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TableofContents





Chapter 1: Happiness - What Is It? .................................................................. 5

Chapter 2: Our Brains and Happiness .............................................................. 9

Chapter 3: What Makes Us Happy ................................................................. 13

Chapter 4: Finding Peace From Within - How To Create Happiness ............. 17

Chapter 5: Happiness, Sex, and Money ......................................................... 22

Chapter 6: How To Have A Happy Relationship ........................................... 24

Chapter 7: How To Be Happy and Single ...................................................... 29

Chapter 8: Learning How To Say "NO" ......................................................... 32

Chapter 9: So How Do We Become Happy ................................................... 35

Chapter 10: Conclusion - Are You Really Happy? ........................................ 40








Introduction

Firstly,Iwouldliketocongratulateyouongrabbingacopyofthehappinessbiblefor
yourself.Ibelieveitwouldmakeabigchangeinyourlife.

Wereallunderconstantstressinourdailylives.Andsometimeswejustgetbyforgetting
therealreasonwhyweareonthisplanet.

Nothingmattersmorethanbeinghappy.AndIwouldurgeyoutogothroughthisguide.
ImplementthetechniquesthatIshareandachieveramuchfullerandhappierlifefor
yourself.

Enjoythejourney.

StayHappyAlways,

Chapter1:HappinessWhatIsIt?

Thereisanoldsayingthatgoeslikethis:Oneman'sheavenisanotherman'shell.

Inplaintermsthismeansweallviewwhatisheaventousorwhatishelltowhatis
relativetoourlives.Wecantakethissameideaandapplyittothemeaningofhappiness.
Howweviewhappinessispersonalbasedonourlives,valuesandlifestyles.

Happinesstomemaybeunhappinesstoyou.Forexamplemanyofmyfriendssaytome
YouhavetogooutandIsayWhy?TheyfeelIneedtopartyandgoouttoenjoymylife.
That'stheirdefinitionofhappiness.IliketobehomeanddowhatIwantwithnopressure.
Thisishappinesstome.EveryoneisdifferentiswhatIamillustrating.

Togettothepoint,Idon'tneedtoconstantlybeentertainedoutsideofmyhousetobe
happywhiletheydo.Thus,wedonothavethesamedefinitionofhappinessasitappliesto
ourlives.

Theonlyexceptiontothedefinitionofhappinesswhereoneshouldinterfereinwhat
happinessistoperson;iswhenanotherperson'sdefinitionofhappinessaffectsothers(or
eventhemselves)inanegativewayorhurtfulway.Ifsomeoneenjoyshurtinganotherat
theexpenseofanotherasaformofhappinessthentheyhaveaseriousproblemandthey
needtoseekprofessionalhelp.Inthiscasetheirhappinessisdistortedbecauseitinvolves
harmingthemselvesorotherstogainasenseofhappiness.

One'shappinessshouldnotbebasedonphysicaloremotionalpainofanother,andthisis
evenmoreseriousiftheotherpersonisnotaconsentingadult.Thatcrossesthe
boundaries.Ifapersonishappyattheexpenseofanother'ssufferingtherenojustification
thispersonissickmentally.Thisisespeciallytrueiftheotherpersondoesnotwishtobe
hurt.Inthiscasetheyareinflictingtheirhappinessonotherswhowantnopartofit.This
isamentalproblemthatneedsaddressingimmediately.

Bydefinitionhappinessisdefinedasastateofmindorafeelingthatischaracterizedby
contentment,love,satisfaction,joyorpleasure.Thewordasbydefinitionhappinessis
approachedinphilosophyandreligionasastateofbeing.Thisisespeciallytrueifone
embracesaparticularideologybasedonthepremiseofHappinessasthephilosophyof
thatparticularreligion.

Therearetwobasicschoolsofthoughtinrelationtotheideaofhappiness.Oneisthatwe
getourhappinessfromexternalthingslikelivingaprosperouslife.Theotherschoolsays
inordertobehappyithastostartfrominsideourbeingsfirst.Somephilosophersand
religiousthinkerstendtodefinetheideaofhappinessasastateofbeingasaresultof
livingagoodlifewhichisofcourserelativeformulatedbywhattheirperceptionsofa
goodlifeis.Theyapproachhappinessasastateofbeinginwhichoneisflourishingas
opposedtoanemotionfromwithinusthatweradiatetotheworld.Therearehowever
otherphilosophersandreligiousthinkersthatdohypothesizethathappinesscomesfrom
aninternalstateofbeingfirstandthenhappinesscantrickleintothephysicalworld.

Psychologyattemptstodefinehappinessaccordingtoone'smentalstateofmindandthe
positivityoneexecutesinone'slife.Scienceontheotherhand,attemptstodefine
happinessaswithwhathappenswhenweareinastateofhappinessphysicallyand
biologicallytous.

Whileitishardtoconcretelymeasurehappinessbecauseitisalsoculturallyandsocially
defined,therearegeneralconsensusacrosstheboardwhichareincludedindefiningwhat
happinessis.

Regardlessoftheperson,placeorculture;theuniversalideaofhappinessisbasedon
positiveemotionsandactivitiesthatpermeateintoaperson'slifebasedonthatculture's
definitionofhappiness.Therearethreekindsofhappinessthatuniversallyallpeopleseem
toagreeon:pleasure,engagementandmeaninginone'slife.

Therearealsocertaingeneralattributesthatareassociatedwithbeinghappy.Theseare:
1. Relationships
2. Love
3. Socialinteractions
4. Extraversion,marital
5. Status,employment,
6. Stateofhealth,
7. Freedomasinademocraticsense
8. Optimism
9. Religiousevolvement
10. Income
11. Proximitytootherhappypeople.

TheorderofthesegeneralattributesarenotnecessarilyashowIwrotethem.Theyare
ultimatelybasedonaperson'svaluesysteminrelationshiptowhattheyperceiveas
happiness.ForinstanceImaythinkloveisthemostimportantaspectofhappinesswhile
othersmaythinkitseconomicsecurity.Theorderofthingsthatmakeushappyvary
dependingontheperson'slife.

Manytimeshappinessisdefinedbyethicsofaparticulargrouporbeliefsystem.Ethicists
mayargueastohowtheybelievehumansshouldbehaveasthefoundationofwhatthey
believeoneshoulddefineashappiness.Thereiswhatiscalledmundaneconcrete
happinessandspiritualhappiness.Forexample,Buddhismispremisedontheideaof
happinessasacentraltheme.InordertoachieveNirvanaorEverlastingPeaceonehas
toraisetheirconsciousnessbeyondthemundanestateofhappiness.Buddhistsbelieveto
behappyonehastohavelovingkindnessandcompassionforalllivingbeings.Buddha
taughtthatifoneactsandspeakswithapuremindsurelyhappinesswouldfollowlikea
shadow.

AlGhazali(10581111)theMuslimSufithinkerwrotetheAlchemyofHappiness,a
manualofspiritualinstructionthroughouttheMuslimworldandwidelypracticedeven
now.Aboutonehundredyearslater,theHinduthinkerPantanjali,authoroftheYoga
Sutras,wrotequiteexhaustivelyonthepsychologicalandontologicalrootsofbliss.Blissis
anextremeformofNirvanainHinduterms.IntheYorubareligionitisbelievedthatIwa
PeleorgoodcharacterpromoteshappinessandhappinessbringsIreorblessings.

ThephilosopherAristotlewrotein350B.C.EtheNicomacheanEthicsinwhichhestate
thathappiness(asindoingwellandbeingwell)ishuman'sdesirefortheirownsake
unlikeriches,friends,wealth,honororevenhealth.Healsoobservedthatpeoplesought
thingslikeriches,honorandhealthnotonlyforthesakeofthosethingsbutinordertobe
happy.

Inpsychologicaltermstoday,somepsychologistspracticeinwhatiscalledPositive
Psychology.ItisbelievedthatPositivePsychologyisatruewaytopromotehappiness
withinaperson.MartinSeligmanoneofthefoundersofwhatiscalledPositive
Psychology"wroteabookentitledAuthenticHappinesswhichdescribeshappinessas
positiveemotionsandpositiveactivities.Hefurthercategorizesemotionsrelatedtothe
past,thepresentorthefutureindefininghappiness.Positiveemotionsrelatedtothepast
includesatisfaction,pridecontentmentandserenity.Positiveemotionsrelatedtothefuture
includeoptimism,hopeandtrust.Presentpositiveemotionsarebrokendownintotwo
categoriesnamelypleasureandgratification.Pleasuresinrelationtothebodyandhigher
pleasuresarecalledpleasuresofthemomentandusuallyarearesultorinvolvea
physicalstimulus.Inpositivepsychologyitisbelievedthatthemostprofoundsenseof
happinesscomesfromhavingalifeofmeaning.Thismeansone'slifeispurposefuland
fulfillingduetooneusingonesstrengthsandvirtuesinapurposegreaterthanone'sown
immediategoals.Oneisinastateofhappinessbecausetheyarecontentwithwhotheyare
insideemotionallyandcanbehappywiththeworldbecausetheyknowwhattheywant
outoflifeandhowtoattainit.

Physicallybiologistsandscientistsarelookingatthebrainandbiochemicalbodychanges
tohelpthemunderstandhappiness.Therearebiologicallychemicalreactionsthatoccurin
thebrainandbodythatallowustodifferentiatebetweenpositiveandnegative
occurrences.Thesechangesarewhatgivesuseitherapositiveornegativestateofmind.

Socialfactorsareamongthemostimportantthingsthatmakehumanbeingshappy.Their
relationshipswithothersareakeysourceofhappinessastheirinteractionwithother
people.AwidelypublishedstudyintheBritishMedicalJournalreportedthattheysawthat
happinessseemstospreadfrompersontopersonwithinasocialnetworkorgroup.
Researchwasdoneovera20yearperiodandfoundthatclustersofhappinessspreadup
tothreedegreesofseparation.Whatthatmeansisthathappinesstendedtospread
throughcloserelationshipslikefriends,siblings,spousesandevennextdoorneighbors.

Theresearchalsonotedthathappinessspreadmoreconsistentlythanunhappinessina
givennetwork.Thestructureofthesocialnetworkalsohadanimpactonhappiness.For
example,thoseintheinnercorelikeclosefriendsandfamilymemberswerehappierthan
thoseontheperipheraledgeofthenetwork(thosewhowerenotatthecoreofclose
friendsorfamily;butmaycasuallyknowsomeoneintheinnercircle.)Thisstudy
concludedthathappinesscanbespreadlikeavirus.Whenonepersonishappyinaclose
socialnetworkitspreadstotheothersinthatnetworkthroughinteractionwiththesource
ofhappiness.

Itissafetosaythatregardlessofthesocietyorcountryonemayliveineveryonewantsto
behappy.Onlyyoucansayifyouarehappyorsufferingfromlife'sstruggle.Nooneperson
cantellanotherpersonthattheotherishappy.

Apersoncanonlyspeakforthemselvesregardinghappiness.Inrealitythereisnosuch
thingasaproblemfreelife.Howeverinordertoexperiencesomesortofhappinessin
spiteoftheproblemswemayhave;wehavetocometotermswiththeproblemsfirst.In
thiswaywecancometosomekindoftermswithourselvesandcreateastateofbeing
withinourselvestoworkthroughtheproblems.

Theideaistohandlethesethingswithoutlettingthemtakeoursenseofselfaway.Howwe
choosetoreacttothechallenges,tragediesandsufferingthatlifethrowsatusisbasedon
ourinnerstrength.Happinessisfoundwhenwecanovercometheobstaclesandpainthat
lifegivesusandremainintactandinfactstrongerbecauseofthem.Oursenseof
accomplishmenttopersevereandovercomelife'sobstaclesisthegroundworkto
happinesslikenedtoclimbingamountainandfinallyreachingthetop.

Chapter2:OurBrainsandHappiness

Scienceresearchhascomeupwithtwomajorfindingsinrelationshiptoourbrainsand
ouremotions.Thefirstisthatunlikewhatwasthoughtpreviously;itisfoundthat
emotionsdonotcomeforasinglesourcethatemitstheemotionsinthebraintothebody.
Itisfoundthatdifferentemotionsstemfromdifferentsourcesinthebody.

Anothernotedfindwasthatmenandwomen'sactivitypatternsinthebrainandbodyvary
inrelationtotheiremotions.Thesepatternsbetweenmenandwomendonotmirroreach
othertheyaredistinctbasedongender.

Thesethingswerefoundwhenfastimagingwasdoneonvarioussubjectsthatallowedthe
researcherstosnapimageswhendifferentemotionsoccurredinbothmenandwomen.

Theseimageshaveallowedresearcherstodrawnewneurologicalmapsdepicting
emotionalactivity.Previouslyitwasbelievedthatthelimbicsystem,whichisaringof
structuresaroundthebrainstemwastheemotionalcenterforhumans.Thesesnap
imagesshowthatwhenemotionoccursactivityoccursbothinthelimbicsystemand
beyondtootherpartsofthebrainandbody.

Itwasalsonotedthathappinessandsadnessarenotregisteredthesamewayinthebrain.
Bothhaveindependentpatternsofactivitybasedonthosetwodifferentemotions.This
wasaccordingtoareportdoneintheAmericanJournalofPsychiatryinMarch1995.

Becausehappinessandsadnessoccurindifferentpartsofthebrainwehavethecapability
tobehappyandsadatthesametime.Forexample,whenachildleavestogotocollegewe
maybehappytheyreachedthatmilestonebutaresadtoseethemgo.Dr.MarkGeorge,a
psychiatristandneurologistattheNationalInstituteofMentalHealthinBethesda,Md.,
conductedastudyon11subjects.

Whentheyfelthappyhenotedtherewasacharacteristicpatternofdecreasedactivityin
thepartofthebrain;thecerebralcortexwhichistheregionofthebrainweusefor
forethoughtandplanning.Thepartsofthebrainlocatedinthetemporalparietalareaof
thecortex,locatedjustoverandabitbehindtheears,andtherightprefrontallobe,just
behindtheforeheadusedincomplexplanningshutdownwhenwearehappy.

TheDr.alsonotedthatwhenthesamesubjectswhovolunteeredforthisresearchalso
volunteeredtoreceiveinjectionsofcocaineormorphineitprovedapoint.Itshowedthat
whenthedrugswhereintheirsystemsthesameneocorticalareasbecamelessactiveas
well.Inthesecasesthebrainactivitywaslikethatoftransienthappinessrangingto
ecstasy.

Anotherchangenotedinthelimbicsystemwastheamygdala.Thisisapairofalmond
shapedstructuresinthelimbicsystem.Thispartofthelimbicsystemactivatesduring
sadness,butchangeswhenwearehappy.Theleftoneseemstoshutdownalittlewhilethe
rightgoesup.Dr.Georgealsofoundthatmenandwomenprocessemotionsdifferently.
Whenwomenaresadtheirtheanteriorlimbicsystemisactivatedmuchmorethanmen's
are.Alsowomenseemtoexperienceamoreprofoundsadnessthandomen.

Theideaofrewardisanactivebrainprocessthatoccurswhensomethingpleasant
stimulatesus.Thefeelingsofliking,wantingandlearningrewardsareallactivatedin
differentpartsofthebrain.Whenweexperiencepleasureitiscodedbyneuralactivityin
manybrainsitesincludingtheprefrontalcortex,amygdale,thalamus,nucleuscaudatus,
nucleusaccumbensandtheventralpallidum.Againtheregionsthatactinthebraindiffer
partiallybetweenthesexesandsexhormoneswhicharealsoinvolvedintheseprocesses.

Emotionscanbecontributedbytwosources;thechemicalsthebrainproduceandthe
nutritionwetakeintoourbodies.Whenwedon'tgettherightnutritionalintakeiteffects
thechemicalsourbodiesproduceincludingtheonesassociatedwithbeinghappy.The
brainchemicalserotoninisaneurotransmitterorhormonewhichisproducedinthe
brain.Itistheneurotransmittersthatcarrymessagesbetweenthenervecells.The
substancethatproducesserotonininthebrainisanaminoacidtryptophan.

Itiscertainaminosinthebodythatcausesustohaveafeelingofwellbeing.Serotoninis
oncesuchaminoacidthathelpsusmaintainahappyfeeling.Italsohelpsuscontrolour
moodsbyhelpinguswithsleep,anxietyanddepression.Whenourbodiesdon'tproduce
enoughserotoninweexperiencestatesofdepressionandanxiety.

Ithasbeenfoundthatcertainfoodslikebananasandturkeyhaveaspecificproteinwhich
helpsthebodyconvertthemtothechemicalserotonin.Ithasbeenfoundthatpoordiets
docontributetodepressionaseatingjunkfoodbecausetheydonothelpintheproduction
ofserotonin.

Sciencehasnotfiguredoutwhattriggershungerorappetitebuthavenotedthatserotonin
isinvolved.Itisknownthateatingcarbohydratesreleasesthechemicalserotonin.Thats
whyyoufindpeopleeatingsweetsorcarbrichfoodswhentheyaredepressed.

Thereasonisthebodyiscravingthosetoreleasetheserotonintogivewaytoabetter
feelingormood.Manypeoplecomfortthemselveswithsugarandcarbswhentheyaresad
orunderstress.Whenthebrainproducesserotoninthemoodiseased.Itisalsonotedthat
eatingcomplexcarbohydratesproducestryptophaninthebrainwhichalsohasacalming
effect.

Ithasbeenfoundthatproteinproducesalertness.Proteinproducesdopamineand
norepinephrine,whichpromotealertness.Proteinmealscontainingessentialfattyacids
and/orcarbohydratesarerecommendedforincreasedalertness.Salmonandwhitefishare
goodchoices.Avoidfoodshighinsaturatedfats;includingconsumptionoffriedfoods,such
ashamburgersandFrenchfries,leadstosluggishness,slowthinking,andfatigue.Fats
inhibitthesynthesisofneurotransmittersbythebraininthattheycausethebloodcellsto
becomestickyandtoclumptogether.Whenthishappenstheresultispoorcirculation,
especiallyinrelationtothebrain.

Abalanceofchemicalsinthebrainandbodyisachievedwhenthedietcontainsa
combinationofcomplexcarbohydratesandprotein.Soanexampleofabalancedfoodfor
thenutrientsmentionedintheprecedingparagraphswouldbeaturkeysandwichonwhole
wheatbread.Thisisagoodcombinationbecausetheturkeyishighinproteinand
tryptophan,andthewholewheatbreadsuppliescomplexcarbohydrates.

Consumemorecarbohydratesthanproteinifyouarenervousandwishtobecomemore
relaxed.Eatmoreproteinthancarbohydratesifyouaretiredandwishtobecomemore
alert.Adepressedpersonwhoneedshisspiritsliftedwouldbenefitfromeatingfoodslike
turkeyandsalmon,whicharehighintryptophanandprotein.Beware:Thebodywillreact
morequicklytothepresenceofsugarthanitdoestothepresenceofcomplex
carbohydrates.Theincreaseinenergysuppliedbythesimplecarbohydratesisquickly
accompaniedbyfatigueanddepression.Thisiswherethetermsugarrushwascreated
from.

Serotoninmanagementincludesbothdietandpayingattentiontothelittlethingsthat
makeyoufeelgood.Theideaistoconsciouslyincludebothfactorsinyourdailyroutine.We
know,instinctively,thatpamperingourselvesisawaytomakeusfeelgood.Unfortunately
manytimeswedonottaketimetoschedulepleasantthingsintoourdailylives.Thingslike
pleasantsurroundings,favoritemusicandfood,orevenqualitytimewithlovedonesinto
ourdailyagendacanmakethedifferencebetweenfeelingdepressedorfeelinggood.When
wetakethetimetodotheselittlethingsithelpswithourserotoninlevels.Justgettingout
ofbedandintoawarmshowerelevatesserotoninlevels,makingiteasiertogetintoa
positive,constructiveframeofmind.

Generallyspeaking,depressionifitismildenoughcansometimesbemanagedwithout
prescribedmedications.Aerobicexercise,watchingyourcarbohydrate&alcohol
consumption,gettingupearlyandmoving,evenifyoudon'tfeellikeit,forcingstructureon
yourlife,usingmeditationandimagery(ifyoucanconcentrate,whichdependsonhow
depressedyouare),andseekingasupportgrouporpsychotherapy,haveallprovedhelpful
incombatingboutsofunhappiness.
Astudythatisongoingwasconductedbyagroupofpsychologistsusingasurveyon
happiness.Peoplewereaskedtoratetheirlevelsofhappinessfrom0to10.Mostpeople's
levelwereat6.7.Ifsomethingtraumaticorsadhappenedlikeadivorceordeaththepoint
levelwentdownbyoneortwoforatleastayearortwo.Ittookabouttwoyearsforthe
leveltogobackto6.7.Likewisethingslikefallinginloveorwinningthelotterycausedthe
leveltogoupapointortwoforthefollowingyeartotwoyears.Attheend,ofthetwoyears
itwentbackdowntothe6.7again.Theconclusionfromthisstudywasthataslight
increasecouldbesustainedwiththelittledailypleasuresasopposedtobigliveevents.Soif
youdosmallthingseverydaythatmakeyoufeelgoodorhappythenyoucansustainan
overallbetterstateofbeinghappyasopposedtotheonegreateventthatmayoccurnow
andagain.Itsincorporatingthelittlethingsthatyouenjoyinyourdailyroutinethatmakes
thedifferencewithyourstateofhappiness.Forinstanceifyoulikeflowersbuythemonein
awhile.

Takingtimetosmelltheflowersimpliesawillingnesstobespontaneous.Itiseasierfor
somepeopletobemorespontaneousthanothers.

Makeadetailedlistoflittlethingsthatyouenjoyandincludetheminyouractivities.
Actuallyscheduleatimeofdaytogoforawalk,createorlistentoyourfavoritemusic,read
apoem,meditate,spendqualitytimewithfamilyandfriends,paint,exercise,orjustplay.
Makeapactwithyourselftotryit,justforafewweeks,thenseeifyouroverallwellbeing
isnotimproved.

Whenourserotoninlevelsarelowweexperiencedepressionandsadness.Somepeople
haveclinicalreasonsforserotoninlevelsbeinglowandwhenmedicallydiagnoseditis
treatedwithvariousmedicationslikeantidepressants.Therearetimeswhenserotonin
levelsmaybelowduetochemicalimbalancesandhormonalreasons.Thesetooaretreated
withmedicationwithdoctorsupervision.

Manytimesthebodycravescarbohydratesandsugarwhentheserotoninlevelsinour
bodiesarelow.Thisisbecausetheyboostthelevelsinourbloodwhenweeatthem.It
suggestedifyoufeelthesugarcravingstousehealthycarbohydratealternativesasaway
toboostyourserotoninlevelswithoutaddingonthecalories.

Chapter3:WhatMakesUsHappy

FromdoingresearchforthefirsttwochaptersofthisbookIthinkitissafetosaythat
happinessisastateofmindthatthebodyreinforces.Happinessissubjectiveeventhough
therearesomegeneralidealsthateveryoneontheplanetshareastowhatisconstitutedas
happiness.

Thequestionthenbecomesisthereaoneshoefitsallformulaforattaininghappiness.I
wouldthinkthatbecausehappinessmeansdifferentthingstodifferentpeopletheformula
canbeappliedbuttheresultsmayvaryaccordingtoone'sdefinitionofwhathappinessis
perceivedbythem.

Itisalsoafactorthatourtemperaments,personalitiesandevensomegeneticfactors
(whichgiveusapredispositiontohappinessordepression)allgointoourmakingofwhat
weperceivehappinesstobe.Circumstanceswecontrolplayabout10to15percentofthe
equationofmakingushappy.Those10to15percentincludeeconomics,education,looks,
andthosekindofthings.Thesearethingswehavesomekindofcontroloverevenifit's
notcomplete.

It'squiteobviousthatpeoplewithmoneyseemtobehappierbecausetheyhavemore
timetodothingsthatmakethemhappy.Theydonothavetoworryaboutmoneytopayfor
thingsoractivitiestomakethemhappyortheirdailynecessitiesforsurvival.Theydon't
havetoworryaboutkeepingaroofovertheirheads,feedingthemselvesorafamilyand
havingwarmclothesinthewinter.

Povertyisnotasourceofhappinessbyanymeans.Butontheotherhandmoneyaloneis
notenoughtomakeapersonhappy.Caseinpoint,lookatalltherichpeoplewhoturnto
drugsandalcoholtocreateandkeepthehappymoodgoing.Manyofthepeopleinthis
categorydonothavewhattheyconsideralovingrelationship.Youcannotbuyreal
friendshipsorreallovewithadollar.

Thereareacrosstheboardtriggersthatmakeeveryonehappy.Thosethingsincludebeing
inloveandsexanddoingactivitieslikelisteningtoyourfavoritemusic.Thingslike
watchingafunnymovie,doingafunactivitymakesonehappyatthemomentbutitisn't
longlasting.

Basedonstudiesinordertoturnthat10to15%intoyourfavoritissuggestedthat
developinggoodsocialskills,gettingmarriedorcohabituating,andpursuinggoalsthatone
findspurposefulfortheirlifealladdstothe10to15percentofincreasingone's
happiness.

Goodsocialskillscreatesfriendshipsandbonds.Itisfoundthatmarriedcoupleswholove
eachotherhave30percentmoresexthatispleasingandofqualitythansinglepeople.
Livingtogetherfallsintothiscategoryiftherelationshipislovingandcommitted.When
onefeelstheirlifehasmeaningtothemselvesandtheworldtheyfeelgoodabout
themselvesandabouthowothersperceivethem.Onceagainenjoyingthelittlethingsin
lifealsoplaysabigpartinhappinessdaytoday.Alwaystryingtocreateandmaintain
positivitygoesalongwaytohappinessasopposedtoboutsofbeingpleasantonceina
while.

Thefirstthingthatpositivitypsychologyaswellasthegurusofhappinessespouseisthe
ideaofgratitudeaspartofthehappinessequation.Weneedtobehappyforwhatwe
alreadyhave.Mostpeopleareconsumedwithbeingsadoverwhattheydonothave,
insteadofgivingthanksforwhattheydohavealready.Whenwehavegratitudeasatoolit
helpsaffirmthelittlespecksofgoodnessthatwedoaccumulateinourlives.

Thenextthinginthehappinessequationistheimportanceofrelationships.Wearesocial
creaturesbynature.Thosethataren'tmayhaveexperiencedthingsthatmakethemnotso
openedorturnedofftoothers.Inthatcasetheywereemotionallyscarredinsomeway.
Theneedtobondandinteractwithotherlikebeingsisacharacteristicthathuman
beingscarrysinceprehistorictimes.Ittookpeopleworkingtogetherandformingfamily
unitsinthecavestosurvive.

Peopleneedpeopleintheirlivestofeellovedandcaredfor..Whensomeonecaresforus
andwecarefortheminturnitputsusinagoodframeofmind.Whenweareinaloving
relationshipthatgivesusnurturingandsupportitputsusinahappystateofmind.Giving
andreceivingloveisveryimportantforthehappinessequation.Formeitisthemost
important.

It'simportanttofocusonourstrengthsasapersonasopposedtodwellingonour
weaknessesinordertobehappywithourselves.Whenweconsumeourselveswithwhat
iswrongwithusitimmobilizesus.Whenwethinkwedon'tmakethegradeoraren'tgood
enoughwearefilledwithsadnessanddepression.

Itsrecommendedforyoutolaughatyourweaknessesinsteadofcryaboutthem.More
importantfocusonthosepartsofyouthatarestrongandcapable.Keepinmindthatno
oneisperfecteveniftheyareperceivedtobe.

Whenyoustartappreciatingthosethingsthatarepositiveaboutyourselfitreinforces
yourstateofbeinginapositivefashionmakingiteasierforhappinesscomeintoyourlife.

Hereisalistof10thingsPsychiatristssaymakesushappy:

1. AsItwaspointedout(scienceagrees)savoreachmomentthatisenjoyable.Ithelps
reduceoveralldepressionwhenwethinkbacktothathappymoment.Ithelps
createmoreserotoninthechemicalthatkeepsusinagoodmood.

2. AvoidComparisons
Tryingtokeepupwithotherpeoplethatwethinkhaveitallcanbehardwhenwedon't
havewhattheydo.OurcountryandtheAmericanMysticisverydominatedbywhohas
andwhodoesn't.Thisdestroysmoralandesteem.Focusonwhatyouaccomplishandhave
inyourlifeanddon'tworryaboutwhatothershave.

3. Warning*Don'tMakeMoneyaPriority.
Yesweallneedmoneytosurviveandnoonewantstobepoor.Wegetthat.Butthosethat
putithighontheirlistofprioritiesaretheonespronetolowesteem,depression,anxiety
andfear.Moneyisnecessaryforsurvivalinoursocietybutitshouldnotbeagaugefor
happiness.Themorewelookforsatisfactioninmaterialthingstheshortertheenjoyment
is.Weshouldnotbecomedefinedbythingswehaveinsteadofwhoweareinside.
Researchhasalsoshowedthatmoneyseekersalsoscoredloweronvitalityandself
actualizationtests.

4. HaveMeaningfulGoals
Whenwestriveforcertainthingsitgivesusasenseofpurpose.Researchhasalso
shownthatpeopleneedasenseofpurposetothrive.Justexistingcreates
depressionandsadnessbecauseapersonfeelsliketheyhavenopurposeinlifeor
reasontolive.Harvardsresidenthappinessprofessor,TalBenShahar,agrees,
Happinessliesattheintersectionbetweenpleasureandmeaning.Whetheratwork
orathome,thegoalistoengageinactivitiesthatarebothpersonallysignificantand
enjoyable.

5.TakingInitiative
Whenonetakesinitiativeatplaceslikeworkitmakestheexperiencemoremeaningful
andpleasant.Oneofthemajorsourcesofunhappinessanddepressionispeoplehating
theirjobs.Whenwefeelincontrolandrewardedforoureffortsitmakesforahappier
experience.

6.FriendsandFamily
Peoplewhoarehappierhavegoodfriendsandalovingfamily.Thisdoesnotincludebeing
thelifeofthepartywithshallowacquaintances.Thisisdeepsupportivemeaningful
relationshipswhichareanintegrativepartofone'slife.It'snotjusthavingacquaintance
relationshipsorfriendsthat'sthesourceofhappiness.Itshavingclose,meaningfuland
lovingtiesbetweenpeoplewhotrulycareforoneanotherthatmakesforhappiness.

7.Smile
Smilinggoesalongwayevenwhenyoudon'tfeellikeit.Itmakesyoustarttoappreciate
theglassbeinghalffullasopposedtohalfempty.

8. SayThankyoulikeyoumeanit
Thisgoesbacktotheideaofgratitude.Showinggratitudegenerateshappinessforboth
parties.ResearchbyMartinSeligman,founderofpositivepsychology,revealedthatpeople
whowritegratitudeletterstosomeonewhomadeadifferenceintheirlivesscorehigher
onhappiness,andlowerondepressionandtheeffectlastsforweeks.Italsoshowedpeople
whoexpressedgratitudeweremorelikelytosucceedinlife.

9.ManystudiesandresearchshowsExercisehelpswithdepression.Itbooststhefeel
goodendorphinsbiochemicallyandgiveyouasenseofaccomplishment.

10.Helpothers
Helpingothersisveryrewardingandgiveshappiness.Whenyougivehappinessyou
receivehappiness.Thisincludeslisteningtoothers,passingonknowledgeandforgiveness.

FinallyRespectisanotherkeyfactoracrosstheboardthecreateshappiness.Whenwefeel
respectedwearehappy,whenwerespectotherstheyrespectus.Happinessisatwoway
streetwhenwemakeothershappytheyreturnitinkind.

Chapter4:FindingPeaceFromWithinHowTo
CreateHappiness

It'ssafetosaythatwhenwefeelatpeaceitseasierforustoalsostarttofeelhappiness.
Oursocietydoesnotpromotenorsupportourlivestobeinastateofpeace.Everythingwe
dohaseitherpressureortensionattachedtoitinsomeform.

Accordingtothedictionaryinternalmeanshavingtodoorsituateinsidethebody;and
alsorelatingto,orinsidethemind.Peaceisdefinedinthedictionaryasastateofcalmand
quiet;freedomfromdisturbingthoughts;andanagreementtoendhostilities.So,inthe
realworldmanytimeswedonothavepeace.Instead,maybeforsomeuptoafewtimesa
daywehavetofighttheonslaughtofanger,hostilityandpowergameswhichare
integratedintotheAmericanlifestyle.

Unfortunatelymanypeoplegaugethesuccessoftheirexistencebyutilizingthesethings
mentionedaboveasameansofsurvivalinthisworld.Theyfindthemselvesusinghostility,
angerandpowergamestofeelsuccessfulintheirdailyendeavorsorevenworse,are
victimsofthesethingseverydayalldaylong.Sotherecomesapointwhenweare
saturatedbythenegativefeelingsandenergythatwelosefocusofwhatitmeanstohave
peaceinourlives.

Ideallytohavehappinessonewouldthinkyouneedtobefreefromanger,hostilityand
powergamesconstantlybombardingyou.Soinordertoachievethiswiththosethings
goingonaroundyou;youhavetolearnhowtofindpeacewithinyourself.Inordertodoso
youhavetocombineallyourthoughtsandfeelingsintoonestateofbeingthatcreates
tranquilityandharmonyforyouwhenyouneedit.

Oneeffectivewaytodothisishonoryouremotionsevenwhentheyarenotproductiveand
thenacknowledgethemandfinallyletthemgosoyoucanmoveontoapeacefulstate.So
manytimespeoplekeeptheirhostileandangryemotionsrepressed.Whathappensis
theseemotionsseeptothesurfaceanywayinbehaviorthat'slessthanhumanlyacceptable
asanoutletforthoseemotions.

Onehastofindawaytoexpresstheseemotionsinappropriatewayssotheycanbe
releasedfromoursystemsconstructively.Thisiswhatgiveswaytoinnerpeace.

Herearesomestepsyoucanusetoconstructivelyreleasenotsopeacefulemotions:

1. YouneedtolistentoyourselfThismeansgetintouchwithyouremotionsand
knowhowyouarefeeling.Thereasonweflyoffthehandlesooftenisthatwedeny
thefeelingsofanger,resentmentandrage.BysayingtoyourselfyesIamangryor
betteryetoutloudithelpsdissipatethefeelingsyouareholding.Whenyou
suppressnegativefeelingsyouriskthepossibilityofharboringrealoutofcontrol
anger.Whenangerisuncontrollablewebecomeconsumedbyit.Thistypeofanger
canevenbedangerousfornotreleasingitconstructively.Whenweflipoutmany
timesitsduetofeelingswedidn'tevenknowwehadinside.Itsalsobecausewe
refusetoacceptthosefeelingsandthoughtsconsciouslynotallowingourselvesto
expressthemkeepingthembottledupinside.That'swhypeoplewhodon'texpress
themselvesinsomeformintermsofapositivereleaseevenifthefeelingsaren'tare
timebombswaitingtoexplode.

2. AcceptresponsibilityforyourfeelingsIfyouareangrywithsomeonedon't
blamethem.Thereisnothingwrongwithtakingresponsibilityfortheangeryoufeel
towardssomeone.Thedifferenceisifyoustarttotakeresponsibilityforyour
feelingseveniftheyarenegative.Forinstanceyoucansayoutloud;Iamtaking
responsibilitytorespondtothefactthatIdon'tlikethewayyoutalktomeas
opposedtoyouaremakingmeangryWhenyouusethesecondstatementyouare
givingothersthepowertocontrolyouremotions.Takingcontrolofyournegative
emotionsandowningthemisnoteasytodo.Itdoestakepractice.Keepinmind
whenyoublameothersallthetimeforyourfeelingsyoureallyviewyourselfasa
victim.Thisisbecauseinyourmindtheyaredoingthingstoyoutomakeyouact
incertainwayinsteadofactinghowyouwanttobasedontheirtreatmentofyouor
yoursituation.WhenyousayIamnotgoingtobeavictimofanyonethenyoustart
toactdifferently.

3. TalkaboutyourfeelingsFindaclosefriendorsomeoneyoutrusttoexpressyour
pentupemotionswith.Ifyoufeeltheyaretoopersonalforevenyourclosepeople
thenyoumaydecidetospeaktoaprofessionalabouttheminsteadwhichisOkay
also.

4. AcceptyourselfWhenyouacceptyourselfwithallyourweaknessesandflawsyou
canalsoacceptyourstrengths.Nooneisperfectandwhenyouacceptallofyou,you
willstarttofeelpeace.

5. StopconstantlyjudgingyourselfWhenyoujudgeyourselfyouaresettingyourself
uptofeelyouarenotgoodenough.Constantlyselfcriticizingyourselfmeansyou
thinkyouhavetobeperfectandifyouaren'tyouarenotworthy.Whenyougetinto
thisframeofmindyouwillnevermakepeacewithyourself.Youwillneverhave
peaceeitheraroundyoubecauseyouwillneverbesatisfiedandfeelyouarealways
fallingshortofwhat'sexpectedofyou.

6. LetgoofthepastAcceptallthathashappenedinyourlifeembraceitandthenlet
itgo.Thepastisover.Relivingthepastorconstantlytryingtorecreatethepastdoes
notmakewaytoafutureforyourself.Ifyourpastwassoterribleandyoucannot
forgivethosethathaveviolatedyou,forgiveyourselfforbeinginthatsituationand
letthosepeopleandexperiencesdie.Whensomeoneisdeadtheyaregoneonceand
forallandyoucanfindpeacetheywillneverhurtyouagain.Youcanthenstartto
healthehurtandfindpeaceforyourself.

6.PracticegratitudeBegratefulforallthethingsyoudohaveinyourlifeandaboutthe
thingsinyourselfthataregood.Whenwepayattentiontothethingsthataregoodand
givethanksforthemitincreasesourthoughtsandenergies.Beingthankfulforwhatever
goodwehaveinourlifehelpscreateasenseofpeace,loveandevenabundancewhichare
allthingsthatpromoteinnerpeaceaswell.

7. LearningtorelaxWeallneedtimeout.Ithelpsmaintainourbalanceand
harmony.Dowhateveryouneedtodothatmakesyourelaxdaily.Differentpeople
relaxindifferentways.Someexercise,someread,somemeditate.Whateverittakes
tounwindtakeeven10minutesadayforyourself.

Finallyifyouhavetroubleexpressingyourfeelingsverbally,writethemdown.Youcansay
whatyouwantthiswayfreelywithoutworryingaboutwhowillhearit.Studiesshowthat
peoplewhowritetheirfeelingsareabletoletthingsgoandmoveonbetterthanthosewho
can'texpressthemselves.

Lifeisnotgoodwhenwedonotfindpeacewithinourselves.Theysaymoneycanevenbuy
sexasphysicallovebutitcannotbuypeacewithinourselves.Inordertofindpeaceyou
havetolivebypeacefulrules.AsIdidmyresearchonfindinginnerpeaceIcameacross
somerulesofpeacetolivebythatIthoughtwereuseful.

1. Thefirstruleofpeaceistoacceptthatmostpeopledonotcareaboutlivingby
peace.Lookatthegovernmentsintheworldandhowtheyconducttheirpeace
keepingtechniques.Theyclaimtheyarecreatingandmaintainingpeacethrough
war.

Thefirststepofincorporatingpeaceintoyourlifeistoactuallybehonesttoyourselfin
claimingthatyouareapeacefulperson.Doesyourbehaviorpromotepeace.Youhaveto
acknowledgethatyourbehaviorintheworldandtoothersmaynotcreateapeacefulway
betweenpeopleifitdoesn't.Ifyoudothisfirstyoucanthenunderstandwhatitistobe
peacefulinstead.Yourbehaviormayactuallyencouragehostility,angerandresentment
whichallcatalystsforwar.

Ifyoucan'tseeyourcontributiontothecreatingofnonpeacefulwaysthenyouarean
offenderofcreatingturmoil.Ifyouwantpeaceyouhavetopromotepeace.

Rule#2Knowthatthereisnopeacefortheoffenderandpromoterofwars.Warcanbeas
simpleasconstantlyattackingsomeoneyouassumeisweakerthanyouverbally.It'safact
thatweshouldacknowledgethatsomepeoplearejustplainevilandcannotbechanged.
Oncethatisunderstoodthenyouarejustasbadastheoffenderwhenyoucondonetheir
behavior.Ifyougoalongwithsomeonewhobehavesinanoffensiveoraggressiveway
thenyouaresupportingtheirbehaviorandarenotpromotingpeace.

Whenthereisconflictpeaceisobtainedwhenthegrievancesonbothsidesarefeltthey
aremet.Ifyouseethereisanaggressorinyourlifethenyouneedtositdownwiththis
personandtalktothemseriously.Haveaonetoonewiththemtoletthemknowthat
theirbehaviorisnotacceptable.Pointouttheyarecreatinghostilityandangerwhichis
goingtogetthemintoawarwithyouoranotherunnecessarily.

Inordertohavepeaceyouandthosearoundyouhavetoreallyagreethatyouaregoingto
conductlivingyourlifepeacefully.Iftheycan'tadheretothatthentheyneedtomoveonto
otherswhosharetheirsamementalityofviolatingpeacefulenergy.

Liarsdonotpromotepeace.Theypretendtohonorthepeacetreatybutdonotinreality.So
tellthemiftheyintendnottokeeptheirwordthatyouneedtonotdealwiththemunless
absolutelynecessarylikeatajobonly.Therewillbenopersonalinteractionotherwise.

3. Thereisnocompromisingbetweengoodandevilintentions.Ifyougiveintoevil
youwillnotbehappy.Thatmeansifyougiveintobullyingorbecomingabullyyou
willnothavepeace.Theunderdogalwaysfightsevenifitspassiveforitsfreedom.

4.Inordertohavepeacethatwhichyouconsiderevil,wrongorharmfulhastobe
destroyedforyouinyourlife.Wheneveryoufeellikeyouhavetomakeadealwith
somethingorsomeonethatgoesagainstyourgrain;itwillalwaysbeasourceof
disharmonyandyouwillneverfindpeacethatway.

Findingpeacewithinourselvesintoday'sworldtakesalotofwork.It'snotaseasyas
peoplewouldlikeyoutothink.Inaworldthatdoesnotpromotepeacewehavetoreally
searchdeepwithinourselvestofindthatplaceinusthatispeaceful.

Hereisanexercisetohelpyoulearnhowtoletgoofwhateverispreventingyoufrom
findingpeaceinsideofyourself.

1. Onapieceofpaperwritedownfivethingsthatyoufeelarepreventingyoufrom
findingpeaceinyourmind.Thesethingsmayincludeoldhurts,fears,lossand
stresses.Putnexttoeachthingyouwrotewhoisbeingeffectedthemostbythese
things.Mostlikelyyouwillfindthatitisyouwhoistheonethatisaffectedbywhat
youwrotedown.

2. Onthatlistlookatwhereyouputyourselfastheonethatwasaffectedbythething
onthelist.Thinkabouteachthingonthelistthathaseffectedyouforthenext5
minutes.Embracethehurtandpainitcauses.Lookatyoursituationtoseeif
anythinghaschanged.ThenconsciouslysayIreleasemyselffromit(whateverit
is)"

3. Thisprocessdoesnotreleasethingsrightawayittakeswork.Youmayhavetowrite
alisteverydayuntilyoufinallystarttoreallyletgoofwhat'sonthatlist.Inthe
processoflettinggoitdoesmakeyouawareofwhatisblockingyourinnerpeaceso
youcanworkonit.Keepinmindtoreleasesomethingyouhavetochangeyour
mindset.Askyourselfwhenyouaretryingtochangeyourmindset,whoelseis
losingsleeporsufferingfromwhatistakingpeacefromyou.Manytimestherewon't
beanyoneelse.Thisisreallythefirststepinlettinggo;whenyoubegintorealize
youaretheonlyonecryingoverwhatisbotheringyou.Giveyourselfpermissionto
stopfeelingbadsoyoucanmoveon.

4. Nowchangeyourthoughtstosomethingpleasant.Forexampleyoucanthinkabout
redecoratingaroomandmoneyisnoobjector(thisworksformen)thecarofyour
dreams.Thistrainsyourmindtoshiftfromwhatisbotheringyoutomoving
forward.

5. Asyoudotheselittleexercisesdailyyouwillseethatyouwillhavelessofthese
feelingbadepisodes.Youwillnoticethatmoretimewillpassinbetweentheperiods
whenyoudofeelupsetfromthosethingsthattookyoufromfeelingpeaceful.Putup
stickynotesifyouhavetowithpositivereinforcements.

6. Onceamonthreviewthelistandcheckoffthosethingsyouhavemovedonfrom.It
doesn'tmeanyouhaveforgottenthem.Itmeansthatitnolongerconsumesyouand
youcancometotermswiththem.Thisisthemainstepinfindinginnerpeace.

LastlyFindsomethingorsomeoneyoulovetofocusonwhenthenegativitystartstocreep
up.Thereisnothingbettertohealthosenegativeanduppeacefulthoughtsthenlove.It
canbealovedoneorevenahobbybutlovingsomethingwilltaketheplaceofthepain
eventuallysoyoucanmoveonandfindasenseofpeace

Chapter5:Happiness,Sex,andMoney

Therearealwaysanalogiesdrawnbetweenhappinessandsexandmoney.Theysayyou
canbuysexbutyoucannotbuylove.Therewasastudydoneinrelationtoincome,sexand
happiness.Itusedrandomsamplingof16000AdultAmericans.Thepaperconcludesthere
isastrongcorrelationbetweensexandhappiness.Italsosignifiedthatgreaterincomedid
notnecessarilymeanmoresexormoresexualpartners.Moreincomedidnotbuyeither.

ThetypicalaverageAmericanhassexualintercourse2to3timesamonth.Alsoitis
marriedpeoplewhohavemoresexasopposedtothosewhoaresingle,divorced,
separatedorwidowed.

AnotherinterestingfindinthisstudywhichwastitledSex,MoneyandHappiness:An
EmpiricalStudyconductedbyDavidG.BlanchflowerandAndrewJ.OswaldoftheNational
BureauofEconomicResearchpaper#10499IssuedinMay2004;alsofoundacorrelation
betweeneducationandsex.Thehappinessofpeoplewithhighereducationlevelswas
affectedmuchmoregreatlythanthosewithlowereducationallevelsintermsofsex.Also
thenumberofpartnersthatcreatedamaximumofhappinessinthatstudywasone.

Itwasalsonotedthathighereducatedfemaleshadfewerpartnersthanthosethatweren't
aseducatedingeneralasasexualhistory.Thesamestudyalsoconcludedthatincreasing
theamountofsexfromonceamonthtoonceaweekincreasedthehappinessleveltothe
equivalentofgettinga50,000dollarayearraise.Youdothemathonthehappinesslevel
thatsexcanthusbringtoaperson.

Withthesethingsinmindwecansaythatsexmakespeoplehappierthanmoney.Thisis
nottosaythathavingmoremoneywhichultimatelymakeslifeeasierdoesn'tmakeus
happyeither.Whatitissayingisthatmoneymaybringacertainamountofhappinessto
theequationofone'slifebutitisnotincomparisontoastrongsexlifewithonepartner.

Whatwasalsointerestingisthatthestudydispelledthemyththatifyouhavemoremoney
yougetmoresex.Therewasnoindicationthatthemoremoneyyouhavethemoresex
youget.Whatwasfoundisthatusuallyhighereducatedpeopledomakemoremoney;and
sexdoesseemtohaveahappiereffectontheeducatedasopposedtothosewhoaren't.It
isageneralconsensusthatthemoreeducationyouhavethemoreincomeyoudo
generate.

Thehappiestandonesgettingmoresexarethosethatarehappyintheirmarriagesbyas
muchas30percentmore,evenoversinglepeople.Theeconomistsestimatethatahappy
marriageisonethatislastingandgeneratestheequivalentof$100,000dollarsayearof
happiness.Divorceontheotherhanddepleteshappinessby$66,000dollarsannually.
Whatallthismeansisthatpeoplewhogetmoresexonaregularbasisarericherin
happiness.

LikewisetherewasastudydoneMay2001issueofJournalOfSexualResearchinwhich
GeorgiaUniversityStateResearchersfoundpeoplewhowereinvoluntarilycelibate
frequentlyhadunhappyfeelings.Themanfeelingswereanger,frustration,selfdoubtand
depression.Theconclusionsofthestudywasthatthesefeelingsweregeneratedbythe
missingofhavingsexintheirlives.Itseemssexandaperson'spsychefeedoffofone
another.

Anotherinterestingthingisthatitappearsthatthemalesspermhasanantidepressive
effectonfemales.TherewasastudydonebyapsychologistnamedGordonGallupPhD.He
notedthatwomenwhohadunprotectedsexhadlowerlevelsofdepressionthanthosethat
usedcondoms.Therewasafollowuptothestudyanditalsonotedthatwomenwho
stoppedhavingsexthatwerenotusingcondomsgotdepressedmorethanwomenwho
stoppedhavingsexwithcondomsaswell.

Itwasalsonotedthatwomenwhodonotusecondomsarepreytotherebound
relationshipsbecausetheyaregoingthroughatypeofsexualwithdrawalbecauseofnon
condomsex.

Whethersexiswithacondomornottherearefeelgoodendorphinsthatarereleased
duringsexandorgasms.Theendorphinswhicharethebrainsnaturalpainkillersandfeel
gooddrugswearoffinaboutanhour.Beingreceptivetotouchalsomakesforhappier
peopleallaround.Peoplewhoarelessdepressedandexperiencelessanxietyintheirlives
areonesthathavephysicalcontactwithotherpeople.

Touchisjustascrucialinthehappyequation.Itissaidit'sgoodtohaveaminimumof4
hugsaday.Oldpeopletendtodiequickerbecausetheydon'thavepeoplethattouchthem
physicallyintheirlivesmanytimes.Babiesdiewithouttouch.

Theseareotherfactorstoconsiderinthehappinessandsexequation.It'sjustnotthesex
itstheyqualityincludingthetypeoftouching.Peoplethatengageinforeplaytendtoenjoy
thesexualexperiencemuchmorethanthosethatdon't.Italsocreatesalevelofintimacy
thatjustintercoursealonedoesn't.

Manytimesemptysexwithoutloveleavesapersonfeelingworsethanwithoutthesex.
Goodsexisbasedonmutualtrustbetweentwoconsentingpeople.Trustisbuiltonlove.If
loveisn'tintheequationtherelationshipdoesnotlastusuallyverylongandneitherparty
willultimatelybehappyinthelongrun.

Sexualcompatibilityisalsoafactorforhappiness.Twopeoplehavetobeonthesamepage
tohaveafulfillingsexualrelationship.Thisiswherethehappinesscomesin.They
understandeachother'sneedsandknowhowtofulfilloneanothertomaintainthe
happiness.Itisprettysafetosaythatanyoneishappywhentheyhaveloveandgoodsex
togetherinonerelationshipintheirlives.
Chapter6:HowToHaveAHappyRelationship

Allpeoplewhethertheyadmititornotwanttobeinorhaveahappyrelationshipwith
someone.Thismeansarelationshipthatworkswithsomeoneandthriveswiththeperson.
Tomakeagoodrelationshipthatishappy;bothpartieshavetobewillingtogothatextra
mile.

Whenyoumeetsomeoneandyouaremutuallyattractedandstartanewrelationship
everythingseemsgoodinthebeginning.Manytimesasrelationshipswearon,thetwo
peoplestarttotakeeachotherforgranted.

Thetruthisonceyougetthepersonofyourinterestandyoutwoaretogether;tryingto
impressthemfades.Astherelationshipchangesandbecomesfamiliaritbringswithita
senseofsecurityandfamiliarity.Themoreyougettoknowtheotherpersonthemore
relaxedtherelationshipbecomes.

Youstopbeingonyourbestbehaviorbecauseyoudon'tfeellikeyouneedtotryandget
thepersonanymore.Itsofficialyouaretogether.

Nowwhathappensistheeccentricitiesandquirksstarttocomeout.Youstarttorealize
thateverythingthatyourpartnerdoesisnotcuteanymore.Alsowhatyouwroteoffas
cutebehaviorbeforewiththatpersonisnowannoying.Yourrelationshipatthispointalso
startstofallintoaroutine.

Weallknowthatnotallrelationshipsarenotmeanttolast.Theyareapartofourgrowth
anddevelopment.Withthosetypesofrelationshipswemoveonuntilwefindsomeone
thatclicksinallthewaysarelationshipneedstoinordertobehappy.Ifyoufeelyoumet
therightoneandareinitforthelonghaultherearesomethingsthatyoucandotoavoid
thepitfallsthatmakerelationshipsunhappy.

Thefirstthingyouhavetorememberisrespectandaffectionareveryimportantinagood
relationship.Ittakestwotomakearelationshipwork.Itcannotbeanalltakeorallgiveon
onesidewhentherearetwopeople.

TherehastobeMutualunderstandingaswellascompatibility.Youbothshouldsharethe
samevisionastowhereyoubothwanttherelationshiptobeandwhereyouwantittogo.
Youhavetoworkasateam.Thisdoesn'tmeanthatyouwon'thavedifferentinterestsfrom
eachother.There'snothingwrongwithpeopleinarelationshiphavingdifferentinterests
butyoualwayscomebackafterthetimeapartanddothingsasateam.

Theteamshouldalsocomefirstbeforetheotherinterestsorpeopleinyourlife.Ifyour
interestsaren'tsomethingyourpartnercaresfor;discusswhatyourplansareinregardsto
anactivityconcerningyourinterest.Alwaysremembertoincludetheminyourplanseven
iftheydeclinetheinvite.Iftheydeclinethenaskthemifit'sokwhenyouplantodoyour
activity.

Alwaysletthemfeeltheyarepartofyourlife.Ifyouliketogotoanexerciseclassbutyour
partnerdoesn't,letthempickyouupafteriftheywantto.Thiswaytheydon'tfeellikeyou
areexcludingthemfromyouractivities.Resentmentandinsecuritymanytimescreepsin
relationshipswhenapersonfeelsliketheyarebeingleftinthedarkorleftoutoftheir
partnerslifeinsomeway.

Manypeopleforgetthattheirpartnershouldbeactuallytheirbestfriendandnottreat
themasanyless.Relationshipsfailbecausepeopledonotdothis.Theyputtheirfriends
aheadoftheirrelationshipwhichisanono.Yourpartnerwillbeinsituationsinyourlife
whereyourfriendwouldnotberememberthat.

Everyrelationshipisuniqueanddifferent.Butyouknowyouareinahappyoneif:
1.Youcanlaughandenjoyeachother'scompany
2.FeelSafeandSupported
3.ProvideSafetyandsupportforeachother
4.Shareyourfeelingsandideas
5.RespectEachother
6.Prefereachother'scompanytofriends

It'salwaysbesttobehonestinarelationship.Honestycreatestrust.Asyouspendmore
timewithsomeonethetrustlevelincreasesasthehonestyismaintained.Noonelikes
someonewholiestothem.Alotofrelationshipsfailbecauseoneofthepartiesliestothe
other.Thisisparticularlytrueifthepersoniscompulsivewiththelying.

Thisiswheretheideaofcommunicationcomesin.Youhavetokeepthelinesof
communicationopenedbetweenthetwoofyou.Thismeanstalkingaboutfeelings,what's
goingoninyourownlifeandwhat'shappeninginyourlivestogether.Youshouldtalk
freelyandopenlyallthetime.

Whenpeoplesharetheirfeelingsandopinionswithoneanothertheygetabettersenseof
eachperson'spersonalityaswellastheirlikesanddislikes.Thisisalsoawaytoworkout
anykinksthatmayarise.Italsoletsyouseewhateachotherwantsfromtherelationshipas
wellasoneanother.

Anotherimportantthingtorememberinahappyrelationshipistolistentoeachother.
Nothingisworsewhenyouaretalkingtosomeoneandtheyarenotpayingattentiontoa
wordyouhavesaid.

Thisisalsopartofgoodcommunication.Ifpossiblepracticeactivelisteninginsteadof
passivelistening.Manyanargumenthastakenplacebetweencoupleswhenoneaccuses
theotherofnotlistening.

Activelisteningmeansstoppingeverythingelseoneisdoingtolisten.Wecan'talwaysdo
thisbutit'sgoodtotrywhenweareableto.IfyouarewatchingTVturnitoff.Tryandlook
attheperson.Don'tanticipatewhattheyaregoingtotellyou.Hereisafewthingstokeep
inmindsoyoucanbeagoodlistener.

1.NoPassingjudgmentLetthepersonsaywhat'sontheirmindbeforeyoucondemn
them
2.InterruptingNothingisruderthantointerruptsomeonewhoispouringtheirfeelings
outtoyou

3.CriticizingThebestwaytostopsomeonefromexpressingtheirfeelingsbytalkingto
youistocriticizethemwhiletheyaredoingso.Letthemfinishandthendependingon
whatwassaidrespond.

5.Givingadvice(unlessit'saskedfor)Sometimespeoplewanttojustgetthingsofftheir
chestandmaynotbelookingforadvice,inthiscasedon'tgiveittothemunlesstheyask
forit.

Whenyoudothisthepersontalkingfeelslikeyouarelettingthemgetwhateverythey
needtosayacross.Whentheyfinishyoucanrespondinkind.Thecommunicationshould
notstopifyouaremadorangryeither.Ifit'shardforyoubecauseyougetmadthentell
thepersonyouareangrywiththemorsadwiththemandwhyatthetimeyoufeelthat
way.Thiswayneitheroneendsupharboringresentment.

Thisalsogoesintolearninghowtofightfairly.Norelationshipisperfect.peopledisagree
andfightwitheachother;butthereisawaytodoit.Fightingisactuallyhealthyifit'sdone
constructively.Butifyoukeepfightingoverthesamethingsthenthereissomething
wrong.Thisindicatesanunresolvedissueandneedstobehandledeffectively.

Whenyougetmadyoudon'twanttoputyourpartneronthedefense.Infightingfairyou
needtorealizethatyourpartnerisn'tyourenemy.Youmaynotliketheirbehaviorbutyou
arewiththembecauseyouloveandcareforthem.Whenyouareangry,insteadofsaying
tothemYoudidthis,orYoudidthatuseIdidnotlike,orIfelthurtwhenyou....Start
withyoufirstandhowitaffectedyou.Thiswilldisarmtheotherpersonandgetthemto
listentoyourgrievance.

Fightingfairlyalsomeansbeingspecificabouttheissueyouarefightingabout.For
exampleifyouareannoyedthathedidn'tdoachoredon'tbringupeverythingyoudon't
likethathedoesn'tdointhehouse.Justthatchoreifthat'swhattheargumentisabout.It's
easiertoresolveaproblemifyouarespecificaboutit.

Thisaddressestheimmediateproblemratherthanthrowinginallthethingsthatbugyou
foranargumentspecificallyaboutoneissue.Youhavetokeepthefightrelativetothe
currentissueathandandnotbringinguppreviousincidentseither.

Ifyouconstantlyrehashthepastyouwillnotmoveforward.Yourpartnercan'tchangethe
past.Theycanonlyrectifythecurrentsituation.Alsotryandnotusestatementsthatyou
knowwillhurtyourpartnerintentionally.Finallykissandmakeup,moveon.

Thisbringsustoagreeingtodisagree.It'sokayforyoutohaveapartnerthathasdifferent
opinionsthatyoudo.Theymayalsohavedifferentideasonthingsandinterestsallthatis
wellandgood.Thatactuallymightbewhatattractedyoutotheminthefirstplace.

Respecttheirrighttoanopinionbutyoudonothavetoaccepttheiropinion.Theonly
exceptionwouldbeifsomeoneistryingtogetinbetweenyouandyourmate.Inthatcase
it'simportantforyoutopresentaunitedfronttothatpersonthatiscausingtheproblem
.Inallothercasesit'sokayifyou:

1.Agreetodisagree.
2.Trytoseetheotherpersonspointofview.
3.Acceptthatyouropiniondoesn'tneedtochangeifyoutrulyfeelitsvalidandnot
unreasonable.
Thisiswhererespectingtheotherpersonregardlessofthedifferencesbecauseyoulove
themcomesintobeing.Intermsofargumentsandmanagingdifferencesofopinions
betweentwopeoplethereshouldbesomeguidelinesthatbothuse.

Theguidelinesare:

1.Itsimportantforyoutobeabletospeakupaboutsomething.

2.Sometimesifyoudon'tmakeyourfeelingsclearaboutsomethingthatisbotheringyou,
thepersonwon'tknowandkeepdoingit.

3.Holdingfeelingsaboutsomethingbackbreedsangerandresentment.

4.Manytimesapersonwilldosomethingthatmayhurtoroffendyoubecausethey
honestlydon'tknowthatitdoesuntilyoutellthemaboutit.

5.Moretimesthannotifsomethingisbotheringapersonitwillcomethroughinhowthey
acttowardstheotherpersonandeveninfacialexpressions.Thepersonwillknow
somethingiswrongbyyouractionsbutmaynotevenknowwhatitactuallyis.Youmay
sayfinebutareactingotherwise.Ahealthyhappyrelationshipisonewhereyoucantrust
yourselfandyourpartnerenoughtobeabletotellthemhowyoufeelanditbeokay.

Asahappycoupleinahappyrelationshipyoushouldhavecollectivegoalsthatyouwork
ontogether.Justasyousupporteachotherwithyourpersonalgoalsthesamegoesforthe
goalsyoumaketogether.Ifyouarethinkingaboutanymajorchangespersonallyinyour
lifeit'simportanttodiscussthemtogetherasacouple.Alsolearntousethebeststrengths
eachofyouhastogetthingsdoneasateam.Yourpartnermayhavedifferentstrengths
andorweaknessesthanyou.Soifheisabetterorganizerthat'shisjobandifyouare
betterwithhandlingthemoneythenmaybemakingthebudgetisyours.

Althoughyoulovespendingtimetogethertheremaybetimeswhenonepartnerneeds
somespacetobealone.Youhavetorespecteachother'sspaceaswell.Hemaywanttobe
inanotherroomtodosomethingbyhimselfortakeawalkasyoumightalsoanditsall
good.

Thereisnothingwrongwithtakingtimeforyourselfandspendingsomequalitytime
alone.Youmaywantyournailsdonewiththegirlsandthatfine.Hemaywanttoplayball
withtheboys.Aslongasbothofyourespecttherelationshipandputtherelationshipfirst
thenspaceishealthy.

Thebottomlineisahappyrelationshipisonethatisnurturedsoitcangrow.Youhaveto
buildyourrelationshipasyoulearnfromoneanother.Youtakefromeachotherthe
strengththeotherhasandbuilduptheweaknessesaswell.

Acceptthatyouhaveshortcomingsjustlikethemandbothofyouwillgrowtogether.

Chapter7:HowToBeHappyandSingle

Therearetimesinourliveswhenwherewefindourselvesalonebychoice;orwillfind
ourselvesbeingonourowninspiteofwantingarelationshipwithsomeone.Itcouldalso
beweareinbetweenrelationshipsandtooktimeout.

Ontheotherhandwemayhavejustgottenoutofarelationshipeitherbychoiceorthe
personleftus.Therearesomepeoplewhoprefertobealoneforwhateverreason.We
alwayshearthatrelationshipsandinteractionwithfriendsandlovedonesiskeyforusto
findhappiness.

However,thosetimeswearealoneorsingledoesnotmeanwehavetobemiserabledoes
it?

TheanswerisNO.

Therearesomepeoplethathandlebeingaloneorsinglebetterthanothers.Ifyoudofind
yourselfaloneorsingle;thefirstthingyouneedtodoisstructureyourtime.Ithasbeen
discoveredthatifyoukeepbusywithconstructiveactivitiesinyourlifeitcanhelpwith
feelingaloneorlonely.Evenifyouhavetomapoutascheduleofactivitiessoyouhavea
fullitineraryhourlythendoso.

Youwillalsoseethatyourlifeisquitefullbasedonhowmuchyoupencilin.Includethose
thingsyou'vealwayswantedtodobutdidn'thavetimebeforebecauseyoulifewas
interwovenwithsomeoneelse.Thinkofitasnowyouarefreetodowhatyoualways
wantedtodoanddon'thavetoanswertosomeoneaboutdoingit.

Thisisthebestwaynottofeelaimlessorhopeless,likethereisnothinggoingoninyour
life.Inactualityifyoucanstarttoviewyourselfasbeingselfreliantinsteadofbeingalone
orwithoutarelationshipthenyouwillstarttofeeldifferentlyaboutbeingonyourown.

Youhavetoviewyourtimeastimetohavearelationshipwithyourself.Gettoknow
yourself.Manytimespeopledon'tknowthemselvessotheydon'tknowwhattheywantout
oflifemuchlessfromarelationship.Includeyourownpersonalqualitytimeinthechoices
youmakewithyouractivities.Dothingsthatyouenjoyforyourselftomakeyoufeelgood
aboutwhoyouare.

Thisisthetimetodothingsthatyoucouldn'tnecessarilydobecauseyouwereina
relationshipandactuallydidn'thavetimeforyourselfuntilnow.Alsopamperyourself
whenyoucan.Keepyourselfattractiveforyou.That'sthebestwaytofeelgoodabout
yourself.

Evenifyouarealoneitdoesn'tmeanyoudidn'tordon'thavefriends.Ifyoudofeelpangsof
lonelinessreconnectwithyourfriends.Truefriendswillunderstand.Friendscanbeloving
andasourceofsupport.It'simportanttostillhaveafeelingofloveevenifitsyougivingit
toyourself.Whenyo

ulove,lovereachesoutanditattractsmoreofthesame.Ifyouaretryingtoattractanew
personintoyourlifethebestwaytodoitistohaveagoodlifeyourself.Thatmeansyou
arenotdesperatetofindsomeonebutarewillingtoopenyourselfupfortherightone.

Whenyourlifeismeaningfultoyouandyouaresatisfiedyouwillcreateenergyaround
youthatissopositivethatitdrawspeopletoyou.

Itsimportantnottoisolateyourselforbecomeintrovertedbecauseyouaresingleoralone.
Thebestsuggestionthattheygiveistobuildyourselfacommunity.Bythatitmeans
havingpeoplewhocareaboutyouinyourlifewhoarethereforyouandyoucareabout
themandarethereforthemaswell.

Whenyouhavemeaningfulrelationshipswithpeopleitfulfillsatypeofneedandvoid.The
morehappieryouarewithyourlifeingeneralthemorewillcometoyoubecauseyouare
openedtoit.Manysinglepeoplewhoarealonefeeldisconnectedandalienatedfrom
people.Itultimatelyaffectsthequalityoftheirlives.

Theyactasiftheonlywaytobehappyisinaromanticorintimaterelationshipwitha
mate.Inthesecasestheyneedtotryandfindgroupsthathavelikeinterestswiththemto
helpthemgetbackintheswingofthings.

It'sokaytogotothegym,exercise,buyflowers,gotoashowordothingsaloneand
actuallyenjoythemalso.

Liveyourlifeinthehereandnowmode.Don'tconsumeyourselfwiththewhatifsand
whatwillbecomeofme.Takelifemomentbymomentandenjoythingsastheycometo
you.Keepyourpastinthepast.Youcannotchangewhathashappenedtoyou.Butyoucan
controlwhatwillhappeninyourlifeifyoutakethingsstepbystep.

Tryandmakeyourlifepurposeful.Makeeachdayyouwakeupareasonfordoingso.Have
avisionofwhatyouwanttodoandwhereyouwanttobeinyourlifeandkeepthatin
focus.Lifeistooshortnottodowhatyouwant.

Youshouldn'tfeellikeafailureifyouarenotinaromanticrelationship.Infacta
relationshipshouldnotdefinewhoyouare.Itisyouwhodefinesanddecidesthetypeof
relationshipyoushouldhavewithanotherpersonbeitfriendshiporromantic.Ifyou
yourselfdon'tfeellikeacompletepersonwithinyourself,howcanyoubepartofsomeone
else'slife.Youhavetounderstandwhoyouare,whatyouareaboutandwhatyouwantin
ordertomakeitworkwithapartner.

Yes,twopeoplebecomeoneinarelationshipbuttheyaretwoindividualscomingtogether
bychoice.Manytimesthosepeoplewhodon'tfeelcompleteinthemselveswillstayin
relationshipsthattheyaremiserableinjusttosaytheyhavesomeone.Inthosecasesit's
liketheyarealoneanyway.

So,whenarelationshiplikethisendsthiswasnotarelationshipwheretwopeoplewanted
tobetogetheranywayatleastnotfortherightreasons.Theycametogetheroutofaneed
tohavearelationshipbecauseoffearofbeingbythemselves.

Whenyoucanstandonyourownandfeellikeapersononyourownthenyouarereadyto
bewithsomeoneoutoffeelingforthepersonasopposedtodesperation.Whentwowhole
peoplecomeintoarelationshiptheycancompleteeachotherbecausetheyarestrong
enoughtosharethemselveswithoutlosingwhotheyareintherelationship.Theydon't
definethemselvesbytherelationshipitistheywhodefinewhattherelationshipwillbeto
themtogether.

Lonelinessisultimatelyastateofmindandbeing.

Itdoesn'tmeanthatyoucan'tfindlove.Lovemakestheworldgoround.Notbeingwith
someonedoesn'tmeanthatyouarenotdefinedasapersonbecauseyouaresingleor
alone.Youshouldknowwhoyouareandwhatyouareaboutwhetheryouareina
relationshipornot.

Toomanytimespeoplesettleandsayitsok.Inactualitytheyarenothappybecausethey
soldthemselvesshort.Whentherightonecomesalongandyouarehappyyoucanchange
yourstatusfromsingletoinarelationshipquiteeasily.

Thedifferenceisyouaredoingitbecauseyouwanttoanditsrightforyou.Notbecause
youaredesperateandcan'thandlebeingonyourownthatyousettleforbeingwith
someonewhoisn'tthebestchoiceforyou.

Chapter8:LearningHowToSay"NO"

Inourpursuitsofhappinessweknowwhatmakesushappyandweknowwhatdoesn't.
Thisincludesknowingwhatwewantandwhatwedon'twant.Inordertomaintainour
happinesstherearetimeswehavetosayNOtopeopleandchoices.Itmaynotbeeasyto
saytheNOwordifpeopleorsituationsarecountingonYesfromusbutthatisnotthe
point.

Wehavetoultimatelymakechoicesforourlivesandourpathtohappinessnotforothers.
Thisisespeciallytrueifwhatpeoplewantustosayyestoisn'twhatwewantfor
ourselves.

Manytimeswhenwefeelwewantedtosaynotosomethinganddon'twefeeltrampled
uponandlikeweshouldhavestuckupforourselves.

Themainobstacletomasteringthewordnoistheguiltwefeelwhenwedosayno
particularlyifwecarefortheperson.Whenwedothiswefeelthatwearelettingdown
somebodywhoaskedsomethingofus.Sayingnowithoutthebaggageitleavesbehind
takespractice.

ThefirstwaytostartlearningtosayNoiswithasimplebuteffectiveexercise.Youstart
withmakingalistofallthethingsthatareyourprioritiesandthingsthatmeanayesto
you.Anythingthatisaskedofyouthatisnotonthatlistandyouwanttosaynoto;thendo
so.

Thiskeepsyourmindfocusedonwhatyouwantfirstandwhatmakesyouhappyinstead
ofalwaysgivingintoothersrequestsordemands.

Itmayfeelquiteuncomfortableatfirst,notaccommodatingsomeonethatyounormallydo.
Keepinmindthatforeverytimeyousayyesyouareputtingyourprioritiesandneeds
asideforthatpersonyousayyesto.Ifyouhaveasignificantotherandyouneedtheir
supportinthismatteryoucandiscussitwiththemfirstbeforeyoustartwithsayingNO
tothosethatexpectyoutodothingsforthem.

IfsayingNOonthespotmakesyouguiltriddenthenbuyyourselftimeandsayI'llthink
aboutit.Thisbuysyoutimetoprepareyourselftosaynowithoutbeingpressuredtocave
infromthepersonaskingthefavor.Thisistruealsoifsomeoneisgivingyouaninvitethat
youwanttosayNOtoalso.WhenyoumusterthestrengthtofinallytellthemNOdoso
withoutgivingreasonsorexcuses.Don'toverexplainordefendyouranswereither.Itsfar
bettertosay;No,Iwon'tbeabletohelpyouorNo,It'snotpossibleformetodothator
thankyoubutIcan'tattend.

Whenyouanswerwithadefinitenotheycan'tsaywellmaybeanothertime".Whenyou
aren'tassertivewithadefiniteNOitgivestheotherpartyleewaytotryandbarterwith
you.

Aninterestingassignmentyoucangiveyourselfistoconsciouslycountallthetimesyou
sayyestothingsthatyoureallydon'twanttoinaweek.Thesearethingsyouwished
yousaidNoto.Attheendoftheweekaddupallthetimesyousaidyesagainstyourtrue
feelings.Thiswillshowyouthatyouneedstarttoseeyouhavetostandupforwhatyou
wanttodoforyou.Youhavetotellpeoplethatyourprioritieshavechangediftheykeep
insistingandwhatyoumayhavedonebeforeintermsofsayingyesyouarenolonger
doing.

WhenyoustarttounderstandthattheideaofsayingYesandNoisalsoabout
boundariesandwhatyouwilldoandwhatyouwon't;peoplethatwereusedtohaving
theirwaywithyoumaytrytocrossboundariestomaketheirpointorgettheirway.Here
aresomeguidelinesyoumayuseifyouneedto.Ifitsasignificantotheryouneedto
establishboundarieswiththemaswell.Ventanystrongemotionsthatyouoryourpartner
mayhaveonthisissuebeforethetwoofyoubeforeusetheguidelines.

1.ThefirstthinginsayingNo'whensettingaboundaryinrelationtoanotherpersonis
thatyouwanttousesimpleanddirectlanguage.Thisleavesnoroomformisinterpretation
onthepartoftheperson.

2.Ifthepersonisangryyouaresettingaboundarywithyou:
SayfirstIfyoucontinuetoactthiswayIamleavingtheroom.Donotyellatmeoract
aggressivewithme.Iwillnottakethatbehaviorfromyou.

3.Tosetaboundarywithpersonalphonecallsatwork:hereisanexampleofwhattosay.

Iwillhavetocallyoulater,I'vedecidedtotakeallpersonalcallsintheeveninginorderto
getmyworkdone

4.Tosaynotoextracommitments:

AlthoughyourneedisimportantIhavetodeclinebecauseIhavetotakecareofmy
family'sneeds

5.Tosetaboundaryforsomeonewhoiscritical
example:"It'snotOKtotalkaboutmyweight,I'dliketoaskyoutostop."

6.Tobuyyourselftimewhenhavingtomakeatoughdecision:
"Ihavetosleeponit.Ihaveapolicyofnotmakingtoughdecisionsrightaway"

7.Tobackoutofacommitment:
ex:"IknowIagreedbutIcannotgiveittheattentionitdeserves,soletmetryandfinda
replacement"

8.Tosetboundarieswithanadultchildandlendinghimorhermoney:
"Iloveyouverymuchbutwon'tbelendingyoumoneyanymore.Youneedtotakemore
responsibilityforyourself."

Whenyousetyourpersonalboundariesyoudonotneedtodefendyourself,debateorover
explainyourfeelings.Youcanbegraciousbutfirmandifyoumeetresistancerepeatyour
statement.

Anothersourceofunhappinesswefaceiswhenwearehurtortakethingspersonally
becauseofourownweakinternalboundaries.Aninternalboundaryisourowninvisible
protectiveshieldthatweusetocheckacommentoutfirstbeforetakingitin.Anexample
ofthiswouldbeifsomeonecallsyouarrogantstopandconsiderthestatementbefore
takingitin.Usingyourinternalshieldgivesyoutimetoaskthefollowingquestions:

1. Howmuchofthisistrueaboutme?
2. Howmuchofthisisabouttheotherperson?

3. WhatdoIneedtodo(ifanything)toregainmypersonalpowerorstandupfor
myself?
Thelastquestionisveryimportantbecauselearningtostandupforyourselfandlearning
tosaynomeanstostandfirmwithyourboundaries.

Thisshieldwhenyouuseitisespeciallygoodwhendealingwithdifficultandcritical
people.Inthiswayyouareintactandtheirstatementsdonotweakentheshield.Theshield
helpsyoudecideifit'sworthansweringornot.Inthiswayyoudonotletwhattheysayget
toyoubecauseyouanalyzedtheircommentbeforeyourespond.

Onceyoustarttoseewhoyouareandwhatyouwantyoucanstarttofeelhappybecause
youaredoingwhatittakesforyoutobehappynotwhatotherswantfortheirhappiness.
Itdoesn'tmeanyouaretobeselfishandthoughtless,itmeansifthereissomethingasked
ofyouthatmakesyoureallyunhappyortakesyououtofyourzoneofbeinghappythen
youhavetherighttosaynoandnotfeelbadorguiltyaboutyourdecision.

Chapter9:SoHowDoWeBecomeHappy

Happinessisrelativetoaperson'sneeds.Itisastateofmind.

Whatmakesonepersonhappymayinfactcausemiserytoanother.Sointhequestfor
happinesswemustfirstlistentoourselvesandfollowourpaththatourinnerselvestells
usisrightforus.Whatmaymakeyouhappymaynotbewhatthemajorityofpeopledo
everydaytobehappy.It'sokaytobedifferent.

Thefirststepofhappinessisthatyoudon'tnecessarilyneedtofollowanygroupordo
whatyourfriendsdo;ortellyoutodoifitdoesn'tmakeyouhappy.Youhavetoaskyourself
areyoureallyhappywithwhatyouaredoinginyourlife?Orareyoujustlikeasheep
followingtheflockwithnoconsiderationforwhatyoureallywant.

Ifyoudecidethatyouarenothappyinyourcurrentsituationorwiththecurrentthings
happeninginyourlifeatthemomentthentheantidoteistochangeit.It'sthatsimplebut
itmaybeaprocess.

Somethingswecanchangerightaway,andsometaketime.Itdoesn'tmatterwhatyou
havebeenconditionedorprogrammedtodo,beitajob,relationshiporlifestyle.Ifyouare
nothappyyoucanfixitandchangethingsaround.Lifeistooshorttodosomethingorbe
withsomeonethatdoesnotbringyouhappinessinyourlife.Don'tworryabout
appearancesorwhatothersmaythink.

Itisultimatelyyourlifeandyourchoicenooneelse's.

Don'tworryaboutfindinghappiness.Dowhatyoulikeforyourselfandyourlifeandyou
willfindyourselftobeahappierperson.Sometimeswegetsoconsumedintryingtofind
Happinessthatwhenwedon'tthinkwehaveitwebecomemoreunhappy.Ican'tstress
enoughthathappinessisastateofmind.That'swhywecanfeelsadorhappybasedon
ourstateofminds.

Thereisnosuchthingasperfection.Soifyouaregauginghappinessbyperfectionthen
yousadlymayneverbehappy.Happinessisabouttolerance.Nooneisperfect.Ifyoulearn
toacceptpeopleandsituationsforwhattheyareyouwillfindyourselfalothappier.Ifyou
refusetoletgooftheideaofperfectionthenpreparetoliveyourlifedisappointed,
offendedattimesandlonely.

Youdon'thavetoputupwithcrapthat'snotwhatIamtalkingaboutbutyoucanmoveon
fromsituationsandpeoplethataren'tcuttingthemustardwithoutmakingitacatastrophe.
Letgoandmoveonandliveyourlifetothefullest.Ifyoucareaboutsomeoneenoughyou
willforgivetheirimperfectionsastheywillforgiveyours.

Learnfromyourmistakes.Ifyoulearnwhatmadeyouunhappythenwhywouldyou
continuallydothesamethings.Learnfromthemdon'tlivethemagain.Youdon'thaveto
livewithmistakes,youmakethem,learnfromthem,growfromtheexperienceandmove
on.Happinessisaboutgrowth.It'

sinterestingbecausetobeneitherattachedordetachedisdevoidoffeelinglifetothe
fullest.Theproblemisifyoudon'tfeelorgetattachedtosomethingsyouwon'texperience
joyinthehumansense.Ifyoudisengagefromlivingyouloseboththegoodwiththebad.
Soyouneedahappymedium.

Inlifepainisinevitable,withoutitwecan'texperiencehappiness.Manypeoplebecome
attachedtotheideaofbeingdetached.

Happinessrequiresaction.Ifyouwanttobehappyyouhavetomakeitso.Andonceyou
attainhappinessyouhavetokeeponworkingtokeepit.Happinessisbasedonpractice.
Themoreyouincorporatethepracticingofthingspromotingyoursenseofhappinessthe
happieryouwillbecome.

Happinessislikemomentum.Justlikethelawofphysicsandphysicalinertia.Ittakesmore
energyandforcetomoveanobjectthantoactuallykeepitmoving.Onceanobjectis
movingitseasiertokeepgoing.

Thefactisonceanobjectisinmovementittakesmoreforceandenergytostopthe
momentumthantoletitkeepgoing.Soisthemindwiththestateofhappiness.Itmaytake
aloteffortfromyouinthebeginningtogetyourmindinahappymode.Butonce,theidea
ofhappinesssetsinandtakesoffafterawhileitwillbeeffortless.

Infactitwilltakemoreenergytostopthehappinessthantokeepitgoing.

Theotherthingthathelpswithhappinessistherolemodelswechoosetomodelour
happinessby.Wehavetochoosepeoplewhowelookuptoandwanttobelikewhenwe
thinkofhappinessandthepeoplewewanttoemulate.

Rememberhappinessisfreedomnotmentalslavery.Neverunderestimatethepowerof
mentalprogramming.Howdoyouthinkpeopledothingslikebecomesuicidebombers
basedonanotionofgoingtotheultimateheavenbasedontheirsacrificeforeternal
happiness.Mindprogrammingcansendpeopletowarsormakepeoplepeaceful.Freeyour
mindforyourhappinessnooneelse's.

Weareallproductsofsocialprogramming.Governments,media,educatorsandparents
influenceusallthetime.Itsusedinadvertising,propagandaforvariousthingsasin
churchesandschools.Weareallproductsofourenvironments.

Theytellushowwearesupposedtolookandhowwearesupposedtofeel.Inthisrespect
weneedtodeprogramthenegativescriptsimposedonus.Wehavetorewritethescripts
tosuitusinapositivefashionbasedonourownpersonalneeds.Thisdoesn'tmeanthat
thereisnorightorwrong.

Yes,ifyouhurtanotherbecauseitmakesyouhappyfornogoodreasonthenyouare
wrong.Iamtalkingalongthelinesofpressuresputuponusthatwecannotliveuptoand
itmakesusunhappy.

Forexampleifyouarenevergoingtobeasize2thatshouldnotmakeyouwanttodie.
Acceptwhoyouareandthenyouwillbehappyanyway.Iamtalkingaboutthosetypesof
reprogramingmindsetsinrelationtothingssocietybombardsuswith.

Likewisewhatweassociatewithmentallyalsocontributestoourstatesofhappiness.
Advertisersknowthiswell.That'swhytheysetupthehappiestofconditionsintheir
commercialsbasedonthepremiseofyouusingtheirproduct.Theyleadyoutobelieve
thattheanswerstoyourhappinessisbasedonbuyingthatproduct.Sowiththisinmindif
youarenothappythenyouneedtoconsiderchangingyourmentalassociationswithwhat
ismakingyouunhappy.Theycouldbepeople,thingsorsituations.

Happinessisapatternofthought.Itisbasedonapatternofbehaviorthatwerepeat.For
instancehaveyounoticedthatpeoplepickthesametypeoffriendsoverandoveragainor
repeatthesamemistakestimeandagain?

Thisisbecausewearecreaturesofhabit.So,ifthehabitsarenotworkingforyouor
makingyouunhappyyouhavetobreakthemandchangeyourmindset.

Agoodthingtopracticeisassoonasyoustarttothinknegativeimmediatelyreplaceit
withapositivethoughtinstead.

Usuallyhappinessisbasedonadecision.Mostofthetimesbaddecisionsarebasedon
misinformationorlackofinformation.Sowhenitcomesdowntomakingimportant
decisionsthatwillaffectyourstateofhappinessyouneedtoaskyourselfdoyouhaveall
theinformationtomakeagooddecision.

Didyouvalidatetheinformation.

Alwaysexaminetheevidenceaswellastakingtimetoevaluateyouractionsandreactions
tomakesureitistherightdecisionforyou.

Happinessisalsoopenmindedness.Whenyoulimityourselfbasedonprejudices,
stereotypesornarrowthinkingyouareputtingyourselfinabox.Youmaymissouton
somethingthatcouldbegreat.Alsohappinessisbasedongoodinstincts.Ifyoufeel
somethingisn'trightthengowithyourgutfeeling.Don'tsellyourselfshort.Ifasituation
orpersondoesn'tfeelrightthendon'tdealwiththem.Thereissuchathingasredflagsif
youseethemwavingitmeansturntheotherway.There'snothingwrongwithgoingina
differentdirectiontosaveyourselffromadisasterinthemaking.

Ifyouwanttobehappythenyoushouldsurroundyourselfwithhappypeople.Happiness
rubsoff.Youshouldalwaystrytobefriendthosethatshowsupport,success,optimism,are
cheerfulandgoodcompanytobearound.Thisdoesn'tmeanyoudropfriendsthatsuffera
misfortuneorhardship.

Quitethecontraryyourroleistoofferthemsupport.Iamsayingusegoodjudgmentand
avoidthosepeoplewhoareharmfultoyourbeingandarenegativetoyouandyourstate
ofhappiness.

AsImentionedinearlierchaptershappinessisaboutgratitude.Ifyoustartbeingthankful
forwhateverlittleyouhavethingswillstarttolookbettertoyou.

Learntohavefun.Dothingsthatyouenjoyatleastonceaweekminimum.Ifyounever
stopworkingitleadstomentalandphysicalexhaustion.Whenyougettiredandrundown
itisanopeneddoorfordepressionandstress.

Whenyoutakeabreakandrelaxyoureplenishyourbodyandmind.Thiskeepsyou
healthyandenergizedwhichistherightstateforhappiness.

AlthoughIhavenotspokeaboutmoneyinthisbooktoomuchIwouldliketomention
moneynow.Povertydoesnotlenditsselftohappiness.Weknowthatit'sagivenfact.If
youarestarvingorhomelessyoucannotbehappy.Youhavetoknowhowtoplanandtake
careofwhatevermoneyyoudohave.Acomfortablelifeisahappylife.Youdon'thavetobe
rollinginmoneybutitisnicetobeabletoaffordlife'slittleextras.

Ifyoutakecareofyourmoneyitwilltakecareofyou.Weneedtoberealistic.Somepeople
aremoresuccessfulthanothers.Thetruthiswhenapersonusuallyhasphenomenal
successinonethingtherestoftheirlifeislacking.Theyusuallypayaheavypriceatthe
expenseofanotherareaoftheirlife.It'sokaytopursueyourdreamsbutnotatthe
expenseofnotbeinghappyandmissingoutonthingsbecauseofit.Ifthisisthecaseyou
mayhavetoletgoofsomeunrealisticexpectationsattheexpenseofyourhappiness.

Manytimesinordertobehappywehavetoadapttothechangesthatlifebringstous.
Everythinginlifegoesthroughacycle,theseasons,themonths,plants,relationshipsyou
nameit.Itsbettertoliveinthenow,andenjoythemomentforwhatitsworththangetting
caughtupintheforeversyndrome.It'sunrealisticoroverromantictothinkthatnothing
changesandstaysthesameforever.Ifyouareholdingyourhappinessbasedonthisyou
willsurelysufferinthelongrun.

People,places,ideas,allthingschangeandgrowsometimestogetherandsometimesapart.
Donotresentchange.It'sokaytofightforwhatyoubelieveinandwantbutunderstandif
itsnotforyouthenletitgoandmoveon.

Whenyoudon'tyoumissthebenefitsofthenextcyclethatistocome.Likewiselearnto
sayyestothoseyouloveandcareaboutincludingyourself.

Saynotothosepeopleandthingswhopressureyouandyourlifewithnofairreward.Try
tobewisewhenyoudomakeyourchoicesbasedonanalysis;notblame,butwhatisreally
thesituationathand.

FinallyIhavetosaymanypeoplespendtheirtimewastinglivinginthemoment.Theytake
thetimeathandforgrantedandthinkaboutregretsfromthepastandworriesaboutthe
future.Theyforgethowtoenjoywhatisinfrontofthematthemoment.

Andthenitstimewasted.Beinghappyisastateofmindthatgoeswithyoufromone
momenttothenext.Timewaitsfornomanandneitherdoeshappiness.It'stherebutyou
havetograbitwhileyoucan.

Chapter10:ConclusionAreYouReallyHappy?

Mostofthetimewelookfortheobvioustodetermineifapersonishappyorsad.

Thetruthissomepeoplehavebeenlivinginunhappinesssolongthattheyforgotwhatits
liketobehappyanymore.Ittakestheaverageadulthalfoftheiradultlifetimetoreally
recognizetheirownunhappiness.

Thisdoesnotincludepeoplewhohadmiserablechildhoodsorhavehadahistoryofabuse.
Thosefallinthecategoryofobviousreason.Manytimesbythetimeapersonrealizesthey
arenothappytheyareintheirlatemiddletoolderyears.Whenthisrealizationoccursin
ourMidlifeweusuallyseeitmanifestasamidlifecrisis.

Herearesomeofthesymptomsthatwemaynotevenrealizeispartofthecluesto
unhappiness:

1. Beingobsessedwiththefactthatlifeisnotfair
2. Theoutlookonlifeisverynegativeasitistowardsothers.Theirfirstreactionto
peoplewouldbetodoubtthemandassumetheworstaboutthem.
3. Unhappypeoplehavelowselfesteem,areverysensitiveasaresultandvery
insecure
4. Therestandardsareridiculouslyhigh.Noonecanliveuptothemasfarastheyare
concerned.Thisalsoincludesthemnotlivinguptotheirownstandard.Itcanbein
relationtolooks,achievementsorethics.
5. Besidesbeingverycriticaltheyarealsooffendedatthedropofahat.Theysecretly
criticizethemselvesanddosoaboutothersopenly.
6. Theytendtobehighlyargumentativebecausetheyhavetoalwaysberight.
7. Theyareselfrighteousandblameothersallthetimeforanythingthatgoeswrong.
Thisisallthetime.
8. Theirhappinessisalwaysattachedorassociatedtoevents,thingsorothers.They
vieweverythingintermsofstatusoracompetition.Thisincludeshowtheyview
theirhomes,cars,partners,jobsandbankaccounts.
9. Theirsmilesaren'trealyoucanseeitintheireyesandtheirlaughsarenotheartfelt
evenifloud.
10. Unhappypeopletendtoexaggeratenegativeevents.Theygetdepressedmore
oftenthannormalanditlastsforlongerperiodsthanconsiderednormal.
11. Theirlanguageforthemostpartiscriticalandnegative.
12. Theytendtobelonely.Thisisbecauseoftheirnegativedispositionsand
becausetheyhavetroublerelatingtoothersatadeeplevel.
13. Becausetheyarecontrolfreakstheyexhibithigherdegreesoffear,worry,
stressoranger.
14. Duetothefactthattheyfocusontheirnegativeexperiencestheybecome
emotionallyexhaustedandcanburnoutveryeasilywhenfacedwithacrisis.
15. Sincehumanbeingsarecreaturesofhabitsunhappypeopleareattractedto
negativesituationssuchaswatchingtragedies,warandcourttelevisionprograms
allthetime.
16. Beingunhappytheymissoutonlife'ssimplepleasures.
17. Theyengageinlesssexandiftheydoitsroutineusuallyvoidofsensual
enjoyment.
18. Unhappypeopleusethingsofescapismtobehappylikeworkaholics,drug
addicts,alcoholics,foodaddictionandengaginginmacobpractices.

Theaverageunhappypersondoesnotdisplayallofthesesymptoms.Iftheyweretoit
wouldbeaseriousconditionthatwewouldbeaddressingandthepersonwouldprobably
betotallydysfunctional.

Ifyouarenothappythekeyistolookatalltheabovesymptomsandseejusthowmanyof
themyoudisplay.Thenyouwouldlookatyourselfhonestlyandsaywhatisreallytheroot
causeofyourunhappinessandwhatareyoudoingtoovercomeit.Lastlyhowcanyou
improveyourlifesoyoucanbehappy.

Herenowisachecklistofthecommonthoughtsandbehaviorcharacteristicsofahappy
person:

1. Theaveragehappypersonisnotconcernedwithwhetherlifeisfairornotthey
wanttomakethebestoflifeperiod
2. Happypeopletendtoviewlifeasanadventureratherthanatest.Ajourneyfullof
funratherthananegotrip.Theyseethingsmorelikeagamethanacompetition.
3. Thesetypeofpeoplearenotsoattachedtofalseideasofperfectionintermsofimage
orlifestyle.Theywanttolivelife,learnastheydo,anddevelopthemselvesandenjoy
itastheydo.
4. Happypeoplearesecureintheirownskin.Otherpeople'sopinionsandeventsare
notasimportanttothem.Likeeveryonetheyappreciateanicecomplimentbutthey
donotseekexternalvalidationandnevercomparethemselvestootherstodefine
theirownselfworth.
5. Peoplethatarehappytendtobelessjudgmentalofothers.Theycanbeopenand
acceptingofothersincludingmoretolerantofotherpeoplesmistakes.Theydon'tget
offendedatthedropofahatandarelesscriticalofothersandthemselvesingeneral.
6. Theyhavelessneedtocontroleventsandotherpeople.Whentheydousecontrolit
isaconsciouslyplannedasopposedtoanobsessiveoremotionalreactiontothings.
Theirneedtocontrolisnotanobsession.
7. Happypeoplehavemorepeace,courage,hopeandconfidence.Theyfeellessfear,
anxiety,worry,stressorangerthanunhappypeople.
8. Peopleliketobearoundthembecauseoftheirrelaxeddemeanors.Theytendtobe
lessinhibited,happy,spontaneousandfuntobearound.
9. Becauseoftheiropenmindedandpositivedispositiontheycaneasilyrelateto
peopleandviceversa.Happypeoplecanbuildstrongrelationshipswithothers.
Peoplearesupportiveofhappypeople.
10. Theyhavethecapacitytobesuccessfulforwhattheysetouttodobecause
theydonotfocusonbeingpreoccupiedwithnegativeexperiences.Thishelpsthem
withtheirmentalcapacityandenergylevelstosucceed.
11. Happypeopleareattachedtootherhappypeopleandsituations.Theywill
watchacomedyoveramurder.
12. Happypeoplelovethesimplepleasures,theycanenjoyasunrise,agooddish,
ajobwelldone,goodconversation,agoodnight'ssleep,loveandpassion.
13. Theyaregenerallymorecheerfulandlessdepressed.

Nowjustasyoulookedatthefirstsetofguidelinestoseehowmanyyouhaveifyouare
unhappydothesametoseehowmanyyouhaveasahappyperson.Thenextthingtoask
yourselfifyoudohavesomeishowdoyoumaintaintheonesyouhaveandimprovethe
qualityofhappinessyoualreadyhave.

Therearethreetypesofpeopleinrelationtohappiness.Theyarethe:RW's,WR'sandthe
RR's.

RW'sarethepeoplewhodotheRightthingsfortheWrongreasons.Thesepeopleare
successfulontheoutsidebutsadorunhappyinside.ThenyouhavetheWRpeople,theydo
TheydoWrongthingsfortheRightreasons.WRpeoplehavegoodintentionsbutcause
needlesssufferingtoothers.FinallywehavetheRRpeople.

RR'sdotheRightthingsfortheRightreasons.Thesearethehappypeoplewhoenjoylife.
Unfortunatelytherearen'tenoughRR's.

Thereisnosuchthingasapainfreelife.Emotionalpainisavaluabletoolbecauseitserves
asagaugetoletusknowthatwehavetoreexamineourenvironmentsandvalues.This
doesnotincludethingswecannotcontrolinourlivesthesearesituationsweputourselves
in.

Painisusefultoletusknowthatwhatiscausingthepainhastobeeliminatedifwewant
thepaintostop.Thisincludesthosethingswecanchangeifweareunhappy.

Oursocietyisprogrammedforquickfixes.Manytimesinordertochangefroman
unhappystatetoahappyonerequiresaprocessofchangethatstartswithourmindset.

Yestherearemedicationsordrugsavailabletochangethechemicalsinourbrainand
reducethestresstoinduceasenseofwellbeinginus.Butthesearenotpermanentcures.
Thesearetemporary.

Totrulyexperiencehappinesswehavetoundergochangeanddevelopmentwhichisa
continuousprocess.

Inadditiontomindsethappinessisalsocontingentuponthechoiceswemakeintermsof
valuesandlifestyles.Whenwemakethosechoicesworkforourliveswetendtobe
happierpeopleinahappierstateofbeing.

Ihopethatyoufoundtheentirebookenlighteninganduseful.

Remember

StayHappyAlways,

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