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7 Reasons Most People Are Afraid of Love

What keeps us from finding and keeping the love we say we want?
The story of lost love is one most of us can tell and the !uestion "Why do relationships fail?#
lingers heavily in the $ack of our minds% The answer for many of us can $e found within% Whether
we know it or not most of us are afraid of really $eing in love% While our fears may manifest
themselves in different ways or show themselves at different stages of a relationship we all har$or
defenses that we $elieve on some level will protect us from getting hurt% These defenses may offer
us a false illusion of safety or security $ut they keep us from attaining the closeness we most
desire% &o what drives our fears of intimacy? What keeps us from finding and keeping the love we
say we want?
1. Real love makes us feel vulnerable.
A new relationship is uncharted territory and most of us have natural fears of the unknown% Letting
ourselves fall in love means taking a real risk% We are placing a great amount of trust in another
person allowing them to affect us which makes us feel e'posed and vulnera$le% (ur core
defenses are challenged% Any ha$its we)ve long had that allow us to feel self*focused or self*
contained start to fall $y the wayside% We tend to $elieve that the more we care the more we can
get hurt%
2. New love stirs up past hurts.
When we enter into a relationship we are rarely fully aware of how we)ve $een impacted $y our
history% The ways we were hurt in previous relationships starting from our childhood have a
strong influence on how we perceive the people we get close to as well as how we act in
ourromantic relationships% (ld negative dynamics may make us wary of opening ourselves up to
someone new% We may steer away from intimacy $ecause it stirs up old feelings of hurt
loss anger or re+ection% As ,r% Pat Love said in an interview with PsychAlive -when you long for
something like love it $ecomes associated with pain# the pain you felt at not having it in the past%
3. Love challenges an old identity.
Many of us struggle with underlying feelings of $eing unlova$le% We have trou$le feeling our own
value and $elieving anyone could really care for us% We all have a -critical inner voice# which acts
like a cruel coach inside our heads that tells us we are worthless or undeserving of happiness% This
coach is shaped from painful childhood e'periences and critical attitudes we were e'posed to early
in life as well as feelings ourparents had a$out themselves%
While these attitudes can $e hurtful over time they have $ecome engrained in us% As adults we
may fail to see them as an enemy instead accepting their destructive point of view as our own%
These critical thoughts or -inner voices# are often harmful and unpleasant $ut they)re also
comforta$le in their familiarity% When another person sees us differently from our voices loving
and appreciating us we may actually start to feel uncomforta$le and defensive as it challenges
these long*held points of identification%
4. ith real !oy comes real pain.
Any time we fully e'perience true +oy or feel the preciousness of life on an emotional level we can
e'pect to feel a great amount of sadness% Many of us shy away from the things that would make
us happiest $ecause they also make us feel pain% The opposite is also true% We cannot selectively
num$ ourselves to sadness without num$ing ourselves to +oy% When it comes to falling in love we
may $e hesitant to go -all in# for fear of the sadness it would stir up in us%
". Love is often une#ual.
Many people .)ve talked to have e'pressed hesitation over getting involved with someone
$ecause that person -likes them too much%# They worry that if they got involved with this person
their own feelings wouldn)t evolve and the other person would wind up getting hurt or feeling
re+ected% The truth is that love is often im$alanced with one person feeling more or less from
moment to moment% (ur feelings toward someone are an ever*changing force% .n a matter of
seconds we can feel anger irritation or even hate for a person we love% Worrying over how we will
feel keeps us from seeing where our feelings would naturally go% .t)s $etter to $e open to how our
feelings develop over time% Allowing worry or guilt over how we may or may not feel keeps us from
getting to know someone who is e'pressing interest in us and may prevent us from forming a
relationship that could really make us happy%
$. Relationships can break your connection to your family.
Relationships can $e the ultimate sym$ol of growing up% They represent starting our own lives as
independent autonomous individuals% This development can also represent a parting from our
family% Much like $reaking from an old identity this separation isn)t physical% .t doesn)t mean
literally giving up our family $ut rather letting go on an emotional level / no longer feeling like a kid
and differentiating from the more negative dynamics that plagued our early relationships and
shaped our identity%
%. Love stirs up e&istential fears.
The more we have the more we have to lose% The more someone means to us the more afraid
we are of losing that person% When we fall in love we not only face the fear of losing our partner
$ut we $ecome more aware of our mortality% (ur life now holds more value and meaning so the
thought of losing it $ecomes more frightening% .n an attempt to cover over this fear we may focus
on more superficial concerns pick fights with our partner or in e'treme cases completely give up
the relationship% We are rarely fully aware of how we defend against these e'istential fears% We
may even try to rationali0e to ourselves a million reasons we shouldn)t $e in the relationship%
1owever the reasons we give may have worka$le solutions and what)s really driving us are those
deeper fears of loss%
Most relationships $ring up an onslaught of challenges% 2etting to know our fears of intimacy and
how they inform our $ehavior is an important step to having a fulfilling long*term relationship%
These fears can $e masked $y various +ustifications for why things aren)t working out3$ut we may
$e surprised to learn a$out all of the ways that we self*sa$otagewhen we get close to someone
else% 4y getting to know ourselves we give ourselves the $est chance of finding and maintaining
lasting love%

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