It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia "Charlie Marries A Tweaker" - Unofficial Spec Script

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
"Charlie Marries a Tweaker"

written by
Sam Bibo
Based on,
It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia
Created by:
Rob McElhenney, Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton
SILENT BLANKET PRODUCTIONS
31147 Nice Avenue
Mentone, CA 92359 04 28, 2014
COLD OPEN
TITLE: 1:00 pm
TITLE: On a Tuesday
TITLE: Philadelphia, PA
OVER TITLES, WE HEAR:
MAC (V.O.)
So Im like you dont think I can
bench three plates? Watch this,
bitches.
FADE IN:
INT. PADDYS PUB - DAY
Mac and Dennis sit by the bar, nursing a pint. Mac puts his
hands out in front of him simulating a bench press.
DENNIS
Uh huh.
MAC
Yeah, so I get in the zone.
Mac, wide eyed, shakes his head and puffs in and out a few
times.
MAC (CONTD)
And boom!
Mac shakes as he vividly simulates his bench press, grunting
like a wild animal as he pushes the invisible weights up in
front of him. Then he pauses for a second, smiling.
DENNIS
(expectantly)
And...
MAC
(prideful)
Thats it!
All Rights Reserved Silent Blanket Productions 2014
DENNIS
Oh.
Dennis takes a drink. Mac looks at him in disbelief.
MAC
(laughing)
Oh?
DENNIS
Yeah.
Mac, taken aback pulls his head back like an ostrich.
MAC
Its kind of a big deal.
DENNIS
Its kind of not.
MAC
Actually, it kind of is. Three plates,
bro!
DENNIS
Right, I get that and all Im saying
is benching three plates one time, and
barely doing that by the looks of it,
is not that impressive.
MAC
Whatever, dude. You suck.
Sweet Dee enters with a rag and starts clearing off the
counter.
MAC (CONTD)
Hey Dee, I benched three plates today.
IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA - SPEC - "CHARLIE MARRIES A TWEAKER"
4/28/14 2.
SWEET DEE
Why the shit would I care?
DENNIS
(laughing)
See, I told you dude, nobody gives a
shit!
MAC
Oh yeah well screw you guys! I give a
shit.
Frank enters the bar.
FRANK
Hey, have any of you guys seen Charlie
lately? He hasnt been home in over a
week.
Mac, Dennis, and Dee all shake their heads.
MAC
Come to think of it, it has been a
while.
SWEET DEE
Well, should we be worried?
DENNIS
Psh, no way.
MAC
You know what, I bet he locked himself
down in the basement again. Ill go
check.
CUT TO:
4/28/14 3.
BASEMENT
The gang looks around the basement. Its trashed with a
surplus of empty glue containers, and shredded paper piled on
the floor. The gang all call for Charlie.
SWEET DEE
Cmon Charlie. Come out.
MAC
Well I dont think hes here.
Dennis walks over to the pile of glue containers.
DENNIS
But he was.
FRANK (O.C.)
Look gang, I think I found something!
The gang rushes over to Frank. He holds up a piece of paper.
SWEET DEE
Its a note!
MAC
Well, open it!
Frank opens the note and squints.
FRANK
Yeah, this is definitely Charlie, I
cant read a thing.
DENNIS
(frustrated)
Well, give it to me.
Dennis snatches the note from Frank. He scrunches his face.
4/28/14 4.
DENNIS (CONTD)
Okay, geez lets see here. Tired life I
am. No more go on. Uh. Jump. Walt
Whitman Bridge. Goodbye. Forever.
SWEET DEE
Holy shit! Charlie killed himself.
FRANK
(distraught)
Oh Charlie, no!
DENNIS
(laughing)
No shit, Dee.
SWEET DEE
Why are you laughing, ass hole?
FRANK
Yeah what the hell, Dennis?
MAC
Cmon dude, not cool.
DENNIS
Oh, nothing its just that, well,
Charlie jumped off the wrong bridge.
SWEET DEE
What?
MAC
Oh, yeah, no hes right. Everyone
knows if your going to jump, you jump
off the Ben Franklin.
4/28/14 5.
FRANK
Oh yeah.
Dee looks at them in disbelief.
SWEET DEE
Are you ass holes kidding me? Did you
all forget that our FRIEND, CHARLIE
might be dead?
The gang pauses.
DENNIS
(shrugs)
Eh.
SWEET DEE
You dicks are unbelievable.
Dee storms off.
MAC
Whats her problem?
ALL shrug.
CUT TO:
MAIN TITLE
Title: Charlie Marries a Tweaker
Title: Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia
4/28/14 6.
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
INT. PADDYS PUB - LATER
The gang enters the bar.
DENNIS
Well that was a massive waste of time.
MAC
Yeah I cant believe we didnt find
anything.
SWEET DEE
Why arent we telling the police
again?
FRANK
Because Deandra, they might find a way
to blame it on us. And Im not going
to jail.
MAC
Yeah, they would eat you alive.
We see Charlie hanging his head over the bar, drinking a
beer.
SWEET DEE
Charlie, youre alive!
The gang rushes over to him. Charlie tilts his head at them.
His face is dirty and tired looking.
CHARLIE
(depressed)
Oh, hey guys.
The gang flinches.
4/28/14 7.
MAC
Wow Charlie, you look like shit.
The gang nods in agreement.
CHARLIE
Oh, yeah well I guess that happens
when you fall 378 feet into the
Delaware River.
FRANK
Shit, you jumped?
CHARLIE
Yeah, well not exactly. Ill tell you.
It all started the other day. I was
digging through the dumpsters behind
the Waitresss apartment.
SWEET DEE
Wait, why were you digging through the
Waitresss garbage?
CHARLIE
Because I was looking for a DNA
sample. Ugh, look its not important.
Charlie gets flustered.
CHARLIE (CONTD)
Anyway as I was saying...
CUT TO:
FLASHBACK: EXT. ALLEY BY WAITRESSS APARTMENT - DAY
Charlie quickly sifts through the garbage, looking over his
shoulder every few seconds.
4/28/14 8.
CHARLIE (V.O.)
Im digging through the Waitress's
trash when...
Charlie hears the waitress giggling not too far off. He
quickly covers himself up with trash.
The waitress and a HANDSOME MAN walk down the street holding
hands laughing. They stop in front of Charlie. The man turns
and looks the waitress in her eyes.
HANDSOME MAN
These past few weeks have been the
best of my life.
WAITRESS
Mine too. I really like being around
you.
Charlies eyes dart underneath a news paper.
HANDSOME MAN
I feel the same way. And so Ive been
thinking.
The man bends down on one knee. The waitress covers her mouth
in surprise. The man pulls out a small ring box. And opens
it.
HANDSOME MAN (CONTD)
Will you marry me?
The waitress smiles widely.
WAITRESS
(excited)
I dont know what to say, ye--
Charlie jumps out of the garbage.
4/28/14 9.
CHARLIE
(yells)
No!
The waitress and man look over at Charlie.
HANDSOME MAN
What the?
WAITRESS
(angry)
Charlie, what the hell are you doing?
CHARLIE
What the hell am I doing? What the
hell are you doing?
WAITRESS
What does it look like? Im on a date.
The man stands up.
HANDSOME MAN
This guy bothering you?
The man walks toward Charlie.
WAITRESS
Yeah, no hes--
CHARLIE
Hey you stay out of this man, this is
between me and the waitress.
WAITRESS
Ugh, Charlie how many times? There is
no you and me. There will never be a
you and me.
4/28/14 10.
CHARLIE
Yeah, but never doesnt really mean
never. I mean a lot of people said
Louis Armstrong could never ride his
bike on the moon but--
WAITRESS
(confused)
What? That doesnt even make any
sense. Charlie, you need to get out of
here or else my boyfri--
The waitress smiles at the man.
WAITRESS (CONTD)
FIANCE will kick your ass.
That hits Charlie like a tsunami.
CHARLIE
(stuttering)
Fiance? This guy? Really?
The waitress grabs the mans hands.
WAITRESS
Yes really, Charlie. Because he
listens to me, and treats me nicely,
and most importantly DOESNT STALK ME.
CHARLIE
(mumbling)
Yeah, but I dont stalk you. I just
look out for yo--
WAITRESS
Charlie, get out of here.
4/28/14 11.
Charlie stands hanging his head and muttering some gibberish.
HANDSOME MAN
You heard her man, get out of here.
Charlie looks at the waitress teary eyed, then turns around
and starts walking away.
HANDSOME MAN (CONTD)
That was weird.
The man and waitress kiss.
BACK TO:
PADDYS PUB
SWEET DEE
I cant believe that bitch waitress is
engaged again, and I cant even get a
guy to talk to me!
DENNIS
Come on Dee, are you really surprised?
SWEET DEE
Hey screw you Dennis!
MAC
You are pretty gross Dee.
FRANK
And kind of a bitch.
CHARLIE
(yelling)
Can I continue?
The gang looks at Charlie in shock.
4/28/14 12.
CHARLIE (CONTD)
Thank you. So I came back here and
locked myself in the basement.
CUT TO:
FLASHBACK: INT. BASEMENT
Charlie sits on the floor of the basement, crying and
sniffing glue. Empty glue containers surround him on the
floor.
CHARLIE (V.O.)
I dont even know how long I was down
there.
Charlie tweaks out, then lifts up a pen and piece of paper
and starts writing. He stops and looks at the camera, crazy
eyed.
CHARLIE
She never appreciated me when I was
here. Maybe she will when Im gone.
CUT TO:
EXT. WALT WHITMAN BRIDGE - NIGHT
Charlie stands alone on the edge of the bridge holding a glue
container. He takes a very long sniff.
CHARLIE
Looks like its the end. Id like to
say it was a good run but my whole
lifes actually been pretty shitty,
so, uh, screw you Philly.
Charlie jabs his middle finger in the air. Then two shining
angels float on screen out of nowhere: QUESTLOVE and BLACK
THOUGHT from The Roots. Quest and Thought both wave their
arms at Charlie.
4/28/14 13.
BLACK THOUGHT
Hey man, what the hell are you doing?
Charlie looks at them, then rubs his eyes, and looks again.
CHARLIE
Holy shit, I gotta stop sniffing so
much glue.
QUESTLOVE
Charlie you dont want to do this.
CHARLIE
Hey, how do you know my name?
BLACK THOUGHT
Were your guardian angels, Charlie.
CHARLIE
Oh. Hey I didnt know there were black
angels.
QUESTLOVE
Why wouldnt there be? Gods black.
Charlie looks wide eyed.
MAC (V.O.)
Bull shit.
BACK TO:
PADDYS PUB
Mac stomps around the room.
MAC
That is bull shit. Its not true.
SWEET DEE
Jesus, Mac. Whats your problem?
4/28/14 14.
MAC
(angry)
God isnt black Charlie, he just
isnt.
CHARLIE
Hey chill out man Im just telling you
what the angels said.
MAC
Yeah, well whatever. Thats blasphemy,
youre going to hell dude.
DENNIS
Mac, calm down.
FRANK
Yeah, I want to hear about Charlies
angels.
CHARLIE
Yeah, okay so anyway.
CUT TO:
FLASHBACK: EXT. WALT WHITMAN BRIDGE
BLACK THOUGHT
What, you got a problem with black
people?
CHARLIE
What? Me? No, I love black people.
Love, love, love, them you know. Just
cant get enough of that BBC.
Charlie immediately regrets his words. Quest and Thought look
disgusted.
4/28/14 15.
QUESTLOVE
Whoa, hold on there, Charlie. Were
black not gay.
Charlie catches himself with a stupid smile on his face.
CHARLIE
Yeah, no, of course you arent. I
mean, Im not either. I just meant.
Charlie does the snorting thing.
QUESTLOVE
Hey, calm down, calm down. Its okay
Charlie. Were just here to tell you
that you dont need to jump.
CHARLIE
(whining)
Yeah but the waitress.
QUESTLOVE
Well you know how to fix that right?
CHARLIE
No, I have no idea! Thats why Im up
here.
QUESTLOVE
Oh, well its obvious. You have to
trash that guys apartment.
CHARLIE
Really?
BLACK THOUGHT
If you trash it, she will come.
4/28/14 16.
Charlie scratches his head.
CHARLIE
Well alright, I dont really see how
that would help, but you guys are the
angels I guess.
BLACK THOUGHT
You bet your ass we are.
Charlie thinks for a second.
CHARLIE
I dont know he seemed like a good
guy.
The angels raise their eyebrows.
CHARLIE (CONTD)
Alright, Ill do it.
QUESTLOVE
There you go.
Charlie starts jumping up and down.
CHARLIE
(excited)
Yeah, thats what Ill do, thanks gu--
A beer can flung from a passing car hits Charlie on the back
of the head. He plummets toward the river. The angels watch
as he falls.
BLACK THOUGHT
Oh shit.
Charlie splashes in the water. The angels cringe, then shrug
and disappear into the sky.
END OF ACT ONE
4/28/14 17.
ACT TWO
EXT. ABANDONED ALLEY - DAY
Charlie lays asleep on a pile of trash in a dirty back alley.
A mangy stray dog nibbles on his pant leg. Charlie shoots
upright, awake.
CHARLIE
Oh god!
Charlie looks around, disoriented. He shoos away the dog.
CHARLIE (CONTD)
(rubbing his head)
Where am I?
An arm emerges around Charlies shoulder, and MARTHA, an old
homeless woman pulls herself up, smiling a toothy grin.
MARTHA
Good morning, big boy.
Charlie looks at Martha then jumps up screaming.
CHARLIE
Where am I?
MARTHA
(standing)
Were by the railyard.
We see that Martha has an old polaroid CAMERA around her
neck.
CHARLIE
Did we?
MARTHA
You bet your sweet tush.
Martha reaches over and SMACKS Charlie on the ASS. He barks.
4/28/14 18.
CHARLIE
(pacing)
Oh god, oh god, oh god. What is going
on?
MARTHA
(holding up camera)
I have polaroids.
Charlie looks back at Martha disregarding her statement.
CHARLIE
Thats great. Ugh, I cant remember
anything.
Martha walks toward Charlie in an old, creepy way.
MARTHA
Oh, poor dear. Let me rub your back.
Martha begins to rub his back. Charlie shrugs her off.
CHARLIE
No, please dont.
Charlie pauses to think.
CHARLIE (CONTD)
Look, I have no idea whats going on,
or how I got here. All I know is that
I need to get back to Paddys and try
and figure all of this out.
Charlie walks off, Martha follows.
MARTHA
Oh Paddys sound nice.
CHARLIE
Yeah, well youre not coming.
4/28/14 19.
Martha hangs her head.
MARTHA
Oh. When will you be back?
Charlie stops in place and turns around.
CHARLIE
Back? Im never coming back here
again.
Charlie starts walking.
CHARLIE (CONTD)
(shaking head)
Weird old lady.
Marta starts following.
MARTHA
Wait!
Charlie stops and turns around.
CHARLIE
What?
MARTHA
(teary)
I just dont know what I did.
Charlie sighs, feeling bad.
CHARLIE
Oh shit, well I didnt think youd get
upset.
MARTHA
What wife wouldnt be upset to learn
her husband is leaving her?
4/28/14 20.
CHARLIE
(oblivious)
Ah ha.
(realizes)
Wait, whos your husband?
Martha wipes a tear from her face.
MARTHA
You are Charlie. Dont you remember?
CHARLIE
(oblivious)
Ah ha.
(realizes)
Oh shit!
MARTHA
I have polaroids.
BACK TO:
PADDYS PUB
The gang stands engaged in Charlies story.
MAC
Holy shit Charlie! What did you do?
Martha walks on screen from the bathroom. The gang looks at
her.
DENNIS
Jesus, you brought her here?
CHARLIE
(frustrated)
I didnt know what to do!
Martha slowly hobbles toward the gang.
4/28/14 21.
MARTHA
Arent you going to introduce me to
your friends, Charlie?
CHARLIE
Oh yeah, right. Gang this is Martha,
Martha this is the gang.
MARTHA
Its nice to finally meet Charlies
friends, hes told me so me so much
about you.
The gang forces smiles at Martha and reluctantly greet her.
SWEET DEE
Yeah, you too. Martha, do you mind if
we talk to Charlie alone for a second?
MARTHA
Sure.
(lifts camera)
I have polaroids.
The gang huddles around Charlie whispering.
CHARLIE
(frustrated)
She keeps saying that. I have no idea
what it means.
DENNIS
You seriously dont know what-- look
never mind thats not important.
4/28/14 22.
MAC
Charlie, you need to divorce this
gross old lady.
SWEET DEE
(disgusted)
Yeah she is... Somthing else.
CHARLIE
I know that, you guys think I dont
know that? She doesnt want to though.
DENNIS
Well thats too bad. Youre the man,
you say what goes.
SWEET DEE
Well thats nice, ass hole. You know
she has a say too.
MAC
Shut up Dee!
DENNIS
Yeah no one asked you.
FRANK
Whos side are you on?
SWEET DEE
Well Charlies obviously. But Im just
saying, you cant just treat-
DENNIS
Im just saying blah blah blah. Look
this is the man zone.
4/28/14 23.
MAC
All men all the time.
SWEET DEE
Yeah, well I can see that since
theres never any chicks in the bar.
CHARLIE
Guys!
DENNIS
Right, we got to get you divorced.
FRANK
Charlie, did you sign a pre-nup?
CHARLIE
Did I sign a pre-nup? I dont know I
cant remember! I dont think so.
MAC
Oh well thats no good.
CHARLIE
Its not? Why not?
MAC
Well when you get divorced, she can
take half of all your shit.
DENNIS
Yeah remember Maureen Ponderosa? Im
still paying off her debt.
SWEET DEE
Wait I thought that was alimony?
4/28/14 24.
DENNIS
It doesnt matter what it is Dee.
FRANK
Charlie, she could take the apartment.
MAC
Look, theres a chance Charlie signed
a pre nup and just forgot. Lets go
down to the divorce court and check it
out.
CHARLIE
Dude, shes not going to do that.
MAC
She will if we trick her. I have an
idea. Dennis, you still carry around
your sleep mask?
Dennis smiles and pulls a SLEEP MASK out of his back pocket.
DENNIS
Got it right here.
MAC
Good.
The gang breaks and Mac and Dennis approach Martha who is
looking through POLAROIDS.
DENNIS
Hey Martha, hows it going?
Martha peers up.
4/28/14 25.
MARTHA
Oh good, honey. Im just looking
through my polaroids.
MAC
Gee thats great. Hey so we were
thinking we should take you to lunch.
You know, to celebrate you and Charlie
getting married and all.
MARTHA
(surprised)
That would be wonderful.
DENNIS
Great. Now we want it to be a surprise
so...
Dennis puts the mask on Martha.
DENNIS (CONTD)
Were going to need you to wear this
until we get there.
MARTHA
Oh, I love surprises.
Martha puts her hands out to feel the way.
DENNIS
(under breath)
Not this one.
MARTHA
Whats that dear?
MAC
Oh, he said please, come.
4/28/14 26.
Mac grabs Marthas arm and leads her away. He and Dennis wink
and shoot their fingers at each other as if they were guns.
INT. DIVORCE COURT - LATER
The gang enters the busy court room. It is filled with tons
of unhappy couples yelling at each other. Martha has her arm
around Charlies. His other arm holds a WALKMAN with
HEADPHONES.
MARTHA
(leans in)
Are we there yet Charlie?
Martha tries to take off the mask but Charlie stops her.
CHARLIE
Almost. Hey do you like Blues
Traveler?
MARTHA
I do.
CHARLIE
Great, here.
Charlie puts the HEADPHONES over Marthas head and hands her
the WALKMAN. Martha bobs her head to the song.
Mac and Dennis approach the black woman, SHIONE, sitting
behind the counter.
DENNIS
Hey, hows it going...
Dennis reads the name tag.
DENNIS (CONTD)
(struggling)
Shione?
4/28/14 27.
SHIONE
(attitude)
Actually its Cheyenne. What can I help
you with today?
MAC
Oh, well our friends Charlie got him
self in a little bit of trouble lately
and married a homeless lady--
DENNIS
Long story short, Charlie needs a
divorce.
SHIONE
(sassy)
Uh huh. Well Ill need to see his
marriage certificate and a valid state
I.D.
DENNIS
Right.
(yells over shoulder)
Charlie, she needs the marriage
certificate.
CHARLIE
(yells)
What?
MAC
The marriage certificate!
CHARLIE
Oh. We dont have one of those!
4/28/14 28.
DENNIS
What!?
CHARLIE
A marriage certificate! We dont have
one.
SHIONE
If they never signed a marriage
certificate then technically, they
arent married.
MAC
(excited)
What?
DENNIS
Well thats great!
MAC
(yelling over shoulder)
Charlie, you arent married!
CHARLIE
What!?
MAC/DENNIS
You arent--
DENNIS
Look this is a waste of time.
(to Shione)
Thanks.
SHIONE
Dont mention it.
Dennis and Mac approach Charlie and the gang.
4/28/14 29.
MAC
Charlie, because you never signed a
marriage certificate you and Martha
were never legally married.
CHARLIE
(excited)
We werent? Well thats great!
The gang bounces up and down in excitement.
SWEET DEE
Wait what are we going to do about
Martha?
The gang looks over at Martha, who is oblivious due to the
music and mask. She still bobs her head to the music. The
gang slowly sneaks away, out the door, watching her.
MARTHA
Charlie? Can I take these off now?
Charlie?
FADE TO BLACK.
END OF ACT TWO
4/28/14 30.
TAG
FADE IN:
INT. PADDYS PUB - LATER
The gang sits around the bar, Frank, Mac, and Dennis drinking
beer on the stools and Charlie and Dee on the other side.
FRANK
You really dodged a bullet there
Charlie. Getting married was the worst
thing to ever happen to me.
DENNIS
Yeah Frank but then you wouldnt have
met us.
Frank turns his head to look at Dennis.
FRANK
(shrugs)
Eh.
SWEET DEE
Bitter old man.
MAC
Hey Charlie, you might want to get
tested. Who knows wha--
The waitress quickly enters the bar.
WAITRESS
(angry)
Charlie, what the hell?
CHARLIE
What did I do this time?
The waitress stops and points at Charlie.
4/28/14 31.
WAITRESS
You know exactly what you did.
CHARLIE
Uh no, I dont. This weeks been a
little crazy for me so...
WAITRESS
You wrecked Chads apartment!
CHARLIE
Chad? Whos Chad?
WAITRESS
Whos Chad? My fiance... or should I
say ex-fiance. He dumped me Charlie.
CHARLIE
(fakes sympathy)
Oh well Im sorry to hear that.
WAITRESS
Well you should be sorry. Its your
fault!
CHARLIE
(doubtful)
I dont know--
DENNIS
(laughing)
Wait, you were seriously going to
marry a guy named Chad?
MAC
What a douchy name.
4/28/14 32.
SWEET DEE
Yeah, tell me about it.
The waitress gives the gang the stink eye.
WAITRESS
Yeah, well I cant be waiting around
for you forever, Dennis.
DENNIS
(sipping beer)
I have no idea what that means.
WAITRESS
Of, course you dont Dennis, because
you guys are ass holes. Every single
one of you!
The waitress moves toward the exit.
WAITRESS (CONTD)
One day youll all get whats coming
to you! Mark my words, one day!
The waitress exits.
DENNIS
But seriously Charlie, you should get
tested.
Charlie thinks for a second.
CHARLIE
(shrugs)
Eh.
FADE TO BLACK.
END OF EPISODE
4/28/14 33.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia "Charlie Marries A Tweaker" - Unofficial Spec Script

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IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

"Charlie Marries a Tweaker"

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