Amendment 99

A lot of people have a lot to say about the government. They tell you about
what the government is and what it does and what it's about. But most of
those people don't really get to the crux of the matter. You know what I mean?
There's a matter. And there's a crux. And most people who bring up the matter
don't get to the matter's crux. They're busy getting to the matter's non-crux.
Ain't no crux in the equation. By the way--there's an equation. Let's do some
inventory. There's an equation, a matter, a crux, and a non-crux. And I think
there's also some sort of whole enchilada. But the point is, the equation is
cruxless. People bring up the matter, and they eat a little of the enchilada--but
as for the crux, they don't get to it. They don't get to the crux of the matter. So
now I'm gonna cruxify the matter for you. We're gonna get to the crux. The
crux of the matter. Although now that I think about it, I'm not sure I know
what the word "crux" means. What the hell is a crux? I definitely know what
"enchilada" means. An enchilada is a food that's a lot like a burrito--except for
the fact that is a freaking burrito. Yeah. It is. Just order a combination plate,
and you'll see how an enchilada is a burrito--and it's also a soft taco, and
probably a chalupa.
Anyways, let's get to the crux of the matter. What's the one thing our
government cares about the most? Well, it sure as hell ain't a burrito--I'll tell
you that right now. So what is it? I'll give you a clue. Let's say you're on a
reality show where every day you hang out near the White House and burn
fifty American flags while punching a life size Obama doll in the face--and
then you head on down to a Capitol Hill Krispy Kreme, and pour a gallon of
coffee and shove a dozen donuts down your throat. What'll the government
do? Nothing. No one will even send you a text that says, "Just a reminder,
donut boy: we told you to eat five servings of fruits and vegetables a day."
Now, let's say instead of doing all that stuff, you raise the Stars and Stripes
outside your home, you save Obama's life, you eat a pound of carrots, and you
have three cents in unpaid taxes. What'll the government do? Well, at 3:00,
Obama will shake your hand for saving his life. At 3:10, he'll tell you to get out
of his office. And at 3:11, Uncle Sam will wrap a flag around your neck and
squeeze until three pennies pop out of your ass. Because here's some crux for
you: when it comes to money, the government is gonna get paid, and it won't
make exceptions for anyone. They won't make exceptions for you. Or even
Obama. Or even the Cruxman himself, George Washington. The IRS ranks
higher than the President, the crux, the matter, and the whole enchilada. If
they find out that George Washington owes three cents, then they'll dig up his
corpse, take his wooden teeth, and chop down his cherry tree.
The love of money is the root of all government. If they bill you $10,000 and
you pay $9,999.97, then the IRS's inquisition will make a stop at your house
and beat your ass. But if you pay all your taxes and throw in a 20% tip, they
won't even send you a text that says, "Thanks for the extra $2,000. You know
what? Your next Budweiser is on us. And the next time your parking meter is
about to expire, we'll put in a quarter." If you have a job, they act like you're
out on the street working for them. Every time you get a paycheck, Uncle Sam
tells you, "Give me my cash and get back to work, bitch!" Are you sure he's
your Uncle? Maybe he's your pimp. Is it Uncle Sam, or Daddy Sam? At the
IRS, they secretly refer to all taxpayers as "ho's." As in, "This ho is hiding
money! I better notify our Department of Slap a Ho and Audit a Ho."
You know how come charities send you a letter each month that says, "Thank
you for your $20 donation. We used the money to give Miguelito ten history
lessons, two flu vaccines, ten bowls of beans, eight bowls of rice, two pairs of
jeans, another pair of pants, 15 chalupas, and one trip to France." I think the
government should send you a letter every year that says, "Thank you for
working 2,000 hours this year, and paying us $10,000 in income taxes. We
used the money to buy three bananas, two potato peelers, and one yellow
balloon, bitch."
Here's what the government does tell us. "Last year, we lost $1.6 trillion and
500,000 jobs. This year, we only lost $1.5 trillion and 400,000 jobs. We
reduced the deficit and slowed down the job loss rate. Now we're gonna
celebrate. Someone pop open the champagne, peel the potatoes, and break out
the yellow balloon." I wonder what would happen if some guy tried that with
his wife. "Honey--I slept with 8 women this month, compared to 10 women
last month. My infidelity rate is down 20%. And my herpes rate is down 50%.
And I only took $5 out of your purse today, instead of the usual $20. Aren't
you glad you married me? Now go peel me some potatoes!"
How did the Founding Fathers' democracy lead to a potato peeler
government? Let's look into the matter, and see if we can get to the crux.
OK. In the 1760s, the British told America, "Give us money. A lot of money.
Dolla dolla bill, y'all. Cheery cheerio, chaps." Then in 1773, some Americans in
Boston told the British, "Tell King George that if he wants to eat Cheerios,
we're ain't paying for them. It's party time here in Boston. You see these boxes
of tax-inflated tea? You see this harbor? You see our middle fingers? There you
go. Splash. USA! USA!" And then on July 4th, 1776, the Founding Fathers sent
the British a letter that said, "All dolla dolla bills are gonna stay right here in
our American pant pant pockets. We declare independence. We're the land of
the free, home of the brave, land of the brave, home of the free, home of the
land of the free and the brave, we have guns, and this is America! Piss off!
Sincerely, Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, John Hancock, and A Few
Dozen Other Wig Wearing, Beer Drinking, Soccer Hating, Pissed Off Patriots."
And the British sent back a letter that said, "Firstly, we'd like to compliment
Mr. Hancock on his impressive penmanship. We especially enjoyed the swirly
business at the end of his K. Very nice. Kudos to him and his K. And secondly,
it appears as if we have ourselves a bit of a disagreement. The thing is,
we're Great Britain. We're great. Are you guys great? No. You're not
great. We're great. You guys aren't even good. You're not Good America, or
even OK America. You're just America. Therefore, we, Great Britain, refuse to
piss off. Now give us our cash and get back to work, you American bitches!"
Then the colonies won the Revolutionary War and passed the Constitution. It
says, "This is America! Alright? Now let's get to the crux of the matter. Around
here, we don't pay tea taxes. And we don't watch foreign movies. We
Americanize them. 'Cause George Washington doesn't want to watch
Frenchmen eating croissants. He wants to see Americans drinking gravy
straight out of a gravy boat. USA! USA! Also, around here, we don't believe in
all that king and queen bullshit. We go with the people's bullshit. So we're
gonna vote, and be represented by a President and Congress. But wait. There's
more. Americans have the right to say shit, not say shit, vote for shit, keep
their shit, shoot shit, and drink shit. And they can't be punished for shit before
they're convicted of it, tried for shit after they've been acquitted of it, or
whipped and tarred and feathered for shit after they've been convicted of it."
OK. I think we're getting closer to the crux. We're getting there. Let's continue.
There's a Constitution. Nowadays, we have the right to vote for shit. You, John
Q. Public, and Kool & the Gang pay your taxes, watch CNN, go to a polling
booth, and cast your votes for President This Guy, Senator So and So, and
Congressman Whoever. Then they hang out in DC. The fiscal year ends. They
put out a financial report that most of us don't read. And it says, "We spent $4
trillion to give you a military, some money for low earners and senior citizens,
a little health care, a lot of cheap corn, an occasional rocket to the moon, and
PBS specials about llamas, Louis XIV's reupholstered sofas, and Lorenzo de
Medici's favorite pasta dishes." And then the politicians have a press
conference where they announce to you, "Last year, we went into your home,
unzipped our pants, and took a piss on your sofa once a week. This year, we
took a piss on your chair once a month. We reduced the piss-on-your-
furniture rate."
Hmm. I don't know about you, Mr. Public, Mr. Kool, and Mr. The Gang--but
as for me, Mr. Washington, Mr. Jefferson, and Mr. Hancock, we smell
something a little unconstitutional about all of this. And I smell a lot of piss on
my chair. I think we need to let those politicians know that if they want to pee,
they better do it in a toilet. And if they run up a $4 trillion bill, they better
deliver us $4 trillion worth of shit. $4 trillion in, $4 trillion out. It ain't magic.
We're not asking the government to take a hat, and then pull out a rabbit that
lays a goose that lays a $4 trillion golden egg. We just want to see the
government put a quarter in their left hand, and then not make that quarter
disappear.
Here's an idea. Let's hogtie Uncle Sam, and drop that son of a bitch off at
Walmart. That'll fix the budget. Do you know how much you can get at
Walmart for $4 trillion? Are you kidding me? At Walmart, you can run a
country for just $4 billion. That's enough to get you universal health care,
100,000 HD TVs, 3 militaries, a million Garth Brooks CDs, and 315 million
bald eagle sleeveless t-shirts. I'm a pissed off, patriotic American who believes
in the Constitution. That's why last year, I didn't send the IRS a $10,000
check. I sent them a $10,000 Walmart gift card. But I'm not so sure that's
gonna fix the budget. I have an even better idea. Have you ever heard of a
citizen's arrest? Well, I want to make a citizen's amendment. Amendment 28.
"The President and all members of Congress shall be sent to Canada through
Priority Mail, and replaced with 536 Walmart shoppers and employees." From
now on, any time you're at a Walmart, just address everyone there as
"Senator," "Congressman," and "Mr. President." As in, "Mr. President. I'd like
to return this British tea for a bald eagle sleeveless t-shirt. USA! USA!" As far
as I'm concerned, our Founding Fathers are George Washington, Thomas
Jefferson, John Hancock, and Sam Walton. That's my Uncle Sam. Not that
asshole who hangs out at the IRS and refers to me as a ho.
If we can't get the folks at Walmart to run our government, we should be
willing to settle for anyone who spends money less wastefully than our current
Democrats and Republicans. The 536 people we have right now are the 536
worst spenders in the entire country. They rank way below the Walmartians--
and they even rank below the Kardashians. President Kardashian might spend
$2 billion of our budget on Fendi bags and Manolo Blahnik heels--but at least
she won't piss away $200 billion on PBS specials and potato peelers.
Amendment 29: "The Democratic and Republican parties shall be banned
from DC, and replaced with the Walmart and Kardashian parties. The only
politicians we want here are Barack Hussein Walton and George W.
Kardashian. And let's also add an Extra Value Party, with politicians like
Ronald McDonald Reagan."
I also have a plan to make the government decrease our $17 trillion in debt.
Amendment 30: "Our debt shall be transferred to a drug dealer." That should
work. Because it's easy to borrow another truckload of hundred dollar bills
from China--but it's not easy to borrow another handful of quarters from Ray
Ray the crack dealer. [President:] "Mr. Ray. How you doing, homey? It's the
President. About that $17 trillion and 47 cents we owe you. I don't know if you
read through my new four year budget--but we're gonna borrow another $5
trillion from you. Is that cool, homeskillet?" [Ray Ray:] "Actually, it ain't cool.
I'm from Brooklyn--not Beijing. No soy sauce--just hot sauce. If you raise your
ceiling, I'm gonna raise my floor on your Presidential ass. Give me my money,
bitch." On the other hand, if we transfer our debt to Ray Ray, the President
might hand America's ownership papers to an Indian Chief, and say, "Good
news! We're giving you guys the country back. By the way--you owe $17
trillion and 47 cents. I hope you make a lot of blackjack profits. Ray Ray's
gonna drop by here in about five minutes to collect a $53 billion payment and
your left kidney."
Here's one reason why the government spends so wastefully nowadays. Did
you know that in the original Constitution, there's another branch of
government that's been phased out over time? If you want real checks and
balances, you need all four branches: Executive, Legislative, Judicial, and
Redneck. Redneck is actually the main one. The Redneck branch is one
redneck. There are five qualifications. One: he's an American citizen. Two:
He's at least 20 years old. Three: he's crazy. Four: he's pissed off about the
government. And five: he's drunk. He's not hard to elect. Every four years, we
just take some guy out of a gun club in Alabama. And then we give him a can
of Busch Beer every 76 minutes. We need to bring that branch back. You
know. The President will present a new budget, with the usual proposal to
spend $4 trillion on balloons. And then our redneck will say, "That's a nice
plan, Mr. President. But the 13 stripes on my flag and 12 bullets in my gun
don't like it. These stripes and bullets are fiscal conservatives. On the Fourth
of July, we got firecrackers--and today on the Fifth of July, we fire politicians.
But don't worry, Mr. President. We're gonna give you a severance package of
ten thousand leftover f hot dogs."
Considering the way our government spends money, I think what we really
need is amendment 99: "No more representation. The United States will go
back to a monarchy, and our king will be the CEO of the 99 Cent Store." Yeah.
Because that guy's working actual magic. Rabbit, hat, goose, golden egg--you
can buy all of that shit for 99 cents. Have you ever heard of supply, demand,
and the rules of economics? The 99 Cent Store invalidates 99% of those rules.
You want a calendar with cute pictures of kitten? At Barnes and Noble, it's
$15. At Walmart, it's $3. At the 99 Cent Store, it's 33 cents. And they've got 99
cent jeans, and 33 cent magic beans. When you plant the beans, they grow into
99 rolls of toilet paper. When you go to Walmart after the 99 Cent Store,
Walmart's prices make you feel enraged. You feel like protesting by throwing
their merchandise into the Boston Harbor. With a lot of stores, you leave
feeling guilty that you spent so much. But the 99 Cent Store is different. When
you walk into one with twenty dollars, and you walk out with a week's worth of
food and a lifetime supply of socks, you feel guilty that you spent so little. You
do a double take any time you're at the checkout stand. "$14.33? Are you sure?
That can't be right. You do realize I have 99 carts full of tube socks, enchiladas,
hot sauce, and bananas." Yeah. It's one step away from shoplifting.
Afterwards, you go to church. "Forgive me Father--for I have sinned. The Day-
o guy spent all day gathering bananas, the Tally-man counted 193 of them--
and I bought all of those bananas for 99 cents."
I think it's time for us to dump some tea in a harbor, dump some
Congressman in a landfill, and make the CEO of the 99 Cent Store the King of
America. Who's with me?