5 Shockingly Unexpected Cures for Common

Health Problems
By Matt Farmer, Ivan Farkas May 23, 2014
There are two ways to cure an ailment: go to the octor an suck u! whatever treatment
they !rescri"e you, or let your #rienly neigh"orhoo shaman o the #eathere snake ance
on you while $enny Mc%arthy screams "ullshit a"out vaccinations in the "ackgroun&
'ell, that(s the !o!ular view, anyway& In reality, there are !lenty o# healing tricks hiing
"etween the e)tremes o# moern meicine an *ew +ge insanity& ,ven "etter, a whole
"unch o# them are the sort o# stu## you o every ay- 'ell, may"e not all o# you&&&
#5. Fingering our !sshole Can Cure Hiccups
Fuse.Fuse./etty Images
*ote a"out that healine: This is not a #ake article&
There are a"out a thousan home remeies #or hiccu!s, with varying levels o#
e##ectiveness& 0ou can hol your "reath until your ia!hragm resets& 0ou can have the
hiccu!s scare away& 0ou can even eat a s!oon#ul o# sugar, which we(re tol is e##ective
"ut carries a high risk o# accientally summoning Mary 1o!!ins& But we hol ourselves to a
higher stanar& 'e strive to "ring you the a"solute "est, most im!ressive way to get ri o#
that stu!i ia!hragm tic& 'e(re !re!are to ig as ee! as it takes& 2eally, really
ee!& Butthole ee!&
#oto#rankyat.i3tock./etty Images
'hich, coincientally, is where the %racke eitors go to e#en against orcs&
0es, science says it(s !ossi"le to sto! your intracta"le hiccu!s with a goo rectal massage,
an yes, they(re "eing serious& It a!!ears that the hiccu!s are closely connecte with the
vagus nerve, which runs all the way #rom your "rain to your ia!hragm &&& an #inally, near
the rectum& The nerve interacts with others near the ia!hragm, causing the #ully #orme
4#uck you, "oy4 e)!erience that is the hiccu!s& The only moerately certain way to truly
calm own that nerve is to con#use it with eli"erate overstimulation 5such as scaring
someone to make their whole "oy #linch6, an the most e##ective way to o that is
to &&& manually access it& 'hich, o# course, means sticking stu## u! your "utt&
The !rou researchers "ehin the Ig *o"el7worthy #ining use something calle a 4igital
rectal massage4 to stimulate the vagus nerve, "ut #or those o# us with analog asses an.or an
aversion to getting #ingere "y a ro"ot, a sim!le human #inger shoul su##ice& May"e your
own& May"e a #rien(s& 0ou never know what will ha!!en, come the ne)t hiccu!s !arty-
ro"ro)ton.i3tock./etty Images
+n suenly !eo!le starte hiing hiccu!s like they( "een "itten in the 8om"ie
a!ocaly!se&
#". Sprite #ay Cure our Hango$er
$u!iterimages.1hotos&com./etty Images
1eo!le resort to all kins o# 9uackery to relieve hangovers, like eating a "ig greasy
"reak#ast 5which actually kin o# works6, "ut the #a among *ew +ge ty!es is rinks like
#ancy %hinese her"al teas 5that one "oasts an 4ancient #amous #ormula4 that was !er#ecte
"y the ol, mystical runks o# the :rient6& 'ell, scientists set out to test a "unch o# !o!ular
"everages to see i# there is one magical rink with hangover7curing !ro!erties& The winner
was an eli)ir create "y the healing artisans at the %oca7%ola %om!any calle 43!rite&4
+;+ go right to hell <name o# com!etitive lemon lime soa !rouct omitte=
The reason this common so#t rink a!!ears to ease hangovers lies in some com!licate
chemistry& 0ou see, hangovers are not irectly cause "y the alcohol itsel# 77 the horri"le
things you #eel a#ter a Bee#eater marathon are ue to acetalehye, a meta"olic "y!rouct
o# the a#orementione alcohol& +rme with this knowlege, researchers #rom 0at73en
>niversity in /uang8hou teste a variety o# "everages to see how well they kick
acetalehye(s ass& 3!rite came out on to! 5along with soa water, in case you think this is
all ?ust ham7hane a insertion6 ue to chemistry reasons too com!licate to elve into
here&
@inicius Tu!inam"a.Aemera./etty
:ur "est guess&
3o what a"out our mystical her"al teas #rom %hinaB They were #oun to make the !ro"lem
worse& :nce again, traitional, all7natural remeies are trum!e "y the woners o# moern
cor!orate ?unk #oo&
#%. !lcohol Can Sta$e &ff a Cold
2yan Mc@ay.1hotoisc./etty Images
There(s no cure #or the common col, an there(s !ractically #uck all you can o to !revent
getting one& Crink all the orange ?uice you can muster an eat all the vitamin %
su!!lements you can #in 77 they o little or nothing to !revent you #rom getting sick&
Duckily, it(s #ar #rom your only o!tion #or staving o## a col& In #act, you on(t nee any
meication or su!!lements at all& +ll you nee to o is get a little runk&
1olka Cot Images.1olka Cot./etty Images
4'ay ahea o# you&4
+ccoring to the +merican $ournal o# 1u"lic Aealth, goo ol7#ashione alcohol can
inee ecrease your susce!ti"ility to the common col an other res!iratory illnesses&
3aly, this is not an o!en call to get waste 54:h, that "ottle o# whiskeyB Dook, "oss, I(m
?ust trying to save some sick ays46& There are, in #act, some very s!eci#ic circumstances
#or the alcohol to take e##ect: 0ou nee to "e a non7smoker, an you nee to kee! the
consum!tion at a moerate level 77 although, we(re ha!!y to re!ort, it(s less 4a small glass
o# wine with inner4 an more 43ure, #eel #ree to throw own three or #our $ack an %okes
a ay&4
2esearchers think the reason #or alcohol(s magic #lu7sto!!ing !ower lies in more
com!licate chemistry 5s!eci#ically, ethanol(s a"ility to "oost our cyclic aenosine
mono!hos!hate levels to a Aulk7like egree, which allows our "oies to com"at #lu
sym!toms much more e##iciently6& It(s worth noting that not every scientist vehemently
agrees with the whole 4?ust kee! yoursel# ti!sy an the virus won(t stan a chance4
argument: :ne 3!anish stuy #oun that the consum!tion o# "eer an s!irits ha no
correlation whatsoever with the risk o# getting the #lu& Aowever, re wine seeme to o the
trick, although the researchers are 9uick to !oint out there(s a chance it coul "e ?ust a
glitch&
2yan Mc@ay.1hotoisc./etty Images
4Crinking trial E1FG: Inconclusive& Back to the la"oratory-4
But even those mi)e results mean that alcohol has a "etter scienti#ic recor #or col
!revention than shit in your su!!lement aisle like +ir"orne&
http://www.cracked.com/article_21173_5-shockingly-unexpected-cures-common-
health-problems.html/
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#'. Horror #o$ies (urn Calories
Image 3ource.Cigital @ision./etty Images
Aere(s the "a news: 1o! culture makes weight loss seem way easier than it actually is
5losing a lot o# weight is "orerline im!ossi"le without surgery6& But when it comes to
"urning a #ew e##ortless calories now an then, there are all sorts o# little things you can o
77 #or instance, we have !reviously !ointe out that #igeting "urns 3F0 calories a ay&
'ell, now a stuy says you can a horror movies to the list&
Martin Barrau.:$: Images./etty Images
40ou still use a treamillB Aow 9uaint-4
0e!, watching horror movies gives you a sitting workout &&& as long as the movie actually
scares you& 3ettling in #or G0 minutes o# terror mani!ulates your arenaline levels, heart
rate, o)ygen intake, an car"on io)ie out!ut in a way that mimics actual !hysical
e)ercise, an thus "urns calories& /rante, it(s not enough to take you #rom chu""y to 3i8e
0 "y watching the entire Leprechaun series in one night 5although it is a sure#ire way to
lose 20 !ouns via shame7sweating6, "ut it will "urn aroun the same amount o# calories as
a 307minute walk in a single sitting&
The stuy actually "oile it own to which s!eci#ic movies worke "est& :ut o# the 10
movies they teste, the num"er one s!ot went to The Shining, with a very ecent 1H4
calories "urne !er viewing& Jaws will chew 1I1 calories o## you, The Exorcist will chant
1FH away, an Alien is goo #or 1F2& + general rule o# thum" is to always go #or the
movies that rely on ?um! scares, as they are the most e##icient at giving you those short
"ursts o# #ear7inuce arenaline, which increase your meta"olism rate an thus cause the
increase calorie loss&
DittleBeeH0.i3tock./etty Images
This screamer vieo !laylist is "asically like 1G0J&
4Aey, %racke,4 someone is no ou"t saying& 4%ouln(t watching a nice !orno o the same
thingB Dike i# it mae me e)cite enough &&&4 The stuy in(t mention that, "ut what we
can say is&&&
#). #asturbation Can Cure *ons of +$eryday !ilments
sumnersgra!hicsinc.i3tock./etty Images
0es, #riens, there is a whole host o# minor ailments that can "e cure with literally a flick
of your wrist& 0ou coul say you have the solution to all these things right in your hand&
0ou might even say that these cures are as easy as manually stimulating your genitals, i#
you know what we mean&
%omstock.3tock"yte./etty Images
4'e"ster(s ictionary e#ines (?acking it( as &&&4
'e know the vast ma?ority o# our reaers are not too #amiliar with the conce!t o#
mastur"ation, "ut "asically it(s this thing that you o with the little you that leas to an
orgasm, which is the miracle rug you(re looking #or& For instance, you know that ol ?oke
a"out how men ten to #all aslee! a#ter se)B 3cienti#ic #act, "a"y- +t the moment o#
orgasm, your "rain releases a ton o# chemicals, most o# which o inee make you slee!y&
Incientally, one o# sai chemicals, o)ytocin, is known to en#orce "ons "etween !eo!le,
so i# you(re one o# those #olks who genuinely #all aslee! a#ter Bone Time, it !ro"a"ly ?ust
means you(re really into that !erson& But the !oint is that, yes, ?erking it is a natural slee!
ai&
But acting like the worl(s most awesome slee!ing !ill is #ar #rom the only magic orgasms
are ca!a"le o#& Because the universe is not always a terri"le !lace, orgasms can totally treat
heaaches an migraines, to the !oint where they can actually cure them com!letely& I# the
4I have a heaache4 e)cuse to avoi se) is something that actually e)ists outsie o# sitcom
s!ouses, here(s your answer&
3tock"yte.3tock"yte./etty Images
:# course, you actually have to give her an orgasm #or it to work&
+s #or your !er!etually stu##y nose, you guesse it 77 there(s no nee to look #urther than
the ol( hans7!ants ance& There(s ?ust one catch: 0ou nee to "e a ue 5saly, science has
yet to con#irm this !articular trick(s e##ectiveness #or women, as it seems to re9uire !hysical
e?aculation6& Curing a male orgasm, the "loo vessels all over the "oy constrict, incluing
the ones in your nose& This #ull7"oy cariovascular s!asm shoul "e enough to #ree your
locke nasal !assages&
+n i# you like to o "utt stu## at the same time, well, you can say goo"ye to those
hiccu!s, too& 0ou(ll #eel like a new goamne man&
Interactive Di#e#orms, Inc&
1enicillin ain(t got ick on this&
Related Reading: y the way! there are pro"a"ly a few cures you "elieve in that #ust don$t
work% &on$t tilt your head "ack to avoid a nose"leed or you$re a terri"le fool% And "y the
way! 'inseng does fill you with energy if you$re #ust willing to take a shitload of the stuff%
(hile we$re at it! did you know decapitated ants make perfect stitches)
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