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2011 The Family Resource Library, used by permission 2011 The Family Project. All Rights Reserved.

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Book Title | Parenting is Heart Work
Author | Dr. Scott Turansky, Joanne Miller
Year of Publication | 2005
Publisher | David C. Cook
Pages | 256
Authors Web-site | www.effectiveparenting.org
Full Book Available in | English

You should read this book if you
Want to help your children change on the inside, not just outwardly. Those changes are
permanent and a conscience develops, which guides them in decisions that involve right and
wrong throughout their lives.

In a nut shell
Most parenting strategies are behavior-based. This may change behavior on the surface, but the
only way to truly change them is if parents, together with God, work on their hearts.

Key Ideas
Changing your childs behavior often works for the short term, but it does not transform a
childs heart for the future. When parents focus discipline on the heart, children make
lasting changes.

God changes our hearts through salvation, and our behavior changes based on what He
does in our hearts.

Children need to know: God is creator; God has a plan; God knows all things; God gave
His Son to die for us; God is judge of the world.

Children learn from parents what faith looks like each day as little pressures, irritations, and
responsibilities challenge their peace and joy.

Most children need help processing what they did wrong after parents give consequences.
Talk with them every time you have to disciplineeven small offenses. This trains children
to talk about problems. At some point you should ask them, What did you do wrong?

Action Steps
Parents need to maintain a strong connection to God, which will enable them to be more
effective with their children.

2011 The Family Resource Library, used by permission 2011 The Family Project. All Rights Reserved. [2]
Start watching your childs heart. Become more aware of the deeper problems. Ask God to
show you the real issues that your son or daughter is facing. Spend time talking to the Lord
about your childs heart issues.

When your child misbehaves, recognize that something in the heart is going on. We can
learn what is going on in our childs heart by listening to our child and looking at what he
treasures.

Set a goal of having 10 minutes a day or an hour or two a week of one-on-one time with
each child.

As you learn to listen to your childs heart, identify target areas that you sense are a
problem. Behavior indicates whats happening inside, so when you see a particular
weakness, jot it down on a piece of paper. You might list things like procrastination, pride,
fear, gloom and doom, or lack of confidence. Pg 132

Memorize Bible verses each week. Choose verses based on needs you see in your family
and discuss them with your children.

Quotables
Pray for your children often. God not only works through prayer to change your kids, but
he also uses your prayers to make you more sensitive to his work in their hearts. In your
payer time, be sure to listen as well as talk. Pg 18-19

Teenage rebellion doesnt start at age thirteen; it starts much earlier, in a young childs
heart. Pg 43

Kids need parents who are willing to take a stand for whats right, demonstrate leadership,
and set firm limits. They need moms and dads who will show them the path and encourage
them to stay on it. Pg 52

When you fail, admit it. Model humility as you grow. Require the same from your kids.
Pg 107-108

Punishment focuses on justice; discipline concentrates on teaching. Instead of a sentence
to be served, discipline is an opportunity for growth. Pg 184

Miscellaneous
Its important to be firm with your children, but if you are harsh or angry, it will hinder
closeness.

How this has changed my parenting
The book tells us that when your child is angry, you should refuse to become emotional and
instead be willing to listen. I thought this was important because it is so easy to get angry or
frustrated when children disobey. The book says that doing this is counter-productive. Listening
will bring you closer to your children and also enable you to handle the situation in a more
rational way.
2011 The Family Resource Library, used by permission 2011 The Family Project. All Rights Reserved. [3]
Problem-solving too early instead of showing empathy hinders deeper relationships. Often we just
want to fix a problem and move on to the next thing, but by doing this we can miss valuable
opportunities to talk with our children about what is going on. If your child is misbehaving, it is
important to discuss rather than just discipline and move on.

Its amazing how transparent children can be when you take time to actively hear what they have
to say. Most of us lead very busy lives, so this was a good reminder to slow down and practice
active listening skills with our children. We can learn a lot about what is going on in their lives
and hearts by doing this.

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