Basics of Counselling: Part 2

Counselling Is Not

Advice Giving (Teacher / Pupil)

Pupil wants to talk and explore the situation. Teacher’s response of saying “Best thing
you can do” effectively blocks exploration of the avenues of action, therefore ending the
discussion.

Opinion Giving (Two women)

The reply, “If I were you, I would” effectively blocks exploration of the other woman’s
thoughts on the subject. It stops constructive feedback from the troubled woman.

Sympathising (Man/Woman)

The statement, “I know how you must feel”, not only blocks but also robs the woman of
sharing and exploring her emotions.

Giving practical help (Mother/Helper)

The helper responding with action, “I can cope with the baby for you” only relieves the
immediate worry. Taking the responsibility off the person blocks exploration of how to
work through the problem. What the mother may need is space to talk about her fears of
hitting the baby.

Counselling is unique in that it assists the client in self reflection and actualisation. It is
assisting the client to work through his or her conflicts utilising their own structure. All
responsibility and accountability is left on the client’s shoulders; it is not removed by the
counsellor or any other person. Whatever the client shares or discusses is the material that
the counsellor uses. The process of counselling is therefore client centered.

The emotional world of the client is the core of the counselling process. It is therefore the
task of the counsellor to understand the clients world. This can be extremely difficult
because the symbolism of the client’s vocabulary may be slightly different from the
counsellors. Both may be saying the same words, but meaning something different.
To enter the world of the client is to, in a sense, leave your won world. It is to leave your
horizons of understanding and seek to enter the client’s. Your pre-suppositions need to be
left behind and a clean sheet opened for the client to write on. This does not mean that
your pastoral orientation is relinquished. What it does mean is that your presuppositions
and orientation do not colour what you perceive to be the client’s orientation and
presuppositions. Another way of stating this is that you require distance from your own
world to objectively look at and understand the client’s world. This being the case, the
uniqueness of counselling is that the client is assisted in working through his own
problems to discover his own solutions.

SKILLED & UNSKILLED RESPONSES

Skilled Responses

Skilled responses will help the client feel comfortable and free to respond to the
counsellor. The counsellor must project empathy and acceptance towards the client.
When the client feels that the counsellor is truly listening and understanding what he is
saying, then a foundation is laid for self exploration.

Unskilled Responses

a. ME TOO (Two Women)

The second woman immediately ‘caps’ the first woman’s story. The reply “I know what
you mean” effectively shifts the focus of attention from the first woman, and therefore
blocks her from sharing her feelings.

b. IF I WERE YOU

This is advice giving with the potent suggestion that, “I have a ready made answer” What
is usually means is, “If you were me” and again, this shifts the focus of attention.

c. YES, BUT (Husband / Wife)

The “yes, but”, is an effective block to an argument. It is agreeing with the person on the
one hand, and blocking it with the other. Again, it shifts the focus of attention.
The skilled counsellor will listen attentively and assist the client to reflect upon what he is
saying. In doing this, the counsellor is giving the client time to explore and possibly
understand his anxiety. He does not fall into the trap of the “yes, but “syndrome i.e. “yes,
I understand, but have you read this verse in scripture” When appropriate, scripture, in a
pastoral context, is a useful tool and has assisted clients in understanding their specific
problem. However, to just block the client’s train of thought by pulling out a well proven
verse is to block your ministry.

If you were in a boat and a young man fell in the water and was drowning, and after
crying for help, went under for the third time, you wouldn’t say, “yes, but, have you
read……. “because – is that really ministry ? In certain circumstances, to be only
prophetic is to be unscriptural. The book of James in the New Testament bears this out.

When listening to a client share deep concerns in his life, to say “me too” may not be an
appropriate response. To testify of the providence of God may be appropriate in an
ecclesiastical setting, but in a counselling session, it may block the client’s only avenue of
self expression. We, as counsellors, are here to listen, not to compete with our clients. At
appropriate times, sharing your own story is a means of saying you understand the
client’s story, but, it must be used with much tact and self discipline.

Prof. Lakshman Madurasinghe , PhD