Mozart's Don Giovanni: Alternate Ending

A modified version of that envisioned by Chris Callanan's First Year Seminar II class, Spring 2007

Scene 1 – Don Giovanni's House

Don Giovanni has just been dragged down to Hell by the Commendatore's statue.
Donna Elvira, Donna Anna, Don Ottavio, Zerlina, and Masetto enter, accompanied by police officials.

Donna Elvira, Donna Anna, Don Ottavio, Zerlina, Masetto

Where's the scoundrel?
Hand him over at once!

Leporello
He's long gone;
You'll never get him now.

Donna Elvira, et al.

What happened? Tell us quickly!

Leporello
Well, we met a talking statue in a graveyard,
and Don Giovanni must've been been drunk,
because he had me invite him to dinner.
So the next night, we were sitting at table

filled with the cook's finest food.

The musicians were playing music
when we heard a rapping at the door.
Don Giovanni went to answer it,
for I was hiding under the table.
The statue had taken the invitation!
So Don Giovanni invited him in,
but he would not eat. Instead
he tried to get my master to repent!
But Don Giovanni refused,
so now he has been taken
away from the mortal plane
and the floor is scorched
and the carpets singed
and I've lost my dinner.

Don Ottavio
Now the miscreant is dead!
We can marry, Anna.

Donna Anna
I am glad that this dreadful business is over,
but let's not rush ourselves.
Let us wait another year
so that I may recover from my beloved father's death.

Police Officer
Well, now that's settled,
who's up for a beer?
There's a tavern down the street.

Leporello
I could certainly use one.
Besides, I am in need of a new master.
Perhaps I shall find one there.

Scene 2 – Zerlina and Masetto's Household

Zerlina and Masetto enter

Masetto and Zerlina

Now that that miscreant has been justly punished
We may indulge in the sacred bonds of marriage!
(They fumble with their clothes. Masetto looks at Zerlina's crotch.)

Masetto
My God, woman!
You're a man!

Zerlina
Whatever do you mean?
I know you're mad, Masetto,
but there's no need to question my femininity.

Masetto
You little minx! You hussy!
You've always meant trouble for me!
And now I'll never live this down!
(He picks up a basket of apples that he had picked last Saturday, and starts throwing them at Zerlina,
chasing her out of the house.)

Scene 3 – Donna Elvira's bedroom

Donna Elvira enters and sits on her bed.

Donna Elvira
What a day!
I sure am tired.

Spirit of Don Giovanni

Boo!

Donna Elvira
Ah!
Spirit of Don Giovanni
Scared you, didn't I?

Donna Elvira
Don Giovanni, you scoundrel!
Aren't you dead?

Spirit of Don Giovanni

That's got to be the most astounding observation of the year!
Showing your brilliance again, I see.

Donna Elvira
Don't tease me!

Spirit of Don Giovanni

Whatever.
I wanted to be an incubus,
but that Commendatore guy had connections
that prevented me from it.
So then I petitioned to be a poltergeist
but that occupation was full.
So they made me a wraith.
Boo!

Donna Elvira
Ah!

Spirit of Don Giovanni

So I figured I'd go haunt you first.
After all, it's your fault that
I never got with that peasant-girl.

Donna Elvira
Zerlina?
Rumor mill has it that she
is actually a he.

Spirit of Don Giovanni

Really? Whatever.
She wore a skirt.
Boo!

Donna Elvira
Ah!
(She throws herself out the window.)

Spirit of Don Giovanni

Crazy woman.
(He peers out the window at Zerlina's corpse.)
Scene 4 – Tavern
The tavern is bustling with patrons. A group of policemen sit at one table. A very drunk Leporello sits
in one corner, nursing a vat of ale. Next to him is a sign that reads “will work for ale”. Donna Elvira's
spirit enters.

Spirit of Donna Elvira

Oh, woe is me!
Unloved by that treacherous Don Giovanni.

Leporello
(Hic)Spare a few coins, miss?

Spirit of Donna Elvira

I am all alone in this cruel, cold world!

Leporello
(Hic) You know anyone who (hic) needs a servant?

Spirit of Donna Elvira

Abandoned by a cruel, unrepentant sinner!
(She floats away.)

Leporello
Crazy (hic) woman.

Scene 5 – Don Ottavio's home

Don Ottavio and Donna Anna sit on a couch in the living room.

Don Ottavio
Perhaps we could marry in six months?
That would be adequate time to mourn.

Donna Anna
No, no, I am weighed with the burden
of my beloved father's death.
I may require two years
before I can live normally again.

Donna Elvira's spirit floats in.

Donna Elvira
Oh, I am the most wretched of women!

Donna Anna
Well, at least your father's still alive.

Don Ottavio
Perhaps seven months, then?

Donna Elvira
No one knows how much pain weighs in my sorrowed heart.

Donna Anna
My father just died!
My heart's sorrowed even more!

Don Ottavio
Eight months?

Donna Elvira
I am encumbered with the
grief of true love forever lost.
(She floats out.)

Don Ottavio and Donna Anna

Crazy woman.

Scene 6 – Lincolnshire, England

Zerlina runs in, followed by some poorly aimed apples. A passerby walks up to hir.

Zerlina
I think I've finally lost him!

Passerby
What's your name, boy?

Zerlina
((S)he looks at the shops around the road. One of them is named “Isaac's Newts and Apothecary”.)
Er... Isaac Newt..on.

Passerby
Isaac Newton, eh? Nice to meet you. I'm Henry More.

Zerlina- er, Isaac- picks up an apple and bites into it.

Zerlina
These are pretty good.

Scene 7 – Leipzig, Saxony

Masetto walks into the town.

Masetto
That Zerlina minx!
I always knew she'd be the end of me.
I can't go back to Seville now.
I'd be the laughingstock of the town!
(He looks around.)
I suppose this is as good of a place
as any to settle down.
I'll need a new name, though.
Something German...
Like Friedrich, or Gottfried.
Gottfried. I like that.
Gottfried... Leibniz.
Gottfried Leibniz.