Gnus and You

A Dissertation
Submitted to the Graduate School
of the University of Notre Dame
in Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements
for the Degree of
Doctor of Philosohy
by
Gerald G! Gnastich
Gary Greenfield" Director
Graduate Program in Gnuology
Notre Dame" #ndiana
December $%&%
'N()* PAG( S(+*#,N -R(A./ -(G#N +,PYR#G0*1
2 +oyright $%&%
Gerald G! Gnastich
'N()* PAG( S(+*#,N -R(A./ -(G#N A-S*RA+*1
Gnus and You
Abstract
by
Gerald G! Gnastich
#n this thesis" # 3ill tell all that # 4no3 about Gnus! Gnus are 3onderful little
creatures that inhabit the center of the earth and give us 3onderful and lentiful
trees" dirt" and other earthly5things!
#n short" 3e should love and cherish the Gnus! *hey can be very friendly" and are
often mista4en for squirrels on the University of Notre Dame camus! Feed them
3henever ossible! #f they get caught in trash cans" ti them over so that they
can get out!
*his abstract is going to continue on" including a fe3 formulae" 6ust for the sa4e
of silling over on to t3o ages so that 3e can see the author7s name in the to
right corner/
a$ 8 b$ 9 c$
( 9 mc$
e:m 9 c$
a$ 8 b$ 9 e:m
*hese equations" by themselves mean nothing! -ut to the common Gnu" they
define a 3hole 3ay of living! ;hile intricate mathematical imlications certainly
do not infiltrate the ma6ority of humans7 lives" every Gnu" from birth" is imbued
3ith a sense of mathematical certainty and guidance! All Gnus" great and small"
feel at one 3ith mathematics! *he cute furry bit is 6ust a scam for their calculating
minds!
*his dissertation 3ill not address this sub6ect at all" but # felt comelled to
mention it here! <ainly so that 3e can sill over to t3o ages and see my name
at the to of the second! Don7t you thin4 that Gnus are good things=
'N()* PAG( S(+*#,N -R(A./ -(G#N R,<AN NU<(RA> PAG(
NU<-(RS1
*his is for George" my favorite Gnu!
+ontents
Figures
*ables
Preface
# 3ould li4e to reface this 3or4 3ith all the 3onderful things that Gnus have
brought to our society/ trees" dirt" flo3ers" grass" la4es" and other earthly5things!
;e should not forget them in our daily lives!
Additionally" 3e should offer them food for all their hard 3or4! #n fact" Gnus 3or4
so hard that they slee for the colder half of the year! As such" they tend to gro3
a little rotund! 0umans should not fault them for this" as it is necessary for their
survival! #ndeed" many humans gro3 rotund on their o3n accord?
Ac4no3ledgments
# 3ould li4e to ac4no3ledge all the loving Gnus at Notre Dame! Particularly the
one that comes to the 3indo3 in the 0ayes 0ealy building! 0e @she=A has given
me much insiration" love" and dirt! # 3ould also li4e to than4 my advisor" Dr!
Gary Greenfield" 3ith 3hom this 3or4 3ould not have been ossible!
Finally" # 3ould li4e to than4 the U!S! Government" Deartment of Gnus" for their
generous grant" number GNUB%C$D$%D$%!B" 3hich allo3ed me to ursue my
3or4!
'N()* PAG( S(+*#,N -R(A./ -(G#N <A#N *()* +0AP*(RS1
+hater &
#ntroduction
,vervie3
*his is an overvie3 of the introduction! #n here" # 3ill use many" many buEE3ords
and other legalistic5tyes of terms" mostly beginning on the eFounding of the
holistic and synergistic energy that Gnus bring to our organiEations!
-ac4ground
#n rearation for reading this dissertation" # 3ould highly recommend reading
some of the other material available on Gnus GB" CH! *hey are very 3ell 3ritten
and 3ill give you a fuller understanding of Gnus!
As sho3n in Figure &!&" Gnus are frequently mista4en for squirrels! *hey are not
squirrels! *hey are Gnus! DonIt call them squirrels" either @unless you have food
in your handAJ they tend to get a bit uset! #f you have food in your hand" they
tend to ignore this insult and accet your food as a eace offering!
-eloved camus Gnu Glen chec4ing the state of the la3n on the main quad!
+ontrast this image 3ith the mugshot of a squirrel recently sotted ro3ling the
grounds! Although a GnuIs inherent furry cuteness ma4es it easy to mista4e one
for a squirrel" Gnus are much more olite and lac4 the beady eyes and
susicious demeanor of a squirrel!
Foreground
*able &!& sho3s some feeding frequencies for 3here Gnus li4e to eat around the
Notre Dame camus! Gnus have 3or4 3ee4s" 6ust li4e humans do" hence the
much lo3er frequencies on 3ee4ends! *his can lead us to conclude that Gnu
3ee4end shifts are much smaller than the normal 3or453ee4 shifts! #n fact" 3e
can attemt to arameteriEe the sighting frequency" F" by the student oulation"
tye of food" and day of the 3ee4 as/
F 9 F@" f" dA @&!&A
*able F!F
;here Gnus >i4e to (at
>ocation Sun <on *ue ;ed *hu Fri Sat
Front of
Dome
& K L K C K &
Stonehenge $ D &% &$ D &C $
*he Roc4 & B C B C B %
*he A++ B C K K K C &
Dining 0alls K &C &$ &B &C &$ B
Gnus tyically tend to come out 3hen there are large gatherings of humans 3ith
food! Gnus 3or4 very hard at roviding us 3ith all the things that 3e li4e @trees"
dirt" air" etc!A" and so 3e should freely give them food! *hey 3ill come u and
stand a resectful distance a3ay from you" 3aiting to see if they 3ill be re3arded
for their efforts! #f you offer some food" they 3ill ta4e it and bac4 off a resectful
distance in order to consume their food 3hile leaving you to your Mersonal
sace!N
*able &!$ sho3s 3hat they tyically li4e to eat!
*able F!F
;hat Gnus >i4e to eat on the Notre Dame camus
Food Sun <on *ue ;ed *hu Fri Sat
*3in4ies & K L K C K &
Ding Dongs $ D &% &$ D &C $
+arrots & B C B C B %
>ettuce B C K K K C &
*3iEElers K &C &$ &B &C &$ B
Oa3brea4er
s
$ B K $ B C $
>isted by average number of sightings on a 3ee4day
GroovinI Gnus
Gnus do tend to stay a3ay from humans in their normal day5to5day 3or4ings!
*his is mainly because humans donIt" for the most art" understand 3hat they
are doing! #f a Gnu is 3or4ing" and a human aroaches it" the Gnu 3ill tend to
dro 3hatever it is doing and run a3ay! *his is robably due to the tendency for
humans to have Mgrou meetingsN and Mroductivity seminars!N <ost Gnus are
deathly afraid of such overmanagement" and run at the slightest hint of it" for fear
that it 3ill crile their real 3or4!
#t is interesting" ho3ever" that Gnus have chosen an #nstitution of 0igher
(ducation for their -o,! #t is often said that/
Academic olitics are the dirtiest" meanest" ugliest" and generally the most lo35
do3n" in5your5face" and 4ic45 em53hile5theyIre5do3n than any3here else @even
;ashington D!+!A because the sta4es are so lo3!
#t has been hyothesiEed that the Gnus are subtly trying to affect a change for
the better @i!e!" eliminating the overmanagement roblemsA by 3or4ing the very
system that they are trying to change" from 3ithin! *hat is" the graduates from
Notre Dame can learn from the eFamles of the Gnus here" and run screaming
@or chatteringA at the slightest hint of overmanagement" and let the real 3or4
roceed unhindered!
+hater $
Gnu *hings Are Good *hings For All Graduate Students
Gnu See" Gnu Do" Gnu Goes Golfing 3ith Green Golf Genes and Gesticulates
Graes
So 3hy do gnus do 3hat they do= *his is a erennial question that has yet to be
ans3ered definitively by scientists! #s their future someho3 tied ineFlicably 3ith
that of humans= 0ard to say" but 3e do feed them a lot! #t has even been
theoriEed that rotundness is a symbol of status or class 3ithin the GnusJ those
3ho are more roductive @i!e!" cute" furry" friendlyA 3ill be fed more than those
3ho are less so! So the more rotund" the higher status one has in the Gnu
society!
,ne could eFtraolate this to mean that there is a suer5Gnu out there
some3hereJ the biggest" rotundest Gnu that youIve ever seen" robably of eic
roortions? *his 3ould have to be the >eader of Gnus" or >oG for short! -ut the
>oG 3ould definitely have to be the cutest" furriest" and most friendly Gnu that
youIve ever seen!
*he >oG
So ho3 does the >oG get chosen= Ultimately" by humans! So 3e can say that
the Gnu society is erhas the truest democracy that has ever eFistedJ the leader
is chosen by merit" and chosen by comlete outsiders! As such" the >oG must
truly eitomiEe all that Gnus stand for/ oosedness to overmanagement"
cuteness" friendliness" and furriness G$H! *he gnus themselves vote at an annual
election" based uon these attributes @camaigning is anathema to GnusJ see
Section F!FA!
*able $!& sho3s the latest electoral college voting by the >oG for the year $%%%!
(ach Gnu is scored on a scale of one to ten on the attributes described above!
*he results sho3n in the table are average scores in each category for all votesJ
the GnuIs final score is sho3n in the final column!
AendiF A/ Gnu Generalisms
Definitions
Several definitions are resented in *able A!& to sho3 both ho3 to do rotated"
line5sanning tables" as 3ell as to define some commonly used Gnu terms!
*able A!&
+ommonly Used Gnu *erms
Finally" *able A!$ sho3s the to ten Gnus from *able $!& ran4ed in order by their
aggregate score @along 3ith some of the ratersI commentsA! *his follo3s a long5
standing Gnu tradition of self5imrovement through ublic announcement of
score @3hich some associate 3ith military origins G&HA! #ndeed" this very table has
been observed in the Gnu lodge 3here it 3as osted for eer revie3!
*able A!$
Alhabetical >ist of *o *en Gnus from *able F!F" 3ith Revie3er +omment
-ibliograhy
&! G! Galmira" Gnus and the military P a secret consiracy= Gro3ing *o3ards
Gnu" ###@QA/ $$P&RB @Setember &DDRA!
$! G! Gloonston" Ne3ly discovered gnus/ *he >oG! Gro3ing *o3ards Gnu"
##@&$A/ $BPKQ @<arch &DDRA!
B! Gnus and Y! *! A! of -eing Ne3" Gerry Ganston and Gary Greenfield" volume
#! Graing -oo4s" NY @August &DDRA!
C! G! Greenfield" Getting to .no3 Gnu! Ph!D! thesis" Geoffrey Garfield School of
Gnus @August &DDLA!
Footnotes/
*his is frequently mista4en for the chattering and scamering a3ay! Gnus are
actually quite oliteJ they 3ill leave if they have nothing nice to say" for fear of
saying something offensive!
-ase of ,erations!