." "+o, * found no cocaine." "+o, * found no mari6uana." ,*S(%*.( A((&%+)/ HA%%*S@ As far as he nows. '%. B)%K&J*(N@ Jell, who else nows if he doesn"tF '%. HA%%*S@ (he police chemist. '%. B)%K&J*(N@ Jhere is the police chemistF '%. HA%%*S@ He"s home sleeping. /ou now that, 'r. Ber owit5. '%. B)%K&J*(N@ ,idn"t he now he had a hearing this morningF (H) .&-%(@ (he hearing would not ma e any difference. He has not had the opportunity of analy5ing it. *f you"re raising a re8uest for analysis, *"ll ha!e to gi!e a further hearing for that analysis, if you"re pressing for the analysis. '%. B)%K&J*(N@ *"m pressing for an analysis. * want an analysis now, this morning of our hearing. Jhat are the police doing ma ing arrests without being interested in finding out if they ha!e a caseE and ta e a man ne!er arrested before and stand him up before the bar of the court and hold him in custody. *f they ha!e e!idence, let them produce it. Gi!e us a hearing this afternoon. Let them tell us if there is anything ## (H) .&-%( '<nterposin*+. (his court, nor the ,istrict Attorney"s office, nor the police department, are they in control of the city chemist to force him to gi!e an immediate analysis at the con!enience of the defendant. '%. B)%K&J*(N@ *"m not as ing for con!enience. (H) .&-%(@ (hat"s what you"re as ing for. /ou"re as ing for an analysis. *"ll be glad to order an analysis and hold this defendant in proper or appropriate bail pending that analysis. '%. B)%K&J*(N@ &n what charge, your HonorF (H) .&-%(@ &n the charge of !iolation of the narcotics laws and the illegal use of drugs as so stipulated as of this warrant. '%. B)%K&J*(N@ Jhere is there any e!idence to entitle you to hold him on a further hearing on any chargeF (H) .&-%(@ Je will produce it. . . '%. B)%K&J*(N '0ontin$in* %ross-e3a!ination+. +ow, let me as you this@ Jas the city chemist off duty between the time you confiscated it in that apartment at ten minutes after noon yesterday and the end of the normal business day yesterdayF A. +o, sir. (H) .&-%(@ * don"t thin the witness has to answer this, because he described earlier that this defendant was the one who probably depri!ed the police department of getting this to a chemist at an appropriate time by his own actions and refusal to be apprehended, to be chec ed, to be e7amined, * and to ha!e this sent to the city chemist in sufficient time to ha!e an analysis for this day.

'%. B)%K&J*(N@ How many officers went with you to the hotel room where Lenny Bruce was stayingF A. (hreeE &fficers 'iller and Nawac is. R. How many of you had to carry him on the stretcher. . . F A. Je called a wagon. R. /ou didn"t carry himF A. * helped carry him, yes, sir. R. ,id the other two officers with you help carry himF A. * thin &fficer Nawac is assisted the other policemen at that time. R. How many officers carried him down on the stretcherF A. $our. R. How many officers were presentF A. $i!e. R. +ow, who had control of the !arious things that are displayed before his HonorF A. * had that in my custody. R. Jhat pre!ented you from ta ing it to the city chemist that afternoon analysisF (H) .&-%( '<nterposin*+. Let me answer for the police officer. (he police officer could not get anything there to the chemist until he had been apprehended properly and an arrest report made, and these reports that must accompany this to the city chemist. '%. B)%K&J*(N@ *s that your answer, &fficer =erry, under oathF A. (hat"s my answer. (hat"s the correct answer . . . R. Because you were the one who didn"t go to the chemistF A. 'y answer is by the time we got done with the defendant ## he wanted to be loo ed at by a medical doctor, and we made a call to the surgeon, and by the time * contacted the doctor to see if he could be mo!ed, it was late. * got into my office and prepared the paperwor and it was too late to deli!er to the chemist. (he chemist is closed at fi!e o"cloc . . . R. Jhat made you go loo up Lenny Bruce, other than the fact he was a big#name headlinerF '%. HA%%*S@ &b6ection, sir. (hey don"t ha!e to re!eal the source of their information. (H) .&-%(@ * sustain the ob6ection. '%. B)%K&J*(N@ /ou e!er see him use any drugs yourselfF A. +o, sir. R. ,id you e!er see him buying anything that he shouldn"t ha!e boughtF A. * didn"t e!en now the defendant, sir. R. /ou ne!er heard of him, eitherF A. +e!er heard of him. R. +e!er new he was a headlinerF A. +e!er heard of him. And he"s supposed to be topnotchF * ne!er heard of him. R. How about 'ort Sahl, do you now who he isF A. /es, he reads a boo or something. Since * was scheduled to open in San $rancisco the ne7t wee ## where, you may

recall, * was to be arrested for obscenity ## * was let go on P0<44 bail. *n the end, the =hiladelphia grand 6ury refused to accept the bill, and they stamped across it@ B*LL *G+&%),.

Chapter Twenty&two
$or self#protection, * now carry with me at all times a small bound boo let consisting of photostats of statements made by physicians, and prescriptions and bottle labels. $or e7ample, here is a letter written ,ecember 91, 0120 by a Be!erly Hills doctor@
To 2hom It :ay Concern :r. *enny 1ruce has been under my professional care for the past two years for various minor orthopedic conditions. In addition' :r. 1ruce suffers from episodes of severe depression and lethargy. #is response to oral amphetamine has not been particularly satisfactory' so he has been instructed in the proper use of intravenous injections of :ethedrine Cmethamphetamine hydrochlorideD. This has given a satisfactory response. :ethedrine in ampules of 39ccC69mgD' together with disposable syringes' has been prescribed for intravenous use as needed. :r. 1ruce has asked that I write this letter in order that any peace officer observing fresh needle marks on :r. 1race!s arm may be assured that they are the result of :ethedrine injections for therapeutic reasons. +orman %. &otenberg' :...

* might add that historically there was 8uite a problem in )ngland where the ing"s men were stopping people on the street to see if they were fit for burning ## i.e., if they had re6ected the Anglican church. So these malcontents, later nown as the =ilgrim $athers, cowards that they were, fled to escape persecution. -pon arri!ing here, they entered into their illegal beliefs, these =rotestants, and formed their sinister doctrine that is at this late date still interfering with law#enforcement agencies, still obstructing 6ustice throughout our land, because of technicalities such as the 0:th Amendment to the .onstitution, which guarantees that persons will be safe in their homes against unreasonable searches and sei5ures. * guess what happens is, if you get arrested in (own A H=hiladelphiaI and then (own B HSan $ranciscoI ## with a lot of publicity ## then when you get to (own . they have to arrest you or what ind of a shithouse town are they runningF *t"s a pattern of unintentional harassment. (own .@ .hicago. *n ,ecember 0129 * was wor ing at the Gate of Horn. ,uring one of my performances, * was arrested for obscenity. (he police report starts out with some incestuous data. Bi%ti!8s Na!e. Arresting &fficers. (erson 7eportin* 0ri!e to (oli%e. &fficer .a!anaugh. (erson =ho Dis%overed 0ri!e. Arresting &fficers. =itnesses8 Na!es. %eporting &fficers. Bi%ti!8s O%%$pation. =olice &fficers. .oincidentally, (L16#O6 was tape#recording some of my shows, and what follows is a study in contrast@ 8uotes from the police report on my arrest, as opposed to e7cerpts

from the transcript of what * actually said onstage that night. =&L*.) %)=&%(@ "'r. Bruce held up a colored photograph showing the na ed breast of a woman and said "God, your Jesus .hrist, made these tits." " (H) (A=)@ A .hicago newspaper columnist who is sort of, to the out#of#towners, is sort of a .hrist in .oncrete, and he"s got a thing going@ what"s decent, indecentE what is good, and good is God, is ,anny (homas, and so * said *"ll show you pictures of tramps, these are bums. . ." 'Holdin* $p a pa*e 4ro! a %alendar whi%h was 4or sale at several newsstands and stores on the arrestin* o44i%er8s beat.+ "Let"s see, here"s an indecent woman ## you"re iddingL *ndecentF How can that pretty lady be indecentF JhewL Ah, what ind of flower is thatF (hose are, they"re lilacs, yeah, they"re pretty. Lilies#of#the# !alley and lilacs are my fa!orite flowers, * really dig them. (hat is a shiksa" there"s a pin #nippled lady@ that"s one thing about the *oyi!" boy, they"!e got winner chic s. (he real bums you can spot. (hey usually ha!e babies in their bellies ## that"s the real tramps ## and no rings on their fingers. And they get their 6ust deserts by bleeding to death in the bac of ta7icabs. . . "/ou don"t lo!e me, you 6ust want to ball me" ## that"s the usual cry. How about doin* it" how do you feel about that, you people, is that about the dirtiest thing we could do to each otherF =riests don"t do it, nuns don"t do it, =atamon5a /oganunda doesn"t do it, rabbis are close to celibacy ## it"s really not !ery nice, is it, doin* it. . . F" '0o$ple walks o$t.I "(hey were !ery nice people, they could ha!e been !ery ugly about it, they could ha!e been. +o, they were cool, gentle ## they didn"t li e it and they split. Before all of you escape, let me e7plain something to you. /ou see, you defeat your purpose. *t"s God, your filthy Jesus .hrist, made these tits, that"s all. +ow you"!e got to ma e up your mind, you"!e got to stand up to Jesus, and you"!e got to say, "Loo , * admit that doin* it is filthy, * will stop doing it." And, belie!e me, if you"ll 6ust set the rules, * will obey them. But. . . stop li!ing the parado7. (ell me that it"s filthy, that fags are the best peopleE * will li!e up to the misogynist, * will be the woman#hater, * will be the nice guy that ta es your daughter out. "He"s a nice guy, he didn"t try to fool around with me, he was a nice faggot." " =&L*.) %)=&%(@ "(hey say we fuc our mothers for Hershey bars." (H) (A=)@ "* reali5e that my mother"s body is dirtyE * reali5e that *"m a second#rate powerE * reali5e that you ha!e sold out my country. ,o you now why they hate Americans anywhere, e!erywhereF * thin * did a little more tra!eling than anyone in this audience. * thin *"!e been in more in!asions than anyone in this audience. * made si7. * made some real daddies. * was on a cruiser called the G.2.2. #rooklyn. * was second#best gunner"s mate. * was mating it from 0139 to 013<, July ## that"s when Germany fell, in July. Doin* it is dirty. (hey hate Americans e!erywhere. /ou now whyF Because we fuc ed all of their mothers for chocolate bars, and don"t you forget that, Jim." =&L*.) %)=&%(@ "* want to fuc your mothers. &h, than you, than you, than you." (H) (A=)@ "/ou don"t thin those ids who ha!e heard it since 0139 ## "/ou now what those Americans did to your poor mother, they lined her up, those bastards, your poor father had to throw his guts up in the itchenE while he waited out there, that 'aster Sergeant s%ht$pped your mother for their stin ing coffee and their eggs and their frigging cigarettes, those AmericansL" (hat"s it, Jim, that"s all they"!e heard, those ids. (hose ids now, at 9:#9< years old@ "(he Americans, there"s the guy that did it to my motherL" Jould you assume that this is si5ably correct. . . F (here"s the fellow who fuc ed

my mother ## oh, than you, than you, than you. (han you for that, and for gi!ing us candy." " =&L*.) %)=&%(@ (hen tal ing about the Jar he stated, "*f we would ha!e lost the Jar, they would ha!e strung (ruman up by the balls. . ." (H) (A=)@ "=riests and rabbis wal with guys in death row. (here"s a clergyman, he"s willing to be the hangman in Australia. +o one else will do it. He couldn"t get a brown suit, though. *t"s ama5ing. =riest or rabbi@ "/es, my son, you must be bra!e." "Sure, s%h!$%k" you"re splitting, he"s sitting.". . . '<nto er!an a%%ent.+ "And people say Adolf )ichmann should ha!e been hung. Nein. ,o you recogni5e the whore in the middle of you ## that you would ha!e done the same if you were there yoursel!esF 'y defense@ * was a soldier. * saw the end of a conscientious day"s effort. * saw all of the wor that * did. * watched through the portholes. * saw e!ery Jew burned and turned into soap. ,o you people thin yoursel!es better because you burned your enemies at long distance with missiles without e!er seeing what you had done to themF Hiroshima a$4 =iedersehen.8 ' er!an a%%ent ends.+ *f we would ha!e lost the Jar, they would ha!e strung (ruman up by the balls, Jim. Are you idding with thatF +ot what id told id told id. (hey would 6ust s%hlep out all those Japanese mutants. "Here they didE there they are." And (ruman said they"d do it again." =&L*.) %)=&%(@ (hen referring to the good sisters of the .hurch, he stated, "(he sisters cannot li e to do it to sisters, fuc , good, good." (H) (A=)@ "All right, now ## "How to %ela7 the .olored =eople at =arties." (he party is in motion." '<n this bit < do a dialo* between a 0a$%asian and a Ne*ro" takin* both parts !ysel4/ the white !an is speakin*.+.
". . . )nyway' you know' I!d like to have you over to the house' you know thatE" "Thank you." "1e dark soon. Tell you what' I!d like to have you over to the house -- I tell you this' you know' because I know you people get offensive -- but I got a sister' you know what I meanE" "Ges." "2hat the hell is it with you guysE 2hat do you want to hump everybody!s sister forE" "2ell' that!s -- we!re born that way. Gou see' it!s natural -- that!s where the rhythm comes in' see' we have this natural sense of rhythm control' the :argaret ,anger clinic' and we never knock them up' that!s the thing about it." ")nd you really like to do it to everybody!s sisterE" "2ell' no' you missed the vernacular; it!s not everybody!s sister -- we like to do it to sisters. "2hat do you mean' sistersE" "@ust that -- sisters." "/h' you don!t mean sister sistersE" "Geah." ")h' that!s impossible -- I never knew that -- oh' that!s a lot of horseshit' you can!t do that to the sistersF +o kidding' do they put out' those sistersE" "2ell' I mean' if you!re built the way we are -- you know' we!re built abnormally large. Gou know that' don!t youE" "I heard you guys got a wang on' you son-of-a-gun." "Ges. To use the vernacular' it is sort of like a baby!s arm with an apple in its fist -- I think that!s what Tennessee 2illiams said." "2ell' you mind if I see itE" "+o' I couldn!t do that. I!m just playing guitar at this party." "2hat the hell' just whip it out there; let!s see that roll of tar paper you got there' Chonga. . ."

=&L*.) %)=&%(@ "Sure, who does itE nothing wrong. )!erybody"s barring somebody. * bug three married women. All you people out there ha!e at some time or another bugged someone"s wife." (H) (A=)@ "+ow * am not particularly proud of this, but in my life * ha!e been intimate with maybe three married ladies that are still happily married, and they con!inced me that they ne!er made it with anybody else but their husband and me. . . +ow if * did ## and, .hrist, *"m not that uni8ue ## * bet probably e!ery guy in this audience has made it with one married chic or two that"s still married. And both of us, we didn"t pull out. +o offense, mind you. So when * see brothers and sisters that don"t loo ali e, that"s it Jim. * wouldn"t swear for nobody. -h#uh. *t 6ust ta es that one. . ." =&L*.) %)=&%(@ (hen tal ing about God and Jesus .hrist, he led into a moc ery of the .atholic .hurch and other religious organi5ations by using the =ope"s name and .ardinal Spellman and Bishop Sheen"s name. . . (H) (A=) 'This bit is based on a visit to earth by 0hrist and 5oses.+. ".ome on down to the Jest .oast and !isit the s%h$ls. (here are no s%h$ls. /es, there is a reform temple where the rabbi ## no, it"s a doctor, he is a doctor of law. His beard is gone. . . "/ou now, someone had the %h$t9pah to as me the other day ## they said, "(ell me something, ,octor of Law, is there a God or notF" Jhat chee to as this in a templeL Je"re not here to tal of God ## we"re here to sell bonds for *srael. %emember that. A po7 upon you, .hrist and 'oses. . ." ".hrist and 'oses are confused. (hey go to +ew /or . . . Saint =atric "s .athedral. (here is Bishop Sheen, played by )d Begley. .ardinal Spellman, played by Hugh Herbert ## "Joooo, woooo, terrible, terrible, terrible." .hrist and 'oses standing in the bac of Saint =at"s. .onfused, .hrist is, at the grandeur of the interior, the baro8ue interior, the rococo baro8ue interior. His route too him through Spanish Harlem. He would wonder what fifty =uerto %icans were doing li!ing in one room. (hat stained glass window is worth nine grandL Hmmmmm. . . '2pell!an and 2heen de%ide to %all the (ope lon* distan%e.+ "Jill you get me %omeF Hello. Hey, woppo, what"s happeningF /ou were sic , weren"t you, fatsoF *f you"d stop pressin* so much. . ." +ow, dig ## we"re in .hicago ## fifty miles away from here * got punched in the face for doing that. 'ilwau ee. . ." =&L*.) %)=&%(@ "He used a Jewish word, "smuc ", numerous times." * had already been arrested on the Jest .oast for saying s%h!$%k ## by a /iddish underco!er agent who had been placed in the club se!eral nights running to determine if my use of /iddish terms was a co!er for profanity. (he officer said it was. * as ed the 6udge if * could bring my Aunt 'ema to court to cross#e7amine him. *t"s interesting, though, that the .hicago police report did not ma e any mention of the following e7cerpt from my performance that night@
There!s an article here in Chica!o&s American about these transvestites that are posing as policemen' and how they!re thwarting the rapists. . . )ccording to ,ergeant .olan' one of the original members of the gang' the rough and ready policemen go to great lengths to appear as fascinating females -- only' you!ve got to really go through all of it' rightE "2ell' I!ll put it between my legs once and that!s all; I!ll try it and -- now frig that method acting." "'eadin!.% "The most ha<ardous part of the preparation for duty' said .olan' is learning how to walk on high-heeled shoes. )ttackers have a sharp eye' .olan said' and will shy away from an amateur' wobbly ankle. . ." +ow dig' the beautiful part about this is that they don!t know that some of these rapists are that dedicated -- they find out they!re cops' they don!t care' they!ll schtup anyway' man. "I!m a

peace officer." "I don!t care' you got a cute ass' that!s all I know." )nd that!s it. 2ould you assume that there is the slightest bit of entrapment involved in this thingE That!s not very nice' to incite. . .

* was released on bail and continued wor ing at the Gate of Horn. 'eanwhile a police official, who had originally ordered the arrest, came into the Gate of Horn and with two waitresses witnessing, he conducted the following con!ersation with the manager@ =&L*.) &$$*.*AL@ * want to tell you that if this man e!er uses a four#letter word in this club again, *"m going to pinch you and e!eryone in here. *f he e!er spea s against religion, *"m going to pinch you and e!eryone in here. ,o you understandF 'A+AG)%@ * don"t ha!e anything against any religion. =&L*.) &$$*.*AL@ 'aybe *"m not tal ing to the right person. Are you the man who hired Lenny BruceF 'A+AG)%@ /es, * am. *"m Alan %ibbac . =&L*.) &$$*.*AL@ Jell, * don"t now why you e!er hired him. /ou"!e had good people here. But he moc s the =ope ## and *"m spea ing as a .atholic ## *"m here to tell you your license is in danger. Je"re going to ha!e someone here watching e!ery show. ,o you understandF 'A+AG)%@ /es. (rue, * had been ta ing ad!antage of something we used to be famous for. *t"s nown as the right to worship as you please ## and critici5e as you please. .hicago Hpopulation, :,<<4,343I has the largest membership in the %oman .atholic .hurch ## 9,02:,:>4 ## of any archdiocese in the country. )!en so, that the panel of <4 persons from which the 6ury for my trial was to be selected should include 3B .atholics, was an interesting coincidence. 'oreo!er, their names were not drawn out of a drum, as is the customary procedure, but rather, 6urors were chosen according to where they were seated. And they ept %han*in* seats. (he e!entual 6ury consisted entirely of .atholics. (he 6udge was .atholic. (he prosecutor and his assistant were .atholic. &n Ash Jednesday, the 6udge remo!ed the spot of ash from his forehead and told the bailiff to instruct the others to go and do li ewise. * could ne!er con6ure up a more bi5arre satire than the reality of a 6udge, two prosecutors and twel!e 6urors, each with a spot of ash on his forehead. Jhen the late Brendan Behan heard about this, he said@ "(hat scares !e ## and *"m .atholicL" At the !ery beginning of the trial, Judge ,aniel J. %yan ordered all children to be escorted from the courtroom. And, on the fourth day, thirty girls from Holy %osary, a .atholic college, dropped in on a tour of the court, and Judge %yan as ed the! to lea!e because of the nature of the testimony. (his was the sort of thing that really did me in with the 6ury. +ot to mention the Si7th Amendment of the .onstitution, which pro!ides for a public trial. &f course, only gangsters and .ommunists ma e reference to that document. (he Assistant State"s Attorney, in his opening statement to the 6ury, declared@ "(ruthfully, * am not permitted to say what * feel CbutD * am sure that you ha!e noticed the perspiration on my nose and my upper lip." (hus was the tone of the trial set. *n San $rancisco, where * was ac8uitted on the same charge, the arresting officers

admitted that my material didn"t arouse their prurient interest. *n .hicago, Judge %yan refused to permit that line of cross#e7amination by the defense. An officer testified that * had said@ ".ardinal Spellman, $ulton Sheen, and the =ope, they must do it to the sisters." And that * held up the 0hi%a*o8s 1!eri%an" and said@ "(hese are police officers dressed up in women"s clothes. /ou ha!e to be a fag to be a police officer." And that * said, "(he sisters li e to do it to sisters. -mm, umm, fuc , good, good." *n his summation, the =rosecutor stated@ ",uring the course of his performance the defendant. . . made !arious references to different acts which all people, * assume ## * now ## consider sacred, a sacred part of marriage. . . He also made reference to a photograph. . . as you recall, of a woman, a nude woman"s body. . . He pointed to a portion of this picture, which is part of a woman which is beautiful, useful, but not something that *, 'r. Bruce, or anyone else should comment on in a manner in which he did. . . 'r. Bruce, at another time, made certain statements in which he ga!e a story about Germany, * belie!e soldiers in Germany. ,uring this story, certain terms ## he used a particular term in a particular way. * don"t thin * ha!e to tell you the term, * thin that you recall it. Basically it was a term that was aptly put. . . as a word that started with an "$" and ended with a "K" and sounded li e "truc ." Basically you heard the word, you now it, and heard the way it was used." At one point the trial had been ad6ourned, and with the 6udge"s nowledge * left for a boo ing in Los Angeles. 'y intention was to return to .hicago for the rest of the trial, but not long after * landed in Los Angeles H(own ,I, * was arrested on a narcotics charge. *t was my fifth arrest in that city alone. (he international grand total of arrests is nineteen. At this writing. H*ncidentally, shortly after *"d left .hicago, the Gate of Horn lost its li8uor license and the owner had to sell out.I Jhile out on bail in Los Angeles, * recei!ed the following communication from .eles Bail Bond, the local company which was standing my surety@
,ir It has come to our attention through news media that you are to be in court in Chicago today. :ay I suggest to you that you are not to violate the conditions of your bail. Gou are not to leave the jurisdiction of *os )ngeles County' considering all the other court appearances that you are to make here in *os )ngeles.

So, if * left .alifornia, * would be arrested for 6umping bond. * remained there. And in .hicago * was found guilty of obscenity ## in absentia ## and sentenced to the ma7imum penalty of one year in the county 6ail and a fine of P0444. (he case, on appeal, bypassed the appellate court and went directly to the *llinois State Supreme .ourt. &n June 0>, 0123 ## the same day they declared Henry 'iller"s Tropi% o4 0an%er obscene ## my !erdict of guilty was unanimously upheld. &rdinarily, my ne7t court of appeal would ha!e been the -nited States Supreme .ourt, but a case was already in their hands that would ha!e an effect on the outcome of my hearing, >a%obellis v. 2tate o4 Ohio" in!ol!ing a mo!ie, The Lovers. &n June 99, 0123, the -.S. Supreme .ourt ruled that the film was not obscene on the grounds it was of social importance. Because of their ruling, the *llinois Supreme .ourt dropped its affirmation of my guilt and ordered a reargument which was held July B, 0123, and

concluded@
"/ur original opinion recogni<ed defendant!s right to satiri<e society!s attitudes on contemporary social problems and to e"press his ideas' however bi<arre' as long as the method used in doing so was not so objectionable as to render the entire performance obscene. )ffirmance of the conviction was predicated upon the rule originally laid down in American Civil Li$erties (nion v. City of Chica!o. . . that the obscene portions of the material must be balanced against its affirmative values to determine which predominates. 2e rejected defendant!s argument that 'oth v. (nited States. . . struck down this balancing test and held that material' no matter how objectionable the method of its presentation' was constitutionally privileged unless it was utterly without redeeming social importance. It is apparent from the opinions of a majority of the court in )aco$ellis that the !balancing test! rule of American Civil Li$erties (nion is no longer a constitutionally acceptable method of determining whether material is obscene' and it is there made clear that material having any social importance is constitutionally protected. "2hile we would not have thought that constitutional guarantees necessitate the subjection of society to the gradual deterioration of its moral fabric which this type of presentation promotes' we must concede that some of the topics commented on by defendant are of social importance. 0nder )aco$ellis the entire performance is thereby immuni<ed' and we are constrained to hold that the judgment of the circuit court of Cook County must be reversed and defendant discharged. )ud!ment reversed.

(hey"re really saying that they"re only sorry the crummy .onstitution won"t permit them to con!ict me, but if they had their choice. . .

Chapter Twenty&Three
(he most impressi!e letter *"!e e!er recei!ed came from the !icar of St .lement"s .hurch in +ew /or @
.ear :r. 1ruce I came to see you the other night because I had read about you and was curious to see if you were really as penetrating a critic of our common hypocrisies as I had heard. I found that you are an honest man' and I wrote you a note to say so. It is never popular to be so scathingly honest' whether it is from a night-club stage or from a pulpit' and I was not surprised to hear you were having some "trouble." This letter is written to e"press my personal concern and to say what I saw and heard on Thursday night. (irst' I emphatically do not believe your act is obscene in intent. The method you use has a lot in common with most serious critics Cthe prophet or the artist' not the professorD of society. %ages of @onathan ,wift and :artin *uther are ?uite unprintable even now because they were forced to shatter the easy' lying language of the day into the basic' earthy' vulgar idiom of ordinary people in order to show up the emptiness and insanity of their time. CIt has been said' humorously but with some truth' that a great deal of the 1ible is not fit to read in church for the same reason.D Clearly your intent is not to e"cite se"ual feelings or to demean but to shock us awake to the realities of racial hatred and invested absurdities about se" and birth and death. . . to move toward sanity and compassion. It is clear that you are intensely angry at our hypocrisies Cyours as well as mineD and at the highly subsidi<ed mealymouthism that passes as wisdom. 1ut so should be any self-respecting man. Gour comments are aimed at adults and reveal to me a man who cares deeply about dishonesty and injustice and all the accepted psychoses of our time. They are aimed at adults and adults don!t need' or shouldn!t have' anyone to protect them from hearing

truth in whatever form it appears no matter how noble the motive for suppression. . . :ay 8od bless you' The &ev. ,idney *anier

%e!erend Lanier says that my comments "are aimed at adults." &ften * am billed at night clubs with a sign saying $&% A,-L(S &+L/. * am !ery interested in the moti!ation for such billing. * must assume that "for adults only" means that my point of !iew, or perhaps the semantics in!ol!ed with my point of !iew, would be a deterrent to the de!elopment of a well#ad6usted member of the community. (he argument is that a child will ape the actions of an actor. Jhat he sees now in his formati!e years, he may do as an adult, so we must be !ery careful what we let the child see. So, then, * would rather my child see a stag film than The Ten 0o!!and!ents or Hin* o4 Hin*s## because * don"t want my ids to ill .hrist when he comes bac . (hat"s what they see in those films ## that !iolence. Jell, let me 6ust ta e your ids to a dirty mo!ie@ "All right, ids, sit down now, this picture"s gonna start. *t"s not li e (sy%ho" with a lot of four#letter words, li e " ill" and "maim" and "hurt" ## but you"re gonna see this film now and what you see will probably impress you for the rest of your li!es, so we ha!e to be !ery careful what we show you. . . &h, it"s a duty mo!ie. A couple is coming in now. * don"t now if it"s gonna be as good as (sy%ho where we ha!e the stabbing in the shower and the blood down the drain. . . &h, the guy"s pic ing up the pillow. +ow, he"ll probably smother her with it, and that"ll be a good opening. Ah, the degenerate, he"s putting it under her ass. Jesus, ts ts , * hate to show this crap to you ids. All right, now he"s lifting up his hand, and he"ll probably stri e her. +o, he"s caressing her, and issing her ## ah, this is disgustingL All right, he"s issing her some more, and she"s saying something. She"ll probably scream at him, "Get out of hereL" +o, she"s saying, "* lo!e you, *"m coming." Kids, *"m sorry * showed you anything li e this. God nows this will be on my conscience the rest of my life ## there"s a chance that you may do this when yo$ grow up. Jell, 6ust try to forget what you"!e seen. Just remember, what this couple did belongs written on the walls of a men"s room. And, in fact, if you e!er want to do it, do it in the men"s room." * ne!er did see one stag film where anybody got illed in the end. &r e!en slapped in the mouth. &r where it had any .ommunist propaganda. But doing it is pretty ran . * understand intellectually that a woman who sleeps with a different guy e!ery night is more of a .hristian than a nun, because she has that capacity for lo!e ## but emotionally *"m only the :2<th guy. . . because * learned my lesson early, and you can"t unlearn it. * now intellectually there"s nothing wrong with going to the toilet, but * can"t go to the toilet in front of you. (he worst sound in the world is when the toilet#flush noise finishes before * do. *f *"m at your house, * can ne!er say to you, ")7cuse me, where"s the toiletF" * ha!e to get hung up with that corrupt faMade of ")7cuse me, where"s the little boys" roomF" "&h, you mean the tin le#din le ha#ha room, where they ha!e sachets and cough drops and pastelsF" "(hat"s right, * wanna shit in the cough#drop bo7."

&ne of the things * got arrested for in .hicago was showing a picture of a girl that was really pretty. * wanted to point out the God#made#the#body parado7 of the decent people who would ob6ect to that groo!y#loo ing chic . .hrist, * could ne!er sit on a 6ury and put anybody away for lookin*. *f *"m dressing and there"s that chic across the way ## that blue#eyed, pin #nippled, sweet high# ass from & lahoma ## * am going to loo , and * am going to call my 4riends to loo . But, in our society, it"s "=ull down the shade" ## and charge two buc s to get in. (hat"s what repression does. *"d really li e to fight the .hicago obscenity rap on a whole different issue. (he obscenity law, when e!erything else boils away, is@ ,oes it appeal to the prurient interestF * must get you horny ## that"s what it means. *f * do a dis*$stin* show ## a show about eating por ## that"s not obscene. Although you Jews and !egetarians and 'oslems will bitch your asses off, that"s my right as an American, to tal about por , to e7tol its !irtues, to run in front of a synagogue, yelling@ "Here"s por L Loo at it, rabbiL" "Get him out of here, he should be arrested ## that"s disgustingL" *t doesn"t matter. Again, that"s why the =ilgrims left )ngland, man. *f a guy wants to wail with por , that"s his s%hti%k. &r, if * do a !ulgar show ## if * sing roc and roll tunes, wear platform shoes, Kitty Kellys with an le straps ## it"s not obscene. +o, obscenity has only one meaning@ to appeal to the prurient interest. Jell, * want to now what"s wron* with appealing to prurient interest. * really want the Supreme .ourt to stand up and tell me that fuc ing is dirty and no good. (he lowest of the low ## from both the policeman"s and the felon"s point of !iew ## is the child molester. But his most heinous crime is simply that he is bereft of the proper dialog, for if he spa e his lines thusly, he would ne!er be busted@ "."mere, %uthie, c"mere to your -ncle Jillie. . . loo at those little apples on you, lemme lift you up, she"s gonna ha!e to get a bra#9eer soon. . . let your -ncle Jillie tic le# ic le#ic le you, rump#bump#bump on the floor. . . she"s getting some hair on her booger, tic le#ic le#ic le, watch her wriggle#wiggle#giggle in -ncle Jillie"s ruddy palm. . . don"t tell 'ommy or you"ll brea the magic charm." And -ncle Jillie"s 'ason signet ring snags little %uthie"s nylon under#things. . . children don"t wear panties. (own )@ +ew /or , *"d been playing +ew /or , concerts and night#club engagements, for eight years, but in 0123 * got busted for obscenity at the .afO Au Go Go. * continued performing and got busted there again that same wee . (hen * got pleurisy. 'y lung was filled with fluid. * couldn"t breathe. * went to a doctor, but he wouldn"t see me because he didn"t want "to get in!ol!ed." * finally did get a doctor ## who, coincidentally, was a fan ## and * ended up in a hospital, on the recei!ing end of a fi!e#hour operation. Jhen Newsweek called up a friend of mine to find out how * was, he told them the surgeon cut all that 4ilth out of my system, too. (he trial in +ew /or was postponed while * recuperated in Los Angeles. Jhen * returned to +ew /or , it turned out that the police didn"t ha!e complete tapes of the shows * was arrested for, so they actually had a guy in court i!itatin* !y a%t

## a License ,epartment *nspector who was formerly a .*A agent in Gietnam ## and in his courtroom impersonation of me, he was saying things that * had ne!er said in my li4e" on stage or off. Jitnesses for the prosecution included New 6ork Daily News columnist %obert Syl!ester, 'arya 'annes from The 7eporter" John $ischer, editor of Harper8s maga5ine, and a minister. Jitnesses for the defense included Jules $eiffer, +at Hentoff, ,orothy Kilgallen, and two ministers. "Sitting in on Lenny Bruce"s current +ew /or "obscenity" trial," Stephanie Ger!is Harrington wrote in the Billa*e Boi%e" "one gets the feeling of being present at an historical e!ent ## the birth of the courtroom of the absurd. &f course, if you sit through it long enough, you gradually ad6ust to the fact that eight grown men are actually spending wee s of their time and an unrec oned amount of the ta7payers" money in deliberation ## passionate deliberation on the prosecutor"s good days ## o!er whether another grown man should be able to use four#letter words in public without going to 6ail." (he ludicrousness of it all was inad!ertently summed up by my attorney, )phraim London, when he as ed a witness who had been at my performance at the .afO Au Go Go@ ",id you see 'r. .rotch touch his BruceF" &n reporting the incident, The 7ealist predicted, "Henceforth and fore!er#more, we shall ha!e had at that precise moment a meaningful new synonym added to our language." And the maga5ine"s editorial proceeded to demonstrate its use@ "'ommy, loo , there"s a man sitting o!er there with his bruce hanging out." "Be!erly Schmidlap is a real bruceteaser, y" nowF" "Kiss my bruce, baby." And a cartoon by )d $isher had a 6udge saying, "Before * pass sentence on you, Lenny Bruce, is there anything you wish to say ## anything printable, that isF" 'eanwhile, bac in real life, a three#6udge .riminal .ourt, in a 9#0 split !ote, sentenced me to three four#month terms in the wor house, to be ser!ed concurrently. But the State Supreme .ourt has granted me a certificate of reasonable doubt and ## at this writing ## the case is on appeal. Jhat does it mean for a man to be found obscene in +ew /or F (his is the most sophisticated city in the country. (his is where they play Genet"s The #al%ony. *f anyone is the first person to be found obscene in +ew /or , he must feel utterly depra!ed. * was so sure * could reach those 6udges if they"d 6ust let me tell them what * try to do. *t was li e * was on trial for rape and there * was crying, "But, Judge, * can"t rape anybody, * ha!en"t got the wherewithal," but nobody was listening, and my lawyers were saying, ",on"t worry, Lenny, you got a right to rape anyone you please, we"ll beat "em in the appellate court." (he New 6ork Law >o$rnal pleaded guilty to not publishing the lower court"s statement, with an e7planation@ "(he ma6ority opinion, of necessity, cited in detail the language used by Bruce in his night#club act, and also described gestures and routines which the ma6ority found to be obscene and indecent. (he Law >o$rnal decided against publication, e!en edited, on the grounds that deletions would destroy the opinion, and without the deletions publication was impossible within the Law >o$rnal standards." Among the e7amples of my "obscene references" that the court had 8uoted in its opinion, the !ery first was this@ ")leanor %oose!elt and her display of "tits." "

+ow, in the course of my research * obtained the legislati!e history from Albany of the statute under which * had been arrested, and * disco!ered bac in 01:0 there was added to that statute an amendment which e3%l$des 4ro! arrest stagehands, spectators, musicians and a%tors. (he amendment was finally signed into law by Go!ernor %oose!elt. (he court refused to be influenced by this information. Jell, * belie!e that ignoring the mandate of $ran lin ,. %oose!elt is a great deal more offensi!e than saying that )leanor had lo!ely nay#nays. June 0123 ## graduation time ## honorary degrees were being handed out all o!er the place. (he (G show, That =as The =eek That =as" bestowed on me ## or rather upon a photograph of me with a graduation cap superimposed on my head ## an honorary ,octor of Letters@ "(o the man who won fame using them four at a time." *"m really so fed up with the "dirty word" thing. =eople thin , .hrist, *"m obsessed with that. But * 6ust have to defend myself because you don"t now how much *"m attac ed on it. )!ery new time * go on the road, the papers are filled with it. +ow *"ll say "a Jew" and 6ust the word >ew sounds li e a dirty word, and people don"t now whether to laugh or not. (hey"ll seem so bra5en. So there"s 6ust silence until they now *"m idding, and then they"ll brea through. A Jew. *n the dictionary, a Jew is one who is descended from the ancient tribe of Judea, but ## *"ll say to an audience ## you and * now what a Jew is@ one who illed our Lord. +ow there"s dead silence there after that. Jhen * did this in )ngland, * said, "* don"t now if you now that o!er here, but it got a lot of press in the States." +ow the laughs start to brea through. "Je did it about two thousand years ago, and there should be a statute of limitations with that crime." +ow they now ## the laughter"s all there ## but *"m not idding, because there sho$ld be a statute of limitations for that crime, and those who pose as .hristians ## paraphrasing Sha espeare ## neither ha!ing the gait of .hristians nor the actions of .hristians ## still ma e the Jews pay their dues. * go from a pedantry HSha espeareI to the hip argot Hpay their duesI for another deuce. (hen * as , why should Jews pay these duesF Granted that we illed him and he was a nice guyE although there was e!en some tal that we didn"t ill .hrist, we illed Gesmas, the one on the left. H(here were, you recall, three who got done in that day.I But * confess that we illed him, despite those who said that %oman soldiers did it. /es, we did it. * did it. 'y family. * found a note in my basement@ "Je illed him ## signed, 'orty." "Jhy did you ill .hrist, JewF" "Je illed him because he didn"t want to become a doctor, that"s why." +ow sometimes *"ll get sort of philosophical with it and maybe a little maudlin@ "Je illed him at his own re8uest, because he was sad ## he new that people would use him." &r sometimes * will tag it with, "+ot only did we ill him, but we"re gonna ill him again when he comes bac ." * suppose that if < were .hristli e, * would turn the other chee and eep letting

you punch me out and e!en ill me, because what the hell, *"m God"s son, and it"s not so bad dying when you now that you"!e got a pass to come bac indefinitely. All right, so you ha!e to ta e a little crap when you come home and you ha!e to "get it" from your $ather. . . "&h, you started again, you can"t get along. Jho was it this timeF (he Jews, ehF Jhy can"t you stop preachingF Loo , this is the last time *"m telling you, the ne7t time you get illed, you"re stayin* there. *"!e had enough aggra!ation with your mother." &f all the comedians * ha!e e!er met, Ste!e Allen is not only the most literate, but also the most moral. He not only tal s about society"s problems, but he does things about them. He"s a good person, without being all sugar and showbi5, and * really dig him for that. * was on the 2teve 1llen 2how twice. +ow, if * wor for an hour in a night club, out of that hour * will ad#lib perhaps four minutesE sometimes, if *"m really fertile, ten minutes. But for me e!er to ha!e to come out and open with the same word and finish with the same word and do the same bits in the same order in each show, then * wouldn"t feel li e a comic at all. But you ha!e to do this for tele!ision. And it bugs me. (hey sat me down there, and *"m doing the bit for 0< guys. And * got into material that they wouldn"t let me do on the 1llen 2how. * ha!e a tattoo on my arm, and because of this tattoo, * can ne!er be buried in a Jewish cemetery. (hat"s the &rthodo7 law. /ou ha!e to go out of the world the same way you came in ## no mar s, no changes. Anyway, * told how, when * got bac from 'alta and went home to Long *sland, * was in the itchen, washing with soap, and my Aunt 'ema saw the tattoo. So she flips. A real Jewish yell. "Loo what you didL /ou ruined your armL /ou"re no better than a gypsyL" So the producer says that * can"t do this on the show because it would definitely be offensi!e to the Jewish people. "/ou"re out of your n$t," * responded. +o, he said, e!ery time we get into a satire of any ethnic group, we get a lot of mail. /ou can"t tal about that. * argued with them. * said if they wouldn"t let me do that, * wouldn"t do the show. +ow, *"ll ne!er use four#letter words for shoc !alue ## it has to fit and swing with the character whom * want to say it ## but * now * can"t use four#letter words on tele!ision in any case. But here, * wasn"t ma ing any such references, * was 6ust doing a true bit. (hey had a meeting about it. (hey argued for about an hour while * was ept waiting in a corner, li e a leper with a bell on my nec . "Je tal ed it o!er, Lenny. /ou now, it"s not only offensi!e to the Jewish people, but it"s definitely offensi!e to the Gentile people too." "&h, yeah ## how do you figure thatF" "Jell, what you"re saying in essence is that the Gentiles don"t %are what they bury." (he funny thing is, friends of mine are always showing me anti#Semitic articles. "Loo at what this bigoted bastard wroteL" And then * dug something. Liberals will buy anything a bigot writes. *n fact, they really s$pport hatemongers. George Lincoln %oc well, head of the American +a5i =arty, is probably a !ery nowledgeable businessman with no political con!ictions whatsoe!er. He gets three

buc s a head and wor s the mass rallies consisting of nothing but angry Jews, sha ing their fists and wondering why there are so many Jews there. And %oc well probably has only two real followers ## and they"re deaf. (hey thin the swasti a is merely an A5tec symbol.

Chapter Twenty&four
*t was Ti!e maga5ine that originally labeled me "the sic est of them all." (he reason@ *n connection with the Leopold#Loeb case, * had said@ "Bobby $ran s was snotty." &f course, if +athan Leopold had any sense of humor, the day he got out he would ha!e grabbed another idL Jhen * hear someone say, "* lo!e the human race," * get a little wary. But when the Associated =ress inter!iewed me on ## of all things ## sic comedy, the dialog went something li e this@ *+()%G*)J)%@ * now you must really hate someone or something to ha!e your point of !iew on humor. L)++/@ Actually, when you hate someone or something, it ma es you a little uncomfortable to see it or hear it. *+()%G*)J)%@ Boy, Lenny, you hate so many things you can"t e!en ma e a choice, can youF L)++/@ * hate to sha!e. . . * hate to be alone. . . * hate li!er. *+()%G*)J)%@ .ome on, stop idding, that"ll ne!er do. Jhat are you, a saintF Gi!e me some guy you really hate. L)++/@ &h, a *$y. . . George Bernard ShawL *+()%G*)J)%@ George Bernard ShawF Jhat the hell ha!e you got a*ainst himF +ow, the truth is, * had ne!er e!en read anything by Shaw. 'y reading matter ran the gamut from a technical boo on intercontinental ballistic missiles to Jean#=aul Sartre"s study of anti#Semitism, but all * new about Shaw was that he wrote (y*!alion. And what he loo ed li e. And that he was dead and unable to defend himself. *"m not pro$d that * was completely ignorant of George Bernard Shaw. *t"s 6ust a fact. * blurted the name out of the blue. +ow the A= inter!iewer wanted to now what * had against him. L)++/@ Jhat ha!e * got against 2haw: ,idn"t you e!er hear about the Jhorten *ncidentF *+()%G*)J)%@ Jell, uh, yeah, but what the hell, you can"t e7pect. . . George Bernard Shaw, that"s wild. . . * mean it"s &K but ## you"re too much. . . another 8uestion * want to as ##" * had him by the balls. (here wasn"t any "Jhorten *ncident." * was impro!ising as * went along, and * 6ust threw that in. * figured he was too insecure to admit that there was a sub6ect he wasn"t hip to. * sensed * had him up against the pseudo#intellectual rope. L)++/@ Jell, do you feel Shaw was ri*ht in the Jhorten *ncidentF *+()%G*)J)%@ Lenny, you now better than anyone that you ## well, * ha!e to

see something before * belie!e it. L)++/@ See itF Jesus, it was in all the papers. His heirs had proo4. *+()%G*)J)%@ /eah, Lenny, but you now yourself that people are only interested in what they can get out of a person. L)++/@ Jell, getting all you can and sleeping with a guy"s wife, is two different things. And you wouldn"t belie!e it, but you tal to the ma6ority of people ## and * mean people that are supposed to be bright, erudite, literary#oriented people ## and you mention the Jhorten *ncident, and they loo at you as if you"!e been smo ing the weed or gi!ing away the secrets of the %osicrucians. *+()%G*)J)%@ Lenny, when are you going to learn that e!eryone else isn"t as honest as youF L)++/@ Jhat the hell has honesty got to do with a guy getting another guy"s wife started on dope and hanging around LesbiansF Jhat was that Lesbian"s name, anywayF. . . (hey had her picture plastered all o!er at the time. . . *s that something, * forgot her name. . . * thin it was Helen. /eah, that"s it, Helen. * almost forgot her name. *+()%G*)J)%@ /eah, that was it, Helen. Boy, people are characters. /ou"!e got a great memory, Lenny. (he reporter left, saying that the story would probably brea the ne7t wee . (he ne7t wee , * searched and searched, and there was no A= story. And then * finally found it, in John J. 'iller"s column in the National En;$irer. (here it was, right between $idel .astro doing one of his unnatural acts and )l!is =resley stic ing a FraIlein8s bosom in his paratrooper boots.
T#- %I8 T#)T 2&/T- %G8:)*I/+ *enny 1ruce is a comedian who is currently appearing at the hungry i in ,an (rancisco. The owner' -nrico 1anducci' gave *enny the go-ahead to e"pose the infamous "2horten Incident" thrill-slaying' dope and abortion-ring case involving 8eorge 1ernard ,haw. . .

(he news media ha!e done me in ## from Jalter Jinchell"s lies H"Lenny Bruce was being hec led and he handed the mi e to a patron, wal ed o!er and slugged the hec ler, who was a +ew /or 6udge. . ."I to the (G newscaster"s lies H"Lenny Bruce, the sic comedian, was really sic today. Bruce, who"s had more than his share of brushes with the law, charted a new course with a narcotics arrest He has admitted to using heroin since he was eighteen years old. Bruce, shown here with his attorney, stops and mugs for the cameraman and promises to stir a little commotion at tomorrow"s hearing. . . "I dignified by his balding crown resting in shadowed bas#relief Himalayas. * could ne!er e7pect to get a 6ury that didn"t read the papers and watch tele!ision, and to ma e sure they were pre6udiced and that (he =eople had their side of the story in first, they saw to it that * glommed the first handicap@ the stigma of being arrested. (hat in itself puts one in an unsa!ory light. "Bruce Arrested for ,ope." Jho ga!e them the item that was on the street e!en before * was out on bailF Loo at the bottom of my arrest report ## all of them ## and you"ll find@ "LA=, HLos Angeles =olice ,epartmentI =ress %oom was notified and .ity +ewsroom was called." A press notice on an arrest report. But don"t get me wrong, brother, * lo!e Hollywood. *n Gan +uys court the photographers were ta ing pictures and * really got tired of

them. * as ed them to stop. (hey continued. * put my coat up o!er my ears. (heir cameras still clic ed away. * wal ed behind the state flag, but a guy 6er ed it away. * wal ed out of the court. (hey followed me. Jhen * wal ed, they wal ed. Jhen * ran, they ran. See Lenny run. See the photographers run. See Lenny stop. See the photographers stop. See Lenny wa!e his arm. All fall down. * had stopped short, only to be charged with assaulting a photographer. (he newspaper is the most dramatic medium of the written word, whether it"s ,r. Al!are5 with his arthritic pen pals or =rudence =enny"s 09 ways to ma e lefto!ers attracti!e. *t is because of newspapers ## their disregard for the truth when it comes to reporting ## that my reputation has been hurt. Jalter Jinchell wrote@ "(he comic, Lenny Bruce, was booed offstage in )ngland." All right, now that"s another lie, * was ne!er booed offstage, and the owner sent me a letter to the contrary. (he truth is, * was recei!ed with great aplomb in )ngland. Kenneth (ynan, Britain"s leading drama critic, wrote about me@ "Je are dealing with an impromptu prose poet, who trusts his audience so completely that he tal s in public no less outrageously than he would tal in pri!ate. . . Hate him or not, he is uni8ue, and must be seen." (he best write#up * e!er got in my whole life was by George 'iller in the New 2tates!an. *"m not concerned with whether he was pro# or anti#Lenny Bruce ## * don"t care about that ## but his beautiful style. . . he described me as "lemurli e." * now all about British people from the mo!ies. )ngland is a country in *ndia. (he men ha!e two 6obs ## they"re either in the %.A.$. or they"re accountants. (hey re6ect *B' machines and do e!erything in scroll. (hey wear scarfs and caps all the time and they ha!e bad teeth. (hey go!erned e!erybody to death. (he Rueen has two outfits. She has the riding outfit and a long satin thing with a tiara. (he Jindsors are about 944 years old by now. But the ids ne!er grow upE the ids ha!e been ids fore!er and e!er. And there"s not many farms in )ngland. (hose who li!e in farm areas are lewd, lasci!ious people that are always strangling children and saying, "(here"s a little bit of Hyde in all of us." * had a lot of fun in )ngland ## although * didn"t get laid once. * had heard that, gee, in )ngland you really get a lot of girls, but * was there a month and * ne!er got laid. (he one time * almost scored was in this hotel. (he chic came up to my room after she fell for what * call my innocuous come#on@ "Hey, * gotta go upstairs for a minute, why don"t you come up, *"!e gotta ##" And the rest is said on the car#door slam, and mumbled into the carpeting on the stairs. "Jhat"d you sayF" is answered by, "Je"ll 6ust be a minute," lea!ing the door open, eeping your topcoat on, and dashing for a bureau drawer as if to get something, throwing open the closet and grabbing a briefcase, rumbling through it while muttering, "Siddown, *"ll be 6ust a second." All this is done !ery rapidly, with a feeling of urgency. ".hrist, where the hell did * put thatF 'a e yourself a drin . Jhat time is itF Je gotta get the hell outta here. +ow where the hell did * put that damn ## remind me to get a new maid. Hey, are you warmF .hrist, it"s hot in here. . ." Jell, * didn"t e!en get to the second paragraph, when a noc came at the door, synchroni5ed with the ey turning in the loc .

"'r. Bruce, *"m afraid we don"t ha!e any of that here." HJhat a temptation to finish the 6o e@ "And *"m not, either."I (o my ama5ement, the manager smir ed nowingly as the girl loo ed up apprehensi!ely, and * sat down gingerly as his thin lip curled snarlingly. "&ut, the both of you ## outL" As anyone who has been to )ngland. (hey do not allow persons who come into hotels to bring members of the opposite se7 with them, because they now what it"s liable to lead to. *t"s a wonder the !aids e!er get into the rooms. (hat"s a thought, though. 'aybe it"s the maids who instituted that action. God, what if all the maids in )ngland were whoresF * thin that the =rofumo scandal was a beautiful commentary on the British image of an ase7ual people, puritanically moral. (he reason most men could indict those people, when they themsel!es were probably guilty of the same crime which is not a crime, is that most men won"t admit that they ha!e e!er been with whores. +ot for the morality of itE the reason they don"t cop out is because of the e*o aspect. "Jhat ind of guy has to pay for pussy, manF * get it for nothing ## the girls gi!e !e moneyL" *t was right before the =rofumo scandal that they wouldn"t permit me e!en to enter )ngland again for what was to ha!e been my second engagement at (he )stablishment. * actually flew to London and was re6ected without anyone thin ing any more about it than if * were to fly from Los Angeles to San $rancisco. (hey ept me o!ernight in the same cell they had used for ,r. Soblen ## the international#espionage agent who committed suicide. (hen * got bac to *dlewild ## and for the first time in my life, after coming in and out of this country maybe 94 times ## my luggage was thoroughly searched. * was ta en into a pri!ate room where * was stripped and internally searched ## and, goddamn, that is humiliating. *t sure bugs you to stand na ed in front of fi!e guys with suits and shoelaces and pens in their poc ets. Jhat if you got a hard#onF "All right, ta e your shoes off now and ## what the hell"s the matter with youF" "* beg your pardonF" "Jhy don"t you put that awayF" "*n my shoes, sirF" "* mean ma e it go down. A damn weirdo ## getting a hard#on at .ustoms. All right, put your clothes on." "*"d li e to, sir, but * don"t now if you noticed my pants ## they"re rather tight. *"ll ha!e to wait till this goes away." ".ome on, now, cut the silliness and get your pants on and get the hell out of here." "*"ll try, sir, but. . . it"s ne!er done this before. * guess it"s ner!es." "Jell, try to pee." "Jhere, sirF" "&ut there in the hall in the men"s room." "But * can"t get my whatchamacallit, my oh#my, into my pants. ,o you now anyone who could ma e it go awayF &r could you gentlemen go out while < ma e it go

away, up and down. . . &h, here, * now what *"ll do, *"ll put it in the wine bas et and *"ll carry it." By the way, *"!e figured out a sure way that you"ll score e!ery time. /ou meet a chic and you tell her, "Loo , *"d li e !ery much to ta e you out, but *"!e got a bit of a problem. * now you aren"t familiar with my problem but *"ll 6ust go out with you and *"ll be !ery happy ## but * don"t ma e it with anybody. *"m a celibate and that"s the way it"s got to be. So you now in front there can be no se7ual rapport between us. * 6ust wanted to tell you that now because a couple of times *"!e gone with girls and they said, "Jhy didn"t you tell me, you"!e ruined the night and e!erything." And sure enough, dri!ing along, she"ll as @ "How come you don"t ma e it with anybodyF" "* don"t li e to tal about it." "* ne!er heard of not ma ing it with anybody." "* ha!e, but not for years." "Jhy notF" "* told you, * can"t tal about it." "/ou can tell me. * li e to hear other people"s problems." "All right. *t"s the way *"m built. *"m abnormally large." "/ou"re that bigF" "/eah." "&h, are you idding meF" "Ha!en"t had an affair with a woman since 013B." "And what was her reactionF" "She"s been in the hospital all these years." "Are you really seriousF * mean, didn"t you e!er go to !isit herF" "(hey would ha!e me illed. Her brother is still loo ing for me. * can"t wear wal ing shorts in public." "%eallyF Jell, how big is itF" "'a es me sic . *"!e tried to forget about it." ".ould * see itF" "+o, not a chance. *t"s all loc ed up anyway. * don"t e!en ha!e the ey. 'y father has one eyE the mayor has the other."

Chapter Twenty&five
*t"s 8uite possible that one of the reasons *"!e gotten busted so often goes bac to an unsuccessful e7tortion attempt on me right after that first arrest in =hiladelphia. * was approached by an attorney who has since died ## he was one of the biggest lawyers in the state ## he could ha!e gotten %ay .harles a dri!er"s license. "How do you do, son, could * tal to youF * don"t now if you"!e heard of me, but * understand you had a little beef today. . ." And he promised to 8uash the whole thing for P04,444. +ow there was a witness to that scene, a young attorney from a prominent

=hiladelphia family. He couldn"t belie!e what he saw. He said to me, "* figured maybe his secretary gets a pen, but to be that blatant. . ." After the hearing, outside the court, reporters as ed me if * had any statement. "/es, *"d li e to say that so#and#so"s a croo L" "JhatF" * ga!e the details. (hen * spotted the witness standing in the crowd. * grabbed him, identified him and as ed@ "*s this trueF" "/es, and the whole idea was thoroughly repugnant to me . . ." (he headline in the (hiladelphia Daily News read, ".&'*. B%-.) .LA*'S (%/ A( SHAK),&J+ *+ +A%.&(*.S .AS)." (hey were going to ha!e an in!estigation, with me as material witness. Are they iddingF Let them s%hlep in Sonny Liston instead. Belie!e it or not, * ha!e a dread of being a martyr. 'edication in any form pro!es to be a deterrent to me now. Jhen * was !ery ill, coming down with pneumonia ## in San $rancisco, and then again in 'iami ## * got turned down by doctors. * said, "*"m si%k" are you kiddin*:"Loo , there"s a lot of heat on. . ." (he peace officers" e7planation, continually, for the medication * use intra!enously is this@ they say that * 6ust ta e the non#narcotic to co!er up the narcotic that * ta e. (he %ed Hill *nn. . . =hiladelphia. . . o!er a thousand 'ethedrine prescriptions later. . . !$y#multimiligrams self#in6ected with disposable syringes that bring memos from irate managers. . . "*n all the years that * ha!e been the custodian of the Sel ir Hotel .ircuit, we ha!e ne!er had a toilet stopped up with needles before. . ." (here is a well# nown hobby shop in the Sherman &a s section of Los Angeles. *t is one of the most uni8ue stores in all of .alifornia. (hey had a P04,444 remote#control sports#car trac . &ne afternoon * went to loo at the sports cars. * wound up being boo ed on a narcotics possession charge. Sergeant John L. Jhite testified in court that he saw me drop a matchboo containing a pac et of heroin and run into a bicycle shop, that he followed me in, fris ed me for weapons, and arrested me. "'r. Bruce," the ,istrict Attorney as ed me, "do you thin that these officers ha!e to frame peopleF (hat"s what you"re saying when you deny dropping this pac of matches." (he 6udge interceded@ "* thin instead of "framing," you can say "tell an untruth." *"d li e that better. "(a e the stand and tell an untruth under oath" rather than the word "frame." " /ou"d assume that legions of per6urers would as with feigned innocence@ "Jell, how come a peace officer swore to God and then liedF" /es, why would peace officers lie to the Lord or whate!er deity that our hellish .onstitution thwartsF (hey said they had a hobby shop under sur!eillance. (hey did not ha!e any persons under sur!eillance besides the owner of the hobby shop. But they had no warrant to enter the hobby shop, so in order to eep within the margin of the law, they

had to wait until a person left the shop who was a criminal. *f they could catch a criminal coming out ## namely, Lenny Bruce allegedly drops a pac et of matches, which they can construe as a furti!e action ## then they"d ha!e a probable %a$se and could go into the hobby shop without a warrant. Jhich they did. (he owner was charged with possession of heroin, pleaded guilty and was committed to the ,epartment of .orrection as a narcotics addict. Jhen it was my turn to ta e the stand, * had refused to swear on the Bible. "*t seems li e sort of a moc ery to do this," * e7plained. "* don"t really care to but * will. * don"t mean to be contemptuous of the court, but ##" (he 6udge interrupted@ "* don"t understand your thin ing in this matter. (hat is the custom here and the rule is that you ha!e to ta e an oath to get on the stand." HActually, you ha!e the legal alternati!e of simply "affirming" to tell the truth.I (he 6udge continued@ ",o you ha!e any ob6ection to itF *f it"s a moc ery, that is your personal opinion. /ou ha!e a right to your opinion, but that is the way we do it here." "/es, sir." "All right, swear the witness." (H) .L)%K@ /ou do solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth in the matter now pending before this court, so help you GodF (H) J*(+)SS@ * will tell the truth. (he bicycle#shop man and his assistant both substantiated my testimony that the arrest ne!er too place. (he assistant, incidentally, was a 0<#year#old id with a harelip who went to parochial school. (he 6ury found me guilty of possession of heroin. * had pri!ate detecti!es inter!iew indi!iduals of the 6ury ## a perfectly legal procedure ## and the following is an e7cerpt from a report of their findings@
1riefly' the. . . jury membership' generally speaking' made various incredible statements; to wit' :r. 1ruce!s manner of dress and his way of taking the oath' both contributed to a number of jurors! decision that he was guilty as charged. (urther' more than one juror e"pressed knowledge of :r. 1ruce!s activities' which knowledge. . . they denied they had prior to taking an oath in order to serve on his jury. ) juror alleged that the jury had knowledge of "other evidence" not "brought out" in the trial' which did influence them in their final verdict. ) juror stated that a young boy who was employed in a bike shop' which bike shop was the locale around which there was conflicting testimony' "was obviously tutored"; the juror went on to state that this "tutored" boy witness contributed to the guilty verdict because he had been "tutored." /ne juror had been asked' during the selection of the jury' "#ave you read or heard anything about I*enny 1ruceJ' either through maga<ine articles' newspapers' or otherwiseE" ,he answered "+o' I have not." 1ut private investigator ,eymour 2ayne!s post-trial taped interview with her elicited the following K. 2ell' for e"ample' when you' uh' does' er' the newspaper there' the radio' there' the T$ -). I saw I*enny 1ruceJ on T$ even before he was on trial. K. 1efore Ihe was onJ trial' er' you saw him on T$. 2here did you see him on T$E ). 2hen he was picked up on the news. K. /h' I see. I did not know they had a movie of it. ). )re you kiddingE It!s been on there since then a couple of times. K. :eaning tha --

). %icked up againF )fter he was convicted he was picked up again. K. . . . 2ait a minute' before the trial started there IwasJ news of his being arrested or picked upE ). 2hy' sure. )nd didn!t you know about thisE The interview with another juror included this dialog K. 2hat about when 1ruce got up to be sworn inE 2hat was your feeling about what happened thereE ). 2ell' it certainly was confusing' uh -K. #ow did you feel about itE ). 2ell' it -- I don!t think it did him any good' frankly. #e almost refused to take the oath. I forget the e"act words' but he turned to the judge and said something about isn!t this a farce' or something' that you should take an oath before testifying. K. #ow do you feel about itE ). Confused' I mean' what I -- I don!t know what his back -- what his reasoning would be' but they certainly e"pect people to come up and raise their hand and swear to tell the truth. +ow' when he doesn!t' what do you thinkE I don!t know -- I was thoroughly confused at why. K. .id you dislike him for itE ). +ot necessarily dislike him. I certainly didn!t understand it. It is a customary thing in court -- you testify -- or you swear to tell the truth. K. #ow -- did some of the other jurors make comments about the incidentE ). Ges' they certainly did.

=ossession of heroin is a felony for which * could be gi!en two years in prison. (he court, howe!er, ad6ourned criminal proceedings so that my fate could be decided by ",epartment 1<," pursuant to the terms of Senate Bill >0. .alifornia"s legislati!e branch was responsible for this bill, the purpose of which is theoretically to halt the cruel punishment that was being forced upon sic persons, i.e., narcotics addicts. *t is the function of a ,epartment 1< hearing "to determine whether the defendant is addicted to the use of narcotic drugs or by reason of repeated use of narcotics is in imminent danger of becoming so addicted." (hus, the 6udge was ma ing it possible for me to ha!e, instead of two years in prison, ten years of rehabilitation ## if *"m eligible ## based on the recommendation of two physicians appointed by the court. "'r. Bruce, you"re luc y, we"re going to gi!e you ten years of help." "* don"t deser!e it, really, *"m a rotten bastard. . ." 'y ,epartment 1< hearing was held@ "(he =eople of the State of .alifornia, for the best interest and protection of society and Lenny Bruce, an Alleged +arcotic ,rug Addict." ,r. (homas L. Gore, .hief =sychiatrist in Los Angeles Superior .ourt, stated@ "CLenny BruceD is a narcotic drug addict." ,r. Berliner, who "e7amined" me with ,r. Gore, concurred@ "* belie!e that 'r. Bruce is a narcotic drug addict." 'y attorney cross#e7amined ,r. Gore@ R. Jhen did you sign this certificate Cstating that Lenny Bruce is a narcotic addictDF A. * signed it shortly after the e7amination was made. R. /ou signed the certificate before you came to court today to hear any other testimony, isn"t that correct, ,octorF A. * made a statement which was !ery plain )nglish. * signed the certificate in the room immediately abo!e this within ten minutes after you and your client had wal ed out

of the room. R. Are you familiar, ,octor, with the pro!ision in the law that enables you to hear all the testimony that comes before the court before offering your certificate to ha!e someone placed in the +arcotic ,rug %ehabilitation .enterF. . . A. * ha!en"t submitted this thing yet. * ha!e it right here in front of me. R. *s the copy you ha!e in front of you signedF A. /es. . . (H) .&-%(@ *t is signed, and ,octor, if you care to, ta e the court"s pen and stri e your signature. . . C(he doctorsD could easily add or subtract to their testimony if they found pertinent information or e!idence adduced which may tend to cause them to alter, or change their testimony. R. *f the Judge had not directed you to ta e the pencil and stri e out your name, ,octor, would you ha!e changed that signature based on any testimony that you may ha!e heard here todayF A. * ha!en"t heard any. R. *f you had heard testimony to the contrary of your own opinion, would you ha!e crossed out your signature and submitted the certificateF A. *f * had heard a do5en witnesses testify, * would still sign the certificate. (here were a few doctors who testified in my defense. $irst, ,r. Keith ,ittman stated that the best way a doctor could determine conclusi!ely whether or not a man is a narcotic addict would be to hospitali5e him and see him de!elop withdrawal symptoms and then counteract those symptoms of withdrawal with the drug to which he is belie!ed to be addicted. (his would be done within the period of a wee or possibly two wee s. R. ,octor, now can you tell me whether or not you feel any 8ualified physician could conclusi!ely conclude Cas did Gore and BerlinerD. . . that any person was a narcotic addict after a 0<, 94, or :4#minute inter!iew and !isual e7amination of the !einsF A. * don"t now of any way that it can be done. R. *s it an accepted method to merely !isually obser!e the !eins of a person and in the absence of obser!ation under clinical conditions to ma e a conclusion Cas did Gore and BerlinerD that a person is a narcotic addictF A. /ou mean only to confine it to thatF +o. R. ,octor, could the in6ection into the !ein of a non#narcotic o!er a period of time under some circumstances produce discoloration or certain !isual conditions that are similar to conditions that might be occasioned o!er a period of time from the in6ection of a narcoticF A. /es. R. ,uring the course of your e7amination of 'r. Bruce, was it brought to your attention. . . that he had recei!ed o!er a period of time any 'ethedrineF A. He told me who was prescribing it. * as ed him if it was all right that * call that doctor to tal with him about it, and * did, and the doctor confirmed that he was by prescription gi!ing 'ethedrine and the hypodermic syringes. +e7t ,r. +orman %otenberg, whose patient * ha!e been since 01<1, was called to the stand. 'y attorney e7amined him.

R. . . . +ow, ,octor, in your opinion, are you able to distinguish between mar s that e7ist on a person"s arm that might ha!e been occasioned by an in6ection of narcotics or may ha!e been occasioned by an in6ection of a non#narcoticF A. +o, in my opinion there is no method of distinguishing between mar s, sir. R. . . . ,r. %otenberg, o!er the years. . . how many times would you say you saw 'r. BruceF A. . . . =erhaps * ha!e seen him a do5en tunes in the office. R. Jith regard to these 09 !isits o!er appro7imately a three#and#a#half#year period of time ## or let"s say, four !isits, appro7imately 8uarterly, e!ery three months ## let"s tal about those. &n any of these !isits, did 'r. Bruce appear to you to be undergoing withdrawal from narcotic drugsF A. +o, he did not. R. Are you familiar with the traditional symptoms that are occasioned by someone who has a reliance upon a narcotic drug when he is going through the withdrawal or needs that narcotic drugF A. /es. R. And none of these symptoms appeared, is that correctF A. (hey did not. .ross#e7amination followed@ R. +ow, ,octor, if a person ta es 'ethedrine, would that sta!e off going through the withdrawals Cof heroinDF A. +o, * don"t thin it would. +o, sir, it would not. R. *n other words, he would go through the withdrawals e!en with ta ing 'ethedrineF A. /es, if he was a narcotic addict. R. . . . +ow, ,octor, 'r. Bruce told you that he suffered from a lethargic conditionE is that rightF A. LethargyF R. /es, that is sleepiness and this and that. A. /es. R. Are you familiar with the conditions of a person who is under the influence of heroinF A. Some of the conditions. R. Jould that be one of the conditions that would be produced in the person who is ta ing heroinF Jould he be lethargicF A. He could be, yes, sir. R. Also, ,octor, you ga!e him a letter stating that, in substance, that if the police see fresh puncture mar s on his arm, that could be from 'ethedrineF A. /es. R. Also, it could also be from heroin, could it notF A. *t could be from anything, yes, sir. R. . . . A person reading the letter would see the fresh mar s and couldn"t now if that was from heroin or from 'ethedrineF A. * feel there is no way of determining what it was from. He could merely state that * had prescribed a drug for him and that he had been using it intra!enously. R. . . . .ould you say at this time with your e7perience that he is not an addictF

A. * say definitely that 'r. Bruce is not a narcotic at this time. R. . . . But you don"t now if he is within the last two wee s and few months ago, you don"t now whether or not he has ta en an in6ection of heroinF A. * don"t now, no, sir. %edirect e7amination by my attorney@ R. ,octor. . . in your opinion, is 'r. Bruce a narcotic addictF A. +o, my opinion is that 'r. Bruce is not a narcotic addict. R. *n your opinion, is 'r. Bruce in imminent danger of becoming a narcotic addictF A. +o, my opinion is that this man is not in imminent danger of becoming a narcotic addict. (hen came ,r. ,a!id +eimet5, who had administered a +alline test Cthe accepted means of determining drug addictionD which, he testified, indicated that "there was no narcotic in 'r. Bruce"s system." A wee later, another +alline test also pro!ed negati!e. &n the day he testified, during a court recess, he administered still another +alline test. %esult@ negati!e. R. ,octor, in your opinion, is Lenny Bruce a narcotic addictF A. +o. At one point, the 6udge as ed him@ "Supposing, now, the indi!idual is a narcotic addict on a gi!en day and he is unable to either obtain the narcotic due to una!ailability of the drug or he is incarcerated for one reason or another, and he is unable to obtain the drug until the physical need for the drug has disappeared. Jould you consider that indi!idual to be addicted at that timeF (H) J*(+)SS@ &h, yes, certainly, because at this particular time the person would probably be ha!ing withdrawal symptoms due to his inability to get the drug. (H) .&-%(@ *n other words, after the physical need for the drug has ceased ## say, after three wee s there is no withdrawal e!idence ## would you consider that indi!idual to be a narcotic addictF (H) J*(+)SS@ 'edically, you couldn"t consider him to be an addict. /ou"d ha!e no basis, nothing to base it on. (H) .&-%(@ Supposing the psychological need continued, ,octor, for the drugF (H) J*(+)SS@ Jell, this is getting into the realm of what is an addict, the basis and theories. Hmmmm, could Lenny Bruce be a psychological addictF "Are you thin ing about it now, LennyF" "/eah, *"m thin ing about 6er ing off and ta ing dope. . ." (he final witness for the defense was ,r. Joel $ort, a specialist in public health and criminology, with particular interest in narcotic addiction, dangerous drugs and alcoholism. He is director of the .enter on Alcoholism in &a land and lecturer in the School of .riminology at the -ni!ersity of .alifornia in Ber eley, where he teaches a course dealing with narcotic addiction, dangerous drugs and alcoholism. He is .ourt )7aminer in Alameda .ounty and .hairman of the Alameda#.ontra .osta 'edical Association .ommittee on Alcoholism and ,angerous ,rugs. He was formerly consultant to the Alameda .ounty =robation ,epartment. $or two years he was on the staff of the -.S. =ublic Health Ser!ice +arcotics Hospital in Le7ington, Kentuc y,

and he also wor ed at an addiction research center there. He was an in!ited delegate to the Jhite House .onference on +arcotic ,rug -se. *n connection with his appearance before .ongress with regard to narcotic addiction, the .hairman of the Subcommittee stated in the 0on*ressional 7e%ord that his was the most outstanding testimony presented on narcotics before the committee. His articles on narcotic addiction ha!e appeared in a number of publications, including the 0ali4ornia Law 7eview. &!er the years, he has wor ed with, diagnosed, treated and administered to narcotic or would#be narcotic addicts numbering in the thousands. He ser!es on the Ad!isory .ommittee of the .alifornia +arcotics %ehabilitation .enter =rogram. So much for his credits. ,r. $ort testified@ "* would say that CLenny BruceD is not a narcotic addict. . . *t is absolutely impossible." R. . . . *s there such a thing as a psychological or psychic drug addictF A. * ha!e ne!er heard that term used by an e7perienced person. R. . . . Jould Lenny Bruce, would this man here who you ha!e e7amined, benefit by being sent to the State +arcotic %ehabilitation .enter if he were sent there today by the .ourtF A. * do not thin that he would. * thin that he would be harmed by being sent there. R. Jould the community benefit, ,octor, in your opinionF A. * feel that the community would be harmed also. +e!ertheless, the 6udge decided that * am a narcotic addict and would be committed to ten years of rehabilitation. &n June 92, 012:, my attorney mo!ed for a stay of the commitment, pending a final disposition of the appeal. (he notice of the appeal automatically stayed the proceedings. (he matter is still pending. 'y hands tremble as * write this. Soon it will be dar and my !eins will begin to palpitate and * must ha!e the stuff. Judge 'unnell"s use of power has let a drug addict loose upon the citi5enry of Los Angeles ## a cra5ed man who will surely steal in order to ha!e his ne7t fi7. (he blood of pleading store eepers will be upon the 6udge"s hands. . .

Chapter Twenty&'i#
Between the time * was ac8uitted of obscenity charges for the second time in Los Angeles and the start of my +ew /or obscenity trial, some >4#odd prominent figures ## including many nonfans ## signed a public protest on my behalf. (he signators included theologian %einhold +eibuhrE psychoanalyst (heodor %ei E Arnold Beichman, chairman of the American .ommittee for .ultural $reedomE entertainers Joody Allen, (heodore Bi el, %ichard Burton, Godfrey .ambridge, Bob ,ylan, Herb Gardner, Ben Ga55ara, ,ic Gregory, (ommy Leonetti, =aul +ewman, )li5abeth (aylor, %ip (orn, %udy GalleeE no!elists and playwrights +elson Algren, James Baldwin, Saul Bellow, Kay Boyle, Jac Gelber, Joseph Heller, Lillian Helman, James

Jones, +orman 'ailer, Arthur 'iller, Henry 'iller, John %echy, Jac %ichardson, Susan Sontag, (erry Southern, Jilliam Styron, John -pdi e, Gore Gidal, Arnold JeinsteinE artists Jules $eiffer, Jalt Kelly and Ben ShahnE poets Gregory .orso, Lawrence $erlinghetti, Allen Ginsberg, Leroi Jones, =eter &rlo!s y, Louis -ntermeyerE critics )ric Bentley, %obert Brustein, 'alcom .owley, Les .rane, Harry Golden, 'ichael Harrington, +at Hentoff, Gran!ille Hic s, Alfred Ka5in, Ale7ander King, 'a7 Lerner, ,wight 'acdonald, Jonathan 'iller, =hilip %ah!, 'ar Schorer, Har!ey Swados, Jerry (allmer, Lionel (rilling, ,an Ja efield, %ichard GilmanE editors and publishers *ra Gitler 'Down #eat+" %obert Gottlieb HSimon ? SchusterI, *r!ing Howe 'Dissent+" =eter *srael H=utnam"sI, Jilliam =hillips '(artisan 7eview+" George =limpton '(aris 7eview+" +orman =odhoret5 '0o!!entary+" Barney %ossett HGro!e =ressI. (he petition reads as follows@
2e the undersigned are agreed that the recent arrests of night-club entertainer *enny 1ruce by the +ew Gork police department on charges of indecent performance constitutes a violation of civil liberties as guaranteed by the (irst and (ourteenth amendments to the 0nited ,tates Constitution. *enny 1ruce is a popular and controversial performer in the field of social satire in the tradition of ,wift' &abelais' and Twain. )lthough 1ruce makes use of the vernacular in his nightclub performances' he does so within the conte"t of his satirical intent and not to arouse the prurient interests of his listeners. It is up to the audience to determine what is offensive to them; it is not a function of the police department of +ew Gork or any other city to decide what adult private citi<ens may or may not hear. 2hether we regard 1ruce as a moral spokesman or simply as an entertainer' we believe he should be allowed to perform free from censorship or harassment.

Harassment is a leprous label that draws bully taunts@ "&h, are they pic ing on you, little boyF (hey"re always pic ing on you. *t"s funny, that doesn"t happen to your brother." =eople as , why don"t they lea!e you aloneF * say there"s nobody pic ing on me. )7cept the ones that don"t piss in the sin . But we all doL (hat"s the one common denominator to sei5e upon. )!ery man reading this has at one time pissed in the sin . * ha!e, and * am part e!ery guy in the world. Je"re all included. * know you"!e pissed in the sin . /ou may ha!e pretended to be washing your hands, but you were definitely pissing in the sin . %ecently there was a news item about a cat burglar who bro e into the fourth floor of the Hotel America in +ew /or at 09@4< A.'. * used to stay at the Hotel America when * was in +ew /or . A suite there was a!ailable for P:2 a month, and was rented by the year by the Jallace Brothers .ircus in case a trained bear was pregnant ## you now, if an animal gets noc ed up while wor ing 'adison S8uare Garden, the Hotel America is the only one that will ta e a pregnant bear, because the maid only goes in once a year. +ow, my theory is that it wasn"t a cat burglar, it was actually a tenant. Somebody in the $landers Hotel across the street had spotted the prowler. "* was loo ing at the stars through my binoculars," said %. Lendows i, Grand .entral Station maintenance porter. "* 6ust happened to be loo ing and * saw this guy." Jhen 8uestioned, the suspect said that there was no toilet in his room, that he had

recent surgery done on his little toe and so wal ing to the bathroom in the hall was terribly painful, and that his roommate caught him pissing in the sin . Actually, he wasn"t %a$*ht by his roommate, he was 6ust about to start" and he got out of it by saying that he was ta ing a sponge bath and had to continue bathing from the waist up, while his roommate ept inter6ecting@ "$or a minute * thought that you were trying to piss in the sin . . . * once caught a guy doing that at =aris *sland. . . .an you imagine someone pissing in the sin F. . . (he same type of dirty guy that pisses in the ocean. . ." So he waited until his friend fell asleep, still mumbling about those guys snea # pissing in the sin . (hen he decided to piss out the window, but he felt guilty about it in case some guy that might be an e!en bigger nut on ocean#pissers who happened to be passing by. Jhat if you pissed on a guy li e that: (hen the police arri!ed. ",on"t mo!e ## * see which window that spray is coming from. /ouL Jith your hand on the sill, sha ing it on the screen ## stop in the name of the lawL & ay, we"!e got you surroundedL ,on"t drop anythingL" Later, at police head8uarters, the suspect is confessing@ ". . . So * searched out all the possibilities, and * went out on the ledge to ma e sure * wouldn"t get it on anyone. *t was 09@4< A.'., and * saw a whole bunch of binoculars from different windows watching me. Before * new it, this priest was on the ledge with me. He said, "Son, is this the only wayF" "* said, "*t"s either this or pissing in the sin , $ather. (he fire engines are here now and * ha!e a choice of confessing as a cat burglar or a =eeping (om, but to tell the truth, my roommate won"t let me piss in the sin . . ." " *t"s !irtually unanimous that we"!e all pissed in the sin , including =resident Johnson and myself, and 'ic ey .ohen and Billy Graham. &f course, *"!e also done a few things in my life that * am so ashamed of * would ne!er tell anybody" e!er. *"ll ta e those secrets to my gra!e. +aturally * won"t tell them to you, but * will re!eal a !inor s eleton hanging around in my confessional booth. A friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, was an m.c. in a night club that had strippers. He came o!er to my pad about fi!e o"cloc one morning, wo e me up and showed me a big diamond ring. He said that there was this drun he had helped out to a cab. Jhile sha ing hands and saying "Good night, sir," he had managed to slip the ring off the drun "s finger. +ow my friend wanted to now how much * thought it was worth. * said, "Lea!e it with me, * now a bartender who"s also a 6eweler, and *"ll be seeing him later today." He left it with me. * stayed up till >@:4 and then dro!e downtown. (he ring had a three#carat stone in it and a baguette on each side. * too it to a 6eweler and as ed for an appraisal. He said it was worth about P0<44 or P9444. * then went three stores down and as ed how much it would cost to ha!e a 5ircon made that would match this diamond centerstone e7actly. "About twenty dollars." ",o it." He did it while * waited.

And * split. (wo hours later it dawned on my friend@ "Jhat the hell am * lea!ing that ring with hi! for ## he might steal it." An hour later he came by. "* 6ust thought of it," he said, "my cousin"s got a friend who"s a 6eweler and *"m going by there later." So * ga!e the ring bac to him. Again he as ed me, "Jhat do you thin it"s worthF" "* don"t now, probably a couple of thousand dollars." (hat was the last * heard of the ring for si7 months. (hen he started tal ing of going into the dry#cleaning business with his father. "Jhere you gonna get the breadF" "*"m going to dig up the ring," he said. "*"!e had it buried in the bac yard." And for the ne7t three months, he spent that buried ring fifty times. "*"m not gonna dig it up till *"m sure, because then *"ll 6ust piss the money away." A miniature golf course, that would be it. He e!en had the real#estate guy draw up the papers. He as ed me to dri!e him downtown. Je were going to sell the ring. &h, God. As we wal ed into the first pawnshop, * waited for the cruncher. "How much will you gi!e me for this diamondF" "."mon, it"s too hot today for 6o es." "*"m not idding, * wanna sell it." "*t"s a co e bottle. (a e it bac and get three cents deposit on it. *t"s glass." "Jhy don"t you put that thing up to your eyeF" But before the pawnshop owner could answer, my friend grabbed the ring bac in desperation. Je hit three Je#Buy#&ld#Gold 6ewelry stores and got the same answer. $inally, a less 6aded merchant, who hadn"t sold a graduation watch for <4 cents down all day, said@ "Son, the platinum is worth about twel!e dollars, and the little chips on each side about si7 dollars apiece, and the 5ircon in the middle, fi!e dollars, including labor. *"ll gi!e you three dollars for it." "How do you li e that phony bastard, wearing a three#dollar ring, and * had it buried in the bac yard." About a year later ## * still had the stone ## * was !ery busted, and a successful comedian, a good friend of mine, ga!e me PB44 for it because he wanted to help me. He wrote out the chec for "Special 'aterial." A few months later, * was ma ing some money, and since the bac #yard diamond planter was a !ery good friend * couldn"t resist telling him how it came about that he buried that piece of glass. And then * ga!e him half the bread. (here"s another minor s eleton in my confessional booth. *t would be my undoing if * were e!er to run for public office. "'r. Bruce," my opponent would sneer, "is it not the truth that when you were twel!e years old, you 6er ed off a dogF *n fact, you"!e 6er ed off several dogs. And isn"t it true that when a certain coc er spaniel used to come to your house, he would push his hind end toward his front pawsF" "* didn"t now what * was doing. * was cra5y with fear. (hey bite. He was !icious. $riends of mine had told me, "Jer him off and he won"t bite you." " "Ladies and gentlemen, is that the ind of man you want for -nited States SenatorF +oL Je"re loo ing for a religious man ## one who"d see to it that anyone that had sinned would be made to suffer fore!er. . ." Someone goes to 6ail, and after 0< years of incarceration, you ma e sure you get him bac in as soon as you can by shaming anyone who would forgi!e him, accept him,

gi!e him employmentE by shaming them on tele!ision ## "(he unions nowingly hired e7# con!icts." ,ri!ing in +ew Jersey once, * would occasionally pass signs stating@ .%*'*+ALS '-S( %)G*S()%. ,oes this mean that in the middle of the hold#up, you ha!e to go to the .ounty .ourthouse and registerF &r does it mean that you must register if you on%e committed a criminal actF ,o you now there are guys in 6ail for doing it to %hi%kens: Bestiality. Hey, lady, wouldn"t you get bugged if yo$r husband balled a chic enF "* was the last one to nowL" "But she was only sitting on my lap. * was 4eedin* her." "&h, sure, you were feeding her. )!erybody told me what you were doing to her. And on o$r bedL" "*t wasn"t on the bed, it was o!er there ##" "Jhat"s happened to your chic enF Ha!e you seen your chic en latelyF (ell your %hi%ken to fi7 dinner. . ." &nce * was tal ing to a horse trainer and a 6oc ey. *"m not hip to trac people and their life, but this trainer told me how he really lo!ed animals, and to ha!e a horse that"s a winner, you"!e got to loc him up all the time. Just eep him a prisoner and bo7car him from town to town and ne!er let them ha!e any fun with lady horses. *t"s the lowest. Just eep them so when that race comes, he"s a real nutL And then, whoosh. . . "/ou now, Lenny," the 6oc ey said, "sometimes in the morning when the light 6ust starts to brea through, some of those fillies are so beautiful, they loo li e pretty women. Jhen they"!e got those fly#sheets on, it loo s li e negligees flying in the wind." "&h, yeahF -h ## did you e!er ##F" "+o." "Because that"s a !ery interesting transference you 6ust had there. * can"t see any girlie thing in horses. +ow tell me the truth ## because * now <8d deny it too if * made it with a filly ## but * mean, you now, did you e!erF" He said no, he ne!er did, but then he told me a story that really flipped me, about this horse called * Salute out of *saacson Stables. (his horse was a big winner ## purse after purse ## she really had it made, and the season was almost o!er. (hen, fi!e o"cloc one morning, they caught a <4#year#old e7ercise man with the horse. +aturally, they busted him. (he charge@ sodomy. (hey arraigned him, con!icted him, and he got a year in the 6oint. +ow * started thin ing. . . what a hell of a thing to do ti!e for, you nowF "Hey, what are you in forF" "+e!er mind." (he most ludicrous thing would be ma ing the arrest, * assume. /ou"d be so embarrassed. "*, uh, you"re under arrest ## uh, ahem, come out of thereL" &r the 6udge. How could he really get serious with thatF "All right, where"s the complaining witnessF" Anyway, the e7ercise man went to prison, and the horse must ha!e missed him a lot, because she 6ust didn"t want to run anymore. And she ne!er did race again.

Chapter Twenty&"even
After this autobiography had been seriali5ed in (L16#O6 maga5ine, there were many letters to the editor. * thin it would be pertinent at this point to 8uote two particular letters from that group. (he first is from John ). ,olan, =resident of the ,olan#Jhitney ,etecti!e Ser!ice@
#aving investigated numerous aspects of' and the peculiarities surrounding' *enny 1ruce!s *os )ngeles arrest for the alleged "possession of narcotics" and the subse?uent trials' I am conversant with numerous facts and other valid data concerning the case. Gou might be interested to know' for instance' that @ohn *. 2hite' the officer who arrested *enny 1ruce for "possession of narcotics'" has himself since been arraigned in (ederal Court. 2hite is now serving a five-year sentence in (ederal %rison after being found guilty of "illegal importation of narcotics."

(he other letter to (L16#O6 was from ,r. Joel $ort@

In addition to commending you for your publication of *enny 1ruce!s valuable and interesting social document' I would like to elaborate briefly on the section of his autobiography describing my testimony during his trial for narcotic addiction. . . I brought out in my testimony the criteria that should be used in making a diagnosis of drug addiction which would include both the detailed history of drug use by a particular individual and the physical signs of such use. :r. 1ruce at the time of my e"amination and during the weeks immediately prior to his trial' showed no such evidence of being an addict' and in fact had numerous negative tests for the presence of narcotics in his body. The doctors certifying him as an addict had had little e"perience with narcotic addiction and seemed to use as their main criterion the fact that he had been arrested for possession of heroin' which should not be a crucial factor in reaching a medical diagnosis. In these addiction proceedings' as in his numerous obscenity charges' :r. 1ruce was and is bearing the brunt of unjust and irrational reaction to his outspoken criticism of a society pervaded by hypocrisy and deceit. If such dissent is successfully shut off by various official and unofficial policing bodies' freedom of speech will have suffered a further crippling blow and roboti<ation of our society will have moved one step closer.

A pri!ate in!estigator * hired dug into the bac ground of ,r. (homas L. Gore, who was so an7ious to gi!e me ten years of help. And, on &ctober :, 012:, ,r. *. J. J. .ore, 'edical )7aminer for the 'etropolitan Go!ernment of +ash!ille, ,a!idson .ounty, in (ennessee, signed an affida!it which stated@
.uring the years 3457 and 345B' I was Chief of ,taff at .avidson County #ospital' a mental institution situated in +ashville' Tennessee. . . for the entire fifteen C3>D months of Thomas *. 8ore!s administration as superintendent of the .avidson County #ospital. . . during which time the following incidents occurred. . . which eventually culminated and led to Thomas *. 8ore!s dismissal C3D Thomas 8ore was constantly engaged' during the majority of the time he presided as superintendent' in disputes with the personnel of the .avidson County #ospital' as well as with employees and members of the County Court' and members of the 1oard of #ospital Commissioners.

C6D In complete violation of the law of the ,tate of Tennessee' which law does not provide for such procedures' Thomas 8ore castrated a patient from @oelton' Tennessee' which surgery was performed by Thomas 8ore without consent of the patient' the guardian of said patient' or the 1oard of #ospital Commissioners. 0pon being informed of such illicit activity' as Chief of ,taff and a member of the 1oard' I personally investigated this matter and determined beyond all doubt this operation to have been performed by 8ore. This activity on the part of 8ore caused the County considerable trouble' and while' at the time' there was some discussion on the part of the parents of this patient upon whom 8ore had performed an illegal operation' relative ItoJ pursuing their legal remedies' no further action was ever taken by the parents. 0nder the *aw of the ,tate of Tennessee' castration of this patient was' of course' definitely illegal. C;D (or reasons undetermined' and at tremendous e"pense to the County' Thomas 8ore caused to be e"cavated on County property' adjacent ItoJ the dairy of the .avidson County #ospital' a huge hole' which e"cavation was never utili<ed' and which was then in my opinion' a matter of e"tremely poor judgment. :y opinion on that matter to the present day has remained unchanged. C5D In complete violation of the law' 8ore purchased a herd of cattle at public auction' again without County consent' and again without the consent or knowledge of the 1oard. C>D Thomas 8ore caused to be built during his administration a corn crib' and which under his direction was constructed so as to be airtight' thereby destroying any value for which it may have been constructed. C=D /n one occasion during his administration' Thomas 8ore informed me that while a member of the )rmed (orces' he was a money lender. ,ubse?uent to his discharge from the )rmy and while the ,uperintendent of the .avidson County #ospital' he attempted to borrow money from me to lend to )rmy personnel. I refused to become involved and in turn refused to lend 8ore monies for such purposes. C7D .uring 8ore!s administration' grates were removed from the first floor windows and' as a result' a number of patients were lost from the institution causing the County great an"iety and e"pense in returning them to said institution. (ollowing 8ore!s release' I was then appointed temporary ,uperintendent and immediately rectified the situation' replacing the grating' whereby the number of escapees were reduced immensely. )gain' at the time of the removal of the grating in this mental institution' I considered 8ore!s judgment faulty. In conclusion' your deponent says that Thomas *ee 8ore!s administration was totally and completely unsatisfactory. #e was released for his inability to manage employees and for mismanagement in general. 8ore was completely unsuited for and totally unfitted for the job of ,uperintendent' and after our e"perience with Thomas 8ore' the 1oard decided that we never again would have a retired service man as head of the institution. The 1oard knew and reali<ed they had made a mistake in engaging 8ore. #e was arrogant and bullheaded and unable to get along with civilian personnel. In my opinion the man was indeed paranoiac' and I consider him a very sick man. I do not consider 8ore!s judgment was trustworthy' and I cannot nor would not give full faith and credit to any oath of his in a court of justice.

*ncidentally, bac in June 01<<, ,r. Gore the castrator wrote an article in Federal (robation entitled "(he Antidote for ,elin8uency@ God#*nspired Lo!e." * ha!e really become possessed with winning ## !indicating myself rather than being !indicti!e ## and my room is always cluttered with reels of tape and photostats of transcripts. %ecently, when * pretended to doubt the word of my eight#year#old daughter, Kitty, she said@ ",addy, you"d belie!e me if it was on tape." %ecently * was offered a writing gig on a (G series for P:<44 a wee . And * really was happy about that. But after two days, negotiations went right into the can. (he company"s legal department had illed it. Because of the morality clause. Jhen %od Amateau had come bac stage and offered me the writing assignment, *

had 6ust gi!en my last two possessions ## my record player and my camera ## to a secretary in lieu of payment. 'oral turpitude. (hey said the decision related to my arrests for obscenity and narcotics, and the sponsor. (he thing * really felt bad about was that %od Amateau had wor ed so hard to get me the gig, and *"m sure he felt ashamed. He shouldn"t ha!e been sub6ected to that. Jhen * had been a writer for 94th .entury#$o7 se!eral years prior to this, * lost the 6ob for a reason that * could relate to perhaps more ob6ecti!ely than the morality clause. 'y boss there was a producer. He had a stable of writers, made a lot of money and went out with a pretty starlet. He had his own pri!ate dining room at the studio that loo ed li e a ship. He"d say@ "Stay in your office, write twenty pages a day, and if you get bored, loo out my office window at the green lawn with the hard#wor ing gardeners, and be happy you can write." &ne day * loo ed out the window, only to see him dying of a heart attac that had started in his dining room and lasted all the way down ,arryl $. Nanuc "s stairs. He died on the lawn. And * new that * was finished there because * didn"t get in!ited to the funeral. Actually, e!erybody he"d hired got fired upon his death. He had introduced me to a big star who became e!en bigger by playing Las Gegas in a pee aboo dress, and she as ed me to write a piece of special material for her for P<44. * did, and she sent me a wire from her show, thrilled ## "(he material was great." She was ne!er home after that, though, and * wanted to get my money. Her mother ga!e me the brush@ "Loo , you ## we found out you wor in burles8ue, and if you bother us once more, we"re going to blac #list you with the Jriters" Guild." Since all the moralists and purists support Las Gegas as the entertainment capital of the world, one would assume that the attraction at (he Star ,ust is The (assion (lay or a 'onet e7hibit or the +ew /or .ity Ballet with )ugene &rmandy conducting. But, noE what is the big attractionF "(its and ass." * beg your pardonF "(its and ass, that"s what the attraction is." Just tits and assF "+o, an apache team in between for rationali5ation." Jell, that must be 6ust one hotel ## what"s the second big attractionF "'ore tits and ass." And the thirdF "(hat"s it, tits and ass, and more tits and ass." ,o you mean to tell me that Li4e maga5ine would de!ote three full pages to tits and assF "/es, right ne7t to the articles by Billy Graham and +orman Gincent =eale." Jell, that may be the truth, but you 6ust can"t put "(its and Ass" up on a mar8uee. "Jhy notF" Because it"s dirty and !ulgar, that"s why. "(itties are dirty and !ulgarF"

+o, you"re not gonna bait me, it"s not the titties, it"s the words, it"s the way you relate them. /ou can"t ha!e those words where ids can see them. ",idn"t your id e!er see a tittyF" *"m telling you, it"s the words. "* don"t belie!e you. * belie!e, to you, it"s the titty that"s dirty, because *"ll change the words to 8T$%h$ses and Nay-nays +ightlyL"" (hat"s a little better. "Jell, that"s interesting. /ou"re not anti#Semitic idiomatic, you"re anti#Anglo# Sa7on idiomatic. (hen why don"t we get really austereF Latin@ 8 l$te$s !a3i!$s and (e%torales !a,ores +ightlyL"" +ow, that"s clean. "(o yo$" s%h!$%k ## but it"s dirty to the LatinsL" Jell, you 6ust can"t put tits and ass up there, that"s all. "La (arisiene ## (he $ollies ## class with ass ## $rench tits and ass ## that"s artL And if we don"t ma e any more money with that you can ha!e a >apanese nude show that absol!es us both politically and spiritually, because who but a dirty Jap would show their iesterF And we"ll get the +orman Luboff choir to sing 7e!e!ber (earl Harbor. And then, if we don"t ma e any more money with that, we"ll combine the contemporary and the patriotic@ American tits and ass. Grandma 'oses" tits and +orman %oc well"s ass. . ." H,raw my ass. *f you can draw my ass, you can draw. 'y ass, you can draw.I Soon they will ha!e 6ust a big nipple up on the mar8uee, and maybe that"s why you want to ha!e $&% A,-L(S &+L/, because you"re ashamed to tell your ids that you"re selling and e7ploiting and ma ing an erotic thing out of your mother"s breast that ga!e you life. (he morality clause. And * had really wanted that 6ob, because * got really busted out financially as the number of arrests had begun to mount up, and my income was more and more cut off. $or the first time in my life * had chec s bouncing, and * ruined an eight#year credit rating. %ight down the drain. *"!e played ,etroit for almost eight years, and was due to open at (he Alamo in 'arch 0123, but when the ,etroit Board of .ensors learned of this, they wouldn"t permit my appearance ## depri!ing me of my rights without e!en so much as a 6udicial proceeding. * ha!e been calling up night#club owners all o!er the country, but they"re all afraid to boo me. Bariety" the Bible of Show Business, refuses to accept an ad from me that simply states *"m available. And * can"t get into )ngland. $ighting my "persecution" seems as futile as as ing Barry Goldwater to spea at a memorial to send the %osenberg ids to college, or as ing attorney James ,ona!an, "&n your way bac from trading the prisoners in .uba, stop off and see if you can get 6ust one more pardon for 'orton Sobell." * mean, when * thin of all the crap that"s been happening to me, the thing that eeps me from getting really outraged or hostile at the people in!ol!ed is ## and *"m sure that .aryl .hessman, or perhaps his ne7t#cell murderer who sits waiting to be murdered, felt this, too ## that in the end, the in6ustice anyone is sub6ected to is really 8uite an in matter.

Sure, other people do care, but how long does it e!er last. . . (he police !isit me occasionally. &ne night recently * was in the bathroom sha!ing when four peace officers showed up on my property. * new two of themE one, in fact, had testified in court against me ## the (ro6an that Horse built ## the others were loud and out of line. * as ed them to lea!e if they didn"t ha!e a search warrant, whereupon one of them too out his gun, saying@ "Here"s my search warrant." *f * am paranoid, then * ha!e reached the acute point of stress in my life. *t"s this bad@ %ecently, while wal ing to wor at the &ff#Broadway, a night club in San $rancisco 'Bariety deemed it newsworthy enough to report that * wasn8t arrested during that engagementI, * obser!ed a young couple in front of me. (hey were wal ing se!eral feet ahead of me. (hey turned the corner that * was going to turn. And 6ust before * got to the club, they turned into a hotel and went up the stairs. 'y fear@ * was afraid that they were afraid that * was following them.

Chapter Twenty&$ight
* don"t get in!ol!ed with politics as much as 'ort Sahl does, because * now that to be a correct politician and a successful one, you must be what all politicians ha!e always been@ chameleonli e. * !oted in the 0124 =residential election, but * didn"t get too emotionally in!ol!ed and !ehement with the attitude that "'y man is the best man" ## because * didn"t know the man * !oted for. * thin the clichO is that you don"t now a man till you li!e with him, and since * ne!er slept with +i7on or Kennedy * can only tell you if they were good in retrospect. * !oted for Kennedy because * thought *"d be able to see the reflection of a human being with dimension. *"!e seen a child born in the Jhite House. -p till now, =residents ha!e ne!er seemed li e real people to me. * could ne!er !isuali5e )isenhower e!en issing his wife. +ot on the mouth, anyway. He didn"t e!en go to the toilet either, he 6ust stood there. He didn"t e!en go to bed, he 6ust sat up all night with his clothes on, worrying. And e!en +i7on ## well, he issed his wife, but on the forehead, and only on (han sgi!ing, in front of his in#laws. &ne particular facet of the election ## the Great ,ebate ## con!inced me more than e!er that my "ear of the beholder" philosophy is correctE that the listener hears only what he wants to hear. * would be with a bunch of Kennedy fans watching the debate and their comment would be, "He"s really slaughtering +i7on." (hen we would all go to another apartment, and the +i7on fans would say, "How do you li e the shellac ing he ga!e KennedyF" And then * reali5ed that each group lo!ed their candidate so that a guy would ha!e to be this blatant ## he would ha!e to loo into the camera and say@ "* am a thief, a croo , do you hear me, * am the worst choice you could e!er ma e for the =residencyL"

And e!en then his following would say, "+ow there"s an honest man for you. *t ta es a big guy to admit that. (here"s the ind of guy we need for =resident." And now Lyndon Johnson is =resident. Je forga!e the Japanese once, the Germans twice, but the Jhite Southerner we"!e ic ed in the ass since $ort Sumter. Je pour millions into propagandi5ing )urope, but ne!er a penny for %adio $ree South. Lyndon Johnson could cut Schopenhauer mind# wise but his sound chills it for him. (he Jhite Southerner gets ic ed in the ass e!ery time for his sound. "$ol s, Ah thin nuclear fission ##" "Get outa here, s%h!$%k" you don"t thin nothin"." (he bomb, the bomb ## oh, than God for the bomb. (he final threat is@ "*"ll get my brother ## the bomb." &ut of all the teaching and bullshitting, that"s the only answer we ha!e. Jell, it"s a little embarrassing. /ou see, 0B,444 students marched on the Jhite House and Lyndon Johnson was left holding the bag. "'r. Johnson, we"re 0B,444 students who ha!e marched from Annapolis, and we demand to see the bomb." "Ah"d li e to see if mahself, son." "Aw, c"mon, now, let"s see the bomb, we"re not gonna hurt anybody, we 6ust wanna ta e a few pictures, then we"ll protest, and that"s it." "Son, you gonna thin this is a lot of horseshit, but there ne!er was a bomb. (hem Hebe Hollywood writers made up the idea and they spread it around, and e!erybody got afraid of this damn bomb story. But there is no bomb. Just something we eep in the Jhite House garage. Je spent three million dollars on it, and once we got it started, it 6ust made a lot of noise and smelled up the whole house, so we ha!en"t fooled with it since." "+ow, wait a minute. /ou see, * led the 'arch, and *"!e got 0B,444 students that are protesting the bomb. So don"t tell me there"s no bomb." "Son, Ah"d li e to help you if Ah could. *f Ah had a bomb ##" "But what am * gonna tell all those poor ids out thereF (hat there"s no bombF" "(he only thing that did wor out was the button." "Jhat buttonF" "(he button that the madmen are always gonna push." "(hat"s what the bomb is ## a buttonF" "/es ## it"s a button." "Jell, goddamnit, gi!e me the b$tton" then." ".ain"t do that, son. *t"s on a boy scout"s fly. And sometime, somewhere, a fag scoutmaster is gonna blow up the world." *f the bomb is going to go off, * can"t stop it because *"m not in charge yet. 'aybe *"ll be wor ing again that night ## a +ew /ear"s )!e show. *t"ll be around 00@:4 and e!erybody"s waiting with their hats and their horns. *"!e got my scene and they"!e got theirs. +ow it"s about three minutes to go, and *"m the only one who nows about the bomb. "Ha, ha, a lot of you people didn"t get noisema ers, but *"!e got a beaut coming

up, and it"s really going to gas e!erybody. (he people who ha!en"t had the two#drin minimum, you don"t ha!e to ha!e it, all rightF And listen, you guys in the band, why don"t you go bac to the dressing room and lay on the floor for a whileF ,on"t as 8uestions, 6ust do it. $ol s, you now, a lot of you ha!e seen me wor before, but *"!e got a new bit, we"re really going to bring in the new year right" ## and then, #oooooo!& &ne guy will probably be hec ling me on his way out through the roof. And * can 6ust see the owner. "Loo , don"t do that bit anymore, we"re getting a lot of complaints. =ut bac %eligions, *nc., if you ha!e to, and .hrist !isiting earth ## the whole bit . . ." *f the 'essiah were indeed to return and wipe out all diseases, physical and mental, and do away with all man"s inhumanity to man, then, *, Lenny Bruce ## a comedian who has thri!ed both economically and egotistically upon the corruption and cruelty he condemns with humor, who spouted impassioned pleas to spare the life of .aryl .hessman and Adolf )ichmann ali e, who professed the desire to propagate assimilation and thereby e!ol!e integration ## would in truth now that * had been a parasite whose whole structure of success depended on despair@ li e J. )dgar Hoo!er and Jonas Sal E li e the trustees, wardens, death#house maintenance men, millions of policemen, uniform ma ers, court recorders, criminal#court 6udges, probation officers and district attorneys whose children 6oyously unwrap .hristmas presents under the tree bought with money earned by eeping other men from seeing their child"s face beam at a cotton angel, who would ha!e been without 6obs if no one in the world had e!er !iolated the lawE li e the &wl#%e7all#(hrifty ,rugstores, crutch ma ers, neurological surgeons and =ar e#Lilly employees on the roof of the S8uibb pharmaceutical house, ready to 6ump because the blind can see, the deaf can hear, the lame can wal E li e the ban#the# bomb people who find out there really is no bomb to ban and they don"t now what to do with their pamphlets. (he dust would gather on all the people who hold that superior moral position of ser!ing humanity, for they will ha!e become aware that their !ery e7istence, creati!e ability and symbolic status had depended wholly upon intellectual dishonesty. $or there is no anonymous gi!er, e7cept perhaps the guy who noc s up your daughter. *n the mo!ies, =orter Hall and Gene Loc hart were always successful businessmen, but )!erett Sloane was a ty%oon. He would get his gun off disillusioning Joel 'c.rea, who wanted to publish a newspaper that would ma e a statement, and telling him@ "'"boy, you"ll see when you get old that it"s all a game." And * used to thin "+o, it"s not that way, this cynical old bastard is bullshitting, there are the Good Guys and the Bad Guys, the liars and truth#tellers." But )!erett Sloane was right. (here is only what is. (he what-sho$ld-be ne!er did e7ist, but people eep trying to li!e $p to it. (here is only what is. A bron5e honor roll, blac wreaths, and those dopey green stic s with dye running that support them. 'y uncle always used to lie and say that he 6ust bought a poppy. (here is only what is. And so the figures will ne!er be in, relating to the unspo en confessions of all those criminals who purchase contracepti!es unlawfully, and willfully use them for purposes other than the pre!ention of disease.

(here is only what is. 'y friend =aul Krassner once as ed me what *"!e been influenced by in my wor . * ha!e been influenced by my father telling me that my bac would become croo ed because of my maniacal desire to masturbate. . . by reading "Glorios y, NeroL" in Little 1nnie 7ooney. . . by listening to -ncle ,on and .lifford Brown. . . by smelling the burnt shell powder at An5io and Salerno. . . torching for my e7#wife. . . gi!ing money to 'oondog as he played the upturned pails around the corner from Hanson"s at <0st and Broadway. . . getting hot loo ing at (opeye and Toots and 0asper and 0hris 0r$stie years ago. . . hearing stories about a pill they can put in the gas tan with water but the "big companies" won"t let it out ## the same big companies that ha!e the tire that lasts fore!er ## and the Giper"s fa!orite fantasy@ "'ari6uana could be legal, but the big li8uor companies won"t let it happen". . . *r!ing Berlin didn"t write all those songs, he"s got a guy loc ed in the closet. . . colored people ha!e a special odor. . . James ,ean is really ali!e in a sanatorium. . . and Hitler is waiting to boo me for si7 wee s in Argentina. . . *t was an absurd 8uestion. * am influenced by e!ery second of my wa ing hour.

"can %ote'( v)*+: =roofed carefully. (he bloc ing of 8uoted te7t is reproduced as it appeared in the boo # but its use seemed inconsistant in some areas in this edition. Along with this file, a collection of pictures from the middle of the boo were included as J=G files in one !ersion of the N*= file, labeled Hrtf#6pgI.